Corporette.com

Updated: Oct 31, 2018 139 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Linden Draped Jersey Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Elie Tahari Linden Draped Jersey Sheath Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This dress is like a tall drink of water — it seems easy but elegant. The mint is gorgeous but, let's be honest, I want it more in black. I like that it's hand washable, as well. It's $298 at Bergdorf Goodman (and Neiman Marcus seems to have more of the black in stock). Elie Tahari Linden Draped + Jersey Sheath Dress Here are a few lower-priced options (one, two, three) and two plus-sized alternatives (one, two). Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. anonymous

    I just found out that we have to put my 17 year old dog to sleep. I love him so, so much, and I hurt so badly. How do I get through this? More importantly, how do I get through the next week at work? He’s my dog from childhood, and I can’t go home until this weekend. I want to be there when he goes. How do I get through the intervening period, and how do I act normal at work? All I want to do is cry.

    • Wildkitten

      Well, I think “normal” when putting down a dog would be loudly sobbing 24/7 – wailing while snot runs down your face. What you are asking is how to act super-humanly-emotionless, which is much harder. Pack tissues, pack makeup, pack mascara. Concealer, eyeshadow, and new mascara are clutch when you want to cover up red puffy crying eyes. Allow yourself some extra self-care. Tell people close to you so they’ll know why you are upset. Headphones so you can listen to stuff on your phone while you walk around outside waiting to stop crying before you go back to your open floor plan cubicle farm. Xanax.

      • Anon

        I’ve just discovered a good “sticky” eyeliner on your lower rim will hide red rimmed eyes.

    • AnonInfinity

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself. Wildkitten has some great suggestions. I especially second letting some folks around you know what is going on.

      We had to put our dog down last fall, and it was very challenging. I burst into tears in a room full of people when I found out it was happening, which was completely embarrassing, but everyone was so so so nice about it.

      • NOLA

        When my beloved 18 yo kitty died, I let people know, but also told them that I couldn’t talk about it. I knew that if my colleagues were wanting to talk about him or his death, I would lose it at work. So I just asked people to let me not talk about it at work.

    • Bonnie

      So sorry. Acting normal in grief is almost impossible. Tell someone at work what is going on and then just do your best. Hugs.

    • KT

      Take care of yourself. It’s a member of your family-being sad is natural.

      When we were getting ready to put my childhood dog to sleep, I took a lot of comfort in gathering photos and putting together a little powerpoint slideshow thing–you could use Animoto or another free program. It gave me something to do, occupied my mind, and it was nice to see all of the good memories.

      People WILL understand. So tell people at work so they can give you some space or support as needed.

      For this weekend, why not plan your dog’s last, best day ever? Can he walk? Play at all? Plan a trip to the park. Take him swimming. Give him all of the people food he can never usually have. Snuggle him. It’s a nice wayt o build some more memories and giving yourself some closure.

      If he isn’t mobile, just lay on the floor with him and hold him while watching a movie.

    • Asideralis

      Take pictures with your dog before you have to put him down. I just had to put my dog down about two months ago and it was brutal. I took breaks to go to the bathroom to cry at work, brought concealer with me to cover it up, and such. It’s okay to feel emotionally drained from this, it’s to be expected.

      Spend as much time as you can with your dog before his time is up. Give him a lot of love, his favourite treat meal, and if he can go out, take him on his favourite experience (ie, car ride, walk, hike, swim, etc). We had our dog cremated and now has a beautiful wooden urn on our mantel, and we bought those paw print things so we have his paw print hanging above his favorite bed.

      For some people, you will need time to grieve. For others, you need a new thing to focus on. Both are totally fine. We ended up buying a completely different type of dog and she’s now 15 weeks old. The puppyhood is trying, but gave use something else to focus on. And she’s so different that comparisons aren’t common.

      *hugs*

      • Walnut

        If you can, that last time quality time is so helpful. My dog got to ride shotgun in the front seat, we went to all the drive-thru’s for all the treats and an extra special Arby’s run with her very own roast beef sandwich.

      • Anonymous

        Take video, too. When I had to put my dog to sleep, I took some video footage of her last day. In the weeks that followed, I watched it over and over, and I was so grateful to have it. Hugs!

      • Rogue Banker

        Definitely agreed re: making the last days the best days. We made our old girl steaks – GOOD steaks, too – the night before we had to put her to sleep, she got to sleep on my parents’ bed with them, and we took her on a nice long drive with the windows down on the way to the vet. My dad was with her when they put her down – I’m not mentally strong enough for that, but the vets said it actually helps keep the dog calm.

      • Anonymous

        +1000 to this. When my collie got sick, I realized that although I had tons of pics of him, I had none of us together. I had my boyfriend come over one evening and take some shots of the two of us. I have one of them in a frame in my home office now and I treasure it. Get someone to come and take some pics of the two of you together!

    • anonymous

      Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. How long does it take to feel better? We put my first dog down when I was 13, and I only remember some parts of it, and not the parts that are helpful right now. It was my decision and I knew I made the right one, much like now. But I don’t remember how long I hurt afterward or how long it took to feel normal again.

      • KT

        It’s a long time, I’m sorry. He’s a family member. You will look for him and forget why he’s not there, and it will hit you all over again. It’s a very normal grieving process with all of its stages.

      • Walnut

        I have still not fully recovered from the death of my first dog. She was my soulmate. After going through every stage of grief, she’s still a regular conversation piece in the house and there are still photos displayed. This dog was such a character that we’ve continued to carry on her story – for example, she winters in Sedona and summers up in Alaska. She’ll occasionally drop by the house to say hello, but at the first hint of thunder, fireworks, cold or rain, she’s outta here with her floppy hat and trashy romance novel in tote.

      • Spirograph

        Eh, I still tear up (and am now) thinking about any of my dear departed pets. But I was functional and able to hold it together in public as long as there weren’t any triggers within a couple of days. Knowing that it’s the right thing to do and your pet had a long, good, life makes it easier.

        I second the advice to let coworkers know what is going on — they will probably be sensitive enough to avoid possible trigger topics for a while. I remember one time I knew a coworker had just put his cat down… most of my team did not know, and I was just horrified for him when they innocently started talking about some silly cat video in a meeting the next morning (and they were all equally horrified when they realized what they had done).

        I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, and don’t try to rush to “get over it.”

        • anonymous

          Thanks. I still tear up thinking about my other dog we put down almost 14 years ago. I know I shouldn’t rush, but I want to be over this so badly.

    • SuziStockbroker

      You’ve already gotten great suggestions, so I will just say that I am terribly sorry, and that people will (or should) understand.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Sorry you are going through this. Here is a quick story to make you feel normal if you do break down at work. I was working as a corrections officer at the time my childhood dog needed to be put down. I was on a “swap” so I didn’t have the ability to just call out. A swap is basically where you cover someone else’s shift. They weren’t really allowed but supervisors would turn a blind eye to them as long as no one screwed it up. Calling out sick would have stopped swaps for the whole facility. So, I went in, with a tough face and was actually doing quite fine. I was working in a different unit since I was on a swap. All of a sudden, I just burst into tears out of nowhere. This unit I was covering was a juvenile girls unit and while I expected them to go nuts in my moment of weakness instead they were all so kind. “What did we do wrong??? Why are you crying??” Next thing I knew, half of them were crying with me. Other staff came in to see how I was doing managing a new unit and they were like “uh, what the heck is going on here??” I was used to working with 18-21 year old boys so I wasn’t used to my unit showing emotion towards me. In retrospect, the crying incident was funny and not career ending by any means. And I got through the shift though by the end, basically the whole building knew what was going on. I also got major kudos for now blowing up the swap arrangement.

      You will get through this. One day or one hour at a time.

    • Bess

      I am so sorry. All the advice above is good. My dog lived with me, so I found it easier to be at work afterwards, focused on other things, rather than at home thinking about the loss. In terms of time, I can’t remember when major crying stopped, but it was nearly a year before I was ready to adopt again.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry, losing a pet is so hard. I had to put my old girl down last year, she was the one who got me through the death of my husband 12 years ago, who stuck by my side while I finished law school, moved across country with me twice… but, we had a great life together, and I’m sure your pup had a great life with you! Try to take comfort that, as the pain ebbs, you will be left with those happy memories. I second the ‘make it a special day’ for your dog, if you can. My girl was rather large, incontinent, and lost mobility, so I gave her chicken mixed with her food every day for dinner the last three months. I wish I had taken her on more car rides, though, even though it was hard on my back to lift her! I knew the end was coming, and had a rather gradual grieving process… once or twice a week crying in my office with the door shut, talking it through with friends who had been through the process, etc., so when the time came I think I had already worked through a lot of it. I also made a video for her, and it did help to see the progression from young pound dog, to my hiking/riding/climbing buddy, to my slower, senior friend. Looking at the pictures over 12 years helped put things in perspective that a dog living until 14 (17 in your case) is something to be happy about, as that is a good, long life for woman’s best friend!

      Also, read up on the euthanasia process, if you can, so you are prepared for what might happen if you are in the room when she passes on. It isn’t uncommon for dogs to have a last ‘breath’, for example, after they have actually gone. Sometimes they can even move in a convulsive way, which can be disturbing if you are not prepared for it. Etc.

    • rip jessie

      I’m so sorry. I went through this too. My dog was also 17, and I could not come home before she was put to sleep. It may sound silly, but because I could not see her in person, my family arranged for us to face-time and Skype. It was the next best thing to being there. Perhaps you could do that during the week before you can see your dog in person. Again, I’m so sorry.

  2. SSJD

    This dress is lovely! A friend has been wearing a very faint, mint green color lately and I think it is really beautiful and elegant. I have no idea whether mint green would look good on me. My skin is very fair, and some greens make me look yellow. I can wear white okay, but it can make me look washed out. Anyway, I’m actually tempted to buy the dress though it’s really quite expensive. Any other tips on mint pieces that won’t be such a big investment?

    • Cb

      Ooh, I quite like that. It’s not conventionally flattering but it is interesting.

    • Bonnie

      That looks uber comfortable but could look a little like a mumu. You could loosely tie it with a belt or scarf just to give it some definition.

    • hoola hoopa

      I have something similar and get a surprising (to me) amount of wear out of it. Sometimes I wear it with a belt. Sometimes I embrace the nightgown like quality, add boots and a scarf, and feel presentable while wearing pajamas.

  4. Par-tay

    I’m having a housewarming party in several weeks and expect about 40-60 people. Any ideas on food? I’m thinking about caprese salad skewers, pigs in a blanket, and maybe some fruit. I’m not completely sold on any of those, though. Also, I’m having a huge internal debate about sangria vs margaritas (not frozen).

    Any other tips? I’ve never hosted anything like this, and our furniture is terrible, but I want to have a big party for all our friends!

    • KittyKat

      Sangria over margaritas. Some people have issues with tequila. Make sure the wine is free of sulfites as lots of people are allergic to it. I’d probably do a few big dips with crackers, pitas and veggies. Maybe a hummus, a home made ranch and a hot cheese and spinach?

        • Carrie...

          Also agree with sangria.

          There’s something so fun about Sangria with summer fruit.

      • Anonattorney

        Wait, do people really pick “sulfite-free” wine for entertaining because some people are allergic? This is the first time I’ve ever heard of this. It seems like major overkill to me. Also, I’m pretty sure that completely sulfite-free wine doesn’t exist.

        • KittyKat

          It’s a consideration that doesn’t cost any extra money and takes 2 minutes of time reading the back of the bottles. Why anyone wouldn’t do it is beyond me.
          Edited to add: I don’t personally have allergies but alienating my guests especially for something so simple is pretty rude.

          • Anonymous

            Because no one else has even ever heard of this! It’s really really not a thing. It won’t alienate your guests. People do not expect this.

          • Anonymous

            http://www.wines.com/sulfite-free-wine/

            For those who don’t want to click–there is no such thing as 100% sulfite-free wine, the wine that is not labeled as “contains sulfites” still has sulfites, sulfites affect less than 1% of the population, and low-sulfite wines are generally of inferior quality. I find crappy wine far more offensive than the presence of sulfites, and this is coming from someone with allergies and red-wine-induced migraines.

        • Wildkitten

          If you’re having 40-60 people over it’s pretty easy to accommodate to have something low-sulfate, something gluten free, etc, so that the one person with a dietary restriction isn’t left with nothing to consume at the fete.

          • Anonattorney

            Eh, agree that it’s a nice thing to do; question whether it’s a necessary thing to do. There are lots of things that are appropriate hosting etiquette–i.e., you better do this if you don’t want people to walk away thinking you were clueless or inconsiderate. I don’t think offering low-sulfite wine is one of those things.

        • Anon

          People with sulfite allergies still can’t drink sulfite free wine, as grapes naturally produce sulfites when they ferment. Among other things- lots of condiments and vinegars, any processed potato product, and tons more things. Sulfite free wine is nonsense.

      • Anonymous

        …Some people also can’t drink red wine. I think it’s best to offer a variety of wine, beer, liquor and non-alcoholic fun drinks (pink lemonade, etc…)

        • Anon

          I feel like at a housewarming party, plenty of guests will bring something to drink unprompted and it’s easy enough to open some of that up as needed. Agreed on non-alcoholic drinks.

    • espresso bean

      More ideas:

      -that bread recipe where you stuff cheese into the slits, pour garlic butter over the top, and bake it wrapped in foil and people can pull it apart when it comes out of the oven. Always a hit.

      -ricotta (or other cheese) pesto with foccacia, store-bought or made yourself (Joy of Cooking has a great recipe)

      -anything cut up into tiny pieces, even frozen pizzas, is instantly cute and cocktail-ready

      -don’t underestimate the power of TJ’s frozen appetizers when you’re serving a huge crowd. Pick 3-5 things to make yourself and supplement with a steady stream of hot appetizers.

      -little toasts/bruschettas are popular. Since it’s summer, maybe peaches with goat cheese or brie?

      -individual shot glass-size cups pre-filled with hummus or dip and stuffed with crudites are cute and portable

      -smoked salmon/cream cheese/fresh dill on crackers

      -chickpea/mint crostini (Google it on Real Simple)

      -pepperoni asiago pinwheels (Google it on Bon Appetit)

      -make little labels for all the food the day before. It’s not only cute, it saves you from having to explain to everyone what everything is!

      -a few large platters of cheese/meats/crackers/fruits are always good to anchor a room

      -put drinks in one area and food in another to keep the crowd flowing

    • yup

      Other tips: Play a fun selection of music. Have your drink station somewhere not in the kitchen so everybody doesn’t stay in the kitchen. Outside would be good if you want people to use the backyard. I like to have a game on the TV if it’s football/baseball/basketball season.

    • An

      Veg muffins
      Cherry tomatoes stuffed with marinated feta cheese
      Tiny rounds of bread smeared with pesto
      Salmon sandwiches

    • Cb

      Or Pimms! It’s a bit different and delicious – especially if you can get the special edition blackberry one.

    • Scarlett

      That is a lot of people. I’d get a local restaurant or food truck to cater. Probably costs about the same as making all the stuff yourself and you get to enjoy your party. I’ve done this with dumpling selections from a good Chinese restaurant and a taco bar from a Mexican spot. Catering doesn’t have to be crazy spendy.

    • Par-tay

      Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! I have gotten a lot of great ideas here. Also a really good point about providing a variety of options so everyone will have something to eat and drink if they have any sensitivities.

      Kids are welcome, so we definitely planned to have lots of non-alcoholic options. And beer (unrelated to the kids…)

  5. MJ

    I’m very excited about this. Via The Broadsheet:

    “Feminist stall? Former top State Department official Anne-Marie Slaughter rocked the world of working women with her 2012 Atlantic cover, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” Three years later, we get to hear from her in a new book, Unfinished Business, in which she accuses the feminist movement of “stalling” and women of accepting “half truths” that hold them back. Random House just announced the pub date, Sept. 29, and I can hardly wait for the new round of debates to follow, no doubt churned on stage when she speaks in October at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Summit.”

  6. Phoenix Summer

    I will be in Phoenix for work for a couple of days in August. I will have a rental car and various pockets of free time. Any suggestions for things to do or places that I MUST eat?

    • Anonymous

      I was recently in Phoenix for a week, and while all the food was wonderful, the best things I ate were the macaroni and cheese at Pizza People Pub and the warm chocolate peanut butter cup at the Arrogant Butcher (I seriously keep daydreaming about this… it was a dessert made out of warm mousse and cold gelato, not a warmed-up candy bar).

      If you’re a lawyer, or interested in architecture, the Sandra Day O’Connor Courthouse is very different and worth checking out.

      • Phoenix Summer

        I am indeed a lawyer, and this is a great suggestion! Also, your food recs sounds AMAZING, but I should add that I tend to lean towards healthier eating when I travel for work because of bloating issues. Sorry if that’s TMI!

        • Phoenician

          For awesome healthy food check out Seed cafe at the Madison on Indian School and 38th. It’s in a spin/yoga studio, so there will be lots of sweaty people around, but all of their food is amazing and very healthy. (Awesome spin and yoga classes, too.)

          Closer to downtown, the Phoenix Public Market is delish. They have food truck days and farmer’s market days, which are great, but can make parking a little tricky if you want to eat at the restaurant.

          Cartel Coffee is a great local coffee shop. So is the cafe at the Monorchid which is attached to an art studio/gallery/creative space.

    • Anonymous

      I liked walking around downtown and through the college campuses. The music museum was neat too. I liked my meal at the Yardhouse (though I think it is a chain and try to eat more local typically.) Matt’s Big Breakfast downtown was good.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Yardhouse is indeed a chain, but it’s good (at least the ones I’ve eaten at)

    • Marie M

      If you like architecture, consider touring Taliesin West. It was Frank Lloyd Wright’s western home and school. I quite enjoyed comparing it to the FLW homes I’ve seen in the Midwest. And they let you sit on the furniture!

  7. What to wear?

    I have a course to attend this weekend. Since it is on the weekend, I suspect the men with be wearing golf shirts and chinos.

    One of my colleagues will be there (slightly junior to me). I won’t know anyone else.

    I will likely be the only woman.

    I dunno, should I go with what “business casual” would look like in my office, if I wore business casual (very rare), which would be ankle pants, flats, shrunken blazer and a top?

    Probably overthinking this….

    • NYC tech

      Sounds about right to me. I’d make sure it’s a top that I’d be comfortable wearing on its own, so I could ditch the blazer if it felt too formal or if the room was hot.

      • Hollis

        On a weekend, I’d ditch the blazer and go with a cardigan sweater for comfort.

    • Ellen

      Yay Kat! I love this sheathe dress. I can go to Bergdorf here in NYC to look at it and I can tell Rosa to go to Neiman Marcus up in Weschester. If she buy’s it, I can wear it b/c I have NOT eaten solid’s for 3 day’s b/c I think I ate bad Mexican food in the village Saturday for lunch. FOOEY! At least I am a size 2 for now. YAY, tho I watched the horse race from my apartement while running to to toilet. I love horses b/c I used to live near the toe path in DC, and my friend has horses in Virginia. DOUBEL YAY for American Pharoah!!!!

      As for the OP, yes, dress casueally b/c it is the weekend. If it is warm, you can wear a sundress and sandals, but if you are concerned that is to causal, then wear a nice blouse (NOT revealeing) with a Kakhi skirt if you are concerned about your tuchus, or even slack’s if you are not concerned about your tuchus. If you will be the only woman, you will get a lot more attention from the men, so be prepared. Also, stay away from the alchohol b/c the men will try to be macho drinking beer out of bottel’s and talking like they are Golf Pro’s.

      I am still recovering from the Mexican food, so be careful about eating that like I did. It does NOT keep well in warm weather. TRIPEL FOOEY b/c I was NOT abel to bill 20 hour’s yesterday like the manageing partner wanted me to. Now I have a real problem keeping up with the billing this week. If I was MARRIED I would not have to deal with this stuff.

  8. MoinBoston

    Hello Hive: I’m going on a work trip to Germany later this month and will have 24 hrs free time in Frankfurt. Any tips or can’t-miss sites to see? Suggestions welcome.

  9. pickle

    My “hanging around the neighborhood on the weekend” wardrobe is falling apart, probably because I haven’t purchased any casual clothes since grad school. Where do you buy plain ol’ cotton t-shirts nowadays? I used to get 100% cotton tees from BR or the Gap, but they have switched over to clingy, cotton/modal/spandex versions.

      • pickle

        Everlane seems to only go up to a size L, which is an “8-10” shirt size. Does anyone know how that compares to other brands? I am curvy and buy size large at most stores (where 8-10 is considered medium).

    • KittyKat

      Zara has mastered the art of the t-shirt. Tones of good cuts and interesting details, and most are 100% cotton still.

    • Carrie...

      Costco!

      Or I get Land’s End when they all go on sale.

      These are sturdy cotton weekend Ts, not for week.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve been getting Boden t-shirts lately. The short sleve Breton ones are great if you like stripes.

    • Anonymous

      I buy the vintage slub cotton v-necks from J. Crew (the vintage slub is not clingy like the regular tees are). I get them when they’re on sale for ~$12/each and the ones I bought 4 years ago are still kicking, so the quality is good enough for me at that price.

    • Anon

      The only t-shirts that I found to be not clingy are the ones which are 100% slub knit cotton. I bought like 10 100% slub knit cotton T-shirts from Talbots which are of good weight and not flimsy (as I wear them almost every day to my super casual work place). They have higher neckline, so are suitable for work. I bought 3 100% slub knit cotton T-shirts from Eddie Bauer. They have so many colors and so many variations (necklines and sleeve lengths). But Eddie Bauer size was very inconsistent. I wear medium petite and few of them fit me well and others were too big.

      I had big hopes for Everlane. However, their medium was too tight on me and their large was too long and the neck was way too deep to be work anywhere. I found their quality was not as good as so many bloggers write.

    • Mountain Girl

      Eddie Bauer – Essential Slub T Shirt is 100% cotton and hands down my favorite t shirt anywhere.

  10. Scandia

    Does anybody knows if you can shrink jeans? I brought the Banana Republic Petite skinny jeans. I was recommended one size bigger than my normal size in Banana republic, but this was bad advice, because unfortunately they sag.

    I wonder, if I could wash them on the hot cycle and dry them in the dryer. But perhaps they will get to short?

    • TO Lawyer

      What are the jeans made out of? Jeans may shrink a bit but I find mine tend to stretch out after a wear or two so I usually try to buy them tight.

      Can you exchange them for a small size?

    • Val

      Someone one told me that cotton will shrink mostly length-wise. YMMV, but I probably wouldn’t try to shrink them to bring them down a size.

      • Anonymous

        They are made of 70 cotton. 28 polyester and 2 spandex. Cannot be exchanged. Thank you both of you for your answer

  11. CBT

    Anybody have success stories with cognitive behavioral therapy? I have a lot of problems regulating my emotions, especially during stressful times. This results in huge meltdowns, self-harm, and recently emotional abuse of the man I want to marry. I’ve been in and out of therapy, without much success, and several therapists have suggested I have borderline personality disorder I go through long periods of being fine, but lately things have been really bad.

    Yesterday I saw a new therapist who suggested we try CBT. She wants to read a book together (When Panic Attacks) and have me keep a mood log.

    Anyone have experience with this? The internet seems to say great things…

    • Anoniest

      No direct experience but someone close to me had a really positive experience with CBT. Different manifestation of problems than you’ve had, and no suggestion of BPD, but similar difficulty regulating emotions/thoughts during stressful times. This person has had a few different therapists, only one of whom did CBT, and says that CBT was (1) extremely useful and (2) the only useful therapeutic experience (s)he’s ever had

    • Anonattorney

      Yes! I have had success dealing with anxiety using CBT. My therapist used a variety of breathing exercises that worked wonders on dealing with anxiety attacks. It has been much more useful to me than any sort of talk-it-out therapy.

    • layered bob

      My SO had a good experience with CBT (for a different issue) but you really have to put the work in – his therapist gave him lots of strategies to try and of course it only “worked” when he actually made the time to do the meditation, keep the journal, etc. Took him awhile to commit to making time to work on himself but when he did, he found CBT very helpful to create long-term habits and healthy thought processes/coping mechanisms.

    • Emma

      You should try to find a group that does Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. It’s a specific form of CBT that was specifically developed for treating Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s very focused on acquiring skills to address the issues that you’re having.

      DBT is usually run in a very structured group format, and that is part of what makes it helpful. I would do some research and try to find one of those groups. It might entail a sizeable investment of time (and maybe money, given that you need to meet for a good number of sessions to go through the program), but it will almost certainly be worth it.

    • cbackson

      Enormous success, and I used that book to do it. It was life-changing for me.

  12. shamlet96

    hi all – i’m mostly a lurker, but really appreciate the advice/support of this community, and figured you ladies might have useful advice for me. I have been dating my SO for almost eight months (we moved in together about two months ago). We’ve discussed marriage/kids and our respective timelines (we are off by maybe 3-6 months – he’d like to wait a year until proposing), and he knows i am very anxious about getting married and getting pregnant relatively soon after that (I am almost 37, he’s 40). Our relationship is not without its problems (like everyone’s), but my anxiety about him not having proposed yet has created a huge dark cloud over the relationship. Part of the trouble is that early on, he would say things like, “oh, i expect we’ll be engaged by my birthday” (which was more than a month ago), and so now I feel frustrated that it hasn’t happened (though i understand in part why – we went through a rough patch about two months ago when i was trying to taper off of my SSRIs).

    My question is – how do i get through these next few months without poisoning the relationship with my constant anxiety about why he hasn’t proposed yet? I’m in therapy (which helps, although I don’t think it does as much for me as others) and i am on a stable dose of my SSRIs. I exercise, generally like my job, and otherwise have a wonderful, full life. But every time i hear about another friend getting engaged/married/pregnant, I feel a desperate pang of panic. :( thanks in advance for any and all constructive advice.

    • espresso bean

      Ugh, this is tough. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things in acknowledging that you have it pretty good and trying to accept where you are instead of constantly focusing on where you want to be. On one hand, it makes sense that you’re stressed, and the constant wedding/pregnancy announcements only add fuel to that fire.

      On the other hand, it’s only been eight months! I understand that you’re up against a biological clock here, but even in that context eight months seems pretty quick to an engagement. And he’s told you he wants to wait for a year, so I think you should take him at his word.

      All that said, my advice is coming from someone who’s never been in this position. I imagine others on this board will have firsthand experience and can offer more helpful advice. Good luck.

      • Anonymous

        Maybe try thinking about it another way– this may be the last few months of your life as a not-married person! Is there something you want to do, just for you? A trip with a friend/group of friends or siblings/family? A charity event (bike ride, walk, or other activity) that you’d like to complete? Do you want to learn something new over the summer or go somewhere new? I remember thinking every day for a whole summer, “when will he propose”? but looking back, I wish I’d valued that in-between time more. From engagement to wedding to everything after, the marriage thing will take on a life of its own once it gets going. If you know it is right with your SO, then it will happen. In the meantime, why not do something worthwhile and meaningful for yourself? Good luck!

    • kc esq

      I realize that your ages may contribute to your perception that this has to happen NOW, but it really, really doesn’t. You’re off by 3-6 months in plans to spend a lifetime together? 3-6 months is a drop in the bucket. You’ve only been dating 8 months — no one is getting strung along. The issue is whether you are compatible for life. So concentrate on building a strong foundation and don’t sweat the timing.

      • Wanderlust

        I am going through a similar situation as OP (except we’ve been together for 3 years), and this advice really hits home. Thanks KC esq!

    • B

      I definitely feel you on this one! I went through a similar experience with my now-husband when I was around age 35. We dated for two and a half years before getting married. Ultimately it was a good thing, because I was coming off a divorce (at age 32, but that stuff sticks with you for a LONG time) and also I think it’s good to date for a while before getting married. But at the time it felt unbelievably, tortuously slow.

      I worked really hard at not putting my life on hold in the interim. This is the most crazy-making thing about being in a ‘pending’ relationship. Examples: I prioritized friends some of the time; I made sure to have my own interests/activities; I moved for work (without him!); I bought a house that was right for me without considering him or our future children. Some of this was hard at the time, but all of those things were also healthy for the relationship. AND, I think it was me buying a house that finally nudged him to propose, though I didn’t do it with that intent at all. (I’m not advocating manipulation here… just take care of yourself and let his reaction be what it is.)

      Incidentally, the statistics on post-35 fertility are all based on 19th century data and there’s no special reason to believe your fertility level is going to fall off a cliff at any moment. :) Check out the book Expecting Better for a really good discussion on this topic.

      • Clementine

        +1 for Expecting Better.

        It is now my go-to gift for my close girlfriends who are expecting.

      • bridget

        “Incidentally, the statistics on post-35 fertility are all based on 19th century data and there’s no special reason to believe your fertility level is going to fall off a cliff at any moment. :) ”

        That was ironic, right? I mean, “a cliff” is not exactly a great metaphor (it’s more like a slight downhill, then a fast downhill, then a brick wall), but the OP is well into the dicey fertility years and heading fast towards infertility.

        You ARE kidding on that, right?

        • Anonymous

          Nope! Turns out because science she isn’t actually kidding. Read it. Very interesting.

    • Pearls

      Every moment of every day, keep your attention on your actual sphere of control. Shift away from thinking and wondering about what is going on with him or your relationship timelines, instead focus on what you actually have control over – your own thoughts and actions. Stay in the present moment. You be you, and let him be him.

    • profmama

      Take him at his word that he wants to wait until a year together before getting engaged. Since he’s put that out there as the timeline, accept that it’s not going to happen sooner, and you can’t control the timeline by being anxious or trying to get him to move faster (easier said than done of course).

      Agreed that his comment that you would probably be engaged by his birthday – which has come and gone – was misleading, so either discuss that with him and find out what happened, or let it go.

      You could also take this time before engagement/ wedding planning mayhem to address some of the challenges in your relationship, either together, or with a neutral third party. You mentioned difficulties – “like everyone’s” – but often, the first year of a relationship is pretty easy & still in the honeymoon phase, so it might be worth looking into what is causing difficulties this early on, and what can be done to make things easier.

      I had a bf at that point in my life that I thought might be “the One” despite the fact that we had challenges/ miscommunications/ disagreements on timetables and goals, including kids, from Day 1. Eventually, we split up, I met my now husband, and we had an awesome, spunky, healthy baby after 40. I’m glad that I didn’t stick with former bf, and I think part of my ready commitment to him was my age (like you, I was staring down 40 and all my friends were married & having babies). If we had stayed together longer, we would have had some serious work to do on our communications.

      • shamlet96

        thanks. the way i wrote it was probably unclear – when i said we had difficulties, i more meant that we didn’t have a perfect relationship, but I think overall we make each other very happy, have fun together, and generally enrich one another’s lives. WRT the “engaged by birthday” comment, we did discuss it briefly, and he apologized for saying it and not following through, but that when his birthday did roll around, he didn’t feel he was ready to propose, and I take him at his word. thanks for the input – i appreciate it.

    • 2 Cents

      Wait the year. You’ll be glad you did later. It helps calm the “OMG he can do no wrong!” honeymoon phase and can help set the tenor of how your marriage will be. And take him at his word. My now-hubs told me straight out that he wanted to wait a year before proposing, just because it seemed like a good amount of time for both of us. He ended up proposing at 13 months. Hang in there! And if he’s trustworthy in other areas (I hope), then trust him on this.

      • shamlet96

        thank you! i will definitely keep trying – patience is sadly not one of my strengths.

    • Anon

      I was your boyfriend. We wound up engaged after less than a year of dating, and are very happily married, but he wanted to get engaged even sooner and I know it was hard for him to wait. For me, the more anxious he felt, the more time I felt I needed. I don’t know if this is what’s going on with your boyfriend, but my husband tried at one point to pin me down on what, exactly, we still hadn’t discussed. Really it was just that I needed to get my head around the idea of an entirely new life. My husband was kind of a serial monogamist so there was always this girlfriend-shaped place in his life, which was either full or empty, but there. I was single pretty much my entire life up until then (a few short term relationships and one that lasted 1 1/2 yrs). No one tells you this but if you’ve been a good single girl and filled your life with friends and interests and career and tried to be completely fulfilled even without a relationship, you don’t have a place to put a relationship if you get one. I was kind of stunned by the way adding a boyfriend had shifted everything else in my life around, and so just needed more time to get used to the new life before I was ready to kiss the old one goodbye. But the more I felt pressure from my husband, the more I didn’t feel like I was getting the space to adjust, and the more time I needed.

      As I said, I have no idea what’s going on with your boyfriend. But eight months is SO not a lot of time! Can you get at why this is making you anxious? Is it because you’re worried he’s changed his mind? Or will change his mind? Are you worried he’s not really that into you and need the proposal to confirm that he is? Do you have any evidence he might have changed his mind? My husband deals with anxiety and depression and I know one of his big things is that he catastrophizes everything. If he doesn’t get confirmation of something, he immediately assumes the worst will happen. It seems to help him to work through it logically to see that, while he’s feeling scared and panicked, there isn’t evidence to suggest that his worst fears will come true. Your boyfriend moved in with you after less than six months of dating. He’s talking very seriously about marriage. It seems that, aside from not having proposed quite yet, there’s nothing he’s said to suggest he doesn’t want to get engaged very soon. Would it help you to have a list of things like this to run through every time you feel anxious?

      • shamlet96

        this is incredibly useful and constructive. I think the biggest part of the anxiety stems from my very loud biological clock – i have always known that I’ve wanted to be a mom, and now i feel like i literally have a ticking time bomb in my body that is about to go off. I froze my eggs last year (and got a pretty high # of them, which hopefully bodes well for my fertility generally), but instead of helping, all it’s done is make me even more anxious to get pregnant sooner rather than later so I don’t have to use them (as my doctor told me post-retrieval, i should try to do everything i can to get pregnant ASAP since they are a last resort). the other problem is that before my current SO, i was with my ex for almost two years, and he strung me along until the very end (even though we had discussed timelines and he knew i wanted to be married and pregnant by 35), so I’m still somewhat gun-shy and have trouble trusting. i’m really glad everything worked out so well for you – it gives me hope. :) thank you!!

        • CountC

          Try repeating to yourself that your current SO is not your ex. He isn’t, and you have no indication that he will behave like your ex. I agree with those who have said you should take him at his word that he wants to wait a year and I also agree with the above poster that your anxiety about the timeline may be making your bf feel pressure that is causing him to want a little space. That is PURELY speculation on my part, but I do always like to put myself in the other person’s shoes when I am freaking out about something. Just a thought!

        • cbackson

          This is so useful. I really struggle with the “where does a boyfriend go?” issue – between work and my charity stuff and volunteering and hanging out with friends and playing sports and traveling and all the “good single girl” stuff, I feel like I’m too busy for a guy. I tell myself that maybe when I meet someone I’m excited enough about, I’ll feel the desire to make room for said guy – but I am scared of losing my awesome single life!

      • Anonymous

        I went through something similar to the OP when I was dating my now husband of more than 10 years. we had been dating for two years and I moved halfway across the country for him. we talked about getting married and my timeline was faster than his.

        what worked for me was giving him an ultimatum — but NOT telling him. That is, I set a timeline in my head and said to myself that if it didn’t happen by X date, I was gonna move back home and move on. I picked a realistic date that was my real drop dead date (for me, it was about 8 months down the road, when my clerkship ended). Once I did that, it let me stop thinking about it and obsessing about it. He wound up proposing about 2 months later.

  13. 8th grad grad gift

    What’s an appropriate gift for a cousin graduating 8th grade? $50 check? I have no clue.

    • ml

      A text message saying “Happy summer vacation! You’re offically a high schooler now.” Are 8th grade graduations really a thing? I don’t think I called anything other than finishing high school and college a “graduation.”

      • Traditionalist

        +1 . Maybe a $10 iTunes gift card if you’re feeling especially generous.

        • Wildkitten

          iTunes was my go to when my cousins were in high school. I give them $50-75 for high school graduation.

    • SC

      I’ll be the voice of semi-dissent. 8th grade graduation was a big deal for me and my classmates. I had gone to the same school since first grade, and everyone was moving on to different high schools. We had a graduation ceremony and formal school dance. That said, I don’t remember receiving gifts for 8th grade graduation, though it was so long ago, I might just not remember. So, if you’re feeling generous, a card and a $10-25 gift certificate is more than enough.

  14. Anon

    Following up on this, what gift card do you all recommend for a cousin graduating from college? She’s pretty fashionable, not sure of her plans or tastes, and she may be diabetic. I’m thinking $50.

    • Hollis

      Amazon.com. No one says, “hey, I can’t find anything I like at that store.” Also, $50 in cash works, too.

      • Anonymous

        CASH. My parents weren’t/aren’t wealthy, so the cash really helped float me until my first paycheck post graduation.

    • Terry

      How about just $50? If she’s moving out of the dorms she’ll have all sorts of set up costs before her first paycheck. (I still remember setting up to clean the bathroom for the first time. Toilet brush+ toilet cleaner + 409 cleaner+ paper towels + sponges. It all adds up!)

      • SC

        I agree about all that stuff adding up! If you don’t want to give cash, what about Target? It seems like every time I move, and can’t take that type of stuff with me, I spend hundreds of dollars at Target to set back up.

    • Baconpancakes

      She’ll need work clothes, so Banana or Nordstrom, but $50 isn’t going to buy much from either of those. Can you get anyone else in the family to chip in as well? Not that $50 is anything to sneeze at, of course, but decent work clothes are expensive. Also, in addition to the gift card, if it’s appropriate, have her read The Defining Decade.

  15. need advice on lawyer

    I’ve been working with an associate to develop a contract (I’m not a lawyer). I just saw the draft which explicitly states that a particular payment is taxable, although I have an email from a few weeks ago which states that it is not taxable (in response to a direct question). At this point I really have to tell the other party that we had negotiated under false premises. But should I confirm with the associate first? I’m pretty pissed because this the taxes will not be negligible and we may have to renegotiate quite a bit. Also, I was billed for someone to send me an email that appears to have been factually incorrect.

    • Hollis

      I think you are jumping the gun here. Not clear what the facts are, but are you sure the payment is taxable? The contract explicitly saying something is or is not taxable does not make it so. Yes, I would definitely ask your attorney (I’m not sure why you are calling your attorney an “associate” – that would be like me calling my CPA “the director”) and ask whether it’s taxable or not and why the contract says what it does.

      • mascot

        I think associate is used here to imply that this a somewhat junior attorney as opposed to a more senior partner-level. But, I think you should absolutely ask for clarification. “The attached email say x, the contract says y. please explain the discrepancy” Then decide how you need to proceed.

    • Anonymous

      Of course confirm first! The draft might be wrong. And Id cc the partner on your question.

      • SH

        Ditto. They may have used a template and only proofread 3 times instead of 4, and not caught the mistake.

        • TBK

          This. Chances are the partner said “look at the XYZ Corp contract — I think we did something similar there” and the associate pulled it and just copied and pasted. I would definitely not freak out until I’d contacted either the associate or the partner and said “hey, that email from [date] said [blah blah blah] but this draft you sent over says something different.”

    • Walnut

      Follow up on the tax issue. Make sure the attorney seeks out appropriate counsel if they are not versed in the tax impacts.

  16. JEB

    Has anyone purchased the Dagne Dover tote in the linen color? Was it fairly easy to keep clean? I’m going to take the plunge and treat myself to this bag for my birthday, and I LOVE the linen color, but I’m thinking black may be more practical. I’d hate for it to look dingy or dirty. And I take public transportation, so that’s a factor.

    If I’m too late, I’ll post again tomorrow.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions