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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 156 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Marieclairehigh3 Pump

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Geox Women's Marieclairehigh3 PumpI was going to recommend this other lovely Geox pump when this deeply discounted, unusual cornflower blue peep toe caught my eye. $45 for a $150 shoe? Sign me up. There are very limited sizes in the blue (it's full price but more available in the coral and camel colors), but looks like a great shoe. (Geox is on our list of comfortable heels; the brand is known for a more “breathable sole” — perfect if you wear them barefoot.) Geox Women's Marieclairehigh3 Pump P.S. I know I've had reports of some, er, distasteful ads on the site (e.g., “meet Thai girls,” video games geared at teenage boys, etc) — I THINK I've fixed the problem (as of this morning), so if you see anything else that's problematic please send it my way. Thank you all for your patience! P.P.S. Peep toes are not appropriate for every office — know yours! (L-4)

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Comments

  1. House buying

    We’re looking to buy a house in the next 6-12 months. I know the right answer to my questions is going to be “go to a bank and ask them” but thought I’d get some input from you ladies since I’m idling at work and to allay some of my anxiety. :)

    To get pre-approved for a mortgage, a lot of advice I’m reading says that they want 2 years of income. I just got out of grad school in June, but have a very lucrative job now. Will only having 6 months of income be a problem?

    My other worry is that we don’t have enough for a traditional 20% downpayment. We will probably be doing something closer to 10%. Again, it’s due to the lack of savings but also high future earnings potential. Am I being too conservative here? Do people even still do 20% downpayments?

    • Anon

      I’ll take a contrarian view. 2009 was not that long ago. A lot of people lost good jobs. A lot of people might have needed to move for their next job, but had to deal with the fact that they’d need to sell their house in order to afford a place somewhere else. A lot of people who needed two incomes to afford their house found themselves with one income only (while I don’t agree with everything in it, I think The Two Income Trap is worth thinking about).

      Why do you want to rush to buy a house? It could be a huge mistake, especially when you’re just starting out. Can you wait a year?

      A bank might qualify you for something, but it’s in their (short-term) interest to do so.

      FWIW, I wouldn’t buy a house with only a 6-month work history. Have you even had a review yet?

      • First Year Anon

        Same thoughts here. Yes, people still do 20% downpayments (I am aiming for 25%, but I totally realize that is not possible for most). I would wait until I had a review, are sure of your company’s future, and have saved more before buying. I am more conservative than most, but i would rather wait, and have a mortgage that is not a stretch to pay, then to hope I still have this high income job next year because otherwise I cannot afford my payments.

      • Anon2

        As long as you are not maxing out the cost of your home based on your very lucrative salary you probably don’t have to worry quite as much. Look at what the bank says they will give you and then think VERY realistically about what you can pay month to month. DH and I bought a house very young with only 5% down and will have paid almost 10,000 in mortgage insurance when we sell this summer which I regret. So if you can save up for 20% down I think it would be a better deal.

        • Brant

          On balance , DH and I bought with 5% down and will have paid 10k in mortgage insurance when we sell, but we bought in ’08 at the bottom of the market and our house is worth almost 50k more now than when we bought in. Even after realtor fees etc we are ahead- and that doesn’t count all our tax benefits or the fact that we really wanted to own our own place.

    • Clementine

      Yes, go to the bank/several banks/a mortgage broker/a credit union and ask.

      Although I am not a mortgage lender, my husband and I just closed on a house in November and because he has a non-traditional pay schedule I learned quite a bit about this. I also previously worked at a big bank/credit card company as a credit analyst for personal cards while putting my husband through school.

      6 months isn’t a long, stable employment, but 6 months after getting out of grad school is a whole lot different than 6 months after being out of work for 2 years. Are you going to be buying a house with a partner? What is their income situation? Think big picture- they want to sell you a mortgage, but it is also in their interest to make sure you can keep paying it.

      No, you don’t need to put 20% down, but if you do expect to pay private mortgage insurance which can add a few hundred dollars a month to your down payment. The exception to this is if you can get a VA loan (which we have).

      Don’t forget to factor in closing costs which many people forget about. You may be able to negotiate on those, but the days of ‘oh the seller always pays those’ are gone in my area at least.

      Also, FWIW, don’t underestimate how much start up costs can be in a new home! I am a planner and a budgeter and expected to need a new washer and dryer, even new curtains but was totally blindsided by the amount of little things I would need to purchase. We moved to a 4 BR/2.5 BA house from a 1 BR/1 BA apartment and I suddenly found myself needing lots of little things like hand soap for the bathrooms, small trash cans for rooms, bath mats, salt for the driveway, plus the 47,000 trips to the hardware store to fix some outlet/pipe/etc. It’s added up to much more than I would have ever expected.

    • Sparrow

      If you are a first-time home buyer there may be special options for you and you can put down 10%. We recently sold our first house and are building our second. The most important thing for us was making sure our monthly payment was feasible. You will need to talk to a bank/lender to get an accurate estimate for the monthly payment.

      Also, keep in mind that propery taxes and homeowners insurance will be factored into the escrow/mortgate. Like others mentioned, you may need to pay for closing costs up front.

      Once you start the process, be prepared to provide a ton of paperwork – salary, 401K, bank statements, W2s, etc.

    • Anon

      1. I was only asked for one year of bank statements. As long as you can show a steady source of income after graduation I think you’re probably fine, especially if your partner was employed and had a steady income then.
      2. I put more than 20% down. It’s smart to do if you can to avoid PMI. If you’re making a lot of money, can you wait a few months and save the extra 10% before buying? Obviously it may not be practical if you’re looking in a very high cost of living area and are planning to spend a lot, but if you can save it in less than a year, why not?

    • KLG

      I closed on a house at the end of July. I had 4 years of post-grad stable employment followed by 4 months of unemployment, 2 months of contract work, 10 months of full time work, and had been at my current job for about 6 months when I applied for a loan. We did have 20% to put down (and we live in a low housing cost area so this is more doable in our neck of the woods), but as for my terrible recent job history, I just had to write a lot of letters detailing the dates of everything. We got a great rate because despite my terrible job history, I did have a good credit score.

      Maybe it’s our area but I was surprised at how many lenders pushed me towards an FHA loan (which requires only 3.5% down). It didn’t make sense for us (since we had the 20%) but it might for others.

    • House Buying

      Really appreciate all the comments! (The wait to buy ones are super helpful for perspective) To give a bit more context, I was working before 2 years of grad school. I am about to get a review and all signs point to it being glowing (yay!) My husband and I rent in a high cost of living area and it just seems like such a huge waste of money. He makes lass than I do but his job is a bit more stable. We would be buying a recent build condo type property so not a huge amount of start up costs. I do think that the options I’m looking at are go with the low down payment or just set our sights on a cheaper place and do 20% .

      • preg 3L

        Keep in mind that buying from a builder (new construction) typically has taxes and closing costs that buying a resale does not have. From what I’ve seen in NYC, it looks like buying new construction can cost up to an additional 5% (of the purchase price) in closing costs. A lower downpayment will make your monthly mortgage payments higher, due to PMI and (possibly) a higher interest rate.

      • Anon

        It sounds to me like you have the right attitude re: buying vs. renting. A lot of people want to do the knee-jerk thing and say that after the bubble burst it no longer makes sense to buy a house. That’s just not necessarily true. It just comes down to the housing market where you live and whether you plan on staying put long enough to recoup transaction costs.

    • Jo March

      Agree with Anon2 and others about how much to actually take. The bank was willing to offer us twice as much as we actually borrowed. While we technically could have made those payments, it would have left us very much “house poor” (though, I’ve always thought the expression should be “house-rich,” because we would have had a nice expensive house and no.other.money). Make sure you think about the possibility of repairs, unexpected expenses, etcetc. Let alone the possibility that someone could lose a job…I’m going on mat leave in 7 weeks, and while I get Employment Insurance benefits (wootwoot Canada!) that’s still about 60% less than I’m currently making now. Thank goodness we didn’t take as much as the bank was willing to give!

      • Wildkitten

        I also don’t think “house poor” makes any sense and agree it should be “house rich.”

  2. Re-applying for a position

    I have a hunch (knock on wood) that I might get the opportunity to re-apply to a position I really really wanted. I had a phone interview over the summer and was invited to a final in-person interview, but it got cancelled a few weeks later before the government shutdown. If I were to see the position posted again, should I contact HR directly (now that I have the HR person’s contact info) or apply through the standard application process? Should I do a whole new cover letter explaining why I still want it? If anyone has done this before or has any tips, they would be much appreciated!

    • KLG

      Both. I would apply through the standard process and then email HR directly letting them know you’ve applied because you’re still really interested in the position (and then attach the relevant docs to your email). You probably don’t need a new cover letter unless anything has changed since then.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          I’d call and ask, to clarify whether an additional application is necessary – it sounds like this is the same exact position OP was previously in the running for (rather than just something similar), so reapplication might not even be necessary.

  3. Niktaw

    I own these shoes and second the recommendation wholeheartedly. They are comfortable and pretty. The heel color rubs off rather quickly where it hits the car floormat.
    Sizing note: I have wide-ish feet and usually go up 1/2 size for better brand shoes. With this pair, I had to go up a whole size (but regular width). Thankfully, Amazon offers free returns on shoes in case the sixing does not work for you.

  4. anon anon anon

    Super anon for this. Has anybody had issues having s*x after childbirth? I had some scar tissue apparently, which the doctor then removed, but it still isn’t working. I have been using estrogen cream for a few weeks, which they were hopeful would help, but it hasn’t. The next step is pelvic rehab (ugh). It’s also possible that it will get better when I stop br**stfeeding, but I was hoping to do that for a year. I can’t decide whether to stop at six months or whatever with only the *hope* that it will cause my situation to get better. I’m feeling very pessimistic about it getting better. Any words of wisdom or experience? Or advice on whether to stop nursing?

    • Diana Barry

      I had dryness which persisted for about 6 months, maybe more. I found that tons of l*be (like TONS, way more than you ever thought!) helped, but it wasn’t comfortable for me until at least 6 months post.

      • anon anon anon

        And it’s about to get super personal: Did it feel like it could not go in all the way? I feel like there’s something blocking it.

        • Diana Barry

          Not really blocking, but it definitely felt stuck and hurt.

          BTW, I didn’t stop nursing, just kept up with the l*be until it felt more normal.

      • Super anon, too

        I had the same issue and had the same solution: tons and tons of l*be. I even had c-sections, but I definitely noticed a difference and what you’re discussing.

        It’s a tough call on nursing. I did for six months (and then weaned simply because I was traveling for work so often and it was too much) and that’s when my dryness cleared. I can’t say that they’re related, though.

      • saltylady

        Same. It was like the skin was completely different than it was before– like thinner. About six months was the turning point for me, as well, although it also could have been about 7-9 months, which is when I stopped breastfeeding.

    • Anon

      Did you get the depo shot? I got that after #2 and it was h3ll. Like 60-grit sandpaper h3ll. That went away when the shot wore off and I will never get another.

    • anonforthis

      Also, some kinds of lube work better than others. Silicone-based provides much more/longer-lasting lubrication than water-based. We use pjur, but there are lots of options. I’ll say that I had some scar tissue that needed time to stretch out, it only stopped being painful around 4 months. Before that we mostly did non-PIV stuff, but we tried PIV for a few minutes each time, and it slowly got easier. Kind of DIY physical therapy. Obviously not a good idea to do anything that really hurts, so be careful!

    • anony

      Yes and no. I tore really badly, such that I was seeing my OB every 2 weeks for 12 weeks following delivery. I bf-d for 13 months, but in all honesty, the thing that fixed our upstairs relationship was marriage counseling. Not at all saying that’s the issue for you, but once I could better get my head in the game, things came around way better. It was physically painful at first, for probably the first few months, if I remember right (I think I waited until about 6 months postpartum before even TRYING to get on with it)

      That being said, I was on, and am still on BCP (I took the mini-pill while BFing, and am on a regular pill now). I don’t have a well-lubricated system naturally (except in the most inopportune times, it seems), so the ONLY way for us to EVER commence is to use lube. Experiment with different kinds. KY never does well, IMHO, but Astroglide is pretty fantastic.

      That also being said, now, my youngest is 3.5, and the upstairs is better than it has EVER been. Like even when I was a co-ed. Phew!

      • anon anon anon

        Thanks to everyone! I don’t have anyone to ask that question of in real life and don’t even want to G**gle it for fear of getting p*rn0 results. I appreciate so much that I can ask such a personal question here and get good responses. I am going to give it a go using more l*be and see if that works.

    • Anonymous

      With baby #1, it improved around the same time that I weaned (18 mo) although due to some significant issues getting my tearing to heal that involved three medical procedures, I really wasn’t healed until 12 mo post-partum. So maybe six months is the magic number for healing?

      With baby #2, I had only a small tear and healed easily, so I easily returned to s*x at 6 wks pp and didn’t need l*be (more than usual) after a couple of months. I’m still nursing at 21 mo. Hormones may play less of a part the second time around, or it could just be a matter of healing.

      Agree on a ridiculous amount of l*be and shopping around with l*be. Nice s*x shops have a good selection and often even have trial sizes. My husband gladly (GLADLY) volunteered to pick out a variety. I currently really like “YES” brand which is water-based (so you’ll probably need to reapply, but it doesn’t have that goopy silicone feel). If you aren’t using c*ndoms, then I recommend vit E oil – but beware that it degrades latex.

    • 3L

      No kids here, but I saw all the l*be suggestions and had to recommend coconut oil. I don’t think it works with latex, but it is amazing. I hated l*be because of the stickiness and mess but this stuff is legit and just rubs into and moisturizes your skin. and you can buy it at Trader Joe’s!

    • K.

      I am currently in my first pregnancy, but I’ve had pelvic floor issues for years prior to this and painful sex is all too familiar for me. I would say that going to see a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues can be extremely helpful. Also, I’ve plugged this before on here, but the website Katy Says has some really helpful exercises to help with the pelvic floor. Basically, your pelvic floor muscles can become shortened and tightened due to improper alignment, which can be made worse due to where women tend to hold their pregnancy weight. These tightened muscles can really effect sex. Immediate changes like walking more, sitting less, and not wearing heals (okay, honestly, that was hardest for me to give up!), can help lengthen those muscles too, in addition to doing stretching exercises. In my case, stretching my hamstrings has helped reduce sex pain, so don’t knock stretches that seem like they are disconnected from the immediate pelvic area.

      The other advice here about hormones and lube and everything is really helpful too. Good luck! And be patient–I’ve heard that it can take 6+ months for painful sex to get better after birth, which stinks, but is still helpful to know.

    • Anon

      Oh, man, I was totally there with No. 1: had some decent tearing requiring stitches and what I believe was trauma to the whole nether region due to having such a large-headed kid. In addition to stitches, I had bleeding and lots of pain for about a month for BMs (sorry to be tmi). That part got a little better but s*x was painful for about 9-12 months. I can’t remember the timing exactly but I also waited a long time before we even tried PIV, birth was so rough (physically and psychologically). I’d told my OB at follow-up appointments about all my issues but she checked and didn’t find anything, so (exhausted wreck that I was) I didn’t press or insist (which I should have). I want to say that things gradually got better so that by one year LGPs were back to being okay. I sort of concluded that there was scar tissues that repeatedly trying gradually broke down. I also BFed for about 13 months, and dryness was probably because of that. In any event, things were way better with No. 2 (as in, no similar trauma). Good luck. As with all things baby-related, my mantra is: this, too, shall pass.

  5. Nan

    Frumpy meets flashy—not a winning combination. I’ll keep my granny shoes in subdued neutral colors so they don’t call attention to themselves!

  6. Anon for now

    Ladies, I could use some good vibes. I’m unemployed, have two job interviews tomorrow, and need to figure out which of my terrible outfit options are acceptable for tomorrow’s arctic DC air. I should get a slight style or formality pass with negative windchill, right?

    • Anon

      I used to walk miles when I was in college in this type of weather and it’s not that bad, don’t psych yourself out! you can always wear fleece tights under your suit and take off your hat/mittens/scarf once you arrive and still look fine.

    • WJM-TV

      Good luck! You’ll do great. I’m sure that it will be no big deal re: boots, gloves, hat etc.

    • Monte

      I think you get a bit of a break, but it shouldn’t be that difficult. (I was running around today in our -15 degree weather, and figured out a clothing combination that worked.) My concession would probably be a pants suit with (knee high) boots underneath, both of which are things I would never consider for an interview in better weather. I would consider a knit top under the suit (if you are wearing a suit) rather than a button down or silk shell. And I would carry a large-ish tote, which makes it easier to stash a giant scarf, balaclava, ear muffs or hat, and giant gloves.

    • Anon

      To travel to the interview I would wear a skirt suit with a warm knit top, hose underneath fleece tights, and flats. Bring a large (but interview appropriate) tote bag. In your bag carry a pair of heels. When you get there, go to the restroom, take off your fleece tights, and switch your flats for heels (if your bag is large enough, you could even wear boots and stow them). Between the fleece tights and the knit top, you should be warm enough, especially if you have a warm enough coat/hat/scarf/gloves/etc. You could also consider layering a warm sweater over the knit top and ditching it when you take off your tights.

      • Ellen

        Hugs! You will do fine. Best to stay WARM even if not as fashioneabel. Dad says if you don’t that you’re snotteing all over is even LESS sexy and I agree. The Manageing partner is doeing that today but he has Margie to take care of him so he doesn’t care who he snots on. FOOEY!

        We have a partners meeting off sight tomorrow so I need to look nice. Myrna loaned me her fur coat b/c I was cold. Willem offered to shop with me but I am to busy now. Mom says DAD is giveing her grief over her tuchus. She told him to remember all the nites it kept his hand’s warm. DOUBEL FOOEY! On dad that is b/c all of a sudden Dad is cranky at us.

        Were other’s in the HIVE affected by a cranky dad?

      • Wildkitten

        +1 I’d do anon’s plan of bringing a tote back and layering the heck out of your outfit. Also, consider taking a cab if practicable.

    • Anon for now

      Wow, I don’t know why I didn’t think of wearing warm clothes (fleece-lined tights) and taking them off when I arrived. I think I’ll do that and wear a sweater or knit top under my suit jacket. Thank you all so much!

      • Anon

        Dude, it’s only 20F in DC tomorrow. You’re going to sweat to death inside in the heating.

        • A Nonny Moose

          The windchill is supposed to be below zero from what I understand. It’s nasty out there! GL, OP.

  7. amelia earhart

    Just found out my office is being closed tomorrow for the weather. So excited!

  8. anon

    I am going to get an offer to go to biglaw tomorrow. I am currently at a small firm doing the same substantive law but on the other side. I am making a pros and cons list. Any BigLaw ladies have cons I am not thinking of besides it will be a lot of work? I would run my department. My boss for substantive work would be 150 miles away. I already work 70 hours a week now for about 2/3 the $. I’ve been practicing 3 years.

    My bosses now say I will have an opportunity to be made partner in a few years and make significantly more but “thems the breaks” as far as my low salary now and the past few years. The person who made partner before me told me looking back he was fairly compensated. They make probably the same as partners do at big firms and they work only 50 hours or even less.

    I don’t want to sign up for more work long term but I am so sick of starving and barely scraping the interest of my student loans. I like the people I work with for the most part. I feel a little guilty leaving because they gave me my first job but they also paid me peanuts.

    • JJ

      How much substantive work and experience have you gotten at your current firm? Will you likely get the same amount, or will you be in the mid-level h#ll of doc review/due diligence and not get any practical experience? If you want to make partner, how likely is it that you’ll make partner at the BigLaw firm? What about maternity leave/benefits (if that’s a choice that applies to you). Would you be mommy-tracked at one firm over the other? BigLaw preaches a lot of autonomy, but if you’re staffed on huge cases, more than likely at 3 years out of law school, you’ll be a cog in the machine of a huge project.

      I wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving. Associates are fungible expenses to firms and they wouldn’t hesitate to terminate you if necessary, so don’t feel guilty about looking out for yourself.

      • anon

        I have a lot of practical experience in the area where I practice. I was thrown to the wolves the afternoon following the swearing in ceremony and have been very good at it. Very little supervision. Tried and won a case alone within my first year. There isn’t very much doc review in this area. I would be expected to do the same type of work, from the other side and would handle my own caseload. 1900 billable hours goal, bonus for meeting the goal. Extra for bringing in new clients. Their main office has clients that overlap into my region. The work is there and I would learn a few new areas of law that overlap with the area I do.

        In the interview, my first question was is it possible for me to make partner and if so, how long does that take? The answer was yes, and it depends on the person but I was very straightforward in that I do.not.want. to be an associate in a position that does not lead to partnership. I told them I work way too hard to not be a part of something.

        The woman who had the position before left for a different firm to take half this type of work and half another type of work for someone who is retiring at that firm. No kids, no husband, no boyfriend even. Just actually got out of a relationship and need some time to process it before moving on.

    • KLG

      No real advice on the pros and cons, but definitely don’t feel guilty about leaving. Associates leave. It’s just what happens and it happens in every firm no matter how big or small. It’s a cost of doing business. As long as you’re not giving 2 days notice and flipping the bird on your way out, it’s fine to leave.

      Okay actually one piece of advice… When I worked for a larger firm, it wasn’t necessarily the killer hours, but the complete lack of control over my hours that got to me and the workaholic insomniac partners who expected immediate responses evenings and weekends. If that’s something you’re already dealing with, then you’re good to go. If not, it’s something to consider.

    • WestcoastLawyer

      Do you want to make partner at either firm? How confident are you in your prospects and the timeline your current firm has given you? Because in BigLaw making partner has as much to do with politics and whether they need more partners in your practice area/geographic location as it does your work product. If partnership is your goal I’d try to get some data on the partner classes the biglaw firm you are looking at has elected in the past few years so you can try to get an idea of your chances. Also, I didn’t know any biglaw partners who worked 50 hours or less, so if I were in your shoes and felt confident I could make partner at your current firm in the next few years (making biglaw partner income) I’d probably stay put.

      • OP

        Yes. 70% confident in the timeline at current firm but not sure an opportunity like this would come along again. At the new firm I would be the only person in the practice group at this office location. It looks like there are several at my office location that made partner before 10 years of practice.

        Good point about staying put. I can’t tell if that’s my gut feeling to wait it out or I am chicken to move on. It’s also exciting to be scouted out. I suppose I could put the extra time toward something else.

  9. Famouscait

    Hi ladies – happy new year! I’m spending the upcoming weekend in the Naples, FL area visiting a friend who could really use some pick-me-up fun time. Does anyone have any recommendations for the area? I’m thinking like a trapeze lesson, or something else similarly off the wall (no pun intended!) Any good ideas?

    • LizNYC

      Not a trapeze lesson, but Marco Island is really nice.

      You might want to check out Groupon or LivingSocial for something fun to do.

      • Wildkitten

        These are good places to look. Trapeze definitely takes your mind off everything else!

    • Bonnie

      Go to the Waterside Shops and pretend to be ladies who lunch. Have a bite at Nordstroms then go look at all the pretty things.

  10. Looking for financial inspiration

    Anyone have a financial goal they’ve set for 2014?

    • The sky's the limit

      I make X a year. I have a lot of expenses (mortgage, day care, cars), but I want to see how much I can add to my savings in 2014 (so starting at 0 and seeing how high the # will be on NYE). I’m not going into miser mode, but I did bring my lunch today (so +$10 on the year!). I think I just p*ss away money and want to be more deliberate about things. I went to a thrift store that had a fur stole for sale and while I’d have just snapped it up a few years ago (esp. before kids where I seemed to use a lot more party attire), I just put it back on the rack.

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is a good one! What kind of quality items are on your plan to buy list?

        • Anon

          I had a rule last year that I could only buy things (on sale) that I’d really liked at their original price. Like I had to fall in love with something at retail and then be patient enough to sale-stalk or use a gift card for (ideally, both). I find that I fall for cheap stuff too easily so this was to promote quality over quantity.

          • Anon

            If I would enjoy life more if I spent the money, it’s ok to spend on it.
            Also, buy the best more often and never buy junk unless there’s a good reason.
            Also also, spend more on services and experiences and less on shopping as therapy or excitement.
            So far I’ve bought quality hot rollers and a quality travel bag.
            I also have a list of junk I tend to buy over and over again and remind myself about diminishing satisfaction returns when buying them.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I have a few. My goal is to set aside $500-700 a month for our wedding, max out my Roth IRA again, and pay off my Wells Fargo student loan by my birthday in June. If I continue paying the extra on my loan that I have been, I’ll have it paid off in September so to do it in June I’ll need to pull together an additional $500 per month.

    • More financial planning

      I have to get serious about what to do with my money rather just keeping it in savings account. I have already built up good emergency savings, max out 401K and need to get smarter. Also decide whether to buy a condo or not, I have been on the fence for over 2 years now thinking I will get married, move, etc. None of that has happened so far, and I continue living in a tiny rental in a crappy neighborhood where I can never invite any friends over. Really debating rent vs buy decision. Spent the weekend reading up bunch of personal finance blogs. Will look further into a fee-only financial planner.
      And on a shopping ban till spring, I do not need any more clothes.

      • Anon

        Do you have any personal finance blogs you can recommend? I already read Mr Money Mustache and Get Rich Slowly, not a huge fan of The Simple Dollar. Any others?

    • Bankratty

      I transfered some non performing assets into smarter investments right after the first of the year. Going forward, my goals are to:
      0 increase my student loan payment by $250/mo with the goal of paying off the loans in 27 months,
      0 continue contribting 10% of my pay to my 401(k),
      0 continue to track spending/income in You Need a Budget but transfer “surplus” income at the end of each month into investments or toward my student loans (No more hoarding cash in the savings account!), and
      0 learn more about personal finance and investing.

    • anony

      Get our mortgage back on track. We’ve had a really tough year. But it’s our own d#mn fault.

      Things that will help:
      1) we canceled cable
      2) I got a position with a volunteer “job” such that my cell phone bill will be paid in full for as long as I keep the job (at least a year)

      We just need to pay down our debt and work from a budget. In theory, our budget says that we should have about $800 in our pockets every.single.month that is not allocated to ANYTHING. In reality, we’re usually about $800 behind. It is sad, and scary, and I am actually very afraid of losing our house.

    • Lady Harriet

      -Get a better, full-time job. (I have a couple of strong possibilities that I should be hearing from very soon.)
      -Start saving for retirement once I (hopefully) have a more regular income.
      -Allow myself to spend small amounts of money as a treat and see how fast I can save the rest. I’m really, REALLY looking forward to this.
      -Get better at budgeting. I’m pretty good about it now, but there’s always room for improvement.

    • Budget software

      Does anyone have a suggestion for a budgeting tool that will let me keep track of declining student loan balances? I looked at You Need a Budget but it doesn’t seem to help on this front!

      • Sydney Bristow

        It’s not a budget app/software exactly but there is an iPhone app called DebtPayoffA where you can enter all your loan info and payoff plan and it will show your amortization schedule for each one and you check off each month’s payoff. It lets you add in extra payments above the minimum ins permanent basis or you can add extra payments in individually if they are less regular. It’s free so I think it’s worth playing with. It has a satisfying green bar that fills in for each loan as you pay them off.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Oh and I do use YNAB and have each of my loans set up as off-budget accounts with corresponding budget categories. There is a category for loans so it automatically lists them as negative amounts and that negative amount gets smaller each time I make a payment bi do have to enter in interest charges manually, which can be annoying to remember but also a harsh reminder of how much the loans really cost. Not sure if this helps what you were trying to do but thought I’d mention it.

      • Hel-lo

        Honestly, I’ve kept getting paper statements every month for just this purpose. I am more likely to see numbers that are going down. I like it that way.

    • Topanga

      1. Max out 401(K), Roth IRA, HSA
      2. I have a “Net Worth” goal in mint that I’d like to meet (this will partially depend on how the stock market does, admittedly)
      3. Stop using shopping as therapy! I have plenty of clothes.
      4. Actually make an effort to stick to the budgets that I make (related to #3).
      5. Not totally financial, but declutter a lot at home. Some of the stuff I can sell, so I’m including it with financial, but honestly I would rather be able to not be embarrassed about how much stuff I have than have a few extra dollars.

    • Wildkitten

      Pay off high interest credit cards. (I had a bad year, financially, and need to dig out of my hole).

    • Yo

      I see a lot of people here saying that they’d like to max out their Roth IRA. Just wanted to bring up the income limitations for eligibility –

      $110k single
      $173 married

  11. Anon

    Hi ladies. Please skip if you’re tired of pregnancy and ttc posts…I’m so, so excited as I’m about to finish my last pack of birth control! We are ttc our first starting this week. Any tips on how to not over-think things, stay calm, not turn this into a race to win and find the right calm, happy physical and emotional space to successful conceive?! I need to constantly remind myself “it could take a long time.”

    • anon

      If you’re just finishing your BC now, know that sometimes it can take 3 months for you to actually start ovulating again. And you’re smart to keep reminding yourself of the potential timeline. On AVERAGE it takes 6-8 months to conceive.

      • Marilla

        +1. Although this is hard to emotionally absorb.. even though I told myself and my husband all the stats about how long it takes, and we said we wouldn’t stress or chart or make it into a big deal – I still believed in my heart of hearts it would be faster. And it’s still disappointing. So give yourself lots of time and try to remember that it takes time – but don’t beat yourself up if you feel sad if it doesn’t happen right away, and give yourself space to be upset when everyone around you seems to be pregnant immediately (which seems to be happening in my friend circle!).

        • just Karen

          +1 We’re only four months in and I know it takes most people longer than that…but I am an overachiever and have never had something this important to me totally out of my control…it goes against my personality not to chart and do the ovulation tests etc, but so far we’re sticking to letting things happen (or not) in their own time… not much advice, just commiseration and joint excitement :)

      • Anon

        On the flip side – I expected this and steeled myself for it… and was pregnant in month 2. Wheee!

        • bizzyb

          Same here. Went off bc in March, pregnant by May. I consider it both planned and a surprise at the same time. I did get an app on my phone that highlighted ovulation days, but I didn’t make a thing about them beyond just trying to aim for somewhere around that time.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. I didn’t start ovulating again AT ALL (like 1.5 years) and needed fertility treatments.

        • Hel-lo

          This was the case for a friend of mine. It took her like 28 cycles to get regular again.

          Reading TCOYF really helped me feel so much more in control in this regard. Can’t recommend that book enough.

          • Joanna Toews

            Absolutely. I wish I’d started charting earlier…KNOWING the times I was likely ovulating was way more relaxing than GUESSING.

    • Anne Shirley

      Stop telling yourself you need to find “the right calm happy physical and emotional space to conceive “. People get knocked up all the time in all kinds of spaces. Don’t borrow other people’s problems- unless you have some particular fertility concerns, you really just need sex on the regular.

      • Anon

        Thank you! Refreshing advice! Every time I see a friend lately it seems they are pregnant! Hard to just be normal.

      • saltylady

        Yes. Watch out for fertility internet boards– they’re like a vortex of obsession.

    • Alice

      Not a doctor, but my obgyn recommended not TTC until 3 months after going off hormonal bc (using condoms in the interim). Something about less change of birth defects / less chance of multiples. Though I don’t know how much less of a chance.

      And also recommended both partners getting on prenatals before TTC.

      • Anon

        I discussed this issue with my dr and a friend who’s an ob, as I was worried about it too. They both said that there’s no correlation with birth defects and hormonal birth control and you can have a safe pregnancy as soon as you’re able to ovulate. Hopefully that’s accurate! My dr mentioned something along the lines of waiting three months to allow your body to start ovulating and to normalize, mostly so patient’s don’t get unduly when there’s no pregnancy after 3 months, but that there’s no need for back up contraception during that time. So maybe, I guess, that’s more what we’re doing? Perhaps I should save the excitement haha!

    • preg 3L

      When I was in this stage and started feeling anxious / wanted something to control / frustrated there was nothing I could do, I focused on being the healthiest I could be. I took care of doctor appointments I’d been ignoring (hello dentist & dermatologist), started running regularly and going to yoga more often (because I enjoy it, not because I wanted to be zen or trendy — do what works for you), ate more salads and fewer desserts (and obviously cut out liquor), we repainted our living room, and I finally read some books I had been meaning to read (like Lean In). 9 months of pregnancy is a really long time to read everything you want about pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing. The most important thing to do now is enjoy your healthy non-pregnant life (& have lots of s3x)! Good luck!

      • Anon

        Thank you! Reading what I want to read and focusing on health and a nice happy life sound great. I appreciate it! Have been taking prenatals and iron for a month or so and cut out diet sodas and barely drink anyway. I did dentist, regular physical, etc. in December. I appreciate the advice! I am really excited but don’t want my excitement/happiness to turn crazy :)

    • Hel-lo

      Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It’s easy to get nervous when the whole process is confusing. TCOYF really helps you understand how your body works.

    • Anonynon

      I’m in a similar boat now. Stopped BCPs over the summer. TTC since Thanksgiving as we wanted to give a few months buffer for the pills to clear my system and used c*ndoms. I’m trying not to stress about it and just enjoy the process. I have to say that even though I told myself I was taking it easy and not expecting this to happen right away, I was not prepared for how disappointed I felt when I got my first period after “actively” trying that first month. Especially because *it* was a few days late. I think secretly I thought I’d be one of those “I’m not stressing it so it happens immediately” people. My consolation prize was red wine and sushi. But be prepared for that burst of sad.

      On an aside — what prenatals do people recommend? I asked my regular doctor and she said a regular multivitamin with a good dose of folic acid is all you really need until you actually conceive so that’s what I’ve been taking, but maybe I should start something else? Specific recommendations appreciated.

      • Marilla

        The Mayo Clinic has a webpage with the recommended amounts of different vitamins etc you should be looking for in your prenatal. I made sure the one I’m taking is sort of within ballpark, but didn’t obsessively compare different counts.

      • bizzyb

        I just used a regular multivitamin with folic acid pre-pregnancy. Afterwards I used Rainbow Light prenatals, mainly because they got good reviews, had things like ginger that could help settle a stomach.

  12. Pancakes

    Question about business casual when it’s snowy/slushy outside. I have to go to an event tomorrow night that is business casual. Unfortunately, it’s extremely cold and still very snowy outside. I also live in a pedestrian/public transit city, not to mention the location of the event is only 2.5 blocks from my apartment (so a cab would be pointless).

    It’s at an upscale bar, so it’s not like I can wear snow boots and then stash them somewhere. Can anyone recommend an outfit to wear, shoes included? I have some flat brown knee-high boots. Not sure if that helps.

    • Mpls

      What do you snow boots look like? Are they a really flashy color? If they aren’t I’d say go with those and build around that.

      I guess it probably depends on the area of the country, but here (MN), I don’t think anyone would think twice about you wearing your snow boots to a bar. I guess if it’s upscale enough to have a coat check, you could try checking the boots too. If it’s cold and snowy you get a pass in my book.

    • Anonymous

      For business casual, you could wear some kind of sheath dress with a blouse underneath, tights and the brown flat boots.

      That’s what I would probably wear. I have some boots with stacked heels, so I’d be more likely to wear those for the short walk, but if you only have flat boots, I think those would be fine.

    • Rosalita

      If you live in a city that has snow, dress for the weather. In my city when it snows (often), it is not uncommon to see people wearing hiking boots or snow boots with slacks over top.

    • Bonnie

      If it’s only 2.5 blocks, your flat boots should be fine. If they are roomy enough, you could even wear socks over tights for additional warmth. It should be warm in the bar, so dress in layers.

    • Wildkitten

      Upscale bars in places that get cold often have coat checks/coat check rooms.

  13. Job Application Question

    I applied for a local agency job in November. I have current, relevant experience above and beyond meeting all the other criteria. The application process was through a recruitment service said they would be in contact. I heard nothing. I followed up and still nothing.

    I know who the director of the agency is. Should I send him my resume and a note saying that I applied through proper channels and got radio silence?

    • Wildkitten

      I wouldn’t use that wording, but I’d definitely contact the agency director to say how excited and qualified you are and that you’ve submitted your application through the appropriate channels, and also attached.

  14. Anon

    What do you ladies wear on your feet when walking around at home? I have new hardwood floors, which I love, but I didn’t realize they would feel so cold on my feet when I’m walking around at the beginnings and endings of my days. I have always preferred to be barefoot or in socks, but that was when my floor was carpeted! Wearing bedroom slippers all day seems a little silly.

    • saltylady

      Not socks. Used to do that, ended up breaking my wrist in a tragic wine-fueled, drop kicking stuffed animal accident. I do barefoot but slippers with tread would work.

      • Anon

        Great point! Didn’t even think of that! I was not wearing socks on the hardwood because I thought they would wear down too fast if I wore them around the house. I didn’t even think about slippage.

        • tesyaa

          Around the house I wear cheap gym socks (think Walgreens) so I don’t fret when they wear out. I don’t slip, possibly because I don’t clean my floors frequently enough. Seriously, I also have some rugs so it’s not all a wooden bowling alley.

    • anon

      In the winter I wear bedroom slippers all evening on our hardwood floors. They’re a moccasin style from J.Crew a few years ago. They look very similar to the Ugg Dakota.

      • Anon

        Ugg Ansley slippers – I wear them nonstop when I’m at home. Sometimes I even walk to the corner shop in them. They’re my most-loved, most-used possession.

    • anne-on

      Bedroom slippers and wool socks. But its like -5 here today. On a normal day, slippers. Slippers with some tread on them will give you more support and more grip, plus walking around barefoot on wood floors hurts my feet after a while.

      • OP Anon

        These are great. I think I’ll try these. I do a lot of walking in and out of the house so bedroom slippers without tread weren’t working. I would have to swap them out for flip flops every time I wanted to step outside.

        Thanks for the input everyone!

        • NbyNW

          I wear something similar to LLBean’s slipper scuffs but they are dearfoam brand and cost $9.99 at Costco. I get a new pair every three years or so, so they last a while. Maybe not quite as cute as these but same functionality at 1/4 of the cost.

        • Maggie

          Didn’t see all the recommendations below for the same, but there’s the link anyway!

    • NOLA

      My floors and stairs are slippery so I wear flipflops or gripper socks at home. If I have to go outside, I wear my Skechers slippers with a sole.

    • Clementine

      I live in my LL Bean Shearling Moccasins. They’re AMAZING. It helps us keep our heat at 66 without me feeling like I’m living in a frigid wasteland.

    • zora

      Totally slippers. When i lived in a big, old house with hardwood floors, most of us wore big poofy down slippers like half the year! i also have been looking at fleece pull-on slippers i kind of want. Or you could go with those socks wtih the grippy feet on them. But my feet are ALWAYS cold, so i need some serious foot covering no matter what the temp ;o)

    • Ashley

      Slippers for me. Its a cultural thing. But for you, they don’t have to be “bedroom” slippers. You could opt for some very comfy shoes you can easily slip on that would be warm, give you traction, and not wear out your floors.

    • kjoirishlastname

      I alternate between socks & birkenstocks or my shearling LLBean slippers. Sometimes the slippers actually get too warm.

    • Alice

      Minnetonka Moccasins. Warm and comfy. Good because I can wear them outside to take the dog around the block. Bad because my dog thinks the laces are tasty.

    • Matilda

      Fleece-lined Crocs. They aren’t pretty, but they are very, very warm and comfortable. Bonus: it’s not a problem if I need to run outside for something (which happens frequently since I have dogs), especially since they’re pretty water-resistant.

    • hoola hoopa

      Socks or barefoot most of the time, but shearling slippers when it’s cold (similar to the LL Bean classic).

    • taz

      I got a pair of shearling slippers from LL Bean this fall. I think the style is called “wicked good scuffs” if you look on their website. They are cosy, and have a rubbler sole, so you won’t go slip sliding all over the place if you have wood floors.

    • Bette

      In the winter, I wear my uggs as slippers in the house as slippers/outside for dog walking. In the early spring/late fall, I wear a pair of shearling lined mocassins that are amazing.

      I hate when my feet are cold and am a total klutz so these work well for me.

  15. Financial planner

    Recommendations for a good financial planner in NYC? I’m looking for someone fee-only (i.e. who is not trying to sell me anything). In BigLaw and just generally want to discuss student loans/saving for retirement/investment options/etc.

    • Fiscal Femme

      Not sure if this will completely fit the bill, but a friend of mine is a financial coach in NYC and she is fee-based. She’s not a licensed financial planner (i.e. will not tell you invest in X stock) but focuses on general investment vehicles, savings goals, debt, etc.

      Her name is Ashley Feinstein and she has a website, The Fiscal Femme. http://thefiscalfemme.com/

  16. gift backfire

    So, I posted a while back that I actually didn’t give anyone (my husband included) any ideas for Christmas presents. Pretty much. My mom had asked months ago, and I told her about a house project we were going to work on, so she got me a Home Depot card. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t say anything. Over the years, I had sometimes given specific lists (with links to items and whatnot) and had been very disappointed–folks would sometimes get ***similar items, but there would be some nuance (like the KEY characteristic) that wasn’t the same as the item I had chosen. (Example: I wanted a pair of 100% shearling slippers. I got polyester fleece faux shearling. They are basically useless because they make my feet sweat…)

    So, I put a lot of thought and effort into the present for my husband. He never gives lists, either, he just says “get me something cool.” I got him a new coffee maker to replace a poor-quality, user-unfriendly coffeemaker (I don’t drink coffee); a giftcard to Bass Pro so he can get either the windstopper jacket he wants, or a spotting scope; some really good coffee, and a “doodad” for lack of a better word that he (and I) use daily, (not THAT kind of doodad), that is just kind of a thoughtful expression and aid for something that we do as a routine/tradition every day. I put a lot of thought into the selection of this item, and in the end, it turned out to be his favorite gift, as well as the most unexpected.

    So, I told him that I wanted “something cool” Well, he went out on christmas eve (yep!) to purchase a gift for me. While the gift was kind of thoughtful in that it plays on our desire to get outside with our kids more, it’s not a particularly useful, or even personal present. What is it, you ask? A hammock. A backpacking/outdoors hammock that is big enough for our entire family to enjoy. I’m a little sad and shocked to know that the value of the hammock is about half what I spent on gifts for him. I know it’s not all about the money equality, but on some level, I’m like, “really?”

    Yes, I will never say “something cool” and now, neither will he because he saw how awful it was to try to guess (keeping in mind that I thought of his gifts without his suggestions). I hate feeling entitled, or ungrateful, but a pretty big part of me is disappointed. Not entirely sure that I’m looking for answers, but wanted to at least vent to the world.

    • mascot

      I get being disappointed. My husband doesn’t do as well with really thoughtful gifts (like maybe 20% of the time). He’s thoughtful in other ways, but his brain just doesn’t work that way. So instead of looking for the commercial worthy surprise, I usually suggest that we get a joint gift or an experience gift.

    • Anonymous

      You got him a coffe maker a gc and a doodad. That does not sound any more thoughtful than a hammock. Seriously I get being dissapointed by gifts but don’t make yourself out to be some crazy gift giving martyr. This is really really whiney

    • Hel-lo

      I didn’t make a list this year either. I emailed lists to my family for the past two years, and they avoided everything on it anyway. So I said why bother this year.

      But my husband forwarded my lists from last year and the year before to his family, and they got me everything I wanted. It was very nice. :) He is a great gift-giver and I am usually pretty terrible.

      I hate making lists, because it’s hard for me to sit around and think up a bunch of stuff I want, when I would rather feel gratitude for the things I do have. And I so often look around and think, “I want to get rid of all this crap.”

      Also, my MIL gets gift receipts for all the gifts she gives. But she doesn’t wrap them with the gifts. We always open at her house, and she says, “I have a gift receipt for that upstairs if you want it.” Uh, she’s doin’ it wrong. Grr. And she’s totally the kind of person that would pretend to be ok but really be offended if you asked for the gift receipt.

      But I’ll trade you your hammock for my Yankee Candle and Scentsy stuff. Also, I’ll throw in the K-Cup Coffemaker I got last year from my in-laws.

    • momentarily anonymous

      You said your not looking for answers, but I remember your first post and wanted to comment with some genearl advice.

      This gets cited a lot on here, but I think this is primarily a “love languages” problem. Based on the extremely detailed way you describe the thought/meaning behind your gifts (and the recipient’s reaction), it’s very clear that you view gift giving as an important way of showing your love. I am the same way – giving a thoughtful gift is very important to me.

      But not everyone thinks that way. The other “love languages” are quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. It seems likely that your husbands primary love language is not gifting – but I’d bet he really excels at one (or more) of those other 5 things.

      I also think this also comes down to communication. You describe being disappointed when people miss the “key characteristic” of your gift – but I honestly don’t think the key characteristic is that obvious. If you requested shearling slippers, I would assume the “key” thing is “slippers.” Unless you specifically mentioned the feet sweating thing, I would assume you wanted some really warm and cozy slippers of any variety. Or I might look to replicate the style of those slippers.

      So I think you either need to sit your husband down and explain exactly what you said here (I like giving thoughtful gifts; I’d like to receive thoughtful gifts in return; it’s an important means of communicating for me) or be more specific in guiding other gift givers (I’m looking for a product that does X, Y, and Z, rather than one example).

      • momentarily anonymous

        ugh, also, pardon the million spelling errors in there. posting from phone.

    • saltylady

      I’ve been giving my husband specific lists/requests for years. Early on, gifts from him included a globe, and something I can’t mention online (wtf?). He’s a super nice guy, but (a) his brain doesn’t work that way, like another poster said, (b) he is always sort of afraid of getting it wrong, apparently for good reason, (c) he isn’t good with jewelry or other women’s stuff, and (d) he comes from a family that doesn’t really understand gifts, either. I’m excited to report, however, that he did well this year– he listened during a conversation and then bought the thing that we discussed. In this case, we were talking about the Pink concert I went to, and saying that Lady Gaga would be fun. So he looked it up and bought tickets a few months out. This is MAJOR progress after 14 years of marriage.

    • Bonnie

      I think you’re being too tough on your DH. You gave him something that you can use together and he did the same. That he’s not good at picking presents is not indicative of his lack of love for you. With the slipper example, could it be that your list was out of budget for them? Real shearling slippers are not cheap, and are significantly more expensive than synthetic ones.

    • Pink

      My bf has all the material things a man could ever want ‘cept a yacht, racecar, etc. So I went the thoughtful route and got him a hammock (since every time we are outdoors, he states “I wish I had a hammock right now”). I totally hope he doesn’t feel the way you do.

    • Anon

      I have mixed feelings about this. I dislike lists because I enjoy thinking of thoughtful gifts, and I appreciate that reciprocated. But as I have gotten older I have come to realize that some people just aren’t like that, and that’s ok. It also helped my perspective to have a (ex) boyfriend who was a great, thoughtful gift giver who did not deliver on some other important stuff.

      As for practical advice, maybe set a budget and number of gifts you exchange with your husband?

    • tk1

      Ha, at Christmas time I will buy myself things I like and hand them to my husband and tell him, “You got this for me for Christmas, wrap it up.” I’d rather get what I like than expect him to read my mind. That said I am not a sentimental person, he will always get me like 3 or 4 cards for a single holiday and I just think, “what a waste of money, but it makes him happy.”

    • AIMS

      When we first started dating, I got some not so great gifts from my SO. I am also like the OP – I put a lot of thoughts into gifts (as evidenced by my frequent “help me find a gift for so and so” posts here), so it’s hard for me not to feel like WTF when I get what I perceive to be thoughtless gifts from someone, esp. someone I really care about. But I also HATE the idea of just saying “here’s a list of things I want” because that just seems to transactional to me. My solution is a two parter – one is I picked one or two small stores that I generally like and I told SO that when in doubt, he could probably have a high probability of success getting me something from that store. The second is if I see something I like throughout the year, I’ll casually mention that this is a type of thing I would enjoy as a gift and then I forget it — not like, “oh get me this and give it to me for my bday” but more like “you’d never think I want a stained glass table lamp, but I love those! that one is pretty! File it away in the mental rolodex” … Mr. AIMS isn’t someone naturally predisposed to getting great gifts on his own, but this helps him and I still get to feel like it’s a surprise.

      Oh, and totally agree with Anon at 5:49 – my ex gave fantastic presents that I still cherish and wear but I wouldn’t trade Mr. AIMS for the ex no matter how much I loved his presents.

    • Wildkitten

      I am a love language of gifts person and my bf often gets me gifts that aren’t perfect so I have taken to giving credit if there is a good explanation/thought behind the gift. In this case, he wanted to give you a hammock to enjoy outside with the whole family, which makes logical sense and is thoughtful. That counts. Only if there isn’t a logical thoughtful explanation do I allow myself to be ungrateful. I find that system helps for me, otherwise I would also be upset after most holidays.

      • Wildkitten

        And yes I should always be grateful, but, well, that’s not gonna happen.

    • SA

      I totally get it. One year my husband got me a toaster and a house for my dept 56 collection. I cried. Now I make lists with links. I cultivate it over the whole year. It’s called “Gifts for any occasion”

    • OP

      Thank you all so much for your insight. It was very thoughtful, and provided a lot of perspective. You all are right on that the THOUGHT of the gift was spot on–it is kind of an experience gift.

      I also like the “you could get anything from XYZ store and be safe” also.

      So, thank you–again, for the very thoughtful and both-sided responses. I really do appreciate it.

  17. new york associate

    About to head back to work (in BigLaw) after 5 months of maternity leave. I know it will be fine, but I’m having enormous anxiety about going back. Does anyone have happy success stories about working in BigLaw with two children? Or just in general, any words of wisdom or cheerleading? I am practicing as much positive self-talk as I can, but honestly, I feel totally overwhelmed and terribly anxious about the whole thing. Please encourage me.

    • ANP

      Hi there! Your posting was kind of late in the day and I don’t work in BigLaw but I did go back to a demanding job after having two kids. The best advice I can tell you is from Finding Nemo: just keep swimming! The first couple of weeks/months are going to be super, super hard. If you have a BigLaw salary I’m hopeful you also have BigLaw help: maybe a nanny who assists with the morning routine, or a cleaning person who does some of your housekeeping work.

      In the immediate term, I’d just try to take this one day at a time. You only have to worry about ONE day. Not the next three weeks or whatnot, but one day. Your kiddos will be thrilled to see you at the end of that one day and you should totally get takeout or something so that you can spend the whole evening just soaking things in with your family. Also, unless you’ve been working during your leave my guess is that it’ll take a little bit of time for things to ramp back up at work.

      Be kind to yourself during this time and GOOD LUCK! Come back tomorrow and tell us how it went!

    • CapHillAnon

      You can do it. It is a challenge, especially in the beginning, but you can do it. I took 3 months with my first and 5 months with my second, both while I was working at Biglaw, and I found it much harder to get back into the swing of things after my second. Be really kind to yourself, for starters. What helped me the most was three things: 1) actively prioritizing my free time (free time, ha, I know, but I’m talking about the tiny seams of time you have in the day to answer only to yourself). After a few weeks back, take stock, and be brutal about what you spend your 20 or 30 minutes (or however much it is) of daily Me Time on. I cut back friendships, workouts, house projects, entertaining, etc. and used my time for only the things on my list that were rejuvenating / critical for me. You can adjust it after a few months, but the first 6 months back you need to focus on your well-being in any stolen moment you have. 2) I tossed out advice and conventional wisdom that didn’t work for me. I couldn’t bear to have any photos of my children at my desk for months, for example, even though everyone seems to advise having pictures around to feel closer to them, help with pumping, etc. It just made my heart hurt to see them. You do what works for you. 3) Finally, appreciate the perspective that having 2 small people brings to your professional and personal life. It does bring a new focus to things. Keep updating your pro/con list on the big picture stuff. Be as deliberate as you can about the big things. It is so hard to take time to consider the big stuff when the day-to-day survival is so depleting, I know, but it pays off. Good luck! Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

    • saltylady

      I did it and I’m glad I did. I had my kids 18 months apart, so when I went back to a Big Law job after the second, I had two kids under the age of 2. I had to shuffle for a few months to avoid travel, and I wasn’t exactly working on the big trials. I pumped at work and most everything was ok. I did go “part time”– 75% hours, M-F, 9-4 or something, plus 45 min commute each way. We got a full time nanny who was fantastic. It was rough, but everyone I knew back then was doing the same– I didn’t yet have mom friends in the neighborhood who would never dream of working. So it felt normal. I had been at the firm for about nine years at that point– it was fairly comfortable.

      Mostly because of some group politics and pressure to try to make partner, I left within six months for a smaller firm that agreed to let me work three days a week, 9-5. That was good and bad– lame firm, weird boss, low pay, but great lifestyle at the time. I stayed four years, then went in house full time, very close to home, basically the perfect job for my situation. I never would have landed this job had I not stayed working. Never. And I’m glad I did, even though most moms in my area are SAHMs (very affluent suburb), so it no longer feels “normal”. I like being able to do much needed house renovations, pay for piano lessons for my kids (now school aged), take them skiing, go to Costa Rica this spring break, not worry about minor expenditures, and fully fund my retirement account. I’m home by 5pm, I cook at home five nights a week, I’m at 90% of school and sports functions, yet avoid most PTA stuff.

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