Coffee Break: Light Nap Pillow

76 Comments

1. Since this came up in an adjacent conversation — what age difference do you consider too much for a spousal relationship? Like where one person wants to be go-go-go/traveling etc but the other is over it, wants to lounge etc. And when do these differences come up? Or are they totally individual as to each couple?

   1. It’ll vary over people’s lives, which is why you can only plan so much.

   2. Whatever works for you and your partner

   3. These things can vary but I generally think your interests broadly speaking tend to be the same. You can’t plan for every accident/injury/disability/financial issues etc.

      My father has never enjoyed travel and does not want to travel in retirement (much to my mother’s chagrin – she does solo travel but she wants to travel with him). My DH has had a number of different sporting interests over the last 17 years but almost all outdoorsy sports focused. I like travel more than he does but I went into the marriage knowing I’d likely end up doing solo trips at times.

   4. Your second question seems like really more of a lifestyle difference question than an age difference question.

   5. I think 10+ years would be too much for me, at any stage in life. It really has nothing to do with travel or mutual enjoyment of activities. In my mind, a 10 year difference = a much different perspective and mindset in general. I’m not articulating this well, but I would struggle in a relationship where both parties weren’t in a fairly equal spot from a “shared life experiences” standpoint.

   6. It varies so much by life stage. I’m in my mid 30s, and just started dating a guy that is 5 years younger than me. I’m really falling for him, but do worry that our timelines could be different given that I want to have kids in the very near future and it’s too early to have that specific discussion. However, I feel like I would have no concerns about a 5 year age difference the other way so long as he wanted kids, and I’m trying to put my fear on the backburner given that I really like the guy. Besides from the kids issue, I have no worries about the age difference.

      1. You should be more worried about a 5 year age difference the other way (him older) if you’re in your mid-30s. Pregnancy and disability issues in children come are at increased risk for older fathers just like older mothers, but for whatever reason issues on the male side aren’t discussed as much.

         1. Grandma Leyeh told me there are execptions. She pointed me to an article in yesterday’s NY Times where they were writing about Judge Jack Weinstein from Brooklyn, who is now retiring at the age of 98. He sounds like he was a very important judge, and did a lot of good things. There was NO mention of Harvey Weinstein, who presumably was NOT related. But my point is that he is still hearing cases in Brooklyn, and that even though I never had a case before him, I am confident that if I did, he would have been fair and impartial in doling out justice. Kat, as a NYC native, perhaps you could run a thread on this so that other Hivettes can weigh in?

   7. I’m 40 — I have no desire or energy to keep up with my 28 year old coworkers; when they talk about their weekends it’s — I went out after work Friday night, ended up staying out late until 2 am; then some morning work out class on Sat; then brunch then killed some time until a Sat night party blah blah. OMG it sounds horrible to me. So 12 years? But to be fair I wasn’t like this at 28 either — I’ve always been a lounging on the weekends with maybe one activity kind of person. So maybe it isn’t just about age but also about the level of activity you enjoy.

      For example, I know a 72 year old man who just went and hiked Patagonia with his wife (late 60s) and daughter/son in law (mid 30s). It was the parents’ idea/desire to go and they had no trouble keeping up with the 35 year olds, so clearly there it is about them being at a high level of activity and not slowing down.

      1. To each her own. I’m 46 and you have just described my typical weekend (plus Sunday is similar to Saturday and I stay out late on at least one weekday).

   8. I think I’m unusual but I’ve always been drawn to guys who are very close in age to me. My parents are the same age, my husband and I are the same age (one week apart!). If I was dating on apps I suppose I would set age cutoffs probably 3? maybe 5? years on either side of my age, so as not to excessively narrow my dating pool. But I don’t think it’s a coincidence the guy I married was the exact same age.

   9. I’ve noticed a lot of my lady friends with older male spouses aren’t compatible in terms of stuff like hiking. So let’s say the wife wants to hike the inca trail but the husband isn’t into the idea or can’t for health reasons. So the wife does the hike while the husband site sees and takes the train. It’s not the end of the world.

      In fact it works really well to have someone help you out with your race gear etc who isn’t participating. I see lots of older husbands being fantastic cheerleaders for their wives.

   10. I have a good friend facing this issue now. Her husband is 16 years her senior. She is mid50’s now and looking towards retirement in 10-12years. Her husband will be in his 80s and although healthy and active now, there is no telling what the future brings. Unfortunately she is also dealing with complicated health issues of her parents (who are 5 years older than husband). I think she sees her future as pretty bleak taking care of those she loves not the happy, fun retirement she maybe once thought of.

   11. I think it’s hard to predict how people will age. My Mom is almost 10 years older than my Dad. Based on genetics, past habits, etc., she should be in much worse shape than she is and he in much better shape than he is.

2. Question for the drinkers: how do you know when you’ve had enough? Is it just experience/counting or do you have internal signals your body gives you? I was having wine with friends the other night and noticed they all seemed to naturally stop refilling their glasses way before I did.

   1. You seriously mean you are unable to perceive your own body’s reaction to alcohol?

      1. No, that is obviously not what she’s asking. Go eat a muffin or something, you sound like you need a blood sugar boost.

         1. +1

   2. I’ll generally stop after three drinks. Very occasionally I’ll do more. In college I could easily do six to eight drinks during a hard night but I have no desire to revisit those days. If out for dinner with friends and not driving, I’ll rarely do more than 3 drinks.

   3. I count. No more than 2 on a weeknight, 3 if I’m going out, or 4 if it’s a wedding.

      1. I like this schematic.

      2. +1

      3. …or 5 if it’s MY wedding. ;)

   4. I try to mentally keep track, but also sometimes I’ll feel too full, especially when drinking beer.

   5. I have to count, I can’t rely on my body to intuitively stop drinking. I’ve found over the years that I’m pretty prone to binge drinking. Although sometimes, especially when I’m really tired, I just don’t feel like drinking more than a beer or so.

   6. I find that if I have more than 2 drinks I will general feel less than perfect the next day.

   7. I have to count. My body does not send me signals that I should stop until it’s way too late.

      Since I have to count, I don’t “top off” or refill my drink, or allow someone else to, until the one I have is empty. I only drink liquor if it’s measured or if I’m just having one cocktail.

   8. I usually drink craft cocktails. Depending on how strong they are, I have 2-3. I rarely drink wine, but if I do it’s only a couple of glasses because it makes me really sleepy.

   9. This is why I prefer beer these days. I have a much easier time stopping with just one, or occasionally 2. Maybe it’s that volume is bigger than wine or cocktails for the same amount of alcohol so I feel full sooner. Or maybe the taste of it doesn’t stimulate the same craving that wine or cocktails do.

   10. Most people know their common limit for how they want to feel and just stop drinking after that drink no matter how they feel at that particular moment. If you wait to stop drinking until you actively feel tipsy or drunk – that’s a problem. By then your decision making is impaired and your actions are already less inhibited so you’re likely to drink more.
       I find it common with friends of one drink if they have a long drive, two drinks if they live very close/walked/ubered, and three or four at a celebratory event like wedding, birthday party, etc. on a weekend.

       1. I just don’t think it’s true to say “most people” are like that. I wish I were like that, but I know myself and my body and I’m just not. It’s not a moral failing on my part, although I wish it weren’t so easy for me to slide into binge drinking.

   11. MIne is not internal signals. Because I drank heavily in college and law school and then went sober for 2 years because of some health stuff, my bodily response to alcohol is different than that of my friends. I count and know that more than 3 beers or 2 cocktails of glasses of wine will hit me

   12. I basically follow an intuitive matrix based on experience that considers what I’ve eaten, how much alcohol I’ve had recently, how much sleep I expect to get, what I have to do the next day, how hydrated or otherwise ill/well I am, and what my emotional state is like to determine where to stop. At this point in my life 9/10 times if I’m drinking at all I’m going to have 1-2 drinks max so I can get a good night’s sleep and feel fresh in the morning. Need to write complex memo on regulatory compliance issue tomorrow morning with a 6 am wake time? 0-1 drink. Easy day at work and don’t have to get up early? 2 drinks is okay if I’ve eaten and hydrated. So based on how crappy I am willing to feel, I know I should stop simply based on measuring.

       If I know I’m planning on drinking enough to potentially *feel* it (meaning I’m not planning to drive and it’s probably a weekend), I’ll rely more on physical mental cues. Rule of thumb for me = less than 1 drink/hour, 8 oz water every hour, and in no event more than 4 drinks/night. I will give you some physical and mental experiences that tell me I’ve had enough or am getting there:

       –feeling myself being relaxed or chatty (fine, stay here)
       –my stomach reacts at all (time to slow)
       –I can physically feel a lightness in my body (should start to watch out, should not drive). This has varying degrees.
       –feeling physically warm (time to slow)
       –any amount of unbalance or dizziness, which can be sudden, like if you get up (time to stop)
       –I start to share inside thoughts (stop)
       –prone to crying or mood swings into sadness (definitely had enough, time to go find some food and a glass of water. This can happen sometimes after only a few drinks if there’s a lot going on in my life, but I know that even if I feel okay physically, mentally it’s time to stop)

       1. Please do not rely on your perception of your level of impairment to make the decision as to whether or not you are fit to drive….just a friendly reminder….

   13. I usually count. If I’m not counting, I make sure to drink at least 1 glass of water for every alcoholic drink. And this is more hangover prevention, but I also really try to avoid going to sleep until I feel close to sober – I’ll stay up and drink water and munch on some saltines until I feel more normal.

   14. I can really put them away and have the near-magical ability to not get hangovers, so I usually have one drink.

       If it’s a wedding or a very nice meal out, I have one per hour.

       If it’s enough for me to feel a light buzz, it’s enough alcohol.

       But I understand that this is far more conservative than most people would go for.

   15. I recently entirely quit drinking and I find that no one cares. Not helpful but basically what I’m saying is no one is watching how much you drink (if it is more or less) and you should just keep track for yourself. It helps to have a waiter actually come pour the drink (measuring the serving). If you just buy a bottle for the table you don’t really know sometimes if you’ve had two glasses of wine or two extra big glasses of wine that are really three glasses. It also becomes cost prohibitive to keep ordering drinks to some extent in this way since it costs more than the bottle.

3. I can get behind this pillow. It looks silly, but it also looks like it is well-designed. Currently, I can’t sleep in my office due to windows. In my last office, I put a blanket down on the desk and rested my head there a few times a month. I don’t think there should be shame in sleeping at work if, like me, you are not getting paid by the hour and the schedule demands that you work at all/odd hours. Better for me to take a 30-45 minute snooze and get back to work fresh than for me to be bleary-eyed straight through.

   1. Uncommon goods also sells a travel pillow in a scarf that you inflate when you want to use but otherwise just looks like a scarf.

4. I bought a pair of Rothys about 2 years ago when I pinched a nerve in my foot. I was on flats-only restriction and wore the Rothys daily for 3-4 months and then daily after that but just for commuting. They didn’t wash so well the last time and seem to be needing a replacement. I think that they were very good shoes for me, but they (round toe black plain) just didn’t look pretty on my feet, which are duck-shaped (wide ball of foot area and very narrow heel). Shoe wear is becoming slightly visible in the little toe area as the fabric is straining there due to foot volume.

   Any good current alternatives? I know there are all-bird ballet ones, but no one I know has them. The Rothys have been great and I see women in them at conferences. They seem to be more expensive than I recall (175), so just making sure that there isn’t something wonderful / better out there. Tieks won’t work for me. My dream shoe is the Ferragamo Vara, but that is $$$.

   1. I couldn’t get behind Rothys, but I have 2 pairs of the Allbirds flats and LOVE them. However, I’d say they’re more casual looking.

      1. I love the Allbirds flats I have, and I have a similar foot shape. But yes, they are a bit more casual looking.

   2. Rothys and Ferragamo Vara seem worlds apart to me! I am not sure how much more expensive Ferragamo is than, say, Rangoni, but I wonder if you could find something closer to what you really want?

      1. It’s a bit aspirational (but also why I want to buy one pair (3 Rothys = could have had the Varas)). But I’m Team Flats for sure.

         1. I will say that Rangoni (or at least, Amalfi by Rangoni) are very comfortable (though some of their styles also look it).

   3. I have the allbirds ballet flats. They are really comfortable, but I wouldn’t call them pretty. I think the knit material keeps them much more casual. Definitely not a substitute for the Vara, in my opinion.

   4. You could try the pointed Rothy’s, if you just want to mix-up the style. I recommend at least a half-size larger to accommodate the pointed toe. I also really like the low Cole Haan wedges (not sure what the current version is called). They have about a one to two-inch wedged heel and, weirdly, I find them easier to walk in than most other flats.

   5. Have you tried Everlane? I found the price point more appealing than Rothys, and they have a ton of different styles. Mine wear like iron and are SO comfy (I have the same foot shape as you).

      1. OP here — this is what I love about this site. I never knew that they made flats and there are come cute ones there that read more like real shoes to me. Which ones do your duck feet like :)

         1. oh yay, I’m glad I could help! I have a pair of the Day gloves, but am eyeing the 40 hour flat next because they have a slight point and look a bit more polished to me. I get compliments all the time on the Day gloves and no break in period (which is very unusual for me – my feet pretty much hate all shoes other than flip flops). I’m not sure if they are still doing this, but I left a pair in my cart and the next day they sent me a coupon code for 15% off. I may try that again haha. Post back if you order them!

      2. I have and love the day gloves, just got the 40 hour flat and really like them! The day gloves fit a little snugger, while the 40 hour flat seems almost a hair too loose in my typical size. The 40 hour flat reads much more like a “real” shoe; because the day gloves break in so much, they wind up looking pretty casual. I have your same shape feet too, wide in front and narrow heel.

   6. Hi, my duck feet like Cole Haan skimmers.

      1. Now I want the Viesta.

   7. As another duck-footed person, believe me that Varas are not designed for us. I have a couple of pairs in wide, and they are not comfortable for the front part of my feet. I wish I’d saved my money.

   8. I also really like Tieks, which are a little dressier and on par with the Rothys price point.

5. Someone who reports to me is terrible at managing multiple projects. We are a specialist group, so we work on many projects with different deadlines. She works hard, but I’m always after her to get me documents to review, and I don’t think she has a real system for tracking what’s outstanding. I’ve given her this feedback more generally, but it’s turning into a real problem and I need to implement a system. Does anyone have any suggestions? Right now I’m thinking she sends me a daily email of what’s open, when it’s due and what the timing is. I hate to micromanage, but short term I need a system to see if she can improve.

   1. Have her make an Excel sheet and put it in a shared drive. Then you can look at it to determine if she is keeping it updated and if she is completing tasks on time.

      1. I agree that having her send emails is a bit micro-manage-y, but having a shared spreadsheet is not. I would talk to her and state this as you “needing more visibility” to make sure that items are in process and coming down the pike to “keep the conveyorbelt moving” as other people are depending on her timely finishing projects.

         Another solution would be to set up a trello board by project or similar in Monday, if permitted by your IT admins and confidentiality concerns.

         But before you do all of this, I would acknowledge, human-to-human, that she has a lot on her plate, you appreciate her hard work, and as her manager, it’s not your job to babysit her and chase–it’s her job to keep things moving and get them up to you timely.

         Good luck.

6. Suggestions on how to talk to young-ish kids about religious terms when we are raising them without religion?

   My 6 year old heard the word “heaven” on the radio and asked about it. I told her it was complicated and I wasn’t sure how to explain it but would think about it and let her know. (FWIW this is something I say often, like when I get asked about how you make water, or whatever).

   “It’s a place some people believe you / your spirit/ your soul go when you die” opens up a can of worms I don’t want to deal with with a kindergartener– what is a spirit, how does it leave your body, and why do some people think that but not others?

   “Some people believe in life after death” isn’t right, and I don’t want to get into a discussion about there being life after death with a 6 y/o, necessarily, unless it is in the context of exploring religion.

   “It’s a place some people believe in” is a guaranteed tee-up to “oh, like Neverland?” which seems dismissive. if we were of a non-Christian faith, we could say something like “it’s sort of like how some people celebrate Christmas, but we don’t”- but that doesn’t apply here.

   Any ideas or suggestions? DH and I will help out kids learn/explore various religions as they feel called to do so, but we are not religious. I grew up in a Catholic house, and he grew up a fairly lapsed Methodist. Neither of us believe in those teachings and discussed how if we ever were to become a religious family, Judaism fits much closer with our reality.

   1. I think that all of your problematic (to you) explanations are in fact fine. It’s a 6 YO. Kiddo is not unfamiliar with xmas and Halloween, which might give you a jumping off point. They probably aren’t looking for whether you vouch for a religion or denomination’s views on the subject but a one-sentence answer. But I grew up by Lake Valhalla (a subdivision in New Jersey), so the concept was always there but when you throw Norse mythology into the mix, you get how there are different strokes for different folks.

   2. Age 6 would be a common time to ask these questions. I don’t think it’s too early to talk about this kind of stuff including death and different beliefs about death. We’re raising our kids Episcopalian but they often have questions about why other religions believe different things. Youngest kid learned about Menorahs in kindergarten and is annoyed we are not Jewish.

      For heaven, and non-spiritual, I would suggest you could stick to saying that “No one really knows what happens after we die. Some people believe that our physical body dies but our souls or spirits go to heaven. Different ways of believing things are called different religions and different religions have different ideas about what heaven is like. ” HTH. This stuff isn’t easy.

   3. I mean … the same way you explained Christmas I guess.

   4. I think you’re way over complicating this. “Some people believe after we die, a part of us continues to live in a place called heaven.”

      1. This. Don’t make it more complicated than it is.

      2. This is how I’ve always explained it to my kids. They are teenagers now and it has just never been an issue. My daughter vaguely believes in an afterlife / ghosts, but not in god. My son is a pragmatic atheist.

   5. Is there anything wrong with saying, “No, not quite like Neverland,” and then expanding as her reaction might dictate? I feel like for some kids that might be enough (and others of course will be all DO TELL MOM).

      Was it even used in a religious context when she heard it? Can you just say, “It’s a word we use to describe a place that we imagine where everything is perfect (and some people believe you might get to actually go to that kind of place someday)”?

      1. OP here. This is perfect and exactly what I was looking for- help defining be word without a full blown religious conversation.

         It was some random song lyric, and came up as any other random word she hears. I didn’t want to get into a big discussion about life and death and religion if I didn’t need to.

         1. Happy I could help! :)

      2. Oh, I really like this, too! (Although of course I would be mightily tempted to say “yeah, kind of Neverland, now that you mention it!”)

         1. I did consider noting the allegorical implications of Neverland! (And my side rant about how people with nothing better to do on the internet always have to find a way to turn perfectly wholesome stories into something with dark hidden meanings, sigh, getting off my soapbox now.)

   6. IMO as a parent of kids around the same age, 6 years old doesn’t seem too young for something along the lines of “It’s a place some people believe you / your spirit/ your soul go when you die”. I kind of like this way of phrasing it, because it doesn’t discount other people’s beliefs. It possibly leads to tricky conversations, but I think by age 6 or 7, we owe it to our kids not to totally evade those conversations. I dunno, I’m not great at this stuff either.

   7. One of my favorite things (? that’s more flippant phrasing than I mean) about being a minority religion is how easy it is to say “some families do this, but we do that” and “some people believe this, but I believe that – what do you think?”

      We had someone who was a big part of our lives die a few years ago, so Kiddo and I think and talk about death. It’s helpful that I truly believe in some “we are all one” energy stuff, so I can tell her “I believe that even though Grammy’s body isn’t alive any more, there are parts of Grammy that will always be here.” Kiddo and her buddy Jaxon at school apparently get into quite the religious debates (she’s 5 and he’s 6, it’s all very friendly) so she comes home with questions and information (“Jaxon thinks that God made the world but I think it was that explosion thing you told me”). I don’t think a kid that age is too young to grasp these things, if you’re up for the convo.

      1. Hope someone explains to both these children that the Big Bang theory was originally posited by a Catholic priest (who believed in God, obvs)! Lemaitre, iirc.

   8. You’re doing a child a disservice if you ignore these questions just because you don’t want to deal with talking about them right now.

   9. We are similar to you (non religious) and I have had varying conversations about religions in the past with my now-8yo and 5yo. The 8yo started on these types of questions pretty early, and now understands some of the basic facts about the main world religions and also what my opinions (not facts) are. We have handled this in bits and pieces. e.g. on seeing a statue of the Buddha, questions came up and I talked about how he believed in moderation and not seeing material things, and also (opinion) “I really like his teachings, don’t you? They are about being peaceful and gentle”. I am not a Buddhist, but share what I know and admire about the religion.
      Similarly about christianity (not christian either) “some people believe that Jesus was not just a human being who had good ideas about how to behave with each other, turn the other cheek etc. (we had a long sidebar about this! very thoughtful and also – they didnt buy it!) but that he was actually the son of God”… Heaven has come up a bit, but not much. Reincarnation has come up, and so have ghosts. We don’t dwell on the whole death part but try to focus more on what the teachings were for people who are actually living.
      Tl;dr – don’t be afraid to wade into the discussion, answer as much as they ask to know but keep your answers on unsavory topics short if needed (death) and redirect to mom mode of “lecture on good behavior and what different religions think that is” when you need to bore them a bit and get them off the questions! Lol.

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