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Corporette readers often have great discussions in the comments that have nothing to do with the topic of the post — but we think this comment on this morning's post was amazing, and we've reprinted it here with the anonymous reader's permission:
The Ideal COVID-19 Quarantine Woman
She lives alone. Unless she has children. Then they live with her. But she doesn’t take them out. They magically entertain themselves so she can go out for essential trips. No more than once every two weeks. For essential groceries. She doesn’t need toilet paper. She stocked up months ago well before there was a run on toilet paper or anyone could accuse her of hoarding. But her supply is safe since she installed a bidet last week. She has a fully stocked basement of anything she or her family may need for six months.
… [Her children] live with her. But she doesn’t take them out. They magically entertain themselves so she can go out for essential trips.
Actually she never leaves her house because she only orders groceries by contactless delivery. She tips generously so it’s ok for the delivery person to be at risk.
Until she’s overcome with guilt from having someone deliver her groceries so she decides to pick them up herself. At the grocery store, she shops alone. Never with children. She has a husband who watches them. Or if she doesn’t have a husband she utilizes an elaborately and meticulously researched system to ensure her children never go out in public.
She shops from a list, with haste and with gloves and a mask. She has backup items for each item on her list in case the store is out. She has backup items for her backup items. She would never complain about a shortage because her planning has made any shortage impossible to affect her. The mask is naturally homemade because any surgical or N95 masks she has she donated to the local hospital last month, obviously.
She hasn’t touched her face in years.
The mask is naturally homemade because any surgical or N95 masks she has she donated to the local hospital last month, obviously.
She considers self quarantining after each trip to the grocery store to keep her family safe but that’d be impractical so instead she settles for an elaborate two-hour post-shopping-trip routine involving removing all non-perishable items to her garage after wiping them down.
She naturally has a car and a garage and extra cleaning supplies. She leaves them in the garage for three days before touching them to be safe. She wipes down and then thoroughly washes everything else. She removes her clothes and homemade mask immediately upon walking into her home. She puts the gloves in her newly installed coronavirus incinerator to be sure the virus has been killed. She has installed a shower and moved her laundry machine right next to the garage because it’s the responsible thing to do.
She washes the clothes and mask in hot (obviously) water and eco-friendly laundry detergent that she made herself because ordering something online at times like this is basically torturing parcel workers. Except she ordered the supplies on the phone from an organic sustainably sourced small business owner who delivers because she supports small businesses. She even told them she had no issue if her shipment was delayed because she cares about other people’s safety. She showers (again with hot water and homemade soap). She puts the washed groceries away.
Except she ordered the supplies on the phone from an organic sustainably sourced small business owner who delivers because she supports small businesses.
She orders takeout once a week to support a local restaurant. But because it’s unsafe and unfair to expose the workers at the restaurant, she actually just sends the restaurant a check for the amount of the meal with a request that they continue to pay workers but don’t have them come in. But since mail workers aren’t adequately protected in delivering the mail, she wires the money directly instead.
Her husband, if she has one, does precisely 50% of all childcare, housework, cooking, and meal planning. He goes to the grocery store every other time. So she goes out only once a month and he goes out once a month. If he did anything less she of course would have DTMF years ago and handles all of this herself with ease and without complaint.
Her husband, if she has one, does precisely 50% of all childcare, housework, cooking, and meal planning. . . . If he did any less she of course would have DTMF years ago…
She has a job that allows her to work from home. She continues to perform all that is requested from her. She volunteers to organize virtual happy hours. But not with Zoom because of the hackers. Some other service that has no ethical or privacy issues. It only took her seven hours of research to find. You should look into it.
She looks professional for video conferencing but not “done” because that’d be a bit much. She wears makeup but precisely the right amount so you can’t tell she’s wearing makeup. She exercises daily. Indoors of course. Social distancing and all that.
Once a week for a treat, she goes on a jog in her neighborhood trails. She never runs into anyone but always wears a (homemade) mask. To be considerate.
She’s homeschooling her kids. One is ready to skip a grade. She’s learned new math. She’s mastered Google Classroom.
She’s still breastfeeding her infant. The baby only needs to be fed when she isn’t scheduled for a call. She’s trained the baby to not be hungry when coworkers or clients want to talk so she need not explain she couldn’t attend a video conference due to breastfeeding or simply dial in without explanation.
If she doesn’t have kids, she has picked up twelve new hobbies and volunteers to virtually babysit her friends' kids. Of course she’s not lonely, that’d be selfish.
If she doesn’t have kids, she has picked up twelve new hobbies and volunteers to virtually babysit her friends' kids.
She counts her blessings daily, but to herself. When she expresses gratitude, it’s in a manner that never makes anyone feel as though they have less.
She’s not having her cleaning service or nanny come by but is paying them both. Her house looks spotless and her children are healthy and happy and coping perfectly and never having play dates. She donates half her salary to charity.
She votes. By absentee ballot only so as to not expose the public.
She has never been called a Karen. She has never called anyone a Karen. She doesn’t know what a Karen is.
She is the model of a quarantine woman. Or is she? I’m sure someone can find room for improvement.
She is the model of a quarantine woman. Or is she? I’m sure someone can find room for improvement.
HUGE thanks to our anonymous reader for letting us publish her comment more properly!
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / Dmyrto_Z.
Senior Attorney
Wow, anon poster! You’re a star! Congratulations!
In other news, did you all know that “Roman holiday” means “an occasion on which enjoyment or profit is derived from others’ suffering or discomfort?” I did not know that until my husband and I were taking a walk over the weekend and a neighbor shouted at us “What are you doing, taking a Roman holiday?” We stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to look it up and decided that, in that moment at least, we were indeed having a Roman holiday. Then we watched the Audrey Hepburn movie of the same name on Amazon Prime that evening and enjoyed it a lot. And then on Monday I crashed but that’s another story.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Anon
You crashed? You ok?
Senior Attorney
Yeah it was just for the morning. I heard a sad story on NPR and couldn’t stop crying. Thanks for asking, though. <3
Cat
I don’t follow the logic of deciding that you are having a Roman holiday by that definition? Do you mean that your joy in walking was derived from the emptiness of the sidewalks due to distancing?
Anyway, hope you are doing better now!
Senior Attorney
Yeah we had had a really nice weekend being alone together and baking and cooking and having a nice walk in the empty neighborhood and no obligations and so on. It seemed like that was all made possible by the plague…
Anonymous
That isn’t the precise usage of the term “Roman holiday,” which is synonymous with schadenfreude. You would be having a Roman holiday if you were actively enjoying others’ suffering, not just having a nice time as a side effect of others’ suffering.
Anonymous
yeah, I think Roman holiday is more like how I feel about Boris Johnson being in the ICU. I know that sounds terrible (because it is terrible).
Senior Attorney
Well okay then. That makes sense.
Carry on.
Anon
Ha I have schadenfreude about Boris being in the ICU too, especially now that it seems like he’ll be ok.
Anon
I assumed her cranky neighbor was telling her she was putting him and others at risk by taking a walk?
Senior Attorney
I don’t know that he was even super cranky. Just maybe a little ironic?
Anon
I love the movie! Gregory Peck is my original celeb crush.
Anon
At first I was frustrated by the post on the morning thread. I can’t really put my finger on why. Maybe because it felt too personal. But as I reread it, navigating my very full time job with a toddler and full time working husband, in a house that is out of groceries, in a hot zone,….I could go on… it has now hit me in another way.
Here’s what I take from this: no matter what decision you make and how you justify it right now, the message I’m hearing loud and clear is that I can and should be doing it ‘better’ or differently, to the satisfaction of someone else. And in a louder and more combative way than the average working gal’ and mom has to endure under normal circumstances. And I’m exhausted.
I implore the folks on this board to assume good intentions: the vast majority of us really and truly are doing the very best that we can right now. For every person I see outside not social distancing, I remind myself two things (1) I cannot control them; and, (2) there are 1,000 people who are.
Kindness, above all else.
Anon
For me, it resonated so much because I often feel the comments around here are a Perfectness Competition. No matter what you do someone finds a way to tell you that you should try harder and be more like them.
The amazon posts pre-pandemic were so ridiculous. This place is supposed to be for overachieving chicks who are so busy at work they need tips on how to make life easier, but the whole thing was don’t shop online! Don’t shop at chain stores! Spend your entire free time going to local mom& pop stores to get only what you need! But not by driving! On foot of course! Shame on you for needing to buy things in the first place! Can’t you live with what you have? How dare you expect other people to sell you things, it’s exploiting them! Etc etc etc
I agree with you that most of us are actually just doing our best to get by.
Anonymous
I don’t think attacking other posters is accomplishing the goals you claim to espouse.
Anon
If you feel attacked, that’s a you problem. Not an us problem.
Anonymous
I think this is the entire point. You can’t win.
Anonymous
+1 The posts have been really bizarre. We all have work and family obligations that keep us swamped when we aren’t in the middle of a pandemic and beyond swamped when you layer in the the stress of trying to keep our jobs while WFH and keep our families safe. No one should be attacked for the decisions they make unless they violate the public safety orders we are under. Ordering online, shopping IRL, buying just necessities, needing to set up a home office, whatever, just do the best you can and pray we all get through this.
anon
Well, the expectations for being a woman have always been an effing moving target. That attitude just happens to be on overdrive right now.
Sharmil Mckee
Hi. I am a little late to the party, but I thought the anon poster was using sarcasm to make an important point. Be kind to yourself. You have set an impossibility high bar for yourself. Navigating a pandemic is hard and risky and scary. Cut yourself some slack and do the next best thing. It’s ok.
Anon
I’m sorry.
But I’m finding it very, very amusing that the illustration here is a woman in a mask seeming SMELLING a Kalanchoe Blossfeldiana (Flaming Katy) which supposedly has NO FRAGRANCE. It’s supposedly allergy friendly (not for all!) which is good, but again – NOT a fragrant at home flower.
I’m sorry. Again. But OMG the snickers. :D
Alice
This is so uplifting, thank you :)
missannethrope
This is hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m seeing two trends of articles everywhere, the first being the type that this post eviscerates so well, and the second being how it’s OK to feel out of whack and unmotivated because we’re in an unprecendented event (for our lifetimes anyway). A subset of the second group is the ones that come right out and say that it’s capitalism that forces us to be and feel “productive” at all times. I’m squarely in the 2nd group, anti-capitalism subset. But then, I work for the government, so productivity in my world is not quite the same as in the business world.
Anonymous
It was exhausting to read, perfectionism is debilitating.
Sarah
So…it’s terrible because I literally embody 80- 85% of this post. I do literally have backups of my backups…but I have been doing that for years. I literally do have 12 hobbies, I even grow my own freaking salad garden so I don’t have to go to the store so often. I feel attacked. (But in a kinda good way?!)