Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Fine Gauge Supima Cardigan

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Lands End Supima Leopard CardiganIt seems like the twinset has been a dying species for a few years now — so I was intrigued to see Lands’ End carrying numerous colors of fun, printed cardigans with matching short-sleeved shells. (Not all of the cardigans have their match, alas.) I like this fun “Caspian Blue Leopard” print a lot in general — the mint, dark green, lavender combo is lovely, and I think it’s a fun take on a classic. The cardigans were $79, but are now marked to $59; take an extra 25% off your order with code FLOWER20 and Pin 1490. Lands’ End Fine Gauge Supima Cardigan

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  1. Fitting Land's End-related TJ :

    How is the sizing on the Land’s End ponte sheath dress that everyone always raves about? My experience with Land’s End has been that I need to size way down, but the website recommends sizing up if in between two sizes. I’m 5’4″ and usually wear an 8 in bottoms and a small or medium in tops. Thank you!

    • Baconpancakes :

      Definitely size down, unless you want it very loose. I’m a 14 in J.Crew dresses, and a “M” (10/12) in the LE dresses.

      • This dress can be va-va-voom! :

        I would say TTS. But I’m interested to know whether any other shorties (I’m 5’3″) have had better luck with petite or regular? I own the dress in petite but feel slightly self-conscious about the length when wearing without tights.

        • Petites fit me well, but I’m only 5’0″. I do have that issue with some other brands/styles, those made to hit mid-thigh. For professional dress, I want skirts and dresses only slightly above the knee.

    • Miss Behaved :

      Actually, I own that dress in 6 colors and I think it’s TTS. Currently, I’m waiting for a better sale to buy the new print.

      • Miss Behaved :

        And, FWIW, I’m an 8, too.

      • Really? I find Land’s End is usually way too generous with the sizing. I wear a much smaller size there than with any other brand. Even J.Crew, and I think J.Crew’s vanity sizing has gotten out of control. I was going to buy this dress, now not sure what size I need!

        • Miss Behaved :

          They’re sizing is hit or miss. Sometimes it’s big like with cardigans. Sometimes it’s small like with some swimwear. Sometimes it’s TTS. That’s why you need to read the reviews.

          • Swimwear is almost always smaller than clothes across most brands.
            It’s the one area where vanity sizing hasn’t hit. I wear a 4-6 in most brands, 2 in some (!), and 8 in higher end brands like DVF, and all my swim suits are a 10.

      • I’d agree with the dress being TTS.

      • Does it pill? I am intrigued by the super positive reviews but I don’t like how ponte tends to pill after a few wears. What’s your experience?

        • I’m not sure if this is the dress everyone is raving about but I have a ponte Land’s End sheath dress (from a couple years ago) and it has pilled like crazy.

          • I'm Just Me :

            I’ll throw in that their ponte really varies from item to item. I own the sheath dress in 2 different colors and the fabric is like night and day between the two.

    • Fitting Land's End-related TJ :

      I just realized that it looks like most of the reviews on the Land’s End website are from older women – I’m in my 20s so I hope it looks age-appropriate on me. Thanks for the feedback so far!

      • This dress can be va-va-voom! :

        Since you asked about age-appropriate, this is hands down my BF’s favorite of all my work dresses. Sometimes he requests it for date night :)

    • OttLobbyist :

      Does anyone know how the armholes are on the sheath dress? I am a bit busty (DD or DDD) and have been having a problem with sheath dress armholes being either to low or too far forward, even when I size up to accommodate the bust and get it tailored.

      • This dress can be va-va-voom! :

        Also busty, and this is one of the few dresses that I feel comfortable wearing without a cardigan or blazer because the armholes are perfectly sized.

        • Charmed Girl :

          I think you might be me! Agree, this dress is TTS. I’m 5’2″ and get it in the regular length b/c I thought the petite was a bit short for my office.

    • I think the issue with Land’s End sizes is not that they aren’t consistent, at least with the measurements on the website, it’s that the brand is just not as body conscious as other brands. Land’s End assumes that their typical customer wants her sheath dress to skim the body, not mold to every curve. That means that if you are looking for curve-molding from this brand, you’ll have to size down.

      • Lefty lawyer :

        It’s not just that they are not body conscious, but the dresses seem to be sized for a very different figure than mine. I find them to be very large in the waist but narrow in the shoulders. In addition, I need a petite, but their petites are extremely short- waisted. As nice as the pictures look, I’ve given up on Lands End.

      • Meg Murry :

        Or go for the size that fits your smallest measurement (bust, waist or hips) for a more slim fit – not your largest. I was amused when flipping through the latest catalogue LE sent me that they titled it “The Sheath”. I wonder if they read the discussion on this site which was debating whether this or the Maggie Chin wrap deserved the title of “The Dress” ?

    • I’m a 10/12 on the bottom and a small/medium on top most places, and I’m a 6 in Land’s End dresses.

  2. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s!!! I LOVE fruegel Friday’s and Land’s End! Great choice, Kat!!!!!

    Rosa got me a great Land’s End sweater last year, and I wash it regularley, and it has NOT shrunken or pille’d up either! I recomend it highly!!!

    I am takeing off early today b/c to go home for my Birthday celabration dad and mom are hosteing for me! Rosa and the kid’s are coming down this weekend from Chapaqua, but Ed has to work. He has some sort of big closeing comeing up that he has to work on. Rosa say’s I know more about it then she does, but he does financeial stuff, and I am a WC lawyer, so I am not sure why she think’s that. FOOEY!

    Myrna is driveing us out to LI so that will make it alot easier for me to carry all of my stuff back here on Sunday. Myrna says she gets 50% of the pie’s mom bake’s but I have NOT agreed to that. Dad may make her take more if he is unhappy with my tuchus, he said when I told him the cost of my ride. Dad also said that if my tuchus was to big, he would make me walk around the park 5 time’s tomorow. I said it is goieng to rain and he said then an hour on his ellyptical machine. That is OK b/c he has a 55 inch TV to watch on the ellyptical, and I can watch NETFLIX!!! YAY!!!!

    It is finally getting alot warmer today when I came in I was not frozen. That is a good thing. I hope Spring is finalley here, as should the rest of the hive! The manageing partner keeps telling us about Margie and the baby. I want a baby also. Dad say’s one of his freind’s is goeing to be over this weekend with his son. I hope he is eligibel, and not a drunken alchoholic. FOOEY on that. I want a PRINCE, and if not Prince Harry, then some other Prince! YAY!!!!

  3. Thanks for this post. I can’t wear Lands’ End sweaters because of their overly roomy fit (on me), but this post alerted me to the promotion and I got a 25% refund on an order I placed on Sunday, plus I went and ordered more items for the kids at 25% off.

    Also, if I were choosing one of their cardigans it wouldn’t be the green leopard. I love the Vicuna Heather/Guava Pink Dot though.

    • I can’t wait to get more of their classic cardigans. I only have blue and grey, and I desperately need some different colors! Not in love with most of the patterns, though.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I feel like those printed twin sets look cute on the very young models, but on fiftysomething me, they would look like I didn’t get the memo about twin sets being a dying species.

    • I love the print of this cardigan but would not wear it as a sweater set. This cardigan would look great with many of my skirts and I think it would actually be quite versatile.

      • Agree with this! I would not wear the pieces together. Also, I’m skeptical of this mint-colored leopard print.

    • I am kind of partial to the zebra.

  4. For baconpancakes – I saw this article this morning and thought of you – interesting recipe for fava bean and mushroom tacos!

    • Baconpancakes :

      Thanks, NOLA! I think I’m declaring this TACO SUMMER 2014!

      • Senior Attorney :

        My very very very favorite breakfast is bacon tacos: Bacon and avocado in a corn tortilla. Egg optional. BAM!!

  5. Any opinions on whether a Costco membership is worth it for just a family of two (me and husband)? I’ve been leaning toward doing it for things like toilet paper, paper towels, and the food items that we tend to eat a lot of, but I’m not sure whether it is actually worth it when considering the cost of membership and the potential for getting sucked into buying industrial sized jars of peanut butter and other things we don’t need. My parents have a membership and seem to love it. Would appreciate any thoughts! Thanks.

    • Costco is not just peanut butter. Electronics, home office supplies, toiletries, kitchenware – things you might need anyway and buy elsewhere. Books, socks, the list goes on. Their produce is also good and some of it comes in smaller quantities. When I first joined Costco I tended to buy things I didn’t really need, but now I go in with a list and stick to it.

    • We use our membership for a lot of house stuff- furniture, holiday decor, tires, contacts, etc.

      • Amelia Bedelia :

        tires! yes! and free rotation for life.
        and if you live near a store with a gas station, the cost savings are enormous.

    • Absolutely worth it. There’s so much more there than you realize. We buy our deodorant/razors/toothpaste/toothbrush heads (the Oral B rotating kind) and all that there, as well. We actually use the Costco Amex card, which includes a membership, and you get cash back to use at Costco on every purchase you make on the card (with double for purchases at restaurants and gas stations). We get a nice check to use at Costco every February and go stock up on tons of wine with it.

      • Lady Tetra :

        I have the Costco Amex too, and I just found out a secret: if you take the reward check in and don’t use it all up in one go, they give you the change in cash! So it turns into straight-up cash back.

      • Another 2 person household :


        If you don’t already have a rewards card, or are opposed to getting a card with an annual fee, the Costco Amex is an awesome option. We pay $55 a year for our Costco membership, and get about $500 a year in credit card rewards (we eat out a lot [2% back] and put some big expenses, like husband’s college tuition, on the card for the reward points).

        On top of that, we save about $800 a year by buying our pet food at Costco as opposed to Petco (we have two cats and two huge dogs and like to get the higher quality food). We also get gas at Costco, but we don’t drive much so that’s only an annual savings of about $20.

        The rest of the savings (husband’s razors, milk) are probably offset by the things we get but wouldn’t buy otherwise (huge quantities of berries, chocolate macadamia nut clusters, etc.) Overall, though, for us the membership is absolutely worth it.

    • Can your parents add you on to their membership? An additional member is typically cheaper.

    • Another family of two here.

      I am the second member on my mom’s membership card, so my SO and I have it for free, essentially. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t pay to have it. For us, it wouldn’t be worth it. I’d say I go 3-4 times a year, and buy razors (the kind we like are cheapest there), or things like a 48 pack of water bottles if we have a specific reason for one. I don’t buy food because I prefer to buy local and organic meats at my Farmers Market, Whole Foods, TJs, etc. I don’t buy produce for the same reasons. I’ve found that household goods are cheaper if I wait for Target or Publix to have a sale.

      They did, however, have the fluffiest, softest fleece blankets this winter for $20 each, so you will find the occasional gem.

      I know other people who love it, however. They mostly buy a lot of food there. I also fully recognize that I’m sort of snobby when it comes to my food, and I’m okay with that. I will eat at any restaurant w/o worrying about where the food is coming from, because my feeling is that eating GMOs or non organics on occasion is not going to be what kills me, but if i’m bringing it into my house, I want it to be the best quality. This is totally a luxury, and I’m fortunate to be able to do this.

      • +1

      • Costco does have a good deal of organic and non-gmo verified items (meats, poultry, cereals, grains, etc). Not so many produce options, but it’s there you just have to look.

        • Yes, they definitely do have some organic meats (and some produce), but I like the ones I get from my farmers market and whole foods better (better flavor, and the prices are fairly similar). Definitely just a personal preference.

      • Funny, we signed up for Costco because of their organic meats/produce. Yeah, I don’t personally know the person who killed my burger, but it’s still organic beef for much cheaper than at the grocery store.

      • My Costco has local products (produce, cheese, and some meats).

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      Believe it or not, we use it for travel – Costco Travel has really good hotel/airfare deals on a fair number of popular destinations, and excellent deals on car rentals too. They also have an in-house optometrist, so we get awesome deals on glasses.

      • You do not have to be a member to use the vision department, either getting glasses/contacts there or seeing the doctor.

        I have heard Costco Travel is amazing! My friend booked her honeymoon through Costco, and it included transportation from airport to hotel, etc. They were waiting for her and her husband with a sign at the airport! How cool.

        We have household of two, and love our Costco card, although if you could just tag along with your parents, that would probably be ok too.

        As to whether you’ll buy a bunch of extra stuff – this depends on how much self-control you have. :)

        I do a TON of our Christmas shopping at Costco. They also have giftcards to nice local restaurants that you can get for less, i.e., $50 in giftcards for $40.

    • Amelia Pond :

      I live alone and I love Costco! Admittedly I am the secondary cardmember from my mom so I don’t pay, but I think I would buy a membership anyway. As far as food shopping goes I tend to buy meat that I can wrap in individual portion sizes and then freeze it. I also buy the chips/pretzal crisps etc. that are a large size but cost about as much as a much smaller bag at the grocery store. I also shop for silly things like batteries, socks, towels, fruit [they have great prices on strawberries and raspberries] etc. Bottom line–I love costco and they tend to have good prices and you just have to know what you use a lot so you don’t buy what you don’t need.

      • Frugal doc.. :


        I also live alone and love Costco.

        It is worth it for the savings on gas alone. The printer ink refill service is also a huge saver. And if you have the room in your home to keep the extra toilet paper, paper towels, tissues etc.. it is worth it for those things too.

        My parents get most of their vitamins/OTC meds there, and the pharmacy is also great.

        Yes, it is best to go in with a list and stick to it, or else you can easily go out of control…. Basically I go through their sale catalogue every month, and have that guide my purchases (get the paper towels when they are on sale etc…). I also buy my face lotions there – Olay Regenerist serum – when it is on sale. Huge savings.

        And I do buy staples that I eat frequently/keep well, that are cheaper than my regular store – milk, eggs, mushrooms, oranges, apples, tomato sauce, canned tomatoes, chicken broth, nuts, ramen (!), olive oil. Also they have great T-shirts!

        What a deal.

        • Surprised no one else has mentioned gas! That’s the one thing I miss about being the +1 on my dad’s membership. Costco gas was always the cheapest for miles.

          • We just got Costco and they do have gas, but it’s in a really inconvenient place for me (not far from me but weird to get to). I’ve kept my Sam’s membership even though I generally hate Sam’s because the gas is convenient and cheap.

        • Amelia Bedelia :

          the olive oil is actually really really good.
          and the wine is fabulous.

      • Adding to this – check the timings on your closest store!
        Mine closes at 6pm on weekends, and maybe 8pm weekdays, and very crowded at all times with long lines. I don’t manage to go there very often as a result, and so don’t save as much as I could.

    • One thing to keep in mind is that to make it worth it, you’ll need to actually deal with going to Costco. Personally, I loathe shopping in giant warehouse stores so no matter how good the deal was, I can imagine getting any value out of a membership as I’d never go.

      • This. They always seem to be about an hour from me, so hard to make a round trip during the week. And on the weekend, not a pleasant experience. I let mine lapse and found that if I shopped the sales at my neighborhood grocery store and target (5 minutes, can easily sneak over during the week), I felt that I got enough of a bargain without losing half of a precious weekend day.

        The only possible exception to this is if you’re in DC/Arlington and entertain a lot (possibly redundant). In that case, by all means join b/c the Pentagon City Costco is well stocked for beer-wine-frozen party things you throw in the oven (tacquitos). Also, it was about the only time a bag of a dozen limes has made sense.

        • There’s also one in DC now that sells alcohol. We are a family of two (plus a couple furries) and I go every other week to buy staples like milk and eggs and fruit and veggies for my morning smoothies. I also love their indiviually frozen fish filets and frozen raviolli and the single serve portions of hummus and greek yogurt guacamole. I thought the options would be more limited but they carry organic meats and veggies and have at least 6 varieties of yogurt.

      • +1 to this. I’m Anon at 9:55am, and for the 3-4 times I year I go, it will always be on a mid-week evening after 7pm. The place is pretty empty. Anything mid-day, or weekend (shudder) will be chaos.

    • Kontraktor :

      We are only a family of two and get high use out of costco. Some items we regularly buy are so much cheaper than at regular supermarkets. Fage greek yogurt is an example; you can get a giant carton (like maybe 36+ oz?) for half the price of like 20 oz at the supermarket. Frozen fruit for our smoothies is MUCh cheaper as well, as is bulk organic produce for juicing (I think we got 10lbs of organic carrots for like $4, and juicing takes a lot). Their meets are really nice (we buy smoked salmon, gets us 2 dinners, and short ribs, also two dinners) there all the time. Wine and beer prices are excellent, as are prices on incidental items like laundry detergent, dish detergent, trash bags, razors and other non parishables that can just be so expensive at the store. We don’t go to costco a ton, but when we do, we buy all these key items and do save a lot. agree with the fact that electronic prices are also good and you can get good deals on random things now and again (we found boxes of like 40 velvet hangers there for like $8, which were fantastic when we were moving in because BBB sold the same box of like 20 for $15 or something).

    • My family of 2 has a Costco membership (and the Costco Amex, like JJ). The Kirkland brand stuff is typically very high quality. We just got organic and scent-free laundry detergent that we like so far and is so much cheaper than other brands. They have specialty items like farro and chia seeds that cost as much for a big bag as I would pay for a little bag at my local grocery store or even TJs. If you have a dog, the dog food is great and so much cheaper than other comparable brands. And their return policy is awesome.

      Oh, and their peanut butter is delicious. If you prefer it without lots of added sugar, definitely try it (used to be organic, now it’s just “natural”). It comes in two larger jars instead of a big tub (a lot of their stuff is packaged this way).

      • I forgot that to mention that their shampoo and conditioner are really nice. They make sulfate free & no animal testing/ingredients products that are $7-9 for large pump bottles.

    • Anonattorney :

      I toyed with getting a Costco card for my house of 2. I went and started comparing prices, and there were just too many things that weren’t cheaper than my grocery store’s prices. I ended up leaving with avocado oil, cans of chicken broth, peanut butter, and some granola bars. Their toiletry selection is very slim, so no savings there. I would actually do some cost comparisons if I were you on things you normally buy to see if it’s worth it.

    • Amelia Bedelia :

      We are a family of two and LOVE Costco. We go far too much. Here are the items we purchase most:
      1. avocados – we eat one a day
      2. grapes/carrots/tomatoes — we pack these in lunches, so we go through them before the expire.
      3. eggs and milk – admittedly, i have occasionally thrown a VERY small amount of milk away, but we drink it so much it’s worth it. It is FAR less expesnvie than grocery. Also, we eat a ton of egg whites so the eggs in bulk make sense.
      4. canned organic chicken broth and stewed tomatoes – I use a lot of it to cook.
      5. nuts – they are far cheaper and we eat a lof of them.
      6. frozen fish – high grade and individually wrapped.
      7. rotisserie chicken – we shred it for tacos/stir fry/chicken salad – super yummy.
      8. yogurt. i eat it every day, so it’s worth it.
      9. medicine/toiletries (not makeup!)/vitamins/razors, etc. the prices are great.
      10. books – for adults and kids. The selection is actually pretty decent.
      11. underclothes for Husband.
      12. socks.
      13. some kitchenware – vitamix/kitchenaid mixer/utensils.
      14. trash bags
      15. electronics. I bought a very high end camera and television there. Admittedly, this purchase doesn’t happen often, but it’s worth it.

      I am sure there is far more – but these things (other than electronics) I buy regularly and often enough to justify the membership price. I stay away from large things of cereal/tuna/spices that really only make sense for a large family.

      • Kontraktor :

        I have another comment in moderation for some reason, but we buy a lot of similar items to you. I love their price son fage yogurt, frozen fruit, bulk organic veg for juicing, trash bags. grape tomatos are a great deal there. we also buy socks. i think it’s good for items you buy a lot or go through quickly because it’s almost always cheaper than stores, even when stores have sales.

      • Amelia, what do you do with the egg whites? We make a ton (well, not quite a ton, but too many) desserts that involve yolks, and I’m always freezing the whites, but I’m never sure what to do with them. I’ll try to convince myself to make them scrambled or omelets, but never can really get around to it (and my husband won’t even consider such a thing). I try to eat healthy-ish in general, but I’m not particularly avoiding fat or cholesterol; I just want to use the whites up instead of having them go to waste!

        • Make meringue! Or angel food cake.

          • I’ve though that, but if we’re making desserts, we just usually end up with something richer, you know? I mean, if you’re between creme brulee and angel food, it’s hard not to go with creme. Plus, I find that those don’t really use up many whites (since they’re so fluffy).

        • @Lyssa: Make frittata for dinner one night–you can add 2 whites per whole egg and really not notice a difference.

        • @ Lyssa: Im also not a fan of egg white omelets but I don’t mind them at all when mixed with regular eggs, so adding in to your regular egg dishes is one idea.

          But more importantly – you can make awesome deserts with egg whites: off the top of my head, I’m thinking berry pavlova & eton mess. Sooooo good!

          Also, you can add whipped egg whites to pancakes for the most amazing airy pancakes. If you google around for lemon ricotta pancakes, you’ll probably find some egg white recipes.

        • I use the yolks for breakfast at the office. I just put them in a tupperware container with a splash of milk of and whatever veggies we have on hand then microwave scramble them in the morning.

        • Amelia Bedelia :

          well, my husband LOVES eggs but has high cholesterol. So, we scramble two whole eggs with like 6 or 7 egg whites and eat that. We make omeletst the same way. And we make avocado deviled eggs quite often. You replace the “yolk” inside the deviled egg with an avocado mixture and it is SO yummy.

          honestly,though, that’s really all. we just eat tons of eggs. I need lots of protein but don’t really love meat, so I eat like 5 or 6 boiled eggs a day (2 whole eggs and the rest egg whites all mashed up).

    • We’re a family of 2 and I think it is worth it – I’m an add-on member to my parents but would probably buy our own if we couldn’t. As tesyaa said, always stick to your list otherwise you will spend $300 on things you don’t need – and I agree with the commenters who said weekends are impossible at Costco. If you can go on a weekday evening after dinner, it’s much more reasonable.

      Things we generally buy at Costco:
      – Olive oil – the Kirkland brand has been reported to not be adulterated like apparently a lot of olive oil is
      – Tissues, paper towels, toilet paper
      – Ziploc bags
      – Granola bars
      – Cereal
      – Tomato paste (not canned tomatoes b/c they don’t have the no-salt one)
      – Cleaning products (Mr Clean, Palmolive, detergent) and the Kirkland brand Lysol wipes
      – Foil roasting pans
      – Socks and underwear for my husband
      – Industrial sized quantities of chocolate bars for my husband

      We’ve purchased some other things that are great but not necessarily regular buys… really comfy sweatpants for around the house, a giant bag of freekeh for $7.. They carry a lot of kosher products which is great for us.

      If you drink soda, cans are cheap there. We usually can’t pick up meat/dairy there because we drive there as part of a bunch of other errands and don’t drive straight home – but when we can we do (and then I split up and freeze the meat and chicken etc in smaller amounts).

    • On the offchance that you live in an area that participates, the app Instacart allows you to order things from Costco without a membership and have them delivered. Although they’ll mark up the price a little bit to profit, you can still get a lot of stuff for less than retail.

    • We had a Costco membership before having kids. Saved us a ton on laundry soap, cleaning products, and we would always buy meat, portion it & freeze it. I love to bake and all the baking supplies there are way cheaper than the grocery store (flour, sugar, etc). The clothing they have is usually limited, but if you find something you like it’s a great deal (some of my favorite work out clothing came from Costco as did my down winter coat that has been great & was only $70). Not to mention if you have a car, tires are great there, and if your Costco has a gas bar gas is really cheap too.

      And if you get the Executive membership you get a cheque at the end of the year for a percentage of your annual purchases, which means your membership fee is actually less. At least, that’s the way it works in Canada.

      As long as you shop with a list, know your prices at other stores

    • My husband and I love our Costco membership. It really comes in handy for household staples as wellness electronics and other random purchases. Plus, it’s fun to shop on the weekend and get to try all the samples. We’ve discovered so many cool products that way.

    • My husband and I were members for a year and went maybe twice. It just didn’t work for us. We’re a pretty picky household when it comes to food and certain brands, I guess–I remember wandering around and not finding the right kind of cereal or pasta or the fruit I wanted for that week. When we did buy something, the bulk sizing was way too much for our small household and I’d end up getting sick of whatever I bought. The price savings on toiletries or paper goods wasn’t enough to justify the cost of the membership, not to mention that I just hate the experience of warehouse shopping and have no time to go during the week when it isn’t as crowded. All that said, I would maybe consider trying it again if/when we have more kids to feed.

      • Very timely. Have been trying to convince DH for awhile. Thanks for the intel that I can get added to my mom’s.

      • This was pretty much my experience–they never have the specific variety of a product that I’m looking for.

        Also, where I live now it’s about a 40 minute drive in horrible traffic which negates any savings. I went once to buy the dog food my pup was on when I got him before it was safe to switch, and never again. The drive was a pain and the food is hardly what I would call quality dog food.

      • One more thing about Costco: some people are frustrated by the selection. You don’t walk in and see all the brands you are used to seeing in other retail stores.

        But once you’ve been a Costco member for a while, you realize that Kirkland/Costco has narrowed the choices down to one brand, and *that is the best brand.* Sometimes they stick a Kirkland label on it and it’s even cheaper.

        Like, in summer, you don’t need to choose between 18 brands of sleeping bags like you would at REI. The one Costco has is half the price and it will be the best sleeping bag you can get for the money. Costco saves me the research.

        My last 3 winter coats came from Costco (for like $30) and they are name brands like North Face. Same for DH. DH and I also wear the heck out of their Kirkland brand no-iron button front shirts, both the men’s and the women’s. Sure, I could spend eternity looking for a no-iron button front shirt, but at Costco, they have done the research for me, and found the best one for my money.

        • +1 to the Kirkland brand being consistently high quality. I can think of a few things that I would have preferred the name brands (e.g. Hanna Andersson kids pjs are softer then the Kirkland knock-off) but for the price, the private label is fine. The return policy is incredible so if an item is a miss, you can always return it.

        • For me, it’s not the lack of brands, its the lack of options within a brand. For example, I need dye-free and fragrance-free laundry products because of allergies, and they just have plain old Tide. I don’t think that means that the heavily scented and colored stuff is “the best.”

          • It’s late in the day, but this varies greatly by your location. Ours has about 3-4 variations of most household items. From Saran Wrap to “free and clear” kirkland laundry detergent. The best thing to do is visit your Costco and see if they have what you actually use.

          • Oh, mine has several different options, including a Kirkland brand that is fragrance free and “natural.” This is what we use.

    • lucy stone :

      Yes! The amount we save on rental cars and hotels alone has made it worth it for our family of 2.

    • Another family of two here — we love our Costco membership! Over time, we have switched to buying more non-food items there and fewer food items. Our regular purchases:
      Wine (far and away the biggest $ item on our receipt, every time)
      Other liquors – Scotch, etc.
      Natural chicken breasts
      Smoked salmon
      Cheeses (Tillamook sharp cheddar slices etc.)
      Paper towels
      Ziploc bags
      Advil, Prevacid, Lubriderm, etc

      Plus we have used the Tire Center twice and Costco Travel for three trips.
      One caveat for the OP — the inventory is not identical at every Costco location. The main differences I’m aware of are in the wine/liquor selections — we’re in SF and the city location has an extensive wine selection. But you might want to request a free tour/visit to check out what they have at your local store that you might end up buying.

  6. kjoirishlastname :

    I need more cardigans in my life. And not the band.

    It is a bummer that LE sizes are so wonky. LLBean for that matter too. Uhh, and as previously discussed, Loft & Coldwater Creek. Why are there no middle-of-the-road clothes for us little girls? I don’t have a ton of money to spend on high end petites, and I don’t always need petite. But, as with the others above, I require like a 0-2 or XXS in all those brands. But I can wear a 2-4 in Gap/Banana/JCrew, depending on the cut.

    Re: the LE Ponte dress that everyone loves–the one thing that irks me to no end about it (and I haven’t seen it in person), is with the “Spritz” print, they didn’t match the print at the seam in the center of the skirt. It’s one thing when you have an abstract print and matching along the seam isn’t really an issue, but when you have a geometric print, and you don’t match across the seam? It just looks like really poor workmanship.

    • I have that dress in that print and it irks me too. I finally decided to just wear a belt at that seam so that I couldn’t see the mismatch. Out of sight, out of mind.

    • I have a tiny upper body and have (with basics) occasionally ventured into youth sizes. I mentor at a middle school and most middle-schoolers these days seem to be bigger and curvier than me, so I have no idea where they shop (but somewhere, and LE does a lot of school uniforms, which is why the idea re-occurred to me). It doesn’t always work, but LE puts the size measurements on the site and is just so wonderful with returns that it might be something to think of? I’m 5-4, so on the cusp of regular / petite / youth sizes. I’m an XS in their cardigans, but I’ve got hips and a tummy.

      • Have you tried Nordstrom’s junior department (BP)? I used to wear a lot of cardigans from there (mostly the house brand, I guess BP or maybe Frenchi).

    • kjoirishlastname :

      I do also venture into the kids department on occasion. I’m a pretty athletic build, so I often do have a bigger tuchus (thanks, ellen), and meatier thighs than girls, but I can usually wear XL or XXL tops without a problem. I will check out Nordies too!

      Thisgirl is not above buying kids’ shoes because they’re inordinately cheaper. Hello cheap Keens.

    • How about the Limited? Or NY&Co? Limited has petite sizing, although I think only online. For both places, I don’t think they’ve gone crazy with the vanity sizing – I’m usually a 2/small at Loft and BR and am usually a small at Limited and small/extra small at NY& Co. Limited is a little better quality, in my opinion. Both places have sales and coupons all the time.

      Signed, Queen of a Million Cardigans.

    • A lot of my cardis come from Target.

  7. I’m not a fan of colored animal print. It reminds me of colored camouflage, which is hideous, or white-haired ladies in Florida. I also prefer animal prints in small doses, like shoes, belts, jacket lining, etc. This cardigan is definitely not for me!

    • Opposites! I was actually just thinking how much I love the colored animal print, because I’m addicted to leopard, but don’t really see it as a summer print…while I’d wear the green leopard cardi allllll summer.

    • Ha. Have you clicked on the link? Because it doesn’t just have to *remind* you of colored camouflage…

  8. Anonymous :

    I’m looking for some advice from some current or former law clerks. I am a 2l and I have an interview with an appellate judge next week and I am very excited but also freaking out as it is my first clerkship interview. I am pulling a bunch of his notable decisions from the judicial almanac and some of his recent decisions to read this weekend. Do appellate judges tend to ask more substantive questions? I am terrified of getting a substantive question and having absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Any other general tips?

    • I only had 1 appellate clerkship interview (and ended up getting the job) but there were no substantive questions whatsoever. Try to get some intel from alumni/other clerks about your particular judge to get a sense of his/her interview style. I would be shocked if the judge asked questions about the law – it’s mostly about your resume, work experience, etc.

    • anon clerk :

      I just recently had an appellate clerkship interview (successful!) and there were no substantive questions out of left field – the only legal topics we discussed were based on (1) my writing samples – we talked about my note, or (2) my transcript (ex: “What class did you like best?”, “Tell me about your independent research”), or (3) about cases I’d worked on as a summer. All the questions were really general, so I didn’t feel put on the spot at all. We did talk a little about a recent decision of his as well, but I actually brought that up myself. It was primarily about fit. I second the advice of gathering intel from alums or other former clerks if you can! Good luck!!

    • I think clerkship interviews are really about fit. The judge can tell your basic qualifications from your application materials. In my experience, judges were interested in figuring out whether they would want to have me as one of the 3 other people working in their chambers for a year.

      If you’re meeting with current clerks as well, I think they may be more likely to get into substantive questions, although more about things like a course you are taking or your writing sample, not about random cases or topics.

      • +1. Be prepared for substantive law, but the interviews are really about fit. They are trying to figure out if your working style and personality would jive with theirs. This is why talking to former clerks is so helpful. If the judge is really moody, make sure you are ok with people losing their temper sometimes. If your judge works evenings and weekends, find out whether you are also expected to be there, or whether it’s ok to leave when the courthouse closes, or whether you can do work remotely.

    • be prepared for substantive questions. a friend of mine interviewed with a judge on the 10th circuit (and got the job) and was asked his views on recent establishment clause jurisprudence.

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      We ask substantive questions because our court has a specialized jurisdiction and we want to gauge applicant interest. Our judge usually asks substantive questions related to the topic of the substantial writing paper (usually the submitted writing sample). Good luck!

  9. Career books :

    Anyone with recommendations for books or other resources for young lawyers on:

    (1) basic litigation skills- oral advocacy, writing, etc.?
    (2) career management/how to succeed in law?

    • Re: #2, check us out for coverage of great articles/ discussions, and we have some great resources of our own in the works also, excited to share. Have a great weekend!

    • These are gigantic questions. It would help to know if the audience is a law student, pre-law, new litigation associate, etc.

    • I am a banana. :

      I liked McElhaney’s Trial Notebook and still pick it up from time to time, as far as an overview of how to approach practice.

      Anon is right that you will learn the most as time goes on simply through exposure.

    • For writing, I like “Plain English for Lawyers” by Richard Wydick.

    • For a brand new associate, Swimming Lessons for Baby Sharks by Grover Cleveland. It is a short/light read, and I found it useful for adjusting my mindset to how things work in a law firm and understanding what it means to be a good associate. Some of it is common sense, but there are a few nuggets in there that newbies need to hear (for example, if you think you spent too long on a project, resist the temptation to record less than the full amount of time it took…not only is that decision above your pay grade, but you, as a new attorney, have no frame of reference for what is “too long”).

    • Storm trooper :

      The Curmudgeon by Mark Herrmann. I bought it for associates on multiple occasions. It’s practical, although much of it common sense. Even so, every person I bought it for got something out of it.

  10. ShoesHateMe :

    Desperately in need of shoe recs- every pair of flats I have ever owned, from $12 flats from target, to $100 CK real leather loafers, have destroyed my feet. No matter the material, flats will literally shred my heels until they bleed and it still happens even after more than enough wears to break them in. I’ve tried different sizes but it makes no difference. Any recommendations for something that won’t leave me hobbling, barefoot, or ruining my shoes with blood stains (really, it’s happened)?

    • I have similarly finicky feet and definitely have stained shoes with blood. While they aren’t super professional, I’ve had good luck with campers flats.I have these and the combination of the super soft leather and the elastic strap (prevents my foot from moving up and down) really seems to work.

      Regular elastic backs dig right into my heel.

    • I’ve been happy with the pair I picked up from Ugg. I don’t see the allure of their boots, but have been very happy with a pair of flats from them.

    • First Year Anon :

      I have the same problem. The Cole Haan Air Bacaras are pretty good. I just bought a pair of Tieks (should be getting them shortly), so I hope those work.

      I have a pair of Corso Como flats that don’t bother me as well. Frye flats are very forgiving too. good luck! I feel your pain!

      • I love mine and hope they work for you. Received them as a gift for Christmas and I’m thrilled that it’s finally flats weather!

    • I have this problem and my only solution was to not buy true flats – instead buy “flats” that have a 1/2″ to 1″ heel or wedge heel. My favorite brands are Naturalizer or LifeStride (not exactly the most fashionable but they are comfy!)


      And also: HUE makes footies with a silicone gripper on the heel that do a good job protecting feet from shoes (and blisters and worse).

    • The first comfortable flats that I owned were Paul Mayer Attitudes suede quilted flats. I think the suede was a little softer (although I also like their leather flats), and they have a tie in the front that goes all the way around the shoe so you can keep your heel from moving up and down, which is typically the source of my heel issues.

      • YES X A MILLION!!! I love, love, love these flats. Last trip I made to NYC, I bought 3 pairs in different fun colors. They are hands down the most comfortable ballet flat ever. Great support, almost like a light running shoe bottom, and the tie is very useful.

      • Also wanted to add: I also own AGLs and the Paul Mayers are much more comfortable although the AGLs are more work-appropriate. The Mayers are a bit cheaper than the AGLs (200-300), but they last forever. My first black pair I bought has made it through 2 years so far, which included 4x a week wear in the summer and 3 walk-heavy city-based vacation trips.

    • I’m not really sure what is causing your heel problem (maybe tough leather?), so I’m not sure exactly what to recommend. I also have problems with flats, but mostly because I have high arches. Have you tried French Sole? I like those.

    • I buy rolls of Dr. Scholl’s moleskin and immediately line the back half of my flats because I have the same problem! Even with nice leather, if the shoe is stiff it will wreak havoc on my heels. This is for stiff leather. For just something that’s a little tight, I will do the sock/dryer trick to loosen them a little and then apply the moleskin. And as TheElms said, something with a bit of height helps too as it changes the angle of your foot and the need to grip the shoe.

      • Actually, put the moleskin on your feet. I have a couple of bony spots on my feet and it doesn’t matter what sort of shoe I wear, they get rubbed. So I put the moleskin directly on those spots. Also, Blister Block or some other sort of non-chafing product is really helpful. I don’t really love wearing shoes with no socks, but because DC is hot, I am vain, and my office is very informal, I pretty much need to go sockless all summer. So I tape my feet up with moleskin, rub on some Blister Block, and off I go. Still isn’t great if I’m going to be on my feet all day, but for a day at the office, very helpful.

        Also, I second the Hue recommendation. They have some very low-cut footies with grips on the heels, and they stay on pretty well.

        • I was just wondering about putting the moleskin on your feet! I bought a beautiful pair of wedges in February (before Lent) and they fit perfectly except that the buckle rubbed a blister right under my ankle bone, only on my right foot. I’ve been thinking about how to prevent that in the future.

          • Moleskin sticks better than band-aids, and doesn’t really rip your skin when you take it off (don’t put it on scrapes or blisters, of course). I think it also helps “mold” the shoe around your foot, which should help with the rubbing a bit.

            I go nowhere without a role of moleskin anymore.

          • I’ve actually had issues with the moleskin coming off within 5 steps of putting it on. Do you use the plain old Dr. Scholls stuff? My in-laws are in England and every Christmas I beg for Compedes, which are like a much much better version of the Blister Bandaids. I would buy out their entire stock if I could, they’re the only thing that’s ever worked.

          • I use the Dr. Scholls stuff that comes in a roll (not role!!). I do usually wrap it around my toes. It sticks better when you can stick it to itself. But even for the backs of heels, I think it stays on better than band-aids.

            I’ll also sometimes use those back-of-the-heel pads to put on the shoe (not my foot!) if the back of the shoe is very stiff.

    • a passion for fashion :

      AGLs. The sell them at Nordies and they are a bit pricey (about $300) but so, so worth it. I own like three pairs. They are the most confortable shoe I have every owned. Also, with all of my flats, I add the dr scholls clear arch support, which really helps me (though wont address the heel issue)

      • How do they run size-wise?

        • I found them to be pretty standard. I am a 9.5 in 95% of shoes, and I’m a 9.5 in AGLs. Like I said above, they’re very work appropriate and comfortable, but not as comfortable as a ballet-style flat.

        • a passion for fashion :

          totally normal. i am a 6.5/7 and i think my AGLs are a 7 — i always buy the bigger size in flats (sometimes even 7.5)

          And my AGLs are a ballet-style flat, so maybe there are multiple styles (there are at least two styles, as i have the ballet flats and another patent leather style that is not quite as comfortable, but still awesome). They have super soft leather that has a bit of elastic at the back so it doesnt dig into anything.

      • anonyomous :

        I LOVE AGLs too! They are the shoe I take when we are traveling! No pain when walking all day long and they don’t look like a “tourist” shoe at all. Totally worth the money!

    • I did too until I finally figured out what works/doesn’t work. Haven’t bought new flats in a while but what helped was: figuring out that my pump size and my flats size aren’t necessarily the same.

      What also helped during the break in process was to wear moleskin/monistat anti-chafing around the heel (or if you’re breaking in sandals, anywhere there is rub).

      • Huh, I’d never even thought to try a different size for flats v. pumps. I just always went, “Yep, 8 it is.” Must try.

    • Mountain Girl :

      I have a similar problem and now buy Foot Petals Heavenly Heels by the dozen. I put them in every single pair of shoes I own before I wear them. I have never had them wear out. They are relatively inexpensive and I can’t imagine wearing shoes without them. It makes all the difference.

    • This dress can be va-va-voom! :

      Easy Spirit Gessica flats. Somewhat frumpy brand masks incredibly wearable shoes.

    • I’ve started a note with all these suggestions, my feet thank you!

  11. I don’t like cotton cardigans, even with fancy names like supima, because in my experience they age really quickly.

    • Frugal doc.. :


      I have found that the blends seem to hold up better. I am also much more careful now about not overwashing, using gentle washing cycle, mild detergents, hang dry, and most of my clothes are looking better, longer.

  12. the "outlet" you see on pinterest :

    Has anyone bought from the “Ray ban outlet” or the “toms outlet” that you see posted on pinterest? I’m wondering if it is truly as good as it seems…

    • I haven’t purchased from any of those sites, however, based on Intellectual Property classes in law school I know that many sites like those are often scams/they sell knock-off products. Usually the best way to verify whether a particular brand outlet is legit is to go to the company’s website and see if the website is listed as an authorized dealer.

  13. I’m team backpack 80% of the time but thoughts on this as a good carry-all when my bright orange backpack doesn’t pass muster (ie. fieldwork interviews, conferences, public events)?

    • Sensible-looking bag, but if a laptop’s going in, I’d always prefer something lighter ie. non-leather.

      • I can’t speak to the quality of the Knomo leather bags, but I purchased the Stella quilted backpack a few months ago and the quality is great. So far it has held up well and doesn’t seem completely out of place in business meetings. I’ve even managed to get a compliment or two – a rare thing for a backpack.

  14. The only color bottom I could see that cardigan looking nice with is grey. Or maybe a khaki for summer? But that’s verging on a bit Palm Beach for us up here in the Northeast.

    • I’d wear it with navy or with jeans all the time in the northeast.

    • For spring or summer, I think you could pair that with a bright colored skirt – pink, yellow, lavender. Does that make it too palm beachy for you? I think it would look great!

    • I’d wear it with navy, white, gray, brown, or green.

  15. Relationship/Irresponsible DH Rant :

    Sorry for the novel but I am SO frustrated with my DH! So background: we have been married almost a year (no kids) and live in different states right now because I took a job in the place we plan to live, and he is still looking for work here. So Wednesday night I couldn’t get him on his cell, it kept going to voicemail. Yesterday morning he emailed me about a cover letter I proofread for him. I wrote him right back and said “hey give me a call, I can’t reach your phone.” So he writes back and said, “I tried to call too but I’m with [his Buddy] kayaking and have very rare service here.” I replied and said “Oh I didn’t know you were doing that.” And he replied, “I know I jumped in last minute, I forgot all sorts of stuff when throwing a bag together.” I had heard nothing of this until his email saying he was already there.

    So Buddy and I are friends on the book of faces and he posted earlier this week “headed to Devil’s River to check it off the bucket list, hope we don’t have to get [helicoptered] out!” So I put two and two together and gather DH is kayaking with Buddy on Devil’s River.

    So I g*ogled this river. And the Texas parks web site says this about it: “A trip on the Devil’s River is suitable ONLY for experienced paddlers only who are prepared to spend at least three days on the river. It is critical for paddlers to plan and prepare well in advance for this physically demanding, remote river trip. Can be difficult and challenging to plan, exhausting to navigate, and life-threatening if not prepared, even for the most seasoned paddlers.” My husband is not an experienced paddler and he obviously did NOT plan or prepare well in advance (going last minute and forgetting stuff).

    The other thing is I learned fly fishing is popular on this river and DH has been practicing fly fishing for a few weeks now. Which makes me think he knew all along he was planning on going and just didn’t tell me.

    So I emailed DH again when I figured this out and emailed DH again and said “I can’t believe you went on that river unprepared at the last minute.” I haven’t heard from him since his last email yesterday.

    I am SO mad at him but also I really hope he gets through it safely! I am frustrated for a few different reasons. 1) How could he go on this trip without even mentioning it to me? 2) It sounds like such a dangerous trip and it makes me so mad he would be so reckless and take a risk like that, especially without discussing it with me. 3) It seems like he knew he was going on this trip and knew I wouldn’t like it, so he just didn’t tell me until he was there.

    I guess my question (other than just commiseration) is how should I deal with him about this? I feel like if I tell him how hurt and mad I am, and he apologizes, it won’t address the larger problem of his keeping it from me and taking a risk like that. We are a family now and I think it’s selfish of him to be so reckless. I have been sick with worry (and anger) for 24 hours now. I had terrible dreams about it last night. He has a history of doing sort of adventuresome trips that have an element of danger but I feel like its different now that we’re married. Not that he should not be allowed to go on such trips but that we should discuss it, and the risks involved, ahead of time. And of course he should tell me his plans, Ugh!!

    Please don’t tell me I should divorce him, that is not on the table. Any other constructive advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      As devil’s advocate, if the reason he did not tell you was because he thought you would worry, I do note that you then say you have been sick with worry, so it seems he was right about that. Not saying this excuses not telling you, but perhaps explains why he didn’t (ie not that you wouldn’t like it but more that he didn’t want you to worry).

      • It is hard to see it from that perspective but you’re right. At least that is some silver lining, maybe.

    • Anne Shirley :

      I don’t think your problem has anything to do with this trip. Your problem is that you toe haven’t prioritized starting married life by living together. Why hasn’t he just moved to the place you live? It’s easier to find a job in a new place when you’re there on the ground. Do you have an end date for his looking? Do you think he’s working hard on that? I think you need to sit down with him and say that living apart just isn’t working for you, and you need to figure out a way to change that. And I’d stay away from concerns about this trip because I think doing that gives you an easy way out- if everything else were fine, I don’t think you’d be do worked up about this trip, and using safety concerns as a sword just lets you prolong a bigger issue.

      • You’re right that that is a huge issue for me but post would be five times as long and I don’t have it in me to tackle that today. No, I don’t think he’s working hard on it.

        • Anne Shirley :

          Yeah then honestly I wouldn’t bother dealing with this trip. He didn’t die on it (great!) and it makes it too easy for the discussion to become “this was unsafe ” “nuh-uhn my buddy Steve was totes careful”. “You should have told me” “why it was totes safe seeee nothing happened”.

          • Actually I don’t know that yet.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Well, by the time he gets back either he will be alive and well or he will be in no condition to have the discussion.

            You are doing what I tend to do, which is finding something to latch onto in order to avoid dealing with the actual issue, which is that you two aren’t really living together as a married couple, and what’s up with that? I agree with the other posters that this is the issue you should be addressing.

          • I know, you’re right. I just can’t bring myself to write that post. It’s pretty heartbreaking.

          • OP – obviously, you can choose to share or not share whatever you would like. But if it is “pretty heartbreaking”, maybe opening up and asking for some suggestions on how to improve the situation would provide you with some comfort?

        • I agree, OP. Get him to your town asap. Or figure out if y’all need to be in his town or somewhere else and make it happen. One thought is that it is easy for him to go on this trip without discussing it with you b/c he doesn’t really feel married. Even in a committed relationship, you are technically “single” in that you make your own decisions. When you get married, you make joint decisions. Y’all said your vows, but then nothing really changed. He lives there, you live here. Some people can change their mindsets and make that work, some people can’t and need an actual physical lifestyle change. Best wishes to you.

          • Oh – and I would be extra mad about this trip! I know you are so worried. It is not fair for him to put you through that. I’m sure he will be fine, and you can confront him about it. I do not agree with the others that you should let this go in favor of the moving subject. Tackle them both – they go together. “DH, it really upset me that you did not discuss this trip with me beforehand. I was so worried about you and hurt that you went without telling me. The fact that you are fine does not change those 3 days I spent worried sick. I think one reason you felt like you could make a decision like this on your own is because we don’t live together. For that and many other reasons, it is really important to me that we live together starting now. We will figure the money out.” Then figure it out – put student loans in deferment, sell stuff, don’t go out to eat. You need to give your marriage a good starting out point. Plus, you want to have plenty of time to enjoy each other before you have kids, if you plan to.

          • I completely disagree about confronting him about this trip. You can use the fact that he didn’t tell you about it to make your point that he doesn’t seem to be acting like you’re married, but don’t go into talking about how worried you were. That’s just going to make him feel even more constrained. Focus on the bigger issue, whether it’s that he doesn’t seem invested in the relationship or whatever.

          • Why would you not want your husband to know you were worried about him? It is a risky trip, of course she would be worried. If they had discussed it beforehand, they could have figured out when he would have chances to check in with her to ease her mind. He is married – he should be concerned about his wife’s mental state (being worried about him). They need to figure out together a balance of his daredevil adventures and her being worried about his safety.

          • I think it’s fine to mention, but I also think, based on her original comment, that she’s severely overreacting and that’s not going to benefit their discussion.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I feel like if you are a person who tends towards being super-worried, that is your issue and your loved ones ought not to be required to modify their activities to accommodate it. I mean, if you marry a motorcycle rider, or a base-jumper, or a kayaker, you don’t get to turn around and say “I’m a big ol’ worrier so you have to stop doing the things you like because I worry. Or you have to report in every five minutes because I worry.”

            Me personally, I am a worrier so I don’t think I’d marry a real daredevil. But if I did, I’d bite my tongue and bite my nails and do extra therapy sessions before I’d expect him to change who he is or change the nature of his daredevil adventures.

          • Sorry, accidentally reported your post … wanted to say that I agree on this. From an outsider’s point of view, it’s not about the trip itself, but that he’s not looking for a job in your current city. Time taken for this trip = time lost looking for a job … in that looking for one is a full time job within itself.

          • Senior Attorney – thank you for your, as always, thoughtful responses. I wanted to clarify that, as I noted below, I didn’t mean to say that he should stop doing adventurous/dangerous things anymore, just that I think risk management and its affects on our marriage are worthy of consideration, in a way that they were not before we wed.

      • I agree with Ann Shirley. I think that you are both wrong, to some degree, him for now telling you and you for overreacting to some degree.

        Overall, this sounds like the normal first year of marriage stressors (which are totally normal!) combined with the added stressors of not living together and not really being sure how you should relate to each other (as in, more like you’re single or more operating as a couple). It’s tough, and it sounds like there are problems that need to be solved, but it’s definitely not something to contemplate divorce over.

      • I think you hit it on the head. Sounds like OP is thinking of them as a married unit, DH is not. That’s what the discussion should be about.

        For this weekend, I’d just say “I’m disappointed that you took a trip without telling me, I love you and want to know your general whereabouts.” (And I’d be esp upset if you have joint finances, and he is spending that money without talking to you first.) No need to fight, no need to have a long discussion. Just state that it hurt your feelings, and you’re disappointed in his actions.

        Then next time you’re together, have a discussion on what you both want from this marriage. Take the time between now and then to think through what you want, when you want it, and what you’re willing to compromise on. Set goals for the next year (or five years or whatever) with timelines and actions. You should give him a heads up, so he has a fair chance to prep as well (or not, but that would be his choice). Call it the “First Annual State of the Marriage” and make it a regular thing. But this gives you two a chance to reconnect, align on expectations, and have a common goal in mind.

        Good luck.

        • anon-oh-no :

          really? you would be upset if your husband was spending money without tlaking to you first? I could see this if money was tight and one spouse ran off on a vacation without discussing it, but there is no suggestion of that in the OPs post.

          my husband and i have totally joint finances and only consult each other on major purchases — like a $10,000 piece of art or a new car or something. I spend a few grand on clothes without out talking to him all the time, as does he. he also buys season tickets to sports and so forth, and i have my things.

          so i just dont think the finance part of it is necessarily an issue.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Depends on what the agreement is re: finances. For a first-year-of-marriage couples, the expense of a weekend trip might be as impactful on the joint fianances as a $10,000 piece of art for a more established couple. But yeah, one would hope that especially if the couple is living apart, there is room in the budget for recreation without running it past the other person.

          • Just as we, ahem, have separate everything else, we do indeed have separate finances – the expense of the trip honestly had not entered my mind. (Not that I myself could afford such a thing right now but that’s another issue.)

          • Senior Attorney :

            And again, he’s not acting like he’s married in any way. And that’s the conversation you need to have.

            Big hugs, OP. “Pretty heartbreaking” is not a fun place to be. If you’re in L.A. I’d totally love to take you out for a drink!!

        • Ah Senior Attorney thanks so much! I’n in what the coastal folks might call flyover country, but I appreciate your very sweet thought!

    • Hi OP – I think you’re overreacting a bit, actually. It seems there is a communication problem too because you wrote something like ‘I can’t believe you would X’ rather than ‘Hey i saw X is really dangerous actually, did you know? I’m worried about you’. Is the distance causing you some stress, and maybe this is how it is leaking out? Do you feel frustrated with your SO in general, and so this one thing is a big deal?

      • Based just on what you’ve written here (fully understanding there may be more going on), I tend to agree with this. It seems like you went from 0 to 11 really quickly in terms of worry/anger. He hasn’t been totally off the radar, has been responding to you, and told you where he was…yes, he should have told you beforehand, but it doesn’t seem to me to warrant more than annoyance (worry about safety is different though – and something you two need to figure out if he is into daredevil stuff).

        I am also annoyed by the general doom-and-gloom comments anyone gets ANYTIME they are married/ serious and long-distance. Granted, if he isn’t making any effort to move to where you’ve agreed to live together, it’s a problem. But is this actually the case? And if the answer is that he is fully committed to doing so, but is being a bit lazy about it (especially if the reason he’s elsewhere is that he currently has a job where he is?) I don’t think that necessarily means he isn’t committed to you or your marriage – frustrating and calls for a conversation, sure, but not for some deeper questioning of your marriage. The biggest pitfall of long-distance is if you tend to brood/ overanalyze/ blow things out of proportion instead of communicating properly, so don’t let yourself do that, or be convinced by anyone that your long-distance status is, in and of itself, some grave issue.

        • Anne Shirley :

          As I frequent maker of those comments, I think they come up often because of selection bias. People who have long distance relationships that are hogging great (and I fully believe that is possible) aren’t usually the ones that are asking for help with problems. But when you are long distance and you’re having trouble with expectations/communication/living as a team, I think it’s reasonable to point out that distance can be really hard. I see too much pressure the other way as well- take the best job, make the best financial decisions, but if at the end of the day your ultimate goal is a successful marriage, taking job b or having less money can be a really smart choice. And one of the most valuable things I personally get out of online detached not knowing all the circumstances advice is challenging baseline assumptions. Many couples who “can’t” live together actually can, they just can’t keep every other choice the same. Engaging with that can be really helpful.

          • I don’t disagree with that at all. I’ll just say, though, that even the couples who fall into the “actually can” live together, but don’t, can still be making a completely legit choice by doing so. I agree that communication, and being on the same page, is key to making long-distance work – and that, ironically, those things are challenged by the very fact of being long-distance. However, I do think that prioritizing ending your long-distance status above all is not necessarily always the only, or best, option. If a couple jointly decides that being apart for some period of time makes sense, the fact that they are occasionally bummed out and challenged by their long-distance status is a) inevitable and b) doesn’t mean they made the wrong choice.

      • Also, something here re manners / expectations? My SO will take a million calls / texts during dinner or when we’re together, so when he doesn’t pick up for me / respond to a text, it bugs me to no end (so we now have a no phone at the table rule, but going to a casual restaurant can have interruptions b/c you’re less intentional about things). When you have a pattern of being really reachable, you need to be more so to a spouse (especially a distant one). When I travel for work, I tell my SO that I’m in meetings and then at dinner, so I likely won’t call you before 10 (etc.) so that he knows why my phone is off and I’m not checking texts.

        Hiding stuff from a spouse (even an unreasonable spouse) is not good. Then you’re doubled your problems that you’re dealing with as a couple.

        • Can I jump in to say that this is a huge annoyance of mine. I hate when my calls and texts go unanswered, when whenever we are together, he is glued to the phone.

          Makes me so angry! (We’ve had discussions about it several times!)

    • You two aren’t acting like husband and wife. At minimum, you two should have a regular (i.e., daily) communication schedule to at least get some semblance of the together-ness that usually comes with marriage. Doesn’t seem like you have that if he went on a trip without you knowing it or trying to reach you before he left.

    • I agree with other posters. It sounds like the problem is that he isn’t acting like you two are marrried. You’re hurt that he didn’t tell you about his plans and you mentioned upthread that he doesn’t seem to be working very hard to make the move to new city. Your issue isn’t this trip, but your relationship. You two need to have a serious talk about where your relationship is going because clearly getting married hasn’t resulted in as serious of a commitment as you were expecting. Keep in mind that if he’s not as invested in the relationship, that’s not going to lead to a fulfilling marriage.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      This is a communication issue, exacerbated by distance. And I think it’s a two-way issue. On the one hand, there’s no reason on earth he couldn’tve made a 10 minute phone call on his way to super-danger-river to tell you what he weekend plans were – letting your spouse know where you are is common courtesy, even when living in the same city, never mind when you’re living apart. On the other hand, it sounds like you wouldn’tve allowed that to be a 10 minute conversation – it sounds like you would’ve wanted to have a protracted discussion about whether or not the trip was “safe enough” for him to take, whether he should go at all, etc. Seems like he decided to sidestep that discussion by just not telling you – not a great plan on his part, but also understandable (because what adult wants to feel like they need another adult’s permission to take a trip with a friend?).

      Your H owes it to you to keep you up-to-date on his plans, but you also owe it to him to trust him to be making appropriate plans. You’re not his mother, or his keeper – you’re not the arbiter of his personal safety. I’m not saying you just say “okay honey” while he runs off and does any old thing with no regard for the consequences, but at the same time, you can’t force him to do or not do something. As another poster above pointed out, there’s a huge difference between “hey, I did some research, and that’s actually quite dangerous, did you know about that? I’m a little worried,” and “I can’t believe you’re doing/did that thing! It’s so reckless, how could you do that to me!” The first one is a reasonable communication in the context of a marriage; the second just isn’t.

      • Killer Kitten Heels :

        Additional thought – you mentioned that he “has a history” of doing these sorts of somewhat-dangerous trips, but that you think it should be different now that you’re married. Did you ever communicate that to him? Does he know that’s your expectation? Have you heard him out about what he thinks of that expectation? In general, it’s kind of unfair to expect a partner to change something about themselves “because we’re married,” particularly if you don’t discuss it with them.

        • I didn’t mean to say I don’ think he should stop doing adventurous/dangerous things anymore, just that I think how to manage risk, and how it affects me and out marriage, are worth consideration beforehand.

        • I agree with everything Killer Kitten Heels says. I think this issue is really about communication, yours and his.

          If your expectations have changed now that you’re married, make sure he knows that. And make sure you can discuss it with him at a time when you’re not freaking out.

          Also, marriage is hard, for everyone, even those that live together. Distance can certainly exacerbate things.

          I do also agree that I’d be flipping my lid if I found out my DH was on a super scary trip like this via his friend’s fb page. But he should know (in advance!) that it’s important to talk to me before planning this kind of thing. And that, honestly, it’s much scarier for me when we don’t live as close to each other and I don’t know enough about the trip to feel reassured.

          I’m thinking about when I would get lost at the supermarket from my mom when I was a kid. When I was found, the first thing she would do would be to hug me and say, “I love you, I’m so glad you’re safe.” Then she would punish me for wandering off and scaring the bejeezus out of her. Make sure you have the post-trip conversation in that order.

    • Anonattorney :

      I’m sorry you’re stressed! I guess my advice is limited — just be easy on yourself, don’t drive yourself crazy with worry, and try to really figure out exactly why you’re upset. Then have a conversation with your husband, not a confrontation. Just try to be really honest and open with how you’re feeling, and give him space and room to speak openly and honest with you.

      Also, I don’t really ascribe to the belief that now that you’re married you now have to have a certain kind of relationship. The point is to find how your relationship will work for you and your husband, not to turn your relationship into one where you talk X times each day; clear everything past each other; etc.

      I hope everything works out! And, from your post, it sounds like you really are committed to making it work, and that’s the most important thing. He will be fine, and you guys will be fine.

    • I’d like to say that it’s fine if you are upset. That is totally understandable.

      It’s also fine to be honest with your husband about how you feel.

      Also, being in a long distance relationship can be very hard, but everyone has difficulties in life and in marriages. Facing these struggles doesn’t make you unique (and by that, I mean to say, you are not alone in this). There is always challenges there, and people are constantly trying to make things work despite circumstances, so don’t feel like this is necessarily a sign you guys are off track. You can figure this out. I think the key will be to cool down before you lash out at him.

    • Small Town Attorney :

      Just to try to make you feel a little better, and I don’t know how much help this will be: My dad did the Devil’s River trip a few years ago, and 1) it’s not that physically dangerous in the ways you’re probably imagining, and 2) at least Buddy had to have planned in advance b/c you have to get permits & reservations & stuff well ahead of time. What makes the Devil’s River tough is that there are only about 3 places along the river where you can camp; all the rest of the riverbanks are privately owned. The three spots are also pretty far apart for a day trip. So you need to have someone who really knows what they’re doing plan the trip, but the actual paddling itself isn’t especially dangerous. TPWD is really tired of having to airlift out idiots who think they can do it in a day trip.

      Again, I don’t know how much better this will make you feel, and it doesn’t address the underlying communication issues, but at least you don’t need to imagine your husband trying to navigate major whitewater rapids like on the Snake River or anything.

  16. I’ve got an interview for a dream in-house counsel position next week. It’s been years since I’ve interviewed. Does anyone have some helpful tips or stories of interviews that went really well (or not so well)? What did you do that worked or what did you wish you had prepared for? If you were interviewing candidates, what made someone stand out from the next person? Thanks!

    • Ask a Manager has really great interview advice in the archives. Good luck!

    • Anonymous :

      In house attorney here. Obviously, you need to know your subject area etc. But what will really set you apart is your knowledge of and enthusiasm for the company. I interviewed at a major hotel chain and was asked “why do you want to work here?” I gave what I thought was a good answer — great work, interesting mix of work, company has great reputation as a place to work, etc. The interviewer looked at me and said: “huh. Well, if you asked me, I’d say that I want to work here because I love to travel and love staying in different hotels, etc. etc.” I didn’t get the job, and at my next interview I was ready to rattle off a list of reasons why I wanted to work there. I truly believe that my answer is the reason that they hired me instead of one of the hundreds of other applicants. Good luck with your interview — in house is awesome.

  17. Ciao, pues :

    any tips for air travel with an infant? i’ll be taking my 10 week old on a long trip next week, about 7 hours travel time with one layover, no plane change. unfortunately, my husband wont be with us and i’m really anxious. i’d appreciate your shared wisdom on timing arriving at the airport, what to carry with me, where to sit (bulkhead for the space? back of the plane for the white noise? aisle seat/ window seat?), and how to keep myself and the rest of the plane sane in the event she has a seven hour meltdown.

    • I have not traveled w/ my babies, but I did take my twins on a 9 hour car ride at 11 weeks (my husband was with us, too). So it is not the same, but I just wanted to share that they slept almost the entire time! We only stopped 3 times for burps/diaper changes. I sat between them in the back and held bottles up to them at meal times. I think that is a good age to travel since they sleep so much! I think you will be fine!

    • Also in Academia :

      I am generally in the “backpacks are not for adult ladies” camp but when I flew alone with an infant my giant backpack was a lifesaver. At one point I might have even had the backpack on and the baby strapped in his Bjorn, which must have looked hilarious but worked well! I also took our stroller with me; it was handy for pushing the baby around, sure, but also as a cart – for example, to get from the car to check-in, I wore the baby, carried the backpack, and put the carseat in the stroller to push it. I must have been pulling my wheelie suitcase too.

      Also good news? If you are doing all this, someone will probably help you. The guy in front of me in line folded the stroller up and put it on the security belt for me, someone else put the backpack in the overhead bin, etc. Let people help!

      Finally, I am a planner and pretty neurotic, so I reviewed the whole thing in my head like some massive military operation a few times!

      • +1 that people will help. My dad flies all the time and will go out of his way to assist parents with small children.

      • Second this as well. I don’t fly with children but I am really short and even though I can do it myself, someone almost always offers to help me put my wheelie bag in the overhead bin when they see that I am about to hoist it up there. You hear such terrible stories but people are usually pretty nice.

    • I’d strongly recommend that you buy a seat next to you for your baby. That way, he/she can be in a proper carrier in the event of any turbulence. Plus, you’ll be a lot more comfortable if there’s not a person right next to you. I know you don’t have to, but I always did that and consider it money well spent.

      • I wish more parents would do this! I think it’s a huge reason people hate sitting next to babies. The seats are rarely big enough for one human being. Also, it’s illegal to hold a baby in your arms in a car but fine on an airplane? That’s odd to me.

        • anon-oh-no :

          yes, it is fine on an airplane until your baby is 2. and i disagree that it is necessarily better. i’ve done it both ways, with both of my children, and there are pluses and minuses to both. my son did better in his own seat in his car seat, so thats what we did with him, but my daughter was much, much better in my lap (it also makes a difference whether you have two kids or one). kids in car seats on long plane flights are not fun. and the second you take them out of the car seat, it is very difficult to get them to go back in. so parents have the right to make their own decision for their own reasons and dont need others (especially those who have never experienced traveling with children themselves) judging them for the decisions they make.

          • They may be more fussy but they will be safer:

        • There is actually tons of research that the airline safety experts want babies in carriers for air travel (they have their own lobby group) and the only reason the FAA won’t change its rules is because the airlines lobbied that the extra cost would decrease air travel in general for price-elastic consumers.

          Just Google the issue – you will find lots of stories of babies who died during turbulence from flying out of their mother’s arms and either hitting the floor or ceiling of the plane. Plus there is a crazy story of an airplane crash where literally the only survivor was a baby traveling in a carseat. For safety reasons, my husband and I always travel with our baby in a carseat on airplanes – I just wouldn’t feel safe knowing that this is the standard of care the industry recommends ignoring their guidance for the sake of $.

          • anon-oh-no :

            Well, I am glad that you have taken what you believe to be the best course of action for you and your baby. I took what I believe to be the best course of action for my baby and my family. As I said, there are a lot of reasons people make decisions for their family. There is no need for you to judge. Your decision is not better than mine or anyone else’s; it is just different.

          • Interesting. I had no idea. I’m not judging, I think parents need to do what they need to do. But would I rather sit next to a baby than a baby and adult in one seat? Or two babies and one adult in one seat ( as my husband recently did)? All other things being equal, of course ! Look, whatever keeps your kid comfortable, calm, quiet and safe in your judgement is obviously less important than a strangers’s legroom. But we can all agree the plane is crowded enough right?

    • I’ve seen people sitting in the bulkhead seat, and the airline seems to have a little bassinet that they clamp on to the wall facing them. I haven’t flown long distances in a few years though but maybe something to look into?

    • That is a long trip! I can understand being anxious. I didn’t fly with my daughter until she was over a year old, but I actually wish I’d taken more trips when she was an infant. I agree with Poppy that you will probably be fine, and even if she does have a meltdown or two, it happens! You’ll be alone and she’s still so little–I imagine most people will be understanding and sympathetic.

      I do think an aisle seat would be better, so that you can get up easily and quickly if you need to walk with her or take care of a blow-out. Like LE LVR, we had a separate seat for my daughter and brought her carseat, but that’s an awful lot to manage alone. If you aren’t nursing, I’d be sure to bring a pretty sizable supply of formula/pumped milk in case of delays.

      Good luck! I hope it goes smoothly!

    • I think that is a good age for a long plane ride. She will probably sleep a good portion of it. I would sit in an aisle, just so I could get up easier if needed. I would also wear baby in an Ergo or similar while getting through the airport. If she does have a meltdown, I would just get up and walk her up and down the aisles (assuming it is safe to do so at that point.) I think other passengers will for the most part be sympathetic, expecially if they see you are trying to do something. Some people will be annoyed either way, but there is nothing you can do about them. I think some people feel more annoyed when it seems like the parent is doing nothing to stop the crying (though that also seems more the case with toddlers. You have an infant!) As for what to take on the plane–diapers, wipes, extra change of clothes for both of you, blanket, burp cloth, pacifier/teething toy if you use those, and food for baby of course, if you are not nursing. Good luck! (We just traveled with our three kids, including a 2 year old. It went better than I thought it would, but she still cried for about 15 minutes on the first flight.)

      • A great tip I’ve used many times is to pack individual diaper change packs. So a ziploc bag with a diaper and some wipes inside. You can then pull out these one at a time when you need to head to the bathroom for a diaper change. It is much easier than lugging our whole diaper bag with you.

    • No kids, but two friends with tiny ones who both fly a lot swear by feeding the kid on take off and landing. One breastfeeds, the other does a bottle, but the basic principle is that the sucking keeps their ears from getting clogged which in turns makes for happier, more comfortable babies.

      Also, don’t be afraid to ask a nice passenger or flight attendant to hold the baby while you go to the bathroom. People really do like to help.

    • They are super easy to travel with when they are that tiny – surprisingly.

      If you are nursing, you might choose the window seat – it’s feels a little more private. Also helps to have Baby nursing during takeoff and landing with the air pressure changes. That’s normally when they get upset because they need the swallowing to help equalize their ears. (If not nursing, pacifier or bottle might do this trick).

      Also might do small dose of Infant Tylenol ahead of time to ease the discomfort of the ears (plus they sleep).

      • Maddie Ross :

        Second the recommendation for having the window if you are nursing. I would strongly suggest you request being moved if in the middle seat, as it is super ackward to nurse with random people on both sides of you. If you are flying Southwest in particular (which you might be with a layover, no plane change), ask if the flight is full. If not, they will let you bring your carseat on and strap it in next to you. Even if you hold the baby the whole time, having that extra room is awesome. IME babies at 10-16 weeks are the easiest to travel with – not mobile, not a great sleeping schedule, highly impacted by white noise and still able to be nursed to sleep. Oh and cute, so people excuse a little crying.

    • I haven’t read the other comments, so apologies in advance if I repeat advice (I’m sure I will). I have flown a bunch of times (at least double digits) with my daughter. Her first flight was at 6 months, so she wasn’t quite as young as your baby, but I think most of the advice is still applicable.

      1) Transporting baby through the airport: In my opinion, by far the easiest is to have the baby in some sort of carrier on your front and a backpack on your back for your carry-on items. A soft structured carrier (such as an Ergo carrier) is the simplest but your little one might still be a bit small for that. If you are up to it, I would suggest a Moby or other stretchy wrap. You can leave the wrap tied on your body and pop baby in and out as needed. Baby can stay in a carrier on your body through security – you will just go through the metal detector and have your hands swabbed. Note that baby CANNOT be in a carrier during takeoff and landing.

      2) Food: If baby is formula-fed, I would suggest powdered formula rather than the pre-mixed containers. The containers can’t be tested so they will give you a full pat-down and search all your luggage and that is just no fun with a baby. Breastfeeding is the easiest, of course, because you just bring snacks for yourself. I have done it both ways, and formula is really not bad as long as you either have small pre-mixed containers of it or just bring the powder and mix as needed.

      3) On the plane: Make sure you have key items, such as diapers, wipes, change of clothes, small toy under the seat rather than in the overhead bins. I wouldn’t plan to put anything in the overhead bins because it’s hard to get anything down from there while holding a baby. I would suggest some kind of inflatable pillow to rest baby on for the flight. You might be able to use a folded up coat or something, too. But you need something to support your arm so it doesn’t fall off. Feeding and/or giving baby a pacifier for takeoff and landing is good.

      4) In general: Try not to worry too much about a meltdown. The vibration and noise of the airplane always put my baby to sleep immediately. I think she was 18 months before she actually stayed awake for part of a flight. Also, people will help you. They are seriously SO nice to people traveling alone with a baby. US Airways staff has also been AWESOME to me when I needed help (we live in a US hub).

      5) About stroller and carseats: The safest way to take the baby on the plane is to get a seat for him and bring his carseat. If you do that, I would also bring one of those cheap strollers that you just mount the carseat on and gate check it. It might get injured, but that’s really the only way to lug a baby and carseat through the airport. I found that to be totally impossible to manage, and never sprang for the extra seat, so I only did it once. BUT safety-wise it’s the right call. We always rent a carseat at our destination.

    • The best advice I ever got about flying with an infant is to carry on at least 2 changes of clothes for the baby and a complete change of clothes for yourself.

    • Ciao, pues :

      Thanks everyone! Except maybe Anon up there who has added “death by lack of carseat” to my list of anxieties about this trip :|

      • I did two long (12h+) flights solo with my 5 month old. 10 weeks is a fabulous time to fly with infants, so he/she will likely just sleep. You’ve gotten great advice – here’s mine.

        -Airport arrival – about the same time as you normally would. You get to skip a bunch of lines with a baby so no need to get there too early.
        -Security – every airport has different requirements (it seems) so ASK before you assume you can keep the baby in the carrier/stroller etc.
        -I traveled with an umbrella stroller, carrier, backpack and diaper bag. Backpack had nice things (extra toys, books, etc) but otherwise just stayed in the overhead bin. Diaper bag had essentials and stayed under the seat. Umbrella stroller was great while hanging out in the airport, and carrier is essential to getting on/off the plane with your sanity intact. Also, my kid falls asleep in the carrier.
        -If you have a baby who can be fussy, sit in the aisle. I got up a bunch of times just to rock him when he squirmed in his sleep. It’s much more difficult to do that in a window seat, unless you’re in the bulkhead. I’d avoid the back of the plane – you’ll want to get out as quickly as possible and you’re stuck there if the cart is doing service.
        -Nursing: If you’re breastfeeding, experiment with your clothing. I found the easiest was to wear a nursing tank with a shirt over it. Get everything ready before trying the latch and then there’s only a second of nipple before the baby (and your clothes) cover everything else. You can then put a blanket on for extra coverage. The convenience of the aisle outweighs the modesty of the window IMO.
        -Breastfeed or bottle on take off and landing meant no yelling from my baby (every baby is different, but this technique seems to work on most).
        -Diaper change – agree that bringing your diaper/wipes/pad is easier than bringing the entire diaper bag – and your fellow passengers will appreciate it when you don’t whack them with your bag (oops).
        -At LEAST two changes of clothes for the wee one.
        -Be really really nice to the people around you when they sit down :) I had earplugs ready to hand out but luckily didn’t need them.

        Good luck!! It’s much much easier than it seems, so please try not to worry!

  18. I was out having a few drinks with friends last night and one person mentioned that she has to have a gum graft done, which apparently is extremely painful.

    The last time I went to the dentist she noticed some of my gums receded a bit and she told me to be gently with brushing, that’s about it. Now I’m in a full-fledged panic that this might happen to me (I have massive anxiety about the dentist, the thought makes me nauseous). Can someone calm my nerves? Everything you read online is terrible. I am booking an appointment asap (I need to go soonish anyway).

    • Dentists have been telling me this for 2o years (since my 20s), and my gums are still OK – which is pretty good considering my father has advanced gum disease, and I admit I am an aggressive brusher. Definitely no need for panic. A hygienist recommended I use the G.U.M. Gingival Stimulator, and I do use it every night, but whether that is what has saved my gums, I really can’t say.

      • Okay- thank you, so much. I spent a good half hour staring at my teeth last night- is it receding? wow my teeth do look long- but they have *always* looked that way! I used to have perfect hygiene! Dental work scares me to no end. My dentist is pretty thorough/proactive/cautious so I’m hoping that’s part of it, too.

        It is a good kick in the pants though to be better with flossing.

        • Flossing is very important (it goes without saying), but I didn’t start doing it regularly until about when I turned 30.

    • My sister has had this done, maybe twice? I have not. I am am a religious flosser though. I have had some recession on a few teeth and it is in the milimeters and the gums are otherwise healthy. My dentist measures it every time and it has been stable for 10+ years. I have been a religous flosser for about 18 years, which is about 5 years after my sister had the surgery (at least the first time).

      • Good to know *runs off to buy 10 packs of dental floss* :)

        • Me too! My teeth hurt just thinking about all this. I only remember to floss once a week or so. Gah!

          • Philanthropy Girl :

            I was a terrible flosser until about 6 months ago. I *finally* got dental insurance and went for my first cleaning in years. They threatened me with all sorts of horrible things happening to my gums. My hygienist recommended using the Reach Flosser (its like a toothbrush handle with a disposable head on the end) and flossing in the shower. I like the excuse of staying in the hot water an extra 90 seconds, and I haven’t missing a flossing in 6 months. Best advice I’ve ever had regarding my teeth.

    • I weirdly got really anxious about this exact thing last year! My dentist said it’s normal to have some receding as we age, and it’s pretty rare that it requires a graft. I think that if there was any danger of that happening to you in the near future, your dentist probably would have expressed more concern. I hope you can get in soon and that it’s a reassuring visit!

    • Baconpancakes :

      There’s a dentist in my SO’s family – it’s not that big a deal as long as you take steps. Switch to a super soft toothbrush, be consciously gentle with your teeth, and brush up and down, not in circles or across. Also, be sure to floss, since the constant slight irritation of flossing actually makes your gums tougher (yes, that’s actually why you should do it).

    • My gums are a bit recessed and I’m still in my early 30s so I worry it will just get worst with time and I’ll need that procedure. I’ve had 2 teeth where the bottom of the tooth was exposed, and my dentist patched it (almost like a cavity filling) so there isn’t a pocket – it was painless and you can’t tell it was done. Sounds to me like you’re fine, your dentist would have expressed more concern if you were even close to needing a graft.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Use a super-soft toothbrush and that will help. Your dentist has them and will give you one or more if you ask.

      And also? I’ve had the whole worst-case scenario including gum graft, bone graft, and even losing a tooth and having to have an implant. And although it’s not the most fun thing in the world, it’s not the end of the world, either. BY FAR the worst part was being absolutely petrified in the time between I found out there was a problem and the time I was able to get in to see the periodontist.

      (If anybody is in the L.A. area, Dr. Charles in Pasadena is the best, best, best periodontist EVAH. Mad skilz and super awesome chairside manner.)

    • I had a gum graft on my lower two teeth in high school and I don’t remember it being that bad! I woke up in the middle of the procedure (I wasn’t knocked out completely) and saw something I didn’t want to see but all and all it wasn’t a huge deal. Eating and drinking was awkward afterwards but no different than when I got my wisdom teeth out.

      Good luck!

    • Anonymous :

      I had a gum graft done. My periodontist said the recession was likely because of the extensive orthodontic work I had done. I just watched the recession as long as I could but after a while there was exposed bone and risk of losing the tooth so I finally caved and had it done. It was a quick clinic procedure under local anaesthetic (maybe 25 minutes) and I had it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. Took a couple of doses of tylenol #3 and ate a lot of ice cream that weekend. Not a big deal at all.

  19. There’s a group of 5 co-workers, including myself, (if it matters, two are my supervisors and the other two have nothing to do with my position (Julie & Maria)) that typically go out to eat every couple months at a nicer sit down place (think $18 lunch entrees). I’ve been here for about 9 months, so it’s been approximately 5 times. I quickly learned that it’s always a credit card race at the end to see who can get their card to the server first. As in they don’t even wait until the server has brought the bill….

    I’m still sitting there enjoying lunch and before I know it the bill has already been paid, so I’ve never paid because I’m not thinking about how I need to get my credit card out to be ready for the payment battle. Last time when this other lady who had already paid once before went to give her card to the server (check hadn’t come yet), I said Maria, can I please get lunch today? It’s my turn. She said no, nope, don’t worry about it and paid. I am not the type that’s going to throw down over this. Then I hear from my boss a couple days later that Julie (one of the other attendees) is annoyed because she said you never pay. I said to my boss – I tried to pay and was told not to worry about it. I am not the type to have a throw down over a check. If I ask to please let me pay because it is my turn and I am told not to worry about it then I’m not going to worry about it.

    Questions for you all:

    (1) Is it rude to try and pay before the check even arrives at the table? Or am I being rude by not trying to do this? Maybe I’m not up on my business lunch etiquette….
    (2) We are supposed to have one of these lunches today for one of the co-worker’s birthdays (Maria) and I’m tempted to just say that I have too much work and that I’m not going to make it but then there will probably be talk about that….why can’t people just not gossip, is it that hard?!?
    (3) What would you do in this situation?

    I’m tempted to just say f you all (not really, but in my head) and not go to these lunches anymore. I’m annoyed.

    • I would tell them you’re not interested in going anymore and, when they ask why, tell them that you’re uncomfortable with the dynamic over paying – especially when it is brought to the attention of your boss! That is so ridiculous. I would never put up with that kind of [email protected]

    • Either stop going or go today, pay the check and next time say something at the beginning about getting separate checks. This is ridiculous. Either the bosses should be paying or everyone should pay for themselves.

    • I would try to keep the peace. It will be annoying, but I’m sure it will be easier in the long run to just go with their method. So go to lunch today, when the waiter first comes to the table, tell him it’s on you and give him your card. I would not worry about making it secretive, though. That is just too much. Ugh…why must it be dramatic?? Sorry you have to deal with that. I hope that you at least enjoy these lunches.

    • Anonymous :

      This is ridiculous. But at this point you have had about 5 free lunches (no such thing though, as your finding out!) I would make sure you get it this time.

    • Yes, they’re the crazy ones. But if you want to maintain good relationships with your coworkers, you have to play along.

      Go today. Early in the meal – way before the check, could even before the food comes, whenever is convenient to stand up – go give your credit card to the waiter or maitre’d and say you’d like to pay for the meal.

      IMO, while I think they are being silly, this is not a big deal in the scheme of things and not a reason to stop going.

      • I disagree. If they’re playing games, then one of them is going to her boss to complain, it IS a reason to stop going. It’s just so unnecessary.

        • I appreciate the advice. I feel like I’m playing their game if I pay the server early in the meal. I think I’m just going to bow out of this one and blame it on all the work I have to get done.

        • But it’s not just that someone complained to her boss, her supervisors also attend – that makes it hard to stop going at least until she’s paid once. I agree with the advice below to go, get the tab started as soon as the waiter appears and then be ‘busy’ the next few times.

          • Yeah, I went back and read and realized that. I think she’s got the right idea to pay today, in order to not look like she’s trying to avoid paying, then bow out in the future. If it were me, I’d call them out on the game-playing BS, but I know that’s not always possible.

    • I see people’s opinions going both way on this. I just see Julie as a passive-aggressive person now and I don’t particularly care to spend time with her. I don’t work with her in any capacity. I had office politics. Can’t everyone just be a normal person d*ammit…

    • Senior Attorney :

      This is what I would do:

      Next time I would go, and I would give my card to the waitperson the very minute we sit down so I could be sure to get the tab. Then, having done my duty and paid once, I would do as NOLA suggests and opt out in the future because it’s just too ridiculous.

      • This is what I’ll do. Thanks S.A. for the advice. If I don’t go today they might assume I’m trying to dodge paying so I’ll go, pay, and then not go anymore.

      • naijamodel :

        This is what I would do as well. Go one more time just to pay, then leave these crazy people alone!


    • Office dynamics are what they are and you should probably be making more of an effort to pay for lunches so just go, have a good attitude, and try to get the bill. It’ll make things much better!

      • Wannabe Runner :

        Agree. This sounds like a petty gossipy annoyance, but if you have fun on these lunches, and going may give you a business or professional advantage, I would play their game.

        Going out with family is sometimes like this. Dad and Grandpa often fight over the check. It’s a competition as to who is more able to foot the bill. It’s important to show that you are capable of doing this too.

    • Done, paid and all is good in the world. Thanks everyone.

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