ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Vivie Print Scarf

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Marc by Marc Jacobs Vivie Print ScarfAs spring weather s-l-o-w-l-y arrives, now is a great time to swap your cashmere and wool scarves for cotton ones. I'm liking the fun little print on this black scarf from Marc by Marc Jacobs — I think it would work well with a variety of coats (or blazers worn as coats), and 6pm has it on a pretty decent price. It was $118, but is now $77. Marc by Marc Jacobs Vivie Print Scarf (L-2)

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

156 Comments

  1. I just need to complain for a minute about the “art” of negotiation. A huge part of it is just such a big waste of time for everyone. Everyone needs to inflate the amount of money they actually want and decrease the amount they would actually pay just to do some dance to get to the actual number.

    Right now I’m trying to settle a case and I suspect that both I and opposing counsel have the exact same number for our maximum authority yet we are still dancing around multiple rounds of haggling and will likely just settle on the number that I suspect is both of our authority. Yet I am being advised I can’t just jump to suspected number yet or else they will expect to settle for less. And they likely won’t jump to suspected number yet or else they think we will expect to settle for more.

    Occasionally, I have good luck saying “look, let’s cut to the chase, I’m going to skip some of the bs rounds if you do too, what do you think of this (high reasonable number) and they respond with (low reasonable number). Others just keep trying to play the game.

    Do you think there is any chance we (society as a whole) can improve this waste of time and find a better way to get to *the number*? I know people build entire careers about being “the negotiator” but I can usually predict what a case will settle for early on and I’m usually right. Why do we have to waste so much time getting there?

    1. I hear you. I had the same thought recently after going to the doctor. Office bills my treatment at waaaay inflated values just so that insurance company can then say they’re only paying 50% — what is the point?

      But on your specific topic, is this a case that is before a judge? Sometimes a judge or court attorney will jump in and mediate something like this. Maybe worth a shot to have an intermediary who’ll know both your bottom lines?

    2. There is a ton of scholarly research that shows the “dance” is necessary. The short version is that although you may claim that your opening offer would be your best offer, the other side doesn’t have confidence that you’re telling the truth about it. The multiple rounds of negotiation allow each side to build trust and confidence in the other side and make sure that the obvious number really is the “real” number. Also, it provides an opportunity (admittedly rare) to take advantage of an unprepared opponent, who may accept an offer that is more advantageous to you than you expected.

      Basically, this is the way we get to “the number.” It’s not a waste of time. It’s how it works. Just embrace it and try to get good at it.

      1. Oh, and the fact that you can predict the outcome doesn’t mean you didn’t need to do the negotiation. Maybe, just maybe, it means you stopped negotiating when you got to the number you expected when you could have kept going and gotten a better deal. Just sayin’…

        2. Seconded – additionally… the dance is what your clients pay you to do. Its a pain, but it gives everyone the comfort that they’re doing what they need to do

      2. Yes – I think you can skip part of the dance when you already know the person or have a working relationship with them.

    3. I’ve been reading the Art of Negotiation by Michael Wheeler and it’s fantastic. Maybe it could help with strategies to avoid get irritated at the seemingly ridiculous process at times.

    4. Or take a seminar like this one, http://www.pon.harvard.edu/, or read their blog.
      I’ve heard some great podcasts lately about negotiation, like the one where a former FBI hostage negotiator talks about buying a car. Plus, it’s worth it to know how to play the game and to practice these skills. Maybe your settlement is small beans right now, but when you end up on the local school board a decade from now and become embroiled in negotiations for a labor contract and can immediately recognize the tricks the other side is pulling, you’ll be glad you had this training and experience.

      Then again, I had an unusual upbringing and actually like this kind of stuff. My father taught negotiation seminars, so we were always getting little lessons on negotiation. Our family meetings were negotiations, even down to where to go for vacation, what my curfew would be (I’d end up with 10:52 and odd times like that due to the back-and-forth), allowance, etc. It’s pretty funny looking back at it. He was in real estate, not law, but it set me up well for being a lawyer.

    6. Honestly, no. I don’t think we can come to a point where we don’t need to negotiate. One side wants more, the other wants to pay less. It doesn’t always meet in the middle and split the difference, and that’s why negotiation exists. It’s for everything–settlements, salary. Heck, I found two pieces of art I wanted, couldn’t afford the price, and offered what I could afford. Luckily, the artist said yes immediately, so the negotiation ended there. But my point is, all transactions have this dichotomy, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing even if it is frustrating.

  2. I have a question for the hive. What do you do when you see someone who has a wardrobe malfunction but appears to be unaware?

    For example, I was at my building’s gym at lunch and there was another lady there working out, and her pants were see through when she bent over. I could see the zebra print on her underwear, and could tell what cut they were, and that was just in my first glance. They weren’t as bad when she was upright, but when she bent over – not much left to the imagination.

    I spent most of my workout trying to decide if I should say anything. Would you have?

    1. I would not say anything to a stranger, except (maybe) for an obviously unintentional malfunction like a skirt tucked in the top of pantyhose.

    2. I wouldn’t say anything, especially since it was at the gym. If it was a close co-worker, maybe I would but I feel like there’s lots of room for wardrobe malfunctions at the gym when you’re trying to get a quick workout in!

    3. Yay! Someone I can help! When I saw a situeation like this at the NYSC where a woman balarina/dancer was doing floor exercise’s, I went right up to the woman and told her that she had a split in her tight’s and 3 men were stareing at her split tight’s (so they could fanticize I supose about beieng with her sexueally. FOOEY!). She was very happy b/c I told her and I also old her about the 3 guy’s who were watching –through the mirror — at her when she did the exercise’s.

      She went back into the locker room and put on another pair of tight’s WITHOUT a hole in them so there was NOTHING for the guy’s to be stareing at. But those 3 guys kept stareing at her anyway, I supose imagineing that they were with her b/c she was so supple! FOOEY!

      I have to prepare a POWERPOINT slide for a meeting the manageing partner is having with the IRS, who is comeing back Friday to go over acrueals. I said Frank should do it, but he want’s me in the game with him (and in the room) b/c Benjamin will be there. I think I am being used as a sexueal pawn b/c men like to see me. I was told to wear all RED with fire engine red lipstick and a white BLOUSE, so I told the manageing partner my white blouse had a marinara stain on it so he gave me $100 to go buy a new one to be ready Friday! YAY! Sometime’s it’s good to be a sexueal pawn!!!!!! Especially when I get a new BLOUSE out of it!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    4. No, but I would go home and check all of my workout pants immediately to ensure the same thing didn’t happen to me.

    5. I know I am an outlier on this, but I would REALLY want to know myself, and it’s almost easier if a stranger tells you because you don’t have to see them all the time and remember your embarrassment. So, I would probably try to discreetly say something, and just hope they didn’t punch me in the face or something. ;o)

    6. I tend to inform strangers of wardrobe malfunctions when they are easily-remedied (TP on shoe, skirt caught in tights), and not to inform when it’s something the person can’t do anything about (i.e. see-through gym pants).

      1. I get your point, but in this case I would try to catch them at the end of their workout/in the locker room and tell them, bc then they could be sure never to wear those pants again!

        1. I was envisioning mid-workout convo and thinking no way would I tell, but you’re right – if I were to run into the person post-workout in the locker room or something, I’d at least consider saying something.

    7. This has been discussed before, and I think the general consensus was to definitely speak up if it was something that could be fixed (zipper undone, skirt tucked into underwear, etc). For anything else, I think it’s a judgment call. I would probably say something if I had a close relationship with that person, but I hesitate to make anyone feel self-conscious when there is nothing they can do about it.

    8. I would say that 80% o f the women I see on my heavily-used urban hike-bike trail are wearing workout pants that are see through in the sun (even while just walking) or result in some horribly unfortunate lines (I’m talking extreme situation, not just minor VPL). I just can’t imagine that it’s possible to not notice or think about this, so I figure that they don’t care and to tell them would come off as rude as if I am telling them that they should care when it’s none of my business. So, I keep quiet.

    9. The one I always see is women who forgot/don’t know to take out the basting stitches on their skirt or jacket vents. I never know if I should say something because what if they genuinely don’t know that this is a thing and then I look rude?

      1. ha. we have a ton of young people on my floor at work. there are about 10 incidents of the basting stitch I want to fix. as in lean close. tell them not to move and rip it out. my hand twitches on the elevator with them

        1. Young person here who knows to cut the basting stitch.

          FWIW I’ve seen women of all ages do this.

      2. I have a new blazer that I wore for two whole work days before noticing that I’d missed the basting stitches on the back, which were bright red. I blame it on getting dressed in the dark (in order to not wake up husband) and not checking out the back view in mirror on the way out the door.

      3. I feel like I want to write a Guide to Being Grown-up to young people (men too). The guide will have two rules:

        1. Cut the basting stitch in jackets and skirts.

        2. Don’t clap between movements.

        1. 3. Reserve the standing ovation for those rare times when you are so strongly moved by the performance that you rise spontaneously and irresistably to your feet.

          1. Or is that irresistibly? Neither looks right, darn it. A cold is trying to come down with me.

    1. The technology in black boxes is from the 1960’s. We’ve had over 50 years to update it, but it just never happened.

      1. I don’t understand why “black boxes” don’t update real-time to some type of cloud server. The technology is clearly there, so why do we need the physical boxes?

    2. I have to confess to not following so closely, but if it’s just “missing” wouldn’t someone on the plane have sent a text message or something?

      1. Yeah I doubt they had cell phone reception in the middle of the pacific while the plane was crashing. And what would the text have said? The GPS coordinates mid crash?

      3. The word choice is a little confusing. By ‘missing’ they mean that it crashed somewhere but they don’t know where. Because of exactly what you said, if it had landed safely somewhere they would have some indication of where it is. So, sadly, it definitely has crashed, they just can’t find the downed plane.

  4. Can anyone comment on the fit of Kate Spade trousers/pants? I am a curvy size 6 with hips. Never bought anything from Kate Spade before. Is the fit like BR, or Theory, or Classiques, etc.? If it’s more for straight up and down figures it definitely won’t work for me. Any advice appreciated.

  5. It’s been several days since my cat may have eaten some floss and she is doing fine. No changes in eating, litter box usage or behavior. She has been her usual energetic self and running around the house in the morning. I’m not entirely convinced she did eat it, but it’s still a mystery of where it went.

    There is the larger issue of marriage problems and I am starting the process of looking for marriage counselors.

    Thanks again to everyone for the kind and supportive comments!

    2. Yay, so glad kitty is doing fine! I was pulling for her. Thanks for the update, and really don’t beat yourself up for things like this! they happen, we’ve all done them, really. ;o)

    3. So glad to hear that your kitty is doing well and that you are taking care of yourself.

      When I still lived at home with my parents, we had a cat that would anything. One time my dad dropped a baby aspirin, and before he could finish bending over to pick it up (so about half a second), the cat zoomed over and swallowed it (I promise that we fed him). Aspirin is definitely a no no for cats, but the cat moved so fast there was nothing my father could do. Luckily the cat never had any problems. They are definitely resilient!

    4. Hooray for kitty! Thanks for updating!

      And also consider some individual counseling, whether or not your husband agrees to joint counseling. Sometimes conjoint counseling with a bully can do more harm than good. (Ask me how I know…)

  6. I’m sure the topic of the so called “Princeton Mom” has been beaten to death, but this morning she was on the Today show. Maybe this is mean girl behavior, but the entire time I was watching I kept thinking to myself, why on earth would she choose to wear something so unflattering? You want women (of any age) to take you seriously and yet you don’t know how to choose a skirt an appropriate length for your figure? Drives me absolutely bonkers.

      1. Oh I know. Her “advice” makes me want to bash my head against something (but then again, that sort of plays right into her advice.) I just had to laugh while I was watching her; she fit every single stereotype I had in my head when that “article” went viral.

      2. HAHA, this was what I said in my brain, too, literally the same words. Just. Can’t.

    2. She already snagged her man back in college, *like she was supposed to!* She’s earned that skirt.

      ;-)

          1. Seriously!? Amazing. I have so many things to say to her, but it’s just a waste of energy and time to say them here.

          2. That’s the saddest part of all her advice, is that it’s not from a smugly content woman trying to say she knows the secret to happiness and it’s to marry a Princeton man, but rather from a bitter unhappy person who thinks that the reason she isn’t happy is because she didn’t marry a Princeton man. It does seem like she has had a successful career though, which is what makes it so weird: the lesson gleaned from the most logical outside look at her life would be that marriage doesn’t always work out, so it makes more sense to have a career to fall back on.

    1. I heard it too and thought “I wonder if the intended audience will be able to find time to read it”. Added to my to-read list, but who knows if I’ll ever get to it.

      1. Very good point. I can read for five minutes at night before falling asleep. My favorite line from the interview was how she had been trying to parent like her (stay-at-home) mother and work like her father. Rang true for me.

        The other part that resonated was about school volunteering. The families at my kid’s schools are probably 80% dual-income, but they operate like it’s the 50’s. That said – the parents do too. At a recent event for my kid’s grade, there were all of 6 parent volunteers, 5 of whom work full time, all women. I estimate there are 200 parents at this grade level. Makes me want to scream.

        1. OMG. This!!! I ask this question flat out at new school tours for preschool – how much do you factor in parent volunteerism? I work full time which apparently is quite far from the norm in my wealthy NYC suburb. Don’t even get me started on the day care director who told me when I was pregnant that my son ‘wouldn’t have friends if I couldn’t host playdates” WTF?

    2. The same thing you’d write in a card for your female coworker (“So excited for you (and other parent)!” “Congratulations!” “Baby is adorable!” (if shower is post-birth) etc).

      Because presumably you wouldn’t be commenting on your female coworker’s pregnant belly or third trimester heartburn in a card anyway…right?

      1. No of course not. It just feels funny to write about a “little bundle of joy” to a man I guess.

        1. Why? This is totally normal.

          “Congratulations!” is all that’s required.

    3. Congratulations on your impending arrival?

      Not being snarky, seriously confused as to what you’d write differently for a female coworker.

      1. I shouldn’t have said male. I don’t know what to write in baby shower cards for anyone, I think this is the first baby shower I’ve ever been to.

        1. No worries :)

          Just some generic so excited for you, can’t wait to meet your son/daughter/etc, congratulations, etc etc type things. Hope you enjoy the shower!

        2. Oh ok, I was imagining you wrote things like “Bet you’re super excited to lose those 50 lbs and stop being a whale!” or “Take the epidural, trust me!” for your female coworkers.

          Generally, people like it when you’re just excited and happy for them, so something generic is fine, like Congratulations, and So happy for you!

  9. Profession ladies, how do you handle sitting next to extremely out of control children when the parents are unable to cope? Not just the usual kid antics, severe bratism.

    The toddler next to me, screamed, kicked, threw cans at other rows the whole flight. The Mother made feeble attempts to control the child that were useless. I told the kid off twice for hitting and kicking me which made the mom was really upset. Did not want to escalate It severely so let it slide.

    Any wise wisdom?

    1. I get the flight attendant involved. I get people can’t control their kid every second, of every day, but half the people are so over sensitive if you tell little Timmy to stop yanking your hair, that I feel like it’s better/safer for me to involve a neutral third party.

      1. Agree; ask the flight attendant, since this is more about the parent than the kid. I would have been absolutely horrified if mine had gone all gremlin on me during a flight, but I know toddlers get weird sometimes and while mine could be distracted, some kids are just harder. (And I do think a lot of that is biology and even the best parents can have difficult children, or kids who are sometimes difficult.) The issue here seems to be that the parent wasn’t doing enough to parent; she should have at least backed you up when you asked her kid to cut it out, even if you were annoyed/curt when you did it – presuming it was more “please don’t hit me!” and not raging. Even if the toddler gets out of control and cannot be calmed down, I think the parents need to show they are doing as much as humanly possible when others are trapped in a plane with your gremlin-toddler.

    2. No wisdom, but let me say this infuriates me. When a child is actually physically hitting another passenger or another person in public, that is inexcusable negligence on the parents’ part. Even the severe screaming and kicking (without hitting someone else) is basically inexcusable unless the parent is actively doing everything they possibly can to make it stop.

      What I guess I would do is say firmly to the child “please do not hit me. That hurts” or something like that that is fair and direct. If the parent objects, I would say “it is not okay for your child to hit me. Please try to prevent that from happening.” If it continued, I would call the flight attendant and ask if there are any other seats available and if there are not, I would somehow try to explain the situation to them…but I imagine that could get awkward fast.

    3. No, but I shudder reading this. I have kids on the autism (and ADHD) spectrum, and at toddler age everyone (including me, for a while) thought they were just little brats. I don’t think I could have coped flying with them and would not have wanted to subject strangers to them, but who knows? Maybe this mother had no choice.

      Even normally decently behaved toddlers have difficulty with flying, traveling, etc. I’m thinking of a toddler as a 2-3 year old. If the kid you’re describing is a verbal, engaged child of 4-5 or more, I’m thinking the parent could do more. Below age 3, it may be very difficult.

      1. Not the OP, but having been assaulted by bratty children, if someone had turned to me and said, I’m so sorry my child has a behavior/disorder/etc, I would immediately ask how I could help. I can understand where people don’t necessarily want to brand their kids with X , but in situations like this it would really help people with compassion/patience and general awareness.

      2. I’ve said this before, and it probably sounds terrible, but my parents dramamine-doped us when we flew a lot when we were antsy toddlers. So we would be drowsy or sleep the entire flight. They would take about half a dramamine and crush it up in a spoon and then mix in some jam or yogurt so we would just eat the spoonful. To this day, grape or apricot jam reminds me of airports, haha.

        Anyway, just trying to say I feel for you, it is hard when you have very physical/spectrum toddlers. Just putting it out there that there are short-term pharmaceutical ways to get short amounts of calm ;o)

        1. I was a super quiet kid, and my mom still gave me dimetap for flights over three hours long. No reason for me to be miserable and make everyone else miserable. If you’re flying every month, maybe you shouldn’t resort to the dramamine every time, but for the occasional flight, I really don’t understand the violent backlash against it.

          1. Well I haven’t experienced any ‘violent’ backlash against it, I just feel like now, as opposed to 30 years ago, when you say you’re drugging your kids it sounds kinda bad ;o)

            Altho, honestly, both my sister and I did actually suffer from motion sickness, so it was partly to prevent that. But my parents deliberately chose the motion sickness drugs that would make us drowsy/sleepy. And now as an adult, I’m glad they did, because I have a Pavlovian reflex to immediately fall asleep on planes Every. Time. and I love it. ;o)

          2. Unfortunately, this can backfire in some children. If they don’t succumb to the drowsiness when it sets in (often at about 15 minutes after the dose) they can fight it and end up ten times worse (slowed thinking, physically feeling exhausted, and belligerent) then they were if you hadn’t tried it.

        2. My mother did this to me too! But it was more of a preventative measure than a behavioral one. I had terrible carsickness as a child. Rather than risk me getting ill in a plane where she could not pull to the side of the road, she would give me the entire children’s dramamine.

          She gave my sister one too – but not for motion sickness. We were drowsy, but not comatose and I remember strangers commenting how pleasant we were. But this was before the age of iPads and Leapsters, there are plenty of distraction tools available now.

    4. I agree with everybody above.
      1. I try to talk to the kid, “ow, that hurts when you kick the seat, you’re kicking me.”
      2. I ask the parent to control the kid, “Hi, your child’s kicking the seat is hurting my back.”

      3. if the parent is not even trying (“oh honey, you shouldn’t do that” is a pathetically limp voice), I give the kid my scariest teacher/crazy person face–the-you know better and if you don’t control yourself I’m gonna bring a can of crazy you can’t handle-face when the parent isn’t paying attention.

      Next time, I’m totally going to involve flight attendants, but sometimes (and lately, MOST times), they’re equally ineffective.

    5. I think that getting the flight attendance is the right thing to do. I was on a flight last night where a 3 year old started up a major tantrum as we pulled away from the gate – screaming, hitting the seats, the whole bit. For some minutes we listed to his mom trying to reason with him. The (male) flight attendant finally got up and offered her juice or a cookie for the kid. Turned out kid was freaking out because he knew his daddy was on the plane but couldn’t see him. Flight attendant picks up the kid and takes him up to daddy, who is sitting in first class (we were in the first row of coach and could see all this going on). Flight attendant was a hero, since the kid shut up immediately, but what kind of j*ck w*d sits in first, within earshot of his screaming toddler, and keeps reading the paper while his poor wife, in coach, tries to calm the kid down. Later, at baggage claim, he left Mom and the barely recovered toddler to struggle with two huge suitcases while he want to get the car. Father of the year.

      1. Um, what?

        My friend’s a divorce lawyer, and I’m pretty sure I would’ve slipped that mom my friend’s business card.

      2. I’m more upset at the thought of rewarding that type of behavior with a cookie.

        1. You choose your battles. Enclosed tin cans with lots of other people just isn’t the hill to die on.

          1. Yup, on planes is the one time when keeping the kid quiet in the short term out of respect for other passengers is more important than teaching long term lessons (no, it shouldn’t be the first or only tool in the box, but I can’t fault anyone for having it in there).

        2. I did wonder what the extra sugar would bring to the situation but they got past the cookie to the go see daddy part immediately.

    6. I’ve been lucky enough to not really experience this to the point that it really affected me, but my stepmom has on numerous occasions walked up and down the aisle with a stranger’s baby that couldn’t stop crying. In those cases, it always looked like the mother was relieved to get a break for a bit. I don’t think I could ever do this because I’m pretty bad with kids, but she has a magic ability to calm babies down so it works for her.

      1. My mom did this once when we were on a redeye flight to Paris. The flight had given the parents a cardboard box to put the kid in (really, as a makeshift bed – it sounds worse written out!), and the kid was just wailing and the parents weren’t doing anything. I think my mom got pretty fed up and just walked over, picked up the baby, and started walking up and down the aisle. But, I don’t think she asked the parents first!! I was horrified by this (I was 20), and I think the parents were too at first, but then I think they realized that she couldn’t really take their kid anywhere so they seemed pretty happy to have the reprieve.

    7. I bring a coloring book and crayons on all my flights and ask the parent if it is okay if the kid colors with me. Sometimes the kid just needs to be engaged and if the parent isn’t engaging and the parent is okay with me engaging, I do. I have most successfully used this strategy when sharing a row with a toddler and parent and I’m the third seat stranger. (WHY they put whiny kid in the middle and not the window is beyond me.)

      I guess if the negligent parent was behind you, you could ask the parent if they want to switch seats while you color/play games with their kid. In one case, I think parent had a fear of flying and was totally doped up and oblivious to kid that needed attention. It depends on what will keep you sane.

      I’d rather not spend my flight babysitting but I’d rather spend it babysitting than listening to incessant wailing.

      1. You m’am are awesome. Situations like these are less about who’s in the right and more about finding a way to make things pleasant for the few hours we are all squished together. Way to be a problem solver! I am stealing this idea.

    8. I would nicely ask the flight attendant if there were any open seats to switch to or nicely suggest to the parent that they switch seats with the toddler so that they’re not right next to you. It’s hard to do in a way that won’t offend the parents, but maybe saying “Oh, it looks like someone’s having a rough day. Would you mind switching?” might work.

    9. I need to add a hysterical story that will totally out me to anyone that knows my husband. My husband is 6’5″ and has a bright red winter puffer jacket. We were in a gas station convenience store one day and a toddler turned to him, screamed at the top of his lungs, and just punched him right in the b@lls and started sobbing. Mom ran over to soothe THE TODDLER and looked to my husband and said, “I’m sorry, he is petrified of clowns and he thought you were a clown in that jacket.” They then left.

      2. I am dying that the toddler’s response to a “scary clown” was to punch him in the b@lls.

          1. I think you are right. I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face. Wasn’t so funny for my husband though. He still wears the jacket that I now refer to as his “clown coat.”

    10. My cousin’s child does this (screams, throws things, hits) every time we see them. Any advice for when it’s someone you know — a family member– and the parents laugh it off?

      1. This is where I’d engage with the kid directly, since you know the parents aren’t going to do it. If the kid is old enough (say 3+ish, depending on the kid), I’d go with a neutral “why did you do that?” or a really simple “please stop ::insert thing kid is doing that’s affecting you::.” (I’ve witnessed my mom use “Why are you yelling?” with a raised eyebrow to awesome effect with troublesome toddlers.)

        Also, you (presumably) don’t want to start a fight with the parents, but at the same time, if toddler hits you, and then parent says “oh haha, isn’t that so funny?” I don’t see anything wrong with saying “no, it’s not, actually.”

      2. agree with KKH. My go-to is “Ow, that hurt. (with an ‘ouch’ face) Please don’t hit me.”
        And if the parents laughed at it, I would ignore them, and say the above anyway. I would focus on only talking to the kid, not try to engage the parents at all, bc they will only get worse as they get defensive.

      3. Make eye contact with the kid, catch the hand that hits you, look at them seriously and say “no, that hurts.” If they try it again, like they are testing you, you calmly repeat “No”.

        Don’t baby talk, don’t soften it. Let them know you are on to the fact that they are doing a bad thing, and that they probably know it.

        1. I’m fine doing this if child is away from parents at the time, but he tends to not leave their side and it feels awkward to parent in front of them, no?

          1. It’s not parenting, it’s interacting with another (admittedly smaller & younger) human being. If the kid is doing something that’s directly affecting you (hitting you, screaming so loudly you’re unable to continue your conversation, throwing things that belong to you or throwing things in your general direction), you’re within your rights (and it’s not really “parenting”) to tell the kid it’s not okay, regardless of parents’ presence at the kid’s side.

          2. As Captain Awkward would say: THEY have already made the situation uncomfortable and awkward by letting their kid hit you and thinking it’s funny. The damage is done. If you let them walk over you just because you are worried about being ‘awkward’ you are the only one uncomfortable and they get off with no consequences. The only way you have a chance of making this behavior change is if you are serious about it, like Mpls says. And FWIW that is the tone I meant in my suggestion, too. I agree, don’t baby talk or soften it. Show that you are hurt and you are upset that the kid is hurting you.

            I will bet you 118 bucks (so I can buy the dress from the earlier post) that other members of the family will actually be so glad that you stood up and finally said something!! They are probably all sick of it, but don’t have the guts to do anything about it.

            And you help dispel the awkwardness by not holding a grudge about it. After the kid stops, you let it go, and change the subject and act normal again. If the kid DOES NOT stop, you leave the room (“I don’t want to play with you if you’re going to hurt me”) Leave the room, go talk to someone else, change the subject. Don’t let it turn into a giant passive aggressive power play, you just call out the behavior when it happens. Tell them to stop, and them move on.

          3. Also, for screaming: “Ow, stop screaming that hurts my ears.” again, said with very serious face. Then becomes “I can’t talk to you when you are screaming.” and leaving the room.

            Throwing: “Don’t throw you might hurt someone.” you just have to be very specific about the behavior and clearly telling them to stop doing it. And then, again, refusing to keep hanging in the same room if they don’t stop. If their parents don’t get the message after a few of those, they are hopeless.

            I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! good luck

          4. I agree with Zora and will do this out at playgrounds, public spaces, etc. Especially now as a parent b/c if my kid sees other kids get away with this stuff he sometimes tries it too. A very calm ‘not nice, we don’t hit’ or ‘hands are not for hitting’ in a totally deadpan voice/facial expression works wonders. My kid immediately reacts to a blank face vs. the happy/animated face we normally use to interact with him.

          5. As for the screaming – look the kid in the eye. They know that screaming gets attention – if you give them unimpressed face and let them know you are on to their game. Sometimes I even tell them “I can yell too, want to have a contest?”

            KKH and zora hit it head on – you are dealing, one on one, with a kid and showing them that you think they are a person. And at that age, they are still learning about what are acceptable boundaries (they are begging to be told what their boundaries are) and they only way they can learn is by pushing beyond those boundaries and having someone push back.

          6. Definitely awkward, definitely need to do it. I don’t do it with stranger’s kids but I absolutely do it with my nieces and nephews whether I’m at their house or they are at mine. “We don’t hit, thank you. It hurts people.” “We don’t throw things, that could hurt other people.” “We need to use our indoor voices, okay?” At my house I will also tell them that it scares the dog to hear them being loud.

    11. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I understand that kids act out but don’t get it when the parents don’t react. I usually ask the parents to do something but like the idea of getting the flight attendant’s help. We were in a similar situation this weekend out at a restaurant. Two little girls were running laps around our table and the parents were nowhere in sight but were in a different part of the restaurant drinking wine. Fortunately the hostess got the kids under control.

    12. My daughter once paid a little boy a dollar to stop kicking her chair at a football game. His older brother who took him to the game was mortified, but couldn’t get him to stop. The dollar worked!

    13. I traveled with my son several times a year for the first 7 years of his life: a couple times to visit family, a couple times for conferences, usually with at least one connection because we lived out in the boonies. Out of all those flights, I can think of two when he misbehaved, and yes, I physically restrained him from kicking the seat in front of him (he had awful things going on in his life that were not the fault of the person being kicked, but really more than he could handle, hence the very unusual behavior). The thing that drives me nuts about people who refuse to stop their kids from misbehaving is the blowback that we got. I can’t tell you how many times people looked at him and shook their heads or looked away angrily when we boarded but then exclaimed in amazement as we were getting off the plane, saying how well behaved he was, what an angel, good as gold, blah, blah, blah. I’d think “well of course he’s not a monster”, but my guess is that they acted that way because of past experiences.

      1. I am a mom, I preface this with that because otherwise there’s always a raft of ‘when you have kids…” lol

        Now. barring some actual reason why a child acts out (autism spectrum, something like that which is outside both the child and parent’s control and all they can do is manage as well as possible) I think almost all of this BS behavior stems from our current societal decision that instilling any kind of fear of you in your child is a dreadful, dreadful thing that will damage poor susie or johnny forever. (Nevermind the fact that these kids are not turning out so well once they are in high school…my son is 13, believe me, it does not get BETTER as they get BIGGER, one look at some of his friends proves that out).
        My son knew, even at TWO, that if I gave him that look and said “Stop it.” he better STOP. What was going to happen if he didn’t? Well, for MY son, he hated, hated, hated being ignored, so he would get to stand in the corner, old-school nose to the wall, while we all ignored his presence. Time depended on age. If he turned around and tried to engage us, time started over. You have to figure out what’s torment for your kid, some would love to sit in a corner and be left alone. But anyway, I find that kids are still capable of being scared of SOMEONE even if not their mother, and I have no problem doing “the look” I give my own kid, and saying in that same Mom-voice. “Stop. It.”

        NEVER say, “please can you stop” or “would you please stop” or whatever. Don’t ASK a three year old, TELL them.

        And now, at 13-14, I can TELL which kids’ parents let them get away with everything. My son had a sleepover party last year, and one of the kids had something which I took away from him because it wasn’t acceptable and they were behaving poorly about it. (I told him he could have it back when he went home.) Kid said “You can try to hide it but I’ll just find it”.
        I leaned in , looked him dead in the eye and said “you don’t know me very well. ” Then I turned to my son and said, you need to explain to your friend how this house works.

        I have no idea what my son said to him but didn’t hear another peep out of that kid.

  10. I’m doing a presentation for my firm tomorrow via video. I am new and in a satellite office so this will be the first impression nearly everyone I work with will have of me. Any tips or tricks from those who have experience with video presentations?

    2. Look into the camera, not a the TV screen. That way, you’ll be “looking” at your viewers.

  11. What are the logistics of bringing your lunch to work? Do you bring it in tupperware, do mason jar salads, etc? Do you bring all days at once or, every day? How do you not look like a bag lady?

    Thanks in advance :)

    1. I bring in frozen Trader Joe’s meals every Monday for the upcoming week.

      My ideal self would bring leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, but my real self usually eats all the dinner no matter how much I cook. The few times I brought leftovers, I just put the Tupperware in my OG. My leftovers can all be put in a single large container. (I don’t eat salad, so I wouldn’t know how to deal with dressing and whatnot.)

    2. I bring it in daily, typically in tupperware, I carry a big bag & just pop it in there. If I’ve switched bags for some reason or it doesn’t fit, I just carry it in a separate tote. I don’t worry about the bag lady effect.

    3. There are probably classier ways to do it, but I put my lunch in a tupperware and then inside a plastic shopping bag and just toss it in my shoulder bag. The shopping bag is in case the tupperware is somehow not attached securely, or for condensation etc.

      I’ve thought about getting an actual lunch bag, but I feel like this would only add to the bag-lady aspect. Would actually take up more space than just tupperware wrapped in plastic bag, etc.

      I bring leftovers 99% of the time- just put the extras from the night before in tupperware. If I absolutely don’t have any leftovers I make a sandwich and bring that, but always just prep the morning of. Some people in my office go to the grocery store once and get fixins for a whole week’s worth of salad or sandwiches, but I’m not that organized I guess.

      1. I do exactly the same with the shopping bag and throwing it in my purse. This is actually one of the biggest considerations for me when I’m considering buying a new purse. Is it big enough to carry lunch AND a pair of shoes? (Very happy with my D&B Dillen II.)

        For salad, there’s a stupidly easy way to do it that I just learned a week ago – put the dressing on the bottom of the tupperware, then put on the sturdier things (almonds, cranberries, chicken strips, grape tomatoes, mushrooms, etc), then the softer things on top of that (lettuce, cucumber). It works, and doesn’t smoosh/wilt the lettuce!

        For everything except salad, soup, and sandwiches (so most leftovers), I bought a cute bento box that holds about the right amount of calories for a lunch (500-700 depending on what you pack). Check out JustBento.com for the calories/bento aspect – also great recipes and ideas. She’s not posting currently, but the archives and recipes are fantastic.

        For the planning, I always try to cook enough to have leftovers the next day(s), and usually make a big pot of soup/stew/casserole on the weekend, eat it for two days or until I get sick of it, then freeze the rest into individual servings to eat later. If I forget to cook or order pizza for dinner, I just grab a serving and thaw it for lunch that day.

    4. Tupperware for salads (I have one in a bowl shape). It fits in my large tote. I keep a bottle of balsamic vinegar at work. I bring it every day.

      1. I use the round glass pyrex which adds weight but can’t be heated / doesn’t get stained (if I’m having enchiladas or chili).

    5. I either bring leftovers (I separate it out right after I’m done cooking so I’m not tempted to eat a double portion) or prepare my lunches while making dinner. So I’ll sometimes make a quinoa salad while I’m making dinner and it’ll be enough for 2-3 lunches so I’ll put those in tupperwares in my fridge and then grab one in the morning plus snacks. I use those reusable totes that they give you when you’re shopping – I can either fit it in my bag, or I hold it in my hand and can usually fit it in my bag on the way home.

      I’m the world’s worst morning person so I have to have everything prepared in advance or I just don’t bring my lunch.

    6. I have 4″ square glass containers for my main dish because I don’t want to microwave my food in plastic, and smaller plasticware for cold foods. I just throw everything in the small size whole foods bag or another small reusable shopping totes (lululemon bags seem to be popular in my building for this purpose).

      1. Not sure if you care, but I took care of this by bringing a real plate in–I heat my food up there so I can bring plastic tupperware!

    7. I bring a salad every day. I have a tupperwear container that I use (it has different little sections so I can keep thing separate until I mix it up.) I have a cute little cloth bag I carry it in. So I typically carry that bag and my purse. I have a larger bag that I take occasionally with my laptop/files but not every day.

    8. I bring a Built lunch bag with my food in a Tupperware each day. I often have a bag carrying my work shoes, which I try to consolidate when possible.

    9. I use glasslock because they are leak proof and can go directly into the microwave. I bring flatware every day. When I was transit/foot commuting, I used plastic and kept plates/flatware at work to keep down weight.

      I put it all in a Built Gormet Getaway. Fantastic bag, great size, enough stretch for some flexibly, moderately insulated, and machine washable.

      I carry that and my purse. When I was transit commuting, I had both in a larger tote.

  12. Do any of you ladies know if there exists a body lotion that also exfoliates / prevents ingrown hairs from shaving or waxing? I use TendSkin usually, but you need a moisturizer after that and I’d rather only use one product. I was thinking that something with AHAs may work, but the only thing I’m seeing are lotions for your face that come in smaller bottles.

    1. I’ve tried everything, including TendSkin and Whish Flawless with not great results. My waxer just turned me on to PFB Vanish and it is a miracle product! I’ve only been using it for a few weeks but I’m really impressed.

    2. Have you tried Bikini Zone? I also feel like I saw something at Target marketed for ladies, maybe SheaMoisture . To minimize razor burn, I’ve used my husband’s sensitive skin after-shave and it seems somewhat moisturizing.

    5. Amlactin! It is the only thing that has worked for me, and I feel as if I’ve tried everything. I exfoliate, then shave, and use it right after I dry off. It STINGS for 30 seconds pretty badly, but I’m left with moisturized skin that no longer gets deep awful constant ingrowns. Worth it! I’ve tried using it other times to minimize stinging, but feel that the results were not as good (like it didn’t sink in enough). Costco has big bottles for a great price.

      1. You might also try dry brushing. It seems to at least discourage in-grown hairs for me.

    8. Not a moisturizer but I’ve been amazed by Bliss’ Ingrown Eliminating pads! They’re seriously amazing!

  13. I posted this in the comments for another post, but it was suggested that I post it here too. I’d love any input y’all have!

    I am recently engaged. I am starting a clerkship in September 2014 that ends in late August 2015. I am having trouble deciding when to have the wedding. Some time during the clerkship? The week after it ends (I don’t have post-clerkship employment lined up, could having a later date I am available to start present a problem? I’m not crazy about the idea of a hot August/early Sept wedding either)? Just plan a date at some point after the clerkship ends and hope it works out with my next employer? Between the bar exam and clerkship would be ideal, but I don’t think it is realistic. I also doubt I’ll have my next job lined up for at least a year, and that seems like a long time to wait to set a date.

    To answer some questions previously asked:

    The clerkship is in the area where we currently live and hope to stay.

    The wedding will probably be somewhere within a 5.5 hour drive of the clerkship location.

    I expect the hours will be mostly 9-5 or 8-5ish, not 60 hours per week.

    Thanks!

    1. I haven’t done a clerkship, but friends who have done them have mostly not taken any vacation, especially during a clerkship that’s only 1 year. A marriage/honeymoon is definitely different than a normal vacation, but it still might be best to plan it before or after your clerkship. Firms and companies are not generally wild about people starting and taking a vacation right away, but a wedding is a special circumstance. I’d plan the wedding for whenever you like after the clerkship ends and not worry too much about your start date at your potential employer. If the wedding is August/September, you can probably push your start date back, if its October, you could probably start late August, work for a couple months and then take some time off.

    2. I got married at the very beginning of my clerkship and took two weeks off, but I knew that was happening and informed the Judge during the interview process, so the Judge made the decision to hire me knowing that upfront. (It helped that it was an off-cycle clerkship that needed to be filled on relatively short notice, so I didn’t have the same amount of time to rearrange my life in anticipation of the clerkship that most clerks do.) If you’ve already accepted the clerkship, I definitely wouldn’t plan on getting married during the clerkship – vacations during a clerkship are basically unheard of, especially a vacation of the length you’d need to take for a wedding + honeymoon.

      As LH suggested, either get married right after the clerkship ends (a firm usually isn’t going to refuse to hire you because you need to start Sept. 15 instead of Sept. 1 if they otherwise like you for the position), or plan the wedding for what you expect would be 2-3 months into the new job, and be upfront about it during the recruiting process. Most employers won’t begrudge you two weeks or so of vacation to get married, you just want to make sure you’re not taking the time one week into a new position if you can avoid it.

      1. I agree with both of these comments. My friend went to do a clerkship and only took about one week off for paternity leave, and he arranged that in advance with his judge.

        If you want to get married during your clerkship, delay the honeymoon. A lot of people are taking belated honeymoons these days. This way you only have to take 1-2 days off for the wedding itself.

        1. I disagree, but it depends on your judge. Both of the other clerks that I worked with took vacations (about a week and a half each). The clerk from the year before got married during her term. My judge only asked that the clerks all coordinate and not take off at the same time.

          In the area where I clerked, litigation slows down in the summer, especially in August when a lot of judges take vacation. My suggestion is to have your wedding whenever you want. If you are still concerned about taking too much time off, push off the honeymoon until after the clerkship.

          1. Agree with this. Taking vacation was normal and expected during my clerkship, and at least two clerks got married during their terms.

    3. I’d plan for whenever you like post clerkship, with the assumption that you will take no more than 2 weeks off. Most employers will understand that you have a wedding planned, and you can’t just not plan things in life because of potential job complications.

    4. Depending on how large/involved you intend your wedding to be (and if you are cool with splitting the wedding from the honeymoon), I think you could reasonably take a couple of days off sandwiched around a weekend for the wedding itself and plan your honeymoon for post-clerkship. If you want to do everything all at once, and don’t mind a long engagement, then I agree with the other commenters that post-clerkship is the way to go.

    5. Summers were incredibly slow in the district I clerked–my judge usually took Fridays off and encouraged his clerks to do the same. He also took two 1 week vacations during the Summer/Spring and encouraged his clerks to vacation during that time. So there would have been a lot of time to get married. :)

    6. If you haven’t already, contact the current clerks and inquire about your particular judge’s vacation policy. My judge (Federal) allowed one week of vacation coordinated with the other clerks. But, our court was closed for a week of Spring Break and our year ended December 15.

    7. I am in a similar situation, and am having the wedding + honeymoon at the end of my clerkship. But as with some of the other judges, my judge is not a fan of vacations, and I am planning to take quite a long honeymoon before returning to my firm. One of my co-clerks is doing the same, and it seems to be relatively easy to plan and coordinate.

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