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Updated: Mar 23, 2021 411 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Ilana Pencil Skirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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This aubergine skirt from Boss is just to die for. The color is fabulous, and the diagonal ribbing is so chic. I keep thinking how great this would look with a tweed jacket with a bit of pink or purple in it. (This one from WHBM springs to mind.)

If you’d like to make a full suit, there’s also a matching jacket available in lucky sizes.

The skirt is $248 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0–18.

Two more affordable options are this textured pencil skirt from Saks' house brand ($29.99 on clearance) and this asymmetrical DKNY skirt ($89). 

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Am I completely delusional for thinking about throwing my hat in the ring? Director of a local group in our HCOL large city parted ways with said group. I was out of the work force for some time, my work path was parallel and somewhat overlapping with some very relevant experiences plus fresh perspectives. Basically, I don’t have tons of experience but the person they thought was right lasted less than a year and was allegedly a great fit with all the expected experiences.

    • Anon

      I feel like if you are truly looking for opinions here, just saying “a local group” is too vague for us to do that? But if you are just excited and wanted to throw it out in the universe, go for it! Doesn’t hurt to try and let them decide if they think you have enough experience or not, right?

    • Anon

      Your post is too general for specific advice, but my 2 cents:
      Applying for stretch positions is something mediocre white men do all the time and often with success. If they can do it, you definitely can.
      Make a case in your cover letter for how you’re “competent at being competent” in whatever way makes you suitable for the job. When I’m on hiring committees, I try to select folks with strong but maybe only tangentially related experience for at least a couple of the interview slots, and have gotten some really good hires that way (and I was once that hire).
      So yes. Apply. Even if you’re not selected for an interview, now you have a fresh resume and easily-tweaked cover letter for the next time.

    • anon a mouse

      Apply with the brazen confidence of a mediocre white man! Seriously though, don’t dwell on the qualifications you don’t have and shout the ones you do.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t disqualify yourself if you want the job. Let them do that if it is going to be so.

    • Anon

      Without knowing anything about this, go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? You don’t get a gig you didn’t think you were going to get anyway? So what? Flex those confidence muscles.

  2. Wfh wardrobe

    I’m looking for a WFH uniform for this Spring/Summer. Winter for me was fleece- lined leggings + long sleeve t-shirt + sweater + earrings. I loved having my outfit automated and not having waistbands. I’d like to do the same for Spring and Summer. I want to change out of my pajamas, but still have the comfort level of pajamas, you know? Help!

    • Anon

      Jumpsuits, especially athleisure ones, are my spring/summer WFH uniform this year.

    • No Face

      I’m all about tee shirt dresses and button down shirt dresses this year. I am SO comfortable. The shirt dresses with collars look professional on screen.

    • AnonATL

      I just bought the Stretch Woven Pants from Target that might work for you. I hate wearing shorts or dresses to wfh in the summer because my legs stick to my chair. I usually do chinos if I’m feeling dressier or an athleisure/travel pant.

    • Anonymous

      My summer WFH uniform last year was elastic-waist linen shorts + t-shirt or tank top. The linen shorts are basically pajama bottoms that can be worn out of the house.

    • Greensleeves

      I wore a lot of the Old Navy linen pants last summer. I was too chilly wearing shorts while sitting at my desk. They’re elastic waist so very comfortable, and they usually have several colors available.

    • Anon

      Eileen Fisher crepe ankle pants (elastic waist, secret pajamas). Top- a loose shape, either floral print woven rayon or solid color linen (I have some tanks from Flax and they’re great). If you need a third piece, a lightweight cardigan or a shirt worn as a jacket. Flat shoes or sandals.

    • Pompom

      The Daily Ritual sleeveless tank dress in maxi and knee length was mine, in a set of 5 colors that were neutral enough to appear mundane on Zoom, but fun enough to jazz up for a distanced patio beverage. Could easily top with a cardigan or open front jacket for “fancy days” (ha!), or flip flops over a bathing suit for weekends.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Last year (…we are going into spring/summer 2 of this, omfg) I wore an athletic skort from Target or a maxi skirt or rollover waist skirt and a scoop neck or v-neck tee or blouse with a necklace. Sometimes I wore a sleeveless shirt/shell with one of the Old Navy short open cardigans over it.

      I generally felt cuter than I do in my long sleeve shirt, Max and Mia cardigan and leggings.

  3. Anon

    What are your favorite clothing brands with quality fabric that are cusp/plus sized friendly? I need a wardrobe refresh and am having a hard time finding things that are made of thicker or better quality fabric. Everything is filmy/flimsy and clings or shapelessly hangs.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Quality fabric and cusp/plus sized is a unicorn. I actually cried in a fitting room this weekend after trying about 10 things on that fit okay but the fabric was horrific. There is a huge hole in the market for this. That said, I’ve had luck with Good American, 11Honore, Vince, Loud Bodies or Anthropologie.

    • j

      Universal Standard is my go-to as a cusp/plus sized person. Their fit is just perfect and I like their aesthetic. I’m pretty sure that Wardrobe Oxygen has a discount code now. (Also rec her blog!) I also am looking forward to Alice Alexander restarting this spring – love their designs and ethics. Otherwise, following with interest. I agree that it can be really hard to find in our sizes!

    • Anonymous

      Sometimes I get lucky with J Crew—but it’s really hit or miss. When I find something good, I often buy multiple colors. For super casual, I’ve been really happy with Duluth Trading Company believe it or not— 100 percent cotton tees that you can’t see through and are long enough.

      • mahnamahna

        +1 for Duluth Trading. Their sizing is on the generous side of TTS for me (in most brands, 1x on the verge of 2x on top, 18w on bottom), so you may be in their regular sizes. I am super impressed with the quality. I’m also having good luck with Athleta this spring – breezy tank + pranayama wrap. Paired with Core10 leggings on Amazon and Birks Gizehs.
        Universal Standard is not my aesthetic, but they have a loyal fan base if that’s your style.

    • Katie

      I think Talbots has pretty good fabric – better than many brands, anyway. Some of the cuts are matronly, but plenty of it is classic. They go up to 3X/24W. MM LaFleur has nice fabric and cusp/plus friendly, and they’re having a great Last Call sale right now.

      • Anon

        Agree with both of these. Eileen Fisher also has gorgeous fabrics if you can find some cuts you like. I tend to donate the Talbots stuff after a few years but the EF I hold onto forever.

      • Anon

        Talbots is good because you can get a plus sized item for top and a cusp sized item for bottom or vice versa. Almost every item comes in regular and plus sizes with regular up to 16 or 18 and plus sizes starting at 12W or 14W. And they have plus petite and regular petite – plus petite is almost a unicorn.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with trying Talbots. I am cusp size and wear a lot of their staples. I like being able to try a regular 18 and then a women’s 14 and 16 to see which cut fits better. They also have a curvy fit if that it an issue for you. Those pants fit me like a glove.

    • Greensleeves

      I recently ordered some items from Torrid and was pleasantly surprised. I got jeans, dresses and bras and was happy with all of them.

    • Sunflower

      Lafayette 148. At full price it’s expensive but Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom often have excellent sales. I never pay full price.

    • anon

      I love it, too. It’s Jem and the Holograms goes corporate. Perhaps that would dissuade some, but I’m all in!

      • Anon

        Seasonally, if it had white or some non-black trim, I’d be all in. I just can’t get there for spring, as much as I love hot pink.

    • Abby

      I haven’t shopped there in 2 years, but I would say pretty often! I’ve gotten many items that were very affordable and I feel like my spending threshold is similar to yours!

    • Anon

      I love WHBM! I signed up with my email and address and I regularly (like once or twice per quarter/season?) get coupons from them in the mail.

  5. Anon

    Ugh — a year in and I thought we were getting through this COVID slog and now it seems that #s are rising everywhere in the US and even our local R-# is above 1 again. It can’t just be spring breakers (since these were people who got exposed a while ago and are showing symptoms / going in for testing).

    My guess is that people are relaxing their guard (still, a vaccine that is 95% effective is 5% not effective) a bit and doing all of the things they postponed over the past year. Which is totally understandable — the human factor is the human factor.

    One thing I’m not seeing: even if more people are getting sick, do we know if they are getting very very sick or it is a less-sick version of COVID (now, b/c of the vaccines preventing severe COVID and perhaps a mix this year that is less skewed towards nursing home patients)? Like our local “% of ICU beds used” number has always been so mushy that I suspect that the denominator is a non-constant number, but if it were static, I’d use that # as a barometer of how many sick people are gravely ill vs seasonal-flu-equivalent (which isn’t mild, but 2 weeks of a really tired/awful feeling is nothing compared to being sick enough to be hospitalized and perhaps on oxygen).

    My oldest masks were having frayed elastic, so I have new ones, then I thought I maybe had wasted $, but now I think that that won’t be my last order.

    • No Face

      Do you have a local source tracking hospitalizations in your area? The Washington Post also tracks the percentage of the “prioritized population” that is vaccinated. My hypothesis is even if cases go back up, hospitalizations and deaths increase but will not spike as high.

      Anyway, I live in a red state that never had a mask mandate or any statewide restrictions and our numbers still had a massive drop before vaccinations really got started. I’m feeling really good about our collective future.

    • Lilau

      I’m following this for any insight. I’m pretty alarmed that case numbers have been very high in my county even when the state rates fall and the vaccination rates are average to good. I’m really worried it’s a/the variant that’s here because it seems really inconsistent with the rest of the state/country. Every week we’re at four to five percent on average positive and that just seems really high, especially given the improvement in vaccine distribution and weather. Also, maybe I’m naive but from my view mask wearing is nearly universal here and the only people dining indoors (that I know of) are vaccinated. It just won’t go down.

    • Anon

      There’s nothing inconsistent about the vaccine being very effective, even 100% effective against severe illness, and hospitalizations surging right now. No state has vaccinated more than 80% of their old people, and many states have only vaccinated ~60% so there are plenty of vulnerable unvaccinated people to be filling up the ICUs and unfortunately I think there will be for some time. It will take the virus a very long time to burn through the 30-40% of the population that is anti-vax. My state announces the number of breakthrough cases in vaccinated people and it’s non-zero but not high, and so far it seems like none of them are seriously ill. And our median age of hospitalizations is dropping, which is consistent with vaccinating in reverse age order.

    • Anon for this

      This time last year, some people were acting like the pandemic didn’t exist. Now, they’re acting like variants don’t exist and like the vaccine is a 100% get out of jail free card, which it is not and never was. It’s really frustrating that people can’t wait a few months until everyone who wants to be vaccinated can be, which will finally help drive down community transmission.

        • Anonymous

          That’s exactly what all the modeling predicts. Vaccinated people going back to normal activities and causing spread. Not unvaccinated people.

          • Anonymous

            I mean, if that’s the case, then we’re doomed. This is untenable as a permanent situation.

          • Anonymous

            Click on the legend. The red dashed line is the “worse” scenario, which is vaccinated people returning to pre-pandemic levels of mobility.

          • Anonymous

            Anon @1:49, the idea is that if we hold off on reopening until we get everyone possible vaccinated and community spread drops, then we can safely reopen. If people take the vaccine as a license to return to pre-pandemic activities immediately, the virus keeps circulating and mutating and we never get it under control. Based on the current projections, we would just need to hold on until the end of the summer.

          • anon

            Okay, I’m trying to have an open mind here. It says “worse.” That means it’s worse than what they are predicting. It doesn’t say that it is based on vaccinated people or unvaccinated people acting any certain way. I would assume it might actually be based on fewer people choosing to get vaccinated than they expect.

          • Anon

            I looked at this link https://covid19.healthdata.org/global?view=infections-testing&tab=trend&test=infections and I think the peak for daily deaths in April (which is lower than the January 2021 peak) is potentially possible. The Daily Infections and Testing chart, with the out of control worst-case line is so unlikely as to be almost unbelievable. It’s like the University of Washington projections from last summer that said, even with masking and lockdowns, that we were going to have 2.5million deaths. Unlikely and unbelievable.

            Oh, wait! This is the UW projection – same people. Not surprised, not believing this.

          • Anonymous

            Anon @ 2:33, the definition of the “worse” scenario in the model is vaccinated people going back to normal activities.

      • Anon

        Eventually you’re going to have to accept that we will not be this way forever, variants be damned. If people think they’re still going to have to stay locked down even if they get the vaccine, why would they ever get vaccinated? The world is going to open up again, probably sooner than you want it to.

    • Arkie

      The cases in my state have been declining quite a bit, and it seems that even if there are more cases than being reported, the cases are not as severe. In January, the state was above 1,000 hospitalizations for COVID, and now we’re under 200. It’s different everywhere of course, but this is for your question about whether there are fewer severe cases (for my area, yes). I have no idea if it’s because of the population that’s getting it, the fact that lots of people have immunity one way or another, or something else.

      I’m halfway vaccinated and don’t plan to go into public without a mask until the experts say it’s safe to do so, so I unfortunately do agree that it’ll be a while. The vaccine has given me hope, and the fact that cases in my state haven’t gone up even though our restrictions recently ended also gives me some hope that it’s starting to ebb.

    • AFT

      I worry about whether we’re seeing a natural bottoming out/stabilizing of case numbers that WON’T translate into hospitalizations/deaths at the same rates due to vaccinating vulnerable population, or if we’re potentially at the start of another surge. I know a lot of unvaccinated/not fully vaccinated/”just got the shot and hopping on an airplane the next day” folks going on spring break several states away, possibly with a false sense of security that we’ve beaten this thing …. DH & I received shots last week, and the old people in my family are all vaccinated and past the immunity-building period, so we’re planning to stay local and socially distant for now.
      Many of the schools in my area are increasing on-site school time after spring break, often relying on the 3-6 feet guidance from the CDC so they’re crunching kids together closer than they have all year, *right after some of the same kids have been traveling for spring break* which really makes me worried.

    • Anonymous

      Your post suggests vaccinated people are getting sick. Are you seeing more than the rare case of Covid in a vaccinated person? I haven’t seen reporting of that at all, though I did see a social media post from someone who contracted it right around their first dose.

    • anonshmanon

      OP, if I understand you correctly, you were expecting vaccination rates to tamp down case numbers by now, and are speculating why that isn’t happening. But keep in mind that 75% of adults and all kids haven’t even had one dose yet. Also keep in mind that many states vaccinate older residents first, which are more at risk from severe illness, but may not be big spreaders – not your core population of spring breakers or grocery store clerks or TSA staff. At this point it’s not surprising that the virus can still move around among communities, especially since some of the new variants seem to be even more infectious.

    • AnonMPH

      1) Cases, hospitalizations, and deaths plummeted from the extreme heights of the winter surge over many weeks, but states started to reopen (and people started to venture out more given things felt safer) when cases were still at a very high daily rate, about the same rate as the very height of the summer surge. So it makes sense that given that we all relaxed at a point when 60k people were still getting infected a day, that we are still seeing spread.

      2) Vaccinations have been ongoing since December but only 1/6 adults are fully vaccinated at this point, and of course zero children under age 16. The fact that we have plateaued may simply be because of the relaxations above, and that relaxation began weeks ago when more than 5/6 of adults still susceptible to the virus. As others have said, we may see an increase of cases without a spike in hospitalizations and deaths because more older/high risk people have been vaccinated, and they were the ones driving those metrics. Vaccinating nursing home residents alone could potentially prevent up to 40% of deaths.

      3) Variants add an element of unpredictability to the situation. We are racing the variants with our vaccinations. In some areas, we believe that variants are now the dominant strain circulating in the population. But we are still not sequencing enough to have a clear picture of variants, and we still don’t really know which variants are more infectious, which are more severe/deadly, and whether any of them can escape which/if any of the vaccines (i.e. you could be infected with covid even though you were previously vaccinated). But just because variants are out there doesn’t tell us much that is deterministic yet- Israel’s dominant strain is the B117 (British) variant, and after a few plateaus their cases have continued to drop. They have a much smaller population than we do so the percentage of their population that is fully vaccinated is much higher than here.

      4) The most important thing to do is maintain precautions in your own life until you are 2 weeks past vaccination. Of course I wish that states would retain some restrictions until more of the population has had the chance to be vaccinated, but that’s not the world we live in. The faster the feds can push supply out to the states, the faster we’ll get everyone vaccinated and the better position we’ll be in to face the variants. But yes, you still need your masks. Despite the stupid politicization of masks, the mask mandates SHOULD be the last public health rule to be relaxed because masks are low cost high impact. Requiring masks doesn’t force any businesses to close/lose money, doesn’t force students to stay at home, etc. So in a SANE world we’d keep masking in public settings until community spread is very low. But obviously we live in our crazy world so when Dr. Fauci says we will likely need masking until 2022 everyone freaks out, so I suspect that won’t actually happen.

      As of now, there’s no real reason to despair about the situation in the US for the summer. With Americans all eligible to register for a vaccine by May 1, we should see most people completing the 5-6 week course by end of July. That should put us in a very good place to spend time with people with love without precautions while still perhaps avoiding large crowds/unmasked public places.

      • DCR

        Eligible to register to get the vaccine and actually able to get a shot are two very different things. I’m very doubtful that all adults who want one will have gotten their first shot by the end of May.

        • AnonMPH

          That’s why I said that Americans would complete by end of July. That would mean getting a first dose as late as June 15, which seems very reasonable when will we be at a rate of 3 or even 4 million doses a day by then.

          • Anon

            As someone who lives in DC, I’m doubtful I will have even my first shot by July. So many of our vaccines go to non-residents that I don’t know a single DC resident who has gotten a shot, despite knowing a handful of people from VA and MD that have gotten vaccinated in DC.

          • AnonMPH

            Meh- I live in DC too. This statistic/concern is overblown. 40% of our shots went to VA and MD residents when we were vaccinating healthworkers primarily which obviously makes sense since many of our healthworkers live outside the district. At the beginning MD and VA gave us about 16k of their doses to do so, but unfortunately have not continued to do so.
            Going forward, DC is only allowing 10% of the vaccinations booked through the portal to go to non-resident workers who are now eligible in 1C. We have a serious issue in DC with lack of supply, but it is hard to argue that the issue going forward is really about non-residents getting vaxxed here. It certainly ate up a lot of Jan/Feb supply but supply was also super constrained then compared to what we are getting now.
            DC’s numbers in the CDC/Bloomberg trackers are also all f*cked up because of the allocations that are going directly to federal agencies. Officially they get tagged as delivered to DC, but then it’s difficult to tell what happens to them. Obviously in some cases those doses are used for non-residents, but I certainly have friends who work at federal agencies who have gotten shots at this point because their employer (especially if DOD related) has their own supply. This article yesterday tried to make sense of what is really happening with our numbers, https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/dc-politics/dc-vaccine-numbers/2021/03/22/dfbcea46-89e8-11eb-bfdf-4d36dab83a6d_story.html

            Even if we continue to have supply problems for a while, it’s hard to overestimate the absolute deluge of vaccines that is coming for this country by the end of June. I am frustrated at the slow pace as a young, healthy DC resident but I don’t think our pace will actually look different than other states in the end.

        • Anonymous

          I am in a reddish county in VA. Our county is now officially vaccinating group 1c, but appears in practice to be vaccinating all adults. I have firsthand evidence that the health department is giving out appointments to people with no risk factors or priority factors. This tells me that the real long-term problem is going to be uptake, not availability.

          • AnonMPH

            Agreed, at some point (a point that we seem to have maybe hit already in red areas) we will see a dramatic flip from a supply issue to a demand issue, and we need to be working on behavior change communication messaging to reach people and improve uptake of the vaccine. However I would argue that in the meantime there needs to be a shift in allocation to meet demand in the blue/urban areas that still have dramatically more demand than supply. I’m not sure why the feds have not revised allocations going forward given how much more we know now about demand.

        • Generations

          Agreeing. Appointments are few and far between, systems are extremely confusing, and getting the shot, even once you get an appointment is extremely time consuming. I think it will be a while before most people get their shots.

    • Anon

      Numbers are going up because of the far more contagious variants now overtaking the original covid variant. Fewer hospitalizations because large chunks of the most vulnerable to severe sickness have at least had their first shot. I fear a lot of young people thinking they’re invincible becoming disabled or chronically ill because of this – it’s a low chance for that to happen to them but if enough get sick, there will be enough to make it very noticeable that a big chunk of their generation isn’t that healthy.

    • Anon

      Cases are way, way down where I live, in one of the highest vaccinated areas of the highest vaccinated state. Many people I know are fully vaccinated (with the two week wait) and have started to travel.

        • AnonMPH

          COVID cases are rising in 21 states right now when looking at the 14 day rolling average. Most of the increases are small, but the big drops we were seeing for weeks have stalled or reversed across the country.

        • Anon

          Michigan is an absolute mess – cases and hospitalizations both surging.The UK variant is undoubtedly a factor (MI has the most cases per capita of the variant). Although it does appear that Michigan may have slightly less natural immunity than other states (their winter surge was smaller than many places and their total case numbers are relatively low, despite good testing) and they aren’t a leader in vaccination. So I think there’s hope that the upswing will be smaller in many states with more natural and/or vaccine-induced immunity, but I do believe there will be at least a small fourth wave.

      • Anon

        Where are all these people on here saying that everyone they know is vaccinated? That isn’t true for any of my friends, who live in a variety of (blue) states.

          • Anon

            Even the people I know who live in red states are having a hard time getting a shot. A few of them have managed to get one, but it is because they were willing to drive hours from their urban cities to rural areas of their state. Most people can’t do that.

          • kitten

            Almost everyone I know already got vaccinated or doesn’t want to. My family is mostly older or in education. I wasn’t even trying to get the vaccine early (I technically qualify but already had COVID so I had mentally put myself at the back of the line) and ended up getting J&J last weekend because appointments were literally going unused and I’d already texted everyone I could think of. I’m in a blue state but I think my area is being prioritized due to density and underserved populations.

          • anonshmanon

            I’m happy for you but the fact is that less than 15% of the population are fully vaccinated, and less than 25% have had their first dose. Last poll data I read was that 30% are not sure they will get the vaccine, so that leaves a sizable number of people who are still waiting. Just saying that your bubble (I don’t know anyone who is still waiting/I didn’t know cases were rising anywhere) seems not very representative.

          • kitten

            Right, if you want “representative” information we’re all capable of googling the national and state-wide vaccine numbers. I think we’re just sharing personal experiences and possible reasons why a high percentage of our contacts are vaccinated.

          • Anon

            Yup, I’m in Indiana and don’t know anyone over the age of 30 who isn’t vaccinated. I’m getting my second dose next week and I’m 36. Officially our state is only open to 40+ but demand is so low many younger people have been able to get vaccines to avoid waste. Our county health department has hundreds of open appointments this week and no one to fill them. And I’m in a blue-ish county.
            In the short term, it was a relief to be vaccinated early but I’m really worried about what will happen in our state long term especially with the mask mandate being lifted.

        • Sasha

          I live in a major metro area of a blue state and most adults I know are vaccinated or are scheduled to be vaccinated. It can be tricky to get an appointment and we’re technically still in 1b but they are in practice vaccinating any adult who comes in.

        • Anon

          Some of us are older and know more older people who have been vaccinated, or work in occupations where all of our co-workers are eligible. I would not say that everyone I know has been vaccinated, but lots of people I know have received at least one shot. It’s a combination of older people, occupations, health conditions, congregate living (college). Having said that, my state is a complete disaster when it comes to trying to get a vaccine, and I truly feel for those without computer savvy, unlimited time, etc. who are trying to book an appointment.

      • AnonMPH

        Cases are down from the horrific December/Jan surges but they are still higher than they were in March/April 2020 and in summer 2020, times when people were shutting down due to the surges. 50k-60k cases per day is not a plateau level that will allow us to keep things in check, particularly with variants (unless we can vaccinate even faster than we are doing).

        • Anon

          Your comparison between peak March/April 2020 and summer 2020 with a comparison to now is not logical. Now we have remdesivir, we have monoclonal antibodies, we know about dexamethasone, we have PPE and ventilators. US medical infrastructure is able to save people and not be overwhelmed. I have three family members who work with covid patients daily at three different flagship state university hospitals and they all say the same thing – this is nothing like March/April 2020.

          • AnonMPH

            Sure, we are in a better spot in terms of risk of health system collapse/risk of vulnerable people dying than March/April 2020 (and those case numbers were drastically underreported because we didn’t really have any testing capacity). We have elderly populations mostly vaxxed, we have some treatments that some people can sometimes access that sometimes work. I’m not trying to say nothing is better.
            I’m saying that our current *case numbers* only look good compared to the unthinkable 200k per day we were seeing in Jan. 50k-60k per day is still a lot, because with states opening up and many unvaccinated people resuming more activities, you do not want to seed exponential growth PLUS variants with a baseline of 50k. As is being discussed above and elsewhere, the variants are way less of a problem the fewer susceptible people there are in the population for them to infect. We are giving them space to thrive if we reopen at a time when most people still have not accessed even a first dose of a shot.

  6. Anon

    For those of you with large state U graduations looming, are you actually going? I’m getting some pressure to attend for a family member and then go to / fund a large party after (open bar at a bar, which for a whole host of reasons I feel is a bad idea). I have countered with offering to take the graduate and immediate to a very spendy boozy outdoor restaurant at a very fancy steakhouse shortly thereafter.

    School a couple of hours away (so a day trip) and I was already not wanting to do it b/c I imagine that I’d have to fight for tickets in an ordinary year, would be standing in long lines, would be outdoors in the football stadium where I’d get sunburned; perhaps if I were drunk it would be OK (like at an actual football game, but I’m not in my 20s anymore, so that’s only theoretical).

    Of course, there are some screaming divorced parents driving the arms race here, but I’m tempted to give the graduate (who is actually charming and not really able to control parent) a large check and be done with it. None of the adults has had shots (and probably wouldn’t have gotten round 2 14 days before the graduation even if we got the first shot today); one older family member has stage 3 cancer currently; graduate had a mild case of COVID and is getting shots b/c of a PT job with exposure potential.

    This kid is first generation and I think that that is why there is such pressure and one parent is a keep up with the Joneses type. I want to say that even the Joneses are taking a year off.

    • anonymous

      Send a check and a heartfelt card. When it’s possible, take graduate out to lunch/dinner.

    • Anon

      In my state, there will not be large graduations from large state U. Because: COVID. This saves the agony and pressure and hurt feelings and potential infection. I am sorry that you have not been spared the hard decision by both the university and your family. I would not attend.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t go in normal times unless it was someone very close like a sibling. Even then, I didn’t attend my siblings’ graduations.

      • Anon

        I was thinking this too. In pre-COVID times for my big state U graduation, in my extended family the norm is really just for parents and siblings to go. I don’t think it would have even occurred to me to invite beyond that. College graduations are, sorry, but quite dull for anyone outside of the graduate and I’m guessing maybe the parents. But I realize all families are different, and we did do a post graduation dinner with aunt/uncles and cousins.

        • anon

          This exactly. The party is for the extended family; the ceremony is for parents and siblings and maybe grandparents. I wouldn’t be surprised if Big State U is capping attendance anyway. But you have full permission to just not go because that sounds like a whole lot of drama.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I didn’t go to my own graduation lol. After I sat through my sister’s I decided I wasn’t putting myself or anyone else through that again.

        • Anony

          +1 I went to my under grad graduation and my sister’s, but I skipped both of my grad school graduations. So boring!

    • Anon

      I work at BigStateU can emphatically say “Stay home and send a card/money”. It’s going to be a zoo – it always is, and now it’s also the first BIG event in over a year (even football season was pretty muted here – no tailgating allowed, and my school’s team was crap). Activity and stupid behavior is already on the uptick around campus since prospective students have started to visit again from out of town. Even without COVID, attending graduation is a nightmare of overworked/overbooked restaurants, sky-high hotel rates and traffic snarls.

    • No Face

      Give the grad a big ole check! And then decline all invitations to events, including the ceremony because it sounds like you don’t want to go anyway. The young people in my life have always been thrilled when I give them check and have them over for dinner sometime. I don’t think any of them cared that I skip graduation ceremonies.

    • Anon

      um, stay home. my cousin is having a bridal shower at a restaurant in May, I am not vaccinated. even once i am, i have decided i am not comfortable with unmasked large events with strangers for a while. the wedding is early August and I will likely not attend. especially bc it is less than 2 weeks before my kids start school and they need to go to school

    • Anon

      Definitely don’t go. A generous check and an intimate dinner in the future sound lovely. Call the graduate and tell her all of this directly. Let your family know you won’t be able to attend, and. – here’s the important part – do not engage further about this decision.

    • Anonymous

      Send the grad a large check, but do it after graduation so the parents can’t steal it and use it to pay for the superspreader party.

    • Anonymous

      The two Big State U graduations in our family are both limited to two guest per grad.

      Send a big check and if possible “view” the zoom. I.e. watch wile doing the dishes, send a text about how inspiring the speech from the speaker was, and how proud you are.

  7. Walnut

    Y’all I hugged my grandparents last night. It was so restorative I almost cried. They almost cried. Their wit was sharp as ever and they’re making upper 80s look like the new 60s.

    • Anon

      Love this! Happy for you. Also enjoying all the stories about the vaccinated older crowd getting to go out on the town again. So sweet.

      • Anonymous

        Yes! There was a small senior birthday party at my local brewery last weekend and it made me smile so big to see those all those folks out.

      • Anon

        Oh but don’t you know they’re the reason covid is spreading and we’ll have to stay locked down for eternity

    • Anon

      I love seeing photos of all my friends seeing their grandparents. My grandmother is 97 and will be 98 in October – she’s in wonderful health, but I’m keenly aware of all this lost time with her. (She’s like a second mother to me, we’re very close, and not being able to visit for a year has been brutal. I’m healthy and it’ll be a while yet before I can get a vaccine.)

      • Anonymous

        Curious – Do you not think you will be eligible for a vaccine within 6 weeks or so? Is your state not going to meet that directive from the Biden administration?

        • Mrs. Jones

          Being eligible doesn’t equate to getting a vaccine immediately. It is very hard to get an appointment in some places.

        • Anon

          Yes, what Mrs. Jones said. Just because vaccines will be available on May 1 doesn’t mean I’ll be able to get one that day (even so, that’s 6 weeks away). I’m pre-registered with my state for when a vaccine is available for healthy adults, but who knows how many other healthy people are in front of me.

          • Anonymous

            Can I just say that the most privileged part of that whole sentence is “healthy adults.” I would give my left arm to have not already gotten my vaccine yet because I am in an at-risk category with life limiting issues.

        • Anon

          My guess is that as a non-priority adult, I get a shot easily in September. I could probably hustle and look for left-over doses prior to that, but am not expecting to even be eligible for a while (they are still going through teachers and older people), must less rising to the top of the queue.

          • AnonMPH

            While I do think it is important for everyone to manage their expectations, and to understand that eligible on May 1st does not equal 1st shot on May 1st, I think this is an unnecessarily pessimistic projection. The number of doses of Pfizer, Moderna and J&J that will be delivered by the end of June is enough for all American adults. While there is a slight lag between delivered and administered, it’s usually in the 1-2 week range. And once we are throwing the doors open to everyone, we can move much more rapidly just running people through mass vaccination sites. I think if you are in a state where you aren’t eligible until May 1 you should certainly be able to easily get an appointment in June.

      • AnonMPH

        Is she not vaccinated? If she’s fully vaccinated you can definitely go see her before you are.

    • Anon

      I hugged my adult kids this month and cried. We’re fully vaccinated and they are. I also hugged my elderly parents and cried. Didn’t hug my mother in law, but was still happy that she is protected.

    • jealous

      That’s wonderful. I’m taking my toddler to see her grandparents in a few weeks after over a year of separation. We’ll be doing a late Easter celebration and apparently their home now looks like a bunny explosion because they’re so excited.

  8. Kara

    Woke up today feeling depressed. Taking meds, have a therapist, etc, but sometimes you still have to slog through it a bit. All the usual suggestions to make me feel better require time – go for a run, read a book – and I don’t have that today. What are small changes that will make this day feel bearable? I had an epiphany that I just have to chug through my todo list, depression or not, and tbh there is a chance that that will lift it. I made my favorite cup of coffee which is something that will help.

    • No Problem

      Eat the comfort foods. Wear a cozy sweater. Work with a stuffed animal on your lap for extra coziness (or your pet). If the weather allows it, work outside for a bit. Take a break and look at funny animal memes or a couple Buzzfeed listicles of funny tweets. Get in a couple small successes with work (send that darn email already, finish that report chapter/analysis, etc.).

      And good luck! It will get better.

      • Kara

        Thank you for this – I read this, decided to look for small successes to do, and just finished one!

      • Katie

        Light a nice candle? Take your lunch break outside? Open a window or a sliding door to get some fresh air? Sounds like you’re doing all the right things, but my experience agrees with your, sometimes you just have to slog through it a bit.

    • Curious

      What you’re describing (just do the list when all you want to do is avoid) is called “opposite action” (or at least that’s what my therapist called it) and is actually super effective for me! So you’re already doing a good thing. Go you :)

      And lately my go to comfort food is fruity yogurt.

      • Kara

        Huh interesting. I’d never heard the term before but it turns out that “opposite action” is a technique I use a lot, especially this ” If you feel afraid, approach the stimulus that gives you anxiety.”

        • Curious

          Yeah! She framed it as something like “if your emotion in response to a trigger is not what’s normal for that trigger (so for example if packing a suitcase makes you want to run away, or waking up makes you want to sleep for a long time), take the opposite action.” This is not true for cases where your reaction is reasonable but disproportionate (e.g. extreme rage when a colleague does something mildly annoying) – in those cases you want to moderate the emotion but may want to take appropriate action (e.g. “hey, I’m not okay with that”).

    • Anonymous

      Do the low effort high reward chore. Like laundry: shove it in the washer and boom, you just accomplished things!!!

      Also, put on makeup (if that’s your thing). I find that it can help me trick my mind to feel better.

      If your hair isn’t clean, take a shower, while rocking out to some Motown. I definitely find that gross looking hair makes me feel worse.

      Pick a song you loved in high school or college: 5 min YouTube dance party time!

      Also, hugs!

  9. nuqotw

    Lawyers (and others who bill time) – I think there are a few of you here. What timer(s) do you recommend for tracking time on different projects? I am an academic so I don’t bill but I need to do a better job tracking my time to see where it is going. Ideally I would tell it what projects I have, and what I’m working on at the moment, and it would start/stop the appropriate timers. Bonus if it logs the time by day so I can look back over a week/month/year w/o having to log it separately myself.

    Thanks!

    • bellatrix

      Toggl is fantastic. It’s been a while since I used it, but it’s recommended frequently on my freelance boards so I don’t think it’s changed in quality. IIRC it can do all the things you want. There’s a paid version but the free one is plenty robust.

      • Ribena

        I also use Toggl – but to track my knitting projects (I use the Gideon method to help me actually finish stuff) – and it’s fantastic

  10. African history

    Can anyone recommend any books about African history? It has become very apparent to me that my history education in school left out most African history (surprise surprise), or at best told it from the European perspective (again, surprise surprise). We certainly covered ancient Egypt, but I don’t really recall anything beyond that besides of course the transatlantic slave trade (again, always told from the European or American perspective and never focused on the African impact).

    I’d appreciate any books related to the Greek/Roman empires on the Mediterranean coast, later supplanted by various Muslim empires; kingdoms/empires/tribes/really anything about the rest of Africa; the scramble for Africa and what that did to existing structures; and 20th century/modern history, all preferably told through the African voice and not the western colonizer voice. Ironically, due to anthropology courses, I’m far more familiar with the deep past and our human ancestors (australopithecines, early hominins, etc.).

    • Curious

      Historical fiction, but Homecoming and Half of a Yellow Sun grounded me in histories of Ghana (older) and Nigeria (20th century). Perhaps a place to start.

    • Anon

      Not a book, but there is a YouTube channel called Geography Now! and they have short videos about each country, its people, food, customs, and history and often clips from people presently living there. It has been a great thing to do (with my kids who are underschooled this year). They are going through countries in order and just released South Africa.

    • Anon

      Someone I know recently read A History of Africa by John Fage and highly recommended it, though I haven’t gotten to it yet.

    • IWishIHadMoreTimetoRead

      I don’t have a great history resource here but I recent read Half a Yellow Sun and The Shadow King, which are both novels written about the Biafran War in Nigeria and the war in Ethiopia vs Italy in the 1930s. Both of these were really great views into those countries at the time and accessible to me as someone who is interested in these countries but lacks detailed background knowledge.

    • Anon

      Homegoing was great historical fiction and Things Fall Apart is a literary classic. I haven’t actually read it, but I’ve seen recs for King Leopold’s Ghost as a history of colonialism in the Congo, though written by an American. I also liked the film Lumumba. We read Kaffir Boy in junior high, which is an autobiography of a boy growing up in Apartheid South Africa, which left a significant impression on me at the time, not sure how well it holds up. I’d love to hear more recs from other people, especially on books written from an African perspective.

    • OP

      Thanks for the suggestions so far! It’s encouraging to me that so many of these books have waitlists at my library. I have added myself to them and should have a few in a couple weeks.

      I should add that I read Trevor Noah’s memoir about growing up in South Africa and it was fascinating (and disturbing). I recommend that one for anyone else interested in modern African history.

      • NYC

        You do realize South African history is not the history of the entire continent right? They have many, many different religions, cultures and histories. It’s irritating to see you repeatedly mention African history without indicating any appreciation for the depth of differences

        • OP

          Yes, of course I know South Africa is just one country of dozens; Trevor Noah’s book is an example of a good book about a part of modern African history, and I certainly didn’t say it was ALL of modern African history. I think my initial question made it pretty clear that I’m interested in the whole continent and the depth of differences and how those countries got to where they are, which was entirely lacking in my standard American education. And the responses have been great, up until yours.

    • AnonMPH

      For history books, I would recommend The Fate of Africa by Martin Meredith and Africa Since Independence by Paul Nugent. These are not light reads (read them in college classes) but really sweeping historical perspective.

    • Anon

      I wish I could recommend a good high school or college textbook, but I really cannot; we still have a long way to go.

  11. Notinstafamous

    My MIL is living with us for the next 6 months. We are struggling with what to do in the evenings with her – we’ve gotten into a routine of watching TV with & after dinner and then walking the dog and then going to bed. It’s a rut and DH and I both dislike it but what else can we do? She won’t go outside for longer walks because it’s dark (rural area). Are there any good games we can play with 3 people? She doesn’t really read so our normal approach of reading together doesn’t work too well. We need something to add some whimsy and joy!

    TLDR: need something to fill approx 50-90 min on a weekday night three adults can do.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t? Like. If you and your husband enjoy reading. I’d keep doing that. And she can do what she wants.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. I don’t think you are required to entertain her every evening.

    • nuqotw

      Is there a game you all three enjoy? Jigsaw puzzles? A thousand piece puzzle would last a while. Looking at pictures of DH as a child/reminiscing? Zoom with further flung family/friends?

      Also, can she be left alone? If so, I don’t think you need to all three do a thing together every night, e.g. it’s okay for you and your husband to go for a walk after dark and if she doesn’t want to come she doesn’t have to.

      • Curious

        I love doing puzzles with my FIL :) that was one of our main evening entertainments when they visited for 5 weeks last year.

    • Anonymous

      Puzzles, board games, adult colouring books? If she knits, crochets, or cross stiches perhaps she could work on that while you read?

    • Anonymous

      What does she normally do in the evening? And have you tried just giving her space? Honestly, 6 months is so long that everyone probably needs some alone time in the evening. If she likes TV after dinner but you read, let her watch TV and retreat to another room. Maybe find a board game for a Friday night, but I would be so annoyed if someone made me play games every night rather than unwind how I would like.

    • Jeffiner

      She might like classic games like Yahtzee, Phase 10, Scrabble, or Monopoly? My mom will play the “new” generation of games with us, but she feels intimidated by them and prefers the ones where she already knows the rules. Also, jigsaw puzzles.

    • No Face

      I live in a multigenerational household. It is not the same as having your parents visit for a week or two. I chitchat with my mom at varying points during the day, but we do not spend our evenings together at all. If you and your husband like long walks, you can go on long walks without MIL! If you like reading, you can read! You don’t need to entertain MIL. There is no need to dislike your evenings for six months.

      If you all want to play games together, Settlers of Catan and Splendor work well with three people.

      • Cat

        I was trying to figure out how to say this. For a six-month stay, expecting to have constant time together is not sustainable. Think of this more like a roommate situation where sometimes you’re all hanging out and sometimes all doing your own thing.

        What would MIL have done after dinner when living by herself?

      • Anon

        +1,000,000
        Just go on your long walks and read together like normal. She is a big girl that can figure out her evenings herself. Even if you get a list of good games here there is no way you will all keep that up most nights for 6 months.

    • H13

      Puzzles!
      Would you enjoy doing an online class together one a week? Maybe an art or craft class you can all do together? Our local library offers free access to Creative Bug.

    • editor

      Speaking as a mother-in-law myself (and a voracious reader, so no one will ever have this problem with me) I just want to say how kind of you to care about this! I was discouraged after reading the replies to the vacuuming/bill-paying letter last week, which seemed 95% against helping the older generation.

      I would lose it if I had to watch TV for more than one night. Could you, possibly taking turns, wear headphones and go ahead and read while she watches? The only other thing I can think of is involving her in your evening preparations (next day’s lunch, laundry, cleaning kitchen, loading crockpot with ingredients) but personally I could do that, like one night a week at most. At night I am DONE and he moves fastest who moves alone.

      I loved canasta with my widowed grandmother and father but I was weird. I think you can also play gin rummy with three. But if she didn’t play cards when young, this may not appeal to her now.

      Anyway, I hope you get some good ideas.

      • Cat

        On your comment about the “against helping” thread – what did you think was so bad? I thought it was very practical – adult children don’t have unlimited capacity to take on a second household, so outsource to the extent possible so that their “helping time” can focus on more personal things rather than cleaning or errands.

        • Anon in St. Louis

          I don’t remember the whole thing, and I don’t want to open a can of worms here.

          Here’s where I was coming from, though: not a specific elder-nurturing culture, but a classic Midwestern US suburban upbringing. I’m the oldest girl. When my mother died young, I changed my college plans to help my father and siblings adjust and take care of the house. Ten years or so later, his second wife died, and I helped again. At the same time, he was helping his widowed mother, paying bills, etc. (no repairs or anything, though, that I know of.) My husband and I would sometimes drive my grandmother to the grocery store at night. At one point during this, I had a baby. It would never had occurred to me to say at any of these times, “You’re on your own, you have money, pay for it.” It seemed that people were deliberately misunderstanding the vacuuming, which I saw as keeping a child busy while the father was paying bills. No one was driving over there specifically to vacuum, that would be crazy.

          I think it was the unanimous nature of the replies that got me. And I AM of another generation — the so-called “ME” generation (haha). So I didn’t say anything last week. And now I’m going to duck and run again.

          • good luck

            +1

            I agree with you and I was startled by the other thread too.

            I also changed my life plans and flew home when devastating event happened with parents, and when parent died.

            I mean geez…. her MIL’s husband had just died. Yes, a couple months ago means just died.

            It is extremely difficult managing childcare/marriage/helping parents.

            I hope everyone realizes that our own children are watching how we treat the grandparents, and that will be the model for how they will treat us when we age. It would be nice if all of us are infinitely wealthy so that we can all pay for all the support staff/health care that we need as we age, and deal with death and loss perfectly with everything well organized. But that is not the norm.

          • Anon

            This was my upbringing as well (young Generation X). While my homelife wasn’t great, I have a ton of good memories of shoveling snow, pulling weeds, mowing yards, etc for elderly neighbors. It wasn’t something the neighbors asked of us – we just did it because that’s what you do.
            I remember my father being a petulant ass about my mom doing more to help as her mother aged. By that point, my sister and I were older teens and it’s not like he did anything around the house, anyway, so I’m not sure what he really had to whine about, but boy did he. It left a bad taste in my mouth because that’s not the way mom raised us.

          • Anon

            But in the specific post everyone was commenting on, money was not cited as an issue. The poster did not say the MIL or the son’s family could not pay for help with mundane tasks months in. If money WAS cited as an issue from either party being able to pay for these things, I’m sure the answers would have been different, and to imply otherwise is unfairly putting words in peoples mouths.

            Also, in your specific example, you’re right, there is no substitute for flying home to help a parent through a trying time if you don’t live near them. You couldn’t have exactly outsourced that. However, in this specific example, since the family otherwise lives nearby there IS a reasonable outsourcing that can happen for some of these tasks which I don’t think is heartless especially since (I recall) the majority of commenters were encouraging this so that the family could still spend a bunch of time with MIL, but that the time spent with the MIL was more enjoyable for everyone and maybe especially including her, which actually in my mind is a caring way to look at it.

      • Anon

        Just want to chime in that I found the majority of the replies to that post depressing as well.

        I am an older Gen X. The Boomers were the “Me” generation. The Millenials, largely their children, are just as self absorbed. I know these are broad generalizations and there are exceptions within every group, but wow.

        • Anonymous

          I suggest you reread them and re-examine why a woman should get no help from her husband with their household and young children because grandma doesn’t want to hire a housekeeper.

        • Anonymous

          How are millenials self absorbed? It’s not their responsibility to bail boomers out from their lack of retirement planning.

          • Anon

            Amen. While also struggling much more than boomers ever did to have their own lives, largely because of decisions boomers made.

          • Anon

            The mother’s husband had JUST died in that story. It had been a hot minute. And so many people were like, nope, let her figure it out. Boundaries! His obligations are to you. While the husband was also grieving and it seemed like spending time helping his mom was one of the ways he dealt with it.

      • Anonymous

        Oh come on. The replies were very reasonable. No one said “don’t help the older generation.” They said things like “maybe hire a house cleaner so the father of two young children isn’t spending his time vacuuming for his mother” and “get a property manager so time with grandma is a pleasure not a chore.”

    • Anon

      I truly don’t mean this rudely. Is there some particular reason that you are obliged to entertain her nightly? I would think that if she were visiting for a week or two, yes, you are obliged to play host, but that if she is living with you, you could make some accommodations, but she should also accommodate your normal routines.

    • Anon

      Agree with others. This isn’t like a long weekend visit. Six months is a long time. Make sure she has a comfortable place to hang out. If she wants to watch TV every night, give her the TV and read in your room. Go on your walks without her. She is likely just as worried she’s taking too much of your time, so I think everyone will relax a little if you do separate things a lot of the time.

      • Anonymous

        I see the sitcom version.of this. Couple finally take their long evening walk, leaving MIL behind. The door shuts and couple exchange worried looks about having left MIL behind. On the other side of the door, MIL looks around at an empty house and cracks a big smile and throws herself on the couch and declares “Finally!”

    • Notinstafamous

      Thank you all for your suggestions and thoughts!

      To elaborate on the situation, she’s living with us instead of being alone during COVID and following deaths in the family. She’s grieving and elderly and doesn’t really have anything to fall back on. We’re trying to provide some structure because she seems happier when we do things but doesn’t proactively know what she wants to do. It’s been a month and DH has been doing all of the emotional labor and I’m trying to help out more so am looking for ideas. We leave her alone for 12+ hours a day while we work so looking for some quality time beyond watching tv.

      • Anon

        I mean…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If she doesn’t want to walk or read or whatever, let her do her own thing.

      • Trixie

        If she is not a reader, she may like young adult books–easier to read, larger print. Crafts? cooking? TV is not bad to enjoy….take your walks, and watch TV, and don’t stress yourself. 6 months is long enough after deaths that it will evolve on its own. If she is not proactive, maybe assignments would be preferable to her–like baking, or creating a photo scrap book of old photos.

      • Coach Laura

        I second puzzles, card games, scrabble (or something similar that doesn’t require strong language skills).

        What about getting an audible book for you all to “read” together? Less soporific than TV. Listen to a chapter a night. Get something that neither you nor your husband has read. Something like The Boys in the Boat, Unbroken or Dead Wake. Last Days of John Lennon. House of Kennedy. Girls of Atomic City. The Sun Does Shine. The Power of Love by Bishop Curry (He gave Harry & Meghan’s wedding sermon). The Monuments Men.

      • Anonymous

        Audiobooks that everyone can listen to while doing their own activity/craft time.

      • Anon

        Given the recent deaths this would either be very desirable or very undesirable— but if she is into it, this is an incredible opportunity to do some geanealogy / oral history together. There are surely kits or programs to guide you.

  12. Kara

    Have you ever asked not to work on a client at work because you didn’t like the clients industry?

    I work at a small consulting firm and most of our clients are consumer products of some type of the other. I’m sure that if someone looked into every practice they have they would find something objectionable, but I don’t have any issue with them ever.
    We got a new client that is a financial company that is doing something that is not good for the economy. Somewhat similar to the type of institutional investors who fueled the 2008 crisis. I’m trying to be vague, but this companies’ entire purpose would screw over working people.
    They’re trying to staff that project right now, and I know I’m one of the people they’re considering. Would it be awful / career ruining if I asked not to be on this project? I think it would be more straightforward if it was like a tobacco company – I know people do ask not to be on those projects.

    • BabyAssociate

      Do you have enough work to otherwise stay busy? My firm has a lot of MLM clients and while I have never expressly said I don’t want to do their work, I do have enough other work that I can turn those projects down.

      • K

        Yeah I would say I do have enough work, and there are also plenty of other clients I could be put on. It’s probably comparable to MLM clients – not everyone would find them too awful to work with, but I do.

    • Anon

      I refused to be on a case that was so repulsive to me that I just couldn’t make myself do it. (It was more straightforward even than a tobacco company). I knew refusing could possibly cost me my job and I didn’t care, I knew it was a price I was going to have to pay if that was the case because I just couldn’t do it. It ended up being fine, and they put someone else on the case instead.

    • Anon

      I’ve done it once without problem, but it was literally a tobacco company. When I’ve been trying to avoid other projects I didn’t want to be on, often because of the personality of the main partner, I tried to ensure that I was too busy before they asked. Can you proactively look for other projects that would mean that you are not available to be staffed on this matter? Another option, if you have a senior person who is in your corner is to have them cover for you. I had a partner I did a lot of work with who would be willing to go to bat for me and say I was too busy if I really wanted to avoid working for someone, but that worked given that he was a big rainmaker and could therefore protect his favorite associate (and I only used that out once).

    • Senior Attorney

      I did once, many years ago. Not exactly the same issue but similar and I was prepared to quit my job over it. Fortunately it didn’t come to that and I was taken off the case and there weren’t any repercussions. (But this was a generation ago — who knows what would happen now?)

    • Anon

      I was in a consulting role when I was staffed on projects related to Monsanto and Countrywide Financial (two separate projects over the course of a 5 year role in a large consulting company). I considered but ultimately didn’t ask to be excused.
      The reasons were that I would be viewed negatively, I wouldn’t have enough billable hours, my refusal might be considered implied criticism of the partner who worked on the project, it would impact my reputation as “not a team player”, I might not be staffed on future projects with that already picky partner, etc. It was uncommon to not be asked
      I also told myself that even guilty criminals get a lawyer, someone needs to speak up for the defendant’s side of the story. To be clear, I never did anything unethical – my work was all straightforward number crunching, but I felt uncomfortable working for these companies.
      Ultimately I left the consulting role due to its cutthroat work culture and also because I was worn down by this and other things. I am happier now, have kids and work life balance (but would have made much more money over the last few years if I’d stayed).
      My advice is to look out for yourself since the company is not looking out for you.

  13. Anon

    Hive, I’m 33 and single and have coveted a Bario Neal ring for maybe 7 years – it’s stunning and simple and artful and elegant. As soon as I saw it I thought ‘if I ever get engaged that’s the kind of ring I want’. And this spring I decided to get this ring just for myself and I LOVE IT. I recommend this if you’re thinking about a special piece of jewelry

    • No Face

      I don’t even like jewelry and I think the Bario Neal cluster rings are stunning. Glad you like yours!

    • Anon

      I have been thinking about these almost non-stop since seeing them recommended here. I will definitely be getting one as a splurge purchase in the future!

    • Monday

      Strongly agree that anyone who wants a particular ring should just buy it for herself as soon as she can afford it.

    • Anon

      Good for you! We should all buy ourselves the jewelry we want when we can afford it. We’ve worked hard and we’ve earned it. I bought myself a beautiful vintage ring after winning a big case and it felt good and I love it

    • CountC

      Yes, yes, yes! I drool over the BN rings and have bought other rings for myself (Kate Maller) because I wanted to. It’s awesome. (Also single FWIW)

  14. Anon

    Has anyone bought curvy-cut white jeans anywhere lately? Mid-rise (higher is OK, but there are so many mom jean variants that don’t work for my shape) is preferred or a countour that isn’t high across my upper tummy. And nothing linen or button fly — just basic jeans in white that fit.

  15. Anon

    How have you made your peace with being the trailing spouse or the person whose career is less important, if that’s not something you wanted? Or did you end up rethinking your relationship?

    Long story but married my husband when he was doing a medical fellowship with the agreement that when he finished he’d look for an attending job in the same city or in other major cities so my attorney career wouldn’t be derailed. Fast forward 1 year — oh you don’t HAVE to work; we’ll have kids soon anyway (hint hint that’s your problem); this rural college town program is throwing themselves at me, it’ll be sooo much better for me there than at big city health system etc. We dated a few years before marriage but not long and mostly long distance so now it’s becoming clear to me that he was saying what I wanted to hear. Add to that that we’re from a culture where drs are thought of as gods so of course I’m getting both my parents and his parents in my ear about the best opportunity for HIM, oh you’ve worked sooo hard now he’ll provide etc. I want to scream and just like leave (semi seriously) because I’ve spent a good 8+ years on my career, am finally in a good position and no one cares at all. Thoughts?

    • anonshmanon

      This doesn’t sound like you would freely choose to put your career on the back burner to focus on kids while receiving respect and acknowledgement for this sacrifice from your spouse. Ergo, if it were me, I don’t think I’d make peace with that kind of situation. I’m sorry that’s a difficult situation.

    • Anonymous

      I’d get a divorce. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your career. He doesn’t want a marriage with You- A Full Exciting Person.

      Why throw your career away on a marriage that will probably fail?

      • Anon

        Ugh, yes, this. It’s harsh, but I just get the sense that if you try to make peace with it now, and you leave your job to follow him, you’ll eventually end up divorced anyway and then you’ll be in an even worse spot, having been out of the work force for a number of years.

          • Is it Friday yet?

            +1 – I have two separate friends whose husbands moved them to states far away from their families, and then after having a kid the marriages ended (one due to husband’s emotional abuse, the other due to the doctor husband rampantly cheating). Both of these women are now stuck in states 1,000+ miles from any real friends or family because their ex-husbands refuse to leave and the child custody arrangements won’t allow them to move out of state. One is a lawyer who did continue working, she’s in a much better place than the other friend who quit to be a SAHM and struggles to pay bills every month (the ex is super controlling, even with child support and alimony). I would be EXTREMELY hesitant to move and have a kid, because you could end up anchored somewhere you hate for 18 years.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree with this, sadly. It doesn’t seem like you married the person you thought you married. So cut your losses and get out before something irreparable happens.

    • Anon

      Marriage therapy at a minimum, divorce at a maximum. This guy does not care about the real you, just the idea of a wife.

      • Anon

        This. We may be of the same culture because even though I’m US born and raised, in my parents’ view — drs above all else. But yeah a lot of these dr guys just want the perfect photograph – wife, kids, huge house – but really they expect life to be all about them from the wife 100% dealing with the kids to dinner on the table nightly. The difference in my community now though vs 30 years ago, the guys know if they go into any kind of relationship with these attitudes, women will run away because American born women aren’t falling over drs that way, so the guys have learned to talk the talk re compromise, both our careers will be important etc and frankly it serves them well when their law firm associate wife can support a much better lifestyle for them than they could for residency and fellowship but once they’re done training and have all their relatives telling them they can do no wrong/should have what they because DOCTOR, then their true views about them being more important, no compromising etc comes out. I do wonder if OP got duped by this esp if everyone was just being polite during a long distance relationship.

      • Z

        Yeah start with marriage counselling if you want to try to stay with him and maybe keep your career. This doesn’t sound compatible to me, though. He told you what you wanted to hear, didn’t think you would hold him to it, and is now trying to get you to change your mind. Sorry to say it but your career was never important to him.

      • Anon

        +1
        I was in this marriage — I have an intense public interest career, while ex was in a unicorn high-earning-low-hours career. He constantly belittled what I did because of how much I made relative to how many hours I worked, and it only got worse when we had a kid, where it was all about how I was neglecting my family for a job that didn’t pay enough. Every time I tried to talk about my work and said anything even mildly negative, he rolled his eyes and told me to just quit. Eventually I just quit him. I am much, much happier without him. My career is thriving and my child has a mom who is a role model for joy and independence, rather than one who is miserable.

    • No Face

      Definitely let the parental comments go in through one ear and out the other.

      Living in a small town and in a city are very different lifestyles, even without dual career considerations. Rural towns have to throw themselves at doctors for a reason. Your career is a valid consideration, as is your preferences for lifestyle. When you talk to your husband, privately, make sure he understands that you don’t think you could be happy in the town, no matter how great the job is for him. He is not a single guy. This is a major decision that affects the entire family, including you and your future children.

      As an aside, I prefer raising my children near the amenities in the near-suburbs of my small city. We have well-funded public school districts, diversity, park systems, museums, the zoo and botanical gardens, easier access to a variety of shopping and restaurants, etc. The main college town is really nice, but lacks all of those things. Even if I was a SAHM, SAHM here >>>>>>>>>>> SAHM in the college town.

    • test run

      Slightly different situation, but I’m on the other side of having moved to the rural college town from a big city for my spouse’s niche job and honestly we both hate it and are actively trying to move. I was worried before the move about not liking it, but decided to give it my best shot – after 5 years of genuinely trying our best to love where we live, it’s just not happening (for either of us – his job was “the dream job that will be so much better” but it turns out that having a great job in a city you don’t like that’s really far from your family and hard to make friends in… makes it not the dream job). So I would say trust your gut, especially if it feels like your husband is downplaying how much this will impact you. The only way my husband and I have survived this is by openly talking about it and – without putting the blame on him – acknowledge how hard it’s been for both of us and why. If my husband took the tone you’ve described, I honestly would have probably tried to pick up and move somewhere else with or without him.

    • A

      So, I am not American. Indian here and absolutely kick ass high achiever. Husband and I met at b school but he is in finance so earns 4x of what I make. And my only compromise is that we’ve stayed in the same city for his role. Which probably limited me by around 20%.

      That said, not once has he or anyone else (parents, inlaws) EVER hinted or said that my career was less important. Heck, he has changed more diapers than I have. So in your situation I’d have a “come to Jesus “ talk with him. Lay out what is and isn’t acceptable. Don’t have kids till you see how it plays out. I would leave if he didn’t respect me enough. No way would I have kids with someone who wanted to move to rural anyplace. Ask him why he thinks he should be the provider. What happens if he drops dead tomorrow? What about your ambitions?

      I’m guessing you’re either East or South Asian.
      Good luck.
      .

      • Anon

        +1 Start with Come to Jesus talk with him.
        Also South Asian, my husband has absolutely been an equal partner. We both have high paying careers, when I was getting my Ph.D. he supported me and vice versa when he got another degree. He has done more night wakeups than I have and now that my kids are in elementary school, he does all of the school work supervision and half of the kitchen work. So much so that my brother asked me (half joking) “what is it you bring to the relationship?”.
        Don’t accept any less.

    • brokentoe

      Oh hell no. Bait and switch. Not a good way to start a lifelong partnership. RUN.

    • anon

      In a situation that is similar but not nearly as bad. Also a medical spouse, he’s debating continued training (as if 10 years post-undergrad wasn’t enough already…) and we have a recurring discussion about the geographic flexibility that would be required for his desired level of specialization. I am in a stressful, high paying, and “elite” (barf) job and do not want to leave our current city and would rather sacrifice career to stay, given the depth of our community here.
      Current city is not where job opportunities would be for him with his potential more specialized path. We don’t have any solutions but definitely can empathize with both of us wanting the other person to have career success but seeing it at odds a little bit with our individual desired trajectory. It does often feel like we have just too much ambition collectively for one marriage.

    • A

      Ignore the inlaws and parents. That’s a lot of noise. Though I will say….I’d be mad if my folk were on his side in this. Tell your folk to stay out of it atleast.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t ‘come to terms’ with this. Either you are an equal or your not. Clearly he doesn’t think of you as an equal and neither do your families.

    • Anon

      You need to schedule a time to discuss. Hear what hubs wants to say. Make it clear that this is a decision for the two of you, without consideration of what the parents think. Remind him of the original agreement, and (if it is accurate) tell him that this living situation does not appeal to you because your career is important to you. See how he responds. Act quickly before he has built a whole new life in his head that is not the life you want.

    • career pause

      I was in biglaw, took a huge step back, and the pandemic turned me into a sahm. So, I’m ok having the lower priority career.

      I would run screaming from the arrangement your spouse is proposing. It sounds like he’s not interested in being equal partners and doesn’t value what you care about. Becoming parents together will not make this situation better.

    • Walnut

      I think my kneejerk unfiltered reaction would be to respond with “Hell-effing-no” followed by laughter at the absurdity and then “Who on earth did you think you married?”

      Basically, I would make it dead obvious that his idea is so ridiculous you won’t even remotely entertain it.

    • Anon

      I’ve been trying to not comment much here these days, but I saw this and really have to respond:

      ” oh you don’t HAVE to work; we’ll have kids soon anyway (hint hint that’s your problem); this rural college town program is throwing themselves at me, it’ll be sooo much better for me there than at big city health system etc. ”

      Your husband has a problem. Once he got married, it stopped being about what is good for HIM and started becoming about what is good for YOU BOTH. Sorry for the caps; wish I could bold. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you as a couple. That’s actually just the end of it. He might have to take a job he likes 80% as much so that you don’t have 0% of a job.

      I am the trailing spouse of an academic and taking a giant step back in my career has been very, very hard. The one thing that made it okay was my husband’s willingness to teach high school or become a city government official, if he couldn’t find tenure-track in my city. We ended up going in the direction of me moving, in part because his tenure + accrued sick leave meant that he could do part-time FMLA for a year after our kiddo was born and can take up a lot of the kid slack so I can play catch-up in my career.

      I also worry that you are setting yourself up to be a classic victim of marriage (sorry, no better way to put it): nurse, attorney, teacher, whatever puts her husband through med school and residency, gives up her career to raise the kids, and ten years later, he’s cheating on her and she’s up the creek without a paddle. I am not disparaging your husband… just wanted to throw that out there.

    • Anon for this

      I agree with the other commenters. Based on your description, his attitude is dismissive and disrespectful of you and your career. For another perspective, my husband is in the military, so I’m very much a trailing spouse (although my salary is higher). My husband has always requested assignments — sometimes to his own detriment, even though he is a career officer — based on what would work for my career. For the past 7 years I’ve been a fully remote employee, and so we’re more flexible on location. Even so, he/we’ve passed up good opportunities in places like HI or living abroad because I wouldn’t be able to work there. I’d feel differently about your situation if your husband framed this as a great, temporary opportunity for him and asked you if you’d be able to step back from your career or do long distance again; the fact that he insists you should be happy to step back indefinitely (and you’re not) is the problem.

    • Anon

      DH and I dated for a long time before we were married and when we first met i was very ambitious/career oriented. then, due to some dissatisfaction/confusion with my own career, i decided we could just prioritize his career. this was almost all from me- he was comfortable with trying out long distance for a bit to make it work (meaning i would go to grad school in a different nearby city and he would stay working in original city – i was upset bc i wanted him to agree to move to new city), i was not at the time. when push came to shove before another big move i realize i had built up so much resentment towards him and feeling like what i wanted didn’t matter. we did couples counseling which helped A LOT. i have a job i really like now, though i don’t really have a career and wish i earned more money. not figuring out my own career more is one of my biggest regrets. in your case, i would 100% recommend couples counseling. and if not, then you think about divorce. and yes, ignore the parents – i will never forget my MIL trying to intervene about stuff like that when we were younger and it was not helpful

    • anon

      My husband and I have switched up being the “go-getter” depending on stages of our career (e.g., I went part time for a while, and then kicked it in high gear while his role became less demanding), but we did it with lots of conversation/back and forth/agreement. So for awhile, I was the trailing spouse (and by trailing spouse, I mean that I was 8o% in BigLaw and he traveled a lot), but that was right for our relationship and our family at the time, and we were in agreement. I agree with others that it doesn’t sound like you and your husband have a partnership.

    • anonshmanon

      Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if your needs will never again come first, now that your family has shown their real selves. My in-laws have a very traditional marriage, always moved to where FIL wanted to move, even though it makes MIL miserable. Each time she says ‘next time I won’t agree to move to some godforsaken place that I don’t even like’ but he gets to make the decision every time. She is much smarter than him but holds back to protect his ego.
      The natural next step: they are pushing this on the next generation. Luckily they don’t say it to my face and my husband politely ignores their nonsense, but they are worried that I have brainwashed him into a modern relationship and we are not particularly close as a result. If you plan to have kids, that BS family pressure is in their future as well.

    • Cautionary tale

      I will leave you with this:

      My in-laws are in their 70s. They were born and raised in Country A, moved to Country B for FIL’s job (both MIL and FIL were physicians), and the moved to the US for FIL’s job. FIL was essentially waived in to work in the US b/c of his speciality, he didn’t need to take boards; MIL would have had to go through residence and internship all over again and take the boards, and with 3 young kids, she just gave up her career as an anesthesiologist.

      Two years ago, we were out at dinner and FIL was talking about all of the twists and turns that his life has taken but that, despite the bad, he wouldn’t change a thing. He’s happy. My husband turned to his mom and said: “How about you, Mom?”

      Response: “I would never have left my country”.

      Don’t live your life in regret.

    • Anonymous

      Sadly it sounds like you have completely different expectations for your marriage and future. If you are not too far into the marriage it’s probably better to get out now. Find someone who will be a true partner and let you be you.

    • Anonymous

      Also I just want to add that early in a marriage if you find it’s not what you expected there is no shame in getting out early and cutting your losses. I’m an old and I’ve seen it many times with my friends and my kids friends and and it has never not worked out for the best. Let him take the rural job and stay in your city.

  16. anon

    Help me fix my kitchen disaster. I roasted a chicken last night with lots of butter. (Ina Garten’s recipe, fyi.) The chicken was delicious, but there is still a stale, greasy scent in my kitchen and living room area. I had the windows opened for awhile last night, and the pan cleaned up fine. The oven smells like an oven always does. How do I get rid of this gross smell in the air? Like I said, the chicken was delish, but I think that was way too much butter for a 5-pound bird.

      • Anon

        Yes to all this. Make sure everything is wiped down in your kitchen and every dish is washed. Once you’ve done that the smell will be gone within a day.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Ventilation, a candle, brew some coffee, bake some bread, and check that the smell hasn’t taken up residence in a specific textile. For us, cooking smells congregate in the bathroom off our kitchen, specifically in the towels hanging on the towel rack. If I close the door before cooking it is not a problem, but if I forget, the towels give off stale garlic or onions or curry or whatever until I wash them again.

    • Anon

      Heat some white vinegar on the stove, with as many fans running and open windows as possible. We have several portable electric fans that we set in the windows in pairs, one pulling air and one across the room pushing air.

    • anon

      Boil some vinegar and water together (1 Tbsp vinegar per 1 cup water). You can add something that smells good to the water if you’d like–lemons, limes, mint, bay leaves, fresh rosemary, cinnamon, vanilla, or whatever you want your house to smell like instead.

      Also, leave a bowl of baking soda out on the counter.

  17. Anonymous

    Do you think extroverts will be more empathetic to introverts when all of this is over? I hear extroverts really struggling with the isolation Covid has necessitated. As an introvert, I miss my friends and family and I definitely have moments of anger/sadness/frustration, but I wouldn’t say my mental health is suffering like others seem to be experiencing. From strictly a work perspective, I really prefer the current environment. It’s been a huge relief to not have to go to endless networking events, travel for conferences, make sure to make idle chit chat in the office or people think I’m mean – all the ancillary work stuff I’m bad at but seems to come so naturally to others. For example, there’s this attitude that work conferences are some kind of fun vacation rather than a burdensome chore that leaves me all but debilitated for days while I recover from being “on” for so long. My whole life has been exhausting because I’m trying to make it in an extrovert’s world. Now the extroverts are feeling exhausted by living in an introvert’s world. Do they know that’s what’s going on? Will things change at all to accommodate introverts?

    • Anon

      Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I haven’t noticed much empathy from extroverts at all this entire time and most of the ones I know in my family have been the least careful throughout the pandemic. I am empathetic to their struggling, but only up to a point (we’re all struggling in our own ways). I don’t think I should need to sacrifice my own health and needs to the level that they seem to want to rush back to. Going back to the office, for example, is something that several extroverts I know really want, and they don’t even seem to listen when I say that that could kill me because I am very high-risk. If I don’t die from Covid then I will probably die from their nonstop conversation….

      Anyway, I am hopeful for more empathy but not feeling that optimistic.

    • Cat

      Well based on yesterday’s thread from an extrovert’s perspective… I’m not holding my breath.

      • Anonymous

        +1. The lack of empathy was really startling. I feel bad that that person was struggling, but the level of rage was uncalled for and unhelpful.

      • anon

        She was the odd one out though, and she sounded like an all-around terrible person. Thankfully my friends and coworkers are way more empathetic & don’t threaten to end friendships over differing preferences.

        • CountC

          +1 to that poster being an extreme (I am not sure she wasn’t a troll . . . ) My close friend groups have a mixture of types of people and we are all understanding and respectful of each other’s needs. Would we miss seeing people if they were as quick to come back to normal socializing? Of course. Would we take it personally? Absolutely not.

          • anonshmanon

            +1 and it seemed to be one person who wasn’t getting a lot of agreement from the commentariat.

      • anon

        Ditto, as a lifelong introvert I’m not expecting much once things go back to normal.

    • Anon

      I’m exactly the same, OP. In fact, my mental health has been flourishing as a direct result of the current WFH situation. I am actually dreading going back to working in an office environment because it’s having to do all the ancillary work stuff and having to be “on” that drains me way more than my actual job ever could. It’s been so wonderful to just hunker down and do my work in my house in comfy clothes and periodically be “on” for a zoom call and that’s my whole job. Unfortunately I don’t think there will be any changes to accommodate introverts or any empathy from extroverts re this as a result of the pandemic. My colleagues and friends who are extroverts are really chomping at the bit to get back into the office and complain about missing all of the things that I am dreading the return of. In fact, some of them have already started to go in periodically :(

    • Anonymous

      Nope. Unfortunately some people just don’t have that level of self awareness.

    • Anonymous

      I reject the whole premise of this. The world isn’t neatly divided into introverts and extroverts. There are not two warring camps here.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. It is so odd to me to think of things in these terms. I have no idea who in my life is an extrovert vs introvert save for two extreme cases of highly social introverts with whom I have very close relationships. Are there people out there who just think of themselves and others as belonging to one of two camps and see life through that lens?

        • anon

          Interesting. I know what all of my friends are — it helps us interact with each other in ways that respect one another’s needs and boundaries. Out of curiosity, how old are you?

          • Anonymous

            I am mid 40s. I assume you are younger. I think Gen Xers leave our kid gloves in drawers most of the time.

          • anon

            Yes, I am younger. I’m sorry you think treating people nicely is a defect.

      • Anon

        I wish this were true, but what I see is people who actively resent that some people are “getting out of” social obligations that they enjoy and want to make mandatory for everyone.

        • Anon

          That is jerks and not jerks, not extroverts and introverts. I think people who try to make being either one their entire personality are boring and I don’t want to hang out with any of them.

    • anonshmanon

      I am more hopeful that businesses will make the business decision to provide the work arrangement that lets their staff be most productive.

    • Anon

      I think the likely hybrid workplace model will be a lot better for everyone- it’s that compromise position of some time in the office, and some time at home. You don’t need empathy so much if the day to day is more compatible with your desires.

    • anon

      No, they don’t get it at all. What they consider normal is very, very exhausting to some of us, but we put up with it anyway.

      • Anonymous

        Even school was crushingly exhausting for me. I loved everything about the academics, but the non-stop social demands wore me down. I hope that the children whose mental health issues have magically resolved during the lockdown can find a more balanced path forward. But to me the fact that schools have traditionally demanded and rewarded extroversion is a sign of how resistant our systems are to recognizing anything else.

    • LaurenB

      Given that even at the height of the pandemic, extroverts could socialize for hours on end on the phone, via Zoom, or walk with friends outdoors, I don’t get all the commotion. It’s not like they were prohibited from contact with other people – they just couldn’t go to a bar, boo hoo.

    • Anonymous

      I really feel you. I am the same. The world is set up for extroverts. I hope it changes.

  18. Anon

    Hello imaginary internet friends. We are adopting a dog and he arrives today, sooner than expected. He’s from a rescue and is a bulldog mix. We ordered a crate/kennel that won’t be here in time so the rescue is lending us a travel type crate for now. They have some food for him to start with as well and we have more on order arriving tomorrow.

    What should I be thinking about right now? We’re so excited but trying to make his transition calm.

    • Anonymous

      Set a routine from the beginning and decide what the ground rules will be now because that will help him acclimate to the new home more quickly. Dog-proof your house so he doesn’t have access to anything you don’t want him to chew. Get some chewy toys and some soft toys. Get some puppy training treats. Prepare for the joys of dog ownership. There is nothing better.

    • No Problem

      He needs stuff that will be “his” from the start. A dog bed, a blanket or two (you can put them in the travel crate), some toys, etc. He needs to feel safe and cared for. You need a good leash or harness ASAP, and some dog treats. You may need to do a quick run through a pet store or do curbside pickup. They may have good suggestions too.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Yay! We got our dog sooner than expected, too – we went to visit her at the foster and fell in love. We literally took her into the pet store with us to buy food and water bowls, a bed, some toys, etc. Pick up a few different toys, a blanket or bed, a collar and a leash and you should be good to go. If you’ll be walking when it’s dark, a reflective leash and light-up collar are a good idea, too.

    • Nesprin

      Make sure you have poop bags and floor cleaning supplies. My dog came to me with a urinary tract infection and there was so much cleaning.

    • HW

      Definitely have a bed ready. It doesn’t have to be fancy, you will probably go through several over time. If you can’t get a bed, I would fold a blanket into a bed. He may need a collar, definitely a leash. I would also do a harness, especially while your dog is learning to walk with you.

      • Anonymous

        And teach him from day 1 that the bed is his spot. It is so useful to be able to tell the dog “go to bed” when he’s getting in the way.

  19. Cooling blanket recs for night sweats?

    Greetings from menopauseland. Anyone had success with cooling blankets? Thank you!

    • Anon

      No, I didn’t try those. But I wanted to share the one piece of advice that really helped me.

      When you get a hot flash, just stop. You’re running around, you’re trying to get stuff done, you get a hot flash. You try to power through. Just don’t. Give yourself a break and sit down for a minute. Have something cool to drink. Let it pass. You’ll feel so much better and the flash will be shorter in duration.

      • Anon

        It’s hard to just stop when one hits in the middle of a presentation, or when answering a client question. I agree that this technique helps in some situations; it is so difficult to continue when there is an electrical fire occurring inside my body. Ten years of flashes and no improvement yet, alas.

    • PolyD

      I bought some of Soma’s Cool Nights pajamas. I think they are slightly better than regular pajama at keeping me cool when I sleep.

      My other sleep tip is knit 100% linen tees. I get them from Loft, I wait for one of their super sales and get them for maybe $10. They are comfortable to sleep in and quick drying if you get a little sweaty.

      I think Anon’s advice to just stop when you get a hot flashes is good, too. At first, I tended to panic because I DO NOT like being hot. But they don’t seem to last too long, so if you can take a minute and just relax, it does help.

  20. Sensible shoes

    I have jury trials scheduled for May and June. I’m in state court, not federal, so formal but not super super formal. I usually wear 3″ heels for jury trials but after a year in slippers, that seems entirely unimaginable. My two pairs of office flats were due to be replaced in March 2020 and I can’t imagine they’ve improved their appearance in the past year. What shoes can I get that are either flat or low heels that will take me through several trials? Are we still doing pointy toes? What about sensible heels? I feel like my eyeballs can’t compute office shoes right now. I don’t like bows and I’d prefer to stay under $200. Advice and specific links appreciated :)

  22. Anon

    All the feels today — I hope people can offer their stories. 40, single (maybe I’ll post my detailed story another time) and while I never prioritized marriage etc and still am not desperate for a husband, now I’m at the age where the world is all couples and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Never had too many friends – lots of casual friends but no one whose house I could just go hang out at for a few hours on Sunday with their family (in pre pandemic times). The pandemic has shown me how much older my parents are getting — conversations with them are me explaining things to them as they respond in their set in their ways responses and basically spend all their time watching TV I don’t care about. Do you think travel (not now) would change anything? All I’m dreaming about is just moving to the beach (because even if I’m alone at least it’d be a pretty place) or just up and traveling in a country with a very different culture — like just getting an Airbnb and experiencing life in say Jordan or India or wherever for a few months (I have some language skills helpful in both places). Maybe that’d be lonely too but I find that when I travel anyplace even domestically I don’t think about me, my future, other people etc, I get lost in the place I’m in just exploring. But maybe this is just a fantasy because you know what they say — wherever you go, there you are. Thoughts from the hive?

    • Anon

      I find when I start having escape fantasies like this, its a sign that I need to focus more on cultivating a life that I don’t feel the need to escape from. Pre-Covid I would go on lots of solo trips (I’m also single), but sometimes I found being somewhere else actually amplified the loneliness. It sounds like you would benefit from finding some friends who have common interests with you – this is the only thing that stopped my own escape/moving fantasies. Are there any hobby groups you can join based where you currently live? There are lots of singles out there, you just have to find them!

    • Monday

      I don’t know that it would make a “change” per se, but when I am in a rut for any reason I find it helps to shake things up in some way. So yes, taking a trip when it’s safe to do so. But also painting your walls, taking a class, trying a new workout, anything else that will feel new.

    • CountC

      Hi! 41 and single and I love traveling by myself to get a change of pace. If I didn’t have a whole slew of animals, I would definitely rent an Airbnb and work from somewhere else for a while! What’s the worst that happens, you’re out some $$ and you go home early? Assuming you have the budget for it and you can do it safely, I say go for it.

    • Monte

      I am similar to you in that I am early 40s and single, having never cared much about marriage and wanting to avoid parenthood. I think travel can be helpful, but it depends on the motivation. Do you want to escape so you can stop thinking about your day to day? If so, like Anon says, you need to work to create the kind of life you want. But travel can also be the type of life you want, and if so, there is nothing wrong with that. When I think of people who have lives that I think of as enviable, they are the people who have had great adventures and who move and travel frequently. That is the kind of life I have always found exciting, so when I am motivated by that — rather than the “I hate this town and everyone in it” vibe — I know that I am on the right path.

    • Anon

      Fwiw, I love traveling alone! I don’t think it’s inherently lonely, although if you feel lonely anyway travel might not be enough to escape that.

  23. Anokha

    Instagram served up an ad for Tuckernuck. I’ve never heard of this clothing company. Does anyone have experience w/it and can comment on the quality/sizing?

    • anon

      I love Tnuck. Their customer service is very good. They mostly sell other brands so no comment on the sizing there really, but their in-house brand is tts. I’ve thought everything except one dress was very good quality. I will keep ordering. The one thing I didn’t like was a poly long house dress type of thing.

    • Anon

      They’re more like shopbop in that most clothes are other higher end designers. I love them, the sale page is amazing.

    • Cat

      I find their marketing annoying (seriously – trying to make Tuckernucking a thing? And giving boxes of free stuff to influencers who do the bare minimum effort of styling it?) but do like some of the brands they carry so browse occasionally in spite of that. You’d need to check the size charts for those brands unfortunately. I haven’t purchased any of their house brand items, though.

    • NYC

      I’ve ordered a few items but returned them because they didn’t look good on my body type. I’m a tall, size 6 hourglass- the clothing was purposely cut oversized and baggy. Dresses were too short for my height and preference. Fabric and sewing seemed quality

    • Anon

      Ordered one top from them and was very happy with it. Very tempted by their long sleeved slouchy polo right now!

  24. Wedding invite

    Do you think it’s safe to be at an outdoor wedding and reception in mid May? I’m guessing there would be 100-150 guests and it would be a permissible event in my state. They are taking a number of covid precautions that have been laid out on the wedding website, but I’m not sure it’s enough. Their wedding website says that all guests should wear masks aside from eating and drinking, ceremony seats will be spaced and to only sit with your household, tables will be spaced and generally won’t be full, and the food will be buffet style but served by the staff at the venue. As much as I appreciate them being at least covid conscious and I want to celebrate the happy couple, it still makes me a bit nervous. I will be fully vaccinated by the time of the event, in case it matters. An option is to attend the ceremony and skip the reception. What would you do?

    • Anonymous

      I would consider attending the ceremony and skipping the reception, but I would wear a KN95 mask or better and stay outside the whole time. I don’t believe eating and drinking in a crowd of that size will be safe at all. We need to keep the variants in mind right now and a lot of people there will not be vaccinated.

      FWIW, I attended a 20-person outdoor wedding held in a private backyard in August and it was billed as very COVID-safe, but almost everyone took off their masks right away. I had factored that risk into my decision to attend the ceremony (10 minutes) and I chose not to stay for the reception. Just make sure you’re clear with the bride on that in advance.

      • Anon

        This. I have found people take off masks ASAP as soon as the picture taking begins. And while you don’t have to be in pictures, you’ll be walking by groups throughout the reception squeezing in for pictures. Add to that the people who’ll stay unmasked the whole time because they’ll have a drink in their hand. It’s your call but just consider that masking tends to decline a lot when there are pictures to be taken and alcohol.

    • Cat

      This is the kind of thing that needs to wait until vaccines are available for everyone. I would go to the ceremony only.

        • Cat

          Because there is no way that people will adhere to mask and distance rules at the reception, frankly.

          I missed the part that the OP herself would be vaccinated in which case my concerns drop by a lot for her own safety, actually. So I amend my response. But I don’t think the couple should be having a 150 person wedding at all!

      • Senior Attorney

        Same. And if I weren’t fully vaccinated plus two weeks I would stay home.

      • NY CPA

        I’m going to a wedding in May and being vaccinated is the only reason I’m comfortable going.

      • Anon

        Same here. I’d go if fully vaccinated, as long as the size/venue is approved by local/state authorities.

    • anon

      If you are fully vaccinated, I believe the wedding is safe for you, especially if you wear your mask. Assuming that not all 100-150 guests are fully vaccinated, it is not an overall safe event. If this were a close relative or friend who I truly wanted to celebrate, I would likely attend the ceremony, which sounds reasonably safe, and part of the reception. I’d either eat ahead of time, or wear an N95 up to the buffet and eat a safe distance from others. I would leave before any dancing started (close together, heavy breathing, masks likely slipping) and before anyone was drunk enough that boundaries and personal space get compromised.

    • Marie

      My immediate reaction is that I would not feel comfortable attending the reception. Realistically, there is no way you are going to be eating and drinking (probably also dancing and singing) around 100-150 people and remain distanced for a whole night. It’s not practical and it would take all the fun out of an event like that to try to do it.

      If the seating for the ceremony is really spaced, sitting with your household, and you are outdoors, I think those are reasonable precautions and would consider attending only the ceremony to celebrate the couple and their marriage.

      • busybee

        Why would she need to be distanced? She will be fully vaccinated. The vaccines work.

        • Anon

          Vaccines work so that she won’t die/be hospitalized from contracting Covid at the wedding. But, vaccines aren’t 100% at preventing getting and spreading Covid. Vaccinated people should still take precautions to prevent getting Covid because they care about the people to whom they might spread Covid who haven’t yet been able to be fully vaccinated, such as people in their household along with the wider community.

          By mid-May, not all adults who want to be vaccinated will have had their appointments yet. Children will not have had an opportunity to be vaccinated.

    • Anon

      I definitely wouldn’t go. Variants exist, not everyone will be vaccinated, and it’s just plain irresponsible. I can’t believe that couples think that this is appropriate. Small wedding with close family only, sure, whatever, but 150 people is selfish and dangerous.

    • Anon

      I am really covid cautious but I would probably go after being vaccinated. I would also continue to mask and social distance at the wedding though. We’re still learning about the variants, and how common it is to have a mild case after vaccination, so I think masking will still be important.

      But if you think they shouldn’t be doing this and you want to vote with your feet by not attending, that is also reasonable.

    • Anon

      I would so much love to go to an outdoor wedding in May and I’ll be fully vaccinated +2 weeks by then. I would maybe go to the ceremony, if I could truly stay away from others, it was a local ceremony, and a dear friend getting married, but I definitely wouldn’t go to the reception.

      -members of my household won’t be vaccinated by then. While the vaccine protects my body from the worst outcomes and makes it less likely I’ll spread Covid, it’s still possible to spread Covid. I don’t want to risk spreading to my household or others (at the wedding, if I was a asymptomatic, or in a few weeks if I picked up Covid at the wedding).
      -I don’t have confidence that so many people, who are willing to go to a large event before the country is vaccinated, will strictly follow Covid precautions. The precautions also don’t sound like enough—eating at the same table as people in other households is a good way to spread Covid.
      -As a country, we’re so close to the finish line. I want to do my part in helping us get across the finish line.

    • Anonymous

      I would drop the couple as friends because they don’t share my values.

    • Anon

      this is another one of those questions with no right or wrong answer. everyone’s risk tolerance is different. for right now, i’ve decided that even once vaccinated, i am not comfortable with large unmasked events with strangers, so i won’t be dining at restaurants indoors or outdoors right away (this is also partially bc i live in FL where everything is open to 100% capacity, and eating at a restaurants feels like the equivalent of being at a bar on spring break). i totally believe the vaccines are effective and that small children are at low risk with covid, but i do have two small children who won’t be vaccinated for quite some time. for right now, i am prioritizing seeing grandparents, and maintaining school/childcare. i am eager to gather indoors with friends who are also fully vaccinated. i will also say that if it was like my bff getting married or a sibling, my answer might be different, or if i was single or if it was just me and DH. i might feel differently if you ask me in May, but this is how I feel right now. also- what is their rain plan?

      • Anon

        There is a right answer and that is that no one should host or attend a wedding like this right now. The picture may look very different later in 2021 when everyone has a chance to get vaccinated and transmission is down. We are not at that point and it’s so depressing that you guys don’t get that. Decision-making should not only take into account the risk to you personally. I can’t wait to get the vaccine for myself, but even when I do get it, I’m not going to contribute to potential super spreader events. We do not know enough about how well the current vaccines protect against the variants to say that such a large events can be safely justified.

        • Anonymous

          Like other commenters have said, it is a personal decision. OP is welcome to make her own decision, and you’re welcome to make yours. Making every decision based on everybody else sounds imperfect and exhausting. Please don’t virtue shame someone else because their values and risk tolerance don’t match up with yours.

    • Trixie

      If you are fully vaccinated plus two weeks out, just go and enjoy. Wear a mask, and wash your hands, as you are 95% safe from getting covid, and 5% could get a milder version. And, he research is showing that vaccinated people are not transmitters, so that is a plus too.

    • Anon 2.0

      I’d 100% go if you’re vaccinated. I am beginning to think a subset of posters on this board just never wan to leave the house again.

    • kitten

      It’s a negligible risk to yourself obviously. My issue with supporting big weddings is older relatives (especially parents) or other high risk people feel pressure to attend/don’t want to miss out. I declined to attend one last year because I was upset they were having it in the first place and didn’t want to normalize attending (was not concerned about risk for myself). The bride’s parents were high risk (and had to fly cross country!) but were not willing to miss their only daughter’s wedding. May is kind of a grey area for me. Assuming you’re in the US, at this rate the majority of people will be vaccinated by then. I probably wouldn’t go but I wouldn’t judge someone else for going. It’s annoying they couldn’t do it just 1-2 months later.

    • AnonMPH

      I would be torn just because it’s May, and May is likely too soon for all 100-150 people to be fully vaxxed. If I were fully vaccinated (and so was my household) I would be very tempted and might decide to go. But I agree with someone below who said- if a couple thinks is reasonable to go ahead with a 150 person wedding in May (when most adult Americans aren’t even eligible to sign up for an appointment, let alone actually get their shots until May), then I don’t trust that it is going to be a particularly safe event. The couple really has the power to set the tone in this case, and having the event at all says a lot.

      That said, I’d feel super differently about this same wedding in August. It’s just a couple of months, but by then we really should be in the territory of “everyone who wants a shot has gotten it” and that changes the game both on the safety of the event and the implications of the event for potentially spreading covid to other people.

      That said, as a 33 year old with no covid-risk conditions and no kids, if I were going to be fully vaccinated by then I’d probably go. I love weddings! And as you all know on here by now, I am pretty covid cautious. But I would seriously wish my friends had just pushed it back a little further.

  25. Anon

    I think I would like to make the jump from a law firm to in house (or even a non-legal career) but I’m not sure where to start. It will likely have to be a remote position for me since my city never has any openings like this, but when I’ve looked online there are hundreds of remote in-house postings out there, so it would be good to have someone who could help narrow down which opportunities would be a good fit.

    Has anyone worked with a recruiter specifically for in-house opportunities that they would recommend?

    • CountC

      Larger companies usually have in-house recruiters (we do). I am in-house and while I am not in our recruiting group, I think a lot of this will depend on your background and what type of in-house position you are looking for. Do you want to be a generalist? Do you have a niche specialty (IP, L&E, etc.)? Do you want to be in a functional role (e.g., compliance) vs a business role (e.g., commercial counsel)?

  26. Cb

    Query re Hello Fresh. Kiddo and I can’t have dairy, husband is vegetarian and 12 months into this pandemic, I am soooo sick of cooking. I was thinking about Hello Fresh as a bit of a reset, but unsure if it would work for us given the dietary requirements – am I just paying not to chop veggies? I am a very competent cook and the cooking times seem long? Like it doesn’t usually take me 30-45 minutes of active cooking time?

    • Anonymous

      Actually in hello fresh you do chop veggies I’d try it for a week! Why not? I use it every 5 or 6 weeks being careful to skip the others just to mix it up a bit

    • Walnut

      You’re still chopping allll your veggies with Hello Fresh. You’re basically paying to not have to grocery shop or think about what to make.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yup. Also we use both Hello Fresh and Blue Apron and find the Blue Apron cooking directions seem to be more straightforward and user-friendly. You might want to check them out, too.

        • NY CPA

          I do blue apron as well and am dairy-free. I skip any recipes where cheese is clearly a main element. However, a lot of their recipes have mascarpone or similar type cheeses. I just replace with an equal amount of Kite Hill dairy-free sour cream and it’s always been delicious. I also skip adding parm to things like pasta or chicken breading, if included, and it’s never been missed.

    • Anonymous

      There is definitely cooking involved, but I love the variety. Speaking as a vegetarian, I will say that a lot of the vegetarian meals contain dairy but you might be able to make do with no dairy – sometimes by making substitutions/omissions in the cooking – for example, skipping the cheese in tacos (or adding your own non-dairy cheese), using margarine instead of butter, etc. Look at the meal plan for the next few weeks and see if you could make do with it. I can also share a few free trial meals if you post a burner email.

    • Anon

      The cooking times aren’t that long if you have solid knife skills. I also keep a big jar of ginger-garlic paste in the fridge at all times, so skip those ingredients if they’re in the recipe. I’d rather do absolutely anything than peel and grate ginger.
      For me, the appeal is in having the ingredients I need in the amounts that I need.

    • Cat

      We’ve tried a few of the meal kits and decided they aren’t worth it to us. We have no problem grocery shopping, purchasing appropriate quantities of food for the week, or finding recipes we are interested in trying.

      We prefer to cook in bulk (so getting 4-5 meals out of 1 meal’s worth of cooking effort) and minimize prep time (the chopping veggies etc).

      So – the meal kits are designed to solve a problem that we’re not facing. If you want to refresh your recipe repertoire go for it but it likely won’t save you much time.

    • Anonymous

      I found that too many of the Hello Fresh recipes asked for butter or used sour cream. Honestly I would just browse the Hello Fresh / Blue Apron websites to get an idea of the recipes and source your own ingredients.

    • Anon

      Agree with others. If you’re sick of all your usual things and want to try a few new things, then give it a shot for a while. But it’s not going to save you cooking time, just planning and cooking time.

      I feel you, thought, I’m also an accomplished cook and it used to be a thing I loved doing, but I am sick of my own self by now!

    • CountC

      I’ve been using Purple Carrot (vegan) which should meet all of your needs. I’ve been fairly happy with the options and with a bit of extra spices, things are quite tasty. FWIW, all meal prep boxes like this are underseasoned for me if I follow the given recipes so . . .

    • Lydia

      dunno if you have Purple Carrot available where you are, but if so, I’d highly recommend it (I am a dairy free pescatarian fwiw). The meals are vegan but much better than the vegetarian options other meal kits, including Hello Fresh, offer. We recently got a week of Hello Fresh (leftover free credits from before we switched to Purple Carrot), and the meals really rely pretty heavily on dairy and are pretty bad without it.

  27. Anon

    How do you explain leaving a job when the true reason would be oversharing about private company intel?

    I got an MS in compsci, and was then promised a leadership role for a new initiative that would morph the company into a more competitive, higher-tech version of itself.

    After 3 years of struggle with R&D, it’s clear to me that this cultural shift is not happening, due to lack of skill in the departments needed to build the ground work.

    I need an explanation for why I stayed so long and let my skills stagnate, instead of moving on (a big deal in tech). I can’t say “because my company failed at X” because even knowing they were trying to do X would be major insider info.

    • No Face

      Talk about the job you want instead of the job you are leaving. If the interviewer specifically asks about why you stayed at your old place, talk about how engaged you were in whatever you were doing. (I was very involved in developing blah blah blah so I stayed until blah blah, but now I’m ready to blah blah blah).

    • Elle

      I think you could say, “I stayed around because they promised me a leadership role in an exciting project, but the project never actually came to be” you don’t have to get into the details of what the big project was going to be.

  28. Anonymous

    Is it just me or does it feel like nutrition advice is ALL over the place? How do you know what works, how much protein/fat/carbs/calories to eat? Trying to lose weight and not seeing success with WW.

    • Anonymous

      It is. Because everyone wants a magic bullet, when in reality, it’s a simple equation – eat fewer calories than you burn.

    • Anonymous

      I have been doing weight watchers for over a year and have been losing weight very slowly (but I also didn’t start off at the baseline of some members/already ate healthy/didn’t seem to have the same soda/cookie/binge issues that many people seem to), and I have found that for me and people like me, you have to take the WW methods with a grain of salt, and I don’t follow the points slavishly. Like, zero point foods don’t have zero calories, and if I’m trying to lose weight with a calorie deficit, I have to be very careful with my zero calorie foods because frankly, I *like* the things with zero points and I will overeat.

      I find that by eating point-dense but ultimately lower-calorie meals, I lose weight more consistently and faster than if I try to stay within my points by eating zero or low-point foods. For example, I might eat 250 calories of peanut butter M&Ms, which is half my points for the day but only 250 calories.
      I don’t then try to “balance” by eating an additional 2000 calories of low/zero point foods just because I can and still stay in my points allowance. You might find that helps? I have been trying to eat between 1500-1750 calories per day and exercise at least 30-45 minutes 3-5 times per week. Even doing that, I’m still losing maybe 0.5/1 lb per week, which feels very slow.

      Frankly, I do find it frustrating to see people on WW losing 4-5 lbs/week when they start, but I recognize that a big part of it is where we start and where we hope to end up.

    • Anon

      See an actual doctor. Know your A1C at a minimum. Calorie restriction can be counterproductive and isn’t as evidence based as 1:15 Anonymous is making it sound.

        • Anon

          Look, everyone knows how to starve. That’s easy.

          But most of us want to be healthier and feel better when we lose weight. Not eff our metabolisms and feel like complete garbage all the time. While I lose weight, I need to be able to focus enough to do my work, continue to exercise (without blacking out!), and sleep through the night, for example. With the help of an actual doctor, I’ve been able to increase calorie intake and lose weight

          If you really think that A1Cs are bullshit, I hope you’ll talk to a doctor about that.

    • Anon

      Weight loss is fundamentally simple: eat fewer calories than you burn. The reason for all the different advice is that different diets work differently for different people to get them to actually do that, based on how satisfied they feel when not eating enough calories. For some people, that means they need to eat more fiber, others need more fat, etc. It’s hard to trick your body into eating less than they need when there’s food everywhere, so a successful diet will be based on whatever allows you to do that. On top of that, there’s general health advice about eating more fruits and veggies, which will be good for pretty much everyone in the long term, but may or may not be the best way to lose weight on a short term diet.

      I personally lost a lot of weight twice when taking medications for other medical conditions, but once the extra weight was gone I maintained that weight for a long time without the medication (I gained weight in between when I took a different drug that led to weight gain and had some health issues preventing exercise). For me it seems pretty clear that these chemical triggers made me happy eating less, but it didn’t really matter what it was I ate, just that I wasn’t that interested in eating.

    • Anan

      Mark Bittman and David Katz published a really interesting book on this last year called How To Eat. (I think it’s actually based on a NYT column they used to write) I felt the book really helped break down the problematic nature of nutritional research, especially within the context of the average American diet. It’s a pretty quick read, and I found it really actionable and succinct.

    • Anonymous

      people want fast results but that means unsustainable changes. Sustainable weight loss means making changes that you can live with for the rest of your life and slow weight loss. 1lb a week is not slow, that’s a sensibility pace. People just want to do 30 day fix type diets, lose 15 lbs and go back to how they ate before. They don’t want to hear that taking off 15lbs sensibly and keeping it off will likely take at least 12-16 weeks.

  29. Liposuction

    I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life; I’m almost 41, and am tired of feeling like this. I’d particularly like to focus on the pooch below my belly button and my inner thighs. I’d like to hear about good and bad experiences, advice, and anything you wish you had known before doing it.

    • Anonymous

      I lost weight in my mid-forties by being very conscious about food choices and portions. I generally limited starches and sugars (but nothing was totally verboten) and stopped eating when I was full. My inner thighs are much better as a result of losing fat, but even more so as a result of strength training. I still have a pooch, though it is smaller, and I am trying to start another loss period after a plateau of about a year.

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