Thursday’s Workwear Report: Leopard-Print Skirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Even if your office hasn’t received the memo that the world is heading in a more casual direction, I think midi skirts are slowly making their way into the realm of acceptability for more formal offices. Obviously, it’s not going to work if you’re in a room of people in full suits, but if the men are wearing sport coats and ties and the other women are wearing dresses and non-matching blazers, I think you’d be safe with a midi skirt and a classic-looking blazer.
I love this leopard-print skirt from Mango, but I particularly love the way they’ve styled it here with the belted blazer, for a more formal look.
The skirt is $79.99 and comes in sizes XXS–4X.
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
A classmate recently joked that due to my Midwest accent, I pronounce “merry” “Mary” and “marry” all the same. (He spelled them out, he didn’t say them) It took me a second to understand what he was saying – but he’s right, I do pronounce them all the same. He’s from the east coast. Can any of you enlighten me? Am I doing something wrong?
This is a source of perpetual merriment to my English husband and Scottish-born son, less so with the merry/mary but fairy/ferry. “Mummy, is a little creature going to fly us to the island or will we take a boat?” Didn’t expect to get my pronunciation corrected by my 4-year-old.
Also, your colleague should know it’s rude to correct people’s pronunciation…language is beautiful in its diversity.
Or in this case, it’s uniformity ;)
You could always point out to him that you are not a wrapped-up Egyptian royal, fight pronunciation fire with fire. :p
^ Love this
Haha! It’s true. I find the mummy so cringe. He went though a phase of calling me little mumma.
I hope it was good-natured joking. Because if not, then not only was it rude, but it was ignorant of regional differences and how they have arisen.
I’m not from the mid-west and have spent the better part of my life in the DC region and I pronounce them all the same way as well. I’m not even sure how they should be pronounced to make them all different. Anyway … your coworker is rude.
Same. Midwestern parents and mid Atlantic up bringing and I say them all the same. I don’t know that it’s a Midwestern thing
Agreed. When I went to DC, people always kidded me b/c I came from New York, and they seemed to know that I came from Long Island, just b/c of the way I pronounced various phrases and words. Yes, they were right, but still, we learn at a young age what stays with us for our whole lives. But what made me mad was that it had never been pointed out to me, and each of those that did had their own specific accents. Those that came from places like Kentucky also had accents, as did people from upstate NY. I learned to embrace their accents w/o being critical. Dad told me that those that do criticise are basically a-wipes, and Dad was right! Fooey on those a-wipes!
Also raised in the mid-Atlantic, but by a New Yorker who picks this same fight. There was actually a funny moment when I was about 13 when, despite having been mother and daughter all that time, I had to write something down for her to understand what I was saying.
It’s not wrong, just regional differences. I also first learned to speak English in the midwest, and then moved to the East Coast around 6th grade. Merry vs marry – on the East Coast, there’s a bit more of the short e sound in “merry” vs the short a sound in marry to my ears. Mary vs marry, I have no idea.
I think in practice I say Mary and marry the same, but “marry” in my head has a little bit more emphasis on the first syllable, while the syllables of the name have equal emphasis.
Likewise with “fairy” and “ferry”. A very slight emphasis on the first syllable of ferry – really just including the first r as part of the first syllable. Definitely not exaggerating the first syllable as if using “fairy” as a slur.
NJ native here:
Mary: rhymes with air
Marry: short a. Like cat
Merry: short e. Like pet
Boston native.
Mary: Mair-y
Marry: Mahr-ry
Merry: merr (like “err” but with an m in front)-y
I also pronounce “aunt” and “ant” differently….
Boston native, and agree.
Same here. UK RP was the label my English teacher used.
My name is Mary and I pronounce them all the same. I have never noticed anyone else doing differently. Not saying they don’t, but it must be EXTREMELY subtle. (And, FWIW, I was born in NJ but now live in Chicago.)
That’s funny! I pronounce them all slightly differently – “merry” is faster and slightly lighter sounding, and “Mary” I spend a little longer on the first syllable vs. “marry” although the sounds are the same.
Good natured fun on regional accents can be amusing- I hope it was good-faith banter as opposed to mocking, which would be super rude.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re pronouncing them all right. These are just words that have some regional difference that people do comment on as a joke.
I’m from the East Coast and there is definitely a difference between these 3 words, but its slight and hard to explain.
This NY Times quiz is amazingly accurate and kind of a hoot. Merry, Mary and marry pronunciation is included. Have fun with it. We are all different! https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/dialect-quiz-map.html
That was a fun couple minutes wasted :)
I grew up in the Carolinas and was exceptionally close to my grandparents from upstate New York and I’ve lived in 21 states total! That must be why the map thinks I’m from Omaha in the middle of the country – I’ve picked up a little bit of everywhere ;)
Mischief night = 1000% New Jersey right here
My college roommate and I are from opposite sides of Pennsylvania and we got a good laugh out of this issue. My mind was completely blown when she told me those words were all pronounced differently (I’m originally from western Pa. where we are much more like the Midwest in our dialect). There is certainly nothing “wrong” with either way – just different!
Ah, western PA. I work closely with our Pittsburgh branch, and the way they can’t be bothered with the verb “to be” takes getting used to. “This needs done by Friday.” Wut?
the joke I’ve always heard about that one- in Pittsburgh, the famous quote would just be “or not, that is the question.”
It’s not wrong it’s just different. I’m from
NJ and all of those words are pronounced differently.
Long Islander and same. I read somewhere that the ny area is the only place where we do this. I think it’s a fun quirk and I have pointed it out to someone from Colorado too.
I hope the person wasn’t as upset as the op here. I think we’re all losing our regional accents and it’s a little sad. I’m 40 and notice that none of the doctors and lawyers my age speak like Tony fauci. There’s a reason for that- bad classist assumptions based one ones’ “dems and dos.” So I always think what’s left of them -slight differences in pronunciation – are charming.
I’m from the Chicago suburbs and never thought I had an accent until I went away to college and roomed with people from New Jersey, New Orleans, Philly, and LA. My flat “As” were an endless source of amusement and while it came from love, I definitely felt like there was some subtle condescension there and that my accent was less cool or sophisticated than the ones that were deemed cute. I was embarrassed and didn’t even realize I was working hard to eliminate it until I came home at Christmas break, only to be mocked (lovingly) by my FAMILY who said I had adapted a stuffy new accent.
I have since then traveled a ton and lived all over, and now I definitely hear the accent of my hometown. Mine comes out if I’m around all family, but otherwise I’m told it’s pretty neutral. FWIW, my family is still convinced they have no accent.
This is a common example of different regional speech patterns – there are some fun quizzes out there that give a lot of these and guess where you’re from based on your answers.
We moved south when I was in Elementary school, and when we studied homophones, my teacher gave the example of “pin” and “pen.” I thought she was insane -those are completely different sounding words to me!
Aww, this reminds me of a story my midwestern mom tells about moving to the south. My mom was volunteering in my elementary school classroom one day when the teacher asked everyone to get out the “crowns.” My mother looked around for little cut out hats to put on our heads, and everyone else started drawing with crayons. You know, crowns.
My husband says crowns and I hate it! His speech (northern VA) is mostly his mother’s (Maryland towards the bay). My family is southern and we don’t say crown (and we wouldn’t consider that part of Maryland to be southern).
Interesting! This was definitely deed south in the mid-80s…I also don’t really consider MD “southern” and didn’t realize this was a MDism!
Years ago when I took a job serving a more rural clientele in downstate (really, central) Illinois, I was very confused during a meeting about the problems with “bowling” in schools. I sat back and listened, and listened, and listened. Eventually I realized the participants were talking about bullying. Made a bit more sense why we were all so very concerned!
Saaaaame. That NYT regional dialect quiz totally pegs me on two things – sneakers (NJ) and 18-wheelers (MS).
I’m east coast, we do say them all different from each other. It’s NBD, just regional differences. Look up “Aaron Earned An Iron Urn (Baltimore Accent)” on YouTube for a similar laugh.
Heh that was funny.
Do you also pronounce roof as “ruff” and say “supper” for lunch? My midwest family does and I think it’s a charming quirk :)
Oh that’s interesting – I’ve lived in the Midwest my whole life and I’ve never heard supper for lunch. One set of grandparents called lunch dinner and dinner supper.
Supper is an evening meal. Like “supper club” is not where you go for lunch. And lunch is dinner.
Ah, I swapped them! You’re right. I was VERY confused by this as a kid but find it so charming now :)
My family, too. Big Sunday dinner was around 1pm.
Interesting – growing up, lunch was the midday meal and supper was the evening meal, but dinner was the big midday meal on Sunday or a holiday! Now I mostly use dinner for the evening meal. Also midwest.
It’s dinner. My South Dakota grandma served dinner at noon. And it was the big meal of the day, because they lived on a farm and fed the farm hands.
I’m from Cincinnati, and I’m sitting at my desk muttering “merrry marry Marry” trying to figure out how I say them.
I LOVE regional linguistics. My parents grew up 50 miles from each other and they pronounce certain words differently.
My parents grew up in different neighborhoods of the same section (maybe 5 miles apart?) of Philly and they have different accents!
I’m from the Midwest and I do too… never knew that was unusual.
Grew up in Chicago, grad school in Michigan, then moved to Maryland. My first few years here, people loved to hear me say “Maryland” and “basketball” and “baptism” because of the long As. I didn’t mind, I thought it was funny that so many of them called their state Murland.
I definitely notice my relatives’ Midwest accents more when I go back to Chicago. But I also learned that there’s a Maryland/Baltimore accent that I did not know about before I moved here!
OMG you are totally right on Murland (but it’s not all of them, just a subset but I can’t pin down what makes up that subset).
“Bawl’more” ;)
To be fair, I’m still confused by Murland, as another transplant to the area. And then there’s also the Eastern Shore accent!
I’ve tried to recreate the Baltimore/Maryland accent (let’s say, from the area of MD closer to PA than DC). It’s like they put a Y in front of Os – so “home” becomes “hyyome.” I can’t quite describe it, but I recognize it when I hear it now.
Accents are fascinating! And I’m familiar with the dropping of the “to be” common to parts of PA and OH – I find it extremely weird, to be honest. Or, honest.
There’s a bit on 30 Rock about Avery Jessup (Elizabeth Banks’ character) having a Maryland accent early in her career.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cefj215AlCc
I am a native Marylander, and I think the Baltimore version is more like “Bawldimore, Merraland” rather than what others are suggesting.
I grew up in MD and remember watching a John Waters movie in college where everyone turned to me at the end and said, “Do people REALLY talk like that down there?” I didn’t – my parents were Midwesterners so they yelled at me when I said “Murland” and “wooder,” but my friends and teachers sure did!
Grew up in Michigan and when I moved to DC people would ask me to say “fantastic.” Never realized I had an accent until then! I can totally hear it when I visit Michigan or talk to friends and family from there.
We moved to California from Illinois when I was a kid, and the girls in da-ance class got a big kick out of how I said ta-ap. Thus started my lifelong and mostly futile attempt to eradicate my Midwest accent…
I’m from the South and also pronounce them the same. I also pronounce Jim, gym, and gem the same. A non-native speaker pointed this out to me when we were kids and spent a while trying to teach me to say them differently. I can’t, apparently.
Gemstone
Jimstone
I don’t think these words would sound the same.
I’m from the south and Jim is a two-syllable name.
Let’s hope no one has seen me at my desk trying to pronounce these differently. The verdict? I cannot make them sound different. These are all the same to me. I was born in the (not deep) south and have lived in the Midwest for 10 years now. I have pretty much completely lost the touch of southern accent I had. I do think that society as a whole is losing accents, at least on the extreme sides. My parents have a southern accent but even when I lived at home I never had as thick of an accent as they do.
Since we are all sitting at our desks trying out words, here are mine that sound the same:
pail/pale/pal… I can’t make pal sound different than the first two. I love the dialect quizes!
wait what?! Do you pronounce Kate and cat the same way too? Same difference in “a” sound…
Nope, Kate and cat are very different. I am sitting here trying make sail/pail sound different than sale/pale – I can when I really think about my tongue, but it doesn’t come out that way on its own!
But that is because they sound the same! Long A sound, as in Ale.
Those two of the three actually do sound the same – my confusion was how “pal” isn’t different from the other two, as the vowel pronunciation for “pal” is the same as “cat” where Kate and Pale and Pail all have the long a!
My sister moved to Texas many years ago, and now she talks about when someone hurts her “fillings” and it Cracks Me Up.
I say this in my lazy California accent where merry, Mary, and marry are the same, and we don’t care.
You would have laughed at my conversation with my east coast native husband where I talked about my former colleague Erin, and he thought I was talking about a different person, Aaron, because I pronounce those two names exactly the same way.
My sister is in TX too and she has a very soft Southern accent now. I definitely have more of a brittle CA accent than I did when I moved out here, but you put a few drinks in me and it gets very Dundalk (MD).
Also, I don’t see how you’d distinguish between fairy and ferry.
The difference is “fhay-re” vs “f-ehri” to my Scots ear. In Scotland its ay vs eh for the vowel.
I’m curious – do you add an “h” in there too? To my American ear my British colleagues pronounce these as “f-h-airy” and “f-h-erry” – maybe it’s a posh accent thing?
We don’t deliberately add it, it’s just how it’s pronounced here. Just the slightest hint of a breathy h. I put it in to try and show that the f in front of fa or fi is slightly longer, almost a fh, whereas the f of fi or fo is shorter
Ditto!
It’s very subtle, but I think it’s related to the syllables: fair-y vs. fer-ry
I think that in fairy and Mary, the long A sound hangs in the air a wee bit longer. They sound different, but so ever so slightly.
OTOH, I had a BF once who was *not* Canadian who made the vowels in “about” and “boot” sound the same. Native English speaker who grew up in the US.
It is a VERY slight difference, and I speak with a ‘midatlantic’ accent – fairy is pronounced to emphasize the ‘fair’ sound, FAIR-y, where ferry is pronounced with no real accent on any of the syllables and you almost swallow the “ferr” sound.
I think this stuff is fascinating too fwiw, there are a lot of accent/dialect accounts on TikTok that I get a kick out off!
Northeast pronunciation:
Fehh-rey takes you to Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard.
Fair-rey is what my daughter was for Halloween.
Yep.
Yep! The one with wings gets a dip in the middle, like Dairy, and the boat is flat, like Perry.
We have an old family friend who grew up in Virginia and she says herbs with an H and Basil like Ba-sil Faulty (not bay-sil) and I love it so much that I have to bite my tongue not to do it after our visits with her just because it sounds so charming when she says it but would just sound pretentious and/or odd if I did it.
It would be so dull if everyone sounded exactly the same. And ditto for regional slang – I still find the idea of “wicked awesome” as delightful as when I first heard it from a Boston friend in 8th grade.
I don’t see how you could possibly say them the same!
I pronounce them both like “fairy.” From the south, for reference.
A and e are different
Except when they aren’t.
It’s a difference in vowel length and emphasis on the syllables, in my case (UK accent).
Me too (U.K. RP – stereotypical BBC English, softened somewhat since moving to Scotland).
Words that sound the same for me are tide and tied – but in my friends’ Edinburgh accents they sound different.
If anyone has ever taken the Staten Island Ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island, you’d hear the automated female voice saying “Welcome to the Staten Island Ferry” but the pronunciation of Ferry sounds just like “Fairy” (as in Cinderella and the Good Fairy”) . My Dad pointed this out to me and he made a private comment to me that there were plenty of people on the Ferry who were heteros. Im just saying that we have multiple local pronounciations here which are equally peculiar.
Fairy rhymes with hairy, and ferry rhymes with merry. not the same at all!
Looking for input on a jewelry purchase I’m about to make. I’m going to buy an aquamarine pendant necklace, which I’d like to wear routinely, maybe 3-4 days a week. To my eye, aquamarine looks most beautiful in silver / white gold settings, but I’m otherwise solidly a yellow gold jewelry wearer. My engagement ring, wedding ring, daily earrings, and watch are all yellow gold. Would it be weird to mix in a white gold necklace with all of the above? Alternatively, would aquamarine still look as nice in a yellow gold setting?
I chose a wedding band that has alternating texured layers of yellow and white gold. IMO adding a two-tone piece is enough to tie it all together.
I also agree that aquamarine would look best in a cool-toned setting.
Mix away. Metals are meant to be mixed, and matching looks dated.
I agree that silver toned metals best accent aquamarine. Personally, I would buy that and just wear without concern about metals. My concern for you is that if yellow good is what looks best with your coloring, the cooler tones of an aquamarine and silver necklaces may be less flattering and less likely to work with colors you wear regularly.
+1. Mixing metals is totally fine IMO. My daily-wear watch is rose gold, and my wedding ring is platinum, so I start every day mixed and layer in silver or gold from there!
Definitely get silver with the aquamarine and mix away! I’ve seen people purposely layer necklaces in different metals and it looks great!
Mix away but an aquamarine teardrop-shaped stone pendant is one of my few pieces in yellow gold and I think they look great together even though I am usually on team silver. Go to a jeweler and see if you can check one out in person maybe? I think it looks very different against skin than it would on an e-commerce platform with a stark white background.
Personally I’d skip the purchase and go for something else. I’m the opposite in that all my everyday jewelry is silver in color (wedding ring, different sizes of diamond studs, etc.) I love morganite, but I know it looks better in rose gold or gold. I have some a very expensive ring now that I never wear because mixing the metals just feels off. People will say you can do it. But it just never looks as good as staying cohesive to my eye. If I’m wearing jewelry, I want to look polished. At any rate, if you have hesitancy, I’d listen to that. Because the last thing you want is something very pretty sitting in a drawer that almost never gets worn.
I have aquamarine jewelry in both yellow gold and white gold/silver and I love both. The gold feels more warm and inviting and sort of casual; the silver is icy and formal. (Maybe that’s just me or the pieces I happen to have, I don’t think there’s anything inherently casual about gold or formal about silver.) Nothing wrong with mixing metals either.
It is my firm belief that all metals are neutrals, and all neutrals go together. So.
I have a gorgeous aquamarine and pearl ring in yellow gold. I know what you mean about silver as the aquamarine and the silver are both cool toned, but the yellow gold really sets off the blue of the stone. It would not look weird to have a yellow gold setting for your pendant – I think it would be lovely.
Depending on the pendant, it might look good to be in a white gold setting and have a gold chain.
not a pendant, but I think this would look fine with the chain in gold.
https://nicolerosejewelry.com/collections/all/products/aquamarine-and-diamond-pendant
Mine are set in white gold, which I prefer. Rose go.d would work but not yellow gold.
Any Twin Cities recs for a certified financial planner who works on a retainer basis, rather than a percent of assets under management? TIA!
Lauri Salverda at Castlerock Financial Planning. She’s in Mendota Heights.
Don Drogemueller at Peak Financial!
I’m looking for free or low cost room planning software; as we finish up a remodel and prepare to move back in, I’m hoping to spend some time playing with different furniture configurations before moving day. Would prefer one that works on a PC (as opposed to only on Iphone or Ipad) and isn’t too hard to figure out how to use. I have the blueprints so I have all the room dimensions, window/door placements, etc which is helpful. Need something with drag and drop pieces of furniture than can be scaled to what I own. Goal is to have movers put the furniture in exactly the spots I want, without needing to move it again. Not looking for furniture recommendations/purchases, so have not checked out the online decorator sites like Modsy, but is that an option for those who have used?
Spoak is what you’re looking for.
https://www.spoak.com/
Ballard Designs has a free online room planner that I have uses to do this before. http://ballarddesigns.icovia.com/
I use magicplan, but I use it on iPad. I don’t actually know if there’s a PC app.
How do you get over grass is greener mentality? There’s always a seemingly better job, cooler city or neighborhood, etc etc.
I really felt this when I went to college. I was convinced that by going to a fancy school I’d transform my life. In reality I was the same anxious mess I would have been at any other college. Really want to avoid this mentality now, but I still feel it sometimes with house, job, and even spouse/kid envy. What techniques do you use to be happy with what you have and where you are right now?
Getting older and having a significant health issue has helped with this, though I don’t recommend the latter.
Same. 0/10 recommended for health issues, but they have a way of clarifying your thinking.
My meditation practice keeps me grounded, as does journaling. A lot of people like to do a daily gratitude journal which would be good for this. I love my life and am very content and being appreciative of what I have is now, generally, a natural state for me. If I find myself being envious of someone/something, I remind myself that my life is great (it is) and that I have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life/the grass is most definitely not always greener.
It’s not going to be an overnight mind shift. It will take time and dedication to changing how you think about things.
I’ll add that you should also take some time to really think critically about why you feel this way. Is it how insecurity or low-self esteem is manifesting? If yes, dig into that. Is it because you want to make changes in your life but are scared to do so? If yes, dig into that. Etc. You have to figure out why you are envious in order to truly make the change in your mindset.
+1 to a gratitude practice and remembering that only you gets to decide what you actually care about.
I think it centers me mentally when I talk to friends who live in other places and hear about the struggles each place brings. Every location has its downsides…from weather, cost, convenience, distance from friends/family, ease of travel. Also, just regularly taking stock of the positives of where you are now. For me, for example, if you had told my 22-year-old self that I would be buying a house in my home city it would have felt very lame, but I have old friends and family here, and live in a cute and friendly neighborhood, and can look forward to travelling (including visiting my friends in those other cities). Also, I have found a lot of joy in taking pleasure in the little everyday things – cuddling my dogs, my fiancé, my lazy weekend mornings with coffee, in a home that I care for, my pretty stuff I’ve collected. The things that make me the most content are the things that make me feel most connected to those around me and allow me to me myself.
Also, social media is a lie as to what it is like to actually live in a place, or have a certain job. For real, don’t buy into it.
There’s the maximiser/satisfacier (sp?) distinction, which likely applies to you.
Since you mentioned getting into a fancy school and transforming your life, think about what you’re trying to accomplish and what is the best route to get there. If you have job envy, is it because other people make more money or have “cooler” responsibilities or titles? If it’s about money, ask yourself what is missing in your life that more money would solve. If it’s about responsibilities, look for those in your own life (work or not-work).
There are tremendous benefits to going to a “fancy” school. Everyone there is really, really smart, which makes for an amazing intellectual atmosphere. Professors teach to a higher level, tests are harder, and you have to work harder to keep up. Your friends are ambitious and passionate people. Your alumni network is outstanding. None of that – NONE – will transform an anxious person into a not-anxious person. The only thing it really does is to get you out of high school b.s. where smart kids are made fun of, and put you into an atmosphere where being brilliant is cool. You can’t look to a school to solve your anxiety.
You can’t look for fulfillment in things that aren’t designed to give you *that particular type* of fulfillment.
I think I would focus on the “anxious mess” situation. That seems to be the real problem, no?
I had a similar mindset as you. Childhood was rough, and I longed to escape. Went to fancy school. Was still anxious. So escaped overseas to a completely different environment. Still an anxious mess. Crossed the country for more school in a completely different city/life focus. Still an anxious mess.
Similarly to the other poster mentioned, it was only once true disaster happened in my life that I put things into proper perspective. Once you see death, disability, family disruption, job loss, financial instability etc… it is easier to adjust your mindset.
I recommend not waiting for that. I would try to get your anxiety treated.
Sleep well, cut down on alcohol and caffeine, exercise daily (walking is fine! in the sunlight!), get a fun social outlet/hobby, volunteer, learn to do mindfulness meditation. If that doesn’t work… Anxiety workbook. And now…. have a yearly physical with your primary care doctor. Make sure your thyroid/B12/vitamin D etc.. are all good. And tell her that you are struggling with anxiety. Decide together whether a medication or counseling is the right start for you.
I say that life is a series of imperfect choices. There will always be pros and cons no matter how you weigh the options. And you don’t really know until you’re in that other place. Life is also impermanent. Don’t love your house? It doesn’t have to be forever. Don’t love your job? It also doesn’t have to be forever. Sometimes you do want to try the other side out and see for yourself so that you don’t always have to wonder. So basically, I tell myself it’s okay to stay where I am, but I do have options and I’m not trapped.
I find time travel movies helpful with this – change one tiny thing and everything else changes. So when I start to think “I wish X was different..” I also imagine that if X was different, Y may be different and Z and lots of other things that I love. So let’s say I wish that my parents forced me to do sports as a kid, well, they wouldn’t be my parents then, they would be the kind of people who forced me to do something I resisted doing because I’d rather stay home and read, etc., and I really love my parents… Same with schools. Sure it would have been nice if I went to __, but then I wouldn’t have met all the friends I met that I love or Mr. AIMS or maybe something bad would have happened there… You get the idea.
The other thing to remember is what you already know: “I was convinced that by going to a fancy school I’d transform my life. In reality I was the same anxious mess I would have been at any other college.” I had an epiphany about this sort of thing myself – you are who you are. I remember wanting a very fancy handbag when I was young because it seemed to me that everyone had one. I finally got one and felt embarrassed every time someone asked me who made it. It was a good lesson to not want things just because that’s what other people have/are doing.
The book The Midnight Library involves something very similar to your first paragraph about ife choices and how seeing how something different you might wish for or regret not have done might turn out.
Ooh, I may have to read this. I am weirdly obsessed with this whole genre – everything from Sliding Doors on down. Thanks!
I definitely recommend The Midnight Library if this sort of thing interests you!
I find it weirdly helpful to kind of lean into those feelings and really imagine what it would be like if I had whatever the thing is.
Ok, so I live in a cooler neighborhood. What would my daily routine be? What would I do in the weekends? Is it the same as I do now? Is it different? Am I really sure I’ll do those different things, or do I want to fantasize about being a person who does those things? I often find one of two things. Option 1 is that when I spend a lot of time thinking about the choice in detail, I realize it would change very little but have some drawbacks. Option 2 is that it is actually appealing, and then I explore that choice more.
Also, and this is basically the opposite of what many people say, but I find it helpful to follow influencers who are in my exact life phase. So they share big ticket characteristics (don’t have kids, live in my part of the city, etc). I find my grass is greener feeling tends to come from people I know who have made different choices, and following people who are more like me is very comforting.
I’m in my mid fifties, still working, but working a lot less than I did in my “peak” years, and also earning less. It’s a choice I made, but I have to remind myself over and over that I chose this when I see someone on my prior path continuing to succeed.
I had dinner last week with a group of prior work friends, most of whom are a decade older than me and retired. The entirety of the conversation was about how much money other people have, peppered with mentions of people who had died. (lots of people) I did not have a great time at that dinner, but I came home re-focused on my goal of working less and enjoying my life in these years where my husband is retired and I’m not. Each day is a gift, and no amount of money or second homes or flashy purchases is going to buy you more life.
I somehow managed to hurt my neck/shoulder on my left side while sleeping last week, and it’s still bothering me. I’m wondering if a new pillow would help this. I’m a stomach / side sleeper – any recommendations for pillows?
I’m a side sleeper, and I love our Casper pillows.
I’m a stomach/side sleeper as well and also love my Casper pillows.
Sleep Number pillows are great for side sleeping. Just make sure to use one of those dust covers in addition to a pillow case, because they are pricey.
The firmest possible pillow. I like my Casper pillow.
Coop Home Goods pillows on am*zon, they come with extra stuffing so you can customize how much stuffing you want in it.
Also a side sleeper and I love my Coop pillows, but you can buy them directly from them rather than Am*zon.
I have a contour pillow I bought ages ago on Amazon. It is no longer showing in a search, but I am also a side sleeper, and this shape of pillow seems to help with the support I need.
I recently got a body pillow that’s been a game changer.
I recently went through this as well and tried something like 7 pillows over a few months, including the Casper based on the recommendation here. The winner, hands down, was a Saatva Latex pillow. It took a few days to adjust, but not only is the pinching feeling in my neck gone, it also has dramatically reduced my teeth clenching. I like it so much I’m thinking about splurging on a mattress.
For those who like Casper pillows – which do you have: the original, the foam pillow, the hybrid…? I’m a side sleeper and in the market.
Recent posts have me curious: if you’re in a relationship, how tumultuous was your beginning?
When I met my now husband I was struck by how sure I felt with him. I would never had classified my previous relationships as dramatic, but their was an undercurrent of uncertainty/does he like me/self editing/people pleasing in them that I didn’t realize was there until I met Husband.
I also don’t want to pretend it was all sunshine and roses- there were some significant issues we faced. He’s more conservative than I am and I definitely questioned what I was willing to compromise on in a long term relationship. He was dealing with anxiety early on and I had some significant issues with my job.
Husband and my relationship previous to husband were both easy in the beginning, despite having plenty of reasons not to be (life changes, learning to communicate with a new person, figuring out if this is “it”).
Some of the best advice I ever got was that if it’s a struggle in the beginning, it’s never going to get better.
Zero tumult. I don’t like it. I don’t stick around for it.
This. Zero tumult is the amount I’m willing to tolerate.
+1. Everything about my relationship has been easy and comfortable. Even when we disagree or have hard things to handle it’s just not a big deal.
My husband = easy from the get go and still is. Best friends and partners in every way. Had I realized it could be this easy, I’d had dumped allllll the frogs much faster and never tried so hard to make things work. Younger me wouldn’t have listened and would have written all those tortured posts we’ve seen recently.
+1
+Millions, all of this.
This for sure. I’d just gotten out of a 15-year marriage that was Tumultous with a capital T, and on our first date, my husband said of his late wife “she was always nice to me, and I was always nice to her, and there was never anything to fight about.” I though “oh, man. I want some of that!” And now I have it and it’s great. No tumult, TYVM.
We had a ton of drama, all of it caused by his parents and sibling. They are messy, needy, codependent nightmares. Once we got some distance, everything smoothed out.
I was anxious just in general, so there was some of that, but it was by and large pretty easy and delightful. Marriage, especially marriage with a small child and cancer, has been more work, but I think that’s kind of expected.
No tumult. It felt easy and natural.
Early days are the easiest part – you’re crushing and chatty and everything is new – if it’s bad then, why would it get better when you start sharing more of life’s stresses??
+1
I don’t mean to be a smug married, but what characterized my relationship with my now-husband over previous boyfriends was how proactive he was. He texted me regularly, planned ‘date-y dates’, introduced me to friends, emailed throughout the day, etc. Did I still have nerves/doubt, yes of course. But overall, it was clear that he was interested and invested – I wasn’t chasing him, or parsing ‘sup’ type of texts for deeper meaning. We also have similar jobs and family backgrounds which is kind of rare (we both work in white collar jobs but came from more blue collar families and bonded over how that can be hard). I think almost all of my friends would say similar things about their husbands – when a guy is into you it’s pretty clear.
After twenty years of dating, I am very averse to anything remotely resembling “smug married” and cosign all of this. It’s really hard to find someone, and it’s made harder when people don’t tell you to cut your losses. I was under heavy pressure by my family to “make it work” with any dude who maybe expressed interest in me. (Yes, they thought I should be pathetic and desperate. No, I don’t talk to them anymore, why do you ask?) All it did was waste my time and mess me up for functional relationships.
I’m never going to say that there’s something wrong with a woman because she’s only finding lame, immature man-boys. I’m just going to give the advice that it’s not worth the effort to transform them into something better. Spoiler alert: it won’t work and if it does, he’ll dump you and marry the next girl he dates.
Tumultuous. We hadn’t been dating each other or other people. I hadn’t previously had any interest in relationships or marriage (I was strongly on team “men are too headache”). We were from different parts of the country. His family was against us being together, and my family was being a nightmare in other ways. So going forward was a big upheaval because of the conflict and life changes involved. We definitely fought too, but I think was a lot of external stressors/family of origin issues and youth/first relationship issues? Looking back so many years later, it feels like another life!
Tumultuous. I think I thought that drama was how your forged a real connection? I was, of course, really wrong. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to start practicing calmness, stability and seeing tumult as a red flag not a sign of strong connection.
Pretty chill… my husband was grappling with an autism diagnosis which had some unexpected impacts but we just liked each other, and made each other laugh, and had a lot of love and respect for each other. We got engaged at 6 months, basically after some mellow chats confirming we were on the same page re kids etc. Married after 18 months together. 8 years later PhD, a child, a pandemic, a move, and a job that makes my husband the solo parent 1/3 of the time, and we still really really adore each other.
Like we have to work to keep our lives on track, stay connected, make time for intimacy but it’s not an ordeal.
Could have written your second paragraph. My husband was straightforward, engaged, and steady from day 1. If he said he was going to text, he texted. If he wanted to hang out, he told me. He just consistently showed up in a way that I’d never experienced before.
That’s not to say that the first six months of our relationship were issue-free–I had some baggage and anxiety, he had broken off an engagement fairly recently before we met and was dealing with some of the lingering logistical fallout–but we never took that stuff out on each other.
Not tumultuous at all. And not what I would call tumultuous at any time in the subsequent 20+ years. And to reference yesterday’s post, we didn’t have to put in any “work” on it either. When it’s right it’s right. Sorry if this sounds smug – I don’t feel like I did anything particular to deserve this state of affairs, I just got lucky in meeting the right person. (FYI, DH believes there’s a right person for everyone, and that person is usually located within your area code/zip code, so it’s not like you have to try meet that one unicorn person among the world wide population of 7 billion).
I recently looked back at my bullet journal from when we were getting together, and there were so many days with “fight with [now DH]”! I think it was healthy, as we were figuring out how to communicate with each other and meet each other’s needs. This reduced dramatically as our relationship aged from 3 months – 9 months.
On the flipside, our gardening was WAY more frequent back then, so definitely a tradeoff ;)
I dated a guy for 3 years that was stressful and a lot of work (for us both). we both badly tried to make it work. We broke up and I started casually seeing the guy that is now my DH. I was struck by how absolutely easy it was to be with him. It was a weight lifted I didn’t know I’d been carrying.
Over time, we hit relationship issues–serious and frivolous- but we fought fairly and i feel like with mutual respect.
With Old Boyfriend, everything was high drama (for both of us). With now-DH, nothing was high drama.
I was sure immediately with my partner. And I was 37 so it wasn’t like I didn’t have experience.
The only tumult was centered on drastically I knew my life would change (we did not live on the same coast and I wanted to move, I had organized my life around being single, etc) but there was no tumult in our actual relationship. In fact he is the easiest and best part of my life everyday.
Lots o’ tumult. We met in college. He broke my heart. We were on and off again and then even when we were on, long distance for nearly a decade, including internationally. I dated others but somehow always was drawn back to him. He figured his ish out. We moved in together, got engaged, and got married almost a decade ago. Have a kid. He is a phenomenal partner, and all of that insecurity that characterized our early years and lead to bad behavior on both sides has evaporated.
It’s remarkable because if I was watching another woman have that experience, I would never ever suggest that it will work out. But I think we both needed to grow up, and we did, and we love each other and love our life together.
Anon @ 12:22pm below, fully agree with all of this, especially the second paragraph.
whoa – I’d say your experience is one in a million!
My experience probably isn’t like most. I’ve been married for 15 years. We had an amazing first date and he didn’t call me. So after a week I called him. Actually, I sent him an article about an unidentified dead body in a lake in the town where he lived and questioned whether it was him and that it must be since I hadn’t heard from him. (We then proceeded to have more amazing dates and within a few months we were engaged.) We get along ridiculously well about the important stuff–we share identical values and very similar perspectives on the world. I trust him implicitly and honestly strive to be more like him a lot of ways. I love and respect him and feel loved and respected back. That said, the first couple of years of marriage were HARD. It wasn’t a honeymoon stage. I felt like I didn’t have enough space after living by myself for so long (Why are you talking to me while I’m trying to shower? What do you mean I need to clear plans with you?). There was also getting used to being roommates. And I became a step mom, which obviously had its own host of things where I had to adjust to a new normal and recognize I won’t come first. And I inherited some awful sister in laws. I definitely wondered a few times if I should leave. I may have even threatened it. By year three, things started to get settled. Stepson and I really got closer. By year 5, I’d say it was bliss and has continued to be so. I wake up everyday now very happy with my life. No arguments between us–like I literally can’t think of the last time we had any big disagreement. It’s been years. The most we’ll do now is tease each other about a messy cabinet or that sort of thing. As I look back, I think I might have been a lot of the source of that early drama. I’m glad he’s as steady as he is.
When I met my husband it was one of those “I just knew” moments, so I knew we were in it for the long haul.
Unfortunately we were both on guard for things that had happened in our prior relationships (we are each other’s second spouses) so we had to get past that. But at one point when we were dating, he said “relationships take work” when we were arguing about something stupid. I responded that the early months of a relationship should be the fun days and that if we were having to “work” on it then, I took it as a sign that we weren’t compatible. And that was my truth. I was sick to death of arguing, which is all my first husband and I had done for years, and I just wanted some peace. If I couldn’t get peace in a new relationship, I really didn’t want it.
I wish I could say that cured my now-husband’s tendency to turn everything into an argument. It didn’t cure it. But it did significantly curb it. I learned not to sweat the small stuff as much (ie don’t nitpick) and he has learned, somewhat, not to be so defensive. We’ve made it work for 23 years now so I guess I would call it a success!
Getting with my now-husband was like climbing into a warm, comfy featherbed after my previous relationship, which was high-conflict/high-drama from the beginning. I had come to think (and had actually been told by that boyfriend) that “when people are passionately in love it’s normal to fight a lot.” And then when my husband and I got together I found out you can have passion for someone and not fight like cats and dogs all the time. It was, and still is, easy to be with my husband, we rarely fight and when we do we can end it productively. I think if there’s tons of drama from the outset, people really need to consider whether or not that’s a sign of passion or a sign of incompatibility.
That’s such a good way to describe it, I love it.
OMG. I had to check whether I wrote this. I frequently describe our relationship that way. Comfiest, sweetest thing I know. So glad to hear others feel the same way!
Not tumultuous but definitely not a cake walk. It was very clear we liked each other, but we were both pretty introverted in a very extroverted environment (a boisterous undergrad party school with an aggressive dating scene which I think skewed my perception) and it took him a while to open up and more time to commit. I actually posted here… 10 years ago? while we were dating that his very low frequency communication style was driving me insane and the consensus was to break up with him. We’re still together, married, have the most precious baby, and he’s the best partner.
Super easy. That’s why I picked him as the one to marry. Drama is a sign of a problem either with the person or relationship.
My relationship with my husband was miles away easier than a previous long term relationship that I thought would turn into marriage ever was. Being myself around him was easier, communicating was easier, having fun was easier. Every single part of it. There were some issues because he had been considering moving back to his home country before we were serious enough to make that decision together but after the point where it was clear we loved each other a lot. There was very little drama (that I accept responsibility for) and he ultimately decided to stay anyway. My favorite memories from the beginning of our relationship are about how big of a crush I had on him. I seriously felt like I was in middle school again. I hadn’t felt that way in any other adult relationship I’d been in. I’m happy my instincts were right!
My ex was a jerk. He did not believe in dentistry and his political views were to say the least peculiar. He always wanted me to follow his lead at the polls, but I did not. I always voted the way I wanted to and was not influenced by anyone, let alone him. He also demanded that I be his vassal, even tho I was the breadwinner throughout our relationship. I gave him room, board and companionship when he was ousted from his job for being drunk and not passing the CPA test, but I never held it over him while I progressed in my own career. Getting rid of that albatros was the smartest thing I ever did, as he was a 100% loser. Good riddance, even tho I have no boyfreind now.
I feel like if I want to see my friends, I have to be the one to reach out and ask to make plans. I’m single, WFH, and live alone so my friends are my social life, and I love them dearly, but I often find myself feeling like I need to make more friends, or new friends who are more excited about being friends with me and reach out to invite me to stuff. It’s particularly weird because my two best friends are also best friends with each other, and they’ll often have plans that I would love to be invited to, but I don’t get the invite. For example, we would ride bikes together a lot last summer, but yesterday when I asked one of them about their plans for this weekend, they told me they were riding bikes with my other friend. I would have loved to have been invited to that as I don’t have plans this weekend yet, and don’t get why they wouldn’t have included me in an activity that we would often do all three of us? I find every week I’m a bit anxious about not having plans for the weekend and a bit sad because they always seem to have weekend plans but don’t invite me to them. A few times lately I’ve just kind of invited myself when they’re doing something together on the weekend (after checking that I wasn’t intruding – which in itself makes me feel unwanted) and we always have such a great time, so I’m confused about why I don’t get the invite when the next weekend comes around. I enjoy my own company but I do spend a lot of time a lone and it gets old, especially on the weekend when everyone else seems to have plans with friends. I’m tired of always having to be the one to organize plans and it leaves me feeling pretty left out and lonely sometimes. Is this just normal for adult friendships or should I figure out how to make better friends? If so, how!?
Doing things with friends requires making plans and not keeping score. Some people are better at it than others. I’m married but love my friends and think friend time is invaluable so I plan. I always have an invite out to friends for different things and I just accept I’m the planner. And honestly, it’s nice because the planner usually has a little more control over what you do by the nature of making the plan. That’s part one of your question. On your other pals hanging out without you, they probably get along one on one in a way they don’t with you added in the mix. That’s okay. Threesomes are a different feeling than twosomes. Continue to make plans but I’d also add other friends to the mix – they seem like besties and you’re the third. Nothing wrong with that but don’t look to it to fulfill your need for a BFF.
I disagree with this. If you’re always the one initiating, making plans, researching, making reservations, while your friends don’t lift a finger, I’d be annoyed! Obviously I can understand if someone is very busy due to work or family issues but if this is the norm, I just wouldn’t put that much effort in.
That’s a choice you make though. A lot of people are happy to do things but don’t have the energy or inclination to plan. If it bothers you more to plan than to see your friends, then don’t plan. But if you want an active social life you need to make it happen. I think a lot of people want things to magically happen without any effort.
I don’t think that’s what OP is saying. It seems to me like she doesn’t want to plan every single thing. That feels like a reasonable give and take for friendship. Or maybe I’m mostly friends with planners. When people never ask me along, they tend to fade away. I feel like my best friendships have a good mix of me intimating, them initiating, both of us meeting up spontaneously.
That’s scorekeeping. What does it do other than make you unhappy? Seriously. What’s the upside?
I guess it’s nice that you have gotten to a place where you don’t have emotions about this issue?
I think for a lot of people (me included!) you gauge interest in how much effort people seem to be putting forth in the relationship. This includes reaching out to initiate plans. If a woman on here was dating someone and said she had to plan every single date and initiate every single contact, others would (rightly) tell her to consider whether the other person is fully interested in pursuing a relationship. The same is true for friendship.
There are people who are fun to be around and who I love having in my life. But they don’t reach out and they never plan or invite me to anything. These are not people I’d consider my best friends or who I know I could lean on if something happened.
The people I know I can lean on are the ones who sometimes do reach out, even if I do the majority of the planning. I know they care about me because their actions show this. It’s perfectly normal and valid to want relationships where everyone shares in taking the lead sometimes. I don’t think that’s “keeping score;” I think it’s gauging whether the person is still equally interested or invested in the friendship.
I was like this for a long time, and then I got tired of always being the person reaching out, making the plan, figuring out the logistics, confirming people’s attendance, etc. Then I realized, I have one group of friends where getting together is not that much work, and I am not always the one asking. It was just another group of friends where I was the one doing all the heavy lifting. So I stopped doing any planning or inviting for that other friend group, and we now haven’t seen each other in months, and that’s fine. I am trying, more and more, to apply the “if they wanted to, they would” philosophy to my life because it simplifies things so much.
I feel like I could have written this. I’ve stayed hanging out more, getting closer to and spending more time with a group that was formerly peripheral because they’re fun and they invite me to a lot more than other groups have
A few things here. Be the plan initiator. That’s usually my role and honestly yes, sometimes it stinks and I stop doing it. Then, I have 2 choices. I can get bitter when friends don’t reach out or I can do what I’ve done: I tell them when I don’t have the capacity to be the planner and ask that they include me if they want to do something. And they do!
I understand why you’d be sad to not be invited to ride bikes. You could also ask them why in a non confrontational way! Maybe like the poster above said, they just wanted to do something the two of them. OR maybe they thought you didn’t want to ride bikes, or wouldn’t want to go at that time of day or whatever. Then it’s something easy to clear up! And if they’re good friends, you can have that conversation and everyone is better for it.
I wonder if it would help you to find ways to be not-alone but also not to have to be the one to Make the Plan. On the weekends, this could mean going to community events, joining a club, taking a class of some kind. Getting involved in a volunteer organization or a church where there are regular meetings where everyone just shows up. The midterms are coming up – does your community have an arm of a political party that’s active that you could get involved in for weekend door-knocks or voter outreach?
I’ve been thinking about this and maybe can provide some perspective from another side: I think I have lower face-time friend needs than some others. For example, I have a dear friend who is always inviting, organizing get togethers, etc… and I’m like didn’t we just see each other? Didn’t we just hang out? I’m happy with texting frequently and hanging out in person maybe once a month, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy our time together and value her – I would consider her one of my closest friends. I organize a standing group hangout once a month, and to me that’s my social contribution… I just don’t have bandwidth for more (2 small kids at home). So… I think different people have different socialization needs. This doesn’t explain the 2 friends hanging out without you, which would bother me as well!
Yeh, that is me too. I have a low need for in-person socializing. I haven’t seen my two closest friends in person since the start of covid and I am fine with that. Zoom and the phone are magic, and I feel extremely connected to people that I rarely see in person. I know I am an outlier, but it works for me.
Your friends are not good friends. I’d try to find new ones, as hard as that seems. Or, ask them about it, but be prepared for them to be evasive/defensive/petty.
I feel this so much! Especially about the 2 friends doing stuff without you, as it happens to me and it hurts a lot! And I can’t believe it hurts a lot when I am so far out of HS! But I have no answers, other than I think of asking them in a non-confrontational way, but I haven’t had the guts to do that yet.
If I see evidence of a friend group not including me repeatedly, I move on. “They’re not good at planning” and “they do things constantly without me” can’t both be true.
(If you’re wondering why it sounds like this happens to me often, the answer is that I experienced it CONSTANTLY from 25-40 as a CF woman. It stopped now that my age group has kids who are relatively independent.)
+1
I’m sorry OP but it sounds like these friends aren’t bad at making plans, they just aren’t that into you.
it seems pretty clear based on this that those two are better friends than you are with either of them? I think you have to learn to be ok with that?
I think this might be right. One of my friend groups is a group of 4. There’s 1 who I see on the regular. Another with who I text more regularly. And the 3rd I only see when we are all 4 together, mostly. We’ve been friends for over 35 years and it just works this way for us. No one has expressed hard feelings about it.
I can relate to this in the sense that I wish I had best friends or a friend group! I just have alot of acquaintances. I am pretty shy and it also seems like people already have their own groups and it feels too late to become a part of them. I do get envious seeing their posts on Facebook etc and wish I could be a part of a group like that.
I think this is so common as adults. The struggle to make friends is real! I do think friendships (and any relationship) are made of equal effort on both parties. If you are putting in effort, and the other person isn’t, you don’t have a friendship. That’s an acquaintance. I think I only have acquaintances!
I have a short torso and have been looking for a puffy jacket that is shorter than where my hips are. I sit in coats a lot now (driving, camping, dining outside) and sitting in a zipped coat puts such a strain on the zipper that I think I’ve broken one and am about to bust out of the other. The things are fine for standing but come down too long to sit in. Do I need to go to child’s sizes (like girls 16-18?) or are there cropped puffers (that would probably be adequate to this task)? I’m hoping to get a deal on sale (but I wore my puffer this morning) or to remind myself where to look in August when cooler items get rolled out.
I’m both short (5’3″) and have a short torso and arms so I end up buying a lot of outerwear in girls XL or from LL Bean or Lands End because they sell petite sizes. Girls are generally shorter than petites and don’t always fit my 36DDD chest, but they do work a surprising amount of the time. It’s generally not desirable to have a really short jacket if you actually want to stay warm, as cold air gets in around the waist, so unless you’re planning on changing jackets constantly, not sure how well this will really work. Maybe just look for one that zips in both directions so you can unzip from the bottom when sitting? This is somewhat common in rain jackets and other technical outerwear, though not sure I’ve seen it in puffers.
Thanks! OP here — I bought a puffy skirt for just this issue. It’s like I buy suiting bottoms in a size larger than my suiting tops, so why can I not get outwear wear that fits? If they won’t cut it in an A-line, at least make it short enough that if it can’t clear my pear-shaped bottom, it will still be zip-able.
Ha, I’m actually the opposite- size 6 pants and 12 on top to fit my chest. The biggest reason why I need shorter jackets is that they otherwise billow around on my nonexistent hips. You might have trouble in girls sizes then, as they are not cut for hips.
TBH, women’s might be, but only to a point. If you are a +2 sizes different pear, they are not our friend.
I have an A-line shaped puffer! It fits over my hips. It’s Calvin Klein, of all things.
Measurements: 41″ 34″ 41″ ish. Used to be 37″ 32″ 41″ and that’s when it actually fit properly (M).
You need a two way zipper! They are hard to find, but they exist, and take the strain off the zipper. They zip down from the top, and up from the bottom. I have a short puffer from Balbour that has a two way zipper, and a coat from a Eddie Bauer, and a ski parka from Obermeyer–all have two way zippers.
I think patagonia nanopuffs run short in the torso.
They do- I’m the short person who commented above and they’re pretty much the only thing I’ve ever found from Patagonia that fits me, other than their kids sizes.
Some longer coats you can zip either way, so you can unzip the bottom when you are sitting. I have an Eddie Bauer puffy coat that has that feature.
+ 1 – I like a longer coat for warmth while commuting and just unzip the bottom half, from the bottom up, when I sit down.
Just checked, my “nicer” Soia & Kyo puffer also has this feature.
Oh same on my Eddie Bauer deep Chicago winter puffer, which now lives at my parents’ house because in the PNW my main winter coat is a heat tech rain coat…
This! A 2-way zipper is the answer, just unzipping up from the bottom when OP is seated.
patagonia down sweater. It’s expensive but I moved to a car centric place now and have worn it pretty much every day this winter.
Eddie Bauer has petite puffers. Look for Cirrus Lite. I have a couple — bomber jacket and thigh length that has a two way zipper.
I got a minivan 12 years ago . All kids are now bigger and taller than me (but we still need a large hauler b/c we are always driving non-family members around in carpools). I’m considering a Telluride this time (we have needed some additional ground clearance and 4wd now that we are a family who camps at least monthly). But the second row of the minivan is unmatched for space and comfort (and the third easily handles an extra person, who even if tall can go sideways and spread out that way). For anyone who has gone from minivan -> small SUV with 3 rows, have the tall kids in the back adjusted well? That is my one concern (and supply chain issues — this may be a 2023 thing). Minivan is an Odyssey, which has no plans to offer 4wd/awd, but has otherwise been superb.
A friend has a Buick Enclave Avenir which has a third row but the second row is captain’s chairs and it’s pretty spacious. I’ve ridden in the back row and was fine (5’6″).
Keep the minivan. It is exactly what you need for your present situation, camping included. The difference in ground clearance and performance off pavement is not going to be different enough to matter – if you shouldn’t do something in the minivan, you shouldn’t do it in a Telluride.
In Western NC, a lot of VRBO rentals note that you need 4wd to reach places on unpaved mountain roads, at least other than in summer. We’ve passed on these. But this is do-able in a regular vehicle?
A grocery getter SUV is a regular vehicle. If you don’t know how to drive in bad conditions, AWD/4WD isn’t going to help you. I suspect it’s just a bit of CYA language they put in their contracts. Look at all the nimrods who wreck every time it snows because they think that just possessing a 4WD/AWD vehicle means they know what to do with it.
I have definitely stayed at some VRBOs in western NC where I was glad I had a slightly higher clearance (more for the steepness of the road rather than the condition) and AWD. Maybe I could have made it with a regular vehicle, but I could see where it would struggle.
I get you on ground clearance. I once got a VW caught on a rock while doing a K turn on a dark country with no shoulders. A bit higher clearance would have saved the undercarriage of that car and my butt. :(
Family members have a Chrysler Pacifica that they bought specifically for the AWD feature. It’s a surprisingly comfortable vehicle. I agree that minivans are unmatched for a certain stage of life.
Sorry to say that a small SUV is not the answer if you have 3 grown-up sized kids. You want a suburban or similar.
Mine are 8,13,15. We have a Yukon but our second car is a Toyota Highlander with 2nd row captains chairs. We smush the 8 year old in the way back (no car seat) and she complains. I wouldn’t expect a full size person to regularly ride in the 3rd row.
We went from an Odyssey to a Highlander when our kids got bigger. It works great. The extra row of seating is nice when we have extra kids with us, but then we can put it up and have the cargo space for camping and road trips. Even my giant husband will ride in the 3rd row with the dog sometimes (the dog is anxious in the car and loves my husband). It is certainly not as comfortable as the 2nd row or the front seat, but is doable.
We are considering buying a house that we’d want to remodel fairly significantly- knocking down a wall to renovate a kitchen, and making a big stone fireplace somehow less bulky. How does one even start with these kinds of projects? We aren’t very creative and need someone to give us ideas. Basically I want to be able to give someone our general idea, and have them show us renderings and then we can tweak things if we want. Do we hire an interior designer first and then a contractor? Our budget isn’t unlimited but these projects don’t have to be done immediately so we’d have time to plan and save up.
You probably want a “design-build” firm. They have both architects, designers, and contractors on the payroll so you don’t have to find all those people individually. They do charge a premium for the convenience but it is much less stressful for you the homeowner.
+1
+2. Houzz is great for finding the well reviewed ones in your area. I’d also suggest diving into Houzz so yo uhave a visual shorthand for what you like and what you don’t as well as picking up some lingo. It’s easiest if you can say something like ‘I want a mid-century modern style kitchen with an island that has a waterfall edge stone counter, and to swap the stone fireplace surround out for a solid stone slab’ (or whatever) and then they show you options that fit into that aesthetic.
+2
First, you budget $150k minimum. If that’s palatable then you get a builder with an in house architect, or an architect who then recommends a builder (we did the latter).
Do you finance the $150k or do you need to have cash on hand for it?
HELOC is the route I’d go in this situation (assuming I have the equity in the house, am comfortable taking on that debt, etc)
Depends on your overall picture. If you are buying the house, you may not have enough equity for a HELOC.
I wouldn’t say “don’t do it if you can pay in cash” but you might want to think about how the logistics of getting the cash work if you don’t have it.
In our case, we bought, put 20% down, and by the time we went to Reno 3 years later we had a lot of equity to pull out since the market jumped. We did a 300k reno and did half in cash half in a home equity loan that is at 3%, fixed. We have the cash in the bank to pay it off if we had to but I’d rather have the cash on hand.
Hi! I’ve done two places like this recently. I didn’t use a design build firm because I didn’t like any in my area-they come out pretty but so cookie cutter. I have a family member with an architecture degree so we had a blast just drawing this out and then going for it. We dragged a structural engineer in to just double check before tearing down a wall, but otherwise a demo and framing company took care of it pretty handily. He managed the construction but honestly, it’s something I’ll do myself on the next project. I need someone to sketch out and draw the plans and obsess with me over where the window goes. I can call the flooring guy and deal with the plumber (ugh- next project new plumber!) just as well for less money.
W/r/t kitchens I found that the company that sold the cabinets had free designers onsite to actually design the cabinet layout. Weird tip: you need to pick appliances first, then cabinets, then countertops. Oh and masonry to cover the fireplace can be surprisingly pricey. We ended up ripping off our weird mantle and paining it.
Good luck and happy renovating.
We just did a big remodeling project. We hired an architect to do the design (very glad we did — it was tricky and he did a great job) and used a contractor we had used before so we knew he would do a good job. The way we got both of these guys was by word of mouth: We have a friend who is an architect and originally reached out to him; he doesn’t do this kind of work but referred us to a colleague. For the contractor, I asked around and got our guy from a colleague who owns rental properties and uses him for that — we tried him out on a small project and were happy and now we’ve used him for some big projects as well.
We are in the process of a complete kitchen renovation with a wall removal as well. We are using a design/build firm. I had a general idea of what I wanted and they drew up the plans. We then worked with them to tweak it how we wanted. Then they work with the contractors to execute. Houzz has been so helpful to me in getting ideas.
has anyone ever purchased a piece of jewelry that turns handwriting into jewelry? and if so, do you recommend?
Yes, I bought a silver pendant with “Love, Mom” written in my deceased mother’s glorious cursive. I wear it when I miss her, on her days (Mother’s Day, birthday, etc), or when I’m having a difficult time at work. I think I got it off Etsy.
this is exactly what i want (same phrase) for my sister for her first mother’s day. do you recall which etsy store?
Yes, I found it in my gmail! Gracepersonalized
My boyfriend couldn’t sleep last night and I 100% wanted to smack him (he kept waking me up, snoring and tossing and turning and complaining his legs were itchy or restless). I finally moved to the couch and slept fine but just needed to vent. I don’t hit people!! At 1:30 am I was close though!!! Ugh
The one with the restlessness is the one who should leave the bed, as a courtesy to the sound sleeper. It makes no sense for you to disrupt your perfectly-fine sleep to shuffle to another location.
Eh, maybe, but I’d be kind and let the person having a rough night have the bed. But kindness to your partner isn’t in vogue here.
Nor is kindness to fellow commenters.
When I had pregnancy induced insomnia, I moved elsewhere. My husband would have used the guest bed or the couch, but I thought it was important for at least one person to sleep well.
I mean, it happens to all of us. Going to the couch is 100% what I do. Just call it sooner next time.
Ha, I have finally decided that the first time my partner wakes me up, I’m moving to the guest bed. Because it’s not going to be just one wakeup. The other night he was restless, then coughing (refused to take cough syrup), then finally had a bloody nose which involved a lot of commotion. Note he is an adult who does not need my help for a bloody nose. I am sympathetic to all of these things… in the daytime. But don’t mess with my sleep!!!
Yes! Zero tolerance for wakeups, first strike, I’m out!
I feel this. My husband tosses all the time while I’m a pretty sound sleeper, but it is so disruptive. Getting a mattress that has very low motion transfer has helped tremendously — not a cure all, but made a huge difference!
The best thing we ever did for our marriage was sleep in separate rooms. We’re both very light, restless sleepers and I don’t handle sleep deprivation well. Neither of us sleeps that well, but at least we don’t have to worry about waking the other (I can just read when I wake up at 2 am now) and when we are sleeping well, we don’t get unnecessarily awoken like we did before.
I’m pushing hard for this, and my husband is so against it. No, it doesn’t mean I want a divorce. No, I’m not going to cram myself into a twin so you can set the bedroom up like an “I Love Lucy” soundstage. Just sleep in your own GD queen-sized bed in your own GD room, so I can have cool dark silence, and you can blast movies while you sleep because your parents let a TV raise you.
I think it really helps that we’re both light sleepers with sleep issues, so it’s pretty easy to understand how we bother each other. I imagine it’s harder if one person sleeps fine, but in ways that disturb the other, and they feel like they’re being unfairly exiled. But anyone who has to be around me sleep deprived would quickly figure out how much worse it is to live that way, so maybe try to sell him on that rather than making him feel rejected?
The “unfairly exiled” point is such a good observation. I always wonder how it is possible to be in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t believe you or take you seriously when you say, hey this thing that happens while you’re unconscious is creating a huge issue in my life.
Honestly it would help SO many people if this became a social norm.
It’s the DeBeers of sleep habits. It’s relatively recent that couples HAVE to be unconscious in the same bed as a “healthy relationship model”. For hundreds of years, the rich had separate quarters while the poor were lucky to have a dedicated sleeping room for the household to share.
We both slept in separate rooms when one had COVID and the other didn’t, and had to admit to each other, this may become a thing when one is sick going forward. I can definitely see the advantages.
That’s so inconsiderate. This was the death knell I didn’t recognize for one bad relationship – he snored horrendously when he drank, but he would get resentful when I asked/made him sleep in another room. If you choose to drink then you choose to not sleep with me, I’m not going to be kicked out of my bedroom because of your drinking. It was one of many things that he resented me for even though my position was perfectly reasonable. I should’ve left much sooner than I did.
Getting woken up makes me very very grumpy, too. I am right there with you!
We’ve slept in separate rooms basically since we moved in together and it’s blissful.
He might have restless leg syndrome–it is a thing. There are meds, and sometimes taking extra iron works, but that has possible side effects, so talk to a doctor first.
Does anyone have an ID on the polka dotted short sleeved suit Amal Clooney wore to the UN this week? I am sure it’s designer/custom and way outside my price range but it was so cool and different I’d like to see what else they make for style inspo.
Even The Daily Mail doesn’t have it! It nearly looks vintage to me.
I don’t know but it looks like she’s had it for years, which makes me love her more: https://www.eonline.com/news/669283/spotted-amal-clooney-wears-polka-dot-dress-with-statement-pockets
What is going on in stores at the moment? I popped into a normally reliable shop to get a little top for a dinner tonight (poor wardrobe management and all I had in work city closet was a logo sweatshirt) and it was like a Shakespeare in love reenactment? Giant sleeves!!
Oh girl you should see Target right now. (Or rather, you shouldn’t.) Ma! Pa! Hitch the wagon!
this made me LOL hahahaha
hahahah. when will this trend end?
I’m going to London in July for a friend’s wedding, and I desperately want to buy a fascinator to wear to the wedding since I’m 99% sure this is the only British wedding I will ever go to. I’m arriving the week before so I have some time to be a tourist/work from the London office/eat all the scones. Help! Where should I go shopping for a fascinator? I am definitely not looking for anything couture or expensive, the dress code of the wedding is “garden party” and the reception is in the garden behind a pub. I’m sure most people won’t be wearing hats at all, I just really want the excuse to wear one. I don’t have a dress yet either, but I’ll buy that in the US before I leave.
Also, any other suggestions for what to do/where to eat in London are very welcome! I’ve been several times before, but only once in the last 15 years.
I’d get one off Etsy and take it with you.
Hi! Check out Pippa & Pearls on Etsy. I recommended them yesterday too. Super easy to buy from & if you need last minute, they move fast. Signed a very happy last minute repeat buyer.
John Lewis
If you’re in NYC, I got an (inexpensive) one at a nondescript costume shop on 38th or 39th between 5th and 6th a few years ago for a wedding in the US with British guests. Definitely get one, they’re so fun!
In the 90s there were lots of hat stores in that area – I worked at 2 Penn Plaza and I definitely spent a few lunch hours window shopping!
I’m not in NYC, but I’ll have to keep that in mind for future trips, it sounds like a fun store to check out. Did you find that any particular fascinator style worked better, like headband vs. comb?
I’m no help on the fascinator question (just jealous you’ll have an excuse to wear one!), but eat at Ffiona’s in Kensington (you’ll need a reservation) and whichever Dishoom is most convenient to you. The Borough Market is fun, and if you’re down in that area and into craft beer check out the Bermondsey Beer Mile (Cloudwater and Brew By Numbers were our favorites). Have a blast!
Brown’s department store will have some good ones. Accessorize will also have smaller fascinators (just headband types).
Things to do: check out TimeOut London for latest art exhibitions.
I like to take the boat down the Thames from the Tate to the Tate Modern. I love Covent Garden and all the smelly stuff at Neal’s Yard. I love wandering around Fort Mason. I love wandering around Debenham’s/Regent Street/Oxford Street and popping down to Harrod’s. I love trying all the fun cosmetics at Spa.ceNK and at the big boots in Liverpool Street Station. Love me a wander around the Hyde Park Serpentine. Pop into the National Galleries. If you have extra time, day trip to Greenwich (quite close), Cambridge or Oxford. Book high tea at Claridge’s or any of the fancier hotels. Noodles at Wagamama’s. Ottolenghi anything.
Looking for a yoga/fitness/spa recommendation somewhere halfway-ish in between LA and DC. Girl getaway weekend! Nicer than kripalu. Not as $$ as ran home la Puerta? Thanks!
*rancho la puerta
I started to suggest Marfa or the area around it but I think getting to it might be more difficult than you want it to be. Maybe somewhere in Arizona?
Way not half way but Nemacolin is beautiful.
Civana, for sure!
I am pregnant and in my second trimester, and I keep waking up in the middle of the night ravenously hungry. Pre-pregnancy I was pretty successful with intermittent fasting so this is a new thing. My understanding is during pregnancy the advice is to eat when you’re hungry, even in the middle of the night. Any ideas for healthy and filling snacks I can have ready to go in my fridge for when the feasting hour strikes?
Banana and nut butter
During my pregnancies I basically got up every night and had a giant spoonful of peanut butter.
I kept it bedside, ha. I also liked kefir… would just swig from the bottle.
Was going to suggest this, but try eating it an hour before bed so perhaps it will stick with you and you won’t wake up in the middle of the night due to hunger.
Dips like guacamole or hummus.
Honey nut cheerios. Omar comin’!
hahaha
Gotta have my honey nuts!
I had a bowl of cheerios almost every night of my pregnancy.
I loved a middle of the night bowl of cereal.
Almond butter toast, avocado toast, or a protein shake.
I ate SO MUCH cereal when I was pregnant and nursing. I really dislike milk generally so this was baffling to me but it’s super nutrient/protein dense so I just went with it. I’d do a nightly scoop of ice cream or bowl of cereal if I were you. I also second the snack before bed advice – I did cheese and apple slices and that helped settle my stomach so I wasn’t ravenous in the morning.
Anyone been to Mexico City recently? My partner and I are going in about a month and staying in Roma Norte. I would appreciate suggestions for restaurants, cafes, etc.! Also, is Teotihuacan worth a day trip? Thanks in advance!
No specifics, but family members just got back from a long weekend in Mexico City and raved about it! We added it to our “to travel to” list as a result. Have a great time!
Teotihuacán is definitely worth the day trip.
Also, get tacos al pastor from a hole in the wall and eat them on the street. And get the spicy straw for your beer (a michelada) because even though WTF it’s just not something you can do elsewhere.
I haven’t been since pre-pandemic but Teotihuacan is very cool if you have a spare half day to full day. The pyramids are so old they pre-date the Aztecs, so we don’t even know who built them. And you can walk right up to the top. I strongly recommend a late lunch / early dinner at La Gruta (cave restaurant) afterwards!
I just went in March for my 30th! It was amazing. I’m having an insane workday but if you want to email me I can share all our recs. Abbycorporette@gmail.com
And yes!! Teotihuacan is worth it. We did a hot air balloon ride and it was one of the best things I’ve done in my entire life.
Rosetta is delicious
I went a few years ago and stayed in Roma Norte. My food recs are probably outdated, but Teotihuacan was absolutely worth the day trip and one of my favorite parts of the trip.
Any advice on rental car companies in Portugal for this summer? I’m not familiar with any of the companies, which might be fine or could be terrible. Any advice would be welcome!
You might want to check Tripadvisor on the overall “Portugal” travel forum. I feel like I recall there were quite a few posts about various car rental companies — many of them bad/horror stories — when I planned my trip back in 2019. (I didn’t rent a car so no personal experience, I just recall multiple posts about the topic.)
Thank you! It didn’t even occur to me to look at rental car info there but makes so much sense!
Not Portugal specific, but I have used both Hertz and Sixt throughout Europe and never had an issue.
Check carefully to make sure the car is automatic unless you’re fine with manual. Most cars in Europe are not automatic.
One kid has gotten into country music, specifically older Dolly Parton. Today, we listened to a bard-core version of Jolene. One of the comments to the video was “Jolene, the little-known 7th wife of Henry VIII” IDK why, but this cracked me up.
I’m beggin of you . . .
Made me chuckle out loud.
Thanks for bringing this to my day, had to google “bard core Jolene” and now listening to it
In a similar vein, check YT for “There I Ruined It”. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Straight Outta Compton as a polka.
My daughter is also really into Dolly Parton right now, particularly Jolene. I told her about Dollywood, and my daughter announced that she would also like to help her community by opening an amusement park :)
I credit Lil Nas X for bringing the younger generation to pay attention to Jolene, as well as Dolly’s visible social welfare posture.
I’m about 2 years late to the (real) gardening train and am dipping my toes in the water with container gardening. Any advice for growing strawberries in containers? They’re step one in my plan!
I am loving The New Gardener’s Handbook for wonderful basics! It’s not specific to container gardening, but it’s filling in so many blanks for me.
I’m new to real gardening too. Strawberries are one of the harder things to grow, apparently. We’re planting some but also doing corn, tomatoes, marigolds and sunflowers, all of which are supposed to be less finicky.
If you don’t have the pot yet, get a strawberry pot! It’s the kind with little pockets on the sides.
You have to water pots A LOT. Even if the plants are “full sun” a terracotta pot sitting in the sun all day might bake the roots. I offer partial shade to most of my full sun container plants and they do fine.
You can also get a large wooden planter (half barrel) and fill it with herbs. I like to have chives, thyme, basil, and parsley near my back door. The chives and thyme will keep all season – if the chives bloom, they’re still flavorful and the flowers are nice garnishes. You’ll need to pinch the leads of the basil consistently as it grows to keep it from flowering (throw these in whatever you’re making for dinner) and you’ll probably have to replace the parsley at least once over the summer. Curly parsley lasts longer than Italian parsley before bolting.
I need a substantial afternoon snack at work and am getting sick of my chocolate sea salt Rx bars. Any other decently filling bars you like these days?
I enjoy Larabars, especially the cherry pie flavor.
+1 for Larabar, but the cashew cookie and key lime flavors.
A handful of salted almonds and two Dove dark chocolates. I like that better than any bar!
They are kind of gimmicky with the marketing (flavors available only for a limited time), but I really like Built Bars. They have decent macros/protein (usually between 17-20g per bar, which are usually about 130-180 calories) and their flavors are great. You can get a sampler box to try. There are almost always influencer codes floating around for 10-15% off too.
I’ve seen these but think I get them mixed up with the Builders Bar. Any flavor recs?
Caveman Dark Chocolate Cherry Nut is my favorite. They have them at Costco, but if you order from the brand online and get autoship, they give a nice discount.
Go Macro bars are so yummy! I like the oatmeal chocolate chip and the double chocolate peanut butter ones.
Perfect Bars!
Some of you recommended linen sellers on Etsy (I think) and I can’t find the post. Can anyone tell me the name of those shops? Thank you.
Not sure the original post, or if you mean bed linens or linen clothing, but if it’s the latter, Not Perfect Linen is amazing.
Linen clothing, thank you!
I love Not Perfect Linen and I also just bought a really cute dress from dressMeLinen.
Recommendations for a new couch? I haven’t bought new furniture in 10+ years…it seems so much is now online. How do you pick something comfy, reviews? Any in store chains you recommend?
If you happen to be in Texas (or anyplace else Weir’s exists) I love Weir’s. I think their furniture is still good quality but not outrageously expensive
If you’re in L.A. or somewhere else where they have a store, try Interior Define. (They also have online ordering but I like to sit on it before I buy it.) We just got a sofa from there and are really happy with it.
This depends so much on budget and style! And, these days, timeline. If I had a roomy budget, I would start with Room & Board and Restoration Hardware.
We went to a Macy’s showroom to pick out some new couches. They had a pretty good selection and the stuff we wanted was actually in stock.
Macy’s Radley or Radford (sofa and sectional). They look good, are solid, wear well and go on sale often.
For mid-tier pricing I’ve been very pleased with our two comfortable couch company sofas. The performance velvet has been holding up well to pets/kid, vacuums easily, and is very cozy. You can customize the sofas to have more or less padding so the one in our formal living room is less ‘sinky’ than the one in our playroom but both are still very comfortable (as they say!).
It was too big for our space so we had to end up getting something else, but Arhaus’s Baldwin was super comfy (we ended up with an Ethan Allen couch. It’s fine. I think I should have gotten softer cushions, though).
I had an issue with my Room & Board couch 4 years after I bought it and they replaced it. 10/10 would buy again.
Anyone in Chicago know if patio dining will be widely available in early May if the temperature is in the 50s? We were planning on going up there for Mother’s Day weekend, but would only want to do outdoor dining on this trip. Looks like the high temperatures will be upper 50s/lower 60s, so probably not much more than 50 at brunch time. We’re fine bundling up and eating outdoors in 50 degrees, but will restaurants let us sit outside?
(The reason for the excessive Covid caution is because 5 days later I’m supposed to leave on a bucket list trip that would be ruined by a positive Covid test. I’m not taking any unnecessary risk the week before this trip, so please no “just dine indoors, it’s NBD” comments.)
chicago has set up tons of igloos and other things for outside dining even during the cold of winter, so i would think some of these would still be available
Someone mentioned spouse envy in an earlier post. I have to admit that I too feel that way somewhat regularly. I have been married for 21 years, mostly happily, although of course there have been ups and downs. My husband is faithful, reliable, has a great sense of humor, is a devoted father, and I could go on. But. He is intense, moody and can be relentless when he’s angry. Like he just wants to yell and vent for hours sometime. He talks incessantly, even when he’s not angry. For the past 6 months he has been extremely stressed at work, although this is a mostly permanent issue for him no matter the workplace. About two years ago, I befriended a man (fellow parent to a child in my daughter’s school sport) who is nice, caring, laid-back and sweet, and also married. I do not cheat on my husband. But I often find myself feeling envious of this man’s wife. Sometimes I fantasize about him, and I daydream about being in a relationship with a guy like him – life seems like it would just be a bit easier. I know there are pros and cons to everything. Can anyone help me change my mindset on this? I feel guilty for feeling this way and I’d rather be able to forget about this guy and just accept my spouse for who he is. Please be kind.
I think it’s pretty normal, but just remember that you’re only seeing a tiny slice of this guy’s life and most people put their best foot forward publicly. People who meet your husband at school events probably envy you, right? Living with someone is soooo different than just being friends with someone.
Imagine the other guy at home, his private self, who has his own issues. I will bet he leaves a trail of dirty underwear all over the house. Probably with skid marks. Which he expects you will scrub clean when you do all the laundry.
Meanwhile, this guy is not the problem. Your husband is the problem. You have to deal with him and his issues, because you and your children deserve better.
This other guy is just an escape fantasy. The problem is that you want to escape.
+1 million to your second and third paragraphs.
Grass is always greener. I’ve been married 15 years and every time I find a husband I think might be better, he isn’t. Everyone has their quirks.
Mine Avoids conflict and has way, way too many hobbies. But he can fix anything, lift anything,doesn’t play video games* and is a great lay.
*I can’t explain it, but adult men playing video games unless as part of bonding with children is a big nope for me. Husband has tons of other hobbies I don’t like but somehow video games is my deal breaker.
I could have written this post some years ago. Oh, wait. I did write this post some years ago, and the responses I got helped me find the courage to leave my marriage. I was in therapy for YEARS trying to figure out how to live with a spouse who was, I now realize, emotionally abusive, and somehow make that be okay. Yelling and venting for hours at a time is neither normal nor okay. It doesn’t matter how great he is the rest of the time, living with a moody angry guy is no way to live.
I am now married to a nice, caring, laid-back, sweet man, and it is more than “a bit” easier. It is amazing. Every morning I wake up and I pinch myself and can’t believe I stayed with Mr. Relentless When He’s Angry for so long. And also? Being by myself (once I got over the grief and shock of leaving my marriage, which was not inconsiderable) was also about a million times better than living with Mr. Yell and Vent For Hours.
OP, I say this with all the love and compassion in my heart: You deserve better than this, even if it means a home that is peaceful because it belongs only to you. I left when I was 54 and look at me now — it’s not too late for you, either!
Thank you. I may have been a bit too one-sided in my post. My husband is sweet, too, but he’s moody and a high-stress, anxious person. He doesn’t yell for hours – at least not more than once in a blue moon – but he does VENT for hours. He talks, and talks, and talks. Sometimes I just get….tired.
He needs to learn to manage himself! Don’t we all? He gets five minutes of venting and then he needs to go meditate, go for a run, watch America’s Funniest Home Videos, etc. As for the talking…I dunno about that. No opinion!
I wish. I almost laughed out loud at the idea of him meditating. He’s way too Type A and ADHD for that. He would probably be offended if I told him to go do some boxing (he’s not a runner) but that would do him good when he’s on a roll with the venting.
I once timed my ex and he spoke for >45 minutes with no input from me. I did not decide to end our marriage for several more years, but when I did it was partly because there was no room for anyone else’s thoughts, concerns, or desires. I do not have SA’s happy ending — and may never have that — but I can tell you that the last 14 months without him have been significantly better than the previous 14 years with him.
Wow. That is something. I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your newly single life.
This may be a bit dark, but there is part of me that feels that most marriages sort of run their course at a certain point. (Ooooff, it is weird to actually write that.) I don’t think I want to end it, though, because I would rather be with my husband than be alone. All the men I could see myself with (like the friend I mentioned) are married. The men I know in my age range (i’m 46) who are single have obvious commitment issues or seem like damaged goods. I’ve heard nothing but nightmarish stories about dating at this age.
Honesty, my happy ending started when I got away from that marriage. The new marriage is just the icing on the cake. It is just so peaceful, as my former therapist once said, to not have a terrorist living on-site.
I’m an excellent nitpicker and flaw-finder, so when I get the unwanted fuzzies, I analyze the person to death until I can only see things I dislike about them. That eloquent brilliant guy in the legal department has horrific dandruff, the sweet funny barista never stops beatboxing despite being sh!t at it, and so on.