This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Every time I see Derek Lam clothing in person I'm so impressed with the tiny details and the general level of craftsmanship. Here, for example, the black satin trim that accentuates the darts and princess seams along the back and arms really elevates this blazer. It's pictured here with the sleeves rolled up, but I like that in reality the sleeves are full length and have four functional buttons at the sleeves. The blazer is $450 at Barney's. Bowery Cotton-Blend One-Button Blazer
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
...
Been trying for ages to find a blazer that pulls the tshirt/jeans look together… I’m finding that my being short and hourglass (5’3, literal exact hourglass, as far as sizing tshirts are medium, jeans are 12) means I may either have to give up this mission or buy something super expensive and tailor it. I love the look but everything either looks like I borrowed a suit jacket and randomly threw it over my clothes or it fits like I’m a kid in daddy’s suit jacket. Any guidance? My budget is small but if it’d be the perfect thing and I’d wear it tons (so it’d have to be classic but not flashy/memorable), I’ll start saving up for the right thing!
Houda
Not exactly what you are looking for but I would use a floppy belt and nonchalantly tie it to cinch the waist (don’t use the buckles, rather tie it). It does wonders to otherwise shapeless blazers.
Anon
I’m going to dissent on this and say that throwing a belt around a blazer will look super weird.
Vicky Austin
+1, I would need a visual to be convinced. Do you have an example of this on Instagram or somewhere, Houda?
Pompom
I just googled belt over blazer 2018 and I think most of them look fine! It’s not a look that would work on my shape (bo obs galore), but I think it can work.
Anonymous
I’ve seen it look very nice but I think you have to have a long torso and/or be quite tall for this to work.
Houda
Something like this but with a losely tied belt.
This is the silhouette I use most of the time if I am to wear a normal size blazer (I usually do cropped jackets). Little disclaimer is that I am not at all current when it comes to fashion. I just dress for my body shape and skin color
http://fashiongum.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Parisian-Chic-Street-Style-Dress-Like-A-French-Woman-7.jpg
Anon
Nooo, I thought we got rid of pointless extra belting in 2010.
R
similar body shape/height and use this kind of look for by casual business office look. I go for structured blazers that have a slit or pleating in the back. Knit blazers end up looking like cardigans. I’ve had good luck with lands end and halogen and can get away with machine washing + line drying. good luck!
Anon
I really like collarless blazers, they lessen the “dad’s suit jacket” effect.
RR
Agreed. I love the J. Crew Going Out Blazer for this.
Anon
Try a short jacket with just a bit of peplum.
anon
Are you shopping in the petite section? I’m 5’3 and have to wear petite blazers. Ann Taylor and Talbots petite blazers are both good for my hourglass shape (10 inch difference between waist and hips, large bust).
Anon
I think it depends on the fabric too. I once got a great thin-ish knit black blazer at WHBM that has sort of a sheen to it as well as some subtle piping detail. Very feminine and in no way dad’s jacket or borrowed from a suit.
anon
I will disagree with a previous comment above and suggest trying a ponte blazer. There should be lots of options in your price point and I find them more forgiving to my broad shoulders/large bust.
Lobbyist
Try Veronica Beard Scuba blazer. At $600 its not cheap but the fit is really nice, the look is professional yet not too stuffy, and it wears well.
Anon
+1. I have this jacket in navy and it’s my favorite jacket. Worth the money.
Anonymous
I see two different things. First, feeling like a kid in daddy’s clothes — are you buying blazers with the right proportions for your frame? Petite sizes, perhaps? Second, I find it really hard to wear suiting fabric with jeans and a t-shirt. I think it can be pulled off, but there’s some effort that goes into finding the right jeans/shoes/t-shirt/blazer combo in order to look “effortless.”
Jane
How long do you guys keep paper documentation for? I obsessively keep everything and it’s driving my husband crazy. I have documents going back 15 years. That’s excessive, right? I’m determined to simplify my life and I would like to get rid of a lot of these files. Are there some types of documentation that you are supposed to keep indefinitely?
...
https://bettermoneyhabits.bankofamerica.com/en/privacy-security/how-long-to-keep-documents-before-shredding
https://www.consumerreports.org/taxes/how-long-to-keep-tax-documents/
https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/what-records-keep-how-long-1267.php
I g00gle things before discarding just to make sure I’m not remembering the rules incorrectly… or if I worry about it, I photo it and then throw out the thing that advice says I don’t need… that way, I declutter and have records of the document forever!
Anon
Scan everything.
Anon
+1
Veronica Mars
I’d say taxes and tax documents, since the IRS can do extensive auditing. I’d also keep any titles for vehicles, pieces of property, etc. And any appraisals for jewelry. But I’d start on sorting through everything and either scanning everything in (that’s important) to be saved digitally or even just taking pictures of the documents.
Mpls
IRS has the authority to audit the last 3 years filed (unless you’re being investigated for fraud). So, you don’t have to keep the really old records unless you’ve been doing some edge-y stuff.
Diana Barry
Save basis information indefinitely, unless you have it online. If you don’t have basis info the cap gains will be much more if/when the security is sold.
Houda
Rent contract: up to 1 year after I have left the place
Utilities, insurance contract: the duration of the contract + 1 year
Bills: discarded as soon as I pay them, though most of my bills are paid online and I go paperless when given the option
Leaflets, restaurant menus, theater programs: Whatever I can find online, I will toss
My notes from seminars and the handouts: I review once per year in summer. If I have otherwise absorbed the learning, I toss
Passports, old ID, etc: I never toss them
Store receipts, coupons: I keep them until the deadline for redeeming or exchange/refund is passed then toss them
Letters and cards: I receive very few handwritten things so I cherish them
Anon
I keep letters and cards and plan to forever. But only ones with actual personal messages. I don’t keep the generic Christmas card with no message from my grad school classmate who I haven’t even seen in person in 3 years.
MagicUnicorn
I keep health records and tax documents forever. General monthly statements, I keep the latest month only and shred that one when the new one comes. I used to save receipts, but now only do so for major purchases in case of future warranty work.
Anonymous
Like a month if that. If it’s important I scan it. Nothing is important.
Annonnnn
+1
Anon
Just scan your documents (and back them up on an external hard drive) and save physicals for only the most important (home mortgage, tax documents, things that require proof of validity with original signature). Seriously it is so much easier to maintain a document file than paper ones.
Enough Money To Feel Secure
What amount do you need to have in the bank to feel financially secure? Also, please share why that’s your number!
...
Single, no kids, no family… I don’t know that there is enough money to make me feel secure… which makes it tough to spend a dime on anything unnecessary and it makes it tough to take any time off work since I don’t get PTO (I’m a freelancer).
Cat
This is SO very relative based on your fixed expenses vs. income, whether you’re a 2 or 1 income household, family size/age of children, etc… for us, considering we (1) have no kids, (2) intentionally kept our fixed expenses low enough to manageable on one person’s salary if they had to, and (3) have paid off our student loans, if I had to pinpoint a number it’s probably when we had about a year’s worth of collective gross salary saved.
Anon 2.0
Midwest lcol city, total household income of $200k, two kids, no debt other than around $200k left on mortgage. We have $50k sitting in a money market making two percent interest that we don’t touch. I’m comfortable with that amount because I calculated that we could survive for a year on that amount if both my husband and I unexpectedly lost our jobs (highly unlikely, but worst case scenario). We have good health insurance, life insurance, and max out 401ks and Roth IRAs for both of us.
Suburban
4 million is my number for quitting our jobs. 4 percent of that, each year, amounts to a modest middle class household income for our area. I think I got that analysis from mister money mustache, but it’s somewhat arbitrary, yet really firm in my head. In reality, the healthcare system in America makes it impractical for us to feel comfortable quitting our jobs before we’re Medicare eligible even with millions in the bank.
Anon
A couple million in the bank. We live in an extremely HCOL area, may need to assist up to six people in old age (some of whom are not eligible for Medicaid/other benefits), and we are conservative by nature so are unlikely to feel secure with amounts others deem reasonable.
Anon
My situation is different. I am from a different country where cost of living is low and want to go back to that country in 6 or 7 years from now. Me and my husband have no children currently but actively trying and will have a maximum of 2 children.
We have enough money to buy a house for us to live in and two or three rental properties in my country where I will spend most of my life. That is enough to take care of my family. We also have a small farm from which we can earn decent money. We have some money invested here in stock market(low cost index funds). We are okay with simple life, more minimalistic lifestyle.
So, I feel I am closer to financial independence, I feel secure.
Anonymous
$20,000. Comfortably covers 6 months expenses which is enough time to find a new job.
Anonymous
I’m single, live alone, no kids, MCOL. I keep $15-20k in my savings account. It makes almost no interest but it’s cash on hand just in case. I auto-contribute something like $400/mo to it, so I also use this account as my spare “fun money” account for travel, nice dinners, etc. I occasionally divert that money to my brokerage account. I keep one small brokerage account in a money market – right now I have something like $5k in there. I max out my 401k and will pay off my student loans this year. I’m starting to think about where my money will go once I have an extra $3k/mo to play with….
Anonymous
We had a long talk about lottery winnings once while pushing 2 kids in a stroller.
My early-40s walkaway # is something like 10M after-tax lottery winnings (so wining 20M). If I won less, I’d feel like I shouldn’t give up my well-paying day job since we have young kids, college may be in their future, and women in my family tend to outlive their $ (like you live to 95, but your mind doesn’t, so you eventually need costly care). That last thing for me is huge.
And since I’m unlikely to come into that much $ other than through the lottery, to work I go :)
anon
$10M? Seems a little aggressive. Have you heard of the 4% rule? If not, you should google it. 4% of $10M is $400k/year.
Anon for Money Issues
Depends on what secure means. For my short term, I have $10k in my checking account and that makes me feel secure. Any unexpected issues that come up can be handled with that with plenty left over. I want to have an emergency fund of 1/2 my annual salary (so about 9 months of expenses) because I’m a single parent. In a two income household, I might be comfortable with a bit less.
Anon
Wow, am I ever broke compared to you people.
busybee
Haha right? Husband and I keep $3k in a high yield savings account that we never touch. We got married earlier this month so we’re in the process of combining accounts and retooling our finances. Goal for this year is to increase that to 10k. We keep about 10k in checking; that’s where our paychecks go and our expenses come out of. I have 60k pre-marital assets in Vanguard that just sit, and he has about 10k in his own account that will similarly just sit. We now have a joint Vanguard account to which we contribute 1k a month. That’s our long-term “savings” account even though it’s currently losing money. I’m ok with that as we just bought our house and won’t move for another 7 years or so, so no big expenses coming up. I have a Roth IRA and 401k. About 35k in Roth, about 3k in 401k (new employer; old employer didn’t offer a 401k). He has about 40k in his deferred compensation retirement account, plus has a defined benefit pension. Our health insurance is free and although we don’t have children yet, childcare will also be free. No student loans or debt other than a 260k mortgage. HHI about 175k. Mortgage plus taxes plus homeowners insurance is 1700 a month. Ages 29 and 33, will be TTC this spring. We aren’t rich and never will be, but our income and lack of expenses mean we live comfortably. My goals for this year are to increase my 401k contributions and increase our Vanguard contributions to at least $1300 a month.
Anononope
So together you have, in accessible savings of some sort, $3k + 60k + 10k + whatever’s in your new Vanguard? I get that you can be worried no matter how much you save, but you’re doing fine.
Monday
You’re not alone! Remember that this community skews higher-income, and also that threads like this skew toward people who feel good about their answers.
Anon
Same. I have $2k while aggressively trying to pay off dumb credit card debt.
Anon
I’m in the same boat. Lots of debt and not much savings.
Anon
+1 Taxes plus $12k in cash (I’m self-employed and need the cushion) but $150k in debt. Ugh.
Anonymous
I’m turning 35 this year and I feel like I’m just now catching up to my peers. Student loans are a killer. Being single/living alone is a killer. I feel like all these people who paid off their loans in 5 years or whatever either had a spouse whose income they could live off of or got huge bonuses that they could throw at their loans. When you don’t have either, it’s just a slog. I guess the good thing is that I’m used to living without the $2500/mo I’ve been throwing at my loans, so once those are gone (this year!!!), I’ll hopefully be able to catch up my savings/investments pretty quickly.
C
Same. I’m trying to get my savings to $5k so that I’ll have something that resembles a decent emergency fund. No other investments or money anywhere- just that savings account.
Pennies
Me, too! I’ve only got $1000 in an emergency fund, but I’m working on more savings and aggressively paying down credit card debt.
Inspired By Hermione
I started saving recently and was fairly proud of myself for saving $1500 since end of October (nonprofit work here!). Looking at this I’m not quite as proud…
Anon
You should be proud! There will always be someone who makes more, saves more, etc. Don’t let comparison be the thief of joy.
anonanon
Currently have 2 years’ combined salary in the bank. I thought we’d stop at 1 (scarred after a very long layoff/unemployment period during the recession) but turned out I needed more than that to feel secure in the short term, now that we have kids, a bigger house, etc.
For early retirement, it would have to be several million to offset health care risks. (I don’t expect early retirement to happen.)
Anon
I hope that by “in the bank” you don’t mean cash or cash-equivalents. There are lots of safe investments that could be growing that wealth.
anon
I know I should know this by now (or years ago) but where do you all store your safety net cash, where it is growing wealth, but also accessible the very moment you might need it?
Anonymous
Money market? Also consider how much money you really need available at a moment’s notice. Even if you’re going to be unemployed for 2 years you don’t need to pay 2 years of expenses up front. Maybe you have 2 months salary in a savings account (basically cash), 4 months in a money market, 6 months in a CD, and a year in a brokerage account with bonds/other safe mix of assets. With a little advance planning you can keep your stream of income coming down the pipeline.
anon
Safety net/emergency cash (so like three to six months of expenses): cash or cash equivalents–I use Ally because they pay decent interest and I can get it into my main account in a day.
More than three to six months expenses: do some investing research and/or talk to a financial advisor. Every financial advisor I’ve ever used (only for my retirement savings) starts with a risk tolerance questionnaire, and wants to know what I plan to use it for so they know how quickly would need to get to it. Large CDs are also an option, and you can set them up to cycle so that you have access to some amount of it every month. Also, look closely at the penalty for redeeming early: I’ve had to do that once and only lost the growth, none of the principal. So the penalty wasn’t really worth fretting about.
anonanon
Almost all of it is in high-yield savings accounts, yes. Investment portfolio is separate and larger.
Please do not tell me that it is idiotic to have that much in cash — we lost an enormous part of our investments in 2008 in the same quarter as when my hours were cut by 30% and my husband was laid off, and we were at risk of foreclosure because every safety net disappeared at once. It was incredibly stressful and something I never want to repeat.
I learned that this is what I need to feel comfortable and sleep well at night. I don’t care that I’m giving up theoretical gains.
Anon
I am Anon at 11:08. I did not use the word idiotic. For sure, do what you need to do to sleep well–everyone has their triggers and it sounds like a cash safety net is yours (not judging, just pointing it out). Have you checked the returns on CDs? For large sums they may be out-earning your savings account, and you can set them up to come up for redemption on a schedule.
Anon
Right there with you, sister
Duckles
Same. I was an Econ major so I get compound interest, loss aversion, etc. but I also feel like coming out of biglaw /this is all the money I’ll ever have and I have to protect it for when I want to buy a house/start a business/burn it all down and start a new life on the road/
Duckles
Also, CD rates now up to 5 year CDs are comparable (2.5%) to high interest savings rates. I haven’t found anything between that and investing in the market but if anyone has, I’m all ears.
anon
Has anyone done recent comparison shopping lately on high interest savings accounts? I don’t know why, but of all the things on my personal to-do list, this is the one I want to tackle the very least… to the benefit of my current bank.
anon
Are we talking emergency fund or retirement?
Emergency fund would be $35-50k. (35 = secure, 50 = could pay all our basic expenses for a year)
Retirement would ideally be around $3 million.
Early retirement would be $5-6 million.
LCOL, married, 1 kid, no health issues, HHI of ~$200k
Diana Barry
$5M, then I would stop worrying about paying for college and retirement at the same time! (3 kids, HCOL)
Anonny
With the caveat that I am in Canada so medical costs are almost a non-issue in my calculus. I would happily retire right now (at 28 years old) with 2 million in my MCOL city. Just the me and my husband, no kids with no intention of children. We keep about 10k in emergency savings which is 6 months of expenses.
BB
Pardon the super-newbie-to-Canada question, but are medical costs really a non-issue? Like would you have to pay if you wanted higher quality or faster access to healthcare? I haven’t any research on this yet, but am thinking of moving/retiring to Canada in the far off future.
Anonymous Canadian
Canadian here. There is no private healthcare where I live. It is not allowed at all. There is no paying more for faster/better. A court case is going on in another province right now over it. A doctor is going to court because he isn’t allowed to have a private clinic. If you don’t have insurance there are things like dental care and the eye doctor that you have to pay for but otherwise there is one healthcare system and no one can pay to jump the line or go somewhere else. My cousin was hit by a car. She is okay now and back to work and life. She was in the hospital for 3 months. The only bill she had to pay was for a TV in her room. My niece was born 13 weeks early, was in the NICU and her parents didn’t have to pay anything.
(Caveat: I don’t know if it is the same in all provinces so I will just put a disclaimer about that here. I don’t think any provinces allow private care but I am not 100% sure)
BB
That sounds pretty amazing! :)
Anonymous
You can’t access care anywhere else in Canada. Only in the system. It goes based on medical need and not who can pay to get to the front of the line.
An example: Both of my cousins had a heart issue. One cousin was sent for surgery two days after he saw his cardiologist because his life was in imminent danger. The other cousin had the same issue but hers was not as far a long and she was not at risk yet. She had surgery too but she had to wait a couple of months. She couldn’t pay to get to the front of the queue in Canada even if she wanted too. She wasn’t in immediate danger so she had to wait. Neither of them had to pay anything though.
Anonymous
*Quebec being the exception. As far as I know they allow private care.
Equestrian Attorney
All serious health conditions are covered by the public healthcare system in Canada, which is free (well, paid for by taxes). It doesn’t extend to dental, vision, chiropractors, etc which is usual covered by supplemental health insurance, generally offered through your employer (there are some programs for people who don’t have an employer but they are usually not great).
Healthcare in Canada is generally high quality. There are a lot of tales about long waits and the occasional experimental treatment offered only in the US, but generally I am very pleased with the care I have received. Two caveats to this:
1) Mental health: in theory, there are mental health services in the public system. In practice, we were told unless you are suicidal, you will not be covered. I’m very glad I had supplemental insurance and we still paid a lot of money in private care as my husband battled severe depression and related issues for several years.
2) some minor interventions – I had a small skin lump in my back. Was told it probably wasn’t cancer and it would take at least 18 months for me to see a derm in the public system. It wasn’t painful but ugly and mildly uncomfortable so I got it removed in a private clinic – took three days and they tested it for me, but I’m glad I make a decent living and could pay out-of-pocket as it wasn’t cheap.
Generally, I think the availability of public healthcare covering most major medical events in life (car accident, cancer, heart attack, childbirth) does affect the need for a emergency fund as Canada, as does the availability of other social services (generous unemployment benefits for ex). But I still have a couple k in my savings account earmarked as “medical” and would recommend investigating supplemental health insurance options if you plan to retire here.
Equestrian Attorney
And re: comment above – I’m in Quebec and there are private clinics here. I know this varies by province.
BB
I’m actually looking at Quebec for my long in the future plan, so great to know!
Anonymous
I think the mental health care is more variable across the country. My city has walk in psychological counselling for immediate need and anti-depressants are often prescribed by your family doctor. More complex needs are generally referred to a psychiatrists but waittimes can be very variably – often longer in rural areas. Psychological services in the public system can have longer wait times but like with physiotherapy, optometrist etc – many Canadians use their employer provided ‘secondary’ insurance for psychologist appointments so they can be seen immediately by their psychologist of choice vs waiting for a publically paid psychologist to be available. In my area, there is good availability of group services with limited or no wait times for social worker or psychologist run group programming like grief counselling or addictions support groups.
Anon
BB – healthcare in Quebec is generally accepted as much worse than in Ontario.
Anon
Our emergency fund is $25,000. But we’re very ahead of schedule on paying off our only debt (a home loan) and could stop paying it indefinitely in the event of a job loss. That would cut our monthly expenses to under $2k, so $25k would last us over a year even with no income (and it’s likely that if one of us lost a job we would still have one income). I’d like to have a little less in the bank (and more invested in the market), DH would like to have more sitting in the bank, so $25k is our compromise number.
Anon
20k for emergency and 4M for retirement. Single, MCOL, no kids, possibly parents as dependents down the road.
TheElms
HCOL city, 1 kid on the way, 2 incomes, total HHI of approx 900K including deferred comp. We have 70K in the emergency fund and cash in several other dedicated accounts that could be tapped if needed (vacation, house repairs, new car, pet fund, mad money). Pre-kid on the way, I thought that was enough because it would cover basic household expenses (mortgage, home/car insurance, basic utilities, groceries, very basic health insurance) if both of us lost our jobs for about 12 months. Now there is a kid on the way I figure we’ll up the amount to at least 100K or maybe more. I still have to think through what would make me comfortable and I assume it would be harder to cut back on some things with a kid than just 2 adults.
I think my quit tomorrow amount is around 10 million after taxes if I won the lottery (because at 3% per year that is a 300k pre tax income).
Anon
Honestly, at a HHI of 900k, what is stopping you from saving a large majority of it and retiring or partially retiring in 10 yrs? In your shoes that would be a strong goal because it’s so doable so soon.
anon0321
6 months of *current* living expenses if both my husband and I are laid off.
anon0321
we have 1 kid (1 on the way), daycare, a decent mortgage, and pretty predictable monthly spending habits. Min liquid in my account at any given time is $60k.
Conference Purses
I have a big financial conference to go to soon. I get that they will give us tote bags, but also have a clutch-style wallet and an Iphone and I’ve never liked the open-ness of those totes if I have to also carry tissues / fem hygiene products around. And glasses — must have reading glasses (esp. to read iphone in dim conference hall lighting).
My travel bag is an OG (which I love), but too big to use as a purse (but could carry instead of the tote perhaps). I have a black envelope clutch (which could slip into the conference tote).
Help me think this through so I can pack and not wind up chucking half of my belongings into a giant checked bag (will have to wear suits / more formal attire at this conference), if that matters. I want to look smart and not like Lady With Lots of Bags.
Anon
I would use a wheeled carry on suitcase plus a purse that comfortably fits an iPad but isn’t much bigger.
Anonymous
I can’t do that — the only people who do that at these (guy-heavy finance conferences) are admins and old women. I don’t even own one and am flying to it, so even if I had one it would be too much to bring.
The totes are mainly for conference handouts and swag, so no truly heavy lifting.
90% of my time at work is at a desk, so I don’t need the schleppage of personal items so much (my id badge and a card are on my phone, so for lunch I just take that with me).
Cat
We were posting at the same time. I am confused by this comment. We’re talking about an actual suitcase, not a wheeled briefcase to use all day (which I agree would be out of place at a conference). You would leave the suitcase in your room…
Anonymous
OP here — that makes sense. I see so many wheelies now though . . .
mascot
This is my preferred strategy as well. Most of the conferences I go to are continuing education type and I download all the handouts to my iPad to take notes. Plus, the iPad/purse combo is light enough to carry from meeting to meal/cocktail hour.
If you end up using the large tote, a couple of small pouches will keep all your personal items corralled.
In-House in Houston
Following this!!
boo
What do you need to carry in the tote? All the conferences I go to use apps for scheduling and notifications, so you don’t need paper printed agendas anymore. You didn’t mention presenting, so I agree with Anon to bring a purse that fits an ipad or something if you use that. Maybe I skew towards minimalist because I never take the swag and materials at the expo tables.
Anonymous
OP again — I am a paper note-taker, so I write on the handouts to the extent they have them. Not always. And I purge before I leave the hotel. Agree on the conference apps — they are good for sharing handouts with non-attending co-workers.
And I’m choosy about swag to keep, but not going to turn down clients who want me to have XYZ (and take 2 b/c we know you have kids). Easier to smile and place in bag (to purge later).
Cat
Do you have a normal-sized (i.e., not OG) nice work tote that you use daily? Why not use that? I’d go with that + rollaboard instead.
Also, just because the conference hands out totes doesn’t mean you’re obligated to carry it around all day, much less fill it with ALL THE VENDOR FREEBIES. I’m always tempted to grab that stuff and when I get home it’s like… no I did NOT need a fifth car charger.
Anonymous
I always use a wheeled carry-on, take my OG as my personal article, and decline the conference tote.
Anonymous
I don’t like putting my purse in those totes. There’s too much risk of someone innocently picking up the wrong bag. I prefer a cross body bag with an adjustable strap so I can wear it on my shoulder if needed (like with a suit).
Along these lines – I’ve been eyeing the Lo & Sons Pearl for a while. Can anyone comment on whether that’s a good fit for a conference? Any preference in the finish?
Kk
I have had a pearl for 3+ years and I can’t say enought about it. It’s amazing- I use it daily, for travel, and for conferences. They say it can be a wristlet- I think it’s too big for that, but it’s a great shoulder/crossbody bag. The ones I’ve seen in the smoother leathers have stretched/worn with wear- they look broken in a little more. My saffiano one still is structured and looks brand new. It’s big enough to slide an ipad mini or kindle in there, plus glasses, wallet, random lipsticks, hand lotion, hand sanitizer, pens, and other stuff. I
Annie
It’s a great fit for that purpose. I love it.
Mrs. Type A
What about the longchamp Le pliage? It’ll pack up small but can carry a lot. There’s are some that are even expandable so you can fit more or less on any given day.
Anon
You’re way overthinking this. Just bring a regular carry-on bag and then a smaller purse.
Anon
+1000000000000000 This question is the epitome of overthinking.
Anonymous
My strategy is to bring my usual work tote to hold the personal items and computer/tablet/papers I might need while attending conference sessions. I accept the conference tote at registration but almost immediately toss any unnecessary inserts and then put it in my work tote. If I think I’m going to be gathering a lot of material from the exhibit hall, I try to do so at a time when I can drop my computer in my room before doing the exhibits, and then go back to my room to drop off what I’ve gathered before going back to conference sessions. I usually bring just the essentials to the exhibit hall, in pockets or a wristlet attached to the conference tote. Ruthlessly re-evaluating what I really need to bring home helps when I’m traveling with just tote and carry-on. If this is a conference where exhibitors might have giveaways that you want to bring home, you may want to check your suitcase.
Anon
I refuse the bag and carry my own tote. If the bag is the foldable grocery bag type, I fold it up and put it into my own tote, but if it’s a structured bag like a canvas briefcase type thing, I know i am never going to use it, so I just don’t take it. I stand at registration for an extra second to take all the stuff out and hand them back the bag.
Nesprin
I always use my standard tote- is big enough for my computer or conference book and looks polished. I take the tote and pack it away for my new gym bag.
Rainbow Hair
For conference-center type events, I use a backpack. Mostly because I have a laptop that I like to use to take notes/do emergency work without running back to the hotel. Carrying a laptop in a tote bag hurts my shoulders/back after a while, and I don’t think it’s worth the discomfort.
I pack a very small cross body bag (and/or wristlet) in my backpack for flying, then I use it for evening events and the like. It just holds my phones and wallet and cards. I find it handy at the airport to put my backpack on the handle of my roller bag and throw the cross-body on so I have easy access to phones and wallet while I’m killing time at the airport. If the boarding agent or TSA asks about it, the purse gets stuffed into the backpack — problem solved.
anon
I’m confused. Why wouldn’t you just take a laptop bag? Are you not going to need to do some work while you are traveling? What do you normally take when you travel for work? Are you even traveling?
Now finding the perfect laptop bag, that is a challenge.
Anonymous
When I travel I always take my small cross-body purse, rolling suitcase, and then larger tote bag for the conference. I can put the small cross-body purse into the tote bag during the conference, but then can just take the small purse when going out at night or whatever. At the airport, I put the purse in the tote bag.
Claire Fraser
My workplace is about to switch to casual attire, from business casual. I’m mid-thirties, experienced professional. Buxom 12-ish. I’d like to use this opportunity to develop a style (I have nothing coherent now but am pretty good with sheath dresses and open cardigans/jackets). I’d love to focus on one or two brands that have an eclectic style, veer away a bit from structured sheath dress type style but not as youthful as a lot of the casual attire I see on Pinterest. In short, I want to look grown up, something that projects maturity but not stuffiness. I’m will to slowly spend around $100 per piece, give or take. I have no skills in this area, which is why I think focusing on a brand or two might be the way to build something cohesive.
Any ideas, wise ladies of the hive?
Looking at you Ms. B – you’ve given me great tips in the past and I think we are shaped similarly…
Anonymous
With the caveat that my style isn’t eclectic at all, I’d recommend searching on Google or Pinterest for capsule wardrobe ideas. Good posts will show you 20-25ish pieces along with formulas for how to wear them (and you might be surprised by what you already have). You could start with that but then throw in eclectic pieces as you find them. I am a big fan of the pants/jeans, top, and blazer formula. Your tops, jewelry/accessories, and even blazers could be more eclectic. I think building up a solid wardrobe of basics will give you a foundation so that you’ll have something to wear the eclectic pieces with as you find them. And the capsule wardrobes often focus on basics.
getting there
The 2 websites I like for what I think you’re looking for are: insideoutstyle dot com
and also the vivienne files dot com
Also start brainwashing yourself with style blogs and pinterest and instagram and see what hits.
Let us know how it works out! Good luck
Ms B
Honestly, moving to full time casual is my nightmare. We do have “casual Fridays” when my staff usually wears jeans, but I generally do not indulge because clients drop in, I have to drop something off at a clerk’s office, I run into judges at lunch, etc.
My usual casual routine consists of Gap “slim and skinny” ankle pants (they fit me as full length) or something in a colored denim from Wit and Wisdom (Absolution line at Nordie’s, the petite ankle pants fit me as full length), a popover from Talbots or Loft, and then a jacket or less structured sweater of some type. I have had good luck with Kut from the Kloth (Nordies’s or Rack), Talbots, some Halogen petites pieces (although quality is spotty), and some of the dusters I already own. I usually pair with AGLs or booties. Once in a while I will change it up with an Old Navy swing dress (comes in petite), a J Jill knit (the A-lines work moderately well on me if I size down), or palazzo pants with a linen blouse,or silk tank with a swingy sweater (strictly a summer look).
Honestly, most of the “cool” brands do not fit me at all (see: hourglass). I lust after some of the Universal Standard pieces, but they appear to run way too long. Sometimes I get lucky at Anthro with a cropped style, but I find it a lot easier to get basic pieces and then add scarves (Rack is great for these) and fun shoes (DSW, the River Site, E.G. Geller, and Rack are good for these). The one exception is if I am in NYC and able to go to L&T (I have always done well with their house lines) or to have a Bloomingdales personal shopper run around for me and pull what would be cropped jackets or toppers from the misses lines; I usually am able to get one or two of those that end up fitting me correctly.
Good luck!
Rainbow Hair
What is your style, though? Is there someone you see on TV and you’re like, “yes I want to look like her”?
I think I’ve mentioned before here the game “What’s Your Look?” It’s fun! It could be “If David Bowie had to work in an office” or “Jackie Kennedy, but black and white and grey” or “I’m a conceptual artist and I’m just here for the health insurance” or “if Alicia Florick were punk rock” (that’s me) or “Tomboy cleans up real cute” or “there’s a wing named after me at the MOMA” or “Star Trek, but make it fashion” or “work can’t find out I’m a dom*natrix” or whatever…
I know it’s silly, but it actually helps me focus when I’m shopping. Like right now I’m in the market for earrings, and I am sometimes tempted by really frilly feminine things, but then I ask myself, “will this convey the anger I want my earrings to convey?” and when the answer is no, I skip ’em, because I know I won’t want to wear them very often.
Suburban
Rainbow hair, this is a delight. You’re amazing. Thank you.
pugsnbourbon
I love that you, too, wear earrings to convey anger. I need a decent amount of eff-you in my jewelry.
Rainbow Hair
Yesss I’m glad that didn’t make me sound totally nuts.
C
As someone who just purchased several pieces of angular, pointy-looking jewelry, I;m 100% behind this philosophy. I’d describe my style goal as “If Scarlet Widow worked in an office.”
Rainbow Hair
Yes, C! #goals
Anon
Wow…I just overheard my boss (who I previously really liked, and thought I had a good relationship with) loudly mocking me within earshot of me. He can even see me from where I’m sitting. I’m stunned.
Anonymous
I’m sorry. As hard as this is, try no to internalize—this is about him, not you.
anon
+1 That’s horrible. So sorry. Maybe a good day to take some time to record your accomplishments and successes at work, to remind yourself of all of the value you bring? (Trying to think of active ways to counteract destructiveness like this.)
Housecounsel
I think I’d wait a day to settle down (I’d need one), then I’d ask to speak with the boss about it. It was inappropriate under any circumstance, but I’d want to know what was underlying it, if anything. Or maybe he is just a jerk.
anon a mouse
Depending on your personality, can you call him out on it? He can see you! Even a “hey, I heard you earlier – what’s that about?” Make him uncomfortable.
Lily
+1
Cat
Is it at all possible that he thought he was being funny and knew you could overhear? (Not that it would excuse the weird jerky behavior, but a possible explanation?)
Anon
“I’m wondering what you meant by your joke earlier. Could you explain it?”
Use your words.
Anon
Agree. Definitely don’t just sit on it.
anon
Remember that sometimes, we make fun of people who we actually like — because we are insecure, and are trying to make others laugh or connect with others. I’m ashamed to say I’ve done it. He can like you, respect you, and still make fun of you — that’s not mutually exclusive.
Emma
Agree with this- in my family, teasing is our love language. I’ve learned the hard way that not everyone understands and either try to keep it in check or explain that teasing is my way of showing affection and comfort with someone. Def call him on it in a way you feel comfortable.
Anon
Any recommendations for an Alaska cruise? I’m a little leery of cruising (labor conditions, sicknesses on board, stereotypes), but I understand it’s the best way to see Alaska.
RR
We did a two-week cruisetour on Celebrity back in 2005 (so caveat that I’m not sure how their current product compares). It was really amazing. We flew to Fairbanks and spent a week in Fairbanks, Denali, Talkeetna (the most breathtaking view of Denali and the best pizza I’ve ever eaten), and then Anchorage before boarding the ship and doing the stops at Juneau, Ketchikan, Skagway, Icy Straight Point (this was a real treat if you can find a boat that stops there), a glacier day, and then to Vancouver, where we stayed for another couple days. It was an amazing trip, which I would highly recommend, except that I’m not sure how it compares 14 years later. My parents still cruise on Celebrity all the time and love it, for what that’s worth, but they haven’t done Alaska yet.
Anon
I’m not sure I agree that “it’s the best way to see Alaska.” It’s a great way to see Glacier National Park and other tidewater glaciers, but there’s a lot in Alaska besides that. I highly recommend a week on land + a week on a cruise ship, if you have the time/money. We did a week in Anchorage (with a daytrip to Katmai National Park for bear-watching), Denali National Park, and the Kenai Peninsula (Kenai Fjords National Park) on our own, which was spectacular. Then we got on our cruise ship in Whittier and cruised to Vancouver (stopping for glaciers, Juneau, Skagway and Ketchikan). The glacier part of the cruise was great, but I found the cities (especially Skagway) touristy and boring. The first week felt like the real Alaska, the second week on the cruise was fun but definitely felt less authentic, except for the glacier viewing. We cruised on Princess (Voyage of the Glaciers itinerary) and the food was generally fine. I wouldn’t worry much about sickness, norovirus is more of a winter thing (in the UK it’s known as “winter vomiting bug”) and Alaska cruises are in the summer.
Anon
That’s because you didn’t get out of the tourist areas, which is the fault of the cruise companies. They want you to spend money at the places they own. If you can think outside the box a bit, all those towns are very lovely and have a lot to offer.
Anon
I disagree with your criticism of my travel planning ability. We didn’t spend money in any of these towns at anything owned or operated by our cruiseline (and I’m not sure why you would, with all-you-can-eat food on your boat and plenty of independent operators offering tours at better prices than the cruiselines). Yes, we were limited by the fact that our ship was only in port for ~10 hours or whatever, so we couldn’t travel that far from the port city, but that’s the nature of cruising, not our failure to “think outside the box a bit.” Juneau is a real city, I get that. We didn’t see much of it, because we took a taxi out to Mendenhall Glacier (which was ok, but paled in comparison to glaciers we saw on the ship and elsewhere in Alaska). It’s fair to say we didn’t explore Juneau itself and I shouldn’t have lumped it in with the others. But Skagway and Ketchikan are basically cities that are only there for the cruise ships. I would not call them lovely or say they have a lot to offer, in fact I would say they’re some of the tackiest places I’ve ever been. I’ve been on a lot of cruises and most port cities (even the tourist areas – think Old San Juan) are way more charming and have a lot more to offer than Skagway and Ketchikan. Sorry if it offends you as an Alaskan, but that’s my honest assessment.
Anonymous
Juneau is a very cool funky place which you will never see if you take a cruise because when a cruise ship disgorges thousand of people the whole nature of the place is completely changed. Spend a week in Juneau outside of cruise ship season and experience the real thing.It’s worth it if you want to understand Alaska and not just get run though it as if it were a type of Disneyland ride.
AK
Alaska is big. It’s huge. You can’t see it all in one trip. If you’re interested in the inside passage, then yes – cruising is the way to do it. If you’re interested in other itineraries, I am partial to a week in the Kenai peninsula (Homer, Seldovia, Seward, Kenai, Whittier) or a week north to Talkeetna, Fairbanks, Chena, Denali. I would not try to go both north and south in one trip (personally) as you spend a ton of your time on logistics. The train is a great way to travel, albeit expensive.
What do you want to do? It makes a huge difference if you’re interested in animal encounters, flight seeing, mountain-gazing, cultural experiences, kayaking/hiking, etc.
Anon
Do one of the smaller ones if you can afford it — UnCruise or the Nat Geo cruises. And as a Juneauite, I say stick around for a couple of days and enjoy our beautiful capital city :)
Costa Rica - Overwhelmed by Options!
Help me, wise hive!
I would like to go to Costa Rica in early May (I know it’s the start of the rainy season, but I’m fine with that). I have 7 days/6 nights. I have been doing research on where to visit, but there are so many options that it’s overwhelming and I can’t decide! I also can’t decide whether I want to stay in one place for a few days and then go to another area.
How I travel: low-key, solo, self-supported, rustically. I am an Airbnb-er who doesn’t need anything fancy, although I always want clean! I have found plenty of options that look great in various areas, but again, choice overload! I prefer to stay off the beaten path a bit vs. touristy areas.
What I like to do: hike, be out in nature, take surfing lessons, go to/walk on the beach (although not for extended periods of time), explore things off the beaten path.
Drake Bay area looked interesting and reasonably close to parks, but so did many other places! I expect I will rent a 4×4 to get around in if necessary.
Any suggestions or tips are greatly appreciated!!
Anonymous
I’ve not stayed in the area you mention, but I did love Costa Rica. As for needing a 4×4, I’d say if you’re renting a car, you definitely want a 4×4. The roads can be really bad, even in touristy areas, but especially off the beaten path.
Annonnnn
Where did you stay? What did you visit? What did you most enjoy?
Anonymous
Tip for the rainy season — I went a few years ago in August, flying from NYC. The rain is usually on a very predictable schedule. If you’re on the east coast, stay in that time zone when you are there (when I was there, they were 3 hours behind NYC). The best time to sight-see in terms of animals and nature is very early morning. Get up at 4:30-5 am (=7:30-8am NYC time) for a trek through the jungle to see the animals when they’re most active. By the time you’re back, have lunch, etc., the rain for the day will start (around 2-3 pm local time), and you can have a nap, read, or have quiet indoor time. The rain will stop after 2-3 hours, and then it will be dark out (not great for animal sightseeing) and you can go to dinner, etc., and then head to early bed to prep for the next morning’s adventure. :)
Annonnnn
Thank you for the tips! What area of the country did you visit? What sights did you visit? Any fun tours, etc.?
Definitely anon (details would out me)
Another rainy season suggestion: Spend your last night within easy driving distance of the international airport. Heavy rains can close the local airports and you might find your self rained in! (Happened to me and I ended up staying an extra 5 nights because I could not get an international flight for a reasonable amount of money.)
As to where to stay, if you really want off the beaten path, try to Osa Peninsula! Great hiking, wildlife viewing, and kayaking. I do not surf, but it is not far form Pavones if you are an experienced surfer. Only caveat is that is can be very pricey because it is so isolated. It has been long enough that I cannot recommend a hotel. There is a pretty wide range, from guesthouses to eco lodges.
Definitely anon (details would out me)
One more point, if you get in the water, please be very careful! The rip currents can be vicious. Every year there are reports of someone drowning, often very experienced swimmers/surfers.
Anonymous
I know I have recommended this before, but one of my favorite bloggers (and I promise I am not her lol) wrote about her recent trip to Costa Rica. She went with her family, including three kids so might be a little different than what you are planning, but still might be worth a read of her recaps. Her blog is Lag Liv.
AK
For our 1-week in Costa Rica, we basically stayed in Quepos / Manuel Antonio Park. The town of Quepos is great! They have a great bakery (the Brooklyn Bakery), the falafel place in Manuel Antonio is wonderful,
El Patio de Café Milagro in MA has AMAZING coffee drinks and great dinner. We also loved breakfast at the “restaurant” on corner of the soccer field (google isn’t pulling up results… probably because it’s sort of a shack? but awesome). My husband would recommend Marisqueria Velamar Restaurante for fish and La Dolce Vita for Italian. I recommend flying into/out of Quepos (it was ~$75 one way to San Jose). We loved MA Park, but we mostly hung around town, did some ‘adventure’ stuff (paddleboarding, etc), and got some books from the used bookstore.
I’m not saying you have to do a week there, but if you’re interested in Drake Bay, Quepos is right up the road and totally worth it.
Suits, suits, suits
We have gone casual at work (and my office is freezing). I’ve been a sloppy mess this winter (plus, I’ve been sick), so wool turtleneck over jeans FTW.
But I think I’ve got to go back to serious work attire. I’m taking on a new role (replacing someone with 40 years of experience to my 20). I am going back to suits (but colorful / patterned) with either slightly cropped straight leg pants (or moderate bootcut legs). And either a turtleneck when I’m freezing (often) or some blouse underneath (no buttondowns). The slightly cropped legs will let me wear flats or not (helpful). Easy enough to get back to biz-formal if needed (or not).
But I really just need to look the part, at least for a while, while internal and external clients get used to this (let alone me).
Anon
Does anyone else at the level you are replacing wear suits? I mean being the suit wearer in an office full of jeans seems almost intentionally off-putting. It makes more sense to skew trendy business casual rather than suits. Or essentially suit wear on top (nice blouse and coordinating blazer) with dark wash jeans, khakis, corduroy (or other casual fabric). Tbh if someone at my work place got promoted and went from jeans and sweaters to full on suits, they’d be laughed at for their faux sense of importance or entitlement – unless others at their level wear suits.
Anon
If everyone else in your office is casual, I think it will look out of place wearing suits. Could you do jeans with nice tops and jackets?
Ariadne
Not sure if this is what you are looking for, but may help — I work in a super casual workplace, and can adjust thermostat in my work area, but the heat is often distributed unevenly, so what I wear in winter to stay warm is skirt, sweater, tights, short booties on warmer winter days, and warm suede boots that go just under the knee on cooler days. skirt is usually bright, or patterned, while merino sweater + cardi is plain — or skirt is plain with patterned top, and card/ pullover. I wear black, blue, and burgundy tights which mach all skirts, and super opaque hues / fleece lined on very cold days.
Magoo
I’m looking at buying a pair of those blue light-blocking glasses. Any advice for a good pair or experience that says they don’t work so?
C2
I got mine from eyebuydirect, bought a pair of glasses with my prescription and the blue light-block coating. By no means am I an optometrist – I’ve read it’s more useful later in the day and at night so it doesn’t interrupt your circadian rhythm. For digital eye strain in general I think you’re supposed to look away from the computer several times an hour and focus on something farther away.
Anon
Why not just use software? I use night mode on my iphone and ipad, f.lux on my computer, just keep it on all day rather than setting it to only come on in the evening. As far as I can tell, it has the same effect glasses would and helps a lot (I have chronic migraine and screens are a big trigger).
Magoo
I can’t install software on my work computer. I’ve trying adjusting the monitor settings manually but somehow it had just made the text difficult to read.
Anon
Newer operating systems have a night mode built in, no software necessary.
Anon
I bet you’ve never worked in a large organization with Byzantine IT rules :)
Anon
Question for lawyer ‘rettes and people who review lawyer resumes – should I include an “objective”, “profile”, or “summary” as the first section in my resume? I have several years of experience, and in past job hunts have tried using each one (not all at once). I don’t have enough data points to figure out what has been better received. Thoughts?
Cat
Of those I’ve reviewed, they seem to be about 50/50 on whether the applicant includes one. I don’t find them particularly helpful — fluffy filler. I don’t need you to write that you are a self-motivated team player who routinely handles strategic initiatives with executives while providing practical advice for today’s business and legal climate.
Better to use your time to clearly organize your achievements/responsibilities in a way that paints the same picture.
Mrs. Jones
+1.
Anonymous
I don’t include one and don’t see them often in resumes for law firm positions. My experience descriptions make it obvious where my expertise lies and who my target clients are. Use your cover letter to make your elevator pitch.
Anon
Based on these responses, yikes. I’m in finance and have always had one. It’s where I put overall skills/tech/specific experience that I’ve used in all past positions so I don’t have to repeat them under each job. Maybe that’s why I never get interviews.
Anonymous
No, these responses are all specifically about law. Like she asked.
Cat
Ooh, yeah, I wouldn’t put anything in the intro paragraph that’s totally omitted in the work history, since I assume many people (like myself) skim or skip it.
I guess that’s why I recommend omitting it because you go one of two ways — (1) if it’s repetitive/sounds canned, it’s a waste of space; (2) if it contains unique information, you risk people missing it altogether because they’ve seen too many of version 1 and been trained to ignore.
Anon
So it would be better to repeat under each job? That doesn’t seem right
Anon
In some fields (law, for sure) you should be showing improvement/progress in each job, not doing the exact same thing. You may be working on the same project or the same tax form or whatever, but your role should progress and your resume should be written to reflect that.
Cat
@Anon, no, I wouldn’t copy and paste under each job, but try to show a progression in responsibility / skills in whatever it is. Maybe your team of reports kept growing in size or variety of capabilities with each position. Maybe you went from “second chairing” negotiations to leading them. Etc.
Anonymous
Waste of space. I’d much rather see your accomplishments listed with each job/position. If you need an intro or explanatory statement of some sort it goes in the cover letter or cover email, depending on the situation.
Pompom
For lawyers? Not standard, but if succinct and done well, can help you get through an ATS quite nicely (even if they require a cover letter, for example, the ats bots don’t always read them).
You can always include a “headline” or some phrasing between the name./contact info header and your work experience. ” 8+ Years Litigation Experience | Construction + Environmental Disputes | DC + MD Licensed “
Anonymous
No none of them. I don’t care. I just want to see where you’ve worked and what you did and where you went to school
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yeah, this exactly. I’d consider putting your work experience first too, and quantifying what you have done (i.e., not “have experience taking and defending depos” but “taken 20+ depos”
anon
No. I think they’re weird and present as trying too hard but missing the mark. Your cover letter is where you explain in detail why you want the job you’re applying for and why you’re a good fit. Anything you can fit on your resume will be too generic and vague to be of any value. Agree with Cat’s second paragraph.
Anonymous
What kind of job are you looking for? I have a vague impression that these are much more common for in house or government jobs than with firms.
The original Scarlett
Generally no, but this depends on how senior you are. I’ve found it helpful to see a list of specialty areas up front rather than redundantly described over and over under jobs. I review a lot of business resumes and am quite impressed with the new formats that are generally available – the presentation of information is cleaner, less cluttered and easier to digest. I don’t think lawyers have caught on yet, so until you’re a lot more established I’d probably stick with a traditional format.
The original Scarlett
I also think we overthink our resumes – as long as they are typo free and not completely outside the norm (here im thinking pink paper and scented), they only matter a little bit. I’d focus more on networking, we’ve hired lots of people with all different resumes.
Anon
Nope. They don’t help and can only hurt. Get right to your experience and qualifications.
Equestrian Attorney
I would only include one if your objective is not blatantly obvious or there is something you want to address straight up to avoid your resume being discarded before anyone gets to your cover letter (ie you are relocating, drastically changing fields because good reasons, etc). If you are just looking for a new job in the normal course of a legal career (including a move in-house or to government, both pretty standard) I don’t see the point.
Lily
Huh interesting. I’m not in law at all but I definitely thought all of those were a bit old-fashioned and not used any more.
Nesprin
I (non-lawyer) have one because my work is appreciably esoteric and without some hints doesn’t seem to be coherent.
LinkedIn Q
I hate LinkedIn. I think it’s invasive and creepy, but it figures prominently in hiring in my area. I’m biting the bullet here and getting an account set up. I’ve made a career change and do not wish to list positions in my prior field for several reasons, but failing to do so does leave a big gap in my professional timeline. Is this a big deal?
Vicky Austin
I’m not sure I have advice for your exact pickle – if people in your area will be looking intensely, it might be a big deal to them. You could always say, “Given the pros and cons of putting personal information on the Internet, I decided to limit what I posted on my LinkedIn profile” (though of course if you do this you’ll want all your other social media locked down to convey the same message).
To commiserate, I am also not a LinkedIn fan. I’m fresh out of business school and we all practically had our arms twisted to have and maintain a professional profile, but the refrain of “add everyone who adds you because ~networking~” never made me, a young woman, feel comfortable adding old men. No thanks.
anon
It’s a professional site, not a social one. I would definitely add any “old men” you have an in-person relationship with! You don’t have to be particularly active, or include anything in your profile that is not 100% professional, but I think you should heed their advice to add as many people as you know in real life. I do NOT add everyone who adds me, though. There are way too many randoms and I want to at least recognize the names of those in my “network.”
Vicky Austin
Sorry, should have specified random old men!
anon
Lol! Yes, I’m the same about random old men. I mean, why?? No.
Anonymous
I am pretty sure that old men are not big on LinkedIn stalking, if that is of comfort.
Most people, regardless of age/gender, will google you when they first encounter you (esp. if not in person). So I think it is better for linked in to be in Items 1-5 that pop up when they google you vs something else.
Anon
I’m curious about this. What feels unsafe to you? I like LinkedIn because I give out way less personal information than on FB. I don’t post regularly. It’s basically just my resume. You can find a picture of me on my firm’s website too so I don’t feel like my work address is confidential. I don’t list my house address on LinkedIn. If an old man wants to connect with me that gives me an opportunity to talk to him via email or phone and decide whether I’m comfortable meeting him in person or not. I can just say no or I can suggest an event that other people will be at.
I also don’t have tons of personal pictures for one to peruse like on FB. It’s basically just my firm head shot.
Vicky Austin
I didn’t say unsafe, I said uncomfortable. My real hesitation isn’t “I’m actively putting myself in danger by adding this specific 65-year-old man” as much as it was “I’m being told I have no choice but to add people I don’t know for the sake of being a good networker, and those new contacts (some of whom are old and male) might not get that I’m adding them because I apparently have to, and the professors who are telling me to do this (some of whom are also old and male) might not get that I am averse to adding randoms for reasons that run deeper than laziness or apathy about my future.”
The amount of information, pictures, etc. on LinkedIn is perfectly safe. It’s the being all but shamed into giving an avenue into your life to people you are not 100% comfortable with for reasons that men don’t have to worry about and are therefore ignoring – that’s what bothers me. (Caveat that this may be a more personal experience than I realized, given the insular university community and specific professors I’m recounting.)
Annonnnn
You don’t have to add random people. I only do if there is a clear connection through our respective connections or if they are in a field I am interested in. Just don’t.
anon
If you aren’t comfortable adding people you don’t know to your network, don’t do it.
Anon
I wouldn’t say what you have written there. It would look out of touch.
Anonymous
How long have you been in the workplace? If you can just drop everything prior to your current career path, I would do that versus including jobs that create a “hole” in your history. Also, if there’s a way to list your off-topic jobs ambiguously, you could do that.
Also, go digging in the privacy settings. LinkedIn has some wonky defaults that you’ll want to change.
Anon
Do not add people you don’t know. Decline invitations from people you haven’t met. Make an exception for recruiters if they send you a note saying they’d like to contact you for a specific opportunity that you’re interested in, but otherwise no. There are lots of people who just want to grow their numbers. I don’t think anything creepy would happen, but there is no good reason for you to accept connections from these people, ever. Especially if they make you uncomfortable.
Your linked in should be your personal on-line Rolodex. But because it’s online you never have to update it yourself. I love it for that purpose.
Blueberries
I wouldn’t accept/add people I never met. I don’t want to expose my network to someone random (who might start messaging my contacts) or who may not be a real person.
Anonymous
I appreciate this thread. I never accept random people I don’t know in LinkedIn (sometimes with the personal reach out recruiter exception mentioned). It seems like random people want to add me all of the time, and I was starting to wonder if I was the weird dinosaur? Glad I’m not alone.
Worry about yourself
For me, no. I don’t need to see ALL of someone’s experience to verify whether they’re at the right level for the job. Usually I’ll just read through what’s there, figure “okay, she’s this job title at this company, and before that she was this title, and it seems like she has enough experience to do this job at the level we need, so okay, let’s put her in the pipeline and see what the hiring manager has to say.” If I see a gap between the last job and, say, the latest degree, I assume there are other jobs in that gap the person decided to leave out, either because they weren’t relevant or they were redundant. I’m not looking for anyone’s life story.
Anon
Could you provide us with a bit more info? What is your former career and what are you doing now?
You can list positions generally without a specific company by putting the position in the “company” line. So you would be, for example, a “staff electrical engineer” at “engineer.” Then list your accomplishments in a succinct manner.
Anonymous
I’m interested in applying for a job at a firm where a few former associates from my current firm now work. I don’t have any relationship with these people, either haven’t met them or briefly met one time. Any tips on how to reach out and ask for help?
anon
The least awkward way will be to find a common connection who you can name-drop, but, of course, you have to clear it with that person before you do. Then email the contact at the new firm, subject, “John Doe referral” and explain that John thought they would be a good resource for you since you are interested in applying, and would they have a few minutes to speak by phone or meet for a cup of coffee? At some point, that person will hopefully ask for your resume and forward it to HR for you.
The original Scarlett
I’d just email, hey we both worked at firm X, while our paths didn’t cross there I see you’re at Y now. I’m interested in Y, can we chat or meet for coffee. (With more fluff, but basic idea)
Cat
+1
Anon
Ladies, for your gynecological appointments, do you prefer an actual ob/gyn or a pcp? I need to find a new doctor either way, so am debating the two. There is a history of female related cancers in my family, but I haven’t had any of those screenings come back abnormal in the 10+ years I’ve been going to an ob/gyn.
Mrs. Jones
An ob/gyn of course. My PCP doesn’t even do gyn exams.
Anonymous
This will depend a lot where you live. In a larger city, your PCP might not do gyn exams (especially if male), and you might have to go the ob/gyn route. In a more rural area, specialists are less common, and nearly all PCPs do gyn exams. Unless you have a particular reason to need a gyn exam soon, I’d pick a PCP that you feel good about and see what s/he offers and prefers. Personally, I wouldn’t choose a PCP based on whether gyn exams are available. I’d rather have two doctors I love than one just because it is a one-stop shop.
anon
I see both my PCP and my ob/gyn for annual check-ups. Both appointments are free because they are preventative. I want both docs to know who I am (and have seen me within the past 12 months) when I catch a cold (PCP) or have something gynecological to address (ob/gyn).
anon
Edited to add: I would most definitely go to a gyn if you have a history of gyn cancers in the family. The gyn will be far more familiar with what is normal, sort of normal, worth checking out a bit more, etc. A PCP will either not recognize a red flag (really really bad) or raise issues unnecessarily in an effort to be thorough (obnoxious, expensive, and time consuming).
Anonymous
Gyn.
ANom
This probably depends on where you are in life and how old you are. When I was in my 20’s, a PCP, PA or NP was fine. I’m 42 and finished with having kids. I go to an actual ob/gyn and a PCP. Admittedly, i’m not super regular on going to the PCP, but it’s good to develop a relationship with both types of physicians. The ob/gyn is not keeping track of my cardiovascular health or prescribing antibiotics when i have a horrible sinus infection. And the PCP is not best placed to advise on birth control.
OP Anon
Thanks all! I was leaning to towards getting two doctors anyone, but this has definitely pushed me the rest of the way.
Anon
Female gyn with small hands. :)
Protein Help
I need some help increasing my protein intake. Background is: I am vegetarian (don’t eat fish), overweight, and picky (sadly hate the texture of eggs, yogurt and cottage cheese). My cholesterol is also high. I’m getting more than enough fat and fiber, but I’m way below the recommended protein intake for non-pregnant women, and I’m TTC. I am also trying to eat less soy and highly processed food, and with that added limitation, I am finding it basically impossible to get enough protein. I like legumes, but can’t get tens of grams per day of protein from them! And cheese/milk are high in calories overall, and saturated fats. It seems like the easiest option would be to add protein powder (to my morning oatmeal?), but the internet is telling me that these are unregulated and highly processed. If you have any advice, please share. I did see a nutritionist about this, but I didn’t find it very helpful. I understand that a big part of the issue is my pickiness, and I am trying to work on that, but it is not easy. If you have any specific food recommendations, please let me know. Thanks!
Anonymous
One cup of beans has 15 grams of protein. If you refuse to eat meat, fish, healthy dairy, soy, or tofu, then you need to eat beans.
Anon
With rice, right? I thought beans alone didn’t have the complete amino acid chain or whatever.
Anon
I’m sure you get it from other foods you eat. That’s just an excuse to add a bunch more carbs to your diet, which is probably unnecessary.
anon
I’d say you have *two* big problems: you are a non-pescatarian vegetarian and are picky. Then you layer in that you don’t like other sources of protein (dairy, soy) for x, y, or z reasons. I think you may need to work on something, here, and that a nutritionist is a very good place to start. If you didn’t click with the first one, try again. Perhaps look for one that works with vegetarians? Others may have better ideas, though!
Anonymous
I agree. A nutritionist that has expertise working with vegetarians would be a good place to start. A protein powder (say, pea protein) is a good place to start. I’d start with a smoothie, rather than putting it in your morning oatmeal. I’d also change what you’re eating for breakfast, since oatmeal does not have a lot of protein. I’d actually start eating more lunch foods for breakfast as a way to get in more legumes – like a chickpea salad with vegetables, maybe some nuts, and a dressing.
CPA Lady
Okay, so you can’t eat straight yogurt, but you could probably drink it as part of a smoothie. Dump a small container of yogurt in with a banana, frozen berries, and some OJ and blend it up. I do this every morning. I use whole milk plain greek yogurt, but you could do low fat.
RR
My nutritionist was really good at helping me with more protein, although you’ve nixed a lot of things she suggested. For protein powder, focus on fewer ingredients–there’s a vegetable based option (I wish I could remember some of the names, but I’m not actively working on protein myself so I’ve forgotten). Stay away from Muscle Milk and those types–you are looking for lots of protein in the smallest portion, so you don’t want to have to do 3 scoops to get 20g if you could get 20g in one scoop for example. Once you have a good protein powder, you can make smoothies (this is a good way to get some yogurt without the texture, and you can add peanut butter for even more punch), muffins, pancakes, etc. There’s tons of recipes online. Also, almonds, quinoa, peas.
For awhile I was shooting for around 100g of protein a day. I knocked out about 50 with a protein smoothie in the morning (protein powder, peanut butter or PB powder, banana, Greek yogurt, and a little milk). I eat meat, so the rest of my day is less useful to you, but finding a protein shake you like can get you a big protein punch in the morning.
Anonymous
Some of my favorite sources of protein are:
Cold-brew coffee reconstituted with 1% milk
Muffins and breakfast cookies made with oats and almond meal
Nuts
Nut butters
Smoothies made with a frozen banana, milk, and powdered peanut butter (low in fat)
Anon
I think pickiness should be the main focus, but you can also try beans, nut butters, quinoa, etc.
getting there
I actually think you can work around “pickiness”. I wouldn’t tell someone else that being “Kosher” or “Hallal” or “Allergic” or “Jain” or “Intolerant” is negotiable and something to get over – OP, eat what you want, just smaller of the unhealthy stuff and more of the healthy stuff. You got this.
Anon
Being very picky as an adult is absurd, though. It doesn’t sound like OP is at that level, but I know a woman who literally subsists on pizza, pasta, and white bread because she hates all vegetables, meat, and most fruits. The only way she didn’t get scurvy was through the tomato sauce on pizza. It’s in no way the same thing as severe allergies, being a Jain, or being a vegetarian.
cbackson
It really depends on what “picky” means. I had serious food aversions as a child and I would actually vomit if something with the particular texture/smell/flavor was put in my mouth. That level of aversion usually has a psychological or physical basis, and it generally takes treatment to get over it. For me, once I was successfully treated for depression those intense aversions went away. (Weirdly, they weren’t really connected to my eating disorder – they appeared before it did – but my reputation for pickiness made the ED easier to hide.)
If it’s just not liking a lot of stuff, well, the OP doesn’t owe anyone a duty to get over it, but it’ll limit whether she can accomplish her goals in terms of nutrition.
Anon
I don’t think anyone has said that her choice to be vegetarian is picky. She self-described that the other preference constraints she’s adding make her picky, and Anon at 11:14 pointed out that those may be the best avenues for improvement.
Anon
I don’t want to shame anyone here.
I’m a somewhat picky vegetarian. Over the years, I learned to tolerate or even enjoy a lot of foods, because you can’t be healthy, very picky, and vegetarian.
I think the OP is best off learning to like, or learning to prepare in ways she likes, a lot of the foods she does not currently eat. Fake meat has a place in the vegetarian diet. So do tofu, eggs, legumes, Greek yoghurt, beans.
emeralds
Is there a reason you aren’t eating beans and nuts? Those are usually protein staples for veggies and I don’t see them on your list anywhere. Nuts may be out if you’re trying to avoid fat, I guess? Is seitan too processed for you? What about that chickpea-based pasta?
But I agree with anon at 11:01…it seems like there are a lot of layers to the issue you’re having with this, and I think you’re going to need professional help to unpack and resolve it.
General driveby, I would also recommend checking out the Health at Every Size movement. If you’re not getting needed nutrients and are trying to get pregnant, it may be worth it to work on a mindframe that’s going to help you to back off on things like counting calories, if more calories from cheese are going to help give your body the nutrition it needs to function.
superanon
HAES is bs and a scam. Please be gentle to your body but not at the expense of health – being overweight can be a risk if you’re TTC.
emeralds
It’s neither BS nor a scam that no matter what your weight is, you can make choices that support your health and well-being. HAES doesn’t mean that you eat every single donut like ever!!!–it means that you decouple making the right choices for your health from the expectation that they will necessarily lead to a smaller pant size. It means that you do not see yourself as a disappointment, a failure, or somehow less-than if your body does not adhere to an external standard set by the Vogue marketing department. Eat foods that are good for you. Move your body in a way that feels enjoyable and sustainable for you. Repeat.
Anon
+1 to emeralds
Honestly, what business is it of yours, superanon, if larger women accept themselves? How does that hurt you?
rosie
Also check out lentil pasta (trader joe’s has). And you can make your own seitan (2 ingredients: wheat gluten + water — you can add other stuff if you want), if store-bought is too processed for you.
anon
I am no longer veg, but still eat a largely pescatarian diet with meat mostly only at restaurants. I would suggest building your protein from a number of different sources. This is because natural veg protein sources are often incomplete on their own, or lower in protein, so combining several will ensure you get a complete protein. (Beans and quinoa together, for example.)
I make overnight oats for the week, and in the morning throw in a tablespoon of flaxseed, a tbp of hemp hearts, some chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, and yogurt. Sometimes instead of yogurt I’ll use nut butter. Those additions will help you get extra protein and good fats (good for cholesterol levels). I know you aren’t a fan of yogurt, but mixed in that form I find the texture isn’t really perceptible.
Another thing I would suggest is to make a lot dishes combining beans or legumes with quinoa or bulghur. Spinach is actually 30% protein per gram, so that is a good veggie to throw into things (like a curry) – you probably won’t get much if eating it raw, but it shrinks so much when cooked that you can get good amounts. I buy it frozen to get a lot more than a fresh package.
You can also get hemp protein powder (just the pure hemp form, no sugar or flavourings added, and throw that in lots of stuff fairly undetected (overnight oats, curries, soups, etc.)
Spelt pasta has some good added protein.
Edamame is another really good source. I keep frozen bags around and steam it as a side dish, or add it to salads, curries, etc. Wheat berries are another thing to add to salads or rice dishes.
You mentioned you eat legumes, but think also about other types of ways of using them. Chickpeas for instance can also be used in falafel, or chickpea flour (add to baked goods for example, or top a dish instead of breadcrumbs).
The original Scarlett
So I’m a huge egg person, have you tried different ways of preparing them? A scramble is a completely different texture from a boiled egg.
Anonymous
There are some egg casseroles (basically a crustless quiche) that have a totally different texture too. They use a bunch of milk (I replace with almond milk) and have a light fluffy almost creamy texture.
Someone posted a Smitten Kitchen recipe here last week – leek, cheese, and ham (just leave it out, the recipe is hearty enough to be vegetarian). I made it over the weekend and it is SO GOOD. Thank you, kind stranger!
waffles
I have been enjoying sous vide egg bites (the recipe came with our Joule sous vide machine). It’s equal parts egg and cottage cheese, blended in a blender, then cooked sous vide in mason jars. The texture is totally different from either cottage cheese or boiled eggs. I agree that experimenting with different preparations is a great place to start!
NOLA
I agree that a nutritionist could help. But here are some ideas: quinoa, chia seeds, buckwheat, lentils/chickpeas/beans, pumpkin or sunflower seeds. Check out the Jane Brody good food book (or google for the recipes). I used to love to make her curried lentils and the company beans and rice. Both would be good sources of protein for you, especially with brown rice or quinoa.
Anonymous
Nuts, nut butters, seeds, lentils, beans (as others have said), lentils, high protein grains like barley, high protein vegetables like peas.
What are you eating right now? I would maybe keep a food diary for a week and then do some research to see if you can swap out things you already like for some higher-protein alternatives. You mention oatmeal – almond butter oatmeal with chia seeds and almond slices on top. I think steel cut oats might have slightly more protein than regular oats, so that might be worth trying too.
C2
I really like the trader joe’s lentil pasta, and find it helps me score some extra protein when I’m training heavily for bike rides (13 or 14g per serving IIRC).
Look up and read some of Joy Manning’s writing – she had high cholesterol problems and was able to solve it with a plant-based diet. Here’s one example, but there are more out there: https://www.prevention.com/health/a20486943/lowered-cholesterol-when-ditched-paleo/
PolyD
If we are talking pasta – I like Barilla’s high protein pasta. Tastes just like, or better, in my opinion, than regular pasta. I like it much better than the whole grain stuff. It has a nice heartiness to it, too. I started eating it when I realized that I was eating A LOT of pasta at one sitting because the regular stuff is just not filling/sustaining for me.
I usually nuke some broccoli, then saute it with garlic and olive oil and add some chopped walnuts near the end of the saute time. I put it over the protein pasta – I don’t know exactly how much protein that would be, but between the pasta and the nuts, probably not negligible.
Jules
I was just about to suggest this, I love the Barilla protein plus.
Anonymous
We like Barilla ProteinPlus in our house and eat it too, but 1:1 it is not much higher than regular pasta in protein — the 17g protein they advertise is for a much larger serving. 2 oz (a ‘standard serving’) of ProteinPlus penne has 10g protein, 2 oz of regular Barilla penne has 7g protein. You need to eat almost 2 servings to get the protein they advertise.
Anon
Bean and lentil pasta is great for boosting protein. In addition to Trader Joe’s, Banza and Explore Cuisine make some good ones.
I have been working with a registered dietitian and to boost my protein intake, she recommended I incorporate some high protein snack items like lupini beans (the Brami brand is pretty tasty) and roasted chickpeas. I also recommend the website lighter dot world and the Forks Over Knives meal planning app and recipes. Helpful resources for making sure you are getting adequate nutrients on a vegetarian or vegan diet.
getting there
Do you eat nuts, seeds, and/or beans?
Also consider other sources of dairy, nonfat milk or low- or non-fat cheese.
Eggs can be eaten at many different textures, fwiw – would you like them in a breakfast muffin, for example, with oats, nuts, and dried fruit? Just an idea.
Keep trying! I actually have a “Biggest Loser” show cookbook and it’s very helpful with trying new tastes and textures, as is WeightWatchers or whatever it is called now. I mean, the recipes and techniques and serving ideas… they really know their audience! (me!)
anon0321
I’m also a picky vegetarian (but I do eat eggs!). We live on garbanzo beans. Roasted are super good.
TheElms
I like Premier Pro protein shakes in vanilla. I’m currently pregnant and my nutritionist and OB ok’d them. They have 30g of protein and only 160 calories.
Anon
https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/quite-possibly-the-best-chickpeas
These chickpeas, cooked from dry, are so much better than canned. Eaten with the cooking liquid they make a nice soup too. I cook them in the instant pot.
Anon
And then make delicious hummus out of them
https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/classic-chickpea-hummus
This is my favorite hummus recipe and it has no added oil (though it does have fat from the tahini). I usually have to add a little extra water to make it come together. I make it using a stick/immersion blender.
I love a lunch of hummus and roasted veggies.
Anonymous
It’s 2019, it’s time to stop being afraid of fat. If you are TTC you need fats in your diet.
https://www.ecowatch.com/why-grass-fed-butter-is-one-of-the-healthiest-fats-on-the-planet-1882015252.html
Lobbyist
PB 2 is a powdered peanut butter with the fat removed. You can add it to oatmeal or add water to it and use it like peanut butter.
Anon
Picky eaters get some shade but they might just be better at tasting things than the rest of us mortals
https://www.thecut.com/article/picky-eater-you-might-be-a-supertaster.html
getting there
Nice take. I recall a similar article where a woman was so sad she couldn’t relate to her dad’s wine-loving personality. Turned out she was a super-taster and mellower beers were just what she enjoyed more while the wines he loved and tasted different notes of were almost painful in her mouth.
Anon
I loved that wine related article! I shared it with my friend who is a notoriously picky eater (he’s 50 – he’s not going to change now) and he related so much to it.
JuniorMinion
Tough love from a powerlifter who also wants to eat all the cheese and call it “protein” but simultaneously wants to build muscle and lower my bodyfat %…
High protein items, if you are trying to stay in a caloric deficit, are those that have more than 10g of protein for every 100 calories. Beans and lentils are great foods but are primarily a carb source and you would have to eat way too many calories of them to get to an acceptable protein hurdle without other protein centric items in a meal. Nuts and cheese are primarily a fat source.
Couple ideas for you:
Baked goods with greek yogurt / cottage cheese. I’ve made pancakes before with cottage cheese, ground oats and pumpkin base with some vanilla / pumpkin pie spice.
Different kinds of yogurt (icelandic skyr etc) that might have different textures – there is also drinkable skyr which I have not tried
Nutritional yeast
PB2 (the powdered peanut butter) – higher protein / lower fat than peanut butter
Spirulina
Plant based collagen peptides
Protein powders
You asked about protein powders / supplements. There is a lot of BS out there but there are some good manufacturers that I trust. I like optimum nutrition and anything by cytosport (muscle milk makers – costco has a version by same mfg). Key is you want at least 20g of protein and at most 150-160 calories per serving of protein powder. Ideally, looking at the label, most of the stuff in it should be protein and there should be minimal (<5g) carbs and fat unless you are specifically getting a blend that is designed to include carbs.
Anon
You can easily get tens of grams of protein a day from eating lentils – a cup of cooked lentils has 24g of protein. Lentil curry, lentil pasta, lentil soup are all easy ways to consume at least one cup. Milk is also fine to drink on a diet if you want to fit it in, the fat content doesn’t matter. What you want to avoid are simple carbs (white flour, pasta, chips), sugary foods, and caloric drinks (milk is technically a food) because they’re all empty calories. Whole fruit is ok, but eating too much isn’t ideal because it doesn’t much protein in it.
Also Vegetarian
Others have given you great ideas, but I want to second swapping your standard carbs for more protein-y carbs. Barilla high protein pasta, chickpea pasta (I like Banza), and low carb tortillas (Mission brand white tortillas) are all great swaps that taste good.
If its not too processed for you, seitan (“wheat meat”) is amazingly dense in protein. It’s just the protein out of wheat. One standard package (8 oz) has 50 g protein for only 300 calories. Use it in a stir fry and its awesome.
For protein powder, I buy “orgain protein and greens” from costco, as well as Fage Total 0%, and the frozen 3-berry mix. 100 g yogurt, 30 g scoop of protein powder, 140 g berries, and enough water to blend it is a 240 calorie shake with 32 g protein. You could swap milk for the water if you want more protein. It’s a good way to sneak yogurt in while not dealing with texture issues.
Anon
Doesn’t really answer your question but just something to consider. My friend was ethically vegetarian but realized that her self-described picky eating was causing her issues TTC. She decided to venture into what she considered ethical meat eating. She purchased meat from local farmers/CSA’s where she knew the animals were raised humanely and butchered humanely.
LittleBigLaw
Someone please tell me where I can find button down bodysuits before I lose my mind! I’m tall and cannot keep a button down shirt tucked in to save my life. Halp!
RR
J. Crew has one now I think.
Anon
Try Tuxe – somebody recommended it to me and it’s work well.
Bette
They seem to be out of half of their styles…any idea how often they refresh their stock?
waffles
Rarely, unfortunately.
:(
PolyD
I think Loft had some, not sure if they still do.
tz
In the same vein, anyone have ideas for how to keep button-down shirts tucked in and flat?
DH has “suspenders” that attach from his boxers to his socks but i am looking for other options that people have tried
Z
I tuck button-downs into a pair of spandex bike shorts. It works pretty well for keeping everything in place, and you can find inexpensive spandex shorts in high-, medium-, and low-rise so that people won’t be able to see them under your pants/skirt.
AnonPara
I actually think I saw some at Express last weekend…
LittleBigLaw
Thanks all!
Bahamas
SO and I are headed to the Bahamas – specifically, Marsh Harbor – for vacation. Any favorite restaurants, bars or must-dos while we are there? We’ve purposefully not planned a lot to do (looking for relaxation and quiet time), but now that it’s getting closer, I feel like it might be good to have a list of things we could do….
Anon
Beginning to plan a trip to the Bahamas for March. Would you mind sharing where you are planning to stay?
Anonymous
We have a family friend with a house south of Marsh Harbor, so we’re renting at a steep discount…I don’t think they post their house for renting publicly…
Anon
I have never stayed in Marsh Harbour but have hopped over to Hopetown from there on many occasions. I would recommend getting to both Hopetown (lighthouse, fun shopping, historical museum/cemetery) and Man O’War (Albury’s Sail Shop is a must). You can take a short ferry from Marsh Harbour to both. In my experience, the Bahamas is not really a place for fine dining but definitely try conch in all its many forms.
Anon
What are your recommendations to long lasting half and half alternatives? Half and half just doesn’t last long enough for my lifestyle but it’s definitely my creamer of choice as I like my coffee a very light brown. Milk/almond milk doesn’t get it light enough. I am not interested in coffee mate or anything along those lines. I’d rather not buy every milk alternative to try so was so was hoping someone had any suggestions
January
Coconut milk is tasty. I switched back to half and half, though.
Honestly, you might just have to commit to buying half and half every week or so.
anon
Organic whole milk. Or maybe organic half and half? I switched to organic milk specifically because I live alone and it is more pasteurized than non-organic so lasts longer.
anne-on
+1 to organic, it lasts longer, I swapped to that when I was single and traveling all the time, I couldn’t use up my regular milk before it turned. Or if you don’t mind the calories, heavy whipping cream lasts forever.
Anonymous
Ultra-pasteurized half and half lasts forever. I buy Target’s house brand, lasts long enough for me to actually use it up!
Anonymous
Macadamia nut milk is a little thicker than almond milk, that might work for you.
embees
When you buy half-and-half, can you pour part of it into a smaller container and freeze? Then pull that out in a week or two when you’ve finished the first part. You’ll have to shake/wisk/stir it to reintegrate the fat.
KonMari Addict
If you haven’t tried organic half and half, give it a try. I find it lasts 3+ weeks in my fridge. Don’t put in in the door!
Anon
My husband buys the little mini moos (single serving half and half) for this reason. I’m on the west coast and they have boxes of them at Safeway, so not hard to find.
Chris on Long Island
I do this too. Also available from Amazon (of course!)
Anonymous
Wouldn’t those equal a lot of plastic a la k-cups, thus just creating a different waste problem?
Anon
I hear you. They’re a lot thinner than k cups but we are not perfect. We use trash bags too. Trying to cut down on ziplocks and plastic wrap, and I ALWAYS take my reusable bags to the grocery. We do what we can.
Anon
Have you tried almond condensed milk? I’ve just discovered it at my grocer (Kroger). It is much thicker and denser than regular creamer and could fit the bill. It’s shelf stable, doesn’t even need to be refrigerated (at least my brand doesn’t)
MKB
My husband and I switched to oat milk (Oatly is the brand) over the summer, initially because we wanted to have a long-lasting backup in the fridge for when we ran out of dairy… but we decided we prefer the oat milk for coffee, because it’s creamy and very slightly sweet.
anon0321
Having a bummer day- my husband is an essential unpaid fed and I just got work my company is going bankrupt and I’m like 100 years pregnant. We have unfortunately been through layoffs before w/ big law and make sure to be financially prepared for these very situations, tg, but it feels like every time we get our footing, something crappy happens, even though we’ve always tried to do everything “right.” Just feeling down and hormonal.
getting there
Been there – laid off in 2008 when I was pregnant and then for 2nd kid in 2015, I was working but husband lost his job. It is up and down and I agree – you feel s c r e w e d. Recently I have been reminded – you never know what’s going on behind someone else’s new car/ home renovation/expensive vacation/ child’s activities. We’ve all been there, you’ll get through it, focus on health insurance for you and the kid(s)
CHL
So sorry to hear this! It sounds like a really challenging time + the added stress of hormones. No advice but thinking of you.
Blueberries
That sounds super frustrating, anon 0321. Hugs.
anon
I’m sorry. sometimes, I feel this way too (one of us joins a company, is less than one year and senior teams are laid off! we finally get a breath and someone kicks out our knees too).
for us, we have been t t c for nearly 7 years and rounds of IVF were ruined by wrong/no medication from a dr or bad scheduling or what have you.
sometimes, it feels like we’re offloading and others on a freshly paved highway without tolls.
I’m sorry. I try to remember that everyone gets their own ‘offloading’ even if we can’t see it and the brightest minds have used this to improve or pivot to something not even in your view right now.
lots of love for you both now. one day, you’ll look back t what you thought was the end of your rope and be grateful
Rainbow Hair
Oof I’m sorry, that is rough.
Do you have a friend you can chill with today, like just to get some hugs and baked goods? <3 <3 <3
anon0321
Thanks guys these notes meant a lot.
Anonymous
How do you come up with original ideas and creative solutions? I work in a stereotypically logic and procedure focused field (law) but am finding that some of the best/happiest client outcomes and volunteer group results are coming from someone’s “out of the box” idea. I read a lot of business and negotiation books to learn new techniques, but all of my ideas stem from someone else. I’m OK with this, but also wonder if there’s a part of my brain I haven’t tapped into to come up with original things rather than “oh, client Z did 123, let’s try that with client A” or “I heard about this idea, let’s try it”.
Suburban
Do you have friends or family in different industries? I’m in a volunteer group with my dad and his “undorthodox” problem solving is really great in that context. I’m a lawyer and he’s not and I sometimes think he’s unhindered by rules and logic, if that makes sense. Sometimes I’ll find myself wondering what he would do, and then working backwards, to see if it’s feesable, ethical and legal, instead of starting with those constraints.
Anon
Go for long walks and listen to classical music or jazz. That works for me.
anon
cross pollination. try to read books and articles outside of your realm.
also, nothing is new under the sun. uber is an app to get a cab. many ideas are cross pollinations, consolidators or (opposite) specialists.
I recommend reading the business model generation book and writing 100 models (it’s tough but so great for unsticking!), and then writing some for your current clients.
getting there
Do you hang out with kids at all? Kids are so weird and make no sense. My oldest is 10 and he’s still like this. Get some “kidspective” in your life along with more humor, different creative outlets, movies, art, music, etc.
Rainbow Hair
Cut yourself some slack though! Like Anon106 says, “new” ideas are just an old idea applied in a new way. “Client X had Y situation and did Z. Now Client A has B situation, what if we tried Z anyway?!” — that may very well be creative/out of the box thinking.
But/also, I will never not recommending a creative hobby. One of my favorite feelings is when something is hard and doesn’t make any sense (how do I sew a collar into a dress without some ugly back part showing somewhere?!) suddenly clicks! I’m certainly not inventing anything new, but my brain is stretching in new ways.
CHL
If your city has something like an “Ideas Week” or other opportunity to see different speakers or participate in labs, try those? I started going to an annual Design Thinking Workshop through our city’s Ideas Week and it’s great to connect with totally different people and try out new techniques for thinking.
Anonymous
If one was interested in adding more pescatarian takeout to my diet, where would you look? For a variety of reasons, I’m not in a position to do much/any cooking, but following a recent trip to Iceland, with its amazing seafood and fresh foods, I’d like to improve my diet at least a couple nights a week. Are there restaurants nationwide that might work? How would I find local options? Do Trader Joes / Whole Foods have good freezer meal options? Washington DC metro area if that helps.
Anonymous
TJs has a frozen scallop dish in a creamy sauce that I really like. Eat by itself or toss with pasta/grain of choice. I like their frozen seafood medley, though it requires a little bit of cooking. I thaw it under lukewarm water (takes a couple of minutes), then sautee it with some oil/garlic while my pasta cooks and throw it all together.
Anon
If you’re near a Sprouts or a Wegmans (I know there’s some in the DC burbs) they both have deliscious and healthy prepared foods! Usually cheaper than take out but more expensive than cooking for yourself. Some are prepped and you jusy physically cook them, others are cooked and you just have to heat up.
Owl Lover
Alternatively Krogers or Meijers (If you are in the midwest), both have fantastic prepared options.
Anonymous
Sushi.
DLC
I feel like a lot of fish in restaurants is smothered in salt and butter, and while tasty is not terribly healthy.
I think the healthiest and freshest take-out fish would be sushi, as long as you supplement it and don’t fill up on the rice. Japanese restaurants also have a broiled/ roasted fish option. A lot of other Asian restaurants have fish/seafood options, though, again, you need to watch out for how it’s prepared.
You could also get the smoked salmon from the grocery store- we often do simple meals of smoked salmon on wheat crackers with a little cream cheese.
Jules
The Whole Foods where I live usually has plain, grilled salmon in its prepared food/deli section.
Anonymous
yes and you can get it by the pound or as a chef’s plate adding two sides
Anon
Can someone talk to me about nude-colored booties?
The only bootie I’ve ever found that works for my fussy feet is the Aquatalia Frieda. I have in black. It fits my orthotic, I like how it looks, I could walk a mile in it etc. I actually bought it on a recommendation from this board just over a year ago (a recommendation in the comments, not the featured post) and I found a killer deal. I’ve been really happy with it.
The only other color I can find it in is a light tan, basically nude color. How would this work? What would you wear it with? I’m trying to imagine it with jeans, for instance, and I’m just getting a mental image of a tall girl in dark wash jeans with giant, long, bare feet.
With nude tights and a skirt?
With gray?
Your thoughts?
Anon
*aquatalia Freida
Anonymous
I like my nude booties with gray tights and a light skirt, even tan wool or gray. There is contrast but I think it works.
S in Chicago
I get probably just as much use out of my nude colored boots as I do my black ones. They’re what I turn to whenever I’m wearing jeans with a top or jacket in navy, purple, green or pink–colors that traditionally seem weird to me with black shoes. I also wear them with dresses in these colors sometimes, too. Just pair with light gray tights.
Anon
Looking for recommendations for fleece lined leggings.
PolyD
Kohls has good ones, I think they are the Apartment 9 brand, something like that.
FYI, I ordered some fleece leggings from Walgreens and they ran SO SHORT. I’m 5’3″, about 135 lbs. Got them in S/M and they barely came to my calves. So, size up if you go with these. The Kohls ones fit normally, according to their size chart.
Anon
I have polartec ones from athleta and they’re incredibly warm. They’re expensive, but I wait for sales.
Anonymous
+1
I’ve had mine for 3 years and they get significant wear every winter and they still look great.
Anon
I got some for $5 at Safeway. (Yes, the grocery store.) Comfy and perfectly fine for what I use them for – winter movie nights :)
Delta Dawn
I got a two-pack on Amazon for about $15 or so. I dont recall the brand, but it was one of the first that came up when I typed fleece lined leggings. They have a high waist control top that may not be for everyone but that I LOVE.
Anon
I got some great ones from Target a few years ago. They are the C9 brand. Great for running and being outdoors in the winter.
Anonymous
Either that dress is too short or that blazer is too long. I can’t figure out which from the photo
Anon
I think it’s fairly obvious the dress is way, way too short.
anon
I was late to post yesterday, but for anyone who has had a toxic female boss, I’d love to hear from you as I am looking to write up something to help others. I recently left an abusive gas lighting situation and I am stunned by the amount of others in same place.
___so sorry to be late to this party.
All of my female bosses were bullies, to the extent that it caused issues for me outside of work (and while I’m not a tough chick, I’m no wilting flower).
to the extent that I’ve heard so many echoes of bullying – at a PERSONAL level – from my network who stepped forward after a rough time, that I’ve chosen to collect others’ stories and write a book on how to address this behavior (and not call HR; doesn’t work when HR is *in the room while this woman is screeching at the top of her lungs* at me. my crime? not guaranteeing there would not be layoffs {we knew they were coming, I stuck to the party line}).
I’d love to hear from you about any queen bee experience you might have had:
please email me at no more queen bees at the g mail . c o m (no spaces in email address)
I’d be honored to hear your stories, and keep any info anonymous.
Thank you and best of luck to those in tough situations!
Anon
So you’re going to write a book tearing down female leadership? No thanks.
Anon
Yeah I agree. For the record, I’m a female boss, my staff like me (seriously, we are friends) and my best boss ever was female.
anon
interesting.
seriously, how would it work if your female staff didn’t like you – or at least didn’t have to pretend to?
how would you feel if your boss expected you to be her/his friend and you had different values?
Anon
Yeah what?? There are a-holes and abusive bosses of every color and gender. Why do we have to make this a woman thing? If you believe all your female bosses were bullies, I suspect it’s a you thing not a female boss thing.
anon
wow. CLAWS OUT!
yes, there are abusive bosses of every stripe and ways to deal with many of them. for female to female aggression in a male dominated field, there is less advice, less protection and LOTS OF JUDGEMENT! in my field, the men just ignore women if they don’t like them. being targeted for personal characteristics and not work performance is something else entirely.
let’s get some more gavels in here, suddenly we have a lot of judges!!!
Anon
Troll elsewhere.
Nope
A woman disagreeing with you does not merit a sexist “CLAWS OUT” retort. The catfight concept is passe. Bye troll.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, no.
anon
says the woman who never had a female boss.
in some areas, women are put in spots that are ‘awful but not illegal’. a female boss making fun of your female team member’s plain black suit. harassing her over an accent that is barely noticeable. being upset that she is not always agreeing, deferring, and flattering her the way your boss likes. “forgetting” to invite her to meetings, putting her down in front of others for work that isn’t even in her team. pretending she doesn’t exist by checking her phone, walking away or talking to someone else when she is approached/greeted or in a meeting with your staff member.
it’s all TOTALLY LEGAL.
now, you are this woman’s boss. this woman has 20 years of good to great reviews. she is on time and does good to great work. she has been seeing crying in the bathroom. she told a colleague she has nightmares.
HR tells you that you are wrong, your team member is wrong. she is selected for the next round of layoffs.
you haven’t been there. for those that have, it’s brutal.
I’m not interested in justifying this further, if it’s not for you and you believe ALL WOMEN ARE WONDERFUL, rock on.
Anonymous
There are options between ‘all women bosses are awful’ and ‘all women are wonderful’. Women are people. Men are people. Some are great bosses, some are medicore bosses, some are awful bosses. Learning to deal with a difficult boss is a common workplace challenge. One that has been discussed here many times.
Senior Attorney
Wow, OP.
I know we recommend this all the time, but… therapy.
S in Chicago
Seriously offensive. I wouldn’t want to read something like this just as I wouldn’t want to read a book on “navigating” gay bosses or black bosses or any other grossly prejudiced way of viewing a boss. Navigate a toxic environment, fine. But don’t navigate a class of people. For the record, I’ve had good and crummy female leaders throughout my career.
Ellen
As a female boss, I take acception to someone who would write a book basheing me and peeople like me just b/c I am a female? No thank you! We in the hive have enough to contend with, with men grabbing our tuchuses and boobies, so why would we objectify ourself just b/c this woman wants to make money by writing a book about it? NFW, dad says and he is right. I am not a bimbo and do not want to be used for entertainment purposes of men who would read the book and then say I am a bimbo. FOOEY on that!
Anonymous
Was confusing punctuation one of their complaints?
I don’t understand the _, *, }, ) variations used above.
anon
WOW! anon at 105, did you even read what I posted?
I am a female, I have direct and indirect reports, some of which were women and POC. Both they and I have been gas lighted by a woman who was my boss. going to HR was not the solution as you were then targeted for layoff.
Luckily you may not have been in this situation, and I would hope no one else is.
*However*, the terms queen bee and bully exist for a reason. I have found my direct, a WOC in TEARS after an encounter with this woman.
If HR won’t report it as an issue, how can I protect this woman (20 years of experience, good at what she does) for being picked on over non work items? She has better hair so this woman should be allowed to rage at her and put her in line for firing? Because she is Indian, she should be subjected to abuse? She was blocked from transferring out and was basically a sitting duck – for no work/performance related issue.
Not your experience? That’s cool. For others, it’s reality where they can do nothing right and have a mortgage, kids and may not have a partner. I’m writing to reach out to them and teach them how to navigate these situations.
Annonnnn
You’re missing Anon at 1:05’s point. No one is disputing that you or your employee have had these experiences. No one is disputing that your current female boss is not a good one.
What some of us are taking issue with is that there are toxic bosses of both genders and by writing only about toxic female bosses, you are perpetuating the stereotype which does NOTHING to help excellent female bosses (I am one too – perhaps not excellent yet, but certainly not toxic).
anon
thank you for your comment.
I disagree. I see your point and agree that are stereotypes, and that some may seize on this to underline their points.
I believe there is a LOT out to promote EXCELLENT leadership of any gender.
if women are harassed now by their male bosses, there is a path. if you are harassed by another woman, there is nothing illegal about it.
I have seen great talent leave a firm or a workforce (one retired early because she was a single mom and couldn’t afford to lose the retirement – she could have otherwise grown it).
I believe that if we pretend it doesn’t exist, there will continue to be women who, as one of the posts yesterday said “would never work for another woman”. that’s deeply sad. I’m a female leader, and some of my team members are too.
Yet, there exists women who are supported/allowed/encouraged to demean, demoralize and demote/fire other women.
if I had an enemy, I would not wish this treatment upon them.
pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t help the women I’ve seen (and some of whom I’ve bene able to help).
Anonymous
“if women are harassed now by their male bosses, there is a path. if you are harassed by another woman, there is nothing illegal about it”
This is not a thing. Harrassment is illegal. Doesn’t matter is the pepetrator is male of female.
Honestly, if your workproduct is as poorly written and illfounded as your arguments here, I am starting to understand why your bosses dislike you.
anon
“if women are harassed now by their male bosses, there is a path.”
False, UNLESS it’s ‘on the basis of s3x,’ i.e., s3xual harassment. There is no specific “path” for a female employee to handle a male employee who is being a jerk to her or damaging her career unless it fits into the definition of s3xual harassment developed in Title VII case law. A male boss being a jerk to you or undermining you or whatever is NOT ILLEGAL. You need to brush up on s3x discrimination case law.
You’ve obviously had a bad experience, but this is prob the wrong audience if you want to crowd-source stories about how women bosses suck.
Anonymous
If you don’t understand why calling a woman a “queen b*tch” is problematic then we can’t help you.
anon
no one said queen b*tch, before you.
if you don’t understand that some women target others – unfairly, illegally and without accountability, then there’s nothing you can say to be of use.
I have seen smart, talented women laid off for no work related reasons. In one bank, 7 senior women quit before midyear. the remaining 18 left by January (17 found other roles, one retired). Those 17 left pensions behind. That will impact their retirement.
read yesterday’s posts. women are affected by mean bosses of both genders. however, there is less help when the boss is also female – it’s legal.
sorry your limited view cannot imagine it.
Annonnnn
WTF are you talking about?
NO ONE is saying there are no bad bosses. But if your boss is toxic and creating a hostile work environment, you have the same remedies. A woman can also sexually harass another woman, btw. Is it more common for a man to $EXUALLY harass a woman? Yes. But the path to remedy a hostile work environment has nothing to do with the boss’s gender.
I had a toxic female boss in the same office as a toxic male over all boss. I complained to HR about THEM BOTH. HR couldn’t have cared less. That’s an HR problem, not a path to remedy problem. If you can’t get help from the institutional systems that are put in place to help you, you need to find a new job. Which is what I did.
Anonymous
Are you this difficult at work? Literally no one is saying “Because she is Indian, she should be subjected to abuse”.
The issue is not that you have a bad boss. It sounds like she is a bad boss. The issue is that you have decided to write a book which stereotypes female bosses as bad bosses.
anon
how is to stereotype ALL female bosses? you’re bringing your own assumptions.
it is what to do when you are in a bad situation. if you want to ASSUME what I’ve written or pour vitriol – your choice.
I have had experiences of having to protect my female staff from a woman’s racism, have you? do you know how to go about it if you did? If your boss needed to protect you, could she? my last boss was female, white and gay. she brought ideas and life to work, and the team felt she was fair even when they disagreed with her. she was harassed out of her job. some of the team was witness to remarks against her lifestyle and her. seems illegal, but the company paid her off and she didn’t have enough in writing. was it fair? no. was there something she could have done? she told me she wished she knew more earlier.
Apparently, I’m a villain today. ok. But life isn’t fair, let’s stop pretending otherwise.
Anonymous
Try re-reading your own OP. I’m shocked you’ve been gainfully employed anywhere if you’re constantly aggressive and disinterested in anyone’s views that do not immediately agree with your own. You also exhibit a lot of ‘black and white’ thinking (anyone who disagrees with you is making you the villian/the claws are out for your etc etc) which is a classic sign of depression. Depression is some also presents as inappropriate anger which you appear to exhibit in a number of your responses. You may wish to be evaluated to see if your toxic workplace has resulted in mental health issues that should be addressed.
Anon
It sounds like you have a problem with bad bosses/workplaces in general.
Anon
Maybe your inability to hear what other people are saying is what is contributing to your difficulty in getting along with others.
Anon
OP: oh so gently, you may need to work on cleaning up your writing. I found your post and your reply at 1:19 very hard to follow. Perhaps back off some of the emphasis punctuation? It’s rarely actually needed and clutters up text. Also, consider eliminating some of your hard paragraph returns.
FWIW, I have had five direct bosses in 10 years. Two terrible ones, both female; two great ones, both male; and one okay one, male. I attribute my poor experiences more to a combination of generation and gender. I am an old millennial, they were both boomers.
Anon
I retract my “oh so gently.” Your tone is defensive and aggressive. Work on your writing; it’s not good.
Anonymous
Actually Anon at 1:38’s punctuation and writing style are much more clear and coherent than yours.
anon
you are correct. I am defensive – I’ve seen terrible things happen to great women. I remain haunted by layoffs of good talent that were targeted in my very aggressive, very male industry. I was shocked to learn these women had no protection. I feel sorry that I didn’t know how to protect them then. I wish this never happened to anyone but I’m not willing to pretend anymore.
I have heard others: the woman who felt other races were vile, and should not be employed in the US; the many women who were crying in the bathroom; the women who came to me and asked how they should handle the new boss who attacks them.
it sounds like I am not alone, and the topic yesterday was about just this. yet, I am the villain today? ok. that’s fine by me.
oh so gently: thanks for the notes. I see your retraction. either way, I hope you’re working for a great boss now, and I hope she’s a woman.
Annonnnn
OH FFS. This happened in my toxic work environment equally across boss’s genders and employee genders. Men were throwing up before work, men and women alike were in therapy, everyone was on anti-anxiety meds. IT WAS AN HR PROBLEM NOT A FEMALE BOSS PROBLEM.
Anon
Go away. You are all over this board being aggressively defensive and no one is agreeing with you. Give it up.
Another anon
Yeah, OP, you honestly sound a little unhinged.
anonymouslee
I could use some advice from the thoughtful ladies on this board. My awesome SIL recently had a long-wished-for baby, but found out in the process that she will be unable to have any other children. She and my BIL have both been very vocal for as long as I’ve known them about wanting two children and wanting them to be very close in age.
My husband and I recently found out that we are expecting our second (a surprise, but a very happy and welcome one). Does anyone have any advice on how and when to share this news? I have no doubt that my SIL will be gracious and happy for us, but I want to avoid causing her any sadness if that’s possible. I also want to give her enough time and space to feel like everyone’s attention is on her new baby right now (I know people are capable of focusing on more than one thing at a time, but my MIL gets over-the-top excited about things and will jump into crazy baby-planning mode as soon as we tell her the news; my BIL is quite self-centered and will think we are stealing his thunder no matter what we do). Should we tell her separately ahead of a larger family announcement? Wait until a little later than the traditional end-of-first trimester? One thought I had was to announce it to family once we’ve found out the gender so we can announce that at the same time in a low-key way (my SIL had a huge gender reveal for hers and my husband’s family tends to do big gender reveals – they aren’t my thing and we didn’t do one the first time either). Thank you for your thoughts!
anon
this is very thoughtful of you. i like the idea of announcing once you’ve found out gender so that it is one announcement instead of 2 separate announcements. do you all live in the same town? it sounds like you are not one for large announcements based on your decision not to have a big gender reveal party, though if you really really want one, you are allowed to have one, even though your sister-in-law cannot have another child
Anon
I would just wait a bit longer than normal – end of the fourth month, perhaps.
Yeah, people can share joy and all, but let her soak in the joy of her first baby before everyone’s attention jumps to your second baby.
anon0321
My SIL & I had back to back miscarriages & babies inbtwn (seemed like each of us was going through something for 2 straight years)– if you guys have a good relationship and are mature, there is enough room in her heart to be happy for you and also sad for herself- people are complex and can have complex feelings. I would tell her ahead of time that you are pregnant, that you are sensitive to what she is going through, and understand if she needs to not participate in any of the events/talk to you about certain because her own situation is to recent for her– just ask her to keep the lines of communication open with you. I don’t think this means you shouldn’t celebrate your own new child- it’s very exciting and that wouldn’t be fair to you, your baby, or your family. I would avoid saying how “easy it was” or how it was a surprise, that might burn her a little unnecessarily.