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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 283 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lila II Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This great sheath dress is from Wallis Evera, which is an interesting company because it's very eco-friendly. Their products are designed, cut, and sewn in Canada, and they try to use hemp as the foundation for them because it's one of the most environmentally-friendly fibers. If that's something important to you, do check out our guide to slow fashion. This dress is only $159 (in U.S. dollars) and comes in sizes 2–14 (also in other colors). And A+ to them for showing a model who isn't your usual blonde 20-something. I love the pockets and little cap sleeves, and it's also fully lined and has a concealed back zipper. Bonus: Wallis Evera offers free shipping and free returns in both Canada and the U.S. Lila II Dress A plus-size sheath dress from another company with an ethical and slow-fashion focus is from SmartGlamour (sizes from XXS–15X). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. 

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Heatwave ladies

    What do you wear to work when it’s too hot outside to function? Especially if you walk or take public transportation to work so you are out in the heat.

    • Anonymous

      My office is pretty dead in the summer and we get a bit of a pass on the usual dress code, so I’ll wear an a-line, wrap, or otherwise kind of flowy skirt in a breathable fabric with a sleeveless top, also made of something breathable. Cotton is good for tops if you can find some that aren’t too casual for your office.
      I carry a cardigan or blazer in my bag and don’t even think about touching it until I’ve been in the AC long enough to start getting goosebumps.

      • Abby

        Yeah I figure that when it’s so hot outside you don’t have to look properly business casual/formal the moment you enter the office – let the AC cool you down a bit first.

        On another note – how do you deal with your office being slow in the summer? Is it boring or is it a nice break?

        • Anonymous

          Well I spend time on here so…. :) Actually, it’s a nice break. Our work is very seasonal, so we end up with a backlog of non-time sensitive projects in the summer that keeps it from being boring. These projects are typically internal so there’s less of a concern about client-facing appearances, and it gives us a chance to do our version of spring cleaning and reset before our busiest time of the year.

      • Ellen

        I have been cheating this week. The manageing partner is off, so I am comeing in with my Capri pants and Espadrille’s. No one cares and Frank enjoy’s stareing at me, but I don’t even mind him looking at my tuchus anymore. If he didn’t then I guess I would be concerned. For now, all I can think of is a few days off! YAY!!

      • Anonymous

        I have used Uber when I had important meetings in the morning and didn’t want to worry about showing up sweaty. Not practical for every day, but maybe try to budget for it for special circumstances.

    • Anonymous

      Cotton and linen. I’m a lobbyist in DC – I have to look polished even when the weather is pretty unbearable. I feel like I’m always saying this, but the J.Crew Factory No. 2 pencil skirt in cotton + cotton tank top (I like Talbots) + a fun linen blazer (also from Talbots) is my uniform.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I’ve been wearing cotton t-shirts on the bus and changing before I start. Today I rode in in shorts and changed into pants in a bathroom no one from my department uses.

      • Jo March

        This. t-shirt and linen pants or those cotton drawstring pants from Old Navy. Change at work and change again to go home.

    • Cookbooks

      Cotton and sleeveless, if I can, and sandals. I keep flats and a cardigan at work. And the looser the dress, the better. The goal is to avoid trying to walk to the subway in a fitted sheath, even though I love them.

    • Anon

      I ditch the jacket and wear a more formal looking blouse than i would ordinarily wear under a jacket. I keep a couple of blouses for this. They are cotton and 1/2 sleeved and have a tie or wrap feature at the waist.

  2. honeymooning

    Hopefully this is a fun one for a pre-holiday Tuesday! I’m trying to decide what direction to go in for a honeymoon next June/July. My fiance has given me free reign, since he’s been the driving force behind our last three vacations. In his ideal world, I think he’d like to do something mellow and beachy, like an all-inclusive…but TBH I get pretty bored at all-inclusives. In my ideal world, we would go to Southern Europe to stuff our faces with seafood and culture, especially since we haven’t traveled to Europe together yet and kids are on the horizon in the next 2-3 years…but he’s concerned about the cost.

    Ideas? I’d like the option to chill at the beach for at least a few days, but still have a balance of culture and/or more active options. I don’t want to do anything that will be too intense or challenging to navigate on a day-to-day basis, since we do want to make sure that we can relax, so I would like to stick with either places I’ve been before or places with well-developed tourist infrastructure. The shortlist is currently Italy (fly into wherever is cheapest, hang out in Tuscany since he’s never been, couple days at a lower-key beach town?), Spain (Barcelona/Basque Country/La Rioja?), Colombia (people keep telling me that Cartagena hits all of our criteria), Costa Rica (itinerary TBD), and Belize. I’ve spent significant time in Spain and Italy and speak both languages passably well, so planning and navigating would be easy; cons are cost and not seeing someplace new. I would like to spend more time in Latin America, since I’ve only done super-touristy all-inclusive type stuff, but I just don’t want to have to work hard to figure stuff out, deal with developing infrastructure, etc. (Normally I would be fine with that! I’m a pretty adventurous traveler. I just know I’m going to be exhausted and want to be able to spend time focusing on my new husband, not stressing about how we’re going to get from point A to point B.)

    We’re flying from the east coast and have 2 weeks, which IMO is not enough to really do Asia. I’ve been to Portugal and Greece more recently, and have not been the biggest fan of France on prior visits (although I have not done the typical South of France loop, so could be convinced). Am I missing anything? Croatia? I just can’t figure out how to start narrowing things down…

    • Minnie Beebe

      San Sebastian, on the northern coast of Spain (in the Basque region) is GORGEOUS. There’s a gorgeous beach, lots of amazing food to eat, easy day trips into the mountains, Bilbao, France. I could easily make that city my home base and spend a week there.

      • honeymooning

        San Sebastian is one of my absolute favorite places in the world for all the reasons you outline :) If we go to Spain, we would definitely be going there!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      With the caveat that I haven’t been personally, friends who have been to Croatia have loved it and I think it would meet your requirements.

      I do think 2 weeks is plenty of time Asia if you just stick with 1 country, if you want to go that route. I’ve done great trips to China and Japan with just a week (separately, not both in a week, that would be insane). I haven’t done anything beachy in Asia so no help in that regard. What about Australia? You could combine beachy stuff with cultural stuff. Yes, the flight is absurdly long, but 2 weeks really is a lot of time.

      • Anonymous

        Australia is way more expensive than Europe. If she thinks Southern Europe is too expensive, there’s no way Australia (or Japan) is in the budget.

        • Anonymous

          I haven’t been to Southern Europe so I can’t compare, but I didn’t think Australia was outrageously expensive.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Oh yea, I kind of overlooked that. Isn’t some of the Northern coast still warm in winter? (Haven’t been).

          • honeymooning

            I think Australia is out because of the weather, unfortunately–the places we’d want to see if we were going all the way over there won’t be warm. NZ is at the top of my fiance’s bucket list so I know we’ll get over there eventually (when?? I have no idea), but we would want to do it in the Southern Hemisphere summer.

          • Anonymous

            I think winter is the rainy season in Queensland (NE Australia). But on the flip side, less change of running into poisonous jellyfish?

    • Anonymous

      Oh man Tuscany and the Amalfi Coast sounds like a perfect honeymoon. Idk how budget friendly that will be though.

      • buffybot

        Amalfi is gorgeous, but I think in July it will be unpleasantly crowded. Traffic becomes a real issue because everything moves up and down the coast along a very narrow very curvy road.

        • honeymooning

          Yeah, we would probably want to stay away from the touristy beaches (Amalfi, Cinque Terre) if we go with Italy. I’ve heard Maremma is lovely and a lot lower-key. Or we could go south and do Calabria or Sicily? He would want to do some of the big tourist sights if we go to Italy, since he hasn’t been before, so I don’t want to go TOO far off the beaten path…just far enough to get a break from the crowds.

    • nutella

      Obviously budget is relative, but there are creative ways to think about it, so that you are getting the best deal. We signed up for the Chase Reserve and paid for out honeymoon traipsing around Italy with all of our points. (Of course, then it was the 100k point giveaway, now it’s 50k, but still a lot and then 3x points on all dining and travel to add to it.) We booked all flights and all but one hotel entirely on our points. Given that it’s a year out, you could probably plan well to buy your tickets (to anywhere) at the right time. I know Rick Steves’ newsletter has tips on the best times to buy tickets. There used to be a woman here, Sydney Bristow – I think, that I think also paid for her honeymoon almost with all points. Something to consider!

      Italy was a great mix of relaxing in the sun and ‘things to do’ for us. Spain would be another great option, as would Croatia and Greece. One caveat with all of these places – don’t try to do it all. You can’t and will make your travel partner grumpy since it sounds like he wants something more mellow. Strike a balance by picking only a few ‘highlights’ as loose goals. You only get one honeymoon, after all! And congratulations!

      • honeymooning

        If we do Europe we’ll almost certainly need to do some travel-hacking. But you’re right, we do have a year to rack up points. I’m assuming that Chase is still our best bet for points? We don’t need a lot of (or any…) luxury upgrades.

        And definitely co-sign about trying to do it all! I’m usually the one hitting the brakes when we travel, which is why I’m a little surprised that his top choice is an all-inclusive.

    • Anonymous

      Turkey! You can stay in Istanbul for 3-5 days and easily not run out of things to do and eat. Then swing down the Antalya which I feel like is the Paris of Turkey, especially with its night fountain shows in the summer. Then take a ferry from Bodrum to Santorini, Greece! You will get the feel of adventure, and he can get the chill time he wants. Turkey is very cheap compared to most of Europe, which will help with costs.

      • honeymooning

        Oh man, Turkey is on my bucket list but I’m just not sure it’s going to be a go for my fiance based on his perceptions of the political situation :(

    • cbackson

      I’d go to Sicily. It’s lower-cost that a lot of the rest of Europe, is incredibly beautiful, has great food…you can also take the ferry to Malta for a few days, which is super-interesting.

    • Anonymous

      Are you set on leaving the US? Hawaii would be a really good combination of beachy relaxing + stuff to do, and the weather is beautiful in the summer. I’m personally not a fan of Europe in July, it’s too hot and crowded. If you could go in the first half of June then I’d second the recommendations for Italy

      • Anonymous

        I was going to suggest Hawaii too! It’s so far that you’ll want to go when you have 2 weeks (I went for a week, and it was kinda rushed with 16 hours travel on either end), and it’s a great mix of bumming around a resort pool or beautiful beach with active options (hiking, horseback riding, snorkeling) and AMAZING food.

      • Anonymous

        Hawaii is great, but it is definitely doable in a week, the travel really isn’t that bad. I was in Maui for five days for a wedding last year – I would have happily stayed longer, but I wouldn’t use a rare two-weeker on it. I’d personally look at Asia, Africa, or Oceania with that time frame – places that you really do need the extra travel time.

      • honeymooning

        We’re not totally set on leaving the US. I’ve been to Hawaii in the last three years, and I don’t know if I was doing it wrong, but I honestly didn’t love it. Like, it was amazing, I’m so glad I went, but it wasn’t a place that absolutely GRABBED me and would make me want to go back again so soon.

        I did consider South Africa (and Argentina), but again, Southern Hemisphere winter.

    • Of Counsel

      It might not be exotic enough to satisfy you, but Belize has a great mix of beach and culture. You can split your visit between the jungle and visit the ruins (or even take a trip over the border to Tikal) and then head to the beach for snorkeling at the reef. The only problem is that June/July is not an ideal time to visit weather wise. Also, it could be done in a week so I am not sure about using that rare and precious 2 week vacation for it.

      Otherwise, I second Turkey. Beautiful and cheaper than western Europe. Just buy trip insurance in case the political situation deteriorates.

    • Colombia

      Cartagena! The food, the people–it’s incredible.

      You could do some days in Cartagena and then go to San Andres y Providencia.

      • honeymooning

        I feel like everyone I know is going to Cartagena and it looks like they’re all having the time of their lives! How easy is it to get around? Basically, is it someplace where I’m going to have to work hard to navigate/get things done, or is it going to be easy to coast once we’re there? I speak halfway decent Spanish (the fiance is at hola/gracias/dos cervezas por favor level) but I sometimes find the emotional labor part of navigating travel in new places to be really draining…worth it most of the time, but I’m just worried about taking on too much when I’m already going to be exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of getting married. And realistically I know that most of the day-to-day communication and logistics are going to be on me if we’re in a Spanish-speaking country, since my Spanish is SO much better.

        • Colombia

          I grew up in Colombia and I ADORE that everyone is going now and loving it. It is not hard to navigate and it is a very tourist-friendly place. Colombians are incredibly welcoming and easy going (on the coast at least, haha) and it is a slower pace than some of the other spots you have been offered. Maybe do some more research and see what you think?

          For what it’s worth, both “let’s do everything ever” type friends and non-adventurous friends have managed well and absolutely loved it. Your money will definitely stretch farther and seriously, the food. Incredible.

    • busybee

      We are doing a European cruise. I don’t love the idea of a cruise but it was the easiest and most cost-efficient way to see the most places in Europe. I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of finding multiple hotels and coordinating travel between cities.

    • Anonymous

      You could charter a sail boat and have the entire Mediterranean as your ‘beach’ – it’s really fun and you can pull into any port when you need culture, etc.

  3. No July 4th plans :(

    H and I have not been invited to any July 4th barbecues, and have no plans for tomorrow which is kind of bumming me out. If we did host a cookout, I am sure no one would come because they already have plans. Our parents live a few hours away so visiting them is not an option. What to do?

    • Anonymous

      Does your locality have any firework shows or parades going on? I’d just go to one of those and enjoy the rest of day off.

    • Anonymous

      FYI, I was in your boat and decided to have a cookout and just invite a lot of people because I was sure everyone already had plans — 60 people came! You are not alone. As I’ve gotten older, fewer of my friends entertain, so that just results in us having fewer invitations. People are happy to come if you’ll do it, though.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah so I’m a longtime singleton and there have been years that I didn’t have plans on the 4th. My options? Go watch fireworks in a crowd by myself. Or… stay home and hear fireworks but not be able to see them. You’re married and your H is home, you have a firework watching buddy, so go do that. It’s honestly a little tone deaf to post sad faces about not having plans when you have someone to do stuff with.

      • Eh

        Married people are still allowed to ask for suggestions when they have no plans. Having a spouse is not a cure-all. Her post was not at all smug married and there’s no reason for you to respond so rudely.

        • Anonymous

          OP didn’t just ask for suggestions of things to do. She posted a literal sad face in her title. And no it’s not rude to tell someone they’re being tone deaf when they are.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. You have a husband! A built-in companion! And he has no plans either. So you both get a day off together. And you can either go to fireworks, or binge watch Netflix, or organize your house, or go see a movie, or find a local festival/event, or get in a really great intense workout…I could go on and on. You get to pick any combination of those things. You could grill/prepare a wonderful lunch for the two of you and drink together in the afternoon. This sounds fantastic. I will definitely trade you plans. I have the same issue, expect with no husband. Feels a lot lonelier this way….

    • Anonymous

      Glass half full version: this WHOLE ENTIRE DAY is a gift to you!

      Sleeping in! Re-enacting your honeymoon!

      Being able to be spontaneous!

      • CountC

        +1 I cannot wait to have a day, alone, do to whatever I want. I can walk to the river to watch the fireworks or sit on my roof, or not. I can stay inside in the a/c and read, or not. I can go for a run on the trails in this ridiculous heat, or not. BRING ON WEDNESDAY DAYS OFF.

    • anon

      When I wind up in this situation, I turn to my list of “things I’ve been wanting to do but not gotten around to.” What about a hike, or easy lake trip, or explore a nearby town? What do you enjoy doing together? There’s no reason you can’t grill out by yourselves! Maybe I just need a break, but nothing sounds better to me right now than taking an easy day in the back yard, day drinking with my H, grilling some steaks, and making an american-flag themed cake out of strawberries and blueberries.

    • Panda Bear

      Have a mini-cookout together and make it a date day for just the two of you :)

    • Anonymous

      Fireworks, parade, lake, beach, pool. And set a calendar reminder for June 4th next year to invite people over!

    • Anonymous

      I’d do two things – a leisurely breakfast out (which always feels like a treat to me) and then some sort of “adventure”. One year, my husband and I didn’t have any plans, and we enjoyed a semi fancy breakfast at a new place we’d never been and then went to a peach farm that was like an hour+ away and picked peaches and some berries. This was something we’d never have time to do on a normal weekend. So, I’d look at yelp for your city and see what sorts of things are listed under the “things to do” section and pick one that you’d otherwise never do.

    • Anonymous

      Buy a backyard firepit and roast hot dogs, then listen to the Capitol Steps special on NPR.

      Our local minor league baseball team always shoots off fireworks after the game on the Fourth. Super fun.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand the problem. You have an actual day off. It sounds like a dream.

    • Anonymous

      Just a quick comment that I get your disappointment at not having plans with friends. It’s always weird when the 4th falls in the middle of the week and I feel like fewer people travel, so it does feel strange to not have plans with local friends. I agree with everyone that says to take advantage of the bonus day – pool, lake, or even a kiddie pool in your backyard with an adult beverage and a good book sound wonderful!

    • Idea

      Everyone is very excited about fireworks and outdoor plans.
      I just want to remind you that many movie theaters are open tomorrow, too! Enjoy the air conditioning (from this friend in the Southeast USA – ugh humidity!)

    • Introvert

      DH and I are introverts, so ymmv, but I am thrilled to not have forced socializing tomorrow. DH and I are going to lounge by the pool and go to the spa. If we see fireworks in the distance or from inside, great, but we are not up for standing in a crowd full of screaming kids and barking dogs.

    • Nerfmobile

      We’re doing yardwork, and then in the evening going to a local fireworks show. They allow people to camp out on the high school football field to watch the fireworks over the neighboring park. Before the show, they have food stands, face painting for kids, a local band, and potato sack races for all. Low-key and awesome.

  4. dating help please

    Hi everyone! I need some advice from all of the smart ladies here. I am mid-30s and have been online dating for the past year-but for various reasons, nothing has turned into a serious relationship. I have been out twice with a guy who checks all the boxes-kind, smart, etc. But, the banter just isn’t there, and I frankly don’t feel drawn to him. (for instance, I actively tried to think of funny/interesting things to text him over the weekend, to try to keep the conversation going, but I have come up empty handed) Logically, I know he’d be a great partner (and he is definitely interested in pursuing relationship with me). However, having met some great guys online, I know what it feels like to have a great connection, to be able to laugh/play off each other, to want to text funny things back and forth in the carefree early days. We’ve been out twice, so I feel like I’ve given him a fair chance. He asked me out again this morning. Am I being fair if I decline? Any advice/wisdom/anecdotes? Thank you!

    • Anonymous

      It’s totally up to you. If you don’t want to, don’t. Personally I do go on a third date in those circumstances- sometimes we both open up and it becomes something more, sometimes my sense that it wasn’t a connection is proved right. But I generally feel like it’s a good use of my time.

    • Anonymous

      If it’s not there it’s not there. If the dating isn’t fun the marriage is gonna suck. Cut bait and be open for someone you do click with. It takes time sometimes.

    • Anonymous

      Definite deal breaker for me. The only thing that would make me go on another date is if he seemed quite shy and so maybe hadn’t opened up to me yet so I saw potential there. Kinda hard to read, but you can usual tell the difference between someone who is shy and someone who is….. boring/uninterested.

    • CountC

      It doesn’t matter if it’s fair. If you don’t want to go out with him, politely decline and tell him that while you enjoyed your time with him you do not want to pursue a romantic relationship.

      If I’m not feeling it, I don’t force it. That’s how people end up 6 months down the road agonizing over how to end a relationship they shouldn’t have entered into in the first place.

      • Anonymous

        Agree – if you don’t want to go out again, don’t. If you’re only seeing him because you don’t have a good reason not to – not because you actually want to see him – you’re only delaying the inevitable and making it worse for both of you.

        If you’re on the fence, it won’t hurt to give him one more shot, but don’t feel obliged if you’re really not feeling it.

    • Anonymous

      This is my issue with online dating. You put in so much effort for such a long time and deal with so many obvious no’s that you start to doubt yourself when you meet someone who’s fine enough, perfectly normal, but the spark just isn’t there.

      Let’s pretend for a minute that these 2 dates weren’t formal dates, you met him through friends once at a BBQ and another time out at hh. Based on the last two times you saw him, would you be trying to set up a for-real date now?

      • dating help please

        You are so right. There ARE no obvious no’s, so after a run of truly bad dates, I’m trying to talk myself into accepting “fine enough”. And to your question, if we had interacted at a bbq and hh, I frankly would be crossing my fingers I wouldn’t run into him a third time – since he’s clearly into me, and I feel so…meh. Love this line of thinking, this is my new litmus test. Thank you!

        • Anonymous

          Why would you want to talk yourself into fine enough? That sounds like a terrible relationship to me.

    • January

      I’m not going to answer whether you should or shouldn’t accept a third date because I’m of two minds about that myself. But, if you do choose to go on a third date, make it a different context. Do something active together, or with a group, or in a different location. You may see different sides of each other’s personalities, and… who knows? Maybe a spark will be born.

    • AnonZ

      If your main concern is that you don’t feel a connection via text, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. I have found that there are some people who I have great, witty banter with over text/messenger but then wind up having very little to say to them in person. And vice versa, for sure.

      Do you feel connected to him/drawn to him when you are together in person? If so, I would say to give it a chance and see him a few more times. Text message banter isn’t the be-all/end-all of most relationships.

      • Anonymous

        This. As someone who’s only dated the old-fashioned way, I can assure you that you can create a great relationship that does not involve witty banter by text. Not clear if that is the only issue, but certainly it should not be enough to keep you from trying a third time. At the same time, trust your instinct if you just don’t feel it generally.

    • Anonymous

      Not sure if you’re still reading, but there’s a difference between a total lack of chemistry (he doesn’t smell or taste ‘right’ to you, you don’t enjoy your time with him), and just a temporary lack of banter. When there is true compatibility and trust, banter gets easier and more natural with time because you start creating reference points and memories together, like your own secret language. It doesn’t happen overnight!
      Conversely, what you’re interpreting as instant ‘spark’ may just be that you’re attracted to guys with superficial charisma who are adept at creating the FEELING of chemistry with a wide swath of women, which is why it’s not turning into relationships.
      I remember being a few months into a relationship with a completely sweet, ‘boyfriend material’ type of guy and hitting a lull in conversation and thinking, “gosh, is he BORING?” About three years later, our banter makes me laugh to the point of tears because we ‘get’ each other in a way that only comes with time and trust. He’s still sweet, too, in a way that those instantly-charismatic, never-a-dull-moment guys have NEVER been. So glad I didn’t end it!

      • Senior Attorney

        Same here. I wasn’t sure Lovely Husband was The One for quite some time, partly because he isn’t super showy and sparkly on the front end of a relationship. And oh my goodness! I am so so so happy I kept saying “yes!”

      • dating help please

        Sorry for the late reply, but THANK YOU for this. You’ve given me a lot to consider.

  5. caitlyn

    What do you do at work when you are bored / have time to kill / things are just very slow?

    (I ask on the day before Independence Day, when only about half my office is in)

    • Anonymous

      I need this today, APW apparently took the week off and I am BUMMED.

      I’m planning my next vacation and editing pictures from my last one.

        • Anonymous

          A Practical Wedding. I’m not engaged or married or want to be either but I love their content.

          • Anonymous

            Ha…Do you reading Wedding Bee? I’m not engaged or married either but I love the drama on their forums.

          • Baconpancakes

            Very, very different content and posters. Wedding Bee is kind of mean and judgey. APW is super inclusive and supportive. (Except for writer/commenter Amy March, who calls it like she sees it. Which I appreciate, even if she’s a little harsh sometimes.)

          • Anonymous

            I’m another poster, but I learned about Wedding Bee through reddit’s wedding planning community. There are definitely some characters there and some crazy issues that they’re super sensitive about, like how if you have a reception that’s not when you get married you’re having a “pretty princess day” and if you don’t have an open bar, you’re selfish and tacky. Makes for very entertaining reading.

      • Cb

        I never know why they don’t preschedule content – same with Cup of Jo. Or even rerun some old posts.

        • Anon

          Yeah, I’ve never understood why Cup of Jo struggles so much to get decent content. All the posts are late in the day (makes it seem haphazard), if one person goes on vacation, they all shut down, they rely heavily on link-dumps, etc. I thought having paid employees was supposed to guarantee quality content on a schedule. It’s too bad because some of the series (motherhood around the world, house tours) are great!

    • Anon

      -Review old emails to make sure I haven’t missed any and check if there are ones that need follow-up
      -Clean office/desk/work area
      -Watch training videos on skills that are relevant to your job
      -Strengthen relationships with coworkers (a productive way of saying “Chit chat with coworkers”)
      -Prep for next week’s meetings
      -Waste time on here :)

      • jwalk

        Agree to all the above. A few others I’ve been tackling (generally while listening to podcasts):
        -Archive old emails
        -Scan in documents I need but not necessarily in paper form
        -Clean up electronic files
        -Clean the shoes I keep at work
        -Spend time on LinkedIn catching up with acquaintances, reading their news, and looking at job postings
        -Any personal to-do items that can be done at work ;)

    • Anonymous

      clean out my office and sort my email inbox/file away all of my emails.

    • Pompom

      I am, at present, “shopping” for an apartment in Barcelona, because #daydreams.

      And they’ve turned all the lights out in my office to replace fixtures. And I’m the only one here.

  6. Atypical models and styling

    I have to give a shout-out to Talbots for also not featuring 20-somthing Barbie models. I know that their models skew towards their demographic.

    I’d love to see someone (artist perhaps) do something with styling clothes in unexpected ways (Talbots or Chico’s punked out with younger models; F21 styled for the office; All Saints with my mom modeling with her very sensible shoes). And I’d love for the people who do BeBe ads to do a little make under — show a little less skin and see how that works :)

    So much of fashion ought to be to serve as a base for our creativity but it seems to just trap us in boxes.

  8. Anon

    I read the NYT article “In Denmark, Harsh New Laws for Immigrant ‘Ghettos’” yesterday and am feeling so conflicted. On the one hand, some of the specific laws that were outlined are downright horrific (double the punishment for the same crime if you live in the “ghetto?” Really?), but on the other, I think that the integration/assimilation process is very fraught, that there are really clear challenges related to unemployment and crime in these “ghettos,” and that Denmark does have a right to set standards for assimilation that must be met (such as Danish proficiency, etc), in order to achieve prosperity and a cohesive national identity. It is not a secular nation and some of the ideals, like that government should have a role in shaping individual behavior, are different from what we’re used to in the U.S., but not necessarily bad. In fact, they’re probably downright essential in a state that maintains such a high degree of welfare benefits. Denmark also has a strong history of human rights protection and was one of the few countries that actively saved the vast majority of its Jewish population from the Holocaust by ferrying them to Sweden. That suggests to me that there is more nuance at play than there appears to be. However, from what I’ve read in this article, it sounds like Denmark is on the path to discrimination and backlash rather than successful integration; some of the proposed laws are truly sickening. Curious what others think about this (especially if there are any Danish readers). What Denmark is doing seems very wrong, but what is the right way to handle immigration when your national goal is assimilation/maintaining “Danishness”?

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t read the article yet but I think this is a challenging issue in Europe. Fareed Zakaria said in an interview recently that his challenge in the US is to maintain some small bit of his culture for his American born kids whereas in Europe you are more or less going to be ‘foreign’ even if you’re born there just by virtue of your ancestry. That makes sense in the historical context but the way immigration is approached is definitely a problem as it is currently, so something does need to be done. America is definitely better at assimilation and without resorting to any of these hardline tactics, but that’s because our cultural identity is based in part on immigration. I don’t know what you do in Europe where the cultural myths are so different.

    • Anonymous

      People generally want to assimilate. It gives you access to society. You encourage it by making it easier to do not through punishment and exclusion.

      • Cb

        Definitely! A friend’s family came to Norway as refugees – her parents were paid to go to Norwegian language school when they first arrived, there were nursery spots for the children, and assistance in finding employment. They are now financially stable, work good jobs, and the children are all multilingual.

        • Anon

          But Denmark is ALREADY offering all those things and they still have “ghettos.” That’s the problem.

        • Anonymous

          They’re trying to encourage people to use those things, but probably not going about it the right way.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. Like the mandatory daycare for 1 year olds? People need childcare! You don’t have to make it mandatory! Provide state-funded daycare for ALL kids, not just Muslim kids, and voila people will use it. If you really must make it mandatory then make it mandatory for everyone.

        Also how are you integrating Muslim kids with Danish society if you’re segregating them into their own special daycare from age 1? It doesn’t even make sense.

        And have we forgotten that a huge part of integration is for the majority population to accept the minority? How do any of these regulations encourage Danish people to be more inclusive?

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I think it’s a thin cover for anti-Muslim discrimination. Only like 3% of Danes go to church every week. If they were actually concerned about losing their own traditions they would work on that instead of instituting Residential Schools Lite.

      • angry

        Agree! I find this policy horribly discriminatory and tragic for a country that, as OP pointed out, has a semi-decent history regarding discrimination and is thought of as a highly developed, somewhat ideal country.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        Agree about anti-muslim sentiment, but why would the Danes need to “work on” going to church? You realize their traditions and culture may have very little to do with going to church, right? This comment just seems so bizarre to me.

        • Lana Del Raygun

          Well, part of this mandatory education is learning about Christmas and Easter, and various Danish politicians are freaking out about supermarkets selling Eid cakes, so they seem to be concerned with enforcing some notion of “Christian tradition.” You’re right that maybe all they want is a tradition of celebrating Christmas and Easter, but to me it looks like they’re pretending to be invested in enforcing religious commitments that their own people don’t care about.

    • Monday

      I responded to that immediately as well. She is rocking her entire look, and it’s such a breath of fresh air.

    • Anonymous

      I like the idea of a gray-haired model, and this one is gorgeous, but the styling is just off here. What is up with the weird bouffant and the frumpy old-lady jewelry? It looks as if the model’s personal style is cool and edgy and they were trying to cover it up to appeal to the Talbots crowd.

  10. Weddingwear

    Please help me — Is a dress like this (silky sheath dress falling a few inches below knee) suitable for a wedding with dress code “formal”?
    https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/js-collections-pleated-crepe-cocktail-dress/4762917?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=navy
    Wedding is East Coast, country-mansion-style venue, 2 pm til late on a Saturday.

    I would really just like to be inconspicuous at this wedding (I am a plus one). Ideally I’d like to find myself in a slightly more muted color/print than their average guest, showing somewhat less decolletage than average, and just a tad less formal than average.

    I offer this dress by way of example, but will probably look for a secondhand/consignment dress (pref. real silk) rather than buying new.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh — I don’t know.

      Formal to me isn’t just a fancy venue. It is also something that starts after 6 and I’d go longer on the dress (and maybe beaded?).

      “Formal” at a fancy venue starting at 2, maybe this but not in navy. Navy can read as black and that’s to be avoided. And it’s daytime.

      • Weddingwear

        OK, thank you! So if I had a slightly more interesting dress (like say in forest green or a discreet print) in the same silhouette, I would still be as inconspicuous as I desire?

        If you don’t mind another question — I had assumed “formal” means at least a few inches below the knee; is that correct?

        • Anonymous

          No. You just need a cocktail dress. It can be short! You won’t be inconspicuous wearing what is essentially an office ready sheath dress to a fancy east coast wedding. Want to blend? Get a cocktail dress.

          • Anonymous

            Oh, I had no idea that a cocktail dress was ok. That makes it much easier. Thank you!

        • Anonymous

          I’m just curious about the backstory! Why do you need to be so inconspicuous? Are you a spy?! This sounds good :)

          • Weddingwear

            Ha! No, just shy and don’t know the people; besides, my boyfriend hates dressing up (I don’t think he owns a jacket) and I don’t want to look out of place next to him.

          • Anonymous

            He needs to wear a jacket to a wedding with a formal dress code!!!

            I am one of the least pearl-clutchy members of this community, but he absolutely MUST wear a jacket to this wedding! Preferably as part of a dark suit!! This is not optional!

          • Anonymous

            He must wear a suit to this wedding. If he won’t he should decline the invitation.

          • different anon

            Honestly, Weddingwear? If he doesn’t wear a suit (omg, I can’t. I would refuse to go if he didn’t dress appropriately. that is RUDE AF. my skin is crawling just thinking about it.) you need to step it the F up to demonstrate that you understand the dress code and respect the couple getting married, even if your boyfriend doesn’t.

            No boring sheaths–long dress, silk, all of the (tasteful) jewelry. Shame his a$$ because that is unacceptable.

          • Anonymous

            @different anon – I disagree with the scale of rudeness (it’s just clothes after all), but do think that there’s the potential for him to feel *really* out of place/uncomfortable if he’s wildly out of line with what everyone else is wearing (in shirt sleeves vs everyone else’s suits).

            Formal doesn’t say black tie to me (which is where floor length) comes in. It just means more than casual.

            OP – if it weren’t summer, he could probably get away with a sweater instead of a jacket, though a jacket and tie would be much more in line with a formal dress code. Is the “I don’t like to dress up” really more of a “I don’t know how to dress up” or “I don’t want to spend the money” reasoning?

          • AnonZ

            As someone with a long time partner who often has different interpretations of dress codes than I do… I would suggest not adapting your outfit to what he’s wearing.

            I have given up on insisting that my partner wear something other than what he wants to wear. I’m not his mother, he is not a child, I cannot dress him like a doll. It’s his decision to make. But I have found it makes me much more relaxed if I just wear what I want to wear and think is appropriate.

          • Anonymous

            I’d encourage him to wear a suit and just take off the jacket after he arrives and drape it on the back of his chair. Then it’ll be like he came in a suit, he was dressed to fit in, but just got hot. Still can be comfy, but he’ll fit in.

          • Never too many shoes...

            Anonymous at 11:55 am – I really disagree with your suggestion that the OP’s partner could wear a sweater to a formal wedding and “get away with it”. That’s not a thing.

          • Aggie

            My husband arrives at every wedding we attend wearing a suit. However, like clockwork, he will remove his jacket the minute we arrive at the reception. And his friends will typically follow in line. Now, we do live in the south and triple digits at five pm is common this time of year.

            For a recent outdoor afternoon wedding, I found a seersucker suit that he loves….as in will remain in the jacket all night. (I may have created a monster – he now asks to wear it to every event.)

            Can you find a lighter weight suit – perhaps a linen blend or a soft loose weave? I envy men’s suiting options. Some of the fabric options are more comfortable than sweatpants.

          • Anonymous

            Black tie doesn’t require a floor length gown, only white tie does. Most women wear c*cktail dresses to black tie events.

          • Anon @ 11:55

            Eyeroll – what? are they going to kick you out for not wearing the right clothes? That’s what I mean by “getting away with it”. Nobody is going to think he’s actually wearing a suit.

            Sure, people are probably going to give him side eye – but in my book, unless the dress code said “black tie”, “formal” has a lot of room for interpretation and sweater with a button front shirt and slacks can totally meet that definition. OP has to decide if the venue/demographic is enough to really push on this. And Sweater + slacks means he’s making an effort, but doesn’t want to commit to owning a suit that he won’t use in the next 365 days.

            Geez.

        • different anon

          Honestly? I think that dress is SO inconspicuous as to become conspicuous–it is not even slightly celebratory. It says boardroom not wedding.

          “Formal” gives you the scope to either wear a long dress, or a very formal cocktail/shorter dress. It doesn’t have to do with length so much as the formality of the presentation, materials, etc.

          In your place, I would go for something closer to the options I’ll link below.

    • Anon

      Funny the other commenter says it’s drab. I think it’s beautiful and tasteful. I’m not sure what would en in-drab – I guess more trashy details like a plunging neckline or a short hemline – but that is the opposite of what you’re going for. I like this dress and I’d go for it in your shoes.

      • Nope

        Plunging does not mean trashy. Short does not mean trashy. That’s getting way too close to “she deserved it” territory.

        • Anon

          Nope. I said trashy, meaning cheap. I did not say s1utty or anything of the sort. Back the F off.

          • Anonymous

            Yea, no. You know just as well as the rest of us that trashy is used to negatively describe women negatively. If you wanted to say cheap you should have said cheap. Also, plunging necklines and short hems look cheap if the construction is poor. You meant trashy.

    • Anonymous

      I like it and don’t find it drab at all. Love the pleating. It would be perfect for that type of wedding. I’d wear it with some sparkly earrings and silver heels.

      • Weddingwear

        Thanks for the second opinion! If you’re still reading — since you seem to have a slightly different take from the 10:41 poster above, do you agree with her that it’s fine to wear a cocktail dress?

        • Anonymous

          Yes, cocktail dresses are going to be the norm there. I would consider the dress you posted to be a cocktail dress. So does Nordstrom.

          • Cocktail dress

            Yes, this may not be especially “evening wear,” but I also noted that Nordstrom calls it a cocktail dress. Potentially confusing for the OP when first Anonymous said to buy a cocktail dress. I like the dress.

    • anon

      I don’t think it’s drab, but to me it reads business, not party. Get something fun!

  11. Anon

    Re Danish immigration: a lot of this was precipitated by things that the Danes consider barbaric, like not letting girls swim, or participate in sports, or even go to a coed school (the only public kind that exists there, so then the girl did not go to school at all). Danes will not stand up for restricting access to education and their understanding of childhood and social norms on religious grounds. I sinserely cannot blame them for it. If someone is so incompatible with the culture they’ve chosen to join that they will restrict a child’s rights to hold onto their beliefs, maybe they’ll need to pick a different place to oppress those who cannot defend themselves.
    Signed – first generation immigrant

    • Anonshmanon

      Although I’m not super familiar with Denmark, in neighbor country Germany lots of people are not going to church, yet Christmas and Easter are part of the culture for most families and in public life (we discussed this to a great extent here last Xmas). So if these celebrations to you are deeply religious, the thought might seem strange, but to a lot of Europeans it would be normal to describe Christmas and Easter as core cultural rituals, without implying that you need to be a Christian.

  13. Real estate woes

    Just venting/looking for sympathy. My house has been on the market for 3 weeks as of yesterday. We lowered the asking price 2% after week 2. We’ve had six showings, been shortlisted by a couple of families, but no offers. I’m getting frustrated and nervous. I know 3 weeks is NBD in some markets, but we’ve seen properties go under contract in a day or two around here. (Not in our specific neighborhood, which moves more slowly, but still, we’ve seen it happen.) Our home needs some cosmetic updates, but it’s fundamentally a nice place, it shows well, and the pricing is appropriate for age/condition/location.

    It’s just so, so hard to wait. Sigh.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry to say it but no offers means your house is priced too high. If it were attractively priced, you’d have offers by now. That is just the truth.

      • op

        Oh, I hear you…a home is only worth what someone will pay for it. But our realtor is a data junkie and we really trusted him to nail the pricing. :(

        • Anon

          There’s data junkie and then there’s your data: three weeks with no offers in a hot market. That tells you everything you need to know.

          • Anonymous

            This. Who cares what a realtor speculates it’s worth. The market is telling you what it’s actually worth.

          • Idea

            This because you only got 6 showings. Why isn’t it showing up in M L S when people look for # of BRs and your zip code and price? Why isn’t it even short listed for a showing from the realtors?

          • Anonymous

            Idea: it *does* show up. But we have 3BR in an area where many people apparently want 4+. Or, equally likely, they want to be in the next zip code over.

      • Anonymous

        +1 Generally, speaking the market tends to be slow right before July 4th and picks up a bit afterwards. However, the best way to move your house quickly (all other things being equal) is to lower the price.

        Your agent can run all the comps he/she wants, but comps are historical and meant to be a guideline, not present or future facts.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a realtor? What do they say? Gently, if houses usually move fast in your city and your place has been on the market for several weeks, then the pricing isn’t really appropriate for age/condition/location. You can hold out for more money, or drop the price and sell quickly.

    • Aggie

      A house in need of updates will sit on the market longer than a move in ready home. Have you entertained the thought of offering a carpet or paint allowance rather than reducing the price further?

      • Anonymous

        Or even better, take it off the market for a second, make some updates (even light fixtures and paint will help tremendously). And if you haven’t, stage your place or get as close to that as you can if you’re living there (allll personal stuff goes away, limit art and any extra stuff unless your place looks like it came out of the pages of a design blog).

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure where you are (though I have a few guesses if you’re in a market where things were moving in a day or two recently) and I honestly think that the market is softening in some of the more booming areas (CA excluded, because it’s just not comparable). I don’t know if it’s a sign we’re headed into a recession (though we’re probably due for one), but I did feel as though the housing market was just too hot to last where I am. Honestly, unless you have to sell, pull it for a few weeks and put it back on at the price you are now or a tad lower. Though the market seems softer and things are sitting longer, there’s still a perception that what doesn’t move immediately most have an issue…

      • op

        Yeah, I think timing is a big issue. We listed just before interest rates ticked up, and we’re in a price range where that probably has scared some potential shoppers into staying put where they are. Unfortunately, we can’t wait long to sell.

    • anon a mouse

      What feedback are you getting on the house? What are the things that are holding people back from making an offer?

      It’s hard to know without knowing your market, but a 2% reduction is not significant. You need to drop into the next 25K price bracket (eg if you are at 500, dropping to 490 doesn’t do anything, you need to drop to 475 to catch people with 475 set as their max.

      In my market (DC area) July is when the market completely bottoms out. People leave town and there isn’t much going on again until after Labor Day. Are your comps for this time of year (recent) or are they from earlier in the spring? It does sound like your pricing is too high.

      • Kat in VA

        Seconded on feedback. I’ve sold three properties, and when people looked at it and passed, I always tried to find out (discreetly) what it was that made them pass. Some of them were pricing-based, some of them were amenities-based (no, there is no FIOS on remote acreage in the Idaho countryside), some were just…silly? (“We didn’t like that the stairwell railing was natural colored wood, it should be white.” Paint it, then!)

        The best one was the ski condo in mountainous community, and apparently the wife said, “It’s too high up in the mountains.” Uh, it’s a ski condo on the ski resort’s…mountain? She also didn’t like that there were stairs. It’s a ski condo, not a rancher on acreage! We had a good giggle over that one.

        • op

          Our realtor is good about getting feedback from the showing agents, and it has almost all been positive (except for the very first person to tour, who thought it smelled funny, which literally no one else has mentioned). One family passed because they didn’t like the small living room, another because they didn’t like that it was so far back in the neighborhood, another because they felt the whole neighborhood was just too far from town.

          • nutella

            This feedback suggests two things to me: the pricing isn’t right or the market is just softening. Because an attractive price will outweigh those picky concerns for a lot of people. Alternatively, it could be the market softening. This could be temporary (July in my area is dead, people want to enjoy their summers, not spend it indoors house-hunting) or more long-term. I read an article recently that said suburbs and houses that are further from town are not selling like they used to. That was certainly true for us as buyers – we wanted something that was more walkable and were willing to prioritize that over an enormous lot and apparently a lot of other millennial buyers feel the same way. So highlight the features of your place – does it have an enormous back yard your kids love? Is it in a fantastic school district? Do you have an attached garage where a lot of the houses closer to town don’t? Do your kids play with neighbors on the street because it’s a quiet street? This can be done by your realtor as well as by staging – i.e. maybe nicer landscaping will make the home seem a tranquil and idyllic getaway or maybe your living room furniture can be scaled down a bit in staging to appear larger. Tell your realtor your favorite things about the home and how your family uses it so that he/she can frame it accordingly for prospective buyers.

      • Anonymous

        For anon a mouse above: we’re in a small city 2-3 hours outside of DC. Comps were recent. I think it’s a matter of location–if we were closer to town, it wouldn’t be a problem to sell, but our neighborhood is somewhat remote (that’s why we’re leaving, actually–the drive is just too much now that we have busy kids). People really sort of have to want to live in *this* particular neighborhood. As for list price, we started sub-250, and so dropping into sub-225 territory would be…a pretty major discount.

        • Anonymous

          Okay, then you’re going to have to be more patient. Given that information and the feedback from buyers you’ve received, you might get lucky but its more likely that you will have to be very patient. Are you Purcellville/Lovettsville/Lucketts area out there?

          • Anonymous

            Oops, sorry! You could clearly also be in MD. Derp – I am a VA kid and naturally assumed. You know what they say about that . . .

          • Baconpancakes

            Hi! I think you probably live in my small city. And yep, the market is (unbelievably) softening. Our neighbor’s house took three months to sell, when my SO bought our house the day it went on the market in 2014. And we’re a 10 minute walk from downtown. (Our house had a recent bathroom/kitchen upgrade with medium grade finishes, neighbor’s house has not been upgraded since the 90’s.) I would suggest pulling it from the market, do some low-cost renos and landscaping, and put it back up in late August, unless you really, really need to sell now.

        • Kat in VA

          I do know from recent reading that the real estate market is kinda flat around this part of the year (heat, travel, etc). I live in Manassas, if that helps. Houses stay on the market for longer than they would in, say, April or October. You might just need to be a bit more patient – none of the complaints sounded egregious to me. (The smell one is weird but you just never know…)

    • Anonymous

      I would just be patient. You don’t really need to lower the price unless it is a lot overpriced, people will offer what they think it’s worth.

    • Anonymous

      Has your agent done an “agent’s caravan” or an “agent’s open?” That’s where agents take a look at your house (ideally a day or two before it goes on the market) so that the other agents can see the property and flag it for their clients and tell the listing agent if they think the price is right. It’s great because you get the professional feedback from 10-20 agents instead of just the one. (I don’t know if all areas do these.)

      • op

        I’ve not heard of this. I assume if it was done here, our agent would have suggested it. But I’ll inquire, in case it’s not too late.

        • Anonymous

          If you are out past Ashburn, it’s not going to be useful most likely. It’s done in high traffic areas where agents can bounce from house to house and get food and drink. It’s not going to get traffic if you are 20 minutes from the other agent open(s) that day.

    • op

      OP here. We do have a realtor, who came *highly* recommended (including by a couple of real estate attorneys). I don’t think there’s anything wrong with his comps or deficient in his marketing. I think location is a big problem for us (it’s the main reason we’re moving, after all), and I also feel like maybe we listed the house at an unfortunate time (right before the rise in interest rates, right at the end of the school year, etc.).

      Obviously, we’ll further reduce the price if we need to. I’m just surprised that it’s not working out for us. In our market, there are a good number of properties available sub-200, and also a good number above 350, but really very little in between, which is where we are.

      • Anonymous

        That last issue (that you’re all alone in the middle) could frankly be part of the issue. In more rural/Shenandoah Valley, VA, the sub-200 market is attainable for many, and the above 350 only attainable for a few, but when you’re in the latter category, that’s what you really want. I’m picturing Waynesboro and thinking the market of salaried people who could afford 250-ish is actually pretty limited.

      • VA Anon

        The end of the school year is actually a great time to sell as families with kids will look to move over the summer. Has your realtor successfully sold in your neighborhood in the past year? That was the number one thing I looked for when I sold my house last year. Someone who knew how to market for my neighborhood.

  14. How "available" are you at work?

    Between going from undergrad -> working -> grad school -> working again I’ve definitely realized that there are ways I work best, and those ways aren’t that well suited to the typical office environment.

    How quickly do you reply to slack/internal IM?

    How often do you reply to email?

    I don’t have notifications on for either. I check them regularly (probs every 10-15 minutes for IM, every 30 mins or so for email) but don’t know immediately. I’m not in law or ibanking or something like that.

    Do you wear headphones?

    I’m also very jumpy, so I sit in my cubicle in such a way that my back faces the other side of my cubicle and not the open “pathway” between cubicles. Is this strange/picky?

    • Anonymous

      Not in law, but work for a large, international organization

      My internal IM flashes when I have a new message from someone. I will generally try to at least read/answer those right away (if not otherwise occupied), since they are (theoretically) quick questions.

      Email – decides what works best for your volume/type of questions. Either answer as they come in and you have a chance to read, or set up time on your calendar a couple times a day to go through your inbox.

      Yes, I wear headphones, occasionally, because I sit kitty-corner from the Admin and there can be a lot of auditory traffic I want to block out.

      Lots of people don’t like sitting with their back to the “door”. That’s pretty normal

      • How "available" are you at work?

        I also jump like 10 feet every time I’m startled, and enough people have seen that.

    • Anonymous

      I think most people try to sit so they can see the door.

      Idk about your industry but I think most people have their email/IM notifications on and respond quickly if not immediately. I DO think this takes away from productivity immensely. There are days that I feel like all I did was respond to email. If I need to concentrate on something for a long stretch, like writing a brief, I close my email and put my phone away. Sometimes people get mad but idk how else I’m supposed to get work done.

    • CountC

      I am not at a law firm, but work in a legal-adjacent group as a manager (contracts). I have always turned off email notifications and if I am busy and showing as busy on Skype, I ignore IMs until it makes sense for me to take a break from what I am doing to answer. I don’t save lives and things can wait an hour if I am in the middle of something else. I wouldn’t be able to get anything done if I was constantly responding to messages. FWIW, I am good at setting boundaries and expectations and recommend my team do the same.

      Once you start responding to emails/messages immediately, that becomes the expectation (exceptions of course if you actually DO save lives or have true work emergencies like a line is going to go down if you don’t respond or whatever).

      I sit with my back to the hallway behind my cube, but that’s only because I have no choice. The way the desks are configured there is no way to position myself and have all of my monitors be useful. I hate it, but it is what it is. I almost always have either headphones or an earplug in – I need silence to review documents. People knock on my cube closet to get my attention and, yes, sometimes I jump out of my chair but oh well.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not in a job that’s anywhere near Big Law or the like, but I can’t imagine not having email notifications on. We IM a little less in my office, but it would be weird to not have those notifications on too. My actual response time depends on a combination of how urgent the matter is and how easy it is to reply to.

      I absolutely wear headphones because I sit in a very tiny cubicle next to a ton of other people sitting in very tiny cubicles. The normal noise of so many people doing their jobs can be very loud and distracting.

      • Kat in VA

        I’m not in law either, but I always have email and IM notifications turned on. Some are of the type that can wait, some are on fire and need answering NOW, but at least all of them get a quick skim from me to check the temperature.

        Side note – I wear BT earbuds when I’m working, but only have one in one ear so that I can hear when people walk up on me or ask a question (so they don’t have to repeat themselves). I don’t know how many times people would walk up, say nothing, and just stand there – because they assumed I was on a BT headset. I really like these earbuds, they’re comfortable, they hold a charge for six hours (!) but I also don’t wear them in both ears because I don’t like being startled. I guess I don’t have a solution, just wanted to whinge a smidge.

        On the plus side, the VP of HR asked one time if I was listening to music or talking on the phone, and I told her I was listening to Mozart while making my coffee. She said, “Oh! THAT must be why everyone says you’re so happy and chipper, because you listen to classical all day!” I didn’t have to heart to tell her that the two songs before the Mozart on my playlist were “Du Hast” by Rammstein and “Master of Puppets” by Metallica. But it was nice to get a little feedback that people regarded me as happy and cheerful, if nothing else.

        /thread hijacking off

        • Anonymous

          Love this. We should be friends. I like to mix Drowning Pool – Bodies with Rachmaninoff in my daily mix.

          • Kat in VA

            I find the mix of music keeps me awake and on my toes, as dumb as that sounds. One minute, a little Godsmack. The next? Liszt!

            Though sometimes it’s a little difficult to keep a nice face when Dope’s “Die MFer Die” is nattering along in my ear… :P

            I just realized I ended my story with something that could be taken as rude. I should have written /end hijack instead of the more, uh, suggestive terminology (if you read it out loud)!

  15. YouTube Q

    My kids often watch YouTube videos of minecraft (or people playing minecraft), which I’ll let them do a bit in the morning since our camp time is a bit later than our bus time during the year.

    Today, I was working on my computer in the room (I’m usually around, cooking or working or doing house tasks) and looked up to watch a Minecraft-looking character on a video take a gun and shoot himself in the head and then fall over, presumably dead.

    W T F

    Tonight my husband and I are going to see how to remove the YouTube client from the TV and the remote is hidden away in the meantime. In the meantime, is there any way to report the video or flag it as not appropriate for young kids? My kids are 8 and 9 and never needed to see this, much less as something that happens so casually, with no context and now showing of the devastating consequences.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      There should be a dot-dot-dot on the far right under the video, past the thumbs up/thumbs down/share/add to playlist options, and one of the expanded options is to Report it for inappropriate content.

      But also, assume that Youtube is a toxic cesspool that children should not enter unsupervised. Even Youtube Kids. There’s a ton of really disturbing content masquerading as harmless children’s fun.

    • Eliza

      you tube is an out-of-control forum/website.

      nothing you do/report/etc will make a dent in the problem.

    • YouTube Q

      Thanks — I think that this was on YouTube Kids actually. As soon as I can figure out how to, it will be deleted. And until then, it’s not coming on again.

      I used to think of YouTube as hair tutorials and how-to videos for tiling. It is just vile. It might as well be just letting them PM with a bunch of pedophiles or play a bunch of first person shooter games.

      I didn’t get a computer until I was grown / had judgment. It is really upsetting how disruptive that is with such a pressure for kids to have things like internet-enabled phones and ipads before they have an emotional way to react to what they may encounter.

      • Anonymous

        I sense a great deal of pearl clutching in your posts. Yes, this is a problem and is something you should be concerned about. But be thoughtful in how you approach it. Just because you don’t know much about something (I mean, you don’t know how to delete an app? I can tell you’re not super tech savvy) doesn’t mean you should be afraid of it.

        • Anonymous

          Deleting clients on TVs isn’t the same as deleting an app.

          At any rate, if something had no filter for “s u i c i d e cartoons,” I’d delete. No need for stuff like that to grease the skids of the bad stuff available to kids these days. At least let them work a little harder for the bad stuff.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        I don’t see where the “pressure” for your kids to watch Minecraft videos is coming from, though. Just delete the app. This part is easy.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t let me kids watch You Tube or You Tube Kids because of these types of problems. We stick to the PBS Kids app or shows that we have downloaded onto their devices. I monitor when they are on their devices, but I don’t watch the whole time. They’re young and I’m sure this will get more difficult when they get older.

    • Anonymous

      Yea, you can report videos on YouTube. On iPhone, find the video, click on it, then click on the vertical “…” at the top right of the screen and select “report.” Something similar will exist on the web and android, I’m sure.

    • Anon for this

      I’m anon for this post and without saying specifically what my job is, I work with children/minors who are victims of crimes that often originate on the internet. I have two young children. Based on my experiences at work, I will never, ever let them access the internet without my direct supervision (as in, me or their father sitting beside them and watching the entirety of what is happening). I do not plan to scale back on this until they are old enough to drive a vehicle.

      I know that is a very unpopular, and some would say unsustainable, opinion. I understand. And I am otherwise a very laid-back parent, so I promise this is not some “I’m a perfect mom who maintains complete control over every aspect of my kids’ lives” thing… we’ve had boxed macaroni for dinner twice in the past week and I’m pretty sure one of them wore dirty shorts to school today. But the internet is the hill I’m willing to die on.

      I know a lot of parents rely on the internet for quick, short-term help (watching videos while you get ready, watching songs on a long car ride, etc.). I cannot stress enough how dangerous this can be. At my job, I have seen “relationships” form through YouTube comments that have devastating results for children. If they are old enough to read, they are old enough to be a target.

      My alternative is to download a few videos that my children can watch directly from my phone without having to use the internet. I put my phone in airplane mode any time my kids have it (even though I am also watching with them) and my preference is for them to watch via Apple TV so I can see it, so I can keep the phone on me, and so I can control it through the phone. I don’t mean to be alarmist. But at my work I have learned that the internet is very, very dangerous for children.

      • Anonymous

        But your kids are going to find ways to get on the internet without you, especially if you plan on keeping this policy in place until they’re halfway done with high school.

        • Anonymous

          +1

          Making something forbidden just makes something more appealing. Plus you expect them not to go online at school or friends’ houses?

      • Of Counsel

        As the parent of a recent high school graduate, I am going to tell you as kindly as possible that this is definitely not sustainable through age 16. It might (emphasize might) be sustainable through elementary school. By the time your kids are in middle school they are going to have friends who are going to think you are completely nuts (note that I don’t think you are nuts; but to a 13 year old who is convinced of their own maturity this will read as completely out of touch). Their friends are going to actively conspire to get your kids the access you are denying. Those friends will have iPhones with good data plans and house rules that are very different. They are going to be able to go to the library – and YouTube is not generally a blocked site. Far better in my view to closely monitor use while your kids are young while regularly discussing the ways it can be misused.

        I will also suggest that your profession has led you to be a bit paranoid about the internet. That is completely understandable (I litigated product liability cases for years and I still have anxiety about using some common items that are perfectly safe 99% of the time.) However, my experience from watching my kid’s friends has been that the ones who were the most sheltered are the ones who get into the most trouble later. Parenting is all about letting go and a teen who is old enough to drive is way past old enough to be on the internet without supervision.

        And to the OP – that video might have been inappropriate for You Tube Kids (not a service I have ever used) but as a general matter you should assume that any free website where the general public can post content is not appropriate for young children without careful supervision. You Tube has some great content; it has a lot of horrible content. If you want them to be able to play on the internet/watch short videos, find sites run by the media companies that produce the content. Yes – you will be supporting Disney, etc., but their content is going to be generally appropriate.

      • lawsuited

        I don’t know how sustainable this will be, but I’m really impressed that you’re trying. I think moderating screens and internet will be the major battleground for our generation of parents.

    • Also a Mom of a 4th grader

      Also — please please please talk to your kid about what you saw, and what HE (I think you said it is a son) thinks and feels about it. Is this normal to him? Does he know anyone with a gun? Does he know how to be safe around guns? Does he hear anyone talk about hurting themselves, how does it make him feel to think about it or talk about it, what would he do if he heard that a friend wanted to hurt himself or other people? Believe it or not, even early elementary school is NOT too young to have these conversations and focus them around your values and what to do if you or a friend needs help for any reason. And media!! Just talk about it.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        In our city, a teen went missing for a week. He was involved in scouts, the parents are good parents, he had siblings and friends he was close to. I remember how awful that week was. They go to our church and this was all over the news. They boy turned off his phone and drove to a hiking area a couple of hours away and killed himself. Hikers found his body a week or so later.

        It was devastating to everyone. It is devastating. It will continue to be devastating.

        That s u i c i d e happens in a cartoon marketed to children is unacceptable.

  16. t-shirt dresses

    Does anyone know of a good Cuyana silk tee dress dupe? I don’t need it to be silk, or nearly as nice, but I’ve been wearing the one I have a lot to work with a loose blazer/cardigan over it because the breeziness is nice in this heat. I’d kind of like something in a slightly sturdier fabric, but none of the usual stores I check for basics like this (Loft, J. Crew, BR, Gap, etc.) seem to have anything like it. Suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      If the Cuyana one works for you and you wear it all the time, why not get a second one? I get that the line is more expensive than fast fashion, but it’s not dramatically more than Ann Taylor, JCrew and the like.

        • OP

          I might end up doing that, but haven’t yet because the only other colors are black and navy and that’s the same as all of my cardigans/blazers, which just seems really dark for summer. But I might just go ahead and get the navy and pair with a camel/light grey cardigan. The other thing is they wrinkle like *crazy* and are kind of delicate. I’d like more of a workhorse.

      • OP

        Didn’t think of them! I think the Japanese GoWeave Short-Sleeve A-Line Dress is basically exactly what I need. Thank you!

    • anon

      I’m wearing the Everlane goweave a-line dress today and loving it- great in the heat.

  17. Anon

    PSA
    You can view the NAS catalog by going to

    Shop.nordstrom.com / content / anniversary-sale

    (Remove spaces, obvs)

    Midway down the page there is a link to view catalog

  18. Anom

    Styling help re shoe color? I’ve got on a coral/red (i.e., orange-toned red) tweed sleeveless shift dress. What color shoes? I’m brunette, caucasian with medium pale skin. I’m trying it with black flats with patent captoes. I’m not sure it’s right, but my nude for me pumps aren’t quite right either.

  19. KS IT Chick

    In the last 24 hours, I have become the “face” of a new initiative at my employer. In the last 30 minutes, I’ve been scheduled for 4 radio interviews & 2 newspaper interviews in the next 10 days about how the federal government is changing Medicare cards to help prevent identity theft. It isn’t “my ” project; I just happened to make people aware of it inside the organization. I’ve done a newspaper interview once, and I’ve never done radio.

    By the way: If you have elderly family members, help them figure out the new cards. CMS is getting rid of the Social Security Numbers from the cards, so it is for their own best interests to use them as soon as they get them.

  20. Anonymous

    I used to work in a really toxic, abusive work environment where I was job searching with no luck for over a year. I used to vent a lot about that job, probably multiple times a day, to DH. Probably very unpleasant for him but he dutifully heard me out. I’m at a new job now, and it’s 1,000,000 times better, but of course has minor annoyances, like odd coworkers some inefficient processes. I’ve been complaining about those to him too, and then qualifying it as “it’s nothing like before, no one is screaming at me, but still”, etc. Today I decided, no more complaining about work. This is a good job, these minor nuisances are not worth bringing home! Cheers

  21. Settling or Realistic?

    How do you know whether you are setting for a relationship or just in a realistic, grown up relationship? I’ve been with the same guy since I was 22 – 6 years now. He is absolutely perfect on paper, but I don’t feel like we have a ton of gardening chemistry and I don’t have that hard to describe, he’s my best friend, we can talk for hours feeling. Other than a more exciting gardening life, I’m not simply curious about what other options are out there. I just don’t quite have the wisdom to know if this what a long term relationship feels like or if I’m selling us both short. Can my collective wise sisters share some advice?

    • Anonymous

      For me, I think having multiple relationships helped – you settled in with 1 person fairly young, so I think that is tough. But one person is not going to be everything to you. Did you ever have good chemistry? Did you want to talk for hours when you first met him? Some of that definitely fades in time, but if it was never there I think that’s a red flag.

    • Anonymous

      I married that guy and am divorcing him 9 years later. No regrets because I got an awesome kid out of the deal, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You still have plenty of time to find someone awesomer, even if you do wants kids, and spending the rest of your life with someone w ho is not your best friend sucks.

      • Anonymous

        I also married someone with whom I got along well, we meshed, but it wasn’t a best friend / we can talk for hours type thing. I had the tiniest niggling doubt at the back of my mind when we got married – kind of a “is this all there is?” feeling. We got divorced 8 years later. We’re still good friends, and send each other pics of our respective pets (that had been joint), but we are both a million times happier with our respective new spouses than we had EVER been together. It’s like there’s a light / a spark / a happiness in our lives with our current spouses that was missing when we were married to each other and everything felt gray and dull but fine.

    • Kat in VA

      I have been with my husband for 30 years (the mind boggles – I met him in high school). The gardening levels will go up and down in frequency and intensity with time, space, eventual kids, work/life circumstances, health issues, and so forth. I had other relationships before him, and yes, sometimes picking carrots was way more intense, but by the same token, the other things weren’t there. Such as…

      Best friend feel / talk for hours / intellectually matched / similar humor / safety and security / loyalty / good work ethic …these are qualities that go for a LIFETIME because even with the hottest of hotty-hottest relationships, eventually gardening will slow down.

      Don’t overlook someone who is your soulmate but doesn’t necessarily strike crazy fire in your, uh, nether regions. Companionability, trust, faithfulness, good shared humor, and a sense you’re with who you’re supposed to be goes very, very far.

      That being said, if you are unhappy and you want more oomph in your gardening life, you can always try spicing it up with him first. Tonnnnns of articles on the internet for that – it could be something as simple as different lingeries, gardening in unusual or unexpected places, a bit of roleplaying, or maybe a bit of light k i n k if (and only if) you’re BOTH open to that.

      Sometimes you just do something a little different and it opens up whole worlds of new and interesting places to explore in the cabbage patch.

      • Anonymous

        I read it as OP saying she DOESN’T have those other sparks, either. In which case, I say set yourself free, OP.

        • Kat in VA

          Oh shoot, you are absolutely right. I misread that as she HAS all the other best friend/talk for hours/etc feels and that’s what I was responding to. Thank you for pointing that out and correcting me!

          If there’s no gardening sparks, no best friend sparks, no humor, talk for hours, hang out and just be, or anything else sparks…then essentially you’re just marking time with someone.

          In which case, Anonymous above me, I agree with your assessment – this is a simulacra of a romantic relationship if there’s no compelling reason to stay or go. Maybe that’s what she wants, but it sounds very dim, gray, and dreary to me. That being said, I’m not in her shoes and I wouldn’t want to make assumptions based on small amounts of data. But if there’s no compelling reason to stay, then…why stay?

    • BelleRose

      I posted a few weeks ago with a similar question about my BF. Based on responses, I worked a bit on spicing up the gardening, and talking to him about making a point to do so (he was all for that). That really helped.

      The biggest thing that made me decide to stay with him was actually when he took a trip and was gone for a week. Him being gone made me realize how much I enjoy spending time with him, how much fun I have with him, how much of a better person he makes me want to be, and how supportive he is. We had been missing the “can talk for hours” bit as well, but it came to life again since he’s been back.
      So I’m sticking with him :D

      Plus, the gardening when he got back from being gone? Oh, man!!! *fans self*

      • Anonymous

        I’m the anon at 12:44 – what made me divorce my husband was something similar – he left for a trip and I was just so relieved and happy with him gone! I realized I wanted that feeling to continue forever. Ha.

        • Senior Attorney

          That was me. My former husband traveled for work and was gone for months at a time. When he finally started working in town, that was pretty much the end.

      • Kat in VA

        Sometimes a solid break from gardening – even a planned one – can super duper rev up the engines for sure! (And I’m mixing metaphors but…yeah.)

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s pretty normal for gardening to get a little routine or even dull in long-term relationships and 6 years is not an insignificant amount of time. That said, did you feel passionate or a deep connection at the beginning? If not, I think you are probably settling for someone who is not a great match.

    • Anon

      That sounds a lot like my first marriage. Sorry to say that but it’s true. I had a LOT of fun after getting divorced and “dating” (sleeping around) and now I am married to my second husband and the bedroom life is so, so much better.

    • Settling or Realistic?

      OP here – thank you all so much for your thoughts. I appreciate it. These are great things to think about. We are also long distance (and have been for the latter HALF of the relationship – years now), with no clear path of reuniting. BelleRose your post is very interesting about being apart for a week really helping. We see each other once a month and even still… In any case, I am very happy that getting a little space helped you see things more clearly! Wishing you the best and thank you again!

      Kat in VA – 30 years, wowee! That is very special. I appreciate your tips.

      My Anonymous friends, thank you for your insight. That is exactly what I am worried about, that we’ll look up in ten years, still feel just okay and wish we hadn’t “wasted” (not the right word, but you get it) all that time together.

      Amp, below, thank you for your advice. That is a good way to look at things. I would say I have space to grow in the relationship (esp since its long distance, I am alone most of the time), but I am not sure I am growing towards him or away from him. It’s a sad thought because he is such a great person, its hard to conceive of something better. Good question to ask myself.

      Thank you all!

      • Anonymous

        I think long distance with no clear path of reuniting means you two should break up. I was in that relationship. For years. The longer it went on the more miserable it got. I know this isn’t the healthiest view, but I actually kind of resent that I wasted so much time in that relationship. I could have done so much more with my whole life.

      • Kat in VA

        Settling – I misread your comments that you DID have that deep connection without wild gardening sparks.

        Anonymous above me pointed out to me that you said you don’t have any other deep-feeling connection either.

        I think you should take stock and decide if you want to continue putting energy into a relationship that seems…diffident? Yes, diffident at best – kinda “eh, yeah, whateverish” is the term I’m looking for.

        Yes, 30 years is a long time – marked by so many dramatic ups and downs, terrible fights, worse reconciliations, drama, boring times, times where I swore to God if he took one more breath of air in my space I’d frying pan him upside the head. But I can honestly say that I have never been…eh, whatever toward him. I may have wanted to boot him down the stairs or shot him into space along with Elon Musk’s Tesla…or had days where he’s taken my breath away with how delighted I am that I bagged this dude and held onto him because he’s good people and he’s half my head and half my heart.

        But indifference? No, I can never say indifference. Comfortable, maybe even taken for granted sometimes, but never indifferent.

        Only you can decide how you want to spend your time. But remember time is truly the only real commodity that we have – and only you can determine how best to use it (and on whom).

        I’m sorry if I’m coming across as preachy. I’m not trying to lecture – honest! Only trying to give some insight that a very long marriage has hopefully allowed me. I wish you the best!

    • Anonymous

      If you’re thinking about breaking up with someone, then something’s missing. Idk if that something is you, or him, or how you two are together, but no, people who are in fulfilling happy healthy relationships don’t start wondering is there something better out there.

        • Anonymous

          Another anon here.

          Nope, never. When you’re with the right person, you just know, and you wouldn’t want anyone else.

        • Senior Attorney

          Never. I thought about “someone better out there” quite a bit in my first two marriages. This time it never crosses my mind, even for a moment.

        • Violette

          Never. Six years together and one year married, so still a new relationship compared to a lot of people on this board, but I have never once wondered if there was someone better out there for me (like I did in some previous relationships). I still feel lucky every day that we found each other.

  22. Amp

    Like you I was in a six year relationship from my early 20s (20-26). I ended that relationship for my own personal growth reasons – I would have described my relationship as loving, safe, great, fun, etc. although we too had a very hum drum gardening life that I lost all but perfunctory interest in. Your questions seem about how you feel about your partner – does he excite you enough, etc. The 20s are a huge time of self growth and I felt like I was held back by my relationship, as loving as it was. I would ask yourself – can I continue to grow the way I know I need to in this relationship? Can I change in the way I know I need to? That will give you some intuitive direction.

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