This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Monday! What an interesting layered look — the white top is part of the cardigan. It has functional buttons, and the white buckle that “gently defines the waist” is a functioning buckle. I do wish for the price it were something other than cotton and Lycra, but that does mean it's machine washable. I think it's a very easy but stylish piece, and it's $298.90 (temporarily down from $495, as it is part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale). Inset Rib Jersey Cardigan
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
BB
Has anyone else noticed sizes getting inflated in just the last 1-2 years? For over a decade, I was a straight 12/L in pretty much every brand. Now I’m down to a 10 in Brooks Brothers and I was at AT over the weekend and find I’m now a M. All my 12/L clothes still fit perfectly too, and I know I haven’t lost any weight.
Anonymous
Size ranges differ at almost every store. Some brands / lines are getting smaller (usually more expensive clothing). Others are getting larger. you have to go by how the clothing fits your body, not by the number on the label.
I, for one, am grateful for the variations in sizing. It means that very very small people can find clothing to wear, and that I — a tall, 16/18 can also find clothing to wear. In the world you describe, where “L” topped out as a small size 12, it was very difficult for me to find clothing.
busybee
It’s been going on for years and it’s infuriating. I’m a very very small person who has been sized out of every mainstream clothing brand in the US. A 00 is more like a 2/4, and that just doesn’t work for me.
MM Lafleur has things in my size, but they’re too pricey for what I can spend typically. Shopping is very frustrating, and I have to add the price of alterations to everything I buy.
Anon
Me too! I’m a petite 00 and pants just fall off of me. It’s fine if you don’t make clothes my size, but don’t give the false impression that you do.
Anonymous
Same boat. I used to buy a size 0 at BR 10 years ago, now their clothes are just too big. I had a baby in there – it’s not like I got smaller. I’m sized out of many many stores now.
BigLaw Sr Assoc
Same here. I have a Banana Republic skirt from about 20 years ago. It is a size 6. I weigh exactly the same now, but now I am swimming in a size 0. (A size 00 would fit in theory, but they seem to only carry 00 petites and I am not petite.) This is common at many mainstream stores. The only retailers that have stuff that fits me are higher end ones like Theory, Boss, and designers. That is annoying. And with a 36″ inseam without heels, I have also entirely given up on pants.
lawsuited
I think sizes have been getting inflated over the last 60 years. The takeaway should be that everyone needs to fret less about the number written in their clothes.
Anonymous
+1. Have you ever looked at the measurement/sizes on sewing patterns. Those haven’t changed in decades and size 12 me is more like a size 14/18 (depending on top vs bottom).
It’s just a number to make trying on/making clothes easier.
BB
Good point! I’m a 16 on patterns with some adjustments. I’m all for brands increasing the size ranges. I just wish it was “add more numbers” vs. “change what the current numbers mean” because I generally like to order things online on sale, and suddenly things don’t fit anymore.
Shopping stinks
Including retailers that want to only stock between sizes 2-12, or between 4-14. Just go from negative 22 to google infinity, please!
Anonymous
I think vanity sizing is a thing, but I’ve also noticed that a lot of those brands are moving away from very tailored pieces that can fit a smaller range of body types per size. Stretchy or less tailored pieces are going to fit way more people. I kind of like it because my clothes are more forgiving of weight/hormonal fluctuations. I so don’t miss squishing my b o o b s into my wool sheath dress a couple days a month.
anon
This. Vanity sizing and the style lately has been oversized, flowy, boxy/unfitted. I am extremely petite and I look ridiculous in most of the stuff that’s on sale now. A silk shirt that isn’t fitted and that comes down past my butt at a size XS or 00 just looks dumb and sloppy on me, no matter how nice the fabric. If it was fitted it would probably look nice.
Anonymous
When I started working 25 years ago my first suit was a size 8 from Macys Charter Club. I saved it and it still fits perfectly however I am now a size 2 in Macy’s, and everywhere else. So ridiculous. What good does it do for the person who is still thrilled they are an 8? They are still probably 20 pounds heavier and can’t look the same. What is the point?
Anon
It is one of the reasons I don’t shop at Ann Taylor anymore. Returning things bought online us a hassle, and it is just easier to shop elsewhere.
PolyD
Did you try to mail the online things back or return in the store? I ask because I do A LOT of catch-and-release online shopping, and I’ve always had a totally simple, easy experience at Ann Taylor and Loft. But I always return within the return period and I use a credit card, so maybe that’s it.
I just want to know if there are new difficulties to watch out for. I returned a bunch of AT stuff I bought online last month, and it was very easy and fast.
Anon
The nearest AT is about 30 miles away.
Anonymous
I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t notice this. I’ve been the same weight since graduating college 15 years ago (minus pregnancy/postpartum) and my size has not changed in most of the brands I regularly wear. Maybe I’ve gotten wider despite weighing the same? I don’t know.
Anonymous
I’ve definitely gained weight in the last 15, but I’ve been mostly the same size (12). So, I’m guessing my size has grown with me in the places I shop.
Ellen
This is true? I was Always a size 2, but now I have the opposite problem. I can NOT fit into size 2 any more, but must wear size 4. Dad says it is b/c I have a sedentery job, meaning I sit all day. I do sit all day, and my tuchus has gotten bigger. Mom says I should ask the manageing partner for a STANDING Desk. But I do NOT want to stand all day either. Rosa has a treadmill desk at home, but she does NOT need to use it b/c she rarely uses a desk, so she is going to give it to me when I move to a new apartement. For now, my second bedroom is full and can NOT accomodate another desk. As of now, Dad is getting his deposit back on the west side apartement, and he has asked ME to look for another 3 bedroom apartement on the upper East Side! Thank goodness, b/c I did NOT see myself as an upper West Sider, b/c so many women there are Birkenstock women who do NOT even shave their underarms! FOOEY!
maxine
In Australia it’s the opposite. I am 5’10″and <9st. My most usual size is 14, sometimes a 12 if it isn't fitted. They say most of our population is over size 16, but most fashion houses don't even bother. When I'm in America I easily fit into an 8-10. And when I buy from UK it's different again.
It all makes on line too hard from here.
Looking for a Vacation Spot for November
I’m turning the big 4-0 in November. My hubby and I are planning on going away for 4 nights with another couple to celebrate. I would like someplace warm and relaxing. I would prefer an adults only all inclusive and was considering the southern Caribbean or Belize. I have kids and I love them, but we aren’t bringing them and I don’t want to vacation with other people’s kids. Also, it can’t be too difficult to get to since we have a limited time for the trip. I can’t do those amazing top dollar luxury resorts, but 500-700/night is fine and I’d prefer more of a boutique-type place then a mega-hotel. We have already been to Jamaica, St. Lucia and Curacao. Any suggestions for a fabulous place to relax, get some sun, and eat good food? Thanks!
Anonymous
All inclusive + good food is a tough combo. There are AIs that have pretty decent food, but if you’re used to fine dining in a major American city like NY/SF/Chicago, you’re not going to find an AI with food that is on that level. For destinations, I love Cancun, Turks and Caicos, Antigua and the Bahamas. Beautiful beaches, and you should be able to find adults only resorts in all of them.
Anonymous
Gansevoort in Provo, Turks & Caicos
Anonymous
I had a good experience at Amelia Caribe in Punta Cana like 5 years ago. The food was pretty good, lots of options. I did the adults only part of the resort, which is a little more expensive but definitely worth it. Should be well within your price range (like $200/night when I was there) though idk their prices now.
Anonymous
Sorry that’s Melia not Amelia.
Pompom
Been there and enjoyed it (going back in November).
Also recommend the Excellence brand…not sure how they fit in your budget, but the food is rumored to be the best among the AIs, and friends of ours have been to a few of them and loved them as kid-free vacays.
Cat
For Belize – Victoria House. Beautifully kept property and the restaurant is quite good. It’s not “adults only” but it doesn’t really cater to kids; I think we only saw one family (as opposed to couples).
Fishie
Depending on where you are traveling from, it’s going to be tough to get to a lot of spots in the Caribbean for only 4 days, as many places only have direct/ample flights on Saturdays. What about somewhere in Mexico? I’d do somewhere on the west coast just in case of hurricane issues, but I suppose these days no place is safe from hurricanes.
Anonymous
Which of Jamaica, St. Lucia and Curacao did you like best? Did you dislike any of them? That can help people give you better recommendations.
Never too many shoes...
The Karisma resorts in Mexica have adult only options and have really good food.
Anonymous
Excellence Playa Mujeres in Cancun is the only all-inclusive I’ve been to and loved. It’s adults-only, has 9 different restaurants on site that are actually good, amazing service, and pristine pools/beach/rooms.
New to NoVA
+1 Honeymooned at Excellence Playa Mujeres, and it was absolutely fantastic.
Anonymous
I thought Live Aqua Cancun had really good food, and I tend to think I’m a bit of a snob about that stuff (I find cruise food edible but not good). It’s adults only and a beautiful resort. DH and I went there a couple years ago pre-baby and I think our first vacation without our baby is going to be a return trip there. It should be in your price range. We went in July but it was around $500 a night, so I can’t imagine it’s more than $700 in November.
Beans
Harbour Island in the Bahamas. Look at the Dunmore, Coral Sands or the Rock House. There’s also a great hotel on Eleuthera called The Cove.
Brit
I highly recommend the Hotel Mousai in Puerto Vallarta. All rooms have a private Jacuzzi tub on the ocean-facing balcony. I spent a week at this adults-only hotel in May, eating my weight in soft shell crab and very good/well-presented Mexican food. You don’t have to go all-inclusive but I did and my vacation was around $3500 for 9 nights. Adding a person would not have cost much more.
Anonymous
If you are foodies, the Inn at Little Washington is a nice little getaway near DC. You might want to save that card for an anniversary, as it can be quite romantic.
Anonymous
Hamanasi resort in Belize is incredible. Fabulous, all-inclusive with great food, exciting or mellow adventures based on your interests (scuba, snorkeling, kayaaking, hiking), or you can lounge by the pool or on the hammocks on the beach. We went for our honeymoon and I’m dying to go back.
Upcoming Denver-ite
Good morning ladies! I just found out Friday I got a much worked for promotion, and I’ll be moving to Colorado in the next few months. I would love any advice from Denver area people here. I’m 35, single, and currently pay $1700 for my two bedroom condo in CT. I like to have greenery around me where I live – for example I could live near a park in Brooklyn not in a serious downtown without trees, etc. I’ll have a car but would like to be close to public trans – how is it in Denver? What are the areas to be in? Best areas to live? Should I just save some money and live in an inner suburb? I’ll be traveling a lot, so I tend towards a corporate apartment, but have savings and could look at buying after the holiday season….. I’ve never lived closer than a ten minute Uber from a city, but I do like being close….
Any advice you have p, even just must see places, things to do, etc, is greatly appreciated!!l!
Anonymous
I’ll leave it to others to comment on specifics, but wow…are you in for a culture shift!!
Upcoming Denver-ite
I am, and I’m looking forward to it!
K
A good friend from college lives in Boulder right now. She LOVES it, lots of young people, lots of climbing and hiking. I’m sure you’ll have a great time!
Anonymous
I was just in Denver visiting friends. I don’t know much about the city, but I noticed that while there were public transit options, it seemed like most people had cars. Biking also seemed popular (along with all outdoor activities generally).
Current Denverite
What part of town will you be working in and what type of neighborhood do you want?
Upcoming Denver-ite
I’ll be working out of Lone Treeabout twice a week. I like to have easy access to my place – ie, driveway or parking lot, I like to go out to eat or have a drink with friends a few times a week. And I’d like to not be 100% surrounded by college kids or elementary school families, but near them is okay. I like at lease to have tree lined roads, so I usually end up in a suburb, but am thinking of living closer in to the downtown area. I usually get groceries delivered but a relatively close grocery store is a plus.
I’m not sure if I’m describing this well at all…
MJ
Most of Denver is tree-lined. Really. You don’t need to go to a suburb for that. I really recommend you contact a realtor and go for a quick trip to get a sense of neighborhoods.
MJ
I’ll post more later. Denver is mostly a car city. Parking is absurdly cheap downtown–like $10 a day. So if you have a car, you drive. There is light rail, but it’s very limited. There’s a ton of great neighborhoods in Denver proper that have a lot of greenery–you do not need to move to an inner suburb for that at all. You will need a good 4WD/AWD car and you should expect to drive. Boulder is great but is about 45-hr commute from downtown Denver. People certainly do the commute, but it’s not necessary. Also, Boulder is quite a bit further from the airport, even using the toll ring road.
Like I said, will write more later, but you’re in for a treat. Denver is awesome!
Anon
Thank you for posting this– I’m 32, single, and work in a remote role and have been strongly considering a relo to Denver or Boulder!
Anonymous
Check out the Highlands neighborhood just NW of downtown. Or Cheeseman Park or City Park.
Katie
IF you are really interested in downtown, check out the Confluence Park area of LoDo (Lower Downtown). Or if you want to live closer to Lone Tree (commuting on I-25 can be slow), consider the Wash Park area or even near Cherry Creek (the mall).
Things to do: concerts at Red Rocks and the Botanic Gardens. Hiking at JeffCo Open Space Parks. Fall weekends in the mountains when the aspens turn color. Winter sports like downhill or cross-country skiing or snow-showing. Cycling. Brew pubs. You will love Denver!
ArenKay
Depending on where you are working in Lone Tree, light rail commuting could be a good option for you. In which case I’d second the recommendations for Confluence, Wash Park or Cheesman–pretty, green space nearby and pretty close to light rail. Don’t think about Boulder; you’d need a car and you’d live in it for the Lone Tree days.
anon
We stayed in the LoDo/Union Station area of Denver during a recent trip and it was convenient to everything. There was a Whole Foods on one corner and a traditional grocery store on the other corner, and a drugstore around the corner. So many restaurants and bars within walking distance. We walked almost everywhere but lots of people were riding bikes. Downtown seemed easy to maneuver by car too. We thought it was a fantastic city!
Anonymous
Hooray! We are there often as we fly in to Denver, have fun in Denver, and then visit family in Colorado Springs. There is plenty of biking in CO, so have your bike checked out, and ride a few hilly routes to get your riding legs in gear if this is in your wheelhouse. Actually, check out all of your outdoor equipment before you move.
Denver Airport is due east of the city, so look on the East side for communities that are convenient without being too close. There are some ferocious winds (gusts) so you do want to be in a neighborhood, not a lone, new structure on the prairie. Having all wheel drive in a car is helpful – I have had it in Subarus and Hondas, and there are plenty of them on the street. While we use cars as visitors, cities are building more infrastructure, and you might want to be a mile or a bike ride from some additional planned rail transport into Denver. This has played out well for my brother in a Dallas suburb, and Denver is crunchy enough that there might be infrastructure in the pipeline.
Upcoming Denver-ite
Thank you all so much, this is a great start! I’ll definitely be visiting before signing a lease but want to get my bearings on what neighborhoods I can check out first virtually and get an eye on my budget. Appreciate all the insight so far!
Anonymous
How soon is too soon to hook up with a new guy? Do you think there’s anything to the belief that men lose interest in women who put out too soon? I know this is really individual but hindsight is 50/50… if I knew him well enough to be certain he’d still be dating me in a few weeks then I wouldn’t have this question!
anon
omg stop
Glad that Ellen learned to spell but come on.
Anonymous
+10000000000
Anon
If he doesn’t have time to actually get to know you, then yeah, what’s going to bring him back?
Anonymous
It’s too soon if you don’t want to do it. Otherwise, there are no rules.
Anonymous
To the extent this is a real question, I am married to the guy (for 13 years now) who I drunkenly took home after our first date nearly 18 years ago. He still seems pretty interested ;)
January
Assume that he won’t still be dating you in a few weeks and decide what you would like to do based on how you feel about that possibility.
Anon
Do not confuse correlation and causation. Many men who would be interested in gardening after the first date just aren’t going to be interested in a relationship. If you wait to garden until you’ve gotten to see what he’s interested in, you weed out the ones who don’t want a relationship. If you garden “early,” whatever that is, you’ll be with men who are all over the map on what they are looking for.
It’s an imperfect sorting mechanism, not anything that changes men’s minds.
Torin
If he’ll lose interest after you put out he’s not worth your time. Find out sooner than later by putting out!
Rainbow Hair
Hurrah!
Do it when you (both) want to! Have fun! If a man judges a woman for doing the exact same thing he’s doing, uh… that speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
RAICES
So what happened with RAICES? I donated based on comments here but then I heard they are giving all the money (millions of $) to DHS? what’s going on? I feel so bad for the kids I can barely follow the story.
Anonymous
I think the money was always intended to be used to post bonds for separated parents/kids, so it’s not surprising that they’re giving it to the govt.
Seattle Freeze
This Slate interview with a RAICES staffer was pretty helpful in explaining, I thought: https://slate.com/business/2018/07/immigration-nonprofit-raices-took-in-usd20-million-from-a-facebook-donation-drive-what-now.html
RAICES
many thanks!
lsw
Thank you for posting this!
Cc
Hi Kat, I’d recommend “why I’m no longer talking to white people about race” “why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria” and the podcast “seeing white”
Anonymous
Our book group just read The Hate U Give which puts a lot of the details in a narrative context
BigLaw Sr Assoc (of Color)
https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a22565907/why-are-white-women-so-terrified-of-being-called-racist/
Anonymous
Labor Day recommendations in Maine? My friend wants to go to a beach we’ve never been to and neither of us has been to Maine. Frankly I’m all about the food aka lobster, the beach can pound sand as far as I’m concerned (pun definitely intended). I will need to be covered at all times while she’s sunbathing, so preferably a beach with cabanas or someone else to put up an umbrella for me. And before anyone says a beach trip sounds like a terrible idea… I love my friend and she really wants this so tolerating a beach for a few days is a sacrifice so small that it’s not even right to call it a sacrifice; I just need to protect my translucent skin. Cost not an issue. Thanks!
Anon
Novare Res for food and beer in Portland. Forgot the name of the nice wide beach there – Old Orchard?
Anonymous
I love love love Maine but the beaches there are not really sunbathing beaches. They tend to be pretty rocky. Also, in September in Maine it’s often cool and rainy, not really beach-going weather. Has your friend been to New England beaches so she knows what she’s getting into? If you stay at a resort in the Portland area you might be able to find a beach with umbrellas, but there won’t be cabanas, and public beaches are very much bring-your-own-gear. Honestly, Maine is cool enough that you can probably just wear clothes and a hat at the beach to protect your skin. It’s not like Florida where you’d be sweating bullets in long sleeves.
OP
Thanks! I mentioned to her that I’ve heard beaches there are rocky, so we’d have to find a place with a pool if she wants to sun bathe. I’m not sure if she believes me (she’s only ever seen white sandy beaches) but she’s willing to stay some place with a pool. Any resort recs? Or things to do if it’s rainy?
Equestrian Attorney
My favorite is Popham Beach, about an hour north of Portland. I would use Portland as a home base (lots of fun shops and restaurants – I recommend Central Provisions) and spend a beach day in Popham. It’s huge and somewhat remote, but clean. with bathroom facilities, and there is a little restaurant where the beach meets the river (Spinneys) which has great lobster rolls and an outdoor patio with a lovely view. There are some restaurants on the main street in Bath, ME that are also quite nice – we liked Solo’s. I’ve done Labor Day and gone swimming, but expect chilly water so it really depends on how warm the weather is. It’s beautiful in a way that’s much more remote and wild than Florida beaches, but yeah don’t expect umbrellas or cabanas. You can bring your own umbrella and it probably won’t be that hot. I can’t think of any beaches in Maine that have umbrellas, but I don’t know the Southern Maine beaches that well – I went to OOB once and it really was not my thing but to each their own.
BB
Kittery has a pretty good burgeoning food scene with a small number of good, innovative restaurants and bakeries. If you want to gorge yourself on lobster, the Pool Street Market in Biddeford has amazing GIANT lobster rolls for cheap.
Katie
Yeah, I don’t think this is a place she is going to do much sunbathing. That said, Maine is fabulous! I really enjoy Ogunquit, about 45 min south of Portland – there’s a lobster pound just outside their charming downtown that is called Beach Plum Lobster Farm and it’s absolutely worth the stop if you’re driving through southern Maine. We also especially enjoyed Ogunquit’s Marginal Way, and they do have a nice sandy beach there, though it will probably be chilly.
Anon
Place recommendations that have been given are all fine but (1) there are sandy beaches (maybe not as fine a grain as some other places but clearly sand not rocks). Your friend will have ample places to sun herself along the shore; (2) it won’t be tropical hot but it could easily be 80s-90s and humid or in the 60s – probably both if you’re spending more than 24 hours. I’d anticipate either and both scenarios in your plans at this point.
Most of the beaches in the area (MA and NH too) are pretty basic with not a lot of on beach amenities – more like public parks than business districts. You’ll definitely want to plan to go off beach for restaurants. Lobster is great but I also recommend fried clam rolls for a good, traditional New England summer seafood meal (clam strip roll if you’re a beginner to clams).
HTX
My family has a summer home in the Wiscasset area, and we always like Reid State Park. This may be further north than you’d like though. If you make it to Wiscasset, Reds is the place where everyone goes for lobster rolls. I prefer just plain old lobster though and the place to go is Shaw’s in New Harbor. Also, if your friend is potentially interested in just getting some sun without the sand, I like lying on the rocks at Pemaquid Light House. Scenic and sunny.
Anon
My husband and I purchased an expensive natural latex mattress five years ago that comes in multiple layers. While moving over the weekend, we discovered that black mold had seeped through the bottom two layers. I have absolutely no idea how that happened because the mattress has never been exposed to moisture and there was no mold when we moved it to years ago. I have never even heard of a mattress getting mold. This explains some of the allergy type symptoms that we were experiencing in the bedroom without explanation (mold not visible unless you completely dismantled the mattress). Is this a thing that happens? Should I contact the manufacturer? It is already sitting at the dump but I took photos.
Anonymous
This is absolutely a common thing that happens, and has nothing to do with the manufacturer. Sorry, that’s a real bummer, but yes, that’s usually why I’ve had to replace mattresses.
Not sure how you think it’s never been exposed to moisture. Is your house humidity free? Do you never sweat?
Anon
Of course my house isn’t humidity free, but no house is and I’ve never heard of this problem happening to anyone ever (never happened to me before now). If I had known it was a possibility, I never would have spent the money on a mattress that cost four figures with a 10 year warranty.
Anon
If it’s five years old and has a ten year warranty, it seems clear you should contact the manufacturer. Why wouldn’t you, if it’s within the warranty?
Anonymous
Does the warranty not cover this?
Minerva
This is surprisingly common – I’ve had this happen to. It doesn’t hurt to contact the manufacturer, but with low expectations. In the future, you can put a sealed mattress cover on it (I’m fully sure of the precise name for this device). It basically zips all the way around the mattress to prevent mold, allergens, bed bugs, etc. This has worked well for me.
Torin
+1
I use this type of allergy cover to keep the mattress free of dust mites and mold because I’m violently allergic to both and I live in Houston where the question isn’t “is there mold” but rather “how much mold is there”. It completely encloses the mattress, not just the top. The top zips off to wash it. I got it at bed bath and beyond. Mine is a Sleep Safe but there are other brands.
Memory foam mattresses are much cheaper these days so replacing it shouldn’t cost four figures.
Anon
Is there a way to check a mattress for mold without ripping it apart? I have an online mattress (think Leesa, Tuft and Needle mattress) and recently began suffering terrible allergies.
C2
You definitely need to contact the manufacturer – or at least go read through the warranty information pertaining to mold.
Anon
I’m going to have to check if the warranty has any exclusions. It did have a protective mattress cover on k, which makes it all the more annoying.
To the poster who got an online mattress, which one is giving you terrible allergies? We were considering Tuct and Needle for a replacement…
Ranon
I have a tuft and needle and have been happy with it. Got a king sized mattress two years ago.
In-house counsel cover letter
Question on cover letter for an in-house position as an assistant GC. The position does not specify who the hiring director is, but it is public knowledge who the GC is. Should I address the cover letter to the GC or use To Whom It May Concern?
Anon
Never use “to whom it may concern.” Use either the GC or “hiring manager.”
Pompom
+10000
It’s like getting mail addressed to “the residents in apartment 809″…junk mail.
Anonymous
Why is “hiring manager” better than “to whom it may concern”?
Anon
Because the latter makes you sound dated and stilted.
Anonymous
Get on LinkedIn and take your best guess. Use a name. I toss anything where it looks like an applicant hasn’t managed to do basic research.
Anonymous
Ugh – this seems like game playing. If you want the cover letter addressed to a specific person, name them in the job posting. Otherwise a generic Hiring Manager is fine- especially since 3-4 people could end up reading the cover letter.
I don’t see this a basic research, unless the company/business is really really small, or has a good web presence. How am I supposed to tell from the outside who is in charge of hiring when that varies so much from company to company.
Anonymous
Ask A Manager recommnds “Dear Hiring Manager”. I usually just do “Greetings” with no person specified, since it’s typically going through an anonymous portal and I have no clue who is looking at it on the other end.
Maintaining multiple states bar admissions?
To all the lawyers here, how long have you maintained your bar admission to a state you no longer practice in? I am admitted to DC, NJ, and NY, but I practice in NY primarily. I am interested in lateraling to a firm in CA/TX and am worried that it will look bad to be admitted to multiple states on my resume. Not to mention that it adds up to be paying large annual dues for the DC and NJ bar when I may never practice there again and can always try to admitted again if I ever move back.
BabyAssociate
Why would it possibly look bad to be admitted to multiple states? If you’re not practicing in all these states, then just go inactive if you don’t want to be paying dues for that many jurisdictions.
I’m admitted in two jurisdictions. Right now I’m active in both because my firm will pay dues for them both, but I’ll probably go inactive in one (GA) because I no longer practice there and don’t want the hassle of doing all the CLE.
DCR
If you can go inactive, I would. Or if it is easy to be readmitted, like DC, I would stop. But for states that are hard to waive in to and don’t have an inactive status, I would maintain it. It is personal preference and a cost-benefit analysis of weighing the costs against the burden of retaking the bar for that state. But I’ve never heard someone complain that an attorney was admitted to too many bars.
For what it’s worth, if I was you, I would let the DC go because it is so easy to waive in and I would keep NY after your move since it is hard to waive in and they don’t have inactive status (at least the last time I looked in to the NY bar). I don’t know enough about NJ to have an opinion.
Anonymoose
I have inactive status for the NY bar. It is not fee free and there still are reporting requirements (easily satisfied by doing the CLE in my state of primary practice), but it is not a big hassle and I like having the option of being able to transition there down the road if I want to.
DCR
Can you tell me more about how you have inactive status for the NY bar? I wanted to do that, but the attorney registration website says that NY doesn’t have inactive status. How does it vary from active status?
Anonymoose
The technical classification for my status is “not practicing law in New York”. I do not live in New York or office there and I do not advise clients there except for occasional (maybe every few years) appearances on a pro hac for a client where I am that has a matter in a New York federal court. There’s a whole section on this at nycourts dot gov under the CLE page that is pretty helpful.
Note that if you are inactive and have to reactivate to practice there out of cycle (meaning not at the start of a CLE reporting cycle), then you may have a bunch of CLE to do to be in compliance with the requirements (depends on timing and other things set out on the page referenced above). This was only a small disincentive to me to change my status because I figure I am ten to fifteen years away from being back in New York regularly and can plan ahead, but YMMV.
Anon
it doesn’t exist. NJ nor NY have inactive status.
If you want to not pay the money you can just stop in NJ – don’t pay, don’t do CLE and you’ll be Administratively Ineligible to practice.
it doesn’t hurt any of your other good standings – I’ve called and spoken to NJ and NY bar staff.
Anonymous
Anonymoose,
But that is not an inactive status, and you still have to pay the same amount for every renewal period
Anonymoose
True on the payment, but I do not have to comply with the CLE for New York (just my home state), which saves me a pile because I can get my local CLE more or less for free.
OP
Thanks, letting the DC one go makes sense. I actually had one partner raise an eyebrow when he questioned me about having been admitted to three jurisdictions the last time I was interviewing in NY. He seemed to think that it signaled I was not serious about being in NY for the rest of my career. Tbh, I thought he was not a nice person to work for anyway, but the point is that to a certain kind of hiring partner, it raises a red flag.
BabyAssociate
Just keep in mind that while it is easy to waive into DC, it takes a while these days (~10 months).
anon
I am in California, and I would not blink an eye at seeing this on someone’s resume.
two month slim down ideas
Have an event in two months that I need to slim down for – in my mid-thirties so this is getting tougher. Is this an Intermittent Fasting moment? Any good workouts you all would recommend picking up?
Yes, super superficial and silly, but this community is always a fount of information and experience!
Anonymous
I would accept my body is it is, and not go on a crash diet
Anonymous
+1
Or if this is for a reunion that you feel you need to pretend you are something you aren’t…. maybe don’t go? Works for me….
Otherwise, start cutting out the bad snacks (don’t buy them), keep healthier snacks around, cut down on alcohol, get outside for a walk every day, and start substituting a second more filling vegetable for your dinnertime carb instead of potato/rice/bread/whatever (except sweet potato is ok). Just eat healthier. No kooky new diets.
Linda from HR
+1
It’s always great to improve your diet and find a physical activity that’s fun as well as fat-burning, but forcing weight loss for an event in the near future isn’t a great idea. Find an outfit that fits and makes you look and feel amazing.
Rainbow Hair
Yes, buy a dress (or whatever) that makes you feel like a hottie, send your supportive besties selfies so they can remind you that you’re gorgeous, and mentally flick off anyone who makes you feel less-than. <3
Anonymous
Honestly, I would just splurge on good shape wear and watch for foods that cause bloating the week before the event.
IHHtown
As long as you have a very realistic view of what you can lose in two months, weight lifting, Calories In/Calories Out tracking, and IF all used together will definitely do the trick. Keep in mind that IF only works if your caloric intake is still lower than you expend – IF just makes it easier to keep those calories in check and promotes your body to burn energy during the fasting times. Weight lifting will probably help the most as it directly affects your shape. Even at the same weight, your clothes will fit and hang better with lifting.
Anonymous
Slimfast works like a charm for me.
Anonymous
Also mid-thirties, and Weight Watchers makes a huge difference for me. Primarily because my body packs on the pounds if I get within 3 feet of packaged foods, all the fresh foods WW makes you eat helps the weight come off me pretty quickly. I just do the tracking online/on my phone – easy. In two months, you could definitely lose 10 lbs, maybe more.
Anonymous
This. plus using the receipe thing to input your receipes so you can tweak them to be lower points.
Anonymous
Seconding WW – if you want to get in a good groove. Otherwise there is plenty of good advice on making do above.
Torin
Strength training (fitness blender is good for this) + cut alcohol and other excess carbs, without adding the calories back through something else. But also, be realistic. You might lose a few pounds, you might not. I don’t know what your goal is or what your starting point is. Those both affect how much weight you can lose in two months. But two months isn’t really that much time to lose weight in a healthy, sustainable way.
Anonymous
This would work: https://www.amazon.com/Presto-Pounds-Disappear-Other-Magical-ebook/dp/B01CD8J2PU
Katie
There’s no magic pill. You already know that. I’m hitting the same point in my mid-thirties where it’s harder to shift weight, and looking to elope in a few months, so I feel your pain. Weight Watchers (I like iTrackBites which is a free WW knock-off app), lots of salads, cutting out alcohol, and cutting way back on carbs is really the trick. Upping your exercise if you can. But overall, be realistic and patient with yourself, and invest in some good shapewear.
Anon
It’s not exactly true that there’s no magic pill. I’ve taken two different medications that have caused significant weight loss with no effort. I wasn’t taking any of these drugs to lose weight, but one of them is actually sold for weight loss. I’m not sure I’d recommend it for that purpose (side effects!), but such things do exist.
Anonymous
Yeah, sure, you can take amphetamines and they will kill your appetite and you will lose weight.
No Problem
Cutting out sugar and increasing protein has been the only thing that has ever led to me losing weight (also mid thirties). Cut out or significantly reduce processed foods and stick to fruit, vegetables, nuts, eggs, meat, fish/seafood, some whole grains (think oatmeal, not whole grain bread), and some dairy. Check out Whole 30 or paleo blogs for recipes. If you eat out, you’ll be limited in your menu selections. You will be hungry, but it works. Don’t give up if you fall off the wagon. Just eat the muffin/chocolate cake/french toast/pasta and get back to it the next day.
Anonymous
CICO, weight loss is just physics. If IF makes that easier for you, then go for it.
NOLA
I probably have more to lose than you do, but I’ve had a lot of success with Myfitnesspal (both online and the app). Whole30 is another way to essentially reset your diet and lose some weight. I know people who’ve done it fully and those who’ve done it but still drink wine (but still lost weight).
HTX
I was reluctant due to the cheesy commercials and fact that the food is not fresh and a bit gross, but I bit the bullet and did Nutrisystem with great success. You can get a 5 day trial pack and try it out. It’s not for everyone (I’m very aware that this is not the demographic that’s into this type of thing) and I was judged by all my friends, but I did lose 20 lbs in 2 months. Went from 150-130.
Anon
I had a minor oral surgery that required eating only liquid food for a week. So I stocked my fridge with pre-made soups from Whole Foods, apple sauce, juices, yogurt, and eggs. At the end of that week, I lost a whopping 2.5lbs. I then took a minor break by eating a piece of pizza and a bowl of noodles, but went back to the mostly soup diet for another week and was able to lose about 5lbs in two weeks.
Previously, when preparing to lose weight as the bridesmaid of a wedding, I splurged on a personal trainer with the goal of losing weight about a few months in advance of the wedding. Unfortunately, I did not end up losing weight (mostly because that trainer wasn’t good and focused on toning me via weight machines and etc). But I did look toned, if not skinny, for the wedding.
Baconpancakes
A retiring director at my organization has invited all the ladies in the office to join her at a Painting and Sipping class. ONLY the ladies. It’s not a work related event, but this is weird, right?
January
Not necessarily. It sounds like something she wants to do, and maybe she wants to strike up friendships with some of the women in your office.
Anonymous
Like Lifetime TV, it’s just not my thing. But it is so done.
Still waiting for someone to ask me to a make-comments-while-watching-Oscars-arrivals-outfits event. Or a highlights reel of soccer flailing shots.
I guess the male version is the golf outing?
[Also, my experience with sip-and-paint things is that you all have to paint the same thing in the same way. It is in no way a creative exercise and not good for creatively-minded alphas.]
Anon
Yes, these are more of a paint-by-numbers thing. Fun but not creative, if that matters. I think this is no different than the stereotypical male golf outing. I love when offices have unofficial events like this for women… same feeling I get when I run into another lawyer at the manicure place and talk shop, and she offers to send me a referral, etc., like there are finally enough of us to network at our own activities instead of pretending to like golf in order to network. I hope you’ll go to the event!
Scarlett
This made me laugh: http://reductress.com/post/wine-and-paint-night-becomes-stressful-when-artist-friend-tags-along/
Anonymous
Def wanna hang w/ you.
Anon
A bit weird, but I think ultimately harmless since she’s retiring and its social. There is no way for this social outing to really affect future promotional and project decisions. I’d just go and have fun.
Lana Del Raygun
I think it’s very weird but mitigated by the fact that she’s retiring, so there’s less chance of (perception of) gender-based favoritism affecting future work stuff.
Anon
I think it’s very weird, but would also ask you guys to think of the opposite. If a retiring (male) director invited ONLY the guys to a golf outing, would that be okay? I think the resounding answer would be no.
I think it’s fine to do a golf outing and invite everyone knowing far more men will want to go and go than women, and vice-versa for a sip-and-paint. But they should still be invited.
NM
There have been threads in the past few months on donations to charity, how much people give, etc. I’m feeling very inadequate about whether I do enough (the answer is “no”, I don’t do enough!), and have set up new line items in our household budget for monthly donations.
Yet I still feel a bit helpless in the face of all the world problems, like hunger. Can any of you fine ladies tell me, honestly–does $100 here and there make a difference? It feels so small, but does that amount actually HELP, in the grand scheme of things? I know that depending on the charity, a certain amount of money will go further or fall shorter depending on how things are set up, but I just wish I knew if it counted for something, or if it’s still just not enough. Sigh.
Anonymous
Yes, small gifts make a difference, certainly more than nothing. Small donors were the backbone of Obama’s fundraising.
Anonymous
My career is in nonprofits and after working at a tiny organization, I can say that YES, $100 does make a difference! Do your research – look into where exactly the money is going (what current fundraising campaigns are going on), how much is spent on administration, etc. Where I work now, I can tell donors that we’re raising $8000 to do X, or that a $125 will buy X item to help people. It all helps. Every penny.
Anom
It’s not enough, but it is something. You aren’t throwing away your money. Check out charity navigator for ratings and info on various charities.
Veronica Mars
Yes, it makes a huge difference. Those personalized special license plates? In my state, they’re about $30 a year with $10-$20 going to the nonprofit. It it STAGGERING how much money goes to the nonprofits. Absolutely staggering. I worked at a local nonprofit where a significant portion of their budget came from the plates alone. I can’t find any info on my state’s program, but I’ll link to one from MA where it’s millions per year. MILLIONS. All from a small yearly donation.
Veronica Mars
http://www.wickedlocal.com/news/20171103/license-plates-bring-millions-to-massachusetts-charities-and-nonprofits
Anonymous
Food banks. They can stretch your $100 really far. And when we debate LV Neverfull vs other logo coated canvas bags, there are some people in your community who legit can’t feed their families (never mind fancy name-brand groceries). It hurts the very old and very young the most. So, yes, $100 to the food bank, stat.
Anonymous
And to add to this, give cash, not food, to food banks. Yes, I mean, they’ll gladly take your food, but they have deals in place where they can get food much cheaper than an individual can, so they can really stretch your cash donation.
Anonymous
+1 – or other food resource groups in your area – they help food shelves source fruits/vegetables, etc. so not everything comes from a box.
NM
Thanks for the reassurance, everyone. At least it’s a starting point.
Moonstone
Just wanted to say — the charity threads on this site have also inspired me to think more about this. I have been focusing on small local organizations, where the 100 bucks really feels like it’s helping people directly. My partner goes the opposite way and has a recurring monthly donation to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU. I think they are all good options.
Anon
This is like asking if one vote counts. One single vote, not really. But if you’ve got many people voting, it adds up. Similarly $100 may seem trivial, but when every one contributes even just a dollar, it adds up. It’s called the power of the mass.
NM
Good analogy!
Anonymous
I’m on the board at church, and before this, I just always kind of figured that the People Who Were Really Established or Some Higher Organization were the ones who took care of things like keeping the lights on and the roof from leaking. Yeah, no. There are 100 people in the congregation and we’re the ones who keep the lights on. We count on everyone’s donation. $20 means we can buy hot dogs for a church picnic, $100 means internet for the month…never mind big stuff like that pesky leak in the sanctuary. For us, a committed donation of $20/month is more helpful than a one-time $200 donation because we can plan on it, but we’ll gladly accept either. So if you have small charities in your area that are doing good local work, your $100 really can make a difference.
Pen and Pencil
This. I am at one of the largest non-profits (budget-wise) in my city, and in order to do projections for the future, the always giving $20/year donor makes a huge impact. We are super fiscally conservative, which means that our CFO won’t let us grow our budget if the numbers don’t support it, even if that means no cost of living adjustment. Having routine donors not only means that we can count on them to support annual programs, but it also means that we can manage and grow our budget in a responsible way. A $10k gift all at once is awesome, but if we can’t count on it year after year, we would have rather had the $1k for 10 years. I would warn you to take things like Charity Navigator with a grain of salt. It is really easy for non-profits to categorize things as programmatic expenses that aren’t necessary, and on top of that non-profit workers should be paid fair salaries. The way Charity Navigator ranks non-profits, it makes it easier for non-profits to justify not paying fair wages.
HTX
There is a fantastic article the Atlantic did a while ago called The Greatest Good about strategy for donating and the impact of donations. Check it out.
I informally tithe- Turbo Tax told me I wasn’t dontating enough a few years ago, so now every month, my husband and I decide which charity to put 10% of our after tax income to. I’m religious so my donation often goes to our church, my husband less so and he has selected NPR, homeless shelters, cancer research in the past. This month he is picking a veterans organization I think.
Anonymous
Hi everyone! Can anyone recommend a vegetarian friendly special occasion restaurant in Manhattan or Brooklyn? Doesn’t necessarily have to be fancy – but good food is a must. All types of cuisine welcome. I moved out of the city and am now out of touch!
Thanks!
Anon in NYC
If you want a straight vegetarian restaurant, there’s Dirt Candy or Candle 79. A lot of the super fancy places (Per Se, for example. Perhaps The Modern as well), will have vegetarian tasting courses. Danji is good for Korean food, and they have plenty of options on their menu that can be made vegetarian. ABC Kitchen is veg friendly, abcV is entirely vegetarian. Hearth is also delicious, and while they have plenty of meat on their menu, you can build a really good vegetarian meal out of their appetizers and pasta.
NYCer
I was going to suggest ABC Kitchen or ABCv as well. Loring Place is another option that has lots of veggies. Nix is also very good and is vegetarian.
ToS
Here’s my list:
Divya’s Kitchen in East Village
Bunna Cafe in East Bushwick
Modern Love in Brooklyn
and I will detour to Newtown or Chick P (not quite in either) for their falafel.
LV Neverfull--classic or tacky?
I can’t decide if it’s a classic piece or too flashy. Thoughts?
Anonymous
I really like the damier azur, the regular monogram print is very tacky IMO.
Anonymous
I think it depends on the look you are going for.
It reads tacky to me in my crowd, but anything with lots of bling-y labels reads tacky to us. New $$ vs. older/secure $$, if you know what I mean. I also think the print is ugly.
I spent this $$$ and I think I’m worth it. Or someone spent this $$ on me and thinks I’m worth it. Is that what you are trying to say?
Never too many shoes...
There are lots of LV haters here. I myself do not love that bag, but the Damier is a classic option.
Veronica Mars
Neverfull is a classic shape and endlessly functional. Only you can decide if it’s too flashy. It’s a very recognizable bag. You could go with the Epi if you want something lower profile. There’s only one logo in the bottom corner of the bag (although a bag-savvy person will recongize it anyway).
Anonymous
definitely not a classic. jumped the shark. I wouldn’t call it tacky, but I’d expect to see a teenager in Madison, NJ carrying one, not a grown woman.
Anonymous
I don’t really have strong feelings about the LV Neverfulls, but I do associate with co-eds, for better or worse.
Pretty Primadonna
I wouldn’t call it tacky. Perhaps overdone?
Anonymous
The only person I know who has an LV Neverfull is obsessed with labels and regularly goes to China to buy expensive fake Chanels and Celines (these are like $1000 fake bags, not some $20 knockoff). And then they fall apart regularly because they’re not actually quality bags. But heaven forbid she buy a quality $300 leather purse because that bag doesn’t have a blingy label. So I’m gonna go with tacky…
Anonymous
Definitely not classic!
Anonymous
My vote is tacky. Get a cuyana or everlane tote – similar functionality without the labels, and will look more up to date to most people anyway.
Anon
I’m in DC and it’s become very associated with a particular look (Bethesda soccer mom). I’d go with a Cuyana tote instead.
OP
I’m label-agnostic (my nondescript leather tote is fine by me), but a good friend mentioned she was looking at one for a milestone birthday. She has a very classic and understated look–think pearls and cardigans–so it was kind of a puzzler. I thought maybe I missed the memo on these being some sort of classic investment bag, but it looks like my thoughts are pretty much in line with the commenters.
Anon
The bag wears like iron – you can use it and abuse it, and it lasts and lasts. That may be the appeal. I like Ferragamo myself, but have noticed that the purses don’t have quite the same staying power.
pink
it’s annoying that everybody seems to have one–even those people whose styles you may not appreciate, but i ended up with one, and i love it, because it lasts and lasts and it’s easy to use and lightweight (lighter than leather) and more structured than a canvas or nylon tote, and can be dressed up or down, so judge me all you want…that is all.
Living situation
Please help me understand the most respectful way to proceed here:
I have lived in my current apartment for two years. Have a good and hands-off relationship with my landlord. I always pay the rent on time, keep things immaculate, etc. My partner (who doesn’t live with me currently) lost his job and now can’t afford his own rent. We were already in a position of discussing living together, and now it makes even more sense. But, he has a chocolate lab, and my landlord has expressed a strict preference against pets. I am in a jurisdiction where pets cannot legally be banned from a unit and where a pet is not grounds for eviction. Should I tell the landlord? I know that he will be unhappy and protest, but I honestly do not see another option right now besides having boyfriend and lab live with me. If it’s only going to upset my landlord, and I cannot immediately move, and he cannot legally protest the dog, is it worth me opening this can of worms? What would you do?
BabyAssociate
I’ll go ahead and trust that you truly cannot be evicted for having a pet. If you’re hoping to stay in the apartment, I’d tell your landlord and offer to pay a reasonable pet deposit (whatever is standard in your city). I think just not saying anything is not a good move. Were I a landlord, I’d be pretty upset if a tenant got a pet specifically after I asked them not too AND tried to hide it.
LAnon
I’m sure the lawyers on the board will weigh in on this, but I would check your lease to see if you already agreed to have no pets, even in spite of the local jurisdiction.
In terms of talking to your landlord, I would tell your landlord that you and your partner are planning to move in together and are considering your options. Tell the landlord how much you enjoy living in the current place, how your preference would be to stay there, but that your partner has a dog and you need to find a place that accommodates the dog. (Feel free to throw in some flattery about how much you and your partner would both prefer to settle on your place because it’s so nice, etc.) Don’t mention that your partner has to leave their current place or that your partner lost his job.
Most landlords would prefer to accommodate an existing tenant who they know and like, rather than having to re-rent the place. I’m guessing you might get a lot of heavy sighing and “I’ll think it over” but that your landlord will ultimately give in. You could also offer an add’l security deposit or pet rent.
Since your landlord is pretty hands-off, I would not mention that this is happening eminently whether he likes it or not – just frame it that you’re considering some options within the next several months and want to know if the current place is on or off the table.
Anonymous
If you have any carpeting and/or long drapes / blinds, I’d offer up agreeing to pay an extensive cleaning fee for getting all of the embedded pet hair out when you move. The carpeting may need to be replaced (depending on hair and/or soiling incidents). It’s probably that the pet damage causes legit expenses for your landlord when he goes to rerent, ep. if the new tenant has any allergies (or is like me, who has issues with any apartment that I can tell used to have a cat that marked territory in it — yuck).
OP
There is zero carpet and I have provided all the window dressings (which are pull down black-out shades/venetian blinds). Part of the reason that I feel conflicted about having the conversation is that I know there will be no damage from the dog, and I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my landlord when it really is the only solution for me right now. To answer some of the questions below, it is not legal in my jurisdiction to charge a pet fee or any deposit beyond last month’s rent.
Anonymous
You come off a bit patronizing, as a non dog owner and not a landlord, to say “I know there will be no damage from the dog.” You can’t know that. Dog urine left on a wood floor can cause damage, depending on how the floor is sealed.
Of course you should be up front with your landlord, but whether you do that is up to you.
I live in a very competitive to rent area. I include letters from my prior landlords in my presentation package to new landlords when I am competing for a new apartment (sounds crazy, I know….). Just know that if you do this without telling your landlord you can be sure that any future landlords that do their due diligence and call prior landlords will be told what you did.
Can you tell us what state you are in?
cbackson
I think you risk ruining the relationship with the LL by not telling him, though. The LL is probably currently hands-off because he trusts you. If he finds out you’re doing something he knows you don’t like, you run the risk that you damage that trust and suddenly you’re getting requests to inspect the apartment, etc.
Since you know he legally can’t prevent this, I’d tell him.
Anonymous
Your jurisdiction sounds like a pet-lover’s dream! I wouldn’t bank on no damage from the dog if you have hardwood floors. There will be a lot of scratches from dog nails that wouldn’t be there otherwise. Get plenty of rugs to mitigate this.
Since you asked us to help you understand the most “respectful” way to proceed- I think that would clearly be letting the landlord know. It is respectful to let the owner know who is living in his property. Not to mention it will protect the dog and workers if/when any maintenance people enter the apartment for repairs.
OP
I live in Ontario, Canada.
Anonymous
+1 my dad is a strict “no pets” landlord in theory. But if you’re a “good tenant “ (pay your rent on time, don’t complain about everything, don’t have issues with neighbors/ law enforcement) he’ll agree to have you stay with a pet if that’s what it takes.
Just tell them
I view it as disrespectful to not tell your landlord what is happening in their property.
Anonymous
Can the landlord legally charge a pet fee? Does he? If the answer to those questions is yes, I think you have to tell him. Otherwise, I don’t think you have a legal/moral obligation to tell him unless you lease says that you will disclose pets.
Never too many shoes...
Your are not allowed to charge a pet deposit in Ontario.
Anonymous
Hearing this was Ontario slowed my roll. The best option is to talk to your landlord about the whole deal after you look at the entire scenario for long-term, not just until-my-partner-gets-another-job. If living together works well, would you be opting for a better place when your lease is up? Better could be bigger, more ideal location, or even more pet friendly…
If you love where you are and are not inclined to move, supporting the relationship with the landlord needs some attention and less surprise.
anon a mouse
Bigger issue is whether you need to sign a new lease to get BF on it. Many leases have a clause that you cannot have long-term overnight guests (with varying definitions of long-term). So I would probably get BF on the lease and then move the dog in after the fact, if it’s not grounds for eviction.
You might want to come clean with your LL at that point, too, maybe offer a separate pet deposit to show you are acting in good faith. Your good rental history should help you here.
OP
My lease already makes provision for me to have a partner, so it is really just the dog that is of issue.
Baconpancakes
What magical tenants-rights jurisdiction do you live in? You must be out of the US, right?
When I lived in DC, which has comparably great tenants-rights laws, we had to get a new lease any time we had a new roommate, and my nosy upstairs neighbor kept tabs on how many nights my SO slept over so she could report me to the landlord the minute he went over the limit.
OP
I live in Ontario, Canada. My rent is specifically written that way – “my name plus provision for another adult partner”. I don’t know if it’s a given for all leases in Ontario.
anon
Talk to your landlord. You don’t want to wreck the relationship and potential reference.
I moved into a “no pets” rental with two dogs because I was upfront about it and have a stellar history and references. Is the dog adult, neutered, house trained, well-mannered? Mention all that upfront. Tell them that you know this isn’t ideal but that you really value an honest landlord/renter relationship and don’t want to go behind his back about it. Offer to pay an additional pet deposit, do a walk-through before they move in to document any future damage, and put it all in writing. Offer to crate train the dog (if it’s not already) so it can’t damage anything when you’re not home.
Realistically, consider the possibility of moving to a pet friendly place as soon as your lease is up, and be prepared to offer these concessions as a temporary measure so they can live with you until then and you don’t ruin your chance at a good reference in the meantime.
Anonny
Based on the legal specifications I think we live in the same awesome place. Do not tell your landlord, if hes that hands off (as mine is) he literally will not notice the dog because he is never around to notice. Just make sure to keep the apartment clean and damage free and have your boyfriend take the dog out when there are contractors over for repairs. Telling him only stands to strain the relationship.
Anonymous
But do you think neighbors might tell?
I guarantee that if this is a strict no pets building, if someone living there “notices” a large dog going in and out and occasionally barking (no one has mentioned this….. ) they would let your landlord know.
I rent in a building with almost all single women (which was a plus when I moved in). It turns out several “report” anything that is outside of the rules…. like leaving a wet umbrella outside your apartment door, or not picking up packages in a timely manner. And you can bet they would report a dog.
It has also been a drag when I have lived in apartments where the neighbors bring a new dog. I work from home, and often there is anxiety barking for weeks/months while the dog gets used to the new place. Really drove me crazy. Honestly, I did want to report them, but never did….
OP
The building itself is not no pets. There are pets everywhere. It’s a condo and my landlord owns an individual unit in it.
Never too many shoes...
OP, from what I know of tenant law in Ontario, as long as to the condo corp does not have a no pets rule, then your individual owner cannot do anything if you get a pet after you are already living there unless there are some issues with excessive noise or damage. Even in that case, they would still have to apply for an order to terminate your tenancy from the Landlord and Tenant Board.
I would tell him as a fait accompli (“I got a dog”) and leave it at that.
Anonymous
Especially in this situation, I would tell/ask.
Anonymous
I agree. This is not your typical landlord… who owns a building/multiple units etc… If it is similar to here in the states (and the condo I rent), you are renting from someone who doesn’t own a lot of other property and who is particularly invested in keeping it in good shape. Maybe they couldn’t sell it because they were underwater and would rather not be renting etc….
I would definitely tell. My landlords would be really upset if I betrayed them in this way. Like you I am an otherwise excellent tenant.
But I know others on this website would differ. For many…. it’s just business/the law…
Anonny
To add, I actually brought home a second pet 16 months ago and my landlord has yet to notice. Though I am sure if I had asked him he would have made a stink.
Ellen
I think haveing a boyfreind in the apartement can be WORSE then a pet. Labs are clean, but boyfreinds are NOT. If he is at all a SLOB, keep him out b/c once he is in, you will have alot of trouble getting rid of him. I know I did with my ex. FOOEY on men who lay around the apartement then grab you for $ex as soon as you come in the door!
nuqotw
Would offering up an additional deposit be possible and make the landlord less unhappy? Or an agreement to have the place professionally cleaned if/when you move?
lawsuited
I live in Ontario, Canada as well. OP is not mistaken about the law – “no pets” clauses are unenforceable and tenants can’t be evicted for having a pet.
OP, I was in a similar position when I agreed to look after my sister’s cat for a few weeks while she tried to re-home her. I didn’t notify the landlord at the time because it was supposed to be a short term thing, which ended up turning into the cat living with me for almost 2 years. My landlord visited my unit on occasion and saw the cat and never commented on it. My landlord already had a damage deposit in addition to our last month’s rent, but if he hadn’t I might have offered to pay one in case the cat caused damage. My landlord already knew we paid rent reliably, fixed minor issues with the unit ourselves, had our unit professionally cleaned, and could see that the apartment was very well-kept despite the new addition of the cat.
Anon
I don’t think the dog is the problem. Moving a boyfriend in who has no means to help with the rent is the problem. What the f are you thinking???
Anonymous
Actually, this is a good point…. ;)
My friends who have been pushed to move in sooner / get married sooner based on episodes like this often didn’t turn out so well.
Anon
I think it is not reasonable for your boyfriend to expect to bring his dog to your pet-free apartment. Does he have friends or parents who can take the dog? If he has this expectation, I would reconsider having the BF move it. He at least needs to show a good-faith effort to take care of the situation on his own. In my opinion, it is a poor decision to start out cohabitation with such an uneven power balance in the domestic environment.
Anonymous
LOL, what? Would you expect a single dad to offload a his child onto his parents or friends before he moved in with a girlfriend? It’s a dog, for crying out loud, not an undesirable collection of neon beer signs or unexploded military ordinances. Unless there is some sort of allergy or medical condition, who would make their significant other get rid of their pet as a condition of living together?
Anonymous
If you’re truly interested in the most respectful course of action then obviously you need to tell your landlord. But it really sounds like you’re not, and that you’d rather just sneak by. Sure, it’s legal. But it’s not the best course of action and I think you know that already.
OP
I should have really said « tactful » instead of respectful because in a perfect world I know what the perfect thing to do is. But hard times and tenant laws and other factors have actually made me think about whether having this conversation right now with my landlord is really in my best interest (or even his…he will end up worried sick about a 10 year old lab who sleeps all day and is only moving in temporarily and who he can not evict regardless). So yeah, my question was a little more nuanced than you thought it was.
Anonymous
I would be thinking along the same lines, OP.
JuniorMinion
Couple thoughts:
1) You should tell your landlord. I’m a big believer in honesty in relationships, as well as a big believer in proactivity. Telling your landlord allows you to set the narrative around the dog moving in as opposed to your landlord finding out at some point and you being on the defensive.
2) Be very careful of moving a partner in with you because they can’t afford their rent. This may color your true assessment of the best next steps for you.
basic
I thought I posted this weekend, but must have gotten eaten by mods (?)
I keep seeing ads for Ritual vitamins, and they are very pretty (I am admittedly ridiculous).
Seems to have a cult following. I’m sure there’s nothing that couldn’t be found in a less-pretty vitamin combo, but I struggle with being a compliant taker of any meds.
Any Ritual users? Anyone with good vitamin recommendations?
Anon
Probably feeding a troll here, but… Vitamins for the most part get you expensive p**. Do you have a particular medical issue that you need a particular supplement for? E.g., calcium or vitamin D? Go with store brand or centrum.
Anon
A multivitamin and vitamin D supplement are all most people need unless you have a specific deficiency. Pretty doesn’t matter (you know this), get the store brand and call it a day.
If you’re trying to advertise vitamins on this board, you will be sorely disappointed, this is not the place and people won’t be kind.
Anonymous
Actually, most people do NOT need a multivitamin, and most women need calcium supplements (often not included in a MVI or not in sufficient, spaced doses).
Anonymous
Looks silly.
Talk to your doctor. Decide with your doctor what you need with regards to calcium, vitamin D, iron and possibly B12. Different recs if you think you may try to conceive soon. Then take what is appropriate, which may be in a multivitamin but more likely will not be. Costco is considered a reliable generic brand.
new job who dis
vitamins aren’t meds.
if they’re being advertised by SponCon on instagram and buzzfeed, you can pretty much guarantee they’re excessive. but if you think they’ll make you happy because they look cute – then go for it.
Nesprin.
Pretty is not a good reason to buy vitamins. Go to costco, buy calcium carbonate (500mg-1000mg/day). There’s no reason to take a multivitamin and all major studies on the subject have shown no benefit to some detriment with the exception of calcium – osteoporosis is rough. This advice of course precludes dietary/health issues like veganism or uptake deficiencies- but then you shouldn’t be taking random internet strangers’s health advice in the first place.
Anonymous
I have never heard of Ritual. I have some serious medical issues that mean I have to supplement under medical supervision. Given the current state of regulation, I think it’s best to take a “buyer beware” attitude towards supplements and their marketing. Supplementing is not risk-free.
It looks like Ritual’s big claim to fame is that it’s vegan. They’re leaving out some stuff that typical store brand multis include, and they’re arguing it’s because it’s unnecessary (but so are multivitamins for most of us, right?).
It also looks like Ritual is using the more expensive “active” forms of B12 and folic acid that some people swear by (this stuff is still scientifically and medically controversial):
Methylcobalamin vs. cyanocobalamin. Cyanocobalamin is a cheaper synthetic that does not appear in food unless it’s fortified with it. Methylcobalamin is the “active” form of B12 that your body creates from the forms normally found in food. Some people say they feel better taking the active form. (As you can imagine, this plays into narratives about “natural” vs. “man made.”)
Vitamin B9. Ritual uses “methylfolate” vs. Centrum’s folic acid. Again, the form of folic acid used in supplements is likely to be a cheaper synthetic that’s different from the vitamin that occurs in unfortified foods. The synthetic form is claimed to cause some harmful side effects in a genetic minority who have trouble with it (in my experience, fertility clinics take these claims seriously vis a vis fertility). Methylfolate again refers to an active form. Dosage matters, as there are concerns about folic acid and cancer. An active form of folic acid has been marketed in a very high dose as a prescription psychiatric (Deplin–vitamins can be meds, btw!) that seems to be popular for PMDD, but my doctor currently recommends <800 mcg (you may see other numbers out there).
Ritual contains D3, K2, and magnesium, but no calcium. I take a ton of Vitamin D3, and every doctor I've had has advised against taking D3 without K2. There are concerns about supplemental calcium and heart disease, and there are claims (depending who you ask) that D, K, and magnesium will do more than calcium supplementation to maintain healthy bones (in combination with dietary sources of calcium). That's a huge debate that you can look up or ask your doctor about. (I am guessing that osteoporosis prevention is the reason why Boron is in there too, but I have no idea whether that's a good idea or something people are likely to be deficient in??)
Vitamin E: Centrum uses dl-Alpha Tocopheryl Acetate. There are concerns over whether this synthetic form of vitamin E is as good/safe as the forms of vitamin E that occur in food (honestly the jury is still out on all supplemental E as far as I'm aware; my doctor is not a fan). Ritual claims to use "mixed tocopheryls" derived from Brassica napus seeds, but they could have said more here. I think Vitamin E is usually included more as a preservative than because anyone thinks you need to supplement it.
Ritual may be making unique demands from their suppliers (they claim to be picky about their B12 for instance), but it's my understanding that many different companies rely on the same manufacturers. So if you choose them over a cheaper brand, it may well be for aesthetics!
In-House in Texas
I would address it to “Hiring Manager.” The GC will likely never see it, and definitely won’t be involved in screening initial candidates, unless it’s a very small in-house legal department.
Shipping
How long does it normally take for Nordstrom to ship an order? Is 2 weeks normal?
Anonymous
No.
Kk
It hasnt been normal for me, but you’re not the only one, this NAS. I ordered July 19 and nothing has shipped yet.
Housecounsel
No, but they’re really backed up right now. I am in a Nordstrom Anniversary Sale-specific Facebook group and people are having a lot of issues with delays and also with cancellations of orders.
C2
No but it seems like they underestimated the NAS pretty badly this year. I ordered the 16th and had nothing as of mid-last week. I had wanted an item I ordered for a wedding this past weekend, so I called Wednesday and let the customer service agent know that, and they got it out that day by 2 day mail – I received it Friday and was good to go. If nothing had been urgent, I would have waited it out, but it is a little frustrating they’re so far behind.
Eyeroll
Do they ever NOT underestimate the NAS? It just seems like kind of a no-brainer that after you recruit what seems like every blogger in the universe to advertise it as the single greatest event of all time, there’s obviously going to be a lot of orders and you’re probably going to need to beef up your servers, make sure the shipping system can handle a huge increase in volume, maybe hire some temp people to get through the busy time, etc. Every year it’s like this is the first time they’ve had the sale and they had no idea it was going to be so big. They knew this was coming and they should’ve gotten it together.
Anon
Or maybe this all contributes to the sense of scarcity and immediacy and is very much not a problem they feel they need to fix?
Anonymous
Absolutely agree.
Mocha Milkshake
Any tips for where to start with wedding planning? My now fiancé (!!) and I got engaged last month and decided to give ourselves until August to enjoy it before starting wedding planning/decisions. We’ve talked a tiny bit about it, but have spent way more time this year talking about being married vs a wedding (which I’m very thankful for!). Honestly, I know I want a wedding with the white dress, walking down the aisle and family/friends there for a celebration, but I’m pretty blasé about the details and definitely don’t want to blow the bank. Future DH has said that he wants us to do what I want, but I’m sure he’ll have some opinions. We are thinking next summer.
All that to say – any recommendations on where to start? This week I want us to make a list of people we’d like to be there just to get a rough sense of how many potential guests and whether it’s a reasonable number. But then date, venue? From helping friends with their weddings, it’s always seemed like date was dependent on venue availability. Any helpful organization tips? Things that made your wedding planning much easier? Thanks!
Veronica Mars
I think it’s most helpful to pick ONE thing to start that you know you want (i.e. a particular venue, a catering company, a photographer, a videographer, etc). That will help you narrow down the options (i.e. your venue is only available these dates, so use that to narrow down photographer or vice versa). I booked the photographer first and it was great because she told us all the places she regularly shot at (which was the same vibe I was going for) as well as which vendors treated the bride and groom like crap.
anon a mouse
Start with number of guests and a good sense of your budget for a venue, as well as what you want for a reception (same location or are you doing church/reception site). Then whether you have strong preferences for – hotel ballroom? museum? location with outside space? Etc. Search APW and theKnot in your area and visit a few, book the place that feels right.
Unless you have a specific date that is inflexible for some reason, give yourself a 4-8 week window in case the venue you pick doesn’t have that specific date available.
Oh, and congratulations!!
Lana Del Raygun
Congratulations! Venue is going to be one of the biggest costs/cost drivers (some are tied to a particular caterer) so I would pick a date and lock that down first. Have a short list of people whose schedules you’ll take into account for the dates.
When dh and I got married we picked our caterer mainly on cost and ability to accommodate our families’ dietary restrictions (buffets are great for this! do not get a caterer like the one I used to work for, whose only gluten-free option was literally a plate of fresh fruit for dinner, and they kept it in a steam cupboard).
It also helps to decide what level of formality you want. This is another big cost driver — if you want wait staff, for instance, that adds $$$.
Also, price out renting vs buying — we found it cheaper to buy flatware and glasses from IKEA than to rent them; same for napkins, tablecloths, and some of the china (which we got from an online restaurant supplier).
Congrats again!
Anon
Congrats! I think it’s best to set a budget (overall big number you’re comfortable with) and then sketch out a guest list to figure out your approximate head count. Don’t stress here about getting the exact list perfect, just do some rough counting and pencil in some allotments for coworkers, family, extended family, friends, etc.
Once you’re both comfortable with those numbers, start looking at some wedding budget calculators (lots of info available online, try the knot and other wedding sites for big picture views of these things) and venues you like that will accommodate your guest list and see if they’re still in line with budget. Remember that it’s pretty typical for 15-20% of guests to decline, so if your target is 150, you can invite more than that – or, invite 150 and expect ~125 to attend.
MNF
Start with the big items that can only book one wedding at a time. Does walking down the aisle mean getting married at a church? If it’s a particular church, then that determines your date. If not, then your venue usually would be the thing to determine your date (in my city there are only so many venues that accommodate X, Y and Z number of guests, so start with your guest list and find the right-size venue). Once we had church date, then venue to match that, we booked photographer and band (again they only do one event per day, versus a florist that can do 10 weddings per day).
A helpful tip that I got was for my fiance and I to make a list of the three most important things we cared about and then compare (his: open bar, +1’s for every guest, live band). Through the process when the wedding industry gets you hyped up about this or that trend, you can go back to your top three and remember, oh yeah, centerpieces are not on my most important list – I don’t need to stress this much about them.
Anonymous
I think you’re on the right track. Figuring out a ballpark number of guests is the first step, then finding a date/venue, which you have to do simultaneously because some venues will not have availability on certain dates. If you’re looking a year in advance though you shouldn’t have too many problems. My biggest wedding planning tip is to find a venue that’s as ‘all-inclusive’ as possible. We had the ceremony and reception at the same hotel, and they catered and worked with a local baker to have a cake prepared. That meant that once we chose the venue we had a huge chunk of the wedding planned. They also gave us recommendations for photography, flowers, DJ and hair/makeup although we were of course free to bring our own vendors. And a venue with a day-of coordinator included is a huge perk.
Anonymous
Yes. I chose an older family member’s country club, which meant space, an event coordinator, food, furnishings, etc. were all included. I was picky about the baker, the musicians, and the flowers, and the venue worked harmoniously with all the people I hired. I saved money compared to many other venues I considered (including more inconvenient and DIY options). I actually really enjoyed planning my wedding and also my wedding! I was stressed enough in-law drama that it really helped to have a low-stress event.
Anonymous
A Practical Wedding or A Practical Wedding Planner. Both available in print or e-book.
emeralds
Congratulations! My fiance and I are two months-ish into planning, and A Practical Wedding (website + planning book) has been the most useful resource so far. They also have some helpful spreadsheet templates that you can download–the budgeting one was super-helpful.
We went with general guest count -> budget -> venue/date -> other vendors, because we’re getting married in a smaller city where venues book up very early.
Anonymous
Be prepared that everything – EVERYTHING – will cost way more than you think it should. That is all.
Anonymous
And EVERYONE with have contradictory opinions on it – so limit soliciting opinions from only those who you actually want them from and figure out how to say “That’s nice, we’ll think about it” and then ignore the advice you don’t want.
Anon
So true.
Also, be prepared for nothing to be good enough. I have a gluten-free (by choice, not celiac’s or allergies) guest who saw my menu. Three gf meat choices, six vegetable choices, cheese, gf dessert option. Then came the pouty-face about the lack of a gf starch.
Which brings me to: make sure that your guests with dietary restrictions have reasonable menu options. They don’t need every food group in every course (I went vegetarian in the ’90s and live by this), but it should be a reasonable meal that doesn’t leave people hungry or cranky.
Anonymous
There are a ton of wedding planning timelines online. Check out the Knot, A Practical Wedding, and Real Simple. In order to set a date, you need a venue (and an officiant – if you prefer an officiant from a specific religious tradition, you need to coordinate that with your venue choice). In order to choose a venue, you need an invite list and a budget. Once you have a budget and a venue, everything follows from there (some venues have set caterers, bakeries, planners/day-of coordinators, etc.). And congrats! :)
Baconpancakes
Mazel tov! I second the A Practical Wedding suggestion – they have a great Workbook out that gives you step by step directions.
Basically, start with 1) your budget, and 2) your guest list. Those two things will determine a lot. Once you have those two things figured out, quickly knock off the vendors who can’t do multiple weddings on the same day: venue, photographer, coordinator/planner, and maybe caterer.
Anon
Congratulations!!!
I’m planning my wedding now. My fiance and I are doing “wedding in a box” with options to change stuff up. Our venue does corporate events and is more than happy to give us a standard menu, set up audio equipment and a dance floor, and make it pretty. But they also do super-fancy weddings ($30k $50k receptions, lcol city), and we can modify things as we have time.
We started by setting a date (slow season, which works out well for us personally and means we have our choice of venues). If you are thinking of the summer, you might have to choose between the date and the venue. You will also pay more. Preliminary guest lists gave us an idea of how large a venue we needed and what our costs would be.
I then emailed about 20 venues for pricing and loaded it all into a spreadsheet (venue fee and approximate food/beverage cost). I sorted the venues into all inclusives, requiring an outside caterer, restaurants that would just feed us brunch, etc. That is an imperfect measurement of what things cost, but enabled a good enough comparison among venues.
You will be amazed at how many little things cost a few hundred dollars. Insurance, officiant fee, audio equipment for an iPod, save the dates, very basic flowers and decorations, hair and makeup, non alcoholic beverages, etc. Expect to pay about three thousand more than you think you will.
Make a spreadsheet of all of your costs. Mine has estimated, actual, and amount paid to date.
Anon
More advice: be very explicit in finding out what the minimums are.
I emailed venues and told them that we would have slightly fewer than 100 people. My original top choice venue (a hotel that has a zillion ballrooms that can be expanded or sectioned off, depending on the size of the event) required us to spend about $100 per person to hit the minimum food and beverage requirement. (The most expensive meal option for the time of day is $35.) The venue I went with has a $45 per person meal option, but only requires us to spend about $25 per person.
The first place hid their minimum in tiny type at the bottom of a large response to an RFP. The latter has a big chart with the minimums for each section of the venue.
It does not make sense, but we save money by going with the nicer venue with the more expensive food and the venue fee.
Anon
The busy and slow seasons really vary by location, so ask around in your desired destination. Example, in the south, summer is the slow season because it is so hot, and fall, winter, and early spring are highly desired since it never gets very very cold.
Anonymous
I really loved the /r/weddingplanning subreddit. At least for my city, the people there maintained an up-to-date spreadsheet with wedding vendors and costs. For reasons that will never make sense to me, you can’t find out wedding vendor costs without emailing a jillion people and then cajoling details out of them.
Anonattorney
If you can afford it, hire a wedding planner. It will save you save you so much time and angst. We found someone for about $5k, and they did everything. Gave us three vendors to choose from for each thing and set up our individual appointments; coordinated among vendors; gave us timelines for when we needed to make decisions; and then did all the day of set up and break down. Seriously, it was a lifesaver. Our wedding ended up being about $25k for 150 people, so although it was grossly expensive, it was nowhere the cost of some of these crazy parties.
If I had to do it again, I’d do the same thing or go WAY simple and cheap.
Senior Attorney
Yes yes yes to the wedding planner.
I always say that weddings are like major home improvement projects: You only do it once (or a couple/three) times in a lifetime, and you don’t know how to do it until it’s over and it’s too late to apply what you’ve learned. It’s totally, totally worth it to have somebody on your team who actually knows how to do it from the start!
Anonymous
Talk to your DH about what you care about and don’t care about, so you can come up with areas where you want to splurge and areas where you want to save. We both cared about having a great photographer and I really wanted lots of fresh flowers, so those were areas we splurged on. But neither of us cared much about music so we had a DJ instead of a band and we don’t drink so we had a lunchtime reception with poured champagne but no open bar, so that saved us a lot of money.
Anonymous
Make him make some decisions! “I’m fine with what you want” is not helpful! If you don’t care about the details either, then it’s totally not fair to make you do all the heavy lifting of planning.
I’ve heard a lot of good things about the first APW book.
Baconpancakes
I missed that part the first time around. One of the APW sayings is “a wedding is not a surprise party for the groom.” Your fiancé may not know what he feels strongly about yet, and that’s fine, but he needs to be prepared to step it up and do the work of researching and comparing vendors and styles once he figures out what he does care about, and he needs to look for places where he can do the work if he doesn’t care strongly about 50% of the things. (Eg no one care about they are actually parking their cars – but someone has to figure it out.)
Anonymous
+1. Divide the work! If there’s a thing you feel strongly about that he doesn’t, then take on that task yourself. He can do whatever thing he feels strongly about. In my case, my now-husband didn’t care what the invitations looked like, so I went and knocked those out on Saturday afternoon. We both agreed on style of music, but I didn’t care who did the music, so he handled figuring out all of the music, from ceremony to reception.
Anonymous
Congratulations!
Miss manners’ book on wedding was my favorite-it’s refreshingly unstuffy. Basically, you make a list of who would like to see you get married and then work out how to feed and entertain them on budget. Her smart and snarky approach helped me avoid a lot of wedding stress. Good luck planning!
Fridges
We need a new fridge and I honestly had no idea that the options had gotten so confusing in the past decade. I realize this may not be an easy question, but can anyone tell me the type of things I should be looking/asking about in terms of performance?
I am not at all price sensitive. I literally just want the “best” fridge in terms of keeping my food fresh and don’t really care about things like smart capabilities or even an ice maker. The other deal breaker I have is that I want it to be 1) as reliable as possible and 2) have great, responsive service in case it does break. Online reviews are all about the trendy features, and it’s hard to get a pulse on how good the service is because lots of reviews are just people complaining that this or that broke.
FP
I just bought a new fridge. Unsure if you are thinking super high end or just on the high end of what you can get at normal appliance retailers. I ended up going to Costco and using the Costco credit card for a 4 year appliance warranty, which seemed to be the most generous. I spent about $2k on a GE fridge that was on sale, down from close to $3k.
Anonymous
+1
We try to buy our appliances from Costco. They tend to have pre-screened pretty reliable brands and models. Their prices are good. And their extended warranty that they offer just for using their Costco credit card (which gives you an additional discount) can’t be beat. I confirm on Consumer’s reports that the model is a good one.
anon a mouse
For major purchases like this, I think it’s worth a subscription to Consumer Reports to see what they recommend. Also if you have an appliance repair person you’ve used in the past, call and ask what they recommend, or at least which brands or features to stay away from.
Leah
I am a fan of simple, workhorse appliances (I recommended the laundromat-style washing machine a few days ago). I would research fridge reviews through restaurant supply stores.
Anon
Do not buy Samsung. I find the traditional long time brands like Whirlpool and GE have been the most reliable for me.
Pen and Pencil
Second this, a friend bought a high-end Samsung fridge and it has had problems within the first two years of owning it. I was telling my co-worker about this and she said she knew several people with similar issues with Samsung fridges.
Anonymous
Is there a reputable appliance store near you? What you need is a knowledgeable sales person.
Lana Del Raygun
So am I the only one who thinks this looks like a strait jacket? :O
Anonymous
+1
hahaha
That so accidental “belt” is what does it.
Otherwise, I very much like the cut/drape which works well for my figure. Not so much the wash-out color…
Anonymous
Need to from NYC to San Antonio for a conference in October. Just realizing that there’s no direct way to get to SA and few evening flights so I’ll have to add a travel day on either end so I’m thinking — if I’m going so far, why not do a second/side trip on the way home. Ideally I’d fly out of SA headed east or at least not too much future west (so my return trip is shorter), spend 2 days there, and fly home direct from there. Where would you go? I like beaches or cities with luxury hotels. All I can come up with — Miami or Chicago but there have got to be other ideas?? I will want to get out of Texas after 4 days so no interest in Austin or Galveston.
Anonymous
New Orleans.
Anon
I would reconsider needing to “get out of Texas” after four days. Unless you’re saying that because you’ve spent a lot of time in Texas and are over it, you are operating off of preconceived notions (guessing as a New Yorker you think its hicks-ville but like most states, the cities are urban and less conservative). San Antonio is a pretty boring city tbh (there is the riverwalk) and majority Hispanic. Austin is becoming San Francisco but flat and very progressive and diverse with lots to do, especially outdoors, too see and to eat.
That being said, Austin or NOLA are great options. Two to Four days is a great length of time to get a little taste of both. Don’t do Galveston except as a side trip from Houston.
HTX
Cancun is generally a cheap and 2 hours-ish flight from major cities in TX.
BabyAssociate
Mexico City! Direct flight, so much to explore, tons of nice hotels.
LHW
Or San Miguel! It’s beautiful.
Ouch! That hurts
Charlotte or other places in the Carolinas? For beachy? October might be iffy weather though. Certainly there’s Miami.
Dallas has great shopping and fashion … and anything in a big city FWIW
Anonymous
” I will want to get out of Texas after 4 days so no interest in Austin or Galveston.”
What’s with that?
Anonymous
What? Everyone MUST love Texas?
Anonymous
Seriously. I wouldn’t want to spend my free time in Texas, either. That doesn’t make me a terrible person.
Kelsey
Are there any lawyers in the hive who made it to income partner/of counsel/non-equity and decided not to strive for the next level for awhile? I just became one of these a year ago and trying to get to the next level is going to require another uphill climb for at least 2 years. I am in my early 40s, experiencing some health issues and don’t have it in me to strive for the next (and highest) level. But I’m wondering if I’m going to regret it, especially with the difference in pay (at least $25k difference).
Anonymous
Well, don’t you already make a ton of $$? If so, honestly an additional $25k doesn’t make that much of a difference in your quality of life. I’m serious. And it certainly isn’t worth risking your health.
I think you know what you want to do. It is pretty clear from reading your post.
Congratulations on your (still relatively recent) promotion. You have made it. Take care of yourself, and live your good life.
Anonymous
+1. These were my exact thoughts.
DCR
One thing to consider is whether the firm will let you stay at your current level. Some firms are still up or out for income/non-equity partners.
Otherwise, at that level at any firm, you are making good money. I don’t think a small pay difference is worth stressing yourself out, but I’m also someone who left a law firm as a senior associate because I didn’t want to deal with the stress and worry for the next 10+ years of my life.
Anonymous
Honestly, it depends on your firm and the year(s) your firm has as to whether that next step is really worth it. There is a significant handful of people at my firm who have not moved up from non-equity partner to equity. I just did and honestly, I think it’s going to be a wash as to whether it actually is any better this year (particularly when you factor in paying full freight for health insurance, etc.). You do you.
Anonymous
Have any of you here done biglaw for a long time as an associate (like nearing 10 years), gone to the government for a while (5 years) and then gone back to biglaw or midlaw? Going back is something I want to do and that could be doable (maybe – no one ever leaves my agency but it is financial services so it’s not like I’d have to convince law firms of a wildly different skill set). Yet as more time goes by in the government I’m kind of scared of the hours, working 6 days a week, instability etc. Yet I miss client service etc and just don’t see myself as a lifer. FWIW I was at a v30 and don’t want to go back to that kind of firm — I’m happier going to smaller biglaw or midlaw — someplace that may be less up and out and lower hourly rates so I have some shot at business development even if it means less comp. I’ve barelu just talked to recruiters and right now it’s — oh you were at v30, these v15s could be interested as I’m trying to get across that I’m looking for a different thing. Anyone want to share their transition?
Anonymous
not in that situation, but I think you may be underestimating the hours at a smaller biglaw/midlaw firm. Based on my friends, most of those places still work their attorneys very hard
tough love
I know many of us have posted about friendships on here and I am expecting this is one of those situations where, if I was reading someone else’s story, I’d tell her to chalk it up to changing lives and the passage of time, etc., but – this is me.
A close friend has seemed to be drifting away. It’s been harder to schedule with her, and she’s always been bad about responding to texts and basically has never really responded to emails. The last few times I’ve texted to ask about doing something she either hasn’t responded or has responded with one of those weird i p h on e “laugh” or “love” or whatever non-responses to my text. Do I just … stop asking her to do things? I can’t figure out if she is upset for some reason or just weirdly not responding to direct invitations and/or texts that say things like, “We haven’t hung out in ages, I miss you!” Is this a She’s Just Not That Into You? I feel a lot of sadness over this.
Decor Advice- Paint
It sounds like you are being wishy washy. I drifted away from a flakey friend (not saying you are flakey just saying why I stopped putting effort into it) and she texts me sometimes to say ‘we should hang out!” and I reply “sure let me know what day works for you” and I never get a reply. So clearly she’s not serious about it. If you want to hang out with your friend, ask her to do X thing on Y day and Z time and see how she responds. Telling someone you miss them without suggesting an outing is just putting the burden back on them.
Anonymous
Agreed. OP, your example of a “direct invitation” isn’t a direct invitation at all. If a friend sent me that, I’d probably respond, “miss you too!” and that’d be the end of it. Not because I don’t want to see her, but because I would assume that if she actually wanted to see me she would try to make plans. A direct invitation is like, “Do you want to do something Saturday night? Maybe check out that new beer garden?”
tough love
Yeah, I had tried two direct invitations with no response so this was trying something different. I don’t know if we have ever spoken on the phone before so it might be weird to try but maybe not that weird! I’m 38, she’s in her early 40s, we’ve been friends for about 10 years.
Anonymous
How old are you?
Is it crazy to try to call her and have a conversation? If so, then I guess this friendship is fading. It happens.
I hate the idea of maintaining a friendship by text. Doesn’t count in my book. If she doesn’t respond to a direct invitation, and wont pick up if you call her, then it sounds like it is over.
Just realize, this is normal. People change over time, get more busy with work/family and it is harder to maintain close ties when you move further apart (ie not in a college dorm together!). Try not to take it too personally. Most of us are doing the best we can. And it is probably not good enough for what you need in a friendship. It hurts, but it’s life.
Cookbooks
I would try giving her a call. But if she continues to be evasive, I think you might have to accept that it’s time to let this friendship go. I’ve been there, and it sucks. But ultimately, it’s better to let go of those people who don’t value you the same way you value them.
L
I agree that you should call her – to catch up, not to confront her. Then you should get a better sense of her feelings towards you. Maybe she is just a bad texter/emailer and is better in person or on the phone.
Decor Advice- Paint
We want to paint our apartment and are thinking of an off-white/cream color. The floors are medium/dark with cherry undertones, similar to the cabinets. We think this will brighten up the space as it doesn’t get a lot of natural light. Whenever I put paint colors in the dark areas they look dingy- is there an undertone we should look for or avoid? Am I using colors that are too cool? Many off-whites have yellow undertones and I worry that they will show up quite yellow in low light. I guess I’m not sure what I should be looking for because I want it to look bright, a tad warm, but not muddy.
Scarlett
I think off white might be your issue – that can look yellow and muddy fast. I painted our vacation place in simply white by Benjamin Moore and I love it – it’s crisp, clean and a pure white. Makes for more of a Scandinavian look and it works with all other colors.
Anonymous
Benjamin Moore White Dove – a warmer white, reads true white but is the tiniest bit creamy and in some lights looks like it may have a touch of gray. If you search it, there are even articles about it in some design & architecture magazines. I love it.
Anonymous
maybe brown undertones instead of yellow? But, give just white a try too.
Caveat is that I’m a person who hates colors that can’t commit to being a color- (aka pastels and “neutrals” that are just muddy versions of their actual color). I find that these are the ones that change the most depending on the light.
Anonymous
I’m going to look for more brown undertones. Good call.
Right now I like the idea of Cloud White.
Anonymous
I’ve read that trying to use very bright paint colors in rooms that don’t get much light actually makes the problem worse, because it just accentuates the fact that it’s dim. So maybe try some non-white colors? I think grey would be good.
lawsuited
Benjamin Moore Cloud White is a very bright but warm white.
dream coat
I’m saving towards a major winter coat upgrade and would love some ideas of a classic, investment winter coat. I already have the below-zero practical coat; I’m thinking a classic wool silhouette I can wear for years. Capping out at $1,000, I think, and I typically wear a size 12. I’m 5’10 and an hourglass shape. I have never spent more than $200 on a coat so I have no idea where to start browsing.
Anonymous
My dream coat is the Judith & Charles Norway Coat, please let me live vicariously through you.
BB
I don’t know how I’ve never heard of this brand before! It’s gorgeous and not crazy expensive – totally putting it on my list for the next time I’m up in Montreal.
Never too many shoes...
Max Mara.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I would look for a beautiful cashmere/wool blend wrap coat. To the knee. With a neckline that flatters your body shape/neck/face. In a classic color that matches your color palatte. It doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be black, but you’d like it to match a lot. Sometimes a deep navy or burgundy or grey can work depending upon your preferences.
Maybe check Nordstrom’s and other high end department stores (I’ve gotten some nice coats from NM and Bloomingdale’s) as we move into fall, and/or pick something up on black friday or immediately after Christmas if you want to get the most for your money.
anne-on
I’d go to Bloomingdales or Nordstrom’s when they’re running black friday sales. I really, really like my fancy Mackage Wool Coat, the weight is amazing and it is definitely a good, heavy winter wool.
Max Mara, and Maje are also great brands.
ohc
I bought a fancy-for-me wool/cashmere coat last year from Babaton, via Aritzia, at the suggestion of someone here. About $400 USD and it is SUPER warm and gorgeous.
Anonymous
Anyone else work in an office where you are the only one that takes a vacation? How do you handle it?
LHW
This morning (7am) I forgot my address. I had been up since 5:30 and went to Pilates class. On my way home, I had to type my address into a website to find the closest store near me. As I was typing I totally blanked on my house number. I could remember the street, zip code and how to get home but it still freaked me out.
I am a wound a little tight right now, my husband and I got into a huge fight yesterday but made up in the evening. In addition, I am in the middle of fertility treatments, searching for a new fertility doctor and researching IVF. I have always been a bit of a space cadet but never this badly.
Should I call my doctor?
Anonymous
Yes, if only because it sounds like you really need the peace of mind.
Anonymous
Speaking from first-hand experience, severe anxiety can cause memory loss like that. And then you get more freaked out, which makes it worse. (I once forgot how to use a soap and washcloth while in the shower. I knew what they were, but not how to put them together and use them. Really terrifying. I hopped out mid-shower and ran crying to my husband.) So the advice you’ll hate to hear is to relax. It’ll be good for the baby anyways.
Anonymous
Honestly, it’s probably nothing but stress and hormones. If you’re concerned, call your doctor, but I’ve had those kind of total brain lapses before. I’m totally fine (as far as I know!).
K
+1 your doctor will likely tell you that its stress.
Anonymous
I would want to get my blood pressure checked, and since I have a history, possibly blood sugar. I personally have forgotten my home address/phone number/possibly name when hypoglycemic and when experiencing hypotension before.
NYNY
You should take a day off. That’s classic stress.
LHW
Thank you all so much. I was 15 minutes away from WebMDing brain tumors.
Lana Del Raygun
Or exhaustion. I can’t remember nouns for basic household objects when I’m too underslept.
TomBoyX
I keep seeing ads for their undies. Has anyone tried? I love the idea of something so practical and comfortable, but suspect that underwear that truly doesn’t ride up is unattainable.
Closet/Drawer Purge Tips?
This past weekend I emptied 1.5 garbage bags of clothes from primarily my closet, not even gotten to my drawer yet.
I am purging. Any tips?
Anonymous
Give to me?
I don’t know – I wish I could do better at this.
I think a good guideline is “Would I want to run into an ex in this?” And go by how it makes you feel as well as look.
Or did you mean tips as in what to do with the purged stuff?
Baconpancakes
“Would I want to run into an ex in this?”
This is an amazing benchmark. Stealing for all future clothing purges.
Anon
GENIUS!