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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Follow your dreams! Even if it is off a cliff
I grew up in a blue collar area where parents wanted their kids to get a good stable job. Your passions were for hobbies and nights/weekends. A job could be a skill (cutting hair) or a trade (pipefitting, masonry) or something that you could learn at community college or with a couple years at state u (nursing, bookkeeping, accounting) or if you had no idea you could work for the road department or join the military while you figured it out.
I am not in that world now. Think of somewhere like Bethesda and a BigLaw equity partner. Kids are encouraged to follow their passion but in a way that doesn’t give them a path forward or a means to find one. Kids somewhat robotically say “I want to go to Med school” throughout high school and college, only to find out that chem classes aren’t fun and getting into Med school is hard. Then they come home at winter break and now it is law school “because they are passionate about human rights / the first amendment / the environment / justice.”
I think these kids (like 3 kids of friends this year, but at least 1 annually in years past) are just in a panic and punting. But they don’t see that they are easily about to ruin their lives with student debt and they see a very unrepresentative slice of lawyers in their hometown. And because some law school somewhere will take you, it will probably happen.
I like a lot of the parents (none of them lawyers) and the kids are sweet. But there is a premium on encouraging kids to do what they are passionate at the moment for (about which they have no clue really), which I see so differently (they are potentially ruining their lives with debt and not likely to make enough to live at the comfort of a pipe fitter or person in the skilled trades). And frankly, passion in most things dims (and does a McDonalds manager think this was ever the right metric?).
What would you do — speak to parents? Kids? Stay out of it? FWIW my kids are just in middle school but have seen the slog (so the blinders may be off of them more than others), we live frugally (high housing and childcare costs but I drive an older minivan), and they have heard me rant on how expensive law school is. We are doing “the opposite of spoiled” at home.
Anonymous
First off, if they’re not your kids stay out of it. As to your own kids, what are you trying to do? Any white collar job can be a drag and a burden all the time once you have some level of responsibility. Do you want them in a trade? Then show them some options. The one thing I think my parents did less than well was help me understand how to choose a career. I get that passion isn’t everything, but you have to like it a little (or tolerate it).
Anon
This is less an issue of class and more a reflection of a messed up culture in which we expect kids to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives by the time they’re 18, even though even the most well-rounded only have been exposed to a tiny slice of what’s out there, career-wise. Even universities are pushing for a commitment to a major no later than the end of the first year and make it really difficult/expensive to change your mind.
anon
+1. I think high school graduates like OP describes should take a gap 2 years before entering college. If not before college, then I definitely believe college graduates should work for at least 2 years before starting grad school. I still became a lawyer, but I knew more about what I was getting into.
Anonymous
Agreed on the gap years. I took the two between college and law school. I should have taken 5, but I felt pressure from expiring LSATs and from my then-BF’s family and somewhat from my own to go back quickly and stop wasting time. But a gap year or two after high school would have been really valuable to me and many of my fellow students.
Anon
They’re not your kids, not your business. You’re making a lot of assumptions.
Anon
I know right? OP is doing it right and errrybody else is doing it wrong. Or at least that’s what I got from this post.
OP, mind your own f%^*ing business.
anon
This, so much. That was a lot of myopic condescension and judgment first thing in the morning, OP. These issues are important on an individual and societal level and merit deep thought and consideration, but that is just…. not what you seem to be doing.
Anon
The syntax is very similar to someone who loves to incite discussion about controversial topics.
Anon
She has posted basically the same post about four or five times now and every single time it seems like she’s looking for people to cosign that she’s justified in feeling sanctimonious and in passing judgement on others. I am over it, already. If I knew this woman in real life I would go out of my way to avoid her.
Anon
As someone who is called troll all the time on here and posts about money issues — this one is NOT me. And I have no particular views on anyone else’s kids.
Ellen
Yes, I also find this boring, so I will not contribuite my ideas, which are many, but not very positive, so I have learned to keep my mouth shut in such cases! YAY!!!
Anon
I mean, I don’t think there’s much you can do about other people’s kids unless they specifically come to you for advice.
With the young people in my life, I emphasize that it’s important to think about the tasks that you love (versus overarching goals, like helping people. What specifically do you like doing to help people?). If you love writing, go and try to learn about all the careers there are where that’s an important part. And then I try to help them learn about careers they may not know about as a teenager that involve those tasks.
M
I’d stay out of it. Nothing about this directly affects you and it doesn’t sound like anyone has asked your advice.
Anonymous
I’m not sure there’s really anything you can do; you’re seeing the general direction of an entire cultural subset. The best you can do is speak directly to anyone who is inviting your advice, and that’s not really going to do anything to affect even your neighborhood, much less the much broader cultural issue going on here.
Triangle Pose
Nothing. Stay out of it. You are projecting a lot. In your entire post, no one – not the kids, not the parents, is asking for your advice. Doing “the opposite of spoiled” (whatever that even means!) does not make you the least bit qualified to give your advice to parents and kids who have not asked for it. Stop ranting about how expensive law school is to these people. Don’t give your opinion unless these friends of their kids specifically ask you.
potato
“The Opposite of Spoiled” is a book – I think the OP means she is following its advice for parenting.
Triangle Pose
Ah. So the reference to a book was pretty irrelevent. Doesn’t change my advice, she needs to stay out of it. She can parent from whatever book she wants, still no need to butt in to other kids lives or tell her friends how to parent.
Vicky Austin
This happens the country over and is sometimes mockingly referred to as “finding themselves.” It’s a normal part of the college experience.
Anonymous
IDK
My firm wouldn’t let students intern, so they will never see the debt peonage until it is too late. My guess is that for people who are lawyers now, they strongly discourage their kids from doing the same. The kids who do go to law school have no idea how their reality will differ from what is in the glossy brochures.
Unless you are already Amal Clooney, you will not become Amal Cooney by becoming a lawyer.
Anonymous
Your last sentence is the best summary of the value of law school that I’ve ever seen.
Senior Attorney
Haha right? Nailed it.
Senior Attorney
And also? OP needs to mind her own business.
Clementine
I would do what you want with your kids and let others do what they want with theirs. I would speak openly and honestly – if asked – about the pros and cons of many fields.
I didn’t go to school to pursue what I was passionate about, I did something I thought would make me employable, but was luckily able to find a junction of passion + practical that has served me well. My husband is likewise in a great job that combines both. Sometimes I wish I had pursued my passion!
I do think that places like Bethesda are a weird bubble. I live in a small city which has hospitals/universities/government as the main industries and see a lot of people who were brought up working class but pursued educational opportunities that put them into higher income careers; however, the same people are likely to have an uncle who’s a welder and an aunt who sells insurance who are happy with their careers. Frankly though, many of these kids need to find their own path. And yeah, maybe that comes with the need for major financial education, but also: one of the most successful welders I know has a background in sculpture and does super cool sculptures on the side.
Anonymous
Finding yourself used to involve backpacking through Europe and staying in hostels and maybe teaching English in a foreign country. Not going 6 figures in debt.
Nothing scares me more than a second semester junior who has never cracked an LSAT practice book talking about applying to law school in the fall. That kid will get in somewhere and pay full tuition. And that somewhere will likely have a starting salary lower than annual tuition. Caveat emptor.
780
I didn’t crack an LSAT book until second semester of my junior year, and I got in to many top five law schools and the vast majority of schools I applied to in the top 14. And that was coming from a not prestigious state school. Putting aside the fact that you have no say in the matter and shouldn’t be butting into other peoples lives who aren’t asking for your advice, I think your fear that these kids are going to end up at horrible schools is really misplaced. Assuming that they’re going to good colleges, which seems like a pretty safe assumption from a place like Bethesda, I think it’s more likely that they’re gonna end up at a top 14 law school then they’re going to end up at a bottom tier school.
Anonymous
I’m glad it worked out for you, but I’ve seen a lot of kids get into NYU and have to borrow every penny. Some get jobs at Cravath. Some are in small firms in Secaucus or Brooklyn that don’t pay as much but they still have the same debt, same HCOL, etc. The bottom half of the class exists and we shouldn’t pretend that a success story is every story. Or that the best case scenario is the likely scenario.
January
+1 – I think you’re really underestimating the likelihood that kids raised in Bethesda (or a place like it) are probably going to do just fiiiiiine in the law school admissions game. They might not end up following their passions for human rights work, but they’ll probably end up with high-paying jobs after school.
Anonymous
I think that the Bethesda thing is just wishful thinking. My MIL is in Vienna and I live in Arlington (2BR that I got on my own while single). I have seen my DH’s friends just fail to launch where they may be living there, but it is only b/c they are still living in their parents’ houses or with substantial financial assistance. And they are people who aren’t rich, maybe GS14s and teachers, so the parents got in in the 80s/90s and the kids are just lucky to have timed things right (and that their parents timed things right). Both of my SILs couldn’t live up there without my MIL providing life support / actual housing. I think they are all kidding themselves but a lot of people like comfort but truly have no clue that they have started on third base and have actually regressed to second. Most of my DH’s friends live out past Dulles b/c they couldn’t afford anything closer (and that is for people with good jobs and no school debt and just a BA, if they had a JD, most of them couldn’t afford even that lifestyle with the loans).
Anon
I decided to go to law school the summer after my junior year after a really disappointing internship experience in my major, and never formally studied for the LSAT. I went to a T14 school on a big merit scholarship. I graduated with <$50k in debt and a Big Law job waiting. You can argue that it was an impulsive decision, but financially it was a very good decision. It seems weird to fixate on when a person decides to go to law school vs where they're going and how much debt they're taking on.
Anonymous
IDK I recall a lot of my friends found that the pre-med weed out classes did exactly that. And they had not-great grades and felt beat down and any port in an existential storm turned out to be . . . law school! No worries of rejection. And it has the prestige thing (and the kicking the can down the road thing). And a lot of them are in JD-preferred jobs now or not even practicing (mom burn-out), so I feel a bit sad that following their dream was probably a bad deal for at least half of them (who probably would have been better prepared had they worked for a year or deferred admission for a year while they worked on their LSATs to either go to better schools or get more scholarship $).
I was in the bottom half of my class at a school where BigLaw only talks to the kids on law review. I think it is wildly different at Harvard.
Anon
But if they’re turning to law school because they found pre-med classes hard, how is that “following their dream?” It seems like they’re taking the path of least resistance to what they believe will be a lucrative career, which is also not great, but an entirely separate issue than “following your dreams.” The people I know who REALLY chased their dreams might not be earning a lot of money, but they’re very happy because they find their career incredibly fulfilling.
Anon
I didn’t crack open an LSAT book until about that time. I went to a T14 school with a decent scholarship, paid off my loans in less than 2 years and am a senior associate on track to make partner in 3 years. You’re making a lot of assumptions.
I actually really enjoy my practice but know lots of people who don’t and agree that there are plenty of people who go to law school without really thinking through it. But your post is making a ton of assumptions and is coming off as very judgmental. It sounds like these people aren’t asking you for advice so you probably aren’t privy to a lot of additional information. If these college kids ask for your advice, be candid about your practice.
Anon
Sure they did… it just wasn’t all over the news.
anonn
Lol I am literally both of these paragraphs. Except I cracked the LSAT book after I graduated college and applied to law school during my semester teaching English abroad. Yes, I went to a regional, “somewhere” law school and my starting salary was less than half my total debt, but it was also 2011 and i did IBR for 6 years. My perspective on if I would do it all over again had I been less naive has swung dramatically in the last 10 years, along with my income. (then-no, now-yes) I think what’s most important is teaching work ethic and financial responsibility, your kids should not feel like they have a safety net strong enough to make ridiculous decisions. To OP though, stay out of it. These millenials are way smarter about this stuff than we’re giving them credit for.
Anon
“I think what’s most important is teaching work ethic and financial responsibility, your kids should not feel like they have a safety net strong enough to make ridiculous decisions.”
Yes, this!
Anonymous
I never cracked an LSAT book, paid full freight, graduated in a recession, never worked in big law, and have a great career and a great life and paid my loans off last year.
Anon
I agree with you that going to law school because you don’t know what you want to do with your life is a terrible idea and too many people take on debt without understanding the consequences. But you sound awfully smug in this post, implying your kids are better than everyone else (“we’re doing ‘the opposite of spoiled at home'”…). IMO, spoiled has way less to do with higher education that what your day-to-day life is like. Working class kids can be absolutely spoiled if their parents always wait on them and coddle them. It doesn’t really matter if it’s a parent or housekeeper/nanny cleaning up literal and figurative messes, the point is the child isn’t being given that responsibility, and it’s really not that tied to affluence.
And obviously, no, you don’t say anything to these people.
Anon
I’m not sure this is fair. Blue collar work can leave time and energy for hobbies in a way that professional careers often don’t. If a career is realistically to take over your life, it probably is important that you find it fulfilling.
Anon
Other than no control over your schedule, ridiculous attendance/leave policies and tons of mandatory overtime. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Signed, one who lost most of her 20’s and 30’s while working my way up to a blue collar job that paid enough that I only had to work one job.
Anon
It really depends on the blue-collar job, just as a lot of professional office jobs don’t pay enough for people to live without second jobs. But I can say, my cousins who became plumbers made six figures immediately after they finished their training program, which is significantly more than my sibling who is an accountant with 7+ years experience makes now. And my cousins work a lot less than my sibling
pugsnbourbon
Not to mention blue-collar work is often physically demanding and usually carries a higher-risk of on-the-job injury. Trade jobs are essential and important, but there are always trade-offs.
anon
Not your business unless the kids (or I guess parents) are contacting you for advice / gain perspective on life as a lawyer. Then, be brutally real. About financial and non-financial costs, trade-offs, other jobs that would have offered some of the positives of your path with fewer of the negatives.
anon8
You can’t give unsolicited advice to these other parents. It’s up to those families to figure out what is best for their kids. But like Clementine mentioned above, you can provide pros/cons about certain careers if asked.
Honestly my passion is making enough money at a job where I can pay my bills and provide for my family. I grew up in an Indian household and it was always drilled into me that I would get a stable job – doctor is ideal. I ended up going into software development. I guess the thought never entered my mind that I would be passionate about my job. It’s a job, it’s work and I fuel my passions outside of work.
ElisaR
WHY ON EARTH would you say something to these people?? you have no idea.
Anon
+100000000
govtattymom
Many of my college friends were following their dreams and “finding themselves.” They are now making a decent living doing incredible things; for example, one is a curator at a world-class museum and another is a professor of marine science. People do succeed in such careers (if they are smart, dedicated, and catch a few big breaks). I’ve been truly amazed to watch my friends put their ambitious dreams into reality.
Anon
THIS. I wish I hadn’t given up so easily on my dreams of being a marine biologist or astronaut. Admittedly I’m financial privileged and went to an elite college, but I think I could have achieved a career in these fields, if not that exact job, if I’d been persistent. Instead, I listened to society’s messaging that I needed to do something “useful” and lucrative, and I went to law school (where I did well and got a Big Law job after I graduated, fwiw). I think going to law or med school is actually the opposite of following your passion, at least for a lot of people. A few years ago I went on a whale-watching tour in Vancouver and the naturalist on the boat said she’d been obsessed with orcas since she was five years old and couldn’t imagine any other kind job. It kind of broke my heart that I had given up on my childhood passions so easily (although I’m not sure I ever loved anything as much as this woman loved whales, so I guess I’m also kind of jealous of people who have that kind of passion).
Anonymous
Are you the same person who endlessly posts about finding modest adult-sized clothes for your tall tween girl and what to do with middle-schoolers during summer break because you don’t know any other working mothers? And maybe also the same person who was obsessing over the width of her stove? All of your posts come off as awfully sanctimonious. “I am the only person in my fancy schmancy law firm and neighborhood and fancy circle of friends who knows what real life is like. Woe is me.”
anonshmanon
The other posters have made clear that there is nothing you can do about other people’s kids’ college plans. The best thing you can do for your kids is encourage them to take a summer job and make sure they know how to deal with money. Then tell them exactly how much you can pay for their education and make sure they really understand any debt they take on.
mascot
I agree that you are making a lot of assumptions. How about volunteering to speak at career day or offering to have lunch/coffee with a student (either HS or college) that is interested in law? Yes, there are plenty of smart kids graduating HS who think they want to go to med school and end up in law. I was one of those kids. Turns out, the things that I thought made a good doctor also are are great skills for law. I’m curious and a quick-study, I like counseling/helping people, I like getting to solve a variety of problems, I have a high tolerance for reading and research. Spending some time around actual lawyers before I applied to law school was invaluable.
anon
+1
This is how you can do something that is a) potentially helpful and b) has a chance of being well-received.
Criticizing other people’s parenting and implying that they are setting their children up for a life-long financial failure because they have different values and perspective than you do is not your place and not likely to be effective.
Anonymous
I sort of agree that you shouldn’t be giving advice to other peoples’ kids. However, advice I wish I would have gotten BEFORE apply and going to law school – “You only need to go to law school if you want to be a lawyer. Figure out what being a lawyer means, and if it’s still something you want to do, then apply to law school. However, there are many other ways to ‘help people’ and ‘work in human rights’ that do not require you to have a JD or be a barred attorney.”
Anonymous
With med school, if you get in, mathematically you will get a job that lets you pay back your loans (and there, 30 years is typical and there are special doctor mortgages that account for this). And your job is one that won’t push you out after 4 years (and there are generally more openings for doctors than there are doctors) and you won’t quit doctoring after 5-10 years.
With law, many jobs don’t pay well (like don’t pay better than non-law jobs: my secretary makes more than many lawyers in smaller firms but she has no law school debt, plus, her benefits are much better). And many people quit b/w 5 and 10 years out and do something where a JD isn’t required (and don’t even get me started on women who are feel compelled to quit before their kids are even school aged b/c it is just too much of a slog).
If I were going to do one out of something like compulsive duty / prestige / not knowing what to do next, I’d go with med school in a heartbeat (or something like being a mid-level provider, like an NP or PA). Law school is a gamble where the debt is certain and the payoff isn’t.
Or the bottom line when I went to law school (and I went) was don’t go if your starting salary < total debt, which is still good advice. I'm not sure how many kids pull out of the process after getting their LSATs and their acceptences only to find out that they are expected to pay full freight where they got in and the median starting salary for their top school will be much less then the total debt (esp. if they have any undergrad debt, which many kids do).
For Bethesda kids, I worry they'd get into GW or NYU but have to pay full price and then only be top 50% of their class (never mind the bottom 50% kids). And that loan forgiveness goes away (which I feel it has to, except for true narrow public interest like DAs and JAGC and public defenders and legal aid). I think that that's not bad math, but not great and Bethesda kids may need to count on living at home to save $, which may not be what they ever planned on (but is a sweet option to have).
Anon
Is someone who went to NYU and graduated during the great recession, you can still have a great life and pay off your student loans if you’re in the bottom half of your class at NYU and don’t get into big law. An absent another huge recession, the bottom half of the class NYU gets into big law
Anon NYU
GW and NYU are not comparable in that respect. Over 70 percent of NYU graduates go to big law and of those who don’t, the remainder are overwhelmingly at public interest orgs, government, or clerking. The percentage that go to small or medium sized firms is tiny. I’m on a board there and see these stats actually.
Housecounsel
Definitely stay out of it. My husband and I are both lawyers and our oldest, now in college, wants to go to law school. Notice I didn’t say “wants to be a lawyer.” Trust me; we understand the issues and are addressing them. I wouldn’t appreciate anyone else’s input unless I asked for it.
Anonymous
You are lawyers though and can have a meaningful financial convo with your kid. I think that everyone else sees the brochures and thinks that’s how it will be for them.
Anon
You seem to have a low opinion of “everyone else”
Anon
Yup, you’re right, you’re the only smart person in the whole world. Let’s all get your approval for everything, even parenting choices.
Anon
You don’t need to be a lawyer to understand the significance of taking on $200k+ of debt. My parents (one nurse, one professor) were very wary of me going to law school for this reason.
anon
+1 my parents talked to me a lot about the significance of law school debt when I was looking at law school. At the time neither of them had a college degree and one of them is a high school drop out. I went to law school knowing what the debt meant and that I’d need a high paying job to pay it off.
We’re all doing just fine.
Anon
You’ve posted about this a lot. I don’t know what you’re looking for people to tell you, here? That you are right and the better parent and your friends are terrible parents? Is that the validation you’re looking for? It might be worth exploring why 1. external validation from strangers matters so much to you and 2. why you are so emotionally invested in this.
Anon
Stay out of it — they’re not you’re kids and they have well educated parents of their own who can guide them.
But I think what you’re seeing is a bit of a phenomena of being in Bethesda (or similar communities around the country like Westchester etc.). These are kids who grew up in homes with $$ for the most part — even if not a flashy life, they are the types of kids who have college paid for or mostly paid for, they aren’t working 3 jobs to be able to take 2 classes a semester in school. And they grew up around friends’ parents who had “important” top of society jobs (esp financially) — which in our society is doctor or lawyer. So of course when they turn 18, it’s I want to be a dr. Then many go experience organic chemistry and/or shadowing in a hospital being around patients and are like — omg this isn’t for me — lawyer. This story is age old. I’m not seeing why you find it so alarming, and I think you’re “hoping” they’ll get into school ranked #200 and make 20k/yr. Reality is these kids went to top public school, top colleges, and frankly know how to “do school” — they know how to get straight As in college, they know to drop down to an easier major if their 3.7+ GPA is threatened by a hard major in college, they know how to study for standardized tests (and pay for classes/tutors if needed) and end up getting in the 90th%+ and bam there’s a top 14 admission or two which pretty much guarantees at least one biglaw offer. Now whether they’ll be fulfilled or not at 25 or 35 or 45 — that’s on them to figure out, not on the neighbor lady who thinks she knows their lives better.
Worry About Yourself
I was one of those kids – wide-eyed idealist who was gonna study political science, then go to law school and fight for the little guy. The thing that convinced me not to pursue a law degree was learning the sheer number of people who worked their butts off and went into debt for a law degree they can’t use because there’s a surplus of lawyers and not enough jobs. Ooof, no thanks. I did still get the poli-sci degree though, but ended up in talent acquisition wishing that I had either A) made more industry connections and built more practical research and analytics skills in college, or B) scrapped the idea of politics and gone into computer science or business.
I think there’s a false dichotomy when it comes to careers, you either follow your passion and live in a shthole apartmenr eating ramen every day or you study a practical field and get a lucrative job, but die inside and hate your life. Not true! It’s absolutely possible to follow the money and also be happy, the key is figuring out where your skills naturally align, not just your interests. And of course, the key is also to find a way to get the education you need while keeping debt low, and taking the cost of living into account.
I do think your perspective is valuable in certain contexts, but I also think you need to avoid giving unsolicited, dream-squishing advice to young people who are still figuring themselves out. Forcing a kid to study something they have no interest in and forbidding them from following their passion may result in financial success, but could also result in a lot of bitterness and resentment. Suggest alternative career paths that will satisfy these kids if you really think they should be redirected, but remember how stubborn teenagers can be! Let their parents handle the balance between following their dreams and being practical, and worry about your own kids.
Anon
So it’s typically not ok to say this on here, but do you realize that (many) people’s goal in life is $$$$ whether it means they pursue passions or not? I mean that was 100% my goal when I was in high school and it is even still now. In our society, the paths to $$$ (the conventional ones — because you can’t count on the fact that you’ll be an Elon or Bloomberg type who’ll invent something or start a huge co.) are medicine; law; finance. With medicine it can basically be any kind of dr. anywhere except maybe a few things like pediatrics which don’t pay. With law — it requires the T14 and biglaw path (which any kid from Bethesda can get on); and with the MBA it requires the Wharton/HBS/etc. and investment banking (or these days Silicon Valley) path which again any kid from Bethesda can get on.
Why is this soooo terrible? Would I recommend law to my kid knowing all the downsides of it? Yes because it will give him the $$$$ life to which he is accustomed and let’s be real life isn’t getting any cheaper. And every job — even your passion job — can have long hours, bad bosses, bad coworkers, politics, not getting promoted etc. Would I rather have those downsides with a 200k+ comp or an 85k comp? I’m going to pick 200k — because I know I’d be more miserable if I couldn’t just pick up and take a vacation or whatever. Plus with things like investment banking or biglaw, if it isn’t for you forever/you burnout etc., the “step down” lifestyle jobs put you in the 150k+ range, which still provides a nice life especially if you’ve invested your money at the 24-7 banking job for the last decade. If you burn out as a teacher and want to step back, I’m not sure there’s a lot of room in your salary range to really step back or even outsource some of your life tasks.
This may not be what you value, but this is what a lot of families value — esp families raising their kids in places like Bethesda. So I don’t get why you think you should be telling other people’s kids that this is wrong and they won’t be fulfilled at age 30 and PASSION . . . I mean if that’s what you want for your kids, that’s great.
anon
Yes yes we know, we’ve heard you say all this before. Obviously people like you exist.
“…because I know I’d be more miserable if I couldn’t just pick up and take a vacation or whatever.”
Lol right because senior associate in biglaw can just pick up and take a vacation or whatever. Oy.
anne-on
What, no love for consultants, accountants/actuaries, auditors, or engineers? They make 6-figures pretty easily too ;)
Anon
Thanks for the shout-out!
Signed,
An actuary
Anon
For all the lawyers on this thread saying I should have gone to med school, the payoff is better — Law and med aren’t as interchangeable as people act. Most people on here who went to law school (me included) — do corporate work. Who do you really talk to all day? Fellow attorneys and your clients are CFOs of financial companies, real estate companies etc. — i.e. other educated people. Can you/do you REALLY want to be a doctor? Are you really ok with people coughing on you? Do you really want to touch them — esp if they seem like they haven’t showered? Are you really ok with the older crowd who asks you questions about everything under the sun like — I eat spinach at 5 pm every day, now with this medicine, can I still eat my spinach; I usually sleep 7 hours a day but lately it’s been 6.45, what do we need to do? Are you ok with the uneducated crowd who really doesn’t understand what you’re trying to explain AT ALL. I mean medicine REALLY isn’t for everyone. It is an up close and personal type of profession. I am grateful for those who can/want do it because obviously we need drs/nurses etc. more than we need another real estate lawyer, but I think it’s a pipe dream when most people say — oh I SHOULD HAVE gone to med school.
Anon
+1 to everything you said. In addition, 99% of the attorneys I know publicly admit to being horrible at math and knowing nothing about science. Maybe I have a skewed subset, but I highly doubt most attorneys could make it through med school
Anon
11:47 here — I’m an attorney who is good at math and ok at science. Whether I could have academically gotten into and made it in med school — who knows — I wouldn’t have been going to Penn Med where I went to law school; I would’ve likely be scraping to get into any med school that took me. BUT what I knew about myself then and moreso now is people coughing all over me or me having to examine them or them telling me really personal physical things about themselves was NOT for me. I knew my career would be in law or finance or more of a general “business” career — something where I’m wearing a business suit, sitting in an office, going on business trips, and people talk to me about interest rates or whatever. So I really don’t get how 99% of discontent lawyers are always so positive that they could’ve gone to med school — it is really a different skill set and life choice, even if you can handle the academics of it.
Anon
Absolutely agree– I am a trial lawyer and sometimes regret not going to med school but ONLY if I could be a dermatologist and ONLY the kind of dermatologist that makes your face look nice whose clinic feels like a spa. Not a “strange growth on your foot” dermatologist. That, for several reasons, did not seem like a realistic path.
Anon
I’m a patent attorney, so probably also a skewed sample, but 99% of the attorneys I know are VERY good at math. Most of us have undergrad or even grad degrees in STEM. I deeply resent the stereotype that lawyers can’t do math.
Also, med school isn’t math. I would have hated it personally, because I don’t do well with blood and human anatomy, but it’s not like med students are sitting there doing advanced math or physics calculations. It’s a lot of memorization and, from what I can tell from friends and family who are doctors, actually involves a lot less analytical thinking than either an undergrad STEM degree or law school, both of which are much less memorization-based.
Anonymous
Tax attorney and only here b/c I am good at math.
Anonymous
HAHAHA I think that those people just become radiologists or anesthesiologists. Not all doctors are even patient-facing.
Anonymous
Last I checked, anesthesiologists were very much patient-facing.
T
Same with radiologists! Not sure that Anon at 12:24 has ever heard of interventional radiology?
Carrie
Of course – no one here is actually implying they are interchangeable. They require completely different skill sets, and even within medicine you can choose a different specialty to match your personality preferences (ex. academic intellectual goes into Oncology and does research + sees patients, orthopedic surgeon who spends most of the day in the Operating room and has amazing technical skills, intensive care unit doctor who hates outpatient medicine and likes having all of their patients intubated and not asking questions and can keep an incredible amount of data memorized and is cool under pressure, the pathologist who never sees a patient and stares into a microscope all day, and the radiologist who sits in the dark all day and makes a truly obscene amount of $$ but wakes up every night wondering when AI will take their job away…. All very different.
The point is that young people truly have no idea what these professions are, and have to choose a life direction often with very little guidance. And it is not uncommon as an adult to look back at your life and wonder, what if….?
By far, in my experience, it is most helpful to encourage your kids to shadow/talk to/intern/volunteer at places where they can observe people doing the job they think they might want to do.
Is it Friday yet?
LOL, my mom was a doctor, so everyone on earth expected me to be her mini-me and go to med school. When I decided to go to law school, I thought she’d be disappointed – she was glad, because she knew I have ZERO patience for stupid people, and would have been miserable. I’d have gone into some surgical or other sub-specialty that’s less constantly patient-facing, but still. Also, in terms of $$$, primary care, peds, etc. are not very lucrative compared to the amount of loans you take out, and your income is limited by how many patients you can physically see in a day (while keeping up with your increasingly intense charting requirements!) – so what you make coming out of residency is basically it. Even the more lucrative specialties are not a guaranteed lifetime meal ticket at this point, whether it’ll be due to M4A or private insurance companies maximizing their profits.
Anon
This is a good point but not all lawyers spend all their time talking about spreadsheets with CEOs or what have you. I have done corporate focused work but also personal injury and medical malpractice. Part of what drives the coulda shoulda thoughts re med school for me is my experiences in those realms. I have also done the corporate, spreadsheet cases and often find that world quite dull.
Also, not all doctors are family physicians or ER docs. I know an anesthesiologist who jokes about the fact that most of his interactions with patients happen while they’re unconscious.
Finally, I think a lot of the trope that lawyers are “bad at math and science” is because they never pursued it in school (which is a big part of how a lot of people end up in law school after realizing their years of higher education have given them no hard skills to market – ask me how I know). In retrospect, I have no doubt that I could have done well in pre med courses if I’d followed that path. I also know a decent amount of lawyers with finance and engineering backgrounds, which beliefs that myth.
Anonymous
In the wise words of Elsa LET IT GO! I got an undergrad degree that most of the lawyers here would probably call useless my income is great, I surpassed middle class at 22 years old and I have a really important job that I love. Kids will figure it out and if they don’t it will be a lesson learned.
Anon
Holy crap, you stay out of it.
Anonymous
Why is this any of your business at all? Spoiler alert, the rich children of rich parents do just fine and do not need you waltzing in to judge them. If they ask for your advice directly, give it. If not, mind your business.
Anon
+1 billion to ‘the rich children of rich parents do just fine’
Anon
This. And it sounds to me like OP is kind of hoping they won’t do well. Because she had a hard(er) path in life, there’s some part of her that hopes that some % of these rich kids have a harder life as well because they don’t know what they’re doing. Guess what OP — it rarely works that way. The kid of a Bethesda lawyer and dr. can flounder all they want and their path will still be “easier” than the kid of a factory worker from central Pa. For a lot of reasons — $$$, connections, parents’ “institutional” knowledge about education and white collar careers means the kid isn’t figuring it out on his/her own, financial guidance from the parents which will have them starting a 401k on day 1 of their first job while the rural kid may never have had anyone tell him what that is and/or can’t afford to start one for 10 years because he’s mired in loans, to say nothing of generous financial gifts like down payments etc. which will ensure that even their kid who went pre med to law school to legal recruiting because he couldn’t handle practice still ends up raising his own family in a town like Bethesda, whereas the rural kid may never be able to scrape up the down payment to get in the door there due to loans, helping family etc. Life isn’t fair OP, accept it and stop looking for others’ failure and worry about your own.
Never too many shoes...
I think this dress is pretty cool but I suspect it reads more casual in person.
Shoe question – does anyone here have shoes from Boden and, if so, how do they fit/feel? Specifically if you have the Shrewsbury shoe boots – my mouth is watering over these green ones…
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/shrewsbury-shoe-boots-woodland-green/sty-a0649-dgr?cat=C1_S2_G11
Anon
I love this dress and have ogled it online before but I wish it were a few inches longer.
Anonymous
I can’t speak to the Shrewsbury, but in general I like Boden shoes a lot. I find the sizing to be consistent between styles and the shoes to be comfortable and well-made, especially for the price. If it helps, I wear a 36 in Boden shoes (sockless) and the Vans I wear to commute (thin-ish no-show socks–Stance brand, if useful) are a 6.5. I’d expect Boden shoes to be a tough fit for wide feet–my feet are narrowish and while to be *perfect* the shoes would be narrower at the heel, I have no complaints.
Anon
I found the one pair of Boden shoes I ordered to be way too narrow and I don’t have particularly wide feet.
Anon
Does anyone have experience with the FODMAP diet? My doctor recommended I try it but I’m overwhelmed with how restrictive it is and how the distinctions are not intuitive. I have a fair amount of working lunches and dinners so I need to be able to eat at a restaurant. Any tips on meal planning or eating out would be greatly appreciated!
Anon
I’m not on the FODMAP diet but I am gluten free and dairy free with about 3 other food allergies. To the extent I have control over where we have business meetings, I always suggest the same restaurant where I know a handful of safe things I can eat without 1000 questions. If I instead have to go somewhere new because that is where I am invited, I call first and ask 1000 questions to figure out what I can eat. Then when I order I will order my dish and then say “I’m the one that called about the food allergy.” Usually the waitstaff will know exactly what I’m talking about if we had a reservation. Whoever I spoke to on the phone spoke w/ them ahead of time. I usually still mention the gf/df bit too but I can breeze through it given I’ve already identified a safe dish. So it will sound like “Hi. I’ll have the sirloin with green beans. I’m the one that called ahead about the food allergy. Gluten free and dairy free please.” FODMAP is a lot harder but you could probably say no sauce/no seasoning and get meat and veggies.
Anonymous
At restaurants, I would start by ordering from the gluten-free selection, and then additionally avoid onions/garlic, beans, and mushrooms.
I don’t know what list of foods you were given, but I think you should be able to find dishes that use potatoes, corn, and rice for the starch. I know there are a lot of random restrictions (asparagus! watermelon!), but I feel a lot of them are not super common in restaurant meals anyway.
NY CPA
Yes I did it a few years ago when I was at what was probably my lowest point in terms of severe IBS. It did definitely help me to feel better. I identified in particular that onions are a big trigger for me, and I don’t think I would have figured that out otherwise. However, I was in grad school so it was easy to cook at home. If you can meal prep a lot, it can be done. I found eating in restaurants very challenging. I guess I agree with Anon above that calling ahead every time you need to go out is your best bet. You can eat simply seasoned (i.e. salt & pepper) meat / fish with rice or potatoes and some types of veggies. If you call ahead, you can probably get them to sort out something with that. Definitely say its an allergy though, people will completely ignore you if you say its due to an “intolerance” or “special diet” or whatever.
Anon
Download the FODMAP app from Monash University – it uses a green/yellow/red light system per food and also incorporates size of portion. I find it pretty intuitive and helpful especially for eating out (you have to know what terms Australians use for some fruits and vegetables though— you won’t find eggplants, just Aubergines and Brinjals, but they do have pictures!) My dietician suggested trying the fodmap diet but emphasized it was an elimination diet and not everything would necessarily be an issue for me. I’m lactose intolerant and a lot of fructans cause me problems but not others – and anything that is in more than one category (like artichokes) is a hard no. Onions and garlic are fine for me for example, but cauliflower is terrible, even though it’s in the same category. I also find that I can often get away with one food from a category, but not multiples — no chickpeas, lentils and beans in the same meal.
For eating out, I definitely find grilled or broiled protein with leafy green vegetables and rice or potatoes to be the absolutely safest meal as the other posters suggested.
Anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for how to approach the subject of memory loss and confusion with a relative? I have an aunt who lives alone and who is showing some worrisome symptoms, such as not being able to retrieve her mail from a special mailbox on her property, not being able to remember her sister’s friend’s names despite having met them many times, missing flights repeatedly because she can’t get out the door on time, and a few others. She has bad ADD and always has and her sister and I kind of always defaulted to that, but we’re getting worried that these could be more serious symptoms. However, we don’t want to freak her out by suggesting that we think she has dementia or something like that. Any tips for how we can get her to see a doctor and get this checked out? She has seen specialists for various issues over the years but does not have a regular PCP at the moment. Also, we are her only family.
Anonymous
Those all kind of sound like consequences of ADD rather than necessarily dementia or similar. Maybe if you focus on getting her to see a psych for that, they can then refer her to someone else if they think its something more. But time issues (the flights), and memory issues (the names and mailbox) definitely sound like ADD to me. I’m in the process of getting a diagnosis for ADHD myself, so I’ve been doing a lot of research.
The Original ...
I might go with something gentle like, “I was talking with a friend whose mom is scheduled for some cognitive and physical tests just to get a baseline of health to know if something might be wrong later on. I’ve been thinking that it sounds like a really good idea, especially since it would make it easier on doctors later if a medical problem pops up. You know I want you around for as long as possible so I was thinking that we could schedule those tests for you and do lunch between them or dinner after or something and make a day of it! What do you think?”
Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s her ADD, but it’s worth getting checked out and having a baseline IS useful… and if she refuses, you could then get together with her sister and try again, maybe seeing both of her only family members want this for her may guide her to reconsider!
Anon
Thanks for the responses so far. I should add that she’s already taking medication for ADD and has for a long time, but I wonder if it might be time to revisit the drug/dose. God, I hope it’s ADD and not worse.
Anonymous
One alternative thing a lot of people miss – the symptoms of depression in the elderly often mimic the symptoms of dementia. My grandmother was having the same issues (plus some others) for the first year and a half she lived on her own. She now takes a low dose antidepressant and is back to normal. Loneliness can take a toll, particularly as friends/family start to pass away or are less able to come visit/see you.
Anonome
ADD and ADHD are heavily correlated with dementia, so your concern is warranted.
I would suss out her general day-to-day feelings regarding her state of mind, then work from there. If she introduces the idea that she’s overly tired, or constantly frazzled, then you have a good opening.
Anon
This sounds like slightly more than ADD to me, since you think it’s a change. There are a lot of medical problems that can cause memory and attention problems that are not neurodegenerative (thyroid problems, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies). She should start with a primary care doctor and go from there. It sounds like you haven’t brought it up with her, and since she has ADD you might use that as an in. (Also, if she’s on meds from ADD she must be seeing a psychiatrist? Who should definitely be able to direct her appropriately.)
ToS
Ask her if diabetes or high blood sugar runs in the family…as if she is supposed to be monitoring it, and is not, she might be inadvertently contributing to her own difficulties.
If her diet is OK- great and this is a non-issue, I’m floating an idea.
Has her exercise decreased?
Social activity helps, has that changed (as mentioned above)?
Send help
My husband has depression, and has as long as I’ve known him. Sometimes he has major depressive episodes for a few days or a week or so, but for the most part he is stable and the depression is well treated.
Now he is in the darkest place I’ve ever seen him, and has been for months. He has ramped up his sessions with his therapist, and we have also gone together.
Any advice for how I can support him during this time? I would love to hear from people with depression or with a depressed loved one. I will take any advice you can give.
Anonymous
No advice, just a hug from an internet stranger. I’ve been where you are and it’s really, really hard.
Notinstafamous
No but hugs from an internet stranger. That sounds really tough and you sound like a wonderful spouse.
The Original ...
Get your own therapist. Seriously. You need to have the space to have it be all about you and to talk through things so that you don’t get lost in his depression or have it impact your relationship in additional ways.
Other than that, remaining judgment-free and present while following guidance from his therapist (if he allows you to know what’s going on there or periodically participate in sessions) is all you can do.
pugsnbourbon
+100. My partner has also been fighting a severe depressive episode for about a year now. Having my own therapist has allowed me to talk through all my fears and frustrations, which helps me be a better support to my partner.
I’m not sure if you’re in a position to do so, but maybe explore having him take FMLA time away from work. There may be some intensive outpatient programs available if he does this. There are also some newer treatments gaining ground – ketamine (really) infusions didn’t work for my partner, but they’ve done wonders for others. They’re $$$ though.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, please know you aren’t alone.
Anon for this
When I was at my lowest during a depressive episode, one of the things I was most grateful for was when a friend would just listen when I needed to talk. No opinions, no advice, no judgment.
I also tended to isolate myself, which led to a complete lack of structure. Work provided some, but not enough. So to the extent you can help create that, I think would be helpful. Little things like getting out of the bedroom and watching a movie downstairs with someone also helped.
Also, I found yoga to be really helpful. Specifically hatha yoga, which is more about calmness and alignment. At least for a brief time I was focused on something else, and not mired in my own dark and negative thoughts. It was slow and easy enough to handle.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for your husband (and you!). I know how tough this can be.
Anonymous
Hugs, I’m like your husband. My husband and family members that are in the know are so confused by it. If he hasn’t tried Wellbutrin, it lifted me out of a depressive episode that lasted over a month. I stayed on it for a few months and have gone off. Now I know it’s there for acute treatment if needed.
anon
I’m so sorry. I am also like your husband, but my serious episodes are somewhat far apart and generally severe. Has he seen his psychiatrist? There are meds than can “pump up” the effectiveness of his normal meds. They don’t want you on them forever and they almost surely will cause weight gain, but they help. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle for me to be on the right meds but then I’ll go years without adjustment or problem. The increased therapy sessions are also key.
As for how you can react, I think just emphasizing that you are there for him and that he is not a burden is the best you can do. My darkest and scariest days were the ones that I felt terrible but also like a burden to my loved ones–which left me feeling utterly hopeless. It may not make 100% sense to you but he may need to HEAR from you on a regular basis that he is not a burden and that he would be missed. It’s a horrible disorder and so frustrating for otherwise rational people to experience–on both sides. Therapy for you could definitely be helpful–especially in a “crisis” period like this. It may be able to help you understand him better but will certainly help you develop your own coping techniques.
Anon
No real advice, but hugs. One thing that’s helped me with my husband who has struggled with depression is stop trying to “fix” it, although it’s all I want to do. It takes a lot of conscious effort to play the supportive but not controlling role and it can be very hard, but I think the results are better. That being said, I’ve pushed for getting over those initial hurdles, like scheduling the appointment with the therapist. Make sure to take care of yourself too.
Anon
C’mon, mod again for no discernible reason? Get it together.
Former Bethesda-ite
When I was low, I wanted someone to just acknowledge how hard it was for me to just do the minimum of getting up, going to work, cooking, driving, laundry, watching my kids, maybe some socializing. If I did stuff like that a few days a week, I was exhausted. And if someone had just said, you’re doing great! I know it is hard for you, and it IS hard, because of the wiring in your brain that you have no control over, but you’re doing it and you’re doing great!
That would’ve been awesome.
Send help
Thanks everyone.
anon a mouse
Boss has asked several of us to submit ideas for half-day team-building activities that would occur throughout this year. In DC. Previous outings included a Nats game, a team picnic by the cherry blossoms, an escape room and paddle boats on the tidal basin. I’d like to get a few more ideas. Any other suggestions? (Has anyone done axe throwing with coworkers?)
anon8
Honestly my ideal team building would be go to out to lunch and then get the rest of the day off.
What about some of volunteer event? I recently participated in a food packing event where the food was sent to Haiti.
Never too many shoes...
Hard pass on the volunteering – too much scope for conflict over the cause chosen.
Anon
How is giving food to needy people controversial? You can easily stay away from anything political like abortion.
Worry About Yourself
Right. My team at work just volunteered at a food bank for an afternoon, it was a big assembly line operation to sort donated items into all these different categories, and it was actually kind of fun! I don’t really think helping people in need get get food, cleaning supplies, diapers, and toiletries is controversial.
Senior Attorney
I’ve done a food-packaging event similar to this and it was great: https://www.riseagainsthunger.org/
Never too many shoes...
I did not mean this example specifically (although I think there are people who would object to Haiti-centred charity) just that there is always someone who feels strongly about charity work and who wants the hassle when team-building is meant to be a bonding experience? Forced volunteerism seems too much like a PR opportunity and a potential for conflict.
anon
I’ve done axe throwing with coworkers. it was fun and I’d definitely recommend.
Never too many shoes...
My firm has done axe-throwing with clients and it is really fun. When we went to DC, we looked at a Potomac cruise where you have all you can eat crab – it looked really fun.
anon y mous
My team did axe throwing a few weeks ago and we loved it! We went to Kraken Axes near Gallery Place. You can get a private throwing lane plus a coach who is there with you the whole time.
Anon
I would much rather do axe throwing or archery or climbing or similar than yet another boring lunch or sporting event. I also don’t like the employer feel-good volunteering approach when it’s supposed to be a treat for the employees.
Anon
+1 forced volunteering makes me so mad. If employers really want to encourage giving back, then give people paid time off for volunteering with an organization of their choice. Otherwise it’s just a not at all subtle virtue signaling/PR stunt
anon
+1,000 We all have our own pet causes. Trying to force employees hands about how to volunteer feels like court-mandated community service to me.
Anon
My company has suggested a volunteer day on a Saturday. That’s a hard nope from me. It costs me $10 and over an hour each way to make the commute to the city where we work and that’s the last thing I want to do on a weekend. I will gladly volunteer on a company-sponsored weekday, but I won’t view it as “teambuilding” per se.
Cat
Lunch and private museum tour?
JS
Bowling! Surprisingly fun with a competitive group of people
Anon
My office had so much fun with a bowling afternoon over the holidays.
Belle Boyd
If I went axe throwing with my co-workers, I’d likely be charged with murder.
Vicky Austin
Hahahaha.
anon
now wondering if you meant manslaughter or murder…
Anonymous
My husband really enjoyed his department’s shuffleboard outing. Shuffleboard was great fun because nobody knew how to play, so everyone was equally bad at it.
Anonymous
As part of a pre-committee retreat I participated in an afternoon with archery, skeet shooting and ATV (Florida area). None of those are anywhere near an activity I would normally do and I had an absolute blast. If you force people to put themselves out there in some way like this, it really fosters conversation. I’d pick something sort of crazy–goat yoga, food walking tour with interesting treats or the like.
Anonymous
I’ve done a cooking competition that was super fun. We did a paint night (except during working hours) that was OK, but honestly I was there for the wine.
When I was on a team that traveled a lot (to see clients), we’d build sightseeing into the trips as teambuilding. When we had a big meeting or conference in chicago, we did the boat tour, for example. We saw a broadway play when we were in NYC for a big 3 day client hoopla.
Senior Attorney
I was going to suggest a cooking competition, which I have also done and it was a blast.
Anon
Scavenger hunt through an app or online to ensure no one is tasked with creating the hunt.
Former Bethesda-ite
The one with women is often a spa-day or something similar. Not sure how it builds team but eh.
A lot of your options are not very disabled-friendly. Please consider being very inclusive.
Maybe a movie? Or a workshop on public speaking or a cultural heritage observation.
I am not really sure how any of these build team? Whatever.
Anonymous
I think a lot of these are inclusive, but nowhere did the OP indicate her team had any special disabilities that needed to be accommodated for.
I’ve done a cooking class for a similar activity, I enjoyed it from a participant’s perspective and it was during working hours.
Lobbyist
paint pottery, group bike ride, group outdoor park cleanup, lunch and a movie in the middle of the day
NY CPA
If you’re thinking of axe-throwing or other similar activities, you should check your company policies. Mine has a strict policy prohibiting them at any firm-related event due to the risk involved. But I work for a huge company with a very concerned risk management team so YMMV
SSJD
Go to President Lincoln’s Cottage for a tour. Very engaging and focuses on present-day matters with Lincoln’s values as a prism for thoughtful discussion.
Anon
Not in your area, but our department retreats have included a traveling planetarium show, and a felting workshop.
Anonymous
Is there a Top Golf near you?
Anon
+1. Our team did Top Golf and supposedly had fun. (I wasn’t there.) One in National Harbor and one in Loudon.
Anonymous
Lawn bowling is a hoot.
Anonymous
Have done axe throwing as well. A lot of fun. Other fun ones were cooking, scavenger hunt in a museum and a team building exercise where we actually built little bridges
Anonymous
Good Morning, I am looking to buy a kindle. I have not had one since the first edition came out. Which one should I get? TIA for ze recommendations.
Anonymous
follow up: do they not make kindles with a keyboard anymore??
Ah
I have and like the Paperwhite. Not too heavy, backlight can be useful at night. I’d get a DX for the larger screen if they came up with a new version but it’s too dated.
Cat
I like the old-school Kindles the best — the ones that have physical forward and back buttons on each side of the tablet. I tried the touch-screen kind and HATED it because I could only go “forward” with my right hand and it was awkward to tap the very edge of the screen with my thumb while avoiding accidentally selecting a word… so my 2 cents is to buy a refurbished 5th edition.
The Oasis I think you can turn upside down to swap the button orientation, but it’s like 5x the price of a refurbished older one.
Anon
Get the new model that has a “warm light” function. Without it I have to wear blue blocker glasses or the blue light from the thing makes it impossible to fall asleep, even on the lowest setting
Anne
I love my paperwhite.
Anon
The fire tablets are great too. You can have the kindle app and tablet capability all in one.
Anon
They suck as tablets, though.
Anti-Kindle Fire
I also hate them. I got one a few months ago and it just sucks down the battery. If I’m reading, I only get 1-2 days of usage out of it.
Housecounsel
I love the Paperwhite. I have two since I am always losing one in couch cushions and finding it days later.
Ribena
I have the Paperwhite with its own internet connection – it was a £50 upgrade when I bought mine (six years ago, almost) but it’s been so worth it. The amount of times I’ve bought books while sitting on the tarmac in planes that weren’t going anywhere, or in hotel rooms with inaccessible hotel WiFi, and so on…
Reader leader
Related since this thread is mostly about getting old kindles – where do I get accessories for old kindles? I lost my kindle in its own zip-front case that opened that I could hold it like a book. so current kindle is from circa 2014 or so? Anyway, it is floating in my work bag without its own case, ugh. How or where do I buy old-style accessories for it?
Anon
Check amazon first. Know your model/version number. I had no problem getting a new case there for my older Kindle.
Coffee Maker?
Yesterday I found out what my bonus will be (arriving in a couple of weeks); it was very generous. I have a kiddo on the way, so I don’t want a huge splurge, but I want to buy myself a little treat, and I’ve decided to consolidate my home coffee situation. I work from home at least 3 days a week, and never go out for coffee (nothing easy to get to on my commute), and my husband hates coffee. Right now I have a Keurig (that I got for free) for “regular coffee”, a Nespresso for, well, espresso (which I drink straight the least often), and a milk frother to turn said espresso into lattes if I’m so inclined. I would love to continue to have the same options (sometimes I just want a regular cup of joe, but i like the option of a latte!), but I would prefer to have one machine (three is just too much counter space, TBH), and, if I can, a machine without pods (more options to buying coffee, better for the environment). I’m trying to look for an all-in-one, and the best idea I’ve seen is a Ninja machine that does both single serve, intense, and full/half carafe, with a fold away frother. Has anyone had one? Does anyone have other ideas?
The original Scarlett
Nespresso makes regular coffee pods and you can send them in to be recycled. You’ve probably already got what you need ;)
Coffee Maker?
Are you talking about Lungo pods? Tried them. Those only give the size of a double espresso, and I can’t fit a regular sized mug under my Nespresso, so I would need to use a smaller cup (and pour into a mug) and multiple pods to get a full cup of coffee – which isn’t practical for guests, and gets very expensive very quickly (as opposed to buying coffee beans on my own and grinding them, for example). I also find it stronger than just a regular cup of coffee.
Coffee Maker?
Oh, sorry, I spoke too soon. Apparently the newer Nespresso machines (the VertuoLine) can also brew coffee. Who knew? Mine is nearly 8 years old and is the original (and the most basic model at that). I would need to buy one of those, however . . . so if there is another option that allows me to use/grind my own coffee rather than use pods, rather than buying one of the new Nespresso machines, I’m open!
Never too many shoes...
PSA, the Vertuo coffee is delicious but it is not very hot, which I hate.
Anon
I agree about sticking with the Nespresso being a good option. If you want something no-fuss you can stick in a cabinet I’d get an aeropress. The Ninja machine seems bulky to me but I am a minimalist.
Senior Attorney
It’s expensive but I love my DeLonghi Magnifica. And no pods!
https://www.amazon.com/DeLonghi-ESAM3300-Magnifica-Super-Automatic-Espresso/dp/B000N2YKQ0/ref=asc_df_B000N2YKQ0/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167144008776&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10078799770677973230&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031114&hvtargid=pla-316095657057&psc=1
Nan
I love our Ninja!
KT
We had that ninja for a while, and despite wiping it down every day and following the cleaning instructions with white vinegar every 3-6 months, the water tank grew mold on the bottom (inside and outside of the glass). I used it every day, so its not like it sat or wasn’t cleaned for a while. (You can also google this, there are lots of reviews at macys and amazon that confirmed people had the same issue, and ninja would only replace the glass water holder, no other parts). Also, the “intense” option doesn’t really come out like espresso. I would find another all in one like what senior attorney suggested.
SF
we use a grinder and a pour-over cone. If you’re just making one cup, it can’t be beat.
Anon
It’s admittedly a bit of a splurge, but we purchased a Breville barista express espresso machine (with built-in grinder) and have been absolutely enamored with it ever since. We still use an electric kettle to boil water (as opposed to using the hot water on demand feature included in our machine), but I find that having the option to do americanos/lattes whenever I want is fantastic. I still have a few other coffee-making options (french press, pour over, and aero press), but have found myself reaching for them less and less. YMMV, but midway through the search for the *perfect* coffee maker, we realized that we just prefer espresso drinks to brewed coffee (and really wanted a milk steamer, not frother!). I think our model runs about 500-600, depending on sales and whatnot. Highly recommended!
Anon
Do you go to a dermatologist for general skincare? I don’t have any actual skin-related problems and I’m not at a stage where I think I need any Botox or anything (although I’m not opposed to it in sort of a minimalist way in the future). Is it silly or overkill to start seeing a dermatologist just to make sure I’m doing the best I can for my skin?
Cat
Not silly! I go once every year just for a skin check — moles staying the same size, no other suspicious spots, etc.
Z
I go every couple months to get pimples extracted and a chemical peel.
Anon
Yes! I go for a skin cancer check every year and would go to her if I had anything skin related come up. She treated me for adult acne for years , which thankfully is no longer a problem, so she still prescribes me goodies like Retin-A when I go see her. And also, I raid her non-rx sample cabinet for travel sizes of skincare products.
Angela
I go for a skin cancer check every 6 months because I was flagged by my GP as high-risk.
anon
I do a skin cancer check once a year, and also go for problems that feel over the ability level of an esthetician. But if what you’re actually looking to do is “level up” your skin care game, I’d find a skilled specialist esthetician in your area. Try a couple until you land on one who seems truly knowledgeable and isn’t just providing a “relaxing facial” service.
anon
I go once a year primarily for skincare purposes. In my mid-20s it was mostly about mild adult acne (ugh) but has morphed into an anti-aging focus more recently. If your insurance covers it, there’s no reason not to go.
pugsnbourbon
Same as some others, I started seeing one for acne and now we do an annual visit where we refill my prescriptions and do a skin check. Despite being very pale and having had several bad sunburns as a child, my moles are all still looking good.
Best Backpacks
Recs for backpacks for commuting and travel? I like the look of Everlane Modern Snap Backpack but seems they are sold out. I’d like something waterproof, understated, can go with business formal or casual, very light (I have back issues), and will fit a 15 inch laptop.
Best Backpacks
https://www.everlane.com/products/mens-modern-snap-backpack-navy
Cb
I like my Timbuk2 laptop backpack. It’s not super formal but it’s amazing as a laptop bag.
Anon
FWIW, I have that Everlane backpack, and it is not waterproof. The fabric is also a huge lint magnet, so it always looks a bit dirty. I love the shape of the bag and am planning on buying the nylon version at some point.
Anon
I recently got this to use in lieu of a purse for business travel/conferences, and I absolutely love it: https://www.thenorthface.com/shop/womens-isabella-backpack-nf0a3ky9?variationId=F0Y#hero=0
I have the Sequoia Red. It is actually pretty. I like the padded back panel & the sternum straps for back support. It is very light. It fits my fairly large lap top easily. I’m not sure about the waterproof-ness of it, but it does say it was made to “withstand the elements”, & I would trust a brand like North Face to at least use some sort of resistant material? Maybe you could ask their customer service if that part is important.
The hardware on mine is Rose Gold which I also love, although I’m noticing that’s oddly not how it’s pictured.
NY CPA
I have had both a Victorinox and Tumi nylon backpacks. I’ve liked both, and they fit the parameters you’ve specified. L!nks to follow.
NY CPA
Tumi: https://www.tumi.com/p/carson-backpack-01099631041/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=&utm_term=&cid=ps-google—-c-s-405389070472&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI64mo_uGX5wIVCr3ACh3F-wObEAQYBCABEgLLl_D_BwE
NY CPA
I cant find the exact Victorinox backpack I used to have but this looks similar: https://www.swissarmy.com/us/en/Products/Travel-Gear/Backpacks–Messengers/Victoria-2-0-Deluxe-Business-Backpack/p/606822
Anjie
I can second the Timbuk2 backpack – get it in darker colors and it should look acceptable. The outer parts may not be waterproof, but the interior lining on mine is, and I’ve never had issues with stuff inside getting wet. I don’t have back issues, but I have other joint problems, and the Timbuk2 backpack doesn’t cause any trouble.
Anonymous
This is a never ending gripe for me. I cannot understand why partners read the first page or two of a very lengthy brief and then provide comments like – we need to include an analysis of X minor point. Me: Oh should that be in the introduction? Him: No just make sure it’s in there. Me: Ok cool that’s already on page 20 thanks for playing. Maybe read the brief and then provide comments. Also you’ve been sitting on this thing for a week why have you only read 2 pages???
I will say – over the years this has made me a much better lawyer because I figure busy judges are no more likely to read past page 2 than busy partners. But it is soooo frustrating. This is for your client who is paying you a lot of money maybe you should care!
Angela
I mean…
“Make sure X issue is covered,”
“It is, starting in section (c) on page 20. Please let me know if you think it should be moved up or have any other comments.”
Your job is, in part, to make the partner’s job easier. Answering the specific question he or she wants answered (Is X issue covered in this brief) rather than them having to read the entire thing themselves to find out is part of your value-add. If the partner had time to write/read/synthesize the entire brief themselves, there would be nothing for you to do and you’d be out of a job.
anon
This. I did not understand this until I got too busy to work as I’d like and was forced to delegate. The training ground is tough.
anon
+1000 I remember being annoyed by this type of stuff when I was more junior but now I do it all the time. Your job is absolutely to make the senior people’s job’s easier. Of course the partner can check this/do this him or herself and he or she would probably do a much better job but then there would be no need for you.
Something that took me a while to figure out is that practicing law is not school. You’re assignments are not “graded”. Success is measured by results and more importantly client satisfaction. Whether or not you were “right” tends to not matter very much. When I stopped viewing comments like this as questioning whether I did a good job or not, I started liking my job a lot more.
Angela
Amen! What I didn’t realize as a junior lawyer is that when a partner makes changes to your work or asks a question you don’t know the answer to, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something “wrong” or screwed up. Junior lawyers by definition often don’t know what they’re doing. The partners do. Thus, if they tell you to change something or add something, do it, note it for next time, and move on. Don’t get defensive or self-flagellating.
Anon
A partner told me she approached it this way– She read the first few pages– if it looked like good work product and she trusted the associate, she would just ask if a few points were covered to save time. If it looked like the associate had missed the point, she would read through the whole brief and provide feedback (very negative feedback).
Anon
Wow, I can’t imagine any big law partner at my firm submitting a brief with their name without reading the whole thing.
Anon2
Agreed. I’m not in litigation anymore, but the partners I used to work with always read the whole thing. Maybe delegate to the local counsel partner on a letter brief.
anon
I’m a consultant not a lawyer, to be fair. I find myself doing more of this the busier and more senior I get. Sometimes I’ll say “make sure X is in there” not as a commentary of their work, but just a reminder in case they didn’t think of it. A lot of times they have and I know that maybe the case. Also sometimes I really don’t have a choice but to trust a senior associate. If they’ve done great work in the past consistently and I generally know what to expect and I’m super pressed for time, yeah I won’t have read ever word before it goes to a client. I hate it, but I sometimes can’t do better.
Bachelorette Help
I’m planning a bachelorette as MOH to my college bff. We’re 35 now, she’s a doctor and is getting married for the first time. The group she wants invited is eclectic. Three college friends and about 6-7 others from various phases of bride’s life – med school, residency, etc, none of whom I know personally. I think the final headcount will be 10.
Because of the timing of her job rotations, it has to be in August. She wants to drink and dance, a beach and/or pool. I could see lounging at a rental house, doing a spa day, dancing to a cover band at night kind of thing, We’re coming from Boston and Baltimore/DC mostly.
Suggestions for places that are not in the path of hurricanes that could meet the bride’s criteria? Vegas, NYC, upstate NY and Nashville have been vetoed by the bride. We’d love Charleston or Savannah but not sure if we want to roll the hurricane dice. Ideas, please! TIA.
anon8
What about South Beach? I don’t think August is prime hurricane season yet.
anon
August may not be “prime” hurricane season, but Hurricane Charley hit on August 13, 2004, and Hurricane Andrew hit on August 24, 1992. Granted, that’s less than once a decade. On the other hand, warmer oceans are moving hurricane season earlier.
Anonymous
August is not prime hurricane season in the SEUS (most bad storms are October-ish and maybe the risk goes up starting mid-September).
Folly Beach? Near Charleston, but more relaxed.
Anonymous
Late August/early September is prime hurricane season in the SEUS. I have stopped counting how many hurricane days we’ve had during the first week of school.
Anon
The bride sounds high maintenance. Ask her where she wants to go. She can’t just be veto-ing all of your ideas without offering any of her own.
Anon
+1 You’re a saint for organizing this, it sounds like a nightmare.
Anonymous
+1
anon
Newport, RI?
Anonymous
I love Newport but it’s a pain to get to unless you are driving. If there were enough Boston people to pick up the non-Boston people at Logan airport and then everyone can caravan down to Newport, it could work well! Or pick them up at Green airport in Providence if they can get direct flights.
I don’t think you want to deal with flying to Boston + car rental + drive to Newport for a bach weekend.
Z
Cape Cod? I had a great time over labor day weekend my bff in Hyannis and Provincetown.
Anon
Portland, ME?
Never too many shoes...
NOLA? Montego Bay? Miami?
lydia
Miami would be great!! I’d go with this
HumidiTea
Miami in August would also be quite affordable…
Anonymous
Martha’s Vineyard, Atlantic City, Ocean City (either NJ or MD), Dewey or Rehoboth?
Anon
I was thinking along these lines.
theguvnah
agreed, with AC being the leader. Just cheesy enough to be ironic but stay at the Borgata and you’ve got great restaurants, clubs, pools, and maybe concerts.
theguvnah
flagging the OC, NJ is a dry town so you’d have to drive to get to clubs and bars or go dancing, and Uber is pretty limited there.
anne-on
I’d look at the Delaware beaches, Long Beach Island NJ, or Cape Cod/Martha’s Vineyard if you’re firm on a beach. South is definitely a hurricane risk in August and it is just so stinking hot and humid in the south in August.
FWIW we rent in Long Beach Island/Martha’s Vineyard frequently at the end of August (there are no camps to be had for love or money at that time) and the houses are almost all booked solid by the end of February, so I’d finalize ASAP.
Anon
+1 to the hot and humid. Doing any trip to the SEUS in August sounds miserable (and I live in the SEUS), especially for the Boston people.
Anne
Portland Maine. DC people have a short direct flight and Boston people can just drive.
NYCer
My vote is for Bermuda. It is a super easy flight from the east coast, and has many more hotel options than Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard (which would be my other two suggestions). I am not sure about the dancing / going out scene, but I am sure you could find something fun for the evening.
Anonymous
I really like this dress. Sadly, the regular is only 35″ long. I so appreciate when retailers post measurements so I don’t have to bother with something that I know will be way too short for 5’8 me.
Housecounsel
UGH that is too short for me even at 5’6″.
CecilyC
Zappos lists the length at 38.” Where do you see 35?
Freezer meals
I often hear people talk about cooking and freezing meals ahead of time to have things available when short on time. Since I was out of town this weekend, I tried that and the dish just turned out horrible tasting after it thawed. Any recommendations on vegetarian dishes that freeze well? Or any other recommendations on how to freeze food better?
anon8
The blog Pinch of Yum has some posts on freezer meals.
I find freezing stuff like chili and soups work best.
Housecounsel
How about a pilaf sort of thing with butternut squash and farro?
anon
if the OP is fussy about texture of frozen-reheated foods, rice may be risky. It could be that something went wrong with the recipe, of course, but some people are more picky about texture and that makes freezer cooking a little more difficult. Often, starchy things like rice or potatoes are the worst offenders. Precooking pasta sauce and reheating them while cooking fresh spaghetti would be a solution.
Vicky Austin
I read the Test Kitchen Make Ahead Cookbook via my library and it taught me loads about what to freeze and how to freeze it.
Anon
I’ve had luck with butternut squash risotto, and various bean dishes with tomato or cheese sauces. Also lentil soup, but not soups that have a lot of vegetables. I also make and freeze tomato sauce for pasta — simple but I like mine better than the kind of the jar.
Ribena
Pasta bakes – I made the ‘storecupboard pasta bake’ from the Green Roasting Tin cookbook and it has frozen and thawed really well for lunches – it had pasta, tomatoes, jarred roasted red peppers, blue cheese, and tinned cannellini beans in it. I tend to take it out of my freezer in the morning, pop it in an insulated lunch bag, and then microwave from frozen (or nearly frozen) at lunchtime.
Anonymous
I’m not that picky about texture, but I have had success freezing all manner of soups/stews, as well as casserole-type things (e.g. lasagna) and egg-based dishes like strata/crustless quiche.
Anon
Curries, lentil soup, lasagna all freeze well
Anon
I put a piece of plastic wrap directly over the food in the container I’m freezing it in so air doesn’t touch the food. It prevents freezer burn. Otherwise, make soups and stuff that freezes well and lower your standards a bit for how it will taste/feel when reheated.
Anon.
Soups, quiches and egg bakes are my go-to freezer meals.
Coach Laura
Or prep the meal but don’t cook it all the way. As said above, Pinch of Yum has freezer meals but everything is just assembled raw and frozen and then cooked. You thaw and then cook in slow cooker or stove-top or don’t thaw and cook directly in an instant pot. I can’t tell any difference.
The Original ...
Thoughts in the NYT article about choosing a guardian for your kid(s)? Have y’all done that? Have you been asked to be for someone?
Link to follow via comment
The Original ...
https://parenting.nytimes.com/relationships/legal-guardian?module=editors-picks&action=click®ion=1
The Original ...
The site is apparently blocking the ability to post a link… article title is “Have You Named a Legal Guardian for Your Kids?” in today’s NYT
Cb
We agonized about this – I’m an only, my husband’s brother and sister are much older, my parents are in the US. We chose my husband’s second cousin, which feels like a tangential connection but they are lovely, with kids a bit older than our son, and would definitely work hard to maintain relationships with all the grandparents.
Anon
Our guardians are my parents. They visit us tons and my daughter knows them very well, and if anything happens to us, they’ll move to our city so our daughter can stay in the same house and school. If they become too old or disabled, I guess we’ll ask my BFF. But she lives across the country and I’d hate for my kid to be uprooted like that after losing her parents.
Anon
We chose my sister, who lives close by. She was very practical about it when she chose her own guardian for her kids (us). She’s a nurse and is matter of fact, sometimes to a flaw, about otherwise emotional things. She said, “look, plan A is for you to not die. Plan B is for him to not die. Plan C is for me to have guardianship” and then she commented on the odds of A and B both occurring, which are quite low. We picked her, we literally sign the paperwork tomorrow, and we’re never going to think about it again.
anon
I am an estate planning attorney and see this agonized over routinely–which I sympathize with–it’s a big decision! It is also relatively unlikely to happen. Please just get something put in place–I know it’s hard and morbid, but it is so worth doing. Don’t discount the idea of using friends. It seems like a burden (and it is, for sure) but in the aftermath of a tragic situation, I think many people in your community would be happy to step up. Keep in mind that you are looking largely for emotional and logistical care. The financial support should be coming from your assets or life insurance. I discourage people from using their parents, though not strongly. I do insist on back ups if that is what they choose. Anon at 10:43 is on the right path! The odds are low, it is important to just choose, and then move on. If you have horrible second thoughts, you can change it anytime.
Anon
+1to all of this. I am an attorney (albeit not an estate planning attorney) and it makes me cringe that so many of my educated friends who can afford to do this haven’t, particularly because they ALL have at least one crazy sibling and/or set of grandparents who would ruin their children if they got custody and who would totally go to war to try to get custody. They use this as the reason they haven’t done so and I want to scream that this is WHY you do it. Pick someone. Literally any sane person who has a relationship with your kid so if you God forbid die your insane mother doesn’t get your kid after he already lost his parents.
AnonInHouse
We chose my sister and BIL as guardians, but they didn’t choose me and my husband as guardians for their kids. Now that I think about it, I should be insulted! (Only joking; they had good reasons!)
Parental Guidance
So one thing my husband and I did with the lawyer’s suggestion was name the guardians from my side of the family, but then the trust/financial managers be from the other side of the family, or a good friend, for example. Ideally this would keep the families talking together and make sure different parts of the family continue to be represented in the children’s lives. Just a suggestion.
Anon
We did this. Our parents are our son’s guardians; they have a close and wonderful relationship with him and are in good health (and are only late 60s while he’s early teens, so I think they’ll be around for awhile). However, based on some of their financial choices we named my best friend as the administrator of the trust he would inherit if my husband and I both passed away. She’s incredibly levelheaded and responsible and will make sure he goes to college (and has the money to pay for it), has money for things like travel but not things like sports cars, etc. We have the trust tiered (not sure if that’s the right word, IANAL) so separate from the money he’ll need for living expenses before he turns 18, he gets a certain amount at 18 that is supposed to be for education, another amount at 25 and the last of it at 30. This was important because if we both die in an accident or something the total estate, with assets, insurance, etc. will be well over $2 million. The last thing I wanted to do was hand an 18-year-old $2 million.
There was an article on Sports Illustrated not too long ago about a college football broadcaster who was killed, along with his wife, in a drunk-driving accident. They were careful and specified in their will that custody of their children should go to their closest friends. Only one child was still under 18 but the friends are helping the 20-year-old out with life decisions and such. It was so, so lucky that the parents planned ahead. If you are putting off making this call, please go read that article; it’s a good reinforcement that doing this is tough but important.
anon
This is what we did – there is a trustee from each side of the family. Originally we named my parents as guardian, but they are getting older, so now it’s my SIL (who lives down the street and would literally just move into the house with her family). The trustee from DH’s side would not be her (unless a couple of people passed away first). The trustees control the money until they are 27, and then it’s released over the next 5-6 years.
Anonymous
Can’t read the article (paywall), but we are third-in-line guardians for our friends’ kids, after their mothers (except one mother is very old and the other is very sick, so practically speaking, we’re probably first-in-line). We thought about it for a while when they asked us, but ultimately agreed–the mom is an only child, and we are closer to their kids than the dad’s siblings, who don’t live in town. It helps that we know they have the means and have set up trusts such that money wouldn’t really be a huge concern if something did happen.
Anon
I chose my one sane, financially secure sister. My husband has no one in his family we would be comfortable naming. Our backup is one of my good friends who lives one town over. They both agreed, knowing that my kids would come with a minimum of $1mm each due to term life insurance. I’m not sure my friend would have been able to say yes otherwise due to his finances. (He’s not poor, but has his own kids to support.)
My actual wishes, which I’ve spoken to both of them about, would be for my out of state sister to become their guardian, but if they were close to finishing high school, they could live with my friend nearby until they go to college.
Fortunately! My oldest child is about to turn nineteen and is in college, and my younger is 17 and a year and a half away from finishing high school. I’m so relieved that this is no longer really an issue! But it gave me great peace of mind to know it was all planned out, especially those couple of times when I had serious health scares.
Belle Boyd
Is it ever okay to wear pants to an interview? Or an “unmatched” jacket/pants? My friend pulled some strings with her company and says I have an excellent chance at getting a call for an interview next week. It’s a business casual atmosphere, the job would be doing background research for pending litigation with an insurance company.
Here’s my issue. I shattered all the bones in my wrist in a car accident. I’m still in the recovery stages, had a second surgery in November and am now going to therapy. I do not have full use of my hand and wrist, so putting on any kind of tights or hose is pretty much out of the question right now, and given that it’s currently 13 degrees outside, I’m not doing bare legs (bare legs isn’t a look I’d consider for professional purposes at any time of the year — my legs look awful.) That said, a skirt is just not going to work for me. Can I wear pants?
Also, I have to wear a pretty bulky brace. I can fit it over a thin (VERY thin) sleeve, but not too many of my suit jacket sleeves will fit under it, nor will they fit over it. I do have a jacket that has zippers at the cuffs (they’re very subtle, trust me, they’re not as scary as they sound and the jacket is in a muted color and very conservative otherwise.) If I unzip the cuff, I can fit it over my brace. There is a fabric insert when the cuff is unzipped that makes it not completely noticeable (though it is noticeable, but given the brace, I’m hoping it’s forgivable.) Can I get away with this, or does anyone have any suggestions for what I might be able to wear?
Anon
It’s 2020. Yes you can wear pants.
Housecounsel
You can wear a pantsuit with or without a medical reason for it!
Anonymous
You can get away with a pantsuit regardless of the reason. As for the non-matching blazer, I think the fact that you’re wearing a brace will be more than enough of an explanation for that.
anon
You can wear pants. It sounds like the zipper jacket would work, but I also think you can just carry a blazer over one arm and say to your interviewer, I hope you don’t mind that I don’t put on my jacket, I broke my arm and it is not fitting over my brace. Not strictly necessary, but it shows you know interview etiquette, and any sane interviewer would say, of course, no problem!
anon
Pantsuit is 100% fine. The jacket, if you have one that fits over the brace and is conservative, I’d do that. I don’t love anon at 11:11’s suggestion, it seems irrational somehow…if you can’t fit the jacket over the brace then why did you bring it? But may not come off that way–I could be the one in the wrong here!
I’d go more with getting a pulled together, boring, conservative look that works with your current disability. I went to interviews on a scooter (pants suit and flats) b/c I had a broken ankle. Not ideal (to me) but it turned out fine and I never felt underdressed.
FFS
Agree that pants are absolutely fine and as an interviewer, I would think it was really weird that you brought a jacket you couldn’t wear. Wear the zipper jacket if you want, but I think you’ll get a pass if you skip the jacket this time.
Senior Attorney
I think zipper jacket is more than fine, as are pants.
If you have time, maybe see if your tailor can temporarily take out the sleeve seam on one of your other jackets? I’ve seen people do that with pants for an ankle brace.
Anon
Why would it be inappropriate to wear a suit with pants?!?!!??
Anon
LOL what? You’d better wear *something* to cover your bum and legs. Pants are what most people choose, although certainly not mandatory. Also the zipper jacket sounds fine even if you weren’t injured.
Anonymous
If it’s business casual, you can get away with an unmatched pants/jacket combo. In fact, it’s possible that a fully coordinating suit would be too much if they are truly business casual. It’s certainly a good idea to assess the culture through your friend, though.
Seventh Sister
My husband had a really bad broken arm a few months ago, and you have my sympathy re: clothing. I’d wear the pants and jacket. I barely notice what people wear to interviews, unless it’s super nice or super awful. Your outfit sounds like it’s right the middle.
Kids and cleaners and cleaning responsibilities
I love my cleaners. I have used them for monthly deep-cleans since my kids were little (doing everything else ourselves).
I have wanted to go to biweekly, but a concern I have is that my kids may grow to see cleaning as the cleaners’ jobs and not as their jobs. I’d like my kids to get used to the idea of cleaning their bathrooms, vacuuming, swiffering, tidying up, cleaning the kitchen after cooking, etc. The basics of daily life.
[Part of this is precurssor to having a dog: I have bad allergies and my allergist recommends vacuuming 3x/week (which made my husband chortle). If they kids won’t keep a dog-free house clean, I can’t see getting a dog being anything but a chore for me (instead of an opportunity for family growth, where you put in more effort and get good things out of it).]
Housecounsel
Your concern is warranted. I’ve had a weekly cleaning lady since my kids were born. Only one of the three seems to have gotten the idea of cleaning up after herself. Another got fined last semester because her dorm room was a mess, leading to roommate issues entirely her own fault. I made her work to pay the entire fine and I hope she has learned a lesson. I still have time with the youngest. I have more bandwidth now that she is the only kid at home, and I spend a lot of time on her case to make sure she cleans up after herself. I need to do better and I am, but I am not getting rid of my weekly cleaning.
I
mascot
We have weekly cleaning (family of 3 with school age child and 2 dogs). Kid responsibilities still include picking up around the house, putting away clothes, helping with meals and clean-up, some yard work, and other random assigned tasks as needed. If a room isn’t straightened up enough to be cleaned, it gets skipped and/or cleaned by a family member. The actual cleaning is the job that we hire our housekeeper to do and having weekly cleaning means that we don’t have to do much cleaning in between visits. If we were doing biweekly, we would have to do more involved cleaning between visits I think you can outsource and still teach your kid basic life skills and to assume certain responsibilities.
anon
Can you pick and choose what your cleaners do? Or which areas of the house they target? Maybe only have them clean the bathrooms once a month? Tidying, swiffering, and cleaning the kitchen will still need to happen with biweekly (or even weekly) cleanings.
If you have severe allergies and need frequent vacuuming, I’d also look at a Roomba–don’t cheap out! mine is nearly impractical to use because it doesn’t map so takes FOREVER and since I work from home I notice. The swiffering will likely be just as important as vacuuming, FYI, but most Roombas deal well with hard floors and carpets alike…even mine ;).
anon
I read that roomba is working on a mopping robot, so fingers crossed!
Anon
There is one!
Anonymous
My parents hired someone to clean the house twice a month when my mom got a job that required extensive travel. I was told in no uncertain terms that the cleaner would not be touching my spaces – those were my sole responsibility. Also, if we were having people over in an off week, it was my job to clean the bathrooms and dust/vacuum before guests arrived.
Anon as this is shameful.
Your concern is valid. We always had a cleaning service growing up and I’m terrible at keeping my flat clean. It’s not that I don’t see it as ‘my job’, it’s that I don’t have a perception of how often I should be doing things or even how to properly clean stuff.
anon
on the other hand, I am still learning to be tidy, over a decade after moving out. My parents never had cleaners, I had weekly, hated chores, but I didn’t build useful habits until much later. At least with a cleaner, you could observe how it’s done effectively.
Anon
I worry about the same thing. Single parent with a 4 year old. I have a bi-weekly cleaner (an individual, not a service) and I strictly enforce my kid cleaning up after herself in an age-appropriate way — she picks up her toys every evening, wipes down tables and counters, puts things in the garbage. I don’t have the bandwidth to stop the cleaning service so she can see me scrubbing the tub, so I’m not sure what to do.
Anon
My attitude is that it wouldn’t be fair to make my child scrub toilets, when she doesn’t see me scrubbing toilets. That seems hypocritical and I feel like would just lead to a kid rebelling (“You don’t do this, why do I have to!?”) That said, I’m not a maid, and kids make plenty of daily messes that they should be cleaning up. Unless you have a daily housekeeper, there will be plenty for your kids to clean up. Already at 2, my kid is learning to put her toys away and take her dishes to the sink at school, so we’ve started having her do the same things at home. Some days it doesn’t happen because we’re in a rush, but more days than not now, she picks all her toys up and puts them away (with our help/guidance). As she gets older we plan to add in additional tidying up responsibilities, as well as other chores like pet care, packing lunch, etc.
Anon
I mean…that’s a perk of being the parent. You also don’t have to do homework but she does. I don’t understand that lesson – your child is not a roommate, they need to be taught to be contributing member of the family unit and you are doing them a disservice by not teaching them how to do certain chores. I’ve seen way too many adults handicapped by lack of knowledge on basic “how to keep myself alive and functioning” stuff. Your kid should be doing certain chores in between the cleaners, as should you. Use a chore chart or something so she can see that everyone is contributing to a clean space, but as the parent you get to decide that you are doing fewer chores because you work all day and have to take care of kid.
Anon
Did you read what I wrote at all? She will have chores. She will tidy up between the cleaners. She will be responsible for keeping her own room clean. I never said she won’t do any cleaning. I said she won’t be scrubbing toilets, which I don’t do either. She is 2 years old and has far more “chores” than most toddlers I know, even those who don’t have cleaning services. She is and will be a contributing part of the family unit.
anne-on
With kids (and pets) if you cook regularly (or even if you don’t) there will be plenty of things for them to learn to clean. We have weekly cleaners and I still have to wipe down counters after every meal/clean the stove/wash dishes that are hand-wash only, vacuum up after the dog that is shedding like a maniac, deep clean the showers 2x/year, clean up spills on sofas/rugs/etc. etc. etc. They will get the practice if you let them unless you have magical cleaners who do things like wash your window wells/clean and deodorize your fridge/clean your sofa cushions/etc. etc.
I grew up with weekly cleaners and it was drilled into us that the cleaners worked for the adults, not us. If we didn’t tidy up our rooms/toys so that the cleaners could clean, we’d be doing it on our own, to my mother’s very discerning standards. And we also still learned to clean up after cooking/do the deep cleaning.
Anonymous
OP here: that is what has been good re monthly — the kids see me scrubbing toilets. The professionals may do it better (or thoroughly vs spotcleaning), but if someone has a stomach or GI bug, that toilet cannot go unscrubbed! Even the rings bother me (and rings seem to come sooner than the cleaners come back).
Also: they have gone from helping strip their beds to also helping to remake them (at some point they will be solo, but it is easier to do fitted sheets with a helper, which I enlist my husband to do when I re-sheet any Q bed).
anon
Tell her that you pay the cleaning service your money that you work for. It’ll be a fun lesson in capitalism and time management. But more importantly, I think Anon at 12:00 is right about daily cleaning tasks. I think that the pattern, habit, and work ethic of maintaining a home is the key thing kids need to learn (this is something that wasn’t really emphasized in my house growing up–and we did not have a cleaning service–and is something I struggled with as an adult)– they’ll connect the dots that scrubbing toilets is a part of that and learn how to do it.
anon
Meh – we had a cleaning service when I was a kid. It was clear that the cleaning service was for my parents convenience and not mine. That was actually a huge motivating factor for me later in life to earn enough money that I could also outsource cleaning. The cleaning service did not clean my room or bathroom (that was entirely my job) despite the fact that my parents did not “have to” clean toilets. I didn’t rebel over this, it was just one of many things that I had to do that my parents did not. Also, general cleanliness and tidying are more daily habits so as even if a cleaning service is doing all the deep cleaning, kids can still learn to pick up after themselves. Dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, things need to be put away far more frequently than any cleaning service.
ElisaR
oh man, i totally see what you’re saying. i just upped my cleaners to weekly. now i’ve got another thing to worry about in terms of kids’ perception! thank you? (i’m joking….you raise a good point)
Just my two sense
Don’t get a dog and really cleaning is horrible and kids will learn to do it.
Anon
We definitely didn’t have a cleaning service when I was a kid and I also went through a very messy/refuse to clean up after myself stage. So I don’t know that you’re certain to avoid that even if you nix the cleaners. (FWIW I did grow out of it quickly once I left home.)
Em
I grew up with a professional cleaning service doing weekly cleanings and I know how to clean and am an extremely tidy/organized person. We always had to “clean before the cleaners” so no one was ever picking up after us and my mom was a clean freak so we regularly cleaned during the times they weren’t there (wiped down the bathrooms, vacuumed, wipe the kitchen counters, etc.). We have a cleaning service that comes bi-weekly but we have 4 dogs, so we regularly dust, vacuum, and wipe down the kitchen during the off-week. My 4-year-old knows that people come and clean our house and I make sure to talk to him about how grateful we are for the work they do and he sees me leave out the tip for them as a “thank you for the good job they do cleaning our house”. He also sees us dusting/mopping/vacuuming and is expected to pick up after himself, so I’m not concerned about him growing up not knowing how to clean or thinking someone is going to pick up after him.
Worry About Yourself
I dunno if this is definitely gonna be an issue. My mom had cleaners come when I was growing up, but we still did cleaning chores on the weekends, especially if we were having guests over, and my mom gave my tasks to do – usually putting away my clutter in the living room and getting my stuff off the bathroom counter, sometimes I needed to do the toilet, bathroom floor, counter, mirror, etc. as well. And the cleaners didn’t come in my room, I was responsible for tidying, vaccuming, and dusting my own space.
My advice would be to keep giving your kids chores to do, and communicate an expectation of how clean you’d like the house to be in general. Emphasize that the cleaners are there to deep clean, but the general cleanliness of the house is everyone’s responsibility. If they ever whine “awww moooom, why do I have to do that? don’t we have cleaners for that??” you can straighten them out. And remind them there won’t be a cleaning service in college, and their roommates will hate them if they never clean.
Anon
We have a biweekly cleaner but I have picky standards and so we end up doing housecleaning between visits. My son is responsible for cleaning his bathroom the week the cleaner doesn’t come (with the toilet brush and the Comet and everything) and before he has friends over to spend the night. He also has to do kitchen cleanup after dinner once a week, and unloads the dishwasher and takes out the trash whenever it needs doing (part of his chores to get his allowance). We also routinely will have visitors between housekeeping visits and so we all have to pitch in and vacuum, dust, etc. My son also does his own laundry and changes his own sheets on the week that the cleaners don’t come. He’s 14 and we’ll level up the responsibilities as he gets older. You can absolutely have the biweekly housecleaning and still teach your kids about cleaning – you just have to be intentional about it.
The Original ...
The WaPo “Which of these 2020 Democrats agrees with you most?” quiz is out now… It’s definitely interesting to see where values lie compared to which candidate you like most (or for republicans, which ones you dislike least)!
I was not surprised at the top 2 of my results but was surprised that the person I thought I’d also be okay with is someone I had very few similarities with!
Were you surprised by your results?
Housecounsel
I was and found it to be a useful exercise. My top two were ones I hadn’t really educated myself about. I figured out that the front runners or at least the ones getting the most attention are way left of me. Doesn’t matter. Whoever is the nominee is getting my vote.
Anon
What is the purpose of Question 8, since all the Democratic candidates agree on that answer? Seems like a weird thing to include in a quiz that’s supposed to distinguish the candidates. Also, as I pointed out before, some candidates don’t have answers for all the questions and because the quiz matches you on # of answers (instead of % agreement), it’s hard to match with those candidates. I agreed with Amy Klobuchar on 13/16, so I think she was my highest agreement percentage-wise but it says Tom Steyer is my #1 because we matched on 15/20 questions, since he had an answer for all of them.
Anon
I hate it and think it gives misguided advice because not all candidates have an answer in all fields. So I could agree with the candidate on all the questions they have an answer for, and the quiz will still tell me somebody else is a better match for my values. Any quiz that has such fundamental errors is really suspect to me.
anon
I really like the overall concept, I am already familiar with it since it’s provided for any federal or state election in Germany for the last 10 or so years. I am surprised by some names in my top 5, and by the lower score of one of my favorites. But then again, I see that there are a bunch of 13s and 12s, so clearly I can be ok with a bunch of candidates.
Apart from Amy Klobuchar and Tulsi Gabbard (who I don’t take as a serious contender), the other candidates have at least 18 questions answered, so I think that’s a good enough basis. Although the ranking in the bottom should at least make an effort to reflect that surely a 12/18 agreement is stronger than 12/20? I don’t get the way candidates with the same score are ranked, it’s not alphabetic either. It should be expressed as a percentage.
Further room for improvement is in the length – 20 questions are very short, so we get a highly curated list of topics, but maybe I care a lot about military spending, education funding, campaign finance reform, wall street regulation, labor laws. Another feature I like in the German version of this is to be able to go back afterwards and assign double weight to topics that I care strongly about.
Horse Crazy
Can someone post the link? I can’t find it.
Anon
https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/politics/policy-2020/quiz-which-candidate-agrees-with-me/
Horse Crazy
Thank you!!
Anon
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this! I was confused and undecided, but based on this I now know who I’m voting for!
(I align the most with Bloomberg and second with Biden, I am voting for Bloomberg and failing that, my third alignment because I don’t think Biden can win against Trump.)
Anon
Favorite Sephora purchases? Just got a gift card but I don’t shop there often enough to have any real favorites yet.
Housecounsel
Amazing Grace and Fresh Lemon bath products are my Sephora favorites. I also like Nars eyeshadow and blush.
Anonome
The Sephora brand cuticle nippers are fantastic, sharp and precise as all hell. They go out of stock frequently, so I grab a couple at a time, since I magically lose nail care items like I’m cursed.
OP
Sephora brand liquid eyeliner! Only $12 and lasts ALL DAY
Anon
Not OP, obviously. Sorry!
Anon
Dr Jart Premium BB cream
JTM
Tatcha skincare
Fenty foundation/primer/powder
Sephora eyeliner
NOLA
First, wanted to give a shoutout to whomever pointed me to the online Coach outlet last week. Not sure if I should thank or curse you, but the Varick pumps were only $100 and they are absolutely gorgeous and fit me perfectly.
Second, big stuff going on! I met with a surgeon yesterday about skin removal after weight loss. I knew nothing about it, so I had no idea if it would be covered by health insurance. It looks like it will be, but I will hear in the next couple of weeks. I really like the surgeon I met with and he’s very reasonable and reassuring about the whole thing. I had medical photography done yesterday to help with the insurance justification. If all goes well, I will have the surgery in May after commencement. It will be a 2-3 week recovery. I have a lot to think about, but it’s exciting to even start exploring it!
Housecounsel
That was me . . . happy to help!
Best of luck with the surgery!
NOLA
Yay! Those pumps are so beautiful. I didn’t think I would find them in black in my size.
Senior Attorney
Good luck! But as somebody who has gone through it, let me urge you to double the recovery estimate given by your doctor! I took a full month off and was glad to have every single day of it! (You know where to find me if you want to talk.)
NOLA
Yep! Already thought of that. Did you have skin removal or a tummy tuck? I don’t need a tummy tuck or lipo so the doctor says it will be easier. It will be intersession and the beginning of summer session so I will have time to recover. I just have to figure out if I will go stay with a friend afterward or have someone stay with me. I have a research project to work on that I was going to do in July, so it may be good timing, depending on how drugged I might be.
Senior Attorney
I had tummy tuck and it was gruesome. Maybe plain skin removal will be easier.
If you have a surgical aftercare service where you are, I can’t recommend it enough. I used it and it was fabulous. Ask your doc if he/she knows about anything like that. Failing that, I would have someone come and stay with you at your home rather than stay in someone else’s home.
NOLA
Tummy tuck apparently is deeper and involves the muscles underlying and is a much more invasive surgery. I’m only having skin removal. I may not have a beautifully flat stomach but at least I will have no skin hanging from my abdomen. I figure I can work on tightening the muscles once the skin is gone.
I stayed with a friend who is on one level after my knee surgery. She took great care of me and I didn’t have to navigate the stairs. If I do that, I would have to have someone else kitty sit, but my guy might do that anyway. My only bathroom is upstairs and my kitchen is downstairs, so probably the only way I could do it is to have a small fridge upstairs. I will look into surgical aftercare. My best friend’s daughter is a nurse at the hospital where I will be having the surgery so she may be able to recommend something.
Senior Attorney
The aftercare services are expensive but totally worth it for the first night, at the very least.
Anon
Does anyone have the Uniqlo Blocktech rain jacket? Is it actually waterproof? If not– how much rain can it deal with?
Anon
Attorneys – does your firm have a binder/booklet that it hands out as a leave-behind with potential clients when doing pitches? If so, what does it look like? How’s it bound? What sorts of things are contained in it? Our marketing dept has asked for input, but I’ve never seen one other than ours, so I don’t know what to say.
Anonymous
One of my outside counsel firms had one. It was hard cover bound. Honestly, it was a bit much and I kind of laughed at it. I had already hired them, though, so that could be why I had that reaction. I have seen numerous firms with handouts in a file folder type thing with pockets. Others do spiral binding. None of it matters to be honest. I’ve never hired or not hired based on this. I would generally prefer less stuff to throw out. So the file folder type thing is optimal and easy to throw in a bag if I’m at an event.
Anonymous
you mean a pitchbook? they can be bound using the plastic spiral thing or those slides that slide over the enter stack of sheets to hold them together. They usually contain summaries of the firm’s strengths, bios, contact info, summary of accomplishments, preliminary legal advice, value add, etc. If you are pitching something specific, then you’ll want to include narratives perhaps on why you should be hired. They may be variations of PPT slides and may include your firm logo and the target client logo in them as well.
Anonymous
Last week I went in for my very first mammogram (age 42, no family history risk factors).
Drs office called and said they want me to come back for more screening on the one side. (More detailed pictures + an ultrasound). The nurse was trying to make it sound like its just a check because they don’t have prior years to baseline against — but I guess they saw something out of the ordinary
How worried should I be?
Anon
Not that worried. I don’t know why you assume they saw something out of the ordinary, and aren’t taking the nurse at her word. It’s very common to need a follow-up the first time so they have a more detailed picture of your baseline, particularly if you have fibrous breasts.
Anon
+1 if they saw something concerning, they would tell you. It sounds to me like they don’t have a clear image of that area. I would take them at their word.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think medical professionals throw the word cancer around carelessly, but in my experience they will tell you when they saw something they need to follow up on. I haven’t had a mammogram yet but my endocrinologist felt a thyroid nodule and sent me for an ultrasound immediately and he was very blunt about it – it might be benign, it might not be, but either way we need to get a clear picture of it ASAP and figure out whether we need to schedule a biopsy. (The radiologist was confident it was benign, so I didn’t even have to have a biopsy.)
Anonymous
Not very worried. They don’t have a baseline
had a c- scare once
Tell yourself zero worried because there is nothing you can do about it.
Tell a friend who has had chemo and a friend who has been open about big c-scares to either come with you or be supportive text friends the day you have to go in for the exam.
If you have a significant other, tell them now, you will feel better.
Every feeling you’re feeling is completely normal and ok. There is no “should” there is just “is”. You are okay.
Anonymous
Thank you for the sanity check…. I think I’m thrown off because they only want to look closer at one side and not both.
Regardless there is nothing to be done until I get the followup appts. Thankfully I am in a health system (US, with good insurance) that seems to move fairly quickly. I’m originally from Canada where these kind of appointments can easily be 3+ months apart (even if the Dr’s see something concerning)
Never too many shoes...
I am sure you are fine, OP.
Please do not generalize about the Canadian health system like that – that kind of talk gives fodder to the anti-health care fanatics in the US. I live in a huge city and have never heard of anyone waiting for a follow up appointment where there was any type of concern.
Anonymous
Well I’m glad that your experience has been different than that of my friends and family in BC.
My closest friend had a breast cancer scare in her 30s and was scheduled to wait 10 weeks for a biopsy.
Referrals to other kinds of specialists are commonly very far out. You will never go bankrupt for medical care in Canada & the critical stuff will always be taken care of eventually, but its absolutely not the same experience in the US.
Turnarounds in the US have so far been measured in days, not weeks/months.
My doctor is happy to do regular/routine blood tests & other kinds of preventive/wellness programs. I have been sent away many times in Canada when making similar requests.
Anon
We met someone on a cruise once who was from Thunder Bay, OT (so not a huge city, but not super m rural) and he told us he went to the US and paid out of pocket for a surgery because it was such a long wait in Canada. We have close friends from Toronto who now live in the US and have been really impressed by doctors in the US and how fast they have gotten follow up appointments when there was a concern.
I am liberal and want the US to have better health care, especially for people who cannot afford private insurance, but it’s not right wing propaganda to say healthcare in Canada is not perfect.
ElisaR
not worried – same thing happened to me and they concluded “you have dense breasts”. so now everytime i go they know i have that (i created a baseline w/ that first visit!)
Anon
Not worried. My bet is that they just didn’t get as clear a scan as needed. This is a huge risk with women in their early 40s because the bread tissue tends to be thicker, and is a big reason that some doctors are now recommending that women without a family history of other risk factors wait until they are 50.
Anonymous
Ultrasound better visualizes dense breast tissue conpared to MRI (women under 35 get breast ultrasounds). So U/S is to get a better look.
Annony
It’s easy to, but don’t freak out. Totally normal, and likely you have dense or fibrous breasts. Don’t worry.
And to the other anon, this happened to me my first time, I took the nurse at her word that they just wanted more pics for a baseline, was told during the follow up screen that they HAD seen something out of the ordinary and spent the rest of the time very frightened and anxious. Knowing what to honestly expect would have helped me prepare.
And of course, it was fine. I have dense breasts and get an mammo and an ultrasound.
Awful pattern
What an awful pattern on this dress.
ElisaR
i kind of love it
Anon
+1 I do too.
pugsnbourbon
I also love it. I might have to buy this for all the librarians I know.
Anon
What would you wear to a very nice restaurant whose website says their dress code is “smart casual?” I could do smart casual for work, but this will be a special dinner with my boyfriend and I’d rather look pretty/sexy than professional.
Anon
Anything you want to wear is fine. You’d look out of place in a ball gown and (depending on where you live) there might not be in many people in jeans (in SF you’d definitely see people in jeans, but maybe not in NYC). I would say most people would be in business casual or c-cktail attire.
Anonymous
In NYC you’d 100% see jeans.
ElisaR
yeah i’m in nyc and wrote the below comment about dark wash/no holes. you’d def see jeans!
ElisaR
i feel like they put that on there more for men. no shorts.(although even that rule seems a bit dated depending on geographic location) collared shirt. for you a cute dress or fun top – you will look great i’m sure! if you do jeans maybe a dark wash or no holes.
Anonymous
+! Do not wear cocktail attire. It’s simply phrasing to prevent guys from showing up in shorts and sneakers. Expect dress code of khaki and polo for guys. I’d wear a casual dress or black pants and a nice top. Could probably even do dark wash jeans if you’re more comfortable.
Anonymous
I usually do a jersey (faux) wrap dress, fun heels, and sparkly earrings.
Ellen
Wear a low cut black A-line mini dress with 4″ pumps and make sure your boyfriend sees that he has “room to operate” when you hop an UBER home with him, and afterward, ensure that he knows that in baseball language, he will be hitting it out of the ball park once he gets up to the plate! That is what my dad told me when he thought I’d be marrying Sheketovits. But aside from 1 or 2 times, Sheketovits seemed to be constantly fouling balls off before striking out. FOOEY!
SodaStream?
DH and (especially) I have become big seltzer water drinkers. I am concerned about the waste we are producing, as we go through several cans a day. We are considering springing for a SodaStream or a similar device in an effort to reduce waste. Any experiences? My main concern is that the bottles are not dishwasher safe, we don’t buy things that are handwash only.
Anon
I’ve looked into SodaStream several times, but have decided each time it just won’t work for us. Returning the CO2 canisters would be a pain for us (there’s no UPS drop-off convenient to our house – it’s another errand out of our usual way – and we don’t regularly go to Target or the other big box stores that stock them). If you’re good about recycling, aluminum cans can be infinitely recycled and go from your house back to the grocery store shelf with a new drink in 60 days.
Anon
I have one and I love it. Real game changer for me; I hated all the aluminum can or glass bottle waste my seltzer habit was creating. I don’t find the bottle hard to clean, especially if you’re not adding any flavoring directly to the bottle. I do think the end result is not quite as fizzy as commercial seltzer water, though, but I’m willing to make that trade off.
anon
I thought there were versions with a glass bottle out there. I would totally put a glass bottle in the dishwasher. We have the plastic version. If you always pour a glass/don’t drink out of the bottle, you also can go some time between washing the bottle since it only holds water.
Another noteworthy aspect is that the company SodaStream is operating on Israeli settlements, which you may or may not care about. Maybe there are other brands available where you are.
OP
Ohh did not know this about the Israeli settlements. Good to know.
Sara
Soda Stream is known to be one of the best examples of Palestinian and Israeli people working together at a company. We have a lot we can learn from the professional community they have built.
ehhh
We have one. If you are just using the bottles to carbonate (don’t mix a flavor in them) they don’t need intensive washing. our is 7 years old, no problems with it. We exchange the cartridges at a bed-bath-beyond or a hardware store that does it. We have 3 cartilages at this point so we turn it 1 or 2 at a time, and still have one in use.
Is it Friday yet?
I love mine. Also, they do make dishwasher safe bottles (link to follow).
Is it Friday yet?
https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/sodastream-reg-dishwasher-safe-2-pack-1-liter-carbonating-bottle-in-black/5329413?keyword=sodastream-bottle
Angela
I really disliked the Soda Stream. The soda it produced wasn’t as crisp and bubbly as the seltzer you get in cans — it basically tasted like flat La Croix, and the flavors are terrible. Plus they’re expensive, plus you have to replace the CO2 can? Ain’ nobody got time for that.
Anon
“the flavors are terrible”
You can use literally any kind of flavoring for Soda Streams. You can make your own even!
Blueberries
I love my SodaStream! Saves managing the constant flow of buying and recycling sparkling water. I also am a dishwasher devotee, but it’s no big deal to occasionally hand wash the bottle.
The local hardware store exchanges the CO2 canisters. I have 3 canisters so I don’t have to think about exchanging the canisters often.
Anon
I have a loved one with an addiction. Several rounds of rehab and still not feeling optimistic. Two questions:
1. I’m finding a desire to understand things from my loved one’s perspective. Can anyone recommend a book or other resources because I am truly struggling to understand.
2. For those who have been through this, how do you actually let someone hit bottom? What does that even mean? While I have gotten better at knowing my limits, I can’t imagine not helping or supporting this person (not a spouse but immediate family). Maybe it just gets to a point where you can’t? I also keep feeling like it is bottom but how do you know?
Any insight is appreciated. Thanks.
Anon
My insights are, go to al-anon or something like that to mingle with other friends and loved ones of addicts.
Two things are true –
1) the addict places their drug of choice above all else, including job, financial security, and loved ones
2) no one can lie like an addict. The joke – when do you know when an addict is lying? When their mouth is moving – is not far from the truth.
The best you can do is keep telling the addict you love them, but don’t support their habit. Don’t give them money. (And they won’t say the money is for drugs, they will have a very good story about how it’s urgently needed for something else.) Support their efforts at rehab, even when you secretly think it will fail.
And take care of yourself. Don’t blame yourself. You can’t fix them. They have to fix themselves.
Anon
Oof, yeah. The lying. I have told this person that I can support them as long as they are honest but that just isn’t happening. I went to one al-anon meeting a few years ago and will try it again. I think I just need to find the right one.
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
Anonymous
What do you mean by “helping” or “support”? To you, does it mean any of the following?
Giving money, paying rent, buying food, paying for life needs.
Making excuses, making things easier with other family members, smoothing over rough edges and broken promises, running interference
giving rides, providing cars, providing housing
Making appointments, making medical care happen, making decisions
If so, . . . . all of this is enabling, not helping. Letting someone hit bottom means accepting the pain of watching them experience the consequences of their actions. You watch them lose a job, get evicted, lose friends, go hungry, get a car reposessed, etc. It’s awful for you and you have to learn to control yourself to keep yourself from stepping in to make things better, “support,” or “help.”
Support that you CAN give: unconditional love, continually telling them your door is open whenever they’re ready to change, continually telling them that you love and accept them, researching care and treatment options and telling them that you’ll help them get help whenever they’re ready, etc.
Go for it
Oh wow, it’s hard. I come from family with massive addiction issues, it has been soul crushing to witness. Truly the first thing is be kind to yourself, and second look up Al-anon and please go to a meeting…..really 6 before deciding if it’s right for you. I’ve been an active member for 25+ years and assure you that you are not alone. You cannot determine someone’s bottom, only they can. It sounds counterintuitive but the best way to help them is by helping you first understand and cope with it.
Best to you.
Anon
Yes, as someone with an addict in her immediate family, it does get to the point where you can’t and won’t help. Addicts take, take, take and lie, lie, lie. Be careful.
Anon
I can see it happening and it makes me so very sad. This is my first exposure to addiction and it is a beast.
Anonymous
A perspective- my sister was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bipolar in her mid 20s- ten years ago. She is also an alcoholic.
I can’t tell you what “rock bottom” was. I’m not even sure she’s hit it. She had a psychotic break that landed her in a psych ward 10 years ago and ever since then she’s been simultaneously getting worse (all issues ID’d at that time have only gotten worse) and getting better (she’s accepted her diagnoses and has therapists, medication, etc).
Fifteen years ago, when she was 20, she was boisterous, fun-loving, happy college kid. Maybe partied a little harder than the average college kid but nothing crazy. Then somehow her various psych conditions started manifesting, her dependence on alcohol increased, and she happened to be working at a startup across the country from most of her friends and family. One day my dad got a call from her roommate that my sister went to the hospital. Turns out it was a full on psychotic break that took her nearly a year to recover from(she doesn’t remember about 6 months of this timeline).
Fast forward and in her early 30s she was married and divorced twice. She went to rehab twice, once because she got blind drunk on Christmas Eve and started shaking my kid (who was 2), then got into a fist fight with my uncles and husband as they tried to put her in a car to get her to a hospital. I recorded it all on my phone to show it to her, and also to remind myself why my kids aren’t allowed to be alone with her even though she’s been sober for two years (she’d been sober for 4 years at the time).
Anyway, she used to be my best friend. She’s now a self absorbed mess that blames her bad behavior on her disease, who pushes loved ones out of her life, and whose manic and depressive episodes are impossible for me to tolerate. I consider the bridge burned, but my window is open for communication at a distance.
It’s really sad. For me, I had to realize that she literally could never be trusted around my kids (who are now 4 and 6!).
Anon
I am so sorry you have had to go through this experience. Part of my challenge has definitely been trying to reconcile the person I knew and the one that exists now.
S in Chicago
I’m new to fitness. I’m hitting the treadmill every day and really enjoy taking super long walks on (usually gravel or paved) forest preserve trails on weekends. I have my treadmill shoes down pat. But I need to figure out what to do for weekends now that there has been some snow. I had an outdoor shoe from NorthFace but, while waterproof, it is super heavy. So I just bought a trail running shoe I love that’s water proof and light weight. The arch support feels like it was custom made for my foot–but it has a sock liner. Do I still wear socks with these or no? https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B072PCH6HH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1&psc=1
Anon
I always wear socks with athletic shoes.
Anon
Definitely wear with socks and in the winter I would wear them with longer socks to keep snow off my ankles.
anon
Always socks with running sneaks. I don’t think I could stand the sensation of being barefoot.
Grad Student Budget Tips
Could you share what your ideal budget looks like as a grad student?
I’ve been working for a few years and have recently gone back to school. Thanks to various scholarships covering tuition and stipends I have $2k/month budgeted toward living expenses, not including school housing (VVHCOL East Coast city). I’ve focused on reining in my spending habits from my working days, and spend $1k on eating out and groceries (I don’t drink but love love love good food), $200 on transportation, and put the rest to travel, cultural tickets, and exercise.
I know I’m very fortunate relative to most other students. I hate debt with a passion and it feels like skimping after the working days of expensed meals, travel, and gyms — on top of that, my living expenses were well above $3k/month when I was working. Obviously I cannot discuss this with other students. Please help me put this budget into perspective!
anon
You asked for it – I find this budget crazy high, grad student or otherwise. That’s vastly more than we spend for two adults in the Bay Area.
Personally, I’d limit eating out and takeout to once or twice a week and cook the rest of my meals. I’d also never, ever reserve $800/month to travel, exercise and entertainment. If you have a gym that you like and paying helps you actually go and work out, great. Take advantage of all the cheap/free entertainment options that are offered at university/with a student discount. Hanging out with peers, cooking and watching Netflix is almost free.
In the end, it’s your choice of course and there are more factors to consider. I’d start by tracking at least 3 months of expenses closely, and then taking a hard look at my situation. Do you have healthy emergency savings? Are you saving for retirement or a different goal? Would you be able to cut some of your monthly spending to put away $500 every month? What will be the perceived reduction in quality of life, what would be the satisfaction of seeing your savings go towards that goal? You don’t know before you try.
Anon
+1, I aimed to put $2k/month on my credit card most months when I was in Big Law in the Bay Area, and that was pretty much all my expenses except rent and student loans. It seems very high for a student budget.
Anon
I agree this is a crazy budget. I’m a working professional with a comfortable 6-figure salary, and all my expenses besides my mortgage are less than $1000 a month. Everything else goes in to savings. Granted that doesn’t cover my vacations, but a student should not be taking expensive vacations and my total for all trips a year is less than $5000.
Anonymous
A grad student does not ordinarily spend $1,000 per month on food, or anything on travel, cultural tickets (except maybe super cheap student rush tickets), or exercise (hello, student rec center)! It’s a good thing you aren’t discussing your budget woes with your classmates who are trying to scrape by on much less.
Anon
LOL what? Do you have 3k/month saved for however long you’ll be in grad school? Because that is an absurdly high budget for a grad student.
busybee
I mean, I think you need to compare your budget with you, not anyone else. Why did you pick $200 for transportation- is that based on current expenses or did you check out public transit/parking/gas costs in this city? Frankly $1000 a month on food seems extremely high, and you don’t need to pay any money to exercise. Also I’d forego travel if I were a grad student on a budget but I don’t like to travel. You didn’t mention any expenses like insurance or healthcare- don’t forget those.
anon
based on their comment that they are in an east coast city, I thought of going to the gym when it’s freezing and slushy outside, plus it gets dark early. Also, classes are more motivating for some and anything that help to keep up with regular exercise would be an expense I would prioritize. But of course, there might be options on campus or at the Y that make this category more economical.
busybee
I mean, I live in a northern East Coast city and manage to work out for free all year long but I guess if she’s used to spending more than $3k a month, free YouTube fitness classes aren’t going to be good enough.
Anon
Okay come on, I had a gym membership when I was in grad school (on a budget SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than this) and I was just fine. It’s possible and some people will want to spend money on it. Doesn’t make them terrible people.
Anon
Also, even a reasonably high end gym (let alone a cheaper chain like LA Fitness, Planet Fitness, or 24 hr) can be had for less than $150 / mth
Worry About Yourself
I use ClassPass for studio fitness and my subscription is only the $79/mo option. Sometimes I spend a bit more for extra credits but I can’t remember the last time I spent a whole $150 on fitness in a given month.
Anon
…I spend about $2k a month on everything other than rent and childcare. Single parent in a VVHCOL city.
Anon
In my several years in the work force I have never once spent 2k a month (excluding rent).
Your situation is so incredibly fortunate.
gouda
I’d look into what services you can get through the school. For example, most schools have a gym. You can get cheap tickets to student theater (and sometimes to professional productions on campus). I was a grad student 15 years ago, right out of college, but everyone I knew was in the same boat which really helped (no one suggested going out for a $12 cocktail because no one could afford it).
Anon
We’re a family of three with a teenage kid who eats like food is being outlawed tomorrow and routinely has his friends over to eat (and they eat like he does). We don’t spend $1000 a month on groceries and eating out. I’m astounded.
OP, you can definitely afford to be saving something on this budget and that’s a good idea, just in case. Start taking your lunch and cooking most dinners at home. Save eating out for the weekends and you’ll save a bundle of money, just with that simple change.
Anonymous
Omg you’re spending a grand on food as a single grad student? You can’t be helped. That’s just beyond absurd.
Worry About Yourself
Woah, woah woah woah, a thousand a month on food and eating out is A LOT! I’d look into cutting that in half, although even $500 would be high. Most single people who work full-time aim for around $200-250 as a monthly grocery budget, maybe another couple hundred or so for dining out if that’s a priority, but again, we’re talking about people earning a living, if you’re a grad student you can and should have a much lower budget for eating out. A thousand for food is insane.
Anon
“Most single people who work full-time aim for around $200-250 as a monthly grocery budget” – I don’t know that I agree with that. Maybe most people who are on a strict budget. My husband and I easily spend $800+/month at the grocery store for the two of us, as do many, if not most, of the working professionals I know. And we’re in a LCOL area.
Anon
How do you know what your coworkers are spending on groceries? $400 per person per month is A LOT, even in a HCOL area.
Anon
I posted in December looking for low heeled booties to accommodate both a high instep and an orthotic. I’m pleased to report that I’ve finally settled on the Blondo Valli and the Blondo Villa. I found the Blondo Valli on deep clearance in a light taupe. My regular size (10M) fit fine in that. Unfortunately when I ordered the same shoe same size in black, I couldn’t get my foot into it. So I ended up with the Villa in 10W and my high instep and orthotic are happily commingling in there today.
Just in case anyone has similar issues, check them out.
Now to find no-show socks that don’t slide down at the heel!
Go for it
Darn tough socks $$ have been great for me. I found the men’s to have more foot length and stay in place better.
lsw
You might not see this because I’m a day late, but I was one of the people with similar feet to you who suggested Blondo and I’m thrilled you like them! For no-slip socks, I have found Bombas to be the only ones that work for me, and I think that’s because you can actually buy them in your size (vs OSFA, which does not FitMe).
anon
How often do you go to the doctor for a general checkup? I’m good about visiting my specialists — eye doctor, ob-gyn, dentist, dermatologist for skin checks — but it dawned on me recently that I have no idea when I last visited my PCP for anything other than a routine illness. How often are people getting a full blood workup, cholesterol checked, etc.?
ElisaR
i went last year for the first time. it had been……. 20 years or so since I had a doctor aside from hitting up urgent care for one off things. i think the general rule of thumb is once a year. mainly it’s good to establish a relationship w/ a doctor in case you need one for real.
Anon
You should be having annual blood work like CBC, blood sugar, and cholesterol, so you’d see a general practitioner/primary care doctor for an annual physical which would cover that. Your GP will refer you for whatever tests are needed – mammogram, colonoscopy, etc, as you fall into those age categories.
Anon
Once a year. That is the recommendation, it’s free after ObamaCare, and I like developing the relationship with a PCP.
Anon
I go every three years because that’s how often Canada recommends getting pap smears, so I get a physical at the same time. I think you’re supposed to go once a year…oops.
Anon
My doctor told me that now that I’m in my 30s I should be having blood workups done every year or maybe she said every other year. But I’ve had enough reasons to visit my PCP that it’s been added to other appointments.
anon8
I see my PCP every year. I get $$ deposited in my HSA account if I do a yearly biometric screening, so I just go to my doctor for yearly bloodwork.
Anon
How do you feel about that yearly biometric screening? Does it feel invasive to you that your employer has the information?
CountC
I do this also, and no, I do not care at all. I never think about it tbh.
Anonymous
I just went this month for the first time in at least 10 years! I plan to go annually now, especially because this doctor will also do a pap.