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Updated: Jul 21, 2019 256 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Jodee Mini Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This short-sleeved sheath has a great mix of summery colors. The sleeves are a good length, and the seams at the front look like they’d hit in the most flattering spots. Black Halo describes it as a “mini dress,” but Shopbop says it has a length of 37.75″, which should still be work-appropriate for most people. If you need to add a topper, I’d go with a navy or white blazer. It’s $415 at Shopbop and available in sizes 0–16. Jodee Mini Dress Here are some other summery options: in regular sizes from Talbots, in plus sizes from Adrianna Papell, and in both regular and plus sizes from J.Crew. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (edited)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay Elizabeth! You have execellent taste in picking out this pricey sheathe dress! I love it and wish I can lose the 5 pounds I need to fit into this dress respectably. Right now, I think it would be a little to tight, and I do not want to look like I was poured into the dress, only to to have it stretch whenever I bent down. No, I will wait until the end of the summer, when I am scheduled for my annual physical and my Doctor will let me know what I should be doing to be svelter. For now, I just try and eat less and excercise more. What do the older ladies in the HIVE do when their tuchusses are the problem? I am now getting close to 40 and need to focus on this as I age. If you can do a survey on this, Elizabeth, I would definitely appreciate it! YAY!!

    • Anonymous

      IDK — the placement of the fabrics has somehow made it tummy-maximizing. Different fabrics on different panels would have worked better for me (pear).

      • Anonymous

        Unlike the cheaper J.Crew option. It kind of annoys me when the other options are so radically different. The JCrew option is not work appropriate for the vast majority of us.

        • Inspired By Hermione

          I’m at a legal aid agency that skews very casual and that dress is even a bit too casual. And short…

          • PolyD

            It’s almost 38″ long! I’m about 5’3.5″ tall, a 36″ dress is entirely appropriate for me (comes to just below the top third of my knee). The average American woman is 5’4″ – I cannot see how a 38″ dress would be too short!

            Or is there a part of the country/office dress code where dresses must come to mid-calf? I mean, my office does skew very casual, so maybe this is a thing.

          • Anon

            I’m 5’6″ (with long legs for my height, but still) and 38″ dresses are nowhere near knee length on me. It’s fine to say this works for shorter women, but it’s nonsense to act like women who think 38″ is too short expect to have their calves covered.

          • PolyD

            Well, it’s nonsense to be all OMG SO INAPPROPRIATE for a dress that would be perfectly appropriate, perhaps a bit long even, for the average 5’4″ American woman.

          • Anon

            Haha I’m 5’11” and need 41”+ … a dress this short would be scandalous on me

    • BeenThatGuy

      I rented this with my RTR unlimited membership. I am a 16 in almost all higher end designers. This dress fit like a 10. I seriously couldn’t get it on. I was heartbroken. If you are tiny, it’s a fantastic dress!

  3. Funny Money

    Hi all, I’ve lived with my head in the sand for far too long and have decided to finally take budgeting seriously. Do any of you guys have favorite budgeting/expense tracking apps? I know my food and “entertainment” spending is overboard but I’d like to track ALL of my spending. My desired outcomes are: putting more $ toward paying off my student loans (my goal is to clear them in 5 years) and moving to a more expensive but more desirable neighborhood. I’m looking for an app that is easy to update and integrate with my accounts. I may want to share an app with my husband, however, our accounts are currently separate so the inability to share data isn’t a dealbreaker. For reference, mostly use one credit card but autopay a few bills via my checking out. Any tips are appreciated!

      • Annie

        +1. Mint works well for us. You can add accounts for two different people to the same budget. You do have to do some work re-categorizing things they get wrong, but I think it’s worth it.

          • Annie

            I just go through and do it all at once around once a week or once every other week. There are definitely a bunch of items each time.

          • Anon

            I use mint as well. If you mostly go to the same places for the same reasons (e.g. Walgreens is always the health category, AMC is always entertainment, etc.) then it picks up on that and the only things you really have to recategorize are the places that change (e.g. Target is sometimes groceries and sometimes kid clothes). You can also split transactions between multiple categories.

      • Anonymous

        Realize that for Mint you are typing your entire financial life into an app that can be hacked. One-stop shopping for fraud. I deleted mine. Too dangerous.

        • Funny Money

          I was really worried about that, it’s one of the reasons I haven’t used any app so far.

    • emeralds

      You Need a Budget! (I don’t work for them I swear.) It does have a learning curve, but once I got it figured out, I vastly prefer it to everything else I’ve tried, including Mint. Mint is much more backwards-looking, but the YNAB app lets you see how spending that $15 for lunch affects your budget in real time. I’ve used YNAB for about four years now and I can’t imagine NOT using it at this point.

      • Funny Money

        I really like the idea of seeing how a purchase will impact my budget in real-time! I don’t know what it is about food but it’s my Achilles heel, all reason goes out the window.

        • emeralds

          Yeah, it really helps me to make myself physically (well, with the app) move money from categories I WANT to be prioritizing, to cover the stupid bright red “-$13.65” line for Restaurants.

          YNAB does let you sync your accounts. I don’t use that feature since doing everything manually makes me more accountable, so I can’t really comment on how that aspect would intersect with what you’re hoping for.

      • anon a mouse

        Hard agree on this. It gives you a chance to check in the moment how much you can spend or make adjustments. it’s an incredible tool and lets you adjust your priorities as life happens.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Another hearty recommendation for YNAB. We’ve been using it for almost a year and it’s been a huge help in keeping us accountable and motivating us to save.

      • Tried them all

        As a voice of dissent, I’ve tried to get on the YNAB train multiple times, the desktop and phone format and I can’t get into it. It is confusing – and trust me I’ve watched the training videos and read through all of the “Help”section – and just can’t get it to work with the way that I spend, which is utilizing credit cards heavily. There are work arounds for people that use credit cards for all purchases then pay in full at the end of the month, but it’s just too complicated and doesn’t make sense for it not to be built in.
        I think YNAB works best for people that don’t use credit cards often, or have for people that have issues tracking their debt – YNAB will help you keep track of CC balances in real time. But for people that save and don’t overspend too much but just want a little help reigning in expenses and efficiently allocating their resources, Everydollar and Mint are the best. Mint is prettier with the many graphs, but Intuit has not been keeping up with updates to Mint so it has some lag and bank connection issues, so I recommend Everydollar.

        • Funny Money

          Thanks so much for this detailed breakdown. I mostly use credit and I’m the exact kind of user you mentioned; one that needs help reigning in expenses and allocating resources. There’s some great food for thought here.

          • Anon

            I pay for basically everything on credit cards, and find YNAB to be perfect for that set-up. You can set up credit cards two ways in the system, one of which is designed to help pay off debt and one of which is for forward looking expenditures on your credit card. I find YNAB to be great for having a visual representation of how my (over)spending in one category impacts the amount I can spend in another.

          • Anonymous

            I’ll disagree with the comment above and encourage you to try it anyway. We use a credit card almost exclusively and have no issues whatsoever using YNAB in this way. The credit card is an on-budget account, just like a checking account would be. Transactions on the credit card are logged under that account. When the credit card bill pays auto out of our checking account, we log a transfer transaction in YNAB from checking to the credit card to reconcile. It’s all the same steps you’d be doing to log transactions under a checking account, and exactly one extra once per month for the payoff. For what it’s worth, we’ve been using YNAB for 4 years and have only been using a credit card in this way for about a year. The transition was zero hassle.

          • Anon

            I do agree that YNAB can be used with credit cards, and lots of people do. I only wanted to point out that it isn’t exactly designed for it. There are entire blog posts in YNAB forums and personal finance gurus about how to make YNAB work with heavy credit card spending. I just don’t think it should be that hard – if you want low to medium effort in sticking with a budget, and especially if you aren’t focused on debt pay off but rather more interested in monthly budgeting, YNAB is not the best, IMO. I like Everydollar because it’s an in and out system and I can allocate my savings as an “out”item (which show up as spendable money on YNAB). I don’t need a snapshot of all my finances, I have another app for that, I just want to track how I spend.

          • nona

            Anon – what version of YNAB are you using? I agree with the other Anonymous that I also use YNAB with mostly CC spending and it’s not as big of an issue as you are making it out to be. It may have been more confusing in the past to set up the accounts the right way, but they have made some changes, such that you can absolutely set it up now so that when you spend on your CC, YNAB accounts for that against the category.

            I’m not saying this as a reason for you to change what you are doing (it works for you), but just as a counterpoint to anyone considering starting YNAB now.

          • emeralds

            I put everything on a card. FWIW, I find the current version much more intuitive with cards than the previous one.

        • Anon

          I had to do a couple of the webinars to make the YNAB method really click for me. I totally get why some people are not going to do that, but giving it a couple of tries was really worth it for me. So, here’s a plug both for YNAB and the tutorials they have. They also made credit cards a little easier and more intuitive to keep track of.

        • cbackson

          +1 I put all my spending on a credit card for miles/points and I found YNAB to be far more complicated than it was worth. It always seemed to double-count so it looked like I was spending tons more than I was. Too much effort for me – I just use a simple spreadsheet now.

      • Anonymous

        Another vote for YNAB, absolutely. We would not be where we are financially without it.

      • lsw

        I agree, YNAB is the only thing that has actually worked for me. I’m a convert. Mint was basically useless for me.

    • Anon

      I know Mint and Personal Capital are good because they track your credit card spending yourself, but my husband I had better luck with goodbudget, were I manually enter all my payments. I do it right when I make the purchase, and there’s something about physically entering the data in myself that makes it more real to me. The way it works is you set up envelopes and each month they get “filled” with how much you’ve budgeted for them, and then whenever you make a purchase, you log it and it detracts the amount of the purchase from the relevant envelope. So we set our budget, made our envelopes, and have improved our savings drastically ever since.

      • Funny Money

        Hopefully, I’ll get to the point of reliably entering payments. I just know that I need as little legwork as possible for now

      • anon

        Ynab has manual entry too, for exactly that reason, although I think a lot of people rely on the bank download instead.

      • Ribena

        I use Goodbudget too – it works really well for me. I log spends on credit card as if they were from my current account, so I never have to worry about whether I have enough in my account to cover the credit card direct debit (autopay)

    • thehungryaccountant

      NerdWallet has a free app and a handy interface online. You can do budgets, spending reports, debt payment plans,
      as well as see your retirement savings/investments. I think you would be able to add your husband’s accounts as well.

      I’d start with NerdWallet or Mint before spending extra on YNAB. Sometimes just seeing all your spending in one place works!

      • Anon

        +1 I would start with a free version. You may ultimately want to upgrade to a paid version but for a lot of people just seeing everything laid out in one place does the trick.

    • Equestrian attorney

      Honestly, I tried Mint and found it didn’t work for me, especially as concerns credit cards, so I ended up doing my own excel chart. Once I found a template that worked, it isn’t that time consuming (I update transactions once a week). I have a shared account with my husband as well as a personal account for non-shared expenses and several different types of savings with different institutions, so Mint just wasn’t tracking everything properly and I spend more time re-categorizing everything than I spend doing my own chart now. Just throwing that out for those who don’t like apps – there are other ways to do it, and coming up with the template then filing things per category really forced me to be more mindful of my spending. I also like to see my whole year on the same excel chart – makes it easier to compare.

    • Anonymous

      Here is what I do — auto-pay right after I get my paycheck (if I can’t get my work’s direct deposit to send the $ to a pay-to account directly, which you often can) what I want to go to debt / savings / etc. I only get a small amount in the account I can use with my debit card. Nothing is optional or discretionary (unless I change the payment instructions or amounts). I just don’t think about it.

      I don’t have the patience to deal with apps and programming in things. I keep it simple b/c simple works for me.

      • Anon

        Same. I have my own budget spreadsheets but this is generally what I do as well, just paying the savings etc first then the rest is everything else and is what I need to work with for food etc.

        OP you mention using one credit card, usually your credit card’s website has a feature that will show you a pie chart and amounts that you spend on various categories that can broadly help. We look at the last year’s category spend and divide it all by 12 to come up with what we actually spend on a monthly basis, to decide what amount of predetermined savings is realistic. The categories aren’t perfect, but keeping it simple and effortless like this (the credit card algorithm does the work) is just more sustainable for us. Granted this doesn’t help you think about every time you buy a $15 salad since you’re not writing down anything at the exact time, but if you are generally on top of what your post-auto-savings account has in it and how long it will be til that gets replenished, that might serve as a natural way to keep you on track.

    • CPA Lady

      I track it by hand on an an excel with tabs for categories. It is not nearly as time consuming as it sounds, and it makes me really aware of each transaction. If you’d like I’d be happy to email you the excel.

    • Anon

      I really like Everydollar. It is a zero dollar “bucket”system so every incoming dollar has to be allocated and then is tracked. It autopopulates your spend when you put in your card information (only log-ins not card numbers) and you just drag and drop them/select the appropriate category when you have time (I do mine daily at the end of the day, takes around 5 minutes)

      • +1

        We started using Everydollar shortly after going on the Dave Ramsey plan.

        We only have a couple of student loans left and a smidge of my car! I recommend both.

  4. Anon

    I’m having a hard time avoiding sun exposure. I wear SPF 50 moisturizer on my face and SPF 30 or 50 sunscreen on my neck and chest on normal days, but I still feel like I get a lot of sun in those areas (despite not being that outside much on work days) and I feel inflamed/burnt even when there isn’t some huge flaming sunburn. I also wear a baseball cap a lot and I feel like it really helps to keep the sun from hitting my skin, but it doesn’t cover everything and I can’t wear it to work all the time. I don’t usually like crew necks because they feel tight in the neck, but I wonder if I should start wearing them more because of the sun exposure in that area. Does anyone have any other tips? I would also like to know how to prevent the backs of your hands are getting sunburnt when you wash your hands a lot. How is sunscreen supposed to stay on?

    • Anonymous

      I would start by trying a mineral based sunscreen, if you aren’t already. I keep sunscreen in the car for the backs of my hands.

    • Cat

      Your level of sensitivity seems unusual to me if you are feeling inflamed on a day you spend only a few minutes outside (even if you weren’t wearing sunscreen at all and were wearing nothing more than a tube top). Have you discussed this with your derm?

      • Anonymous

        Lol no if I wore a tube top with no sunscreen on a sunny day, I’d be pink in under 15 minutes. Some people burn really easily. It’s a thing. Good for OP for being proactive.

        • Anonymous

          No no OP is wearing sunscreen and still thinks she’s getting inflammation. That’s different.

          • Cat

            Yeah sorry I was just emphasizing my point in a clunky way. The OP says she feels burn-y even (a) wearing a shirt and hat AND (b) wearing sunscreen AND (c) even on days she’s outside for only a few minutes at a time. That sounds very extreme to me.

    • busybee

      To be honest, I think you might be overthinking this a little? If you’re wearing SPF and a hat, you’re fine. A small bit of sun exposure is not harmful, and avoiding the sun entirely can lead to vitamin D deficiency. Do you have a condition that makes you extremely sensitive? You are not likely to sunburn your hands on an average workday if you’re not working outside.
      I am not a dermatologist but I am fair with a family history of melanoma and have spent a long time talking to my derm about sun exposure.

      • Anon

        I mean, maybe I’m overreacting? If I wait outside for the bus in the sun for 10 minutes on a hot day, my chest remains hot to the touch and looks a little pink for hours after the rest of my body has cooled down. My hands are less likely to get burnt on an average day, but I hiked for two hours between 8 and 10 am on Saturday (partially in the shade) and they got burnt yet again. I wasn’t wearing sunscreen on my hands, but I did have a hat, sunglasses, a long-sleeve shirt, and sunscreen on my face and neck. I am pretty outdoorsy and I think I just need to commit to ALWAYS wearing long-sleeve, high-necked shirts because that exposure plus the daily exposure when commuting seems like too much for my skin these days.

        • Anon

          Some people flush easily and take a long time to cool down. Sounds like you’re one of them (I am too). That’s not sun damage, which takes hours to appear. If your skin is looking pink while you’re outside and immediately after you came inside, that’s a reaction to being warm. And totally possible to flush from exertion (even light exercise like walking) even if the temperature is mild outside. True sun damage appears hours after you’re in the sun and won’t be gone until the next morning at the earliest.

          • anon1

            +1. This does not sound like sunburn, which would tend to show later. Try looking up rosacea and see if the description resonates. Note saying it is rosacea, but flushing due to heat/cold/wind/irritants is characteristic of that condition.

          • anon1

            Also, try a mineral sunscreen in the areas that are flushing. My rosacea acts up when I use non-mineral sunscreens.

    • Anonymous

      Light linen scarf to wrap around your neck/chest area and a broader brimmed hat. You can find something that provides more coverage than a baseball hat but doesn’t scream ‘beach vacation’.

      Also, make sure you are applying enough sunscreen. Most people don’t use enough. I have no idea about the hands thing though.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Are you on any medications that make you more sensitive to sun exposure? Or do you have allergies?

      I feel like I burn at the mention of sunshine, but what you describe seems unusual enough to merit talking to your doctor.

      • Anonymous

        I was going to suggest this. I was getting sunburns on the backs of my hands when I took Aleve everyday for a year due to migraines. The Aleve made me photosensitive.

    • Anon

      I have adopted the crew neck for the summer and pretty much have to stick to it. My chest gets way too irritated even if I have sunscreen on it.

    • Anonymous

      I went with a mix of tops with high rounded necks, and tops with collars like polos and classic blouses. I carry a travel size tube of sunscreen and reapply on my hands.

    • Anonymous

      Are you sure you’re not having a reaction to your sunscreen? Some sunscreens make me feel burn-y, even when I don’t get much direct sun.

      • Anon

        That’s what I was thinking.

        OP I have sensitive skin and can only handle physical sunscreen (zinc oxide and titanium dioxide as the only active ingredients.) Tarte makes a good one – Tarteguard- which you can get at Sephora. Or for more coverage, like your whole body, take a look at baby sunscreens at the drugstore. I like Aveeno’s version but Coppertone has a good one too.

    • Anonymous

      For hands – I like Supergoop’s SPF hand cream. I reapply each time I wash my hands.

      I’m a big fan of UPF clothes. I have a couple of Wallaroo hats based on recommendations here. I love the UPF tops from Athleta – they’re lightweight so I’m not sweltering on a warm day, the neckline is a crewneck (which I usually hate) but it’s a soft material so it doesn’t bother my neck, and the long sleeved versions have thumb holes so they protect your hands a bit too.

    • Anon

      Do you wear a waterproof SPF? A waterproof sunscreen should stay on through normal handwashing. We have to wash my daughter’s hands when we take her to daycare and I asked her doctor if we need to reapply SPF to her hands right after and the doctor said it was fine as long as we use a waterproof SPF and aren’t deliberately trying to scrape the sunscreen off. It’s recommend to reapply sunscreen every couple of hours though, so I would definitely put some on at work before commuting home.

    • UHU

      I went to school with a girl who was allergic to the sun. As an adult woman she continues to take medication (in addition to SPF, shade, and clothing protection). I suggest seeing your GP to rule this out, or in, and perhaps determine if you have any allergies or if it’s a reaction to another condition (or medication you may be using). A wide brim hat/panama hat may be just the thing to keep you more protected and look more office suitable/do less havoc to your hair.

    • Anon

      What you wrote sounds like a sun allergy. I have this on my chest and insides of my arms as well where regardless of sunscreen the sun causes irritation to the top layer of the skin and takes hours to recover (it feels hot, looks rough and pink, and if you press on it it bleaches just like sunburn – though unlike sunburn the skin doesn’t usually feel dry). It can certainly be made worse by wearing chemical sunscreen because now you have two irritating items affecting the skin. This is what I do: 1. Always carry a light silk scarf that I will tie with the point in front over my chest any time I’m out for more than a few minutes 2. Hiking, I’ll wear a button-up shirt with just top button on (covers the chest and still feels cool 3. I commute in a light utility vest that zips all the way to my throat. Feels cool, looks fairly stylish, easy to remove and store.

    • anon

      You may have a) general skin sensitivity, b) sun allergy, c) starting rosace, d) experience the thermic effect of sun exposure (heat). It would be worth to discuss with your dermatologist, to have clarity and also to prevent any future damage.
      Since you mentioned you have irritation also on areas not covered by sunscreen, I would not suspect sunscreen allergy, but I would still try a different product, that would offer you a better protection. First check what type of filters your sunscreen is using and then try a different one (this may be problematic in the US, bc you don’t have that many choices as in Europe, thank FDA). I would also prioritize wearing a wide-brim hat and a lightweight big scarf to cover your neck and chest area, while you are outside. A light scarf will disperse the UV, but also will provide some shade and help prevent your skin from overheating. You can add more calcium (as a food supplement), in general, it helps with allergies. Lastly, is it possible you are using retinoids, topical acids or perfumed products that may be irritating and leave your skin more prone to irritation?

    • Anon

      Thanks everyone. It looks like a visit to the dermatologist may be in order. I don’t use retinol or anything like that, but it does look like I may be unusually sensitive.

    • Anonymous

      Responding late but hopefully OP will see! I’m very careful re: SPF and my usage is what a lot of people would consider overboard. But, this is what works for me. Every morning I layer a tinted mineral SPF (Skinceuticals Physical Fusion) first, and then a chemical SPF on top (Canmake UV Mermaid Gel). I use a lot, 13 generous dots of each all over my face, and then a similar amount for my neck and any exposed areas (chest, arms, legs). I don’t wear face make up and reapply throughout the day, every 2 hours using a gel spf. I treat SPF like lip balm in that I stash one everywhere, every purse, car, my desk, home, etc. I like Biore Watery Essence and Nivea Sun Protect Super Water Gel for reapplication. On really sunny days or days where I’m outside a lot, I wear a UPF 50+ hat from Coolibar hat for extra protection.

  5. lobster please

    It looks like I’ll be in Portland, ME for a meeting in October. I’ve never been to Maine before–is it worth taking a personal day to explore the area? If so, any suggestions for what should I do? I like being outside and eating tasty food.

    • Equestrian attorney

      I really like Portland ME and spend a lot of time there. There have been a few posts in the past on this site which you could search but yes I recommend taking at least a day. Lots of awesome food, cute walkable downtown with some good independent boutique shopping if that’s your thing, and pretty costal scenery.

    • In-House in Houston

      Yes, I loved Portland, Maine. LL Bean’s corporate HQ is a short drive from Portland and they have a great October festival with tons of local vendors. We just lucked out last year that it was going on at the same time we were visiting, so look it up. LLB had a huge sale but the local vendors, music, food was the best part of it.

    • Not a Fun Guy

      Yes, I love that area! “Old Port” is the cute downtown area with lots of great bars, restaurants, and shopping, but some of the neighborhoods like Munjoy Hill that are a 20 minute-ish walk away are great too. I recommend brewery hopping if you like beer. To get out of the city a bit, try looking into the “Mail Boat,” which is what it sounds like… a boat that delivers mail and acts as a ferry to the islands in the bay, but you can also just ride it round trip for like $5 and it takes a couple of hours, if my memory is correct. Favorite restaurants are Silly’s and Novare Res, but you in my experience you can’t really go wrong. Vervacious (spice store) is also surprisingly awesome.

      Haven’t been there personally, but you could check out the 24-hour LL Bean flagship store in Freeport if you can rent a car.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to these recs. I strongly recommend tacking on a day because Maine is awesome. Don’t check out the LL Bean unless you really like shopping — and even then the options are much better in the Old Port area. If you’re there on a weekend and don’t feel like getting out on the water, I’ve seen people enjoying a guided brewery bus tour that could give you a chance to see a bit more scenery without a car. October in Maine can be tricky – it could be 75 degrees and sunny or it could be 45 and rainy– either way, there are fun things to do in Portland itself.

        If you do have a car and are interested in checking out a classic vacation town, Kennebunkport is cute and should still have stuff going on in October.

    • Anon

      If you have a car, go to Two Lights in Cape Elizabeth for your lobster. It’s on a rocky point near a lighthouse and stunning. Just a shack, nothing fancy, but very Maine and very delicious.

    • tothenth

      Another lobster roll suggestion – Bite Into Maine – which is a food truck by Portland Head Light. Great food, scenery, and a some nice walking paths. I think they are open through October.

  6. Anonymous

    Can a relationship work without serious physical chemistry? I have met someone with whom I connect deeply intellectually and emotionally. We are both trying to push it into the romantic space, which was always the expectation, but it doesn’t seem to have any momentum. We are both in our mid-40s and have both been single for a good while – much longer for me, he’s a few years out of a divorce with little dating since. I would have thought that would speed up the physical, but it’s been the opposite. Nevertheless, we can’t seem to get enough of each other’s minds and conversation is incredibly easy.

          • Anonymous

            It was okay but not great. Not very intense, but nice. I would try again and see, for sure. The additional closeness I want is driven by emotional connection, not physical, which seems like a good thing, but is unfamiliar to me, honestly. And he seems to either have zero game or be not that into me, but I can’t tell which, esp given what he is communicating verbally.

    • January

      I don’t know the ultimate answer to your question, but given your description, I think I would continue to enjoy the friendship for now.

    • Anonymous

      You’re both probably out of practice and nervous with initiating and moving things along. When I met DH, I was totally uninterested in him as anything other than a friend for like a month -6 weeks until got to know him and then it was like 0-100 on the chemistry scale once things did turn physical.

    • Anon

      You could continue to see him and the physical may grow slowly over time as you know him. Attraction and feelings develop uniquely for every relationship. I’d just take it as slowly as feels natural, don’t force it. And if the *exual part doesn’t ramp up, then it looks like you’ve just found a deeply compatible friend but may be confusing it for romance because he’s the opposite *ex.

    • 780

      I don’t know that a relationship can work long term with physical chemistry, but I am a firm believer that physical chemistry can develop over time. Part of this is that I’m the type of person who ends up developing feelings for male friends, as I find people more attractive once I know and like their personality. There are few men I have physical desire for after the first meeting/without knowing them better.

    • anon

      For me personally that answer is no, but everyone is different. I would continue enjoying each other’s company. Intellectual and emotional connections are so valuable and harder to find as we get older. You never know what might evolve organically. Also, what physical contact have you tried? Sometimes that’s what it takes to flip the switch.

      • anon

        +1, I tried to make it work with an ex (in my 20s) with whom I had great intellectual and emotional chemistry, but I literally felt nothing for him in the physical realm. We stayed together for three years and in the end it couldn’t work because no matter how much I liked him and his company, the physical part didn’t follow. Maybe I’d feel differently now in my 40s, but for me, in general, physical attraction needs to be there at the start. It doesn’t tend to develop over time.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I think you should dive in and be intimate with him. You don’t really know until you try.

      • cbackson

        So I see people give this advice and I am super curious about it because for me, with the way I’m wired, it absolutely would not at all work to be intimate with someone that I didn’t feel chemistry with. Like, if I don’t already have a level of physical attraction (which for me, comes with emotional connection), any level of s*xual activity would be uncomfortable and unenjoyable. But I’m curious about how this works for people who suggest this – do you find yourself becoming physically…interested during said activity if you haven’t felt a physical interest in the person beforehand?

        I know this may sound like a ridic question but it’s so far outside how I work that I literally don’t understand what the experience is like for people from who it *does* work.

        • Anon

          You know how sometimes it turns out that you don’t have great chemistry with someone that you’re initially attracted to after all? The opposite can also happen. Someone who seems kind of meh may be great hands-on. People have all sorts of different talents or weird hang-ups that reveal themselves through physical contact. I’ve definitely had situations where I’ve realized that someone isn’t a great match after being intimate and have had an experience where things turned out to be unexpectedly amazing. It’s not just physical, I think it reveals sometimes hidden elements of someone’s personality.

      • Ellen

        Yes, if he is otherwise so good, then you really should just go for it. I suggest you bring him over to your apartment and cook him a wedding chicken, which is not hard to do, then after you open a bottle of wine, see if he takes the lead. Remember to wear a light blouse (no bra) and if he is to bashful to make some sort of advance, then it is fine for you to “accidentaly” spill some water on your blouse, and then take it off quickly in front of him. It has almost always worked for me, and is a lot more discrete then other tricks I’ve learned from Grandma Leyeh to snag your man. If it does work, I can guarantee you will be spending hours in your bedroom making up for all of the time you’ve just been thinking of him haveing $ex with you! Good luck! and Have FUN! YAY!!!

    • anon

      You should listen to some Dan Savage- the answer is yes, if neither of you care about gardening. If you both do, or one of you do, you will probably need to make allowances to get the need filled elsewhere (which totally works for some folks).

      • Anonymous

        Your advice is well-taken, but one thing I know about him is that this is absolutely not an option.

    • Anon

      For me, no. And I also think that is true of men more than women (going by the love languages, where they say a majority of men have physical as their love language.) The physical is what holds everything together when life gets tough – and it will get tough.

      • Really?

        Lol what? I really disagree that it’s the physical part of a relationship that holds things together when life gets tough.

        • OP

          Yeah, this response surprised me, too. I was definitely thinking the reason to keep working on this is that the emotional and intellectual connection feels like a glue that could keep the relationship going in a way I haven’t experienced before. Physical connection has been important to me in the past, and I’ve really never had to even think about it, but I turn away when I see a couple in a movie or TV show engaging in sadness or grief $ex or even mutually consensual anger $ex because it seems so unrealistic to me. Do people really pacify each other’s emotions with $ex the way it is sometimes depicted (like immediately following a significant loss)?

          • Anon

            Yes. I mean, I didn’t make this up. “Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together” has been an expression for longer than I’ve been alive.

            When times get tough was in my mind a reference to marital disagreements. If you don’t have a physical bond with someone and you’re in a moment (which will inevitably happen) where you’re so upset about a disagreement with your partner that you’re also not feeling an emotional bond, what is left? It’s why you hear about “dead bedrooms” as a thing that leads to divorce. Even religious philosophy talks about the holy union of a sexual relationship. Come on, this is not new!

          • OP

            Your personal perspective that $ex is the most important aspect of a marriage is useful, but your condescending tone really isn’t and is not warranted. I’ve never actually heard that expression. I am certainly aware of the “dead bedroom” issue, though I’ve never heard that expression, either. And I don’t give much credence to religious philosophy, particularly given how misogynistic religions are. I really am just wondering how long to let this play out and whether to push it into a physical realm based on our stated agreement about intentions, or whether to let it die on the vine if we’re not there now. I know I won’t find a definitive answer to my own relationship issue here, but it’s useful to hear opinions/thoughts from others (including you).

        • Anon

          good sex = oxytocin = bonding
          It’s not completely insane to think of sex as relationship glue.

          • Anon

            No one is saying it’s “insane” to think of it as bonding. But there are a lot of other things that also release oxytocin. What I and the OP are saying is that we don’t necessarily think of it as THE SINGLE thing that holds a relationship together, especially during hard times. I’ve been through a lot of hard times in the past year (death of my father right in front of me, job loss) and none of them have been an aphrodisiac. In fact, my drive was lower than ever in the wake of those events. So…yeah…I don’t really think physical chemistry is the necessarily the gold standard glue for tough times.

          • Anonymous

            Agreed. Everyone is looking for something different in a relationship (this is part of why it is luck to find the right person who matches with you), but for me physical intimacy is the glue that holds the relationship together. And, frankly, the idea of having sex with someone that i felt no chemistry with is repulsive. The attraction, the connection, the intimacy, the tenderness, the excitement, the understanding–all of that is part of sex for me, and there is no way that i would give that up in a relationship. Good sex is a way to be close to someone that is unique that that person, and that has been the “glue” which has gotten me through some rough patches in relationships in the past.

        • Anon

          For me it’s not and my husband is the same way. Physical intimacy is important and neither of us would want to be in a relationship without it, but it’s not what’s held our marriage together in the hardest moments. And there will be times – especially if you have young children – when you won’t have physical intimacy, at least not the same way you’re used to, and you need to have something else that holds you together.

          • Anonymous

            No kids involved, which is part of the reason why I am excited about the possibility of this level of intellectual and emotional connection. There wouldn’t be a family to bind us in any way. (This is getting ahead of the situation a bit.) But we enjoy each other’s exclusive company a lot, have many (but not exclusively) mutual interests, seem to share life experiences and life perspectives, and can think of hundreds of topics to discuss with each other in the future.

    • Anon

      I’ve been wondering this myself. I’ve been seeing a man who is as charming, kind, and thoughtful as he is handsome. Also a very good kisser. We gardened for the first time recently and it was just not good. While we had connected very well on an emotional and intellectual level, the physical chemistry inside the bedroom was completely lacking.
      I don’t wish to repeat the experience at all… like I’m not sure if the gardening will get any better. He’s continued to express romantic interest but the bad S has made me re-examine our relationship.

  7. Anonymous

    Weird question but does anyone do competitive ballroom dance? I’m just getting into it and would love to devour a blog or a forum or something kinda like here with lots of comments, and my searches aren’t finding anything.

  8. Design help -- exterior colors

    Aiii — I tree hit my house (craftsman house with asphalt shingled roof and then painted shakes below it). I need to re-roof and then replace/repaint the damaged shakes.

    Roof singles now are dappled and shaded (not a solid flat color). Prior roof was flat medium-dark gray (facing west, so probably better to go lighter now). SW Grizzle Gray is the shingle color next to the roof (other siding is SW Passive, that won’t change). Shingle paint color could go lighter if roof goes lighter.

    Is there a website or an app or something where I could play around with how this will look before committing? Is it the realm of the roof shingle people or the paint people or designers/decorators? Kinda missing renting right now . . .

    • AnonInfinity

      I tree hit my house last year, also a craftsman with asphalt shingles. I’m not sure about apps or anything, but I called a general contractor who did a lot of this type of work in my area, and trusted him and his roofing people to make sure it looked good. I’m not sure what color paint/shingles they chose or what was originally on the house, but you couldn’t even tell work had been done on it when they were finished.

    • Anon

      Try googling “exterior home visualizer” — Menard’s has one for roofing and siding and there are other ones out there where you can upload a photo and then change the materials/color.

    • anon

      My brother has a graphic design company and I asked him to overlay paint colors onto a picture of our house- I think he finds his people through fiverr and other such companies… it cost like $50 for a tooooon of variations I sent him.

  9. Anon

    how far back to long term disability insurance companies typically look when deciding coverage? We wanted to get LTD insurance a few years ago, but DH was taking a mental health related medication and was offered coverage that wasn’t worth purchasing. He has now been off the medication for over a year. Are we likely to have better luck now? How long should he be off before we reapply or can we never reapply?

    • Anon

      I work in insurance…it really depends on the company, the condition he’s taking medication for…there are so many factors in play and each company evaluates them differently.

      It’s likely that you could apply and get approved with an exclusion for a condition, but again, different companies have different criteria.

      I’d find an insurance broker and have them look into coverage at different companies and how you’ll be considered at each. Just because one company rules you out, doesn’t mean that all of them will.

  10. Mask

    I’ve never really been big on skin stuff, but I’ve got the house to myself tonight and thought I might like to try a mask. I guess I’m mostly interesting in anti-aging, brightening, and improving tone (39 and very fair, if that makes a difference). Suggestions for ones that are good, inexpensive, and (most importantly) likely to be available at a well-stocked grocery store?

    • Scared

      I hope this doesn’t come off snarky, it’s really not but do you really not have time to do a face mask unless the house is empty? I ask because DH and I might TTC some time in the near future and stories like this scare me off. I feel like I’m going to just snap and abandon my family to live in an Arizona commune one day if kids are really so demanding that I can’t do a 10 minute mask (assuming a messy mask so you can’t multi-task too much) unless everyone has disappeared.

      • Anonymous

        Please chill a little? She didn’t say “I have no time to do a mask unless the house is empty.” She said the house is empty and I feel like doing a mask. You can do a mask with kids if you want to.

        And she’s looking for grocery store masks so your suggestions are off.

        OP- I like peach slices and the say yes to . . . Brand, both of which I can get at the supermarket. But honestly just browse and pick something that seems nice to you!

      • anon a mouse

        Every family is different, but I generally wouldn’t do one unless the house is empty. Of course mine are more like 30 minutes, not 10, and kid’s sleep is just disruptive and unpredictable enough that I can’t guarantee a 30-minute stretch of quiet between 8-11. (Most times it happens, but there’s no guarantee.)

      • Edna Mazur

        I do masks when my young kids (3 aged five and under) are home. I’ll put it on when they are in the bath and take it off after I get them in their pjs or do it while they are playing. They think it is funny and they don’t really touch my face when it is on. Everyone is different but I can definitely move around a bit with any kind of mask I’ve tried. I never would have thought I could only do that with an empty house. Painting my nails on the other hand was substantially trickier. It’s gotten better now that we are out of the baby phase but I still occasionally have to start over.

      • Anon

        You can absolutely do things with kids. You can’t do everything, you’ll need to prioritize, but you can for sure pick one hobby and stick to it, and have time to devote to it every week. As the kids grow a bit, you can add another.
        Signed, mom of 2 kids, 2 busy corporate careers, strong physical/fitness type hobby that I have kept up (and attained a couple of milestones in/bettered my prior record about 3 times), I added reading back into the mix as kids got older. Tradeoffs: I completely cut down watching TV for about 2 years in favor of sleeping, and couldn’t do additional fitness other than my one hobby. I also had to give up “fun” cooking/baking activities and outsourced a lot of chores.
        It’s totally doable. You just have to pick one or two things, and they may change as kids get older.

      • Airplane

        I’m with you. This and the fact that ONLY my single/childfree girlfriends can ever take trips anymore- not even an overnight or weekend trip closeby is managable. I think it’s just different priorities. I want to be able to put a face mask on without waiting for everyone to be out of the house, wear a silk dress on a normal summer night in a rooftop bar, etc. I don’t want to buy a face mask from a grocery store instead of Sephora or spend my weekends at Target / taking kids to activities.

          • Airplane

            I didn’t say anyone did? I’m responding to Scared because she had a real question and it’s a real concern, as illustrated by the OP. Like I said, it’s a matter of priorities.

        • Mask

          You’re certainly welcome to your own priorities, but I’ve gotta say, not being able to get to Sephora to buy a face mask is literally not something that ever crossed my mind as a burden that I carry as a result of having kids.
          (I could go to Sephora, but I don’t want to make another stop. That’s not on the kids; it’s just inconveniently located and I’d rather go home. And I’m cheap, and this is not something that’s a big deal for me. Jeeze.)

        • Anon

          This is definitely not always true. I am taking a weekend trip with 10 girlfriends. Half of them have kids, half do not. Maybe my friends just have particularly awesome husbands, but childcare has not been an issue at all.

      • Mask

        I mean, I certainly could if it were a priority to me, but I know it would involve a billion questions and my husband would make fun like crazy. Like I said, this isn’t something that I’ve ever really been into doing, even pre-kids.

        With that said, I know that at this point (kids are 4 and 6), my weeknight evening routine is pretty tight – the kids want me to play with them (and I want to make time for that) in pretty much any moment that I can, and there’s dinner and bedtime routine, then I watch a show with my husband – getting home about 6:15 means it’s pretty hard to fit in any extras there. Again, I could do it if it were a big priority, but I generally wouldn’t. I love having kids, and they won’t be this demanding forever, but there are definitely things that you don’t do anymore. Most of those things are things I don’t miss, though.

        • Anon

          Your husband would make fun of you “like crazy” for doing a face mask? Yikes.

          • Mask

            You’re not familiar with the idea of people teasing each other good-naturedly but in a way that can weary? Yikes.

          • Anon 2

            I think it’s “but I know it would involve a billion questions” part that seems yikes. A mask can take as little as 10 minutes and I think this is a bit much.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Scared – it does not have to be like that. I have a kid with significant special needs and I still am me, pretty much just as I was before but with even better organizational skills. I am a litigator, take foreign trips with my girlfriends, wear fancy dresses for rooftop cocktails, get my nails done and have never missed a shower. Ignore the naysayers – just be sure to have kids with someone that understands that self care is a non-negotiable for your health and mental wellbeing and you will be just fine.

        • Triangle Pose

          I would like to hear more about this, how do you balance it? Do you and your SO both work full time, have non-negotiale self care blocks of time, including overnnight trips away from the rest of the family (whether it’s golf, training for a marathon, foreign trips with friends, etc.) Do you throw money at child care, have family help, household manager? How does special needs play into it, is there financial assistance, someone to help your child in a way a typical child wouldn’t?

          • anon0321

            I’m not never too many shoes, but I do have 2 small children and also have never missed a shower (also no family help nearby!). I think the key to this is 1- yes, having a great husband (I tell him when I’m going to be gone- about 1-2 evenings a month (for self care or to meetup with friends), and a weekend a year for a girls trip (also lots of work trips where he is the main parent). He’s not as interested in going out without me, but he of course could if he wanted to, and he never gives me a hard time about it, 2- having really good childcare options (for us: full time daycare 6:30-6:30, we don’t normally use all those hours, but they are there if we need it & a couple of local teens that we trust as well), and 3- deciding that all of everything doesn’t need to get done all of the time (if the dishes pile up because we are tired- that is ok, I’d rather rest, take a shower, or watch tv).

    • Scared

      Oh, and to answer your question, if you’re near a Sephora, I love any of Peter Thomas Roth’s masks. If I have time I’ll do three – either Peter Thomas Roth’s Irish Moor mud mask or a clay mask for drawing out impurities (I make my own with Aztec Secret Bentonite Clay and ACV – both available at Walmart or Target), Peter Thomas Roth’s Pumpkin Enzyme Mask for exfoliation and brightening, and the Peter Thomas Roth Rose Stem Cell Mask for hydration, calming, and cell repair after the enzyme mask.
      If you can only choose one – do the Pumpkin Enzyme Mask and follow with a slathering of aloe vera gel to calm the skin back down, remove and moisturize well (I like to use a couple drops of rose hip oil as my nighttime moisturizer)

    • nutella

      Anti-aging, brightening, and improving tone are a bit of a tall order from a grocery store without knowing what you have, so I’ll just suggest honey. Specifically, expensive Manuka honey if you can find it at your grocery store. Then get some epsom salts for a bath and enjoy. The Roc line, Olay Regenerist line, and Weleda Skin Food are all fabulous grocery store staples, but I don’t use a mask from any of them, so if you want to add a retinol or moisturizer after your mask, check those out.

    • Delta Dawn

      My favorite drugstore mask is by Freeman, the “anti stress” one in a teal bottle with a coconut on the front, I think. You can get a single use pack, but the whole bottle is less than $5 so not a big investment. The mask is green, so to the other poster’s question about not being able to do a mask while your husband and kids are home– I mean, I could, but then I have to answer a zillion questions about why is Mommy’s face green, convince the smallest baby that I’m not a monster, etc. etc. So yes, if you’re TTC, you’ll have time for things like face masks, but you may not want to do them for other reasons.

      • Anon

        Don’t forget about overnight masks. The Neutrogena Hydro-boost one that comes in a little cup is gooey but wonderful. For a Sephora option, try Fresh Rose Deep Hydration Sleeping Mask. My face is destroyed from recently upping my Retin-A prescription and either of these help a lot.

      • Law mama

        “Convince the smallest baby that I’m not a monster” gave me a good chuckle.

  11. Anonymous

    Tipping question. I’ve been going to the same hairstylist for 10 years and I’ve always given her a nice tip. She just told me she’s opening her own salon. I’m so happy for her! I know that you don’t usually tip business owners, though, so I’m wondering if I should tip at my next appointment? It strikes me as odd to pay her less than I’ve been paying for 10 years but I don’t want to offend.

    • NYNY

      I managed a hair salon years ago, and can tell you that about half of the owner’s clients tipped him. Since that’s not very definitive, why don’t you ask her? This is business, and a change from what’s been established, so it’s an excellent time to talk about the cost of her services.

      • Cat

        +1 — ask “will you be introducing new pricing now that you are the owner? Would be happy to pay an all-in fee rather than service + tip.”

      • Anon

        I would love a final ruling on this. I see a masseuse who is in business for herself on a monthly basis and have always erred on the side of tipping 20%, even though she is the business owner.

        • NYNY

          You know, the lack of clarity may be due to changes in the standard business model over time. It used to be that the “owner” owned or leased the salon, and everyone working was an employee. Those owners were receiving payments on each service performed in the salon and paid out a portion to the staff. Now, the “owner” is frequently someone renting a chair in a salon. So she technically runs her own business, but isn’t benefiting off of anyone else’s work.

    • SC

      A couple of years ago, my long-time stylist opened her own business and rented a pod in one of those salon suites. She did not raise her prices when she moved, and I also felt weird paying her less than I’d paid for years. I ultimately decided to keep tipping/paying the same because she needed the cash more than I did and I wanted her to be successful (I love her but disliked the previous salon).

  12. Anon

    How do you deal with the formation of a clique at work?

    Recently found out that a few female associates from my firm have been having regular lunches together. It’s a small firm, so me and another minority woman are the only ones at the same level who have not been invited. We are also the only non-white female associates, whereas everyone in this clique is white. I’ve tried dropping by their offices and asking them out individually to lunch, but they still seem very distant to both of us. This seems to be a relatively recent phenomenon, and only started after a few of the more mature attorneys left the firm, so now we are the only ones left. I’m trying to not let it get to me, but it’s starting to feel a little like high school all over again. How do you recommend dealing with this situation?

    • anon

      I’m really sorry; this is hard and I want to validate that this is NOT all in your head. I’ve experienced it myself. Adult cliques still hurt! The antidote is usually finding my own people who value and appreciate me as I am. Even if it’s an eclectic group of individuals rather than a tight tribe. I would not try to break into the existing clique; it’s usually not worth it and you’ve already reached out.

    • cbackson

      So first off, I want to validate that this sucks and of course you feel excluded (because you are being excluded). When I joined my current firm I was definitely not part of the social group of women associates in my practice, and it wasn’t fun – and I didn’t have the additional factor of being a minority woman. Ultimately that problem solved itself because they all left, so I didn’t have to figure out how to address the situation.

      How senior are you all? How long have you been at the firm? And is there a more senior woman (a senior associate or junior partner) that you have a good relationship with?

    • Anon

      I’ve been there (also a WOC attorney) and some people are just like that, they for whatever reason only seem to be able to form close relationships with people just like them. When this happened to me, I asked myself – does this affect my work or personal life in any way? For associates at my level, the answer was no. Did it make me feel excluded? Yes. Did it matter? No. The partners liked me and although the clique members weren’t very friendly they treated me no better or worse than a cordial work relationship, so I had to reframe the situation and now don’t much think about it.
      I still try to connect individually with them every once in a while but only as much as I would with any other attorney – grab an afternoon coffee, stick my head in to see if they want to join for lunch if no one else is in the office (this happens on Fridays a lot), and “how was your weekend”water cooler chat.

    • ArenKay

      This seems just as much about unconscious racism as it does a clique to me; these women maybe just do not think about WOC as folks to socialize with. Which really stinks . I’d be inclined to make one generic attempt (i.e. email all the women and propose a group lunch on some date), and if that either doesn’t happen or dynamics do not change after, just focus on forming your own group (start having lunch with the other excluded woman, and maybe a few of the men at your rank). Solidarity is a good thing. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

    • anon

      Honestly? I’ve gotten to the point where I can ignore this type of thing. I’m there to do a job and as long as I can work with them if necessary, it’s not a big deal if I don’t go to lunch with them.

      • anon

        +1. This is where I ended up as well (also a WOC). I just accepted that I was going to be part of the “popular group” for whatever reason and decided to treat my job like a job (do my work and go home). It worked out much better for me than trying to insert myself into the clique (not saying you are doing that at all – just what I had tried to do and it totally failed).

      • Anon0321

        I’m not even a woc and this is where I ended up too. I like a lot of the people I work with and enjoy spending time with them when appropriate…. but they aren’t my friends and crossing that line has gotten me into trouble in the past (ex I gave a co-worker advice on how to get promoted. I followed my own advice, she did not… I got promoted, and she hated me after that). Professional and friendly is good enough for me.

    • Ariadne

      I can relate to this as there has been a clique like this where I am which has lasted over ten years — and the clique has accepted new members as people left, but never me. At first, I was hurt and felt excluded. Then I found my own colleague to have lunch with and we are still good friends even after her retirement.

      The clique still talks about going for lunch or what they did in front of me and others, and I stay civil, touch base, but at the same time stay neutral because I know that while they will remain professional, they will never invite me unless they have no other options. I think there are some people out there who only want to be surrounded by others like them and feel uninterested in expanding their social interactions— maybe it is a comfort / or trust issue for them — whatever it is, I find it best just to focus on socializing with others and avoiding overtures towards them. For example, I actively sit next to other people at meetings, etc.

    • Anon

      I don’t know if this is helpful, but have you considered trying a ramping up approach (i.e. swinging by and asking if one of the women you want to spend more time with is free for a quick walk to grab a coffee or a snack in the middle of the afternoon)? Or alternately, doing the same with the men you work with?

      I’m one of those people who never scheduled a full dinner as a first date with a man or woman when I was dating, preferring to start with a drink or coffee because it was lower stakes/time investment, and as a corollary I personally tend to view actual sit down lunches as only a thing I do when it’s either billable or with actual friends. If I’m not billing lunch or actually getting a break with someone who’s already a friend, I’d rather work through lunch hour and get home to the kids sooner, so a lunch invite is a bigger deal than a quick coffee break. On the flip side, I’ve definitely used a series of “quick walks/coffees” as a way to ramp up to lunches/BD events with partners that I wanted to get to know.

  13. NYNY

    Has anyone had kneecap revision/partial knee replacement? I’m getting an MRI this week, but x-rays indicated that one of my kneecaps has no cartilage left. I had arthroscopic surgery on the kneecap cartilage many many years ago, because it was shredded and catching in the joint, so I’m not totally surprised. Not totally sure of the course of action yet, but I would love to hear stories of how the surgery and recovery went, how long to take off work. TIA!

    • Daisy

      My mom did–she was very nervous to do so but the doctor told her she should, and I think she’s very glad she did. The recovery was not as bad as she thought though I don’t recall the specifics. Good luck!

    • Anon

      Following. I’m having lots of knee problems and putting off going to the doc. I’m only 37 but my mom had osteo arthritis in both knees and needed them both replaced. I didn’t know cartridge was visible from x-rays. I was putting off going because I thought I would need an MRI and I already have a bunch of other medical stuff going on this year. I don’t want to add on anything optional.

  14. anon

    I’ve been under severe work-related stress for several months now, and I’m starting to fall apart. Yesterday I took a 2-hour afternoon nap — and still went to bed at 7:15 p.m. I slept hard for 10 hours and am still tired today. I usually work out in the mornings and I believe it’s contributing to a) not getting enough nighttime sleep; and b) these days, it’s wearing me out rather than giving me energy. I’m kind of at a loss for what to do. I think my stress has been going on long enough that it’s turning into depression. I’ve been going to a therapist every 2 weeks. It’s been somewhat helpful, but it hasn’t helped me as much as I expected. :( My nutrition seems … fine? I could always do better, of course, but I’m not terribly off-track. No weight gain or loss to speak of.

    How do I get myself out of this funk? I took a vacation about a month ago and while it was fun, it was physically strenuous — lots of activity, plus I didn’t sleep that well the entire trip. Can anyone relate to these feelings of not being able to catch up on rest and recovery? I feel like I’m always “on,” at work and at home, and it’s taking a toll.

    • Anonymous

      Stop working out? Maybe a walk after dinner would be more conducive to rest. Def tell your therapist that you’re struggling but also you just sound exhausted so try for two weeks to do whatever you can to prioritize sleep

    • JazzyRose

      Therapy should be once a week. It sounds like you might need medication to combat depression related tiredness. Definitely see a psychiatrist.

      You could also stop working out in the mornings or switch to gentle yoga.

    • Anon

      You need to take a break from working out. Try some gentle exercise (like a walk or a 10-minute yoga video) for a week or two and you’ll feel better.

      (I say this because I assume quitting your job isn’t an option. If it is, I’d do that unless the stress is truly temporary/unusual).

    • Anon

      I’ll go against the grain here and say that you should still work out. I’ve been in your shoes before and I find working out is my best way to manage my stress and also have a physical hobby to break up the mental load of work. I would, however, say that if you’re exhausted in the middle of the week, maybe only workout every other day and then use your weekends for long runs, full hour classes, etc. for after you’ve been able to sleep in. My worry about the morning workouts when you’re exhausted is the risk of injury. Therapy every week could help and perhaps your therapist can help you determine if anti-depressants are a good option for you or if you can cope with things with certain kinds of therapy better. For longevity in the day, I’d focus on taking a mental break for lunch like actually eating outside in a park or going for a walk in the afternoons. You can also look up foods that give you more energy, teas like rooibos, and trying to avoid sugar which can give you an up and down. B & C vitamins are great too when you’re under high stress.

      • Triangle Pose

        I agree. When I have severe work stress, not working out has always made me feel worse. For me, it always results in eating unhealthy foods as a coping mechanism which compounds my body not feeling well from lack of exercise. I think work is your problem, is there a way to tackle that? Is the stress temporary, for a project or just long burn stress?

        • anon

          It’s both. I’m on deadline for a big project but have been short-staffed all summer. And, my boss doesn’t seem to realize that even when I can outsource certain parts, I still have to *manage* the work and provide feedback! I have been job searching but that, too, has been a long game.

      • Inspired By Hermione

        I’ve found that goal-based workouts can help me feel more under control and force some motivation. If I’m already down and I can’t bring myself to do a big full workout, I just feel more like crap.

        I really like StepBet. It’s low key “exercise” (just walking) but it gets me out and about and I have the motivation of hitting my steps each day or I lose $40 or whatever the bet is. They have RunBet, too. There’s a bunch starting today and next Monday!

        I also like challenges, either self-set (“barre on demand 20 times in 30 days”) or at a studio.

        I also agree about therapy once a week.

    • anon

      I have been in exactly your shoes before! Making time for workouts is one of the things I will NOT compromise on, and I find that I really do need my time at the gym to feel 100%, but it got to the point where I was a complete disaster–crying all the time, panic attacks–and frankly needed sleep more. Ultimately I took a week off working out and allowed myself to go to sleep early and sleep as late as possible, then slowly started doing a few workouts a week to get back in the swing of things. Although sometimes I still feel like I will never feel well-rested again, weekly therapy and medication also helped immensely. You’ll get through this!

  15. Zojirushi vs Yeti Coffee Mug comparison data

    Because coffee mug recommendations come up all the time in the comments, I’m hoping you all find my Yeti (20 oz Tumbler) vs Zojirushi (16 oz) coffee mug comparison useful as I now have data from both last year’s polar vortex and this summer’s heat wave. Background: I gave my husband one of both for Christmas. I was betting he would like the Yeti better because the Z has to be taken apart and washed by hand. Nope, he has abandoned the Yeti after trying both. We both got into actually testing our subjective impressions just for fun.

    Summary: If you want your liquids to stay hot or cold for a really long time and have small hands, get a Z. If you hate fussing with hand-washing and drink your coffee or tea fast, get a Y. Under real world drinking conditions, the Y dropped 34 degrees over half an hour, the Z dropped only 11. During the polar vortex, the Z kept coffee drinkably warm after sitting in the car outside overnight. The Z usually keeps ice solid in my cold brew overnight – yesterday I stuck it on the porch from late afternoon overnight and while I didn’t have solid ice left in the morning, it was still the temp of ice water. Midwest location, included in all extreme cold and heat events.

    If you have small hands, the Yeti feels awkward to pick up and handle. To get a secure grip on it, I had to pick it up lower down and then it felt top heavy.

    Zojirushi downsides: Doesn’t go in the dishwasher, to clean you must disassemble/reassemble. Needs a brush to really clean thoroughly — I have the OXO water bottle brush set. Reassembling it carelessly can lead to user error = leaking. Not good if you are assembling and pouring coffee into your holder in a semi-conscious state due to insufficient caffeine. On the other hand, I test it now by holding it upside down before I throw it in my bag and it does.not.leak when assembled correctly.

    Car Cup holders: Y’s are kind of fat. Z’s are tall and skinny. YMMV. If you have a German car whose designers have a Teutonic disdain for anything but a hand on the wheel and one on the gear shift and therefore don’t care about well-designed cup holders, both Y and Z are problematic for various reasons.

    How did I test which holds heat longer? Used my Thermopop instant read thermometer, my Nespresso machine, and my phone timer while lying on the couch. Did not test cold capability in Yeti since we’ve abandoned it and I don’t think the particular design would perform well after all.

    • Friend

      You are delightfully nerdy. I am sipping coffee from my Z right now and yesterday filled my Y with beer and took it to the park to read in a hammock. It stayed cold and looked inconspicuous. Thermoses have come a long way.

    • Ms B

      Seriously, need a like button here for posts like this one! Great info, thanks!

      PS – Loved the line about disdain for the in-vehicle beveraging!

    • Anon0321

      I don’t have a z, but splurged on a y for my husband and I as new parent gifts to ourselves and I love love love it. It keeps ice cold drinks ice cold even when I leave it in the car all day.

    • Anon

      I love my hydro flask. There is nothing like spending 8 hours out in the sun, and still having ice cold water. Glad you found something that works for you.

  16. Strappy wedges for outdoor events?

    My beloved strappy wedge sandals have finally bitten the dust after 10 years of wearing them to every single dressy outdoor event from graduations to weddings. I need new ones. Ideally about 3″, comfortable enough for dancing and chasing children but reasonably dressy and can be worn outdoors without sinking into the grass. The ones I’m replacing are black, but I could entertain other colors. Anyone have a favorite pair that fit this bill?

    • Inspired By Hermione

      Sofft. I have a style it doesn’t look like they make anymore, but the Innis looks similar. They’re comfortable for walking and standing and can be dressed up or down. My mom has the same pair as me in a silvery brown color that is pretty; mine are black.

    • Veronica Mars

      Sam Edelman Stacie sandals. So cute and comfortable! I wore the gold ones to a wedding and was dancing all night.

    • NYC Girl

      Stuart weitzman mid-hight block heeled sandals. They make a few different styles that might work for you. Not cheap, but mine have all held up for years.

      • Anonymous

        I just googled this and they are $398. They look identical to the shoes I am wearing today from Target $29.99. I know they are not anywhere near the same caliber of product but when block heels go out of style next year I will throw them away and get the new in style sandal.

    • Another anonymous judge

      I feel this is a unicorn shoe after having to dispose of my Born strappy wedges this year. Following with interest!

    • Ariadne

      The naot pixie sandal—I’ve tried them on and they are super comfortable. I have not yet purchased, but thinking of doing so as my only remaining pair of two inch wedge heels now give me major foot pain. Will invest in these, or a pair of one inch block heels I saw somewhere at a store near me.

  17. anon

    Reposting as I came to late for weekend discussion:
    If you could take a 6-month sabbatical at work, what would you do?

    • Anonymous

      I would spend 2 months getting everything in my life in order. Personally, I need those 2 months, but YMMV. Then I would travel to places far away that really can’t be done easily in short periods and engage in some adventures that would give me confidence and create sticky memories and good stories, maybe for 3 months if I could afford it. Then I would take a month to delve into studying areas in my work where I feel deficient or out-of-date so I could be more productive on my return.

    • Anon

      More information about you and your situation would be helpful. What a single person can do with 6 months will differ greatly from what a mom of two under two can do with 6 months. What a mentally exhausted person with an 80 hour workweek wants to do with that time will differ greatly from what a high school grad will do with their year off.

      Personally, I’d spend two weeks organizing my home, three with my out of state family, two months on vacation, and another two months studying for an exam I’ve been putting off.

      • anon

        Looking more for general inspiration, because most of the time, I hear the same responses from people (travel, study languages, professional training) and I just wonder if anyone has done/would do something I have not thought of.
        For all it matters, single, no commitments, no burnout, my household is perfectly decluttered (after several international moves). Travel, taking up an intensive language course and maybe do a short training on e-commerce & digital marketing, maybe yoga teachers training would be on my list. Potentially taking the time off to kick-off a start-up with a friend (these would be a second sabbatical, though). Thanks for all ideas so far.

        • Dahlia

          I would just take the chance to live a slower life for a minute. Rent a place somewhere beautiful and quiet near the ocean. Maybe paint. Maybe write. Walk into town every day and sit and drink a real coffee in a real mug. Meditate. Garden. Grow my own food, and then cook my own food. Feed the birds. Go for long walks. Think. Pray. Read.

          It all sounds very cliche, but I think its cliche for a reason?

    • Anonymous

      Visit my home country for four months. My family immigrated here when I was very young and I’d love enough time to go back and really explore, versus just visiting family. And I’d spend two months exploring Greece. It nourishes my soul.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Probably two months just catching up on things I need to do that never seem to get done (making picture albums of trips, cleaning out closet, decorating living room, getting my yard how I want it, etc), 2 months of traveling, and 2 months of doing whatever I want during the day. Oh how I miss the 3 months of nothing but pool time and reading during summers as a kid.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Oh, and while I would probably use a month of the travel just for fun destinations, most of my friends live in other states/countries, so I think I’d take the other month just to go visit friends I don’t get to see much.

    • I did this

      I took a seven month career break. I traveled internationally the whole time, except for a week on each end. It was the best experience of my life and I was so sad when it was over. In retrospect I should have left more than a week between leaving my job and leaving the country (I was also moving, and it was a VERY intense week), but other than that I wouldn’t change a thing. I was single and 32-33 when I did it. If I could do it again now, I’d probably do a month-long staycation first to explore my current city and get my life in order.

    • Anon

      I would travel. Probably spend 2-3 months in Australia and New Zealand hiking, snorking, and maybe learning to surf. I would probably spend the other 2-3 months either exploring Asia or in South America learning Spanish. Come home about 1-2 weeks before I return to work, to settle back in.

      Personally, I know that I wouldn’t get stuff done around my house, so I would have no desire to stay close to home. I’m a government employee, and did nothing productive during the 45 day shutdown earlier this year. Regardless of whether I told myself I should do x, it didn’t happen. So, I wouldn’t want to wait any of the time around my house.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I would go to China for some kind of intensive language immersion.

    • Anonymous

      I took 6 months off 10 years ago. I took a couple of courses (cooking and mindfulness), did some volunteer work at home, spent 3 weeks at a healthy retreat type place at the beginning, trained for a 42 mile two day walk and took a big trip at the end, that I combined with some volunteer work. Loved it all.

  18. Anon

    Another sunscreen question: does anyone have a rec for a moisturizer with mineral (not chemical) SPF? Does such a thing exist? I use and love ThinkBaby SPF 50 mineral sunscreen when I’m going to be spending time outside, but I don’t need something so heavy when I’m just going to be commuting and in my office (I commute by car and my car is tinted). I currently wear an Aveeno moisturizer with SPF 30 on my face, upper chest and hands daily. I like it, but it has oxybenzone and I’m looking to get away from that if possible.

    • anon

      Try Hada Labo Premium White or some other Japanese or Korean day moisturizers. Often, they are mineral sunscreen-based. I have been using La Roche Possay and Bioderma with mineral filters, but I prefer Daylong (Cetaphil) SPF50 for face (they have cream and gel), which is chemical. I ordered Hada Labo and am patiently waiting for the delivery. You may want to check Dr Dray on YT, she has a dedicated video addressing mineral sunscreens with some good recommendations.

    • anon in brooklyn

      I like the Eucerin one. It leaves a slight white cast, but I’m pale, so it doesn’t show on me.

    • Anon

      Not a moisturizer, but Coola makes an awesome BB cream with mineral SPF that feels much lighter going on than ThinkSport (which I love).

      • Digby

        Thank you for saying this, Anon at 2:19. I was going to recommend Coola as well, but since I’ve recommended it several times here recently, I was thinking I should give it a rest. But it is a great BB cream.

  19. Kayla

    What do you do on the weekend to make sure you feel refreshed for the week?

    I feel like I’ve has some weekends where I’m not busy at all, but I still don’t feel rejuvenated for the week. And it’s not my job – I have a really cool but somewhat stressful job. So I need to the weekends as a reset, but I’m definitely not dreading Monday’s

    • Ribena

      I like to spend some time on Sunday afternoon cooking something good for the soul and preparing the next few days’ lunches. And seeing friends.

    • Disconnect

      Look into “secular Sabbath.” I disconnect from social media, consumerism, TV once a week and do things that I loved as a child–being outside with my dog, reading, dinner with friends, making and eating favorite/decadent foods.

    • anon

      I feel most refreshed when I change the environment – go for a hike or for a short city break. Chillin at home (however I enjoy it while doing it) never feels me fueled for next week.

    • Anon

      Same thing happened this week to me. I find that I have to have a plan for something fun Saturday that involves getting out of DC and into nature (hiking, a county fair, etc), where I’m really out of the usual realm of errands and Netflix or I feel like I didn’t have a weekend at all. (Our Sunday is reserved for church, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.)

    • Anon

      Counterintuitive, but I come in more refreshed and rejuvenated on Mondays when I have done fun stuff all weekend. Since I’ve realized this, I try to (1) do laundry and cleaning on Friday nights, when I don’t feel like going out anyways, (2) plan at least one big fun thing every day, and (3) worry less about getting grocery shopping and cooking done on Sunday, and doing more of it during the week. If I spend the weekend around home, which inevitable ends up with me watching too much tv, I just don’t want to wake up and go to work on Monday morning.

  20. TodayIsTheDay_Maybe

    My daughter starts middle school this year!?! I am taking her on a Mother/Daughter weekend before school starts, and I would love to give her a book or two during the trip to help her during this transaction. I want to let her know that I will be her for her during these tumultuous years or at least I am still cool enough to know what the kids are reading these days. Y’all have the best recommendations and I was hoping you could help me out. Fiction, non-fiction, biography, really anything that either helped you in middle school or you wish you had read.

    • anon

      No book recommendations and I am certainly not an expert but at the same age I sent my daughter to middle school with the reminder that she gets to decide exactly who she wants to be. Although she can certainly make adjustments over time, deciding who she wants to be as specifically as possible will help guide seemingly inconsequential every day decisions. Later, I saw it guide her through course selections and turning down a few late night social events the night before her big sporting events.

    • Anon

      I think Meg Cabot books are fun and generally have positive messages for teens. The Princess Diaries, All-American girl, etc. They sometimes deal with more mature topics but middle school is the right time for that in my experience.

      • Anon

        I remember reading the Princess Diaries and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in middle school thinking they would be like the movies and being totally unprepared for the amount of s exual content. I think those are better for preparing for high school than middle school, but it probably depends a lot on the individual kid and how sheltered they are.

    • Anon

      I loved all of the American Girl nonfiction self-help style books at the beginning of middle school, especially the Care and Keeping of You (which was invaluable when I had a question about hygiene or puberty and was too embarrassed to ask). There were books about all sorts of topics that weren’t necessarily relevant when I first read them but that I would go back to whenever an issue came up like a friend’s parents getting divorced or having a massive acne breakout before a big event.

      There was a series of fiction books beginning with Amelia’s Notebook that were styled like the journals of a girl named Amelia who was starting middle school. Those books helped me to visualize and mentally prepare for middle school. I also loved the Winnie Years series (which I think has 3 books where the main character is 11, 12, and 13) and the Alice series (a bunch of books starting when the main character is in 6th grade and going all the way through high school).

      My BFF in middle school had a subscription to Discovery Girls magazine, which we pored over endlessly. It had lots of shorter articles and stories about all the random things that suddenly matter in middle school–clothes, crushes, hairstyles, friend conflict, managing your own homework, having more serious hobbies, keeping organized, sports getting more competitive, etc.

      Something less fun that was also useful to me was having my own set of reference books. I had a dictionary, thesaurus, Spanish-English dictionary, math reference, and ELA reference. Middle school was when I started having assignments that were more independent (e.g. “write an essay about __” instead of “let’s walk through this essay step by step in class”) and having a colorful, age-appropriate book that walked through the steps of writing an essay or explained how to use commas gave me more confidence than working off of the teacher’s instructions alone.

  21. Anon

    Any academics here? If you have children, were you offered/did you take a tenure clock extension? Were you then forced to go up for tenure later than you otherwise would have? Husband is an assistant prof who would ordinarily be going up for tenure this coming year. We have one child and he took a tenure clock extension when she was born – it was presented to him as optional, eg. this will give you extra time if you need it, better safe than sorry, etc. His publishing and external funding record is outstanding and far surpasses the average candidate who goes up for tenure in his department. However they’re telling him that they don’t normally put people up early, and so he has to wait until next year. But it’s not really early now, it’s on time. It’s only early because he took this optional extension. If he hadn’t taken it, he’d be going up this year (by necessity) and everyone (through the dean at least) agrees he would get tenure. I don’t think there’s really anything he/we can do about it, just feeling frustrated that something that was presented to him as something that could only help him is being held against him. Curious to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

    • anon

      I work in a public academic institution and see negotiations around these matters regularly. Sometimes it takes noise about leaving (i.e. having an informal offer in hand or expressing a strong interest) or a conversation about “accelerated career progress” to make things happen. In our School, accelerated career progress has more to do with extramural funding than anything else since we are predominantly a research institution.

    • anon

      It sounds like he opted into taking the extension back then and would now like to change his mind in light of his excellent record and not wait any longer for the tenure decision. I completely understand that he’d prefer the peace of mind of getting tenure sooner. The university sounds like it’s your typical beaurocratic institution without much agility. Without a threat to leave, there is probably not much to do other than wait. As a tenured professor, he then has more leverage to advocate for more flexibility in the tenure process.

    • Another anon

      At my institution, when your child is born you register for the option to take the year extension, but you’re not held to that decision later on.

  22. Tipping at hair salons

    How do you tip at hair salons? I took a vacation day Friday to knock out a few personal errands, had a partial foil, cut and blowout. The total was more than usual ($215 instead of the usual $175, probably bc I had highlights and lowlights applied, and my hair is longer than it used to be). I handed my regular stylist $25 in cash before checking out and then realized it was very low as a % of the total bill. It took 1.5 hours in the SEUS if that matters.
    As I think about it, I also tipped $20 for my daughter’s haircut & blow out with the same stylist recently. The total bill was $65 but it took a little over an hour. I usually tip $100 for my last service before the holidays. I realize that I tip more on time than the total bill and probably should adjust. What do others do?

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