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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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OldAnon
Please tell me if I am living in the past, rules of etiquette wise. Bad manners/verboten to tip the salon owner, yes or no?
My stylist went from working in a salon to buying a location in a sort of “salon condo” where each stylist rents space and owns their own business. So I haven’t been tipping her since she moved to this business model. It’s been awkward when paying. You put your card in a machine and go through some screens, one of which lets you choose the percentage of tip. One time I kind of muttered outloud, “oh, right, you’re the owner now . . . “ but I still feel that this may be an outdated custom that this woman, who is half my age, may not know about. I did “gift” nicely at Christmas last year, equal to maybe, oh, tips for 6 haircuts.
This is no Hair Cuttery. Haircuts and color at this place are NOT CHEAP, if that matters. Like, $80 for cut/blow that takes 20-25 minutes.
Anonymous
I tip my salon owner. I live in a small town, she is fantastic, and IMHO she undercharges. And she sometimes cuts my four year old’s hair for free.
Annie
I asked a salon owner once who said that that rule was outdated and most of her clients tipped her. She did say she didn’t mind when people didn’t tip, but I got the clear impression that I was to tip owners from now on.
OldAnon
Oh, thanks for this.
It might be part of a general trend of tipping for things we didn’t use to tip for (or for things we didn’t even have) like coffee shops, take-out orders, frozen yogurt shops, etc.)
When you think of it, it’s kind of weird, who gets tips and who doesn’t. Ya know?
Annie
Yeah – delis did not used to have tip jars.
The original Scarlett
I tip 20% in similar circumstances. I also always get an appointment with my hard to book stylist ;)
Anon
I would 100% tip. Outdated.
AOK
You tip for the service, not the level of ownership. Period.
Anonymous
You are wrong. Tip her. She doesn’t own a business she’s basically renting a chair. Tip her extra next time for bring a pedantic dolt.
ElisaR
wow.
OldAnon
No, it’s not quite like that–she DID incorporate, register a business name and all. The name of the . . . concept I guess you’d call it . . . is Salon Lofts, a “suite rental solution.” I could still be wrong, though–which is why I broached the question.
There are many points of etiquette that I learned as a child that have gone by the wayside. Again, this is why I was checking.
Anon
I think you’re severely overthinking this.
anonforthis
I go to Salon Lofts-type stylists and I always tip. I didn’t know business owners shouldn’t be tipped. If I’d normally pay $60 + 20% tip for a haircut at a corporate salon, I’d pay the same for a small business.
Anonymous
Wrong. That’s what I mean by pedantic. She doesn’t own an operate her own salon. The exception does not apply.
Anon
Yeah, I agree, you’ve got this wrong, OP. She doesn’t own a salon, she’s renting a chair. Regardless of whether the tipping etiquette is outdated (I think it is), she’s not an owner.
Anon
You are the same person who comments unnecessarily mean everyday – it’s always a somewhat reasonable if harsh truth followed by a childish insult. You have a very distinct pattern you may want to work on as I’m assuming this translates to real life as well. You realize people aren’t supposed to be as harsh out loud as they are in their head? The regular commenters generally stay civil, please get with the crowd nobody wants that sort of commenting. Everytime I read your comments I say in my head “she doesn’t even go here!” lol.
Anon
lol no it’s tons and tons of different people. It’s not all one person.
anon
Oh, wow, I’m convinced. (That said, I do notice a pattern of an OP, a snarky Anonymous comment, and then a nasty Anon comment. So maybe there’s two of you.) Also, why is it a positive thing if there’s tons and tons of people who are complete jerks commenting here?
Anonymous
It is not. It is maybe one or two people. I feel very sorry for those people and their unhappiness. But I very much wish they would realize their contributions are unwelcome and not valued here. Of course, this is attention-seeking behavior and when they get attention that rewards them…so maybe the better answer is for us to just ignore it when the wretched folks who would actually call someone a “pedantic dolt” post things. We’re just rewarding this person with the attention she so desperately craves, because apparently she doesn’t get validation anywhere else in her life.
Anonymous
I think it’s one person. The sentence structures and over all tone are all so similar.
ElisaR
+1
Anon
This is something that blows my mind as a non-American. I thought the tipping culture in the US was due to low minimum wage for employees, and wouldn’t go across to those that own the business.
Azera
Non-American here too and I agree, where does it end? I would be so stressed whenever I paid for something! Do people add 10-20% onto their living expenses when they are considering salaries, etc??
Anon
They must… It seems like you basically tip for everything.
Anon
No because you choose to tip by choosing luxury services, which is where the vast majority of tipping is done. Other than tipping doormen and staff in apartment buildings (which I find is largely an East coast thing), the mostly common tip places are cabs, restaurants and beauty services which are optional convenience purchases. You factor tipping in when you opt into luxury services.
Anon
No because you choose to tip by choosing luxury services, which is where the vast majority of tipping is done. Other than tipping doormen and staff in apartment buildings (which I find is largely an East coast thing), the mostly common tip places are cabs, restaurants and beauty services which are optional convenience purchases. You factor tipping in when you opt into luxury services.
Anon
It generally doesn’t but this is a solo person business essentially and Americans commonly tip luxury services (hair, massage, nails, etc.). Think about it this way – it is the same as not tipping a masseuse that runs her own business by taking her chair to your house to give a massage – direct service and no employees.
On the other hand, if I got my nails done by a nail salon owner that just did my nails as an old client favor but was mostly running a 20 chair salon, it’s okay not to tip.
Anon
I live in United States. Sometimes tipping is so expensive that I avoid getting the service all together.
Anon
I think in the case of a salon suite you do tip. The etiquette on not tipping salon owners originally laid in the theory that they own a larger salon with stylists as employees, so they got a cut of all the business. But that is not the case in a salon suite situation, they are not getting supplemental income from other employees.
OldAnon
Thank you; this was most helpful (and polite!) : )
In fact, thanks to all! I’m glad I asked this.
Meara
I always thought it was more about “if she’s the owner she can charge what she wants, if she’s not she probably has less choice and should be tipped”
Anon
This was my thinking. Fwiw when I’m not sure- I tip.
Miss
This is my understanding of the tipping rule for salon owners as well. So you tip the stylist who is renting a booth even if she’s an independent contractor or technically owns her business. But if you’re in a big salon with employees and your stylist is the owner, no need to tip because she’s getting a cut of the proceeds from all the stylists.
Tip Your Stylist!
You do need to tip. She doesn’t “own” the salon, she just rents her chair space from the real owner of the salon.
Dolce
Your stylist is not an owner—she’s just an independent stylist. She rents a space. You tip her.
That “rule” existed for big salon owners who had a suite of employees, and who got a cut of everyone’s earnings. That’s not the case in your situation, so definitely tip—she likely thinks it’s weird you stopped tipping just because she’s renting a space.
Anon
I don’t know that the “don’t tip the owner” rule is outdated. I would not tip a salon owner in the case of Jane who owns “Jane’s Salon” and has a bunch of employees working for her. But I guess I disagree that someone who rents space in a salon is a business owner. I would absolutely tip 20% in this situation.
Dee
I tip regardless of who performs the service. In a service industry, you tip for service. I did not choose the social construct but if I opt into it by being a patron I play by societal standards. Even if someone owns a business, that is extremely hard and margins are small and they are doing staff work on top of it? Why not tip all the same, what difference is it to me who is holding the scissors? Owners have a lot of overhead and they’re not necessarily making a killing. And if they are, good for them, I am supporting their local business. I think the no-tip owner rule is a relic of a bygone era and it’s very out of touch to practice it.
C2
There is a good Awesome Etiquette podcast that addresses this topic.
That “rule” is addressing the owner of the business when that person has stylists working for her, who generate income for her. You likely could even still tip that person if you want – you can always simply ask “do you accept tips?” Your stylist is a freelancer, she is not making income from others, only herself. She has priced her cuts based on what she needs to make for her business to work, but she’s likely counting on some tips for additional income. My stylist, who I’ve been with for 8 years, recently did this same transition in my MCOL city. Her cut price is similar to yours, and I always tip 20-25% (I only get my hair cut every 5-6 months, so I don’t do a Xmas tip but I do tip a little extra each time). Now, if your stylist owned the salon-condo business and made income from rent from the chairs she rented out, that might be a different situation. But, even in that case, if she delivered a great service, I’d still tip her.
Anon
I wouldn’t tip in this situation. She’s not a salon owner in that she doesn’t have other employees from whom she gets a cut. But she also gets to set her own price and I would assume that it accounts for the tip.
Oops
Could someone explain this rule, please? It sounds like it’s no longer relevant, but just want to make sure… I’m mid-20s and have never heard of this being a thing. (Maybe I’m just oblivious?) I tip 20-30% for all services I receive, regardless of whether the owner actually renders the service. I really hope I’m not offending anyone by doing that?!
Vicky Austin
I don’t think erring on the side of tipping would be offensive to most people :)
Anon
Not the OP but I was taught as a child that it’s offensive to tip the owner of a business. Everyone likes money, but I can see how it would be insulting to treat someone like a minimum wage employee when they own the place.
Anonymous
+1
SC
I asked the same question a couple of years ago when my stylist moved to a salon lofts type suite. I received similar answers. I’ve been tipping her 20%, as I did before. She doesn’t have other employees, actually does more work herself (owner stuff like ordering, but also all the laundry and folding towels and washing hair), and she didn’t raise prices over what I’d been paying at her previous place. Also, I really like my stylist and want her business to succeed.
Anonymous
I got to a salon owner who has the salon in a converted house. He has no employees but his wife who assists him. He has only 1 chair and only one customer is in the salon at a time. He has no price list up and charges me what he charges me. I do not tip him but I do give the wife $20.
Anon
This whole discussion reminds me of the scene in Gilmore Girls where Lorelai realizes she didn’t need to be tipping Luke all those years, because you don’t tip the proprietor. That’s the only way I even heard of this rule. Also, I tip my stylist, who similarly rents a chair in a larger salon space.
Ellen
Elizabeth, I LOVE Express, and had used to have the same thoughts! In NYC, I go to the Express Store on Madison, around 51st Street, where they are VERY nice to me and I always wind up buying something at a great price! And if for any reason, it does not fit the way I like, I can get my cleaning lady to take it for tailoring, or I can give it to Luz or Rosa. This is an excellent pick for women with nice legs who want to show them off, but also fit women like me with long torsos that like to use the high waist to our advantage. On Friday’s I can wear these. A few weeks ago I was able to impress the Judge at a status conference, as the opposing counsel was wearing a frumpy long skirt that he did not approve of. I did not know it at the time, but the manageing partner was thrilled when the Judge shared that story with him.
Anon
I love this style of pants. I’m not sure about the ankle length but I love a high, paper-bag waist.
My 18yo daughter’s friend the fashionista has been wearing this style for about a year.
LB
Recommendations for high-rise underwear (preferably tho*ngs) that have some tummy control, but aren’t like spanx – I’m thinking for daily wear under work dresses. Size suggestions would be appreciated too – I’m 5’4, 148 lbs and a year post-partum. This belly pooch doesn’t seem to be going away. TIA!
Anonymous
Spanx has underwear that aren’t “spanx-y” — they have the undie-tectable brief and everyday shaping panties that just have a very light level of compression (tbh not enough to help with my tummy, but they’re high rise and very comfortable)
Soma has a shaping panty too you could look in to.
Anonymous
also forgot to mention both the spanx ones come in your preferred rear style as well!
anonforthis
I picked up some Skinnygirl undies at Nordstrom Rack recently that would do the trick. They are lighter than Spanx but smooth me out under work dresses.
Katie
Soma sells something called a “vanishing tummy” brief that has more support in front to smooth things out there. I’d think a M or L size there would probably work for you.
Katy
Soma sells something called a “vanishing tummy” brief that has more support in front to smooth things out there. I’d think a M or L size there would probably work for you.
Anon
I own and love these pants. They fit me perfectly. I’m 5’4”, 135 pounds and a true pear (2/4 on top, 6/8 on bottom) and I wear the ankle length as regular length, no hemming required! I find them to be very flexible as I gain/lose weight or feel bloated because of the tie waist.
LawyerAnon
Ooh..that’s helpful to know! I’m also about that same height/weight and while I like that style, I had wondered whether I would be too short to pull it off. Glad to know it can work – might have to order a pair.
PolyD
What size of these pants do you get? I’m about your size, too.
Do they have much give at the waist? I tried a pair of higher-waisted skinny pants from Gap the other week and they were too uncomfortable – I’m not used to having a waistband that high around my waist anymore, even though that’s how we wore them back in the 1980s-90s.
Abby
I have these pants in a tweed print, I’m 5’7, got a size 2, my waist is ~27 inches and I need to eat some more vegetables because they’re getting a little snug. They’re the only pants I’ve found that hit me at my natural waist, I have a pretty long rise/lower torso. I’d say in regular pants I’m usually a size 4, so if your waist comes in a bit, I’d size down.
Anonome
Thanks for this info, you’re exactly my stats! Going to stop by Express this weekend.
Anonymous
FYI, there is a (more expensive) pair at Aritzia that I found to be surprisingly awesome on. They are the right length for me at 5’9″ so will need hemming for shorter ladies.
anonypotamus
can you link to the aritzia ones? what size did you end up getting in them? i am also 5’9″ and have a hard time finding the right length pant!
Anonymous
Here you go https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/power-pant/70948.html?dwvar_70948_color=1274
Anonymous
Thanks! I have these in black linen for summer and was also pleasantly surprised by the quality.
Julia
Anyone wearing Halloween costumes or accessories at work today? Any funny stories of coworkers who are?
I’m not. I have a bright orange shirt that basically screams “Halloween” whenever I wear it (esp. with black pants), but I didn’t go for it today.
Pep
I’m wearing a black scarf with a pumpkin and ghost motif. That’s about as far as I’ll go. (business casual office)
Carrots
I just printed out a seal of Pawnee Indiana, stuck it in a binder, and will throw a suit jacket on over what I have. Bam – Leslie Knope.
Ms B
This is genius, just totally stole in order to stop in-office whining that I did not dress up. (People, I have court followed by an out-of-office depo today with difficult opposing counsel. The costume expectation is misplaced when I actually have to, y’know, practice law today.)
Anonymous
might do this next year. love it.
Z
I’m wearing a black dress that you could call a Wednesday Adams dress but with 3/4 lace sleeves.
Pompom
I work in higher ed and there are students in my building, so yeah, there are a lot of costumes. I’m basically an Eileen Fisher cat. This is just my normal outfit of all black drapey separates, the leopard shoes and scarf i wear all the time, plus a headband with ears. Tres original.
But we have an all-school costume contest and my coworkers go allll out, it is so fun to see. One office is a circus: the boss is a ringleader, there are various animals, a mime, and a liontamer.
Formerly Lilly
Hello Halloween twin! I’m in my usual Eileen Fisher black with a giant sparkly spider fascinator on my head. It’s from Walgreens, where they have some fabulous Halloween head decorations this year.
NOLA
I’m wearing a t-shirt that has a black cat holding a bloody knife. Everyone knows that I have a black cat and adopted her on Halloween two years ago, so it makes sense. I’m wearing jeans and a long mixed sweater/faux leather jacket, skeleton earrings and fringed black suede boots. I also have a station set up with Halloween pencils, stickers, candy, and erasers for students. Believe it or not, college students *love* stickers.
Ribena
I’ve got my normal outfit of sweater, blouse, skinny jeans, and long boots… but the sweater is a Ravenclaw one.
Ms B
Ravenclaw 4EVA!
Gail the Goldfish
I’m in costume, which I will not share because it will immediately out me to any co-worker reading this, but my office gets pretty in to Halloween, complete with costume contest, so we’ve got quite a few people dressed up.
Curious
I’m Olaf from Frozen. Definitely a trend I thought was out, but apparently there is a new Frozen, so it’s back in. Maybe this will become a wardrobe staple. Will wear it with my professional water bottle and set a new trend.
In all seriousness, the Olaf union suit is comfy a.f., and my boss’s boss is being Elsa, and we persuaded some of the engineers to be Kristoff and Sven. Today will be a good day.
anon
I work in the tax department of a law firm and last year the tax and estate departments joined up for a huge group costume “death and taxes”. We won the scariest costume award. Most people wore black with skeleton masks and there were a couple people wearing poster boards with tax forms on them. One woman wore a full on skeleton bodysuit.
This year is not nearly so epic.
Anon
Law firm here. Almost our whole office is dressed up. We have a Miss Trial (beauty queen with a “Miss Trial” sash), Chewbacca, RBG (me), a variety of birds (including an “attempted murder of crows”), and an NFL ref. It’s been a fun and festive morning with drinks planned to commence early afternoon. Much needed after a very hectic start to the week.
Coach Laura
Love the “Miss Trial” – too bad I’m not a lawyer!
NOLA
In N.O., under the expressway, there are signs that say “Miss River Bridge,” meaning that it’s the ramp to the expressway to get to the Mississippi River Bridge. Sooooo many people here dress up as Miss River Bridge!
Coach Laura
That’s cool too.
Velma
This is all really fun.
I work in higher ed. I haven’t seen any faculty or staff in full-on costumes yet, but there’s a fair amount of thematic dressing. I’ve gone a bit goth: black dress, tights, my witchiest heeled boots + an amber necklace (one of the “statement” necklaces I don’t really wear anymore). Also a pair of tiny skull stud earrings.
Senior Attorney
No costume, but burnt orange skirt, black knit top, black blazer, dangly jack-o-lantern earrings, and the great tortoise pumps that were featured on here a while back.
My husband is going all out with his Twelfth Doctor costume from Doctor Who, including his sonic screwdriver.
Anon
I’m looking for an activity or class to sign up for this winter that will get me out of the house on the weekends. Ideally something recurring so that I’ll get to know people through the weekly interactions. I’m single (don’t have kids) and in my early thirties so something with potential to meet guys would also be great. I enjoy working out, arts/crafting, and keeping up with current events but I’m open to almost anything. Any ideas? I’m in DC if anyone has a specific suggestions.
Anon
No specific recs for your area but Meetups like language or cultural exchange (it was pretty big in NYC when I was there)? Wine or whisky tasting courses if you drink? Indoor rock climbing? Book club?
anon
Lots of DC folks drive up to PA ski resorts on the weekends – Whitetail, Liberty and Roundtop. There are many groups that come up – maybe look for one of those to join if you are a skiier.
thehungryaccountant
DC Fray is probably the most popular social sport league in the city- tends to be filled with fun, single people. I think Winter leagues start in January, but its worth looking into!
Anonymous
Rock climbing, salsa
Anonymous
Indoor rock climbing or ultimate frisbee
anon a mouse
You might check out Single Volunteers of DC — it’s a group that does service projects and everyone who participates is single. They have weekly recurring projects as well as one-off weekend projects.
anon
Join a random bar-type sports league. Not in DC, but there’s always a bocce ball, axe throwing, trivia league stuff going on in my metro area for young childless people.
Anon
This may sound crazy – but think about curling. I’m a curler and there is so. many. guys. Not in DC so ymmv, but if you can find a weekend league to join or be a sub for, it’s the most fun sport. https://curldc.org/leagueInfoPage.php?id=878
Abby
I work on a team with 6 bosses and 5 assistants (I am an assistant). We are each responsible for different areas of work for all of the bosses. One of the assistants is a guy and since he started over a year ago, he spends his days chatting with the bosses throughout the day about sports, will jump at any mention if they need help or want to talk things over, basically doing an A+ job at sucking up.
Since he started, we haven’t had a good relationship – I assume he’s competitive with me, but he is really friendly to all of the other assistants and doesn’t talk to me all day despite his desk being next to mine. I’ve gotten used to this, it’s been over a year, the sucking up is annoying that our bosses don’t see through it but fine.
Yesterday he sent out an email that he is really behind on his work and he will be delegating it out to the rest of us because he’s out of the office tomorrow. I’m really frustrated and annoyed with him – I obviously don’t want to pick up his work because he has poor time management. I also don’t want to complain to the bosses about him not pulling his share because then I’m not a “team player” and come off as whiny. I think they all view him staying late and being willing to help them asap as a good thing, but it comes at the price of him giving me the work he doesn’t want to do, or can’t get to. Any advice on what to do?
Anon
“Sorry, I’m really swamped right now with my own tasks and can’t help out!”
Anon
Is he the the lead/manager of assistants? No? Then all of you should band together and not do his work (that is, if he’s delegating to you and the other assistants). I would respond with “I can’t take this on for you due to my workload.”
Abby
I technically have extra time right now, I read here everyday! But that’s because I think I work efficiently, when I truly am slammed I don’t do anything else. Do I just lie about how busy I am?
Anon
This is bad advice. Do not “band together” with the other assistants against him, especially if you do have extra time to help with one or two things. That’s so petty. He’s out for just one day, right? The bosses like him, and sorry to say but making him an enemy won’t do you any good. Help him out if you can, frame it as you’re doing him a favor, and use this as an opportunity to build bridges. Highlight your help on your performance review. If you truly don’t have the bandwidth that’s one thing, but objecting because he’s playing office politics a little better than you won’t help you in the long run.
Anon
+1
Anon
Don’t complain to bosses. Say no to him directly.
Anonymous
Couple of thoughts in no particular order.
1. Call a team meeting to discuss how the team is going to cover the work that needs to get done before he comes back; that way, the problem is more visible (he can’t have one-on-one conversations to make it seem like the problem’s not that bad), the work gets divided fairly (he can’t dump it on just you), and everyone is on the same page.
2. If your coworkers also have a problem with him, all of you should go to the bosses together – there’s strength in numbers.
3. A note about the “extra” work he’s picking up – sounds like this is work that needs to be done, right? The person who’s gunning for the most interesting assignments is going to get them. If you want those assignments then you should discuss that with your bosses. Otherwise, he’s going to keep getting the best work and everything else is going to flow to the rest of the team.
Abby
1 is a really great point. Our senior assistant told him to do whatever he has to do – but because she knows none of it will go to her.
About 3…It’s not really great assignments or assignments at all. He’ll sit in on a meeting with a wholesaler (finance) that takes 1-2 hours that doesn’t produce anything directly, offers to pickup lunches for the bosses, whenever someone asks if he has a minute, he says yes right away even if he’s in the middle of something, and then complain to other assistants later on about how busy he is (vs saying, let me finish this up, I’ll be there in 5-10 minutes). He shows his stress outwardly, and a lot of our team reads that as if he’s a really hard worker.
I know I sound bitter, I guess I kind of am. I actually did his role for 4 months last year, and still had time to read on this site, never had to stay late. I thought after a year people would see through him, but if anything he’s getting worse.
Anonymous
I hear your frustrating and I’d be frustrated too. Part of being on a team is working with other people’s strengths and weaknesses. The fact that you’re a more efficient worker than him is beside the point. Focus on what you can do to help the team get the job done, not on things outside of your control (like how someone else works).
Also – pretty much everyone has a coworker who grates on them. “Guess what so-and-so did this week” is the theme of many happy hours. You are definitely in good company.
Abby
Thank you guys, I appreciate all the feedback. I think I knew deep down that I need to ignore this and focus on myself, I was just dreaming of a magical solution.
Typing it all out made me realize that if I have extra time I should probably be jumping to do the extras he does to earn favor with the bosses. Happy Halloween y’all!
Walnut
Gently, you need to spend less time analyzing his work and how his carries himself. The comment above about calling a meeting to divvy up the work is a good one. Be pragmatic and focus on what deliverables your bosses are expecting.
Password Keeper?
I’m looking for recommendations on password keepers – to manage passwords across multiple sites and devices – what do you use and what do you like about it?
CHL
I use lastpass and have been happy with it. easy interface, you can enter a lot of criteria for the passwords
Anonymous
Also happy with Lastpass.
anon
ok, very cool….thank you both. I am new to these tools…do you use one master password for everything? Are there any risks to be aware of?
Anonymous
One master password lets you “in” to the vault of all your separate, secure passwords. They have a password generator to create totally random passwords for you, and save it. Highly recommend both the phone app and browser extension.
It’s kind of a pain to set up and get started, not going to lie, but totally worth it and is really easy once it’s established.
anon
one risk is that this is designed to be really secure, which means you need to have a way to keep track of your master password (or passphrase) and if you are stupid like me, it can’t be recovered.
mahnamahna
another vote for Lastpass. I have used the paid version for years and it is now integrated with iphone and has touch login so I can login to accounts on my phone easily. I pay $12/year and it’s totally worth it.
Anon
One more vote for Lastpass!
anon
OP here….thank you all! Lastpass sounds great….I like the integration with IPhone and subscription fee is a no brainer. I will be looking into it over the weekend.
Anon
Amusing letter from Aaron Sorkin to Mark Zuckerberg in the NYT:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/opinion/aaron-sorkin-mark-zuckerberg-facebook.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share
Personally, I think Facebook‘s actions on allowing political lies are incredibly harmful and shameful – and I would consider myself pretty darn close to being a free speech absolutist. Very glad I deleted my account, but also fearful of what garbage and disinformation politicians will crank out before the election. Twitter has got it right this time around (and for once).
Anon
The problem is that you can’t define “lies” with enough certainty to justify shutting down speech. I’ve been told by my friends that things are “lies” and “conspiracy theories,” because they contradict (wish I were kidding) unsourced internet memes they pass around. It’s like, here’s research, here’s the citation, here’s the video of that happening… and they just scream “LIES!!!”
Anon
Yeah, I do agree that’s a problem, but I don’t know that the answer is letting ads (that are paid for) say things like Kamala Harris performs abortions in her spare time or Buttigieg has a secret plot to destroy Christianity from within. I don’t know WHAT the answer is, only that Facebook’s approach isn’t it.
Anon
There are political adds that attempt to sway opinion and emotion and there are objective lies. Are you really saying “clouds are made of pee” can’t be defined as a lie? Because things like that ARE being disseminated in ways that harm people. No vaccines don’t cause autism and essential oils don’t make a fever go down. No X politician did not perform abortions and is not a devil worshipper. Objective lies can and should be prevented, as should ads by groups that are mostly universally accepted as ones that promote and incite violence (terrorist groups which includes alt-right and white nationalists extremists in particular).
I’ve seen ads that imply people should gather up their second amendment guaranteed guns to prevent the left from breaking society’s morals – which is advocating to kill people that don’t think like you. That is not acceptable for a social media site with such influence.
Anon
I’m generally pretty liberal, but I really don’t think people screaming about them allowing lies get that this is identical to the standards TV stations have for ads. For candidate ads (so saying they’re sponsored by Trump, or Harris, or whatever) they can basically say what they want. Issue groups have different restrictions. Doing anything else would almost certainly be challenged as a violation of free speech, as it has been with TV ads, and be struck down.
The logic goes that if a candidate wants to say something wildly untrue, they have the right to do that, but they have to own that it’s THEM saying it and deal with the backlash, which historically, in campaigns, there has been for wildly untrue ads.
Alaska
May seem like an odd question, but due to nutritional deficiencies, I need to up my intake of fish (salmon, halibut, herring, etc.) but they need to be from natural/sustainable sources.
Does anyone have a recommendation for a reputable online supplier for quality wild Alaskan fish? I know I’ll pay a premium for shipping, etc., but it’s likely way better than my local supermarkets’ farm raised supply.
Anonymous
Huh? You can get wild salmon at most supermarkets. Certainly Whole Foods.
Pompom
I’m not disagreeing with you, but this is super dependent on location. OP’s saying there isn’t any near her.
Anon
Yeah I don’t understand this question. I live in the very rural Midwest and you can get wild caught salmon filets at our local discount supermarket that seems to specialize in selling cookies and chips. Whole Foods it is mostly certainly not. I find it very hard to believe there’s any part of the US where you can’t buy wild caught salmon at the supermarket. Even if you can’t get it at from the supermarkets fishmonger, you can certainly purchase it canned or frozen at any grocery store/big box store. I’m pretty sure even CVS sells canned wild salmon at least.
Alaska
OP here
On assignment in West Virginia… thanks, but not possible.
anon
+1 that it is location dependent. I live in the PNW–there is a river where salmon spawn literally yards from my grocery store. But they don’t always have it. How about we believe her?
Anon
You can find Wild Planet on Amazon, I believe. Patagonia also has a line of smoked salmon that I like.
Junior Associate
Costco has frozen wild caught halibut and salmon. Like everything else at Costco, it is in bulk, but also probably cheaper than other options out there at comparable quality (my parents bought from an offline store because they were 20 minutes away from one, but looks like it’s also stocked online if you’re in the US).
Anon
I don’t like Costco’s frozen salmon. I don’t know if the issue is storage or original processing but the fillets are not “plump” and fall apart (before cooking). They also have enough bones that my American husband takes an hour to eat one fillet. I stopped buying there, buy at TJ’s now (I know, not helpful).
Anonymous
Costco’s salmon burgers are SO GOOD and I’m pretty sure they’re wild caught. We grill them or use them in omelettes.
Anonymous
Trader Joe’s carries wild-caught Alaskan salmon.
Anon
Canned wild salmon is just as healthy and sustainable and MUCH more environmentally friendly since it doesn’t require flying fresh or frozen food across the country. It’s also probably less likely that’s it really farmed salmon being passed off as wild salmon (surprisingly common). They definitely sell it at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and probably most other grocery stores for a tiny fraction of the price of buying frozen online. It’s actually pretty good in sandwiches, salmon cakes, etc.
anon
Marithyme Seafood Company has this. I’ve never ordered it myself since I’m not a big fan of salmon, but I’ve heard good things from friends who have.
StaringIntoTheAbyss
I decided to start incorporating some fish into my diet (after years of vegetarianism) at my doctor’s recommendation, but I worry a lot about the sustainability. My go-tos are catfish (a seafood watch “best choice” whether or not it’s farmed and whether or not it comes from the U.S. [although I try to buy domestic, which is easy to find]) and farmed bivalves (clams, mussels, oysters [which have the added bonus of not seeming as sentient as other sea creatures] – the “farms” [basically ropes hung out to sea] actually help clean our oceans!).
Anonymous
That is actually why bivalves gross me out–they filter the ocean, and then I am supposed to eat the dirty filter? Yuck.
Anon
As an Alaskan who works in the commercial fishing industry, I can guarantee you any fish that comes from Alaska is sustainable. It’s kind of our thing. None of it will be farmed, that’s illegal here.
anon
farmed is not the opposite of sustainable. Wild caught can be very problematic re: overfishing. Farming obviously can have other issues. If you want wild caught, the MSC label looks for sustainable practices and seems trustworthy to me.
Anon
Not all wild caught salmon is sustainable.
Anon
If you happen to be in Montana, Billings Seafood Guys.
Anon
You might check out the Alaska Seafood Marketing Institute’s website. I don’t know if they have information on suppliers, but if that info were anywhere, that’s where it’d be.
anon
Not directly answering your question, but the Monterey Bay Aquarium has a Seafood Watch app where you can input the seafood in question and it will tell you whether or not it is sustainable.
Anonymous
Check out Sitka Salmon. It operates like a CSA. It’s the end of the season now, so you might have to wait for last-minute sales instead of regular delivery, but we have had a great experience with them for years.
Nonviolent Communication Resources
I’m running a 50 minute book club on nonviolent communication for a small group of 7th graders. I’ve attended workshops for adults but not one geared for teens. Does anyone know of resources that I can look up to facilitate the conversation? Any ideas for how to lead the discussion (I’m new to this)? I’m assuming at least 75% of the kids will not have read the assigned book (a version of Nonviolent Communication for Teens).
Anonymous
Isn’t communication supposed to be nonviolent? How bad are teens this days that that’s not assumed?!
Anon
It’s a way of communication proposed by Marshall Rosenberg that communicates how sth made you feel, and how to convey what you need and request it. It’s been so helpful in my relationships and getting me out of family of origin’s style of communication. Google it!
anon
reminds me of the WaPo article a few weeks ago that basically said “a new way to combat gun violence: we report how young man solve their conflicts in a private fight club instead of shooting at each other”. Really difficult for me to put myself in someone’s shoes where a fight club means progress.
Anonymous
This could be my city: young men solving problems by shooting (usually with bad aim). Ugh. Crime is down but murder rate is through the roof.
NOLA
I teach a course for freshmen who are sometimes *very* engaged with the material and sometimes not at all. I usually pull out some of my own takeaways from the reading as conversation starters and invite them to jump in. Like, here’s the statement that the author made – do we think that’s true? Also, give them pair and share activities. Give them something to do or to discuss (a question from the reading, etc.) then report back to the group as a pair.
Singapore!
I have a twelve-hour layover in Singapore this weekend that’s perfectly timed for leaving the airport and exploring (6 a.m. to 6 p.m.). I’ve never been to Singapore before and I’m super excited. Where should I go? More importantly, where should I eat?? I’m going to check my bag so I won’t have to worry about schlepping it. Really just want to wonder around an interesting part of town (or two) and eat some great food. Any suggestions?
Ribena
I believe the airport runs tours for people on layover. It’s a great city to visit.
LLBMBA
I’d take the Hop on/Hop off tour. Singapore is really small and accessible, with lots of cool areas to wander in. Highlights: Little India, Arab Quarter, Colonial district (like near the Raffles hotel), Marina Bay sands (like being in the future).
Nonny
OMG, food in Singapore. Eat Everything. Not even kidding.
LLBMBA is right – Singapore is quite small and accessible, with lots of walkable neighbourhoods. If you want really delicious food, look for a sign that says “hawker centre”. In Singapore, a “hawker” is a street food vendor, but they are all quite well regulated and set up in groups, basically like food courts. That is where you find all the best food.
Orchard Road is the big shopping street but if you are only on a layover, don’t bother with that – go to Arab Street, Little India and Chinatown. Then pretend you are staying at Raffles Hotel and go sit in the shade in their courtyard and people watch. Sooo much fun.
Anonymous
I have a male colleague quite a bit senior to me who frequently asks me to have my husband call him (husband works for a different company, male colleague and husband sometimes work on things together). This drives me crazy. I’ve never actually relayed the message but I just sort of smile and nod to get him to go away and stop talking to me.
Related, I am in-house and currently relying on the male colleague to help me transition into working with an internal client who is very important and with whom he already has a really good relationship. Because I’m sort of relying on this guy right now I somehow can’t just bring myself to say no, I will not ask my husband to call you. I guess I just need to say it but I’m cringing, thinking it might hurt my ability to get where I want to be with the internal client.
Anonymous
Why are you being such a doormat? “Have your husband call me” “nope! I’m not his secretary!”
Anon
Sometimes the advice on this site is breathtakingly bad. Whatever you do, do not do this.
nona
Eh – I think you are fine with continuing to ignore it and not treat it like you are in charge of your H’s social calendar. I’d be concerned if the colleague started asking why H hasn’t called him yet, but I kind of feels like just a social nicety to acknowledge that colleague and H know each other – like the opposite gender version of “Best to your wife”.
anon
For me, this wouldn’t be worth making an issue of if I though that would damage the relationship. I’d either continue to ignore the requests, or just mention “X is asking about you again” over dinner.
anon
100 percent
Anonymous
“Let me give you his number so you can text him.”
Anon
Simple and unoffensive response. If he pushes back “we don’t discuss work” and “he prefers colleagues to contact him directly”, or in a light hearted manner “I’m sure I’ll forget” and “I’m his secretary now?”
anon
is there a reason why you won’t relay the message? he wants a quid pro quo….you can work these politics until you get where you need to be with the internal client
Anon
Seriously. Do him a favor and he’ll do you a favor. That’s how it works.
Anon
+10000. Doing somebody a favor, even a little one, is a fantastic way to curry favor.
There seems to be a theme in comments where people are suspicious of favors. e.g. I don’t want to pass on a resume to HR for someone I don’t know well. I think that’s a huge mistake. Look for opportunities to do favors for people (in an appropriate way, with reasonable boundaries). It really, really helps your career. I basically got my last job (which I love) because I did someone a really small favor (with no quid pro quo expected), it built good will and then they recommended me for the position.
Not everything has to be a hill that you have to die on.
Anonymous
This is perplexing. You need something from him, he needs something from you. In a relationship world, this isn’t that big of a deal. If you put the same energy into the relationship that you put into being offended–would you still be in this situation?
Anon
Yeah – I get that the genders make this seem weird, but I’m honestly super confused why you’re so offended by it. It seems like a general social nicety – he likes your husband and knows him in a social context. I also generally find that the farther up the ladder you climb, the more you’re expected to socialize outside of work, and the more important that is, so I don’t get why you look at this as bad. If anything, maybe take the above posters’ advice to offer your husband’s number.
As someone who runs a large department, and knows some of the wives of my male staff socially, I have definitely said to one (or more), “Tell Jane I’d love to grab drinks some time – it would be great to see her!”. It’s a social nicety.
Anonymous
OP here, I should clarify, he’s not asking for social reasons, he’s asking because they have a work issue to discuss and he’s already emailed and/or called and my husband hasn’t gotten back to him yet.
I appreciate the comments about just doing somebody a favor – that’s a helpful read to get on the situation. I was getting a more gendered, secretarial vibe from the request.
Anonymous
Have you mentioned any of this to your husband? If this guy feels like your husband is unresponsive then I’d be concerned it would (unfairly) reflect poorly on you.
Anony
+1 Totally agree.
nutella
Totally understand your frustration. Since your husband works for another company, is he technically giving your husband business? He might be telling you that as a way of showing you that he likes working with your husband and is glad to be giving him the business. Just a thought that might make you less frustrated or at least more able to let it go. Otherwise, if it feels like he is treating you as your husband’s secretary, a simple “Oh! Let me give you his number directly so that you aren’t both waiting on me as a middleman to get in touch!” with a smile could do the trick and buy you good will while he is assisting you.
Anonymous
OP here, he’s not giving my husband business, we’re all in-house and sometimes they need to work through an issue together. He already has my husband’s phone number (work and cell) and email and he’s usually asking because he’s already reached out and husband just hasn’t gotten back to him yet.
Anon
Last night while watching the World Series (Go Nats!) I was surprised to see a Trump ad for 2020. I can only imagine what he paid, but it felt early to me?
Anon
This would violate election laws in my country. Is there a rule about early campagining in the US?
Anonymous
Nope. This is entirely legal.
Julia
He began his 2020 campaign basically the minute he was inaugurated, so that he could legally fundraise. Past presidents have waited longer before doing so, but not this one. It is legal.
Anon
No. You typically start campaigning again almost immediately after being elected.
Anonymous
Ha! No, but I wish there were. I’m already over this election.
It was really interesting to see the recent Canadian election and how short the campaigning time frame was. Political campaigning in the US begins in earnest about 1.5-2 years before a presidential election, due to the primary process. Campaigning ramped up a lot earlier this year (winter/spring 2019) and will continue through the primaries (spring 2020) until the actual election (Nov 2020).
But in reality, Trump started holding campaign rallies for his re-election almost as soon as he took office.
Anonymous
Lol it’s cause he was booed at the game the other day.
Anon
From someone in DC politics: ha, nope, it’s not early. You may not have seen them previously if you’re not in an early primary state (Iowa, SC, NH are all inundated already), but they’ve definitely been airing for months. The Trump war chest is very, very, very well funded. They’ve got millions and millions of dollars banked to inundate the country with ads. Re: the World Series ad, the campaign has only said it’s part of a “seven figure” ad buy that includes other dates.
anon
He already has over *Three-Quarters of a Billion* dollars in his campaign (reported). It is not even 2020. The ads are not going to go away.
Combine that with unfettered access to F@ceb00k (whether by him or by a sinister foreign actor seeking to sow chaos), 50% of all Americans getting their news from FB, and FB’s unwillingness to stop false political ads (no matter who they are from), we are in for a lot of trouble. And a drastic change to our political landscape (and I’d argue our trust in any institution) as we know it. And no, no laws against early reporting and no laws limiting campaign contributions if, say, someone wanted round that number out to a full billion in exchange for a nice back scratching in their industry regulations to recoup that donation in manifold. This is serious.
Anon
Say what? Look at what Obama hauled in and look at what Hillary hauled in. This isn’t a problem only when people you don’t like have more money – Hillary vastly outspent Trump, and third parties outspent his third party supporters by a landslide. Obama crushed both Romney and McCain in fundraising.
anon
I’m not suggesting that. He has more money and earlier because he began his re-election campaign as soon as he was sworn in. Thus the ads feeling early are just going to continue. The problems I raised are problems with our system/guardrails and are a problem for every candidate in a modern post-Citizens United, post-Congress who doesn’t understand F@ceb00k and thus cannot do something about an actual problem. This will be a problem in future elections, no matter who is running.
Anon
Haha, no, it’s not. I mean, there’s an entire primary race happening in the other party.
Singapore!
I have a twelve-hour layover in Singapore this weekend that’s perfectly timed for leaving the airport and exploring (6 a.m. to 6 p.m.). I’ve never been to Singapore before and I’m super excited. Where should I go? More importantly, where should I eat?? I’m going to check my bag so I won’t have to worry about schlepping it. Really just want to wonder around an interesting part of town and eat some great food. Any suggestions?
Junior Associate
Ooh, it’s been awhile since I was there so a bit fuzzy on specific restaurants, but my favorite touristy spots: the area around and across from Marina Bay Sands, Gardens By the Bay, Clarke Quay, Raffles Hotel (for a singapore sling!), Fort Canning Park. Peranakan Museum was nice for a rainy day visit — I’m Asian so it wasn’t super novel, but I heard my non-ethnically Asian friends mention it as an interesting place. Pepper crab is a local delicacy but might be too big a dish if you’re alone.
Anonymous
If you do go to Gardens by the Bay, they have a hawker center (Satay by the Bay) that’s a good showcase of local cuisine, and you can definitely find a suitable meal for one – I think it opens for lunch. Or meals, depending on how hungry you are.
Nonny
+1 on the Peranakan Museum. I am not Asian and found it very interesting. It gives some good insights into a unique aspect of Singaporean culture.
The original Scarlett
Someone asked about the flare jeans I like, and it’s thisnpair from Banana – they run a little big
https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=493470002&cid=1137515&pcid=5030&vid=1&grid=pds_59_159_1#pdp-page-content
Anon
I’m feeling kind of blah and like I need to figure out some goals for myself. Work is fine but not great, social life is fine but not great. I feel like I’m not really working towards anything, just kind of going along. Anyone else ever feel like this? Tips for not feeling like this?
Anonymous
I feel like this a lot. No tips but you’re not alone!
Anonymous
Pick a new hobby or interest to try. Learn a new sport, a new language, a new cuisine to cook or take an art class.
Anon
I think maybe if you found a hobby, goals would follow from that. (Maybe, then, the goal should be to try x activities until you find a hobby.) Just as an example, I like yoga, so my goal is to do a headstand. But I had to get into yoga before that would’ve occurred to me.
Shananana
I have been going through some similar feeling lately, so following along as I haven’t really figured out the answers yet. I set myself 3 pretty big goals when I turned 30 as things I wanted to accomplish by 40, and hit them all by 36. I realized that has left me feeling very at loose ends and like I’m just floating along now. I could just set myself some new lofty goals, but also feel like life needs to not be a video game where I level up until I die, right?
busybee
Give yourself a project! A closet cleanout with a specific goal, like fill a plastic bag or get rid of 6 pairs of shoes. Sign up for a 5k. A reading challenge, or an online book club. A money saving/no spend challenge with a specific savings goal and reason in mind. Research and go to one new place each month, whether it’s a museum or restaurant or whatever. Find a cookbook and challenge yourself to make each recipe (or one new recipe a week, since that’s kind of daunting even as I type it out). Knit a hat and donate it somewhere. And get a haircut. Fresh cut=fresh outlook, at least for me.
In-House in Houston
These are all great suggestions. I’m not the OP but taking several of them!! Thanks!
Vicky Austin
I did the cookbook challenge – not just one but the six or seven I had accumulated in gifts over the last couple years. I’m not going to get through all of them, but I’ve cooked so many cool new things and had so much fun. Definitely recommend.
Changing size
My waistline fluctuates at least a size throughout the day. I’ve given up on my myriad smaller sizes and sized up, but they’re still too large in the mornings and too tight in the evenings. Any recommendations that might ease the bloating? Fwiw, I used to wear sizes 4-6 until five years ago (mid 20s), now wear size 8 (small in the evenings)-10 (early 30s). I gained 20 pounds around my midriff and thights and not much else. Thanks, Biglaw!
Anonymous
Keep a food diary for a week or so and track your activity levels as well (e.g. step counter). I get more bloated on days I’m more sedentary. Even small changes like printing to the printer on the other end of the floor will get you up and moving more. I’m also much more sensitive to salt and sugar intake now that I’m older. I switched to black coffee and regular probiotics plus working out with a trainer to tone my abdomen seems to have helped with bloating.
Anonymous
This is me when I eat carbs and/or dairy. I thought it was normal until I tried keto and whole 30 – suddenly I didn’t bloat during the day. It was like magic. Play around with your diet to figure out what’s triggering this issue for you.
Yep
Agreed. I dealt with this for years. Turns out I was just lactose intolerant!
NYC Girl
Agree with the tips above. In the meantime, suggest pants with elastic on the back, like the J-crew easy pant, that allow for flexible sizing if you bloat. Alternatively I like dresses without a tight waist band. I find pencil skirts (which have to be fitted at waist) and regular pants to be difficult.
In terms of preventing bloat, for me the days I exercise in the morning (think this helps my GI system get going and also helps with stress), and do not eat processed sugar or dairy are the least bloaty :)
Anon
You might consider having your doctor run a blood test for food allergies (and I do mean allergies and not intolerances). I just recently had this done and learned that I have minor and moderate allergies to a number of things that I was eating fairly regularly (e.g. wheat, corn, soy) because they are in a lot of things. Now that I have eliminated the offending foods from my diet, I’ve noticed a big difference. And when I do inadvertently end up having something that contains an allergen, I notice symptoms that I experienced previously but didn’t realize they weren’t normal or connected to the particular foods.
Coach Laura
I used to regularly gain/lose 5 pounds a day and was often bloated. I was diagnosed celiac and then went gluten free. Voila. No more bloating. It could also be dairy – that makes lactose or casein intolerant people bloat.
Agree with the Whole Foods diet for 30 days or just cut out wheat/rye/barley/oats and dairy/milk/cheese for 3-4 weeks and see if that helps. Just doing it for a week may or may not make it obvious as it sometimes takes the body time to process and recover. It could also be soy or legumes or something else but try wheat and dairy first.
car buying?
Has anyone bought a car through Costco? My inlaws do it and highly recommend. We aren’t members but if it’s worth the reduction in hassle/time/potentially money, we’d get a membership just for this. pros/cons? would you do it again?
FWIW, we know the make/model we want. I HATE car buying with a firey passion. We have 3 young kids and 2 busy jobs. I don’t have time for this stuff :). As an alternate, there is a service I’ve heard of in my town for car buy/selling. A resident has made this his full time job and has all kinds of rave reviews.
Anonome
If you’re eligible, I’ve heard rave reviews about the car buying service through USAA.
anon a mouse
I got quotes through Costco and was not impressed. I had actually gotten quotes from my local dealer and was hoping to get a better quote from Costco to take to my dealer to negotiate. The Costco quote was $2K more than the quote I already had.
If you know the make/model you want, I recommend this strategy:
https://the-toast.net/2014/07/11/how-to-buy-a-car/
anon
We did something very similar. W emailed 5-6 dealers within a two-hour drive of our house with the car we wanted. But we told them up front that we would not play them off each other. They had one chance to give us their best price. If two dealers were close, we’d circle back one more time with those two.
One or two dealers refused to give us a price at all. Several came back with good, but not great, prices. One came back with a great price on a 4WD version of the car we wanted, which we didn’t need. One came back with an amazing price on exactly what we wanted, and we bought from that dealership.
As far as the dealers who refused to work this way, that happens in person too. Before we used this process, DH and I test drove the car. We agreed to allow the sales rep to give us a quote before we left. 15 minutes later, he came back with an “offer” that did not include a price. We said we wouldn’t consider anything that did not have a price on it, and he went back to the manager. 20 minutes later, he came back with another “offer” that still didn’t include a price. We left. That was one of the dealers who refused to give us a quote over email. To this day, I have no idea what the price of that car was, but I DO drive our new car an extra 20 minutes to avoid their service department because now I have the impression that they’re a bunch of scammers.
Anonymous
I recommend AAA as a car buying service if already have AAA. DH and my inlaws have purchased 6 cars from them in the past 12 years, the most recent being my Honda CRV. If you tell them what you want, they find it for you, then literally drive the new car to your house. They also helped us get the car loan and trade in my old (and barely working at the time) VW Jetta). With my CRV, we dealt with one person on the phone who found the car (and it was something like $2000 less through AAA than the *exact* same car at the local Honda dealership. By *exact same* I mean that literally – the same VIN number of the CRV AAA found and the one at the dealership. Local dealership couldn’t match the AAA price, even after us saying that we would be buying that exact car from AAA) and another person who drove it to our house on a Saturday morning (a lovely elderly retired gentleman who does this as his “retirement job”). He sat with us at our dining room table, we signed all of the paper work (including car loan docs) there, and then he showed us the features on the car, gave us the keys, and then drove my Jetta away. It was like a one hour process at our house and I did not set foot inside a dealership. We did it on a Saturday morning because that worked for our schedules. I imagine you could do it on a Tuesday afternoon if that worked best for you.
Anonymous
I’m the OP. We have AAA and this is my dream. I would pay $1000 more not to set foot in a dealership. Easily. Sounds like you financed–did you do that through AAA? We don’t have to finance but if that route makes more sense all the better.
Anonymous
The financing is not through AAA/AAA is not the lender. they just helped us find the financing and set it up with purchasing the car. It’s with BB&T, and I don’t remember how they set it up. It was just “I need X dollars.” And they said “okay, we can give you X dollars at a Y% interest rate”. And then I said “OK, where do
I sign?”
asdf
I did it, and was happy with the result. You still get all the discounts being offered (e.g. Labor Day cash back, etc). I also took my trade-in to carmax to get a sense of what would be offered for it. I was able to negotiate on my trade-in to get almost twice what carmax was offering. Basically, I joined Costco so that I would at least know the Costco price (and not pay more than that). While I think many people get a better deal I don’t think I would have (because I’m not a great negotiator). You could definitely use AAA for the same purpose.
Reputable auto broker
We work with a reputable auto broker to get our cars–he buys them at auction from rental companies and has rave reviews/has always sold us super clean cars that we love. We tell him the make/model/packages and he tracks it down while being super careful that it is not a flooder/rusted car.
I grew up with family working in dealers and hate going/dealing with dealerships. We generally bought cars through auctions growing up (for business and personal use), but since my family moved to an adjacent field of car stuff, auto broker is the closest I get to the convenience of not having to do a dealership.
See if there are any reputable places around your town!
anon
Can you help me choose a hotel near the San Diego convention center? My boss and I are absolutely country mice and we’ll be run ragged with work, so minimizing travel complications is top priority. But I don’t know the area and I virtually never travel, so I don’t know what to look for.
Budget is government rates, $173.
Anonymous
I’ve stayed at Hotel Andaz. Not sure if it fits the budget but it’s one idea.
Anonymous
I’d go with one of the hotels adjacent to the convention center and call it a day. Looks like there is a Marriott and a Hilton. If there’s no rooms available at your rate, worth calling and asking if they have any additional gov rates available (unless you have to book through Sato or some other service, in which case I use the shop first > map feature)
SG
I stayed at the Courtyard Marriott Downtown, which is a few blocks to the convention center. It’s an old bank building and we enjoyed walking through the area.
Anony
I travel to San Diego monthly at govt. per diem rates so let me recommend the following: Omni San Diego or Hilton Gaslamp or Hilton Bayfront or Hard Rock (literally across the street from the convention center with plenty of food within a 1 block radius). Omni is my top choice – I stay there basically every month unless I can’t get per diem rate (then I stay out by the airport at a Homewood Suites which is quite far from the convention center).
Venturing a little further (talking a couple blocks) – SD Marriott Gaslamp Quarter, Marriott Marquis SD Marina, Manchester Grand Hyatt. All of the above are within walking distance to the convention center, the Gaslamp District (food, nightlife, etc), and you wouldn’t need a rental car.
There are plenty of Ubers, taxis, shuttles, etc to get you from the airport to downtown. Parking at the hotels is SUPER expensive ($50/day, mostly valet). Flying out of San Diego in the morning is absolutely crazy, especially if you don’t have TSA PreCheck and have to go through regular security. Highly recommend leaving via a red eye as the airport is dead (I typically fly out at 10/10:30 via Delta and can literally go to the airport at 9:15 and be at the gate within 20 minutes). Any time of day that you fly into SD is pretty crazy. It’s a busy airport.
Hope that helps!! I’ve been going to San Diego for a week a month for the last 2-3 years so let me know if you have more traveling questions.
book club
has anyone ever started a book club? I have lots of friends that are already in one, but I also think i could wrangle up 5-6 people (or more? how big should it be?) to get one going. I’ve never participated but think it’s a thing i could get into. what works/doesn’t work? what would appeal to you if someone invited you to join?
I’m married with a bunch of kids, but so are most of the people i’d end up inviting.
Anon Reader
I’m in a book club that started as 6 people and is now down to 4. I don’t think there’s any number requirement but its nice to have at least 3 people at each meeting. We recently added a separate list of “sometimes” members who we invite for each book but have the option of coming or not coming to certain sessions.
Our club meets quarterly (we found monthly to be too often) and each quarter one member nominates 3-4 books and we vote. We disqualify books that at least 2 people have already read. It took some time to figure out how to work things but its been a great way to see friends more often and meet some new people!
Anon
I am in your lifestage bracket and have been in a bookclub for over 12 years that has evolved. My recommendations — at the “kickoff” bookclub, describe your expectations for reading the book vs. being a place where you drink wine and chat but the book is peripheral. In our bookclub, the expectation is that we talk about the book for the 1st hour and then move into “late night bookclub” which is more open/social. Plan your schedule out for a year or 6 months in advance or agree on a standard meeting time (e.g. 2nd Monday of every month). There is nothing worse that ending each meeting with 20 minutes of people on their phones trying to find a date. I think having 8 – 10 members is ideal because usually a couple people can’t come and you end up with a good number that way. You could try starting with a theme (historical fiction, books about a place, etc.), or not. In our club, when we do the schedule, whoever hosts the meeting gets to choose the book. If you choose that you really want to focus on the book (and not the wine), you may also suggest that the person who suggest the book comes with some starter discussion questions. Good luck!
Anon
Based on everything you said, I think we could be in the same book club! The only difference is mine has only (only, ha) been around for 10 years. But we handle everything the same way you do as far as managing expectations, whoever hosts gets to choose (although that person usually sends around 3-5 options via email for the rest of the group to vote on), 8-10 members.
One thing that really helped us was choosing hosts, months, and dates at the beginning of each year. It became a real time drain to deal with constant email chains about who was next. We even try to do book choices at the beginning and only have two rounds of voting per year (so six months’ worth of books at once) to minimize decision time. It makes things a lot more efficient!
annienomous
My book club is organized through the local library and so can be quite big (and it attracts a rotating group with probably 8 core members who always attend.) It’s quarterly, which is perfect because it gives everyone time to read the book/take turns checking out from the library and still have plenty of time to read other things.
We’re strictly a “Non-Fiction” book club, but that’s the only rule. We’ve read everything from Educated to Born A Crime (Trevor Noah’s memoir. HIGHLY recommend!) to Stiff: the Curious Lives of Cadavers.
The best parts of our setup: Huge age range (at 32, I’m generally the youngest but the core members range up to their 80s with every decade represented) makes for a lively and informative discussion; the library’s involvement means there are always plenty of copies of the book available; the location (a cute gift/decor shop) is comfortable and cute and makes it feel truly accessible to the public; we have read a lot of really interesting stuff that I never would have picked up on my own (Stranger in the Woods was a huge hit.)
The cons: Large group sizes means that you don’t always get to talk about what you wanted to.
AnonInfinity
I’m in a couple of book clubs. Both have about 7-9 members. I like that size because it means that there are usually enough people to get a good discussion. A standing date mentioned above is a good idea. Neither of mine has that, and sometimes we struggle to get a date on the calendar. Both have a rule that the picker gets absolute discretion over the book. Just because it makes the discussion better, everyone tends to pick books that no one else has read. If you do it that way, it’s imperative to have an official list of who chooses in what order. I’ve found that some members will be excited to pick and think it’s their turn every couple of meetings. Quarterly meetings tend to work best for the book discussions, though we do usually get together as a group to talk about other stuff between meetings.
Anonymous
I’ve never started a book club, but joined one that had already been going for years. There’s a core group of three people, but each meeting has 3-8 people as new friends/significant others join, move away, etc. The rule is we always start by talking about the book, and the discussion lasts for anywhere from half an hour to an hour and a half depending on how much we have to say, and then the conversation naturally transitions to chatting about personal stuff. At some point we collectively pick a date that works, and figure out who the next host is. That host sends an email and everyone who actually attended can nominate a book (fiction, <300 pages) by email. (So if you miss one, you can't nominate, but you can still go to the next meeting.) The host randomizes the nominations on an internet randomizer or random number generator and announces the book. Usually we end up meeting about 10 times a year, with longer breaks in the winter and summer when people have complicated schedules (but then we up the page count).
Elle
My group meets every other month which is nice as far as frequency (I recommend that or quarterly vs. monthly). We also meet at a location (not going to say where to avoid outing myself) that has wine or other things for purchase and plenty of seating. That way no one has to host in their home. That was important for our group because a lot of us do have kids with bedtimes and this just avoids that.
Anon
Not the OP, but I saw this posted on yesterday’s afternoon thread and thought the comments were interesting. Anyone thinking about signing on?
Paul Weiss is authoring an amicus brief in June Medical Services v. Gee on behalf of lawyers who have had abortions. Interested lawyers should contact Paul Weiss at JuneLawyersBrief (at) paulweiss.com. The deadline for lawyers to share their story is November 8, and the deadline to be a signatory is November 20.
https://www.wbadc.org/Files/WBA_Amicus_CallForSigners_JuneMedicalServicesVsGee_20191023.pdf?fbclid=IwAR3meoKmoQRENXnmZsm_dRGAx69bFrLo8NZZKUETNXFfSxQM172f8Nmeay0.
Anonymous
Honestly, why? Why are lawyers that special? If anything, we are a super-privileged lot. And why on earth should any lawyer’s employer be listed? It is not enough to be a human being, but if you work for Cravath, your story is that much more important than if you work hourly for Burger King?
Anon
I see it totally differently. So often abortion is framed by the political right as something that only poor, uneducated, and unmarried women need. Partly, that’s because women in privileged positions don’t openly acknowledge our own abortions. I see this as an effort to acknowledge that access to safe abortions is a universal issue. It’s not just an issue thataffects “those people.”
Anon
+1 to this. We need to push back against the narrative that abortion is always this poor, desperate choice by women who would gladly pursue adoption or have the baby if only they were provided with more help and support. Rich women of all races get abortions, married women get abortions (nearly half of them in the U.S.), young students get abortions, mid-career professionals get abortions, and yes, poor women get abortions. We are all united by the biological reality of being female in a world that hates females, even though our individual stories and circumstances differ.
nasty woman
YES. This brief shares stories that are not considered as often in the abortion debate. Lots of conversation around abortion revolves around women who are far less privileged than most lawyers– and there are many good reasons for that. And, many anti-choice or middle-of-the-road people wrongfully associate the decision to have an abortion with characteristics like laziness, irresponsibility, poverty, poor education, carelessness, thoughtlessness, selfishness, promiscuity, etc. Stories from lawyers, who are generally considered *not* to possess those traits, help reverse that wrong and harmful narrative in many people’s eyes. (Note that I think this in and of itself is problematic, as it perpetuates the idea of “good women” and “bad women” in very racist/classist ways, but the reality is that you might have to take baby steps and first address things in terms that someone who is racist/classist can understand to get anywhere.) Abortion is not always a decision shrouded in shame and desperation.
Finally, like it or not, but judges are lawyers. I can see Gorsuch relating to a married, young associate at a white shoe law firm whose IUD failed more than he would relate to a single, minority woman who works a minimum wage job, who already has children, and who wasn’t able to negotiate condom use or took the pill inconsistently. Same with many other law makers.
Anonymous
This seems to be a bit “look at how this issue matters to rich white women.”
Anon
Quit trying to sow racial division. Being a white woman is not a protection against needing an abortion or this world’s rampant misogyny.
Anonymous
This is a group that historically has had options. And a lot of cases deal with impacts to a theoretical person who has to take time off of work, pay for travel and hotel, etc. Not an issue where you have $ / can go to Canada / can have private doctor be helpful / can just take all of your BC pills at once and hope they induce a miscarriage.
Anon
No, that is absolutely a screwed up way to think about it. Just because some women have indeed had the funds for international travel doesn’t mean that it’s okay that they need to spend them or that it hasn’t been traumatizing and infuriating for them to have so little legal rights and respect. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to feel like a criminal sneaking onto a plane to undergo the procedure in a foreign country away from my family and friends. I especially can’t believe you would say it’s “not an issue.” Of course it’s just par for the course with a certain breed of feminist that would prefer for us all to tear each other apart in a privilege-checking contest instead of actually working to keep abortion safe and legal for all women.
Never too many shoes...
I strongly urge you to read some of the stories on the In Her Shoes FB pages which detail the pain and trauma that Irish women have undergone having to travel to another country to obtain healthcare. They will break your heart and fill you with rage in equal measure. A woman is entitled to healthcare services where she lives, works, pays taxes and exists. End of story.
anon
Being able to get around misogynistic laws hopefully, in some cases, doesn’t mean it’s “not an issue.” Also, consider that there are women with very wanted pregnancies that will be negatively affected by these laws. Even rich white women have babies with devastating fetal abnormalities or health issues, and they shouldn’t be expected to hop on a plane to Canada to deal with it, or be forced to carry a doomed pregnancy to term. That’s cruel.
anon
I’m pregnant. I’ll be able to do my fetal anomaly screening in December, which is just a few weeks before my state’s “heartbeat bill” would have taken effect had it not been stayed by a court. I’m very aware that, absent that ruling, should I find myself in the terrible position of needing to terminate this much-wanted pregnancy to save my own life or spare my baby a painful and early death, I’d have to fly to another state. Having the money to do that means I won’t worry about the $$ but I can’t tell you how horrible the prospect is of being alone with my husband in a city where we have no friends or family, dealing with the aftermath of a termination in a hotel room.
Seventh Sister
My 11yo didn’t understand a plotline on Derry Girls about a character going to England to have an abortion, and her eyes got really, really big when I told her about the X Case (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attorney_General_v._X). X was three years older than my daughter, which seemed to make an impression. She did cut me off when I started talking about Savita Halappanavar, but at least she listened a little bit?
Anon
Seventh Sister – thank you for this link to the X case, I did not know about it either and my eyes are getting really big as I read it.
anon
I think you’re off the mark. Even rich white women are allowed to be grateful for and advocate for abortion access and share their stories. Paul Weiss is speaking on behalf of those women but not to the exclusion of anyone else.
anon
I love the assumption that all female lawyers are rich and white. Lawyers I know who’ve had abortions include a white legal services attorney who makes less than $30,000/year and a Native American human rights lawyer who, although now well-compensated, was broke and hours away from a clinic at the time. She attempted an at-home abortion strategy and ended up in an ER with sepsis. (Fortunately, she survived and recovered; there was a risk she’d need a hysterectomy.) None of my white biglaw friends have told me that they had abortions, although I know some probably have, statistically speaking.
Anon
I know, right? That assumption alone tells us a lot about that poster’s views on race and success.
anon
A similar amicus brief was filed on behalf of 113 lawyers who had abortions in 2016 in Whole Women’s Health v. Hellerstedt, the last SCOTUS abortion case. I think the goal is to make the Justices realize their decisions impact people they know. Think of Justice Powell’s famous comment that he did not know any gay people (made to a gay clerk). He then case the decisive vote upholding criminal bans on same-sex intimacy.
Sf
Yoga with Adrienne- are you doing her free yoga channel or has anyone signed up for her subscription? Is it worth it? I like having a bit more direction and focus, but it’s unclear what her subscription offers extra.
anon
I love the free classes, have never tried the subscription.
anon
I have the subscription. She has additional practices on there that aren’t available on YouTube. I find it to absolutely be worth $10/month, especially since I don’t pay for a yoga studio. The membership only practices are really good.
Anon
Last night, things ended with a guy who I had been seeing for a few months, and about whom I had been excited and optimistic. I’m not devastated, and will survive, but I am sad and finding it hard to concentrate on work. Dating in your 30s is hard.
Anonymous
It is so hard, I’m sorry it’s particularly rough for you today.
Anon
I’m sorry. It’s ok to be sad, and to indulge in some relaxing, comforting self care tonight or this weekend. You’re awesome and the right thing is out there. Signed, also 30s and dating.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Hugs to you.
Anon
It sucks!!! It’s so hard to date in your 30’s but better single than sorry! Being single is always better than being in a miserable relationship just because you’re afraid of being alone or having to date. I’m sure it’s for the best!
Irish Midori
Current soundtrack: Letters to Cleo. What music is getting you through the morning today?
anon
the hum of my space heater!
Anon
For those who moved into biglaw positions from being a student or in other lower paid positions, did you notice the lifestyle creep in terms of spending? What would you say were worthwhile additional expenses and what did you regret? Recently started at a firm and trying to set a budget, and how to maintain wellness/sanity during the crazy times while also throwing as much money into investments/loans as possible!
Anon
YMMV, but salaries in Big Law are so high that if I kept my fixed expenses like rent (I lived in a 1BR with my husband) and transportation (I drove an old, paid-off car) low, I could basically throw all the money I wanted at food delivery, grocery delivery, a cleaning service, a dog walker and fun (dining out, traveling) when I was able to have it while still saving a huge amount of money. All of that spending felt very worthwhile to me, especially given that I was able to save a lot too. Apartment living helped a lot too, since my cleaning service was cheap and I didn’t have to pay for yardwork, snow removal or any maintenance. (Now that I’m a home owner I feel like I spend SO MUCH MONEY just keeping my home in working order, and we haven’t had any major problems.) I’m glad I avoided the trap of buying luxury clothes/handbags. I kept shopping at mall brands and am very glad I didn’t upgrade my wardrobe, especially since I’m now in a totally casual office with no need for suits or business attire.
Karne
I’ve been wondering about this. I’m not in big law or big law salary but I make a decent amount and I work at least 10 hrs a day. This is a fairly new job and after being a poor grad student for a while. I’ve been debating whether things like hello fresh which make my life quite a bit nicer are worth the money and an acceptable way to spend money that I now have, or if I should be more frugal.
Anon
I avoided this by sitting down and thinking 1) what are my priorities, 2) what do I need to farm out to maintain any semblance of life, and for the first two questions – what is my pain point on pricing. If something didn’t make the first two, everthing was “as cheap as possible to be acceptable”. This helped me establish a budget, and if something was over budget there was no reasoning, the answer is “I don’t have the money for this”
For one example,living close to work to reduce commute time and being very close to the areas of time where there was lots going on was the most important priority. When your time is limited, travel time wasted time. Functionally this meant I made an active choice to live in a more expensive apartment due to location, but size wasn’t important to me so I went “as cheap as possible to be acceptable” for that location.
Anon
Housekeeper: so worth it ($140/wk, DC, 3/2 house). Being less careful with food spending and clothes prices have been trouble spots for me. Nickles and dimes still ad up.
Anonymous
Yes and no. I spent more on housing than I had before, but was frugal in other areas. I think the easiest area for lifestyle creep when working biglaw hours is the desire to “reward” yourself for working so hard/so late by online shopping. It’s also easy to blow tons of money on conveniences like eating out for every meal. For me…
Worthwhile:
– Apartment: Nicer apartment in good location, close to work. Paying extra for a short commute and a place I enjoyed coming home to was super worth it to me.
– Travel: I tried to take one big vacation a year. Didn’t always happen, but spending a bit extra for a nicer hotel and some cool experiences while traveling was always worth it to me.
Skipped:
– Cleaning service: my NYC apartments were always so small that I could do a weekly clean in an hour or less.
– Laundry: I always did it myself because I only lived in buildings with a laundry room so I could access a washer/dryer at my convenience. Did a lot of late night laundry loads.
– Gym: Another benefit of a nicer building was a free in-building gym.
Anonymous
Shockingly high housing payments. I went to BigLaw after clerking (I had a >1 hour each way car commute so that I could bunk at home). I then rented a 1BR for more than my parents’ mortgage on a 4 BR house b/c I had zero time to commute, an aging car (but paid for!), and traffic was so horrid that arrival time was never predictable (bad optics). Plus, my car would break down and got hit once, further keeping me away from my desk.
As my life has changed, the shockingly high housing payment never went away. You look at where I live and it is not fancy and if you showed it to undergrads as where they would live in BigLaw, they might just cry. And that is before saying what it costs. Maybe people from big cities are used to this, but the bad news is that if I lost my job, no one in my family could help me with my bills b/c housing and loan repayments are orders of magnitude higher than what they have ever seen or heard of.
Anon
Worthwhile are things that buy you meaningful time and that help you make the most of your time – cleaning service, spending $$$ on a home close to work to avoid commutes, late afternoon dog walker, and vacations. Trust me, when you’re working 8am to 9pm (and that’s only during moderately busy times), the last thing you want to do is drive 45 minutes. After I almost crashed driving to the suburbs at 11 pm after multiple days of 4 hr sleep, I immediately moved 8 minutes from work.
Things that weren’t worth it – just about all the unnecessarily expensive physical goods I bought. No one saw my purse walking around the office, no one noticed or cared about my middle of the road car, shoes or clothes so long as they were clean, well tailored, and didn’t look super duper cheap (even most of the big law female partners were wearing Ann Taylor and BHWM half the time), and that 5,000 restoration hardware sofa is not any more beautiful or comfy and lasted the same amount of time as the 1,000 sofa.
Cat
+1
Anon
I went crazy on all the food and drinks (Craft beer at $50/bottle! Wine! Whisky! Fine dining! Lobster!) to (over)compensate myself for the lack of control I felt. I also spent a not-insignificant on random office gadgets that weren’t that helpful because what’s another $200? It was awhile before I figured out what was worth it to me (cleaning service, small apartment a 5 minutes’ walk from the office but with in-unit laundry, occasional dining out, week-long vacations when I could manage it) and what wasn’t (designer handbags, expensive but uncomfortable shoes, clothes I didn’t love at first sight). I probably wasted a lot of money my first couple of years, but I guess it helped me figure out what I actually liked, wanted vs needed. I still saved $4,000 per month, so I’m calling it a win.
Anonome
Question about fixing bad hair color.
I’ve been going to the same salon and getting the same thing done for about four years now. I get a root touch-up to hide my 25% gray and match the rest of my hair as it grows out. I’ve been very happy with the result and the service up to this point.
This week, the stylist informed me that the salon switched hair dye brands, and she would mix the “equivalent” color for me in the new brand. She also mentioned offhand that the new brand has a lot fewer color options than the old brand, and the stylists are not happy with it. The result SUCKS. My dark ash brown hair now has an inch of reddish-gold, light brown roots.
Is there any point in going back and asking for a fix? As far as I can tell, the only change is the new dye brand, and the service/skill level has nothing to do with it. Am I better off just communicating that I won’t return due to the dye quality, and going elsewhere?
NYNY
Absolutely go back to have it fixed, and make sure the salon owner sees the results before your stylist fixes it, since the decision to change probably came from above. You should not be charged for the visit. If the new color brand is that bad, then you can insist on your stylist using the old one.
Anon
As a licensed stylist, she absolutely can buy that brand of dye herself to use on clients currently using it – you can reimburse her for it if necessary and just bring it with you to your appointments. I’m sorry, your salon switching dyes, forcing your clients into colors they don’t want is such terrible judgment, I’d switch stylists honestly.
Just no
I work FT. I leave early every day to: exit parking garage before it becomes a hot mess that backs up to the point of adding 15 minutes to any trip; pick up kids from school before aftercare closes at 6; drive through 3 neighborhoods with frequent street closures to get home; unload car and any groceries purchased enroute and all work carried home; somehow make dinner occur before there is rioting due to hunger; ensure homework has been done or is getting done; review requets for permissions slips or conference or other school things; respond to work e-mails while prepping dinner; and generally not explode.
DO NOT CALL ME IN THIS WINDOW UNLESS SOMETHING IS ON FIRE.
Do not send snarky texts with questions that could have been asked earlier or later or aren’t urgent.
Do not be a contractor asking me if I can move my car NOW b/c of something that might happen in the morning.
Just no.
Anonymous
Similar: I am a person. I am not Google or Siri. Pls stop asking me questions. I have never signed up to be The Answerer. [This has been the case since I was a kid. It used to infuriate my slightly younger sibling that I would just answer all of her questions, like that was my job somehow, when if I had figured out random things about life or bothered to look something up, why cannot that just be done generally by people?!]
Now, unless I am at work and someone is paying me to answer questions, my answer just tends to be “I don’t know; what do you think about X.” Not taking on any more tasks.
Also infuriating:
“What do you want for X (dinner, color choice, etc.)?
“ABC”
“Are you sure?”
Um, if I were unsure, I would have said that. But I didn’t and didn’t convey hesitation or undertainty. And re what I think about things, I am pretty damn sure of my opinions or IDGAF (which I am capable of saying). It is so infantilizing and makes me stabby.
Anon
Preach!
ElisaR
yup.
Anon
I find that people respect me less for leaving early (4:30). Idgaf what they think because work isn’t my life and I get in way earlier than most of my colleagues, but it’s unfair and annoying that so many people act like that.
Cat
Eh, this sounds kind of whiny. Like everyone else has an easy commute and they’re bugging you for fun? No. You work nonstandard hours so expecting your colleagues to refrain from contacting you after 4:30 is unrealistic. You might have better luck training them to email you rather than text or call?
Anon
Yea this is a bit much. I’m sure your life is busy but so is everyone else’s. If you don’t want people contacting you, don’t answer. Don’t blame others for not fitting into your world. I’m sure your schedule is inconvenient for them too.
anon
Right. I hate to agree, and I don’t mean this as snarky as it sounds, but all I can think is “you and everyone else.” My 5 mile drive took 50 minute last night. The night before I got caught behind a band of *rollerskaters* on a main thoroughfare. We are all burdened.
Don’t answer the non urgent calls or texts. They’re not urgent. Don’t move your car immediately. The contractor is telling you now because *his* day is wrapping up and he needs to go home too. He’s just trying to do his job.
Anon
+1 Seriously. Just don’t answer your phone.
Rowledge?
Does anyone here have the Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack? I have the OMG and don’t love it, but mostly because it gets heavy and hurts my shoulders. The design of the Rowledge looks good but I’m wary of shelling out $$$ for another bag if it’s not perfect.
FFS
I have it and I do love it. The pockets are great, holds everything I need, and is very comfy. I got it on sale and with a gift card from a relative, so I ended up paying $200 and it was well worth it. The last two years I think the whole site went half off on Black Friday, so I’d hold out. It was only in black when I bought it – they have other colors now, but I don’t think they look as nice because they still have the black leather on the front pocket.
anon
Does anyone have a recommendation of good things to read/listen to/ watch on developing executive presence? I hate that term and refuse to pay money to work on this, but…uh…I need to work on this. TIA!
Coach Laura
Executive Presence by Sylvia Hewitt. I’ve read many of her books and this one is good. Another book on making good decisions is Business Brilliant by Lewis Schiff.
Anon
Posting again this morning because I got some awesome responses late last night! What is the percentage breakdown that gets recommended here (or what do you do) when you get an unexpected lump sum of money? So save/splurge/debt/donate etc.
Anon
I think this totally depends on personal goals. If I’m saving for a big ticket item in the future (house, car, vacation) it all gets dumped into that fund. If I need to up my emergency fund, it all gets dumped in there and I put any extra into the market. If I have debt over 3% I will put all of it into the debt. I might donate 10% if I’m in the mood. I think it’s a bit foolish to stick to a save, splurge, debt, donate ratio. It totally depends on current needs and the amount of money, and it’s super consumerism promoting to buy something you had no plans to just because you came into some money (focusing on the splurge piece).
Anon
I agree that you should reassess based on current needs and priorities. The one caveat is that I do think it is important (and this is based on recommendation from a financial planner) to allow yourself a small amount to splurge before allocating the rest to savings or bigger priorities. Psychologically speaking, occasional splurges can help you stay on better track with reaching your goals for savings or debt repayment. I have a wish list of things or experiences and tend to pick one of those as a treat when I get a bonus or other big chunk of unexpected money. Or if there is nothing on my wish list at the moment I will put aside the splurge money in a separate savings to use in the future.
Anon
I save it all until I know what else (if anything) I want to do with it. I personally don’t like the “I got a lot of money, give me ideas for what to spend it on” approach because if you don’t have something specific you want to purchase, it’s just mindless consumption. In my house, all the savings are in one pot, we add bonuses/extras there as well, and we tend to spend more money on travel and hobbies than possessions. That means that we don’t usually spend any extra money at the same time that we get it unless there happens to be a trip planned that week or something. If we had any debt, we would pay that off before any splurges. Of course, it’s also a good time to think about your charitable donations.
anonshmanon
all of this. I could have written it myself!
Anonymous
Tithing for donating, so 10%. I default to the various religions on this.
That leaves 90%, so not accounting for taxes: 40% save; 40% debt; 10% splurge.
Anon
Invest 80-90% and spend the remainder.
Anonymous
We save it all and then when we have a need or a genuine, well-thought out want, use it then. This approach really helped us out this year when we banked my husband’s bonus and needed it to pay for our dog to have surgery. If we had blown the bonus on something uncritical we would have been kicking ourselves when we had to shell out $2,500 with no notice. P.S., pet insurance is an awesome idea and saved us $8,000 in out-of-pocket costs when our dog got sick.
I agree with the whole concept that if you have to ask yourself – or especially other people – “what should I spend this money on” you are spending to spend. Sooner or later in your life there will be something to spend money on, whether it’s an emergency, a cool opportunity to take a trip with someone, a bag you see in a store and fall in love with, etc. I will say we own a home and so we generally always have an idea of something we need to do to the house if we get an unexpected windfall, but unless it’s an urgent need, we still bank the money and spend it later. Take it from someone who learned this the hard way over a number of years: impulse purchases are a bad idea, even if it’s windfall/don’t-really-need-it money you’re spending.
Cat
-If you have debt, particularly high interest debt, that takes priority. I put all but $500 of my law firm bonuses to paying down my student loans until they were gone, and allowed myself to splurge with the $500 on something I loved. One year it was a beautiful coat, another year a bag, another year it was a nicer room on a vacation we were about to take.
-For bonuses, I think the small immediate reward is nice because it ties the thing to the hard work you did to earn it. For other windfalls, I totally agree with others — unless you have something you really want, just save or invest it. Spending money for the sake of spending money isn’t rewarding!
Anon
Does anyone own a windbreaker that is fleece lined? If yes, what brand/name of jacket should I look for. I had one of these in high school — bought from a regular old department for all of $20 that served me well for like 20 years. Now though with clothing generally being cheaper esp at department stores, it’s also made more cheaply so everything out there seems to be nylon interior + exterior, which will protect against rain but won’t keep you warm in 40 degree rain. I’m thinking I may need a product that is now considered a more specialty (i.e. expensive) outdoor/hiking product from REI, LLBean etc. however those stores completely confuse me with all their talk of jacket shells and whatnot and I’m not looking to buy multiple pieces. Anyone have any ideas? When I google it, the only option that comes up is Columbia’s Flash Forward Lined Windbreaker . . . but I imagine there are others and I’m just not looking in the right place.
Never too many shoes...
I bought something exactly like this for my husband last year at Costco. Fleece lined with a substantial nylon outer layer.
https://www.costco.ca/kirkland-signature-women's-softshell-jacket.product.100479504.html
Miss
I bought one this year at Costco. It’s too cold to wear it now, but it’s great for chilly, rainy days.
Abby
I own this one too – I also own the Flash Forward windbreaker (mine isn’t advertised as lined). For any substantial rain, I’d get something similar to the Costco jacket…the windbreaker from Columbia is light and thin enough to fold up so it’s great for travel, but it doesn’t keep you very warm.
Anon
This jacket! https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-hooded-squall-winter-jacket/id_341188?attributes=20696,43307,43326,43653,44967.
Anon
I have and still wear the 25 year old version of this: https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/120871?page=women-s-stormfleece-pro-hoodie&bc=&feat=stormfleece-SR0&csp=a&searchTerm=stormfleece
Actually, I’m tempted to order this one… I really like the purple/blue.
Melanie
Ladies golf wear tends to have great options for this that are stylish. lorisgolfshoppe.com is a good spot, as is golf4her.com. Land’s End is good but tends to be on the boxier side IMO.
Good luck!
Anon - Supporting Friend through firing
I have a friend who is getting fired today. She is currently on maternity leave and got a call on Monday asking her to come into the office to meet with the managing partner today. She’s been with the firm for 3 years and has never had a performance conversation (they don’t do formal reviews, and she’s not had a conversation where she got negative feedback). I don’t think she was an all star, but I know she couldn’t hang on weekends because she was working 8-10 hours on Saturday and Sunday. (small law)
My first reaction is that it is absolutely insane for them to fire her while she’s on maternity leave, especially given the fact that they never brought up any issues previously. But I think the general advice is not to jump to discrimination claims because it’s worse for the employee? Is that still true here?
More generally, this is crushing her self-esteem. Her attitude is that she must be so terrible if they can’t even wait for her to return from her unpaid maternity leave to fire her. For anyone who has been fired before, what specifically was supportive/helpful from your friends?
Anon
Different situation as mine was a pushout from biglaw and didn’t involve maternity leave — but I’d say — say little to nothing, esp if you are in the same industry and you get to keep your job and she doesn’t. Sometimes you can be condescending without realizing it — just because the person is in such a sensitive place. You can let her know you’re willing to chat as much or little as she wants and then drop it — she can raise it or not. And no matter what you do — if you are in the same industry — do not complain about work.
anon
is she on FMLA? If so, firing her is potentially iffy.
Irish Midori
FMLA probably doesn’t apply, if it’s small law. You have to have 50 employees to have FMLA protections. It sucks.
Anon
Are you certain she’s going to be fired? They aren’t bringing her in for some ancillary reason?
If she is, in fact, getting fired, the best you can do for her is to support her, work your network to help her out, be a sounding board if she’s considering a discrimination claim, and pick up the tab at dinner every so often.
Anon
My old firm fired someone under these exact circumstances. She sued, and won a settlement that ate up that year’s entire bonus pool.
anon for this
I hope it’s something less ominous, like her practice group has been sold to another firm or something. But if she is fired, she should contact an employment lawyer ASAP. If you can do any legwork to vet potential counsel, that could be a big help.
Anonymous
She needs to talk to a lawyer. Seriously. If she is in fact fired, and the circumstances are remotely close to what you have described–lawyer, lawyer, lawyer.
Anonymous
Law firm partners/billing attorneys, please give me some perspective. I’m a 3rd year attorney, but I kind of feel more junior because the firm I worked at for the first 2 years was insanely dysfunctional. Partners at my current firm encourage me to bill my time, however long things take- don’t worry about how long things take, I’ll cut the time if needed. However, my experience is they rarely cut the time, and then leave me out to dry with angry clients appealing their bills and calling me with billing complaints. Maybe this is good experience and making me a better biller and problem solver, but it also sucks. FWIW I do not think the firm measures me on “realization”, but I’m not sure.
Anonymous
Are the clients calling you angry or are the partners calling you? It’s weird that the clients would be calling you as a 3rd year associate.
Anonymous
Yeah I’d be referring those calls to the partner.
Anon
This should 100% be on the partner’s list of things to deal with, not yours. If a client called me on a matter where I’m not the billing attorney, which happens rarely, I just say, “Oh I don’t handle the billing on this file, but I’ll ask partner to take a look and give you a call.”
You should 100% bill all of your time and then let the partner cut it.
OP
Clients! I just fielded such a call. Angry maybe is not the correct word, but complaining. I had to justify why I spent a significant time on a task, and then send the work product to said client. I cc’d the partner. My supervising partner is wonderful but the firm culture here is such that associates are definitely expected to handle whatever clients throw at them.
OP
Follow up/Clarification: who handles billing appeals at your firms? If it’s my billing entry getting rejected or cut by the client, I’m the one doing the appeal. On the one hand I like learning what things clients reject/cut and why, on the other I resent this is my responsibility when the partner OK’d the entry.
Cat
Each client has an ultimate point-of-contact partner (the one who is responsible for the overall relationship). Any billing questions or concerns would first go to the partner who is managing the matter in question, and he or she would discuss the issue with the main responsible partner to resolve with the client. Associates would only get involved if the partner needed more information about the time entries, but they don’t typically participate in the client conversation.
Anonymous
This is weird. I’ve had to revise my entries to comply with the client’s billing requirements (i.e.: no I did not realize “no block billing” meant I can’t use the word “and” at all, so entries like “review and analyze” get rejected). Usually the partner tells me to make the revisions, but occasionally I’ve had the client call me directly. It’s really nbd and I wouldn’t interpret that kind of call as “angry.”
As a general rule, any time a client calls you with a complaint, you should immediately tell the partner. When the client calls you, just take notes and say you’ll talk to the partner and get back to them. And then talk to the partner and ask what you should do next.
Irish Midori
It might depend on how close you are to final review and revision of bills before they go out. At my firm, everyone who has time on a bill has to review that bill before it’s sent, and as associates get more senior, they are expected to take a more active hand in this. My solution when I spend way more time on a task than I feel the client would stomach (maybe because it’s a less familiar area of law for me, not because the matter was complex), I leave the time and then apply a flat discount and make a note that that’s what I did (this way I still get internal credit for billing the hours, but maybe not the realization of revenue), or I break the entry into two lines, one billable and one non-billable, and put in the entry that I am writing off the second line. I ALWAYS show a client that they are getting free work, and they usually appreciate that and give me grace later when I feel I do need to bill a large entry.
Anonymous
I’m in my thirties. My high school boyfriend (who is married 10 years plus) offered me his crave password (I’m also married, 7 years). We’ve had an on and off friendship since we were 13. We live on opposite side of the country and are unlikely to meet in person ever. Mostly we talk about books (we read the same book and discuss).
Can I use his crave account? Is that weird? I feel like if my husband let an ex girlfriend use his Netflix password I would not be impressed
Anon
Why don’t you just tell your husband? If he’s not comfortable with it, don’t do it.
Cat
It’s like $10 a month right? Seems worth it not to be awkwardly sharing an account with an ex.
Anonymous
Yes this is weird…it’s like $10 get your own account.
Anonymous
Talk to your husband. The fact that you don’t feel comfortable mentionning it to your husband should be a red flag to you.
I wouldn’t do it but then I don’t feel like an adult if I’m mooching other peoples accounts.
Crave cheap person
We are in a different country so it’s closer to $20. Basically he wanted me to watch a show to discuss it with him and I’ve refused to get anything other than netflix and don’t particularly want to watch much of the show.
So all good :) cheers
In-House in Houston
Does anyone have a TUMI promo code? I’m going to bite the bullet and buy a bag and of course when I got to check-out the promo code option came up. I looked online for a code, but none of the typical sites that give codes worked. TIA ladies!
NY CPA
No code, but they had their semi-annual sale in November last year, if you dont mind waiting a few weeks to see if whatever you want to buy goes on sale! I got a super classic black carry-on suitcase and saved hundreds. I also got one of their backpacks in a really pretty navy color.
In-House in Houston
Ooh, thank you! I can wait a few weeks!!
Anonymous
Construction/tipping question:
TL/DR: our site lead is a partial owner in the business, do we tip him?
We contracted with a GC to do a $300k construction job that was supposed to last 6 months. That was a year ago. Over the course of the project, the GC all but disappeared [ie he was in Europe for 4 weeks this summer and we had no idea; the project went on full steam without him]. Our Project/Site lead, who is our GC’s son and is taking over the business, transitioned from “site lead” to “our only contact and really our GC.” The son is in the process of taking over the business and from conversations, this project was really one where he was half GC and half site lead.
The project dragged on and was a huge PITA, but it is over. Apparently. We had like, no communication other than “things are wrapping up, here’s my punch list let’s add anything else you might have to it.” Then the tools slowly disappeared from our garage and last Thursday our site lead/only contact was packing up when i got home from work and he handed me his house key and was like “yeah i might swing by if i’ve forgotten anything but we are done!” Two days later, we got a final bill from our GC.
We are happy with the work. It just felt like there was no final…anything. So it didn’t even cross my mind until today as I wrote the final check for the project that perhaps i should give some kind of tip/bonus to my site lead (who has been at my house basically every day for a year). He’s a full employee in the business, he partially owns it, in the next year or two will fully take it over and he is more or less our GC (even though his 75 year old father is the one that invoices me– that is literally all he does).
Do I give our site guy/son a tip? How much? Through the mail?
I expected..I’m not sure what, just some kind of more formal project close out where monies would be exchanged. And the fact that he really ended up as our GC is blurring the lines for me a lot. FWIW, as a GC he was a terrible communicator; as a site lead/do-er of work, his craftsmanship and ability to work around my family was wonderful).
Anonymous
No. You don’t tip contractors. You can tell the son you were impressed with his work and offer to be a reference for future clients if that’s true.
RR
No, you don’t tip your construction site lead. This is just not something that requires tipping. You contracted the price with a company he partially owns. Just no. (Not trying to direct frustration at you, but tipping culture is out of control if this is even a question.)
anon
no, you don’t tip the contractor lead. My husband is a GC. If you appreciate their work, you give them repeat business and refer them to your friends. When contractors are working at my house for an extended period of time, to show appreciation, my husband may ‘bonus’ them with small consumable gifts – usually some vegetables from our garden, or some of the yummy smoked sausage sticks he had made at the butcher, or baked goods. He has done this for many years and has a strong network of contractors he can call on.
Anonymous
Of course not.
Anon
I wish I could wear paper bag pants but they just look awful on me. Hour glass shape with a short waist and DD chest. They turn my hourglass into a matronly apple shape and make me look like Erkel (sp?). I’ll never be able to do this trend.