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Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Vanity Poll
What is (1) the one genetic physical trait you most like about yourself, and (2) what trait do you most wish that you had?
Mine:
(1) I love my height. I’m 5’7″ and when I wear 2.5″ heels and stand up straight, I feel great. It makes me feel confident.
(2) I wish I had hair that wasn’t thinning. I’m in my early 30’s, and it’s been thinning for about ten years now. I have to be so careful in styling to minimize the scalp that’s visible. And I can’t help but envy the women around my with thick beautiful hair.
roses
(1) I love my boobs. They’re big enough to give me some curves but not so big that they make v-neck shirts inappropriate or get in the way of exercising.
(2) I hate my hair texture/volume (though I do like the color at least). It is a big curly frizzy messy pain that I need to spend at least an hour to tame after washing. I would get many hours of my life back if I didn’t have to deal with it.
Bonnie
My page a day calendar has a wonderful saying about boobs today: “Don’t tell me I haven’t got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest and I can guarantee they’re bigger than yours.”
Rogue Banker
I love everything about that quote. :)
sweetknee
Love it. .
anonymous
1. I love my figure. I’m a really athletic hourglass with some major curves
2. I hate the fact that I’m still battling acne. It’s improving, but I would love to not have to wear make up, and I get so down about it.
Brit
(1) My hair. It’s this great natural red color, doesn’t go all crazy in humidity and usually listens when I style it (if not, uber amounts of hairspray or gel can usually tame it). I used to hate my ginger-ness when I was in middle school, but come late high school I definitely came into and wear it with pride now.
(2) My body build. I’ve always been a bigger girl. But I’m working on fixing my diet/exercise regime to be healthier all around and it hasn’t stood in the way of my confidence level much, so c’est la vie.
pearls
1. I love my height – 5’9″ and athletic build, and
2. I do not love the deep forehead creases inherited from my father!
A Nonny Moose
These would be mine, too, but creases are from my mother. Hello, twin!
pearls
Ha ha – hello, twin! What to do? In the big scheme it’s minor……perhaps the forehead lines contribute a thoughtful look? Serious? Brilliant? Ha ha……..
Wildkitten
I have them too and plan to get botox – that’s not for everyone but it’s nice to have a problem that can just be fixed…
Anonymous
I like my figure in that I’m slim/athletic with small shoulders and a small waist. I hate that my breasts are very large for my frame and that I’m short with short legs.
I like my hair in that its thick and a pretty color. I hate that its naturally frizzy and wavy and I have to straighten it.
I like my olive skin color, but I hate that my skin is really dry.
I love my big brown eyes that my daughter inherited.
Overall, I’m happy with my appearance. There’s little things that bother me, but overall, I’m not self-conscious.
Anonattorney
(1) I love being 6’0″ tall. And I love that I inherited from my mother a body that has virtually no pregnancy symptoms. None. No nausea, minimal weight gain, no stretch marks, etc.
(2) I don’t like my sensitive skin. Or my short calves.
Ellen
Yay! Kat in any other universe, I would buy this dress, but Frank alway’s put’s his finger in my keyhole sweater’s so I would NOT buy any more top’s with keyhole’s for him to stick his smelley fingers in. FOOEY!
As for the OP, this is a fun poll.
1) I do love the fact that I have nice blond hair with blue eye’s, and this is what dad says makes me so attractive to men. He said I am a Nozeema Girl, which suposedly relates to being sexy, so I am happy about that.
2) I do NOT love the fact that my tuchus is bigger then Rosa’s tuchus, tho dad now agree’s that it is NOT soleley b/c of Grandma Trudy. He see’s that I am an attorney who has to bill 625 hours every month, and that require’s alot of sitteing on my tuchus. Rosa does NOT have to work at all so she can work out at the gym on her tuchus. Grandma Trudy said that I would probabley have a better tuchus then Rosa if I were married and lived in Chapaqua. I can’t wait to find out, but first I have to find a guy who will MARRY me and buy me a house in Chapaqua so I can get started on fixeing my tuchus YAY!!!
I will bet that most profesional women like me also have the tuchus issue, but many will NOT go public and admit it. The manageing partner does not even care about my tuchus as long as I win my case’s. YAY!!!!
One more thing I forgot to tell the hive. The janitor came in yesterday and gave me a bannanna, b/c I told him they were very healthy for peeople to eat. I hope he does NOT want to date me b/c he gave that to me. I asked Myrna and she said that mabye he had a crush on me. I hope not b/c the maintnance guy’s in the old building would NOT let me go to the toilet w/o walkeing in on me half the time. That is all I need is to start that busness up again here on 3rd Avenue. FOOEY!
Op
I have a love hate relationship with my boobs. I wish I had a thigh gap but I never have even when very thin and in shape. I also wish I had cheekbones instead of a very round face. I like my height – 5’8″.
Zelda
(1) I love my shape. I have the preferred “Coke-Cola bottle” shape within the Black/Caribbean community: small waist, curvy butt/hips/thighs and medium boobs. I love also love that my curve differential isn’t so extreme that it makes it extremely difficult to find professional clothes (just regular, pear shaped difficult!) I love how I look both clothed and naked and my gardening partners agree!
(2-a) I love my hair, including its color and curly texture, but dislike how weak it is. Without regular trims I have tons of split ends and it will only grow to approximately shoulder length without using special efforts such as regular protective styling. I’ve come to a philosophical place where I’d rather enjoy my hair and wear it out than constantly wear it up for the sole goal of having longer hair.
(2-b)I hate that I still have acne in my early 30’s. I’ve been battling acne on and off since I was a preteen, have had a dermatologist since my teens, and have even been on Accutane twice.
Diet Pepsi
:) I am a fellow coke bottle (actually Pepsi, the taste born in the Carolinas). I’m glad there is a name for us and a fan base.
Where do you shop? Am in need of shorts and nothing fits. Curvy cuts have not made it into shorts (and ON, previously recommended, are still too big in the waist).
Zelda
I haven’t worn shorts in years (I spend my summers in sundresses), so I’m not help there. Can shorts be taken in at the waist? I have fellow curvy friends who do wear shorts, so I’ll try and find some info for you.
Baconpancakes
1) I love my waist. It stays pretty small no matter how much weight I gain (no children yet – I know it’ll change and am not looking forward to that), so that I feel super bombshell when I’m in lingerie or a form-fitting dress. It also means I look great in tailored suits and undressed, I just feel like a paleolithic goddess.
2) I am not a fan of my thighs. While I can appreciate my hips and behind being large and thus making me curvy, thighs that rub so. darn. much. in summer makes wearing cute dresses uncomfortable without Jockey Skimmies or similar, makes cameltoe more likely, and makes just pulling on my jeans a trial.
Chicago MD
Ugh, I shouldn’t do this, but….
1) I like my height. 5′ 7″
2) I hate my skin. I’ve had acne all my life on my face and torso, only finally in control in my 40’s. In exchange for the acne, now the wrinkles and acne scars…. and even worse… I have inherited a condition from my Mom where my trunk is slowly becoming covered with large, brown, raised seborrheic keratoses. Ugly suckers and I will look like a leopard by the time I am in my 60’s, as genetics has revealed.
3) I hate my cellulite. I’ve had it since I was a teenager, even though I was a slender athlete. All my fat goes to my thighs/butt, and I have no boobs.
And when I hate my skin and body so much, it makes me want to bow my head and shrivel down my 5’7″ height….
Why are we doing this?!?
Anon
Exactly….why are we doing this?
TXLawyer
Well the original question asked us to describe 1 trait we like and 1 trait we wish we had. Somehow that latter one morphed into 1 or more traits we hate :(
Hollis
Why are we doing this?!?! How does knowing what other people like/hate about our bodies benefit, empower, encourage, and inspire us as professional women?!? Let’s not do to ourselves what society already does to us – critically analyze our physical traits (good/bad) as if we don’t have so much more to offer. Okay, off my soapbox.
Anonattorney
I find it sort of empowering, actually. I liked thinking about the traits that I love. I also don’t think it minimizes me in any way to acknowledge that there are genetic traits that I don’t love. I’m stuck with them, and I love myself and feel beautiful anyway. I also like reading what other women like about themselves. I like that we are getting this interesting mix of traits. I’m also 100% sure I have more to offer than being tall and having a pretty good reaction during my pregnancy. I don’t think the women here are saying that they are defined by their good/bad traits. It’s just an interesting exercise to think about and share.
ANon
1. Like: skin. I inherited my mum’s complexion
2. Hate: big boobs and thighs, also from mum.
long time lurker
1 – great skin, few wrinkes at 40, no acne
2- hate that I always have a little potbelly and gain weight in my stomach.
Rogue Banker
Like: My proportions – I’m very hourglassy and it’s lots of fun with my gardener of choice, and 36H boobs are killer in the right shirt. My coloring – dark blonde hair, greenish-blue eyes like my mom, fair skin. My wrists – odd, but my wrists/hands are pretty small and delicate and I think they’re pretty.
Still working on: My actual measurements – still have a long way to go before I’m at my goal size, but I’m getting there. PCOS and depression inherited from both sides of the family, along with elevated risk of diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and several types of cancer.
Anonymous
Love – I’d say my boobs, which are still perky at almost 40, but they are beaten out by my clitoris, which was apparently placed for success.
Hate – the belly fat.
Must be Tuesday
(1) Love – overall relatively slim figure with good skin
(2) Wish I had – natural powerful beautiful singing voice
Anon DC
I really need some sage ‘r e t t e hive advice
So, I have a great job and career (gov, non lawyer). I have been at my org for 7 years and have a great relationship with my supervisors, am considered an expert in my org, and my schedule is super flexible, which is awesome because I have a 6 month old kiddo. I have been itching to leave because I am a bit bored and have maxed out my career growth here. I have stayed because I have a baby and things are pretty crazy and demanding in my non-work life.
Another office is hiring and it would be pretty much a 180 difference from my current job: super fast paced, long hours, really interesting work, and a crazy micro managing supervisor. It is pretty much a Devil Wears Prada type of job – the boss is a total diva nut job, but well-respected, and if I get on his good side he could really help my career. But, he doesn’t respect his people (I have worked for him before) and he does not respect work-life balance. So much so, that several people have just left his office, that is why he is hiring.
Anyway he is hiring and sent me (along with others) a note that he has an opening and we should apply. If I didn’t have a baby, I would definitely apply because even though my life would be awful, I would really enjoy the work, and I think it would be worth it. Another factor to consider – DH is in biglaw and has crazy hours sometimes and we have no family nearby or other childcare help, just daycare. I think I have pretty much decided not to apply (still thinking about it) – if I decide not to apply, should I tell him why? I predict that he will be really offended and unsympathetic.
So, any advice from others who have been there and had to make this choice? Am I making the right decision? It feels really horrible and unfeminist to put my mothering role ahead of my career, but I just don’t feel ready yet.
tesyaa
I’ve been there. If you have a young baby and don’t feel ready, it might not be the right time to ramp up your career, especially since you don’t have support. The fact that you are relatively happy in your current job is another good reason to stay. However, if you really feel like you want this opportunity, get a nanny, maybe even live-in, so you have the coverage you need. There’s no right or wrong answer.
meme
Personally, there’s no way I would apply in your situation, and if you don’t apply there’s no way you should tell him why. There’s just absolutely no reason to, and you don’t want to burn bridges. It sounds like you may end up working with or for him in the future. If he asks for a reason (likely won’t), just tell him you’re very happy in your current position right now or something along those lines.
Anon
It’s not unfeminist to not want to take a job with an unreasonable work/life balance. I’m not sure what your career goals are, but it sounds like your career is just fine as it is. If you think you’re going to offend this person by letting him know that, why bring it up in the first place?
anyanony
+1
Shoes
If you don’t feel ready yet to put your career development on hold that’s one thing – but its not ‘unfeminist.’ Feminism is about your freedom to choose what you want to do. If the long, demanding hours are, in your opinion, worth the career development then go for it! But don’t take/apply for the job just because you think its what a feminist ‘should’ do.
Anon DC
OP here – you’re right, it is not “unfeminist.” I just could not think of the right way to express what I was thinking. It just feels unlike me to put my career on the back burner.
Thank you all for your responses so far.
Other
Also! We have a saying in my house “don’t make things harder than they need to be.” Working for this person sounds miserable, and the potential career advancement might not be worth the personal sacrifice (even without a child). That isn’t putting your career on the back-burner, that’s making a smart choice about long-term growth (i.e., less likely to burn out, mentally healthy, etc.).
Don’t go for the job just b/c you’ve always chosen the most prestigious – and often most difficult – route. Figure out if it’s what you really want, and you’ll protect your long-term career.
Personal experience – I worked for a similar boss, and was so burned out I was a month from quitting with no back-up, which would have brought my career to a screeching halt. In one week, I was offered two jobs: one with similar hours/schedule but very prestigious, and another more lifestyle option. It was a painful process – I was used to choosing prestige above all, but I choose the lifestyle option. 5 years down the road, and I am happy, content and engaged in my job in a way I could not have imagined at the old place. Choosing yourself or your family is often the securest path.
Must be Tuesday
Yes, this. Working for this person sounds horrible from a work/life balance perspective and also because he is a micromanager. I personally wouldn’t take this job, and I don’t even have the responsibility of young children to consider.
Meg Murry
Yes, this! Feminism isn’t necessarily about “leaning in” or climbing the corporate ladder – it’s about having the choice to do those things – or to choose not to.
If you do respond at all, you could say something like “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m not planning to make any career moves right now, but keep me in mind if something else opens up again in a few years.”
Could you take on a small challenge at work just to keep yourself from getting bored? Or is there anything you want to learn? I found when I was bored at work, taking an online class to learn something new (either via our local state school when I wanted the credits or via EdX when it was just about personal fulfillment).
Anonymous
I love this! I wish more people realized that feminism is about believing that women have the choice to do whatever they want. My mother is a huge feminist and also a wonderful mother who chose to stay home with us for 15+ years of her life.
cbackson
Well…it’s important to realize that some choices are strongly reinforced by a (generally unfeminist) society, and others are not. Our individual choices don’t occur in a vacuum.
Wildkitten
+1 cbackson
Baconpancakes
Seconded. (ETA seconding cbackson.) I’m not going to tell anyone they shouldn’t stay home. But the more women stay home, the more it reinforces the already-pervasive implication that women should stay home. It’s a catch-22. We should have the choice to stay home and raise kids or work full time or work part time, regardless of gender, but until it’s more common for women to work full time and not looked down upon when they don’t stay home to raise their kids, (or act as primary caregiver while working), we continue to have to fight “mommy tracking” and wage gap.
Meg Murry
To clarify my comment – actually, in true ideal feminism (maybe it would be humanism?) it would be best if everyone man or woman could choose to either advance their career or be a stay at home parent or wherever in between that works for you/your family.
In my world, the definition of feminist is not “woman can do anything men can do” but rather “there is no such thing as women’s work and men’s work” and that is what I’m trying to teach my sons – which means my husband and I have alternated who stepped up in their career and who leaned back a bit at work and stepped up at home.
But yes, I totally understand how weird it is when you stop trying to race up the career ladder and how untrue to yourself it can feel. For me a huge part of growing up has been to stop defining my success and happiness only in terms of my job/career and focusing on loving (or at least not hating) most of my life, not just my job.
NancyD
hmmm…disagree with baconpancake’s comment “But the more women stay home, the more it reinforces the already-pervasive implication that women should stay home.” I don’t think that’s necessarily true and, following that train of thought—I should make sure I’m not doing something that encourages the wage gap, etc.—you are definitely limiting MY choice. Is it really the number of women staying home that reinforces the implication that they should (if that implication even really exists)? Anyway, I’m in northern CA and realize my perspective is probably shaped by that but I see no such pervasive implication at all. Agree with Meg Murray, above, that we all, men and women, should be able to choose.
Toffee
Stay put. I made a move when my baby was 7.5 months old for the same reasons. And it was a disaster. By the time she was 1 year old, I realized she really did need to see me during the week. I needed a job where I could be home for dinner and bedtime. Even though our family was fine with me not being home so much at 7.5 months old, that changed when she started talking and noticing my absence. Wait until the kid is at least 18 months before deciding to ramp up your career so you can see what will work for your family.
Toffee
Also, this has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Fact is, young children need at least one person available. If your DH works insane hours and you have no one else, then you step in. Plenty of families have the father, grandparents, other family members step in. Nothing to do with gender. You’re not anti-feminist.
I will say, it’s incredibly stressful to have two parents with extremely demanding careers and no other support. DH and I were miserable. One of us had to step back. I was least happy, so I did it.
caf
I am having a hard time with this. I just feel like it is unfair that I have not been able to find something that I love/has high earning potential, while my husband has. I am now pregnant, and it seems that it will make the most sense for me to take the step back. But something about it feels so, so unfair.
Baconpancakes
Would it be possible for your husband to step back from his career a bit in a year or two to give you the chance to focus on work and take opportunities then? You need one parent to provide the majority of the caregiving, but you can tag team it.
Monday
Yes–I think the notion that gender plays no role here is a little simplistic (much as I wish it were true). First of all, there’s the obvious fact of biology. But also, women are concentrated in lower-paying, lower-prestige jobs within the professions, and so on a demographic level it’s not really a coincidence that mothers tend to step back as opposed to fathers when both have professional careers. Also, the very reason for the “pink ghetto” in jobs is the flexibility that mothers often seek in an employment situation–sort of a catch-22. OP, I don’t think you should feel guilty or non-feminist, but I hear you and also caf as to why it’s uncomfortable.
Hollis
Baconpancakes – I disagree with you that “one parent” needs to “provide the majority of the caregiving.” My DH and I contribute equally to the household and to parenting, and we both have demanding, high earning potential careers. Most of my friends are in the same boat (lawyer/doctor, lawyer/lawyer, banker/lawyer, etc.). We shift schedules, we juggle daycare drop-offs/pickups, we hire nannies, etc. My three kids are older now, but I can honestly say that it’s been 50-50 at home for us and our kids and our careers are no worse off for it. I’m not saying our house is clean, because it isn’t, but neither of us felt we needed to sacrifice our career once we had kids is all.
Baconpancakes
Sorry, I meant to say “at least one parent.” You have to have at least one person at a time able to devote the time and energy to managing raising children, and the OP makes it sound like if she couldn’t leave work to get her kid from daycare if he or she is sick, her husband wouldn’t be able to do it.
It’s heartening to hear that you didn’t feel like you had to sacrifice either of your careers – if you’re still reading, what would you say made it work for you (when so many other people feel like one parent has to take a less demanding job)?
Diana Barry
Don’t do it. Working for a bad boss is awful at the best of times, and this is not the best of times. I agree with Meg Murry on the way to respond. Also, if he is offended that you don’t want to apply? THAT is why you don’t want to work for him!
Wine
srsly — this is a job that should be open again shortly
no need to sprint for it now
Pretty Primadonna
This is exactly what I was thinking…
Blonde Lawyer
I read your post as saying the potential new boss will be offended you didn’t apply, not that he/she will be offended as to why you didn’t apply. If that is the case I would say something like “thank you for this great opportunity. At this time I have some personal commitments that would preclude me from working the hours required for that job. However, if an opportunity arises in the future once these commitments have passed, I will certainly consider it.”
Scarlett
To echo what others have said, no way would I ever consider a job like this, baby or no baby. It sounds like an utter nightmare. If you want to ramp up, now or at some other point, I’m sure there’s got to be a better option than this one.
rosie
Seriously. OP, have you ever worked for a “crazy micro managing supervisor”? And I don’t mean as a summer internship, I mean as worked for that person with no end in sight. I would never leave a job I liked with all the elements you mention for that.
NYNY
It sounds like the new job doesn’t fit with your current priorities. Even if you’re bored at your current job, it sounds like your home life is presenting plenty of challenges. Babies grow and home priorities change, so stay where you are for now and revel in the flexibility it offers.
Don’t tell the diva-nut why you’re not applying. Just thank him for thinking of you and say that, after careful consideration, it’s not the right time for you to make a move.
Diet Pepsi
Yes — use your free time and underengagement to network and find the perfect next job. Or at least not this proposed next job.
CPA Lady
Speaking as someone who has a 6 month old and has been working 60-70 hours a week for the past couple of months– do. not. do it. I see my daughter for about 45 minutes a day when I’m getting her ready to go to daycare. I put her to bed two nights a week. Other nights are done by my husband or baby sitters.
It is so so hard when she gets sick, which is all the time because she’s a baby in daycare. She’s sick right now and I cried in the car on the way to work because I can’t be the one to take her to the doctor, I can’t stay home with her, I can’t hold her at night, I can’t do anything. We also don’t have family nearby, and my husband works nights. It is incredibly hard, and I generally like my job and have a calm and reasonable boss.
Remember, making a decision to not change jobs now doesn’t mean you never get to change jobs. There will be more challenging jobs available for the rest of your life.
Senior Attorney
If you’re not ready, don’t do it. I think Blonde Lawyer’s statement about why you don’t choose to apply at this time is just right.
Life is long, careers are long, there will be other chances.
la vie en bleu
These aren’t the only two jobs in the world. You want something different, but this might not be the right option. Keep looking and believe that there is a job out there that is challenging but not as hard as this one. Just because you don’t pick this option does not mean that you are a bad feminist.
Brit
I’m a single woman and there is NO WAY that I would apply for the job you describe. But maybe you should so I can apply for the job you have now!!!
Jen
The responses from everyone seem to be very black and white. However, would it not be possible to decline the offer, stating that moving offices and jobs is not currently quite right for you, but that you might be interested in tackling one-off projects here and there if your supervisors let you? If it’s all the same government entity, this might be possible and give you a taste of the more exciting work. Obviously, if that’s not viable, you just have to go with your gut (and perhaps start hunting for the job that will be the right fit for both your interests and your life). I also suspect that if you told your higher ups you needed some new challenges, they’d be more than willing to work with you to find something to keep you more interested; you never know until you try/ask.
I’m not yet a mother, but I know based on my own personality that I could not be a good mother or mentor or partner or friend if I was not being intellectually challenged at work. I would be a basket case. That’s just who I am (and that is not a comment on any mother who does not need that!), and I would feel a great deal of (probably misplaced) resentment toward my partner/child/family members if they truly held me back from being fulfilled at work. Thus, I find what you are saying you are feeling to be really refreshing and something with which I can identify.
Baconpancakes
Thanks for everyone who chimed in on the question about the guy spicing hot wings to the point of inedibleness yesterday – I would never have the patience to be a lawyer my self, but I’m fascinated by the process of law!
anon
“It feels really horrible and unfeminist to put my mothering role ahead of my career”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is not what feminism means.^^^^^^^^^^^^
Best of luck in your choice. It sounds like you know where your heart lies and you should trust yourself.
Aerith
“It feels really horrible and unfeminist to put my mothering role ahead of my career”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is not what feminism means.^^^^^^^^^^^^
Best of luck in your choice. It sounds like you know where your heart lies and you should trust yourself.
tesyaa
Try eBay searching for “suit buttons”. Lots of choices. The only negative is that some buttons look really great but may feel lightweight or cheap in person.
Basics
If you’re in NYC, try Tender Buttons on East 62nd. Not sure if they sell online, too.
NYNY
mjtrim dot com
BB
Are you looking to replace the exact button or get a new set of buttons? If you don’t want anything fancy, but just something standard and well made, I usually go to Wawak. I’ve replaced several blazers’ ugly original buttons with their horn suit buttons. If you go to their site, use their catalog to browse – the actual site interface is pretty useless for seeing what things look like.
Moonstone
Vogue in the Chicago area also has a website: https://www.voguefabricsstore.com/Clothing-Buttons-Buckles-and-Closures/
Alaska!
I am going on a family cruise to Alaska this summer, yay! It will still be pretty brisk – around 60-65 degrees and I would like to get a fun coat/jacket. Any recommendations? I am thinking of getting something a bit sporty/outdoorsy and would like it to be under $100.
anon
Yay! I’ve done this trip, and I’m pretty outdoorsy. It’s awesome. I’ll leave specific brand recs to others, but I recommend getting something that is water resistant and wind resistant because it rains a bunch up there (sorry if this is obvious to you). Plus, you’ll likely be doing the shore excursions, which can include things like hiking, glacier trips, gold panning (super cute for young kinds), dog sledding, fishing, etc. all of which you’d want weather protection. I’m not sure if your primary emphasis is on being cute/ fun or functionality, but either way, quick dry materials are your friend here.
PinkKeyboard
No brand advice but I’m totally coveting the cute parka/field coats that everyone is wearing. But I’m pregnant and enormous so I will continue coveting.
lucy stone
Alaska is the best, you will have so much fun! I have two coats from L.L. Bean that I always take when we go – the Trail Model Raincoat and the Pathfinder soft shell jacket. Both are on sale in some colors right now for under $100. I wear the raincoat at least a little every day, and the softshell only if it’s really cold, so get the raincoat first because you can layer underneath it. Most days I wear a light fleece or sweatshirt, t-shirt, and jeans. Be sure to dress in layers since the weather can change from cold and rainy to sunny and lovely pretty quickly. Make sure your raincoat is waterproof – I spray mine before we go just to make sure, same thing with shoes.
AIMS
Boden has some raincoats on sale now for less than $100 if you want something unusual with a fun print.
http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Clearance/Womens-Coats-Jackets/Coats/WE466-NAV/Womens-French-Navy-Spot-Print-Short-Rainy-Day-Mac.html?NavGroupID=2
padi
I love Alaska! I worked near Wasilla for a summer in college. It is so beautiful! And so cold!
Think layers. I usually wore three or four layers on top (I was working outside, near water). I have a wool button-up shirt that I used as my second or third layer everyday (my personal grunge phase) that was great at keeping me warm. This was before North Face etc. became popular, but I would definitely buy one of their warm, lightweight, wind and water resistant jackets.
Think about layers for your legs. I usually wore long johns under my jeans. Silks would have been ideal. Bring warm boots and warm socks ala smartwool.
Bring a warm, winter hat that covers your ears (in the words of my mom). I had a wool stocking hat that was perfect and that I’m wearing in all of my Alaska photos. You might not need them, but I would bring mittens too.
Bring some heavy duty rain gear. Most of the time, the rain was drizzly and I didn’t need to really gear up but every so often, it would shower for hours on end. I had a Columbia rain suit (including pants) that worked well for those days.
For when you are trying to warm up, if you have a favorite hot drink like a certain tea, bring it along. There is nothing so nice on a cold day as a warm mug of hot tea!
Ciao, pues
Question for the lawyers:
What bar associations do you belong to and do you think they’re useful?
I’m in public interest and don’t have the dough to pony up for multiple memberships. I’m wondering if there are real benefits to joining national orgs (like the ABA, WBA, etc.) or if it’s more useful to keep it local. I’m currently a member of the ABA but get no benefit from it at all, but that could be because I haven’t sought out the right things from it.
mascot
Bar Associations: my state bar (membership is mandatory in my state) as well as several of its practice groups relative to my specialty, my local bar association (mandated by my firm).
Professional Associations- the national association for lawyers in my practice area, a state association for lawyers in my practice area
I use the professional associations frequently for practice/industry news, research and CLEs. The local bar is good for meeting other lawyers in my small city. I haven’t been a member of the ABA in years, mostly because it’s expensive and the specialty group for my practice group is redundant to the national group I am in.
Wildkitten
None, because I haven’t found any of them to be useful.
Wanderlust
I’m a member of my (large, east coast) city’s local bar, and I also joined a committee relevant to my practice area. The committee meets monthly and discusses practice/industry news and has guest speakers. I have found it useful for networking purposes.
NavyLawyer
None except mandatory state bar. I always wonder if it has to do with your practice. I’ve noticed that small firm/solo litigators tend to be heavily involved in the local bar, and seems to be for case referrals, and general community, more tailored CLEs, etc. If you’re in a more national-practice (e.g., corporate bankruptcy or M&A), could a national bar be useful? FWIW I’ve moved from the national level to local-level in the same practice area, and am considering becoming more active in the (mandatory) state bar, and also other local practice-related bars.
ORD
None. I dropped them all long ago – it didn’t seem worth the fees because I don’t work for a firm so I was paying on my own.
Anonattorney
It probably depends on your market. In my city we have a very close-knit bar, especially in business litigation. Many of the lawyers are active in the county bar association (the county is essentially the biggest city in the state). It has a number of committees that are great for networking.
Must be Tuesday
I belong to my local city bar association, because they have a lot of fun programs and volunteer opportunities and social events that I enjoy. It’s a way to network with other lawyers outside my practice area, and I enjoy the activities and committees that I participate in.
I also belong to a national professional organization for attorneys in my specific practice area, which is very helpful for seminars and CLEs and practice materials that are actually relevant and useful, as well as keeping up on changes and networking with attorneys in the same practice area.
Those are the 2 bar associations that I find useful. The state bar and ABA don’t offer anything appealing that I’m not already getting through my other bar associations.
Emily
I think it depends on what you need and put into it. I do have to say that I really like the NYCBA for the CLEs if you need them (not relevant if your firm meets all those needs), and certain ethnic bar associations because of the support/network they provide due to the fact that they tend to be smaller than the larger bar associations.
anonymous
So we’re moving to an apartment that’s about 50% more expensive than where we live now because it seems like everything within our current price point & possible locations consists of really disruptive neighbors. I’ve searched high and low, and there really is no middle ground in my area. This is the first time I’ve pursued a financial strategy that more or less minimizes all expenses, but I work crazy hours, many of them at home, and I need some peace. I don’t really have many habits of spending money (like a daily coffee run, for example), and I’m looking for tips on cutting expenses elsewhere to compensate for what I’ll be spending on housing.
We can definitely afford this so I’m being a little ridiculous, but I’d like to stick to a general policy of minimizing expenses where it doesn’t cost me sanity.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m curious how you have vetted out future neighbors before moving. It would be great to be able to do that but most often we don’t find out what our neighbors are like until after we move. How do you know the more expensive place will not have disruptive neighbors? (Unless you are going from a shared wall to detached house or something.)
Baconpancakes
See if you can casually ask around for potential disruptive noises – even a nice area/building isn’t a guarantee of a quiet area. Examples: colicky babies, dogs with separation anxiety, home renovations.
Anonymous
Agree with this, and often I’ve found that the noise gets worse in the more expensive places because they’re filled with those college kids and recent grads who have wealthy parents footing the bill for little Scotty and Madison to live in luxury apartments and host parties every weekend.
BB
Ugh, I know! And the agent always tries to tell you that it’ll be fine because the building “doesn’t allow undergrads,” and all that means is that it can’t be the 19 year old’s name on the lease/deed.
roses
Do you have debt? If so, have you looked into refinancing options?
AR
What really helped for us:
Put together a spreadsheet and list all of your bills (including min credit card payment). Use the spreadsheet to see how much money you actually have after all of the bills and savings are removed. Thats your expendable cash for things like groceries, eating out, starbucks, fun money, etc.
Keep one bank account that has your pay coming in where all of your savings and hard bills are withdrawn from (best part – forces savings). Then have an automatic transfer to another account with the card/cash you can use for groceries/fun/everyday expenses. Get auto alerts for that account and then when it is out, it is out. You end up cutting costs because you have to.
It is a lot less stress because you have one account dedicated to spending so you don’t have to think, well is the mortgage going to come out? Or did that credit card payment go through? Etc.
Hope it helps!
Wildkitten
You need to do an investigation of where you are spending money before you can know where/how to cut spending. I like this “challenge everything” project – http://www.budgetsaresexy.com/challenge-everything/
anon a mouse
YNAB. Seriously. You need a budget. Great software with a different philosophy than most. YNAB has you plan your spending before you spend it — different than many backwards-looking programs.
Also, I know everyone extols the virtues of cutting out lattes and dinners out, but also look for areas of potential big savings – car insurance, homeowners/renters insurance, cable, etc.
Gail the Goldfish
Putting aside the financial benefit, getting rid of cable was so satisfying. No, TimeWarner, I don’t need to deal with your terrible service anymore, thank you very much.
Liz
This. Get rid of cable, and see if you can negotiate your internet bill – usually if you call and ask or quote a competitor, someone will eventually give you a discount. Also look at your different insurance options – I saved 50% by switching car insurance providers even before I adjusted my deductibles upward!
Check out your transportation costs, too – if you drive or use public transit, can you bike or walk? Can you sell an expensive car and get a cheaper one?
Good luck!
Kelly K
I have the much-lauded Stila waterproof eyeliner, and after a couple months, it feels like it’s not working the same. The tip is too bendy, and it’s not covering as much – trying to add more to fill in the holes sometimes makes the Sharpie-like line of actually removing the color. Anyone else have this problem? Is there a drugstore brand that people like for liquid waterproof eyeliner?
Meg Murry
its recommended to replace eyeliner every 3-6 months, so its possible that its just beyond its days and if you liked it before to replace with a fresh one. It sounds like yours has either dried up or run out.
Not an eyeliner expert, but some waterproof products do actually re-wet and therefore remove the previously applied stuff – like how if you have dried dry eraser marker on a whiteboard the best way to remove it is by drawing over with fresh marker.
Anon
I have been using this for about a year and find it runs out pretty quickly. I probably replace every few months. I think it’s not a perfect eyeliner, but it’s the best I have found for easy application and staying all day.
Jen
I use the Milani brand waterproof eyeliner, which I get from CVS but imagine is available in any drugstore. It works great and I don’t feel bad replacing it every 3 months at about $7 each time.
WJM-TV
There is a Physician’s Formula liquid pen one (comes in a 3 pack) that gets pretty good reviews. Can’t think of the exact name though!
another eyeliner question
Does anyone have a sharpener that they like? The drugstore one I have sharpens unevenly and leaves pointy wood ends on my pencil – ouch. I use the Urban Decay 24/7 pencils if that matters. Yes, this seems like a ridiculous problem to have but I am tired of chewing up the liners trying to sharpen them.
HSAL
I’ve bought sets of the 24/7 before that come with a sharpener, and I’ve never had trouble with them. Looks like you can buy the sharpener separately. http://www.sephora.com/grind-house-P219007?skuId=1470988&om_mmc=ppc-GG&mkwid=vfCtrgfH&pcrid=49113172359&pdv=c&site=us_search&country_switch=us&lang=en&gclid=Cj0KEQjwxpipBRCap8PR2Om7vq4BEiQA6V7OVQ1kEQ2zMp_ptJ4hCiuMBhmA6X0GCeM9oiZVegdqiDwaApb38P8HAQ
TO Lawyer
This is an amazing sharpener – I highly recommend!
WJM-TV
I have a Clinique one, and it’s great. Bought it at Sephora.
Housecleaner in NYC
The lovely woman who used to clean my apartment is retiring, and I’m looking for someone new. I have a one-bedroom in Manhattan and really only need someone to come once a month or so to do a deep clean (I clean myself in between). I paid her $90; I would like to continue paying around that but I’m willing to pay more for someone trustworthy/good. Does anyone have someone they like? TIA :)
AIMS
I’ve used the wizard of homes service and thought it was really great. Not like other services in that it’s just a small local business, great customer service, woman-owned, and you get the same cleaner every time. I think they charge about $150 for a deep clean but I don’t think you’ll need an actual “deep clean” as they call it. The woman who came to “deep clean” my 1 bdrm. apartment was at my house from 9-5 and scrubbed every last service, did the windows, etc. I think she would have been there longer if I let her. Anyway, I felt very comfortable with her and even left her alone for a bit – I would give them a shot if you’re looking for someone thorough and trustworthy.
http://wizardofhomesnyc.com/
ETA: I think their regular cleanings are around $75 for a 1bdrm. and with tip that would come to about what you were paying.
Ella
wait, i should be tipping my house cleaner every time? I’ve only had my place cleaned a few times but this never occurred to me. (I did give a holiday gift equal to one additional cleaning around xmas.)
Do you tip regardless of whether its a service or a solo person who comes and cleans? What % should i tip?
AIMS
You tip if it’s a service because the cleaner isn’t getting all of that fee and it’s usually recommended. I do 15-20%. If it’s a solo, you don’t tip unless they go above and beyond – like major cleaning job before your guests are coming or they switched around their schedule to accommodate you last minute, etc. Otherwise, just a holiday gift is fine.
S
I found someone great through Handy.com and you can chose the once a month pricing and option. If you don’t like the first person who comes just pick a different day/time to try someone else.
Housecleaner in NYC
Thanks, both of you!
long time lurker
I found my cleaner through a women owned co op in NYC called Si Se Puede / Yes we can. You call themand tell them what you need and they match you up with someone. If you like the person, you arrange future cleanings directly with them.
If you google the name and NYC you will quickly find the website.
Anonymous
I am so sick of my closet, and I feel like it needs some serious refreshing. I don’t even know where to start.
I’d like to make my work wardrobe a little bit nicer- I usually wear Minnie pants with a sweater, or blouse/blazer, or a dress with a cardigan. My office is business casual, though some people wear more interesting suits instead of being business casual.
My weekend clothes are also boring, I just want some spice in my life.
I’m in my late 20s and a size 10 if anyone has specific suggestions…
houston, we have a problem
wrong response!
AIMS
Get some fun colorful shoes. Black Minnie pants with a neutral sweater and these shoes would be a very cute outfit: http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Shoes-Boots/Heels/AR654-PPK/Womens-Peony-Lupin-Millie-Slingback.html
For the dresses, add some colorful belts and necklaces. I always get great belts at JCrew and Jcrew Factory, most under $20.
Also, look for a fun necklace. I have a chunky gold chain I wear (I think its from Club Monaco) and it makes boring outfits look cooler and more intentional somehow.
NavyLawyer
When I’m sick of my clothes I start with shoes – some crazy color or pattern of heels. Sometimes a crazy color of casual blazer, like orange or teal. It sounds like you have many staples, can you try patterned pants, maybe for the weekend?
Bonnie
+1 on the shoe rec. I was feeling blah about my outfit until I put on fun shoes and a necklace. They completely transformed the outfit.
Short sleeve cardigans?
Does anyone do short-sleeve cardigans? I’m thinking since designers stopped designing sleeves (or stop at cap sleeves) and it’s getting hot, it’d be great to have a few to wear in warmer temperatures, probably solid colors. Thoughts? Where to go?
tesyaa
I saw that the Eddie Bauer Christine cardigan now comes in an elbow sleeve version. It’s very tempting and those Christine cardigans get great reviews.
TBK
The J Crew Jackie cardigan has 3/4 sleeves. It’s my go-to summer layer.
Zelda
+1. TJ Maxx/Marshalls usually carries a similar version that I actually like better than the Jackie, because they’re a little thicker and seems to wear better. They’re also about half the price of the Jackie, so they’re my new go-to when I’m buying new sweaters.
Hildegarde
I remember seeing a cardigan with short sleeves in the Boden catalogue. I think it was called the Fifties Cardigan. The sleeves were kind of long for short sleeves, so that they come down closer to the elbow than a regular short sleeve, but they weren’t elbow sleeves or ballerina sleeves or whatever those are called. It had a number of solid colors, so I’d try that one.
houston, we have a problem
Talbots has the Kelly Cardigan in a number of colors.
http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi34723&N=4294966578+10497&selectedConcept=Misses
Duchess
I get the Halogen 3/4 length from Nordstrom. I’m not particularly tall or long armed, but they’re more like elbow length on me (just below). They usually come in 20 or so colors every year.
Anonymous
Jcrew used to do tissueweight short sleeve cardigans, but I’m not sure if they still have them. I wasn’t a huge fan because they were so light that they just didn’t lay right, and the sleeves were still only cap sleeves. I just go with the Jackie now, and the sleeves are loose enough at the end that they can be pushed up over your elbows (but not much further, as they are tighter in the shoulders and most of the upper arm).
la vie en bleu
I’ve got a couple that I didn’t purchase that recently, but they are from Banana and Ann Taylor. The BR one is silk/cotton blend, I really like that I feel like it’s held up longer than just cotton ones. Also had an Eileen Fisher one I really liked that I lost. Check those places out now that summer clothes are coming in. Also I have a couple from target, which are more casual clearly, but if you want something cheap.
Bonnie
I think short sleeve cardigans are a bit dated but 3/4 and elbow are more fashionable.
tesyaa
wrong place
TBK
Question for DC folks — Planning to go to the Cherry Blossom festival Saturday with my au pair and twin 12 mo olds. Still debating driving vs Metro. Pros of driving: no getting double stroller on/off Metro; can load up with kid gear without having to carry it around; if kids melt down, can head back to car and go home; if we cut too close to naptime, can put kids in the car and drive around while they sleep (if they fall asleep in the car, and then get woken up even five min later, they won’t go back down for a nap). Cons: Parking, parking, parking, traffic, parking. As for meltdowns, my kids are kind of in a magic window where we’re done with random crying fits (like when they were about 4 mo old and would just suddenly get fussy for no apparent reason) but we’re not into toddler tantrum territory either. So meltdowns aren’t terribly likely.
Anyone with Cherry Blossom experience have any advice on what we should do? It’s been years since I went to the festival, and back then I just kind of poked around the edges after finishing the race. TIA!
AR
Oooh, so hard. Doing this saturday as well — see you there!
We usually go with the metro so we don’t have to worry about parking. Driving around for parking can take ages with the Cherry Blossoms and tourists. (Then again if you have an office that will let you park there, that would be fantastic). Double stroller does fit surprisingly easily on metro, but yeah it takes a while to get to and from. On the way home, the kiddos usually fall asleep so that is good for nap.
I pack a lunch/take snacks because getting to and from lunch places is horrible. And in case of breakdown on the metro, I bring the iPad.
Baconpancakes
HAHAHAHAHA No don’t drive.
Seriously. I don’t go within a mile of the cherry blossom festival without elbow and knee pads, a helmet, and sharp, pointy stick. You will not find parking. Trust me on this. If you put the kids in the car to nap and drive around, they’ll just sit in the car in traffic. If meltdowns aren’t likely, I would definitely avoid the car. Don’t bring as much water as you think you’ll need – they’ll have water stations where you can fill up a water bottle. I’d definitely suggest going super early, as the crowds start early and just get worse as the day goes on.
Spirograph
+1. I don’t know where you would even park that is walking distance, and double stroller on a shuttle would be a lot worse than the metro. If you have 2 baby-wearing devices, I would strap a baby on you and one on au pair and keep your stroller folded on the metro; you’ll get fewer death glares and be more maneuverable.
Definitely go as early as you can. You are brave for doing this on peak bloom / festival weekend. Good luck!
POSITA
Check the date and time of the road race. It’s this weekend. I wouldn’t drive that morning, period.
Wildkitten
It’s Sunday. Pack Claritin.
TBK
Okay you have me convinced. Metro, it is! And we’ll definitely be doing the early thing. (I better warn my au pair. She’s 23 and, like me at that age, loves her late mornings on the weekend.)
Meg Murry
Do you have a single stroller or could you borrow one from a friend? It seems like single stroller + Ergo type carrier might be easier than double stroller on the Metro.
I agree that you are far more likely to just be sitting in the car in traffic that able to drive around to put them to sleep.
la vie en bleu
ha, this looks just as unanimous as the whether to train/fly from DC to NY question. ;o)
When I’m tired of the festival part, I just wander around the tidal basin and enjoy being among the blossoms. It’s all paved so should be fine with the stroller.
Student loans and marriage
For those of you who got married when only one of you was bringing student loans into the marriage, how did you handle it? Were those loans treated like common-debt and you both paid them down/off together, or did the person who brought them pay them off? Did your relative salaries make a difference?
Also, if one of you had previously had loans but paid them off before you got married, and the other one brought loans into the marriage, did that impact how you handled the remaining loans?
Rural Juror
We both had student loans that we brought into the marriage but mine were significantly more (more than double) than my H. Prior to marriage we were each paying on our own. After marriage we decided to treat them like common debt. What we did was we put the same amount of money on each of our loans each month. Because we went that route, it means that H’s loans will be paid off much quicker than mine (because he owes less), which I realize isn’t completely “fair” (since he will be paid off before me), but he also brings in a lot more of the household income and I benefit from that so that’s not really “fair” either. So it works. We decided that once his are paid off we will redirect that money toward mine.
TXLawyer
When things started getting serious, we sat down, had the financial talk and I told him what my student loan debt was. I told him my plan for paying off my loans, including a timeline and monthly estimated payments. He was understandably nervous, so I gave him some time to think about it what he wanted our financial relationship to involve.
When we revisited the subject, he said that it helped him to know that I had thought about how I would manage the debt if we decided to keep it separate, and that made him feel like it would be less of a burden to deal with together. We decided to merge our finances and treat all debts and income as jointly owned and came up with a plan to pay down my student loan debt.
meme
We combined all of our finances entirely into one pot, including income and debt. At the time, he had some student loans, and both of us were still students, so our incomes were piddly to nothing. We both went to law school and came away with large-ish student loans. I went first and had a much higher income for 5 or 6 years, then when we had kids I stepped back a bit and he now earns more than double what I do (but I work part time). For us, it has all kind of evened out over time as to both income and debt, but, regardless, we made the decision in the beginning that we share all money and debt. It has worked out well for us.
Anon
I had student loans and my husband did not. He had some other, messy (ie not being handled) debt in the tune of $20k so I have never felt too badly about my loans, particularly because they weren’t anything crazy (they were around $50k when we got married). I handle our finances since I am exponentially better at money management and everything is joint. He is in the loop on everything that is going on (major purchases, etc.) but mostly he was happy to turn the reigns over to me. Currently any surplus money goes toward my loans because they have the highest interest rate.
Student loans and marriage
To add a bit more color:
– the person who has already paid off student loans had approximately $160K in loans
– the person who is bringing loans into the marriage will be bringing in approximately $160K
– the person who has already paid off student loans will out-earn the other person
POSITA
After marriage it became all about accomplishing joint financial goals–affording a house, paying for maternity leave, taking a vacation together, etc. We didn’t make one person pay penance for having school debt. We just worked to build our finances together.
Anonattorney
Ultimately, as a couple you have X amount of money coming in and Y amount of expenses. The loans have to be paid. I don’t really see how saying it’s your responsibility to pay them (vs. your husband’s) will affect either side of the equation.
Say you are entirely responsible for paying the loans out of your salary. If you don’t have enough to cover your share of the remaining expenses, he is going to cover those. If he wants to take a nice vacation because “he” can afford it, but you can’t, because you have to pay your loans, is he just going to go by himself? No! You’re married! He’s going to pay your share. So either way, he is going to be shouldering more of the joint expenses even if he isn’t going to be contributing directly to paying off your loans.
The alternative is that you both live a lifestyle that YOU can afford based on what you have leftover after paying your debt on your own. If that’s the case, he will likely be taking a big lifestyle hit. And he will have a lot of money leftover that he isn’t spending on living expenses. I suppose he could take that unspent money and put it into his own retirement and savings accounts, but unless you had a prenup saying that you had no right to any of that in the event of a divorce, those savings are also your’s.
Wildkitten
We cohabitate but I pay my loans and he pays more of rent, because I can’t afford both my loans and half the rent as monthly bills. If we were married our budget would be even more mixed.
anonymous from 12:10 below
Anonattorney and Wildkitten really captured exactly what I was going for.
anonymous
DH has a huge student loans, and I have none. We make about the same and have decided to keep finances separate. All assets and debts are separate on paper except things that must not be (our house), but realistically, it’s a shared burden. He’s paying a lot in student loans so he has less to contribute toward other expenses. There are circumstances where we’ve decided that the lifestyle changes we want to make necessarily must be heavily subsidized by me. For example, I paid for almost our entire down payment for our house which was fairly expensive. It’s an informal arrangement that works well for us.
Annie
My husband had a little student loan debt (maybe $15,000) when we got married right out of college. We treated it as joint debt. About a year after getting married, after we had a decent emergency fund, we prioritized paying down the student loans. We paid them off after 2 years.
Since we got married when we basically had no money, and had just started jobs, it was easier for us to just view all money and all debt as our money and our debt. That might have been different if we had gotten married later when we had actual assets.
Anonyc
He paid his off while we were dating, and I brought all my law school loan to the marriage. My loans were way bigger (like, 1 year for me = his total loans for 3 years) because I went to school many years after him. Yay, educational costs run rampant. We combined all finances and my debt has been paid with our combined incomes. No resentment or problems on this issue, as money is one thing we are in near-total agreement about and never argue about. OTOH, I have a hazy bar exam memory that because we married a few months before I graduated law school, should we ever divorce he could conceivably “own” part of my license. That could be totally wrong, as I’ve done my best to block out all bar memories (and been pretty successful at it!).
DC Anon
I wanted to wait to get married until I paid off my remaining law school loans (he did not have any debt) and I managed to pay off my debt at a rate of about $60k per year. If it had been the other way around, I would have wanted to see my partner making a serious effort to knock out as much debt as possible before we were married and it became my responsibility too.
Separately, if your partner is approaching the debt in a way that’s not consistent with your financial values (i.e., just making their regular payment each month), then I think that’s a bigger issue than sorting through the logistics of who is going to be responsible for what.
That aside, this might be a good scenario for a prenup. Because once you have the prenup in place, you can then pay down the debt jointly without having to worry about happens in the future if things don’t work out.
NavyLawyer
Savings is presumably a joint pot of money for joint goals, thus anything that goes to either student loan is not going to the joint goals. Thus it’s silly to think of it as his-vs.-her loans, since no matter how you slice it, it affects both of you. It’s more expeditious to work at the problem together than separately.
DH & I each brought $60k in loans to the marriage. I’ve always out-earned DH by a lot. At the end of every year we throw a huge chunk of annual savings at the student loans. First we tackled DH’s because they had higher interest rates and a long time horizon (20y payment plan). Now, 6 years in, my loans are low enough to pay off this summer, and his in 2 years. I did bring in assets to the marriage and kept them separate.
If DH handled his loans completely separately, he’d have 14 years to go instead of 2 because he makes less and isn’t great with money, so rarely makes extra payments. It’s more motivating for him to see the savings account increase rather than the student loan minimally decrease, and thus using that method we save more of his paycheck which helps both him and I work faster toward our joint goals, which surprisingly we’ve been able to achieve at the same time, and in retrospect it’s because we combined everything. If we had kept finances separate I would’ve lived higher on the hog, and probably to much resentment, justified or not.
Student loans and marriage
Thank you for all the responses!
The paid-off loans are mine, and he’s the one bringing loans into the marriage. My feeling is that what’s ours is ours and paying them off quickly will help us achieve (together) share goals more quickly, but I think he feels some guilt that I already paid off my own loans by myself and will now be “paying for” his, too.
ANP
Might be too late in the morning to ask on this thread, but I’m going to go for it: what do you do when someone is just flat-out missing a skill that’s necessary to do her job? The person in question is someone who reports to me. Writing is the main (only?) part of her position description and, come to find out, she’s terrible at it. TERRIBLE. This is something where I always assumed you were either born good at it (writing) or not, and while it’s possible to improve it’s also not always possible to undergo a complete skills metamorphosis.
Any advice on how to deliver this news and/or if it’s possible to truly help someone go from being a bad writer to a great one? I’m her new boss and she’s been with the organization for 2-3 years.
TXLawyer
Was she in a similar position prior to reporting to you? Maybe you could reach out to her previous supervisors to see how they used her skill set?
Is her terrible writing a function of sloppiness, errors, etc? Perhaps you could redline something she’s written and show her on paper how her writing is subpar. Or better yet, ask her to edit something to see if she can recognize poor grammar/spelling/punctuation in someone else’s writing.
Anonymous
Writing is not a skill that you are born with. One can absolutely learn to be a better and a proficient writer. There are books, courses, tips and tricks.
I wonder how she was hired for a position where writing is the only part of her job without being asked to submit (multiple) writing samples!
la vie en bleu
meh, as a not-great writer, I actually agree it’s largely a natural skill. My brain just doesn’t think that way. I can get better at it if I work *really* hard but it’s rarely worth the additional hours I have to put in compared to a more naturally proficient writer.
I actually left a job because it required too much writing and it was just too stressful for me. Are you sure your job description/hiring process really makes clear the level and quantity of writing needed? Mine did not, management kind of didn’t realize how writing-heavy it was, and as natural writers themselves, it didn’t occur to them that it does not come easily to everyone. I would talk about letting her go, but really look your hiring process and make sure you are looking for the right person.
Nope
In my experience, writing can’t improve fast enough for it to be financially worth it to a company to teach her. Time to go.
Spirograph
Agree, I am convinced you can’t quickly teach someone to write well. You can make them create outlines and show them how to logically present an argument or construct a sentence until you’re blue in the face, but some people just don’t have a knack for recognizing when writing is bad vs good, and even if they do, they can’t create the good kind. I really think this has a lot to do with how much and what types of reading they do, but you can’t exactly assign reading homework to an employee (although you could suggest it as part of mentoring).
Is she aware of this problem? I would try mentoring, but more importantly, also ask whether she feels like this job is a good fit for her, and if not, what she feels like her strengths are. IMHO, the best thing you can do for her and your organization is to move her into a more suitable role.
NYNY
Do you have time and inclination to mentor this person? If you do, I would start by scheduling weekly one on one meetings with her and stating from the start that you feel her writing needs to improve. Give her concrete examples of the flaws and how you want them corrected, and then spend time reviewing and reinforcing each week. If she doesn’t show effort and improvement, then you have cause to let her go.
Also, if you work for a large organization, there may be training available.
Rip her up
You could have her bring everything to you for editing and rip it up in red pen (with legit errors of course). Then keep copies. If she doesn’t improve you have documentation to show she is not performing her job adequately.
I would still talk to her and give her a heads up you have been noticing a lot of errors. Tell her that you are going to start kicking things back for corrections. People hate red pen. If she can become a better writer, the red pen will motivate her. If not…
Idea
A friend who’s a teacher uses a green pen as more of a positive motivator…. your love for red pen make me hate you irrationally…