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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
When I’m browsing for clothes online, it can be tricky to tell which items look great on the hanger but terrible in real life. One easy trick I’ve found is that when an item is being offered in several colorways, it means that the retailer has a lot of confidence in it, which often means that it’s been well-reviewed in the past.
With that in mind, I feel pretty good about this blouse from Banana Republic Factory, which comes in six solids and a print. The “afternoon latte” color is tricky for some folks, but if it works on you, it really works on you. I would wear it with a camel blazer and white pants for a monochromatic look.
The blouse is $42 at Banana Republic Factory — with 20% off at checkout — and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
A few days ago someone recommended relaxed suiting-adjacent pieces from the Fold. I was looking at Athleta and they have similar pieces. Has anyone tried them for 2023 soft work pieces (together; I wear the pants already, especially when traveling)? Or have anything similar to recommend? It is sort of a high school coach look but maybe a track suit IS a suit in 2023? And if I can wash and hang to dry, that is a major win.
Cat
can you link what you’re seeing as similar? FWIW, I wear a few Athleta tops for WFH because shoulders-up in dark colors they look like a “real” sweater, but they would not be appropriate IRL.
Anon
https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=982816002&cid=1202858&pcid=1202858&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3AJackets%20%3ACATEGORIES%3ABlazers%20%26%20Coats&cpos=2&cexp=2702&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1202858&cvar=23167&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23021005121671128143403#pdp-page-content
And there is also the Endless blazer. I may just need to head to my local store to try in. I imagine some Brooklyn or similar pants would make what LL Bean used to call a travel outfit.
Cat
Ok I guess that’s worth a visit to see if it hangs nicely on you in person, but sorry, it is in no way shape or form anywhere close to the beautifully tailored and detailed The Fold pieces!
Anonymous
Yes like not at all.
Anon
The Fold stuff wasn’t their typical very structured pieces. It was like The Fold and Travelsmith had a baby. Which is not what I’d expect from The Fold, but something that may be very savvy considering how people generally dress. I’d love some items from The Fold, but it’s not really needed with my current life and even my BigLaw job has ceased to need things like that enough to justify buying something new.
Anne-on
I’ve seen the Fold jacket and pants I recommended in person. They are definitely more casual, for sure, but the weight/cut/lining really makes it quite clear that they are well crafted pieces. It’s like the difference between thin jersey pieces that show every lump and bump and properly lined heavy weight jersey that holds it’s shape and skims over the body. If it’s too spendy for you I get that! But it really isn’t an apples to apples comparison.
Anon
I have something like this from spanx. It’s great for travel when I need a layer and want to be dressier adjacent as it packs well and can be dressed up with accessories. It doesn’t elevate anything on its own though.
anon
I kind of agree. I’ve looked at the Athleta pieces and they’re nice, but I would never feel comfortable wearing them to the office. It’s too obvious they aren’t traditional office wear.
Anonymous
I am obsessed with the Fold, but their size range doesn’t include my needs. It is so infuriating!
Anon
My fiance and I are at a wedding planning impasse, primarily due to the guest list. Fiance has a large extended family, but would like to have a small wedding. Ideally, he wants to limit extended family invitations to a handful of family members he is especially close to, without inviting the rest of his extended family. In other words, he wants to invite some aunts and uncles, but not others; some cousins, but not others.
I’ve explained that this approach to extended family invitations would be considered quite rude, and is likely to cause hurt feelings. I’ve further shared that I think he needs to decide between a small, immediate-family only wedding or a large wedding that is inclusive of extended family. Fiance hasn’t been able to decide between these options, so we’re stuck.
We got engaged last spring, so this is getting frustrating. I’m starting to feel embarrassed when friends or family ask how the wedding planning is going. Personally, I am OK having a small wedding or a large wedding since I see pros and cons to both.
Any advice? Creative solutions I’m not considering? Am I wrong in thinking that his ideal approach to extended family invitations would be rude?
Anon
His family, his decision. I think you’re over-stepping here.
NYCer
+1. This should not be causing an impasse. You need to let this go.
Anokha
+2. While I agree that his approach will likely cause hurt feelings, I also think that it’s his decision to make and I would defer to him.
Anon
As far as hurt feelings go, I think it really depends. My husband has almost 20 first cousins and of the ones who’ve gotten married so far, we’ve only been invited to about half the weddings. Neither of us sees this as rude or hurtful; the cousins span a huge age range and are spread out very far geographically and it makes sense he’d only be invited to the weddings of the people he was close to growing up or sees more regularly now. On the other hand, I only have two first cousins and I wasn’t invited to the wedding of one of them because of drama between our parents and that was really hurtful even though we weren’t close as kids or adults. It felt like I was being punished for something that wasn’t my fault, and it was especially weird because my parent who was the source of the drama was invited (according to my grandmother, leaving a cousin off the guest list is more acceptable than leaving off an aunt/uncle?) So I think it really depends. There definitely could be hurt feelings but I don’t think it’s a sure thing. But either way, I think it’s husband’s choice and husband’s problem to deal with any emotional fallout.
Anon
I think you need to get over not being invited to the wedding of a person you aren’t and never have been close to. Read your post as if someone else wrote it and see how ridiculous you sound.
Anon
I mean, it’s not something that keeps me up at night. I’m just sharing my anecdotal experience. In my husband’s family it’s different because there are so many cousins and some of them are 15 years older or younger than him and live on different continents, but my family is much smaller, same ages and geographically close and until this point everyone (including me) had invited every cousin, aunt and uncle to their wedding and at this wedding I was the only extended family member excluded, so yes I found it hurtful. Especially because as I said my parents were invited and according to our mutual grandparent the reason for my un-invitation was drama my parent was involved in with their sibling, so that felt unfair to me. Lots of people on this thread have said not inviting family members would cause hurt feelings in their families, so I don’t think it’s “ridiculous” that I felt hurt about being the only extended family member left out of a wedding!
Anon
The poster didn’t say she was nurturing a lifelong grudge, just that it was hurtful. She’s allowed to have feelings about her own relationships being affected by potential bad behavior of her parents. This didn’t read to me as if her feelings were causing actions that affect others.
Anon
Anon @ 10:28 – she was talking about her feelings which people have from time to time. Not all feelings are rational. Your comment was rude and unnecessary.
Anon
She was just sharing a personal story 10:28. Please reread your own post and consider how mean it is.
Seventh Sister
I have two first cousins and was invited to one wedding but not the other. It started as competitive-mom drama with a side of s*xism, then my sister decided to take the nuclear option and stop speaking to my aunt, uncle (Dr. Perfect), and cousins.
When we found out about the wedding and that we hadn’t been invited, I was a little hurt, but I really mostly felt bad for my dad. He’s an old man but at some level, he’s the not-as-successful little brother of Dr. Perfect.
Anon
Agreed. My sister was invited to a cousin’s wedding but I wasn’t which left me confused and hurt.
Anonymous
Yeah let him deal with his family like he wants. You’ve given him a heads up, he still wants to do what he wants, so let it go. It’s not your friends and family. They might think it’s rude but why do you care if his random uncle he’s not close enough to invite to the wedding is somewhat irked? To the point of holding up your own wedding?
Vicky Austin
You are not wrong in thinking that his ideal approach might cause a lot of hurt feelings, but since it’s his family, I would be inclined to let him have his way on this. As long as he accepts that dealing with the possible drama is 100% on him, I would be fine with it.
I was in a similar situation; we were having a pretty smallish wedding and my husband doesn’t have a ton of extended family unless you extend outwards another couple layers. My MIL had told DH she was fine with our very unextended list, and then she said just kidding, some of those extendeds might get pretty upset to be left out, please consider inviting them. Husband and I decided how many more people we were willing to accommodate, he picked over her list for the people he felt were important and promised both her and me that he’d deal with the others if they kicked up any fuss. No one did, fortunately! (Also I think we sent announcements to those we didn’t invite as a placating measure; maybe that would be worth thinking about?)
Anon
Ouch…. on the sending announcements to those not invited. That was done to me once, by someone who was a close friend/prior roommate, and it really hurt. Because an announcement but no invite means (to me…) – we don’t want you at our wedding, but we’d love a gift from you!
Anonymous
+1. I think it’s fine not to invite everyone, but do not send an announcement to people you leave off the list. That will definitely be seen as a gift grab.
Anon
That is horrendously rude. I didn’t even know “announcements” were a thing, except a save the date that comes before an invitation and should only go to people being invited.
Cat
Yes, it might cause hurt feelings, but if your fiance is willing to handle any blowback, I think he should be able to decide on his closest circle.
Anon
+1 – although you’re absolutely right to raise the issue and challenge him on it. In my family his approach would be world war three. I didn’t want a big wedding either so we eloped. That’s always a great option IMHO.
Anon
Has he talked to a sibling or parents about this? This seems explosive in some families (including from cultural backgrounds where it is *not done*) and totally fine and reasonable in others (my guess is more often in families where their cultural heritage is not a specific part of their family identity). Which kind of family is he in?
Anon
You’re stirring up trouble.
I have a large extended family on one side – my father has six sisters and brothers, and there are 18 grandchildren in total. Trust me, I would absolutely invite some and not others – there are some I am close to and others who I could barely pick out of a crowd.
Anon
+1 to this and + whatever number we’re at to It’s his call to make
Anon
I agree that it could be rude. If his family is normal, it might worth talking about it with his parents. Not because he needs permission or something weird, more along the lines of having a normal conversation about what is standard in his family. My husband is lovely but kind of clueless about these things. My in laws are also lovely and told us who invited who so we weren’t wildly offending anyone. I guess if some of the family lives far away, that might take care of some of the problem.
Liza
I agree with other commenters that his family, his decision. This definitely should not be causing such an impasse that it has halted wedding planning. Is one or the other of you subconsciously trying to pump the brakes on getting married?
Anonymous
This.
Also, whatever the outcome here, family stuff is going to pop up again and again. Something to keep in mind. I would be crystal clear that the fallout from this needs to land on him.
Anonymous
+1000 Also you can’t control another person. Get used to it now or your marriage will be rocky.
Anonymous
I think you should spend some time figuring out why this bothers you so much.
This is his family you’re talking about, which means it’s him who gets to decide who gets a place at his wedding.
I have a small family and didn’t invite everyone. I think his idea of wanting to limit the extended family to those he is close to is perfectly reasonable. Their feelings either way are not your problem, and something he can deal with as he sees fit.
nuqotw
+1, spend some time with it. It’s not that you’re wrong, it’s just that his feelings about his family have a certain primacy. It’s also possible that when he says is “not close” with some family members he means “there be dragons.” Even if it’s just regular old “not close” you can redirect any blowback by saying “you’ll have to ask fiancé.”
Bette
I come from a very large Irish Catholic family (almost 30 first cousins, who have now started marrying and having large families of their own).
It’s common in my family to invite only some aunts and uncles, cousins, cousins kids, etc as budget and preference permit. I’ve never been offended by this and I’m not aware of any rifts that this has caused.
I’d just trust his judgment on this.
Anon
+1 I’ve been invited to lots of cousin, second cousin, and step-cousin weddings. And then not invited by their siblings. I’ve never been offended.
I know that the hardest thing to do when wedding planning is getting the headcount right – you have a budget but you also don’t want to offend anyone. So not being offended is an easy decision. I send a gift.
smurf
I actually disagree that it’s fully his family, his decision. They are about to become your family & any blowback is going to come your way as well. That said, is it a close extended family, like everyone gets together at the holidays, celebrations, etc.? And seeing Uncle Bob who didn’t make the cut will be awkward? Or is it more distant and the uncles he doesn’t want to invite he hasn’t seen in 4 years anyway? It really depends on the family dynamic how much drama that approach would cause.
Anon
I was thinking this too. In a marriage, what he does gets attributed to you and vice versa. So making sure you’re not causing major drama at the outset is a good idea. I second the talk to his parents, consider larger or smaller or eloping suggestions. Just don’t let this drag into never getting married. The wedding is way less important than the marriage.
Anon
+1. I also disagree with the sentiment that it’s his family, his decision. Absolutely take into account his family’s norms. But in my tight knit family and culture, inviting some family members and not others would completely lead to hurt feelings and drama, which would be blamed on both the bride and groom even if it is just the groom’s family. His decision will be attributed to you.
We get together with extended family for all holidays etc, and if these people will be your close extended family members, you don’t want to create awkwardness at all future family gatherings. It’s sort of like “know your office” – “know you’re family”. Of course your fiancé will be in the best position to let you know if inviting some but not all extended family member will cause drama.
For example, in our family one cousin (the groom) invited all aunts/uncles and cousins, but seating arrangements at the reception clearly “favored” certain aunts/uncles/cousins and put other aunts/uncles/cousins in a back corner near the loud band, and it created a ton of hurt feelings and long lasting drama. To this day, the disfavored relatives blame the bride as much as the groom and no longer invest much time or energy in the relationship with bride and groom because they took it as a sign that bride and groom don’t care about them so why bother.
Take cues from your fiancé, but it really depends on family culture and I wouldn’t blithely assume that it would be totally fine.
anon
Yup. I actually think OP’s instincts are correct in this situation. One of my cousins did this, and it didn’t go over particularly well. But, you also have to trust that your fiance knows his family dynamics. What’s your relationship with your future parents-in-law? Do you trust them enough to ask for guidance on who to include?
Liza
I haven’t seen anyone disagreeing that it might not go over well, or that it’s bad etiquette. The point is that OP’s fiance can decide whether it’s worth it to him to potentially alienate some of his family members. And frankly, if he’s so estranged from some of them that he doesn’t care if they’re at the wedding, why would he care if they’re subsequently upset that they aren’t invited?
River bird
+1. All of this is very family and culture dependent, and we don’t really have enough context here to know the likelihood or direction (or source!) of any blowback. If everyone is close, but certain people are closer, that’s different than I see uncle fred every week but haven’t seen aunt judy in 15 years. Also, I think it matters a lot how involved both sets of parents are in planning/hosting the wedding. For better or worse, many men are not the primary social connections in their families, and so fiance’s perception of who is close or how they might react might night be the same as his parents, who might be very offended if not every sibling was invited. That’s what gives me pause about this. Also, if your family is in full attendance and his is not, that might offend your in laws, depending on the communication with them, and that could definitely hurt your relationship with your new inlaws, even if he is the one making the call (and I usually fully subscribe to the view that each partner handles their own family issues). In my view, the wedding in particular is not just about the couple – it’s a celebration of the joining of two families, and that (to me) means that the inlaws/parents get a say (not the final say) in who is invited, even if the parents are not paying for the wedding (absent abuse/estrangement issues). FWIW, I did not invite all of my extended family due to wanting to have a smaller wedding, but did so in consultation with my parents as I knew they would be the ones facing the brunt of my decision, and it worked out fine.
anon
I have a huge family and my husband has almost no family. We had a small wedding in the city where we live where close family members and a few friends came. Then my mom threw us a more casual party with the whole extended party a few months later. It wasn’t a wedding and I didn’t wear my wedding dress or anything, but it was really fun and the extended family all said they liked it because it was like a fun family reunion, not a stuffy wedding. So you could think about something like that.
Anon
+1
For awhile, this was actually a little popular. One of my cousins did this. Then my brother “planned” to do this, but apparently his new wife changed her mind on the party with my brother’s side of the family. It never happened. It definitely had repercussions, and my family is very small and kind.
Sorry OP.
Seventh Sister
I really wish this kind of thing was more popular. Even though we had a big-ish wedding (@150 guests), there were people my parents and my in-laws definitely wanted to invite (mostly their friends we’d never met) but it just wasn’t happening. If we’d had a big open house-style reception, they could have invited all these people and it would have been fine.
My “little sister” in college was LDS and they had two receptions – one in her town in Utah, one in a SF suburb where her husband grew up.
anon
While a lot of people say his family, his problem – lots of families for better or worse put all the wedding decisions on the woman. We can all lament it but I hear you, if that’s the case, I get that you don’t want to take the brunt of it. My solution for your particular problem – we did a destination wedding with a venue (fancy hotel) that had the ability to flex a bit on the head count with minimal marginal costs to us (e.g., fixed costs are the same and additional ppl would be $40/person). This allowed us to invite all the aunts/uncles but not everyone came. I know everyone drags on destination weddings, but I personally enjoy the randomness of who actually comes.
Anon
I was just thinking this is the perfect case for the destination wedding. The expense for the guest controls the headcount and you get to invite everyone because only a small percentage will show.
Anon
If his family is so big and he’s not even close to them, when will it ever matter to OP if they incorrectly blame her?
anon
No please don’t do this! Don’t make your close family and friends spend unnecessary time and money traveling to a random destination because you don’t want to risk an awkward conversation with your cousins.
Anon
Thank you. Just use your words. “We are keeping it small.”
Anonymous
In a straight couple, the woman suffers the blowback of missed social invitations ESPECIALLY wedding invitations. Have you talked to FMIL? She might be more in the know about whether this is acceptable in their family.
Also, if you’ve never even met these people then I wouldn’t sweat it at all. It’s pretty hard to be offended at the lack of an invitation when no one in your nuclear family has ever even met the bride. If they want to be in their feelings about that then let them.
Anon
I just got my hair cut to a couple of inches below my collar bone and I think it’s a length that would look good with “beachy waves.” But, I have fine, straight hair that doesn’t hold a curl on its own. I’ve always been very low maintenance (wash and wear hair) but I’m ready to commit to learning how to do this. I have a large barrel curling iron, but I don’t know where to start with products. Do I need heat protectant and hair spray? Does anyone have specific recommendations for products? I prefer products that are relatively “clean” but that’s not a requirement. I get so overwhelmed researching this stuff on YouTube so I thought I’d try here. Thanks!
Anon
Same kind of hair here and I wear beachy waves regularly. I find a curling iron too difficult and time consuming though – Instagram served me an ad for this and it’s life changing. Once you get the hang of it (takes a minute but there’s lot of tutorials) it goes fast and really holds all day. Curling iron waves always fall out of my hair quickly. I use thickening spray by Kristin Ess from Target as a heat protectant and sometimes prime style extender from Sephora. Biggest game changer is the tyme styler though.
https://www.tymestyle.com/collections/professional-hair-styling-tools/products/tyme-iron-pro
Anne-on
I am supremely uncoordinated and couldn’t get curling irons to work (even the Dyson air wrap). A friend with similar issues suggested this and I swear this thing is magic. I got B- looking curls from it on my first use and imagine I’ll only get better with use. Considering I’ve paid for blowouts w/’curls’ at Drybar that were worse and cost the exact same amount with tip I think this is totally worth trying!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TLNRWGQ?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details
Cora
Sea salt spray (I use the ogx one) can make the difference here. When I wash my hair I spray this all over when its damp and then braid my hair and sleep like that – its been working surprisingly well. My hair doesn’t hold a curl usually either but its not stick straight naturally.
Anon
I second this braiding method. Longer lasting and less work.
Anon
This seems like a lot of work for a hairstyle that you hair isn’t going to hold. And I say that as somebody with the same hair and same beachy waves dreams.
Anonymous
Coming in to say — keep those dreams alive, just a little bit. My hair somehow transformed from straight straight to beachy waves at some point in my middle age.
Nesprin
Speaking as a pin straight fine haired person, this may not be the style for you, or at least without a the benefit of a short cut with lots and lots of texture/layers/thinning.
I would highly suggest hot rollers over an iron, and you’ll probably need mousse, hairspray and a “volume” type conditioner.
Serafina
I have hair that’s usually straight and with the help of my hairdresser has figured out how to get reasonable beachy waves! What my hairdresser does that works for me:
* Generous layers and thinning to take weight out (it doesn’t look feathered or anything but has a lot of movement)
* Generous salt spray – I use the one my hairdresser makes (JujuChan) but I bet any one would be fine
* While blowdrying damp hair, twist it and blowdry the twist. I’m not sure I’d figure this out without watching her, but it really works for me
I don’t do it every day but I find it way easier than curling iron for a dinner out or a party!
SSJD
What’s the current look in terms of leg-wear? Saturday night I’m going to a party. I’m wearing a short, seqined wrap dress (it’s very festive!) and would have worn sheer black panty hose with my black pumps. But has the style shifted from dark legs to skin-tone legs? I don’t want to go bare, but I could wear sheer panthose in my skin color. (I am white.)
Related, for day time: what if you were wearing a dark/black day dress and black boots? I would normally wear a black opaque tight. But a tween recently told me that the legs should look bare. I dismissed her in my head, but from what I see online, she might be right. Weather notwithstanding, what’s the “look” these days?
Anon
I think it’s sheer black (instead of opaque) so you’re good as planned.
NYCer
Sheer black is fine for the party. For work or day time, I think opaque black is fine during the winter, but I am also not concerned about what the tweens think is cool these days. YMMV!
Anon
You’re in luck, sheer black nylons are back in style for evenings.
Trish
I could not be happier that sheer black hose are in style for evening again. And, I might wear them for day, as well. I prefer a skirt suit as opposed to trousers but hate the way a black skirt looks with no hose.
Cat
Sheer black is now “back” for evenings.
For day, tbh I’m kind of taking a break from skirts and dresses. I wore black tights + skirt or dress for so many years that it feels boring. So I’m with the tween – bare leg feels new and fresh. But… since I’m only in the office 2x a week, and I don’t feel like dealing with hose or cold legs, I’ve been rotating among the same 4 pairs of pants all winter.
Anon
Definitely don’t take style advice from a tween, particularly on workwear.
Anon
Right, they’d have you wearing white sneakers with your dark/black day dress.
Anon
+1
Seriously.
But where do you live? I might make a different rec if you’re living in Chicago or San Francisco or Atlanta. Part of my rec depends on how cold it is.
I mean, the high school girls in my area (Chicago) pull their short Catholic school skirts as short as possible, have bare legs and short winter coats when it is below freezing with snow here. So yeah, those are not the girls who should be guiding your fashion choices.
Anon
It’s not the worst way to find out what might be the trend, which is what this person is asking. And she said she followed up by looking online, presumably at fashionable adult women and not tweens.
Anonymous
Please allow me a moment to be petty. A friend recently had a hysterectomy and it totally cured the pain she had from endometriosis. I am so, so happy for her. But also it is killing me a little bit inside because I have migraines and have tried everything and there is no surgery that will just make it better. I am relieved and happy for my friend and also out of my mind with jealousy and just really sad.
Vicky Austin
Oh, I think that’s a totally understandable response. I’m sorry for your health struggles. Hopefully sitting with and accepting your sadness and jealousy will help some.
Anon
If you haven’t seen a headache specialist in the last few years, there is a very new class of medications (CGRP inhibitors) that could be life changing for you!
Anon
Sorry, I realized you weren’t asking for suggestions. Feel your feelings, and please consider the above as a PSA to other migraineurs.
Anon
+1
I hear you OP.
My Mom had life long migraines that became daily after menopause and we never got a handle on it. Sometimes I think she was a saint… Some of us know how rough it is for you. I do encourage you to keep looking for another Headache specialist Neurologist if your current Doc is not trying new things. Ideally even travel to one of the major academic sites that has a Headache Center/Clinic and make sure you get to try all the new meds/procedures and even consider one of the inpatient protocols if you haven’t done it already. Things are changing every day, new discoveries. Don’t give up hope.
Sorry for being pushy… I’m sorry it sucks, and I hear you.
Anonymous
I used the have debilitating migraines, at least 2 a week, I tried so many meds and visited so many doctors without result. I went vegan for ethical reasons, then about a month in I realized I hadn’t had a migraine since I switched. Now I get migraines at most 2-3 times a year. I previously used to be vegetarian.
ProfP
Similar experience. I was really dubious, but after six years I totally believe this worked. Cutting out dairy was really really hard, but no migraines vs. migraines every other day is worth the sacrifice.
Anon
Thanks for sharing this.
Anon
So much sympathy for you. It’s so hard to realize that you’re never going to get better. With multiple medications and A LOT of lifestyle management, mine are kind of sort of manageable, but it’s still completely life altering- what I now consider normal would be horrible by most people’s standards.
Anonymous
Feel all the feelings! In this context it’s not pretty to mourn what you wish you could have.
I have chronic migraines, and had to just learn to live with them.
Anne-on
I totally get it. I also have migraines, POTS, and EDS which mirrors a lot of the symptoms of ‘long covid’. I STILL get ragey when people are like, ‘oh no, these symptoms are super debiliating! I can’t possibly live like this, we need to find a solution!’. While over here I’ve been called everything from lazy to a faker for having the exact same set of symptoms most of my life. Argh.
Another Anon
Another migraineur here that sympathizes with you. I have had them chronic/daily for almost a decade and they suck! It is especially hard since it is an invisible illness that people do not understand (which I totally get – I would not understand it if I did not have it). I know it is not curable but I keep up hope that adjusting my life to manage them better and trying new things (medications or life style) will help them get less in severity and frequency going forward.
dear reader
Anyone want to source a funeral suit for me? I’d like to get one, even though I don’t need a suit or formal wear for work since I work in a pretty casual industry. I’m looking ahead into the next few years though and know I’m going to need a funeral outfit more frequently soon. I’d like to get it now so I don’t have to think about it when I need it, and I think a classic black suit is a solid thing I should probably have at this point in life. Mid-thirties, slight hourglass body shape/mostly straight. Love flare and wide leg pants that are coming back, but I hate heels. Ready to spend around $300 for all pieces, could be talked into going higher but realistically not more than $500.
dear reader
oh and I live in upper Midwest, so cold snowy winters – skirts/dresses are out. I definitely want pants.
I do love a black sheath dress though, but realistically pants are easier. Although If I could find a set that would work all together – jacket, dress, pants – that I could mix and match – that would be awesome.
Anon
I will see you and raise you a longer black dress. If you wear a below-the-knee dress and tall boots, no one can tell if you are wearing fleece-lined leggings underneath. I value warmth and the ability to wear flat boots (which are pretty warm if they are tall boots). It is always cold and rainy for funerals and I don’t want heels impaling me into the grass.
Anon
I’ve gone to a lot of funerals and never wear a black suit, fwiw. Neither do most people. Anything relatively subdued work. I’ve worn any combo of pants and a blazer, sometimes just a blouse and a coat, a dress, etc. in darker colors. If you want a black suit, by all means get one but I wouldn’t worry about having it on hand for funerals.
Anon
+1, also a suit you buy today, even a very classic one, will likely look somewhat dated in a few years. I understand not wanting to buy a funeral outfit under duress, but depending on the circumstances, and time of year, you might not feel like wearing a suit. There are many clothing items I buy to have on hand (coats, boots, flip flops) but every time I’ve had a suit on hand, say for future interviews, it never looked quite right once the actual interview came along.
dear reader
That makes sense, especially looking at current silhouettes. Perhaps my eye will adjust to them eventually, but right now they don’t look like they have lasting power.
Cat
Why a suit? I see all sorts of attire at funerals (church appropriate if applicable) that’s not a suit. Think black pants, a muted blouse, and a black sweater, or a black or dark gray dress, etc. Lots of things that would be easier to also use in your regular wardrobe than a black suit.
Anon
I absolutely agree with having a go-to funeral outfit, but I literally never see women in suits at funerals.
My family also doesn’t subscribe to black only at funerals but YMMV (my mom wore a pink blazer to her mom’s funeral). I usually wear muted colors in a dress or skirt (burgundy dress and forest green dress to my 2 grandfathers funerals, black wool pencil skirt, grey turtleneck sweater, black tights to a coworkers funeral).
I don’t anticipate any upcoming funerals, but I have a plain black sheath dress (sleeveless) and the aforementioned forest green dress (long sleeves) which would be my funeral clothes should I need them.
I live in the northeast, but still probably wouldn’t wear pants to a funeral. I do have a black wool coat though, and am glad I have a dark dress coat for funerals. As much as I love my parka, it’s not funeral attire.
Anon
Suits are really weird right now and IMO they don’t age well. If you must have a suit, I’d go with BRF, but I don’t wear suits to funerals (even though I have black ones), but have gone with dark gray dress + jacket or black dresses.
Anon
Dillard’s has some nice black suits on sale right now.
Anon
I’ve never seen a woman in a suit at a funeral. I would get 2 black sheath dresses (1 for winter, 1 for summer). In the winter wear with tights and high black boots and a blazer. In the summer wear as is with closed toe shoes?
My go to funeral dress (also my favorite work dress!) is a black and dark grey short sleeve dress from loft. It’s a year round dress, so I wear it to all funerals. Dress is work appropriate so it’s church / funeral appropriate. It also has pockets which is great for tissue storage.
In the summer I wear it without a topper with black heels or mules and in the winter I wear it with black tights, black heeled booties, and a black blazer. You could obviously find shoe options without a heel.
Anon
I have a female family member (my parents’ generation) who is a lawyer and wears suits to funerals. But I agree it’s not super common.
Anon
I only see men in suits at funerals. Don’t get a suit just for a funeral.
Anonymous
I will be the voice of dissent. I wore suits to funerals and wakes for years because I was a trial attorney and it was my default serious, somber mode. Having a blazer always just made me feel better and it was likely clean and hanging in my closet. I liked feeling like myself during difficult times and think that’s ok. If people were judging I feel like that’s their problem.
Anon
I don’t think people are saying no suits at all. If you normally wear suits, wear a suit. But if you don’t wear suits, don’t buy a suit years in advance and hope it will still look good when you actually want to wear it. There are plenty of other pants based outfits you can wear for a funeral instead.
dear reader
Thanks for this perspective! I really relate to this – especially the “feeling like myself” part. even though I don’t wear suits for work, blazers and pants just feel a bit natural. Traditional type church clothes are not my favorite after spending ages 0-18 in them, and then intentionally letting all of that go for years 18-35. So there is an element to not feeling entirely comfortable in them. I don’t want to feel like I’m putting on the costume of my childhood church. Not that everyone is suggesting that (I see all the suggestions for dark pants + dark sweater – that makes a lot of sense, just maybe feels like it’s missing a third piece – blazer? In which case I think of this as a suit, but perhaps that’s not correct).
Anon
Would pants with a blouse and cardigan or sweater jacket work? That feels like a middle ground between business and churchy.
dear reader
Good thought on sweater jackets! This thread is giving me the right terms/direction to look for. You’re right, it’s a middle ground I’m looking for.
Anonymous
+ 1.
Anon
Fwiw, I commented above that I don’t see suits, not that they’re inappropriate or anything. If OP doesn’t have one already then this isn’t the category I’d buy a suit for.
nuqotw
I also wear dark suits to funerals. It’s easy and appropriate. I’d look at the guidelines for interview suits elsewhere on this s*te and try to get something like that.
Anon
Agree with no suit. Just make sure you have on hand (that fit) black pants and a dark blouse/sweater to pair with it (winter) and a black dress and/or black cardigan/topper for summer/spring. You can make a funeral appropriate outfit out of all of those and can also repurpose the separates for other occasions.
dear reader
okay I hear you – no suits! :) That’s helpful. This reminded me to think church type clothes. I feel a little “oh duh” about this, but won’t beat myself up too much…I’m a bit allergic to that whole genre after being raised in a very church orientated family with a strong emphasis on “modesty” (toward the girls only, of course). But duh, that IS the appropriate dress for funerals and I don’t have a problem with that.
Anonymous
Funeral dressing is HARD. Good on you for planning ahead. I went through a few years of laying out all my black dresses on the bed the night before the funeral and choosing the least awful option (so many were cocktaily). After three awful funerals in a row where I was dressed oddly I got with the program and bought a simple navy sheath dress. (My work is very casual and it’s definitely not a party dress so funerals are one of the few places I wear it.)
dear reader
Yes, this is exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I had to go to a funeral last year and the black wrap dress I thought was perfectly appropriate turned out to be awful when I walked, and it was very annoying. That was a funeral for someone who I wasn’t very close with; I really don’t want to deal with indecision on outfits when it comes to some of these funerals (unfortunately not so distant) that I know I’m going to be a mess at.
Anon
Yeah – sorry to pile on, but you’ll look out of place at most funerals in a black pantsuit.
Emma
I mean, get a black suit if you want one. BR still has decent suiting options but my local store shut down so YMMV. It’s not the best time for suits right now, and I agree that most women don’t wear suits to funerals. If you want pants, I would do reasonably dressy pants (could be suit pants or something like the Jcrew Minnie) and a nice simple black sweater, possibly with a scarf to add a bit of formality. You could wear boots with that outfit, it’s probably not the height of fashion but it’s appropriate in my opinion. I’m in Canada and wear a sheath dress with tights and flats boots if it’s cold, but up to you!
Anonymous
I have only been to a few funerals, and generally wear a dress and blazer combination that is not all black, but I did wear a black suit to the last one because I wanted to wear a “tribute” t-shirt to the deceased bearing a symbol representing an interest of hers. I felt just fine wearing it, and if I was out of place it was because it kind of just symbolized what I am — the litigator niece who travelled from big city to attend small town family funeral. Most of all I was glad not to have to find an outfit last minute for an unexpected occasion, so I am with you on being prepared.
Anon
Agree you do not need a suit here. Don’t out-widow the widow. You want to be one level down in “mourning attire” from the immediate family. Any dark colored dress or pants-top will be fine.
Anon
I don’t think wearing a suit is “one-upping” the widow. That’s a weird take.
Anon
It’s an old expression meaning leave the mourning to the immediate family.
I’ve been to funerals recently where they asked attendees to wear bright colors, so I don’t think investing in mourning attire is necessarily something anyone needs to do anymore.
Anon
I know what ‘don’t out-widow the widow’ means, I just don’t think it applies here. I’ve never been to a funeral where anyone wore bright colors and I think that would be very unusual unless specifically requested. It’s not wrong to wear a dark suit, even if most women don’t.
Anon
google circle of grief
Anon
Circle of grief means don’t vent to the widow/parent/child about devastated you are. It doesn’t mean don’t wear a dark suit. Wearing normal funeral attire, even if it skews overly formal, isn’t burdening the immediate family with your grief.
Trish
We wear dark colors out of respect for the family. I would have been shocked if a friend showed up at my mother’s funeral in a bright color. Of course, navy and grey are acceptable. I don’t get the trend where people think they can skip the sad part and go straight to the celebration.
dear reader
Some of the funerals I’m referring to are my grandparents, who I’m close with, so not super concerned about levels of mourning there. Unfortunately recent prognosises have put those in the foreseeable future. But I do hear you on the suits are not necessary.
Anon
I wore a black work dress and a black cardigan to my mom’s funeral, with tan shoes because it was summer. No one wore more black than that. This fall I went to the funeral of a dear friend and wore navy blue.
If you want a black suit go for it. But I will tell you that after my mom’s funeral, I never wore that black dress to work again and eventually threw it out. So don’t spend too much money!
Anon
I’ve been to many, many funerals (not people I know, it’s a job thing, anyway…) and I’ve seen just about every outfit you can imagine. A suit is definitely on the more formal end and might not feel appropriate depending on the situation. A simple black (or dark blue, grey, brown etc) dress is perfect and you can add a sweater or jacket over the top depending on the weather. It won’t feel out of place in most funeral situations. Alternatively if you are more of a trouser person, dark colored trousers and a similarly understated top is fine. Basically, keep it simple and dark and you’ll fit in for most funerals. The exception is if the family requests guests to wear a certain color or dress in a more upbeat way, which does also happen. In that case just follow whatever is requested.
Knee replacement recovery
My mom is having her knee replaced next week. She’s in ok health but not great fitness because the excruciating knee pain. What’s recovery like?
My dad has some mobility issues so I’m just trying to plan if they will need more assistance over the next few weeks or months. My brother and I are both about an hour away and can help out on weekends as needed.
anon_needs_a_break
following, my mom is planning to get hers later this year. I’ve heard everything from “not bad” to “weeks to months of being couch-bound”
Mar
The recovery is LONG. My mom had hers done in early 2021, and it is just now feeling normal. A couple of people told her that it would get significantly better at about 3 months out, and that was true for her. Make sure to discuss pain management with her (my mom is terrified of opiods, so she didn’t fill the prescription, which made it hard the first day when she needed it) and make sure she has all the stool softeners on hand. I stayed with my mom for the first week – it wasn’t hard labor, but I ran up and down stairs and helped her get in and out of bed to go to the bathroom at night, and up and down from her chair the first few days. I was worried about leaving her after a week, but she was fine.
My mom only got 24 hours in the hospital due to covid – if your mom can stay longer, that would definitely be better. Also, she is considering going to a recovery home for the next knee, and I am very much in favor of that. It is major surgery, and I really didn’t feel capable of taking care of her the way I would have liked her to be taken care of. My in laws have both had joints replaced and live in a country where 3 – 6 weeks of in-patient care is typical after these surgeries, and they seemed to heal much faster and with less pain.
Anon
I have a good friend who ended up with opioid addiction issues following a joint replacement with some complications, so your mom is smart.
Anonymous
I was advised against having one (by my GYN) for this very reason. I told him I don’t have “an addictive personality” and he said it doesn’t matter. So I am scared off permanently.
Mar
Yes, but when you are vomiting in pain… you need something. The 3 pills that we picked up from the pharmacy were enough to get her through and not enough to get her addicted. There is a place for opiods – just not being handed 30 days of them like I was after dental surgery 5 years ago!
Anon
Wow!
Anon
There really isn’t a safe lower limit that is “not enough to get her addicted.” I’m not saying the meds don’t also serve a valid purpose, but there is really no way to guarantee you won’t get addicted even with a small, short term dose.
Anon
I agree with both not taking opioids unless abbbbbsolutely necessary, and also the ridiculousness of dentists giving 30 day prescriptions. Dental surgeons were routinely giving them to teens having their wisdom teeth out – 30 days?
And do you know why it was 30 days? Because the pharmaceutical reps gave them pre-printed rx pads that said 30 days. It’s not an urban myth that the pharmaceutical companies wanted to create new addicts as part of their marketing strategy – it’s well documented.
Anon
Yes, severe pain can interfere with sleep and is worse when tired so pain management is important.
NYNY
Recovery from knee replacement can vary a lot. I’ve had a partial replacement – technically a patellofemoral replacement – and my mother had both knees replaced. I expect that I’ll need at least one full replacement at some point.
Find out if her surgeon expects to keep her in the hospital after the surgery and if so, for how long. Knee replacement used to always be an inpatient service, but is being done as an outpatient or with a short inpatient stay more frequently now, mostly because insurance companies don’t want to pay for the admission. If she will be discharged the same day as the surgery, you need to know what care is required and you may want to stay with her for at least a couple of days or arrange for a home health aid. You also can push back because of your father’s mobility issues, explaining that she doesn’t have the support she needs to be discharged same-day.
Physical therapy should start immediately after surgery, and the standard of care is to see a PT before discharge to check range of motion and get her up and walking with assistance, and then to have PT through home health for the first week home. After that, she will likely need outpatient PT 3X/week for 6-8 weeks, then taper down to 1-2X/week for another couple of months. She’ll need a walker when she leaves the hospital, and will transition to a cane over time. She won’t be able to drive herself to PT in the beginning, so if your Dad can’t drive, she’ll need transportation.
If she can get an ice circulator compression sleeve, do it, even if it costs extra. She will need to ice frequently, and this contraption ices and compresses at the same time, which helps immensely with pain and swelling. If you have one of these, you’ll need a lot of ice, so you may want to buy a few bags if your parents have the freezer space to spare. It also makes sense to get a couple of large gel ice packs ahead of time and stash them in the freezer.
Both of your parents will have mobility issues for a while, so there needs to be a strategy in place for meals. Your Mom will need good nutrition while she’s healing, including protein and calcium, but she may not have much appetite.
Hit me up with any other questions. And I hope the surgery goes well! It really was life-changing for my Mom.
Anon
This is really excellent advice. Follow it all.
Hydrate, protein, multivitamin. Keep the bowels moving! Miralax is your friend. Treat the pain so she is able to do all the exercises/PT. Make sure there is enough assistance in the home they will need, by either having family stay or hiring help/gathering friends to help.
Just also know that it will be painful for her, and she definitely should have a plan that she discussed with her doctor before the surgery for treating the pain. A mix of medications/topicals/cold and back-ups should be planned and offered. To opt out of a few opioids when it may be the most effective way for her to recover is short-sighted. The vast majority of people who develop addiction are not elderly folks after surgery, who have severe post-surgical pain and no major risk factors for addiction. Does your parent have a history of alcoholism/drug abuse/mental health disorders/abuse/suicide attempts/stealing pain meds from others? Also, you didn’t mention what she is taking now for her pain, but whomever is treating her currently (rheumatologist? Primary Care?) probably knows her well (I hope!) and should discuss with her how to treat pain before the surgery.
Because it is critical that she do her PT – which includes not just the sessions with the PT in an outpatient clinic but the exercises she is expected to do at home on her own. And unfortunately, many of the folks who don’t do well after surgery aren’t able to stick with the rehab plan, with a common reason being pain.
Anon
I have a big closet with builder-grade shelves that I think will pull out of the walls at some point. It is also needs to be repainted. I have some $ saved for the “closet people” in my city to do some work. Would you repaint before? After?
I have a long wall and fantasize about putting up mirrored tiles and having a ballet barre (and then realize that I’m not 7, but counter with posture being important and this would possibly help, and then it becomes an endless loop and another day goes by without calling said closet people). But has anyone done this? Did you use it or was it just what the Brits would call a “folly”?
Anon
Painting is so much easier without shelving to dance around. You may need to touch up after things are installed; that is not nearly as involved as trying to paint around hardware, though.
Anon
As for the painting, I’d do it after the current shelves are pulled out and before the new ones are installed. If that’s not an option, then I’d do it after the new shelving is installed because it might not line up with the old exactly and any gaps in the paint would drive me insane.
I have no insight into the barre situation. Other than to say, do what you want to your own house with the understanding that stuff like that outside the norm may be a pain if you ever decide to sell.
Maudie Atkinson
A custom closet was the best money I ever spent on my old house, and the only thing I insisted on doing before I moved into my new house. Absolutely do it, and definitely paint before. The closet people will tell you that, too.
Re: ballet barre, I’ve considered doing the same thing in my house and still plan to at some point. If you’re worried about the permanence of it, you can get a portable one, including a very narrow one. The real question is whether YOU would use it. None of us can answer that for you. But if you would use it, I don’t think the resale issue should deter you. Enjoy your house while you’re in it.
dear reader
I vote put the barre in! I teach and love yoga, but I maintain that barre stretches (with an actual barre) are the BEST. It’s such an easy thing to do and undo later if you don’t want it (or sell the house), I think if you want it at all – which you obviously do – you should definitely put it in. And you’re right, posture is important.
NYNY
YES to the barre! I had one as a teenager when I was in a small ballet company and I loved it. My Dad just put up some prefab stair railing on shelf-type brackets, which would be really easy to take down when/if you sell. So much better than using the back of the couch (which is what I do now)!
Anonymous
I would put up a nice big full-length mirror in a frame, not mirrored tiles. You don’t need a whole wall of mirrors for one person unless you are doing across-the-floor exercises, which I doubt you would really do outside of class. Add a portable freestanding barre. So much classier, more elegant, and less permanent than mirrored tiles and a wall barre.
Anon
I am also a seven year old at heart and want a mirrored wall with and barre!
boo
Job coach (life coach) suggestions? I burned out of law and have zero idea what to do next. At the very least I think the accountability to another person would be good for me.
dear reader
Ugh, I wish I knew a good recommendation. I really do feel that there’s value in coaches that doesn’t fit into a lot of traditional therapy, especially with action plans and accountability. However the online coaching world really is a huge rabbit hole you can fall right down into and there’s a lot of well intentioned but barely qualified “coaches”. A lot of popular big time “coaches” basically operate as MLMs, because they’re training you to do what they did – and they’re pretty convincing at it – and this creates this whole universe of coaches coaching coaches to make and train more coaches. I didn’t realize this until I was coming out of it and started unfollowing a lot of people – then all of a sudden I was like whoa. I hope someone has a better recommendation!
anon
I would talk to your mentors who know your strengths and weaknesses already. Within their circles they have seen many people move on from private practice and can give you an idea of how those peoples’ paths worked out. This may even entail reaching out to an old professor or two from your law school to see what they think.
anomanom
I had a fantastic experience working with Sheila Wilkinson (who I found through a referral here). A former lawyer as well, and did more to help me through to the other side of burnout and figuring out how to make a place for myself with my skill set than any therapist ever did.
Anonymous
The Former Lawyer Podcast may be a good resource. The host interviews former lawyers about why and how they left the law and what they do now. The woman who hosts is does have a coaching business as well, but no experience with or opinions on that. The interviews are interesting and she has been doing it for a few years so there is a good backlog of folks that are in many different industries now.
anon
Do you have a burner email? I go through similar feelings — if you’re open to chatting with a fellow lawyer who is not a life coach (simply a reader of this site), would be happy to connect!
Anonymous
Same here; happy to chat with another attorney that feels the same way I do! :)
Anon
I worked with Charles Story a few years ago and really found our time together useful:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/charlesstory
Anonymous
Help me with words (maybe?) here. One of my oldest friends keeps having CABI parties. I went to one, think the clothes are fug and overpriced and they had nothing over size 10 to even try on. My friend had like 30 people there of whom I knew 2, so it wasn’t a great bonding or anything. She lives 35 minutes across town and I didn’t like driving home at 10 at night. I’m also very very against MLMs.
She keeps having these f’ing things. I don’t think she’s making money off them although she gets the free clothes budget from having the parties. I think she’s honestly surprised I haven’t come. She just issued a new invitation.
Do I need to say anything other than “Sorry I can’t come, have fun without me!” Or should I say something like “I’m continuing my boycott of MLMs so can’t come, but have a great time without me!”
anon
Maybe it’s the cowardly approach, but I basically ignore these invites unless someone directly asks if I’ll be there. And then I use the “sorry, can’t make it!” line. Only a handful of times have I been brave enough to say that I’m not in the market for product XYZ.
I hate how MLMs are inescapable at this point if you’re in a certain age bracket.
HFB
I’d just go with the first one. #2 just needlessly invites conflict and hurt feelings.
dear reader
+1. In general, someone who accepts graciously without hurt feelings that not everyone is going to like their MLM, is not the person pushing MLM parties. I wouldn’t put that front and center if you want to keep the friendship.
Anon
Or “Hi, CABI parties turned out not to be my thing, but happy to grab lunch/coffee 1:1 next week”.
Anon
+1
Emma
+2. I had one friend who got very moody about how I wasn’t supporting her “career” by buying useless c**p, and unfortunately that friendship fizzled out. Ugh, MLMs.
anon
Why don’t MLMers get that their friends are not obligated to buy sh!t they don’t need or want? Ugh, don’t get me started. I have had a close friendship strained by an MLM. It recovered, but now she’s on to a new one. I get that she’s between a rock and a hard place as a SAHM who needs some cash flow but also? I make my own decisions about how to spend my money.
dear reader
I have a distant cousin who is doing Cutco. He’s probably 10 years younger than me and we did go to some family functions growing up, but I have never talked to him as an adult. He messaged me a couple weeks ago asking if I would sit down with him to hear about his new career that he was really trying to succeed at. I kindly replied no, I was not interested but wished him good luck. He sent back a message that included “congratulations on all your success” which felt a bit snarky.
Vicky Austin
Ugh, I nearly got suckered by Cutco myself as an 18-year-old. They’re so predatory.
Vicky Austin
Like, in the inevitable Facebook group for said parties? “Sorry, I can’t come, have fun without me” is plenty.
If she asks you directly? “I’m not comfortable with the MLM business model, so I’d prefer not to be invited. Do you want to get coffee next week?”
anon
With that second response, be prepared for the blowback and for the friendship to fizzle out.
Anonymous
Just say no and move on.
Anonymous
“No thanks, the clothes aren’t my style. Have fun!”
Anon
Yes–Rodan & Fields swept through my friend group a few years ago. I have super-sensitive acne-prone skin, and they just could not understand why I didn’t want to spend 10X on products that might break me out for weeks afterward. And the pitches were so, so aggressive. I finally told off one of my friends and our friendship has not been the same since. Tread carefully.
dear reader
I teach yoga and I have a student who is currently trying to sell me on L’Bri. After she approached me a second time (I brushed off the first noncommittally), I explained I am very careful with things I put on my skin because I have a long history of cystic acne that I’ve spent a lot of years working with dermatologists dealing with. She replied, “oh that’s exactly what this was created for.” palm to face.
Anon
I have a good inner circle friend who hosts jewelry parties. I don’t remember the brand but a similar concept to CABI parties but cheaper as it’s costume jewelry.
I have not been to a single one of her parties, I’ve never had the MLM “talk” with her, and we are still good friends.
Just don’t go if you don’t want to go.
Anon
It’s funny to read some of these. I bought a little utility knife and some kitchen scissors from the 19 year old daughter of a friend who was trying out selling for Cutco while she was in college. They’re actually great! And then my husband got a set of steak knives from his storage locker that had belonged to his family and they’re also Cutco. They’re no newer than the mid 1970s and probably older, and still going strong.
And my friend’s sister sold R+F for a while as a side hustle. She was never aggressive and after I tried a whole skincare regimen, I ended up only liking one product, which I continued to buy from her for a long time. No pressure.
The daughter who sold Cutco for a while works a regular office job now, the sister who sold R+F never quit her main job and has moved up the ladder there so stopped doing the side hustle.
I watched the lularoe documentary and was as horrified as anyone else watching it, but my two data points just show me that not everyone becomes a MLM “hun.” I wouldn’t demonize your friend over this unless she pulls the “if you’re my friend you will support my business” BS. If she’s just inviting you and you don’t want to go, don’t go. But it doesn’t need to be a big deal otherwise.
anon
I agree with all of this! I use Lash Boost because it is a good product, and that’s it.
anon for this
After months of thinking about it, I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday to start the process of sorting through the Big Questions in my life (should I stay married, what makes me happy, how do I turn my dreams into reality). It’s hard for me to think about these things, and I’ve never said them out loud. Pretty sure I’m just going to sob my way through the hour. That’s not unusual, right?
Anon
Not unusual at all. Congrats to you on taking this step.
SSJD
Not unusual to sob a lot! I am proud of you and really happy for you. Good luck. You deserve the work it will take–invest in yourself and the reward is worth the effort.
Vicky Austin
Not unusual at all. The first time I sought therapy, it was on my college campus. The intake person who was going to assign me to one of her students for the long-term looked at me and said, “You’ve had some hard days recently, huh?” with such kindness that I immediately burst into tears. Therapists are quite used to it.
Good for you!
pugsnbourbon
I took it as a good sign when my therapist had to refill her tissues after our session. I was digging into some stuff.
Anon
I just started therapy to talk through some big things I had not really talked much about to anyone (my grief over my son growing up/leaving home soon, and also ongoing issues with my dysfunctional family of origin) and I’ve cried a ton in every single appointment so far. But I feel so much better and lighter afterwards. It’s totally worth it, IMO.
Gigi
How old was your child when they started daycare?
Anon
16 months and that worked out well for my family. But most of my friends’ kids started around 3-4 months, and there are plenty of kids who never go to daycare at all. There’s no one right answer.
Anonymous
5 months
Emma
I’m in Canada so fortunate to have a long mat leave, but we are looking to do a gradual introduction at about 10 months, and full time at 11 months.
Cb
A year, but it’s hard to find spots for under a year in the Uk. I went back to work at 6 months, and my dad moved over and nannied.
Curious
11 months, and even though it meant going to one nap too early, it was really a good age.
Anonymous
Nine weeks. Financially I had no other choice, and at the time I was devastated. She’s ten now, and with hindsight I can see that it all worked out fine. Not suggesting others start this early if they don’t have to/want to, but offering reassurance to anyone in a similar position
Anonymous
13 weeks
Anon
10 weeks.
Anan
First kid- 11 weeks
Second kid – 10 months (but i had parents help from the timeI went back to work two weeks after he was born)
Third kid- 3 years old, Thanks COVID.
Lily
Both were around 6 months old when they started. First week was hard for me emotionally, but at that age there isn’t a ton of separation anxiety. I think people who start their kids closer to 1 have a harder time.
JTM
Kid 1 (pre-COVID) started at 12wks old
Kid 2 (born Feb 2020) started at like 5mos old because of daycare closures
SSJD
First kid: 15 months (we did a nanny share first with another family)
Second kid: 10 weeks or so
Third kid: 2 years (home with an au pair until that age)
Lots of different arrangements. There are pros and cons to each!
Anon
Au pairs can take care of newborns? I thought there were age restrictions. I only know people who’ve had them for older kids.
Anon
They can care for babies if they have prior experience with babies. The have to be “infant qualified.”
BeenThatGuy
8 months. I went back to work when he was 4 months old and used a combo of a nanny and grandma for the next 4 months. That didn’t work out well for me (bad fit with the nanny and controlling grandma). Daycare made my life so much easier!
Anon
We had a nanny at home until age 2, when the kids were old enough for the fabulous daycare/preschool that I drive by on my way to the office.
Anonymous
You’ll get better responses if you post this on the mom’s page.
Anon
Well there are a ton of responses here so I think it doesn’t really matter.
Anon
I’ve had three so it has varied from 6 weeks to 2 years 9 months. (Husband was a SAHD for a while with #2 & #3.)
Anon
Day care at 3 months for both. I could only take that much time off work.
Seventh Sister
About three months. My youngest started a bit earlier than that because I spend a month doing just a few days at the office then went to full-time after a big holiday. FWIW, he rarely got sick because I think living with his big sister sort of inoculated him from some of the daycare gunk (she got all the colds as a baby but was a robust preschooler at the same place).
NYCer
My kids never went to daycare because a nanny worked / works better for our schedule. Both my daughters did go to part time preschool (9-12, regular school calendar) for 3s and 4s. Two mornings a week for 2s.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
Kid 1: 11 weeks. Kid 2: 15 months Kid 3: super part time (one a week, if that) 8 months-15 months, then part time @ 15 months.
They all left daycare to go to part time preschool the fall after they turned 3.
I held off until they were old enough for the toddler room because I had a part time sitter, then worked part time, so had the schedule to make it happen.
I did it and would do it again sending my oldest @ 11 weeks but if I had the option not to, I’d hold off. They are SO LITTLE and she got RSV 3x before 6 months old which had an impact on her breathing until age 4.5 (she’s fine now). #2 had 8 ear infections from 15 months to age 2.
Anon
6 months and 9 months
Pomme-Grenade
My twin started at 15 months. I am in Canada so I was very fortunate to have a paid leave of 12 months and then took another extra 3 months leave as I knew that it would be my only pregnancy/mat leave and I wanted to make the most of it.
Anon
5 months for the first. It wasn’t a hard adjustment and it gave me a few weeks to get my life organized before my mat leave ended.
7 months for the second, because I took a longer unpaid Mat leave so that my kid would be Covid vaxxed and have the flu shot before he went into daycare in early 2021. It was a little harder adjustment but that may just be because he had a different personality than my first, or because I had to go back full time the day he started so did not ease into it like I did with the first. I think it was the different personality though!
Anon
I’m confused – kids under 5 weren’t eligible for the Covid vaccine until summer 2022. How did you get it for a baby in 2021?
Anon
Jumping in — has anyone done a closet that really knocked it out of the park? I have a long and narrow closet and no non-critter or water-risk storage areas. I’d like almost garage-strength cabinets up high for storing camping gear and out of season clothes and doubt that pretty finishes would hold up (or would pull out of the wall). Currently, I just have a lot of rubbermaid tubs on the floor. Ceilings are high enough that I’d need a ladder or stepstool for anything over 7″. This isn’t too ambitious of an ask, is it? I don’t need something that resembles a boutique (but that would be nice), just something more useful and less grad-school.
Curious
I thought a huge amount about our main bedroom closet, decided it was great except we needed to move a chest out and add some shelves, bought a $100 4*2 cube shelving unit, got pretty cube inserts and some dividers for sweaters, and am SO HAPPY. It will cost more to do my daughter’s, so I keep putting it off. But the point is, if you think a lot about what you need to make it functional, it can be pretty easy.
Curious
(Oh, and I skipped the part where you knew what you want to do. Cabinets make sense! Mount them into studs or have someone do it! I think pretty finishes can work; you just want good quality cabinets to be strong.
Maudie Atkinson
I said this above, but I’ve put custom closets in two houses. What you’re asking for is not too ambitious.
I didn’t do super high end (no lighting, composite rather than solid wood, etc.), so I don’t think it’s “boutique-grade,” but I put in some floor to ceiling shelving, two stacks of drawers, hanging areas, shoe racks, and a small bench for putting shoes on.
For me, it was easily worth the money I spent, both times. It’s space I use everyday, it made it more functional and prettier, both the shelving itself and because things are organized. It freed up space in my bedroom because I didn’t need dressers. I use the highest shelves for luggage and off-season clothes, and I don’t worry about anything coming out of the wall.
Anonymous
I have a 10″ narrow closet and I had my reno contractor install a high u-shaped wood shelf on which I have stored off-season clothes and linens in those fabric pop-up boxes in coordinating colors/patterns. It is suprisingly sturdy and holds a lot of stuff. I initially asked him to place the shelf high enough for me to slide metal clothes racks underneath — the kind on wheels that could be pulled in and out and never bend under pressure and can be two stacked racks instead of just one. Ultimately, the shelf was a few inches too low for that (or at least for the racks I had purchased), and instead I have a heavy wooden dowel across the full space that is somehow doing A LOT of work without failure for 6 years. So it can be done. I have enough depth to also be able to use the floor space below the rack for suitcases, a chest, and a couple of other large fabric boxes, and also to slide rolling metal shoe racks into the two sides in front of the hanging clothes. (I keep the clothes in heavy rotation to the center of the dowel so they are unobstructed, and less worn items to the ends where the racks are somewhat in the way.) It is working really well to store too much stuff and the only permanent structures are the shelf and long dowel. I am about to have my other small closet set up the same way because the elfa shelving is not sturdy enough to hold the coats I want to store in there.
Anonymous
10′ long
Not 10″ wide. That would be very narrow!!
Anonymous
Whoa, Cup of Jo just announced she’s divorcing. Sad for her and the kids… and wondering who gets the $4MM townhouse.
Anon
Sounds like she gets the townhouse. The post said Alex is living in an apartment. It was obviously bought with her money, being a reporter (even for NYT) is not that lucrative. I’m not surprised, he’s been AWOL from her social media for a while and she was clearly doing family vacations and holidays without him the last few months.
NYCer
Agreed, I suspected they had been separated or considering divorce for a while.
Coach Laura
Same
Anon
OMG! I can’t believe this! I have some reading to catch up on! I thought they were renting that townhouse.
Anon
Nope. She is Rich with a capital R. https://nypost.com/2017/04/18/popular-lifestyle-blogger-outed-as-buyer-of-4m-brooklyn-home/
Vicky Austin
Storage for 900 wine bottles?? Wowza.
Anon
Good for her. I love her blog and love to see a woman successful like that. I was very sorry to hear about her divorce.
Anon
Everything on her blog is sponsored, despite her non-disclosure.
Anon
You know this how?
Which is not to say it is not true. I do not follow this person and know nothing about her or her life, but I have a friend who had a similar accusations made in her direction and it was not true and was damaging to her brand so I am sensitive to people making that kind of claim with no evidence.
Anon
well…. 4 million dollar townhouse….
Anon
That NY Post article says she has 5 million page views per month and it’s probably gone up a lot since then. You can make bank just from that. It varies, but a decent rule of thumb is $30 per 1,000 page views and according to that metric she’d be making $150,000 per month just from bl0g ads. So yeah she’s not poor.
That said, I think she does a lot of stuff that’s sponsored and not disclosed. Most influencers/bl0ggers do.
Anon
Wow- I am surprised by both these things (the divorce and the $$$ townhouse). Good for her for building an empire.
Anon
Any tips on dealing with a family member struggling with mental health challenges that involve him wanting to use family and friends as free therapists for hours on end, getting defensive about any suggestion to seek professional help, and using his own trauma as a weapon to shut people up when they say things like “I’m worried” or “that concerns me”? I’m doing all I can to set boundaries, including not picking up the phone and making it clear when I am not available, but then I just get emails instead and get accused of not being supportive. I believe he is truly mentally ill and I know that it is not my responsibility nor within my skill set to fix it, but how do you get by in the day to day when this is going on?
BeenThatGuy
I’m sorry your family is going through this. Through my own families experience, it’s best you call 211. They will help guide you through getting this family member help.
For anyone that doesn’t know about 211, this is a blub from their website “211 works a bit like 911. Calls to 211 are routed by the local telephone company to a local or regional calling center. The 211 center’s referral specialists receive requests from callers, access databases of resources available from private and public health and human service agencies, match the callers’ needs to available resources, and link or refer them directly to an agency or organization that can help.”
Anon
Following with no advice. Family member is suffering through post-divorce trauma but I just cannot have a relationship with someone who wants just endless listening time and to have the talking stick 100% of the time with no breaks or concerns for others. Relationships are mutual. Or professional. But not both. Go to a pro.
Anonymous
Response to not being accusations of not being supportive is ‘ I am supporting you to the best of my ability. I do not have the ability to provide additional support. If you need additional support, x or y are good resources.’
Repeat ad naseum. Do not explain or justify further.
Monday
I went through a phase like this with my mom years ago. It was awful. She screamed at me when I suggested she see a therapist, and when my sister suggested it to her separately, she even reportedly said “but I have Monday [me].”
Unfortunately there is no solution you’re missing here. You just calmly restate that you’re out of your depth and suggest that they see a therapist. It’s great if you can say that you yourself have gone to counseling too–that makes it clear you’re not putting them down or saying they’re crazy. Don’t reply to the emails, and only talk to them when you’re up to it. Don’t express your (totally understandable) anger at them, vent if you need to with others who are stable and can support you. I’m sorry. My relationship with my mom is great now, and I hope that you and your family member also come through this with time.
Anon
Depends on how close you are to this family member I guess. I’m going through this with my young adult son. He is not in denial about his issues (depression and anxiety) but it took a long time to get in with a therapist, and when he did finally meet with her it was a lot of “mm hmm” and “that sounds tough” with no real advice. Right now, he needs me to be his sounding board, giver of comfort and love, and also to be the stable person to do the footwork of finding practitioners to help him.
Does your family member have one person in his life willing to be that person? The “system” is very tough to navigate for someone like me who is educated and mentally stable, and can seem impossible to those who are in the middle of a crisis.
Anne-on
I would 100% be willing to offer more support for a child (esp. a younger adult child who may not have experience navigating health plans) vs. a fully grown adult or parent. Sorry but after a certain age I think you should realize that your EAP/health plan/google/online therapy/self help books exist for a reason. I can be sympathetic and help id solutions or point out next steps but I am no ones unpaid therapist and I don’t tolerate continued bad behavior just because someone is family.
Anon
It’s my father. My mother is bearing a worse burden than I am already. I don’t think I could ask her to do more when she’s already seeking care for her own stress about everything. It’s frustrating because it’s so clear to the entire family that my father needs professional help, but he wants to insist he’s fine even while yelling at us on the phone about all of his problems and getting totally unmoored by every setback.
Anon
I’m so sorry. That’s really hard. Since your father is an adult and should know the world by now, I think I’d give him an ultimatum like “I’m not talking with you about this until you make that appointment” and focus your energy on supporting your mom. Hugs to you.
Anon
Here’s something that worked with my father….
My Dad had a pretty good primary care doctor, who had been following my Dad for years. I emailed that doctor, maybe called him too…. and told him I was very worried that my Dad was depressed and described his behavior. I emphasized the impact and damage it was having on immediate family. I emphasized his resistance to talking with a provider about what was going on.
And then I helped schedule a regular follow-up appointment with his doctor. My Dad went in and they talked with the normal stuff… blood pressure blah blah… and then the doctor asked how he was sleeping… and then how his mood was doing. Just very casual, letting the conversation go where it would. And my Dad admitted right away how he was feeling. Like it was nothing! And the doctor started a medication on the spot, and referred him to a psychiatrist/therapist. The doctor also was great at integrating the medication with other aspects of his health… like this may help your sleep problem, which is having a negative impact on your cardiovascular health. And this may help your pain issues, so you can be more active again, like you want to be.
So honestly, I’m making it sound a little easier than it was, but with a team effort from family and his doctor, we got my Dad treated. The end result was a profound improvement in everything, for everyone.
It is very very common for depression/anxiety to be undertreated in men, especially older men with aging. Often irritability is a more common manifestation for depression in men. If you can start with health care relationships your Dad already has, it can be easier than trying to reach out on your own for a therapist.
When I tried to find a therapist for my Dad, they actually refused to schedule an appointment (or even answer my questions!) until my father called on his own! That was crazy! Yet, not in their mind…. It is so hard to find a good therapist these days, they knew they could reject any patient they want to for any reason, so if the patient wasn’t motivated themselves to “get better” and schedule their own appointments, this clinic refused to see them. Of course, this process was awful, and selected against patients who were severely ill.
Anon
Thank you all for the responses. Unfortunately the situation is spiraling really badly just since I posted this. God, this sucks.
Anon
Sorry to heat that. Then it’s time to contact his doctor. It’s for your Mom, and yes, he may be angry… but it has to be done.
Doctor’s cannot reveal personal medical information to you if you aren’t a medical power of attorney or he has released his medical info, but you can contact them and tell them anything.
Cat problems
I have a 17 year old cat who has a digestion issue that prevents her from digesting the normal amount of nutrients from food so she is hungry more often. I feed her before I go to bed around 10-11pm but she wakes up around 3am and then around 6am meowing very loudly. I always get up and feed her right away so that she doesn’t wake my husband and kids up. Sometimes she keeps meowing because later in the morning I will warm up a blanket for a few minutes in the dryer and she sleeps on that for half the day so I think she wants her blanket earlier. Her meowing during these hours is very loud if I ignore her. Anyway, needless to say I have not been getting much sleep. Does anyone have any ideas? I don’t think there is much I can do but thought I would check with this wise group!
Anonymous
A heated blanket! My cat also needs a night feed but a heated blanket in his favorite spot keeps him asleep longer and I think it makes him more comfortable
Anon
I do the same! I keep it folded at the foot of my bed and on low all night. Keeps my feet warm too!
anon
Automatic food dispenser? Plug in cat bed that heats up (my old cat who was very skinny loved these – they are motion activated and very cozy).
Anon
Can she eat dry food? My cats literally cried for hours every day until we just gave up and left dry food out all day. They also get wet food,but they’re so much happier now and their stress induced urinary issues also went away.
smurf
Can you set up an automatic feeder? Some of the nicer ones let you schedule 4-5 times a day to feed and set different amounts if necessary. If it’s wet food, could you just leave some extra out overnight, or is the issue she’d overeat in one sitting and still be hungry in a few hours?
Hugs, senior pets can be hard!
anon
When my cat was that age, she loved the food that’s like a broth. It comes in pouches. I found she was more likely to go back to that in the middle of the night than leftover wet food.
OP
Thank you for the replies!! We do have an automatic feeder for dry food but she likes wet food. I just bought a heated cat bed and a self warning pad from Amazon though – thanks for those ideas! And I will look into the soupy food too! Appreciate the ideas!
Anon
There are automatic feeders that also work with wet food. I’ve not tried any but here’s an example:
https://www.amazon.com/iPettie-Automatic-Programmable-Dispenser-Batteries/dp/B086X2499Y/ref=sr_1_7?keywords=automatic+cat+feeder+wet+food&qid=1676058327&sr=8-7&ufe=app_do%3Aamzn1.fos.006c50ae-5d4c-4777-9bc0-4513d670b6bc
OP
Oh wow – thank you!!
Anonymous
I just bought these Athleta Venice Wide Leg Pants. I tried them on in the store, and they are so insanely comfortable. I have no idea how to style them, but I liked them so much that I decided I buy the pants and then buy some pieces (including shoes) to work with them.
But I need help! The ladies at the store said people dress them up and dress them down. So I could probably elevate them for a casual day at work, but also dress them down for running around town. That might not actually be possible given the length and shoe situation. They’re long. I’m totally willing to hem them, but I want to figure out what I’ll wear with them before making any decisions. So, all of you ladies with way more style than me, what would you do with these pants? I’m primarily worried about shoes, but feel free to weigh in about tops or entire outfits. Thanks in advance!
https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=9828680020002&vid=1&tid=atpl000063&kwid=1&ap=7&gclid=CjwKCAiA85efBhBbEiwAD7oLQEgoiEpDaFpcDB-RPA571F7SQ8kxxfaHmfk9SAVJN063owp82tE-qBoCpdkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#pdp-page-content
Anon
It’s athleisure, style it like it is.
Anonymous
I would wear those with some New Balance 327s. The lug soles loafers shown are fine, too, but I prefer to acknowledge that I am wearing athletic wear.
JoJo
I have an also love these. They are not as versatile as I’d hoped because of the split, but I wear flat or block-heeled black boots with them, or Rothy points at work.
Anon
I need advice from the Hive – I work at a large tech company, and my team has unlimited vacation and sick days, as long as people do their jobs. One of my direct reports has been out extensively for a mix of health and vacation reasons, to the point where I hear she’s averaging about 3.5 days in the office/week. She’s also asking for me to position her in a role with more responsibilities (which is a role she was hired for, and then stepped away from briefly for health reasons). I don’t work with her directly day-to-day, but the team she works with is concerned about her being in this role given how often “it feels like she’s not there”.
I’ve coached her that if she’s going to step back into this role, she’s going to need to lean in and have a stronger presence on the team. What else should I do? She’s planning a lot of vacations in the spring, and if she keeps up the regular sick days, it seems hard to imagine this working out well. I hesitate to come down too hard on the vacation days, since they don’t seem excessive on their own – it’s the vacation + health-related days off.
anon
Your first sentence is the answer “as long as people do their jobs.” If the employee is not meeting expectations, deadlines, etc. then you need to address the performance issues. Likewise, if there are concerns about her not being there, you can require check ins, meetings, etc. You completely side step the vacation issue with the fact that she needs to get stuff done by certain deadlines, and make clear that the deadlines are not adjustable (e.g., if she is out on vacation).
anon a mouse
You say she is out a lot, but also that on your team it’s okay to be out a lot as long as people do their work. But you don’t say whether she is doing her work – any of your feedback needs to be on the work, not the presence, since you have signaled that the presence doesn’t matter.
If, in fact, presence does matter, then you need to figure out how to communicate that, either by amending the leave policy or the job description to clarify the expectations. Tread carefully if you are thinking of penalizing her for medical-related leave.
anonshmanon
yeah, I think you’d want to dig deeper here and learn more about the concerns in her team. What is the impact of her perceived unavailability? It could be missed deadlines or miscommunication. It could be a morale problem, but you need to understand that more deeply. It can’t just be “this person is taking more time off than I think is the norm, and I am miffed out of principle”, but it could very well be “my team lead is unavailable for solving time sensitive issues and when I figure it out myself, I am punished in the end”.
anon
In addition to this, clarify your expectations of how she should prep for PTO. Does she need to compile a written list of her open tasks with links to the relevant files? Should she have a hand-off meeting with her team members? What issues are high enough priority that her team should call her if they arise? Make it clear that she’s responsible for ensuring the team won’t be blocked by her absence.
Anonymous
Maybe send her an email that says “The Company doesn’t mean ‘unlimited’ when it says ‘unlimited.’ It means 10 days a year for vacation and come to work when you are sick. If you want to advance here, you need to learn to read the room, and that means reading between the lines.” And then link one of those articles that explains what “unlimited leave” really means to management.
Anon
And walk right into a wage and hour claim in CA. Concur with the suggestions to manage the work. Also consult your HR team for advice.
Monday
Pretty sure 11:03 was being sarcastic? That was how I read it for sure.
Anon
Yeah same.
Anon
Huh, I radically missed any sarcasm there.
Anon
This is terrible advice,+1 on walking into a wage and hour claim.
Anon
I mean obviously this is not real advice!
Anonymous
Correct. It is a farcical take pointing out the fallacy behind “unlimited leave.” Apologies to the literal among us.
Anon
I would talk to HR about this before saying another to your report. If she has a health issue, you will likely have to walk very carefully around this one.
Anon
“I hesitate to come down too hard on the vacation days, since they don’t seem excessive on their own – it’s the vacation + health-related days off.”
This seems backwards to me. It’s not fair (or legal?) to penalize her for health issues. It seems more reasonable to penalize her for taking a lot of vacations, which is voluntary. Although not letting employees use their earned vacation leave (at least, not letting them do it without consequences) is a great way to lose them.
Anon
I don’t this OP needs to hesitate here. Granted, my view on this might just be a product of the terrible capitalist system we all toil under, but every job I’ve had (which has been without “unlimited” leave) if you used up all your leave because of illness you were SOL if you wanted to take vacations. And that’s partly a function of having a leave balance, but also because if you’re employed somewhere you have to be there consistently to do your job. Depending on specifics, which I realize might change things, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to postpone some vacation.
Anon
I find it weird that she’s your direct report but you don’t work with her directly, and you hear from others about how often she’s at work?
Anyway, time to manage her, which means working with her directly, holding her accountable for x amour of work by y deadline – making sure x and y are both stated clearly both verbally and in writing and acknowledged by the employee. If she feels ready to move into a bigger role, then she clearly doesn’t understand how you feel about her performance right now. The best time to address it was when it started. The second best time is now.
Anon
How many vacations is she planning? Planning ‘a lot’ of vacations in one quarter does sound pretty excessive to me, unless they’re mostly just long weekends. I work somewhere with very generous vacation for the US vacation (30 days) and even with that much PTO, it pretty much only works out to one real vacation per quarter. Most people I know with unlimited PTO feel like their employers have an unwritten cap, usually lower than 30 days. Of course, if she’s front-loading her PTO and not planning to use much for the rest of the year that’s a different story, but it didn’t sound like that was the case.
Nesprin
If she’s working 3.5 days a week and not keeping up with workload, I’d suggest referring her to FMLA.
If she’s working 3.5 days a week and handling the workload of her peers, I’d suggest focusing on what she needs to do to gets to the next level.
If she’s working 3.5 days a week and excelling, let her work whatever hours she wants.
OP
Thanks for the thoughts, all. I will probably talk to HR to get there thoughts. I have only managed her for a few months. I’m essentially “strategic project management center of excellence” and she’s a PM under me who’s assigned to a project (hence I don’t work with her day to day). She had some serious health stuff over the fall, but she’s planning almost 1 week vacation/ month over spring / early summer.
Also, good feedback about being more direct with expectations, which will require my working more closely with the project team. Thank you all again!
Anon
So she has four vacation days planned but not for months and had a serious health issue (rather than in and out with colds etc). Sounds like it’s a non-issue if she’s getting the work done.
Anon
I think you’re misreading. Not four vacation days total. OP said she has approx. one week of vacation planned *every month* for the next several months. That’s a lot by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t know anyone who takes a week off every month with unlimited PTO and no finite PTO plan in the US would allow an employee to sustain that pace of vacations. Fwiw, I have six weeks of vacation time per year and I use all of it, so I am not anti-vacation and I don’t believe unlimited PTO should mean you never get to take vacations. But that much vacation time is excessive.
Curious
I know there have been mentions of glioblastoma here before. I saw these promising results (not yet in clinical trials, unfortunately) and wanted to share in case it gives hope or comfort. I know it’s fast-moving, and this may be too late for those already diagnosed, but it might be worth tracking trials. https://news.yale.edu/2023/02/08/new-treatment-merges-two-technologies-fight-brain-cancer
Anan
I also realize that this is largely work place dependent, but where is the line between wearing a third piece every day being fine and being kind of eye brow raising? Between something being a signature piece and being perceived as unfashionable?
My uniqlo puffer vest is the perfect layer for me in cooler weather- it’a the right amount of warmth and bulk , so I wear it every day (I’m full time in the office), but I’m wondering if I need to change it up a little? Or do people even notice?
On that note, any other alternatives to the Uniqlo puffer vest? Maybe I just get a second vest in a different style/color/fabric and rotate them?
Anonymous
I thought you were going to say the same blazer or something. I would only think a puffer vest would be acceptable (at all) if you work in an area where all the guys are wearing those vests, or if you work for some outdoorsy company. I would absolutely not think someone in a puffer vest, inside, was fashionable.
Anon
Most of the men who wear vests are in fleece vests, not puffer vests.
Monday
Wear the vest at all times if you want. As long as it’s clean, there’s nothing to see here.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
I’d just leave it at your desk so it’s your desk layer. That’s less weird to me, it’s not an intentional 3rd piece but a desk layer.
But also, a puffer vest is a weird 3rd piece or desk layer for the office? Even at some very casual workplaces I’ve been at, this would be inappropriately casual
Anonymous
Right. This isn’t what people mean by third piece. They mean a blazer or sweater or vest that changes daily. A desk sweater is what you’d keep at your desk to wear when you’re chilly and it’s fine but not part of your outfit as planned for the day.
I love a puffy vest but they’re outerwear that you occasionally keep on indoors. It doesn’t scream “inappropriate” as much as “cold.” That said a sweater vest or even a men’s style vest (that changes daily) as a part of your outfit could be a cool signature. (I love menswear style so ymmv.)
Anon
This is so amusing to me. In my SF office, a puffer vest is absolutely an office look.
Anon
I think this is what the OP needs to clarify. Sure, this is Silicon Valley appropriate. But definitely unusual for my city. Especially…. every day. Especially… since it is clearly outer wear in my city.
Anon
People definitely notice, based on the comments about the guy in my office who always wore one of these, and only one of these.
Anon
People definitely notice, based on the comments about the guy in my office who always wore one of these, and only one of these.
Vicky Austin
Or possibly it was always the same one and you could tell that it was getting gross?
Anon
There was a joke in there that I think you missed!
Anon
If it’s cold enough for a puffer vest then it’s cold enough for socks ;)
Senior Attorney
Yeah people notice. When I was on law school about 100 years ago, our Property professor wore his down vest every day. At the end of the year the students always put on a show lampooning the faculty, and his character was a superhero named Vested Remainderman. Heh.
I’d suggest getting the vest in a few colors.
Vicky Austin
To be fair, that is a truly excellent pun.
Vicky Austin
Gah, used a bad word. To be fair, that is a truly wonderful pun!
Anon
I would never describe a Uniqlo puffer vest as a “signature piece” and I agree you want to mix it up if you’re working in an office. You’ve described most people’s WFH layering style.
Anon
I WFH and wear a similar vest almost daily. I have a navy one and a black one, and choose the one to wear based on my neutrals for the day. I realize WFH is different than working in the office but I can see how it becomes a comfortable habit to wear one of these – they keep you warm and have pockets for your cell phone and whatever else you tend to carry around.
I think it’s fine to wear in the office as long as you’re not business formal. I probably wouldn’t wear it to a meeting in the board room. You could employ the strategy one of my former colleagues did, if you have the space – keep a neutral blazer on a hanger in your office/cubicle, and wear it to whatever meeting comes up. It always seemed very smart to me. Hers was beige.
Anon
Truthfully I would notice. Depending how casual your office is I also wonder if a puffer vest is appropriate (or the image you want to convey). If you’re cold and a nice topper isn’t warm enough then keep a few vests in your drawer so you can switch it up.
Liza
Outerwear is fine to repeat. It’s like having an office cardigan or fleece.
Anonymous
Wut?
A puffer vest is not a “third piece.” Nor is it a “signature piece.” It is a comfort item communicating that you run cold. That is fine. Being comfortable is fine. And you just need the one, because it isn’t part of your outfit or a fashion item. It is actually the piece to be removed when your outfit matters. No need to mix up your office schmatta.
Cat
This is not what people mean about a third piece. A third piece is an intentional part of the outfit and dresses it up. A fleece that lives on your office chair and is used when you’re cold in the office is not a “third piece.”
If you’re wearing the fleece daily, it’s probably time to improve the warmth of your actual work clothes.
Curious
Well, OP, I’m with you. I wear a slim line puffer vest in one of three colors most days. I’m on the casual side of tech. No one bats an eye. I also wear headbands, lol, though no hair ties on my wrist lately. I would consider going for a couple of colors, but otherwise I agree — just make sure it’s clean.
NYCer
I would definitely notice if someone wore a puffer vest every day. And I would still notice even if you had it in multiple colors. Tbh I have never seen anyone wear a puffer vest in my office though, so if your office is more casual and lots of people wear them, you might blend in more.
Anon
Ok, relocation drama seems to be coming to an end and I am starting a new job on Monday. I was invited to meet “the whole office” of 25 people (lol) followed by joint lunch and a virtual global townhall. Fingers crossed, people seem nice, boss seems like a good fit, and the office seems comfy and spacious. I just hope work will be fulfilling and not crazy. Wish me luck!
pugsnbourbon
Sending good vibes your way!
Anon
Thanks!
Big Sky
We’re heading out next month to Big Sky, Montana for a ski vacation. There are 8 total in our group. Any recommendations for restaurants or activities (skiing related or not)? I’ve never been to Big Ski before and I’d like to take a guided tour of the mountain on the first day – I’m not sure if this resort offers that but I’ve done it at other places.
Thanks in advance for the recs!
Anonymous
DH is from MT and I don’t ski so no mountain recs BUT I highly recommend Bozeman hot springs (the outdoors pools!) and in Bozeman: wild crumb bakery (there may be a line but it’s totally worth it), fink’s deli for sandwiches, western cafe for a truly old school diner, and the gallaghator linear trail for a gentle walking trail after eating all the pastries!
Anonymous
Our in-laws live in Big Sky and we have a condo there that we rent out when not using! It’s an amazing place and you will have a great time! Some recs: Riverhouse is a BBQ place on 191 in the canyon, right next to the Gallatin river (about 15 minute drive from town, 30 ish minutes from the mountain). It’s a fun vibe. In town, the sushi place is surprisingly good, but it is pricey (all of the restaurants in town are pricey though). Dave’s Sushi in Bozeman is also very good if you really want sushi. Beehive Basin brewery in town is a fun, low key place to hang out. I believe also Everett’s has reopened — it’s an apres ski lounge/restaurant on the mountain. You can take the main lift up even if you’re not skiing. Horn & Cantle is the restaurant at Lone Mountain Ranch – you can dine there even if not staying at the ranch. Suggest going for drinks, the food is ok but not amazing for the price. A little out of the main town center but on the way up the mountain is Caliber Coffee — good spot for coffee and light breakfast. It’s right by Gallatin Alpine sports also, which does rentals. If you’re going to be cooking mostly vs. eating out, suggest stocking up at Albertsons or Costco in Bozeman before driving out to Big Sky (both are close to the airport). There is one small grocery store in town (Roxy’s) that is well stocked and carries mostly organic brands … but if you’re buying food for 8 people for a week … you’ll probably want the options of a larger grocery store! Non-food wise, Ousel Falls is a nice hike (more of a nature walk) – very cool to see the falls frozen over in the winter. You can cross country ski on the golf course and all around town, there are very well marked trails. In the summer the resort does lead guided tours to Lone Peak, but I am not sure if they do them in winter. Lone Mountain Ranch also coordinates a number of different tours and also sleigh rides, believe you can book even if not staying there. Have fun!
Anon
The restaurant at Lone Mountain Ranch is really good, albeit pricey.
Anon
Surprisingly, I can’t seem to find a straightforward answer to this. I had to take a small early withdrawal from my 401k recently (in January 2023). The taxes were paid at the time of the withdrawal, but I know I still owe the 10% early withdrawal fee. What year do I pay that fee? Will I have to pay it this year (say, spring 2023) when I file my taxes, or would it be considered a part of next year’s taxes (spring 2024)?
Anon
The taxes you file this year are for 2022. It doesn’t sound like any of this happened in 2022.
Anon
You pay the penalty when you file your 2023 tax return, so early 2024. Also, you probably know this, but you did not pay the income taxes at withdrawal; the payor withheld 20% to be applied to your income taxes. Like regular withholding from your wages, that may be more or less than you actually end up owing on your 2023 tax return.
Source: I am a pension lawyer.
Anon
I will sort of disagree with the prior answers. You don’t file a tax return for 2023 now, you file that in 2024, so I agree that is when you report this withdrawal.
However, since you know you’re going to owe taxes, I would make a quarterly tax payment by April to avoid interest or penalties on the 2023 taxes you will ultimately owe.
I’d just pay the 10% for now since they did the regular income tax withholding.
Anon
+1
Anon
My best friend is reaching the point of deciding whether or not to stay married. Does anyone have any thoughts on how best to support her? They had their kid at the beginning of covid, and it there have been obvious outside stressors that have made their lives very hard and stressed the marriage to a breaking point. They are in counseling, but she had a breakdown to me recently and brought up looking into lawyers for the first time. I’m very much cognizant of not trying to get in the middle of their marriage (and am single/never married myself), but I want to try to make sure I’m not saying anything to make things worse when she goes to me for support. It’s not a situation where I think there’s a clear cut answer – he’s not a bad guy, but he does take his stress out on her and they can’t seem to get out of this dynamic. We don’t have any friends who have gotten divorced and I’m really lost as to how I can support her through this time, other than just saying I’ll be there for her regardless of what happens.
Anonymous
Stick with the counselling for now but also start to run the numbers on what a separation/divorce would look like so she understands the options and feels like she has a choice.
anon
Be there as a listener and to remind her of all her good qualities. Even considering divorce does a number of people’s self esteem, from what I’ve been able to tell. Don’t badmouth the husband. Invite her to do fun things that give her some temporary relief. Of course support her when she wants to talk, but she also may appreciate a short-term diversion. Good luck.
Anonymous
I think this is good advice and you sound like a great friend.
Anon
The thread about vacations combined with sick leave reminded me of this question a friend asked me a while back and I’m curious what the hive thinks. My friend had a pretty bad bout of Covid that took her out for a week and she used 6 sick days (Thursday and Friday of one week, Mon-Thurs of the following week). She was testing negative and healthy enough to return to work on Friday. She had a long-scheduled vacation (one week) beginning the following Monday. Plenty of PTO to cover both. No pressing deadlines that are going to be missed, but she got the vibe that management didn’t think it was appropriate to be out for a week of vacation so soon after returning from a relatively lengthy sickness. Do you cancel the vacation?
Anon
I wouldn’t. Especially if it wasn’t going to impact deadlines and all. A mental break from vacation is totally different from being sick, and it’s not like you can control when you get sick.
Vicky Austin
6 sick days doesn’t strike me as a lengthy illness, I guess?
Anon
Assuming you can work from home, six business days seems like a long time to be completely out. It’s uncommon to be bedridden for eight days so that would stick out to me. Unless there’s a major illness or injury I kind of think after a few days you could log on briefly to fire off some emails. OP should still take her vacation but generally speaking six days seems noteworthy.
Anon
+1 not unusual to stay home for that long. No one wants a sick person in the office, especially with Covid. But IMO it’s a long time to be out as in not working at all.
Anon
I agree, six days is not that long.
Take the long scheduled vacation. There’s no pressing work and she will be a better employee after a vacation. Everyone deserves that.
anon
It was unfortunate timing, but no, I don’t think she needed to cancel the vacation.
Anon
+1 If this happened in my office I think people would just chalk it up to bad luck, and it wouldn’t reflect poorly on you.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t cancel but I would make noises to the right epipen about how I would cancel if needed except it was non-refundable and at least I had time in between to ensure that everything was ready for me to be away because I had prepped in advance of being sick because I’m so on the ball etc. Even if that was all BS.
Anon
This is the way.
Anon
No. Many vacations come with other issues that can’t be easily changed – a spouse has also put in for time off, non refundable plane tickets, hotel rooms, etc. Asking an employee to cancel a vacation is, IMHO, a big ask and not appropriate here.
Anon
Would it be completely self-indulgent for me to apologize to people for small stuff that happened a long time ago? For example, a bad joke I told 10 years ago that I suspect hurt my former coworker’s feelings (we were tight then but not anymore, although friendly). I ruminate on a lot of similar circumstances, and it would make me feel better, but only if it made them feel better.
Anon
I think in general we don’t want to burden people with things that are in the past just so we can feel better. For all you know, your former coworker has forgotten the joke, and by you brining it up, you’d be burdening her to take the burden off of you.
Say for instance my husband had done me wrong 10 years ago and has lived with a guilty conscience since then. Finally he can’t live with it anymore and tells me. He makes me feel terrible but he feels better being unburdened. How is that the right thing to do?
I’d only make amends to people you know for a fact are still hurt by things you’ve done. If you’re not sure, don’t bring it up.
Senior Attorney
My two cents is that would be super odd unless you were absolutely certain she had been deeply wounded and would remember. And maybe even then.
I prescribe therapy to make you feel better without bringing other people onto it.
Liza
I’m not a huge fan of apologies for things that happened that far in the past. IMO it does nothing to ameliorate the hurt that it caused or to rehabilitate the person you were back then. Of course you’ve changed a lot in ten years; who hasn’t? Apologizing now is like asking that person to tell you it was ok what you did because you’re sorry about it a decade later – and it wasn’t.
A better approach would be to enter therapy to work on letting go of the past and not ruminating about things you can’t change or fix. Take the lesson of the guilty feeling and don’t repeat the bad behavior, and move on.
Anonymous
This is not appropriate at all. Talk to your therapist about other options that do not involve dumping your anxiety on others.
Cat
no, not fair to the others at this point. Like, let’s say you were the girl that was mean to me in middle school. At this point if you came around apologizing, I’d just be kind of like… what? am I supposed to say ‘oh it’s ok’ and make you feel better now?
Anne-on
To this point – I would ONLY do this if you know it would be taken well AND if you communicate a ‘full’ apology. We are teaching my son this formula – name the thing you did wrong, apologize without reservation, tell them what you’re doing to change going forward so you don’t do it again, and offer to to do something to make it better or comfort them (if appropriate).
But truly if you’re calling people up out of the blue to apologize my first reaction would be ‘are they in a 12-step program’?
Anon
Thanks for teaching your son this. “I’m sorry but you..” is not an apology!
Vicky Austin
I don’t think you need to do this. The only exception would be if that instance came up organically in conversation.
Anon
I’m going to give you an example of being on the receiving end of this.
Years ago I worked with a guy who was a joker and I always got a kick out of him. Once in a while he annoyed me. Once in a while he annoyed everyone! But overall I really liked him and he made me laugh.
Fast forward 10 years. I’ve lost touch with this guy, we both work for other companies than we did when we worked together. My company engaged his company for a project and a team including me were traveling to their offices for a kick-off. I looked at the meeting planner and saw his name. I was excited! I was telling my colleagues, omg I know John from ages ago – we were work buddies! And I was so thrilled that I was going to see him again.
So when we traveled there, there was a little get together the night before with drinks and appetizers. I saw John and I was like JOHN! But he wasn’t like that. He was very standoffish. And I think my colleagues were like “I thought you were friends with this guy?”
Finally when we were one on one and I was trying to catch up he went into this long, weird apology about how he was sorry he had made jokes at my expense (which I didn’t remember) and he regrets it now. I didn’t even know how to react. I was hurt, I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and it cast a pall on the whole project for me.
So what did John do? He opened up old wounds that had healed so that he could unburden himself, and in the course of doing so, re-injured me.
Why would you do such a thing now?
Anon
When I catch myself dredging up embarrassing memories like this, I tell myself to treat my younger self kindly and talk to myself as I would a good friend.
Anon
I think usually this is self-indulgent, yes.
If people are still in your life, it might be more appropriate to comment when relevant in a more general way that you’re working on something (like a resolution to be less sarcastic). I’ve had people say something more like that to me, and it made me think, well, at least they know.
It sounds like the joke you told may have changed the coworker’s impression of you. I feel that is often pretty hard to come back from even if apologizing immediately.
Anon
Everyone is going to think you’re in addiction recovery.
Anon
I’m not in a formal program, but am now two plus years sober and man do I still feel awful about a lot of my past behavior. But you know what? My friends continued to support me and don’t want to hear me dredge up all the $hit I did in the past to try to make myself feel better about it. I acted like a $hithead at times and did some crappy things, I finally got my act together, managed to hang on to some really great friends through it all, and the last thing any of us want to do is relive the terrible times which are now solidly in the past. The best thing I can do in the present is stay sober and be a good person and friend NOW. For those who are no longer in my life, I have to accept that part of that may be because of my past behavior and I have to come to peace with that.
So my answer is yes, it’s completely self-indulgent and you should not do it.
Anonymous
A bunch of us were sitting around reminiscing a few weeks ago when my friend brought up that he and his then wife made a scene at a dinner party I threw ten years ago. I literally couldn’t remember it. He looked at me and said “really I have never been so embarrassed .” Can you imagine?! I wish I could have told him it was long forgotten ten years ago so he wasn’t walking around with that.
Anonymous
This is where you confess to your deity of choice, not the person you wronged.
Anon
I asked yesterday about recovery time for a laparoscopic hysterectomy and got some very helpful replies. Next question: now that I am processing the information better, I realize the surgery I am having is different than straight laparoscopic. It is robotic, using a daVinci machine. Anyone here have that particular experience? Apparently recovery time is even shorter than a regular laparoscopic surgery.
Overall, I am pumped to finally have this scheduled. My gyn was worried I would rebel at his suggestion that I not keep all my parts but I was like dude, they are broken, it is long past time to return them, can you do it right here & now?
Anon
I would not focus so much on the device they are using, which honestly will still be in a similar recovery ballpark to traditional lap. I would focus on how good your surgeon is. How many laparoscopic hysterectomies have they done with THIS daVinci machine. And I would be going to the best person I could find, who’s done the most of these surgeries. I stay away from someone who just got a new “toy” and wants to try it out.
Oh so anon
I replied late in the day yesterday about my recovery time, so you may not have seen it. I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy with a DaVinci robot. My surgery was on a Thursday morning, I left the hospital on Saturday evening, and I went back to work on Wednesday morning. Recovery was truly no big deal and I would recommend the procedure to anyone.
ArenKay
I also did laparoscopic with Davinci and my recovery was similarly lightning-quick. I ran a 5k 10 days later.