Coffee Break: Just in Case Voyageur Tote

151 Comments

1. I was late to this morning’s post and was absolutely disgusted by all the terrible comments about Simone Biles and her decision to withdraw from the team competition.

   Newsflash – athletes are not required to perform for you!

   Shame on everyone who said that Simone needs to just “suck it up and compete” or that mental health isn’t that important. Clearly none of you have ever been the very best to ever do it in your field AND be told that you every single day for 5 years, while at the same time having your extremely difficult skills devalued because you don’t fit the stereotype of what a gymnast looks like or performs like.

   And also, curious how yall have so much criticism for 2 Black athletes – Simone Biles & Naomi Osaka. Black athletes don’t have to “shuck & jive” for white fans, they have agency & are allowed to walk away if/when competing isn’t in their best interest.

   1. Some things are really unexpected, and maybe some people this morning reacted the way one might on an anonymous internet forum.

      It may be some sour grapes at work. How many times do we get told or feel that we have to tell ourselves, S*ck it up, buttercup. There are a few times in my life where I would have liked to just walk off and let someone else handle things (miscarriage, another miscarriage) and life just didn’t allow for that. I could have dropped the ball and I know that the world wouldn’t have reacted with understanding, a second chance, or any grace at all. I kept going when I felt I had to choice. I don’t like that. Sometimes I want to just be a human and yet (perhaps this morning’s comments show that) that doesn’t always get to happen (and yet some others point out that yes, being merely human is OK).

      1. I wish that there would have been more space for you to heal when you were suffering so much. It makes me hopeful that Simone can take that space for herself today.

      2. I’m sorry that happened to you, and I hope this moment eventually leads us to stop telling people to suck it up when they tell us they can’t. I think we should believe people when they tell us they can’t, and lately, particularly black women.

   2. Honestly, you’re reading way more into it than what was there. Most comments expressed surprise, spoke to the impact on her teammates, spoke about the public nature of being a professional athlete, and said that mental resilience is an important part of high-level sports, which is true. I saw ONE poster who made a potentially racist comment out of a thread with over 100 responses. No one, NO ONE, said that black athletes are “required” to “entertain” white people and it’s intellectually dishonest to pretend otherwise.

      1. Agreed. Supporting mental health does not require treating it as heroic to back out of the Olympics in the middle of competition.

         1. Think of it this way: A lot of people still experience stigmatization of mental health. You might not, but for many people there are still huge barriers around accessing help and getting support for mental health problems. So if a big visible figure passes on a huge opportunity, it can help break down stereotypes and it is therefore a big deal for those who care about this a lot. I felt that any affirmative sentiments in the morning thread were in this context. A lot of people don’t have the ability to choose like she did, so we appreciate that she could, partly as a symbolic moment.

            1. I understand this point but I don’t know how you get racism from that.

            2. I view this through a very different lens. This is not a sports figure saying “I’m taking off a season to get treatment for longstanding, untreated depression” or coming out and saying that they take drugs for manic depression and that sometimes it affects their ability to compete. This is a person saying she did not have the mental fortitude to compete in a high-pressure competition. Okay. Fine. Probably best you sit out the competition. But you didn’t come to the meet prepared and it was your job to do that. Praise is not the appropriate response, just like it would not be the response if she had an injury from a bike accident.

            3. Is it really reasonable to conclude, though, that an Olympic athlete who is the absolute top in her sport lacks mental fortitude and didn’t “come prepared”? I mean… it’s pretty obvious that you don’t get to her level without tremendous mental fortitude and preparation of all types. Saying she didn’t “come prepared” makes it sound like she left the powerpoint presentation to the last minute and left her flashcards in her hotel room. Like she intentionally dropped a ball. I don’t want to weigh in on whether she’s breaching some sort of obligation by bowing out, but I think it’s a little reductive to pretend that this athlete some how totally lacks mental fortitude/resilience all of the sudden and that what she experienced was a failure of preparation.

      2. Yup, this.

      3. Agreed.

      4. Yes, this.

      5. +1000

      6. Right. Not every criticism of a Black athlete is racist. There was one comment that had some pretty obvious dog-whistling but the rest of the comments had nothing to do with race. The reaction would be the same if Tom Brady suddenly walked off the field in the Superbowl for mental health reasons.

      7. Agree. There is a fast and untethered jumpto racism here. Simone Biles is easily the best American gymnast ever and her skills were not devalued– there was a competitive decision to say they would limit the difficulty points available so that others would not hurt themselves trying to compete with her superior athleticism and ability. Its not like swimming where you just go faster. She literally does things that others cannot. This was an organizational decision that is not based on her being black but on others having a very high degree of risk for very serious bodily harm if the only way to win is to chase those “level of difficulty” points. I have very rarely seen racist comments about her. I am sure they are there on like Parl*r or G*b or something but i don’t go to those terrible places.

         Also- anyone who has ever played a team sport at any level can express surprise that she left in the middle of the team competition, negatively impacting her team (when she could have stepped down prior). That does not make us racist nor does it mean we don’t care about mental health. We can be both surprised because we lack prior information and supportive of her decision to prioritize mental health.

         1. +1 well put. I don’t dispute that there are plenty of people that look down on Simone because she is Black. Obviously there are a lot of racist people out there. But that doesn’t make every criticism racist, and the vast majority of the comments on the morning thread didn’t strike me as race-based at all.

         2. In all seriousness: I think if you define racist comments as a narrow category of (reading between your lines here) outright racial slurs found in ‘those terrible places’ then I can see how on places like this site, you’d diagnose a ‘fast and untethered jump to racism’. But I’d argue that unequal treatment can take a lot of different forms, and there is a lot of research out there by experts on this topic, showing unequal treatment based on race-related implicit biases. This is very much not the same as throwing around the n-word, but it is worth fixing.

            1. But then how do you distinguish between what’s racist and what’s not when referring to a Black athlete? Or what’s sexist and not when referring to a woman? Or are you arguing that all criticism of Black people is inherently racist and all criticism of women is inherently sexist?

            2. (And nobody said the n word or anything close to it. The racism that was correctly called out was much more subtle than that, though still a dog whistle.)

            3. I think I can tell because of a double standard that I witness (even from people who insist they don’t have a double standard as to who is selfish and who is some kind of winner girl boss), because of familiar talking points and turns of phrase that are used when criticizing black but not white people (even when purportedly criticizing them for the same action), and because of the condescension and lack of respect conveyed by these talking points. When a highly accomplished professional is being discussed as if she’s less competent, honest, ethical, or cooperative than her own accomplishments suggest is true, it’s familiar to me, since I’ve seen the same things said about women of color so many times before (in situations where I knew the people and knew that the insinuations were slanderous).

   3. She walked out on her team in the middle of a team competition! Withdraw in advance and give someone else your spot.

      1. She didn’t feel balance in an event that required balance. Would you like her to break her neck for your entertainment?

         1. I’d like to not pretend it was a super awesome move.

            1. So, yes then. Get out there and break your neck, girl. Go USA!

         2. This. If she feels she can’t balance, she might be too injured to do anything else.

      2. She probably thought she could suck it up and do it. But she realized she couldn’t, she bowed out.

      3. +1000 She is acting like a spoiled little snowflake.

   4. She was allowed to walk away. And did. But idk why we should celebrate quitting on your team in the middle of the Olympics depriving someone else of a chance.

      1. This is where I fall. She is allowed to walk away (I don’t see ANYONE claiming that she should be forcibly prevented from doing so), but we don’t need to celebrate it and we should be able to discuss how it negatively impacted her teammates.

         1. +1 it’s not racist to say quitting on your team and then coming back two days later to contest for individual medals is not a great look. I would say the same about either her white or Asian teammates.

            1. Why is it a bad look? I am sure she knows her capabilities better than anyone else. If she really felt she could not perform at a level better than her teammates, how is she letting them down? Should she have gone ahead and put in a bad performance? That would be letting the team down. And I can understand how she would feel like it was okay to still perform in the individuals. If she does less than her best, it only impacts her (unlike it would have for the team competition).

            2. Thank you, 4:10 PM. This is how I would be looking at this if I were in her position.

            3. Ugh, I meant to say 4:22.

            4. Anyone who thinks she helped her team by quitting doesn’t know anything about gymnastics. Simone on her worst day is better than virtually everyone else on their best. In addition, by quitting mid-competition she prevented them from naming a replacement. A fourth athlete wouldn’t have contributed her scores, but at least would have taken pressure off the other three. There are 4 athletes on the team but normally only 3 do each event, so some of these three were planning to sit out certain events. With Simone gone all the remaining three had to do every event, with zero notice. It was an insane amount of pressure that having a fourth non-Simone member would have alleviated.

            5. Again, Simone badly injured or passed out wouldn’t be “better than everyone else” or an asset to her team.

            6. Maybe Simone on a bad day is better than the rest, but that is different than her worst day. Do you really think that she would get a higher score than her replacement if she fell off the balance beam 3 times? And why not trust her (and the coaches) to make that call? As much as a competitor as she seems to be it likely is a really hard thing for her to admit that it may be better for the team to have someone else compete. Do you really think this is a decision she made lightly?

            7. Agree with Anon at 5:37. This wasn’t a decision that was made lightly. As a high-achiever myself (though nowhere even close to Biles’s realm) I would assume the easier course would have been to keep going when she knew she shouldn’t. I think we all push ourselves past the point where we should stop. I am 100% sure that if there was any other way, she would have kept going. The fact that she withdrew only speaks to how serious the situation was.

   5. WORD.

   6. That’s a gross take. No one is telling her to “shuck & jive” for “her fans;” they are pointing out that she’s a top-notch professional in an extremely public position. If Jen Psaki or Kayleigh McEnamy decided to not show up for work one day, the same things would be said.

      1. Yes this. As an elite team athlete, you are expected to be prepared mentally and physically and do your job. I don’t hate her, I think this is a very sad thing. But I also don’t think it’s a good move and I’m not celebrating it.

         1. +1. It’s sad, it could’ve been handled differently in a way that protects Biles’ health and rights, and we don’t need to celebrate everything. This has a real negative impact on other gymnasts who have been working their whole lives for this.

      2. HAHA not true at all.

      3. Exactly this 3:11.

   7. No one said it wasn’t stressful, simply that she handled it the wrong way. She could have chosen not to compete at all, rather than put an extra burden on her teammates. Jordan Chiles suddenly had to compete in two events she hasn’t prepared for- don’t you think that was stressful? Simone told her teammates to “just relax”

      1. She was absolutely prepared. They don’t come up with new routines for each meet. If Ms. Chiles has an issue with it, that’s between her and Ms. Biles and is none of our damn business.

      2. Jade didn’t get to compete because Simone didn’t back out earlier.

      3. I mean, Chiles literally did those routines at qualifying, so it’s not like she had to pull out some old routine on the spot.

   8. You’re telling on yourself here, not on others.

      1. Yeah, I don’t think so at all. I am a white lady and felt the racism in that thread.

         1. +1 another white lady who was horrified by the racism and entitlement in that thread.

         2. And another

         3. You’re wrong. Straight up wrong. It’s a shame you can’t find a better way to defend your point than throwing out accusations as tr*ump cards. Try learning some discourse.

   9. I missed the morning thread, but when I read about her withdrawing I thought “you go girl”. If she was in a bad mental state she was putting her body at risk and wouldn’t have been able to help the team. I still recoil at what happened to Kerri Strug in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. Good for Simone for knowing her limits. She is someone to look up to, particularly now. Also, the team still received a silver medal! That’s incredible.

   10. Yes, I also heard overtones of the rhetoric I’ve heard over and over about Black athletes having opinions or getting big heads (essentially the same concept as “uppity”) or not just doing their jobs that they’re paid for, etc.

       I’m also not sure people understand blacking out. You can’t push through anything when you’re unconscious. I was someone who pushed through all kinds of things (including times when it was stupid to do so, and I should have gone to the hospital). When I started fainting though, that was different. Think about this for a minute; it’s not like the flu or an injury or an infection or pain.

       1. Since when was she unconscious???

          1. Blacking out is a symptom of presyncope. Since the brain isn’t getting enough oxygen, cognition is typically impaired (I’ve made ridiculous mistakes while blacking out before). If you don’t stop what you’re doing, you could end up totally unconscious (syncope). Been there before too; it’s what happened when I tried to push through. The people saying this is dangerous when doing gymnastics are right, but even when it’s not actually dangerous, it’s not the kind thing where willpower helps.

             1. But she hasnt said she blacked out.

             2. She didn’t withdraw because she blacked out, though? I agree that blacking out is not good but I haven’t seen that reported anywhere. It seems like she withdrew for other reasons.

             3. Where did she say she blacked out? I haven’t seen this anywhere.

             4. The story I heard is that she was getting anxiety attacks and blacking out from the anxiety insomnia. Maybe I’m overprojecting from my experience though and filling in too many details! I just struggled so much with the idea that if it’s psychological, I should be able to will my way through it. But mental/physical health are interdependent in reality.

       2. I read that she “got lost in the air” which apparently is gymnastic-speak for having split second vertigo while in the air and hence losing the sense of where the ground is, thus causing her to miss landings (such as the vault or when she stepped outside the mat). Apparently it’s hugely terrifying and of course dangerous with the flipping they are doing. Heaven forbid she lands on her neck.

   11. BRAVA! Agree 100%

   12. I’d be interested in an opinion on this from someone who’s been in a similar position to Biles. Probably it would have to be another household name black female athlete.

       1. Oh so now no one gets to have thoughts?

       2. I’d take anything they say publicly with a grain of salt because if they say anything that’s not 100% positive there would be a huge backslash about them not supporting their fellow women.

          1. Good point. And media would try to spin it as a “beef” between them. I guess I just need Serena Williams’ private take then….

   13. Amen.

   14. I haven’t even seen this yet but I’m already thinking if it were a dude people would hardly question it. Women are supposed to take it for the team

       1. Nonsense. A Russian man competed the day before with a torn Achilles.

       2. I really disagree with this take.

       3. Really? You think if Tom Brady walked off the field mid Super Bowl citing mental health reasons no one would care?? Uhh yeah they absolutely would. I genuinely do not understand the argument this is sexist or racist. Not every criticism of a woman or Black person is based on sex or race.

          1. You’re right, people would care. They would applaud him for helping remove the stigma around mental health issues. He’d get praised for modeling healthy behaviors for young boys.

             1. I disagree. Sure, some people would say that, but I don’t think he would be applauded by a majority of viewers. I think most people would say it’s disappointing and surprising and I hope most would also acknowledge that he has to do what he has to do.

             2. You have obviously not met any NFL fans. Andrew Luck got SO MUCH grief from fans for ending his NFL career early and he was injured and quit before the season began, not in the middle of an important game. And yes he talked about mental and physical health when he left. No star football player would ever be applauded for quitting a game midway through.

             3. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Especially since he is a privileged white man. This is fantastical and so far from true.

             4. Hahahahhaha omg no this is so far off base. White male athletes are not immune from criticism or abuse at all. Tom Brady would be eviscerated by his team’s fans if he did something like this. Talk about fans feeling owed something by their athletes…no sport epitomizes that better than the NFL.

             5. I heart Andrew Luck.

             6. Ugh. People need to chill the F out. It’s sports.

             7. I disagree (though I am not defending attacks on Biles or saying her race or gender aren’t part of it). I think if Brady did this, he would be viciously mocked as a wimp–in less polite language. The attacks would have toxic-masculine and even homophobic undertones.

             8. I really admire Andrew Luck too. (and my husband was his TA at Stanford so I feel like I sort of have a personal connection to him!) We live in Indy now and fans who used to love him turned on him so fast when he decided to quit. The guy had like people coming up to his family at restaurants and harassing him for letting the city down. And he is a white male who left his team before the season started. There were definitely homophobic undertones to it, as Monday said. I don’t doubt if he’d been Black or female the attacks would have been more vitriolic, but white men definitely do not get celebrated for prioritizing their own mental and physical health, particularly when they’re “letting down” a team or a fan base.

          2. +1 to Anon at 5:22. People are reading all sorts of things into this that aren’t there.

          3. Honestly, I think the people arguing that this is racist or sexist have never been athletes themselves.

       4. You infants apparently haven’t heard of Kerri Strug.

          1. Kerri Strug and before her, Elena Mukhina are the reasons we should all support athletes knowing their own limits. In the end, no matter how talented she is, it’s still just sports and not worth her life or long term health.

          2. I most certainly have heard of her and it was disgusting and nothing to applaud that she felt compelled to do that vault when she was so badly injured. Not directed at her, but at the mindset that athletic competitions are so important that it’s ok to jeopardize one’s health permanently.

       5. Yes. Society has always been very supportive of outward displays of fragility from its male sports heroes.

   15. This is an athlete that walks around with a logo standing for “greatest of all time.” You can’t get much more arrogant than that. Yet, when anyone dares to criticize her, you play the racist card. Grow up.

   16. As was I. Disgusted, I mean. I am a black woman and so maybe this is a trigger for me. As far as I’m concerned, black women have been “pushing through” and taking one for “the team” for centuries, to our detriment. This specific black woman, Simone Biles, has been doing so seemingly her entire life. And the one time you know of that she uses her best judgment (which I’m sure NONE of you naysayers could ever know the depths of with regard to fitness to compete at the Olympics) and dares to choose herself, you’re basically telling her to “shut up and tumble” “do your job” “how DARE you choose yourself and your health, mental or otherwise” over “the team.” (And for the willfully obtuse “the team” is indeed a euphemism here). We heard it with Naomi. We heard the same rhetoric with Colin Kaepernick in a different context. But the message is clear: do not deviate from what we have allowed you to do; and more importantly, perform, even over your life, limb, and liberty, because you’re lucky to even be here. We hear it in board rooms across America. We have have heard it countless times.

       Maybe those who commented with outrage at Simone’s audacity are not racist. But the above line of thinking is dangerously close to it.

       Also, whoever referred to three black women as “these people” is definitely, for sure, racist. GFU

       1. +1

       2. “(And for the willfully obtuse “the team” is indeed a euphemism here)”

          WHAT? She is literally part of a team. “There’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘team'” has been an expression for decades. Literally. Part. Of. A. Team.

          1. Lemme break it down for you. Black women have been asked to sacrifice themselves for a “greater good” that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about them since time immemorial. Even I, a WASPY white lady, knows that. If you can’t face that fact, you’re part of the problem.

   17. I think it is really dangerous for someone at the level of SB to take the floor, or bars, or hurdles without feeling confident and ready. She could really injure herself. Also, she said she wanted the US team to take home some medals, and she was worried she would flub up.

       You cannot suck it up when you are performing like she does.

2. I have this bag and I love it. It is the perfect thing to stash in your suitcase when leaving for a vacation and to pull out to carry back all your souvenirs. I have it in a print I don’t care for because it was on sale in that print, but I don’t mind and it stands out when I need to find it. It is very durable and the luggage sleeve works well. Highly recommend.

   1. In my dreams, I have beautiful luggage. IRL, I have: vivid things in not my favorite colors to find easily among the millions of black gate-checked wheelie bags. I also have: ugly patterns because they hide the inevitable scuffs. I really can’t have nice things. I do pay for monogramming though — I want my stuff giving you every chance not to pick it up by accident and to come home with me.

3. Anyone want to convince me that I do/don’t need an FSA? My husband and I have considered it but he doesn’t feel like he really understands what its benefits are. I like the idea of not getting taxed to spend on things we have to spend on, but am not sure if it’s enough to make a difference. What should we know about them?

   1. Do you have access to an HSA instead? You don’t get taxed on those either, money doesn’t expire, you can actually invest the money in the account. I’ve done HSA when it’s been offered to me, FSA I worry I would struggle to spend the money I set aside.

   2. I mean, free money is free money. FSA is “use or lose” while an HSA (typically only available with HDHPs) carries forward year over year.

      I put $500 in my FSA and use it for contacts, copays, and qualifying purchases throughout the year. Since it’s tax free money, I would have otherwise lost $185 of it to federal taxes (sub in whatever your top tax bracket is), that instead is in my medicine cabinet.

      1. This – I usually only put about $500 or so in there and use it for my glasses/prescription co-pays. This year my migraine medication costs went up so I stuck a bit more money in there to cover the difference. If you know you have high prescription co-pays, or physician cop-pays I would also add in more money to cover those. If you’re young, healthy, and go to the doctor once or twice a year I could see just not using it (I didn’t much in my 20’s).

   3. Ditto the others. Since FSAs are use-lose, only put in as much money as you think you’ll need. If you’re fortunate to be in good health and have good health coverage and/or don’t need to use your health coverage often, you might not want to tie up the money. They’re good for contacts and glasses if you wear those.

   4. If you haven’t had one in previous years, I would err on putting a smaller amount of money in one this year to give it a trial run. I did adult braces last year so put in $2,000 in mine for that, but have historically done between $200-$500. I’d do a quick estimate as to how much you usually spend on things likes doctors office copays, prescription copays, out of pocket dental expenses, contacts, etc. They give you a debit card for the account so it’s incredibly easy to use (you can also pay other ways and submit receipts for reimbursement) – it’s not a huge tax savings, but it adds up over time so I find it worthwhile. It also helps me mentally feel less bad when my glasses break or I need a filling, knowing that I have a little pot of money for those things.

   5. Obviously this depends on your tax bracket, but we’re in the 22% bracket and are in CA, so once you add in FICA, it adds up to saving almost 40%, which is seems like a pretty big difference to me! The important thing is not to put in more that you’re reasonably sure you can spend, since you’ll lose it if you don’t spend it by the end of the year (some plans have a roll over, but this can be hard to use so it’s better to spend it by the end of the year). We have pretty good health insurance, but I wear glasses and contacts and have several chronic conditions that require regular prescriptions and doctor’s visits with (low) copays that add up so there are a bunch things I know I’ll be spending on every year. Also, you can now use it for over the counter meds, which is a big plus, since I probably spend at least another $100-200 or so on eye drops, motion sickness, allergy meds, etc. every year. If you are healthier than I am, then maybe you won’t save as much, but we put at least $1000 each year into my FSA, so it saves us a decent amount.

   6. I feel like it is good if you have a known expensive need (so you get a nice break at the rate of $ * your tax rate), like a kid needing braces or you needing the therapist you want, etc. When I was single and kidless, I put in maybe enough for a new pair of glasses and some dental cleanings, so just prefunding that, depending on the year.

   7. I found it too stressful to be worthwhile. The process is completely dependent on your provider, though, so YMM very much V.

      Literally every time I used the card, I was flagged for verification to “prove” it was legitimate, and this was NOT supposed to be a receipt-submitting type of account. (See an oral surgeon? Prove it’s for a medical reason! WTF do you think I’m doing there, buying jeans?) Everything was constantly tangled up in the months-long approval process, stuff got rejected for BS reasons constantly and I had to fight it, and the CS reps were arrogant and rude.

      It was a complete headache and a juggling act, all for less than a couple hundred bucks. Life’s too short.

      1. My FSA administrator was really easygoing for years, then they switched to a new company where all of the forms I’d used forever were suddenly “not good enough.” The invoice from the daycare program? Not sufficiently detailed. The receipt and RX from the pharmacy? Not OK because part of the receipt (where it had a link to the store website) had been torn. The copay receipt from the doctor’s office? Need the EOB. It’s still worth it to me but it’s a LOT more work.

      2. +1 – never found the hassle worth it and ended up losing the set aside because I didn’t want to deal with the administrative headache

   8. I really liked my FSA at my last employer. I put in an amount that felt like nothing out of each paycheck (compared to everything we take out) and we easily spent that over the course of the year. I basically assume we will spend our family deductible, and if we don’t, then I get a new pair of glasses in December.

   9. I’ve never had an FSA. It’s use it or lose it and I feel like I would lose it because I can usually cover healthcare expenses out of my employer’s contributions to my HSA ($650). I do sometimes contribute a bit to my HSA in case of a bigger bill, but that money will always be there for me so it’s a form of investing.

4. Anyone else want to share stories of what tasks they have a mental block around and win’s of you just doing the thing?
   For me, it’s hanging pictures. They are framed. I know where I want them to go. But I just HATE the measuring/leveling process and always fear putting extraneous holes in the wall. I got 5 hung this weekend and have 3 more to go and seriously feel like I need an adulting gold medal when I have them up.

   1. Rolling over old 401ks to new 401ks. I do it eventually but not before I’ve wasted a lot of money on fees in the expensive old 401ks.

      1. It took me YEARS to move my 401k over to an IRA.

   2. Mailing returns. Not making returns, but specifically mailing returns when I need to print a new label.

      I am at the point where I RARELY order things from places where I can’t just return them to a brick and mortar.

      1. Same. I also struggle with cleaning out the fridge.

         1. Okay, 3:17 anon again – I’ll share what helped me with this. Every week, I have to put my trash out on a certain day. The night before, at 9PM I have an alarm that says ‘Put Trash Out!’. WELL. Now at 8:45, I have an alarm that says ‘Clean Science Experiments out of Fridge’.

            I realized that the issue was that I would leave stuff in the fridge because I didn’t want it to get smelly in the trash can and then… I would forget. This was one of those 30 second setup things that has massively improved my quality of life.

            1. Omg this is my problem exactly thank you for this tip!

            2. That’s genius!

      2. I hate, hate, hate dealing with returns too. It’s my main motivator to not buy too much stuff (since I also hate shopping in-person unless it’s for outdoor gear).

   3. Similar to 3:17 – deciding whether to return before the end of the return window. I’m the person returning something on the 29th day of a 30 day return window all the time. The return always gets done, but the clothes just sit there, mocking me, until I do it. I hate paying return shipping, so I justify the procrastination by telling myself I don’t have time to return at the mall this week so the return (and thus try-on & decision) can wait until next week.

   4. I’ve been working on creating a 501(c)(3) for my company for…yeah, basically like 4 years now. We only need it so that government employees can come speak to us (they can’t speak to private companies but can if a non-profit invites them – so yeah, I’m supposed to invent officers and paperwork and create a phantom non-profit). I did it the first time after 11? 12? months of just crushing anxiety and getting it wrong and having state and IRS people reject our forms over and over again…because I have no idea what I’m doing. Then we got notified right as the pandemic started that there were problems with the registration (that weren’t my fault), so it’s been on my to-do list to redo for over a year now. The anxiety around this is unreal. Like, hey boss, if you’re so sure creating a 501(c)(3) is simple, you do it! Or have our external counsel do it for pennies, since it’s “so simple.” I’m thisclose to paying out of pocket for some other firm that does these things to do it for me so I know it’s done and I don’t have to fool with it. It’s just killing me having it on my plate, but starting it is equally awful. Complicated government forms. Stuff I know nothing about. “Inventing” officers and expenses for this on-paper-only non-profit. Aggghhhh.

      1. I have had this same instinct – that I would pay out of pocket to have someone else just manage this work thing – and it always is a giant sign to me that either my anxiety is out of control and latching onto this thing OR that there is something wrong with the project itself. In this case, I think you are properly observing that this is a job you cannot do, and that you need to hire outside counsel to get it done or advise you if it should not be done. (The term “phantom non-profit” raises concerns.) Can you tell your boss that it needs external counsel, and that’s non-negotiable at this point?

      2. This seems… Different and not right?

         1. Yeah, nothing about this seems above-board. I have formed several nonprofit corporations and served on at least a half-dozen other boards. Fabricating corporate officers and expenses is inappropriate and almost certainly illegal. If you are an attorney (and it sounds like you are from the references to external counsel and another firm), I would walk away from this immediately.

   5. Picture rails give me peace of mind!

   6. We’ve had replacement blinds sitting in the box in the living room for … a month now, so I’d say it’s swapping out window treatments.

      1. We ordered new blinds and haven’t put them up to the window to see if they even fit because my husband has been getting around to painting the window trim for a month and a half (he doesn’t want me to do it and keeps promising he will get to it) and I’m afraid our return window has expired if they don’t fit……

   7. I got better at mailing returns by setting up a packaging station at my house (it’s not much of a station, it’s shipping tape and scissors together near the dining room table) and printing return labels from my phone at any old time of day. Today I’m mailing something that I decided to return last night, so I got on the Nordstrom app and did the return process while I was sitting in bed, and it was waiting at the printer for me this morning (HP Envy Wireless.)

      And then I schedule a USPS pickup on their site, picked up with regular mail for free.

      I’m not perfect and there’s lots of stuff I’m bad about (someone want to talk to me about dusting?) but I feel like I finally have my mailing game down and thought I’d share.

      And places that require UPS or FexEx returns can bite me.

   8. Unpacking the last of the moving boxes. From 2005.

      1. Just toss ‘em at this point!

         1. Definitely not. It’s all fragile sentimental stuff we can’t display because we got pets as soon as we got the house.

            1. I would either find a safe way to display them or pass them on to someone else. I’m curious what these items are trying to imagine sentimental things that dogs would destroy… rawhide china? Figurines made of tennis balls? :-)

            2. I’m trying to imagine… if the perfect glass door China cabinet would work, or curio shelving. But probably you’ve thought of everything and it wouldn’t.

            3. LOL, Aunt Jamesina! Cats, not dogs. (I hate dogs.) Excellent climbers, so tchochkes on high shelves are still not safe.

               Maybe one day, when we take a break from owning and fostering.

   9. Painting trim. Need to repaint several areas in the house and missing with sanding + oil based paint just isn’t as fun as nearly any other project in the house. (And, yes, I know there are alternatives to oil based but, such is life, when that’s what on everything nearby.

   10. Sunday night we finally made a screen for baby’s room (which used to be my office/ our spare bedroom). My last attempt at doing so was 13 months ago. I am so proud it’s done.

5. How’s your Tuesday going?

   On an external call on which I am the senior representative from (major party), I MEANT to say, ‘If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask.’

   What came out of my mouth? “If you have any questions, don’t reach out and ask.’

   Facepalm. I had also said ‘Good morning’ to start the call. I was 2:30PM.

   1. Haha! I’d get a good little chuckle out of that :)

      1. Better than the reflexive “love you” I’ve said to end a business call WAY TOO MANY TIMES.

   2. I’ve seen (in meme form) “please hesitate to reach out to me,” which I enjoy very much.

6. Mostly I’m just venting but if anyone has any self care / de-stressing tips that can be done at home I would appreciate it.

   My sister is under a conservatorship. She drove drunk and crashed (thankfully no one else was hurt). She got a head injury and afterward it was clear she couldn’t manage on her own. She didn’t lose any memories but she doesn’t understand things like money and will not properly care for herself.

   With all the news about the Britney Spears my sister is now convinced she can also be freed from her conservatorship. Her situation isn’t the same as Britney. My sister didn’t have millions. There is some money from insurance (not much since she caused the crash herself) and some money from government assistance. There is a law firm who ensures any expenses are paid from this money. My sister is in a care home that bills once a month. The law firm gets paid monthly at a lower rate than normal due to the fact that some of the money is government assistance. I don’t have access to her money or a say in her care. (I’m her only relative) That is up to the court. The state had stepped in after her behavior went off the rails because she almost ended up in jail.

   The home and the court take good care of her so I am so glad she is there. But all this talk about her wanting to end it is stressing me out. She needs to be there and even though I know chances are low it will ever get overturned it still scares me to think about. What happened to Britney is not the same as my sister but thinking about it still scares me.

   1. I’m sorry; this is scary, as are the things you’ve both already been through, even if the actual risk over the conservatorship being overturned is small.

   2. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. For at home destressing tips, I enjoy 20-30 minutes of yoga, a hot shower, dressing in comfortable loungewear, and making myself a beverage. After all that, choose any activity that relaxes you–I read a lot, but Netflix, knitting, video games, or paint by number may work for you. I also like puzzles, especially if I only have short periods of time to relax between other things.

   3. Hugs. If you liked them as a kid, I vote for Legos – but get one of the fun adult sets. Something about just sitting down and building is de-stressing … or at least my stress turns to figuring out the directions instead of the big, scary, adult thing going on.

7. Can anyone comment on transitioning work before your maternity leave? I’m working with an associate who is due in a few weeks and she seems to be sort of picking and choosing the projects she wants to do. A lot of things are projects she’s been sitting on for weeks or months, repeatedly reassured everyone she would do them, and now at the last minute has decided she “doesn’t have time” to do them. Of course now they’re urgent and the next person to pick them up gets their nights and weekends totally ruined. I’ve asked for transition memos and I get late and half finished product, so I have to follow up with her to get information I need, and I get a lot of resistance. Her hours are low so she’s not objectively overworked, though I’m sure she’s tired at this point. I’ve tried to mentor her and stand up for her because she’s the only woman associate in my group, but I don’t know how I’m going to spin this with the rest of the partners or what I should say to her to help with damage control. Can anyone comment on their experience? What are reasonable expectations for someone to help transition their work? What can I do to help?

   1. I’m transitioning firms, not maternity leave. I made a spreadsheet that has all my current cases, where the business came from, general status (a line or two, not a transition memo) something like “plaintiff’s employment law case, wage claim, contingent fee, pre-suit, post-demand.” I also include whatever the next deadline is, be it just an SOL or a trial date. Then there is a column for who is taking it over.

      If she doesn’t have time to do transition memos, something like the above should really help you at least assign the work.

      I haven’t written my transition memos yet since I don’t know what cases the firm is keeping. One thing I have done is go through my emails and make a list of all important information that’s only found in my email. My firm was in the stone age and emails used to be kept in individual inboxes by case instead of in a file management system.

      Basically, try to get out of her whatever is just in her head or inbox or notes that you will need. I’d start just re-assigning time sensitive stuff now and assume she’s not going to do it. Give her less urgent projects or things that are due same day.

   2. Gah, comment in mod because of tr@n.

   3. on some level it does sound like she screwed you over, but on the other hand she might have been feeling super sick for most of her pregnancy (i threw up every day the whole time), the anxiety from covid, etc. maybe she has had a high risk pregnancy (which can involve a million doctors appointments) and just didn’t disclose that. It sounds like you are also a partner in the group? I’d have a frank but nice conversation with her (not via email) to get the info you need. At this point, assuming she previously did good work, I’d say you understand if she miscalculated what she would be able to get done, but just want to make sure you have all the info you need. As someone who really struggled with functioning as a basic human while pregnant and tried to just suck it up, I appreciate that you aren’t trying to throw her under the bus.

      1. +1 I also don’t think there’s ever a perfectly executed transition. I’d focus on trying to figure out how best to move the work to other people instead of focusing on what she should have done. Being pregnant can be really hard and its entirely possible she really did think she’d have everything covered when she said that and now doesn’t. If this is the only time you’ve seen this with her, cut her some slack. If this is a broader issue, that’s a different story. Also, as a reminder, people are out unexpectedly with no notice all the time (death in the family, unexpected illness, injury, heck – she could have given birth 2 months early and you’d have zero transition) so I’d try reframing this in your head unless it’s part of a broader pattern.

   4. It sounds like things have been piling up during her pregnancy (understandable; some women have horrible pregnancies). Now, she’s struggling to come to grips with how much has been left undone.

      If you are not doing so already, give her a LOT of flexibility in terms of work location. WFH saved me during my last two months of pregnancy.

      Since you’re saying that she’s been sitting on these for “weeks or months,” I would approach it this way: “Amelia, I really want to see you succeed in this position. Looking at your work, it appears as if you have let a lot of things slip through the cracks or have just not even touched these projects. It’s now a huge mess and seems to be such a problem that you are struggling to transition things over. At this point, I do not care what you’ve done over the past couple of months or not; I just need everything transitioned over before you deliver. Here’s the deal: work from home if you need to, and your #1 priority is those transition memos. Everything else is water under the bridge. Get your work properly transitioned, and that will give you a clean slate for when you return after your leave.”

   5. Can you make sure she is in charge of her own transitioning? As in, she passes on the work and exact instructions to the next people in a way that is easy for them to understand and execute? (And you don’t have to be the one they go to with questions.)

      From my perspective as someone who has not been pregnant, this sounds very frustrating. But good luck since there is nothing else that can be done for now.

   6. Reality check–she’s not gonna finish these big projects. She meant to, she can’t now, you need to deal with the fallout.

      So now you set clear expectations regarding what you expect to see in the transition memo–status of deals/cases, key client contacts and how to contact them, preferred comm methods, important memos or emails linked/saved to system, description of next steps and timelines, key decisions client made/options rejected, and then hand the matter over–loop her out and loop the new person in. Make sure they have a handover meeting by, say, next Wednesday that gets the new person on each case/deal up to speed fully. Remind her that getting urgent projects dropped in her lap would be very stressful if she were on the other end of this, so it’s time to transition and to do a thorough job.

      She’s shown you she doesn’t have the capacity or will to finish, so for client service reasons, pick up the ball and go from here. You can’t just assume this is because she’s pregnant. She may be burnt out. She may have zero plan to actually return to your firm. But the key thing is that you need her to get the ball at least to a decent handover stage, since it’s pretty clear that projects are really going to get done. Have her focus on the handover. Then, once she’s done the handover, assign her “filler” projects like research or other non-time-sensitive things where she can pitch in but it’s not a crisis if she doesn’t get it all sorted.

      And it’s 100% OK to show your disappointment at how this could have been handled more professionally and more smoothly in her review.

      I realize it sucks for you and your team members who got screwed here. Life happens, pregnancies happen, terrible colleagues happen. Gotta just work through it.

   7. I’m still a few weeks out from my maternity leave however the way I’ve been managing this;
      – I initially created a spreadsheet of all current projects highlighting remaining workload, timeline, budget, key contacts and any risks/issues. I then passed this to my management who identified/are in the process of identifying who I should transition the work to.
      – I then created individual tabs within the spreadsheet for each project, breaking down the remaining workload section into key areas and also including links to centrally stored documentation. I then have calls with each person to walk through the sheet.
      I’ve shared this spreadsheet with management also, so if there are any queries once I’ve left it is available.

      I think it’s realistic that this person will not get their work done before their leave, so I would focus on transition. Could you draft a template and ask them to complete? Or if you have a priority you need them to finish/cannot be transitioned I would prioritise transitioning everything else off them first.

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