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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon
Two of the small business owners I patronize retired this year, which made me realize that I am way out of date in how I review new people. What is everyone using to find painters, mechanics, etc. these days? Are Angie’s List or Yelp still relevant?
Ses
I look a Yelp but when possible use Nextdoor or Facebook to get recommendations.
Or occasionally here : )
pugsnbourbon
I look a Yelp but when possible use Nextdoor or Facebook to get recommendations.
Or occasionally here : )
Anon
My town’s FB group is where I nearly exclusively find vendors of all kinds – hair to plumbing, to neighborhood kid to cut grass.
anon dc
I have an unexpected four-day weekend coming up in October, woohoo! Any ideas for a kid-friendly weekend getaway from DC? It will be me, my husband, two kids under 7, and my mom who can walk long distances but not hike or walk uphill.
I have never figured out weekend getaways in this area, despite living here forever. We have to be very careful with covid precautions (kids are unvaccinated) and can’t leave the DMV area.
Anon
Williamsburg should be lovely in October (esp. if later on). Watch out for when W&M’s homecoming is though (but should be avoidable if you just concentrate on Jamestown and not staying in CW or adjacent). Very kid friendly.
Anonymous
I would avoid all W&M home football games, not just homecoming. The historic Jamestown settlement is great because many of the interpreters are outdoors. In Colonial Williamsburg, you can walk around and look at stuff without a ticket. Tickets are required to go inside the buildings and for some of the outdoor shows. Check out the Kidsburg playground too.
Anon
+1 to CW
Anon
Richmond VA is very nice and there are a number of outside sculpture gardens and similar to walk around, plus lots of great restaurants (that I assume are doing takeout or maybe outdoor dining).
Anon
The greenbrier in WVa!
Anonymous
Middleburg? It would be fun to watch one of the local drag hunts move off.
PolyD
Charlottesville (also if no football games). Lots of good restaurants (with outdoor seating!) and ice cream shops, the UVA campus is lovely, you’re close to Skyline Drive and Monticello. Monroe’s estate also is nearby. Lots of breweries and wineries where you can hang out and enjoy the scenery and the kids can run around (although do check that kids are allowed).
Skyline Drive has lots of places to stop the car and enjoy the view, and I imagine there are some easy walks that don’t feature hills.
Anonymous
We are going to Rehoboth for a long weekend in October! Still warm enough to walk around, kids will love the sand, running the boardwalk, and even tromping around the waves because kids are crazy like that. Most of the good restaurants will still be open (we only do takeout and outdoor seating) but the rides will be closed so we don’t have to have hourly battles with the kids about those. Tax-free outlet shopping for me when kids are napping.
Anon
For those of you who went to religious school as a kid, was it a positive experience? Are you sending your own kids? Especially interested in responses from those of you who are Jewish.
My husband and I are both very secular Jews, neither of us had any religious education or a bar/bat mitzvah (I’m technically not Jewish since my mother isn’t ethnically Jewish and didn’t formally convert, but my parents had a Jewish wedding and I was raised celebrating Jewish holidays). We currently live in the middle of nowhere in the BIble Belt, with a tiny Jewish population. I like the idea of our child (preschool age now) going to religious school to learn about her heritage and connect with the handful of other Jewish kids in our community. My father, who was brought up Conservative and bar mitzvahed, is totally horrified by this idea because he hated having to go to Hebrew school. But he had a lot of power struggles with his parents and I tend to think his issue is not really about religious school itself.
Anon
Most kids hated Hebrew school because it took away from free time or other, more desirable extracurriculars and it was presented by boring teachers in a dull, dry way. It felt like an obligation, not something fun or even interesting. Even kids who generally had a good relationship with their parents hated Hebrew school. If you actually want to do it, look for a really dynamic program that all the participants seem to love – but it might not exist especially in your area.
Ribena
When you say religious school, do you mean a Monday-to-Friday school with a religious ethos and framework, or an additional set of classes on the weekend? Just wanting to check as it might help people give you the right advice.
Anon
Outside of normal school, it’s two hours on Sunday mornings. It won’t conflict with other activities because nothing is scheduled then because of church. Thanks for the clarification.
Anon
I was raised Christian, but… having lived in an area/region with a really high Jewish population (schools closed for all the major Jewish holidays), it was really normal to go when you’re little and between 10-13 get a decision as to whether you want to keep going and do a bar/bat mitzvah or if you want to stop.
I think there are always extremes, but especially if you’re finding a source of education that aligns with your family’s views, I say go for it.
Anon
Thanks, yes, this is what we were thinking, letting her choose when she’s older.
Anonymous
Are you doing this for religious or cultural reasons? I used to work with kids, and many of them were forced to attend religious or cultural school on weekends for cultural reasons. They were all overscheduled and miserable and complained about religious/cultural school. They might have felt differently by the time they hit middle age, but who knows. You can probably cover a lot of the cultural stuff through
My husband and I are Christian and purposely avoided enrolling our child in Sunday school because it is just so awful and boring and shallow that we were concerned it would actually be harmful to her spiritual development. We waited until middle school and enrolled her in a one-year confirmation class that covered the principles of our faith in serious, nuanced way. We required her to attend and participate fully, but whether to be confirmed at the end was her decision.
Anonymous
I would think middle schoolers would care much more than little kids about an obligation that takes them away from friends and activities.
Anonymous
I meant maybe when they turned 40 they appreciated that their parents made them go to religious/cultural school, not that they cared about it in middle school more than they did in elementary.
Anonymous
I meant that you said you knew kids hated religious school because it interfered with friends and other activities, and my point was that’s going to be a much bigger issue for middle schoolers than preschoolers so it doesn’t seem like an argument in favor of delaying religious school.
AZCPA
I was raised by a Jewish mom/not Jewish dad and ended up loving Sunday school – knowing other Jewish kids was really good for me, and made me aware of other Jewish-cultural (not necessarily religious) activities and groups. I am a secular Jew as an adult, but still very active in the Jewish community as a result of that foundation.
Anonymous
Just send them to summer day camp at the JCC or to a Jewish sleepaway camp.
Anon
We are not Jewish and my son went to summer camp at our local JCC for 8 summers. While they did teach some things about Judaism and Jewish heritage, it was not what I would call “religious education,” and I would also say that in our area 85% of the kids in the camp were not Jewish. My son was friends with a couple of Jewish kids, who also went to Hebrew school and synagogue, and my impression is that was more important for connecting them to their Jewish heritage than attending the JCC camp.
Anonymous
My husband had a similar experience at a JCC preschool. For his parents, it was a plus that it wasn’t really Jewish at all, but it sounds like OP is looking for something different.
Anon
so at least where I live, Hebrew school has come a LONG way since your parents’ generation. My kids are still too young for Hebrew school, though they attend a Jewish preschool. My colleague’s elementary age daughter goes to a catholic private school, and Hebrew school on Sundays and she generally really likes it. They make it very engaging with music, arts & crafts, games, snacks, etc. I don’t think they spend much (if any) time sitting at desks while someone writes on a blackboard. I think there is a certain age when kids start to complain about it (just like kids complain about many things their parents tell them to do), but with the right program kids can really like it. Another great way to expose your kid to other Jewish kids if you decide that is something important to you is by sending your kid to Jewish summer camp when kiddo is older. (also, if you aren’t already signed up, sign up for PJ Library – it is an organization that sends Jewish kids free books every month. Some of the books are terrible, but a nice way to introduce some holidays in a very low key way)
Anonymous
Love PJ Library! We are also a secular hybrid jewish-atheist household (religiously atheist, but jewish culturally) with a set of religiously practicing in-laws.
We also attend (or, used to – pre pandemic) ‘open to the public’ events at our local chabad center and JCC. Toddler Passover events are the cutest. I think next year we’ll put them in the (single-week, not full-day) summer camp through the chabad center. The JCC runs a full summer program, but is less convenient to us for pickup/drop off.
Anon
Thanks. At least at the preschool level it definitely seems fun – stories, games, music etc like you say. My husband attended a Jewish summer camp so we definitely plan to suggest that when it’s older but I see value in meeting local people too. Church is really big here and it seems like for a lot of kids that’s their main social network.
We get the PJ library books. :)
LaurenB
I agree that Hebrew school has come a long way since older generations. My kids attended a (reform) Jewish preschool and Sunday school, and it was very engaging. One child stopped at bar/bat mitzvah age, the other continued til confirmation. My husband, on the other hand, absolutely hated his Hebrew school education and was so impressed by how it had all been updated since his era.
Do it!:)
Hi! I grew up conservative, and went to public elementary and high schools, and to Hebrew school on Sundays and one day a week. My husband is similar except that he grew up Reform. I think Hebrew school is better than nothing, but still did not teach me that much and I resented it for taking time away from my friends. We are planning to send our son to a full-time Hebrew day school so he will get more of a Jewish education than my husband or I did. He will get a secular education plus religious education and learn how to speak and read Hebrew so he will be able to read the bible and participate and understand services. We live in NYC, and while there are lots of Jewish people around, in terms of actually learning about the religion I think the more education and experiences, the better. This is my opinion and I understand that others may think differently, but I think it will, on average, be harder for a child to have a connection to Judaism without some type of formal education. So, even if he resents the Hebrew school, at least he will learn something…Or if not a formal religious school, maybe make sure you go to the children’s services for all of the holidays so your child will pick something up that way.
No Problem
I went to both Sunday School (religious school) and Hebrew school growing up and hated the living daylights out of both. Sunday School was a giant waste of time for very little actual learning. In earlier grades I think we focused mostly on bible stories and the various holidays. Like the teacher might read us a book about Noah’s Ark and then we’d have an art class where we drew an ark and some animals, and then we’d go to the kitchen and make cookies or something. At some point we had to learn a bunch of Israeli dances and that was terrible. Probably in the later years we were supposed to learn what the various prayers actually meant and why we do certain things (some Talmud stuff) but if we did I don’t remember doing it. It was every Sunday during the school year for 2.5 hours and I loathed every minute.
Hebrew school was after school twice a week (1.5 hours each I think) starting in 3rd grade and while I had a pretty good teacher my first year (learned all the letters and some basic words), after that it was useless af and a giant waste of time. I also hated going because it made me an “other.” There were not many Jewish kids in my area so I was the weird kid who had to go learn Hebrew after school.
I think the problem is that it’s all just very poorly executed. Sure, religious school can teach kids about the holidays and culture and enough Hebrew to read the prayer book, but it doesn’t need to be 5+ hours a week. If it was 1-2 hours a week and actually focused and well-taught, maybe that would be something different.
Anon
Are you talking about Hebrew school or Jewish day school? Totally different animals.
Anon
A Sunday school program for little kids that would eventually feed into Hebrew school. Not Jewish day school. Sorry, should have made that clearer.
Dina Sara Maryam & other cross-cultural names
Would love to talk with you offline about this! I have a few Jewish friends in smaller Bible Belt towns and I can point you to resources. I’m in ATL burbs Not sure how to connect with you but if you have an email (anon or otherwise) you’re comfortable posting, or a twitter or insta handle, let me know!
Anom
My kids are 6 & 9. They went the a JCC preschool and are now in public school. They enjoy the 2 hour Sat afternoon Hebrew school class they do at the local JCC. I started them each on it at 3. Gives them some place else to make friends. The class has them learning about Jewish culture through art projects, singing songs, learning about social issues through a Jewish lens. I wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about how your kid might resent it later. If it works for your kid now, do it. If in a few years they don’t like it because it takes time away from X or Y, then reevaluate.
Anon
My experience has been that when Hebrew school supplements other participation in a Jewish community it can be a good experience (as long as the school itself is good), but when it’s the only thing it can feel more…obligatory. Since your kid is still young I’d look for a Jewish community nearby that you like – lively, shares your values, etc. – and start participating in smaller ways. Tot Shabbat, summer camp, youth group, kids holiday events are all good ways to get involved and see if the community’s Hebrew school is right for you.
Anon
So I think this is maybe more like a youth group? I’m not super familiar with that term but they don’t start formal Hebrew school until much older (third or fourth grade I think) and I don’t know of any Jewish activities for kids outside of the religious school. All of the holiday celebrations for kids, like the Chanukah party and going apple picking and then eating apples and honey for Rosh Hashanah are part of the religious school. There is also a weekly family Shabbat as part of it.
We’re definitely interested in Jewish summer camp when she’s older but that wouldn’t be local and I see value in getting to know people locally (and sooner than third grade or whenever she’s ready for sleep away camp).
Anon
what you are describing as the weekly family shabbat, family activities, etc. sound good to me. i dont see the harm in trying this out and don’t think your father’s experience many years ago at hebrew school should dictate your decision
Anon
My 3.5 year old was supposed to start religious school this fall but we opted to hold off because of Covid. We’re hoping she can join mid-year if kid vaccines show up soon. If not, she’ll start next fall. At our Temple, religious school is separate from Hebrew school. Religious school is one hour on Sunday mornings during the school year, so it’s a pretty small time commitment. At the preschool age it’s basically just playtime with a Jewish theme. K-3rd graders do a lot of arts and crafts and cooking classes. Older kids learn more seriously about the Bible and Jewish history. The kids all seem to enjoy it, especially the younger kids. Hebrew school starts in fourth grade and is a bigger time commitment and seems less fun and more work. I agree with the people saying sign your kid up now, and let them quit if they don’t like it. Doing Sunday school as a preschooler is not a promise to do Hebrew school three days/week as a seventh grader.
To the concern about being overscheduled, I think that has more to do with your family’s values and how many activities you sign up for, and is not specific to whether one of those activities is religion. The only activities that are parent-driven for us are religious school (during the academic year) and swimming lessons (during the summer), so just one hour of extracurricular activity per week. If she asks to do something else, we’d let her add one activity of her own choosing (to be clear, I mean at one time – she can try as many things as she wants, just not at all at once). So far she hasn’t asked to do anything and my belief is that most overscheduled little kids are that way because their parents signed them up for a ton of activities, not because a 5 year old kid is genuinely passionate about gymnastics, music, soccer AND ballet and needs to do all of them at once.
anon
Small town Jew here. I loved religious school. Sure it may not have been the most exciting thing on earth. But it was the only time I could see the other four Jewish kids my age in town. I loved that feeling of safety and familiarity. I encourage you to explore it. Your experience and your dad’s and your kids’ will all be different. In my town now it’s a very dynamic, outdoor, almost summer-camp like experience, not indoor, classroom-based.
AZCPA
This, so much this! Experience is similar in my town as well, and if we had kids I’d send them to ALL THE THINGS even as very secular Jews.
Anon in the midwest
I am Jewish and older, and will echo the comments here that many religious schools/Sunday schools have improved a lot since your husband went to Hebrew school. Especially for younger kids, the goal is to make the holidays and learning fun, and involve the family in rituals and learning. Yes, your kids can meet other Jewish kids, but given where
you live, Sunday school/religious school can be a good way for you and your husband to meet other Jewish families, if that is something you are interested in. I suggest at least visiting the school and speaking with the parents and school leaders.
Audreycat
I’m from a partly Jewish but mostly atheist family and married to a reform Jew and we’re planning on secular “regular” school plus Hebrew school for our future kiddo. Kiddo might go to JCC day school for preK or maybe early elementary if we can get through the waitlist. I grew up with parents who were pretty much anti-religion and am looking forward to my kids having more exposure to their culture. My husband’s younger siblings went to Jewish day school while he went to a private Christian school. They learned to speak fluent Hebrew and he learned he was going to hell (please don’t send your Jewish kids to a conservative evangelical school without vetting it properly!). I figure my kids will resent me for something when they’re older, but at least this way they’ll get to spend time within their own culture and learn where they came from.
Anonymous
I didn’t always love the day to day experience of Jewish religious school, but, in a city where in the 1980s there were very very few other Jewish families, it created a whole Jewish community for me, gave us a whole additional set of family friends, etc. it was extremely important for my own cultural development. Our synagogue leans on the side of over-emphasizing community (lots of family get together a for each hebrew school grade every year, etc) but it was so, so important to me to have a community of other Jewish kids that I was definitely not getting at school or in my neighborhood.
Anon
Has anyone regretted giving up their longtime landline? My cordless phone is breaking and I’m hesitant to invest in more antiquated technology. But I do get occasional calls that I don’t want to miss:
* elderly relatives – who would have to learn I use a different number
* notifications from my town
* occasional calls from my kids’ schools who haven’t gotten the memo that my cell is the best way to reach me
* credit card issuers and banks based on info they got when we opened the accounts
Also, I think for 911 the landline is superior because it provides the location even if you’re unable to speak.
Any other pluses/minuses I’m missing? I am not a young person but I successfully weaned myself away from other old technologies I thought I couldn’t manage without (VHS, DVDs, corded vacuum cleaners).
Anon
I haven’t had a landline since 2015 and I don’t miss it. No one really had the number though, so it’s a different situation than yours.
Anonymous
I haven’t had one since moving out of my parents home 15+ years ago. It ended up being so expensive that I’ve never pursued it. That said, if it’s in your budget, I’d keep it for a while or see if you can transfer the number to your cell.
Anonymous
I don’t have a landline but I’m considering getting one for emergencies. There are a lot of people in wildfire country who never got an alert on their cell phone despite being ostensibly registered for them. I also get weird call drops or other issues on my network (like it will go straight to voicemail for no reason) and again, that could be an issue in an emergency.
Anonymous
I’m 36 and have never had a landline as an adult. Even my parents don’t have one anymore; their’s broke and they just never bothered getting it fixed. We briefly considered getting one just for 911 calls, but bought a cheap phone to plug in just to see if our connection even worked–it doesn’t. And it didn’t seem worth getting it fixed. My town sends text notifications.
Cat
+1
My parents also just weaned themselves off their home phone. They did it over a few months since they’d had the number for so long – one week they updated their banks, next credit card, next relatives, next friends that might reasonably be expected to call, etc.
For store accounts like their Giant card I’m not sure they bothered. Like – is Giant really going to call you?
Anonymous
A land line is also good because it works when the power goes out (if it is an actual old-school copper-wire phone line).
But you can keep the number. You can have it moved to a second cell phone or, with a little more work, make the landline phone number a google voice number and then forward that number to your usual cell phone.
Anon
OP here – I like the google voice idea best. Makes sense to go without actual landline but keep the #. If I can’t keep the number seems like ditching the landline entirely will be fine.
Anon
Besides possibly your elderly relatives, everyone else can figure it out. You update your info with banks, credit cards etc online. Tell the school you only have one number. I’m guessing your relatives will be fine, my “elderly” parents have iPhones and more tech than I do….
anon
We got rid of ours back in 2007-2008ish? (IDK, it’s been a long time.) Haven’t missed it a bit. You can give your elderly relatives your new number; I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Update the rest of your records, and you’re good to go.
Mrs. Jones
We haven’t had a landline since 2013 and haven’t missed it. I think my parents got rid of theirs around the same time.
Anonymous
Are your kids old enough for cell phones and do you want to them to stay home alone? This is one issue we’re facing with our kid. Everyone else will definitely learn your new number if you give it to them.
Anon
When my kid is old enough for his friends to call him, we will probably get a landline: it’s a number that his friends can call that isn’t ours, but is not exclusively his, either.
BeenThatGuy
My 13 year old has had a cell phone for 3 years and I’ve never heard him take a call from a friend. They text. Sometimes video chat in conjunction with video gaming but never an actual phone call. You might have to adjust your expectations about getting your son a landline.
Anonymous
I can guarantee you that your son and his friends will not be talking on the phone. They’ll be texting using email addresses until they get their own mobile phones, or they’ll be chatting on multiplayer games.
anon
This. Everything happens via messenging.
Anon
+1
I’m younger than a lot of people here and I haven’t used a landline since I was 18.
Anon
While I appreciate the sentiment, stick with parenting your own kids (who seem to be running the show), rather than telling me how to parent mine. In my experience, other parents are usually quite happy when one parent holds the line; it allows them all to stop giving into the madness.
anon
Uh no, not running the show. But we’re being realistic about how our kids ACTUALLY communicate. You know, dealing with reality. Doesn’t mean there aren’t guardrails put up or rules around technology.
Anon
Haha everyone is telling you what reality is. You need to take several seats.
Even if you want to raise your kid back in 1985, his friends won’t be raised that way. They don’t talk on the phone. They text or talk on various apps. The only voice conversations my son has had over the last 6 or so years have been over a video game.
Anonymous
Yup. If your kid only has access to a landline, other kids won’t call him there. They’ll just leave him out.
By sixth grade, it’s likely that school will require them to use educational apps, Remind, etc.
Anon
I think you’ve posted similar sentiments here before, and gotten the same reception. You seem to think that the world your children are living in is one you can wholly control and manage, and it’ll be interesting to see how that clashes with reality as your children get older. Please do come back when your youngest child is 20 and let us know how all of that “hold the line” stuff you cling to so tightly worked out. I have an idea what kind of stories you’ll be telling at that point, but can’t wait to hear what the real experience ends up being.
LaurenB
Your kid is going to be left out if he doesn’t have the ability to text. Like it or not. The other kids aren’t going to adapt to his landline.
LaurenB
People don’t call anymore. They text to set up a convenient time to talk.
Anon
You could pick up a landline phone at a thrift store… There are plenty there and you would only be investing a few dollars.
LaurenB
But she still has to pay for the actual landline! The actual phone is not the cost.
Anom
I haven’t had a landline since 2001 when I got my first cell phone at age 25.
Anon
No landline. I associate landlines with endless scam callers.
Anon
I will never give mine up since living through the Boston Marathon bombing and not being able to locate multiple family members at the finish line and on the course. I also couldn’t tell other family not at the race that I was safe. We didn’t have cell service for hours. I know it was a crazy event but cell networks do go down. I also have a kid and babysitters come through periodically. If 911 needs to be called, I don’t want to rely on a 16 year old having a charged phone as the only avenue to get emergency help. I hire responsible baby sitters of course, but it’s nota risk I’m willing to take. My landline is an insurance plan that is worth the cost based on personal experiences. Ours sits on mute and I can’t even tell you the phone number if I had to (have not once put it on a form for school or anything else), so if you’re calling us you’re 100% a spam call, but it’s there if we need to make what would almost certainly be an emergency call.
Anonymous
+ 1. We are in fire and earthquake country.
Anon
My parents live just outside of Houston. Their power was out for two weeks after Hurricane Ike, but they had a landline and had kept an old phone with a cord “just in case.” It was the only way I could get in touch with them, and I was so glad they had it. Not necessarily cost-effective for everyone, but something to consider if you live in a place that is at risk for natural disasters.
Anon
You just change the number on your accounts and at school. It’s not a big deal.
Anon
We got rid of our landline after the 2004 presidential election, when we got sick of the political robocalls. Haven’t missed it.
Anonymous
We went without a landline for years, but added one back when our daughter was born. Sitters, regardless of their age/experience level/reliability, will likely not remember our address if there’s an emergency. More importantly, once our daughter is old enough to stay home alone for short periods, I want her to be able to call me or 911 if there’s a problem or an emergency. The minimal charge for the line ($25/month) is more than outweighed by the peace of mind it provides.
PLB
This is the same thing I did, for the same reasons.
Anon
I have one but it’s not used. It came with my internet service. There’s a phone with a voicemail service attached to it (also included, I wouldn’t pay for it separately) but the ringer is off and we don’t answer it. I should probably check the voicemails but it’s always junk and appointment reminders.
AnonToday
How do you feel about the phrase “pregnant people”?
A friend of mine shared this article from the Atlantic (link in comments) about the culture war over the use of “pregnant people” instead of “pregnant women”…and I’m strangely conflicted. I’m normally a pretty progressive person – I’m happy to use someone’s pronouns, affirm their gender identity, etc. But I balk at the idea of PEOPLE being pregnant. I hate when a man (in a hetero relationship) says “we’re pregnant!” – no, your spouse is pregnant and you’re both expecting. Maybe this is because I am a cisgender woman who has had two pregnancies…but I really hate this erasure of women in this context.
Do I just need to get over this?
Anonymous
Link to Atlantic article – https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/09/pregnant-people-gender-identity/620031/
Anon
If a person who identifies as a man becomes pregnant, he is/they are a pregnant person. Perhaps that’s different than what you or I might be used to, but I find it best to err on the side of inclusivity, since we are talking about actual people with thoughts, feelings, etc.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
I’m prepared to be flamed for this, but the number of trans people getting pregnant and giving birth each year is infinitesimal compared to the literally hundreds of millions of women around the world every year who do the same, so I’m sticking with “women” for this.
LaurenB
+ 1. Once again, men get to erase women.
anon
+2, I’m not going to start saying pregnant people for this exact reason.
NYCer
I agree 100%.
Anon
+1
Anon for this
I agree with you (but it is not a PC opinion these days). And I respect tr*ns people, will always use preferred pronouns, etc. But I agree with you about the erasure of women.
wow
100000%
I am as progressive as they come, but every time I hear NPR use pregnant people I get angry.
Yes, and sportsball
Agree completely. I think there are a lot of complex issue in this debate, e.g. the competitive sports angle. But it’s not PC to talk about that publicly.
Anon
“Pregnant people” obviously leads itself to enabling discrimination against women. Women have advanced when we have said: while not all women are able to get pregnant or get pregnant in their lives, only women get pregnant and most women have children; therefore, pregnancy discrimination = sex discrimination. Make life hard on working mothers and you can eliminate a huge number of women from the top. Discrimination against pregnancy in hiring does not just affect women with a visible baby bump; it affects all women between about 25 and 42, regardless of their reproductive status or plans.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
This. Except I would broaden the age range to 18 to 50.
Rickie Riordan here, Not Jk
To extend your metaphor…. Do you think parental discrimination is real? We probably agree that most working dads don’t feel the same pressure from society & work that working moms do…. but what if you substituted every “working mom” or “working mother” line in your paragraph with “working parent”? What if we included men…. or non-binary employees who also have children? Does that really hurt women and/or mothers? I don’t see that it would or does – can you convince me otherwise? (if you have time. no worries.)
Anonymous
Yes it does. Obviously? Like. What even. Look around. Men’s careers do not suffer when they become parents.
anon
I’m not sure I understand your question. If you talk about discrimination against “working parents,” that masks the s*x specific discrimination experienced by women and working mothers. In fact, working fathers demonstrably experience benefits from becoming parents and working mothers do not.
Anon
No. Statistically speaking, men who get married and have kids earn more money than their unmarried or childless peers. “He has a family to provide for” is actually why people give promotions and special projects to fathers.
Anon
No. Statistically speaking, men who get married and have kids earn more money than their unmarried or childless peers. “He has a family to provide for” is actually why people give promotions and special projects to fathers.
Anonymous
Yeah this is a thing. During the Great Recession, my prior firm had to decide which of 2 senior associates to keep. The partners openly – and proudly, as if it shows how family-friendly they are – admitted they kept the man because his wife was a SAHM and they had small kids, while the woman was married and her husband had a good career.
Anonymous
I hope the woman sued them, because that’s extremely illegal.
wow
There was a quote by a very famous male scientist about why he thought male scientists had it a lot easier than women. He said it “helps to have a wife”. He had a stay at home wife that took care of everything in the home, raised their kids, supported him 100% in everything so he could work his butt off and sacrifice every aspect of his life to make it to the top of his field. Of coure, he was of a different generation and I Don’t know how thrilled his wife was for the set up. But at the time, I was a poor graduate student with no time to do laundry .. nevermind have kids.. and I thought “yup… some days I would like a wife!”
Anon
wow, I’m glad that scientist at least recognized his privilege. I work for a male exec like this – he brings home the bacon and occasionally plays with his kids but does none of the housework or gruntwork of parenting, that’s all his SAHM wife’s domain. But he’s always going on and on about how he knows how hard it is to be a working parent because he has young kids too blah blah blah. It’s so hard not to scream SHUT UP YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! at him.
Anon
Not the person you’re responding to, but I get annoyed when people discuss “working parent problems” for the same reason. Being a working mom is much harder than being a working dad. Working fathers with SAHM wives are the worst, because they think they understand the “working parent” experience and they don’t, because they have someone completely running their home life so all they have to worry about is making fun memories with their kids and doing a good job at work.
Anon
As someone who was subjected to pregnancy and working-mom discrimination (by a male boss with wife who was a SAHM) earlier in my career, wholeheartedly agree. My then-boss was completely transparent about disapproving of my choice to come back to work after I had my baby, and constantly complained about me not being available for last-minute assignments, having to leave work on time (not early! Just on time) to pick up my infant son from daycare, etc. He made it as difficult as possible for me to succeed in my role until I finally had to leave the company. Working mothers face a completely different situation when it comes to discrimination than working fathers do.
No Face
The moment people I knew I was pregnant, opportunities were taken away from me and handed to men. I face discrimination as a working mother, not as a genderless parent. It does not happen to male parents.
I don’t think we will have enough data on discrimination against nonbinary parents for a long time.
LaurenB
I think there is no comparison between “working mom” / “working parent” (of course it should be working parent, there’s nothing biological about women that requires them to be the ones making dinner, dressing the kids, etc.) and the “pregnant women” / “pregnant people” discussion.
Anonymous
No, you don’t need to get over this. I do not use that language and will not. It’s the “all lives matter” of reproductive activism, it seeks to erase the misogyny and sexism that pregnant women experience before, during, and after pregnancy, and it’s the fast track to bad writing and research. In my line of work, I had someone delete every instance of the word “woman” from my document (as if it’s a dirty word) and replace it with “people” or “pregnant people,” thus rendering every source I had cited completely inaccurate. It wasn’t true that “people experience heart disease at ____ rate, which can affect pregnancy outcomes” – the statistic I had cited was for women of reproductive age, which differed from the rate for men. That was just the start of my troubles, though, since the next round of edits on a different document changed everything to the dehumanizing “birthing bodies.” I’ll shout it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen: woman is not a dirty word.
I also thought that Atlantic article was garbage, although the interviewer clearly tried her best. It would be far more interesting to talk to an actual woman who opposes the language – then you wouldn’t see these lame “reasons” like “well some people opposed women in leadership too, times change!” I don’t oppose the language because it’s a change or it makes me uncomfortable. I oppose it because I disagree with it.
Also, where are all the calls to refer to men as “prostate-havers” and “sperm producers?” I haven’t seen this yet, but why not? Could it be that women are erased and men are not? Hmm…
Anonymous
Yes, the term “people with a p3n1s” is very much a thing because biology doesn’t dictate gender.
anonshmanon
I don’t have a strong opinion on this one. Women are people, so this one doesn’t rub me the wrong way. But I don’t think you necessarily need to get over this. You get to choose what to care about!
anon
As a childfree person, I absolutely love the decoupling of womanhood and motherhood/pregnancy.
Anon
But pregnant discrimination and mommy discrimination are real and your gender is still the best proxy for that. Men don’t deal with that.
Cb
I think you need to get over it? As a white, cishet woman, making language more inclusive doesn’t harm me, but it may keep someone else from being harmed, and that’s a net positive in my book. I occasionally roll my eyes (don’t love the use of the word mentruators in lieu of people who menstruate) but I think we should default to the kindest, most inclusive option.
Anonymous
Kindest to whom? It’s not kind to refer to me, a woman, as “menstruator” – can’t you see how unbelievably crude that is? It’s also making a huge assumption. I can look at women around me and on sight, it’s impossible to tell who is a “menstruator” and who isn’t. Some women may be pregnant and not menstruating. Some may have entered early menopause. Some may have undergone hysterectomies. Some may be taking birth control pills and skipping the off week. Some may be late bloomers who have not begun menstruating.
Sometimes what seems like inclusion is actually dilution – or worse, erasure.
Cb
I should have provided more context. Yeah, I think menstruator is a linguistic abomination, we wouldn’t describe anyone else by their bodily function. But here there was a controversy over a free period product initiative which used the language “people who menstruate” which I think is inclusive, particularly given the target audience – teens, who are increasingly fluid in how they are thinking about gender. If a kid who feels uncomfortable in their body feels recognised and included by the language, that is surely a good thing.
Anonymous
It’s still reducing people to their bodily functions, which I find gross and not inclusive. I don’t mind if others want to refer to themselves as “menstruators” or “bleeders,” but when it affects national marketing and services for all women and/or when I’m told I can’t use “woman” to describe myself, that is a problem.
L
I agree that “menstruaters” is an awful idea, we wouldn’t call people with ADHD “adhders.”
But what is wrong with “people who menstruate?” We use people-first language all the time. People with disabilities, not the disabled or disabled people. “People who experience depression,” not “the depressed.”
It’s not like suddenly people will question the biological fact that cis men don’t have a uterus. But why not include those who do/can menstruate and make them feel safe and understood? It reminds me of the panic people have over trans or nonbinary people using public restrooms. A bunch of cis men will not storm the women’s bathroom and be lewd, but it does give one person an safe place to be who they identify as. Cis men aren’t going to run around saying they’re pregnant all of a sudden.
More inclusive language is not the enemy of misogyny, it is intentional language that respects everyone’s personhood. Let’s not discriminate against other people who also face struggles to be valued. Women do have a lot of battles in the workplace, this is not going to affect those problems significantly at all.
L
Also to anon – it’s the stigma around menstruating that makes it a “gross” bodily function. That doesn’t mean it needs to be open and talked about in the workplace, but don’t treat it like some repulsive thing. Little girls will grow up thinking that, like we all did. THAT is a problem that is hurting women and we can neutralize that language.
Anonymous
It harms me! You cannot talk about pregnancy justice without talking about women.
anonymous
Nobody is “harmed” by language. Full stop.
Anon
Huh? This is the weirdest take on the whole thread. Setting the whole discussion of “pregnant people” aside, you don’t think POC are harmed by racist language? Nothing harmful to women about blatantly sexist language? Of course language can be damaging and harmful, particularly to marginalized groups.
anon
Then, trans-men aren’t hurt by the use of women either by this logic.Just saying.
I think this is a fair discussion to have to and see both viewpoints and struggle with feeling erased as a women who has experienced gender violence and sexism and wanting to be inclusive to another group of people who are also vulnerable.
Anon
+1. This absolutely harms women. I support tr*ns rights and genuinely do not care what bathroom anyone uses, but acting like people of any gender are equally likely to get pregnant erases women and our lived experiences and the discrimination we’ve faced.
Anon
How does it harm you though? How does pregnancy justice (whatever that is) change on the basis of who is pregnant?
Anonymous
If men got pregnant the whole world would be different.
Anon
Because women of child-bearing age are discriminated against on the assumption they might get pregnant. Men are not. Pregnancy is a woman’s issue and pretending it’s not harms women, regardless of whether or not they choose to become mothers. Anon at 10:42 explained it well.
anon
Mothers are hurting themselves. I don’t see any men wasting hours of company time crowdsourcing what gluten free nut free soy free snacks they ought to send to day camp.
Anon
There is an element of mommy martyrhood that is partially self-inflicted, I agree. But I know tons of women who really don’t buy into all that stuff, don’t GAF what snacks their kids eat, for example, and their status as moms still hurts them at work. Many women, myself included, noticed attitudes towards us changed as soon as we announced a pregnancy, and there’s really not a lot you actively do in pregnancy except attend your doctors appointments of which there aren’t many in early pregnancy. It’s also not socially acceptable for women to be as blase as men about what snacks their kids eat at daycamp, which is another element of the problem. I’ve definitely seen people at work judge a mom for not being serious enough about her career but also judge the same woman for not doing enough for her kids and letting them be “raised” by someone else. It’s really a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
Anonymous
I don’t mind pregnant people but I absolutely hate “menstruators.” I don’t want to be called a “urinator” or “defecator” either while we’re at it.
eertmeert
A-fricking-gree … “menstruators” “front hole” “bleeders” “chestfeeding” – I don’t want it. I refuse to be reduced to body parts.
Anon
I think the point is that it can harm women generally, even if you personally feel like it won’t hurt you.
Rickie Riordan here, Not Jk
As a graduate from a then women’s college Seven Sisters College that is now “gender inclusive” (but not co-ed!)… I get the knee-jerk reaction. But when I took a step back, I really don’t think that cis women are being erased at all, we are only including those who are otherwise excluded and don’t have a place to go.
“People with uteruses”…. I get it. Who else would have a uterus besides a woman?! Well, maybe a transman… and maybe a masculine woman who has been called names… and maybe someone with a chromosomal condition that affects their reproductive system and yes their secondary sex characteristics and/or gender identity…. and, well, frankly, there was a woman in my Mommy-and-Me group for my first child who *did not have a uterus*. She and her mom wondered about her lack of period and at age 17 or 18 she found out that she would not be able to carry a child. She was able to give birth using her own egg and a surragate’s uterus. Amazing! She is certainly a cis (hetero) woman… but not with a uterus and not able to be pregnant. So this weird kind of specificity does exclude her, even though an exhortation of “Women!” would not. Not sure if that helps.
My point is, life is weird, language is one part of it, I try to be both specific and inclusive and sometimes it doesn’t always work, but as a white cis hetero woman with a married partner and a graduate degree and a single-family house in a low-crime neighborhood, I try to use my privilege for good. I really don’t feel erased with “people with uteruses” or “pregnant people”… just like, all of a sudden, I have more in common with a transman than I would have thought!
Cb
I love that framing, about emphasizing what we have in common. The trans woman who showed up at kiddos storytime with her child are both in the thick of sleeping woes, toddler tantrums, etc. The common ground doesn’t depend on our organs and their functions.
Anon
There is a word for that: parents
Anon
Right!? Like no one is saying moms and dads and tr*ns and non-binary parents can’t empathize and share experiences and bond. But pregnancy is a women’s issue.
Anonymous
I hate it. Men don’t get pregnant. Like fine I will go along with pretending a person born with a uterus is a man but then what you doing getting pregnant which is an extremely woman thing to do and demanding we erase women from the language. No.
anon
No one cares what transphobes have to say about anything. We already know your opinions are trash.
anon
I agree with you completely. I want to be progressive about this, but I’m just not. It seems like another way to diminish women.
Anon
I think of “pregnant people” as akin to a preferred pronoun. If a particular individual wants to be referred to as a “pregnant person”, I would have no problem referring to them as a “pregnant person” rather than “pregnant woman”. And I would expect that everyone would utilize my preferred designation, “pregnant woman”. I also think that using it generally is the most inclusive option and appropriate.
TheElms
I think its fine for academic literature / doctors who don’t know a person’s gender identity / a form of general address to use pregnant people as a term. Once you know someone’s gender identity and you are speaking specifically with that person you should use their correct gender identity. So for me that means I’m a pregnant woman. But it is not the case that all people who are pregnant identify as women (yes its the vast majority, but so what?).
I’m fine with a term that is attempting to be inclusive.
Anon
This is my thought as well. I also don’t quite understand how often this is coming up? I’ve seen it in things akin to academic literature or releases that are supposed to apply to all pregnant people (like articles on websites for big medical societies), but my own personal doctor has never insisted on calling me a menstruator or person with a uterus.
Anon
I heard someone (not the reporter) on NPR talking this way last week.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s in the news a lot now, published research, legislative agendas and bills, op-eds, and on the Twitter accounts of our elected representatives. It’s all over the place now. If you search on PubMed, you can see that the phrase “pregnant people” skyrocketed in 2020 and 2021 after previously appearing in almost no articles.
Anon
In woke circles you aren’t allowed to use phrases like “pregnant women” if you want to say something that applies to an unknown group of people like “Many companies discriminate against pregnant women” – you have to say “Many companies discriminate against pregnant people.” It’s becoming increasingly common to see “pregnant people” instead of “pregnant women” in news stories discussing things like maternal health, pregnancy discrimination, etc.
I don’t have any issues with an individual using whatever term they like. A trans man can say they’re a pregnant man or a pregnant person and that’s no skin off my nose. But 99.999% of people who are pregnant are women so when we’re talking about it on a large scale I think we should be able to say “pregnant women blah blah blah”
Anon
Exactly. It’s sort of like saying “woman of childbearing age” roughly meaning teens through early 40s, even though some random 56-year-old did IVF with a donor egg.
anon
+1 this is where I fall.
Anon
It is not something I have the energy to have strong feelings about.
Anon
Same. I simply don’t give a rat’s ass.
Anon
It’s okay to be annoyed when language use is inaccurate. But I think we do all need to get over it when the language is perfectly accurate.
So if I want to talk about pregnant women, I should say “pregnant women.” But if I want to talk about literally everyone who is pregnant, “pregnant women” doesn’t capture the entirety of that group. People need to say what they mean. Using “pregnant people” to mean “pregnant women” would be ridiculous too.
Anon
I think you should just get over it. I get it, it does seem annoying because you need to biologically be a woman to get pregnant, and if you’re in the process of transitioning then maybe you can make the distinction that parts of your body are still female even if your brain isn’t. But also, I’m not trans so I definitely don’t get it on a personal level why it’s so important for some people to use different language. It’s no skin off my teeth if people want to talk in a way that makes them happy.
LaurenB
I am in full support of trans issues / people / etc, and I cannot stand the phrase “pregnant people.” I too am tired of the erasure of women. If you are FTM, then cool, great for you and I support you — but you don’t get to then hijack pregnancy. This is the same thing my daughter experienced at a women’s college – where there was backlash whenever the president said “welcome to the women of the class of 20xx” because then a handful of individuals had to cry that “we don’t all identify as women.” Of course women who choose to then identify as men were welcome to stay on campus (can’t say “grandfathered,” that’s too gendered!) but it was bothersome that they then got to ruin the unifying language of “women of the class of 20xx” and the like. Because this was a WOMEN’S college.
Anonymous
What about a pregnant trans man? Is he not a pregnant person? That isn’t hijacking pregnancy.
Women (and people of all genders) aren’t defined by biology. My cousin had a hysterectomy. She is still a woman, just without a uterus and ability to be pregnant.
My coworker is a trans man who happens to have a uterus and the ability to be pregnant. He is still a man.
eertmeert
Transmen get to be pregnant people. But why, if I am not trans and am pregnant, should I be called a pregnant person when my preference would be pregnant woman? Are trans people’s rights to preferred pronouns and preferred style of address greater than mine? I’ll call a trans indivudual whatever they want and do it from the heart. But I want that same respect. And I firmly want to be called a woman.
Anon
This!
Seventh Sister
I hate when “we’re pregnant” too, and I remember wanting to throw a chair at a guy in the prenatal class who said, “we don’t want any drugs or pain relief during labor” just as smug as you please while his wife just sort of smiled weakly at him. Truly regret not slipping her my phone number in case she needed a place to crash.
As for pregnant person, I don’t really have a problem with it BUT I will definitely fight till the last to remind people (by which I mean men) that it’s women who bear the brunt of child-related discrimination that starts when you figure out you’re pregnant and just keeps going.
Anon
Ugh yes “we’re pregnant” is terrible. And “we don’t want any drugs or pain relief” is even worse!! Not sure I would have been able to resist throwing the chair.
Anon
I think it starts way before. A young student interviewing with a ring on is treated very different than that same person who leaves her ring off. A married guy is stable and seen as the most reliable candidate (even vs other men, who may show up hungover on Fridays). He will be serious about the job because he has a wife to support and probably a family in due time.
Discrimination comes with the skirt.
Anonymous
Yup. I didn’t even bother with OCI during law school because I was obviously pregnant so had zero chance of getting a good summer associateship. I just took the offer that came out of my internship.
Anon
I’m both frustrated and resigned.
It helps me to remember that no one is saying I can’t refer to myself as a woman. I’m a woman, and when I was a woman I was a pregnant woman. I saw a doctor who treats pregnant people.
And this isn’t the hill I want to die on anyway. I don’t want the term woman to be reduced to someone who can bear children.
So yeah? I think get over it. It’s not the right battle.
Anon
*hahaha distracted typing – when I was pregnant I was a pregnant woman. Still a woman, not past tense.
Ses
I like “pregnant people” fine. It’s clear, and I don’t think it erases women. It does just suggest the idea that not all pregnant people absolutely have to be women, which is nice and I don’t think takes anything away from us.
To me it’s like seeing the change away from things like “gentlemen” opening an email – I may literally be the only woman out of fifty managers reading that email (this happened regularly in my old industry), but it feels good when someone stops using that greeting. Like – ok, they see I exist.
So I kinda like this example of inclusive language. Let’s get rid of “airmen” next.
Anonymous
+1 good point. As a woman, I got a “gentlemen” letter recently and rolled my eyes. It is an antiquated assumption. There is no harm in being inclusive. In fact, inclusion is a net good. You can be a pregnant woman, or you can be a pregnant person, or you can be both. If I don’t know, or am speaking broadly, I’ll use “pregnant person” all things considered. If its a woman friend who is pregnant, I’ll say “pregnant woman”. This isn’t hard.
Anonymous
Do you say All Lives Matter, then? There’s no harm in being inclusive.
L
That’s a false equivalency. Saying that all parents are important in a pregnancy is the All Lives Matter of this discussion. Yes, all parents and potential parents matter, but we are trying to seek justice/lift up these people who are marginalized or discriminated against most. That group includes pregnant cis women.
Anonymous
YIKES at all the transphobia and trans exclusionary feminism.
amberwitch
And your namecalling is way better, right?
Erase´ure of women and their lived experience at the alter of wokeness, a perfect example.
Calling people TERFs because they insist that there is a difference between a born woman and someone who transitions.
Anonymous
I don’t mind pregnant people.
I don’t have English as my first language, and in my native language it’s not usually specified that a pregnant person is most often a woman, so I’m not used to that being an important distinction. It will be commonly assumed that a pregnant person is a woman, but a “pregnant woman” is not a common phrase – probably considered a superfluous thing to specify. Instead a newspaper article will refer to “the pregnants” or something aka “all those who are pregnant” if saying something collectively about pregnant people.
“We are pregnant” is equally vile, though.
Anon
Does anyone here wear oxfords (like those from Office of Angela Scott) with dresses? Do you have styling tips? I love them so much but worry that they may not be as versatile as I’m imagining. Many women in my office wear them with pants suits and look wonderful, but they generally have a more androgynous style, while mine is more feminine though not overly so (lots of sheath and shift dresses, but nothing a-line).
anon
Depending on the length of the dress, I think oxfords can look really cute with sheaths and shift dresses. The trick is to make sure they’re above the knee, I think. I wear mine with both dresses and ankle pants. I’d say my style is on the more feminine side. (I personally like the contrast!)
Ribena
Yes, I wear them all the time. They’re really practical for wet and cold weather as the foot is more covered than it would otherwise be.
My standard smart office day outfit would be a flared dress (eg by Hobbs or Boden) with a blazer, opaque tights (black or navy, sometimes grey), and Oxfords. As others have said, the hemline needed for flats is a bit shorter than for heels – I usually have my skirts and dresses a few inches above my knees.
Ribena
Oh and on the androgyny/feminine scale – I’d say I dress quite feminine in terms of shapes, although I don’t like delicate embellishment, lace, etc.
No Face
I wear loafers instead of oxfords, but I wear them with literally anything. Once I got over the mental hurdle of thinking heels were “professional” or “correct,” I realized that I look great! It was similar to the mental hurdle of thinking that straightened hair was better or more professional than my natural texture. It’s not.
Anonymous
Go for it! I have some (real) patent leather loafers that I wear in lieu of heels with a dress/skirt and tights, and I have gotten many compliments on them!
Dogs
Here is an interesting question for a Monday: What is the most powerful statement that you ever received in a thank you card or review?
Anon
“You may not know that we requested that you lead this project. You have far exceeded the high expectations that we had from the start.”
No Problem
It wasn’t a card or review, but “I wish we had more [my name]s!” in an email or chat with a project manager.
Anonymous
Similar, I got a comment about how they wanted to clone me. Although in hindsight I think it was actually a comment on how they wanted more productivity from me, so not really the compliment I thought it was…
anon
I have to be honest, I rarely am able to take these statements to heart/appreciate them fully. From friends? Great. At work, I DGAF because after working in corporate America for so long, I assume everyone has an agenda and so I view everything with a heavy dose of skepticism. I have gotten plenty of what might be perceived as powerful statements in the course of my career, but none of them felt genuine. (I realize this is probably 50% a me problem and 50% a corporate America problem.)
anon in brooklyn
“I am honored to be your colleague” from someone well above me in title.
Anon
I will always be rooting for you. (And I knew they meant it.)
Anonymous
I love working with you because I can always count on you. – from a senior project leader
Anon
I am fortunate enough to be told that I was the best boss they’ve ever had by a number of people. I will take that with me though the rest of my life.
Anon
Any recommendations for modern romance novels, preferably set in the non-fantasy world, where the woman protagonist isn’t annoying? I like to read stories with strong, smart,kid kind woman, and find the ones I’ve picked lately have protagonists who come up with these elaborate but totally transparent lies, or are in a truly unrealistic situation. I guess I want a modern day romance novel with relatable characters in realistic situations. Thanks!
Cb
Oh, you want either Jasmine Guilloury or Helen Hoang’s romance novels. Jasmine’s are lighter, but both are very very good.
Anokha
+1. “The Wedding Date” by Jasmine Guillory is one of my faves in the genre.
Carrots
+2 to Jasmine Guillory. I reread “Party of Two” recently and absolutely loved Olivia as a character and related to a lot of aspects of her
No Face
I don’t even like romance as a genre, but I read Jasmine Guillory after seeing her name mentioned here. Very enjoyable!
Sloan Sabbith
+1, both of these were the first authors I thought of. I like them both, but Jasmine Guillory is more typical romance without serious themes.
Susannah Nix’s STEM woman series also fits this request.
Anon
Laurel Kerr’s novels.
Anon
I love Jenny Colgan and Mhairi McFarlane for this. I also like that the romance scenes aren’t quite so explicit as in other books.
anon
The Virgin River series if your tastes run a bit towards smart woman hooks up with blue collar-ish guy.
H13
Talia Hibbert
Anonymous
+1!
Try “Bet Me” by Jennifer Crusie. Rebekah Weatherspoon is great too (Rafe, Xeni). Kristen Callihan can also be good (VIP series, esp Managed).
Anon
Kristan Higgins books are usually not annoying.
A Nonny Mouse
Penny Reid’s Knitting in the City and Winston Brothers series are both great, with real, annoying women (and men) in the main role.
Anonymous
I have given up on het romance, and only read M/M gay romance. I’ve found it’s the only way I can relax and enjoy the story instead of going aargh! because of unrelatable, antifeminist protagonists.
There are still problems with the stories and charcterizations, but it’s easier to relax
RR
Anything by Penny Reid.
Anon
Thanks to being a military brat, I spent time in an country that was mainly Muslim. I know a bit more than my peers about Islam but live in an area now that has very few Muslims, but one thing I was wondering about with so much re Afghanistan in the news and the role of women is how in services / teachings, the wives of The Prophet are covered (Kadijah is my favorite wife, but I like how Aisha (her story is, ahem, problematic on some levels by modern western standards; not wading into polygamy except to note that not unique to Islam then and the world has largely moved past it now) rode camels into battle)? I am Christian / Episcopalian and there are parts of the Bible that are very problematic to me, but then parts that I really like (Esther’s story), so no faith may be easily and fully adopted by everyone who adheres to it. And maybe fundamentalists are fundamentalists regardless of faith. But I’m really curious because I’ve always liked the story of these wives and just wonder how that is taught or discussed generally within Islam. Maybe there is not “generally” sort of an answer here, except that maybe those two names are popular-ish for girls for a reason.
Dina Sara Maryam & other cross-cultural names
Unfortunately, many extremist Muslims will use those stories, lessons and interpretations as an excuse. I agree that Khadijah, known as the first convert to Islam and a wealthy widow who inherited a merchant business and supported her next husband Mohammed (PBUH) can be interpreted as a woman of power and truly a feminist. Unfortunately the extremists would still prefer that wealthy women stay in the domestic sphere. Even in more moderate Arab countries with a stronger middle-class, poorer women have never had the choice to stay home and are frequently seen on the streets either as entrepreneurs (best case scenario language) or as beggars. Most middle-class and progressive Muslims – and most Shi’a Muslims, who have had female leaders such as Benzair Bhutto – simply do not agree with these interpretations.
I lived and studied in Arab countries. Coming back to US, I am well aware…. religion can be used to justify anything. Think of the Evangelicals who supported twice-divorced and infinite affairs-man, President Trump. Meanwhile, many progressive churches spoke out against him, using the same language of the Bible that the Evangelicals follow. You can find the same thing in any religion – Hindus in India right now who are trying to separate more from Muslims as well as Hindus who are working across those boundaries. And of course there is a wide range in Judaism from the Hasidic extremists to much more secular and cultural Jews. I am not as interested any longer in religious justifications for actions and am just purely focusing on those actions to determine who are my allies.
Anonymous
As a progressive Christian, I am more focused on the religious justification for actions than ever. Not the “religious” argument for behavior, but the actual motivation. Does this action respect and promote the dignity of individual human beings? To me, that is the fundamental question when evaluating human behavior.
LaurenB
I kind of don’t know what you’re talking about TBH.
Boaty Mcboatface
Then, don’t answer? Wtf?
OP, to answer your question, in a lot of Muslim Sunday schools in the U.S., Khadija, Aisha, Fatima, and a few others are taught with awe and admiration; I’d also include Miriam/Mary and others, such as Pharaoh’s wife (who reportedly would secretly pray to the G-d of Abraham as Pharoah kept ignoring Moses/Musa). One hadith says these women will lead the world’s women into heaven on Judgement Day. So, there is admiration. Not sure how these women are described (if at all) in other Muslim settings in other parts of the world. I doubt the wahabi madarasas in Saudi and Afghanistan teach about these women, though I can’t confirm that.
But, as a previous poster noted, people (usually men) will use religion to justify anything. True that Islamic is more nuanced, but the problem is that all the people in charge, from the village level up to much higher (e.g. muftis) will disseminate whatever policies they want and use religion as a justification. This isn’t just in Islam, of course. It doesn’t help that literacy and critical thinking around common in many parts of the world (including the west)! Hope this helps to answer your Q!
Anon
I’m not particularly knowledgeable in this area, though I like to read about it. I read a recent long article in the New Yorker about the women of Afghanistan. Towards the end, it was noted by someone who was interviewed for the article that a lot of the treatment of women actual comes from village customs and mores, not from the teachings of Islam. One of the women interviewed said that she hoped for changes in the roles of women coming through the teaching of Islam.
The Worm, not the Early Bird
Friends, (Do we still say “Hivemind” here?)
I have a problem that affects me personally and professionally: I have no idea how long it will take me to do something.
So when I think, oh, this will only take X minutes or hours, and it takes 4x … that is a big problem! Even if the next time takes only 3x hours… yikes! That’s still way longer than X!
Conversely, sometimes something I am dreading is over with quite quickly, not so bad.
I don’t think this is JUST about time management – though I need to do that better, too. It is also because I have a kind of time blindness with my ADHD diagnosis. But more importantly than WHY — what do I do about this?! How do I manage expectations from others – 2nd manager in a row that I’ve missed deadlines on, yikes! – and from MYSELF?!
I am open to advice, open to sympathy, open to success stories. Please do not just say “manage your time better”. Please give me actual actionable (ugh what an adjective) tips and tactics that I can do to…. manage my time better.
For reference I am mid-career, early 40s, with an MBA, married spouse, + 3 kids under age 12.
How do know how long something will take me and estimate and work with myself and set and manage expectations?! Thank you!
Cat
1. Think about what assumptions you’re making in coming up with X and why they fail. (Do you not account for needing to ask questions of SMEs and response time from them? Is it often you assume something will be a “quick question” but then realize THAT person was making assumptions that are incorrect?)
2. Pad your own schedule.
3. If you start something – after doing the above – and realize it’s going to take you way longer than planned, go back to the person BEFORE it’s overdue, basically as soon as you realize, and explain or ask for guidance. Maybe you’re going further than they wanted. Maybe they’re happy with the level of detail and understand why it’s taking longer. Maybe they can light a fire under the SME you’re waiting for. Etc.
DoesntBelongHere
One thing you could try is timing yourself doing various activities for a week or two, and then basing your future estimates on those results. We tend to do the same sorts of things over and over again, so it could give you a good start.
PolyD
If you are doing the same thing over and over, write down how long it takes each time and keep the list someplace where you can easily see it?
For work, can you set fake deadlines? Tell yourself a thing needs to be done by Tuesday even if you really have until Thursday?
If you are constantly late to meet friends, ask yourself why you think your time is more important than theirs. Why is it okay to keep them waiting? If your friend was going to be killed if you didn’t meet them in time, would you still be cavalier about your ability to make it to a get-together on time?
I do not really have time management problems, so I don’t know if this is helpful, but the idea that I would miss deadlines and jeopardize my job would be enough to make me put in a serious effort to get things done on time.
Worm
Yup. So then to prove myself to the manager, I want to take on more… which after noting this pattern I feel is a bad way to try and dig myself out!
So yes, definitely feeling the heat, for sure!
AnonInfinity
I have noticed that my friends without time management problems think the late person thinks their time is more important. I don’t know anyone with time management problems who thinks that.
For me, I just have a really hard time understanding how long it takes to do things. I have learned that being late is hurtful to my friends who are timely and I understand why it’s annoying, so I really have gotten much much better about being on time to things by making a conscious effort (laid out in detail below). I just wanted to speak up for those who have problems sometimes and note that it’s usually not malicious or selfish, though there certainly are people who are consistently late because of those reasons!
January
+1
Anon
A lot of punctual people build in a buffer, and this makes it REALLY HARD to communicate to them. What helps me be on time for work is to ignore what my punctual husband says about however long it takes; instead, I break down the steps. It takes a minute to leave the house and get loaded into the car, ten minutes to drive, one minute to park, and two minutes to ride the elevator and get to my desk.
If my husband says that it takes “10 minutes” to get somewhere that he needs to be by 8 am, he’ll leave at 7:45 am. I will leave at 7:50 am. However, if I think it takes 14 minutes, I leave by 7:45, maybe 7:48.
They just subtract time and add it back in later, which is really sucky for those of us who don’t do those mental gymnastics.
LaurenB
I think those of us who are punctual don’t understand why you wouldn’t automatically build in those buffers, because there is *always* something that could go wrong. The idea of leaving at 7:50 am for the appointment 10 minutes away just doesn’t make sense to me.
AnonInfinity
LaurenB — It’s because different people’s brains work differently. People who have trouble conceptualizing the passage of time have been told our whole lives that we’re selfish or defective and “just build in a buffer” or “leave earlier.” Clearly it’s a challenge for certain people to build in the buffer or leave earlier automatically without thought. I’m sure there are things I think of instinctually that you don’t, and that’s ok! The OP asked for specific strategies people use to be on time, which clearly means her brain doesn’t automatically add the buffer, so she has to make a conscious effort to do that.
Anon
LaurenB, you just contradicted yourself because your “punctual” brain works wrong. The ENTIRE POINT is that it takes 14 minutes, not 10 minutes, when nothing goes wrong.
It isn’t “going wrong” to not teleport from the parking lot to the elevator.
It isn’t “going wrong” to need to scoop up laptop, lunch, coffee, purse, and back out of the driveway.
It isn’t “going wrong” to have to walk from my car into the building, to wait for the elevator, to ride up to the correct floor, to walk to my office.
If you want to build in a buffer for something “going wrong” (snow, road construction), you need to leave by 7:35. There’s no buffer for something “going wrong” if you leave at 7:45; that is when you arrive ON TIME if everything runs smoothly.
LaurenB
Anon, that’s explicitly why I said leaving at 7:50 for the 8 appt 10 minutes away doesn’t make sense. Adding a buffer is automatic. I think you misread what I said as saying that it made sense to leave at 7:50 for the 8 am thing.
Anon
Yes, it’s more about having no idea what time it is from minute to minute and no reliable sense of time passing. I’ll be completely ready to leave 40 minutes before the time I need to leave, because I’m so anxious about being late, but I can still miss the correct time to exit the door. I can look at the clock and then feel like many minutes have passed, but actually it’s the same time as the last time I looked at the clock. Then I look at the clock thinking it’s been a minute or two, but it’s been seven minutes. And that’s if all I’ve done is sit with my thoughts; I haven’t even gotten distracted doing something.
Anon
(And what I do is set alarms… but the difficulty distinguishing whether 30 seconds or 7 minutes have passed since the alarm went off can still be a struggle if I don’t make it out the door essentially before turning off the alarm. I basically waste a lot of time waiting either before leaving, or after arriving to my destination.)
LaurenB
But here’s the thing. So what that you waste time waiting at your destination? That’s what punctual people do. They’re supposed to meet someone at 8 am, let’s say, and so they plan out their time to be in the parking lot by 7:50 am. That gives a buffer zone in case there’s a small traffic jam, a detour, a train crossing, whatever. And … so you get there, and you have a few minutes before meeting the person. Far better to “waste time” then, than to “waste time” at home and then pull in at 8:10 am.
Anon
It’s hard to explain how it is with time blindness, but ten minutes isn’t a realistic buffer. I do better with a buffer of at least thirty minutes. The issue is just that I have less time in my days, and it’s hard to do anything with the waiting time or I’ll be late because I was in the parking lot and lost track of time again. It’s just a lot of watching clocks and setting alarms and losing track of other things (my thoughts, the purpose of the appointment, etc.) if my focus has to stay on the time.
The outcome is that I’m generally punctual but scattered. But if my system fails, it fails in a way that I think it wouldn’t for someone who didn’t have unmedicated ADHD.
anon
Every morning, I set a phone alarm for every single time-sensitive thing I need to do that day, and I do the leaving-time math in advance for offsite appts. It’s a good schedule review, and I make sure I get everything done.
Anon
As someone who is perpetually running 5 min late, I LOVE my friends who are perpetually 10 minutes late. There are no misguided assumptions about how important we think we are, just understanding all around that we are well intentioned and just juggling a lot of things.
Anon
“If you are constantly late to meet friends, ask yourself why you think your time is more important than theirs. Why is it okay to keep them waiting? If your friend was going to be killed if you didn’t meet them in time, would you still be cavalier about your ability to make it to a get-together on time?”
WTF???? If someone were going to be killed if I didn’t meet them at the taphouse at 6:30 pm tomorrow, I would take today and tomorrow off from work and literally camp out there. Get over yourself.
Anonymous
Two things I think could help:
1) Write down how long it takes you to do tasks / task types. Keep a running list. Then refer to it when a similar task comes up.
2) Some anecdata: Another manager once asked me to do a project that I expected to take ~200 hours to do correctly. He walked me back and said it should take 40-80 hours maximum. I reset my expectations for what that project would look like along the way (no stakeholder review – just implement the idea as-is, etc) to reduce the time. I know this is not the exact same problem – I overestimated per his expectations! But I was able to achieve it within the allotted 80 hours by resetting my expectations for my ‘definition of done’.
Oh, and 3 – you probably do this already, but as soon as you realize you won’t meet a deadline, check in with your manager and the assigning manager and see if someone else should take over, whether you should drop all other things to complete this project, etc, etc. Communication that you’ll be late is so much better.
My sister has ADHD with a time-component (she’s just…always late). She got her doctor to define this for her employer for ADA accommodations . For her, this means not being written up for being late to a job that doesn’t usually have a specific start-time deadline, but where employees are “expected” to be punctual. She works the required hours, just doesn’t always arrive by 8 am. I don’t know if this could at all be useful for you, apologies if not. Just know you’re not the only successful woman out there that this plagues!
Worm
Thank you, helpful!
I have over the past couple of years – seriously! Years! – adjusted my being-there-always-late problem to being there like *exactly*barely on time which trust me is a HUGE improvement! Thank you for that insight and yes, comfort!
Anonymous
These are two different issues:
1. Things you dread actually don’t take much time. In this case, the outsized emotion is making the thing appear enormous. Like an object casting a shadow on a wall. You’re looking at and listening to the shadow, not the object. Writing that email and hitting send may take 10 minutes. Procrastinating on it because of the awful emotion around it may take 10 hours. Solution: learn to deal with the awful emotion. (Bigger topic than I can write about in a small post.)
2. Missed deadlines. If you are consistently missing deadlines, I’d start by tripling all my time estimates of how long something will take. And I’d actually block out time on my calendar to work on it. If you’re really bad at breaking down a project into component parts and working on it consistently in order to meet a deadline, fine someone who is good at it and ask them to talk through the project with you and coach you on how to do it. You probably need someone who is hands-on with you for a couple of projects so that you can learn the process.
But you’ll also have to learn how to enforce it for yourself. This is the hard part. Especially if a deadline is two months away, it’s easy to think you can knock it out the week before, and then you get to that week, and it’s impossible to get it done because there literally aren’t enough hours in the day. This isn’t so much not being able to estimate time as not being able to consistently work on something when no outside structure is requiring you to. You’re going to have to learn how to be the outside structure for yourself. This isn’t easy if it doesn’t come naturally for you, but you can learn to do it.
anon
All good advice, I would add get a paper calendar. For me, the act of physically writing out my calls, tasks, things that need to get done during the week really helps. I use the monthly one from Day Designer so I can write out big projects in the monthly component, and my day, each day. The day pages have a half hour by half hour break down, then to-do, then notes section. Also, I set placeholder check ins with higher ups while working on big projects which impose a sense of urgency to avoid a huge last minute crunch.
Anonymous
These are totally ADHD-related problems — maybe an ADHD coach would help? I just heard about them on an episode of the podcast the Broad Experience and they sound awesome.
I operate with 10,000 alarms to remind me to do stuff.
Worm
Yup. Since it has affected my job in the past, my current contract project, and I am hopefully on my way to a new position…. I wrote to the founder/consultant/coach at ADHD Job Squad. I’ve been in a few of her webinars and online workshops and they’re pretty helpful.
Thanks!
AnonInfinity
I face this in my personal life, and one thing that has helped me is observing and talking through scheduling with my boyfriend, who is incredibly good at time management. I have found that I skip steps in my mind when planning. So let’s say I have to be at work at 8:30. I used to say to myself, “Ok it takes me 15 mins to get to work, so I need to get up at 7:45 so I can get ready.” Then I set my alarm for 7:45, which I will inevitably snooze at least once then panic bc I don’t have time to shower or eat breakfast, but then I have to pack breakfast, and…. You can see where this is going.
So now I will lay it all out in excruciating detail, especially the first few times. I literally say this out loud, usually to my boyfriend but if he’s not around, just to myself. Something like, “I have to be there at 8:30. It takes 5 mins to walk from my parked car to my desk, so I need to be parked at 8:25. It takes 15 mins to get there without traffic, so I need to add an extra 10 mins for traffic. So I need to leave the house by 8. I like to snooze, which is 10 mins. It takes me 10 mins to shower, 5 mins to put on make up, 10 mins to let the dog out and feed her, 5 mins to put on clothes, 5 mins to pack my lunch and breakfast. So I need to set my alarm for 7:15.”
I still have not mastered this for work, because I’m not always sure how to estimate how long it will take others, but this has been immensely helpful in my personal life!
Worm
Helpful! I guess this is how I get the kids out the door in the morning – be at bus stop at this time, have bags & masks on 5 minutes before (to allow time for being late, of course!), have shoes on 10 minutes before that, be eating breakfast 15 minutes before that, get dressed and up about 20 minutes before that… so yes. Now to transfer that to everything else in my life…. ;) Thank you!
Anonymous
(Another good idea that may work here — have a playlist that is exactly 15 minutes or 30 minutes and then you know by the time you hit the second song you have to be at X point… we’re doing this this school year with a classical 10-minute morning playlist and it’s less angst-ridden than the Alexa alarms.)
Anonymous
Another thing I find my late friends don’t do is that if they need to leave the house at 7:00p for something, they don’t know when they need to stop their previous activity in order to get out of house at that time. At work, it might look like scheduling back to back meetings, without factoring in the time needed to get from one meeting room to another, or to gather materials for the next meeting, etc. Or not factoring in the transition time needed to go from being in a meeting to being productive back at your desk.
AnonInfinity
Yes! This is what I do, and that’s why the alarm works for me. I set it 5 mins early so it’s a reminder that “Hey! Transition time exists so if you drop everything and head to the door now, you will be on time!”
Worm
Yes! And at work…. the “bio break” – do I go on the way to the next meeting, and be late? Or get to the next meeting, put down my stuff, and then excuse myself? Helpful perspective.
AnonInfinity
Oh! Another tip is to set an alarm. I literally set an alarm on my watch for 5 mins before I need to leave (per the time estimates above) and will not allow myself to ignore it. The alarm is my boss. I give myself the 5 minute cushion so I can wrap up what I’m doing ONLY and then get out the door. That means I can finish putting on my eye makeup, but it also means I use the lipgloss in my purse at a stoplight instead of picking out the perfect shade.
Anonymous
I think of myself as naturally good at being on time, and this is exactly what I do! For routine things I just know but for new things it’s always “ok this starts at 8, but security will take a while and I’ll want the bathroom so arrive at 7:20, subway takes 30mins plus 10 waiting time, walk is 10 mins, so I need to be grabbing my purse and putting on shoes at 6:25”
No Face
For work deadlines, I always say I will have something later than what I expect. So if I think I will complete a task Tuesday morning, I tell the court/client/partner that I will have it ready by the end of the day on Wednesday or Thursday. That way, if something unexpected happens on Tuesday morning, the person receiving the work product still receives it “on time.”
For daily things, I always put things in my google calendar. My default settings send me alerts an hour before and 35 minutes before. The hour alert reminds me that something is happening. The 35 minute alert tells me I should be walking out the door. It usually takes me 15 minutes to get somewhere, so the 35 minute alert includes a buffer for me not finding my phone, realizing I need something, using the bathroom, etc.
BL Anon
Does anyone have any long-distance moving company recommendations? I’ve heard using PODS is the way to go, but I still expect to need help with packing. I have some nice furniture and the last packers/movers I used managed to cause some damage to almost everything they touched. DC area.
Any other moving-related suggestions/recs also very welcome.
Anon
All the national moving companies you think of – Mayflower, Atlas, etc – are all franchises, so a good experience with one franchise doesn’t mean anything about an experience with another one. Your best bet is local reviews. Are you going to or from DC?
Anon
Great Scott Moving. They are great.
BL Anon
From DC.
Anon
Many moving companies will do long distance – doesn’t have to be a specialized company at all. One of my husband’s best friends has a moving company and he’s moved me a few times despite living in a neighboring state – a couple hours doesn’t really matter for major moves. I might source local recommendations on FB and ask them about their long distance rates.
Anon
PODS or U-Pack cubes, which I’ve personally had really good experiences with, are probably better if you’re mostly moving stuff and only a little furniture (like a maybe a bed- it’s hard to pack other furniture efficiently). If you have a lot of nice furniture, you’re probably better off with traditional movers. Like everyone else says, the national movers are all operated by local franchises, so you really need local reviews. I did a cross country move with United a few years ago without a single thing being damaged, but that won’t really mean much for you being in a different location. I packed myself, but they did the furniture. It really does come down to the packing and I’m a very good packer- unfortunately I have a lot of experience!
Anonymous
From my email it looks like we used “JD Carton & Son Moving Company, a premier agent for Allied Van Lines,” a few years ago because I have a binding quote from them in my email.
Ours was complicated by the fact that we moved/stored half our stuff in May so we could properly “show” the apartment, and then we moved for good in July. We didn’t get our stuff until August though, I remember waiting for weeks.
Anon
Be very careful of long distance moving scams! https://www.chrislovesjulia.com/avoid-moving-fraud-10-red-flags-to-watch-out-for-when-hiring-a-moving-service/
ollie
I moved from DC to NC in July and used Great Nation Moving. They did a great job (though we did all of the packing) — fair and easy price quote, arrived on time and delivered next day, and nothing broken or damaged.
Anonymous
A moving company that you pay for insurance.
BL Anon
Does anyone have any long-distance moving company recommendations? I’ve heard using PODS is the way to go, but I still expect to need help with packing. I have some nice furniture and the last packers/movers I used managed to cause some damage to almost everything they touched. DC area.
Any other moving-related suggestions/recs also very welcome.
Kelsey
My daughter had an elective procedure recently and we are going to the follow up visit soon. I am so grateful to the surgeon and the staff for being so kind and grateful. In particular, this is a really small case for the surgeon and not a money maker (it’s not covered by insurance so I paid out of pocket and the quotes I received from another surgeon was way higher) so I’m glad he was able to help (a couple of other surgeons declined and said they would have residents do it, etc.). I would like to give them a token of my thanks. I was thinking of either getting a box of nice chocolates for the staff and a separate one for the surgeon, or $5 Starbucks gift cards for the staff (there’s a Starbucks in the building) and nothing for the surgeon since he can afford his own coffee. Any better ideas or suggestions? I know people are going to say write a note, but I don’t think this doctor is actually going to care about a note – he’s not a feelings person – but everyone on his staff is truly fantastic.
Anonymous
What health care providers really seem to want these days is positive reviews on G00gle, etc.
Anonymous
I know a few “not a feelings person” surgeons and they keep every single thank you note they receive and genuinely appreciate the notes.
Anon
This. My husband is not a feelings person and does not let me throw out the thank you notes. He reads them aloud to me when he gets it and they stay on our fridge for way too long.
LaurenB
You’d be surprised. My husband — not a feelings guy — keeps every note that a patient has ever sent, and it means a lot to him. He’s also received chocolates and Starbucks cards and homemade cookies and so forth, but those are ephemeral — the notes are forever. While there is certainly nothing wrong with giving the chocolates and Starbucks cards, I think notes and reviews on social media may mean more.
Anonymous
Food is probably fine. Make sure it is commercially packaged (not something homemade). Bonus points for something individually packaged in single servings. They may be prohibited from taking a gift card. I agree, thank you notes are really the way to go.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’d write a nice note and maybe send the office a nice cookie tray. Also, maybe a nice bottle of champagne for the doctor. You can also call the front desk and see if they know his preference/whether he drinks. My dad is a pediatrician and often received these gifts from patients.
Anon
Alcohol seems like overkill. But a cookie tray- prebought, not homemade- and a nice note seems perfect.
anon
Has anyone noticed that they seem to need a lot more sleep in their 40s? I am an early riser (5:15-5:30ish so I can exercise before work), so I’m in bed by 9:30-9:45. By the time the weekend rolls around, naps are not a want, but a need. I immediately feel better, more rested, and in a better mood. I come from a long line of nappers on my dad’s side of the family, so maybe this is just how I am now? I dislike that I am low-level tired quite a bit of the time. I struggle with anxiety, so I’m sure I’m burning through energy like crazy in the background. I wish I could figure out a better way to manage my energy levels during the work week.
Anonymous
I’m 37.5 and in the past 3 months I’ve started sleeping an extra 1-1.5 hours/night. Same with my 38ish year old husband. We joke that we aged a decade during the pandemic.
H13
I could have written this exact post. I can make it through the work week but by the time the weekend roles around, I truly need an hour+ nap on both weekend days. I’ve always needed a lot of sleep and I also have two little kids. I think if you can nap, do it! I am also not someone that can power nap. I need an hour or more. You aren’t alone and I truly find naps to be a great pleasure.
Anon
+1
Anon
I have struggled with whether this is something that has happened to me just because I’m in my forties, or because I’m going on 2+ decades of not being on my natural sleep cycle. Left to my own devices, I stay up until 1 in the morning, and then wake up naturally at around 8:30 or 9. I’ve never had a job or life where I was able to maintain that sleep schedule. I absolutely cannot fall asleep before 11:30 p.m., but then I have to get up at 6:30 a.m., and I just feel sleep-deprived all the time unless I get naps in on the weekend. I’ve seen a sleep specialist and tried everything they recommended to “reset” my natural biorhythm but nothing worked. I also have bloodwork done every year and nothing problematic has ever shown up that would explain the tiredness. My doctor told me that in his opinion, I am one of those people who needs 8-9 hours of sleep and if I don’t get it nightly, my body will force me to make it up somewhere. It’s the best explanation I’ve gotten so far.
I am fortunately out of the season of life where I have to supervise my kid on the weekends and/or keep him busy, and so usually fitting a nap in isn’t too big of a problem, but like you, I feel like I would like to have better management of my energy through the work week so I didn’t get to the weekends feeling like “I’ve got to sleep in and nap this weekend or I’m going to collapse.” I work out during the week and eat pretty healthy and still feel like if I can’t get that Sunday afternoon nap in, my weekend is ruined. Interested to hear if anyone has come up with a solution that works for them.
A.
Funny — I just turned 40 and feel like I need less sleep now! But my sleep needs are generally higher than they used to be b/c of the pandemic, I think. That sh*t is exhausting.
anon
OP here, and that’s very possible! I turned 40 during the pandemic so it’s hard to tell what’s aging vs. what’s the hellscape we’re living in.
Anonymous
I’m 37 and feel the same. I *need* an afternoon nap and more sleep in the night. I think it’s pandemic stress!
Anonymous
I think it’s the pandemic. You generally need less sleep as you age.
Anonymous
My family are planning Thanksgiving, we are DINKs and my sister lives in another state 4 hours away and they have a 2 year old. My Mom is suggesting coming to us for Thanksgiving and going to my sisters family the day after. They went to my sister last year and I suspect my Mom is only suggesting they come to us under an expectation of taking turns to who they go to. Is it selfish if I don’t offer for them to go to my sister instead? I can’t help but think they’d really rather see my toddler niece on the day. My brother-in-law is an only child so has hosted his parents the past year or two but before that they always choose to spend the holiday just the two of them and we hosted my parents. (We don’t celebrate Christmas and we have dogs/watch my parents dogs when they visit my sister so we don’t all go at once usually. We will also be hosting my in-laws). My parents are elderly and in bad health so it’s important to me we see them on holidays but I don’t want to keep them from their Grandchild. (Assume all of the above is done in a covid safe way and area).
Anonymous
Definitely not selfish! I have small children, but none of my siblings or siblings in law do and I happily send all the parents to siblings for holidays.
Anon
Family dynamics are complicated, but I would
– see if your sister is up for hosting all of you with help from you/your H (are they allergic to dogs or something?) or
– host and invite your sister and her extended family to your house
I personally would focus on being together and I’d think you’d want to see sister and nibling too??
Anonymous
Don’t invent problems! You want to see your parents. They want to see you! They suggested a plan that works for them and you! Just agree to the plan. (Idk why you aren’t inviting sister to yours or going to hers but assume there is some good reason).
NYCer
+1 to all of this. Either leave the plan as is, or else offer to combine forces with your sister (either at your house or her house).
Anonymous
My $.02 is that you and your partner go see your sister and your parents on Thanksgiving day. But I can understand why you don’t want to do that.
Separately, I am so happy to see travel and family related drama pop up again. Last year was so awful.
roxie
Gently: of curse they would rather see the toddler. Children make holidays much more fun for grandparents. (assuming a healthy family dynamic).
As the only childfree sibling of my group of 4 (and happily so), I learned pretty quickly that of course our parents prioritize seeing the grandkids. To me this is a fact of life and it’s not about me personally – I am close with my whole family and I know they love and adore me. And Even I agree holidays are more fun when the cute kids are there! This is all expected and I play along.
To me, this is something you get over and you agree to be the second-tier when it comes to scheduling.
Anonymous
Except her parents literally proposed this plan.
Anon
Strongly disagree.
Anon
+1.
Anon
We were the last couple in my husband’s family to have a child, and his parents often mentioned how nice it was to talk about something other than kids. Maybe your parents want some adult conversation?
Jeffiner
Not selfish at all. Why would seeing their Grandchild on Thanksgiving be better than seeing her the day after? Its not like Christmas where you have the magic of kids opening presents. A 2 year old on Thanksgiving will eat half a roll, give the sweet potato casserole a side eye, and run off to play (dragging an adult for supervision).
Anon
I don’t think OP is being selfish, but I disagree with you there’s no value in spending Thanksgiving Day with a 2 year old. Grandparents enjoy celebrating holidays with grandkids, even if the grandkids aren’t going to remember or really participate. Fwiw, I feel like Thanksgiving often takes on more significance in families that don’t celebrate Christmas since it’s the only major late fall/winter holiday. That’s certainly the case in my family. It’s really important to my parents to be with our family on Thanksgiving Day, and important to me to have them there. The day after would not be an adequate substitute.
Anon
You could always have your celebration a day later.
Anonymous
Op here- thanks all so far. I would happily combine with my sister but they won’t visit us (and haven’t done for over 5 years), they insist people visit them which we always do, but I know if I suggest it then the only option considered would be us going to them as usual.
anon
I know it’s not ideal and it’s rude that your sister always asks people to go to her, especially given that your parents are in bad health, but…given that your parents are in bad health, I would either go to your sister’s and do in laws the next day, or have a reality check conversation with your sister that she’s being selfish, and have her come to you as well for once so you can host everyone in one go and your parents don’t have to do both. Yes, it’s unfair your sister never visits, but it’s also unfair to have your parents drive that far if they’re in bad health.
Canadian Election
This is your official reminder for Canadians to go out and vote no matter how annoyed you are that we are having an election.
Pomme-Grenade
Thank you for this reminder. I am annoyed at this election that should not have happened in 2021 and I’m scared with the potential outcome of the election. We sometimes seem to forget that we are pretty lucky to live in such a progressive country. Yes, it is not perfect and things could be improved but things could always be worse. I will be watching the results tonight with anxiety.
Anon
Thank goodness for advanced polls. There were only three other people at the polling station when I went last week.
A
I voted in the advance poll, was easy
My 20 year old son had to register today, we moved and his election card didn’t arrive
Anyway, our new polling station was awesome, and the process was easy even though a 20 yr old has very little mail with both address and name
And yes, I am pi$$ed Trudeau called an election during a freaking pandemic
But as I lecture both kids, people emigrate to our country for the privilege of democratic government
(I’ll get off my soapbox now lol)
Anon
Since pre-school age, I have been extremely insecure, self-conscious, and obsessed with my physical appearance. I obsess in my head about how I look, wondering how others think I look, making plans for how to improve my appearance. It’s never enough. It occupies a lot of brain space at any given moment. I often evaluate others’ appearances and think about “what I would do if I were them” to improve it, and wonder how they feel about their appearance. Wondering if they are insecure like me or if they don’t really think about it, and what do they think about instead? I desperately want to turn this gross internal dialog off. FWIW, I’m married, and certain my husband is attracted to me, but that doesn’t impact my insecurity at all. I’m in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. I think I really need to address this obsession to make progress. Please comment with any advice, resources, etc! TY
Anonymous
That’s good you’re already in therapy, but what kind? Maybe cognitive behavioral therapy would help with this specific issue (as opposed to talk therapy).
Anon
My thoughts exactly – CBT!
anon
Focus on what makes other people beautiful, rather than picking apart what they should or could do to improve themselves.
For yourself, positivity might be too much to ask, but you can start to be a bit more … neutral about your appearance. Few among us are great beauties. Most of us are somewhere on the continuum of average, and that’s okay. It’s probably the least interesting thing about us.
pugsnbourbon
+1 google “body neutrality.” And another +1 to CBT.
Have you ever been evaluated for OCD?
Anon
Hi I’m glad you’re getting help but when I get too focused on thinking about how others see me, I try to remember that everyone is really the same as me, only worried about how they look and not worried at all about how I look. That’s the truth. People generally do not remember how you look or even care that much. I saw three of my best long term friends over the weekend and if I make an effort, I can tell you vaguely what one of them was wearing, but not the other two. Can’t remember how they wore their hair or whether they wore makeup. Seriously.
Anon
Very glad that you can admit that this is a problem. As someone who does not often think about anyone’s looks (and is much happier that way), I think about anything else – my job, the book I’m reading, what to make for dinner, the grocery list, the weather, my training plans.
The above suggestions are good; this is an issue for therapy and it will take a lot of work. Unsolicited advice: I have known a handful of people like you, and their obsession with the looks of people around them strains relationships. No one enjoys having their bodies picked apart, their makeup choices commented on, their clothes subjected to scrutiny. When called on it, they do not understand that they are wrong because to them, this is normal. If your friends or family have commented on this to you or have pushed back, take it to heart.
Anon
This might be a bad idea, I dont know!
But it almost seems like this is a “tic” in your head that you do to fill time… what if you replaced it with a different tic or minor obsession? For example, when you look at someone’s face try to remember every Spanish word for their body part (eyes, nose, nostril, eardrum, ear, lips, teeth, tongue…). There will be a different internal dialog going on in your head that will distract you.
I used to have a weird thing where I would count the number of letters in words in my head and make a number sequence… for example from the start of this sentence would go “1 4 2 4 1 5 5 5 1….”
It could be something more impactful and less trivial, but basically I am saying fill your brain with something that you have to struggle a bit to recall and process in your head, so that it won’t fill with this.
Anonnymouse
One exercise I find helpful is to think about how you would respond to a close friend if they said really negative things about themselves – how would you treat them? Then try an apply that grace and understanding to yourself. Also, maybe check out this book which deals with what you’re talking about (full disclosure, haven’t read it yet myself). Katie Sturino’s book Body Talk:
https://katiesturino.com/books
Ironing boards & covers
I hate my ironing board and its cover, which is bulky and doesn’t stay in place. Any recommendations for either an ironing board cover or ironing board that you love? I do light sewing projects.
Anonymous
May not help, but I have a cheap hair straightener for my light sewing projects. It lives in my sewing box. (For my clothes, I own a cheap steamer – I ditched the iron in our last move).
Anon
I’m about to give notice and I have a boatload of PTO I won’t use or get reimbursed for. I can’t use any during my two weeks, right?
Anon
Sure you can – why not?
Anonymous
Really? This is terrible advice. It’s possible your company policy doesn’t expressly prohibit taking time in your notice period (most handbooks will address this), but it certainly is unprofessional and burns bridges with your colleagues. The point of giving notice is to allow a transition of knowledge/responsibility- which you can’t do on vacation.
Op- if your company policy doesn’t prohibit taking time off during your notice period, I’d suggest talking to your manager to see if you can work out an arrangement like taking a long weekend or leaving early a few days. You could also float taking a week off before your official two weeks. (Again, not a great look to spring two weeks notice on someone the day you get back from vacation- so I wouldn’t do this without talking to your manager.)
Go for it
+1
Anon
I agree you with you that it’s unprofessional, but if I had weeks of accrued vacation leave that my employer was refusing to pay me I’d sure as sh1t take it during the notice period. They’re being so unfair to their employees, it shouldn’t be a shock to them that their employers don’t care about being unprofessional in the notice period.
Anon
Obviously I wasn’t suggesting she hand in her notice and take the whole notice time period off and not transition anything. For most people though it doesn’t take two weeks of working full days to transition things and it’s certainly common everywhere I’ve worked (major corporations) to take vacation rather than sit in the office doing nothing for the sake of who knows what. I’ve never burned a bridge doing that and if my manager would rather me sit in a chair doing nothing than take PTO it seems like a toxic workplace you should run away from. I mean you also recommended she talk to her manager to take see if she could some time off so it’s not terrible advice, ya know? It’s not unprofessional to ask to take time off if you’re not busy.
Anon
It depends on your employer’s policies and the laws in your jurisdiction.
Anon
Isn’t it illegal for them to not pay out accrued PTO? I thought companies offered “unlimited” vacation specifically for this reason– so they wouldn’t have to pay it out when people leave.
No Face
Depends on the jurisdiction.
X
We don’t get paid for ours. It is a grant of time, not an accrual. So anything we don’t take by the end of the year is forfeited and we don’t get paid for it when we leave. I lose a lot of time every year!
Jeffiner
Its pretty common in my company to say “I will be leaving the company in 6 weeks, but my last day of working is in 2 weeks, as I will use PTO for the remaining 4.”
Anon
+1 to this.
Anonymous
If you have an already planned vacation then don’t cancel it for the sake of a job you’re leaving anyway. I also think it’s ok to take off Friday before you leave (not the Friday that would be your last day) to get a 3 day weekend, even if you hadn’t already scheduled time off. But I wouldn’t take off like a week of your two weeks’ notice absent a really compelling reason (ie not just that you’ll lose the PTO).
Brunette Elle Woods
This is tricky and probably depends on your specific company. Read the company handbook. I gave notice while on vacation bc that was the only way I could give a full two weeks so it was ultimately out of my hands. I gave 1 week of actual work time and didn’t get reimbursed for the vacation I didn’t use despite having a ton of days due to covid. My friend gave two weeks notice but also had vacation planned and her company fired her at the start of her vacation. She was immediately locked out of everything as her flight took off.
Anon in sf
Help!
After working at my kitchen for a year my back needs something better!
But I want to work from a desk in my living room which is very visible – does an attractive/trendy office chair that is also super comfortable exist?
Please help with any links!!
Thank you
AZCPA
I love my Herman Miller Sayl chair. It definitely looks like an office chair, but an attractive modern one. And comes in tons of colors to blend with your space.
Anon in sf
Thank you!
Dumb question – are these chairs delivered fully assembled?
AZCPA
No, but it was a simple put the chair on the castor section, no complex assembly.
Anon in sf
Great thanks!
Anonymous
Yes they are. I have one and love it!
Anonymous
Any favorite online vintage/antique jewelers? Looking for something not stratospherically expensive.
Anon -- paging Senior Attorney
Per Senior Attorney’s recommendation, I bought the marled gray boucle moto jacket from AT years ago, in petite and a size larger b/c that is what they had in stock still. I paid retail. The jacket is meh — it pilled a bit, it’s a bit boxy (but then I gained COVID weight, so hurrah, it still fits!), the sleeves aren’t long enough (probably even on a non-petite). AND YET I wear it all the dang time and the $ per wear is probably pennies.
What other jackets are in your rotation now (and perhaps in stores also)? You hit this one out of the park (but I need more, pref with full sleeves).
Sybil
I still have that jacket too! And the matching skirt, though I wore them separately. I haven’t worn it for years but I won’t get rid of it because I love it so much.
Senior Attorney
oh, man! I just retired that jacket because it was pretty pilly and I miss it!
Honestly I am not really into jackets at the moment because our office has gone casual and I can’t really be bothered! I am enjoying my J Crew field jqcket but it’s definitely more of a casual look.
Senior Attorney paging jacket poster
Coming back to say I posted on the Tuesday thread, but check out Nic + Zoe. They have some nice similar-colored, similar-ish-style options!
Anon in sf
Question number 2:
My company is giving us all of thanksgiving week off – any suggestions for 3 night get away during the first half of thanksgiving week? No kids. Would fly from Oakland. I love seeing new places, walking all over a city (or hiking). Do not include the PNW.
Anonymous
I was going to say Napa but then I read you’re flying out of Oakland, lol. What about the desert southwest? It should be cool but not too cold in AZ and NM that time of year. Good food and nice scenery for hiking. Chicago and the Northeast are so hit or miss that time of year – you could get a beautiful sunny 60 degree day but you could get 30 and freezing rain, so I wouldn’t plan to travel there unless you have a lot of things you’d be happy to do indoors.
Anon in sf
Thank you – Santa Fe has been in my list
Anon
I feel like Phoenix is lovely and has a lot of parks within the city itself and good hiking. Desert Botanical Garden is fantasic and I love Old Town Scottsdale. You’d need a car.
That may not feel like “away” enough, in which case if you can get to Asheville, get to Asheville (or even Charlotte, where you can drive easily to Asheville and hike along the way). Walkable city + good nearby hiking.
Anon
Tucson is neat. Way better than Phoenix, that’s for sure.
Anon
+1 Tucson or Sedona if you want to do Arizona.
AZCPA
+1000
anon
If it’s only 3 days, I wouldn’t do Sedona, just because you’re adding 4+ hours (roundtrip) in the car to an already quick trip- there are no commercial flights. Scottsdale is beautiful at Thanksgiving, lots of hiking, Tucson is nice too, if you can fly direct.
Anon
Russian River is gorgeous in the fall, same with Mendocino and the coast. Of course this may be old hat since you’re in Oakland, but if not I highly recommend it.
Elegant Giraffe
Albuquerque and Santa Fe. Or, 3 nights is the perfect amount of time in Vegas for me.
Anonymous
Yes I love a long weekend in Vegas!
Anon
It’s that time of the year when my dad needs a birthday present for my mom, leaves it to the last minute, then relies on me to help him research/shop for the gift. Drives me absolutely bonkers every time.
anon
Ugh, dads. And of course you don’t want to be the one to drop the ball and leave your mom hanging.
anon
I leave them both hanging. My dad is an adult, as is my mother. Years ago, after being the go between for years, I said no more. Talk to each other about this, not me. Guess what? It’s fine. I don’t even know how it shook out but at least no one bugs me about it anymore and that’s a win in my book.
tova
It’s a bs workaround, but I keep a running bookmark folder on my browser and drop in “gift ideas” throughout the year, and refer there. If you are willing to keep doing this for your dad, could keep an idea folder and have it ready earlier than when he asks. Or just order a gift youreself for your mom, and/or let him “tag” on, or reimburse you.
eertmeert
Tell him “cash always fits” and let it ride.
anon
How soon is too soon to adopt an animal, after losing a beloved pet? My geriatric kitty died about a month ago. I still miss him immensely. However, despite my protests that it would be a long time before I felt ready to get another cat, I am spending a lot of time on animal rescue websites. Having a young one would be quite a different experience than having my geriatric dude, but I really miss having a cat around! If I can talk my DH into it, I’d love to get a pair of siblings or at least a couple of cats that have already bonded. That might be a big ask, though.
Anonymous
It’s never too soon. Most people I know who got a new pet immediately after losing a beloved pet reported that it helps SO much. You should definitely go for it. I’m sorry about your kitty.
Anonymous
Get a pair! Two is so much easier than one because they keep eachother occupied. It’s better for them to play together than have a solo cat getting themselves into mischief alone.
Anonymous
My friend got a new cat the next day no regrets. If you and your family feel ready, it’s time.
Anon
When it’s the right pet at the right time, you just know. Don’t force it.
Anon
I don’t think there’s a rule. You can grieve your late kitty while also opening your home to a new one. It’s a wonderful thing, to have a big heart and to share that love.
Anonymous
I’m sorry for your loss, if you feel ready then I think you are! I was ready for a pair of kittens a month after losing our beloved geriatric cat, but not for a year when a young cat of ours died suddenly. I do think it’s different when it’s been an older pet you know has lived a living lifetime.
Anon
I think it’s usually recommended to get two when getting kittens. It’s different from puppies where two makes things harder; the usual rule is that two makes kittens easier.
With adult cats you have options though. I don’t think there’s any such thing as too soon aside from your own feelings. My cats are older, and I cannot even think about what I’ll do when they’re gone. I will take it day by day and do what makes sense to me then.
Anon
It totally depends on you! It’s ok to be ready for a new kitty when a senior pet passes.
BB
I don’t think there is a “too soon” as long as you feel ready to accept the new animal on their terms and for their personality and not expecting them to be a 100% clone of your late pet (because they can’t be). I was the other way around: I thought I’d get a new cat immediately, and it turned out I needed a good 8 months. Then we ended up getting a cat who is the complete opposite of our geriatric cat (not just because she’s young but also she’s just a lot friendlier than our old grouch). And I absolutely adore her!
Me
We lost a dog five weeks ago and are adopting a senior dog shortly. I too wonder if it is too soon but there’s SO much need. Our pets would probably want other pets to know a loving home, just like they did. Definitely a bonded pair because those are harder to adopt out – most people are “backfilling” just one.
AugNon
I grew up with cats (2-3 at a time) and we considered going to the shelter for a new friend to be part of our grieving process, so it often happened within 1-2 weeks of a death.
Anon
I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive, but I think ASAP. You can mourn your beloved pet while providing a loving home for another pet in need. Don’t think of it as replacing your other pet. I just don’t think there’s a need to voluntarily keep that void open.
Anon
Unfortunately, I can answer this. I had to unexpectedly put my 16-year old cat down about 6 weeks ago. I had a 13-year old cat that had never been alone. He was very lonely so after 3 weeks I adopted a 10-month old kitten. They quickly took to each other. Then after less than 2 weeks, my older cat got sick, and the vet found very advanced cancer and I had to put him to sleep 2 days later. I was in no way mentally ready for another cat but did not think it was fair to have a kitten by himself. So I adopted a 5-month kitten days after. They also get along great (I was was careful in getting lots of info from the rescue and looking at cats that had been exposed to a lot of other foster cats). They get along great, but having two (older) kittens is a different experience! There is nothing in my house that they have not jumped up on or in. They spend a large part of their days running around doing things they shouldn’t (climbed the drapes yesterday). But they are fun and cute. And this phase won’t last forever. A bonded pair is a great idea, don’t have to worry about compatibility, I saw so many bonded pairs in my searches. Even though it was ‘too soon’ it is turning out okay. They will not replace my old cats, but will be great pets in their own way. And there are so many cats out there that need a good home, that helped me feel like I was doing the right thing.
anon
What a ride! I am so sorry about the loss of both of your cats. I’m so glad you have your spunky kittens to help fill the void.
Smokey
If you are ready for a new cat, get one! And you sound like you’re ready. In my view, there is no better way to honor the life of your beloved pet than by saving the life of another. Go for it!
DCJ
We adopted a new kitty 2 days after our BFF of 11+ years died. It was the best possible thing we could have done for our family. Our house was too quiet and sad; we needed a cat!
Anon
My experience has been that when I’m getting over a senior cat passing, I am not in a mental space to tolerate the antics of a kitten. I have preferred to adopt adult cats in those cases. Kittens tend to come into my life on their own power (i.e., local strays that make themselves at home against my will).
anon
OP here, and this is a really good point. I adore kittens; who doesn’t? But I wonder if it would be better to adopt a slightly older cat who has calmed down a bit. My boy was pretty, uh, calm in his last couple of years, so kitten energy might be a lot!
Anon
I am the poster above that had to put down my both of my older cats and now have kittens. The 10-month old is so much better than the 5-month old. He is inquisitive and has investigated everything, But he seems to have less bad ideas than the baby does. Maybe look for a bonded pair that is 10-months +. The rescue I worked with said that most people want the younger kittens.
Anon
I lost a geriatric cat three years ago. A couple of months later, I adopted a kitten, despite every intention of finding an older animal. She was the right cat for our family (and, according to my husband, gave him saucer eyes at the shelter that said “This is my new mom and I already love her”).
Anon
Never too soon. Go get your kitty and I’m so sorry about your loss.
Anon
We lost a dog in 2016 (old age) and were temporarily petless. I said when he passed that it would be at least a year before I could think about getting another dog. I made it three months. I just couldn’t stand the silence in the house; my late dog’s absence at that point was almost a presence. I found an adorable young-adult dog on Craigslist and adopted her, and then adopted a second dog about a year later. I don’t think there’s a “right” time other than the time that’s right for you. Guaranteed, the animals you’re looking at need good homes and if you feel you’re in a place to provide one, that goes a long way in my book.
Anon
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty. My DH and I were at the shelter and had found our next cat 4 days after our 18-year-old kitty died. I don’t think it’s too soon if you feel ready. Bonded pairs are wonderful. Please consider an adult pair (that is, older than kitten age). The kittens have an easy time getting adopted, whether in pairs or as singles. The older pairs have it harder. I say this as someone who volunteers as a cat socializer in my local shelter and who has adopted a wonderful older bonded pair (age 6 at the time, but bonded pairs come in all ages). Plus, an adult pair will be calmer than kittens and perhaps an easier transition from having a geriatric cat. I found this was true in my case for sure. Whatever cats find their home with you will be very lucky.
Shopping Help
Shopping help please! I’ve been invited to a charity cocktail outdoor gala by my boss and I’ve had zero luck finding anything in my usual spots (Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, etc.). Looking for something a little more exciting than a work sheath, but still conservative enough to wear around my bosses. Size 12, hourglass figure. TIA!
Anon
check out lulus dot com
very good quality for the $, lots of customer pics
Shopping Help
Thanks! I actually ordered a few things from them online last night but wasn’t sure about the quality or fit. Hopefully something works!
Anonymous
My 14-year-old has already decided that the quality is subpar and the styles are immature and only suitable for clubbing. So, yeah, I’d pass on Lulus for an adult person.
eertmeert
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/marina-fit-and-flare-sequin-lace-dress/6451017?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F12%2C%20L&color=069
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/focus-by-shani-laser-cutout-short-sleeve-dress/6471019?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F12%2C%20L&color=004
I think this one is my fav so far, ymmv:
https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/sleeveless+smock+waist+pleated+midi+dress/570315000?color=001&catId=cat11679473
https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/floral+print+midi+dress/570308624?color=3511&catId=cat11679473
pugsnbourbon
Ooh, that black pleated dress is really lovely.
I’ve had my eye on a couple Alexia Admor-brand items at Nordstrom Rack:
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/alexia-admor-naomi-drape-surplice-neck-sheath-dress/6000466?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FALEXIA%20ADMOR&color=601
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/alexia-admor-puff-sleeve-v-neck-sheath-dress/6100498?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FALEXIA%20ADMOR&color=448
Shopping Help
Thank you!!
Anon
I’ve seen several news stories saying that immunocompromised people get a “third dose” and ‘regular’ (for lack of a better term) people will get a “booster.” These stories emphasize over and over that third doses and boosters are not the same thing. Is this a distinction without a difference? I have an autoimmune disease so even though I don’t think of myself as immunocompromised I’m getting a third dose this week on my doctor’s advice. But I’m a little worried boosters will eventually be required for travel, and I’m worried my “third dose” won’t count for that. Does anyone know anything about this?
anon
Based on what I am reading, the distinction is the timeframe. A booster is 8 months out from the second dose, whereas the third dose is 28 days after the second dose. Front load vs top up.
Anon
I don’t think anyone knows what will be required for travel in the future. Will your records clearly state “3rd dose” vs “booster”? Or just note the date of your 3rd shot? Airlines and immigration won’t know if you are immunocompromised.
Anon
I don’t know what the card will say, I guess that’s part of what I was asking, like will it be obvious from the card that this was a “third dose” and not a “booster”? Third dose will be almost 7 months since my second dose. I don’t know any immunocompromised people who got the third dose 28 days after the second because the FDA only authorized it last month, and most high risk people in the US were fully vaccinated by March, so for most people I think it’s been at least 5-6 months.
Anon
Immunocompromised and got my 3rd dose, booster, or whatever last week. I just looked at my card and it just notes the date, Moderna, the lot number, and the place where I got it.
Anonymous
The third dose is for people who may not have mounted a complete response to the two original doses. For these people, it’s part of the primary series to get them to the same place as others who had two doses.
A dose that follows the primary series is a booster.
Anonymous
Those are the official definitions, but it’s definitely getting muddied. Currently only third doses for immunocompromised people are FDA approved. You can’t technically get a booster in the US yet. But many non-immunocompromised elderly people (including my parents) are going and getting third doses as de facto boosters. There’s no reason to think they didn’t mount an immune response to the first two doses, they just want the third dose ASAP because they’re high risk due to age and other health conditions and it’s been 8 months since they were vaccinated. At least with Pfizer it’s the same amount of vaccine, so I don’t think it really matters what you call it.
Anon
I got Moderna #3 today and the card just says the name, date, lot number and location, exactly the same as for doses #1 and #2.
I don’t know for sure, but I suspect vaccination requirements will eventually be “Covid vaccine within the last X months” and your third dose will be just as good as a booster for that. Austria already does this – I believe you have to be within 270 days of vaccination (so some US healthcare workers are already hitting the time limit!)