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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Stretch Tweed Zipper Multicolor Jacket

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Kay Unger Stretch Tweed Zipper Multicolor JacketThis stretch tweed jacket from Kay Unger looks absolutely lovely — I love the soft combination of colors, the flayed notch collar, and the peplum details. I'd probably be boring and keep this jacket in my office to throw on over black (and navy and other neutral) sheath dresses and otherwise all-black outfits, but with a bit of play I'll bet it would look great with more interesting purple or even yellow underlayers. It was $255, but is now marked to $139 at Bluefly. Kay Unger Stretch Tweed Zipper Multicolor Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

264 Comments

  1. I love the texture and colors of this tweed with the modern look. Alas, it doesn’t come in petite sizes though.

    2. It is very nice, Kat! Great selection! I will show ROSA, but she gave me a bum lead with Earnie! Fooey on him and his trust fund. I am CONVINCED that guy’s like that get divorced b/c they think way to much of themselves, and while I have NOT met his EX, I am sure she got sick of the wining for sex that he started in with me with. DOUBEL FOOEY! What woman want’s to listen to a guy wine about not getting enough sex? What was I suposed to say? Sorry for your situeation, here, let’s go back to my place where you can poke and prod all you want with me? FOOEY on that! I have better thing’s to do then be a sex cushion for some schmoe who want’s to do pushup’s on me. Even Alan had a littel discretion, NOT wining in public about wanting sex. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      I am stunned that we are now staying here all b/c Madeline — OUR real estate lawyer, did NOT have us put a binder down. I did NOT read the lease, but it must have said SOMETHING!?! I want an office with a window, not a door that look’s over to Frank’s office and the toilet. FOOEY! I will ask dad if he could have a guy help us find space. The manageing partner does NOT seem to care about anything but Margie’s pregneancy. I am sure he does NOT wine about anything w/her b/c she is much younger then him and she obviouseley does NOT mind haveing sex with him and they now have a child on the way! YAY!!!!!!

    3. I am with you on loving the color and texture. This year I am all about colored/patterned jackets to go w my large collection of solid pants instead of being so matchy-matchy. I am also petite tho and I find the peplum/short jacket doesn’t work for me at all. I thought petites were supposed to look best in short jackets but esp with the peplum they make me look like I have no shape at all.

    4. Agreed with loving this jacket- do you guys think it’s still too wintery? or would it be springy enough to last through another season?

        1. Ditto. I even see it working in summer because of the colors and somewhat deconstructed fit – with air conditioning, obviously, since it’s acrylic/polyester.

          It’s beautiful. I was ready to hate it because I assumed from the name that the zipper would be obvious, but it’s not. Love the color, texture, and peplum-ish shape.

    5. There was a matching dress to this jacket but it appears to have sold out. I ordered and returned this jacket because the colors were much brighter in person. The shape was very flattering though.

  2. Immediate threadjack: My wedding planner (I got married two years ago) just sent me an invitation to her baby shower for her 5th child (I only mention that b/c I thought that it wasn’t really the norm to have a baby shower after your first?) that’s only 2 weeks away. She’s registered at 5 different stores. It almost seems like a gift grabbing thing to me. But, I do like her and I don’t want to break off a relationship with her (we aren’t close or anything but we have a nice casual relationship). Would 50 dollars be an appropriate amount to send here? TIA.

        2. I would send a card and a few board books (or a board book and a $25 gift card to one of the stores where she registered).

      2. I’m curious why you all would decline to go? Sure, I dislike baby showers generally, but there’s nothing here that shouts “don’t go” unless OP just doesn’t want to but I didn’t pick that up from the post.

        1. She said they’re not particularly close, it seems gift grabby, and the shower is pretty soon (i.e., might have other plans already). Even if I didn’t have plans, I would be unlikely to go if we weren’t that close, since that means I probably won’t know many people, if any, there besides the honoree.

        2. I hate going to those things anyway – so long! on a weekend! time I should be with the kids! – and OP said they weren’t close friends.

        3. A wedding planner from two years ago? That’s barely even an acquaintance– it’s a service provider, and not even a current one. With a fifth child! Total gift grab, and probably not a good time unless they happen to know a lot of the same people.

    2. Yeah, you’re right that it’s odd to have a shower for a 5th child. Although we took up a collection (rather than throwing a shower) for a choir member so she could buy the crib or stroller she wanted because she had a surprise 3rd baby and had given everything away.

      That said, it’s not worth quibbling over if you just want to be polite and send something. I wouldn’t send money. If it were me, I’d give a gift card that could be used for consumables – like Target. But that’s me.

          1. For your former wedding planner who was more of an acquaintance than friend? Wow, you are generous. I know I’m at a different financial place in my life, but I would probably only do $20 (or possibly even just a “congrats” card). $50 would be for cousins or actual very close friends (and maybe not even that much).

          2. Well, I don’t have a former wedding planner who is an acquaintance but I was just going by the fact that I don’t think a gift card for under $50 is useful. If I were going to spend less than $50, I’d do a board book and card. Perhaps a better choice, but I guess I was thinking that for a 5th child, consumables would be the best choice.

    3. Wow. I think every child should be celebrated, and I think it is especially important to have a baby shower for later kids, like this one, for the benefit of the mother’s state of mind, if nothing else. BUT. I also absolutely do not think she should be throwing the shower herself, and I was under the impression that when baby showers are for later children, there aren’t really presents involved. Just a party. It’s usually assumed they have everything they need by the time number five rolls around, right?

      1. Maybe 5th baby is a surprise and she gave everything away and needs new stuff? However, given the situation here, I think I’d decline and send a small $20 to $30 gift.

      2. I think that after 1, I’ve seen more festive group lunches / brunches honoring the mother (usually just her). Sometimes “festive lunch with presents” (presents half of the time = gift cards) when the child is of a different gender than the current child/ren or if there has been a long gap in between (things are usually given away).

        A $25 gift card to Target is what I’d do (will usually be spent on a big box of diapers), if I did anything.

        Totally agree that you don’t throw yourself a shower. Sending out birth announcements usually nets a flood of gifts (even for non-firstborns), so this does seem grabby.

        1. That’s what I did for #2, who came when #1 was only 18 months old. Just a brunch with my parents and a couple of friends. No need for a “shower,” and no need to invite everyone I’ve ever met.

        2. Why shouldn’t you throw yourself a shower? Not all of us have friends or family nearby that can do this sort of thing for us.

          2. I get that a lot of people feel that way, I just really don’t understand it. You’re providing people with a meal (usually) and asking them to celebrate something with you that’s a big deal in your life. Should you just not have a shower if you don’t have someone in your life and in your town who wants to and is able to plan it for you? And how is this different from throwing yourself a birthday party, or a housewarming party, or a wedding, which also involve gifts?

          3. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but yes. If no one wants to throw you a shower then you don’t get one. It’s just poor form in my mind to ask folks to buy you things, which is the main purpose of a shower. I’m not crazy about people hosting their own weddings and birthday parties either, but it’s less gift grabby than a shower in my mind.

          4. I agree on showers, but not on weddings or birthday parties – for weddings, you get to actually control what kind of event you have if you pay for it & for birthdays, I think when the person who’s birthday it is is the host, that’s a lot nicer than expecting your friends to take you out for a meal or throw you a party – the former costs the birthday person money, the latter costs the friends money.

          5. Showers (bridal and baby) are about honoring the bride or mom to be. It’s weird to host the event honoring yourself. Most wedding invitations say the mother and father of the bride invite you to celebrate the wedding, but even when the bridge/groom are hosting I still think it’s different because you’re asking people to be witnesses to your commitment. It isn’t just like come celebrate ME! Most ceremonies have a part about the important of the community in supporting the marriage. It is considered very very tacky to host showers yourself because they are really just celebrations of YOU and gift grab. Usually opening gifts is a central part of the shower in a way that it wouldn’t be for something like a birthday party or wedding.

            Also, if you have nobody in your neighborhood to host… who is going to attend? Why wouldn’t you have a shower in your hometown or wherever your family/friends are located?

          6. I think anyone can throw themselves a party. Parties are fun! I like parties! But a shower is about “showering” the honoree with gifts, and its just in bad form to throw a party as an adult where the theme is “bring me presents!”

          7. Yeah I agree I like the bday parties where the host pays, whether that’s the birthday boy/ gal or not. And I totally support the idea that couples should pay for their own weddings. I just think its lovely when the parents, or aunt Linda, or dear friend, ect requests the pleasure of my company.
            In any event, I really hate the notion that because someone has provided food or drink then it’s ok to demand gifts. In my mind what makes the shower ok is that it’s not the guest of honor’s doing, that some close friends thought to do this for her, out of feelings of warmth and affection. It gets real vulgar when folks assume they’re entitled to a shower . If you’d like to celebrate the moment with friends, you invite them for lunch, dinner , ect, but you don’t throw yourself a shower.

    4. Eh, the way you describe it, the event itself does sound a touch gift-grabby, but if you genuinely like this person and want to keep the friendly/casual relationship, I agree with others that declining the invite + small gift ($20-50, depending on your personal budget) would be entirely appropriate.

    5. I’d RSVP No, not send a gift, send a card once she’s had the baby and not think anything more about it.

      3. Agree. Send a card. No gift.

        Not sure you would feel the need to maintain a professional network connection with this person. I don’t anticipate ever using my wedding planner’s services ever again.

    7. She probably liked you and enjoyed working with you at your wedding and thought “hey, let me see if Romey wants to come”. I wouldn’t read a sour motive here, and would probably bring or send some kind of $25-ranged gift.

      I threw a surprise baby shower for my sister’s 5th baby. After four boys, number five was a girl. Everyone brought frilly girl outfits. It didn’t come off as a gift grab, in my opinion, but rather just indulging in the super-pink-fest after all the years of monster trucks.

  3. Sorry for the threadjack, but I have been hit with a pretty bad case of the runs and on the morning of an important presentation. The two previous attacks had sent me to the hospital, causing me to miss 2 other important presentations. I really wanted to go straight to the hospital this morning, but even though colleagues and managers know about my condition, the demands of the business are such that I am afraid missing this 3rd presentation (over a period of 2 months) would cause me to lose credibility.

    Is there a support group (offshoot from this site) for IBS and other digestive issues? I’m just having a really hard time and wondering if I’m going to implode my career and get trapped behind a wall of illness. Yes, I know I’m being melodramatic, but the timing of this latest attack could not be worse.

    Thanks to all who read through this screed.

    1. I don’t know anything about IBS, but I’m wondering if the stress of the presentations is what’s causing your IBS to flare up? If you know a presentation is coming up are there any preventive things you can do the day/morning before? Sorry if that sounds naive. I really feel for you, that’s such a tough situation.

        1. That’s for IBD and not IBS, though… They are often mixed up (and have similar symptoms), but not actually the same thing. I’m sure many of the tips on how to cope and support for those of us who could have a bathroom stall named after us at work could be combined, but it is important to distinguish between the two.

        2. Agreed. My husband has IBD, and it is a very serious condition that often involves blood loss, surgery, immunosuppressive drugs, etc. While IBS is certainly no picnic, it is thought to be primarily a motility disorder with fewer systemic complications (meaning, while it sucks, it’s not usually a symptom of your entire immune system being out of whack).

          The CCFA really is a great organization, though I haven’t been able to find a support group for us to go to locally.

    2. Oh no! I’m so sorry. A friend of mine has IBS, and I know there are support sites, and in-person meetings as well. Maybe LilyB is right, and I hope that you find a group that can offer some advice on how to manage stress so that it doesn’t become a vicious circle where you worry about IBS, so it happens, so you worry…

    3. I know TCFKAG and Blonde Lawyer have an informal e-mail list for people who read this site who suffer from Crohn’s and related issues. Hopefully one of them will show up and give you the info. I’d say feel better, but that almost seems flip. In any event, I hope you are able to make it through your meeting ok.

      1. Hi! We do have an off site email list. You can email me at projectmundaneart@gmail.com and I will forward it to the group. Half the battle with IBS is making sure you have the correct diagnosis. Sometimes it really is *just* IBS but other times it is crohns or colitis or celiac or some other food intolerance. Stress can really make mine worse too.

        Obviously I’m not a doctor and you should get medical advice before trying to self treat but here are some of my tips. I take a lot of immodium if I’m sure I’m just flaring and not getting over food poisoning or something. I sometimes take 3 or 4 of the advanced anti-gas kind. If there is any chance you have a blockage though (are you throwing up too?) then that would be a bad idea. I have a prescription antispasmodic that helps with the feeling of having to go after I’m already empty. Your primary can prescribe those. I try to get in front of my stress and sometimes that means taking a xanax the night before a big event.

        Sometimes I need gut rest. You need fat, protein, calories, sugar, etc but you don’t need *food* in the traditional sense. I find a day or two of liquids only gets me reset.

        When I’m already really sick I really get dehydrated. I’m guessing that is why you were thinking of going to the ER. Pedialyte is your friend. I like the clear kind. I will drink two full bottles on a sick day if I’m pushing through at work.

        I’m kind of open about my issues. If I’m in a depo for example and know I’m not feeling well, I will, off the record, say “I have a medical issue acting up today. I don’t want to reschedule but I will likely have to take some unexpected breaks. If they are poorly timed, I’m not trying to be rude, I have no choice.” That often will make me feel so much better. Half the issue is working that we will be approaching the key question and I will look like a jerk asking to break. When everyone knows it is for a medical issue, I feel better. I’m also not shy about asking to break as often as I need to though I know it can be really embarrassing when it is 3 times in thirty minutes.

        It can’t hurt to try an elimination diet. I did clean by Dr. Junger. I am now dairy free, gluten free and realized I’m allergic to avocados. My symptoms have improved dramatically (very little urgency now) since I made that change.

        There are some great support groups out there. The Crohn’s group on healing well . com was an amazing resource to me in the early days. They have a UC and IBS one too. If those are less active, you can always read and lurk on the Crohn’s one.

        I was misdiagnosed for many years. The plus side of that is I was told nothing was wrong with me so I learned to just work through the sickness as crazy as it sounds. The more times you make it through a day sick the easier it becomes.

        Consider therapy too. I got really anxious and depressed at one point about it limiting my life. What helped the most is a friend that pulled me aside and said “look, you can go through life not having fun and rarely leaving your house. Or, you can realize that someday, you might poop your pants in public, you will be embarrassed, you will shower and change and move on, but you will have lived your life doing all the things you wanted to do and not let the fear of that potential bad experience stop you.

        I also made a big chart and wrote out all the times I was worried and was fine, worried and got sick but was fine, worried, got sick and it was bad and I wish I hadn’t gone, didn’t worry and was fine, didn’t worry and got sick and was fine, didn’t worry and got sick and it was bad and I wish I hadn’t gone. I realized there were very few “didn’t worry” times and very few “it was bad shouldn’t have gone” times and tons in the middle. Seeing it all written out made me realize the odds were in my favor that I would be okay even if I did take a ton of bathroom breaks.

        1. This is awesome and inspiring. Thanks for taking the time to write this out – I’m impressed with your attitude and action.

        2. Thanks for sharing this. I like to refer to my gut issues as “the loop of poop,” which always makes me smile, but your approach to living with chronic bowel issues is really inspiring.

        3. Adding one more. Bathroom mapping and having control are also key when I’m sick. If I have to go anywhere for work I drive and often will ask to drive alone. I tell them I’m not feeling well and want to stop as often as I need to and they can still get there on time. I leave extra early to get anywhere so I can stop. I call ahead and find out where the bathroom is at my destination, if I need a key and who I can get a key from. Sometimes when seconds count, knowing those answers matter.

          I use all sorts of apps and google maps to find what exits along my route have bathrooms. Knowing in my head I am only five minutes from a bathroom helps. In my worst days I kind of pretended I was playing an old school car racing game with the little check points along the way. Each bathroom was a checkpoint to pass.

          Immodium and being sick can make your mouth so dry you can barely talk. Make sure you always have water and if you are somewhere where you can’t bring it (one random court house in my district) have some kind of mint or hard candy that doesn’t make you sick but will give you some saliva in an emergency. Cough drops can be good for this as no one is going to fault you for needing a cough drop in court though they may frown on candy in court.

          Find private bathrooms too. I try to find one a little out of the way so when we all take a break, I am using a different bathroom then the rest of the group. That can really help with the privacy aspect of it.

          “Just a drop” and “poo poori” also help with the smell. You add it to the water before you go and they are tiny and fit in your purse.

          Baby wipes are also your friend.

          2. Apps –

            My favorite is iexit – no matter where I am it shows everything 1.5 miles from me – gas station, coffee shops, hotels, hospitals, all places with bathrooms.

            AroundMe is sometimes useful.

            AAA used to have an app but I haven’t updated it. I heard Charmin might have one too but I haven’t tried it.

            Certain highways have websites that list all of the one highway rest areas. When traveling long distance on those roads I just keep the website tabbed open.

        4. To add on to the pedialyte train, I found these on amazon and they’re so much more convenient than lugging around bottles of pedialyte:
          1. RecoverORS Adult Clinical Rehydration Powder for Food Poisoning, Hangovers, Diarrhea
          2. Saltstick Electrolyte Capsules (100/bottle)

          I don’t have IBS but I understand how challenging it can be to manage a chronic condition. Blonde Lawyer gave great advice.

    4. I don’t know tons about IBS either, but would Imodium or something like that work yo get you through the presentation?

    5. Slowly increase the time between pumping- 15-30 min at the most in the beginning. Also, reduce the amount of time you pump for – start with reducing by 5 minutes – your body will stop producing as much if the demand is lower.

      However, I would like to urge you to consider freezing as much milk as you can while you are producing so well. I produced a lot of milk in the beginning, but at 4 months, my milk dropped significantly. Luckily I had pumped enough to get us to 11 months before I had to start supplementing with formula. (We started solids at 6 months.) If you are unable to store that much, have you considered donating your milk? There are babies who could really use it!

    7. I have very similar issues. The last two major depositions I did I ended up getting violently ill (both ends) for hours before or hours after. I’m generally able to pull it together and do the depositions, though it’s very difficult. Since I’m usually traveling when this happens, I travel with lots of medicine prepared for any stomach situation. When it hits, I force myself to take a hot bath, which helps to calm me down overall. It’s happened so many times to me (including on my wedding day) that I’m pretty used to it now and expect it. I do really worry though that I will never be able to do a trial on my own bc I just couldn’t stomach (ha!) being sick for 2 weeks straight. I have ulcerative colitis but I think this is more due to stress and anxiety. A friend of mine that has similar issues has been prescribed anxiety meds for when she has something big coming up at work. I haven’t gone that route yet but I am seriously considering it.

      I’m happy to discuss with you by email and would also be interested in any type of group to discuss this in a larger setting.

      1. There seem to be several of us! I have ulcerative colitis, with “nervous tummy” on top of it. So sometimes if I’m doing something high stress and work related, I’m not sure if it is a “flare” in the traditional sense, or just my stupid nervous IBS acting up. Double on horse shows – I just know to get up an hour or two early on show days to let my tummy work itself out.

        .25 of a xanax helps sometimes, but not always.

      2. Obviously not a doctor, but your bouts seem tied to anxiety or high stress situations. I too have suffered from IBS/nervous tummy. I thought it was just how I would have to live until I started going to therapy and taking anti-anxiety medication. Now I will still have minor flareups, but with the skills I learned from therapy and some deep breathing exercises, I can work through even the worst days of it.

        IBS is tough because it’s so connected to your nervous system. I highly recommend anyone suffering from this to not only try and get it diagnosed correctly by a doctor, but to pursue some mental health avenues. Can’t hurt!

    8. I’d use immodium to get through the emergency, but look into a Low-FODMAP diet. I suffered for a really long time, and I’ve been entirely symptom free for going on a year at this point, with no other changes

      1. Second this. I suffered for more than a decade before a single GI actually talked to me about my diet, rather than trying to diagnose me with pills. (IBS is a frustrating diagnosis in and of itself, but that’s another issue.)

        Even then, my GI was full of garbage when it came to diet. The high-starch, bland-foods, low-residue diet was the opposite of what I needed. I basically follow the low-FODMAP diet but I’m grain-free. I’ll probably be medicating for the rest of my life, but diet has helped my symptoms 80-90%. I don’t cry every day because I’m in so much pain anymore.

        The best thing you can do for your long-term quality of life and happiness is to be very (1) scientific and (2) honest about what you’re eating and how it makes you feel.

  4. Baby TJ. Any tips for reducing br3ast milk supply? I’m making double what my baby needs and I’d like to be able to go longer than 3 hrs without pumping. (I pumped 39 oz the other day when i was at school all day, after nursing 3x in the morning.) TIA!

    1. Leave your breasts fuller and pump less. Yes, there will be some discomfort while your body adjusts to the change. The less “demand” you place on your body for milk, the less it will produce.

        1. Absolutely — I have reduced how often I pump but I become engorged after 3 hours.

          1. If it’s really bad, just tack on 15 minutes (so, 3.25 hours), stay there for a week, then tack on another 15 minutes… etc.

      2. Yes, but do it SLOWLY. Add 1/2 hour between pumping at the most. If you try to cut down too quickly you may get mastitis which is NOT FUN AT ALL (I had it twice).

        1. Ditto to all of this. If, as you’re trying to decrease your supply, you start feeling feverish or get this red wedge-shaped rash on your chest, call your OB asap. Mastitis is MISERABLE and comes on very quickly.

          1. My biggest challenge is that I don’t have any sort of schedule. My baby is only 4 weeks old and I started pumping because my pediatrician told me to.

          2. Aha. Supply doesn’t even regulate until 12 weeks, so you may just be making way too much until then.

            And also – I would only pump as needed, if you are making a ton – like don’t pump when you are at home and feeding the baby anyway, just pump when you are at school.

          3. Four weeks is young. Most resources say 6-12weeks for supply to be established. My supply didn’t really regulate until about 14 weeks. So I wouldn’t cut down too dramatically at this point, but you can certainly add a bit of time between pumping sessions. Baby doesn’t need to be on a schedule… baby probably won’t be on a schedule for quite some time. I’m guessing the pump is doing a better job emptying you than the baby so you’re tricking your body that you need to me making more than you really do…

          4. If your baby is only four weeks, you can also expect your supply to decrease naturally over time. Definitely don’t pump except when you really need to, and try using ice packs to deal with some of the engorgement.

          5. I agree with all this. It took me at least 8-10 weeks to have a regulated supply that actually matched my babies’ needs. For my first kid, I was so paranoid about my supply that I pumped all the time and ended being an overproducer for the entire time I nursed. I was a little less neurotic with the second and didn’t have as much of an issue. Honestly, I’d just give yourself time for your production to match your baby’s needs.

          6. Whaaaat!!! I have 10 more weeks of engorgement & pumping h3ll?! Oh man. I’m seeing a lactation consultant on friday.

          7. At 4 weeks, this can be normal and naturally sort itself out. I would pump and freeze. You can use this when you go back to work. Good luck!

          8. I’d just hand-express if you get uncomfortable. It’s a great skill to have — you can do it in the shower, for example, to relieve pressure in between feedings until your schedule settles down.

        2. I hope we didn’t scare you and that the LC has some helpful suggestions! When my supply regulated, it was like a switch. I went from hating every second to not minding it one bit and I am very thankful that BFing worked out for me.

    2. I slowly stretched out the amount of time between pumping. So if I was going 3 hours, I would do 3.5 for several days, then 4, etc. until I arrived at an amount that was slightly more than what my baby needed and stuck with that until it was time to reassess (i.e., finally started consuming enough solids to decrease the amount of br3ast milk needed).

      1. Yup. Also, “slightly more than needed” is always better – better to have too much than too little. I always got stressed if my supply dipped.

      2. Also kellymom dot com is an amazing resource for all things related to br3astfeeding.

        1. Kellymom is the BEST resource for all things BF. Its evidence based information from doctors, nurses and IBCLCs, not just mom-to-mom general advice. Its my go to advice for all new moms – bookmark this site!

          If you have oversupply overall (which you probably do if you pumped that much in one day) this is a good place to start: http://kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/supply-worries/fast-letdown/ (the section labeled Adjust your supply to better match baby’s needs)

    3. I recall that peppermint (like drinking peppermint tea) will reduce supply, but your best bet is spacing out the sessions — add 30 min between sessions to start.

        1. Can you take Sudafed while BFing? Genuinely curious, because I’m on Claritin-D (so Claritin + generic sudafed for those who don’t know allergy meds) and my doctor said that when I start TTC (which is some time off) that I will have to drop the +sudafed. Again, babies are far off for me, but I had always operated under the assumption that if it’s not safe during pg, it’s not safe while BFing, and I’ve had this general fear of going years without my daily decongestant. (#firstworldnatureloverproblems, I know)

          1. From what I understand it can affect your supply, so it is not recommended during breastfeeding.

    4. Not what you asked, but consider donating your milk. There are lots of moms with the opposite problem who would love to supplement with breast milk and not formula.

        1. There is a milk bank association that has a website. I thought about it, but there were enough drug restrictions that I didn’t do it (not giving up my allergy meds). I think it’s mainly for preemies / hospitals to use. I know that sometimes people who lose their babies have done it when their milk comes in until they can taper off. There may be a hospital near you in it. If you go on the blog at motherwear dot com, I know she mentions it and has done it.

          1. My local parents of multiples group often coordinates this sort of thing, both for mothers of multiples who can’t produce enough and other families known to the organization who need help (e.g., a mother becomes very sick and can no longer take care of her baby).

        2. I have a friend with a baby who lives in the NYC area. She had breast cancer before getting pregnant, and could not nurse. She relied on donated milk for her baby, and was so appreciative of all those mothers who helped her. She has now had a second baby and is using donated milk again.
          I would try calling your local LaLeche League; I am sure that they know of how one goes about donating milk.

        3. I have a friend with a baby who lives in the NYC area. She had breast cancer before getting pregnant, and could not nurse. She relied on donated milk for her baby, and was so appreciative of all those mothers who helped her. She has now had a second baby and is using donated milk again.
          I would try calling your local LaLeche League; I am sure that they know of how one goes about donating milk. If you are not comfortable doing that, I will be happy to put you in touch with my friend, who I am sure could get you to the right people.

        4. Ask your LC at your appointment on Friday, they should be able to get you the info. In Ohio the process is to freeze the extra milk and then once you have a certain amount they will ship you a cooler and a FedEx label which you fill and drop off. Google tells me this is the only milk bank licensed in New York, but your LC may know of another more local one: http://www.wakemed.org/landing.cfm?id=135

        5. How do you know that donated milk is good for your baby? What if the donor has health problems?

          Is it like donated blood – tested before distributed?

          1. For the one I looked at, there were a lot of requirements for the donee (much more than for blood donation). I think you had to be drug free of everything. There also seemed to be rules re quantities to freeze in, timeliness, age of your baby (b/c milk changes, baby couldn’t be >1 or something). I want to say that they test the milk and perhaps pool it.

            You’re putting something into a newborn (usually) who may be quite ill, so I can understand the precautions. But it was more than I could juggle with work + baby + allergies + occasional advil, so I’m just a red cross donor. But very interesting to have learned about.

        6. To throw in another reason to donate your milk: a friend of mine struggled with fertility issues and ultimately began their quest to adopt. They recently adopted a baby girl at birth and have been able to give her a lot of breast milk due to donations. She seems incredibly grateful to be able to give her baby some of those immune benefits since she can’t nurse herself.

        7. There is usually a coordinator of some sort at a hospital where there is a NICU. They can give you all the information to start donating.

    5. Try pumping your br*asts about 75% empty every 3 hours for a couple days, that should decrease your production a bit to make it more comfortable to go 3.5 or 4 hours between pumping. Babies at this age feed 8-12 times a day so you really don’t want to go more than 4 hours without pumping because pumping is only a rough simulation of nursing – a baby (once nurisng is established) will always empty the br*ast more effectively. Start freezing the excess milk, that way you can keep baby on BM long after you’ve stopped nursing. BM is good in the freezer for between 6 months and a year, Kellymom dot com has lots of info on freezing.

  5. Is it bad form or okay to invite casual friends to a bachelorette diner and drinks event if they are not invited to the shower or wedding?

    1. Yes, this is generally considered bad form. That said, every crowd is different, and you may have a situation where this works – I’m thinking tiny wedding/family only where the friends want to celebrate too.

      1. Yes – say if your coworkers wanted to do a “girls night” or shower that might be ok (if they initiate it). We would do this at my last job for women getting married, with no expectation of being invited to the actual wedding – but since we did semi-regular happy hours anyway, it was basically just a happy hour with a purpose besides just drinking. Or if someone says “hey, when’s the bachelor e t t e party, I want to come!”. But overall, its bad form to invite someone to a pre-wedding celebration if they aren’t invited to the wedding. I guess if you were doing a destination wedding or a wedding in your far-off hometown that might be different, but if you are getting married locally only invite people to a bachelor e t t e that make the wedding guest list.

    2. Yes. Generally, you don’t invite people to an event that celebrates the wedding (b party or shower) if they are not invited to the wedding itself. I think it’s the same logic as not talking at length about an event with people who are not invited to the event.

    3. Yes. You’re basically asking people to celebrate an upcoming event (the wedding) when they aren’t invited to the event. I think it would be so uncomfortable- people are going to be talking about the wedding, your plans, the honeymoon, etc. and there would be people who aren’t invited. To me it’s the equivalent of openly talking about a party you’re hosting to someone you’re not inviting. It’s rude and it makes the other person uncomfortable.

  6. Networking question. Apologies in advance if the answer is some variation on “You’re over-thinking it,” but networking is like an unfathomable black hole to me.

    I had the chance to speak with the director of a department I’d really like (read: would kill) to work in at an event a couple of weeks ago. As we were concluding our conversation, he said that a position in his department would be opening up in the next couple of months, and encouraged me to apply for it. So, yay for that (right? that’s a good thing?). I said I’d be very interested because blah, blah, reasons, and then followed up the next day with a quick note to say how much I’d enjoyed meeting him and having the chance to talk about our field.

    Now…do I just sit here and stalk the job board, and apply as soon as it opens up? Is there some other form of contact or networking I can be pursuing between now and then? I worked with another key member of the department in another capacity, and while we stayed very loosely in touch for a while, we haven’t spoken or emailed recently; I might see her in the next week or so for a job-related function.

    1. Stalk the job board. When the job opens up, apply and drop an email to this guy and say you noticed that X job was posted and that you’ve applied. Thank him again for letting you know the position would be opening up. Ask if, besides applying through the job board, there are any other steps he’d recommend you take (this opens the door for him to say “send me your application materials and I’ll forward them to the hiring manager”…or not if he doesn’t feel comfortable doing that). Be low key, though. Even though the guy encouraged you to apply, that doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks you’re a great candidate. It may. But then some people just say things like that for no reason (like people who say “we should totally get drinks sometime!” and don’t mean it at all — some people mean it, and some people don’t).

    2. Emeralds, if you see an article that is related to her field or that would be of interest to her, you could email it (or a link to it) to her with a comment. This is a low-annoyance way to stay in touch, as she wouldn’t need to take any action.

  7. I’ve finally made my decision to go ahead with a brea$t reduction. I know several of you have had one…how did you go about picking a surgeon, what was your timeframe from calling till actual surgery (did you have to schedule way in advance for even the initial consultation) and did your insurance cover it? I’m looking to go from a large DD/small DDD to about a B, which would be much more proportional to my body (5’3 and no other curves) and I have no clue whether I should even attempt to go through insurance.

    1. Definitely attempt to go through insurance – a friend of mine had this done in college, and because her doctor deemed it a “medical necessity” (she was having back pain/the weight of them was messing with her posture) the procedure was entirely covered except for her usual (very inexpensive) co-pays.

      1. So they do affect my posture, but I luckily don’t have back pain and don’t have documentation of any sort that they truly bother me. I guess it’s always worth a try though.

        1. I’d still try insurance and talk to a doctor about the impacts. I think it’s pretty common to have reductions covered and I don’t think chronic pain documentation is required.

          1. Ditto this – with my friend, IIRC, the “medical necessity” determination was made based on her own self-reported symptoms. She definitely had no ongoing history of chronic pain treatment or anything like that. I don’t know if all doctors are like this, but hers was basically like “is this negatively impacting your life?” and she said it was, and he wrote it up as necessity.

    2. Don’t know if you’re still reading, but I had this done 7 years ago. Best decision I ever made. At my initial consultation my surgeon asked about my symptoms, why I wanted it done, etc. My reasons included some upper back pain, inability to wear a button front shirt, and general comfort. He sent me to an orthopedist who took X-rays and wrote a letter to the insurance co saying there were no anatomical abnormalities causing my pain. My surgeon also wrote a letter to the insurance co. The insurance determined it a medical necessity and covered it in full (aside from my copays). Mine were also a DD pre-surgery and are now a B. I definitely recommend trying for coverage first. I don’t remember how long it took to get a consult appointment but once insurance gave the okay I could have had the surgery done within two weeks. As far as picking a surgeon, I had a friend who had the procedure the year before me, I really liked the results and I went to her doc. I’m in CT if that would help you.

      1. This was very helpful, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I’m not in CT and I know anyone who has gotten it done so I still have to figure out how to find a surgeon :(

  8. I’m packing for a trip where I need to fit my toiletries in my carry-on. What would you bring from home and what would you let the hotel supply for you? I feel like I always forget something and then have to run to a drugstore on my trips so I’m looking for an exhaustive list of toiletries that you can’t live without.

    1. I only ever expect the hotel to provide shampoo, body lotion, and soap/body wash; I bring everything else.

    2. I always bring basically everything I use day-to-day, but I re-pack it all in tiny plastic containers or bottles from the dollar store. They should fit enough for a week at least. If I really wanted to save space, though, I would probably bring only moisturizer and face wash (and minimal makeup) and use the hotel shampoo etc.

    3. How long are you going to be gone? The hotel will usually supply shampoo/conditioner/body soap and refill them day after day (at least the hotel my BF and I just stayed at did when he used them the first night).

      1. I’ve been finding that conditioner is less common in hotels lately. No idea whether that’s true in general, but I have learned that since I really rely on having conditioner I’d better pack my own.

        Do or die: travel size toothpaste!

        1. I have also noticed that conditioner is less likely to be provided. I usually bring my own shampoo and conditioner anyway because I’m not always a fan of what the hotel offers (I have dry curly hair and the shampoo and conditioner are not always sufficient moisture).

    4. Things I can’t live without: toothpaste, tampons, face cream
      Things that are nice to have but I can live without: face wash, eye makeup remover, conditioner (varies depending on where you’re staying)

    5. I generally take a bar of Ivory soap with me because my very sensitive skin cannot take the heavily scented deodorant soaps that hotels often provide – although the nicer hotels have lovely soap. I don’t use conditioner, but at minimum, I have to have the spray (Thick) that I use on my hair. I keep a travel size bottle of it and refill with the dregs of any current bottle.

      1. Definitely. What is in that stuff? I struggle with the detergents and have had to call the front desk in the middle of the night because I stupidly tried to sleep on a down pillow. Nothing makes you feel more princess-y and ridiculous that complaining about sleeping on feathers.

    6. For me, it depends on the hotel, honestly. Some have much nicer stuff than others :)
      But as a general guideline this is what I do: get a set of plastic containers from Bed Bath & Beyond or one of those stores and fill it up with your shampoo, conditioner, body wash and lotion. If your hair can use a 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner, so much the better. Then I add: small travel size face wash (Sephora is great for this, or get another tiny plastic bottle) or make up remover wipes and a small all-purpose facial moisturizer with SPF. I try to get the smallest size of everything. I don’t use much in the way of hair products, but I will bring a tiny bit of hair oil (sample sizes are perfect). And a razor because even nice hotels have the crappiest razors. Also a couple of q tips held together by a spare hair tie. Toothpaste and brush and voila.
      You should be able to fit all this in a plastic pouch – if you need extra room, I keep the lotion separately, and throw the q tips and eye cream into my make up bag.

      This is also the time to use any sample size products you’ve collected. One of the reasons I love Birchbox is I basically use all that stuff on vacation. It’s also fun to use that new perfume sample that you randomly have or whatnot. It ends up being a nice memory, like, “oh, this perfume makes me think of Costa Rica.”

    7. For a business trip, I always have toothbrush, paste, dental floss, moisturizer, body lotion, hair conditioner in a Muji tube, hair brush, deodorant, sanitary stuff, some emergency meds (panadol, claritin, a herbal thing for indigestion), coloured lip balm and my preferred elastic hair ties. I’ve recently added perfume because someone gave me a beautiful one in a travel-friendly 30 ml bottle. If on holiday, I add sunblock. I only really rely on my hotel for soap and shampoo, but many places now provide conditioner and lotion as well, along with Qtips, cotton pads etc.

      I seldom wear make-up though – can imagine that adds a lot more stuff.

    8. I am a product junkie, and the one thing I learned that saves me while traveling for short trips is to pack any toiletries I need into contact lens cases. I have long hair and it doesn’t work for shampoo and conditioner, but I use it for facewash, eye makeup remover, night and day creams, hair serum, etc. etc.

      2. +1 to contact lens cases. My face is much happier if I don’t rely on hotel soap to wash it.

      3. A variation on this is the day-of-the-week pill containers. Lots of little compartments, and I’ve never had an issue with them opening/leaking.

    9. It depends on the length of the trip. My “musts” for a short trip are: conditioner (hotel shampoo is usually fine), face wash, face moisturizer (for body – body lotion from the hotel is fine or I can go without for a few days), toothbrush, toothpaste and floss, pain medication (like Aleve), bandaids, sunscreen, Qtips, hair products, contact solution and case, deodorant, makeup (but my routine is really bare – eyebrow pencil, mascara and lipstick). Of course, I usually put these things in travel sized containers.

    10. My hair is picky, so I ALWAYS pack my own shampoo, conditioner & hair products. I also always pack my own face lotion, but pretty much everything else I can use what’s been supplied by the hotel.

      Rank the products you use from most important to least important. Pack travel sizes of them from most to least, and see how much you can fit in your 1 quart baggie. Then either use what the hotel supplies, or visit a drug store when you arrive for the rest.

    11. I am pretty fussy with my toiletries, so my 1qt bag includes:

      -shampoo, conditioner, leave-in conditioner spray, face scrub, eye makeup remover, toner, morning acne cream, night acne cream, moisturizer for night, primer for am, foundation, eye cream, toothpaste, and deodorant (certain dri, which is pure liquid–when I used the creamy stuff, I would never put that in my liquids bag)

      The key to getting all of your toiletries is to use as small of containers for each item as possible. A lot of places like Target will only sell massive “travel size” containers that are 3oz because that’s the max you’re allowed per item, when I find for many items like eye cream, I need less than a pea size portion for an entire week. Container Store is a good place to look for smaller containers, but there’s also the contact lens case option that someone mentioned (I just find this wastes product in the case of creamier liquids like foundation because it sticks to the ridges on the inside). I think a lot of my smallest containers are a mix and match of the one or two smallest containers that come in some travel toiletry kits, plus the little sample pots they give you at Sephora. I also request sample packets of my hair products at the salon where I buy them and of my eye cream and moisturizer from Kiehl’s.

      Don’t waste space in your bag with non-liquid toiletry items like a toothbrush, floss, and makeup. I know it’s annoying when you get to your destination to have your “getting ready” things in various bags, but it’s a waste of your limited 1 qt bag to put that stuff in there, and it’s also disgusting to have eye makeup remover all over your toothbrush in case of a leak.

      Oh, and you didn’t ask, but I think I saw this here a while ago and it’s a great tip–use cotton squares in your powder, blush, and eye shadow compacts to keep them from getting shaken around and loosening up the product all over the compact, your makeup bag, and you when you go to open it. I used to use Bare Minerals and using cotton balls to stuff the lid saved me a lot of time because I wouldn’t have to try to sift all the powder back down into the bottom.

  9. ugh, moderation: trying again
    Is it bad form or okay to invite casual friends to a local bachelo**tte diner and drinks event if they are not invited to the shower or wedding? A friend specifically asked to join in the fun going out pre-wedding festivities but I haven’t known her long enough to invite her to the wedding without it feeling gift-grabby.

    1. Could you just say that? ‘We’re keeping the wedding small…but if you’d like to join for dinner and drinks, I’d be thrilled to have you there’.

    2. If they ask and you’re comfortable with inviting her, I don’t see a problem with it. Up to you whether you make it clear at the outset that you can’t invite her to the wedding.

    3. If she likes you enough to want to join in the bachelorette, it doesn’t sound at all like she would find a wedding invite gift-grabby! If that’s the only issue just invite her to both. If not, I think it’s rude to invite people to pre-celebrations and not the main event.

      1. I really wish people wouldn’t worry about the “gift grab” so much – yes, for special occasions there are often gifts associated with them. There also are gifts associated with going to people’s homes for dinner. It’s a part of the culture & I think you cause a lot more potential hurt feelings by not inviting people to events because you’re worried about looking greedy. I’d be so much happier to be included in something with a potential “new” friend than to be excluded because that person worried I’d be upset about having to give a gift. The nice part about gifts too is that you don’t have to spend a fortune – there are plenty of creative ways to work them into most budgets.

  10. Two miscellaneous questions if anyone feels like helping out:

    1) If, for a wedding party. you had to wear a color that totally washes you out, how would you try to mitigate it? So far my ideas are strong makeup or a statement necklace, but let me know of any other methods.

    2) I have a woman in her mid-twenties who reports to me who’s been doing an amazing job under horrible circumstances that she should not be having to deal with at all. I want to give her a token of appreciation that isn’t too uncomfortable or conspicuous, especially for others around her to know came from me. She’s under a lot of pressure and is starting grad school soon, though will continue working with me throughout. Any ideas?

    1. 1) Spray tan? I’ve never done it, but maybe that will help.

      2) I think a heartfelt note-card that explains what you’ve just written would mean a lot. And then she won’t have the added awkwardness of “My boss gave me a gift..now what?”

    2. spray tan… I’ve had great results with them. Just make sure you go somewhere reputable (look at yelp reviews etc) and start with a light touch.

      1. And maybe do a test run first. Some people’s skin reacts really well to spray tans and others have a less natural look. It would be good to know before all those wedding pictures…

      2. As a person who doesn’t drink coffee and never goes to Starbucks, this is a great idea only if she drinks coffee or goes to Starbucks, but I generally agree that a gift card is a good idea :)

      3. If she doesn’t drink coffee, an iTunes gift card might be ok.

        But I’d take her to lunch, talk about how much you appreciate the work she’s been doing, and offer to be a reference. I think that’s the best advice.

    4. Ha, curious to hear a response to the first question. I’m in the same situation and my best ideas right now are to wear a big statement necklace, and to make sure my eye makeup pops plus much stronger makeup than I’d normally wear so I don’t look quite so much like I’m slowly wasting away from a consumptive disease.

      1. Do we feel like wearing hair down would also help, as opposed to an updo? The hair is dark, if that matters.

        1. Hair down sounds like it would help, especially if your hair is dark; at least it would draw people’s eyes up to your head, rather than the dress.

    5. For 1) I think makeup and necklace is a good idea. Play with your hair as well to see if that helps. I have a camel colored sweater that isn’t the greatest color on me though I like it generally and I counter it by wearing colorful earrings and adding more blush than usual.

      For 2) I’d take her out to lunch if that’s appropriate and tell her how grateful you are and that if she ever needs a reference or letter of recommendation, she can count on you. I always hated asking for references and letters so I was extra grateful to anyone who volunteered to supply both. If lunch isn’t done, a starbucks giftcard and a note along the lines of, “Thank you for all you hard work, coffee is on me” might be nice.

      1. That’s a great point about references. I too have always been grateful when people offered rather than my having to ask later, so why not do that for someone else?

    6. Before wearing a super flashy statement necklace, perhaps run that by the bride? She may have been planning on jewelry or something like that.
      Definitely do a trial run with tanners if you haven’t used them before and maybe consider the airbrush type over those stand-up one color fits all spray booths.

      1. +1 – check with the bride if the necklace would be OK. Maybe she’ll say no for the ceremony & pictures, but will be OK with it for the reception.

    7. I feel like any bride who (1) forces you to wear a particular color of her own choice and (2) does not take into account your color preference is so controlling and all-about-Her-Day that you won’t be able to make your own choice for a necklace, and possibly even hair / makeup. Check with your Princess Bride first.

      1. Huh? I’m usually all over jumping on Bridezillas, but I’ve seldom been to a wedding where a bride didn’t choose whatever color she wanted for the bridesmaids dresses without regard to how it would look on the individual. There’s usually half a dozen women with different colorings; not a whole lot you can do there if you want the “uniform” look. It’s going to look terrible on one of them.

        1. Nowadays you see wedding formalwear in various shades of a similar color – i.e. coordinating shades of aqua and teal, or lilac and purple, so each “maid” can wear something flattering.

          1. Meh. I’m pretty picky about my clothes (I wear a very limited palette) but I always assumed that the bride got to choose whichever color she wanted for my bridesmaid’s dress and that was that. I’ve only been a bridesmaid twice – one was a great color for me, and the other was freakin’ terrible. But you know what? Not my wedding :) I was happy for my friend, and I really wasn’t that worried about how washed out I looked in a floor length pale pink strapless dress.

          2. The thing is, though, that most people look good in particular color palettes. Ain’t a pastel in the world that isn’t going to make me look terrible.

        2. +1.

          It sucks that you end up buying a dress in a color you don’t love, but donate it and make some girl’s prom very special.

        3. OK, I stand corrected if bride-selected matching-color bridesmaids is still an accepted thing. I can’t think of any modern women who do that, but perhaps my circle is idiosyncratic.

          1. Yeah, I generally hate weddings, but this is definitely still a Thing. I wish I ran in your social circles!

      2. To all who raised this question: any hair or makeup or jewelry is fine with the bride.

        1. Wouldn’t help for the wedding itself, but you could get a wrap in a better color for you for the reception – for instance, if dresses are pale pink, a dark silvery-grey wrap might not wash you out so much since it would be in between your face and dress.

      3. A bridesmaid demanding a color that flatters her skin tone? Who’s the controlling one?

        It’s one day, for your friend– suck it up.

      4. It’s hard to pick out a single color and/or style that is universally flattering on a set of bridesmaids (especially with cost considerations).

        I had short, tall, pregnant, petite and plus-sized bridesmaids. They all had different skin tones and hair colors as well. I picked a color (deep pink) that was pretty OK, but I’m sure it wasn’t the first choice of at least one bridesmaid (e.g., my little sister).

        If I had to do it over again, I’d have picked a single color and let them choose the style. Or eloped.

  11. Has anyone here done an international move while pregnant? We are looking at a possible transfer from the US to Dublin somewhere around the end of my 2nd trimester/beginning of the 3rd. I am really anxious about transferring my maternity care internationally mid-pregnancy. I seem to recall a poster who mentioned doing this, and I would love any thoughts, advice, etc. If anyone can provide any Ireland-specific advice, even better.

    1. No advice (sorry), but I am so jealous. I would LOVE to move to Dublin or London and I just can’t figure out the logistics of it (working, costs) without someone being transferred (and I don’t see that happening).

        1. Nope – litigation. Although a not-so-small part of me thinks that I’d be willing to take a cut in years / salary and do corporate work, if it meant I could go!

    2. I haven’t – but I will say that it’s a good time in the pregnancy to do it. You’ll feel fairly decent and still have enough appointments left to get to know your new provider/clinic. I’d try to find a mom/baby message board, partly to lurk and find out how things work out there, and partly to ask specific question and/or get recommendations.

    3. Well, darn – this option appears to be off the table. I am equal parts disappointed and relieved. Thanks for the input!

    4. I was probably that poster – did the move at 35.5 weeks, i.e., as late as you are allowed to get on a plane. Page me if the option comes up again.

  12. I was recently selected for a government position, yay! Does anyone have tips for negotiation salary (essentially the step within the grade, which is predetermined)? Also, any insight into whether the vacation accrual (4 hours per pay period for first three years; 8 hours per pay period thereafter) is negotiable?

    I am coming from big law and am probably looking at a 40% cut to our HHI, so I’m bummed to go to fewer vacation days as well.

    Also, my future agency allows compressed schedules, do I address this upfront as well?

    Any other tips?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. I don’t believe the vacation is negotiable at all. (Assuming you’re talking Fed, which is seems you are.) As for salary, my understanding is that some other office (maybe the agency’s central HR?) sets your grade/step and sends its determination to your hiring office. It’s then up to the hiring office to negotiate with HR if they think you should be a grade or step higher. Since you have the offer, I think you can start talking with your hiring office about what would be reasonable. It’s not like the private sector because the OPM tables are right out there. And your hiring office doesn’t have the same incentives as a private employer either to woo you with more money, or to try to get you cheap. They’ll probably want you to be about the same level as everyone else with your experience level. You might consider asking what the timetable would be for being promoted both within grade and up to the next grade (with the caveat that lawyers can generally get up to 13 very fast, up to 14 reasonably fast, and then it’s a bit more of a thing to make 15). But I just wouldn’t approach this like normal negotiations at all. They just don’t have the authority private employers do.

    2. My state government doesn’t have any negotiation over PTO. I’m very surprised to hear that it’s less than what your vacation time in big law. Don’t forget to consider additional holidays as well. My state has 14 state holidays every year, and my friends with firms usually get half that at best.

    3. Vacation is probably not negotiable but you can try to work out an alternative work schedule where you get an extra day off every two weeks by working an hour longer for 8 of the other 9 days.

    4. If you’re talking fed– You probably cannot negotiate vacation accrual. IME, it’s not years of experience, it’s years of federal service, that determines what year you are for purposes of vacation accrual.

      It might be worth fully understanding how much flexibility you will have with the compressed schedule. Would you want to do 4 10s per week, or would you want 8 9s, 1 8, 1 off per pay period? If you want to do something different than what is typically done (when I was a fed, I don’t think anyone in my office did 4 10s, but many people did the other schedule), it might not hurt to discuss at this point. You could also see what the telework policy is, if any.

      1. At my office, 4 10s are possible, as well as working from home two days per week. Some people do both and only show up 2 days per week. In terms of extra money, you may want to ask if you will be able to work overtime right away because at our brand new office/division, we had a probationary period.

    5. I would be shocked if leave was negotiable. Pay grade, perhaps, if you can establish that you meet the criteria for the higher grade and/or step. I attempted to negotiate a higher step when I was clerking based on some legal aid experience but was not successful. Regarding a compressed work schedule (CWS), it may depend on your supervisor: at my current position, my supervisor wanted me on a non compressed work schedule for the first few months, and then after three months approved me for CWS if I wanted it.

    6. There is a *little* leeway in asking for a higher step, but not much.

      Vacation time is not negotiable. Annual leave is four hours (earned every two week pay period) for three years, six hours after eight years and eight hours after 15 years. You will also earn four hours of sick leave that does not increase, but it does not expire either.

      Compressed schedule guidelines vary by agency. For example, only those not in a probationary period, GS 13-14 can have an alternative work schedule.

    7. Sounds like I work for a different fed agency, but I negotiated my leave. Basically, I asked that my time in biglaw counted as service time, so that I earned 6 hours per pay period instead of 4 (of course, this does not affect time served for retirement purposes). Had to be in a substantially similar area of law, doing substantially similar things (if I remember correctly). Go for it.

      2. Same intel. I almost accepted a position at a federal agency, and I knew from an insider that most people won’t ask, but you can negotiate leave a bit.

    8. I’d use the responses here to set expectations for yourself such that you know what to really push on and what not to, but I am a firm believer in asking anyway, no matter what someone says “isn’t negotiable”. There may be unoffical ways of getting you what you want that your individual manager will have some control over. They may also have more flexibility at different levels than has been other people’s experience. Ask, always always always ask.

    9. There is not much negotiating with government. However, some agencies will give you credit toward vacation accrual if you previous experience is relevant to your new experience. My husband just entered government and was able to get 6 hours per pay period vacation accrual with no prior government experience because he gas three years of experience in the same area.

  13. Financial question for the hive! Going a bit more anonymous for this!

    I just received a 10% raise as part of a promotion (as an aside, this was a total case of “you don’t get what you don’t ask for” so I highly encourage everyone to be assertive!) and want to allocate the additional funds toward some of my longer term financial goals. I’m at a non-profit so not in the same financial boat as many of the much-better-off ladies in this group, but I’d like to use the extra money to pay off more of my law school debt and/or increase my 401K contributions.

    Here’s the question I have: when I took my non-profit job, I pushed my loans from a 10 year repayment plan to a 20/25 year (depending on the loan) repayment plan (my salary was much lower when I started). My interest rates range from 2.7% variable to 4.5% fixed–total loans are at about $58K (down from $140K) after some aggressive payments during my two year stint in Big Law and the passage of five years’ time in monthly payments.

    Now that I want to make more payments, is it wise to put the loans back on the 10 year plan (upping my monthly payments from about $450 to $750) or to keep them as they are and just make the extra $300 or so monthly payment directly to the principal of the loans? I’d like to pay them off as quickly as I can, but I also anticipate some big expenses in the next 1-2 years (wedding and, hopefully, a baby–possibly a mortgage soon) and value some flexibility. My only concern with the “pay to the principal” plan is that I’ll fall behind or not do it in a way that allows me to pay them all back as quickly as the 10 year plan would. $300/month does go THAT far when you’ve got $58K in debt still.

    I’m also saving about 6% to my 401K (with a 6% employer match)–should I up those payments or focus on my student loans? 35 years old and have about $60K in retirement–new salary just barely gets me into six figures for the first time in a few years (going from $95K to $105K).

    Thanks so much, financial gurus!

    1. If you’re planning a mortgage, I would stick to the extended payment plan and just make extra payments each month. This way your debt to income ratio is lower but you can still make bigger payments. I would also target those payments at the higher interest loans (although none of yours are that high, it’s still more impactful to target the 4.5 vs the 2.7) . The one downside with this plan is it is usually a major hassle to make extra payments because of how these loan companies set this up, but if you can be diligent about it, that’s what I’d do.

      As for the retirement, I’d try to increase my contribution at least 1-2%, though an even 10% (so +4%) would be even better. Especially if you have employer match above 6% (which would be amazing) – the advice I always hear is not maxing out to full employer match is just leaving free money on the table.

      Anyway, sounds like you’re in good shape! Congrats on the promotion and raise!

      1. Thanks for this, AIMS. Just to clarify, I’m maxing out the match by doing the 6%. Would you still advise doing the extra contribution in that case?

    2. Can you automate the payments for the current amount due plus a fixed extra amount? If you can automate the extra payment amounts, I would do that instead of changing the repayment plan, so that if there is ever an emergency you can go back to the lower payments without changing the repayment plan back.

      Alternately, could you put the highest interest rate back on the 10 year plan and leave the rest alone?

    3. +1 This was one of the biggest suggestions they gave us in exit loan counseling. Essentially, they said to get your monthly payments as low as possible (by getting on the longest payment plan) and then to make, at a minimum, the 10 year payment. That way if something comes up (job loss, medical emergency, etc.) you have the option of paying less and not missing payments because you can’t afford them. Four of my six loans are on the 25-year plan, but I expect to have all of them paid off in 3-4 years.

    4. Are your loans consolidated? If not, pay off the highest-interest first. If the rest are at a lower rate, then saving is probably better than paying them off.

      I have heard horror stories (on this site and others) that when people try to pay down the pricipal, the loan servicer won’t actually apply it to principal. So that method doesn’t’ really work too well.

      I think retirement savings is generally more important than paying off your student loans quickly. That’s what I do, and at age 30, I have >$100k in my retirement account, with not a very high salary.

      1. If she makes the $300 additional payment on the same day as her minimum payments, it will still all be applied to principal, assuming that her current minimum payments are high enough to pay at least the interest accruing each month (if they are not, the servicer is going to apply additional payments to the remaining accrued interest, and there’s not really much you can do about that).

        If, however, she makes the additional payment on the least favorable day to her (the day before her next minimum payment, when a month minus one day of interest has accrued to which the payment would be applied first), she will pay a whopping $121 more over the life of the loan, assuming $58,000 balance today and all of it at 4.5% (and some is actually lower, but I assumed it all at 4.5% for simplicity and to “assume the worst”).

        I think there is some seriously unnecessary paranoia about student loan payments not being applied to principal on this board, probably stemming from a lack of understanding of how student loans payments and interest are actually amortized.

        1. Actually, I had a different experience. I had a small loan (under$2K) that I was paying off in small extra payments. I would make the extra payment right after making my monthly payment and instead of them applying that extra payment to the principal, they treated it as “prepaying” my next monthly payment. It took me several months to figure out what they were doing so you have to be extremely vigilant.

          In order to get them to treat it as a payment to the principal, I had to call several times, write not one, but TWO letters specifying what I wanted them to do. The first letter apparently didn’t say some set of magic words that they told me about after the fact so they treated that request as a one time request for payment toward the principal. Several calls and letters later, they finally let me do it.

          So I think you’re right that it doesn’t always have to be that easy, but some loan providers are complete scam artists when it comes to playing games with your requests. That was AES for anyone who has loans with them.

          1. I see your point, but that’s not really an issue of applying to principal (vs. interest), that’s an issue of advancing the due date. FWIW, I’ve not had this problem with my loans that are on automatic payments with Great Lakes (i.e., they will show that the next payment is not due until October, but still draw the “minimum” every month) but did have to make manual payments with Wells Fargo. There was no issue with them applying them properly though. I know servicers are different so I don’t mean to dispute the validity of that concern, but do want to point out that it’s different than that of applying to principal vs. interest.

          2. Ah, interesting! My problem is that they weren’t charging me my monthly payments during that time period–just using the extra payment to pay future interest at the same pro-rated rate (i.e. 80% to principal, 20% to interest, or whatever it was). Thanks for your insight, though! I’ll look out for all that as well.

      2. Well, I didn’t get started until I finished law school (my salary was close to $30K pre-law school and I wasn’t able to contribute while in school) at 29. But point definitely taken. I just realllllly hate debt. Even the so-called “good” debt.

        Regarding the extra payments, thanks for pointing that out. I had to go through an ordeal with one of my providers to make the extra payments but finally arranged for it and had it work–paid off one tiny loan that way.

        Does everyone agree then that it’s better to aim at that 4.5% fixed loan (about $30K) or at the 2.7% variable loan (about $18K)? I don’t like the “variable” piece of it.

        Thanks SO much, everyone!

  14. My husband is applying for a teaching job at my old high school. I was a good student of the head of the department and kept in touch for a few years of college, but it’s been a long time (and a name change) since then. I’d like to email him so he notices my husband’s application, but I don’t want to be pushy about it. Any suggestions?

    1. I think it may come off as strange if you contact the employer to help out your husband. I think it would be better for your husband to mention that you were a student there (and maybe give your former name) in his cover letter as part of why he is interested in the job.

      2. No, please don’t do this (I say this as a former teacher). How strange would it be to reference your spouse in a cover letter?! I could mayyyybe see referencing “ties to the community” to explain his interest (if this is true beyond you just going to high school there), but that’s as far as it should go.

    2. I used to be a high school teacher, and was close with our department chair (who largely called the shots in hiring in our department). He would periodically receive e-mails like these, and completely disregard them- and I think it colored his opinion of the candidate negatively. Having gone to that high school may mean you have a particular affinity for it and understanding of the community (if it hasn’t changed too much), but means squat in regards to how well you can teach. And since you were the one who went there, not him, it might hurt even more.

  15. My last day before maternity leave is Friday, and it’s very possible today will wind up being my last day (this little lady seems to want to arrive early) and my office still has not figured out who’s taking over my work while I’m out! I told them at 13 weeks that I was pregnant and told them when I’d be starting my leave. How is it possible that they still don’t know? I’m writing up transition memos and foldering my emails so others can find them, but this is seriously ridiculous. I have people sending me new work, too. Really? New work three days before I go out on leave?

    1. My boss came to my hospital room, uninvited, while I was IN LABOUR to discuss files (which had memos on them) with me. Didn’t go too well from what I recall, lol. People are ridiculous.

      Memo your files and don’t waste another second of time or ounce of your energy worrying about this situation – it will all be fine.

      So excited for your baby to arrive – enjoy every single second of this!

      1. That is ridiculous!

        To the OP: +1 to letting them deal with it, themselves. You have enough to deal with at this poitn in your pregnancy, let alone when you have newborn to take care of. Do not waste ANY energy worrying about work.

        My baby came a week early. I’d made a pretty comprehensive transition file and set out-of-office replies to start on my e-mail automatically on my due date, but I had planned on wrapping up a few more loose ends during what was supposed to be my last week. Didn’t happen, and my office managed to pull it together without me. Yours will too. Seriously, don’t worry about it.

        Good luck! and best wishes for an easy delivery and a baby who sleeps through the night at 2 weeks. :)

      2. Um, what?! What is wrong with your boss? That’s beyond just workaholicy. That’s like has no sense of social norms or propriety.

    2. I don’t think you can control how prepared your office is for your leave, but I also don’t think you should bend over backwards to ensure things go smoothly. Has your office prepared for a maternity leave before? Are they normally strategic in their workflow planning? If this is their first time around, it may just be a learning experience for everyone. The most you can do is provide good information on where your project stand, and then be available for contact by email/phone on a specific date after the birth and stick to it.

      1. +1

        One of my most valuable lessons from my first pregnancy was that my employer’s prep for my leave was not my problem. I was so stressed in the week or two before birth! For the second, I made sure that my ducks were in a row and that I left good notes – then I walked out the door. (Both times, things went fine).

  16. So I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I always say counseling, counseling, counseling to others. I finally emailed a counselor to talk about my weight issues, found someone in network, down the street from my office, can see me next week and I can’t pull the trigger. I feel like I’m somehow a failure for needing to talk to someone and an even bigger failure that I haven’t been able to get through my own destructive nature on my own. I need a kick in the pants and someone to tell me it’s okay to not be wonder woman. Any success stories of therapy related to weight/eating issues would be greatly appreciated.

    1. It’s totally ok not to be wonder woman. I’ve always hesitated to call a therapist, even when I’ve gotten a recommendation from another doctor, but I’ve always been glad that I did. You can do this.

      (Bonus: you will probably learn in therapy that it’s TOTALLY COOL not to be wonder woman. Seriously).

    2. It is absolutely okay. Consider your pants kicked. Also it is absolutely okay that you are not wonder woman. or even super girl. And you are not a failure. Our society is effed up when it comes to weight and body issues, you are brave for dealing with them.

      First of all, all the points and gold stars to you for taking those first steps. They are hard in and of themselves, and you should celebrate having found the strength to do them.

      Go to therapy. It is so, so helpful- it may well have literally saved my life. And while my eating issues were only a part of the bad neighbourhood that was/is my brain, it’s helped me identify my bingeing behaviour and what triggers it, and work towards getting better. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% where I want to be, but any improvement I have made has been 100% due to therapy.

      Good luck, and know you are not alone!

    3. MAKE THE APPOINTMENT AND GO. You are not a failure for needing to talk to someone. You are not a failure for struggling with issues surrounding your weight and/or body image.

      I don’t know if this is a success story per se, because I don’t think I’ll ever totally be a quote unquote success. But I’ve struggled with disordered eating to varying degrees for a lot of my life (10 f***ing years to be exact; I’m 25), and, for various reasons, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a full-blown relapse over the summer. I called my university’s counseling center and got in to see someone after a particularly awful morning.

      It was very helpful. The counselor I met with helped me process the whole thing, figure out what was causing the resurgence of my issues, and make a plan for moving forward. We only met for a few sessions, but it was enormously helpful. I really cannot emphasize that enough. GO GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

    4. Perhaps therapy will help you redefine your perception of what wonder woman looks like – you might well be her after all. I’ll bet if she needed backup she’d ask for it. Way to go for getting this far – now it’s just the follow-through. You can do it!

    5. What would you say to a good friend struggling with the same issue?

      Be kind to yourself- think of treating yourself like you would a good friend- Honest, Compassionate, Forgiving, Kind and wanting to help.

    6. Imagine wonder woman’s back story: that lady must have been through some s&*t to be the strong, fearless person she is. Maybe wonder woman had some counseling too.
      More seriously, seeking and following through on counseling takes strength – you should feel BETTER that you have the guts to do it.

    7. Think of therapy as just another tool in the toolbox. We all have tools that we use to cope with life: hot baths, wine, reading, etc., and some tools work better than others. You are just trying to find the right tool for the job. And for the record, by taking the steps necessary to take care of yourself, you ARE wonder woman. Good luck!

    8. Don’t Be So Hard On Your Self!!!

      Here’s what has sort of started working for me: break it down into TINY steps. Don’t think of it as “going to therapy and fixing my problems” think of it in smaller steps.

      1. Look up someone in your network, etc. – SUCCESS!!!! you have already done this so you are ALREADY winning!!! YAAAYYYYY!!!

      2. Make the phone call

      3. Make it in the door for the appointment.

      … each of those is a step, and EACH ONE give yourself a huge pat on the back and a reward And if you don’t do it today, that’s OKAY. Start again tomorrow.

      So all you need to think about right now:

      Making the Phone Call Asking for the Appointment.

      That is all. Just focus on that, try not to think about anything else. You can DO THIS!!!! ;o) (sorry about Ellen caps ;o))

      1. And for me the next most important step:

        4. Take your calendar/planner and don’t leave without your next appointment scheduled (if you click with the therapist at all, of course). Even better, see if you can get a recurring appointment at the same time slot as often as recommended. Because you will go through the same avoidance cycle for the 2nd appointment if you don’t deal with it while you are still there.

        It took me years to figure this out, and while I sometimes get strange looks for it (why yes, I do want to schedule my next PAP for 1 year from now because otherwise it will be closer to 2 before I get around to it) it is the only system that works for me.

    9. Thanks, ladies. Appointment made. I appreciate the sentiments. It’s so funny because I would absolutely tell my best friend to not be ashamed, be proud, all these things and yet, for myself, I’m so negative about it. Clearly something to work on!

      2. I do this too. I’m way better at giving advice than taking my own. :)

        (Taking my own advice is scary!)

      3. YYAAAYY!!!! Good for you! ONE more step DONE! SUCCESS!!

        Now all you have to do is show up that day. That is the only thing you have to think about right now! So proud of you!! ;o)

  17. Appropriate clothing for the factory floor?

    I will be going on a site visit to a factory soon (I’m an interpreter for a visiting delegation; I don’t work for the company.) Generally my go-to uniform when I’m working is a skirt and heels; obviously heels are out, but does anyone have recommendations for what to wear? Bonus: I’m 25 and look about 16, and I’d really like something that’s factory-friendly while not making me look like I’m still in HS.

    TIA!

    2. this is one where I would not be ashamed at all of asking my client (or the factory contact if they’re different). I’d say something like “this will be my first visit onsite – I’d appreciate some guidance regarding what visitors typically wear, to make sure I’m dressed safely and appropriately for the meeting.”

      if you have to shoot in the dark, and it’s definitely not business formal, I might try flat, polished riding boots with a pencil skirt. You’d want to avoid anything dangly or flowy.

      1. I’d go with pants (and I say this as someone who wears skirts/dresses 99% of the time) due to the number of catwalks/open-work platforms and stairs in factories.

      2. Definitely ask. Pants, boots, sneakers, safety-boots, hard-hats, safety-glasses, etc., may be required. Skirts are ridiculous in an industrial setting.

        1. Also ask about temperature. Some processes create tons of heat so it might be 80+ on the floor even in winter, while other warehouses aren’t heated at all and its 55 on a good day in winter. But overall – layers, pants, flat walkable shoes (no open toes, ideally covering as much of your foot as possible), no scarves or loose flow-y clothes or jewelry, and hair tied back. Preferably washable/not super expensive just in case of grease or dust. I know you don’t want to look young, but looking 16 and prepared is better than looking older but ridiculously out of place on the factory floor.

      3. oh good point on the pants, ladies. I was picturing walking around a single concrete floor, not taking a full on tour involving staircase-ladders and catwalks.

    3. Shoes you can walk a lot in (flats or very low heels/wedges) and pants for sure. You might have to walk up a set of open-work metal stairs or stand on a catwalk and you don’t want to worry about what you are exposing! To look older or more authoritative, wear a pants suit, or pants and a non-matching blazer. And I would recommend a dark color to avoid showing any dirt you might come up against (unless the plant involves ceramics, sawdust, flour or some other light-colored dust that will look really bad on a black suit — in which case maybe grey or khaki colors are better). Avoid flowy scarves that could get caught on something.

      1. Also, depending on the facility you might need to wear a hard hat for some of the tour, so an updo or high ponytail would be difficult. Similarly, safety glasses might be needed; if you normally wear glasses but can wear contacts, the contacts will be easier. (Safety glasses will fit over your regular ones but you will look and feel better without the two pairs on your face.)

        1. On the other hand, some facilities may not let you where contacts depending on what sort of substances they work with, so if you where contacts, you might want to bring glasses just in case (or ask in advance).

    4. Pants, blouse, jacket (you can take it off if you feel overdressed) and flat shoes (loafers?) seem universally appropriate for on-site visits.

    5. Flat shoes and pants. Ask the facility if you’ll need any particular clothing, like safety shoes. Some facilities have shoe covers that work instead of buying steel-toed boots, but those generally don’t work that well for women’s shoes. Scarves and large necklaces are probably also out. Check with the facility manager or safety person. I’ve had to wear a flame retardant coverall once at a facility, and that would not have worked out well with a skirt, so I would say pants are best.

    6. There are often concrete floors, so leather soled dress shoes are slippery. I have come pretty close to wiping out in my employer’s warehouse.

    7. As an added note: keep jewelry extremely minimal. My company’s factory doesn’t allow any jewelry whatsoever, even wedding rings or ear studs. A good idea might be to bring a small jewelry box in your purse so you have someplace safe to put jewelry in case you are asked to remove any/all of it.

  18. Has anyone here ever had an issue with returning items to Bluefly? I do most of my clothes shopping online, and while I’m pretty good with figuring out what will fit before I order it, I would say that I end up mailing something back to a retailer once or twice a month. If I try something on and it doesn’t fit, it immediately goes back into the original packaging and is mailed back.

    The first time I ordered clothing (as opposed to a handbag) from Bluefly, I tried the item on, realized it didn’t fit, and immediately repackaged and returned it. Bluefly then sent me an email saying that the item clearly had signs of wear (which I didn’t notice and certainly did not cause) and they would not refund my money. This never happened to me before or since, and I’ve probably ordered clothes from 50+ different retailers at this point. Was this just an odd one-off? Or has anyone else had this problem?

    1. I hadn’t ordered from them in a few years, but placed an order the end of last year. Nothing worked out, and I sent it back fairly quickly. However, it ended up taking them almost 2 months to process the return. I had to email them partway through to see if something was wrong (they didnt respond to that email for a week or so).

    2. Just my experience: the one time I have ordered from Bluefly the shoes were noticeably worn when they arrived. A friend’s daughter really wanted them so I gave them to her, but otherwise I would have tried to return them.
      Hm..glad you posted…I had forgotten about that, but will be a bit wary of Bluefly now…

  19. Going anon for this question. I am in a LTR and love my SO. We have a great relationship that I see headed toward marriage. Perhaps because I have been thinking of the future more, I find myself thinking back on past relationships and having a lot of feelings of guilt/regret/shame about the content of those relationships – events, comments, general dynamics, etc. Do other people feel this, or go through a phase of emotional struggling like this when they are ready to close the book on their relationship past?

    1. Sure, I think it’s only natural to reflect back on past partners from time to time. I would say that feelings of guilt and shame aren’t a productive way to deal with regrettable things from your past. I, too, wear the hairshirt and beat myself up mentally about relationships in which I stayed too long, or accepted less, but this thinking only serves to make me feel bad. What I’ve learned is to write down my thoughts about that time or that person. Write them a letter that you never plan to send. It’s really helped me. People always talk about closure in a relationship. I’ve realized that I’m never going to get the answers I want from my ex, so instead I work toward giving myself closure. Journaling has really helped me achieve that. Good luck to you!

    2. I can’t say it bothers me to the extent that it seems like your situation is bothering you, but I occasionally reflect back on my one previous LTR with guilt and regret… I really feel like I treated my ex horribly at times and I wonder if I permanently damaged him in some way (I’m sure I didn’t, but who knows); I now know to look for those destructive behaviors in my current relationship, so I did learn from the experience, but I feel guilty that it was at the expense of my ex, who is a perfectly good person. I sometimes feel like I should reach out to him and apologize, but the thought of actually doing it makes me cringe.

      1. I had a prior LTR with a partner that treated me badly. I hear he has now gotten married and seems to be doing ok. I am also now extremely happy with someone else.

        I would not be pleased to hear from him, even if it were an apology. His behavior affected me in deep, profound ways.

    3. Everything you’ve done in your life has gotten you where you are. You can’t go back and re-do it, the most you can do is learn from it and move forward.

      Embrace your past experiences as lessons and do what you need to heal and/or move forward from them. Maybe this means apologizing, maybe it means mentally closing the book, whatever. Learn and grow.

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