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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A pencil skirt is a great basic to have on hand for almost any office setting. This black-and-white printed skirt from Renee C is super versatile. Casual? Wear it with a tee and some comfy sneakers. Business casual? Add a short-sleeved sweater and some fun jewelry. Business formal? With a blouse and a blazer, you’re all set to go.
The skirt is $49.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes 1X–3X. It’s also available in straight sizes, but lucky sizes only!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
My boss is on medical leave for 6 weeks, her coverage plan was just to push everything important back 6 weeks (so she wouldn’t lose clients which tbh isn’t an unreasonable fear, her clients don’t like her, she just inherited them). Executives were not informed of this plan so I was the unfortunate messenger to tell them, and now I have to cover for all my boss’s work, which she will inevitably scream at me about when she gets back too.
Anon
Is there any way you can use this time to essentially step into your boss’s role and get promoted? I’m not saying overstep or try to take her position, but show that you can do the role.
OP
No I can’t take my boss’s role, for various reasons she’s unfireable. She’s a control freak and will completely lose it when she finds out I’ve been working with her clients.
Anon
I think FMLA protects termination during and right after a leave.
Anon
The Anon above wasn’t suggesting that she angle for her boss to be terminated. As I understand it, the plan is to do her boss’ job and show that she’s capable of moving up a level in the org. That puts her in prime position for a promotion down the line.
Cat
yes this exactly – not literally trying to take over!
Anon
Yes, no one else read this as literally take over the boss’ role, but rather for the OP to show she’s capable of being promoted.
Anonymous
Why is she unfireable? I can’t imagine anything except nepobaby but then her father/whomever would know about her leave. Just curious.
OP
We are union and not in the US, so unless boss were to do something illegal firing isn’t an option.
Anon
Many times when I hear this it’s because the person is part of multiple protected classes and the employer is afraid of being sued bc the emp’ee is someone who seems like a person who would fly off the handle when terminated.
Anon
This doesn’t make someone unfireable. Plenty of employers fire pregnant women and people who are members of other protected classes.
Anon
How would you word this situation in the community section of my online bio (attorney) – I’m currently board chair of County Branch of National Organization. County Branch is merging with Small Regional Branch of National Organization to form Larger Regional Branch of National Organization. I will become board Vice-chair of Larger Regional Branch of National Organization. FWIW my firm is big on community activities. I work in both the County that was the name of current organization and the region.
Anon
Sarah is the Chair of the Suffolk County branch of the American Bar Association and Vice Chair-elect of the Long Island branch of the ABA.
Alternately, try “Vice Chair effective Jan 2024.”
Velma
Curious if anyone is still wearing skirts like this? I had several knee-length knit skirts on frequent rotation for my business casual office c. 2015-18. I weeded the remaining ones out as we returned to the office post-pandemic.
I’m wearing more wide-leg pants and flared or pleated midi skirts now, along with a couple of longer slim skirts in sweater knits for cold weather.
Anonymous
Agree. I got rid of my skirts too except for a few pretty maxi, non-office versions. It’s so much easier to wear a dress and blazer or pants. The model in the post looks clumpy or something. I always thought that if the skirt “smiled” around the thigh area it was too small but I could be wrong.
Anonymous
She’s a plus size model with a slight tummy. That’s how clothes hang. It doesn’t make her “clumpy.”
Anonymous
Sorry did not mean to shade anyone’s body shape.
Trish
You didn’t shame her at all. The skirt doesn’t fit her properly whether due to cut or size.
Anonymous Grouch
The skirt is about 1/2 size too small on her. Tummy does not automatically equal pulling across the front like that if you buy for your largest measurement and get it tailored. Especially in a stretchy material with a pattern, you need to make sure the fabric is not actually being stretched to fit around you, or the pattern will be warped like it is here. The stretch is for comfort and movement, not to add those last two inches you need for it to fit.
Ellen
Plus sized women look better in A line skirts. Look at Kelley Clarkson! You won’t see her in a Pencil skirt anytime soon, and that’s fine by her. Even Lady Gaga wears A line skirts, and she could look good in a burlap sack!
Anon
You’re right. Clothes wrinkle indicating where the fabric us pulling and too small. I’m plus size and a sewist. A larger size to accommodate her stomach then taken in for her waist would hang better. This fit issue is common for women of all sizes. I saw a woman who probably wears a size 6 with this issue yesterday.
Anon
Agree it seems midi length looks more current.
Nina
I was thinking about this. I actually really liked some of the items from the Ann Taylor post yesterday but I have nowhere to wear them. I’ve been wearing either wide legged pants as you said, some from Madewell, or a couple work dresses I still have to the office.
Anonymous
I have also retired this lenght and shape skirt. I used to have a lot of above-knee pencil skirts from maybe 2007-2017? I think they can still be styled in a way that can feel classic and high-end, but mostly they now feel like a TV-show version of officewear to me, if that makes any sense.
The only ones I’ve kept to use are below-knee, almost midi-length and very high-waisted. They work with more volume and flow on top, like current cropped knits.
Anon
No – I have a ton still in my wardrobe but never wear them because they feel dated and constricting.
I wear trousers (mostly wide legged), dresses and a couple of pleated midi skirts. The only time I wouldn’t think of a pencil skirt as outdated is with a very formal skirt suit for court/interviewing. Even then I would only expect it in the most formal of settings.
Anon
+1, I also have so many in my closet that I wore from 2010-2015 but I haven’t seen anyone wearing skirts like this in a while. I should probably donate them at this point.
anon
I wouldn’t donate, if they are good quality and your weight is stable.
As everyone should know by now, trends change quickly now. This cut is classic – if it works on your figure – so you will be wearing it again. Especially if you are in your 20s/30s now, and work in a more formal work environment.
But for some of us, we have realized that this cut is not that flattering or comfortable or workplace appropriate. Or for with aging/hormonal changes, weight re-distribution and fluctuations – a perfectly tailored (and non-forgiving) pencil skirt at the knee is less desirable.
We are quickly reaching an “anything goes” era of fashion. There will continue to be trends, but rules have become much less strict for women, and for most workplace dress codes. We can figure out what works for our figures, and our needs, and our personal style. It’s nice!
anon
+1 to all of this. I no longer wear pencil skirts because I find them too constricting. But I used to like them, and in theory, they work well for my body.
I am here for the anything-goes era. Please, just let me dress for the body I have, not the one that I want.
Anon
“But for some of us, we have realized that this cut is not that flattering or comfortable or workplace appropriate. Or for with aging/hormonal changes, weight re-distribution and fluctuations – a perfectly tailored (and non-forgiving) pencil skirt at the knee is less desirable.”
This is why I donated mine. I am 100% sure skirts like this will come back into style at some point, because literally everything comes back around, sooner or later. But on me, they do not look at all the way they looked around 2010 or so. I am actually 10 lbs lighter than I was back then, but I got more serious about weightlifting in the last few years and went into perimenopause in earnest, so I have thicker thighs and a pooch belly I can’t seem to do much about. And my calves are thicker now. So the skirts went. If they come back on-trend, all the folks who still look good in them are welcome to the trend; I’ll sit it out.
Anon
I recently donated all my pencil skirts. I haven’t worn them since 2019, and I don’t see anyone else wearing them either.
Anon
Not with shoes like this! Loafers or flats with a tiny (1”) heel or flatforms, etc.
Cat
no – this was such a ubiquitous look in the early 2010s but most women in my office are wearing pants and flats.
Anonymous
Cat, don’t you work and live in Philly? Not sure I would look at office dwellers in Philly as a harbinger of trends or arbiters of style to be honest, so it’s not really that helpful a reference point.
Cat
wow, I hope that comment made you feel better about yourself! Even taking it at face value though, you could look at it as “wow even those hayseeds in Philly are over the pencil skirt” :)
Panda Bear
lol no kidding Cat! Poor, tragic Philly!
Anonymous
The 6th biggest city in the country is hardly nowhere!
Anon
WTF?!
Anon
Use a consistent handle if you’re going to come at a named poster, coward.
Anon
Oh come on, this was hardly “going at” anyone. Cat’s a big girl, she can handle it.
Explorette
Go away, you are not welcome here.
anon
I mean….think about the office environments in which many of posters work. I work in a midsized law firm. No one in the history of ever has ever considered lawyers, esp. in law firms, to be harbingers of trends or arbiters of style. Are “office dwellers” in any city harbingers of trends?
Anon
I’m seeing plenty of dresses, tons of pants, but virtually no skirts in the office now.
go for it
Yes, still wearing these in frequent rotation.
They are the most flattering skirt for my straight up and down figure.
Anne-on
+1 – I pulled out a pencil skirt for some days of in office meetings last month and was surprised at how flattering it was. For more formal days pencil skirts or straight leg slacks are just the easiest things to pair with blouses and it was WAY too hot for me to wear pants that week.
AIMS
Nope. This looks very dated to me. But I think that’s also the pattern?
Anon
This is a horrid rendition, with awful styling and a “come at me bro” pose.
Anonymous
Just when you think something will never come back, it does. So I am keeping my good quality pencil skirts.
anon
Of course.
I mean…. not that many styles of clothing exist!
Pencil skirts were popular every single decade since the 1950’s with Dior. They continue to vary with fabric/length/tailoring, and come in and out of fashion trends. And for some women, they are classic and forever, particularly for women’s formal workwear and a certain ladies who lunch and donate crowd.
I’m not personally a fan for me.
Trish
Yep. If they are selling it, it may be coming back.
Anon
I have one pencil skirt in a suiting material and one in a jersey or cotton mix knit thats a casual demin blue and white stripe. I think Ive worn a skirt in office twice since 2021.
I do have a casual summer office party coming up in a week. The casual pencil skirt may have to get a try on with a pair of casual keds slipon type shoes and a white T. First choice outfit is wide leg linen pants with a white T.
Ive always found myself selfconcious in pencil skirts. Size up to fit the hips and the waist is too big or length too long.
anon
Actually, that’s a great way to update a pencil skirt.
Anon
I do, with the following caveats: I live in flyover country where fashions are behind the times, I am a skirts person not a pants person, and my pencil skirts are all very high quality. Cheap pencil skirts tend to not look all that great on me: the cut is often too snug in some areas and too loose in others, and they show every figure flaw imaginable and then some.
Anon
I have kept my nicest skirts in this shape but moved them to my cedar closet. When/if pencil skirts come back around, I’ll evaluate if they look current enough to come back out.
Anon
It does look dated and I would not buy one now, but I’ve saved my favorite pencil skirts because I know they will come back in style in 5-10 years.
Anon
I still wear pencil skirts 1-2 times a week. I’m in-house counsel and never stopped going to the office full-time. The structure of my office means that I really don’t have many women that I would look to as “fashion peers”, so I really don’t worry too much about what is currently in style and I haven’t changed much since 2019. I find pants largely less comfortable and don’t want to wear dresses every day, and I really don’t care for flared skirts as professional wear. I like pencil skirts. Glad to see that new ones seem to be becoming available again.
Worried
I’m a skirt lover, and I don’t wear pencil skirts much anymore, though I have maybe one stored. I never really wore tight pencil skirts like the one here, but more skimming the body. I do wear shorter, a couple of inches above the knee skirts,( almost mini, but not that short) a couple of midi skirts and several pleated, flared, and a line skirts. I wear them all with cool sneakers in the summer and work in a casual environment. I find skirts easy to wear with sweaters/ boots/ tights combo especially on the winter. Having said all this, my skirts mostly have what I would describe as artsy prints and textures and colours that would be the focal point of an outfit.
Worried
I want to add to, that just like the look of skinny jeans has variations based on your body type and how tight they are, my definition of a pencil skirt (for how it looks on me) is usually one that is narrower and fitted, but this (just like skinny jeans) can look very different on various body types. I have an hour glass figure and a well fitting pencil skirt by definition, would be tighter or more fitted and restrictive on me, unless it is stretchy. I usually size up in skirts as I like them lower on my waist; by doing this, my hips make them read slightly a line, which I prefer.
I would still wear my ‘version’ or definition of a pencil skirt I liked if I still had them, but as I mentioned before, I tend to keep either artistic skirts or higher quality ones, and I never owned any good quality pencils. I also enjoy sewing skirts with expensive fabrics, such as silk, because a shorter skirt takes so little material.
Anon
I am, but I’m a 46 year old suburban government lawyer – and I’m cheap. My pencils are still in heavy rotation.
I’ll continue my lifelong quest of not being a trend-setter.
NYC Librarian
I like your style ethos!
anon
In general, this board seems to have a stick up its a$$ compared to what I see people wearing in real life. Are pencil skirts trendy? Not really. But I’d argue that most office wear isn’t trendy AND THAT’S FINE.
anon
Trendy to me = fast fashion/influencers trying to make $ by encouraging you to click and buy/same for fashion houses and magazines/will be out in a year or two/I’ll throw it away in a few years.
How so many young women have the time/money to constantly shop and then dispose of their clothing. Just unreal in my world.
I’m all for buying good quality, when you can afford it, that fits well and works for your body and lifestyle, and then adding interesting/timely touches as fashion evolves and introduces new things. But these days there are few new things. It’s all old being repackaged, with fewer rules and restrictions.
I am still so upset with myself for letting all of my Mom’s fabulous clothes from her youth go to the Salvation Army.
Anon
The time and money aspect of changing styles always amazes me, too. People here act like it’s a thing to wear something from 2019 – I’m still wearing things from 2009! It’s fine.
Cat
If I’m still shopping my closet from what I’ve bought over the last 8 years, might I wear a pencil skirt occasionally? Yes. Just like my 2018 tapered ankle pants are still in the rotation. But when shopping for new clothes am I interested in items that have a modern feeling? Also yes. So my shopping for fall is more about wider-legged pants and tailored tops, not buying more skinnies and drapey tops. Same goes for skirts.
Worried
+1 I shop my closet and it have some items that are 10 + years old. Items I keep for a long time or last a long time usually fit me and flatter me at different weights and times in my life. Over time, the clothes that live long in my closet are not trendy, but may cycle in and out of trends.
I read somewhere in an art journal, that items that have a print or colour or fabrication that appeals to the senses, are the perfect mix of not too busy, but not too plain— this goes for clothing and home design. Sure, when I buy new things, I may choose a new item based on what is available, and may be consciously or unconsciously influenced by trends, but an item that is beautiful for me,( and is comfortable, lasts) will stand stand the test of time.
Anonymous
I never wore skirts like this, regardless of whether they were considered ‘in’ or not because they don’t work on my body.
Anon
Yes but I am an attorney who is in court a lot and pencil shirts and a matching jacket are what a lot of jurors expect women attorneys to wear. (And a lot of judges, particularly the ones who are former military.) I sprinkle in dresses with blazers and pant suits but I am not buying a whole new wardrobe for people who want and expect me to look a certain way and are not concerned with how fashion forward I am.
I realize law (and particularly litigation) is the last bastion of business formal but those environments still exist.
Carla
I was looking a the “retirement rule” that you should have 1x your salary saved for retirement by age 30. And then 3x by age 40.
I’m 29
I have $70k in dedicated retirement accounts.
$30k in a brokerage account
About $50k in cash savings.
So technically I’ve reached the “1x” bar – if you count all of that money as retirement money and none of it as emergency fund or earlier-in-life savings. Idk if I will ever want a marriage or house etc but I’d like to have money for things like that.
I’m basically trying to figure out if I’m behind on retirement or not. I finished grad school 4 years ago and haven’t had a job with a 401k the whole time since, so frankly asking to have a full salary’s worth saved for retirement in 4 years seems like a big ask. The 2x by age 40 seems more doable, I’ll be earning money this whole time.
Anon
I’m also 29. I make about 80k and have about 55k in my retirement accounts and my total NW (I own no assets, so it’s all retirement / investments / savings) is 75k. I’ve always contributed to max my employer’s 401k match and have at times contributed more and at times have not.
Honestly, I don’t think any of my friends are on track for this. Most of my friends are either very high earners so while they have a lot in retirement, it’d be crazy for them to have 1x. Or, they’re low earners and just don’t have that much extra to throw at retirement.
Anonymous
I think you’re doing great! I think all the accounts count.
Anon
Yes, all accounts count!
Anon
At 29 we had no money in retirement accounts. My husband was a grad student and then postdoc barely making enough to live on and my savings were for a down payment (neither of us had an employer match). At 38, we have >$1M plus another $600k in home equity (our HHI is about $180k). Ideally you’d save a lot early to take advantage of compound interest, but I don’t know many people who had robust retirement savings in their 20s. You seem to be in a good position to me!
Anon
Also 29, 90k salary. Net worth when I did some phone calculatoring a couple weeks ago was about 200k. A combo of low debt, and nesting away income from working through hs and college has probably led to atleast 20-30k of that.
Do you have 401k now? If so, make sure you arnt leaving match money on the table, or leaving before youre fully vested.
When I see savings here talked about it definitely tilts towards joint incomes, mid to later career with corresponding higher comp. It feels harder to guage financial goals and savings among my peers. My bff has much higher school loans and a lower salary from working at a non profit. My cousins have middling careers, but expensive lifestyles and are set for life thanks to their fathers career.
Some of my peers at work are in the buying houses wedding and baby stage…I am not there, dont know if I ever will be, and feel behind them in comparison.
Anonymouse
In order to figure out if youre ‘behind’ or not, you need to determine what age you’d like to retire, how much you want to live on annually (70% of your current salary is a popular percentage), and an estimate of your life expectancy, then work backward from there. Everyone is different and 1x your salary by 30 might be a good benchmark for some and not others – esp if you have kids, a spouse, a trust fund, unique health expenses, own your home outright, etc. etc.
Also even if youre ‘behind’ now, you have 30+ working years to play catch up! Many people went to grad school in their 20s and didn’t start seriously saving until their late 20s and early 30s (im also in this boat and playing catch up) but by the time they’re in their 40s they were where they needed to be.
It also might be time to start looking into job that has better retirement benefits if possible.
Carla
Oh I mistyped that – I’ve had a 401k for the last 2 years, but before that I did not.
I was trying to use those online retirement calculators but couldn’t find one that took into account the fact that my income is likely to rise. I’ll just have to do it out myself I guess.
Anon
I think the 1x and 3x guidelines don’t factor in that lifestyle in retirement may not match your working years salary lifestyle.
Anon
That could be true in either direction though. If you have a modest lifestyle when young, you might need more money in retirement due to healthcare/nursing home expenses.
Anon
For sure. At 30 I was barely scraping by so having 1x my salary stashed away was not possible if I wanted to do things like eat. Now in my mid-40s, I earn significantly more and do max out retirement contributions but since I am paying for kids’ college tuition out of pocket, 3x my current salary was also not achievable if we still wanted to eat. But we also have not succumbed to lifestyle creep commensurate with the increase in earnings, so I expect by 50 our income and expenditures will have settled a bit and the total multiple I have saved will be more in line with guidelines. It’s the tortoise approach.
Anonymous
This reads like a humblebrag.
Alarm
I am looking into a small alarm/night light that I can use… has anyone has had the hatch/would recommend?
NaoNao
I like the Hatch but not for use as a nightlight. I love it for the gradual wakeup and wind-down functions but mine doesn’t really have a “nightlight” function unless you count the glow of the numbers on the clock!
Anon
+1 I have the $30 Amazon version of the Hatch and I love it for the wake up light but don’t think it’d work well as a nightlight. It’d be too bright!
Anon
My favorite “night light” is an orange LED alarm clock I found at Walgreens about 20 years ago. I long since stopped using it as an actual alarm (I use my phone for that) and keep it solely because the orange numbers don’t wake me up or ruin my night vision like blue or green ones, and don’t creep me out like red ones do. The numbers also have a high/med/low switch and the low setting is the perfect level to act as a night light.
Pale girl snorkeling
A friend found suggested Haiku bags and I am in love. I have the Stride Wristlet, https://haikubags.com/collections/crossbody-bags/products/stride and its the best thing ever. Makes an easy cross body, and a great wristlet/clutch to carry around work. I also got the convertible To Go 2.0 which works best as a smaller backpack. Fits my ipad and plenty of other stuff extremely well and just held up to a 24 hour train trip packed to the max. I got them both in the berry color which is so pretty. I really like the sustainable and women owned aspects of the company. They have waist bags too, and my friend who gave me the rec loves her big bag for office working days.
Anon
Thanks, I’ve been looking for something like this!
anon
I got a dress that isn’t mine from the dry cleaners. Just curious – what are the chances it makes it back to its owner once I return it?
bird in flight
What’s the alternative? Of course you take it back.
Anon
You take it back, it’s rightful owner will come in looking for it and they’ll hopefully be keeping an eye out for the rightful owner.
Anon
The chances are high? The owner comes and describes the dress, the dry cleaner says ‘oh yes! The one that got mixed up!’. Obviously return it
AIMS
Why wouldn’t it make it back? Someone will likely look for their missing dress and cleaners will know you returned something that wasn’t yours and that someone else will be missing.
Cat
Pretty high – take it back!
Anonymous
Just bring it back and forget about it. Once you return it whether it gets back to the rightful owner or not is not your problem.
Anon
Very high. I have been on both ends of this, and I received my dress a week or so later, and the dry cleaner actually recognized the item that was not mine and knew whose it was. Dry cleaners know their clients’ clothes pretty well.
Anon
Chances are much higher than if you don’t take it back.
Anonymous
Unless it’s a terrible business, very high. The woman is likely at the cleaners demanding her dress or asking them to pay for it, the owner or an employee is apologizing profusely, someone is writing a huge note with her phone number on it and taping it to the front desk, etc.
Anonymous
Why is this even a question? Of course you return it, for the owner’s sake as well as the dry cleaner’s.
Anon
To be fair, she didn’t ask if she should return it. She plans to already.
Anonymous
If she wasn’t thinking about keeping it the. why would she even ask?
Anon
How can I learn to not take failure or a rejection personally? I’m a typical overachiever who was raised believing I could have or do anything through hard work. As an adult, I consciously realize there’s a lot more to it but I still am very hard on myself. I’m job searching now, and this anxiety shows up with taking a no really personally. I realize maybe they had an internal candidate or a friend, but I keep feeling like I did or said something wrong. I tend to rehash every aspect of an interview to find what I could have done better. I did several sessions with a career coach due to this anxiety, and she told me I was doing everything right. I try to recognize I’m lucky to be getting interviews, but the lack of offers has me convinced that I’m making mistakes in those interviews. I’m on edge and my DH notices it, causing stress in our relationship. Yesterday he told me to stop being so negative. Any suggestions for dealing with this situation?
anon
Maybe it’s time to try a few sessions with a therapist, rather than a career coach? Do you think you have an underlying anxious personality that could do with a tone down?
But I have to say, job hunting can be brutal and what you are experiencing is extremely stressful. And it is kind of unhelpful when people around you tell you things like “be more positive!”, in such scenarios.
Sorry, that isn’t very useful.
Just know you aren’t the only one going through this.
anonmi
The main thing that helped me with this was getting experience as a member of interview teams and eventually as a hiring manager. When interviewing external candidates for a role, the selection process isn’t personal. Like you said, maybe an internal candidate materialized, or one of the other candidates just had a stronger background or specialized skill that would fit the role. I’ve certainly interviewed people who were not qualified for a role, or who totally bombed the interview for various reasons, and even then, rejecting them is not some measure of their worth as a person or even as an employee.
Job searching is mentally taxing. I agree with the other commenter that you may want to work with a therapist for a couple sessions to manage your emotions around the whole process so when you show up for an interview, you’re able to present your best self and not be a ball of anxiety.
Good luck with your job search!
AIMS
This. So much goes into any one decision. Try to view things from other people’s perspective. I think this is one of the greatest gifts from reading way too many novels growing up.
IL
+1 I find reading fiction so helpful for being able to distance myself from things.
anon
This, exactly. These are definitely not clear-cut decisions. I recently chose between two candidates who both absolutely could’ve done the job. The one I picked had a skill set slightly different from the rest of team’s, allowing us to diversify a bit and better serve our clients. The other candidate was strong, but was so similar to the others that I felt like the first choice would help us “move forward” rather than just keep plugging away. But had he turned it down, I would’ve gladly hired the other.
It’s not you. Job searching is hard. And there are so many twists and turns happening behind the scenes that the seeker is never privy to. Decisions are rarely personal.
Anon
If they interview 10 people and hire one, do you think that nine people did something wrong, or do you think that maybe the one person was more qualified and had more specific skills? Maybe the hired candidate worked for their biggest customer or was a JD/MBA.
NaoNao
One way to turn it around is to ask yourself if the beating yourself up and going over every detail and perseverating is helping anything. You want to do things that *help* your circumstance, right? Worrying and replaying things often feels like helping or doing something, but in reality it’s likely making things worse.
When it comes to husbands, one thing I’ve learned is to a) articulate the emotion “I’m hurt. I feel scared that nothing’s coming my way” and to b) ask for what you need. “I need 5 minutes to just vent and cry and then let’s get a coffee and move on.” or “I’d love to watch a silly comedy tonight to take my mind off all this” or whatever actions from him would help you. I’ve learned that men often think (mistakenly) that “getting rid of” the negative thing will make it better–either by denying its existence, minimizing it, fixing it, arguing about how you’re wrong about its negativity, or whatever. So I believe he may be trying to “help” by “making it go away” in his own block-headed way.
The single best advice I ever saw about job searching was this:
Go to the job descriptions/postings for jobs you’re targeting. Jot down the top 5 skills that you see that you don’t have or are under-developed in.
Then make a list and cross-reference. Pick the top 3 that you see appearing repeatedly. Now focus on developing or polishing those skills, rather than focusing on the “no’s”.
Anon
OP here- thanks for the responses. I’m seeing a therapist, but I don’t find her that helpful. She listens to me, but I don’t get much out of it in terms of actionable steps to take or ways to reframe my thinking.
I appreciate the suggestions on how to talk to DH! I know he’s trying to be supportive in his own way.
I’ve been getting to final rounds, which makes it harder, because it literally is me v. 1 other candidate. Then when they go with the other person, I do feel like I must have done something wrong or there’s something I could have done better. But it’s true, that candidate could have relationships I don’t, and that isn’t something “wrong”, it’s just different.
anon
Sounds like you need a new therapist. I was in your situation about 6 months ago (I had been seeing my therapist for 18 months and switched to someone who’s a much better fit) I would shop around a bit. The right therapist makes a huge difference.
anon
+1
Totally agree.
The fact that you get so far in interviews is a good thing – showing me that you are doing everything right, and that there are likely variables beyond your knowledge/control that are leading to the final decisions.
I think you are doing a great job.
Remember, we are (on this board…) often our worst critics.
Anon
EMDR has helped me with this (as opposed to standard therapy)!
Anon
Dear OP, I am going to share my experience because I think and hope it will help you.
I was passed over for a promotion to the C-suite way back in my career. The outside candidate who was brought in was, by all objective measures, less experienced and less qualified. Numerous members of the C-suite reached out to me to make sure I understood that this was a “style thing” that led the CEO to select the other candidate. They wanted me to not feel the way you describe you are feeling. I had known them for years and believed them and their motives.
But I did not really appreciate what they meant and how right they were for a long time. After a period of time, I could observe that the CEO had hired someone who would do whatever she said, no questions asked. That was the CEO’s style, and that was the new hire’s style, and that was how they worked together. I would have been miserable being relegated to such a role. I understand now that the CEO had not wanted a “thought partner” who would raise issues, provide options, discuss pros/cons and then, once the CEO decided on a direction, execute. The CEO knew from havign worked with me that this is my style.
It may be that the search teams you are meeting with know what the environment is in a way that is not visible to you and that they are making decisions like the one my CEO made. It hurts a lot. And it also saves you from being in a job that would make you miserable.
Anon
OP here-this is actually really helpful framing. Thanks for sharing!
anon
I used to feel a lot like you. It’s gotten better over time and through therapy. I think it is key to keep in mind that if you are getting to the in-person interview stage, they’re not “rejecting” you, they’re picking someone else who they perceive to be a better fit for the role. And that is something that is totally out of your control.
Perhaps this anecdote will help. I recently interviewed for a job for which I would have been a great fit. It basically would have been like going in house with a client of my firm, but not a client with whom I directly worked. My background is very similar to the background of the three attorneys I would have been working with, they all knew my colleagues, the vibes were great during the interview. As I left they said, “yeah you have exactly the experience we want, I’m sure we’ll talk to you again soon.”
They did not hire me. I looked up the person they did hire and I think I understand why they chose her. Her background is similar to mine (perhaps less on-point than mine), but she also had several years of experience working for an insurance company, effectively serving as claims counsel, handling a high volume of matters and getting well-versed in the insurance aspect of what we do (I am not well-versed in this area). The company is in a huge growth phase and they were slammed. Her experience in this very specific setting happened to make her a great fit for several very specific features of the new job.
I could also tell stories about how interviews go at my firm. People misread applicants. I can think of two occasions where we hired two young attorneys at once, and in each case, we expected one candidate to be a better fit than the other candidate. In each case, it turned out to be the total opposite. Oh, and when I first applied, they didn’t hire me. They hired someone else because he had a few years of worker’s comp experience. He is a great guy, but not perceived as a talented attorney, was never on partner track, and simply has not excelled at the firm. I have. (I’m willing to admit that my firm sucks at hiring.) All this is to say that how you are perceived in an interview does NOT define who you are or reflect your worth as a person.
Anon
Fashion rules for espadrilles! They are warm weather shoes (so not for true winter). But what else? I’d like to find a comfy pair with a lower wedge. Maybe not with ankle ties. I want allowed to have them as a child and now want to try a pair. And I should have done this in May, so pickings may be slim by now.
anon
They are pretty much a summer shoe.
Stay away from water/rain!
It’s funny, but I also wanted them as a child too, so I understand your impulse.
AIMS
I think you’ve covered it. They are also generally considered a casual shoe, to the extent that matters in where you wear them.
Chl
I have some viscera palomeras that I got on poshmark that I love and wear to work.
Anon
They’re cute for going out to dinner and similar events in the summer. Definitely only a summer shoe, I’d recommend getting one with a real sole, and they’re a casual shoe even though they’re likely a wedge. Not a work shoe.
Anon
The Talbots espadrille flats (Izzy, I think) are really comfortable and come in all sorts of fun colors & materials.
Anon
I suggest getting a pair that have an insole on top of the rope. Years ago I had a pair with a rope insole, and it was very uncomfortable rubbing on my feet.
Anon
Talbots has a bunch of espadrilles on sale, both the wedge ones and flat. I ordered some to try, but they haven’t arrived yet, so I can’t say anything about quality and comfort yet…
Anon
My parents are gravely ill and sibling (no$, lives far away) brought up what to do with the house eventually. I also live out of state and work FT. It looks like sinking expects me to fund a renovation and then try to sell it. Eventually (hopefully months of not a year from now), my plan is to talk to a realtor and see what is realistic for cosmetic fixes and pricing it to move quickly (not a given in their area, which is the sort of poorer area with a lot of tradespeople living there, so more likely to have people interested in a fixer vs. bougie area). It got a little nasty actually, so not eager for more of this. I will likely be sole executor under both wills once the second parent passes on (or they move to assisted living / nursing home).
Tell me, people who have been there, how does this usually go? House is at least paid off but property taxes are high.
anon
I’m sorry to hear about your parents. This is a very stressful time. I’m sorry the focus is on this already. It sounds like you are worrying way too soon, no?
Does sibling live out of state too, or near the property?
Is this a potentially high value property? What are we talking about?
$200k and you are trying to get $250k?
or $2 million and you are trying to get $3 million?
Is this difference in what you would make life changing, and worth the time investment?
Because remember – renovations take a lot of time and oversight to be done well/right, and are not practical if you don’t live there. And you rarely make back what you put in. And your time/stress has value.
I would NEVER fund the renovation out of my own money for this property, as you describe it. Never never never. I take it sibling wouldn’t contribute to the renovation, but wants equal split of the profit?
Honestly, many families spend years dealing with the family house. It is often a huge amount of work.
I am dealing with this right now.
Anonymous
This. Having done a few major renos- they always take longer than you expect, cost more than you think they will and require on site supervision unless you luck into a great relationship with an amazing contractor.
Have the house deep cleaned, staged if it is empty and that is inexpensive, and sell it.
Sibling is welcome to buy at market value and reno and flip for a profit but you do not need to be involved.
Anon
It’s not my focus — they can safely live there as long as they can go up and down stairs. Sibling can’t fund any work and doesn’t want the house. We both live a plane trip away. I have dealt with permit-required renovations and like you have to oversee even a GC because subs do things like leave doors unlocked or put in the wrong tile. There is no magic wand and you can’t just throw $ at a problem. Ugh. Sibling thinks doing cosmetic non-permit work is the same thing. And ugh the time and money involved (not to mention that I’d likely be the one to oversee the emptying out of the house).
I suspect that this is where a good realtor is good for having the right connections to help things like this happen. In some ways, every profession is a helping profession.
Anon
My sister, who is currently retired, was a realtor in an area with older homes and older population. She had a great reputation for gently helping parents who were moving into assisted living, as she had contacts in the local estate sale business, a great understanding of what their chilcren were going though, and a very sympathic public manner. Several of her clients were out of town adult chilcren who had inherited older homes they didn’t want. She could help arrange an estate sale, deep clean, and staging via phone/email.
I’m sure there is someone in your parents’ area who is a similar agent. Maybe start asking around when you get the chance and can inquire.
Anon
Where is your sister? If not me, someone here may need someone like that.
anon
Yes, this type of service is quite common in my area too.
anon
You can check with the local assisted livings/nursing homes to get the names of the realtors that do this. Many of them will have websites targeting this population.
Anon
Sorry to hear all of this.
In our family, we haven’t made any upgrades or cosmetic changes before listing parents’ houses. We clear out the house, maybe some easy and cheap fixes like repainting some walls (but, not all, just the ones that clearly need it) or pulling up dated wall to wall carpet when I know there’s hardwood underneath and that’s it.
As someone who is looking to buy a house, I hate seeing listings that were clearly updated just for the listing. It’s very rarely my style, but after spending more on an updated list I won’t have money to make any changes. Even if I had the money to upgrade as I’d like, it feels too wasteful to change something that was upgraded so I wouldn’t do it anyway.
Renos are a pain in the butt and expensive, I feel like when you do them just for selling a house you never get enough out of them to cover what you put into them.
Unless a realtor tells you the house will not sell as is, I would really reconsider any major updates.
anon
I vote no on updates, but yes on make ready. Think of what happens when an apartment is flipped from one tenant to another – walls are painted, carpets are steam cleaned. Plus, fix any obvious things that you just learn to live with – e.g., handle that needs to be fixed on the sink, replace light bulbs, etc. All stuff squarely in the handyman category.
anon
This, exactly. Make it clean and presentable, but don’t do major work. It’s just not worth it.
BeenThatGuy
Clear the house out and clean the heck out of it (washing walls and everything in between). Then list the house as is.
I’m sorry about your folks.
go for it
Sorry you are going through his, it is hard.
I would not put any real money into renovations geared at selling, at most a quick coat of paint (or not).
The buyer will do their own reno as they see fit. Sell “as is” in the contract.
Anon
I agree — paint and any items to get flagged on a home inspection. I wouldn’t always want an “as is” listing as I think it can be a turn off but would just make a price adjustment if needed to make a deal happen.
anon
My experience is that selling asap lets you focus on mourning, handling the million other estate details, and living. Unless you love renovations to sell and are retired, you really won’t have emotional bandwidth to renovate.
An uninhabited house in bad shape is really tough to insure, both for umbrella and homeowner’s. If you’re in the boat of a short clock on even inadequate insurance, that could also point to selling it quickly.
Anon
Particularly since you have said it is in an area where up you think buyers would be receptive to a fixer-upper, when the time comes I would have it thoroughly cleaned and then sell “as is”. Supervising a renovation from afar is a recipe for disaster, and it doesn’t sound like there is a sound reason for you to throw your own money into this house. Sibling does not get to dictate that you will renovate, or anything else.
Anonymous Canadian
This is the way. In addition to the cost and hassle of the renovations, you will be responsible for the ongoing costs of taxes, utilities and insurance (not insignificant in an unoccupied home) during the time renos take place. This home is an asset that is worth what it is worth. Why would you invest your own money (and more given the ongoing costs) to “try” to increase its value when the success of that venture is an uncertain outcome at best.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this <3
Anonymous
Stop discussing it. If you are the executor you likely won’t need their consent to sell it and split the proceeds. If you do, you just refuse to put any money into it and make clear to sibling all of your costs are coming out of the proceeds before they are split.
Anon
If you put money into it, the sale price of the house first goes to reimbursing you and the remainder is split equally. That includes property taxes.
Work through the math. Hypothetical:
Home is currently worth $300,000. Renovations would cost $100,000. Property taxes and insurance would cost $10,000 per year (paid by you). Sale price would be between $375,000 and $415,000.
On the high end, sibling would get $152,500 and you would get $262,500. On the low end, sibling gets $132,500. Her upside is very very marginal and she risks losing money on the downside.
Also remind her that the housing market is strong now but we are headed towards a recession (if we aren’t already in one). You don’t renovate to flip going into a down market.
Alternately: tell her the house is getting sold. She can buy you out, get a mortgage for your half, and get a HELOC to cover the renovations. All the proceeds are hers.
The larger problem is that many people who don’t have money have some really harebrained ideas of how to make money. “With this one neat trick….” That isn’t how things work so it’s often a long slog to work through the math with them.
anon
so much your last paragraph
Anonymous
I recently went through this; we had a handyman do easy fixes, painted the interior and swapped out the carpet. I would not do more.
Anon
Depends on the area, but if it’ll sell in its current condition then it’s probably not worth the time and money to fix it up. Save yourself the trouble.
Anonymous
It sounds like sibling has been watching too much HGTV. They probably think you can invest $100k in a reno and get $200k in value. They would pitch a fit if your $100k just got the house sold faster but not at top dollar. And if this is a working class area where everyone has a nephew who’s an electrician and an in law who’s a plumber and so forth, people won’t pay extra for turnkey when they could do the work themselves for next to nothing. Do what you think is best and accept that sibling is going to be upset no matter what you do. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
anon
As an aside, calling someone gravely ill implies they are on their deathbed. If your parents are still living independently, able to go up and down stairs in their own house, they may be doing better than you think.
Perhaps you both need to step back from worrying about the house after they die, and focus on spending time with them and figuring out how you will all approach last phase life. Sounds like you are assuming they want to stay in their home. But in your shoes, I would be much more worried about what happens when one falls and breaks a hip, or one gets a diagnosis requiring hands on care etc… and how they will manage from this isolated location. And where the remaining parent will go when the first dies. Hopefully they are hooked in with their local Dept of Aging and have their local resources at hand. Just knowing what you posted – parents have no money, area sounds isolated from medical care etc.. I am much more concerned about how
The house should be the last of your concerns right now. It makes me sad that your sibling is pressuring you about this, while both of you live far away and your parents are aging alone.
Ses
This exactly, on all points
Ses
I just sold a house like this, also long distance. Start with a good realtor, they’ll let you know what needs to be done. When you’re interviewing realtors you can try to get one who will actually manage all the repairs for you.
It sounds like you have kind of a BEC relationship with your sibling. I think you should take a step back and try as best you can to handle this as a business decision.
anon
Are you me?!
This happened to MIL/FIL. They bought in a neighborhood that was deteriorating and didn’t keep up the house. FIL tried, I suppose, with a lot of DIY projects (a handful were unfinished) that would probably be ripped out by the next owner. FIL passed suddenly and MIL legit just skipped town and left us to deal with the house. Oddly, house was only in FIL’s name and DH was executor. We were a 3.5 hr plane ride away.
Sibling also had no money and no grasp of reality on how this stuff worked.
DH and I decided that the sole objective was a sale, full stop, because MIL needed the money and it was otherwise just gobbling up expenses via high real estate taxes (no income tax state so $$$$). We did the very absolute bare minimum of cosmetic fixes, which was honestly mostly just cleaning, and that was it.
We found a good realtor via the local FB page. Told us what to fix/clean helped us contract out some labor to do that and we were listed pretty quickly. We even took the second highest offer because it was a fast all-cash closing, and that was important to us, just to flush this thing.
As others have said, DO NOT RENOVATE or spend a dime of your own money. Consult a real estate agent (or three) and get opinions about what to do that’s easy/quick and then just list it. Good luck – this kind of stuff is never ever fun, but don’t lose sight of making smart financial decisions, aka under no circumstances spend your own money on this – all costs in our case were incurred by FIL’s estate, or what was left of it and handed over to MIL, if I recall correctly. We may have footed a bill to pay it quickly but we were sure to be reimbursed by MIL, the ultimate beneficiary of the sale proceeds.
Anon
I dealt with a similar issue with my grandparents, who left the house to their grandkids. It absolutely needed renovation but we just cleaned it very well and listed it. Note that if it appreciates in value between inheriting it and selling it, I believe taxes are owed on that appreciation (but I’m not a tax lawyer) so if you are going to do any work at all, I’d get an appraisal both before and after to help with any repayment type issues. I am sorry you are in this situation.
BeenThatGuy
Does anyone have a Polene bag? I’m thinking of going over to the store in Soho to check them out. The internet tells me they have some quality control issues but I’m wondering what the Hive thinks. I’m specifically looking at the Un and Neuf.
Anonymous
I ordered one online years ago and I love it. The leather is high quality and it’s held up well. I can’t speak to their current quality.
anon
I have a numero sept, and I really love it. It’s super high quality. The strap was slightly shorter than I imagined, so check measurements. If you will be in France/Europe anytime soon, it’s worth it to check prices and order it to be delivered to your hotel – there’s a good savings if you can buy it in euro.
Anon
What are your favorite places to buy fun office supplies or brands to look for on big box store sites? I’m running out of post it’s, note pads, etc. and want to get a few fun things to try to make the work day more enjoyable.
Anon
I really like the PostIt Noted brand, which I buy from Target. I also have gotten some desk accessories from Anthro, like a coaster and a trinket holder.
anon
+1 to Target
I also love Paper Source, which is now stocked at Barnes & Noble if you want to browse in person for any reason.
Anonymous
Etsy has fun independent brands.
ANON
the moma store
Anon
I’m trying to figure out ways to volunteer for a democratic political campaign in the 2024 election cycle. I live in DC and am very interested in politics but I don’t know the best organizations, types of volunteer work, etc. for this. Ideally I’m hoping for something where I’ll be interacting with other volunteers as opposed to something I’d do solo. I’m also a lawyer and have some areas of policy expertise, though don’t need to use either of those skills for this volunteer work. Does anyone have a suggestion on where to start with this?
Join a Club
Does DC have local political clubs you could join? NYC has a lot & it is a great way to join a community of like minded people who are actively involved in both local and national issues. They do a lot of phone banking, bus trips for “adopt a district” campaigns, group meetings, etc.
You could also sign up with a local politician’s campaign if there is anyone you especially like that’s facing re-election or volunteer in the presidential campaign.
DC Dem
I’d suggest getting involved in Virginia! They have elections this November where you can help, and groups like the Arlington Democrats have good infrastructure to get folks involved: https://arlingtondemocrats.org/start-making-difference-now/volunteer-with-acdc/
If you want to focus on 2024, I’d sign up to volunteer with Abigail Spanberger: https://www.mobilize.us/spanbergerforcongress/ (Congressional campaigns like hers will then coordinate with the Presidential closer to the time)
Carrots
This is what I was going to suggest as well – Alexandria Democratic Committee also has a strong structure if you want to get involved there.
Trixie
I like with working with Postcards to Voters, which focuses on voter registration, and is social in that it involves getting a group together to write postcards. Data shows that this is pretty effective. Another great group is Force Multiplier. Mostly they want help with fundraising, but talk to them and maybe there are other roles. On election day, you can be a poll watcher–lawyers do this.
Anon
flight prices are insane. i need to fly from new york to houston for a wedding and it is almost $600. or perhaps this is just what things cost now, but it’s hard to stomach spending that much on a flight for a weekend, when not too long ago it was half that.
Anon
Honestly, I pretty much only fly Spirit or Frontier for this reason (and for a weekend, I can pack in a small enough bag to not pay extra). I’ve never had the delays from h3ll that some people have posted about, so YMMV. But, for $78 it’s worth it to me.
I had to fly to attend a friend’s bachlorette in Scottsdale (we all live on the east coast) and it was $500 and I honestly regret going because that was out of budget for me (I was the only one there who doesn’t make at least 6 figures).
anon
Live in Houston. That flight price is high. Check Southwest and other airlines. Often, you can save $$$ if you don’t fly direct since the nonstops are all at a premium (for non-stops).
Anon
Check every day for a week or two and jump if there is a significant price drop. It takes a few secs, but I almost always get a better rate through patience and persistence.
Anon
With airlines waiving change fees, you should buy ASAP and check for a price drop every day between now and the trip – if it drops you can get the difference back in airline credits.
(Caveat that this doesn’t apply to basic economy tickets, but there are many reasons you shouldn’t buy those.)
CreditRisk
NYC to Houston is like NYC to Dallas….. expensive. Its rarely below $500 return these days. I have taken to buying a southwest giftcard from costco for $449, which has a value of $500. Its the only discount I have found.
Anon
My September trip from SFO-EWR is twice the price it was last year, and fewer seats to choose from even though I booked 6 weeks out.
Anonymous
If you can swing it, there are usually good deals to Houston (one stop usually Atlanta) from the White Plains/Westchester County airport.
Anon
Does anyone use Thrive market? It seems you can’t click around and see what they offer without having an account, so I can’t see if they have things I’d like and if it’s a better deal than my local Acme (though it likely is, Acme is expensive)
anon
I’ve seen a lot of influencers on YouTube talk about Thrive Market and what they buy. Not sure of the price, but you could probably find some videos about their product offerings.
Anon 2.0
I’d check out Vitacost before paying for Thrive. Vitacost is owned by Kroger, free shipping over a certain amount, and coupons offered as well.
Anon
I don’t even know what Thrive is but +1 to Vitacost.
Anon
I will look into Vitacost! I’m not in an area with Kroger but if it’s shipping then maybe that doesn’t matter
anon
I’ve been happy with Vitacost. The website is a little disorganized (things I received will still be marked online as awaiting shipment), but I’ve had no trouble getting a refund when the occasional thing is broken in transit. I used it a ton during the pandemic.
Now that I shop in person, I find Trader Joe’s to have similar quality and slightly better prices, so I use Vitacost less.
Roxie
I really like thrive but I’m not super budget conscious. I’m GF and have other dietary needs and they have a good selection of high quality companies. When I really look, the prices seem good (ie the gf pasta I like is at least $1-2 cheaper on thrive than in my local grocery store) so the membership price feels worth it to me!
Anonymous
I’m not fancy about coffee and usually drink whatever. The other day (at a crap hotel) I had a great cup of slightly tangy, bright coffee. Can anyone recommend something similar, or even what words to search in? Thank you!
DC Inhouse Counsel
Coffee has tasting notes like wine. For a bright, fruity/tangy coffee, look for a light roast with fruity tasting notes, usually light roast Ethiopian beans fit the bill.
anon
+1 The flavor profile you’re describing is characteristic of Ethiopian beans, and light roast will bring it out even more.
anon
I think you get that from most light roast coffee. It’s fancy, but i like the blue bottle brand of light roast. If you find the roasting notes, you are probably looking for zesty/citrus/lemon to get that tangy vibe.
Anonymous
If you haven’t already, you could try calling the hotel and simply asking what coffee they buy so you can see whether it’s available for consumer purchases.
Anon
And you might be pleasantly surprised. Friends and I used to have many discussions of how this one Chinese restaurant had the very best hot tea. We eventually asked the owner what kind of tea she used in hopes that we could find some to buy and she said “oh it’s Kroger teabags”.
Annony
I once had an amazing cup of coffee at a restaurant and we asked the waitress what kind it was … surprise! It was Folger’s.
DeeDee
I’ve seen this commercial
Anon
I’d browse through the la colombe website – https://www.lacolombe.com/collections/coffee – and look for flavor notes that you think are bright. Maybe try the Sun Chaser or the Tanzania blend.
Anon
Do you have a good independent coffee shop nearby that sells bulk coffee? I would go in and ask them for recommendations. There is one here in our smallish town that is actually a national prize winner for their roasting, and the owner would totally love to consult or even arrange a taste test. Coffee enthusiasts are everywhere!
anon
You’re looking for a light roast, I think. Light roasts are amazing! They often (but not always) are Latin American beans, so you’re looking for a Guatemalan, Costa Rican, or Brazilian origin bean.
Peet’s can be ordered online and is in grocery stores in many regions of the US. You can sort the beans on the website by the intensity of the roast (Dark, Medium, Light). Blue Bottle is also really good, but is NYC prices for something that can be obtained elsewhere. La Colombe and Stumptown are also one step up from whatever, and are available nationally.
Anonymous
Agree with everybody that you’re looking for a light roast. Lots of coffees today are so darkly roasted they taste acrid or burnt.
If you’re at a coffee shop and they have different beans available, look for the ones described with notes like nutty, caramel, floral, red fruit instead of the ones described with chocolate notes.
The lighter tasting coffees can be both African and Latin American, and you’ll often do well with 100 percent Arabica beans and light roast. Do not buy espresso roast. I think that big US coffee chain calls their lighter roasts Blonde, but they are not particularly light compared with a level 3 roast in Europe.
Motivational hopes
I need some help to get myself motivated again at work. Life has not been easy over the last couple of years. Elderly parents having multiple health issues, which as an only child I am the one who has to deal. It’s a fragile house of cards that could fall at any time now, so have that as a constant background anxiety. I have a partner with mental health issues, he’s working on them, but so often I have to pick up the pieces around him and be the one who takes charge of all the life admin, and there have been times in the last couple of years that he has just opted out of everything for weeks on end. We’ve had to move house twice in the last 6 months and are in the final stages of completing on the purchase of a house which since we are in the UK is not a done deal till the contract is signed. No children, but dogs……
In the middle of this I keep going, with occasional melt downs, but generally I’m the strong one, and the one who provides all the solutions. Work have been more than supportive, and fortunately I’m in a quiet phase. I’m senior enough in a small organisaiton that I can be flexible, but I’m very aware that I am pushing the boundaries now. I love the job and the people, but I just can’t get motivated (hence on this site now)…..looking for ideas of how to get focused and productive again.
I have really done nothing substantive in a couple of months. I have a short holiday booked in a couple of weeks time, the first proper break I’ll have had for over a year, so I put some hope in that, but all my normal strategies (pomodoro/lists/rewards) are failing as there is just so much else to do and think about that I get distracted so easily. Any words of wisdom oh wise ones?
anon
What are you doing for stress relief?
A walk every day at lunch?
5 minutes of breathing each morning?
Yoga once a week?
An exercise class before week?
When you have so much stress going on, finding a way to bring down the thermostat internally is sometimes all you can do. Then you are able to deal with everything better.
Yes, lists are essential.
Yes, daily chocolate helps, little rewards.
But sleep, and small things to decrease your stress/anxiety level are the most important.
Stress/anxiety is one of the most common sources of distraction.
Anon
Tell the partner to shape up or ship out.
anon
In honesty: I was useless when I bought my house in summer of 2020. Obviously there were a lot of simultaneous stressors (COVID, etc.) but I could. not. do. anything. And then, we signed and moved into the house and *poof* I was mostly functional again. So maybe this isn’t a problem you need to solve right now? You may find it resolves itself once the house is purchased and that is behind you.
And, despite that rough period at work, I’m still here three years later and get excellent reviews. Once this is behind you, any temporary blip in quality won’t matter especially when you are senior. You’ve built up a reserve of goodwill over the years, and this is when you are using it. And that is okay.
anon
In those moments, the usual self care doesn’t work for me and I need some sort of sport where I can just hit things – batting cage, driving range, etc. Alternatively, running to the point of exhaustion. You need to get the anger out and just let yourself feel it.
Travel inspiration
Fun question for today (I hope)! We have a milestone anniversary plus birthday coming up. Want to take a trip with just me and DH in early october for 4 nights, max 5. Leaving from Houston. Where would you go???
Fun trips in the past have included Mexico City (couldn’t recommend enough), Charleston, NYC, Hawaii.
Some ideas we’re kicking around – resort in mexico? cabo? New Orleans? Tokyo (I know it’s far but we have young kids and don’t get to travel without them often at all!)? What would be on your list? We like exploring cities, but I could also get into a resort. Budget’s pretty flexible.
Anon
I did Indigenous Peoples weekend in Bermuda about a decade ago and loved it.
Anon
Aruba! Bucuti resort is amazing, adults only and very romantic. Aruba is outside the hurricane belt.
LA Law
From Houston I would go to Belize and with only 4-5 nights, I would either pick a place by the coast and go snorkeling or the interior for the ruins (in which case I highly recommend Black Rock Lodge – Xunantunich is right next door or you can use it as a base for a trip to Tikal).
New Orleans is amazing but given where you live it does not feel “special” enough and Tokyo is a long way to go for such a short trip. You could also consider Quebec City.
Cat
Early October is an amazing time for a quick jaunt to Europe. Paris? London? Rome? Personally the travel time involved with going to Asia seems like it would eat away half your trip.
Tricky season for a beach trip due to rain or storms in the tropics but Aruba is generally safe.
anon
Not sure how flexible/high your budget is, but Jade Mountain in St. Lucia would be lovely for a milestone trip. We stayed there last year at the sister property, Anse Chastanet.
Anonie
I would take a cruise out of HOU but then I’m a cruise person
Anon
I’d only do this if you can be on one of the adults only cruise lines. There are a few but I’m not sure what options they have out of IAH. A cruise with a bunch of kids sounds like a terrible way to celebrate a milestone anniversary, especially since OP has young kids of her own that aren’t coming with her.
NYCer
I would definitely not go to Tokyo for 4-5 nights, but I do think you could go to Europe in that time frame if you want something more far flung. The weather should still be nice in most of western Europe at that time. Barcelona is one of my favorite cities and would be great in early October, but you could also do Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Lisbon, etc.
Not in Europe, but Cartagena in Colombia is also a fun destination and not too far from Houston.
Monte
Direct, overnight flight to Buenos Aires. Four days of drinking wine and wandering around the city sounds great to me, and you will get a lot of value for your dollar.
Horse Crazy
What do you do when you’re having pretty bad lower back pain? I have an acupuncture appointment next week, but until then, I need some relief. Sitting and getting up and down are killing me, walking is the only thing that isn’t. I’ve been doing heat, ice, ibuprofen, and arnica/menthol muscle rub. Blehhh.
Anon
Get a deep tissue massage. You can probably find an appointment today or tomorrow at Hand and Stone or another chain location. If you can’t, get one of the many at home massage options and try that. I have both the gun and a more kneading option, both should help. IIRC, you’re engaged, so get your partner to give you a firm massage.
As my PT friend says, movement is medicine. Loosen up your back by walking and then stretch / do some basic yoga. If I’m too sedentary, my back and hips get tight and it’s not good.
If you have a bath tub, take a warm bath pre-massage.
Anon
“Motion is lotion” my PT friend says.
Anon
I would caution against this if you have an injury. I made the mistake of trying massage for a neck injury and it made the inflammation worse, which increased my pain.
Anonymous
Stretching every day is key. A physical therapist gave me the set I use.
Anon
IDK. The tennis ball trick to work out knots works for me for upper back but IDK that it works for lower back unless it is a flute-area issue. I am thinking lower backs are more likely spine and nerve issues vs muscle issues?
anonshmanon
lots of walking is good. A yoga video is good too. Or Bob and Brad on YouTube if you can take a bit of goofy physical therapy banter.
If ibuprofen has barely any effect then look for sciatic pain yoga specifically.
Betsy
For me, a sore lower back is usually due to tight hips. I find some butterfly stretching usually makes a big difference.
Anon
Try those large lidocaine patches. I hate the feeling, but I do find these provide some temporary relief.
anon
Do you know the source? Like… terrible posture/weak core/caregiving using poor mechanics etc…?
Then the best thing to do is fix those things — not acupuncture.
Acupuncture is more from chronic pain, after you have fixed all the things that could be causing your back pain, and are doing active exercise/physical therapy/yoga regularly that specifically targets the core/back pain already.
You can easily search online for a classic physical therapy routine of exercises to target your back pain, and do them, regularly, as instructed. Or find a Yoga by Adrienne video for back pain and do it regularly. Or get a script from your doctor for a physical therapy evaluation, have them design a home exercise routine, and do it.
Have you seen a doctor?
Anonymous
Stretches and naproxen instead of ibuprofen. Also, how old is your mattress? I finally got around to replacing my 13 year old mattress and my lower back pain has gone away.
Anon
See a real doctor to evaluate the cause before you do anything more than OTC meds, heat, ice, or simple stretching. Self-diagnosing or treating your back pain is not the way to go.
Anon
This. An Orthopedist, physiatrist, physical therapist , occupational therapist may all have a role in healing. Seeing your PCP is a good way to start
Anonymous
To the commenter last night with the spiraling husband – thank you for posting. I sometimes do this to DH (after a few drinks), and it was really helpful for me to read your perspective, he hasn’t explained his experience as clearly as you did. I grew up in a family that communicates by complaining and catastrophizing so I have a bit of an empathy blind spot for this kind of thing. I mean, I accept THAT it bothers DH because he says so, and I endeavor to avoid it (or take it as a sign that it’s time to go to bed), but understanding WHY is helpful.
Anonymous
FWIW, if it helps at all, when I read her account of what her husband does, I was aghast that she has to deal with that. That level of venting/dumping doesn’t merely bother me; it distresses and angers me. There I was, having a decent day and feeling fairly calm and happy. Now I’ve had stress, anxiety, irrationality, rambling intensity, and anger coming at me in a steady stream, with no concern at all for how it might affect me, or how I”m doing, or what I think. When someone does that kind of venting at me, I feel like they vomit all over me so that they can feel better. Then they walk away feeling relieved, while I’m sitting there covered in their vomit. I’ll deal with that when someone I care about is in crisis. But I don’t want to become someone’s go-to strategy for making themselves feel better.
anon
I really appreciate your explanation for how it makes you feel. It described well how a very anxious friend used to vent to me regularly, and it was destroying me. Amazingly, she was calling about 5 of us on a regular circle and doing the same venting to ALL of us. I finally had to stop returning her calls, which I did once I realized she was calling all 5 of us.
Anon
This is a spot on description of how it feels to be the recipient. That I’ve been vomited on and left in a state of stress while he be-bops away all relieved is exactly how it went on a daily basis in my former marriage. I am so thankful that I don’t experience this any more.
OTo OP who is the one doing this, please please please find a different way to cope with your stress or anxiety or anger. It’s not fair to your partner and doesn’t honor your relationship with them. If you grew up in a family like this I can certainly see how you have normalized this behavior, but for your partner and for yourself, you are going to need to address it. It’s wonderful that you do already recognize that you do this.
Carol
Agree completely – my mom does this and I refer to it as “throwing a bomb on me and walking away”. She says she is just “chatting” or “venting” but for me she put a dent in my perfectly nice day with all that negativity.
I know some people complain as a way to talk, but there’s a limit. You can’t keep complaining and then brush it off or say its not that negative. It is.
Anon
There’s an old Work is Hell cartoon book with the 8 types of bosses and one says “How dare you duck when I throw things at you?”
This sounds like OOP’s husband to me. I wouldn’t want to work for this AH, much less be married to him.
Anon
Any suggestions for a wintery vacation destination for early December? European cities that are charming in the winter? I’m open to almost anything – city trips visiting museums, snowshoeing trips, something else, but I don’t think I’ll be interested a tropical vacation at that point in the year. I have some leave I need to use and the first week of December looks like the best time for me to fit it in but I’m not sure where to go. I’ll be traveling solo or open to joining a planned group trip. Any ideas?
Anon
I would go to Christmas markets in Central Europe. Or, I would love to see London at Christmas time too.
I did a mid-November trip to Budapest, Vienna, Bratislava, and Prague and I LOVED it. It was cold and gray (but I’m from the Northeast, so I’m used to it), but not too cold to prevent us from doing anything. It was great to walk around, sight see, and then pop into a cafe or a bar to warm up and grab a coffee or beer or mulled wine.
A few Christmas markets were just starting to open up, so by your timeframe you should be good on those!
anon
+1 I visited the Christmas markets in Salzburg, Innsbruck, and Munich in that timeframe about 5 years back. It was a lovely trip.
Cat
I would love to experience London at Christmas since everyone I know who’s gone posts all these cute pics of beautifully decorated streets, shops, restaurants, etc — but given my job, an early December vacation is not going to happen until retirement!
Anon
I went to Salzburg in December and it was like out of a movie…well it is actually out of a movie, so if you like the sound of music at all, I’d def recommend and even if you don’t it was so picturesque and charming with the Christmas markets, etc (and i don’t even celebrate Christmas)
Anon
I have never used the company, but Gate 1 has quite a few Christmas market trip options.
Anonymous
Prague
Vienna
Munich
Nuremberg
Heidelberg
Anecdata
Not a traditional “winter” city but I really enjoyed Rome in early December – early enough to miss Christmas crowds, and it’s a fun walking-around city, which I lean towards winter for – easier to bring a jacket than figure out how to stay cool in 8 million degree heat
For something more traditionally winter-y : Christmas markets? I’ve heard the one in Nuremberg is great, and it starts December 1st
Anon
What are ways you like for saving money on groceries and household goods? I don’t have a car, so I’m generally limited to either the grocery stores I can walk to or delivery (which usually doesn’t get stolen by porch pirates, but does on occasion). I feel like I am bleeding money buying these necessities. I don’t need things in bulk (live alone, small apartment) but I do like the idea of buying larger things that will last longer so I save time and mental energy.
My best tip is that I’ve been leaning into Amazon subscribe and save for a lot of these items: toilet paper, melatonin, razors, face wash, large packs of granola bars, sponges, cleaning supplies, protein powder, coffee, deodorant, mascara, coffee filters. The prices definitely are lower than my local store (middle of the city, small format store, everything is expensive if they even have it in stock) and the convenience is great.
I don’t love Amazon but subscribe and save is the only reason I still use it. It’s too convenient.
anon
Alternatively, I buy most of those items in bulk from Costco, which you can also have delivered.
Do you live near a Costco?
I am trying to get off Amazon, and am dropping my membership when it expires. But I can understand that depending upon where you live, it may be a necessary evil.
Cat
Walmart beats Amazon on prices fairly often and I think they now offer subscriptions. Look into a Walmart+ membership instead of Prime?
Do you have any friends who drive and you could plan a suburban errand day with them?
Keep an eye on larger grocery store online offers. Ex. the ShopRite near us offered $20 off delivery orders, but the delivery fee is $20, so we did a stock-up of stuff that was on sale and that we go through for “free” delivery.
If you shop at Target often, keep an eye out the weekend *after* TG weekend. The last few years they’ve offered 10% off gift cards with a $500 max per person. If you buy for your own self you then essentially save yourself 10% by prepaying – not a bad ROI for a year!
anon
This is great advice.
Anon
Walmart is consistently 30% less than Publix (more for the Walmart brand), my usual store, and I get it delivered free (plus a tip) every Saturday morning.
Anon
I’ll look into this, thanks!
Anonymous
Buy in bulk those things that will last nearly forever (soap and the like, find creative places to store them like under your bed), switch to reusables in as many products as you can (rags instead of paper towels for example), switch to more natural cleaning products (white vinegar, etc), buy generic/store brands, make your own granola bars (often ingredients are cheaper than the same product boxed)
Anon
Yeah, I have completely switched to rags instead of paper towels and reusable cotton rounds for skincare instead of the disposable ones. Even if there is a reusable option for toilet paper, I will not be doing that :)
Pretty much everything I buy is generic and I try to buy as much bulk as I can without a Costco. / Sam’s membership (I order my deodorant in packs of 3, I buy 6 packs of bars of soap, I buy the giant jug of shampoo).
I don’t love that I rely so much on granola bars, but I work full time and am in grad school so unfortunately sometimes convenience food is the name of the game. I do meal prep most weeks, but don’t really have time for extra prepping. Time is money :)
Anon
Buy less stuff.
Anon
Everything mentioned by the OP was a consumable, and most of it is pretty necessary (toilet paper, deodorant). It’s not like she’s talking about too many handbags.
Anon
And besides toilet paper and deodorant none of them are actual needs. She asked, I’m just giving an option.
Anon
Did OP ever say she needed to cut out everything that is not an actual need in her life to save money? Because if so, I didn’t see that post. People can save money and still drink coffee and shave their legs.
Anon
So see, the thing is, not all of us are willing to be unattractive and not feel good about ourselves just to save some money. Buying things like mascara or makeup or face cream isn’t a necessity if you’ve just given up on your appearance and don’t care about looking or feeling good. Not all of us are in that situation.
Anon
Coffee is not a need? Come speak with me in the morning and you might reevaluate that stance.
anon
+1
I’m the anon at 12:35. You said this much better than I did.
anon
You know the old “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” slogan? I do a lot of reducing and reusing. For example, on the list you provided, I don’t buy melatonin, granola bars, protein powder, or mascara. I replace my dish sponge about once every 6 weeks and we go through maybe 24 rolls of TP in a year for a 2 person household. I’m using the same cleaning supplies I bought 3 years ago, apart from dishwasher tablets which I buy in bulk from Home Depot of all places. Total aside, but Home Depot has a great cleaning supplies aisle.
And fwiw, I used to buy granola bars. But at $1/bar even at Target, they just got too expensive so I don’t buy them anymore. Inflation has forced my hand so now it’s toast or homemade oatmeal for breakfast. I guess my answer is that I changed my grocery buying habits in response to inflation.
Anon
Hi, OP here! I’m in grad school and I work so while I’d love to have the time to make everything by hand or whatever, I do not. And that’s okay. I usually eat chia pudding or an egg on toast for breakfast, but sometimes I need to catch up on HW and don’t have time to cook and have to resort to a quick breakfast.
I have definitely changed a lot of my shopping habits, but some of these things I just plain need (toilet paper) and some of it I like (wearing mascara) and some of it I’m meh on but it’s what works for me now (protein powder, granola bars). I would love to not buy melatonin, but I have intermittent insomnia (and with working and being in school, I can’t afford a few nights of not sleeping). BTW, I have a subscribe and save every 3 months for 24 Nature Valley granola bars. The cost for 24 bars is $6.24, so I’m very happy with that “price per granola bar”. I don’t eat them a ton, but I keep one in my bag at all times and it does save me from buying a more expensive snack if I’m starving on my way to class after working a full day.
I get 6 sponges delivered every 6 months, but often pause my delivery if I have too many stocked up.I pay $3.50 for 6 sponges.
That’s great for you that you and your partner use less toilet paper than I do, but that’s not really something I can opt out of buying. I’m using Amazon brand dishwasher detergent which is $0.17 per wash.
anon
You are doing totally fine. Don’t worry. You are more careful than 90% of this board. Just ignore those posts.
Anon
That’s fine that you don’t want to wear mascara, but it’s fine if OP does. If she’s getting hers on subscribe and save it’s probably a drugstore brand, so she’s probably spending less than $20 a year on mascara.
Anon
OP asked how to save money and one of the possible ways to do that is to buy less. I know this place gets super defensive if you even suggest consuming less, but it was a very valid answer to this question.
Anon
OP here, I’m not giving up mascara :) I’m totally in favor of less consumption (I very rarely buy clothes and when I do it’s almost all thrifted), to save money my friends and I mostly stay in and drink wine and hang out rather than going out, I pretty much never travel, etc. Less consumption is great! But, I’m not giving up make up.
anonshmanon
Everything has gotten really expensive, so there is only so much you can do. Have you audited your food waste habits? Do you throw out veggies forgotten in the crisper, freezer burnt stuff, or half used can of beans?
What you buy and what meals you make can have a drastic impact on the bottom line. Limiting meat, dairy, processed foods and alcohol hits the trifecta of cheaper, healthier and better for the planet.
Anon
Okay OP here: I was looking for a way to save like $2-5 on a few of these items. I asked about saving money, I should have specified that I meant to save a moderate about of money and not that I’m trying to cut back on literally every non-life sustaining item I use. I could easily cut back hundreds of dollars a month if I got rid of everything that’s not a necessity in my life, but that’s not what I need or want to do.
Normally when people post about saving money people are like oh this shirt at JCF is cheaper than the alternative. Or, I like to buy the elf version of this makeup item, it’s $3 cheaper than the other.
Not sure why this got so out of hand!
Anon
One more plus for Walmart delivery: you pick the delivery window, and you are notified as soon as it is dropped off. Porch pirates do not stand a chance.
Anon
Oh that is super helpful, I love that! Thanks :)
Anon
OP again – wanted to thank those who suggested Walmart+. Just signed up for a free trial and holy cow the grocery prices are amazing. They’re like Aldi-level cheap! But they deliver and Aldi doesn’t! I love Aldi, but with no car I can’t usually go. Thanks!! This was just the type of suggestion I was looking for.
Anonymous
How do you wear wide leg pants if you’re short and not thin? Way back before skinny pants were available in office wear, I would wear bootcut (a la Express) or straight to wide-ish leg pants hemmed to the heels I planned to wear. Now flats are more current – which I prefer! – but wider leg pants look boxy and stocky on me without those few extra inches. I follow some midsized influencers but those I’ve seen in wide leg pants are quite tall and/or they’re small on top. On me, the proportions seem off in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. What is a 5’ tall busty size 10/12 to do?
anon
Yeah, I hear you. Can be tricky. I am curvy and what works best are the wide pants cut that are more tailored/drape well over my curves/rear, and then fall. I actually look best with a shorter hem, looser drapey fabric that moves when I wear a flat shoe. So play around with the hem with your favorite shoes. Acceptable hem lengths are vast these days, and the best length varies depending upon your shape/height/shoe.
Sorry, that sounds like a lot of work, but pants are hard!
Worried
+1 pants are hard! ( which is why skirts or dresses are what I wear, except for spring fall when my legs are cold — then, my c+ B- pants come out until tights weather) I’m 5’4 and an 8/10 busty hourglass and I find that wider leg pants with thinner material or drape/ movement work best.
Anonymous
I’m a little taller than you, but I have found some good options at Banana Republic, in the petites section! I have also found that a slightly wider/drapey pant works better when wearing flat shoes. If you are going to go with a pleat, I like a single inverted pleat rather than two traditional pleats. On top I like to go with thin sweaters or turtlenecks so I am not creating too much volume.
Sasha
Petty rant, but I am so fed up with people scheduling time over blocks in my calendar with 0 discussion over what is flexible and what isn’t. I work at a company where keeping your calendar up to date is a priority for this exact reason. I wouldn’t mind if they were meetings that I’m a nice-to-have on, but it happens multiple times a week where I decline a meeting that I have a pre-existing conflict for, only to be met with a barrage of IMs saying I’m a critical attendee and need to flex or suggest another time.
I’ve started adding a note to my declines along the lines of “Declining due to X meeting. My calendar reflects this time block”. Maybe folks will eventually take the hint that that lovely “check calendar” feature in outlook is meant to be used.
anon
I have this same issue happen a lot – my stock response is that I’m unavailable but my calendar is up to date if they’d like to look for other times.
Our chief compliance officer hired a new admin who kept scheduling meetings where I was absolutely essential at times I wasn’t free; I let it slide a few times and eventually just said something directly to her boss (who I have a good relationship with). Her explanation was apparently that she wasn’t familiar with legal department titles and didn’t understand that I was a peer of his (ie if she’d realized I was a peer, she would have scheduled at times I was available, but since she thought I wasn’t, her view was I just needed to accommodate the requests). I was livid, because even if I WASN’T a peer, it’s pretty rude not to at least try to find a mutual time and if you’re going to expect someone to flex, you need to ask them!
Anon
Pragmatically, I use Outlook to check the org chart before assuming anything. You can’t always tell directly. I would assume that anyone who is a peer of CxO is someone who reports in directly to the CEO, does not have anyone in their department directly above them (eg, they are the highest ranking Marketing person), etc is a peer of a Chief Compliance Officer. Or close enough to a peer that i shouldn’t assume that they will flex their schedule to accommodate the CCO.
Of course, my first order of business is to schedule when everyone is available and absent that, use my words and ask. “Liz, I’m trying to set up a meeting between you and the CCO. Calendars aren’t showing overlapping availability. Are there any meetings you have that can be flexed?”
Anon
Maybe an obvious question but does your calendar have your meeting titles public? If not you should enable that.
I think you’re getting too huffy though. It’s hard to find a timeslot that works for the entire group. If I can’t find a time when everyone’s free then I maximize the number of attendees and figure out an alternate if someone critical declines. Which is what your coworkers are doing. Unless they’re IMing you in all caps with multiple exclamation points I wouldn’t consider it a “barrage” of messages. Just keep replying that you can’t move any of your meetings and they need to pick a slot that shows you as available.
Anon
+1 They’re not doing this at you and this is a very normal part of the working world.
Sasha
I disagree. If I’m a critical attendee and my schedule isn’t working for you, the correct thing to do would be to ask me if there’s anything flexible on my calendar that can be moved to accommodate X time slot–i.e. “Everyone else I need on this meeting is available at times X Y and Z, anything you can flex to make one of those times work?”. Just scheduling over pre-blocked time on my calendar with no discussion and then putting the onus on me to propose other times (which my free times are already reflected in my outlook calendar) is not the way to go about it.
Anon
In your email declining the invite, note the preexisting conflict and ask them to find a time that works for all attendees.
Anon
Do you typically block out large chunks of time to get things done? If so, while I do understand doing this, I work with people that do this every day or week, so there are large chunks of their day are just blocked out all the time, not necessarily for meetings. It is incredibly annoying to schedule meetings with these people!
Sasha
Not very often–I work in a very, very meeting-heavy environment (6+ hours a day of back to back meetings is the norm), and I have told the people I work with most frequently that 90% of my time blocks are for meetings, not focus time.
Anon
I have a coworker that I meet monthly with to review data. Having her review the data set before hand and then meet with me for an hour is truely the most efficent and effective way to get this monthly piece of work done. Her schedule is almost impossible to get time on, with back to bavck calendar blocks. Most are in the busy status but some are marked as tentatives. I do my best to find times that work for her but also respect my own time and need to move ahead on deadines.
If you have tentatives on your calendar, or time set to busy but are just reminders for yourself, or are in frequent back to backs…other people are going to struggle to get meetings with you and eventually get annoyed that your hard to get time with!
Tbh I feel like its on the person with the busier calendar to make a clear time suggestion if its a critical meeting and theyre rescheduling more than once. I can just keep rescheduling based on my best guess from your calendar, or you can tell me what time actully does work.
Sasha
Unfortunately, my times are almost always marked as busy, and are for actual meetings, not focus time. I am totally fine if people reach out saying “can you flex X Y or Z time?” or “I see you’re marked tenative at this time, could you meet then?”, which is what I do when scheduling with others who have a crazy calendar. It’s the scheduling over clearly marked time blocks without discussion and then being surprised when I decline that annoys me
Ses
I use the “propose a new time” tool in Outlook instead of declining
Sasha
I do use that when it’s a meeting with myself and 1-2 others, and I understand the objective of the meeting. But it’s often 10+ people invited, some of whom are critical and some of whom are nice to haves, and I don’t always have the context to know who is what. I also don’t think it should be on me to pull up a bunch of people’s calendars to find free time for a meeting I didn’t schedule
Anon
“It’s not my job” is not a great attitude to have at work.
AnonAnon
I could use some perspective on a relationship issue. My H has always been very jealous and accusatory toward me. He always tends to think I am “looking for someone else”. A few years back he was absolutely convinced that I was having an affair. I was not and never have. For some reason he got it in his head and we have had multiple discussions about it. He has always also been very controlling, like with what I wear, where I go, who I see, money I spend, etc. I realized a couple of years ago how this is actually abusive and I have been working on myself to get stronger and better able to not let myself be pushed around or let myself get concerned with his reactions if I say I don’t agree with him or don’t want to wear what he wants me to, etc.
I have begun working out and eating better, and even one of my kids says I have been happier in the last couple of years. Yesterday my H said he still thinks something happened a few years back and in looking back I can see that the time frame lines up with when I started to stand up for myself and take better care of myself.
My question is he also said “what are you willing to do to prove that nothing happened?”.
Do I really need to prove that nothing happened? And what could I possibly do to convince him? He is always looking for the bad and will interpret it the way he wants.
This has been weighing on me ever since he said it.
Thoughts are appreciated.
anon
This is bad.
I would get into couples counseling immediately, and would have divorce in the back of my mind.
You talk about all the changes you have done in yourself to make your life better. Good for you! Well done. I love them all and your child clearly sees the difference and it is a huge deal they mention it. Sadly, that tells me that they see very well how your husband treats you and how that has made you unhappy for years.
Your husband is the problem. Not you. You have said nothing about your husband working on trying to deal with his mental health/controlling/inappropriate issues. That is a red flag. He somehow has convinced you that YOU are the problem. You are not.
Remember, you deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Your kids are watching you both, and learning that this is a normal relationship and will repeat these patterns in the future. If not for yourself… for your kids…. this needs to change. Today.
Anony
As others have said, this is controlling and abusive behavior. You improving yourself and standing up to him, in recent years and now as well regarding his “prove it” comments, is only going to make him worse. A controller and abuser does not like to see their victim move out of their control. So know that this is only going to get worse.
I would go to counseling on your own (forget couples counseling; it will not work with someone like this), and start to plan how you can leave and live on your own. I wish I could say there was a way to work this out, but there is not. I am sorry you are going through this, it is awful.
Anonymous
No don’t go to couples counseling with an abuser.
Trish
Agreed. If you have a son, he is learning to be an abuser. If you have a daughter, she is learning to pick a violent and abusive man.
anon
Couples counseling. In fact, it is long overdue. Your DH is being an absolute ass.
Go for it
+100
You deserve better !
Anon
No. This is not redeemable behavior and he’ll just manipulate OP in counseling like he’s been doing their whole marriage.
Anon
I don’t think this is a couples counseling situation.
Anon
Couple counseling can do more harm than good when one partner is controlling and abusive. I would just leave him. Imo couples counseling is for situations where both people are fundamentally well-intentioned but can’t stop bickering or can’t come to a compromise on a big issue. That’s not your situation.
Anon
+1 I tried couples counseling with my verbally abusive ex husband who was ways gaslighting me. Asking me to prove nothing happened sounds exactly like something he would have said. Its impossible proving a negative. He used the couples counseling sessions to blame and shame me. I was responsible for causing him to cheat because I wasn’t affectionate enough. I was too busy working and not paying him enough attention. How dare I gain some weight during our marriage and he only criticized me “because of concern for my health” (I was perfectly healthy, just not as small because it had been 10 years and my body changed!) On and on, and the counselor let him! I got into solo counseling, divorced him, and never looked back.
Anonymous
This. Abusers love to put on a show at counseling. Read some books on narcissists.
anon
I’ve seen suggested here that couples counseling with an abusive person is not beneficial. I would suggest individual therapy. And maybe start talking to a lawyer and start formulating an exit plan. I don’t think he’s going to change.
Anon
I would consider leaving. This is a very unhealthy, abusive dynamic.
Anon
Part of standing up to him and finding your equal footing in this marriage is saying something along the lines of: “We have had this discussion ad nauseam. I took vows. I take them seriously. I need you to stop bringing this up. I am not willing to discuss this again. Our marriage is built on trust. Your constant revisiting of this topic shows you lack trust. It is offensive that you think that me taking care of myself or getting a new hobby means I was unfaithful. I was not unfaithful. I’ve told you that many times. I am telling you that again. If you need to go to counseling to work on your trust issues, please do. This is truly the end of this discussion, forever. For our marriage to move forward, you need to stop this. Forever.”
Then if he wants to discuss it again, “I’m sorry. We’re not discussing this anymore unless you want to go to counseling.” Repeat ad nauseum.
Also, good on you for being stronger, but know that a relationship should make you a better version of yourself. Ask yourself if this man is your partner and champion. It doesn’t sound like it. All the best to you.
Anon
I’d be worried that if you said this kind of thing to a man like OP’s husband he’d get dangerous. Men like that don’t take “no” very well.
Anon
DTMFA
Anon
+1 you are teaching your kids that this is acceptable.
Cat
You divorce him. Even if it were possible to prove a negative, basic trust is fundamental to marriage.
Anon
I would also be deeply concerned about her proving a negative. Every thing that she could do to prove that – letting him go through all her email, check her cell phone locations, have him on all calls/texts with other people, show him bank account statements – would actually be used to control her and prevent her from leaving.
NW Islander
Hi, my ex-husband was just like this. I divorced him. Thankfully no children were involved. Your calculus will be different from mine. But at minimum, I strongly encourage you to start thinking long term about how you can live independently after the kids are out of the house. OR sooner if your husband’s behavior escalates.
Couple’s counseling in the meantime if he will go.
Chl
Piling on. This is terrible. Get yourself a lawyer.
anon
Nothing new here, just adding to the chorus because it feels like you need to hear it. This is controlling and abusive, and he is the problem here not you. This internet stranger is giving you permission to leave/thinks you should. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Anon
Divorce lawyer and STI test (because I bet he’s cheating on you).
Anon
Bingo. The only men I know that exhibit this type of behavior are cheaters.
Anon
Yeah I feel like people who accuse others of cheating with no basis are often cheating themselves.
Anonymous
Well you can’t prove a negative. His question is nonsensical and is intended to allow him to move goalposts. If you ask him, what can I do to prove myself, he will tell you do X then when you do it he will tell you do Y and so on. All you can say is, I didn’t do anything and your paranoia is yours to deal with and I will not entertain it. I think your husband probably cheated and he’s projecting.
Anon
Yes this. You tell him you can not and will not do anything to “prove” this to him because his paranoia is not your problem to solve. If he cannot own his issues and work through them towards a healthy relationship, you decide whether to keep putting up with the abuse or move on.
anonshmanon
You have it right – what could you possibly do to convince him? This is not a game you can win.
Anon
You can’t prove a negative. He sounds abusive. You need to leave.
Explorette
You can’t prove a negative, so his request is ridiculous. Beyond that, just adding on to the above. You should get counseling for yourself and suggest to him that he also get counseling (not couples counseling). Start preparing for divorce. Odds are he will never change this behavior. And good for you for recognizing that it IS abusive and is not okay.
I know divorce is hard and scary, but look at what your choices are. You can 1) stay in this unhealthy, abusive relationship which is bad for you and is a bad model to set for your children, or 2) you can make the hard decision and leave. There’s no middle ground here. There is no option involving, if I say the right thing to him then he will be convinced and we will live happily ever after.
Hugs to you, and you know we are all here and will offer internet support and love!
Anonnnnn
As others have said, you need to leave ASAP. Working on yourself is great, but it won’t fix him. He is controlling and abusive and isn’t going to change.
Anon
Girl just get a divorce. Life is too short for this nonsense.
Anonymous
I am so sorry you are going through this. This is textbook abuse and I think couple’s counseling will not work. Get a lawyer and divorce this man, you deserve to be happy.
p.s.: I say this because this is exactly what my abusive father did to mom and I advised her the same thing when I was in HS. Divorce was the best thing she did, for the both of us.
Trish
Call a lawyer and find a way out. Stat! It will never get better and only get worse as you get older.
A
Innocent until proven guilty.
What is he willing to do to prove you were having an affair?
Dating
Thoughts on signing up for eHarminy or Match as an early 30s woman? I’ve been doing Hinge and Bumble but haven’t had any luck over multiple years and I’m getting frustrated. EHarmony and Match always seemed for more of an older crowd but I’m just desperate enough to try them. Very worried it will be a sea of 50+year old men though…
I just want ONE NICE GUY who is roughly my age. Why is that so hard?!
Anon
Sign up for them all. Widen the nets! If you don’t like it, you can always cancel.
Anon
I met my husband on Bumble in my mid 30s. I also tried Hinge, where I had had fewer matches. If one isn’t working, try another! o also took some online dating breaks. It was exhausting, I met some complete jedks and red flags, but I am so glad I stuck with it. Best of luck to you!
Anon
Dating apps just want your money. They thrive on people being single. That’s why it’s hard. If you happen to successfully match with someone (which some people do) it is due to an anomaly in the algorithm.
Anon
Exactly this, unfortunately.
Anon
+1 – I think the company that owns Match and a couple of the other apps had to admit this in court in a lawsuit. When people find a good match and start dating that person, they cancel their memberships and the company loses out on money. So there’s actually no incentive for the apps to provide good matches, and thus the algorithms really aren’t programmed to provide good matches. From what I understand it’s not fundamentally different than what you’d get from randomized results, especially in less-populated areas.
Anon
Delete the apps. Spend that money on things you actually enjoy. Focus on building a beautiful life for yourself. If you meet a partner along the way, great. If you don’t meet a partner along the way, also great.
Anon
This is such terrible advice. It is okay to want a partner and to spend time pursuing one. Nothing in OP’s post indicate she needs to work on herself.
Anony
OP states the apps have not worked over multiple years. Why keep throwing money at them? There are hundreds of ways to meet people outside of dating apps.