Coffee Break: Hanging Wall Organizer

122 Comments

1. Give me work advice, ladies! I am in a role where expectations are very unclear. As in, I don’t even have a job description. My manager hasn’t given me any performance goals. I am supposed to make up my own goals and create my own role based on my skills and what I think are the company’s needs.

   I am sure this type of management works well for some personality types. But not for me. The lack of clarity is driving me out of my mind. Is this a situation I should use as a growth opportunity? A chance to become more independent? Or is it just bad management?

   1. It’s kind of bad management – presumably there was a reason your boss had resources to hire you. Why did s/he want to add you to the payroll. If you aren’t being given guidance, then take the reins and present a plan to boss about how to use your time, then see what s/he says.

      Were you hired to be a problem solver? Develop a system to find the problems (metrics, suggestion box, etc), determine which are the most important problems, how to figure out the solution, and then implement it.

      Were you hired to be an advisor? What is your subject area of expertise? What do you want to add? What projects are impacted by those areas – get in on those meetings and start giving good advise.

      Were you hired to be a facilitator? Help other people get their work done? Who needs help? What is their wishlist? What needs are most important?

      1. My boss didn’t actually hire me. I was hired by another department and dispatched to this one to help fix some of its issues.

         I am in a specialist advisor role, but I have zero motivation to try to fix issues this dept doesn’t know they have or care to solve.

   2. How about putting together your own job description and then running it by your boss? At least then you have an easy structured document to start talking around.

      1. I tried that. They will basically OK anything I cone up with. But I really just want to peace out and move somewhere I’m wanted that has a clear job for me!

         Haha, I think that’s my answer.

2. Has anyone bought the brand Modern American Designer from Nordstrom Rack? I like some of that stuff but I don’t know if it’s just cheap crap / “fast fashion” of whether it’s decent quality and just imitating other brands.

   Thanks in advance for any feedback!

   1. Pretty sure “Modern American Designer” is Calvin Klein, and maybe some others. I believe there are fashion houses with agreements that their names are not used on discount sites, hence the hedge.

   2. Yeah, if you’re looking online, I think that means that they’re not allowed to list the name.

3. I need advice on how to deal with a friend who catastrophizes her problems. She is pretty self-involved to begin with, but whenever there is any kind of drama in her life (there has been more than usual lately), she will literally not stop talking about it, will act as though the worst is DEFINITELY going to happen, and not only will not listen to advice that she asks for, but will get offended if she doesn’t feel “heard.” During the last episode, I said, “I’m sorry, that sounds so hard. I hope everything turns out okay” and she snapped back “you’re not hearing me, it doesn’t help me to say things will be okay.” What am I supposed to say, “omg, you’re right, life is so terrible and will only get worse?” I’m getting stuck because it seems like there is NOTHING I can say that won’t set her off, but if I don’t respond, it seems dismissive and has the potential to set her off even more. I would appreciate any advice on dealing with this situation since it’s becoming somewhat frequent rather than rare like it used to be…

   1. Is this a friendship you really want to maintain?

      I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to have to develop a whole new approach to dealing with her, but I also don’t think it’s necessarily reasonable for her to change who she is, if this is who she is. I would try once to sit down and tell her how you feel about her catastrophizing, but if she doesn’t hear you, I would just back away slowly and transition our relationship to acquaintances.

   2. (1) Recommend therapy
      (2) In that scenario, if it were me, I would probably say, “well, I know this sucks so much, and I really am sorry. But I refuse to let you believe this is the worst thing in the world. You know it’s not, even though it really sucks. But you know what? You are strong and you can get through this and anything because you are made of steel. I know it feels like a lot at the moment but I will be here to listen to you and help you. That being said, I also think it’s important to take note of what is going right for you and to take care of yourself. So do you want to go for a run/manicure/ice cream with me later?” Say this as a friend- warmly but in an assertive manner that is looking out for her.

      1. While I personally think your advice is perfect, recommending therapy got me chewed out worse than anything else I’ve ever said!!

         1. Given your comment below, have you framed the suggestion as “grief counseling” rather than “therapy”?

            1. Yes and I’ve asked her (and the rest of her family, who I am pretty close to) if they’d like any help finding good books, support groups, or other resources. She did seem more open to that, but in a “maybe someday” kind of way. I actually think it might really help her so I hope she considers it again. A family tragedy isn’t easy to process for anyone.

            2. Friend troubles, you’re going above and beyond trying to help this friend! She needs to stop taking advantage of your emotional labor.

         2. Have you tried asking her what it is she wants you to say when she starts on these spirals? I doubt it’s that she wants you to say “you’re right, everything is terrible and it will never get better,” and I don’t think you should say that anyway, but it sounds like she’s looking for something specific from you that she’s not getting.

   3. Well in your scenario, you said you HOPE things turn out ok, not that they will. I kind of agree with her that saying “everything will be ok” can be very frustrating to hear, but that’s not what you said. In this example, I would just say “All we can do is hope for the best (and take X, Y, Z practical steps if applicable) so that’s why I said I’m hoping things turn out ok.” You might also try having a conversation with her about when she’s not upset.

   4. If you have a friend who is that self absorbed, simply put YOU CAN’T HELP HER! She needs professional help. Now that may sounds harsh, but either you are going to find yourself not wanting to deal with her or eventually discontinue a relationship with her. Don’t know how much you value this friendship, but friends lift you up, encourage you, inspire you, energize you, and not drain you. Sometimes we need help and we are the last to realize it. Communication is a two way street. Maybe she hasn’t learned that. Try and talk with her and express what you are feeling, if that doesn’t work, and she doesn’t get it, move on.

      1. Honestly, the friendship has been draining for a while, but we’ve been friends since we were babies and have had so many good times as well as bad. Plus, she had a big tragedy earlier this year (death of her brother) and it seems like it would be a bad move on my part to move away when it’s probably affecting a lot of her other issues. Is there anything I can do to make it slightly better in the meantime without needing to reevaluate the entire friendship (although it’s going to happen at some point, unfortunately).

         1. You aren’t responsible for her emotional well-being. Don’t stay in this friendship only because you think it would be too hard on her otherwise. That is not your responsibility.

   5. I have a really charming and socially graceful friend (not sure if this would work for everyone…actually pretty sure it wouldn’t) who I’ve seen shut this thing down gently, but with humor.

      whiner: whines, predicts end of world
      graceful: I’m really sorry that’s happened. you didn’t deserve that. Is there anything I can do to help?
      whiner: no, the world is ending.
      graceful: Well, I’m all ears if you need anything. I hope you won’t let bad event/bad person stop you from having AN AWESOME TIME TONIGHT, if there’s nothing we can do right now.
      whiner: continues
      graceful: Oh my goodness, I can’t believe we’re letting [d-bag] ruin our good time. I’m limiting you to THREE complaints, just because I can’t stand the thought of [bad person or event] dominating this dinner!
      whiner: continues:
      graceful: THAT’s THREE! Get this girl some wine!

      (real graceful person is more fun/endearing than this convo, swears more. This is the gist of it).

      1. this is more for gratuitous whining/a malingering breakup or hated boss than a true epic crisis, obviously.

      2. I like this and will try to remember it if I’m ever in that position.

   6. Well, telling someone that everything will be OK is a little dismissive. You’re not engaging with her. Example: I tell you my husband just left me and I feel like my world is crumbling. You respond, wow that’s awful I hope everything turns out OK. Do you see how that feels like you don’t actually care? Now of course I’m sure the “crisis” your friend is experiencing isn’t on that level, but that’s where her feelings are coming from and that’s why she’s getting upset with your responses.

      If you’re not emotionally equipped to be there for a friend in crisis (or “crisis” as the case may be) then you owe it to yourself, her, and your friendship to take a step back. It doesn’t matter whether you’re right that she shouldn’t be reacting the way she is. You’re not going to convince her that her feelings are wrong and, frankly, it’s not your place to do so even if you could. If you want to save the friendship, then take a step back so that you’re not allowing yourself to be emotionally drained and also frustrating her because you’re not there for her the way she needs you to be.

      1. I see what you’re saying, but I should have clarified that I said that AFTER listening, engaging, being there in every way I could, having multiple phone calls (we’re long-distance), etc. I have been guilty of accidentally being dismissive in the past and I’ve made a conscious effort to fix it, but in this particular scenario, it seems like NOTHING I can say or do will help. I think you’re right that I’ll need to take a step back no matter what.

         Thanks everyone for the good advice.

         1. Longterm friendships ebb and flow. You shouldn’t feel guilty about setting boundaries that help preserve the friendship for the future. Easier said than done, I know.

         2. I have friends who went through similarly self-involved dramatic periods, and while this may not be the best advice re boundaries, I would sometimes read a book or do a crossword while on the phone with them. I’d insert a few “mm-hmms” here and there, and just let them go on about their thing. It was a way for me to donate my time without losing my sanity.

4. I have the opportunity to return to a previous employer. Does anyone have experience returning to an previous place of employment? Did it work out well? Anything to be on the lookout for or things to consider in making the decision?

   For what it’s worth- I didn’t leave prior employer because of any of its shortcomings but because I was offered what looked like a really good opportunity on paper that never panned out because of internal reorganization shortly after I joined.

   1. I worked at a marketing company right out of college and left after a few years bc the job had a lot off travel and I wanted to go to grad school at night so I found a no-travel position at a different company. I was honest with the first company about why I was leaving (needed more flexible schedule). New company was a total nightmare, reached out to my old bosses and they created a new, flexible position for me. I stayed there for the duration of my grad school career then left after graduation to switch industries. It was a fantastic experience – I think it helped that they knew up front that I was in grad school and wouldn’t be staying forever. I would say as long as you’re honest about why you left and why you’re returning it should be totally fine.

   2. I returned to my old law firm after going to another firm. I only switched firms because I was moving to a different city. The new firm was not the type of position I expected at all. I went back to the old firm, and it is working out great.

5. I wanted to share with everyone that I passed the CIPP/US exam this weekend, and I am really excited about adding this credential to my LinkedIn profile and resume!!!

   1. Congrats!

   2. Was the exam hard? Would you mind posting an anonymous email so I can ask you about it?

6. I wanted to share with everyone that I passed the CIPP/US exam this weekend, and I am really excited about adding this credential to my LinkedIn profile and resume!!!

7. Why accept a job where there is no job description? Was there a misunderstanding from the start? I use to work in HR and one of the things I worked with was adjusting/updating and putting in a place employee job descriptions. If you don’t know what you are suppose to do, how on earth can you do it? You’re setting yourself up for high stress and frustration, all unnecessarily. You need some clarity(a written list of procedures/job description/job goals). There is no way you can do a job effectively by having no idea of what you are to do. Something is wrong with this picture.
   I will end with this, sit down with your manager and express your feelings, ask pertinent questions regarding your situation. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

   1. Thanks. There is a back story–I was hired for a particular role, but then seconded to a different department that was having problems which they thought stemmed from a lack of people with my skill set. The ‘problem’ department didn’t actually ask for me. I was a ‘gift’ from top management. But this department doesn’t know what to do with me, or even what their issues are. It is all a hot steaming mess. I will try a little communication and see what happens.

   2. Yay Kat! I love this organizer, and will get one for mom and dad to use at their house b/c they are alway’s looseing thing’s! Thanks for showing this to me and the HIVE!

      As for the OP, I did NOT have a job description for my job with the manageing partner, he just said “go out and do good”. So I did, copying everthing he did and pasteing into my breif’s all of the precedent he had from existing breif’s. Over time, I learned ON MY OWN, and now just “do good” like he said for me to do. So if you are a go getter, like me, and can cagole the court into winneing cases for the manageing partner, you to can become a partner. One day even a manageing partner, I hope!!!! YAY!!!!!

8. I know we are all pretty anti-MLM here. I have a friend hosting an online shopping party for 31 (the bag company). Interestingly, I already have some family member’s Christmas lists and they include requests for an overnight bag, a gym bag and a tote. I’m considering buying from the sale and making my shopping easy. How’s the quality of their stuff? It looks cute online. I watched a couple of youtube videos. I might not get the gym bag there but the overnight bag, tote and lunch box all look to be nice for the price. My friend lives out of state so I can’t feel the stuff in person. Any opinions? If it’s over priced junk I’ll look elsewhere. I already ordered myself a nylon cross body bag but I’m more willing to take a risk on quality for myself than I am for gifts.

   1. What is an online shopping party? I thought the whole point of a shopping party was getting to check out the stuff in person?

   2. I would not buy from them because I believe they are a Christian company and pander heavily to Christians. That’s where the name came from…proverbs 31. Which is all about dutiful wives.

      1. Wow. Just…wow.

         1. Wow because of the company or because I don’t believe in supporting Christian propaganda?

            1. Yeah, not supporting a company because it is Christian is pretty crazy.

            2. Would you support a Muslim owned company?

            3. Eh, I don’t support Hobby Lobby because of its leadership’s position on birth control.

            4. That’s different. If you disagree with a position, have at it. But disagreeing with a religion is different.

            5. The company is big among the Southern Baptist mommy bloggers. The kind who hate gays but “love the sinner”! That’s not the kind of company I want to support.

               I also think organized religion is deeply misogynist and problematic, so yeah.

            6. Not every Christian (or even every Southern Baptist) thinks that. And this particular company has never stated or demonstrated that. There’s actually a big movement within even more conservative churches to move past that– google Jen Hatmaker. Read her stance on homosexuality. She speaks for many of us.

               So if you think all organized religion is deeply misogynist and problematic, that’s your prerogative, but it’s not fair to extend it to discrimination– the same discrimination you condemn in Southern Baptists.

      2. Proverbs 31 is about industrious, smart wives. Yes, the Proverbs 31 woman is working hard (but this is also written during a time in which that was necessary for basic survival). She works in and outside of the home.

         There is nothing in it about her doing her husband’s bidding; rather, she’s smart and uses her mind for the household, with her husband’s complete trust.

      3. That’s pretty heavily discriminatory. Substitute Christian for any other religion/group and see if that’s something you still want to say. (And, that’s an oversimplification of Proverbs 31, which is actually a passage that talks about women in the workplace/marketplace and how capable they are.)

         1. Heh, Bridget, is this you hiding? You tried to paint a poster as an anti-Christian bigot by asking the same “gotcha” question a few weeks ago.

            We’ve all been over this. It’s not “discriminatory” if it’s a direct response to a belief you disagree with (i.e., women are subordinate to men or whatever) that happens to be a part of that theology.

            As someone wrote above, Hobby Lobby will never get a dime of my business. Discrimination? Please.

            1. I wrote what is under my own name and nothing else.

               Maybe you should try it.

      4. I have a 31 bag as my pool bag – large, open tote. I love it. It’s well-made and perfect for that use. I would buy other products as well, I just don’t have a need right now. If they have things that would make good gifts, I would buy them.

      5. Isn’t Proverbs 31 used by the Biblical Feminity movement to advocate women staying in their natural sphere at home with kids and kitchen? I believe some Christians twist it so 31 justifies wiggle room for women to do side, at home businesses so they can contribute to family income but still be under the protection of husband/father. Might be a nice proverb on its own but it has been co-opted.

   3. I have been to one of their parties and looked at the bags first-hand. So they look to be fairly good quality, I am not sure I would go that route as with all MLM- returns and exchanges are a pain.

      Apart from being a bus model I don’t support, for the sake of the gift recipients it would be better to go with a retailer like Lands End or LLBean because of the gift exchange policy. If they don’t like the style of the bag, then they can simply go online and swap for something else.

   4. You know your family. I wouldn’t do it not because it’s MLM but because my family members like to look for more popular brands (popular as in name brand like Kate Spade or a smaller brand that’s popular for really high quality products) that they are familiar with and can be more easily exchanged.

   5. I have a zippered tote from 31 and it’s held up pretty well. I think it would make a nice gift if someone on your list didn’t have a very specific wish. It wouldn’t hurt to look at the catalog and see if you see a style / pattern that makes you think of your family.

9. Any recommendations for dark, fall-ish nail polish? I have a midnight blue on now but would love more dark colors.

   1. OPI Lincoln Park After Dark is a classic. I also love Essie Chinchilly which is a grey.

      1. Lincoln Park After Dark is also my favorite!

         1. It is on my toes right now. (Alas, I am too uncareful of my hands to do dark mail polish.). Love.

      2. Big yes to Chinchilly & also love their Labylike which is a neutral pink/pale greige color.

   2. I love OPI’s You Don’t Know Jacques

      1. and this is my second favorite

      2. I love that colour so much. Also, Black Cherry Chutney and Vampsterdam.

   3. Essie Wicked.

   4. Essie “the perfect cover up”. Looks greyish blue in the bottle. Goes on a pretty dark blue that still looks blue.

      My personal issue with dark blue polishes that look dark blue in the bottle is that they look black on the nail.

   5. I bought a Deborah Lipmann mini set from Sephora – something with berry in the same?

      They are all beautiful dark fall berry-toned colours – they’re mini-bottles so the set is less expensive than 2 bottles of regular sided but you get more options.

   6. Essie Merino Cool is my go to

   7. Ps my mani today is OPI “Madam President”. Not particularly Fall, but very This Fall.

   8. Zoya Freja

   9. Essie Smokin’ Hot and Don’t Sweater It are my favorites… but I am liking the other suggestions!

10. How do I style a grey pinstripe dress? I love this but don’t know how versatile it’ll be or how I would style it

    https://mmlafleur.com/shop/dresses/lydia-pinstripe

    1. I feel like the black st. ambrose jardigan would look really cute with this dress.

       I’m pining over all things M.M. LaFleur

    2. Maybe dark purple, green, or burgundy tights with black ankle boots. Could layer a long sleeve shirt under it. Wear a solid color blazer with it, black or bright red would look good. A bright solid color scarf, although I think the pattern is subtle enough that you could do a print scarf too. I personally like the look of an open cardigan that is belted and think that would work with this dress, too.

    3. I love this dress and would wear it with basically anything. In my mind, grey and pinstripe are both neutrals, so this would go with just about anything. I’m a big fan of dresses with blazers, so I would consider wearing this one with a blazer of some kind: black, mustard yellow, pale pink, navy … I think you could also wear any color of tights with this (if you’re in a cooler climate). I’d wear it with black, navy, grey, or even burgundy tights.

11. I know a many of you are a lot closer to my daughter’s age (16) than mine (51). My daughter is having MeanGirls trouble and I would love to hear any advice you might have for her.

    She is in a group of three tight friends, which is a subgroup of a larger group of friends. Almost all have known each other since elementary school.

    My daughter is the first to have a boyfriend. I have consistently told her “chicks before d1cks” (my story being, you’re not going to marry your high school boyfriend, but your girlfriends are friends for life) and she has taken it to heart and prioritized spending time with her girl group.

    The clear leader of her three-person friend group has decided she doesn’t like the boyfriend and is always making snarky comments about him to my daughter. My daughter defended him but not terribly forcefully (she is shy and fairly passive.) The friend literally said in a group text “you side with him over us, you had better get your story straight if you want to hang out with us”

    It’s not a single text. It’s multiple texts all hours of the day and snarky comments in person. The text thing is, in my opinion, textbook cyber bullying. My daughter is so upset about this that she has been crying a lot. She says the leader of this group is trying to turn the entire friend pack against her.

    The boyfriend is a nice kid. Kind of dorky. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.

    Friend leader has always been dominant, but before now was always nice to my daughter.

    I don’t want to fight my daughter’s battles for her. I just want to advise her on how to rise above this and still have friends. Any advice or stories you’d like to share that I can share with her?

    It breaks my heart to see her hurting. I also don’t want her whole world to become this boyfriend if she gets shunned by the friend group.

    1. confront bully girl. I would say in person, but I think in text is better in teen girl land because then it’s like having a court reporter there so it doesn’t get twisted. Send to both other friends so everyone’s in no the convo.

       “we’ve been close our whole lives and have gone through a lot together. I value you as friends [something more teenager-y] and I would never want to hurt you or exclude you or make you feel like you weren’t a priority. It seems either I’ve done something to make you think I favor Boyfriend over you, or like you don’t like Boyfriend, and it puts me in a really difficult spot….” invite in-person convo?

    2. That’s so hard and sad for your daughter, I’m so sorry. The school and the other parents need to be made aware of this. Cyber bullying is something to take very seriously.

       1. I disagree about the school needing to be involved. I would have been mortified about my high school teachers knowing my personal business like that. Aside from the embarrassment, I think a 16-year-old girl is old enough to learn how to navigate these kinds of situations. Mom said daughter is passive; this is the perfect time for her to learn how to stick up for herself and advocate for herself.

    3. I would have a talk with your daughter to help guide her in thinking through this. Asking open-ended questions like “Why do you think Leader feels that way about Boyfriend? Do you think she’s worried that you might not have time for her? Do you think she could be envious? Do you think you should change your relationship with Boyfriend because of this?” Lots of open-ended, non-judgemental questions – she will likely feel somewhat defensive/protective of her friend out of loyalty, even though her friend is kind of being a jerk.

       Helping teenagers walk through their feelings and develop empathy can be immensely helpful. It also helps frame relationships as not black and white, but rather lots of shades of grey where you learn that everyone has positive and negative aspects to their personality, and part of being an adult is being clear-eyed about that and making decisions about who you want to have in your life.

       1. Just re-read this and realize I should clarify: I’m not suggesting that the burden is on your daughter to be more accepting and empathetic of someone who is bullying her. Rather, help your daughter come to the conclusion that this person is treating her poorly because of her own problems, not because of your daughter and her boyfriend, and help guide your daughter in deciding an appropriate response.

          1. Thanks, I read it that way. I also hope she and the friends can come back together, even including Mean Girl, though I’m pretty mad at that one right now!

    4. My experience with high school friends may have been a lot different than yours, but I’m not life long buddies with the majority of my HS friends, and the ones who I am friends with to this day would never have treated me (or anyone else for that matter) like this girl is treating your daughter.
       Confronting the bully might help, but I’d suggest distancing herself from the bully instead. Can she spend more time with the girls in the larger group? One on one time with the third close friend? (which could put third friend in an awkward position of choosing sides, but she might also be tired of bully’s behavior) Spend some more time on an extracurricular? I understand not wanting your daughter to become isolated, but I think it’d be worse to bow to this girl’s demands in order to keep the ‘friendship’

       1. I’m not friends with anyone I knew in high school – well, Facebook friends with a couple, but I haven’t actually seen or communicated with them since…High school. So, no – these won’t necessarily be your lifelong friends. I have more friends from college and law school connections than I do from high school.

          Generally, no, you don’t want to drop your friends when you have a boyfriend, or let a boyfriend isolate you from other things, but real friends don’t get to decide you can’t date someone else or are mean or snarky because they take up some of your time. So, at least give her permission to not be friends with this person, since she may have gotten the message that you can’t break up with your girl friends.

       2. I’m actually lifelong buddies with my dorky high school boyfriend (who i did not marry, or even stay with after college).

    5. These girls are not good friends to your daughter, so if she does get shunned by the friend group, this does not sound like a big loss. She actually should stop being friends with Leader anyway, who sounds a) jealous and b) like a terrible influence.

       Do you know the parents? I know you said you don’t want to fight her battles for her. But if they’ve been friends since elementary school, and maybe you know her parents– I’d want them to tell me if my kid was being a bully.

       1. Eh, I agree that they are not being nice to her, but high school is not necessarily a time where finding new friends is easy due to cliques, circumstances, how large the high school is. I certainly recommend that your daughter confront bully politely, in a group setting, and say something along the lines of, “It hurts my feelings when you disparage someone that you know I care about. I would not disparage someone I know you care about. Why do you say [this/that]?”

          In my experience, pretty much middle school through high school, there’s going to be girl drama, and someone’s going to be dramatic, so it’s really incumbent upon your daughter to rise above when the other girls are not terribly kind.

          And also, please, please, please remind your daughter that she can go off to college and form a new friend group of girlfriends that are kinder and have more in common with her. My father often reminded me of this, and since I went to a small school where getting away from anyone was impossible, this helped me get through high school when there were some truly awful Mean Girls things going on.

       2. Oh yeah, I totally know the parents and that is SO tempting but in the long run I know it would do more damage if I got the moms involved.

    6. I may have a biased perspective on this so I will briefly explain my personal situation before commenting. I was your daughter, exactly. Fast forward 14 years, and now I’m married to the boyfriend, who is the best partner I could ever ask for, and I am SO GLAD my friends revealed their true colors and I got away from that toxic girl clique. I had similar friend issues: why are you choosing him over us, you should ditch him so you can come to parties with us, etc. They even prank called him once to say I was in the hospital for some reason I still don’t fully understand.

       I don’t think my parents got particularly involved in the friend drama at the time and I’m glad that they didn’t. Daughter needs to fight her own battles. But I think it would be helpful to ask your daughter things like, “How would you respond to Friend if she were treating you this way over some other problem?” “How would you feel if Friend had a new boyfriend? How would you talk to Friend about it and how is that different from how Friend is treating you now?” “How would you WANT Friend to address the fact that she’s feeling left out?” “Do you actually want to spend more time with these friends? If so, how can you schedule some time to do that?”

       Honestly, I can’t imagine that friends who treat your daughter this way are worth keeping. Encourage your daughter to confront the bully– once, via text for the reason others have stated– and put her foot down about the way they’re treating her. Keep the focus on how they are communicating and addressing Daughter, not on whether they are actually jealous of Boyfriend. If they keep treating your daughter in such an unacceptable way, hopefully she’ll be able to extricate herself from this friend group. They don’t sound worth it to me.

       1. +1

          These are not friends worth keeping. These are toxic, mean girls. Her boyfriend sounds much better.

          Unless we are missing something here, please do not encourage her to forgive mean girl leader for this. One text expressing her disappointment at this behavior etc… And then that she doesn’t want to talk about it again. And encourage her to walk away and block leader’s texts.

          High school ….. Just…… Get her out of this circle

       2. I agree with this. Although I think talking about the motives and moving on/forgiveness is important for your daughter’s own development, I don’t think it would be helpful for your daughter to say “you are just jealous” – even if that’s the source of it.

          I would also encourage your daughter to call this by the name– bullying. In other words, encourage her to say something like “I don’t know why you continue to bully me when [boyfriend’s name… Carter? Tyler? lol] is a nice guy and I still make time to be with you guys as much as before. It hurt.” I would do it in the group text – if mean girl is shaming her there, she should stand up for herself there. I’m willing to bet there are some assistant mean girls but there are some passive ones that got caught up and would side with your daughter if they saw it called out for what it is. I would encourage your daughter to hang out with those friends individually – otherwise it seems to be asking for more drama to hang out with the whole group except for the mean girl, because hanging out with the whole group might include some ‘assistant mean girls’ who will continue to make it just as awful. Also encourage your daughter to hang out with those girls individually but join new clubs where she can meet new friends. I’m betting your daughter isn’t the only one that has felt this girl’s wrath and they are too scared to venture outside of the group.

          1. Oh, and I was agreeing with the ‘say it once, in a group text’ – after she calls it what it is, she should leave the group text and shut off her phone and go to a movie or something.

       3. I’ll second all of this. I’m married to “the high school boyfriend” and I lost touch with my girlfriends about 3 minutes after graduation. Rather than “chicks before…..whatever” maybe go with “nice people before jerks.”

    7. i agree with the other posters on how to handle this–gentle confrontation to the entire group, lots of behind the scenes talking and coaching and support for the daughter. however, i have having trouble seeing how this is bullying. full disclosure, i don’t have kids, and am in my mid-thirties, but to me, this just sounds like things that girls this age do. ?? Am i wrong here? everyone else seems to be on board with calling this bullying. we didn’t have text messaging when i was in high school, so i get that the frequency of the messages would be greater now with present day technology.. it just seems pretty common that kids get jealous of each other and act out like this?

       1. It became bullying when the text messages started coming in at a high frequency – the same words cut and pasted and sent over and over – and when the queen bee started trying to organize all of the friends against her.

          1. Sorry, Anon was me

    8. Thanks everyone. I hear what many of you are saying – that she’s better off without any of these so-called friends – but I have also known them since they were little girls and I think the dominant mean girl is probably salvageable. I hate to give up on someone so young. BUT it’s not my daughter’s job to salvage her.

       I am going to sit down with my daughter tonight and talk about how she’d like to word her feelings. Maybe she will just write it down and throw it away. Maybe she will send it as a text. Maybe she will say it in person. But I think it will help to focus her on what she’s upset about and help her deal with her feelings, regardless of the outcome.

       Thanks for all your help and supportiveness.

12. I work in midlaw in a large east coast city. I’m interviewing at a biglaw firm on Thursday. Do I need to get a manicure? I usually don’t keep my nails painted (I have a toddler).

    1. As long as they’re clean, neat, short-ish, and perhaps buffed, no. If it makes you feel more polished to swipe on some clear nail polish go for it.

    2. No.

    3. Definitely not.

    4. do you want to get a manicure?

    5. If that’s not what you usually do then NO. With all job interviews but esp. in biglaw, I think it’s important to present yourself as you are. There are some subgroups in some firms that are VERY judgy re looks, handbags etc. It’s not common but I’ve run into a few that talk endlessly about everyone not being good enough. So just in case you are interviewing with such partners, you DON’T want to put on airs. Bc if you put on airs, get hired based on that, and then it turns out you aren’t “their type” — it’ll end up being miserable bc you won’t feel like you fit in.

       1. This is the reason I didn’t wear hose to a single interview. I would never want to be hired someplace that actually expected hose on the daily.

13. Shout out to everyone who can manage to wear mascara without it somehow getting everywhere during the day, since it seems I cannot. Like, how is the mascara that’s only on my upper lashes somehow getting mascara marks well below my lower lashes? Or up on my brow bone? Ugh.

    1. What kind of mascara are you using?

       1. Various brands, both waterproof and non. If there is a brand you highly recommend for usability, I’m all ears!

          1. I like tube mascaras, like L’oreal’s double extend for non- smudging, easy to remove mascaras. They don’t do a whole lot for lengthening or volumizing, but it’s my usable, daily mascara because everything else smudges on me!

             1. Thank you! I just looked at a bunch of reviews for this product and am absolutely going to try it.

    2. Do you have really long eye lashes?

       1. Yes, definitely. I feel like I can’t be the only one, though.

          1. Hmm, maybe try clear mascara?

          2. I have really long lashes too. I carefully remove any excess with the ward, and i dab the tips of my lashes with black eyeshadow to prevent this from happening.

             1. Good tip. Thanks!

          3. Ooh! I have long lashes, too, and certain mascaras also rub off on my undereye area. Anyway, Clinique Lash Power Longwear Mascara works on me. Some of their others smear.

             1. Thank you!

       2. Also long lashes here. It’s the tiny clumps on the tips of your lashes that are hitting your face… unless you are touching your face a lot or have very deep set eyes? Anyway, when your mascara is still wet, swipe a q-tip at the very tops/tips very lightly to pick up any excess clumps at the top. That, and putting powder over my concealer under the eyes has helped the problem go away.

          1. Good tips! Thank you!

    3. In my experience mascara smudging and raccoon eyes usually have to do more with what’s on the skin around your eyes than it has to do with what’s on your lashes. I had terrible smudging when I wore eye cream during the day. Discontinued eye cream – voilà, mascara stayed in place.

       That said, I am a huge fan of the tube mascaras. I use Trish McEvoy but I’ve tried the L’Oreal and Blinc brands and they’re good too. What I really appreciate is not having to scrub at the skin around my eyes when I wash my makeup off. And no more ruined towels.

    4. Fiberwig! They sell it at Ulta. It’s the only one that doesn’t smudge and it’s much lighter thank Blinc, which I’ve had melt off my face in hot weather.

14. Just an idea but maybe you could do an election specific post today and/or tomorrow to consolidate all the election chatter in one place and provide an election free oasis on other posts?

    Perhaps a recommendation for a white outfit for the fashion choice to head the post? Or a fav item from HRC’s shop?

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