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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 186 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Seamed Textured Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Loft Seamed Textured DressLoft has some great sales going on right now — EVERYTHING is 40% off (ends Saturday!) with code Shop40. This highly-rated textured sheath dress looks a bit high-necked for me, but there are worse problems to have (and not everyone has my body type). I like the thick seaming throughout, and while it also comes in black, I'm in love with that teal. I'd wear it with a navy, gray, black, or white blazer, and I think there are a lot of colors that would work as accents with accessories or shoes: purple, orange, sky blue, cobalt, even red. If you are on the bustier side, like me, I'd suggest wearing it with a longer necklace or possibly a brooch or two, to break up the expanse of fabric across your chest. The dress was $89.50, but with the code it comes down to $53; it's available in sizes 00-18 (and petites and talls). Happy Friday! Loft Seamed Textured Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  1. Fireworks

    I’m going on a third date with a guy. We are going to a casual wine bar/restaurant. On the first two dates I wore skinny jeggings with v-neck dressier than t shirt tops, and toeless Air shoes. I am looking to mix it up for the third date while still being casual, comfortable, feminine, and a little on the s*xy side. It is a date after all! Suggestions?

    • Bonnie

      How about a jersey dress? You can keep it casual by wearing flats or flat boots if it’s cold enough where you are.

      • emeralds

        This would be my pick–a nicer dress with casual accessories. In addition to flats and boots, I’ve founds scarves to be a nice way to dress things down.

    • Lyssa

      Is it still warm enough for a sundress in your area? (It definitely is in mine) If not, maybe a short(ish) skirt with tall boots and a brightly colored top? Good luck!

    • Ellen

      I do NOT know your body type, but if he is payeing, which he SHOULD be, and you are interested in him, you should wear a white silk cami (as shear as possibel) with either black or red jeggings and either 4″ black (or red) pump’s. YAY!

      That outfit will surely keep him from lookeing at anyone else, but be careful b/c if you have a full meal, he pay’s and it is the THIRD date, and it’s friday, meaning you do NOT have to get up for work tomorrow, this is when he is goieng to move in fast back at your place. If you want him to, fine, but if not, do NOT wear this outfit!

    • zora

      totally! casual dress with boots, or skirt with tights and boots if it is too cold. I wear pants every day lately, so I also have fun when I kick it up for a night out and go with a dress, boots and bare legs. ;o) More importantly: Yay for the third date! Sounds like you’re enjoying it. Have Fun!!!

  2. Bonnie

    I’m really disappointed with AT Loft. Over the last few years, their quality has decreased significantly and they seem to stock fewer work appropriate items, e.g. all of their dresses seem much too short.

    • Anonymous

      Same, not to mention their vanity sizing. I’m a size 4-6 right now, and I’m sized out of LOFT consistently. Everything is just huge on me. I just shop AT now even if it is more expensive.

      • Anon

        I feel like everywhere has vanity sizing. I’m usually a 4 and just recently bought a dress in a 00. I feel like I’m close to being sized out of professional clothes.

        • anon

          this exactly. I am a solid 4/27 on bottom– smaller on top– and I recently fell in love with a j crew dress that was at least 2 inches too large in the waist in a size 00. The petite would have been too short– I’m not petite! WTH is going on?!?

          • Aon

            This must only be happening in the smaller sizes, maybe to make the tiny women feel tinier? I don’t know…but I’ve worn an 8 for a really long time, and I still wear an 8. My new size 8 Loft/Ann taylor stuff isn’t any bigger than size 8 stuff I’ve had for 6 or 7 years. (though the quality has declined a bit.)

            I do agree on the too-short. I am only 5’2″ and I always buy the regular skirts because the petites are way too short.

          • Echo

            I have a 00 in a J Crew dress as well; my Lady Day coat, purchased several seasons ago, is a 4P. I don’t know what’s going on.

            Happily, the things I have bought from Boden recently are not vanity-sized at all. I never thought I’d be so grateful that clothing was too small!

          • LH

            Yeah, I agree with Aon that the vanity sizing must be in the size 4 and under range. I’m an 8 and have always been an 8 and am still an 8. I might now be able to get away with a 6 in something with a looser fit, but I definitely haven’t gone down 3 sizes.

          • Aggie

            +1 With Aon, I’ve worn an AT and LOFT size 8 for almost 5 years now with zero change in the sizing. Skirts and dresses have changed length – both longer and shorter – but the fits are identical. While I could wear a 6 in some items, I choose not to…but I’m quite certain that a 4 would not fit.

        • Ellie

          Could it be that vanity sizing happens more in the US than rest of the world? I’m just curious because I looked into the fabric labels of some of my suits and dresses and the older labels equal FR 34 = IT/ES/PT 36 = DE (GER) 32 = US 2, but my newly purchased Italian dress tells me it’s IT 36 = FR 34 = DE 32 = US 00! So it seems, while the other European sizes remained the same but the American sizes went up? It would make sense, given what it’s often reported and also reported here.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Yup to the vanity sizing. I’m a 32DDD and wearing size four dresses from Loft. I usually have to buy an 8 or 10 at other stores to accommodate the chest and have the waist taken in. The 4’s fit perfect. I am rarely the smallest person in the room so I would imagine others would be sized out there.

      • Anonymous

        When I was younger (like under 23) I was completely sized of out womens clothing. I could never buy a size 4 because it was really large. I gained a little weight and I was actually happy to fit into women’s size clothing, sized at 4-6. Now that vanity sizing is so bad I’m going back to being sized out. Plus I’m 5’8″ so it’s not like I can start looking in the petite section. I mean it’s so pathetic that we have to cater to larger American women to make them feel better about themselves that anyone who is smaller has to go to the tailor because a size 0-2 is too big.

        • zora

          Or retailers could simply carry more sizes of clothing, a larger range to accommodate everyone. Just a thought.

        • emeralds

          Hey Anonymous! I would encourage you be careful of your tone and phrasing. I think we can all agree that vanity sizing is obnoxious (and as a petite, small-sized woman I understand the annoyance of being sized out of some stores), but the answer to that problem is not slamming the fashion industry/society for a “pathetic” attempt to make some women feel better about themselves. Society systematically privileges smaller women in a lot of other ways, while stigmatizing larger bodies, so. Yeah.

          • Mpls

            Agreed – I’m pretty sure retailers are NOT in the business of making women feel better. They are in the business of selling clothes. And they will (generally) make clothes that fit the majority of the people, in order to sell clothes. So if clothes are getting bigger (even if the size numbers are migrating) that could be an indication that general population is getting bigger.

            At least you can tailor down clothes if they are too big – it’s hard to add in fabric if clothes are too small.

        • Hel-lo

          Yeah, I don’t see this happening nearly as dramatically in larger sizes. So it’s not the bigger ladies’ fault.

        • Anon

          From this woman’s posts, I’ve gathered that “vanity” sizing is actually more an issue of retailers trying to keep their sizing designed around a median sized medium, whatever they’ve decided that is for their particular customer base.

          http://www.fashion-incubator.com/archive/the_myth_of_vanity_sizing/

          If their customers are getting larger, the medium size needs to get larger too, unless they want to extend the number of sizes available, which to some extent they have- pretty sure 00 didn’t exist 20 years ago- but it gets more expensive. Part of this is also apparently related to the ways patterns are cut to minimize fabric waste.

          As an oddly proportioned petite who has a very hard time finding clothes that fit appropriately, I sympathize with people getting sized out, but some of the complaints about vanity sizing do edge a little on the side of fat shaming.

          • Aggie

            Anon, thanks for the article. This is quite interesting!

            So in theory, a size 8 could stay constant for years with 00-6 sizing up and down to fit the purchasing patterns of that store.

          • anon

            That is interesting! And makes sense!

            I’m a 8/10 and I feel like I veer more towards 8 now than a 10, although I think it might be that I’m more comfortable with a fitted look than when I was younger.

    • Carine

      Agree, I hardly got any wear out of a couple sweaters I bought at LOFT last winter before they were faded and junky looking, and I am not that hard on my clothes. I was in there recently and found a well-constructed shell that I bought on sale, but I’ve pretty much stopped considering LOFT an option for work basics like I used to.

    • TCFKAG

      The only stuff I’ll buy at Loft is *very* cheap things on discount that are quite trendy that I know will only last the season, maybe two – figuring they’re so trendy that I probably won’t WANT them past the season – so I won’t mind when they fall apart. But yeah, the quality there has gone doooowwn hill. As has the styling – its like its the “working women’s junior’s section” – which one wouldn’t think you’d need.

    • Susedna

      +1 on the too short.

      I’m just a hair above 5’4″ and so many of their skirts are well above the knee and not work appropriate for me.

  3. Ellen

    Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I LOVE Fruegel friday’s and this fruegel dress!!!! I had a nice time watcheing this movie with Myrna, the Bling Ring. It was a littel slow, but OK. She got a DVD and brought it OVER and we made chocolate FUDGE! YUMMY!

    Myrna told me that Sam is STILL PINEING over me! Can you imagine? I wonder what he is doeing with all of those booger’s now that he does not have my tuchus to wipe them off on! GROSS! I always worried when he touched my clothe’s if he was wipeing off a booger or 2 — now some other girl will have to check her clothe’s at the dry cleaner’s.

    We are goieng up to see Roberta Saturday, and I am leaveing Micheal home. I worry he will start to ooogle Myrna, and it’s to early in the relationship to introduce her yet. I DO, however, want to know what she thinks.

    I have to run to court to make 2 motion’s. I think the JUDGE was NOT effected by the sequester. I hope the manageing partner is right or I will have MADE the trip for NOTHIING! FOOEY!

  4. Legally Brunette

    Very pretty dress. Love the color, but wish the zipper was not exposed.

    PSA – Boden dresses, skirts, and pants are 20% off. Just bought a few dresses that I have had my eye on for a few weeks.

    • Mpls

      Just to be clear – that’s not an exposed zipper, in terms of the “exposed zipper” trend. “Exposed” zippers make a big deal about seeing the zipper tape as well. This is a normal zipper installation.

      But I agree, there are alternative zipper installations (invisible, lapped) that are also available, and might be appropriate for this dress. Invisible zippers tend to be problematic if the fabric is too thick, and a lapped zipper is going to have a funny flap on the back that isn’t going to be any more flattering.

        • Mpls

          I’ve been doing more sewing lately, so my garment vocabulary is expanding :)

          I think the exposed zipper trend has gotten us all a little sensitive to zippers. And this is still kind of an exposed zipper, in that the designer opted to got with a metallic zipper, instead of a colored zipper that matches the dress – which, I think, used to be more of the tendency if an invisible zipper (in-seam zipper) wasn’t available.

      • Orangerie

        Putting in another plug for this dress! I received mine in the mail last week and it’s awesome.

    • Anon

      Agree. I loathe exposed zippers. It’s lazy and less expensive to produce than a proper invisible zipper. It cheapens what is otherwise a great dress. While the tape may not be visible, the use of a metallic zipper is just as bad. Note that the description on the website calls it an exposed zipper.

    • DC Association

      I tried this on at lunch. The zipper is not exposed…there is piping along the zipper line that is black maybe making it look like it’s exposed. It definitely isn’t.

      The dress overall is flattering, i think it would be a winner for most people! I am a bit of a pear, though, and don’t love the way the side seams on ponte dresses lay on my “problem area” – the hip. The seams don’t lay flat and I sure don’t need any more stuff sticking out on my hips!

      • Anon for this

        Funny. I tried it on as well. My thoughts – poorly made and the very obvious metallic zipper was a deal breaker. The zipper is definitely exposed even though the tape is not. When the zipper is the first thing you see on the back of the dress, it’s exposed.

  5. Anon for this

    Question about taking vacation time… I currently have 12.5 vacation days and 4 personal days that I will lose at the end of the year. I’m new, I started in February but technically have three years with the company because of my internship start date. I really want to take a few days here and there due to mega burnout yet feel I can’t. I’m hesitant to because my boss has made snide comments the two times I had to leave early (as in leave at 3pm) for doctor appointments – “We’ll, I can’t tell you no.” When doctors offices have hours 8am to 4pm only M-F, it makes if difficult when you work 12+ hours a day.

    I guess what my question really boils down to is, will it hurt me if I try to schedule vacation days or am I entitled to them just as my colleagues are? Have I earned them on the eyes of my boss and coworkers or will I appear lazy? Any advice is welcomed.

    • mascot

      Take your vacation days and don’t feel the need to apologize for them. You don’t want to set a precedent of never taking time off. Your team and boss will survive just fine. Just try to avoid taking vacation during a time you know you have a big deadline assuming you know when those are.

      • Houston Attny

        +1 to “you don’t want to set a precedent of never taking time off.” It’s amazing what your boss will be able to adjust to if you take the time and never let him/her know the snide comments bother you.

      • MissK

        Agreed!!

        To me, vacation time is no different than any other benefit and you’re entitled to use all of it. As mascot said, setting a precedent of never taking time off or using all your vacation is a bad idea – especially if it doesn’t roll over. That’s paid time off that you’re just giving up!!!

        Plus, you mentioned burnout. I think we all know time away from the office is totally necessary to keep the sanity. I say use your vacation time and your personal time. IMO, it’s crazy that we’re judged for using the vacation we earned…

    • MJ

      This is a know your office thing, but you are, in fact entitled to those days, and I’d argue that if you are suffering from burnout, you _should_ take those days. It might be best to schedule carefully…maybe take the whole week of Thanksgiving off, or make clear that you are off the week from X-mas to New Years or whatever–I find that if you are in a culture which is work-work-work, taking lots of three day weekends is perceived as worse than just taking a chunky weeklong vacation (coupled with a long holiday, like Thanksgiving).

      If your team is really lame about people taking vacation, they’re going to be that way whether you take it or not, and it sounds like you would feel much better and have more energy to give to your job if you take it. Just try to schedule around super-important deadlines. If you are having problems getting your head around this, ask, “Would I do my job for free?” If the answer is no (and it should be), think about what giving unused vacation days back to your company is: it’s working for free.

      Also, honestly, if you need to see a doctor–see a doctor. Your health is important. Don’t do it on a super-duper-critical day, if you can help it, but checkups and dealing with illnesses or chronic conditions is not “taking advantage.” It’s just taking care of yourself.

      Last, it sounds as though you are “asking” your boss re taking this time off. I would put in more in a “tell” mode. Not, “May I please take off Thursday at 3pm for a doctor’s appt?, but rather, “Boss, I will be leaving at 2:30pm on Thursday for a 3pm doctor’s appt. [Coworker] will cover X in my absence. Thank you.” Or, “Boss, I will be utilizing 5 of my 12 vacation days on the week of []. X will cover in my absence and I will do a complete handover of Y before I leave. Please let me know if you need to discuss this matter. Many thanks.”

      • JB

        I think the scheduling time around holidays is helpful when there is an anti-vacation sentiment. Those days people are already distracted and more likely to leave early, work from home, etc.

        Can you try scheduling doctor’s appointments in the morning? I think the perception then is that you can stay late to “make up” the time missed versus leaving early which might “short shrift” the team.

      • LizNYC

        I second “telling” your boss over “asking” as well. I used to get push back from Former Boss when I phrased upcoming doctor’s appointments and personal / vacation days as asking for permission — as though it was a judgment call on her part. When I started phrasing it more like MJ suggests, I got little to no pushback and never had an issue.

        And please take your days! The office will survive without you. What if you were sick (as in really sick) or changed jobs? They’d survive in your absence. Take your days, turn off your phone, don’t check your email, and relax!

    • Bonnie

      Take your leave. When you approach your supervisor, tell them that you have use or lose leave which you have to take by the end of the year. You can offer not to take them all at once to avoid disruption. Instead of leaving at 3 for the day to go to the doctor, you could just take leave on those days.

    • Anne Shirley

      Not taking your vacation days amounts to working for free. You are donating your vacation time to your boss. He might grumble, but you should still take them. Unless you’re a lawyer, and then you should never ever ever ever leave your desk. #bitter

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Take them. It is an entitlement that you have, and particularly in the circumstances, you really really must.

      The two partners I work for love to make semi-joking comments about holiday, they would not (unless it couldn’t be avoided ) ever stop us from taking it, but it would suit them just fine if nobody ever went on holiday. He is making this comment to try to make you feel guilty because you being there makes life easier for me. He is not a small child, he will cope and life will go on and you will come back to work and carry on. This will not be the case if you have a nervous breakdown and he loses a valuable person in the team who knows what they are doing.

    • Brant

      I find this generally to be all about attitude/perception. This is a know-your-office thing, but typically someone taking 2 hours every week or so comes across as taking more time as the employee who takes a 1-2 week vacation every summer.

      For your appointments, did you schedule them well in advance and get your boss to OK it? I generally block the time out, tell my boss “I’ve got to head out early for a dr’s appt on X, any issues with that?” There never are, because I have my work done and day planned around it. If your boss continues to give you the stink eye, perhaps ask if morning appointments would be better.

      I would also get a sense for the down time in your company–some offices are DEAD during the holidays, others are frantic because it’s year end. My office happens to be insane in May, so I know to avoid that if possible.

    • Marise

      If you are flexible with your leave, tell your boss: “I have vacation time that I need to take by the end of the year or I will lose. I want to work with your schedule. Are there days that would be better for me to be off than others? “

  6. Lyssa

    This dress is lovely – anyone know how sizes run? Seems like last time I went looking for dresses, I was usually a 4, but I tried on several recently (at different stores) and I was running 0-2, which just seemed silly. I’m pearish, so dresses can be a hard fit.

    • emeralds

      I usually find Loft TTS, but there are ladies up the thread saying it runs big, so who knows. This is one of the reasons why I don’t always like shopping online–there’s really no telling how a particular garment will fit you, especially if it’s not a brand whose sizing you’re really familiar with.

      • mascot

        I wonder if the vanity sizing affects the smaller sizes more. I am towards the other end of the spectrum and find that my Loft size is consistent with other brands.

        • HSAL

          I’m the same way. I’m generally a standard 12 across the board. I have the very occasional foray into 10 or 14, but I’ve never noticed the big difference that others have experienced.

          • Mpls

            Same here. 12 is my go to, with occasional up or down a size based on fit and availability.

          • Aon

            I didn’t see this before I commented above, but this is my experience as well. I wear an 8, and my new size 8 Loft stuff is the same size as my old size 8 Loft stuff, and I wear an 8 everywhere else too. Occasionally a 10 on top bc I have bewbs and so if things are cut slim up top I have to size up. But that’s been true forever. I’m in my late 30’s, so I have stuff from 10 years ago, so I am pretty sure the size is the same. But most of the women noticing this massive vanity sizing are in the 0-4 range. Maybe trying to push the 4-6 into 0-2 thinking they want to feel smaller?

        • backgrounder

          Agree. I’m always scratching my head when people are like zOMG Vanity Sizing! I am a 8/10 and have also lived at a 12 and never experienced much variance in sizes at Loft.

          • ITDS

            I think it comes into play if you prefer a tighter fit and the store allows a roomier fit. I size down to a small at Lands End ( from a medium or even large elsewhere) because they allow way too much room in their medium items. It’s not that they are sizing the garment for someone larger, they are just assuming that the standard sized person wants a looser fit.

      • Anonymous

        I think LOFT runs slightly big, but I haven’t had as bad of an experience as the commenters above. I’m normally a 0/2 and wear a 0 in LOFT sizes.

        I agree that the dresses run short, but I find that’s true most places (I’m 5’10). I love that they often have a 0T option, as this isn’t the case for many retailers.

        • belils

          I am a 4 most places (probably really a 6 but they all have vanity sizing). Can usually find pants/skirts that will fit at LOFT, whether in a 4 or more frequently a 2, but I am totally sized out of their dresses.

    • Orangerie

      I actually ordered this dress a couple weeks ago and it’s lovely. I’m 5’7″ and the regular length comes to my knees. I would say the sizing runs TTS to your normal J.Crew or Banana Republic size. I’m pretty consistently a 0 at both of those stores and that size fit perfectly in this dress (fitted, but not tight).

      • Aon

        I also wonder how much of this has to do with people buying ‘lines’ that are not cut for their body type, which therefore requires sizing down. For example, someone mentioned that they had to size down because of all the “Extra” fabric at the waist.
        Well, if you’re an apple shape, like myself, even if you’re not “big”, that “extra” fabric isn’t “extra”, it’s what makes the garment fit. If I were to buy “curvy” cut jeans (the kind with extra ‘ease’ in hip and thigh, often described as cut for a “woman’s” body) my regular size would be huge in the hip and thigh.

  7. Lyssa

    People ask about gifts all the time, but I haven’t seen this one – what should I get for an infant baptism? Or do I need to get anything. Twin boys, my nephews, 6 months old, Catholic, if it matters. (I’ve been Catholic all my life, and I’ve been to baptisms before, but I’m completely blanking out on what’s usually done.) Something religious? (and if so, what?) Money? Something for each or one gift for both? I’ve got no idea.

    Also, I’m to be godmother to one of the boys – should I get him something different/extra/special? (Like he’s going to care or something. I don’t know.)

    • Pear

      I have Irish twins. People gave them a lot of presents for their baptism (so: riot of baby stuff) and a lot of that was breakable religious-type items (all put away on a high shelf but not of the heirloom variety).

      Maybe it’s time for a savings bond — something they won’t have too much of or outgrow or break? For when they go to Notre Dame :)

      Also, I didn’t want our aunts to treat their godchildren any better really (2 aunts, one godchild each). Maybe if it were a non-relative, but with children so close in age, it was easier for everyone to be in aunt mode and not in you-are-more-special-to-me mode. They were OK with that.

      • Anon

        “For when they go to Notre Dame :)”

        Haha.

        Growing up, one of my classmates was a member of a very large Irish-American family. All the kids went to Notre Dame. All the cousins went to Notre Dame. Etc. Every weekend in the fall, they’d drive to see the Notre Dame football game.

        Which is why, until my 20s, I thought Notre Dame was in/near upstate New York, WHERE WE ALL LIVED. Nope – this huge family drove to South Bend for every home game (and wherever else for as many away games as possible).

        It still makes me laugh. Those must have been some long hours in the car.

      • Mpls

        Wait – twins of Irish descent, or Irish twins where they are siblings born within 12 mth of each other?

        • Wildkitten

          I also found this confusing. I think she means twins of Irish descent since they seem to have had one baptism for both of them.

          • Small purse / clutch

            Same birth year, different birth date (11 month spread).

            If someone has seen my waist, I would like it back.

          • Mpls

            Gotcha – siblings with birthdays less than 12 months apart.

            I have uncles that are Irish triplets (may be making that term up to expand on the concept) – 3 siblings with less than 2 years between the oldest and youngest birthdays.

    • DC Association

      I’m from the NY area…in our family we always gave money. Bonds are perfect. If you want to get a gift, you could get a nice piggy bank (there are some silver animal ones I’ve seen) and then the $$…

    • Anonymous

      In the northeast, I’d say money is the usual gift at Catholic baptisms – often a savings bond. I’m not sure that’s true for the rest of the country. As godparent, I think you should give something religious. Maybe an illustrated children’s bible?

      • Aggie

        +1 Money is my go-to baptism gift for relatives. After a baby shower and gifts after the baby is born, most families are set with baby gifts and toys by the baptism.

        For the few baptisms I have attended for my friends, I brought a nice picture frame. As I’m never sure what their family’s customs are I always hesitate to give cash, but I don’t want to add to the clutter that all babies bring.

    • TBK

      Not Catholic, but I feel like Catholic friends have received money for their kids when they were baptized. I was baptized at age 7 and I got a children’s Bible story book, which I really enjoyed. They couldn’t read books like that now, but it would be something to put away for when they were a few years older and would be appropriately religious.

    • CapHillAnon

      For baptisms, we give silver engraved baby cups (from Ross Simons, usually) or money ($50 or $100, depending on how close we are to the family). We don’t generally give special gifts for our godchildren at the baptism itself, but we do try to send a card saying hello or a little gifts on the the anniversary of the baptism.

    • Brant

      Money or some kind of religious memorabilia. Perhaps money for both, and something like a bible, prayer book, rosaries, cross for bedroom etc. for the boy that is your godson. After all, the point of a godparent in the Catholic faith is to be there to ensure they follow the faith.

      My godparents gave me a…well…don’t exactly know what it is. But a silver picture-frame sized thing that has a bedtime prayer etched into it. I also got a fancy cross from my grandmother. And probably some other misc. stuff I don’t remember because I was an infant.

    • NbyNW

      Lyssa, I’d say money/bond and a silver gift for each. I’m in my 50s and still have my (Catholic) baptism gifts – a silver chalice cup, a silver cross necklace and a pin. I display the cup but the rest are packed away.

    • TAH

      I’m in NYC, and we usually give savings bonds for Baptisms. In the case where you’re the Godparent, at least in my family, the Godmother is responsible for buying the Baptismal outfit (gown, suit, etc.). For my Goddaughter, we also bought her a small crucifix.

    • Hel-lo

      Make sure you talk to the parents of this baby about how they envision your role as Godmother. Are you to have a special bond with the baby throughout his life? Are you to send extra presents? Are you to take him under your wing at church? Some people take this thing very seriously and would be hurt to know you are kind of unsure/flip about it.

      • Wildkitten

        I think she’s being flip because he’s an infant, not because he’s her godson. Infants aren’t aware enough to know what presents they are getting.

    • TCFKAG

      Instead of the little breakable keepsakes that emeralds mentions, I like to get little children’s books with religious or quasi-religious messages. For example, Oscar Wilde wrote a children’s book called The Selfish Giant that was one of my favorites as a child and it has a beautiful religious message – definitely one to consider (you can get it on Amazon – some of them have beautiful art – get one of the older printings if you can.) Anyway, that’s what I usually do – but I agree with emeralds that a savings bond or something like that is also popular.

      • Anon of for this

        I have 7 godchildren – 3 are Catholic – 4 are Episcopalian – Yes I am “super-aunt.” I have “tried” to do similar things for each. They all got one of the really beautiful pop-up books of Noah’s Ark (I forget the author and illustrator- but they sell them at most of the museums) and then some heirloom type gift that was unique to each one. The girls all got baby crosses and the boys got bonds the same price as the crosses. They also got a handwritten letter from me on my hopes and dreams for each of them. My godmother did that for me, and her grandchildren are my godchildren, and to this day is the most cherished thing she has ever given me.
        I tend to overdo things though – so I am sure one of the things I gave and the letter would have been fine!! But, when I was honored with the first one – I didn’t know there would be 6 more:) And in response to one of the comments above, I am a Godparent who takes the role very seriously, not in the religious sense necessarily, but in the “a special person in the child’s life sense.” And for 6 out of the 7 that is the same way the parents see it. So while the gifts may be over the top, I am super involved with the kids and since I don’t have kids of my own it all works for me.

    • oil in houston

      hello, Catholic here, and quite traditionalist if it helps; I got a medal from my goddaughter, and a cross for my godson; I still wear my cross from my baptism, and feel it is something they’ll keep forever, which to me is more meaningful than money, but it’s only my opinion.
      If I’m just a guest, I give pretty books

  8. emeralds

    Friday TJ. I just officially began a relationship with my now-boyfriend. Who knows what the future holds, but things are going really well and we make each other happy. So what are things that you ladies think can contribute to building a strong relationship, when you’re still in the early stages? Anything that you think you’ve done well, or maybe not so well?

    • Anne Shirley

      Not pretending. Saying no when you don’t want to do something. Not laughing at all of his unfunny jokes (just some, to be nice). Not merging chore-life. In a new relationship, my making you dinner is a special treat, not a default.

      I’ve had the most luck when I’ve focused on being myself- excited to start things off with him, but not terribly interested in changing who I am to make us work.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1,000,000

        Begin as you mean to continue. That means no showing off, no putting up with stuff that will eventually drive you crazy. And especially no cooking dinner every night and doing his laundry every week unless you are perfectly okay with him expecting that to continue and become an entitlement.

    • Anon

      not keeping count — by which I mean tabulating the number of times he calls you v. you calling him or number of times you do him a favor v. he doing you a favor. relationship shouldn’t be a checkbook – there should be a flow of attention/affection between the two of you that feels right, not a tit for tat.

      • CountC

        +1,000,000 The flip side of that is trying not to worry about making sure you keep your count even. For example, my bf buys me gifts fairly regularly. My gut reaction is, OMG now I have to buy him something! He makes significantly more money than I do, so that’s not always possible. What it has taken me a while to realize is that he does it because he wants to, not because he wants something in return.

        I will add communication to this. Don’t stew on something for a week and then spring it on him a week later when you are super irritated about it. If you don’t already, learn how to communicate in a way that is non-confrontational – i.e., XYZ made me feel ABC vs. you made me feel ABC. I am not sure if I am articulating it well, but this approach has served me well.

        Also, don’t lose who you are in the relationship. Continue to make time for your hobbies and your friends.

        • emeralds

          I think communication is actually one of the things that makes me really like this guy–we had our first, not fight, but serious talk about something problematic that was bothering him this week, and he really handled it well (and used I-statements, omg who is this dude).

    • FrouFrou

      Being respectful to each other, even when you disagree. Actually, I think maintaining the utmost respect for your partner is the most important thing in a relationship or marriage. If you lose that, it doesn’t matter how funny, sweet or cute he is.

    • Anonymous

      I would say explaining your expectations from the beginning. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and I explained from the very beginning what I would and would not put up with and he’s maintained the expected level of behavior from the beginning. Just set up an honest expectation of your relationship.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Niceness breeds niceness (although I think this is a bit more for long term relationships). Enjoy your own life separate and apart from him as I’m sure he will as well – everyone has a tendency to spend all the time with their new boyfriend/girlfriend, but it’s not necessary. Enjoy the beginning stages and some of the uncertainty and mystery – it can quickly become hum-drum everyday stuff.

    • Hel-lo

      Oh, I forgot one of the most important parts!

      Hold off on the LGPs for as long as you can. I held off with my current husband for 3 months. (Some people say 5 dates, but do whatever works for you.)

      I realized, before my husband, that I was rushing in to “party” way too quickly. Then both I and the dude would become uninterested. The more I liked the guy, the more I held off (and, in so doing, I respected myself more, so he respected me).

      (Partying early on isn’t necessarily bad, but it was a symptom of me not treating myself well, which translated into me picking the wrong guys. Kind of a self-sabotage for me.)

      • Anon

        I’m sorry but i hate the idea that engaging in LGPs early on ruins relationships. If you want to and you are engaging in a party for the right reasons, it has nothing to do with respecting each other and/or your interest levels in the other person. To insinuate otherwise reeks of slut-shaming.

        • Amberwitch

          I find the idea of dating without LGP pretty odd – it seems strange to invest the time without confirming sexual compatibility first. So I am in the opposite camp. No sex = no relationship.

      • Hel-lo

        You have a good point. I didn’t mean it that way at all. I just have a history of picking the wrong guy and treating myself badly, and jumping into bed was a symptom of a larger problem for me. (My self-destructive behavior during that time also involved drinking way too much, not being in healthy friendships, not eating healthily, dealing with stress badly, no exercise, etc.)

        I’m sorry if it came across as shaming anyone. I didn’t mean it that way.

  9. Wombat

    Job offer coming my way today! I am so very excited!

    Assuming I accept the job and there are no hiccups, I will be working at an office that has much different attire than what I wear at my current firm. At my current firm, I am required to wear suits every day (and I am encouraged to wear panty hose). At the new firm, I am only required to keep a blazer in my office. I can’t tell you how excited I am to wear something other than a plain, boring suit!

    For those of you who have made the transition from a business formal to a business casual workplace, what essential purchases did you make? Sadly, I don’t think I can justify a new purse or a new pair of pumps…yet.

    • Veronique

      There was a discussion about this earlier in the week or last week. Some if the suggestions (plus my suggestions) included non-suit blazers, cardigans (if that’s your style), blouses that can be worn on their own if you mostly have shells, dresses (especially sheaths and dresses with sleeves), and less conservative shoes/accessories. Color is also a great way to spice up a former business professional wardrobe. Most of your current wardrobe can be mixed in with more casual/less conservative prices. Thrift/consignment stores could be a great source of blazers or skirts to “casualize” your wardrobe. TJ Maxx/Marshall’s and Target are great for inexpensive cardigans.

    • Rosalita

      I generally wear the same tops as I did in my firm, but with more casual pants – nice jeans or khakis or gray casual/dress pants. Cardis instead of jackets. More scarves.

      Way less makeup and jewelry.

      Flats or even sneakers, depending on your office.

    • Miz Swizz

      Clothes for casual Friday. I noticed I have a lot of nice tops and a lot of casual tops but not many I could pair with jeans for casual Friday. I don’t know when I bought all the navy tops, so that doesn’t help my situation but more in-between tops would be nice.

  10. Family dysfunction....

    For those with parents who have been widowed/divorced/remarried later in life (eg. after age 60/70…), did they marry for things “other” then love, and did it work out?

    My parents were both very unlucky and struck with terrible health issues suddenly in their 60’s. My mother died quickly from an aggressive cancer, and my father now has many serious medical problems and is severely disabled after a traumatic injury and 6 month hospitalization. He is also lonely, desperate, and depressed. Fortunately, he is now seeing a geriatric psychiatrist. He requires a lot of assistance/care for his daily living, and currently “lives alone”, although family is there daily for his care.

    I have seen that many men after loss are more likely to remarry quickly… often more quickly then women. My father makes it very clear that he wants companionship (sex is a huge prior for him…. I am embarrassed he reveals this to me often….) as soon as possible. He actually is not very socially appropriate, and had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother. It is actually hard for me to imagine a woman getting involved with him at this stage of life considering all of his medical issues and volatile personality. But it is also clear to me that there are so few men his age that have financial security that some women are willing to “compromise”.

    It sounds terrible for me to describe my father like this…. I’m sorry…. Perhaps someone understands….

    He will clearly marry the first women who crosses his path. In fact, he actually tried to reunite with a woman from his past (that he had kept secret…) until it exploded due to my father’s volatile personality. This women was much younger, unemployed for 2 years, asking to be supported indefinitely, and was mentally ill. I realized soon I might have two disabled seniors that I am caregiving for…

    Maybe relationships that late in life are not the same… Maybe “companionship” alone is enough… maybe women and men are willing to sacrifice very different things to get what they want/need……

    Any success stories, as I look at my father’s situation as a train wreck waiting to happen…?

    • PinkKeyboard

      Shoot Report instead of Reply first. Sorry! As to the situation… not identical but my half sister’s grandfather (who she is responsible for) is much the same and luckily has fallen head over heels for a home health aid who is married and a very nice woman who won’t take advantage. He gets the happiness of spending almost every day with her without the more disturbing aspects of the relationship. This wasn’t intended obviously but it seems to work out well (within reason).

    • mascot

      How is his mental capacity? Assuming he is still competent, you probably need to have some serious conversations about estate planning, joint accounts, powers of attorney, etc. We’ve had family members who were taken advantage of financially by some unscrupulous people and it can be quite a mess. Your situation may be a bit different since it sounds like he has some consistent family interactions.

      • NOLA

        Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that my SO has POA for his stepfather so he can monitor the financial situation. His stepfather is of sound mind (for now – detoxing sent him over the edge for awhile) so it’s always a battle.

    • NOLA

      No advice but commiseration. My SO’s stepfather is in his 80s and more frail than he wants to admit. He was regularly hanging out in bars and thinks of himself as a ladies’ man. Well, he got involved with a woman who was unemployed, multiple DUIs, and a big drinker (needed to blow into the tube to start her car), and she was taking advantage of him. My SO could see that he was paying for gas, groceries, probably meals and drinks for her. The stepfather had a fall and since he was in the hospital and now skilled nursing, she has not been heard from (my SO was monitoring the cell phone and deleted her number). But now there are apparently other women he has his sights set on. It’s sad because they just leech onto him because he wants to be a big man/big spender at the bars. And he wants to go back home and back to his old life as soon as his arm is healed. SO has had to let go of worrying about it.

    • anon-oh-no

      i dont have answers but am going through something similar. my dad (who is a recent cancer survivor but has many other ailments these days) is in his mid-late 60s. my mom is the same age but has been in a nursing home for two years. she has severe dementia, cannot do anything for herself, and his basically waiting for her body to fully shut down (as opposed to the mostly shut down state in which she currently lives). My dad does as much as he can for her, but it weighs on him heavily and he occupies much of his time away from my mom but hanging out with this woman (who is a basket case) who is 20 years younger and has financial problems.

      I certainly dont care about my dad hanging out with another woman; at this point, i just want my dad to be has happy as possible. but i have concerns about the financial issues/motives of this woman, and i have concerns about my dad’s mental stability. i live halfway across the country, so i cna only help so much.

    • zora

      You should talk to some of the experts as well, a Social Worker or other person that specializes in elder/hospice care. Unfortunately, if he is still living at home, it might be harder for you to access these services, but look around. This apparently is pretty common. My grandmother was in a large assisted living facility in the Alzheimer’s ward and the staff dealt with many relationships and ‘marriages.’ From what I understand they tell family: just make sure the financial situation is tight and out of his hands. Basically, getting the money put into a trust, or have a family member take over POA and financial authority. Then, often the staff of facilities often kind of encourage ‘marriages’ that aren’t actually legally binding. Let them have the personal freedom to decide their own relationships, etc. But, it protects the heirs from having financial responsibility for the new spouses, etc.

      Since you live across the country and he is still at home and not officially diagnosed with something like Alzheimer’s that might be difficult or impossible to go about the ideal solution. But that’s why you should talk to some experts, because this is a common issue that comes up, and they might have some other suggestions or services for helping you deal with the financial aspects, as well as the emotional ones it seems to be putting you through.

      Also, lots of internet hugs. Dealing with a family member’s failing health from far away is so hard. I am so sorry you are going through this, and that it is so complicated. And you do not sound horrible at all, these are things most of us will have to deal with at some point, kind of the cycle of generations. Not that that makes it any easier. Hugs.

    • LHH

      My mother is a widower and started dating 9 months after my father passed away. My parents had a 19 year age difference so it was expected that my mom would outlive my dad. My mom began dating a man around her age who ended up being an alcoholic. It was a terrible situation but I think she was desperate for companionship. The second man my mom dated, she married. They met in December and when I met him in April they were talking about marriage then married by August.

      DISCLAIMER: neither of these men are ANYTHING like my dad and my parents had a very happy marriage. I also do not care for either of them but the worst feeling is to worry about your parents happiness.

      I am an adamant believer that older adults look for something other than love. My mom is financially stable so it was not a money thing for her. I think she was desperate for companionship.

      It sounds like you are in a very awkward position with your father. You want him to make safe and smart decisions in regards to his partner. I would try to talk to a psychiatrist to help talk you through this. You may be coping well with your mother’s death but it sounds like you may need some coaching in talking to your dad….I know I did with my mom.

      • LHH

        And of course I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me this past 5 years and I hope that you get the support that you need.

    • Rosalita

      It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with your dad. But maybe boundaries are in order – like to tell your dad you don’t want him talking to you about his sexual desires any more.

    • Family dysfunction....

      Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses. They were more supportive then I expected, and really helped me. I struggle with guilt a lot for feeling so worried (and sometimes frustrated) about my father. I am sorry I didn’t reply earlier, as I was gone Friday all day taking my father to doctor’s appointments/physical therapy etc..

      Just FYI – my father’s injuries include a traumatic brain injury and some memory/behavioral issues related to that. It is sometimes hard to tell how much of some of his issues are due to his brain injury/aging changes, and how much is his personality with a little age/depression related “disinhibition”. He is considered competent at this point, and although he uses poor judgment at times.

      As the primary caregiver for my father, he often unleashes his frustrations upon me, but I have been better about establishing boundaries (yes… about the inappropriate talk…) and taking time outs when needed. I appreciate your reminders that this is needed. Thank goodness that I finally have a psychiatrist for him and that he is still willing to see him. It has taken me 3 years to get him there, and it has helped. I have also joined a caregiver support group for myself, which is very helpful. We often discuss “how to communicate”…. especially when the person you are caring for may have cognitive/behavioral difficulties…. but each situation is different. It is particularly hard since my father was always a very difficult and somewhat verbally abusive man who had a hard (and tragic) life. He has many reasons to be sad and has many regrets, and I do wish that he could find some happiness in his life. But I also don’t want to hear ANY more stories of his regrets, his mistakes, and his hatred from the past.

      It is unfortunate that I have to also worry about people taking advantage of him…. It took us years to get him to complete some basic financial/estate planning, but it is not very good, and most of his accounts are not even within the Trust that was set up. I just didn’t understand the roll of a trust at the time, and my brother (the financial POA) lives cross country and is minimally involved. We have a medical and financial power of attorney in place, but of course he also can change that at will. I spoke to an elder care lawyer once last year when my father had moved the mentally ill woman into his home (!), and the lawyer was pretty shocked to hear his story and simply said, “he should not get married…”

      It is very difficult caring for your parents… I never expected to have to do this when I was this young, and they never wanted to be cared for this early either.

      Thank you so much for letting me vent.

  11. Small purse / clutch

    I need a small purse, ideally a clutch, to take to a client meeting (I will be traveling, so it’s something that has to fit in my laptop bag but I won’t be taking the laptop out to lunch; I just need to pull out the essentials). It has to hold a blackberry, a wallet, and maybe a chapstick (minimal contents).

    I have heard that the LV Zippy wallet is perfect for this, but I think that that sends the wrong message(plus, it’s more than I’d like to spend). Does anyone have a good recommendation? Ideally, this would be from a mall store (our mall gets pretty fancy though) since this has come up rather suddenly and I’d like to find something over the weekend.

    • Cat

      Bloomie’s is doing friends and family, so you might try the small clutches there. I’ve been liking Coach’s return to solid color leather and they may have some good options too (and may even be at Bloomie’s, getting you the discount).

    • mascot

      I have a Lodis wristlet that would probably work for what you are looking for.

    • Avery

      Check out Gigi New York. Their little clutch bags may be a little large for your purposes, but they have wallets that will fit a phone.

    • anonfish

      I have the Coach Madison Large Wristlet for exactly this purpose. It’s perfect. Coach has been running a lot of 25% off promotions lately, so maybe wait a little and see if they do it again. I will try posting the link in the next comment.

    • Wildkitten

      I got a Cole Haan wristlet at 6 pm for this purpose, since I wanted mostly function and wasn’t particular. They don’t have a lot right now but you can check Zappos or other sites for discounted standard wristlets.

    • Hel-lo

      How big is your wallet? You will probably find a better selection if you’re just looking for something that can hold your ID, phone, credit cards, and chapstick. Perhaps you can leave the rest of your wallet in your laptop bag?

  12. Anon

    I was chosen to be my best friend’s daughters God Mother. I’d like to get the baby who is now about 2 months old a gift (I’m going to see her this weekend) and I’m thinking of getting a charm bracelet. Each year for Christmas or her birthday I could get a charm that represents that year and give it to her. What do you all think of this idea?

    • Anon

      I love this idea! My aunt gave me a charm bracelet when I was 10 and I’m so grateful that she did! I’ve collected charms throughout my life symbolizing travels, hobbies, family members, and special memories. I absolutely treasure it. I don’t wear it anymore because it has enough charms to be a bit clunky, but I did wear it on my wedding day, and I occasionally slip it into a pocket in my bag as a talisman on big days. I’m super sentimental, but I like it as a tangible reminder of my life story.

    • Anon

      Thank you both for chiming in! I think I’m going to head to the mall after work and see what I can find.

      • anon

        Love this! I have done a very similar thing for my goddaughter and for my godson I do a “similar but differet” idea in that I get him a magnet from every trip I go on (I travel A LOT). They love it get really excited about each new addition.

  13. AnonPara

    I like this dress and have never shopped at LOFT. Might stop in this weekend. Anyone have recommendations for LOFT pants? I am non-pear shaped. Not really an apple; more like a brick. No waist, little hip and tush. Straight and thicker through middle. Pants that fit are very difficult to find. Any brands that seem to work for this body type?

    • Aon

      I am built like this as well, and the Loft Marisa pants fit me well, though I did have to size up to button comfortably (but they are cut straight so this did not result in the dreaded hip bagging or weird cr0tch situation that tends to happen when there is more hip fabric than hip) So take a few sizes in the fitting room. I haven’t found any of the other cuts that work so far.

      • Aon

        Oh, and I generally find their dresses fit well. I always look for brands where all the pear shaped women say “this doesn’t work” and they usually work great for me! :)

      • Another S

        Second the Marisa recommendation. BTW, even though the tags say dry clean, I machine wash them.

        • Aon

          I machine wash mine too, I usually hang them to dry, though I have thrown them in the dryer a few times. No change in fit or anything, but I did notice the black ones faded a bit when I dried them in the dryer.

      • HnH

        They now have a Zoe cut that is supposedly even straighter than the Marissa although I have not tried.

      • AMB

        +1 on the Marissa, best fitting work pant I’ve found for a while (a curvy-ish 14). If only Loft was in my city, but I go often enough to where its located.

  14. anon in tejas

    a friend of mine is going through some really difficult infertility struggles with her husband. I hear about it a little from her, and I know that she’s really frustrated/upset. I want to do something nice for her. She’s a fabulous person, and I know that this is tough for her. Suggestions for anyone who has been in her shoes?

    • Anonymous

      Do you have kids or are you pregnant? Suggestions might differ depending on your answer to that question. (Please don’t take that personally, it has nothing to do with you.)

    • Carine

      You are a great friend! Honestly, when I was in her situation, the very best thing I remember someone doing for me was when a good friend took me out to dinner and let me talk and talk about it. She asked questions, was interested in the minutiae and sympathetic. Fertility issues were just all-consuming for me and really took over at home. It meant a lot to be able to really talk to someone other than my husband about it all and not have my worries dismissed, as was often the case with well-meaning family or friends. “Oh it’ll happen, just relax!” was really, really hard to hear.

      Anyway, your friend may not want or need that kind of outlet, but my point is that anything you do to convey that you care about what she’s going through will be so welcome.

      • Rosalita

        I agree with this. It sounds like it’s kind of like the Bar exam – people tell you, “Don’t worry, you’ll pass easily” aren’t helping, because it’s even more pressure.

        It’s hard to know what to say except that you’re thinking about them and don’t mention babies or kids or anything related to that when you hang out.

    • annieanon

      Hi – I have a friend that is going through this as well and I also don’t have kids nor do I plan to have kids. What I try to do:

      1. Be open that I am here to talk to her about it.
      2. Plan dinners out occasionally where we block off a huge chunk of time so she can talk about anything but there’s no time pressure on the conversation (usually fertility comes up at some point).
      3. When I come across a reputable article/study I send it on so she’s not just deluged by her blog googling, etc.
      4. When we’re with friends who have babies and can be dense about what she’s going through, I run interference. ie – Hey I’m gonna grab a drink, who else wants one? Hey [friend dealing with infertility] can you come help me carry them. It gives her a little breather without seeming like she’s upset that there’s endless discussion of children.

    • Anonymous

      Also, don’t comment on times she is not drinking. The two week wait between fertility procedures and the pregnancy test is brutal.

  15. Anon

    I have a frustrating work situation and wondering if anyone had any advice. I’m working on a contract right now. I was brought in as a sort of high level advisor to the office’s management. Unfortunately, that management turned over and my role got re-shuffled a little (informally) and I now work more directly with the staff. I’m currently working with another staffer who seems to think I’m her assistant. She’s also really controlling. I’ve dealt with controlling people before, but that was always in a clearly hierarchical situation. That’s just easier because there’s one person who has final say on things. Now it’s much more fluid.

    My understanding from management was that they wanted me to provide input and guidance on this project, since it draws directly on my background. I created a framework and work plan, which management loved and approved. This other person (I’ll call her A), has completely ignored this plan. When I pointed out (nicely) that management liked and approved it, she said “well, that’s just a proposal – it’s not set in stone.” The way this office works, it kind of is set in stone (she’s not on contract, but I’ve still been here longer than she has). She tells me when she wants to meet with me (not asking if I’m available), and uses a tone and language that sounds like she’s my boss. I wish I could explain it better, but it’s basically like she tells me “thank you for your hard work” just the way you’d say to your assistant.

    She also wants to talk through everything to death, but never actually wants to hear input. We spent three hours talking yesterday. Everything I suggested, she disagreed with. There was an intern in the meeting as well. He and I have the same background, except that he has sort of the bachelor level qualification and I have the master’s level plus several years of experience (if that makes sense). The issue touched directly on our field – which was why we were both on this project – and he and I agreed on a few issues. A still disagreed with us and when we both tried to explain, she said “well, I’ll just have to think about that.” She wants another meeting today to keep talking about, I think, exactly what we talked to death yesterday.

    She also wants to write everything by committee. This makes me crazy. I’m not talking about having a 30 min conversation about the general outline of something. I mean hours’ long discussions about exactly how something will be written. We had one of those discussions last week about something that would only be a page or less long. I could have written five of them in the time it took us to talk about it (i.e., in the time it took her to talk at me about it).

    I’m starting to simply default to waiting around for her to decide what she wants and how she’s going to do things and then just defer. As for what that does to my career, it may not have a huge impact. That is, it will impact what I’m learning and how my skills are developing (i.e., not at all) but it’s unlikely my boss will really care as long as the client is happy. I get the impression she feels unsatisfied when I say “sure, that sounds fine” but when I provide any meaningful input, she dismisses it. And that’s not just input that disagrees with her. If I add to what she’s said, she’ll disagree with it. It’s totally exhausting to keep throwing out thoughts only to have them dismissed. But if I don’t, she gets grouchy.

    Part of this is also just my fault. I don’t think she’s that bright. I think often the ideas I throw out, she simply doesn’t understand. I dont’ have any problem with people disagreeing with me. I enjoy the process of discussing and debating ideas to make sure they’re right. But this is really debate. It’s more just dismissing things. Also, I find her conception of our project to be very limited. She really seems not to see the big picture, and gets confused when I try to relate what we’re doing to a bigger concept or to tie it to other projects going on. I don’t have a ton of respect for her in general because she also has some outlandish ideas about medicine (things I just don’t think are backed up my science) which she shares with pretty much everyone. I have no poker face and I realize I’m not helping myself because I’m sure that, while I’m always polite and professional, I’m not great at faking liking people.

    I would ask management to clarify my role, but they’ve been clear that they want us to work “together” and “collaboratively.” Meaning no one is the lead and no one has final say.

    Sorry for the long ramble. How do I fix my thinking on this? I’m just making things difficult and I’m probably being a resentful brat. I’d like to be a big girl and make this work, but talking to her just gets my blood boiling. How can I do better at this?

    • roses

      Have you actually confronted her about how she’s treating you and demand to work more collaboratively? If not, do that. If that doesn’t work, go to management, describe the situation, and have them conduct a meeting with the two of you.

      • Anon

        I haven’t but part of it is that it’s really hard to describe in concrete terms what she’s doing. It’s more like tone than anything else. As for being too controlling, it’s so ingrained in her that I doubt any conversation would help. She dominates every meeting she’s in, to the point that other staffers make fun of her behind her back about it. Her manager, however, is terrified of coming across as too domineering (he’s told everyone as much) and so far has been totally unwilling to step in. So she just rambles and rambles and rambles in every meeting, and insists that every meeting go according to her own agenda. Most of her co-workers are either on contracts like me (and therefore have to tread carefully) or are the kind of people who don’t like to speak up.

  16. Senior Attorney

    Etiquette threadjack: I separated from my husband some months ago and ended up with custody of the season tickets to our local theatre. It’s two series of plays and I’m finding it unexpectedly difficult to find people to accompany me. The shows are weekend matinees.

    Question: Do you think it’s okay to ask friends who are married or living together to attend without their spouses or SOs? I know it’s generally considered impolite to invite one member of a couple without the other, but these are expensive tickets (around $100 each) and I can’t afford to buy a third ticket to every show (plus if I got a third ticket I’d have to exchange my awesome season seats to get three together).

    I have done the thought experiment of “how would I feel if somebody asked me when I was married,” and the answer is “I wouldn’t be at all offended to be asked, although my marriage was so dysfunctional that I probably wouldn’t have felt like I could have gone without Mr. S.A.” But I’m still a little reticent. Your thoughts?

    • Em

      I think it’s totally fine – perhaps phrase it as “I have an extra ticket,” which I think is universally understandable.

      • Anon

        +1 to Em. Also, will probably be even easier if you invite friends whose spouses/SOs don’t enjoy the theater. My SO and I enjoy doing most things together but I can tell you right now that when he found out a friend of ours (whose husband is deployed) wanted to see a musical he was like OH THANK HEAVENS, GO WITH HER! :) because he hates them :)

        • TBK

          Yup. My friend has season tickets to the ballet. Her husband travels for work sometimes and when he happens to be away a night when they have tickets, she invites me. It’s total win-win for my husband — his wife gets to see the ballet and he can stay home and play video games in his boxers.

      • lia

        +1 I really can’t imagine having friends who couldn’t hang out w/o their SO every so often

        • Aggie

          +1 – and it is a matinee, you’re not infringing on any standing date night. My husband calls the theater “expensive naps” and jumps at the chance for me to go without him.

          And if it were a Saturday or Sunday matinee during football season, he would probably arrange dinner afterwards.

    • tesyaa

      I’d ask someone whose SO would be busy. Invite a football widow for a weekend show, or the SO of someone who always works late nights for a weeknight show. And be upfront about it, that you have one extra ticket and you thought they’d enjoy it, plus you know their spouse is busy.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      It just shows how uncouth I am about etiquette, as this would never had occurred to me, so I would have thought totally fine.

      • Anonymous

        I think of it more in the context of hosting. Like you would never invite only one half of a relationship to your wedding. If I am having a dinner party, I would never invite only one half of a couple. Of if my and my spouse were going to dinner, it would be somewhat rude to only invite half of the couple to join. But I think this is totally ok etiquette wise to ask your friend to go to this with you. Not rude at all.

    • Senior Attorney

      Thanks, everybody!

      And “I have an extra ticket” has the added virtue of being, you know, true! ;)

      • NOLA

        FWIW, if I had gotten two tickets to Monday Night Football instead of one, I would have invited one of my girlfriends who has a longterm SO who likes football. When I asked her if he would be upset, she said he would have to suck it up!

    • Veronique

      Ask them! IMO, it’s not impolite to invite your friend to a girls only/boys only event with you. It’s only impolite to exclude the spouse from an event with other couples. Obviously, in the extreme, it can be offensive if you never socialize with your friends’ spouses and only invite them to girls’ nights, but it doesn’t should like that’s the case.

    • Anon

      Yes, people are allowed to have friends and go out with them without always taking their spouse along. It’s not weird – I think the opposite where they always have to be joined at the hip and have no independant life would be, though.

    • Lyssa

      I think that it would be totally fine. I’m happily married, but would love to go to a show with a girlfriend if we had the opportunity and wouldn’t find it the least bit odd (note to self- need to get friends who like theater). Husband wouldn’t mind a chance to stay home and do guy stuff, I’m sure. I’m sure that there are a lot of couples out there where one is much more interested in that sort of thing than the other.

      It may be odd/offputting if you invited the male half of a heterosexual couple, though. I know that males and females can be friends and all of that, but that seems like it would read just a little bit too much of a couples thing for comfort, unless you know the female half is very cool with your friendship.

      • Senior Attorney

        LOL, I agree and I would certainly not ask the male half of a hetero couple! Too much like at date!

        BTW if any of you ladies are in the L.A. area and would like to go on a theatre date some time, email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail dot com!

    • ss

      Yes, absolutely. Just say you’re going and have the one ticket available. I do this with friends, family, colleagues and clients all the time as my husband often has last-minute schedule changes or else can’t be counted on to enjoy ballet and other fun stuff.

    • Bonnie

      Totally fine. I think it’s good for couples to socialize apart sometimes and frequently go to events with a friend and without my DH. I even went on vacation without him when a friend had an extra spot!

    • SC

      ” I know it’s generally considered impolite to invite one member of a couple without the other…”

      Really? My DH and I each have friends who invite just one of us to do things. It might be nice/considerate to invite a friend with plenty of advance notice so that the spouse can schedule something else on their own. But I would guess that many married people love the occasional opportunity to veg on the couch alone :)

      • Anonymous

        I think its totally fine – I think the “impolite” comes from like if I am having a dinner party, or doing soemthing with a group that includes guys, ladies, couples and then I only invite one hald of a certain couple, that would be impolite. But I do stuff like dinners, wine tastings, wine nights, etc all the time with my girl friends, and plenty of times DH and I will both be invited but only one will want/be able to go.

        • KC

          This, exactly. It’s only impolite if it’s a couples event and you’re purposefully not inviting one half. Inviting a friend to use an extra ticket sans other half is completely fine!

    • CountC

      My first reaction was: “This is news to people?” Maybe mistakenly, I thought people generally understood that women walk a fine line between being attractive enough and not too attractive. I don’t feel as though the author said anything revolutionary.

      IME, it is true. While we don’t want looks to matter, they do. I don’t know how to fix this. I do think that a part of it is hardwired. Things that are attractive are, well, attractive to us. Be it a sofa or a human. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, it just is, you know?

      • Em

        I think people are hardwired to define attractiveness, but the incredible variance of beauty standards across cultures does a pretty good job of demonstrating that they’re not necessarily hardwired to find most particular things attractive (leaving aside certain markers of health and perhaps fertility).

        • CountC

          I agree. Certainly what I find attractive, you might not. I should have prefaced my comment by saying that in the U.S., I think what society as a whole finds generally attractive is somewhat straightforward.

        • CountC

          Sorry for all the posts! I should wait a second before I hit post comment.

          By my hardwired comment I meant that within each of us, we know what we find attractive and we are generally drawn to that.

    • Senior Attorney

      That’s a good list! I can get behind all of them except “Don’t wear heels every day!” ;)

    • Susedna

      I’m sending this to my Mom. (It won’t change her mind, but it’ll at least reinforce what I’ve been trying to say to her. Perhaps it can be the springboard to our discussions about the body-snarking attitude.)

  21. McKen-Z

    That dress is absolutely beautiful! I love shopping at Ann Taylor Loft and you really can’t beat the prices especially with that great sale. Dresses like that are great because you can wear them to the office of dress them up to go out! The StyleUp also has really great dresses for work too I’d love to hear some of your styling tips on their as well! http://www.thestyleup.com/

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