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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 106 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Cobble Hill Medium Serena

Coffee Break

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Cobble Hill Medium SerenaKate Spade is having one of their surprise sales, with prices up to 75% off. As of this morning, there were a ton of nice things on fairly deep discounts — leather wallets with fun prints, cheeky clutches, STEEP discounts on lots of office appropriate dresses, baby bags, and of course, tons of classic bags. This Serena tote looks like the must-have, throw-everything-into-it-and-still-look-great bag — I like the goldtone hardware on the strap, the stripey lining, and the simple pebbled black leather (it's also available in a tan “oatmeal”). It was $298, but is now marked to $129 (final sale only, alas). Cobble Hill Medium Serena (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Joanna Toews

    [Reposting on the newer thread]

    Hi there, all…

    (Grand)parent help’s discussion yesterday touched a lot on not-so-great parents becoming wonderful grandparents. Wondering if any of you have experience/advice with abusive parents (hopefully) becoming wonderful grandparents?

    Context…

    I’m currently 4.5 months pregnant and am thinking hard about my in-laws… my MIL in particular. She was brutally abused in all manner of ways as a child and has several (undiagnosed) intellectual and mental health disabilities. She was emotionally and physically abusive to my husband and SIL when they were growing up, to the point where the SIL landed in the hospital a couple times. FIL was more of a bystander, but considered the abuse to be acceptable discipline (born in the 1930s, rural blue-collar upbringing).

    Mr. Toews and SIL have reconciled with their mother at this point. They call their parents several times a week to keep in touch. Both have gone through therapy to deal with the past abuse. (FWIW, their parents are of the generational/cultural mindset where counselling is for “broken homes” and “sick minds,” so… yeah. No counselling for either of them.)

    SIL has two children in their teens, but they live in another province, so they haven’t had as much inperson contact with their grandparents as our kid likely will. They do have a very positive, affectionate relationship when they do see each other, FWIW.

    Thoughts? Anything would be helpful. Of course, I’m largely concerned with our kid’s emotional and physical well-being.

    • mascot

      My grandparents were high-functioning alcoholics and my grandfather could be a real jerk (emotional and likely some physical abuse to my dad and his siblings). My grandfather had mellowed by the time of grandkids, although he was still a bit gruff. Although he made some rude comments on occasion, we saw his redeemable qualities too. We had a good relationship with them, but my parents kept a very close eye on things. When it was age appropriate, they were open about some of the issues and we never were made to feel guilty about thinking grandfather was a jerk. What does your husband think about this?

    • anon

      Honestly, if your husband now has a decent (well as decent as it could be after that childhood) with his parents and the abuse is not a current issue, there’s probably not much to worry about. My mother’s father was very abusive to her as a child and was never anything but a loving grandfather to us. Granted, he had a sort of later in life revelation that he wasn’t the best parent early on.

      Even if they haven’t made any apologies or admitted their wrong-doing, I think your kids will be fine. The relationship with a grandchild is much different than with a child.

      Obvously, if your husband is still experiencing any sort of abuse from his parents, you should keep your distance.

    • cold in Chicago...

      I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s family’s struggles. So very sad. But part of me truly hopes that you will be able to involve your in-laws, as your children will probably be the greatest joy of their lives. And it will be therapeutic for all…. your husband, as well as his parents.

      Of course, if the grandmother is unstable or your children are physically at risk, that is unacceptable. Only your husband probably truly understands the situation, so talk with him. These will not be babysitters for your children.

      My father also had a very difficult, abusive childhood, with a mentally ill mother. His father (my grandfather) was his protector, but his father died when my father was only 6. My father somehow survived abuse and poverty and worked his way through college and had a family, but had a terrible marriage with my mother and we suffered terribly as children and were eager to get out of the house.

      He never learned how a father should be. He never learned what a healthy family should look like. He had so much stress, fear, anxiety…. and untreated mental illness…. I am sometimes amazed we all survived.

      My father is now older, and is starting to get some care after years of me trying to get him to doctors. Yes, his generation never acknowledges mental illness. We have repaired some bridges in light of his declining health, and our maturity… which allows us to also look at my father with pity. What a horrible, horrible life he had. He is so broken, and has so much guilt and regret.

      But he loves nothing more then the one grandchild, who is the light of his life. He is never happier then after he sees her, or when he thinks about her. It is wonderful, as he has none of the stress of having to raise the grandchild, but all of the unconditional love/attention. It makes him feel like he has a second chance. Your in-laws will see you and your husband with your children, and learn how it is supposed to be…. and perhaps feel like they have a second chance.

      If your husband and sister have been able to get therapy and reconcile with their parents, I hope you will be able to openly talk with your husband about your fears. I wish you the best with your pregnancy.

      Family is hard.

    • Anon for this

      Wow, I’m so sorry for your DH and your SIL. This could be my letter, except my DH’s parents both passed away shortly before we were married. Otherwise, I’d be facing the exact same question. I think I’d allow for a relationship between grandkid(s) and grandparents, but like Mascot said, keep a close eye on things, i.e. no extended babysitting, supervised visits only (you know, no dropping off the kid(s) to run errands, at least not until they can talk), until you see how each party reacts to the other. As Carolyn Hax might advise, it would be about setting boundaries and recognizing, too, what you’d deem acceptable — if Grandma starts repeatedly acting improperly, lay out an explicit warning for consequences, then follow through. I hope, though, that time has made her a bit better toward children.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’d probably err on the side of vigilance, at least at first. Boundaries for me would be: (1) they’re never alone with the baby (and possibly that you’re always the one with the baby when with them, if you aren’t confident that your H will enforce boundaries to your standards, although it sounds like that’s not the case here); and (2) you have your H’s carte blanche approval/backing to remove baby from their presence the *moment* things go even the tiniest bit sideways.

      While it sounds like they may have mellowed, it doesn’t sound like your H’s parents even acknowledge that they were, in fact, abusive, let alone like they’ve dealt with their issues or done anything to become better people, so I can understand if you’re feeling apprehensive about being around them with a baby. It’s, frankly, amazing, that your H and SIL have been able to give them a second chance, but their need for a second chance/reconciliation/whatever absolutely does not trump your need for peace of mind about your baby’s safety.

    • Ebro fin

      I agree with all the comments about have supervised visits. It’s entirely possible that your in-laws will be loving grandparents, but they still haven’t had the opportunity to develop parenting or child care skills.

      Also, please think about the future and how you will explain things to your child or children. My grandfather was also terribly abusive, and when he died, my father was deeply impacted by a mixture of grief, anger, and guilt because he, in many ways, hated his father. I was a only 11 or 12, but I knew something was not right. It was not until a few years later that I heard from my mom or sister about what my dad had endured, and it sickened me physically and mentally for years. Still does, actually.

      So, of course, you don’t need to plan to “tell” your children, but be aware they will, in one way or another, pick up on things, and it’s much better for that to be via you than other ways.

    • Joanna Toews

      Thank you all so much for your perspective and for sharing your stories. It gives me a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss with my husband.

  2. NOLA

    I noticed the Belletown Quinn (linen fabric with black polka dots and black leather trim) is in the surprise sale. This bag has become my spring/summer bag and I’ve been thrilled about how it’s held up. It hasn’t gotten dirty at all.

  3. roses

    Drooling over some of the Kate Spade sale items. I’m in need of a big but semi-professional looking bag to take to work when I’m going to the gym after work. I think a standard gym bag is too big, as I’m not carrying shower stuff – just gym clothes and shoes, plus my lunch, wallet and kindle. It seems like the KS “diaper bags” would be big enough, but any thoughts on whether they are multi-functional enough to be a gym bag? Also is it apparent that something is a “diaper bag” vs. just another big bag?

  4. Saffiano Leather (Baconpancakes)

    Saffiano leather – thoughts? I’ve been looking at the Michael Kors Selma in pearl grey, and while it looks nice, the stiff saffiano leather doesn’t look particularly leather-like, which I have mixed feelings about. I’ve read up on it a bit, and reviews tend to be mixed – either it lasts forever, or it peels as if it were cheap vinyl. Any thoughts or experiences with the Michael Kors saffiano bags?

    • Anon

      Can’t speak to Michael Kors saffiano bags specifically but I have a Prada bag and wallet that are saffiano. Both are 5+ years old and still look great. Saffiano is just a treatment/finish to leather (it’s basically stamped into the leather) to make the leather more resistant to scratches/marks/wear. I’m not particularly hard on my bags but feel like the saffiano leather is much more durable than typical glove/kid leather. Neither my wallet or my bag have peeled at all but they are not MK.

    • M

      I have the Selma bag in black saffiano and so far so good (got it for Christmas). I can’t imagine how it would peel. You are right that it does not have the traditional soft leather look, but, for an every day bag, I would much rather have something durable that holds its shape. Plus, the texture is not so distinctive that it is the first thing you notice about that bag. FWIW, I love it and get compliments all the time.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t have the MK bag but do have a RL saffiano bag that I love. The leather is firmer so my tote holds its shape better. Scratches on the bag are also less visible. Fast Food and Fast Fashion has reviewed all the MK bags.

  5. Sydney Bristow

    Does anyone have a set of packing cubes or a toiletry bag they love? I’ve been looking on Amazon but there are a million options with mixed reviews. Going to Europe for 8 days in April and I’m not the best packer. Any advice or product recommendations?

    Also, should I consider getting a travel purse? I was considering the PacSafe brand. We will be in Brussels, Bruges, a small town in Germany, and Amsterdam. I know pickpockets are an issue but I’m not sure whether a travel purse is worth it.

    • Anne Shirley

      Does anyone have a set of packing cubes or a toiletry bag they love? I’ve been looking on Amazon but there are a million options with mixed reviews. Going to Europe for 8 days in April and I’m not the best packer. Any advice or product recommendations?

      Also, should I consider getting a travel purse? I was considering the PacSafe brand. We will be in Brussels, Bruges, a small town in Germany, and Amsterdam. I know pickpockets are an issue but I’m not sure whether a travel purse is worth it.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Gah I know! I’m a big list maker and I don’t feel like I pack a lot. I actually do wear everything that I pack, but I think most of my outfits contain multiple pieces even if I limit myself to 1 pair or pants and 1 skirt. I normally wear a shirt and cardigan or cami and sweater, which seems to add up. Maybe I should try re-wearing a cardigan but I feel like they are all misshapen by the end of the day.

        • Anne Shirley

          For 8 days I would bring one black cardigan, one colored cardigan, and one sweater. Rewearing is your friend! And it’s not like the people there will be seeing you again.

    • NbyNW

      I like my eBags brand packing cubes. Got close-out pink color, but who cares.

      • Parfait

        +1. I have them and they are pretty great. I use the smaller ones to keep my OMG organized too.

    • mascot

      I like the Eagle Creek packing cubes (I think I got them at REI). We also carried some wrinkle-release spray to help keep things fresh. I used a PacSafe hobo style purse for our Italy trip. It was likely overkill, but it was nice to not worry about it walking around or on really crowded trains.. The handle unhooks so it is easy to loop it to a table or bigger piece of luggage if needed. Toiletry wise, screw-top contacts cases are your friend. Each case holds a week’s worth of toner, face soap, or face cream for me.

      • zora

        second for Eagle Creek. I have a handful for specific things, but one day want a full set for all of my packing.

        • Maudie Atkinson

          Likewise. My mom gave me the Eagle Creek packing cubes plus a toiletry bag before I studied abroad in college. I have found them super useful in the roughly ten years since, and they’ve held up well, from business travel to more rugged excursions. In fact, though I’m tempted to get new ones just because they’re prettier, I can’t justify it because my old ones are in such great shape.
          I have never used a travel purse. I’ve done some traveling in places where I was worried about robbery more than pickpocketing, and then I used a money belt, which I guess would be effective against pickpocketing, too. I got along fine with a relatively nondescript, nylon (lightweight) cross-body bag, plus the money belt holding essentials (cash reserves, credit card, and passport, if I was between stops). The bag wasn’t much to look at, but it did the job, zipped up and held in front of my body, as Anne Shirley said. Though I haven’t done much traveling in Belgium or any in the Netherlands, my experience has been that the prevalence of pickpocketing in Europe is overstated, so long as you’re careful and don’t make yourself a target.

    • Kontraktor

      I don’t think you should buy too specialized of ‘travel’ purses; you will just draw attention to yourself. I think it’s better just to have something that zips vs. carrying baggy, open totes people could slip their hands into on crowded trains. But, anything more than that and I think you may draw negative tourist attention to yourself. I would probably bring just one bag for the whole time, but a small cross body bag probably wouldn’t take up much room if you just wanted to throw in suitcase to carry something less bulky on your excursions.

      Agree with other comments that re-wearing is key. Bring things that can coordinate with multiple items (ie, sweaters or jackets you can wear with multiple shells). For 8 days, I’d probably bring 2-3 bottoms (depending on how dirty or active the activities I was doing were; 2 might be fine for less active activities), maybe 4 or 5 tops, and 2 cover ups (ie jacket or cardi). I’d bring one coat or outerwear that went with all. Finally, I’d probably wear riding boots to travel and bring an additional pair of comfy flats in my suitcase. For layering and bringing extra camis, that should be fine, as usually those can be rolled up and stuffed into small spaces without taking up a lot of additional room.

    • Sunny

      Ziploc bags. You can squeeze out all the air, see what’s in them and use them as laundry bags without dirty clothes coming into contact with clean clothes. Cheap and easy.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Thanks all! I’ll check all of these suggestions out and figure out which items in my wardrobe I can rewear.

      I’ll also have to dig around and see of I have a purse that zips that isn’t super tiny. I’m realizing that my normal style is open at the top so I might have to do some purse shopping after all!

      • Cb

        Consider dresses as well, the rewearing potential is pretty high. I’m in Belgium at the moment where it is about 45-50F and have 10 days in a larger carry-on (23 inches?). You’ll appreciate packing light when moving between cities.

        Also, Bruges is the best. Rent bikes and circle the city.

    • Anon

      I gave my mom a MZ Wallace toiletry bag (well at least that is what I thought it was supposed to be, but it was in the regular bag section at Bloomingdales) and she loved it. Big center pouch, lots of smaller pockets for other things.

    • Pink Night Owl

      +1 to ebags packing cubes. LOVE them. I have them in a variety of sizes (all in pink though :)) and they make packing and unpacking and repacking etc a breeze and SO organized.

  6. zora

    Been thinking about the death of Shirley Temple-Black today. I feel a little bit sad, but mostly very inspired because she had such an amazing life! I remember when I found out more about her when I was growing up, and the fact that she got to be a movie star and THEN went on to be an ambassador was so incredible! And one of the reasons I grew up wanting to be lots of things at the same time, and loving both theater and acting and world issues.

    Who is a real life woman you have been inspired by or looked up to in your life? I would also say Zora Neale Hurston is a major influence for me because she went to college and became an anthropologist traveling the country collecting the stories and lives of black people in the early 20th century when very few women even went to college, much less having intense non-traditional careers.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love Kate Spade bag’s, this is yet another great pick by Kat. To bad dad make’s me schlep my lit bag everwhere so that peeople know I am a lawyer. I told him they could figure that out b/c of my tuchus sitting on a chair all day, but no, he make’s me carrymy lit bag everywhere! FOOEY!

      I just got back from court, and I WON all 4 of my motion’s. That trip was good for 16 billeble hour’s and only took 4! Mason is learning the math quickly. He may yet turn out OK, b/c he carried my lit bag for me! YAY!!

      As for the OP, Yes, hug’s to all. My grandma loved Shirely Temple. She alway’s thought that I would be JUST like Shirley Temple, but I never learned to tap dance. FOOEY b/c I think I could have been in movie’s, but I never wanted to go to UCLA, where alot of the movie star’s go to school. Instead, I thought I would be smart and study in DC, but I never wound up getting a goverment job after all. FOOEY! Because I do not like to work so hard and alot of peeople in DC do not work more then 37 1/2 hours a week. They have a life! I am sometime’s very JELOUS, except when I get my paycheck. Dad tells me that NO ONE in the GOVERMENT make’s what I do and what I will when my partnership share is given to me next year! YAY!

      Benjamin is still here, but I think he like’s to eat onion’s garlic. His mouth is again not to fresh, and I think he must have ate a sub from subway. I could NEVER marry a guy who ate at subway’s all the time b/c he would have to much gas for me and our bed. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      • Subs

        Ugh you’re so right Ellen. Subs are delicious, but they definitely fumigate the flowers in lady garden parties.

    • cbackson

      Oh, Zora Neale Hurston was so interesting. Her life was nontraditional for the time period in *so* many ways…

      I have a lot of real-life lady heroes, but I’ll pick out two from childhood: CJ Walker (my mom got me an early-reader biography of her in second grade, and it was the first time I’d ever imagined a woman as a business leader) and Abigail Adams (once again, I had a child’s biography of her, and she seemed so smart and interesting, even though her life options were very limited by the time period in which she lived).

    • Calico

      Dian Fossey. I’m awed by her singular focus and dedication. I literally collapse into tears whenever I watch Gorillas in the Mist.

  7. Borderline Question Anon

    Family drama TJ (sorry for the length)

    I’m having a problem with a family member. My BIL is borderline and bipolar. He’s lived his entire life at home, which now means with me and my husband (their parents died, DH inherited the house, I moved in after the wedding). I’ve reached the end of my rope. After 3+ years of living with BIL, I can’t do it anymore. The stress of living with him is having a noticeable effect on my health, to the point that my doctor yesterday “prescribed” me to exercise daily and not live with BIL.

    As a family, we’ve discussed since last year that he would move out this year, like March or April. Naturally, he’s done nothing to move forward on this. He’s 31, has a job and would be able to afford a small apartment either in our town or a neighboring one. He has also refused to learn to drive, citing fear of doing so, but that also creates further dependence on us and problems in finding a place for him to live within walking distance to his job, since in our immediate area, there is little mass transit (though we live next to a major city — but he refuses to consider this reasonable option).

    The main issue: every time we broach the topic of him moving out, he completely flips out: screams, lashes out verbally (usually not physically), shuts down, refuses to speak about it, accuses us of abandonment, threatens suicide … the list is endless. If we ignore these responses or press on, he can sometimes calm down enough to have a rational conversation. Other times, he acts like nothing happened and we’re back to square one.

    What I’m looking for is some suggestions. Has anyone else dealt with someone with borderline who has these reactions? What might be the best course of action? He has a therapist (when he chooses to see her), as do my husband and I (we all have a different one). I’m at my wits end — and so is my husband, who wants to help his brother, but can tell how unhappy I am in this entire situation.

    • Anne Shirley

      Have you contacted a social worker? Any one of the therapists might be able to recommend someone who is qualified to deal with the practical side of the psychological issues.

      And for you- can you check out of this house for the weekend and into a hotel? Even if it’s just a holiday inn 3 exits down the highway to give yourself a chance to breathe?

      • Marilla

        I second the recommendation to speak to a social worker (or otherwise look for some support and assistance to deal with this situation). I also think that if he’s lived there his whole life, it’s understandable that it may be a terrifying prospect for him. If you want him to move out and gradually become more independent, you will likely need to help him along the way and will need to go pretty slowly. If he already works independently, that’s great. You might need to go with him to find an apartment, help furnish it, etc. But I don’t think anyone can give you really solid advice except for a social worker or therapist who can properly assess your brother-in-law and the situation.

      • Borderline Question Anon OP

        I swear I’m not dumb, but I’ve never thought of that. Googling now…

        • zora

          seriously, reach out and find every resource you can! There are so many people out there who can help. You do not have to struggle through this by yourself. :o( And honestly, it will be better for your BIL to have multiple people in his support network, not to be so dependent on his brother and you. But it will be hard at first.

          I would definitely start by asking his therapist for referrals to other resources.

          Good luck! I believe you will figure out how to take care of yourself *and* your BIL and find a solid solution to this. Internet Hugs!!

    • Bewitched

      Not to be glib (and apologies if this comes off that way), but I’d sell the house and buy my own, forcing BIL to make other plans about where to live. You don’t say if DH and BIL both inherited the house or if only DH did, but if DH is the sole owner, that’s what I’d do. Otherwise, you are held hostage to this situation in perpetuity. I guess if you really, really love the house and don’t want to move, you could evict him, but that comes off more harshly than saying you and DH want to buy a place of your own.

      • Borderline Question Anon OP

        Oh, I don’t think that’s glib at all! The eventual plan is to buy a different house (I detest this one for various reasons — #1 no closets. #2 hasn’t felt like my house in the 4 years I’ve been there). We’re saving up for a down payment because even if we sell the house (whether BIL is getting a portion of the sale amt. is a discussion between him and DH), we don’t have enough for another down payment on the kind of house I would like — we’re in a really HCOLA. And our house is a Victorian/colonial “thing” that needs work.

        The original plan was to do the work needed on the house –> sell = force BIL out + freedom! But health problems for me and DH in the past two years have pushed back those plans. If we sold as is right now, we could still make $, but I’d hate to leave $ on the table when little things like painting or $100 fixes might get us a bit more.

        • CKB

          But is your health worth that little bit extra $$? It sounds like you have some (serious?) health issues directly related to living with your bil. I think you need to decide if the extra $$ is worth the stress, and also, how likely those little fixes are to get done?

          Before dh & I sold our last house we went through & made a list of all the little things that needed to be done before selling and worked hard on them, taking great pride in crossing them off the list. Maybe doing something similar will help you feel like you are working towards something instead of thinking “some day”

        • Anne Shirley

          Leave the dollars on the table. If that’s really the issue, absolutely leave them behind. You are paying for those dollars with your mental and physical health and with your marriage. Def consult with a pro before selling, but I think that money can’t be a focus right now. If your options turn out to involve renting a basement, be open to that if it is what you need to do (although obviously hopefully there’s a better solution).

        • Maddie Ross

          Seriously? In this situation, I would probably leave the money on the table (it’s all extra in my mind anyway if it’s an inheritance) for the sake of my own emotional and mental well-being. If you, your DH and/or your BIL haven’t had an ability or time to paint, etc. in two years, I would probably just list and tru to move on with my life. Or hire a handyman for a day or two and then just list. A house that needs work will need work, even with some patching.

    • My stepkids' mom

      This. My stepkids’ mom has BPD, so I have read extensively about it. She reacted exactly like your BIL is response to almost every inquiry about the kids (“when is their annual MD exam this year?” “Let’s talk about college prep.” “How do we submit a health insurance claim?” “How do you want to handle driving school?” Etc.). Not fun.

      The only thing that ever even sort-of worked for us was to disentangle from her. We would ask once if she wanted to cooperate with us, and then we would do the parenting thing as planned, with or without her. Many many experts advised this approach. First, it reduces the amount of drama in your life that otherwise would be caused going round and round with her. Second, it reduces her power, which is gained from throwing hissy fits and thereby controlling how those around her behave.

      In your case, the only true way to disengage is for you to do something that means all three of you must leave the house. You can sell it. Or you can lease it out for a year of two and the. Just you and DH move back in.

      Keep us informed?

    • Fashion Blog

      Was there any planning prior to the parent’s death as to what would happen to the brother? As you describe it, this situation doesn’t seem to have come as a surprise. (Did the brother inherit anything or was the entirety left to your husband? If it was left just to your husband, where did everyone think the brother would live once the brother took it over? If the house was left to both brothers, I’d sell it and set the brother up in some sort of independent adult living situation, using his half of the money to make sure he has the resources to cope more independently. I know it’s hard living with someone with mental illness, but i think it’s unrealistic to think that the brother is suddenly just going to get the wherewithal to move out entirely on his own. I think that you need to connect him with the services that would independent living more feasible.

      • Borderline Question Anon OP

        I learned that “planning” was not something that was EVER thought of in that family. The parent with the long-term illness thought nothing was wrong with BIL, even though he refused to leave the house for 5+ years. The parent who died suddenly was 87 and left the affairs in such a state, it took a year+ to figure them out. The house was left to both of them, but BIL renounced his claim to the estate, as it were. I have no problem setting up a trust for him so he can live somewhere else.

        Please don’t think that I’m just trying to say, “hey, I’m ignoring your difficulties. Good luck on your own!” It’s just every.single.time. you try to help him move forward one step, he resists with such force, he sends himself back about 10 steps. It’s exhausting and it seems to have no end.

        • cold in Chicago...

          What a rough situation.

          I admire you for living like this for as long as you have, and I pity the brother. Honestly, I fear he will have difficulty living independently. Of course, regardless if he renounced his inheritance, please split all evenly and a trust sounds like a wonderful idea. Although actually it is amazing that he is working. Many with his diagnoses do not, so there is hope for all here.

          Is he seeing a psychiatrist AND a counselor? He needs both. I would suggest getting in touch with your local NAMI association (search online) which may help step you through options for your BIL and get local contacts to help.

        • Senior Attorney

          “Renounced his claim to the estate, as it were?”

          Say what? That sounds very, uh, convenient for you and your husband.

          • Senior Attorney

            That came out snarkier than I intended. But I do think you need to reconcile yourselves to the fact that money will have to be spent to get him set up in an appropriate situation and get him the services he needs.

          • Borderline Question Anon OP

            He needed to give up his claim to get Medicaid benefits, so said the lawyer who was (mis)handling the parents’ estate.

          • Chiming In

            This makes sense to me.

            If he’s on Medicaid, it really varies from state to state, but there’s been a big emphasis on ensuring that individuals who need it get intensive case management- he might be a candidate for this.

            Second contacting NAMI and your local health department- either one of them may be able to get him in touch with the supports that he needs to really thrive.

          • Anonymous

            Probably had something to do with benefits he receives. He may not work due to these extensive mental health issues and receiving assets (especially non-liquid assets) would be a big problem for these benefits.

            I work with clients that renounce for this reason. That’s why there are Supplemental Needs Trusts sets up for people with disabilities. So that they don’t run into problems with benefits being cut off when they receive money or assets.

          • Silvercurls

            So glad somebody else mentioned NAMI! (National Alliance on Mental Illness; www (dot) nami (dot) org ; click on “Find Your Local NAMI”)
            Also glad that you and DH are basically on the same page in this difficult situation. Y’all sound concerned and balanced. Hang in, be strong, go forward. Good luck.

        • Law Chick

          You might want to check with a lawyer re whether his renouncement has any effect (in my state, you disclaim an inheritance in a very particular way and always in writing). This should be reflected in how the property is now titled. If your spouse owns it outright, giving $ to the brother after the sale could have tax implications for your spouse.

          We have a house like this in my family. One sibling owns it. Another lives there (and seems to be a level 5 hoarder, so it will become more unsafe as the hoarder sibling gets older and more ill). It will be bad if owner sibling dies first and owner’s spouse will need to deal with hoarder sibling and may need $ from selling the house (mainly for the land at this point).

    • Bizzyb

      Check in with the community mental health system in your area (through the health dept). I once worked as a residential caseworker, which meant that I helped support people like your BIL in maintaining their own apartments, budgeting, running errands, and going to appointments. There might be options like shared homes that you aren’t aware of, even in very small communities.

    • Nomza

      I have no clue what you should do, but even once he’s in his own place there will still be issues. My parents own a condo that they rent out. Recently a neighboring unit was purchased by a family with an adult son like your BIL. The family obviously wants him to live independently, but the situation has created enormous problems for the other tenants. There have been too many issues to get into here, including significant property damage to neighboring apartments and other tenants moving away because of him. I know his family visits, but I doubt putting him in a condo was the best idea. Given the sorry state of mental health care in our country, I have to assume they had no other options. The condo board simply is not equipped to deal with the many challenges this situation presents.

  8. 1st Year

    I’m a 1st year associate who gave a partner the wrong answer! I am pretty embarrassed about it. It was just a preliminary draft for a memo, and when he pushed back on it I pretty quickly realized I was wrong and gave him the right answer + research backing it up, so all is not lost. But I feel dumb, like *of course* I should have gone back and double-checked that. It’s going on the check-list for next time!

    • AnonInfinity

      You made it through! I think everyone has done this at one time or another.

      One of my most famous moments is that I gave a partner the wrong answer, semi-argued with him about whether he was right, and got so tongue-tied and flustered during said semi-argument that I stopped midsentence and said something like, “I’m not expressing myself very well. I’m going to call you back in a minute.” And I hung up. Midsentence. On a partner. Yikes. (The story has a happy ending–I came around, he made fun of me, no hurt feelings, and he still works with me.)

      I also once gave the partner a wrong answer so emphatically and while on the phone with a client that we operated for weeks under the assumption that we could file a case in a favorable jurisdiction. Turns out, we couldn’t. Oops. He was a little irritated, but now we’re buds and we still work together a lot.

      So remember, all of us have been there. Even if no one else at your firm will admit it. Also, it sounds like you handled it with grace, which is the most important thing when messing up.

  9. Financial advice

    This feels very basic, but I’d greatly appreciate input.

    I’ll be receiving a $6-7k one-time (not annual) bonus, which represents ~10% of my take-home annual salary. I have a mortgage, $25k in school loans, and $5K in credit card debt. Both the school loan and credit card have a ~6% interest rate. No car loan, but my car is only worth $2k. In the coming year I plan to buy a used car costing ~$10k above trade-in (financed at 2%) and sell my home to buy a new one with similar monthly payment. Those are both forced by particular situations and are non-negotiable. The home sale will inevitably require funds for this and that, which will realistically be put onto the credit card. I have 2-3 months of emergency saving, slim short-term savings, and haven’t been putting anything extra in retirement recently beyond my employer/mandatory contributions.

    I’m planning on paying off the credit card and putting the remainder into savings to use towards the car. Another option I’ve considered is splitting the remainder to retirement and short term savings (to be accessed for the move or car). There are several other options, though, and I’m not sure which is “best.”

    Thoughts?

    • Frou Frou

      oops i hit report on accident.

      Congrats on your bonus!

      Is it $6-7k gross or net? If it’s gross, you should expect to receive about half of it net, so that may make a difference with regards to your plans. Regardless, I would probably 1) buy one splurge item; and 2) save the bonus or pay off the credit card.

    • ac

      Not a financial professional, but I’d say you need to figure out how much cash/credit you will need when you sell your house, and make sure you have that available to you. I wasn’t aware that, in that situation, you could put those amounts on a credit card (and would double check that if you’re at all uncertain).

      Considering you could also stand to plump up your emergency savings, short-term savings and car fund, I’d put your check into short term savings for now with a plan to keep it available for the home purchase, as well as any near-term emergencies that come up before the purchase.

      I think the only possibility I would eliminate is retirement — it sounds like you have more pressing financial needs.

      Good luck!

      • Financial advice

        I had terrible wording – the money wouldn’t be for the sale but for the inevitable moving costs.

        It’s a good point about keeping it in short term savings until the move and car purchase is done. I psychologically love the idea of paying off the cc so much that I hadn’t considered not doing it immediately.

        It’s actually a huge relief to have someone say that retirement can wait. It’s my goal this year to start putting more there, but I really feel like I need to get over these two hurdles (move and car) first!

        • Anon in NYC

          I agree that it seems like what you might need now is cash. Keep the money in short-term savings for the time being, until after you have the big expenses, and then figure out what to do with the money (but I agree, credit card debt is probably the best place for it).

    • mascot

      6% is pretty low for a CC. Are you guaranteed that rate for a period of time? What is the margin on the home sale? Will you make enough to cover commission or will you have to bring cash to the table? I’d get the house situation figured out and then probably pay off the card. Take the monthly payment you were making on the card and save that for new car/house stuff.

      • mascot

        Also, keep in mind that the interest rate on cash advances is usually much higher than interest rate on charges. So that probably limits how much a credit card will help in the whole house sale process. Or were you talking about home repairs and such?

      • Financial advice

        Yes, it’s an amazing 6%. I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s the normal (not introductory) rate and I’ve had it for years.

        Sorry for not being clear about money for the sale. I do not anticipate needing to bring cash to the table for the sale. I should be able to leave with enough money to pay commission and have reasonable down payment on the next house. I was referring to the costs that accumulate with moving, like immediate repairs/improvements or appliances for the next house.

        • Dulcinea

          I think you should put the bonus money in the bank and keep it liquid (ie, flexible) for now, until you are settled in your new place, and use what you need of the cash for moving expenses. Then you can see what’s left over and go from there.

    • Financial advice

      THANKS!

      I’ll put it in short term savings for the move and then put the remainder towards the credit card. That makes so much sense! I’m so glad that I asked. Thank you all for responding.

  10. ToddlerLawyer

    Okay, Corporettes, I need some advice. For the past several years, I have been working in the small office of a big firm and while my motivation started off strong, it has been sagging lately, due in part to personal dramas that (despite my best efforts) have seeped into my work life, and in part to the fact that I hate the work I’ve been assigned lately. But I get it, you don’t always get work you enjoy at a firm. So it goes.

    A few months ago, I asked a question at a “state of the firm” type of event. This event happens several times a year and has always been billed as a chance for partners to be transparent with associates and for associates to ask questions of the partners. I asked whether the firm would continue to take a certain type of work. What I meant by that was that we were flooded with that particular type of work and from the associates’ perspective (not just my own) it did not seem like we could keep up with the demands associated with it. It was probably not phrased well, because a partner whom I consider a mentor recently told me that it came across to her that I was being presumptuous and that I was saying that I PERSONALLY would not want to do any more of that type of work.

    I’m horrified my comment came across that way, but more horrified that this misconception only came to light months later, when whatever negative seeds I may have dropped that day have probably been scattered to the wind. The partner and I talked about this quite a bit and I think by the end of the conversation she understood what I’d meant and I’d agreed I should never have asked the question, explained that I certainly don’t have the attitude that I don’t want to do certain types of work, etc. I asked her if there was anyone else I should talk to about this who may have shared her view of it, and she suggested I speak with the managing partner as well.

    Putting aside the fact that I should not have asked the question — I was lulled into a false sense of security by the firm’s seeming encouragement that we be open with our questions…clearly this was an instance I should have just kept my mouth shut — what should I be doing now to minimize damage? I’m going to apologize to the managing partner, but I don’t think I can or should go door-to-door explaining to each partner that I don’t think I’m above certain types of work. I asked my mentor partner for a follow-up meeting so that we could discuss more detailed feedback, but beyond that I’m just not sure what I should do besides crawl in a hole and die.

    How should I proceed to re-establish my good reputation here? Is there anything extra I should be doing besides putting extra effort into my work?

    • Silver

      I am having a hard time seeing how you going to the managing partner of the firm now to *apologize* about a question that you asked in a meeting where you’re entitled to be candid can possibly be helpful. I also don’t think there’s a problem with you preferring some kinds of work over others – yes you have to do what needs to be done but you’re allowed to want more of other kinds of work. So to the extent that your mentor partner is right that you need to correct a misconception about being above some kinds of work, I would not def NOT do this in an email. I would wait for the next time you see the MP in person and make a point to clarify, not apologize, what your question really was aimed at. I also doubt that other partners are really going to dwell on this so yes, outside of that, do good work and also, get involved at the firm in committees, writing articles etc.–do things that make the firm look good so that you can create the rep that you are a team player.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Ugh. That sucks. Some lawyers hear one “off” thing about an associate and let that impression stick. It is really unfair. If I was in your shoes, I would feel like I had to clear the air just for my own sanity even if it did no real good. I’d ask the managing partner for a good time for you two to have a brief meeting. I would then say something like: “I recently learned that a question I asked at our meeting came out the wrong way and several people interpreted it a completely different way than I intended. What I meant to say was x. Some people took that as y. I want to make sure you knew that I did not mean to say y, would not say y and what I meant was x. If there is anyone you are aware of who thought I meant y and you think I should speak with, please let me know.” I would then wrap up and leave.

  11. crock pot recommendations

    My basic Proctor Silex model from the 90s seems to have a cracked nob on it and it may be time to replace. Does anyone have one that they love? I understand that there are ones more fancy than the basic keep warm – low – high model I have. OTOH, I have a fancy pressure cooker that I never use and don’t want to overbuy. This is for basic cooking (and mainly for stuff I try to get the family to eat but I mainly freeze and take to lunch: brunswick stew, chicken chili, chicken with bbq sauce, split pea soup, refried beans).

  12. Pregomama

    I have an itty bitty baby (4 months old) that keeps getting small cash gifts from elderly relatives, with no instructions (“for college!” or “buy her something cute!”).

    What do we do with this money? It’s $5-$25, so the sort of thing that you’d use with an older child and let them pick out a toy “from great grandma” or whatever. But this little one is happy with a spoon and a box these days and has more clothes than I do.

    Do we just stick it in the account we opened when she was born (purpose of which is TBD but all the checks that we got when she was born are in there, her christmas money is in there, etc.)? Buy another cute outfit? A toy? Buy mama some wine? ;) (kidding) (mostly)

    • hoola hoopa

      All of the above!

      Seriously, though, all of the above. I decide based on current needs and how I thought the gift-giver may like it to be used. Save it for college. Pool it for a stroller or carseat. Save it to buy clothes, shoes, and toys in the coming year. Spend it on a swim class or zoo membership.

    • Anonymous

      For my two-year-old, I keep a spreadsheet and transfer the money to his college fund every six months (a month after his birthday and a month after Christmas, which are the times we get most of the gifts). He has more toys and clothes than he needs, so I’d rather put the money in his college fund. When he gets old enough to start learning about money, we’ll open a bank account for him and put some of the money there.

    • Anonymous

      When my daughter was a younger, my grandmother would send her little checks every now and then. I put them all in a savings account and kind of forgot about them My grandmother died years ago and that account just sat there with the money in it. This year my daugheter was saving up money for a trip that was really important to her. She had about half the money she needed. The account I had opened all those years ago had exactly the amount she needed. (but not nearly enough for a car or college or anything like that.) I decided I would give her that money now when it would really make a difference for her. She cried when I gave it to her and told her where it was from.

      • Mascot

        My parents got me a really big piggy bank when I was little and I tossed birthday money, allowance, holidays money, etc in it for years. I ended up opening it in high school and paid for a large chunk of my choir tour in Europe. Very low tech for sure, but I was proud to have saved so much

  13. Rose

    We just got word that we have a training budget again this year. Does anyone have recommendations for business / management/ leadership organizations that offer good training other than the American Management Association? I’ve got a list of options from its offerings but wanted to see if there was anything else out there interesting. I’m open to online learning either on-demand or scheduled as well.

    Thank you!

    Randi

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