ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: ‘Miller Dickey’ Double-Breasted Blazer

A woman wearing a red double-breasted blazer and black pants with black boots and a black bag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The double-breasted Veronica Beard blazer has been a cool-girl staple for years, but this red stretch crepe fabric is one of my favorites. Wear it with trousers for an easy office outfit or toss it on as outerwear when the weather warms up a bit.

Pro tip: If you love this style, but Veronica Beard prices aren’t in your budget at the moment, the Banana Republic Captain’s Blazer is a great duplicate at a fraction of the price.

The Veronica Beard blazer is $798 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes 0–14.

Lafayette 148 New York has a plus-size option (1X–3X) that's majorly discounted; it's available in “date” and “tile blue” for $759, marked down from $1,898.

Sales of note for 12.10

316 Comments

  1. I’m looking for a humidifier that doesn’t actually spray mist. I’m also weary of mold build up so want to make sure the reviews don’t show issues with that. Any recs? I’m not willing to spend Dyson money so that is out.

    1. Look at the wirecutter recommendations. I think your best bet is to just get something that doesn’t do warm mist and clean it regularly. You can control the amount of moisture released and set it to low if you don’t want it to be too mist-like. Mold will build up in anything that is not cleaned properly (rubber ducks and other bath toys included). But it is not an issue if you actually clean in between refills. We get lazy and clean ours like once a week and it’s still fine (abut it does build up when we get *too* lazy and let it go longer).

      1. Thanks. I need it to not spray anything because my entire room is made of wood and I don’t want the water sitting anywhere.

        1. So… the purpose of humidifiers is to mist water in the air, whether steamy or not. If you don’t want mist, can’t you just set out some pretty bowls of water?

          1. My mom just does bowls of water near her heating vents.

            +1 that the point of humidifiers is to mist but I do think the type of humidifier matters. I had one that was aesthetically pleasing but had a nozzle shape where the water came out that was not pointed straight up. The floor around where the nozzle pointed was damp in the mornings, so I replaced it with one that had a larger area from which it released mist and released it straight up and that has not left anything damp. The first one was also a cool mist humidifier while the new one is a warm mist humidifier, which I prefer.

          2. The purpose of humidifiers is to put moisture into the air, but they don’t all do it by spraying little droplets of water.

    2. Honeywell Coolmist Humidifier (HCM 350). It blows out humidified air rather than a spray of mist. It’s also super easy to clean, no spots for mold to hide. You do have to buy a wicking filter and replace that somewhat regularly. I’ve had it for years and been really happy with it.

      1. I have this one (wirecutter recommendation). Whether you call it humidified air or spray of mist, it’s definitely wetness unless you set it to the lowest setting (and I wouldn’t put it directly next to any wood even then); if you don’t clean it regularly between water changes it will get gross and moldy.

        I like it and it works great, but if OP has in mind something that magically humidifies the air without releasing any water and never needs to be cleaned between refills, I am not sure any humidifier will work for her and this one will disappoint. In that case I think your best bet is a water bowl on the radiator and some plants.

        1. Same. It definitely gets things near it damp. My daughter pointed it at a fabric chair and the chair was soaked the next morning. But this is how humidifiers work. There’s no magic mist free humidifier.

    3. I was influenced into buying a canopy humidifier for my bedroom, and the main thing I love about it is it isn’t spraying mist and I get a monthly filter to change out. It’s a little loud, which is fine for my purpose as I like a good white noise, and I have to refill it morning and night to run continuously, but I eliminated my mold and wet floor issues with it so am happy with it for that purpose. On the lookout for a quieter similar one for my office though so will be following this conversation.

      1. Thank you. I knew there had to be one that doesn’t spray, despite the comments above.

      1. This one is so tiny! You would need one in every room and/or refill multiple times a day?

        How do you use it?

    5. I bought a Levoit 6L and ran it almost every night for about a month and, with the vapor release set away from my bed, I did not have any issues with wetness anywhere. For security I placed it on a metal table with.a dishcloth beneath but that cloth never got damp. I also had no issues with buildup of any kind in that period despite not cleaning it at all for the first two weeks (I didn’t know!) and then more like weekly after that. I only used distilled water.

    6. Following with interest…

      I did a big search for what you are looking for a couple years ago, and gave up. I had the same misting concerns as you because our house if full of wood. In the end, I never found what I needed, so I’m curious if technology has changed. It is also hard if you live in a very dry winter climate to find one that carries enough volume of water to be useful if you have many rooms/a large space to humidify. Never mind the cleaning/mold issues.

      We have an amazing humidifier that is decades old (like…. 40…) and is so large it humidifies our entire small house with 1-2 fills per day. No mist. Uses a fan, so it is louder. It has a decent aesthetic design that is less obtrusive (who wants a big white plastic thing!) in the corner of our living room. It looks like a piece of wood furniture. It has some parts that have broken with age, but still basically works. I dread when the last tiny piece holding it together breaks completely, which will happen any day now. But my most hated task is cleaning it out though, as per instructions, and do not do it weekly (!!impossible) since it literally takes a couple hours. But by changing the filters frequently (every 4-6wks or so and cleaning then), using anti-bacterial/fungal/hard water solutions with every fill… it seems ok.

      So I think I’m going to scour Craig’s list when this one dies to look for similar old models. Or I would definitely pay Dyson money if there is a pricey one that does what my old one does. I think the new tech that claims using UV light or whatever prevents contamination are still over selling the efficacy. Still follow the cleaning/filter changing advice religiously regardless.

    8. related to this – anyone have any experience with installing a whole house humidifier? Having moved from hot water based radiator heat to forced air has been a major shift!

      1. My parents have this at their home. I asked my mom if she liked it and she said it was pretty worthless. In fact, she still uses humidifiers in some rooms .

      2. We have one as part of our HVAC. It doesn’t really work and we still need humidifiers in the bedrooms in winter.

    9. I have two Honeywell humidifiers for a 1500 sq ft condo. Fill them once a day. I clean them once or twice a season, and change the filter monthly. I have wood floors and some wood furniture. No issues that I can see have used them in the winters for years.

      When the conk out, I’m going to look at the Miro – no filter and you can wash it all. Needs more reviews.

  2. Elizabeth, I totally LOVE this Net-a-Porter blazer, and it’s really not all that expensive considering that I can wear it at least once a week, and mabye more considering weekends when I go out. Now that we are all back in the office full time, I will get at least 50 wears out of this at work before I have to replace it, so that is about $15 per wear, even not considering weekends, and that is a good buy, particularly if I can impress people both at work and after work. At my age (almost 41), I need to do all I can to get decent men to notice me as I am competeing against all of the newly graduated twenty-something women after work that will do stuff with men that I never did, especially with men that they have just met for the first time! FOOEY! Someone really should have clued these women in on HPV and other STD’s in college but obviously they didn’t.

    On another topic, I am watching the Today show and really Love what Savannah Guthrey has done with her hair and also Savannah’s dress. I think she must have been working out for a while b/c she also looks very Svelte, and she is way older then I am! I guess Dad is right that there is no excuse for me any more, even tho I am a busy NYC lawyer who must work while I am not able to exercise at the same time, while she can llisten to andget news while she is on the treadmill before she repeats it to us on the show. Does the HIVE see what I am saying?

  3. Can anyone recommend a female accountant in Northern Virginia? Especially one who won’t judge me for having some messy finances this year

    1. A good accountant should never judge a client –or, if they do, never let it show. One of my clients came back to me after a few years, even though I was out of state, because she said she never felt I judged her for how she spent her money.

      If you’re looking for someone in January, you’re already ahead of the game! I have found that things are usually not as messy as the client thinks they are. We can sift through the chaff and noise and focus on what *we* know we need.

  4. Question for cyclists: what are your favorite cycling shorts right now?

    I’m getting back in to cycling after a seven-year hiatus while having babies and adapting to that life change. My old short are showing their age! I’m looking for something with a nice chamois, lay-flat edges (no silicone grippers). Recommendations? TIA!

    1. No recs, but following with interest. We took up cycling for the first time last summer and I wore generic workout clothes all season long, but see now why people who ride a lot might prefer jerseys and something with a chamois. Do you have a favorite jersey or features you look for?

      1. Pearl Izumi are my faves but check your vanity at the door. I’m usually a M in mall brand pants and am a solid L in their shorts. (They do have light silicone, to the OP’s request, but if you just roll that tiny part up, they still stay in place.)

        1. You are not kidding about sizing up. I crossed from S to M in Athleta during the pandemic and in PI I’d start trying Ls and go up from there. My PI mediums are for my teen/tween children at this point.

    2. I like Pearl Izumi and Terry brands. Terry has some great designs. For jerseys, you have to look at the fit descriptions. Some major brands have a racing fit that is very slim. I go for regular fit.

    3. I love my Rapha cycling shorts, I buy their most basic line whenever they go on sale. They feel miles nicer than anything else I have. Next in line are probably my Pearl Izumi tights. I am also curious about Machines for Freedom, but haven’t bought anything yet because they are pricey.

      If you aren’t ready for a full-on jersey yet, a technical or mountain biking t-shirt would be a good next step. They are breathable and cut to keep you comfortable in a bike riding position (so longer in the back, shorter in the front).

    4. Craft fit me the best. I have the shorter version. The waist is v-shaped and comfortable. The elastic on the legs also does not dig in.

      1. Can you describe how each fits? I am a pear. 5-4, 130#, older so more squishy vs toned at this point. I just want something that fits but local stores are still contactless (so you can’t even try on things). I don’t know my bike gear size (suspect L, since I am generally a M) or where to start. Old stuff is a sausage casing on me, so not a helpful place to start.

        1. If you’re 5’4″ and 130, you’re a solid medium in just about all but Pearl Izumi PRO (still a medium in Elite or Select) and Castelli. Both of those run small enough that you might want to size up.

        2. Terry also runs small I think and it’s generally a tighter fit than your typical lululemon gear. i think on the waist especially it was very snug for me.

    6. I wear mostly Primal and Craft. Some Pearl Izumi. It’s as individual of a preference as shoes or bras and some brands (looking at you, Pearl Izumi!) are very inconsistent across their various products.
      In general, I’d stay away from Amazon/big box other than REI/Made-for-the-internet knockoffs.
      Primal, Craft, Pearl Izumi, Louis Garneau, Terry, REI and Castelli are all good brands to check out, but this is by no means an exhaustive list. Primal and REI are the lower price points, LG & Craft a bit more, PI and Terry a bit more than that and Castelli at the high end. You can find just about all of them at deep discounts if you look and wait for sales.
      I have been pleasantly surprised with REI’s quality for the price point.

    7. I like Pearl Izumi but I think this is one of those things that’s going to be so personal.

  6. Ladies,
    looking for recommendations for Greece. Best time of year? Looking at beginning of May or September. Best places to see? Places to avoid? BF and I are not partiers, we like to hike, swim, and prefer to steer away from heavy tourist areas.

    1. September! Water is much more comfortable than in May for swimming. Check out Santorini Dave (not limited to Santorini) or Matt Barrett’s s-tes to get ideas about what islands are the best fit. FWIW we found Athens to be very underrated – yes there can be tourist crowds some places, after all there is only one Acropolis, but if you stay a few days and enjoy the evening scene, it’s local, fun, and the food is fantastic.

      2. My experience from visiting Crete: in september everything will be dirtier and the landscape tends to be more dried out. May may have colder temps (water and air) but it will generally be cleaner and the flowers will be blooming.

    2. Crete is amazing! Nafplion is a beautiful city, less touristy. Are you interested in archeology?

      2. Yes to Crete. We spent a week there last summer, divided between Chania and a beach resort in Elounda. The palace of Knossos outside Heraklion was great, such amazing history. We did a walking tour that we booked the day of. Both locations were a bit touristy but NOTHING like Santorini or Athens, and the tourists were mostly European not all American.

        We did a day trip to Delphi from Athens and I wish we’d stayed up there longer. There’s a town nearby that looked so cute and is pretty sleepy during the summer, our guide said it’s more of a winter resort.

        We spent a few nights on Santorini in Oia, which is touristy, but there are other towns on the island that don’t have the same crowds. The Akrotiri architectural site was really great, like a mini indoor version of Pompeii.

      3. If you’re on Crete, Sfakia has a restaurant strip with a lot of choices, and a lovely mountaintop cocktail bar. There is good cave swimming and hiking nearby, and a yoga studio just outside the village. Ferries to other coastal towns are inexpensive. From there, you can take a ferry to Gavdos and visit Tripiti, the southernmost point in Europe. The swimming is amazing, and if you charter a boat be sure to visit Diana’s Beach.

        I enjoyed Athens for a couple of days. If you want to see the sights, a ticket on a hop-on-hop-off bus is a good way to do it. The Acropolis museum is excellent. I especially liked the transparent floor showing an archaeological dig.

    3. I went in September, and it was wonderful. I similarly like quiet vacations, and spent a few idyllic days on Serifos. Fabulous food, quiet and beautiful beaches, and some good hiking (although I was a bit constrained by how hot it was).

    4. I agree with everyone else. September. The water is still pretty cold in May and early June so it’s hot enough to want to swim but not super pleasant to do so. I loved Naxos. It’s the biggest Cycladic island so full of actual Greek people living and working unlike a lot of the tiny one which are just tourist islands, beautiful beaches, great mountain villages and really rural outside the main town. I rented a car and would recommend.

    5. i’d go September over May (even though we went in May but we had no choice) and we did Athens, Crete (Chania) and Santorini (Oia) in that order. Loved the trip. Even the non fancy food was so good.

    6. Definitely September. Weather is still very nice and tourist season has died down.

      Hard to narrow down for you where to go. Each place is what you make of it. My husband and I went to Santorini in early September a few years ago (stayed in Oia so not directly where the cruise ships stop) and despite people saying how crowded/touristy it can get, we had an amazing and lovely time exploring (different beaches – black beach, red beach, wine tasting, ancient ruins) and the views are better than postcard perfect. There’s a reason many people go there as the views are breathtaking.

      We also have been to Mykonos and despite its reputation as a “party” island, we stayed away from Paradise beach etc and enjoyed a more family friendly area and liked shopping/dining in the main town at a reasonable hour before all the partying got started.

      For what it’s worth, I’m Greek-American and visit Greece regularly and still haven’t found an island I don’t like. Each one has a unique vibe, so you just need to do your research on what you’re looking for. It also depends on whether you want to fly or take a ferry. Ferries can take a long time and sometime schedules are unpredictable due to weather or labor strikes, so we mostly only go to islands that are serviced by airports (most recently, we really loved Rhodes – Lindos was gorgeous and lots of history in the old town- and Crete).

      Mainland/Peloponnesus is beautiful too and less touristy than the islands can get. You can see Epidauros (ancient amphitheater) and Nafplion is a super cute town.

      I also think Athens is underrated and recommend at least a day or two in Athens and going to the museum and the Acropolis.

    7. If you like hiking, check out Meteora! One of the most unique and beautiful places I’ve been. I can’t speak to the crowds – I went in the off-season and February and it was almost completely empty.

  7. Did anyone see the news about the PFAS in period panties? Horrified. THINX was in the lawsuit – has anyone heard of any other companies?

    2. Eh. PFAS are everywhere. The Thinx products I have are so old that the likelihood of issues with them now is nil, and for anything prior, nothing I can do about it now. This is not something I have the energy to care about right now.

      2. The pandemic really increased my threshold for caring about health risks. My standard was “can kill me in a couple weeks after just breathing in the same room” for a long time so “increases risk of health problems over time” does not concern me.

        1. Same! I gave up red meat a long time ago for health reasons and the pandemic made me restart eating it, because something else is definitely going to kill me first.

      4. Yeah… it’s not that it’s not an issue, it’s just that this is a relatively trivial exposure to something that’s that everywhere. The data are clear that you’re much more exposed though food and water. It’s a problem, but this isn’t the particular part that I’d be horrified about. This isn’t a problem that can be solved through consumer choice, you need real regulations.

    3. Uhhhhh what? Yes I saw and it’s just a settlement and also I don’t care. I think this is nonsense and I’m mystified why you’d be so upset.

      1. I am the “Eh” anon above. It’s not that I think concerns about PFAS are woo, I do not. It’s that I do not care about them in my old Thinx.

        1. I can see that past personal exposure is a water under the bridge kind of thing!

          But I feel okay with companies that profited from increasing environmental and health risks getting sued (though I agree with another commenter that we need real regulations).

          And I do feel like it’s worth it to me to switch brands (for me floss was the big one).

          1. Totally fair! I wasn’t making any comment re: the company getting sued, as I read “horrified” in the OP’s post to mean horrified that the underwear had PFAS in them not that Thinx got sued.

            I agree with the poster below. Way more concerned about ingesting than skin contact.

      2. It’s not so much that PFAS aren’t a big deal, but I’m not super concerned about anything that I’m not consuming – eating, drinking, breathing them in. Having them against my skin/vag isn’t great, but the overall actual exposure from that isn’t huge, imo. Esp. relative to all the other PFAS options. If anything, I’m concerned about the additional PFAS in our water as a result of washing them.

      3. I am concerned about PFAS but this settlement is not going to do anything to keep them out of our environment and products. On the contrary, it makes environmental concerns look frivolous because the lawsuit was obviously just a way for the plaintiffs’ lawyers to make a ton of money without actually benefiting the affected consumers.

  8. Help me shop? Looking for a wool trench coat that I can wear to the office in the PNW winter and to client meetings in shoulder seasons in Boston/New York on top of a suit/blazer. I know they’re trendy but I really dislike double-breasted styles and the floppy oversized shapeless ones. Preference to one fitted at the waist, below butt length to knee length and not brown. Would love one that has some visual interest and is a jewel tone colour. Budget.. up to $3k, but would prefer under $2k if possible. I have a parka for when it’s actually cold. Size 8 most of the time, very rectangular body shape.

    1. Hm- is there a reason you still use the word “trench” when you don’t want double-br*asted or wrap styles? When I think of a classic wool winter coat, which is what it sounds like you’re describing, I think of the JCrew Lady Day type shape.

      FWIW, though, you don’t need a “dress coat” for East Coast work outfits. Everyone just wears sleek knee-length puffers.

      1. or did you use the word “wool” by mistake and really want a single-breasted trench-weight jacket?

      2. hmm I think because I want a knee length coat and I think of that as being a trench? I could just be using the wrong search terms though which would explain why I can’t find anything!

        Impetuous for this is that I’ve ended up in a role where I go to 4-6 black tie/formal events for work every year in the winter and I don’t have a coat to wear to them, plus I’ve occasionally got client meetings where I’d like to look put together and I find my puffer reads very sporty and looks silly on top of a suit or dress. I got through it this year but but am looking for a solution for next year.

        1. Yeah, I think the Lady Day coat is a classic example of this. Macys and Nordstrom probably also have versions of single-breasted, wool blend coats in a style similar to this. To be sure, they won’t be as warm as a puffer. I imagine if you look at higher end places (which I myself don’t know, as I don’t need nice wool coats anymore) they will probably have coats with a higher proportion of wool and will be warmer.

          I get what you’re saying. I don’t like double-breasted coats and jackets either (they make me look like a big block) and I think the currently popular style of “winter” coats that have no buttons and just close with a belt like a bathrobe are silly. How on earth does that keep you warm, and what if it’s windy?

        2. Oh, with this info I’d just go onto the Saks website, search for ‘coats’, filter by ‘wool’ and your size and you’ll have lots of options pop up. There are starting to be sales for winter coats now so if you can wait a bit longer you’ll also have end of winter sales with better prices (though fewer options). I’ve seen this in person and it is SO pretty if you’re ok with camel color/hair: https://www.brooksbrothers.com/camel-hair-car-coat/WW00214.html?dwvar_WW00214_Color=NTBG

        3. A knee-length coat is not necessarly a trench coat. A trench coat is a specific coat style. Think of the stereotypical spy costume.

        4. If you’re wearing a knee length dress or pants to the formal events, the coat you’re describing is fine. But it won’t work with a floor length gown. The traditional coat for that is a fur (faux or vintage please) jacket that is not longer than mid-thigh.

        5. I think you might want to buy a full length coat for the formal events…these are different needs. And for formal events, a cape is super elegant and fun…try etsy for a cape.

          1. The thing I wanted most as a child was a full length opera cape (ideally with a hood) in velvet. I was SO excited to get a hooded cape one year trimmed in faux fur to wear for Christmas. I felt VERY fancy.

          2. If you sew at all, you can easily make a cape. I made an unlined black wool flannel hooded cape for myself in my 20s and used it well into my 40s. (Sadly the moths got it. I know much more about moth control now)

    2. With that budget I’d go with Sentaler, Max Mara, or Mackage. Sizing is very important and at that price point I’d want it to be perfect – is there a Saks or Neiman Marcus/Nordstrom you can go to? Otherwise maybe live chat the online teams to have them suggest a size for you.

    3. What about the LL Bean Lambswool Polo coat? Solves the problem for this winter. Honestly, that and a 15 year old brown wool knee length coat from Burlington Coat Factory are what get the most wear for me in those situations.

    4. A trench coat is not made of wool. It’s made of cotton or nylon and is double-bre@sted with a belt and usually a lot of extra straps, flaps, and buttons. Do you mean a wool coat?

  9. Divorced rettes – how did you know divorce was the right choice? Looking for stories more than advice at this point as I wade through some complicated feelings. My spouse is fine but I’m just pretty sure I’m not in love anymore.

    2. I think getting divorced when you’ve fallen out, or think you have fallen out, of love looks very different from other divorce situations. I was cheated on. Not a “woops” I had s*x with someone else, rather a full blown relationship. When I found out, he moved out that night. The divorce was finalized 6 months later (just days before I gave birth to our only child). For me, there was no other choice. I think when you know, it hits you like a ton of bricks. But I can only base that on my story.

      1. It was like that for me too. We had been falling out of love for a while though – we were in therapy and had considered taking a break several times. Then I found out he had spent a large amount of our joint savings behind my back and all of a sudden I was just so done. Once the lies started to unravel there was so much more – he had cheated and lied about other things too. In hindsight I should have left a year earlier, but I believed in our vows and tried hard. I was sad, but there hasn’t been a single day that I have regretted leaving and am much happier now. I agree it’s harder when it’s just meh rather than a lightbulb moment.

    3. So here’s my story, and it may seem at first like I’m being really harsh – I don’t intend to, but I do think it might be helpful for you to hear a story from the other side.

      My husband left me after three years of marriage because he said he just wasn’t in love with me anymore. Even though I had sensed something was wrong for about 4-5 months, I was still taken completely by surprise. It was absolutely devastating for me emotionally, particularly because we hadn’t had any prior conversation about him being unhappy. He didn’t want to go to counseling, didn’t want to talk about it – he just wanted to get divorced. It was apparent that he was actually a bit irritated by how shocked I was and by the fact that I wanted to talk about what was driving his decision. He left that night and I only saw him three more times before our divorce was final. I had moved across the country and taken a $50,000 pay cut for my husband’s job and was living in a city where I had no friends and no community, so I was completely isolated.

      This may have been the right decision for him, but the impact of that decision on me was severe, and lasting. My self-esteem was crushed, I struggled to trust (in both romantic relationships and in other relationships), and I very seriously contemplated suicide, to the point of making a detailed plan and going to the location where I was going to do it, before realizing I couldn’t do that to my parents. I got therapy and I got better, but it wasn’t fast. It was years of my life.

      The reason I tell you this story is because part of deciding whether you will get divorced is deciding whether you can accept the potential impact of that on your partner. Perhaps your spouse is also unhappy and is in the same place, or perhaps your spouse is still deeply in love with you and will be devastated. Only you know that. But if you once loved this person, then please do think about that – and consider whether you should tell your spouse that you’re not sure about your relationship, even if you haven’t yet made a decision. Once of the worst things about the end of my marriage was the fact that I was so completely taken by surprise.

      1. This is so inappropriate. She isn’t responsible for his feelings about a divorce. You shouldn’t be using your situation as manipulation. Please get more therapy.

        1. Absolutely disagree. I hate the trend of selfishness and disregard for someone else’s feelings. Like it or not a marriage is a partnership and this poster makes excellent points. She’s not saying don’t do it, just don’t surprise him.

          1. +1 sometimes the level of selfishness advocated on here is wild. You don’t exist in a vacuum and other people should be considered when making huge decisions. That doesn’t mean you don’t do what’s best for you but this attitude of well if you’re not happy you should just do whatever you want whenever you want and without any consideration about how it may impact others is shocking to me.

            OP I agree with others that at some point when you are sorting out your feelings you need to involve your spouse. It would not be fair to do all this thinking and work on your own and then spring it on him as though he was fully up to speed. Also, involving him may help you both realize that moving on is best for both of you or that there are things you could change to make your marriage better.

          2. Agree with all of this. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to stay in an unhappy marriage but she should be considerate of her husband regardless of whether she chooses to stay in the marriage or get a divorce. She not obligated to go to therapy or work in the marriage if she is sure she wants out but there’s a way of doing it with compassion.

          3. +1. If you don’t give a sh!t about your soon-to-be former ex-spouse’s feelings, that doesn’t say great things about you as a person. Obviously not talking about abusive situations.

          4. I’m with you. I surprised my then-husband with announcing I wanted a divorce after 2.5 years. I’d been thinking about it for a long time but didn’t bring him into my thought process until I’d already made my mind up – it was one of the many unhealthy patterns in our relationship. The weeks and months after were great for me and devastating for him. Divorce was the right call and we’re both now in a better space, but I owed more courtesy to someone that I had, at one point, loved. He didn’t do any ‘wrong’ enough that he deserved to be blind-sighted. It’s been almost 20 years now and it remains one of the biggest regrets in my life – not the divorce itself, but my blase, “I’m doing this for me!” attitude about it.

          5. +1M it’s disturbing that anyone would think this is an appropriate way to end a marriage (absent abuse or something similar). I had a long term relationship end that way and almost destroyed. I can only imagine for a marriage.

          6. You don’t have to remain in a relationship with someone you don’t love just because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m hoping the person who posted from her point of view is advocating that OP should not just drop a bomb on her husband, not that she should never leave him.

            You get one life. Live it.

        2. i think you and I have different views on marriage. I think when you enter into a marriage you’re freely choosing to enter into a relationship of mutual obligation, where you do have a responsibility to seek the good of your spouse and to consider the impact of your actions on them. You can still decide to leave, but considering the impact on your spouse as part of that is appropriate. And I don’t think that responsibility ends just because you’re thinking about exiting (setting aside situations of abuse).

        3. This is worded unkindly, but I agree with the substance. Anon at 9:56, I’m very sorry you went through that. But it’s not fair to lay the blame for mental health issues (which includes thoughts of self-harm) at the feet of one person. It’s so much more complex than that. Yes, it’s hurtful when your spouse leaves you abruptly, but people are allowed to fall out of love and want a divorce. It doesn’t make it suck any less for the dumped spouse, but it doesn’t mean the other spouse is a terrible person and I don’t think someone should stay in a marriage just because they’re scared of how their spouse would react. In fact threatening self-harm if your partner leaves you is a form of emotional abuse, IMO.

          1. I don’t think anyone is advocating staying in a marriage, “just because they’re scared of how their spouse would react.” Ending a marriage doesn’t make someone a terrible person, but there are ways to end a marriage that are much less hurtful than what Anon at 9:56 described. There’s no excuse for that kind of behavior. I’m divorced (primarily his choice), and my former spouse is still a friend (I still consider him family). That’s not a realistic goal for everyone or most people, but the way we both handled the end of our marriage is what made it possible. He didn’t apolgize for needing to leave, but he did apologize for putting me in a very difficult situation and for not being able to live up to the vows we made. He didn’t act like leaving was nothing or that I didn’t have a right to be upset. He didn’t try to act like the marriage ending was my fault or that I had been a bad wife in order to ease his own guilt. When he told me about wanting a divorce, he also suggested going to counseling to figure out what our next steps should look like (without pretending that there was hope for us to stay married) and he did the legwork for find a counselor, etc. He offered to move out or to stay for the time being. He never acted like he was in a rush to start his new life.

          2. The poster did not say she “threatened” to commit suicide, she said she seriously contemplated it and, thank goodness, decided against it.
            And having gone from perfectly happy with no mental health concerns whatsoever to clinically depressed and needing medication for periods over the course of 4 years, after being completely and totally blindsided by a breakup with a fiance right after I had made a life-changing decision based on our relationship (we had months of discussion during which he said not one word about wanting to break up or that any decision I made would lead to a breakup and then after the phone call announcement of the breakup he forced me to wait weeks to get a single conversation about why he made his decision), I would argue that a person can, in fact, trigger depression with one significant and selfish act with disregard for another’s feelings. For me, it felt like a chemical “break” happened in an instant. And I still believe that if he had communicated better I would have very much handled breaking up without genuine disappointment but not melting down and I would have made a series of better decisions for my life.

        5. What? If the spouse is a selfish jerk, abusive, etc., then yes, you can just leave. But when you stand up and say “I do,” you are committing yourself to basic human decency – at a very bare minimum – towards that person.

        6. Honestly I have “not felt in love anymore” with my spouse at times over the years. I guess if we were just dating, we might have broken up? But when it’s family I feel there’s a different obligation to work through things, and since we’re married in my view we’re family now?

          I do get that there could be a lot more to the story. But I think I would feel hurt if I learned that my spouse was going all the way to considering divorce over potentially transient feelings. But maybe no one ever really does, and there’s always something more going on / something was off from the beginning / it’s not really fine after all.

          1. My marriage is at a lower point right now – lots of stress over health issues and work stuff, some disagreement about finances. We’ve been here before and we pushed through it and made it to the other side, every time. There are times where I definitely don’t feel like I am “in love” with my husband, even though I do (and always will) love him. But I have to think back to a few short months ago when we had this great weekend together and we were laughing and talking and I did still feel that strong pull. It ebbs and flows. I know for sure that for women my age the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side – I have seen women I know get divorced not over some major issue, but out of general unhappiness (or in one case, a stated need to “shake things up” and “get out of a rut”) and those women are not necessarily happier now. If you are over 40 and contemplating divorce over general dissatisfaction/wanting to feel a spark again, please speak to some divorced women over 40 about their dating experiences before pulling the trigger on a divorce. Most have some harrowing stories to tell about how difficult it is to find that “spark” with someone who is actually sane, not a player, and not after your money. Or you could read Nancy Jo Sales’ book “Nothing Personal” which covers the topic pretty well.

            After 2+ decades of marriage, I can say for sure that infatuation/limerance is not lasting, but real love is, and I am grateful to be with someone who is willing to ride out the ups and downs with me, even during periods where there are more downs than ups. Marriage is just like life: this too shall pass, and that’s true for both the times where we feel disconnected and detached from each other and the times where we feel really in-sync.

        7. I disagree. we should all take into account the impact of our actions on others- it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get divorced if that’s something she wants, but she can certainly be more courteous to her current DH in how she does it, as that pain seems a little gratuitous for those ppl who were totally blindsided.

        8. I don’t think she is being manipulative. She’s saying the OP should be thoughtful and considerate, kind where possible, even if pursuing a divorce.

          I don’t think you can tell whether she needs to get more therapy just based on what she wrote.

      2. My story is similar, though I did not get to a point of thinking about self-harm. (I’m so sorry you went through that.) My ex-husband refused to go to counseling with me until he had obviously made up his mind that he was done, and then he was outright annoyed with me for having any response other than “oh ok, cool” and acting like it was just a little oopsie between friends. He was so mean to me at times that I honestly wondered if he had made up some awful thing I had done to him to make me deserve that–even though he admitted I hadn’t done anything wrong. I think he just didn’t have the maturity to see the situation as it really was, in which he was bailing on his wife just because. I didn’t see myself ever having a relationship again because my sense of trust was so ruined. I did wait over 2 years to even go on a date again.

        I think OP is already doing more thinking by even asking about this, though, than my ex did. OP, in case you think these situations might be like yours, I’d just encourage you to go to counseling (or do workbooks or whatever) before the point when you’ve made up your mind. Don’t put him through that if there’s no chance it will help.

        If that point has already come and gone, just be as kind as possible, and own your actions. It doesn’t do anyone any good for you to stay in a marriage you don’t want, but if you’re leaving, you can do so responsibly and compassionately. (Disregard if he starts doing anything out of bounds, of course–then you just have to look out for yourself.) Good luck. As awful as it was to be dumped by my spouse, I have always known it’s hard to be on the other side of it too. Possibly even harder.

      3. I’m really sorry this happened to you and hope that you were able to build a great life.

        1. Thanks. I’m in a good place now – it took me a long time and a lot of therapy, but 12 years after my divorce, I’m remarried with a great kid and two great stepkids. I moved back to my hometown eventually and took a risk on a change of industry that ended up leading to a really interesting career. I wasn’t in a place to date for years, so I leaned into building friendships with other women, traveling, and hobbies, and had a ton of adventures and experiences in my 30s that I wouldn’t have had if I’d stayed married. There are things that I lost, for sure – like, I remarried and had my son so late that I’m not going to be able to have another biological child; I went through some very dark times I would rather not have experienced – but I have ended up happy. And I hope my ex-husband has as well. I have only seen him once since our divorce and he still seemed in a lot of emotional turmoil. By the time I saw him, I’d done a lot of healing, and so it didn’t please me to see him struggling…all I felt was sad.

      4. I think this is what happens when you bottle it up for a long time and don’t talk to your partner about it. You’ve been feeling this way for years before you finally get to a point where you’re beyond over it. You feel like you’re drowning and your spouse’s attempt to hold onto you just makes you lash out at them, you’re so desperate to leave that you don’t care that you’re hurting them. I think this is how conflict averse people end marriages. I’ve been on the receiving end of this with a BF and it’s so so painful, but holy heck am I glad I wasn’t married to him. This pattern is exactly why it’s so dangerous (emotionally) to partner with a conflict averse person.

      5. That is soul crushing. When my son broke up with his GF of seven years, we talked a lot about how he needed to balance absorbing her pain and listening to her without leading her on. He did what he could to not increase the hurt even though he broke it off abruptly.

    4. I was in your shoes in late 2019– told my hubs I wanted a divorce, he was blindsided, we did couples counseling, I still wanted to leave. I had a trip to Seattle scheduled to look for apartments. Then the pandemic happened. We stayed together for the worst of the pandemic because we didn’t have any better ideas and we still enjoyed spending time together, I just didn’t feel like I was “in love” anymore.

      In 2021 I started individual therapy and devoted a lot of energy towards my own anxiety. Eventually, through lots and lots of work on myself, I realized I didn’t actually want to leave. I’m still married and am much more content in my marriage than I was in 2019.

      I know you didn’t ask for advice, but the two things I wish I had done sooner were– get your unhappiness out in the open, and get individual therapy.

      1. I’m the commenter at 9:56 AM, and I think this is great advice – not because of the outcome, but because individual therapy will help the OP be in a better place regardless of the outcome. Many, many years after my marriage ended, I saw my ex-husband again and he was still in a very difficult place as a person – I think he thought getting divorced would solve his problems, but his unhappiness in our marriage was a symptom, not a cause.

        1. Divorce can be like moving – “wherever you go, there YOU are.” I think sometimes people think that a job move, a physical move (like to a new house, or a new city), or a divorce (or marriage – or new baby) will be the change they need to feel better about their lives. But, end of the day – wherever you go, there you are, and if you have problems or issues or things you haven’t worked on, you’ll just carry them into the new situation.

    5. How long have you been married? I don’t feel like I know many couples who are “in love” after about year three and I don’t think of marriage as being a permanent state of being in love. Did you expect to stay in that place for a lifetime?

      1. Oh this is a sad take, I’m absolutely still in love with my husband many years later. Does it look giddy like in the first few months, of course not, but real love remains and grows.

        1. I also think it’s a sad take. Very much not true for me, even though we of course have times when things feel a little more disconnected (usually because of life circumstances).

      2. I think it depends on what someone means by “in love”. My first reaction was the same as Anonymous at 10:41. Being “in love” is transient if by that you are talking about that giddy excited buzzy feeling. It is hard to maintain that with a house and two kids and a dog and two full-time jobs and parents with health issues and our own health issues, etc., etc.

        And I say that as someone who loves my husband very much and am very happy in my marriage. I cannot imagine anyone I would rather share my life with. I cannot imagine trusting someone more or feeling more supported. He is my first call when something good or bad happens and I am his. But I have reached the point where I chose to love him. And there are definitely days where it is work. It is just work that is worth it.

        1. OP for this comment – This is what I mean. In good marriages, loving your spouse remains, in large part because of commitment and mutual interest and a desire to be a team and hopefully deep friendship, and yes, by all means, by choice, but being “in love” seems transient and may just fade or may just ebb and flow over time. I think it is a breach of the vows and the legal contract and the social contract to leave because of the ebb and flow part.

      3. I’ve been married for 23 years (posted below.) I’m in love with my husband. Does he piss me off sometimes? Absolutely. But I’m generally head over heels about him, I know he feels the same way about me, and we just feel so lucky to have randomly found each other.

        I was married before and so was he. We both know what it’s like to be with someone you’re just ok with. Trending toward very not ok in both cases.

    6. I’m not divorced so grain of salt, but I am longtime married and have debated at various points whether I still want to be. I second the push for individual therapy, especially because it doesn’t seem like there’s a clear root cause of how you’re feeling- at the very least you deserve clarity on what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way. In my case it really had little to do with my husband and more other things I was going through that he didn’t always handle as I would have liked. Ours is actually a really happy ending and that doesn’t mean yours need to be. But I do think you should get comfortable with the nuances of how you feel and why before you decide anything. And I would also go to couple’s counseling too.

      1. I was going to write something similar – I have been married for 26 years, and there have definitely been times where I wasn’t in love with my husband, even though I loved him. See a therapist, figure out what is going on before you make any decisions.

    7. I went to therapy when I felt the way you did and asked the therapist how you knew when it was time and she said most people wait so long it’s extremely obvious, but that means wasted years being miserable waiting for some sort of sign.

      I don’t truly believe amicable divorce exists but we were as peaceful as we could be about it. We cooperated on the settlement agreement (I did all the legwork like everything else in the marriage) and he just signed it, but I worked with a mediator to make it as fair as possible.

      In the end, when he moved out, I left for the day and trusted him to be fair. I came home to a completely empty house. It was his final f you, and he has never spoken to me again. And you know what? Worth it.

      I met my now second husband about a year later and we just celebrated our 23rd anniversary.

    8. I said it upthread, but I’ll repeat that individual therapy should absolutely be your next step. Also talk to your spouse about your unhappiness.

      For me, I knew I had to leave (both times) when I was positive I had done every single thing in my power to make the marriage work, and my husband wasn’t capable of being the person I needed him to be. (First husband had crippling anxiety and depression and refused to get it treated, second was a malignant narcissist.)

    9. The level of selfishness on this board is atrocious. The OP needs to go back and read her wedding vows. I don’t remember “till death do us part or I’m not feeling it this month.”

    10. Keep in mind that if you get divorced, you might be alone for a very long time, and how does that fit in with your family plans. My first marriage ended in divorce due to infidelity, and I then spent 8 years single before recently remarrying. It was a hard journey. Dating was such a disaster on the apps, which was new to me (my ex husband and I met and married after grad school, no apps involved). I want to have kids but will be a geriatric mother which brings concerns I wouldn’t have faced had I stayed with my first husband.

      1. This. An attractive woman in my family survived in her early 50s (infidelity on his part) and never found anyone else. In fact, she went on maybe three dates in ten years. This surprised her, because she never had trouble getting dates when she was in her 20s and 30s. Turns out all the men her age either have issues (there’s a reason they are not married), or are chasing women ten or fifteen years younger than themselves.

        Now this doesn’t mean to stay in a miserable marriage! If you’re happier single, split and build a great life for yourself. Just don’t expect to find someone.

    11. This is a very late reply, but hopefully you will still see it. Divorce was something I thought about for nearly a decade. We went to couples therapy until the therapist agreed that we had gotten as far as we were going to get without significant attitude changes. I went to individual therapy. I struggled with “abandoning” my vows. I stayed when I was too scared to give up the trappings of our life together. We spent less than an hour together in any given day. We didn’t garden for years. I told him I wanted a divorce when I realized that I would leave all of the material advantages of our life together happily. Two years later our divorce is still not finalized, but he has done absolutely nothing to make me question my decision. I am happier and more at peace than I could have imagined possible. I haven’t dated and don’t know if I will, but this is enough.

    12. My response is really late, I’ve been thinking about your post for awhile today. A shortened version of my story is, like several other posters, I was blindsided by my husband wanting to break up. It was completely out of nowhere, and as we had moved for his job, I was in a place with no family, friends, and a mediocre job. I was just devastated beyond belief. Fast forward six or so months, and he comes back because he owes it to himself to see if the marriage could work.

      Fast forward a few years, and the marriage is OK. No fights, or adultery (that I knew of), or real disputes. My husband does it again – he’s not happy, he loves me but isn’t in love with me. I’m older and wiser by then, and I know with 100% certainty that I’m done. I tell him if he leaves, he can never come back and I never speak to him again except for a few divorce logistics. So, I knew 110% that divorce was the right choice for me that time.

      My ex-husband attempted to reconcile several times, but I was gone. He’s since been divorced a few times, and my takeaway is that neither our divorce or marriage fixed whatever he was looking for, and I really wish he’d spoken with a therapist or counselor to better understand how to resolve his unhappiness before wreaking havoc. I don’t think our marriage would have lasted, but I learned a hard lesson about how I want to treat people, even when I’m leaving.

  10. Thoughts on the AAM letter this morning about the person not wanting to wear a bra? I get it, I find bras uncomfortable but if your supervisor is noticing and telling you to wear one, I think you have to find a solution.

    1. I’d agree. I’m confused by the letter writer’s assertation that she asked her two male coworkers if they were told to wear bras – what was that supposed to accomplish? Even if it’s fundamentally sexist, it’s not hard to guess what the answer was.

      I had a job with a dress code once that said “undergarments must be worn and not visible while on duty,” and I also distinctly remember a teacher in my HS who did not wear a bra and this would get whispered about.

    2. I get the impression that LW is telling this story as thought it exists in a vacuum when that is not the case. Seems likely there are more problems in that office than simply discussions about a lack of undergarments, but this issue has become a proxy for the larger situation.

    3. Agree. If it’s noticeable enough that someone is pulling you aside more than once to have that VERY awkward conversation, clearly something isn’t working. There are enough comfortable soft cup solutions these days that surely she can find something that works.

    4. I think the person who wrote in is the type of person who calculates a split bill down to Pennies. If you don’t want to wear a bra and you’re not bizarrely obsessed with being right to the point you’re willing to risk a job, you figure it out. You wear supportive tank tops. You embrace Draper sweaters instead of blouses. You adopt a style of swishing a fabulous shawl or silk scarf around yourself daily.

      1. I got a horrid sunburn once where I could now wear anything but a strapless bra for days while it healed, back when blouse + suit was the norm for workwear. Well, that suit jacket stays on. That blouse becomes solid black, day after day. You wear a tank underneath with all of the aloe smeared on it. But it was never visibly obvious what was going on so it wasn’t a problem. I think that this person, if real, must be a real pot-stirrer, and not just about this.

    5. I am frequently amazed that much of the AAM commentariat is employed based on some of the remarks there. The idea that many jobs have a professional/required dress code and the idea that making small talk with your coworkers is beneficial is SHOCKING apparently.

        1. Yes — I used to read it at lunch and it was just so many wrong people in an echo chamber. I had to stop — even the hate-reading wasn’t enjoyable. It was all so toxic.

          1. I got to that point, too. Genuinely, the commentariat seem like very unhappy people. And incredibly self-centered in many ways.

        1. Aaaand a commenter on AAM just compared fighting for the right not to wear a bra to work to the fight for desegregated buses.

    7. I would have complete sympathy for her if she had a medical issue (I couldn’t wear underwire after I had a biopsy and lumpectomy); if she had found a comfortable solution that her employer nixed (sports bra, those comfy yoga bras, soft cups); if he had a mastectomy and did not need one; or if she were very, very small chested and doesn’t need to wear a bra (I know some 32AA women and they sometimes don’t bother). But, lady, it’s a social expectation that women with mature chests wear bras, so, decide what you’re really getting out of this and decide if it’s the hill you want to die on.

      I also find her “men don’t wear bras” routine to be tiresome. Men (biological) don’t get pregnant, and we would all say it’s discriminatory against women to not give maternity leave because “men don’t get maternity leave.” (This is not a paternity leave debate!) Imagine a woman who says that men don’t have to use tampons or pads, so it’s discriminatory to require it of her, or a man who says that since men don’t get extra bathroom breaks (eg in an assembly line), women shouldn’t either, menstruation be damned. Our bodies are different; our minds work equally well.

      1. We don’t have maternity leave where I work. It’s parental leave so as to not be discriminatory. Women who give birth get disability, men and non-birthing women do not, for obvious reasons. I thought that was common but maybe not.

        1. You have maternity leave. I am asking you to consider a world in which “equality” means that no one gets any leave after the birth of a child. “Men don’t get short term disability after their kid is born so women shouldn’t either!” We would rightly see that as discriminatory, because the parties are not similarly situated (one gave birth, one did not).

          1. No, it is very deliberately not called maternity leave. Both men and women can take equal amounts of parental leave. Short-term disability is medical recovery time and requires a doctor’s note. Men not getting disability would be because they don’t medically qualify, so no chance of claiming discrimination.

          2. You are being deliberately obtuse. When women have a baby, they get leave. That protection did not exist for a lot of history. You have maternity leave, full stop. The label slapped on it goes lot change the fact that women who have kids have protected leave.

          3. I think we are talking past each other. I was trying to point out where I am, women actually don’t get maternity leave and it’s due to an attempt to not discriminate, rather than to be discriminatory. “Men don’t get maternity leave” is an actual concern to some. The effect is the same, new moms still get leave that you could colloquially call maternity leave. There is a lot of pearl clutching over the wording used.

        1. We see that a bit with beach wear: women wear tops (at least int eg US), and men usually wear looser bottoms. Of course, athletic swim wear is more streamlined for all, which is why I’m specifying “beach wear” here.

      3. Agreed – the comparing herself to male coworkers thing really struck me as off-key. I
        Once a manager brings up an issue, it really becomes the employee’s obligation to try to find a fix that works and that the employee can live with. Any of the options in the first paragraph here would have put me firmly on employee’s side, but not trying anything just seems like they want to fight a losing battle with their company/manager.

      4. Men shouldn’t flaunt their private parts at work either. And if they have manners they wear undershirts.

    8. I frequently don’t wear bras in my personal life (when wearing multiple layers or a single but sturdy layer; if I’m wearing a blouse like the OP describes then I am definitely wearing a bra) but I would never, ever go to the office without one! I sometimes wear a bra and often wear a well padded bralette; there are so many bra alternatives that still provide support and coverage. I think the LW is being ridiculous.

      1. +1. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna wear a bra around the house but I’d be incredibly self-conscious without one at work.

        1. Same – another reason that HS teacher sticks in my mind. How do you do that comfortably around hordes of teenagers, some of them boys?!

        2. I cannot stand a bra in the house but had to start putting one on early in the am because my son’s pre-teen and teen friends were around all the time.

    9. I have pretty much given up bras in my personal time, even when it is noticeable. But I would never go to work or an event with business associates without a bra or a supportive and covering garment. Now, if I happen to run into you at Target on the weekend, all bets are off.

    10. That LW would’ve been better served by asking for undershirts to be required for everyone. I don’t think women should have to wear bras but I do think excessive movement is distracting and can be limited with a cami. And also visible areol@s are distracting no matter the gender – NOT I’m cold headlights, sorry but even my best bra is no match for super cold offices and I’m not going to be preoccupied with making sure my cardigan is adequately covering everything, turn the d@mn heat on/AC down. And also men shouldn’t expose their chest hair at work, so gross.

  11. At what level of seniority do employment contracts become common? I’m currently in a director level job interviewing for VP level jobs and wondering if I should expect a contract. I am in the US.

    2. I work in HR and find I am not seeing them as much as I used to. Now, I only see them for very high levels, like C-Suite levels.

    3. Am I not understanding what an employment contract is? I’m a VP now, but I had one at my previous jobs, too, all the way back to when I was still an individual contributor. I’m surprised that people don’t routinely have one. (Also in the US)

      1. like, a contract where it enumerates specific reasons you can and can’t be terminated? a severance negotiation? Particular perks? The kind of thing where you see a CEO ousted and the news reports on the $$$ payout they got?

        We’re not talking about typical written offers (or non-competes), as opposed to an actual contract.

      2. No you probably don’t know what they are. They’re highly uncommon in the US outside the c-suite and are much like prenups.

  12. After a toxic relationship last year, I had a date last week with a guy who feels very stable, safe and reassuring. I am not used to the slow burn but I think that there’s definitely a spark, though not love at first sight

    Any similar stories? I definitely have a small crush but don’t want to jump his bones right away.

    1. I am currently in a relationship that started with a slow burn. A very slow burn, in fact, I think on both sides, but it is hot as Hades now. I think if there is a spark there can be fire.
      Our story is that we met in person, had a great conversation, and exchanged numbers. He reached out about a month later and we just texted now and then. We didn’t have a first date until about four months after we met and then that date was pretty platonic. We met up briefly another time and then life kept us apart for several months. But on that next date there was physical contact and real chemistry and it’s been fire ever since.

  13. Has anyone tried Naltrexone, and specifically the Sinclair Method, to cut back on drinking? I don’t drink every day, and don’t drink much at home, but over the last 6 months i have found it nearly impossible to stop after a reasonable number of drinks in fun social situations, and this tendency has become a real problem. I really want to be that person who says “no thanks” after the second drink on a weeknight, but willpower isn’t cutting it. My doc has suggested Naltrexone and I would love to hear if anyone with a similar pattern has had success with it.

    1. I don’t have any experience with Naltrexone just commiseration. Alcohol in a social setting, especially if I’m more stressed than ususal is a recipe for disaster. I was diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago and realized that’s where a lot of my impulsivity manifests itself, i.e I totally know that next drink it’s bad for me but the instant-gratification combined with perceived peer pressure gets the best of me. Keeping myself accountable by having a drink limit/set time to got home helps sometimes. Getting my ADHD treated has helped a lot but also mindfullness meditation before I go out helps me stay grounded.

    2. Can you go to an event with friends and just have your diet Coke, club soda or whatnot? I’m three years or so sober and it’s no biggie for me now, but I did avoid those sort of outings when I was first getting my bearings. You may want to consider that if it’s a trigger. No need to make things harder than they already are.
      I can’t speak to naltrexone, but r/stopdrinking was an awesome resource for me.

    3. I’ve been on Wellbutrin and LDN (not actually in the form of Contrave, but separately for separate indications!).

      I wasn’t trying to cut back, but I absolutely noticed that alcohol has no additional appeal to me compared to other beverages on Wellbutrin. It might as well be water! So I did find myself drinking a lot less at social occasions just for that reason.

      Alcohol still has a normal level appeal to me on LDN (including being tempted by drink #3), but I assume on full dose it would make me feel sick somehow.

      So I guess just based on my experience I would prefer Wellbutrin if I had to choose. I also wonder a bit whether the doctor is thinking that you’re drinking more or more often than you let on (I’ve heard that’s often an assumption) and whether that’s factoring into the recommendation of naltrexone.

    4. I have experience with patients doing this. First of all, I think it’s a good sign about your doctor that he suggested this. Even if it’s not the right treatment course in the end, it means he’s competent on this issue and not jumping to premature conclusions.

      IME, the people who benefit from Naltrexone, specifically if the target is drinking, are ones who are highly motivated to take the meds consistently, and whose disorders are mild. As a supportive internet rando, I think it would be reasonable for you to try it. If you don’t see any progress, IMO, that means it’s a more serious issue requiring a more aggressive approach if you really want to regain control of your drinking at all times.

    6. I was prescribed Naltrexone off-label for appetite control and although it hasn’t been a magic bullet for that, it has definitely turned me into a bigger-than-average drinker into that person who says “no thanks” after or even before the FIRST drink. So I encourage you to give it a try.

    7. Not what you asked but I stopped drinking on school nights and it was a hugely positive change for me. I still go out during the week but get a mock tail or a soda or whatever. I still drink on the weekends but not drinking during the week forced me to practice turning down drinks on the weekends. So now when I’m out on a Saturday it is so much easier for me to say no thanks to the third drink.

      Also I realized that having one drink is just not enjoyable to me. It’s not enough for me to enjoy a buzz and it screws up my sleep and is a bunch of extra calories. Just not worth it.

  14. I’m planning a girls trip to Vail in June. Looking for lodging, dining or activity recommendations! Thanks!

    1. Vail in June is gorgeous! You may want to check to be sure that the lifts and top of the mountain are open, they do shut for a time for repairs and don’t open back again till mid/end June. I prefer to stay in the village proper as parking is a nightmare. When we went as a family in the summer we rented a condo closer to the Betty Ford Gardens which was great – we have space for dinners in but it wasn’t too far from the village to get dinner/hit a spa/etc. There are AWESOME local spas and the Four Seasons one is also fantastic.

    2. So fun!! I definitely recommend renting bikes. There are some great trails ranging rom hardcore mountain biking to lowkey nature paths. Same for hiking — there are amazing trails at all levels of difficulty, and it’s a lovely gondola ride up. If you want to get out of the super fancy Vail bubble, I recommend checking out the Minturn Saloon.
      The Tivoli lodge is my favorite hotel there.

    3. We haven’t been to Vail in the summer but the last time we went skiing (pre-pandemic in 2019) we had a fabulous stay at the Arrabelle and had really good meals at Mountain Standard (upscale American food) and Almresi (Bavarian and very memorable).

  15. Hi hive! I’m in a busy season of life and trying to juggle a lot of priorities and obligations. I realized this weekend that I struggle to carve out appropriate downtime, since there’s always something I “should” be doing. My weekdays are very busy and scheduled out to a tee, so I know I need time to relax on the weekends. However, I also use my weekends to get in a long workout, do a chunk of school work, do my housework and meal prep, and visit with my extended family. I know downtime is important to avoid burnout, but I find I either feel guilty that I’m not being productive or I’m too tired to do activities that relax me and end up vegging on my couch.

    1. I am the same way and I had to give myself “permission” to do my hobby on the weekends so I could relax. My hobby happens to be reading, but I always felt I should be doing something else. Now, I tell myself I am enjoying my hobby, not wasting time where I should be getting something done, and it is okay to do that. I usually take some time late afternoon on Sunday to do this. It has helped a lot.

    2. Relaxation is NOT time wasted. Rest is what you need so you can keep showing up for your other priorities and obligations.

    3. I had to shift my mindset on what productive meant. Now, productive includes the rest and downtime that my body needs to function properly and be healthy. It gets priority time just like everything else that’s important to me.

    5. Yesterday, I realized I had neglected to plug my phone in, and now I needed it as I was out and about and it probably only had 10% charge left. It was going to turn into a useless brick pretty soon, just when I needed it. I was reflecting that we don’t mess around with our phones; we know that if we don’t charge them, they are useless to us. End of story, no way around it. So we do what it takes to find an electrical outlet and plug them in—even if we’re in our cars or at an airport. Yet we somehow think our bodies, minds, souls, and emotions can somehow run on 5%, indefinitely, and don’t do the same kind of intentional searching to find a way to plug them in and recharge them. We pay more attention to the needs of our phone batteries than to our own souls.

  16. Are the sleeves the right length on the model? They look too short to me but I’m tall and my perception of fit may be off.

    1. Too short. I have gorilla arms and if the jacket fits everywhere else, it should also fit in the sleeve length. These aren’t billed as bracelet sleeves (and they are too long for that). I get that they’d be less likely to drag through your lunch or whatever, but they look a bit short.

      1. I feel like proper bracelet length is more like midway b/w the elbow and wrist. Like so you can show off your bracelets? I feel like this doesn’t quite work. My mom used to sew her own suits (wool, with a lining), so I grew up in a house where there were strong opinions on clothing.

    3. I think they’re intentionally bracelet length, and would look too long on my short-limbed self.

    4. They’re regular length for those of us who aren’t models. I have this blazer and the sleeves aren’t bracelet or short or whatever.

    5. I think the whole thing looks too short on her. As a tall, this is something I run into a lot. For an average height woman, both the sleeves and overall length, this could be a normal length.

      (just like when I say “this skirt is too short!” and everyone chimes in that it wouldn’t be short on them.)

    5. Yoga with Adrienne or DownDog App. DownDog is pretty much the only app I actually pay for.

    6. Adriene is the yoga queen of YouTube because her classes are very very good. I also like Yoga By Candace on YouTube a lot.

      If you have the Peloton app already, their classes are excellent.

      1. I’d caution the OP against starting with Peloton yoga – I find they are not right for beginners and don’t pay enough attention to form at all. Or it’s possible I’ve been unlucky with them!

        OP, Yoga with Adrienne is the queen of online yoga for good reason. She won’t steer you wrong.

    7. I’ve been a longtime Yoga Glo (now Glo) subscriber and they have a huge variety of beginner classes. I especially liked the Jason Crandell ones.

    8. * Lesley Fightmaster (yes, she married someone who’s last name was Fightmaster)
      * Yoga with Kassandra
      * Sarabeth Yoga

  18. Would love a book recommendation!

    What is the best thing you have read in the last 10 years, that I can get in an airport?

    After a rough 10 years, I am finally taking a little break, and will get on a plane tomorrow. I have done minimal pleasure reading except NYT/blogs for these years. Probably the only pleasure reading I have done is one of Ruth Reichl’s memoires (Save me the Plums?), Atul Gawande’s books, and Into Thin Air.

    Fiction or non-fiction. Women authors preferred if fiction. No fantasy/science fiction. Weighty or lighter subjects are fine, just don’t make me feel like I’ve gone back to school….

    I think I’d like to buy a couple.

    Thanks!!

    1. Oh there are good airport books at the moment, Demon Copperfield is very good. Kate Atkinson’s Shrines of Gaiety. The Marriage Portrait.

        1. Hamnet by the same author is another wonderful book. And The Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks (mentioned below ) if you want to stick with the plague theme.

          1. I’ll only note that Hamnet was SO good, but also so hard to read. (It’s about child loss.)

    2. I bought The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo at the airport on Senior Attorney’s recommendation and have no regrets. it’s probably not number one in the past decade (honestly can’t remember what was), but it was sufficiently excellent.

      1. I think anything by Taylor Jenkins Reid is a perfect airplane reading choose!

    3. One of my favorite books from the last few years was A Gentleman in Moscow, but not a female author. Will check my reading list and see if I can come up with others.

    4. I finished The Light Pirate this weekend and thought it was amazing. Fair warning it did make me cry, but only at the very end.

    5. Laura Hillenbrand’s books (Unbroken, Seabiscuit) are good and possibly can still be found in airports, though they’ve both been out more than a decade at this point.

    6. Thanks for all the recs. Keep them coming! I am writing them all down, and going to the airport to check in a little early just so I have time to look for them when I arrive.

      Thanks again!

      1. I am of the belief that plane reading should be the most fun, escapist read you have. With that in mind:

        The Idea of You – hot, recent romance, would help a flight fly by pun intended
        Anything by Emily Henry – her most recent is BOOK LOVERS but both BEACH READ and People We Meet on Vacation should be displayed at airport bookstores and are all so enjoyable.
        Mexican Gothic if you want something dark and gripping and fun
        The Wreckage of my Presence – Casey Wilson’s collection of essays is brilliant and I laughed and cried many times over
        Red, White and Royal Blue – if you have not read this yet what are you waiting for. Romance, slightly political but set in an alternate universe, slightly royal too. Super fun. A few years old but so good.
        If you like a thriller, Verity by Colleen Hoover is everywhere right now and was enjoyable for what it was (not my usual style and I don’t plan on reading more of her work, but it will be displayed on bookstores in airports and helps the time go by for sure!)

    7. I was flying through O’Hare this weekend and heard a clerk at the airport store telling a customer than Prince Harry’s Spare was sold out everywhere in that terminal. Maybe you’ll have better luck at your airport!

      Some of my favorites fun reads from the last decade are Gone Girl by Flynn and Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng.

        1. Same, having read it waiting for a plane and on the plane. It is actually a pretty good read.

      2. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am actually interested in reading Spare after some of the recent reviews, particularly from The Atlantic. Apparently the ghostwriter is amazing.

    8. Where the Crawdads Sing will definitely be in the airport and it’s in my top 5 best things I’ve read in the last 10 years.

      I devoured Taylor Jenkins Reid books over Christmas. I love her last four and how they have easter eggs (minor references to the other books) in them. I highly recommend reading them in this order – you don’t have to, but it’s fun how she builds the universe her characters are living in and how they tangentially overlap:
      THE SEVEN HUSBANDS OF EVELYN HUGO
      DAISY JONES & THE SIX
      MALIBU RISING
      CARRIE SOTO IS BACK

    9. Fiction –

      Anything by Tana French – American-Irish author who writes mysteries that lean more literary and they are SO GOOD. Wish I could go back and read them all for the first time.

      Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller – If you have any interest in Greek mythology, this is a must-read. Circe is also good, but I preferred Song of Achilles

      Non-Fiction

      The Last Cowboys – John Branch – If you enjoyed Into Thin Air, I think you’ll love this. It’s about a family of professional bronc riders in Utah. I live in NY and have never considered going to a rodeo in my life but was looking up bronc riding videos on YouTube after reading this. Branch builds such a rich atmosphere, it’s absolutely a world you can get lost in.

      Trick Mirror – Jia Tolentino – cultural criticism, absolutely adore her writing.

      How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell – really great, thought provoking read which will help you appreciate the natural world more and stop spending so much time on your phone (temporarily, at least)

  19. cross posting from moms site – what do you all have in your homes in terms of safety gear? i.e. fire extinguishers on each floor, ladders for second floor egress, etc. anything I’m not thinking of? We have a larger two story house and four young kids and I want to make sure I’m setting up everything for safety. TIA!

    1. We have an earthquake/go bag that’s due for a refresh, fire extinguishers, newly refreshed smoke and carbon monoxide alarms, removable bars on one tempting window, and no ladder — we should get one!

      1. We have smoke detectors throughout, fire extinguishers, carbon monoxide detector. We also have a generator because of some medical needs for a disabled family member, and it has been nice I have to admit, but not necessary for most people. We keep flash lights on every floor. Then we have a ton of stuff for safety with aging (shower bench, grab bars, voice activated lights/devices, voice activated call for help devices, few rugs and secured rug edges). For the disabled family member, I kept a bag packed with essential stuff if I needed to bring them to the ER/like to be admitted to the hospital.

        And while I keep meaning to set up the do-it-yourself security system, I have the sign in the window that we have a security system (!) because I heard from a cop in my town that the houses with security system signs on them don’t get broken into here. That totally surprised me as I thought robbers would target those houses since they were “advertising” that they contained things expensive enough to protect with a system! The cop said that in our town, every house was relatively worth breaking into for the average intruder, and they often hit multiple houses in one night, so they tended to avoid the houses with security.

        1. I love having backup power (also necessary for disability-related equipment). I have solar + battery, so it’s clean, takes over seamlessly if the grid goes down, and no need to stock fuel. It’s fantastic to be able to stock up on perishables if there’s a storm coming and I’m both concerned about getting to the store and that the power from the grid may go out.

      2. I have a rope ladder that we have never used, but I’m comfortable knowing it’s there. However, every time my kids come across it in the hall closet (still in the original box that says “emergency escape ladder”) they’re like “what’s this? what’s it for?” despite me going over it with them many, many times. They’re 20 and 21 now, in case you had any questions about Gen Z.

    3. We have an emergency ladder for my child’s second floor window (kept in a closet but easy to pull out). We’re in earthquake country but I really need to do a refresh of our supplies. I have a hand cranked radio, first aid supplies, cash and a Red Cross backpack with basic supplies. I need to store water again – I threw out the old water storage when we moved. Also fire extinguishers on each floor.

    4. Fire extinguishers, smoke detectors in the kitchen and all the bedrooms (and carbon monoxide detectors in I think 3 of those? As they need replaced, we’ve been swapping them out with Nests that have both), and our emergency kit has plenty of flashlights/lantern, extra batteries, water purifiers, first aid kit, and a crank radio. Probably need to get a ladder–growing up my parents had a rope ladder that could hook onto a window frame and stayed under the bed. Aside from fire, our biggest threat is tornados and we get occasional power outages from hurricanes and/or ice storms. Don’t live in an earthquake-prone area.

    5. Oh, and this is not “safety gear,” but I clean out our dryer vent yearly. Dryer fires from accumulated lint are not that uncommon.

    6. in addition to what others said, a bag with important documents ready to grab at a moment’s notice, and a plan of communicating and meetup location if we get separated or something happens while we are not all home. Texting is assumed to be more reliable than calling in a large-scale disaster. Everyone is to text the same out-of-state relative to relay info.

      1. In addition to what everyone else said:
        * I keep a list of items to collect and bring with us if we need to evacuate under “evacuation” on my phone contacts. It is organized by priority so that if I have to stop mid-list, there is nothing I have not yet collected that is more important than what I already have collected. Top five items are medicine, eyeglasses, documents, keys to safe deposit box/storage, cash/passports. Since March 2020, top five items also includes masks and alcohol wipes.
        * In the house, we keep an isolation box in the spare bedroom/bathroom (masks, wipes, tests, large kitchen garbage bags, thermometer, Paxlovid) and in the kitchen plastic plates/cups/utensils for delivering meals to the person stuck there until they test out.

      2. Oh yeah, I need to review who that relative is lol. I think our meet up place is the library, and our person is my mom.

    7. Carbon monoxide and fire alarms, fire extinguisher in the kitchen and in a closet not far from the fireplace.
      Candles and those long button-press lighters, water, canned goods, flashlights, basic medicines, basic first aid kit including large ‘stickers’ for sucking wounds and a tourniquet that we’ve been trained to use
      No one tries to fix the garage door themselves, have fireplace and dryer vents serviced annually
      I think training the kids so they know what to do is more important than the right gear. Have a plan they are familiar with of where they should go, who they should call for, whether they should wait for you or the dog etc or not, make sure they know to keep low if there is smoke, not open the oven if it is on fire inside, etc.

    8. Not gear, but I used to be a nanny and one of my major fears was something happening to me (like falling down the stairs and breaking my neck) and the kids being left helpless and alone. I made sure to talk to them about a safety plan and what to do if something happened and who they could ask for help. It’s also an argument for having a landline – teach them to dial 911.

    9. Emergency manager checking in here: Every household should have a go bag and an emergency plan. Ready.gov is a good resource for both of these.

      Really, one of the most important things to have are copies of all important documents. I recently was working on an incident where there was a gas leak and an entire 2 blocks was evacuated. We eventually allowed individuals back into their homes, with a fire and police escort, to retrieve important medication only. However, we were only able to allow those who had proof of address with them back into homes. So, having a license or ID with your current address is definitely important!

    10. Smoke detectors and fire blankets.

      Emergency contact list by the front door.

      First aid kit and fully stocked medication drawer.

      Grab and go emergency file (insurance paperwork, mortgage papers, passports, marriage and birth certificates). In bushfire season we also have bags packed.

      Epipen, oxygen tank, blood pressure cuff and heart rate monitor, pulse oximeter and equipment for administering saline IV (but I have a disease).

      Hospital bag packing list.

    11. we have a baseball bat under each bed. I worry that we might not get windows open fast enough in a fire (and we’ve lived places they are painted shut), so I want to be able to break them. That said, we don’t have little kids who would goof around with the bats.

  20. My husband is from another country and his parents live there. We live in a city near my hometown and he has lived in this state since before I met him. We both have very good and fulfilling careers here. I promised him when we met that I would live in his home country and I meant it and still do. It has a lot going for it and I like the city he is from.

    Recently I’ve been feeling like he isn’t loving the city we live in. It’s quite small and he’s from a much bigger one. This weekend there was some bad stuff that happened with his family and I think he is feeling both home sick and guilty for not being there. He mentioned moving back.

    I don’t really want to move yet, but I do want to be a good wife. I wonder if his reaction to the family emergency is also because he hasn’t like this city very much this winter. Which is maybe also a good reason for us to move on and I need to get over myself. I’m just at the cusp of something really good in my career. My parents also live here and they’re much older than his, so when he talks about his feeling of obligation towards his parents it’s hard for me to not to think I’m going to be in the exact same position but he doesn’t seem to realize that.

    What does a good spouse do in this situation?

    1. Hang in there.

      My husband’s grandfather passed away unexpectedly at the very beginning of COVID. I had been wanting to bring up trying for a baby for a while, but when COVID hit (and we were both working in healthcare), I knew that had to wait a bit. One day in the weeks following his grandfather’s death, DH said to me, “Do you think we’re ready for kids?” I’ve never bluescreened quite that hard. I knew full well we were not, but I had wanted so badly to bring it up before Everything happened. Finally I think I said, “I want to be, but we’re not,” and he said, “Promise me if we have a son someday we can name him for grandpa.” I said of course. And that was the end of it for the time being. He just needed to feel like there was something we could concretely do (especially since we could in no way travel to be with his family), and that something didn’t need to be big. Just agreeing that we’d name a baby after grandpa was enough.

      I would comfort your husband and be supportive of his wishes to eventually move back, and I wouldn’t make any big decisions right now. And I would mention your feelings about your obligation to your parents as part of the conversation when he brings his up.

      1. I’m not sure this is analogous. Names are much easier to compromise on than where you live. Many people have more than one child and a child can have more than one name. You can only live in one place.

        1. My point was that sometimes in the heat of the tough times, people start thinking drastically, but that doesn’t mean the OP needs to start making plans.

          2. I get that, but again, I don’t think that means she needs to immediately relinquish this massive decision to his emotional response of stress, guilt and worry during a family crisis. They may both regret a hasty decision right now, no matter what promises were made or will be kept.

          3. OP here, thanks Vicky, you have distilled that down to a very good point that I think my husband and I can have a good conversation about.

          4. Glad to hear it – and sorry it took so much rambling to get there! Something I am working on, promise. Best of luck, OP; hope your husband’s family are okay.

    2. Talk to your husband openly about all this. It is great that both of you care about your families and my guess is that both of you also care about the other persons family (it’s not as if you only care about your parents and he only cares about his). Find a solution together and it could be more visits to his home country.

    3. This is tough because you promised to live in his home country. If his parents have health issues now, then it might make sense for you to move there to be with his parents even though yours are older. Age doesn’t always mean more health issues. They come when they come. I think it also makes a difference if you for example live in the US and his family is in Europe versus everyone living on the same continent. Your respective careers are also a huge factor.

      Ultimately, to answer your question as far as being a good spouse, you’re not obligated to move right now just because you promised at some point to move to his country. As a spouse, you are obligated to work together towards a compromise that works for both of you. That’s your obligation as a good spouse. Try to find some compromise. Spouses do live apart for a certain time depending on careers, education, and family obligations. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing right now.

    4. If it’s not time for the move, is it time for a trip?

      What’s the timeline for the career advancement? (I would want to get the resume line before relocating if it were me!)

      I guess it sounds like you need to talk through the timeline since moving is a when, not a if, but I can’t tell whether the plan is “stick it out in this city for no more than two years” or “I really have to be near my parents as long they need me to be” (but maybe he needs to be near his parents too, which makes this hard!) or “relocating entirely is a ‘someday’ goal, but for now let’s find a way to spend a good chunk of the year there.”

      My partner is WFH, so our solution is that he spends at least a few weeks of the year with his family (which he can do without taking any time off work).

      1. OP here. I think a trip is a really good first step no matter what the outcome is. It’s going to be tricky with his work circumstances, but I for sure will bend over backwards if I can help him make it happen.

        I’m also thinking about that line on the resume. It really would be a huge level up for me and I think would impact the rest of my career. (Not that I couldn’t also have career success without it, but the path would certainly be different.) It would take at least two more years in our city, which is a timeline he’s aware of.

        I really appreciate everybody’s thoughtful answers here. This isn’t something I feel comfortable talking about with my friends because they don’t know the details of his family’s situation. It might be time for me to go back to my therapist to work through my own feelings on this too.

        1. Don’t quit before you quit. Definitely keep pushing for that next level and don’t make any decisions based on “maybe we will move at some point in the future.” Maybe I will get hit by a bus, but I’m still striving at work!

    5. Not the same but some similarities. I met and married my husband in our current US west coast city, which is near my hometown and most of my family. He is originally from a midwest city and really wanted to live on the west coast. I was fairly clear that I wasn’t open to moving to the midwest, and he agreed.

      Once we had kids, I was even more dug into not moving. He never really wanted to move back permanently, but as his family went through issues, especially with his mom’s failing health, he felt really guilty about not being able to easily be there. We didn’t jump right to moving, and neither should you. We managed it with more frequent visits, especially solo visits by him, which worked a lot better than hauling the whole family along when the situation was “drop everything and get here ASAP,” which happened a few times with his mom.

      Now that his mom has passed away, he’s still a bit guilty about not visiting as often, but it’s also true that his siblings have scattered far and wide across the midwest and south, and there is no one place to go to visit them.

      My message to you is similar to what others have said – don’t do anything hasty, and just start with more frequent visits for now, even if it’s your husband solo.

  21. Talk to your husband openly about all this. It is great that both of you care about your families and my guess is that both of you also care about the other persons family (it’s not as if you only care about your parents and he only cares about his). Find a solution together and it could be more visits to his home country.

  22. it is in the high 50s and sunny where i live today – can groceries sit in the car for an hour (have to go pick up my kids), or is that a bad idea?

    4. Depends on the groceries. Definitely nothing frozen but with an insulated bag and maybe a few ice packs you should be ok.

    5. I think it’s totally fine but I gather from previous discussions here that I’m more relaxed about food safety than many.

      1. +1. This would not even cross my mind tbh. I would probably try not to buy frozen meat or ice cream, but beyond that, I wouldn’t worry at all.

      3. This. An hour to me is not a big deal. Maybe if there were a lot of raw meat. But other groceries, even frozen stuff, wouldn’t phase me.

      5. +1 very lax here. Even leaving dairy and raw meat in the car in the OP’s scenario would not scare me.
        Same for leftovers left for many many hours on the counter, stuff past their sell-by / best-by / whatever-by dates, old leftovers in the fridge, etc.

        Unless there’s mold or noticeable odors, I’ll eat it (would bake/boil leftovers first if it’s particularly old-ish).

        Signed, I have a very strong stomach and microbiome…perhaps because of my very lax habits? Lol

    6. Veggies are fine.
      Anything frozen will probably melt some, frozen meats might not be able to be refrozen.
      Meat should probably be used today or tomorrow.

      Your trunk will get hot because it’s sunny even though it’s only in the 50s. You’d have more leeway if it was cloudy.

    9. I would. Only making sure things aren’t in direct sunlight and batch the cold stuff ao they keep each other cold.

  23. We will be hosting a gathering for about 40 people for a birthday party in Feb. I am planning on making it an indoor/outdoor setup because we’ll have an Ooni oven on outside to make pizzas. Food will include actual dinner type of items like lasagna and also finger foods We are in CA, no snow but it can be pretty cold outside in the evening. I will be renting outdoor propane heaters. We already have some seating outside (6 chairs with dining table plus couch that can seat 4, plus other misc. seating for 6). What is the best option for providing more surfaces outside? Small tall tables? Big tall tables? Are there any rules of thumb for what mix is good?

    1. A lot of rental sites might have suggestions by party size to give you a starting point :)

  24. can you send me all your positive hip replacement stories? my 75-yo MIL just fell, shattered her hip and femur.

    1. My mother never fell but has had both hips replaced and travelled all over the world with them, walking too fast for the rest of us to keep up (native NYer who wears this as a badge). My stepfather is 80+ and already declining and he fell over the summer and had his hip replaced and was on a river cruise in mid-October. They really do a good job with hips these days, though any bad fall is still very dangerous for the elderly and can have long-term consequences. Not trying to underplay that.

    2. My mother never fell but has had both hips replaced and travelled all over the world with them, walking too fast for the rest of us to keep up (native NYer who wears this as a badge). My stepfather is 80+ and already declining and he fell over the summer and had his hip replaced and was on a river cruise in mid-October. They really do a good job with hips these days, though any bad fall is still very dangerous for the elderly and can have long-term consequences. Not trying to underplay that.

    3. I was hiking over the weekend with my 71 year old friend who has had both hips replaced. How’s that for positive?

    4. A good friend of my mom’s, who is late 70s, had a hip replacement and has great mobility and quality of life now. According to my mom, hips are generally much more successful than knees.

    5. My mum has had both hips replaced and is doing really well.

      She had a great physiotherapist.

    6. My grandpa is 90 and has had two hips and two knees done over the last two decades. We call him the bionic man. He doesn’t walk far these days, but he does still walk down the road into town pretty often.

  25. I used to do ballet as a kid and loved it and would love to try it again for fun/exercise – can anyone recommend any beginner’s ballet workouts on Youtube, etc? I googled and there’s a lot, so if anyone has a recommendation I would appreciate it!

    2. Kathryn Morgan might be a good one for you to look at. She’s got routines for every level and she usually uploads with and without talking/explanations, so if you find a class/workout you like enough to do multiple times but don’t want to watch her explain it when you’re going through it again, you can watch the “no explanations” video.

      She used to be at NYCB but had to leave because of health issues and I find her to be very open and honest about body image and the challenges she’s had.

    3. Thanks for asking this, I went back to ballet classes earlier this month for the first time since 2018 and I’m wanting to supplement my weekly class with something else! Will look up Kathryn Morgan

  26. Low stakes fashion question for the day. Remember when black Nikes with white soles were all the rage in the mid/late 2010’s? What’s the current cool”athletic” sneaker and more importantly, what’s the on trend sneaker colorway in 2023?

    I already have “fashion” New Balances, Vejas, and Onitsuka Tigers in muted colors and whites. Looking for more athletic shoes for walks on a combo of pavement/grass/wooded trails with my kids without going to full-on hiking boots (have those too)

    4. Coming in late but for this inquiry I recommend Salomon for both trending + fit-for-purpose if they are comfortable for you. The all white colorway is probably the trendy choice but you do you.

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