Monday’s Workwear Report: Ava Blouse

314 Comments

1. Reposting from this weekend. Many thanks to those who have already commented!
   For those who have done biglaw: What did you look for in picking your firm? I have a couple of great offers to choose between and aside from just general ~vibes~ I’m not sure how to evaluate/decide. They all seem kind of the same? Of course, all are strong in my preferred practice area

   1. I selected based on general vibes and never regretted it. Office size also played a role – I wanted a big office with several practice areas, as someone who wasn’t sure what kind of law I wanted to practice. One thing I did not consider was other office locations. Years down the road when I wanted to leave NYC, that was something I slightly regretted, as some firms had offices in my target, smaller market but mine did not.

   2. I think it kind of is just vibes. I split my 2L summer in Houston back when that was a thing, so I ended up with two offers, and I chose the firm where I liked the people better. Since you’re going to be spending 10+ hours per day with them, you should like at least some of them (particularly the partners you’d be working for). Also, there are sometimes some red flags you can avoid, like lots of recent mergers, lots of changes in leadership, or lots of turnover among junior/midlevel associates.

      1. Hi, also big law in Houston. Splitting was the best and I feel so bad for people who can’t do it anymore!

         1. Same (not in Houston though).

   3. This is hard because they are in some ways completely interchangeable but also can have significant differences in culture. All will have pretty terrible work-life balance. Some firms operate much more like academic ivory towers and others are more pragmatic/commercial/commoditized. I think there can be a significant difference between and eat what you kill firm versus lockstep (but not sure there are many true lockstep firms left). I valued flexibility in work assignments rather than a strict rotation system, but that’s personal preference. The question of whether there are any screamers/stapler throwers tends to be a practice group specific problem and there’s no good way to suss that out in the controlled environment of interviews unless you know trusted insiders.
      I ultimately thinks “vibes” is actually the best way to make that decision, once all other significant factors are equal. Do you click with the people? Can you have a social conversation? Have they demonstrated any interest in you as a human? What is the unofficial reputation of that firm amongst other law students? You’re about to spend a lot of time with these people if all goes well so I think the human element should ultimately control.

   4. Yes, there’re likely all the same at least in the first few years so evaluating the following would be important for me, since summer internships a way for you and the firm to try each other out before committing to the long haul:
      Decent representation of female partners
      BIPOC employees in leadership roles
      Billable requirements
      Commitment to pro bono

   5. I looked for
      – senior female associates/partners in my preferred practice group
      – general laid back attitude (I was put off by humorless and/or arrogant interviewers)
      – a firm that seemed flexible with WFH and minimal face time requirements (pre-COVID).

   6. Is anyone above a 4th year associate a mom? Then look for the spectrum: kids of school age? Kids who can read? Kids in middle school? Kids who can drive? In college? Working lawyer grandma? What you see and don’t see is the canary in the coal mine on most issues. Also, look for women with kids — the second kid seems to be the bill most careers die on.

      1. Thanks for this advice! Any suggestions on how to evaluate this?

         1. Look at pictures in offices and look for volunteering / community involvement in website bios. Is the person on the board of Country Day? Probably a parent of a school-aged kid.

            1. Why is this in mod?

      2. While important, it’s unlikely that most people will ever work in biglaw long enough for this to matter. I agree with the others, vibes matter, so does an actual presence in the area you want to practice in. I’d avoid offers for general litigation and go where you have better in-house off-ramps (ie., transactional work and employment law).

      3. While important, it’s unlikely that most people will ever work in biglaw long enough for this to matter. I agree with the others, vibes matter, so does an actual presence in the area you want to practice in. I’d avoid offers for general litigation and go where you have better in-house off-ramps (ie., corporate work and employment law).

   7. Areas where firms diverge that can have a real impact on associate $$$:

      If you’re planning to go into a high hours practice (I.e. not super regulatory or tax), is there any bonus bonus for going above and beyond the hours requirement and being a high biller?

      Does the firm’s 401k allow for mega Backdoor Roth?

      If you want kids, are there fertility benefits?

      If you’re in a high travel practice, how does the firm handle travel time? Billable? Non-billable? If the later, what does that mean for bonus eligibility?

   8. In my experience, it comes down to the people and the vibes you’re getting.

      In your preferred practice group in the specific office, ask about team size per case and how work is allocated. Re culture, ask about the men to women ratio, and consider how many of those women are partners as compared to the number of senior associates versus junior associates. You can also ask whether women and men take their full parental leave time, and whether anyone works part time – I think all are indicative of the firm culture (to the extent they give you straight answers, of course).

      That said, I’d suggest that you wait to drill into some of these questions (ie part time work, who takes leave) until after you get the offer. During the callbacks, you want to appear focused on the work and not as concerned with work life balance (which is obviously important- but get the offer first!).

      1. Totally get this! Fortunately I have offers and am prepping to go back for second looks

   9. well i went on vibes/people and like 75% of the people I interviewed with and really liked left between when I accepted my offer and when I started and then the vibe felt different. if you think there is any chance of you moving to a different city while still in Big Law see where else they have offices. talk to students who spent this past summer there. idk if there is any way to really identify this, but how did the firm treat people in the height of the pandemic?

      1. Here are a few things I would consider in evaluating between offers that I posted last night, plus a few more:
         1) What is the partner compensation structure? Is it eat what you kill? Black box? This is the single most important factor and literally everything about culture flows from financial compensation.
         2) How are associates evaluated? Do associates get informal evaluations during the year or is it limited to annual reviews? What measures do they have in place to ensure that associates are not unfairly victims of implicit bias?
         3) What are they doing about remote work versus return to office? There is a huge difference between firms (and unofficially between offices) on this. I personally think there’s a lot to be said for both models – just find the one that feels right to you.
         4) How many female senior associates and partners are there?
         5) Are there any men on part time schedules?

         Source: I am an equity litigation partner in a BigLaw firm.

         1. I agree with all of this, especially number 1. It’s not something associates often focus on but how partners are compensated drives their behavior, which ultimately drives culture.

            Signed, another biglaw equity partner

            1. Number one is really interesting! What can I infer from black box vs eat what you kill??

            2. Eat what you kill tends to lead to sharp elbows. If someone has to give up financial credit to bring someone else into the relationship, don’t expect them to do that. Don’t expect partners to bring you into relationships.

               Black box is well a black box. I personally think black box systems lead to women being underpaid. Women tend to lose when there isn’t transparency

               To me the important question is what is included in considering compensation. Even if not a perfect proxy of how comp is actually calculated, what is included in partner comp memos can tell you a lot. If you aren’t measuring it (by it being a question in determining comp), then you don’t value it and people act accordingly.

         2. another biglaw equity partner here – i wouldn’t ask number 1 if you don’t know what you would do with the info or why it’s important to you. a student asked me a similar question in an interview recently and it was quite awkward, he didn’t seem to know why he was asking and I thought it was an odd thing for a 2L to ask me; it kind of threw off the flow of the interview.

            1. If you already have an offer, I think it’s fair game to ask the question: How are partners compensated, and how does that affect the culture here? You don’t have to understand all of the intricacies of the system to get a good answer to that question. And if a partner can’t answer that question, you shouldn’t go to that firm. In my experience, eat what you kill leads to sharp elbows and can (often does) create the kind of toxic culture that people hate. A black box model can be much “nicer” but potentially risks underpaying women and people of color. I like the idea of asking about what is included in compensation. Do partners get compensated for things like mentoring, developing young associates, engaging in affinity groups, leading professional development? How so? How is that measured?

   10. To add to some of the great ideas already provided, I would ask about secondment opportunities with clients, specifically how many associates have been seconded recently (last year, last few years), how they are chosen, what clients, and how bonus compensation is handled during secondment.

       1. I’d be careful on this one; if a student asked me this I would wonder if they are looking for an exit ramp/opportunity to turn the job into a jumping off point for in-house. (Which is fine and can be true and I get it, just would strike me as odd in an interview.) But my Big Law firm is a little weird about secondments.

   11. You may want to look and see how many of the mid to senior associates are homegrown versus laterals. If the original associates all leave by the fourth or fifth year and the firm is only surviving by recruiting laterals, then you will probably leave sooner and under worse circumstances than you would at some other firms. Source: I was the longest tenured woman in my associate class when I finally left, 35 months in. And equally, my friends who made partner have by and large done so at their one and only firm.

2. Wow this is stunning!

   Does anyone have a fave *supportive* white sneaker? I love the look of my Vejas but even with a supportive insole they’re not that comfy and I have a trip coming up where I’ll be doing 10+ miles of walking a day so need something that feels good. But also that looks cute.

   1. So not really a rec, but I see the brand Cariuma advertised a lot and they look super cute, but I haven’t tried them — wondering if anyone else here has tried them and if they are comfortable?

      1. I have them and they’re very comfortable. I will say that walking 10+ miles, especially on consecutive days, would make my feet hurt no matter what. At that level of walking I’d recommend bringing a few different pairs of shoes if possible.

   2. I have the Birkenstock white leather sneakers and they are very comfortable and supportive. I have had good luck with Vionic sneakers in the past, but when I was looking earlier this year I just didn’t love any of their options.

      1. Agreed. Like the Birkenstock sneakers!

   3. These are so comfy, so so comfy.
      https://us.ecco.com/ecco-soft-7-womens-sneaker-0737431676138.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjw3eeXBhD7ARIsAHjssr-JA_n18Ke3JVzDVEF7IIjOxhz5Q9UDQbLBSDlUDFRMBh8AbdAF6OIaAkIGEALw_wcB

   4. Related question, any recs for a cute, comfy sneaker (white or otherwise) with a bigger toe box? I’ve realized that my too narrow ked’s and Coke Haan slip ins are causing problems. I’ve already ruled out Allbirds. Thanks!

      1. I wear Altras.

      2. Look at the Ecco’s linked above by someone.

   5. I just ordered the Adidas Superstars – those and Stan Smiths are meant to be great for this. I run in Adidas Solarglides so I know the general shape they make their shoes fits me

   6. Nike daybreak

   7. Naturalizer Morrison. Like walking on clouds, but still supportive–perfect for travel. The run a little wider in the toe box which is great for blisters.

      1. I don’t think the footbed has a ton of arch support—I’d swap in a running shoe type footbed.

3. Potential causes for severe, persistent brain fog? Sleep apnea, depression…what else? I need to help a relative chase this down – their patronizing physician’s like, “Oh, that’s just life as a woman over 50 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” – I will strangle you, dude.

   This relative never wakes up feeling rested even if she sleeps 8-10-12 hours, has a family history of depression but she’s on Zoloft (not saying it’s working or right for her), can’t muster the energy to do anything more than scroll on her phone most days (she’s retired). She eats like absolute crap – junk food all day – and doesn’t exercise, so those are clearly a factor, but I’m wondering about chicken and egg here.

   Thanks for any ideas. She recently had bloodwork done and everything was good – even cholesterol and blood sugar, which was surprising given her diet, and Vitamin D, given her lack of going outside and doing things.

   1. This is how I felt on lexapro, so consider drug side effects. Switching to wellbutrin made an amazing difference in my energy level.

      1. Second this.
         Also this may be included in blood work, but check iron levels, this sounds like my iron deficiency.

      2. Seconding this. I’ve definitely felt this way on certain medications, that would be the first place I’d look.

      3. Just coming to say that this is how I felt on Wellbutrin. Body chemistry and drug interactions are crazy.

   2. Has she had COVID? The three items in a long COVID diagnosis are low blood pressure, muscle aches, and brain fog. The brain fog appears to be similar to chemo brain fog and may respond to some of the same treatments.

      1. +1

         When I got COVID, my brain fog was intense and lasted a long time. Now I get it every once in a while. I’ve heard, anecdotally, though, that it can be persistent in some people long after COVID.

      2. This sounds like long COVID to me – get in a long COVID clinic asap and try diet and exercise solutions.

         1. I honestly thought diet and exercise weren’t working well for long COVID (and that exercise therapy was counterproductive).

            1. You are right. If Long Covid is suspected, then exercise can be harmful.

   3. My sister is bipolar and has similar issues when on her meds, which include antidepressants. Have antidepressant side effects been ruled out as the cause?

   4. If she’s had covid, is there any chance she now has POTS? I did pre-covid and it really saps your energy/brain power in pretty insidious ways. A few things that I’ve done now that it is finally seen as a real issue (thanks for that covid!) – look into ‘mast cell activation’ syndrome. It’s pretty easy to add daily quercetin and a histamine blocker to see if it helps (it has been a huge game changer for me). I also find eating smaller meals with more protein and fewer simple carbs helps as does gentle exercise (walk) after meals to help stave off the utter exhaustion/brain fog that used to take me out in the afternoons.

   5. Has she had a sleep study?
      But my first bet would be the zoloft side effects. I had similar side effects with a different medication. I’m fine on wellbutrin.

   6. The food and exercise angle is actually huge, not just a factor.

      1. Junk food all day and no exercise will do it….that’s the root cause, not just a factor.

         1. I guess. Some people eat junk food all day and don’t exercise and seem fine, so I would still want to know the “root cause” of why I have to eat healthy and exercise just to function.

         2. +1000

         3. Spoken like somebody who’s never dealt with depression!

         4. You don’t know that.

      2. This–get her blood tested–full panel. Could be thyroid, could be lack of [insert vitamin]. Her doctor needs to take this more seriously or she needs to get another doctor or opinion.

         And if she eats like crap, she needs to gradually wean toward more fruits and veg and whole foods, and cut the sugar.

   7. Based on the fact that she is sleeping a good amount of time but not feeling rested, I would start with a sleep study. That sounds like sleep apnea, which could cause many of the other items.

      As far as “life as a woman over 50”, menopause brain fog is awful, and I have not found any way to combat it.

      1. The thing is, not all women get the brain fog. I’m sympathetic to those who do, and wish there were more effective treatments, but I’m 55 and I haven’t experienced it. So those kinds of generalizations, especially by doctors who should know better, are maddening (not to mention ageist and sexist). OP, your relative should dump that doctor.

   8. I had similar issues and things they looked at were low thyroid, iron level, autoimmune markers, ADHD, depression, sleep study. Ended up being sleep apnea (a sleep study a few years prior had missed but doing it in a lab caught it). There were also some weird autoimmune things. If the primary isn’t helping, find a new primary or push for a neurologist. They can do testing to see if there is a memory issue or attention issue and will also try to rule out some of the things just mentioned.

   9. My friend was like that and it turned out she had narcolepsy.

   10. Also might be worth checking for Lyme disease.

   11. Sounds like a pretty normal consequence of eating junk and not exercising.

       1. Hella yes….and No to the posters above that said people who eat junk food and don’t exercise “seem fine” and why eat healthy and exercise “just to function?”…sorry they don’t know what it’s like to be healthy, full of energy and thriving if they think “just to function” is living a good life. And maybe youll “just function” but you certainly won’t age well.

   12. One of the side effects of Zoloft is that it affects sleep — my son was on it a week and was restless at night so they switched him.

       But the woman over 50 thing is true – perimenopause/menopause changes a LOT because the hormone levels are crazy. See Menopause Manifesto. She mentions it briefly in there, and I’ve read elsewhere, that fiber does a really good job of regulating hormones (and who doesn’t need more fiber in general).

   13. Did they check her thyroid levels?

   14. ‘Missed diagnoses’ by Dr Byron Hyoe will suggest avenues to investigate for fatigue and cognitive impairment.
       Changing medication may help. Environmental factors like mould should be looked into too.
       Meanwhile sublingual B12 and NADH can help reduce symptoms.

   15. Insist on a sleep study. I’m 56 and was exhausted even after 9 hour of sleep. cPAP changed my life.

4. Looking for advice/suggestions for possible cosmetic skin treatments. I had mild/moderate (but persistent) acne as a teen, and eventually did accutane during college, which was really a miracle. As an adult, I do get the occasional pimple, but usually not more than one at a time, and can go weeks without one, so I am generally happy with the accutane results. My issue is skin texture and I’m wondering if there is a treatment that would have good results. The triangle-shaped area of my face, on both sides, that is next to my nose and below my eyes (does not extend to my cheeks though) has really large visible pores and is just kind of… puffy looking? and red. Not sure if it’s scarring (no scars in the traditional sense) from acne or something else, but it never went away with accutane. I use tretinoin now which did improve the texture on my forehead (which can get bumpy at times), but doesn’t seem to have an effect on the redness/puffiness/huge pores on this other particular part of my face. Would some kind of resurfacing treatment help?

   Really appreciate any suggestions!

   1. Is your skin well moisturized and are you wearing sunscreen? I find a big improvement in redness/texture when I reliably use a hydrating serum and moisturizer for several weeks in a row. Also, sunscreen will help with an sun related redness from the retinol you’re using.

      1. Yes, I do moisturize (currently use Tula 24/7 moisturizer at night, and Elemis Marine Cream SPF 30 in the a.m., sometimes followed by supergoop SPF). I also use the Tula moisturizing mask once a week at night.

         I also use Sunday Riley good genes a couple times a week at night.

   2. Have you tried a regular routine of an exfoliant like Paula’s Choice 2% BHA Liquid Exfoliant or The Ordinary Lactic Acid 10% + HA?

      1. If so, as NYC mentioned already, are you moisturizing and using sunscreen religiously?

   3. I have very similar skin to you. Last year, I did 3 sessions of microneedling and 1 laser treatment (done by the medical esthetician at my dermatologist’s office) and am much happier with my skin’s texture. Pores appear smaller, redness is very reduced, it looks more even overall. I am doing 6 more microneedling sessions right now over 6 months to reduce some of my deeper acne scars on my cheeks and forehead.

      1. that’s great! what kind of laser did you get? I’m reading about something called Halo but not sure if it’s legit or worth the enormous expense…

         1. I do Moxi instead of Halo at my derm’s office. Also do BBL. So for the last 18 months,I’ve done 1 Moxi per year and 3 BBLs. I’ve seen a huge reduction in the redness and brown spots on my face. Im also hoping for some anti-aging benefits.
            Moxi is less deep, less painful, and less expensive than Halo (about 40 percent cheaper for me). I went in asking about Halo and the esthetician thought I didn’t need to do Halo based on my age (39) and concerns and thought Moxi would be enough. I’m very pleased.
            Doing lasers means you absolutely need to stay out of the sun and wear sunscreen.

         2. Tbh I have no idea what kind of laser it was, but the session took about a half hour and cost $50 if that info helps.

      2. I had good improvement in skin texture from three sessions of microneedling. My dermatologist recommended returning in one year for a single session. Talk to you dermatologist.

5. Anyone have an advice or commiseration for chronic constipation? I have a note into my doctor and am hoping to be seen. No food or lifestyle changes. Lots of water. No nausea or pain. It’s been going on for about three months and is really frustrating.

   1. Have you tried adding fiber supplements like Metamucil or Citrucel?

      1. +1 or fiber gummies, easier to stomach

   2. DH had sort of sudden onset gut issues (had always been vaguely sensitive but it got problematic in his mid 30s). He added fiver and chia seeds to his diet and cut out caffeine and it was a complete 180. He also feels worse after drinking beer now so switched off that as his default alcohol.

      He does not have a gluten issue though- bread and other glunten-y things don’t both him.

   3. Have you been tested for Celiac? The only symptom I noticed prior to diagnosis was constipation (which I thought just ran in my family, turns out Celiac runs in my family!)

   4. Baby food prunes and pears are delicious and may help do the trick.

   5. It might be simply that with age, you need to change your diet. If you haven’t tried increasing your fiber intake (or OTC supplements), that’s going to be the first thing the doctor tells you do.

   6. New constipation can be a sign of colon or ovarian cancer, so I’d definitely see a doctor. Add fiber and exercise and everything too, but especially if you’re already doing that, make sure there isn’t an underlying issue.

      1. Also, I don’t have this issue, but I take magnesium for another reason and it certainly has the effect you’re looking for, so that could be worth a try if fiber doesn’t help.

         1. +1 Natural Calm is a gentle way to help this. Fiber gummies make me gassy

   7. I love baths and take one most nights, always using Epsom salts…which is magnesium sulfate. I notice a huge difference in a bad way when I’m traveling and can’t take my baths. So if you like baths, pick up a big bag of Epsom salts and enjoy! (I think the bag says like it 1/3 cup or something silly – nah, pour that stuff in! I use plain salts from the bottom shelf in the first aid aisle – cheaper than their perfumed and dyed cousins on the bath aisle.)

      1. +1 to everything here.

   8. I had this and it was the symptom of hypothyroidism. Have you had your thyroid checked? Mine was minor (they call it “subclinical”) which meant that the PCP I saw didn’t want to prescribe meds but an endocrinologist did and a tiny pill taken once a day makes all the difference. For me, I also ran cold and was a little sluggish/slow metabolism, which are also signs of a slow thyroid.

   9. I’ve also had slow motility from subclinical hypothyroidism before. I learned that constipation remedies (e.g. dietary fiber) can make constipation caused by dysmotility significantly worse, so it’s good to see a doctor to know what’s really going on.

   10. This sounds like me. I take Miralax dissolved in water every morning and it makes all the difference. My doctor says there is no reason I can’t stay on it long term and that some people just need a little extra “help” to get things moving.

6. Has anyone been to the Greenbrier since COVID? I went 5+ years ago and remember not going to the main dining room because of the formal dress code and eating a lot at the golf course restaurant because it was less formal (mattered more for men I recall, but also seemed more kid-friendly). Now, people wear white sneakers to everything and pajamas to work (mild exaggeration) and I do t understand fashion, much less what to pack for a trip there. Like for dinner, I can wear real shoes, but will need to pack for kids who are now teens (stuff really not in their current wheelhouse). Spouse can do khakis and polo (assume COVID15 may mean few if any blazers fit) probably? Help!

   1. They publish the dress code. Men need jackets at dinner. No one should be wearing sneakers to dinner.

      1. And The Greenbrier is the oldest of old school, I can’t see them caring about the golden goose sneaker trend.

         1. Agree! Was just there. Their posted dress code is exactly what they enforce

            1. What were people actually wearing? Nap dresses? Yes but not at dinner? Ruffle puffs? What footwear goes with all that if not Golden Gooses? And where is the 2022 bOundary between athletic wear and clothes? It is murky to me, like thesis-worthy.

            2. Espadrilles or other sandals, typically. The ruffle dress and sneakers look in general isn’t as common in the south. Nap dress with sandals and jewelry would be fine.

            3. It’s truly not that hard stop being such a drama.

            4. I guess I’m not sure what’s so murky? Genuinely asking. Women should wear dresses and heels or nice sandals – a nap dress is fine if that’s your thing. The men will wear jackets and ties. Athletic wear and sneakers wouldn’t be the right choices.

            5. Flat form sandals?
               How far into the Lululemon /Athketa spectrum can you get before you go from Athleisure to strict athletic wear?
               Sam Hubbard shoes should be OK but not Stan Smith’s?

               I realize there are nuances but my workplace would move the marker somewhere this place likely wouldn’t (at dinner; agree they do not GAF during the daily and most places other than the main dining room).

               Pretty sure I will see a vintage Juicy tracksuit at work soon as people protest our latest attempt at reopening the office.

            6. If you are struggling this much with the clothing choices, I think this isn’t the resort for you.

            7. +1000 Ypu sound like a slob.

      2. http://greenbrier.com/GreenbrierResort/media/Dining/Documents/DressCode_9.pdf

         I understand the Greenbrier is super luxurious but I don’t know if I’d want to vacation where my clothing is dictated everywhere. Dressing for dinner is one thing, but just walking around and relaxing? I’m already gonna assume everyone there is rich. Tho I’ve always wanted to try falconry.

         1. I agree with you, but I guess you only pack and bring clothes that fit the dress code, and possibly thats your normal style anyways if you’re going there, so its not as rough.

         2. Not sure if *everyone* there is rich, but in my observations of rich people at the gated community where my aunt and uncle live (which as a very similar dress code) – they really don’t go around in athleasuire, ripped denim, sneakers, etc. Around the house casual for both my aunt and uncle is tailored golf shorts and a collared shirt, generally tucked in, worn with loafers or boat shoes. Sure they wear gym clothes to the gym, but then they come home and shower and change.

         3. I mean, it is super expensive, so yes, everyone there is rich and it is super traditional so most people who go there are already the kind of people whose weekend wardrobes are mostly prestige polo shirts or floral dresses. That’s a feature, not a bug.

   2. I was at a very similar hotel (The Homestead, just over the VA border) this summer and the dress codes were unchanged. Main difference from pre-Covid was that on site restaurants had more limited hours.

   3. I would wear what you would have worn there pre-pandemic (button down and blazer for your husband. Dress and nice sandals/wedge sandals/espadrilles for you).

      Old school places like this haven’t (and aren’t going to) jump on the new trends of sneakers being okay everywhere.

      As someone in my 20s, I love athleisure as much as the next person but I’m also glad that formal places still exist, enjoy getting dressed up for the right occasion and hateeeeee when people wear casual clothes to a formal setting.

7. Can anyone speak to the Caraway Home cookware that is being marketed to me everywhere. I do need new cookware, and I am a sucker for a good aesthetic, but also don’t want to fall under the social media spell!

   1. I asked about it here a little while ago because I was getting so many ads, and someone directed me to another blogger that had done a review. A LOT of the comments there basically said the coating wore off fast and it wasn’t worth the money, so I decided to pass. I’ll try to find it and link.

      1. https://www.katheats.com/caraway-cookware-review

         1. Whoa – Kath is still blogging! I followed her way back in 2007-2008 when I was in college.

   2. I bit the bullet and bought some All Clad last year. Nearly every piece is in daily use, I wash in the dishwasher and it looks brand new 9 months in. It cooks like a dream and I have zero regrets.

      (For full disclosure, I have use a cheap Rachel Ray non-stick skillets for eggs and a Le Creuset dutch oven as well. The latter is about 12 years old and in perfect condition as well.)

      1. We’ve had some luck getting gently used All Clad from EBay too. Still works great and cheaper obviously.

   3. Just get some All Clad, one piece at a time. Add one Le Creuset or Staub 5 qt Dutch oven and you’re set for life.

      1. (Agree with the comment above on non-stick. I just buy a new, cheap 8” non stick pan for eggs every couple of years.)

      2. Get a bigger Dutch oven than 5 qt.

8. Has anyone used a life coach in NYC that they would recommend?
   I just have some sort of strategic what-do-I-want-my-life-and-career-to-look-like things I want to talk through. Not with a therapist, but just someone who can be a sounding board and is also vaguely familiar with my professional path. Honestly, kind of like talking to one of y’all but in real life and for a longer chunk of time.

   1. Yes – Lenore Kantor, Growth Warrior. Her website has a lot of info as to services she provides. She will do a ‘discovery’ call with you to see if you mesh and her services are what you are looking for.

   2. I haven’t used her as a coach, but I attended a presentation by Stacey Kim for a professional organization and was impressed by her. https://www.lifejunctions.com

9. Any restaurant recs for Park City? Open to any variety of food as long as it’s local and close to the main drag.

   Also open to activity suggestions for September.

   1. Claim Jumper for barbecue and shoestring fries (if it still exists! It’s been a decade since I was there)

      1. I read that as “Clam Jumper” and wondered if it was innuendo.

      2. It’s closed.

   2. It’s been over a decade, but we liked Purple Sage.

      1. Was there last year – still good.

         Would also recommend Fireside @ deer valley if you’re willing to go there – just so fun.

10. Where is a good place to shop for suits? I’ve checked out Banana Factory and Ann Taylor already but I’d like to have some other options. Alternatively, are there any reliable brands I should be looking for on Poshmark or eBay?

    1. Pre-pandemic, I was pleasantly surprised by Talbots. I got two classic sets of mix and match pieces (pants, skirt, blazer) in an all (or mostly?) wool fabric; they had petite lengths so I didn’t need to worry about alterations; and a wide range of sizes. The pants were a tad frumpier in fit than ideal, but I could probably have taken them in (if I cared).

    2. I mean just about everyone makes a suit, JCrew, Banana Republic, Theory, Boss, Karen Millen, Veronica Beard, Boden etc.

    3. Not sure how upscale you want to go, but I’ve found the Kasper and Anne Klein stuff at Macy’s to be a good value. Caveat that I pretty much only wear suits to interview, but my Kasper suit lasted me a good while.

    4. Rebecca Taylor, Basler, Elie Tahari, Lafayette 148.

    5. For a splurge I love Boss or Theory. For a lower price suit that looks great and can handle a lot of wear, I’m a Tahari fan (almost all of my suits are from them; I’ve had some for 15 years and they still look great). I do like Ann Taylor but haven’t bought a suit from them in years so couldn’t speak to current quality. You might also try Zara if you want to play with a younger cut. I am not sure they do full suits, but they have great jackets, dresses and pants that could probably pair well.

11. I know this is discussed occasionally but I cannot find it searching – what are your best online design services? I’m using a local designer and she is not getting our vibe at all. Thank you.

    1. What is your vibe in general? I’ve used havenly and was not at all impressed. I have an old house and like a more classic/traditional style but with deep colors (classic new england or english farmhouse – saturated colors, patterns, classic shapes in furniture, etc.) and it was nearly impossible to find an online designer who ‘got’ that. I think many of them simply pull from what’s the most popular (mid century modern/coastal inspired/modern farmhouse) and just aren’t great at doing anything beyond that.
       We had the most luck going to local stores (one local design center and a Restoration Hardware) and setting up in person visits with their designers – they don’t expect you to buy everything there but they gave me really good advice on what could be bought cheaper elsewhere vs. where they’d spend more. They also gave me names for local window/carpet people they worked with often (that weren’t just hunter douglas/blinds to go/shade store).

       1. I think a beachy/ boho/ cozy look. Everything I’ve seen locally (southern US) is a very heavy, transitional style.

          1. Do you have a local Serena & Lily or Anthropologie Home? I think a mashup of those two (and I think Serena & Lily has designers?) would work well for this aesthetic. I think Havenly could nail this too fwiw, my main quibble with them was that I didn’t want aged grey and white wood furniture with blue/macrame/brass accents which is what I seemed to get from 2 designers.

          2. Coastal Grand Millennial – There are some great FB groups for this! One is just called Grand Millennial home design and it sounds like exactly what you’d like. I love that style as well.

       2. I feel this. Though my budget is mostly secondhand furniture and Target linens, so I haven’t had the struggle of searching for a designer yet ;)

          I have a super traditional interior style and find my very best inspo from books on architecture and design, not the internet. Gil Schaefer, Bunny Williams, Mark Sikes, James Farmer are all in view on my shelf right now. My main challenge is translating traditional decor to my 80s townhouse… (You all may recall hearing about my gilded bathroom in a recent post. thanks for the advice to just shut the door! That helps!)

          1. Deedee, have you and Anne-on checked out Farrow and Ball’s instagram? I think they showcase homes/designers that fit your style.

             1. Amazing suggestion, thanks, Pugs!

          2. Good lord, how awesome is James Farmer? Love him.

             1. If I had unlimited money, I’d hire him in a heartbeat.

    2. I think Modsy went out of business and they were the biggest online player. I’d try a different local designer.

    3. Curious as to what your vibe is? Maybe I could help with some key words or ideas for stores/online sources?

    4. I’ve thought about using https://www.velindahellendesign.com/e-design but haven’t actually done it.

       1. oh jinx! I have a comment in mod right under yours suggesting Velinda!

    5. Check out Velinda Hellen – https://www.velindahellendesign.com – I think she may fit your vibe well.

       She offers e-design services. She used to work for Emily Henderson and then went out on her own.

       1. Here’s a blog post where they describe the process: https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/blog/how-does-e-design-work

12. I’m the poster who was in a wedding last weekend who had zero details other than my dress as of Friday. The wedding happened! They got married! The entire wedding party was in the dark because both the bride and the groom had never been to a wedding as adults so had no concept of how long things would take (they’re in their 30s… and yes, they have friends). Example: photos were scheduled before the ceremony, but they told everyone to show up 30 minutes before the ceremony and then it turned out that wasn’t enough time so we did photos after and the caterer delayed dinner 2 hours.

    Moral of the story: if you’re having a 100+ guest wedding and spending double digit thousands, look into a wedding coordinator or day of person!!

    1. Thanks for the update – I was wondering! It’s amazing no one in their circle – not a sibling, parent, wedding attendant, the venue, a vendor… – put this on their radar ahead of time. Not putting blame on you at all, but you figure everyone was probably asking for details and not just you, and it never registered. Probably made for some stress-free planning!

    2. I commented on your prior post. I went through this exact same scenario when my husband was in a wedding 2 weeks ago. Everyone in the bridal party, as well as the happy couple were so needlessly stressed. It just didn’t have to be that hard and it was chaos, but at the end of the day, the wound up married and seemed happy with everything, so I guess that is what matters.

    3. Eehhhh…. you don’t need a day-of coordinator or a wedding planner to throw a great wedding. You need to be realistic about everything from timelines to what “people” or “folks” would enjoy.

       What I mean: I know people who have these completely batty ideas in their heads about what other people would enjoy, or completely understate the hassles that are inflicted on guests. Consider ideas like having a three-hour gap between the ceremony and reception so that people can relax, explore the city, and change. Or having a ten-course meal served over three hours, no reception, no dancing, no first dance, just endless presentations of elaborate food. Or a reception venue that is a full hour away from the church because it’s “amazing.” There’s a reason why weddings follow a pattern – it works and it makes everyone happy enough.

    4. Thank you for reporting back. I feel for everyone’s bellies omg. There is nothing worse than being hungry at a wedding.

    5. Ehh, sounds like it all worked out fine. They got married, nobody died. There are more important things to be mad about.

    6. Yikes! Glad it turned our reasonably okay (but the poor guests!).

13. Book recs. A woman I know is a native Korean speaker who is now a law student in the United States. Her English is very good, but she would like to improve it, especially word choice, choosing which prepositions are correct, and when to use articles. I think a lot of this is just getting the feel for the language. However, I don’t speak a foreign language.
    I suggested she read fun, light, easy fiction books. I’ve heard Janet Evanovich writes books like these, but I haven’t read her stuff. Would Evanovich be a good suggestion? Any others?

    1. Evanovich plays heavily on Jersey stereotypes that might be less accessible or funny to a non native speaker. Maybe young adult fiction instead? Harry Potter, Tamora Pierce?

       1. +1 YA is more accessible this way. Just make sure it’s good writing.

       2. My ex used to do this. The Hunger Games was one of his faves.

    2. I wonder about audiobooks – hearing English spoken, and maybe even reading along with a print copy?

    3. These are recs for fast-paced fiction with straightforward, contemporary prose (and all 4 or 5 star reads for me). They’re not all “light” though.
       – Romance: Book Lovers by Emily Henry, The Heart Principle by Helen Hoang, and The Friend Zone by Abby Jimenez
       – Mystery/thriller: The Cartographers by Peng Shepherd, Two Nights in Lisbon by Chris Pavone, and Blacktop Wasteland by S.A. Cosby
       – Historical fiction: The Seven Lives of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid and The Rose Code by Kate Quinn.
       – Sci fi/fantasy/speculative ficiton: The Measure by Nikki Erlick, Cinder by Marissa Meyer, Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir.
       – YA: We Were Liars by E. Lockhart, With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo, Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt.

       1. Ooh, I actually think A Court of Thorns and Roses would be good here too. I think SJM can write very well, even if the books themselves annoy me somewhat.

       2. I think Sherry Thomas would be good for romance and mystery as well. She essentially brushed up on her English as a child by reading romance novels! And her novels are very well-written.

    4. Thank you all! I will pass these ideas along.

    5. I’m a non-native English speaker. I don’t have actual book recs, sorry, but I think she should read about subjects she is interested in, or genres she already likes reading in Korean. When I was a student, if I picked something up for the express purpose of learning the language, I tended to lose interest quickly, even if the book itself was good. That said, if she’s into it, YA should be good. Non-fiction written by journalists also works, since they tend to be straightforward. I’ve also been playing word games (wordle and the NYT spelling bee) and it’s very challenging, but it has expanded my vocabulary and it forces me to think in English.

    6. As a tween/early teen I started by re-reading books in english that I had already read often in my native language (the laura ingalls wilder books to be specific). It gave me the experience of reading in english without it being so difficult that I struggled.

       So maybe something she is familiar with already – topics, authors

    7. I second audiobooks. I also highly recommend TV shows, with subtitles if she’s trying to focus on grammar or spelling. Several of my family members improved their conversation really effectively this way when we moved to the US, and II do the reverse to keep current with my native language (which Netflix and other streaming services make really easy). Language is reliably more conversational and how people actually talk in real life in TV shows, and it doesn’t feel like work but is still really effective, plus the desire to finish an addictive season will keep her pressing play!

14. I really don’t like working from home, and my office is at best 2-3 days a week and far enough that it doesn’t make sense to go in if not enough people are going too.

    There is a nice, big central branch of the public library near my house. Until recently only parts of it were open and the hours were limited because of COVID. I didn’t realize until today but its completely re-opened now.

    I came in this morning to pick up a book and since I didn’t have any meetings figured I might as well work from here for a while. It’s amazing! I’m going to do this every time I WFH! There were days I was going in to the office even if there weren’t many people there just because I like separation between work from home and this completely accomplishes that. Plus libraries are nice.

    1. Library was my go-to when my office was still closed and I needed to work away from the house. At mine, you can reserve little one or two person conference rooms, if you need to participate in phone calls or video meetings. Highly recommend. Plus it’s free!

    2. I work in our local library when I’m in home city for too many weeks in a row – I like a bit of noise around me and a change of scene. There’s a man who does the same and I joke he’s my co-worker.
       It’s great in the winter when I’m WFH solo – I can use their heat rather than heat the whole house just for me.

    3. This makes me sad. All of the libraries where I live are basically just places for homeless people (mostly men) to spend their days, which is good for them and I don’t begrudge it, but it doesn’t really make the library feel like a place I want to hang out and work in or let my kid wander around alone in (I have fond memories of being able to go to the library alone as a tween, which probably doesn’t really happen now). I very much believe that libraries should be open to everyone, but I do think something is lost when they’re basically operating as shelters.

       1. This library does have some homeless men in it.- but also a lot of people who are probably working from home or studying or something alone those lines. It also has resume writing classes and things like that so its very much a workers hub.

       2. I am worried about this at my local library as well.

       3. +1.

       4. Pay more property taxes so your city can provide a place for the homeless men to go so you don’t have to ever see them.

          1. That is a very ungracious reply. A library is not meant for hosting homeless people, and should not be used as such.

             1. Just ignore the homeless people and don’t make eye contact with them. If they come up to you and try to harass you, get up and move to another area. If they follow you, tell a librarian and/or leave. They probably won’t approach you, though.

             2. If a person is sitting quietly minding their own business, reading a book or just staring at the wall, what difference does it make if they are homeless or not? I didn’t see anyone saying the homeless people at the library are causing disruptions or bothering anyone. If they are, then it’s the behavior that’s the problem, and would be a problem no matter the persons housing situation.

15. I want to try a new shampoo & conditioner and am looking for recommendations. Looking for something that leaves my hair feeling clean and not weighed down. My hair is just straight hair — not dry, tends towards a bit greasy if anything — no curl or frizz, no special issues. Hair is pretty thick so I don’t really need much help volumizing.
    I normally just buy drugstore products but am willing to try out something higher end!

    1. I like the Amika hair care line – I have tried several types and have been satisfied with all of them. I also cannot say enough good things about the Ouai spray leave-in conditioner, which I use on my damp hair after showering. I also use verb ghost hair mask. I will provide some links, but they may get stuck in mod for awhile.

       1. https://theouai.com/products/leave-in-conditioner

          https://www.verbproducts.com/products/ghost-hair-mask?_pos=7&_sid=23a9b5f2b&_ss=r

          You also might try a clarifying shampoo once per week. I do one followed by the hair mask above and it helps with greasiness left behind by whatever is in your water, products, shampoo/condition buildup. It’s a good Sunday hair reset for me. https://loveamika.com/products/reset-clarifying-gel-shampoo

          1. PS: Might be worth trying some travel-sized options to see what works for you hair. I did that with the clarifying gel shampoo and am going to order the full size once it is gone.

    2. It’s drugstore/grocery store but I’ve been loving Infusium23! Makes my hair so soft and cuts down on my frizz. I have thin, fine straight hair so maybe a but similar to yours.

    3. Don’t waste your money! Just grab a dif bottle at the drugstore next time. I like herbal essences camomile for the middle school vibes.

    4. The best I’ve ever experienced my hair is because of apple cider vinegar rinses a couple times a week. Leaves your hair absolutely clean and soft.

    5. Kerastase Bain Divalent. I have similar hair and it is great. Hair feels clean but not stripped out. Once a week i also do Christophe Robin clarifying scrub.

    6. I’ve been enjoying the new Aveeno shampoos recently. I get it on subscribe and save from Amazon. There are a bunch of different ones so just chose based on what your hair is like. The sulfate free one is good, so is the clarifying one,

    7. Kristin Ess at Target has been doing great for me lately! I use the cleansing shampoo (along with Not Your Mother’s anti-frizz conditioner, which smells amazing and works a treat for those of us who do have frizz issues!).

    8. Aveeno Apple Cider Vinegar shampoo is good. I also like the Bumble & Bumble invisible oil shampoo (it is not greasy) but it’s too spendy for me to use regularly.

    9. Aveda

       1. +1, for the smell alone.

       2. Agree. I use the color conserve line and I love it. Other shampoos tended to weigh my hair down.

    10. Kirkland brand shampoo and conditioner.

        1. I second this. The Kirkland brand is allegedly a Pureoloy dupe.

16. This weekend my cat peed in my LV Never Full purse. IN my purse, not on it. Any one have any ideas for cleaning and smell removal?

    1. You will need an enzyme cleaner like Nature’s Miracle or Urine Off. I have a concentrate called Cad Odor Off that I got on Chewy. Unfortunately the problem I have with enzyme cleaners is that they all have a strong smell of their own. It may get out the cat pee smell, but then the item smells like the cleaner. I’m assuming you already dried up as much of the pee as possible. You could try soaking the area with water and then trying to absorb more with a towel before trying the enzyme cleaner.

       1. Kids’n’Pets works better than Nature’s Miracle or Urine Off and has a much gentler scent that fades a lot faster especially than Urine Off.

          I’m not sure if there’s a totally scentless enzyme cleaner, maybe a “hygienic” laundry detergent that’s otherwise Free & Clear?

       2. Bac Out Stain & Odor Eliminator works pretty well and the smell isn’t nearly as bad as the others I’ve tried- minty citrus that doesn’t persist for long. I’ve used it on carpet and other fabrics. Nature’s Miracle might work better, but the smell is so awful that it’s almost worse than the urine or vomit I use it to clean.

    2. I’ve not done it, but I’ve heard of people washing Never Fulls in the washer (do not dry obviously).

17. Who else is watching Indian matchmaker season 2?! No spoilers but I want there to be like Seema Auntie’s WhatsApp on the screen so when someone weirdly rudely rejects a perfectly nice guy I can volunteer. Like no I don’t speak Gujarati nor am I Hindu but I would be nice!

    1. OMG. Are you talking about Viral? I am watching it (and am Gujarati, Hindu, and happily married to a Non-Indian), and I have so many thoughts!!!!! Also, Aparna is from my home city and I know folks who know her who all say that the editing is wild.

       In my 20’s I also went on a date with one of the guys from s1…

       1. Wild as in she’s actually a nice person or ???

          SPILL THE TEA.

          1. Wild as in makes her seem more extreme than she is! Which makes sense, always easy to have a female in a cast be “too much”, right?

             1. I read an interview with her after S1 and she sounded really fun tbh!

             2. Obviously a reality show will edit things to make it more interesting.

       2. What do you mean re editing? Aparna seems like someone I would love to be friends with but she also seems like she has no desire for a relationship or husband. Which is fine! But why be on the show?

          1. I like her too! But you can’t repeatedly yawn in a guys face that is rude. I wonder if she simply isn’t interested in men.

             1. Yes, that was incredibly rude. That guy seemed great!

       3. I am talking about Viral! That go carting guy looked just like his photos and seemed really nice. I’ll learn Guajarati cooking!

          1. I felt so bad for him! He seemed sweet. Despite constantly talking about how amazing she is, Viral seemed very immature to me. Her interactions with her friends and dates were stilted and she was pretty rude at times. I’m sure some of that is down to the awkwardness of being on TV and editing, but not all of it.

    2. I’ve never seen the show, but your comment made me think of the rom-com, 7 Days, which deals with matchmaking during the pandemic. I had never heard of the movie but watched it on a recent flight and loved it! In the movie, the mothers prepare the dating profiles of their adult children, which I found hilarious. A funny and very sweet movie.

18. Seeking reccs for Miami–I’ll be going after Christmas with spouse & a friend. We’re not huge party people (I know!), so are seeking your thoughts on lower-key dining and activities. Also any tips on which neighborhoods to stay in or great hotel or Airbnb experiences?

    1. My favorite place in Miami is Broker Shaker and restaurant 27 which are both at the Freehand Hotel. It’s a low key chill vibe with great food and drinks.

    2. We loved One Hotel South Beach. It’s relaxed luxury and not too much of a part scene (we’re not party people either).

    3. In South Beach, I like Front Porch Cafe for breakfast/brunch. Sweet Liberty Drinks & Supply is a fun, low key place for good drinks and food. Esotico has fun tiki/tropical drinks and the food is good too.

    4. I’m not a partier and I LOVE Miami!

       Airbnb is illegal in Miami so most options are pretty sketch, I’d stick to hotels. The farther South you go on South Beach the more raucous it is, so I stay a little further up, like where Loews is. The hotels across the street from the beach are significantly cheaper, just make sure they have a “beach club” which is free chairs and umbrellas on the beach and extremely worth it. I never rent a car since South Beach is walkable and parking is expensive.

       Even as a non-partier it’s worth taking a walk down Ocean Drive in the evening to see some of the madness. Mango’s and Wet Willie’s are the classic trashy party spots. Honestly just taking a stroll past say, 8pm, will probably give you your fill.

       Definitely take a walk down Lincoln Road Mall. South Beach Botanical Gardens are a nice little stop.

       Obviously get some Cuban food. If you’re vegetarian there are some amazing options. SoBe Vegan was the best lunch ever. Planta was great for a nicer dinner. Most restaurants on Ocean Drive are tourist traps, and food elsewhere is usually better and cheaper. The Versace mansion is a restaurant now which is supposed to be cool. As someone else mentioned Broker Shaker is great.

    5. Long comment in mod, check back later!

19. Off for to Banff for a week. It seems like there will be a 90-degree heatwave while we are there. We will be hiking during the day, but what would you pack to wear in the evening for dinner/hanging around the town?

    1. Just casual clothes. The town is super casual.

20. Paging our resident strain removal wizards. There are dark spots on a cotton tee I love. They’ve been washed and heat dried in. Probably originally grease. Am I doomed?

    1. You are not doomed, soak in warm water, washing soda and dawn overnight.

    2. I’d spot-treat with a stain spray or OxyClean gel before the next wash, and see if that lifts the strain in the next wash cycle, maybe add some Oxyclean or arm & hammer laundry booster to that wash cycle, but if the stain is still there don’t put it in the dryer. I’d hang it up and then, based on whether it’s lifted, I might repeat the process (using a laundry brush this time) or I might need to find a new approach.

    3. Dish soap if it’s grease or oil. Straight on the spot while the fabric is dry, rub it in really good, let it sit for a bit. Wash in cold water, air dry, check to see if it’s gone.

       This works great on fresh grease stains, sometimes on older ones but not always as well.

    4. Definitely not doomed. K2R is straight up sorcery on grease spots, including ones that have been washed and dried.

    5. I had completely forgotten about Dawn. Thank you!

       1. A dry cleaner was able to get the stains out of a beloved new white t shirt after my at home methods failed.

21. I’ve been dealing with hair shedding for almost a year now. I’ve had vitamin d, iron, and basic thyroid checked and they are all normal. My derm put me on a supplement (nutrafol) and special shampoo which helped for a few months but the shedding returned. I’m freaking out because my hair is so much thinner than it used to be and don’t know what to do now. I have my annual physical in two weeks so I will bring it up then but my pcp isn’t very proactive so I feel like I need to tell her what I want her to add to my regular blood tests. Any idea what I should ask for? Any specific recommendations for hair doctors (I’m in DC)? My derm thinks it’s tellogen effluvium but that’s supposed to stop at some point and this isn’t.

    1. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I am on spironolactone for acne and it makes my hair grow crazy fast. It’s an antiandrogen blood pressure med that’s tolerated fairly well by most people. Rogaine also works but is kind of a hassle to use.

    2. If money is no object, can you buy one of those chemo-cold-caps that stimulates follicle growth. Also, could it just be general or stress-related allopecia. The hair loss can show up months after the stressy event.

    3. Are you eating enough protein? I added collagen powder and also prenatal vitamins and it made a big difference. (Although prenatal vitamins may duplicate what is in nutrafol so could check with your doctor). Also, I believe that stress can be a big factor.

    4. Did you have COVID before it started? I know a few people who expereinced hair loss post-infection.

       1. No, I haven’t had Covid (yet).

    5. Is there any chance you are perimenopausal. Crazy hair loss was one of my first symptoms.

       1. Please say it’s not this. I’m “only” 36.

    6. Do you know what kind of hair loss you have? Did your derm give you a diagnosis? If not, you need to find another derm, because you aren’t on the appropriate treatments for the most common causes of long term shedding.

       I had a very hard time getting a proper diagnosis. It took seeing my 5th doctor…. Ugh.

       You could just try Rogaine (Costco version is pretty cheap).

22. Does anyone in the NYC area have recs for a personal trainer? I finally need to bite the bullet since my current plan of “I’ll get around to exercising eventually… 3, 6, 9, now 15 months postpartum” is not really working out. I don’t need long workouts, someone to come 2-3 times a week to my house for 30-45 minutes. Bonus if they could have one of those sessions be a run coaching session. TIA!

    1. This totally isn’t what you asked for but as a cost-effective option I used Future for a while and really liked it. Basically a virtual personal trainer, connected to an Apple watch so they can track your progress through the workout. If you are mostly looking for accountability, it’s pretty great. There was a Wirecutter article about it a while ago that has more info. Also, I recommend reaching out to them for a specific coach recommendation instead of just choosing whoever. I ended up with a much better match that way.

    2. I don’t have a specific person, but you might want to contact Focus Integrated Fitness (https://www.focusnyc.com/). They train personal trainers and at all times have several working through Focus itself. Pre-Covid I regularly attended Focus’s group fitness class that was typically taught by a graduate or trainee of the personal training program.

    3. Ralph is flexible, very knowledgeable and more importantly, very nice: https://www.bodybylamour.com/

    4. Highly recommend Colette Berry: https://www.cathill.nyc/ (She’s a runner, too!)

23. Let’s talk dating app strategy.
    Late 20s, major city, want to date to marry but not in a huge rush. My two dealbreakers are people who aren’t politically liberal or who want something casual/short term.

    My hobbies are honestly swimming, reading, puzzles/board games, and going to cocktail bars. I’ve traveled a lot and want someone I can do that with.
    Looking at my profile the photos are great, varied. I’m slightly overweight but in I think good shape (see: swimming) and they’re in interesting places and doing different things. I think my answers to the questions come off a bit nerdy – but I am nerdy! A friend took off her ivy league grad school and started getting more matches and I’m a bit ashamed to say I’m thinking of doing that too.

    So far I’ve been swiping right on anyone who is generally good looking, liberal, seems caring, wants a serious relationship, and is interested or seems like they could be interested in any one of the things listed above. I don’t like to chat too much on the apps but its usually about mundane stuff like what’s on their profiles – nothing deeper. And then meet in person and decide from there. I can’t decide if this is a waste of time, or maybe if there are specific questions I should ask before I meet in person?

    I also realized that for both of my last 2 boyfriends the first date was really good, so I’m not giving people “let’s see” second dates. If things are fine-but-not-great I tend to let it get into the 4-5 date territory before realizing that I don’t actually feel that strongly for them. Does this all makes sense? What was your approach?

    1. I think you need to give people more than one date is the first date was ok/good but not really great. First dates are just really awkward. You don’t need to give it four or five dates but I think you might let some good people go if you are too quick to write them off. Obviously does not apply if the first date is actively bad.

       1. This – if they ask you out on a second date and the first date was at least ok, what’s there to lose but a few hours of your time?

          1. Okay – if they ask me on a second date and the first one was fine I would probably say yes. I just probably wouldn’t ask them on a second date myself.

       2. Yes, unfortunately this was my experience with shy guys — it just took longer. And a lot of nerdier guys have been more shy on 1st dates in my experience.

       3. I disagree with this, I always knew in 5 minutes if I wanted to see the guy again. My strategy was a lot of first dates but no o. Paper dealbreakers. Don’t talk yourself into people.

       4. Yes, this jumped out at me too. I’ve never online dated but my husband and I were setup by friends and had a very awkward first “date” (not really a date since it was a group thing, but we both knew it was a setup). I’m very glad our friends pushed us to hang out again when both of us felt pretty “meh” on the other one after our first meeting. Writing someone off after one date seems premature unless they say or do something that indicates a clear lack of compatibility.

    2. I had a lot more success once I started being super selective in the early stages. Going on a date is a lot of energy! I decided I had at max time for 1-2 first dates a week, and I wanted to be really excited about anyone I was taking the time to meet. Trying to make things work because they seem nice enough or I’m being too picky was always a bad idea for me. Most people aren’t suitable, a lot of guys kind of suck, and someone should really have to earn your interest and prove that they seem like a stand-up person in order to meet them in my opinion.

       1. This is how I feel – the “I’m being picky so I’ll keep dating this guy who is nice enough” never actually lead anywhere.

       2. Not OP, but back to online dating after a breakup. I keep hearing this advice, and want to follow it. But almost all of the guys I match with seem so boring during the texting part. They don’t say much, don’t ask many questions, etc. If I waited for someone I was really interested in, I would meet someone in person like once a month.

          How did you do it? Did you ask interesting questions? Did they? Tell me your secrets

          1. I think I went on fewer dates than I would have otherwise, but I also found it’s helpful to be very direct in the chatting phase and talk to everyone you would a friend you already know. So like skip the formality of “Where are you from?” and jump straight into whatever you actually want to talk about or whatever you’ll be most interested in. And just have it be natural/laid-back etc.

             Personally, I feel like a guy asking questions or saying enough to respond to is the bare minimum. Have you found that guys like that are fun to talk to in person? If they’re not a lot of the time, I honestly would just go on one date a month and then take the time you’re saving to invest in yourself and things you enjoy doing.

             Something I always remembered is you only need one! So if you’re meeting 12 guys in a year that you are really excited about, it seems reasonable to think maybe one of those could go somewhere. I found that when I treated it like a numbers game and went on 2 dates a week, I wound up exhausted, emotionally confused, and constantly trying to make things work with guys I wasn’t really excited about. It also just took more time.

          2. Skip the texting part and jump straight to the date.

          3. I posted about dating apps last month. The best advice I got was don’t expect banter or stimulating conversation while messaging through the app. After 2-3 messages back and forth ask them out! If their profile looks good, they can string together a sentence, and their messages don’t raise any red flags then just go on the date. The app chat isn’t an accurate representation of their personality and half the battle is finding them attractive in person so don’t invest much time in messaging. I disagree that you should be excited to meet him. Keep your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised if you like the guy. I just think of dates as an excuse to wear a cute outfit and get out of the house, so it’s not an emotional roller coaster if he isn’t a match. Shout out to the commenter who suggested stacking two dates in a night to create an economy of scale – this is excellent advice.

    3. You sound amazing and you have an approach I would take. Unfortunately it’s just a numbers game to meet someone who complements you. I would keep swiping right liberally and go on a first date with as many men as possible (assuming they don’t have one of your deal breakers or give off any vibe that would make you feel remotely unsafe). Re taking down your school name – I would take down the specific school names more as a safety measure (makes you a little more anonymous so some creep can’t google “Clara X school X degree city name” and find you easily.

       1. Thanks!
          I actually just have “C” as my dating profile name because someone did something like that – I don’t remember what it was exactly but their second message referenced something specific they looked up about me. No one seems to have an issue with it, and of course I tell them my name if we start chatting. I think I had my first name, college, and grad school names up and that made it way too easy to look up.

       2. To the last sentence – exactly! I have a somewhat unusual first name, so it’s pretty easy to figure out who I am with not much information. But even just a first name plus a master’s degree from a certain school is enough for some people to figure out who you are.

    4. I don’t use dating apps but I would say there is a difference e between dating someone who went to an Ivy League school (fine!) and dating someone who puts “Ivy League grad” in their profile (possible turn off, definately virtue signaling).

       My family has lots of money. I grew up in Greenwich CT. I don’t put “trust fund baby, gold coast born and raised!” I do tell people where I grew up when asked, and it is either a Thing or it isn’t.

       1. She definitely just had them in the default part where it asks you to fill in your job and college, whether your drink, what you’re looking for etc – not in her profile or anything flashy like that. I saw her profile, it was completely normal and just not school/work focused.

    5. I’ve notice the same when I took my Ivy League school and attorney off my profile. But I decided to put them back on, because I found they were a good filter. The guys who were turned off by those things were turned off when they learned them in person too, but then i was wasted more of my time

    6. Late 20s as well, major metro area. I’ve had two different approaches to apps. For context, I was in a two year relationship with Guy #1, a very meh boyfriend that I met IRL through mutual friends right before the world imploded. We broke up in spring of ’21 and I proceeded to have a major hot girl summer on the apps before settling down with Guy #2. I swiped liberally–criteria was the guy being at least OK looking and having something on his profile that me smile. I was doing 2-3 dates a week, sometimes up to 4, and most of the guys I met were fine but not long term prospects. I culled a lot after first dates–most guys didn’t make it to a second. Interestingly, Guy #2 was just an OK first day–we really started vibing more on the 2nd and 3rd. (Likely because we gardened for the first time after the 2nd date and had crazy gardening chemistry so that upped the ante considerably). I think in the future I would give guys more of a chance and put more stock in a good 2nd date than a good 1st date.

       This was so, so fun but also really burnt me out. I had reservations about Guy #2 even though he was great and I think part of the reason I settled down with him despite my hesitations was because I was getting kind sick of the dating whirlwind. It made me feel really desirable and validated to have all these guys interested in me but 90% of them weren’t guys that I felt seriously about so it got old fast.

       Fast forward a year, Guy #2 and I have broken up and I’m back in the dating pool. I’m not happy to be out of that relationship even though it was ultimately the right thing for me, so dating again does not have the fun bouncy energy it has last time around. I’m being much, much pickier this time–I only swipe on guys who really pique my interest and are my type/notably attractive to me. I’m old fashioned about dating so I won’t ask guys on the first date, and I only message first if they seem like a really good match. I usually give a guy a week of back and forth and if he doesn’t ask me on a date by then, I stop responding. I’m not here to be someone’s pen pal! This leads to less dates but the overall quality of them has been higher. As I get more comfortable dating again, maybe I’ll get more lax about it but this has worked for me as I warm up and don’t want too much going on at once.

       Re: jobs: I went to a common alma mater in my city so I keep that on and my Big Job title, but I am really sensitive to being with a partner who is okay with me likely making more money than them so for me it’s a beneficial filter. But if that is not as much of a concern for you, there’s no shame in taking it off. Much like resumes, dating apps are a marketing tool.

       Overall, no matter how picky you are, it’s always going to be a lot of just OK first dates. I try to keep a breezy attitude about it–absolute worst case scenario, you leave after a drink because “you drove” or “you have to work late” and you never see them again. I always tell myself that dating should in theory be fun and if it stops being fun, it’s time to take a break.

    7. Things that worked for me (2 long term relationships including my now husband from 5 years of online dating).

       – Best profile advice I read was to be direct about things that truly matter and mysterious about things that don’t. People tend to create stories about the information that we have. Don’t let them create stories on “junk” information. For me that meant being clear about my high pressure job, looking for a partner, love of weekend road trips, but not actually listing favorite music/books/TV shows because they don’t matter. Similarly I didn’t worry about that when going on dates. My husband’s favorite TV shows being Stargate, It’s Always Sunny and Southpark give you a very different mental image than who he actually is. Him being a devoted uncle who wanted kids of his own doesn’t.
       – I subscribed to the be selective theory! I’ve always been one of those people who’ve known within the first 5 minutes if I wanted to date someone. For the last couple of years I was pretty picky about who I went on first dates with- I met my husband in September and he was the 2nd or 3rd online date I had had that whole calendar year. I wanted quality, not quantity.
       – Ask for recommendations in your profile. People looooove to give recommendations and I found it a good conversation starter. Since you love board games and cocktail bars, tell people to message you if they know a game you haven’t tried yet or the best cocktail in town.

24. Wow. After a few days of playing around – I realized my intense sugar cravings and lack of energy (offset by…more coffee) was because of IF. Now I started (gasp) eating breakfast again and feel way more full and energetic, with far less sugar and caffeine cravings.

    Sharing this because IF worked really well for me a few years back, but now after kid #2 + pandemic life, not so much. I hope this is helpful, and please let me know if you’ve had similar experience!

25. Looking for clothing store/brand recommendations for my MIL. She hasn’t bought clothing for herself in 15-20 years and everything is pretty threadbare, and she is very self conscious about her appearance and hates shopping. There’s a family wedding coming up soon and she also needs everyday things and she has asked for my help. We tried Macy’s this weekend and she hated everything and does not want to go to any more stores but would like to try online shopping. She was shocked when I explained you could return things by mail from online purchases!

    She’s in her late 70s, a size 20 give or take, and very apple shaped. She can *only* wear natural fibers — no blends — because of skin issues. She likes colors and patterns, and only wears pants.
    So far, I’ve come up with the following list to check out: Eileen Fisher, Land’s End, Talbots.

    Does anyone have any other store suggestions? I’m going over there later this week to help her look online.

    1. I feel like if all these, Talbots should be where you start.

       1. Me too. When my mother got like your aunt, I settled her in a nice big dressing room at Talbots with a book while the salesperson and I pulled clothes. She left with a lot of new clothes and said it wasn’t as horrible as shopping usually was. She always hated shopping.

    2. This is one of those times that I recommend you just buy a bunch of stuff, check it in person by yourself, and present her an edited collection.

       Old Navy and Gap have a surprising number of basics in natural fibers.

       Boden might be a good look too (but much pricier).

       Macy’s carries a lot of plus (but not a lot of natural fibers-gotta be selective).

       And, while not everything will be to her taste, you should check out Jcrew and Jcrew factory–they have basics and go up to 24.

       I’d add chico’s if that’s not in your mix.

       Last, there’s a catalog called Poetry that is natural fiber focused that is Eileen Fisher-y.

       If she’s a little smaller, would also recommend Garnet Hill–they carry a lot of nice natural fibers but only go up to a small 18.

    3. Chico’s has some linen and cotton options. Can she do modal and rayon? Both are technically natural fibers but the processing can irritate some folks. That would open up a lot of options for her. For everyday items, Old Navy has a surprising amount of 100% cotton shirts.

    4. My MIL loves soft surroundings (not my taste but checks the boxes you’re looking for)

    5. You are so nice to help her. I bet she really appreciates it! Just wanted to add J. Jill.

       1. +1 to J.Jill

    6. What about Soft Surroundings?

    7. I wear cotton tops only, no synthetic fibres.
       Try: Macy’s Charter Club and Karen Scott cotton tops, the boatneck and 3/4 sleeves ones look pretty good.
       At Lands’ end: your MIL might like their Elastic Waist Sport Knit high rise waistband pants. I am much younger and these are a tad frumpy for me but supersoft cotton and I wear them for WFH days (and lets admit it, sometimes run errands in them). I also love their supima cotton crewneck tops in plain colors.
       For more luxe: I also like Boden’s silk ravello top from a few years ago (now I think they have synthetic mixed in) and uniqlo’s merino wool or 100% cotton tops as well.

       Get your MIL a charter club printed top and these pants and she will love you for it!

    8. H&M has a surprising amount of natural fabrics in XXL.

       Same for M&S, if you can get it without import duties.

       1. H&M XXL is unfortunately a straight size rather than a plus size 20. It is confusing, but plus and straight sizes are usually totally different.

          1. Yeah H&M would be a disaster for a size 20.

    9. J. Jill might be something to try.

    10. Here are some colourful linen pants in XXL with elasticated waist:

        https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0954891013.html

        Bright blue shirt:
        https://www.marksandspencer.com/us/pure-cotton-embroidered-long-sleeve-shirt/p/P60549820.html?dwvar_P60549820_color=BB&pid=P60549820&quantity=1

        Coral linen pants:

        https://www.marksandspencer.com/us/pure-linen-crop-wide-leg-trousers/p/P60541673.html?dwvar_P60541673_color=C8&pid=P60541673&quantity=1

        Pink broderie anglaise top:

        https://www.marksandspencer.com/us/pure-cotton-broderie-short-sleeve-top/p/P60562579.html

    11. Cold water Creek?

    12. My mom likes Soft Surroundings and JJill as well.

        Chico’s should have more size options and might be a good age appropriate venue.

    13. My mom likes those stores plus Jones New York. I thought they closed down but they seem to still exist.

    14. If she likes patterns, she might like Johnny Was? Maybe concentrate on just quality basics for a foundation and then splurge on some fancier tops & accessories?

    15. Also, Eileen Fisher!

    16. Would also start with Talbots. Depending on how tall she is (or rather short), they carry plus petite in many items as well.

        LL Bean also has plus sizes and has a lot of 100% cotton items and a few 100% linen items. Eddie Bauer is great for outdoor jackets if one is needed and has plus sizes.

        I hope she finds lots of lovely things she likes, with your help.

26. Has anyone here done the curtain bang trend in the last year or so? Getting my hair cut this weekend and thinking I want to try it…

    1. I’ve had curtain bangs a couple times! Consider if you want to keep them long enough to tuck behind your ears. I like to keep it longer so I can pin out of my eyes when working out. Also blow drying them correctly is a must to keep them out of your eyes and looking like actual curtain bangs and not awkward half grown out regular bangs. I’ll post a video in a separate comment that helped me with my drying technique.

       1. How to style curtain bangs https://youtu.be/DU1omzTkugI

       2. I just spent 100 years growing out my bangs and this makes me want bangs again.

          1. I’ve just accepted that my whole life is just cutting and growing out bangs over and over lol.

             1. I’ve had bangs since I was in college (80s bob with bangs) and I’m now mid 50s and still have them. I’ve grown them out a few times because they’re not in style at whatever moment and I always end up growing them back because it doesn’t look right. When I used to go to a very high end hairdresser (briefly!) she said that I was always going to be more comfortable in bangs because my forehead is a lot narrower than my cheeks.

                So I am in the same cycle but my pendulum swings toward having bangs most of the time.

    2. I love love love mine. My hair stylist did them in a way where the front pieces are long enough to flip over into a side part if needed and they can always be tucked behind my ears. I do minimal everyday styling to my hair and haven’t found them to be too fussy.

27. This is one of those times that I recommend you just buy a bunch of stuff, check it in person by yourself, and present her an edited collection.

    Old Navy and Gap have a surprising number of basics in natural fibers.

    Boden might be a good look too (but much pricier).

    Macy’s carries a lot of plus (but not a lot of natural fibers-gotta be selective).

    And, while not everything will be to her taste, you should check out Jcrew and Jcrew factory–they have basics and go up to 24.

    I’d add chico’s if that’s not in your mix.

    Last, there’s a catalog called Poetry that is natural fiber focused that is Eileen Fisher-y.

    If she’s a little smaller, would also recommend Garnet Hill–they carry a lot of nice natural fibers but only go up to a small 18.

28. Trigger warning- weight loss.

    I just saw a video by a weight loss MD about whether we have a “set point” where our weight wants to stay. I have always kind of thought I do, and my set point is unfortunately overweight.

    Her advice was

    1) don’t adopt any weight loss diet you’re not willing to follow for the rest of your life, because the weight will just come back on. This includes taking medication.

    2) for the vanishingly small % of people who manage to keep weight off for years, the average amount of exercise they do in a week is 300 minutes!

    1. 300 minutes per week is < 45 minutes/day. That's not very much.

       1. 300 minutes per week is < 45 minutes/day. That's not very much.

          1. I’m curious how this is calculated. I have maintained weight loss and exercise every day but only 15-30 minutes and often that’s just a quick yoga workout. It’s more about the habit than anything. That said I also walk a ton which I suspect some exercise calculators would include. My Apple Watch does and I usually have close to 90 minutes of exercise every day even though my actual workout may have only been 20 min

          2. Our sedentary and car-centric culture should not be considered normal or healthy. People are meant to move, not sit around all day.

             1. +1 300 minutes of HIIT is a lot but it is not that much for moderate exercise, especially if you spend most of your day sitting

          3. I walk an hour a day, so more than 300 minutes per week of movement, and am the heaviest I’ve ever been. 300 minutes doesn’t seem like a lot to me unless you’re talking 300 minutes of really intense exercise.

    2. Her name is Matthea Rentea for anyone interested and I saw her video on tik tok.

       I’m interested in healthy, sustainable weight loss – I’ve done crash diets like keto and they work, but the weight did come back, and then some (which is kind of what the doctor said) – and at this point I’m not considering surgery.

    3. I agree with this completely. Diets don’t work. Lifestyle changes do.

       I lost about 40 pounds a few years back and have kept it off. It took a long time but I made some significant lifestyle changes and developed healthy habits that I’ve kept up. I didn’t have a goal weight in mind but there was a clear point where my weight settled. I can definitely lose 5-10 pounds by doing extreme versions of my healthy habits but it’s so not worth it for me. Every so often I’ve done it for some reason like an upcoming photo heavy event but it’s exhausting so I give it up and go back to my baseline habits and gain the 5-10 pounds back. And that’s fine. So I weigh a little bit more than I’d like but I feel great and think I look pretty good too (my husband and our gardening lives agree).

       1. +1 million to your comments about those last five to ten pounds. I have had it OUT with relatives who struggle with their weight, but think that since it’s relatively easy for them to adopt better habits and drop ten pounds, I should be able to snap my fingers and get the last of the thigh chub off. (Grits teeth) I’m a vegetarian, run marathons, lift weights, eschew fried food, and eat sweets in moderation. I’m also a forty-something mother, so this size six is about the best it’s ever going to get.

          Losing “the last five pounds” is like trimming the last $50 from your monthly budget after you’ve cancelled subscriptions, meal prepped, gotten roommates (if that’s an option), dropped OrangeTheory and replaced it with Planet Fitness, ended impulse buys, made your coffee at home, and kept your paid-off car.

          1. The spending comparison is so good! Is the savings really worth it if there’s no joy left in life? Ditto weight loss. It’s also not sustainable.

    4. The only people I know who kept major weight off adopted permanently restricted diets that are really unhealthy. One weighs every morsel of food; the other eats exactly the same thing every day. Both hit this exercise target. I would instead try for moderate weight loss and learn how to maintain that.

    5. Three hundred minutes = 5 hours, which is both a lot and not completely crazy (it’s an hour a day for five days a week). I’m not sure if she’s counting every minute equally or using the more modern method of counting “high intensity” minutes twice (e.g. if you exercise for 30 minutes at high intensity and 45 minutes at low intensity, it would count as 30×2 +45 = 105 minutes). If it’s the latter, that’s pretty easy to hit – that’s a three-mile run five days a week.

       Regardless, I think you can slowly adjust your body’s “set point.” It’s just really slow. Lose twenty pounds, embrace the plateau, let your body get comfortable at that new weight. Not a nutritionist, not a doctor, pure speculation – I think this is why our bodies plateau with weight loss. It’s establishing a new set point. This is also why I think the advice to “only” lose a pound a week is insane – unless you’re in need of losing 100+ pounds, you can probably go for a pound every other week or a pound a month and slowly ease your body into the new normal.

    6. I just read two fascinating books on epigenetics. Both books explained several examples of how epigenetics affects weight and metabolism. Some of the examples are actual rat/mouse studies, and some are historical famines. Epigenetics would say that factors entirely out of your control (most prominently your mother’s nutrition and stress level while pregnant with you) very much influence your metabolism and hence your “set point.”

    7. The 300 minutes a week is a standard health recommendation, with 300 minutes being moderately intense, like brisk walking, or substituted with 150 minutes high intensity.

       A 30 minute brisk walk is about 3000 steps.

    8. Ha, we watched the same tiktok and I’ve been meaning to do that math!

    9. The exercise minutes is interesting. I am mid 60s, not overweight although I have bumped up against feeling too heavy (I am very short, so I don’t have a long look). With the pandemic, my exercise routine was blown out of the water as I have never returned to the gym, but I remained active I have been surprised that my weight has been completely stable through all the changes in daily patterns. And yes, I exercise at least 300 minutes per week. That’s probably about what I do each week, although I might go up to 400 if my schedule and the weather cooperate. Maybe there is something to this number.

    10. I’ve read quite a few articles about a set point and it absolutely rings true to me. I am a healthy weight and pretty fit; regular exerciser and I est clean. If I’m being really aggressive with diet and exercise I can drop ten pounds (still healthy but noticeably thinner on my frame), but it takes sooooo much focus and work to maintain that, that it never sticks for more than a month or two. Sometimes I’ll go up a few pounds but I usually notice and do a little check in / habit switch (like….I probably need to stop having that hot chocolate EVERY NIGHT just cuz it’s December) and drop back down pretty much immediately. I think one of the best mental health breaks I gave myself this past year was to recognize that I can be my weight or I can keep fighting those ten pounds forever. I donated / sold SO MANY CLOTHES that have been filling my closet because they’re just one size too small and surely I could go down one size and west them again! Getting rid of them has freed me from thinking that every single day. It really has enabled me to think more about my body in terms of “did I eat well / how do I feel / how does exercising feel this week and am I stayjng strong” rather than “if I avoid carbs all week and run during lunch on this day and maybe fit in this workout and skip breakfast I can wear that dress for that conference next month”….. I don’t miss that at all.

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