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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
How gorgeous is the watercolor print on this Misook dress? The cool color palette is so dreamy, and the shirtdress silhouette is absolutely beautiful.
It’s unlined, so I might add a nude-for-me slip underneath to prevent any wardrobe malfunctions, but otherwise it looks practically perfect to me.
The dress is $398 at Dillard’s and comes in sizes XS–XL.
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- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
This is one of those dresses that probably looks good in person but horrible in photos.
Anon
I bought something like this when I had to go back to the office after gaining my COVID 15. I gave it away as soon as I could to someone who was pregnant. Regardless of size and shape, I (short pear) needed it belted or some sort of definition. Also, there is a length where it goes from “below the knee” to “overwhelming and makes me look blocky and stumpy” and that would likely be the case here.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
This just screams “beautiful for someone with a long torso” to my short-torsoed self.
Anonymous
I have a long torso and don’t think it would suit me either. This is another example of something that looks like it’s left over from the 1990s–the collar, the watercolor print, the whole $h!rtdress silhou3tt3. It will make anyone over 40 look like she hasn’t shopped for workwear since she graduated from college.
Anonymous
This would only work on someone like the Princess of Wales who is tall and extremely thin but also has just enough shape but not too much. Long-waisted rectangle me would look awful in it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Ok, that’s EXACTLY who I had in mind when I saw this – but you’re right she’s not reflective of most long torso-ed ladies given the rest of her frame.
Anon
It can’t look worse than it does in the photos…
Cat
I think the lack of belt and being buttoned up to the neck are the problem here. A slim black belt, open neck, and black heels would do a lot to give some structure!
Anon
The proportions are all off. Also, for $400, I want a dress that is shaped and tailored, not a straight sack.
Anon
The way it is styled kind of reads “psychedelic nun” to me.
Anonymous
Yes! I was first thinking “monk” but you nailed it with “nun”.
I don’t think it looks good in the pic and don’t think it would look good in real life on anyone, even a super tall and skinny model. The fabric and print don’t suit the cut – and the cut doesn’t suit anyone that I can think of.
Anon
As a cusp sized person, I feel like this is what stores expect me to wear as soon as I veer one pound over into the plus size range.
JD
The print also seems to suggest abstract breasts to me. The design itself may be ok, but so many prints are too weird to work.
Anonymous
Agreed. That’s all I can see.
Anon
That is a stretch.
Anon
Well I didn’t see it but now I do and probably would only see that henceforth.
Anon
Are there any stores out there that regularly carry a lot of Birkenstocks to try on? There is almost a dizzying array of them and I’d like to just try them on and walk around (in socks, which is how I wear my Arizonas except in July and August). Prior ones were maybe too small (or at the end of their straps with socks) and now have been stolen (grrrr….), so I want to get exactly what I want, but there are literally too many online choices (OGs, Softs, whatever Birki Flow is, patent, suede, nubuck, leather, plastic, faux leather). I’m 39/40 but also want to try men’s for more width (I don’t think my foot is wide, but I need room for my giant high arches and overall foot volume).
Anon
I’ve seen a display at both Macys and DSW before
Anon
Shoe Station has a good variety of both types of footbeds in the narrow and regular widths. What they don’t have is big variety of colors, but that doesn’t really matter for trying on.
anon
Do you have a local Birkenstock store? That’s where I’d go.
anon
Whole Earth and REI both have good instore selections. At least near me, DSW really leaned into the trendy Birkenstocks (Arizona big buckle, etc.), but still had a good full isle to try on.
Anon
There is a local comfort shoe store near me that bas a ton; and also has Birkenstock trunk shows regularly. Do you have a shop like that near you?
Anonymous
I want to visit London for the holidays, probably first or second week of December. When would be the right time to buy plane tickets, book a hotel, etc? Is now too soon or is it time to get started? Right now the tentative agenda includes the Nutcracker ballet, a performance at Royal Albert Hall, Liberty London, Harrods, Borough Market, Kew Gardens, and Dishoom. I’d love recommendations for anything else to do there (not into museums, very into walking around, eating and theater) as well as places to look for a hotel.
Anonymous
Now.
Cat
Extra Pet-te did a December London trip 4-5 years ago for exactly this type of experience – while the restaurants might not be THE most current anymore, good inspo.
As far as plane tickets go, never too early to start tracking prices so you know what’s a better value, espec this year. Play around with Google Flights & dates since sometimes there’s a weirdly large difference between, say, a Thurs-Tues trip or a Fri-Weds.
IL
Are you aware of the strikes that are going on? Last Christmas, the organizers specifically picked the winter holiday season to hold a few high-profile strikes to tie up the airports, the trains, etc.
I was in London two weeks ago for work and my team was scheduled to fly out as Terminal 5 of Heathrow was impacted by the civil service strike of security screeners. The Tube was also impacted by outages affecting the trains running to Heathrow and British Airway’s software to process checked bags went down. I got out fine, because I allocated the entire day to get to the airport. We left our hotel 6 hours before our flight was scheduled to depart and only got to the gate as boarding started.
If that doesn’t scare you, London is a joy. I recommend visiting Ottolenghi, getting a Sunday roast at whatever pub nearest your hotel looks good, visiting Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, catching a play at the National Theatre, and visiting the bookstores around Bloomsbury square.
Anne-on
I know you said you’re not into museums but if you enjoy fashion/interior design you might like the Victoria and Albert Museum as it often has exhibits on British designers and features clothing the royal family wore. I’d also look into OneFineStay if you’re open to a curated/supervised Air BnB experience (they rent out curated flats and will meet you at the location as well as offer add on butler type services). For trips over 3 days I prefer having a suite/apartment and I find their rates very reasonable compared to a hotel suite. Definitely price out flights/rooms asap, flights are insanely expensive at the moment.
anonshmanon
I’d second the V&A, and since entry is free, you can just stroll 45 minutes and see some cute stuff, then have no qualms about leaving again. Not like you just wasted $30 on a museum ticket!
Anonymous
Book the Nutcracker on the day tickets are released
Amelia Pond
and be sure you check when the performances start! i was in London the first weekend of December last year and was disappointed to learn that the Royal Ballet nutcracker didn’t open until a few days later. Also, be prepared for cold, I had to run out to tk maxx to buy a hat, globes and a scarf to go with my wool coat.
Anonymous
Suggest staying in South Kensington. It has good Tube and bus connections, the Royal Albert Hall, and near to Harrods.
Leatty
Any good resources for helping Christian parents be accepting of a child who is LGBT? My sibling is gay, and my mother has become increasingly and openly hostile toward the community (as in, vocally boycotting Target because they sell items for Pride). I attribute some of this to Fox brainwashing and a stroke she had last year that diminished her critical thinking skills, but I also know that at the core of this is her religious beliefs. If she keeps this up, my brother will cut her out of his life, and I will not be far behind, so she won’t have a relationship with her grandchildren. I don’t want this to happen, but I don’t know how to get through to her.
Any resources would be much appreciated.
anon
I don’t have any specific resources, but, in your shoes, I’d probably go ask a minister at a church with a rainbow flag out front for advice.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Would it help to have a direct conversation with your mom where you tell her she can pick family or her hateful beliefs, but it’s not possible to have both?
Anonymous
She doesn’t want to be gotten through to. Stop pandering. “Mom you’re being hateful, I won’t talk to you when you’re being like this.”
Anon
+1
anon
Your mother had a stroke that impaired her cognition and you’re still considering cutting her out of your life?!
Anon
I read it too quickly the first time and didn’t really process that part but now that gives me extreme pause as well.
Leatty
Yes – but it was mild. Anyone who didn’t know her extremely well can’t tell. She wasn’t exactly tolerant before, but at least she could be reasoned with and not be as vocal about it. It’s hard to figure out what is due to the stroke and what is due to right wing brainwashing. I love her dearly, but I don’t want her to spew hate around my kids.
anon
Yeah sorry if your mom has brain damage due to a stroke, you treat her with compassion because she now has BRAIN DAMAGE that she can’t help. Yikes. You can teach your kids that grandma had an incident and it affects how her brain works.
Anon
It sounds like it’s time for boundaries as opposed to reasoning with her. If she brings it up, walk out or hang up the phone. Every time. Pack up the kids and leave.
If she doesn’t want that to happen, she’ll stop bringing it up.
JD
If she was more tolerant before, this does seem like brain damage or lack of inhibition has impacted her. Head injuries can have major consequences. My father had one and now has early onset dementia. He definitely shares regressive views, but I really think a lot of it was the head injury and now the dementia diagnosis.
I don’t have a good answer, but I won’t be keeping my kids from him. I think kids can understand discussions that a family member has different views and may not be fully in their right mind. If it’s too painful for your sibling, I understand cutting off communication, but you’re a step removed.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I’m sure others will have good ideas on your actual ask, so I want to say that you sound like a really great sibling. It’s not easy to be in your position, either, so I hope you realize that and get support where you can. Sending love to you and your brother.
Anon
Anecdata from my own family, my cousin cut her dad/my uncle out of her life and never looked back. She tried reaching out to him for years, and he is just stuck on rightwing talking points about groomers and pedophiles. I’d suggest spending time supporting your brother than wasting energy on your mom. It’s hard, I know, but you can’t change people.
Anon
This is the best advice.
My aunt came out as a lesbian 25+ years ago, and rather than focusing on changing the resistant hearts and minds of some of our Southern Baptist family members, we just supported her and tried to be there for her as she realized she was never going to be able to be around some of our family again (my grandparents – her parents – were confused but accepting; it was other extended family members who posed most of the problems).
You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself and your reactions to their behavior. My reaction to my mother saying hateful things about LGBTQ people (especially when, she, herself, has an LGBTQ child) would be to limit my contact with her as much as possible, while still making sure she was safe and taken care of. And definitely I would try to run interference between my mom and my brother, to avoid exposing him to hurtful comments.
Anon
Are you looking for talking points to counter with or to try to change her mother’s mind? The person has to want to change.
If you continue to keep her in your life please set really good boundaries for yourself for your own protection. Encourage you sibling to do the same. Focus on supporting your sibling and living your life.
The happiest outcome I’ve seen in this situation is a ‘we don’t talk about lifestyles and that helps us get along peace’, but it took my friend years of setting boundaries, and prioritizing herself regardless of what her parents thought. I don’t think her parents have changed their minds about anything but they seem to (very) minimally try because they don’t seem to want their daughter completely out of their life.
Anonymous
Some of this might help. Both the United Church of Canada and the Anglican Church of Canada (Episcopalian in the US) are welcoming towards LGBT individuals – including marriage. These are longstanding denominations (my church is from the 1830s) which now more fully embrace the love of God for all people.
https://united-church.ca/community-and-faith/being-community/gender-sexuality-and-orientation
Anonymous
+1 Talking to an Episcopalian priest really helped me when I was dealing with some internalized homophobia in college.
anon
I was going to suggest the same – Episcopalians are generally very progressive on this and were one of the first (if not the first) major denominations to perform same-sex marriages. I’m going through something similar with a family member (not a parent, and no stroke as far as I can tell) and rather than tell them that they are wrong, I lean into faith – that God has a plan for everyone and we don’t always know what it is, but it’s not our job to judge others. That Jesus would have reached out to those that society is looking to exclude, including our gay brothers and sisters.
Seventh Sister
Speaking as an Episcopalian with evangelical relatives, my evangelical relatives would probably be happier with me and my life choices if I was a straight-up atheist (because then they could try and save me). The fact that I chose a Christian denomination that directly refutes so many of their beliefs about the application of Christianity (e.g., alcohol, dancing, dating, prosperity gospel) bothers them a LOT more than if I was just casting about without a church community where some of the elderly ladies are tr*ns. Evangelicals call churches like mine “dead” churches or say that we would have folded without changing on “social issues.” Anything an Episcopal theologian would say about this stuff is basically worthless from their perspective.
Anon
Yeah, I think it could be helpful for OP to understand the religious basis for inclusion from LGBTQ friendly churches to help frame responses to her mother, but I don’t think it will be persuasive to her mother directly. I am not in this situation but as the progressive Christian sibling of an LGBTQ person I would verbally respond to any anti-gay comments and leave. I would talk directly to my children about how I disagree with my mom. The only thing IMO that will change her mind is seeing her gay loved one live a full life, with your support and community, and to see what she is missing. But for many evangelical churches there is a push to follow the church’s doctrine even at the expense of family – Luke 12:49 -56 is often cited for this. Even in the less extreme churches. I’m so sorry she’s taken this position.
Anon
Is she homophobic or concerned about issues on the tr@ns side? Huge difference that will affect your planning. I know a lot of people who have no issues whatsoever with kids being gay or lesbian, but who strongly disagree with puberty blockers or Target selling child-size tucking swimsuits or schools secretly calling kids by an opposite-sex name. Find out what you’re dealing with here.
Anon
Target sold suits for adults, not kids. AP fact checker rates that claim as “false”.
https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-target-swimsuits-transgender-pride-collection-892500330955
Anon
Right, but if she’s watching Fox, she may have a concern about trans grooming, or whatever.
Anon
+10000000
Anon
This is where a lot of people silently seem to be.
Anon
I encourage all of these people to not remain silent. Talk to a trans person. Ask them about their life and childhood. You’ll learn a lot.
Anon
I don’t think reasonable people oppose those drugs because they’re uneducated. Quite the opposite. People aren’t cartoon villains and there needs to be room for nuance.
Anon
Well, there is a Karen about to call the SPLC on this page. So, maybe that is why progressive women on this page are silent on the issue?
Anon
If this is where a lot of people seem to be, they need to get their facts straight. Anon at 9:25, you’re spouting straight garbage.
Anonymous
That’s a harsh response. I understand you disagree, but like it or not, many people who are completely fine with same-s*x relationships are not there yet on tr*ns issues. I have to admit, I don’t care what people wear or who they love, but I am still not at the point where I can accept that there are not just two biological genders and you get what you get when you’re born. Telling us that we’re spouting garbage is not how you get us to understand.
Anon
I disagree with calling things facts that are not facts and have been debunked. I will continue to do so.
PolyD
Anyone who has studied any of the biological sciences, particularly human development, can tell you that there’s a whole lot of events that occur during gender differentiation and it’s totally logical that there’s a spectrum of “male” and “female,” just like there’s a spectrum from straight to gay.
Medical associations have guidelines on how to treat people with gender dysphoria. I don’t know why we can’t be happy with that, instead of making laws about a medical condition. Think about it, the only other procedure subject to votes and laws (aside from usual malpractice laws) is abortion. Why do we have to legislate another medical procedure? We don’t have laws about when a person is old enough to get a breast reduction or augmentation, or a nose job, it’s left up to medical professionals and the patients. Funny that we never seem to legislate medical treatments mostly used by straight white men.
I’m really tired of this country making laws about stuff where the sole basis in the lawmaking is because it’s about something that makes some people feel icky.
Anon
There are many lesbians who are not willing to share their spaces by people who were AMAB. They have experienced homophobia and erasure of masculine-presenting or butch lesbians who are very much women. There are lesbians who have been threatened with violence for not agreeing that they should want to sleep with people with p*nises. There are many opinions on trans-issues and they don’t all come from Fox news.
Anon
She said her brother is gay, so it seems to be the former.
There are definitely people (especially devout Christian people) who are still not ok with the gay “lifestyle.” My 5 year old had a play date recently and her friend was saying things about how boys can’t marry boys, only boys and girls can marry. We are in a red state but a very blue city and the kid’s parents are young (mid-30s). I didn’t realize people still thought this way, but they’re definitely out there.
Anon
I’m in Boston, and I recently stopped hanging out with a friend who was teaching his 6 year old similar nonsense, saying its Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. We are late 30s. There’s definitely people like this all over.
anon
They are. I have a gay child and have found this out the hard way. I was a little shocked to hear the words “gay lifestyle” from 30-somethings.
Anon
IDK — chances are that everyone now knows boring vanilla gay people who have a bland lifestyle. Not everyone, straight or gay, lives like they are at Studio 54.
Anonymous
What?
Anonymous
The term “gay lifestyle” means being out, as opposed to people who are gay but don’t “sin” by “acting on it” meaning they remain single (and don’t openly date) or in a straight marriage. It does not mean clubbing or whatever.
Anon
Because we know how everyone should behave in their own home? And they need our permission?
Anon
Evangelical Christians believe relationships and marriage have to be between one man and one woman. It has nothing to do with how flamboyant the couple is, and in fact the “vanilla” gay couples who want to move to suburbia and raise kids are probably the ones they’d judge the most. I don’t understand this comment at all.
Anon
Meant to be a reply to the “not everyone is living like they’re at Studio 54” comment.
Anon
Target did not sell a child-size tucking swimsuit. It was an adult suit. This has been debunked numerous times.
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/target-tuck-friendly-swimsuits-for-kids/
Esquinkle
Wow. There is a huge difference between your first example and the last two. Who honestly cares if a child is wearing a specific type of swimsuit that presumably makes them feel better? And in last year’s preschool class, one girl insisted on being called Unicorn. Everyone rolled with it. And in a non-preschool context, I am in favor of a school supporting a student and trying to increase their comfort level – schools are one of the primary places where youth learn to be separate individuals, and this seems like a good approach.
Anon
I cannot believe this comment is for real, and that Kat or whomever let this through. The anti-tr@ns comments on this blog are getting concerning enough that I am wondering if I need to reach out to some tr@ns advocacy groups and the Southern Poverty Law Center and let them know this community is promulgating hate speech against tr@ns people.
Anon
Lololololololol
Anon
Omg you’re really threatening to call the SPLC because random ladies on a fashion blog disagree with you on trans issues? Do yourself a favor, back away from the keyboard, and go live in the real world for a while.
Trish
I did not see any hateful comments. I saw some misinformation about the Target swimsuits and that’s about it. People having opinions is not hate.
Nesprin
This seems like a very silly distinction, and reminds me much of all the folks a decade ago who were fine with gay people but just didn’t “agree with the lifestyle” or want them to get married
Anon
It’s like Bigotry Lite.
Anonymous
Wow. You actually read my mind here. Agree + 100.
Anon
got a sticker in an online shopping cart that says ‘it wasn’t about water then, it’s not about bathrooms now’
Anon
*water fountains
Anon
Love it
Anon
EXACTLY. thank you.
anon
Can you bluntly tell your mom just that? Either she tones down the hostility, or she’s going to lose two of her children. Mostly, I’m very sorry that your family is dealing with this.
anon
Did you miss the part where mom had a stroke? I honestly can’t believe these responses. The woman has literal brain damage. My goodness I hope you’re all treated with more kindness if you ever suffer a brain injury or illness!
Anon
OP said she held these views before. The stroke may have reduced her inhibitions and she’s now saying things she would have kept to herself before, but it hasn’t made her into a bigot. I’ve had multiple family members with brain problems, fwiw.
Anon
+1 the stroke is not making her have new beliefs
Anon
I really thought susceptibility to propaganda campaigns could be a symptom of brain damage or an early sign of dementia (think of people who join cults for the first time and change all their beliefs in accord with their new religious group). I realize switching from Methodist to Evangelical isn’t that dramatic, but dramatic changes do happen?
Leatty
Yes – I would say she was somewhat more tolerant before Trump (as in told my dad she would divorce him if he didn’t make my brother feel welcome after he came out). It’s all been downhill since then. I think she’s more susceptible to brainwashing after her stroke, but these are not brand new feelings (and homophobia is not the only problem)
anon
I think “Christian” is too general to provide meaningul input – what denomination of Christian are we talking about?
I ask because there’s a difference in approach if we are talking about someone who is, say, Episcopalian (where the denomination itself is LGBT affirming but not all individuals are, so you can point to official teaching) vs Catholic (where the official teaching is not LGBT affirming but many individuals and even parishes are) vs nondenominational Evangelical (where there isn’t any overall official teaching, although most churches are non-affirming, but there are some prominent and compelling voices for inclusion that you could point her to).
anon
Also – are you Christian yourself? Bc if you are not, then it will be particularly important to try to find voices from within her faith tradition that you can point her to in order to persuade her. If you are Christian, then obviously your own views can be a witness to her. And if your brother is Christian then that can be a powerful witness as well; I know many older and conservative individuals who were swayed bc they were so moved by the faith of LGBT Christians.
Leatty
She was Methodist but is now an evangelical. I am no longer religious.
anon
You have an uphill climb if she went from Methodist to Evangelical, sadly. The United Methodist church is splitting over this issue (churches who accept and affirm LGBTQ individuals vs. churches that believe homosexuality is a sin). And I don’t know of a single Evangelical congregation that is affirming, though I’d love to be proven wrong, so it seems like your mom has really dug in on this issue.
Anonymous
To clarify, the churches that believe it’s a sin are disaffiliating from the United Methodist Church.
anon
I’d suggest a deep dive on her church. There are many brands (and I do mean brands) of evangelical and most post their services online. If it is your standard mildly right wing mega church that she goes to because she likes the music – then you probably have a better chance at speaking to her in the language of faith. If the church is of a more extreme bent, then there is probably a bigger discussion about getting her away from that church. Even if it means that you need to start going to Sunday service at a more progressive church and getting her to go with you.
Anonymous
The evangelical churches I know of are all very anti-LGBT. Your mom has a gay child, so others in her congregation are looking at her sideways. She’s so vocal because she’s trying to prove she belongs. Unless you get her away from that church you’re not going to get her to be more accepting.
Trixie
If you search for such organizations, you will find a lot of resources. Since her objections are faith based, you will want to find an organization that is Christian in focus, and emphasizes the values of love, kindness, and goodness in Christianity. I just did a search, but I don’t want to add links because I will end up in moderation. Good luck! and there are lots of books, too, but I have none in particular to suggest.
Anonymous
For how long has your sibling been openly gay? Is the issue with your mom new/clearly tied to her stroke?
Leatty
He’s been openly out for nearly a decade. She was homophobic when we were growing up, got marginally better after he came out, and then has gone downhill in the last couple of years. Her homophobia isn’t the only thing she’s vocal about.
Anonymous
I am tired of hearing the refrain that Christians are bigots. Anyone who is a bigot does not follow the teachings of Christ. Blame Fox News and false religion, not actual Christianity.
Anon
I’m Christian and acknowledge many Christians are bigots. We have a lot of work to do in our community.
Emma
I’m from a pretty observant Catholic family (not in the US, so less Fox News stuff, but still) and my cousin came out in his early 20s. There was a fair amount of denial and hand-wringing from the older generations – all of us cousins/siblings were very supportive. He took some distance – moved away from our hometown and did his own thing for a while, but never fully cut anyone off. I think his parents quickly realized they needed to get on board or loose their son, but I spent a lot of time explaining to my grandparents that no, it wasn’t just a phase, he didn’t want attention, it wasn’t that he hadn’t met the right girl yet. Just normalizing it went a long way – reminding them that no, he wasn’t bringing a friend to the family picnic, he was bringing his boyfriend/significant other – eventually they got used to the idea. And although it wasn’t the best endorsement from my perspective, my grandparents did rely on the new pope’s attempts at opening up to the gay community. My cousin married his husband last year and his parents proudly walked him down the aisle and my grandparents made a speech and love his husband now. I realize this is a slightly different situation, but I just wanted to share that sometimes it does get better – I hope things work out for you, and it’s great that you are such a supportive sibling to your brother.
Anonymous
You can’t persuade her to change her beliefs. Imagine how you would react if she tried to change your beliefs?
anon
I could have written this. I am in the same situation so am also looking to advice.
Anonymous
I have a close family member who thinks this way. This person is not stupid; they have been radicalized and sucked into a fringy subculture. There is some evidence that there is often a trigger event for radicalization. In my family member’s case they were violently attacked on public transportation. It sounds like your mother’s stroke may have been a trigger for her. Frankly, I don’t have any good answers here except to try to limit your mother’s internet access, which may or may not be possible. I’m about to read “Kill All Normies” which is about this subculture.
Anon
I just want to say you’re not alone and I’m struggling with this too. It’s extremely tough because emotionally I need a relationship with my mom, but her social and political views could not be more different from mine, and I constantly feel at risk that a rupture is coming over her reaction to others I care about.
In terms of resources I think you just have to build your tent a little bigger so that other individuals can counterbalance the weakness or loss of relationship with your mom. But unfortunately I think it can never be replaced or really filled elsewhere. It’s a loss of the relationship you wish you had.
Leatty
Well stated. I was always so close to one set of grandparents, and I had dreams of my kids having the same sort of relationship with her. I also used to be much closer to her, but that’s been declining for several years.
Anon
My unpopular opinion is people are who they are. You can try to change their views but as strongly as you feel yours, they feel theirs. Your options are accept it or cut them off. Personally, I’m never in favor of cutting off family over their viewpoints. I’d cut down contact and tell my kids often that Grandma’s just wrong on this topic and we don’t agree with her, but she’s family so we deal with her. I know this will spark a lot of comments saying that’s ridiculous, etc., but I think family means something.
anon_needs_a_break
Family does mean something. That’s why it’s such a shame that a grown woman would choose mythology over her living, breathing children.
I would absolutely cut someone off depending on the severity of her comments and approach, but YMMV
anon
I generally do limit cutting off family to really egregious things (like…violent crime, defrauding people, etc), but might do it in this situation depending on specifically how she is acting and how it is impacting the OP’s brother. That said, there is power in there being someone in Mom’s life who says, “I love you but I don’t agree with you on this and I’m not okay with you [saying x/using a slur/etc].” When you cut someone off, you lose the ability to be that voice.
OP, what does your brother want you to do? I assume you guys have talked about the change in her behavior? Bc I do think it’s important not to rule out the potential cognitive issue given that it sounds like she wasn’t always this homophobic.
Leatty
He hasn’t asked me to cut ties, but I’ve been the one serving as an intermediary between them, trying to help heal their relationship. The more hateful things she says, the harder it is for me to serve in that role. He keeps his distance from her, so fortunately he doesn’t witness a lot of what she says.
Anon
Thinking that someone’s innate sexual orientation is inherent wrong is really egregious, IMO. It’s a key part of her brother’s identity. Trying to change LGBTQ people through conversation therapy etc is extremely harmful and a big reason there’s high rates of suicide and self-harm in this community. Defrauding people seems minor in comparison to me.
Anon
I’m the commenter you’re responding to, and I’m a lesbian. I’m also An Old by the standards of this community, so I’m just used to a lot of older people holding these kinds of views (because when I was younger, everyone did). Everyone makes their own choices about this, but I’ve chosen to have a lot of people in my life who don’t fully accept me bc I don’t need acceptance from everyone of every single part of my identity. And in part I think I’m awesome and my partner is awesome and most people eventually succumb to our collective awesomeness.
Interestingly my own mom has been able eventually to accept that I’m a lesbian, but still can’t deal with the fact that I’m no longer Catholic. It’s so upsetting to her and she keeps trying to tell me how many affirming Catholics there are. But my relationship with God is the one place where I *do* need to feel complete acceptance and love, so now I’m Episcopalian.
Anon
I think family means that this poster is making an effort and reaching out to this community for ideas on how to communicate with mom. She is genuinely trying. I hope mom is also genuinely trying to communicate and make an effort to get along and be civil. Family means something, but it can’t mean that one family member gets to actively bash their relatives while expecting to be catered to.
Anon
Yep. My BIL was gay and committed suicide. FIL was openly racist and homophobic. before he died. My husband worked through family issues in therapy and chose to continue a relationship with his dad. We had frequent discussions about grandpap’s wrong ideas after visits with our young son. Our son was in elementary school and could verbalize that his deceased uncle was gay but grandpap didn’t like gay people. We can’t always shield our kids from relatives but we can help them work through the conflicts. We can learn to love people despite big flaws and to set boundaries.
Anon
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Anon
+1 For some people this may be too painful, but in general the best way to influence people to change their beliefs is through personal relationships and your own witness as a person living your life. I wouldn’t put in tons of effort for a stranger off the street, and might cut ties with casual friends, but presumably your relationship with your parents is multifaceted and includes lots of love and happiness in other areas.
This is where I really diverge from the current progressive movement; people are not all bad or all good, and sometimes they need (lots of) time to evolve in their ideas. I don’t agree with cutting myself off from everyone who disagrees with me. But you can for sure set some boundaries!
anonshmanon
I think that’s all fine if there is a shared familial affection and both sides making an effort. I’d need that to see hope of having an ongoing relationship, even if we don’t have enough shared values to go beyond a superficial relationship.
If a family member is openly hostile, and subscribes to the f* your feelings philosophy for those who think otherwise, then I don’t see any hope for a civil relationship. If that can not be achieved, then continuing the effort ‘because it’s family ‘ strikes me as suffering for the sake of it.
Anon
I am a proud progressive, a lesbian, and a Quaker. I disagree with your statement that the current progressive movement considers people all good or all bad. Find some different progressives to hang with!
People are complex and complicated. I personally think that the best type of organizing recognizes those realities, and I am not alone in the “current progressive movement” in thinking this way.
Anon
I would look at PFLAG for resources.
Anonymous
I was going to suggest this as well. Wondering if you could find someone close to her age with a gay child who originally had a difficult time. That person may be able to share a path that your Mom has not been able to find.
Anonymous
Ok. One of my brothers is gay and one of my siblings is tr@ns. We grew up Christian (I hesitate to say evangelical but technically that’s what we were: the entire family has since fallen away). Here’s my two cents: you are not going to change your mom’s mind with anything you say or do. You can ask her not to talk about it in front of your children or you can limit her contact with them. I know that sounds really harsh but from my experience those are your choices. I know it isn’t easy. Echo others that including your brother in your nuclear family may soften your mom over time, and at any rate that’s who you really want your kids to have the relationship with so that when grandma makes awful comments your kids can go “do you think that about Uncle Dave?” Hopefully she will squirm and say “no of course not I love him!” Which is a bigger message than any Fox News garbage she can spout.
Anon
Just watched “Shiny Happy People” on Amazon Prime this weekend, and I may have been the only person in the US who did not already appreciate how what your Mom is saying/believing/doing is not a bug, it’s a feature of the Evangelicals’ world plans. Which is to say that trying to counter it is difficult by design.
Anonymous
It was a feature of virtually every religion until very, very recently and remains one in many houses of worship that do not fall under the Evangelical umbrella. Exclusion and othering is the bread and butter of religion and the churches that have become inclusive of LGBT have largely done so due to financial pressure when everyone’s kids came out of the closets in recent decades, leaving their members torn between a desire to belong to an identifying sect and maintaining their familial ties.
Ribena
Or they do so out of belief in the scripture when it talks about the importance of love.
Anonymous
Is that an addendum to the Bible released in the last 3 decades? Or does it come from a recently discovered volume? Because if it was there the whole time, it was widely overlooked until about the time Will and Grace got popular
Anonymous
“Evangelical’s world plans”? I thought believing in some kind of huge conspiracy was a feature of the far-right.
Anon
I didn’t know that “missionaries” or “money going to support hate based legislation abroad” were considered conspiracies? Evangelicals I know talk quite openly and proudly about these efforts while also openly fundraising.
Anon
I mean the IBLP pretty explicitly lays out how they want to have a whole bunch of kids and then funnel them into politics: https://generationjoshua.org/about/what-we-believe
Anon
They are also extremely fringe even among evangelicals, though .
Anonymous
They had a tv show on a mainstream network for years. They are not ‘fringe’
Anon
I attended an evangelical church for many years, and every week the pastor discussed world missionary efforts (we collected tithes to support efforts in Eastern Europe) and how we all have to get ready for the Rapture, a worldwide reckoning event. Sounds like world plans, indeed.
LGBTQ Bible
Hi! Academic who works on queerness and religion here. I recommend the blog Q Spirit for LGBTQ Christian resources. Metropolitan Community Church is a classic queer friendly Christian denomination, although most mainline protestants are as well. “Jesus Acted Up” by Robert Goss and “Our Tribe” by Nancy Wilson are two classic books. There’s also “The Man Jesus Loved” by Ted Jennings, although that might be too much. Assuming you are in the US, the UCC, Episcopal, and ELCA Lutheran churches all have a lot of resources available (some other denominations as well; Methodist is tricky but “open and affirming” is a good keyword).
LGBTQ Bible
https://qspirit.net/. here’s Q Spirit!
Leatty
Thank you so much!
Seventh Sister
The only thing that seems to work with my parents is being really frank and appealing to their need to be construed as magnanimous, “appropriate,” middle-class people. I’d go with, “Mom, if you don’t stop talking about this stuff with Brother, he’s going to stop coming over or calling you. Is that what you want?” Another thing that has worked with my parents is to say, “At family stuff, let’s not ‘talk politics.'” Now, I’m aware that the personal is political, blah blah blah, but what I’m trying to stop is the wandering off when someone remarks on the nice weather and my mom says, “See? That means global warming is a hoax.”
Honestly, it may not be salvageable. My parents have missed out on a lot of nice people and interactions and relatives because they are consumed by their own views about “the gay lifestyle.” And they aren’t even evangelical, just mainline conservative Protestants.
Anon
Any 2023 thoughts on the many online sources for small band size bras? I need a 30. It is hard to find or seems aimed at teens as a first bra (and I need a c/d cup vs a training bra and like some lining).
Anonymous
Bare Necessities has 96 30C bras available.
Anom
I’m a 30DD. I’ve bought from Bare Necessities, HerRoom and Amazon. I like Panache and Fantasie. Freya is fine too. I don’t like Chantelle bc I find there to be less support and the lining is less effective. Anita is good for sports bras. These brands might be DD and up though. Mostly, I really prefer to get fitted at a real lingerie store (I used to live in Manhattan where that was fairly easy to find), even if it means paying more bc it was worth it to be able try on a selection! Also, is it possible you’re actually a 28?
Anonympus
Not the op but thank you. Have been living in Chantelle since 2017 but I’d like some that have a smoother lining for t-shirts.
kag
Freya or Panache
worried
Both Frey and Panache fit me beautifully, but the wires on many panache styles are very wide and hard, which is the last thing I need for my close set short torsoed (5’4) styles. I have to buy a plunge too as they are too high otherwise. Try some on in person so you can determine how the wires lie on you too!
Anon
Natori
Anokha
+1 for Natori
anon
I’m a 30DD and Natori is my favorite brand. Calvin Klein is decent too.
Velma
Third Love goes down to 30 (one style that could work: https://www.thirdlove.com/products/form-fit-wireless-bra)–or try simple stretchy styles (S/M sizing) from Target or Old Navy.
Anonymous
Bravissimo is the best for 28 and 30 band, from D-cup and up UK K and L cup (US P-cup).
For 30C, any UK brand for smaller cup sizes will have lots.
Anonymous
Bravissimo, Bare Necessities, Her Room, Journelle … in general the brands Fantasie, Panache, Freya are great. Department-store wise, Nordstrom and Dillards both carry a wide range of sizes also, not sure about in store but definitely on line.
if you’re in NYC, La Petite Coquette used to carry a bunch, or one of the other bra shops like BraTenders or Town Shop.
CreditRisk
Agree. These brands are great and often heavily discounted on the website lingerie outlet. The website sells through Amazon too but sometimes the selection on their own website is better.
Anon
Bravissimo
HFB
Has anyone bought from Aritizia? any comments on quality or sizing? i wear a 6p or 8p in Ann Taylor or J Crw and i’m mostly looking at the suiting pieces at Aritizia. I’m a little concerned that while they offer pants in “short “ length they don’t offer their jackets in petite.
Anon
This isn’t exactly what you asked but pay attention to the materials. A lot of Aritzia items are flimsy polyester or fabric that wrinkles immediately. I’m not a fan of their blazers and pants considering the price point. They have a limited window for refunds so read their return policy before ordering online.
Annony
I generally wear a 4P in J Crew suiting, mostly so the sleeves will be the correct length. I really tried to love the aritzia blazers but the sleeves are too long and to echo a previous comment, it’s overpriced for the quality.
Anon
If you had a mild concussion, how did you manage it while working? I fell down some stairs last week carrying a bag that was too heavy for me, and have had an on/off sensation of pressure in my head/headache and lightheadedness. I went to the doctor and they gave me muscle relaxers for my neck, but said they weren’t worried about a concussion…but since I’m feeling so off, I’d rather be safe than sorry. This accident happened while in Europe, so it’s possible the head stuff is related to jet lag, but it doesn’t feel the same to me.
Anon
Go back to the doctor and let them know things still don’t feel right!
Anonymous
Go back to the doctor. Get a scan. You could have a subdural hematoma or other very slow bleed – see Natasha Richardson. Plus they should be able to help with the concussion. My friend had physical therapy for dizziness for example that was super helpful after her concussion.
Anon
Doctors count on us to keep coming back to them insisting that something isn’t right.
Cat
Go back to the doctor!!
Anon
Natori
anon
The question above is getting at an issue that’s been weighing heavily on me lately. I am the parent of a child who is gay. He is a young teenager, for context. DH and I support him 100%, and are vocal about that fact in our home. He is out to a few select people, but not everyone, and that’s a choice we want him to be able to make. (For example, he is very out to DH’s mom but not my parents and that’s probably an astute observation on his part.) Where I’m getting stuck is that I would love to be a stronger advocate for LGBTQ+ teens, and my son in particular, but unsure how to go about doing so without accidentally outing my teen. I would love to be putting up Pride flags and visible symbols of support but hesitate to do so for fear of making my kid a target. We live in a blue city in a red state, and some of those red attitudes are still disturbingly apparent at times. Thoughts? How do we navigate this in a way that is supportive to our child, which is my priority above all else?
anon
Can you ask your son this? I feel a lot of it will depend on what he is comfortable with and I bet he would love to be asked.
Anonymous
I would start with your son. See what he’s comfortable with. I do think regardless of what he says about visible support, he should be hearing you loudly and clearly standing up for LGBTQ+ verbally. For example, in front of your parents, at the dinner table, over breakfast when reading articles about behavior you find appalling, why you support (or do not support) certain politicans etc. Make it very clear to him that regardless of the presence of a sign in your lawn or a sticker on your car, you fully support the community.
Lily
Ask him and follow his lead. Maybe until he is completely out, he’d prefer you to donate money to LGBTQ causes in private rather than fly a rainbow flag.
It’s important to be a vocal ally but the most important thing is supporting your son and those things may not be compatible (yet).
Anonymous
Pride flags and visible symbols of support are performative virtue-signaling. What really matters is the way you treat people. You don’t need to “out” your son to treat the people around you with dignity and respect.
Anon
I disagree. I enjoy seeing driving through my neighborhood and seeing Pride flags at the houses of people I don’t know. Is it the only action people should take to support? Of course not. But a visible sign means a lot to me. Signed, a queer woman
Anon
+1. Signed, another queer woman.
Anon
I don’t doubt how stressful and hard this is. But one thing that helped me in a semi-analogous situation was looking at some data and learning that the risk of incidents is not as high as I thought (even with caveats for data quality, which unfortunately is not as good as it should be). One unfortunate thing about the rise of 24/7 media and internet culture is that we’ve all been especially primed to believe that harm is around every corner, but the FBI recorded just 679 hate crime incidents against gay men in 2017. To put that in context, there are over 200,000 ER visits for bee stings each year. The real number of incidents is undoubtedly higher, but it’s not an extreme level of risk that should affect your decision-making.
I don’t post this to dismiss your fears, but to help put them in context. It would be a mistake to take on more fear than you need to or to convince your son that he can’t safely participate in a full life (i.e., go out with his friends, sneak into bars in college, and all the other risky things that are part of growing up). The U.S. has never been safer for gay men than it is today and he can take comfort in that – we HAVE made real progress, amazing progress, and that should be celebrated and trusted when it comes to personal decisions. We can still continue making more progress, but just don’t stop living your lives in the meantime. I have seen the negative impacts on women of being too paranoid about the risk of rare events to participate in public life. It’s not a good future.
Anonymous
I think the concern is about more than actual violence.
Anon
I think you need to think harder about the data quality. Is it really rare in your circles for marginalized people to experience significant harassment? Are women really too paranoid about risks given the rates of assault, stalking, and violence happening to women you know?
Anon
In response to your second question, yes, I do know women who are too paranoid about the rare risk of an attack by a stranger. I’m talking never going anywhere alone – literally. Women are much more likely to be harmed by men they know than by a strange man and I do not think it is a good thing to become an agoraphobe because of that low-risk, potentially high-consequence event. Women miss out on too much of life as it is.
anon
Well, this all took a very weird turn from the original question.
Anon
No, it didn’t. OP should make sure not to encourage excessive fear and paranoia because her son’s happiness will be badly affected.
Anon
Honestly, I go places alone but have also had a lot of negative experiences while doing so (no, I have not personally been dragged into an alley, but I don’t like being touched or harassed by strangers either!). Strangers can become stalkers or slip things into drinks, and it’s happened far too often to people I know personally. Disabled people I know have had cars swerve at them to threaten them, have had insults hurled at them in public, and have had things thrown at them. Gender non-conforming people I know have had similar experiences.
No, this is not the same as a headline news hate crime, but I’m not sure what the correct amount of concern is supposed to be when harassment is so common.
Lifer
I think this is hard to say…. So many women get assaulted that never report it. Even with mental health care, it can be difficult for women to overcome their experiences.
I mean, you are lucky if it hasn’t happened to you. Most women will experience something in their lives. I try to live a full life, but am pretty vigilant. Your comment is pretty harsh…. like you are criticizing someone you know who you can’t empathize with….
I’ve had strangers just randomly grab my A$$ on the street or pinch it so hard I screamed …. and even in Japan randoms did this to me on a crowded escalator. I was assaulted multiple times as a child by strangers, who took advantage of an opportunities when I was briefly alone in a “safe” area. I was drugged at my first frat party in college. I’ve been stalked by a mentally ill patient. I’ve had someone break into my apartment while I was sleeping alone. Almost all of those were never reported to authorities. And if I did report one, the young male cops gave me terrible, terrible support as a victim. Never heard from the cops again, of course.
And I’m not some strikingly attractive woman. I am very average, but have tended to live in or near large urban centers. I have not shared my experiences with my friends. The rare times I did, even friends were not as supportive as you would hope.
Anon
Anon at 11:53 – I think this might be our poster who posted something the other day about getting into a different line at the grocery store because she didn’t want to be around men. If so, I hope that person is getting therapy, because continuing to post non-sequitur/nonsensical posts and comments about avoiding men and how dangerous men are here is not going to help this person with their underlying issues.
Anonymous
Ask
Your
Child
Anonymous
Have you asked your son?
Anon
Following this discussion as I am in the same situation with my son, who is almost 17 and came out to us when he was 14 (and it was not a surprise to us at that point, I’ll just say). He has been on a couple of dates with one boy but other than that is not really “romantically active” or dating a lot, which seems to be typical of teenagers these days of any orientation. We have told him that if people make remarks to him about when he’s going to get a girlfriend, etc. (side note: if you are a person who does this to teenagers – for the love of God, please stop) he can choose to tell them he’s gay or deflect the question, as he feels is appropriate.
I bought a rainbow-heart pin to wear on my work lanyard for Pride Month and asked him if it was okay that I did that, and if people asked me about it, for me to say that he is LGBTQ+; he was fine with it. But he is not “out with it all the time” and so I am trying to take my cues from him and let him take the lead in conversations with others. So at this point, some people know, and some people don’t, and I’m going to roll with that. I try to be an advocate in conversations and at work without mentioning my personal connection to an LGBTQ+ person, which isn’t proving to be difficult.
roxie
You sound like a great mom.
NYNY
I have a gay nephew who started coming out when he was 14 or so. He grew up in a community that was generally supportive, but was attending a school that was less supportive (although not hostile). He took his time coming out, which was the right way for him and 100% his decision. However, his mother (my SIL) jumped right into joining PFLAG, putting up rainbow flag stickers, wearing t-shirts with rainbows and/or ally messages. It was A LOT. And it turns out that it made him really uncomfortable at times, both because he perceived that it sometimes outed him when he wasn’t ready, and also because it felt like his mother was making his sexuality about her. I believe that her intentions were good, but the way she did it didn’t really support her son.
I think it’s best to have an ongoing dialogue with your son about what would make him feel most supported now and what may make sense in the future. Keep talking about it over time. The most important thing of all is that he knows that you have his back, so your first actions may be very personal, like confronting bigotry expressed by people around you.
anon
Thank you — this is really helpful.
Anon
Search for pride door wreaths on Etsy… there are plenty that are fake florals in the sequence of a rainbow. Not as loud as a flag but very much a when you know, you know, and if you don’t, more conservative folks tend to just think it’s lovely and colorful.
Anonymous
Are there any local organizations in your area that support gay youth? Can you donate to them? Like messaging to your son that we support you but if you need extra support or know any friends who do, please know these orgs. are there for you.
Let your teen lead on how publicly or not publicly he wants you to be pro pride.
Anon
As a parent who struggled with this as well, I strongly encourage continuing to let your child lead. As him what (if anything) he would like you to do and then do (or perhaps more importantly refrain from doing) in accordance with his wishes. I completely understand the impulse to demonstrate support but at this age that needs to be about what his needs and not your desires, although that will change as he gets older.
Annony
Your son is so lucky to have loving, supportive parents who are even asking these questions. As you know, not all young people are so fortunate. As others have advised, take your cues from him … but I think there are many ways to support him, and his community, without outing him or making it about you. Is there an LGBTQ+ center near you, particularly one focused on supporting youths? See if they need volunteers! Politically, the community is in a fight for their lives … where can you lend support?
Seventh Sister
As the parent of a teen and a tween, I find myself wanting to be super vocal and supportive of them but have to remind myself that as their parent, I am super embarrassing because I am their parent. I’d ask him what he wants you to do.
We live in a blue city in a blue county in a blue state, and the rhetoric from the oh-so-liberal, equity-all-the-time, super-duper tolerant, anti-bullying, safe-space high school is in stark contrast to what actually happens to LGBTQ+ teens at the high school (slurs bandied about constantly, frequent assaults on tr*ns students). I think you are right to be cautious about outing your kid.
Anon
Thank you for posting this. This behavior aligns with what I saw when I lived in a blue city/county/state about race, sexuality, and so many things – everyone was fine until it was their next door neighbor, their kid’s friend, etc.
Seventh Sister
There’s a very performative nature to a lot of the tolerance espoused in my bluer-than-blue community.
Anon
I love your tone – your thoughtfulness as a parent is palpable.
Definitely ask your son, but perhaps there are things you can do in parallel? Self-education/library books, small tokens inside the house, donations, etc.?
I also live in a red state/blue city and have a “All Are Welcome Here” sign in pride/transgender colors outside of my home – and we’re a household of 2 straight adults and 2 kids 5 and under. It may be performative to many, and for good reason, but to me it’s a very small act of resistance in a state that just passed some really crappy laws for the transgender and drag communities.
Colette
I think the biggest thing you can do is set and hold very firm boundaries around conduct and comments you will tolerate around you and your son.
Your comment seems to hint that your parents would not be welcoming to gay people. I’m absolutely sure that your son picks up on this. Push back on any negative comments at our parents make and make it very clear you will not tolerate those views.
I grew up gay and my parents let a lot of comments slide in church that didn’t match what they said their values were and made me feel very uncomfortable about myself.
I do not get allowing hateful people in your children’s life.
It’s 2023, why are we tolerating this garbage.
Vicky Austin
Hey gang, I’m back and I have a stain question.
We’ve gotten a metric shit-ton of rain here in north Texas and the ceiling of a storage closet leaked. I had a bin of out-of-season/pre-pregnancy clothes in there with no lid on it (had recently gone looking for something and forgot to put the lid back). Almost everything survived, except my favorite bright yellow J. Crew dress, which sucked up a bunch of random red dye spots from the cheap Amazon dress it was wedged next to. Any ideas to try at home before I take it to the dry cleaners??
(And yes, I am typing this from under a very sleepy 2mo DS!)
Clementine
oh ugh. I would take an innocuous test spot and try:
Alcohol – good at removing ink stains
(Assuming the dress isn’t poly or a poly blend) acetone – also good at removing dyes/paints
Paste of OxyClean and water – my go-to stain remover for all things.
Anon
Congratulations on your new baby!
Clementine
Also, OMG Congratulations!!! Welcome tiny human!
Anon
My theory about such stains is that the dye was unstable enough to leach out of the original item, so it will come out of the yellow sundress. So don’t dry it, don’t use hot water, but in the meantime, use your usual stain removal tools. If those do not work, there is a remover specifically for red stains that works for red Kool-Aid, red wine and the like. It took out a bunch of fruit punch from a dining room chair for me, as well as red vomit from carpet. I am sure it is now available online everywhere, but I used to have to get it from a janitorial supply company. Considering your stage of life, it might be worth getting a bottle to have on hand.
Smokey
No stain advice but congratulations!!
anon a mouse
Congratulations!
I have had good luck using Clorox 2 directly on dye transfer stains. My sister sends us a lot of her tie-dye creations and about once a year one sneaks into a regular laundry load and we end up with random transfer spots. Good luck!
Anonymous
No advice but congratulations! You can also always dye the dress a darker color if the stains don’t come out…
Anon
Depending on what it’s made of . . .
Seafinch
Congratulations!! I was hoping for an update. hope it is going well.
Vicky Austin
Thank you (and everybody!). We are doing well. Hope you and your new babe are too!
anon
I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family and high conflict divorce after which my parents prompty forgot about me. Needless to say I have a lot of trauma and am therapy. i’m also wondering if there are support groups for this kind of thing/where I may find them?
Vicky Austin
Have you checked out r/raisedbynarcissists? I have a friend who swears they got her into therapy and subsequently going no-contact with her mom.
Notinstafamous
I’m currently reading “adult children of emotionally immature parents” by L. Gibson and while my situation is a bit different, you might find it useful or interesting.
anon
Thanks, just checked it out from the library!
Anon
+1 that book is amazing
Anon
There are some helpful subreddits depending on the type your experience. R/adultchildren or r/estrangedadultchild
Kitchen Paint
What color would you paint the walls in a kitchen where the cabinets are navy and the counters are white? Floor tile is an indeterminate neutral, subtle pattern in white and greige. where there is backsplash, it is also white. The property is in the UK so most of the appliances are hidden within cabinet facing, and the only exposed appliance is a stainless steel fridge-freezer. Importantly, I do not want to paint the walls grey. I truly hate grey interior paint colors. But I am open to almost any other colors.
Anonymous
Teal, orange, or yellow could be fun if you want the walls to pop (but I find it very hard to find the right yellow paint color)
Muted colors: dusky blue, misty teal
Anon
Perhaps a warm sandy color? Or if the size and lighting work, lean into the navy and go all-in on making the walls match?
Anon
Depending on the shade of navy, what about green?
There’s a photo on this page that shows what I’m thinking about: https://littleterracedhouse.com/2021/01/14/choose-a-green-kitchen-for-2021/
JD
I have cautious tastes so I recommend looking at various white or white adjacent shades. You already have navy cabinets for interest, and it sounds like you’re not really that big of a color person.
Cb
I also hate grey walls. I’d go to Lick and ask for their advice. I painted our sitting room lick red 4 and love it.
Chl
YMMV but I recently asked chatgpt this. I asked for several options using Benjamin Moore paint and lots of key words about the style I wanted and existing fixtures.
Anonymous
What color grout is in your backsplash? Can you match to that? If not, I’d paint it with a white that works with the backsplash.
Anon
I think white would be fine and a nice neutral – just choose the shade well. Not every room needs a ton of competing colors IMO.
Anon
I would choose something that ties the kitchen in with the rest of the house, or at least the connecting room(s).
Anonymous
Coral would lovely. Either as a bright coral, or a lighter colour broken with grey to make it more or less dusty, or as a pastel peachy coral.
CreditRisk
I’d go with a soft gold. It has the yellow undertone and will be neutral enough. It isn’t grey but isn’t something too bright or a pastel.
Anon
Light green, pale yellow, cornflower blue, orange if you like it, pink.
Runcible Spoon
Violet paint on the walls goes well with stainless steel appliances, I was once told.
BB
Just sharing a kind of funny thing that I think this hive would appreciate. My cat started sleeping in the bottom of my doorless walk-in closet a few months ago under my jackets. I found out last week that she had gotten her claws into one of my St. John jackets hanging above her, which is now basically ruined. It’s got dozens of snags in it. Good thing it’s a bit of an old jacket that I didn’t wear much anymore.
So now my cat has a bed lined with a St. John jacket, and she’s very happy.
Anon
Ha! Sad for your closet and wallet, but kitty is definitely living her best life!
Anonymous
Awwww Princess deserves it
anon
Live your best bougie life, kitty!
Anon
Werk it, kitty!!
Anon
Werk it, kitty!!
Clementine
Way back a little more than a decade ago, this amazing accomplished woman came and spoke to the small Women’s Leadership class I was in. She was so incredibly polished and professional and I took so much from just the 90 minutes she talked to us.
Well, I am now at a level where I have not only gotten to be on calls with her, I’m actively leading a group that she’s in. Would it be weird if I sent her a message saying, ‘Hi. I know we’re on the XYZ workgroup together, but I also wanted to let you know that we first met when you came and spoke in (person’s) class back in 2012. I just wanted to let you know how impactful the guidance that you shared then was. I wanted to thank you for your generosity with your time back then and say that I’m thrilled to be able to work together on this.’
I don’t want anything from her except to thank her for taking time out of her super busy schedule to talk to a group of women in the beginnings of their careers. Ironically, she works with 2 of us now!
Anon
I think that would be lovely.
Cat
I would love to be on the receiving end of that kind of a note!
Vicky Austin
Same! And heck, I love extending those kinds of notes/acknowledgements. The recipient always seems thrilled.
Anon
Absolutely do that – those are the messages I keep forever.
Anne-on
I think this is lovely and I would be so touched if I got a similar note!
Anon
I do some of this speaking for my professional org as an older professional (I’m the lunchtime speaker at a small conference that is held regularly) and I would absolutely love if if someone said this to me!!
Anon
Anyone have either the Oofos recovery slides or the Hoka 3 slides? What do you think about them? I’m a walker, not a runner, but my feet are almost constantly sore due to neuropathy, and my leg muscles feel it on days I do hills.
Anon
I have the Oofos flip flops. My reason was neuropathy and needing arch support. Thankfully my neuropathy has healed up since then, but I still appreciate how comfortable they are. They are not however super stable, so that is my one caution. Maybe the slides would be more stable. But they’re very soft and good for walking on even, paved surfaces.
Anon
I have plantar fasciitis and love wearing the Oofos slides around the house, but beware if you take them to a pool. They get extremely slippery and unstable if worn on wet feet.
Anonymous
I have both and I prefer my Hokas but both are great.
Anonymous
I have a pair of oofos slides and cannot wear them to walk. They don’t seem to have enough support for me. My friend has their flip flops and really loves them. I tried hers and they seemed comfortable, but I don’t like something between my toes, so bought the slides. Custom orthotics work for me.
joan wilder
Help me decide to succomb (or not) to my Insta ad targeting. I got ads for a brand I had not heard of before called Roselili that has some really cute, slightly retro blouses. Has anyone heard of it and is this trash/fast fashion? Midrange mall brand? Something else?
Anonymous
i’m not familiar with the brand but i think reddit has a lot of notes on whether certain brands are dropshippers so i’d check there. just googling “roselili scam” turns up a lot of results. try doing a google image search on products you like to see if you can find a better source or similar item maybe?
Anon
My teen daughter got sucked into Insta ads and ordered a couple of things that never came. She was using her debit card and didn’t have any protection from the bank either.
I’d google the brand and find it outside of IG and see if you can find reviews. One of the things my daughter ordered was available from many sellers much cheaper outside of IG.
C2
Any recs for what kind of camera I might look at, to be primarily used for travel? I’ve done some light internet searching and I still feel unclear. I think I just want a nice point-and-shoot? Influencers seem to like the Canon G7X but I’m not a vlogger and it seems like there are others with better photo capabilities? I also don’t take a lot of closer-up photos of people which seems like where a mirrorless would shine? Budget isn’t really an issue, I want something that’s reasonably compact but doesn’t need to be ultra small, and can withstand a light rain or wet conditions, but no need to be fully waterproof (no underwater photography here!). Would love your opinions!
Cat
tbh I would just put my money towards the smartphone of your choice’s best camera offering, and look up basic photo tips — like the rule of thirds, letting the light do the work for you by avoiding harsh midday pics, etc. Unless you’re truly trying to go for professional quality, do you really want to lug around a whole camera?
Anon
+1 smartphone is going to be better than any point and shoot. I’m a fairly serious hobby photographer who owns an entry level DSLR and some lenses of varying degrees of fanciness, but TBH these days I rarely take my DSLR on trips unless I know there’s a need for it. There are a few things that smartphones don’t work for, e.g., wildlife photography where you aren’t very close to the animals, but for almost everything else the smartphone is just as good.
Anonymous
I have 2 sony alpha mirrorless cameras and love them. I have the a6000 (asp-c sensor) and the a7riv (full frame sensor). The a6000 is quite light (this is an older version; I think they’re now up to a6600?). They are interchangeable lenses, so if you want to bring multiple lenses that can give heavy, but I have an 18-200 mm lens for the a6000 that works well for multiple travel situations where I don’t want to bring multiple lenses.
Anonymous
(But I will say if you don’t want multiple lenses, just go for a nice point and shoot)
Flats Only
If you’re looking at a “point and shoot” level of capability, you probably already have one – it’s your phone. Any recent iPhone will take remarkably good pictures. I used my on a recent trip to Antarctica, and the photos I entered in the ship-wide photo contest were just as good as the ones taken with $$$ fancy cameras. The only thing it lacks is a really good zoom for wildlife close ups, but you can get little magnetic add-on lenses for that. You say you’re not a vlogger, so no reason to lug around a separate piece of equipment.
Nesprin
Hear me out on this: if you’re looking for a thing that can take pics anywhere and you’re not interested in photography: Gopro. It’s a point and shoot with a video mode, is designed to be indestructible, has solid battery life, and can dump pictures directly to your phone or computer.
anon
I’ve had multiple iterations of the Canon G7, and currently have the EOS M6 Mark II. Both really shine in low light conditions, and the EOS M6 has some pretty cool abilities to shoot at night without a tripod. The G7 is a great step up from a phone and has a fairly good zoom lens built in. I really love the electronic viewfinder on the other camera. Both fit in a purse.
Anon
I am not sure whether this is a vent or a request for advice. I have a FB account and rarely post. My husband’s siblings are in it all day long, particularly one of his sisters who is some combination of busybody and self-appointed lay minister who wants to tell everyone about Jesus in a very judgmental way.
I have my privacy locked down so they can’t directly post things to my wall (they used to do it all the time!) but the sister managed to do a long response to a post I made congratulating a family member on my side for graduating from college.
Her comment was insulting and dripping with condescension and I deleted it, but then she posted again “I was misunderstood. I meant it as a compliment!” (B, no you did not, and anyone could see that) so I unfriended her. I know this means she’s going to gather her flying monkeys and they’re going to come at me.
I would hate to have to delete my fb altogether because my older relatives are not going to start using IG….
Anyway, advice?
Anon
Sounds like you did what you needed to do (unfriended her). I don’t see why you would need to delete your fb altogether now that you solved the problem! Yes SIL is going to create drama over this, but it sounds she was already creating drama (which is how she got herself unfriended).
anon
+1. Keep deleting all day long … and ignore the rest. SIL sounds delightful! /s
Cat
learn how to block ppl without unfriending them?
Anon
learn how to block ppl without unfriending them?
Anon
I don’t think you can do that.
Anon
If you look at that person’s profile and click on the friends options. There is a “Take a Break” setting in Facebook. For me at least, I see a “Limit what can see”. And then there is a “Hide your posts from profile”. This puts them on a restricted list. I don’t know how well this works. But I’ve turned this setting on with extended family members who have posted not helpful comments.
Sorry OP you have to deal with this. It’s frustrating when commenting on something joyful (ex. a graduation) is just returned with something not productive by others.
Anon
“I was misunderstood” = ultimate passive-aggressive blame shifting. I can be a quite blunt, so I usually respond with “if you find yourself being frequently misunderstood, learn to communicate better.”
Anon
I think she may have been triggered by the phrase “Liberal Arts” 🙄
Anon
Block her,
Sybil
Best iced tea recommendations? I like Tazo passion (hot and iced) and am looking for other suggestions beyond Luzianne.
Anon
I’m pretty loyal to Lipton, but we tried Lovare tea recently and I keep meaning to try it iced.
Anon
For black tea, I use PG Tips brewed extra, extra strong. I buy it in big boxes online because it is a fraction of the cost in my regular grocery store. Red Rose is my second favorite. Years ago, I bought one of every kind of black tea available at my grocery store and tried them all in different strengths, and these were the clear winners to my palate.
Anon
J just make my own. I rarely get the bottled stuff because it’s not as good. It’s not really a brand thing, I don’t think, it’s a bottling/preservation thing. I steep a bag of Bigelow Earl Grey in a tiny little 1 c teapot and pour it over a large glass of ice.
Greensleeves
We frequently make iced tea with 3/4 Luzianne or Lipton or whatever black tea bags and the rest with fruity herbal tea bags. So I’ll buy a sample pack if I can find one (Celestial Seasonings often has them), and then we’ll have cycle through the different flavors.
Sybil
Ooh I like the mix idea.
Anonymous
I do the same but with good tea.
Anon
Shots fired
Greensleeves
Ouch! :-)
I’m always open to upgrading. What brands do you recommend for the black tea and herbal tea?
Anon
We use Allegro Jasmine Green for sun tea and it is honestly delicious.
Anonymous
China Mist is my daily iced tea. I am also obsessed with teas from Tea Pigs.
Ano
Hear me out- barley tea. Found in most Asian grocery stores. I grew up with the stuff and enjoy it hot or cold.
Anon
Stash Tea Moroccan mint, hands down
Lucille
The “Just Peachy” from David’s tea is a delicious fruity blend that is great iced. I cold brew a pitcher of it with half a lemon and a squeeze of honey every week in the summer.
Runcible Spoon
Dilmah brand ceylon tea — buy it online. Makes a delicious, brisk ice-tea.
2L now 3L
Three (3!) of my fellow summer associates have worn crop tops to work in our New York fairly stuff law firm! I didn’t know people were doing the suit with crop top look in real life
Anonymous
They shouldn’t be.
Trish
lol! Well, I dressed like Ally McBeal when I graduated in 1996.
PJ
Please please keep us updated on how this goes!
Anon
Well I just had penne ala vodka for breakfast. How’s YOUR day going?
Anon
(It’s actually rigatoni – here’s the recipe)
https://food52.com/recipes/84999-best-vodka-sauce-recipe?utm_source=Instagram&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Social
Anon8
I had strawberry rhubarb pie for breakfast. No regrets!!
Anon
Yum!
Anonymous
Heh, I’m having strawberry rhubarb cake for dinner!
Vicky Austin
I had strawberry rhubarb crumble for breakfast!!