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Coffee Break: Audrey Tote Bag

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lodis tote bags for workLodis Los Angeles bags are always reader favorites — they're functional but fashionable, with a ton of intelligent features like RFID technology and tons of pockets. This bag comes in four colors (looove the navy/orchid combo pictured here, which is new to me) and also offers a padded laptop compartment. It's Audrey Under Lock & Key – Zola RFID Leather Tote This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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199 Comments

  1. What do you wear on first dates? I always feel like I tried too hard. Jeans and a top? A dress? Do you wear heels?

    1. Going on one tonight! I either wear a cute work dress and heels (doesn’t matter if too fancy, obvi I came straight from work) or I change into jeans and a cute top. I tend to save my fun heels and cutest attire for a second date. And I always shave my legs even if I’m wearing jeans and def not taking him home because somehow it puts me in a flirty mind set.

    2. My first dates are always on weekdays after work (I don’t want to commit a weekend to it) so I wear whatever I wore to work that day, usually with flats instead of heels because I’m tired of putting in too much effort on a first date. If I’m wearing jeans, I’ll wear heels but I’m rarely in jeans on a first date.

      1. I schedule dates right after work on purpose, so that I can plan my outfit, wear a dress and look put together without my date thinking I’m “trying too hard.” As a bonus, my work dresses are more conservative than my casual dresses, which I’m fine with for a first date.

    3. If it’s straight from work, obv whatever I wore to work, but if I have time to go home and change, skinny jeans, a flowy top, and flats. (Flats IMO are key because they say “I’m chill” and no sweat if the guy’s not tall.)

    4. I think it depends on what the date is. Nice dinner out? Simple dress with fun jewelry (wearing favorite pieces gives me confidence). Coffee? Jeans and cute top. I like to do dressier sleeveless tops with a jacket/cardigan so I can ditch the outer layer if coffee becomes drinks or dinner. Jeans will probably be with pointy-toed flats because that’s just what I wear with jeans- heels hurt my feet too much.

    5. I have a first tonight, and I’m wearing my work clothes: cute dress with a blazer. I’ll likely remove the blazer. Its dinner at 6, so its not like I have time to change. Have fun!

  2. What is the most quaint place you’ve been to? I want to vacation somewhere charming and I’m not sure where – the Cotswolds? Bruges? Switzerland? Not even sure what I want to do, other than relax and wander around and be delighted.

    1. That could be anywhere. I felt like this in NYC during the Dinkins years. Maybe I am easy to please?

      1. +1 to both of these.

        Also Colmar, France, Gruyeres, Switzerland, and (if you’re open to more of a city) Basel, Switzerland.

        I was just in Bruges last month (on a day trip from Paris) and it was absolutely overrun with tourists – the town itself is GORGEOUS, but it was packed out like a Black Friday sale. Definitely ruined most of the “quaint” factor.

      1. Ireland is a great choice, I think. The west coast is lovely. You could include Galway, the Aran Islands, Dingle or even Sligo.

    5. The Alps – Swiss Alps are my favorite, but French, Italian, Austrian are all pretty nice too.

    7. I am not sure this is the most quaint, but I just had an amazingly relaxing girls weekend in Nantucket–wandering around sightseeing, visiting beaches (briefly–it was cold) and drinking wine and eating seafood. It was lovely and close to the US, but felt faraway.

      Other places I’ve loved – Upper Valley, NH/VT (so Hanover, Queechee, Woodstock), Anderson Valley/Philo/Boonville (Mendocino, CA), any of the Mendocino Beaches, pretty much any mountain town, but especially Crested Butte which is still quaint and Old-West adorable, Northern Spain (Oviedo/Gijon/Asturias), Northern Portugal (Braganca), French countryside, Kreuzberg/Bodensee lakes area of Southern Germany, Lake Como (Italy), roadtripping Ireland, Vilnius, Lithuania (not rural, but charming!), Krakow (not rural, but charming), Czesky Krumlov, Bohemia (Czech Republic), roadtripping Norway.

      1. But you’ve been to so many amazing places! Jealous :) This whole thread is making me wish I had so much more vacation time! I’m not the OP, but thanks for the suggestions, everyone.

    8. We just got back from central Europe (Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Budapest) and we loved it. Budapest was possibly my favorite city ever. SO FAB!

    9. Don’t know if you’ll see this, but:
      – Fogo Island, Newfoundland, Canada
      – Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
      – Provincetown, Cape Cod
      – Jerome, Arizona (not far from Sedona, which I consider beautiful but not quaint at all)
      – Mont St. Michel, France
      – Cesky Krumlov, Czech Republic (2 hours from Prague)
      – Ljubljana, Slovenia

    10. I loved all of these:
      -Bruges, but I haven’t been in over a decade, so I’m bummed to see the comment that it’s overrun by tourists.
      -French Alps–Annecy and Chamonix were charming in the summer, especially because I went during the famous heat wave of 2003 and it was 100+ degree F in Paris.
      -San Sebastian and Biarritz
      -Cinque Terre, although that’s more hiking than wandering
      -Scottish Highlands
      -smaller towns in Ireland, especially Howth

    11. Seconding Quebec City. Tallinn, Estonia is another very quaint, walled city.

      Venice and Hoi An are both former major ports that are now tourist destinations, so they strike me as quaint in similar ways.

      1. Was just going to comment with the same recommendation. Also Lugano and Interlaken.

    13. The Yorkshire Dales, the (I’ve only been to Austrian) Alps, many hilly parts of Greece . . .

    15. Ubud in Bali, Indonesia
      Cute shops, great food, culture and religious stuff everywhere but not in a bad way, monkeys

  3. I have been using a sitter (a teacher looking for extra $) to help out when I need to work late / go to meetings / go to the gym if I dont’t have anything planned. It is easy to have her, say, come on Wednesdays.

    Lately, this has caused some drama, but not as I expected.

    H works more 8-6 and is then done. If I am at home working, working from home, or just there, I often have to leave work before my work is done and then make it up at night working remotely. BUT he can relax, walk around the house in PJs, go to sleep, etc.

    He feels uncomfortable doing this if the sitter is there. Plus, the sitter costs $. Unhappy for two reasons.

    OMFG

    This is the cost of my sanity and I may still lose it.

    1. If he is there chillin in his pjs why do you need a sitter. Can’t he just be the dad while he’s home?

      1. Yes, this makes no sense. If he reliably comes home at 6pm, you do not need a sitter after 6pm. Full stop. I understand if it’s a rare evening that he’s home early or skips a scheduled event and you want to keep her/pay her so you don’t lose her, in which case, I think you just let her know he’s home but “off duty” as a parent.

      2. This. I am totally confused by this scenario. If he is home hanging out in his pyjamas when the sitter is there, why on earth do you need a sitter?

    5. So the example that started this:

      sitter gets the kids and takes them to a ballet class
      he gets home when they are gone (he gets home to late to take them, doesn’t want to take them, doesn’t think ballet is important, etc.)
      BUT he can’t just be a bro hanging out at home b/c they will be coming back at some point

      I say: go to the gym after work (you complain about not being able to spontaneously go, you complain about your weight, you say you need to take care of yourself b/c you are a minute away from having a heart attack, etc.). But he is tired after work (so am I, bro, so am I; but if I can drag myself to a gym, a weak workout is better than none ESPECIALLY if I don’t have to worry about child care). Go on an effing walk. Just don’t give me lip about creating a “problem” for you b/c of how I solved my work/parent/life balance issues.

      1. Is he always useless? Cause this seems pretty easy. “Yeah it is annoying. Do you have another solution? No? Oh well!”

      2. I … don’t get it. Can sitter not just drop them off at ballet and he can pick them up?

        1. For sitters, I don’t think you could get some just to run a run way taxi service. I find that I can easily get a sitter for 2-3 hours, but not for just one hour. So if you pay anyway and your kids are smaller, you might as well pay for someone to stay the whole time.

      3. OMG – he needs to get over himself.

        When they come back he talks to sitter for two minutes when she drops them off. His life is not oppressed if he has to wear pants. He should be embarrassed that he complained about this. I would totally tease DH about this if he tried to complain about something like this.

      4. Why can’t the sitter leave after she returns home with the kids, and then your husband takes care of the kids?

        1. This. This is the most logical answer. He either picks up kids from ballet and the nanny is dismissed when she drops them off there (Venmo etc. make these arrangements totally doable) and he picks them up from ballet. OR Nanny brings kids home from ballet and is then dismissed because HUSBAND IS HOME IN HIS PJS.

      5. Tell him pjs aren’t the issue and what he really needs are some big boy pants. He can join in taking care of the kids or he can accept that you’ll need outside help. Either way he’ll be wearing big kid pants until 8pm instead of changing into pjs at 6:05. I suggest using these exact terms when discussing with him because he sounds like a whiny baby and you don’t have time for this.

      6. You created a solution that works for you and causes incredibly minor impact to him (oh noes, he can’t wear PJ pants because…whatever).

        Invite him to be a part of the solution, otherwise he’s just another problem for you to manage and you don’t need that right now. It sounds like he wants everything just so for him when he gets home so HE can relax and HE can be chill…which is causing you to be even more stressed and flustered because of a huge kerfuffle being made over a minor issue.

        The sitter costs money? The cost of you having to make up your hours at night costs more, although not monetarily. It kinda sounds like he’s just noped out of the whole “handle the kids” situation and has dumped it in your lap to not only navigate the best way for the child to go to ballet or whatever but ALSO accommodate his ridiculously minor issues with the whole situation.

        It doesn’t have to be a Come To God™ meeting but it sounds like it might turn into one. I wish you luck; these are never easy. :(

      7. I had a similar situation with cleaning services. All the grumbling until one day, I had a flash of brilliance: “You know, cleaning the house is something I’ve crossed off my list while working fulltime. But, I am happy to pay you to do it, if you’d like. The first Wednesday night that you completely clean the house, I will pay you and cancel the service.” That was 20 years ago and he has not one time cleaned the house. Now, he likes to ask me if they’ve been there. “Oh wait, yes, they folded the toilet paper into a triangle. It’s the only way I can tell.” I completely ignore that.
        In your situation, I might say: “Hmmm. I need this for my sanity but feel free to dismiss the sitter if she’s cramping your style. I’ll leave cash or a check just in case. Or I’m happy to pay her when I get home if you’d like the help while I’m out.”
        I will say that my husband kept our toddler one tax season on Saturdays. The next year we had the nanny come on Saturdays during tax season. Then I transitioned out of tax prep. He works alot, too, and it was just too much.

      8. I agree with others, but also… why can’t sitter see him in PJ’s/lounge clothes? I don’t really get what the issue is unless he just wants to be able to walk around in boxers.

      9. It makes me sad that he doesn’t want to take the kids to ballet/expresses that ballet isn’t important. I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him to start acting like A Dad already!

    6. I know a doctor who has post-call childcare with a nanny in her house (so nanny comes and the friend sleeps b/c she has been up all night sometimes). She got over the weirdness in order to function.

      1. Yes, I had this too. My cleaning lady came and during that time I took a nap because I hadn’t been sleeping much M-F. felt awkward, but I really needed to sleep so there was that.

        Also wanted to chime in to add that 1. your husband isn’t alone in behaving this way. SO many men are like this. they don’t like outside help but won’t do it themselves. TOO BAD. I’ve taught my S.O. that my cleaning lady is necessary and sometimes he just has to wear pants. price of admission. 2. there is a whole netflix kdrama about working woman challenges (“Listen to Love”) if you’re looking for something to watch.

        1. This scenario kind of reminds me of the commenter last week (?) who said that her husband freaks out about the cost of food when he grocery shops and then refuses to buy needed items. I’m angry on both OPs’ behalves because these guys are complaining about a perceived problem and then doing NOTHING to fix it – just expecting their partners to handle it.

        2. Yep. I have friends who won’t hire housekeepers because their husbands “don’t like the idea.” My husband didn’t like the idea either and I didn’t give a f. If don’t want someone besides me to clean the house, then YOU clean the house. You don’t get to decide that the house can only be cleaned by me because you don’t want to do it but you also don’t want anyone else to do it. F that. P.S., we are now 13 years into having a housekeeper and he doesn’t complain about her being here or the expense. Once she started cleaning our house he realized what an amazing thing it is, and dropped his objections.

          OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and usually I believe in compromise in marriage but in this case, you need to do what you need to do and ignore him. He will either get over it or he won’t. I doubt he’ll divorce you over this issue so he’s just complaining to complain, and I agree that if he won’t propose, implement, and be a continuing part of a solution, he deserves to get ignored. Good luck.

  4. Do you take yourself on dates? I live in a pretty big city and I’m single. I have a large group of friends but sometimes it just feels like more trouble than its worth. There’s all sorts of shows and cool restaurants I’d love to try but for some reason, I just feel like I can’t go by myself. Which is probably dumb considering I will have dinner at a bar by myself if I’m travelling.

    Thoughts?

    1. All the time. I’m basically the only single person in my group. All my friends are obsessed with their husbands, families, and babies. I love doing stuff on my own (I am an introvert by nature as well, so I don’t mind). Don’t feel self-conscious – nobody around you is paying attention to you. Seriously!

    2. Oh, absolutely. I love eating by myself and I do that often, whether I’m traveling or not. I’m much more likely to go to a show or a museum or whatever by myself now than I used to be. I’m just much more confident with myself as I get older (almost 30).

      1. Going to an art museum by myself is so, so relaxing. It’s truly one of my favorite things to do.

        1. +1 One of my all time favorite days as an adult was the day I spent wandering NYC alone going to a matinee on broadway and perusing MOMA, including lunch in the cafe.

    3. Yes! Self-date night is the best! I take myself on dates even though I have a boyfriend. Here’s what’s great about solo date night:

      – Try new outfits/makeup/hairstyles that you’re not quite ready to wear in front of your friends. Solo date = no one knows your normal self – you can have an entire alter ego!
      – See dumb movies no one else will see with you; laugh a lot without having to side-eye the person you dragged there to see if they’re laughing too.
      – Go to trendy restaurants, contemplate how glamorous and mysterious you probably are to the people around you. People watch.
      – Become more interesting to your friends and loved ones by having experiences they haven’t had.

      Basically, the key to the self-date is to treat it like a real date in some ways. Get dressed up, feel good about yourself, do something a little special! The last thing I would say is that restaurants tend to be the hardest self-dates – that’s like an advanced level because it’s easy to get bored. Shows, movies, art galleries, performances, museums, special events/exhibits – all are great places to go solo and have a great time.

      1. +1 to movies! There’s one of those fancy gourmet food served at your seat movie theaters not too far from me and it’s my favorite place to take myself on a date. Nobody cares if you’re alone in a movie theater (they probably don’t care anyway, but it’s easier to convince yourself of that when you can’t see anyone else) and I see it as a better version of a solo night on the couch watching netflix with takeout. Definitely the best way to dip your toe in the water of a self-date!

    4. Thank you all! I’m buying tickets to the show I’ve been considering and may stop by this cute new bar next week.

      My friends and family seem to think it’s weird but I was wandering around on a sunny Sunday a few weeks ago and stopped at this adorable place for a glass of wine and honestly loved it so much. I’ve been thinking about doing it more often but just needed some encouragement!

      1. Don’t discuss it with them. And don’t call it a “self date.” That term makes people feel like you’re lonely or something, why can’t it be — I was in x part of town and saw a cute bar and stopped in?

        1. Yup. I go out and do things alone all the time. It’s calling living my life. Dating myself feels weird and cutesy and off. I’m not on a date with myself at a bar I’m just having a drink.

        2. I guess I like the idea that it’s different from what I normally do. Like I’ll totally go explore a new neighborhood or go shopping on my own all the time but buying expensive tickets for something on my own seems like a bit of a bigger deal than that?

          Anyways, thanks for all the responses – I’m looking forward to doing more things on my own.

      2. It’s not weird at all. I don’t all it a date — I just do stuff I want to do.

    5. When I worked from home as a transcriptionist, about once a month I would make reservations at a medium-level restaurant and take myself to lunch. I’d go to the Metro station, take the Metro into downtown DC, and have lunch followed by a stroll around whatever Smithsonian caught my eye that day.

      Now I’m not working and having a hard time justifying the cost (when I say “mid level”, I mean roughly $60-$60 for just me including tip), so I read a lot, instead. :(

    6. I do this all the time, both when I’m on work travel and when I’m home. I’ll take myself out to dinner or a drink somewhere or go to a show or see a play or go explore a new neighborhood or go shopping or go to a talk or whatever. I’m married but there are times when he’s working late or on work travel and I could be doing something with friends but either it’s last minute and no one’s free or I just happen to feel like rolling solo. I would highly encourage you to go for it!

    7. I love taking myself out! Sitting at a bar by myself is such a treat. When I’m traveling I like to sit at the bar in a restaurant and get some kinda food and a local beer and watch the people who are there. And after therapy I always take myself out to a dessert place in town — huh typing this makes me realize I never see anyone else there alone, but whatever. At first it was to reward myself for working through The Hard Stuff but now it’s mostly just to re-ground myself and write in my journal and eat something awesome.

      Go for it!

    9. I would take myself anywhere I liked to eat lunch, see a movie, see a show, etc. But I’d never think to call it a date with myself.

    10. I go do things by myself but don’t consider them dates. Sometimes I want to see a movie husband doesn’t want to see, or try a restaurant, so I just go. One year for my birthday husband got the flu so I took myself out to dinner, sat at the bar, had a fancy drink etc, and it was actually so much more relaxing than going with sad sick husband, I was pretty pleased with myself (he offered to grit it out and come with me but I let him stay home).

  5. I feel like my personality is getting more combative, and I’m not sure I like it. I am early in my career and recently left an office where people were quick to let vendors know that they were displeased with deliverables/generally had short tempers, and I can feel myself changing in a way I don’t like. I have always been sort of a doormat and can’t tell if I am finally standing up for myself or am becoming unpleasant to deal with. Has anyone felt similarly?

    1. Ha! Welcome to the working world. This is normal, you’ll just have to monitor the volume / your audience on the backtalk. The reality is that we have to learn to stand up for ourselves or be someone’s b*tch forever. It is good that you are finding your voice.

    2. If you’re not used to standing up for yourself, it can feel like you are being more combative. Would you say you’re feeling more assertive, or more aggressive? You can get what you want, say “no”, and deal with people who are annoying you without being angry or combative.

      One way to tell if you’re being unreasonable is to flip the script – ask yourself after a situation if you were OtherPerson, would you feel that you (E) were being unreasonable / rude / mean / testy in your interaction?

      If the answer is no, then yay! You’re standing up for yourself!

      If the answer is yes, then maybe look at different ways to handle annoyances and irritations that don’t make you feel like you’re being too mean.

    3. Oh yes, absolutely–I felt this way in the early years of my career too! I had to kill the people-pleaser within in order to preserve my sanity because I got so tired of getting home and steaming over someone treating me badly and feeling as though I could do nothing about it. It turns out that I could, and developing the ability to professionally and politely (or not-so-politely) check someone was critical to my own growth. As soon as I became more comfortable with it, I think my body language changed too, because I had less of a “please be nice to me” vibe going on.

      Honestly, it stemmed from a quote I read from Helen Mirren where she said something like, “I wish I had told more people to f*** off when I was younger.” Thank you Helen (on the off-chance you’re reading.) :)

    4. Yes, I felt that. You might be experiencing a mix. On one hand, learning not to be a doormat, which is good and necessary. On the other hand, learning it from people with short tempers and angry approaches.

      I didn’t know much about standing up for myself, so when I did it, I swung over too far into doing it with unnecessary force, because I only had two settings: doormat or angry. I needed how to learn to be kind AND firm. Sure, the business world is often angry and harsh, but that’s not the kind of person I want to become.

      Just recognize that if you’ve always been a doormat, you’re going to need role models — you’re probably not going to be able, at first, to tell the difference between standing up in a way that is merely strong versus standing up in a way that is harsh or angry.

  6. I’m not broadcasting this news in real life just yet (aside from immediate family), but I’m just dying to tell everyone so I figure I can share here…I got engaged last night! We had been planning and discussing marriage for the last few months, but my fiance (!!!!) still managed to surprise me. I’m still in shock. I’m at work but my concentration is shot for the day, haha. I’m on cloud nine. It almost doesn’t feel real!

  7. Talk me down.

    I’m 33. I had my annual obgyn appointment this week, and my doctor found a small cyst in my br*ast. I’ve been tested for BRCA 1 and 2 (family history of ovarian cancer) and it was negative. She said she could do some calculations based on medical history to see what my odds were of ever developing breast cancer, and came back with 17%. She said to let her know if the cyst isn’t gone in a month, that it’s probably nothing, that it’s very common, and that they usually go away on their own. But I’ve never noticed a cyst before and I’m not exactly 100% calm.

    Is this really that common? Have people had these and they have gone away?

    1. I have known quite a few people who’ve had benign cysts there. I’m sure yours is too!

    3. I’ve had several, they’re super common. I know lump in the breast is scary but odds really are overwhelming this is nothing.

    6. It’s super common. Just keep monitoring it. I had one that disappeared. You can ask about a lumpectomy if you want to cover your bases.

    7. Probability of developing BC in your 30s is essentially nil, but 30-40 is the peak time frame for developing non-cancerous changes like cysts and fibrocystic disease. Breast cysts are common, completely non-dangerous and completely fine to just leave in place. BTW they tend to swell and shrink with your cycle so if it grows a little don’t worry. If it grows a lot, or changes in any way, go back to your DR. Lifetime risk of developing breast cancer is about 12.5%, so you’re only slightly above background.

      PSA for all: the WISDOM trial is currently enrolling- it’s a study on using your medical history/genome to design for your specific level of risk how much mammography and other breast cancer screening you’d need. Anyone can enroll and it’ll help improve screening and treatment for future women.

    8. I’ve had two cysts in 25 years and both resolved on their own but probably in 2-3 months not one. If your doc is telling you to watch-n-wait (which is what mine said both times) it’s best to wait. I know – I’m the poster child for hating to wait and being nervous so I know how hard it is to wait.

      My brother, an MD, calmed my fears by saying “Once a medical student has felt true brst cancer, non-cancerous cysts/tumors are pretty obviously not cancerous to the doc and therefore you should feel ok about waiting.”

    9. Hi, my friend. I am just catching up on today’s posts, but I am 34 now and had a cyst in my breast about 3 years ago. I always knew I had dense breasts, but I went ahead with the biopsy just to be safe. It’s not particularly painful and it’s worth the peace of mind. (And, crap. I need to go for another checkup soon.)

      1. Also, it may not disappear. But I really think a biopsy is the way to go. No scarring.

  8. Has anyone ever bought the Charter Club Damask 550 Thread Count 100% Supima Cotton sheet set from Macy’s? Reviews?

    Alternatively. I’m looking for a sheet set for less than $150. It needs to be deep pocket, king-sized, and good for summer. Thanks!

    1. I just got Tommy Bahama king size sheets at TJ Maxx or Homegoods. Very soft and light, simple white, love them. I think around $100, maybe even less. I’ve also had good luck with the Shabby Chic white sheets at Target but this was a few years ago so cannot comment on quality now.

    2. If you want good for summer, I recommend percale. Percale is crispy and sleeps cool, and is much cooler than high-thread count sheets. I recommend the Target Threshold Percale sheets. They should be under $50 King. They are deep pocket (and have really nice corners that go under the mattress). Highly recommend. These have been my warm weather sheets for years.

    3. Yes, have used these kind of sheets for 10 years or so, really love the feel, soft but with a nice weight to it. (not the same set, they wear out after maybe 5-7 years of regular use).

    4. Our Macy’s sheets are our favorite sheets. They don’t pop off the corners and are crisp and cool while still feeling silky.

  9. Atrocious wallpaper- rip out or paint over? Looking at houses and many otherwise viable options have really dated wallpaper in bold patterns and colors, especially in bathrooms and kitchens. How much of a pain am I looking at to rip out the wallpaper, especially in an area with a lot of nooks and crannies? Is painting over it the better option even if paint will take a million coats to cover? I’ve painted rooms before, but never had to deal with something like this and want to know what I’d be getting myself into so I can factor it into my home-buying decision.

    1. Paint over for sure. It won’t be too many coats – get an expert! Not a biggie at all!

    2. Please do NOT paint over…it is hideous mess if you ever want to take out the wallpaper. I had to pull off painted over wallpaper and now have permanent tendonitis in my wrists…

      1. I don’t get this – why would you ever need to do this? They just put texture over it and paint. Then you want a new color, repaint it.

        1. FWIW the original homeowners painted over the grasscloth wallpaper. When we moved it I was stuck with it. Ugly mess. Cannot texture over it … just adds to the mess. We simply had to remove it. Ditto for when they had woven/upholstery-like wallpaper from the 80s glued to mahogany paneling, floor to ceiling, 10 feet high. We had no idea we had mahogany underneath when we bought. But the wallpaper would not come off completely. So left with horrible stuff on the wall. Ended up removing as much as we could and putting new paneling on top.

          It’s not like the flipping tv shows. Entombing what you don’t like leaves a mess later on.

          hence my name … ten years later

    4. How much of a pain is it to rip out, if painting over is a terrible idea? Should I budget for hiring someone to do it, or is it an accomplishable weekend project?

      1. For one room, I’d DIY. I found it soothing.

        If you are short on time, did *not* like peeling glue off your fingers as a kid, or afraid of a small (clean able) mess, you may want to skip it. I did our dining room which was double layered and took some scraping to get off- it took a few evenings after work but a little podcast and wine and it was done.

        I did 2 bedrooms too…by that point I was pretty over it. But the first room I thought was kinda fun and my preschooler helped out too (peeled big strips at her height).

        1. Oh and I am not a DIYer by nature. Someone wanted $500 though and I decided to try it first and spend that on wine and pedicures instead.

      2. It really depends on the wallpaper. The previous owners of our house were wallpaper crazy. I took down wallpaper in every room of our 1100-square-foot house, often multiple layers on the same wall. Almost all the wallpaper in our house was extremely easy to remove with a wallpaper steamer. The soffit over the sink had a very old layer of wallpaper (under 4 other layers) that never totally came off–it just sorta flaked–but it was so thin that we probably could have painted over that. We ended up renovating the kitchen and tearing out the soffit.

    6. Depends on how much DIY knowledge or money you have to outsource. For a cheap fast fix, paint over it. For something more polished, rip it out, sand/buff, etc.

      1. This. I’m picturing some of the changes at our house over time on walls that had paper and those without–pop ups where professional painter long ago used tape, peels in paper, water damage. I’d vote for rip it down. I think it will look nicer in the long run. Also, the removal process can vary in difficulty. You may be surprised to find it’s much easier than you think.

      2. This. The people in my last house painted over some in the kitchen. Some bumped a chair against the wall getting up from the table and instead of scuffing the paint, it created a bubble in the wallpaper underneath. Nothing we did could fix it and we ended up having to have it professionally removed.

    8. I painted over it once and was not happy with the result. I’d rip out.

    9. I’d rip out, and I’d budget in paying a pro to do this. One of my friends bought a million dollar house, and her engineer husband did it. Their walls are all sorts of lumpy and bumpy and it makes their otherwise super-lovely house look dumpy and old inside. It’s hideous. Do this right. Walls are more visible than you think.

      1. I removed wallpaper myself and then hired a professional to skim the walls and paint. A darker paint color and flatter finish also help hide uneven walls.

  10. Who wants to help me shop for a clutch/minaudiere for a formal event? Prefer Amazon. Dress is white and black. I’m cheaping out on some old shoes and got an amazing deal on the dress so I kind of what something that feels special. Something that stands out and is modern would be great. I have a plain black slim bag but would love a new clutch.

  11. Anniversary gift ideas? It’s 5th anniversary and the traditional gift is wood. I’d like to incorporate that but can get really flexible as I only have about a week, whoops. DH likes grilling out… does not like picture frames or trinkets. Please help me!

    1. Wood planks for grilling fish, new piece of furniture, wooden box for dresser

    3. There are these wood scrapers for the grill to clean it – supposed to be better than the wire bristley thing that (theoretically?) can get stuck in food. I read a consumer reports article + baby anxiety lead me to buy them to try – so no review yet, but an idea. Costco had a 2-pack I picked up. Also, if he likes grilling out, wood chips + smoker? Or fire pit + firewood? I gave my FIL a box of LL Bean fatwood for his wood-burning fireplace one year.

    4. A whiskey barrel! You can age all sorts of alcohol in them, and it really does make the flavor much better!

      1. Where do you find these??? I have been looking all over, but are somehow ridiculously expensive…
        Would love to use these to ferment my homebrew cider :)

        1. Craigslist. But that may be geography dependent. I live in the Midwest and people find them in barns/cellars/garages occasionally and throw them on Craigslist.

    5. Shwood sunglasses – originally all wood but their acetone ones have a strip of wood in the arm to honor the originals. They are my favorite sport sunglasses.

  12. Do you think there is some connection between depression and the way we live or do you see it as purely medical/chemical? Meaning – fewer people seeing extended families on the regular; less likely to know/hang out with neighbors; more transient – less likely to have the same neighbors for a lifetime; less interest in making friends – maybe this is just me but I’ve run into many 30 somethings in DC who’ll actually say — I have all the friends I need, I don’t need to know my coworkers/kids friends parents/whoever; or I have a husband/kids and they’re more important than friends (of course they are but I think adults who aren’t related to you add something to your life too). Thoughts?

    1. I think it can be both and either. Just depends on the person and their struggles. Personally, I’m better off not seeing extended family that often but am close with friends and neighbors. I still have depression that is treated with medication. DC is a tough area and people move a lot but there are some pockets of people who are here for the long haul.

      1. Dc also tends to be a bit – what’s your job, where did you go to school, what can you do for me. People have that happen to them so much, they stop trying and say – I don’t need friends.

        1. Very true. So many parties are just networking opportunities. I’m in the ‘burbs so it’s a little different. I make a point to NOT ask “what do you do” and comment on literally anything else. It’s a good way to tell what the other person really cares about.

    2. Seeing my extended family less definitely contributes to rather than detracts from my happiness.

    3. Maybe I’m totally off but south Asian born and raised in the US and I’ve always thought the Asian definition of “friend” differed a lot from the American definition. I feel like “friend” is a really high bar here – I have to have known you since K; been in your wedding; vacationed with you when we were single; beach house rentals with our families etc. So of course very few people get to that level and if you’re not at that level – you’re not invited to anyone’s home, christmas parties etc.

      In the Indian community esp my parents gen — anyone they worked with, lived near etc who was Indian was a friend. Not saying you shared your secrets or felt equally close to everyone but what we now viewed as acquaintances, they viewed as friends. There’s a reason south Asian dinner parties involve 50 guests and weddings have 500 guests — you don’t leave anyone out, you don’t want them to feel bad. And over time these loose connections tighten. And while it’s probably just an immigrant community clinging to itself esp when they came in the 70s, but I see it even more strongly back in the old country — where there’s no need for Indians to cling to Indians. I’m not saying it’s perfect, believe me there are annoying people up in your business — but I do think there is something positive about being included, not feeling alone. -Signed a lonely Indian who is everyone American person’s acquaintance or coworker but rarely considered a friend who is invited anyplace.

      1. I would love to have Indian friends! I feel like the ones I see in my neighborhood are more insular.

        I think there is something to this but community is who you choose really. For the first time we live in a neighborhood where it seems like we know everyone, but the bad part of that is we’re all the same demographic.

    4. Obviously there are, and have always been, environmental factors as well as physiological factors that contribute to depression. Just like any other illness.

      Also, D.C. is way more transient than most other places so I don’t think it’s an accurate representation of the world at large in this case.

    5. I’m 48 and have watched these patterns in both men and women over the last 20 years. I chalk it up to physical inactivity. I honestly cannot think of a single person who suffers from depression who exercises regularly, as in breaks a sweat, really gets the heart beating exercise.

      2. Oh hey. I run 3 times a week, do yoga twice week, and usually add another day of cross-training. Guess what? I still have to take medication for depression!

        Are we really pulling out this old trope? Yes, exercise is one tool for helping me keep depression/anxiety at bay. But guess what? It’s exactly ONE TOOL. I still need others, including pharmaceutical help.

      4. You are wrong. I exercise regularly and still have depression that requires medication. It is not uncommon.

      5. Count me as another person. And I drove myself crazy for a while thinking that if I just exercised more, ate cleaner, avoided alcohol, meditated more, took holistic supplements, etc, etc, my mind would magically heal itself. It didn’t. I thank the Lord every day for better living through pharmaceuticals.

        I also just discovered earlier this week that my gg-grandfather died in a mental institution in 1937…so there’s that.

      6. My coworkers with depression are very active (a hiker, a daily runner). Depression drains away people’s energy, so I wonder if you know some people who are treatment resistant and struggling to exercise as a result of depression (rather than as a lifestyle choice that caused it).

      7. Actually, if there’s one surefire trigger for me to end up in a depression it’s running a marathon, to the point that I don’t train for that distance anymore, because of how I feel (mentally) for several weeks/months afterward. It doesn’t have anything to do with how well the race went nor is it the lack of having something to train for afterwards, it’s something else more chemical.

        I do run and I do work out, and for the most part it helps me focus and feel well, but it’s far from a panacea when it comes to mood.

      8. I just finished a 206-mile bike race and I’m training for an Ironman, and I have depression. Because it’s a disease that isn’t caused by not exercising.

        Exercise helps, but it’s a treatment – not a cure – for this chronic illness.

      9. Ha, no. One of my best friends exercises all the time- 5ks, barre classes, kickboxing, weight lifting, walking her pup. Has anxiety and depression (and incredible legs). They are fairly well managed at this point, but definitely still present and prone to flareups.

        My mom swims every single morning and still experiences depression (again, managed).

        You’re… just plain old wrong. Haven’t you come here and posted this baloney before? Can we not have you turn this into a pointless debate again? I’d rather listen to actual professionals than someone whose perspective on this matter is informed by being 48 and the rigorous scientific method of “chalking it up.”

      10. This IS silly! And I’m one of those people for whom working out is an important part of my staying-sane(ish) routine! When you’re seriously depressed it *can* be impossibly hard to get up and exercise, but it doesn’t follow from that that if only people like me got off their @sses, we wouldn’t be depressed.

      11. Plenty of blue-collar workers who do manual labor and work up a sweat in their day get depression – why do you think there is an opioid crisis in small town America? I agree exercise is a good thing in general to stay mentally and physically healthy, but please don’t blame the actual chemical disease of depression on people who don’t make it to spin class.

    6. These are all just opinions, but yes, I think lifestyle plays a part. There are appear to be communities on earth with genuinely low (not just under reported) rates of depression. I’ve usually seen this explained in terms of balanced lifestyles with lots of social engagement (which I assume contributes to a sense of security), time-tested diets, steady levels of physical activity, and enough sleep. There are decades of contemporary commentaries on the perceived effects of industrialization and modern urban living on sanity (and a crop of new buzz words to describe feelings like “alienation,” etc.). (Think of yesterday’s discussion of cash gifts at weddings, and how a tradition with origins in generalized reciprocity has come to feel merely transactional.)

      I’ve also seen vulnerable people scapegoated and gaslit into believing that they and their mental health are the problem, when their unhappiness really stems from being treated poorly in genuinely and acutely difficult situations. My psychiatrist believes this is very common and distinguishes it from organic mental illness (so she doesn’t believe her medications are restoring these people to health; instead they are lending people a superhuman capacity to endure their circumstances). Maybe that’s what we’re doing for a lot people who are unhappy in society in general; I don’t know.

      Obviously some people also have the mental illness we call depression, which hopefully research in neurology and genetics will help us understand better. And a lot of people diagnosed with depression will later discover that a reason psychiatry wasn’t really helping is that they actually have a medical condition that psychiatric meds can’t treat. While stress is still a trigger, I don’t believe these cases are as situational.

    7. I think this is over romanticizing the past. You said: ” fewer people seeing extended families on the regular; less likely to know/hang out with neighbors; more transient.”

      Our ancestors who came here through Ellis Island (or wherever/whatever) said goodbye to their extended families and NEVER SAW THEM AGAIN. Or they got here, and had a feud with Uncle Irving and Cousin Sally and never saw them again, and the only way they ever reconnected was when their great-grandchildren did DNA testing and found one another. I think you’re pining for a time that never existed. You should read Stephanie Coontz’ “The Way We Never Were” – it will disabuse you of the notion that there was some Golden Time in American history.

  13. TW – SA/abuse

    Writing here since I don’t really have a place to talk about this IRL. An ex of mine (the last time I saw him was about 4 years ago) dated on & off for a few years (early-mid 20s). He was abusive in every way possible. He was controlling and he alienated me from my friends and family. We split up when he left for another woman (b/c I wasn’t brave enough to leave). That was the best thing to have happened to me.

    I just found out he’s getting involved in some organizations in my town (he doesn’t live here) that I am somewhat involved in. I’m engaged, and I think he is, too. He’s gotten a semi-powerful job and everyone has been saying good things about him & he’s started to pop up in group photos with professional & personal friends and I’ve started to have near panic attacks/trouble sleeping/etc. I don’t want to go to anything for fear that he would be there. My rational brain says that he has more things to be worried about than me (more to lose) but also I thought that I’d never have to see him. Ever, so a lot of unprocessed things are bubbling to the surface. I’m not in a place (and may never be) where I would speak about this openly, but the idea of him being put on boards and generally through as a “good person” make me sick. I have a much more profound, deeper respect for the #MeToo movement than ever before, even as a SA survivor – I’ve never come this close to having to deal with this person before, especially now I’m in a healthy relationship, have friends & everything I wasn’t “allowed” .

    I have a therapist appointment scheduled and am doing self-care but just wanted to share with others.

    1. No advice but you are not alone. I feel like there is a Captain Awkward for these facts. It’s okay to say, We have history and I’d rather not associate with him. <3 hang in there.

    2. Hugs. I’m glad to see you have a therapist appointment scheduled. I know those feelings, and therapy really does help. <3 <3 <3 You've got this!

    3. I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It is very very stressful. Maybe try calling someone that you have confided with in the past, so you can talk it through a little while waiting to see your therapist.

      I’ll be thinking about you. Take care.

  14. So almost 38 and skipped a period for the first time in maybe 20 years. Can’t possibly be pregnant as it’s been months. Is this how menopause starts? As best I know women in my family had periods into mid 40s at least. It’s not like there was any particular stress or anything; iron has been low and I supplemented for 2 months – but was getting periods when it was low?! Do I need to see a gyn or let it be for a month or two? Kind of scared to go to a dr for this.

    1. I’d pee on a stick to reassure myself I wasn’t pregnant, and if not, just wait a few months to see if things re-regulate.

    2. I’m 41. Around 37, my period became unpredictable after a lifetime of 28 day cycles. I don’t think your situation is abnormal. If you’re worried, call your Dr for a chat.

    3. When I was 38 my period was irregular for 3-5 months. I was super unhappy at my job, so I attributed it to stress after the fact. But I hadn’t felt under a lot stress at the time. About 6 months after it evening out again, began TTC for my second, got pregnant first month trying. I’m 42 now. Don’t know if I’m regular or not because have IUD. Point of my story is that it wound up not being the end of my fertility. And I don’t actually know the cause.

      1. +1 Periods got super irregular just as we tried to conceive, when I was 39. I think it was the stress. Kid born two years ago doing fine.

    5. Perimenopause is a thing. My cycles became quite irregular in my early 40s.

      Could be stress, could be something else, I’d get checked if you’re worried about it.

      Don’t avoid going to the doc because you’re scared! If the news is scary it’s way better to know now.

    6. I was regular as a clock for years, and then on a rare occasion skipped a period or had an extended period. At the time, my doctor basically said to wait and see what happens next. If I remember correctly, she said one skipped period wasn’t enough to be able to tell anything from.

      Into my 40s, my periods did shift some. Skipping one happens. Or a week or more late. Or spotting in between. but no health issues, totally normal.

      Bottom line: Far, far too soon to be scared. Ask you doctor.

  15. My SIL went on a semester abroad and then promptly dropped out of college (not HYP but a very good one), moved home, and gained about 100 pounds. I only met her at my wedding shower and once again before getting married recently. Everyone seems to tiptoe around her but my guess is that either something happened that was horrible or she is having mental health issues (or both). DH says he has no idea about anything. I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot but I am going to see my MIL for a lnother family baby shower (a cousin of my husband that I like but don’t know well) and SIL lives with her and I don’t want to say/do the wrong thing.

    1. What is your question? She’s a person. Interact with her politely as you would any other important acquaintance.

    2. Interact nicely. Don’t ask personal questions – ie don’t ask so what happened in Italy or at college?! Talk about movies, sports, weather, summer plans etc

    3. You could be describing my SIL (without the weight gain, which is an odd detail to share). She has mental health issues. In the decade-plus we’ve been related, we’ve had very few conversations about those issues. She’s initiated the few we’ve had We talk about music, movies, and books. We like each other a lot. I’d say you need to back off and stop speculating. Treat her like a person. Don’t make insensitive jokes obvs, but otherwise just been warm and friendly.

    4. I don’t get the “not HYP but a very good one”. I realize there are unsophisticated people who think that there is HYP, and maybe some other good colleges, but normal people understand there are lots of terrific colleges in this country and it’s not like HYP have some magic dust not offered by lots of other places, so the call-out that it wasn’t HYP is very, very weird. Do you come from a culture where HYP is fetishized?

      1. Yeah, the OP comes off as very judg-y in a not nice way. This poor woman is your relative now. Show some empathy. Sometimes it does not even matter what the specifics are. Be kind.

  16. I never really understood the appeal of $1k+ bags (3 figures seems more than adequate, thankyouverymuch!) but I just found out LV makes bags in the color ‘pistache’ and… I’m in love. I don’t know how I could ever justify it :\

    2. See if Jack Georges has anything that appeals to you. JG leather has aged very well for me, so I wouldn’t be able to justify the $1k+ either, if I could find something in the hundreds that I liked!

  17. Question for any doctors/science folks — is blood work significantly affected by your last meal? I know things like blood sugar are, but if I’m trying to get an accurate read on cholesterol and iron, would it be ok to eat a steak the night before or would those values be artificially inflated? This would be dinner about 10-12 hours before the test.

    1. For iron, you’d have to be taking supplements/eating an iron rich diet for a few months to register according to my PCP

      1. I was prescribed iron for 4-6 weeks by a PCP and then a cardiology told me that 4 weeks is really nothing for iron and I should supplement for a few months. So I’m pretty sure one steak isn’t going to boost iron levels so much.

      1. +1

        Iron isn’t affected.

        You usually fast the day you check cholesterol levels. But I would also strongly advise not eating a pint of haagen das ice cream the night before your cholesterol test or you might see crazy high numbers. Ask me how I know.

        And normal meals the day before your cholesterol test, and I recommend stop eating after your dinner the night before.

  18. I have 2 Lodis bags that I bought on eBay; they’re new. One is red leather Audrey Brera Brief with Computer Compartment. The other is the Audrey Berta Bucket Bag, black with red piping. I just don’t like them. Would anyone be interested in buying them from me? I’m thinking $150 for both? We can chat about it offline, but just wondering. Since I got them on eBay I can’t return them. TIA

  19. Does anyone have any tips on getting sheath dresses taken in? I’ve got a bust measurement that’s 1 inch bigger than my hips which is the opposite of most sheath dresses out there (where most size charts list hips 2 inches bigger than busts). I’m a little afraid if I get hips taken in then the dress will make me just look very straight up and down. Is the answer, A-line or fit and flare dresses?

    1. A sheath dress follows the lines of your body. So if your body is straight up and down, that’s what the dress will reflect. A body shape I think is oh-so-great, by the way. I’ve always been jealous of women with slender hips.

      If you want a dress shape that balances out your larger bust, then yes, look for a different cut. Do fit and flare, wrap, trumpet, etc. Or a shift dress– you’d probably look great in one of those.

      1. The shift dress may not be the best option, though… My breast and hip measurements are equal and shift dresses make me look kind-of pregnant. This is probably because they highligh my relatively large bust, but hide the waist and hips. Not that it’s wrong, but I find it unflattering and prefer to have a defined waist. Both sheath and fit & flare/A line do the trick.

  20. Starbucks help! I tried the cold foam cascara cold brew — I was all, “can you just put foam on my cold brew? but not make the coffee itself sweet?” and they said yes and then what I got was like, as sweet as flat coke? So obviously something went wrong.

    But on the morning post people were talking about a way to get it not-too-sweet? Can you help?

    Very important afternoon problems over here.

    1. “Starbucks Cascara Latte combines espresso with steamed milk and cascara syrup, topped with velvety foam. A sprinkle of cascara topping, made with cascara extract and cane sugar, finishes the beverage in a signature straight line, which mirrors the inside of a coffee cherry.”

      Sounds like it starts out sweet and you’d have to ask for less syrup or something.

    2. Cold Foam Cascara Cold Brew: Sweetened Cold Foam is flavored with our Cascara syrup (for subtle notes of dark brown sugar and luscious maple) atop our bold, smooth Nariño 70 Cold Brew, and finished with just a hint of vanilla syrup.

      Syrupy!

    3. If you want it just a little sweet ask for it with “one pump cascara, no vanilla.” At least in a grande size, most people think one pump of the syrup is only very lightly sweetened. If you don’t want it sweet at all you’ll have to say no syrup. Also, I think the person who made your order screwed up if you literally just asked for foam on top of your cold brew.

  21. I think I have Cystic Acne … as per google search.
    I am 35. Never had crazy breakouts like this. I cancelled two invites . I just cannot bring myselves go out and meet others. I don’t want to go to work . The earliest appointment I could get is one month and half months from now. By then I would go crazy.
    No major stress in life. life is just as same as it was in 2016. Why now in my 30s? Just when I started feeling comfortable with my skin and my imperfections.
    Sorry for the vent. Anyone had cystic acne? Was it hard for you to stop obsessing on it ? What helped you? Will the skin be as before ?

    1. Try Curology -it worked for me, but it did take some time. It seemed faster than getting in to see a derm- why are those appts so hard to get?!! For some weird reason my skin went wonky in my mid/late 30’s.

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