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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cross-Front Flutter-Sleeve Dress

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Spring is here and I am ready for ALL of the bright colors. This flutter-sleeve dress from Eloquii comes in the gorgeous “peppery vermillion” color shown here and a really pretty hot pink.

I would keep this dress on hand for more casual days in the office and the roughly one million bridal showers/baby showers/engagement parties that are bound to crop up later this summer once it’s safe to get together.

The dress is $99.95 at Eloquii and comes in sizes 14–28.

If this orange caught your eye but you need another size range, this dress at Ann Taylor is available in regular sizes 00–18 and petite 00–16 ($149 full price; be on the lookout for sales). This Alexia Admor dress is on sale at Nordstrom Rack for $69.97 and comes in XS–XL.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

365 Comments

  1. Any recommendations for Trader Joe’s products introduced during the past year? I’m planning a TJ’s trip tomorrow for the first time since the start of the pandemic, since I’m now fully vaccinated. I plan to pick up longtime staples like the unexpected cheddar and frozen croissants, but would love suggestions for new favorites!

    1. I love the soup dumplings. Maybe it’s more than a year but i am forever stocking up.

      2. I love those, too.

        The plantain croutons are living up to the hype.
        Not sure if they are new this year, but the riced cauliflower bowls make a surprisingly filling lunch for the calories.

      3. Are those the same as the potstickers? I know they can be used in soups but I always call them potstickers. If so, yes, they’re amazing. If not, get both.

    2. I’m not sure if this is new (probably not) but I recently bought a bag of their pre-made pizza dough and it’s really, really good. I even used it to make sweet bread and my husband thought it came from a bakery. They have plain dough but also an herbed dough. I also got a box of k-cups and I think it’s called “extra charged” coffee – it has more caffeine than a regular K-cup. The taste was really, really good. Let us know if you find anything good! I usually get my spices there too – so inexpensive. I love TJs!

    3. I just had my first post-vax trip to TJ’s too! I felt like I was at Disney World. I don’t think they are new, but the mini coffee ice cream cones are divine. I also stocked up on the Meyer lemon cake mix.

      1. We are forever stocked in the mini ice cream cones. They are the perfect size for my kid’s regular occasion desserts (and perfect size for us for something sweet that doesn’t feel too crazy).

    4. OP, just want to say that today is my 14th day post shot 2…and I have been planning and fantasizing about my trip to TJ’s which I’m making tomorrow morning for the first time since the pandemic too! Following with interest and amusement…

    5. Their everything but the bagel seasoned nuts are good. There are like a million Instagram accounts with what’s good there and currently on my list to try the next time i go is the vegan bolognese and the Thai wheat noodles. Their oven baked cheese bites are popular in my house and they are much less expensive than similar products at the regular grocery store. I also like their frozen stir fry cauliflower rice and they have a New Mexican one

    6. I don’t know if these are new but I also recently went to TJ’s post-vax and yes, it’s heaven! I like the frozen paratha, the sliced jicama, vegan Green Goddess dressing (I’m not vegan, it’s just delish), and frozen salmon cakes (great for putting on a salad).

    7. The wizu (sp?) sauce and the crunchy onion chile topping. Scallion pancakes. Vanilla bean cake mix. Canned fire roasted tomatoes. Pane. Tomato and brie tart. Four cheese frozen pasta dinner for 1, if you like blue cheese (I add tons of fresh spinach and have it for two meals). The chicken tikka masala dinner. Bagged salad with blue cheese and cranberries. Peanut vinaigrette. Frozen roasted corn. Carnitas. Lavendar sachet bags for the dryer. And lots more.

      1. Yes to the scallion pancakes– Pa Jeon. They are SO good. They’ve been around a while though…

    8. Is Trader Joe’s mask free or so dangerous that people are waiting until after their second shots? I don’t see how it would be more dangerous than other grocery stores. In my city people still wear masks inside.

      1. I don’t know about the OP, but the TJs by me is small, always packed, has lines out the door and it is pretty impossible to social distance in. Love them, but avoided them until I was vaccinated as well.

      2. I think Trader Joes tend to be smaller and more crowded then regular grocery stores, so people might be less comfortable. Also, in my area at least, you have to wait in line to get in unless you go at a very odd hour, because they are limiting the number of people in the store at one time.

        And for me, Trader Joe is just for “fun food.” I can’t really seem to get staples there, and even in non-pandemic times, I was not going to go to TJ and then at least one other grocery store to get the food I needed.

      3. We’ve been going weekly throughout. The reason there is a line outside is because they limit capacity inside. I honestly wish they would keep doing that forever because not having to break through cart traffic jams means it’s actually net faster to shop.

        1. +1 I’m sure this is TJ location specific but at ours because they are diligent about the line outside it is probably one of the most socially distanced stores I go to, even though it’s small.

      4. I think of them as a bit more dangerous than stores that offer curbside and pick up since there are more individual shoppers moving through the store. They’re also not just very spacious.

      6. OP here: I’ve avoided TJ’s (and almost all indoor public spaces) because DH is in a high risk group and, with the exception of last summer, cases have generally been high in my area. We’ve been very happy using the Whole Foods/Prime curbside pickup for the past year, so it hasn’t seemed worth the risk to go into public stores. That’s just us, though. Absent the underlying condition, we might have acted differently.

        Thanks to all for the recommendations. Time to make my shopping list!

      7. I’m not OP but one of the responders…I haven’t been to any grocery store in person, but TJ’s doesn’t deliver (where I am at least), and they have unique foods I have been craving for a year.

    9. I so very much missed Trader Joe’s in the 9 months before I was vaccinated. It’s weird that I get so much joy out of going there. My daughter went for me during the pandemic, though, because they don’t deliver or do instacart and I can’t live without some of their products.

      I have celiac, and only eat gluten free so my choices are probably boring to everyone else. But I like their cauliflower pizza better than any other. I get their baby langoustines to make lobster Newberg (crazy easy) and frozen salmon patties for quick meals. They have frozen Brazilian Cheese Balls that are great too. And their bagged salads are great for work at home lunches. I add avocado chunks to the southwest one and ripe pears to the pear-ginger one and apples to the kale salad.

    10. Big fans of:
      – Plantain chips – plain and jerk
      – Kringles (right now is raspberry)
      – Almond or Chocolate frozen croissants
      – Onion dip
      – Oat milk
      – Pretzel bagels

  2. Let me preface by saying I never thought I would be the one defending Chua like this. I thought her “tiger mom” book perpetuated harmful stereotypes about Asians. However, the recent news coverage and anonymous student letter portraying her as a shameless liar, and an evil scheming dragon lady is making my blood boil.

    One thing I will give Chua, is that aside from her notoriety from the tiger mom book and the click-bait articles, and on an individual level, she actually was a good person and did care about students, regardless of their race or social class. Full disclosure, I never took any classes or worked with her, and these are purely my observations. Being a research assistant to a professor at YLS is very important to getting clerkships, and compared to other professors, Chua consistently hired the most POCs, first gen, or non-Ivy grads as her RAs, and consistently fed the most women clerks to the SC. I know a black woman, a South Asian woman, and a white woman who went to a state school and was also a first generation immigrant, who got their Supreme Court clerkships with her sponsorship. She also hosted a lot of affinity events with POC and women, where she gave straight answers about how things worked at the law school instead of some carefully worded BS that didn’t address the question. I did try to get into her classes, which have consistently been the number one most in demand class at the law school, because people said she actually taught the law, and did it in a caring and informative way. She is not a crazy conservative like the media paints, but actually the most politically apathetic person at the school, and mentored both liberals and conservatives, perhaps a sin at YLS. Sure, let’s single out and penalize the Asian woman who dares to invite students to her house, leak it to the news, violate her right to confidentiality, and bar her from teaching, never mind giving her due process, considering her explanation that she only invited students who were stressed out by the anti-Asian violence they experienced and the law school’s lack of response to this issue, and conducting an independent investigation first. I can see how some overzealous white progressives who grew up privileged, and who would never admit they might be racist on some level, can mischaracterize Chua’s honesty as inappropriate.

    What I heard through the grapevine is that Chua had refused to support the law school dean when the dean was running for the deanship, and openly campaigned for her competitor, who was the faculty favorite. To garner support, the dean went around getting letters of support from the leaders of the black student association and some student affinity groups who argued that YLS needs its first woman dean, and subsequently got the deanship. Interestingly, after the dean got elected, all the Chua gossips that everyone had known for decades suddenly started leaking as exaggerated half-truths to select liberal outlets. Chua also notes in her letter that the dean failed to give her due process in her letter to the law school, and questioned the suspicions way in which the leak to the YDN happened. Of course, Chua’s parenting book got her notoriety, but the timing of these leaks are very weird. The dean is too smart to leak them herself. It would not surprise me if they were leaked by students who were egged on. If true, the hypocrisy of it all is sickening. The dean is a well known progressive liberal white woman who publicly brands herself as an advocate for POC and women. Let’s just say David Lat (YLS grad)‘s novel Supreme Ambition referenced a law professor who will only mentor people who might be in a position to influence the Democrats’ nominations to the Supreme Court. Yet the dean comes out of these scandals looking like a white knight punishing the evil dragon lady. This whole fiasco is starting to look eerily like Stalin using his Red Guards to purge oppositions.

    Just check out that anonymous student letter accusing Chua of corrupting YLS values and being predatory. It reeks of smug self-righteousness, and lack of any concrete claims based on first-hand experience. In Paragraph 4, the writer acknowledges that many of Chua’s invitees “came from marginalized backgrounds” and claims to feel sorry for them, assuming they were pressured to go to Chua’s house. This is such a classic elitist move—claim they’ re only doing this to help the marginalized while taking away their only access to mentor/power, and conveniently removing competitions for clermship. Paragraph 3 claims the YDN reviewed “documented evidence,” when the YDN article called them allegations. The letter strongly suggests the writer and his/her alleged friends are likely white self-proclaimed SJWs who were not invited to Chua’s house but may have heard about it from others—pettiness framed as hypocritical liberal outrage.

    Chua is no saint, but she is nowhere as evil or cunning as the media and this anonymous student letter make her out to be. If anything, her bluntness and LACK of cunning got her into this hot mess. Is she partially responsible for her own notoriety? No doubt. Who is really winning and losing here? Chua will be fine (she has tenure, and can afford to leave). What about the people she would have otherwise championed? Instead of pushing out the only professor who actually mentors students without agendas, how about hiring more professors who walk the walk, talk the talk? Why do the elitist hypocrites always win?

    2. I went to a law school that is T25 in a good year. I think that that is about the level where you still get taught legal skills (like signature blocks are important) but might have higher aspirations. We had a lot of first-generation students (do not wear a bowler hat to a BigLaw interview) and also POC. What stuck me the most about Chua is nothing she has said, it is that the Hillbilly Elegy guy spoke highly of her for mentoring him and not scoffing about his flyover state and State U background like most professors at Yale. That sort of told me all I need to know about the place and confirmed what I always thought about how law schools are cash cows riding on the backs of first -gen and POC students saddled with debt for careers they are ill-prepared for while other kids get the most attention and often the top jobs.

    3. I don’t know her, but it is so good as a student to have a professor who is actually a good teacher.

      I don’t know the Yale faculty either, but could it be that there is a lot of jealousy at play here? Like Chua wrote a best-seller and that has got to have made her some $. I (flyover state lawyer) know who she is b/c I read a review of Tiger Mom in the WSJ years ago. I doubt I could name another Yale professor and whatever they have written (law review articles) has likely never been read by anyone other than cite-checkers on the journal that published it.

        1. This is not a helpful comment. She is entitled to her views. If you can’t contribute, don’t try to censor others.

      1. I look at schools that are supposed to be looked up to and nothing I see impresses me. Quite the opposite. Schools should get called out rightly for the sh*t they do but people are generally afraid to do that. I’m glad it is being done; sad is isn’t done more elsewhere.

      2. I think when you’re writing a post defending yourself it’s hard to be brief. This should google up nicely with her name included so many times.

        2. Wow, OP here. You actually think I’m Chua? This is too hilarious. This must be the alt-left conspiracy at its height lol.

          1. *eyeroll* I think what they’re saying is that you wrote a big wall of text and sound a little cray.

          2. Oh come on. You cite certain paragraphs in a letter. You seem to have an incredibly detailed knowledge of her situation, down to the original source material. For someone who is not her, you are very invested in all this.

          3. If you’re not Amy Chua and you still care this much, there’s something deeply wrong with you.

          4. Doesn’t Chua have at least one daughter who is also a lawyer? Maybe that’s who we’re hearing from!

          6. Yes, call me crazy and accuse me of being Chua. This is just too funny.

          7. My reading of the post is that the OP is personally invested for reasons that don’t involve being part of the Chua family. It seems as if she is an alumna of Yale Law. At smaller schools (my alma mater is a similar size), students know their professors even if they do not have them in class. They also know their reputations as people, even if they do not have them in class.

            She may be a POC or first-generation lawyer who appreciated good mentorship, or saw the mentorship that her white and connected peers got and she lacked.

            There are literally a million lawyers in America. Why are you insinuating that the OP must be Chua or one of her daughters?

    6. It’s pretty clear she specifically agreed not to have students to her home because of her predator husband and then did so any way. She is a rich powerful woman who hasn’t lost her job over any of her misconduct and could easily have avoided all of this.

    7. Eh, that’s a lot of energy on the firstest of first world problems. Like anyone outside YLS cares. Read the Chua book, was interesting, liked how she mentored the Hillbilly Elegy guy – good for her, that’s about all the investment I need to have on her other than of course wishing her well personally.

      1. I went to YLS and got can tell you very few people I know from there even care much about this.

    8. Gonna be honest, I also am connected to a grapevine of YLS grads and I first started hearing stuff about her and her husband via that route when the harassment allegations against her husband came out. In general, what I heard wasn’t good – ots of stories about playing favorites on behalf of students who are comfortable with socializing with them heavily outside of school, and the sense that if you don’t want to be part of your professor’s social circle, then you weren’t going to have the same kind of access to clerkships, job recommendations, etc. Lots of vague references to not feeling comfortable in some of the resulting situations. These are people who generally share her politics and opinions but don’t really want to be in a position where getting a good rec for an appellate clerkship is contingent on boozing with your prof on the weekend and tolerating borderline conduct from her husband.

      Look, this isn’t unique to Amy Chua or her husband – there are always professors who want to be adored and will favor students who make satisfactory demonstrations of adoration, and that seems to be especially the case at elite law schools (as someone who attended one and taught in one in a clinical capacity). But it’s not a good thing.

      1. I’m not following this story, but I’m getting strong Professor Slughorn vibes from this description.

      2. My undergrad had a few professors who clearly wanted (and got!) an adoration circle. I didn’t think much of them then, and I *really* don’t think much of them now. To a person, they had tenure but weren’t very intellectually interesting or prolific (most were very popular teachers of intro or intermediate classes).

        Luckily, this was balanced out by some truly wonderful professors who weren’t trying to be adored by every student but really did help and connect with me, including outside of class (in totally appropriate ways).

    9. I used to think I wanted to teach but the more I see about academic, the more appealing staying in BigLaw becomes. It is a sausage factory to be sure, but it has nothing on law schools. From what I have seen and heard about this dean, she seems to be a particular treat. And I hate the optics — I’d rather have a neutral male dean than a female dean who is petty (among other things).

    10. Tangentially related, but I’ve always wondered who got SC clerkships and why so many from HLS / YLS. The sponsorship theme reminded me of this discussion a couple years back.

      “Out of my classmates, the ones who secured Supreme Court or other prestigious clerkships were the ones who maximized the number of seminars, clinics, and black letter law classes with a paper option + RA’ed for certain professors + worked for certain feeder judges + studied super hard for the bluebook exam so they could get on YLJ. Needless to say, the vast majority of them went to an Ivy League school or Oxbridge prior to YLS and thus had greater access to this type of info.”

      https://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=297646

      1. Of course it’s all about connections, and those connections are all made at HLS/YLS. Everyone who has gone to law school knows that. I just wish someone had explained it to me before I enrolled at a lower-ranked school because scholarship, or that I had listened to the 1L professor who told me to transfer to Yale.

    12. I was able to read these entire comment without understanding what this was even about. Is this a also defense of Rubenfeld? Because if he’s not innocent, I’m not really interested in a defense of Chua.

  3. I’m completely disgusted with my oldest and closest friend. Her grandparent has been admitted to the hospital with Covid. Grandparent is not yet vaccinated, because friend, friend’s parents and friend’s other family member are selfish and self centered and did not prioritize getting the grandparent signed up or transported to get the vaccine, despite most of those people including my friend being vaccinated themselves. There was one occasion where there was an appointment scheduled and friend decided not to take grandparent because she decided it would be too risky to be in the same car with the grandparent. This grandparent is such a special person, I’m just devastated they’ve been treated this way. This exact situation is what I’ve been fearing for months. Friend is reaching out to me for support, which I will give, but I’m so incredibly mad at her. Any advice on how to be supportive and how to manage the feelings I have towards the friend?

    1. I couldn’t be supportive to the friend in this scenario, so I would manage my feelings on my own and be honest with the friend that I was not able to be her/his/their support in this particular instance.

    2. I have been in a similar situation and I honestly find it really frustrating and hard to be sympathetic. Even though your friend is probably learning a hard lesson now, I personally have a really hard time dealing with people who did not take the one helpful simple step (helping a priority group grandparent get vaccinated) they should’ve taken before someone got hurt. That being said, he is not your grandfather and you need to keep that in mind. Just be sympathetic and vent elsewhere.

    3. I’d simmer down and step back a bit, do you actually know what’s going on? First, a lot of grandparents aren’t helpless (my parents are in their 80s and were perfectly capable of getting vaccinated all on their own and they did). Second, the major drumbeat all year has been don’t see elderly people/ don’t expose them, etc., so if your friend wasn’t vaccinated herself yet, it may have been very rational not to potentially expose her grandparents in a car ride. You also don’t know how difficult grandparents may be about accepting help. Be a bit more curious before you get so furious. And also understand there’s a lot of decisions that with the benefit of hindsight may be made differently.

      1. I was feeling the same way but struggling to put it into words – perhaps there is a lot of context you left out, OP, but it feels like there’s a lot of jumping to conclusions going on. I hope grandparent recovers.

      2. This was my thought as well. It sounds like there could be a LOT of nuances here behind decisions that were made that I could see an outsider not appreciating fully. I would give benefit of the doubt, maybe.

      3. I have parents that are in their 80’s and they are stubborn AF and still independent. I cannot make them do anything. They live in Mass. They could have been vaccinated sooner if they would have let me take them to Gillette or Fenway but they didn’t want to do that. They are uncomfortable in long car rides. They have to pee. None of the solutions I offered sounded good to them. They waited until the vaccine was available near their small town and they were able to get it through their medical practice group, with whom they are comfortable, rather than at a mass site.

        You and I can judge their decisions all day long but they are competent adults and they get to make them. I wasn’t going to forcibly kidnap my parents to drag them to Gillette. At the same time, I wasn’t going to pass up getting my vaccine when I was eligible.

        You do not have the whole story here.

        1. 100%. Please, OP, before just completely washing your hands of this friend make sure you have the full story. My 93 year old grandmother took 3 months to get vaccinated once she was eligible. First, the hesitancy. Then the excuses. Then the logistics. Then her health (two appointments cancelled because she woke up too tired feeling). Then logistics again. Then it had been long enough we were back to hesitancy. All my aunts and uncles were vaccinated before she was. My sister and husband were vaccinated before she was as well. She had a COVID scare because her home health aid had COVID before the aid could be vaccinated, but at the time my grandmother was eligible and had not gotten around to it.

        2. I agree that you can’t make an adult do something. Also, OP, did you call the grandparent or friend and offer help? I cared for an ill family member for a time, it was really tough and there were a million considerations no one else saw. I’d be really unhappy if a friend blamed me for not doing a good enough job when they had no clue about the bigger picture.

          1. I would not think it was my place to proactively offer to help my able-bodied friends get their grandparents vaccinated. Come on. Not my problem.

          2. Then you would probably also not feel like it was your place to complain about said friends and their grandparents.

        1. But there’s a timeline that matters here. When she explicitly refused to take her grandfather, was she double dosed, 2 weeks out, the full deal? Unless she is a healthcare worker etc. I feel like that time is JUST starting to come for some younger folks in the very recent past. I could understand someone being terrified of passing something on to grandpa in a car and killing them. If the grandparent in question lived a relatively risk free life otherwise, I can be empathetic to someone who may have wanted to wait until she was full on vaxxed but then in this case got unlucky before that happened.

          The friend might totally be a piece of work. But there also definitely might be more at play.

          1. Friend was vaccinated in the first group in January due to her job (not healthcare). There was no recent exposure concern that kept her from taking him to the appointment. Grandparent lives at home with an adult child who goes to work everyday and thinks Covid is not real. Grandparent isn’t capable of independently making the appointment or transporting themselves. It’s really indefensible.

    5. Why is it your friend’s job to get her grandparent signed up and transported to the vaccine? Also it sounds like friend didn’t transport them because she was concerned about the additional Covid risk of doing that. Friend sounds cautious not selfish. Grandparent doesn’t have a phone? They couldn’t call a cab? If you’re this judgmental about helping the elderly, and you know grandparent well enough to know they’re such a special person and feel devastated by how the family is treating them, why didn’t you offer to drive them?

      1. Grandparent take a cab? Are you kidding? I would take my grandparent and expose myself or them before they take a cab or Uber. That is not a low-risk choice. I drove my elderly grandparents to their appointments rather than send them in a cab – at least I always wear a mask and haven’t had 100 people in my car in the last week.

        The poster said that her friend had vaccinated herself and others in the family before the grandparent and that the friend got out of taking grandparent even after friend was vaccinated. That’s awful in my opinion.

        1. Subtle, but the description was not clear that friend’s own vaccination preceded “not wanting to transport grandparent.”

          I read it as – unvaxxed friend backed out of transporting grandparent. We don’t know why. Was friend warned she may have been exposed and didn’t want to risk giving grandparent Covid just when they were getting their first dose? We don’t know.

          1. Oh FFS. Trying again without the no-no phrase.

            Subtle, but the description was not clear that friend’s own vaccination preceded “not wanting to take grandparent.”

            I read it as – unvaxxed friend backed out of taking grandparent. We don’t know why. Was friend warned she may have been exposed and didn’t want to risk giving grandparent Covid just when they were getting their first dose? We don’t know.

    6. OP here. To clarify, the friend was fully vaccinated when she declined to to the grandparent to the appointment (she was eligible in January because of her job). The grandparent is in early stage dementia and is not capable of making the appointment themselves. They don’t have a computer or cell phone, and wouldn’t be able to navigate or even know where to start. They live at home with a an adult child who does not take the virus seriously. I live out of state, otherwise I absolutely would have taken the grandparent. I’ve known them since I was 8 years old and they are like a second grandparent to me.

      1. I’m so sorry. I would be furious too. Some people are just selfish AF and there are no excuses for their behavior.

      2. This is very sad, but not everyone is capable of handling watching a loved one decline from dementia. I would give your friend a break if she is having a hard time dealing with this. Maybe this is an explanation for her avoidance behavior.

  4. Did you ever just suddenly get fed up with your clothes? This morning was unusually cold, and I wore fleece pants to go get the mail. I realized I absolutely hate fleece. The texture sticks to my dry skin. The static never stops, even when I use so much fabric softener that the fabric feels oily. It’s a nightmare with pet hair: I can either walk around like a trash bush made of fur, or spend hours plucking it out with tweezers. Garbage fabric. I’m donating everything.

        1. +1 sometimes I am surprised at how many people, even with money to spend, are chill with wearing polyester, but that seems common among my American friends. My immigrant mom would make me check the fabric content label before letting my buy anything, and everyone I know from her home country is similarly conscious of fabric. I pretty much live in silk, cotton, and wool, but I’ve come around to some viscose/rayon.

    2. At this point I feel the same way about getting dressed as I do making dinner – again? I have to do this again?

      1. Ha I feel this! I am going to an outdoor wine tasting at a fancy winery next weekend . . . I’ll have to find something to wear.

      3. I feel this way about my dishes. It’s time to grow up and wash yourselves dishes! Why I am still taking care of you after all these years?!

        1. Last week I stood in front of my (full) dishwasher and (full) sink and briefly contemplated burning my house down instead.

          1. I admit to buying a bunch of paper plates when I hit my pandemic wall, because I was just so sick of dishes.

    3. Plz send your fleece pants to me. I am an Aveeno devotee and my skin loves fleece. Denim is too scratchy. Nothing else keeps me warm.

    4. Yes, I had this moment a few weeks ago where I realized that I hate all of my non-work, non-workout clothes.

      (This was definitely exacerbated by somebody ‘helping’ me with laundry and deciding I was being ‘picky’ with my delicates pile and putting a bunch of merino sweaters in the washer and dryer… so now those are all out. I’ve also decided that most of my cardigans look horribly outdated. OH. And I got a breast reduction a few years ago and haven’t bought new shirts since… and then I lost about 10 pounds while increasing my muscle mass… so most of my shirts just plain old ‘fit wrong’.)

      I bought a couple new pieces (top, pants, shorts, jean jacket) and did a big drawer purge and it’s better now.

    5. I hear you about the fleece static/pet hair issue. In case there are a few pieces you want to keep, I have found that throwing a ball of crunched-up aluminum foil into the dryer with these items GREATLY helps the static issue.
      (The ball should be about the size of a baseball. It will shrink down over time in the dryer; when it gets really small you can replace it with a new ball)

    6. I had a linen moment like that where I just realized I refuse to ever feel wrinkly and stiff again. I also will never wear bracelet sleeves after a meeting where I felt like my forearms were being choked. Life is too short to waste on clothes that don’t make you happy.

      1. This. I hate linen. I get that it’s ‘supposed’ to be wrinkly and stiff but omg it feels like wearing paper to me and on top of that it wrinkles if I look at it? Nope, nuh uh, never again.

        1. Linen isn’t supposed to be stiff. It’s supposed to be soft and wrinkly. I’ve got linen pants and shorts from Athleta that are my go-to in the summer.

    7. Hahah, “garbage fabric” made me laugh. Yes, I do too. Often for style reasons in addition to fabric. I love silk, but every time I wear a silk shirt by the end of the day I’m OVER its absurd slipperiness and resulting complete inability to stay in place, and uncanny ability to absorb and showcase my armpit sweat. And then when I’m done with it (or it’s done with me) I have to pay to have it dry cleaned or delicately and lovingly hand wash it? Why am I a servant to this garment?

      1. I love silk, so I wear silk scarves. Get the joy of feeling silk, without the hassle.

      2. This may bother some people but I machine wash my silk in the delicate cycle and then hang dry/ steam. I will admit that the silk is not quite as soft as it was originally but it’s worth it for me so that I’ll actually wear it. If I was bougie and buying full price designer silk tops I probably wouldn’t mind paying for dry cleaning, but I buy Equipment/Rebecca Taylor type of tops in the $40-$80 range on sale.

        1. I wash silk with shampoo and conditioner when i shower, roll in towel to dry partially, hang to dry. The conditioner makes it soft. The hang to dry keeps wrinkles away for the most part.

  5. I need a new air mattress for camping. I had been using a self-inflating one and it was not great. Deeper in the closet, I found an inflatable one that was great at first but it was 10 years old and last weekend I found out that it had a leak somewhere that wrecked two nights’ sleep. Does anyone use women’s air mattresses? Are they really different/better or is that like the “women’s pens” you can find on Amazon? I car camp mostly but backpack maybe 25% of the time (and pack in my backpack for car camping). Any great finds you have and use would be great. It was great to have a closet left over from spouse’s cubmaster days, but it looks like it’s time for new stuff.

    1. If you are a govt employee check out Leo Adventures. Fwiw I would assume women’s stuff may just be marginally smaller.

    2. I’m not sure how tall you are, but if you’re up to 5’5 or so, look at youth sleeping pads. they are often WAY cheaper, and in my experience are the same quality as adult stuff. They’re usually designed for like 10-15 year old boys, in my experience, and work well for my 5’4 self.

      I think female sleeping bags (with more fill in different areas and different temperature ratings) make more sense than mats, but if you’re a curvier woman than me, maybe you’d disagree.

      1. Ha! OP here and I am shaped like a 15YO boy but with hips. Hips that apparently don’t have enough cushion in the side, so I just want a good mattress. It something can survive boys, I probably can’t wreck it.

        1. I just looked and I have a youth therm-a-rest pad that has served me well. It’s “self inflating” but you can top it off. It’s 66″ long (to my 64″ height), but has always worked fine for me. It’s probably ten years old, no issues with holes. It’s a bit clunky for a super long backpacking trip, but have done two nighters and car camping.

    3. I needed a new cold weather sleeping bag and ended up with a Big Agnes System — the sleeping bag has stretchy corners so that the sleeping pad is attached to the sleeping bag. I was always rolling off of the sleeping pad. I really like both the bag & pad! The sleeping bag fits me really well and I would absolutely recommend the “women-specific” bag.

    4. We got new air mattresses at Costco last year and so far they have been great. We don’t camp when it is cold though, so I just make the mattresses like I do our bed at home with a fitted sheet and a couple blankets and it is sooo comfortable!

    5. This is my favorite inflatable sleeping mat: Therm-a-Rest NeoAir Topo Luxe Sleeping Pad. I bought mine at REI in size “Regular Wide” due to my wide hips. It packs down small for backpacking, but I’m sure it would double as a great car-camping pad. You inflate it using a small sac that comes with. Highly recommend.

  6. I’m so bored with my at-home workouts I could cry. Not comfortable going back to the gym and it’s still too cold here for outdoor classes to have started up. I’ve been doing Obe for about a year but I need something different. I live in an apartment with limited space and neighbors beneath me, so looking for something that doesn’t involve buying more equipment and is low impact/quiet. Can you do the strength workouts on Peloton if you don’t have a bike? Anything else I should look into to mix it up?

    1. You can definitely do the Peloton workouts without a bike! I personally like Obe Fitness – the classes are fun and upbeat, and I like the mix of workouts and the ability to sort by equipment/class length (I do a lot of 10 minute workouts in between meetings…).

    4. Second fitness blender! The “Fat Burning HIIT Workout with Warm Up Cardio” has been kicking my butt more than I expected for a 15 minute video.
      There’s also a NYC-based fitness studio called conbody that has an interesting backstory and videos that are a good fit for doing in a small enclosed space – might be worth checking out just for some variety.

    5. The Peloton app without the bike is amazing. I love their dance cardio, barre, yoga. Also, it may be worth investing in a Peloton bike (especially if you live in colder weather). I hesitated for long but I am so glad I did. Everyone I know who got one is so glad they did.

      I also like the BBG app, and Zumba workouts on youtube (if someone knows a better source of Zumba workouts – let me know)

    6. For something similar to Zumba I love EMKFit on YouTube.
      I’ve also recently started doing Barre workouts through Down Dog again and I love them – there is also barre available through the peloton app but I haven’t tried it.

    7. Nike Training Club! It’s free! I’m always amazed it doesn’t come up here more. I think it’s great. (I don’t live in an apartment so you’d have to search for something that meets your needs there, but there is a lot of content).

    8. Sign yourself up for the Peloton app right now! You will get 30 days free anyway, so you literally have nothing to lose. I don’t have the Peloton bike or tread, and I LOVE the app and it was one of the very best things I got out of 2020. The strength workouts are really good. If you’re up for a longer workout, do any of the Rebecca Kennedy 45 min full body strengths classes. I joke with my friends that those workouts are basically my church on weekends. But there are sooo many strength workouts and more added all the time with everything from 5 min to 60 min. There are also a bunch of new Pilates classes (good), some Barre (good), yoga classes (very good – and I’m really picky with yoga), stretching classes (good). There’s cardio too, but I rarely click on that section. :) They also have an outdoor section for walks outside that is audio only. When I signed up I was worried that there would be a lot of promos about trying to get me to buy the bike or tread, and there is absolutely none of that. I don’t know if Obe has real music, but Peloton does and the playlists are really good – and I like that I can look at a playlist beforehand because sometimes I’ll pick a class because I like the playlist. Music is a huge motivator for me.

      1. +1 Peloton App without their bike or tread.
        I do have a very low-tech stationary bike that I use with their cycling classes. You have to guess what the resistance should feel like based on perceived exertion and don’t get the stats associated with the bike, but a workout is a workout. I also really love their yoga classes and guided outdoor run/walk audio. The app is $12.99 a month after the first 30 days free, I have certainly feel like I’ve gotten my moneys worth.

        1. I also have a low-tech stationary bike but I’ve attached a speed sensor and a cadence sensor from Wahoo from amazon ~$70. It can be easily calibrated for your individual bike. Then the speed/cadence readout is displayed on the free Wahoo app on cell phone or iPad. You could add a heart rate monitor too that will sync with the Wahoo app for calorie burn. The Wahoo app records workout sessions for biking or running too.

    10. Sydney Cummings posts new videos on YouTube every day and she’s awesome. She offers a wide variety of workouts – some with weights, some cardio, some low impact, some 20 min up through 60+ min. You can search through her YT page and find something that will work for you.

    11. I’ve been doing LEKfit for a year and I love it. Their digital subscription is $20/month, but you can do a free week to see if you like it. 3/4 of the weekly workout do include cardio, but 1 is weight training only (the “define” classes) and they also do “jetset” workouts that range from 30-60 minutes and don’t require any equipment (the define classes use hand weights/ankle weights, though you can definitely forgo the ankle weights/use whatever weights you do have).

      I will say that the teachers have a unique style, so I think it’s one of those things that you either love or hate, which is when a free trial comes in handy!

    12. If you have an Apple Watch, the dance, weight, and yoga classes on Apple Fitness Plus would be a good option.

    13. I learned about FitOn from this site,candy have been using it for a while. It has a great variety of HIIT, barre, pilates, strength, dance. Not all the workouts are challenging for me, but I am enjoying just having a change of pace.

  7. Frivolous topic. I’ve a big milestone bday coming up later this year and would like to get myself something to commemorate. Ideally something that I could keep forever so probably not clothing or a purse but not set in stone there. Budget is flexible but not unlimited: my mom told me to pick something out in the $1000 range but I could add to that and get something else. Right now my only idea is a Cartier small tank watch in rose gold with a leather strap, which I’ve wanted for a while but haven’t splurged on because I already have a nice watch I like and it seems unnecessary. But my watch is totally different so I can’t rationalize this.
    If I’m not getting that, I would probably not add too much more to what my mom wants to spend on me. What would you get? I’d love some inspiration!

    1. A piece of art for your home? A non-watch piece of jewelry? Some kind of experience – spa, etc.?

    2. I am all about jewelry for occasions like this. Do you like your birthstone? For a similar birthday my dad gave me a birthstone pendant in a modern setting (not mall jewelry).

    3. Echoing the above poster – I go to art and custom jewelry for this. Custom jewelry is more affordable than you think from independent jewelers. Case in point, a jeweler I follow had a ring that I loved which sold before I was ready to splurge. I reached out to ask if they had or could get any similar stones with what my budget was. The jeweler immediately and I mean immediately responded with pictures of two stones and confirmation that they were willing to shave of a few $$ to do it in my budget. I also love interacting with the independent artists (I use independent here to mean not household names) whose work I buy. For me, it makes the art and jewelry even more special!

    4. Get the watch you want if the only thing holding you back is that it’s “unnecessary.” You’re going to end up getting something else you don’t like as much and regretting that you didn’t get the watch.

      2. Buying myself a new watch soon to celebrate a promotion. I have two that I already cycle through but I truly love them and after years and years they still look great. I say, get the watch!

    5. This is an area where I feel strongly you shouldn’t just trawl for something to buy just because you have a budget. You’ve been wanting the watch. Get the watch!

    6. I totally agree that this is the occasion for a watch! But unless you missed a digit in your price range, I don’t think a new Cartier tank is rose gold is in that budget, so it depends how much you’re willing to add.

    8. I just got a Cartier Tank Americaine in rose gold. But it’s $10,000 minimum, not $1,000.

  8. Has anyone tried the “Needle-Less Serum” from DRMTLGY? Wondering if it really works?? TIA!

    1. No, but doubtful – I have never found hope in a jar to materialize into something real. Get Botox.

      1. At this point it’s pretty easy to know which actives (and in which concentrations) actually do the thing, and which are marketing fluff. Tret/Retin-a/Niacinimide/Vitamin-c/Copper peptides do the thing. At a glance, yes, it looks like it has ingredients that CAN work, but I don’t love when they don’t disclose the concentrations they’re using. I don’t love deciem, but I do appreciate that they are very clear about their formulations and concentrations – the NIOD line might be a good fit for you!
        If you’re hoping to totally get rid of (or prevent) etched scars, you want botox/fillers, not serums. If you’re looking for small, incremental changes serums should be fine!

  9. I really like this dress and this is a particularly good color for me. But the one time I bought from Eloquii, the dress ran very large and now I am at a 14/12 so I can’t size down at this store. Anyone have experience with Eloquii? Is the sizing more like W sizing vs straight sizing? I need a straight size but I do really like this dress.

    1. I’m a 14/16, with “normal” proportions, and every time I order from Eloquii, I have to send the clothing back because of the fit. I even tried their rental service and found the same thing. This might sound strange but their clothes have so. much. fabric. The cuts are also strange on me.

    2. Eloquii is a plus size retailer, so their smallest size is going to be a 14. I’d say their items are true to size for plus size women, and that may be too big for you.

      1. I agree. A 14W is cut differently than a 14 misses. I used to wear 16 misses and 14W about equally when I was cusp sized. (I’m over the cusp now)

    3. Thanks, all. I think I will pass on this one. The AT option is probably a good shape for me, so maybe I will check it out, but it doesn’t strike me the way this obe does.

  10. About weight loss, so please ignore if not interested:

    People always say that weight loss is dependent on what you eat, and that you can’t “outrun a bad diet” etc. However I’ve found that I’ve only ever consistently lost weight when I exercise regularly. For example, there was a period of time a few months ago where I sort-of accidentally stopped eating carbs, definitely ate the right number of calories etc – and I didn’t really lose weight. Recently I started exercising more, and really just making sure I hit 400-500 calories on my apple watch, and I have lost weight. The only other time in my life I’ve lost a decent amount of weight was in college, and then my accidental strategy was to exercise regularly (swimming for 45 minutes multiple times a week) and eat lower quantities of whatever junk food I wanted rather than higher quantities of healthier food – not the best strategy.
    I wonder if part of it is because the calorie requirement to lose weight at my height without exercising is like 1400. So maybe normal diet + exercise is still a higher calorie deficit than straight dieting. Has anyone else had the same experience?

    1. I just find that it is easier to have a calorie deficit when exercising. But I do think that both are important, exercise can just be the needed push if are already eating eating pretty healthy. E.g., I already eat ~1350-1500 calories a day depending on the day. If I wanted to lose weight (I don’t – since I am at a weight I am very happy with), I wouldn’t have much to cut food-wise, so I would have to increase my exercise.

      1. This makes sense. I think I just internalized all the talk about like “1 doughnut = X minutes of running” but when I think about it, it’s easier to eat 1400ish (or a bit less) and exercise 200 calories worth than to just cut 200 calories off of a starting point of 1400.

    2. When I was younger, I could lose weight by eating fewer calories, but now in my 50s I need to exercise also. I’m very encouraged, however, because it seems to be working. I hated exercise my whole life, but now I am hitting a spot where I look forward to my workout, which is absolutely amazing to me.

    3. I think a big part of this is genetic. That’s probably right for you!

      For example: I don’t lose weight with high intensity workouts. Like, I trained for a marathon and didn’t lose a pound while eating only 100-200 calories (and yes, I am comfortable that I didn’t overestimate) a day – usually in the form of a pre workout snack. However, if I add lower intensity workouts like walking to my routine, I tend to lose weight.

      My mother is the same way. My sister is the same way. I think genetics plays a much bigger role in body shape and size than the diet industry wants us to believe.

      1. You ate only 100-200 calories a day while training for a marathon? Please tell me that’s a typo.

    4. Cutting calories does not cause weight loss for me. I have to move a lot during the day, exercise, and eat normally.

    5. I think the ‘you can’t out run a bad diet’ advice is mostly for people who are truly obese and doesn’t work for the last 5-10lbs. Even when I’m my heaviest my diet is way healthier than the average person so the only way to get to my prefered size is through exercise. I think diet advice isn’t really targeted at people like me though.

      1. Ah that makes sense. I’m in the same position. It’s different when you’re going from 2000 calories a day to 1800 vs when you’re going to be stuck with 1200 if you try to do the same thing. Also, I get migraines if I don’t eat enough. I really don’t like exercise unless its swimming or naturally part of my day, kind of explains why I’ve never lost the last 5-10 pounds.

      2. This. Maybe you can’t outrun a bad diet, but if you aren’t terribly overweight and your diet isn’t bad to begin with you don’t really have room to cut without affecting your ability to function as a human being. The only feasible way to create a calorie deficit in this situation is to move more.

    6. I mean, I can outrun a bad diet, but the miles needed for me to do it (about 35-40/week) are too time consuming for me to keep up on a permanent basis.

      1. +1 I can outrun any diet… so long as I don’t have to maintain employment or parent my child, ha.

        1. This is how I feel when people compare their bodies to actresses or models or whatever. Yes there are lots of problems with body shaming in those industries, but also, if looking good and exercising was part of my job it would be very different.

          1. This. Learning either Jane or Bustle or another aughts magazine that actresses/models could deduct clothes/makeup/styling/dieticians/exercise/etc. from their taxes as business expenses blew my mind. Like, oh yea, looking like that IS the job and they focus on it accordingly.

          2. This, exactly. It is not my job to lose weight: I have other things to do with my life that don’t involve working out three times a day. There are people whose job it is to lose weight (models), and others whose jobs lend themselves to weight loss (elite athletes, fitness instructors).

    7. The two times I lost a lot of weight both happened because I was taking medication that really suppressed my appetite. I wasn’t exercising much, but I ate a lot less than normal and the weight just disappeared. When I’ve gained weight, it’s usually because I’m less active (in my case, also for medical reasons, though that does affect my diet some as well).

      The thing is, both a healthy diet and exercise are important to maintaining good health, so you should definitely do both. How much you really monitor calories consumed vs. exercising intensely with weight loss as a goal should probably just come down to what works for you, both in terms of weight loss and how it makes you feel physically and mentally.

      1. Jason Fung is a hack who complicates weight loss in order to market and sell ~intermittent fasting~ as some amazing weight loss discovery and not just “not eating breakfast” which plenty of people do naturally already

        1. I don’t like Jason Fung or the book, but as someone with insulin resistance and reactive hypoglycemia, I’m really glad that more of my doctors even have the concept of “letting insulin fall between meals” as a good thing. Fifteen years ago, they were telling me to just eat carbs continually all day, which is certainly one way to keep up one’s blood sugar, but it was a disaster.

      2. This is the second time recently somebody has mentioned this book in a similarly short comment. What does the book say that people should know? Why should somebody go read it?

    9. When I’m exercising regularly I tend to be more in tune with my body and how it feels which tends to result in eating less junk.

      You said ” my accidental strategy was to exercise regularly (swimming for 45 minutes multiple times a week) and eat lower quantities of whatever junk food I wanted rather than higher quantities of healthier food – not the best strategy.” – I’m confused by this statement – eating less junk food and regularly exercising is a perfectly fine strategy. Eating less chips/cake is healthy regardless of if you add spinach.

      1. It was not eating less chips – It was eating just chips for dinner or eating half a fast food burger or something like that instead of actual food. So it was fewer calories, but ALL the calories were from junk food.

    10. Meeeeeee!!

      Consistent exercise changes my metabolism. I am warmer. My body burns fat. I lose inches. Absent exercise, no matter how well I eat (I’m a consistent five a day of veggies, lean protein, don’t go crazy with the carbs person), I gain weight.

    11. I can lose weight easily without exercising, but I definitely cannot exercise my way out of eating trash. I suspect it’s because I’m so short (59 inches) that it’s easy for me to eat over deficit. I have to carefully plan my day’s food, or I won’t hit my protein goals without blowing calories.

    12. I’ve thought about this lately too. Based on recs here, I just started using LoseIt for food tracking. It also integrates Apple Watch and has my target calorie goal for my target weight loss, but also “gives back” calories if I’m more active than what it calculates for me. I sometimes eat into those “bonus” calories and I’m curious to see if I’ll still lose weight. I’ll give it a few weeks and if not, I might start ignoring the bonus calories and see what happens then.

    13. Yes. I can’t lose weight unless I exercise, and it has to be HIIT and/or weights, not just running/elliptical. I also have to be getting at least 7.5-8 hours of sleep a night. The fastest way for me to gain weight it to not be sleeping enough.

      1. This is so interesting. My sleep is constantly awful (like 6 hours more than two nights in a row would be amazing) and I’ve struggled to lose weight even though I’m back to my pre-covid fitness and eating norms.

        1. Definitely try sleeping more. There is research on the impact of lack of sleep on weight/metabolism. I’m a big proponent of getting sufficient sleep being important for a number of things, including weight maintenance/loss.

      3. I lost weight (about 8 lbs) off my 5’3” small-boned frame over by doing HIIT workouts that included weights twice a week and ballet once or twice a week. I didn’t really modify my diet too much, either – maybe I cut a couple hundred calories a week, but not consistently.

        I think whoever said that when you are on the smaller side, exercise might be more crucial because there are only so many calories you can cut, might be on to something.

      4. Yep! When I’m tired I eat more because I need the energy and because I’m tired I have less willpower for boredom snacking. So a good night’s sleep is important. Now only if I could actually get one…

    14. I do find that exercise helps me lose weight, BUT I cannot lose weight through exercise alone, I need to make diet changes as well.

      I ran the numbers lately. To lose a pound a week, you need a deficit of about 500 calories a day. If you can burn 500 in one workout then power to you, but for me, I tend to only burn 200-300 per workout, and that’s if I’m doing cardio. At that rate, if I work out every day, I really don’t make ANY changes to my diet (and assuming I was eating at maintenance up until now, not a surplus), and I don’t inadvertently eat back my workout calories, I could still lose about 2lbs a month, but that’s a lot of if’s. The best way for me to succeed is to both exercise regularly AND intentionally reduce my calorie intake.

      It does help though, when I was exercising after work in the pre-COVID days, I was getting home around 8PM some nights, showering, and making myself a bowl of soup. There wasn’t much time for, say, multiple glasses of wine or for breaking out the brie and crackers an hour after dinner. That probably helped. And all the mornings I was going to barre were mornings I wasn’t going to brunch. I think there were times where working out just naturally meant eating less.

  11. Thanks everyone who weighed in on my dog/husband situation yesterday. I talked to him about it, he agreed that he had been unfair, and we divided it up fairly going forward. Unfortunately, I’m not Dr. Jill, but that gave us both a good laugh to end on, so thank you all.

    2. I didn’t comment yesterday, but glad to hear you could have a good discussion with him! Hope your dog is ok

  12. has anyone had lingering side effects form the vaccine? I got my second shot of pfizer a couple weeks ago and have this overwhelming exhaustion (this started since the first dose) and also after my second I have this intermittent ringing in my ears. Wondering if others had similar issues and if it will go away.

    also want to preface this by saying that in no way is this meant to discourage others from getting the vaccine. I hesitated to post this because i don’t want this to be the outcome. as annoying as these sxs are, my understanding is that they are rare and likely will go away

    1. I might be in the same boat, but it’s hard to tell. I’m not a particularly high energy person anyway and I’m not sure whether I am experiencing more fatigue than my baseline. However, I have noticed some different aches and pains that I think could be due to the vaccine since I also experienced them in the first three days after getting it.

    2. Have you tried an iron supplement? That’s exactly what it feels like for me when I get too low of iron. (Not related to vax but just something I sometimes experience.)

      1. Not the OP but what iron supplement do you recommend? Anything I’ve tried before messed with my stomach but I think it would be helpful for me.

        1. You can get slow release iron, otherwise you really have to take it with a bunch of food.

    3. I’ve had a mild sore throat (worse when I talk a lot) and vertigo that comes and goes since my first dose of moderna. I’ve gotten a covid test 3 times in the intervening weeks (getting my second dose later today). My partner thinks it’s allergies, which I’ve never had before, but the timing would make sense. I’m hoping this is unrelated and goes away on it’s own because it’s pretty damn annoying.

      1. I have also had a mild sore throat and vertigo. I did not associate it with the vaccine but it may be given the timing. (I haven’t gotten a COVID test but keep thinking I should!). I got the J&J vaccine (4+ weeks ago).

    4. I want to correlate my increased skin breakouts with the vaccine, but I should probably cut back on the chocolate to see if it’s that!

    5. I have had a dry cough since getting the first vaccine four weeks ago (second dose last weekend!), but I’ve been chalking it up to pregnancy related nasal drip. No ear ringing, though — that would drive me nuts!

    6. I have heard tinnitus is a possible side effect from the vaccine, though it seems to eventually go away. I have low-level tinnitus already and have for most of my life so I’m very curious to see what my second Pfizer dose will bring…

      I felt pretty off for nearly a week after my first dose. I think what you’re feeling sounds normal and right and hopefully a few weeks of taking things easy will relieve it all.

    7. Actually yes, I did notice tinnitus (ear ringing) for a few weeks, but it didn’t occur to me that it was related to my vaccination (pfizer). It’s gone now, though!

    8. I didn’t think I did but today I woke up just really sore all over. I’m one week out from my first vaccine. May not be related. It’s raining out and my joints don’t like the rain. But this seems worse than my normal aches and pains.

  13. I’m back in the office (private school admin) and need a few short sleeve or 3/4 sleeve blouses or shirts. We’re a business/business casual office and I’d ideally like something that goes under a sweater or jacket but can also stand on its own. I’m an apple so clingy-stomach stuff isn’t my friend, but I also don’t want anything muumuu-shaped. Any workhorse ideas for me? I want something that will last/retain its shape but also non-frumpy.

    1. If linen is your jam, Flax Designs v-neck pullover 3/4 shirt comes in lots of colors and two different weights of linen. I love it.

    2. Macys has a pretty good selection of tops. When I was in the office, I found several patterned tops that I would wear with cardigans.

    3. Look at stitch fix. Seriously, this is where I get all my blouses that are exactly like you describe. My #1 request to my stylist was “arm coverage and doesn’t cling to tummy.”

      1. Check out Talbots popover shirts. I have a couple of 3/4 sleeve cotton ones that are workhorses. I tend to stay away from linen, as I always look like a crumpled mess within a few minutes, but I did see a pretty intense one on their site as well.

    5. I think NYDJ has a lot of 3/4 blouses that would fit the bill. They have a number on Nordstrom Rack’s Clear the Rack sale right now.

  14. Anyone have a a recc for daily face sunscreen? I have always had extremely fair, sensitive skin that would get red, dry patches from most sunscreens, but Clinique worked for that in the past. Now that I am pregnant, it is like my skin is even more sensitive than it already was and my go-to face sunscreen is making my face feel like it is burning. Help!

    1. Ooh I am so happy to recommend Biossance squalane + zinc sheer mineral sunscreen, SPF 30. My skin is like yours and I spend a lot of 2020 (both time and $) trying to find the perfect sunscreen, and this is the one.

      I like the company so much I bought stock in it!

    2. You may want to try a mineral sunscreen (looks like your Clinique sunscreen was probably chemical). I really like the SunBum BabyBum sunscreen – it is unscented and meant for sensitive baby skin, so hopefully would also work for you.

    3. La Roche Posay has a good tinted daily one, but do your own research to make sure it’s okay during pregnancy because I don’t know.

    4. +1 for mineral sunscreen. Lots of them have a slight tint to avoid a white cast – depending on how fair you are, you might want untinted. Elta MD makes a good one (online or at some dermatologists’ med/spas). I currently use one from Paula’s Choice (I think it’s the Resist line – it’s a medium blue tube).

    5. Missha All-Around Safe Block Essence SPF45 PA+++ is my go-to for my sensitive tret skin. I used to swear by Biore UV Aqua Rich, but it’s very high in alcohol and it burned when I started tret.

    6. I just switched to mineral sunscreen and started using Neutrogena Sheer Zinc Face SPF 50 last week and my ultra-sensitive face is not bothered by it. However, it doesn’t wash off easily, so I am still searching for a cleansing method that doesn’t feel like sanding my skin off in order to remove it…

    7. Paula’s choice has a great physical sunscreen that is light and creamy. I have dark skin and it doesn’t leave a white cast, so it should look great on fair skin.

    8. I too have fair, sensitive skin. I use Tizo3 tinted mineral sunscreen. It was recommended by my dermatologist. It comes in tinted and untinted. The tinted leaves no white haze. I’ve been using it for years with no irritation. Yesterday, I tried a free sample pack of a chemical sunscreen and almost had to wash my face it was so bad. I threw away the sample pack and am back to the Tizo for good.

    9. Kari Gran tinted SPF is lovely. It’s oil-based, which may be a turnoff for some, but my skin which is both sensitive and very fair really likes it. It has no weird stuff in it – a great company with a great philosophy too!

    10. I have been experimenting and really like Glossier Invisible Shield and Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen. They both have more of a primer feel than standard sunscreen.

      My other favorite face product recommendation is Iris & Romeo Best Skin Days, which I LOOOVE.

  15. Just want everyone to know that I had a dream there was a big Corporette get together slash sleepover at someone’s house (lol) in New York City. I’m officially here too much.

    1. Did someone show up in Birkenstocks, causing a lengthy debate about whether they are so-comfy-I-don’t-care or too ugly to care?

      2. I’m not sure but we definitely carefully avoided giving or using names… It was pure Anonymous

  16. After yesterday’s discussion I wanted to get the hive’s thoughts on this. I completely agree that no one should be using the N word. It’s a word I myself have never said. But it is used in some books that are part of literature and I think it’s important to educate people about why something is inappropriate. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.khou.com/amp/article/news/local/high-school-teacher-n-word-lesson-houston/285-3150bcfe-ff37-43a1-847b-1d04d9c8d677

    1. There is a way to educate people (my mom explained it to me when I was 3 or 4, when I saw it in print for the first time – in one of the Railway Series books- predecessor to Thomas the Tank Engine). This ain’t it.
      It also takes away from the discussion of the actual literature they were reading. The book is about so much more.

    2. Curious to see how this turns out. I do wonder about the mom they interviewed asking about what system there is in place and whether the lesson plan was approved. It is my understanding that teachers have neither oversight nor support when they develop their lesson plan. When they do something that upsets the parents, they get all the blame.

      1. Right?!

        This is an important book — my gues is that over time no one teaches anything but tepid vanilla books.

        2. It seems like the problem was that the teacher wrote the entire word out on the blackboard, and posted an additional Tupac quote with the entire word written out, not that she wanted the students to write 75 words discussing the changing context of the word over time. Nobody is suggesting that we stop teaching Their Eyes Were Watching God, or even that we can’t discuss Tupac lyrics in the classroom to make the conversation more relevant to kids.

          1. That’s also my understanding, and that seems a reasonable discussion to have. I just think in most schools , asking for resources such as getting a lesson plan reviewed by colleagues, or maybe even by an outside consultant won’t lead anywhere, even if the teacher wanted to. So they are on their own, which is risky.

    3. Haven’t read the article, I have thought about this a lot and I believe it’s important for kids to read books that say the n word when they are learning about history. Just to make up one example, imagine if publishers came out with an edited memoir of a former slave that completely scrubbed the n word and replaced it with “black.” Would that capture the same fear, the same hatred, the same rights violations, the environment of the day, the utter hopeless of changing white minds as the n word itself? Would children reading the book today really understand the power the word held and continues to hold today? We need to learn from history and discuss what it would be like to hear that word every day of your life as a black person in the 19th and 20th centuries. Of course, this does require being selective about which books and materials can best impart that message, but that’s a different conversation.

      1. Really good points. The first time I heard that word used in a historical context was in 12 years a slave. It was really shocking to hear it used so casually. I don’t think anything had made me understand the pain that comes from that word quite like that movie.

        1. I totally agree. I’m glad the movie used the n word for that reason. It would’ve been historically inaccurate (in the worst way) not to. We needed to see just how brutal things were – to not sugarcoat them.

    4. You can read the word in historical context when learning about history/historical literature. You still don’t say it. Reading out loud from the book in class is like singing along to the lyrics. You just don’t say it. Learning history helps people understand why the word is so offensive and powerful.

      1. That’s just stupid. Forbidding anyone to every say the word, except for people who can actually makes the word powerful.

      2. Yeah, I struggle with this. I have no desire to say the n-word. But if one is studying, writing about, lecturing about the historical travesties that have occurred to Black people and that inherently includes the “n-word” I think it is just kind of weird to keep tiptoeing around it and calling it the “n word.”

        I haven’t taken any women’s studies type classes, and I know these aren’t exactly an equivalency, but how have certain slurs against women been handled. Do you discuss with the “c word” is harmful and do you say the word or just call it the “c word.”

        I’ve struggled with this with my legal writing too. Our court has no rules on what to do when quotes contain offensive words. So, if I’m handling an employment matter and my client was a called a “c word” or an “n word” I always struggle with whether to spell it out or spell it mostly out w/ asterisks in the middle. I usually choose the latter. However, where we are trying to show how outrageous the defendant’s behavior was, I think it is more impactful to spell out the whole quote.

  17. I may be getting ahead of myself here but I’d love to hear from people who changed jobs in a way that they couldn’t bring their clients with them and what they did to make sure their client’s interests were protected.

    I have a large caseload and some of those cases are contingency fee cases that I decided to take a chance on. They are some cases others wouldn’t have decided to take. Some are in areas where I’m one of the only attorneys in the area that handles that subspecialty. I may have an opportunity to take a new job but I can’t bring clients (think going in-house or going federal).

    I don’t think my coworkers can absorb them all and some don’t even practice in my practice area. I can try to help them find new attorneys but for the contingent fee ones, I can’t guarantee someone will want the case. I could try to bundle my cases to make it more appealing for a new firm. Like here are 5 good contingent cases and maybe 2 duds but you have to take them all for me to refer them to you…

    Looking back, I realize I have been “abandoned” by many of my beloved doctors, even for rare conditions. I just get a letter in the mail that they are no longer practicing or have moved to a new undisclosed place. They usually do give me a default “replacement” though and then I’m free to find someone new if I like. Keeping that in mind is helping me feel less guilty about possibly changing jobs. I’m still just worried that these clients will find new legal homes. I suspect I’m overthinking but I just want to hear some success stories from this type of situation ….

    1. This is very sweet, because it shows that you care about your clients. Talk to your coworkers to see which cases they want. If someone wants to take over a file, you send a letter to the client detailing the status and identifying new counsel as you are leaving the firm. If there is a case that no one wants, send a letter detailing the status of the case and inform the client that they should obtain new counsel. Then throw yourself into your new job.

      1. Thank you. For cases in litigation, I believe I would still need permission to withdraw. It is automatically granted if you have successor counsel. Not sure if it is automatically granted because you are changing jobs. I would hope so!

    2. You “may have an opportunity to take a new job but I can’t bring clients (think going in-house or going federal)”??? That’s an entertaining way to describe job-hunting.

      1. Eye roll. I have a job offer that I am trying to keep vague and I have further discussions scheduled about compensation before I decide if I take it.

  18. Ladies of New England– any thoughts on if/when the mask mandates will go away? I am pro- mask, my kids wear them to school, and I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids in school. I am curious though as other parts of the country open up and the masks are being required indoor only…yet here in MA at least people are still walking their dog on a big empty road wearing masks. Summer camp (outdoor) just sent notice that masks will be required. We have family in TX and MO and it is literally like COVID does not exist there, compared to MA where kids are playing outdoor sports fully masked.

    Curious from you local ladies as well as anyone in a state that is no longer requiring outdoor masks.

    1. as someone who lives in TX, where masks are not required anywhere – i wish i lived in a place like MA. I was texting yesterday with a friend who lives in GA. we are both originally from the northeast where the state governments are taking covid much more seriously and were saying it is actually hard to explain to friends/family who live in places like MA that while they might be comfortable doing a certain activity in MA, the risk associated with the same activity in TX is not the same. a lot of our friends/family in the northeast think we are being overly cautious…but if i don’t do what i can to protect myself and my family, no one will. i’d love for more activities to require masks bc then maybe i’d feel comfortable actually doing them. for many reasons i wish we had a different president when we started and wish that wearing a mask hadn’t become a political statement. yes, wearing a mask is not the most comfortable thing in the world, but there are many people with various health conditions who wear all sorts of things that aren’t the most comfortable in the world.

      1. Are you in a rural area? I’m in Austin and my sense is that mask adherence and norms are the same as in NYC (having lived in both places for 5+ years). Although I don’t see many people wearing masks outdoors while running or walking biking, I’m not convinced that science indicates that’s necessary anyway.

      2. OP here. I don’t disagree at all! I am just curious what others in the area think about the future and timing of things. We are happy to sit around and do our part until it is no longer needed. MA dropped its mandatory restrictions on relatively recently (end of March) which I had not even realized because nearly everyone I know complies with it anyway- our kids do pool testing in school and anyone leaving the state by and large gets a covid test before returning to school/daycare/etc.

      3. I’m in Dallas. I frequently drive by an elementary school and all the kids outside have on masks.

    2. Wow. I am in GA and I did not even know there was such a thing as outdoor mask mandates. Of course I know people do wear masks outside, as do I depending on the circumstances, but I truly did not know about such mandates.

      1. My kids play soccer and lacrosse in masks outdoors. In our town (close in suburb of Boston) masks are worn by joggers and cyclists, by people hiking in the woods, etc. I am sure that some / most people pull the mask down when nobody is nearby but even on lightly populated streets people keep them on, largely because it’s more of a pain to do the on/off dance.

        I will say I’ve noticed people getting more lax about outdoor masks and I wonder at what point it’s performative vs useful. Indoor masks are another animal entirely but like, the kid with the mask half while riding his bike with friends may as well just take it off from a purely science standpoint.

    3. In our town, the mask mandate will go away when 70% of the total population is vaccinated. But I don’t think it’s ever been required to wear one outdoors when nobody else is around, like walking the dog or something.

    4. This doesn’t really answer your question, but I plan to continue masking in public for the foreseeable future whether there is a local mandate or not. And probably will keep a mask on hand to put on as a habit whenever I am in a situation in the future where I’m around others with sniffles, coughs, etc. It has been an amazing hidden benefit of this past year that no one in my house has had even a minor head cold because the few times we have ventured out, we have been fully masked, socially distanced, and washed our hands thoroughly before touching anything.

      The rural MI vaccine clinic I was at today for my second dose had a disturbingly high number of people refusing to cover their noses. The guy in line ahead of us was clearly looking to argue because he had to wear a mask (he refused to put it on properly). Even as he got his shot he was grumbling out loud to anyone within earshot about how everyone there was an idiot for being so scared of this fake news that they were willing to give up their freedoms and submit to wearing masks and get poison injected into them, clearly it’s just a made up liberal plot to make us all communists, etc. Sounded like his employer made the vaccine a condition of remaining employed, and the grumbly dude chose to “give up his freedom” for 15 minutes because he actually likes getting a paycheck more than he values being indoors without a little square of fabric over his mouth. He also refused to stay in the reaction monitoring area for 15 minutes after, because he “is not a baby” like the rest of us.

      2. One of the volunteers at the site where I was vaccinated (reddish VA county) was wearing a face shield instead of a mask. I was horrified that the health department permitted that.

    5. I’m in a suburb of Boston and I really have no idea. I don’t wear one when walking the dog or 3 YO around the block, which I suppose is breaking the mandate. I’ve also forgotten one when going on a jog. I have always had significant amount of space around me when passing another person in those instances (like crossing the street so we aren’t even remotely near one another).

      My ILs are all in FL/GA/AL. COVID basically doesn’t exist there as far as their daily lives are concerned. I’m not traveling to a family wedding and they think we’re absolutely insane hypochondriacs for skipping (100 ppl, indoors, some vaccinated, most not). At some point I figure natural selection will just do it’s thing.

      1. I live in an exurb outside of 495 and what I mostly see here is when people pass you on the sidewalk, or on a trail, they will move far away and/or put on their mask, sometimes both (DH and I do both). We haven’t gone to any inside places except dr offices so I’m not sure if compliance is less than 100% there.

    6. I live in downtown Boston and I’m aware that in the suburbs and other parts of the country people do not wear masks outside for a walk but here literally every one I see outdoors is wearing one, even for solo walks + runs early or late in the day when no one else is around. My SO and I will take walks after 9 PM very far apart from others and will remove masks when we’re not passing people and still get death stares from others outside. In general I am fine wearing them indoors or in busier outdoor spaces and suspect I will continue doing past the end of the mask mandate whenever it comes, but I really hope the outdoor mask all the time norm is gone by the end of the summer.

      1. That’s fascinating. The UK was super late to masking and it’s rare to see them when people are exercising outdoors etc. Like I wear mine if I’m on the high street running errands (just so I don’t have to take it on and off) but otherwise, I wouldn’t. But things are still largely closed in Scotland so I’m not really going anywhere beyond nursery pick up and groceries.

    7. I think this there is an urban vs rural element to this too. I’m in NYC and have to put a mask on to do my laundry or take out my trash (apartment building), so I always have one outside, as do most of my neighbors (although even here it really does vary by neighborhood). But when I went upstate, few people had them on outside.

    8. I’m not in NE, I’m on the west coast and finally fully vaccinated, although only a week out from my second shot. Yesterday I had to take my cat to the vet and wait outside. As I sat outside I thought, hey I can probably take my mask off since there’s no one around, and let me tell you, it was glorious.

  19. Have you ever given your boss an ultimatum? If so, how did it go?
    I fought for a promotion last year, and didn’t get it and my boss didn’t give any rhyme or reason why, other than it was Covid. I’ve worked harder than I’ve worked in a long time during Covid, and reached a breaking point of misery and unhappiness. That, combined with the lack of communication, has convinced me that I need to resign. My plan was to resign next week or the week following, but my friend & coworker in another team (in another office) told me I should make a last stand and make clear to my boss that I am leaving without a promotion, so that is my current plan.
    I’ve never asked for a promotion or a raise before this, and in general I’m not someone who asks for something ever year. I only ask when I really mean it, and in general I’ve read that ultimatums should only be given if you are ready to stand behind it — which I am.

    1. I didn’t quite give an ultimatum, but I asked to be paid commensurate with my work and was told it would come in a series of 10% raises. At that pace I would have needed 3 years to make market rate for my work as of that moment. I tendered my notice. They tried to “fix it.” They couldn’t. I left and and was quickly paid double what I had been earning.

    2. I’ve had internal ultimatums, but never external ultimatums. In other words, I knew that I would leave if I didn’t get X by a certain date, but didn’t say so. I just advocated for X based on the merits of the situation. If I didn’t get X, then I left. If your shoes, I say start applying to other jobs while advocating for a promotion.

      Not granting promotions during covid makes sense to me, honestly. My husband owns a business and the goals for 2020 were to keep the employees alive and healthy while not going bankruptcy. There was just so much uncertainty about everything. Now, the business is on strong footing and making plans for the future.

    3. It may depend your workplace, however, I’ve known some who went to a b0ss with an ultimatum, was given the “okay, you win, give us a month” so they thought they’d won, only to find out at a meeting that the company replaced them without notice or spent the month planning to work around an absence in that role and they were unemployed.

      I also have known some who went to a company with a competing offer, the company matched or beat to keep the employee so the employee turned down the other offer, only to be let go for various reasons later, often looking like a loyalty or trust issue for having even dared look elsewhere, leaving the person unemployed and having just turned down a great offer and making them feel awful.

      If you asked and were told no but without reason, why would you trust the company to suddenly value you more? I vote you stay in but find a new job asap and go somewhere that will appreciate you… though this is obviously life and career and opportunity specific and I pass no judgement regardless of your choice!

      1. This. I’m the poster above talking about how to transition clients. If this new job does pan out, I will give my boss the courtesy of a discussion before I accept it, as I have been in that job over a decade and it is a small firm. However, I doubt anything he could say would change my mind. I’ve been hearing that certain changes will happen “soon” for years.

      2. This exactly. Companies either have a commitment to promoting from within and nurturing talent, or they hire on talent from other companies and let their own people leave to find greener pastures. If your company isn’t committed to nurturing you and promoting you, you threatening to leave won’t change that.

    4. If you don’t like your job, a promotion is not going to make you suddenly like it.

      Threatening to quit is a really bad way to stay in a job. Everyone I know who has used another job offer or a threat of quitting to get something they want has ended up leaving that job soon afterwards.

    5. I think before you give an ultimatum you need to press your boss for more understanding of why it didn’t happen last time and whether there’s any chance of that changing soon. In your tone, it will be clear that this is important to you without having to issue an ultimatum. Be a strong advocate for yourself and don’t be afraid to sit in an awkward silence while waiting for answers.

      If they favor promotions or raises for people who threaten to leave, though, that’s bad management and you probably don’t want to be there anyway.

    6. I gave an ultimatum at my previous job, but the situation was different. They long joked about having me do a Thing and I always let them know I wasn’t interested, until one day they stopped joking and seriously wanted me to take on a big, intense, years-long new project unrelated to my core job because I had relevant personal experience on the topic. I knew I hated that topic, they knew I hated it, I would not have been able to maintain my core job duties (much less grow in that role) if I did this new project, and I told them I would quit before agreeing to that plan. Because I was a valued employee who was actually quite good at my core job, they backed down and found someone else to handle the project.

      I think your situation, where you want to dictate a change to your employer, is different from mine, where they wanted to dictate a change to me.

    7. I took a similar sand. They didn’t react, so I quit. They then countered wit what I wanted (comp, title, promotion).

      Newsflash: none of that fixed anything. I still quit 12 months later.

    8. What is your goal? I would suggest that you line up another gig and then quit.

      To play devil’s advocate, “COVID” might be a really relevant excuse. A promotion means more money. If your boss’s budget was cut due to COVID then there may not have been any money to give you a promotion. Along those lines, if you got a PINO (promotion in name only) where you got a title bump but no pay increase, would that be ok? How much of a raise do you need before walking? If they throw you 3% is that okay? 10%? 25%? You need to know those answers before asking for a promotion, job shopping, or anything else.

      Finally, as a manager, I would suggest you may want to frame this as a conversation, not an ultimatum. “Boss, I’ve spoken to you before about a promotion [title, raise, etc] before and wanted to see where that stands.” [Boss replies with excuses.] I can appreciate what you are saying. In the interest of transparency, I wanted to let you know that I will be looking for a role that better aligns with my priorities.”

      I had a wonderful woman reporting into me for several years who repeatedly made it clear she wanted a promotion. I repeatedly let her know it wasn’t in the cards– it’s not that she wasn’t great, but there was no role for her in my company at the level she wanted to be promoted into. We talked a lot about career development and I gave her some of the experiences she needed to eventually take the role she was looking for at another company. Sure, it wasn’t ideal to have her go, and we tried a couple of lateral assignments with pay bumps to challenge her, but in the end, moving on was what was best for her.

      1. So I actually got a pay bump this past year, but without the promotion. It’s not about money for me. And a few others got PINOs this year without pay bumps. I would’ve taken that over the $40k they threw at me.
        There’s space at that level for me.
        And my company is crazy and chaotic and horribly mismanaged. It’s basically a few senior guys who control everything and there’s no process for anything. It’s classic old-school command and control, personality-driven management.
        I think one thing that really matters to me is making a stand for myself. There are people at my company who ask for more money or a promotion EVERY YEAR. I have never asked for a raise in my whole 10-year career, nor for a promotion. I only ask for things when I truly feel that I deserve it, and I can’t live without it anymore. That’s how I feel about this. It’s the hill I’m willing to die on, and I want to send a clear message that you can’t brush me off when I ask for things, but in the once in blue moon when I do, I really mean it.

        1. I think it’s pretty clear you need to start asking for more for yourself. You’re the only person who cares if you’re somehow morally in the right by never advocating for yourself and you’re the only person who ends up negatively impacted.

        2. So you got a $40k pay bump but not a title, and what you’d like to do is tell your boss if they don’t re-title you you are walking?

          Have you talked about career progression at your firm? “space at that level” means what? You want to take on a new team? Run projects/ a department? Perhaps they looked at you as an internal candidate for the next level and passed. If that’s the case, you need to be job shopping because you will never get your title/role.

          Alternatively, consider outlining/building your own job at the company at pitch it to your boss. I got a manager –> director title bump that way a ways back.

        3. I got a title change with inadequate pay adjustment. After about a year, I told them I really loved working there but I wanted to explore other options where the pay matched my responsibilities. I found a good job that I would have left for if they didn’t do anything. They offered me more money before I even got an interview at the other job. I took it, stayed, and got promoted again (with more pay). I love my job and have no desire to leave anytime soon.
          All that is to say that I recommend finding something you would leave for and letting them know you’re taking a shot at it. They can fix it in the meantime or you can leave for a better opportunity. But if you don’t like your job, a title change isn’t going to fix it.

  20. Do you talk about money with your friends?

    I am realizing that when money does come up in conversation, it can be oddly revealing. For example, a friend mentioning having debt in a tone that assumed everyone else has it, or another friend talking about backdoor Roths and me realizing that implies she makes more than X amount.

    I talk openly about salary with certain friends, but I think it helps that we all make roughly the same income range. Even then, it can feel weird. But I much prefer the transparency.

    1. I talk investing with one friend but more like — it’s a good time to put money in; or x stock is doing well — not so much about amounts invested as our salaries are now very different post-biglaw as she’s at a small non profit while I went in house at a bank.

      With other friends, no I don’t discuss it but when it comes up yeah it is revealing. Like it is interesting that a friend who is 50+ and did biglaw followed by a 150k+ government job STILL has student debt and also carries other forms of debt and is just now starting to focus on retirement savings. Same thing with me, I’m sure at times friends are surprised that I’m really into investing and the markets even though I don’t say it directly or get into how much I’d put in outside of retirement.

    2. I don’t. My sister and I share what we make because we helped each other prepare for job negotiations, and we (used to ) make about the same amount. We don’t share with our other sister who would just be dramatic about it. It’s kind of a know your audience thing.

      My daughter is in college and she has recently been sharing her college financial situation with friends. It has actually helped her to know that so many of her friends are taking out student loans. We saved enough for in-state tuition, room and board so she chose an in-state public college but at the time felt less well off than her friends whose parents didn’t have the talk with them and basically told them they could go anywhere. Lots of those out of state private college tuitions are financed by small scholarships and large loans.

    3. I make a point of doing it. As a first-generation college (and graduate and law school) student, it is WILD how little about money people from outside the middle class know. It’s not our fault, but I think normalizing talking about it among friends/colleagues is a good step. I think folks from established families learn what IRAs are from their parents, and those of us without parents or without educated parents flounder around and waste years if we don’t help each other out.

      I also think women tend to discuss money (and salaries) less, regardless of class, which I wish weren’t the case.

    4. I talk about money, but not specific numbers. One time, a close friend asked me why I didn’t share numbers and then in the same text convo, said “I think it’s rude that [mutual friend] said she can’t afford the trip with us when they make X amount. I make less than that and I can afford it.” It really helped me make my point – people will judge and make assumptions about your budget if they know the details.

      That being said, I do talk about investing and things like that with these friends, although I am careful to avoid revealing details like the fact that we use a backdoor Roth IRA instead of a regular one. I’m in the position of making more money than my closest friends and I don’t want to make it into a thing.

    5. I generally don’t, mostly because all of my friends make a lot more than I do and assume I make a whole lot more than I do because I work twice as hard as they do. In reality I make a fraction of what they make and any commentary around that has just made me feel like a big failure (which is also sort of true so I internalize it).

    6. Not really. There is a big income span in my friend group, and it’s honestly just uncomfortable. Especially because DH and I are not struggling with money, but I know a few of my friends are.

    7. I think we should normalize talking more about money, as long as it’s done with sensitivity. I’ve spent most of my professional life working for state universities, so my salary and all my colleagues are publicly available, which I appreciate. Like Cornellian says, discussion about budgets and savings are one of the best ways for people to learn about things like retirement savings and more financial literacy would benefit a lot of people.

    9. I talk about spending/saving/investing strategies with other frugal friends because we are likeminded. My husband and I do not talk about salary or income with our friends, because we make dramatically more. We don’t talk about salary or income with people making as much money as we do, because we have different values than most people in our bracket.

    10. With some friends I discuss principles like budgeting strategies, division of financial chores between spouses, etc., but not actual numbers unless someone is complaining about the cost of new tires or something like that. We do get into more specifics re. college costs.

    11. Never, but I’m on the extreme end of private with most things. I don’t talk money, sex, or health with friends.

    12. I like talking about money but I tend not to because what inevitably happens is people realize they’re a lot worse off than they thought they were. I know that’s a them problem and not a me problem, however it still makes me uncomfortable.

    13. Yes, but only with a specific group of friends. My specific group is the one group where we all started working after college in poorly paid positions (assistant teacher in a low income community, administrative assistant, entry-level nonprofit worker, construction field tech, writer for a small local newspaper) and over time have slowly moved up the career and salary ladder. We also talk about credit, buying houses, how to buy cars, basic retirement savings (only 2 of us actually had 401ks from our first jobs) what we’re willing to pay more for good quality (Sam Vimes boots theory) now vs when we were getting paid tiny salaries a year in DC…

      I occasionally tell other friends what my first salary was, but I will admit I do it out of vindictive revenge to get them to check their privilege.

    14. We used to a lot, in our 20s when none of us made any real money. In our mid 30s we don’t talk specific $$ amounts any longer. I think either approach is super important, though. I don’t think money talk should be taboo in general.

      I work in finance so I often get a lot of questions that I can answer. I’ve built simple excel models for them with amortization schedules so they could plug and play different home buying scenarios, for example. Did a lot of “should we refinance?” analysis for my immediate friend group back in the fall – again, mostly building simple plug-and-play excel models as they assessed options. One friend just asked for the math behind deciding if they should payoff their car or not. Again, built a model with fake numbers and then let them plug in specifics.

      I like to keep it non-specific like that, though. I had a somewhat exponential growth in income in the last 5 years and while I’m proud of it, I’m also very self conscious about it. I didn’t chose this career path for the money. It’s the result of a lot of hard work but also happy accidents – I’m woman enough to recognize that. I think they know I make “a lot” of money but I’m confident I make 5x (probably more) some of them. I’m really glad I can help them when they have questions as I generally know the answer or can point them down the right path, but I never want to be judged for how much I make. I also have a super savvy financial planner and happily give tidbits I learn along the way when asked. Maybe they’d never judge me if they knew how much I made. They are my dearest friends, after all and genuinely excellent human beings, but I don’t want to go down that path to have to find out.

    15. No. Money was a very emotionally charged topic in my family of origin, and I’ve heard enough money talk to last me until the end of my life.

      The last few rounds of fights with my mother have been proxy fights about money. A few holidays ago, made a lot of disparaging comments about our lifestyle, because she does not understand the concept of living below one’s means. I almost threw her out. She’s ramping up the pressure on me to have another kid, smashing her head into the sand about the fact that we cannot afford a second kid. (We live in an inexpensive 2 bedroom, and the last life-threatening pregnancy almost cost me my job. Yet she wants me to crap out another baby, be on bed rest for six months, cripple my career, and double our housing expenses by moving to a bigger place. Fork no.)

      My father was very successful and frugal, but created situations in which he has a string of ex-wives, each divorce brought about by money problems: disagreements about how to spend it, how to save it, how to earn it, how to manage it.

      LOL, no, I don’t talk about money, except with a therapist.

    16. Yes, at least to some extent. 3/4 of my friends work for the government and their salaries are public, we talk about what we paid for our houses, home improvements, student loans, etc. I have one friend who is also a gov’t lawyer, but her husband is a BL partner and she is who I talk to when I want to talk about the $3k I dropped on a piece of art or somethink like that. I don’t want to be gauche and insensitive by talking about my frivoluous splurges around my friends who are sad they can’t afford to have another child because of infertility and day care costs. I will say that generally, we are all relatively like minded in that we all have some level of savings, we all save for retirement, and live within our means. Of course, this puts us in a place of privilege to start with so . . .

  21. Does Madewell do whole-site sales? There’s a couple of things I’d like to order for the upcoming season but I don’t want to wait full price if it’ll all be 20% off in a week.

    1. Occasionally. If I recall correctly, the site-wide sales are often exclusive to Madewell Insiders or require a minimum total before the discount applies (e.g., 20% off $100 or more). Honestly, if you can manage the email spam or have a separate email account for online shopping, I don’t think it can hurt to sign up for the Insider promos.

      Fingers crossed! I also have my eye on a full-priced Madewell item, and am hoping for a sale soon.

  22. Elderly dad is just terribly unhappy (age 78ish), takes it out on mom who then in turn vents to me. Is this just how aging is? What do you do — I feel like this has been going on for nearly 2 years? Is it wrong that my inclination is to ignore it (and now he’s complaining that no one supports him and he’s lonely)? Though if we’re keeping score, I don’t talk to him about my feelings either, nor does he ask.

    He’s been to all kinds of drs. and had testing — primary and specialist and all say nothing is going on but it’s anxiety/depression. Yet when they give meds, he doesn’t want to take them. When they say ok then you at least need to go outside, take walks, do yoga, and/or get a hobby — he won’t do that either. He basically sits on the couch reading his phone day in and day out and that has aged him a lot. Honestly all he seems to want to do is talking about his physical/mental feelings and have my mother reassure him EVERY day. He’d like for his kids to listen daily and reassure him as well; I just don’t. He basically listens, is reassured, still doesn’t do anything anyone suggests like going outside, and then either the next day or next week, wants to discuss again. My mother has had it, but now that he’s saying he is so lonely and feels so unsupported (because his family won’t sit there and listen daily), she’s getting on my case about oh you need to talk to dad. I really don’t want to get involved in this cycle, nor do I have the energy because I know it’ll just be a repetitive discussion. Thoughts?

    1. Ugh that sounds like a lot for your poor mom and I understand her need to share it with someone else. It sounds like the best thing for your dad’s whining is to ignore it, since he has all the tools and refuses to use them.

      My suggestion is getting your mom out of the house regularly for a break if you live nearby. You could even say let’s have two hours where we don’t talk about dad.

    2. Sounds like he would really benefit from some therapy. You’re never too old for that! My son the psychotherapist says there’s a huge need for it in the aging population.

      Also, my theory is that aging makes you more of who you always were.

    3. Your poor mom; that sounds exhausting and hard to live with. At this point, you do not need to get involved with making your dad feel better. You know he’s going to keep complaining while not doing anything about his own misery. It’s probably better to encourage your mom to take care of herself, whatever that looks like.

    4. This is how untreated anxiety and depression can be. Depression is really common among older people. But you can’t make him help himself if he is unwilling. I would push him hard to take the meds; they are likely to get him to a place where he can do more (take walks etc) to help himself.

    5. I can only assume I blacked out and wrote this. My parents barely get along in normal times; between recent retirement, quarantine, and my dad’s new knee injury, my mom is talking about dumping him and buying a condo.

  23. Another weight question –

    I find myself snacking way way too much throughout the day. This has always been a weakness of mine, but it’s harder to keep in check at home. It’s almost like an oral fixation — when I was younger I would chew gum, but I’ve had so many dental issues in the last few years I’m trying to avoid that. I mix healthy and non-healthy snacks, but the problem is just quantity. I feel like my hunger sense must be broken as I always feel hungry, even if I’ve just eaten. I exercise 4-5 times a week. Recent physical showed everything normal including thyroid. Not keeping food in the house is not an option with kids/DH.

    Even if I track my calories and go way over, that doesn’t seem to be enough incentive to change my behavior, which I desperately want to do but can’t seem to do it alone. So, given that, any suggestions? Is this time for therapy? Hypnosis? Acupuncture? Other? I’m pretty much willing to try anything.

    1. what if you just chew on/eat cucumbers and celery? and every time you are hungry you drink a glass of water before eating?

      1. I do this or plain popcorn. Sometimes I just need to crunch on things (used to bite my nails, pens, etc). Each week I buy a bunch of celery, cut it up into pieces, and put in a Tupperware. If I need to snack, I eat a few pieces. If that doesn’t solve it I have a real snack.

    2. Painful as it is, keep anything you would like to snack on out of the house.
      Agree with the drink water everytime you want to snack, you could also try herbal teas
      For snacks, make it just sliced cucumbers/bell peppers/celery. Even with some dip or seasoning its not that bad. Or blueberries or grapes. I’m also like this – I think its an oral fixation thing. The flavored tea and seltzer help, but not completely.

      1. I find it’s easier to exercise self control at the grocery store than at home. I buy absolutely zero “snack food.” We have meal food. And if I’m actually hungry between meals, then I’ll eat another meal. If I’m hungry at 3:00 p.m., I will eat another bowl of soup or a salad. But I never want to snacky eat or bordom eat a bowl of soup or salad. If I had them, I would want to eat all the snack foods all the time. So I don’t buy them. This also was my mom and dad’s attitude when I was a kid and we had the same solution then.

    3. I’ve posted this before, but my favorite snack is sugar snap peas. Very low cal, healthy, and filling. And crunchy!

    4. How are your macros? For me, endless hunger means I need to cut carbs and increase protein. I generally avoid added sugars, but if I get lazy and let them sneak up on me, I can tell because I will start pounding food like I’m preparing for hibernation.

      1. This, 100%. You are burning sugar if you are always hungry and need more fat, fiber, and protein.

    5. More protein and fat to stop hunger, plus an appealing zero-calorie drink on your desk at all times to cover the fidgeting aspect. I like Pellegrino with lime. Infused still waters are nice too.

  24. Style philosophy question: Do you find yourself turning toward or away from bright colors as you get older (40+)? I’ve been turning away and I can’t figure out why. The pink version of the dress above in this post would have been exactly my color about 15-20 years ago – in fact, I had a few dresses in that color – but now I cringe at the idea of wearing bright all over. I still wear bright separates, but tempered with neutrals. I’m letting my hair go grey (was originally a cool dark brown) so it’s possible my coloring is changing and bright colors are too much of a contrast now. Or is this some kind of middle-aged style disappearing act?

    I may be overthinking this.

    Anyway, this post reminded me that I’d noticed this in myself. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced it.

    1. Yes, I’m mid 50s and I feel that bright colors just wear me. I’m kind of a neutrals person now. To the extent I wear colors, they tend to be muted. I would describe myself as a soft summer leaning cool summer. I my youth I was more of a winter or a clear summer. We just lose our personal sharp contrast of color as we get older, I think. My hair hasn’t gone gray but it has gotten lighter. I used to be sort of raven haired and now I’m more chestnut.

      1. Me too. My skin tone and hair are not nearly as vibrant as they used to be, and I feel like bright colors just take over and I disappear. Then, I sit there in my neutral palette clothing and worry that I look like I am trying out for a role as a member of Abnegation in a “Divergent” movie.

    2. I think it might be a change from clear coloring to soft coloring (with the grey hair) that is putting you off bright colors.

    3. To me, bright colors are associated with a TJ Maxx/Stein Mart style aesthetic. I am in my mid-40s and still have high-contrast winter coloring, but most brightly colored clothes just make me feel frumpy even if the color does not wash me out. I still wear deep saturated colors like eggplant and forest green, but avoid prints and jewel tones like magenta and cobalt.

      1. Thank you for putting that into words for me. I also feel that super bright colors are cheap looking. I like dark colors but not bright colors.

        1. Bright colours are really hard to get right. They look cheap or they age you (bringing to mind 70+ women who wear them).

    4. I’m almost 40 (spouse has court and kids have things on my birthday…I get a day of solitude!!) and I just noticed this morning that wearing bright colors just feels like more work than it used to. I’d rather wear more neutrals because it’s just easier to get dressed and look fine. I shoot for one non-neutral color per outfit.

    5. I’ve finally getting the nerve to wear color after 40+ years of blending in. It’s part of no longer giving a damn, I guess.

      1. Me too! For the past .. 20+ years (basically as long as I have bought my own clothes) my wardrobe has been mostly black and very neutrals (grey, beige, white). Last year I bought a cobalt blue linen suit, and this year I got both a chartreuse and a turquise linen shirt-pant set. All very saturated and flowy. Not cheap looking at all (I think at least;-)
        Getting older -> more colours for me. I guess I 1) don’t care if it is flattering and 2) don’t care what others think as much 3) don’t mind being visually loud (to match my otherwise “big personality”)

    6. I find I need more color to look alive as I age, but I definitely know now which colors work for me (jewel-toned green, blue, or purple) and which don’t (literally any other color). Younger me wore any color I liked, with no regard for what it did to my complexion.

      I also learned that there are warm- and cool-toned blacks, which younger me didn’t realize. That one muddy-yellowish black suit I wore in my twenties made me look like a corpse, but at the time I couldn’t figure out why.

      I continue to dye my hair, and don’t see myself stopping for a very long time. I am so translucent (with invisible lips!) that graying hair makes it look like I’m fading into black-and-white, Pleasantville style.

    7. “I’m letting my hair go grey (was originally a cool dark brown) so it’s possible my coloring is changing and bright colors are too much of a contrast now.”

      Yes, this will absolutely have an effect on which colors look good on you. It’s common to get softer and less contrasted with age, and then what looks good on you will change. Some keep dramatic contrasts, but some get more muted.

      To wear bright colors successfully, it’s useful to have some contrast and color of your own. Like bright eye color (whichever color, just bright), contrasting lip color, contrasting hair color (with your skin), defined eye brows, etc.

  25. For those who have watched the Sharp Objects series on HBO – in how much detail do they show the pig farm? Do they show the cruelty? I just finished reading the book and had planned on watching the HBO series upon finishing, but I was triggered by how gruesome the hog farm descriptions were (and that was a detail I wasn’t expecting). I’m not sure I should watch the series now.

    1. Hardly any detail at all. Like I forgot it was even in the show until you mentioned it.

    2. I can’t make any promises because I watched it a long time ago, but the hog farm is far less important in the show than in the book.

    3. I never read the book, but really liked the series.

      Hog farm… what?

      I don’t even remember it in the series at all. Certainly not gruesome.

      Of all the cruel/gruesome things in that series, I guarantee you it had nothing to do with pigs.

  26. Still working from home, and I am in a lunch rut. Sandwiches don’t do it for me. I do try to make soups on the weekends to reheat, but when that fails, I’m not left with much unless I have leftovers on hand. I’m looking for maybe some premade stuff that isn’t terrible for me. I Just Cannot with cooking lunch; I’m already doing all the meal prep for evening meals.

    1. Are you near a Trader Joe’s? I keep their frozen food or Indian food packets on hand for an easy, relatively healthy hot lunch.

      I also make a seafood salad with canned salmon or tuna, plus store bought herb dressing. I eat it with crackers.

      1. Me too. One of the WFH bonuses is that I can eat smelly fish with abandon. Ate anchovies on crumpets the other day, which is very weird but was delicious.

      2. The vegetarian cheese burrito from TJs is also in my lunch rotation, ideally paired with a vegetable. I also rely on veggie heavy pasta and potato salads which I find easy to prepare and they last for several lunches.

        1. The Trader Joe’s tamales are my quick go-to lunch. The chicken&cheese is good but I favor the chili&cheese one more.

          Canned tuna with vinaigrette is good too. Canned salmon with a bit of mayo, curry powder, sprinkle of lemon juice and cayenne pepper, chopped bell peppers, cucumbers and onions (WFH perk) is another.

          Trader Joe’s salsa refried beans and cheddar cheese melted on a corn tortilla that is crisped in the toaster oven first.

          Roasted veggies are a staple for me. Roast for dinner with a chili/paprika blend or an Italian herb blend, then mix with chickpeas and jarred pasta sauce, a little parm on top and microwaved.

    2. Premade salads, which could also be veggie heavy pasta, bean or grain salads, not just leafy greens? You could buy them or prep a big batch on the weekends without too much effort. This might be too similar to sandwiches, but I do a lot of toaster oven “quesadillas” except I’m vegan so I skip the cheese and just do refried beans, salsa, guac, veggies, etc. on whole wheat tortillas (beans and veggies heated in the microwave, so it only takes a few minutes to assemble).

    3. My go-tos are:
      Amy’s and Wolfgang Puck canned soups
      Healthy Choice Steamer and Power Bowl frozen meals with a side of frozen vegetables
      Bagged salads with protein and/or cheese thrown in
      Premade bagged legume meals from the “international” section with rice from the same section or extra frozen vegetables
      All of these fit in my healthful diet, are ready in minutes, and require at most heating on stovetop or microwave

    4. I like to do homemade vegetarian burritos with black beans, cheese, salsa, avocado, and pickled jalapenos. Very quick and easy and healthy (with no meal prep). I hate meal prep and this works much better for me. I also like doing big smoothies (yay WFH for enabling those!).

    5. I make enough dinner that I have leftovers for lunch. I am all about cook once, eat twice.

      1. +1

        Sheet pan meals are great for this, especially roasted vegetables and chicken. Can easily be made into different lunch bowls by putting over steamed rice, quinoa, your favorite grain, or mixed greens and drizzled with a different vinaigrette.

        Another idea is pita and hummus, which is really as low maintenance as you can get for lunch.

    6. Lean Cuisine is what I keep on hand for days when I don’t have enough leftovers for lunch.

    7. Do you like eggs? I personally never tire of them, and a scrambled egg on toast or a bagel, or an egg burrito in a flour tortilla, or a fried egg with toast and sausage, or a nice omelette with a bit of cheese and whatever fresh herbs I have – these are things I never tire of.

    8. Not exactly what you asked, but a year into mostly wfh and I still don’t have lunch figured out. I was always a buy lunch near the office type, and I haven’t worked out a good strategy for home lunches. There was one week, though, where I made a big pot of chili, and had made frito pies from the leftovers for 3 days. I felt like a lunch genius!

  27. Hey all! Can you help me shop? What’s a good birthday gift for myself under $650? I love David Yurman but nothing is jumping out at me.

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