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Anonymous
My sister had her baby on Friday. She wasn’t due until the middle of June and had just hit 26 weeks. Leading up to it she had no complications and she was healthy and had none of the risk factors for a premature birth. No one saw this coming. She wasn’t feeling well after dinner and she ruptured a few hours later.
We almost lost both her and my nephew. My sister will live. My nephew survived too but no one is sure if he will make it or how healthy he will be if he does live. I don’t know much about babies but when I saw him through the window at the hospital he looked so small. He only weighed like a pound and has to be in intensive care. I’m taking some time off work to be there for them but I couldn’t sleep all weekend and even though my body is so tired I can’t sleep now. I don’t even know what to say or do for her and her husband.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Boston Legal Eagle
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s good that you can be there for your family at this hard time, even if there is no “right” thing to say.
Clementine
I’m so sorry y’all are going through this. I was that freakishly healthy lady who went to the doctor one day and found out her membranes were ruptured. My son was born prematurely and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. I myself also almost died due to freak complications and was in the hospital for an extended period as well.
First, giant hugs to you.
Second, if you’re wondering what you can do or want to feel like you’re doing something positive, here are a few things that really helped me:
-Make sure somebody is taking care of their pets. Seriously- this was a huge thing for us.
-Have somebody make sure their fridge is stocked with food they can just grab and go with. Turkey sandwiches were good.
-TAKE PICTURES. TAKE PICTURES. TAKE PICTURES.
-Find out if the NICU allows you to have any personal things in there. If she can’t hold the baby, she can read to him. She can sing to him. Singing to my son was incredible and actually improved his vitals while I was singing.
-Let her cry. Be okay with her crying. Know that even though she’s being strong, she’s hurting. Be okay with you crying too.
-Get EVERYONE in your family to get a TDaP shot. Pertussis in particular is getting more and more common and they tell you to create a protective ‘cocoon’ around them.
-Once the baby gets a little bigger, have a couple cute preemie outfits at the ready to dress him in. Even though our baby was connected to wires and tubes, putting him in clothes for the first time brought such joy to us.
Page me on here if you want to talk or have any questions about any of the medical stuff- it’s lonely and isolating and nobody will ever know what she (or YOU!) are going through truly.
Clementine
Oh! Also, they’re more than likely going to encourage your sister to pump. Support her in that.
You have to simulate the nursing patterns of a newborn, so I had to pump every 2-3 hours around the clock. It’s amazing what they’ll do with even the tiniest drops of colostrum- with the little babies, they’ll put it on a swab and literally swab the inside of their mouth to help develop the baby’s intestines.
So much love for you and your family right now. I know i don’t know you, but I want to like bring over a casserole to your house right now.
Good things to say: We love you. He’s beautiful. There’s dinner already in the fridge.
Things to not say: When is he going to be coming home. Is he okay? Why did this happen.
Bad things to
anon
This advice is so spot on, it’s making cry at work.
Love the idea of the TDAP enforcer. You should totally do that. It will be such a pleasant surprise to the nurses/your sister that it’s one less thing to worry about.
Anonymous
I started crying too
Thank you, Clementine
Clementine
xo to you. Seriously, page me or send me an anon email address if you have more specific questions.
My fella wasn’t a micro preemie, but a few of his ‘neighbors’ in the NICU were. It’s really hard and scary.
Anon
Beautiful advice. Making me cry reading.
Anonymous
+ 1,000 on TDAP. For people who may not know, remind them that you can get the shot done at Walgreens/CVS and that it’s covered by many insurance plans. Further, there’s no harm in getting a second TDAP before the first expires (women are given the shot every pregnancy) so if someone comes up with a “well, I don’t know, maybe I had it already” excuse, that doesn’t work.
Sending lots of good thoughts your family’s way.
Anonymous
first anon — if you are still reading, I too love clemintine’s advice and echo it completely. The only thing I would add, with the “let her cry” part, is that it’s important not just for now, but for a long, long, time, especially if anything happens to the baby. I lost a lost a baby (stillborn, full term). My sister came for the delivery, was very supportive in the hospital, and then a few months later was clearly ready for me to be happy again. When I wasn’t, she ended up pretty much telling me that I was a real downer and was getting in the way of her big, happy plans. It has been about 10 years since that happened, but it is still a wound I can’t quite get over. Pain like that takes a loooooooong time to work through. For me, the hardest part of it all was how everyone was one day through grieving/supporting, even when you are still deep in it. Having someone who simply understands that, even if they don’t say the “right” things, is huge.
Shopping
Have you heard of Juniper? She was born at 26 weeks and is now in kindergarten. The Tampa Bay Times had a series of long articles about her about five years ago, and there is a book called something like Juniper, the Girl Who was Born Too Soon. She is doing very well now, so there’s a happy ending, but her parents (who are journalists and wrote both the articles and book) are very detailed about their fears and all the odds and statistics they had to weigh, so I think it would be comforting no matter how things are going.
anon
I’m so, so sorry. My sister had recently had her first baby suddenly at 30 weeks due to complications. Even though there’s a world of difference between a baby born at 26 weeks and 30 weeks, it was terrifying. Clementine’s advice is on-point. Also, don’t forget to honor your own feelings about this. I recall feeling really protective but also helpless and worried, and my worry felt so useless (I was out of state). Don’t lean on your sister for emotional support, obviously, but don’t hesitate to talk with your parents, friends about how you’re feeling. Ugh, even now that he’s 6 months and perfectly healthy for a preemie, I still look at those pictures when he was first born (3 lbs) and feel this strong surge of protectiveness and emotion. He was just so tiny and I would have given anything for him to be ok.
Your sister may also find herself in a weird limbo state- she can’t be in the NICU all the time, but when she’s home it will probably feel awful for her to be separated from her baby. This may sound obvious, but be prepared for her to go through a ton of emotions and let her talk about how she’s feeling, not just how the baby’s doing. After a while, as the baby gets stronger and healthier and she recovers, she may be up for you helping to take her mind off of the situation and getting out of her own head (trips to parks to be outside, walks, tv/movies, manicure, et al).
Wildkitten
Your reaction is completely normal. You might want to talk to a doctor about helping you sleep during this extremely stressful season.
NYCpg
I’m in my 25th week, also due in June, and this scares me so much. If I were to deliver soon, I’d be very worried about not having all the baby “stuff” ready for when the time hopefully comes. I wouldn’t start doing anything on this front until the baby is out of the woods, but it’s likely she’s not fully set up for a baby at home yet so anything you can do to help out with that or assure her you’ll help handle it if she expresses anxiety would be great.
If she had a shower planned, coordinate with the host to make sure this is handled how your sister would like. For now that probably means telling guests that it’s too soon to know if there will still be a get together.
Other than that, Clementine’s advice is all fantastic. I especially love the idea of you being the TDAP enforcer. I’m very sorry you’re all going through this. Please take care of yourself as well.
Anonymous
If you’re like me, keeping busy during stressful times really helps with my own anxiety. Maybe you could stockpile her freezer with meals or sign her up for a meal delivery service, make sure her house is clean or hire house cleaners, coordinate with friends/family so someone is always there helping, etc. Good luck and take care. I’m so sorry your family is going through this but IIRC, 26 weekers have a really good survival rate.
Hugs and good vibes
I don’t know you but I am sending all my love and good vibes to you, your nephew, his parents and your family. My cousin gave birth at 26 weeks. She also ruptured. It was the middle of the night and she was sleeping so there was no warning. She and the baby would have died had it not been for one of her neighbors. The neighbor was former military and while not a medic had still picked up a fair bit of first aid training while she was deployed and doing humanitarian work.
My cousin’s daughter turned six in November. She is a healthy, spunky, spirited kid. The only issue she has os that she hears better in one ear over the other because she always c*cks her head to one side when she’s listening. She can pass a hearing test but one ear is significantly better than the other.
I second all of the wonderful advice here. Feel free to page me as well if you have any questions or just want to vent. All the best to you and your family.
AIMS
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through. It must be incredibly frightening.
I think you’ve gotten some good suggestions. I’d add that it’s important to take care of yourself now too so you can be there for your sister in the next few months. As for how to be there, I don’t know about your sister but Im not very good at asking people for help or even knowing what to ask for. So maybe you can do that for her and serve as a sort of coordinator since doubtless you’ll have other family and friends who all want to help somehow. And even if it’s just as simple as giving her friends updates so she doesn’t have to deal with it, it would probably be a big help.
Best of luck and all good thoughts to you, your sister and your nephew.
Anonymous
Making a facebook page or email list to keep everyone updated so they’re not constantly inundating your sister with questions is a great idea.
Clementine
Yeah, this would be great.
People were asking me if they could bring over frozen meals or set up x or y or z. I had so much in my head that I couldn’t even deal. I just said, ‘no. we’re all set.’ which was dumb. I couldn’t even deal with keeping people updated.
If I could just have had someone say, ‘yes. that would be great. Please deliver in 2-4 portion sizes. Mr. Clementine doesn’t eat lima beans’ or something like that, it would have been amazing.
You can also offer to help set up a CaringBridge account to keep family/friends posted as to baby’s progress.
JJ
When a friend of mine went through a family crisis, they also set up a bunch of coolers at the front door/patio. That way people could drop off food without disturbing anyone and just let people know when it was there.
MargaretO
Seconding caringbridge. Two of my family members were seriously injured in a car accident (they are both fine now) and the website was hugely helpful. An amazing friend coordinated meals from community members and it was amazing. We got huge servings of food every few days for several months while they were in the hospital/rehab/still needed constant help at home, and not having to think about food during that time was incredible. I think there might be a feature for this on caring bridge or another similar website? Someone brought over a crew of friends to do yardwork at one point (accident was in the fall and leaves would have just stayed in the yard if they hadn’t). Basically anything that reduced normal everyday stressors was amazing.
And please take care of yourself. I also struggled with that – I was a caretaker to my family for several months, and it was hard. Vent out to people less affected by this crisis. Find a support group or therapist if you need it. Take a few hours a week for yourself as much as you can. Lean on friends/family for support.
KinCA
Along these lines, MealTrain.com makes it easy to organize a meal train for friends and family to drop-off meals. I recently used it for the first time when a friend was recovering from major surgery and found it very user-friendly. It also allows you to note dietary preferences and will send reminders when it’s close to your turn to drop-off food.
Thoughts and prayers to your sister, your new nephew, and your family during this difficult time.
Preemie Mom
Prayers and hugs to you and your family. I hope with all my heart for a good outcome. All of the above advice is great great advice, so I’ll just send good vibes and hope for your nephew and your sister. Once baby is out of the woods, feel free to page me as well for any advice for helping your sister survive the long NICU stage.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry, what a terrible time for you and your family. A bit of happy anecdata for you – the same thing happened to one of my elementary school teachers 20+ years ago. I’ve lost touch with them now, but the last I heard the little boy was graduating high school and had a scholarship to a prestigious university. The only adverse effect from the early birth was his underdeveloped lungs. He was never able to play sports or run for a long time but he could still play on the playground with his friends. Sending positive thoughts your way for the same happy outcome.
CHIJD
http://www.takethemameal.com
Take Them a Meal is an easy way to create a customized online sign up sheet that makes it easy for friends and family to take meals to your sister.
KMK
I just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. My cousin went into labor at 24 weeks with her third baby. No one thought Kyle would live…he had a less than 1% chance of survival and was in the hospital for 7 months. When I first saw him, he was the size of a Barbie Doll, his eyes and skin weren’t fully formed, but he was precious. He is now 7 years old and runs and talks and loves his two big brothers. For all he went through, he is doing remarkably well, but those were some very scary and dark times. Just know there is hope out there and people are praying for your sister, your nephew and you.
Anon
Interesting article about the politics of bosses and promotion rates of women. For those of you who have been at multiple firms, have you found this to be the case?
Anon
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/03/14/the-kind-of-boss-who-doesnt-like-to-promote-women/
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I LOVE pricey Monday’s and this tweed jacket, but it is NOT the type of tweed jacket that I am realy lookeing for. I want the kind that Diane Keaton wore in the old Woody Allen Movie. It reminded me of my law school profesor for Tort’s who wanted to date me. Of course, he smelled a lot like Mothball’s but that was another issue.
As for the OP, yes, I have been taken advantage of salary wize, because I am a woman. First, I was makeing onley $12/hour serveing subpeenies when the other schlub’s working there started out at $15 / hour. That is alot less. Then, when I got hired here by the manageing partner, I was onley makeing $53,000/year. But I was billeing more then any one else at the firm!?! So that went on for 5 year’s and I onley worked my way up to $97,000 when I was up for Partner. If it were NOT for my dad, who did all of my negoteaiting for me, I would onley be makeing about $200,000. But he stepped in and got me alot more PLUS increased my clotheing allowance, so I think I have to THANK at least 2 men for me doeing so well. Dad, b/c he is a MENSA, and the manageing partner, who realised that if I went out on my own, or to another WC firm, he would loose thousand’s of billeable hours every year! So we all got smart, and I got my clotheing allowance increased and my salary, and dad manages EVERYTHING for me, includeing the manageing partner.
So the moral is to all in the HIVE: Know your worth, and make sure your dad (or your HUSBAND, if you are lucky enough to have one) advances your best interest! YAY!!!!!
Anonymous
This doesn’t surprise me. So glad I work with progressives.
Anon
I work with progressives and my firm has less than 5% female partners. They don’t even seem to think it’s a problem. Sigh.
Solo Vacation Ideas?
I’m looking for vacation ideas. I’m in my late twenties, single, and am totally burnt out from work. I think a vacation would help but I’m stuck on where to go. I’m looking for a vacation that would be both active (hiking, yoga, etc.) and relaxing (nice pool, nature, etc.) and that I could do solo. I’d appreciate any ideas or recommendations!
Harriet
Where do you live and how far are you looking to travel?
Solo Vacation Ideas?
Good questions. East coast, willing to fly up to 5ish hours, looking to go late April or May. Thanks!
emeralds
St. John in the USVI!
Anon
London, Cotswolds, Lake District.
Wildkitten
Costa Rica!
Anonymous
Tailor made for this.
Carrots
Not the OP, but I’m interested in a solo vacation to Costa Rica in the next few years – any recommendations for places to stay or companies that plan it all out for you? It would be my first solo trip to a location where I wouldn’t speak the official language.
LF
I don’t have any recommendations, but wanted you to be aware that it’s possible to plan a trip to Costa Rica on your own. The country is so tourism dependent that everyone in the tourism industry in the tourist areas speaks at least a smattering of English. We honeymooned in Costa Rica and planned on our own, electing to join a few day tours here and there – and it was totally fun and totally fine. We thought the Lonely Planet guidebook was decent.
Mrs. Jones
Rancho la Puerta in Mexico is perfect. It’s relaxing and also offers a million different activites.
Amelia Earhart
Our demographics are identical and I’m going to Iceland on April 30th.
Anonymous
+1 Iceland is great for solo travelers and has hiking, nature, hot springs.
I feel you
I am same. Though I can’t afford it, I check the Sugar Ridge Antigua resort and the yoga retreat that is at the end of this month. Sounds like exactly what you are looking for. The itinerary looks awesome. I found it from looking at how to cash in my aveda pure privilege points.
Laura B
This is late, but maybe you’ll check back – check out The Yoga Forest at Lake Atitlan Guatemala. I’m headed there next month and am so excited. It sounds like it would be perfect for you.
Advice for sports parents
Needing some wisdom from those of you who have been competitive athletes.
Our daughter is very, very good at her individual sport. She’s 13 and competing at a very high level (national competitions). This is so outside my husband’s and my experience and I’d like to hear from those of you who were athletes — what is the advice/perspective you would give to parents?
Many of the other parents in this sport scare me, especially the ones who are so, so desperate for college scholarships, the ones who always say “we” and never “my kid,” and who in general don’t seem to have a life outside of their child’s sport!
We are trying to establish some parameters — like school before sports, encouraging outside interests, not missing school for non-championship competitions, not building our entire family life around this, so our other kids aren’t held hostage to a sport they have no interest in… already butting heads a little bit with the coach, who seems like such a reasonable person until we say something like, “We’re going out of town and she’ll be missing X days of practice.” I am sure this is all going to get much, much harder.
Thanks in advance for your wisdom!
Anonymous
It sounds to me like you have the right attitude and should just keep doing what you’re doing. I think just by having the attitude that this is your daughter’s sport and not yours, you are doing so much for her compared to all the stage moms. Keep emphasizing school before sports for sure. I was a very serious competitive figure skater growing up (although not at the national level). All of my skating friends got to miss school for competitions all the time, while it was a very rare event for me. At the time I was upset by it, but I’ve since come to realize how much good my parents did me because I went to college and grad school and have a real career while my skating friends (some of whom were very smart) never left our small town and work retail or teach skating. Just remember very few people make it to the Olympics, and even fewer will win an Olympic medal and pretty much everyone who doesn’t win an Olympic medal is going to need to have a career outside the sport someday. I’m not sure how it is in your daughter’s sport, but in skating at least, if you get to a certain level, you pretty much have to train at one of a handful of powerhouse skating clubs in the US. If you don’t live within commuting distance of one, there will be a lot of pressure on you to uproot your lives and move to one of those areas. I wouldn’t do it (especially if you have other kids, but even if you don’t), but be prepared for pressure from coaches and other families and hysterics from your kid about it. Your sport sounds similar to skating, if it isn’t actually skating, and I’m sorry – I wouldn’t wish the skate parent life on anyone.
Anonymous
As somebody with clients and friends who were in the Olympics or trial levels – even athletes who medal frequently need actual outside careers. It’s not a cheap pursuit, either.
can.you.tell.I.hated.sports.in.school?
since she is 13 (in my book that means not entirely unable to make decisions), try to hear what she wants. If she says that moment on top of the podium is so rewarding that she will be motivated to go to practice every single day and sacrifice significant amounts of social life, then support her (how ever much it is compatible with family life). She needs to know that she can quit and she will still be a valuable person loved by her parents (duh). But if she continues to compete, an intense level of commitment is required. IMO, 13 is old enough to have a voice in this, you as parents are not left to try and read her mind.
And big yes to school before sports! With most disciplines it is not very hard to research at what age ‘the greats’ retired from the sport(and much harder, to research what income they make). Very likely, she needs to fill her life with something other than competing for several decades to come.
JJ
Is it a team sport (soccer) or an individual sport (track, etc?). I could see how some coaches would have issues with missing more than a one-off practice for team sports – because that might affect the team. But there are crazy parents out there and they’re not just limited to athletic parents. Stage moms, helicopter parents of any type – my kids are in preschool and I’m already both weirded out and fascinated by these parents.
My dad was a professional athlete and both my sister and I played college athletics, so I’m pretty familiar with this. My parents weren’t the crazy “we” not “my kid” parents, but they did have high expectations of us: good grades, if we did miss school for sports then we were expected to maintain those grades, and as long as we were playing sports year-round, they didn’t require us to get a job. For weekend tournaments, we did a lot of splitting up – my mom and I would go to whichever small town the tournament was in, and my dad and little sister would stay home (or go to their tournaments). Even when we were choosing which college to go to, my parents emphasized that we should go to the college where we’d be happiest with the academics if sports didn’t work out all 4 years.
OP
Individual–we’re not leaving the rest of the soccer team standing around on the field while she’s in school! Thanks for the advice so far. Really, really helpful to hear from those of you who have been there as athletes.
Anonymous
Wild guess–is she a gymnast?
Anonymous
If your daughter actually loves the sport, maybe ask the coach for ideas of at-home workouts she can do to stay in shape while on vacation with the family. But this is definitely in the territory of “ONLY IF YOUR DAUGHTER ACTUALLY WANTS TO” and not, “ruin the family vacation to make sure she does the workouts.”
Katie
Apologies in advance for a long post – I have more to say on this than I initially realized!
Is this a sport that’s recognized by the NCAA? If it’s something she can eventually get scholarships for, it’s a different story than if it’s not. I was a nationally competitive figure skater as a teenager, and while I sacrificed a lot for my sport, I didn’t get much scholarship money for it as it’s not an NCAA sport. (I did apply for Womens’ Sports Foundation scholarships, but the opportunities were limited at the time. This may be different nowadays.) I still remember a school exam that I wasn’t allowed to reschedule because I was going to be away for a competition, yet the professor deemed it a “personal” reason, whereas if my sport was an NCAA one and I’d been representing the school, it wouldn’t have been an issue.
That said, please continue to emphasize grades as well as sports. My family wouldn’t have allowed me to train at a high level if I didn’t keep my grades up. Every athlete’s body will give out at some point, and it’s crucial to have an education to fall back on. In the end, it was my grades and test scores that landed me academic scholarships. Admissions officers didn’t care about my skating. I always attended a public school, but we did work with school counselors to find a few accredited correspondence courses, so I could be in “regular” class with my peers for 4 periods every day, and I made up the remaining credits by correspondence and by logging my hours spent training, and received phys-ed credit for that. If it comes to that, it may be an option to consider.
I (sadly) understand the coach’s frustration in regards to missing practice. Not to justify it, but just to illustrate their perspective: When you have a student with potential and the window of opportunity for athletic success is limited, if a family wants to take a week-long vacation and the athlete is not training during that time, not only is it my paycheck that gets cut, but the time off sets the athlete back. Coaching an athlete to success serves as a coach’s resume – if other parents consistently see that coach’s athlete on top of the podium, it sends more clients their way. When one’s career as a coach is resting on the shoulders of teenagers who begin to discover boys and driving and the mall, it’s a constant issue. I trained at a level that didn’t allow for family vacations – summer break was meant for intense training without the “distractions” of school work, NOT for spending time at the beach. Depending on what sort of coach you have, they simply may not understand vacations and the needs of the athlete’s siblings. Needless to say, life got easier for my family when I was able to drive myself to practice, or when one of the “big kids” (an older teen who could drive) was able to carpool with me.
As much as it can be tempting to push your athlete, what with all the time and money and energy spent on the sport, please allow her to set the pace as much as possible. If she’s upset or had a bad day at practice, she may not feel like she can talk to you because you’re the one paying for it all, which can set up a weird dynamic. My entire identity was wrapped up in my sport, and when I eventually had to walk away due to injury, my world fell apart. A decade later, I’ve had to work with a therapist to unpack some of the issues that my time as a competitive athlete caused, because the world as a whole doesn’t work the same way as the sporting world does. (I’d still do it again in a heartbeat, but not sure I’d choose it for my own hypothetical future child.)
Best of luck to you and your budding athlete! I hope I helped shed a bit of light…
Anonymous
If she wants to win nationals, that means no real time off from training, for family vacations or anything else. That’s reality, not a crazy coach. You need to really think about that and talk about it with her.
Anon
I think you’re very right to approach this cautiously. I had three cousins who were nationally ranked in a team sport. One was even considered for the US Olympic team for whatever year. Their father pushed them SO HARD. The family’s entire life was this sport. They were traveling around the world for exhibition games, etc.
Guess what? Two of the three got college scholarships. Two dropped out of college, and, like the poster above talking about skating friends working retail, have dead-end jobs. One routinely bounces home to live with his parents and he’s 40 now. So, um, they were nationally ranked athletes in high school…yay? There’s so much more to life than peaking at 17 as an athlete.
Not a Sports Mom
Agreed with the others that you have the right idea about this.
I don’t have experience directly as a sports parent, but based on my stepdaughter’s experience I’d caution you to not plan on scholarships for school.
She was doing very well at a similar age in an individual sport, and her mom, who was also involved with that sport as a coach, so she knew her stuff, was very encouraging and touted the numerous scholarships that were out there for that sport. But her playing leveled out a bit and she also had other interests, and while she’s still very good and enjoys playing, she didn’t get any scholarships for said sport.
Lazy lawyer
I was a competitive swimmer growing up (so, very different from skating, gymnastics, etc. which I think are a different level of intensity), and had a partial athletic/academic scholarship at a small D1 college. I’ll be honest: looking back at what my parents went through (the expense, the travel, missing work/school for meets that started Thursday night, early morning / late evening practices), it seems a little nuts. My mother worked a 60% schedule until I was in college, in part to facilitate my participation. Yet, I am incredibly grateful that they allowed me to swim, paid for my meets, and were generally very supportive. Swimming at that level allowed me to attend a wonderful college and graduate with no debt, our closest family friends are from the sport, and (although it’s a cliche) I learned really valuable lessons of time management and being a team player. My parents always emphasized school over everything — it was never a question that I would get good grades, and missing school was only for championship meets, maybe two or three times per year. Also, it was always “my” thing — my parents maintained careers and interests outside my sport, allowed me to travel with the team when possible rather than with them, and made clear that I could quit if it ever became not fun for me. To me, it sounds like you’re doing everything right.
Anonymous
+1 to this. My parents sacrificed a lot for my skating, both financially and in terms of time, but as lazy lawyer said, they always had their own careers and interests (this may be partly because I’m an only child, but the dinner table conversation was usually dominated by the adults’ conversation), took family vacations to non-skating places, encouraged me to carpool with other skaters and their parents to competitions when possible, and always told me I could quit whenever it became un-fun. All those things were important to not letting an expensive and time-consuming sport dominate our lives.
housecounsel
I am the mother of an ex-gymnast who competed all over the country – and burned out in eighth grade. One of the worst things I noticed were entire extended families who were invested physically and emotionally in “their” athlete going to college for free. I saw this in kids as young as 6-8. It just disgusted me. I remember a mother watching her daughter compete and commenting that the tiny muscular girl’s stomach was sticking out. There were a lot of injuries, some eating disorders (luckily my daughter escaped the worst) and so much pressure. I recognize the “we” thing you mentioned. I recognize coaches who wanted to have a lot more influence over our lives than I thought appropriate.
I don’t regret the experience and neither does my daughter. The strength and discipline she developed in gymnastics translated to a team sport she now plays in high school and in a travel team. Now, she spends her weekends surrounded by a gaggle of girls hitting balls, not alone on a beam with a coach yelling at her. She is focused on academics for college, having decided she wants to spend her Saturdays at football games with her friends and not traveling or training.
I would just continue to watch very carefully. It sounds like you already are. If your daughter is in pain, stop. If her coach is pressuring her toward unhealthy habits or thoughts, find a new coach. Don’t let the coach convince you that he/she is the only one who can let your child reach her full potential. And let your daughter know she is worthy for a million different reasons, not just for her sport.
KT
It really depends–how much does your daughter love the sport? Does she enjoy it mainly for the camaraderie with others her age, or is she driven to be number 1? What is her goal? Does she want to do this as a career, in college, etc? Those answers give a bit more perspective…because if she has her eyes on the Olympics and trains like that’s her end goal, that’s a very different story than someone who likes hanging with her friends at practice but will probably lose interest in college.
If she’s serious and will be pursuing scholarships, then I completely understand where the coach/other families are coming from. A week vacation away from practice can mean failure for a competition. If it’s far more casual in her mind and yours, then that’s no big deal.
So I competed seriously at the international level in a solo sport. It was hardcore and intense and required daily practices and then several hours of working out on my own and a very strict diet. I was determined to be the best that ever was and trained like a beast. My parents recognized my drive and supported it. While I was expected to keep my grades up, there were plenty of times when my parents let me skip school to attend multi-day competitions.
When my family went on vacation (I was 15), we talked about it and they let me stay home by myself so I wouldn’t miss practice. The benefit of being obsessed was that I was completely single-minded, so goofing off never occurred to me. Going on vacation was simply a no-go…it would have meant death to my athletic career.
I did go to college, but my school choice was determined by proximity to my coach and training spaces. I did well in school and balanced competing/training, but it was very difficult, I was exhausted and I rarely had free time. I do not regret it at all-I achieved all that I wanted to, but it was very much my choice. My family didn’t push me, but they did support me because they knew it was what I wanted to do.
D1Days
Adding to this as a former nationally ranked competitor (individual). Effectively, I peaked in high school. I graduated with a full ride to a top D1 college, and left high school on a tide of HIGH expectations. Then, after an injury my freshman year, I just couldn’t climb out of a hole of poor performances, re-injuries and apathy for competition.
I was lucky though. My parents were ALWAYS supportive (they went to competitions, were active on the team). But they also helped me cultivate other interests during high school, which helped me figure out alternative plans when I hit rock bottom in college. Against my coach’s wishes, I traveled abroad my junior year (very unusual for scholarship athletes where I attended), and had really interesting jobs over the summer unrelated to my sport. Going abroad re-freshed me enough to finish out my senior year with (some) success, and more importantly, get a great job after graduation.
My parents never let on that they were disappointed that I stepped back in college, and were always excited about my other pursuits.
Also, there is an article out there that really resonated with me – “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent” – and hearing the line “I love to watch you play.” My parents were always friends with other parents on the team, and seemed to enjoywatching me. They’d watch me, cheer for me, cheer for my teammates equally as loudly, and laugh it up with their buddies. It never seemed connected to how well I did. They just seemed like they were having a great time. Loved this as a child, trying to learn from it as a parent now.
Agree the calculus changes if the child is on a team sport.
Former Gymnast
I’m a former competitive gymnast who walked away from the sport at age 12, after 8 years of intense practice and competition. It was a combination of burn out/nagging injuries, genetics (I was starting to hit puberty and with tall parents, genes were not on my side), and wanting to be a “normal” kid for once. After a month or so off, I got antsy again and ended up transitioning to ballet. I danced at a similarly intense level for the rest of junior high and high school.
The thing I appreciated most is that my parents always made it very clear that they loved me as their daughter, and not me the gymnast. They always stressed to me that they would be proud of me as long as I did my best, and that I could tell them I wanted to walk away from the sport at any time, no questions asked. I vividly remember being in the backseat of the car with my mom driving me to the gym and somewhat out of the blue, I said, “I don’t think I want to do this anymore”. She simply replied, “Okay, why don’t you finish this practice and see how you feel?” I did one more workout, told her I was done, and that was that. To this day, it means a lot to me that both parents respected my decision to walk away and trusted that I knew when I had had enough.
My parents also stressed that school and grades came first. If I kept a high GPA and got all A’s, which I usually did, they would find ways to reward me in ways that had to do with gymnastics, which I was super passionate about. I once got to take a day off school to work with a well-known choreographer on a new floor routine. I would occasionally get to take a half-day away from school for private lessons for help with my weaker events a treat for getting good grades. They were also very clear that if my grades slipped at all, these privileges would be revoked.
Gymnastics taught me so great lessons (namely, dedication and discipline), but I’m so glad that my participation in the sport always felt like 100% my choice. My mom always joked that I was running towards the 2016 Olympics and dragging my her and my dad reluctantly behind me.
DPT
I’m an orthopaedic physical therapist, so I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not specializing too early. It is important that she is involved in other physical activities than the one sport she wants to do more seriously for at least part of the year. Most college-level athletes were in multiple sports in high school, coaches look for this. It is important for avoiding injuries and burn-out (mental and physical) and learning to use the body in other ways.
OP
Thanks, everyone, for the helpful perspective, which I really appreciate. Just now getting a chance to post this. There is a lot to think about… great to hear about what your parents did right.
I will try to keep my daughter in the drivers seat and make sure she knows that she’s so much more than her sport.
NYNY
I hate Daylight Saving Time. That is all.
Anonymous
Yep. I almost stayed home today.
Lyssa
I strongly prefer Daylight Savings Time, but I hate the change. Why can’t we just leave things like this, and enjoy the fact that there’s some small chance of getting home before it gets dark?
Anonymous
I highly recommend moving to the western border of a timezone — your own personal, year-round daylight savings time. It’s amazing how much that has done for my mood and overall happiness. But I agree we should always have DST.
Anonymous
I hate the jump forward but I love that the sun now sets at EIGHT PM. Sun, glorious sun!
Anonymous
I used to love that. But now I have kids and 3 year olds do not understand the concept of time. “The sun is still up! It’s not late! It’s not bedtime!”
Ugh.
pre
Me, too! DST for the win!
MDMom
+1. There isn’t enough coffee to fix me today.
Annie
I was going to post that same thing. It is the absolute worst.
Anonymous
I wish daylight saving time was in the winter, not the summer. I hate driving home in the dark during the winter, and I hate having it light outside when I am trying to put my kid to bed in the summer.
tesyaa
Kids walking to school when it’s pitch black in the morning is not a great idea.
Lucy
Your comment made me nostalgic for my school days! I can remember that feeling of walking to school in the cold before sunrise, and back home after swim practice after nightfall.
Anonymous
Might be a smidge easier to transition if we could do it on a Friday night instead of Saturday. Certainly makes for a tough Monday.
Anonymous
…you can, actually. You can do it whenever you want.
Anonymous
Then I would like to do it in June. Sorry work, I will be an hour late until June. Anonymous at 10:18 said it was cool.
Anon
I missed a 7:00 AM meeting because I just couldn’t wake up. I hate the change. I like the DST and just prefer sticking to that even in winter.
Anonymous2
Hate Spring Forward…takes me weeks to not feel tired, out of sync and distressed.
Anonymous
Ugh, this. I’m fine with the fall back, but how dare the spring forward STEAL AN HOUR OF MY SLEEP TIME.
Mainlining all the coffee today.
CPA Lady
I don’t know if this makes me a grumpy old feminist (and if so, fine), but I am so over companies and boards of directors that are 100% male led. When I look for jobs, I don’t want to work at a place that has all male partners. If I were a business owner looking for an accountant or lawyer, I wouldn’t want to hire a firm that had all male partners. Is this just me? It seems so backwards and outdated.
anon
No, it’s not just you. I do the same, largely for the reasons you mention here, but also those cited by the article linked to above. I fear that will harm my prospects.
can.you.tell.I.hated.sports.in.school?
wow, I just realized that I agree fully with a) wouldn’t want to work in an all male-led workplace, but b) never thought twice about hiring an all-men business to do work for me. Somehow, I never questioned this. Eye-opening.
In-House Europe
I proactively try to work with female partners for this reason. Plus, then I can actually talk to them as people, which I have a harder time doing with male contacts. The company I work for is entirely male-managed except for me, which makes me want to try even harder on this!
Jitterbug
Hey now, there’s nothing wrong with being grumpy, old, or a feminist! I agree, it’s really disheartening how male dominated these boards are. If you have Netflix, find some time to watch Miss Representation.
Anonymous
I only hire women professionals. My PCP, OB/gyn, dermatologist, dentist, real estate agent, divorce lawyer, recruiter, daycare provider, and therapist are all women. I need a tax woman (but right now I use Turbo Tax). If I could have all of my student loans serviced by a women-owned company, or if I could use a credit card from a women-owned company, I would! (If those already exist, let me know and I’ll switch!)
Monday
Not grumpy or unreasonable at all. Another thing I’m over is all-male reading lists (where the authors are all male) from course assignments or book clubs. I went on a sort of cleanse, reading all female-authored books for a year or so. I couldn’t keep it up indefinitely, but I feel like even if I could I would never compensate for the rest of my media diet in its male-dominated perspective.
Anonymous
I majored in English and it was shocking how few female authors are studied in general undergraduate English courses. Unless it was a specialized class (like history of women in literature) or a female professor.
Runner 5
+ a million. I actually wrote an essay on this last year; would you be surprised to know that pretty much the only female poets in the first big anthologies were the sisters of famous male poets?
Peach Pye
I like to ask about a company’s lack of diversity ( if it exists) at job interviews. Its amazing how many times I get “the pipeline” excuse. Which is utter nonsense.
Baconpancakes
This reminds me of Notorious RBG’s comment on when there will be enough women on the Supreme Court: When there are nine. I think a little overcorrection would be really healthy for gender in this country, and I am fully on-board with seeking out women professionals for everything from doctors to seamstresses. I’ve had trouble finding female dentists in my medium-small city, though.
Anonymous
Yep.
Coach Laura
I too seek out women doctors, dentists, business owners. I am usually an informed voter but sometimes for things like Port Commissioner or School Board (my kids are grown) I don’t know the candidates well enough. So in that case I always vote for the woman because I feel that many men will not vote for a woman and I’m doing my part to even the scales. I also use that as a deciding factor if two candidates are similar.
MargaretO
I am a cranky millenial feminist and I 100% agree with you, and also seek out businesses/service providers that are run by women, make it a point to read books by female authors, etc. I also tend to stick my nose into things and point out to male acquaintances and friends when something is super male dominated or oriented, and I feel like I have seen quite a few “aha” moments where they see things they haven’t noticed before. No reason to hold the crankiness in – let it all out!
an0nymous
How do you point these things out in a way that these guys can get it? I want to do more of this, but it seems like they’ll just dig in and totally not get what I’m saying.
MargaretO
It probably depends a lot on the guy. I hang out in a pretty left leaning crowd, so everyone I know at least publicly claims to care about equality for women (and in general). I will usually phrase it like “hey, have you noticed that _______” (that panel we went to didn’t have any women on it, 90% of the audience and 100% of the band members at that show were dudes, that guy at the bar was being a creep and wouldn’t leave me alone) Or maybe “wow there were no women on that panel!” “isn’t it crazy that your friend made that horrible comment? ” I say it in a friendly/curious tone, and go into the conversation with the assumption of goodwill on their part and that once they see it they will agree with me that it is egregious. The guys I know tend to be feminists in ideology/theory but don’t always notice the things that women do. So I just point it out casually when I see it, and I do it pretty frequently. Sometimes we have a discussion about it. Sometimes its super awkward. Sometimes they just sort of acknowledge it and we move on without talking about it much.
profmama
Agree completely. Like Anonymous at 10:28, I only work with female service providers.
A small victory: In planning last week’s conference, I realized that two of the panels were entirely women, and went looking for a ‘token male’ to balance things out.
Anonymous
I love this jacket, and I really love the lower priced NYDJ jacket Kat linked to, but for some reason Nordstrom doesn’t ship NYDJ to Canada. It’s SO annoying and completely baffling.
Shopaholic
Check the Bay!
They also carry more stuff in store than online so if you can’t find it online, maybe check a store.
trefoil
They do! Their website auto-detects that I’m in Canada and gives me Canadian shopping options–maybe try deleting your cookies and refresh, or google “nordstrom canada” and use that link? I haven’t ordered from them yet but I keep adding things to my cart, since it’s unlikely one will ever open in my province.
Anonymous
Yes Nordstrom ships to Canada generally, but not the NYDJ brand specifically. It says “This brand does not ship to addresses outside of USA.”
Regular Poster, Anon for this
I applied for a job a week ago and haven’t heard anything yet. I know this is normal but the waiting is killing me! I’m nearing 40, have been at my current job for 8 years, and this job would be a perfect fit. It is the only one I have applied to since theoretically I could stay at my current position – good hours/pay/responsibility – but I am just feeling done here.
*vent over*
lsw
Good luck! Waiting is the worst.
alimony Q
My sister is a SAHM to a guy who drug her all over the country for close to 20 years as they had 4 kids and he was in med school / training / working in another city sometimes. How he’s a 5%-er. She has one year of work experience 20 years ago and no current teaching license (what she did and has a degree for). Due to schooling / loans, they have no real assets. He just has 25-30 years of a high income.
She has a lawyer, but the BIL is insisting that she get something like 7 years @ 3K month in alimony and nominal child support (2K/4 kids). I know that the child support is bs and people rarely get alimony. The alimony offer to me is somewhere b/w crazy and “you should be ashamed of yourself for even proposing it.”
I just want a gut check to get her and my parents off of a ledge (the parents don’t want to bother the lawyer and my sister’s nerves are so shot you can’t have a convo with her right now).
Fwiw, he’s been fishing off the hospital pier with some nurses / interns he works with.
Anonymous
Her lawyer should be handling this. And really? No assets? How is that possible? No house? No retirement accounts? No savings? She should negotiate for a higher percentage of those, if any, instead of alimony. But she has a lawyer, whether your parents like it or not, and the lawyer should handle this.
Wildkitten
Second this – her lawyer should be handling it. Neither child support nor alimony are BS.
Anonymous
I think it’s that disputing child support isn’t worth explaining other than “it’s statutory” so you can ignore a low-ball offer.
Alimony is where the $ looks to be here. I don’t know what’s market, but you counter a crazy initial proposal not with what is market but something that you use to negotiate to market.
OP
I get that. They want a sense of what is normal. I (also a lawyer, but not a divorce lawyer) am who the fam is looking to as a person to gut-check things. I have some financial items that the divorce guy has as asked me for help on.
And yes to no assets: lenders seem to think it’s a good idea to lend doctors $ and that they should buy houses when the move every 3-5 years. The school loans and fellowship loans are staggering for a family of 6. Over time, that would right itself, but if it’s bad for him, it’s awful for her.
Anonymous
If you’re a lawyer, could you call someone in the Bar Association Family Law practice group for your sister’s state? Find out what’s normal as far as alimony in this situation, find out whether your BIL’s medical degree is subject to equitable distribution (it might be, if your sister and BIL were married before he finished the degree), and whether child support is a straight formula (it likely is).
NY anon
Caveat that I do not practice family law, but if I recall correctly, child support is something that cannot be negotiated away (at least in my state). Like, there’s a formula based on income, etc. Alimony IS negotiable, however, so your sister can and should speak with a lawyer about what she is entitled to before she just agrees to BIL’s proposal. Also, there are a ton of other things that will come up over the lifetime of these kids that will require money – camp, school sports, college tuition, clothes, etc. – a determination of how those things are going to be paid for should be in any sort of divorce/custody agreement.
Don’t worry about bothering the lawyer – that’s what she’s paying the lawyer for.
Anonymous
Also, just as a side note, it’s really worth nothing that he is hooking up with coworker’s. I’m sure you know that, but just to keep in mind that the focus can’t be how he is evil and must be about her needs and contributions.
Lyssa
That’s not necessarily true. Fault plays a role in alimony determinations in some states. It’s specifically in our statute as one of the (11 or so, IIRC) factors to consider (just for alimony, not for asset distribution or child issues).
Re: the OP – If the attorney is saying that this is a decent offer, then it might not be a bad idea to get a consult with another attorney in the area for a double-check. There’s not really any way for us to say without knowing more about all of the finances involve, the cost of living in the area, etc. You can also seek assistance in other areas, i.e., he pays her legal fees, funds a retirement account, sets up college funds for the kids, pays for housing or her education/credentialing, etc. as a sort of alimony alternative.
Lyssa
Oh, by alimony alternative, I mean as an alternative to paying more in alimony, not as an alternative to paying alimony all together.
Anonymous
Not an attorney and not legal advice, agreeing with Lyssa re: fault.
And adultery is still illegal in some states, which may be an additional factor.
Anonymous
Keep your jobs, ladies. This is no place you want to end up.
Beans
Yes. Have seen far too many acquaintances end up in this situation.
Anonymous
Total anecdata (and I am not a lawyer) but my mom got 1500/mo in alimony after my parents divorced after 25 years. They sold the house and split the profits. They split what was really my dads retirement (he was the only one working) in half, as well as all cash except the inheritance my dad received from the death of his parents.
While my mom was a SAHM for many years, she was making about 40k doing various part time type things when they split and had no real “career”. He made a decent salary (150k in the 90s, a little less as he scaled back in the aughts).
There was no shady behavior on either side so that did not factor in. My mom was the one that most wanted the split.
His alimony more or less pays her rent (now mortgage) at her very modest place. She makes about 60k/year doing misc work (part time office stuff, some marketing/sales, some babysitting, etc) but no real career path.
Editrix
Just as a point of information: in my state retirement savings by either spouse are considered joint property and subject to equitable distribution. They do not “belong” to the wage earner.
Idea
Fight. Pay for a lawyer.
Her kids will appreciate it.
That is crazy.
Bluestocking
She could consult with another lawyer, just to be sure that what she’s being advised by her current lawyer is accurate. Also, in my area, it’s not unusual for couples to agree to a lower-than-statutory-amount for child support while alimony is being paid, and then child support reverts back to the higher statutory amount once alimony is done. Maybe that’s what the initial offer was?
Hair
Has anyone used one of those hair straightening brushes? Thoughts? I have wavy hair and am hopeless at blow drying it straight but love the way it looks and would like to be able to do it on occasion. Those ‘as seen on TV’ brushes do look appealing but am I just throwing my money away?
Annie
Are you talking about the brushes that have the blow dryer built in? I have the John Frieda brush and use that to blow dry my hair now. My reaction to it is mixed … probably I should have the caveat that I’m not “good” at doing my hair at all and only started blow drying it at all in the last 6 months.
It is a lot easier to use than doing a regular blow dryer + brush combo.
Sometimes I think it makes my hair a lot smoother, too. But I always shower at night, and let my hair air dry until it’s 3/4 dry, then blow dry it. My hair is frizzy and wavy, and so in the morning (whenever I’m going to wear it down), I have to go over it with a flat iron.
KT
Skip the brush–when I’ve tried them in the past, it would do passably well, but after 5 minutes it would frizz and curl right back (my hair is wavy in some places, curly in others).
Get a good flat iron instead, like a Chi or GHD. Dry your hair as best you can, then iron your hair in sections. Once you get used to it, it really doesn’t take long at all.
Smooth styling
I have been using the Babyliss Pro rotating hot air brush for about four months and love it! I dry my hair about 80% with a regular hair dryer first, then switch to the air brush. I have been able to do away with my flat iron, and it has speeded up my morning routine.
Blazers 101
I feel like this is something I should have figured out already, but how do you all manage wearing blazers and not sweating through them? I have been trying to find more sleeved shirts to protect my jackets a bit better than shells do, but it seems they are few and far between. Same with sleeved dresses. I’ve ruined two jackets by pit stains that the dry cleaner can’t remove, and I just bought a beautiful silk blouse that is sitting in my closet because I’m afraid to wear and ruin. I’ve tried those pad-like underarm liners, but it seems too much for every day. I also find I’m more prone to a headache by the end of blazer wearing days because of the collar’s pressure on my neck (I’m in front of a computer all day). Should I be taking it off at my desk or switching to a cardigan on days I wear shells?
Follow-up question: how often do you dry clean jackets? I find myself spacing it out because I am sensitive to the smell of the chemicals.
Please tell me your secrets!
Anonymous
I got prescription antiperspirant. It’s the only thing that would work for me.
Anonymous
If the collar is pressing on your neck, is there a fit issue to consider?
But, yes – take the jacket off if you don’t need to be wearing it to impress someone (client, boss, etc)
Anonymous
What on earth?!? Your blazer should never cause you neck pain. That’s absolutely bonkers. If it is really pressing on your neck it is too small/ill-fitting.
Annie
If you have neck problems, it’s definitely possible that a blazer collar could irritate them, even if it fits properly. I’ve had to give up on wearing anything with a collar for exactly this reason, but luckily I have a job where nobody expects me to wear blazers. No suggestions, unfortunately!
Seattle Freeze
This is hardly bonkers – come on. Some people are just really, really sensitive to anything sitting on the back of their neck – for example, I can’t wear necklaces or heavy scarves, or anything that pulls on my neck – my neck muscles tighten up in response which aggravates my headaches.
OP, you might pay attention to the balance of the blazers you have, or when you’re shopping. If the collar stand is set too high for you, it could cause the blazer to ride up and sit higher on your nect than it should. Sometimes this is due to your own posture, sometimes the cut of the blazer. Or just go to collarless blazers :)
Anonymous
You, also, bonkers. This isn’t normal at all and you should get physical therapy.
Seattle Freeze
Oh, ffs. No amount of physical therapy is going to fix chronic allodynia related to a chronic neurological condition. Bodies are different. Clothes are different. They don’t always match up.
OP
Oh wow. Didn’t mean to spur such vitriol so early. Thanks Seattle Freeze and others for the helpful comments. I’m with you, I am prone to tension in my back and neck already, and a heavy collar, scarf or jewelry just aggravates it more. If I’m not careful, it leads to a migraine with neurological symptoms and I’m shot for the day. Your comments below to Tight Armpits helped me too. Thanks!
I work in a small firm and my office is closest to the front door, so I often have clients or my boss popping in and it would be awkward to put on my jacket while they are in my doorway.
I will take the advice to do the full YMCA in the fitting room before buying any more headache inducing jackets, ha! And maybe look for some fitted sweater jackets.
I appreciate this community as all of my real life community has a business casual office. Even with the occasional snarky comment you all are a wealth of knowledge. Have a great day!
Idea
Oh, what code is “Bonkers” in the new DSM? Thanks, so I can tell my insurance company and you obviously know everything.
lawsuited
Given that the collar is pressing on your neck and you’re quickly sweating through the lining and the fabric of the blazer , it sounds like there’s a good chance that the blazer may be too small. You’re likely sweating more because the blazer is very close-fitting, and sweating through the fabric because the fabric is making so much contact with your skin. When I’m wearing a blazer, the armhole is big enough that only the very bottom of my armpit makes contact with the fabric, and there’s enough ease in the arm and armpit that some air can circulate.
Anonymous
I have a friend I’ve known for close to 10 years. We met at our first job out of college. We still keep in touch and typically catch up a few times a year over brunch or drinks. My husband really likes her husband. Sometimes we all go out to dinner together. We went on a group trip to Mexico with them and 2 other couples 2 years ago. But, what I’m wondering is this – I can’t think of a time in the last 5 years where my friend initiated a get together. It’s always me that asks her if she wants to get together. We always have a good time together. It doesn’t seem that she has many other friends. Is this weird? Maybe she’s an extreme introvert? I’ll continue reaching out to her. I figure if she didn’t like getting together she’s decline or come up with excuses for why she can’t get together.
Anonymous
I just figure I’m awesome at making plans and not everyone is. As long as they say yes and seem enthusiastic I try to not let it get to me.
Anonymous
+1
As the person in this scenario who is bad at planning, I agree. Unless they are declining invitations or seem unenthusiastic about hanging out, I would just chalk it up to them being a good friend who is bad at making plans.
Jitterbug
Some people – myself included – really suck at making plans. Maybe they tried to be more proactive in earlier years but had a hard time getting people to attend, or they’ve always been surrounded by plan-makers so it’s never been necessary (until maybe now) for them to initiate stuff. Best thing is to bring this up with her and ask why she never initiates anything, either she has a reason or she hasn’t thought about it, but it’ll motivate her to take a more active role in making plans with you, and maybe others as well!
greenie
Thank you to those who initiate! I am a horrible planner and am so grateful to friends who stay on top of this.
MargaretO
Have you talked to her about it? I am also the planner in my social circle, and I’ve asked (in a very friendly and non accusatory way) for my friends to reach out to me more. They have. I still do way more of the initiating, but they do it sometimes, and that feels way better to me.
anonymous
How do you demonstrate attention to detail when asked in a job interview? It’s something I’m really good at, but I don’t know how to tell a story about it. Does anyone have any examples?
Anonymous
You planned a large event including speakers, participants, catering, program book, logistics, sponsoring etc.
You stay on top of a project that involves a large number of contributors, vendors, or other people to coordinate.
You give a lot of notes when proofreading manuscripts of others.
But, why do you think you are good/better than others at it? What things do you better that require this? Or what do you see in peers where you say to yourself “I would have handled this better, due to my attention to detail”?
Sad PSA
A lot of us on thiss!te lead very stressful, busy lives. Please remember to take care of your health no matter how busy and stressed you are. I learned this morning that a friend of a friend died over the weekend due to a treatable medical condition that went untreated. The past several weeks, he has been caring for his dying mother. She just passed last week. I’m sure the last thing on his mind was going to a doctor to take care of himself. I think back on how many times I’ve done the same thing – figured I was just tired because of work, put off going to the doctor, assumed because I’m youngish there can’t possibly be something really wrong with me. Some things can’t be put off til tomorrow.
Anon
I also know someone who died just a couple months after his ailing parents died. He did everything for them, put his own welfare on the back burner, and ultimately paid the price for it.
Anonymous
Would you mind saying what the illness was? Maybe then people will remember not to ignore related symptoms. When I put off going to the doctor it’s always a combination of being too busy and assuming the symptoms do not indicate anything serious.
Anonymous
The Wash Post had an interesting article over the weekend on heart attack symptoms in women – a reminder that they are different than the ones you hear about (more geared towards men). This person’s presentation for aterial blockage was nausea and vomiting.
Bonnie
I really like the styling of this jacket. Maybe not in a boatneck but will be pairing striped shirts with my tweed jackets.
AgeAppropriate?
I like this jacket but am on the fence about whether it would be good for me at age ~40. It looks similar to a St Johns jacket – gorgeous but often worn by women 20+ years older than I am now (looking forward to being able to pull them off). I think it would be really aging on me in a way it wouldn’t on a 30yo woman. Anyone else think it’s tricky? Think I’m out in left field?
Anonymous
Mix up the style of the rest of your outfit and you won’t look dowdy. Wear it with jeans, for example.
Seattle Freeze
As styled with a tee & jeans, I don’t think it’s too aging – I’d wear it with a graphic tee. If worn with a silk shell & pearls and formal bottoms, then yes, I think you’d get that St. Johns/churchy look. I love the style of this particular jacket, just not the color.
Best places for short-sleeved shirts?
My summer work wardrobe is woefully lacking. I’m looking for short-sleeve blouses (no button-ups) that I can wear with or without a cardigan. Old Navy has a couple options, as does Loft, and I’m checking out Modcloth, but am I missing any stores?
Anonymous
Boden!
KT
Banana has some lovely ones, as does White House Black Market
Anonymous
+1 Banana Republic, I just bought a few short-sleeved dressy tops from there on the weekend.
CountC
One of my best friends miscarried at 5 weeks yesterday. None of us knew she was pregnant yet, although I suspected due to something she said and because she stopped having a glass of wine at outings. She has been taking Clomid because of fertility issues and was having all sorts of trouble with that prior to getting pregnant. She and her husband were so excited and now they are so sad and it breaks my heart.
I have had other friends struggle with fertility issues, so I know what NOT to say. I continue to sympathize with her and support her feelings (sad and mad). I let her know that I am here for her any time she needs anything, whether it’s for me to do or not to do something. I feel so powerless in my ability to help her and feel so badly that they are going through this.
Would it be bad to send her random flowers at some point? I plan to send a snail mail card letting her know how much I love her, etc. I don’t want to upset her anymore than she already is, so I checked in with her this morning but also don’t want to bug her too much.
Any other suggestions from those of you who have gone through this are greatly appreciated.
Tight armpits
I still have a peace lilly from my first miscarriage. The card (still have) said “we love you and we’re thinking of you.”
Anonymous
Don’t feel like you’re bugging her. Ime, people pretty universally appreciate a check in even if they don’t respond for a while. Flowers in a couple of days or weeks sounds like a lovely idea. When a family member passes, you have a lot of support right off the bat but then people move on with their lives. Having people who will continue to support you during the grieving process is incredibly important. You sound like a really good friend.
Shayla
I miscarried at 12 weeks recently. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I think a card and random flowers would be just perfect, as long as she is generally a flower person–but maybe not flowers to her work if she doesn’t want to answer where they came from. The card saying you love her and you’re there to grieve (she is) or ignore what has happened would be so perfect. Some days I want to ignore this happened to me, some days I just need a friend to acknowledge I lost a baby. And that you love her, as others have said.
May I suggest the Emily McDowell empathy card linked in reply to this comment? A few people did say, “Everything happens for a reason” to me and I did want to punch them in the face. She has other cards that are perfect too.
You’re a good friend, keep it up!
Shayla
Card: http://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards/products/everything-happens-for-a-reason-card
CountC
This is great! Thanks!
Pep
I’m glad I went to the link before commenting – the “description” in the link immediately raised my hackles. I had six miscarriages, and I definitely relate to the desire to punch out everyone who “helpfully” advised that “everything happens for a reason.”
lucy stone
So crappy. I miscarried at 12 weeks last year and I still cry just thinking about it. Definitely send flowers and keep checking in. My best friend called or texted every few days to check in, which was great.
If your friend is able to get pregnant again, there is a great group on Facebook for pregnancy after loss – it’s called Pregnancy After Loss Support and they have several closed groups as well. It’s just really nice to know you aren’t alone.
Anonymous
Just an FYI that I think activity in those groups is visible to all your facebook friends. I have many facebook friends who like and comment on that page’s activity who have never posted about having a pregnancy loss. I wonder if they know that all their facebook friends now know they have had a miscarriage.
lucy stone
That page is visible, the support groups aren’t – good point! My Facebook friends all know about my miscarriage so I don’t care if they see it, but others definitely might.
CountC
Thank you to everyone who has weighed in. I also send warm thoughts to those of you who have suffered this loss.
Anon
You are a really good friend. I’ve had multiple miscarriages, and I recently joined a support group in which several of us admitted to throwing out flowers we had been sent post-miscarriage, because every time we saw the flowers we’d be reminded of the loss. Not everyone did this (I did it for my first one but not for the subsequent ones), but enough that I might think twice about sending a gift or flowers. The things that meant the most to me were periodic texts saying things like “no need to reply, but I wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you.” And to keep checking in after everyone else has moved on. You aren’t bugging her. She’s lucky to have you as a friend.
Delta Dawn
I think flowers would be lovely. You are a very thoughtful friend. I miscarried at 5 weeks last year and didn’t tell anyone but my husband– and I think I would have handled it better if I had a supportive friend like you are being to her.
Send Her Love
Things friends send me after I had a miscarriage: a bottle of nice bubble bath, a makeup palette, and a set of Himalayan salt shot glasses she had originally intended to give me after I had the baby. I loved and appreciated all of the things. Also know that not everyone reacts differently. I had friends who really benefited from online forums. I wanted nothing to do with them, but I did need the love and patience I got from my friends. Also, don’t forget about her spouse/partner – they may not have had to go through the physical part of a miscarriage, but they lost a baby, as well. You’re a good friend, darling.
Send Her Love
*Also know that everyone reacts differently.
CountC
Yes, for sure, re: her husband! He is Mr. Doesn’t Talk About Feelings, but she has said that he is really sad and that he is worried about her but won’t talk about his own feelings. In a move of seriously bad timing, the Expectant Father book he ordered when they found out CAME ON THE DAY OF THE MISCARRIAGE! Aye yi yi. Talk about making things even worse.
She has responded positively and kindly to my text letting her know that if she needs anything I am here and that I am thinking about her and her husband. I still plan to do a card and flowers/plant in a week or so.
Leatty
You are a good friend for being there for her. I knew people who had miscarriages, but never fully understood what they were going through until I had one a few weeks ago. It is a brutal, heart-wrenching experience that I hope to never experience again. I have very much appreciated the cards and random ‘thinking of you’ emails and text messages, and I suspect your friend would as well. Flowers are also a nice sentiment, but as another poster mentioned, may constantly remind your friend of the miscarriage when she is trying to forget. And please, whatever you do, do not say “everything happens for a reason” or “it wasn’t meant to be” or “you’ll be a mother one day” or any of the other platitudes that people think are helpful. Instead, just be there for her, spend time with her, and let her know how much you care.
CountC
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.
I am very careful to never say any of the things that you mentioned. I tend to just say, I am here for you, I love you, I am so sorry for your loss, and I support her feeling sad/mad/whatever emotion is happening at that time. She’s being quite strong and is saying they will get through it and they will be okay, but that is one of those times I let her talk and don’t comment too much because I don’t want to upset her by saying something that would diminish the seriousness or the heartbreak of the miscarriage.
Anonymous
Would you see your friend as your gynecologist? My friend is a gynecologist in our small city. Is it weird to see her as a patient? If she were a florist, absolutely. An accountant, probably. A divorce attorney, probably not. A gyno? Not sure if this is a dont-mix-friends-with-business (lol) situation or an example of a time that you want a trusted confidante/ and to support your friend’s career. Would you feel awkward?
KT
No way no how could I do this! I would clam up and probably never ask a real question and then just be horribly mortified the whole visit
Anonymous
Phrasing!
JJ
Are we not doing phrasing anymore?!
Baconpancakes
+1
Anonymous
Huh?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be able to do it, much as I would want to support my friend.
Anonymous
Nope, I wouldn’t do it. It would also make your doctor friend uncomfortable. You do NOT have to support her this way. Instead, feel free to tell your friends about her if they are looking for a doctor. This I have done.
And I’m a doctor.
And I HATE that my health insurance pushes me to see the doctors at my hospital. The last thing you want is to be giving a talk, meeting with a patient etc.. and to see a doctor that has seen you naked walk into the room. Not good….
HSAL
Depends on your comfort level. If it was someone that I’d talk about my ladyparts with anyway, I’d do it. A casual friend (or a male friend/gyno)? Nope.
ILovePrivacy
I wouldn’t go to a friend as a doctor (or a lawyer). When you’re healthy it’s fine, but think of what would happen if you had a medical problem. Pain during intercourse, infertility and UTIs are all things I would definitely tell a doctor and might discuss with a friend, but would never want to be forced to tell a friend.
cbackson
Ha, I would be totally okay with it. I have a friend who’s in that field, and if she lived in my city I would definitely want her to do my lady care and deliver my babies.
CountC
Same. I talk to my closest female friends about all this stuff anyway and I would not be good friends with someone who didn’t respect doctor/patient confidentiality and who didn’t act with the utmost professionalism.
Just 2awkward
I wouldn’t let a real friend cut my hair, much less ‘down there’.
There is a highly recommended ob/gyne who goes to my synagogue. No, thank you!
Tight armpits
I am a skinny girl (30″ band size) with skinny arms. I’ve lately run into the armpit / arm hole seams in blouses being too tight. Sizing up doesn’t help because then the item is too large overall (and I don’t have the budget to add extensive tapering to items). I had an incredible hulk moment where the seams gave way on a silk blouse (so now I do a full YMCA with a tucked-in shirt in the dressing room).
Latest offenders are:
Brooks Brothers Red Fleece
Boden (older Boden tops / dresses are fine; two newer ones from last year feel tight and one new order is just going back — relaxed fit everywhere but the armpits)
Seattle Freeze
Do you have broad shoulders? If the blouse is too narrow in the shoulders, then you’ll feel tightness in the armscye (armhole opening) – basically stealing space when it’s not available where it should be. I ran into this with several tops at Zara when shopping this weekend. Try comparing a too tight top – maybe one of the Boden tops you’re returning – to a top you have that fits well; you might see that the width at the shoulders is wider in the one that fits.
Tight armpits
No! I have no shoulders at all! I am built like a child (so no boobs, either). It is crazy!
Anonymous
You could be long between the shoulders and the armpits (often demonstrated by struggling to wear sports bras with fixed/racer backs)
Email woes
Hi all,
I need either some guidance or a reality check regarding email responses from colleagues. For background, I work at a startup and am fairly senior. I have a lot of influence over hiring, promotions, and assignments. So you’d think I’m someone who my coworkers don’t want to annoy!
The issue is that I have to send multiple reminders to get people to respond/act on my emails. It drives me nuts, but I don’t know if my expectations are unreasonable and I just need to get over myself. There is no pattern among the offenders; they are senior and junior, old and young, full-time and part-time, male and female. Strategies I use:
Keeping the email short and concise
Putting questions or action items at the bottom and in bold
Using clear subject headings
Keeping the tone friendly but businesslike
We are geographically spread out and in different time zones, so stopping by someone’s office is not an option and calling can be inefficient. I have asked my bosses what to do, and they basically just said that I should keep sending reminders. I hate having my time wasted, but maybe that is an inevitable part of work? For what it’s worth, I never let emails go unaddressed so I know that none of my colleagues has this same complaint about me.
Anon
I’ve started putting the question/action item first, with explanation below. That way people instantly know some action is required from them.
Anonymama
Yes, put the action item and when you need it by at the top. (Provide widget production numbers by Friday)
micromanaging?
Do you give them a deadline? If so, have they gotten used to the fact that the first deadline is not a hard one, as they will get further reminders from you after they miss the first deadline?
Or, do you give them a large-ish project with a longer time frame, then implicitly expect to hear from them before the time is up? If so, either be more explicit (please update me two weeks from now on the progress and let me know if you need further input from my side), if appropriate, justify why you are micromanaging (last time, we missed the deadline, so for this project, please keep me updated on a weekly basis so I can be sure we don’t miss it again) or stop micromanaging and expect an answer by the time of deadline(if your colleagues are reliable).
You never mentioned whether any of these people report to you. I guess start-ups sometimes don’t have regular hierarchies. In that case, maybe you can get your boss to clarify that (Jane is in charge of project X).
OP
Thanks. Yes, some of these recipients report to me and are generally great workers. I already think it’s been made clear that I am in charge of X, but maybe that needs to be reinforced.
Anonymous
Are you putting a timeline to your request? Something to help people prioritize? If you’re pretty senior a deadline could be appropriate in some situations. Also, there are add ons to email programs where it can automatically re send if you don’t get a reply, boomerang is one for g mail.
OP
I have Boomerang, but when you request that it return if no one responds, it only comes back to your own inbox–it does not resend to everyone else. I would love that though. I just looked for this feature and could not find it, but let me know if I am missing something.
Opal
Are your requests (for lack of better word) obnoxious? Too frequent? Are they consistent with how others request work to be done? Have you asked your peers if they’re having the same problem and, if not, how they’re able to manage around this?
I worked for a firm where one person in particular would bold red, blue and green her emails to her peers, seniors and subordinates, alike, and would put things like “ACTION REQUIRED” or “UPCOMING DEADLINE”, and other fun things in her subject lines that, on a standalone, sounded productive, but they came 1-3 times daily. Lots of bold and underlines in her emails. It was just so freaking over the top and demeaning that everyone just ignored her. No one else conducted themselves that way. I think she was an extreme case, but that’s also something to consider.
OP
I’m very wary of this. I have never used color of any kind or any caps, and the subject headings are just like “X Committee next steps.” The time that elapsed between my first email and the reminder, in the most recent case, was 6 days. If anything, I wonder if I need to get a little more aggressive about needing actions and giving timelines.
I don’t have many examples of how peers make requests but I will look out for that.
Anonymous
I agree with putting the action first. When you said you bold it at the bottom and in bold, I picture something that might be easily overlooked. (It might subconsciously look like part of an email signature)
That said, what do I know. Some people don’t respond to my emails seemingly no matter what I say, so they get “hey, did you see my email?” reminders, or I ask if they received my email when I see them in the hall (small firm).
Paging an MD
Do doctors get notifications when a medical record request has been initiated?
I’m (really) bad at break ups, but I think it’s time to find a new plastic surgeon for reconstruction. I’ve been with my guy for 2 years, have great personal rapport with him but I’m just not happy with how I look. I’ve consulted with someone who has done phenomenal work on people I know but they need surgical records prior to an appointment.
Will my current doc find out? It’s not uncommon to run into each other in our med-size city, so I’d like to avoid as much awkwardness as possible.
Anonymous
I’m sure somebody in their office would know, but it’s not weird and is in fact your right to request a copy of your medical records. I’d just do that and hand carry them to the new office.
Anonymous
Omg. Ladies can we collectively practice our Dowager Countess of Grantham pose? He is the staff. Respected, professional, important, and at the end of the day someone you pay money to perform a service. Get a grip and just handle this.
micromanaging?
quite so, my dear. I do not understand this new frenzy of staff having feelings.
Anonymous
Nope, they don’t tell the doctor typically.
And this happens ALL THE TIME. Don’t feel bad at all. Also, the new doctor’s office should obtain the records for you so you aren’t involved at all. You just sign a form at the new doctor’s office, and they use it to obtain the records.
And sometimes it is good for the old doctor to find out. Honestly….
If you run into the doc, you tell them whatever…. You got a gift, your insurance changed, wanted to try something new etc…
January
Don’t forget HIPAA! Some doctors don’t like to talk to their patients in public because of privacy concerns. You are likely safe from any awkward confrontations.
AnonMD
Yes we know but we usually don’t care. If you are not happy, find someone else. We don’t take everything personally.
In many offices, the staff are required to show the MD the request to make sure the correct info is sent. Ie. you can’t send copies of another MDs records that are currently in the patients chart. You also may be charged a fee to copy your record. This is typically waived if sent directly to another office.
You will see him in public after you have had your work done, say hi and keep it moving.
Anonymous
I called my small town high school recently for some documents I thought they might have (I graduated 10 years ago, so I wasn’t sure). The woman I talked to in guidance was there when I was there, and she was very helpful – she said they had to go in to the basement and look through boxes to find the paperwork! – but they did have the records.
She then asked if I wanted to come by and pick it up or if she should mail it. I said I now lived in DC 6 hours away so I would need them mailed.
She was so excited for me, to hear about my career and how I had gone on to grad school, etc. I’m thinking of updating a couple other people on what I ended up doing with my life, but is that weird? I don’t want to brag, but some people seem genuinely happy to hear about how I’m doing. Could I/should I send cards/letters to committees that provided me scholarships, for example?
Wildkitten
Sure!
Sus
I’m always happy to hear from former interns because I can use their stories of successes and failures as a teaching tool for my current interns.
In the case of those who provided you with a scholarship, think of how happy they’ll be to hear about the difference their scholarship made in your life!
Anonymous
That is an absolutely lovely idea. The update on your life is also combined with a “Thank you for helping to get me here”. Actually, this is really important for the scholarship agencies and they will never forget you for taking the time to do this.
I did this when I was around your age. It was mostly via Christmas/holiday cards to women that were role models for me. I told them how much I had looked up to them/valued them etc.. and gave them updates on my life. These women were really touched, and several reached out to me and advocated for me later in life… these are Deans, heads of department now etc…
At it really is lovely for them. I promise you they will appreciate hearing from you.
Idea
As a bonus if things ever slide downhill for you, you will be able to reach out to these people again and they will have new, positive impressions of you making them likely to help you.
I did this for years for college professors and even staff that I had great relationships with – just a card at holiday time with a quick note.
LSAT tutoring?
Does anyone here have any experience teaching or tutoring LSAT? I am a junior associate at a small firm and am looking to make some extra money to pay off some bad credit card debt (sigh, poor financial choices in my past). I scored in 99% on LSAT so I imagine I could probably find a gig somewhere but am also working full time so obviously looking for flexibility with work schedule. Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
I did it in law school and overall had a good experience. The pay was pretty good per hour but the company I worked with only let me have one student at a time so it was less than 5 hours per week. It was pretty flexible, the individual student and I worked out the times, and many students had full-time jobs and wanted to do nights and weekends. My company’s cut-off score for tutors was 95th percentile so your score should definitely be good enough.
Wildkitten
I trained to do it with Kaplan but didn’t end up teaching a class. You can pick your availability with them – so you could do a Saturday class, or a Tuesday class, but you can’t skip a random Tuesday because you are working late. You have to do the classes on your schedule.
Freedom
I recently settled my credit card debt. The outstanding debt was such a burden on my credit. It was going to take me 7 years to pay it off if I cut back and took no vacations (assuming no raises or serious unforeseen costs). Talk to a bankruptcy attorney who does debt settlement about settling it. The banks would take advantage of it if they were you. I’ve since opened two new cards (speaking more to ability to do so than bad habits repeating – I have no debt now).
I was very hesitant to do this because I owed the money you know? I took it out in law school and used it for living expenses. But my attorney showed me that with fees and interest (I used to transfer the balances for almost nothing but that stopped working eventually) I had paid more than double what I borrowed. The tax consequences weren’t bad either. The whole thing took a year. And it wasn’t fun but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders and now I have 6 years to use all the cash I’m saving by not paying my credit cards for things I need until it falls off my credit score. FWIW I wasn’t looking to buy a house or car anytime soon. And my credit score has gone up (about 40 points but still) since all this went down. I thought about bartending or doing LSAT classes but I am already working 60-70 hours per week.
Wildkitten
I am going to NOLA this weekend and need to get my SO a gift. Is there something awesome in NOLA I could get us tickets to?
Idea
Isn’t the House of Blues or something there famous?
SC
Not sure of your tastes or budget, but here are a couple of ideas-
Snug Harbor. The Ellis Marsalis Quintet is playing on Friday night at 8 and 10. There’s a tribute to Nat King Cole Saturday night. I highly recommend them. This is one of the few jazz shows that you buy tickets for in advance, but it’s also one of the few where you sit at a table. Average age of the patrons there is probably 50 – not sure if that’s a good or bad thing for you. Afterwards, if you’re still in the mood, you can wander around Frenchman to other shows (usually free or small cover).
Rock n’ Bowl – Basically, live music while bowling. Very cool, relaxed atmosphere. There’s also food and beer.
If you’re thinking more cultural, Le Petit Theatre has performances of The Glass Managerie this weekend. The New Orleans Philharmonic Orchestra is also having a big fundraiser and concert at the Orpheum Theater.
If you’d like something food-related and over-the-top, I’ve enjoyed the Langlois dinners/cooking classes. I went for a corporate event and didn’t pay my own way, but I probably would if I had the money and wanted something more interactive than just going to dinner.
If you want to do something touristy and fun, you could buy tickets to a ghost tour or a cocktail tour or a cemetery tour. Or, if you have more time, you could take one of the swamp tours or plantation tours, which require taking a bus or driving a little ways out of the city.
Also, FYI, there are a couple of free festivals/fundraisers this weekend. On Saturday, there’s the Fete Francaise, which has a pretty good musical lineup. And Sunday is “Super Sunday,” which is hard to explain, but I’ll let you google it.
Wildkitten
Thank you!
Editrix
Have dinner at Cochon and go see the Hot 8 Brass Band! I also really enjoyed a (perfectly flat) cycling tour with Confederacy of Cruisers.
Solo
Guys, I won a hard fought case in my state’s appellate court today. I’m a solo practitioner, (sadly) single/no kids, and now all I can think is that I have no one to celebrate with. Womp womp. Give me fun suggestions:-)
Shots. Shots. Shots.
You rang? Have you any friends at all? I would love to meet them tonight, or, if they are old and boring, Friday. Would you like to make new friends? I can also help with that. Would you like to lower your inhibitions enough to weep like a baby into your ice cream while watch The Bachelor tonight? (Team JoJo all the way). Again, I am here, I am excited for you, and I am ready to celebrate.
Wildkitten
I love shots but this definitely calls for champagne and a flourless chocolate cake.
Solo
Hahahah. Yes I have friends but they live far away! I need more local friends.
But yes, in the interim you may make an appearance. Perhaps I’ll take myself out on a date tonight.
lost academic
My friend, thanks for joining me in Las Vegas Friday night! Sorry we couldn’t get together again Saturday night but it turns out you were almost too much for me. I’m sure, though, we’ll chat again soon!
lucy stone
Tell your friends! I won a huge case last year and send out a group text to all my friends to come celebrate. We ended up having 8 people spur of the moment on a weeknight and it was a great time.
Senior Attorney
WOMP WOMP!!
Congratulations!! I like the idea of taking yourself out on a date. Sit at the bar and brag to the bartender!!
Jordan
This. I think my best friends might be my bartender, the cleaning people, and my dog. But man, what a supportive group of peeps.
Blonde Lawyer
My parents love hearing about my wins, even the small ones. If they are still in your life, consider giving them a ring. There are likely local list serves for your practice area that like to follow updates in the law. Try to find one and join it or ask a member to send out an update on your behalf.
Solo
Oh I already told my mom about it. :-)
Anonymous
My first reaction to any news, good or bad, is to buy myself something nice.
Congrats!
AttiredAttorney
Book a last minute post-work massage or mani/pedi, preferably at a place that offers champagne while you’re getting pampered!
Jitterbug
I’m getting so annoyed by all the engagement/wedding talk around me these days. One member of my team got engaged a few months ago, another is in a long-term relationship and has been waiting for a ring for a while, and either she’s still waiting or just got engaged I’m not sure (but I’ve been hearing a ton of “don’t let him take tooooo loooooong” comments for months), and she also goes to a ton of weddings every summer so she’s always talking about those trips, and the baccalaureate parties, etc. And recently. another coworker bought a ring and he’s planning his proposal, and one coworker is especially interested in everyone’s engagement/wedding plans so she loves talking to people about them, but when I’m at work, I don’t need to hear about rings and proposals and dresses and commitaphobe boyfriends all day! I’m happy for these people, I just wish they’d stop talking about that stuff every single day.
Anonymous
I mean, I get that married and engaged people can be smug to singles, but it sounds like they are just expressing happiness for their friends and co-workers, not judging you. You sound like kind of a grinch, to be honest.
an0nymous
I don’t think it’s grinchy to be annoyed by 24/7 wedding talk. That can happen even if you’re super happy for friends, or appreciate that others are. Whether the behavior itself is a problem and being annoyed by it are two separate things.
Monday
Carolyn Hax recently pointed out that when a group tends always to converse on the same topic, it’s a problem no matter what that topic is. I like that perspective because it removes the judgment on certain issues (kids, marriages, weight, money.) I took it as a nudge to diversify group conversations when I can. There are so many other things to talk about!
anon
Psh. She’s not a grinch, and it’s rude of you to say that. That’s such a smug married comment in and of itself- guess what, single people *are* allowed to have feelings and those feelings shouldn’t be devalued just because they don’t exalt all things married-couple. That stuff really can get annoying, because in the late 20’s its totally pervasive. Further, if you don’t have a partner but want one, being inundated with this stuff reminds you of the fact that you don’t have it.
And no, your ring/florist/guestlist/bachelorette/pregnancy/morning sickness/breast pump/maternity clothes is not. that. interesting to someone who isn’t going through the same thing.
Also, lol @ “baccalaureate parties, etc.” auto-correct. Good job, autocorrect! :D
MargaretO
Maybe I am a grinch too but I’m right there with you. Wedding/relationship talk gets really boring for me after the first 10 minutes or so. I’m fine with it when its just one of many topics of conversation but if that’s all a group of women can discuss I lose my mind pretty quickly.
Wildkitten
I don’t actually care about people’s weddings but it gives me something to talk to them about besides “How was your weekend?” “Isn’t Donald Trump nutty?” It gives me a whole series of questions that are polite conversation but different than the ones I ask everyone every day.
Anonymama
Yes, I feel like 90% of the wedding/engagement chit chat is people trying to be friendly and it’s the easiest pleasant small talk conversation they can think of, and slightly more personal than the generic “how are you?” (how’s wedding planning going?) maybe you can head it off by bringing up different topics…. Like if someone says, “how’s it going?” Instead of just answering good/fine/etc., actually give a real answer: I just got back from Montana, I’m excited for my picnic/concert/race/ dance contest plans next weekend, my dog just learned x strange trick.
anon
For sure. I for one would like to know when it ISN’T engagement season? This comes from the jeweler advertisements but come on. It’s like every freaking month. I’m happy for the people I know. It is starting to feel like I am one of the last people picked in gym class sometimes though. I am a nice person. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I have a good body, and job and car. It does start to pile up sometimes. What’s so wrong with me? Why is this so hard for me and so easy for everyone else?
Baconpancakes
Aw poop. I didn’t get the job I was PERFECT for (seems like a theme today) so it’s back to the drawing board on applications. Trying really hard to combat the mental narrative of “They know you’re not good enough and that’s why you didn’t get it so maybe you should just wallow and give up on life and take the low-paying position doing easy stuff instead of trying so hard.” They actually just promoted someone from within, which makes perfect sense, but that darn little voice is just taunting me.
Wildkitten
Have a shower beer tonight and go to sleep early. Take a few days off the job applications and do something good for someone else. You’ll feel better in a few days.
Been there three times this year already.
Anon in NYC
Poop, indeed! Also, just know that you’re not alone with the mental narrative.
Anon in NYC
Hmm. My comment appears to have been eaten, so I apologize if this posts twice, but… poop, indeed! You’re not alone with the mental voice. Try to take it easy on yourself tonight – put off that annoying chore that can be done tomorrow. Netflix and chill.
Kel
We celebrated our twins 1st birthday last Saturday by hosting a BBQ at our house. A friend of ours came to the party and mid-way throught the party she said she wasn’t feeling good so her and her husband and 2 small children headed home. I sent her a text Tuesday morning asking how she was feeling. She said she felt absolutely terrI bled and was diagnosed with the flu. Her whole family got the flu shot but not her. Sure enough Tuesday afternoon one of my twins got it and then Friday my other twin got it. After 4 nights of zero sleep my husband and I both got it. I am now on day 3 of missing work between my kids and now myself. I’m laying in bed feeling terrible currently. And I’m MAD. I’m MAD at my friend. I realize it’s irrational. She didn’t know she was sick. And I’m mad that my kids get sick all.the.fucking.time. How do people work full time jobs with 2 one year old son and not get fired??? I work part time and it’s still ridiculous. Rant over.
Anonymous
Why didn’t you and your husband get the flu shot?
Kel
We did! My whole family did! But we still managed to get the flu. I feel pretty crappy but I’m sure I’d feel worse if I wasn’t vaccinated.
Wildkitten
If the flu y’all have isn’t one of the ones covered by the flu shot this year, her getting the flu shot would not have helped. If it is one covered by the flu shot, you and your husband would not be sick. So – that really sucks that y’all are sick but there’s nobody to blame, unfortunately.
Kel
My son was tested for the flu and the ped said it was the strain covered. Uhhhh…my body confirms that that is a lie. Lol
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re all sick but I really doubt it is influenza. The flu shot is not perfect but if you all (including the kids?) got the shot, I find it hard to believe that the flu shot failed for all four of you. The statistical odds of that happening are incredibly low.
Kel
It’s the flu. Confirmed by a test at the pediatrician’s office. Fever of 103 in children is not the result of a cold.
Anonymous
if you got sick with the flu shot, that means it was a different strain than the shot included, which means it wouldn’t have mattered if your friend got the shot.
Pesh
That’s not how it works. The shot only protects against certain strands of the flu. So getting the shot doesn’t mean that you would have felt worse if you hadn’t gotten it. It means you got a strand that you weren’t vaccinated against.
ORD
My husband got the flu this year too, despite getting the shot. Turns out you are contagious 24 hours prior to feeling symptoms, so I bet your friend didn’t realize what was coming. The doc put my husband on tamiflu a day after he got sick. He put me on it, too, as a preventative, and I never got sick like my husband did; just felt kind of down and had a cough. Somehow my kids didn’t get it. So anyway, you might want to look into tamiflu. But for your other question, yes I remember years of colds and ear infections when my kids were little — it gets better . . .
Wildkitten
I do wonder how people with kids aren’t sick all the time, because kids are germ factories. Do you just put hand sanitizer stands all over you house like its a cruise ship?
ProllyNoLongerAnon
My husband coaches a team of 2nd and 3rd graders that meet at our house. 1 of the children is a recent cancer survivor. We have a 10-month old, and I’m pregnant.
One of the 3rd graders missed practice a few weeks ago… due to chicken pox. Oh really? Did she get the vaccine, because I know it’s not 100% effective, I ask the mother when the child has recovered and is at our house again.
No, the mother (who is a teacher) did not get her children the chicken pox vaccine! But then was worried about about the cancer surviving kid being exposed to chicken pox while she is still suffereing from immune deficiency! ARGH!
*no advice, only empathy. People are stupid and semi-selfish and sometimes it affects you and sometimes it doesn’t but why can’t they just be sure about it and get a vaccine, dammit?
Old "Kel"
Is there another Kel now?
Anonymous
Frizzy hair help? Since having my second son, my hair changed and while it used to be curley, now it is more straight/wavy but with serious, serious frizz around my head. Left untouched, I look like Albert Einstein. My old products don’t touch this, and I’ve tried about 6 things from the drugstore, with no success. Any product suggestion to deal with serious frizzy hair?
Bewitched
Moroccan oil and ceramic hair straightner.
Anon
+1 to ceramic hair straightener. Never had luck with products except to avoid humectants at all costs (a give away is any product that advertises giving you volume or softness).
Anon
Oh, and a good ceramic or other straight iron will cost you at least $100, and I spend $200 on mine. You want it to heat up to 400 degrees. Drug store versions aren’t worth it.
Stormtrooper
Ouidad. Pricy but good
Anon
I use some combination of smoothing lotion and glossing serum (a multitude of price points over the years – I’m using Living Proof at the moment), combined with a straight iron, and I’m set.
It really is the combination of products that’s necessary for me. One product alone won’t do it.
Lilly
Thanks to Marie Kondo I tossed I don’t know how many $ worth of anti-frizz stuff I acquired over the years which did not “give me joy”. If you are willing to blow dry, here is what gives my coarse frizzy hair the just came from the salon look: (all are Amika brand) Power Cloud blow dryer; Bombshell Blow Out Spray; Heat Defense Serum, Straight Up Smoothing Balm, and a very big ceramic round brush. Some of the hair product come in low cost to try 2 oz sizes. Out of the shower, wrap hair in old tee shirt to remove moisture. Don’t rub with a towel. Piddle around letting the dog out, making coffee, etc. By then, tee shirt has done its job. Comb out hair, add a tiny dab of heat defense serum and work through hair. Ditto smoothing balm. Pre dry hair lightly then section with clips. I do big sections. Blow dry using giant round ceramic brush, spraying each section with blow out spray before drying. From the combing, this takes me about fifteen minutes for coarse, thick shoulder length hair. It is truly the only thing that defeats my frizzies. The hair dryer is a big part of it. It’s expensive, but lays me about 4 years before needing replacement. I do this most but not all days, and my hair stays soft and in good condition. I don’t work for Amika. I do think they have the best product for this out there, and I have tried uncountable salon and drug store products.
KT
Throwing this out there–it’s not for everyone but has been literally life changing for me.
My hair has always been super frizzy. No amount of product or ironing could conquer it.
I got Japanese Straightening, and now my hair is perfectly smooth and straight, even when I just let it air dry. It looks like I got a blowout every day. It’s expensive and take a while, but the results can last 6-12 months before you need a touchup.
I don’t even bother with irons or products anymore. I rough dry with my hands and off I go.
Eliza
+100. I have a touchup appointment in two weeks. I’ve been getting my hair Japanese straightened annually since 2003 and it’s a miracle for my hair.
Kel
We celebrated our twins first birthday last Saturday by hosting a BBQ at our house. A friend of ours and her hUSB and and 2 small children left early because she wasn’t feeling well. I sent her a text on Monday afternoon asking how she’s feeling. She said she had the flu and that she didn’t get a flu shot but the rest of her family did. Sure enough one of my boys got sick Tuesday, then the other one Friday. After 4 nights with minimal sleep my husband and I got it Saturday. I am now lating in bed missing my 3rd day of work. How do people work full time with kids? Is it even possible? I can hardly work part time at this point. And I’m MAD. I’m MAD at my friend for not getting a flu shot and for getting us all sick! I realize this is not really rational but I feel like I need someone to blame in this moment.
Anonymous
But doesn’t this mean your family didn’t get flu shots?
Kel
Sorry. I forgot to include that critical information because to me it is a no brainer! My entire family received flu shots.
Kel
Sorry. I forgot to include that critical information because to me it is a no brainer! My entire family received flu a flu shot.
Anon
If your family got it and you’ve all been inoculated, then it stands to reason that this is a strain of the flu that isn’t covered by the vaccine, and whether your friend received the shot wouldn’t have mattered.
Researchers GUESS which flu strains will be prevalent in the future when they first start making up the vaccine for the coming flu season. In “good years” when they guess correctly, the vaccine only matches about 60% of flu strains active in any year. In 2014-15, they only matched 20% of strains.
The flu shot is not an immunity blanket.
Anonymous
Agreed, and who knows if this family even has the actual flu – it’s easy to mistake it for a cold or another virus.
Anonymous
Attorneys: Do you ever feel anxiety about losing a case? I have a hearing this week in which I am going to get solidly beaten down, our client was in the wrong and the other side is going to get attorney’s fees. And it is in front of a new judge that I have not yet appeared before. I don’t take the case personally, but this is the first case where I’ve known for weeks that unless a miracle happens, we’re going to lose and there will be a long oral ruling on why we are wrong, makes me feel extremely anxious. I guess I’m wondering how much anxiety is normal. FWIW, I’ve been in practice four years.
Anon in NYC
Sure, I get anxious. I would describe that anxiety as a sort of consistent low-level hum and tension. I think it’s normal to be anxious when you know you don’t have a good case, even if you’ve been a practicing attorney for decades. My only concern would be whether the client is appropriately prepared for the outcome. So long as you did everything you could, and made every appropriate legal argument available, it’s not a reflection of your skills as an attorney. It’s disappointing, of course, but that’s how it goes.
If you feel like your anxiety goes well beyond that – preventing you from sleeping/eating, enjoying life, dwelling on the case to an extreme degree, and the like – you may want to talk to a doctor about it.
Been there
Anxiety is perfectly normal and I sympathize with your situation. Before I left my firm to go in-house, I was staffed on an appeal that was a total loser and had to draft the opening/reply brief. It was a miserable experience because our arguments were weak and made us and our client look foolish. I was sooo relieved that I changed jobs and was able to withdraw my appearance so that I appeared nowhere in the (thankfully unpublished) court of appeals decision smacking down our client.
Every case that doesn’t settle has a losing side, and this, too, shall pass…
anon
Manage your client’s expectations. I usually undersell at least 10%.