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New company Jordana Paige caught my eye a while back because I know folks are always on the lookout for quality vegan bags; here the bags are made from “vegan faux crosshatch leather.” The company was nice enough to send a bag to me, and I liked the material, the shape, and all of the smart little details — the front pocket detaches to be a wristlet; the interior has a divided pocket, the bag has feet, etc. The dark green is a really nice neutral, but it's also available in gray, a brownish rose, and lavender. The bag is $159. Jordana Paige ‘Cora' Tote
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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Emma
I’m looking for some ideas about bridesmaids’ gifts. I don’t think I want to give out jewelry to wear on the wedding.
My “maids” are all in their 30s, and things like flasks or satin robes just wouldn’t be quite right.
Has anyone given / received / thought of bridesmaids’ gifts that you’ve really liked? Maybe something on the unexpected side? Also, if it matters, I don’t mind being a little crafty.
Maddie Ross
Honestly, the best gift I ever got was my b-maid dress being paid for by the bride.
Hildegarde
Yes, I think paying for the bridesmaid dresses is the best gift you can give.
KT
+1000
Emma (OP)
In my situation, that wouldn’t be appropriate. We’re a tight group (mostly family), so we’ve been each other’s bridesmaids in the past, and each time we pay for our own dresses.
Plus, personally I’m not really in a position to do that, financially.
Still, great suggestion!
lawyer/atty
+ a million. I truly cannot stress this enough.
Walnut
Is it too late to pay for their dresses, travel costs or salon appointment? I covered dress, hair and nails for my bridesmaids. I also bought earrings that were a classic look, but not expensive enough for anyone to feel bad about never wearing again if it wasn’t their taste.
New Tampanian
One of the ideas I had on my pinterest board, I let my best friend borrow for her wedding a couple years ago. She got these really cute, clutches from etsy and filled them with day-of-wedding necessities: small pack of tissues, mints, lip gloss, etc. The clutches were really cute and I use mine to this day.
Sydney Bristow
This is what my friend did for us recently. She got us tote bags that I have used regularly since the wedding. Ours included tissues, water bottle, snacks for later, small bottles of booze, and scarf in the wedding color that coordinated with our dresses. It was really great.
Edited to add: Don’t fear getting each bridesmaid something different. Sometimes the group is full of people that are so different from each other that you’ll never be able to get everyone the same, perfect thing. I was a bridesmaid once and the bride bought each of us a unique piece of jewelry that really fit our personal styles. They weren’t to wear for the wedding but were just gifts.
CountC
If you can’t afford to pay for their dresses, what’s your budget for gifts?
Emma (OP)
Up to about $50 per person. I want to do a gift, not a service.
A little more explanation – – In my situation, my parents are paying for some of the girls’ dresses and hair, based on who needs the help. And honestly, I know this goes against a lot of advice, but I’m planning on doing my own makeup. So, professional makeup isn’t really “on the table.”
CountC
Hmmmm, if I were a bridesmaid a Visa gift card for $50 would probably be the best thing if I had to pay for my own dress. It’s not creative, and not personalized, but I have too much stuff as it is and I am not a person who likes that kind of stuff. I’d rather be able to offset the cost of the dress. Not very “sexy” in terms of gifts, but I am a practical gal.
What are your bridesmaids’ styles? Perhaps a gift basket with a bottle of wine they each like and other consumables? That gets tough though if you have people who have particular food preferences, etc.
AIMS
A nice wrap? I feel like no one likes to spend money on that for themselves and those $5 street corner “pashminas” always look like a wrinkled mess 5 minutes into wearing them and we all have weddings and events and air conditioning/winter to deal with. You can get something nice at Nordstrom and it will be useful for most people or will make a nice regift. You’ll never please everyone, so I’d go simple, not overthink it and write each one a heartfelt note about how much you appreciate her in your life.
L
So I couldn’t do dresses (not because of $ more because of ‘tradition’ if that makes sense). I paid for hair and made each of them a really nice basket. Treats, bath stuff, champagne, a nice note and a small piece of jewelry that I thought each of them would like.
Anonymous
I’m paying for all of mine to get their hair and makeup done and I bought (reasonably priced) earrings, bracelets and necklaces for them to wear at the wedding
Anonymous
none of these are actually gifts- these are all things for your wedding. Please people- give a bridesmaid an actual gift. Dont say here are my requirements for the wedding and Im going to pay for them (although if you are requiring hair and makeup done you should be doing that anyway). No more robes, no more chinzy necklaces that all match.
Anonymous
Idk I think we are agreeing most bridesmaids gifts are throw aways anyway. Just because I feel the need to defend myself – I’m not requiring they get their hair makeup done but I made the appointment and am covering the cost so idk why they wouldn’t. And I bought them pearl bracelets and earrings and necklaces. I’m hoping at least the necklaces would be worn again. Brides can never win in these situations!
Anonymous
They can! Just look at this thread. They can 1) pay for the dress- people like that. or 2) You shop for them like its their birthday. That’s what I did. Over the course of a year I kept an eye out for presents for each of them in the $100 rage. You can win by not treating bridesmaid gifts like an afterthought
Anon
4:09 Anonymous–I’ve only been in one wedding, and the bride did exactly what you did.–pearl sets. It was 7 years ago, and I still wear the necklace and earrings all the time. I thought it was a wonderful gift and I’m sure your bridesmaids did too!
nutella
AMEN – they are not gifts. They are details you want for your wedding.
Katie
Wholeheartedly agreed – these aren’t gifts. I was once “gifted” a clutch bag to use the evening of the wedding that matched the dress the bride selected for us to wear and that I had to pay for myself. No. I don’t think that “counts”. The best bridesmaid gifts I received were a practical purse from a brand I like, and I once got a cookbook that I still use regularly. Doesn’t have to be expensive, but I’d much rather get something that showed a bit of consideration for my likes and tastes (since your wedding is all about YOUR personal tastes) and wasn’t the same cookie cutter gift as everyone else’s.
L
I’ll just chime in here. I think if you’re going to require (or suggest) that someone have X, yes you pay for it. I told my friends they could do their own hair and they all freaked out and didn’t want to, so I paid for each of them to get their hair done.
Anonymous
Okay you’ve given me something to think about (i guess). Although I don’t see how paying for someone’s dress (required for a wedding) is a “gift” suggested above but my suggestions of the other stuff is not.
Bmaid
You know, it is actually NOWHERE required that you have bridesmaids at all, let alone that they wear matching dresses of your choosing. If you are requiring a costume for your stage-managed wedding, then you must provide the costumes at your own expense. Otherwise, let them wear their own clothes!!!
Anonymous
::eyeroll:: you can also say no to being a bridesmaid. But, sometimes, it’s nice to do nice things for your friends that make them happy. This whole saying yes to being a bridesmaid but then bitching about everything is getting out of hand.
seven timer
Exactly. I trust that your friends already have wedding-appropriate clothing. As Bmaid says, you do not need bridesmaids nor matching dresses on those bridesmaids to be married. When I attend a wedding I am not a bridesmaid for, I wear a dress I own, jewelry I own, shoes I own, and do my makeup and hair. All appropriate for a wedding. Take it from a seven-time bridesmaid, I have never reworn any of the jewelry or any of the dresses required (or even “gently encouraged”) for the day. If you want to give someone a gift, give them a gift. If you want to require even more of your bridesmaids for day-of, then you should foot the bill or calm down knowing that your bridesmaids have their own personalities (that you should love) and will dress appropriately for your wedding day, even if that means one of them wears a pearl necklace and the another doesn’t.
Trish
lol! I have never been a bridesmaid. I am almost 50. And you are all making me glad. This is all so petty. My first wedding, my mom made the dresses. My second wedding, my maid of honor bought a dress she liked and that became the color of the wedding.
Anonymous
Its not required- let them choose their own! And its not really a gift either its just a better option than giving them jewelry that they have to wear for your wedding. Trust that they have their own jewlery.
Recent Bride
I gave engraved compacts and personalized stationary. Everyone really liked them and felt they could use them in their everyday life.
lsw
What about a monogrammed canvas tote from Lands End or comparable? You can also use one of the ubiquitous LE coupons to cut down on cost.
TBK
I did this (well, LL Bean) plus small monogrammed jewelry boxes. I had a bridesman in my party, too, and gave him a duffel plus a leather valet. (Not that you said you had men in your party, but in case you do, it works for them, too.)
Lorelai Gilmore
I did monogrammed jewelry boxes. I think people liked them!
Anon
I received an engraved silver jewelry box over ten years ago as a bridesmaid gift and still use it.
lucy stone
I did this. Totes from LL Bean and a Tervis tumbler.
Gail the Goldfish
One of my friends gave us a pretty mirror compact with our name on it (along with jewelry for the wedding, foldable flats, and a wrap) that I really like. Another friend gave us jewelry, but it was a different piece for everyone and not for the wedding, that I still wear at least once a week.
Cornellian
I just came on here to ask this question!
POSITA
What about a nice photo album for each? You can fill it in partially with photos of memories you share and include a note about making new memories together. I hate doodads and monogrammed stuff, but something with thought behind it would make me feel really valued.
Anne
I just got each person something they’d like (like I’d get them as a b-day gift, not all the same thing).
Killer Kitten Heels
I got each person a gift that I knew they’d like that was in my price range, no different than I would do for, say, their birthdays. I didn’t worry about giving everyone the same thing or coordinating things, and I definitely didn’t do anything “for the wedding,” since none of that stuff feels like a real gift, to me.
Cornellian
I have thought about going this route. I have appreciated gifts I’ve gotten as a bridesmaid/chuppah holder/etc but, honestly, didn’t need any of them. Maybe I”ll just set a price range and get everyone something in it.
seven timer
Precisely.
Anonymous
I gave Dogeared necklaces to each of my bridesmaids. They definitely have a big selection under $50. Their nice quality, they layer easily with other necklaces, and they come in cute packaging.
I also got them matching floral robes and flip flops. I got the robes cheap on Etsy. They looked really cute in getting ready pictures and it made it a little more fun. But I don’t know that any of my friends still wear them.
I also got them flip flops–inexpensive, and they threw them on for dancing.
Anonymous
I gave Kate Spade wristlets in different colors. I bought them all during a sale, so they were like $40 each. I also gave them a pashmina because my wedding was in October. They all used the Pashmina after the ceremony while helping with pictures since it got chilly out. I thought about including mini bottles of champagne, but then I had 2 pregnant bridesmaids…
Mischief managed
See, this is why having my brothers as my attendants rocks. I’m buying them their suit/shirt/tie/shoes, and giving them the gift of an awesome new brother. Win-win!
Batgirl
I’ll just say that I think it’s totally fair to ask your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses if a) you keep the costs reasonable, b) you have done it for them and/or expect that you will do the same when the time comes, and c) don’t require them to pay for anything else wedding-related (i.e. hair/makeup, shoes, jewelry, etc). That’s my take.
I gave my bridesmaids the pashminas that matched the dress (not really their gift) and cute pjs since I figured everyone can always use pjs.
anon
Best thing was a fleece — got it 8 years ago and still wear. Wedding was at the beach and it was chilly.
Anonymous
Belated, but I have mine overnight / weekend bags which they all use all the time. We travel a lot together (we’re in our twenties so lots of weekend trips, weddings, etc.). I gave everyone a different bag to try to suit their style (I.e. Different brands / sizes / colors).
Katie
I loved the gifts that the bride picked out for each individual and had nothing to do with the wedding. Something you would get them for a birthday or holiday that reflects the individual’s taste, not coordinating shawls that go with the wedding colors or jewelry (even if they’re each in a different color) for the wedding. I don’t want a photo prop as a gift, and there’s no way one gift in different designs/ colors is going to suit the taste of each of your bridesmaids. They’re your friends, so get them something they’d like :).
Anon
I hope this post doesn’t upset anyone who is TTC but I’m on the pill and haven’t had my “period” like I’m supposed to. I’m freaking out and am really hoping I’m not pregnant. I’ve been on this pill for 3 years and every month, the withdrawal bleeding has been like clockwork so being late this time is highly unusual. It’s probably too early to take a test but I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few days with this hanging over me.
Just venting I guess – I’m not really sure what else to do in this case…
AIMS
You can take the test as soon as you miss your period, even a few days before with some tests. I don’t think it’s too early. Go get a test tonight, breathe deep, and know that you’ll handle whatever you need to.
And fwiw, I was on the pill for years, was like a clock and once in a while this still happened to me. Just take the test.
Maddie Ross
Have you been stressed (more so than usual)? Gained or lost weight? Been seriously sleep deprived? These things used to impact me a bit when I was on the pill. Nothing causes your period to start faster than taking a pregnancy test and getting a negative result IME… It’s like my body wants me to waste money.
Clementine
+1 to this.
things that will also jump start it: wearing white pants, romantic beach vacations, having to sit in a car for 12+ hours with all men
CountC
Add finally being ready to have $ex with your new partner to that list . . .
AIMS
In your expensive, new lacy white underwear…
Rogue Banker
New underwear, the lighter color and/or more expensive the better.
Emily
+1 hahahaha, so true.
In 15 years of periods, I had rarely been late more than a day or two and when I was a first year associate, I was late over a week. Bought that test, used it, negative result and got my period the next day.
Nancy P
Has it been getting lighter and lighter over the last 3 years? This happened to me once after I’d bee on bc for years and years. I completely flipped out, especially since I has JUST gone through an awful breakup. Turned out the pill was just basically erasing my period.
BankrAtty
This happened to me after being on the pill for 10 or so years. The doctor explained that it was completely normal and expected. Kind of annoying, because I now pickup pregnancy tests with my Rx…
Anon
Take an early test and give yourself peace of mind or time to start planning. (My spot-on perfect pill use led to an unplanned pregnancy, and being neurotic about tracking meant I took a test and got a positive result 2 days after my missed period.)
Anon
Also – is anyone able to subscribe to comments today? The box does not show up for me…
Parfait
How about that, no subscribe box. boo.
Awkward
That awkward moment when you finally (gently) say something to the co-worker who came directly from the bathroom to get some communal food & coffee without washing hands. So, so awkward. Despite having been grossed out by this consistent pattern and stewing about it for months, it is now clear to me that the total awkwardness is one of probably many reasons to MYOB. Totally mortifying interaction.
Anonymous
How was that not clear before?? Of course you MYOB! you dont police other people’s bathroom habits. Of course they should be washing their hands but you SHOULD NOT BE TALKING TO THEM ABOUT WHAT THEY DO OR DONT DO IN THE BATHROOM
Awkward
It was a moment of weakness, I snapped! And yeah, you don’t police others’ bathroom habits, but you also don’t rummage for coffee and a brownie with your hands covered in whatever fecal matter and germs you picked up from the flush handle, the door handle, etc. while you were in the bathroom. So social norms are being violated all around here. I already confessed my guilt. At least my tackiness won’t spread food poisoning though!
Pretty Primadonna
I am not mad at you for doing this! Ew, how gross of our colleague.
Anonythis
You pick up germs from the door handle regardless of whether or not you wash your hands. You pick up germs from your desk. Who knows? I’m sensitive to that cheap mass-produced hand soap most public restrooms provide so I keep hand sanitizer in my bag, but I’d love for somebody to challenge me on that. MYOB, seriously.
Opppp
What did you sayyyy???? I always want to do this!
AIMS
Ha, now I really want to know. What did you say and what was the response?
Awkward
I just said “Oh I think you forgot to wash your hands before you grabbed that!” She turned completely red, stuttered for a sec, and said “yes I did, sometimes I don’t dry them though.” I have no idea what the latter comment meant, since we have paper towels, not a blow dryer. Maybe she doesn’t realize that (unfortunately) I can tell when the faucet is on because I SHARE A WALL with it and hear everything. The major awkwardness was just the face, though, and then realizing that there is nothing I could say back, no matter what, so I just giggled and said something like, I’m sorry, I’m so anal, blah blah
Snickety
So anal. Bwaahaha.
S in Chicago
You, madam, are my idol. Thank you for being brave enough to do what I can only dream of.
Emma
I love it! There’s one girl I work with who clearly never washes. There’s about 15 of us in my work space, and the bathroom door is within eye shot. She is in and out so fast that there cannot be time to wash. I just think . . . doesn’t she realize that we all know????
Anon Worker Bee
Maybe she thinks you all have enough work to do to be too busy to monitor your co-workers’ bathroom breaks?
Anonymous
Maybe she is blowing her nose? Checking her insulin pump? Good lord people
Susan
Perhaps she’s doing something else in the bathroom that doesn’t require handwashing? Checking her teeth, adjusting her bra, taking a pill.
Awkward
NO. Don’t you get it? It doesn’t MATTER what you’re doing in there. Once you’ve touched the door, that’s it! You cannot enter and exit a shared bathroom without touching something germy.
http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/post_flush.html
Anonymous
There are probably more germs on your computer keyboard than the bathroom
Anon
r u 4 real? If she just opens the door, by touching the outside, and then goes to touch her bra, is she contaminated?
I assume you’re one of those people who uses a paper towel to push the door to the bathroom open on her way out?
you really think that that communal coffee pot is that much cleaner? Or the printer? or the keyboard?
geeze, this level of germaphobia is the reason no one has a decent immune system anymore.
Trish
I would rather work with the other lady than you. We wash our hands after we eliminate waste. We don’t have to wash our hands every time we open a door. If I go in the bathroom to powder my nose, I don’t need you to be worried about the door handle because that is CRAZY.
CountC
Cell phones are disgusting too. Do you expect people to sanitize their hands every time they touch their cell phone? My goodness. Just don’t eat the brownies!!
I used to work with a man who didn’t wash after going into the bathroom. You know what I did about it? Avoided whatever communal food he had touched. Generally speaking, the communal food is never healthy/good for you anyway. So there’s that . . .
Awkward
Yeah for me, it’s matter of hearing. I mean, I hear everything that goes on in our one-person, unisex bathroom because my office is adjacent. It’s super awkward but I can tune out the bodily functions but I cannot NOT notice when someone doesn’t run water between flushing & opening the door. I know what the person was doing in there. And there’s just no way to be “too busy to monitor”— I literally cannot escape the knowledge.
Buckeyeesq
I find it personally disgusting (I’m sure there are probably very few actual germs involved) to flush a toilet in a restroom like that (where the toilet and the sink are in the same room/no partition/etc.) and then wash my hands. I always use the toilet, wash my hands, flush with my foot then high-tail it out as quickly as possible. That’s one possible reason for no running water between flushing and opening the door, and frankly I had always wondered if people outside thought I wasn’t washing my hands. Ooops.
Anonymous
ear plugs. headphones.
Anon
So, this might out me, but I doubt it. I play poker and one of the regulars (Player A) was almost kicked out of the poker room because he lost his $hit when Player B did not wash his hands before leaving the men’s room (they were in there at the same time) and returned to the table where both A and B were sitting. Cards and chips, as you might imagine, are eventually touched by everyone at the table. Clean hands in the poker room are part of the social contract, though I doubt thats what Rousseau had in mind…
Clementine
Okay, so I’ve been coveting a VitaMix for too, too long. We got one of the ‘supposed to be as good’ ones and it’s just flat out not.
My big concerns: I want something that can smoothly blend greens into a smoothie- right now I get chunks and it’s pretty gross. I also want something that can crush ice really well, and potentially make baby food.
Anyone have any positive/negative experiences with this? I’m planning on purchasing a refurbished one and make smoothies (and faux Starbucks frozen drinks) at least 3-4x/week, so I’m fairly sure that I will get enough use out of it to justify one.
Girl Friday
i LOVE my Vitamix! It’s a refurb too. It’s pretty much the one appliance we own that we have no regrets about buying. We use it at least weekly. Honestly, if I were disciplined/had time, I’d use it every day. The Frugal Girl has some tips and I think she makes a fruit/veggie smoothie every day from her CSA box. It’s amazing for just chopping veggies, making bean dip, making hot or cold soup, and even grinding grain to make bread (if you’re into that). I say, go for it!
Emily
About smoothly blending greens – Vitamix makes it faster and better, but you can do it with a magic bullet with some trial and error and planning (e.g. freezing your baby greens, then blending with other chunkier stuff. If you’ve been coveting the vitamix, do it. It’s the best.
As for refurbished, no idea.
I think that a magic bullet will be easier to make baby food since the vitamix makes a lot at one time, unless you’re wanting to make a ton and freeze them.
lsw
I want one so bad!!
century ride
I bought mine at Costco. I love it, and it has changed my life. I don’t know if you could make babyfood in it (is a processor better for that), but it will certainly crush ice and blend completely smooth.
Anonymous
Late response, but I live alone, no kids, so I bought the personal-size S30 Vitamix and love it. It’s so great for making smoothies, almond butter, dips, post-run slushies, almond milk-shakes, etc. The rep at SLT told me it has the same motor and abilities as the full size ones, it just doesn’t have the automatic menu of options or the bigger containers. She said it would be more than enough for someone like me who is making single/small servings and doesn’t mind adjusting the speed manually (for $300 less, yep, I can do that).
Anyone else?
I’m 29 and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and a half. As things get more serious, my Mexican/Catholic background is complicating things. My parents are very traditional and are averse to unmarried couples living together or going on vacations together. My boyfriend is neither Mexican nor Catholic and does not get the same pressure from his parents. His parents are totally cool with living together and traveling before marriage. Things between us are great and he is very patient and understanding. But he wants to take a vacation that is more than a long weekend and I don’t know what to do to make everyone happy. I don’t want to lie to my parents, but I also don’t want to break their hearts.
I know many of you are probably thinking, “You’re almost thirty years old, do whatever you want to do!” I think that too sometimes. But I am also sympathetic to my parents’ way of thinking and was very much raised to think that this is the way things should be. At the same time, I don’t want to waste my youth in an office and not traveling.
Has anyone dealt with this before? I’m curious to know whether I’m the only one out here dealing with this issue. I’ve tried to talk to my friends but none of them have the same cultural or religious pressures.
padi
I have dealt with this. I was raised in a strict Catholic home where pre-marital anything was strictly off limits. Then I became a lapsed Catholic and got a lapsed-Catholic boyfriend when I was 29 in an area with super high housing costs. We moved in together and my parents did not say anything.
I get the fear and the Catholic guilt-I had it too. I was super worried that my parents would never speak to me again. But those fears never came to pass.
My family had some drama in my 20s and we’ve each realized that being a perfect Catholic family isn’t really worth the constant condemnation of others. YMMV
I now have a different boyfriend and my mother is asking me when he and I are going to move in together!
Coach Laura
I was raised Catholic and totally understand your dilemma and I had the same problem before I married. In fact, I stopped “talking” to my parents for almost two years (my siblings were the go-betweens and I still showed up at Christmas, Easter and Mothers’ Day) because they refused to let me live my own life. I even remember the day that my mother said “You’re breaking my heart.” 30 years later, they’re still the same way.
Unfortunately, if they won’t accept it, I don’t see any alternative to lying or having them be unhappy so you get to pick your poison. Subterfuge – like inventing a female travel buddy – is unlikely to work. If you have an older relative who could talk to them, that might help. Explaining that you’re being discrete and serious about choosing a mate might make them happier but in the end they probably won’t change. Good luck.
lsw
My parents are very conservative (though not Catholic) and I was raised that way too. I was REALLY stressing when my SO and I moved in together. It made my parents sad (at least my mom, who sent me an email saying that she loves me and supports me but she’s sad I’m making this decision), but it ended up being okay. Of course, when I told my parents we were getting married, they were so happy they applauded, so I think they are really glad we won’t be “living in sin” anymore. Anyway, I was really freaked out about it but wanted to live my life, it ended up being okay, and my parents love me and support me even if I’m going a different way than they might have wanted me to go.
I would advise against lying or subterfuge because you will just stress yourself out.
Walnut
I dated my now husband for about seven years prior to getting married. We lived together for about half of that time. He’s atheist (and intentionally so) and I’m catholic.
First issue I had to get comfortable with was that it is completely against my catholic faith to live with someone prior to marriage. Eventually for me I stopped caring and the economics of living together won out. Also, it was important to DH to live together prior to marriage – which definitely has it’s merits.
When it came to telling my parents, I simply informed them casually during a regular phone call. Mom went ballistic and Dad gave me a lecture on how disappointed he was. I told him I was sorry that they felt that way, but that I was not asking for their input, merely informing them of what was going on in my life. I didn’t hear again from either of them for several months, until one day Mom decided she was over it.
I think the most significant issue for you is to decide what you are comfortable with. If you have a priest or other sort of spiritual advisor, I suggest working through that issue with them. Your parent’s reaction will probably be exactly what you expect, so plan for the fallout accordingly.
Anon
Maybe I’m the odd man out here, but do you really have to live with him? My parents were very conservative (though neither Mexican nor Catholic) and very anti-premarital anything. And you know what, we each had our own place though we spent the night together 95% of the time. Honestly, I liked having my own place and it made getting married special because we did get to move in together for the first time officially. As for traveling, I was open that I would go on trips with him, but I just didn’t ever mention where we stayed and my parents were kind enough not to ask. If t hey wanted to believe we got separate hotel rooms/stayed with friends, etc., I was happy to keep up the charade and they were smart enough to know not to say anything if they wouldn’t like the answer.
bridget
I’m with you. Having your own place – however used or not – is a great thing. It’s your space to have your friends over for a girls’ night, cry when your SO and you are fighting, or just hang.
Why the rush to move in together?
Clementine
Tell the truth. It will suck, but they’ll get over it. They raised a smart woman with good morals who knows how important it is to find a solid partner.
I’m the non-Catholic (although raised with a super Catholic grandmother) woman who ‘sullied’ the good son- the one who wanted to be Pope when he was 7 – by moving in together IN SIN. My parents who moved in after 6 weeks and are now divorced could have cared less.
There were tears (MIL), ‘I just don’t understand why you can’t wait until you’re married,’ (FIL), etc. Then, they got over it. When we got married a few and had a church wedding (we’re now Episcopal), followed by being happy, ethical human beings who care about them, they have now fully come around. I’m hoping that when we tell them they’re going to have another grandchild in a few weeks, my standing as favorite daughter in law will be cemented.
L in DC
Yes, I’ve dealt with this exact same issue (very conservative, religious parents) and I’m around the same age as you. I didn’t lie to my parents about traveling with my SO (and eventually moving in with my SO), but I also didn’t bring it up either. If my parents asked who I was traveling to x place with, I told them I was traveling with SO and then changed the subject. They told me that they didn’t approve and I just responded very matter-of-factly that I understood they didn’t approve and that I respected their views (and then I changed the subject). In my mind, “respecting their views” means that I avoid ever putting them in a scenario where they feel they are being asked to sign on to values that they don’t support. So, I’m not going to ask them to let us sleep in the same room in their house. And my SO has avoided coming on a couple family vacations where who-sleeps-where would have been an issue that we didn’t want to have to bother dealing with.
When I was younger, I would spend lots of time trying to explain my decisions, effectively looking for my parents’ approval. I eventually realized that was just making things worse. As long as you communicate that you’d like their approval, they’ll feel like they need to weigh in on your life choices. If you stop asking for their approval, they’ll stop feeling like they have to tell you how much they disapprove. (I still talk to them a lot about things that aren’t emotionally charged — like my job, books/movies, things that are going on in my life more generally, etc. — and that allows us to still feel close).
Bottom line though, you’re not going to be able to make your parents happy on this point. It’s time to start doing things on your own terms. Just be low-key about it and politely, lovingly avoid discussing your decisions. You can do this in a way that is respectful and adult and that still lets them know that you appreciate where they are coming from (and then change the subject!).
In my case, taking the low-key, discussion-avoidance approach actually took all of the conflict out of my relationship with my parents, much more quickly than I’d anticipated. It turned out that once I started acting like an adult (making adult decisions that weren’t open to second-guessing), they started treating me like an adult. I can’t encourage you enough to try this approach. It really did vastly improve my relationship with my parents, and ironically, while they’re not “happy” that I live with my SO, I know they’re happy that we now have a better relationship (we don’t fight, we’re happy to spend time together, etc.).
Anyone else?
I really appreciate each of these responses. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
A
Yes, everyone just ignores their parents. What do you think about it? Stop thinking about your parents. Or tell them that if the feel that strongly, they can pay for you to have your own apartment.
Anonymous
This.
Girl Friday
Am I the only one who doesn’t get the “vegan” leather obsession? It’s plastic – pleather. Remember when that was considered cheap/tacky? Maybe I’m too old.
AIMS
Yes, but sometimes there are ethical concerns that override “cheap/tacky” considerations. Also, I’d say fakes have come a long way and vary in quality substantially. Touch a Stella McCartney bag, you’ll be amazed.
NYNY
I understand the ethics, but I don’t feel like petrochemicals are much better, ethically. Ultimately, I’d prefer to buy less and use it longer than to buy plastic bags instead of leather ones. YMMV.
Anonymous
Totally agree. If ethics are a consideration, buy coated canvas or nylon. Most pleather is made with hazardous chemicals by migrant workers in Chinese factories with zero worker safety protections.
moss
yes yes yes!
Vegan leather
Still no one is being slaughtered and then hanged on your arm and carrying your cellphone.
It is possible to look good without wearing/carrying a dead body.
Emma
I am fascinated by the detachable wristlet! I love this! Are there any other brands like this or should I just spring for the one featured here?
Anonymous
Ted Baker had a bag with a little clutch that snapped on and off the outside perhaps 2 years ago. I was obsessed with it but never ended up pulling the trigger.