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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 285 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Erica Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Elie Tahari Erica DressI've been ogling this great colorblocked dress by Elie Tahari for a while now, and lo and behold it's on sale at Zappos. I always think black and navy combinations are sophisticated, and a modest V-neck and sleeves are both difficult commodities to find in dresses. The dress was $368, but is now on sale for $330.99. Elie Tahari Erica Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Update: I just realized Saks has it on sale for $257 (plus a video) — lots of sizes still left. (L-3)  

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. tesyaa

    Threadjack/question: any suggestions about how to sell estate jewelry? I’ve heard that appraisals are not really meaningful. I’m in the NYC suburbs (northern NJ) if anyone has a recommendation of an honest merchant. I don’t need top, top dollar but I don’t want to lose out either.

    • Avodah

      Not sure, but make sure the appraiser comes to your home and appraises the jewelry right in front of you. While you watch. I do not recommend dropping off your jewelry for an appraisal.

    • anonfish

      Do any jewelry stores in your area buy estate pieces? Is there a trusted, long-standing store near you? Even if they don’t buy, they may be able to recommend. If not, then ask around for a rec for a jeweler on 47th St. in Manhattan. Everyone knows someone.. (I don’t love the guy I know and if I had to recommend a place, I’d be sending you to Long Island.. so hopefully someone in your area knows someone.)

  2. Ellen

    Oooo! I love TAHARI! And this color block dress also!!! Yay!

    I had alot of troubel walkeing into work today b/c of the goverment shut down. I think there were alot less police and firemen on the street so that the street peeople were causing troubel. Also, I heard there was some troubel on the West Side walkway where 4 peeople were stabbed. I think all of this has alot to DO with the SEQUESTER. Why can’t Congress just pay the policeman and firemen so they will NOT have to go without a PAYCHECK? FOOEY on the sequester!

    I wonder if my case’s will be heard on Friday? I have to call the court to see if the JUDGE is goeing to work. If he is NOT goeing to get paid, I do NOT think he will come in or make his staff work for free. I am goieng to meet his nephew, Micheal, after work on Wednesday. It will be very warm so he will meet me here at work and then we will decide where he is goieng to take me to eat. I hope he does NOT take me to a deli. I have not eaten Italian lately, so I will try and see if we can go to a place near me. I will have to ask the manageing partner when he get’s in if Margie can recomend a place. She used to live near me b/f she married the manageing partner and moved to LI with him. She and some of her freind’s get together at a place so mabye I will go there.

    Frank is here already, and is in the toilet reading the Post. Nothing much else to report. FOOEY b/c I need to clean up b/f work, but I do NOT want to use the hall toilet b/c the maintenenace guy’s are out there waiting for me. DOUBEL FOOEY!

  3. EB0220

    PSA: If you are pregnant and looking for a good fact-based resource on various pregnancy-related decisions (alcohol, caffeine, prenatal testing, epidurals, etc. etc.), Emily Oster’s book, “Expecting Better”, is great. I’m not even pregnant and I’m fascinated by it. Highly recommended.

    • TBK

      Loved this book. Prof Oster is definitely my long lost sister. It’s like she’s me (only much, much smarter and more accomplished. Associate professor of economics at Chicago at, what, 33? Phew!)

      • EB0220

        I know. My economist + momma brain loves her, but, d*mn she is much more accomplished as an economist than I am!

    • Watermelon

      Agree! I wish there was an expanded version of the book available that went into some of the studies more. I don’t think there’s much market appeal for such an expansion, but I’d really appreciate it.

      • EB0220

        Me too! I did notice that she repeats the book content in her series of articles on Slate, and often links to the relevant studies. I read a few of them that way.

      • EB0220

        Also – I am ready for the sequel I am already writing for her in my head….

    • R

      I lived on the Pregnant Chicken and Lucie’s List websites when I was pregnant. Very fact based, practical, and intelligent.

    • EC MD

      Oh yes yes yes! I feel as though I shouldn’t really have to go to work today, especially since I live in the mountains and fall is gorgeous right now. If only I could get my hands on some cider donuts…

      • Sydney Bristow

        Mmmmm cider donuts.

        I won’t know for sure until tomorrow, but I’m really hoping to have the weekend off soo can go apple picking! Cross your fingers for me!

      • michelle

        I had a cider doughnut for breakfast! My daughter went to the local orchard on Sunday and bought them fresh from the oven after apple picking… wow this sounds wholesome! AND she baked a pie from the apples. I swear she has tattoos and multiple piercings, even though she sounds like Holly Hobby here.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Wait, why have I never heard of cider donuts? That sounds so good. I need to investigate.

      • Best Day Ever!!

        I live in DC and think that if Congress gets Mountain Day I should too… apparently that isn’t how it works :(

        I want cider donuts desperately- I wonder if Atkins ships outside the valley

        Mary Ann- cider donuts are cinnamon sugary cidery deliciousness- they’re basically an old fashioned plain donuts with a cider flavor and come either with or without a sugar outside
        (http://www.atkinsfarms.com/atkins-cider-donuts)

      • TCFKAG

        My husband learned to make at-home cider donuts this weekend. They were delicious – though not as delicious for our waist line.

      • Calibrachoa

        I had to google what those are. *shakes fist* Now I have to learn how to make them… or something…

    • ohc

      Wait, what other place is this that has Mountain Day? Because my alma mater’s was last Thursday.

    • Divaliscious11

      Well we don’t have Mountain day like you lades over the 116 Hill, or down Route 9, but we have Atkins Market next door with THE very best cider donuts on the planet!

      cider donuts for everyone!

      ps.. I heard they deliver….

      • Best Day Ever!!

        I’m investigating this delivery service… it might be the perfect thing for celebrating fall

  5. Anonymous

    Apologies for an early TJ but I need some advice. So I have a meeting set up with the manager of a group who is currently hiring. This would be a promotion for me. I know there are at least 4 other internal candidates. Do you think I should take this opportunity to mention that I’m interested (I have already applied) and perhaps ask for any advice he may have? I’m afraid that this may come off as too aggressive but when I spoke to a recent colleague who got promoted, she told me there’s no such thing as being too aggressive.How would you phrase this conversation so it’s not awkward?

    • Anon

      Just ask straight out. Letting people know you’re genuinely interested is only going to work in your favor.

    • Veronique

      I would come up with specific questions to ask about the position/department (similar to interview questions) instead of a general request for advice.

    • Houston Attny

      Agree with these suggestions. Letting someone know you are interested and have applied and “I have a couple of questions about the position if you have a minute.” (I’m not sure if your meeting is related to the job opening but based on what you’ve written, I’m thinking not.) I agree with specific questions, not just general request for advice.

  6. AMB

    Advice on dealing with a micromanager? I cc her on almost everything I send (as requested), but still receive ‘helpful reminders’ that she wants to review anything going up to our superiors, which I already do. I try to restrain my passive aggressiveness but I’ve actually been here longer than she has.

    • CapHillAnon

      Ooo. I’ve been there, and it isn’t a picnic. What worked for me for a while was to preempt it a bit: I drafted and presented my supervisor with weekly updates that hadn’t been requested; emailed frequent, long updates with more details than were necessary “just to keep him in the loop,” etc. It was time-consuming (and was motivated by some passive aggression on my part), but it was effective. It did get him to back off a bit. We hit a pretty good stride. Your micro-manager might also back off once she has tangible proof that you do a careful, good job.

      Even when he was better, though, I was frustrated at having to spend my energy managing up, and after about a year and a half, I’d had it. I realized that it was a waste of my professional energy that my focus was primarily on appeasing him instead of sharpening my skills or expanding my knowledge of the subject area. I tried to manuever to a different supervisor, which was not really possibly in that organization, and started looking for a new job. Now I’m in an ideal place and can’t believe that I dealt with that for so long.

      Do what you can to manage it, but keep an eye on your own professional development, and cut your losses if you are in a cycle that is not going to improve. Best of luck.

      • LizNYC

        +1 I did this for about 2 years (yay, suffering economy + sinking ship of an industry) until I finally found a new position where I was treated like the responsible adult I am. There is no pleasing a micromanager.

    • TBK

      I’d say “I believe I’ve been cc’ing you on [all emails to superiors/clients/going out of the organization] and have been sending you all [memos/reports/etc.] going to superiors but is there something else you had wanted to see that you feel you might be missing? I want to make sure you have access to everything you need to see.” If she says that you’re doing just what she wants, you might say “Oh, good. When I get reminder emails from you, I just get nervous that I’m missing something!” Maybe she’ll take the hint.

    • Brant

      So….I micromanage one of my employees, exactly as you describe– cc me on everything, give me a chance to review the work before it’s passed on. It’s because her work isn’t very good. Her “finals” are very much draft versions (typos, formatting issues, etc). She also tends to email everyone and their mother about issues that are really best left to a weekly update.

      I’ve talked to her about the email deluge and that’s why I have the “copy me on everything” request. I still get comments that it’s too much from other groups. I also ALWAYS send back changes/edits to her work, and we’ve met before on what “final” really means.

      I should add that I have other direct reports for which I do not have these requirements. So my suggestion to you is to figure out if there is some kind of concern about your work quality or style. Does she make changes to whatever you’re looking to pass on to supervisors?

      • Brant

        Actually, also, I have a direct report that is not in my office. I ask to be copied on things so I understand what he’s working on (it often seems like he doesn’t have enough to do….). I had originally asked for a weekly update on what he’s been up to/ outstanding work/ what’s in the hopper, but it fizzled and when he did do it, it didn’t include the things I actually knew he had been working on!

    • hellskitchen

      Leave. Seriously. You will get lots of advice about proactively copying her on everything but true micromanagers are never satisfied. Only caveat is if she has just started in which case you might want to give it some time to see what her normal way of operating is. I had a manager who micromanaged when she first started on the job but gradually let things go once she got to know her team and built some trust.

      • Anon

        I dealt with this same situation for a year (it was a partner that was the issue). I talked to a couple of other partners and let them know know the degree of micro management I was dealing with. They agreed that it was extreme because they had no issues with my work. After months of them promising me they’d deal with the issue I finally found a new job. My leaving prompted them to bring in an outside consultant to address the issue. Sometimes upper management just doesn’t get it until you leave, unfortunately. Hopefully the environment of the firm is better now that they’ve addressed the issue.

    • AMB

      I’m definitely working on an exit strategy but I take all’s points and think another conversation is in order. I appreciate the suggestions for how to frame it!

  7. KP

    Threadjack/question: I’m closing in on my 30th birthday and figure it’s past time to learn more about financial planning and home buying. Any recommendations for good blogs/books/websites?

    • Sydney Bristow

      Here is my list of what I’ve been reading or listening to that I’ve found helpful.

      Books:
      Your Money or Your Life
      I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi (he also has a blog but it is less focused on personal finance)
      The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

      Podcasts:
      The Clark Howard Show
      The Dave Ramsey Show (just a heads up that he includes a fair amount of religious stuff. If that isn’t your thing I find that I can tune that part out for the most part)
      The Suze Orman Show

      Blogs:
      Mr Money Mustache
      I also try out the blogs of regular commenters on Mr Money Mustache

      • MJ

        I would also add NPR’s Marketplace Money podcast (new episodes each weekend). They focus on current event-related personal finance and general personal finance.

        You could also subscribe to Money Magazine. I find that a lot of their advice is related to retirees, but it helps me learn. They also have good “tuneups” which help you figure out if you are in the right place for your age (based on averages), articles about personal finance topics that are a little “ahead” of where I am (home insurance, long term care insurance, etc.), and money-saving articles (how to get the best deal when buying a car, etc.).

        • Sydney Bristow

          Oh yes I forgot about Marketplace Money. I’ve only been listening to it for a couple of months. It’s great.

    • Hel-lo

      I bought Home Buying for Dummies. I’m not ashamed to admit it. And I got myself a cute little condo. Done.

      I also really liked Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich by Lois Frankel, author of NGDGTCO. I read some other financial planning books “for women”, written by men, and others were really condescending.

  8. Step-Parents

    I’m seriously dating a guy who has a young daughter who he has half of the time. I have no children of my own and don’t plan to have any biological kids. If we get married, I want to be a great step-mom. However, I have no real experience from which to figure out what that looks like; my biological parents are still married, as are his, and most of my friends’ parents were not divorced.

    There must be a lot of women here who are step moms, have children who have step-moms, or were raised with a step-mom.

    What is your advice on how to be a good step-parent?
    What do you wish your step-parent had/had not done (and what are you glad she/he did)?
    What do you wish your child’s step-parent would/would not do (and what are you glad they do)?
    How have you been a good step-parent (and what are the lessons about being a step-parent you have learned, perhaps the hard way)?

    And if anyone can suggest any books/blogs/etc. that have been helpful, I would appreciate those resources as well.

    • oil in houston

      I had (various) step-mums, my $0.2:
      What is your advice on how to be a good step-parent? don’t ever try to be her mum, she already has one; but you can be a friendly ear and be the non-judgmental person she confides into
      What do you wish your step-parent had/had not done (and what are you glad she/he did)? She tried to get my dad to raise us in a way she would have done it, as opposed to how he was doing it. This killed any hope of relationship for us (as in her and me, and him and me). She did spend time with me and did girly thing with me, which my mum didn’t have the time to do, it was cool (she was also a lot younger than my mum, which helped)

    • TBK

      I had a stepmom. I only saw her about a week or two a year (which is all the time I saw my dad) but I think she did a really great job. My mom is also a stepmom, so I’ve seen that perspective, too. To be a good stepmom, I think you:
      – Respect her mom (even if you don’t really respect her mom). This means not undermining her way of raising her daughter when she’s with you. Never say anything bad about her mother, not even indirectly or through facial expression, body language, or tone of voice. The mother may be fine, but even if she’s a nightmare, the little girl is devoted to her and a huge sense of her self-worth is likely to be tied up in her image of her mother. Don’t damage the girl’s opinion of her mother.
      – If the girl’s father and mother have a disagreement, encourage the father to work it out with the mother. Don’t take sides. You can talk it through with your husband, but this is something he needs to work out with his ex. But do encourage him to work it out. It isn’t good for anyone if the disagreement stands and there are different rules in mom’s house and in dad’s house.
      – Stand up for your husband and stand up for yourself. Both my dad and my stepdad had huge non-custodial parent guilt. I’ve seen so many dads feel like they have to make their homes magical for their children to “win” them over and get their forgiveness for disrupting the family (even if it wasn’t the dad’s “fault” the marriage failed). The result is they let their kids walk all over them out of fear the kids won’t like them otherwise. This is really important when they’re teenagers, but it’s worth laying the foundation early on. Stepkids don’t have to love or even like their stepparents, but they do need to behave respectfully towards them. Insist your husband establish boundaries to protect you, including protecting you from the ex-wife (e.g., the ex can’t pull scheduling shenanigans that totally disrupt your life, the kids must say “hello” to you and “please” and “thank you”, or must keep their room tidy, etc.). My stepmom never, ever reprimanded or tried to discpline me EXCEPT when she thought I was being rude to my dad. When I forgot Father’s Day one year, I got an earful from her. And I loved and respected her for it. She loved my dad and was getting all grizzlybear to protect him because I’d made him sad. Good for her!
      – Don’t expect the little girl to love you. Don’t feel hurt if she’s cold to you. Her life has been turned upside down. You’re easy to lash out at. The best stepparents realize they are the adults and are steadily loving, warm, and welcoming to the stepchildren no matter how the children behave.
      Good luck! It’s a hard job. It takes a lot of patience and the payoff can be long in coming (like not until the kids are in their 20s, if then), but my stepparents have been a great addition to my life and I’m very grateful for both of them.

      • Aon

        I have been both a stepmom, and a biomom to a child who has a stepmom.
        I think all of TBK’s advice is spot on.

        I am divorced from my stepson’s dad now, and my stepson is an adult. We still have a relationship, and I have a relationship my stepson’s mother now (although it was super contentious with her when my ex and I were married, for a number of reasons I have a better idea of now that I am on the other “side”).

        I would just add that your stepchild’s mom is not your enemy, so don’t make her one. Even if you think she’s made you one, you don’t have to react in kind. Remember that at some point, your boyfriend picked her to be with intimately, whether the child was intentional or not. So don’t blame her for every problem you have with him or with the child. Kids are pretty smart, and just because they behave one way at your house with you doesn’t mean they behave in a like way at her house with her and she ‘lets them’.

        As far as discipline, I always found it easiest to think of myself like an aunt as far as my “place” as the stepparent. That is, I am not the mother, and I should not try to behave as if i were. That said, this is your home and when the child is in it, she needs to behave by the house rules. If dad is present, he should discipline. If not, you can step in like you would for a niece or nephew. (obviously, this might vary depending on your family’s position on discipline of extended family members!) But it worked for me, because in my family, an aunt or uncle might give you a time out if needed if parents weren’t around, or send you to a room to cool off, but things like spanking or grounding were left to parents to deal with when they got back. I hope that makes sense!

        My last bit of advice is don’t get in the middle of issues between your boyfriend and his ex. I did it when I was the stepmom. I felt like she was walking on him/taking advantage/etc. Well, maybe she was, but that was his to deal with. It is way too easy for dad to step back and let the women ‘fight about it’, because then he doesn’t have to ever be the ‘bad guy’ with the kids. Nuh uh. Scheduling issues? The parents need to handle it. Dad’s got to take the reins, or your in for years of fighting over stupid crap. Believe me, it isn’t worth it.

        • ANON STEPPIE

          I totally agree with the aunt analogy.

          It’s great to be a fun bonus adult in someone’s life.

          • Step-Parents

            These are exactly the types of comments and suggestions I was hoping for. Thank you, ladies!

    • Anon

      I know this is not always possible, but one of my child’s friends has a step-mother and she and the bio mom get along so great. It is really, really nice to see. The step-mom takes a real interest in the child’s life (example–goes to his baseball games even when it is child’s weekend with mom and the dad is at work.) I overhear their conversations about the children and it is clear the step-mom cares, but also respects the bio mom’s role. It probably helps that the dad and step-dad all get along great too. So try and build a true friendship with the mother, if at all possible.

      (My mom HATED my step-mother and it put me in a really hard place as a teenager. I have written about it here before, but I felt like I had to show loyalty to my mother by being awful to my step-mother. Had the two of them just got along–which I see now was mostly my mother’s fault that they didn’t–my teenage years would have been a little smoother.)

      • Another step-mom

        Ditto on everything the other steps said.

        Also discuss with your boyfriend what his expectations are and where your boundaries are. My now husband wanted me to treat/feel/love his daughter as if she were my own. I didn’t, and still don’t. I do love her and care about her, and it’s mutual, but it’s not a mother-daughter relationship and both of she and I are fine with it. It took me a while to get over feeling guilty for not feeling that way (some steps do, some don’t), and it took even longer for my husband to accept this, but he has.

        For us (SD and I), this is because we see each other a few time a year (she’s long distance), she has a perfectly good relationship with her mom, and her mom parents very differently than I would.

        Good luck — it’s a tough path.

    • My Stepkids' Mom

      I suggest that you and your BF read Wednesday Martin’s “Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do” and discuss it in detail. Some “pre-marital” sessions with a counselor who has expertise in blended families can also help a lot.

      While I agree with others who say that it is best if everyone can get along, I think it is important to recognize the difference between a blended family that isn’t getting along because people aren’t playing nice with each other (a situation that can be helped by your being pleasant or exacerbated by your being difficult) and a blended family that isn’t getting along because the other adult is threatening you, calling you names, manipulating and/or alienating the children against the “targeted” parent, unecessarily engaging with the other household in a high-conflict way and the like.

      The latter situation cannot be helped by your being pleasant. If your household or your maybe-one-day stepdaughter is being treated that way, it is time for professional interception. I personally believe that we waited too long to be realistic about the way my stepkids’ mom was behaving (years of the above), so that by the time we retained professionals to help with the chaos she had created (therapists for the kids, blended-family counselor for us, lawyers), it was too late to undo the mess.

  9. NOLA

    So wow! What a night last night! Totally incredible and fun. Of course, I only got 6 hours of sleep and I feel like I’ve been beaten. The purse worked well (it rained so good to have the plastic) except that the chain got hard on my neck as the evening wore on. I think I would have preferred the NFL backpack. And wearing a waffle hoodie was perfect for the temperature indoors and I had a hood to somewhat protect my hair from the rain. Note to self – put a comb in that tiny purse!

    • Senior Attorney

      So glad you had a great time! I watched it on TV and thought of you! What a fun evening for Saints fans! :)

    • anonfish

      I think I missed it.. did you end up getting the Fleurty Girl bag? Just curious! Glad you had fun!

      • NOLA

        No, I didn’t. The Fleurty Girl bag I saw online was similar but more expensive and the handle was shorter. The one I bought, from a store called Little Miss Muffin, is an envelope style purse with a long chain that you can wear crossbody style and it was only $25. Pretty flimsy and won’t hold up, but it worked.

    • zora

      Yay!!! So glad that despite the silly new rules, you had a wonderful time. ;o) I totally don’t follow football, but Geaux Saints!!

  10. Poll?

    Regular poster, anon so this does not out me.

    I am moving into a more ‘managerial’ role at my law firm for our litigation files. I was wondering, what sorts of things do you think would make your cases run more effectively/ in a more organized fashion? Or, for anyone in corporate law, what would make your deals run more effectively (my role might expand into managing that aspect eventually…don’t ask how I’m going to accomplish this!)

  11. Big transition

    Ladies, I need some advice on how to handle my mother in law (MIL) moving in permanently into our home. Living with one’s inlaws is very much the cultural norm and DH, as the eldest son, has always known (and been very frank with me) that he would one day need to take care of his mom. So while I knew in my head that this was coming, the fact that she is finally moving in with us is now stressing me out somewhat.

    Some background – she is moving from abroad and has never lived in the US (although has visited many times). She is a widow and has lived alone for many years, and wants to be closer to her children and grandchildren. Having her live in a separate apt is not an option. She will be living in our 2 bed/2 bath apt in the city – so no MIL suite or anything like that. She is in her mid-60s, healthy, outgoing, friendly, speaks very good English, and is a great cook. She will likely be living with us half the year and the other half with my SIL, who lives across the country.

    Pros: she will take over cooking all of the meals, she will be an extra pair of hands to help with my infant son (but will not replace daycare, as I want my son to continue going there), and overall she is a pretty easygoing person to get along with

    Cons:

    1) The obvious lack of privacy. Although I am extroverted, I have sometimes felt stifled when she has stayed with us for months on end before. I know that we need to set some boundaries and do things without her (ie: date nights), but I feel bad doing this. And she does not understand this concept – again, a cultural thing – families do everything together and the idea of leaving an older parent at home is not really the norm.

    2) The fact that she will be relying on us solely for her social network. That is understandable because she does not know anyone, but she doesn’t really understand that there are times when we want to go out with friends and it’s not really appropriate for her to tag along (of course, there are times when we will definitely invite her too). In the past, she has also wanted to lots of things on weekends and to be entertained all the time, and we just don’t have the time or energy to do that (I am hoping this will not be as much of an issue now that she has a grandson to entertain her).

    3) DH and MIL have had a difficult relationship, although it has improved by leaps and bounds over the years. DH knows that he needs to be the “bad guy” and talk to MIL if issues arise, which is good, but they have fought in the past.

    I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do – she’s lonely and wants to be closer to us and that totally makes sense. And she really makes a big effort to be helpful and the fact that she will cook will be a huge help. AND, I have always wanted my son to have a close relationship with his grandparents so I think having her live with us will be very good for him.

    BUT, I am still feeling very very anxious about it. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • AN

      No advice but you are a wonderful person to allow her to move in for half the year. I have inlaws stay two months each year but would not be able to have them 6 mths out of 12. I am south Asian so I do understand the cultural stuff.

      I would agree with SIL on how her time would be split with you guys.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Are there any cultural groups in your area that she can join or that you can join as a family until she makes friends? My husband’s grandmother (a widow in her 60’s at the time) married a polish man who barely spoke English. He was extremely active in their local Polish American Club. She (not at all Polish) started going to events with him there. He passed away a few years back but the Club has treated her like family. They make sure she still participates and has friends and gets meals and all that fun stuff. She has reclusive depressive tendencies and this Club has been an absolute life saver for her, and by extension, my husband’s family. I would imagine such a resource could help your MIL as well.

      • Brant

        My grandmother had/has the same experience with her local senior center. She volunteered there starting at age 60. She and my grandfather were very very involved and it was a huge support network when my grandfather died a decade later. Now grandma is in her late 80s and that senior center is a phenomenal resource for her– a place to hang out, feel useful, lots of social interaction, etc.

      • Diana Barry

        +1.

        BTW, despite the cultural norms, if it gets to be too much for you and DH, you may want to reevaluate after the first 6-month stint. Would she be able to move into a studio nearby, or an active adult community near you or SIL?

        I would keep your date nights as priority #1, once a week at least. Particularly when there is someone staying with us, they become even more important.

        • Monday

          I also wonder if at least some of the date nights can end with a hotel room rather than coming home to MIL. I know she won’t love that, but maintaining some true privacy and ease with just you and your husband will be crucial, and for me this would help a lot.

    • Brant

      Where does your son fit into the picture? With 2BRs, does the baby sleep in the living room? With you and DH? How will you plan for this as the baby ages and room sharing is no longer feasible?

      Are there networks of people from her country in your area you can get her involved with (religious orgs., volunteer groups, etc?).

      For date nights/ alone time, getting her to babysit the kiddo seems like less of an offense–you wouldn’t have MIL AND baby tag along on these dates, right? If worse came to worse, I’d just start calling them work events. But I’d also move out before any family member moved into a 2BR apartment with me except under life-or-death circumstances. :/

    • marketingchic

      I don’t have any experience with this, but I wonder if your MIL might find some activities she enjoys after she’s settled in? Maybe something with a religious organization or volunteering – such as with children, or teaching English as a second language?

    • Cb

      Yikes! That is a big transition. No direct advice but could you look into resources for grandparents, play groups she could take the little one to and meet people her age? Cultural activities, volunteer work? I get tired after 3 days of house guests, I can’t imagine someone there full time. Is your bedroom set up as a bit of a sanctuary, ie. is there a seating area where the two of you could retreat?

    • Anne

      Another potential pro: She will possibly be an additional set of hands to drop-off/pick-up at daycare. I haven’t got kids, but from my colleagues who have, it seems like a stress-point to get to the daycare after it opens/before it closes. Having an extra set of hands to do just one of those things even occasionally would possibly help, for going into work earlier/leaving later for you and your husband.

      I’ll also echo getting her into some social activities in the area. Senior citizen groups, hobbies, cultural groups, whatever. If both of you are working, and your son is in daycare, what would she do all day? Plus side to this would be that she meets people, and might develop a social life herself in the evenings.

      My 90+ year old grandmother who used to be very active socially, after she started forgetting with dementia, withdrew for a period of time and stayed mostly home alone. She then started going to the senior centre for activities and thrived. In retrospect, I wish we would have encouraged her to go earlier, while she was younger.

      The importance would be framing it for her so that it would be all about her enjoying herself and getting to know the area and people, and having something to do when you are at work.

    • Anne Shirley

      1.) why isn’t a separate apt an option? Money, lack of availability, or her preference? I think I’d tell hubby that you’re willing to work on this, but 3 adults and a rapidly growing child in a 2 bedroom isn’t sustainable long term

      2.) her culture isnt the only one in play. In her culture, she does everything with you. In yours, sounds like she wouldn’t be living with you at all. You’re being flexible, and she needs to be too. Which may involve sitting her down and saying- we need couple time and time with our friends without you. And then doing it. She may be hurt, but at some point her feelings are her responsibility to deal with.

      3.) communicate. With her, with your husband, with yourself. Don’t get stuck in thinking that because you did things one way for the first 6 months you have to keep it up forever.

      • TBK

        I’m not sure I’d dismiss the cultural aspect so quickly. It sounds like it’s really, really important to both husband and MIL. It’s a lot for an older person to pick up and move to a totally new country and new culture. It sounds like she’s already going to need to compromise a bit to adjust to OP and husband going out without her, and I’m sure the whole process will be a major cultural adjustment just to live in a new country. I think it would be unfair to also ask her to live separately after she moved halfway around the world to be with them. But I think all the suggestions to help her create her own friend network are great. I’m sure she’d love just to meet some people her own age from her own background, even if only for the chance to chitchat in her own language with its own nuances and references once in awhile.

        Also, part of why a separate apartment isn’t an option seems to be because it seems like the husband made it plain from the beginning that his mom would be moving in with them eventually (at least, that’s how I read the post) and so if OP accepted that as part of what marriage would mean, I don’t think she can change the ground rules now. It’s not clear if this would have been a deal breaker for him, but it seems like it might have been.

    • ss

      You are a good person to do this. One more suggestion for helping her to cultivate some friends of her own : ask your husband and his sister to make an active effort to reach out to any friends from their country of origin and see if they can set up intro’s to those of their own folks who live within reach.

    • Godzilla

      A lot of people have given you advice about setting boundaries and trying to maintain some sort of independence. In addition, I think it would be helpful if you had an honest heart-to-heart conversation with her and let her know that you’re all adjusting to a new living arrangement as a family. Set up some focused activities the two of you share to strengthen your relationship so that she’s more than just a dreaded MIL. Whether you two bond over a favorite tv show, knitting, brunch, grocery shopping, etc, work on developing a bond that will eventually allow room for informality. Think about the kind of relationship you want with her given the givens and create a mitigation strategy. If you’re living together, you need to have a healthy relationship independent of your husband’s relationship with his mother.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Is there any chance your family and SIL’s could split the year 3-3-3-3 instead of 6-6 (or even 4-4-4)? I don’t know if that would be too much back-and-forth for MIL, but it certainly sounds like it would be good for your sanity if you could keep the stretches of living together shorter.

      Also, any chance MIL has the funds to kick in for a larger apartment? Having more personal space would likely help as well.

    • Big transition

      Thank you all so much for the helpful comments. I wanted to respond to some of your inquiries:

      1. The cultural/religious activities will be key. The issue is that a lot of these events happen in the burbs and we live in the city, and MIL has never driven a day in her life. So in the short term, we will need to drive her. However, we have at least one family friend who is the same age as MIL and she lives 1/2 mile away, and I am planning to connect them. Family friend is also actively involved in the senior center and I think it’s a fantastic idea if MIL tags along for those activities. I also want to encourage MIL to take some community college classes so that she is not totally bored at home. She never had the chance to go to college so I feel this is something that she might enjoy doing. She is comfortable with taking public transportation so that will help her become a lot more mobile.

      2. Re: living separately, TBK hits the nail on the head. It’s a huge huge transition for her as well to uproot her life and move across the world, leaving her friends behind. I don’t think it would be right to ask her to live apart. But also, having a parent live apart in this situation is such a totally foreign concept culturally and would be considered very offensive, frankly. My family members get offended if I even offer them a hotel when they visit us (they consider hotels for “guests”). As an aside, it also would not be practical given that she is only here 6 months of the year so we would need to get a month to month, which is pretty impossible to find in the city (not to mention obscenely pricey).

      Long term, we need a bigger place for sure. Baby is currently in our bedroom but he will need his own room eventually. This will likely mean moving to the burbs (boo).

      To clarify, DH is not thrilled with the idea of her living with us (as mentioned, they are not that close), but has always seen it as his “duty” to care for his mom and have her live with us.

      And I agree that communication is key. DH is very sensitive to the fact that I am stressed and wants to set up some “ground rules” after MIL settles in so that we are up front about expectations and how things will be at home. We have never done this in the past when she has visited us and I’m hoping that being up front will ultimately help. I think it will hurt her feelings frankly if we go on dates or do things and leave her at home (esp. when she is at home all day by herself) but DH knows that we need to do this and is totally on board with it.

      And finally, thanks for saying that I am a good person. :) I feel somewhat guilty that I am stressed about this because I know how excited MIL is to be here and spend time with her grandsom (whom she has never met). And when I mentioned feeling this way to my mom, she told me that I needed to get over it and this is just how things are done in our South Asian community.

      Thanks ladies. I suspect that I will be providing updates to the group as this all unfolds.

      • bto

        Dont feel guilty being stressed! it is a huge life change. I totally get the mom living with you and not in a seperate apartment, but I think a new place is key- somewhere with a third bedroom and hopefully with a little seperation (maybe seperate floors for the bedrooms, or her own suite within the house) I think this will also be wonderful in the long run for your son.

      • R

        One last word of advice – please try your best to strike a balance between your son getting to know his grandmother, and him being her source of entertainment. I grew up in a somewhat-comparable situation (grandpa passed away young, grandma lived with us) and my grandma latched onto my younger brother in an unhealthy way. He became her stand-in husband and she was so used to taking care of someone/ anyone, so she doted on his every need. He obviously loved her, but had to work through a lot of issues from things like feeling like he was “abandoning” her when he wanted to play with kids his own age.

      • Silvercurls

        Since this sounds like a fairly typical experience in your community, can you (or you and DH) network to find other young families who are doing what you are doing? It might be helpful to share ideas and hear how others have handled the challenges of running a multi-generational household that combines elements of South Asian community traditions with elements of um, for lack of a better term, mainstream hectic North American family life and customs. A side benefit might be that if you can arrange some low-key social gatherings involving all generations in all families, the elders might form friendships, or decide that they could meet to take the grandchildren to playgrounds / traditional cultural events or teach the grandkids how to cook traditional foods, or whatever.

        If the adults can all get along (which will mean everyone has to compromise and accept that “different” choices do not automatically equal bad decisions) the children will benefit from having such close contact with their grandparents.

      • NYC

        You have gotten lots of great tips. A few more:

        Think about finding a weekly or monthly activity for MIL, DH, and the baby to do together. A music class, a regular brunch, trip to the park, etc. Make it a tradition. She will love the time with her son, and you can stay home and watch tv alone.

        When my MIL has stayed with us, I found it very helpful to have a shared tv show that we watch. That way we are together, but I don’t have to talk (I am extroverted, too, but still resented having to talk to someone at the end of the day).

        Try to make the date night work! Most grandmas love being useful, so hopefully she will see that side of it and not take offense.

        My MIL moved to our neighborhood from far away (but has her own apt, 1 mile away). She met people through a non-religious ethical type society in the area and through some grandparent groups in our neighborhood. You might post something on the parenting listserv in your hood if there isn’t a formal grandparent group.

        You might also consider finding a music class she can take the baby, too, so she has something regular to do with the baby during the week. Even if it means taking him out of daycare early or bringing him in late.

      • Kate

        I may be in a similar situation in the future (with the extra bonus of me being an introvert – yikes). The advice you’ve gotten here is really useful and I’ll definitely be mentally bookmarking it. You sound like a really generous and kind person – don’t forget to make time for YOU! If you can have some kind of little ritual for yourself, whether it’s pedicures with girlfriends or a morning run or whatever you like, I think it will really be important to make sure you don’t neglect yourself with all the family responsibilities and family time.

      • Hel-lo

        Wow. You don’t mention what your culture is, but wow. There is no way I could adjust this easily to my MIL moving across the world and into a 2BR with DH and me and a baby!!

        I have learned from children of immigrants, though: If you raise a kid in the U.S., you’re raising an American kid. Your MIL might have to face that the hard way about your husband. (I’m assuming he grew up in the U.S.)

    • Veronique

      How about including and agreeing with your SIL on the ground rules (similar to the stepmom convo above). That way there’s consistency in both houses and it eliminates/reduces the potential for a good daughter/bad daughter dynamic.

    • Anon for this

      Also a member of the south asian community. Have one kid. My MIL and FIL live with us for 5 to 6 months in a year (the rest back home in another country). My DH has a sibling but they don’t live with him.
      I have a lot to say on this topic, hopefully helpful, and maybe we can learn from each other. Do you want to email me at app stuff at yahoo dot com [remove spaces and use ampersand and . to replace], to discuss more?

  12. ohc

    Apropos of some conversations we’ve been having on here recently about the perils of bad managers, I’m curious: how did you guys learn to be good managers? Trial and error? Books? Self-study?

    • hellskitchen

      Observing strong managers in practice and a lot of guided self-reflection and coaching. I used to scoff at taking time out to reflect on my managerial skills or role playing management techniques, preferring instead to just learn “on the job.” But my employer provided lots of structured opportunities to build management skills and once I started taking advantage of those, I became much better. A couple of tips –
      1) See if you can find a work buddy who’s also interested in becoming a better manager. My work buddy and I scheduled regular management checkins where one of us brought a situation/problem and the other person gave objective feedback and ideas on solving it. We also role played difficult conversations and I cannot tell you how helpful that was

      2) Keep a journal or a draft email where you jot down good management practices when you see them e.g. I saw another manager tee up the team to send best wishes by email to a colleague who was completing 5 years in her role. Such a simple thing but the colleague was really touched by not just her manager, but her team remembering this milestone. I jotted down that idea as it would never have occurred to me to do so.

      3) Transparency – lots of it! In my experience (albeit limited) my team members can handle bad news (no promotions, project was not approved etc.) as long as I am transparent with them about what’s happening and don’t treat them like they need to be sheltered from bad news. Make sure you just share facts and don’t lean on your direct reports to process your own feelings about the bad news, but otherwise being transparent really goes a long way in building trust

    • Monday

      Not to discourage replies at all, but I am not sure people can judge themselves as managers very accurately (“good” vs. not good). I just read in “Difficult Conversations” that most managers believe their employees see them as “effective, competent, and caring,” but when the employees themselves were surveyed they had much lower opinions of the bosses. To me, that says the employees had been “effective, competent and caring” enough to hide their actual feelings about the supervisors! The downside is that the supervisors don’t benefit from honest constructive feedback since, let’s face it, employees can rarely give it.

      • hellskitchen

        This is a great point! Perhaps it should be a management mantra – “You are not as good a manager as you think you are.” My previous job had no system for giving honest feedback to managers and I probably overestimated my management effectiveness. My current job has an anonymous 360 process and I trust the feedback I get from it much more. But I know that I am not naturally a great manager and therefore I have had to be deliberate about getting the support and coaching I need to become better. I think some of the practices I suggest above could help whether one is a bad manager and trying to be good or whether you are a good manager trying to be better.

      • Anonymous

        How does one fix this? Small company = anonymous reviews won’t really work.

  13. Paging Emily Post

    Ladies,

    I recently received a bonus in my paycheck as a result of my work towards a large jury trial in which we received a complete defense verdict in our favor.
    But the thing is, nobody told me I was getting a bonus. I actually found out because my direct deposit came in at nearly double my normal amount and when I went to tell accounting that there had been an error, she showed me the note where it had been allocated to me as a bonus from this trial.
    But neither the managing partner nor the senior partner overseeing this trial have said a word to me about this bonus. So, how do I go about thanking them for the bonus? Maybe I’m overthinking this, but it seems a little awkward to thank them when they didn’t tell me (and but for me reporting the ‘error’ to accounting would never have learned).

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think going out of your way to thank them is required or appropriate. This is a bonus you EARED for your hard work on the trial. If either comes by to tell you, a simple thank you at the time would be fine. But going out of your way seems too much – would a guy at your firm go out of his way to thank them or would he consider the bonus something that he was entitled to given his hard work.

    • Godzilla

      That is such a nice problem to have. I would bring it up the partners in a self deprecating joking manner, “So I went to accounting thinking that I accidentally got paid too much. Thanks for the bonus!” Obviously, ymmv, as I’m learning lawyer types are very serious people.

      • Anonymous

        we aren’t that serious :) but you don’t thank your boss for a bonus- its not a gift, its your pay.

        • Godzilla

          Ha ha. I mean, I deserve my promotion but I definitely do thank my supervisors when they let me know. But I agree that I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

    • Anonymous

      Do you thank your boss every week for your paycheck?

      Don’t thank them for the bonus. If someone mentions it to you face to face, a thank you is fine, but do not go looking for them to thank them.

      • Carrie Preston

        Really? I don’t think it’s bad to thank your manager – it’s more thanking them for recognizing the work/effort/good job, etc. that you did. I see nothing wrong with this.

      • Walnut

        I thank my manager for all pay raises/bonuses/etc. I know they go to bat and fight for my compenstation, just as I make sure to broadcast the good work my direct reports do for me.

      • a lawyer

        As a partner, a bonus IS a bonus, not earned, unless you have a guaranteed bonus, which does not sound like the case. A bonus is something the partners/shareholders discussed and decided to give you, out of their share of the profits, presumably because they think your work was excellent and deserved extra recognition. I’m the most generous person in my office when it comes to bonuses, but the thought that a bonus is not something to thank the partners for blows my mind. And, yes, sometimes it IS a fight to get bonuses for employees. Thanks never hurt, but it could seem ungrateful not to thank them.

  14. Anon Associate

    I’m feeling totally aimless in my job. I think I hate it – I’m so frustrated constantly and have no motivation to do anything at work ever. But I don’t know what to do next – do I see a therapist? Career coach? Recruiter? life coach?

    I’ve tried setting up informational interviews but that hasn’t helped yet. I’m just losing my passion and drive and I’m scared this is going to become permanent.

    • Bonnie

      Is it just work that makes you feel that way? Are you happy with your life otherwise? Has something changed at work or have you always hated the job? Thinking about these questions will help you determine the next step. General malaise can be a symptom of depression that you can address with a therapist.

  15. Cb

    I’m sitting at the airport waiting for my gate to be announced and people watching. Anyone have any fun airport stories? Random conversations with strangers, outlandish displays?

    • Anon

      I was flying across the country to DC to see my best friend in May. While waiting in the gate area everyone started standing against the glass and looking outside onto the tarmac. I was scared thinking it was s terrorist issue or something, not wanting to “follow the crowd” I stood back. Suddenly all the women started screaming “oh my god, oh my god”. I was so confused as only the women were screaming. Finally I asked at the flight desk what was going on because none of the flight people seemed fazed. They said it was Prince Harry flying first class and they were escorting him privately off the plane and into a limo.

      Prince Harry made my flight an hour late getting into DC. Damm*it Harry.

      • Anon

        And my question was – Why the heck is Prince Harry flying on a commercial United Airlines jet?

      • lizm

        That’s a much better story than mine! I was once delayed for 5 hours because Joe Biden was flying to the same destination as me on Air Force 2 and shut down the airspace. Didn’t even get to see the plane, let alone him.

    • 8

      Last time I flew, I got stuck in the security line behind a woman trying to carry-on a quart of tuna salad. They argued for 20 minutes over whether it was a solid or a liquid and she was angry they were denying her lunch for the plane ride. Yes, she needed lunch for a 9am, 1.5hr flight.

      • Cb

        That’s amazing. I’m en route to Brussels so it looks like a pretty staid crowd thus far. I did see someone get pissy with the wh smith cashier because they have to scan boarding cards in order to buy a bottle of water.

      • Anon

        Admission – I’ve argued with TSA agents over various foodstuffs (the most recent being kimchi – which, in my opinion, is clearly NOT a liquid/gel/cream – fortunately the supervisor agreed with me).

        I have no quarrel with her wanting to bring food on a plane with her, regardless of the hour of day or duration of flight. But TUNA??? In a confined space? Just…no. And I love tuna.

        • Anon

          Oh, and to clarify – the kimchi was NOT to consume on the plane. I just didn’t think that it would survive a trip through the baggage handler circus. I’m not crazy enough to open fermented foodstuffs on an airplane :)

      • Anonymous

        Sat next to someone on a flight who ate a whole bucket of fried chicken. a WHOLE. BUCKET.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Last time I flew to Singapore, I was in line at security at JFK. The international terminal we were in was rather strange as security was section specific so it was basically people going to five or so gates. A bunch of people were allowed to go in front to get to their about to depart UAE flight. The guy in front of me spoke zero English and did not understand that they were asking him to take his laptop out of his bag. Apparently security didn’t want to just reach in and take it so instead they kept asking him louder and louder. I told the TSA guy “he’s not deaf, he doesn’t speak English, saying it louder won’t help.” I then got the look of death from my husband who really just wanted to make our now two day delayed flight. I ended up playing charades with the poor other traveler and tapped him on the shoulder, took out my laptop, took a separate bin and put it in and that motioned for him to do the same. He then got it. TSA guy looked a bit embarrassed. You work in the international terminal at JFK, how can you not know how to deal with people who don’t speak English?

        In the line next to mine, two men were bringing through an entire rolling suitcase of PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE BLOCKS. This resulted in the solid or liquid debate and an attempt to explain that even if they could bring it aboard it probably wouldn’t be good since it hadn’t been refrigerated and it would be a 12 hour or so flight. I guess TSA were worried it was drugs and opened a few of them and they were cream cheese. This debate went on for a good 15 minutes (we stuck around at the next gate to watch because it was really funny.) Finally, TSA just gave up and let them through. While I don’t think cream cheese is a likely weapon I don’t like that their solution to someone not understanding the rules is to just give up and waive them through. This group of TSA agents were really the worst I have ever encountered.

        • ohc

          I am so, so curious about what was going on with all that cream cheese. Is this like when I lived in France and needed people to bring me crunchy peanut butter?

          • Hel-lo

            I don’t think they would have gone bad, actually. You can leave those cream cheese blocks out overnight and they’ll be soft, but fine the next morning.

            I was in a foreign country and a resident of the country was talking about how they used “fill-a-DELL-fee-a” in a recipe. They were talking about cream cheese. They just called it “Philadelphia.”

    • Kate

      When I was a kid, my family of 5 got bumped off our flight to make room for Diana Ross and her entourage. There were no other flights available, so we were forced to take a bus through the mountains for eight hours (with my one-year-old brother in tow) just to get to the other airport. It was then an hour’s drive on top of that. I’ve never seen my father so furious as when he found out we got bumped since he had booked the tickets for the trip 9 months in advance and was so excited to get to our destination. We didn’t even get to see Diana Ross.

    • TCFKAG

      One time, I was waiting for a flight, and the plane that was taking us to our destination landed and there was a whole BIRD pancaked on [for lack of a better word] windshield. We all sort of stood around the window like “um….can the plane FLY like that?” Eventually they came and basically pryed the poor dead bird off with a shovel.

      Our plane left about an hour late as they triple checked for any windshield problems courtesy of le bird. I got a pretty killer photo to post on Facebook. The bird…well…he came out the worst in this story unfortunately.

    • Mountain Girl

      After 9/11 I was always hesitant to get on a plane. Its hard to remember what it was like 12 years ago but it was a scary time for awhile. Some months after 9/11 we were flying cross country and met Tom Ridge (who was Secretary of Homeland Security after 9/11) who was waiting in the adjoining gate for another flight. I figured if he was willing to fly commercial so was I and it became easier to fly after that chance encounter.

    • recent grad

      My fiance and I were flying out of Heathrow and because our flight was delayed, we ended up having a few drinks and almost missed our flight. We were running to the terminal as the gates were closing, and ended up being the absolute last people on the plane. Problem was: Jay Z was supposed to be the last person on the plane. He ended up standing in line to board the plane directly in front of us and was NOT happy that we were behind him. We didn’t try to make conversation, or ask for a picture or anything. He just kept awkwardly turning around and giving us semi-nasty looks. He was travelling with a body guard and two young women. He sat in first class while his entourage went to some part of the back of the plane. The body guard got to go sit with Jay Z once the plane starting its descent through the time we landed. Makes it really tough to be a Jay Z fan after this experience, and he is WAY shorter in real life than he seems when he’s performing.

    • ExcelNinja

      I was once waiting for a flight to Tokyo from Toronto and happened to be standing behind a bunch of big, burly, Air Canada maintenance guys in the Tim Horton’s line. They were cracking dirty jokes and insulting eachother (typical guy talk). I have trouble keeping my mouth shut and couldn’t resist chiming in with a quip of my own. They turned around with dropped jaws and then burst out laughing. Before they went on about their business, one of them asked me where I was flying to & what my name was. An hour later I got called up to the gate – I had mysteriously been upgraded to first class (with lay-flat pods! and ice cream! and real silverware!!) for the first time in my life – it was AMAZING.

      • ExcelNinja

        Also, probably one of the only times that opening my big mouth has actually resulted in something good happening for me.

      • Wannabe Runner

        This is awesome!!

        I kind of want to insult airplane maintenance guys now in airports just to see if this would happen to me.

    • SA

      9/30/2001 I flew for business, wore dress pants and a gray peacoat. Security was crazy tight and there were huge lines. I got waved past the line and through the security check. I was thinking that they were opening another line. Nope. They must have thought I looked harmless, or just like a flight attendant. I pondered letting them know that I wasn’t but then could only imagine the scene it would cause, so I went on my way.

  16. Anonymous

    Can I just rant about the overwhelming pressure to have a s3xy halloween costume? I hate that this is what halloween is, just another excuse to show off the wares.

    • Godzilla

      Seriously? I feel like the pressure is on depicting accurate scifi costumes.

      • Godzilla

        Oh and if my people were doing sexy costumes, I’d wear a sweatshirt with “sexy costume” printed on it.

          • Godzilla

            Sweatpants with JUICY across the booty for extra credit.

            I’m here all day, folks.

      • Lady Harriet

        My problem is usually that whatever I want to dress as is too obscurely nerdy for the average person to get. One year I was Princess Leia, but from the throne room scene at the end of A New Hope, and nobody could figure it out. The year I was Kaylee from Firefly I just started telling people I was a spaceship mechanic.

        • Mpls

          You had a teddy bear patch on your overalls, right? I mean, how could anyone NOT know! :)

          • Lady Harriet

            I cut out a teddy bear and pinned it to my pants, but my art skills are a bit questionable, so people may have had trouble recognizing it. :)

            Fun fact: I went on a first date in college to a costumed dance where we went as Mal and Inara from the episode Shindig. He wore a tux with cowboy boots and carried a toy gun and I wore a sari. It was amazing, even if nobody knew who we were supposed to be and kept guessing James Bond and Bond girl. :)

            This year I think I’m going to help my friend take her little girls trick-or-treating, so I’m dressing as Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I got a hand-me-down gold ball gown from a friend who was moving and I am so excited to wear it.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I love Kaylee. I probably wouldn’t have watched the show on my own but my husband is a fan.

        • TCFKAG

          I want to be Malcom Reynolds this year! Except my party is mad nerdy so they always get my references (the year I went as “Occupy Mordor” [I stood with the other rings] I was a huge success.)

        • Baconpancakes

          I feel ya, but I kind of enjoy the obscurity. Costumes I have enjoyed and with which I have baffled the masses: Delirium, from The Sandman, A Navigator from I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space, Elphaba from Wicked.

          • zora

            I LOVE the double-take. Makes me feel like I win ;o)
            I’ve done Vampire Willow from Buffy. Only one person at the SciFi themed party got it on their first guess. My friends went as The Prisoner and one of the women from the village. If their baby had been a little bigger, we wanted to figure out how to have the baby be The Rover (the big white blob).

            My absolute favorite ever was my friend (a girl) and I going as Branglina. She has short blond hair, so she was Brad, I was Angelina, we went to goodwill and bought tons of baby dolls and made slings to carry them around all night. It took people a second, but then everyone wanted pics with us, like when you really get a photo with a celebrity. It was the funnest.

        • nonaanoun

          I was compared to the Energizer Bunny yesterday – but I can’t get behind the costume. I did seriously consider some version of it, but ultimately, sanity won out.

      • Baconpancakes

        It’s getting an accurate, cosplya-quality nerd characters/scifi costume that puts pressure on me. It’s driving me crazy trying to get the sword right. I’m going as (you guessed it) Fionna from Adventure Time!

    • Anonymous

      So don’t wear a s3xy costume? I don’t know…I don’t really feel any pressure. I’m an adult.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I don’t feel any pressure to dress any more or less “sexy” than I usually do.

      • Senior Attorney

        If you do wear a sexy costume, for heaven’s sake do not drink and drive.

        I’ll never forget the time I was in court on November 1 and there was a twentysomething woman being arraigned for a DUI, in custody, still in her “sexy kitty” costume. (Although they had taken her tail away… presumably for the same reason they take belts away!) I have seldom felt sorrier for anybody in my life.

        • Lady Harriet

          There are few things I can imagine that would be more mortifying than this!

    • Cady

      In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

      • marketingchic

        Quasi-related – anyone have a good idea for an easy costume? Especially if it’s funny/topical. I like to dress up in a low-effort way.

        To give you an idea of my costume speed – the year my former employer (was a big company in my city) closed up shop, I wore a pink full slip over my jeans and t shirt.

        • Mpls

          I have a tshirt with the periodic table printed on it. I go as a Periodic Table of the Elements. You can usually find one where the radioactive elements are done with glow in the dark paint :)

        • Em

          I have a friend who’s pretty good at lazy costumes. One year she wore devil ears and a blue dress (devil in a blue dress); one year she wore a yellow dress, a feathered hair piece, and a name tag that said “Lola.” There’s also always reviving the slip and taking a cigar (Freudian slip).

        • TCFKAG

          Two for you. You could go as Fifty Shades of Gray and wear all your gray clothes (though I hate giving that book more attention.) Or you could go as God and wear a nametag that says God, bonus points if there’s flannel involved and people get the Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference. We did a thread last year where we came up with relatively easy ways to be books – it was gold for costume ideas.

        • Anon

          I’m planning on being Rosie the Riveter–Canadian tux (jean shirt and jeans), red bandana, correct pin on collar, and wrench.

      • Godzilla

        Oh and “dress like a total slut” <– let's not be Judgy TwoShoes, please.

        • Caty

          We’ll forgive you for your lack of cultural knowledge, being a giant lizard and all, but she was quoting the most frequently quoted line of an oft-quoted movie (Mean Girls).

        • TCFKAG

          Godzilla, she was just trying to make fetch happen. Give her a break.

          YOu could also wear all pink and when people ask say simply “Its Tuesday.”

      • Susedna

        Yup. Anybody who tries to exert this kind of pressure on me would find themselves written off pretty quickly. And when they’re deemed “idiots who don’t matter” – their opinions also cease to matter. Problem solved.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I refuse to do it. I choose to dress up as some sort of character that I like and don’t care whether it is sexy. My Rainbow Brite costume a few years ago wasn’t sexy but it was awesome and fun. Don’t give in to the pressure unless you want to pick a sexy costume on purpose or whatever you want to go as just happens to be sexy.

    • MJ

      I have my GrizCoat ready to go (friends with the founders). Not s3xy, but super-fun.

    • Anonymous

      There is literally no pressure to do this. People do this because they want to. I never have, but I always like dressing up in non s3xy costumes.

    • Monday

      My favorite solution has been to dress up as a man, preferably an overweight and unattractive one. It’s incredibly fun, and anyone who’s reveling in the right spirit will give you major kudos.

    • AnonInfinity

      I disagree with the posters who say there’s no pressure to do this. Of course we’re all adults and can wear whatever we want, but it seems like almost all of the mass-produced costumes for women are sexy. Most men’s costumes are not. If you don’t want to go as stripper nurse, you usually have to make your own, which many of us don’t have time for.

      Hear, hear OP!

      • Calibrachoa

        Just google “halloween costume comparison” – the difference is mind-boggling and staggering.

        I

      • Anon

        My 12 year old daughter wants to dress up for Halloween this year and come with me to take her younger siblings trick or treating and it was seriously so hard to find a Halloween costume in her size (she wears a size 7 in Juniors) that was appropriate for a child/tween. We finally found a vampire costume that had a long skirt and an appropriate top, but just about everything was way too s3xy.

      • Godzilla

        Maybe I’m being a bit dumb but is there a reason a woman cannot order the “man’s” version of the costume? Like, if I wanted to dress up as a fireman, I’d order the “male” version.

      • bto

        thats because, for better or worse, a lot of women/girls love these costumes. there is a huge market for them.

    • roses

      On the flip side, one could appreciate that it’s become a party to celebrate sexuality. Halloween = the Straight Pride Parade (Dan Savage’s words, not mine). Don’t wear a sexy costume if you don’t want to, but don’t be a downer on everyone else’s fun either.

    • Morgan

      Being pressured to wear a costume *at all* as a grown-up person is the problem.

      I’m probably in the minority on this, but I think Halloween costumes are for kids and trick-or-treating. So if you’re dressing up to answer the door to make it more fun for the kids, great— but then I doubt you’re feeling pressure to do a s3xy costume.
      I think it’s really silly that post-college adults wear costumes out to bars or whatnot. It’s easy to decline the entire enterprise, which handily solves the problem of not wearing a s3xy costume.

      • Ashley

        I wore a costume 5 years ago after being pressured by a much higher up. I basically wore some of my old goth stuff – t-shirt, long skirt, combat boots. I even blogged about how much I hated being forced into something so effing juvenile. She did the slutty witch thing.

        I swore off ever doing this again. I feel like an idiot wearing a costume at work.

        So costume wearers – rock on with your bad selves. If it works for you – go for it. If you dress like a tart, just remember you have left your bosses and coworkers with that impression. (After work is none of my biz. I’ll be home. With the lights out. Hiding from the sprogs.)

    • Blair Waldorf

      When are we old enough to stop with Halloween costumes? Is there ever a break between mid to late 20s and when you have kids??

      Halloween is just not my holiday and I’m tired of trying to come up with creative costumes that enough people will understand but are not cliche.

      • Nonny

        Yup, I just don’t do it. I answer the door in a funny hat when trick or treaters come around, but that’s it. I consider it a children’s holiday.

      • Anonymama

        You can stop with Halloween costumes whenever you want to. Or are your friends pressuring you into it? I feel like once I hit 30 no one else really cared anymore. I kind of love it, but if you’re not feeling it, don’t do it.

        I think for a lot of adults there’s not really many fancy dress parties or masquerades or whatnot, so it’s kind of the only time you get to dress up.

        • Blair Waldorf

          Friends! I feel like there are always Halloween parties and I feel like a wet blanket if I don’t dress up and get into the spirit of it.

        • Hel-lo

          My friends like theme costume parties at all times of the year. I just say no.

          • zora

            Sorry, I might be your friends, i LOVE theme parties and dressing up in ridiculous/super nerdy costumes. ;o)

      • NYC

        I was extremely liberated when I met my husband, who just treats Halloween like he is a kid. Costumes do not have to be sexy or clever. He just dresses up as a sea captain or a dog or a bum and has the best time. I always felt as though I had to come up with a clever costume that was also flattering. Then one year I went as a angry bird, in a crappy store bought costume and it was the BEST costume I have ever worn.

        • Hel-lo

          I have also gone as a lady pirate, but non-sexy. Kind of combined with the gypsy costume I wore one year – lots of flouncy skirts, jewelry, and scarves. Add boots. Add a sword, and a pirate hat, and I’m a pirate.

    • SA

      I have a really cool witch hat (from Target) that I love. I can wear it with a LBD at night and with yoga pants and a sweatshirt to Trick or Treat with the kids.

  17. Miz Swizz

    I have a couple of Loft savings cards to spend this week and I found a few great possibilities that I was even more excited to see people complained of having too long sleeves or too big in the shoulders as I’m long-armed and broad of shoulder. What do y’all look for in reviews to help gauge if something fits you?

  18. Marriage Tax Question

    Question for the Hive to confirm what I’m seeing via my google search. When your filing status changes from single to married it subsequently applies to the full year? For example, if I got married today, for 2013 I would be considered a married filer.

    Thanks!

    • Senior Attorney

      Your filing status for the whole year is whatever it was on December 31. So if you were married on New Year’s Eve, you would be considered a married filer. So yes, if you got married today you would file as married. (I assume we’re talking about taxes.)

      Same with dependents, BTW. Which is why you may hear about people scheduling inductions and elective c-sections the last week in December rather than the first week in January.

    • Mpls

      Your status on Dec 31 determines your IRS filing status for the year you just completed. If you are married that day, then you filing as married for the entire year. If you are legally seperated/divorced as of that day, then you file as single for the entire year. You do not prorate your filing status.

  19. korakel

    My former manager is asking for feedback (3 months after I changed jobs). I didn’t like her work ethics, managing style, and personality when I worked with her (I worked for a very informal office, and while she was technically my manager, I never really reported to her, and was in many ways her senior).

    I have difficulty deciding how to respond. I really don’t want to invest any time in her (and the feedback-form is about two pages long, so that isn’t going to happen). Do I respond politely with ‘thanks, but sorry, no’. Do I have to give a reason (and what would I say without looking petty, like ‘you never bothered to fill out my yearly evaluations, so why should I bother now’)? Or can I ignore the request (I’m not the only person she asked it to, it’s part of a course)?

    • Mpls

      I think you are free to ignore it. Or a sorry, no thanks. If you really feel compelled to give a reason (which you shouldn’t) you can always say that it’s not a priority right now, as you have other business things requiring your attention.

      • korakel

        Thanks! I guess I´ll ignore it, I just felt very petty about my feelings.
        And, Kat, I accidentally reported Mpls, clicked too fast.

    • Avodah

      Is there any way you can fill out the bare minimum and keep it vague. Like, “Soandso was great with TPS reports, but needs to work on public speaking.”
      The only reason I suggest this is that sometimes it is best to keep even the slightest positive connection with a former colleague.

    • Ashley

      No advice, but I am envious of your escape. I am working on mine to get away from a very similar sounding manager.

    • Hel-lo

      If you want to, this sounds like a chance to help her be a better manager.

      If you don’t want to, just ignore it. But you might be able to provide some actual constructive feedback for her if you want to. Make sure to be kind.

  20. List

    I live in what is typically a very desirable neighborhood just outside of DC (houses have been selling in 4 days or fewer at above list), and we had been planning to list the house today or tomorrow. In light of the shut-down, and attenuated consumer uneasiness, would you still proceed with listing? On one hand, there is NO inventory in our area (no matter what your price range and we will be on the lower end of the neighborhood scale), so if someone is still confident, ours is their only option. On the other, maybe no one is buying right now, and we’d have the inevitable “black mark” of a “delisted” on our MLS come Spring (when we’d list again).

    Am a little panicked about this, considering how important timing is with the housing market. Our real estate agent is giving us a very non-committal answer at this point.

    • Maddie Ross

      My understanding is that all of the housing-related gov’t entities (Fannie, Freddie, etc.) are still up and running. And FHA loans are still being processed, though they may be a bit slow. I am not in DC, but there are certainly a lot of people there who are not affected by the shut-down directly.

    • L

      My two cents is if you can hold tight for a week or two, you probably should. I know a lot of people are feeling rather uneasy and by your description I’m betting your in an A county in VA. Your house will sell no matter when you list if that’s the case.

      • SA

        I completely agree. My family isn’t doing any additional spending right now and I was planning to hire an entry level atty this week but am not until the “stupid shutdown” is over.

  22. Anon

    Help! Work protocol question…

    The business unit I work in has undergone a lot of change (of the bad kind), significant turnover, missed targets…there’s been a lot of conflict and politics…just a bad situation created by multiple, little things and the decisions and actions of multiple people. HOWEVER, as is usually the case w/large companies, one of my coworkers and a kinda good friend (who is a senior manager of the business unit) has been made the public scapegoat and is being asked to leave at the end of the year.

    I want to reach out and acknowledge the sucky situation but I don’t know what to say…any ideas?

    • Avodah

      I’m going to offer this- when a company has turnover and people are asked to resign- you never who is next, and you don’t know if it will be voluntary. (1.) Don’t put anything in writing (email) (2.) Ask her to lunch and chat generally about work plans, future, best next steps (3.) Please keep your head down and your mouth shut. This sounds like a rough time for the company.
      (Please don’t interpret this as me being heartless or nasty. I just think you need to watch out for yourself right now.)

    • IMMJ

      My experience is that people remember who was nice to them when they were in a bad situation. It won’t hurt for you to say that you’re sorry to hear that she’s been asked to leave and to ask if you can do anything to help. You don’t need to – and probably shouldn’t – put anything in writing, and you don’t need to – and definitely shouldn’t – dump on your employer or even say that you think that it’s wrong that she’s being asked to leave. But it won’t hurt for you to empathize with her situation.

    • Hollis

      Whatever you do, do not avoid her! When I was laid-off, some people wanted to avoid the awkwardness so they would literally pass by and not say anything to me for weeks and I felt even more depressed/isolated that my own co-workers would treat me this way. Just drop by and say you’re bummed to hear she will be leaving and you’d like to know how you can help. Even if helping means just providing moral support and maybe an introduction go a friend or contact. You are thoughtful to even be thinking about this.

  23. SoCalAtty

    Hello there, Hive!

    A big thank you to everyone that chimed in with support for me going through losing my grandfather. I was up there again this weekend, through Sunday late afternoon, and he passed Monday at about 3pm. He was very comfortable, and hospice was really good, and my Uncle and Aunt were both there.

    He knew I was headed back up there the 27th, and my Uncle told me he was asking every day what day it was, and when the 27th rolled around he asked “are those kids here yet?” (Meaning me & husband). It was a pretty fast deterioration after I got there Friday, and my Aunt had a guess that he was just waiting for everyone to get there. I’m glad that I was there as much as I was over the last two weeks.

    It’s really, really tough – the same as losing your dad, I guess, since he did raise me – but I’m glad I could be there.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m sorry you are going through this but glad you could be there. I’m also glad you are in such a better job that is being understanding and not beating you up over this. Take care of you too.

    • Susedna

      I missed those threads but: *extra big hugs* I’m sorry for your loss. You’re awesome for all the love and support you gave him in his last days. Take good care of yourself now.

    • Francie Nolan

      I am so sorry for your lose SoCalAtty. I am glad you had time with your Grandfather. Be kind to yourself.

    • anon

      I am so sorry for your loss and so glad you could be there. I teared up reading this post–I bet he was waiting for you to get there. Big hugs and much strength to you.

    • Nonny

      My sincere condolences. I am a big believer that people wait for the right time to go…my grandmother did something very similar. Your grandfather must have felt at peace knowing you were there and he was able to be with you one last time. Lots of love.

    • NOLA

      Condolences to you and your family. I’m so glad you were able to get back. Losing someone this close is never easy but at least you were able to say goodbye.

      • Silvercurls

        Condolences. It’s never easy to lose someone you love. It takes time to process the loss and to grieve. I’m wishing for you and your family a lot of support. Take care of yourself. …and thank you for posting here to update us.

  24. Pregomama

    It’s Tuesday. My maternity leave begins on Friday. All my projects are transitioned, my direct reports have a temp supervisor lined up and all their Q4 work squared away. My “out of office” is set to go on at 5pm Friday. I am “optional” on all meetings this week. I’m still getting cc’d on emails, but nothing I actually have to do myself.

    Any tips for last-week-of-work? I don’t come back until 2014. I already took an extra long lunch (to be fair…took out a member of my team) and plan to duck out at 5 on the nose. Next on my to-do list is take a walk outside and enjoy the nice day.

    I can’t even shop around online because I am whale sized and have no idea what size I’ll be post-baby.

    (In case you’re wondering, boss wanted me fully ready by 10/1 in case the baby came early, so all my ducks have been lined up for a while).

    • Nonny

      No tips, but I hope I am as organized as you when the time comes! I’m aiming to be ready to go pretty much a month in advance due to a family history of giving birth early. Which gives me 8 weeks now to completely clean up my office, tame that to-do list, transition projects etc. Lots of time on the face of it but I imagine it will go quickly…

      Enjoy your last 4 days in the office!

      • Pregomama

        My boss had both her kids 3-4 weeks early so she was in panic mode. This is my first, but I have 3 siblings and all 4 of us were 4-6 days late. I’ve got no plans to give birth until well into next week, but gotta keep the boss happy!

        I just literally do not know what to do with myself. I can’t start projects, I can’t really go into meetings without causing trouble (ie causing work for other people since I can’t do it myself…)….I’ve just been playing in the internet. I wouldn’t mind if the baby came, honestly, but hey. I’m feeling good so beggars can’t be choosers.

    • Anonymous

      Shop online for holiday gifts? Watch TED talks? Go get a pedicure tomorrow.

      • Pregomama

        Pedicure is on my list for the weekend, but it may just move up in priority if i can’t find anything else to do!

      • Diana Barry

        +1. I ended up getting a really nice blue manicure on the day before my #3 was born; it made for great hospital photos! :)

    • marketingchic

      A tip someone gave me that I didn’t believe until it was too late . . . write down your work passwords (or put them in your phone.)

    • Hollis

      Pedicure, haircut (esp. important if you are breastfeeding and don’t want to grab a hair-tie in the middle of the night to pull your hair back away from the baby’s face), stock up on frozen meals, buy a box of thank you cards and some stamps since people will be sending you gifts after the baby arrives.

  25. Anonymous

    Have to give a performance review to an underperforming employee in 45 minutes. Any words of advice?

    • NOLA

      -Keep it professional, not personal.
      -Focus on the things that are really important.
      -Have suggestions for what can be done to improve. Create a development plan. If it’s productivity, ask for a weekly productivity report.
      -Own it – don’t say anything to the person that you cannot personally back up.
      -If the person gets angry or emotional, set another appointment to finish.
      -Do not allow the person to answer back to everything you’ve said. Tell them they can respond in writing. Signing the evaluation does not mean that they agree with it. It just means they’ve received it and that you have met with them.

      Good luck! I know from experience how hard this is.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks! This is great advice. It’s not the first bad review I’ve given someone, but it doesn’t seem to get easier.

      • IMMJ

        +1. I’d add that you should be specific about the problems so that s/he understands what the issues are. And unless this is an outplacement meeting, which it doesn’t sound like it is, keep in mind that this is an opportunity for the person to listen to suggestions and to improve. I know that I have been pleasantly surprised several times when people really paid attention to the feedback and turned things around. So if that’s a realistic possibility, be sure to let him/her know.

        • Avodah

          @ IMMJ- Out of curiosity, are you in HR, a career counselor or something? Your feedback re sticky employment situations is really good. (Regardless of your field- your colleagues are lucky to work w/ you.)

      • Anonymama

        Also, if there are any positive things you can say about the person/their performance, try to bring those up too, so they can hopefully feel more encouraged to improve than just discouraged that they are terrible.

      • Avodah

        Please, please, please give specific examples and suggestions for ways to improve. If you do want the person to improve, schedule a follow-up mtg. to create a 30 day (or whatever) improvement plan.

        There is truly nothing worse in professional or personal life then someone saying, “You are bad at ___” and giving no constructive advice or specific examples.

        BTW- If you’re on the *receiving* end of a bad eval. Do NOT respond in writing. ;)

  26. Cali CPA

    I like this dress, but upon closer inspection, the two front lines are actually zippers! I’m not sure that I could wear something to work thinking I could just unzip the front of it.

  27. anon

    le sigh. my SO has turned down LGPs repeatedly lately. he has a job that requires him to be up super early, so we’re in bed super early (like 9m early). so part fo the reason is fatigue, but also–he has a roommate and wants to be considerate. however, I’m becoming increasingly frustrated, and I don’t know how to solve it or how to express my frustration (mostly bc I don’t want pity LGPs). another issue is that he won’t garden when I’m blooming roses, which has literally never ever ever been an issue with other gardeners. any advice?

    • mascot

      Have you tried talking to him about it in a low-key way? Maybe take advantage of lovely fall weather and go for a walk? I’ve found that it’s easier to talk to my SO sometimes when we are side by side. As far as the second issue goes, I think each garderner may be a bit different. There are probably things you can do to lessen his discomfort.

    • Anon #2

      Can you move the LGPs to another place (your home) or time (when SO’s roommate is away…for work, or for weekend activities)?
      Can you meet your gardener half-way re his aversion to gardening when roses are blooming? Maybe it’s personal, maybe it’s cultural, but maybe he’d be comfortable with cuddling on the edges of the flowerbeds even if he doesn’t want to do everything possible as a gardener?

    • anon

      The turning down LGPs repeatedly is really a problem. How early does he get up? My bf has to get up at 6, and we’re usually in bed by 10, but we still have time for LGPs- they’re seriously crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship for most couples and if he isn’t interested in meeting your needs or having a mature conversation about this, I’d be worried. Being considerate of the roommate (do they share an apartment, or also a bedroom) is nice but it’s not nice to put the roommate’s needs above yours. And if he’s sharing a bedroom with someone, he should be open to spending time at your place so you have some privacy.

      The other thing, re: roses blooming, is something I would not necessarily push; I think it’s understandable that a gardener would want to steer clear during that time. Why not ask if he’s up for activity during the last couple days when the roses are basically done blooming? That really only leaves a 2-3 days when it’s out of the question.

    • roses

      Really, can we stop with the extremes of euphemisms? They’re really not needed to avoid moderation. “Roses are blooming” is totally vague – do you mean when there’s hair, or when you have your period? If the latter, while it’s reasonable to expect other kinds of non-penetrating sexual activities (assuming you’re wearing a tampon), I think it’s totally, 100% reasonable to not want to have actual penetrative or oral sex – I’m kind of shocked your previous partners were OK with that.

      • zora

        really? “Shocked” her previous partners were OK with it? I have literally never been with a partner who wouldn’t have intercourse when I was on my cycle, if I wanted to. No, I would not be wearing a tampon, you put a towel down and go for it. Usually not oral, but it’s pretty not a big deal to have sex during shark week.

        • s-non

          Exactly. It’s a totally normal human function, nothing to avoid sex over.

        • Rosalita

          Everyone is different. Personally, I don’t feel sexy at all during “pink week.” (I called it that because of my pill pack.)

          But my SO loves it, because it’s also “BJ week.”

          • zora

            Yes, everyone is different, and I agree some people (male and female) like it and some people don’t. I just thought the word “shocked” was strong, because I have known a lot of guys that were all about it.

    • Baconpancakes

      Is this a new thing, or has he always been less into LGPs than you?

      If it’s a new thing, and/or you’re invested in the relationship to the point where it’s more important for you to work on this than have more LGPs, have a frank conversation in which you discuss why he’s not gardening more. Is it general lack of interest? If he wants to, but it seems inconvenient or rude, figure out a time and place to make it work. You may have to give up the 5x weekly schedule you’re used to, but let’s remember that not all guys are garden-crazed botanists who would give anything for a chance to water your flowers. Some of them just don’t have as much of a green thumb. It’s an important consideration in a relationship.

      In regards to the roses, that’s a very loaded cultural thing. Another thing to discuss -why does he feel that way? Is it because it’s “gross,” messy, or because it’s taboo? Is he willing to putter around the garden even if he doesn’t want to till the ground? As in all cases, communication is the key here.

    • Marilla

      I would address the two separately so he doesn’t feel you’re piling complaints on him. Discussions in this area can easily become emotional and fraught and misinterpreted, so pick the issue that’s more important or that you’re more likely to reach agreement on (I would guess the frequency is easier to address than LGPs during shark week). I like mascot’s suggestion of a low-key conversation, no pressure, not brought up in frustration after being turned down.

  28. NbyNW

    Love this dress, Kat. Wish I could find a similar dress at a better price point! Sleeves and a business-like neckline are so hard to find.

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