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Meg Murry
TJ for men’s clothing advice:
My husband is in a casual environment where he rarely has to dress up, but he has an event coming up in a few weeks where he needs to wear a jacket of some kind, probably blazer/sportcoat but possibly suit. However, he hurt his wrist and hand and will still be in either a cast or bulky brace during that event – and he can’t get any of his jackets currently in his closet over his wrist – the cuffs are all too tight.
I know cuffs that actually unbutton instead of just having fake buttons (google tells me this is called surgeon’s cuffs?) is something that is done for really expensive, bespoke suits, but are there any men’s companies that make off the rack suits or blazers with functional cuffs? Anyone’s husband/SO out there have a recommendation for somewhere we could look? He is otherwise a fairly standard size (he almost always wears the size the mannequin is wearing, we have learned), so he could probably wear anything off the rack with no tailoring, as long as he can get his cast through the unbuttoned cuff.
Our plan B is to take one (or a few, he might have more events soon) of his jackets to a local seamstress we are friendly with and see if she can neatly open up the faux cuff and lining so he can put on the jacket over his cast/brace. But he could use a new suit or sport coat anyway, so I was hoping we might be able to find something in a store that would work but won’t be insanely expensive.
Or I guess Plan C would be for him to just skip the jacket and wear a dress shirt (unbuttoned at the cuff) and tie only. How much would you judge someone who went jacket-less when they have a very obvious cast? We are also leaning against this option because it’s starting to get cold here and he would like the jacket to keep him warm on his way to/from the event (the only warm coat he has that works over the cast is super casual and bright colored).
Anonymous
I usually see guys with casts wearing the jacket and just keeping that arm out. Would that work?
Cb
What about a vest to up the formality level but not require specific tailoring? I always think men look quite nice with trousers, a nice top and a waistcoat.
LAnon
What about a vest to up the formality level but not require specific tailoring? I always think men look quite nice with trousers, a nice top and a waistcoat.
CountC
This is what I did when I had a cast on my arm for client meetings and the like. No one thought it was unprofessional or bizarre. It’s what you have to do if you have a giant cast on your arm. People get it!
SH
I have no idea about mens’ suit jacket cuffs. But I would not judge someone with an obvious and bulky cast wearing only a dress shirt and a tie – it’s clear why he’s not wearing a jacket, and it’s not because he didn’t get the memo/is anti-establishment/can’t follow directions. Sort of like if you broke your ankle and have a cast, I also wouldn’t expect you to be wearing high heels.
Could he wear an undershirt to help to keep him warm?
lawsuited
Maybe a vest would make the dress shirt and tie look more put together? I know a lot of younger men that eschew a jacket for a (matching, suiting fabric) vest and it looks very smart.
kc esq
My J crew blazers all actually unbutton at the cuff — do their men’s jackets not do the same?
Cb
Thoughts on what I acknowledge is a first-world predicament?
I’m a regular attendee at a restorative yoga class (all levels- billed as good for beginners). It’s a pretty consistent crowd but last night there was a man in class last night who was new to yoga and was slightly unsure / not reading social cues well (ie. she had to ask him to sit down at the start, he complained about the noise of the heater, he was a bit noisy. The instructor was clearly annoyed at him during the class (was a bit brusque with her corrections, kept saying she wasn’t going to talk loads as most of us were regulars) and when I came out of class after getting changed, she was poking fun at him with the lady of the front desk.
She didn’t seem to mind me “as one of her regulars” overhearing but I was uncomfortable that she’d make fun of someone like that. We all have to start somewhere, he was clearly out of his element, and it made me wonder what she says about people with different body types, disabilities, etc. I know everyone has off days but it felt really unkind to someone who probably felt quite vulnerable.
I have a regular class with the owner and I’m unsure if I should say something (focusing on the newbies versus regulars talk? or the gossiping?)
Anonymous
I think you are a very kind person, and that you should mind your own business on this one.
Wildkitten
I think this is her business, since it made her uncomfortable at a business she frequents specifically to be comfortable. I would’ve also been uncomfortable and would feel bad for weeks for not saying something.
Emmer
I probably would have pointed out what you are talking about while they were talking about it (“hey now, everyone’s gotta start somewhere”), but I don’t think it’s worth it to bring it up again unless they do.
Cb
That’s a good point, I think I’m kicking myself for not saying something at the time but I should probably butt out.
L
I would say something to her. As someone who’s been exceedingly uncomfortable to try new fitness activities, I would probably have curled up in a ball and not gone back after that. She deserves to know you found it slightly offputting/rude and should knock it off.
KateMiddletown
Is there a suggestion box at your studio? I definitely advocate for inclusive yoga/workout studio communities, but I don’t know that it would be beneficial to get specific in your conversation with the owner – there’s no sense in creating more tension. Either way, that man probably won’t come back to the studio – you could vote with your feet, too.
Cb
That’s a good idea! They run a teacher training programme so perhaps a useful thing for new teachers as well … you may love your regulars but your regulars were newbies once too.
Anon
As a business owner I would want to know, as situations such as this can be really bad for business. You wouldn’t even need to specifically call out the instructor, but you could just let them know that they may want to remind their instructors that not everyone is experienced and that the studio’s policy is to be welcoming and accommodating of new customers, regardless of skill and experience (assuming that is their policy based on their classification that all classes are acceptable for beginners).
Anonymous
I love yoga, but this is why I don’t like to go to yoga classes and I rarely return to a studio/class with any loyalty.
agreed
yeah this is always my fear when i go to yoga
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! Did the HIVE hear about the lawsuit involving the guy and Bikram Yoga? He sued for copyright infringement about his 25 steps and the sweaty order for his poses! He lost the law suit. I wonder how many peeople are now goeing to do the poses? HERE IS THE TIMES ARTICLE FOR THE HIVE!!! YAY!!!
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2015/10/08/us/ap-us-bikram-yoga-copyright.html?_r=0
OMG, Frank says he want’s me to do the Bikram Yoga poses for him in my spanx! FOOEY on Frank. He will NEVER see my tuchus that up front and personal. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Julia
This is very interesting. Thanks for pointing this out, Ellen!!!!!
I can’t imagine how some people want to monetize everything they do, and sue if they are unhappy. Thank goodness the copyright law does not protect such selfish behavior.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the judges wrote:
This question implicates a fundamental principle underlying constitutional and statutory copyright protection—the idea/expression dichotomy. Because copyright protection is limited to the expression of ideas, and does not extend to the ideas themselves, the Bikram Yoga Sequence is not a proper subject of copyright protection.
Fishie
If this was a regular thing, I’d say go ahead and say something. I think everyone is entitled to a free jerk pass every now and then. Do you want to be tattled on the next time you are less than perfect?
KateMiddletown
When you’re giving someone money for a wedding gift – cash or check? Mail or @ the reception? (Side note, they’re not in my address book and the wedding is tomorrow.)
Anonymous
I usually do a check in a card at the reception.
Anon
+1
BeenThatGuy
+1 Being from the NYC metro area, it’s really the only acceptable way. If you aren’t from this area, it’s hard to understand (and vice versa)
Batgirl
I don’t really get why it’s the only acceptable way (and I’m in the NYC metro area). I got married relatively recently and while many people who gave money gave us a check in a card at the reception, we got nearly as many in a card (checks not cash) by mail. One or two people gave us cash but it made me nervous because those gift boxes aren’t really attended and things get lost in all the shuffle sometimes.
BeenThatGuy
To answer you question, in my opinion of course, I wouldn’t show up to a wedding without a gift. The money is the gift. Sending it in the mail, to me, indicates the gift is an afterthought. The OP asked for opinions. That is mine.
Mail, mail, mail
Mail in a couple of weeks. They will be away on a honeymoon (probably) and will come back to a massive mail glut to sort through. You officially have a year to get a present.
DO NOT BRING! There is too much stuff at receptions and someone will have to be tasked with not losing it. They may lose it anyway (or it will slip down between the car seats in someone’s car and they won’t find it for a while). And it can rain or something can get spilled on your check. Don’t add to the chaos!
Anonymous
Every wedding I go to has a card box. This isn’t hard.
Anon
And I have never been to a wedding with a card box. I’d err on the side of caution and mail it. It’s not like a hostess gift where you have to have a gift at the event, and it’s perfectly acceptable to mail a wedding gift (and usually preferred by the couple).
tesyaa
This is sensible advice, but if you do decide to bring the check to the reception (in an envelope, with a card), don’t give it directly to the distracted bride or groom – usually a family member (father of the bride, for example) is formally or informally charged with the responsibility of accepting these gifts.
Walnut
My host couple handled gifts at the reception. They were stationed by the guest book and took all gifts/cards to a locked room just off to the side of the entrance.
Maddie Ross
Yeah, just to confirm again how different weddings can be across the country (and culturally) I have not only never been to a wedding with a “cash/card box” and have never even heard of a “host couple.”
JJ
Agreed, Maddie Ross. I’ve been to a ton of weddings (none in the NE), and I’ve never heard of either of those things.
Betty
I agree with mail it to them. I know of two weddings where money gifts were stolen at the reception. By relatives.
Anon0321
Mail because of this. I don’t think anything was stolen at our wedding, but gifts definitely got lost in the hustle and bustle, which sucked. Although if it were the day before, I’d probably just bring the check and then check a couple months later to make sure it was deposited.
Wildkitten
I put a check in the mail but you can drop one in a card for the reception. The rule against gifts at the reception is so the newly married couple don’t have a hail around a Kitchenaid Mixer.
Wildkitten
*Haul. But also mail, mail, mail would work too.
Brunette Elle Woods
I usually bring a check and a card to weddings, but I really don’t think it matter. I do know some newlyweds who deposit all checks before the honeymoon so it may be more convenient to bring it to the wedding.
Ella
Please not cash – it’s stressful to receive. Cheques are so much easier for all involved.
Walnut
As a negative to checks, it can be a pain to deposit checks that are written out to Mr. and Mrs. New Last Name when banking affairs have not been worked out and last names have not been changed.
Anonymous
Which is why I always make them payable to Spouse One Given Name and/or Spouse Two Given Name.
Anon
This.
Anon0321
I have a difficult name and did not change it (and to complicate things, I go by a nickname)- the checks to us were made out in every way you could possibly imagine and we had no issue at all d positing them at the BofA atm. however, I now write my checks out both names and put an or in between.
Ems
I agree with this – cash can disappear. Checks cannot. And the new ATMs and mobile check cashing makes it easy. Also, as a gifter, I won’t remember how much cash I gave you but my account will have a record of checks drawn.
lost academic
Cash, always. That way I don’t worry about if/when the check will get cashed, and with some people that can be dicey and you don’t want to ask 6 months down the road if they’re going to at all, and if they forget to, they may be hesitant to contact me and ask if it’s still ok to deposit. We have made it a practice to include a $100 bill with a nice card – we just like it more than a bunch of wrinkled $20s.
There’ve always been cards in the table for gifts at every single wedding, we’ve never once worried about it getting lost. If we did have that concern, I’d hand it to the maid of honor after checking with her about it, or one of the parents.
anon
Please don’t bring cash to a wedding — it disappears. I had some cash stolen at some point the day after the wedding, and it sucked. Should we have used the safe? Absolutely, but we weren’t worried about such a thing. Cash might be more convenient for the giver, but not for the recipient.
Alli
Agree with many above; there will likely be a place to put it at the reception, or someone to receive it, but that doesn’t mean it will get from Point A to Point B. That basically depends on whether someone has been charged with getting gifts and cards from reception to new couple’s home, AND whether that person is responsible and actually does it, AND whether that person gets overwhelmed or confused. And whether that person takes all the cards off the gifts brought to the reception, leaving you to wonder who sent this gravy boat and how on earth you are going to figure out who gets what thank you note. Not that that happened to me or anything :)
More E Rings
Last night I caught up on the recent threads about engagement rings. I agree that what sort of ring — and what price range — is a totally personal decision. From the information provided, I think that I have one of the lowest-cost rings in the bunch, so I just want to add in my view. I have not once, ever, thought DH and I should have spent more than we did. (We paid around $200 for the ring, which I made sure to get on sale at a department store.)
For me, I wanted the engagement ring that I always thought was the most beautiful growing up — it was a ring that I would see in Tiffany’s ads: a simply silver band with one solitaire stone, around 2 carats. I have just always found the simple beauty to be classic, elegant, and sophisticated, and I knew that I wanted that sort of ring. But as an adult, with the reality of prices, there was no way that DH and I would shell out the cost for a Tiffany’s ring. No way! I instead got a CZ ring that looks exactly like the Tiffany’s one, and I love it!
For me, these are the big reasons that my personal advice is to go for a CZ:
1) You can find good CZs out there. Maybe a professional could tell the difference, but the people in my actual life probably don’t care too much about whether the rock is real or fake.
2) I can get a ring that looks just like I want, without having to worry about the cost.
3) I personally don’t want to be responsible for wearing around an expensive ring. I don’t have thousand-dollar bills hanging out of my back pocket, and I don’t want that type of money on my hand! I like knowing that if I accidentally lose the ring, I can just get a new one. And I don’t have to spend the money insuring it.
Also, FWIW, I never considered “what we could afford” when we bought the ring. We could have “afforded” to spend much more on it, in the sense that we had the funds available. But investing a lot of money on a ring doesn’t sound like an actual investment to me. Sure, you still have the value and you could sell it or something, but it’s not really giving me any value other than how it looks.
While I can understand people who prefer real diamonds, I don’t understand how a ring really gives you back thousands of dollars worth of value. It’s different between people, I know. For me, I just don’t get it. The love and commitment between DH and me doesn’t change based on the monetary value of the ring.
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone suggested rings are a good investment? They are not.
And I’m glad you’re happy with your CZ- personally I can’t stand the way they look.
Anon
I find it hard to believe that you’re able to tell the difference between all diamonds and CZ. There may be some bad CZs out there, but I agree with OP at least to the extent that some CZs look just like diamonds. I spent much more than OP on my ring and I prefer a diamond, but it’s crazy to say that you can always tell them apart.
More on rings
When I was ring shopping, it was hard to find a CZ < 5 carats. Maybe that is why? No real diamond would be that large (on anyone I am likely to meet).
The whole thing is what the Car Talk guys used to call the Marital Industrial Complex. Crazy.
Anonymous
My husband has a very wealthy (family money, not self-made) friend who gave his fiancee a 6 carat diamond ring, apparently of exceptionally high quality. It honestly looks fake because it is SO much larger than any ring I (or most people, presumably) have seen in real life. Even if money were no object and we couldn’t spend the money on something else, I would not want a ring that large just because people would assume it’s a CZ.
Anon
I can’t stand when people write in upspeak!!
Anonymous
Isn’t it the worst when people use exclamation points excessively?
Heh
I see what you did there.
Anondc
I’m not even close to getting engaged but this is something I’ve thought about from time to time. Although I try not to care what others are doing and for the most part succeed in that, the horrors of the diamond industry makes me side-eye people that knowingly partake in that and spend crazy amounts of money on diamonds. If I were to get a diamond I would get it from conflict free jewelers (which are quite common and increasing in popularity).
So for the most part if you can afford it go for it, but try to make it conflict free and within your budget. Other than that I dont really care.
lawsuited
This is the reason I have an amethyst engagement ring. I grew up in an African country affected by the diamond trade, and no woman in my family has a diamond engagement ring so it’s now more or less a tradition in our family.
BankrAtty
I have a sapphire myself. :)
Scarlett
I have an emerald!
CountC
To play devil’s advocate, I have a hard time believing anything that is deemed cruelty free truly is. It’s similar to the conflict minerals issue I run into at work. Sure, there are supposed to be conflict free metal mines, but who the hell really knows. The USG can’t even certify which mines are conflict free for the metals we need to know about and I can’t imagine the diamond mines are much different. The guerrillas and, for lack of a better term, bad guys just pay people off. Mining is full of corruption. For me personally, it’s not worth the chance.
If anyone asked my opinion and they were dead set on a diamond, I would say get an estate or consignment ring.
Anondc
Very good point!
Ella
You know you can buy Canadian diamonds, right? As someone who works in the Canadian north, I assure you that Canadians in this industry are well treated.
CountC
I do thanks, but most people do not. It’s been my experience that when people speak of conflict-free diamonds, they are specifically referring to diamonds coming from mines in Africa, so that is what I was responding to.
Anonymous
True, but they are mined on unsceded Inuit land, so I wouldn’t say they are conflict free
Anonymous
I thought the “conflict” part referred primarily to the money from the resulting sales supporting war/terrorism/genocide, as opposed to treatment of the workers or other cultural interplays.
KateMiddletown
I didnt!
Aunt Jamesina
This is why I went with a vintage ring. It’s already out there. I’m conflicted about the fact that it still perpetuates the popularity of diamonds, but I make a point to advocate for vintage jewelry whenever appropriate.
Wildkitten
There are similar rings in Moissanite as well – the 2 carat look for under $1k.
Steel
I always dreamed of a classic ring with a huge high-quality diamond (my mom works in the diamond business). Being a real darling, DH (soon-to-be fiance back then) secretly started saving agressively and looking for the very best ring he could possibly afford. Only that he just couldn´t wait to pop the question, and asked totally out of the blue, one evening after work, in our kitchen, totally unprepared, in the spur of a moment. No ring, no kneefall, no candlelight dinner…
The second he proposed, I wholeheartedly said yes. And because a ring had been soooo important to me before, we purchased one that evening at the only place still open: A gas station/ mini mart.
So my engagement ring is a 10 $ stainless steel band that is not even really my size. I´m happily and proudly wearing it every day. And I can clean it with the same product as the sink & fridge :-)
Anon
I love this story!! It is so sweet!
Anon
This is awesome! :)
anon
This may be the most romantic engagement story I have ever heard.
anon
:)
Anonx
What a lovely story. I know people are emotional about engagement rings and dream about it long before they actually get to wear it, but isn’t the spirit more important than the object itself?
anon
My husband believes that the amount of money spent on the ring is a sign of the man’s commitment to the marriage and financial stability. It has to be a pretty substantial amount to prove that the man is serious about the marriage and can afford to support a family, but not so much that it is overly showy and wasteful. I think this attitude is outdated, shallow, and somewhat logically inconsistent (you have to spend $$ just to show that you have money, but if you spend $$$ then you are being a show-off? and you expect me to hold a job and contribute financially, but you also have to prove that you alone can support our family before we can get married?). He and his belief system are caught somewhere between the era in which he grew up and the one in which we now live, and this makes for some interesting tensions on all sorts of issues. I am sure he is not the only guy out there who is like this.
Aunt Jamesina
This is so interesting to me… does he think less of the men who buy inexpensive rings, or is this just the standard he holds himself to?
anon
It is mainly a standard he holds himself to, but he has definitely made comments to me in situations where there is no ring.
blossom
One of my co-workers is looking at rings with is long-time girlfriend and I can clearly see this dynamic in what I hear from him. His girlfriend wants something pretty, doesn’t feel bound to diamonds, and sounds a little uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a very expensive ring on a daily basis. My co-worker, on the other hand, fully admits to having an irrational feeling that he should be giving her an enormous diamond.
Runner 5
I fully admit to also having this bias, but I also don’t like super sparkly things or things which look like they were needlessly expensive. So there will be a conflict if I ever get engaged.
A from Boston
Seems like advice that made sense at one point, but doesn’t anymore. Not when so many of us are in debt, and not when both partners contribute to the household finances. Honestly, I think whether a couple can decide what to do about the engagement ring is one of their first real “tests,” and I think there are several legitimate approaches but the one the couple picks says a lot about their priorities and how they work together.
I’m old fashioned enough to want a ring, but I’m progressive enough that demanding that he buy me something so expensive gives me pause, and I’m thinking maybe I should at least offer to cover part of the cost, and I don’t need something super fancy. I don’t think I’d want to wear an enormous rock all the time anyway.
More E Rings
I think you make some great points here.
Also, at least in my relationship, part of getting married (and preparing for it), involved a switch away from thinking about “my money” and “his money,” and thinking about it as “our money.” Even though we didn’t change our bank accounts for awhile because of the logistic hassle, it became our money. I can’t see how the guy is buying the girl the ring, except in the most formalistic of senses. It is the couple that is buying the ring, regardless of what bank account funds the purchase.
Wildkitten
I have this bias too – not in providing for the family but in demonstrating the seriousness of the commitment. My bf and I both make decent money (combined $150k) and a $200 ring is something I can buy without thinking. I want to have to think about an engagement ring purpose. Also my parents had crap rings and a crap marriage so I’m also biased against cheap rings, as much as I am biased towards an investment ring. I don’t mind what other people, but for me, I want a ring that requires at least as much thought as buying a used car.
Anonymous
That sounds very similar to my fiancé. I made a variety of bids for a non-diamond ring, and he just couldn’t live with the shame, lol. Also, we put a deposit on our venue last week, but he won’t announce this to his family until the ring (which we ordered together last weekend) is actually on my hand. He insists that there needs to be an official proposal, even though we are already planning the wedding and we picked out and bought the ring together. Very torn between tradition and romance, and practicality and logistics.
I feel like I won the e-ring debate though because I got him to agree to .72 carats rather than 1 carat, which would look giant in our circle, and I got him under 1 month of his salary rather than 2 months.
Anon
In efforts not to out myself anon for this. I studied ethics, it’s not my current field but I worked heavily with consumerism and it’s residual social, economic and environmental impacts. My spouse thankfully knows me well and knew I’d want a ring made by a local jeweler with recycled metal (silver), and non-diamond stones mined in a responsible way. I did it to both make a point and so that it aligned with my beliefs. It also meant a very sparklie ring was only about 500.
anonring
I love my engagement ring — probably amongst the cheapest here. It’s handmade (thanks, Etsy!) and it looks like a traditional engagement ring from across the room, but up close you can see that it’s a funky play on the traditional notion, involving no rock at all. It was initially a birthday present, and then over a course of some discussions we decided we were getting married, and once we reached that decision we considered ourselves engaged, and I already had a ring, so here we are. My wedding band is a little sterling silver thing from a local jeweler. Together our bands were $100. My husband has already lost (and found!) his once, so I’m glad they weren’t much pricier than that.
I’ll admit the discussions this week about people judging women in a professional context based on their rings shocked me, because mine are quiet, personal, and serve their purpose. The most I’ve ever heard it mentioned in a professional context was when we took department photos for my current job. “What should we do with our hands?” the Senior VP asked. “Crossed on your lap,” the photographer said. “Wedding rings out,” said the Marketing Guy. “Yes,” said the CEO. “We are a family friendly organization!” (TBH I found that comment / correlation a tiny bit shocking too.)
anon
the “family friendly” = married correlation doesn’t shock me, especially depending on the industry you might be in. (conservative field here.) The Marketing Guy sounds like a douche, from that one comment though..
Moonstone
After 20 years of marriage, my sister lost her engagement ring. We went together to get a similar-looking CZ ring and she is actually very happy with it. And after 6 months, the engagement ring miraculously reappeared in a teacup in her built-in china cabinets. She had taken off the ring to wash all the china and maybe put the ring in one of the teacups but never remembered that. Anyway, she still wears the CZ because she likes not having to worry about it. She spent about $250.
KateMiddletown
My mom did something similar – she either lost her ring or needed to get the band remade, I can’t recall. It was a kind of emotional moment, from what I remember as a kid. Around that same time she inherited her aunt’s diamond engagement ring (somewhat larger) and had that reset into one she wears today in lieu of a wedding band.
I am *waiting* to receive a ring in the next few… somethings. The stone will be his mom’s from 1 of her marriages and the setting will be new, something very simple and elegant (I saw a photo on his phone), from a jewelry store his neighbor works at. Some people would be bothered by the fact that the stone comes from a failed marriage – bad juju. The stone was given to him last Christmas, and he found out my ring size the week before Valentine’s day this year. Now it’s October… I need some tips on patience at this point.
Anonymama
Seeing your name, trying to think of a joke about “waity-Katie” as the tabloids called Kate Middleton before her engagement. Try to think ahead a year or two, once you are already married – these last few months will seem like nothing, assuming he’s on-board and just waitin for the right moment. Tell him the above kitchen engagement story and how romantic it was, and mention that you think a huge engagement event hot-air balloon ride with all your family and friends isn’t your style.
ArenKay
Team No Ring here, and on year 15 of a happy marriage. These discussions have reminded me why I am happy to be Team No Ring.
Question
Does anyone have an opinion on purchasing an engagement gift for the other half of the equation? We exchanged gifts – a ring for me, a watch for him. Are we alone in this choice?
another anon
I know many couples who did this exact thing. Congratulations on your engagement!
anon
We were going to do a ring for me and a watch for him. And then I decided I wanted a watch more than a ring. So we both got watches. I like the idea of an engagement gift as a celebration of being engaged rather than the idea of an engagement ring as something that announces to everyone you’re engaged (while he has nothing announcing that is engaged…). That dynamic was something that really didn’t sit well with me.
anon
A friend’s fiance wore his wedding band on his right hand while they were engaged as a sign of their commitment.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m late to the thread, but I felt very conflicted about accepting a ring (and was uncomfortable with the idea of the man getting to determine the when/ where/ how of the proposal). So we simply decided to get married together, went to Jeweler’s Row in Chicago for a ring, and I got him a custom-made suit that he wore to our wedding and to many other events. The cost for each was almost exactly equal. He really enjoyed the process and loves his suit!
man made diamond
I always dreamt of a traditional engagement ring as well. When it came time to look, fiance picked out a yellow gold solitaire –but with a man made carbon diamond (not CZ–it’s a diamond, but it’s lab created instead of sitting in the earth for years and years). It’s gorgeous. And I’m happy. I say do whatever you both think is right for YOU. I am honestly a little self conscious that my ring isn’t white gold or platinum since that isn’t in style, but whatever. Yellow gold is all I wear, and it makes me happy.
lawsuited
The name of this top is hilarious. Although that’s par for the course with ModCloth.
New York Question
Will be in New York next week for work. Temps will be in the mid 50s – will women be in tights or should I do sheer pantyhoes?
NYNY
Tights.
Anonymous
Tights and boots are fully in play. I’ve seen everything from leather to down jackets this morning.
More on rings
I am not a ring person. I really wanted an engagement convertible. It did not happen. [I even thought that an IROC would be a good car (no idea if it comes in a convertible version) because it sounds like “rock”.]
And now husband wants . . . a convertible. Maybe this is like upgrading your ring from your starter ring?
anon
Engagement convertible–I love this! We rented a luxury convertible instead of hiring a limo for our wedding and used to talk about buying one of the same model someday. Then the company went and discontinued it. Oh, well. By the time our kid is in college and we can actually think about buying a two-seater convertible, it will be a classic and we can buy an old one to restore as a retirement project.
lawsuited
I know someone who got an engagement exercise bike. Definitely go with the convertible instead!
CountC
I wanted an engagement saddle, but I couldn’t wait any longer!! Now I want an engagement Shelby . . .
Anonymous
I wanted an engagement eventing horse. My husband said the ring was cheaper. Sigh.
CountC
Your husband is right, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have one anyway!
Anonymous
I agree! I’m gunning for a 5 year anniversary horse. He countered with an anniversary boat. There’s a reason we’re together (and going to be broke!)
Anonymous
we are in the midst of an 10 year anniversary boat debate. He wants sail, I want power.
The kid would prefer we go to Disney and she goes to college (eventually). ;)
Runner 5
It’s all about sail.
CountC
Mine wants to boat as well, we are all screwed! Broke, but enjoying life?
CountC
Now I am listing out the other things could sub in here for a ring . . . my bf will say that a Shelby is more expensive than a ring, but I could probably squeak an Edgewood bridle, at least one horse show, and perhaps a new helmet and some show clothes in instead? I mean the helmet obviously, safety first. And my paddock boots are 17 years old . . . man, this could get dangerous!
Gail the Goldfish
The ring is definitely cheaper… but get one anyway:-) Hmm, maybe I could try this tactic if he doesn’t think about the upkeep cost of the horse…
Anon
I heard of a girl who got an engagement rescue dog. Best foundation for a marriage ever!
Aunt Jamesina
Now that’s an investment!
anon
I wanted an engagement puppy, but the husband is allergic.
Digby
Yes! A friend of mine got an engagement beagle – best engagement present ever! He’s the cutest, sweetest dog in the world.
lost academic
I know people that want (and some that have done) engagement horses. Works out a lot better for riders that way!
Alli
What about an engagement tiara? Engagement revolutionary war musket?
CountC
Sign me up for an engagement tiara.
Anon
Thanks, Pheebs
Alli
Thank you for getting the Friends reference :)
Sydney Bristow
My fiancé would have loved an engagement revolutionary war musket.
christineispink
i also thought of that friends episode :)
i’m all for the engagement tiara. but i guess only if it’s everyday appropriate ;)
CapHillAnon
Kansas City wedding, late afternoon, upscale hotel a couple weeks from now.
1. Could I wear a black dress, or is that Not Done in Kansas City?
2. Anything super-fun I should do while I’m there? I’ll have 2 elementary-school-aged kiddos with me.
Thanks!
KS IT Chick
I’m not sure on the black dress. It really depends on the social set you’re talking about in KC.
As far as “Must Do’s”…. Union Station, with Science City, and the habitrail over to Crown Center, with Crayola Village. The World War I museum is amazing, but elementary school kids may not be very into it. Walk around The Plaza, but it will be to early for the lights.
EmpressBren
Having been raised in KC (but having not lived there for many years) You’ll be fine in a black dress at all but the most formal of weddings. Somewhere, my very formal relatives just rolled at me having typed that.
Also on the to do list. The River Market has a museum for the Steamboat Arabia that they pulled from the river. It’s really cool and a little off the beaten path.
The Nelson Atkins Museum has areas and exhibits built for kids. It is an incredible museum.
And the fountains…all of the fountains. I believe they’ll still be on. They’re everywhere and wonderful.
anon
If you’re in the Union Station area, the Lego Discovery Center is pretty fun, especially if you have kids that like to build racecars. My kids were not impressed by Legoland but love the KC Lego Discovery Center.
CapHillAnon
Thanks for the KC suggestions!
anon
This is a know-your-bride situation. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I’m a New Yorker who wears a lot of black and certain untraditional, but I was not happy when people wore black to my wedding. Unless you know that the bridesmaids are in black or know the bride well enough to be positive that she doesn’t care, wear something else.
Anonymous
Srsly?
anon
Yes. There are still people raised in this country who strongly associate black with funerals or, at the least, insufficiently celebratory for a wedding. You don’t have to agree with it, but it is something to consider.
CapHillAnon
Yeah, this is what I’m concerned about. I don’t know the bride at all, and only knew the groom when he was a child. The wedding website is pretty sparse on details (except that there will be more than 6 bridesmaids). I do appreciate that some people find black at a wedding to be depressing / culturally questionable.
I'm on a break...
I’d appreciate hearing some stories/advice from folks who took substantial time off of their career (years) for personal reasons, and how they transitioned back. There are probably not many who read this site…. I am particularly curious if they can share their field, how hard it was to get back in the game, and how differently they were treated by their colleagues.
I am single, and have taken several years off work to care for ill / dying family members. It is quite isolating both personally and professionally, and financially devastating. When I return to working, I will have to return to a trainee level (and even start at a non-paid level), but my prior experience will be very valuable in the long run and will at least get me in the door. I do not know anyone or have any peer/mentor who has done anything like this, which makes it even more scary.
Anonymous
This sounds like exactly what moms who take a few years off go through. I don’t think it’s as uncommon as you think. Have you looked into those resources?
Anonymous
Sorry, I don’t mean to be implying what you’re doing isn’t hard, just that you’re not alone.
I'm on a break...
I was asking if anyone on this site in particular had anything to add from their experience, as I read here regularly.
It would be a bonus if they were caregivers, but I knew the likelihood of that was slim.
Coach Laura
To “I’m on a break” – I have seen people (men and women both) who “transitioned” back to the work-force well and poorly. The key is networking, as it is for most job searches, and networking done right is the best way back into the paid workforce. Caregiving for ill family members or kids – it can be isolating. So in order to keep from burning out, take some “me time.” To pave the way for your eventual return to a (better than entry level) job, I’d suggest that you start networking. Join LinkedIn or expand your circle on LinkedIn. Look up your old work friends, college friends, sorority friends, then expand to people outside your field like people from your neighborhood, church/temple, social friends, friends of your relatives, your real estate agent, accountant, hair stylist. A lot of people will want to help. Make a goal to have 1-2 coffee meetings or phone conversations a week with someone who might be a good contact for your eventual return. Investigate alumni resources, job fairs, career services at your local unemployment agencies. And don’t sell yourself short – you may not need to start as a trainee.
I'm on a break...
Lots of good ideas. I am in a different city from my friends/peers/training/schools, so it has been difficult finding local contacts for networking. And I’m embarrassed to say I have zero local casual contacts to help, as my life is totally insular and frugal.
Do people actually reach out to random alumni that they do not know? I haven’t been to an unemployment agency, but that would not have occurred to me either.
Blonde Lawyer
I know there was a lawyer at my firm (female if it matters) that joined part time after taking time off to care for ailing parents. She worked in municipal law which is kind of its own beast and we had a need for someone that could advise us on those issues. It worked well because we didn’t have enough work for her full time in her practice area and she only wanted to work part time during her transition. She has since left to go to another firm full time. I know she had made a name for herself professionally before she took a couple of years off so there was still name recognition when she came back. I believe she also stayed involved in practice specific groups that met for lunches etc and I think she taught some CLE’s while on leave too which kept her name in the game.
I also think she approached our firm and pitched herself and was upfront about what she had been doing and what she was looking to do. I think you just have to own it and many people will find the reason you were out very respectable and understandable.
I'm on a break...
Wow – this is really helpful. This would be my fantasy, actually. I was not established in my field prior to my break, so this woman’s path is not realistic. But I am in a niche field, and now in an area of the country where my training/field expertise is very rare so I will be noticed nonetheless.
I do like the idea of pitching myself.
I also realize that I will be very slow and need a lot of retraining when I initially return. So working part time so that I can study/finish work off hours is needed.
anon
As someone who hires (but has not taken the time off myself), I’d be more interested in an applicant that has done something or started to do something before applying. It shows an interest in getting back to your career. I think you have to get yourself out there. You can start by publishing articles, even simple ones for newsletters or local magazines. Join the local bar association even if you don’t know anyone and even if you don’t plan on staying local. This would give you opportunities to meet people, to publish and to speak, all of which can go on your resume.
You could also get involved with a local non profit board. Again, gets you meeting people, you get great experience on management, governance, etc., and you’re supporting your community. You can also volunteer.
The more closely to your desired position, the better. Even if its 10 hours a month, its better than doing nothing. You can also meet a lot of people through volunteer work and non-profits.
If you’re in a niche field, you can beef up your online presence. Not sure if in your field, it makes sense, but you could build your own website portfolio – I know someone who did this and was in design. Brush up your linked in profile, start participating in linked in group conversations if appropriate, etc.
A lot of this depends on your field but the theme is the same… Meet people, network, and build your presence.
I'm on a break...
Thank you for this. Incredibly helpful.
I am not in law, but much of your advice is very relevant. Unfortunately, I would not be able to publish or teach at my level/status – particularly without an active appointment. However, I have been keeping myself in professional organizations, and am trying to keep up with CME/licensure, and I have recently been doing (very little) volunteering in a relevant field. None is high profile, but you are encouraging me that I should continue. Regardless, I am thinking I will have to start with volunteering (= essentially working in my field for free) before I transition back, if only to get a relevant and current reference.
I have been very inhibited to reach out to meet people, as my return date is unclear and I want to be polished with a plan before my name gets out there (the community is small….). I also worry constantly that I will be judged, and pray that I will not flinch and get upset, which has happened in the past. Unfortunately, many people in my field/location are not very empathic. Also very few women.
Anonnymouse
I stepped out of my career for six years to take care of my children. When it was time to return, I was in a different part of the country and did not have a local network to help get back in. I ended up doing a one-year graduate degree to refresh my skills and knowledge and to develop a network.
Anon
I got a positive pregnancy test after a miscarriage this summer. This will be our first baby, and we couldn’t be happier. Wondering if anyone out there has words of wisdom for enjoying this time? I don’t want to let my anxiety get the best of me.
Ano
Congratulations!
This may be helpful, or it may be irritating, but it is truly out of your hands now. All the worrying in the world won’t change the outcome – it will just change your day-to-day experience and mindset. So there is nothing be gained by being anxious, and nothing to be lost by thinking positively!
Anon
So true. Thank you for the kind words.
JJ
Congrats!!
I was so, so, so anxious when I was pregnant after a miscarriage. I kept feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop – making it through 12 weeks, then 20 weeks, then viability, etc. I finally had to accept that it was out of my hands. Personally, I felt better sharing our news early with family and trusted friends because that way I could confide in them when I felt most anxious. Good luck, and be kind to yourself!
Bingo
When I was finally pregnant after years of trying, I was very nervous too, and also wondered whether I should try to relax and enjoy being pregnant so that I didn’t look back on it later and feel like I had worried too much, or missed out on a special time. But honestly, I think it’s okay to worry some. Of course worrying won’t change the outcome, but it’s okay to be honest with yourself about how much this matters to you, and how much you want it, and how difficult it would be if you lost it. And if reading some blogs or websites or anything like that helps you pass the time to that first heartbeat ultrasound, and then to that hopeful 12 week u/s, and onward to viability, etc, then that’s fine! Take it one day at a time, and be forgiving of yourself. Best of luck.
Anon
You guys are the greatest. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear from others who have been through it, and that no matter what happens, everything will be ok.
Anonymous
I was in your shoes twice and found the internet helpful in this way:
http://icanhas.cheezburger.com/
gofugyourself.com
anything pet shaming
damnyouautocorrect.com
It just took my mind off of heavy things. Or at least until the week 5 scan and the week 8 scan and later when I felt I could finally exhale.
Good luck!
Anon
I was trying to think how to put this and I think this post sums it up pretty well. I have never had a miscarriage, but I know SO many people who have, so when I got pregnant the risk was at the forefront of my mind. We told family and close friends by 8 weeks, work by 13, and did the whole public announcement around 17 weeks. Until 17 weeks, I pretty much went about my life as usual (with the typical dietary changes). The routine gave me some comfort that life would keep going no matter what happened and helped distract me from a lot of the worrying.
Anonymous
My OB said that until I left the hospital with a baby that I’d never really let go of the what-iffs and so some extent it was true. But it did put things in perspective: the stuff was not important. The baby-as-accessory stuff just got tuned out. Time slowed down and I learned to be really present in exactly the moment I was in. The mandatory stuff in my life got done and the rest was turned over to fuzzy kittens on the interwebs (and I am not really a cat person) and questionable celebrity fashions.
I've been there
I’ve been in your shoes and, honestly, I worried through pretty much the entire pregnancy. For me one of the toughest parts of pregnancy is not having any evidence on a daily basis that things are still OK. My husband, knowing how much I gravitate towards facts and figures, actually pulled some statistics for me that showed that the chances of your next pregnancy after a miscarriage going to term are very good. I don’t recall the actual statistics but I found this comforting. Also, I think this is where people like Mark Zuckerberg talking publicly about prior miscarriages is so so helpful. Once I started to find out how many of our friends with children had also had early miscarriages it gave me a lot of hope that what I went through was not uncommon, but that those people still ended up with beautiful children in the end.
Happy
So happy for you! I had a miscarriage in January and was devastated. We found out in March that I was pregnant again, and now we are about a month away from meeting our first child. I haven’t stopped worrying, either, so I understand how you feel. It helped me to read statistics on how many pregnancies are successful after an initial early miscarriage (it’s a lot). It also helped me to reach milestones that I didn’t reach with the first pregnancy– heartbeat appointment, being able to feel the baby move around for the first time, those things are all very reassuring and have decreased my worry as it progresses. Now, at 8 months, he moves around all the time, which lets me know he’s ok in there. Based on that, my advice is to be thankful and try to be patient (I know it’s easier said than done), and you’ll gradually be more confident that this is really happening and it’s going to be alright. The worry may never go away. But– isn’t that motherhood anyway? :)
lucy stone
Congratulations! I miscarried this spring and hope to be in your shoes soon. I know you’re going to worry, but try to enjoy this. One of my coworkers miscarried last fall and just gave birth to her first yesterday.
CKB
I’ve been there too. Pregnancy after a loss is hard. I tried to relax and not worry about things I couldn’t change but I also found it helped me to focus on positive things I could do, like eating right, trying to get some exercise, and generally take care of myself the best I could, but not obsessively. Good luck!
Anon for this
I had a miscarriage last year and finally got pregnant again. I’m about 10.5 weeks in and feeling really optimistic finally. I think it’s natural to feel anxious (I did) but you should let yourself be a little bit happier about it every week (my situation may be different because I did IVF so we had weekly ultrasounds measuring progress). Now that we’re further along, I’m feeling much more secure in the pregnancy, but I still get worried that things won’t continue to go well. From what I’ve heard, that’s just normal. I told close friends and family right away (well, in waves) because I wanted support if something went wrong. But I’m looking forward to making a bigger, less reserved announcement later on. It did feel a little sad to me that I didn’t have this unbridled “I’m pregnant!” moment because of the anxiety. But there will be plenty of those moments throughout the pregnancy and at birth. Lots and lots of congratulations and wishing you lots of luck.
Anonymous
I hear you on the announcement. I heard a roar of congrats for my
*** I’m pregnant again and we’ve heard the heartbeat and have 3 different ultrasound pictures and in XX weeks we should have a live baby to show you ***
whispered / e-mailed / etc. ‘fessing up “announcements.”
Maybe you can rock the OMG we have a baby announcement? Or just be too busy b/c OMG you have a baby. Not less of an announcement; just different.
Anon for this
Yes, exactly, I am pretty damn psyched we’ve made it this far. Announcements be damned! :)
Mtia
Asking for dating/meeting people advice while traveling alone:
I travel often to downtown Seattle/Houston and each trip usually includes a weekend or two. I’m interested to try my luck with meeting new people while traveling but I’m stumped as to how and where. I’ve tried siting at the bar instead of at a table but nothing lasting results from it.
Are there venues/restaurants where people are more open to talking to strangers or is that something I need to initiate? I want to be careful being out and about alone at night, but not limit myself.
Any advice or just personal stories appreciated, thanks.
CountC
Honestly, Tinder/Bumble, etc., could work for you here.
Anonymous
Tinder.
Jules
Or meetup, to go out with a group? And if you’ve got some kind of special interest — e.g., a vegetarian meet-up or a soccer fans’ meet-up — you could probably find a group.
Anonymous
Museums and science centres (and art galleries) sometimes have evening events with food/drink and I’ve found the people there very friendly
anon
Hotel bar. At least a 75% chance of getting hit on, higher if the hotel is not super nice. This is why I no longer sit at the bar.
Anonymous
I go to group fitness classes and go eat at restaurant and hotel bars. You have to pick wisely, but there are lots of places where you can strike up a conversation with people next to you. If you want to date, pick Tinder.
NYC
I had to travel for business frequently last year and used Tinder for this if I was just in town for a night or two and just wanted to have someone to eat dinner with (or grab a drink), or I used OkCupid if was I town for a longer period of time (several days or a week). It’s pretty easy to weed out the people who just want to hook up if you chat for a little bit. I’ve also found that men outside of NYC (where I live) are generally nicer and less skeevy, but that’s based on a small sample set. :)
Anonymous
For the third time in 2 weeks, I am the only woman (and the only person under 40, I think) in a meeting of 12-15 executives at my company.
I think it’s been this way for quite some time, but I just got a promo and am now on The Big Meetings. At least the bar for dress code is nice and low (all golf shirts today). It’s probably also the nature of the company, but in thinking about it, the only other 2 people at my level that were female have left the company and were replaced by men.
#leanIn?
anon
RAWR. Go out there and kill it!
senior woman
lean in, but keep your eyes open – a company with no senior women is a huge warning sign, no matter the industry. even if the women before you didn’t leave for any bad reasons (but don’t be so sure the explanations you hear are true…), the lack of senior female advocates for your career interests will likely ultimately matter to you. keep your networks up and always have a plan b.
Anonymous
Oh this company is full of snakes. It’s also filled with woman who leave/ stop performing highly because the senior execs are high travel and work crazy hours. I have a somewhat unique arrangement that makes it more do-able for me and my family, but I also have a back up consulting gig ready to go if/when I want to jump ship.
senior woman
It is exactly the women leaving “because the senior execs are high travel and work crazy hours” story you should be skeptical of. studies show that really not that many women who make it to a certain level actually leave for that sort of reason. they leave because the high travel and crazy hours don’t seem worth it when they look at the limited opportunities they have and the way they are treated. but the story the men tell is always a “lifestyle” story for reasons that are obvious. When I left my last job, I kept having to correct people who would tell me that they understood that I wanted to spend more time with my family or that I didn’t like all the stress and pressure (amusing, because my new job is harder!). I never expected to become this kind of cynical feminist, but years of working in a male dominated industry have made these conclusions undeniable. Networks are key – we senior women need to help and support each other, and many of us (along with some amazing men) are totally committed to it. Good luck!
Anonymous
Fair– but this is actually the story i got from the exiting women, and not the remaining men.
senior woman
I believe it, but what else did you expect them to tell a person they didn’t necessarily even know all that well? if you say: “I am leaving because I deserve more than I am getting” you really have to put yourself out there as somewhat arrogant, not to mention having a gender-based chip on your shoulder. both of these things are hard for women to do – the latter especially hard for the sort of woman who would have chosen a male-dominated industry in the first place. a lot of women publicly fall on their swords, and feel a lot of self-doubt about their ability and toughness, but among close friends, you will be able to piece together a different story.
TBK
Welcome to my world. Despite all the stories out there to the contrary, my experience has been that these older guys often go out of their way to show how not sexist they are. (I’m not saying either that (a) I disbelieve what others have to say about sexism or that (b) these guys don’t still do things that belie unconscious biases against women, just that my personal experience has been that they do try very hard to be welcoming.) I’m going to an event later this year where it will almost assuredly be me and about a dozen old white dudes. It does make me feel a little like a zoo animal sometimes.
Anonymous
Add in the fact that they are all technology dudes and it’s just a merry ol party. I’m on hour 2 of an infrastructure and hardware call.
Stormtrooper
My world, too. Me plus much older white dudes. It can be so alienating, even if they try hard. GO GET ‘EM and definitely #leanin
Anon
As I move closer to my 50’s I am finding that there is a glass ceiling that I either hadn’t seen, admitted or failed to recognize in my earlier years. I actually work in an industry that is about 40% women so its not like there is an absence of women but women are still largely underrepresented in the top positions of the industry. I agree that sometimes women aren’t entirely honest about why they leave a company. But that isn’t just a gender thing. Many people tend to not want to burn their bridges when they leave a position so they try to put the most positive spin on their departure that they can find. If there is any possible way to do that and maintain their network and current connections it is usually done.
senior woman
They don’t call it a glass ceiling for nothing! It’s at the top and hard to notice from below. Gender is still an issue for young women, but less so. and then they start thinking – I don’t know what all of those older women are complaining about! It must be something that happened only in THEIR generation, or maybe they are just whiny. (I know this was my view). Then they get more senior themselves, and boom! I do think young women need to be educated and warned so they can focus on building their networks and fortresses from the beginning. And, by the way, I made a point to risk burning some bridges when I left my last job by explicitly raising the gender problems. I did it for the good of the women I left behind. But you are right that that was contrary to a lot of advice.
Anon
Be on the lookout for junior women you can promote and bring in!
Sweet Potatoes?
Any recommendations for a nut-free (or nut-optional) sweet potato dish side dish?
There’s a sweet potato side dish my husband makes for Thanksgiving that is fabulous; however 1) it has nuts and one guest is allergic and always bummed that he can’t eat it, 2) My husband isn’t around to make it, and 3) I can’t find the stinkin’ recipe! It’s on a printed loose sheet of paper and seems to have wandered away from its normal home.
Anon
I make maple roasted sweet potatoes and they have always been a big hit (even with picky toddlers, oddly enough). Basically just dice potatoes and toss them with EVOO and maple syrup and some spices (I usually do garlic, chili powder, paprika, and onion powder, but you could also do rosemary or thyme).
Anonymous
I make this one for Thanksgiving: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/sweet-potato-and-cranberry-hash.html
It’s sweet, savory, and has cranberries so it’s Thanksgiving-appropriate.
ALX emily
http://www.budgetbytes.com/2015/01/smoky-roasted-sweet-potatoes/
SF in House
This is a Thanksgiving staple for us: http://www.marthastewart.com/314349/orange-ginger-sweet-potato-puree
Out of Place Engineer
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/235662/sweet-potato-crunch-casserole/
Omit the pecans from the topping. It will still be delicious!
anon
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/gratin-of-sweet-potatoes-and-bourbon-105395
Anonymous
my good friend just got married earlier this year. we went to their wedding (destination) and had a lovely time, I didn’t quite get enough time with the bride as I would have liked (no photos of us together at her wedding or reception), but we had a wonderful trip. due to the cost of travel & no wedding registry (that I could find), we got them a card.
they are having a baby (it happened quick), and I’m invited to the shower. they are registered for a few things, but not a lot and no clothing. normally I stick to things on the registry, but I’d like to get a bigger item (as a joint wedding/baby gift) or a smaller item and supplement with other baby stuff (she has no clothing on the registry) like clothes, books, and cute stuff.
Should I do this and just get gift receipts?
Anonymous
I think whatever you want to do here is fine. Def include gift receipts and, if possible, I’d buy from the store she registered at.
Anonymous
I’d do clothes and then a gift card to wherever they are registered to purchase something bigger. You can even write a cute note for the gift card, but I’d imagine returning things would be a hassle.
ace
I like this idea. I found it was hard to find clothes to register for (weirdly), so we got a ton of clothes off-registry at a baby shower. Consider getting some bigger clothes (6 mos & up) as kiddos will quickly outgrown NB or 0-3 month clothes.
2 Cents
+1 to this. I usually get clothing for when the baby will be 9 months (keeping in mind what the temp will be that time of year) because they outgrow the baby-baby clothes SO quickly and mom will be grateful she doesn’t have to drop everything to find new clothes that fit the child.
ChiLaw
This advice is so good! Surprisingly, in a colder climate, I found baby could wear all her clothes, regardless of season — layers. But then we moved to California in the summer, and she has a whole pile of never worn long sleeve onesies and pants in the size she was over the summer. So think about seasonality! And basically no one gave her clothes over size 9mos, so I’ve had to start shopping for her. Not complaining, but it makes me think basics in a bigger size might be a great gift.
Also, I didn’t register for many clothes because I knew that people would give them anyway. It wasn’t that I didn’t need them, just that I didn’t need to direct people to them!
A lot of people gave us gift cards to the place we registered for — it was great and let us use our registry discount + gift cards to get big ticket items.
Anon
+1 I always get a 6-9 month outfit, and usually will get something more in the 9-12 month range. It seems like people always forget that the baby grows and the parents end up with 1000 newborn and 0-3 month outfits the kid never wears.
Anonymous
Or the baby just skips the 0-3 month size and needs the 6 mths size from day 1.
#myfriendshavebigbabies
Anon
Another option is to bring something small to the shower and then wait until after the baby has been around for 6-ish weeks and call up the mom. Say “what do you need?” or “what didn’t you get?” Friends had a summer baby this year and then realized their house was drafty in the mornings but didn’t have any long sleeve onesies because they hadn’t thought to register for any. I picked up a few sets in different sizes and sent them along.
New moms especially don’t know exactly what they will need. She could register for a dozen Avent bottles but kiddo only takes some other kind. Or kiddo is a super-spitter-upper and they just need stuff that can be bleached instead of the cute things they got at the shower.
winter vacation
Recommendations for winter vacation spots, ideally somewhere within a few hours’ flight from NYC? Young couple, no kids. We were thinking Montreal maybe, somewhere wintery and romantic. Any ideas appreciated!
Stormtrooper
Quebec City
Clementine
YES!
Stay at the Chateau Fronterac.
Anonymous
Should be Frontenac, in case you’re searching.
Senior Attorney
YES! I just got back from a fabulous stay at the Chateau Frontenac and it was fabulous! We ate so much great French food and drank so much wine and “wintery and romantic” describes it perfectly. It was really like a little trip to France!
In Montreal we stayed at the St.-Martin Hotel Particuleur and it was unexpectedly fabulous, although apart from the Basilica (which was amazing and totally worth the trip) I found Montreal to be not quite as fabulous as Quebec City.
Anonymous
Montreal for sure, but also consider Quebec Coty, which I find more charming, or even closer to home at Mohonk Mountain House if you’re looking for a cuddle by the fire type weekend.
ChiLaw
Yes! QC is so romantic!
When you stop looking...
As a single lady in her mid 20’s I repeatedly hear the “when you stop looking you’ll find someone” comments from people my age and older. Do you guys believe that to be universally true? I feel like I only hear that from people already in relationships (however those who say that seem really happy and content from the outside at least). I feel like I keep meeting the same guys (ambitious, attractive, treats me well, but not mature enough for a relationship or unclear with what they what – or even already in a relationship!) so I feel like taking a hiatus. However, the desire to want a relationship is still there so I’m conflicted. Any advice??
Anonymous
I kind of hate that advice, because, yes – you only hear it from people who are actually in a couple, so you are getting a biased sample :) And you’ll also get the “Stop looking” and “Be open to relationships” advice at the same time, which always feels a little contradictory to me. I’ve not looked for about 5 years and…haven’t found someone.
I choose to interpret this as interacting with the world on your own terms, and not as a means to finding a relationship. Do the things you like (that get you out of the house and interacting with people) because you like them and not because it will be a place to find a romantic relationship.
And I also interpret the people saying this as coming from a “I have no idea what actions lead me to meeting this person and have nothing terribly constructive to say because it’s all kind of a crapshoot/numbers game/right place, right time situation, but I want to be supportive, so here’s an oft-repeated platitude” place. Which is usually a place of love, but not helpful at all.
KateMiddletown
This made me laugh! Thanks for
“And I also interpret the people saying this as coming from a “I have no idea what actions lead me to meeting this person and have nothing terribly constructive to say because it’s all kind of a crapshoot/numbers game/right place, right time situation, but I want to be supportive, so here’s an oft-repeated platitude” place. Which is usually a place of love, but not helpful at all.”
TBK
I don’t think that’s true at all. Or, maybe it happened for some people but I don’t think it’s a universal truth. If you find you keep winding up with the same types of (unsuitable) guys, however, you might consider investigating why that happens. This isn’t the answer for everyone, but I was really struggling with dating and very much wanted a committed relationship and so I wound up seeing a therapist for awhile. My view was that, hey, either it turns out I’m doing nothing wrong and so I’m just the same as I am now, or I find out there’s something getting in my way and I can deal with that and move on — no real down side. Turns out I did have some things to work on and within six months I met my now-husband. Not saying it’s a panacea, but if you’re seeing the same pattern over and over again, sometimes it’s worth seeing if there’s something there.
TO Lawyer
TBK, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that story. I remember you sharing it before and to be perfectly honest, it was on my mind when I finally decided to see a therapist about a year ago when I was so unhappy with how things were going. I ended up meeting my current boyfriend about 3-4 months after that. I don’t know if things will work out but working on yourself is never a bad idea.
TBK
So glad to hear that! I worry it comes across as “if you’re single there’s something wrong with you” but I also think that saying over and over again “I just haven’t met the right one yet” can prevent you from dealing with barriers that are keeping you from what you want. I guess I figured after almost 10 years (college + post college + law school+big firm) of being surrounded almost exclusively by men my own age and at my own education/intelligence level, if I hadn’t found someone in that group, I was probably doing something wrong.
Emmer
+1. I don’t think it’s good advice to say stop looking for a relationship, but perhaps stop looking for a specific set of criteria in a guy if that hasn’t been working for you.
2 Cents
+1 yes! I ended up marrying a guy who I would have never looked at before (or found) because I let go of my preconceived notions of what I thought I wanted/needed in a relationship. We met online, but I approached online dating with “anyone who shows interest who doesn’t look like an ax murderer deserves a chance.” Instead of the Justin Timberlake lookalike who’s a bad boy and works in a fast-paced career that I thought I wanted, I ended up deliriously happy with a short, dark Italian schoolteacher who is one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.
(And I’m a fan of online dating, obviously, but I also recommend having your most critical friend — the one who tells you how you really look in that dress — help you fill out your profile.)
CountC
+1 Timing is everything, but timing is also dependent on who you are as a person. What I mean is, I wasn’t looking, but I also had gotten myself to a place mentally where I am the healthiest I have ever been and most mature emotionally, so when something popped up that I could never have expected, all of the pieces fell immediately into place. The reasons we are as compatible as we are and why things have moved quickly is because of where we both are in our lives. We wouldn’t have been able to make that connection had I not had as much therapy as I did over the last 5 years or so.
Anonymous
Date slightly older guys?
You are still really young, and yes — many young, successful men your age don’t want to commit yet.
But I do agree with just going out and doing things you enjoy doing, and take the pressure off a little on finding the perfect guy/long term relationship. Sometimes when you are your most relaxed self, you put off your best first impression.
But I HATE when people give me those cliche catch phrases. No, of course they are not universally true. Ugh… mental slap to their cheeks. And I’ll be honest…. it is sometimes harder for some of us than others to find those great relationships. It can take work.
Anon
In my case it was true, though I didn’t really have the mindset of “I’m going to stop looking for someone” as much as I had the mindset of – “I’m starting grad school, for a career I’m excited about, and I’m tired of loser guys taking up too much of my time. I’m not going to date, I’m going to focus on classes and extracurriculars.” And then I sat down next to my now husband in one of our first classes in the fall. So I think it’s more of a platitude that you should focus on yourself and keeping yourself full, and busy, and happy without a partner.
Anonymous
Agreed! And also not jumping into relationships with people who aren’t the right person – just because you don’t want to be alone. If you’re open to what comes, but not actively chasing every lead, I think you have a different perspective on who to get involved with.
A from Boston
I’m actively employing this approach right now. I really, really like the guy I’m seeing right now, but I’m not rushing to get into any kind of exclusive, “official” relationship just yet. I want to head in that direction, but I also want us to be sure we’re right for each other, and that neither one of us is just settling for the only viable option for the time being.
Anon
I am the type to look nice all the time for my own sake and not give two sh*ts about others’ opinions. Which inevitably lead me to giving up on men. I found a guy for s*xy times and then accepted my singledom. Turns out booty call stayed to watch tv one night and my fate was sealed. I’m not saying this is always the case but I do think there is something appealing in someone who is okay with themselves.
Anon
It happened to me. I was in grad school at the time and had essentially made the rule for myself that I would push my boundaries and attend almost everything I got invited to, more so that I wouldn’t miss out on experiences (hello FOMO!), and less so I would meet a guy. I met my husband at a NYE party that was mostly couples. Honestly when we met he was still sort of in party-mode, which didn’t work for my lifestyle at the time (getting ready to start a professional career). I was explicitly honest with him early on that if this was the lifestyle he wanted, it wasn’t going to work out, and he chose to settle down. To be clear, I didn’t ask him to change (that doesn’t work!), just told him if this was the path he was staying on, I was leaving. He has said multiple times that the party lifestyle was getting old and he needed a reason to give it up.
Calico
I don’t believe that advice about “when you stop looking.” The one phrase that I do agree with is “do what you love.” I have known so many couples who have met doing what they love. A friend met her husband on a Habitat for Humanity excursion. Another at a play. I met mine in a small town full of hardcore people who love this particular area. (Think rock climbing, hiking, outdoor excursions,etc). We were both from the same big city but were each frequently spending weekends out there. Now we have a vacation home there.
August
+1.
Senior Attorney
+1
I met Gentleman Friend at my Rotary Club, and then it turned out we were both subscribers/donors at our local theatre. We both love doing community service and going to the theatre, and now we get to do those things together!
Anonymous
Yes, actually. Any time I’ve met someone I ended up dating, I wasn’t actively looking for a partner, he just came into my life and I was like “yes, I like this one.” In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been both single and “looking.” Never joined a dating site or attended a singles’ event, and the only time I went to a bar hoping to to get laid was when I had a huge crush on the magician performing there; I’ve just never seen the need to “go out and get a man,” I’ve just met people through friends at parties, or through various hobbies.
a naan
I really hope that “magician” is not a typo, because that sounds awesome.
But more to the point, I’ve only ever met anyone with staying power when I’ve been actively looking. But I give myself breaks, because dating can be exhausting (says the introvert for whom even going out and doing something she loves in a group with other people will take days to mentally recuperate from)!
Anonymous
Nope. I found someone because I looked for it. Online dating really works! :) People say a bunch of platitudes about dating to make you feel better – the truth is that sometimes you will meet people without trying, and sometimes you won’t. It really depends on your social life. I certainly wasn’t meeting people without putting forth effort.
jane
Definitely not true for me. Furthermore, I’m pretty embarrassed that I followed this advice throughout my 20s. In no other realm are we told not to advocate for ourselves. (Can you imagine hearing the advice ‘don’t look for a new job, you’ll find one when you least expect it’?) I’m recently married for the first time at age 38 as a direct result of, about 5 years ago, deciding to look for love.
Calico
What a great point! I had never thought of it that way before.
christineispink
not terribly romantic but i’ve had both my mom say (who is still happily enough married to my dad for 35 years) and read in various places (and advocated to my friends) that if you really want to be in a relationship and/or get married you should treat it like a job search. the person you choose to partner up with is one of the biggest economic decisions of your life and it seems very illogical to decide to leave ALL of it up to chance (not saying economics should be the deciding factor but you should put the same amount of time and care and research – including getting to know the partner – as you would into choosing a career, selecting companies you want to work for, etc.). likewise with a job search, i advocate telling everyone you know (within appropriate-for-you boundaries, for me it was friends and family and select work friends) what you are looking for (a someone or a relationship) (maybe they have someone great in mind but never wanted to offend you).
Scarlett
Not even a little bit true. Finding someone is ultimately a numbers game/ happens precisely because you are looking. Zero percent of my friends who “aren’t looking” ended up in relationships and are single (many of them happily so, because that’s what they want) and my friends who are looking or were looking actively (myself included) ended up in relationships. Some better relationships than others, but still you have to date to get to a relationship and to date means you have to be looking. It’s like the old saying – you have to play the lottery to win the lottery.
Killer Kitten Heels
Yeah, nope. I found my spouse on a dating website, when we were both actively looking, like everyone else on every dating website. People who “stopped looking” and found someone are usually kind of lying, in my experience – like, what they actually did was decide to stop revolving their entire social world around finding a relationship and instead threw their energy into stuff they could actually control, like work or school or hobbies or volunteerism or whatever – so basically, “oh, I stopped looking” really meant “I stopped fixating on finding someone awesome and instead made being awesome myself my first priority.”
Jellybean
Re online dating, think of it this way: Today everyone is so wrapped up in their careers/own lives that it’s not only nearly impossible to meet someone randomly in person, but also a large amount (maybe even the majority) of guys in your dating age-range aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship. The ones who are most likely use online (including mobile) dating sites, and that causes them not to approach you in person. Why really put yourself out there by going over and introducing yourself when you can just sit back and swipe?
I’m also in my mid-twenties, met the guy I’m currently in a relationship with online, and advocate online dating to all of my friends that are interested in being in a relationship. I know your question was not about online dating, but I guess my point is that I feel like it’s so prominent now that if you’re not online, you’re not truly “looking” – not sure whether you’re online or not.
As to your actual question, I think the short answer is no. As others have said, if there’s something you want, you gotta go after (look for) it. I know how exhausting dating/looking can be, though, and I’d encourage you to take breaks as needed. I just wouldn’t take a hiatus thinking it was going to be a catalyst to meeting someone (never know, though!)
That said, I’m not implying you do this, but I have seen friends (and have been guilty myself of) forcing relationships that are just wrong. Based on my own and some of my friends’ experience, people find the right person when they stop forcing things with the wrong people.
Seattle advice needed
Ladies
Thanks to all who replied yesterday….posting again to get more advice.
Friends are moving to Seattle from overseas.
1. They are looking for good school districts ( they have a preschooler and an elder kid in grade 4/5). Advice?
2. Also, their housing budget is 2-2.5k. What can they expect to rent with this, in the good school districts?
Thanks
Ex-Islander
I recommend Bainbridge Island. Great schools. I believe you can rent on their budget, too.
Definitely worth a shot.
Ex-Islander
Also, lots of parks and community activities. A ferry ride from downtown Seattle.
cbackson
I used to live on the island, and loved it. It was a bit tough without kids, but it would actually be a great place to move to with children, because it’s very family-centric and it would provide lots of opportunities for meeting people via youth/family activities.
That budget might be a bit tight, but the island is big and I feel like there would be options in that price range.
Sigh. I miss it. Loved Bainbridge.
Coach Laura
Best school districts in the area are (from memory/personal knowledge – others may have different opinion): Mercer Island, Bellevue, Lake Washington, Northshore, Shoreline, Burien, Renton. And the average rents are probably ranked in that order too. For $2000, they might *might* be able to find a 2-br townhouse or apartment in Bellevue.
I would advise starting from where the office is and working out from that to minimize commute. As cbackson said yesterday, commuting in Seattle is a horror. If working in Bellevue, Redmond or Kirkland, I’d look at something in Lake Washington School district, that would be a reasonable commute.
Shadow
+1 Northshore and Bellevue are great districts.
Issaquah school district is also good, though not sure about rent out there. You can live closer to or in Bellevue and still be in the Issaquah school district if Issaquah is outside your budget.
OP
Thanks, ladies.
Annie
I don’t have kids, and don’t know the school districts that well, aside from Eastside tends to be better. If I were them, I would prioritize an easy commute, and find a good school district near their office.
If they work downtown, I’d find a place either near a park-and-ride for an express bus or near the Sounder Train.
Coach Laura
+1
Anonymous
A co-worker’s father who is very well respected in an industry I want to go into recently sent my resume to some of his contacts because for various reasons both the co-worker and father are strongly supportive of me leaving my current job to be in a healthier work atmosphere. I have already sent a thank-you letter to the father for even looking at my resume,but he absolutely refuses to let me take them both out to lunch or dinner. Is there any way to thank him other thank kicking ass at any place I might end up?
Also I got a phone call from one of those contacts (the managing principal for my large city of a nationwide company ) today asking to set up lunch or drinks with me. What should I expect from a meeting like this? Obviously I will be researching him and the firm immensely prior to the meeting. Should I bring my resume? Should I tell him why my work environment is so unhealthy/ if he brings it up what should I say? Thanks for any advice!
mascot
1) A thank you note is fine for now.
2) Treat this as an informal interview. He’s likely got a copy of your resume already and you will be in front of him to tell him what he needs to know. You can always have a copy tucked in a bag. Come up with reasons why you want to move companies that aren’t “the hours are bad and the people are crazy” Interviews are not the time to bad-mouth your current employer.
Anon
+1 to all of this. I would definitely have a copy of your resume, but don’t offer it unless it becomes clear he doesn’t have it. You can always phrase it as your current company isn’t a good fit because you want to do different work/learn something new/don’t feel you have opportunity to grow there. Most people know this means your current company sucks, but it is a graceful way to say it.
Anon
You don’t need to thank someone with a gift for connecting you. Just a verbal thanks.
You could have your resume printed in your bag in case asked, but I think standard practice (what I’ve experienced) would be for the person to ask you to email your resume at the end of the lunch/drinks.
I think something like this is about getting to know the other person. Don’t let it go on too long, maybe 30 minutes or 60 tops if it’s lunch? I’d try to steer it away from lunch towards coffee/drinks if I could.