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Happy Fourth of July, guys! May everyone have a long, relaxing weekend. I'll admit it: I'm enough of a dork that I have holiday-themed PJs. I like these Make + Model PJs because they're only kinda-sorta patriotic — if you end up wearing them into August (or, hey, year-round), you're set. (If you prefer shorts, check out this style.) They're $38 at Nordstrom, available in regular and plus sizes. Make + Model ‘Freedom' Jogger Sweatpants
Psst: Have you guys seen the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale catalog yet? It just came out — I'm excited to see the return of the shoulder bag for fall.
Psst 2: Don't forget to check out our Fourth of July sale roundup for workwear — we'll keep updating it throughout the weekend!
As of 2024, some of readers' favorite pajama brands include Nordstrom's Moonlight line, Soma Cool Nights, Lake Pajamas, PrintFresh, Under Armour, Lunya, Anthropologie, and (on the budget side), Stars Above. (Pajamas also make great gifts!)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
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Anonymous
I’m shocked that I like these!
CountC
Me too. They look really comfy and are cute!
Wildkitten
I’m not surprised that I love them.
Anonymous
Has anybody had any luck doing a stylish above ground pool? Or have you seen one? Any resources?
We really want a pool, but our backyard has a lot of old city pipes running through it, so we can’t dig. I was thinking an above ground pool might work. I was imagining just making it look like a fountain, basically. Maybe something kind of modern, concrete.
Also, any idea whether that would be more or less expensive than a regular sunken pool?
Anonymous
No resources, but a house in my neighborhood has an above-ground pool that they built a deck around and it turned out really well! You can’t see the sides of the pool at all, and it has the appearance of an in-ground.
Anonymous
Second the deck idea. It’s also really great to be able to have a lockable gate on the deck to keep kids out of the pool when they aren’t supervised. This is harder to do with in-ground pools.
Senior Attorney
I just did a search for “above-ground pool” on houzz.com and came up with some great looking photos. A lot of them have stone on the sides… pretty!
CountC
Before you get too far down that path, check to make sure you can cover up that much of the yard/access to the pipes. Won’t the city need access to the pipes? Or are they old pipes that are not in use?
CountC
I wasn’t trying to be rude, so I apologize if it came off that way.
Anonymous
Not rude at all. It’s worth thinking about. I am not sure if they’re still in use. Our house is over 100 years old, so the records from back then are not very clear.
Snick
Some jurisdictions require a permit for an above-ground pool, so I’d check into that.
All the cake
We did this in my house growing up–above ground with a deck all the way around. In our case, it was primarily for perceived cost reasons (we were able to dig and did for the deep end). We did 10 feet of deck on 2 sides to have a lounging area, and then just 3 feet on the other two sides so there was enough room to walk all the way around comfortably and stand on the edge to use the cleaning net on days we didn’t want to get in.
As it turned out, even with doing the deck labor ourselves, the above-ground+deck turned out to cost just as much as an in-ground, and the deck required SO much maintenance. My parents said over and over again that if they could do it again, they’d do in-ground. I know in-ground isn’t an option for you, but just throwing it out there that above ground can be just as expensive–psychologically, that can be hard to stomach when it may not even be the look you want.
If you want a more modern look though, perhaps there are deck materials you could use that would give you that look and also wouldn’t require as much ongoing maintenance. I believe ours was cedar, which contributed to the wood cost and maintenance.
Pool Owner
Super-late to the party, but we have a (reasonably) stylish above-ground pool (courtesy of the former homeowners, we probably wouldn’tve installed it ourselves) and the way it’s set up, we have a deck built around one half of it and a fence/landscaping built around the other, so basically, you can never actually see the walls of the pool from the outside, and when you’re up on the deck it feels like an in-ground pool.
Check your local rules about your concrete idea, if you go that route – at least where I live, there are a lot less rules about installing a traditional above-ground pool (because it’s considered a temporary structure) compared with installing anything concrete.
Contractors
Any Boston area ladies have a recommendation for a contactor on the South Shore?
thigh teeth
What kind of work are you looking at?
Good Boston area neighborhoods for MIT commute
Any Boston area ladies have recommendations for good, commuter-friendly neighborhoods that would make for a relatively easy commute via train to MIT? Via train is key, here :)
Jen
For school (temp) or work (relatively permanent)? Are you renting or buying? And…anyone with you? SO/kids? Do you have a car or pets? Budget?
Good Boston area neighborhoods for MIT commute
Rent. For at least 2 years (if it ends up being longer than that, we’ll buy at that point). Me plus husband, plus large dog. We have one car (but no one will be commuting by car). Kids are imminent (in the next year or two).
We’d like to stay under 3K for a 3BR.
Anonymous
More than five years ago, I paid almost $3K for a 1 bedroom near MIT. For that budget, I think you’re going to have live pretty far out – I’d look along the Red Line, Davis Sq or Alewife areas. You may have to go further out of the city along the Fitchburg Line, which connects to the red line at Porter Square, but a combo of commuter rail + subway is not an easy commute.
Good Boston area neighborhoods for MIT commute
So, yes, we’re definitely interesting in living further out (so, not “near MIT”), because I fully recognize that 3k does not get you a 3BR within walking distance of MIT. Hence the train :)
Anonymous
Right, but I’m not sure if by “train” you mean commuter rail or subway. Subway commutes aren’t bad at all, but I’m skeptical you can find something that fits that budget anywhere on the T. Commuter rail commutes are pretty brutal, especially if you have to then get on the T, and no commuter rail goes directly to Kendall Square.
Good Boston area neighborhoods for MIT commute
I should have been clearer in my original post!
By “train” I mean commuting by a combo of commuter rail + T or just T alone. Either works. I’m familiar enough with Boston to know the transit set-up (was there for college), so I understand that Kendall isn’t a stop on any commuter rail.
But since I haven’t lived there as an adult (just a student in student housing), I’m looking for advice from people more familiar with the train commutes. In other words, Quincy is on the redline, but what is the average ride time to Kendall? You can be a short and pleasant walk from the train in Reading, but when you factor in switching from commuter rail to T, how long is that commute overall? Etc.
thigh teeth
It’s about 20 minutes, give take, from Quincy Center to Kendall on the Red Line. It can be 30 or so at the slowest points of the peak commute times.
Depending on what kind of lifestyle you’re looking for, you might want to spend a few more $$ to live at the other end of the line. I grew up in Quincy and have a bunch of family still there, and can confidently tell you that if you want an accessible, city-life experience, Quincy will disappoint you. It occupies a weird no-man’s land between city and suburb; much like shampoo plus conditioner, it does neither thing well.
Anonymous
you need to go way out. I would do the redline as far out as you can (try alewife, porter, davis is too hip for that price range i think). If you want to go further out I think arlington is probably do-able and you can bus or drive to alewife and take the red line. You can also perhaps do further up in east cambridge near lechmere (last I’ve looked, you can get a 2 br for 2500, 3br for 3200 but it will be older and not super nice).
Anon A3
I’d stay on the MIT side of the river if you want to cut down on commute time, but anywhere on the Red Line isn’t too bad. The Green line can be a nightmare. If you are thinking Commuter, it’s much easier to get the Red Line from South Station, which limits the Commuter runs to south and east of town.
Anon Boston
Co-sign the woes of the Green Line.
We moved to Boston shortly after my train-and-subway-loving husband saw the Harry Potter films for the first time. He immediately pronounced the Green Line to be “The Muggle Line”.
GCA
I’m late to this party, but try Alewife – a number of my grad student friends with families live there. (We live in on-campus grad student family housing, which alas does not allow pets. 2 years – is this a postdoc or MBA? Also, when the time comes, hit me up for new parent resources at MIT.)
Or look at Nearer Arlington (at least, I think of it that way) – there are some nice family-heavy neighbourhoods a few minutes’ walk from Alewife T. Or if you’re willing to walk a little further, Davis near Tufts?
Green line is a nightmare with stroller. Much as I like the fast-gentrifying Allston – do not recommend.
Anonymous
Savin Hill, in Dorchester? You might be able to find something like that in a triple decker. I’d stay near the JFK/UMASS or Savin Hill lines, but it’s a pretty direct line and easy commute if you’re all red line.
purplesneakers
Does anyone have healthy snack ideas? I’m trying to shift to a healthier lifestyle and my love for all kinds of junky keeps tripping me up. I’m not a huge fan of hummus or trail mix, so other suggestions would be lovely!
Monday
Crunchy chickpeas! I just discovered them and they come in many flavors. Look near the vegetable chips and nut bars at the grocery store.
Amelia Earhart
I know you said you’re not a fan of trail mix, but Target has a trail mix called peanut butter monster and it’s kind of like my personal crack: peanut butter covered pretzels, peanuts, peanut butter m&ms.
Anonymous
Not sure this fits the healthy request.
CJM
This sounds amazing! And a small portion is a healthy snack. Wtf?
Wildkitten
Moderator versus abstainer. I would eat the whole bag and it would not be healthy. You do you.
Abby
You must moderate your food intake unless you want to become a cat lady as you age out. Men prefer that we not act as food vacuums when they take us out.
techgirl
HA!
Kiki
I agree – not healthy
Anonymous
Portion control is my big challenge with snacks. I’ll mindlessly eat even healthy things like almonds so that by the time I’m finished, I might as well have eaten a bag of chips. I portion out carrot sticks, make-at-home trail mix (just nuts and dried fruit), popcorn (using my air popper and tossed with some flavored olive oil and salt), and fresh fruit (I’m currently on a cherry kick) on Sundays so I just grab and go during the week. I’ve found that air popped popcorn doesn’t really get stale unlike microwave popcorn.
Sydney Bristow
Portion control is my big thing too. I got a digital food scale and a bunch of various size Tupperware containers and also portion things out on Sundays. Im trying to get more protein so most of my snacks are focused on that.
My go to snacks lately have been:
Cottage cheese
String cheese
Dannon light and fit Greek yogurt
Grapes (frozen)
Beef jerky
Nuts
Clementine
I like to keep my snacks healthy, low in calories, and for me it’s crucial to have different options to choose from. Here’s a list of what’s in my regular rotation:
-String Cheese
-Seaweed snacks- TJ’s has wasabi ones and Costco has individual packs in bulk.
-Sliced cucumber with either salt and vinegar (if you like salt and vinegar chips) or a Laughing Cow wedge to spread on them
-Cut up fruit. If you want to be really classy, you can do a slim slice of prosciutto wrapped around melon
-Carrot sticks with yogurt dip (I do lemon juice, yogurt, dill, salt)
-Trader Joe’s Blueberry Breakfast biscuits. These live in my desk and aren’t so delicious that I’ll eat them all at once.
-Plain (for me, not fat free) yogurt with some frozen berries. I buy big tubs of yogurt and pack the berries still frozen in my little container with my yogurt. They’re still semi-frozen at snack time.
Anonymous
Kale chips? Pita chips? Yogurt + honey? What are you looking for when you snack? What are you currently snacking on? I currently snack on starbursts, and I’m trying to find a healthier alternative but it’s challenging — I want something sweet and chewy. So far, grapes are a decent substitute.
Inveterate snacker
Dried apricots might be a good fit for you.
anon
be prepared that dried apricots, similar but not quite as intense as prunes, can cause digestive issues. do not recommend a whole bag on the regular
anonypotamus
I love dried apricots (and other dried fruits) but have a terrible reaction unless I selected unsulphered dried fruits. They tend to look grosser (brown, more wrinkly), but don’t give me the stomach/digestive issues that I encounter otherwise. Trader Joes has a pretty good selection. I know there is no official connection between sulfa drugs and sulfites but I am allergic to the former and very sensitive to the latter.
anonypotamus
I love dried apricots (and other dried fruits) but have a terrible reaction unless I selected unsulphered dried fruits. They tend to look grosser (brown, more wrinkly), but don’t give me the stomach/digestive issues that I encounter otherwise. Trader Joes has a pretty good selection. I know there is no official connection between sulfa drugs and sulfites but I am allergic to the former and very sensitive to the latter.
Anonymous
Popcorn with garlic salt.
Anonymous
Snap peas. I get them in pre washed organic packages. I started out eating them with a little ranch dressing but got to the point I didn’t need the dressing. Easy, healthy, low calorie and has a nice crunch.
Stormtrooper
dried seaweed fixes my salt cravings.
I love coconut chips. Either plain or flavored with cocoa.
I like spicy foods so I make my own buffalo cashews. You can Google that and it’s a simple recipe for a spicy, salty snack. Just watch portions and you’re good to go.
Cashew butter plus either dried applies or fresh apples.
Monte
What does it for you while snacking, and what can you resist binging on? I am not a pastry kind of person, so one chocolate chip cookie would work for me. Same with nuts, seeds, and vegetable chips. None of those things will make me crazy, and I will feel satisfied when done snacking an appropriately measured serving. But hummus, granola, dried fruit, or cheese? I will keep eating until there is nothing left.
So what habits are you trying to undermine?
Never too many shoes
I always have a stash of the mini cans of flavoured tuna in my office cabinet – protein, low in carbs (depending on the flavour) and about 110 calories.
Anon for this
id love to hear from people who define success outside of work. The older I get, more I realize that you have to define success in your own terms. Since this is a s i t e of overachieving ladies, I would assume many of you are defining success in other ways besides making partner or something similar… so how do you do it?
I’m trying to give myself personal, relationship, fitness, finance and travel goals to keep motivated in all areas of my life. What ends up happening is that i feel like I’m well-rounded but not really an expert at any one thing.
Senior Attorney
You say “well-rounded but not really an expert at any one thing” like it’s a bad thing! I think that’s something to which I aspire!
As far as non-work success, every year for the past half-dozen or more years I’ve had annual goals (not resolutions, which I think are silly) and I look at them every quarter or so and see how I’m doing. Over the years they’ve ranged from “leave toxic marriage” to “take a trip to Canada” to “buy and remodel my dream house” to “handle aging parents situation with as much grace as possible.”
Ellen
Yay! Holiday Open threads I love holiday open threads! I love the Fourth of July also because there are fireworks. Yay!
Senior attorney is right. Success iswhat you make of it. For me I do NOT consider myself a success because I am 35 with NO husband and not even a boyfriend. FOOEY! Why can’t a pretty lawyer in NYC have a serious boyfriend who wants to do more then have me take my clothing off for sex? Why do men NOT want me for my MIND?
I hope a hive sister has a brother I can date and mate with. Help me before my egg’s go stale. YAY!!!!!
Sydney Bristow
I do annual goals as well. I really enjoy the process of laying it all out in December and I check in from time to time throughout the year to look at my progress.
I just started reading a really old school self help book called Psycho-Cybernetics. I just started reading a section all about the difference between success (an end state) and being successful (a continual process). You might find the book interesting.
Libra
The awesome, and admittedly hard, thing is that you get to define success for yourself. If success for you means having balance across multiple things, awesome. If it means being an expert on one thing, awesome. It may also change over time. Sounds like maybe it was important for you to be “well rounded” but now you’re ready to be more focused on one thing for a while? You could pick something and focus on it, and still decide the move on to something else later if you want.
Not sure about you, but my biggest problem is finding the courage to focus on what is important to me, rather than all the judgement around me on what I “should” do. Getting better, but still working on it.
CountC
I really like this answer. Success is how you define it, not how anyone else does. I don’t care what other people think about my choices any more. I like my job, I love my hobbies, I do what I like, how I like, when I like (within my monetary constraints), I am a good person, I am a good friend, I am a good neighbor, I pay my bills on time, I pay my taxes, I am ethical, moral, and I don’t break the law (except for speeding) – all of those things make me feel successful in life.
Trish
Loving and being loved! Lately, this has meant foregoing business networking events and/or sneaking out of work early so I can have my step-dad over for dinner earlier in the evening since my mom died and he is lonely. Or not shopping so I can watch goofy tv shows with my son. The less busy I am, the more time I have to drop everything to be there for a friend. For what it is worth, I am 50 and have a job I love but don’t make much money. Married, one kid.
Volunteer on Resume
Be careful going down this road! This is how I ended up contemplating a major career change!
I really don’t think it’s a bad thing to be a well-rounded person outside of work. Even if you want to be an expert outside of work, I think it’s normal to go through a period of trying many different things before you find any one thing that really speaks to you.
purplesneakers
Have you looked at 101 Things in 1001 Days? That might give you some ideas!
Trish
My long answer disappeared. The answer is having time for my friends and family. The less I overschedule, the more time I have to love and be loved.
LSC
+1 “The less I overschedule, the more time I have to love and be loved.” <3
b
I try to do things that make me uncomfortable and always feel really proud afterward. Some have been big (go hang-gliding on a weekend) some have been small (go without my husband to an art event this winter, etc.). Some haven’t been work but have paid off that way–sign up for speaking at an industry event even though I haven’t done any speaking and it makes me nervous. I always come back feeling so strong. And often the things that seemed scary just aren’t scary anymore. So on to new ones. Feel like I’ve had some wonderful experiences and made so many great memories this way. I guess that’s success. Feeling happy with how you’ve spent your time.
Clementine
So my goal is to have enough financially to not worry, to practice what I preach and put my money where my mouth is- staying true to my core values, to teach my son to be a functional human who I would like to be around, and to keep my marriage as something that adds to both of us rather than something that drains us both.
Fitness wise, I want to break a 2 hour half marathon… The rest are fairly amorphous, but that one is pretty concrete. And although it’s cliche, success is not being someone who waits to be happy, it’s someone who defines it themselves.
bridget
I don’t think I ever woke up and said that I wanted to be successful outside of work, but things wound up so that the “achievement” things of which I am most proud came outside of the daily job that pays my bills.
For example, I really, really *loved* my alma mater, and spent a lot of time volunteering for it because I wanted to give back. That has morphed into leadership roles in which I can make a difference, but for which I receive no remuneration.
I’ve been fortunate to have some success in work-like environments (eg, writing, research) that are again outside of my daily job.
I would define the personal stuff as “happiness,” more so than “success.”
MDMom
I feel similarly. I have to start with the premise of the question-I don’t want to be “successful,” I want to be happy. And that is an ongoing goal, not something you ever permanently accomplish. Is that what you mean or are you trying to build up your lifetime cv?
Happiness, for me, means…I don’t know how to describe it really, but paying attention to my own internal compass, prioritizing myself and my family, learning to like myself and acting accordingly. More specifically, I don’t weigh myself, I seek jobs and volunteer activities where I feel like I contribute to a purpose I find meaningful not based on salary or prestige. I make time to read for pleasure. I grow vegetables. But that’s me, happiness is so personal.
I also like to make annual goals every year. I achieve few of them. I can’t even remember last year’s. But making them is fun!
If you do mean successful in the resume sense…I’ve always been impressed by people who speak multiple languages. Thats a good goal.
Anon
I would like to be successful in my field, but only to the point where it does not interfere with my time with family and friends. Life is so short and fleeting and the best memories I have are from winter and summer trips together, time spent learning new skills together (such as water skiing), and relaxed nights watching a movie or playing a board game. I’m an introvert and do not value networking or big events with strangers, but I value those times with family. I hope to work part-time in the future (30 hours per week or so) and retire early. I guess my answer is that I will consider my life UNsuccessful if I don’t get to continue to have those experiences and share them with my children because I am working too much.
Volunteer on Resume
Related to the article linked in the Weekly News, I volunteer but don’t put it on my resume.
I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to move inhouse from a law firm to appease my family. Law firm living is not sustainable for me. So, every now and then, I apply to an inhouse position, go to an interview, and don’t get a callback. I’ve not purposefully sabotaging these interviews but my heart isn’t really in it and I’ve never had a good poker face.
I really want to go back to school to be a nurse. To make my nursing school application more competitive, to familiarize myself with a hospital setting, and to see if this is what I really want to do, I’m volunteering at a local hospital every weekend.
I haven’t put it on my resume because I don’t see other lawyers with volunteer positions on theirs. I don’t use my lawyering skills or do anything very specialized. I also don’t want to advertise this career change to my lawyer contacts until it is more of a reality.
Am I going about this wrong? Should I put my hospital volunteering on my resume?
FWIW, I volunteer with a political organization that isn’t very controversial in my region (like the NRA in Texas). After consulting with various mentors, I included it on my resume.
Anonymous
I’m confused. If you’re planning to go back to nursing school, why are you trying to get an in-house job as a lawyer? It will burn bridges with your references to have them stick their necks out for you to help you get a new job you don’t really want, when you’re planning to leave the profession imminently. (I’m a recovering lawyer, fwiw, so not judging the decision to leave the law – just confused about why you would spend so much time and energy chasing a legal job that’s very hard to get, when you want a different career.)
Volunteer on Resume
This was the deal we made with our marriage counselor over two years ago. I did do the serious job search at the time (along with all the networking and referrals and informational interviews) and for about 2 years before deciding to leave law.
I wouldn’t say I’m chasing a job. It’s more like “randomly and half-heartedly submit resume via linkedin” when my SO reminds me that I agreed to try to move inhouse. I’m applying to companies where I might have a few 2nd degree connections (usually non-legal people like HR or engineers) via LinkedIn. I have submitted a total of three resumes since deciding to change careers.
cbackson
How does your SO feel about your desire to transition to a nursing career? Wouldn’t it be better to focus on that instead of the intermediate step of forcing yourself to look for a job you don’t want?
Volunteer on Resume
She is supportive but not enthusiastic. She likes being married to a lawyer at a prestigious firm and doesn’t want to sacrifice her standard of living. I came with the house (+mortgage) that we live in and enough savings to support us through the transition and beyond. If she keeps her pink collar job, she won’t have to give up very much beyond designer purses, fancy dinners, and formal date nights. She’s a spender and doesn’t know the real state of our finances.
I have moved on to transitioning my career by starting to volunteer and I’m signed up for an evening pre-req class this fall (fingers crossed I’ll be able to actually attend class). I made this decision in April and have over 30 credits of pre-reqs to take before applying to the local nursing program and classes start only in September and January.
We have another counseling session scheduled–I kind of dread having to disclose the money situation (big vacation! bigger house! new car! gifts for everyone! She’ll have all our savings spent before we leave the office). Regarding the job search, I think 2 years of good, solid effort was enough. I’ve come to accept that I won’t get an in-house gig for whatever reason. I did a lot of work researching alternative legal careers/JD-preferred positions and none of those excite me as much as nursing. This December is when I’ll likely be getting the “up or out” review.
Anonymous
Well if you really want to save your marriage figuring out how to not view your wife with utter disdain might help.
Anonymous
Assuming you are not a troll…http://business.time.com/2012/05/23/the-term-pink-collar-is-silly-and-outdated-lets-retire-it/
Anon
How is three resumes in two years a “good solid effort!?” It sounds like a complete non-effort.
And yeah, apparently the marriage counseling is going smashingly well, what with that glowing view of your spouse. I can feel the healthy relationship.
Anonymous
So you are applying for jobs you don’t want to stay in your marriage? Maybe revisit that choice.
Volunteer on Resume
Like I said…counseling. I am revisiting that choice more than I want to be. I think marriage is forever and you have to fight for your marriage. Applying to jobs I don’t want anymore is how I’m fighting for my marriage.
Trish
Oh no! Your spouse should want you to be happy in your work.
Anonymous
And lying to your wife about your finances is helping how?
A
I think the worst case scenario of listing the volunteering on your resume is that it will signal your lack of interest in lawyering… but I have a sneaking suspicion that you may also be signalling that in your interviews. I think it’s unlikely that listing unrelated volunteer work on your resume will help your job search.
I don’t mean to discourage your job search, but in-house legal jobs are sufficiently difficult to come by, with literally dozens or hundreds of applicants for every opening, that any sense of apathy and not 100% “I WANT THIS JOB” is probably going to be a major ding. If you really WANT an in-house job, go for it and communicate that in your interviews — but if you are only applying half-heartedly as an obligation to your husband, I think you may be setting yourself up for failure.
Volunteer on Resume
Thanks! Yes, I think this is exactly what’s going on. I have a very hard time answering the question “where do you see yourself in 3 years?” with a straight face.
Funny thing is that when I was going at 100%, I only got two interviews out of dozens of applications. Of the three I’ve submitted since, I’ve had 3 interviews. Hiring is weird.
Anonymous
This doesn’t’ surprise me. You said you will get the “up or out” review in December, so you’r maybe a 7th year. That a lot more competitive than a 4th year.
applesandcheddar
Can anyone recommend some mentoring and/or networking resources? I am in DC, so local would be great, but I’m not against virtual. I’ve been in my career about 9 years now, and I think I’m really at a point where I could stick with status quo or really take things up a notch, and I am looking for guidance on what is out there to take it up! My field is in the social sciences/government so talking to other women in these areas would be really helpful to me.
JP
Is the WIN List still active? I was a member when I lived in DC after college, but I can’t remember whether I was on the younger end of participants
Anon
Not sure, but when I was a member in 2009-2010, the group skewed young.
anon
I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with this, but my PhD advisor is apparently taking a position at another university. What’s the appropriate response, besides “congratulations?
Libra
I’ve done this exact conversation. I congratulated her, asked some questions about her new role, then transitioned to what it meant for my project and how we continue working together (or not). Good luck. I ended up changing chairs, but keeping original on my committee for continuity. Which had pluses and minuses and is highly program/department/politics dependent. Be sure to structure or the way that is best for you, and consider adding for her help and insights there. Happy to answer more questions…
EB0220
I agree with this approach. I’ve also has this conversation. I did have to switch committee chairs, but my old adviser remained on my committee and joined my defense via Webex. It went fine! I do remember feeling a little surprised and upset, but it worked out just fine. It did help that my area of specialty was pretty small and laid-back, so switching to a new adviser was easy.
Sarabeth
I assume you found out from your advisor herself – in an email to all her former students or something like that? Just, “Congratulations on the new position and good luck with the move” seems like plenty to me.
Sarabeth
Seeing the above – I was assuming you’d already graduated. If not, then yes, you should ask for a meeting ASAP to talk about what the move means for you.
Anna
Honestly, you shouldn’t be saying anything, your advisor should be telling you how this will work. Obviously, it’s up to you to make a final decision about whether you stay or go with them, but they should immediately make it clear what your options are. This will depend a lot on what field you’re in and how far along you are, but it’s on them to explain a situation that might be very disruptive to your personal and professional life.
Anonymous
My experience is probably specific to the humanities, since in my field dissertation work isn’t closely tied to your advisor’s research, but: my advisor retired (unexpectedly, because of a change in her personal life) before I completed my dissertation. We had a brief conversation about what this meant for my degree progress (nothing, as it turned out), but that was it.
Our university also requires that the chair of your committee be someone other than your advisor; my chair moved to another school relatively early in the process. I did something similar in that case: scheduled a short meeting to talk about the impact that would have on my progress and wished her well.
Nd
I just a few months ago had to tell my PhD student that I’d decided to take a position at a different university. As I expected, she was a bit dismayed at first and nervous about what it would mean for her. But I’d prepared for this and explained it all and the potential impacts and options for her. Now I’ve been at the new university a month, I think she’s seen that it really hasn’t changed anything for her (she could have moved with me, but decided not to; I was able to remain her advisor though) and all is as normal. If your advisor hasn’t explained to you what the implications are – can she still be your advisor, etc – then ask her, because it’s a very natural thing to want to know, and she really should have laid all this out for you.
anon
I got staffed and have to work all weekend, and am not happy about it.
Anon A3
eeeewwwww, sorry that’s not fun!
anon in sv
Ditto. Trying to remind myself that I and much of biglaw got a big raise starting today simply because Cravath felt like it, and that having to work all weekend is the tradeoff for this job. But still. It looks really nice outside.
Anonymous
Lol, are you me? Good luck! I’ll be in another big law office thinking of you.
DC!
H and I are headed to Washington D.C. and Philadelphia for the first time. Any must see/do/eat recommendations? Best place to celebrate the 4th? Thanks!
Bonnie
If you’re going to be in DC on Monday, consider places other than the Mall to watch the fireworks. It’s always super crowded and public transport will be jammed. It’s definitely an experience but I hate crowds. :-). For a more chill venue, you could go to Meridian Hill Park to watch the fireworks then go out to eat at one of the great places along 14th St.
DCR
As a counterpoint, I say that everyone should do the 4th on the Mall once. Bring dinner and listen to the concertina front of the Capitol. How many people get to see the fireworks over the Washington monument in person? It s uniquely DC experience.
Anon
In philly, beer gardens are everywhere. Check out spruce st harbor and the south street beer garden.
The other anon
For DC, the Folklife Festival is fun on the Mall in between all of the museums. Air and Space is having an anniversary that may involve the USS Enterprise if you are trekkies. Final idea, as we just came from Denver adn saw the Women of Abstract Expressionism…the National Women Artists Museum is free (donation suggested) on the first Sunday of the month, so it’s an excuse to explore if this would be a “stretch” excursion.
Philadelphia has a lot of freebies going on with their historic sites so go early. The Franklin Institute is fun, and if you want to go off the beaten path for an awesome cheesesteak, we went to Dellasandro’s.
Fireworks on Monday in the area are likely to be challenged by rain, so pack your preferred lightweight rain gear.
Audiobook recs
Anyone have any Audible recs? I signed up for the trial period and am now suffering from ‘omg too many choices’ syndrome.
I usually read non-fiction, but am open to broadening my horizons. I’ve made a commitment to reading more books by women (preferably LGBT+ and/or women of colour) so recommendations along those lines would be great.
Books I’ve read recently and liked:
– The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jeminisin
– Packing for Mars by Mary Roach
– Cinder by Marissa Meyer
TIA!
Carrots
I just finished listening to Amy Poehler’s Yes Please and enjoyed it. There was some stuff that made me go “yep” and just kind of pause and think. And then there’s some really funny stories.
The other anon
Mary Roach has several more titles, however, other than Spook, they are closer to bodily functions – very fun to many, but mileage can vary.
Natalie Angier writes really well in Woman: An Intimate Landscape and has some biological insight into Intersex and genetics and hormones that can help people grok the gender identity spectrum more holistically.
Brene Brown has her books on Audible, and she comes from academia, but keeps it real.
Not In My Neighborhood by Antero Pietila is solid for people who would like to be more woke. He’s a scandinavian immigrant.
Anonymous
I recently finished Kindred by Octavia E. Butler, which was amazing! Its a drama set in Maryland, which was a slave state, in the early 1800s. The twist is the plot involves a young black woman from the 1970s traveling back to that time. So you have to be willing to somewhat buy into the sci-fi part!
Anonymous
Whoops, missed you prefer non-fiction, but it would be something different, for sure! And Octavia Butler is a woman of color.
gingersnap
Any advice on surviving transitions? I finished a PhD in March, and since then, nothing good has happened and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve applied for 20 jobs since my dissertation defense, without a single interview (although, two nonprofits asked me to complete followup screening questionnaires for research positions). I’m trying to be more involved with my professional organizations, but it seems to be a pretty slow time. I’ve had very little success with getting people even to respond to networking emails (no one in this town seems to have the time of day for a recent grad who wants to buy them coffee).
I’ve spent the last couple weeks getting the journal articles from the dissertation submitted; currently I have three manuscripts under review, and an abstract that was accepted for a talk at a national conference, so I don’t seem to be completely inept…it’s just that nothing is moving forward, and I’m worried that I’m just going to turn into an expensive trophy wife .
The other anon
Go to places where people want to talk professionally about your topic and network. Look for existing grants and track local universities that have related research. See what conferences are around and volunteer. See who has retired and talk to them – on the auspices that they have more time
There are lots of initiatives for STEM faculty diversity, if that is your field, find regional groups and get the conversation going.
You will be more than a trophy wife – if I had a PhD, I would own the trophy aspect regardless of my employment status. Look at what your university is doing to get PhDs launched and and have coffee with them and listen to the stories of how others have connected.
The Chronicle has some jobs posted. So does HERC and even Higher Ed Jobs. Explore a little more. You are doing the right things. It’s a tight market. You will get there.
Nd
I agree, it is a tough market, but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Getting your manuscripts submitted is the most important thing, as it’ll help you build your track record, which is what will get you hired. And asking people for coffee so you can discuss their research area or their school is definitely a good thing (& in my field at least, this is how you get jobs. Not that this person will give you a job, but through them you’ll hear about jobs that are soon to open up, or they’ll tell you to talk to Prof X who just won a grant and will soon be looking for a postdoc or whatever). If you aren’t getting many bites at this though, maybe you can see if people will respond to a few questions by email first, and build up to meeting in person? I get a fair few emails from people and as much as I’d like to, really don’t have the time to meet everyone in person, but if they show interest in my area (eg asking smart questions – not just stuff they could google, sending my their latest paper or a new paper out which is relevant to my field or whatever), then I’ll make the time, and see what I cN do about putting them in touch with others.
JP
If you’re looking for an academic position, the reason you haven’t been succeeding thus far is that the academic job market heats up in late summer when listings come out, and then it is active through January-March when offers are often made after phone interviews happen in October/November and campus visits in December through February. Many places looking for PhDs for “alt-ac” positions hire on the academic cycle so that people on the academic job market can apply to those jobs at the same time.
Read “The Professor Is In.” She’s very blunt, but gives excellent advice that helped me land a terrific tenure-track job.
And it’s a great idea to try to get those papers out before you go on the market–“under review” is infinitely preferable to “in preparation” on a CV, which I usually interpret to mean “I thought about it a little.”
When is the conference? If it’s over the summer or in early fall, that would be fantastic timing for you.
Also, set up a website. Nothing fancy, just something on wordpress or google sites. Put your CV, PDF copies of any articles/publications if you have the permissions, your research statement, a blog if you feel like you have enough to say or insight to contribute, link to your twitter feed if you post professionally. This is very common in academia among recent PhDs and postdoc candidates, and it gives you more control of the narrative when people google you.
Finally, a lot of universities are really disorganized and don’t take down job listings once the position has been filled. So the reason for the nonresponse might be that those jobs are already filled, not that you’re not a good candidate.
Marshmallow
Anybody have experience with cats and heart murmurs? My two cats, both almost 9 years old, BOTH have heart murmurs. A trip to the kitty cardiologist will run around $500 per cat. The vet was walking the line of, it COULD be serious, it could just be stress, hard to tell, better safe than sorry; I get that they need to hedge their statements but it wasn’t super helpful for decision making. The cats are otherwise healthy.
Anonymous
Not sure about cats, but last time we were at the Vet’s they picked up a murmur in my dog (she was there for an injury so she was in pain). They took a “wait and see” approach. is this the first time they picked it up?
Sydney Bristow
The same thing happened with my cat. She was sick and the vet heard a murmur. Told me that he’d check again on her next visit. The next time I took her in, it was gone. Now he just double checks when I bring her in.
My cat is my baby so if probably spend the money, assuming there was something reasonable that could be done if it was serious. Did the vet tell you what kind of treatment options there are?
Marshmallow
@Sydney– Thanks. The vet said if it turns out it’s caused by heart disease, we can put them on medication which will slow the progression. Could be other causes too (ex., hyperthyroidism) with their own treatments, but those would only be revealed by additional testing.
Marshmallow
Here’s the timeline: August 2015: both cats have heart murmurs; the female cat “S” is quite faint and maybe stress-induced, the male cat’s is stronger. October 2015: bring S to the vet for skin irritation, no murmur detected at all. Today: bring S back to vet for same skin problem, fairly strong heart murmur detected, vet seems pretty worried. She was extremely stressed on both vet visits where they heard the murmur; the middle visit for whatever reason, she was pretty calm.
I’m hoping it’s stress induced but also don’t want to just stick my head in the sand. Both cats seem healthy (except for her little skin irritation) so it’s a lot to swallow for diagnostics when I’m telling myself they might be fine.
Unsub
My husband and I are heading to Thailand this winter to celebrate our 25th anniversary (yay us!). Should we book a tour or strike out on our own? We want to go to Bankok, Chiang Mai and Phuket. Is it easy to get around, to and from airports and to all the hot spots? Any recommendations would be great too. Thanks Hive!
Blonde Management Consultant
It’s easy to get around – very cheap and easy in-country flights. Phuket was great, but it was a pretty party-heavy spot. We took a ferry from Phuket out to Koh Lanta for 5 days and it was the best decision – best vacation ever. Eat lots of amazing Thai food!
Anonymous
It’s easy to get around. Both Bangkok and Chiang Mai have international airports and there are very cheap flights between them. I liked Chiang Mai a lot and didn’t care for Bangkok but I’m not wild about big cities in general, so if you love NYC or Hong Kong you may have a different experience. And if you want to visit elephant camps (which is a super popular activity in Thailand), I have to put in a plug for Elephant Nature Park near Chiang Mai. It’s a sanctuary for rescued elephants and the elephants there are treated much better than the ones that work in the trekking camps carrying people on their backs.
Second the rec to not stay in Phuket. It’s party-oriented and although there are some luxury hotels there that look nice, there’s not a ton to do if you’re not looking to party. We took a ferry to Koh Phi Phi Don, which is a beautiful island and is close to Koh Phi Phi Leh with the famous Maya Bay where the movie The Beach was filmed. It’s really spectacular, and although you can visit from Phuket, you’ll get there so much earlier in the day and beat the crowds if you stay on Phi Phi Don. There’s also a lot to do on Phi Phi Don itself, including a hike to a viewpoint with terrific scenery and a beach with wild monkeys, but it’s a lot quieter and more peaceful than Phuket.
Egg freezing?
Has anyone frozen their eggs? I’m 29, married last year, and do not plan to have children. I’m a second year in biglaw and I’m enjoying my job (though not sure what I want to do with my career in terms of staying in biglaw / laterally to a smaller market / going in house etc). So for now I am committed to not having children for the next 2-3 years, and probably never..but I also know that things can change. So freezing my eggs might be a tiny insurance policy on changing my mind about that at 37. Another wrinkle is that I am in a country where the IVF process and egg storage is about half as expensive than in the US (though I plan to move back to the US in about a year), so it’s significantly cheaper for me right now.
Has anyone been in this situation? Obviously it is still a pretty big investment so how did you think about the cost benefit analysis? Or is this something that only appears in the Huffington Post and Facebook’s benefit policy is not reflective of anyone’s reality?
A
Have you looked into the process of having eggs harvested in your country, then later transferring them to a storage facility in the U.S.? I’m curious how much of a hassle that would be, or if you could leave them eggs in-country and pick them up later?
Egg freezing?
That is possible. I’m not sure how long I would store them in this country, but no matter what it would be cheaper for me to harvest them here. But the question is still, should I spend mid-four figures to do it?
Badlands
The numbers aren’t great.
http://qz.com/686659/the-cult-of-egg-freezing-is-doing-ambitious-women-a-big-disservice/
Personally, I would just gamble on my 37-year old eggs if/when I decided to have kids, but ymmv.
Anon
If you’re going to do it, frozen embryos have a much better success rate than frozen eggs. Transferring them may be a hassle unless you plan to return to your home country to have them placed. To me, that’s a low price to pay for some peace of mind so long as you don’t rely on them.
Egg freezing?
I’m not residing in my home country right now, so it is unlikely that I would return to have them placed. But we could do embryos instead of eggs.
JP
+1. The thaw rates are much better for embryos than eggs. I got 16 eggs and only 5 developed into embryos (and only 2 were viable). The peace of mind calculus is very different if you think you have 16 than if you know you have 5, or 2.
Anon
This is actually no longer true. The science is moving so quickly with the new freezing methods, it’s changed – according to my doctor (top doc at one of the leading fertility clinics in the country), the results are the same for frozen eggs v. embryos if you freeze now.
I froze at 35 and 36 when I was a “maybe” on having kids. For me, the cost/benefit analysis is what would I be doing with this money if not putting toward this. For me, the cost was a delay in home-buying – and I decided it was worth it to give my future self the option. Now at 38, I’m a homeowner and a 100% yes on becoming a mom. So glad I did this.
It’s not a guarantee, but it does increase your odds. And for me the side benefit is that it really got me off the fence with deciding what I want in life. Going through the process and having those eggs on ice forced lots of questions: Would I be okay with donor eggs if these don’t work? How long do I wait to find a partner?
I’ll likely use my eggs in the next year or two. Much earlier than I expected. Maybe they’ll lead to my future kid, maybe they won’t. But as 40 approaches, I’m glad to have them in my arsenal for trying to become a mom.
DC Non-Mom
I’m a long-time lurker, but have always appreciated the advice/community here. I know it can be a touchy topic, but is there a good way to avoid questions from (well-meaning) family and friends about plans to conceive? My husband and I (32 and 31, respectively) have been married for under a year, together for nearly 6 years, and the pressure to hurry up and have kids is becoming intense. I feel put on the spot a lot of the time, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it (probably because people don’t ask him as often). We are both very certain we don’t want to have kids, but I feel that I can’t quite be honest as it will just generate more questions/potentially awkward conversations. Have any of you managed to find polite ways to deflect/end the conversation? I’ve tried redirecting by asking about the other person/their kids, etc. but I’ve encountered some persistent folks. Thanks!
Senior Attorney
“I’d prefer not to discuss it. It’s a sensitive subject for me.”
Repeat as needed.
They may well infer from that that you are having infertility issues, but I don’t see anything wrong with that. And I can’t imagine it not shutting them up.
Anonymous
Honestly, I just tell them I don’t plan to have kids. Some don’t get it, and it used to bother me, but now I just own it. Sometimes they tell me I’ll change my mind, and I usually say, its not in the plan at this point, but I guess plans can change. It isn’t you being rude, it is them.
Senior Attorney
Or this, which is better.
Anonymous
I just tell them that we aren’t having kids. I’m 36, DH is 40 so there is still time but we decided years ago that kids are not going to happen. Luckily, we stopped getting the “you’ll change you mind” refrain once I turned 35.
Some parents take it very personally–like they did something wrong by having kids. I try to reassure them that kids are wonderful, they are wonderful parents, and that I support kids generally. I mention that I worked closely with school-age children to pay my living expenses in college so, yes, I do know how much “fun” kids can be.
If pressed, I tell them that politically, I support the next generation by providing paid parental leave, subsidized child care, high quality public schools and public school lunch programs, safe transportation for kids, and subsidized summer and extra-curricular activities.
I’ve been cornered in the ladies room asking why I’m not having kids. I stick to my speaking points and try to avoid those people in the future.
Scarlett
I just do this too, the questions won’t stop so I’ve just gotten completely comfortable saying we aren’t having kids, it’s not something we want to do. Some people look at me like we’re crazy but most just go “oh”. I think it’s just something people are used to asking as a next step question “oh you got married, when are you having kids” and it’s a little startling to them when the answer is we aren’t, but they get over it. I’m in my 40s to and am shocked by how often I get the question despite my age, so I’d suggest getting comfortable with how you want to talk about the issue because it will be a topic for a long time for you.
thigh teeth
The classic nunya response: “Why do you ask?” Say it as mildly as if you were inquiring about the weather. The message almost always gets through.
Wildkitten
I am in a very long term domestic partnership in which I plan to marry at some later date. And when people ask me when we’re going to get married, I say “Never.” #micdrop
It’s the only answer that doesn’t invite follow up questions, and in you case it has the added convenience of being true.
MKB
Yep, this is the route we went when asked (now that I’m 39, we get asked almost never). Some people are offended, but I think that’ll be the case whatever you do, unless your answer is magically “actually, we’re not telling people yet, but…”
Sydney Bristow
Same here. Although people don’t seem to ask us very frequently. I almost never get follow up, but if I do I laugh it off saying that we discussed it on our first dat (which we did) and we’re lucky to have found someone who was on the same page.
Not That Anne, The Other Anne
Oh, I’ve been there. So many times. I’m mid-30s now and we’ve been married for over a decade, so we’ve been hearing this one for far longer than I care to consider. I occasionally head it off at the pass by answering the, “So, do you have kids?” question by just saying cheerfully, “No, we have cats.” That seems to provide a clue to most people.
If I’m asked when we’re having kids, I’ll freely say we’re not planning on it. Further questions usually result in me saying something about liking kids, but liking to give them back more.
And if someone really persists, I go for the Miss Manners answer, “Why do you ask?”
anon
Cat training help. Before we had a baby, our cat was our baby. He is a very spirited and LOUD cat, about 3 years old. He goes through weird sleep cycles. For a while, baby was in the nursery, and cat slept in the bed with us. Then suddenly, he started to wake up too early around 5 am or 4:30 am and waking up the baby. For a while, we locked him in the bathroom downstairs (with litter box and water and snack and sleeping spot), and this worked for a while, until he learned to nudge open the pocket door! Due to the configuration of the house, that’s the only place where we can lock him up at night (ugh, open floor plan). Anyone had any luck training their cat to sleep through the night?
Anonymous
Yes. Kinda. It was a few long weeks of absolutely ignoring the behavior. Which probably isn’t what you want to hear. And making sure we feed the cat before we go to bed so she isn’t hungry early in the morning – and not feeding her right when we wake up. Ever.
Trish
This is how our cat became an indoor/outdoor cat.
Anonymous
Get a lock.
Wildkitten
I lock my cat out of the bedroom because he causes nocturnal destruction while I sleep and I feel guilty about it. The two ideas I have are to get him a kitten (so he has someone to be nocturnal with) and to get him an automatic-cat-laser-toy-thing. Good luck.
Anon
Just found out someone close to me has been smoking marijuana quite often. He lives in a state where it is not legal and is very frowned upon. He claims it helps to calm his mind (suffers from mild anxiety). I don’t want to get into the argument of whether it should be legal or not, but since it is definitely illegal in his state, I want him to find other ways to cope. Any advice or resources anyone can offer?
Anonymous
Butt the hell out. Did he ask for help? Is he your spouse or minor child? If not, this isn’t your problem or your business. He’s not unaware it is illegal.
Anonymous
I agree, except I wouldn’t limit it to minor children. You’re still allowed to parent your children even if they’re over 18.
Catlady
“Illegal” and “frowned upon” are two different things. It sounds like you’re the one doing the frowning, and you won’t make him less anxious with your needless concern trolling.
Wildkitten
Is he your child who is under 18 or is this none of your business?
Anon
Yeah, you need to butt out. It truly helps people with anxiety – would you prefer he turn to addiction-forming prescription meds? He’ll figure out what works for him. People frowning upon marijuana usage has gone on forever and will continue to, even as it becomes legal in some states.
Whole 30
I’m starting a Whole 30 round on July 5th and really looking forward to having abs again. Is anyone interested in doing it with me as an internet accountability friend? I’ve done several of them successfully at this point and I need a reset.
SF in House
I’ll do it! I have been trying to motivate to do another and perhaps this is just the kicker I need!
Whole 30
Awesome, I just hit up Costco and I’m ready to go. Maybe I’ll just post every couple of days to check in? I usually post under the name Catlady.
Anon
Please don’t. Exchange email addresses instead.
DC apt help
Hi ladies. I’m breaking up with my long term boyfriend who I live with and need to find a new place to live immediately. I currently live in NOVA but am looking. To move back into DC (where I lived before I moved in with him). I’m mainly looking in Columbia Heights/U St area. The wrinkle is that I have a dog and currently need parking, though I will likely sell my car in a few months once I am settled. Can anyone recommend any buildings? Price range is less than $2k.
cc
I had a friend that liked highland park in Columbia heights- it would have to be a studio and I am sure parking is extra but they have it and allow pets
Craigslist woes
Not sure if anyone is reading the thread at this point, but I need advice on my new Craigslist harasser. I’m the one who has been posting about trying to rid of IKEA Malm dressers on Craigslist, accepting a deposit from a woman who couldn’t pick them up right away, and then hearing a day later that IKEA announced a recall. My husband and I decided not to sell her the dressers anymore because we felt uncomfortable with any potential liability and informed her of this via email (offering to return her deposit somewhere convenient for her promptly). We later read that it’s actually illegal to sell recalled items and felt more secure in our decision. Since then, this woman has become furious, is insisting that the dressers became hers the moment she put down a deposit, is insisting that it’s not illegal because she “bought” the dressers before the recall, and is refusing to give information about meeting up for a deposit, which I have now asked for over six times. I don’t have her phone number, her address, or possibly even her real name – her email name looks a little fake. I told her I will no longer respond to any emails that do not contain information about her ability to meet up for the deposit exchange, but when do I report her for harassment? These emails from her are getting increasingly frequent, vaguely threatening, and it seems like some kind of scam is in the works – no one cares about used IKEA dressers THAT much. Any advice on this would be appreciated.
Craigslist woes
And also, she knows where I live – I’m getting increasingly concerned that her behavior is so erratic and bizarre (she ignored my emails for several days before responding, is literally begging me for the dressers in the emails she has sent, etc.) that she might show up and steal something. I really have no clue what is going on with her and don’t really want to know.
anon
I assume the deposit was a money order or cash so you can’t just mail it back to her? I ask her to give an address where you can mail the deposit back to her and just refuse to otherwise engage her. Or if she insists on meeting, meet her at the local police precinct for the hand-off
If she feels so secure in her interpretation of contract law, she can pursue you in small claims court.
Craigslist woes
Yes, it was in cash. I’ve asked her for her address, to meet up, for her Venmo name, everything – she has ignored every request and continues to insist that the dressers are hers (she has thus far ignored my emails explaining that the dressers are no longer in my possession). I don’t mind meeting somewhere (public, with my husband in tow), but I can’t force her to show up and collect her damn deposit and then get out of my life forever…
Anon
At this point I might just call the local non-emergency line and lay the foundation if you’re worried about her coming to your house. It sucks that you might not have her legal name (you could try running the email through Google to see if it comes up with anything?) but her behavior seems sketchy enough that having a report to the police is not a terrible idea.
Senior Attorney
Can’t you just PayPal the deposit back to the email address she gave you? I seem to recall PayPal claims you can send money to anybody.
NorCal vs. SoCal?
The short version: SF Bay Area, CA (South Bay) vs. SoCal (probably San Diego area)… which would you choose?
The long version:
DH and I are early 30s, no kids (and don’t plan to have them), good jobs, currently living in the South Bay. We LOVE being outdoors, so we hike/ski/camp/bike/grill in the park nearly every weekend, making the Bay Area a dream place for us. But, I have the house itch. And not just, “Oh I was on Pinterest and it would be so fun to have a house!”, legit “looking at other cities that might meet our criteria and mapping out our lives there” itch.
We’ve visited SoCal a number of times, and my brother and a close childhood friend live in SoCal. Brother is in a suburb outside LA, and friend is in a suburb near San Diego. They both RAVE about their SoCal lifestyle in the same ways that we rave about our NorCal lifestyle. After viewing a particularly disheartening open house ($1.5M fixer-upper, seriously!?!?), I started looking at what our life could look like in San Diego, and it actually looks like we could replicate our Bay Area life for much less there. We could buy something decent in SoCal for under $600k… I can’t even get the Zillow map to populate within 15 miles in any direction of our current apt for less than $995k.
Anyone have comments on NorCal vs. SoCal? We can both telecommunite 100% to our jobs if we wanted to. We’re originally from the South, so heat doesn’t bother us. We’re undecided whether we’re beach people vs. mountain people, we’re mostly just “outdoor” people. I’ve found the ability to do my hobby, a gym, and a selection of $400k homes near San Diego, and I’m tempted to convince DH that we should go house hunting when we visit my friend for Thanksgiving (this would not be a hard “convince”, DH also agrees that our life would be perfect if we had our exact life but with a house in CA). Or just wait for the Bay Area housing bubble to burst and see if it’s more reasonable to buy a house in 2 years?
Anon
SoCal and NorCal have pretty different vibes, but as long as you can continue to do outdoor activities you like down there, I think you’ll be fine. It’s probably harder for people who aren’t into the outdoors because then you really have to focus on the cultural stuff, but you can hike/climb/ski/go to the beach in either place. There are a lot more options for skiing in Tahoe, though.
I’m also waiting for the Bay Area bubble to burst – any day now!
NorCal vs. SoCal
Sometimes I feel bad about wishing for the market to crash again, but really, just getting to something reasonable would be enough!
Anon
Earthquake? There hasn’t been a big one in ages, as shown by some people’s reckless home decorations.
SoCal also has a South Bay.
Charlotte
Don’t kid yourself. San Diego real estate prices are on par with the Bay Area. $400k won’t buy you much beyond a tear down in a marginal suburb or a crappy small condo in an older built out suburb.
Anonymous
I agree that $400K won’t get you a decent house in San Diego (gotta go to the South or Midwest for that) but San Diego is WAY cheaper than San Jose. A friend in SD bought a lovely turnkey 3 bedroom home for about $800K. That house would be at least $1.5 million in San Jose and probably $2 million in Palo Alto. As OP said, you cannot buy a house in the Bay for under 1 mil. San Diego is not Atlanta or Minneapolis, but it is significantly cheaper than the Bay Area.
Anonymous
+1
I live in San Diego and if you want to live in a cute, convenient neighborhood where you wouldn’t be stuck in traffic for ages, it is going to cost significantly more than $400k. It is very neighborhood specific, but in North Park/South Park, a 2 bedroom, 1 bath small bungalow (1,000 sq. ft) will cost $650-$700k.
NorCal vs. SoCal?
I guess I should also specify that we’d actually prefer to do a fixer-upper… and again, I just looked at another $1.6M fixer-upper over the weekend, so a $400k tear-down sounds like quite a deal :) My friend in SD got a decent house for around $450k about 2 years ago, so while the market wasn’t quite recovered at the point, it wasn’t completely tanked, either. I have no idea about her neighborhood, but she really likes it.
Good insight on the vibe and COL. We’re originally from a housing market where $200k will be you a <10-year old house in upgraded/move-in ready condition, and we've adjusted our mindset accordingly that CA costs at least 3x (or 10x, if you're in the Bay Area!). Thanks for the additional thoughts :)
Monte
You need to go check them out. I agree that NorCal and SoCol have very different vibes, but even LA versus Orange County versus San Diego are very different — a beach city near LA would be far and away my preference (even over NorCal, which is leaps and bounds more beautiful), OC not even a consideration, and San Diego might be tempting, but ultimately wouldn’t work for me (too conservative, for one). But I have good friends there who sound like you — 30s, married, no kids, very outdoorsy — and they absolutely love SD. It is definitely worth exploring the area, particularly if you don’t have to search for employment there.
Stephanie
Maybe I missed this – is Nordstrom no longer carrying Alexis Bittar?