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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Floral Wrap Blouse

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This top is just so pretty and spring-y. It has an ethereal vibe that I think could still fly in a business setting if styled with very structured pieces. I would wear it with a pair of fitted ankle pants and a slim-fitting blazer or replace the self-tie with a brown or cognac belt and wear it with a navy pencil skirt. I would also be sure to wear it with a white or nude-for-you cami underneath. The hidden snap closure is a nice feature to help prevent the wardrobe malfunctions that can occur with a wrap top. It’s $69.99 on sale at Ann Taylor and is available in sizes 00–18 in regular, petite, and tall. Through 5/25, you can get 40% off your purchase with code SUMMERTIME, which brings the price down to only $41.99. Floral Wrap Blouse For plus sizes, Nordstrom has a floral wrap top from 1.State that's on sale for $53.40 in the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale. (Here are our picks!) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 1/22/25:

  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

474 Comments

  1. Coveting a classically stylish watch – any recs?
    I’m a lawyer working in NYC private equity. I’d like something that I could wear every day, dressed down or up, preferably under $500…could move the budget up for something special but I’m not looking at a Cartier Tank or anything.
    I’ve seen Skagen recommended – is that the right thing to go with?

      1. +1 I love my Movado! They are classic, stylish and have a few options at that price

      2. +1 to Movado. I have a Skagen as well, but my Movado meets the definition of what you are looking for more so than the Skagen.

    3. I’m very happy with my Citizen Eco-drive, but if I were going to double the budget, I would check out a Shinola Vinton. I love the way Skagens look on other people but I didn’t love it on my own wrist.

      1. +1. I’ve had my classic SS watch for 15 years and the only thing it’s ever needed is 2 batteries. Looks good as new.

    6. If you’re looking for quality for less $$, and are okay with something less mainstream, consider looking into Knot. It’s a Japanese brand set up by designers who previously worked at Skagen. They use top notch materials (sapphire glass and surgical steel) and offer customizable designs / interchangeable watch straps for a reasonable price (around $250 for a set of watch face + strap, but can make different combinations to dress up or down or depending on the season). Their business is mostly online but they also have physical showrooms in Tokyo if you’re ever in that part of the world.

    7. If you want a Skagen, they have a sale going right now on their own site. Usually I like to buy at brick-and-mortar stores, but the Skagen site has lots more options than I saw in real life.

    8. I love my Citizen Eco Drive because it never needs a new battery. They seem to be having a sale now, too.

      1. How long have you had your Citizen? I loved the first-generation one I received for HS graduation ages ago, but the battery stopped accepting a charge after a year. The replacement battery then did the same, and finding a local jeweler in my somewhat backwoods area at that time who could understand that it needed a special rechargeable battery and not a normal battery the same size was nigh impossible. The last guy ignored my instructions and stuck a normal battery in, which promptly melted the solar cell (which he at least paid to have Citizen replace).

        If the battery recharge lifespan has improved I might resurrect my old watch.

        1. I will try again. Mine was from…longer ago than that, so perhaps the rechargeable batteries have improved since then.

    10. I’ve been very happy with my Citizen. Before that, I had a (more expensive) Swiss Army watch with a pearlized face and a diamond chip at 12. It was less sturdy than I expected for the brand. My more basic stainless Swiss Army got me through college and grad school before the band gave up and couldn’t be replaced. My Citizen is in great shape after … 3+ years, I suppose?

      1. You won’t be getting a genuine Rolex for $500. There are many other fabulous watches at that price point though. I like Bulova.

    12. I’ve had a Bulova for a few years now and it’s wearing very well considering how rough I tend to be on stuff. It has four little microscopic diamonds at 12/3/6/9 on a dark blue face with silver hardware; I receive loads of compliments on it!

  2. Kat, this is a very pretty blouse, which I will wear on weekend’s with skinny jeans or even white denim, like the cute model. Thank’s for pointing this one out to us!

    I am spending the long weekend out with Myrna at the manageing partner’s house in the Hamtons setting up for the big firm outing, which he is holding the first weekend in June. He has invited the entire firm to come out, and he has rented 10 hotel rooms for the staff that he does NOT have space for in his house. Margie suggested this b/c there were to many people who had to drive home last year who probably should NOT have been driving after a full day out on the manageing partner’s boat, then swimming and enjoying a beautiful day @ their home. The baby is now big enough to walk, talk and swim and is going to preschool. I wish I had a baby growing up, but at least I have Margie and Rosa to do this for me! I am also NOT moving to 53W53 b/c I convinced dad I would not be happy there! Anyway, I hope the entire HIVE has a great weekend! YAY!!!

  3. For those of you who work in-house at a tech company (specifically as corporate counsel), what do you like best about it? What are the biggest challenges, particularly if you have transitioned from private practice? I’m a jr partner at a mid-size firm and have been interviewing for corporate counsel positions at some tech firms, and while I know every company is different, I’m trying to get a feel for pros and cons. Thanks!

    1. I work at a tech firm and I have a couple lawyers reporting to me, though not our GC. Here are some interesting observations:
      – in some companies, the reporting structure is wonky. For example, I’m the GM of a major business unit (500 FTEs). I have the compliance atty and the contracting atty designated for our business unit matters hard line reporting into me (or my reports). They have a “dotted line” relationship into our GC. Conversely, one of our corporate council (associate council) is a hard line report to the GC, but dotted lined into my BU directly to me. This person handles all corporate council type stuff for my BU.
      – depending on the role (i know you asked about CC but adding this for anyone else interested), you are not….respected? That’s not quite the right word here, but the BU looks to those in the JD roles as very narrow SMEs- on regulation or specific laws. Like an outside consultant. But the input of the JD role is often a FACTOR in a decision, not the decision making entity (eg. compliance). For contracting, you’re viewed as another piece of red tape. “ugh, it’s with legal.” or “it’s still with legal, FML.”or “legal says we can’t do XYZ, now it’s going to cause XXX problem.”

      A lot will also depend on the size of your tech firm. I work for a large one, so we have a lot of people with a JD running around in various roles. if you’re in a small shop, you might find yourself fielding all kinds of wonky legal questions not directly related to the company

      1. +1. I’m in a smaller company and report directly to the GC, but this sounds about right otherwise.

        Pros: My hours are more flexible (not necessarily much less work, but I can work from home, leave early, and my hours are more stable and predictable in general – former M&A practice. I also don’t work on weekends as much). I have a lot of autonomy in my day to day work. I have enjoyed working with business units and have learned a lot about finance, tech, privacy etc in a way I hadn’t in a law firm, and feel like I am learning and making a difference. I enjoy the work and knowing the culture (vs understanding the client’s needs and culture every time in private practice). I don’t have billables, which I felt was a time suck and didn’t reward efficiency. I don’t get stressed if it’s a slow time – there is always some corporate housekeeping to do and I can attend CLEs and brush up on various subjects. It’s rarely a slow time TBH, whereas OldFirm had a giant lull which was my main motivation for leaving.
        Cons: You are a cost center, not a money maker. I’m lucky to have a great GC who is good at conveying why legal is useful and important, but still get a fair amount of eye rolls and “ugh, legal”. I didn’t take a huge pay cut but my income progression is clearly slower, although I do have a decent bonus policy. Because I don’t have billables (note that some in-house people do, so ask about that) it’s harder to quantify my value when bonus day comes around. Tech bro culture is real and can be sexist in ways I didn’t expect coming from biglaw. I like my team but lucked out – I wouldn’t want to be working on some of the other teams at my company.
        Bottom line: my GC is great and my workload is tailored to my interests. My work life balance is also better. Ask a lot of questions to try and make sure that would be the case for you too.

    2. I left biglaw as a third year associated to join a large tech company and have been there close to ten years. The biggest challenge for me is learning the technology, and figuring out what I don’t know because my clients aren’t explaining the issues versus what I don’t know because I have no tech background. For the first several years at my company, I always assumed it was the latter, but now I realize it doesn’t necessarily matter — if I don’t understand something, I ask questions (hopefully, reasonably intelligent questions!). Other challenges are particular to my large company, such as finding the right person and learning processes that aren’t always well-defined or are hidden on some internal webpage that hasn’t been updated in three years. Pros are: interesting work, relative autonomy (I get as much or as little help from my management as I want/need), flexible work arrangements, and of course, no billing time.
      Regarding the respect comment above, I’ve never perceived that attitude at my organization (although i’m sure some clients feel that way) — but legal execs are very focused on Legal not being a holdup, ever, which can be its own kind of challenge. This all goes to in-house departments being a cost center rather than rev generating center. Our reporting structure is entirely within legal, except our GC reports to the CEO. I think it’s a bit odd to have lawyers reporting to a business exec, to be honest.

    4. I’m sole counsel to a late-stage private tech company in SF. I have a strong transactional and commercial background. We have roughly 230 employees in two offices (one in another state which is small, most here). I am not GC (left biglaw as a mid-sr, and had prior law experience before biglaw too)

      Pros:
      Stock options. My company’s value is skyrocketing, and my salary is not much less than I made in biglaw, but my options are worth much more than I could get in biglaw bonus. Of course, I am doing great on paper, but…still going to have a payday from this place.
      Responsibility and a seat at the table.
      Extremely broad practice (corporate (still handle all corpgov/deal work incl. venture financings, bolt-on M&A, secondaries, board matters, real estate (we are negotiating very large leases in 2 locations), IP portfolio management (outside counsel does our patent prosecution work), employment, commercial (customer contracts and company-wide procurement)).
      Extremely smart and engaged co-workers (many folks in biglaw or burntout/staff are just lifers who don’t care–not the case with a young tech company).
      Broad exposure to business problems
      Easily portable/highly in-demand skill set (I get approached for jobs all the time)
      Outsourcing work to outside counsel

      Cons:
      Extremely broad practice area – prioritizing and juggling can be hard.
      Learning to scale/build out systems and processes – I am in charge of legal ops too. So, for instance, we have no contract management system or organized records or outside counsel management system
      No redundancy (everything is handled by me)
      Sometimes get “this is a business problem” as a hard “Shut up, Legal” from the COO/CEO which is hard, when it’s not a Legal gray area
      Lack of precedents at your fingertips (but you can ask outside counsel for anything).
      Managing outsdie counsel is a pain if you disagree with founders about who we should be using for what.
      Open plan office–it’s hard to do deep drafting when you get interrupted every 5 seconds, but headphones help.

      I was a total prestige whore and thought in-house would be boring. It’s anything but. I am engaged here and happy. I don’t work weekends (my co has a digital blackout until Sunday nights). It’s been very freeing to have visibility into deal timing.

  4. My husband and I are wanting to take a vacation to Colorado this October. We’ve never been and we’d like to stay either in a cabin or a resort in the mountains. Any recs? Thanks!

    1. Do you want to ski or hike? Different parts of Colorado have very different outdoorsy vibes. (Though in October, you may get snow!)

    2. Steamboat Springs was awesome if you’re going to ski. It’s a cute little town and really handy to get to the slopes. Even if you’re not skiing, there a lot of tourist-friendly activities like dog sledding, tubing, snowmobiling, sleigh rides, etc that will pick you up at your lodging and take you there, making it easy for you. We liked the Lodge at Steamboat — nothing fancy, but the condo was spacious and a perfect place to relax.

    4. Estes Park. By October, you’ll be getting into early snowfall, but the roads clear easily. It’s right at the east edge of Rocky Mountain National Park, and there are lots of cabin resorts that are within a couple miles of the park.

      2. +1 for Estes Park. My husband and I had our wedding there a few Octobers ago and it was perfect.

    6. Question about how you phrased your inquiry. You wrote “are wanting to…”. I have a genuine question that will help me with my work; I am not trying to be snarky about your post:

      What part of the country are you in? Is this a local phrasing? I am from the Northeast but work for a company in the Midwest and have found this use of a gerund common among my coworkers. I am responsible for editing of corporate written materials, and I always change such phrasing to “want to…” as I find “are verbing to…” awkward, and I was also taught to remove unnecessary words whenever possible. Can others chime in about whether this is a regional thing or something else? Thanks.

      1. I’m not the OP and am in Texas. I do not know what is correct here but my natural inclination would be to use “my H and I would like to” in writing but to verbally say “my H and I wanna”. ;) Like I said, Texas: gonna, fixin, wanna. Just how we roll.

      2. In this case though, the phrasing makes sense and I think saying “My husband and I are taking a vacation to Colorado” changes the meaning. It sounds like they’re in the early planning stages and if you say “We are taking a vacation to Colorado,” it sounds like a vacation has already been decided on and planned, whereas “We want to take a vacation” sounds like they are considering a vacation and looking for input. Fairly significant difference to me, especially in the context of asking for advice about the trip. Saying ‘want to take’ instead of ‘are wanting to take’ would be tidier, but I wouldn’t eliminate the word want.

        1. But the question/suggestion isn’t to eliminate “want.”It’s “are wanting to take” versus “want to take.” I think it’s a really interesting question, OP. I’ve lived in the Midwest all my life and have never paid attention to it before, but it sounds familiar so maybe it is regional.

      3. Funny that you mention this. my mother is an ESL teacher and she ALWAYS comments while watching the show Fixer Upper because Joanna Gaines always says things along the lines of, “I opened this wall up because ya’ll were wanting to see your kids playing in the living room from the kitchen,” etc. Being that she has to teach “correct” grammar to new English speakers, it hits her ear and grinds her gears. If you’re not a Fixer Upper watcher, they’re in Waco, TX.

      4. I don’t know if I do it with wanting to, but “fixing to” is definitely Southernism. (as in, “I’m fixing to go to the store, want me to pick up anything for you?”

        1. The youth have picked this up as finna and my urban white California kids say it all the time

      5. OP here and yes, I’m from the Midwest. I always got dinged in college and grad school for being too wordy in all my papers.

      6. Late in the day, but I’m originally from a southern part of the Midwest (the part that causes people to argue about whether you’re still in the Midwest or have, in fact, entered the South), and this was common phrasing for me and my family while I was growing up. It wasn’t until I went to law school elsewhere that I realized it was unusual.

  5. There’s an article in WaPo today about cases Elizabeth Warren worked on while teaching law. I’m not a lawyer, but they seem to paint this as a bad thing, emphasizing that she charged up to $675 an hour. Is it not normal to practice law while also teaching?

    4. This is totally normal, and $675 is a market rate for a lawyer of her caliber. Apparently, only white men are allowed to make money.

      2. Indeed. There are many (mostly male) lawyers at the top firms who charge far more than this. Lawyers billing at rates like these represent what is overall a small portion of the legal profession, but is very fair for an attorney of her caliber. Even in my firm at the bottom of the Am Law 200 there are senior partners who have rates in the $500-700/hr range.

        2. I’m a senior associate and my rate is just under 800 per hour. We bill out our junior people at 4-500 per hour. Partners are 1000-1100. Getting Elizabeth Warren for 675 an hour is a steal!

      4. I don’t get why this matters.

        I’m sure Harvard has a policy regarding outside work (it’s expected, but within guidelines). As long as she was following the policy, I see no issue.

        My billing rate as a biglaw midlevel was almost that high. Partners were around $800-1,000/hour. $675/hour seems very reasonable for someone with her background. Honestly, even if she was higher than market, I don’t see the issue unless it was so high as to put her in the pocket of a special interest (and that argument would be a stretch given that she wasn’t elected to office and her policies are not great for many of the institutions that could pay her rates).

      1. This reminds me of how Wendy Davis was treated. I certainly knew that many people in this country have a general contempt and disdain for women who do anything other than submit to men and breed, but it was extremely depressing demonstration of just how deep seated and profound that hatred and disdain was.

        1. Wendy Davis divorced her husband *the day after* he cashed out his 401k to pay her law school loans.

          That’s just a crappy thing to do and has nothing to do with her gender.

          1. Oh come the f* on. There were many, many comments about her that were completely unrelated to that.

            Not that it is in anyway relevant, but I highly doubt that the divorce was a complete surprise to him. If it was, he’s an idiot, or, what you’d rather have me believe, she’s a terrible, calculating harpy who was just using him for his money, mwahahahahah. Man, women are such b*tches, amirite? DiVoRcE = CaSh aNd PrIzEs FoR WoMmEn!!1

          3. Not really sure if you’re the same Anon that I responded to but sure, fine. I’m cray cray. Thanks for that valuable and articulate contribution to the discussion.

          4. “Valuable,” “articulate,” and “discussion” are not words to describe your comment at 1:51 PM.

    6. If I were to become a professor, I’d need to keep somewhat of a private practice to afford my mortgage. Cambridge ain’t a cheap place to live, yo.

      1. She bought her house for <$500k 25 years ago and made $430k annually when she was a Harvard law prof so I don't think affording the mortgage is a big concern. I agree though that there's no reason she shouldn't make money on the side and $675/hour is a reasonable for a lawyer with as much experience and name recognition as she has.

          1. Elizabeth Warren did. Law professors (and med school and business school professors) make WAY more than most other professors. At state schools, all professor salaries are public if you’re curious and want to look it up. It looks like at Michigan, most professors make in the $200s, with a few in the low $300s (Dean is in the $500s), so it’s not surprising to me at all that Harvard has profs in the $400s. These are superstar lawyers and the school knows they’re competing with large law firms where the lawyers could make high six figure salaries. The same can’t be said of sociology professors, or even engineering professors.

          3. I actually don’t buy the argument that the schools are competing with large law firms for professors. Most law school professors, at least at my top law school, would be horrible attorneys. The practiced law for a year or two a few decades ago, and now just teach and research – they have very little, if any, concept of how to litigate a case. They make great subject matter experts, but I wouldn’t trust them in a courtroom.

          4. I agree with your point, but the fact that a law professor could at least theoretically work in private practice for close to $1M a year does drive up the salary the schools offer them. Same reason why med school and business school profs are paid much more than other professors. An engineer is probably going to top out around $150-200k unless they win the start-up lottery, so there’s no reason for universities to offer an engineering prof a $400k salary.

    8. So… unlike our current President, she was actually successful at her chosen occupation.

      Faux outrage for reals.

      1. Especially barbecue it seems like most (if not all, didn’t read the whole article/list) of these cases she provided an expert opinion. So, there was a much larger case going on and she worked on what was likely a small (but important piece) portion of the case in terms of volume of hours. I am sure there was a good chunk of time devoted to research and drafting her opinions/formulating her responses, but i cant’ imagine she was responsible for more than 10-15% of the total hours worked or billed on a case.

  6. Do any drugstore “skin toning” or “anti cellulite” creams actually work?

    1. I’m pretty sure anti cellulite creams have been thoroughly debunked. There is anti cellulite plastic surgery that’s just been approved and has proven results (very few treatments do!), but that’s obviously $$$.

      1. I could be wrong, but I thought there was some proof they could plump up the skin and camouflage the cellulite bumps. So, it isn’t at all removing the cellulite, and actually makes the area ever so slightly larger but does actually create a smoothing effect. I think it was somewhat related to the caffeine in the topical products? It’s been years since I paid attention to it so I could be wrong.

    2. They can help temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite, I think the ingredient to look for is caffeine. Don’t expect much, though. You’ll have better luck masking it with tanning products if you’re not dark skinned.

  7. I am helping my friend plan a romantic getaway from orange county, California for his wife while I take the kids. Any ideas on where to go and what to do? San Diego is the only place they do not want to go. They really need this time away after a horrific year and I really want to do something nice. Friend isn’t much of a planner or a romantic, so I would like to put an itinerary together and figure out as much of the details that I can.

    2. Oooh boy. Two ideas depending on budgeting and flights:
      1. Romantic and peaceful- Carmel by the sea! Lots of storefronts, golfing, and beautiful coastline. Monterey Bay Aquarium and Santa Cruz are an easy drive from Carmel.
      2. f they’re looking to spend less money the central coast of CA is a good bet- SLO, Santa Barbra, Hearst Castle are all worth a visit. Excellent wineries.

    4. My other comment is stuck in mod.
      1. Carmel/Monterey/Santa Cruz
      2. Central Coast: SLO, Santa Barbra, Hearst Castle

    5. How long? How much budget? If they have the money and even 5ish days, I think Hawaii is worth it. It’s such an easy trip from Southern California and hard to beat for romance. If it’s just a long weekend, maybe Portland or Seattle, or SF/Napa?

    6. If it’s in the budget, I’d do a weekend at Bacara in Santa Barbara

      2. Bacara is awesome, but just know that the beach there is not for sunbathing and swimming. It’s a ton of large rocks and not much sand line. Plus, it far north of Santa Barbara central, so if you want to go to SB for meals, etc. (which I highly recommend) it’s about 15-20 minute drive south.

        1. I am more of a pool girl, and theirs is awesome ;)
          It’s just super luxurious and relaxing, which I personally love for a romantic getaway, but they may be a different kind of couple

    7. It depends on whether they like crowds or want to be alone. I like the idea of something in the mountains for alone time. For something with more people around the beach. I like the Hyatt across the street from the water in Santa Barbara but I honestly have never thought Santa Barbara had a really nice beach. I like Pismo Beach better as an actual beach, but there are going to be tons of families there, which it sounds like they’re trying to get away from.

    8. Temecula and stay at Europa Village. It is a small B&B owned by a chef and his wife and the included breakfasts were some of the best meals I’ve ever had. The rooms are nice and they all have a private balcony with gorgeous views. There is also a hot tub on the patio that overlooks the mountains. It has a cute downtown area and plenty of wineries to visit.

      1. As a counterpoint to this, when my kids were young I had a friend do the same thing – watch the kids for a weekend and we went off to a B&B in half moon bay. Idk, maybe we are just loud people but our “special mommy daddy time” did not feel all that private in someone’s house. We could hear people just coughing or brushing their teeth in the next room so certainly they could hear all of our activities… breakfast the next morning was awkward.

        I prefer the anonymity of a hotel.

        1. Big +1 to this. I don’t have kids but I also find being in B&Bs really weird and unromantic, because you can hear everyone and they can hear you. I MUCH prefer hotels.

          1. I thought I was the only one who felt this way! I have only stayed in a couple B&Bs, but I felt like it was not relaxing in the least – the owners tend to be up in people’s business; there’s not nearly as much privacy as a hotel, and the whole expectation to socialize with people you don’t know at drinks or at breakfast made me uncomfortable. Socializing with strangers is what I do for work; I don’t want to do it on my vacation. Give me a nice upscale hotel any day. The combination of service and anonymity is what I want.

    10. The Ojai Valley Inn and Country Club is gorgous and has a nice spa. And there is wine tasting nearby.

    14. So many options! Here are a few that come to mind off hand:

      Santa Barbara (Bacara)
      Big Sur (Post Ranch Inn)
      Napa/Sonoma
      Ojai Valley Inn and Spa
      Hawaii (personal preference for Big Island, but anywhere would be great!)

  8. I recently came into possession of a small three-drawer dresser that my grandfather made in the 50s or 60s. I’d like to repaint it, but I’m concerned that the current paint probably contains lead and I’d rather remove it first since kids may be in the near future and it would be a perfect dresser for a child’s bedroom. Anyone have any tips about how to remove lead paint safely and efficiently? A quick Google search suggests that you can chip it off with the help of paint stripper, but has anyone actually done that? Was it effective? We have a very small outdoor patio on which to work and we live in a condo complex with kids around so I definitely don’t want to create any lead dust.

    1. Honestly, I don’t think it’s really worth it to refinish one piece of furniture yourself, given the tools needed and chemicals involved. Especially since it has sentimental value, I’d just pay someone to do it.

    2. I would get this done professionally. You do not want to mess around with lead. Definitely do not chip it off – that will make dust.

    3. You may look at covering up (painting over) the lead paint versus removing it. Just another option that I’d heard was actually relatively safe even for kiddos’ furniture (other than a crib that may be chewed on extensively). If it were mine, I’d either hire out the lead paint removal, or go the coverup route.

      1. Yes, it’s much safer to paint over it than to remove it and have all those lead particles floating in the air.

    4. I wouldn’t try to sand off the lead paint completely unless you have a well contained and ventilated space.

      General guidelines for lead paint is to sand off the chipping areas and then paint over it with non-lead paint. Keep it in good repair and frequently repaint areas that are in active use (ie the drawers and areas around the drawers) to prevent flaking.

      I would not put this in a young child’s room until they are 10 are so.

      If you really wanted to remove all lead paint from this piece, I would take it to a professional refinisher.

      You can also buy cheap lead testing kits to check to see if the paint does in fact contain lead. Maybe you’ll luck out and the piece was not painted until more recently.

    5. I’ve used paint stripper, it’s not a dusty process, but a goopy, noxious one. The stripper bubbles up the paint and you scrape off the goo. You will need a hose handy and gloves and be careful not to burn yourself. If you’re repainting it, you at least don’t need to do a great job. That said, buy a lead test kit to check first. Not all old paint has lead in it, my 50’s era house had none.

      1. Do you have a testing kit you can recommend? Some of the options online look a little sketchy.

        1. You can buy them at Lowes/Home Depot . You have to make a cut into the paint and then rub the tester on it. They work well.

    6. They have little lead testers that look like tampons. They’re cheap, and you can get them at any home store or online.

      Also, I think you’re probably fine if you just paint it over with new paint instead os stripping it. Once the old paint is encapsulated it’s unlikely to be a threat to children (think about old houses – you don’t rip out all the old molding because it has lead paint). Eating the chipped off lead paint chips/ lead dust in the air is what makes lead paint dangerous to kids.

    7. Go to an OLD hardware store and try to find some of the pre-reformulation paint stripper. You want to nasty, toxic stuff. Put it on the dresser (a section at a time) and cover with a big trash bag for an hour or so, so it doesn’t evaporate too quickly. After that, scrape and wipe away. Always burn your rags at the end of the day.

      If it’s shellaced and not painted, https://restoringross.com/a-continuing-niche-3/

      1. I STRONGLY disagree with burning any rags with lead contamination!

        The old formulations are bad for the environment and for your health.

        1. +1 million! That’s a bad idea and very likely going to violate your city’s hazardous waste rules.

      3. No, encouraging the OP to not burn down their house. Stripper/paint/linseed soaked rags are a HUGE fire hazard. Obviously don’t burn them in an enclosed area. Seriously… this is a thing long known in woodworking circles and I don’t mess with it. Don’t throw those things in the trash unless you know specifically what you’re using and what you’re removing. I’m not screwing around here.

        https://www.popularwoodworking.com/flexner-on-finishing-woodworking-blogs/linseed-oil-and-spontaneous-combustion-take-it-seriously/

  9. From hotel travels, there are bathroom floor tiles that are rougher (for tile) so that they aren’t ultra-slippery when wet. Others are like ice and probably dangerous (even if lovely). Thanks to a prior owner who tiled OVER tile, I have to redo a bathroom floor. Is there a term for rougher-surfaced tile? I feel so lost in the domestic materials sphere and need to go to the Home Despot over the long weekend (my wallet is scared of Ann Sacks –> is there any sort of in-between?).

    1. There is a treatment you can put on tiles to make them less slippery. Or you can install textured tile which will be less slippery on its own.

    2. Go to Home Depot and feel the tile samples. The textured ones will have more grip. Personally I have naturally textured slate tile all over my bathrooms which results in excellent grip (not slips to be found) and an interesting look. It’s very durable, the only downside is that it must be resealed every few years.

    3. Look for the COF (Coefficient of Friction) rating. Floor tile must have a certain minimum (among other characteristics). You can put floor tile on the wall but not vice-versa.

    4. Marble tile can be very slippery; with that said, if you go with a smaller tile (i.e. more grout lines) you can mitigate the slip.

  10. Where’s the line between asking someone their opinion as your friend, and their professional opinion? In my case, I have a good friend that is a landscape architect/florist/floral designer. I am a beginning hobby (actual) gardner. I have several friends that garden/DIY landscape as well. So typically, we’ll be having a glass of wine in my yard and i’ll say something like “i’m thinking of putting an XYZ over there, what do you think?” or “i have a crazy idea to start a rock garden with that pile of construction rocks over there, think i could pull it off?” or “i saw the flowers in your yard when i drove by last week- they look amazing! what are they?” “think i could transplant an XYZ without killing it?”

    But when I have my friend over that is actually *in the biz* I feel like maybe it’s awkward to ask these questions, as she gets paid to answer them. Am I over thinking it? I don’t mean like, sit down and grill her, but literally ask her what I’d ask my husband or another friend who knows anything at all about plants. If i’m over-stepping, do I ask her nothing and ignore the fact that she has decades of useful insight? Offer to…pay her for her time? The last one sounds so weird. I’m not asking for a landscaping plan, or for her to install anything.

    I guess transferring this to a lawyer framework, it’d be like saying “hey, I think i’m going to have a property line issue with my neighbor. is this the sort of thing i’d need a lawyer for? yeah? what kind? know anyone good? how do i tell a good one from a bad one?” versus asking them to do anything at all realted to the specific matter at hand.

    I am neither a lawyer nor a landscaper, and never in my life has someone asked me for professional advice on how to build software :).

    1. I think you are on the right track in all respects. Casually asking questions or for their opinion is no big deal–unless they act strange about it, then pull back. I’d definitely consider paying them for their time if you would like a plan done. They would probably appreciate the business and it would likely be a helpful guide for you and your H.

    2. But has anyone ever asked you to fix their computer? :)

      In all seriousness, I think you are probably overthinking. As long as you are not talking to her every time you see her about it for the entire time, I think it’s ok. If you do have a conversation and feel her giving you her professional opinion is taking over, I think you could say something like, “gee, I so appreciate your perspective but don’t want to take advantage. can we find some time where I can pick your brain a bit more, and I’d be happy to compensate you for your time and expertise?” And then she can say yes or no, but you’ve signaled to her that you’re not looking for her to work for you for free.

      But what do I know, I’m a lawyer.

    3. 1) don’t ask her to actually help you plant or design or do any work that she otherwise gets paid for
      2) ask for sources but do not ask for her trade discount
      3) talk to her about things other than landscaping for the majority of the time

      1. Def would not/do not do 2 or 3. The first is where the line is unclear to me. Like, she gets paid to tell people what would look good. I’d ask a non professional friend the questions with no hesitation whatsoever. I’d not ask any friend to plant or design, other than “any idea what would look good with X?” Or “what are good flowers for shade?” things i’d ask random people at the garden center (but not their Designer)- like hey, can you point me in the direction of stuff that’s not super easy to kill?

        1. Agree on this point. Generic friend opinion is fairly clear from professional advice to me. I think the key is not getting specific. Don’t ask her the amount of cubic meters you’ll need for your SW corner flower bed. But asking her if daisies go with the motif of your yard or if a Koi pond is too much work (allowing her general opinion and short answers) is perfectly fine.

        2. I think you’re fine. YMMV, but one of our neighbors is a landscape architect and has told us point-blank that he’s happy to answer that type of question because he loves helping people make their yards look nice. We don’t even have a close relationship, we just chat occasionally when we run into each other dog-walking.

    4. Bring it up proactively in the course of a conversation. I’m in a profession where lots of people have lots of questions, and I typically do not mind answering questions or giving basic advice on tax planning or financial topics. I partially got into this industry because I loved talking to my friends about financial topics when I was in college. But I always really appreciate when people acknowledge that they’re asking me a question that I could be paid for in a professional capacity and tell me that if I don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I also don’t have a problem telling them when they need to talk to their own accountant or suggesting they need to hire someone if they have a situation that’s really involved.

      What I do mind is when people wait til the last minute to do their taxes and then text me in a panic on April 12th with completely random questions, but that’s another soapbox for another day. :)

    5. The fact that you are this worried says to me that you know you aren’t just making conversation with a friend and that you really are trying to take advantage of her expertise. So just don’t. Talk about literally anything other than what new plants you should get.

      1. I thought the opposite. I thought if she is this worried, she’s not one of those people that are taking advantage.

    6. I’m a lawyer and don’t mind telling my friends about how common issues in my area of law work generally, as a law prof would explain to a class.

      I really don’t want to hear the details of their concern and give legal advice. I don’t want my friends becoming my clients.

      I get super annoyed when people ask how the law works and then argue. I get that people think the law should work differently, but it just happens to work the way I explained. Write your legislators if you want the law to work differently.

  11. I am centrally-located for my family and now that my grandmother has died, will be hosting (!!!) Thanksgiving this year. I’ve cooked turkeys before. I’ve made the dishes before. I think in my grandmother’s small town, someone would bring dessert or a side, so she didn’t have everything to do all at once, especially as she got older. I will need to do everything (people are driving in, so can’t keep the greenbean casserole hot for a 1.5 hour drive), which I can do. But I want to practice b/c the timing of everything will probably be where I go wrong (like the sides are all ready, but b/c I didn’t time it right, the turkey will still have an hour to go). Or cook the turkey ahead of time (but how do I reheat if something else is in the oven at a different temp? won’t it dry out or not warm through? most of my people hate gravy, so my mom’s trick of reheating IN gravy won’t work for most people)? I’ve also mastered making sure I start thawing my turkey so it’s thawed out by the time you need to cook it.

    I want to practice this weekend since it’s not super hot yet and my kids actually like turkey (just not gravy).

    1. A lot of this is dependent on what sides you are making/what you need to have the oven at for those sides.

      However, ideally the turkey should sit for a while after it comes out of the oven. You can use that time to finish off/heat up the remainder of the sides and make the gravy. I generally have a pretty intense timeline for the days leading up to and including thanksgiving that include make ahead sides and desserts so that the day of is a little less complicated.

      1. +1 to the turkey being out of the oven for up to an hour, loosely tented with foil, so that you can prepare other dishes.

        I’ve been doing thanksgiving myself for at least 10 years now. My number one tip is to make a list of when things need to be done in order to optimize oven usage. I just have one oven. So I have a list that basically goes – 8am pies, 9am start jello mold (yes my family has one of those), 9:30 put together stuffing and take turkey out of fridge, etc

        I also build in time to shower and some down time to greet the guests. It’s really important for your family to help entertain the guests if you’re the one doing the primary cooking.

        There will be some guests who want to “help” you in the kitchen. You can either accept their help or tell them you have everything under control, but it’s helpful to have one or two small things that someone insistent on helping you can do, like transfer stuff from baking dishes to serving bowls, for instance. Have an extra apron ready for your helper(s).

        You’ve got this! Just remember thanksgiving is all about comfort food so there is no need to knock yourself out trying something fancy and new.

        1. +1 to timing and writing everything out. Also, unless you have double ovens (I’d kill for those!) minimize sides that need to go in the oven. At this point we only do stuffing, and roasted Brussels sprouts in the oven. Mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans are all stove top. We also add in a salad because it is both easy to come together quickly and doesn’t need heat! Plus it’s nice to have something lighter. Gravy is the PITA part if you make it from scratch with pan drippings, it just can’t be done much ahead of time. But knowing that is the ONLY thing I have to fret over last minute helps a ton.
          Oh – and this sounds silly, but labeling (post its) on your serving platters saves a ton of sanity for me – I can just say mom/aunt/SIL can you spoon the mashed potatoes into the labelled bowl? and nobody is asking ‘which bowl’ ‘what can I do’ etc.

    2. I faced this problem when I cooked my first Thanksgiving meal 100% by myself and I actually googled and found advice about timing and the order to cook things. It was helpful. My main piece of advice is to cook things the day before that can sit in the fridge overnight (like dessert or potatoes).

      1. yes, this is what my mom does. basically the only thing she cooks the day of is the turkey. just about everything else is cooked before and reheated

    3. You’ve already won the battle by thinking about this ahead of time. Look at your side dishes and see where you are cooking them – divide it up between things that need the oven vs. things that can cook on the stove top (but remember how many burners you have/how close they are together so you don’t try and fit all the giant pots next to each other where they just won’t go). Use your grill, too. It’s an oven or a cooktop. Pick some salads or something that requires no heating whatsoever and assign those to other people. (Not now though.
      They’ll think you are nuts. Shh… they’re just jealous of your mad planning skills) They’re going to want to bring something anyway, might as well make it something useful to you and that won’t mess up your Thanksgiving Day schedule.
      Pies/Breads/Any other extra – feel free to buy these, but you’re practicing Thanksgiving in May, so I’m guessing that is a no-go cause you like doing this stuff. If you want to make them, get them done (completely done, no “I just have a few more things to take care of”) the day before.
      Make an actual schedule, working back from when you want to sit down and eat, but allow about an hour extra time to cover delays. So if you want to eat at 3, plan to have everything done at 2, which means the turkey needs to go in at…etc.
      Remember that people are coming to do this because they love you and want to spend time together. There will be disasters. In time, they will be funny stories (cough, the year we locked the turkey in the oven under the self clean cycle). Have fun!

      1. We knocked over the sterno can and lit the food table (buffet style) and tablecloth on fire at thanksgiving last year. It was a bit stressful but was almost immediately a funny story, once the fire was out. No harm done to the food or the kitchen.

    4. Don’t start by trying to do it all. It’s totally possible for people to bring food. Start as you mean to go on. That means everyone brings something. Some people may have a casserole carrier with the hot/cold pack so they had transport food at the appropriate temperature. Many things can be served cold or reheated when they arrive at your place. You can use the warming drawer on your oven to reheat/keep warm, the oven after the turkey comes out, or even just the microwave. If possible, just do the turkey and have other people bring sides and desserts.

        1. I’m not the person you’re replying to but I do have a warming drawer and I’ve never used it at thanksgiving. You’ll be fine without.

          1. The warming drawer is for holding pans :). It is not to be used for its named purpose at Thanksgiving or otherwise.

        2. Your friends and family probably have crock pots that they can bring, to round out the warming options.

        3. Oh wait. The thing below the oven where I store pots and pans, is that actually a warming drawer? I’m serious. I have (bought) a small toaster oven where I warm things.

    5. I mapped mine out on a piece of paper, started with the goal time-to-eat and worked backwards from there. I also used as many different appliances as I could to keep things out of the oven – mashed potatoes in the crock pot, etc. – and didn’t even think about preparing or baking dessert/pies until the “main course” was over (folks need a little time to digest, right?). In my family it’s a tradition to snack on the rolls before the meal, so I always get those done first thing. And +1 to AnonMidwest’s suggestion of using the turkey rest time to heat sides or make gravy or briefly pop what’s left of the rolls in the oven to warm up. Lastly, and probably obviously but just in case, delegate things like pouring wine, setting the table, etc.

      1. +1 to different appliances.

        I try to limit things on the stovetop as much as possible – broadly speaking, things are the stovetop require some level of focus and are being done right before you serve them, and I don’t want to be dealing with more than one or two of those. The more things I can have that are just hanging out in the refrigerator, slow cooker, or oven until they are ready to serve, the better.

        I usually start cooking/prepping/assembling two or three days ahead of time – usually the day before is actually the busiest. I ask guests to bring dessert and wine, and don’t worry too much about what they bring. And lastly, I don’t pressure myself to make everything from scratch – nothing wrong with a side or two that you microwaved and then dumped into a bowl to serve. (I like to heat up a family size tray of Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese – always gets gobbled down just as quickly as the from-scratch stuff I slaved over…)

    6. How many people are coming in? I’ve hosted a few apartment thanksgivings before (small kitchens) and pro tips, depending on the size of your turkey:
      -I’d delegate out any side that can be served cold or only needs to be mildly reheated.
      -Think about what can be made or kept warm in a crock pot or instant pot if you have one (mashed potatoes, green bean casserole even if prepared in the oven and transferred there later) — if you can add a toaster oven (there are some reasonably priced once that will fit a whole pie, for example) that may help as well.
      -Nail down the key dishes (for me, thanksgiving is turkey + my grandmother’s stuffing + green bean casserole + homemade cranberry sauce) and realize it’s okay if not EVERYTHING that would have always been there is there.

      You’ll have a grace period after cooking the turkey to tent it with foil and let it rest and warm some stuff up/finish some rolls or short bake dishes in the oven.

    7. I’ve hosted thanksgiving a lot. My best advice is simplify things – pick the greatest hits sides, no need to do all the sides. I’ve veered off of making turkey, but when I did, you time it to rest while you heat up pre-made refrigerated sides. My menu is usually salad or soup, main, mashed potatoes (I use a church lady recipe that bakes), and a vegetable dish. I buy dessert – usually a classic pie and fancy ice cream.

    8. This has got to be why those La Cornue ovens and Agas have 50 ovens. Reading this, it all seems so practical. You have 4 burners; why not 4 ovens???

    9. Post a burner email and I will send you a menu/timeline document I did a couple of years ago. The timeline allowed me to solely produce a very tasty and elaborate meal. I am a competent home cook, but not some sort of kitchen genius.

    10. I would choose to make all desserts and several sides ahead of time and do the turkey day-of (taking it out in time to rest).

      In theory, it’s lovely when other people bring things, but it may not be worth it. Christmas dinner at MIL’s house was super late one year because SIL showed up at the time MIL was going to serve with a dish that needed to bake for an hour. SIL had good intentions but was trying to do too much (juggling other family members, dealing with a young child, etc.).

    11. Establish a plan, and then back everything up an hour. (Turkey always takes longer than you think.) Borrow another crockpot or two. You can make mashed potatoes in one, heat gravy or a side in another.
      But my most genius tip is make the gravy the weekend before. Roast turkey parts to make broth and have a batch of gravy ready to go so you aren’t making it the day of. Strain any turkey drippings in the gravy at the last minute. This has been a sanity saver, and it’s a relaxing project for a weekend.

    13. Think about your fridge space, too. We have run into issues where there is simply not enough room in the fridge for everything in the 1-2 days leading up to Thanksgiving. If you have a neighbor who will be out of town for the holiday, see if you can use their fridge space and even oven for some of your prep for the actual meal.

    14. My mom hosts everything for my 30+ people family and her biggest trick is doing the turkey in advance. She cooks it the day before, slices it, and then puts it in the crockpot on Thanksgiving to get/stay warm. She adds some broth to make sure it stays moist, but her turkey is never dry (unfortunately, because I actually prefer dry turkey).

      1. I wouldn’t have thought of this. Probably would work with the gravy-averse (and not thwart the gravy lovers).

    15. You’ve gotten a ton of great advice. I just want to mention that 3 lbs chopped green beans cook in the microwave in a closed lid casserole with half a stick of butter in about 10 minutes!

    16. Buy a fresh turkey a few days before Thanksgiving. That’s my #1 tip because a frozen turkey takes sooooo long to thaw and completely throws off your schedule if it’s still frozen.

      Other than that, pick as many things that can be made ahead and don’t need the oven as possible. Prep as much as possible (chopping always takes longer than it should, so get that done the day before). Then map out a schedule for the day of. Magazines always have Thanksgiving meal plans and schedules if you want to follow someone else’s plan.

  12. Where can I find a supportive one-piece swimming suit with a long torso? I’d like something I can wear while chasing kids around, etc. For reference, I’m 5’9″, about a size 4-6, between a C-D cup. Three kids in, I’m a bit self-conscious about a saggy belly, so I want a one-piece. Maybe Athleta? Any favorites?

    2. Lilly Putlizer actually has the cutest strappy one-piece this season. I have a long torso and am of a similar size and it’s so flattering and cute. It really makes me look 10 lbs slimmer.

        1. I have the Isle lattice swimsuit in 3 colors. The Jaspen looks similar but seems less strappy. I also have the Bliss halter tankini top and find it long enough for me. I did have to size up, however, to get the length in the torso I needed.

    3. This is my struggle. The oft-recommended Lands End doesn’t come in small sizes. And most long-torso suits don’t have a lot of chest coverage or support for some reason.
      Athleta is decent, but the suit I have doesn’t have great chest support and they only have a few styles each year. I have found older seasons NWT on eBay, but it’s a bit of a gamble on the returns side
      JCrew has a nice suit with ruching but again, it’s pretty low cut and could do with more support. Other long torso options there have less support
      Boden has 1-2 options a year but same low cut wrap or strapless style.
      Andie introduced a long size for one or two of their suits but not the higher neck styles I was hoping for. They claim some of their standard sizes work for long torsos, but I haven’t tested that claim
      Aerie and Asos also have a few tall sizes but typically more juniors cuts.
      I would love love love more options! I used to do bikinis pre-kids but said kids have destroyed my stomach.

    4. Completely agree with the above commenter re Land’s End, Aerie, and Asos. Looking for small size in tall is a unicorn. Here are my suggestions from last summer’s shopping:

      1. J Crew has cup sizes and tall sizes. That said, I didn’t find anything that worked for me, but you may try there.
      2. These were the two Amazon suits that worked for me.
      I got this in S (I wear 4 Long).
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010F4JVXC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
      I got this in M
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07BP8CZPC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
      3. I discovered long-sleeve onepiece suits, off Amazon too. These are actually my favorite for kid activities, don’t have to worry about exposure or applying sunscreen. The cups are a little weird, but they hold you in.
      I got this in S
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B078S71Q58/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
      I got this in S
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07CMYK4ZL/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

    5. I got the deep dive from Summersalt and like it a lot, though many people said they didn’t like Sunmersalt suits so maybe I’m not very picky. For reference, I’m also 5’9, usually a size 2-4 with A/B cup size.

  13. Advice on bb cream/not super heavy skin makeup –

    I am super pale – armani bb cream in the lightest shade is too dark for me. Any recommendations on a good bb/cc/whatever cream? Want something that covers imperfections but is not super opaque. My skin skews dry.

    Willing to spend money $$ but also very open to drug stores.

    2. I am very pale as well and I like IT Cosmetics CC cream in the lightest shade. It has good coverage for a CC cream but it’s not heavy.

      1. I have similar paleness problems to OP and found the IT CC cream to be very yellow, so be aware it may not work for you if you lean more neutral or pink.

      2. Just sampled this produce this week (in the oil control version of the formula) and based on its performance, am definitely stoked to buy it. It won some sort of reader’s choice award through Allure magazine, which prompted me to try it initially. It wears very nicely for a long day, even with my oily my skin. I tried the “light” shade and noticed there were at least a couple paler ones.

      3. The IT Cosmetics CC comes in 3 different formulas – regular, matte and glowy – and the colour ranges are different from each other. I wear the glowy one in the lightest shade (I am always the lightest shade in every drugstore foundation if I can find a shade at all), but noticed that the lightest shade in the regular and glowy formulas are actually lighter despite having the same name.

    3. I use physicians formula and am pleased with it. First I apply of Olay Sensitive with SPF, then the tinted moisturizer.

    4. I am pale leaning pink and I did an exhaustive search a year or so ago, including advice from this place, when my Dior BB cream was discontinued.

      I ended up with Dr Jart+ Premiuk Beauty Balm in light/medium. It has SPF 45 in a physical only sunscreen. This is a lovely pale shade with no yellow that leaves a dewy finish and my skin loves it.

      The main issue I had with other brands was that they lean too yellow, especially IT cosmetics. I also tried lots of BB creams that for whatever reason settled into my pores and looked awful about 3 hours into my day. The Dr Jart is the clear winner here too. It basically looks the same at the end of the day as it did in the beginning. I can’t recommend it highly enough, and I think several regulars on here use it too (thanks to the ones who pointed me toward it!)

    5. I recently got a sample of Revision Intellishade from my derm. It’s a tinted moisturizer with sunscreen and other anti-aging things. Honestly I really like it. It has very light coverage but still covers redness on my cheeks. I go over blemishes with concealer and then set the whole face with powder. I’ve been using it for about a week and ran out of the sample this morning, its $75 fora full size bottle, but I’m probably gonna go for it.

      1. I am also really pale. It is somehow “one shade fits all”, it doesn’t appear too dark on me, it just looks like my skin.

    6. Another fan of Dr. Jart+ but I use their cicapair color correcting cream. SPF 30, I think. My skin loves it, and it doesn’t make me look made up, but it does even out my skin tone. I’m pale and pink with freckles, if that helps.

      1. The green stuff? I also use that occasionally. It is a trip to put on and be all wicked witch of the west for a few seconds before it does the magic color change.

        1. Yeah, the green stuff! I wear it daily except I’m currently recovering from a sunburn (from not wearing the green stuff — in my defense I was camping and it was really cold, but I should know better) so I’m going completely bare faced.

    8. I use the erborian high definition radiance CC cream and LOVE it. They have some other options and tend to be in stock at sephora, I highly recommend checking their brand out. I am olive skinned so can’t speak to exact color but I found this really easy to match, which is usually tricky for me.

    9. BB cream from Burts Bees in light! I stumbled upon this and it is actually too light for me, which never happens. I wear 1C1 for Estee Lauder Foundation (their lightest color) and the Burts Bees BB cream is right for me in the winter, too light in the summer. It has light-medium coverage. You can find it at Target or online.

    10. I love the Coola matte tint mineral face SPF 30. I don’t find it very matte, so it might work for you. I’m very pale with freckles, and it lets the freckles show through, which I like – so coverage is light.

    11. I appreciate this is very late, but I love – and only use – the YSL BB Cream. I am super pale, and I think it’s the best colour I’ve found.

  14. I came across this article this morning in the NY Times about the gender bias effects of virtual assistants being “female” and I’m really curious what the community here thinks of the article. I was nodding along in agreement while reading, but then realized there might have been an opposite reaction if all virtual assistants had been originally created in a male voice (assumption that men know everything, that male is default, etc). What do you all think?

    https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/22/world/siri-alexa-ai-gender-bias.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur

    1. You’re probably right. But after reading a similar article a while back, I changed my Siri to an Australian dude and it still makes me happy to have an Aussie on my phone.

    2. It’s always bothered me, and I don’t even use these technologies. I think as long as they are called “assistants” and thought of in that way–you say their name and they’re at your service–it’s problematic that they’re all gendered female. If they were called “experts” or “geniuses” or something, and had some prestige or mystique, I bet they’d be default gendered male. (I’m remembering Ask Jeeves, vaguely.)

      I was really creeped out to read that if you tell Alexa she’s hot, she just says “it’s nice of you to say that.” It really reinforces the idea that a woman who is just there to do her job is game for being ogled and catcalled.

      2. It won’t respond to me when I say she’s hot, just does it’s “not listening to you anymore” two-tone thing.

  15. I have three questions to you biglaw (or former biglaw!) ladies about markets and practice groups.

    I’m an associate about 2 years into a financial regulatory practice on the east coast, and my husband and I hope to move to CA sometime 2021 for family reasons. But, I’m quickly realizing regulatory is a niche practice that’s really only on the east coast, minus a handful of banks in CA and fintech over there. I generally like the practice, especially the research/writing, policy aspects, advising clients, but sometimes dread learning particular subjects (hello broker-dealer law), and my reviews in that group have all been great.

    I’ve talked to some recruiters about our timeline and moving to CA and the advice I’m hearing is to become a corporate generalist by doing a rotation in M&A, IP if I can snag it, fund formation or capital markets (my firm would let me rotate). I’d be a fourth year when we want to leave, though in substance I’d have a little under two years of experience as a corporate generalist. Personality wise, I think I’m more suited to a regulatory practice rather than the unpredictability of a deal group, and honestly not sure I like working with contracts much. My husband is a corporate generalist associate and I’ve seen his lifestyle in M&A, too…not something I would like.

    Eventual goal is to just not be at a law firm long-term, I’m not super picky about in-house vs. government, trying to be open in that respect.

    Questions are:
    1. Anyone with experience in a (financial) regulatory practice and moved/is living in CA? What are those exits like in that market, if any? Probably easier to move to a firm first then go in-house?
    2. If you had a choice of what group to move to for flexibility: M&A, IP, funds or capital markets? Assume you don’t like the panic of M&A lol
    3. Somewhat but not totally related: If you could time having kids, would you try for before mid-2021 (before moving to a new market) or while at the current firm, which offers great mat leave? I’ll be early 30s by the time we get to CA, not yet 35.

    Thanks in advance! Apologies for such a long post!

    1. I would target fintech, it’s huge in the Bay Area and there’s definitely a market for regulatory lawyers. Cannabis may also be an option as that market matures.

    2. Several colleagues from my financial regulatory agency have landed in Fintech companies in California, so I’d say that’s your best bet. Global regulatory work is a need in addition to US-focused work.

    3. I can’t speak to the Cal job market.

      But with regards to the third point, I would consider when you would ideally want to have kids absent the move, how many kids you want, how far apart you ideally want them spaced, and when you would like to be done with having kids. Personally, I would be inclined to have the kids before the move assuming you are otherwise ready for kids. I wouldn’t personally want to have a kid in the first year at a new job, especially if I was changing practice areas and already worried about being stressed; the move might get pushed back, which would further delay things; etc. In addition, taking the time away from a firm that you know you are leaving doesn’t have much of a downside. But this all assumes you are otherwise ready to have kids.

    4. Take the great mat leave at your current firm if you can. And start trying now — TTC can take longer than expected, which can be frustrating for people who wait to TTC until they are ready to have a baby Right Now.

      On the career part, I made a total practice area/industry change when I was a 4th year for similar reasons as you — we moved to a different city that didn’t have work in the practice area I had formerly been in. At that junior a level, it’s completely doable, so I’d be open to making a switch. I would also advise not being a generalist but specializing, if you can, in a niche area of law that is big where you are. By the time you’re ready to leave the law firm, hopefully you can get an in-house job in that industry.

      1. On the flip side don’t start TTC if you aren’t ready to have a kid. And don’t believe the myth that it takes a while for birth control to leave your system. I have three friends who got pregnant before they got a period after going of birth control. Not to minimize fertility issues as they are very real and much much more common than people think but also you really don’t know what camp you’re in until you try. So if you would definitely not want a kid now then don’t start TTC

  16. I know some folks have done Whole 30. My doctor recently recommended it and I’m intrigued. I’ve done keto so I feel pretty comfortable eliminating grains and sugar. I’ll miss cheese but that’s really the only dairy I eat. My main hangup is the alcohol. I can commit to not drinking at home or out with friends, but what do you do about dating? I’ve been dating a lot recently and due to my work schedule I usually meet for a drink after work. There aren’t any coffee shops open late in my area, and I don’t want to do an “activity” like mini golf or something because I want to be able to escape quickly if the guy’s a dud. I also REALLY don’t want to explain to a new guy that I’m doing a fad diet. Will ~3 drinks a week significantly derail my Whole 30 plans? Any other ideas for avoiding alcohol without making it a Thing?

    1. I did a Whole30 and found that a lot of restaurants had cool mocktails listed on their c!cktail menu – that’s definitely an option (just read the description carefully for creative ways to phrase added sugar). Or just order a club soda with lime and explain to your date that you have a headache or something. But if you know that you don’t react poorly to alcohol (beyond the normal amount), it’s probably not going to blow anything up to have a glass of wine or two a week (especially if you sip it casually and don’t finish the whole thing).

      1. Curious as to why you’d say anything or blame headache instead of just talking about doing the Whole30 if they asked why no alcohol? Could be a jumping off point for a chat about favorite foods which usually turns into a chat where we’ve traveled and tried different foods.

      2. Seriously I don’t know how you could do any bar’s mocktails on W30. They are all fruit juice and sugary soda. Even if there is some diet version of the sugary soda that’s still a no no.

        To OP maybe make your dates coffee dates for now.

    2. Not familar with the Whole 30 rules but can’t you just order a diet coke or club soda?

    3. What kind of quack doctor are you seeing recommending this fad diet? Why are you even doing Whole30. The disciples will tell you that you can’t drink at all or you’re not doing it. So what is your goal?

      1. Calm down there cowboy, Whole30 is an easy way to explain to a patient what is essentially an elimination diet to determine if anything diet wise is contributing, or if cutting something, could alleviate underlying medical issues. A doctor is not a quack if they suggest an elimination diet and if you’re one of those “only pills and surgery type medicine is medicine” then you’re the quack thinking the food we intake doesn’t affect our health.
        There are millions of people whose digestive issues and acne improved drastically after cutting out sugars, chocolate, gluten, or whatever XYZ item they had an unknown allergy or sensitivity to that would like a word.

        1. This. Thank you. My crohns would have been in remission a lot sooner if I had a doctor like you.

      2. Whole30 is largely a rebranding of a medical elimination diet. I imagine many doctors are fans, since the supportive community and positive spin probably improve compliance. It’s a “glass half full” presentation of what gastroenterologists have traditionally recommended with inadvertent “glass half empty” rhetoric.

      3. Are you the same person who tells everybody with an IF question that they have an eating disorder?

    4. Mocktail or soda and lime and if they ask (they probably won’t notice if you order non-alcoholic or a mocktail off the menu – just don’t use the word “virgin” in your order) just tell them “I’m doing the Whole 30”. Lots of people know what it is and it conveys the message that you aren’t a teetotaler, but rather abstaining for a very short time period. If they inquire further, don’t explain it as a fad diet, but a short sentence about what it also is “it’s an elimination diet to help figure out inflammatory or sensitive foods”.

      1. Again no mocktail that I can think of is whole 30 compliant.

        OP you can do club soda with lime. Any date worth his/her salt is not going to judge you for not drinking.

        1. I am a dater that judges what people eat and drink on a date–in a way. I do not care if you don’t drink and you can eat or not eat whatever you want as long as you don’t make a fuss of it. If you don’t drink I’ll probably ask, but telling me you’re doing Whole30 is the least “bad” answer. A simple, “I’m taking a break from drinking right now” will suffice as well. The break could be a week, 30 days, or 20 years. I don’t care. Just don’t make our first date about your dietary choices unless it’s a mutually interesting topic (it’s usually not).

          1. This. You don’t want to make a big deal about it so that you come off as high-maintenance or someone who has Issues.

          2. How is ordering a club soda making a date about one’s dietary choices. OP is not suggesting that she will demand her date also not drink.

            I think you need to dial down the judgment on your dates if what the other person is ordering affects you so greatly.

          3. I think Anon at 12:20 is saying that she has no problem with whatever her date orders, but if the date turns into a nutrition or temperance lecture she’s going to be annoyed.

          4. I am Anon at 12:20. Anonymous at 12:52 has it right. Ordering a club soda (or elaborate mocktail, flat water, root beer, an obscure IPA, or a wheatgrass shot) is not making a date about one’s dietary choices. What the other person orders/drinks/eats doesn’t affect me until he wants to discuss it at length. I may ask because I’m curious but it’s easy enough to answer the question succinctly and move on–extended justification is not needed, even when asked.

    5. If your doctor is recommending it, it’s probably because it is a good elimination diet to figure out food sensitivities. It’s how I figured out that gluten and I don’t really get along (I know it’s trendy not to like gluten but for me, eating gluten is like an “on” switch for joint pain)

      I don’t think you’re really doing whole 30 if you’re drinking some alcohol. The entire idea is eliminating triggers and seeing if you feel better.

      That said, the 100% ban on alcohol is why I’m not doing another 30 days. I got the information I needed from one round.

    6. You can just tell him you’re taking a month off from drinking. “Dry July”is a thing, as is “Dry January”, if that makes you feel any better. I’ve known a ton of people who’ve done Whole 30. I wouldn’t think twice about someone saying they’re doing it.

      I quit drinking last year for a variety of reasons — and I’m did not have some kind of big drinking problem — it just made me feel horrible and I didn’t like the room it was taking up in my life. I thought it was going to be a big deal, but most people didn’t care.

    7. I honestly don’t think that a few drinks a week (or the cheese) matters. Following a mostly Whole 30 diet is good enough in my eyes. If you find it doesn’t work, you can always go more strict.

    8. I would just say you’re doing a Whole30 when you order your club soda with lime. Most people know what Whole 30 is. Much less awkward than letting your date assume you’re pregnant or in recovery.

    9. Why can you not just say you’re doing Whole30 for a “reset”?? It’s mainstream enough that most people have at least heard of it and will know it means no alcohol. I’d order a club soda with extra lime to avoid the alcohol but still feel like I’m having a cocktail.

    10. I’ve been doing the no-alcohol thing on dates for the past 8 weeks and I just drink club soda.

      1. I always feel weird ordering a “free” drink in a bar though. Aren’t you supposed to buy something to use the space? What if you both want just a club soda?

  17. If you are in a diploma-hanging job/office (ie attorney), did you change the names on your diploma and bar admission certificates after you got married (if you changed your name)? I’m a 2011 law school grad who never framed any of her diplomas or certificates and just lateraled to a firm where it seems everyone hangs theirs. So going to get them framed and hung, but do I change the names first?

    1. Can you even change a name on a diploma? I always thought a diploma was a one and done kind of thing and if you get married/divorced, you just have to explain that you used to be known as ___. Anyway, I would not change the names. I’d say half the female attorneys I know have diplomas or certificates on display with a different name.

      1. You can definitely order new diplomas. I worked in the registrar’s office in college and dealt with this a lot when people lost them or whatever. I don’t remember if name changing was a thing.

    3. Goodness, no. My diplomas have my maiden name and M1, and now I’m M2. They’re just wall decor. No one’s scrutinizing them.

    4. No change on the names and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that. Do universities do that?

    5. No, it’s extremely common to have our maiden name on your diplomas, I don’t know a single person that has changed it to match. That’s the name you had when you graduated, why should your spouse’s name get credit?
      In any case, it’s just not common – I’ve actually read an advice column where the letter writer’s husband threw a conniption that her degrees did not display her maiden name and was punishing her with silence and pettiness. The advice columnist and commenter consensus was “misogynist” and “appalling”.

    7. Some schools will change the names on request, but most people don’t do it. I did change mine when I got divorced – I did the first 2 years of law school under my maiden name and was married for one, then divorced 2 years into practicing, so my married name felt like an aberration and I wanted it gone.

    8. NAL, but I started dating my husband in sophomore year of college (he was a senior at the time) and once our relationship had moved along some, I explicitly told him more than once, “If you ask me to marry you before I’ve graduated, I’ll say no.” (I am a one-thing-at-a-time kinda gal.) I later realized that that sounded kinda harsh, and brought it up again to apologize for phrasing it that way. He said, “No no, I agree with you. Your diploma should have *your* name on it. I didn’t get those degrees.”

      I did take his name after we got married, so it is now my name, but I always appreciated that sentiment, and so yes, my diploma is perched on top of my file cabinet with my birth name on it. I am vast, I contain multitudes (of names). And so do you – own it!

      1. “I am vast, I contain multitudes (of names). And so do you – own it!”
        I LOVE this line. Thanks for putting this in my head!

    9. I changed the names on my bar admission certificates when I called to change my name with the state bars (during the phone call I just asked that they send me a new certificate with my new name), but I don’t think you even can change your names on your diploma.

    10. I think you can do this by contacting your university and requesting a diploma replacement. If I google “X University diploma replacement”, info comes up for my school! Good luck!

      1. Not if you went to NYU. Our diplomas came with an odd and sternly-worded insert that no matter what, this was the one diploma that they’d be giving out.

        1. …so I commented above about changing my name on my diploma, and that was at NYU, about 7 years ago. There’s an entire section on their website about name changes after conferral of the diploma, including due to marriage and divorce.

    11. My undergrad definitely lets you order, for something like $150, a second diploma with your new name (not sure about the state bar or law school policies). I’ve never known anyone who has done it.

      However, I will say that someone told me this one about hanging diplomas in your office – (paraphrasing here) “people usually hang them on the wall that they look at when they are sitting at their desk. However, you should hang them on the wall that is behind you/the wall people look at when they are sitting down to talk to you at your desk (so, generally behind you). You already know what those diplomas say, let everyone that comes into your office look at them and be impressed. For the wall you look at, hang something interesting/inspiring/pretty that you actually want to look at.”
      Obviously, this is a know your office thing – if the only thing people have on their walls is their own diplomas, then I’d follow that lead. But I am glad that I’m looking at artwork that makes me happy 10+ hours a day and not my diplomas.

    12. No one I know has changed the names on their diplomas. On mine, I have my birth name on my college degree, both my birth last name and my married last name on my law degree (even though that isn’t even my name haha (since I just took my husband’s last name), but the school said I could put both so I did.) and then just my married name on my bar admission certificate. I like how it shows both names across my wall, but wouldn’t worry about it if it only had birth name or only married name.

      1. I was married/took husband’s name before law school. My diplomas have both my birth last name and new last name, as a nod to all three parties who helped make it happen (my parents, my SO, and his parents). My law license includes both as well, though my actual listing on our bar association’s licensing database is my actual name.

        In any case, you can update them if you want, but probably better off using that $$$ for the framing. It can get pricey!

  18. I’m leveling-up at work and taking on a more senior role and title. I’d like to make sure my presentation matches the role, and thus am seeking advice on how to convey more gravitas in my personal presence. Would welcome any advice from those of you who made/are making this shift. So far, I: wear glasses, try to to speak low and clearly without upspeak, wear blazers and heels pretty much every day. But I’m in my early 30s and ‘read young’.

    1. Can you explain what you mean by “read young”?

      There is a difference between having great skin and not having adapted to adult norms.

      1. By ‘read young’ I mean I have great skin, no wrinkles and people assume I am 26-28 (a good problem to have, I realize). I’m about 5’4, so also not pulling in extra authority from height. I can confirm adaptation to adult norms.

        1. Be a sharp dresser, get a great haircut, enjoy the heels while your feet can take them, and know that you will benefit years down the road when you’re 55 an everyone thinks you are ten years younger.

    2. What is your hair like? What makes people “read young” to me these days is often their hair. Hair that does not look like it’s had a trim in a long time, or is unbrushed or wet when you arrive at office, grown out highlights, etc. It might just be my office building (occupied by a big tech company and a large consulting firm) but there seem to be so many women who have put effort into their outfit and makeup but haven’t even brushed their hair. It makes them look sloppy and disorganized, and therefore less professionally competent.

      1. This is helpful feedback. Actually, I’m growing out some fringe/bangs because I do think it made me look younger/more cutesy. I have shoulder length, lightly layered hair that tends to frizz :/. I’ve noticed c-suite women seem to either have a sleek bob or extremely well-defined shoulder length waves. I’m not sure if either look is practically achievable for me but I hear you on at least brushing!

      2. I agree with everything you’ve written, while also feeling that this outlook is wildly ableist, usually racist and sexist, and a sure sign that people have no better, more objective way to evaluate someone’s work or value. But so long as that’s office culture, I agree that hair is at least as important as shoes.

      3. Yeah, what is the thing with intentionally not brushing the hair. There’s a young woman I work with who looks out together but has the messiest looking hair – and I know she does care about her hair because she asked me for a hair stylist recommendation and got a cut and color with him – but it’s like she literally does not brush or comb her hair. Is this a lewk?
        (Not an “ethnic hair” issue by the way, she’s white)

        1. My hair doesn’t look picture-perfect and I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s not going to stay perfectly brushed if you’re commuting or moving around. I think maybe people aren’t using hair products like they used to shellac it into place.

          1. No I’m talking has slept on hair and hasn’t brushed it in days. Seriously. I don’t brush my hair after I leave the house in the morning and I don’t “shellac” it – I don’t use any products in it at all – so I know what that looks like. But this is serious bedhead.

          2. There seems to be an obsession among many young women with not washing their hair for days and days and days, and just depending on dry shampoo and other products to make it look “nice.” I know there are people with hair texture/dryness/scalp dryness issues who should shampoo infrequently, but many of the women I see, well, they really could stand to wash their hair a bit more often.

            So you get this build up of product which makes the hair look very dull, and maybe too much brushing makes the oil more noticeable, so they throw their hair up in a messy bun or ponytail (and not the Meghan Markle “messy” bun), and it just looks kind of unkempt.

    3. Except for the glasses, you could be my new manager. I would not try to alter your voice much or you will sound like Elizabeth Holmes.

      1. Elizabeth Holmes was the first thing I thought of. I wouldn’t try to imitate things for gravitas. Gravitas comes with time. There’s also benefits to being young – you’re perceived as “on trend” and current. Use that to your advantage. I’d focus on being good at your job and nice to work with. The rest will come with time.

    4. I recently learned that many of the mid-level female partners at my firm get regular blowouts. That explains why they look so nice and put together but I cannot imagine taking the time for that when you already are working so much, have a family, etc. As a more junior woman, it really bummed me out that this kind of extra work is expected or the norm.

  19. Maybe someone in hive land can help because they’ve done something similar… I’m about two weeks away from having someone come out and quote some flooring for us and I just need a reasonable plug-in number for some budgeting…

    – 20×20 family room – pull up existing tile and replace with hardwood (oak plank, nothing over the top – just matching existing flooring elsewhere in the house)
    – sand and refinish a 500 square feet in two other first-floor rooms

    Any remove ballpark? I’m in a Boston suburb if that matters.

  20. I recently made a presentation at work. I was part of a team (of mostly men) but I led the presentation. I received some feedback that I’m not sure what to do with. I was told that I did a great job substantively but I looked too “demure”. I wore a dark, textured suit with a light blue silk top; the men wore dark suits too. We’re all lawyers and it was a formal presentation so everyone was in their normal court room attire.

    I’m so confused by this comment. Like should I have flashed some cleavage? It was suggested that I should get a suit in a bold statement color like red. I’m pale and blonde and I can’t wear red. I also kind of hate that apparently I have to spend hundreds of dollars and hours of my time on a suit (and I already hate suits) that I will never wear in court or any other occasion just because I’m a woman. The whole thing just makes me feel exhausted and angry. What do I do here?

    1. Nothing? I ignore this kind of “feedback.” I am who I am and I’m not changing. Who did this feedback come from? A big revenue generator (in which case maybe I’d play ball — not with a red suit but like with some accessories or a red shirt under a suit or something) or some HR babe who brings in $0 for the firm?

      2. The person who gave the feedback was in the meeting (so an important person) and is a woman. The person who told me, also a woman, is friends with some of the people who were in the meeting. I picked her brain to see if she had heard anything and she said that was one of the comments. Literally the word demure.

    2. I would totally ignore this gendered criticism and if it is brought up again, I would point out how gendered it is.

      You wore the uniform, you did the thing. Next.

    3. Tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine.* That is unprofessional, sexist hogwash and I’m sorry it happened to you.

      *Apply grain of salt here. But your attitude in your own head should definitely be “nope nope nope.”

    4. This sounds insane. I’m blonde too and would never buy a red suit. Maybe a bolder top? Or I have mid-blue suit I really like. But also, who is giving you this feedback? Does it matter? Can you push back on it a little? It sounds extremely problematic to me.

    6. Is it possible it was about body language and not your clothes? Maybe it’s more about posture, the volume of your voice, and how you use your hands? I’ve been told before to take up more space in order to build presence. Because of this, I laughed out loud at the scene in Knock Down the House where AOC is sitting on her couch in front of her partner, waiving her arms around, and muttering about taking up space, before her TV debate.

      1. This was my thought–I would guess (based on very little info) that it is more about your posture and presence than your clothes. It could also be related to how you responded to questions or comments from the audience, which to my ear comes out sounding like you’re insecure (even if you’re not). You might need to amp up your outfit a bit, too, but I’d target accessories and your blouse over the actual suit. I’d completely disregard the red suit suggestion.

      2. Actually, I missed on first read that they told you to get a red suit. That is ridiculous and awful. I second the combat boot idea below! ;)

      3. Totally late on this… I will say in defense of the bold suit, in my firm the younger lawyers typically where the standard dark BR/Limited-when-it-existed suits and over time women start wearing more of a statement suit. It could be a way of saying to up your clothing game. In non-gendered fairness – we’ve had off the record discussions with guys about it is time to stop shopping at Men’s Warehouse.

    7. That’s horrible and disgusting. You’re not there to be their eye candy. I would 100% escalate the issue.

      2. Hard disagree. Until you are in senior management it’s not worth using your political capital to fight this. Disregard, be pissed, adjust in a way you think is actually helpful, whatever, but I would not escalate. I am 100% being selfish for your sake but I also just don’t think it will have an impact until you are quite senior.

    8. who exactly gave you this feedback? was it written or verbal? who cares what color your suit is for a presentation! i know those things can matter for jury trials or if you’re appearing on tv, but this sounds beyond ridiculous. it was almost like they felt the need to criticize something, but since you did well on the presentation, they came up with something silly

    9. Was the word “demure” actually used? My first thought would be that the person who said it doesn’t know what the word means, and meant to say something more like “retiring” (unless that person was also the red suit person, in which case, tell him you’ll get one as soon as he does).

      Anyway, it’s definitely s*xist nonsense and you should just dye your hair purple :-P

      1. Agreed. I would take this as a sign to buy the doc marten boots I’ve been eyeing and wear them every day. They’d be so good for standing on men’s necks.

      2. Yes the word demure was used. I’ve gone purple before but I was 17. The early 2000s are back, right?

    10. I would assume this is less about your clothing and more about your body language.

    11. I’d be SO tempted to ask if I should wear a Playboy Bunny suit the next time. Ignore.

  21. Ladies, I would appreciate your advice! Mid-level transactional biglaw associate here. I’ve had some health issues this year that have resulted in my needing to take medication that pretty much knocks me out/makes it difficult to function at night. Given the nature of the job, I am finding I can’t take the meds because I need to be alert for work. I’m tired of partners dictating my health and sleep schedule – what is the best way to handle this? Would a doctor’s note help or will this just put me on the chopping block? Thanks in advance!

    2. I don’t know from the Big Law culture side/how badly they will treat you, but I can tell you that from the employer side, hearing “I can’t work late at night because I take a medication that makes me tired at night, can I please do my work during the day?” … that sounds pretty much like a classic reasonable accommodation request, and if my employer-client asked me about it, I would say, “yes, you should grant that accommodation.”

      1. At my firm (biglaw) this would be workable if the issue is short-term, and probably wouldn’t hurt you, but would be challenging if the OP will be on this medicine forever. Part of what we get paid for is being available to respond to emergencies/short-fuse needs, which often means working at night.

    3. Agree with other poster – is this a short term on long term issue?

      Have you already tried other treatments / discussed this problem with your doctor? There are very few instances where this level of side effect would be considered acceptable.

      Because if part of your job is essentially needing to work at night / be on call / deal with off hour urgent requests, to ask to be excluded from this requirement may not be a reasonable accommodation. So I would think strongly about changing jobs. Of course, you can always ask for the accommodation, but I would expect it might not be well received.

  22. I have a dilemma, I’m not sure how to handle it. I work in a small department, which consists of 3 people. One of my colleagues is extremely unprofessional and does the bare minimum, browses the internet all day, does personal work. Whenever someone comes around my colleague will quickly change screens and pretend to be working on something. I know I shouldn’t let this bother me, however I cannot swallow how this person considers themselves a professional. He/she doesn’t is absolutely not an asset to our team, yet loves to be included in things that are of interest to him/her. Frankly, I find this behaviour to be insulting to the rest of our peers who are actually working for their dollar. Don’t get me wrong everyone takes a break here and there, which I think is completely normal. However when someone asks you for something and your response is “Sure, I’ll get to it” and then the person walks away and you revert to browsing, I do not think that is acceptable. He/she lies about how much work they’ve gotten done and how they work off hours, when our boss is around he/she acts very different. It’s all just incredibly frustrating. I don’t have anything personal against this person, it is simply the work ethic that I cannot deal with. How do you handle a person who is being paid to do nothing?

    1. Welcome to the real world? This is how it is. If you don’t have hiring/firing authority, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s about to management to figure it out and deal with it, and usually if the work is getting done by the other 2, mgmt. won’t be all that quick to deal with it. I wouldn’t put myself in the position of being the person that tattles or “hints” that this person does nothing. If you don’t have capacity to take on more, say that, and let the work fall on her and she can do it or not and deal with mgmt. if she doesn’t do it/doesn’t do it well etc.

    2. You’re giving this colleague way too much of your energy. It sounds like her work habits are really annoying, but it’s not really your business. This isn’t your battle to fight.

      If she’s really spending all day browsing the internet, then she wouldn’t get any work done, or it would be badly done. Unless her work is actually affecting you in some direct way, then I really think you should try to find some way to get past it.

    3. I think it’s not your circus, not your monkeys unless you supervise this person. If they’re really doing nothing, then they’re likely to get fired eventually, or at least not promoted/not receive raises. If your workplace is really fine with them doing nothing, maybe it’s time for you to seek out a new workplace that puts more emphasis on rewarding people who do their jobs well.

    4. Taking a page out of Ask a Manager’s book: Unless you’re a manager or their work ethic is directly affecting your projects/work it’s not your issue to handle. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It’s irritating, sure, but you have no power over this person, and silently seething is only going to negatively affect your performance.

    5. I’ve always f’ed around a lot at work – lots of internet browsing. And I’ve always been rated a high performer, gotten a lot of work done and done well. The two are not necessarily related. Gently, mind your own business. You are not this person’s manager.

      1. Yeah, this is kinda me. I waste gobs of time, but I always deliver a good work product on time.

      2. Yeah I wonder if I’m your co-worker. What’s the Office Space quote about doing 4 hours of actual work a week? I get my stuff done though, and my (our?) boss is happy, so MYOB.

        1. I am also wondering if I am the coworker in this instance… but my work is done on time.

      3. Same (obviously, considering I’m on this s!te at work). OP needs to mind her own business.

        1. Ha, same, hi. I mean, my Boss has hinted “as long as you keep doing good work, IDGAF how much time your butt is in the chair” but also we have a strong butt-in-chair office culture here, so I feel pretty fine knowing that when I’m busy, my nose is to the grindstone and I churn out great work, and when I’m not, well, hi!

      4. Me too. What is not apparent on the surface is that I often use the “down” time to think through ideas about the best way to accomplish whatever big task is on my plate. I might spend 3 days without any visible progress then on the 4th day I have the details all worked out and complete the entire thing, while colleagues take a solid week of slow work to accomplish less.

      5. I’m so glad to read all these comments. I’m the same way, but I still feel guilty about it sometimes. But I think I’m getting at least as much, if not more, done than my colleagues.

    6. If they are having issues delivering work, management will deal with it. Otherwise I don’t think it’s a big deal.

    7. OP, are you really new to the working world? Because this is just how it is. It’s not your problem to deal with; don’t let it take up your valuable mental energy. And unless this person’s lack of work is directly affecting you, I don’t think you can be sure if this person is failing or not.

  23. I went on a week-long work trip recently and was startled to realize that I thought quite seriously about cheating on my spouse. I did not take any concrete steps, but I definitely planned out in my head how it could work. I’m back now and feel awful, like I did something wrong. Is this normal? How do you cope with feelings like this?

    1. I guess I’m confused. Was it just like…you met an attractive guy and were fantasizing? Because I think that’s pretty normal. Or were you actually with someone and taking steps in the direction of an affair but stopped just short of doing anything physical? The latter seems much more problematic. I wouldn’t worry too much about what your mind is up to.

  24. Anyone else here (esp in law) that ALWAYS has a hard time getting jobs? I feel like everyone here and everyone IRL is always like — oh just go in house or lateral to another firm — whenever sometime comes up where you’re not happy with your job. Reality is these moves for me have NEVER happened and IDK why. I got firm offers out of OCR, stayed at the same firm for 8 years — vault 25, in NYC, in litigation — always got top reviews etc. but didn’t have the sponsorship you need for partner. Took me 2 YEARS to land another job that is just ok. And now at this job it’s like — how will I move on, ever? I’m actually thinking of leaving law for the reason that it is SO hard for me to move around in a way that business jobs don’t appear to be. But then I like law and in a different job I could be happy, so it’s like do I want to leave behind the entire profession?

    IDK what I’m doing wrong — went to a top 10 law school; law review; federal clerk; ivy undergrad; etc. I’m also a generally likeable person and I do ok at the networking thing, but obviously not ok enough that anyone actually hires me. I always get the — your credentials are GREAT but we’re going another way. Anyone else feels this way? And then I read about others who are like — oh I had no tech experience but just knew I wanted to be in house at a tech firm (not my interest) and they land there; or people who landed in a regional biglaw firm or whatever whereas I don’t even see those options. Am I just too senior (15 years out) in a profession that values young people doing doc review/writing memos? I feel like I want to give it one more shot to find a good job in law before I call it quits — will take all tips as to how to do that.

    1. I am a GC with pretty much a “dream” in-house job. I work 8-5, no weekends, make good money and have great clients. It took 6 YEARS to land this position, and I was already in house. There have been countless rejections along the way. I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I would get relatively far along the interview process but they’d always head in another direction. Some of them really hurt. I did not receive any other offers other than this one. (Thank God – I might have taken it and not have gotten this one.)

      Just keep plugging away. You’ll get there.

    2. I’ve had the same issue throughout my career – great resume, but I have difficulty getting job offers. It is very frustrating. When I’ve asked, no one has given me useful feedback about interviewing skills (except for one person). I wonder if it’s a confidence issue for me. Is there any chance it’s something similar for you?

    3. Honestly it’s a saturated field at least on the coasts, and I think it’s harder for most of us to move around than we let on. Keep plugging away. My story is nearly identical to yours including credentials and not making partner and leaving with a job. Took me 15 MONTHS to land a job and this was in 2014-2015 not in the 2008-09 recession. Networked CONSTANTLY, applied to 195 jobs, got TWO offers. Guess what — I’m not sharing this IRL. I think we should share because it would make others feel like — it isn’t just me. But I don’t share because everyone else walks around saying — oh I’ll just leave, it’ll take me 2 seconds to get a job etc. — so why should I share that for me it’s a tough time? Now having been to the search process twice (once post biglaw; and now sort of starting casually while in government), I realize that 90%+ of people out there are lying about how easy it is for them. Sure there’s that 5-10% that is just SO likeable or SO well connected that people just create jobs for them, but for the rest of us, it is a slog. I too am considering leaving law because of it and yet I’m not 100% sure on that.

    4. I’m not a lawyer but I struggle with the same thing. It’s like people think jobs just grow on job trees.

    5. The thing that sticks out to me is that you discuss your credentials and your top reviews but not what you’ve actually done or expertise you’ve developed. Which I totally get may be because you want to stay anonymous and is something that comes through in interviews, but that could also be the issue. 15 years into your career, you need to be able to point to something you bring to the table other than being a smart person (which is what top schools + clerkship indicates).

      Could the issue be that you’re being too selective about what jobs you think are appropriate for you, given your academic and professional background? Once you’re passed over for partner, it may be time to reconsider what salary range and job-prestige-level is actually available to you. Why is your current job “just ok”? What kind of law job do you think you would prefer? I agree that your options at law firms are pretty limited, unless you have something that the partners can sell to clients. Maybe target really big, busy firms who might be willing to slot you into a counsel role.

      Have you worked with recruiters at all? What do they say? Are you open to changing cities? NYC is a highly competitive legal market that is teeming with T10 law grads with stellar credentials. Perhaps in another market your resume would capture more interest.

      1. This. It’s this exact judging that makes people think it’s them. Something MUST be wrong with them. I’m fairly sure that an ivy grad with 15 years experience HAS a specialty and has areas of interest and maybe they don’t want to get into it if they think coworkers read here; they know enough to talk to recruiters; and have some realistic idea that being partner at Cravath is out. But I hope it makes you feel better to point out to this person that they just don’t get it and are doing it wrong.

        1. I mean, OP said, “will take all tips as to how to do that.” I’ve given some tips, which she is free to disregard as inapplicable or unfair.

          I don’t think anything is wrong with OP, but if she’s not getting the results she wants, something is wrong with either (1) her approach to pursuing those results or (2) her wants.

          Or I guess I could just be super helpful and say, “Oh my gosh, I hear you girl, the job market SUXXX, time to give up and pursue something else!!” Except that’s not what OP wants or asked for.

        2. Actually, if this is the poster who always complains about missing out on partnership bc of “nepotism” and looks down on her colleagues for discussing homemade salsa recipes, it really is about her.

          That aside, my tip would be to try to stop your bitterness from seeping through during your networking and interviews. I’ve definitely had slip-ups that cost me several job opportunities while I was interviewing to get out of a toxic workplace. Practice discussing your current and former workplaces in general pleasant terms, no matter how you really feel about them.

          3. Yeah, the syntax is recognizable. Also, Ash is correct. What do you want us to tell OP? “Aww, sorry hun. Yeah, it just blows all around. Keep at it! Hugs!” How is that helpful.

          5. The way she uses dashes is characteristic of the person who has posted here many times about how she didn’t make partner, took a job she thinks with beneath her with co-workers that she also thinks are beneath her, and believes her life is over at like 40. She’s been advised many times to get therapy to help her develop a most positive outlook on her own situation and other people. I immediately thought that’s who this was just from the writing style.

      1. Yeah, are you the same person who is also posting about her “aspy” daughter and her stove? Are you sure you aren’t on the spectrum and exhibiting off-putting behavior in interviews?

        1. I think the syntax is pretty different than the person who is convinced her daughter is “Aspy” but I agree both posters are super hung up on their respective issues.

    7. Try mid-size law firms in mid-sized cities. Apply broadly, in areas related to your current work (government, I seem to recall). Consider being a professor (undergrad, law school, business school).

      I also think you should think about what kinds of work skills you are good at. Do you excel at the substantive work, but struggle with office politics? Are you good at bringing in clients and managing client interactions? Do you thrive on adrenaline or do you prefer more evenly-paced work?

      This is not an exercise in what you want to do (except for the last one) – it’s about what you are good at. These are the things you need to understand about yourself, so that you can choose jobs that fit your skill set and “sell” yourself to an employer.

      “I don’t like my government job because the work is too easy” makes you sound insufferable – not saying you would do that. “When under tremendous pressure, I sort of click into another gear and thrive” (change wording a bit) is something a litigation firm would want to hear.

  25. Going off a discussion from a few days ago about relationships with a sister-in-law…do any of you have trouble with SILs?

    My husband’s sister is single (she’s mid-forties), and she and my husband are pretty close. I like my SIL a lot, but I don’t think she has enough boundaries. She lives in the same city as us. I think that since she doesn’t have her own family, we are still her “people”, if that makes sense. So she wants to spend a lot of time with us. It gets to be too much.

    My husband is pretty good about it. I definitely feel like I’m his “number 1 girl”. But sometimes I overhear their conversations, and his sister will give her opinion about things in our family. That drives me bonkers. I don’t care how many kids she thinks we should have! It’s just strange — I don’t want her to be lonely or not feel included, but at the same time it sucks that she ends up kind of being part of our immediate family.

    Anyone feel me?

    1. Wow as a single sister this is brutal. He is her immediate family! If the time is too much, talk to your husband about saying no more. Don’t bash her for like being friendly and close with her brother!!! Also get off your high horse and stop judging her for being single.

      1. This. If it is too much for you, that is a discussion to have with your H. She’s not telling you how many kids to have, she’s telling her brother her opinion on the matter. If it bothers him, he can tell her to butt out…but maybe he wants to know what she thinks. Maybe he values his sister’s opinion, even if you don’t. Of course you are her people, he is her brother. If you don’t want to have certain conversations with her and she brings them up when you are around, then change the subject and ask your H to do the same in future situations. If you’re not part of the conversation and it bothers you then quit listening!

      2. Really didn’t mean to offend. I don’t care at all whether she’s single. And I really do like my SIL. She’s funny and kind and I enjoy her company.

        I’m glad for her to be close to her brother. But it just seems like too much that we need to hang out at the very least once per week.

        Yes, she is my brother’s sister. She is not my immediate family and not my kids’ immediate family.

        The simple fact is that if she was married or had kids, then more of her time and attention would go to them. Because she hasn’t taken that path, she instead invests her time and attention with us. Yes, maybe that sounds a little judgey, but I only really care about whether or not she’s single because it has ended up affecting me. So I don’t apologize for that!

        1. I think one big issue is that you have categorized her so distinctly apart from your family in your head. She feels like an outsider intruding because you have deemed her such. And your husband lives there too. How would you feel if he said your mother can only come to your home once a month, not because she did anything wrong but because “she’s not close enough family to the majority of the home dwellers”. You need to reassess what family means to you if you want to foster a healthy relationship for your children between family that is not you or your husband. This is how, in part, people end up alone when they’re old – not having close family because their parents pushed them away for stupid reasons.

      4. This reminds me of a situation in my family, and also in real housewives of New Jersey (stick with me, a lot of my life examples involve real housewives) where Teresa is all jealous that her brother is prioritizing his wife over her. She said “stick wit your faaamily” with ZERO awareness that the woman he married and their children together are now his family. In fact, she doubled down on this several more times over various episodes and reunions.

        Any family dynamic where siblings think their relationship with you should take priority over your marriage and children is a dysfunctional one. And obviously, the stuff of reality TV.

    2. My husband doesn’t have a weirdly close relationship with his sisters but they do with him.

      That sounds illogical but how it plays out is that they tag him and comment on all of his truly scant social media stuff, mainly Facebook, and will have long reminiscing conversations with each other about “remember when our family did this and that” on posts unrelated to whatever they’re talking about. For instance, even when a school friend my husband hasn’t talked to in decades tagged him in an old pic, the sisters where there to talk to each other about their brother’s childhood, in a post where 20+ people were tagged. *facepalm*

      In short, they have no social media boundaries. But he does. He doesn’t even use social media much.

      So they bring it on over to mine, to the point where friends of mine are like “who the heck are Sharon and Karen?” (names changed) because they comment so much.

      The big disconnect is that they have these golden memories of their childhood years and my husband doesn’t. My husband was considered a discipline problem and was sent away to boarding school. They would like to gloss over all of that, and of course it didn’t happen to them so why worry.

      We limit contact with them to birthdays and holidays and my husband is pretty much off social media and I have greatly reduced mine just because of these issues. We have our privacy settings up really high.

      The big thing that helped, believe it or not, was our support for Hillary in 2016. They are both big conspiracy theory believers, pizzagate, etc, so it totally turned them off of both of us and I believe they unfollowed us. That means the random convos happen less frequently now.

      Sorry I launched into a whole my story here. I think the lesson I can offer you is to ask your husband to enforce boundaries with his sister. She doesn’t need to be at your house alllll the time. Be busy sometimes even if you aren’t. Schedule family time that doesn’t include others. And ask him not do discuss your marriage with his sister. That feels out of bounds to me.

    3. Nope. They have a good relationship. Maybe a visit to the therapist will help you figure out why you want sole possession of him.

      1. I think this is more than just “having a good relationship.” Giving her brother opinions about how many kids he and his wife should have is over the line.

        1. Ok come on. Sure if she’s talking about him and his wife specifically trying or something like that, yeah that’s too much. But you’ve NEVER heard people casually say — 3 is the new 2; with an only child you could travel and save a lot for college; wouldn’t twins be cool? Come on. You just want to hate on her because it’s his sister. You didn’t get the impression that they’re talking about anything super personal re family planning or that they’re talking about your health details.

        2. I disagree. As the poster upthread said, he is her immediate family, and I feel like it’s pretty normal for immediate family to weigh in on stuff like this, provided it’s all in good fun and not expected to be actually acted on.

          1. It wouldn’t be ok to me, and I’m glad it’s not ok to my husband either. I feel like different families have different cultures and attitudes about boundaries, and that extends to stuff like this. It’s fine if you feel differently, but OP is allowed to feel how she feels and I don’t think it’s objectively unreasonable to be irritated by this or that she needs therapy to deal with it. (I’d also add that a lot of people struggle with infertility and I don’t think comments like “when are you going to have a second kid?” are ever “in good fun.”)

          2. It is not normal for one’s siblings to weigh in on one’s reproductive choices. Also, his wife is his immediate family, not his sister.

            My SIL has an expression: “protect the nuclear.” Your nuclear family–you, your spouse, and your children–comes first. Everyone else is extended family.

          3. It’s on OP to discuss with her husband what topics are okay and not okay to discuss with family outside the marital relationship. Let’s keep in mind this was a private conversation between a brother and sister that the wife happened to listen in on. She didn’t march up to OP and say “you need more kids”. It probably naturally came up, that’s normal.
            And honestly, I’m not sure what you guys talk about with family if someone isn’t allowed to have an opinion on family related matters. Your husband is allowed to seek advice from someone he trusts.

          4. I am with Anonymous at 12:27. The marital relationship is the most important one, and NO ONE gets to nose into your uterus.

            There are a lot of foolish people out there who “chase two rabbits.” You can’t.

          5. I agree with Anon at 12:59 p.m. I wouldn’t want my SIL badgering me about my reproductive choices, but in the alternate universe in which I had a sibling to which I was close, I would feel free to have a private conversation about it with him/her.

            On the other hand, yes I completely agree that spouses’ first loyalty is to one another so I think OP should discuss this with her husband.

          6. But “protect the nuclear” has a siege mentality that I think is unnecessarily dramatic. Being close with your extended family is not bad for your nuclear family. I’m close with my family. So much so that they’ve agreed to watch my kids so that my husband and I can go on vacation alone for a week. Being close to my family is a boon to my marriage. It’s not a zero sum game.

          7. “(I’d also add that a lot of people struggle with infertility and I don’t think comments like “when are you going to have a second kid?” are ever “in good fun.”)”

            One of my favourite sayings is that no one is ever as excited for your wedding as the bride and groom. A corollary to that is no one is ever so crushed by infertility as the couple trying to conceive. Another corollary: only one person’s body is harmed by pregnancy, and it’s not the people sticking their noses into the couple’s business. One’s desire to for little jokey-jokes ought to take a backseat to the couple’s real need to work through their heartbreak or a woman’s need to take care of her own health.

          8. “Protect the nuclear” is very harsh on someone like me. Once my one surviving parent dies, I will have nobody “protecting” me. I really hope people can be kinder and more generous to their single, child-free family members–who do, as has been pointed out, make lots of contributions when others need them.

        3. +1
          That’s a very personal decision to be made by the couple, not a sibling, even if a well-meaning one.

        4. I completely disagree. It is up to brother to set the boundaries that matter to him. If brother’s wife (OP) wants things to stay private, then she should tell H how she feels and he (as OP’s H) should honor those boundaries/privacy as to certain matters. Sister chiming in about her opinion is just that, her sharing her opinion. If OP doesn’t want to hear it, she can either change the subject and/or ask H to shut down group conversations on the subject. I suspect that sister will get the message. [For full disclosure, I am Anon at 12:37 up thread.]

        5. Sister: I want 9 kids. (not joking nearly as much as one would hope)
          Me: Ok, but I’m not buying 9 kids Christmas/birthday presents.
          Sister: What about 3 kids?
          BIL: Let’s see how the first one goes?

          /perfectly normal family conversation

          1. The way I ended up with a kid was basically…

            Me: [explains to sister a weird career thing that would result in my having ~16 months to do whatever, as long as I earned some money — but no need for career growth and ok to have some extended time off]… but like, what do I *do* between now and next August?
            Sister: IDK, have a kid?
            …
            Me to Husband: when I was talking to Sister, she pointed out this would be a great time. so, IDK, wanna have a kid?
            Husband: yeah, sounds great!

        6. I mean, sure, it crosses a line, it’s super impolite, and it would annoy me too. But this is sort of how a lot of people are with their immediate family members. As long as SIL is saying these things to DH and not to OP then I think that’s the best you can hope for. OP can certainly complain to internet strangers and her friends about SIL’s weird boundaries, though.

      2. I don’t want sole possession of him. I just think more boundaries are in order. As I said, I do like SIL; I just think she should be less involved with my family.

        1. It is your right to want that and it is between you and your H to find mutually agreeable boundaries to set with SIL. If you were my SIL it would hurt my feelings. I am single and don’t have an immediate family other than my siblings and parents. It sucks sometimes (often and a lot, really). I am very glad to have a SIL who is more welcoming than you are (so far, I work hard to keep those relationships strong and happy). If her relationship with your H is bothering you or actually having an impact on you or your marriage, you need to discuss with H.

          If it has little or no impact on you and you just think she *should* have more of a life outside of your family, well, too bad, go judge someone else for their life decisions/luck/circumstances. (I’m sorry to be a bit snarky, but…well, it’s hurtful to hear and I really hope my siblings and their spouses don’t feel this way about me ever.)

    4. I’m civil but not friends with my SIL but thankfully my husband is the same way (they’ve never been close and as far as I can tell, nothing about their relationship changed when we started dating). We see her once a twice a year for a day or two at a time at major holidays and make polite chit-chat. She has a long-term BF who I really like and I actually feel closer to him than I do to her. He and I aren’t super close or anything, since we don’t see each other much, but he’s always warm and friendly to me at the family gatherings. I’m jealous of my friends who are BFFs with their SILs, but at the same time I’m glad she’s not overbearing like your SIL.

      1. Nope. She has no immediate family. An adult’s immediate family is his/her spouse and children, if any. It is okay not to have any immediate family, but not okay to co-opt someone else’s.

        1. So as soon as someone turns 18 they have not immediate family? Your definition of immediate family is very waspy, please only apply to your kind (other cold wasps)

          1. Yep, when you graduate from college you are on your own. No immediate family.

          2. Omg this is the saddest (and also most untrue) thing I have ever heard. I, for one, did not become an orphan when I graduated from college. And that’s a real random cutoff… I paid for all my own college. Did I still have an immediate family even though no one was financially supporting me? Not everyone goes to college. Are they functionally orphaned at 18 based on your arbitrary declaration? The more I think about your comment, the less sense this makes.

          3. Yoooo not cool.

            Cold hard stiff upper lip wasp here. If there’s one thing we were raised to believe, it’s family over everything. We havd an extremely extremely close extended family.

        2. Yup. I do think this is hugely dependent on how you were raised though. I was raised that when you’re growing up, your immediate family is your parents and siblings and when you’re grown, your immediate family is your spouse and children. That’s not to say you excommunicate your parents and siblings as soon as you turn 18 or get married, but the relationships change and that’s how it should be. Your spouse and children should be your priority. I realize many people feel differently, but it was important to me to marry someone who shared that feeling.

      2. THIS! I think this board is dominated by people who have relatively non-close relationships with extended family. In many close families, upon marriage the inlaws are considered actual family, not just random people you’re now legally connected to – it’s unfortunate you don’t see her this way. I’m here to tell you guys, in many cultures, in the U.S. and outside of the U.S. having continued closeness with immediate family members if PERFECTLY NORMAL, even after you get married and OP your opinion of how close a sibling relationship should be is no more valid than hers or your husbands (obviously barring inappropriate relationships like se*ual kind). The real issue comes when there is pressure or manipulation from a family member to do a certain action, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
        I encourage you to ask yourself why you feel so angry at a PRIVATE conversation between your husband and sister where he seemed perfectly ok with the topic (you don’t mention he shut her down) or why you are annoyed that she still treats her BROTHER like her immediate family. Wouldn’t you be peeved if your husband asked you why you talk to your mother everyday? Why haven’t you established boundaries with your husband about what in your private life should and should not be discussed?

        1. Um ok. But I’m not from the US and this would be considered really inappropriate in my family too – how many children a couple want to have is purely that couple’s decision in most cultures I know of. I would be seriously angry if my (lovely) SIL tried to butt in on something like that. And if OP adheres to the “husband and kids are my immediate family” (as do I), that’s her right and she isn’t some cold unfeeling American who is “sad”. I mean really?

          1. It’s super common in many cultures for siblings to talk about how many kids either of them are thinking about. I talked to my sister all the time about how many kids we were thinking about and I know many friends who did the same.

          2. Clearly this only applies to some cultures not all non US people, but thanks for projecting. We all know for the most part northern Europeans aren’t as extended family centric as for example Indians. The same way southerners tend to be closer to extended families than people from ther northern US. Don’t get your panties in a twist.

        2. +1,000. The definition of “family” is culturally dependent and many people on this board seems to have an incredibly restrictive definition.

          I am very close to my brother. He is truly one of my best friends. We routinely talk about any number of topics, including how many children he and his wife want to have and why (although in our case, he mostly wanted me to back him up with a parent). He uses me as a sounding board because I am someone he can trust. He would not take it well if my SIL (who is a lovely person I really like) suddenly decided that we should hang out less. On the other hand, I equally know that he would 100% take her side if I suddenly decided to start criticizing her or was rude or disrespectful.

          OP – you need to stop monitoring your husband’s relationship with his sister. Absent truly egregious oversharing, he gets to decide how close it it. I would also suggest you give some thought to the value of having another loving family figure in your children’s lives. They day may well come when one of them needs to have someone to talk to that they can trust but is not a parent (it certainly happened to me in my family).

        3. Yeah, man, the person who commented that the SIL has no immediate family sent chills down my spine. I’m a single woman and I have an immediate family – my parents, my brother, and yes, my sister-in-law, who has never treated me like an outsider to “their” family.

        4. I am totally on team “she IS your immediate family”.
          I am also on team “she is your kids immediate family”.

          My aunt was my “other mother” growing up, and I learnt a lot from her. My mom and she didn’t totally get along (no huge fights, a bit more subtle avoidance, but a kid knows) but my mom didn’t stop me spending time with her. For instance, one summer my aunt asked that I spend a couple of weeks with her and her kids in another city, and my parents let me go.
          Don’t keep your kids away from their aunt, unless she is truly not a good person. They will need her as they grow up. Even if you think you can do everything and be everyone to your kids, believe me at some point they will not want to hear things from you and will believe another adult they respect. I say this kindly, but for the sake of your kids, please reconsider your stance on who is immediate and not. And for your husband, and for yourself. Don’t hold her at arms length. Reach out and make her feel at home, and you will be grateful at some later date that you did so.

    6. Omg it just occurred to me that OP and the poster who said the other day that her brother was choosing his SIL over her could actually be in the same family!! Or is this just master level tr0lling?

        1. Everybody here thinks they’re such a detective about tr0lls, and, like, you aren’t Sherlock Holmes. Find something better to do with your time.

      2. Or lots of people have the same issues and OP clearly said her post was inspired by that one . . .

        1. Yeah, lots of people have these issues and it’s not a random coincidence – that discussion clearly inspired this one.

    7. If the scenario was switched and OP was a man, we would say that he was weird and controlling. Stop “overhearing”/judging your spouse’s private conversations. Stop dictating how close your spouse is allowed to be with his sibling. You are trying to exert an inappropriate amount of control over him and his family relationships. He sees his sister about once a week. That’s not “too much” just because you’ve decided that.

      1. [OP here]: No — we ALL see her at least once a week. She’ll call and invite herself over for dinner or whatever. Sometimes we make up excuses that we’re busy, but usually we don’t. I mean, she’s family and clearly it’s very important to her that she sees us all the time.

        I don’t want to exclude her from our lives at all. I just feel like it’s too much.

        1. Ok then be an adult and start saying no more often instead of putting your issues on her.

        2. I guess for myself I don’t think having dinner once a week with family is really that much. But you do, so I would tell your husband that you want her around less? I mean that is the message, so I think you kind of have to own it.

          1. + 1

            Once a week is really nothing. The way OP was talking I thought it was several times a week. I also hate the fact that “immediate family” has come to mean your spouse and kids only in the US. It’s way too restrictive.

        3. Then go out and do something, or stay in your room sometimes. No one is forcing you to entertain her. She should feel perfectly comfortable not being entertained by wife in your home if she’s over that often. Your husband doesn’t think it’s too much and he lives there too, he can have his sister over for a coffee or drink every week.
          As the direct above poster said: it’s not too much just because you think it’s too much. This entire thread you offer no excuse other than, basically you just don’t want to look her once a week. I’m sorry, you sound awful trying to dictate your husband’s relationship with his sister for no other reason than “because”.

          1. Yeah I was kind of on OP’s side until she posted follow ups about how often the contact was and what she was upset about.

            OP you’re being super petty about this. Once a week is nothing. Like it or not, you marry someone’s entire self when you marry them, and part of your husband’s self is his good relationship with his sister. I would be DELIGHTED if my son and daughter ended up seeing each other once per week as adults, and I would be very sad if either of them married a jealous, insecure person who thought that somehow took too much away from their relationship. And you sound like that kind of jealous, insecure person right now. None of your follow up comments are helping your case. You need to get your own sh1t together and quit acting like you own your husband.

          2. Maybe the OP is an introvert and actually just needs her alone time.

            For what it’s worth, I think someone inviting themselves over every week would be a bit much. I also think the SIL would benefit from building her own social network – married friends, single friends – and not rely so heavily on her brother’s family.

        4. Julie, I’m sorry that you’re getting such rough feedback. Obviously, people are taking their own issues out on you.

          It’s hard to describe this distinction, but there are single people who are close to their families, and then single people who use their family of origin as a substitute for finding a partner and building their own life. The people in the first group are also “getting out there” – doing meetups, joining run clubs, serving in Rotary, running for office – but just have the cr@p luck to not find anyone, yet.

          Then there are people who use their siblings’ families as substitutes for their own, because (for them) it’s easier and more comfortable than doing the hard work of finding a partner, making friends after college, finding hobbies, and the like.

          It kind of sounds like the sil is in the latter category, which is why the OP is annoyed and can’t exactly articulate why.

          1. Look, I’m married with kids but please don’t overlook how much luck factors into whether you’re married or single. Single people aren’t lazy or avoiding hard work. Your comment is the epitome of smug married

          2. Learn to read. I explicitly said that many people are single despite their best efforts.

            There are no guarantees in life, but that has never excused trying. If SIL were committed to finding someone, she wouldn’t have the time to invite herself over to the OP’s house because she would be out there, meeting people.

          3. Even if she was going on dates 7 nights a week, she could still see her brother for coffee on a Sunday afternoon. I have a very active social life and a busy career, but if I had family in the area I would make the time to see them, because I love spending time with them.

          4. Amazingly I know how to read. I also know when someone’s being a smug married. Seeing your brother about once a week doesn’t mean she’s not trying to make a life for herself. (You sounds like a delight by the way, which confirms my original thoughts about you from your original comment.)

    8. I encourage you to broader your perspective on this, and consider how beneficial it may be for you, your husband, and your kids to have a close relationship with your SIL. Statistically, single people are the ones who are available to help when life gets real. E.g., my mom’s single sister was a HUGE help when my parents needed help moving while managing difficult medical conditions. My single work colleague cared for her two nieces FT after her brother and his wife were in a car accident. I am single, and I have been a massive help to my immediate and extended family in times of crisis. I was only able to do this because I didn’t have a husband and kids of my own to care for.

      You say this woman is lovely. And fortunately for you, she wants to be part of the fabric of your family’s life. Why would you look a gift horse in the mouth? She may become a lifeline to your little family when you need one. Most of us will need that kind of support at some point – or wish we had it.

    9. Serious question here: Do people not talk to their friends and family members about important life decisions, like whether to have children or how many children to have? My husband and I talked about it, but I also had conversations with several of my good friends and family members to get their perspective. And when they have it (whether I ended up taking their advice or not) I did not think they were some overstepping. And honestly, I would have been super p*ssed off if my husband had decided to police those conversations.

      1. No, we did not say anything to our parents, siblings, or friends about having kids until after the first trimester. It was pretty obvious that we wanted to have kids at some point, but the timing, technology, cost etc. involved were not open for public comment.

      2. No.

        I do not solicit other people’s opinion on my uterus, and my husband doesn’t, either.

        We solicit other people’s perspectives on their own lives, but that’s not the same as their opinions on our lives.

        1. This just seems so odd to me (not wrong – just odd). Like I clearly recall talking to my friends/mother/sister about trying to decide whether to have a second child and whether that was something we wanted to pursue (or not). I mean we did not discuss details of how I intended to conceive, but the general subject was up for discussion once I raised it.

          And my brother and I definitely talked about how they had decided on no more children after #2 and his decision to have a vasectomy.

          It just goes to show how different people and their family dynamics can be and how much room there is for dispute and disagreement between spouses.

      3. Nope, I don’t talk to anyone except my husband about family planning. We didn’t tell anyone when we were trying, kept our first pregnancy a secret from everyone until 14 weeks and now that we are deciding whether or not to try for a second, nobody is involved in those discussions except us. My husband is naturally more open but respects my wishes to keep all discussions about family planning just between us. I communicated this to him, of course. I don’t expect anyone, including my husband, to read my mind.

      4. Soliciting comments is different. I would not expect my brother to ask me about how many kids to have, but I would likely offer (if the topic was relevant) comments about “you know I spaced my kids 4 years apart, and I think that’s a good age gap, since the older one was more independent when the newborn needed all my attention”.
        My brother may ask a question or two, and I know he will think about that when/if he decides to have another one. This is a data point, just like other data points I get on this thread, that is good to factor in. But totally different from my saying “I think you should stop at two kids, three is too much”.

  26. Is it weird to want to try to have a baby before your (ideal(istic), hopeful) planned departure date from biglaw? In an ideal world, I have two kids before 35, and I’ll be 31 in the year when I want to think about or exit biglaw. Just…law firms have generally pretty great maternity leaves and obviously no guarantee my next company will be as great, plus not to mention in an *ideal* world not leaving on mat leave within the first year of joining a new place.

    Obviously, I know women usually have shorter maternity leaves, and hopefully my next job comes with better hours, but it’s hard not to see the maternity leave as a “perk”?

    Not really sure if I’m seeking advice, but maybe words from people who had similar thoughts.

    1. 99% of the women in my biglaw firm did this. Some talked about it openly — how they were only sticking around to have 3 kids or whatever. Word to the wise — don’t talk about it. These things get around and the next time a recession looms and they need to cut the associate ranks (which could be in a few years again), it’s very easy to cut the people they’ve heard say – I don’t want to be here, I’m only here for x benefit.

    2. This is done a lot – take advantage of the benefits of your current job, you’ve earned them. That said, how old are you? If you are looking into the future and wanting to leave at 31 with two kids under belt both at big law, you can’t be planning to stay long and you can’t be more than a year or so into big law (assuming young law school graduate at 25 or so).
      Plan your timeline based primarily on your personal life and only tangentially on your professional life, because careers bend, change, and fade – your kids won’t. Don’t have kids younger than you’d like just for a couple more months of maternity leave. And you may actually like biglaw once you reach mid level and want to stay…keep an open mind.

      1. I agree with this – very good advice. If you are ready to have kids, have them with no guilt about the maternity leave issue. Don’t have them before you are truly ready just to get the maternity leave. Careers turn out to be a lot more flexible than babies.

    3. I am struggling to see why it would be weird to try to have your kids while you’re at an employer that has great mat leave.

    4. (OP here!) I’m 29, graduated law school at 27. I don’t have any plans or hopes to have both my kids before 31–my post said my ideal world I have both of them by 35 :) I’d need to get started NOW to do that haha. And I’m certainly trying to keep an open mind! On the other hand, my husband is a mid-level associate, granted more in a group with more unpredictability than mine, but I can’t say I love his work life. The hope is to stick around long enough that I become marketable to go in-house or to a government role.

      I think I only think it’s weird because I’m still relatively junior at my firm, and it seems like bad optics (though obviously I should do what feels right for us, as the anon poster above reminded me!) to leave right after, and probably just hard to look for a job while on maternity leave. Wrench in the plans is that we do NOT want to send our kids to school in NYC so we’d want to move elsewhere in the not too distant future.

      1. Based on your desire to move out of NYC anyway, I’d stick around for the two maternity leaves and then try to concidence your job change with your location change. That would put you at moving a year or two after your second maternity leave.

        People were a bit confused on timing because you said you wanted both kids by 35 but also looking to exit biglaw at 31 but it sounds like from your follow up post that it’s more about you starting to look at new jobs around 31?

        1. Yes, that’s right. I realize now I should’ve worded that better! I always came into my firm with the idea that I would stay for about 4-5 years to get the good experience. So starting to look at age 31, I would be a fourth year.

      2. I believe firmly in having children when it’s right for you + spouse, to hell with optics. That goes double if you’re planning on leaving your firm in the next few years and not trying to stay to make partner.

        If you’re concerned with actual career opportunities that you value, that’s different. I couldn’t have had kids in my first year as a lawyer, because I needed to be in the office a lot to get opportunities and learn and I wouldn’t have wanted to be in the office that much as a new parent.

  27. Seeking feedback from women who have had breast reductions. TW – I’m going to include weight/measurements below.

    I’m 37 and my breasts haven’t stopped growing. I’m currently a 32G. On shorter people this might look huge. On me it looks big but not obscene. I’m 5’7″ and my weight had been around 135 consistently. In the last year I’ve been holding steady at 143. Despite my weight gain, I don’t think my breasts have gotten much bigger but I’ve been having back problems. I also realize that I am not overweight but I would look so much slimmer without giant breasts taking up most of my torso.

    I’m on the fence about a reduction. I might not be big enough for it to be paid for by my health insurance. I also may not go smaller enough for it to be covered. Insurance requires a fairly large volume to be removed and I’d probably only want to go down to a C so the change in appearance wasn’t too drastic. I could likely afford out of pocket but I’m worried about having a fairly major surgery, recovery, complications, etc. I’m also worried about them just growing back.

    For those that did it, are you glad? Any regrets? Anything you would do differently? I realize that in my extended friend group, I know 4 people that did it but they all did it right after college graduation. I’m wondering if it is different at 37 than 21.

    I have unexplained infertility so I haven’t had kids and likely won’t be having any biological children to the extent that matters.

    1. No advice, but following. I’m in a similar situation as you, but shorter; also have unexplained infertility.

      1. Interesting! I’m seeing a new doctor next month to have potential exploratory surgery to rule out endo. I’m curious if whatever hormonal things is causing my breasts to grow a cup size very 2 years (even when my weight stayed the same) is causing my infertility.

        1. I didn’t want to get way into the weeds since it wasn’t directly related to your question, but I’m on year six of ttc, year four of seeing specialists. I’m not advanced maternal age but I’m fast approaching. Current RE, whom I really like, said (last week) “you definitely have PCOS and an endo cyst. I don’t know why others have labeled this ‘unexplained’.” I’m scheduled for exploratory surgery with a(nother) HSG in July. Just hoping to get some answers. I hadn’t thought about growth being directly related to fertility woes, but I’m curious about that now. Good luck with your decision!

    2. Not personal experience, but a friend had hers reduced at age 34 (waited until she was finished pregnancy/nursing “just in case”). Her reduction was enough that it was covered by insurance, so can’t speak to the money of it. Recovery wasn’t a cakewalk; she was in discomfort for a couple of weeks – limited mobility & a lot of tenderness up front, faded down to “like a bruise” (e.g. only hurts if bumped/move a certain way) for several weeks after. That being said, she is SO HAPPY to have it done – comfort, ease of buying undergarments & shirts, etc.

    3. I did it. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner! Totally life changing.

      Talk to a well regarded surgeon (I personally felt strongly about a female surgeon but YMMV). Have them set realistic expectations. I went from a 34G/32GG to a 34C. Best choice I’ve made in a long time.

      Fully paid by insurance. Exercise, buying/wearing clothes, my back, and my headaches are SO MUCH BETTER. Highly recommend.

      1. Also – had my surgery on a Wednesday, was back to work on Monday, didn’t take anything stronger than tylenol and the worst part was coming out of anesthesia.

      2. Thank you for sharing. You also touched on another issue. I VERY much want a female surgeon. I was looking at before and after pictures on a few surgeons websites and it totally skeeved me out to think about a man, even if he is a doctor, deciding what my breasts should ideally look like. I recognize that’s a sexist view but, is what it is.

    4. I haven’t had one but a former coworker had one last summer at the age of 47. Her only regret was not doing it earlier. She said they talk about volume reduction so you can’t really say “make me a C cup” because that’s not quite how it worked. She took one week off work and then went back the following. She had no issues with her recovery – said it hurt a bit but she took it easy. She is a big runner and was back at it about one month later. She looks much more proportional now and no longer has any back pain.

    5. You know what you want, but just a thought: I’m built like you (5’8, weight in the 140s) and am a 32DD. It’s a very proportionate size for my frame – it doesn’t look huge, shirts fit correctly, etc. A 32C may be a lot smaller than you think it is — I think cup sizes mean an exponential increase in volume.

      2. As a counterpoint, I’m 5’10”, 150ish pounds and a C cup and I think I look great and very proportional. I get adjectives like curvy and hourglass quite frequently (I have bigger hips and a smaller waist). I went up to an F while pregnant and hated it. I felt like Stormy Daniels.

        1. I am 5’7″ and a 32F. I don’t think I look overly Jessica Rabbit but now I am all self-conscious. I actually think my chest is kind of concave so the F really doesn’t project that much.

        2. A 32DD (my size) is the same as a 36C. We can’t talk about a “C cup” or a “B cup” without specifying band size.

    6. On the 32G vs huge issue (I’m assuming this is UK sizing?) – G cup isn’t in itself huge, IMO. The pain thing is definitely important, but G cup is visually obvious but not generally “massive “on a 5 f 7 frame.

      For you: what’s your silhouette? If you take the cup size out of the equation, will you be hourglass (hips and shoulders) or will you be top-heavy athletic or bottom heavy pear shaped?

      I’m in a simular situation to you, and although a smaller cup would be golden, I don’t think I have the energy to become a pear shape. I mean, I already know how to dress my shape and what looks good. If my boobs disappear my thighs will stay – and I will be more of pear (Not a true pear, but more than now, and my visual impact will change.). At 40+ years I can’t be bothered to relearn my shape. As long as I’m able to buy bras that brings the boobs forwards and upwards, I’m good.

      If surgery were super non-dramatic and non-ivasive, I’d have done it yesterday, though. 28D for me. A body that will let me run and wear whatever fashionable thing I want.

  28. Any recommendations for a weekend trip in July/August? Starting from the Minnesota/Dakotas area from a small airport, hoping to not spend more than 5 hours traveling. Thanks all!

    1. Where can fly directly from your airport? Can you drive a couple of hours to a large airport? What’s the nearest hub? If you have to connect, 5 hours traveling time is tight and may limit your options.

      What type of activities are you interested in?

      Honestly, I’m in the SEUS, and I want to go somewhere like Minnesota in July/August.

      1. Don’t, it’s humid here too. (Although our humidity might be child’s play compared to yours, so I guess you know better!)

        1. Different anon – I’m also from the SEUS and I will never forget being in Iowa one summer a couple years ago and the radio announcers were going on and ON about the humidity. I opened the weather app on my phone and it was like 60% humidity and 75 degrees. HA. That’s a beautiful, crisp fall day for us ;)

          1. I’m from Iowa and that’s a beautiful crisp late spring or early fall day for us too. I can assure you that is not typical of Iowa in July/August and if we had weather like that, NOBODY would be complaining about it.

        2. I live in Texas and still remember how much I loved the weather in Wisconsin in July five years ago. I was there for a week-long CLE and just couldn’t get over how nice it was outside! Low 80s will beat 100s every time. I don’t remember it being noticeably humid and it was coolish in the evenings which was positively amazing.

    2. Totally depends what you want to do, but the Rocky Mountains are really beautiful that time of year. Fly into Denver or Salt Lake City and stay in a resort town.

      1. Can anyone recommend a resort/resort town in or near Denver or SLC that would be good for this type of thing? Bonus points if it’s close to the airport or an easy drive (i.e. not mountain passes or something). I like to drive but would love to stay a few days in an area that’s cute and somewhat walkable where I could explore, go into little stores and generally just unwind and explore. May be a nice place to get away from the DC heat/humidity for a few days in the summer.

        1. Park City. A short drive from Salt Lake, which has a lot of nonstop flights from various places. Great weather, nice town, good hiking. But it isn’t beautiful like Colorado.

      1. Coeur d’Alene is one of my favorite places, but end of July/August is smoke and fire season and it can be really, really miserable. The entire West could have this problem, tbh.

    4. Hello and welcome to the Bay Area where it will most certainly not be hot. Bring your jacket!

      1. Eh it depends where. South Bay gets pretty steamy during the day in July and August, although not super humid and cool at night.

      1. I hated it. I went with my in-laws and I thought it was very cheesy, kind of an Atlantic City vibe but without the ocean so…Reno, maybe? We did a boat trip to some hiking areas and that was probably my favorite part of the trip, but the scenery was honestly nothing special. I’ve spent some time in northern Minnesota and Michigan and those places are way more scenic and bucket list-worthy IMO.

        1. Yeah, the Dells are sad and gross. I guess okay if you like indoor water parks?

          1. Anon at 1:33 here – ironically I love waterparks, so I might have liked it a lot better if we had done one of those. But my in-laws were all about the scenery and food, which were both very meh.

          2. I like outdoor water parks… so probably not a place I would enjoy. Thank you for the feedback!

      2. Granted I have not been in almost 20 years, but the Dells is very much your traditional beach town without the Ocean. I was just in Niagara Falls, and the town very much reminded me of the Dells. It was a fun place to take family vacations to when I was a kid, but now that I live on the coast I wouldn’t fly in for it.

        1. I am all “you have got to be kidding.” I have to go to the Dells once or twice every year for my kids’ sports events. It is just miserable. The hotels all feel somewhat damp and are full of screaming wet children. There is one single restaurant there I consider decent. I don’t like beer. The one piece of advice I can give you is to stay at the Wilderness or Chula Vista and rent one of the condos instead of a hotel room.

    6. Nerd alert, but I’d rent one of the several Frank Lloyd Wright designed houses that are available for rent in the midwest and base my vacation around that.

  29. I just started a new role that is a lot of project management. I’ve worked on projects before, but never actually done project management. Does anybody have recommendations for some good basic-level project management resources?

    1. I took a Coursera course I liked a lot when I was kind of interested a few years ago.

  30. I just need to vent. I was so disrespected by an unethical, liar of a customer buyer, that I am sitting in my cube unable to stop crying out of rage. It was so bad that my counterpart came to my defense on the call and then apologized to me separately after the call (I have a great relationship with my counterpart). This guy is a piece of work and is the most difficult person to work for. I want to sent one of those boxes of $ h i t to his doorstep. Just an awful human being. I wish I could tell you his name because y’all would laugh so hard.

    1. Omg I’m so sorry to hear this. Take a walk and don’t cry in your cube. I always try to remember that when someone is a POS to me in any situation it’s probably because they are a miserable person all around.

      That said, there is no way it is your job to take this kind of abuse and I would report it to your management.

      1. Oh I have and he is in violation of his own company’s ethics and our NDA. I already emailed their corporate ethics office. I also made the decision I was no longer attending the scheduled in person meeting next week. You do not get the benefit of my presence if you treat me like that repeatedly. I am DONE.

        1. Once I took myself off a case (which was a big deal because the firm was tiny) and I’m so glad I did it, even years away from that job. I was working from home on a Sunday on a conference call, and the client was pulling this amazing mix of talking over me, calling me “honey”, and berating me for not answering a question while ignoring when I answered the question. I finally got through with one of those “as I’ve been saying this entire call, [answer]” type statements, and the call ended, and I emailed my boss saying that if I were going to continue working with him, it wouldn’t be on that case. He took it pretty well, surprisingly.

  31. Late post, may re-post this afternoon. But I’m moving forward in a job application process…. through one of those new-ish “Mom” recruiting companies, seeking to match parents who’re looking to get back to work with flexible hours and commute with companies who are willing to offer these but…. now I have so many more questions. Like how is this legal, if job postings are not supposed to be separated by sex (gender) or age, and if this is a HUGE benefit to the company/employer because they may be more likely to offer lower salaries or benefits, assuming applicants can and will take those?

    What are your thoughts? Any one with any more or less experience with these companies? Would love hear your take, no matter what.

    Thank you. (FWIW I am not currently employed, I’d love a more flexible position, but also would love higher pay, better management than my previous job, etc…. also would love NOT to hear about my manager’s vasectomy if I tell him I’m pregnant again.(I am not planning on getting pregnant again, but this actually happened.))

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