Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: High-Rise Skinny Ankle Pants

341 Comments

1. I wish mid-rise or even some low-rise pants would come back. As a short person with a short torso, the waistband of the high rise pants hits the bottom of my ribs. But otherwise I like the look of these pants.

   1. Oh, hi, I’m right there with you. But I’m glad for cropped length tops (not the ones for teens that barely cover your bra, but the ones for the rest of us, b/c things are finally the right length). The long blazers though — if I weren’t pear-shaped, they could be coat dresses :)

   2. Same. I have an abnormally short distance between my inseam and my bellybutton, so mid-rise and high-rise styles feel like they’re splitting me in half. In some pants it’s actually painful. In my younger years I would wear a pad just to cushion myself from the relentless digging.

   3. As a person with a long torso, I don’t like them either – the intended “waist” is always too low, plus I like having the extra structure of the waistband for pooch support. With high rise pants it’s just squished out!

      Mid-rise stretch FTW.

   4. Totally with you on this! I was all set to order some pants from Boden, but then noticed they’d changed the rise to be 3″ higher :(

      1. Ooh, model rec please? I would love a 3 inch higher rise!

2. Looking for engagement ring advice: I can’t decide between a platinum band, yellow gold band, or yellow gold band with platinum prongs. Any advice?

   I’m cool-toned and will be using a colorless diamond–both factors that suggest platinum would be a good choice.

   On the other hand, I’ve really been drawn to yellow gold jewelry over the past few years. I also like the contrast between the yellow gold and the diamond; the diamond we’re using isn’t especially large (.6 ct), and I’m concerned (perhaps incorrectly?) that it might blend in too much and almost disappear against a white metal like platinum.

   Finally, I hadn’t even considered doing a yellow band with platinum prongs until I started researching rings. It seems like the advantage here is that the platinum prongs would complement the diamond. But perhaps the mixed metals would look odd?

   Do you have any tips or advice to help me decide between these three options?

   1. I would go with platinum. It’s a more timeless look than gold. With cool-toned skin you are also less likely to get tired of platinum than gold. I wouldn’t worry about the diamond’s “disappearing” against the platinum.

      I’d get a separate piece of mixed metal jewelry to harmonize the look when you want to wear gold with the platinum ring.

      1. +1 use a different finger for your hit of gold.

   2. I went with white gold – cool toned like platinum but cheaper!

      1. Same (but my center stone is a sapphire, not a diamond).
         If I ever get a different wedding band it’ll be rose gold, tho.

      2. I would also be sure that you like the look of platinum once it gets some patina. It’s a nice look, but doesn’t look “new” in the way white gold will (and you can get white gold replated).

   3. I would go with either the platinum ring or the gold ring with platinum prongs.

      You want prongs to be super sturdy, and yellow gold prongs can also make the diamond look yellower.

   4. You said you’ve been drawn to gold jewelry “over the past few years”. To me, that’s telling because it means you’ve likely been drawn to platinum/white gold much longer – so I would stick with that. Personally, I’ve always loved yellow gold and I went with a yellow gold band and platinum prongs. I don’t think it looks odd at all. Have you gone to try any rings on? I think that should help make your decision.

   5. Platinum for the e-ring, mixed metals for the wedding band.

      1. +1. This is what my SIL has (a rose gold and platinum metal wedding band) and it’s really pretty. She was worried about rose gold being too trendy for her engagement ring, but it warms up the platinum e-ring nicely and they look really pretty together!

   6. I have a yellow gold ring with platinum prongs, but is an heirloom so I didn’t actively choose that. I think of yellow gold as more traditional, but I’ve heard plenty of women with platinum rings say the same about platinum. The platinum prongs make my diamond look ever so slightly larger. I also really like the look of gold prongs, and if I had chosen my own ring probably would have done that. broader ring design probably matters too: everyone I know with a halo setting or eternity band has platinum, whereas most of my friends with solitaires or three stone settings have yellow gold.

      The fact that you say you like yellow gold only for the past few years suggests that this may be more of a short term interest for you that could feel dated in a while, and you may like platinum better in the long run. Either way you can’t go wrong!

      1. I agree that gold is more traditional. Everyone my mom’s generation has gold, but I’m the only person my generation that has/wants gold. I love gold toned jewelry and literally never wear silver toned so it makes my choice easy!

   7. I think whatever you pick will just date when you got it (and I think that’s fine!). When I got engaged in the mid-aughts everyone was doing white gold or platinum. Fifteen years before it was all gold-gold. I think we’re probably swinging toward gold-gold for a stretch. Point, being — just pick what you’re most drawn to. There’s no way to avoid having what your drawn to be in some way marked by time.

      1. Agreed! There are definite trends that you’ll be susceptible to. The only way to avoid it is going vintage. I did that, I have a platinum antique ring from the 20s that’s my “real” ring. I also got a moissanite ring and band for every day and travel.

         1. What’s popular in vintage goes through trends too.

            1. I mean maybe? But not really.

      2. That’s a good point – what style is most of your other jewelry? My ‘good’ jewelry (the expensive pieces with gemstones vs. demi-fine or costume pieces) are either vintage or vintage inspired art-deco or art noveau and so almost all platinum settings. If the rest of your jewelry is gold though, go with that!

   8. I thought I wanted platinum and I ended up with white gold because platinum is so dang HEAVY. It didn’t seem that heavy in the store but when I was walking around with it I noticed it felt like I was weighed down. The white gold is much more comfortable. My grandmother’s ring is a white gold band and platinum prongs and the metals have definitely worn differently over time (50 years).

   9. To me platinum or white gold has always looked more upscale, independent of trends.

   10. Maybe people are less clumsy than I am (or baby their rings more than I do) and this isn’t as big of a concern, but gold is SOFT. My vote’s on platinum for toughness. My rings are platinum and they are certainly not without scuffs after a decade plus of wear, but they aren’t as beat up looking as they would be if they were gold.

   11. Pick your wedding band first, then pick a setting for the engagement ring that goes well with the wedding band. I don’t think they have to match, but they should coordinate. Keep in mind you can alway reset an engagement diamond, but the wedding band is always the wedding band.

   12. It’s just your personal preference. I find that my vintage-loving friends (including me) all have yellow gold rings and my more modern/contemporary-loving friends have white gold or platinum rings. It’s also not uncommon to reset your stone later in life as your preferences change — my MIL had an engagement ring with a .6 solitaire that she had reset as a 3 stone ring when she was in her 50s.

       1. I think this is strange. There are so many vintage platinum rings (including mine).

   13. It might help you to think of the diamond as forever but the setting as temporary. Lots of people reset their stones into new settings. I’ve cycled through various rings I use as my wedding ring(s). I married the man, not the ring. My preferences have evolved and I prioritize a more comfortable ring right now.

   14. I’ve always loved mixing metals, so I went with a white gold e-ring and yellow gold wedding band. I like how they look together but then I’m also able to wear them separately when I feel like it.

   15. If I had it to do other, I’d do a ring with both yellow and white gold (or platinum). Some jewelers swear by a platinum setting in a gold band because the chance of losing the main diamond is less with platinum due to it’s strength.

       See by reply for examples.

       1. There are tons of styles that could be made into two-tone rings.
          https://crossjewelers.com/product/retro-ice-diamond-engagement-ring-x2207/
          https://www.goldiesjewelry.com/two-tone-contemporary-free-form-engagement-ring-p/er5363m44jj.htm

          https://www.shaneco.com/design-your-own-fashion-rings/round-diamond-swirl-ring-in-14k-white-and-rose-gold/p/41073870?gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=Cj0KCQjwma6TBhDIARIsAOKuANyWUzrkAbwOo07uzURTKdEgJL5b6AquWtallDxzp_Xd4GFii0BFmucaAlXdEALw_wcB

   16. Pick what you love. Colourless diamonds look equally good with platinum or yellow gold.

3. If you’re traveled internationally recently, what services/sites have you used for doing your pre-flight Covid testing? I’ll need to show proof of negative tests before my upcoming flight, and I’ve heard there are sites you can use to take a self-test, which will then be verified and can be used for entry. Have you used one of these and can recommend it?

   1. Walgreens Rapid ID now. It’s nucleic acid amplification not antigen, so it’s accepted everywhere and it normally comes back within 2 hours (officially can take up to 24 but never takes that long).

      I use eMed self tests for coming home but not all destinations accept those (US does, but some places specify it can’t be an antigen test).

   2. not all destinations accept self-tests. We’ve been using CVS or Walgreens or – local to Philly maybe? – Vybe.

      1. oh, for returning to the US, we use the eMed BinaxNow kits. They’re basically the same thing as the self-tests you can buy at the drugstore, but for the extra money they are video-monitored and so valid for US re-entry.

         Not all countries allow that, though.

   3. Your airline might have recommendations for this. I bought a few tests through Delta’s website.

   4. We recently used Qured coming back from Europe, and it worked like a charm. The only flag I would have for you is that it appears that online appointment timeslots disappear the closer you get to the day of your scheduled test (we needed to move our appointments and when I went to reschedule, there were a lot fewer available than when I made the initial appointment). This could be an issue for you depending on a) how soon your travel is and b) how much leeway you have on testing times, but the service itself was super slick. When I used it, I was able to find a promo code from American Airlines that knocked a few bucks off the cost too.

   5. I didn’t go with the self-test option, but used an external lab. I had to schedule in advance, one of them was a half-hour drive away, and there was a fairly substantial charge, but it worked out fine. For the flight out of the US (going to Europe), I got a whole wad of paperwork including the government license info of the lab; for the flight back into the US, I got a QR code with all that included.

4. My husband has really bad migraines where day to day stress is a really clear trigger. He’s never really been able to make them “better” but during the pandemic years they have gotten a lot worse – more frequent and more debilitating. Does anyone have success stories of trying things to reduce stress that actually resulted in fewer migraines? What did you do?

   1. Stress no, but try Botox for migraines.

   2. Does he feel more stressed out than normal? In that case, I’d focus on stress management techniques like exercise and meditation and changes to the things making him stressed. I also find it helpful to think of stress not just as emotional stress but in physical terms. My biggest triggers are things that cause physical stress, like poor sleep, not eating regularly, not getting exercise, poor ergonomics at the computer or any other ergonomically stressful position (driving is a big one for me, and having to spend any amount of time with my head turned, like in a lot of conference rooms), motion and screen time in general, sun glare, wind. A lot of times when people are emotionally stressed, they also end up with more physical stress because they don’t eat or sleep well and are doing other things that make stress worse but are easier to fix than a stressful job or family situation is. Also, if he hasn’t already, see a neurologist and take preventative medication! This is a neurological disease that’s worsened by certain triggers, but triggers don’t cause the disease.

      1. Thank you for the reminder that the trigger is not the disease. It can be easy to focus on the trigger and get so frustrated with it! His doctors have focused on meds to treat migraines once they come on, but we haven’t tried preventative meds. He saw neurologists when the migraines started after an accident 10+ years ago, but since then he’s just worked with his PCP on meds. Sounds like it’s worth going back to a neurologist to see what treatment options have changed since this started!

         1. There are so many more options than there were 10 years ago, both for preventatives and abortives. It can still be really frustrating to try all these things and deal with side effects, but most people can find something that helps some, and lifestyle modifications improve it even more. Unlike the posters below, I don’t have any obvious food or dehydration triggers, but do need to eat regularly. Magnesium supplements help too, and my doctor actually prescribes these so I can use my FSA.

         2. When you say accident, make sure to check if he might have some post concussion symptoms. They might be eye related and with all the zoom meetings during the pandemic might have triggered headaches more. SPARCC in Tucson AZ is a good doctors office to get information from regarding this.

   3. Ergonomics is a big issue for me with stress headaches and stress migraines. Sitting hunched with my shoulders at my ears makes my neck freeze up, and the strain just keeps traveling upwards. A sit-to-stand desk at exactly the correct height(s) and forcing myself to wear proper eye correction (so I don’t lean into the monitor) both made a huge difference.

   4. I have stress induced migraines caused by muscle tension. Acupuncture/dry needling on my neck and traps have dramatically reduced the number I get.

   5. He should keep a food diary and prioritize sleep. Knowing my triggers and not getting sleep deprived really helped me, particularly when I can’t reduce stress. Especially avoiding wine (sorry!)

      1. +1 million to this and will add in hydration. In my experience as a migraineur who has had migraines since age 12, my diet, sleep and hydration habits are all easier to control than my stress. The book The Migraine Brain goes into thorough detail about lifestyle triggers and how to manage them to control migraine. The two biggest takeaways from the book for me were 1. I absolutely trigger if I don’t drink enough water. I am one of those “gallon a day” people and for me, it is 100% about staying hydrated enough to avoid migraine. 2. I cannot skip meals and let my blood sugar drop precipitously because that will trigger a migraine. I have snacks (packs of nuts and dried fruit, protein bars) with me at all times and I eat every 4 hours to keep my blood sugar stable. My other big trigger is overhead fluorescent lighting, which is why working from home has been such a big deal for me – I no longer have to deal with that in office environments. I also cannot drink wine, ever, any type, and I have to be careful about certain foods (I also cannot have aspartame, ever, and am generally careful about sweeteners as I’ve also had reactions to stevia. Similarly, very sweet foods can give me a migraine).

         I will echo the sentiment above that he needs to see a doctor and get rescue meds or preventative meds, or both. Meds are so much better than they used to be, there are tons of options now and with the right support, your husband can find a med (or med combo) that works for him. He does not just have to take to bed and suffer any more. If he’s trying to white-knuckle through using just OTC meds like Excedrin Migraine, he should know that triptans work for many people to completely knock out the migraine and there are also CGRP blockers now that are highly effective in people who haven’t had luck with other meds (he will likely have to try other meds first before insurance will approve these for him).

         I also just want to give the disclaimer: if these migraines are brand-new, or they’re significantly different than before (different place in the head, aura when he’s never had aura before, he loses vision or hearing during the migraine, etc.) he needs to get a head CT to rule out bad stuff like tumors or aneurysms.

         I feel for your husband, I suffered for a lot of years before I got my triggers managed and found a good med combo. I hope he can get some relief soon.

         1. Thank you for sharing your experience! Ordering The Migraine Brain now! Triptans help, but only in the sense that he still has to take to bed but isn’t in agony the entire time. I don’t think any doctors have ever suggested a CGRP blocker to him but it sounds like that might be a good conversation to have.

            I definitely think there is a food related component too, but he hasn’t been able to find the specific pattern yet. It’s definitely clear that when we eat healthier he seems to have fewer migraine and when we slip into worse habits he tends to have more. There’s just so many variables to track!

            1. He should also think about whether or not his “stress” migraines are actually caused by TMJ. For me stress = clenching/grinding my teeth = migraines. I am not conscious of clenching my teeth during the day when I’m stressed, but I do it. I also grind like crazy at night when I’m stressed (and I have had a sleep study and my nighttime airway/airflow is fine, it’s all stress for me). I saw a TMJ specialist a few years ago and it was life changing in that they prescribed me a hard top nightguard that doesn’t cover all my teeth; it prevents the hard/heavy grinding that used to trigger my migraines. He also prescribed me some very simple PT exercises to do at bedtime to relax my jaw and open up my airway; I do them in bed at night right before I fall asleep. A lot of people do Botox for this as well and I would try that if my nightguard/PT stopped working. There are all kinds of things to try; I know it is frustrating to have to try to pin down the variable that’s causing the migraines, but it’s worth it in the long run. Good luck to you and your husband!

      2. I was having weekly migraines and it was debilitating. Stress, weather changes, hormones and diet are my triggers. I have the most success at controlling my diet. What really helped me was reducing sugar significantly and eliminating dairy. Doing that means that now I get a migraine or two a month and some months I don’t have them at all. I’ll echo the recommendation for meditation. I’m going through the most stressful period of my career and having a daily (often twice a day) meditation routine has been amazing at helping me to manage the stress.

   6. Yes, I was in the exact same boat as your husband until January of this year. I even tried daily meds for the first time but they made it worse and I was really struggling. 10-15 headache days a month. I’ve cut it down to about 5 now without daily meds, which is one of the most exciting developments of my adult life.

      Here’s what worked (in order of effectiveness for me):
      MEDITATION – specifically the anxiety series from 10% happier. I was always a meditation skeptic but it’s seriously life-changing, even doing 5-10 minutes a few times a week. The TLDR epiphany I had: when I start to feel a twinge in my head I shouldn’t let my brain create narratives about what it means (aka fear spiral that a migraine is beginning) and instead just see it as a ~passing sensation~.
      Sleeping position – I used to sleep on my stomach, but frequently woke up with migraines and heard that could be the cause so switched to my side.
      Checking in/Mindfulness – When I start to feel the dreaded twinge I ask myself “what is my body trying to tell me?” usually the answer is rest and/or water. Listening to those cues has helped a lot.
      Magnesium Supplements – My MD friend said this is the only clinically proven migraine supplement. I use the Beam supplement through Cove and take it religiously every day.
      Working out – I’ve started weight training, which a neurologist once suggested and I never did until recently. I think it helps!
      Eating cleaner – I had a terrible junk food habit, trying to eat more whole, unprocessed foods. Unsure if it helps but it can’t hurt.
      CBD Oil – honestly I still half-believe this is snake oil but I swear it helps my anxiety.

      Oh and finally if he doesn’t already have a rx for Triptans I’d highly recommend he get one. They were life-changing for me (though rebound headaches are a pain).

   7. Two things that have helped my chronic migraines:
      1) monthly massage with someone who can do cranial-sacral, as well as full body to get out the tension in the neck, jaw, and head;
      2) wearing a mouthguard at night. When I am stressed, I clench my jaw in my sleep, and it was actually my dentist who figured out this was triggering more migraines. Once he made me a mouthguard, the frequency with which I had migraines decreased significantly.

5. I thought years in sneakers had put my foot problems behind me, but I’m getting a cortisone shot in my foot next week for pain like a marble under the ball of my foot. Has anyone had feet needing this? This happened years ago and resolved. I understand that you can do a few rounds of shots and then it’s surgery if that doesn’t work. I was never a big heel wearer but it that having a high arch and longer second toe can be a risk factor for toe issues.

   1. Sounds like the Morton’s Neuroma I have. The cortisone shot completely alleviates the pain, but wears off eventually (maybe 6 months for the first shot) and subsequent shots don’t last as long (barely 2 months for the 4th one several years later). I find that being careful how I lace my sneakers helps – too tight on top and my foot starts to bark. Oddly open top office shoes like flats and low heel pumps (I never wear over 2 inches) don’t cause me pain. Also make sure you have a metatarsal support in your shoes – it props up the long bones between the arch and ball of foot and takes the pressure off the tumor. I like the Pedag brand readily available on A***zon – they are stiff enough to provide support but are quite thin, so they can fit in dress shoes.

   2. Morton’s neuroma. The shots work for me, and last a very long time.

   3. Shots didn’t do diddly for me, but custom inserts are the only way to go for me. A surgeon offered to cut the nerve, since sometimes the pain wakes me up in the night, but I’m concerned about possible injury to the toes later on that I wouldn’t be able to feel until something serious develops.

      I’d start with inserts.

6. My townhouse’s bedroom gets cold light. I try and keep the doors open to share the light in the hallway, but have been thinking of painting the room to warm it up. Particularly, I’m considering a dusky pink.

   Two questions: is pink done? I don’t want to decorate for the tail end of a trend.

   Is pink to feminine/unwelcoming for any potential male suitors? I’m unhappily single, and don’t really want to add any signals that the bedroom isn’t open to potential future gentleman. (I get this sounds a little stupid, but it’s been holding me up.)

   1. BM has some paint swatches that include pinkish-whites, but I think that the white family will give you better light and a pinkish or creamy white will look warm and cozy (vs a grayish white). And then something like super white in high gloss for the trim.

      I have ruddy skin, so a true pink is not a good color on me. “How do I look in this room?” IDK that men think about colors that much once they make it into your boudoir. And to me, a man-repeller is a doily or something that reminds them of their great-aunt or mom.

   2. I don’t know about trends, but a) by the time someone gets to your bedroom, I don’t think they’re going to care what color’s on the wall — maybe if it’s Barbie pink, but a dusky pink would be fine; and b) I’m doing a similar search for our guest room and I think I’m set on Benjamin Moore Charmeuse. Looks beige in some lights, pink in others.

   3. Pink is fine! Don’t worry about the color of your walls, since no color I know of would be unwelcome to potential male suitors. You need only for them to be nuzzeling around you!

      As someone in the very same boat as you (older, unmarried, and unsuccessful to date in landing a boyfreind interested in marrage), believe me, if you wear an alluring dress, and are able to get a man into your bedroom, the last thing he will be thinking about is the color of your wall. And from there, if you play your cards right, and position yourself properly, the only thing he will be able to see is you and the pink duvet spread on your bed!!!! Trust me, it works! YAY!!!!

   4. Two years ago I painted our bedroom pink and I love it every day still. We did Persian Pearl from Lowes (it’ll read more lilac on your screen).

   5. I think the color of the bedroom’s walls would be the LAST thing on the mind of any gentleman caller lucky enough to be invited in. If pink works for your decor, go for it. A soft yellow might look nice, too.

   6. I think “millennial pink” is kind of overdone at this point, but it also looks atrocious with my skin so I was never tempted to use it in my house.

      You might try a more yellowy or creamy white. Navajo White is one I see recommended often for being warm. Linen White was another one someone recommended here (I think they said it was used in an art gallery?) for being soft and glowy while letting the decor be the true star of the show. I’m swatching my walls now and Linen White is in the lead for exactly that reason.

      1. Word of caution against Linen White. I had it in a sunny SE apartment and loved it but in my north facing one it looks so dingy. I think Navajo White may have the same issue as it’s tonally similar. We have Sweet Bluette (BM) in one of the rooms though, it’s a cool pale blue, and looks very pretty.

         1. oh good point, we are using it in our south-facing house. What’s soft and glowy in that light could turn Landlord White in a different space!

   7. Our master is a cool light purple and I love it but I’m planning on pink when we repaint next year. I love the depth of Farrow and Ball colors, and I’m debating between peignoir or cinder rose. I love cinder rose (super romantic) but I think my husband will likely advocate for peignoir and I think it’s a really pretty warm neutral pale pink that’s very adult.

      1. Those are both gorgeous colors, I would do in a heartbeat. OP, pink is only out if you pair it with a for like ever poster and fiddle leaf fig plant. I’d highly recommend the FB colors suggested above. Do what you like now. One of these days you will be happily not single and you’ll have to discuss things like this with someone else. It’s wonderful making your own decor choices.

   8. Do what makes you happy. Don’t decorate to please men, that’s ridiculous.

      1. This. OP, are you seriously basing your home decor on a theoretical person instead of the person in the mirror? That’s sad. Be better to yourself.

      2. Adding to this – if he eventually moves in then he may want to repaint regardless of what color is currently on the walls. Also, a man who would be turned off because of a paint color is not worth being with.

      3. 1000%. It’s your house, if pink makes you happy (it would make my happy), go for it. Don’t change yourself for any man (compromise yes, change no), but do not compromise for a hypothetical man you’ve yet to meet

      4. Decorating in your taste can be an awesome litmus test. I had a very feminine apartment that many gentlemen callers commented on positively. I always thought that was nice until I met my husband who looked around and asked if I was really committed to a feminine look, because his style wasn’t and he could picture us living together and wanted to know if we’d argue about decor. It was one of the first of many funny conversations about compatibility. And spoiler, we repainted and found colors we both like.

         1. Did he say this the first time he came over?

            I’m glad you’re happy and I know my partner does things that would drive others crazy, but maaaaan this would not go over well with me unless we were planning to move in together!

            1. It was pretty early on, and there’s a lid for every pot. My husband is a straight shooter, and very open with his opinions and feelings, as am I. It was much more about how seriously into me he was than it was about decorating really.

      5. My fiance and I painted our bedroom a pinkish color after he moved in. He loves it! All colors are for all people.

   9. Honestly I find it a bit bizarre to worry about trends when it comes to a bedroom. Unless you’re an IG influencer filming in there, no one other than you and partner(s) will see it. You should love it, whether your taste is in fashion or not. If you want a puke green shag rug and paisley walls, do it.

   10. I have a north facing pale pink bedroom and it looks nice. We used BM shell pink. It’s not too pink at all and doesn’t have a feel of “wow pink bedroom” when you walk in (I panicked for a second when it was first painted but with non-pink furniture and curtains you really don’t feel it). I share the bedroom and Mr. AIMS has had zero objections.

   11. Shell pink has long been popular in certain high-end design circles because it can give people a pretty glow. Go for it!

   12. I have Farrow & Ball calamine pink in my living room and I adore it. My windows are west facing so I get a lot of sun (when there is any) but we’re a long way north so it’s often cold light and artificial lighting and it does well in all those circumstances. No man has ever been turned off by the living room (as others have said, if he’s already in your apartment he’s unlikely to be bothered by the wall colour).
       Now what DOES bother my boyfriend is the horrendously ugly lampshade on the ceiling light in my bedroom. I agree with him – I’ve hated it the whole time I’ve lived here – but I’ve not been able to find anything I dislike less for under £300 which seems like a lot of money for something I don’t spend a lot of time looking at.

   13. Go with your heart and paint the walls pink!

       A few years ago, I decided I’d always wanted a lilac bedroom, so I painted it purple. I loved loved loved that bedroom (ended up selling the house). Not one man who was invited into the room said anything about it that wasn’t positive. I’ve painted one room in my current house peach and am painting another room mauve. I have a boyfriend who lives with me, btw. So, just saying that you should paint however you want AND there are partners out there who won’t shy away from feminine colors.

   14. Try BM Angelica – just painted our hallway and love it. Sophisticated and soft.

   15. Farrow and Ball has some great non-Barbie pinks you could look at. The paint itself is viciously expensive, and rumor has it that the coverage isn’t great and multiple, as in more than two, coats of the viciously expensive paint are likely needed. But I love looking at their FB, Insta and web presence for ideas.

   16. Paint is one of the easiest, cheapest and most fixable things you can do to your space. Paint it a color you like and don’t give another moment’s thought to future visitors or trends. Please yourself.

   17. > Two questions: is pink done? I don’t want to decorate for the tail end of a trend.

       Unless you are a blogger, decorate for your taste, not for a trend. Apartmenttherapy isn’t going to break into your house and judge you.

       > Is pink to feminine/unwelcoming for any potential male suitors?

       Girl, if the man cares more about the color on the walls than the live human woman in the room with him, he is not that into the woman, and you can do better.

   18. Sherwin Williams Turkish Towel is my recommendation. It’s very neutral but slightly pink. I have used it in three different houses.

7. Doing a last-minute trip to the Hamptons this weekend (first time visiting). Any recs for things to do off-season in the Hamptons? Driving from Jersey so I will have a car.

   1. Not sure where you are staying, but I think the drive out to the tip of Montauk is worth it since you’ve never been. There is a lighthouse that you can visit, but even without actually going inside, there is a walking path around the edge that is pretty cool. You could get lunch somewhere in Montauk after/before and check out the beaches.

      All the main downtown areas are pretty cute (Sag Harbor, East Hampton, Southampton) — you could spend a couple hours browsing any of them. Amagansett is smaller, but also has a few cute stores/cafes.

      Walk on the beach! Enjoy the emptiness. :)

      There are some vineyards if you are interested in Long Island wines (I am not really a huge fan tbh, but plenty of people enjoy going to Wolffer, etc.). The Parrish Art Museum is fine, but not a must-do in my opinion.

   2. Where are you staying? Less terrible than the summer but it can take a surprisingly long time to go from town to town.
      I agree with the previous poster that SH, EH and Sag have the nicest downtowns for walking around. A lot of shops will be closed but there will be a few that stay open year round. I also just like to go for walks — EH has a little nature trail area south of the highway in “the Lanes” and you can walk from downtown to that small trail, walk the neighborhood roads and look at all the insanely big houses, and then down to the beach. Agree also that the wines are not great but the wineries can be fun to visit if you’re into that sort of thing. The beaches are nice to walk on although obviously it’s going to be pretty chilly this weekend. There’s a cute indie movie theater in Sag and some yummy donuts at the coffee shop on the main drag there.

      1. Thanks, all! I’m staying in Southampton and really enjoy walking so exploring the beaches, parks, and little downtown areas sounds perfect to me.

         1. I’m not as familiar with SH but I would definitely suggest taking a drive or a bike ride down Meadow Lane (the really narrow spit of land out by the beach). The houses are nuts!

         2. mountauk is kind of a far drive from there. I like walking around Sag Harbor. And in south Hampton visit Tate’s!

   3. If you’re into art I think a visit to the Jackson Pollock / Lee Krasner studio in Ammagansett could be great. The Hamptons are also fairly flat so renting a bike and going for a ride would be nice. Villa Italian Specialties has great sandwiches, if you want to pick something up for the beach.

8. Looking for insights on the Miller Analogies Test — aka the grad school exam that isn’t the GRE. I’m scheduled to take it May 12, and I’ve been doing practice tests, but I don’t know how my practice scores translate into actual scores. I don’t think the score matters much toward my admission decision — this is a certificate program vs a full MA, and I don’t think it’s very competitive — but still I’d like to know how I’m likely to fare.

9. Talk to me about upholstry fabrics. If something is a “performance velvet” or a “performance linen” or similar, what exactly does that mean? It would need to be something like: tolerates a large dog and his giant toenails, tolerates children who will inevitably eat and spill on the couch, tolerates jumping (children and dog), can scrub with a sponge and a bit of dawn. Or do I need to add something like Stainmaster?

   Have thought for years that my options are just leather and Sunbrella (but perhaps not)? Current couches are 20+ years old. Yes, there is some glitter nail polish that spilled on one couch cushion, but I feel like they have stood up. In a new space where I’d love some upholstered chairs and ottoman but pretty sure that light-colored cloth will not be long for this world (and yet it seems cozier than a cognac leather version).

   1. You want to look at the ‘double rub’ durability of the velvet. Performance velvet mixes cotton with syntethic fibers – you don’t want silk/wool velvet. Apparently mohair velvet is also excellent but VERY $$. We have two performance velvet pieces and a performance fabric on our main couch and frankly the velvet is holding up better than the velvet is. Velvet will ‘crush’ a bit overtime but I don’t mind the look of that. If you have cats, velvet (and other fabric with a nap vs. weave) also tends to hold up better to toenails/cats.

      1. Also I’d do velvet on the chairs but leather on the ottoman. Our dog is only allowed on the ottoman and we picked out a VERY tough leather intentionally as she is a big lab with rough nails who chews a lot of bones and we didn’t want a puncture. I’m also not sure velvet (even performance) would stand up well to drool-y bones being knawed on it.

   2. You gotta talk to the store, those are marketing terms.

   3. We got a sunbrella couch and it feels much nicer than I thought but has been very disappointing for holding up to normal use. Granted, I got an off white color with three young kids, but even spilling water on it leaves a mark. We’ve had it less than two years and it looks gross.

      1. Sunbrella is meant to stand up against fading in sunlight, it is not a performance upholstery fabric.

         1. It’s certainly not marketed that way!
            “From sofas and chairs to high-traffic benches and tufted headboards, Sunbrella is the worry-free choice, offering durability, comfort, and stain resistance. With Sunbrella performance upholstery you can embrace all the things that make a house a home—family meals, pets, and gatherings with your favorite people—without sacrificing style and comfort.”

         2. I hate everything about Sunbrella (especially the staining from “water”). Maybe this explains why. And that feels ironic since my Sunbrella fabric is white anyway; would it even have faded?

   4. I got a couch from west elm several years ago in light grey performance velvet fabric and have been extremely impressed with how it as held up to a large dog (that we allow on the couch), two toddlers, and general spills.

      Everything – mud, jam, red wine, coffee, crayon, pen, etc – has come off with just water and a little bit of scrubbing. Dog hair also vacuums off of it easily.

      You can get fabric samples from the store for free. We got quite a few and put our favorites to the test with various substances at home before we purchased.

   5. We just bought a couch from Room and Board and they rated different fabrics separately based on how well they stood up to kids/ dogs, etc. Our couch is only a few months old, however, so I can’t really speak to how good the ratings are.

      1. We got a fabric chair from R&B that was supposed to be very child/cat friendly and it’s not held up well at all. Meanwhile, I have C&B couches that are 7 years old and have held up much better.

   6. Look for the Martindale rating, that’s a scale of how durable upholstery fabrics are. In your case, Martindale suited for public use is probably better than light home styles.

      And in terms of marks, a fabric in one single shade will show marks more than fabrics with a little life and variation.

10. We’re planning a trip to Sicily, and will be staying in Palermo, Cefalu, Taormina, and Siracusa. I’m now trying to plan day trips from these places. Our time is limited, of course, so I have to make some choices. We will definitely be visiting Agrigento. If you’ve been to Sicily, which of the following do you think are must-sees?

    -Mt Etna
    -Villa Romana del Casale (the mosaics)
    -southeastern hill towns like Noto and Scicli

    I know this is pretty granular, so I may not get too many responses, but thanks for anyone who can offer their opinion.

    1. When I was about 12, my Dad took us to Sicily. Palermo, the major city there, was beautiful, but my mom’s purse got lost when we went on an all day tour. We had to spend extra days at the hotel until the embassy got her replacement documents, even tho Dad knew people in the bureau of Customs. I also met some older guy (about 15-16) who put his hands up my dress. I did not know better then. Fooey!

    2. I’ve only been to western Sicily (had a spring 2020 eastern Sicily trip obviously cancelled, so pretty jealous of your trip now) but I loved Cefalu and Agrigento. (Palermo is fine, but you don’t need more than a day. Eat all the street food.) If you can fit them in, my favorite ruins were Selinunte, because you could climb in them and really get a sense of how absolutely massive these temples were. I haven’t been to the options you list, but I did research them all, I think what you would choose as a must-see depends on your interests. Outdoors/hiking? Mt. Etna. Art/history? Mosaics. Walking and sightseeing? Hill towns. If you’re not particularly interested in the mosaics, I think you will be able to get your fill in Palermo (Capella Palatina) and Cefalu. We also took a taxi to Monreale to see the mosaics in the Duomo there. Enjoy!

    3. Mt. Etna was interesting but when we went it was super cold and foggy so I wouldn’t necessarily call it a must-do unless you are a big geology buff, in which case it definitely is. (You can see it from miles around if it’s clear, and you can’t see it even when you’re on it if it’s foggy/cloudy.) We did have a fabulous multi-course meal in a tiny guesthouse type placeon the mountainside, and that was great.

       We visited Noto and again, it was cool and enjoyed it a lot but if we’d missed it, I’m not sure I would have missed it a ton.

       Didn’t do the villa but now I wish I had! Siracusa was my favorite stop.

    4. Reply in mod so check back. I was there on my honeymoon and loved it even though we were mostly cycling those ridiculous hills.

    5. I highly recommend the Pantalica gorge and cave tombs. Also really like Enna, which is perched up on a fist of land that rises out of a flat valley.

    6. Went with my husband-to-be to eastern Sicily many years ago in December at the end of a business trip to Italy. We were based in Taormina, which provided some much-needed rest and relaxation in a beautiful and interesting town. The Greek theater was magical.
       I still want to go to Monreale, Agrigento, Palermo et al

11. This may be a dumb question but I might have to move this summer. NYC real estate market is terrible right now!!!! I need some packing tips since I haven’t moved in a few years and I don’t think I’ve ever done a great job at it. How do you wrap martini and wine glasses? What’s the best timing? What should I have on hand like TP, and cutlery the first night? Just go to Home Depot and buy lots of boxes, bubble wrap and tape? I want to make this as easy and streamlined as possible since I’ll be busy with work and still want to enjoy my summer! Obviously I’ll hire movers. Any tips for an anxious type A planner would be helpful!!!

    1. Bubble wrap, newspaper, moving companies sell supplies and also will pack for you if you pay extra.

       1. Definitely on a budget! Moving bc my building is likely raising the rent and it’s not worth it so trying to save money in the move.

          1. Oh good luck with that. Moving is really expensive, so if your rent is going up a couple hundred a month, it will take a few years to recoup your moving costs. Now if you’re moving with roommates or to a place that’s half the price or something, different story. But it will need to be dramatically lower.

             1. My bf and I are moving in together. Looking at a place that is the same price as my current apartment and only 1 mile away. Current roommate moving away from NYC. I’ve hired movers in the past for about 1K. I just have an apartment not a whole house. If they raise my rent $400 a month we recoup my moving expenses in 3 months.

             2. A lot of places in Manhattan dramatically discounted rents during the pandemic and are now offering renewal leases with 50%+ rate hikes. Half the people I know who live in Manhattan are currently trying to move for this reason.

          2. One thing I always like if you have a lot of dressy clothes is wardrobe boxes. It’s like a moving closet you can just hang your work clothes in.
             I would get rid of as much stuff as you can before you pack (start now) so you’re only moving what you need.

             You can save money on boxes if you’re on a budget by repurposing some. My last move, our super let me take a bunch of big clean boxes that were going to to recycling & when I was in college I used to stop by Barnes and Noble and get their clean book boxes – it always felt wasteful to pay for cardboard boxes that were going to be thrown away immediately (except for wardrobe boxes which are worth it!). You can often find people giving them away on CL, too.

             Bubble wrap for breakables.

             1. Also, since you’re moving nearby – gather all the stuff that needs dry cleaning and drop it off before you move and then it’s clean and ready to wear when you’re unpacking. I always did this with about a week’s worth of work clothes although maybe less of an issue now.

          3. Yea I’m aware of that.

       2. I also use kitchen linens to wrap glassware and dishes.

          1. Bed linens are great for wrapping up picture frames. Just tape over the hardware to prevent snags.

    2. Packing paper and dish pack boxes. Bubble wrap is okay for bigger things, but packing paper is way better for smaller things. I’ve moved cross country several times without breaking a single thing. The dish pack boxes are expensive, but I’ve used them for three moves so far and they’re still in good shape (we just break them down flat and store them in a closet or under the bed). I also hold on to all of the bubble wrap mailers I get from online shopping and use those to “wrap” less fragile things.

    3. For moderately fragile things (somewhere between clothing and glassware) I’ve had luck packing with loose shredding. Save your junk mail for a while and then freshly shred as you pack.

    4. One great thing about NY is that there is a LOT of choice in movers/services – when we left the city (14 years ago now) there were lots of movers who would deliver you the boxes and then take them away again at the end of the move. There are also movers who deliver crates and garment boxes so you can literally move your clothing from the closet to being hung in the garmet box). Ask for personal recs – we adored our movers and recommended them to everyone (looks like they’re still in business – upstairsdownstairsmoving.com)
       For the day you move I think there have been lots of advice – pack a suitcase as if you’re going on a 3-day trip including your toiletries. Personally move anything valuable (jewelry, art) and make sure to bring TP/cleaning supplies – hand soap, paper towels, counter spray, etc./trash can/box cutter/any pet food if you have pets/towels/sheets/and maybe those stick up room darkening shades you can get on amazon (I remember the first night in our house being awful as the slat blinds blocked out almost none of the light). If you’re staying in NYC I wouldn’t worry about packing coffeemaker/cups/plates etc. as you can so easily have everything delivered.

    5. If you can get your hands on some liquor boxes they are perfect for glasses as they have the dividers in them. Not sure if you can order something like this?

       1. You can sometimes get them at Trader Joe’s.

          1. Or local liquor stores will often give them away

       2. I bought boxes like this with dividers on Amazon the last time I moved.

    6. Amazon sells dish packing kits and glass packing kits. Pretty affordably and then you fit them into the boxes. Bubble wrap is expensive and paper is not. If you pack a box well and tightly, generally most items, except the most absolutely delicate things, will just need paper and not bubble wrap. You can also use towels as a bottom/top layer in every box to help cushion everything, although if you don’t have laundry in-unit that might not work.
       Pack a laundry basket or suitcase with TP, hand soap, a hand towel or paper towels for the bathroom. You can bring over paper plates and plastic silverware if you want or just do pizza that first day.

    7. Your local liquor store probably has a ton of boxes they would give you. Those are great for heavy stuff like books. Newspaper make for good wrapping for breakables/dishes. . . . Get more package tape than you think you’ll need and a few sharpies to label the boxes.

    8. Very clearly label all of your boxes. It’s not just “kitchen” it’s “food” or “dishes” or “pots and pans.” Have an “open first” box(es) with your daily toiletries and shower stuff, TP, towels for your first shower, bedding for the bed you will sleep in the first night, shower curtain and rings (if needed, depending on your shower setup), PJs, and clothes for the next day. Also some Raid or other bug killer. That first night you are going to be exhausted and dirty/sweaty, so all you are going to want to do is make your bed, shower, and sleep. If you have time to bring stuff over in advance, I would recommend some paper towels, trash bags, and some paper plates and plastic utensils so you can eat one or two meals before you have to unpack everything to find your dishes and silverware.

       You don’t need a fancy dish pack or anything, just lots of packing paper to separate dishes and bunch in around them. If the moving company offers wardrobe boxes to use day-of, take them up on that. Use them for all of your hanging clothes, but also the bottoms of them are great for all the big things that don’t really fit in boxes (exercise ball/yoga mat, clothes drying rack, etc.). The movers will likely disassemble all of your lamps and pack the shades and bulbs separately – if you do not want them to spend their time (aka your $$) doing that, do it yourself ahead of time. They will also pack wall art into flat packs – I found it worth it time-wise for them to do that for me, but you may not. Definitely move yourself anything that is very precious or valuable to you or extremely fragile. This is obviously less of an issue on a local move, but if you would be beside yourself if grandma’s vase broke, just carry it over yourself the day before you move.

       If you are going to position a rug under your bed I highly recommend getting the movers to unroll and place the rug before they assemble and place the bed. Getting a rug under a bed is very difficult and it’s so much easier to just do it first. I have found this to be less of a problem for couches and tables because those are much easier to move.

       1. Deflate the exercise ball before moving!

12. I’m in the market for some new clothes for summer. I haven’t lost baby weight (even after a year), but now I’m at the point of thinking “scr3w it – I’ll get some nice clothes in a bigger size rather than just feel like crap.” We’re traveling to Europe this summer, and I’d like to get some dresses, skirts, and tops that are cool and breezy. Any recommendations on stores to try? I’m a size 16 at the moment.

    1. If it’s in-budget, Altheta has some of my favorite travel items. ON may have lower-cost items that are similar.

       1. Athleta clothes are really forgiving of size fluctuations too. I always feel better about buying bigger sizes when I know I can still wear them if I drop the weight.

          1. Also, Athleta has nylon fabric pants each year that don’t absorb sweat and are easily washable and dry quickly if needed (you mentioned a baby — I was on rinse-repeat with my clothes back in the day). Also shorts/skorts that look nice but save you from any thigh chafing. I have gotten some cute dresses there in the past that are comfy for walking and have pockets, but have yet not tried any current offerings (which seem to be very smart casual and include shirt dresses). The Pranayama cardigan has pockets and can be good for layering / nursing cover if you need that at all.

    2. What kind of budget, and what kind of style/clothes? Do you like the current prairie trends (tiers, large sleeves, prints) or do you want more classic cuts, are you looking for “washable and inexpensive” or “quality and longevity,” etc.

    3. I’m up a couple sizes, and recently gave myself permission to buy gently used pieces off Poshmark, and I feel so much better having items that fit! I need mine sadly for work events, so I’m buying blazers and dresses, but it’s nice to be excited about “new” clothes.

       Check out J.Jill if you want a new store. I’m also a 16 and wear a Large there.

       1. ++ J Jill

    4. I have a Quince linen dress in it’s way that I’m very excited about! I’m going to lean into linen this summer. Dresses are also more accommodating to weight changes than pants and shorts.

       I will also add my evergreen plug in for high quality thrift / resale / consignment stores. I basically have a whole pandemic wardrobe in a larger size because of my weight gain that I spent less than $300 on. Now that I’m fitting into more and more of my old clothes, I will sell most of it back to the same thrift store.

13. I wore an MMLF dress yesterday after 2+ years. It wasn’t even a sheath but man, I have gotten accustomed to midi-length fuller skirts (not full-on prairie-core though). I felt really . . . dressy? It felt almost body-con in comparison but it was one of the A-line styles (the Emily), so not even a sheath.

    1. I’ve got a closet full of sheath dresses that I have been dying to find an appropriate place to wear – but they feel too formal for any of my outings. I go to the office a few times a month and am in a creative field – is this something that I can pair with loafers to ‘dress them down’?

       1. I find that a cardigan – not necessarily a jacket one, although those can work, too – can kind of dress down a sheath dress. Especially maybe a printed/patterned cardigan, like Talbot’s Charming cardigans. Or maybe a longer v-neck one for a less preppy look.

14. What fitness tracker should I get? I’ve used Fitbits for a decade and generally been happy with them but figure it’s worth considering.
    I use it for calorie tracking and expenditure as well as sleep tracking mostly.

    -I like the Fitbit app/interface, and have some friends who use Fitbits so it’s fun to do competitions together
    -I’m a big day hiker/climber/paddler and I like that Garmins have GPS Trakback and (I think) emergency notifications. It seems to have better battery life than any others (one is even solar) but I worry about how heavy/big it looks since I’m very petite and it might be aggressive for everyday wear.
    -I use an iPhone so an Apple Watch is an option too

    1. If you want sleep tracking, I love my Garmin Venu. The apple watch’s battery life isn’t good enough for it to be a sleep tracker, from what I understand.

       1. I disagree with this re battery. I like my Apple Watch way more than I thought I would for fitness and sleep. I charge mine from 7-9pm-ish every day so that I can wear it to bed. I think the Fitbit’s sleep app is better than Apple’s but there are third-party apps that may be better for Apple that i just haven’t tried yet.

          1. Fitbits sleep tracking is also wayyyyy better than Garmins!

    2. For climbing and paddling you might like an Apple watch with cell service. You can set it to make an emergency call after a fall, and the cell service allows you to leave your phone on shore.

15. I’ve slacked on filling in MFP for a few months and so I’m getting back to being diligent, and HOLY CR@P I had no idea how much sodium I was eating! In my head I was making great choices (lean meats, lots of produce, minimal sugar) but I totally missed the salt…which of course was all that was left for flavor, since I barely eat fat or sugar. *face palm* UGH balancing nutrition with convenience is hard, y’all.

    1. Add fat. I don’t think a bit of fat is bad in and of itself and helps with nutrient absorption. I am always shocked by how much sodium there is in prepared food, so I try to just cook from scratch to the extent possible (e.g., rice vs packaged rice pilaf, muffins from scratch vs prepared or from a mix, etc.).

       1. Thank you, but no. I have no gallbladder, so I’m not operating under average parameters.

          1. FWIW, I had my gallbladder out a few years ago and I don’t have to restrict fat at all. I do find a bit of discomfort when I eat kara-age fried chicken so I just limit that quantity, but otherwise I have butter on my toast, cookies, cook with olive oil and butter, etc., and it’s totally been fine.

             1. I’m glad to hear that others have more luck. I unfortunately have bad reactions to fats and added sugars (thankfully fruit is okay).

    2. Why live like that? Tracking every morsel is just joy depriving.

       1. Disagree. I track everything I eat and for me it encourages everything in moderation. I still eat fun and unhealthy things (I had pizza and 3 margaritas yesterday!), but it encourages me to make better choices on non-treat meals

       2. Because I prioritize health over willful obliviousness to consequences.

          1. Lololololol, there are plenty of ways to prioritize health that don’t involve an app.

       3. For you, not for everyone. Some people have health issues and this is one way of managing them.

    3. Acid is your friend. Vinegar or lemon juice makes flavors pop. Also hot sauce.

       1. Hot sauce has hella sodium.

          1. 1 teaspoon sriracha has 100 mg sodium, whereas 1/4 teaspoon salt has 581 mg sodium.

             1. lol. And a teaspoon of sugar is 100% sugar.

          2. Maybe if you’re drinking a whole bottle.

          3. 1 tsp of Tobasco has 35 mg of sodium, and 1 tsp of Crystal hot sauce has 130 mg of sodium. I’ve never used more than a few dashes of either though.

       2. +1 to acid. Often when you think food needs salt, it actually needs some acid.

    4. is adding cooked onions or garlic an option for flavor? adding other spices to food?

       1. When I cook, I add the other spices before I add salt. I usually use less salt that way.

    5. “Balancing nutrition with convenience” makes me think you are eating a lot of processed foods or restaurant foods. That’s where the sodium really comes from, much more so than salt you add to recipes for flavor. Bread and baked goods are a huge and sneaky source. To keep my sodium intake down to about 2,000 mg/day, which is the only way for me not to be miserably bloated, I have to cut out all packaged bread, baked goods, frozen dinners, lunchmeat, and restaurant food; minimize my consumption of home-baked bread and baked goods; use only unsalted broth, canned tomatoes, and canned beans in my cooking; and cut the salt in most recipes by about half.

    6. Is high blood pressure an issue for you? (I eat as much salt as I want.)

       1. I could do that until I was around 40.

          1. Yes… I am anticipating that shift (for my mom, it happened later, around 50, but I’m sure it’s coming), but I’m also enjoying my salt while I can!

16. Last night I dropped some kids off at an athletic field for practice – there are always cars parked in the loading zone so I normally pull into one of the 4 handicap parking spots and let them off there, and then drive around to look for a parking spot afterwards. Last night I dropped them off and decided I needed to tell my mom something so I called her (I have blue tooth) and was talking to her for a few minutes when a man and his daughter came up to the driver’s side window, tapped at it and was talking to me. I pulled down the window and he started yelling at me that I was parked in a handicap spot, do I not understand what those are for, etc. I was spooked by his hostility when other spots were clearly open right next to me, but I didn’t argue with him, I just said apologized. He continued to scold me and I was shaken by it and almost cried. What would you have done? Obviously parking there is not okay but I didn’t think of myself as being parked I guess? Also, I was tempted to not pull down my window – would you have in this situation? Is it also wrong to use a handicap stall at a bathroom or is that different?

    1. 1) I don’t roll down my window or open my front door to talk to people I don’t know. I can hear them just fine through the glass. If that bothers them, then it is further confirmation that opening the window/door is the wrong choice.

       2) I probably said “You’re right, and I should have moved my car after dropping off my kids and before making this call, but I forgot. No need to be a complete d*ck about it, but hopefully it makes you feel better about yourself”.

       3) I will use a handicapped stall because it is in-and-out, unlike a parking spot.

       1. +all 3

       2. Pretty much this, but I would probably be a little more strongly worded in #2 because I really have no tolerance for people yelling at me.

          1. Yep, this. It happens. People need to chill out.

             1. The person who needs to chill out would be the one taking the #2 advice above. Being caught being in the wrong (sitting there parked in handicapped spot IS wrong) doesn’t mean you get to escalate and reactively use fowl language at a parent in front of his kid. (Also, this may come as a surprise, but that parent who scolded may also be someone with a heart condition or neuropathy who is wiped out or in pain from just having to have slogged across a parking lot unnecessarily.)

             2. People need to stay out of disabled parking unless they have a placard.

                When it happens to you repeatedly and stops you from accessing places you need to be, it’s enormously frustrating.

                Also, stay out of disabled toilets unless you are disabled.

       3. I also agree with all three, particularly number 1. I never, ever roll down my window if I don’t know the person.

    2. You were very much in the wrong. Don’t use disabled parking spots if you aren’t disabled.

       1. I think the intent was fine – temporary use of one spot for a drop off when there was nowhere else to pull over. OP should have moved out of it promptly, but didn’t deserve an avalanche of yelling. Particularly when the other, multiple, spots were open in case of someone’s need to use them!

          1. No, Cat, the intent was not fine. Using disabled parking illegally is not fine.

       2. While I don’t think you should park in disabled spots, if there are three other spots available you’re really not inconveniencing anyone and the man was out of line to yell at her like that. Two wrongs don’t make a right!

          1. Actually… not all handicapped spots are created equal. They are always close to the entrance for the mobility-impaired, but some of them are also next to a large empty space (has diagonal blue lines) for loading and unloading wheel chairs.

             Just don’t park in a handicapped spot okay?

             1. Yes do not park in handicap spots! This board likes to talk a big talk about being inclusive to disabled people yet they won’t afford them this very basic courtesy, Ugh.

             2. God this. My disabled spouse has been blocked in for long periods by idiots who think “I’m just running in”. PLEASE don’t be this person.

             3. There is a big difference between “just running in” and sitting in your car.

             4. No, there’s not. If you’re in that space, for whatever reason, the disabled person may not be able to get out of their vehicle to tell you they need it and to get out of it.

             5. No. “I’ll just be a minute” is peak entitlement. It’s not ok. Put your car somewhere else.

             6. +1000. this board is full of virtue signaling idiots.

             7. Anon at 1:38 – are you including yourself in that categorization? Corollary question: why are you here, then?

    3. It’s fine to use the accessible stall if you’ll only be in there briefly and always defer to someone who needs it (not just wheelchair users, so it might not be immediately obvious from appearance). If you’re going to need a lot of time, then I’d use another stall so that it’s open for someone who comes in with urgent needs.

       1. Please don’t do this.

          1. Don’t use a handicap bathroom stall? (Not the poster you’re responding to.)

             1. They’re referring to a parking stall, not bathroom.

             2. I’m pretty sure this poster was talking about the bathroom stall.

          2. I’m the one who posted this comment, and I’m talking about bathrooms, in response to OPs question. It’s important to make sure the accessible stall is open to anyone who needs it with no more than a brief wait, but it’s obviously ridiculous to not use half the stalls in the bathroom and have a line out the door (most bathrooms at my workplace are two stall).

             1. I should add, if the bathroom is empty, don’t go for the accessible stall. But when it’s the only option and you’ll be quick, go ahead and use it (I guess I feel strongly about this as I have a disability myself, which causes bladder pain and urgency, so waiting for bathrooms can be tough, but I don’t “look” disabled).

             2. Like Anon at 10:56, if the bathroom is empty, I don’t use the accessible stall. When there’s a line for the bathroom, absolutely everyone needs to use all available stalls and be quick with your business, so people can get in and out of the bathroom.

             3. You aren’t saying this but a few others in this thread seem to imply that people with non-visible disabilities need the wheelchair accessible stall and I am trying to understand why.

                Other than someone whose medical equipment, mobility issues, or physical size dictates the need for the larger stall, in what scenarios would the accessible stall specifically be required? I don’t understand why bladder pain or urgency would mean someone cannot use any open stall.

             4. Maybe someone with a disability doesn’t use mobility aids but has difficulty removing clothing and needs more space? There are a lot of disabilities that you personally might not be familiar with.

             5. Anon @ 1:10, if you don’t need the larger stall and there are regular stalls available, it’s rude to take the handicap stall because someone who needs it might enter the restroom while you are using it. If you don’t actually need the handicap stall and you have other options, you should leave it open for whoever might come along and actually need it.

          3. In a similar vein to the accent discussion yesterday, where do people call parking spots parking stalls? I’m familiar enough with the term to know what they’re talking about, but it’s never a term I’d use and it didn’t ever occur to me there would be confusion about this. I’ve lived in the Midwest, SE, and West Coast and never hear it. Is it a NE term? Where I grew up, the parking spots are often found in the parking ramp, which is a very specific regional term!

             1. People referring to “stalls” in this thread are talking about bathroom stalls, not parking spots. The OP mentioned the related question about bathroom stalls at the end of the post.

             2. Sorry for my reading comprehension fail! But Google has over a million hits for the phrase “parking stall” and it is an alternative to “parking space”, hence my confusion.

             3. I’m in the Chicago area, and I do very occasionally hear it, but it tends to be in more technical conversations about parking lots.

       2. No, it’s not. Stay out of there unless disabled.

          Read about Chrohns disease and ulcerative colitis. Some disabled people can’t wait.

    4. What I would have done: Not put down window. Through the glass: “Oop, you’re right, I was just moving!” Raise window, smile, wave, leave parking spot.

       It’s completely different from a handicap stall in a bathroom. It’s fine to use handicap stalls in the bathroom because at most you’re in there for just a few minutes. Likewise I think it’s fine to idle in a handicap spot, as you were doing, because if someone pulled up who needed the space, you could immediately move. What is not ok (and is distinct from what you were doing) is to park in a handicap spot and leave your car, even for just a few minutes. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt, maybe he assumed that was what you planned to do after you finished up your phone call – he had no way to know you were about to leave.

       1. In this case, the other driver could see OP idling, but that’s not necessarily true in every handicap spot situation. I really, really avoid parking in one at all costs. My husband once got towed in a handicap spot (it was a single spot on a busy street and not well marked) and he felt AWFUL. Totally not worth the angst, the feeling of being ablist, etc.

       2. Jolene, you are wrong.

          Unless disabled, stay out of disabled parking spaces and disabled toilets. You are stopping people who need them. Our lives are hard enough already.

    5. Handicapped stalls in the bathrooms are completely different. If no one uses them, you can create a longer line than the bathroom is designed for. Moreover, that’s where the baby changing tables are usually located, and parents often use them when taking younger kids into the bathroom.

    6. I would never use a handicap parking space for any length of time. In a public restroom, I will take the handicap stall if there are no other stalls available AND there is no one who may require the larger stall (wheelchair user, walker user, mom with stroller or small children, etc.) in line behind me.

    7. You should have moved your car before making the call. Driving a car does not mean you have the right to put it anywhere you like. See also: parking in bike lanes.

       1. +1

    8. I would have apologized and moved my car. I’m sorry this is absolute nonsense you were parked there.

       Like “I didn’t think of myself as parked” like it’s not an emotion? It’s the reality of your not moving car.

       Nothing at all like using a handicapped bathroom stall which is fine.

       1. Good point – the fact that people randomly use handicapped spots for dropoff and pickup is very erasing of disability (“see, the spots are always empty!”)

    9. Handicap stalls in the bathroom are open for everyone’s use but designed for handicapped people. Like the seats on a bus.

       They are not marked with placards that say “reserved parking”.

       You should not use a handicapped parking spot, ever. Wait in the loading zone until there is room. Absolutely don’t take a call there.

       In a bathroom, handicapped stalls are not just for the disabled. They are often where the baby changing table is, and where parents with multiple kids needing supervision go.

       1. Or just park and walk the kids over.

          1. This is what I always have to do because jerks like to park in the loading zone.

    10. First of all, I’m SO sorry. You didn’t deserve being yelled at like that. I can see how I would’ve felt really upset in that situation.
        People are really angry and hostile these days. Many people would’ve done the same thing as you did and given there were other spots, you were about to leave, you did not get out of your car etc., it is totally understandable. Try to roll your eyes and move on.
        A random driver flipped me the finger when I felt I had done nothing wrong (was slower than he would’ve liked) and I felt similarly.

    11. You shouldn’t have been taking a call there period. Getting scolded by a stranger sure beats being disabled and not having the double space to unload a wheelchair or being forced to go from a distance when the exertion saps the rest of your energy for the day. I’d remember that I’m lucky in life to be abled and stop trying to justify the behavior hours later. The time for a group of kids getting gathered and then talking on a call on top of it means you were parked, even if it didn’t “feel” like it to you.

        1. Agreed.

    12. Ugh. You don’t deserve to be yelled at. He was out of line for that.

        I probably wouldn’t have rolled down the window unless I knew the person.

        You really should avoid handicapped spots, even for drop off.

        I would have done what you did, “I’m sorry, I’m moving.” Really try to minimize the interaction, not engage, and just focus on getting away.

        1. Yes, being scolded made OP feel uncomfortable, but she did something wrong so feeling uncomfortable is a natural consequence of that.

           1. She didn’t feel uncomfortable because she parked in a handicapped spot. She felt uncomfortable because she got yelled at by a stranger.

              1. Did she? Or was some of her discomfort a defensive reaction because she knows she was in the wrong? I suspect the latter.

              2. She knew she did the wrong thing. Coming here to try and justify herself is ablist and wrong.

                 Stay out of disabled parking and disabled toilets.

                 One in five people, there’s lots of us around.

                 I’m in a wheelchair but not everyone has a mobility aid.

    13. What would I have done? Not parked in a handicapped spot.

        1. Excellent advice! Hope OP follows it in future.

    14. When I was 20, my friend and I were at a gas station and she parked in the handicap spot. A man came over and asked her not to do that, and he explained he had a special needs child and how much people needs that spot. It was kind but firm. Neither of us has EVER parked in a handicap spot again. We were wrong but his grace stayed with me.

    15. I’m sorry that you were yelled at, it seems it got to be a double whammy of fright and shame, and that feels overwhelming and sucks. Please do stop the normal routine of using the handicap spots as your loading zone, though. That’s probably the best takeaway. He was rude, but you were the one in the wrong, and the strength of his reaction probably does say something about the amount of trouble he or somebody he knows regularly has to be able to use their designated spaces wherever they are.

        Any chance that your field could sort out the trouble of people parking in the actual loading zone, though?

    16. As a wheelchair user, you did the wrong thing.

        You were stopping a disabled person from using the spot.

        In this situation you should have apologised and immediately moved.

        Don’t do it again.

17. Anyone see this article in the NYTimes this morning? I so identified with Abra’s comments (and the woman trying to figure out what to wear to a company meeting). I have 3 work trips in May/June with senior folks and I’ve given up shopping in person for work clothes, I’m just ordering online and hoping stuff fits. Also I had to laugh at the ‘I work with boomers’ comment, so true!
    https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/29/business/casual-workwear-clothes-office.html

    1. Ha: “In fact, the retail industry has so fully embraced softer and stretchier styles that some professionals say they have had to turn to used clothing sites to find appropriately formal clothing for law firms and government jobs.” Preach! Our firm puts on a big annual seminar – it’s one of the biggest events in our industry – and it’s in-person this year for the first time in a couple years, and we were firmly told that we need to be business formal to put our best foot forward with clients we’re seeing for the first time in years. I posted above about having gone up a couple sizes and needing to order business clothes off Poshmark. We’re “workleisure” in the office when there aren’t any clients around, but when we’re with clients, it’s dry clean only.

    2. Yup. I’m in the office 3-4 days a week and am wearing the LOFT/J Crew level of business Casual that I was pre-pandemic. Honestly I love both going in and getting dressed for work (no more heels or pencil skirts for me but that’s more fashion changing than getting more casual). I’m mostly wearing thrifted clothes or clothes that I already owned, so my work wardrobe isn’t the most current but as discussed – on trend pieces that are office appropriate hardly exist now. So, I stick to the “classic” clothing but have more current accessories (hoop earrings, trench coat, and my office shoes are now horse bit mules.

       Luckily, due to being a pear, I was already wearing work pants with hidden elastic/no zippers (Old Navy has had good options). I like soft pants that don’t look like soft pants :)

       All said, I’m thrilled to be in the office (now with coworkers!), and in real clothes. Online I often feel like I’m the only one but it’s so, so great to be back.

    3. The boomers I work with are always the worst-dressed people in the room.

       1. Based on formality or style?

          1. All of the above, plus their clothes are usually rumpled and fraying at the collar.

          2. Ill-fitting, dated, worn looking “formal” business clothing is far worse than more casual clothing that is clean, fresh, fits well and has some style.

          3. They like to wear things that they can make themselves think tick the box for formality, but miss the mark. Like the guy who wears faded black pleated Dockers, black athletic shoes, a jacket, an oxford shirt, and a tie left over from the 1970s when the dress code is business formal. Or the woman whose “suit” is actually a two-piece rayon challis dress from 1993.

             1. Haha this so perfectly describes what happens in my office!!

             2. Or, are these the people putting kids through college, paying for weddings, etc. who are prioritizing their budget to those things and not to new work clothes?

             3. Given their salaries, I don’t think budget is the issue.

       2. Can we not with the ageist comments?

    4. I am so annoyed at MMLF for its pivot to work pajamas. I have never actually seen anyone wearing any of their weird frumpy synthetic jackets, and now my options for work-appropriate dresses are even more limited. I don’t know who is buying these ridiculous clothes. If I’m going to dress casually it will be in comfortable natural fibers and flattering silhouettes, not cheap-looking overpriced synthetic garbage.

       At my big meeting yesterday a 70-something bigwig male lawyer was wearing a suit jacket, shirt, and tie with Vuori joggers, Tevas, and socks. Two years ago he always wore suit pants and shoes. I have no idea what the world is coming to. At least the socks were black.

       1. A company that I used to adore – Elizabeth & Clarke – did this a few years ago. They stared creating expensive ‘business pajamas’ and I think it put them out of business. I missed their structured tops and workwear.

    5. I worked in the head office of a gigantic corporation from 2006-2020, and I can count the times I wore a suit on half of one hand. Starting in 2018 we were allowed to dress even more casually than business casual if we weren’t meeting clients or presenting to senior management (for which I generally wore a nice blouse or sweater and skirt). I feel like the shift to casual was well underway before 2020.

    6. A boomer I work with once tried to get into the state supreme court wearing shorts, soooooo…

       1. Oooh – is is open season on making gross overgeneralization about people based on age??? Cool:

          I work with a whole bunch of Millennials who show up for work in sleeveless sheath dresses with no jacket or cardigan, three inches above their knees, and with no hose or tights and then complain loudly that they are freezing (our AC is set for men in pants and long sleeve shirts because we are a law firm full of people making court appearances). Or the one who was fired from a case by a client because she showed up for court (where she knew she had to take off her jacket to get through security) in a lacy camisole. Or the ones who showed up at the office in yoga pants and flip flops on a day when we had clients in.

          And don’t even get me started on young “professionals” these days and their inability to walk 3 feet down the hall or attend a client meeting without looking at their phones. And then they complain they have not made partner after being lawyers for a grand total of 5 years and no substantive trial experience.

          Now do you see how ridiculous this is? This is me crying out into the void yet again that people stop with the casual agism. I am a woman over 50 and I have to tell you that you think discrimination based solely on gender is bad? Wait 20 years and then have fun listening to Gen Y’ers complaining about how frumpy and out of touch you are while you are stuck in a job you hate because employers are “not looking for someone that senior.”

          1. Thank you. I’m 33 and was getting mad at the ageism on this thread.

             1. agreed.
                Also women who wear minimal clothes and are always cold KILL me. I had a work friend like this and that factor was why we were never close – like, what was she missing?? There is an easy solution here. Get a grip.

    7. This Boomer is never going back. My one ironclad rule, for YEARS, was “no denim in the office,” and today I’m wearing jeans, AT Loft blouse in a fun print, lightweight blue leather jacket cut to look like a jeans jacket, New Balance sneakers in a fun color. Hoop earrings.

       Never. going. back.

       1. I am jealous! I am close to your age but in litigation and am struggling to find anything that does not look like 2015 to wear to court. I can get away with dressy flats but still need something that approaches a suit a few times a week and am trying to put together a selection of 5 outfits for an upcoming trial and just not finding much in stores.

18. Help me do something kind for my team. We are an in-person working group due to the nature of our jobs, and a colleague of ours is now on an unexpected medical leave for the foreseeable future. We are in the busiest time of year for our office, AND I am now WFH because I have everyone’s favorite v!rus. I’ll be back in the office on Wednesday. Folks have all risen to the occasion and then some. I cannot give time off — what would you do or send if you were me in order to share your gratitude? Team of six.

    1. Take them out to lunch

       1. Preferably somewhere good. I really hate pretending to be so thrilled about another sh*tty chain restaurant meal.

       2. Not unless she has tested negative for COVID. If she’s returning to work based on the CDC’s ridiculous new 5-day guideline, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her.

       3. Bring grab-friendly food in instead. Or send gift cards. Not everyone is going to want to be pressured to eat together, especially knowing a member may not be testing negative consistently yet.The senior role sort of sets up that dynamic.

       4. I prefer going out to lunch because I get a real break. If my boss gave me a gift card for take out or brought in grab and go foods, I’d feel pressured to eat while I work

    2. Cash or a gift card with a lot of flexibility to use it. Going to lunch could feel more like an imposition since they have an increased workload and it’s your busiest time of year.

       1. Coffee gift cards could be fun

    3. I would give them food delivery gift cards in an amount that would cover lunch + delivery + tip.

    4. I would stay home until I was consistently testing negative.

    5. Give each a big food delivery gift card or have meals sent in for a few days and also send each an email expressing your appreciation and including what you are going to say in their annual review about their above and beyond work during this period.

    6. Thanks all! I love these ideas. And for those assuming I am irresponsibly returning to the office, I am already testing negative.

19. Has anyone here ever disclaimed an inheritance to preserve the relationships with the family? Assume that the amount of money is fairly significant but not materially significant to you, if that makes sense. The executor/heir in this case is overwhelmed with grief and doesn’t really want to handle it and in fact is being obstinate, the other heir doesn’t want to ask them to carry out their duties, We are already behind with certain IRS filings,and I wonder if it’s just better if I disclaim rather than getting more and more angry and resentful about the money I am personally spending to figure out how to unwind this. It’s also a complicated estate involving two countries.

    1. This is why you hire attorneys. It saves time and money. Their fees come out of the estate before heirs are paid.

       If the executor doesn’t want to deal with the mess, then the three of you need to agree to the appointment of a different executor, if an alternate is nor provided for in the Will.

       1. To be clear, we have multiple attorneys in the US and the other country to handle the foreign and tax aspects. That’s what I’m paying for. But the executor doesn’t want to do any of the catch-up filings, or do them with all due haste (so now My family is in arrears).

          1. Why aren’t the attorneys doing their job?

    2. I requested to have a lawyer appointed to handle something like this. I did it to protect another recipient to whom the money is material.

    3. I’m not sure exactly what your potential disagreements are with your family members, but here’s my story.

       My grandfather disinherited his son and left his estate to me and one of my cousins (not $100k total, but an amount that was helpful for sure). My uncle was understandably angry and devastated. I gave him half the bank account that I inherited, hoping to preserve family peace. It didn’t work— his anger that should have been directed at his dead father was instead directed at me, and most of that part of my family no longer speaks to me. I found out through this experience that nothing I did would ever have been enough.

       So, if the estate is causing you grief and you want to do so, there’s nothing wrong with disclaiming to help yourself. But if you think it will mend any already fraught relationships, it unfortunately won’t.

       1. +1

          I went to great lengths to ensure my dad remembered other relatives in estate planning documents rather than leave everything to me. I still got treated horribly by these relatives in his last days and after he died and I have no relationship with them.

          The only benefits of me have significantly less money is that I now know their character and I feel absolutely zero obligation to them.

          1. Precisely! It was painful at first for me, but I know I did everything possible and see their true character.

    4. Also, the person passed 17 months ago if that matters.

    5. Is the issue dealing with the estate? If the amount is significant, it could make sense to hire someone or appoint another family member to deal with it. Something like this happened in my family — my cousin was the appointed executor but filed paperwork to have her mom, a recently retired and bored tax accountant, handle it. Worked out better for everyone.

    6. My mom disclaimed part of her inheritance to preserve her relationship with her sister. My mom and her sister jointly inherited their my grandmother’s house. My grandmother had been sick for a long time, and my aunt had moved in with her to help take care of her, and also because my aunt’s house needed extensive repairs that my aunt couldn’t afford. My mom didn’t want to be in the position of having to pay taxes on the house so her sister could continue living there, or being the bad guy who didn’t pay taxes and forced her sister out of the house. So she disclaimed the inheritance, which forced my aunt to sell my grandmother’s house and use the money to fix her house and also to fight a lengthy but worthy family court battle. I’m 100% sure that if my mom hadn’t let go of her share of the house, she would still be paying taxes on it (20 years later) while her sister lived there and let her own house fall apart. And my mom also would have paid more of the legal fees from the family court thing.

    7. Qualified disclaimers for IRS purposes should be made within nine months. You need to talk with an attorney to find out what effect, if any, a disclaimer would actually have on your inheritance/tax liabilities.

       1. Yeah, that’s on the US side but the estate took more than nine months to even resolve who the heirs are formally in the foreign country So I’m hoping that there is still more time to disclaim, if it’s even possible in this country where the estate is being separated under forced inheritance laws.

20. After yesterday’s comment, I looked at dressMeLinen and I love their designs. Can the commentor who purchased from both them and Not Perfect Linen weigh in on any differences between the two? Is the fabric the same or lighter? TIA!

    1. Fabric is the same. For both, when my size fits in the ranges for two sizes, I order the bigger one.
       I bought this dress and it’s really flattering. Cut on the bias so it doesn’t just look like a sack, but still loose.
       https://www.etsy.com/listing/829923264/natural-linen-strap-dress-rom-linen?click_key=76a47b7bb6383c761a802b05b32c7ad2fc8751c6%3A829923264&click_sum=ecde2401&ref=shop_home_active_6&crt=1
       Now it just needs to get warm enough to wear it . . .

       1. Thanks!

       2. I love this dress! Might order…

       3. Love it too! May order as well. Thanks so much for recommending and the link!

21. Where should we go on our honeymoon??

    Will likely be December. Coming from the Bay Area – SJC is our closest airport, but can absolutely fly out of OAK or SFO if needed. Would like to go somewhere tropical (not Hawaii or Florida), OR Italy/Greece. We probably can do 7-10 days. Budget is mid-range – not hostels, but certainly not unlimited. We’re definitely open to all-inclusive places, but have never stayed at one so don’t have experience – also open to hotels/airbnbs. Beaches, hiking, food, and relaxation are important. No cruises!! Any recommendations would be much appreciated!

    1. Do not even consider Italy or Greece in December if you want beaches. The Mediterranean is cold! Beach towns are essentially closed.

       I would fly to Sydney and also go north to the Great Barrier Reef and the world’s best beaches.

       1. +1 – Italy and Greece are milder than the US in winter but definitely not “in season” then.

          When you say “mid range” budget for that length of trip, what do you mean? $5K? $10K?

    2. Costa Rica. No actual suggestions, as I’ve never been there, but it seems to fit your parameters and is as close to the Bay Area as almost any other tropical destination.

       1. Agree on Costa Rica. Fly into San Jose and then stay near Manuel Antonio (a few hours drive, but stunningly beautiful) or fly into Liberia and stay in one of the countless incredible beachfront hotels within driving distance of there. For hiking/nature, you could go for part of the trip to somewhere near Arenal (La Fortuna and Monteverde are good options if you’re doing the Liberia option, or going to the mountains inland from Manuel Antonio if you’re choosing the southern option.) Costa Rica is amazingly built for tourism but easy to find places that aren’t overrun, so if that’s your honeymoon goal I think its a perfect option.

    3. I would strongly consider Tahiti or elsewhere in French Polynesia if you can swing it.

       1. I agree French Polynesia, especially Bora Bora, is unbelievably romantic and beautiful, but I don’t think there’s a whole lot of hiking there? So I’m not sure it’s up OP’s alley. St. Lucia and Puerto Rico are probably the best tropical islands for hiking (excluding Hawaii, which she says she doesn’t want).

          1. There is a decent amount of hiking in Moorea and Tahiti. Bora Bora hikes might be more likely to be classified as walks, but still very beautiful.

             PR and St. Lucia are a trek from the west coast with at least one layover, and PR especially doesn’t come close to French Polynesia in my opinion.

    4. Cabo San Lucas is a short flight and will be warm, plus they have a ton of all-inclusive resorts in all price ranges. I have friends who go there every winter and swear by it.

       1. +1 to Cabo if Tahiti/Bora Bora is too expensive. Punta Mita is another west coast Mexico option (fly to Puerto Vallarta).

       2. I’ve only visited the eastern Mexican coast, but want to jump in and endorse the all-inclusive recommendation. Even if that is not your usual mode of travel, it’s a nice relief after a wedding to go somewhere that you don’t have to figure out and handle all the day to day details of your stay. My exH and I used to differentiate between “trips” and “vacations”. Vacations were for rest and recuperation, maybe with a few excursions out to do or see stuff if we felt like it, and trips were for packing in the experiences and seeing and doing new stuff. I’m a big fan of all inclusive for vacations because I wanted a break from decisions and effort related to food, getting to and from places, clean towels for the beach, etc. You may be glad of a vacation after getting through all the wedding stuff.

    5. My theory on honeymoons is take the longest amount of time you can (because honeymoons are the one vacation most people, even those in poor work-life balance law firms, won’t blink at if you take 2 weeks for) and then go somewhere you really need that time for because of long flight times. So in your case, I’d go probably go somewhere like French Polynesia or Australia. If you’re in the Bay area, you can go to Mexico or central america any time.

       1. I so, so, so wish we had gone to Australia. I’ve always wanted to see kangaroos and koalas and just experience that, but my globe trotting husband didn’t want a long flight, so we went to somewhere close. It was a wonderful experience and we had a great time, but I’ll always feel sad about Australia because I don’t know if I ever see an opportunity for us to do that.

       2. Agreed, but I wouldn’t put French Polynesia in the “hard to do in a week” category, especially from the West Coast. Tahiti is only an ~8 hour flight from LA, so it’s about the same as NYC to Europe. And it’s a small country and easy to get between islands (unlike, say, Australia, which you can’t possibly see in a week). I spent 6 days divided between Bora Bora and Moorea and it was lovely and perfect and I didn’t feel like I was missing out by not being able to stay a second week. Of course, you can spend more time there if you have it, but that’s true of just about any place.

       3. Echoing this! I went to Australia for my honeymoon because I anticipated it would be one of the few times career wise I could take 2 weeks off and have my company actually respect the request. I’d love to go back but realistically that won’t happen unless I negotiate an extended break between jobs.

    6. Aruba

       1. We went to Aruba for our honeymoon and LOVED IT. It’s a long haul from the West Coast, but totally worth it! I would not do an all-inclusive there because the island is known for its great restaurants, but I do recommend staying in a hotel right on the beach. I actually came here to say Costa Rica — it ticks all of your boxes and there’s a great mix of food, beach, and adventure/cool stuff like a volcano!

    7. Maldives. Seychelles. Bali. Fiji. Bora Bora.

22. After two years of WFH and general laziness I’m tired of looking so sloppy when I leave the house. I don’t have to dress up for work so I’m in joggers and t-shirts 90% of the time. I have nicer clothes, I’ve just gotten so lazy about wearing them or making any effort. I want to look more pulled-together and closer to my age (36). I’m remedying the clothing situation but my big problem is shoes. I have flat feet that pronate (roll inwards) so I need really comfortable shoes for walking. Unfortunately my comfy sneakers aren’t exactly stylish and ladylike. Any suggestions for brands or styles that are comfortable but still attractive looking? I’m thinking loafers?

    1. Sneakers are in. Keep wearing the sneakers! Ditch the joggers and t shirts for jeans and cuter t shirts

       1. Yes, sneakers. That’s pretty much all I’m wearing now, with dresses and dress pants and everything.

          1. Just wear leather or canvas fashion sneakers instead of athletic shoes.

             1. Yes, for sure. Not the same shoes you’d wear in the gym.

    2. I feel like this should be a pinned post. I’ve noted some brands/styles that work for me but it’s pretty dependent on your foot. I find kate spade has great ‘dress’ flats – I still can’t wear Rothy’s in the office if I’m seeing people (fine for sitting in an office alone all day). I’d also suggest Sperry loafers (very cushy and great for heavy travel/days with lots of standing), LK bennet flats, Bass Weejuns for classic loafers, and Boden for ‘fun’ but still office appropriate shoes.

       1. Thank you for the great suggestions!

    3. Are you wanting these shoes for wearing to the office with work clothes, or just out and about? personally, I feel unstylish and frumpy in loafers; but that’s personal preference. If you feel stylish in them, wear them! For closed-toe shoes in the spring, I prefer chelsea boots (no longer on-trend, but decently classic), fashion sneakers, closed-toe espadrilles, and (if it fits your style) oxfords.

       1. Yes, nicer shoes for socializing and dates etc now that the weather is better. I’m still WFH.

       2. +1 for frumpy in loafers. Might possibly be less so in larger sizes?

       3. I think there are frumpy loafers (classic) and fashion loafers (narrower toe, nontraditional color and/or upper material, tailored sole or lug sole). I don’t buy frumpy loafers and I definitely don’t feel frumpy in fashion loafers.

          1. Your fashion loafers are my frumpy loafers, and your frumpy loafers are maybe what I think of as old man loafers? Don’t mind any of them on other people, just myself. I absolutely loved my dockside loafers in the eighties, though.

    4. We have the same feet! I have slip on sneaker that I bought at a running store. I think the brand is Olukai or something like that. They are comfortable and supportive, but look nicer than full blown running shoes. I wear them with everything now!

       1. Thank you for the suggestion!

       2. I have Okulai slip ons and I do like them and find them pretty supportive and wear them with everything. I do find they run narrow, though.

    5. Sneakers are 100% on trend – don’t try to find non-sneakers for upscale casualwear!

    6. You can wear your sneakers. Get some jeans you like and wear a woven top rather than a knit tee and you’ll look 10 times more presentable.

       That said, pretty much the only shoes I’ve been wearing are Birkenstocks haha. I will link the ones I wear daily.

       1. https://www.birkenstock.com/us/buckley-suede-leather/buckley-suede-suedeleather-0-eva-w_1147.html

          I have these in navy. They’re somewhere between a loafer and a mule. Not the most refined shoe by a long shot but my feet are happy.

       2. That’s a really good point about fabrics. I think I need to invest in more woven type tops.

    7. Oh, and these: https://www.colehaan.com/womens-shoes-oxfords

    8. I have no idea if Converse are stylish or comfortable, but you can design your own and I just spent a very fun time making high tops. (I am particularly fond of the combination of yellow shoe with blush pink accents).

       I think slip on sneakers are good advice. Dr. Scholls often has nice ones. I have a pair with snake print that I like very much. Otherwise, maybe oxfords with a very slight heel?

       Also, don’t buy uncomfortable shoes, but consider inserts just to be a little more comfortable. One of my feel rolls in and I find that using the Dr. Scholls arch support thingies (I just get them at Target or wherever) can make any shoe more comfortable.

       1. Converse have very narrow toe boxes, but are otherwise comfortable if you like flat shoes.

          1. Converse are cute, but I also have pronating flat feet and personally prefer a shoe with a bit more support and cushioning, especially if I am walking in them for a long time. OP – YMMV but proceed with caution with Converse.

    9. I live in Tods. Expensive, yes. But mine are 9y old and look as good as new.

23. I have a direct report leaving the company next week. I am at a loss as to what to do for her. Normally I would take her to lunch or happy hour with coworkers, but we are all remote and not in the same state. Does anyone have any suggestions?

    1. At my work we’re doing e-cards and sending flowers.

    2. Have lunch delivered to her.

       1. Yes, delivering food is great, but it MUST be great food. I suggest NY Deli, if your in NYC. I remember Myrna telling me that when her cousin left a NYC job (remote), they emailed her a $5 gift card to Burger King. Somehow, that wouldn’t do it for me.

    3. I’ve been doing a lot of “gift baskets through the post from indie bakeries” for leaving gifts for the last couple of years.

    4. Send a gift card for something like coffee/a bakery/etc when she starts her new job with a card wishing her well. I’d be thrilled to get something like this to buy a coffee or treat a few or several times depending on the amount. And I’d feel appreciated by my former manager each time I did.

    5. When I left my last company, my staff gave me an open table gift certificate. I wish they hadn’t spent their money on me! But it was nice to be able to choose basically any restaurant, and I chose one quite a bit nicer than we’d usually go to specifically to celebrate and remember their generosity.

    6. These are great suggestions! Very helpful; thank you!

24. Repost: I asked this yesterday in the thread about pillows, but probably too late. A lot of people on here recommend Casper pillows. I’m a side sleeper. Should I buy the Original Casper, the Foam, the Foam + Snow, or the Hybrid? TIA

    1. I’m a side sleeper and have the original casper and like it. I have not tried the others.

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