This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.![saskia-dress-evergreen-lk-bennett](https://corporette.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Saskia-dress-evergreen-lk-bennett.jpg)
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ladyproblems
First, this dress is lovely. Truly lovely. I’d wear it! I think I’m a bit to hippy too wear LKB though.
Second, I’ve had a couple of funky pap smears in the past (and the HPV screens were + for the cervical cancer strains) that then cleared up and in the recent past (3-5 years) that were’s clear but weren’t anything more than what they watch to see what happens next after two colposcopies. Now, I’ve progressed to where I’m having some symptoms that things have progressed (actively bleeding on and off most of this month; at least one I’m counting as a period; we do have a family tendency for bleeding fibroids, but I’ve never had signs of them before; I’m not pregnant or miscarrying). I’ve got an appointment scheduled (and have consulted dr. google).
I guess if it is cancer the worst case scenario is hysterectomy, which is fine (I’ve had children already, don’t plan on having more). I feel like I should know a lot more about this than I do — I feel like my knowledge is more prevention-based for young people today and not “what do I do next now that I’m having these symptoms.”
Anonymous
What you do next is go to the doctor immediately. And that’s really all you do next! You don’t conclude its cancer, you don’t conclude you need a hysterectomy, you don’t ask us what happens because there’s no way we know either. Strange periods are symptoms of all kinds of things! Only your gyn can let you know what comes next.
Anonymous
“Strange periods are symptoms of all kinds of things” – this. For example, I have thyroid issues that can manifest by bleeding between periods. Do not assume anything until you consult with your OB and the specialists he/she designates.
Anonymous
Make an appointment with your doctor, but that kind of spotting is something most women experience at one point or another. I would not take that as a sign of cancer at all.
Anonymous
While we are talking ladyproblems, can someone tell me that a colposcopy really isn’t a big deal? Just found out I need one and I don’t want to google Doctor myself but I’m also freaking out.
MKB
They’re really not a big deal. Not something you’d do without a good reason, but it’s really common to need one. One piece of advice: if your doctor doesn’t tell you to take an OTC painkiller first, I’d ask if it’s ok, and if so, which kind they recommend.
Emmen
It’s not. Years ago I had to have one almost every year for 4-5 years because I kept having low-grade dysplasia every visit. It stopped after that and I never had any problems since. As far as the procedure itself, it can be a bit painful, depending on the doctor. Mine ran the gamut from making me cry to “really? It’s done?”
CountC
Not a big deal! I’ve had abnormal paps on and off for over 10 years and done all the follow-up stuff, colposcopy and LEEP included. Felt like bad cramps to me. I had a biopsy of a lump in my neck and let me tell you, that was 1,000 times worse than the colposcopy.
Anonymous
Thanks!!!
Anon
Totally not a big deal. I had one done once and while it was uncomfortable, it was brief and not all that different from a pap smear. My OBGYN advised me to take double the recommended dose of an OTC painkiller about an hour beforehand, and I think that helped a lot.
Ellen
Ladyproblems –
I just bought this dress and I’m pretty hippy and it fits! Also chesty – it hugs curves great in my standard size. Go for it!!
Jax
I just went through a lady-bits cancer scare because of abnormal spots (think splotches like birth marks) on my vulva that I wasn’t aware I had. New gyno wanted to biopsy them and I spent lots of time leading up to the procedure googling and freaking myself out.
Turns out they were–drumroll–birthmarks. I wasted a lot of time worrying instead of:
– continuing to go to exercise classes
– continuing to eat healthy and make better choices
– taking the dog and the kids for walks around the neighborhood
– enjoy my free time
So many hours were spent looking up vulvar cancer and feeling scared, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. I screwed myself up and got off track with a lot of goals because I obsessed over what ifs. So my only advice is to make your appointment and then try not to think of it.
color accuity
My eyes must be going. This dress looks bluish to me (definitely a spruce — darker blue/green and not a true green), as does the Vince Camuto one. No wonder I wear so much black (or at least I think it’s black).
Anonymous
It’s blue to me too!
Anonymous
The first time I read your post I read ‘blush’ not ‘bluish’, and I was like, wow, her eyes are really off.
Then I reread and realized it’s my eyes.
Anonymous
I would say it’s blue/green too. But I’m not sure you’re disagreeing with the label. Spruce and Evergreen seem pretty much synonymous to me.
Anonymous
+1
KT
Totally blue to me too!
confessions
Can we do anon confessions? I’ll go first.
1. I am on birth control for solely superficial reasons. Every time I go off of it, my acne goes haywire and my hair is greasy by noon. I don’t want to face it, so i keep taking birth control and I know it’s bad.
2. People keep asking me for an in at my company at positions that are a level above mine. I’ve been angling for a spot at that level and don’t really want to recommend others, but I also don’t want to be a jerk. So I haven’t responded yet to the latest inquirer.
3. My family situation is such a mess, and it just keeps getting worse. I’m already dreading the holidays. no one would know how bad things are because it looks just fine on the surface, but I know the truth.
4. I’ve been tracking every single thing I eat for two months. I prepare healthy meals, eat vegetables for snacks, cut out all desserts and allow myself one glass of wine a week. I weighed myself this morning and I have lost half a pound. All that work for half a pound?! Makes me want to go stick my face in a bread basket.
Phew. That felt good. Your turn.
anonymous
I have a second interview this Friday, but I recently received 2 offers from firms that I would rather work for. I’m going through with the interview so I can get the offer and have additional bragging rights. I don’t really brag, so it’s just for myself.
Emmer
I think you need to examine why you feel the need to “confess” some of these things. To me it seems like you have some unfortunate challenges but it’s not like you did anything wrong…
#1 Why on earth is this shameful/a problem (unless you are lying to a partner about TTC or something?). I know a bunch of women who went on birth control in high school because it helped to control their acne. Super common.
#2 You’re not a jerk for not recommending them but you should respond somehow…say you’re not in a position to make recommendations but wish them the best of luck.
#3 I’m sorry, that sounds hard, but sounds like a lot of not your fault.
#4 Also unfortunate, but it sounds like you are trying your hardest, don’t be ashamed!
Anonymous
+1.
emeralds
+many, but especially, why on earth is it bad to be on BC long-term? This is the norm for almost every woman with whom I’ve ever discussed BC. I even have one friend who was committed to waiting for marriage to ahem, use her birth control for its original purpose, due to her religious beliefs…but she’d still been taking BCP since high school because it was the only thing that controlled her acne.
Okay one more, for #4…if your habits around food are not bringing you joy and happiness, maybe it’s time to work on becoming okay with where you and your body are right now.
Nati
Yup. RE: #1 – birth control is an approved medical intervention for acne. I was prescribed birth control to treat acne long before I ever needed it as actual birth control. This is totally not weird at all.
nutella
I’ve been saying for years it needs a new name/branding so people don’t feel so ashamed by the name. I went on it before I had a boyfriend to regulate my periods and then later it is a key to staving off migraines. I knew others that used it for acne, one who had ER-inducing periods, and another who uses it in conjunction for treatment of another illness.
Want to add that my doctor assured me then and continues to assure me today that there is nothing wrong with being on it for a long period of time, so long as taking something every day is not a problem for you.
Nati
Agreed. There are so many useful (I might even say life-changing) uses for birth control beyond just birth control.
AIMS
I think the warnings still say you shouldn’t be on it long term after 35. OP may be 35+? (Not sure if the warning is outdated). There are also concerns if you have a history of blood clots in your family, I think.
I agree that there are many uses and people shouldn’t feel weird taking them for any one reason they feel is right for them, but I disagree that it needs a new name so people don’t feel ashamed by the name. No one should feel ashamed by the words “birth control,” period.
Nati
No one should feel ashamed to say “birth control” but calling it birth control isn’t reflective of the wide array of uses for it that may have nothing to do with contraception in some cases.
Adrianna
There is nothing to confess about going on and off birth control, except if you are telling your boyfriend you are on BC when you are not and then there’s an accident when you have sex. That would be wrong and hurtful, because it is easy enough for him to put on a condom.
Anonymous
There’s nothing wrong with taking birth control.
anon
Do people really go on and off their BC depending on whether they need it for contraception? I’ve been on the pill since high school. I can’t imagine dealing with the hormonal fluctuations every time I start or end a relationship. Not to mention the hassle of having to schedule a doctor’s appointment and then wait for the BC to take effect every time I thought a new relationship might be promising.
BabyAssociate
I’ve switched to different pills a few times, but I too have been taking it consistently since high school.
Monday
Seriously.
Anonymous
I stopped taking BC when I ended my last relationship – I only started because I was in the relationship in the first place. I was way more hormonal/mood swingy while on BC than without – or at least on that version. Didn’t see the need to shop around when I wasn’t going to need it for the foreseeable future either.
Shrug.
Anonymous
1. What?!? This is bad. At all. That’s totally fine.
2. You don’t owe people favors, particularly at your own expense.
3. You and half the world.
4. Weight loss sucks. It just does.
consultant
Yeah my Bernie Sanders supporting friend with a Trump supporting extended family is already dreading Thanksgiving
anon
Confessions, it’s too early for people to jump down your throat for a Monday morning. Don’t be ashamed about anything. Eat what makes you feel good and healthy. Try to love yourself and your family unconditionally, even though it’s a mess sometimes. Promote both yourself and others, if it feels right to you to do so, a rising tide can lift all boats… but never feel guilty about putting yourself first.
Anon for this
Everything is relative in life.
1. The ONLY reason I took birth control was to control acne, greasy hair, smelly feet, and facial hair growth. I’ve never been sexually active.
But now I’m on spironolactone, and it works even better!
2. I have no job, as I am caregiving. My future financial insecurity wakes me up at night.
But I am smart, have good training, and eventually I will get back out there and be fine.
3. My extended family has been devastated by illness/mental illness and holidays are almost empty because so many have passed away or are estranged.
But there are always one or two that still come, and I love to see.
4. I prepare incredibly healthy food daily for a disabled family member who is thriving under my care. Yet, when no one was looking Yesterday, I ate an extra 1/2 a baguette, 2 small bags of chips, and a ton of McDonald’s French fries.
But I really, really enjoyed the food I ate, I held off in the chocolate, I have only gained about 4 lbs this month and can still just fit into my pants, and I know next month I can be more careful. I really, really love food.
And the McDonald French fries were cooked perfectly…..
OP – you sound totally normal, and nothing you admitted should cause you any shame. You are doing great!
bridget
Whoa, some of the replies are more than a little judgy.
As to #2: maybe just say that you think it’s an awesome role, which is why you are gunning for it? I wouldn’t be put out if a friend or colleague refused to recommend me for a job she wanted in her own company, and I doubt anyone else would, either.
It’s also a bit better (imho) than ignoring the request.
confessions
Well, now I feel dumb! Maybe “confessions” wasn’t the right word. I’m not ashamed of any of these things… more annoyed and just wanted to get them off my chest. Thanks for giving me a little perspective.
January
Hey – we all have minor annoyances and frustrations in everyday life. You’re allowed to vent. I’m not sure the pile-on was warranted. Case of the Mondays, I guess (but no offense to our commenter Monday).
Emmer
I didn’t mean to start a pile on – I was genuinely concerned that you felt like these were things to feel bad or be ashamed about. If you’d like to vent, vent away!
emeralds
Agreed. Sorry if it came across that way! You’re entitled to feel what you feel.
Anonymous
I’ll play. I decided to leave what many would consider a “dream job” to take a job that is harder, more stressful, and requires more hours. But I am hoping it will challenge and teach me and make me better at what I do (without killing me first!). I’ve been having an outsized reaction to the stress of the unknown and have had to go back on anxiety medication I have not needed for years! I am so embarrassed by my panic and am now questioning myself at every turn. But I spoke to a counselor this weekend and am doing everything I can to think about things positively. Still! This sucks!!!
Anonymous
I have very few really close friends. My husband, a good friend I run with but there’s a lot we don’t see eye-to-eye on (politics), and sometimes I just can’t respect some of her rants, a good friend who is kind of whack-a-doo in many ways, but we can relate in other ways, a handful of work colleagues and mentors I really respect and admire, some good friends that live hundreds of miles away who I see a few times a year and really miss, and a bunch of acquaintances I see pretty regularly, but don’t see any real BFF material. Partly I think it’s hard for me to warm up and be vulnerable as I spent my childhood building protective walls, partly I’m an introvert and take a long time to open up, partly I feel like I don’t have a lot in common with most people around me (live in rural-ish burb of uber-conservative military city; used to consider myself moderate independent; this place makes me feel extremely liberal in comparison), and partly I have lots of little kids and I don’t get much time for developing friendships. Also, and this is the “confession” part, sometimes I feel like the women I get thrown in with are not smart (for example, thinking cellophane wraps and creams “remove toxins” and make them thinner, oils will cure asthma, etc.), and that makes me less interested in spending time with them, and then I feel like a terrible person.
BensonRabble
I understand what you are going through. I find most people are really open to new friendships but don’t think of them or are too shy to make an overture. Perhaps look for similarly minded folks at a hobby? Library book club, quilting class, dance class, Spanish class etc. Don’t worry about going by yourself, there will be other people by themselves. And there is a local Democratic party where you can find more liberal folks. If that’s too leftist, you should volunteer with a low-income advocacy or green group which tend to attract liberal-leaning.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move! It’s a long process with stop and go but fun in the end.
anon
Okay guys, I’m turning 30 soon. Do you have a favorite anti-aging skin care product you would recommend to prevent or delay visible signs of aging?
Anonymous
Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.
Anon Midwest
In addition to the sunscreen(which I hope you’re doing). If I was only going to add one item at your age it would be a night eye cream. I noticed the most difference when I consistently started using eye creams at night.
Emmen
Seriously. A year ago I stopped using a dedicated eye cream to save money and time, and have just been using my regular day and night creams around the eye (I have terribly sensitive skin and eyes but this never bothered either), and I’ve noticed a huge difference for the worse. I thought the stuff promised by eye cream was bunk, but the skin around my eyes has turned papery and dull. I’m going back to eye cream.
Anon Midwest
Yep. And i’m glad i’m not the only one that noticed the difference an eye cream can make. I’ve gone off it from time to time, mostly for budget reasons and always regret that choice.
Samantha
Emmen – can you tell me what brand you used?
Signed, confused by variety in night creams and the claims they all make
Emmen
Dennis Gross is my splurge one, but honestly? CeraVe Eye Repair is like 15 bucks at the drugstore and it’s great, too. Check out the Cosmetics Cop ratings at the Paula’s Choice site – she evaluates the ingredients of each product strictly on their scientifically-proven effectiveness. It has made me far more resistant to marketing hype.
bosstown
which one do you use?
EM
Sunscreen. Retinol. (Retin-A, if your doctor will prescribe it.)
Around 30 you may want to start using a chemical exfoliant, as somewhere between 30 and 35 your skin stops turning over at the rate it used to.
Also around 3o or 35 your body changes and you may need more hydration than you used to. Hydration is NOT moisturizer. If this is an issue, find something with hyaluronic acid.
Remember: the only way to prevent your skin aging is to use sunblock. Also, aging is OK. Aging is a privilege not everyone gets. However, that does not mean you should age with crepe-y wrinkly skin from sun damage.
anon
If you don’t already, make sure you moisturize pretty much all over and wear sunscreen on anything that’s exposed. I’ve always neglected my neck, chest, hands, and feet even though I’ve been super careful about my face.
For neck and decolletage, I use my face moisturizer. I like the Paula’s Choice line but lately I’ve been using the Supergoop SPF serum because it has a higher SPF without getting tacky or smelling like the beach. I just use regular sunscreen for everything else. I’m interested to hear if anyone has a favorite SPF hand lotion; regular sunscreen is a little heavy for my hands.
First Year Anon
Aveeno makes a body moisturizer with sunscreen in it. I think it would be good for hands.
Anonymous
Supergoop has a great hand sunscreen in a shape to fit your cars’ cupholder
cbackson
…but keeping sunscreen in your car is not good in terms of effectiveness, given how hot it gets in cars in the summer.
anon
Wait really? I had no idea, I’ve been keeping sunscreen in my car my whole life. Thank you!
Anonymous
Mineral sunscreens don’t break down at high temps the way chemical sunscreens do. Keep a mineral sunscreen in your car.
cbackson
They don’t? That is awesome news, because I would love to keep sunscreen in my car all the time.
Anon88
Sunscreen, Retin-A, Clarisonic. The blog 15 Min Beauty did a feature on Retin-A a while back and how to introduce into your skincare routine.
Anon
Drink water. Seriously. Up your water intake. There are all kinds of recommendations for “how much” you should drink, but just pick a number and work on getting there.
Being well-hydrated works better than any skin care regimen. (Although yes, wear sunscreen too.)
nutella
+1 to what everyone has said: sunscreen on all exposed areas, retinol at night on completely dry skin, drink more water, and remove your makeup every night (and contacts, too, if you wear them).
housecounsel
Sunscreen and retinol. Don’t waste money on department store serums when Retin-A is proven effective.
Ck
Sleep
Don’t smoke
Don’t drink too much
Eat a decent diet, and exercise.
Keep your hair cut and up to date
Avoid the sun, and wear sunscreen like crazy. Face, neck, chest, hands daily. In summer, I add arms and feet.
Wear sunglasses ALWAYS
Take off make-up every night with a gentle product. Moisturize.
Retinoid products in the morning.
Exfoliate in the shower (Japenese cloth, Chemical exfoliate on face 2-3x per week, foot callous scraper thing)
Keep a small moisturizer in your bag and at your desk for your hands.
Anonymous
Retinoid should be applied at night only – sunlight deactivates the active ingredients. Other than that, totally agree with your list.
Ck
Totally right.
Thanks. I mis-typed. I meant retinols at night, exfoliate in the AM.
Sharp
Get and wear hats. Check out Paula’s Choice.
Pep
Advice from a 50+ with good skin:
Morning: vitamin C serum followed by a moisturizer with a decent SPF
Evening: vitamin C serum followed by a moisturizer with Retinol. (Tip: let skin dry for 20 minutes after washing before applying Retinol for best effect)
Every time you’re outside: sunglasses
And don’t smoke.
EM
What are your fave vit C serums? I can’t find any I like.
Pep
I don’t have a favorite – I think I got the one I’m using now at TJMaxx. I’ve read good things about Mad Hippie and may try that when this bottle is empty.
EM
I’ve heard good things too! That is also on my want-to-try list!
Lillers
Agree with all PP but would add the comment that retinol/Retin-A aren’t recommended for use when you are pregnant or trying to conceive. Not sure if that is in your plans but just something to be aware of.
Anon
You need a Vitamin C serum, a good moisturizer, sunscreen, and a retinol/peptide cream or serum.
For a Vitamin C serum, I like the Anthony one sold at Sephora. I also typically use a lighter moisturizer for day, because it lays better under makeup (currently it’s Yes to Cucumbers Daily Calming Moisturizer) and a heavier one a night (I swap between the Olay Luminous Tone Perfecting Moisturizer or Ponds Crema S for really dry days).
My new favorite discovery for no-makeup weekend days is the Dr. Jart Illuminating Sunscreen; it gives you a pretty glow without being overly sticky and oily.
EM
I asked Anthony’s company what percentage of vit C is in the product and they wouldn’t tell me. So I won’t use it. Why would a company not disclose such a thing?
Anon
Oh, that’s strange. I’ve seen good results with the product, but it’s a little concerning that they won’t disclose that information. Thanks for letting me know.
Cb
I just bought a denim jacket and while I feel a bit like I’m in high school again, I love it! It is however stiffer than I expected. Tips on softening up denim? Wash it? Crumble it up?
anon a mouse
Wash it, with as much agitation as your washer allows per the care instructions. You may want to repeat a couple of times.
Anonymous
I would wash it a few times well, and if it isn’t on the small side…. put it in the dryer.
Jewelry Question
Hive, help! I wear the same jewelry every day (a pair of diamond studs (white gold), my grandmother’s yellow gold necklace with a charm on it, and my engagement ring (white gold). I want to start accessorizing better to make my outfits look really put together. Any tips on where/how to even begin?
Anonymous
I may be in the minority, but I think delicate, classic jewelry like what you’ve described looks far more “put together” than trendy costume jewelry that matches your outfit.
SW
+1. I wear a ring that belonged to my grandmother, another antique ring that was a gift, and a wristwatch every day. Sometimes I add small studs, a strand of pearls, or a silver bead necklace. I think it looks more polished than wearing larger trendy pieces.
Julia
This is my opinion, too.
Ck
+1
anon
I’m interested to see what others say. I’d start by looking at my closet. What colors go best with the most outfits? Then look for one set that you’d like to wear together – a necklace, bracelet, earrings, and ring. The “set” doesn’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) match but it should go together.
Personally, I love wearing amber in the fall. It’s a nice neutral, not expensive, and you can find a ton of different styles that will go together pretty well. Amber also goes with more colorful stones, like turquoise, so I find it easy to mix and match with my other jewelry.
mascot
Interested in seeing the replies to this. My jewelry is similar, but in yellow gold/diamonds. I feel like necklaces are the most noticeable, but I don’t know where to start on stocking my collection.
Anonymous
Your jewelry sounds quite neutral so you can play with a lot.
I’d keep what you’re wearing but work in more pattern/color/interest via bracelet or earrings or ring on your right hand (or belt/scarf for non jewelry accessories). Just rotate things a bit and try different combinations.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve been working on this all year. All I used to wear regularly was my wedding band/engagement ring. It was one of my New Years resolutions to up my jewelry game.
I’ve been building up a couple options in silver, gold, and rose gold and picking which color to wear based on what looks best with my clothing colors that day. I’m at the point where I have about 2 earring stud choices in each metal and 1-2 necklace choices. I recently got an Apple Watch in gold and will probably add a silver and rose gold strap and case cover.
I don’t wear all the pieces in a certain metal each time. Today, for example, the neckline on my top isn’t really conducive to a necklace so I’m just wearing gold earrings and my watch and rings.
The 3 metal groups are my regular go to pieces but I also have statement necklaces that I’ve collected over the years. I work those in whenever they go with my outfit.
Bonnie
I wear the same earrings and rings every day but like to mix up the necklaces. Loft, F21, H&M are all good places to try out costume jewelry without spending a lot.
vendredi
I think you can do more with jewelry if you want, it doesn’t have to be “OMG” statement pieces. I would swap out your daily necklace or earrings with one of the ideas below.
1. Use pearls to brighten up your complexion. I wear pearl studs with white button downs to help my complexion, especially in the winter. It highlights a subtle sheen in your skin. You can also use pink pearls if you have darker skin.
2. Use lariat or pendant necklaces to break up solid tops/dresses: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/e9/cc/5f/e9cc5fe9f944976950d0126bba92af8b.jpg
3. Use earrings to pick up outfit colors and highlight your face. I have green eyes and my sapphire and emerald earrings make them look brighter and make my look more cohesive since I wear those colors often. Even a slightly dangly or hoop earring will draw focus up to your face, regardless of color.
4. Chunky statement necklaces look kinda comic now, but you can find some nicer, smaller styles that still add interest. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/320388960970319047/
AN
I personally like long necklaces with higher necklines like vendredi said above. You could try less expensive ones to see what kind of style you like. Also, scarves are a great way to accessorize and add color. Oh, another thing, are you opposed to dangly earrings? Depending on how you wear you hair, it might add some interest.
But, I’m also with others that your current choice seems classic and refined.
Ann
I agree with the above, simple classic jewelry is always better for work in my book. I vary silver-colored vs gold-colored jewelry based on what I’m wearing (usually cool colors vs warm colors), but otherwise it’s the same. Silver watch + silver necklace with diamond pendant, or gold watch + gold necklace with pendant. Occasionally a simple bracelet in the matching metal (like a tennis bracelet) and sometimes I’ll wear a gold right-hand ring.
Samantha
There is a big spectrum between: gold/diamond classic small piece, and big chunky fake statement necklace.
My necklaces that I use, as vendredi said, to pick up a color in my outfit, or to add a color to a neutral outfit (black/grey), or to brighten up my skin or reflect color on my face:
– small string of coral tiny round beads (with or without one of the below removable pendants)
– small string of tiny turquoise beads with a large-ish turquoise and silver pendant
– spaced black pearls on a silver chain
– purple hued black pearls (really goes well with purpley tops or even dark blue ones, it seems to change color
– silver chain with a garnet pendant
The benefit for me is I’m not wasting my money on “junk” jewelery that is going to go out of fashion soon, and while these aren’t diamonds they do have intrinsic value IMO.
BensonRabble
I like your collection. Seems to cover all your bases.
I have trouble on “matching” earrings and necklaces. If they aren’t both simple silver/gold/pearls, what are the rules for making them match?
NYNY
Does anyone have a health app they like for tracking their periods? I was using the iphone native health app, but hate it since I upgraded to IOS 10. I’m not TTC – far from it! – but think I’m hitting the start of perimenopause and want to be able to track frequency, duration, and flow. I loved the weekly/monthly/annual graph feature of previous versions of the health app, so would love anything with similar visuals.
TIA!
anon
I like Eve, I guess? They just added a social sharing bit that is weird to me.
Along similar lines, has anyone found a good tracker if you think you might be entering perimenopause? Eve will let you track things like libido and cramps, but not like hot flashes, disturbed sleep, etc.
Sharp
I know!! Why the H would I want to make friends on Eve… But that’s what I use too and it works okay.
Cat
I like Fertility Friend for this, although it’s obviously designed for TTC.
Maddie Ross
Second this, because FF is not cutesy and there are no message boards. You put in when you start, it predicts your next start date and gets more accurate as the months go on. It’s bare-bones and that’s why I like it.
B
I really like Spot On for tracking all different things in addition to just your basic flow, duration, etc…
nona
I use Clue.
Anonymous
+1 clue. All the other apps were either focused on baby making or didn’t use real terms, or overly pink.
nona
These are also the reasons that I use Clue – absence of pink, focus on science/med facts. Prediction for date and duration, based on past cycles (I’m ridiculously regular, tho.)
I think it’s a Germany-based developer…
Anon
Also clue. Not TTC.
Anonymous
I like P.Tracker a lot.
Wanderlust
+1 for Clue
anon
Pink Pad
Godzilla
I use Glow. Or Glo.
AttiredAttorney
Also Glow for me. I don’t think it’s *too* pink.
NYNY
I’ll be poking around the app store for some of these. Thanks!
CorporateInCarhartt
So, I bought a dress with a similar neckline from J. Crew not too long ago, and I LOVE it. But … I have no idea what to wear with it if I need extra coverage on my arms, which is pretty much always since I’m always cold. Everything looks weird with it, in terms of the neckline. So I’m really limited in when/where I can wear it. It makes me sad.
Anonymous
Instead of coverage on your arms, have you tried camisoles?
CorporateInCarhartt
Hmm, like concentrate on keeping my core warm rather than my arms? Good thought!
Anonymous
I’ve never do this and I’ve never seen it in an office (maybe it’s a regional thing) but what about a thin turtleneck or long sleeve top under the dress? Kat has recommended that on several occasions.
CorporateInCarhartt
I do button-downs under some sleeveless dresses, and it looks really cute, but I think this dress may unfortunately be the exception to the rule.
BabyAssociate
What about a collarless blazer or a jardigan?
I too am always freezing in my office and those are typically my go-to options.
CorporateInCarhartt
Collarless is a great idea. I may have to try that. Thanks!
TO Lawyer
I think a collarless jacket, or perhaps a long (but slim) sweater would look lovely?
Anon
How about a shawl? I drape one over myself most of the time, but will leave it on the chair when I go to the kitchen or ladies room.
Anon for this
I’m having a difficult time coping with a disagreement my husband and I had last night. I have been working for years to accept my position within my husband’s family. I am superficially accepted and tolerated within his family, no one is outwardly mean or hostile, and to an casual onlooker everything would seem *fine* but for reasons not worth getting into, I know I’m not loved and definitely seen as my husband’s “plus one” and not the same as a member of the original family. This took many years to accept and I still get really sad that this is my reality. I come from a family that once you’re in, you’re in for life and everyone is treated with intense warmth and support (even ex-spouses in my immediate family stick around). I understand that’s an extreme and not every family is capable of that, but it’s hard to accept that I’m not in the inner circle of intimacy of my husband’s family. Having said all of that, I try hard to facilitate individual relationships with his adult siblings and their SO’s and children. My DH isn’t the planner in our relationship, so I try to offer to occasionally make plans with his family.
Last week I reached out to my SIL (his brother’s wife), who I usually have a decent report, to see if their family wanted to do something with us yesterday. She said they were busy (no alternatives offered), so that was that. I told my husband and he suggested we do something with his other sister. I was feeling kind of burned by my SIL having turned me down already, so I wasn’t really enthused about putting myself out there all over again for his family, but we were free and it was a reasonable request by him, so I said sure and suggested offering to go out to dinner. He wanted to have his sister over our house for dinner, reasoning if we had no plans we would just stay home and make ourselves dinner, so we don’t have to go “out of our way” to see them that way. Fine. He invites his sister and her BF over.
They come over, bring a salad, and it’s fine and lovely. We chit chat, have some drinks, start cooking dinner, eat, chat more. I think it’s going fine. After we were at the table for a while people started to just get up to clear their plates. It was around 8pm at this point, so I started to clear the main course foods, put things in tuperware, start tying up the kitchen. I always do this when we have people over. We have an open kitchen/living room, so if i’m at the sink it doesn’t exclude me from conversation or require guests to follow me into the kitchen, everything can just carry on as usual.
I was drying dishes that we hand wash and chatting with my sister in law while my husband got dessert on the table and my husband, kind of abruptly, looked at me and said pretty strongly “let’s sit down” to have dessert. I was annoyed because I wasn’t done what I was doing and didn’t want to leave the kitchen a disaster before sitting down again, so I quickly grabbed the bowl my sister in law brought over and the left over salad I had boxed up for her and put it all together for her back in the bag she brought it over in- i just wanted that done at least so I wasn’t scrambling when it was time for them to go, and while I was doing that my husband again loudly says “COME SIT DOWN.” …WTFFF
I went and sat down at the table and we had dessert and the night wound down. After they left I told my husband that it was distracting when he kept telling me to sit down when I was trying to get the kitchen pulled back together, it being the end of the night and a Sunday night no less. His response was to tell me i was being rude by doing the dishes and wrapping their stuff up, because I was giving off the impression to him and to them that I wanted them to leave, especially when I didn’t stop cleaning up when he first asked me to. I was instantly so hurt that he presumed I was intentionally being inhospitable. It seemed like such a projection on to me that someone else in his family might say- “oh I don’t want to clean up while guests are here…” That’s so dated to me. He knows I’m not Martha Stewart and we BOTH have to go to work in the morning and the entire night was built around us continuing to do our normal routine… we always clean shyt up after dinner before relaxing over dessert. I didn’t know why because his sister was over, that he read something so negative into me getting stuff organized. I was/still am confused. It’s Sunday night. What is unreasonable able getting things wrapped up to close things out around 8ish when everyone needs to get ready for the work week? I felt like all the good will and good vibes from the night were for naught. I dunno what point I’m trying to make, if any, but I am still so disturbed that my husband automatically went to presuming I was doing something so ugly and negative as to be trying to kick his family out of our house. :(
Anonymous
Ok calm down. You were being a bit rude. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you didn’t just clear and put perishables in the fridge. You actually took her stuff and put it in her bag so that she could leave quickly, in front of her, while everyone else was sitting waiting to have dessert, even though your husband had asked you to join everyone. That’s not great. And it is exactly what you do when you want your guests to hurry up and leave already.
I think you are letting your history get in the way. Like, it wasn’t rude of his other sister to say no because they were busy, yet you read it as rejection.
KT
+1
And, 8:00pm REALLY isn’t late for a work night. I’m the biggest fuddy-duddy and I go to bed at like 9;30, but if I have a party of a night out with a friend, even I recognize that it will go past 8, and getting home at 10 or so is completely normal for an adult.
anon
Gotta step in here. We don’t know OP’s schedule. Lots of working adults need to be up super early in the morning. I get in bed at 8:30 on Sundays.
That said, I would not host dinner at home on a Sunday night. I think OP’s husband thought that hosting dinner is less trouble than going out but it’s really, really not. My DH is the same way. Shortly after we moved in together, he wanted to run his grill for the first time and decided to host an impromptu dinner party. “I’m already cooking, it’ll be easy to have people over!” He could. not. fathom. why I turned into a Tazmanian Devil spinning around the house to declutter, unload the dishwasher, get extra chairs out of the basement, make extra sides, etc. all in the 30ish minutes before people started showing up. I laugh now. I was not laughing then.
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. If my entire household is not in bed by 8:30 on Sunday night, the whole week starts off wrong. My husband is another one who always wants to have people over at the last minute and thinks I am shallow and antisocial because I care about things like making sure we have enough food for everyone, cleaning the bathroom, etc. He doesn’t understand that the reasons his mother was always ready to have guests at the drop of a hat is that she was a stay-home executive wife whose entire job was to be a hostess, she had household help, and she always bought much more food than they needed. I am a full-time working mom with no household help, a small fridge, and a limited grocery budget. Although I tidy the house every day, I don’t have time to clean it regularly enough that it is always company-ready, and I don’t buy extra servings of food just in case someone happens to drop in for dinner.
Anonymama
Have you read the thing about having crappy dinner parties? I’ve come to embrace it… For me it’s far better to have friends over without stressing about it than it is to not have people over because it’s so much work. Friends and family really don’t care about the state of your house, and they know it’s last minute and are usually glad to bring something.
Anonymous
Eh, I don’t normally go to sleep until 10 pm or so, but I can’t fall asleep without several hours of solo winding down time first, and having guests in my house until 8 pm on a Sunday would definitely mess up my routine and result in me not getting to sleep until midnight or later and not getting nearly enough sleep (I have to be up at 6 am for work). So I don’t think it’s inconceivable that 8 pm Sunday night guests could seriously mess up a working adult’s sleep and routine. But if you can’t have guests at that time, the solution is not to have people over for dinner on Sunday, not to rush people out the door.
anon-oh-no
I agree. You really shouldn’t be cleaning up while dinner guests are there. Its totally find to clear the table/counter. And certainly if everyone jumps up to help clean, its fine to finish the job, but to just be cleaning up the kitchen while others are talking and waiting for dessert.
Also, if there is a time you need to have everyone gone by, you should make that clear in advance. otherwise its rude to be shuffling people out the door.
Anonymous
This is part of accepting that different families are different. I 100% agree with your husband. It doesn’t mean you did something ‘wrong’ but if I was your SIL I would have 100% thought you were hinting for me to leave.
I totally agree with “His response was to tell me i was being rude by doing the dishes and wrapping their stuff up, because I was giving off the impression to him and to them that I wanted them to leave, especially when I didn’t stop cleaning up when he first asked me to.”
If you’re trying to find a middle way in the future – you’re going to have to accept that if you want to build a relationship with his family – sometimes you have to do things their way. Next time try to moderate how much clean up you do.
The problem you run up against is that many people believe “actions speak louder than words” so saying you want them to stay for dessert and while ‘actioning’ the packing up of their things definitely sends mixed messages.
Anon for this
Thanks so much for this perspective to both anon’s. What do I do now? Should I email his sister and her boyfriend and apologize? I feel like such an @ss, I really didn’t mean to come off like that and am really worried this will going to add to tension moving forward. Can I apologize now or is it an actions speak louder than words in the reverse and I have to just do better next time?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t worry about doing a big apology – that sort of turns it into a bigger deal. Just send a quick email/text saying that it was great to see them last night and you’re looking forward to getting together again soon.
emeralds
Agreed. Do not apologize. Unless they’re complete whackjobs, I promise you that they didn’t pay nearly as much attention to this as you did, because they don’t have all of the baggage and years of tension that you brought into this situation. Upbeat “Great to see you last night, can’t wait to do it again soon!” is all that’s needed here.
Anonymous
No, just tell your husband “hey sorry about Sunday- I’ve been thinking about it and you’re right. I really wasn’t trying to rush them out but I’m sure it looked that way. Next time I’ll sit and relax more.” And then next time do just that!
KT
I would apologize first and foremost–he’s likely the only one who will really remember this.
KT
Sorry-I meant I’d apologize to husband
lawsuited
I’d talk to your husband and see whether he suggests apologizing. I doubt it, but he knows his family best and can help you.
Anonymous
Get a grip. It sounds like you have anxiety out the wazoo. I don’t even understand what you’re upset about. It sounds like you’re more bothered that he was “presuming I was doing something so ugly and negative as to be trying to kick his family out of our house” ….so, just tell him you weren’t? It sounds like there’s a huge communication gap between you and your husband if the idea of him presuming something is enough to make you catatonic like this. Just tell him that wasn’t your intention to kick his family out and you were just trying to tidy up because it was late on a Sunday night and you wanted to be ready for the workweek (where’s his part in all this housework, btw?) And there are so many other things in your comment that indicate crazy levels of anxiety – like you think his other sister was rejecting you because she was busy. People are busy! The fact that someone turned down one invite does mean she hates you or wants to make you feel bad. I feel like this is over-recommended here, but it sounds to me like you really need therapy.
If what’s really bothering you is how he spoke to you in front of your guests, I agree that’s not ideal, but it’s also not ideal to start cleaning up when you have guests around (its understandable, given that they’re family and it was Sunday night, but it is technically rude to do when you have guests) and I don’t think telling you “Come sit down” in a strong tone of voice is the worst thing ever. It’s not like he started screaming at you.
Anon for this
Oh yeah, definitely in lots of therapy. Fully accepting anxiety levels not ideal and am trying to work on it, hard. Would very much like to have a grip. Working on it! Thanks for the perspective, it’s helpful.
Opal
If that’s your demand of a dinner party – cleaning and whatnot while guests are still there and you’re not trying to give them a signal to leave – perhaps you should reevaluate the Sunday dinner party, and do a Friday or Saturday next time. I hear both sides, but I side with husband on this one.
Also, other sister saying “no” because she has plans already is not rejection. It’s a scheduling conflict.
mascot
Setting aside all the backstory about the family because I think it colors your thinking here.
Sometimes you have to balance wanting to clean up the kitchen with social niceties. I’ll do some clean-up right after dinner to load the dishwasher/gain some counter space and to get some perishables in the fridges. I’m vocal about this to my guests though that I am just trying to make some space in the kitchen, they don’t need to help, not rushing y’all out etc. and limit the cleaning to those tasks that can be done quickly. Then I return to my guests. Further cleaning can wait. I get it was a Sunday and all, but 8pm isn’t all that late. Just have a calm discussion with your husband about what he thinks is the right balance when entertaining.
emeralds
I feel like I’m one of the least finicky people about etiquette on this s i t e, and I’m sorry you felt targeted by your husband and that this whole incident fed into years worth of pent-up difficulties with his family…but he had a point. Even if tidying up before dessert if your normal routine, when you have guests over, it does signal the end of the night and that it’s time for guests to depart. My reaction would be different if these were the kind of relatives where you have that super-close, open-door, in and out of each other’s houses constantly relationship, but it sounds like that’s not the case, so IMO your husband was justified in wanted to put a pause on cleaning up to enjoy the rest of the night with your guests.
But for what it’s worth, his sister and her BF probably did not notice or assign even half as much significance to this whole deal as you did, so I doubt that all of the good will from the night would have been wrecked.
KT
Yeah, if I’m at a dinner party and the hostess gets up from the table and starts cleaning dishes and puts a tupperware I brought into my purse, I’m going to assume I’ve long outstayed my welcome and need to leave ASAP.
Your husband is 100% in the right. When you have a party, your focus is on the guests, not cleaning up so you can get to work the next morning. If you feel pressured, don’t do Sunday night dinners.
Nati
Agreed. Having said that, this isn’t a big deal. You don’t need to be anxious about this. Tell your husband you understand how your cleaning up might have come across, regret it, and will schedule for a better date next time when you’ll be able to enjoy the company of your guests instead of worrying about chores while they’re still around. Done.
anon
Right off the bat let me assure you that no one is thinking about this as much as you are. I’m sure the in laws had a lovely time.
If I were hosting friends for dinner or they were hosting me, we would probably do exactly what you did. Keep chatting while tidying up the house and packing things up so we can just grab and go when we want to leave. Otherwise leaving turns into this whole production. But have to have a certain comfort level with people to do that. You want to make people feel welcome which means you should be focused on them. The dishes can wait until Monday night.
The most concerning thing in your post, though, is your and DH’s communication. DH hinted pretty strongly that you needed to stop and you responded with stubbornness. Why didn’t you take his lead in dealing with his family? You’re feeling hurt that he made a negative presumption about you, but you did the same – you presumed that he was being bothersome and didn’t know what he was talking about, instead of correctly assuming that if he’s giving you a hint it’s for a good reason. You two also could’ve communicated better about the dinner in the first place. In the future, use this as an example of why it’s easier to go out to dinner than host at home – no serving and clean up to take the focus off spending time with family.
Anonymous
+1 to the last paragraph. DH knows his family so trust his lead on interacting with them.
Anon for this
Thanks for all the feedback. I feel pretty foolish in retrospect. It really did help me to calm down to read your takes on it. Clearly I (we) have more work to do.
anonshmanon
I agree with most commenters. Generally, cleaning up when guests are over signals the end of the night. Personally, I would not be that formal with my fam, but OP, you know your family best.
I was wondering why nobody was helping you, actually. If you bring this up with DH, you could say you have thought about what he said and you can see his perspective now. For future Sunday night dinners, you could ask him to help with cleanup to make it quicker after guests are gone?
Anonymous
Yes, if it was an informal family dinner, people should have jumped up and offered to help clear the table and load the dishwasher. My MIL is forever trying to load my dishwasher and wipe my counters, even when I tell her that she should relax and we’ll clean up later.
Anonymous
Just coming to offer an alternative in the future. I’ve noticed that with my family, and when I have dinner at most friend’s places, the hosts will clear the table/do a few dishes/box up anything perishable and THEN serve dessert.
So this is what I normally do – tell my guests I’m going to clear the table and then serve dessert so they know dessert is coming, make and serve coffee while I clean up so it’s clear I’m not forcing them out, and then serve dessert after ~10 minutes of cleanup. My husband and/or other guests entertain them while I box up perishables/clean a few things in the kitchen.
Anonymous
This. I think it’s weird to serve dessert immediately after dinner.
Anon
Ditto.
OP, in the future, you can announce to your guests that you have dessert for everyone and ask them whether they would like coffee or tea. While the coffee/tea brews, you could do a little clean up. Once you’re summoned to the table though, don’t make your guests wait for you.
Cats
Is it safe to get an FIV+ cat? My husband has an immunosuppressive condition and from what I’ve read online, some of the opportunistic infections that those cats can get (like fungal infections) can possibly be transmitted to humans with weakened immune systems. It seems not worth the risk, but it breaks my heart to see the otherwise perfect cat for us sitting in the shelter week after week.
Anonymous
Not for you!!
Heather
I wouldn’t risk it. There’ll be another perfect cat that won’t give your husband ringworm.
Em
Yes! FIV cannot be transmitted to humans. It can be a risk if you already have a cat or plan to get a second cat that is not FIV +, as the second cat could contract it. But there is no risk to your husband.
Em
Just saw your concern was with opportunistic infections. I would check with a vet to see what the real risk would be to a human.
AIMS
This. Check with a vet.
Anonymous Poser
Check with a physician, too. I don’t know whether a cat is safe to get, period, for someone with an immunosuppressive condition.
I am not a doctor, don’t work in health care, etc.
Here’s a journal article on the issue:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3096326/
Carrots
Does anyone have an email service that will send out scheduled emails without being turned on? I’ve used delayed delivery on Outlook, but that will send if Outlook is open. I’ll be gone for two weeks starting next week and there’s some emails I want to have sent out while I’m gone to a small group of people (mainly reminders).
Thanks!
Clementine
Not exactly what you’re looking for, but I use calendar appointments as reminders when I’m out of the office (in Outlook).
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this $395 dress, tho I am NOT crazy about the neckline. But it is IN Nordstrom’s Rosa says so SHE will look at it for me and buy a size 2, which we BOTH can wear now that my tuchus is under control.
As for the OP, use your assistant to send out emails for you if you are on vacation. All you need to do is create them ahead of TIME, and then have them all LINED UP with instructions to Lynn, like I do WHEN to send them out. That is what I do when I work OUT OF office b/c my Ipad is NOT user freindley away from the OFFICE. This I think is b/c the TECK guy kept stareing at me insetad of configureing my computer and IPAD together. FOOEY on him. I do NOT want to see him back here stareing at ME instead of my PC.
Anonymous
Do you have an administrative assistant who could send the emails on your behalf while you’re out? My assistant has access to my email account and can draft and send emails from my account as if I was the one sending them.
BB
Depends a bit on your network, but Outlook will send delayed emails without being open – they just have to be queued up on your email server.
SLAC
try Boomerang — it’s a gmail plugin. There’s a fee, but you can send ~10 scheduled emails a month free. I’ve used it with my students successfully.
Anonymous
You can set reminders on regular emails.
EB0220
Pretty sure gmail does this.
Tetra
I got married this weekend, and already several people have called me Mrs. H’s Last Name this morning. I do not intend to change my name, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it — any suggestions on how to deal?
Anon
Don’t overthink it. “I’m actually keeping my name!”
Sydney Bristow
Yup. I think Ask A Managers advice of keeping it cheerful is key. Keep it light and treat it like its no big deal.
KT
Don’t make a big deal, just say, “Actually, I’m still Mrs. My Last Name, I didn’t change it”
I kept my name and I occasionally still have to correct people from time to time, but it’s no big deal.
Anonymous
Mrs. with birth name?
I think there’s been a discussion about this topic on here before, but I think it’s odd when folks use “Mrs.” with the last name they’ve always had.
I realize that’s a side discussion.
I’m glad it’s been no big deal for you when you correct people. I think that can vary depending on what part of the country one lives in, unfortunately. I agree with you and everyone else advising to not make a big deal out of it, be cheerful, etc.
Anonymous
“Actually I’m not changing my name”
Ck
Agree with other posters.
And remember, people are going out of their way to so all you Mrs H because they know you just got married and it is an old fashioned way of saying Congrats! We know you are married!
Anonymous
+1 People are just awkward. I would just say thanks.
Now, if official work correspondence started coming in with H’s last name, that’s what I would correct the error.
Anonymous
Eh, I disagree. They may just be saying it as a way of saying “congrats” but if you’re not changing your name it’s important to nip it in the bud so people don’t get in the habit of calling you by the wrong name.
Cat
Wait, you got married this weekend? Are you on your honeymoon and the hotel knows it? If that’s the case, I’d just smile and let it go…
If you’re at the office, I’d just say “thanks! It’s actually staying Ms. Current Name but Mr. His Name and I had a fabulous time!”
LondonLeisureYear
When you send out the thank you notes that was a key time that I made sure our address/names looked the way I wanted to be addressed in the future so they could use that as an example.
KT
Recommendations for a jewelry box for non-valuable jewelry? I have a ton of costume jewelry like statement necklaces, earrings, etc, and I have too many to fit in a regular jewelry box. I have a locking box for my real valuables that I keep hidden, but I’d like something to keep on a dresser for all my necklaces and stuff.
Anonymous
I have 4 acrylic storage units. The’;re stackable and I line 2 towers of them next to each other on my dresser and they look really nice. I lined them with black velvet I got cheap at Michaels so the jewelry pops, and it really looks elegant and I can see everything right away without having to open all the drawers.
I have these:
http://ow.ly/oUrI304znd7
Sydney Bristow
I gave up on jewelry boxes and hung up 2 large corkboards behind my bedroom door. Someone here recommended it and it’s awesome. Totally customizable for oddly shaped and size necklaces. Everything is on display so I can easily see what my options are.
Pesh
I use a drawer in my dresser with assorted re-purposed organizers. For example, I use the insert from a box of candy to store earrings in (one pair per truffle compartment to give you a visual), and other small containers to wrangle everything (small cardboard jewelry boxes you get from the jeweler’s, etc.). It seems to work well! I also keep a small jeweler dish by my sink for the pieces I wear everyday.
bosstown
glad to see you back, KT!
KT
Thanks! It’s been a crazy few weeks
buttons
I need to have 10 buttons sewn onto a jacket. I can’t figure out how to do it well myself. My tailor charges $3 per button (NYC). Does this seem like a reasonable expense to sew on 10 buttons? I know it would take me like 15 minutes, I just…can’t seem to get them on right.
KT
In NYC that sounds about right. Buttons are one of those things you CAN do yourself, but risk the chance of a button coming loose or going on too tight.
SilverSpringWanderer
That sounds like a reasonable price to me, but sewing buttons isn’t hard. Even on a jacket. Here’s a tutorial on how to do it and not have the buttons be too tight. You can use regular thread or if you want to get fancy, you can get buttonhole twist at a sewing shop. It is just heavier thread.
http://tuttofattoamano.blogspot.com/2009/08/how-to-sew-button-on-suit.html
Ck
Yeah…. I totally sew in one button for myself, but if I am doing the whole garment I bring it to one of my seamstresses. I don’t bring it to my pricey little old Italian guy…. I bring it to my dry cleaner seamstress, who does a ok job and charges less… Especially for small jobs.
anon
Ten is a lot to do yourself. If there are more than 2-3 buttons in a row I think I would spend the money for a tailor to do it. It’s just too obvious if one is slightly off. Otherwise I’d take it to the dry cleaner.
Monday
Friends, my husband (who moved out a couple of weeks ago) tells me we can’t get back together and we need to divorce. We had had a counseling appointment for this week, but he says it could not do anything to change his mind, so it’s canceled.
I did not want this at all, but 2 things that mitigate it are: 1) It’s very clear from what he’s saying that there’s nothing I can do or could have done to save it, so it brings an odd peace not to have to wonder about that, 2) He knows this is a really sh!tty thing to do and seems like he’s going to be generous as we work out the logistics. I told him I don’t want to go through it without a lawyer, but he’s agreed to basically do whatever my legal advice says. He is not getting his own.
I feel like crap, naturally, and have been crying a few times per day. My eating is weird, but I am sleeping, which is a godsend. I have lots of coping tools and distractions, and my friends have all been great. I told my 2 closest coworkers and have asked them to let people know, since I don’t want to be talking about it at work. I want people to keep an extra eye on my work in case I start missing things, though so far they assure me I am not.
Any advice beyond this?
Anonymous
thats rough. I think you’re doing your best here. Good lawyer? Good therapist? You just keep muddling through until it hurts less.
KT
Go to counseling for just you. This is a painful thing to go through, and while you may not think it’s necessary, go.
Absolutely get a lawyer, regardless if he gets one or not.
Can you take any time off work? Even a long weekend to let yourself grieve and pamper yourself, without the pressure of work, can help.
Anon in NYC
Hugs, Monday. I’m glad about the mitigating factors for you.
January
+1. Sorry you’re having a rough time, and I’m glad to see you’re handling it with as much grace as possible.
Anon
So sorry about this. That was basically the same thing that happened to me. I honestly felt a bit relieved after it happened because I’d realized I had been walking on eggshells around him leading up to it. We did go to one counseling session, and he sat hunched in the corner not willing to discuss anything.
For us, we ended up using a mediator to pull together the separation agreement and file the legal docs. We had no major challenges in the split – no kids, no illiquid assets, etc. It was much cheaper than a lawyer, the mediators were both former lawyers, and we are both in finance (so we understood how to allocate our assets).
Sorry you’re going through this. Take care of yourself!
Calico
I haven’t been through a divorce, but the best advice I received after a long term ex cheated on me was “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” For whatever reason, that hit home for me and became my mantra. It helped me get busy living and making MY life better. I cut off all contact and have never looked him up again. I think that helped me move forward.
Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you’re already taking great steps to be kind to yourself.
Anon for this
There is a chance I’ll be offered a job this week. It’s a big step up from any role I’ve ever had, and I’m a little anxious about the offer/negotiation process.
When asked early on what I currently make, I responded that an offer would need to be at least $X for me to consider leaving my current role. I noted my current salary is confidential (true per company policy, but I’m not sure if this is legally enforceable). Would they really drag me through a lengthy interview process and then offer significantly less than $X? This has happened to me before, and was really disheartening. What is the point?
$X is a lot more than my current base (30%), but I work in an industry where bonus is a large aspect of compensation (around 20-30%). The new job is in an industry without that bonus-dependent compensation structure. I have a feeling they may call me up to talk comp and ask again about my current salary. Can I emphasize total vs base comp?
I work in a niche role, where salaries vary hugely company to company, and industry data isn’t readily available to know what is a ‘realistic’ figure. My $X figure seems crazy high, but I think it’s a whiff of imposter syndrome, since it’s close to what I already make.
Also, as I would be walking away from a hefty year-end bonus (plus around 10k unvested 401k stock), is this an opportunity to negotiate a signing bonus? This role is so much more senior than my current job, and I want to be sure I am negotiating it to the right level, while being reasonable. Help..!
Anonymous
Yeah negotiate for a signing bonus!
bridget
Try “My total annual compensation is $Y. This new role is a step up in seniority and responsibility, which is why I am asking for $X.”
Don’t overexplain. And do not even hint at the idea that your bonus is somehow not part of that compensation. It is real money that you are currently paid every year for your job.
If it comes up, just say, “As is standard in my current company, we receive a large portion of our annual compensation in the form of a bonus.”
anonshmanon
If the new industry has a different pay structure, I would not specifically point out the base pay vs. bonus structure, just go with “Last year/in the last years, I was paid X(=base+bonus) annually.”
Anon
When you’re moving between roles that have different bonus structures, it’s absolutely appropriate to talk about your “salary plus bonus” needs to be $X. In that vein, if they ask about your current salary, you say “my current salary plus bonus is $X (round up to the nearest $5K). I’d expect my next role to combine to more than that amount, in order for me to leave my current place.”
And yes. Absolutely negotiate. Ask if there’s a signing bonus. If not, say you had $Y in mind. But if your year-end bonus is the same as your 20-30% bonus, then know that if they hit you $X, they’ve sort of already accounted for that piece. Still, you are forgoing the check, so it doesn’t hurt to ask for at least a portion of that.
And if they don’t budge and offer less? You say wow, that’s really disappointing. When I gave my $X figure earlier and you moved forward, I took that as a sign we were at least in the ballpark. Is there any room to get up to $X?
If not, then you walk. And know that, even though it’s common, they were shady in their hiring practices.
Anonymous
No, don’t focus on signing bonus. Focus on the right annual salary, it will be every year as compared to a one time signing bonus.
Then ask for a signing bonus.
LLC
I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just venting. My in-laws are Trump supporters. Husband and I both vote Dem, although I am much more passionate about politics than he is. With the election, things have gotten tense between me and my in-laws. They post racist memes on Fbook, and make subtly racist and homophobic comments in conversation. Im not to the point of wanting to cut off their contact with our kids, but it’s getting harder and harder to just ignore. Husband thinks they are in the wrong, too, but he is more able to just shake his head, while I just can’t anymore. They live just a couple hours away so we see them often. How can I be civil while making sure they’re not spewing this stuff in front of my children?
Anon 2
Here’s one small tip: stop following them on Facebook.
Anonymous
A) unfollow them on FB
B)they aren’t spewing stuff if they are making subtle comments. Your children prob don’t notice. And you can always regroup- hey gramma said xyz but she’s wrong.
C) “let’s not talk politics. Who wants to play outside”
Sarabeth
Agree with A and C, but disagree strongly with B. I am not ok with having racism/homophobia normalized to my kids, even if it’s subtle. They will absolutely pick up on it at some point, and they will think that you think it’s ok. I would insist that my husband have a conversation letting them know that you love them tremendously and want to cultivate their relationship with your kids, but you need them to cut those comments out while y’all are together.
anonymous
+1. Kids definitely notice these things.
OP
Thanks for this, I agree. Right now they are young but soon they will start listening to every word.
emeralds
+1 to Sarabeth. If I ever have kids this is in my future with my dad–he’s gotten a lot better about avoiding certain topics of conversation with me, but still makes a lot of little comments that are so blatantly racist, xenophobic, and homophobic. Future children will not be exposed to that. If he can’t clean it up he can’t see the grandkids. End of story.
Anonymous
I mean, if you want to cut ties with your father instead of teaching your children that some people have these views, and they and grandpa are wrong, go for it. But it seems completely unnecessary to me.
Anon
I’m with Emeralds on this one. The “different people have different views” approach is great when they are seeing their grandparents a handful of times every year. It is quite different when they see their grandparents multiple times a week, unless you are going to step in every single time Grandpa makes a racist joke (which is a couple times every visit) to explain to your kid why it is inappropriate and they shouldn’t think like that or repeat it. Even if you do, that language becomes normalized. My husband grew up in this environment and now that we have kids I have to do this with my husband. He is exponentially more forward thinking than his parents, but I still have to call him out on the white privilege and occasional racist comment, because in his household those were totally normal things, so he has a hard time recognizing that it is not ok.
anon a mouse
Re B, gently correct and then deflect in the moment. “Actually, we believe that all people have rights, no matter what color they are! [Child], what color is your shirt?” or “We think that people have the right to believe in whatever god they choose, and also, isn’t that a cute puppy?” It’s up to you to set the norms for your kids.
bosstown
I like this approach! Correct and change the subject. I agree that kids do notice and normalize and they dont yet make the judgment that grandma is saying things that raent ok but we’ll ignore it because we need to eat dinner in the next hour or whatever.
Anon
I’ve taken a break from Facebook until the election is over, primarily because I can’t deal with all the political stuff being posted on either side. (Side note: does ANYONE fact check anymore??? Hillary did not pose with Osama bin Laden, people.)
My in-laws are of the opposite mind from me/DH as well, and I have moments of thinking I better not die, since they’re the ones who would raise my kids. But then I make myself focus on the reasons they’re the ones to take care of my kids – they raised my husband, who still grew up to believe as we do. And they’re good human beings and corporate citizens who have good values and lessons to give my kids.
I think media can sometimes trick us into thinking that just because someone supports a different political party than you, they’re somehow fundamentally different than you are. But really, we’re all much more alike politically than we are separate. Focus on those similarities and try to breathe.
OP
I do need to get off Facebook, and I know we do agree on some points. However the fact that they think white boys would never disobey police orders or that a gay man and his husband are “confusing” is not a media trick. I don’t dislike Republicans, I dislike ignorance and intolerance.
Anonymous
I’d agree with you in a normal election year. But Trump isn’t McCain. Not all Republicans support Trump. In fact, HRC has an entire ad based around prominent Republicans saying they don’t support Trump.
There are 5 living US presidents and not a single one of them supports Trump – that says a lot.
OP
Yes, I responded to this but it seems to have disappeared. I don’t dislike Republicans, I dislike the ignorance and intolerance that Trump represents and that my in-laws subscribe to.
Gail the Goldfish
Re side note, well apparently the Trump campaign doesn’t think the media should be fact checkers during the debate… I don’t know wtf they think the media is for if not fact checking, but ok.
Anonymous
Unfollow them on facebook. Change the subject when they bring up politics. And talk to your kids about why grandma and grandpa’s hateful/intolerant statements are absolutely not ok and your nuclear family does not support those kind of things. I don’t think grandparents can brainwash kids when the parents make it clear that the grandparents’ views are not acceptable (I’m talking about normal circumstances where kids spend way more time with parents – obviously if the kids are living with grandparents or something like that, it’s a different story). I don’t think you have to cut off contact with the grandparents, but talk to your kids and let them the grandparents’ views are not ok.
inhousejen
I’ve been blocking people left and right on FB for this exact reason. Not de-friending, just blocking them from showing up on my newsfeed. After the dust clears post-election, I might turn their notices back on. Maybe. This doesn’t change the larger issue of knowing someone is openly supporting and promoting racist and homophobic ideals. When a random starts spewing that kind of hate, I just walk away. When a family members starts, though, I take one of two approaches: (1) whoa, I didn’t realize we were back in the 1950s; retro isn’t cool when it comes to hate (typically with closer family members who aren’t 75+ in age), or (2) the generational gap is amazing, because it would never occur to someone in my generation to even consider those things (my repeat line with my 98 year old grandfather). The kids are usually around when I say either thing, then we talk about it later on why we don’t judge people on the basis of these things. I tend to be incredibly sarcastic though, so the tone works well for me. Obviously depends on your family/friend dynamic.
Anon
I think you mean “unfollowing”. Blocking in Facebook lingo implies something a little stronger.
Anonymous
Yes, “blocking” someone on facebook unfriends them and makes it so they can never find you again on Facebook (unless you un-block them). It’s very definitive and final.
anon
I had to chuckle at “a couple hours away so we see them often” – idk how people make time to visit family more often than maybe once a month. I don’t even have kids and I can barely manage more than once a quarter for my family (2 hours away) and once a month for DH’s (30 mins). Can you just… be busy until after the election? Get the kids in soccer or pumpkin carving or yoga or whatever it is kids do these days?
Anonymama
I would gently disagree in the moment, and pleasantly request that they don’t talk about politics around the kids. And also try to reduce frequency/duration of visits if they don’t make a real effort to cut back on their comments.
DCGrad
Hey all, trying to get a number of skirts taken in (yay weight loss!) but working on a grad student budget — anyone care to share their favorite DC tailor and a ballpark of what an alteration would cost? They’re pretty basic pencil skirts with basic back zips so I can’t imagine it’d be more than taking in the sides a size or so
vendredi
If you can make it out to Rosslyn, Elim boutique has done fantastic alterations for me. I got a dress taken down a size for about $15, I’m guessing a skirt would be around $10 or less but call first. It’s the lowest price for alterations I’ve found in the DC area.
Ballet
Nordstrom card holders get $100 in alteration benefits, reimbursed in “notes” (nordstrom $$). Which if you’re like me get spent pretty quickly. The Rack on L street does fine enough alterations. Unfortunately they double the price for alterations for items not purchased at Nordstrom/Hautelook/Rack. It was $20 to hem jeans, $20 to take in a dress.
Baconpancakes
I was super happy with the work I had done at the Georgetown Valet on 13th and L Street (just past the Panera). I think the cost was under $20 per skirt, but I honestly can’t remember. The tailor there is not very talkative, but he understands how to tailor clothing to make it fit you well, unlike some tailors/seamstresses I’ve been to.
Missing the 'burbs?
Hi Hive, I could use some perspective. I moved to a major city 5 years ago after college for a job. For some reason I am suddenly struggling with the amount of crime in my city. Crime is admittedly up a lot this year overall, but nothing has happened to me or anyone I know personally since being here and certainly nothing more recently that would spark this stress, and I live in a safe neighborhood. Suddenly though I often feel apprehensive even on my daily commute, and sometimes I have a hard time sleeping because of stress about this. I’ve stopped encouraging friends and family to come visit me because I don’t want them in this environment. Increasingly I think about moving back to my sleepy college town, even though it would mean leaving a job and friends that I love.
I’m having a hard time deciding if this is all reasonable. On the one hand, I had never lived in a big city before moving here and maybe this is just part of it. Maybe this is part of what pushes people to the suburbs when they get older (and thus kind of a normal feeling)? Or is this a not so normal way to feel? At times it almost seems like an intrusive thought that I can’t get rid of, but it seems a bit silly to find a therapist to talk about crime when I’m not even a victim of one.
Fwiw, the city is Chicago and there’s been a lot of things lately (the shooting this past weekend in the Loop, the girl assaulted on the Blue Line in the middle of the day a few months ago) that have really gotten to me.
Veronica Mars
Anxiety isn’t rational. It looks like that’s what’s really bothering you. I’d suggest doing a check in with a therapist or getting my favorite anxiety book of all time, “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” by Dr. Bourne. It’s super cheap (you can get the 5th edition which is cheaper) and it’s an amazing resource for everything anxiety related. You could try doing a few of his techniques to reduce anxiety at night and see if that helps you sleep.
Killer Kitten Heels
I do think it’s normal (or, at least, within the range of whatever “normal” is) to get tired of living in the city after awhile, so I don’t think wanting to move to the ‘burbs, taken alone, is problematic, but what you’re describing sounds like it’s going beyond that – not inviting friends to socialize with you in your admittedly safe neighborhood and feeling afraid/stressed to the point of not sleeping or having intrusive thoughts that interfere with your daily routine. Those sound, to me, like signs of unchecked anxiety. Start with Veronica Mars’ self-help suggestions, but if those don’t work, it’s not silly at all to want to find a therapist to help you deal with anxiety. Therapists are for any time you’re dealing with thoughts/behavior that are maladaptive/interfering with your life in some kind of undesirable way – you don’t have to be a crime victim or have had some other serious negative issue or experience as a prerequisite to seeking one out, and no decent therapist is going to judge you or think you’re silly for wanting help with anxiety management.
Anonymous
The one in the Loop this weekend wasn’t random, right? The article I read said there was a dispute over a woman. I second KKH that city living is not for everyone (it’s not for me) but your level of anxiety does sound a little extreme. Move to the suburbs because you want the perks of the suburbs not because you’re scared of getting shot in the Loop (and not to freak you out, but plenty of people get shot in broad daylight in suburbs and small towns too, in movie theaters and schools. The risk of getting shot going about your daily life is just part of living in the US in 2016, sadly.)
Missing the 'burbs?
It’s all sort of hearsay since none of us were there, but the Chicago Tribune is reporting a man and his sister were leaving Chicago Gourmet when they were approached by a guy they didn’t know and the dispute started. The combination of the Loop, the early hour (7:30pm), and the fact that it seemed random gets to me.
And to your second point, yes, and I’m sad about that reality :/
Anonymous
I live in Chicago, in a relatively safe area, but my apartment was still broken into. Because different types of crimes occur in different places.
While these things are unsettling, for me I am proactive. I got a cheap security system for my apartment. I am alert and city smart when on the subway and walking alone. That helps me feel in control.
But if you are having difficulty sleeping with worry, I would recommend checking in with a therapist, or buying the anxiety workbook in Amazon. Most people don’t worry as much, and before making a big step like moving from a relatively safe area, this may be the time to address it head on.
Missing the 'burbs?
Concern about break-ins is what causes the most sleeping problems. What was the security system you got, if you don’t mind sharing?
sure..
Simplisafe. I learned about it from a post on this site!
You buy the system online based on your needs for your apartment/home size. I bought a refurbished one that was cheaper. You set it up yourself at home. Then you “activate” it when you are ready. I got the cheapest monthly plan which is less then $20 I think per month. No sign up fee, and when I move, I can take the system down and bring it with me to my new place.
It comes with a key chain that has an alert button on it that I can push if someone bothers me when I come home at night and am walking from my car to my apartment (it sets off my alarm system). And inside my home, I have an alert button by my bed that I can press if I needed help in my place.
It definitely makes me feel more secure. I also prominently post my alarm system signs on my door, windows, and in front of my apartment building. I was told by our cops that this does deter break-ins in my area.
JTX
I don’t have it myself, but I have seen a lot of posters recommend SimpliSafe.
ace
so, i figured it was Chicago within the first paragraph — it’s been a very rough year for us! The violence/shootings are always much worse in the summer than other times, so things should slow down as the weather cools.
Beyond that… I’ve got very little. Continue to be cautious about your own safety, but don’t let your fears control you. Second the advice above about considering whether therapy or the recommended source will be helpful to you.
-former Chicagoan turned suburbanite.
Missing the 'burbs?
So I’ve also thought that it’s just a reaction to this year being much worse than usual. It didn’t get as cold last winter either so we didn’t have as much of a lull as normal. Here’s to hoping it gets better soon!!
Anonymous
This is anxiety. Go to your doctor. Right now.
Missing the 'burbs?
Thanks to everyone who has responded already! I haven’t quite figured out how to put it into words with people in person, so having a sounding board here is helpful. I’ve been to a therapist about anxiety/depression in the past and generally feel like I have good tools for handling feelings like that in other areas of my life, but they’re not doing the trick on this (and since it’s not a “me” issue (job, relationships, etc) but a “world” issue, I wondered if they were the right approach for this).
Cross-body bag
Need recs for a great cross-body bag for travelling. Preferably around $50, but could possibly go up to $100 for the perfect bag
Anon
Do you mean just a small one for keeping cash and passport while you trek around the city? I have a Lesportsac similar to this https://cdna.lystit.com/photos/2013/06/27/lesportsac-chickadee-crossbody-kasey-product-4-11257058-887552808.jpeg
that someone gave to me as a gift. I like the three compartments. I can fit cash, cards, a passport, phone, pack of kleenex, and sunglasses in it.
Anonymama
I just got a baggalini, it’s very light but large enough to fit a water bottle, granola bar and a sweater along with wallet etc., but doesn’t feel large when carrying it.
Anon
Absolutely unfollow them on FB. I unfollowed 50% of my in-laws on FB for the exact same reason. My in-laws are also racist. They have been informed that we are not raising our children to be racist so they are not allowed to make racist comments in front of my children. If they do, the visit ends. If politics come up, I firmly state that we are changing the subject. If the politics discussion takes a racist turn, the visit ends.
Anon
This was in response to LLC.
Anonymous
love this approach
One Percent
This comes up a lot on this site- someone who is in the one percent saying how they’re poor, etc. The NY times had an interesting article about it this weekend.
One Percent
The article: http://nyti.ms/2d8NFIl
Anonymous
I can’t believe Teton, WY is #1! I know that most homes there are vacation homes, so it makes sense that residents are well off, but I can’t believe it’s so much more than the Bay Area and NYC.
bridget
“The top 1%” sounds really catchy, but the reality is that someone earning $389k has a lot more in common with someone earning $200k (or even $150k) than someone earning $1.5 million (the average of the incomes of the top 1%).
It often costs a lot of money to be in the lower part of the top 1% – six figure student loans, lost opportunity costs from college and grad school years, hcol areas, long hours that require outsourcing tasks. There’s also the issue of not qualifying for financial aid for college – and each kid will cost about a quarter million.
Anon in NYC
I agree with this.
Anon
Yup. We are in the lower part of the 1% in a HCOL area. We just finished paying off my husband’s $200k in student loans, and are trying to save up for a down payment in our HCOL area, which will take a few years. We make enough that we literally do not qualify for a single tax deduction, other than the mortgage interest deduction, but we also can’t afford to buy a house yet. We’re also not wealthy enough to consider the “tax planning” strategies of the millionaire one-percenters. It’s incredibly frustrating.
That being said, I feel incredibly grateful to have the earning power and careers we have. This is the ultimate first-world problem.
Jeffiner
Wow, I grew up in Grayson County, VA. Even as a kid, my dad has always called it a “very economically depressed area.”
I moved away, went to college, and now have a job making six figures. According to this article I’m not in the 1% in my current county, but I definitely feel very comfortable financially, and that I have a lot of disposable income.
My mom is a substitute teacher in Grayson County. She has to add in a few other odd jobs throughout the year to make ends meet, but she does it without complaint. I do worry about her though.
Jitterbug
TL;DR, first wedding with my boyfriend went well, but something happened on the way home and I’m worried now.
My boyfriend and I went to our first wedding together this weekend! For the most part everything went well, we danced a lot and had a lot of fun, he even told me he thinks he loves me (not exactly what you wanna hear, but hey, step in the right direction, I’ll accept it).
But on the way home I realized I was low on gas, and he was using an app to help me find a gas station, but there was a miscommunication about where I was supposed to go, and in the stress of the moment I raised my voice, and immediately felt bad. I apologized a few minutes later when we’d found a place and calmed down, and he said it was fine, I was just stressed, it happens.
Part of me thinks that kind of argument is less than ideal, but super normal in relationships (“old married couple” and all that jazz) but I’m also worried he’s going to break up with me over it. Should I follow up with him in a few days to make sure we’re still okay, or drop it to avoid making a mountain out of a molehill and see if he brings it up again?
Anonymous
option 2
BabyAssociate
Agreed, this seems minor and definitely not something worth breaking up over. Move on.
anon
assuming you just raised your voice (as everyone does from time to time when they’re stressed, and driving is stressful!) and didn’t yell at him like a psycho, you’re overthinking this and following up with him about it in a serious way would be weird. Next time you’re hanging out you could apologize again (but in an offhanded way).
Anonymous
What? How is this even a question? This is absolutely normal and if he “breaks up with you over it” he’s breaking up over some thing else and refusing to tell you the real reason.
Anonymous
Oh. My. God. Please. Stop.
All of your posts sound like you are applying for a job with this dude and terrified of putting a foot wrong and losing him. That is not a healthy attitude with people. You need to figure out a way to chill. Maybe it’s yoga. Maybe it’s running. Maybe it’s reading. Maybe it’s talking to someone. But it is 100% not normal to worry he’s going to dump you because of a squabble over directions, and you need to get your insecurity under control.
Anonymous
Every single post of Jittberbug’s contain crazy insecure nonsense. Girl, relax!
nutella
Hey Jitterbug, I’ve noticed a similar pattern too, not just with this guy but with your previous ones as well about others. Life can be stressful and any long term relationship or marriage you have will have those moments. Being stressed about finding a gas station in a city you don’t know (I’m guessing) in a car that’s not yours (I’m guessing) is normal and ok. (Obviously different than this is par for the course and the only way one of you ever communicates is by being mean and short.) When SO and I snap about these kinds of things, we apologize right away for being snippy or short. I worry why you think this is something anyone would break up with someone over. And I worry that you seem to over analyze every small thing in a relationship… possibly to the point that it sabotages the relationship (I don’t know, though).
Anyway, to answer your question, go with option 2 and practice that internally. Stop making big deals out of things that aren’t. If you find that you cannot, then he may not be the right person for you, or you may need some help with anxiety or something else. I wish you well.
JuniorMinion
Second all this – part of having a healthy / strong relationship is not never ever having a conflict, but dealing with it and moving on / helping your SO though something that is stressful for them. I occasionally melt down to my hubs – and he helps me through it. That’s part of what a relationship is. Additionally, if you stay the course with this man, there will be many real trials where you may have to work through challenging stuff (ie job loss, crappy parents, etc) and you don’t want to think every time you have a difficult moment you are breaking up / need to walk on eggshells.
Signed, Had a huge fight leaving LA driving over the grade after a very long work / travel day because yours truly told former LA resident hubby that the traffic “didnt look that bad” on google maps.
Anonymous
haha I wouldn’t call this old married couple but I don’t know any couple who DOESNT go through this while driving at some point.
Anonymous
Right? DH and I literally high five each other if we don’t get into a fight while driving on vacation or if we assemble a piece of Ikea furniture without a fight.
Meg Murry
Yes, this! If I had to pick the top 5 times my husband or I speak sharply to each other, I’m pretty sure when one person is driving and the other is giving directions is up there as #1 or #2. We’ve learned some coping mechanisms now (looking up directions ourselves instead of asking the other, building in extra time for getting turned around, trying to find food *before* one or both of us or the kids have the hangries, etc) – but communicating while driving is stressful.
Also in the top five: when Person A isn’t ready to leave at the time Person B has mentally set as “time to go” – also often before driving to an unfamiliar area to attend a wedding. Another in the top 5: when one person asks for help finding a lost item and the other person tries to lecture them on how they should have prepared earlier or how they shouldn’t be such a slob – which also tends to happen when getting ready to go on vacation or to a wedding.
Basically – vacations or driving are hard on all relationships. Just apologize at the time, come up with coping strategies to avoid it happening in the future, and move on.
all about eevee
Don’t bring it up again. I have been with my partner for almost ten years now, and if we made a big deal of it every time we snapped at each other, we would be having state of the unions every time one of us got hungry, tired, or thirsty.
Cc
Jitter bug, for about the thousandth time. You need therapy for your anxiety. Your posts make me shudder.
Sydney Bristow
My husband and I were trying to figure something out for a weekend away recently and he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. I got a little snappy and short with him. About 10 minutes later I calmed down and apologized for snapping at him. He said the same thing your boyfriend did. Not a problem, I understand why you were stressed out. That was that. Absolutely nothing to worry about or bring up again. I hadn’t even thought about it again until reading your post. I wouldn’t even call it an argument.
This is really truly no big deal. But think about it this way. Would you want to be with someone who you could never express your frustration with? It’s not worth being with someone you walk on eggshells around. Sometimes couples get frustrated with each other. As long as you can calm down and apologize and not have it become a habit, I think it’s no big deal and really a pretty normal thing.
Face Stuff
A friend of mine sells R&F and I really like the soothe line. But, it’s a pyramid scheme, and it’s crazy expensive.
Can anyone recommend a cleanser, lotion, and skin treatment (if that’s a thing outside R&F– I’m not very product savy, obviously) that are like the ones in the soothe line but don’t cost an arm and a leg?
Things that I like about the soothe line are that the cleanser leaves my face feeling moisturized and that nothing is scented. I have very dry, sensitive, rosacea-prone skin. I can’t handle cleansers that leave my skin feeling squeaky clean/dry/like it’s going to crack and fall off. I need a lotion without chemical sunscreen. The oil of olay lotion with sunscreen makes my face burn and sting, so my skin is sensitive to something in that, and I’m pretty sure its the sunscreen.
Anon
A lot of beauty blogs and beauty forums have members who go out and find duplicates and know a lot more about how serums and products compare. I’d google to find some good ones, or find some already discussing R+F. They’d also be better at recommendations, as knowledgeable forums have members who can analyze the actual ingredients to compare. I’ve found them to be really helpful when looking for product dupes (as they call them).
Maddie Ross
From a quick search, it looks like the key difference in the “Soothe” line is 1% hydrocortisone, so that may help guide your search. I couldn’t find any immediate dupes when I googled (the kool-aid is strong with R&F for some reason). Good luck. I feel the same way about it. I’m totally curious, but not willing to buy in as it already clogs half by FB feed and seems to turn otherwise normal 30-something women into nutjobs.
Face Stuff
Yeah, I got the first set as a gift, and then I bought it for myself once. I really love it and my skin has never looked better, but I just CANNOT keep spending that much money on face lotion, etc. It is just insane. $145 for four tiny little bottles? No.
Anonymous
Paula’s Choice probably has some products that would fit your skin. I think there is a Rosacea line.
DC Anon
+1
I am in my mid-30s with very similar skin to yours and Paula’s Choice works great for me.
BabyAssociate
You might want to consider the Clinique 3-step product line, they have different options for different skin types: https://www.clinique.com/3-step-collection/
Godzilla
Get you to Sephora! Try all of the things!!!!! I suffer from A LOT of allergies and sensitivities and I have found things that work for me at Sephora. Seriously, go spend some time there, load up on samples.
Minnie Beebe
I have extremely sensitive skin as well– even some products for sensitive skin sting. I use a Neutrogena Naturals cleanser, and then follow with rose water toner and a niacinamide serum (both from Skin Daily, purchased on Amazon,and inexpensive.) In the mornings, I apply Elta MD 46SPF sunscreen and Cerave lotion (just the night kind, because I already have SPF from the Elta lotion.) Nights, I usually skip the niacinamide and use a retinol, followed by Cerave lotion.
The niacinamide serum is awesome – it’s helped keep my skin clear, and it also allows me to use far less lotion for some reason. I used to have to apply lotion twice some days, especially in winter, and with the serum I sometimes don’t need to apply any lotion at all. Unscented, and doesn’t sting.
Bonnie
Similar skin and I use Clinique’s 3 step mild set. Oil of Olay products frequently contain chemical sunscreens that are very irritating to those with rosacea. In the mornings, I use a CeraVe moisturizer with a physical blocker.
Feeling sick
Anyone else always feel sick when the seasons change? Tips to feel less cr@ppy? I’m upping my vitamin C intake as well as taking allergy medication just to be safe but I’m just feeling awful (not even like visible symptoms like runny nose but my head / body feels off)
Godzilla
Yeah, that happens to me. I think it’s my immune system being overwhelmed by a host of new allergens. I increase my caffeine intake (and I should increase the water intake as well). Try to get more sleep maybe?
anon
Is there science to the caffeine thing? I suffer from what OP describes and I’m open to an excuse to drink more coffee.
Godzilla
No science. I just feel so drained that I need a boost. I suppose you could take B vitamins as well.
Baconpancakes
Are you taking Flonase? Flonase literally changed my life. Oral allergy meds are great for some things, but I’ve been on it for six months now, and the two season changes didn’t slow me down at ALL, for the first time in about a decade.
Feeling sick
No, taking Zyrtec. Is Flonase OTC?
Baconpancakes
Yep. It’s pretty expensive, though. I’d try the brand name small one (I’ve seen some that only have 15 days’ worth of meds in them), and if you respond well to that, get the generic (I get mine at Costco, which comes in multi-packs of 60 days’ worth for the price of a single small brand name one). You have to use it for about one to two weeks before you’ll feel the effects, but if it’s going to work for you, you’ll definitely notice it.
lost academic
It is now, and you can get good deals with coupons at the big box stores too.
Godzilla
Zyrtec also makes you feel drowsy/out of it. Maybe switch to Allegra?
Meg Murry
Tis the season for a new round of colds as the kids start school and start swapping germs – even if you don’t have kids it’s probably making the rounds in your office.
Have you had your iron or Vitamin D levels checked? I feel crappy and blah when those are low.
Are you getting less sun exposure now that the days are shorter? I have a Happy Light on my desk and it helps sometimes in waking me up.
I know it’s probably mostly placebo more than anything else, but I get a slight kick from the Emergen-C packets that have vitamin’s B, C and D.
anon
Help? I’ve been on the nuvaring for over a year, no issues. Last night I took it out right before a gardening session (because I find it uncomfortable in certain positions). I stupidly forgot to put it back in until this morning (so it was out for 10 hours). I’m on week 2 of the cycle.
I have called my doctor’s office twice this morning and still have not gotten a call back. I’m freaking out. Should I go get plan B at a pharmacy? Or am I protected from last night, but just need to use backup for the next week?
I’m so annoyed that no one from my doctor’s office has called me back yet, and I don’t know what to do.
TIA!
Anonymous
No experience with NuvaRing, but I would probably take Plan B if I were you and you weren’t interested in a potential oops baby right now. You’re kinda at the ovulation window…
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t know the answer but I bet your pharmacist can answer this for you.
Minnie Beebe
You could try calling Planned Parenthood – they should be able to answer your question. Former NuvaRing user here: I don’t think that 10 hours is anything to be truly worried about (though I certainly do understand why you’d be anxious about it) – Plan B is not outrageously expensive, so for peace of mind I’d probably just go that route if I were in your shoes.
Good luck!
Betsy
If you have the documentation that comes with your prescription handy, I’m almost positive the answer is in there. I used to be on nuvaring and I seem to remember that there is a window of time that is safe to have it out. I don’t remember exactly how long it is, but 10 hours may well be in the window – I’m vaguely remembering either 12 or 24 hours. Call your pharmacist!
Idea
You’re fine.
One morning my husband woke up with the Nuvaring around his, ahem, gardening tool.
I called the gyne and she said we were OK — no need to take Plan B.
Well, I also called my s/expert friend and she also said we were ok.
But definitely get the A-OK from your doctor.
between two podiums
Can we get a pre-debate anxiety thread going?
I’m torn between wanting to watch to support my candidate (Clinton) and wanting this whole debacle (Trump) to be over.
BabyAssociate
Are you going to watch it tonight? I feel like I should, but I don’t know if I can get myself to do it. Trump’s inane nonsense is no longer entertaining like it was a year or so ago, now it’s just scary.
between two podiums
I actually have another commitment tonight, so I literally can’t watch. I wish I could, just to show support. But yes, I’m terrified of the inevitable “exceeded expectations” spin that will come out of Trump not, like, falling flat on his face *and* setting the moderator on fire.
FiveThirtyEight today is NOT HELPING.
BabyAssociate
Yup, agreed on all accounts. What I am considering is going to a popular Democrat bar in my city to watch it. Maybe it’ll be less painful if I’m surrounded with like-minded people (and beer)?
Anonymous
I am terrified. About the debates, about the election, about everything. I’ve been saying for a year that I’m terrified of Trump. People said “he can never win the primary.” Then he did. Then they said he can never win the general election and it’s a month out and they’re tied in the polls. I’m so freaking terrified for our country and world. I have honestly cried about this, I’m so scared.
Anon
Over react much?
Anonymous
OP, I don’t think that’s an overreaction. It is scary to think about what happens in Trump’s America, especially if you happen to be one of the types of people targeted by his vitriol. Not taking a threat like Trump seriously is the reason he won the primary, it’s the reason he’s polling even… and if we continue to not take hims seriously as a candidate, it’ll be the reason he gets elected.
Sloan Sabbith
How do you know Anonymous is not a:
Woman?
Muslim woman?
Black woman?
Disabled woman?
Woman with children?
Woman who might want to have children?
Woman who might want an abortion?
Woman with a disabled child?
Latino woman?
Seriously- he’s terrifying, for many, if not all of those groups. I’m a disabled woman and I too am terrified. If you are so privileged as to be not worried, good for you! The rest of us aren’t so lucky, and he’s straight up terrifying.
Anon
Yes definitely feeling a constant low level of anxiety over this. Was planning to watch but now not sure if I will…
anon dc
I don’t think this is an overreaction at all. I am honestly a bit terrified myself.
My husband works one block from the White House, I’m two blocks, our child is in daycare two blocks from the White House. We live 1.5 miles from the Capitol. I am legitimately terrified for a Trump presidency.
If Trump wins we will probably leave town inauguration weekend……
Anon at 1:45
A Trump inaugural weekend, I can’t even imagine-
Anon for this
Same. I’ve been invited to watch it at a friend’s house. Her husband hates Hillary. Not sure if he is supporting Trump. Not sure I can watch the debate with them. My husband (who is conveniently out of town) thinks I should go because my friend isn’t great about voicing her opinion about stuff and is probably inviting me for back up with the Hillary hating husband. Not sure I’m up for changing hearts today. I’ll probably go.
Anonymous
How good a friend is she? Can you have a drinking game where you take a drink every time Trump says something untrue? May the risk of his wife getting alcohol poisoning because Trump lies so much will make her DH hold his noise and vote for HRC?
Anonymous
Good luck convincing him they’re untrue, especially with the moderators being instructed not to call the candidates out on factual inaccuracies.
Anonymous
That’s my point – you can google stuff to point out how ridiculous it is that the moderators aren’t calling it out. If the moderators aren’t fact checking – I’m sure a proHRC PAC will be and (hopefully) tweeting out corrections.
pugsnbourbon
I hear Bloomberg is doing a live fact-check during the debate.
Anon for this
Close friend. I printed bingo cards. She’s pregnant and can’t drink. The bingo cards are non-partisan. They cover both sides equally. I’ll make it fun.
anonymous
I’m not watching the debate tonight. I will vote, but I need to disengage from this process for my own sanity. I had a white male coworker tell me that I’m being myopic and self-centered by not watching the debate at a bar with Trump supporters (neither he nor I are Trump supporters). I’m a black female and in the best case I expect that to be unpleasant, and in the very worst case dangerous. In general I do value hearing other perspectives, but blatant bigotry isn’t something I’m willing to tolerate. I tried to go into as little detail with coworker as possible, but he was very disappointed in me and thought that my safety concern around a bunch of drunk Trump supporters was silly. And of course, he’s the arbiter of these things. I seriously cannot wait until this election is over.
Walnut
Has anyone run across good drinking games/bingo cards/humorous live tweet handles to go along with the sh*t show that will be this debate?
X
Here’s the one from this morning’s Daily Skimm:
http://www.theskimm.com/recent
Anon for this
These are the ones I am using.
http://www.seattletimes.com/entertainment/play-presidential-debate-bingo-download-cards-or-play-online/
Birthday Frustration
My birthday was this past weekend, and I feel really frustrated at my DH. We’re generally not “celebrate on the exact day or else” people, and I legitimately don’t care if we go to dinner or a show or whatever the weekend before or after when my birthday falls on a Tuesday. Or, I get the gift of a future celebration on a weekend on the random Thursday because that just makes more sense. But this year kinda sucked because my birthday actually fell on a weekend. A couple of weeks ago, DH came in to ask me about my schedule for this weekend, and I got really excited, thinking he was planning some sort of “surprise”. Nope, he wanted to make sure it was cool for him to go out of town for the whole weekend to do his hobby. My face immediately showed disappointed, which he acknowledged… and then he went ahead and booked his weekend out of town. DH called me on my birthday morning and had flowers sent, but it just feels like a complete let down (we got into a small argument just before he left town, so it almost feels like the flowers were a combined, “Sorry we had a stupid fight / oh btw, happy birthday with the least amount of effort possible”). Everyone assumes I have this built-in birthday celebration, and I don’t. All weekend everyone kept asking what DH was doing for my birthday… so I lied the whole weekend and said I was soooo busy with my hobby, so we would have celebrate another time, he was planning dinner on a weekend when I was available, etc. And now DH is legitimately confused about why I’m upset, since I haven’t traditionally been so insistent that celebrations happen on the exact day. I can’t figure out how to explain that it’s not about the EXACT day, it’s about the fact that his hobby was just so important that he couldn’t even be bothered to figure out a weekend before or after to make concrete plans to celebrate.
Now he keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate, where I want to go for dinner, etc. No, dude, I want you to plan something. Anything. Like, it really doesn’t have to be fancy… I’d be happy coming home to a nice dinner that you cooked because you wanted me to feel special.
Am I being unreasonable? Sometimes I feel like the “cool girl” syndrome has really taken over his attitude toward me. Because I generally am pretty cool about most things. But I don’t want to have to beg you to do something for my birthday, I want you to WANT to do something for my birthday. I don’t want to have to spell it out that hey, maybe going out of town for your hobby that you can do some other weekend is kinda crappy, and I’d really prefer that you not do that. Or, at least, give me a card with a definitive date for a celebration before you leave town.
anonymous
I get that birthdays shouldn’t be a big deal when we’re adults, but I definitely wouldn’t just unilaterally plan to be out of town on my spouse’s birthday.
Anonymous
Yes, you are being unreasonable. He did want to do something for your birthday- he wanted to send flowers, and call, and figure out a celebration not on the day which is something you are normally fine with. If you didn’t want him to go away on your birthday you should have spoken up right away.
anon
what? so it’s unreasonable to expect your SO to plan something special for your birthday weekend instead of going out of town without you?
OP, I would feel the same exact way (except I would have spoken up when he told me about the trip and shut that down). Even if you spoke up, you’d still feel bad because he should have wanted to do something for your birthday without prompting. I’d be furious.
Anonymous
No, but when you have always been fine with it before, didn’t ask him not to go when he brought it up, and he did do something, it does seem unreasonable to them be mad.
anonymous
+1 You definitely should have spoken up.
Birthday Frustration
So, when he asked me about the weekend, my face literally fell, so much so that my engineer-who-can’t-read-people-at-all actually said, “Oh… wait, you’re disappointed because you thought I was asking so that I could plan something? Umm….” to which I replied as shortly and obviously sarcastic as possible, “Yeah, no, why would I expect you to plan something instead of going out of town? Yeah, OF COURSE you would go out of town, I don’t want to do anything anyway.” And then over the next two weeks, basically constantly comment about how I’m not doing anything for my birthday, why would I ever want to actually hang out with my DH over my birthday weekend, etc. I was very clear that I was upset, but it’s pretty disheartening to have to blatantly say, “Please don’t go out of town over my birthday weekend, I’d really like you to plan something nice for me.” To which he would reply, “But… wait, I thought you didn’t care about the exact day.” And we’d have to have this argument beforehand, and he’d plan a pity party, but then not understand why it came off as a pity party.
Anon
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was totally on board with everything everyone was saying about how you weren’t being unreasonable on one hand but that you were on the other hand…until I read that your husband is an engineer. That’s a whole other breed of man. In the future, you just need to say: “Hey, I know I don’t ordinarily make a big deal about my birthday, but this year it falls on a weekend and it would make me very happy if you planned something like …” Then give him three options.
Ann
Hi, engineer here. Sure, there are stereotypes and whatnot, but it is so not okay to pretend she’s dealing with another breed of humans. It’s expected that engineers treat people with respect and care just like everyone else. I thought you were being sarcastic and then decided you probably weren’t.
Anon
I wasn’t being sarcastic. The OPs problems would be solved if she implements my advice in the future. She has already done what you suggest: assume he’s going to do what any sensitive person would do in the same situation. He’s a man AND he’s an engineer. Next time, she can marry a poet. For now, she needs to spell it out for him.
lawsuited
I think being passive aggressive is more disheartening and damaging to relationships than saying what you mean. Your husband and you both deserve the benefit of honest communication rather than sarcasm. There is nothing wrong with saying: “I know I don’t usually care about celebrating my birthday on the day, but this time it falls on a weekend so I’d rather you not go out of town rather so we can spend it together.”
Anonymous
Nope. Nope nope nope. You wanna talk about adulting?!? Use your words. “Yes, I was hoping you were asking so you could plan something for my birthday. I’d really like to celebrate together, can you do hobby another time.” Being sarcastic and snide for two weeks is immature and not leading to success.
Anon
YES ++1 to Anonymous! Tell him what you want/need.
And, given your history, I’d be as up front as possible. “My feelings were hurt b/c you went away over my birthday weekend. I understand we don’t usually celebrate, so I should have told you that this would bother me. I’d like to go out to dinner on Tuesday night, and I’d like you to make the arrangements with [X] restaurant.”
Then, go without an agenda or baggage and celebrate!
the gold digger
No, you are not being unreasonable. He needs to make the plans. He needs to do the emotional labor. Even if it’s not on your actual birthday, he needs to try to make you happy. I don’t care, either, if something happens on the actual day – we went out for my husband’s birthday, which was in May, on Friday, but he needs to come up with the plan, not put it all on you.
anon
You’re not being unreasonable. Celebrations typically happen on a weekend or weekend eve i.e. Thursday. If your birthday falls on a Tuesday then of course you’ll have your actual celebration the weekend before or after, depending on schedule. And if it falls on a weekend then of course you’ll do something on the actual day if possible.
I’d be really hurt that DH acted like his hobby was a higher priority than me. He came to you ahead of time which is good and which you acknowledge. But he had basically already decided he was going to do his hobby. It wasn’t like, “heyyyy so I know it’s your birthday but I have this once a year out of town super awesome Event for Hobby that weekend and I’d really like to go. Is it OK if we go to Amazing Restaurant on Alternative Date to celebrate your birthday? I’ll totally miss Event, though, if you had your heart set on celebrating this weekend.” It sounds like he also could’ve given you more of a heads-up so you could have made other plans on your actual birthday. Instead you had to stay home alone. Not cool.
Anonymous
So, I would be really upset if I were you, because I LOVE my birthday and I LOVE making a big deal out of it. It sounds like you need to start being direct with your DH. He clearly didn’t understand. You’re being sarcastic and expecting him to read your mind. This is not going to work. He messed up, he can’t fix it until you tell him what he did and why you feel crappy about it (a la post below). You don’t have to have a pity party on the internet for yourself. You have to be clear about what you want, why you want it, and then be happy and excited when your DH gives it to you.
anon
Me, too! I know the conventional wisdom is that birthdays shouldn’t matter to adults, but I like to make a fuss for my loved ones on their birthdays and expect them to do the same for me.
Different Perspective
Not everyone feels that way. I’m married to someone whose mother made such grandstanding and all about her that the birthday is a bad memory. Sad because we’ve been married longer than he had to deal with this but it is what it is. I’ve had to realize and accept that his lack of doing anything for MY day reflects how he wants his to be and that I’m not getting MY day. It is what it is. In the big scheme of life, and >30 years happily married, really, move on. Take it from his perspective, not yours.
Anonymous
I think his actions were a little insensitive but I also think you take a large share of the blame for not speaking up. I would not be ok with my DH going out of town on my birthday (for a fun trip, obviously business travel is different). But I would tell him that when he asks if it’s ok to plan the trip. I read your second comment (at 12:52) and what you did was ridiculously passive aggressive. Don’t be sarcastic and snippy. Be direct, and tell him you want to celebrate your birthday together and could he plan this trip for some other time? If he says “yeah, no, I care more about my trip than your bday” THEN he’s a jerk and you can be upset. But right now you’re blaming him for something that happened mostly due to your failure to communicate.
Anonymous
I think this is a really case of getting your expectations too high. You said early on in your post that you were hoping/expecting for a surprise when he asked if you were free. And then you didn’t get that, so anything he did would have been a letdown. Flowers and a phone call sounds perfectly appropriate to me, especially if you don’t normally make a big deal about birthdays and you don’t tell him you want something different this year.
newbinlaw
Oh man. I disagree with people here. If your bday falls on the weekend that’s such a great opportunity for your SO to plan something special.. even if you aren’t big birthday people. We aren’t either, but neither of us would do this. He should have been prioritizing making plans for you, not making his own plans to do X hobby, especially if he could do that any other weekend.
Two Cents
I agree. I’m sorry, OP. Happy belated birthday and I totally understand where you are coming from.
Anonymous
Nope, not being unreasonable. He’s doing like, negative amounts of work here, by making you decide what your celebration will be. I’d be upset, too.
Anon
Tell him this: “It’s not about the EXACT day, it’s about the fact that his hobby was just so important that he couldn’t even be bothered to figure out a weekend before or after to make concrete plans to celebrate.” But maybe rephrase it as “I felt like you prioritized your hobby over making plans for my birthday. In the future it would be nice if you planned something (anything!) to commemorate my birthday and did your hobby on a different weekend.”
I was in a similar boat a few years ago with my husband. We don’t usually do much for birthdays (but usually do something small like a card, dinner, etc.) and one year my husband did nothing. Literally nothing. I waited all day for something and nothing came. I was pissed and hurt so I told him I was pissed and hurt. Now he knows to do something. Marriage is hard, so spell it out for him. He messed up, tell him why and how to not do it again in the future. Also, if he tells you he is going to spend the weekend doing his hobby and you are going to be pissed if he spends the weekend doing his hobby, tell him that.
Birthday Frustration
Did your DH give a reason for doing nothing? I feel like your comments about not making a big deal of birthdays are true of us, but we always do SOMETHING. Did he understand when you told him you were hurt by it? I’ve been trying to explain this to DH and he just seems to think this is a really nuanced distinction vs. pretty obvious thoughtlessness.
Anonymous
He. Did. Do. Something.
He sent flowers. Do you wanna hate him? Sounds to me like you have some serious issues with his hobby. Deal with those directly. Don’t pretend he did nothing for your birthday instead.
Jeffiner
Sending flowers after going out of town is a crappy consolation gift, and not a proper birthday celebration, even if they typically don’t make a big deal about birthdays.
I would tell him that he hurt her feelings by going out of town on her birthday, and that she wants him to plan something for her. Tell him that it doesn’t matter if they go out or have a nice dinner at home, the point is that she doesn’t want to have to come up with all the details.
Godzilla
OP, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. You have not communicated your expectations to your husband clearly. Let HIM know why/how you were hurt. You’re asking him to read your mind which is just really unfair.
Anonymous
+1
Anon in NYC
This is not the same thing as a birthday, but one year my husband didn’t get me flowers on Valentine’s Day. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. We stay in, maybe we make a slightly fancier meal, we don’t give each other gifts, etc. It was completely reasonable for him to expect that flowers on Valentine’s Day was not a thing, and I don’t fault him at all for assuming that. But it was (surprisingly) at thing for me. I sulked for a few days and finally said something. He was surprised, but he has purchased flowers for me ever since.
I think you just need to say something to him and say something very similar to what you’ve said here. It’s not necessarily about the day, but the fact that he went out of town on your actual birthday and didn’t otherwise make plans to celebrate it with you. And now if he makes plans at your insistence (or in reaction to your feelings) just sort of compounds the hurt and thoughtlessness. It’s okay to feel upset and hurt about this, even if it is something that you wouldn’t ordinarily make a big deal out of. I don’t think we all have to be perfect and rational human beings all the time.
Anonymama
Yes, I think it’s even okay to acknowledge that maybe you didn’t communicate clearly before, and it was maybe even a little surprising to you that it bothered you so much, but that it really did hurt your feelings and that in the future for birthdays he should know that you want him around to celebrate with, that you were sad to be home alone by yourself on your actual birthday, and that you would like him to plan an activity/evening along the lines of nice dinner etc. it sort of seems like the flowers might have been fine any other year, but that you were already sort of annoyed at him for going out of town for your birthday, especially when you got your hopes up that it might be a bigger than normal celebration, so you were primed to view it in a less than flattering lens. You can just say, man, I was super disappointed that you weren’t here for my birthday, can you plan something super fun to make up for it?
Dress for DC wedding guest in late Oct.
Attending an outdoor wedding in DC the last weekend of October when I will be 6 months pregnant. Any suggestions on dress color/style that would be suitable for a semi-formal wedding that time of year in DC? TIA!
DC Anon
I’d wear whatever color/style looks good on you. Plus, if you’re 6 months pregnant, you totally get a pass to look however you want.
Is the whole wedding outdoors? Or just the ceremony and cocktail hour? I’d wear a normal cocktail dress and bring a light coat for the outdoor portion.
Anonymous
I rented a Seraphine navy blue lace empire waist dress from Mine for Nine for my SIL’s wedding (I was 8 months and huge so really needed straight up maternity). It was a good experience. I could also see wearing a black maternity dress that’s more casual and doing a fancy necklace or scarf if you don’t want to get or rent something new.
Erin
If there’s a chance you will fit in a size large (? Might be a medium or a 10, Have to check) black maternity maxi from Nordstrom let me know…I wore it to a wedding at 5.5 mos pregnant and a bachelorette at 8 months (it is not bachelorette party sexy, it was just my best effort at participating!)
Dress for DC wedding guest in late Oct.
Thanks so much for the feedback! And really appreciate your offer, Erin, but I’m usually size 2…but we’ll see at the end- this is going to be a big baby. I am leaning towards a black dress with dressy jewelry or scarf. thanks again
Anonymous
I am searching for a new position because I am currently drowning at work.
This morning when I missed a meeting with my boss I realized that I am also pretty checked out. My former boss was laid off three months ago and my co-worker, who was the only other person in my department, quit a month ago. I was reassigned to another boss who doesn’t know what I do (but at least he admits it). There are no plans to replace either my coworker or former boss.
This morning I got an email from another department head that I am expected to take on some work from their department that she says is taking them two hours a day. (My boss and I were copied on this email, I was not consulted on this, I can’t tell if he was)
I have two problems, I am sucking at my job. I hate this because I have always been a top performer. I was a top performer until I now and I am doing the work of at least 2 other FTEs. Before the layoff I also was given half of a position when someone left but I was handling it fine, so I consider that part of my original 1.0 FTE.
Secondly, I had an interview for a good position two weeks ago, it would have been the first in-person for this job after two phone screenings. I had to cancel because my work got too busy that day. Today I have a Skype interview at 2 I was planning to do from home (I work from home) but now its looking like I need to be in the office for a meeting at 1. I need to attend this meeting, I really am interested in the new position even though it isn’t something I’ve ever done before and it is not necessarily a promotion but I’m feeling like I need out now.
I’ve posted about this before, this is the company that is failing and I’m concerned about my paychecks clearing.
Anonymous
You need to stop. Tell work no. “Can’t make it”. Do not cancel other interviews.
Anonymous
Tell them there’s a conflict and they need to reschedule their meeting, either after your interview at way earlier.
Idea
Interesting.
I am currently searching for a new position because I am *not* drowning at work…
Calico
I would also be upset. But from what you’ve written here, it sounds like when he initially brought up the hobby weekend you showed him your disappointment with a look, but did not actually say aloud, “That’s my birthday. I’d prefer you stay and we do something to celebrate.” I know exactly what you mean about playing the cool girl and it’s led to a lot of disappointment for me. It sucks to have to spell things out to DH that feel like something he should just “get,” but in my book that’s preferable to no communication and hurt feelings.
Calico
Meant to be a reply to Birthday Frustration
c
I want the sparkly Kate Spade activity tracker! I never wanted this stuff when I was in the appropriate age demographic, but now I’m like a little racoon, after sparkly shiny things!
Wildkitten
I wish it was also a watch.
Ellen
Just want to add a PSA that this dress comes with a matching Jacket (might only be on the UK side of the website) and the dress/jacket convo is a re-release of an ensemble the Duchess of Cambridge wore on one of her earlier royal engagements in Leischter (spelling) back in 2012. I just bought the dress and the matching jacket and it is truly beautiful.
Sloan Sabbith
FYI: there’s a poster with your same name who frequents here and she is not loved. May want to consider a different username.
Kathleen
Hi All,
This dress caught my eye in the store (new gorgeous one in lower Manhattan in the new Oculus transit hub). It’s a very pretty dark teal. The only downside is that it’s quite stretchy and so is its liner, which is why it’s so attractive, but I found it riding up and bunching in unflattering ways. If all you had to do was stand up, like at a cocktail party, this would be perfect, but I don’t know how it’d be to wear to work all day.
Just my (on topic ;) two cents.