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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Metallic Tweed Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This black and gold tweed jacket has a little bit of metallic pizazz, but if worn with an otherwise subdued outfit, I think it could be great for the office. I find that cropped jackets like this one can be hard to pull off with pants (for some reason, I can never get the proportions to look right), but I think it would look great over a sheath dress. An all-black look would be fabulous, but I think it would also look very chic with ivory or burgundy. The jacket is $149 at Nordstrom and available in sizes 1X–3X. It also comes in straight sizes XS–XL. Metallic Tweed Jacket  Kat's Deal Alert: The big Nordstrom Cyber Sale has started — prices are up to 50% off. You can also get a big “holiday award,” which is the first time I've ever seen Nordstrom do a tiered deal like this — spend $125, get $25; spend $250, get $50; spend $400, get $100. We'll try to do a roundup today of what's good; I know in past years this sale was chock full of great sales on gift ideas. (Especially great because they have free returns with no time limit!) There's also a deal going if you don't already have a Nordstrom card — you can sign up now through Dec. 2 and get a $60 Nordstrom Note. I'm against store cards in general, but there are lots of benefits to having this one; here's why I love my Nordstrom card.  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

282 Comments

  1. Cute! Suiting PSA, I went on a hunt for skirt suits that won’t bore me to tears and found good options at Rebecca Taylor (sizing now runs up to 16), Hobbs (now shipping directly to the US) and L.K. Bennett (U.S. return address, so no customs hassle).

  2. To the coffee break poster wondering how to do a more SF look, here’s some ideas from another preppy at heart dresser. It all starts w denim here, get some jeans you like, retailers of easy choice are Everlane and Uniglo. The boxy look is a thing here. The blazer look is not – swap out those going out blazers for a puffer vest and a scarf, up your scarf game. Shoes are flats or low block heels (the hills are too extra for heels, and we walk a lot b/c even with Uber and Lyft it’s just easier). All that said, SF has always been proudly unique. That’s going away these days with tech, but if you look around you’ll see a LOT of individual style, so you can still get away with pretty much anything. Just own that it’s your look and also know that this is the place where high fashion goes to die, so no one is thinking much about it anyway.

    1. That was me – thank you!! I did order some jeans yesterday, for the rest I’m thinking cashmere scarf, mock neck sweaters on the boxier side, one of the sleeker collarless puff jackets (I need something more than a vest to get me into my Lyft to and from the airport when it’s -20 in the midwest), get on the plane in my Blondo booties and bring along 1 pair block heels and 1 pair of flats.

  3. Have a nice holiday, everyone! May the odds be ever in your oven’s favor! I heard from my boyfriend his oven runs cooler, so fingers crossed for me and my timing skills.

    1. If only there was some way you could know what the temperature actually was inside an oven.

      1. Op here, hmm…if only, if only…and if only I had time to get one, and if only I didn’t find out about this late last night. Just don’t have time to grab one today. Thanks though!

    2. Get an oven thermometer and you can adjust the temperature instead of your timing.

      1. OP here – Would do that except I found this out last night and unfortunately don’t have time to get one today. Have an instant read for the bird though, just gonna watch it.

          1. I really couldn’t think of $35 worth of stuff I needed on Amazon for same day shipping! Trust me, I looked. I’ve ordered enough useless stuff in the past for same day shipping when I wasn’t in a pinch and it’s biting me in the butt.

      2. To be fair, I know my old oven ran hot, but I didn’t know the exact temperature it was all the time. So even if I found out that another oven was exactly 350, I still would have to check more frequently because I wouldn’t be used to cooking the item at 350 anyway, so an oven thermometer would have done me much good in this circumstance.

    3. Just ask your BF how he usually adjusts his recipes? Like if he noticed that it runs cool, he probably either increases the temp or the cook time to compensate so use that as a guideline.

      1. Dump your boyfriend immediately because he only told you about this last minute. Or, at a minimum, go to couples counseling.

        2. You should not dump your boyfreind. Just take a big rectal thermometer and tell him you want to take HIS temperature. He will get the message and give you more notice next time. FOOEY on him!

  4. Question about salary expectations when job hunting: what do you say? AMA said to try and avoid giving a specific number. I’ve given a few responses that a specific dollar amount isn’t my #1 priority, rather I like looking at the entire package as a whole. If I have a limit on the lowest I’ll accept, should I give it – or will that limit me in the long run if I try and negotiate higher?

    1. Don’t tell them your lowest number, for sure. If they hear a number then that’s the number they’re aiming for. I think your script is perfect – you want to see the entire package and you can negotiate from there. Maybe you can ask the salary range for the position and then you can tell them whether that’s in the right ballpark.

    2. If you are going to give a number, and I’m not sure you should, I certainly wouldn’t give the lowest you would accept. Most companies will just lowball you then. Instead, I would try in figure out my ideal salary/market-rate salary and then add something in the 10-15%, whatever will get me to a nice even number.

    3. My biggest piece of advice, as someone who’s just getting to the tail end of a job hunt process am now negotiating an offer, is to reach out to your network and see if you can find out what people are coming in at in your area for the type of role you’re looking at. I would have a specific number or 10k range in mind, you don’t necessarily need to give it to them but knowing what fair market is and having some data points to back that up is helpful. If you’re going to give them a number, I agree with add 10-15% to the market rate and give them a 5k range if under 125k, and maybe a 10k range if over 125k.

      1. +1
        For me, I do not mention assessing what the whole package is like as I do major sleuth digging on an organization before I apply to check benefits, their employees costs/copays etc, other options etc. ymmv.

        1. wow, I surprised that you manage to find all that information. Maybe it’s because I’ve always worked at smaller companies, but none of that stuff is available on the website and I normally can’t find it on third party sites either (not that I would trust that info on a random third party review site is accurate)

        2. So what do you say instead? I would accept a lower salary if there was above average vacation/flex time/work environment & perks but I feel weird mentioning this so early in interviewing

          1. I used a script similar to: “I’d ideally like to be in the $X range, but I’ll certainly look at the value of the entire comp and benefits package as I consider a potential offer.”

  5. I need help.

    I’m 25 and I’ve been self-employed for about 18 months. My business is doing really well; After expenses, I earn a six-figure income.

    I recently bought a car, and financed it at the dealership. I brought a ton of documents with me (tax return, profit loss statement, bank statement). I filled out the credit application and put “self-employed”. When I asked the finance guy if he needed my paperwork since I’m self-employed, he said he’d go in and change my application to show my employer as AnonForThis LLC — my business’ name — rather than self-employed.

    He said it so quickly and matter-of-factly it didn’t ring any alarm bells for me, so I didn’t say anything. I was quickly approved for a loan and I took the car home.

    I was talking to my mentor, and I mentioned this in passing. She was horrified, and told me that both I and the dealership committed fraud.

    Now I’m freaking out. I had no idea. I should’ve been more diligent, but it simply didn’t occur to me that it was anything but normal.

    So what do I do? Do I contact the lender? Or do I just keep making payments on this loan and take it as a lesson well learned? I feel terrible and scared. I never bought a car at a dealership before.

    1. I don’t understand why it’s fraud. If you own the business AnonForThis LLC, it seems pretty reasonable to say that’s your employer.

    2. I really think your mentor overreacted. You did not commit fraud. You do work for AnonForThis LLC, since that is your business and is who pays you. It would be a little misleading if he put on the forms that you had a salary of $x, when I assume that is variable. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    3. Honestly, if it’s not on something you’re signing under penalty of perjury, I wouldn’t sweat it. It is different, but IMO not material. If you have a >750 FICO score, I wouldn’t give it another thought.

      1. I do have very good credit; it was 790 when they ran it. And this car loan is my only debt, so I can easily afford the payments (I plan on paying it off in 12 months instead of the 36-month loan term).

    5. Did your mentor misunderstand and think the loan was being made to the business instead of you? Otherwise, I don’t see anything fraudulent about listing your business as your employer.

    6. It’s not fraud. This is how my best friend, who has been self-employed for a decade, always answers questions about who she works for on paperwork. I would maybe find a mentor who’s a little less reactive and a little more inclined to help you seek out answers, rather than reacting the way she did. That’s not an example you want to follow.

    7. My mentor said it was fraud because they changed my application from “self-employed” to just “employed”. Because they switched it, I didn’t have to provide any documentation, like my tax returns. My business is a single-member LLC, if that matters.

      Is this really not a big deal? I’ve been sick over this since she told me.

      1. It’s not a big deal. It’s weird you even discussed this with her, but she is wrong.

      4. I was employed by a family business, of which I was part owner, for several years. So, I was kind of self-employed. When I financed my car I definitely put the business as employer and provided zero documentation, and due to good personal credit rating, got a favorable interest rate. I really think this is not a big deal.

    8. Thank you everyone for commenting, seriously. I’ve been literally ill and not sleeping since she told em this two days ago.

      I’ve never bought a car from an actual before, and my parents were very poor, so they aren’t able to give me any advice or guidance on this stuff. When they bought a car, it was usually a $500 beater they bought from a neighbor, so I had no idea how this process was supposed to work or what was normal. I did a lot of reading on buying a car beforehand, but none of what I read was geared toward those who are self-employed.

      Thank you everyone. Have a great holiday

      1. Congrats on the car! Self employment is tough and it’s awesome you are having success. Enjoy your holiday as well.

      2. So I’ve represented people who were charged with bank fraud and similar crimes and I wouldn’t worry about it. While it may technically be incorrect, you aren’t guilty of fraud because you lack the requisite intent (you gave the correct information that was then changed by an employee of the car dealer). Just keep paying your loan and take your mentor’s alarmist reactions with a grain of salt.

      3. Just wanted to chime in to say congrats on your business success! I’m so curious – what kind of business? Online or brick and mortar?

        1. Thank you! I’m a marketing consultant; my work is done entirely online and I work from home

      4. Gently, consider therapy for your anxiety. It’s not normal to be ill and sleepless over something like this.

        1. I disagree. I would lose sleep over being accused of committing a crime, if I was unsure whether the accuser was right.

      5. Does this make you feel better? A single member LLC is a disregarded entity for tax purposes, meaning the income flows through to Schedule C on an individual’s personal tax return. I would not sweat this, and I tend to overthink things.

    9. Dad says you are OK. If you are the propreitor, you can say that you work at this LLC, as the owner. I wonder whether your mentor is jelous. My ex did NOT like it when I got this job even tho I was not a partner for years. He was a schlub and could not see fit to give me a compliment for getting a better job then he had. It is Thanksgiving tomorrow, so I will be more chariable about him and how he treated me. FOOEY!

  6. Has anyone been to Bermuda in December? Considering a last minute trip. I know it won’t really be swimming weather but should be mild enough to enjoy spending time outside (temps in the 60s/70s). Hoping we could still enjoy being on the beach even if we can’t go in the water.

      1. The internet says the average high in December is 70, is that not right? I’m in the upper Midwest, so perhaps I have more tolerance for cold than most, but I consider 70 (or even 60) very pleasant and not coat weather at all.

    3. I visited a friend in Bermuda once in December. Weather was rainy and cool and their home, while lovely, didn’t have great heating. Wasn’t beach weather for sure. I also went to Bahamas over New Years one year and even though it was in the low 70s it wasn’t comfortable to lie on the beach. Walking with a sweatshirt was fine and we had a really nice vacation.

      1. This Minnesotan thinks it sounds great. You know you won’t be swimming and just want to enjoy a more temperate climate—go for it!

  7. I have a 90s condo that has horrid elongated toilets. The problem seems to be that solids fall where the water isn’t and several flushes and a scrub later, the job is done. Ugh. But a friend with a shy husband insists (he told her later, after overhearing my complaints) is that men prefer elongated toilets (more aiming area? husband seems to have no input). I am wary of replacing with newer elongated toilets given how wretched our first 1.5 months in this place have been, but I want to replace with something. If all newer toilets function relatively well, I’ll go with elongated replacements. Every showroom I’ve been in has toilets to view, but they aren’t hooked up, so you can’t really road-test any of them. Ugh! Cannot imagine how wretched the bathrooms (2) will look after having guests over for tomorrow :( (and I feel bad for my guests — I never really anticipated this from toilets that technically work but aren’t up to the job).

    1. That seems like a weird blanket statement by your friend’s husband, and I can’t image that grown men have that much trouble aiming … but I’m not a guy, so what do I know. I would get what I like. If you prefer a round toilet, get that. You are the one who has to live with it 365 days a year. Any guys you have visit can just work on improving their aim.

      1. It’s not about aiming. I’ll try to be delicate about this:

        It’s about the difference of where the stream comes from when a man is sitting versus where the stream comes from when a woman is sitting. Their “starting point” is much farther forward and tilted differently. Too short of a bowl and taller/larger men end up having to stuff things down forcibly.

      2. My ex always peeded on the floor and after a few months of missing, I insisted that he pee sitting down, or clean the toilet after each use. I got sick of going into the toilet and sitting in a puddle of his pee! FOOEY!

    2. That’s really funny — I just moved into an apartment (rental) where the toilets are round, and I guess must be on the small side. My husband, who is not a large man but isn’t undersized either, is complaining that he has trouble fitting on the toilets when he sits? Doesn’t appear to be an aiming while standing problem, but an aiming while sitting problem?

      1. OP — aiming while sitting makes a bit more sense (it’s all a mystery to me , but I understand that many guys esp at night will pee sitting and maybe they need more front space).

    3. Seems like the water level needs adjusting. I have had elongated toilets and haven’t had this problem.

    4. Having purchased several toilets in recent years for random reasons: the problem is not necessarily the bowl shape, it is the surface “stickiness” of the bowl and the velocity/placement of water that rinses the bowl when you flush. Personally my house has switched to Toto toilets (acquia and drake) and there have been no issues, even in the low-water/dual-flush models. They have figured out the right combination of materials and water placement so there’s never an issue.

      If you want to go on a deep dive, there are forums at the Terry Love plumbing site. People have REALLY strong opinions about toilets.

        1. Another Toto fan. I think the elongated shape is more comfortable and I think I read that it’s supposed to help with smell (not sure how). It sounds like the issue is water levels as I’ve never had any problems with my Toto elongated toilet.

    5. I just replaced a (broken, 1979) round standard toilet with an elongated, “elevated” height one at the urging of literally everyone I know. I don’t care that much, but I wish I had stuck with a round, regular height toilet. I’m on the short side (5′ 2″, with extra short legs…) and feel like I’m awkwardly perching, which I think is a combination of both the shape and height.

      But at the end of the day a toilet is a toilet and I can make due…

      1. Get a low collapsible footstool that you can put in the vanity. Delicately, it can be hard to void if your feet are dangling and your legs are at a downward angle!

    6. A new elongated toilet shouldn’t have that problem. The back is still round, if that makes sense.

    7. I switched from a small round toilet in my kids’ bathroom to an elongated as they got older. We have not had that problem at all and BELIEVE ME my teenage son is not going to any extra effort to clean up after himself.

      So I think the problem is with your toilet, not all elongated styles. If this were a universal problem with elongateds, they probably wouldn’t be sold.

  8. Right out of the gate. I’m amused that you were sitting there just waiting to be the first to start a controversial conversation.

  9. I had a frightening night and hope for the Hive’s perspective. I own a semi-detached home in the urban core of a large Canadian city. I generally feel safe in my neighbourhood, but theft and property crime are not uncommon, as is drug dealing and use. My wife is away on business travel, so I’m alone at home. Yesterday evening was totally normal, and I tucked into bed early. At around 11, I was awoken by my doorbell. I ignored it, thinking it might be a kid’s prank (our house was egged a month ago, so this type of thing isn’t unheard of here). About 15 minutes later, the doorbell rang again. I immediately looked out the window, turned on a bunch of lights, and went downstairs. I couldn’t see any sign of a person or disturbance. I left the lights on and went back to bed. A half hour later the bell rang again. Same deal, no sign of anyone (as investigated from inside through peephole and windows). Fell back asleep and the doorbell rang again at 6:40am. Still no sign of anyone….I called the non-emergency police line to report this.

    It’s a wired doorbell – is it possible that this is a hardware issue? I am leaning away from that possibility because there has never been an issue before, and I don’t see why all of a sudden there would be five issues within 24 hours. Additionally why wouldn’t the ringing have continued sporadically all through the night if that was the case?

    Was someone staking out my house to break in? The home attached to mine is obviously empty, and my wife and I don’t have a car, so I can see how the property would be a target. If this is the case, what precautions should I be taking beyond common-sense leave lights on at night, investigate getting alarm system etc.

    And finally, in the event that someone were to break in when I am actually home (which is what I feared might happen last night) – what is one supposed to do in that situation? Hide and call 911? Confront the person? My wife and I are both TINY, completely unthreatening people. I was hesitant to yell out the door last night because I didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that I’m a woman home alone.

    Any similar stories or advice appreciated. Partially this is just venting. Thanks!

    1. Someone is probably stalking your house to break in. If you have a dog that barks, thieves will generally bypass your house (don’t want to get bit). Otherwise, motion sensors and alarms are your friend. For now, put a dog’s water dish and a German Shepherd sticker by your front door.

    2. Also, consider having a very large guy friend sleep on a couch for a night or two as a favor to you (esp. if they have a large truck to park in your driveway).

      1. That seems like a huge overreaction. And I don’t know what you think the average guy is going to do that will stop a criminal that is committed to breaking in to a house with people in it.

        1. IDK if Canadians travel over American Thanksgiving, but we get a lot of casings around the holidays and then in the summer when people vacation. If you are getting cased and didn’t respond to the knocking, you may be giving an inadvertent message. Maybe they are casing your neighbors and just want to see if anyone will overhear that, but who knows? My city has a lot of property crime, but it’s merely property crime. [The non-property crime is awful, but tends to not be related to break-ins.]

          1. Canadians don’t travel over American Thanksgiving. It’s not a holiday at all here in any way. Exchange rate isn’t great at the moment and there’s so much available online that even people close to the border don’t really drive south on Friday for the sales anymore.

        1. Yes.

          But I’m remembering the story about the two guys being chased by a bear. You don’t have to outrun the bear. You just have to outrun the other guy.

      3. Or may Dad says to find a boyfreind who is a cop. If they see a patrol car there parked there every night, they will go away if they are smart And a cop generally knows what it takes to pleasea woman, so you can be a winner on both counts!

    3. I think it is a lot more likely that it was a kids prank, than that it was someone staking out your house. But I understand that you don’t feel comfortable, and no one should have to feel that way in their home. Assuming that you are willing to throw a small amount of money at this problem, I would start with getting a video doorbell. Something like Ring, which I’ve heard are easy to install and then you can see who is ringing the doorbell.

      1. Agreed. We have a Nest and would be able to see all of these interactions play out (even after the fact) to see what was going on.

      2. Thanks for your comment – I will pursue that. Last night, I did think the ringing was likely a kid’s prank. But when the door rang again at 6:40 this morning, I started to think otherwise. I don’t know that a kid would be up and out ringing doorbells in the neighbourhood at that hour. My neighbours also didn’t have the same issue last night (I saw a group of them at the bus stop this am and asked). So this seems more specifically targeted to my house.

    4. It could be that the wiring hooking up the doorbell is going. We had sort of similar sporadic ringing from some sort of short in our system. The doorbell eventually died and we bought a plug-in one instead of figuring out how to do the repair. Separately, that old doorbell also would sometimes ring on its own when it was really windy out.

      On the bright side, our dog stopped barking at every doorbell ring when he eventually learned there wasn’t always a guest. :)

    5. Sounds like a prank. Turning on the lights is a good way to show someone is home.

      And don’t be afraid to call the police if it happens again. It’s fine to say that someone is ringing your doorbell repeatedly and you are home alone and don’t feel safe to answer the door so could they swing a car by to check what is happening and if someone needs help.

      If someone does break in you call 911 immediately.

    6. It really could be a hardware issue with the doorbell! This happened to ours and we eventually just disconnected (years ago) and still haven’t replaced it. It was an older-style doorbell, and essentially, the button got stuck and then the doorbell would randomly ring at odd times and there would be no one there. This happened several times before we realized what happened. FWIW, I totally panicked the first time it happened at night – same as you, thinking “omg someone’s coming to kill us!” So, I totally get the panicking that would freak me out!! But test out pressing it a few times today and seeing if it gets stuck/rings on its own later.

      1. I’m really not laughing AT you, because that would 100% freak me out too, but I AM laughing at the idea that the murderer is going to ring the doorbell.

        1. “Hi, so sorry to bother you, but I was hoping to come in and murder you, do you have a minute?”

          1. Can you see who is at your door before you open it?

            I got an unexpected knock at the door last week and was grateful I could see who it was so I knew if it was safe to open the door (I would have erred on the side of not opening had it been at night or overnight).

      2. Our older doorbell got stuck a few times too in a combination of wet/windy/cold weather.

    7. Get a camera, stat. I have Wyze cams all over the place, because they’re really affordable.

      As far as what I’d do? Probably unleash a string of f bombs and throw things?

    8. “And finally, in the event that someone were to break in when I am actually home (which is what I feared might happen last night) – what is one supposed to do in that situation? Hide and call 911? Confront the person?”

      It’s the same run, hide, fight principle that they teach for dealing with mass shootings here in the U.S. (which you may not know about, because you’re fortunate to live in a place without mass shootings). If you can get out of the residence, get out and run to a neighbor’s house for assistance. Don’t stop to grab anything, even shoes or your phone, unless they are within fingertip reach.

      If you can’t get out, find a place to hide inside the residence where you are either unlikely to be found, or you can barricade the door. Closets and small bathrooms can work. Attic hatches that are accessible to you can work. In that case, DO grab your phone because you’ll need to call emergency services. Wedge anything against the door you can find that will keep it from opening and turn the light off. Don’t worry about staying totally silent – the intruder likely knows you’re there, and if the house isn’t large, you won’t be hard to find. It’s more important to tell 911 where you are and what’s happening.

      Fighting the intruder is a matter of absolute last resort. People vastly overestimate their ability to fight or use a weapon against an intruder. Most people freeze up. It even happens to people with fight/combat training. If you are confronted by the intruder, the goal should be to make as much noise as possible, vs. disabling the intruder. Scream, yell, turn over furniture, throw things, break windows, etc. Home invaders who break into homes where people are present are relying on catching people by surprise and intimidating them into cooperating. The first advantage you have is that you know they are there. The second is that you can use what’s in your environment to make a ruckus and hopefully draw attention. The more noise you make, the more likely it is that the intruder will decide this invasion is more trouble than it’s worth, and take off. Above all they do not want to be caught. They want that more than whatever they broke into your house looking for. If they have to kill you to avoid getting caught, they will; it’s easier for them to just leave. Make them want to leave. The crazier you can act, the better.

      (Source: I have multiple family members in law enforcement.)

      I’m really sorry this happened to you but I agree it’s likely to be a prank or a doorbell malfunction (we had one malfunction in a previous house but it rang continuously until we disconnected it; the rings weren’t random). Getting a Ring or Nest camera adds a lot of peace of mind – we love our Ring. It is good to be concerned and thinking about your action plan because home invasions do happen (but are rare). Hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight.

      1. Thank you for this really thoughtful and compassionate response. I know I probably sound paranoid, but I have a history of trauma and really was afraid last night. Appreciate your insight.

        1. Big hugs. It is scary when something like that happens; it’s okay to be scared. I hope it was a random one-off thing or something easily explainable (like a malfunctioning doorbell) and you won’t have any more trouble.

      2. Also, you can get an air horn (like a starter’s horn for swim meets) and that is so annoying that I’d leave you if you started setting that off.

      3. If they are trying to attack you personally (vs just steal stuff or do damage to a bunch of people), another line of defense is to act, for lack of a better term, batsh*t crazy. You may not be bigger than anyone, but you can still intimidate them by saying wild things like “Get over here! I’m going to scoop your eyes out with a melon baller!” to throw them off and buy time. It may deter them from thinking they can control your behavior with fear/violence.

    9. Oh my! This sounds really scary. I would first bring in an electrician to check the wiring of the doorbell, and to install a doorbell with a video function. I would add nighttime timers to turn on and off lamps in different parts of the house during the evening until 1 am or so. I would have a doorstopper in the bedroom to jam under the door as well as a bucket of canned goods (no kidding! this is what schools do now) to throw at someone as well as at the windows so you can scream and be heard. Keep your phone by the bed, and make sure all your windows and doors have good locks. Then, try not to worry! omg

    10. FWIW, I think it is a faulty doorbell wiring. The ringing throughout the night and into the morning aren’t consistent with someone testing to see if you are home and whether they can break into an empty house – once you turned on the lights, they knew you were home.

      My only piece of wisdom (also living in a large Canadian city with semis – probably the same as you, lol) is to always answer the door/turn the lights on when you hear the doorbell. This is a known way that people test whether a house is occupied, with most thieves only interested in stealing from empty homes.

    11. Oh this would be very scary. If I recall you correctly, I used to live a few blocks from you on Guigues and I found the neighborhood sometimes intimidating. There is a lot of very desperate behaviour associated with drug addiction so this could have been the source. I commute right through SH. I would do as people above said and call an electrician to check the bell and install a camera. Tell a neighbour and make a plan to use them as an emergency landing spot.

      1. Honestly, chat with all of your neighbors about this. We have a google group just for things like this.

    12. I agree with most of the sentiments here. It could be a prank or faulty doorbell, but it doesn’t hurt to prep yourself in case of an actual home robbery. I’d do the following:
      1) Double check that your windows and doors are closed and locked before bed
      2) Get an alarm system with door and window alerts when opened (so you can hear if someone comes into your house from its ring and the alarm will scare off a lazy/opportunistic unprofessional thief – probably not a real one)
      3) Get a ring or similar camera doorbell. Most thieves come in through the front door or back door, so getting a clear view of them as they approach helps to ward some off.
      4) Door locks are really easy to pick and door are very easy to kick in if the deadbolt is shallow or not bolted into the house with long nails through the frame. Get a security door stopper, especially one that you can prop up under the door handle to prevent kick-ins. Many thieves will stop after a handful of kicks because it gets loud and hard to get in. I have one and the door feels superglued when you try to force it open from the other side.

      If someone manages to get into your house after doing the above/taking reasonable other cautions, they are specifically targeting you. The goal is to make it as difficult and annoying as possible to rob you.

    13. I would call the police and report it. In my town they’d send someone by the house to check on it a bit more frequently

      1. There are many neighbourhoods in which that is simply not true – there are public crime mapping tools that show recent police reports if you care to investigate. Swarming, break and enters, and assaults are all common in my neighbourhood and by many accounts becoming moreso with the new(ish) safe injection site in Sandy Hill.

        1. Hi fellow Ottawan. I agree that you are probably overreacting. Get a doorbell cam, motion activated outdoor lights, etc. I live in a “dangerous” neighbourhood and I hardly ever feel unsafe. Maybe you need to move to the suburbs?

      2. I assumed this was Toronto. I lived in Ottawa, you’re fine. Worse case they were checking if someone was home before a B+E. I don’t think Ottawa ever has home invasions? I’ve never heard of one there and I lived there fore 5 years + my BFF still lives there.

        1. I grew up in Toronto, went to university in Toronto, rented and owned property in Toronto – I only moved to Ottawa three years ago in my 30s and you are just going to have to trust that my experience has been different from yours. I have experienced more behaviour that has made me feel unsafe in my own home and neighbourhood in Ottawa than I ever did in Toronto.

        1. Ottawa is literally the 3rd safest city in the country based on actual crime stats weighted for the severity of the crime.

          1. Why is it so important to you to try to invalidate the experience of a stranger on the internet? Different people have different lived experiences, this extends to whether they have experienced crime in a city or not and what their sensitivity is to crime. Nothing in the original post is making the case that Ottawa is dangerous. In fact, it says “I generally feel safe in my neighbourhood.”

          2. But remember OP hates Ottawa and resents her wife for making her live there. She will take any opportunity to make Ottawa evil.

          4. Anonymous 12:59 and Anon at 2:00, I hope you are not people who complain about “why does everyone on this board post anonymously” because this calling-out that you’re doing of the OP? That’s why people post anonymously.

            “But remember OP hates Ottawa and resents her wife for making her live there. She will take any opportunity to make Ottawa evil.”

            So? So what? What’s it to you? How does that affect your life? Are you seriously telling me that you have so much time and so little going on in your life that you can A. remember what people say on this board over months and months of posting and B. have the time to post repeatedly to call someone out on something they said previously? Do you have a job? Or a life? Maybe consider getting one of each.

      4. How do you know she lives in Ottawa? What a weird response. There are other large Canadian cities.

    15. If you don’t already have a security system in place, get one. Even if it’s just for peace of mind. SimpliSafe is super easy to install and pretty cheap (I paid maybe $350 for my condo’s setup, including a camera). Then put the “Guarded by SimpliSafe” signs up in your yard/windows as deterrents. If someone does try to enter the alarm will scream and they are likely to leave immediately rather then continue to call attention to themselves. You can also pay for monitoring so if the alarm goes off the system will immediately contact first responders.

      I live alone in a safer part of a major US city, so I get how scary it can be. Until I got the alarm system and a big dog (super friendly, but intruders don’t need to know that) I spent a lot of nights wondering whether that noise was the radiator or an intruder.

      Also, put out beat up dog items (toys, water bowl) and a “beware of dog” sign.

  10. I am going to a non romantic friend’s family home for 2 days post christmas since the office is closed, and I do not celebrate nor travel. I have cooked Moroccan meals on a few occasions and the friend loves it and shared photos of the food with his mother many times.
    I thought I would give the mother my semi famous handwritten Moroccan tagine recipe along with some of the more difficult to find ingredients e.g. Moroccan saffron, cured lemons etc. (they live in the countryside). This way she can try the recipe at home.
    I always like to nod to my culture but is that a bit meh or pushy as a hostess gift? The other option is a nice basket of bath oils in some of my favorite scents. I am also getting a coffee table book for the whole family.
    Also, there is no romantic spark or anything of the sort, so it is not a meet the parents scenario.

    1. I think this is a lovely gift but you might think about giving it with some form of words that makes really clear that it’s for her to try if and when she wants to and you’re not expecting her to cook this dish for you while you’re staying with them.

    2. Can you just ask your friend? If the mom likes to cook and is interested in trying new recipes, that sounds like a perfect gift. But lots of people like looking at fancy food, but don’t like to cook, don’t want to cook new things, or don’t like foods that they are not used to. Without knowing the person, it’s impossible to know what side she falls on.

    3. I think it’s kind of pushy to give a gift that you would want – food you like or scents you like. I would offer to cook them a Moroccan meal instead. And scented bath oils aren’t a great idea. What if they don’t like baths, or are sensitive to scents, etc. I would give something more standard like a bottle of wine and flowers.

      1. This is such an odd perspective. OP plans to give a gift with a personal touch that requires real thought and effort. That is so much more meaningful than a generic gift. Not that there’s anything wrong with giving something generic to someone you don’t know, but it’s super weird to criticize someone for making extra effort. It’s the thought that counts, after all.

        2. I don’t know, I kind of agree with Anon at 10:13. OP plans to bring a gift that she would like, but there does not seem to have been any thought put in to whether it is something that the person receiving it would like. Honestly, with either of those two gifts, I would have no use for them because I don’t cook or take baths. If you don’t know someone enough to know if they would enjoy something, a more standard gift is often better.

    4. Do you know if the mother enjoys cooking? If so, it sounds like a really lovely gift — or at least one that I would enjoy. (I like cooking, am not the best cook, but happy to try new things.) If the mother really doesn’t enjoy cooking, then maybe go with the bath oils.

      1. This is my thought, as well. I’d LOVE the tangine gift, but I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.

    5. With the caveat that I think my culture is pretty different, such a thoughtful and personal gift skews a little romantic in my opinion. And doing this very personal gift plus something more generic like a coffee table book is a lot – you don’t need to shower them in gifts. I would probably just do the coffee table book, or a bottle of wine or flowers, which are more standard hostess gifts in my culture.

    6. I think this is an incredibly thoughtful gift but, as others have noted, it is best for the “right” person — someone who you’re certain would appreciate and use these things. When my family stays at someone else’s home, I love bringing things for breakfast: bagels or pastries, a fruit basket, some good coffee. Is that an option where you are?

    7. Either gift sounds lovely, I would not spend any more energy thinking about this. Just note if you give the recipe and ingredients, you might be asked to make the dish!

    8. I think the sentiment is nice, but from a different perspective, it might feel like you’re gifting them a chore. If you give someone a recipe and a bunch of ingredients, they might expect to make it for you so you can see them appreciating the gift. Maybe give the hard to find exotic nonperishable ingredients and a Morrocan cookbook with your personal recipe handwritten inside?

    9. Thanks all for the different perspectives. I did specify this is not a romantic gesture because I come from a culture that gifts a lot and I don’t want to be misunderstood in other cultures. I am more of a much older sister to the friend and from a purely personal preference would never consider dating someone more than a decade younger than I am even if objectively there is nothing wrong with others doing it. It’s just not for me and I don’t want to be awkward.
      I think I will go for the recipe and spices. The mother loves to cook but I will make sure to specify that it’s for her to try at her own leisure. I am not keen on cooking at someone’s place, did not even think it was a thing…
      I also know she loves bath oils because my friend mentioned it and that he is not allowed to touch her good stuff.

      1. One thought: give it at the end of the trip, so she doesn’t feel she needs to cook it for you? This sounds like a lovely idea!

  11. Any reviews of the MMLF shoes? I am looking at the Zelda, which seems very appealing, but haven’t heard anything about their shoes before.

  12. Does anyone’s family still dress up for Thanksgiving dinner? Like, dresses/heels for the ladies and jackets/ties for the men? Both mine and DH’s family do, but we’ve gone to friends’ houses for the last several years and have been sorely overdressed. Last year, I wore a beautiful jacquard skirt and DH wore a tweed jacket & chinos, and there were other guests wearing athleisure. Are we waaay behind the times or is it still presumptuous to wear leggings to a holiday dinner at another’s home?

    1. With the caveat that I think it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed, I don’t think you need to dress so formally. My family doesn’t. I might wear jeans and a nice top.

    2. We dress up for thanksgiving! Heels, dresses, jacket, tie. I would absolutely dress up if invited out. If I got there and everyone looked like a lazy slob, I’d tone it down the next year.

    3. I wouldn’t wear athleisure wear, but I also don’t know anyone who dresses up. I’m going to a friend’s family for Thanksgiving this year and it will be the first time I meet her parents. I’m planning to wear jeans and a nicer top.

    4. Big caveat y’all that I’m the child of traditional southern parents:

      I think if you’re a guest, you dress as a guest, especially for an evening meal. If it is your family, YMMV. Athletic leggings or leggings as pants: not in my house. Non-athletic tights-like leggings with a sweater dress or tunic-length top? Seems fine.

      1. +1. The table will also be dressed with china, crystal, and grandmother’s silver. It’s so much fun.

    5. When my sister-in-law used to host Thanksgiving, I would get there early to help her prepare food and there were always lots of kids running around. I usually wore jeans and a knit top. I needed something comfortable to move around in and easily washable.

      1. This….I am cooking and serving 15 people tomorrow…if you’re working the holiday, you don’t need to dress up

    7. I guess this is a time to know your family or your social group. Dresses/heels/jackets/ties would be unthinkably overdressed with anyone I know, but I don’t hang out with Fancy People. We dress that way for weddings, but not even for church. I’m usually overdressed in my family when I’m wearing jeans, booties, and a sweater.

    8. We dress up…we are usually the most dressed up and there are people in yoga pants and I am cool with that! I don’t mind being that person.

    9. Our family has slowly evolved from dressy to jeans/casual pants and nice sweaters. Athleisure hasn’t been a thing in our family yet. We have 25 people, ages ranging from 16-70.

    10. My family falls in the middle – my grandfather would be in a coat and tie but with that generations passing we’ve gotten a bit more casual. Nobody, even the kids, wear jeans let alone athleisure.

      Both sides of my family, the men wear khakis with a button down, probably with a sweater or quarter zip but no tie or jacket. Women tend to wear dresses, skirts, or dressier pants. I’m planning on wearing a dress that I usually wear to work (business casual workplace – it’s from j crew factory and is super versatile), a flowy long cardigan, tights and booties.

      Honestly, I like that we’re still dressier for holidays and other special occasions.

    11. I think dressy casual is the standard outfit for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nice jeans and a sweater or a sweaterdress is pretty standard. If nice clothes are expected, usually the host will let you know.

    12. Honestly I’m trying to picture my mom’s reaction if I showed up in jeans, let alone leggings tomorrow…

      Let’s just say it would not be pretty

    13. I had a reading-comprehension fail and honest to god thought you were saying your family dresses up … as Pilgrims. Why am I even at work? My brain is not working. All I can do to today is damage.

      1. HAHA this made me laugh out loud!

        Also some years ago I invited my then-boss and his family for Thanksgiving and the three elementary-aged kids dressed up as Pilgrims. So cute! (If, I know, culturally insensitive. It was a long time ago.)

    14. My mom always wanted us to dress up when we were kids, but when my brother & SIL started hosting, we went more to smart casual. I’ll be in dark jeans with a nice top & sweater; DH will be something similar. We try to do a round of family photos at some point during the day, so wearing something a step up from the day-to-day around the house clothes is considered a good idea unless we want to be immortalized in sweats. One one nieces did once. She was terribly embarrassed by the photos later.

    16. I guess I probably wouldn’t wear athleisure if I were going somewhere where I was not family or good friends with the host. But I certainly wouldn’t spend my time judging people who did, I’ve got way better things to do. Like scarf some green bean casserole.

    17. We do smart casual (jeans and nice sweaters, say — this year I’m wearing my new pleather leggings!) but I would love to really dress up.

    18. The nicest dressed people on any side of my or my spouse’s families would be wearing dark jeans or business casual pants with a sweater or button down. Definitely no jackets, ties, work dresses, or dress shoes. The most casually dressed people would be wearing nicer athleisure (like leggings and a new fleece top, nothing old or worn).

      My mom’s parents are no strangers to fancier meals with china, but (a) they make the dress code very clear and (b) whole family gatherings at someone’s home inevitably involve people sitting everywhere to eat (floor, backyard, card tables, jungle gym) because there are so many people, so those big holidays are never fancy.

    19. We do sweater dress + tights/collared shirt level of dressiness for thanksgiving, but jacket and dress for Christmas. Jeans for men (or women) would be fine with an overall dressier look- like a business casual office on jeans Fridays.

      New England.

  13. Is Veuve Cliquot a fancy champagne? Good to bring to Thanksgiving as a hostess gift? Good to give with champagne flutes as a wedding gift? Signed, a PBR-drinking redneck

    3. It’s a nice champagne but it is not a super fancy champagne (like Krug). It would be a great hostess gift, but I personally wouldn’t gift it for a wedding.

    5. Let’s put it this way – anyone for whom Veuve is “not fancy enough” has literal champagne tastes (haha) that I can’t accommodate within my gift budget. I think it’s a very lovely hostess gift or wedding gift with some nice champagne glasses included.

    7. It’s hard for me to imagine someone thinking Veuve is low class. It’s the champagne of choice of Heather Dubrow, the Real Housewife of OC, who was dubbed “fancypants” on the show and has a house worth $20M… It’s certainly considered pretty fancy in my “wealthy enough for a lot of luxuries but still need to work for a living” circles.

      1. I am definitely from the beer side of the tracks, but I thought Veuve was THE champagne. (Excuse my mixed metaphors.)

    8. Yes, and did you know that “veuve” is French for “widow,” and Mme. Clicquot took over the winery after her husband’s death, and pretty much invented champagne?

  14. What would you buy as a holiday gift for this person?

    42 years old, married, with a dog and 5 kids (ranging in age from 4 to 15)
    Athletic; works out either by running or attending fitness boot camp classes
    Does not like wearable tech and is not an early adopter of new technology items
    Reads but not voraciously
    Politically conservative
    Spends a lot of time in the car managing her kids’ routines (they’re mostly in sports); coaches volleyball for two of her kids
    Works 2 days per week in an on-your-feet job (surgical physician’s assistant)
    Simple jewelry tastes
    Can afford to buy herself pretty much whatever she wants
    Does not drink coffee or wine; drinks mostly beer or hard seltzer

    HELP. This is my sister-in-law and she’s the HARDEST to buy for at the holidays.

      1. While the OP didn’t post a budget for this gift, I am surprised by this and the Athleta suggestion. The budget for a “selection” at these places would start at like $300?

        1. I spend about $150 per family member. That could easily get a pair of leggings and a top or 3 tops at either store. That is a selection to me.

        1. I hate getting stuff from Lululemon, because I hate the politics of their founder and his view of plus-sized people. But I have no reason to think that Op’s SIL would have the same objections

    3. I dated a runner once and they seem to go through a lot of shoes (and like to do things like get new socks / hat / gloves). Can you find out which running store she likes and get a gift card? Talk to your sibling about what she wants / likes?

      Is there a local volleyball league where you can make a charitable gift in her honor (sponsor kids / outreach / etc.)?

    4. How about some jewelry from Soko? I’m eyeing it for my sister-in-law for Christmas. Simple but a bit interesting, with a cool story. If you know her well enough to have an idea for any fitness gear she might like, that’s an idea — I usually like the various lights, reflective gear and other running stuff my family has gotten me, but usually it’s because I specifically request those things :)

    5. Fancy beer with glasses? I think Chimay and Ommegang have gift sets this time of year – usually one of their large format beers and two glasses.

    6. Does she wear a lot of athleisure? If so, I would get some stuff from Athleta with a gift receipt.

      1. +1. I work from home and wear a lot of athleisure these days, and I have started to vastly prefer Athleta to lululemon.

    7. Would she like local beer? Any other consumables like fancy chocolate from a local shop or similar? If your budget is higher than that, what about something like a flowers of the month club for a few months or something like that?

    8. Microbrew of the month club? (Caveat that they are supposed to get a signature before delivery, but often don’t bother.)

    9. I think this is my boss. A gift card to a boutique fitness studio from the team was a hit. (Don’t ask why we gift up here. I hate it, but not enough to suffer the consequences of speaking up.)

    10. What is her climate? As a casual runner in an area where winters are cold, I appreciate cold-weather running gear. I liked a gift of running turtlenecks/jackets and warm pants. If your budget isn’t quite Lululemon territory, I have received LL Bean and Kohls stuff that I like and use. I am not into lots of tech stuff, but I like having a running belt for my phone. Also, I can’t have enough really good socks, which are annoyingly expensive to buy for myself.

      1. +1 – good running socks are fantastic. If she’s in a cold weather climate, running socks with a little wool or other insulating property might be nice.

        If she’s in the car a lot, does she enjoy audiobooks? I think you can give Audible credits and you could give those with suggestions to redeem. She might like Daring Greatly or something similar.

  15. Does anyone know if Express has phased out the standard style of their Portofino shirt? These used to be available in multiple colors and without extra details, but the only versions now on their webs*te have all kinds of extra frills.

  16. Winter jacket recommendations? It’s in the low 30s in the Bay Area and my wind jacket is not cutting it anymore. I was looking at something like the long version of the Nanopuff but my daughter and husband have one and I don’t want us to turn in the “Nanopuff Family”.

    1. LOL, I was going to suggest my Patagonia down jacket, but that’s probably too similar to the Nanopuff for your taste. It’s pretty hard to beat the practicality…

      That said, the high pile sherpa fleeces that are popular right now are pretty fun, and the retro styling really fits my vibe. Maybe yours too?

    2. Also in the Bay Area, for the type of jacket I sense you are looking for I personally try to get waterproof over water resistant since our coldest season also overlaps with our rainiest season. More expensive, but in my opinion worth the investment. I do walk ~15 minutes as part of my daily commute each way though rain or shine, so that might be why I think that & may not be as applicable to everyone.
      (I personally have a Lululemon one: https://shop.lululemon.com/p/jackets-and-hoodies-jackets/Winter-Warrior-Parka/_/prod9200642?color=28948 but I got it on sale at the end of last season & it looks like a lot of people have zipper issues, although I do not. Maybe you can find something similar but more reasonable especially on Black Friday).

      1. Thanks that’s cute! I found a similar one at Prana that I’ll go try as well. The suspenders are fun, I would’ve loved those when I was using public transit.

    4. Ha ha! Nanopuff family! We were behind that family checking in for a flight once. All 5 oft them outfitted top to toe in Patagonia, North Face, Etc. All their luggage matched, but different colors for each person.

  17. Just looking for some commiseration and support. I had to say goodbye to my beloved senior dog on Monday. We had a lot of great times together, and it was the right timing as he had multiple cancers and was going downhill pretty fast. But my heart is just broken. I had been hoping to spend the long Thanksgiving weekend just giving him all of the love and attention. My home feels so empty and sad now.

    1. Oof. Losing a pet is really hard :( Take good care of yourself and try to remember you gave him such a great life with lots of love.

    3. Oh I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, big hug to you xo

    5. I am sorry. Are you able to get yourself out of the house last minute? Several years ago, we had to put down our dog a few weeks before Thanksgiving and went out of town both Thanksgiving and Christmas/NYE because having time off from work and being in the house without our dog was so sad.

    6. I am so sorry. We love them so much and don’t deserve them.

      I don’t doubt your fella was the goodest boy. Hope you take good care of yourself!

    7. Aw, I’m so sorry. We’ve gone through this three times in the last 10 years and expect to do so again sometime this year. Saying goodbye is so hard, and the first few months are not easy. Try not to second-guess yourself about the timing of the goodbye as you know if it’s the right time, even if they seem to rally as they try to be strong for you.

      Big hugs from me, and wet sloppy kisses from my three pooches.

    8. So sorry. We had to say good-bye to my beloved cat the weekend of our first wedding anniversary. Losing a pet is always sad, but can seem extra sad when it happens so close to a holiday or anniversary. Hugs, and try to focus (to the extent you can) on all the great times that you’re thankful for!

    9. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s very difficult to say goodbye to a pet. My deepest condolences.

  18. It seems like student loans are a big issue now (vs when I went to State U). I’m wondering — is this something where the financial counseling is inadequate (you don’t appreciate how much you are borrowing vs how hard it will be to pay back vs likely salary and living expenses)? Costs just got to be too much (had to do another semester, perhaps b/c you couldn’t get classes or switched majors or needed to do a practicum or student teaching)?

    Have stepkid in college and am a bit stabby re how many things are flung at him and his peers (apartments with lazy rivers) with no sobering discussion of cost of this vs basic apartment, etc. He’s not the savviest, but bypassed that by being an RA (but in “student” housing that has granite counters — WTF). But I hear him and his friends when they are home from break and am just really sad for how in 2 years when the graduate life will suddenly seem (to them) to be very different (in our city, the apartments they want are about 2K/month for a 2BR). And we’ve had to explain to him that he can’t go to various Caribbean islands over spring break b/c we are committed to him graduating debt-free, but that means no fluff and no extras.

    I just read “Unspoiled” b/c it was mentioned here and am wishing I had done that 10 years ago.

    1. All of the above is the answer. College costs more. Students can be counselled on the numbers (but this wouldn’t be done by college counselors at the beginning but rather HS counselors, who don’t usually have the bandwidth for that) but do not really have a sense of what the monthly payment amount will mean in terms of impact on their lives – and really how would they if they’ve never paid for housing, food, transport, etc. on their own? And by and large, they don’t have a choice if they want to go to a four year school. It is impossible to work your way through school at all but the cheapest colleges – and that would only net you tuition. You always hear “well go to community college then transfer”. It’s simply not that easy. Getting in right after HS does not guarantee admittance two or three years later. And that means a four year degree can easily turn into a 7 year degree.

      You also touch on “fancy accommodations” – that’s just what the schools have now. You can’t judge your son for living in university housing that happens to have granite countertops when the alternative is crappy and possibly dangerous off campus housing that is honestly probably more expensive. The school chose to build that not him.

      1. It’s a combination of lack of counseling and understanding of budgets/costs of adulthood and that college is so much more expensive. I don’t think that having to add an extra semester is a contributing factor. From what I can see, there is much more of an focus on graduating in 4 years now compared to when I was in college 20 years ago simply because the costs are so much more significant for each semester.

      2. +1
        At many schools, it’s far, far easier to get scholarships (academic, activity, sports) as an incoming freshman than as a transfer student. If you came in as a freshman with decent high school grades, odds are that you could get 50% or better in scholarships between all the different programs they offered (tribal members, veterans, academic, athletic, arts, local affiliated church member, etc.) plus any need-based aid. If you came in as a transfer student, you would be lucky to get 20% before needs-based aid.

        1. This was supposed to say “at my small liberal arts college, if you came in as a freshman…”

    3. In my experience, it’s the first reason you cited. Inadequate information about what it will be like to pay them back on a just-out-of-college salary, to the point where certain people were even encouraging taking out student loans because it is “good debt.” Also, it’s one thing to have someone tell you when you are 17 years old “you’ll have to pay back ___ and your monthly payments will be _____” and another thing to actually have to deal with that reality 4 years later. Good for you for encouraging a debt-free education for your son!

      1. When I was 17 and applying to colleges and 18 and signing for those loans, I had absolutely no idea what any of it meant. And I think neither do the vast majority of kids in that position. I’m in my mid-30s and was told that colleges would give me “enough” aid since my family was low income, and that if I had to take out loans (I did) they would be easy to pay back. These were all lies, but at that age, coming from a family that couldn’t help me navigate these things, I made some mistakes.

        Also, EVERYONE has granite counters now, and constant vacations. People form their ideas of the minimum of how to live from TV, and then take on debt or spend all their money until they achieve that standard of living. This isn’t just limited to college students but everyone — all of us as a society need to calm down.

      2. They need to learn how to budget. If the numbers feel amorphous on both sides of the equation – income and expenses – you get into the situations many people find themselves in after graduation. Parents, schools, counselors, colleges need to walk students through the expected income for careers they are likely to get – analyst roles, not the VP role! – and what expenses are required and show them how much money is left over. Or how much is not. This is really basic financial literacy and no one seems to provide it anymore.

        A corollary – most people aren’t the “exception”! Even your kids! If average salaries for a 1st year analyst role are $30-50k, use $40k. Or $30k! Your kid might end up waiting tables for years. Not everyone will be at the top. Not everyone will get the fancy i-banking job or law school degree.

        1. And parents need to be honest with their kids about what their budgets look like, and how much all that stuff the kids take for granted costs. I can’t blame the kids for not understanding budgeting when they’ve never been taught about it at school or at home.

    4. I’ll admit that I still have a ton of student loans from law school that I’m working to pay off. I don’t recall receiving any financial counseling about taking out loans, but I could just not be remembering correctly. I think part of the issue that they let you borrow up to the cost of attendance and also that they advertise all of the payment options – pay as you earn, income based repayment, public service loan forgiveness… so you’re getting a ton of money, but also you are told that you can pay it off in all sorts of different ways. Wasn’t it the case that you used to be capped at a much lower dollar amount for what you could borrow? If I couldn’t have borrowed as much as I did, then I might have not gone to law school at all, honestly.

      I have a job now that allows me to make large payments on my loans, but I started out with an hourly job that paid about 1/6 of what I make now. So, my loans only grew because I was only making minimum payments. My plan had be a public service job, but I couldn’t land any of those, so I had to take a job that actually paid any amount of money. I also (looking back) didn’t make the smartest choices by going to law school and then not being aggressive as I could be with my loans. I’m only now getting truly serious about paying them. I also don’t think I’m alone in being a relatively intelligent person, but just have a blind spot about my loans and didn’t fully appreciate what it would mean when I took them out. I make my payments on them and then balance is going down, but I also just try to not think about them.

      1. “Wasn’t it the case that you used to be capped at a much lower dollar amount for what you could borrow?”

        No, you could always borrow the full cost of attendance. But the cost of attendance used to be much, MUCH lower.

        1. That is not entirely true. Undergraduate institutions generally have a max amount of family contribution and federal aid, and you can choose to fill the gap with private loans. It used to be similar in grad school, and then the government took over grad borrowing and now back graduate loans 100%, meaning you don’t need private loans to fill the gap between your contribution and fed loans to the cost of attendance.

          1. Right, but private loans are still loans. You could always get some kind of loan for the full cost.

        2. I’m anon at 12:32… I guess I was thinking that the federal PLUS loans to bridge the gap up to the full cost of attendance were not always around (and were private loans). But I think generally you just have a lot of people who are either just turning a blind eye to what they are actually getting themselves into, and no matter how much counseling you give them before taking out the loans, they’re just not going to get it. I think some of it is smart people making a relatively dumb decision, and you have not smart people making the same dumb decision. Until you are limited/capped at how much money you can borrow for school, a lot of people are going to borrow too much.

    5. This just seems willfully out of touch. Read literally any of the dozens of articles the NYTimes alone has published on the student debt crisis.

      1. I’m not sure I’m reading the same articles, but there is almost makes trade schools and for-profit schools seem honest. Or subprime auto lending. NO discussion of likely salary for major, NO discussion of repayment obligations, NO discussion of likely expenses in nearby cities (most schools are not NYP where you may go off into the whole wide world after finishing), NO discussion of “not dischargeable in bankruptcy,” NO discussion of “you have to repay even if you don’t finish your degree.” It is really shocking that schools are able to ruin people’s lives like this. Even at, say, Harvard, if I borrowed all of it for a BA in art history, me, a non-rich person, would never be able to afford to repay that with the hourly job at the Gap that I’d be lucky to land. Maybe I could teach with it? But it’s as if they expect you go to on to law school + BigLaw as the crapshoot move that will let you pay it all back. I swear most kids would be better off learning to cut hair or be welders. Going in debt for 3/4th of a communications degree that you never finish from non-flagship State U is a fate worse that death and prison, but not much else.

        1. “NO discussion of likely salary for major, NO discussion of repayment obligations, NO discussion of likely expenses in nearby cities (most schools are not NYP where you may go off into the whole wide world after finishing), NO discussion of “not dischargeable in bankruptcy,” NO discussion of “you have to repay even if you don’t finish your degree.”

          I took out student loans in 2010 for grad school and was told (or encouraged to research and pointed to resources for) all of that. The financial aid counseling I got was from my school but they had pulled most of the content from federal sources. I got my master’s online and the counseling was done through online training, but it included a calculator that told me how much my monthly payment would be if I took out X amount of loans. I spent a lot of time running numbers in that calculator to make sure I understood the situation I was getting myself into. To someone else’s point, I was an adult with a household and so understood what that $250 minimum monthly payment amount would mean to our household budget much better than a kid who has no idea about budgeting. But I think you’re making a lot of sweeping assumptions about what people are and are not being told (and what they’re paying attention to).

          I took out a $35k student loan to pay for graduate school knowing I could at least afford the monthly payment on what my husband and I were making even right then. I graduated in 2012 and two months later got a job making $18,000 more than I had been making. Two years ago I got a job making *triple* what I made before I went to grad school (and I could not have gotten the job I have without the graduate degree). I chose to get a degree in a niche field where there is demand and are jobs, which I think is key. The remaining balance on my loan will get paid off in January. We could not have afforded to pay for my school outright without loans with what we were making when I went to school. It was a calculated risk; for me it paid off. It pays off for some people. Student loans that are taken out with careful consideration and analysis don’t have to be a financial disaster.

          Should there be more proactive counseling of kids going to college? Absolutely. However, there is this thing called “the internet” where kids can get all kinds of information, including information about student loans – it’s not just for watching YouTube videos. If college-bound students can research colleges online they can also research college financing. And hopefully have honest conversations with people in their lives about what the numbers mean for them.

    6. College is way more expensive now, but students also hear a bunch of nonsense about following their passion and doing what they love. It is nice to love what you do, but it is not practical for most of us.

      1. How is college so much more expensive than it used to be? 75% of classes seem to be taught by “Lecturers” or adjuncts who are maybe paid 5K per class. So the $ isn’t going into teaching. Is it the granite? And the lazy rivers? It’s like a MOOC might delivery better value, but b/c it’s not a real university class, it’s not.

        I am so making my kids work at Starbucks just so they have $ and access to Arizona State classes online. There is one they can walk to from our house and the minute they are legal to work I will make sure they get working papers.

        1. Colleges pay administrators way more than they used to and also have more administrators and more levels of management. They also do invest a lot of money into cafeterias, fitness centers, student housing, etc. because that’s what makes for good photos for the website and the brochures and that’s what impresses kids during college visits. We have some higher ed people here who may be able to provide more detail on this.

          “I am so making my kids work at Starbucks just so they have $ and access to Arizona State classes online. There is one they can walk to from our house and the minute they are legal to work I will make sure they get working papers.”

          This is a really extreme position to take and also questionable parenting, IMO. We are already starting to have very honest conversations with our 13-year-old about college and how to pay for it. We are in a state that offers an extremely subsidized college education to in-state residents and the schools he has to choose from are not too shabby. However, this is his life and his trajectory and I don’t get to dictate what happens to him after he turns 18. We have been saving for his college since he was born and have a low-5-figure amount in 529s, which will increase as we increase contributions over the next few years. It won’t be enough to pay for anything outright. He will have to get scholarships and work during school. He is welcome to attend our local university and live at home if that’s what he wants. However, if he wants something different, we will try to help him explore that as much as possible, with the limit that we won’t be taking out PLUS loans for his education if his college savings and what we can contribute from income don’t get him where he needs to be. I will do my damndest to sit with him and run numbers and show and tell him what a $100k student loan will do to his life after college, but at the end of the day he is his own person and makes his own choices, which he then has to live with. If he gets into MIT or CalTech and thinks the debt is worth it, I have faith he will be able to make that work somehow. I am not parenting to create a clone of myself or to create a human being I control like a puppet well into their adulthood. If you are, I would re-examine that.

        2. The adjuncts might be paid like crap, but the full professors who have been around for decades command hefty salaries/pensions. Bonus for those that refuse to retire and skirt their teaching and service obligations.

          1. This isn’t why college has become more expensive.

            And I realize that there must be some professors who are checked out. But it’s become so hard to make tenure that I think most professors are completely addicted to working long hours by the time they no longer need to. Even emeriti, who have retired and let go entirely of teaching and service, often burn the midnight oil on their research work.

        3. A summary of the Public Policy Institute of California’s findings: In California in-state tuition for public schools has more than tripled over the past 20 years. At the same time, expenditures have not increased significantly. The tuition increases are driven by dramatic reductions in state subsidies to the schools.

          My own take is that granite, etc. is an effort by the schools to bring in out of state and foreign students who pay much higher tuition and help them make up the short-fall in the state funding.

          And I caution against thinking you are going to “make” your children do anything once they are adults, or that the amount they will make working part-time at Starbucks is going to make a dent in their college costs. You can (and should) tell them how much you are willing to fund, but the decision is really up to them.

    7. Re: the Caribbean islands point, I think this depends so much on socio-economic status and family values. I went to an expensive but very academics-focused undergrad school. Most people I know (me included) had parents footing the bill, but none of us traveled extravagantly. Not to say we never took spring break trips, but they were of the “we found $400 plane tickets to Europe and we’re going to stay in hostels” variety. Camping was also popular, or trips that were subsidized through the school. Our parents were (mostly) paying $60k/year in tuition but couldn’t, or didn’t want to, give us lots of spending money on top of that.
      In law school, there were more kids on loans (me included) but it was a pretty big shock that the people whose parents were paying their way also received the money to take really nice, adult vacations at every school break.

    8. College is way more expensive and students don’t have a true concept of what $x amount of student loans or $y payment a month means because they are not used to having to budget and pay for everything. But this is all just a part of the general lack of financial knowledge and education in the US. We as a country don’t understand finances.

    9. I mean, you have internet access obviously, why don’t you do some research? Start by looking at the increase in the cost of college vs. the increase in wages. Also, students who have graduated in the past couple decades have had “GO TO COLLEGE” drummed into them since birth so it’s not fair to say they should have known better.

      1. If everyone walked off a cliff, would you (the royal “you”)? Why do we not take some personal responsibility on this? Do we need lazy rivers? Do we want to pay for them? Does that degree support a likely job? We are failing our kids by not explaining this stuff to them. All of us.

    10. The Philadelphia Inquirer just posted a story about how expensive PA state schools (especially the ones worth their salt) are. Penn State is the most expensive flagship school. PA’s funding for state schools has been drastically cut. Penn State, Pitt and Temple are all semi public, which adds to the cost.

    11. In addition to these – tuition and loan costs rise while you’re in school, but no one tells you that will happen or how much it will be. My first year of law school, my (federal) interest rate was around 5%. By the time I graduated, it was 8.5%. Tuition also went up every year. I’m in a multi-year degree program, the costs should be fixed for the normal duration of the program. Otherwise it is literally impossible to know what you’re getting yourself into.

      I can’t think of another context where this happens. My mortgage company can’t just decide, hey we want more money, we’re going to bump your interest rate from 4% to 7% and we’re going to add another $10k onto your principal every year.

    12. This isn’t just a college issue. My 21yo sister who did not go to college is struggling right now because she and her husband (also did not go to college) think they will immediately be able to live like their parents and don’t have a good grasp of building a career, budgeting, etc. They want to do the working dad/SAHM homeschooling mom thing and have as many kids as possible right away, but his job history is entry level retail and they don’t want for her to work. They got a rental house they can’t afford in the suburbs (because they want to have kids, and you don’t have kids in an apartment!), he applies to jobs way out of his league (and field) and is shocked when they don’t recognize his “potential”, and neither one of them wants to get training or certification. They just want their parents’ incomes and lifestyles now (and don’t think they need their parents’ college degrees or work histories to get there).

      We need better personal finance education, either from parents or from schools or both. We also need more support for higher education in all forms (certifications, 4 year college, grad school, trade school). Right now there’s a dichotomy of “follow your dreams and go to college” vs “college is a useless waste of money” but no real concrete ways for young people to figure out what they want to do and the best way to do it.

      1. Do you just want to slam your head into a wall when you talk to your sister? I have cousins with similar viewpoints and that’s what I want to do when I talk to them. They all want to live in a house like mine (which took us 20 years to be able to afford), drive a nicer car than I do (hey, it’s a Hyundai but it’s paid for) and take more/better vacations than we take (probably not understanding that our carefully-budgeted vacations still cost us $3-4k a pop).

        I think people don’t understand finances because nobody wants to talk about money, even to their own family members. I was taught that even mentioning money to friends or family members was gauche and socially unacceptable, and that has carried over to my cousins, which is probably why they have such unrealistic expectations – they don’t know a thing about how money works. My parents didn’t tell me bupkis about how they ran the household and budgeted, and so when I went to college and then when I got out, I had no clue how to do things and ended up in credit-card debt pretty fast. I’ve learned more about personal finance reading here than I ever did from my family or even my friends – probably because here, people are anonymous.

        1. I don’t understand my sister’s life or priorities at all. I do understand that because she’s younger than I am, she doesn’t have some of the early memories that I do of our parents struggling. She doesn’t remember how tight the family budget was during the recession, nor does she remember most of the DIY renovation process of my parents turning their rather ugly, outdated house into the gorgeous (and much more valuable) home it is now. My parents also went through a shift from a more typical family to a very conservative, mothers must stay at home sort of family. I know that both of my parents worked a lot to get where they are now, but I think she (and other children with older/more established parents) just see the fruit of that work and assume that that’s what their adult life has always looked like.

  19. I have perennials in my driveway-side flower bed that are done for the season. I have no idea what they are. I’m near certain they need trimming back and would love to before everyone arrives tomorrow. They are tall and they are very dead for the season right now. Is it safe to just cut them so that about 8-10 inches of stem is left like I see all of the other houses around me?

    I’m trying to find the flower on line to confirm cutting back is appropriate but I can’t identify them. They grow to have pretty tall stems, they flower in small bunches and the bunches are flat-looking. They were pink and turned purple as the summer/fall went on. Bumble bees were ALL OVER THEM – most bees I’ve seen ever. I’m in New England, if that matters. Any one with a green thumb have any idea if (1) I can just go ahead and cut back or (b) what the heck this flower is?

    Bought the house in July so these are new-to-me flowers but I’ve noticed them at a few houses in my neighborhood so they’re probably nothing crazy exotic. TIA!!

    1. also a gardener in Boston – you have permission to cut.
      they’re likely looking like crap given our recent freeze. I cut everything down to the ground – or whatever length you like. If it’s a perennial – the root is there and it will come back. if annual, it wasn’t coming back anyway.

      Pink and turned purple in bunches? I have no idea what they are unfortunately… any smell? Any herbal element to the smell? (bergamot? earl grey tea?) could be Monarda/BeeBalm. very hardy and native!

      …also lemme pimp the West Roxbury Evening Garden Club, if you happen to be a neighbor. come hang with me! :)

      1. It sounds like it could be phlox for me too. You’re almost always safe to cut dead flowers down to the leaves. Many plants (like my salvia and coneflowers) can basically be cut to a few inches because the entire plant grows again in the spring.

    6. I recommend the Seek ap by iNaturalist, it uses the phone’s camera to identify plants/animals.

      I would cut them back!

  20. I work in a very male dominated and conservative field and the bs and other stuff I have to deal with is making me feel pulled down and exhausted. I’m one of the only woman that works here, the few others are in reception positions (but even those admin and reception positions are dominated by men here) and it’s the same at other places in my industry. The industry tends to lean conservative as well, and I’m gay. I am so sick of having to be twice or three times as good just to get a look. I recognize that non-white women face even more barriers than I do in this field. I hate it so much. I see outside of work where mediocre men get to the top whereas more competent and qualified women get nowhere. I see happen in other places outside my work, like politics for example (Pete Buttigieg, Bill Clinton). Does anyone have any tips for dealing with the exhaustion and weight you feel in this situation. It would be appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Since when is Pete Buttigieg a mediocre white man? I’m not a huge supporter of him or anything but your characterization is so far off.

      1. Not OP, and I don’t think Pete is “mediocre” but I do think that there’s no way on earth a woman or POC who is as young and unexperienced as he is would be a serious contender for the nomination. The standard IS very different for white men and it’s very frustrating.

        1. +1. Obama had a lot more experience when he ran in 2007, and all the discussion at that time was hoe he wasn’t qualified to be president.

      2. +1 these are odd choices for political examples that make the whole thing look like a weird political bridge dweller’s ramblings.

        Like your frustration with work is compounded by the fact that the governor of Arkansas, a Rhodes scholar and Yale law grad, was elected President in 1992? That’s the person who currently frustrates you about double standards with regard to race, gender and merit in American politics? Wow.

        1. I assume Bill Clinton was included because of the sleaze factor not because of his academic qualifications or lack thereof.

          1. Expect that’s not at all what she was talking about. There’s no sleeze factor discussed:

            “I see outside of work where mediocre men get to the top whereas more competent and qualified women get nowhere. I see happen in other places outside my work, like politics for example (Pete Buttigieg, Bill Clinton). “

            Again, if your political example of a less qualified man getting picked over a more qualified woman is somehow Bill Clinton, I think you’re deliberately omitting the most example of this in recent history. Probably in a deliberate way meant to upset people.

          2. FWIW, I’m super liberal and assumed OP omitted Trump because she was trying to make the point that this is an issue even among “woke” people who profess to not be sexist, not because she’s a right-wing troll trying to stir up drama. I know that a lot of my friends and I have recently been discussing the less qualified man vs overqualified women thing and the discussions have been centering around Warren vs Buttigieg, even though obviously Trump is far less qualified (and a much worse person) than either of them. The Democratic primary is more current than the 2016 general election, plus everyone we know thinks Trump is horrible and horribly unqualified, so it’s not really an interesting issue to discuss.

          3. I see where you’re coming from with regard to Pete.

            It doesn’t make sense to me that a well meaning person would reach past trump to the 1990s to pretend Bill Clinton was less qualified than a fictional female opponent. It’s not an intellectually honest example for the op to throw out there.

          4. I assumed Bill Clinton was brought up in contrast to Hillary Clinton (though I’ve never actually compared their qualifications side-by-side).

    3. If a multilingual, magna cum laude Harvard graduate, Rhodes Scholar Oxford Graduate, commended/medaled military officer, Truman National Security Fellow, classically trained musician who can play solos at the Symphony level is mediocre and gets elected mayor before the age of 30 is mediocre, than god help the rest of us.

      1. No woman whose only political experience was being mayor of a fairly small city in flyover country could ever be taken seriously in the race for president. That’s the point. See also Beto O’Rourke and Jason Kander, who was thrown around as a 2020 name after a brief stint in local politics and an unsuccessful Senate race. TBH, I think all these comments are weirdly defensive. I like Pete and Jason Kander as people and politicians (Beto not so much) but there’s obviously a double standard.

        1. +1. Buttigeig is an extremely impressive person in his skills and resume, but as a presidential candidate, a woman with all of the same who was mayor of South Bend would be laughed at.

        2. The whole Beto thing makes so much more sense when you know how well he married.

      2. I went to Harvard with Pete. There were 100 other Petes there. He is a genuinely nice and smart person. He was also privileged with private school and an educated, well off 2 parent family. I agree that a woman or POC would not be where he is.

      3. I think we’ll be able to see if AOC is able to marshall support like Mayor Pete (who I believe is propped up by Mark Zuckerberg).

    4. Sorry you brought up examples of politicians that distracted from what is likely to be your realistic assessment of mediocre white men promoting other mediocre white men in conservative industries….this is nothing new and won’t stop until the leadership changes and diversity is valued in these organizations and institutions. What do you do about the exhaustion? Simply put, you decide you have had enough and find a new job in a better company, possibly in a different industry….there are better leaders and organizations that prioritize diversity.

    5. Set your own personal goals and treat work as a way to get there. You can see it as just a way to pay the bills and not invest, or as a way to get great experience and then go on to something else, or as your opportunity to prove the patriarchy wrong, in which case you lean in and fight for recognition and promotion.

  21. I promised someone yesterday that I would post my recipe for a gluten free sugar cookie. We actually use the Betty Crocker yellow cake mix, plus 1/2 cup softened butter, 1 tsp vanilla, and 1 egg. Combine all ingredients, make into balls, bake 9-12 minutes at 350. Honestly this recipe feels like a cheat so here’s some more general baking:
    Whoever posted said Cup 4 Cup isn’t working for them. Give Better Batter a try! Also xanthan gum and cream of tartar are really helpful; don’t ever omit those when they’re called for. For soft cookies, use room temperature eggs.
    GF baked goods tend not to brown very well so it took us a while to convince ourselves that seemingly underbaked cookies are in fact done.

      1. They make a great series of GF mixes – yellow, chocolate, cookies, brownies – that most grocery stores and Walmart carry.

    2. Chiming in to add that the Bob’s red mill “1 to 1” (blue bag) and King Arthur “measure for measure” gluten free flours are both awesome for subbing in for regular flour in nearly any baking recipe (I have tried in various types of cookies, cakes, quick breads, muffins, waffles, pancakes). Ingredient lists are nearly identical and I buy both on Amazon for cheapest price. With both of these I’ve been able to make all my family’s recipes gluten free!

      Note: I haven’t tried this with any yeasted baked goods (e.g. bread, pizza crust)

      1. Yes Bob’s Red Mill 1-to-1 is my go-to GF sub for regular wheat flour. I’ve not tried King Arthur but have heard the same good things.

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