Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If you’re looking to invest in a beautiful work dress that goes a little bit above and beyond your typical LBD, The Fold should be one of your go-to brands. They always have the most gorgeous pieces with beautiful architectural details. This wool dress has super-flattering folds at the waist, and the blue color is a bit outside of the typical black/navy/gray mold.
The dress is $425 and available in U.S. sizes 2–12. Gracefield Wool Dress
More affordable options are from Eliza J for $118 and (on the more casual side) Monrow for $108.
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Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
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Washington DC end of March
I am going to a conference in DC at the end of March. What should I expect weather-wise? What do you typically wear at this time of year? Do I need a raincoat, some kind of light jacket, winter jacket? Boots, booties or can I walk out in my regular shoes? I have been to this conference in other locations so no dress code worries, more focused on what to wear outdoors and for the transition between indoors and outdoors.
Also: the conference is at Walter E. Washington convention centre. Is that an easy starting point for sightseeing or are there any nice restaurants or activities near by? How is public transit, Uber?
Anonymous
The answer re: weather is “yes”. You’ll have to look that week. Weather here is tremendously variable, esp in the spring.
Asheville Recs
Public transport is fine in that area of the city and easily accessible. Uber is also safe and easy to use in DC – the big attractions at the mall aren’t far at all from the convention center (15-25 minute walk depending on your pace and the weather). If you like indian food, Rasika is relatively close to the convention center (as is the unconventional diner, which I’ve heard good things about but haven’t been to).
ALC
Unconventional Diner is good, but make a reservation if you want to go because it gets slammed during conventions. Seylou is a bakery around the corner on N St. and has delicious pastries! Kinship is close to the convention center and on the fancier side, it’s very good. The Columbia Room is nice for a fancy drink, and the garden is very nice if the weather is good. For more casual lunch fare nearby, Taco Bamba has good fusion-y tacos and Shouk is a great vegan/Israeli place.
DCR
March is variable, it could be anywhere between 40 and 80. I would say that the 50s and 60s are the most common. It is highly unlikely you would need a winter jacket unless you are coming from a place that is significantly warmer and just are not use to any winter at all. Personally, I just wear a fall coat most of the winter here, but I’m from a colder climate.
In terms of the convention center, there are some good restaurants near by if you want something close (Espita and Unconventional Diner are the two I would recommend). The Columbia Room is an amazing cocktail bar. I highly recommend if you like cocktails at all, just make a reservation cause it gets busy and hard to get into. It’s also pretty close to Chinatown. It’s not too close to the main sightseeing, but you can just take the metro green or yellow line down to Archives – Navy Memorial stop, which is right off the mall, or take an uber.
DCR
Oh, I realized I didn’t answer your public transit question. The metro is right at the convention center, so convenient if you are going somewhere by a metro stop. Since there is both the green and yellow line at that stop, a train still generally comes about every 7 minutes even during the nights and weekends. Uber and lyft are very common in DC. It’s unlikely you would have to wait more than a few minutes and they are pretty cheap if you are staying within DC itself.
PolyD
Seconding Espita! The Dabney is also in the vicinity – they take reservations, but I know people who’ve had luck showing up when they open and getting a seat. It’s a Michelin-starred restaurant focusing on food from the Mid-Atlantic US. Also, Tiger Fork is in the area – Asian restaurant, the food is very good (especially the lamb noodles!). Oh, and Convivial a few blocks away – delicious food and wonderful service. If it’s nice out, which, there’s a good sporting chance, they have a nice outdoor eating area.
The area around the convention center is pretty amazing now. And as DCR said, there’s a metro stop right there that’s literally a 2-3 minute ride to/from Gallery Place/Chinatown area. The National Portrait Gallery is there (stop by and see the Obama paintings before they go on tour, plus a really cool exhibit on the history of women’s suffrage) plus lots of restaurants and bars and things.
If you want to get to the Mall, you could take the Yellow/Green line to Archives, which is about a block from the Mall. If it’s nice out, I’d just as soon walk from Archives to the other Smithsonians – otherwise, you’d go to Gallery Place, take the metro one stop to Metro Center, then switch to an Orange/Blue line to get to the Smithsonian stop (it’s maybe 2 stops away).
As far as weather goes, yeah, you’ll have to check. It probably won’t be winter-coat cold. Another thing to keep in mind, I don’t know where you are coming from, but I think DC tends to be more humid in spring than other places I’ve lived (IL and MI). That’s why I really don’t like raincoats here – too sweaty. I just use an umbrella, which, you might like to have, because often when it rains here, it’s monsoon-like downpour, not nice polite spitting as I’ve experienced in Seattle.
Anonymous
I LOVE Tiger Fork. The chili wontons and fried rice are incredible.
ALC
Also, the Dabney Cellar is a hidden wine bar that has light bites. It’s in a basement on 9th street, difficult to find but a really nice place for a glass of wine.
joan wilder
I second the above list and also (if you imbibe) add Maxwell Park, my absolute favorite wine bar.
BabyAssociate
Weather: who knows, but it’ll probably be warm. Maybe a light jacket, definitely not a winter jacket. Whatever shoes you want. All that with that caveat that it depends where you’re coming from/what you’re used to. In my opinion, there hasn’t really been a winter in DC this year.
Location: yes, the convention center is pretty centrally located. You can walk to the mall in 20-25 minutes, if you’re looking to do that, and the Portrait Gallery is less than a 10 minute walk. Public transit is good. I wouldn’t bother with uber unless you’re flying in to Dulles (Reagan is far preferable). There are a bunch of restaurants by the convention center, with the closest being Unconventional Diner. Chercher is a great Ethiopian place and Supra is a Georgian restaurant nearby. What kind of food are you looking for?
Anonymous
+1 to Supra. I’d never tried Georgian food before, and I went with colleagues last summer. It was a very fun experience!
Eloise
Lots of good stuff near the convention center. For a casual lunch, Shouk is great. If you head a little south, Zaytinya and Rasika are delicious. I also really like Centrolina in City Center. For a fancier meal, Kinship is right by the convention center and wonderful, and I have heard the Dabney is excellent but haven’t been.
Public transit is super easy from the convention center, and Ubers/taxis should be easy and affordable to just about anywhere in DC. You can also walk so many places!
Washington DC end of March
Thank you all!
Anon
Rant ahead: How do you get over general dissatisfaction with life? What should I do differently? Any advice to an 2L for making it through the years through law school and beyond, or for getting out of my own way? Is this a symptom of depression? Book recommendations? Tips for getting over regrets?
I come from a modest but solidly middle class background (parents were college educated but not high income, we never vacationed abroad, I went to school in a mediocre public school district and had a full ride to college – based on family income level – where I felt a little lost in the parties with swarming undergrads off to chase down the latest Whiz kid), and have been feeling a little out of place at law school.
Academics are fine, I got a near-full tuition scholarship to a mid- to low-T14 school in a LCOL area, have done reasonably well (enough to get hired into biglaw firms anyway), am extremely frugal, and will graduate with less than $50k in debt. But I tend towards anxiety and sometimes depression (although I was never diagnosed because my parents don’t believe in being weak) regarding academics and finances, and tend to have regrets.
Specifically, and recently, sometimes I wonder whether I should have gone to a “better ranked” law school where I was accepted but didn’t think I would be able to afford, even though I know – then, as now – logically that school ranks are probably superficial and not that important in the grand scheme of things, and I consciously chose my school for the scholarship $$.
Sometimes I wish I had majored in a different major in college that would provide a more passionate way of life. But then, I don’t feel like a passionate person.
Sometimes I feel helpless against the onslaught of terrible news, in the US and elsewhere, of sexism, racism, xenophobia, marginalization of minorities. I wanted to change the world with law, but even such lofty goals now seem out of touch with myself, and I find myself dismissing these urges to fight and trying to bury my head in the sand. Part of it is that I feel aimless and drifting, like I don’t belong here, despite having friends I met in law school and a bunch of activities keeping me on my toes. Sometimes I feel I attribute my feelings of isolation to belonging to a few different minority groups, not all of which I feel are accepting of the other parts of me. I also wish I were more healthy of mind and body.
I feel disinclined to be involved in a romantic relationship, afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle all the desperate feelings that I usually try to keep in check. I am in therapy and have been for some time, which seems to help sometimes when I spiral, but not so much on other days.
I know logically that one can’t always be jubilant, but I always feel like there should be something more to life. People keep telling me this should be the best time life, that I am lucky which rings hollow when I think about how I feel my life actually feels, even though, again, I kmow I am objectively very very fortunate. I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what to do.
Apologies for the rant, any thoughts are appreciated. FWIW, I am in therapy (cbt) and my therapist(s) don’t think medication is warranted just yet.
Anonymous
This sounds like some combination of depression, anxiety, and getting to acceptance.
Anon
+1
My therapist didn’t think I was quite at the point of needing anti-depressants but after one particularly bad bout of depression I went to my doctor and got them anyway. It was a game changer.
Carrie
+2
How long have you been in therapy?
Sometimes starting an anti-depressant is the bridge you need to get through the hard stuff in therapy. It doesn’t mean medication is forever. And sometimes our doctors forget to tell us that it is really damaging on the brain to go through years (back to your childhood?) of untreated illness.
Meanwhile – congrats on doing so much on your own, and getting those amazing scholarships. You clearly have a lot to contribute to the world, and can get there. You just need a hand to bring you up the last couple steps. So try to get some sunlight every day or buy a Happy Light to get you through winter, do something exercise wise or outside everyday, even if just for 10 minutes, try to find a volunteering outlet somewhere where you can keep your goals and life’s meaning in perspective…. and ask your doctor/therapist for a bit more help.
Dolce
This sounds like pretty heavy depression to me. I would push back on your therapist, and talk to your GP about finding a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis and potentially medication.
Housecounsel
I absolutely agree with Dolce. I think you need a second opinion, stat. I am hearing depression and anxiety and you deserve to feel better.
Anon
I agree. This sounds like depression to me.
FWIW, I struggled with depression as a 3L despite the fact that I had a biglaw job lined up. It should have been a nice time, but I was just so uncertain about everything. I am so happy I got help from the student health center. Now that I’m 10 years out from school, I am 100% sure that college and law school was not the best time in my life. I am so much happier with myself now.
Anonymous
FWIW, T14 and getting scholarship $ is #winning.
IDK where you are (Duke? UVA?), but maybe just take Saturday night off from school and ask the local police (the social workers of last resort) if you can do a ride along. It probably does all law students good to see a bit of real life after too much Penoyer vs Neff. At any rate, you may see yourself again as learning how to join a helping profession (I do transactional law, but expunging long-ago criminal offenses is a good pro bono gig and helps people who have straightend up their lives have better employment opportunities).
And pls take care of yourself.
Telco Lady JD
I agree with the above commenters. You need a second opinion re: depression and/or anxiety. I struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder in law school. I very clearly remember thinking, “I’m at the top of my class, I’ve got a job waiting for me at one of the best firms in the country, and I’m thin for the first time in my life….why can’t I stop crying?” Um…because anxiety. And unfortunately, I didn’t get medication for too long. Lexapro was a game changer for me – not that it made my life better, but because it made ME better able to handle life.
Also, FWIW….I know very few people who would consider law school to be the best years of their life. Don’t put that pressure on yourself.
anon
I was there in 2L, including the bits about groups accepting parts but not all of you. Law school was the first time I saw a significant degree of economic privilege up close, and that fed in to the feelings of not belonging and existential dread and terror. To echo others: very few people think law school was the best years of their lives. It’s awful and grinding and exhausting.
Book rec: Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski.
Practical tips: stop engaging with the news except as required for school. (I graduated in 2008 and vividly remember waking up every day to the economic update on the radio and having panic attacks about how i would never pay off my loans.) Give yourself permission to sleep as long as you want one day this weekend. Make plans with your non-law school friends – that there are non-law things that you enjoy. Talk to a doctor, not just your therapist, about meds.
Take care of yourself. You’re more than halfway through this!
Anonymous
Your background and thoughts of “there should be / I should be something more” remind me of myself. In addition to the other commenters’ advice, I would recommend looking for hobbies and/or ways to give back that are meaningful to you (to help you fulfill the part of you — which you shouldn’t ignore — that wishes you would have followed your passion more). I found that law school and being a lawyer in general had a way of stripping away my pre-law school identity, and in some ways I lost parts of who I was. I think the more you can do now – as a 2L – to grasp onto those things and make space to nurture them, the more fulfilled you will be in the future. There is a good podcast that you might benefit from in terms of examining / shifting your mindset called Unf*ck Your Brain. The host is a former lawyer, and she aims to help us type-A folks examine our thoughts and get out of our own heads.
I hope this helps. You’re doing great. And I agree with the commenter above who said that T-14 and scholarships is #winning. You will NEVER regret not having loads of law school debt. Pay that off as fast as you possibly can so that should a “passion” job cross your path after law school, you’ll have the freedom to take it.
Anonymous
Also, at the risk of sounding too obvious, your comment that you wish you were more “healthy of mind and body” is prompting me to ask whether you are exercising regularly. Not for vain reasons but for health. It’s amazing what regular exercise will do for your mood and confidence, not to mention your physical health. And it’s completely in your control. Something as little as going for a daily 30 minute walk outside can really improve your day-to-day. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but as someone who recently committed to prioritizing my health, I felt that tip – while perhaps obvious – is too important not to share.
Anonymous
Combine CBT with medication and you’ll feel better
TheElms
Agree with everyone that you need a second opinion re: depression and medication because you deserve to feel better. But while you’re working on that I want to tell you all the wonderful things you have done right that you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for. You got into excellent law schools and you got a scholarship to go to one of them and you’ve lived frugally so you don’t have a ton of debt. That means you have options! That means you can afford to try things and have them not go as planned! You can go to biglaw (because they will pay for you to study for the bar and even after 1 year you’ll likely have paid off the debt you have or be very close to doing that). If you like biglaw or aren’t sure you can stay. If you aren’t sure what to think of biglaw you can use the time to look for something you feel more passionate about. Try the different pro bono activities at your firm. Try different practice groups. It might take a while but you’ll find something that sticks and then because you made all those awesome decisions you can go do that thing you find. Certain phases in life are just hard, this sounds like a hard one for you. Its ok to recognize that its hard. Not all of life will be this hard.
Anonymous
I hated law school. I thought I had made a terrible mistake by training to be a lawyer. But after 11 years in, I love my job. Sure there are aspects of it I don’t love, but overall I feel like it gives me what I need both intellectually and allows me to feel like I am doing fulfilling work. (I am an appellate public defender.) It doesn’t pay well *for a lawyer,* but it provides a comfortable life. I discovered when I did my law school’s clinical program that I really enjoyed public defender work. So I would encourage you to do what you can to try out different areas of law and different types of lawyering to help you find something that fits.
Alumna of your school?
Maybe you are where I was for law school. Definitely share this with your therapist and continue getting mental health care. However, also know that the school isn’t the time of your life for everyone.
It’s tough when everyone seems to be having the time of their life and you’re not. Being a member of a minority group can be really tough there. The student body skews to straight white guys and I think that’s who was having the best time.
What helped me:
-getting away from the law school to go to the gym, library, and events on other parts of campus (even studying at the business school next door was good)
-I left every other weekend to go home (a couple hours’ drive)
-studying abroad for a semester (it wasn’t a great program, but it was one fewer term in that place)
-knowing that I’d be able to get out after graduation
-taking practical classes from practitioners
I wish I had gone to office hours more and formed closer bonds with my professors, especially the younger ones fresh from the kinds of places I’d lived before.
I am so much happier now that I’m a decade out of school—frankly, I was immediately happier when I was on the road out of that town for the last time. The first couple years of practice when you don’t know what you’re doing are also tough, but you can be in a city that has more people like you and start envisioning what you want your career to be once you know what you’re doing.
Telco Lady JD
Sounds like where I went to law school too…
anon
this sounds like heavy depression to me. it’s where I am too and I am trying to force myself to work out right now too whenever possible. It’s not fun obviously but it really is magical at forcing my mind to exit that space
Anonymous
Chiming in to say: A dear friend at BigLaw often reminded me that his fancy degrees cost him more than twice as much as my less fancy degrees did, but we ended up at the same place and were equally well-regarded by the firm. Don’t think twice about that fancier/more expensive school. Your manageable debt load will allow you to make decisions based on what you want to do, not what you must do to maintain your student loan payments.
Patricia Gardiner
Beautiful dress.
Has anyone washed the MM Lafleur jardigan rather than dry cleaned? I love mine and wear it frequently, but would really like to avoid the hassle of dry cleaning. Thanks!
anon
I am following….haven’t ordered one yet but hearing how everyone likes it. What do you like about the Jardigan?
Patricia Gardiner
It is the perfect topper for me- looks professional (more like a blazer than a cardigan IMO), extremely comfortable (soft and stretchy). I always get compliments when I wear one and feel put together and modern. The only thing I don’t like is the dry cleaning!
Anonymous
Here is a counterpoint.
I chill easily. The jardigan is a nice weight, but it is synthetic and holds no warmth at all. And it only seemed to work over sleeveless garmets, so it bunched the sleeves on 90% of what I own. For me, it was merely an arm covering. I have the MMLF long belted merino cardigan (I call it my robe sweater) and I like that a lot. I have struggled on shorter jackets — I have one in boiled wool, one from BR in cotton, and have tried the JCrew going out jacket. I think I’m looking for something more Chanel / St. John (thicker fabric that would keep me warm, shorter/boxy cut, pockets would be fantastic), but hesitant to spend that sort of $ (but willing to die a death of a thousand cuts in the process).
FWIW, I am in the SEUS, so in winter it is a damp chill and maybe 68 degrees in my office and in the summer I swear it is much colder when they crank up the A/C.
CPA Lady
I think it has been discontinued, but I really love the J Crew Margot blazer. It’s cropped and has pockets. The fabric has (merino?) wool in it so it’s actually really toasty. I’ve gotten a couple of them on poshmark.
Anokha
Related: has anyone tried Dryel with the jardigan?
anon
I have it and washed on a delicate cycle and hung on a hanger to air dry. worked great!
Patricia Gardiner
Thank you!
Anon Lawyer
Yes albeit by mistake. It was fine.
Anon
I washed the jardigan with poor results. It looked rumpled and slightly misshapen forever after that. I would try hand-washing it first, then move to machine if that works.
Anon
I have a job interview for a financial company in Chicago. The HR told me the dress code is “business formal.” I have been working in engineering the last 9 years, so I’m used to sports pants and hoodies. I don’t own any suits or button-downs. Is a suit and a button down mandatory for business formal? Is there any way I can get away with a more casual outfit?
Anon
A suit is mandatory, yes. A button down shirt, no.
If the dress code is business formal, then you will likely need to wear a suit or equivalently formal dress every day. For the interview of course you have to wear a suit. I work in IT and wear athleisure some days, and even I interviewed in a suit.
Anon
Thanks. By the way, what should I wear underneath the suit?
Diana Barry
You need a suit. A button-front shirt isn’t required, just a nice blouse and a suit.
Anon
What kind of blouse is usually acceptable? Or should I just go for a button down because those are easier to style?
Anonymous
Red flag.
rosie
If you are comfortable wearing a button down, that’s fine. I fine them more fussy (harder to fit right, worry about gaping in between buttons, what to do with collar, etc.).
I like the suggestion of going to Macy’s and trying on a bunch of suits. They used to have a Calvin Klein everyday value line that would be great for this — different types of jackets (1-button vs 2), pants, pencil skirt, a-line skirt, etc. along with a bunch of different tops and shells that all match or coordinate. Grab a bunch of items and see what feels most comfortable to you. If not Macy’s, I’ve had decent luck going to Ann Taylor and being able to walk out with a suit that works for me.
anon
for a business formal office (not that I have ever worked in one) I would go with something like this – https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/theory-stretch-silk-shell/5328419/full?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=ivory
Note – you can get it for less than $200+. I just didn’t have time to keep looking
Anon for this
Honestly, no. If you’ve been specifically told it’s business formal, you should wear a suit. I probably wouldn’t even be comfortable in dressy separates.
Anon for this
Oh, and ditto on what others said regarding the button down. Not necessary.
anon
you need an interview suit.
Allie
Adding you need a suit but also you can just buy a perfectly solid interview suit at a mall store today and it doesn’t have to be crazy expensive. Personally, I’d check online for applicable coupons, go to Macy’s, grab a ton of plain black or navy blue suits, and the affordable shells that are near them, try them all on and just buy one.
Anon
+1
Anon
You can wear a casual outfit if you don’t want the job.
Anon
I get it. Thanks anyway.
Anon
Maybe it’s not but this our button down fetish friend back for more?
anon
Seems like it.
anon
No, do not wear a more casual outfit. You need a suit. Button-down isn’t necessary, but I repeat, buy a dang suit.
Cat
You need a suit. Your choice of pants vs. skirt, or of a sheath dress with matching suit jacket. Would recommend NOT doing a button down shirt as (a) it’s not required, and (b) it won’t feel natural to you. A polished knit top or silky blouse or shell will be more comfortable but still within the dress code.
Anon
Honestly, none of the things you mentioned will feel natural to me. So I guess my best option is to try all of these and find out what best fits me.
Much thanks.
Ribena
In your position I’d go to a big department store and book a personal shopper.
Anonymous
If there is a Banana Republic, I’d go there and try on everything. The suiting is the best mall quality I’ve found and they have a ton of cuts for pants. And tall-regular-petites. And frequent sales. Go with classic colors: navy or black.
Anon
Think about whether this is even the right job for you. If you don’t want to wear a suit for an interview, you may not want to work every day in a business formal work place.
Anon
This, for sure.
Allie
As I said – just go to Macy’s and grab the blouses that are on the rack right next to the suits and buy a plain one that feels comfortable to you.
DCR
+1. Just go to macy’s. They will have many different brands of suits to try on, so you are likely to find one that works with your body type. They have shells and blouses right by the suits. I personally like the Calvin Klein ones.
Anon
Another option is to check out rent the runway. They have plenty of professional options you could rent, that way if you don’t get the job you haven’t wasted money on a suit.
Anonymous
Reposting from yesterday – what do you read for news and industry news? Lawyers, do you read every state supreme court case that is published that week? Do you read a newspaper or skim headlines on an app?
BabyAssociate
“do you read every state supreme court case that is published that week?” I’m not a litigator, but I truly can’t imagine ever doing this. I’m in a niche regulatory practice and our librarian circulates various trade publication every morning (I don’t read them all, but will look it over).
CountC
Also not a litigator, and am in-house – I get and skim a daily email from FedReg for regulatory updates, I have signed up for a couple of practice-area specific newsletters from large firms with top groups in those practice areas, and I follow some industry groups on LinkedIn. I occaisionally browse industry pubs while I am on conference calls.
Niki
M
Litigator here. A state administrative agency I practice before sends a daily digest email of matters decided the previous day – I skim that, once in a while click on a case to read if it looks interesting/important. I scan a law360 daily email for my practice area as well. Also, colleagues in my practice area will circulate decisions affecting our clients.
Anonymous
I read relevant appellate decisions from my state courts and any relevant SCOTUS decisions.
Anon
I’m in house at a tech company, doing corporate/commercial/employment/whatever the day calls for. I read CLOC’s message boards, ACC’s message boards, TechGC’s message boards, law firm alerts from several of the big Valley firms, and check my LinkedIn feed because a lot of friends post great articles. On weekends I read the ACC docket and generally watch a CLE or two that’s relevant to broadening my knowledge (so outside my areas of expertise). Yes, I am that fun!
"Woke Olympics"
Why does this site insist on tearing people down who are doing good things? How come being a good person is treated as performative and insults such as”woke Olympics” are thrown. Is it so implausible that someone is just a genuinely good human and thinks a mini fridge is wasteful?
Anon
I’m a genuinely good human and do not think a mini fridge, for me, in my circumstances, is wasteful. Perspective is important and is often lost o these threads. Good for me, not for you.
Housecounsel
I don’t think people on this site tear people down who are doing good things. I think many of us object to the sanctimony of those who insist on demonstrating their environmental wokeness. I must have missed a post yesterday. Is my wine fridge (at home, not in office) also wasteful?
Anon
“Good for me, not for you” is mostly meaningless through. I get why we do it, our lives are all different, but you could justify literally anything with that. “10,000 plastic straws a year? Good for me, not for you! Throwing all my glass bottles into the trash? Good for me, not for you!” We have to stop using that as a crutch and a reason not to do better – save it for the times it counts.
LaurenB
Cool. So I hope you’ve thrown out your iPad – don’t need one if you have a laptop – and your phone isn’t the product of child labor. Btw, going out to bars is wasteful – all that electricity! – and alcohol is certainly not necessary in life – but fascinatingly enough that never comes under scrutiny.
Anon
We can all try to do better. I’ve noticed you always swoop in to get defensive and a bit nasty on these threads no matter what is said so I won’t fight you on it.
SC
But those things are “good for me, not for you.” For example, many people with disabilities need to use straws, and there are reasons plastic are better for them than metal or reusable (more flexible, for example, or easier to wash). My county does not have glass recycling, so glass goes straight into the trash. I’m sure most people have ways they can reduce their environmental impact, but it’s not the same for everyone.
Anon
“I’m sure most people have ways they can reduce their environmental impact, but it’s not the same for everyone.”
Yup. This. A hundred times this. Different strokes for different folks. Have faith that many of us are trying our very best, and sure there could be room for improvement, but I’m better than yesterday and I will be better tomorrow, even if my “better” looks different than yours… fridge or no fridge.
Anon
It’s not cool for millions of people without disabilities to co-opt the straw needs of people with disabilities though. That’s not your battle and you can eliminate straws in your own life with minimal effort. You really can.
Anon
Y’all, the expression is actually “good for you, not for me”
Anon
I do think it’s abused way too much, but in other instances, nothing is ever good enough for the woke police (like our vegan princess friend from last week who does everything right and why can’t you). You have to know when to call it that though. Aggressively parading your pronouns to anyone who will listen? Performative. Helping your trans friend in a time of need? Being a good friend. Constantly bragging about how little you’ve used Amazon? Performative. Posting a link to your favorite non-plastic bag? Helpful.
Worry About Yourself
Truth! I try to be as eco-friendly as I reasonably can be in my everyday life, and I find people who go around constantly performing “green audits” on everyone’s life are really annoying. Don’t point to every little thing someone is doing wrong and go “oooooh no no no, don’t do that, it’s bad for the planet!” But people who share their favorite eco-friendly alternatives and habits they’re genuinely excited about are helpful. “Hey, we found this local startup that picks up food scraps and turns them into compost, check them out!” “I found these yoga pants that don’t shed so many fibers into the water supply, and they’re just as comfy as regular yoga pants!” “We’ve been using these reusable silicone baggies for lunches and they work great!”
I also think there’s a fine line between being open to learning and changing, and feeling annoyed when people are constantly picking apart and judging your everyday habits.
Anon
+1 to all of this, especially “green audits” of everyone else’s life.
Anon
Wait, what are those yoga pants? That is intriguing to me.
Worry About Yourself
AFAIK they’re not real yet, but I wish they were. Bad example I guess. But I have this one cousin who always gets on my case for wearing athleisure because it’s bad for the environment, microfibers in the water supply and all that noise. She made her point once, she knows I know and I really wish she’d let it go, UNLESS she can suggest an alternative, because I’m honestly not sure what the heck she expects me to wear instead.
Poppies
Hmm, I had no idea my yoga pants shed microfibers into the water supply. I guess I’m mixed on the topic – I appreciate getting pushed because I do believe we can always do or learn more, but I roll my eyes at the sanctimonious comments. Balance is key.
anon
Vegan Princess from last week is an extreme example, though. Yesterday the afternoon post listed all the pro’s of having an office fridge, and several users pointed out that they would not get one for environmental reasons. That was enough to get people all defensive. Yeah, more and more people take environmental impact into account when making choices, that is our world now. And more and more people also discuss this and learn from each other. Sure, you have a right to make your own choices and those choices need to work for your life and practical vs. idealistic is a frequent tradeoff. But those rights extend to us all, no? We can be flawed and still talk about how to be better.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. (Gandhi)
Anon
You realize that quote from Gandhi was used by Elizabeth Holmes to justify why people needed to keep investing in Theranos, right? Sometimes people laugh at an idea for a good reason.
anon
ok, that’s fair. It only works either motivationally (we are the underdog now but the world will come around eventually) or with the bias of hindsight. That said, I just read that the UK wants to stop sales of combustion engines in 15 years. That would be quite the shift for mainstream consumers.
glass houses
How do you define “good human”? If you say you are speaking from such a position about the horrors of the personal minifridge, it’s totally fair game to open up all of your habits to scrutiny.
Anon
Because most people play at activism instead of putting their money where their mouth is. Buying the right or wrong products is picked apart, but making real changes (having fewer or no children, living car-free, etc.) is hand-waved away. Those of us who HAVE made those big decisions find it infuriating to be told what to purchase by people treating green living like a convenient costume.
Never too many shoes...
Ding ding ding!
The children thing makes me so crazy. A Green Party candidate once came to my door to ask for my vote – when she started talking about her FIVE children, I sent her packing.
Anon
Are you sure they were her biological children whom she had after getting involved with environmentalism? It’s not green to have kids, but it’s also not ok to just abandon kids who already exist in order to look green.
Annony
I almost did a coffee spit take onto my laptop. I hope you take that as a compliment!
Anonymous
At least ask if she gestated them or adopted them, right?
Never too many shoes...
She described herself as a “life long” environmentalist and mentioned the neighbourhood hospital’s baby-friendly policies (and that she had her babies there), so I felt pretty good in my judgment.
Anon
You shouldn’t feel good about judging people who have children.
Casper
I kind of automatically stop listening to anyone who lectures me about environmentalism if they have kids. Sanctimommy vegans are the worst
Anon
Yep. The more strident and absolutist someone is, the more I tune out.
Anonymous
I need for someone to have kids.
With no kids of my own, I am going to have to rely on someone else’s kids to be working at the nursing home I wind up in (and even if I had kids, at this point, they’d be in their prime working years when I get old and break down, so even if I lived with a kid, that kid would need home health aides to come take care of me anyway).
Plus, I’d become more dependent on others as I get older (grocery delivery services, package delivery services, drivers to take me to appointments once I stop driving). I don’t think we’ll have robots for that in the next 40 years but I will need some help by then (or before, if I become disabled or have a stroke).
Anon
It’s not just people who work in the nursing home. It’s people who build the nursing home, do plumbing and electrical repairs, shovel the snow outside, repair the roof. Then you need people to grow your food, transport your food to the nursing home, prepare the food. You need people to manufacture, transport, and sell the tools to prepare food. You need someone to install the stove.
It blows my mind when people act like the only thing they need other people for is replaceable with a robot. Uh huh….
Monday
I also feel this way as someone who works in non-profit social services, with a modest income to match. (I know I’m not the only one here, but we’re a minority.) I have rarely been involved in these “woke” threads, but I could suggest devoting your career to public service, never expecting to make much money, and then doing what feels right at the margins of your life such as shopping choices. For me, the central choice about what I do with my life is “money where my mouth is” on social issues, and the choices debated here are all details.
I will probably be attacked as a Woke Olympian for this. I am not saying I’m superior to others but am saying this is one approach rarely mentioned.
Carrie
I agree with you!
OF course, this is a blog about fashion, so in a way we are allowed to be superficial and catty here at times. This is a stress release / guilty pleasure for many of us during the day.
But considering the brain and firepower of the women on this site, I sometimes get sad seeing the directions so many lives take. Big law/finance… the $$ on the table here… the directions so many of us take our careers …. If only we all realized the potential impact we could have.
But I think being self-centered is essentially human (I’m guilty!), we are all products of our environment and it is very hard to step away from that without life experiences that make things real to you.
So I think it is important we keep talking.
anon
being altruistic and social is also deeply natural, there are studies showing that.
Anon
Yes! My entire career has been in public service and there are some awesome green things I’d love to do that I can not afford! And some other things I do because duh I’m not rich (like once I was told here to drive my car until it dies and use my phone til it breaks rather than getting each new phone model and getting a new car every few years… like yeah I make 50k I have to use those things til they die)
I make ethical and eco friendly decisions as much as possible, but I truly believe that my greatest contribution to the greater good is through my career (formerly humanitarian assistance, currently disaster response)
LaurenB
I feel quite confident that the posters who fridge-shamed fly on planes.
OP
I didn’t mention my own lifestyle choice least I be accused of participating in the woke Olympics too, but you are 100% correct on the big actions.
anon
Because “being a good person” seems to be an ever-moving target? I don’t know; I hesitate to judge someone based on one particular action, like having a mini-fridge. (I’m sorry, but that discussion was BONKERS.) You have to look at the whole picture. We all make choices that are good and others that are sub-optimal.
Anonymous
yep, agreed. the conversation yesterday was so self righteous. Having a mini fridge may not be the right choice for you, but it could be for me. NONE of us makes the 100% good, right, green, clean, moral decision every single time. It would be too exhausting and you could never leave your house. There are so many green commenters on this site, who literally think it is ok for them to tell everyone else what to do. I appreciate and respect your choice, but i will still make my own choices, based on what is right for my life. I do not believe that you are more moral than i am because you don’t have a mini fridge and I don’t believe that you have any right to impose your choices on me.
LaurenB
Because it’s not “not being a good person” to desire a mini-fridge. It isn’t what I’d do, but it’s not some level of evil.
Senior Attorney
Haha I feel like this whole thing could be an episode of The Good Place.
Anon
Are you the vegan from last week doing an elaborate whole-life version of 17th century cosplay/culture immersion and calling it environmentalism? I didn’t make this suggestion last week but I’ll make it now: you are on the wrong blog. We are not your people. I am sure there are other blogs/communities out there for hairshirt environmentalists who want to live like they are in medieval times and feel sanctimonious about their carbon footprint vs. everyone else’s. You are feeling frustrated and angry because you want us to “get it” and we will never “get it” according to your standards. You would be happier spending time elsewhere. I wish you the very best of luck in your future endeavors.
anon
Unpopular opinion but I agree with OP. I like hearing suggestions for how to do better. I may have to disregard some for various reasons (which I’m free to do! And so are you!) but it’s incredible how hostile and defensive the commenters on this blog can be.
Anon
+1.
780
Agreed too. I have made some changes to my life in light of issues brought up here, and I’m happy about that. I want to have less of an environmental impact and I don’t get the resistance to hearing about other ideas. Maybe I consider the environmental impact and decide it is outweighed by other considerations, but I want that to be a conscious choice I make and not just because I bury my head in the sand about the environmental impact.
Worry About Yourself
I like hearing suggestions. What I don’t like is “if you do this thing, you’re a bad person” or “if you haven’t made this lifestyle change yet, you’re trash.” I don’t like seeing one person say to another, that if they’ve chosen not to make this or that lifestyle change, they’re obviously selfish and don’t care about the environment.
Where I think the overly defensive comments are coming from, is when someone makes a suggestion and they sort of read that aforementioned judgment into the suggestion. “I’ll bet this person thinks anyone who isn’t composting is literal human garbage, so I’d better call them out on that right now and remind them that I don’t compost and I’m still good because I do other good things!” I think the line between “hey, consider doing this thing” and “anyone who cares about the planet needs to do this thing or we’re all going to die and it’ll be their fault” seems thinner than it really is.
anon
+1 I find a lot of the posts here on things to consider very helpful even if I don’t ultimately chose to take up the suggestion. However, often times the tone distracts from the helpful information and then people feel the need to jump in and defend their actions because they think someone has told them they are a horrible human being and it’s squarely their fault that global warming is a thing. We can all do better but it’s important to remember that we’re all coming from/starting from different places and basically no one is going to be persuaded to do anything by telling them they are a bad person.
anon
+1! I regularly don’t follow what people on this blog say is the right way to live my life. I don’t have a skin care routine, I love color blocking, I don’t care if you think cardigan toppers are out of style, or in style, a few of the arrangements in my marriage might lead you to tell me to DTMF. I am also able to scroll past posts that don’t interest me. You can do the same.
Since this keeps coming up, clearly more of us than just one sanctimonious princess are interested in environmental topics.
Anon
Because people think that anybody doing more than they are is a direct, personal attack on them. It’s exhausting.
Anon
You have your own definition of what being a good person is. Other people have their own. Trying to impose your vision on other people and judging them for not living up to your personal standards is, well, not being a good person.
cbackson
So a couple of things. Yes, there are a lot of posts here that have the feel of performative virtue. It’s also the case, though, that the commenter base here is heavily comprised of women who are deeply time-starved – working high-pressure jobs in fields that are prone to anxiety/depression while simultaneously carrying a lot (maybe even the bulk of) responsibility for raising their children and making family life work and trying to be good community members at the same time. These are women who many cases constantly feel like they’re failing or on the verge of failing at multiple things in life – not quite the mom or friend or spouse they want to be because of career demands, not quite the professional they want to be because of family demands, not as in shape or well-groomed as the culture says they should be, with not quite the retirement savings every website says they should have. Buying convenience is often a way that they can lessen that a bit (ordering groceries, for example), because they can trade money for the time they don’t have.
In that context, these posts can feel like someone saying “here’s another way you’re failing.” And the remedy offered for that failing is typically something more time-intensive – like driving to a bunch of stores on Saturday so you can avoid using Amazon. The fact that it’s coupled with “and if you don’t do this you’re not a good person” can make it feel even more like a kick in the gut.
So are people sometimes more defensive about their personal choices than they really should be? Sure. But there’s a strong background chorus of YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG that a lot of commenters here already feel like they live with, and getting more of it via a post about being a better person through giving up minifridges or whatever is going to set some people off.
anon
+1 million
Cat
Another million here. Thoughtfully put, c
Telco Lady JD
Yet another million. This is so well written. You said exactly what I wanted to say in a much more thoughtful way than I would have.
Anonymous
+ 1. I would have to hire staff to wash baggies for reuse.
Anon
I don’t think the sanctimonious environmentalists are the ones with high-level, high-pressure jobs. They are here a lot, way more than anyone working in a top-level job with real, serious responsibilities could be. I post here in downtimes and there are days (or weeks) I don’t manage to post at all because I’m so busy. I notice the green warriors are here pretty much all day, every day. Maybe they have lackadaisical social-justice focused jobs that allow them that kind of time – all I can say is, must be nice. I think if you are not in a job where you are managing a team and all their myriad issues and balancing that with managing your upper management, watching a departmental budget, traveling for business, doing continuing education/career development, AND trying to have a home/family life AND trying to stay fit/healthy/mentally healthy AND AND AND, you probably don’t get the idea that having a mini-fridge, or shopping from Amazon, isn’t the end of the world. Those folks have all kinds of time (apparently) to constantly audit their own choices and do the most time-consuming thing possible in all circumstances so they can feel virtuous about what good people they are. And they have enough time to audit other people’s choices as well. I will say again: must be nice.
anon
wow, this is dripping with judgement. Seems ironic, since you resent apparently having your choices judged by others. Since a lot of the posters here are anonymous, you don’t actually know whether it’s the same people every day. Maybe more people like to talk about this than you think.
If you don’t want to know how people different from you think (the lackadaisical ones, without real responsibilities, that definitely have no family obligations and don’t try to stay healthy, you know the ones that were spared the hellscape of a job that you were obviously forced into), then maybe find a more exclusive online forum where only top-level people are allowed, or maybe just gap about us in the boardroom.
Anon
“or maybe just gap about us in the boardroom.”
Oh, we totally do, already! But thanks for the suggestion!
anonymous
You know, sometimes people just have slow periods at work. Also, the “green warriors” are a relatively new phenom here. We’ve had much longer visits from our button down shirt fetish friend, the transgender troll, Ellen…but yes, you are very special, you work very hard. Hope you used sustainably sourced wood to build yourself that cross.
Anonymous
Having a high level high pressure job doesn’t make you important. If most corporate jobs disappeared the world would be fine, if most public or social service jobs disappeared people would literally die in some cases. Money and prestige are not a marker of importance. My husband does emergency response and my God the disrespet he received from some corporate people is just baffling. Sure some days he has enough free time to Reddit at work, but when he’s actually working he is saving real-life humans.
Anon
LOL. Where do you think the money comes from for social and public service jobs? Donations from corporations or people who work for corporations, or taxes paid by corporations or people who work for corporations. People who make their living hoovering up tax or donation dollars seem totally disconnected from this idea, so let me be explicit: if there were no “corporate jobs” your job would not exist either. Money to pay people working in government or at nonprofits does not just fall out of the sky. Income, sales, corporate and property taxes pay your salary. For that to be true, someone else has to make money to pay taxes with, that comes from things like manufacturing and selling goods, moving goods from one market to another, leveraging financial instruments, providing professional services, etc. Thanks for playing, though; better luck next time.
Anonymous
Wow Anon, I can not imagine being so self inflated to think I was more important than emergency services.
anonymous
Hoovering up tax or donation dollars? Wow. Pst– people who work in “government” and “public service” jobs pay sales, income, and property taxes. You know that, right? What a gross person you are.
Anon
Must be nice to have the time away from your high pressure job to post here about how anyone who posts here must not have one.
anon
Um Anon, she is like, literally turning the global economy on her own to create ample largess for plebs and moochers in public service positions to hoover up. She’s a job creator!!1 She needs a break!
Mallory
Coincidentally, this TED talk I recently watched addresses some of the conflicting feelings y’all are expressing…the speaker has been studying the psychology of being a ‘good person,’ with some interesting findings:
https://www.ted.com/talks/dolly_chugh_how_to_let_go_of_being_a_good_person_and_become_a_better_person?language=en
Anonymous
OMFG – 1) you are not “doing good things” by being snarky about something you don’t know anything about and 2) can we agree that another example of being performatively woke is coming into a discussion where 2 women are discussing weight loss and then going on a rant about how you’re not going to discuss weight loss with women anymore? (whereas GFYNFM would mean just fucking leaving the room)
Anon
I’m going to assume that’s targeted at me because I’m the poster with the New Year’s resolution to not talk about weight loss. However, I posted that (twice) when we were first asked for resolutions and then again when Senior Attorney asked for updates on resolutions, not in the middle of someone’s comments about their own weight loss. You seem really angry and it might be good to take a break from this site. It’s helped me in the past.
Sarah
Has anyone ever tried on any of the dresses from The Fold? They look beautiful online, and I’m wondering what they’re like in real life.
anon
I have the Arlington jersey dress and it. is. stunning. It fits like it was custom-made for me, and I get tons of compliments whenever I wear it. I’ll definitely be buying more of their dresses in the future.
Anon
Can you share what size you are? I’m on the larger size of their offerings and wondering if it would still fit well.
anon
I’m 5’8″, an hourglass, and typically a size 2 or 4. I ordered the Arlington dress in a 4 and the waist is a tiny bit too big but fits perfectly everywhere else.
Cat
my manager wears them extensively. She has an athletic-thin body type, smaller bust, slight pear shape. Unfortunately I can’t just walk over there and ask her for a sizing analysis vs our typical mall brands here, but I can 100% vouch that the materials look beautiful and expensive in person!
Is it Friday yet?
I’m also athletic-thin, and would say it runs similar to Reiss or Theory size-wise (I’m usually a 2 at Theory and Reiss, and also a 2 at the Fold). I only have dresses from the Fold though, so not sure how the pants run – though I really want some of their suiting too.
anne-on
+1 – very similar to Theory or Reiss sizing-wise. I’d also say you can get away with a slightly smaller size in the jersey dresses or in the a-line dresses if you’re small on the bottom. I hate pants so can’t speak to those, but I’d say the tops are also true to size, however, not cut for those who are more well endowed.
Is it Friday yet?
I have two and they’re amazing. Will definitely buy more in future – lovely fabric, super flattering, just $$$.
Anonymous
I am long-waisted with a straight figure. I kept reading here that The Fold runs longer in the waist and less curvy than other British brands, and was disappointed to find that neither of those things is true. I tried on three different dresses in two sizes. My conclusion is that the brand runs almost a size larger than other British brands, nearly as curvy, and no longer in the waist. I am usually a 2 in US brands and a UK8/US4 in British brands. In The Fold, I had to go down to a UK6/US2.
anne-on
I have a few, and they are pretty true to size for designer/British sizing. I’m a US 4-6 in designer (kate spade/St John/Boss/etc.) and pretty solidly a UK 10. I think you can size down slightly if you’re very very narrow, or in the Jersey dresses. I have a narrow waist/bottom half and can go down to a size 8 in the a-line dresses like the Hampton, but am a 10 in something like the Glenmore or their other sheath styles.
Anonymous
They are great and 100% worth it. They have pretty good sales at the end of the season. Agree they run about the same size as Theory. I wear a 6 in Theory and a 6 (UK 10) in The Fold.
anon
i have one and get tons of compliments. incredibly high quality and nice detailing. I think I ordered an 8, will probably get a 10 next time. I am a 4/6 in BR, Ann Taylor. Only odd thing is that I got a wool dress with polyester lining and the lining smelled SUPER bad about halfway through the day. I was wearing normal deodorant / antiperspirant with normal level of activity (low, since i have a desk job). Little nervous about this happening again.
Anonanonanon
I discussed with a friend recently who loved them but thought the quality wasn’t quite at the $400 price point—she’s had some dresses from BGL that are cheaper ($200-$250) she liked just as much. I can’t comment on size.
Flower Delivery Service
What flower delivery service do you recommend, and does anyone have a code they’d like to share? I need to send flowers to my MIL in PA for her bday tomorrow.
Diana Barry
I use the g**gle and find a highly rated florist near the person, they will be able to deliver.
Housecounsel
I love Calyx & Corolla.
anon
of the online brands, I like farmgirl flowers a lot
lsw
I agree with finding a local florist. Where in PA? I might be able to help.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I feel like I get a better bang for my buck when I call a local florist and order directly from them.
Anon
I’ve always had good luck with proflowers(.com). I tried 1-800-flowers once recently and remembered why I never use them.
EJ
I love UrbanStems. I’ve sent them to my mom several times and she said the flowers were packed/protected very well and were beautiful. You can choose to send with or without a vase. Or if you happen to be in the West Chester, PA area, I recommend Matlack Florist.
Frying Pan help
We’re having a pan dispute in my house- somehow the decent quality non-stick pans we’ve been buying (Calphalon) are getting sticky and chipped very quickly (within a year or so of heavy use). We’re hand washing them and not using metal utensils on them. My husband thinks we just need to replace them “every five years or so” even though they are getting unusable much more quickly than that. I think we need to move to stainless steel or something that will actually last, and just use more oil or butter to achieve non-stick when frying eggs and stuff. The problem is my husband does most of the cooking on the pans so I’m not sure what exactly he is doing to ruin them so quickly, or if I just let it go and buy new pans a lot since he’s the one using them the most (but it feels so wasteful!). He’s proposing Circulon non-stick, which aren’t super cheap, and I’m just hesitant to buy them if they’re going to be ruined immediately. Thoughts? Pan suggestions?
anon
He might also be heating them super high, that’s another common mistake.
You could compromise and buy a non stick and a steel one. Ideally, he’d do some research himself into cast iron and then get all nerdy about the right way to treat cast iron and develop that pride of owning a cast iron skillet.
Anon
What is it with men cooking at way too high heat?? I’ve had not one but two exes Earp and ruin pans doing this.
Anon
Oh my gosh, cast iron!! <3 It's amazing. We got one, then another, then another…and now we hardly cook with anything else.
Cat
I always heard that nonstick pans are known to have a shorter lifespan — that coating won’t last forever. We get standard-issue Calphalon (sp?) pans from BB&B and they last 4-5 years being used 1x or 2x per week. So if you’re a heavy user I’d expect to need a new one every year or so.
Texan In Exile
All Clad. It’s great. You can find it used on eBay. They also have great factory sales. I think you can find the sale prices online. Our friends in Pittsburgh went to the factory (in western PA) for us and got our 5-quart pot, which I use all the time and is still in perfect condition. Well worth the $135.
Saguaro
+1 for All Clad. I am trying to replace all my old pots and pans with All Clad, so I buy them on sale every once in a while. I love them so much. The quality is worth the price.
rosie
We’ve been pretty happy with T Fal nonstick, but I think 5 years may be expecting too much. In addition to hand washing, nonstick should not be used super hot, and be sure to use non-metal utensils on them.
If you go the stainless route, one tip I’ve had success with is to make sure the pan is nice and hot before you add the fat to help reduce sticking.
Anonymous
Can you talk him into cast iron? They should last for generations. And provide resistance training.
Digby
I have some Calphalon that has a lifetime warranty – not sure if it all does. I’ve sent pans back after years of use, and gotten replacements – you might want to see if that’s an option. Or, America’s Test Kitchen redid their skillet ratings recently and recommended the Oxo non-stick skillet for about $40.
Bewitched
Plus one. I sent my Calphalon back and got a brand new replacement! PS: you are not supposed to use non-stick spray in them. Oil or butter, but not Pam
Anonymous
If you’re really tired of replacing, I can’t say enough good things about my Le Creuset pans.
Senior Attorney
I am totally doing Le Crueset when my current nonstick pans wear out. I have two of their Dutch ovens and love them.
Anon
Do you guys mean just regular enameled Le Creuset? Because they’re definitely not nonstick.
Senior Attorney
Maybe not but they’re so easy to clean it doesn’t really matter.
Anonymous
What Senior Attorney said. I don’t care if they aren’t non-stick bc cleaning is so easy.
Miss
They’re more nonstick than my all-clad pans. Enameled cast iron pans are my favorite and I use them for most things.
Anonymous
I have all clad stainless pans, but a cheap $20 calphalon nonstick pan from I think Target. I’ve had it for over 5 years and I am not gentle with it. I don’t use metal, but it goes in the DW and is regularly used on what isn’t probably a too-high setting.
I am a self aware abuser of kitchen stuff (I put everything in the DW: our good knives, China, Tupperware, wooden spoons, you name it. It horrified my MIL.) so if my pan has lasted, I’d be VERY skeptical about the pan you have.
How is it getting ruined? Is the nonstick flaking off?
Telco Lady JD
Just replying here to say that I, too, am a self aware abuser of kitchen stuff. If it can’t go in the dishwasher…I don’t want it.
SC
Pans with a non-stick coating do have a shorter life span, and every 5 years or so sounds about right in my experience. One year seems too short. If your husband is doing most of the household cooking in the non-stick pans, he may be doing something to mess up the coating (heat and acid are the most likely culprits).
My advice on pans is always, Don’t buy a set. We have one nonstick pan, basically for eggs. We’ve been through a few brands, and we just bought a new Calphalon on sale. A cast iron pan is better for searing/high heat without having to use too much butter or oil. Stainless steel (ideally, tri-ply) is better for anything acidic. Stainless steel pots are great. Enameled cast iron is great, but heat should be kept at medium or lower.
I’ve been listening to Christopher Kimball’s Milk Street podcast, and he recommends carbon steel (properly seasoned) for a non-stick pan good for eggs, etc. Apparently, a carbon steel pan is about $20. I haven’t tried this, but it seems worth a try.
Anon
Do you have very hard water? We noticed a drastic difference in our nonstick pans when we got an inline water filter.
anon
Calphalon nonstick pans don’t hold up for me and I’ve stopped buying them. My cheap T-fals have been going strong for YEARS.
When you truly need a nonstick pan, stainless steel is a freaking nightmare.
Anon
You shouldn’t be using non-stick for everything– like others have said, if it is heated too much then the coating breaks down. We have ScanPan non-stick pans that have held up for four years so far. I use them really frequently, but mostly for things like eggs, wilting greens/mushrooms, etc. I have All-Clad pans for all other sauteing and a Le Creuset braising pan. I also have a cast-iron skillet if I’m cooking something in the oven, etc.
Anonymous
Do you stack the pans to store them? We drastically cut down on chips by putting a dishcloth or even a double layer of paper towels between the pans when stacking them.
Five years is still too much to expect out of a nonstick pan.
Senior Attorney
Paper plates are also good for putting between the pans.
Anon
I only use non-stick for eggs. So I buy a small (8″ or less) non stick pan every once in a while – more often than 5 years but not annually – and just plan on its obsolescence.
The real thing is to learn how to cook on regular, non-teflon pans. For instance, I would never cook anything I wanted browned in a non stick pan. I prefer enameled cast iron for anything I want browned (learn to gently pre-heat the pan, do not try to turn the item until it has formed a brown crust and releases itself) and All Clad stainless steel for anything I want to boil – pasta, risotto, etc.
Anon
I’m genuinely not trying to be the sanctimonious environmentalist here, but…a little research into the environmental persistence (how long Teflon floats around, including inside our bodies) might sway you towards stainless steel for more reasons. (And, I find my cuisinart pans waaaay easier than any non-stick).
Mallory
Like others have mentioned, in addition to treating nonstick with care and on lower heat (which you’re already doing!) I think the best solution is to have different kinds of pans for different tasks. You can use other kinds of pans (stainless, cast iron, anodized aluminum, take your pick) for most things, and just reserve your nonstick pans for the delicate stuff – eggs, some fish, etc. That way, your nonstick pans gets less wear and last longer. The great thing is that there are many non-teflon options out there now if you want to avoid that as well.
SC
Another thought–does your husband use aerosolized cooking spray (Pam, etc) on the pans? Calphalon’s website says not to use that, and just wipe a little olive oil or butter on the pans.
The Fold
I am on their mailing list. Their clothes look lovely. I really like to try things on. I’m 5-4 and have a very short torso and am pear-shaped. I see very little room for error in these clothes. They are aspirational and lovely. But if I were going to spend $ on clothes, I’m almost tempted to go into a boutique to figure out my St. John size and then comb local consignment stores, in part b/c St. John is stretchy and does a lot of dress + jacket combos. And the people I know who wear St. John tend to be my height, so I feel like it ought to work.
[In the meantime, while I wore a suit yesterday, today I wore an outfit so casual and mediocre that I would not have worn it in high school. This may be the one redeeming feature of BigLaw.]
Shirtless
Looking for flat-front, short sleeved blouses to wear under a blazer. Don’t like to spend a lot on these because I burn through even “high quality” clothing items!
Who’s got sub-30 options? :)
BabyAssociate
Search for the “drape crew neck t-shirt” on Uniqlo. Highly recommend.
Anon.
I have a few of them and agree.
Panda Bear
More than you want to spend ($50) but might hit the mark: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-cap-sleeve-blouse-regular-petite/5099311/full?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FHalogen&color=green%20parakeet
pugsnbourbon
Oh those are really pretty!
PolyD
I’m not going to link, but I’ve gotten some tops I like very much from Ann Taylor Factory (they have a website if there’s no store near you). Cheaper than regular Ann, usually, and the quality is about the same.
Vicky Austin
Oooh, love this pick. I was just realizing this morning how none of my dresses have sleeves (?!). Where else have y’all found sleeved work dresses you like?
Anon
Following. These winters are harsh, sleeved dresses help!
Anon
Boden.
Abby
I’m no help because all of mine are sleeveless too!
Anonymous
I have one from Of Mercer that feels like wearing pajamas. I think it’s the Cornelia. The fabric is pretty thin though, so I still end up laying heat tech underneath.
Anonymous
J.crew has had several sleeved dresses (regular and factory) over the last year or two.
Digby
J McLaughlin. They have a lot of prints/colors that skew less business, but they usually have a few reasonable options each year. Plus, once you know your size, there are options on eBay and Poshmark.
AFT
Boden (ottoman dresses) and MMLF
Housecounsel
I have a bunch of Boden dresses with long sleeves.
Texan In Exile
When I run for office, it is going to be on a platform that includes sleeves and pockets in women’s clothes.
(And potty parity.)
Ribena
I’ve had a couple of dresses with sleeves in my stitch fix boxes – one from Warehouse (which is almost too short to be acceptable) and one from Mauvette, an in-house brand of theirs. Otherwise Boden and Hobbs as usual.
Anon
Boden
anne-on
Pretty much all the usual British brands have them. Hobbs is a favorite, as is LK Bennet. Brooks Brothers almost always has a few as does Donna Karan NY. Hobbs is also having a MASSIVE sale at the moment.
NYC Girl
+1 to Hobbs. Also DVF wrap dresses.
joan wilder
Talbots, actually.
Jules
Old Navy makes its ponte sheath dress in sleeved, or at least 3/4-sleeved, versions.
Natural Deodorant
I’m trying to make the switch to natural deodorant from antiperspirant and it’s terrible – have you made the switch? How do you adjust? And if you haven’t then please tell me your justification because nothing would make me happier than to go back to my aluminum pore-clogging gel deodorant that actually works.
Anonymous
Why are you switching? I had a long talk with my oncologist about the link between aluminum and breast cancer (which I have) and the long and short of it is that there is no link. So if that’s your reasoning, keep using what you like.
Anon
Your oncologist is likely not a researcher into aluminum and breast cancer so that’s not a trump card. People are also concerned about fragrance, parabens, and other common deodorant and cosmetic ingredients. None are tested for safety in the US and it’s very, very reasonable to avoid certain products when alternatives are available.
That being said, the alternatives didn’t work for me and I had to go back to the toxic stuff. I tried 10 brands or so before calling it quits.
Anonymous
Gee, thanks for calling out my doctor while I’m in treatment. It is indeed reasonable to avoid all sorts of different products and chemicals, I’m just telling you that an oncologist at one of the top universities and research hospitals in the country says there’s not been any link found. Don’t trust all the influencers out there.
Anon
I didn’t call out your doctor. I’m sure she’s highly qualified and I wish you the best with your treatment. Breast cancer runs in my family and I know how serious it is. However, most physicians aren’t also epidemiological or clinical researchers. If yours is a leading research expert on aluminum and breast cancer, then correct me.
Anonymous
Even if she’s not the leading researcher on it, she has access to way more information than the hacks on the internet and actually can read and digest it.
All I’m saying to the OP is I’ve been told by my oncologist that I did not get breast cancer from using Secret for years and that I am not making my treatment less successful by continuing to use it now that I am in forced menopause. My life is bad enough as it is right now. Just shove off.
anon
But seriously, trials by clinical researchers have not proven a link.
Anon
This is like the antivaxxer mom argument that they have done more research in a few hours on the internet than scientific researchers have done in decades of actual study. Ignore this person and move on.
Anon
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27755864
It’s not cut and dry. More research is needed and nothing has been proven safe.
Anon
Anon at 11:43 – just because something hasn’t been proven safe doesn’t mean it is unsafe. And lots of us engage in many, many activities every day that have been proven unsafe, such as driving, seating at our desks for 8+ hours, etc.
anon
yeah, if you really think about it, it’s much harder to prove safety than harm. They do a study and show no harm within a certain time and intensity of exposure. Of course there is always the possibility that there would be harm observable after longer or more intense exposure. It’s fundamentally impossible to get all possible scenarios. With proven harm, it’s much easier. You observe harmful effects, and bam you have a verdict.
anon
I looked at this link. It concludes that the available studies have not shown any link between deodorants and breast cancer, and concedes that there aren’t many rigorous studies, so more data are needed. The American Cancer Society will tell you that no connection has been found.
Housecounsel
I will take the risk – although I don’t believe there is any of significance – and use my Secret Clinical.
Cat
+1, I am going to die eventually, and I’m willing to bet that my deodorant will not be the reason.
anonymous
That’s where I’m at.
Senior Attorney
Right? At this point I’m more worried about outliving my 401(K) than I am about my deodorant killing me.
Anon
+1. .. my diet coke habit is clearly going to kill me first
Anon
My favorite deodorant of all time is Old Spice High Endurance. No aluminum but works like charm. Not “natural” and you smell manly.
Yup
I switched to Real Purity from name brand antip. I had health concerns. But it turns out the real benefit for me is that I don’t ruin the armpits of my shirts with that white gunky buildup anymore.
Telco Lady JD
So…I’m a die-hard Secret Clinical user…. BUT… in the midst of IVF was told to drop it. So I tried a bunch of aluminum free more natural deodorants and found this one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00GFU77QO/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
(Arm & Hammer Essentials)
It’s clear, which is a must for me. And it works pretty well. I’m not a super sweater or anything…but for normal day-to-day use, it works.
Anon.
I just caved and bought Lume brand unscented. I’ve been using deodorant creams (Arrid, but it’s hard to get, and Tussy’s – both contain aluminium, but work).
I’m impressed with Lume so far. I still have to test it with a full workout, but with normal every day stress at work and synthetic fabrics, it seems to work!
Anon
Didn’t you just ask this question? If you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep using it. But what is it that you mean by “natural”? Just no anti-perspirant? I made the switch quite easily because anti-perspiring makes me sweat a lot more.
Anon
And I use either Arm & Hammer or Tom’s of Maine
rosie
I like the Yes to Charcoal deodorants, I have both lavender & tea tree ones. They seem to do the job and they go on smooth. I am not super paranoid about the aluminum but if I can avoid, I will. I am pretty sensitive to scents and really don’t like a lot of the baby powder and cucumber and other really strong scents. I suspect when summer comes in DC, I’ll go back to conventional deodorant for a while (the dove with the pink top is what I used to use and it’s fine, although the scent and feel are such that I always wash it off before bed, whereas I don’t get that same ick factor from the Yes to Charcoal). I tried to do the natural baking soda deodorants and ouch, very irritating.
Mallory
Not a ‘natural’ brand per se…but I use the Arm & Hammer deodorants. They’re aluminum free and work great on my sensitive pits.
lydia
try Megababe… the original (rosy pits ) scent is my fave, but they have others. they also have an armpit mask to prep your armits during the switch… I haven’t tried it but it might help smooth the transition?
Anonymous
Lume really works for me! Its the only natural one that has ever worked.
Anon
I can tell you about my own experience and maybe there’s something there you might like to adopt.
I drastically cut down my use of antiperspirant and deodorant by the following means:
– I almost entirely wear cotton near my skin or at the very least underarm area. Today I am wearing a sleeveless polyester dress but layered a 100% cotton long sleeved top under it. I notice I get more smelly if I wear polyester tops.
– Shower twice a day if needed (always in the morning, once more at night if needed) to wash away bacteria and smells
– If exercising, find a way to shower right after. e.g. I delay my morning shower until after yoga; if I do a late in the day gym visit then I shower right after and don’t apply any deo after my shower.
– If I know I’m going to have a particularly long and stressful day (sweat more) then I use deodorant, and yes I go ahead and use the Dove one with bad chemicals.
– I avoid certain foods if they make me more smelly (e.g. pizza with whole garlic cloves, in my cafeteria at lunchtime)
Hazel
I’m getting married this June in a small restaurant-terrace ceremony, wearing a champagne gold lace gown. I’m still on the hunt for shoes — I’d like something with at least 3 inch heel but comfortable and re-wearable. I was originally thinking gold or nude, but now kind of intrigued by the idea of blue. I need to be able to get the shoes in Canada. Any recommendations?
The original Scarlett
I’m going to sound like a blogger influencer, but I love the Sara Flint perfect sandal 100s for this (or anything where I’ve got to stand a lot in a heel), they come in gold and silver (which id personally do over blue, I went through a blue shoe phase when I was getting married, and they never looked right, a little too imitation SATC)
The original Scarlett
Here’s a link
https://www.sarahflint.com/products/perfect-sandal-100-silvery-gold-nappa
Not sure about the Canada angle
Hazel
Oh, those are pretty! Should’ve mentioned that I’m hoping for something under US$250, but may need to come back to those if I can’t find alternates…
Another anonymous judge
I have the Naturalizer Dianna and they are super comfortable – they only seem to be available in limited sizes online, though. I know people who swear by the Anna pump which comes in gold but I can’t make it work for me (I think it is just 3 inches). I’ll say from experience you can get almost anything online in Canada if you are willing to pay through the nose for shipping using a US shipping address company like MyUS dot com. Might be worth it for wedding shoes you really love.
If there is a DSW near you there might be some pretty and comfy Nina shoes in the section of the store they have for wedding/prom/whatever.
Congratulations on your wedding! Your gown sounds lovely.
Anon
Did you check the Bay?
Hazel
Yep, but found the in-person selection pretty lacking and honestly got overwhelmed with options on the website. Maybe I’ll ask one of my sisters or friends to help with curating.
Anonymous
This may be too Texas for you, but I love, love, love my Frye Deborah boots and they come in a blinged-out studded-with-gold-studs version. And they are comfy.
OTOH, with a gold lace dress, I might go with something like the Sam Edelman Hazel pumps in suede. They have a ton of colors.
anon
When I was getting married a few years ago, this kind of shoe was featured in some of those wedding writeups in blogs and magazines:
https://www.lordandtaylor.com/nina-contesa-open-toe-satin-dorsay/product/0500087601150?site_refer=CSE_GGLPLA:Womens_Shoes:Nina&CSE_CID=G_LT_PLA_Women%27s+Shoes:Pumps+%26+Heels&gclid=CjwKCAiAyeTxBRBvEiwAuM8dnTGdTJkb4Hvbpka-hty93WveikwAinfxYvgd-HCSlEoPMixMkq2cChoCFMoQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Clementine
I love Butter brand shoes for this. I personally got a pair of teal shoes for my wedding and love them. I still wear them for special occasions (like my anniversary) and love the pictures where you can see the color peeking out.
NOLA
Oh my gosh, a few years ago, I tried on a pair of gold glitter Butter pumps and decided that, if I ever got married again, I would buy them!
Never too many shoes...
Wow, they have some really stunningly beautiful shoes.
Anonymous
I wore these Rachel Simpson ones and they were quite comfortable all day. I wanted every pair of shoes she made.
https://rachelsimpsonshoes.co.uk/collections/peep-toe/products/isabelle-porcelain-white-shoes
NOLA
I would look at Badgley Mischka Olga, Charles David Violate (I know that the poof on the front wouldn’t be for everyone), or Naturalizer Alyssa, or Betsey Johnson Iris. Not including links because I don’t know where you could buy from.
Alanna of Trebond
Kate Spade Charm Heels. Buy them on poshmark. I wore them for my wedding and they are my go-to formal sparkly shoes.
MissK
Loeffler Randall’s Camellia Knot Mule is a gorgeous statement sandal – they have it in different colors – perhaps the gold or pale rose would work with your dress. I’ve been eying them for a year!
pity party
Looking for support. I was blindsided this weekend when my SO dumped me. I just moved to his town so that we could finally be together after 5 years of long distance (2 years of dating in college before that). We had talked about marriage but didn’t want to be engaged while long distance, so I was expecting a proposal soon, not this. I called in sick to work yesterday to wallow, but I’m having trouble just getting through each hour. He said that after spending more time together compared to when we were farther apart, he realized that he just couldn’t see how I would fit into his family (they also live in this town) and that we had different values in life. Leaving this town isn’t an option for at least another 2-3 years. I promise I’m not a troll, but I just feel so heartbroken and have no support system here and all my friends back home have kids/other big obligations that make me feel guilty calling just to have some company. This was my first relationship (I was very nerdy in high school, and no one was really interested in me), and I feel at a loss of what to do, or how to help myself heal.
Housecounsel
I am so sorry. I know it doesn’t help at all now, but I think you dodged a bullet. Wouldn’t fit into his family? That tells you a lot about his priorities. I would encourage you to reach out to your friends and family. Ask them to come visit you – do NOT feel guilty. I have kids and a job but if a heartbroken friend called me I’d try very hard to get to her. Throwing myself into work helped, too. I wish you the best. Internet stranger hugs to you.
Anon
Agreed that you dodged a bullet. This sounds exceptionally painful, but this guy would clearly not be a good spouse to you. I’m so pissed on your behalf! I can’t believe he broke up with you after you moved.
If you really can’t leave the town, I agree that you need to straight up ask your friends to visit. Take vacation and go visit your friends/family. I would also make getting out of that town my number one priority if it is at all possible, even if you take a hit financially or career wise. If I had a friend in your situation, I would absolutely let her crash with me for a month or two to get back on her feet. And I say this as someone with a demanding job and little kids.
pity party
You’re right. I wish he had had enough maturity to break up with me before I moved to be with him. We saw each other every few weeks when we were long distance, so it’s not as if he didn’t know my lifestyle and how I live my life. Right now, I feel sad to lose someone I love very much and angry at what that means for my life forward. I was looking forward to settling down after moving every 2-3 years.
Anon
I’m so sorry, that’s horrible. Why is leaving that town not an option?
pity party
I’m doing a part-time graduate program while working. I’m hoping to accelerate it and graduate early, but classes are in person after work, not online.
Coach Laura
If you are part time and have only done 2-3 semesters worth of grad classes, see if you can transfer. Ask your advisor for help. Some grad schools accept transfers. Losing a few credits, if worse comes to worse, may be worth it to you to get out of town, literally, earlier. Good luck and sorry for your idiot boyfriend’s bad actions.
Ellen
Yes. Agreed. Boyfreind who is an idiot should be put out to pasture. Best to be single if all we have is some schlub with a limp member who justs wants drinking and bad s-x, like my ex. FOOEY on all of that!
Anon
I’m sorry. Hugs from an internet stranger if you want them. This both sucks mightily and is something that you will get through. Because you’re awesome.
Here’s something silly that might be a little bit cathartic: http://www.elpasozoo.org/experiences/quit-bugging-me
Quail
That was a really, really crummy thing of your ex to do. I don’t really have any advice, but as someone who might be a “friend back home” with kids who you feel guilty calling – do NOT feel guilty. That’s what friends are for. Sure, I might have to call you back after getting my spouse to take over bedtime if you call in the middle of that chaos, but I would want you to call me. Hugs.
Anon
+1
potato
+2. Kids mean less immediate availability, not that they don’t care about you.
anon
I am so sorry; this sounds like a very painful situation. Please reach out to your friends! This is a big deal, and I promise they want to be there for you, even if they have kids and other obligations!
Take some time to heal before making any big decisions, like moving again, taking a new job, etc.
(In the long run, I think you’ve dodged a bullet. Issues with in-laws can sour an otherwise good relationship, and it doesn’t sounds like your SO would’ve had your back. Trust me, you don’t want to be in that marriage.)
anon
Personally, I would call on the troops. Old friends, new friends, family, whomever you can stand being around right now. Schedule a week off sometime soon to go visit your home town (or college town, or a friend’s town). Spend time with anyone who you’ve met in the new city – going out, staying in, drinking wine, manicures, whatever.
Speaking as a friend who is married with kids, please call! I can totally make time for you! After my kids go to bed, I will crawl into a bath with some wine and chat on the phone for hours with friends, no joke. Your friends love you and want to support you – let them.
Anonymous
Please call your friends back home. I found out about a formerly dear friend’s bitter divorce secondhand. Friend was a groomsman in my wedding (good friends with both me and DH, in college and after; husband was in his wedding!) and I found out after his wife had left him for someone else and he put his house on the market. He “didn’t want to bother” me or DH because we have a pack of kids and crazy lives, but I 100% would have dropped everything. When I found out, the first thing DH and I did was figure out who could zip down to his city for a weekend and who would stay home with the kids.
Anon
I am so sorry this happened.
If you were my friend, I would want you to call me and I would probably rearrange whatever I could so we could get together, or I could at least spend lots of time with you on the phone. Please call your friends.
Big hugs.
lsw
This sucks and I would have taken the day off too! Hang in there and lean on your friends. I agree with Anon at 11:03 – if I was your friend I would be glad to help!
pugsnbourbon
Co-signing all this – your ex is a turd, your friends love you and will want to support you, and you will make it through this.
anon
I have been the friend back home. My friend got into a super super ill advised relationship (on a side note stopped talking to me and our other friends for a while) and when she got out of it came to live with me for a month or so until she got everything figured out. That was 10 years ago and was a really bonding moment in our friendship. I was so, so happy that she reached out to me and that I could help her, and even though it was a really bad time for her, we remember that time in our friendship really fondly.
You should reach out to your friends. I generally think that most people have so many good things in their lives that they could have if they just let themselves.
Senior Attorney
OMG so sorry to hear this! Agree you dodged a bullet, agree you definitely should call your friends.
Also: The only way out is through, and one year from now things will be SO MUCH BETTER.
Big hugs and on the off chance you’re in So Cal, I would love to buy you a drink tonight after work.
Jules
We’re all sending you hugs. And echoing Senior Attorney, if you post where you are a fellow ‘rette might be there too and can buy you a drink, or an ice cream, or whatever and give you some in-person support.
a
wow this is a terrible thing for your ex to do. you will look back and be so happy you didnt marry this guy.
Nan
I’m so so sorry, that’s horrible.
+1000 to call your friends! (Or text if that’s more your thing – I’m horrible at calling.) I’m honestly hurt when friends don’t reach out about big things like this. If I was your friend, I would want to be able to support you and help you through this horrible situation, no matter what else I personally may have going on.
Keep posting here too. I know it’s not enough but virtual support helps sometimes too.
pity party
Thank you everyone. I’m in a small town on the east coast, but thank you for the kind offer, SA and Jules.
I texted my friends and just got off the phone with one, another is going to call me tonight after work. My ex was going to proofread a paper for me that’s due tomorrow and my sister said she would help me with edits instead. If anyone has any movie recs/ice cream flavors to try (or cold weather alternatives)/suggestions for post break up self care, I would appreciate them. I thought I was going to marry him and instead I’m now trying to take care of myself in a town I never would’ve moved to otherwise.
Anon
One day at a time. In hard times, sometimes I schedule lunch hour calls with a friend – can be more predictable for people, especially they have kids. Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food is my recommendation, along with any dumb sports movie you can find!
Anonymous
Can you give us an area in a state? I am east coast and would love to take you out for a drink! Very sorry to hear this.
busybee
WHY is the Eliza J model clearly wearing a dress that’s too tight? It is visibly pulling on the back and across the thighs. I would like to know what stylist/marketing person thought that would be a good look and make people want to buy that.
World is Crashing
DH and I have been together since college and married for several years, no kids yet but planning to try soon ish. Out of the blue, he recently told me he’s questioning our marriage and is working through his issues them with his therapist. He’s never been with anyone else and he doesn’t know anything but us. So, questions. Apparently. He’s not ready to go to couples therapy because he doesn’t know what he wants.
Ladies, I’m really struggling. I started seeing a therapist, have talked with my bff, and am trying to take care of myself (meditation, etc). I don’t know what I’m looking for here, but you all are such a great resource – has this happened to anyone else (and can tell me a happy ending…)? Anyone get divorced in their early thirties and make it through the hurt to the other side? I go from planning to have kids soon to potentially getting a divorce… I feel so lost.
NOLA
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. A therapist for you is definitely the right thing. I was blindsided as well, after 9 years of marriage, but in my early 40s. Despite the fact that he is a therapist, he wouldn’t go to couples therapy. After consulting with a couple of his therapist friends, he decided that he was just done. He had also met someone else who was apparently more adoring of him than I was. Honestly, I was well shed of him. I’ve had a much better life than the struggle I was in in that marriage. I didn’t realize how smothered I felt or how stressed I was until I was out of it. It has definitely made me rethink how I want to spend time with a significant other in a relationship. I totally need my alone time and my own interests and activities. And I need someone who is happy with themselves and not constantly comparing their successes, etc. against mine.
Anony
The older I get, the more I feel that exact way. BF and I have been together 8 years and I’m struggling because I feel like I’ve been losing myself along the way.
OP – *hugs* you have to decide what YOU want.
Anonymous
Start taking back your power. Tell him he’s thrown a bomb into your life, and either you’re booking couple’s therapy tomorrow or he is moving out and he can figure his stuff out somewhere else. Many many people have done this and let me assure you being single is better than being with a man who doesn’t love you.
Anon
>being single is better than being with a man who doesn’t love you
This times a million.
Even worse is man who says maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn’t, he’s not sure, and strings you along.
Go live your own life!
Monday
+1. This happened to me at 34. In retrospect, I see that my ex-husband only finally agreed to go to counseling with me after he had already decided he was done–just so he could say that he did it. (I hear this is pretty common.) If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself the time and the pain. Don’t bother dragging him to counseling if he doesn’t even care enough to give it a good faith try. Just tell him to move out so you can start working toward peace on your own.
I’m so sorry. It was an awful time in my life, I can’t sugarcoat that. Keep taking care of yourself, and keep that absolutely your first priority. My “happy ending” is that I am rid of a spouse who insulted and gaslit me to assuage his guilt about bailing on our marriage. He’s not a bad person, but he’s a weak person who never had my back and had no business being my next of kin. (We don’t even speak now, which is my decision.) Being single is so, so much better. I’m seeing someone amazing now, but even for years before that I was grateful to have let my ex go.
Equestrian Attorney
Co-sign all of this (recently divorced my college boyfriend after a 10 year relationship, one month shy of turning 30). It was really, really hard but now I feel so much lighter, more free and more myself. In hindsight, I should have left sooner and spared myself the pain of couples therapy which usually left me in tears and wondering why I wasn’t a good enough wife (spoiler alert: I was fine. We just had grown in very different directions and he was being a jerk about it). I met someone new recently and it has been so wonderful. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
Senior Attorney
OMG so much this. You shouldn’t ever have to convince somebody to love you and/or stay with you. And yes, the worst worst worst worst WORST thing is the indecision. I have been divorced twice, and both times it was from people who didn’t have the courage to break up with me so they tortured me until I broke up with them. Kick him out, or move out yourself, and don’t look back.
My happy ending is that Mr. Senior Attorney #3 is the very best man in the whole wide world. But even before he came along, I was happier between marriages than I ever was in mad marriages.
It’s going to be hard for a good amount of time but life on the other side is amazing.
Senior Attorney
Bad marriages, not mad marriages. Although there was lots of madness.
Ellen
You are lucky to have found 3 men that you got along with at least long enough to have a relationship with s-x. And you are on #3 now, and it sounds like he is a keeper! Many of us have failed to attract even one guy who fits what we need, emotionally, physically, s-xueally, etc. If I could find only 1 guy who meets my criteria, I would marry him in a flash and give up my professional career, but I know deep down that I will NOT settle, and the best men are already attached, and I would not want to take them away from their existing women. Why does it have to be this hard? FOOEY!
Anon
You get to decide what you want too. It might be to stay married, but it might not be. His refusal to go to counseling is a big red flag to me. I got divorced in my mid-30s, about three years after my SO told me they weren’t sure about our marriage. Spending three years waiting for the other shoe to drop was much worse than being single again.
Anon
Yes I’ve been there, was the same age too. I got a therapist immediately and leaned hard on friends, who were so amazing and supportive. I would say listen hard to him and if he says he does not want to be married do not waste time being with someone who doesn’t want to be married. One of the things that was hardest for me was we also were about to try for kids and I really had to grieve that loss. Everyone told me at least you didn’t have kids (they were right!) but it was not comforting in the moment. Take the best care you can of yourself. There is much better for you on the other side of this!
cbackson
Divorced at 30 with a similar out-of-the-blue declaration from my ex. It was awful but honestly I would *never* have had the happy life I ended up with if we had stayed together. At 39, I’m engaged and expecting a baby, and I had a ton of great, fun adventurous years in my 30s I absolutely wouldn’t have had with him, as well as an amazing career. If that’s where you end up, it’ll be hard but you *will* be better off.
Anon
Sorry if this is weird, cbackson, but I still squee so hard when I think about you getting engaged and having a baby. I have read here for a long time and remember when you went through your divorce and how hard it was for you; it’s so awesome that you are giving back to folks here going through tough journeys of their own. I am so happy for you and wish you nothing but all the wonderful things. <3
MJ
Cosign. All the best to you cbackson. Partner-momma-to-be-rockstar extraordinaire. You’ve been a lovely inspiration all these years, and I really admired how you came through the other side and offered great encouragement to others.
cbackson
Aw, thank you very much! It’s been a super long road since I sat in my living room on the other side of the US typing a post here about how my husband had just left. This community was incredibly supportive of me and even if I’m less active here now, I’ll always be grateful for it.
OP
OP here- thank you all for the support. One of the hardest things had been that I thought we were both happy in our relationship. While things weren’t perfect, I have never once thought that we were anywhere near ever splitting up.
Anonymous
I’ve been in your shoes at 32. Now I’m 35. It was hard letting go of the life I had planned with my ex-husband, especially when I didn’t realize he was so done. I felt I missed things. I tried to investigate, to see what I did wrong. I hope you don’t drive yourself crazy as I did. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. I’m single now but much happier. I have learned a lot about myself, thanks to therapy. Sending you hugs.
DC
If you had 2-3 hours in DC to do anything, see anything, or eat at any restaurant, where would you go?
Angela
Oh man. For restaurants, I’d be torn between getting hot pita bread and chicken shwarma at Zaytinya or Indian food at Rasika.
For stuff to do, I’m a big fan of the National Portrait Gallery. Easy to walk in and out and do as much or as little as you want, and I found it relatively quiet compared to the other big museums in the area.
Or go down to the Wharf and have a coffee and just enjoy being down by the water if it’s a beautiful day.
Telco Lady JD
Agree with the food options above! If you’re into a more “junk food” option, go to Ben’s Chili Bowl for some DC history.
I also love the National Portrait Gallery. Another option? The National Archives. Yes, you can see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, but they also have a lot of other cool stuff! If the weather is nice, you could also go for a walk on the Mall. Start and the Capitol and head towards the Lincoln Memorial.
Daffodil
+1 to all the above food options – Zaytinya and Rasika are amazing, and also close to the Portrait Gallery. From there, you can walk to the Mall. I also like the Library of Congress- really pretty building and never that crowded.
anon
Get a tea and walk around the national mall
Anon
I’d go to Sakuramen. The pork belly there (or at least when I used to live in DC) is the best I’ve ever had.
Panda Bear
It depends on the weather for me… but especially if it is too hot/cold/wet to be outside, I agree with others who mentioned the Library of Congress. It is so beautiful! I also like walking through the botanic garden, and agree that the National Portrait Gallery is a good choice, plus its attached to the National Gallery of Art if you want to see more beautiful pieces. If it’s nice outside, walk the mall. My favorite memorials to visit are FDR and Korean War.
PolyD
Portrait Gallery and Jaleo, just down the street. Although I will concede, if I could get into Rasika, I’d probably go there.
Senior Attorney
If I could get in, I’d do the National Museum of African American History and Culture.
Anonymous
I’m co chairing my law firm’s quarterly women’s initiative meeting this spring. 2-3 hours with light appetizers at the end. We want to do a strategy session for the very real and very crappy biases we deal with in the profession. Currently we’re thinking we will have an experienced female partner spend 5 minutes talking about how she’s gotten sexually harassed in a courtroom, another female partner talk about how she’s gotten mistaken for a paralegal, and another female partner about how to report this Behavior whether it happens inside the firm or outside the firm. Then we will take a few submitted anonymous examples – mine might be “Client said that he hopes I’m as smart as I am pretty.” And then the panel will suggest responses and action steps (I never come up with these on the spot). Goal is that we all know these things happen, and empower jr associates to report/know It’s not ok. Someone suggested having a self defense presentation, as well, though I’m not sure if it fits.
Suggestions? What could go wrong? What’s gone well at your firm? Should we invite the (male) managing partners?
Diana Barry
Is this an internal meeting or are you inviting outside colleagues/clients?
I would not invite male attendees if you’re talking about sensitive subjects like har*ssment – that would likely have an immediate chilling effect.
Angela
I would agree with the poster above, don’t invite the male managing partners. It gives a definite vibe of checking up on what the little ladies are doing. If anything, if the idea is for the men to show support for the initiative and contents of the presentation, they could give a greeting/introduction at the end and then leave you all to it.
I would also see if there’s a way to focus less on bias in terms of sexual harassment and more on bias in terms of female tendencies versus male tendencies and how they play out in the workplace. For example, the fact that men tend to perceive themselves as qualified to do things with fewer actual qualifications than women do. Or how men focus on self-promoting activities versus women who sometimes think that just quietly doing good work will be enough to get ahead. Or how women sometimes get tasked with ministerial tasks versus men who get more substantive tasks, and how best to navigate that — whether it’s delegating the ministerial work, volunteering for the more substantive tasks before others, and how to even differentiate as a junior associate between what is “good” versus “bad” work.
Cat
I think it would be valuable to discuss signs of more subtle bias. The concrete examples you give above are terrible but I’ve never seen anything that… express. It’s more like – an associate returns from maternity leave and is either (1) thrown into the deep end (so she can prove she’s still working at the necessary intensity of course), or (2) given lower-profile work on the assumption that she’s going to want a 60% schedule soon. Or a culture that assumes everyone has a stay-at-home partner because that’s what the senior men all have (so, unnecessary face time – a lack of trust in working from home as necessary because SOMEONE needs to let the plumber in or whatever).
Anon
Also it’s really easy for the men to agree that those examples are terrible and then turn right around and ignore or perpetuate the more subtle types of bias.
anon
I’ve had all of those happen to me, unfortunately. (Not harassed literally in court, but definitely propositioned by superiors and clients so I think that counts.) That said, I agree that the subtle biases you listed deserve attention, too. It’s easy to agree that propositioning someone or commenting on their appearance is wrong, but the examples you listed are probably more pervasive and can be real career killers. There’s also probably more to be gained by smartly pushing back. Even if all an associate learns to do is recognize it so that she can decide to leave and go elsewhere, you’re giving her something valuable.
Do not invite the men. No self defense presentation.
Anonymous
JMHO, but the self defense thing seems like a bad match. A big problem is sometimes recognizing what can be considered harassment and having it taken seriously, so when you combine this sort of focus with managing overt violence I think you risk people dismissing the micro-aggressions experienced day to day.
If I were attending something like this, I’d be most interested in what is reportable and what does reporting look like and helping to weigh pros and cons of reporting. I’d be most interested in hearing from any women that have reported than just another tale of frustration.
Jeffiner
Yes to hearing from women that have reported. HR always says that reporting will be taken seriously, can be anonymous, situation will be dealt with, etc, but how does that work out in reality?
Anonymous
Honestly, I would never go to this event. The only thing BigLaw cares about is $, so I want to go to events that will let me interact directly with clients. I don’t have a lot of time to spend doing things beyond billable work, and if it doesn’t help me in the short run or the long run, I just can’t justify it. Going to a rant session isn’t helpful — no one will ever use official channels b/c we are scared of losing our careers, so encouraging that seems to tone deaf to me. We just leave and go somewhere else.
Anon
Networking with other women at your firm is useful. I went in house and regularly give work to my former women colleagues.
Anonymous
Right — the meeting should be an opportunity to network. I’m not going to go to a venting session.
Anonymous
I feel like it is important to distinguish between gender bias at work and sexual harassment at work. I can’t quite tell from your post which is the actual focus of this meeting. Personally, it should be the responsibility of the firm to control the messaging around sexual harassment and creating a physiologically safe working environment, and all of that content should be approved by HR and senior folks should be in the room to monitor the message. Gender bias is a different topic altogether, and some of the examples below are great suggestions. It seems like this should be the actual focus of the meeting and not harassment. You have to tightly control the conversation to avoid it spinning into a giant complaint session–but talking about legitimate examples of gender bias and (if possible) a commitment to try to move the organization away from those behaviors would make the most sense.
Anonymous
Ummmm what could go wrong? You could be unearthing half a dozen allegations of in firm sexual harassment at once, publicly, all of which need to be investigated and probably reported to your insurance carrier, many of which might show times in the past your firm has failed.
Senior Attorney
Sadly, I agree with this. You could well end up being the president of the Be Careful What You Wish For society.
Anon
Oh okay, so it would be better to not do anything about those times? Got it.
Senior Attorney
No but it would be good to plan for it. The question was literally “what could go wrong?”
Dolce
Someone posted last week about going through chemo and looking into eyebrow stenciling or microblading.
I lost most of my hair due to alopecia last year, including my eyebrows. I was drawing them on, but at my local wig shop, the owner told me about eyebrow wigs. You use fake lash glue to apply them (some have adhesive on them already) and they last forever. I’ve even gone swimming with mine on with no issues. They look much more natural IMO than microblading if you have no hair at all. And I like that I can change colors/eyebrow shapes if I want.
You can get them at most wig specialty stores (especially those that cater to cancer or alopecia patients) or at online wig shops.
Best of luck with your treatment! Sending you good healing wishes.
Coach Laura
Dolce – This is good to know and thanks for commenting.
Anonymous
Which job location would you prefer and why?
Option 1: HQ office in heart of big city, 1 hour car+train commute each way, WFH up to 2x week
Option 2: satellite office in suburbs, 20 minute car commute each way, no WFH
Big city location is more convenient for networking but realistically, I don’t see myself meeting people or attending events more than a handful of times a year. I haven’t had a public transit commute as a working professional and never telecommuted, so I’m uncertain about how to weigh these options.
Angela
Absolutely #2. I am not a fan of how limiting it is to be an hour-plus from home. Getting an hour and a half of your day back to spend how YOU want to is invaluable.
Angela
Also consider — how real is the WFH 2 days per week? Is it, every Monday and Friday you can WFH, no exceptions? Or is it, IF there’s nothing else going on, you can work from home on an ad hoc basis (but there’s always something going on)?
BabyAssociate
#1, but move so the commute is more manageable. If that’s not an option, #2.
Cat
how much does being physically at HQ matter for your role? Is that where most of your company execs work? If you’d be working directly with them… that commute would not be fun but the informal relationships that are built by in-person meetings, running into people in the elevator, sharing part of a walk at lunch before you go different directions to pick up food, etc. can be really valuable.
Things that may mitigate #1’s commute if your career would benefit from HQ:
– Would you be able to use the train ride as work time? At first that might seem odd but once you’re used to catching up on your inbox while riding home, the commute might not feel as burdensome.
– The difference in commuting time, given the WFH option, is ~6 hours (part on train) vs ~3.5 hours (all driving). So it’s really a 2.5 hour difference and since you’ll be on the train, it’s not as much ‘lost time’ as you might think.
– Would you have an allowance to fit out a WFH area? Having a large monitor (or two monitors), real phone, printer, etc. makes WFH much more productive.
The original Scarlett
Depends on your career goals. If you want to advance, HQ all the way, if not, satellite office
Anon
Would the commute be one hour or longer? I personally would take the 1 hour commute 3 days a week instead of the 20 minute one 5 days a week. But this is all personal preference; I like transit commutes because it gives me time to wind down and read something relaxing and I find it helpful to be in a HQ office instead of a satellite.
anon
Option #2, but I know that I’m a person who would hate having commute #1 even three times a week. That will take up a huge chunk of your life.
Anecdotally, last summer I was a finalist for a dream-job scenario — in a location that’s 65 minutes away on a good day. Moving would not have been an option, for various reasons. I didn’t end up getting the job, and in hindsight, I am SO GLAD. Even though I would’ve loved the position, being that far away from my home base would’ve been terrible for my physical and mental well-being.
Anon
#2. My 1.5 hour commute on public transit is killing me. Would never recommend it for vague “networking” benefit.
Anonymous
So…do you have kids? Will you in the future? How real is the WFH? Is it the sort of thing everyone does 2x a week, or a perk in name only and your job requires you to be butt-in-seat?
I, with children, would default to the closer commute. Public transit makes things so much worse. And just because there is no WFH in the JD doesn’t mean you can’t pick up a WFH day here or there. 20 minutes means you can zip home for an afternoon appointment.
If, by chance, you are talking about Boston, I triple the enthusiasm with which I tell you to take the suburban job.
Saguaro
#2, and who knows, maybe you will be eventually able to WFH at #2 job as well.
Anon
What do you think of when you hear that someone looks “preppy”? To me that’s always meant classic, slightly androgynous clothes, like loose khakis and an old fisherman’s sweater, natural hair without a lot of products, short nails, etc, but in the blogosphere, a lot of people seem to have a different definition that’s much more “done” (like daily blowouts) and kind of preppy-trendy, if that makes sense. What does it mean to you? If you have someone in your life you would consider preppy, how does he/she dress?
Dolce
To me, preppy is something that would look at home at a golf course or country club. Bright colors and pastels, chinos, polos, and cardigans
Housecounsel
Agree with Dolce again. I don’t think of preppy as androgynous or un-done. I think Lilly Pulitzer dresses and Jack Rogers sandals and headbands at the country club. For men, I think of khakis and Sperrys and V-neck sweaters with an alligator or guy on a horse.
LaurenB
Northeast Preppy is more androgynous. After all, your big brother Jock can wear grandpa’s hand me down Pringle cashmere sweater then pass it to you when he’s tired of it -you’re just tying it around your shoulders anyway. Southeast Prep is far more gendered.
Anonymous
Yes — I am pretty flat-chested and in the NEUS could basically wear boy’s items, but ended up craving darts or at least some shaping in my polo shirts.
Anon
To me, that sounds very preppy try-hard. Or maybe Instagram has just completely run with it.
AFT
I think preppy is definitely gendered. I would say pretty on women is lilly pulitzer, very coiffed, etc.
Anonymous
OMG there are so many subcultures among the preps. E.g., I live in the SEUS and it’s lots of Lilly Pulitzer and also makeup. But there is also NE prep, which is very different. Skiing preppies vs beach preppies vs golf/tennis preppies. Bohemian preppies.
The Preppy Handbook and True Prep are hysterical and also IMO true.
Anonymous
Lily Pulitzer
Cat
Preppy to me is high quality items that have lasted the test of time. Family heirlooms. Wearing the same Bean Boots for 20 years and you bought them for practical purposes, not because they looked cute with skinny jeans.
Not having Serena & Lily sponsor your entire houseful of furniture or posting 25 different Lilly Pulitzer outfits in the hopes someone will click your links to the After Party Sale. Bloggers love to declare themselves ‘preppy’ but that doesn’t make it so…
Anon
OP here – you read my mind. But the other points about different subcultures are interesting too.
Anonymous
Agree. I think there’s also an element of ease about it – these are clothes you don’t have to think about. Never inappropriate, tailored, not fussy.
anne-on
+1 – I lean HARD into the NE prep aesthetic (plus, well, I live there) and it is just so easy to essentially not think about my clothes much beyond replacing worn out items or adding more of a similar item in a different color. Yes, it limits the stores I shop in/the types of items I buy, but honestly I really don’t care. I’m not a fashionista, I don’t want to be trendy, I just want to look appropriate, put together, and nice without having to think too hard.
Anon
Conservative clothing with a pop of color. Classic sneakers or loafers. Light makeup but usually not zero. Hair can be colored or highlighted.
LaurenB
There are lots of subcultures. New England prep (the true prep as far as I am concerned) is grandma’s old cashmere sweater, plain colors, suitable for activity, well-worn, minimal makeup, a good piece of hand me down jewelry worn everyday with insouciance. Think LLBean ish. Think Kennedys playing touch football on the lawn. Then there is Southern Preppy, which is Lilly, perfectly done up, lots of makeup, bright colors, shiny and new, very “finished.”
Ribena
There’s also the distinction (at least here in the UK) between old money and new money.
Old money prep: your dad’s/ boyfriend’s school cricket sweater
New money prep: a very expensive branded cricket sweater.
That kind of thing. (I somehow grew up to have a chip about the distinction between posh and rich, I’m afraid, maybe it’s a British thing about conspicuous consumption).
Anonymous
Then what does dad wear?
Ribena
He didn’t go to the kind of school that had cricket sweaters or a recognisable name (which is really what the school garments thing is about)! He wears a shirt and sweater generally.
anne-on
+1 – NE prep is very similar to old Jcrew catalogues….or what Duchess Kate wears when she’s out and about. Style is always very ‘classic’ vs ‘trendy’ fit is impeccable, colors are muted, fabrics are top quality, shoes and bags are also high quality (and generally discretely logo’d if at all) and jewelry is minimal but always real and always high quality or VERY obviously ‘fun’ costume jewelry (worn sparingly).
Southern prep is much more ‘done’, though Lily sundresses/Vineyard Vines are popular among both groups in the summer or on vacation (see, grown men in Nantucket Red chinos…).
DCR
+1. This is my view as well. I’m really shocked by people saying that preppy is androgynous, un-done, or easy. I find a good preppy look to be hard to pull off. Everything has to be in good condition, has to fit very well, has to look put together and classic, etc.
Anon
The crucial distinction is that it’s not undone like sloppy – you would never see a NE prep woman wearing stained sweatpants with a complete rat’s nest for hair. It’s “undone” as in having combed hair rather than elaborately coiffed hair, short nails instead of expensive gel manicures, having a worn pair of chinos rather than a brand-new matchy-matchy outfit with nary a wrinkle, wearing lip gloss and mascara but nothing else, etc. Everything fits, everything is classic, but it doesn’t have that “Instagram polish” that so many preppy influencers seem to strive for.
Anon
I totally agree – I clearly got my impressions of preppy from one side of my New England family. It’s all quality hand-me-downs and practical clothing for hobbies and walks in New England weather.
Anon
This fits it to me. I’m from the SEUS and vastly prefer NE prep. Do you follow Jackie Greaney on insta? Even though her photos are obviously staged, they’re beautifully done and there’s a natural, “comfortable in my skin” vibe that really defines NE prep for me. SEUS prep has never in a million years given me a sense that its adherents are comfortable in their skin.
Anonymous
Well said.
anon
I’m in the Midwest, which is a whole different flavor than NE prep or southern prep. For us, preppy would look like:
– Classic, well-made styles — both clothing and footwear. Modern versions are OK, but nothing looks overly trendy.
– Lots of neutral colors, with pops of classic reds, greens, blues.
– Always practical and appropriate for the occasion.
– Hair that’s clean and well cared-for. Makeup that enhances the person’s natural features, but isn’t overly done-up.
– Minimal accessories. You probably would not see a preppy dresser wearing a statement necklace, for example.
Anonymous
There’s a subculture of artsy preppies that turn a lot of that on its preppy head though. And preppies love hot pink, which is only a neutral in . . . India maybe?
Also, lots of preppies and hippies in Birkenstocks — there is a lot of overlap and I can recall that LL Bean at least used to sell Birkenstocks.
Anon
Look at the blog amid privilege for Bay Area prep. I think she nails it.
Senior Attorney
I’m in So Cal and that is not a term we hear much at all. I’d say it brings to mind khakis and polo shirts and Topsiders.
NOLA
When I was in college (south central PA), we had the “girls from Greenwich” who wore jeans and Bean boots and turtlenecks with sweaters with whales or whatever with a matching print on the turtleneck and usually pearls (especially Pi Phis or Kappas). Eeeeeeeek!
Gluten free help
Any thoughts where to get gluten free flatbreads or other bread substitutes for a brunch that one gluten free relative is attending? Trader Joe’s or Costco suggestions are especially welcome. Also, thoughts for easy gluten free casual brunch ideas. (Very casual. I’m thinking egg salad and tuna salad, but welcome other ideas).
SC
I hosted a gluten free relative for brunch on Christmas. We made a casserole with polenta, kale, and prosciutto with baked eggs on top. We used quick-cooking polenta, so it was very easy to make after opening presents and before our guests arrived at 10:30. (We popped it in the oven when they arrived.) It’s a NYT recipe, although we modified it a bit.
Anonymous
Baked oatmeal can be made GF and is easily prepped ahead of time. When I have GF guests, I don’t feel obligated to have every dish be GF. One recent menu went like this:
GF baked oatmeal
French toast casserole
Hash browns
Scrambled eggs
Fruit
The GF person just didn’t have the French toast casserole, and the non-GF people enjoyed the baked oatmeal too.
Telco Lady JD
Glutino English Muffins are great. They’re in the freezer section of most grocery stores. Defrost in the microwave, and then toast in the oven (not in a toaster that has had regular bread in it). You can also get Udi’s gluten free bagels in the freezer section, but they’re not as good of a substitute for the real thing.
You can get Brazi Bites at Costco – they’re like little cheese puffs.
Anonymous
I’d skip the bread substitutes. Severely gluten sensitive folks usually avoid anything like that if they can’t read the label themselves. Just serve salad greens alongside your egg/tuna salads – people can have a salad instead of a sandwich, and the GF person won’t feel singled out.
Anonymous
I’ve been GF for two years. I agree. I’d much rather have a salad. Some of the GF bread options are truly terrible (I personally think the Udi’s bagel is about one of the worst I’ve tried–so dry and not the right texture). I’d much rather just have lettuce with a scoop of egg or tuna salad. Also, not sure if it affects your menu but I think it’s worth noting since it was something I didn’t realize at first until I had gotten sick a few times–not all gluten is in bread. I also need to watch labels on soups, salad dressings and ice cream especially. And it’s not just wheat–for me, barley is also a problem and oats (unless they’re specifically GF).
Anon
Thanks for the reminders! I am always careful to buy GF ingredients when cooking for my relative, who has celiac, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
Anonymous
Every grocery store has gluten-free bread options these days.
Anon
Source: I have been gluten free for 7 years
If you don’t mind cooking, King Arthur Flour makes an excellent GF pancake mix you can use to make pancakes, muffins, or any number of things. There are recipes on their website.
Costco regrettably doesn’t have a lot of GF bread-type things but they do usually have some type of GF sandwich bread (which is not usually anything to get excited about). TJ’s used to have a couple of good GF mixes for muffins and pancakes but I haven’t shopped there in awhile.
Honestly, I would rather go to brunch and have all the other stuff and not have my host worry about getting me GF bread. Most of it is not very good and not worth the calories/carbs. As long as there’s other food (if every single other thing you’re going to serve has gluten in it – that may be an issue), you should be fine.
Ribena
We had a big shakshuka for Christmas Day brunch which was delicious.
Anonymous
Lawyers – what do you say when a new guy asks some variation of “So you must be pretty good at arguing?” I need a lighthearted response.
Relatedly, a friend sent me an e-book, How to Talk to Men, that includes a bunch of scripts. I’ve used its suggestion for how to respond to “Why are you single?” – “I love my life how it is, so if I’m going to have a relationship then it needs to be something really special.” I thought it was kind of hokey, but I’ve gotten really positive responses as compared to my usual (I haven’t met the right person yet).
Angela
Seems like a flirtatious, teasing comment, so I’d respond in kind: “Oh yeah I am, so you better watch out!” But what do I know, I’ve been out the game for awhile.
Worry About Yourself
Not a lawyer, but if I was, and a guy on the first date asked me that, I’d probably wonder if he’s one of those dudes who always needs to debate people on every topic that comes up, playing devil’s advocate and saying terrible things “for the sake of argument,” then when you get frustrated say “hey woah, there’s no need to get all offended here! I just really believe in the importance of a spirited debate every now and then to grow intellectually, and that means playing devil’s advocate sometimes, but if you really can’t defend your opinion, then I don’t know what to tell ya . . . .” and that can be exhausting whether you’re good at arguing or not, so I’d probably respond with “well yes, when I need to do it for work, I can do it really well, but my main arguments come from hours of research and prep work. I don’t really enjoy arguing outside of work for the sake of it.” That would probably shut down any hopes of me becoming his go-to debate partner, or conversely, assumptions that I’m going to be argumentative or “difficult” in my personal relationships.
Probably not the light-hearted response you were hoping for, but I’d see that situation as a time to politely set boundaries and expectations.
Anon
Same here.
Senior Attorney
I’d say “I only argue if I’m on the clock. Life’s too short to argue if I’m not getting paid.”
NOLA
Sounds like my engineer BF who says “I don’t do math for free.”
anonymous
I’m a litigator so I get that a lot, and it’s just my nature. I am also in the south, so I feel like a lot of men who ask that are more likely to be scared of an argumentative lawyer than they are likely to be more argumentative than I am. I say yes, and do a smile/head tilt thing, as if I am so complimented by what they said. Then I say something to the effect of, “but please understand, its more that I enjoy and am good at debate– I like challenging ideas, analyzing issues, the intellectual exercise, blah blah. I don’t like “arguing,” per se. And I certainly do enough of that with opposing counsel, so the last thing I want to do in my personal life is needlessly bicker.”
I’ve found this works– you get to own who you are and that you probably are good at arguing, but also diffuse what is their #1 concern- that you’ll be eager for an argument and will eat them alive. (You might still, but why worry them?) Also I tend to go for intelligent guys who like to debate or at least discuss challenging ideas, which helps. I suss out and drop “debaters” like Worry About Yourself talks about pretty immediately, because those men are awful.
Anonymous
I don’t have much control over the fact that my usual response is to instinctively roll my eyes. Once that’s done, I try to make a lighthearted comment if I think the person who made the comment is well-meaning. If I get a good feel that they are antagonizing me, I usually spin it to make a similar comment about whatever it is they do for a living.
Of course, I’m single and not all that interested in being in a relationship, so maybe don’t take my advice!
anon
Question for lawyers who may know – I was in a car accident (their fault) and got a rental vehicle. The other insurance adjuster doesn’t want to pay for the collision insurance that I purchased through the rental company, if I already carry collision damage on my own person insurance. Can the adjuster just not pay that portion of the expense? Is that legal? If I had a lawyer send him a letter, would the insurance company be more likely to pay the collision coverage for the rental? Thanks.
Anon
What if there’s a collision? You have a deductible, right, so you would be liable for that if you use your own insurance.
Anonymous
I have no idea about the legality of it, but realistically, it is a completely unnecessary coverage to have.
Lily
Shot in the dark – any suggestions for places/events to buy a not-exorbitantly priced oil painting by a local artist in Philly? It looks like there is a fine art fair in April and another one in Rittenhouse in June, but we’d like to start looking sooner than that. We need a large piece for our dining room. Willing to spend up to ~$1.5k. We’re thinking a more abstract painting for this room.
Anon
I don’t live in Philly, but I really think an art fair is your best bet. You can’t wait two months?
Anonymous
+1 or Google galleries and then spend a day on a weekend touring them and looking for something that works?
M
Check out inliquid art. They run “art for the cash poor” which is a show where everything sells for under I think $200. Their list of artists would be a good place to look – they’ll definitely have a lot of pieces in your price range.
R in Boston
Go browse through First Friday galleries – lots open and lots of different styles/price points. I haven’t lived in Philly in a long time, but I think they still do this? Assuming yes, there should be one this week. Also, I don’t remember whether Fleisher Art Memorial has any ways to buy art (student or instructor), but they might be worth a look.
Anonymous
Try looking at the Philly artist members of Tiger Strikes Asteroid. It is a coop gallery, which tend to feature more emerging artists. You would probably need to buy directly from an artist. For something large at that price point, you might have better luck with works on paper than canvas, although framing won’t be cheap.
Anonymous
Try http://www.tonylasalle.com. Large beautiful paintings that make me happy (I have three – two at home and one in the office). Most in your price range. It would be a short trip to his Lambertville, NJ studio. Across the bridge from New Hope, PA…make a trip out to the burbs.Even if you don’t get one of his, you can look at the galleries on both sides of the bridge.
Anonymous
Ideas for ways to boost fiber intake? My daughter is a great eater but has a wonky digestive system and we need to up her fiber intake.
When I did an internet search, I get all kinds of intense recipes. I’m not really looking for 3 bean and lentil soup or complicated “fiber smoothie” recipes, but rather, tips like “X brand of bread is tasty and has more fiber than other brands” or “throw raspberries into a high fiber cereal like ABC.”
Daughter (7) is a great eater, I just need to have more stuff around the house with fiber in it to have as options. She defaults to cheese/yogurt/cracker based snacks and that’s having the opposite effect.
I’ve also bought vitamins for the interim but I’d rather address this with dietary changes as it is going to be a lifelong issue for her.
Anon
Oatmeal a few times a week always works for me. (I can’t eat it daily or anywhere nearing daily).
Lily
Does she like edamame? It’s a fun snack and has a good amount of fiber and protein.
Anonymous
I’ll grab some next time I’m shopping and find out. I’m sure with a good seasoning on top she’d eat it ;-).
Never too many shoes...
I recently tried lupini beans that come in a foil sealed pouch with different flavourings (Brami brand, can get on Amazon) – 5 grams of fibre and 7 grams of protein per serving. Avoids the concerns about soy.
Anonymous
Have snacks ready to go like fruit and veggies already washed and cut (apples, pears, strawberries, broccoli and carrots are all good sources of fiber). My kids always like to dip things so setting out some fruit with a yogurt based dip would be one way to help get more fiber. Popcorn has a good amount of fiber and would make a good snack. And then for meals, try and incorporate beans and see if she will eat oatmeal for breakfast. Chia seeds also have a lot of fiber and can be made into a pudding overnight. You can add things to customize the flavor to what she likes. Artichokes also have a lot of fiber. My kids love them, but I don’t know if all kids do haha.
Anonymous
I actually looked at all our yogurts and NONE of them have any fiber! Is there a brand you’d suggest?
Anon
I think you get the fiber from the things you dip in the yogurt. But yogurt has plenty of non-fiber gut health benefits.
Cat
would she eat high-fiber cereal mixed into yogurt? Fiber One takes like cardboard by itself but coated in yogurt it’s disguised…
Anonymous
Dave’s Killer Bread, bagels, and English muffins
Barilla whole-grain pasta
Brown rice
Popcorn
Any of the Cookie and Kate healthy muffin recipes–the pumpkin is my kid’s favorite and has the most fiber
Sweet potatoes
Oatmeal and anything made with oats (homemade granola bars, oatmeal cookies, etc.)
Triscuits
Whole-grain Goldfish
Prunes
Fresh pears, apples, etc.
mascot
Frosted shredded mini wheats are our cereal of choice, add berries for extra benefit. My kid also like chia seeds mixed in yogurt. Martin’s Whole Wheat potato bread for sandwiches.
anon
Berries are an awesome source of fiber (raspberries are the best). Frozen costco berries are cheap! Add them to smoothies, yogurt, oatmeal, whatever.
Anon
Does she like to dip things? Baby carrots and hummus/guac, peel-on pear or apple slices with yogurt (I think you can even buy these pre-made now?), bananas or celery with peanut butter. Try to pair a fibrous food with a slightly fibrous dip. Also, chia seeds mixed into things will boost the fiber content significantly, I like making chia pudding with yogurt, raspberries and chia. Just mix it up and let it sit in the fridge overnight. Boom, breakfast.
SC
Dave’s Killer Bread has a lot of fiber (5 g per slice in several varieties). My kid will eat it for PB&J, toast, etc. FWIW, I think the sandwich bread is good, but the bagels are gross.
For snacks, my son eats edamame. He’ll also dip pita chips or vegetables in hummus.
For meals, you don’t need a complicated recipe. Literally any simple bean or lentil dish will do. My son will eat red beans and rice, black bean soup, mujadara, white bean soup, etc. Each is pretty easy to make or buy.
anonymous
Will she drink Metamucil? That stuff has changed my life. Or maybe try some of the Metamucil crackers
Fibes
Fiber One mixed with other cereal is always great. Sometimes I’ll add a few chocolate chips and microwave it for a mini dessert. GG crackers are dry but really effective – I put PB or Laughing Cow on them to gussy them up. I agree with all the natural sources of fiber mentioned above, but sometimes Fiber One or GG crackers are just the push I need to keep things moving.
Anonymous
Carrot sticks, apple slices, pears, broccoli. I’ve found that I’m more likely to eat my my fruit & raw veg if I pre-slice it, instead of staring at an entire pear and going “oh so much work to eat it all at once…”
Also this may be a little out there for a non-Chinese American household, but pickled bamboo shoots (from a can) with some rice.
Anon
My kids will eat prunes as snacks.
TheElms
Banza chickpea pasta as a sub for regular pasta
Red lentil pasta (Trader Joes has one as does Barilla that I’ve seen at Target) for regular pasta
FiberOne Oat and chocolate chewy bars are pretty good
Raspberries, Pears and Apples are particularly high fiber for a fruit
Peas are also quite high in fiber and are easy to add to pasta or just boil from frozen and have as a side with dinner
nuqotw
We keep prunes and dried apricots around the house for snacks. My kids would eat them until they got sick if I didn’t stop them.
Anom
My 7 year old takes Miralax on a daily basis for constipation issues. We are doing this on the advice of her doctor (she’s been under the care of both a urologist and a gastroenterologist). We also do our very best to increase her fiber intake, but it’s an uphill battle, as you apparently know.
Fiberish
Honestly the only thing that has ever worked for me is taking a stool softner every day. The natural ones, not the ones with laxative in it. I have tried every other option of fiber.
Anon
Orowheat Double fiber whole wheat English muffins! 8g of fiber per muffin.
Orville Redenbacher SmartPop popcorn has 8g per bag and isn’t super buttery.
anon
Rant ahead. I feel like my current project is making me a failure in front of a couple of super senior people I really want to work with. The folks immediately senior to me did a poor job setting up this project with respect to pulling in the expertise we needed and have been resistant to me getting the right people involved. I think I’ve finally solved that problem, but there isn’t much time left on the project and I can only do so much. client’s happy, I think most of leadership is happy (unclear about the 2 aforementioned super senior ppl, as I know they gave the folks directly senior to me some heat for this/something related to this, but I wasn’t directly privy to that so I don’t know what exactly occurred), but I (& my teams) have always delivered standout work, and I feel sad and disappointed that I don’t feel like we’ll hit that bar this time. Unclear what anyone else thinks about this, except they’re generally more happy with things than I am. A lot of this is just how I feel about the work that I produce, but I’m also worked about what the super senior ppl think too. I’ll seek them out to debrief and do feedback after, but I really can’t think of any way of getting their view between now and then that won’t be seen as critical of my immediate seniors. I don’t know what I’m looking for here.
anon
Client and leadership is generally happy, so I fail to see the problem. Be careful not to undermine yourself in any potential debrief. If there is a clear objective way in which you could have performed better, I would put it as “I’d be keen to try X next time, because I think it could help us with Y”.
Anon
I’m feeling so sad.
I’m 39 and it’s really hitting me that I will likely never have kids (which I can probably live with) and maybe never find a partner (which I really CANNOT deal with). I am lonely. My friends are all busy with their families. The feeling of possibilities in my 20s and early 30s is gone. My friends with kids spend their weekends doing family stuff and going to kids’ birthday parties.
I know objectively that I have a great life and I’m still like “is this it?” many days. Like now I’m just going to get older and watch my parents age and continue to lose friends to their families that are their top priority? It feels like there is no hope for things to get better or anything to look forward to.
Even groups that I am a part of have changed dynamics, like my monthly dinner with friends. Now everyone is talking about their kids or, for the childfree, their choice not to have kids. I didn’t have a choice, so I have to sit there quietly and feel pain and it just hurts. So then I don’t want to go to the dinner, but what’s the alternative? Isolate myself so I have even fewer friends? That doesn’t make it better.
I know I need to date, but I feel too anxious and sad about this to date. I invested so much time in my friendships in my 20s and 30s and for what? I feel like I lose friends every year to distance and/or their new families become top priority.
Also, I’m in a freezing cold city and it’s been grey and dreary for like two months straight and it’s making me just want to go home and eat bags of chips.
Ugh. I just needed to vent. Thank you for listening. Any advice would be amazing, even if you’ve been there and you can tell me it gets better.
Ribena
Have you read Rebecca Traister’s All The Single Ladies? It made me feel better about it all.
Mallory
Good book – second the recommendation.
January
This was a good book. I also recommend Heather Havrilesky’s “How to Be a Person in the World.” There was an essay (well, question/response) in there that addressed almost exactly this situation/feeling. I was a few years younger when I read it, but I still got a lot out of it.
Anon
There’s also a really similar Heather Havrilesky Ask Polly column.
Anon
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. My only advice would be to get out there and get more hobbies just to feel like you have a stronger identity/more of a purpose besides your friendships. Hugs <3
Anonymous
Did I write this? Same age and I spent the weekend thinking – is this it? Good for you for having friendships at least, I spent my 20-30s toiling away at work while both the friend and family ships sailed.
I was just thinking today that because I’ve had a down weekend, I’m looking to bail on a coworkers birthday lunch tomorrow. They’re nice but the whole group is in the 30s and all they ever want to talk about is daycare, pediatricians, what their kids will/won’t eat etc or they want to live vicariously thru the one 28 year old in the group and here all about her wedding planning. They try to start off with general talk, news, vacations etc and within 5 min the convo gets to family , so let’s be real that’s what they want to discuss and I’m like – who am I to stand in the way?
Anon
Hugs to you. You’re not alone. It is so hard. I do have friendships, but I feel like I am a problem that cannot be solved and I don’t want to confide in them. The ones with kids are too busy to be burdened with it. Of course their kids should come first, but it doesn’t change the way it makes me feel.
I don’t think I realized how isolating it would feel to not be able to participate in the small talk related to kids. Even the complaints! This is how people bond.
Angela
So I’m gonna go out on a limb here. Do you have good cold weather gear for getting outside? I’m talking $200+ ski jacket, $100+ snow pants, WARM snow boots, gator, ear-covering hat, ski gloves, the whole nine?
If not, I’d recommend investing in that stuff and getting outdoors. Fresh air, nature, sunlight (even through gray clouds) — our bodies need these things to feel truly alive. It sounds like you have the winter blues. And, as the saying goes, there’s no bad weather, only bad gear. Invest in yourself and get back outside. You may find it healing/restorative.
Anonymous
What do you do outside? I’m in Boston. All I want to do is curl up. I have a dog who has basically no fur, and I put a coat on her, she shivers to go out, and then runs back inside. I’m open to outdoor activities but I don’t like skiing and don’t know what else there is to do really.
Anon
Fellow Bostonian – I’m really enjoying ice skating this winter. In addition to the outdoor rinks at the Common, Kendall, Fenway, etc., there are a bunch of public indoor rinks (generally free admission, pay for skate rentals) as well as the Bruins practice rink by Boston Landing. I also like walking around the Arboretum (some of the plants are still super interesting in the winter!).
Anonymous
How big is your dog? Could you carry it on walks? For me, it’s super important to get outside and move. As someone stated, warm lightweight gear is so worth it including a good hat.
Also, I have found that volunteering sis a great way to feel better.
Anon
Fellow Bostonian– winter hiking. We are near pretty parks and the White Mountains. There are various social groups to do this with (on Meetup, AMC) where you can meet nice people and organize carpools.
Anon
I’m sorry. I’m not in your situation, but I’ve been very dissatisfied with my personal life for different reasons lately and have found a lot of fulfillment through volunteer work. Hobbies are fun and all but there’s something different when you really feel like you’re helping other people. It’s also a good way to meet people who aren’t in the throes of raising young kids. A lot of volunteers tend to be people with a lot of time on their hands, ie., older retired folks, so you might not have a ton in common with them, but presumably they wouldn’t want to discuss pediatricians or toddler temper tantrums.
Panda Bear
Come be my friend if you are in Boston!
More realistically… I am lucky that I have a loving partner, but I feel you on the friends-with-kids sadness. I would have liked to have kids, my husband absolutely did not. That’s a whole other discussion, but the result is that yes, it is a bummer to be in my late 30s and sit and listen to talk about daycare and development milestones, or have plans fall through when friends are busy with their families. One thing that helps me is that I’m willing to hanging out with the friends *and* their kids – I’ll volunteer to meet them at the park, hang out at home with them and play, eat dinner with them at Panera instead of ‘grown-up’ restaurants. It’s not the same quality of socialization we used to enjoy – my friends are understandably a bit more distracted, and I have to listen to their unintentional but sometimes painful musings about the joys of motherhood that I’m missing out on – but my hope is that it’s an investment; eventually the kids will go to college, and our friendship will still be there.
Anon
I’m in the same situation. I love my friends, and I love their kids, but our friendships aren’t the same and it makes me sad.
I am online dating (for the millionth time). It’s hard and occasionally awful but I’m trying.
Single
Yes. Was just discussing with a (long distance) friend last night. Same place as you, a few years later. Likewise am mostly if not entirely resigned to the no kids thing—I always wanted them, but also always said I didn’t want to be a single parent. But really tired of not being anyone’s first priority/last call etc.
Anon
That’s exactly it. And when it happens three times in a week that a friend has to reschedule b/c of her kids or you can just TELL someone is trying to fit you into a too-small window of time and is distracted when you are hanging out and trying to give her your full attention…
…it just gets old.
Nearly 40 also
You are not alone. I just turned 39. I’m realizing that I essentially spent all of my 30s working and now I’m past my sell by date. I also spend a large amount of my limited free time taking care of my mom, who has a terminal illness. She may last 3 months or 10 years, and if I am not working she expects ME to be around to take her to the bathroom, give her a shower, etc. She has no ability to entertain herself due to failing vision, balance, memory, and motor skills. On one hand I am grateful that I can help her with my time and money. On the other I sometimes feel resentful that I have spent my final dating years on her (and before her, my dad was sick for years and that fell on me too because my parents were basically overgrown children who didn’t know what a savings account was).
Anyway, being more constructive. Can you volunteer for a women’s shelter? Can you volunteer for any other type of organization that will remind you that having a man is often much worse than not having one? I plan to do this when my mom is gone and I have time to help others. Most men are unsuitable, and I’d rather be alone than have one of them to take care of.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Is your mother in a facility or can you hire full-time help? It sounds like it’s time. You deserve a life too.
Nearly 40 also
Thank you. She is in the nicest memory care facility that I could find. She calls it her prison. She has been there a year, has made no friends, and basically refuses to participate in any of the organized activities. So bringing positivity into her life is on me.
I love my mom and find it hard to justify leaving her to meet an internet stranger for a date. This is probably the last time in my life that I will have any family to enjoy at all.
Is it Friday yet?
I’m just going to echo the you deserve a life too comment from above. You are not responsible for the happiness of someone who sounds absolutely determined to be miserable. Please see a therapist that will help you set healthy boundaries with your mother, because the expectation that you will spend all of your free time taking care of her is selfish and unfair.
Anonymous
I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I don’t know if this will help or not but I met my now husband at 39. Exactly one week after a truly horrible family wedding where I was asked over and over again why I was still single. I remember staying up the whole night after that wedding pacing around my hotel room (not like I was going to keep anyone up) and just asking the universe “why me”?. I felt like everything and everyone had passed me by. Met DH the following week. I got married at the age of 42. That was my happy ending. My not so happy ending is that kids didn’t work out for us (I’m in my late 40s now) because of my age. That still hurts but I am truly grateful to have found my person. Please don’t give up on finding your happy ending. Just know it may not be exactly how you would have written it.
anon
I hear you.
I hit that next decade mark and am completely failing at accepting that i”m probably not going to have kids. Why didn’t I really think about this in my 30s instead of all those bad relationships and way too much work? Damn, past me. Ugh. Single parenthood is not something I feel I could manage in my situation though. The loss hurts and feels so f*ck ing unfair.
The book recommendation from earlier posts is a GREAT one.
I have pets and they are not a substitute for a family, but they are loving , comforting and I am thankful for the way they enrich my life.
I’ve heard the kind of trite statement: you have to let go of the life you envisioned and embrace the life you have. That’s cold comfort (to me) though, even if it is true. YMMV.
Telco Lady JD
Hugs to you, OP. This is so hard. I could have written this five years ago. I’m a bit younger than you, but really felt like I was in the same boat. I’d been dating for years, and never even really got into a long term relationship. I had great friends, but I had the feeling that I was drifting further and further away from them as their lives morphed into being much more occupied with significant others and families.
One thing I’d recommend is…invite your friends (and their kids) over! I find that brunch works really well for that. You can see your friends and bond with their kids in a relaxed setting. And it keeps you on their radar for fun things that they can invite you to.
If you want a partner (and you don’t HAVE to want a partner), my only advice to you is the same that I received: “Start dating. And then, don’t stop.” Unfortunately, meeting people and dating can be really hard and anxiety producing. But, if it helps, it’s hard for everyone (even when it looks like it’s not)…and it does get easier once you’ve gotten into a groove. Also, if sadness and anxiety really are preventing you from dating (as they did me) – consider getting some help via therapy and/or meds.
My now-husband is a total introvert, and just….didn’t date….for YEARS. Until he finally decided that, if he wanted a partner, he’d have to actually leave his house and meet someone. To give you an idea of how much he didn’t want to date, he calls that period of time his “exposure therapy.” LOL. But…we met six months after he got online.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I’ve been there, and I’m sending you good thoughts.
Annie
Hugs. It’s hard. I’m this age range and met my life partner (male) a year ago after basically resigning myself to having no one for the rest of my life (capitulated to online dating – which coincidentally sucked). Kids are not an option for us. One of the things that has helped and continues to help is that a few years before I met my partner, I sought out and made a new girl friend in the same life situation (no partner, no kids, both of us surrounded by long time friends who were married with kids). It has been incredibly helpful to my mental health. When we meet up for coffee, lunch, a walk, or dinner it is wonderful to have someone to talk about everything but partner and kids with. We’re both incredibly interesting people. It was a huge effort for me to put myself out there to make this new girl friend, but that’s my suggestion. I sat next to her at a lecture on an topic that interested me and followed up with coffee even when it felt EXCEEDINGLY awkward trying to friend someone I didn’t know.
Anon
Can people provide some ideas for snacks that are not high in wheat/flour (don’t necessarily need to be free of wheat entirely) as I’m trying to go low Fodmap. I’ve done it at times, felt better, but since the holidays the bread/cookie/cracker consumption has become non stop because those were always the snacks at my family’s home growing up and being back there for nearly 2 weeks, I fell into that again with those foods always being available and somehow returned to my own home in January and continued it. After weeks/months of this, I realize I’m not feeling as great stomach-wise as I was in say Oct. when I’d have an occasional cookie but was not buying a box of crackers per week. Yet IDK what I was eating for snacks? Maybe nothing? There are times when I can go just meals, no snacks but that’s not working right now.
I realize fruits/vegetables are the most obvious – though I’m not a fan of hummus etc. so vegetables get boring. But what else do people like that’ll fill you up? I’m thinking like when you come home from work, it’ll take another 45 min to get dinner together but you must eat something now. Yesterday I resorted to a bowl of cereal.
Anon
Nuts, Greek yogurt, hard boiled egg if you like that.
Anonymous
Edamame! You can get it in the steamer bags so you just stick in the microwave and add a little sea salt! So good, and so good for you.
Anonymous
String cheese and nuts are my go to. They fill me up as I’m cooking/waiting for dinner and I feel better than if I eat a cup of cheez it party mix.
There must be something addictive in those junk snacks — when I don’t have them, I don’t want them for months. When I start eating them, it’s like I’m buying them weekly and ultimately I end up gassy/bloated etc if I eat them consistently for weeks.
Angela
Cheese sticks. Not string cheese, but serving-size blocks of white and orange cheddar, monterey jack, Babybels, etc.
Vicky Austin
In lieu of hummus I like to whizz white beans with a bit of garlic (or garlic powder) and lemon juice in the food processor. Something about the taste of hummus doesn’t work for me, but I can do this since it’s more neutral and can also add fun spices if I’m in the mood for it.
Never too many shoes...
I mentioned these above but the Brami flavoured lupini beans are amazing – low calorie, different flavours, lots of fibre and protein, low in net carbs, vegan, gluten free… try them!
Anonymous
Epic bars – specifically siracha chicken
Anon
Mandarin oranges and cashews are my go-to snack these days.
Anon Probate Atty
I eat very low-carb. My go-to snacks are provolone/mozzarella rollups, salami slices, blackberries/blueberries and seaweed. If I have time on the weekends, I sometimes make imitation Starbucks sous vide egg bites in my instant pot, then snack on those throughout the week. The gruyere/bacon kind is my flavor. Yum.
The Only GenXer in the Office
Thanks to whoever posted yesterday about hot pink suiting pieces at Banana Republic Factory – I am now the proud owner of a hot pink suiting blazer, pants and dress (in addition to the hot pink Banana skirt that was posted last week). Don’t worry, I’m not planning on wearing them all at once. I think :)
(And yes, in case you are wondering, I love color – I’m wearing a coral blazer, pale pink sweater and russet pants today – so having so much hot pink in my wardrobe is very much a feature, not a bug)
Angela
That sounds amazing! And if members of the US Senate can wear full-pink suits, so can you! I bet it looks fabulous :)
Anon
I have a hot pink suit as well and I LOVE it. Welcome to the club!
Senior Attorney
Another club member here! Welcome and enjoy!!
Happy Lights
Is it inadvisable to use Happy Lights for more than 1 hour per day? I’m thinking of getting one to keep at work (office gets no sunlight) and wanted to keep it in a corner as an artificial daylight, but somehow the recs all seem to be in your face for 30 mins – 1 hour in the morning, not in the corner for 6-8 hours.
Anon
I think if you just want it as artificial daylight that’s probably fine. If you’re looking to get the SAD benefits, that’s not going to work as well. Just make sure it’s not super close to your face if you’re going to have it on all day.
Juggling job offers
I currently work in-house but am looking to move because I’m unhappy with my comp (I’ve explored all avenues for increasing my comp within my current organization and realized I need to move on to move up). I have a job offer from In-House Department, and they want a response by end of day Wednesday. The offer is more than I’m making now but still not great comp-wise, I think my first choice is a job with Specialized Firm where the comp will be significantly higher. I have an interview at SF on Thursday. I know someone who works there so have it on good authority that they are very interested in me and would be able to make an offer quickly if the interview goes well. Do I a) make a counter offer to IHD (which I need to do anyway because I wouldn’t accept the job at the offered comp) on Wednesday morning in the hopes that buys me more time or b) tell IHD that I need until Friday to make my decision making it fairly obvious that I’m waiting for another offer and they’re not my first choice?
Ribena
I’d make it after lunch on Wednesday to decrease the chances they get back to you before your other interview
anon
Question on suit colors
I’m a junior at a firm looking at options to possibly lateral and I know I need a new suit (whether or not I end up doing interviews). In law school I stuck with dark grey and navy, but can I do black now? Or is the no black just a career-long rule that I didn’t know about?
mascot
The advice for males is often that black suits are for weddings and funerals- I don’t think the same guidance applies to women. I look better in black than I do in navy so my darker suits are black and gray.
Anon Probate Atty
I wear black suits regularly. I didn’t know that there was any rule against it. I have gray and navy too, but I like my black suits best.
anon
The no-black-suit rule is for men only.