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Updated: May 26, 2022 287 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Linen-Blend Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman with long black hair wearing a blueish-purple blazer with matching shorts and a white top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This purpley-blue blazer from Torrid is such a gorgeous color that I’m willing to overlook the fact that it’s styled with matching shorts. (Can someone please tell me who is wearing short suits? Is there actually a market for this?) This blazer would look gorgeous with just about any neutral, but I would love to see it styled with an all-white outfit for a beautiful spring/summer look.

As an aside, I always think of Torrid as a Hot Topic-adjacent shop for graphic tees and the like, but they actually have a great selection of workwear basics for sizes 10 to 30. I’m super into this midi dress and this plaid blazer.

The pictured blazer is $85.50 and comes in sizes M–6X (equivalent to 10–30).

This shade of blue is tough to find a dupe for, but if you're looking for something in straight sizes, this blazer from Endless Rose ($120 at Nordstrom) has a somewhat similar, pretty shade of blue (plus three other colorways).

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Help me advocate for myself to get paid. I was recommended by my boss to fill in for him at a conference. The conference is hosted by a government agency. Originally it was just a 30 minute presentation of our particular work area, but now has expanded to also include a separate workshop, another presentation within that workshop, and final remarks. I’m glad to be asked, they said they ‘couldn’t pay me a lot’ and there’s been no word on payment since. The agency has asked me to participate in a few hour-long planning meetings. It will be more than 20 hours of my time planning and crafting the presentations all said and done, not including conference day.

    My normal consulting rate is 250 per hour but I’ve been paid 500 per hour to participate in expert group meetings. But I’d like to be asked back by this agency for other things so I’m open to a flat, lower rate. I’ve never had to ask like this – when basically the ball is already rolling – and am unsure how to open the discussion. Boss is out on an emergency and not reachable to ask. Thanks in advance for advice!

    • Anon

      I’ve never organized conferences for government but I’ve planned, organized, and ran trainings in federal and local government with presenters from all sectors and I’ve never heard of anyone being paid.

      Usually presenters’ prep work is a mix of company time and personal time and the conference/training itself is on company time.

      Honestly, even now that I’m in the private sector I’d never expect payment from presenting at a government conference, but I’d expect my company to allow me to work on the prep work while at work ( presentation makes company look good, builds good will). If it’s in my own time I’d chalk it up to pro bono or my civic duty.

      Long story short, I wouldn’t expect to get paid at all, let alone $250-500/hour.

      • anon

        All of this. You might get paid if you’re a big-deal keynote speaker (usually hired through an agency), but for what you’re describing, I would not expect to get paid.

        • Anonymous

          This. I speak at a lot of conferences. At most you will get free registration, and usually not even that.

          • Bonnie Kate

            Same. Once upon a time one of the conferences I go to even tried to make presenters pay for the speaking spots. It was a legit conference put on by a real industry association. I only know they were trying to “sell” the spots because they had openings, so I was asked by a colleague to fill an open spot, then the organizer asked me to pay for the speaking spot. I forwarded the message to the colleague who asked me the fill the spot and was like “wait what, you asked me” and I didn’t end up paying.

            FWIW, I think presenting at conferences and trainings is well worth the exposure.

    • Anonymous

      So I work for a government agency and I routinely ask some of the world’s foremost experts and scientists to contribute to meetings or events, they don’t get paid. If any of them asked me to be paid it wouldn’t happen and our relationship would be over. It’s not that I don’t think these people should be paid it’s just that government rules don’t allow it.

      • DCJ

        Another fed here. Agree that you’re likely not going to get paid. If you were, you would have gone through a contracting process before the work began. It’s a process and “a whole thing” and you would know about it.

      • Anon

        +1. Former fed contractor with experience organizing this type of event with expert speakers. There are only very limited circumstances in which a speaker fee is permitted, and it certainly will not match your typical consulting fee.

    • Anon

      I’m a lawyer and do a lot of speaking gigs like this and it’s all for exposure / to prove your expertise. As an outside speaker to a group of CPAs, I once got mileages, a night in a hotel, and dinner the night before, but otherwise nothing (including always covering my own airfare, hotel, meals). Where I work, we like to be seen as having thought leadership, but it’s a cost for us, not a break-even. At most, commercial CLE providers give us some free passes for associates.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with everyone else. You are either doing this to represent the company and therefore on company time or for your own personal exposure. Unless you are a keynote you will not be paid.

      Do talk to your boss though as it sounds like you may not have the time you need to prep.

    • Anonymous

      On the speaking side, I’ve never been paid for any of the dozen or so national gigs I’ve done (but was really good for my resume, networking, and to attend for free as well as reputation of our company ). On the hosting side, the most done privately was airfare reimbursement (capped) and covering hotel. Those paid were booked through a speakers bureau and were of a different level (AL Gore, Neil Armstrong, etc. level).

    • Anon

      Agree payment is unlikely or will be modest. Since they brought it up before you could casually revisit but I wouldn’t try to negotiate or demand a certain rate. In the future, politely decline the expansion from one speech to multiple speaking events if it’s more than you have time for or are willing to do for free.

    • Anon

      OK this is a good reality check. For context, Boss has been paid for this role (just the speaking engagement – it is a keynote) previously, but I don’t know how much. Too bad then, live and learn.

      • Anonymous

        A keynote is a bit different. If the person for whom you are filling in has previously been paid, you could ask to be paid whatever they’d planned to pay her.

    • Anon

      Hmm I’m a consultant and I was recently paid to present my work for a client at a conference. The client paid me to do so. I don’t want OP to think this 100% never happens. I would never have presented at this particular conference otherwise, nor would I have attended.

  2. Sad single OP

    I want to thank the posters who responded to my post asking for suggestions on how to keep active after a breakup/while being very very sad. Here to report that I signed up for a trail work day this weekend, a metalworking class in August, and have a bike ride and run scheduled with two different friends this weekend. I am still sad, but I am looking forward to all of these things now :)

    • Sad single OP

      I also signed up to give blood which is unrelated but makes me feel like I am doing something good and that helps too.

          • PolyD

            Metalworking class sound very fun.

            I’m cranky for different reasons and banging some metal sounds like a perfect solution to this.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Hell yeah. What’s your go-to snack afterwards? Mine are Lorna Doones. I love them. I know I could just buy them in the store but they taste better after giving blood.

        • Sad single OP

          I tend to bring my own bc of my dietary preferences – a Kind bar or something like that!

        • Anonymous

          Lorna Doones FTW! I am a frequent donor and I never ever eat cookies with the one exception being after I give blood. I don’t need a snack after donating but the Lorna Doones remind me of picnics on the beach with my grandmother.

      • Curious

        As a five-time blood recipient who was in and out of the ER when I needed the first three bags, thank you so much.

    • nananon

      Good for you! I hope you enjoy the things you have scheduled and I hope your sadness eases.

  3. Anon

    I just saw a two women out walking, each in a tracksuit that would have worked with waffle-sole running shoes back in the 80s. SMH.

    • Anon

      I read somewhere that the Juicy Couture track suits are coming back. At least in the 80s we didn’t have words across our butts.

      Also, what were leisure suits, exactly? Are they suits but in polyester so they were comfy? Did you wear them to disco in (but not to work)? I am sort of thinking this sort of outfit I could use.

      • Cb

        I saw one in the wild the other day! Debazzled Juicy across the bum. My class of 2003 eyes bugged out of my head.

      • Anon

        The company Juicy Couture started in the 2000s. Do you mean the velour clothing we coveted in the 1980s are back?

      • Anon

        Leisure suits were wide-lapeled suits meant to be worn without a tie. John Travolta’s white suit in Saturday Night Fever could be interpreted to be a leisure suit.

        My dad inherited his brother’s collection of leisure suits when said brother died in the early 1980s. My sisters and I laughed until we cried. They were well out of style by then, but apparently not with my uncle. Light blue and pastel yellow are the standouts in my memory.

      • Anon

        Help remember Y2K fashion. I was in a suits-daily office job and worse hose and heels each day, so have no idea what real people wore then EXCEPT that I watched MTV in the morning with breakfast and know that celebrities wore very low-cut denim (this is the XTINA DIRRRTY phase). SATC was out then? But IMO those weren’t real-people outfits, either (except maybe Charlotte / Miranda).

        • pugsnbourbon

          Very, very low-cut denim. Branded graphic tees. Denim miniskirts with a pleated ruffle. Gaucho pants. Newsboy caps. Neckties as an accessory. Superfluous belts. Wearing six tank tops at once for some reason. Capri pants with heels. Dresses over jeans.

          • Anne-on

            Don’t forget the slinky/sparkly/bedazzled camisoles paired with black pants and blazers. Lots of ‘designer’ denim and pointy toed heels too. And for some reason our ‘going out clothes’ were a mix of bandage dresses, ruffly miniskirts with tank tops, and business casual clothing? I had SO many blazers that I wore ‘out’. For ‘what regular people’ wore in Y2K watch How I Met Your Mother. Lily and Robin basically wore slightly fancier versions of what normal people wore then (there’s a reason every millenial has ‘going out tops’ buried somewhere in the back of their closets).

          • Anon

            ooooohhhhhh; that is all so bad. It’s coming back to me. Along with the Steve Madden loud black mules.

            [One benefit of not changing size until perimenopause was that my non-work clothes were vaguely preppy for a long time and that kept me away from 6 tank tops at once b/c LL Bean did not sell things like that nor did Talbots, which I seemed to think were the only options b/c I always got stuck in traffic trying to go to Tysons or Potomac Mills and got mad and gave up; but I did hit the Hanes outlet twice a year for stockings and I don’t miss that. It’s like I went to high school and college in a small town and was too busy at work to realize that there are clothes stores out there in the world. Now, they find me (The Fold, looking at you).]

          • Anon 2.0

            All spot on! Adding… kitten heel flip flops, chunky platform flip flops, slinky silk tanks, small floral granny prints, pleated jeans. Frankly, it’s a jungle out there these days in terms of fashion!

          • AIMS

            Tiny cardigans.

            Confession: I just bought tiny butterfly clips for my daughter and am so excited to do her hair (if she lets me).

    • Who Let That Cat In Here?

      The only thing SMH-worthy about this is your comment, OP. Thank God and all his dancing angels that my mother taught me not to make fun of people’s clothes. It’s just tacky.

    • Also Anon

      Why are you shaking your head? They’re just out walking and minding their business, they weren’t at work or at a wedding or in any other situation where “proper” attire was expected, and they were probably very comfortable. What’s the issue here?

    • Anon

      Are we really criticizing people for exercising comfortably now? Time for a reality check.

  4. New shoes?

    I’ve been trying to get more steps in and my feet are aching, particularly the tops of my feet. Do y’all think this is something that will pass or a sign I need new walking shoes? (Asics) I’ve gone from like 3000 steps daily to 7500 steps.

    • Cb

      I think this is just an adjustment over time. Are your feet swollen? Is it possible you have your shoes laced too tight?

      I walk 10,000 steps in Converse most days (I know, I know, I’ll regret this when I’m older) and on days where I walk significantly more, my feet do get sore.

      • Anon

        You will regret it when you are older. This is an easy area to care for your future self. Signed, hobbling senior

        • Cb

          But I’m not sure what to wear instead for my normal activities. Running shoes seem so clunky and overkill for my everyday walking/cycling versus actual exercise. Is it just that I’m destroying my arches?

    • Go for it

      Maybe, especially if they are an older pair.

      If you have a different pair of sneakers I would try those to see if it persists.

    • Anon

      How old are your shoes? If they are either old-by-age or young but have a lot of miles on them, you may just need new shoes. If you have had them for a year or more but have not worn them, they can just deteriorate from time. Also, could your shoes be laced too tightly? That would make the tops of my feet hurt. If you have a good running store near you, try having them fit you. Asics, for instance, probably makes 20 models of shoes for different running styles, so specifying “Asics” does not give a lot of insight into what type of shoe you are wearing. I presume there are also different models of walking shoes, but I’ve always just walked in my running shoes, so I don’t really know about that.

    • Anon

      Doubling your activity, especially from a very sedentary base will make you sore. Ramp up your activity slowly – you’re starting from scratch here.

      • Anom

        Agreed. How long have you been doing the increased walking? You’re not increasing by a crazy amount so should get better in a week? (Depending on your age, size and general health). Nice going on increasing your activity! Keep it up!

    • MagicUnicorn

      Have you ever been fitted specifically for walking shoes? I don’t mean just measuring your foot size, but by having someone look at your foot shape, walking pattern, etc. and recommending shoes specifically for your foot and gait. My local running gear stores do this (it’s free, and they don’t pressure you to buy anything). Definitely worthwhile.

    • anon

      Give it another week, and if you’re still hurting, I would say the shoes could be the problem.

    • Anonymous

      Visit a specialty running store, even if you only intend to walk in the shoes. They will analyze your gait and foot structure and recommend many pairs to try. (Do be aware that they tend to recommend adding Superfeet or similar insoles to everyone; I love Superfeet but not everyone actually needs them.) I have high arches, and pain on the tops of my feet always means that my shoes aren’t shaped right to accommodate my foot.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure this is necessary. If OP has a persistent problem then this is a great answer. But it could well be that her feet are adjusting to more movement (go OP!).

        • Anonymous

          Moving up from 3,000 to 7,500 steps per day shouldn’t make her feet sore.

          • Curious

            Hmm, not sure about that. With a lot of exercise it’s recommended to not increase more than 10% a week to avoid injury. My feet sure have been sore as I’ve increased activity post-chemo. In my case it turns out I was pronating like crazy due to hip weakness. OP, if it’s doable for you and the pain persists, any physical therapist worth their salt can do basic gait diagnostics and help you figure out if it’s really a foot / shoe issue or more about strength elsewhere.

      • Anonymous

        I would do this. I’ve had several bouts of plantar fasciitis before I knew what shoes work for my gait and arch. (And once they fit you, it’s really easy to just stick with a model.) Would have saved me hours of and hours of PT and cortisone injections (and kept me active) if I had done that sooner. If your feet hurt, then nothing is good. And if you plan to do a lot of walking, I look at this as investment in staying healthy while doing it (just like you would wear proper shoes for soccer vs. basketball). Also, as you get older or gain weight, it gets harder and harder for your feet to just “bounce back” the next day. A lot of the advice here is probably stemming from folks in their late 20s and 30s who are fairly active. Trust me that 40-something and up you will thank you for not putting tears in your arches or giving you bunions from bad footwear. Foot strength really differs for people. I’ve learned the hard way that if I do no-arch Converse for a 2-mile walk, the after effects are there for weeks and weeks–every time I step out of bed in the morning or an an overall “heaviness” that holds me back from walking as much as I currently do.

      • Anon

        +1
        My aunt is a podiatrist and recommended Hoka shoes for even just walking. I have very high arches from what she has said and the Hoka shoes have really helped me. I even wear them just running errands.

    • Anonymous

      Over what period of time are we talking? I did 25k steps in Birkenstocks (thanks Disney with young kids!) and my feet were not happy but they recovered in a day.

      In my sneakers 10k steps is nothing. But if this is day 1 or day 2 for you then I agree, give it a week or two.

    • Anon

      Tops of feet sounds like you’re lacing them too tight. Bottom of feet I’d say is just adjusting to the new activity level.

    • Anonymous

      I honestly have no idea if this is even connected, or how, but I have high arches and the tops of my feet always hurt when I’m wearing new sneakers without the special insoles I have.

    • Nonny

      Asics stability tennis shoes helpful when uping mileage. Physical therapist said Brooks and Asics are the best because more cushioning. Brooks ran smaller at least a few years ago they did, so I am on my 9th pr of Asics stability tennis shoes.

  5. Anonymous

    I am dying to go to the Mediterranean this summer but because of work I can’t. I have the whole of Dec 26-Jan 3 off. Where can I go that is most like the Mediterranean in summer? Argentina maybe? Would South Africa have this vibe at all? I think I’ll be traveling alone so while I really want to go to Sri Lanka or Morocco that doesn’t feel solo woman friendly enough for me.

    • MagicUnicorn

      I am confused. If you could go to Argentina or South Africa, why couldn’t you just go the Mediterranean?

      • Anonymous

        Because in winter when I can travel it will be cold. I specifically want the Mediterranean in summer vibe.

      • Anonymous

        I think she wants something in the Southern Hemisphere so it is summer.

    • NYCer

      IMO nowhere is realistically going to be like the Mediterranean during the summer, but if you’re looking for warm weather, Sydney, Australia is one of my favorite cities in the world and is a great place to visit in December. You could also consider Rio de Janeiro and Cape Town.

    • Anon

      If you have the option to travel in shoulder season like May or Sept, it’s as nice or nicer than summer (good weather and fewer crowds). Even April and October are probably pretty decent.

    • Anon

      I’ve spent New Years in Buenos Aires and around Sydney – I don’t think BA is as warm as you want, but Sydney would be perfect (although a lot of travel for just a week if you’re coming from the east coast like I was. If you can take a few more days off on either end, I would recommend that!) I enjoyed Sydney a lot, although NYE is extremely popular so it probably won’t be cheap. I LOVE Rio, but I’ve never been by myself so I think that would depend on your comfort travel level. Costa Rica isn’t Mediterranean-feeling but has some amazing hotels that I would enjoy for the week if your goal is to sit by a pool with a drink and an amazing view. I’ve also done Sicily for that Christmas to New Years weekend I loved it. While its not “sit out in the sun” warm, it was warm enough to sit in a piazza with a glass of wine. Enjoy your trip – I love traveling that week between Christmas and New Years.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks! Sicily is intriguing. I’ve actually been to Australia several times so will save a return trip for when I have longer to spend. And I’ve never been to Rome so maybe a couple days there and Sicily would be nice?

        • Same anon

          Rome is one of my favorite cities, and I think its perfect to do solo. A few days in Rome and then flying to Catania and doing eastern Sicily sounds like an amazing trip to me – staying at either an agriturismo near Mt. Etna if you want to do more outdoorsy things, or Syracuse if you’re looking for a town with more to do. I found western Sicily harder to get around, but had truly incredible ancient temples and ruins, if that’s an area of interest. If you go, eat plenty of cannoli.

        • Lived in Italy for 2.5 years

          Rome IS perfect to do solo, but winter in that part of Italy can be very rainy and wet and chilly. Definitely NOT sitting in the piazza weather. Mid-30s/low-40s and rainy is my least favorite weather because the cold seeps in to your bones. That said, Rome is gorgeous around Christmas because all the lights are up and its festive, but things also close down. A lot of restaurants/shops will be closed from ~Dec. 20-Jan 6 so it’s also… a more complicated time to be there.

          • NYCer

            +1. I LOVE Rome, but end of December would not be my recommendation for a first timer.

          • Anon

            +2 I love Rome, but it’s often really cold and rainy that time of year. It’s nothing like the Med in summer, that’s for sure.

    • Anon

      If you can’t find an international location that works, a fancy hotel in SoCal might get you some of what you’re looking for. Weather can be iffy that time of year (50 and raining if you’re unlucky), but given that CA is in a more or less permanent drought state, odds are that it will be 70 and sunny. Water is definitely too cold for swimming, though. Depends what you want to do on your trip and how important it is to be out of the country… I agree with the Australia recs, but it seems like you don’t have quite enough time for that to feel worthwhile.

    • Curious

      I was in Tunisia in February about a decade ago and it was quite warm. Israel in November, ditto. So maybe North Africa or the Middle East?

    • A

      Not Sri Lanka. Very safe for women but they’re in the middle of an economic crisis.
      Maldives, Zanzibar, Seychelles, Mauritius, etc.

  6. anon

    To the poster from yesterday asking about this topic: Josh D got 12.5 years in jail and 20 years probation after that. I hope this means he’s done and out of public life (and his family’s life ultimately) for basically the rest of his life.
    Via comments on this news I discovered the “Behind the B@st@rds” podcast has a two part ‘cast on him and how the religious cult and culture his family is involved in helped cover for him. It’s not incredibly well edited, but goes into background that helps a person from other faith or secular backgrounds understand how this particular bent of evangelical belief has found a foothold in politics via republican candidates and how the power dynamics in this cult empower the abuser, keeping all blame on the victims. They sight books and sources – this isn’t just their opinion. Language warning. Insightful stuff if you’re interested.

    • Anon

      Interesting. I also read that he can’t have unsupervised contact with his own kids (makes sense, considering what he did to his sisters). And when he was a 15YO perpetrator, one of his victims was 5. 5! IMO the parents always knew and that is why they designed the big house so that you had to go through the parents’ bedroom to get to the girls’ “dorm”, but ewwww on so many levels. I’m also a bit surprised that this supposed conservative culture is so tolerant of a POS like him where I’d expect them to throw the book hard at him and not look back. The privilege of having a Y chromosome?

      • Anon

        This story is absolutely the tip of an iceberg in patriarchal evangelical culture. There are so, so, so many scandals that don’t involve television celebrities. These kinds of crimes are framed as “sins” that offenders can “repent” of and then pastors will marry these guys off to young, sheltered women to help them “avoid temptation” going forward. It’s a disaster.

        • Anon

          “then pastors will marry these guys off to young, sheltered women to help them “avoid temptation” going forward.”

          They definitely tried that with Josh, to no avail. I am sure his wife had little-to-no idea how severe his proclivities and impulses were when she agreed to marry him. Or if she did, I’m sure she was counseled that by being a good wife to him he could overcome all of it. I feel for her, genuinely. I am sure in addition to now having to raise her kids on her own, she’s subtly or not-so-subtly being blamed for his “fall.”

          • Also Anon

            He was actually involved with someone before Anna – I’m sorry, I don’t remember specifics like her name or the year or anything – but once she found out about his past, she rightfully noped out of there, and I think it’s why when he and Anna got together, he skipped the courtship period and went right into an engagement. Watch the proposal scene though, she’s got that uncomfortable deer-in-headlights look the whole time.

      • Anon

        The power of the Y chromosome is right. There’s a belief that boys will be boys and all that. These groups are much more aimed at controlling girls and women than they are at preventing abuse.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        These type of conservative groups do everything possible to protect and defend men. Think of all the mega church pastors with massive scandals that get covered up for years. They talk big game about morality, but they care farrrr more about the appearance of propriety and traditional gender roles than they do about actual morals.

    • PolyD

      Thanks for mentioning that podcast, sounds like something I will check out. I have a sort of fascination with these religious cults.

      Another good podcast is Leaving Eden, by a woman who was brought up in the fundamentalist Baptist religion but left during her college years. She, too, has a lot of insight into the way these people tick, especially the women. It’s very interesting.

    • Anon

      How exactly to folks like this blame the victim when the victims are young children (and the perp is a grown-a$s man (who originally started this as a teenager))? I get that this crowd makes women out to be hussies (sort of like the book Nine Parts of Desire goes into about fundamentalist muslim branches and which undergirds the idea of keeping women covered and separated and only out in public with a male relative or guardian), but children of tender years?

      • Anon

        Read Sheila Gregoire and Rachel Denhollander for insight into that. (They are both very faithful women who call out how un-Christ-like this all is.) The short version is that they just see the female body as tempting, and once it’s firmly ingrained that women are stumbling blocks, it just gets transferred onto girls.

        If you want to be sick, read the Instagram of the father who had his six year old run a marathon a few weeks ago. The relevant posts from January, in which he describes how he screwed up his daughter by sexualising her body at an incredibly young age.

      • Anon

        https://www.salon.com/2014/02/24/how_christian_conservatives_blame_victims_and_let_rapists_walk_free_partner/

        See also Exvangelical podcast, Investigation articles into the Bill Gothard Institute sexual scandals, more recently the SBU Sexual Abuse scandals and on and on. When the belief structure is such that all sexual contact before marriage is a sin, there’s a big chance that a consensual hand hold before marriage is equivocal on the sin scale to rape, molestation, etc. women are taught they need to be pure for marriage, plus that their existence is a temptation for men. Think the modesty movement. It’s on the women to help the men stay in the straight and arrow. Men are taught they are always the one with the power of leadership on their side, but absolutely powerless to stop their internal sex drive if they are turned on by the sight of someone else. It becomes that someone else’s fault for causing the men to be turned on in the first place.
        Super Toxic and something to understand and deal with thanks to Christian nationalism and all its variations starting to infiltrate American politics and policies.

        • Anon

          It’s not directly related, but I am always struck by how in the American West, women got the vote almost immediately. Something about going across the country in a wagon seems to have gotten the point across to men that they likely only jointly survived and really needed the help of women. It always feels different out there.

          I like Mary Poppins, where the mom needed a nanny so she could go out and be a suffragette.

          • ArenKay

            Anon at 10:26 is correct; this was a way to get marriageable uteruses in the area. Wyoming and Colorado were first two states; no feminist hotbeds there.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I read a great article years ago (that of course I can’t find) about how this community has no real concept of consent, so any s*xual “sin” is seen as equal to another (unless it’s with someone or the same sex). It’s sickening.

    • Anon

      I get why these cults are appealing to men. It must be nice to live in a world where you never do anything wrong. I’d never leave it.

      OTOH, aren’t they all horrid for women AND all of the guys who don’t rise to the top? They can’t all raise families of 10+ on one salary (b/c you know that little lady is barefoot and pregnant and certainly not leaving the house and any real man could support his family without a woman’s help).

      • Anon

        Yes. I married into an evangelical community and while I have great respect for those who on fire for their faith, the cultural baggage is horrific.

      • anon

        I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian community, though not as cultish as the Duggers. They simultaneously taught that women were subservient to the men, could not be leaders, should be homemakers and raise the children AND turned a blind eye to women making money. Granted, most of the women who worked were in traditionally female professions–teaching, nursing, administrative assistants. But these were middle class families, and almost all the women worked. The pastor and ministers (including my dad) were paid very low salaries and as independent contractors (there’s apparently some tax exception for churches that allows this?) and no benefits–so their wives all had jobs with good benefits.

        My mom was a doctor. The church was perfectly happy to cash my parent’s tithe checks. Church members loved calling her to discuss their illnesses for hours. But she wasn’t allowed to teach a co-ed Sunday school to any male over the age of 12, unless she and my dad taught a couple’s class together. She was not accepted on medical mission trips where she would be in positions of equality or seniority over men who attended. They left the community over this sh*t as I got older and they didn’t want me around the toxic nonsense. (This is just some of the toxic nonsense.)

        • Anon

          Did you have brothers? I grew up with just a sister and no brothers and I feel like it is what made my father really see things through my eyes. Not that he’d be an ogre if I’d had a brother, but I feel like they don’t get it with a wife and somehow see things much differently when it’s their daughter having to deal with things.

          • anon@11:44

            I was an only child. They say things changed over time and that the church became more fundamentalist and more political. My mom was angry for herself, but I think there was a component of not wanting to teach me to accept that nonsense.

        • Anonymous

          They have to because things like Quiverfull focus so much on having as many children as you possibly can.

    • Anon 2.0

      I was that OP. Thanks! I will definitely check out the podcast. I grew up what I’d call “adjacent” to this belief system. My family, thank goodness, did not subscribe but I knew a lot of people who at least “sipped the Kool-aid” of this belief system and its something that still interests me. I also find it interesting that the Duggar family has covered for Josh yet pretty much froze out Jill for being a normal adult with their own beliefs. If you want to go down the rabbit hole, Anna has multiple siblings who have left the cult and have offered assistance to get her and the children out, which she has refused. (And it seems one sister is extremely well off and had the means to get her OUT if she really wanted to.)

    • anon

      Do you think the judge awarded 12.5 years specifically so that his children would be grown by the time he got out? I can’t help but wonder that.

    • Also Anon

      I’ll admit, twelve and a half years seemed low to me, I was really hoping for the max sentence or something very close to it, but the 20 years probation made me feel better. Especially knowing that, considering his background, he is very likely to offend again, and he’s bad at covering his tracks so I’m just crossing my fingers that if he does reoffend, he’s caught immediately and hauled back to jail for a very long time.

  7. Anonymous

    Ok but seriously – who is wearing short suits??? I can only see models, social media influencers, and maybe college students. Anyone on this board? If yes, when and how?

    • Anonymous

      The last time around, I saw some admin types wearing short suits in not-fancy offices. Think The Office, not a law firm.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think it would have looked like this. I saw them more socially (showers, day events) and they were usually more like a structured fit.

        I also would check some of the stereotypes here. I’ve seen a lot of non-urban law firms that can only dream of being Scranton. LOL.

    • Anon

      I feel like this is a brunch look, but in my climate I’d never add a layer if outdoors.

    • anon

      I don’t know, but I really love this jacket. It is one of my best colors, and super hard to find.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Agreed, it’s a great color. The alternative listed comes in emerald and pink too
        .

      • Curious

        Yes, bought it for this reason! Maybe my first click through and immediate buy from this s!te.

    • Ribena

      I see people wearing them for things like brunches, lunches, and social events that I personally would wear a rufflepuff dress dress for. The message is “I’ve put a bit more effort in for this but I’m not dressed corporate” for both of those outfits

      • Anon

        +1 – I like the look as an alternative for things that are fun. Not all my clothes are for the office.

    • Anon

      Even if someone would consider a shorts suit, the long jacket and short shorts give this a “no pants” look. Not good.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. There are versions of shorts suit that I think are great for social occasions of all kinds but this is not one. I like the jacket featured without the shorts, though.

    • anon

      There is a young, pretty, and fashionable administrative assistant in my office. She definitely stretches the boundaries of what’s appropriate for the office, but nobody really cares. She was wearing a short suit the other day. I had an “oh wow” moment. So, yeah, at least one 20-something is wearing these to a conservative office, but she’s too adorable for anyone to say anything.

  8. Anon

    Jackets IMO are for warmth and/or to telegraph authority or are fashion items. Are there any office jackets that are actually warm? I get that they convey authority and can be fashiony, but I’m freezing here in the A/C and feel like my only option is to wear a fleece as my “third piece,” which is not good. The jardigans I’ve tried are some nylon or poly material that don’t help with warmth and sweaters now seem to overwhelm me (I’m short, so a giant cargiban makes me look like an Olsen twin).

    • anon

      I think it’s all about what you layer with. But for whatever it’s worth, when the AC is cranking, the only thing that really helps me is either draping a fleece blanket over my lap (front part of desk is covered, so it doesn’t show) and making a point to get up and walk around at least once an hour. Get the blood moving.

    • anon

      You could layer a jacket over a sweater, even merino wool. It would have to be slim fit rather than loose. For example, JCrew Margot should work.

    • Ribena

      Yes! I have a wool felt blazer jacket from Boden a few years ago that is an actually warm layer. I love it. Searching something like ‘schoolboy blazer’ might help you find similar

    • Vicky Austin

      I have a big wrap cardigan by Liz Claiborne that was a gift from my mother-in-law. It’s basically a blanket with sleeves and I have zero shame about snuggling into it when the AC blasts. I was also eying the J. Crew cashmere or cotton-cashmere wraps for a while; you can wear those a number of ways and with cashmere they’re bound to be warm, so that might fit your bill?

      • Anon

        Maybe I should just go straight to a Snuggie and drop the pretense. If you don’t want me to look like a clown, lay off the A/C and don’t blow such a big whole in the planet’s ozone.

        • Anonymous

          I have a snuggie in my office and huddle under it regularly. I’m an academic, though, so dress code is essentially, are you clothed?

    • Anon

      I keep a black Eileen Fisher wool cardi in my office. I have a lightweight cashmere wrap in my bag at all times. These help lots. Think: wool, cashmere, alpaca, if you want warmth.

  9. Career musings

    If I stay at my toxic firm another 2-3 years, I expect to have a portable book. (All other partners on these files are fully retiring in .5-1.5 years.) Expectation is I’d make between $170-$200k before taxes, benefits, etc. (I’m currently at about 120). I’d be fairly self sufficient and wouldn’t have to work on files with others/could decline work on files from specific people.

    If I switched firms the next couple months, only a smattering of clients would likely follow. I’m the primary contact but the partners who are still here would probably “unretire.” Other firms in my area would pay me 120-130 with no/a minimal book but I would be a service partner and have to start over with client generation.

    Or, I can apply and likely get an in house counsel job in my region. It sounds like most pay around 110, but also cover part of the benefits costs.

    Open to any opinions. In some ways I love the future freedom of option A, but staying associated at this firm makes me wince. On the other hand, other firms and companies may have similarly bad cultures. (Yelling, poor bookkeeping which means constantly corrected financials, high turnover)

    • Anon

      Partners don’t retire. Unless there is a firm rule of forced retirements at a certain age, I would bounce. Even with the forced retirements, many cling on as non-equity partners until actually shoved out the door. If their buddies run the firm, they are not going. I don’t know your region, but I think you will make more than $110K in house, and you can always leverage for better and better titles and compensation by moving around (strategically).

    • Anon

      Is government an option? My state government salary and benefits are competitive with the numbers OP listed.

    • anon

      Partners don’t retire and the few times I’ve seen one retire, the heir apparently doesn’t get nearly as much business handed off. Meaning, the client coverage is passed to heir apparent within the incumbent firm, but the client uses retirement as an excuse to shop around / spread business around to other firms, regardless of how closely heir apparent has worked with the client up to the moment of retirement. In short, do not count on retirements for your business plan.

  10. anon

    Any endometriosis sufferers on board? I’m at the point where I need some surgical intervention. I had an excision about 7 years ago, so I know what that’s like. Not fun, but it’s doable. My doctor and I were talking through the options and she threw it out there that I could do another excision, OR consider going straight to a hysterectomy. I’m done having kids and pretty over periods, tbh. I am not young anymore (early 40s), but I’m not knocking on menopause’s door, either. I guess I’m leaning toward getting the excision and hoping it buys me more time before I’d need a hysterectomy. Both because it’s major surgery, and because I’m somewhat concerned that it would mess up my hormones even more. Which may not be a real thing, but there’s no going back if you choose that option! If you have used one of these options for endo, is there any real benefit to going with the more invasive option?

    • edj3

      I had my uterus and left ovary removed at 43 (heavy, never ending periods not endometriosis). Because I still had my right ovary, I didn’t get into peri/meno/post-menopause until my right ovary said it was time.

      BEST decision I ever made. I didn’t realize how much my periods ruled my life (had supplies stashed everywhere and found them for a couple of years afterwards). And my anemia rose to merely slightly below normal rather than in the basement levels. Oh and no more pain.

      Because I’d had a lot of abdominal surgery before, I had to have another abdominal incision, couldn’t go with laprascopic. You might see if that’s an option for you, as healing is much faster.

    • Anon

      I can’t speak to endometriosis, but had a hysterectomy in my late 40s due to fibroids, and it went very well for me. The surgery was laparoscopic, I had minimal pain afterwards, only missed a week of work, and have to search around to find the tiny scars. Ovaries were not removed, so I didn’t go into menopause immediately. I’ve heard that hysterectomy can cause menopause to happen earlier than it otherwise would have, but not sure if that’s really true?

    • Anon

      I don’t think I could handle hysterectomy. Early menopause would be a disaster for me, and hysterectomy doubles the risk of ovarian failure. I am also pretty sure I need my uterus for structural reasons to avoid prolapse. I would kick that can down the road personally.

    • Agurk

      Endo tissue grows everywhere BUT the uterus and a hysterectomy won’t help (it does help adenomyosis though). Check out Nancy’s Nook if you are not familiar with it – by far the best resource I have found.

    • Oh so anon

      After trying all the treatments and seeing multiple specialists, I had a total hysterectomy (laprascopic) in my 20s due to severe endometriosis. It was life changing in the best way. The recovery was not bad – I went back to work six days later. I have had no problems or negative side effects and would recommend it to anyone suffering from endometriosis.

  11. Allie

    Hi – for the posters yesterday asking what else can be done about guns in the US besides calls/voting, I found this really interesting and not the usual advice: https://ournextlife.com/2022/05/25/divest-guns/ (with the caveat that I don’t think I personally have the time/resources to do this, but I do think it’s great advice).

    • Anonymous

      Huh? The whole point is that you don’t need time or resources. It took 5 minutes on the phone yesterday to shift my retirement funds from the general fund to a socially responsible one that doesn’t invest in guns.

      • Allie

        Awesome! So glad you can do that. Just wanted to be transparent on my own abilities.

    • Anon

      This is a great idea! I have some investments in a socially responsible fund and need to shift more to that. Thanks!

  12. anon for this

    Suggestions for cusp or plus-size hiking pants? I’m anywhere from a 14 to 18 depending on brand. Someone posted some that looked promising a few weeks back, but I’ve forgotten the name.

    • Anoneighmys

      REI’s house brand has a good range of sizes. I’ve found all their stuff to be well made.

    • AnonMom

      I’m a curvy pear, 33″ waist and 44″ hips, and just bought a pair of size 14 Mountain Hardware pants from Poshmark that fit fantastically well.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Duluth or Athleta. If it’s for very warm weather, I like the Aphrodite style from NorthbFace.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’ve been getting targeted ads for Alder Apparel. They’re out of my price range but their stuff looks really nice and comes in a wide range of sizes.

    • Anon

      I would look at reviews on Wardrobe Oxygen. There has been a review for active pants in a range of sizes fairly recently.

    • Nudibranch

      REI has a selection in larger sizes. I searched for my size/s, ordered 6 hiking pants in various brands and styles to try on, kept 3, and returned the rest. No problems with returns. It worked out great for me.

    • Anon.

      I’m you. Columbia has been a great option for me. (Although I recall another commenter here having nightmares with their customer service.)

    • anon

      I love Eddie Bauer Guide Pro pants. So flattering and comfortable, with multiple pockets.

  13. anon

    This is hopefully a fun and frivolous question. This summer, I am bound and determined to inject more fun and enjoyment into my days at work. The truth is, I would love to take 3 months off of work to hang with my kids and basically have my own personal summer camp. I try to cram as many fun, outdoorsy activities into the evenings and weekends as I can, but let’s face it, I’m still a middle-aged grownup in the office. Was thinking about buying the new Olive and June nail polishes simply because they’re pretty and have fun summer-camp names (hello, Blue Canoe). IDAGF if anyone judges my blue nail polish; I’m senior enough that I can probably get away with it. I also want to make sure I’m getting outside during my lunch break (though it’s tough because I’m not in a very walkable area, unfortunately). Any other ideas for making my summer actually feel like one?

    • Vicky Austin

      Last year, inspired by someone here, I made a summer bucket list for myself, and it was things like:
      -Drink rose on the patio
      -Take the dog swimming
      -Make my own pesto
      -Standing ice cream date with my husband
      -Regular library trips (the library in summer is a core childhood memory for me)
      -Eat as many meals outside as I possibly can (highly recommend even for office days! Even if you have to drive to a lunch restaurant with outdoor seating, sitting in the sun for that Vitamin D is worth it.)

      • Vicky Austin

        Just realized some of these are not office friendly, which is what you were actually asking – sorry.

        • Vicky Austin

          yay!! I’m writing mine up now. We should have a full-on thread about this later.

    • Anne-on

      I’d suggest posting on the moms page too, this came up recently and people had great ideas. A few that stood out : pizza pool parties – work from home on Friday and order pizza (or takeout) to your local pool – shower off there and bring the kids home in PJs to go right to bed.
      Eat dessert outside – most nights in summer we have popsicles in the yard and then toss a ball around. When my son was little we used to do bakery and the beach – hit the bakery right after he woke up and eat breakfast at the beach and then look for shells. It was great to be at the beach before it got really hot/crowded.
      We started driving dowtown on Sunday nights to grab cones and walk around our historic downtown area. Not very much money but a fun way to get out of the house and bring a little excitment to the end of the weekend.
      I’d also suggest trying to get as many of your chores (laundry, groceries, errands) in during the week so the weekends can be relaxing and restful – I’d rather hit the grocery store/CVS/UPS store on a Wednesday night anyway as they’re less crowded!

      • Explorette

        I’m starting my Summer Bucket List now, what a great idea! I’m adding go to a waterpark.

    • AIMS

      I don’t know if this is doable for you but I used to work with a woman who had enough time accrued to take off a]every Friday afternoon in the summer. She said it made a huge difference to actually have this “on the books” – she made a lot of plans for lunch, classes, etc.

      • Anon

        +1 the best way to make summer feel like summer is to take a lot of time off, whether it’s every Friday afternoon or every other Friday or only working until 3 pm most days or whatever.

        With WFH, it can be easier to do this informally. I don’t use official leave but try to sign off at 3 most days in the summer (I check email in case of an emergency, but my job is not one with lots of crises) and take my kids to the playground, pool, to get ice cream, etc.

      • Anon

        I know lots of people who do this unofficially in my office. We get a lot of time off. The office is pretty empty on fridays!

    • Nylongirl

      I love the idea of a summer bucket list. I’m thinking breakfast out during a week day with the family, going to a hibachi restaurant, ping pong games, uno playing, book challenge, ice cream out, movie night, game night, volunteer at food bank, drive-in movie night, visit to art museum, visit to zoo.

    • Bonnie Kate

      LOVE THIS IDEA! Am going to steal and make a notes list to make my own summer camp to check off.

      My suggestions:
      -Play all the fun Spotify summer playlists
      -a week ago I cut my hair shorter than normal and got lighter highlights and it feels so fun for summer
      -summer clothes – get at least one pretty fun summer pattern something. I splurged on a really pretty summer floral shirt that I love

      • Bonnie Kate

        I have another non-office one to add…grow your own tomatoes and make a simple bruschetta. There’s lots of small container type gardens for tomatoes if you don’t have a full garden. The second half of last summer I ate bruschetta made from tomatoes I grew myself for lunch a lot and I cannot wait to do it again this year.

      • Bonnie Kate

        Another idea – change out your office stuff (coffee mug, pen, water bottle, computer desktop wallpaper, whatever) to summer pops of color.

    • Anon

      My family growing up had a tradition that we ate ice cream for dinner the first time it hit 100 degrees each summer. It was the best and I continue to faithfully carry out the tradition to this day :).

      • Anon

        We do this too except our threshold is 80 degrees lol (upper Midwest, so at least until recently temps above 90 were rare).

    • Anon

      If you have a sunny office, add a basil plant. At lunch time, you can harvest leaves for caprese salad using yummy, summer tomatoes.

    • Anan

      My husband has a standing ice cream date with a coworker, which I think is awesome. Instead of walking down to the Starbucks, they grab ice cream.
      For me, it would be bubble tea.
      If there aren’t those options in walking distance, maybe bring your own and take a walk anyway?

    • Anon

      I love treating myself to iced coffees in the morning, trying to take lunch outside, eating dinner on our patio. On hot summer weekend days my husband and I will grab a garden hose and lay out on the patio in our swimsuits- listening to music, drinking sangria, reading, doing the crossword and occasionally spraying ourselves down. I love baseball games. Caprese salads. The cute nail polish is a great idea.

    • Anonymous

      I do a summer bucket list with the kids – usually things like pizza at the beach or a list of various ice cream shops and/or splash pads and we try to hit a new one each week.

      I also do a summer bucket list with DH – like lunch date on a patio every second Friday or whatever. We also try to take at least one half day a month and do a mini adventure like a 2-3 hour kayaking or cycling tour without the kids.

  14. Vicky Austin

    Paging Curious – what was the name of those bathmats at Kohl’s that you liked? I forgot to write it down. TY!

  15. Sasha

    Low stakes question: When one person in a relationship owns their own place (bought without input from the other partner) and their partner moves in, should the non-owning partner pay the owning partner rent? Rent being a lump sum of money paid soley to contribute to the mortgage, not counting contributing to utilities/buying groceries, etc.

    I’m in my late 20s and live in a MCOL city where a lot of my friends own their condos. As more of them have partners move in, it seems to be split 60/40 in favor of the non-owning partner paying rent. In my mind, I would probably not ask my partner to pay rent if they moved into a place I owned, as it’s not like moving into a new apartment where the non-owning partner had a say in location/budget/amenities/preference. The owning partner signed up for a mortgage that would have persisted whether or not they had a live-in partner, and something about now being your partner’s landlord feels weird to me. My partner owns his condo and we don’t live together but might in the future so it’s something I ponder. But curious what everyone else thinks!

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t call it rent but yes, you share living expenses which includes your portion of the mortgage.

      • Anon

        But also, I never let anyone move into the condo I owned in a rent controlled city because I didn’t want them to acquire any tenancy rights if we broke up. Only person I moved in with is my now husband for those reasons.

        • Anon

          YES — I read a horrible story about an AirBNB abuser who gained tenancy rights in NYC (30 days?) and had to be evicted (but of course b/c of COVIC and NYC being nuts, probably is still in place and not paying rent).

    • Anon

      I think it’s a discussion vs a rule. Money is fungible. If you get it, you can pay mortgage or utilities or vacation or dinners out. If you can’t have the discussion, you shouldn’t move in together. And if you’re serious enough to move in together, you are hopefully mentally pooling joint resources. If not, you are roommates who f***, so maybe your deal makes sense for you. IDK. But if you were married, would you not contribute? Or refuse since your name isn’t on the title (this is sort of like one partner has student loan debt and it affects joint finances but it’s not like you get half of his degree if you split up)?

      • Anon

        This exactly. You need to be clear on WHY you are moving in together. Do not “just” move in together because someone’s lease is up and the other person has a nice place.

      • Sasha

        I do think of it like student loans–you’re helping your partner build equity in an asset that you have no long term stake in if the relationship fails. Which, yes, that’s what you do with a landlord, but the landlord isn’t your partner and the relationship with your landlord is purely a financial transaction.

        I should have clarified that I moreso meant this for couples that are cohabitating but not married, which I do think changes the calculus.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think it’s similar at all. Everyone has housing/living expenses. You don’t get to stop paying for living expenses because you happen to be moving in with a homeowner rather than a renter. By contrast, refusing to pay someone else’s student loans doesnt result in the same kind of windfall to the non-paying non-debt holding partner; you’re not pocketing $2k/mo or whatever that you would otherwise be paying.

    • Anne-on

      I think it depends on your finances – I’ve seen it handled (and handled it myself) in different ways. The most common was that the partner who moved in split bills for utilities/groceries, but then put their ‘rent’ money in a common account that was used for something like a downpayment on a fund for another place, wedding fund, etc. My now-husband moved in right after we got engaged and I paid my mortgage/maintenance, we split utilities, and he paid ‘rent’ to our wedding fund (we paid for most of our wedding ourselves). We also moved out about a month after we got married, which seemed to also be common in my circle of friends – most ppl were in smallish 1-bedrooms and wanted more space for visitors/kids not long after they married.

      • Anonymous

        This is similar to what we did. I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) to a home that he owned. Each month, I saved the amount that I would have paid in rent at my old apartment to an account which was later used as a down payment for a house. We split utilities and expenses.

        He’s the one who built the equity in the home, but I was living there and didn’t think I should live for free just because I wasn’t building equity. The couple needs to find a solution that feels comfortable to both partners.

    • AIMS

      I think calling it rent is weird. I also don’t know that I would want someone paying any portion of my mortgage. But I think it would be reasonable to have the non-owner partner pay the utilities/other expenses to make it more equal. Not sure how that works out with the actual numbers so if mortgage was high and utilities low, I would also pay for let’s say all the groceries or whatever to make it more equal.

      • Sasha

        That’s my thought as well! The non-owning partner covering all groceries, or covering all utilities, etc. But I have friends who literally venmo request their live-in partner $1k every month and something about that feels weird to me. But I could just be being naive (and also not a homeowner myself LOL)

        • Anon

          I get why it feels icky — if you don’t own, you’re not sharing in the appreciation or tax benefits (OTOH, you’re not on the hook for this and it’s not on your credit). Half of the mortgage seems wrong, IMO, if I’m not on the title (assuming equal salaries). But what is the FMV of renting half of a room? Something like no more than a quarter of the mortgage payment.

          [If you just bought a house and borrowed 97% with a HUD mortgage, owning the house could be expensive vs renting the house; but if you’re older and have been in a house bought 10ish years ago that has been refinanced for a good mortgage / term option that is very favorable, the “rent” cost to move in might be a fraction of what it would currently cost to rent the space and feel like a bargain even if you’re not on the title.]

          • Anon

            Nothing seems to kill the mood like adding transactional accounting to a relationship.

          • Anonymous

            You’re not renting half a room you’re renting half a home. If you were both renting your home vs owning you would have to split rent.

      • Anonymous

        One of the possible solutions we discussed was looking at the market rental value of the house and having the non-owning partner pay half of that to the owning partner, as long as it didn’t exceed half of the mortgage payment (including taxes, insurance, etc.). Repairs were fully the responsibility of the owning partner. Utilities and other expenses were split evenly.

    • Coach Laura

      On the one hand the owner gets the equity from the payments they or their partner make. The owner is still on the hook for maintenance, property taxes and HOA dues, if any.

      On the other hand, the incoming resident had to pay rent previously, so they are getting a good deal if they don’t pay anything. I’ve never known anyone to move in and not have to pay anything. Perhaps if the homeowner makes 3x what the incoming partner makes that might change this calculus and the newcomer wouldn’t pay.

      But both should/could benefit from the reduction in rent. Perhaps the incoming person could pay the water/sewer/power/garbage costs. Or pay for the food/groceries. Or the newcomer could pay what they previously paid into an account for the couple to use for travel or another house purchase.

    • Ribena

      For me I’d look at separating the portion of the mortgage payment that’s against the principle of the loan (principal?) and the portion that’s the interest – because that’s the bit that’s essentially rent to the bank. So I’d look at splitting that and then utilities/groceries maybe? If my new ish relationship continues to be good this may be a live discussion in my future so beginning to think about it. (I suppose relative salaries and take home pay also play into this – I out earn my bf by £20k or so per year but have student loans, which he doesn’t.

        • Ribena

          Thanks – it’s the same in U.K. English but it’s not a word I use very often and I just couldn’t remember – and of course autocorrect is no help!

    • Anon

      IMV, the non-owning person should contribute something. If it doesn’t work out, why should that person get all of the financial benefit of not having to pay rent for the period they live together. In terms of setting the amount, I think it should be (1) something less than the non-owning person was paying for rent/would have to contribute to a comparable apartment rental and (2) less than half of the amount of the mortgage. That way, each person gets to benefit financially from the situation.

      I will admit that part of my view is informed by the fact that an ex lived in my house for 2 years before we broke up. As much as we both hoped the relationship was the one, it ended up not being. During that time, he saved over $15k by not paying rent even when he paid for about 70% of our meals out. I ended up spending more money than normal during that period, cause my half of groceries and the 30% of meals I paid for was more than I would have spent on my own.

    • Anon

      I did. Granted, I come from a long line of women who were 100% financially dependent on the men in their life, many of whom were left destitute when the husband left them for a younger woman or who stayed in terrible or abusive marriages because they had nowhere else to go. I was dead set against that, so I built habits early that meant I could always pay my own way, and never got soft / comfortable with someone else supporting me. So when I moved into the house owned by my now-husband, I paid
      – flat amount each month as ‘rent’ (I specifically did not seek to gain any foothold in ownership by treating this as payment towards the mortgage), and
      – tracked costs / payers of all utilities / groceries / shared expenses each month and added an equalizer to match exactly half of whatever those expenses were to my rent each month.

    • Anon

      I can’t imagine my partner paying literally nothing to live there. I would perhaps come up with a number that feels fair, perhaps some proportion of the mortgage interest, or based on what a comparable rental would cost. The fact that one partner didn’t pick it out is irrelevant IMO — if they don’t both like it, they can both agree together to move.

    • Anon

      I would not charge rent but I think a discussion would result in the non-owner paying more of non-housing expenses.

    • Anonymous

      Just be fair to each other. Neither partner should get a windfall at the expense of the other partner. You don’t get to live somewhere for free and keep all the money you used to pay in rent just because your partner owns the place you’re living rather than renting a place together. If you’re the homeowner, you can’t expect your partner to contribute equally toward your investment if there is no intention for them to get any of the upside – but if you’re expecting to use the property as a family asset one day (like, dp for a new house, or shared rental income) then it’s completely reasonable to expect the non-owning partner to pay a fair share just as if it was a rented home. In fact they’re still getting a big upside they didn’t contribute to if you owned long before they came into the picture.

      I had this fight with my ex. He (and his friends and family) didn’t think he should pay any living expenses that I was already paying regardless of whether he lived there. Never mind that he owned his home and rented it out at a profit that he didn’t share with me – so he went from having lots of housing expenses to making money on housing. That was very much not our agreement when we moved in together but that’s what it morphed into over time. He also thought I should pay half of groceries and alcohol even though he ate and drank vastly more than me. The attitude was very much, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.

    • Also Anon

      I’ve heard two schools of thought here, and to clarify I’ve never been in this situation myself, but some argue that yes, if you live there you should be contributing to ALL the expenses including mortgage. On the other hand, many people believe that paying mortgage is building equity, and it doesn’t make sense for the non-owning partner to contribute to the mortgage if they won’t reap the equity later on, so it makes more sense for them to just pay more towards the other household expenses like groceries, utilities, streaming services, etc. That’s what my sister and her boyfriend do; he also makes more than her, which is another reason he’s not making her help with mortgage payments.

  16. Anon

    had anyone has experienced of suing their town where the town caused issues by over requirements for one property owner and too lax in issues their neighbor caused owner 1? i have a lawyer but welcome hearing experiences please.

    • Anon

      No, b/c this is likely to just cost you $ and not fix anything. What is going on? More likely to help (and yet salt the earth): sue the neighbor.

      • Anon

        neighbor did illegal construction which caused massive and significant drainage issues while the town knew and did nothing. it’s been 9 months and they’ve made no progress in getting the neighbors to fix. no impact to town or neighbor but serious impact to is. we’re physically ill every time it rains as we are faced with a few feet of flooding. meanwhile town super restrictive when we wanted to do a regular thing, cost is 10k in permits. neighbor pulled no permit, lied to a cop and whilst the town was aware, tried to stick their head in the sand. this is typical for our town and no action taken unless lawyer threatens lawsuit.

        • Anon

          This lawsuit is going to take forever so even if it is successful you’re not going to get your house back to livable conditions any time soon.

          • anon a mouse

            Yeah it seems like the issue is with the neighbor and the neighbor’s contractor. One of my friends had a similar issue and it wasn’t until she sued the neighbor’s contractor that they paid to fix her yard.

        • Anonymous

          Have you spoken to lawyers yet? I would assume the obvious course of action is to sue the neighbors directly. Why is this not an option?

        • anon

          Yikes. Not a lawyer and never been in this situation, but not why pursue both neighbor and town? Consult a good attorney re: probability of success and don’t just do it for sport, of course, but does sound like they both have culpability of varying degrees, negligence anyway on the part of the town. My town (relatively small suburb outside Boston) gets sued and settles all the time because they mess up a lot.

          I don’t think the town being restrictive toward you on something else is relevant, fwiw.

          And, sorry you’re going through this. Bad neighbors can be so, so stressful. We are in a not-perfect house currently but our neighbors are absolutely amazing. After having horrendous (and litigious) neighbors at our old house, we’re a-ok staying where we are in the imperfect home because of how horrible, all-consuming bad neighbors can be.

        • Anon

          I’m not sure where you live (maybe not the US due to the use of whilst). But if they pulled no permits, IDK how you could charge the city with knowledge. Which means there is no mechanism for inspections or getting a CO for the work once complete. Also, no notice for the tax office to come by and re-assess (at least in my city, if you improve your house, the assessor wants to know!).

          You say you have a lawyer. If your lawyer is competent (based on US standards, which vary by locality), surely your lawyer has mentioned all of this and yet you are talking about suing the municipality still. That’s not a good sign, IMO.

          Sue the neighbor. That’s your bad guy.

          ALSO consider whether your insurance company will need to be on notice or get involved. I’d read your policy closely to see what obligations re notice you have, protections, etc. If you file a claim against your HO policy, they may balk if not promptly told of what the problem is b/c they may also want recourse against your neighbor.

    • Anon

      Something similar happened with the property I now own. The previous owner did unauthorized landscaping which caused water management issues and erosion to the neighboring property. The neighbor had a lean placed on our now property. Honestly, there was no resolution to the issue until the previous owner of my home was actively trying to sell. I’m pretty sure they sat on having a lean on the home for 2+ years. In the end, there was a mutually agreed upon erosion control plan that included having an excavation company come and re-contour apart of our land with the correct fill. For us, we found getting the city engineers active on this and having them look over things, helped speed things along. They ended up acting as moderators in a way. But it sounds like getting your lawyer involved is the best step. We did have to have the land surveyed by an engineering company before and after to document the “fix”. So that might be another call to make.

  17. Anon

    Do I need a tulle maxi skirt from Boden? I think I do. Have vowed to wear just anywhere at all (maybe not hiking, would snag) b/c it is 2022 and fashion makes no sense so might as well have fun.

  18. Anon

    I’m back from vacation, 3 days in Monterey that were partially based on recommendations here. I stayed in a motel with a 5 minute walk to the beach and 20 minutes from Asilomar conference grounds. Thank’s for the recommendation for the area! I ended up going without a car, but I love walking. Restaurants and shopping in Pacific Grove were about a 20 minute walk. I walked 10 miles one of the days and picked out approximately 200 houses I’d love to live in but could never afford.

    • Cb

      Oh I’m so glad you had fun! My parents stayed at the Sunset Motel on their honeymoon (in 1980, aged 21) and we used to go down every summer when I was a kid/teen and we went back with my husband/son and stayed at the Asilomar. One of my few regrets about my parents moving to Europe is that a Monterey trip is no longer part of the biannual routine.

  19. Anonymous

    Saw this on TIBAL and thought I would spread the word here. There is a NRA convention in Houston tomorrow. If you would like to email the chairman of the board who owns and manages the convention center where it is being held, here is a link that will auto-populate a message for you asking that the event be canceled in light of recent events.
    https://tinyurl.com/canceltheconvention

  20. Anon

    I’m the poster from yesterday who is moving to DC. Any thoughts on the NoMa neighborhood from current residents? It seems like it has developed quite a bit in recent years. I’ve been looking at the 100k apartment building if anyone has experience there. Obviously, I’ve thought of the noise factor of being next to the train tracks, but that kind of noise has never bothered me. I’d be more interested in whether safety is a high concern in that area.

    • Eckingtononymous

      I guess technically I live in Eckington but am on the Metropolitan Branch Trail and walk to the NoMa station to commute. The tracks (Metro and Amtrak/MARC/VRE) go by my building but facing into the courtyard, the train noises aren’t too loud. I’d be more annoyed by the construction noises at the various buildings closer to NoMa’s Metro station.

      I don’t know how you’re defining ~safety~ in this context. There are tons of brand new apartment buildings right by the Metro, so the area is pretty gentrified. (Also, I saw some people at a cafe flashing FBI badges at what appeared to be a lunch meeting. The DOJ has a number of buildings right off the Metro, for whatever that’s worth, and the ATF faces one entrance to the Metro.) The neighborhood directly west of NoMa, Sursum Corda, is in the midst of (another round of) gentrification & redevelopment. I wouldn’t cut through that area at night necessarily, but I’ve had no issues between the Metro and Eckington after dark. Honestly, probably more freaked by rat sightings than anything else.

    • Anon

      Where are you coming from? My office is in that area. As someone who has always lived in big cities, I feel safe but some of my coworkers from small towns/cities are worried about their safety.

      I don’t know your budget, but I think the biggest downside to that area is that it doesn’t have that much going on. Not many non-chain restaurants in the immediate area and it’s not easy to get to the hipper areas of DC on the metro from there.

      • Anon

        I’m coming from an area of Virginia (not NoVa). My budget is around $2,500, although I’d like to spend less if possible. I was initially attracted to the newer buildings in NoMa, but from what I’ve read here and on r/ I’m not sure I’ll feel safe. Forgive me, what are the hipper areas? Besides Capitol Hill. I historically have a very low social life and I want to change that with this move.

        • Anon

          I’m mid thirties and not in a hip neighborhood by any means (so take this with a grain of salt), but my 25 year old brother lives in Navy Yard, which has a lot of new-ish buildings and attracts a younger demographic. I think the U St area is also pretty popular. Both have great restaurant options and a lot going on.

        • Anon

          How old are you? Late 20s or early 30s, I would look at U street, 14th St, Shaw, and Logan Circle. Chinatown is also close to things, and at least along the east side (4th and 5th street) tends to be cheaper

          • Anon

            If early or mid 20s, I would also add Navy Yard to that list. I would feel out of place as a mid-30s in those large buildings, but ymmv. It’s less hip, but cheaper

  21. Anon

    Has anyone seen cute printed rashguards anywhere lately? I’m mostly finding solids and would love a pattern. Maybe there’s a store I’m missing.

  22. Anon

    Can any of you recommend a good link to a short guided meditation to help me center myself at the beginning of my day? I’m feeling so overwhelmed these days managing elderly parents who are slipping, listening to the news about school shootings and politicians doing nothing, people dying in Ukraine, and trying to manage a depressing calendar in family law. If not meditation, happy puppy videos?

    • Bonnie Kate

      Insight Timer is my favorite. Tons and tons of free guided meditations by lots of different teachers, so you can find a style and teacher that works for you, and you can search by length/style etc.

  23. EU Bisalp

    Hi everyone, I’m 35, have never wanted children, and am exploring having my fallopian tubes removed as my preferred form of permanent birth control. Writing for experiences in aftercare after a bisalp. I’ve never had surgery or been under anesthesia, so I am nervous about the aftercare. Would anyone be able to share their experience? How much pain, for how long, could you walk etc?

    • pugsnbourbon

      Hi! I had this done laparoscopically in 2020. The surgery took about an hour and I couldn’t drive home. I got a small amount of opioid painkillers that I definitely needed for the first two days. The worst part was getting into a sitting position from lying down – another poster recommended a wedge pillow to help with that. I took a week off work and took it easy for a couple weeks after that. I couldn’t lift anything over 10lbs for two weeks and dreaded sneezing. I’d say I was back to 100% within a month.

    • Anonymous

      I had a different but very similar surgery (1 ovary + 1 fallopian tube removed). It was extremely easy and done laparoscopically. It’s usually done outpatient. I was walking around within an hour after the anesthesia wore off. I had a little bit of bleeding/spotting for about a week after. I didn’t experience any pain at all and the incisions are small and not noticeable.

    • Anonymous

      I am mid-50s and had surgery 9 weeks ago to remove both ovaries and fallopian tubes as a cancer preventative measure. Would highly recommend.

      It was day surgery – took approximately 40 minutes I believe. I had VERY little pain post-op, although I was tired and a bit loopy from the anesthetic and not permitted to drive for 24 hours. 2 small incisions were taped, one stitch in my bellybutton fell out in about 4 weeks. I had a little achiness along my trapezius muscles (common and expected from the gas used to puff up the abdomen for the laproscopy), for about 3 days but it was not overwhelming. I took two weeks off work (have a mentally taxing job and I was more tired than I bargained for), but was back running within 1 week. Instructions to avoid lifting anything over 20 pounds for 2 weeks to avoid a possible hernia and not to do ab exercises for 8 weeks (not a hardship for me).

      Bonus from your perspective is that I believe the thinking is that ovarian cancer may start in the fallopian tubes so removing them early can be good for your health! My physician sister made that decision at about age 40.

      Bottom line – VERY little pain (I took a total of about 6 advil over 3 days), was a bit gentle with myself for a week or so and back to full function (barring ab workouts) within 2 weeks. I’m so glad I did it.

    • OP

      Thanks so much for these – very reassuring! – replies. I’m relieved to hear it’s not nearly as bad as I was imagining.

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