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Tuesday’s TPS Report: Gisele Tie-Neck Printed Blouse

L'Agence Gisele Tie-Neck Printed Blouse | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Wow. I'm not usually a fan of the bow blouse (or the, sigh, pussybow blouse, as it is often called), but this one from L'Agence has me rethinking that. I love the cool stripes, the longer-than-necessary sleeves, and the fact that it's 100% silk. Intermix has it styled with a bunch of earthy neutrals and I'm digging that — it sidesteps the ’80s vibe you might get with a bright red or cobalt. The blouse is $275 at Intermix. L'Agence Gisele Tie-Neck Printed Blouse Two lower-priced alternatives are here and here; here is a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

244 Comments

  1. Any recommendations for textile recycling in DC? I have a stack of old clothes that are too ripped/stained to donate, but I don’t want to throw them away.

    2. We just use things like that for rags around the house. But our rag bag is getting pretty big, so I’d be interested in the answers to this!

    3. I know here in Pittsburgh there’s a veterans association you can donate clothes to and if they’re too old/ragged to be resold, they rip them up to use for pillow stuffing and the like that they can also sell. I think the organization is Vietnam Veterans or something of the like. We usually just give the stuff to my roommates’ mom, who makes the donation for us.

      1. Should have added – I think they have other locations across the country, not just in Pittsburgh.

        (seriously miss that edit button).

    4. I used to work at a high-end thrift store in my town (say, ladies’ auxiliary of doctor’s wives). We got a lot of donations that we didn’t want and we would give several truckloads to our local salvation army thrift store (they had a truck come over ever other week), much of which was clothes (mom jeans, etc.). My understanding is that they would re-sort through our donations and sell off to a place that bought it by the pound for stuffing, etc. and then put the rest in their store (i.e., servicable mom jeans).

      Men’s clothes and larger women’s clothes were always wanted by all thrift stores. We were picky b/c how many 4 year old Talbot’s size 4 items do you need? Especially when our customers are not all size 4s? But we would take most all in-demand clothes as would the salvation army.

      TL/DR: just donate them. There is a food chain within the organizations that they are all well-used to using. If they can’t use it, they will use it to get $ from a scrap fabric / clothing operation.

      1. Doctors’ wives.

        Not implying that any particular doctor (of either gender) had multiple wives.

    5. Check out I : CO http://www.ico-spirit.com/en/about-ico/ They collect textiles no longer usable as clothing. From the website: Textiles are used, for example, as insulation material for the construction industry, for cushioning and filling material, for stuffed toys, insoles or bags; shoes are turned into floorings, keyrings, protective packaging, pellets or hard casing.

      In D.C. area, you can drop off at Puma or North Face. The site has a store finder.

  2. Just saw a job posting for insurance defense litigation (at a firm, not in house). Does anyone do this kind of work? Is it as soul sucking as I imagine it would be? I’ve always worked on the plaintiffs side so I am just curious how hard it is to be the “bad guy.”

    1. I did for about three years. The day to day is no different in terms of a “soul sucking” scale, but trial (if you get there) is brutal. I’ve never met a juror who was like “you know who I sympathize with is the insurer….”

    2. I have done both Plaintiff’s personal injury and insurance defense litigation. Now currently in insurance defense. There are definite pluses and minuses.

      I don’t find it to be “soul sucking”. There is something to be said for getting paid whether you win or lose. I have also developed good relationships with the adjusters at the companies that I represent, so they are, in general, good about listening to me when I tell them a case needs to be settled.

      That having been said, the billable hour kinda sucks, especially when some insurance companies nit pick your bills. For example, I had a phone call with a co defense lawyer and billed a .1, which is the least amount of time I can bill. The call was actually longer, but we talked about other things, so I put it down as a .1. The time entry read phone call with co Defense lawyer to discuss settlement strategy for mediation to take place on 9/22″. The insurance company billing software cut it from the bill finding my description ” too vague”.

      It would take me longer to resubmit the bill than I would get paid for the call, so I just let it go. We frequently have carriers cut hundreds if not thousands of dollars from bills for things like that.

      If you want more, I am happy to e mail chat. Post an e mail address and I will reply.

      1. Thank you, that kind of consistency in work/pay/etc is what made the posting attractive. I was expecting the kinds of things you said about billing, and suspect that will be an issue in any firm based off billable hours. I don’t have time to set up an alt email today but appreciate your perspective!

      2. The billing software/nitpicking bills is truly soul-sucking and takes *so*much*time. I am no longer doing any work where the client is an insurance company, and it’s so nice not to have to explain why that phone call took more than .1, or to have to request pre-approval of time on a motion where they never will approve as much as you need and you have to eat the extra time, etc.

      3. I’m having a hard time putting my finger on this, but does anyone else find it interesting that the insurance companies seem to be doing the same thing to their legal council as to the plaintiffs vis a vis nickel and dimeing? If this is a problem for the whole industry, why don’t the defense lawyers all get together and do something about all the unfair billing practices? I guess politically you can’t bite the hand that feeds you?

        1. hahahahah. I don’t find it interesting, I find it obvious and really irritating. It’s not even political, its just that lawyers are competing for this work- not sure how there would ever be some sort of en masse revolution of defense lawyers. The insurance companies know that firms are still struggling for work. If your firm doesn’t want it, there’s 5 out there who do. They fight with firms over rate increases of 5-10 dollars. It’s also not like the work is sophisticated enough (except for some E&O liability) that they really need *your firm* to handle it or else.

        2. I work on the other side in mass tort claims – and while I understand this is not true for all counsel (nor is it true for all insurers) the number of times I’ve gone through billings to find completely egregious amounts of time allocated to simple tasks (your forum motion did not take 25 hours to draft, especially since it was nearly identical to one we did six months ago) or defense work being purportedly done of files well after they are settled or something equally absurd is disappointing.

          So… it works both ways unfortunately and some experiences necessitate the reviews.

    3. I’ve done it before. I’d disabuse yourself of the notion that the plaintiff’s side is always the “good guy’s” side and that the ins. co’s side is the “bad guy’s” side. That is overly simplistic thinking that doesn’t represent an actual picture of what you’ll be doing. Basically, you’ll lose any sympathy you have for a majority of plaintiffs really quickly- people who aren’t actually injured but have some scummy lawyer telling them they should sue because they insurance company will eventually settle. Which is true. I wound up feeling much more empathy for a smaller company that is stuck in litigation and sees a threat for $100,000 from when they didn’t do anything wrong and/or no one was injured. I rarely, if ever, felt like I was defending a “bad guy,” but I’m not saying it wouldn’t happen. Insurance defense attorneys are like gate keepers to a flood of stupid, pointless claims that get in the way of peoples’ businesses. To the extent that role soothes your soul, its ok.

      Good sides: clients aren’t that demanding. They expect B+ work (as compared to what you’ll be expected to produce at a biglaw firm). No one will pay you to spend nights proof reading briefs until they are perfect (maybe that’s a bad side….). They don’t send emails on nights or weekends. You get good opportunities to get experience- easy to send a young associate to a MSJ hearing for a small value matter. In 2 years I wrote numerous MSJs, argued one, did a trial, wrote numerous depos and discovery motions, interviewed witnesses and clients, et al.

      Bad sides: clients are cheap. SO cheap. Bills get audited and cut. Therefore, hours can be high because its a volume practice. Work can be dull (how much do slip and falls interest you? personal injury? do you like discovery?) and repetitive. Some kinds of insurance litigation are better than others- hospital clients are better than clients where all your work is defending slip and fall suits. Your insureds are not invested in the litigation like other clients usually are- they’re not paying your bills or the settlement, you’re just someone who the insurance company assigned to handle the case. This can make it difficult to establish rapport and ensure cooperation.

      I left because I got an opportunity to practice my dream area of law (something super progressive). Insurance defense work taught me a lot of basics, I had a ton of fun with my coworkers, but ultimately I was bored and knew that I’d never be happy doing that for the rest of my life. The cheapness of clients was already getting to me and the constant drumbeat of billable hours was stressful. Being on the defense side didn’t bother me at all, and I’m as bleeding hearty as they come.

      1. Completely agree with all of this.

        I definitely don’t think doing insurance defense meaning you’re representing the “bad guy.” The gatekeeper comparison above is really spot on. Sometimes, there’s liability, and you can acknowledge that, and it’s about reasonable damages. Or, you are helping a small company not get sucked into something much bigger than them needlessly. Or, you represent a professional – like lawyers – who get sued for malpractice. Those folks typically really care about their profession and you can evaluate whether they did or did not do something that should result in liability and if so, what those reasonable damages amount to. I feel good about the work I’ve done defending clients through insurance defense work, and honestly, I don’t ever feel like I’m representing the “bad guy.” But, honestly, I don’t view the plaintiff as the bad guy either – to me, it’s all about figuring out the facts and analyzing the damages and what is reasonable. I’ve never done PI, though. my perception – which may be completely off base – from the little bit I’ve touched is that there is a much more divided plaintiff v. defense bar mentality in those cases.

        1. I wouldn’t say I always viewed the plaintiff as the bad guy, but I think I’m jaded with respect to the personal injury work just based on my experience with it. I’d say that the vast majority of PI insurance defense cases we did were pretty much BS. There were a few that weren’t and reasonable settlements occurred. Can’t say that I got irked with the plaintiffs when doing construction, med/mal, or other professional liability work, and in those cases there was more room to disagree as to liability/damages. I’d agree that there’s a difference in perception of plaintiffs in PI v. other types of cases.

          Ok, I’m all over this thread, I’ll stop now. :D

    4. I worked on the plaintiff side for 4 years and moved to insurance defence in the last year. I really prefer it. Working for repeat institutional clients is nice – you build rapport and relationships with them because you work on multiple files together, and having a more sophisticated client feels like a relief sometimes. I don’t always like the positions my clients take, but I also had that problem on the plaintiff side and had started the feel really disillusioned that a lot of my clients were working the system because they had heard their neighbour/cousin/FIL had got a big payout. Most of all, I like the camaraderie. On the plaintiff side, I was the only plaintiff counsel in any given case, whereas on the defence side, I often have co-counsel or other defence counsel to strategize which has added another element to my practice.

      Billing practices are a PIA in insurance defence, but a lot of plaintiff side firms have sketchy billing practices which I found unsettling, so all in all, I’m okay with having to comply with the stricter billing rules I have now.

    5. I personally found it soul-sucking, but part of that may have been that I was in Biglaw. My clients were frequently big, faceless, unsympathetic, and up to no good, but worst of all was the unrelenting billable hour tracking. You must write an essay to justify every minute of work you do, and insurance companies will discount your bill every time and it’s just kind of hard to get paid much under those circumstances. I now work for plaintiffs on contingency fee cases and much prefer it.

    6. Generally speaking, there is nothing wrong with working for an insurance defense firm. It does not mean that you will spend your days denying claims and fighting for “the man.” It just means that you are retained by insurance companies pursuant to policies issued to individuals and companies. This work ranges from General liability (slip and falls, etc.) to highly sophisticated work arising out of professional liability or D&O policies. So, depending on your area of practice, it can provide you with great experience. That being said, working for insurance companies can be hard. There is a lot of beaurocracy, rates are generally low and billing is reviewed by third party vendors who place a lot of restrictions on the type of billing and the amount of time you can bill for tasks. However there is usually a steady stream of business, so if you are young and just need experience, or older and just need some security and flexibility, it can be a good opportunity.

      1. I do this type of work, and I agree with this 100%. I actually thought I’d feel a lot worse about being “the man,” but usually for me the client is some sort of governmental entity – schools, cities, etc. – filled with nice people who want to do good things for society. Billing sucks, but the work is generally pretty interesting and we get paid (albeit at low ish rate). Also, as others have mentioned, there is a real upside to having a repeat customer that you build rapport with.

  3. Like the blouse, haaaaaaate that fringy skirt. Go away 70s!

    Can I get best recommendations for 2 things:

    – Chapstick or lip tint WITH SUNSCREEN?

    – No-show socks to wear under oxfords at the office? (The adidas ones I have on today are not cutting it, LOL)

    TIA!

    1. baby lips from Maybelline has a couple SPF options (but they do not have tint). I love those and they’re only like $4.

    2. Have been using Alba Botanical TerraTints for a lip tint (SPF 15) and Nivea A Kiss of Recovery Medicated Lip Care as a chapstick (SPF 15) . Found them both on the EWG Lip Care Guide (2 & 3 respectively) and have been using them all summer!

    3. It’s a little pricey, but I *love* Fresh Sugar lip balms, both tinted and not. The colors are sheer and pretty, and at least on me, last for a while and wear off gently. SPF 15, lemon scent.

      2. I’m obsessed with these. I try to buy the sets they have at Sephora during the friends and family sales to get a better value.

    4. I was meh on the blouse but I love that skirt. It is Plato’s Form of a suede skirt.

      When I walk out the door of BigLaw into my fabulous new life of writing bodice-rippers and other associated types of trashy fiction that will hopefully sell well, I will be wearing this skirt (probably not with this blouse though) and there will be a light breeze blowing on a prefect early October day.

      Back to the grind . . .

      1. A woman at my last firm actually did that as a side-job while keeping her partner position. Best of both worlds?

        1. My favorite job posting ever was for someone to go in house to WWE part time and also write story lines. Wrestling: it’s opera-level drama with (mainly) men. But for needing to relocate, I would have put in for it.

      2. I also have a friend who was an IP Lit counsel who switched to romance writing. She’s successful.

    5. Socks – Nike Studio Lightweight Footie.

      I’ve tried several brands and these are the gold standard. I can wear them with my Supergas for hours and hours of city walking and they don’t budge, bunch up, or show.

      I’m weird about socks and only buy black ones, and these are currently available in black only at Champs Sports dot com. They’re available in white and other colors at Amazon and a bunch of other retailers.

      Totally worth it.

  4. Ladies, I have become obsessed with a podcast. It’s called Missing Maura Murray. I’ve managed to hook my friends and family on it, too. When I get home from work, I put it on, instead of watching tv.

    Maura Murray was a UMass Amherst student who disappeared in 2004 after crashing her car. I’m trying to resist plugging in my headphones right now and listening to the next episode!

    1. Thanks! I’m working on a tedious project at the moment and need to download some podcasts.

    5. I actually knew Maura and was working with her at Umass at the time of her disappearance. I didn’t know they made a podcast – thanks!

        1. It’s possible I already spoke with one of them a while back. I did get quite a few calls because I was one of the supervisors who saw her frequently. I think I was even working the night that she left early. I’ll listen to the podcast episodes and leave comments on here with what I think.

          1. Awesome. And if it turns out you’re in the Boston area, I’d reconvene the Boston meetups just to get your take. Just kidding, sort of…

  5. I really need help with a difficult clothing search. I am in a relatively senior position at a conservative entity; I normally wear either business formal or business casual on the more formal end (jackets, heels, closer to a suit than khakis and t-shirt/cardigan). I’m fairly curvy, and I stick to fitted suits, pencil skirts, and sheath dresses most of the time – a more tailored, streamlined look However, I have a medical condition that flares up from time to time, and can make it painful to wear my usual fitted clothing-anything that constricts is out. I need something that I would consider almost like “work pajamas” — something soft/comfortable that I can reach for when my condition flares up, but still looks close to business formal – I don’t necessarily want to telegraph that I’m unwell with my clothes, and if I suddenly went soft/floating/more casual, I might. I’m at a loss. Perhaps something like a St. John suit would work, but that’s out of my price range. Dresses seem to work better than skirts and pants, although pants or skirts with a softer waist might work. Has anyone out there had to deal with something like this? Help?

      1. I vote for shifts. The reason I opt to not wear them is because they remind me of unfitted nightgowns, and they are very much “in” right now.

    4. I never wear jeans for this very reason – if I’m in the midst of a flare-up, the seams will make me cry. I have a few nice dresses from Hobbs that look quite smart but feel like pajamas.

      1. I was also going to suggest Karen Kane knit dresses. They seriously feel just like pajamas.

    6. What about a wrap dress? It would look smart with a blazer or long cardigan and seriously feels like work pajamas. I have the Adele dress from BCBG but the Gemma dress from Banana is also super comfy.

    7. Befriend wrap dresses. A wrap in a soft jersey or ponte, in black or lovely jewel tone, will look polished but be easy on your body

      1. OP here – thank you all for the responses. I’ve shifted mostly to Classiques Entier ponte dresses, but even they are a little stiff sometimes; are the Lands’ End ones softer/easier? I did try the Karen Kane brand when Cat recommended it in her Nordstrom sale round-up over the summer, but that particular brand doesn’t seem to work for me – my bust is the major issue in most clothes. But sometimes similar Eliza J ones do fit well. In most wrap dresses, too much shows up top, and a camisole ends up looking a little casual – jackets help though. I wish sweater jackets were as popular as a year or two ago…

        Sorry this is sort of abrupt in responding – dashing between things – but I really appreciate the advice and any other than people might send along! Will keep checking in.

        1. J Jill? I have Lands End Ponte dresses (summer ones) and they are great — comfy, cute — I dry clean mine to keep them looking sharper.

        2. I’ve seen some nice sweater dresses this year — Talbots has one, Ann Taylor does as well, and I think I saw an Eliza J one on Nordstroms. I have yet to find a ponte dress that works for me, but I’ve tried a couple of these sweater dresses and they look nice.

    8. Betabrand Work it pants are Ponte, super comfy and look great. One of my friends who works at a law school wears them all the time and gets tons of compliments on them. I’ll vouch that Boden’s wool stuff is super soft. I’m wearing a skirt and sweater form them today. I can’t imagine the ponte being uncomfortable.

      2. I also have a stress related condition that flares up and makes anything form fitting terribly uncomfortable so these Betabrand Dress Style Yoga dress pants look like they are worth investigating.

        https://www.betabrand.com/collections/dress-pant-yoga-pants-collection/womens-black-boot-flare-dress-pant-yoga-pants.html

        Do you have any idea how do they run? I am trying to decide on size. It looks to me that a medium is the equivalent of a 6/8 at J Cr*w or Banana. Any input on sizing?

    9. I have this exact problem. Clothing can be painful and leave me hurting after a long day.

      Silk and silky fabric is less irritating. So are lined pieces having a silky lining.

      I have been sticking to skirts that are one or two sizes too big with silk or silky tops. Most days, I wear dresses with lined blazers.

      Luckily, I lost 20 pounds and now all my clothes are loose on me. That helps alot.

      1. OP here – thank you all! Those Betabrand pants look amazing. I will definitely investigate. I also agree – silky materials are excellent, as are jersey. I am excited that Boden has some more knit coats. I may also try the LE Ponte dresses – I’ve been eyeing them for a while now.

  6. I commented last week about a car blocking my driveway. I ultimately had it towed when I really needed access to my car 2 days later. I haven’t seen the car owner since then but I’m worried about retaliation. It seems that he has a record of leaving his car parked on the street and just accumulates tickets during street cleaning. I’m worried that he will soon come to find his car missing and start harassing me or try to do something to my property/car. I have surveillance cameras but I still find myself a bit paranoid coming home so I’ve been leaving work slightly early to rush home. Am I overthinking this? Any words of advice/past experiences?

    1. I think you are overthinking this. Just because someone is a terrible and inconsiderate parker doesn’t mean that they’re also mentally unstable or prone to aggression. I’d double-check the security cameras to make sure that they’re working and recording. Call the police immediately if he does try to initiate a confrontation with you, but I don’t think it’s the most likely scenario.

      1. Veronica Mars is exactly the person who I would trust on this issue. :)

    2. There’s no way that he’d know you were the one who called, right? Couldn’t a cop just have easily driven by and seen a car parked in front of a driveway and had it towed? But, I think you’re over thinking it. You can’t play defense on something like this – and you’re not even certain that he’s been aggressive in the past (sounds like he’s more apathetic). You have a camera and I think that’s the best you can do. But, if anything did happen, call it in STAT and nip it in the bud.

      1. I live in Brooklyn, NY and here the cops don’t really patrol and issue parking tickets for blocked driveways unless there’s a complaint. I’m assuming the tow company could easily tell him that the homeowner called to have him towed. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I guess I’m just worried because I have had previous negative experience where the guy came with a bunch of friends and harassed my mom and I until we called the cops. Even then, I saw him lingering outside for weeks after.

        1. I totally get then why you would worry, and why you would wait. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Feeling unsafe in your home is horrible. I don’t have any advice, other than to do what you need to do to feel safe. Maybe there are resources on-line or in your community for tips on how to deal with aggressive neighbors?

    3. You are over worrying – how would he know that you had it towed as opposed to the town/city? Also, even if he’s the worlds biggest jerk, he would need to foresee that parking in front of someone’s driveway carries the risk of getting towed. I would try not to worry. He’s probably already found out his car was towed.

      1. I once had my car towed because I accidentally parked in front of someone’s driveway (which was buried under a 6ft snowdrift at the time, whoops). I always assumed it was the cops/parking police who had it towed, and never would have thought to blame the homeowner. Plus I was clearly in the wrong. Granted, I live in a city where towing is a common occurrence, but I never gave a second thought to it, fwiw.

    4. I can’t believe you waited 2 days to tow! I would have had it gone in 2 hours. There is no way he could be mad at you – don’t over think it.

      1. Same here. I think you let yourself be inconvenienced for too long, even with a past history of someone harassing you.

      2. I can’t blame the OP for being hesitant, actually. I’d want to have them towed right away, but there’s this weird idea going around that towing someone, or calling to have them towed, is mean and evil and bad. Towing companies, at least in Boston, are seen as evil money grubbers who tow innocent people just to rake in cash. People expect to be able to park in tow zones, or in other people’s parking spots, with little to no repercussions because “where else am I supposed to park??” I’ve heard people say that a person who calls to have someone towed is basically Satan, instead the “right thing to do” is find the person and ask them nicely to move their car. Not sure what you’re supposed to do if you refuse, though.

        Anyway, that’s why some people are hesitant to have people towed. It’s “not nice,” at least according to people who hate following the rules.

        1. I can see why people may be hesitant, but this guy blocked her driveway for two whole days. ‘The Gift of Fear’ may be a good read for those concerned with avoiding violent situations and the correct way to handle confrontation.

    5. If he has a record of doing this, he’s a known entity and clearly doesn’t care about his car either (he hasn’t noticed!?). Check your cameras, ask your neighbors to keep an eye out, and keep your local precinct’s number handy. If he hasn’t noticed his car is missing by now, then he’s probably too lazy to find out who towed it. And if he has outstanding tickets, you can be towed for that too.

      1. Yes, I would say if this is someone with multiple tickets who left his car parked in front of your driveway for two days, he is probably the kind of person who just plays parking roulette, and won’t be surprised at all that his car was towed. I know people that have done the math and figured out that getting towed every two months or so was cheaper than paying for a monthly rate at a garage. Crazy, and seems super inconvenient to me, but not my circus, not my monkeys.

  7. Does anyone have recommendations for books or resources if you’re going through a marital separation? Instigated by DH, not me; in very early stages and unclear what specifics will be; not necessarily a precursor to divorce; and oh, we have a kid.

    TIA. I can’t believe I’m even typing this.

    1. I don’t have any recs but just wanted to send some warm wishes your way. I am sorry you are going through this.

    2. I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing to go through. I don’t have recommendations, just sympathy.

    3. A lawyer. Your husband is walking out on your marriage. You need a lawyer stat. Yes, everyone says it’s just a separation. In reality, it’s a baby step to divorce in nearly every case. You don’t need to rush into filing first if you don’t want to, but you owe it to future you and to your child to start getting quality personal legal advice. And a therapist, because paying a lawyer to talk about your feelings gets expensive quickly.

      1. I already have a lawyer. And a therapist. I just need something to read — or a blog to post on — to get me through some dark hours.

        1. Ahhh ok. Since you asked for resources I thought those were the key ones! Sorry I don’t have anything to recommend to read.

        3. This one has been recommended here before and while it may not be directly applicable (since he’s the one asking for divorce), it may help you determine what’s best for you and your child and may help you deal with your husband’s should-I-stay-or-should-I-go decision making. “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” by Kirshenbaum. It’s on amazon and kindle but probably also available at your local library. Best of luck to you.

          1. This book is awesome. I used it when trying to decide whether to end a long term relationship with my live-in ex. It clarified so much about our relationship and helped me define what I wanted in a relationship.

        4. There was a poster here who had a blog about her separation. I think either her user name or her blog was called “Don’t Blame the Kids.” Good luck!

          1. speaking of divvies, has anyone heard from e_p lately? always wondered what happened to the poor girl and her ‘situation’

        5. Hey there, you could read, “The high road has less traffic” by Monique A. Honaman (although it mainly focuses on divorce sparked by infidelity, which probably isn’t your situation). It spends a lot of time focused on coping with that aspect of separation but provides good advice on taking the high road, putting your kids first and doing the right thing.

          There’s an author named Sam Margulies who has written some really good books on navigating divorce successfully (and positively). One is called “Getting Divorced without Ruining Your Life” and his other best seller is called, “A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce.” Even though it’s written toward a male audience, the advice is equally applicable to both parties.

          Adversarial lawyers will bankrupt both of you and make things worse for everyone if you’re not careful.

          I’d also add, beware of what’s known as ‘The Greek Chorus’ which are all the well-meaning people around you who encourage actions without any skin in the game and no real appreciation for the circumstances.

          If you think your marriage is bad, wait until you’re in divorce. Your marriage will look good by comparison. Act carefully, best wishes

      2. Co-signed. It’s sad, but please learn from my friend’s experience. Her divorce was instigated by her husband. She made a lot of concessions during negotiations because she didn’t really want to get divorced. You may not get divorced, but please plan for the worst case scenario here.

        1. And I’m very sorry this is happening to you. If it helps, my friend has recovered from her divorce and is now thriving. I truly think she’s happier now.

    4. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      Ask Moxie has some resources about divorce in general, and co-parenting:
      http://askmoxie.org/divorce/

      and I believe some of the writers at Alphamom also write about divorce and co-parenting.

      How old is your child? If school aged, you may want to talk to her guidance counselor at the school for some books/resources/recommendations, and to give them a heads up. If preschool aged, you may want to ask your own therapist for resources or a therapist for kids – it may be best for the kid to start seeing someone now regularly, just to have someone to talk to about their feelings, instead of waiting until it gets rough(er) for the kid.

    5. It’s schmaltzy but I read “Eat, Pray, Love” in the early stages of my separation and it helped a little (although I admit I was mostly hate-reading it and rolling my eyes). Honestly I didn’t find very much helpful material out there even though I wore my fingers out googling “how to survive a marital separation.”

      I would suggest reading some books on parenting after divorce. The most important thing is to keep the conflict away from the child. The research shows that it’s not the divorce per se that is bad for kids — it’s the conflict between the parents, whether they are in the same household or not.

      And I can’t agree more with those who say lawyer up (which you have — yay!) and be strong and don’t give away the farm. Protect yourself and your child. It’s gonna be awful for a while but you will get through this!

      1. Honestly, I was eye rolling through Eat, Pray, Love but I also found it to be the most beneficial thing to me and some of it (if I remember correctly, mostly early on in the book), was really extremely helpful.

    6. The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons. A friend recommended to me and I found it very helpful.

      1. Also For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly.

    7. I found the book Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford helpful in my similar situation (divorce initiated by then-husband). I’m sorry you are going through this, but I can tell you from the other side (divorce finalized in May 2015) that I’ve never been happier. Best of luck to you.

    8. Based on my experience, you should carefully assess whether separation and/or divorce is really the answer you’re looking for… you owe it to your marriage / kids /spouse to make sure things are what they seem. It’s best to make every effort to discuss and address problems before divorcing, it only gets harder once you file. If it’s your choice, my suggestion is to read “Contemplating Divorce” by Susan Gadoua, which helps guide you through what you are actually contemplating – best to go in eyes open and make sure you’ve really given your marriage a fair shot – talk to your husband, get help from counselors, spiritual advisers, family and friends who have good exposure to the issues you’re facing.

      My wife took precipitous action without any efforts to even identify her issues. She just bottled it up and exploded without warning. Most of her advice came from internet friends who only heard her side of the story and egged her on without any objective insights into what was actually going on (and colored by her singular perception)

      If your other half has already made this decision, you might be able to have a conversation about it before making any rash decisions – but you both should think carefully. Divorce is usually worse than the marriage, especially if not done thoughtfully. And can be very costly. It’s a slippery slope…

      Assuming you’re on the divorce path, the best book I can recommend is “Getting Divorced without Ruining Your Life” by Sam Margulies. “The Divorce Handbook” by James Friedman is very helpful, as well.

      The best I can say is to make sure you’ve really talked things out with outside help – counselor, therapist, priest, close and neutral family or friends… Many people begin to misinterpret things and see more and more through their own lens without ever really understanding how their partner views things, which may be quite honest misunderstanding.

      Good luck, divorce is not a fun road, especially if one side is surprised. If that happens, definitely talk to a lawyer

  8. Kate Spade Surprise Sale today! I saw the email when I woke up and decided to order once I arrived at work, and lo and behold, bag was sold out. Oh well. Found another that I think I will like just as well. Some cute huggie earrings on there as well!

  9. I am returning from Maternity leave and starting a new job as GC of a mid-size firm. None of my previous work clothes (seriously, none!) fit me anymore. My body has changed and I now have a huge bust (bfing) and am firmly an apple shape (and yay for still looking 6 mos pregnant). I am a size 14 now. I use to wear a uniform of pencil skirt + blouse + cardi but that no longer works for my new shape. Any recs for a new go-to uniform for my this plus-size apple?

      2. I’m plus and *love* Talbot’s pants, since they had curves just where I need them (and none where I don’t). I”m currently living in their Heritage fit black ankle pants, which can be dressy or dressed down. Their tops don’t always work for me (42F), but the shells do occasionally. I also like Eddie Bauer cardigans (I get them from the outlets).

        1. Oh, and Land’s End dresses. I have to size down usually, but the bust area normally has plenty of room.

    2. I just wanted to chime in and say that I was in the same boat, and even though my body shape will never be the same, I am able to fit into some of my old clothes now at one year out. (This was without major diet/exercise). I felt totally demoralized going back to work and having to buy suits two whole sizes bigger than pre-pregnancy, but my body just needed more time to get back to the new normal.

      1. +1. My shape returend to pre preg after about a year (i stopped BFing at ~9 months). However, I had “child bearing hips” prepreg and the rear to go with it, so take that FWIW.

    4. If you have curves in places you didn’t before, you may be better off trying a 14W or a 0X instead of a straight 14. The W sizes are usually cut for a more generous bust and or hips. Some brands that sell 14W: Lands End, many of the brands at Macys in the Women’s department, Lane Bryant, Torrid, Kioyanna.

      I hear you though, I had always been hourglassy, but after my second son it is like someone added an inner tube around my waist, and even when I lose weight it is still there. I had to re-learn what styles did and didn’t work for my new shape, and it’s still hit and miss sometimes.

  10. I think I am suffering from analysis paralysis.

    We are in our house for 3 months now. It needs updating/styling throughout. I am generally good at this stuff, but I think that because it’s my own I just can’t make decisions or commit. What webs!ites do you use for some style ideas? I find so many that are either DIY (not interested) or feature master bedrooms that are as large as my whole house. I need a good, down-to-earth, middle America blog that will help me with some design ideas! Pinterest is great, and I fall in love with looks, but then can’t find anything at all that comes close to what I see features in the pin.

    Suggestions??

    2. Have you looked at Apartment Therapy? It’s technically geared toward small urban living but many people find it frustrating because the places featured are still too big which may be just perfect for you. It’s not too much DIY either.

    3. Have you tried Houzz dot com?

      I guess I’m not really sure what you are looking to get out of a blog. It sounds like you just need to start doing. Maybe read the old posts on Young House Love where they talk about coming up with their plan – cohesive color scheme, how to unify trim or flooring throughout. Figure out what element you like about the things you see on Pintrest – the color, the use of a chandelier or lamp, the way the bed is placed, the play of texture in the bedding and color on the walls – and figure out how to make it yours – colors you (and your SO) like, pieces you already have or are willing to buy.

      You don’t have to come up with the whole plan at once – and I wouldn’t start with something big (like a master bedroom overhaul) as your first project. Find a low stakes corner of the house (spare bedroom), figure out what color to put on the walls, if you are going to paint the trim or replace the flooring and start there. You can go in stages and don’t have to finish a room all in one go.

    4. My suggestion is to get a professional stager to help you with an overall plan. I like using them b/c they are good at working with existing pieces, and suggesting better ways to place your furniture with new items mixed in. Also, it’s usually a flat fee, rather than being charged by the piece, as you would with a designer. We contacted the stagers who helped us sell our old house, and it was well worth the couple hundred bucks to help us settle into the new house.

    5. Or just go to some retail web sites and sign up for their catalogs. They will show their wares styled in nice rooms that you can copy. I don’t know what your price range is, but Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, Living Spaces, and of course Ikea send tons of catalogs with good ideas. Even Target has nice bedding and accessories.

    6. Take your time and don’t worry about having a perfectly decorated house immediately. I think the nicest (and coziest) homes I’ve been in have been slow to come together; a living room with tchotchkes and art from past travels, old family pieces, antique sale finds, and some purchased items is infinitely more interesting and beautiful to me than any set of furniture you could buy retail. This takes time.

      Start low-commitment with paint, throws, candles, and an inexpensive piece of art or photographs to put on your walls. See what you like and don’t like, move things around and recalibrate. Wallpaper a small room in a beautiful print that you can’t resist if you want something bold but are afraid. Pin pictures online or save catalog and magazine pictures, then look for common threads in them of what you like. Most décor choices aren’t very permanent, so don’t be afraid to pull the trigger. I think each room should have one high-impact item that you really LOVE, and you can build around that. I also enjoy perusing Houzz and Apartment Therapy, but don’t get bogged down by homes that look like they’re in a magazine shoot.

  11. I was last-minute invited to a black tie wedding. Whether we attend will depend on the cost, aside from a gift, since this wasn’t something we’d planned for and we clearly aren’t that close with the bride and groom.

    The couple has made clear that floor-length dresses are “strongly preferred.” I have only one long dress, which has a white bust but is back from the bust down (I’ll try to post a similar-looking dress link to follow). I’ve had terrible luck with RTR, so I’d prefer not to go that route.

    So, my first question is, would this type of dress be appropriate? This is my first black tie wedding, and I have a feeling the bridesmaids might be in floor length black dresses. If this dress isn’t appropriate, am I better off (a) ditching their long-dress edict and wearing a great cocktail dress that I already own, or (b) not attending the wedding altogether on account of having nothing that conforms to their chosen dress code?

    2. So, last minute like they just invited you when other people said no? That’s rude.

      I’d wear the long dress you have or your glitziest cocktail dress, if you want to go. Or just don’t go, because you aren’t close to them.

    3. Totally appropriate. No one will mistake you for the bride, and not wearing the same color as the bridesmaids is a general rule of thumb if you know they’ll be in a super-specific shade (periwinkle, teal, etc). There is no monopoly on black.

    4. Thanks for the reassurance! Exactly, 10:52 Anon–“obligatory invitees” said no, and so now we’ve “made the cut.” Still might not go because we’re not super close to them and it requires some travel, but it would’ve been a definite no if I had nothing appropriate to wear.

      1. I wouldn’t go. You weren’t their first choice invitees, you aren’t close to them, and it’s going to cost you money that you hadn’t set out in your budget (I am gathering anyway).

      2. This is incredibly rude and a gift grab. Just decline and don’t send a gift. But the dress is totally appropriate.

        1. Oh geez, not everything a bride does is a gift grab. Sometimes it’s a “hey, we would rather have invited you but we HAD to invite my mother’s 14 cousins and their families but they can’t come so we’d so much rather you be there!”

          1. Right not everything is a gift grab. But inviting people at the last minute because they weren’t important enough to make the first round sure is!
            You didn’t HAVE to invite other people, you made that choice for reasons. Suck it up.

          2. No one has to invite anyone- you couldve gotten a bigger venue or put your foot down. The only people that have b lists are 100% bridezilla/groomzilla people. Considerate people find a way to get the people they want there. Look, you can argue about whether you personally find it rude or not- but its like a cash bar. Im sure there are brides and grooms who think they have a good reason to do it, but its seen as rude, so you really shouldn’t do it. Why do something that most people are going to take the wrong way?

          3. +1 to TBK. But I also come from a family where the numbers come from inviting my parent’s 15 siblings and spouses, so the cousins/niblings often don’t get invited. I have no problem with last minute invites, if it’s someone I cared about and liked.

            If you feel strongly about the gift grab, don’t bring a gift. If they invited you at the last minute because they wanted you to celebrate with them, then you presence should be enough :)

          4. I don’t think b-lists are universally see as rude. though. But I’m also someone who doesn’t feel the need to read intent into the timing of an invitation. Feeling insulted about a last minute invite just seems needlessly hostile. If you can’t/don’t want to go, then don’t – you don’t have to fit it into your schedule.

            Just another example of how any wedding decision you make will be wrong to somebody.

          5. B lists are universally seen as rude by everyone who isn’t having one. They are. You know what decision isn’t going to be thought of as rude by anyone? Sending timely invites to all of your guests. Like proper hostesses have always done.

          6. Couldn’t agree more. Planning a wedding is incredibly difficult, especially with limited numbers and it is incredibly common to get invited this way. Be happy you’re on anyone’s any list at all.

          8. Planning a wedding can be very hard, what with a demanding job, a difficult family member, two people with strong opinions, illness… all sorts of things. Sorry you have no empathy.

      3. You weren’t originally invited, it will cost you time and money to be there, and you’re not close to them. Why are you even considering going?? I’m baffled. Send them a congratulations card, end of story.

    5. My bridesmaids wore long black dresses, and I did not expect any guests to avoid black. When my MOH got married, she had a black tie wedding, and the bridesmaids all wore long black dresses, as did many guests. Also, I interpret the “no white” rule pretty loosely, as in you don’t want to be mistaken for the bride. So, the dress you’re considering sounds completely appropriate.

      It’s a little rude to invite people at the last minute, but if you would have fun drinking and dancing and wishing the couple well (and maybe catching up with other friends), I say go in whatever clothes you already have. If attending the wedding stresses you out, give yourself permission to skip this one.

    6. I’m generally strongly anti-white-to-a-wedding, and I think the dress is fine (I also agree with others re: matching the bridesmaids). You might consider adding a wrap with some color (or a metallic?) if you want to be Very Very Safe on the white front.

    7. I agree the dress is more than fine! I think it’s really pretty and totally appropriate!

      I think it’s fine to invite people at the last minute and it’s also perfectly fine to decline. So go and have fun if you want, or stay home with a clear conscience.

      1. You’re wrong though. It’s not fine to invite people at the last minute. It’s rude selfish and hurtful.

        1. Not if they didn’t expect an invite in the first place. A sort of friend (outer friend circle in college) did this once and it was great! We were at a happy hour two days before the wedding and she said “the wedding’s Saturday — you should come!” Granted it was in town, but I already knew I wasn’t on the A List (which was fine) so I was flattered to be a B Lister and to go have fun with my friends and see what was a lovely ceremony.

          1. ok but some people aren’t flattered to be treated rudely. err on the side of not being a rude person, and invite the people that you want there in the first place. A last minute invite says “I didn’t want you there, but I’d rather you be there then lose out on money I guess.”

          2. You are operating from the viewpoint that everyone considers a last-minute invite rude.

            You are wrong. And I can say that because there are at least 2 people here who are saying the opposite viewpoint. It may be true for you and your group of friends, but stop trying to make it sound like its some universal truth. It’s just another indication that there is no perfect way to have a wedding.

            You may see it as an indication you are nothing more than a cash cow, but others can be empathetic to the fact that you can’t always find a bigger budget or a larger venue or need to respect the familial politics to at least make an invite, and still be delighted to attend a nice party.

          3. Nah two rude people on a website doesn’t mean it’s totally up for debate. Be a grown up and own your choices.

          4. Anonymous, you must have really terrible “friends” if a last minute invite from them means “I didn’t want you there, but I’d rather you be there then lose out on money I guess.” (or do you just go to really terrible weddings?) Really, if neither party is offended or thinks it’s rude, then it’s not rude, just because some other random people might think it is rude. For any of my friends and acquaintances, for all the weddings I have been to or not been to, if someone invited me, last minute or not, I would assume that they enjoyed my company and wanted to share their celebration, even if we weren’t particularly close and we didn’t get invited officially on the “A-list”. In fact, it seems terribly rude and ungracious to assume the worst of someone who is literally inviting you to a nice event, with no obligation for you to go. I mean, if you don’t want to go, just decline, it costs you nothing.

          5. Wheee I’m a third! Literally would not care if I got a last-minute invite to an outer-circle friend’s wedding! I likely would be flattered that they asked, look forward to being part of their celebration, and seeing other my friends who would be attending. If that was not my reaction upon receiving the invitation, I would not go! Because that is by far the simplest, easiest, and least needlessly hostile response.

            Like…do what you want and have the reaction that you want. That’s yours, you get to own it. I hope that if you ever get married, you never have to compromise on anything or face the reality of a budget or family size that does not 100% work with every one of the parameters of your wedding.

          6. Welp, then I’ll be rude (by your standards) I guess. I tend to be an etiquette pirate anyway – the rules are more like guidelines. I’d hate to think there are instances where I can’t use my own, well-earned judgment to decide what the best course of action would be, given the people and situation involved, and would have to abide by some overarching one-size fits all solution.

            Other things I’m probably rude about: I don’t bring a hostess gift every time I get invited somewhere (gift grab, amirite?), not making sure everyone is following the same etiquette rulebook (it would be rude to let someone else do something impolite, correct?), not shutting up when a man interrupts me.

          7. Um no not at all? You don’t have to bring a gift every time you’re invited anywhere. It’s rude to tell people they are rude. It’s not rude at all to stand your ground in a conversation.

            Congrats on your massive rule breaking spirit in which you hostilely do perfectly acceptable stuff I guess?

          8. I’m laughing at this part right now…

            “It’s rude to tell people they are rude.”

        3. See, my statement was “I THINK it’s fine.” Which can’t be wrong, by definition. I’m an expert on what I think, and I do, in fact, think that. So when I say “I think XYZ thing,” that is always right.

          And I think that because I just like to assume good intentions. Rather than assuming the late invite says “I didn’t want you there, but I’d rather you be there than lose out on money I guess,” I assume it says “I had a limited budget and a lot of mandatory relatives to invite so I couldn’t invite everybody I wanted right off the bat, but things are working out and now I can invite you — yay!”

          And again, it’s not a command performance. If you think so little of them that you think the invitation is just a grab for a gift, by all means decline.

          3. I actually like to think I’m about 16, developmentally speaking. ;)

            Anonymous at 1:22, you should see somebody for that anger problem.

          4. Oh come on. The whole “well it’s my opinion and opinions can’t be wrong” thing is something you give up in grade school.

          5. Snort – you mean, like your opinion on what’s rude? Because rudeness/politeness is not something conducive to objective fact, given that it has changed through-out history.

          6. I love how none of these people posting as “Anonymous” are willing to marry up their (hard, fast, unyielding) opinions with an actual user name.

      2. Very rude to invite people at the last minute- its clearly just a grab for gifts. People can’t get invited to every single thing, better to not invite at all then to say “hey need you as a seat filler/atm”

      3. I agree with you Senior Attorney that it should be fine! I remember we had a group of last minute cancellations from my inlaws’ friend list (death in the family) and I was thrilled to be able to text a few of my friends that they could bring significant others as well as a couple of very fringe college friends of mine who happened to be in town. They had no expectation of an invite and they didn’t bring gifts (nor did they need to – I think I told them that), but I knew they would enjoy spending the evening with our friends in common and I think they were very happy that they attended. We had serious space restrictions at the venue so I was happy to have a few more of my friends attending and made a point of telling all of them how much it meant to me that they could come.
        I do think its a little strange how some books recommend really having true A and B lists for invites, but every couple has to figure out what works for them and their event.

        1. Wait wait so you literally had a b list and you’re still judging other b lists?

          1. I didn’t have a B list – I had people that happened to be in town the same weekend that were hanging out with friends I had invited that I was happy to be able to extend a last-minute invitation to. I had a single list, invited everyone on it, and then had more space than expected.

            I’m not judging B lists, but I’m confused by the books that tell people to write out an A list and a B list and then send save the dates only to the A list. Then, once you’ve sent out formal invites, they suggest sending out B list invitations as you get A list rejections. Honestly that feels like a ton of extra work to me and it does feel strange to have to do. Plus I feel like RSVP cards come all in mass at the end of the time period, so I don’t even know how logistically you could make that work. But I could totally understand a couple being in a situation (like a super tiny venue and/or had an even more massive family taking up all the invitations) where they would have to deal with doing this and would have to sit down and divide up the list of everyone they wanted to invite.

            Either way, whether I got a text message last-minute invite, a B list invitation close to the wedding, or was not invited at all, I don’t find it rude or inappropriate.

          2. See, the books I read re: wedding etiquette never said that. They said you write out a guest list THEN figure out how you’ll feed and entertain these people within budget. The B list seems rude and hurtful because the couple prioritized the venue/pictures/food over including people.

            That said, the miss manners book really resonated with me. She firmly believes a modest wedding is as polite as a fancy one and I agree. But no one throws modest weddings anymore and I think the high costs are making everyone bend over backwards to excuse rude behavior.

        2. Not sure why I’m jumping in because clearly some of the commentors on both sides are trolls, but I carefully planned out my wedding, asked my MIL to give me a list of 20 people she’s like to invite, and got back a list of 90. She swore up and down that most of them would not accept.
          Now, I actually like my in laws A LOT and appreciate how open they’ve been to me (my husband and I come from different cultures that are not always so welcome to each other and we’ve been very lucky in this regard). I decided to pick my battles and invite the people on her list, see where the pieces fell, and then invite my own list after that (technically a B list).
          I didn’t at all see this as rude because I was prioritizing family and making sure there was space at the venue for each person– we had a very inexpensive wedding (although exact headcount didn’t super matter- we did bbq) and I very much wanted all my “B list people” there, more so than the “a list people.” There are even some people on the edge that I wish I would have just bit the bullet and invited.
          Sometimes, having a harmonious family is about making decisions that aren’t your fave, but that you can live with (seeing this even more now that we are expecting a child). It’s easy to be judgy when you aren’t in their shoes.
          I am also of the thinking, that any of the guests could have said no and I would have been totally ok with it. I also invited co-workers last minute (& have been invited by co-workers). I figured I’d either invite them as a bunch w/ dates, or not at all.
          For other people’s weddings- I obviously know who I am super close with (a group of about 10 people) and otherwise, I expect there was at least some discussion as to whether or not I should be included in a wedding, even if I ultimately was invited– this shouldn’t be super shocking & if it is, you probably need to reevaluate your friends.

          1. It’s rude to tell someone “other people were my priority not you but pls now come celebrate me.” And that is what you did.

          2. But she didn’t tell anyone that, she told them they were invited to her wedding. It’s kind of unkind to read something negative into someone else’s invitation. But then again, if a not-super-close friend did tell me straight-up, “my in-laws had priority in wedding guest-list-planning, but please come celebrate with me!” I would be glad that they wanted to celebrate with me. I mean, of course you are not always a priority for everyone else. And if they wanted me there but didn’t ask because they were afraid of being rude that would be so sad! I can’t imagine living my life looking to take offense at other people like that. It just seems so ungracious, and not very fun! I imagine a sort of pinched-but-sweetsy Dolores Umbridge type.

  12. Yesterday’s mortgage questions got me thinking – how comfortable do you all feel giving your SS # to lenders/brokers as you go through the whole pre approval process while shopping around for a lender? We’re in talks with a couple of people by phone and they’ve said to send our taxes and such for review, and I am wondering if I should black out the SS numbers before doing it or if it’s just generally assumed these people will securely dispose of this stuff at some point. What precautions should I be taking?

    1. You can’t block out the SSNs. They need them for the review. You can sound like a crazy lady or you can just get on with things.

    2. Right or wrong, I am of the mindset that if someone really wants my SSN, there is really not anything I can do other than live off the grid to stop them. You have to provide your SSN for your loan/mortgage. If you really wanted to you could ask them to call you and you could provide it over the phone, but all that does is cause them to write it down on something/input it into their system, which is just as vulnerable as it would have been if you had sent it on email. Send it over, monitor your credit report, credit cards, bank account, etc., so you can catch any ID theft as soon as it pops up. I am always amazed at how lax some people are about monitoring their accounts. I am on at least once a day if not more and would immediately see something suspicious!

    3. I interviewed people about their rates, did a little research about each lendor, and only submitted my SSN to one for preapproval. It is a necessary part of the preapproval process, but I also wouldn’t just go giving it out willy-nilly. You can shop for rates without getting pre-approved by more than one lender.

      1. This is what I mean – thanks. I know I have to give my social for the actual credit check but not everyone I am speaking with is going to be doing my preapproval and I don’t know why I have to give my taxes with SS no. just to get a quote estimate/general info.

        1. I did several preapprovals and never had to give more than SSN over the phone for the credit check. It’s been 2 years so perhaps I’m just out of date, but it did raise a red flag that they’re asking for tax returns just for the preapproval. I’d be hesitant to provide it at that stage too.

    4. I work for a mortgage company. We’re fanatical about NPI (non-public information), borrower data, and information security. We conduct a ton of training on specifically that topic. While it’s never fool-proof, your mortgage company more than likely has policies and procedures to keep your information safe.

  13. For those who get a kick out of the mock blog Ladypockets dot com, new content on the Lady dollar is hilarious…

    1. oh wow, I am laughing so hard at my desk my boss must think I am going crazy.

      I love that blog, I wish she posted more often – although I guess occasional posts that are hilarious is better than a lot of mediocre ones.

  14. What are some fashion blogs that you all read? I’m in a bit of a rut clothing-wise. I’m on a loose shopping ban right now (I’ll buy something if it’s absolutely necessary but I’m generally trying to cut down on shopping otherwise), so I’m looking for interesting/new ways to pair what I already have in my closet. I’m in a business casual office so looks for work would be great, but also fun ideas for the weekend. TIA :)

    1. I love ExtraPetite. I’m not petite at all (I’m 5’10”), but love her style and a lot of the items she posts work for taller women. She has a good mix of a few designer splurges (especially purses and shoes) mixed with a lot of Ann Taylor, TopShop, etc., so it’s pretty affordable for the most part. She also does a nice mix of workwear and weekend wear.

      1. Also, unlike many bloggers, her workwear is actually work appropriate (with the exception of lace skirts, which she posts a lot and I don’t think are appropriate in many offices).

        1. Jean does not work in a conventional corporate environment anymore – she is now at that M Gemi shoe start-up, so her older posts may actually be more helpful than her recent posts.

    2. Blue Collar Red Lipstick
      Outfit Posts
      Capitol Hill Style
      Wardrobe Oxygen
      You Look Fab (there are some feature posts about other blogs)
      Putting Me Together
      Extra Petite
      Alterations Needed
      26 and Counting

    3. The Directrice – I don’t wear the kinds of clothes she wears (designer/quirky) or work in the kind of environment she does (partner in a D.C. firm), but I love seeing someone work such a distinctive sense of style into a work wardrobe.

      1. Good grief! How did I not know about this blog before? She had me at “Why We Should Dress Up for Jury Duty!”

    1. Roughly as pictured- sky high heels, cute bag.

      For work I’d leave it in the closet.

    3. I love this Kaylee dress, but as the OP say’s it is not for work, and I would add it is NOT for everyone. It is VERY tight in the tuchus, so I could not wear it, and I would NOT want to at work b/c Frank would be grabbey. I much perfer a looser fit so that my tuchus is NOT so visibel as it would be with this dress. Mabye Kat could suggest someting more work apropriate for us, as this one onley works if you are svelte with longer leg’s, not shorter with wide legs and an oversized tuchus, like me. FOOEY! I wish I were more like a model. Rosa can wear this, but NOT me.

      The manageing partner told me I locked in the new cleint the other day. I am glad b/c that means I get to do 80% of the billeing’s with that cleint, and that could mean over 750 hours per year alone. YAY!!!!!

      I am filling up on food tonite at Grandma Trudy’s. She does not care that I have a tuchus b/c my tuchus looks just like hers! I can’t wait to get to the Brisket and the Matza Ball Soup! DOUBEL YAY!!!!

  16. do any of you work at firms in DC that are closing tomorrow? My firm is currently open, but every single attorney will be working from home. I want to push for closure to give our staff a break, but need ammunition.

    TIA

    1. Working from home tomorrow and Thursday. I think it would be tough to close a firm, though, if clients and courts expect you to be open. It’s not like it’s a holiday everyone can understand, or like a snowstorm where people literally can’t make it to work.

      2. It’s also yom kippur, which is probably making it doubly a ghost town. :)
        I would close if you can, people can pick up tasks remotely if something does come up.

      2. Washington Post said the traffic will be the equivalent of an inauguration day. have you ever tried to come into DC on inauguration day? it is horrible.

        1. Yeah I have. I’ve lived here for 10 years. I get that traffic is bad so people can telework. But closing offices is way over kill. Adjust your schedule, telework, and get on with your day.

          1. I’ve only been here for eight, but I think it is a poor standard to keep an office open just for staff to brave the traffic while all the attorneys work from home.
            i’m guessing that’s just me, though.

    4. Your staff appreciates your sentiments. Our office managers sent one note to make sure that we all understood we needed to come in, and then sent another note about how she would be working from home. Grrrr.

      1. that’s the thing. Every. Single. Attorney. and manager will be at home. It’s just our staff (most of which commute farther) that have to brave the traffic. I think it’s ridiculous.

        1. Can’t they telework? I misread your first post and was thinking everyone was going to telework. This does seem thoughtless.

    5. I think it would be fine if everyone had to come in, but if all attorneys are working from home, give the staff a free pass. The Pope WILL make things insane for everyone in Philly, NYC, and DC. Roads are closed, public transportation can be a mess, commuting time will probably double. It’s really not fair to make staff come in and allow attorneys to work from home.

    6. Firm in NYC, closed on Thursday for the Pope. We’re at Rockefeller, too, which, since the Pope is headed to St. Peter’s, will be a sh*tshow. So glad we’re closing.

  17. I’m going to a wedding at the end of October and I will be 7.5 mos. pregnant at that point. Invite does not specify a dress code, but men will be in suits so I assume knee length c*cktail dresses for ladies. I’d like to avoid buying a new dress to wear just once. I have a plain black jersey dress that I wear to work that I could probably dress up to look “good enough” or I can wear this dress that is my one “fun” maternity purchase. I’d hate to look boring, but I’m torn as to whether this dress is a) dressy enough for a wedding and b) just plain old too much. Would appreciate some hive advice/perspective. I know that I get a “pass” for being pregnant but I also just want to feel good in what I am wearing.
    http://www.asos.com/ASOS-Maternity/ASOS-Maternity-Boho-Midi-Skater-Dress/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=4432163

    1. I would wear the black with a statement necklace or some big earrings. Maybe a bright pair of heels. The Asos dress is fun, and it would probably be fine, but I think you’re right to question whether it’s dressy enough for a wedding (though if you do decide to wear it, I doubt anyone else would think you are underdressed). Either would work, but I personally would wear the black. I have a wedding this weekend and am 8 months, so I understand this quandry! Good luck!

    2. This dress isn’t appropriate for an evening wedding, pregnant or not. If you don’t have any friends you can borrow a maternity cocktail dress from and you really can’t afford a new one, wear the black. But it sounds I appropriately casual too.

      1. Is it a question of “really can’t afford a new one”??? That sounds insulting. I made a point not to buy any “extra” maternity clothes at all because, you know, you can’t wear them after you deliver so why waste the $$?? Especially at 7.5 months pregnant! I’d wear what I had and put the “dress $$” to my kid’s 529 plan.

        1. ? How is it insulting? If you really can’t afford to buy a new dress, obviously you don’t. If you can afford a new dress, buy one because what you have isn’t appropriate. It’s not a waste of money to purchase clothing suitable to wear to events you’ve decided to attend, pregnant or not.

          1. Last I checked, attendance at weddings is to celebrate the marriage of someone you are close to. It’s not a fashion competition. You seem to think that a black jersey dress is not (for a pregnant woman) “suitable to wear to events you’ve decide to attend”. I disagree, but I guess YMMV??

          2. I don’t think a black jersey day dress you wear to work is suitable for an evening occasion to which everyone else will wear a cocktail dress.

          3. It’s not a matter of “affording” – I just think it’s a waste of money to buy a dress that I will wear exactly one time, not to mention a waste of my time b/c maternity clothes are not fun to shop for ime. Also, the invite does not say “c*cktail attire” – I am assuming it will be knee length dresses because most men will be in suits. I doubt anyone is going to be in full on sparkle mode. My past experience with weddings like this though is that some people are overdressed and some are under and you’re not going to stick out either way. Wedding is in Philadelphia – so not quite West Coast casual but not NYC either.

            I appreciate the honest feedback though.

            This is the black jersey dress: http://www.asos.com/ASOS-Maternity/ASOS-Maternity-Tea-Dress-In-Jersey/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5074958&cid=6413&Rf900=1465&Rf-200=4&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Black&totalstyles=84&gridsize=3

            I have a lot of dressy accessories I can add- pretty sash belts, big jewelry, fancy shoes, etc.
            I’m also short so it’s longer on me than on the model.

          5. Wear the black dress with sparkly accessories – that would look much more formal than the orange boho dress.

        2. As a super prego who has gone to a bunch of wedding in the same target, ponte, knee length black dress all season– no one will judge you. Even if such things did matter, you are pregnant, and you get a pass– people will just give you apologetic looks and ask you if you are doing ok, and cheer you on for almost being there.
          Sometimes, just getting out of bed is an accomplishment when you are pregnant.

      2. I have a really hard time understanding how a black jersey dress is inappropriate for a wedding where no dress code is specified. Frankly, even if it were black tie optional, imho OP would be fine. She’s a secondary guest. She’s not going to be in any pictures. No one will care how she’s dressed. Wear something that won’t stick out as obviously inappropriate and call it a day.

        2. Given the circumstances, I agree with Bee. Another hater post from “Anonymous”. What’s with all the action today? Don’t have anyone better than pregnant women (and Senior Attorney, lol) to pick on?

    3. You don’t say where the wedding is. My DD is now five months so I understand where you’re coming from. That ASOS dress would be totally, totally fine at any of the west coast weddings I’ve been to in the past couple years, pregnant or not. I’m thinking specifically of dinner weddings at golf courses, city night weddings in hotels, and one that was at a winery. Especially if you get your hair done to add some glam.

        1. Yeah, I’m in So Cal and I think the ASOS dress would be great for an evening wedding.

      2. I miss the edit button. I’d wear the black though, because I felt HUGE at that point and did not want to be brightly colored as well as huge. A black dress and renting some ridiculous jewelry is never the wrong way to go.

    4. Dress up the accessories! Maybe metallic clutch and shoes and a fancy wrap? Also, if you get your hair done it will add to the look (although obviously the price too). I love this dress!

    5. I think it’s cute and you should wear whatever you feel good in. But also if you just don’t want to buy something new, you could try minefornine.com (kind of like RTR for maternity clothes).

      1. Thanks all. I do value the honesty. I thought of the red dress because the chiffon fabric seems more evening appropriate to me, but maybe simpler is best. If I’m not going to be perfectly dressed, probably better not to draw too much attention to myself.

    6. I’d wear the black one, dressed up with some fun blingy accessories – the orange one is very cute but also very memorable, and if there will be lots of pictures taken at the event then it might limit your ability to wear it again. I think you’ll feel particularly great in the black dress if you splurge on a fun accessory like jewelry or really great clutch to go with it – pregnancy is not a good time to splurge on new heels because your feet may not be the same size afterwords as they are during.

    7. I’d get an amazing wrap to go around your shoulders. It will up the glam level by roughly 3000% and you can wear it for years.

    8. My sister in law was pregnant for a recent wedding we attended. It was formal cocktail, and she wore a navy jersey maxi with a statement necklace and looked great! A black jersey dress could definitely work if you dress it up with some accessories.

      1. I went to a wedding at a castle and the lady pregnant with twins wore a jersey black dress and black flipflops. I recently went to a wedding where the friend who was 8mos pregnant wore a jersey maxi and it was black tie optional.

        Unlike that attendee who shows up dressed up as a hooker, if you’re pregnant, friends truly won’t care what you wear, they’ll just be happy you showed up!

        I think my favorite wedding attendee outfit was the lady who wore a ox-blood colored evening gown with matching fuzzy bedroom slippers (the soft plushy kind). I figured she had a foot issue.

    9. I assume this is a US thing, but I am perplexed that you all think black is fine for a wedding. I’m glad I now know that if I go to any American nuptials, but I feel I should warn you: do not wear black to a wedding in Europe (or most other places, as far as I know). People will either think you’re staging a demonstration against the institution of marriage, or direct you to the nearest funeral venue.

      1. It’s not just a US thing. I’m a New Yorker, no one would ever suggest I’m traditional, but I wouldn’t dream of wearing black to weddings. I don’t think it’s appropriate unless you 100% know the bride approves.

        1. I tend to agree with this although I realize this is the minority view.

          BTW and on topic: Years ago Miss Manners answered a question that went something like “I’m nine months pregnant and invited to a wedding, and my only maternity dress is black. Do I have to buy another dress for the wedding?” And Miss Manners said “While it is incorrect to wear black to a wedding, it is completely insane to spend good money on a maternity party dress you will only wear once, so wear the black.”

      2. It’s a regional/time of day thing. Typically no one in the South wears black to weddings (though I’ve seen it more in recent years than I used to, at least at evening weddings), Northeast I feel like it’s not at all unusual for evening weddings.

  18. You know when you make a mistake — a big one — and you get yelled at by the normally calm partner? Does anyone have advice on recovering from something like that, or shaking that knot in your stomach and the voice in your head using “you’re a screw up! Career is over!”

    1. Just keep moving forward. Whatever happened is done, you’ve been yelled at, the worst is basically over. Do whatever you can do to correct/manage the fallout from the mistake, do whatever you need to do to ensure it doesn’t happen again, and let time run its course. In a month, this will be a passing cringe-worthy memory, and in a year or two it’ll be the story you tell the new junior associates to help them feel better when they have their own big mistake to feel bad about.

    2. Tonight – alcohol and your favorite comfort food and a good night sleep.

      Then get up tomorrow, and BE AWESOME because you are.

    3. Perfect opportunity to show that you can own up to your mistakes, apologize, and learn from it. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Enjoy a bottle of wine tonight.

    4. Have a glass of wine, vent to all of your friends and family, make a personal plan to not make that mistake again, and start tomorrow fresh. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, its how we learn.

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