Coffee Break: Ella Tote

148 Comments

1. Would you hesitate to fly cross country a month from now (NYC to Vegas) due to this Corona virus? We were going to book flights today/this wk and now IDK. There’s no way they just cancel flights from China, Vegas is a tourist destination etc so IDK. I feel uneasy and don’t want to lose $$$ on flights; one friend is leaning hard towards no going because she doesn’t want to get on a plane with this going on, the other 2 thing it’s totally crazy to even consider not getting on a plane and I’m in the middle. Thoughts?

   1. No way. I get on a plane monthly, mostly for vacation or family not work, and have no plans to stop. I might reconsider a flight to China but nowhere else.

      1. To clarify the “no way” was to “would you hesitate?”

   2. I would not hesitate.

      FWIW, this comment has the same spelling irregularities and syntax as other tr0lling comments.

   3. Barring a sudden uptick in US cases, I’d go. Thus far, this virus a) is contagious but not terribly so and b) isn’t linked to that many deaths relative to the number of cases.

   4. Yeah I think this is just looking for things to worry about. I have a ton of business travel coming up (all four weeks in Feb I’m headed somewhere, mostly coast to coast) and it never occurred to me to change.

   5. Planes are germ factories all the time, so observe good hand-washing hygiene and go. I’d be more worried about the flu and measles (thanx, antivaxxers) as things that actually regularly kill tons of people than this. Statistically, the car ride to the airport is more likely to negatively impact the rest of your life than the plane ride.

   6. No hesitation. I’d hesitate on a flight to Asia but they’re already screening people for fevers to stop this thing in its tracks and there have only been a handful of reported cases outside of China. Honestly, go to Vegas, wash your hands, don’t touch your face, and just steer clear of the huge crowds of Chinese tourists that travel on those big bus tour groups.

   7. I wouldn’t think twice about flying, it’s one case.

   8. Vegas is a major tourist destination of people from China. I wouldn’t so much worry about the plane as I would the hotels and common areas in Las Vegas (so 99.9% of your trip).

      1. Eh, Chinese tourism in Vegas is small compared to NYC, SF and LA. Also I wouldn’t be too concerned about something that’s made “hundreds” of people sick in a country with a population of 1 billion. Your odds of dying from the common influenza that circulates in the US every year are *much* higher, and no one ever suggests avoiding air travel for the duration of flu season.

         1. Right. This is silly overblown and xenophobic

         2. Plus Chinese New Year travel season this year is Jan 10-Feb 18 with the peak of it being now/this weekend. That’s when most people have time off so that’s when they’ll be vacationing whether in the US or elsewhere. A month from now, a major vacation season is over and far fewer people will be traveling — for the same reason that Americans tend to travel around Christmas/New Years but then a majority of them are back to work on Jan 2 and not scheduling another vacation on Jan 8; sure there’s a small minority how go away after a major holiday season because of good deals but that’s not most people.

      2. The virus has hit the news because it’s a novel risk, not a big one. To put it in perspective, in the US (pop 0.33 billion) there have ~300 deaths from flu this winter. In China (pop 1.4 billion) there have been 300 deaths from the corona virus.

         1. It’s even less than what you said. There have only been SIX deaths in China. ~300 is the number of cases. It does seem to be more deadly than the flu (ie., if you get it you’re more likely to die) but you’re much, much less likely to get it.

            1. Gah! And I understated the number of US flu deaths. It should be 3000. Debating between more coffee or just going home early…

   9. No I think this is silly

   10. Was on Vegas last week – flew from Baltimore- definitely go…flew to Atlanta today. Lots of people in masks

       1. BWI to Atlanta people were in masks or at either airport? Because of ONE case in Washington state where it seems like the person returned from the city in China where this began? Interesting . . ..

   11. I would limit my flying b/c when you fly, you are breatheing other people’s air, and if they get it, you will be more likely to get sick. Years ago, when I was in high school, there was the SARS virus, and China did NOT tell us so alot of us got sick and no one was abel to figure out what was goeing on. We need to make sure there is a quarantine for people who are sick. The Ebola virus was around and my dad made me break up with Noah, an emergency room hospital MD b/c he treated Ebola patents, and he did NOT want me to get sick by exchangeing any bodily fluids with him. I could probably have MARRIED him and have kids by now, but I listened to my dad, b/c he is smart. We all need to listen to smart peeople and we will succeed in getting the vaccine for this new virus! FOOEY!

   12. They have rerouted passengers from this region to a limited number of US airports that are equipped for health screening. Review the CDC materials.

2. I have an upcoming meeting with the main partner I support and he’s asked my partner mentor to be there. I’m a good employee and received a good annual review in December (promoted to fourth year, made full bonus) but it’s been super slow since Thanksgiving for me while the rest of the group has been busy. It seems circumstantial but I’m getting paranoid that I’m being pushed out and this meeting is to say as much. I really don’t want to leave big law as a 4th year and I’ve already lateraled once to switch into a practice area I love. What do I do? Can I say something to address whatever the issue is and get another chance? Do I grovel for work and to keep this job? Is there a way to handle this situation with dignity?

   1. Can you nose around to see what this is about? Do either regularly talk to you? Can you bluff about needing to schedule something “for next week” to see if that doesn’t tip their hands?

      I never saw it coming, so I am suspicious of the unscheduled meeting for RIGHT NOW with HR/management (or the unexpected call from a client’s management) than for something scheduled in the future.

      1. +1
         Planning a meeting in advance and inviting your mentor, rather than sandbagging you out of nowhere, signals to me that the meeting is actually about your development. Plus it’s only 3 weeks into January. You have plenty of time to turn the year around. Figure out what you want to get staffed on and be ready to show how eager you are for more work.
         If it is more underhanded than that, I’m sorry.

   2. Be ready to detail what you have done to find work, and what you have done with your time in terms of non-billables.

3. Can we revisit the Ask a Manager thread mentioned this morning about the nonprofit requiring employees to camp during business travel? So. many. issues. Are employees expected to buy their own camping gear (to the tune of at least a few hundred dollars)? Are women expected to camp solo in an unfamiliar area? Are there showers? Just…how?

   1. I work in nonprofits and to quote the great Jack Dawson, I am an Indoor Girl. I would fake sick and get a doctor’s note and then look for another job. I would never in a million years camp for ANY reason. I really resented someone in the comments say they don’t want to work for nonprofits because of behavior like this. Dude, this is not normal. We know how to book hotels like other companies. This is just a really messed up boss.

   2. So insane. Like many of the comments said, I love camping, but a work trip is NOT the place for that. Hell no.

      1. Same (OP) – I love camping too but it absolutely, 100% does not mesh with business travel.

   3. I used to date a super outdoorsy dude, with loads of camping and climbing gear, who’d probably love a chance to camp on company time, and I’ll bet the company in that thread has some employees just like him but they assume everyone is that type to be all “woooo, camping! my favorite thing! I’ll bring my best gear, it’ll be rad!” and others will just go with the flow and adapt. Heck no, if my company asked me to camp on a work trip I’d start job hunting immediately, and for the trip, I’d probably book my own hotel and eat the cost, but make sure I’m out of there before the next trip.

   4. If I worked there, and I’m very glad I don’t, I would flat out refuse to do it.

      I was once asked to go on a business trip where colleagues were doubling up in hotel rooms and I said no. (And booked a single) So camping is way, way out of the question.

   5. I know of a government environmental agency that camps and uses bikes for necessary work travel. It’s not a requirement or policy, but it is totally the norm for them.

   6. I wonder if that letter was real.

      I know of a lot of companies that make employees share rooms (not beds though) for work travel. And some places that give per diems where everyone has crammed into one room to have more $ for food and booze. Work travel can be crazy.

      Where I work, they won’t tell you if someone is on your flight or at your hotel, so I now hate being the only person staying at Hotel A who can’t get the benefit of walking to/from with other people I know.

   7. I think I’m in the minority but I’m giving the manager the benefit of the doubt. The manager shot off a general email asking people to “try, when possible” to stay at a state park. If someone tells me to “try, when possible” to do something I’m not willing to do, I’m going to lean heavily on – sorry it won’t be possible for me to do that this time (or ever). The email didn’t sound like a mandate to me, it sounded like manager letting people know about an option for work travel that they probably wouldn’t have considered and that they might (or might not) appreciate.

      It would be totally different if manager scheduled a business trip on X date to Y city and instructed the employees to camp at Z park. But that’s not what happened.

   8. I don’t get the logistics. Where are they holding their meetings? On the clearing by the big oak? Or do they make staff sleep in tents and then also drive an hour to the city? Is this a new idea/new manager or has no other employee questioned this before?

   9. I went camping with the scouts last summer and there were a bunch of parents who camped at night and then went to their jobs during the day (still leaving enough adult leaders to manage). I am not sure if they smelled like a camp fire and if they went home to shower vs the actually decent adult bath house. Again: their choice though.

   10. I enjoy camping…but no, just no. I don’t own a tent or gear. I camp with friends or family. Do they really expect employees to purchase expensive gear? Do they expect them to then take a cold shower the next morning or a wet wipe bath? Just totally inappropriate.

   11. The other possibility is that the director meant it for all field staff and it went out to everyone. There’s a unit of my university that does exactly this… for field staff because it puts them on-site to do their work, and their grant is a state grant, so generally the fees are waived.
       Even these folks stay in hotels for conferences and stuff like that, though.

   12. As an HR I would be totally against camping. There could be so many safety issues the company would be liable for, not to mention sexual harassment.

       1. Yes, exactly. Camping puts people of both s-xes together in flimsy tents and sleeping bags who typically have privacy in hotel rooms. Dad says he would never endorse having KUMBAYA sessions with people he was not familiar with, particularly those of the opposite s-x. He loved his time in the milatary, but there were ONLY men with him and they did stuff as a group, going into town when they wanted to socialize, and they got hotel rooms in town when they wanted privacy if there girlfreinds or wives were visiting. On the OTHER hand, having to camp with employees put people in close proximity together and they could take physical advantage of each other; mostly men taking advantage of secretaries, but even the other way, where there is a female supervisor who pressures a younger male subbordinate into doing stuff with her. That is NOT right. Dad would tell the boss to put you into a hotel nearby, even a cheap room at a motel, if necessary, but watch out for bed bugs. FOOEY!

          1. I’ve seen lots of team building events based on camping, it was a trend 15 years ago. People were sent on inhabitant islands together to play Survivor-ish stuff, just camping, imitating military. It was fun of them, but didn’t really help building a team more, than lets say having a cooking class together, or just going to the bar.

4. This weekend, my twitter was a flutter with people pointing out the irony/hypocrisy of the FBI quoting MLK and having an MLK quote engraved at their headquarters, considering the FBI previously being against the civil rights movement – to put it lightly.

   This got me thinking though. How do businesses or government agencies that were on the wrong side of history make things right? Not saying anything about MLK seems worse. Would a better tweet be something like “We regret our agencies historical actions and today try to live by his words (insert quote)?”

   It seems like they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

   1. They should have said nothing. No one expects the FBI or all other government agencies to have “something to say” for every holiday or event. The FBI in particular should known better as it’s somewhat accepted that the FBI murdered MLK, and at the very least spied on him tracked him and threatened him with death regularly. It’s in terrible terrible taste.

   2. I think acknowledging their failures would have been the better move.

   3. Sure, but I don’t think there’s ever even been acknowledgement from the FBI or US Government about how they were on the wrong side of history, so that makes it that much more frustrating when they tweet an MLK Jr quote. Not to mention that tweeting a quote is entirely meaningless in terms of substantive change.

      1. DeRay McKesson, current day black civil rights activist, has talked about being tracked or intimidated by the FBI within the past few years. I doubt he’s the only one. So acknowledging being on the wrong side of history with MLK would be, at best, a start.

   4. I’d expect them to devote resources ($$$) to furthering a relevant cause, in this case the establishment of civil rights of black persons and racial minorities in a general sense. In terms of lip service, I’d like them to acknowledge at the very least that they have a special responsibility to work for the advancement of these goals. Let them use MLK day or black history month to highlight and spread the word on what resources they offer, to make sure people know what programs they can make use of.

      1. I hear what you’re saying about money having more meaning that words I’d bet there are legal barriers to the FBI taking government money and deciding to use it for a purpose beyond their charter, however worthy that cause is.

         1. I’m at a federal institution and there are lots of diversity initiatives, with high-level staff devoted to inclusivity, plus bottom up initiatives in the divisions, training and workshops open to thousands of staff members, outreach with local schools and colleges, paid internship programs. I don’t know if we’re any better than similar institutions in terms of inclusivity, harassment or discrimination at this point, but I can see that they’re trying hard and the effort feels genuine to me because I can see the time and money invested in this.

5. This is so ugly

   1. +1000

   2. +100

   3. I agree.

   4. Hideous. I’m not a Tory Burch fan in general but this is especially bad.

   5. Amen to that. I got myself a Telfar shopping bag recently and it’s really great, very practical, functional and looks rad

6. I just signed up for my first beginner barre class! What should I wear, and what should I expect? I do Orangetheory regularly, and am looking for other workouts to supplement it. This studio also has yoga classes that I’m going to try.

   1. Wear regular workout clothes. Bare feet, or some studios require you to wear barre socks with a grippy bottom. They’ll probably have them for sale. Bring water.

      Barre is HARD (for me, someone who isn’t an athlete or a gym rat). It’s small motions with light weights, but repeated over and over and over until you want to die.

   2. I do barre almost every week, and my go-to is leggings with some sort of athletic tank top or t-shirt. Depending on where you go, it’s no big thing if you don’t have grippy socks yet, some places let you wear regular socks if the studio is carpeted (as was the case when I did PureBarre) or barefoot if the floor is hardwood, which is usually the case.

      Barre classes tend to require a lot of endurance. You’re holding uncomfortable poses for a long time, moving up and inch and down an inch, or pulsing to the beat, it can be rough if you’re new to it. I’ve been doing it for over a year now and even I sometimes need to pause, straighten my legs for a hot minute, and resume, no one will judge you if you need to do this.

      1. The “no one will judge you if you pause” also applies to the yoga classes.

         1. And also every exercise class and most public activities, really.

   3. Wear leggings and a tank top. Ask the studio whether grippy socks are required. If you are going to Pure Barre and really want to look the part, wear full-length leggings and pull the hems down over your heels.

      As far as what to expect, be aware that barre has absolutely nothing to do with ballet or any other form of dance. If you have any ballet training, everything you are asked to do in barre class will seem unnatural and wrong, and you will hear your ballet teacher’s voice making corrections in your head. Also, do not warm up before class as you would for ballet class, or everyone will stare at you like you are some sort of weirdo. I learned that one the hard way.

   4. Related: Would barre be a good supplemental workout for runners? I know that I need to work harder on my strength training and I absolutely will not do it if left to my own devices. ;)

      1. I do barre for this reason. I think it is good cross-training in that it is mostly focused on areas you need in running. You’ll want to make sure you have good form to avoid exacerbating any existing running injuries, though. I’ll add that it’s probably “better” to do a traditional strength routine geared towards runners, but I enjoy barre, which means I’ll do it, so that’s good enough for me for now.

   5. Wear grippy socks, expect it to be SO MUCH HARDER than it should be. I do orangetheory 3-4x a week and Barre is hard. FWIW, if you have any sort of body dismorphia/issues, PureBarre may be hard for you to deal with. I couldn’t square that allllll of the language was about ‘lifting that seat’ and ‘firming that mommy tummy’ in time for summer ladies!
      Like, sure, I workout partially for vanity, but can you not ID any other reason we might want to get stronger? I preferred pilates both for the workout and the focus on core strength/balance being really really important to mobility.

      1. I felt the same way about barre. And it didn’t help that the class was full of 20-something skinny girls with ponytails, making me feel like a troll.

         1. I’m a 35 year old mom of 3 that is out of shape and 20-25lbs overweight. I LOVE barre. I’m still overweight. It took me 2 classes to feel like I belonged and more like 8-10 to feel really competent in a way that I did not feel like Jello for a week after. The first class was awkward because everyone m knew the moves and terms but honestly, just do it!

            I wear leggings and a tank top (slim-ish fit with wide straps. 99% sure it’s an old maternity tank.) with a loose shirt over- half the time I take the top shirt off. I go barefoot, but I’d say at least 2/3 in my New England studio wear the grippy socks. Totally up to you.

            Wear something that doesn’t ride up badly/uncomfortably when you put your arms over your head and you can comfortably squat and stretch in. Bring water!

   6. Thank you all! It’s not PureBarre, but an independent studio. I appreciate everyone’s input.

7. Hi all — I will be going on a long weekend to Nashville in April/May. Any recs for great neighborhoods to get an Airbnb or VRBO in? Any must dos? We like country music, but the Grand Ol Opry looks extremely cheesy to me — educate me if I’m wrong, please. Thank you!

   1. Pls stay at a hotel.

      Hotels pay taxes (including local occupancy taxes) and follow wage and hour rules. And have liability insurance. And don’t ruin their neighbors’ QOL.

      1. +1

         1. My neighbor gave us no notice that she was listing her house on AirBNB and I have never wanted to burn a house down before but after a couple weekends of partying guests and their friends, you couldn’t give me kerosene and matches fast enough.

      2. +1,000,000

      3. Agree. On the topic of matches, hotels also have to have fire alarms and evacuation plans.

      4. I agree with you in spirit and ideology, but I’m sure the Airbnb is paying both property tax and hotel/bed tax.

         1. See: https://www.avalara.com/mylodgetax/en/blog/2018/02/airbnb-reaches-tax-collection-deal-with-tennessee-department-of-revenue.html

         2. Now let’s see owners deal with less they make in residential neighborhoods. I have two young kids and drive a minivan. I like to sleep at night. Our weekends are awful as the party AirBNB gets rowdy after 2 or when people get home from clubbing and drunk people are loud and smoking outside. They leave butts all over and broken bottles that they ash into.

            And I’m a city on a weekend night, the police may come in an hour, if they come. They are dealing with felonies, not QOL issues.

   2. Don’t miss the Opry if you love country! It’s not cheesy at all, it’s mostly lesser known acts (although you may catch a big name) and they put on a great show. Are you thinking of the Opryland resort? Because that’s kind of cheesy. But the Opry itself is a great place to watch live country music.

   3. When I went with my boyfriend and a couple friends, we rented this cute little bungalow right by Belmont University, and it was close enough to walk to Music Row, and a bit of a hike away from the Parthenon but it was totally doable for us and well worth it. We did need to Lyft to Hattie B’s and the Five Points neighborhood, but they weren’t super far from where we were. Didn’t bother going to the Opry, but it’s cool going down Music Row and hearing all the different bands in each bar.

      1. Music Row is a street of recording studios and homes. There are no bars or music on Music Row. That is not where you were.

         1. Dangit, you’re right, I got my words all mixed up, sorry. I meant the boulevard with all the bars and stuff and I just blanked on the name. Sorry.

   4. Yes, dont. At least don’t get an air bnb. Stay in a hotel. Tourists are destroying the city by taking up housing the should be used for residents. If you can’t afford a hotel dont go.

      1. And all those weekend guests in neighborhoods are ruining those neighborhoods for the actual residents. People try sh*t that no way would fly in a hotel (and bothered guests could leave bad reviews and demand that hotels move them — there is no recourse for people next to a party house).

         1. If someone started renting out the house next to me as a party house on Airbnb, I would be calling the cops every time they violated noise ordinances and would be starting the campaign to ban airbnb’s in my city. I don’t get why anyone things this is appropriate.

            1. They will be appropriate as soon as they allow angry neighbors to post reviews.

   5. Stay downtown if it is your first and you want to be in the middle of things. There are several boutique hotels such as Dream, Bobby and Noelle and lots of chains. The Omni is really nice and JW. Broadway is all the live music and see a show at the Ryman over the Grand Ole Opry (plus that’s a hike from
      Downtown). Go to Printers Alley. First Museum. Country Music Hall of Fame. Check out the Nashville Originals for lots of local restaurants. We have new restaurants popping up every week. Just be prepared thar it’s insane and many locals don’t love all the tourists.

   6. Agree that you should stay in a hotel. One downtown would be great because you can go to all the fun honkytonk bars and live music and then go to bed. Country Music Hall of Fame is excellent. See a show at the Ryman if you can. I don’t think Opryland is worth it to visit, but a show there could be fun. I don’t live in Nashville anymore and I still miss Pancake Pantry. Go for lunch if you don’t want to wait in line in the morning. Eavesdrop on random music business conversations (for better or worse) at basically any coffee shop in the city (my personal favorite is Fido’s).

   7. The Grand Ole Opry was my FAVORITE part of my Nashville trip. Do try to get tickets and attend.

   8. If you want to stay somewhere a little outside of downtown to have the chance to hit some less touristy things, I’m a local. West End area has lots of fun stuff and is walkable to downtown. West Nashville (Charlotte/Whitebridge area) is pretty up and coming, as is 8th South/Melrose. East Nashville has already up and come; there’s quite a few things to do at Five Points and along Gallatin Pike. Avoid Dickerson Pike on that side of town still though. I personally love my South Nashville/Wedgewood Houston area but I don’t think it’s great as far as places for an out-of-towner to stay.

8. Can anyone give me advice on dating multiple people at once? I’ve been doing the online dating thing on and off for two years, so it’s common for me to have multiple chats/first dates planned, but I’ve never had more than one person make it past date 2 at the same time. Around a month ago, I matched with 5 appealing men in one day — I ended up going on dates with all of them. 2 were duds but 3 went well… I am now 3-5 dates in with each of them. I definitely thought that they would drop off on their own merits by now. If I had met any one of them but not the others, I would continue dating him to see how things go. But doing the same with all 3 is starting to take up so much of my limited free time and I feel exhausted. I am excited about aspects of each of them and enjoy our dates very much. All the cons for each guy are the kind of superficial things that I know aren’t actually a big deal to me once I’m in a relationship — inconvenient neighborhood, somewhat awkward taste in clothes, reads the one genre of books that I don’t, etc.

   I’m looking at another weekend of 3 dates — Friday night, Saturday afternoon + evening, and Sunday afternoon + evening. Friday and Sunday guys are disappointed that I’m “busy” on Saturday. I’m too much of an introvert for this kind of quantity, but I’m separately looking forward to seeing each of them! I recognize this is a good problem but… help?

   1. If you’re 5-ish dates in, you’re probably starting to have a better idea of who these men are beyond the superficial, right? I’m assuming you’re looking for a relationship, not to keep going on dates indefinitely. Whose values align with yours and the type of relationship you’re looking for?

      1. +1. Also, it seems unlikely to me that after multiple dates you feel the same way about all of them. Isn’t your gut telling you that you click more with one than the others?

         1. Who do you wanna bang

            1. Well I’ve already banged 2 of them and both were GREAT. Different approaches and different preferences, but great in their own way.

         2. I’ve been wondering if my gut is broken, but no.

   2. Agree. At 4 or 5 dates in, I was talking with my date about big picture and long term things, not superficial any more (dates 1-3 I was able to gauge the superficial stuff), so it was easy to knock guys out in search of a long term partner. Are you doing that? Start talking about what you are looking for, are you lifestyles compatible? Long term goals, etc? Some might think it’s too early, but I was 30 years old when I online dated for the first time ever so I not messing around, I wanted to know if my date was aligned with me on long term goals and finding a life partner. If not, next!

   3. Screen for any type of helpless manchild behavior now.

      1. AMEN to this. Drop those guys like a hot potato.

   4. Do you have a gut feeling about who you’re least excited about? Maybe drop one after this weekend (or before, if you already know who it would be), and see where the other two go after a few more dates. If you haven’t already, try to have some substantive conversations about values, goals, etc. in the next few dates. Once you’re 6-7 dates in, if you still can’t choose, maybe the answer is none of the above? Unless you’re fine with just having fun and seeing where things go with one of them.

   5. You could invite all three to a cocktail party and have them vie for your attention and then give two of them a long-stemmed red rose at the end of the night!

   6. Post pros and cons about each of these guys here for those of us who want to vicariously follow along! And you’ll likely get advice about which cons are “cost of doing business” and which ones are dealbreakers.

9. Ugh. My sister is 35 and has been diagnosed with a whole host of psych issues for about 10 years. She’s an alcoholic (recovering, and currently 2 years sober, but had 2 major slip ups over the past 10 years, both of which landed her in the hospital for several days), has extreme anxiety, a working diagnosis of bipolar (it isn’t textbook but it is very similar if not actually bipolar). She is independent in that she’s got a masters degree and a professional career.

   I am not super close with her- we used to be, but she had a psychotic break about a decade ago that changed a lot for our family- she’s sort of a shell of who she once was. It’s really sad. We text and see each other on major holidays. She’s not allowed to see my kids solo, but she’s gotten to a point where she’s able to spend time with them. This is context for the fragility of her mental state.

   Anyway, our parents are divorced. My mom has always planned to move to/live with my sister (sister got married and divorced twice in the past 10 years. She’s currently divorced). Mom is 67, retired, and now talking seriously about moving to Sister’s state.

   Over text this weekend, my sister, who calls my mom to help her book plane trips, who vacations with my mom, who has my mom do her taxes, etc- told me that if course she’s not living with Mom; in fact, her therapist/medical team have it written in her charts that the relationship they have is toxic and that my mom is a trigger for all my sister’s major psych events. My sister apparently is loaded up with Xanax (she used to self medicate with booze) whenever she’s around my mom, but hasn’t told her this.

   ANYWAY. She refuses to tell my mom that Mom can’t live with her- or really near her- be she’s afraid it will send my mom into some kind of emotional breakdown.

   I don’t want to touch this situation with a 10 foot pole. However- is this the sort of thing where I have a sit-down with my mom? She’s literally putting her house on the market and setting up times to look at houses in my sister’s town (with the idea that my sister will move in- and she’s mentioned all this to my sister who laughs it off like it isn’t happening).

   My brother has bowed out of the situation entirely. I talked to my dad, who has been divorced from my mom for 20 years but is a good sounding board, and he sort of shrugged- he agrees it’s An Issue but couldn’t figure out what to do about it.

   This is just so much drama, DH and I are currently in camp Stay Out of All Drama Related to my Sister, but I want a gut check that I shouldn’t be doing more here given the new info that my mom is uprooting her life to insert herself into a situation where she is not only not wanted, but actively advised by medical professionals to stay out of. We’d previously assumed it was going to be a mutually codependent situation (which we were happy to stay out of).

   1. I would one hundred percent tell my mom. Zero question.

   2. Stay out. It has nothing to do with you and you’ll only become the mediator between them. I have completely bowed out of family drama involving my sibling and it is the best decision I ever made.

   3. I think for a situation of this magnitude – a move, a house sale – you have one sit-down once with your mom, share that sister doesn’t seem to be on the same page, and ask your mom how she feels about that. Then drop it.

      For lesser issues, I’d butt out, but this one has major financial implications for your mom that may later impact you.

   4. I’d make one “helpful” comment to mom, without saying anything that sister told you. Basically, “mom, you are making all these plans but are you sure sister even wants to live with you? I don’t recall her ever saying she did.”

   5. Normally I would say to stay out, but in this case given that your mom is literally about to uproot her whole life. I’d share info with your mom and then try to stay out. If your mom moves and it’s a disaster I could see it becoming even more of your problem

      1. +1.

   6. The only way to deal with this situation would be to have them both at the same place and same time and lay out the situation. If you can’t make it or aren’t great with confrontation, stay out of it.

   7. If your move was just talking in the abstract, I would leave it. But since she is putting her house up for sale, I would definitely say something. Don’t let your mom uproot her life and undergo a potential financial catastrophe because you don’t want to get involved – that’s just cruel. This isn’t some peripheral acquaintance, it’s your mother. Please talk to her.

      1. +1. There is no way that I would let my mom make that kind of major move without all the information I had.

         1. I agree with this.

   8. OP here- thanks to those that weighed in. It’s so hard because I KNOW the answer is to stay far away from this- but at the same time, I know exactly where this is headed.

      My sister won’t tell my mom, so I apparently have to. Once. With second hand information.And she can do with that what she wants, and it will end badly but I guess I can say I tried, right?

      FWIW my mom is not innocent- she is incredibly obtuse and also smothering/enabling. To date, I’ve washed my hands of the situation with my sister (as has my brother, and also my father) as it’s bad and getting worse. My dad keeps in touch but lets her live her life/make her own choices. My mom is still trying to “fix” a problem that is not fixable for someone who does not want fixing. Ugh.

10. We are doing a project on our house that required an engineer. His final invoice is 4 times more expense than his estimate for the project. His work left me underwhelmed, he was indecisive, and each time a small thing on our plans needed to be changed (our permitting process was admittedly a PIA), he changed the entire design without much explanation or warning–we had discussions about how that was unacceptable after each surprise redesign*. His final invoice came with a vague line item description of hourly work. I’m struggling to find individual things to dispute specifically, but instead take issue with the length of time spent on each thing and the unilateral decision to redo our entire design multiple times. I want to counter the final invoice with a detailed explanation of where things went wrong (including references to when we discussed this during the permitting process), and detail when he spent additional time on the project without our pre-approval, and suggest we only owe 1/2 of what he’s billing for. Has anyone successfully handled a situation like this? Am I wrong in trying to argue this? Given the contract we signed, there was no way to fire him mid-process.
    *He explained his redesigns as better designs, with no intervening reasons to have prevented that “better” design from being the first design. The design is an outdoor project focused on flooding mitigation, if that matters.

    1. First step is to inform him that it is four times the estimate and ask for a detailed invoice. Then dispute everything you did not approve.

       1. Agree. And is there any language about additional work in your contract? I’ve worked with both an architect and engineer, and it was always X hours and then an hourly rate of Y ; anything over Z hours to be approved by homeowner in advance. Eg. $1500 flat fee with $150/hr after that with a $500 “approval”. We did several go rounds and always always our architect told us ballpark what kind of work would be needed. We didn’t like the bill at the end, but it was not s surprise ;).

11. This feels silly, but I am posting it anyway
    My daughter (age 20) needs a new winter coat, to wear in general, but especially because she is going on a trip somewhere cold. She is very undemanding. She have not asked me to buy one.
    I myself need a new coat. The old one is worn out. I am very frugal concerning myself – the coat is twenty years old. A few years ago, I got one from Goodwill that I use to.
    Now I found a coat I really want. It is expensive. I think too expensive to buy for my daughter. I feel like if I bought it for myself, I should lend it to my daughter for her trip. I would feel guilty if she gets to cold. On the other hand, since I rarely get new stuff, I would like to feel it was mine, and mine alone. I feel stupid for even writing this. Please, what are you thinking?

    1. Omg please go have some wine and chill. Your daughter is an adult who can find and buy her own coat, which she seems to understand. Buy your coat. Wear it. Enjoy it. Don’t share it.

       1. Her daughter is 20 and may very well be in school and depending on mom for support (I have a college student the same age). And the fact that a 20 year old has not asked for a new coat is not proof that she does not need a new coat – maybe she just wants to be considerate.

          Can we please stop with the “why are you worrying about/asking about/seeking input for” a third party? Some of us love our children/friends/spouses and are concerned with their health and happiness. This seems to happen every single time someone asks about their child or spouse or friend.

          To the OP – I would suggest you keep your nice coat for yourself and buy your daughter a less expensive (but warm) coat. At most and assuming she is very careful with her things, you might loan her your coast for her trip, but that does not solve the problem of her needing a coat. Land’s End does have some very nice coats and a lot of sales.

          1. Omg omg you are outta your mind

          2. Thank you. I know I started with this is a little silly, but I was surprised that some felt is was that stupid

    2. buy the coat for yourself. do not lend it to your daughter. she will be ok. you can lend her your old coat or let her go to goodwill and see if she can find something that will work for her.

       1. i will elaborate a bit further – my mother would do the same thing you are doing but as her daughter I would want her to buy and have the coat she wants.

          1. Thanks, that resonnated with me

    3. Buy yourself a coat if you can afford it. Don’t loan it to your daughter. At best, you’re going to feel like your splurge purchase isn’t really “yours.” At worst, she loses the coat or spills something on it.

       If your daughter really needs a coat, your options are to (a) let her figure that out and buy or borrow one from a friend, (b) offer to loan her one of your older coats, or (c) offer to purchase a new coat/give her money toward one. You have no reason to feel guilty if she gets cold on this trip–it’s up to her to plan ahead for her needs. (If you think she’s unaware of how cold it will be, and she won’t be in a position to buy a coat during the trip, maybe ask her once what she’s planning to wear. If you don’t like the answer, offer whatever help you’re willing to give.)

       1. This is helpful, thanks

    4. What? Just buy her a coat.

    5. 50% off one item at Lands End today — she can get her own coat for not a lot of $ that will be good in cold weather

    6. Buy her a coat and buy yourself a coat. You are overthinking this. Athleta has really cute ones on sale right now.

    7. You are weirdly overthinking this. Buy her a coat. Buy yourself a coat.

    8. I am thinking you need to buy yourself the fancy coat and not lend it to your daughter. And given that she has not asked you to buy or lend her a coat, that is all you need to do.

       1. I guess you are right, it is all in my head. Thanks

          1. The ideas expressed about buying the coat for yourself and possibly lending it to your daughter are wonderful. I disagree that you are overthinking this! You sound truly frugal and also kind, and questions like yours make complete sense on this forum.

             1. This a a very kind comment, thanks

             2. Thank you very Much

          2. Check out poshmark or thredup! That’s where we get our winter gear and they’re cheap and great!

    9. Buy yourself a nice coat; you’re an adult.

       I am firmly in the camp of “kids don’t get nicer things than their parents have.” That doesn’t mean you deprive your kids to make a point, but parents are allowed to have nice things without upgrading the kids’ stuff. This is especially true when the kids are teenagers. If they want nicer stuff, they can mow lawns or scoop ice cream.

12. I’m finishing up a horrible project at work where I’ve neglected myself, so I want to schedule my first facial on Saturday. I’m thinking it’ll help me relax, brighten my very tired skin, and generally rejuvenate my face during a cold, dry winter. Any thoughts on what I should be asking for? What can I expect – will I still be red-faced on Monday? What about Sunday?

    1. I have fairly sensitive skin but facials don’t leave me red at all, even with a good exfoliant. I usually forego makeup the rest of the day and look instantly brighter and fresher. I would ask the person doing your facial what she suggests (whether you’re dry, need exfoliating, etc.) and then be conservative with things for the first time. It does feel good, the process is relaxing, and you should come out looking better so I wouldn’t put too much pressure on it and see what you like about it and what options can be tailored to you.

    2. I don’t have particularly sensitive skin but I had a facial at lunch a week ago (with microdermabrasion and extractions) and was back at my desk in 90 minutes with no blotchiness or obvious redness.

    3. Get a Hydrofacial. Expensive but soothing and moisturizing.

13. About a month ago, I finally broke up with a guy that I’d been seeing off and on for almost three years. He wasn’t right for me, and I’ve since learned that he had been cheating on me, so it’s no love lost. I don’t want him back. But I’m having a hard time with the loneliness. There is literally no one that I want to date right now, and – at 39 – I’m starting to feel like this may have been my last hope of getting married and having a family. How do you get past the post-breakup blues? I want to be interested in someone but there is no one out there. I tried online dating several years ago, but it wasn’t for me. I’m an introvert, and I could never get excited about meeting strangers. I just wish I had someone to go out and have fun with. And yes, I have friends, but they’re all married with kids and – while I respect that their families are their priority – it’s hard when I need some support. So I turn to internet strangers….

    1. Well, first you have to recognize that the only way out is through. It’s gonna suck for a while and there is not much you can do to rush through it. Listen to a bunch of sad songs on Spotify. Eat some junk food. Find something to keep your mind and/or body occupied after work.

    2. You sound defeated. I think indulge in lots of self care, spend quality time with friends and family, and try to develop some new interest (possibly where you can eventually meet/get to know people over time) to combat loneliness. Be selfish for a while and give it some time and hopefully you’ll gain some hope or be more willing to date. There’s no proven shortcut to finding someone, unfortunately.

    3. Do you have interests you can spin into hobbies you do in scheduled groups? That can be a good way of meeting people and I think it’s easier for an introvert to slowly get to know people by meeting them over and over than having short high pressure meetings (like online dating or networking). If you like reading, is there a book club you can join? Dogs, agility classes? Hiking, groups? Running, same plus marathon training? Exercising, gym or yoga classes?

       On the other hand, do you feel less lonely if you have things scheduled, even if they’re just for you? I bit the bullet this year and bought a bunch of season tickets. My mom joined me for one of them, but the rest are solo. I sit by the same people and they’re very nice. I started taking ballet classes because I’ve always wanted to learn and have met some great women (frankly at my stage of life—single and childless upper 30s—I often have more in common with empty nesters than people my age who are in the middle of child raising).

       And, to second what someone else said, being lonely by yourself is still miles bette than being lonely in a relationship. You didn’t make a mistake by not settling. Live your best life, however that looks for you.

14. I feel you on all of this, but I’m divorced so I have the perspective to know that the loneliness you feel is better than the loneliness of being married to the wrong person.

    Only advice I have is to give online dating another try. It sucks, but with effort you can sometimes meet great people.

15. I have a loved one with an addiction. Several rounds of rehab and still not feeling optimistic. Two questions:

    1. I’m finding a desire to understand things from my loved one’s perspective. Can anyone recommend a book or other resources because I am truly struggling to understand.

    2. For those who have been through this, how do you actually let someone hit bottom? What does that even mean? While I have gotten better at knowing my limits, I can’t imagine not helping or supporting this person (not a spouse but immediate family). Maybe it just gets to a point where you can’t? I also keep feeling like it is bottom but how do you know?

    Any insight is appreciated. Thanks.

    1. I highly recommend that you find a Nar-Anon meeting in your area for families who are going through a similar situation. It is helpful to know that you are not alone, and to see how others are coping with what can be a horrible situation. I’m not sure how you can really understand from the addict’s perspective, because addiction, by definition, is not rational. In my case, my loved one hit bottom by getting arrested for a DUI, which sent him into treatment to avoid jail time. In hindsight, it was a true blessing and likely saved his life. He’s been clean and sober for 8 years. Good luck!

    2. Alcoholics Anonymous has good resources for family of addicts who are impacted by the addiction. Also, look for books by Wayne Dyer on addiction. With alcoholism, it helped me to understand that it is a disorder of the brain (often hereditary), not a choice by that person to hurt you. You might read books about the science of addiction. To “hit bottom” means something different for each addict. In the situation I’m close to, a husband had to tell his wife he would leave her if she did not go to treatment. That is, he would leave if she did not get into the car right now and drive with him to the treatment facility (where he had made arrangements for her to be received). This was effective when absolutely nothing else worked even a little bit. No one but the husband could have accomplished it. The wife’s treatment was successful and she has been sober ever since. You might read up on family interventions. Talk to your family members about who among you is in a position to force the issue. He/she may have to create the “rock bottom” for the addict. That may seem cruel but in fact it is a loving, courageous and compassionate thing to do, and it may spare the addict from an even worse “rock bottom” to come. Choose the very best treatment facility your family can afford.

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