Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Mya Fitted Contrast-Binding Blazer

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1. This is a very self-indulgent post, I found the responses from this community really helpful previously, and I hold what has been said close, and re-read regularly. I’ve been posting about the dramas in my life separating from my alcoholic abusive husband. The police case is still on going – I’m waiting to give a further statement, and then I wait and see what happens. In the last few days the grief is really hitting me hard, as I process that he is not going to be in my life ever again, yet he is out there within touching distance, and I have to get my way through the police process and divorce, so I can’t put him in his metaphorical grave and move on.

   I know there was mostly bad, but the good memories keep creeping in. I went to a community event at the weekend, and so desperately wanted him there, and to tell him all about it. My sensible head is telling me he would not have been there if we had been together, and I would have been stressed about getting back to him, or indeed would not have gone. I realise I am mourning something that was not there, the hope of the life we were about to have (we had just moved to a new area and community and had so many hopes for the future – the reality is he was drunk for most of the 6 months, and we only went out to do things a handful of times, despite all the anticipation of a new start)

   How on earth do I get through this one, any advice or thoughts from anyone who has been there? Thank you again.

   1. “I realise I am mourning something that was not there,”

      This is what will get you through. It’s great that you already recognize this. Continue focusing on the fact that what you are missing was, for the most part, not real. It was who you wish he was. Who he could have been if he was a better person. Maybe give it a name? “I miss fake John. Real John would have skipped or shown up drunk and angry.”

      1. This, right here. What helped me was labeling the”something that was not there” as my hopes and dreams for the relationship. That way, whenever I was sad like that, I could tell myself I was sad about the hopes and dreams, and not about my ex.

   2. Therapy can help. In the meantime, there are different techniques to try to redirect your brain when these thoughts crop up and you spiral. You’ll have to Google them and just see which ones help.

      Maintain no contact or gray rock. Physical exercise for the endorphins and for small attainable fitness goals.

   3. Our circumstances are different, but I separated from my husband at the beginning of December and moved out on new years day. My advice: move forward, look to the future and focus on all the things you can do without him. I had good and bad days for a few months, now I’m at almost all good days. Try to avoid sentimentalizing. It’s a natural impulse I think, but it only makes things harder. My ex was my high school sweetheart, and we had been together more than half my life, so in a way it felt like I cut off one of my own arms. When I’m away from home sometimes I still think, “oh I should call ex” or “I should tell ex about this,” before I remember, and then I get sad.

      But overall, four months after moving out, I have absolutely zero regrets and am thinking with more and more frequency “I am happy.” Since I was never single, I’m having a great time sleeping around and living on my own. I thought I would be lonely since I don’t have many local friends, but I am so busy I can barely keep up. I’ve been leaning into doing the things my ex didn’t like, no matter how petty (taking the elevator to the second floor, for instance, haha). All of this is just to say grit your teeth and keep going. Rooting for us both!

      1. +1 to all this. I divorced my college sweetheart in my early 30s during the pandemic. We had been together for all my adult life, since I was 18, and when I found out about his affair, it was like gravity had been pulled out from under me. Despite being 100% confident in my decision to divorce him, there were still so many times that I missed him and wanted him back with me. This board was super helpful at the time.

         It really just takes time, and it’s not a linear path. Keep pushing through, and know that you’ll get there eventually. Spending time with friends and creating new memories really helped, as did casually dating (very weird at first, having never really done so!). I’m now almost four years out from it, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a very very long time.

         Good luck to you both!

   4. Therapy. This sounds really hard, but you will come out on the other side.

   5. Your brain is playing games with you as it prefers “bad but known” than “good but unknown”. Advise to overcome toxic relationships:
      – No only “no contact” but also do no think about him (dont check social media, dont try to find out what he is doing, etc.)
      -Make the “terror list”: seat to write everything that was awafull in your relationship and re-read it each time you need.
      -Have a list of friends you can reach when you need to vent, cry or be reminded about the real situation with him. If you can have some of those friends to comit to hang out with you one day a week better.
      -Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat healthy and exercise. Schedule a day to pamper yourself (could be a buble bath at home).
      -Be gentle with yourself, it is going to take time but you can do it!

   6. Oh, honey. You’re doing an amazing job with a very, very difficult thing. Of COURSE there will be good memories and longings that pop up, whether real or fantasy. Just take it day by day, doing exactly what you’re doing. And keep updating here, too — we’re all rooting for you, and we all think you’re doing something really hard and doing it with grit and grace. Keep your head up.

   7. While I think everyone will say therapy, I never found it particularly helpful in addressing what you’re describing. When I wanted a partner to share my life with, revisiting what went wrong in therapy didn’t help move my life forward. What did was dating again. You don’t have to date seriously, but go out and have fun and feel desire for someone else, it’s got its own set of ups and downs, but it’s also nice to take on a new set of things to think about. Find some girlfriends who are also single and share with them. It will start to replace what you’re missing, connection and the possibility of the life you want.

   8. You’ve received a lot of great advice here. I will just endorse reframing. I remind myself I do not want to give jerks my mental real estate. Check in on yourself periodically; it’s going to start being easier.

   9. Yep, totally normal. For about a year after I left my mentally unstable ex, I had the urge to tell him about a book I read, something that happened at work, etc. Of course we had good times, and sometimes I missed the companionship. What I can tell you is that the more time went by, the less I missed him and the more I appreciated the freedom of being alone, living my life without walking on eggshells, and not being afraid of the mood swings. I’ve never for a single minute regretted my decision to leave. Sending you strength and love.

   10. Hugs, OP! When I was in your situation, I moved out but somehow I had this crazy idea that we would be friendly, and be in contact, and even see each other and use our joint theatre tickets and so on. Ha! He changed the locks on the house and went total radio silence. I was SO HURT but in hindsight it was absolutely the very best thing he could have done because it sped up the process of breaking that attachment. And finally I realized that the developmental task I had on my plate was just that: Breaking the attachment. It’s painful as all get-out but it has to be done, and once you get through it everything is a lot better.

       I literally woke up in my new, strange apartment every morning not knowing where I was, weeping. And this went on for months. I kept telling myself “the only way out is through” and “this time next year, things will be better.” And both of those things turned out to be true. And now, 11 years later, I am living a life I couldn’t have dared to imagine in my wildest dreams.

       It sucks but you can do it!

   11. I have been divorced for a long time now. It took some time, but I don’t miss him at all. In fact I get the ick when I think about him now.

       I am telling you this to let you know that someday you will feel as I do, and maybe sooner than you expect. Hugs to you.

   12. Oh honey. Not self-indulgent at all. I rarely comment on here, but since I divorced my alcoholic husband 5 years ago, whom I’d been married to for 15 years, I wanted to weigh in.
       What helped me in the end was giving room to all my feelings. So much grief and rage. A lot of my friends told me, “you’re better off without him! You only miss the fantasy!” It was true. 5 years later, I can say with confidence, divorcing him was the single best decision I ever made in my life. I cannot tell you how much happier and healthier my life is now.
       That being said, things were not all bad with my spouse. There were many wonderful things about him. What helped me was letting myself miss those, call a friend and cry about the nice time we had doing x, and, as many people have mentioned, therapy. A very valued friend told me, “expect a year of grief for every 5 years of marriage.” That was true for me–I seriously mourned for 3 years. My therapist encouraged me to express my feelings–I did much beating of pillows, crying, and sometimes, driving to a secluded place and screaming into the car. I also allowed myself to rip up magazines into little tiny pieces and throw them around the house so that I could visualize that yes, my life was falling apart. It was hard.
       After that, there would be random holidays and times (snowstorms!) when I’d suddenly be overcome with grief. I’d have to cry it out and admit that I really missed my ex, despite all the horrible things he did and that I was better off without him.
       Hang in there. The only way through is through. This WILL get better. Also, don’t know if you’ve explored this already, but I found al-Anon enormously helpful.

       1. Thank you for this – Anonymous at 6.20. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

2. Boston area ‘rettes-

   Doing a sister weekend in Boston in December to celebrate a milestone birthday, and could you advice on what part of town to stay in. We are taking in a concert at TD Garden one night, but really looking for a part of town that has good restaurants, shopping, is walkable and pretty safe. As all are 60 +, not looking for club scene!
   Should we stay near TD Garden, or just uber there from a different part of town? We’ve all been there before so probably won’t do the major tourist areas, although might take in a museum, depending on what is on exhibition.
   Restaurant recommendations welcome as well!
   Thank you!

   1. and “you” =”use”. Coffee please…

      1. you -> youz -> use

   2. I suggest staying in Back Bay, use Copley Plaza as a central point when you look for hotels. There is wonderful shopping along Newbury and Boylston Streets and the side streets from Arlington St. to Mass Ave. It might be fun to have afternoon tea at the Boston Public Library–it is a gorgeous building, and worth doing the tour or a self guided tour to see the murals, including a set painted by John Singer Sargent. Charles Street is really fun to browse, and there is a charming bookstore/cafe that is worth taking in.
      You can Uber to the Garden…or take the T. I’m not one to give restaurant recommendations, but others will weigh in, I am sure. Have fun!

      1. Seconding this one. I lived in Boston for years and I was surprised during a recent business trip how much I loved the location of the copley plaza Fairmont.

      2. My only hesitation with the Copley Plaza is that the park across the street is currently undergoing major construction. I’m not sure if it will be completed by this December, but something to keep in mind. I’d recommend staying closer to the Public Garden (not the TD Garden!) for easy walking/T/Uber access to shopping on Newbury, wandering around Beacon Hill, frog pond ice skating, the annual Christmas tree, the theater district,DTX etc. It really would be the most central location. And I’d steer clear of the Seaport during December as well – the Snowport Christmas Markets are hopping around that time and while fun, caused a lot of crowding and chaos last year.

   3. I’d stay in the seaport if you mostly want shopping/restaurants/walks by the ocean.

      Definitely have dinner one night at nautilus on pier 4.

   4. That sounds very cold!
      Personally, I love Beacon Hill and always stay there. Uber and Lyft is easy to get there and I’d just nod that for your event. I comment every time Boston comes up, but don’t miss Beacon Hill Books – they also have a cafe which is where I’d plan a girls lunch or dinner to celebrate the birthday.

      1. Yep! Beacon Hill Books is amazing, but ABSOLUTELY make reservations ahead of time. Especially around the holidays, it will book up.

         Would recommend Beacon Hill Hotel (for a more boutique hotel feel), the Whitney (for a mid-sized near-luxury property) or the Liberty (for Marriott loyalists). All are well located, but both the Whitney and the Beacon Hill hotel are a bit closer to shops in the area.

   5. We stayed at the Newbury and it was great. Right off the public garden, close to shopping on Newbury street, and we went to a concert at TD Garden and walked both ways – it was about 20 minutes and felt safe.

   6. Don’t stay at the Garden. I’ve vote Back Bay/Newbury/Copley (think old school Boston, brownstones, etc) or Seaport. For December, and not knowing your tolerance for cold, I’d probably err toward Back Bay so you have the option to do some indoor shopping in the Pru/Copley Plaza if the weather requires it. Boston is not big and you can easily uber/subway (“T”) to any of these locations regardless of where you stay.

      1. I would recommend Back Bay or Charles Street in Beacon Hill (the Liberty Hotel is across the street–that’s OK too, but the charming commercial part of Beacon Hill is Charles Street).

         I would not stay near TDGarden or in the Seaport. The Seaport is more vibrant than it used to be, but it’s not super-walkable to anything else, and it’s not very Bostony, except for the water part. It reminds me mostly of a new neighborhood that’s been plopped down, not a beautiful historic neighborhood, which is what I love Boston or.

         Restaurants – Row 34, B+G Oyster House.

         1. Agree. Seaport also hosts Snowport, skews pretty young, and is really difficult to get to the rest of the city from.

   7. Stay in Back Bay or potentially Beacon Hill. That will give you good access walking to Back Bay, Beacon Hill, and South End neighborhoods. Do not stay by the Garden (the venue; there is also “the garden” i.e., the public garden which borders Beacon Hill and Back Bay which is nice to stay next to), there’s just less to do around there. Skip Seaport – it’s basically just non-locals and retirees who enjoy it: full of brand new buildings, chains, and totally devoid of character, and you get the exact same experience there as you would in any generic tertiary city that has recently been built up (my family refers to it as the Richmond VA of Boston).

      Shopping and meandering are nice on Charles St and Newbury St. Dining is good in the South End and Beacon Hill, meh / overpriced for the quality in Back Bay. Harvard Square in Cambridge is cute if you’re looking to stretch the horizons a little but also totally skippable. Tea at the Public Library is good (as is just exploring the library in general) but in December requires an advance reservation well in advance, Beacon Hill Books is nice, Greystone / Flour / Tatte for bakeries.

3. I spent my entire twenties thinking I didn’t want children. When 30 hit, it was like my hormones exploded. I’m 31 now and I’ve decided I want children (and I’m dating a sweet man who also wants children). My social media algorithm is all baby content now, and I’m pretty horrified at how much I don’t know about babies. I didn’t even know they’re not supposed to have anything in the crib when sleeping because it’s a suffocation hazard! I feel like I’m going to be a terrible mother because that should have been obvious but I didn’t know until I saw a video on it. For those who are mothers, where did you learn it all? What can I start reading and watching that starts at the basics?

   1. You don’t. When and if you are expecting, you will have 9 months of books upon books to read, pre baby classes you can take, etc etc. When you have the baby you will go to the pediatrician quite frequently early on and they will ensure that you know the major safety things for your child’s age, if you don’t already. You are borrowing trouble with this anxiety here. Try to remove this baby content from your stuff.

   2. I don’t intend this to be harsh, but until you’re imminently expecting a kid, I just don’t know what you’d be getting out of a full baby-basics immersion. I learned the basics from the doctors during the pregnancy/birth/pediatrician visits. I did not read books, I did not take classes (except for breastfeeding, which turned out to be pointless), and still managed to receive all the critical, necessary information. Trust me, unless you give birth totally off the grid, you will hear about safe sleeping practices. It sounds like your anxiety is talking.

   3. I’d you really wants kids and can afford it, I highly recommend looking into egg freezing.

      1. Or just have a baby (relatively) soon… you’re 31, you’re with someone who wants kids, you know you want a kid. Why go through the hassle of getting, removing, freezing, and then animating eggs instead of just having the baby?

         1. +1. She’s 31, not 39.

            1. And if she were 39 it would be too late for freezing eggs. Either get it done before 35 or don’t waste the money. At 39, you need to be making embryos.

            2. +2, 31 seems too young to be contemplating egg freezing if she and her partner are thinking about becoming parents soon anyway (I say this as someone who froze my eggs at 36).

         2. +1, what???

   4. So first off, as an avid pronatalist, welcome to Team Have the Babies, haha. I thought I wouldn’t have kids when I was in my 20s, changed my mine, and now have four and notwithstanding a lot of negativity around mothering in the online narrative, I think it’s pretty much the best thing ever. I loved my kid-free years, and now I love my kid years.

      Second, don’t be horrified! If you haven’t spent time tending young kids and your friends aren’t deep in the newborn trenches, there’s no reason you’d know this stuff. I didn’t babysit and had little interest in children and I changed my first diaper in the hospital with our oldest. You will not be a terrible mother – first, you can take baby care classes (offered by your hospital) during pregnancy; second, for critical stuff like safe sleep, carseats, etc. the hospital and your baby’s pediatrician will be very proactive in educating you on that stuff. I honestly would not spend time reading stuff now because it can make you a bit crazy and it’ll still be abstract so you won’t have reality to ground you when you start (for example) going down an anxiety spiral about SIDS. That said, if you really can’t stop yourself, the What to Expect website is generally level-headed and evidence based if you want info on pregnancy and baby health and care.

      Like I said, I knew zero before I was pregnant, and now I have four and volunteer in my church nursery infant room, so it’s not rocket science.

   5. You really do not need to learn any of this before you’re actually pregnant! We got this huge tome when I was like 6 months along from the American Academy of Pediatrics called Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, and have found it super helpful both as general guidance and a reference for things that have come up over the past 4 years.

      Some people like Instagram resources but I do not. Some of this is my bias, but I think a lot of parenting Instagram content is really toxic and feeds on new parents’ anxieties and insecurities, and there are a lot of self-proclaimed experts on there who have no actual credentials. It’s not always easy to sort the wheat from the chaff.

      1. +1. Pregnant with my first and still trying to discharge all the garbage my best friend shared with me from Instagram during her pregnancy. I’ve picked up a few books and I’m counting on learning as we go for the rest.

      2. +1 to the social media doom loop.

         the dangers to children/teens is discussed a lot, but we don’t talk about (or more that we don’t realize) the danger of adults becoming mentally entrenched in the meme accounts. The goofy toxic marriage/wife accounts, my husband stinks, the mom culture accounts – whether perfect or “lazy-mom” accounts, etc. Don’t let it become the truth OP.

         1. +2. I really wish I had taken a step back from all the anxiety inducing social media stuff during late pregnancy and early parenthood. Spoiler alert, a lot of these accounts then try to sell you expensive courses to remedy whatever imaginary problems you might have. Get one respectable book and direct any remaining questions to trusted medical professionals or friends and family (with a grain of salt). Avoid most of the nonsense on the internet. The moms version of this s**e is pretty good for questions, and as time goes by you just get to know your kid and become more confident in your parenting. It’s normal to be a bit confused in the early days! Also you really don’t need to worry about any of this until you’re actually pregnant.

   6. You’re fine! Nothing can truly prepare you, and even after you get pregnant you have 9 months to get the basics down. Newborns go through 10 diapers a day, so even if you have never changed a diaper, by the time you leave the hospital, you will likely have quite a bit of experience. Also, expert advice keeps changing; my son is 11 and safe sleep rules have changed dramatically since he was born. I would suggest if and when you get pregnant, you read “Heading Home with Your Newborn” and take an Infant CPR class. Babies change dramatically every few months, so you really just need to prepare yourself for the newborn period.

   7. girl i never even held a baby before i gave birth. pediatrician and the hospital will give you the basics and the rest you will absorb via social media when you’re up 3am feeding your newborn. it will be fine

   8. I read Heading Home with your Newborn while pregnant. It covers the basics. But really I knew very little about babies when my kid was born. The nurses in the hospital show you a lot of stuff and then you just sort of figure it out. As someone with an older kid, babies aren’t that complicated. Diapering, feeding and sleeping are about it, and there are fairly rote processes for each. It’s when they get older and their problems become more individual and not easily solved by a book that parenting becomes more challenging. Babyhood is, comparatively, a blink in the journey of parenthood. I would definitely not try to read any books about baby care before you’re even pregnant.

   9. Omg please no. Get some chill. You do not as a woman who is not pregnant and not even trying to get pregnant need to know how to put a baby to sleep.

      1. There’s nothing wrong with learning about a topic one knows nothing about. OP is just interested.

         1. Declaring she is going to be a terrible mother despite not even being pregnant yet because she doesn’t know this stuff isn’t “just interested”, and I don’t think researching the topic will be helpful given that is where the desire is coming from (I would assume it will be harmful for her anxiety). As opposed to academic curiosity, in which case, sure – research away.

            1. This

            2. The people on this board split way too many hairs.

            3. OP is excited. We don’t need to pathologize every post just to get some cheap shots in.

   10. I really never spent time around babies before having them. The first time I changed a baby’s diaper was in the hospital on my newborn.
       First, the nurses at my hospital were really great about showing tips and tricks as new parents.
       I also think finding a pediatrician office I really trust helped a lot. Being able to call into a nurse hotline 24/7 can be helpful.
       I read the book “Heading Home with Your Newborn”. It was written by two pediatricians. A lot of what is in the book felt like common sense. But going through the motions of reading the book made me feel more prepared.
       Other than that, I remind my self, lots of people have babies and keep them alive. It works out in the end. The old adage holds pretty true, if you’re worried about being a good mom, you’re most likely a very good mom.

   11. There are in fact too many books and videos, in my opinion, and some of them are pretty nutty. I’d say step away from the internet and go to a bookstore and check for books from fairly well-known and credible organizations (like the American Academy of Pediatrics). The hospitals we toured also had newborn classes that we took about the same time we were scheduling the labor classes. And there is no substitute for hanging out with an actual baby – if your friends group has one you can hold.

   12. A lot of parenting “experts” on social media have no credentials or basis to give the advice that they provide. I had a preemie who was in the NICU for 2 weeks, so we see a developmental pediatrician for follow up every few months. (No issues, just standard practice at my hospital.) I have seen so many instagram posts with advice that directly contradicts advice I’ve been given by my developmental pediatrician and pediatrician. It makes me trust none of the social media experts.

       You don’t need to worry about any of this until you are pregnant. I knew I wanted kids for years before it happened, and did very little prep in that time. I did lurk on the mom’s page, but that was more to get a sense of what parenting is like.

   13. I’m an adoptive mom and had a 6 week old dropped in my lap at age 31. I knew nothing about babies except you’re not supposed to shake them or put them in your bed to sleep. Gently, I do think you’re putting the cart before the horse. You can take a class once you’re pregnant, but for now, focus on making friends with like minded women who have or want kids. The most valuable teaching tool a new mom can have is a supportive friend who tells you “you’ve got this!” I’m of the opinion that all women have at least some maternal instinct. TBH it took me a few years to tap into that instinct, but it’s never steered me wrong since. The fact that you’re thinking about all this means you’ll probably be a good mom. And avoid the urge to Google or follow “parenting experts” on social media. :)

   14. I’ll be the voice of dissent and say that I did some reading before becoming pregnant (the trajectory of my/our life was such that we thought we were close to being able to TTC more than once before it actually happened), and I don’t think it hurt me at all. However, I did not follow any Instagram accounts until I actually became a mother, and I’m still very choosy about those now. If one of them irks me, I unfollow without a second thought. And I do not pay for influencer courses.

       I accepted that aside from a few safety basics, not everything I read was going to be something I appreciated and took with me. I’d also caution you that your idea of parenting may change drastically once the baby actually comes. I was fine with the concept of sleep training until I actually had my baby, and then I changed my mind and there was no way I was going to do it. So be prepared to give yourself compassion about that shift.

       Heading Home With Your Newborn has been mentioned here already, and I also found it very helpful. Emily Oster’s work is good too. But as others have said, the hospital will give you a sheet on the basics. And honestly, taking care of babies is not hard in that it’s difficult to understand, remember or intuit. It’s hard in that it’s unrelenting!

       I’ll reply with another short list of books I did find useful (my kid just turned one so I’m not too far ahead of you, and I wish you the best!).

       1. Real Food for Pregnancy by Lily Nichols
          And Baby Makes Three by John and Julie Gottman
          The Nursing Mother’s Companion and the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (although really the biggest deal if you plan to go the breastfeeding route is an IRL friend who can help you and cheer you on!)
          How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn (despite the cringy title)
          Work Pump Repeat by Jessica Shortall (although it needs a bit of a tech update)

   15. OP here. I don’t think I worded my post right. I really just want to read something that will help me learn a bit about babies so I have SOME knowledge of what I’d be getting myself into if I were to get pregnant. Nothing too in depth. I know I’m a planner, but didn’t expect all the backlash on this one. Thank you to those who were helpful.

       1. Heading Home With Your Newborn was the best one I found. I also appreciated the work of Bill Sears, but I can’t remember the title right this second.

          I commented above, but I don’t see anything wrong with doing a little reading to prepare! Enjoy the anticipation.

       2. Parenthood is so much longer than just having babies though. The baby year is over SO quickly. There’s nothing wrong with reading some books before you ger pregnant but I guess I feel like it’s kind of short-sighted to focus on preparing for an infant when that stage is only about 5% of your hands-on parenting years.

          1. First we’re bashing OP for planning too much and now it’s short-sighted that she’s not planning for the other years too?

             1. I don’t think it’s short-sighted to do no prep at all until you’re pregnant. That’s what I (and most of my friends) did.
                I think it’s short sighted to focus on preparing for a baby at the exclusion of everything that comes after the newborn period. Her posts make it sound like having a baby is this huge, hard thing you have to research. That’s not really true. Vicky put it well – having a newborn is hard because it’s unrelenting, not because it’s complicated. The mechanics of baby care are one of the easiest parts of parenthood.

          2. I think that’s precisely why it’s hard to be/feel prepared for it as a prospective parent yourself – it’s hard to be meaningfully involved in someone else’s baby when the first year speeds by and babies prefer their parents over most other people. You have a much better chance of having meaningful experience with someone else’s toddler or older child.

       3. My husband and I were not baby people, until we had a baby. I really had a hard time once we had a child – this is how much of a not baby person we were….our first night with our baby, we put him in PJs at 8PM (because that seemed like a good bedtime for a baby, right?!), and put him in the bottom of a pack and play in our bedroom, and just….thought he’d go to sleep. Ha! It was a brutal, eye opening few weeks. In hindsight, everything I read at the time was geared to (1) how to be super pregnant lady – “Eat The Right Things and Never Stress or You’ll Mess Up Your Kid Forever!” and give birth painlessly, or (2) how to not kill your kid, so all the safe sleep, safe eating, safe whatever, nothing about how to actually comfort and soothe your baby. I wish I had actually taken a parenting class, spent more time around actual babies, and had an experienced doula or night nurse start with us right away. As a fellow inexperienced baby person, I didn’t know all the little tips and tricks that you come to figure out when you are around babies for a while — most books are going to give you the “correct” answer on how to get a newborn to sleep, but an experienced nanny or nurse or parent knows lots of secrets/tips that you just can’t get from reading. At least, that’s how I felt. If I could go back, I’d skip all the childbirth classes, and maybe take a baby class? But I felt like all the prep videos had cherubic, happy babies, and nothing but experience and eventually a gifted night nurse helped me understand, really, what to do with a screaming, unsoothable child (who in hindsight, was cold, unswaddled, and just needed some additional comfort for a bit).

          If THIS helps, said unsoothable child is now 12, and is probably my favorite human being alive, outside of my husband. We pushed through the baby years, and LOVE having an older kid. I’m really glad I listened to myself and allowed myself to answer the “yes, please kids” after years and years and years of “absolutely no kids.”

          1. The Happiest Baby on the Block, specifically the DVD, was great for practical tips for soothing a newborn; my husband in particular really found it helpful. Sadly I think the advice in it is now somewhat outdated in terms of safe sleep rules. (I swear it seems like the only surefire way to make sure your baby does not die of SIDS is for them to never actually fall asleep).

       4. There is nothing wrong with being a planner or being excited about this. Ignore the negativity – some people can’t bear to see someone excited without taking them down a peg.

   16. I asked one of my nurse friends for a recommendation for an infant care book to read when my friends started having kids. I felt totally clueless and I didn’t want to be the friend making inadvertently ignorant/annoying comments. She suggested Baby 411.

       I had my first kid at 35 and I learned almost everything from texting my friends tons of questions after having a baby. They were experts by the time I got around to having a baby!

   17. Agree with the other comments that you don’t need to research baby care until you’re pregnant. But you should talk to your OBGYN at least a couple months before you plan to TTC. Find out if you need to taper down your coffee habit to stay within a safe limit, start taking prenatal vitamins X weeks or months before going off birth control, stop using certain medications or skincare ingredients, etc. None of this would be catastrophic if you got pregnant unexpectedly but the adjustment may be easier if you’re prepared in advance.

   18. LOL do you think a man has ever worried about this stuff before there’s even a baby to take care of?

       1. Yes? A lot of men are nervous about TTC because they “don’t know anything about babies.” Seriously people, you don’t have to attack EVERY post.

       2. Nope

   19. When I was born in the 1970s, parents were told that they absolutely, positively, must put babies on their stomachs to sleep or they would suffocate. When my kids were born in the 2010s (and I believe it’s the same now), parents were told that they absolutely, positively, must put babies on their backs to sleep or they will suffocate. I was told that I must never, under any circumstances, allow my children to have any kind of nut before age 2 because of deadly allergies. Now parents are instructed to give small children nut-containing snack foods or peanut butter on a spoon in order to *prevent* deadly allergies.

       Reading baby books is fine (avoid the What to Expect series) but honestly, choose a reasonable pediatrician and avoid the tidal wave of advice now available.

       1. Agreed

   20. I’ll just point out you’ve described 99.8% of men who become dads and they mostly do fine.

       Avoid social media. Read Emily Oster and go to the parenting classes that most hospitals offer, or see if there’s a local community ed class you can take. But don’t sweat it. You’ll do great!

       1. I thought the parenting class (which covered some nursing basics) was not a waste of time, as opposed to the childbirth classes that I signed us up for which were way, way too long and not very relevant. The childbirth class (held in a hospital) was like 90% giving birth without pain medication or other medical intervention. Pretty much everyone in the class had fairly serious complications and/or intended to get an epidural, but I guess the one woman who was really into moxibustion and the childbirth educator had fun talking about breathing exercises. It would have been way more helpful in my situation to learn about how it goes with an epidural (which I had) and a c-section (which I also had).

   21. We figure it out as we go along and we make mistakes. You will be a great mom because you want to be one!

   22. I told everyone I never wanted kids until I was almost 30 and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

       I was so amazed at the hospital when they discharged us with this tiny, helpless baby and no users manual! My users manual became the American Academy of Pediatricians “Caring for your Baby” book. I kept it on the table next to the chair where I spent hours breastfeeding.

       You’ve got this! There’s more advice out there than you actually need. The biggest trick is turning off the unwelcome stuff.

   23. I really thought this would be a post with a lot of helpful replies. Boy, was I wrong. OP, take this post somewhere else, or ask your mom/aunts/friends/local library for books to read. I’m in the same boat…I have no idea how much a baby sleeps, what time they usually sleep, how much they eat, etc. Seems like a fine topic to learn more about and there’s no need to wait until you’re pregnant (that sounds like crazy advice, frankly).

   24. You’re going to find all of this out when you’re pregnant and reading the “what to expect” books, and they go over it a ton in Lamaze classes, etc and in the paperwork you get at the hospital before you take your kid home. You really don’t need to know it pre-baby. When you start Googling “best crib for baby” you’ll find a million articles on best sleeping practices.

   25. A lot of it is instinct and common sense. I found reading books helpful and checked out a bunch from the library. Once you have the baby though, they can be a lot of work but it’s usually not extremely complicated work. :)

   26. You find your tribe and ask questions! Even if it’s just an online message board tribe. I’m a mom of tweens now and I know that many of us here on this board are here for you to ask any questions. BTW everyone has “terrible mother” moments, you live and learn and you do better. You will be fine!

   27. I learned all that when I got pregnant. You have about 8 months to prepare, and your OB might send you to a class where they talk about all that stuff.

4. We recently did some construction that “ate” the existing closet in one of my daughters’ bedrooms. We need to replace it with a new closet.

   Our options are (1) give her an on-the-smaller-side pretty standard size closet and leave a lot of walk space for a large dresser or (2) build a nice wide closet (up to 13’) with bifold or sliding doors and leave her with only space for a small bureau. In this scenario we would create room for a dresser inside the closet or have a fully customized closet with drawers etc that negate the need for a dresser. This scenario leaves a wall for a desk, which in theory could be used for a big dresser if a kid didn’t want or need a desk.

   Other info: this is our forever home, this is one of 4 bedrooms, and the town is one where nobody but a family with children would ever buy our home (we are in a “move here for the schools then leave after graduation” type town).

   So…what’s more appealing?

   1. Larger closet with built in drawers

      1. Yes. Once you have a customized closet with built-in drawers, you will wonder how you lived without them. Go all 13′ and use one of the closet systems inside-Elfa, ClosetMaid (the Elfa knock-off, which is fine) or one of the customization companies. I am sure there are others, but they can all be rearranged as she and her clothes grow. The other alternative, which I see on social media a lot but would have significant downsides for resale, is an Ikea Pax system made to look like it is built-in. I think the resale downside is that it may not constitute a “closet” for purposes of designating a room as a bedroom. Also, if you are constructing anyway, you might as well build an actual closet.

         1. +2!

      2. +1

      3. This.

   2. A big closet with room for a desk sounds ideal to me.

   3. I think #2 sounds similar to a built in PAX type closet – personally I would love that and skip the doors altogether. Drawers on all the lowers, cabinets with doors on the uppers. Young House Love and Yellow Brick Home and Shavonda Gardner all have this style closet in their primary bedrooms for reference, and googling built in PAX type closet gets you lots of options. I always think it just looks so perfect. Plus I have taken the doors off of every closet I’ve ever regularly used. Especially since you’re not planning on moving/reselling soon so you don’t need to worry about official “closets”.

   4. Whatever option lets her have a desk. It’s more important to have a room where she can work on projects and hobbies and live her life than maximum storage

   5. OP here- this is what we want to do but I was afraid it would basically leave the room in only one configuration, no real dresser outside the closet, and that would be too restrictive for the next homeowners.

      1. I’m not sure exactly what version you’re replying to, but I’ll reply to the sentiment – Personally I wouldn’t make decisions in my forever home for the next homeowners. I’m in my forever home (barring anything dramatically life-upending happening) and we make all kinds of decisions without any regard to the future homeowners because we plan on being here for 50+ more years. Plus I think it’s there’s 50% chance future homeowners would like it anyway, and if not, it’s something that they can change. But presumably you would have gotten 15-30 years of use out of how you like to use it, and that matters way more.

         FWIW in our starter home that we sold, we made some bold-ish choices that we did not undo when we went to sell (removed a closet door, painted a closet bold teal and removed that door too), and I know the current owners and they kept those same changes.

      2. You said it’s your forever home, but you’re worried about resale and also people always move after graduation? Which is it?

      3. Fooey on the next homeowners, says I.

         1. When my husband and I were building our forever house (we’re at now) the inspector made us put in several specific electrical things for “future homeowners”. It was not code (my husband is a master electrician and was doing the electrical), the inspector admitted they weren’t code required, but wouldn’t pass us without a fan box in several random places (like the laundry room…). My husband really didn’t argue with him since it was just easier/faster/cheaper to install the fan boxes he wanted but there was A LOT of “fooey on the next homeowners” said.

      4. I live in a big old house and my main/master bedroom is larger than most standard bedrooms. Even so? There’s only one configuration that works for the furniture layout, thanks to lots of windows and doors. I wouldn’t worry about that detail.

5. Any recommendations for a fun night out in Atlanta? Group is mid/late thirties, and we like cocktails, good food and live music. We’re staying downtown but willing to take Ubers to a fun neighborhood.

   1. Ponce City Market

      1. They have live music at City Winery.

      2. I would start by ubering to Krog Street. Grab a beer and some dumplings at Gu’s Dumplings. Then I would walk leisurely to Ponce City Market via the Beltline. Maybe stopping in at Monday Night Brewing on the way. Once at Ponce, I would explore and maybe head to the roof. Finish the night off at the Clermont Lounge, which is a easy to get to from the beltline.

         1. This might be a perfect itinerary! I’m not OP but I want to do this with my friends.

         2. I love some Gu’s takeout, but there is much much better food in Atlanta, and much better dining experiences, including in those areas, if the meal is important. Just saying.
            Also, know what you are getting into with Clermont. It’s not for everyone. And be sure everyone has $20 cash on them to get in.

   2. Johnny’s Hideaway is always a blast (go later in the evening)

6. Has anyone tried the Cara Mia crossover bra? When I went totally WFH in 3/2020, I bought Calvin Klein wireless bralettes. They got me though the period when I was thinking only about being safe. Now I am paying attention again to how things look, and I realize they don’t provide any support, and I look saggy. But I’m not willing to go back to the normal underwire tshirt bras I used to wear. Any suggestions welcome. I am 34B-C. 58 years old. Size 4 (mostly). Thanks.

   1. Same age, same situation, but an A cup. The soft bralettes weren’t doing it for me. Target has a good selection of wireless bras in all sizes, and I loved being able to try on a bunch of styles in store and not having to ship unwanted items back.

   2. Similar situation here re bra size and experience. I posted on the moms site about the Honeylove wireless bras but I haven’t pulled the trigger.

7. Is anyone on here divorced with younger children that travels an okay amount (once a monthish) for work, with a not always predictable travel schedule? I mean, usually known enough in advance but often can’t pick the weeks. How do you make it work? Did this affect your level of custody?
   Thank you

   1. I am not divorced but my spouse is in a medical specialty with crazy hours.

      I posted on our neighborhood facebook group for a babysitter and found a SAHM with older kids who is willing to come early in the morning (like 5 or 6 am) and take the kids to school. She is also able to do pick ups, make dinner, etc and stay overnight if needed.

      She lives two blocks away and we are also ok with her older kids/husband hanging out at our place to spend time with her. For example if she is staying for two days, her family will join her and our kids for dinner at our house. We leave money for delivery for all or have enough food stocked.

      We pay her very generously and generally treat her like gold. My spouse and I often joke that she is actually the most important member of our family because our lives would not work without her.

      It’s a win/win because she makes some extra cash for her family while still mainly being a SAHM and we get support.

      Good luck!

   2. Are you divorced yet or considering divorce? My husband has this schedule. It works out okay but we don’t have primary physical custody. You’ll need a good relationship with your co-parent – my view (for a variety of reasons) is that the co-parent should be your first stop for backup care unless you’re divorcing because the co-parent is unfit or non-local. You’ll speak need good backups to the backup, whether family or trusted sitters, if your co-parent can’t take the kids while you’re traveling.

      1. For my friend in the post below who can’t/won’t swap with her husband, kids end up in a lot of “creative” childcare set-ups if they are being hosted by a parent who has to travel or work a tough schedule. Both parents seem to agree that it’s not the best solution for kids who have a local, safe parent who could typically provide backup care, but the relationship is contentious enough that neither parent will willingly swap without a huge back and forth/fight. She wishes she had better “swapping” language in their agreement so it didn’t feel like she is giving up without getting any time back.

         1. So my husband and his ex are on much better terms now, but the “swapping” thing was a huge issue for them as well. Their co-parenting counselor had to just be like, Both of you need to realize that if you are asking your co-parent to take the kids so you can travel, your co-parent is doing you a favor. You’re not doing them a favor. That may mean they get more time with the kids this month than you do, and you have to stop viewing that as something unfair or unjust. It took work, but now they don’t try to true up parenting time to account for changes due to work travel and it has really reduced conflict.

   3. I have a good friend with this situation, and it hasn’t seemed to impact her custody — but she also has a pretty good relationship with her ex. They are able to swap weeks without playing “gotcha.” Another friend who has a very contentious relationship with her ex uses his work travel as leverage when he isn’t playing fair. If you haven’t signed a custody agreement yet, strongly recommend working with a very, very experienced attorney who can help draft guidelines into your settlement agreement that both (1) work with your ex’s personality type, and how your ex is likely to behave once separated, and (2) have been actually used by real people before (this is a question to ask your attorney — have they drafted this language before with real clients, and did those real clients end up back in court over disputes that arose under the language that was used?)

   4. I’m not, but I have a friend who is in a similar situation. How amicable is your divorce? She is still on what I would say is very good terms with her ex-husband, so they generally just adjust or swap days to accommodate their travel schedules.

   5. I’m in this situation. I have 50/50 custody. It works for me because I have an excellent relationship with my co-parent, two grandmas within a day’s drive, and a husband who is always willing to step to the plate to be a third parent when necessary.

   6. I do, but I have the child with me most of the time as her dad lives out of state. It’s not easy. Right now our former nanny can come and stay, which is great because then I don’t worry at all. (She runs a tight ship.) It ends up being very expensive though. For a trip later in the spring my child’s dad and grandma will come and stay. I don’t feel super comfortable leaving her with just dad but if grandma is there too I’m OK. It’s a lot of puzzling and preparing, and when I’m on my work trips I miss her terribly. So I will likely reduce my work travel this year, even if my career takes a hit. (I also have really bad anxiety and being away makes it worse.)

8. After fighting a pinched nerve that was not improving for 8 weeks and after an MRI, I found out this morning that I have a herniated disc between C4 and C5 of around 9mm. I’m scheduling with an orthopedic physician in the next couple of weeks to discuss an epidural steroid injections. Hopefully, I won’t need surgery, but I’m fine going that route if necessary. Has anyone ever had these injections, and have any insight or tips for dealing with the continued pain and numbness in the interim?

   1. Core work. I’ve had a herniated disc for years that causes pain and issues and it’s my understanding that neither the injections nor surgery will really help in most cases. You need a very strong core to take the pressure off your spine.

      1. I agree with this, first physical therapy and then pilates every week. I was in your situation around 2016. I was on my traumatologist surgeon’s list for surgery and after 6 months of physical therapy in the hospital I was discharged. That was 8 years ago and I got my normal life back

   2. I also had a herniated disc/pinched nerve, but mine was in a different spot. I had a ton of pain and numbness in my hip/leg, and even the bottom of my foot hurt. Two things helped: an initial dose of prednisone and every other day yoga with a focus on core/back. It was shocking to me how much the yoga helped. You can also go to a PT to give suggestions on exercises. I’ve heard surgery often does not help, so I was trying to figure out some alternatives, and I am so glad that I did!

   3. Ask about a referral to a physical therapist. They are great at providing exercises you can do to strengthen the area. Don’t do yoga without the doctors ok, it can be horrible for many backs.

   4. I have a bulging disc in my lower back. My first injections resolved about 85% of my pain, but the next two didn’t make a difference. Still there but manageable.

   5. Had one in my lower back and got an injection. It pretty much took care of it.

   6. How are you fighting it?

   7. My husband has a herniated disc with nerve impingement in his upper spine/cervical area. I can’t remember what C it is.

      He had a consult with a surgeon but was getting pretty good results from physical therapy and a prescribed home traction device. He put off the surgery to see if he would keep improving, and now he’s been “renting” the traction device for so long he owns it.

      He lays on the device for something like 20 minutes 2-3 times a week & has still not had surgery. It has been several years now, 10 ish.

      Needless to say, I recommend physical therapy and traction!

      1. That was my situation too around 2016. I was in my traumatologist list for surgery but after 6 months of physical therapy (no traction but different exercises in “back school”) in the hospital I was discharged. I continued with pilates to strenght my core I continue doing it. It has been 8 years and I have a completely normal life now.

9. I’m intrigued by the robotic window washers I’ve seen on social media. They use some combination of suction cups and magnets to hold a device to your window (inside and outside) and clean the window. I think they’ve gained popularity outside of the US more than here. My windows are looking pretty cruddy but I hate hiring someone to climb on a ladder to clean the second story windows – just does not feel that safe.

   Anyone have personal experience with one that you can share, including brand?

   1. For those with double hung windows, you can clean both sides yourself from inside the house. I know this is not what OP asked. I’m just throwing it out for those who have them or are looking to buy new windows.

      1. How does that work?

         1. There are latches that they have which help the outside window swing inward so you can clean it. Our windows are nearly 13 years old now but this was a ‘new’ feature Anderson offered and it really does make cleaning them quite simple.

         2. There are latches that release the windows and allow you to tilt them inward, giving you access to the side of the pane that faces the outside.

            1. Uh, not mine. Old house. They don’t work that way.

            2. Old house owner here. If both panes slide, you can raise & lower strategically as you reach outside (highly recommend a squeegie brush, like they have at the car wash) to wash the outside panes.

               I have storm windows, too, and have to remove the screens, remove the storms, then juggle the double-hungs back and forth to reach all of the external glass, but I much prefer this window dance over washing them from outdoors. A stepladder also helps if your windows are tall.

   2. …but that’s what human window washers do. They know how to safely climb a ladder and clean your second story windows. They can probably do it faster than it takes for you to figure out how to use the robot.

      1. And I bet they do a much better job! This seems like the kind of thing that was invented because people aren’t capable of calling a window washing service and interacting with human beings to schedule a service.

   3. This just inspired me to call and leave a message for a window cleaning service. :)

   4. If you live in a regular old two story house and have access to a hose, you can use those outdoor window cleaners that you attach to a hose and spray the second story windows from the ground. It works pretty well!

   5. Can recommend European tilt and turn windows – very, very easy to clean on both sides.

   6. I have also seen the videos from IG influencers—who all showed it on their gigantic plate glass window / slider doors.
      For me, they don’t seem practical…you have to store it 97% of the time! And the set-up and take-down for each window seems cumbersome; washer fluid tank and cords are not things I want to wrestle with.

   7. I love my robotic window washer! Once you get the hang of using it, you can do other things while the robot cleans your windows. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07FQWJWVF/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

10. Stuck in m-d on the other page, which doesn’t clear for six hours…

    Any recent reports from delivering at baby-friendly hospitals? I just found out that my local hospital where I planned to deliver has that designation and I’m disappointed. I’ve only heard negative things about how mothers are treated, especially if they plan to use formula or want to get an hour of sleep with the baby at the nursery. I know the data show that those behaviors can be safety risks as well. Any anecdata for me?

    1. I didn’t like it. I was exhausted and needed sleep, and they expected me to be the care giver. I kept fighting with them to take the baby for a couple hours and to use formula. I was breastfeeding but needed a break. I’m Indian, and my mother made the observation that most cultures around the world focus on the health and wellbeing of the mother. The logic is that if the mother is surrounded by care and support, the baby will do better as well. And also – the mom deserves love and help. Happy mom, happy baby. In American culture, we look down on mothers who need any type of help. The whole experience is very isolating. It’s like as soon as you give birth, nobody cares about you. I don’t get it, and I think in the future there will be all sorts of studies talking about how care for the mom leads to better outcomes. We are way behind.

    2. I delivered at two different baby friendly hospitals in the same city and the experiences were wildly different. We switched hospitals for #2 because #1 was so absolutely horrible. #2 was an absolute delight. I think you have to ask other people who delivered at that specific hospital about lived experiences as the label is executed differently. Also ask your OB’s office all the questions about what it means for them.

    3. I had a doula for baby #1 who was also an RN and a mother and I bet if I had said anything and gotten pushback, she would have lit that place up. For baby #2, I would have done it myself. I didn’t have anything I needed to go to DEFCON 1 on, let alone DEFCON 5, but for baby #2, I got my whopping cough / tetanus shot about 5 minutes after birthing the baby and my arms turned to rubber at some point (so could have dropped the baby while nursing) and I wheeled her down the hall to the nursery, dropped her off, and took a nap and then fetched her back.

       So, maybe a good doula is all you need for you.

    4. My sister in law delivered at one 3 years ago and has a rough time bc they didn’t have a holding nursery – the baby was in your room unless s/he needed NICU care. She had a brutal delivery (emergency c-section after she started hemorrhaging during delivery; she needed a blood transfusion) but the baby was in her room the entire time and she basically didn’t sleep until she was discharged. My brother was doing all the baby care so she could recover, but just the noise of having the baby in the room made it hard for her to sleep. And my brother couldn’t feed the baby bc they would not provide formula without a prescription, and when she asked about getting one she got a guilt trip about how it would impair breastfeeding and honestly she was too wrecked to push back on it.

    5. Are you planning to bottle feed from the jump? Because as someone who did that twice, you have a really long road ahead of you with people being absolutely awful to you about it. Relationship ending type of awful. Batting away the nurses and the lacativists in the hospital stinks but I promise you it’s the least of it. Just stand your ground. You can pack your own formula. You obviously can’t send a baby to a nursery if they don’t have one but you can ask. Congratulations and good luck. It does get better. I firmly believe I did what was best for my family. Lo and behold we are thriving while the smug people who disparaged me and my kids are struggling. There is more to motherhood than nursing.

       1. Tentative plan is to combo feed. I want to supplement until my milk comes in, give breastfeeding a go, and then (unless everything is somehow perfect and easy with BFing), combo-feed so my husband can be an equal partner in feeding. I feel confident about the plan and have no doubts about safety or what’s best for my baby and family, but you’re right that I know I can expect a LOT of pushback, especially in my area (NorCal).

          1. You should expect hospital staff to want you to nurse baby before your milk comes in. Newborns will eat colostrum and you will get the message that nursing on schedule is key to establishing successful breastfeeding. I say this not as a “you should do this,” but as a heads up on what to expect from the nurses and lactation after delivery.

             1. Definitely – I plan to feed colostrum followed by a bottle.

             2. Yeah I think you’re going to get pushback on this plan from the nurses. If you’re giving a bottle, the baby won’t nurse as much, your milk won’t come in. Nursing is supply and demand, and you’re removing demand.

             3. I say this with full awareness that some people choose not to breastfeed and that’s totally fine.

                If you do want to try breastfeeding, know that milk production is to some extent supply and demand. So if you don’t try consistently early on, it can make it harder later (emphasis in can – every body and every baby is different.) that’s why the nurses tell you that.

                I gave birth twice in so-called baby friendly hospitals and wanted to breastfeed and they had to give my baby formula because his weight dropped too much. Turned out he was just too sleepy to eat properly (he was 2 weeks early) and he caught on eventually. They also had lactation consultants who helped but I ended up going to multiple lactation consultants and nursing support groups at the hospital. I’m glad I did it, but I know very few people for whom bfing was easy.

                And even if it is easy, you will want your spouse to be able to feed the baby, whether that’s formula or pumped milk. (Combo feed in my experIence usually means breastmilk and formula).

                All that to say that I think the pressure/support varies hospital by hospital – talk to parents in your area. The most important thing is that either way, you will do great, and you are out of the hospital before you know it.

             4. Women don’t need to worry about supplementing decreasing the odds of being able to breastfeed. There’s good evidence that temporarily supplementing can actually INCREASE the odds of breastfeeding at six months.

             5. Hypoglycemia isn’t good for babies either so I would be cautious if they were really going to make my baby wait till my milk came in. Near me they will have a back up plan to prevent any risk of hypoglycemia.

    6. Yes, and a few thoughts:
       1. If you plan to use formula, write that on your pre-admission paperwork. I was really worried I would get a ton of breastfeeding pressure (because of my medical history, I didn’t realistically expect to be able to nurse exclusively and didn’t want to make spend all my time and emotional effort trying). I talked about it to my gyn when I was 28-ish weeks, and she told me that a big way the hospital’s “success” as baby-friendly is measured is if moms who say at the outset that they want to breastfeed leave breastfeeding, and that the situation is different if you say right away that you plan to feed formula. I actually brought my own ready-to-feed formula with me just in case but didn’t end up using it as the nurses happily brought us formula.
       2. There was no nursery. My baby was late pre-term so they took him to the special care nursery for a car seat check (and kindly did it around 9 pm so we could get a stretch of sleep), but there was no healthy baby nursery.
       3. Will you have a partner or other support person with you who can take on the primary responsibility for baby care? Realistically, that is the most helpful thing. I delivered around 11:30 p.m. and by the time we got to the postpartum floor it was like 1 am. My husband was like “I’ve got the baby” and told me to go to sleep for the night. I needed the rest after delivery, and it was a lovely way to start their bond.

    7. You aren’t stuck in mod. Your post is up there and getting replies.

    8. I think the online stuff is overwhelming. I delivered two kids at a highly ranked “baby friendly” hospital. I told my amazing GYN in advance to put in my chart I don’t want any “consultants” coming in to wake me up or in any way discuss lactation, and that I wanted formula in the room. All of that was followed. You just need to say what you want, and it helps if you do so in advance.

    9. I didn’t know it was now mainstream to bottle feed from the start. Surprised to see two (I think?) posters saying that was their plan. I get that lots of people switch to formula after not doing well with breastfeeding. Is there some sort of backlash against breastfeeding?

       My kids are college aged now. The only person I knew who chose bottle feeding from the jump did so because she thought of her breasts as sexual and her husband didn’t want her to use them in that way.

       1. Exclusive bottle feeding from the start is rare but combination feeding/supplementing is very common.

       2. It’s not common. It was my choice. Please don’t speculate that there was a s€xual reason for it or that it was somehow my husband’s choice. Maybe just mind your own business?

          1. A lot of women seem to get REALLY stressed when educated women say they plan to formula feed. Not doing it AT you…

       3. I breastfeed, but I have 3 close friends who only formula feed. For each, it was because they didn’t want to set a precedent that they were the primary parent and wanted their husbands to be equal parents from day one. And they all said that there is no research showing that breastfeeding is better in a developed world with safe water

       4. I bottle fed from the get-go. My milk took a while to come in (which is apparently pretty common in first time moms), and a very kind hospitalist ped told me “just give the baby formula, in a few days you’ll be dripping milk and you can breastfeed then.” That’s what I did, and ended up nursing for 1.5 years with minimal formula after the first week.

          I really hate the pressure on new moms toexclusively breastfeed. There are lots of studies that show breastmilk is beneficial, but using some formula isn’t harmful. As my ped (different person than the hospitalist ped) likes to say, “it’s the presence of breastmilk that matters, not the absence of formula.”

    10. I’ve delivered four kids at 3 different baby-friendly hospitals and I thought they were all fine? I had difficult c-sections (with various postpartum complications, blood transfusions, and assorted emergencies) with all of them so it’s not like I had an unusually easy experience.

        I b-fed all of them immediately after birth (while still on the operating table and in recovery), then husband topped them up with colostrum I had expressed ahead of time and then we all slept for a couple hours. I don’t know how having them in a nursery would have been any better – there’s a bassinet in the room; you don’t have to hold them the whole time. The nurse changed diapers at night when she came in for checks (so we didn’t have to get up) and DH did it during the day. I needed the help with nursing and I had also brought with me the formula I wanted to feed and b milk from a friend so could supplement in my own judgment and the lactation counselor was supportive.

    11. I gave birth in NYC at Roosevelt (horrible) and NYU-Langone (better). Re formula… I did ask for some when my second child was born so I could dribble a bit on my nipple so the baby would start sucking… nurses were hesitant but when I explained why they were more amenable.

11. Good morning, Senior Attorney. Which tour operators did you use for your Antarctica trip?

    1. Not SA, but I used Polar Latitudes for mine, and it was great. Small ship, the Sea Venture, so we could all get off at the same time. Billed as an “expedition cruise”, but not so “expeditiony” that it wasn’t extremely comfortable. Fellow pax (in December 2022) were definitely middle class folks working on their bucket lists, not serious “I climbed Everest” expedition-heads, or snooty billionaires. Prices were very affordable (for Antarctica), especially if you book well (years) in advance. Happy to give more info if you drop a burner email.

       1. Thank you!

    2. Good morning! We used Seabourn. Stupidly expensive but absolutely fantastic. My husband and I joked that we were the poorest people on the boat… (If you go, don’t skip South Georgia Island and the Falklands!)

       1. And let me hasten to add that people were not snooty, nor were they billionaires (who presumably are dropping in by private plane or private ship). More like what my mom used to call “MULTI-millionaires!” ;)

          1. Haha

       2. Thank you!

12. Has anyone put in lawn / landscaping sprinklers? We have .3 acre in a medium NC city with some big trees that suck up all the rain and leave the yard a muddy mess of clay soil. We can’t even use it (adults, kid, dog). How expensive was yours (we will need frint / back yard) and did it actually let you grow and keep a yard of grass? Any things to be aware of?

    1. $5-6K.
       But are you sure irrigation is what you need? You may need drainage, topsoil, sod AND irrigation. Or, if you are trying to get a lawn to grow under trees, you may also need to dream a different dream. I am working on drainage issues at a house now, and I would rather deal with irrigation. Drainage issues can suck up crazy amounts of money.

    2. Similar situation here. About .3 acre, upper midwest city, both back and front yards. Did this at least ten years ago, and can’t recommend highly enough. With that big of a lot, dragging sprinklers around was a nightmare and the lawn was super patchy. It is so much beter now. Having said that, if your trees are soaking up the rain, won’t they do the same to the sprinkler moisture? I might suggest visiting with a really good landscape architect first, before you spend several thousand dollars on a sprinkler system (going from memory here, as it was a long time ago).

    3. If rain leaves your yard an unusable mess, why do you want to add more water to the problem?

       1. Regular water would let the grass grow up enough so that the rains that come through don’t wet the dirt enough to make mud, is my understanding. To get grass to grow, you need a bit of constant watering at first, and we can’t get that. Getting grass established has been a long-term goal that I could never pull off with sprinklers on hoses that I’d try to move around on my own.

          1. The answer is a drainage and landscaping project. My backyard used to turn into a lake during heavy rains. We hired a landscape contractor to put in a system of French drains combined with some paving, then they leveled the lawn area and laid sod. It’s still going strong 10 years later. Still spongy during big rains – it’s always best not to walk on soaked ground because it compresses the soil – but not muddy and no standing water.

    4. Yes, in 2018 – in Charlotte. We did it as part of a much larger landscaping project. It was $6k for our 0.3 acre yard. I think at least $2000 of that was the additional, separate water hookup/permit fees. At least were we are, irrigation was a separate hookup and we could that tap into the other water line we already had.

    5. We do have lawn/landscaping sprinklers… but I would strongly suggest looking into a rain garden instead. The idea is you get native plants that are thirsty, so they drink the water.

       Reading your post though it sounds like the muddy mess of clay soil is the problem? Grass is really bad for the environment, please consider another groundcover! This is heavily dependent on where you are, but sedum or creeping phlox might work.

       Depending on what you want to use it for (letting dog out vs playing ball) the answer may change also.

       1. And rain gardens can be beautiful! Another thing to consider is the type of trees you have. Oaks secrete chemicals into the soil that inhibit the growth of other species of plants, including grass.

    6. Did sod not work? In NC and all new construction uses sod plus regular old sprinklers.

    7. If you’re trying to grow grass, we’ve used regular sprinklers while it was growing from seed. After it’s there we didn’t really need them, so I’m not sure it would be worth the install. I live in the woods so I feel your pain re: the muddy yard. Some of the alternative groundcovers won’t get rid of the mud so you want to be selective with the type of grass you grow. You might get good advice from a local landscaper on how to grade and seed to ensure success.

13. Do you ever see a freight train coming and just can’t move out of the way? I made a pretty key error at work (short version – setting expectations for an external client and did not meet them + some communication issues) and I pretty much deserve to be let go. My brain has just not been a full or even medium capacity during this pregnancy, it has been way harder than I ever imagined to work while being pregnant, and just can’t believe I might lose my job in the little time left before I go on leave.
    I am not even sure how to defend myself… this pregnancy has been so hard and I don’t know how to explain the fatigue, the hormone issues I’ve been dealing with, losing a loved one while this was also happening, and just the general terribleness recently. (Simultaneously, I brought in a new client and have received compliments on my work from other clients). I have really just not been at my best at work…
    It just feels like that ‘we’re letting you go’ freight train is headed right for me and there’s nothing I can say or do to stop it. I’ve tried to draw attention to the good things I’ve done too – but it just doesn’t feel like enough.
    I can probably find another job and would probably be somewhat less worried if I wasn’t literally going into a period where I couldn’t work (or am choosing to take time off to recover, heal, and bond with baby). We have some savings since I was planning to be off for a bit – but I thought there would be security in knowing I had a job to return to. I’m not even sure where to start here: (a) prep as if I am leaving long term and just get ready to face the music; (b) get notes from my doc say how hard this pregnancy has been; or a (c) option that I haven’t thought of?

    1. I think you posted before, but presumably your employer knows you’re pregnant and they’d be insane to fire you at the third trimester. You’re probably in the best place to have made a mistake, which doesn’t sound that bad in the scheme of things. Mistakes happen, everyone makes them. Just own up to your role in it, explain that you’re taking steps to ensure it won’t happen again, and this may infuriate some but blame the pregnancy a bit too – it’s a way to protect yourself here.

    2. You’re understandably spiraling. Slow down. Have you received any indication you’re about to be fired? Have they put you on a PIP? I don’t know the full circumstances of course, but being fired over one mistake would be an extreme response.

    3. Option C: breathe.

       You are dealing with so much right now. It sounds like pregnancy has been super hard on you. And you lost someone you loved! That’s a big deal!

       If you get let go over this, that will really, really suck. But if it does happen, here’s what you say to yourself: “My job now is to rest and have a baby.” And then do it. You’ll be great at it, promise. And you can worry about recovering career wise, resume gaps, burnout, motivation, etc. after that.

    4. Admittedly I work in government so I don’t really understand the potential of being fired in the private sector, but to me being fired for a single non-illegal or massively unethical mistake seems like a huge jump.

       Almost every project I’ve worked on has had a bump, several of which have been major, and it’s all worked out in the end.

       This is admittedly stressful and I’m sure pregnancy hormones aren’t helping, but I feel like provided this isn’t a pattern and you’re already on a PIP, you’re probably fine.

    5. The likelihood of you being fired right now is very low given the exposure to a discrimination suit that would create. If someone comes to fire you, I’d fight for your job – acknowledge you made the mistake, explain why you think it happened and what you’ll do to prevent it from happening again, and then wry clearly state the value you’re adding. Don’t just accept that it’s a done deal. It may be that you’ve shot your likelihood of future advancement but even just keeping your job right now is a victory and buys you time to look for something else.

       1. +1 to all this.

       2. +1, although I’m not sure I would argue with a firing! If you are worried, you can try to find an employment lawyer now. If you get fired (and it happens! I got fired when 8.5 months pregnant! Employers are dumb!), you can work that into a good settlement for yourself, esp if your pre-pregnant reviews were good. I got enough $$ to stay home for 6 months after baby was born, plus I still showed as employed on the company web s i t e. I job searched starting at about 3.5 months and found a new job and seamlessly transitioned in at the 6 month mark.

          1. Agree with the advice to get an employment attorney now. I was laid off at the beginning of the pandemic. She helped me with the severance agreement and made sure I was protected. They were trying to force a very one sided (and error-filled!) severance agreement on me.

    6. I have no advice, but a story: MANY MANY years ago, a law school classmate of mine was let go by our Los Angeles BigLaw firm WHILE ON MATERNITY LEAVE. She was understandably devastated. She ended up moving to St. Paul, MN for a while to write headnotes for West Publishing, which was not the career moved she’d hoped for. (I remember her calling me one cold, icy morning and saying “I’m dead, and I’m in hell.”)

       But. She hung in there and eventually landed a Fullbright Scholarship to study in Europe, became a law professor, and has been THE ACTUAL DEAN of not one, but two law schools. She is still married to her first husband, has raised two amazing children, is revered and beloved by all her students, and is basically the most successful, professionally and personally, of everybody in our class. And she’s so lucky because she lived in the path of full totality of the last solar eclipse and today’s solar eclipse as well. So. (If you’re reading, C, it’s your friend in Pasadena waving at you!)

       Moral of the story: Being fired sucks but it’s never the end of the story

14. Do you ever see a freight train coming and just can’t move out of the way? I made a pretty key error at work (short version – setting expectations for an external client and did not meet them + some communication issues) and I pretty much deserve to be let go. My brain has just not been a full or even medium capacity during this pregnancy, it has been way harder than I ever imagined to work while being pregnant, and just can’t believe I might lose my job in the little time left before I go on leave.
    I am not even sure how to defend myself… this pregnancy has been so hard and I don’t know how to explain the fatigue, the hormone issues I’ve been dealing with, losing a loved one while this was also happening, and just the general terribleness recently. (Simultaneously, I brought in a new client and have received compliments on my work from other clients). I have really just not been at my best at work…
    It just feels like that ‘we’re letting you go’ freight train is headed right for me and there’s nothing I can say or do to stop it. I’ve tried to draw attention to the good things I’ve done too – but it just doesn’t feel like enough.
    I can probably find another job and would probably be somewhat less worried if I wasn’t literally going into a period where I couldn’t work (or am choosing to take time off to recover, heal, and bond with baby). We have some savings since I was planning to be off for a bit – but I thought there would be security in knowing I had a job to return to. I’m not even sure where to start here: (a) prep as if I am leaving long term and just get ready to face the music; (b) get notes from my doc say how hard this pregnancy has been; or a (c) option that I haven’t thought of?

    1. Not sure where you are, but my local laws mean it’s basically impossible to fire a pregnant person. Also, I have made a few mistakes at work that I thought were fireable offenses and turned out to be pretty minor and no big deal. I recommend owning the mistake, immediately doing whatever needs to be done to correct it with input from your boss as needed, and just being transparent that you are going through a tough time and have reduced capacity right now. Are they aware of the pregnancy ? I work a pretty intense job and my OBGyn wrote me a note that I needed to be on a reduced workload for medical reasons, but I actually never needed it because my employer was pretty accommodating and once the first trimester fog lifted I was reasonably productive until about 35 weeks.

15. Does anyone has a comfortable strapless bra that isn’t awful? I find myself eyeing strapless or thin strap sundresses, but then never buying them because I have yet to find any semi-comfortable strapless bra to wear it them. 34B, if that matter.

    1. 34C, and I like my longline Natori strapless. It’s from Bloomies; Nordstrom had a different style that didn’t fit as well.

    2. 36B and I love the spanx one. I bought it for a wedding and was impressed with how comfortable it was all day. I’ve worn it many other times and am still impressed with the comfort.

    3. Try tape!! I’m a saggy 32D, have tried every strapless under the sun, recently experimented with tape for a night out and it was a g-d REVELATION. Lots of great tutorials online (or even do a google image search for illustrated charts of different methods). I was supported/lifted, it stayed in place all night and was really comfortable. Removal was surprisingly painless.

16. I’m not a big traveler compared to many readers here but am planning a milestone family vacation to Hawaii. It will be a family of four with two teens. We can get two standard rooms (hopefully adjoining but kids are old enough that it’s not a big deal if they aren’t) or a 1-bedroom, 1-bathroom suite (and kids sleep on couch/rollaway) for the same price. The standard room is about 500sf and the suite could be as small as 800sf. Or, we could all share one standard room and use the savings on spa services and more splurgey food. WWYD?

    1. I would get the adjoining rooms. Your teens will appreciate the privacy and ‘independence’ and you’ll appreciate the private space. I’ve done suites before and for my family it’s only worth it if the suit has an additional ‘thing’ on top of the extra space (a kitchen area, extra bathroom, laundry, etc.).
       You may also want to look into the ‘travel’ options on your credit card’s site – Chase has a new luxury program with extra amenitites if you book through them, ditto with the AmEx fine hotels and resorts. Chase will also sometimes offer more suites than the hotel sites themselves.

    2. Two rooms. No question, that’s the key to actually enjoying vacation. I’d still want privacy and time with my spouse. Fights just happen when everyone is crammed.

    3. Two rooms. Would you want to sleep on a couch on a dream vacation? Put them in their own room. Have some adult time.

    4. Two rooms no question.

    5. It depends on the makeup of your family, but as for what *I* would do, I would share a suite to save money. A milestone trip like that will be few and far between for us, and I’d rather spend the money on food, etc than sleeping. A family of four can be just fine in one room! And I know a lot of bonding happened between me and my family of origin during “forced togetherness”. I really don’t think it’s a big deal to have a young spry teenager sleep on a rollaway; I volunteered to do that in my family (of 5) so I’d have my own bed and it was fine.

       My husband and I have four kids and I will always put as many people in a room as a hotel allows to save that money.

       1. The suite isn’t cheaper. One standard room for 4 is cheaper.

    6. I love Hawaii and have planned two different trips there with multiple generations (kids, parents grandparents – once on my side, once for in-laws). In each case, we got a house with enough room to spread out. I get that VRBOs aren’t for everyone, but even at a hotel I’d vote for more space. With the time change, everyone is grouchy at different times so it was helpful to have some separation. We also loved having a small kitchen so we could make at least some meals at home (fruit and fish are cheap; other groceries are more expensive than at home but still cheaper than eating out every meal).

       A lot of the best stuff in Hawaii is free or almost free (National Parks! Beach! Hiking!). You can spend a lot of money on excursions if you want to, or almost spend almost nothing by renting a snorkel for the week and subsisting on Hawaiian shaved ice. Can’t go wrong, really.

       1. I’d go VRBO too. Unless you really love resorts and the teens need a fun pool. There are a handful of hotels that will let you buy a day use pass. Otherwise, VRBO takes cares of everyone and is more bang for your buck.

    7. I would get two rooms.

    8. Two rooms.

       I have done this and made sure that the kids’ room was on another floor in the same building (kids were 17 and 15 at the time). On check-in, we all went to kids’ room first, dropped off their bags, left room, had them lock door/hold keys, pointed out fire escape route from their room, they came with us to our room (so they knew the way), showed them the spot in the lobby where we would meet for dinner at X time and then parted ways for a couple hours. This was the first time kids had traveled with their dad and me (stepmom), and they had only ever stayed in the same room with their parents on vacations before. They were very excited to be in their own room, very proud to be trusted with their independence and behaved beautifully. We felt safe because they were a couple floors on one staircase away and knew how to evacuate in an emergency.

       They have since become really good travelers (wherever we traveled with them, we put them in charge of public transportation at least one day of the trip and now they can find their way anywhere).

    9. Two rooms if you feel like you can trust the teens to behave.

    10. If you’re not locked into a particular hotel yet, there are tons of rental condo complexes in Hawaii, even some co-located with resorts so you can share facilities. That’s always been my preference in Hawaii for our family of 4.

    11. Two rooms > one Br suite > one room. I would not call sharing a standard hotel room with two teens a vacation.

        I know it can be done, but it’s just…four people in a small room and two of them are teens? Big nope. I’d vacation somewhere less expensive.

17. I’m headed to Egypt in about a week and a half for 12 days with a friend. We are joining a tour group after a few days and doing all the basic/normal things with them, but we ended up with 2 days in Cairo at the beginning of our trip. If you have been, is there anything you would suggest in Cairo?

    1. If you golf, try to play a round at the Mena House Oberoi. 18 lush green holes with the Great Pyramid of Giza in the background. If you ride, go horseback riding around the pyramids, preferably at sunset.

    2. In my experience from 2019, Cairo is a tough city to be an independent tourist in for some sites. We did it for 6 days, but it was a lot of hassling. Coptic Cairo was very friendly and easier to do independently. The major Islamic sites were doable but tougher – I’d suggest hiring a guide for the day to smooth the way. Not sure exactly what your tour will be going to.

       We had fun walking around Zamalek and stopping in to a restaurant and later a hotel bar. That was easy. We stayed downtown Cairo near Tahir Square – if you aren’t staying near there, it’s worth a visit to see the general area, but perhaps not spend a ton of time. The old museum used to be there, not sure what the building is used for now.

       Another option would be a day trip out of the city – if your tour isn’t going to the older step pyramid in Djoser and the Bent pyramid (not the ones in Giza), I’d highly suggest getting a driver/guide. They were really great if you are into history or archeology.

       In 2019, Uber was extremely safe, cheap and convenient. (Relatively speaking. All car rides in Cairo are inherently dangerous IMO).

       1. We are staying in a hotel right off Tahrir square. They are actually still using the old Egyptian Museum as the main museum. The new building is open and you can get a ticket to tour it but the exhibits aren’t in at as of yet. It is promised for 2024 but we will see.

          Our tour isn’t going to the Step or Bent Pyramids so I guess that may have to be one day.

18. Time for new laundry detergent, and I’m considering Blueland tablets given the claims around no plastic. Any experience (looking to confirm your clothes still come out clean) or recs for other options?
    Usually, we just go to Costco and buy what’s on sale, but we are trying to be more intentional re: plastic and environment.

    1. i haven’t tried blueland. i have tried several of the sheets and imo they do nothing, you might as well run your clothes with just water.

    2. I am a big fan of the Eco Egg — I’ve been using it for years and I’m very happy with it. I pre-treat and/or soak major stains, but the Egg works for normal cleaning (I know because clothes come out free of stains and smells). You need to change the pellets after about 50 uses — make sure you keep track of the uses because it’s not easy to tell when to change the pellets just by looking. I have the refills autoshipped from Amaz0n.

    3. I made my laundry detergent for a long time. It is a mixture of Borax, washing powder and grated Fels naptha soap. It worked fine, and everything came in cardboard or paper. I don’t know anything else about its environmental impact. I did it because one of my kids was sensitive to a lot of perfumes, and it got very hard to find an unscented detergent that worked.

    4. I did arm and hammer detergent sheets for a vacation and was very happy. I’m considering switching at home as well

    5. We tried the Earth sheets a couple months ago. They didn’t get the clothes as clean as the liquid we use, IMO, and they cost ten times as much per wash load.

    6. I use Hey Sunday laundry sheets, and Dirty Labs enzyme booster. Husband is in construction and I do regular workouts, and the combination of these two get our clothes clean and fresh using our top loading machine.

       https://dirtylabs.com/products/bio-enzyme-laundry-booster

       https://heysunday.com/

       I used to use Sheets, and I liked those, but I switched to Hey Sunday and have been happy.

    7. Try Dirty labs. No plastic (aluminum bottle) and gets clothes super clean and smells amazing. Also unscented if that’s your preference.

    8. There’s a store in my city that refills soap, cleaning supplies, and laundry detergent, so we use that. We bought a bottle the first time and just get it refilled. I don’t live in a particularly big or crunchy city, so there might be a place like this where you are! I’m in Little Rock, AR fwiw.

       1. I’m in LIttle ROck also! What store is that? Green Corner?

    9. Thank you ladies! Appreciate the info

    10. I’m a fan of Indigo Wild laundry soap.

    11. We’ve been using Nellie’s washing soda. Bought a giant 5gal bucket from Costco online.
        Clothes seem clean. We’re diligent about pretreating stains (Puracy spray FTW!) and adding a scoop of oxiclean to smelly kids’ sports stuff.

19. Anyone else annoyed by the business as usual attitude around the eclipse? We’re not in the path of totality technically but we’re expected to get like 90%. It’s a big deal imho. My firm scheduled a CLE in the middle of the eclipse – which my colleagues apparently are attending(!!) – and I’ve had multiple requests for meetings during that time frame. I’m noping out of all of it. I will be at a winery down the street playing hooky. I’m a partner fwiw. I told the associates who work for me that they can throw me under the bus if they need cover, just tell people I gave them a time sensitive assignment. That must be completed outside. With your kids if you have them. Preferably with a glass of wine but ymmv.

    1. You’re doing the lord’s work. Our CEO flew to totality and it’s blocked off on my calendar for partial totality. People need more awe and wonder in their lives!

    2. DH and I were talking about this yesterday, and we just don’t get the fuss. Different strokes for different folks.

    3. Absolutely agree with your attitude! It is a huge deal and glimmers of fun are important. Meetings can wait!

    4. I have a friend who also had a training scheduled during the eclipse (not in the path of totality, but still cool), and she’s super disappointed.

       Much of my state is in the path of totality, and it’s been the complete opposite here. The predictions were so insane about traffic and infrastructure that everyone is afraid to leave their houses! I’m glad that people are excited and no one is getting flack for taking off work, but apparently a lot of restaurants bought extra food based on the predictions and now will end up losing money on the weekend.

    5. Oh I’m being a leader on this. I’ve cancelled all my meetings and said why. We are not so important we can’t take an hour to appreciate a natural wonder.

       1. I don’t particularly care about the eclipse but I like this attitude.

          1. Same here. love this attitude even if I’m struggling to care today, which is odd for me since I am pretty observant of full moons and seasonal solstices and equinoxes.

          2. Same. The eclipse is minimally exciting to me but THANK YOU for this attitude.

             It’s 70 and sunny here for the first time this year (after a week of rain) so I plan on playing hooky to enjoy some sun (before the eclipse).

             1. i agree specifically (about today and the eclipse) but also like the idea of a manager or who publically frolics and detours. Lead by example.

    6. I posted on the mom’s page, but I’m the exact opposite. I don’t get the hype. There were multiple messages this weekend in the daycare (for four year olds) WhatsApp parents chat about why wasn’t our school doing anything/who was sending in eclipse glasses/ was anyone taking their kids out of class to see it. For me, it’s one of those things that doesn’t stick in my brain. I will hear about the eclipse and then 4 seconds later totally forget about it. It just does not register as an important thing at all (as demonstrated by the fact that I don’t know there was such a thing as “eclipse glasses” until this weekend).

       1. Yeah. This. After spring break followed by a huge storm that took the kids out of school again plus a second spring break on the horizon I can’t for the life of me justify this as a reason to play hookey. I feel like a horrible parent that didn’t get the eclipse as family day message.

          1. Our school is topping that by not only canceling today but having a two hour delay tomorrow. It’s absurd. And I actually (somewhat) care about the eclipse. But why can’t school be held as normal tomorrow?! People are acting like the world is ending.

             1. Eclipses are more important than a day of school. If school did a better job educating people, maybe they’d understand why eclipses are historically and scientifically fascinating not just NBD!

             2. They can’t be liable for kids harming their eyes looking at the eclipse. I don’t blame schools for canceling.

             3. If it’s more important than the Wednesday after the Easter then they should have scheduled it that way when the school board approved the calendar. They can’t always account for natural disasters like last week’s storm but at some point before Passover break they need to go to school again and working parents shouldn’t have to rearrange their schedules because the board didn’t know an eclipse was coming.

             4. I don’t blame them for not having school today (and would have pulled my kids if they’d had school) but the delay tomorrow is what’s ridiculous to me.

             5. wow….that is ludicrous. I remember an eclipse when I was in elementary school – we got the glasses and everything and it was a total learning event. Earlier I was thinking that the one place I understand the hype would be IN schools.

       2. well i think it’s ok for you not to care, but that doesn’t mean that other people have to feel the same way and since it is something that might be important to others it is worth not scheduling meetings during it

    7. Kudos! This is both the right thing to do and this kind of caring about associates enjoying life beyond work that means a lot to any associate who has any sense.

    8. While I’m admittedly not too into the eclipse, I am generally irritated by the corporate approach to things (which is why I don’t work in the private sector; government isn’t perfect but IME it’s way better).

       I had one meeting moved and another canceled because they interfered with the eclipse. We’re also not in the path of totality but people are excited for it! Many coworkers took today off to travel to watch it. We got an email from our administrator encouraging us to safely take it in. And I do love that my office is supportive of this.

       I work in an agency that occasionally deals with life or death situations so I’ve found that when the work is serious, no fail mission people work very hard and very long hours to get it done. But, when we’re in steady state people are very supportive of anything and everything in the name of work life balance. They know that there will be weeks or months we pretty much give up everything for the mission so when we have a chance to pull back they’re very supportive.

       Also – it’s finally sunny and warm here after over a week of chilly rainy weather. We’re on the cusp of spring. My daily dose of vitamin D is more exciting to me than the eclipse, so I’ll be using my flexibility to call into a meeting from the park today.

       There is so much more to life than self imposed deadlines and budgets and whatever else we’re all working on. Everyone should have some wiggle room in their workday to embrace the glimmers, whatever they may be!

    9. Lol I am the polar opposite. I cannot wait for people to stop talking about this and it seems so dumb to me that so many people expect normal life to be paused for this. We aren’t cavemen here freaking out if the world is ending!

       1. Seriously

    10. I was in the path of totality during the 2017 eclipse and totally didn’t get it then, but since everything was closed, I went out with some friends to watch and it was amazing. I intended to travel for this one, but we’re 95% in totality, and I have a 3 year old that definitely would not have complied with wearing glasses… so I’m at home. Definitely planning on taking some time today to watch though!

    11. I am not in the path of totality this time, but for the last one, I took the day off work and drove down to the beach to watch it. One of my better life decisions, really.

    12. I am in the middle on this. In CA, we only get 15 or 20% percent, so life goes on. I did drop off a meeting a few minutes early and looked at the partial eclipse with glasses that I happened to have, and with a homemade pinhole camera. It was kinda cool and I took a few pics, but after 30 minutes, I am fine to go back to work.
        Totality might be different though.

        1. I enjoyed the peak partial eclipse here in the Bay Area about 30 minutes ago. I poked some holes in a piece of cardboard and watched the shadows take on the shape of the partially eclipsed sun. I’ve never been in the path of totality, but I enjoy the partial. It’s also fun seeing partial-eclipse-shaped shadows formed by the spaces between tree leaves reflected on the pavement.

        2. Totally is really different than even 95% partial. The total darkness and sudden drop in temperature are more amazing to me than just watching the sun get covered up.

20. I need some spring layers. I love winter bc I can throw a big puffer over anything and move on. It’s warming up here (DC) and I need some east spring layers to wear to walk my kids to school. I have a light field jacket, but it’s not warm enough for the mornings. I dont usually buy many spring clothes bc we transition to summer warmth pretty quickly. Could a fleece fill this void? Bomber jacket? I’m not sure where to look.

    1. i wear a uniqlo packable dultralite down vest under my sprig jacket in the mornings and it is enough. easy to store
       after it warms up

    2. My Levi’s sherpa denim jacket is surprisingly warm without being bulky. Size up.

21. I have an obnoxiously prestige-driven question so bear with me.

    How does the reputation of Northwestern Law compare with the T6/tippy top schools like Harvard, Yale, and Stanford? Is there an appreciable difference?

    I’m a current IL at a mid-ranked ranked school and am planning to submit some transfer applications after success last semester. I’m trying to figure out if I should apply binding decision to Northwestern (which would allow me to apply with only my first semester grades) or risk the possibility that I can’t replicate my GPA but hold out and shoot my shot at Harvard and other top schools, which require two semesters of grades. I’m very much leaning towards Northwestern’s binding early decision program, but I don’t feel like I understand their reputation within the legal community well enough to fully decide. Other than unicorn PI positions, would there ever to be anything I can’t attain from Northwestern? How is the school viewed in the legal community? For what it’s worth, I don’t plan to live long term in Chicago.

    Goals is big law, which is of course very attainable from Northwestern.

    I know this is somewhat of a silly question because any T14 is an amazing school and I’d have KILLED to even be in contention at a top law school last year when I applied for 1L. But now that I am, I want to maximize the opportunity!

    1. Even at a lower-ranked school, my advice would be to go where you want to work after (so, possibly, not Chicago). When I was in BigLaw in DC, we gave the side-eye to NYU kids who didn’t have an explanation of why they wanted to go to DC for a summer (figuring, without a reason to be there, we’d get at most a year or two out of anyone we hired). And that was from a great school in the same time zone with an easy train ride in for a call-back.

       Where do you want to be after law school if not Chicago? And are you there now?

       I’m now in BigLaw in the SEUS now and our only office that likely has people from Northwestern is our Chicago one (and they also take from Chicago and Illinois and other lower-ranked schools but with some local tie if not school).

       Alumni usually are tasked with OCI at schools they went to.

       1. i know tons of NYU, Columbia, Penn, Harvard, etc. alumni who got into big law in cities where their school was not located. (I’m a Columbia Law alum) yes, you have to have a reason as to why you are interested in moving there – either personal or related to the type of work that is done out of a particular office. I don’t know enough about Northwestern to speak to that specifically, but you can use LinkedIn to see if there are Northwestern Law alums in big law in your location of interest

          1. It’s do-able, but you need a hook to the city you want to be in. BigLaw in NYC or BOS or DC can so easily hire locally that they don’t bother to do anything more to fill their needs absent a reason to. My city hosts a “while you’re home for the holidays” event around xmas for students from our city who may go to school elsewhere (but elsewhere may be up to 8 hours away at schools we sent invites to; maybe you could self-invite, but we may look from DC to NC for students vs randomly asking from Stanford in the event they have a student from here who actually wants to come right back (IMO unlikely at first but possible once people are a bit older in life stage)).

             It’s a great school. It’s just that geography is such a big thing with lawyer hiring.

          2. +1. I went to NYU and was looking in Boston biglaw – everyone asked in interviews. I am from north of here so had a good reason that it was closer to ‘home’. NY firms never asked bc obvi NY is the center of the universe! ;)

          3. same — this sounds like outdated advice. i’m in a major city and my firm wouldn’t care so long as you have a well-rehearsed and sensible answer why you’re relocating when you inevitably get that question during the interview. ymmv if you’re applying to a slightly smaller market (e.g., boston, maybe san francisco) but i don’t think this has been as much of a focus as in prior years. imo, that’s a positive development. given that there are few partnership opportunities and most associates will (and will have to) leave, it’s a little bit ridiculous from my perspective to be inquiring about someone’s long-term intentions.

             as for transferring, i think northwestern is well regarded. i’d just run with northwestern’s program and see if you get in. i agree that the tippy-top schools are treated differently, but i don’t think they offer much of a competitive advantage if your goal is standard biglaw in a major market.

    2. Northwestern is in reality an incredible school but considerably lower in prestige than HYS or NYU or Columbia (because of pro-NY bias). Find out from a 2L who transferred out of your law school last year and get in touch with them – they’ll have the best guidance on your prospects and be happy to help.

22. We’re planning to go a trip to Paris over thanksgiving with our 12 and 14 year olds who are minimally interested in art but are very into wandering the streets, eating croissants, seeing the Eiffel tower, and browing small shops (bookstores, map stores, ‘cool’ secondhand markets). I intend to spend a day solo exploring the museums and we’ll do the Louvre as a family.
    Walkability, easy train access, but more of a ‘local’ neighborhood feel are important to us. We loved Notting Hill in London, and the location of the Four Seasons in Florence. Any suggestions of best neighborhoods to target?

    1. So we stayed in the Résidence Charles Floquet and could see the Eiffel Tower from our apartment, which was REALLY cool and I would recommend! L i n k to follow

       1. https://www.residence-charles-floquet.fr/en/

    2. Please consider Montmarte. We stayed there last year at Hotel Ballu with a 9, 13 and 17 year old. The hotel had great breakfast included and an indoor pool and sauna that you could book privately for your family for free (was so great after a long day of walking). We were super close to train stops. The food in the area is awesome as well.

       1. +1 I stayed in St Germain myself to be central, but I loved loved loved Montmartre on the day I visited. It’s not as crowded, feels like there’s more space to breathe, has great vibes especially around that time of year when you can get vin chaud and listen to street performances (that according to my local cousins are students from the performance arts school).

    3. I would stay in Saint Germain or Le Marais.

       1. We loved the Hotel Angleterre in St. Germain.

       2. Hotel St. Germain des Pres on Rue Bonaparte is fantastic and so walkable to everything.

    4. No advice re: neighborhoods but take them to the catacombs!

    5. Maybe the 11e arrondissement? It’s become kind of trendy and seems to have a high ratio of interesting-looking shops, definitely a lot of restaurants. Otherwise I’d say the 5th or 6th, classic Left Bank. But if you want a real local neighborhood, go to the 15e – rue Lecourbe, av. Felix Faure, rue de Vaugirard still have the traditional shopping (fish shop if you want fish, vegetable shop for vegetables, all the bakeries). They’re less central so not as convenient for touring but they really feel like Paris as I imagine it.

23. interview on a college campus for a finance job (i’m senior, late 40s, role is senior) have already had two zooms, will be meeting lots of people. i would like to wear something akin to a suit that looks current, age appropriate, and professional. i have an inexpensive old navy navy cotton blazer and pants that i bought last summer. it’s definitely a cheap suit but fresh and crisp. is this fine? am i overthinking it? is cotton too summary for mid april? i never wear suits in my current job, not really motivated to spend a lot of money on this …. other option is a black calvin klein pant suit that is very basic and also more than a decade old. have a lady jacket which i was considering with black pants but it’s what i wore on both zooms so feeling like i shouldn’t in case i see the same people.

    1. My worry with cotton is that it doesn’t have the gravitas for a senior role in your late 40s–and will wrinkle or otherwise look less than crisp after a few hours. I would go with the pantsuit if you can, or the “lady jacket” with some nice upscale jewelry and makeup/freshly done hair (if you wear makeup). Since most Zooms are waist-up, I’d focus on wearing the most expensive-looking and nicest/most high end of the blazers + making sure your face is well lit (a ring light makes a huge difference on Zoom calls, believe me)

       1. this isn’t a zoom. in person all day meeting all kinds of people. i have already zoomed twice.

          1. Oops, well in that case, even harder “no” on the cotton suit–go with something a bit more upscale.

    2. If you’re interviewing for a senior finance role, you need a good quality suit. Sorry. No cotton or Old Navy. You need to look like a grownup.

       1. Not in higher ed! People interview in jeans. I’d wear something nice for a senior finance time but definitely NOT a full suit.

          1. But this role isn’t really ‘in’ higher ed. OP will probably meet other finance, administration, business-y people for this interview day, barely any academics. (And this silo-ing of the teaching and research roles from those roles that ostensibly support them is absolutely killing academic jobs but that’s a topic for another day).

             1. I made the comment and I’m staff, not faculty. Higher ed as an industry is incredibly casual, even outside of the professors.

       2. +1!

    3. Is there some reason why you wouldn’t purchase something?

       1. because i haven’t seen anything that i want to purchase. i’m not buying hot pink or lavender (ann taylor) not buying a men’s wear style with huge shoulders…. i haven’t seen anything that i am inclined to want to wear.

          1. Okay, but obviously Ann Taylor has a lot of suits that are not hot pink or lavender.

    4. What you describe is probably fine if it fits well. I’d add a scarf in the uni’s colors if you can get your hands on one. Unless this college is unusually formal or you’ll be in a public facing role, a suit isn’t necessary if you have nice separates that make you feel confident and look professional. I recently left a director level finance position at a flagship R1 and for women, suits were the exception at interviews. Slacks/shirt/sweater jacket or dress/cardigan (it was in the south I saw a lot more femme vs power clothes) were much more common in accounting and finance interviews. Suits were only common for interviews in the GCs office.

24. Paging the so-called “McDonald’s poster” – how was the weekend? Are you okay? Did you call a friend?

25. I have a relationship question. My husband is a genuinely wonderful person (no serious “buts” here) however we find ourselves in a consistent unpleasant discussion around moving.
    We have unusual financial circumstances that often limit our options (he lives off investments with no W-2 / 1099 income, and my credit isn’t great + a general expectation here in my area that applicants make 3.5x the rent means that as the only “income” I’m limited in options for rent amount, as my income is average, in short). We were able to get into our current terrific apartment partly due to a windfall and I’m very grateful for that.
    Some of my husband’s investments have matured and generated extra profits and money is burning a hole in his pocket (basically). He has a frustrating habit of “thinking out loud” wondering about moving to X location –what do I think? whenever we pass nice neighborhoods, he gets a wild hair, he reads about something, he sees a YT video, etc.
    The plan we agreed on (that I have to constantly redirect to) is to move to Medium Town on the East Coast in 2025 where our money will go really far and we can get a big ol’ house for under 500k and several other benefits in terms of lifestyle/QOL.
    A vague “we’ll see!” or similar “gray rock” techniques don’t work, but taking the discussion seriously and spelling out all the reasons why moving is not a great idea right now results in him feeling stung and let down and a back and forth that leaves us drained.
    As an example, he asked about moving to Boulder, CO, one of the most expensive cities in the entire US, which has almost no apartment stock, and is 1-2 hours depending on traffic away from my job because he wanted to move to a “hip” luxury apartment building he found online. It would be fewer bedrooms than we have now and more expensive! We don’t drink, we have almost no local friends, he’s a super shy introvert, and I’m not into outdoorsy stuff. What is this “hip” lifestyle he’s imagining?!? Moving costs 1000’s of dollars we should be saving for our house.
    When I point this stuff out he gets crestfallen and I feel like Mean Mommy, but any attempt to get him to stop this in the future is met with assurances he’ll stop and then like 2 days later “what about a mansion in FancyTown, CO? What about a cabin in Owl Pellet, Colorado? How do you feel about that?” I mean…sure! ARGH.
    Any help here? Is there a way to handle this recurring discussion with grace that leaves him not feeling shut down and dismissed but leaves me not feeling all wound up?

    1. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he is onboard with the 2025 plan and/or is bored. Why don’t you ask him directly if he is still interested in the plan you previously made? I would also explore with him what makes these other place attractive. It sounds like maybe he wants to stay in CO. Since he is not working, does he have hobbies or volunteer work to occupy his time? If no, maybe gently encourage those things as it sounds like he is occupying his time exploring new places. Could a vacation scratch that itch?

       1. He keeps looking at houses in Medium Town on Zillow and asking if he can buy them right now though! (Which he’s kind of kidding but not much). He’s expressed a couple times he’s “over” Colorado (we both are) but I believe you are dead on he needs something to DO with his time other than go on flights of fancy.

    2. No, but I think we might be married to similar people. Mine is constantly going off in similar weeds (mostly about business ideas).

       To continue your current example, could you maybe ask him to expound on what he likes about it? “Oh, I just love the woodsy vibe.” “Oh, that’s fun. Maybe we can lean into the nature decor in our next house in Medium Town.”

       1. I don’t know what I was saying “No” to, sorry. Monday morning typos!

       2. Oh he has tons of ill thought out fleeting thought business ideas too, ha ha! I love him dearly but he’s very impractical as a general rule.

          1. If he’s very impractical as a general rule, then expect him to be very impractical about buying a house as well.

             What are you like? Often, a Highly Impractical Dreamer gets married to a ractical, non-dreaming Planner. Dreamers love the “what if.” The rabbit trail. the surge of creativity and possibility. That’s far more fun than carrying out the plan. So they go down the creativity and possibility path a lot, for fun. This drives Planners nuts. When Planner hears Dreamer talking about the latest big dream, the planner interprets it as if the dreamer is actually PLANNING. So the Planner goes straight into implementation or refutation mode. Because the planner doesn’t have a dreaming-for-play mode. The Planner doesn’t talk about things unless they’re getting ready to go onto a to-do list and get done. This drives the Dreamer nuts, because Planner is only about being a wet blanket and kills all the fun.

             Does any of this describe your dynamic with your husband? If so, you need a way to signal for each other what mode you’re in, so each of you know what kind of conversation you’re having and stop talking past each other. (Assuming of course, that’s he’s willing to becoming aware of his thought patterns and is also relationally mature enough to want to find ways to communicate that work for both of you. )

             1. I read something like this ages ago and it explains my relationship with my sister. She has been talking since her kids were babies about how she and her partner are going to leave our area and buy LAND (she says it like that) in a place like Alaska, Wyoming, or Maine and build a house and live a simple life. She doesn’t say it like “maybe someday,” she says it like it’s a certainty. And I, the planner, am always like how? But you’ve never been to Maine. How much does it cost to build a house? How long will it take and where will you live? When will I ever get to see my niblings? How will it work?

                So I’ve now attended two of my niblings’ weddings and the next generation is well underway, my sister still lives where she lived when her kids were babies, and no land in Maine was ever bought.

                However, new partner in the pic, she did convince him to buy some land near where they live that has turned out to be completely unbuildable…. Gotta watch out for those impractical dreamers.

             2. Yessssss. I don’t consider myself very Type A but of the two of us, I am. I think and mull things over for weeks or even months and then just do them, he’s got a different “fun” plan every few days. I do indeed assume if he’s bringing it up he’s thinking very seriously about doing it, as we do have a dynamic of me planning and being logistics manager (which is fine, he has other strengths) so that’s a big part of it.

    3. Oh my MIL does this to my FIL. I swear looking at second homes is like a hobby for her. Florida houses, Florida condos, Texas homes, Utah homes, “up north” homes, and is currently on a kick looking at giant tracks for ranch land out out west.

       I have no idea exactly what you should do, but From the outside looking into the relationship, I think the worst thing my FIL does is set conditions when he’s really not at all interested in anything there. For example, he had specific conditions for Florida condos, then she found ones that fit it, and then she got mad when he wouldn’t keep moving forward. Same thing for Florida house and Texas houses. At least the giant tracks of land are completely unrealistic so they’re not going to get into a tiff about it.

       1. My in-laws had some recent health issues/hospitalizations and agreed to start looking at houses closer to their sons (they now live about 1.5 hours away from both kids). This seems like progress since they are in their 80s and their original plan had been to be carried out of their house feet first. Trouble is, they think that their current house is worth way, way more than comparable homes in their neighborhood AND they have totally unrealistic expectations about how far their money will go towards a new house. So I anticipate they will spend the next 5-10 years searching for a new house, but never finding a thing. Oh, and she’s got a realtor’s license, so they won’t hire any professionals.

    4. Does he like imagining the future, and this is him thinking out loud? I can see this hobby ranging from “innocuous fun” to “commitment-phobic”. Could it be a midlife crisis of sorts, where he is grasping at adventure and worried about getting stuck in a path? It reminds me a little of Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” analogy of the ripe figs on the tree , and how you can only pick a certain number before the other possibilities fall away and rot (and the accompanying anxiety of choosing the right ones).

       1. Oh my gosh, I’d never heard that fig analogy; I love it.

    5. I love zillow-scoping as much as the next person, but it sounds to me like your husband needs an outlet for his time – hobby, volunteering, job- something to keep him busy and his mind occupied. What’s the point of being independently wealthy if he’s just going to sit around wondering “what if?” while you do all the adulting? This housing issue does seem symptomatic of a larger *something*, though it’s impossible for a stranger to say what that is.

    6. can you redirect by suggesting something else expensive to do, like a trip to hawaii or something? would give him something else to research and he could live his fantasy with a cool airbnb or cool hotel room

    7. Sounds like he needs a job or a hobby tbh.

    8. I was your husband!! Literally this was my exact dynamic with my husband. Like, “we should move to Boulder” came up, hah. We’d come up with a plan, then I’d still be unhappy and jump around to different, impractical schemes. He would shut them down and I would get upset.

       Um, unfortunately what cured it was getting on anti-depressants and getting divorced. Obviously there were other things at play for my relationship, but for this specific issue, what I would say is that for me, that kind of talk pointed to a general unhappiness that didn’t have much bearing on geography, that was just how it was manifesting. And when I talked about these outlandish plans, I was really asking him to daydream with me, to fantasize about doing things differently. The fact that he immediately shut it down instead of having a conversation about like “yeah boulder is great. it would be so cool to rock climb every weekend” or “oh yeah if we bought that bed and breakfast we could host weddings too” or whatever is what was upsetting to me. I knew it was impractical. I’d guess your husband knows it’s impractical too.

       1. Yes, this is what worries me–these frequent “what if we…” are a symptom of unhappiness, but after probing different ways, he doesn’t seem generally miserable, I think he just does like to daydream outloud. For now my solution is to go with a generally positive “sure, set up some tours!” and then count on it just never happening, heh.

          1. I think that’s the right approach! My husband does a similar thing, and it turns out that he’s mostly thinking out loud about something that sounds fun. I used to feel like I needed to step in before he got too far down the line making plans that I thought were a bad idea/didn’t want to do/whatever, but it turns out he’s not actually really making plans, he’s just thinking about something fun and so I approach it like a conversation about what would be fun about moving to Denver. If he does actually want to do something, he’ll bring it up more seriously and we’ll have a serious conversation about pluses, minuses, preferences, etc.; it hasn’t somehow become Too Late since I didn’t raise concerns in the first conversation, when he was just having fun thinking about a new life in which we would be new people.

             1. Yep! You nailed it, imo

          2. Maybe he is bored and restless? Not necessarily unhappy.

    9. Generally I am not a fan of couples counseling, but I feel like you two are stuck in this dynamic and maybe a therapist could help you get unstuck?

    10. My DH is exactly like yours. He brought up moving to a new house nearly every day, even though we can’t move right now for a number of reasons. Honestly, the only thing that stopped it was couples therapy.

    11. My husband is like this. We’ve been married for 14 years. Honestly, he is a bit depressed/mid-life crisisey atm, but he’s always been a wanderlust. When our kids were tiny it drove me absolutely nuts. Now what I do is say “Sure let’s try it!” And he cools to the idea immediately. Then tomorrow there’s a new plan. I really do think it’s a dynamic of 1) his relationship work his mom was very contentious. He’s subconsciously trying to stir stuff up sometimes and 2) he really is bored/dissatisfied with suburban life but neither of us actually wants to move to BFE with three school aged kids. So here we are. Hobbies help. I really sympathize with you. Do you have a friend you can vent to?

        1. god this sounds exhausting of him

    12. my partner can be like this in that he does ‘fun someday plans/ideas/daydreams’ out loud and I do not, by default. Early in our relationship I’d react the same way, thinking he was fully serious/this was a deep burning desire, etc. then through better communication, this is just fun non-serious daydreaming and/or that he processes things out loud, I process them in my head!

        It does seem like there might be more going on as far as him needing to do something more with his time..

    13. He needs to be reminded that in a partnership only two “yes” votes mean yes. One yes one no is always a no.

26. Taking recommendations for the best at-home IPL hair removal device. Willing to pay whatever; just want to be able to do it in the privacy of my own home with decent results. I did laser hair removal for underarms and bikini line about ten years ago and it was great. I just don’t have the time and energy to make and go to appointments.

    1. There was a recommendation for the Braun Silk expert pro 5 a few weeks ago.

    2. I have the Braun silk expert pro 3 and I’ve been really happy with it. I’ve used it on and off (I get lazy about it) for about a year so I’ve done maybe 15 rounds in a given area, and have probably around 80-90% reduction in hair. I have fair skin and medium brown hair.

    3. I use the Smooth skin one and love it. I have a 95% reduction in hair on legs, bikini, and underarms. I probably should follow the instructions and use it once every 6-8 weeks at this point (takes 20 mins total for those areas) but I’m fine with the few hairs that occasionally regrow. Fair skin and dark hair, FWIW.

27. I’m going to DC for a conference next week. Looks like I can take the Metro to my hotel. Is this safe late at night? Or should I just spring for the Uber?

    1. Which metro stop to which hotel/area and how late? Depending on the line, it’s more how long in between trains and will you want to wait that long in addition to how long the trip will take?

    2. Also, are you talking about from Dulles or Reagan?

    3. I would not take public transportation in any major city if you are not very familiar with the city and the specific area and the route to and from your hotel and whether it is well lit and safe at night, which basically is nowhere. Why risk it?

       1. This is ridiculous.

          1. Agreed. This poster may have their personal reasons for this, but this is not reasonable advice in general.

    4. I’m a long-time DC resident who now works remotely and comes into the city as needed. DC has been badly affected by the cab vs. Uber wars, and while you’ll always be able to find a ride from the airport, it can be very difficult in the city itself to find a car with any species of service. I took metro at 8 pm on a Wednesday two weeks ago specifically because I couldn’t find any sort of vehicle other than a $78 Uber to go 2 miles from the White House to Nats stadium (it would typically be about $25). When I changed at L’Enfant (one of the larger transfer stations), I saw security on the platform; I didn’t see security at my smaller destination and departure stations. I felt safe at all times – out walking and in the stations.

    5. Reagan to Grand Hyatt on H street. Around 10 at night. 25 minutes on the train, 12 by car.

       I’m familiar with DC as I’m there pretty often, this is the first time I’m flying in during the evening, though.

       I’m a boring suburban government lawyer now but in my younger years I travelled the world on trains and stayed in hostels so I like to try and create some of that past-me magic when I travel on work trips. I know it’s silly.

       1. I would have no problem taking the metro – you’re only walking a block from Metro Center. Easy. Cabs are stupidly expensive from the airport these days.

          1. +1
             I’d take Metro. My only caveat is if you’d have to wait a looong time for the next train, I might get a cab. I’d check my maps app and see if I needed to scurry to the train or have time.

       2. I work in this area and I would and do walk in this area at 10 at night. As someone else said, your hotel is about 1 block from the metro. I would be more concerned about the time cost, especially if your flight gets in that late at night. You may be waiting 10 minutes for a train at that time of night, and the metro ride is more like 30 minutes. In contrast, the taxi line is likely to be short at that time (although it can randomly be long sometimes) and there won’t be traffic. I personally would take a taxi to get to your hotel sooner so you are more rested the next day. You can always take the metro on your way back to the airport.

    6. The DC Metro has some of the best headways in the country and are surpassing pre-COVID usage and service levels. Follow DC Metro’s (and the director’s) very active social media accounts for up to the minute info and updates. I have a soft spot for DC Metro on account of its architecture and am always looking for an excuse to ride, regardless of day/time.

28. Is anyone on generic Vyvanse or does anyone have a kid on it? We have tried it with our very ADHD kid. I’m not sure it’s even working after going up several doses. And now, no pharmacy in our city seems to have it or even the $$$ name brand. How bad is crashing off of it? I feel so helpless (but if it’s truly not doing anything to help, maybe it won’t be bad and this will be how we find out).

    Any ADHD meds out there that are stimulants and get-able? I feel like we’ve tried everything else, to the point of taking a DNA test so we can feel less like we’re being random (it turns out, many meds may not work on kiddo and annecdata from her confirms that her impulsivity and inattention are both off the chart on or off of the meds). Her grades are good, but school exhausts her and she’s never going to be the kid who gets good grades, 12 varsity letters, edits the yearbook, and stars in the play. As an adult, this won’t be a problem, but our high school is a bit of a pressure-cooker and all 400 girls in her class feel like they are competing for the same Flagship State U seats against each other.

    Bracing for impact; all advice on the med front is welcome.

    1. My AuDHD kiddo is on generic Vyvanse – it’s out of the system in 24 hours so our psych told us we could give him breaks from it entirely on the weekends. He’s been on spring break this week with no Vyvanse and has been fine, no crash. (All stimulants seem to hurt his stomach, apparently including Vyvanse — he’s lost 10lbs in the 6 months since we upped our dosage.)

       My understanding is Vyvanse is best for kids who don’t tolerate stimulants – it’s basically Adderol but your body has to do the final step of converting it into Adderol; they think that final step bypasses a lot of the negative side effects.

       (We’re also on guanfacine for ADHD; if you aren’t also on a non-stimulant definitely google “combination therapy.”)

       1. OP here — same Dx here and also on guanfacine (do you think it helps? Kiddo takes it at night b/c it seems to make her tired / sleepy. Otherwise, I’m not noticing anything and keep feeling like I should see something. We’ve been trying combos of meds and no meds for 8 years with no magical changes or change of any sort ever). So was bracing for a lot of random weirdnness with having to abruptly drop the Vyvanse.

          1. My list of meds we’ve tried is like 5 pages long at this point with the different doses and formulations and combinations. I think guanfacine does more than the stimulants do, tbh… we had a period where he was running “to check the bathroom door” like 40x an hour and that mercifully stopped when we went on guanfacine.

             The hydroxyzine has been the biggest impact though, especially because we can amp up when we know he’s likely to be anxious. But my guy is only 9 and, it sounds like, needs more supports than your child (he’s in a special ed school).

             We’re on guanfacine, Vyvanse, hydroxyzine, Wellbutrin, Vitamin D, Biogaia (the l.reuterri probiotic strain is supposed to be helpful to autistics), and then OTC stuff as needed. I’ve been begging for a Genesight test but none of our docors offer. We’ve tried Adderol, Focalin, Ritalin, Zoloft, Celexa, and keep talking about possibly rispardol or whatever, which I’m resisting.

    2. Following, as I’m currently going through the eval process with my son for suspected ADHD. Your line of “school exhausts her” resonates; my son does well at school — I’m actually terrified we won’t get a diagnosis because he’s not a squeaky wheel at school — but it seems to use up all his energy and he is on a hair-trigger the rest of the time (leading to major issues at home). He recently told me that his brain “feels crammed with answers” and overloaded at school.

       So as a total newbie here, I’m wondering if the school may be part of the issue. Is it a chosen/private school, and do you have other less intense options? I have all these thoughts running through my mind with my kid, and whether we prepare him for the environment (eg, meds, etc) or work on finding an environment he can better cope with as he matures and develops skills.

       1. OP here — in our city, no decent private school knowingly admits kids with an autism diagnoses (tons are not Dx until later on) and the less academic more “Christian” ones IMO don’t adequately serve bright kids with legit learning challenges and the ones that serve kids with severe learning challenges aren’t challenging enough. We are sort of stuck where we are and trying to supplement with OT and DBT outside of school.

    3. re “school exhausts her” – have you ever seen an occupational therapist, or considered anxiety as well? OT because sometimes sensory issues can be really exhausting for ND people, like loud sounds, bright lights, itchy clothes, etc., and there are some easy things you can do to try to fix (inconspicuous ear plugs to help filter sound, blue light eyeglasses or rose-tinted eyeglasses to help with lights, better awareness of clothes, etc).

       (i’m the AuDHD poster from earlier and anxiety is definitely his biggest struggle. We’re also on hydroxyzine which is out of the system in 4 hours and kind of like Benadryl for your brain. It’s made a huge, huge difference for him.)

       1. OP — yes — we do all of that. Sometimes I think that the ADHD is a bigger problem than the autism (the clicker test was off the chart on impulsivity and barely on it for inattention).

       2. School could also work on offering a more inclusive sensory environment (flickering florescent lights, chaotic noise, and poor air quality aren’t good for any children; some just suffer more than others).

       3. I take a low dose of hydroxyzine occasionally for severe insomnia. It is definitely not out of the system in 4 hours! The half life of the medicine is 20 hours (which means 20 hours after you took it you still have half of it in your system) and to me the effects are noticeable for up to 48 hours, though usually substantially lessened by 24-36 hours. I know people react differently to medicines, but I’m not the only person that gets knocked out by this medicine, so definitely something to keep in mind for others who might try it. I don’t even really feel safe to drive in the first 24 hours of taking it, and I would be even more nervous about giving it to a new teen driver than myself.

    4. Vyvanse didn’t work for me. Adderall or just plain dextroamphetamine, and not in a time release formulation, are what work for me. It took me a lot of trial and error to figure out what medication and dosage worked the best.

    5. I may be too late but I personally take Vyvanse for ADHD. It works better for me than anything else I’ve ever tried, but nothing else ever worked very well at all. (Focalin helped a little, but then I hit perimenopause and it stopped working.) That said, I still struggle to focus some days. It isn’t a magic fix. The first thing I noticed on it is that it makes my brain quieter. Even better, I soon realized that I am not exhausted at the end of the day anymore! I used to come home from work with absolutely no energy, and now I still have energy when I get home for exercising and making dinner.

       While I generally try to take it every day, I forgot it recently while on vacation and I didn’t have any problems being off it for a week. And I really don’t notice a crash as it wears off during the day, although I definitely find it easier to focus on work earlier in the day.

       I have had a hard time getting the generic, or sometimes even the brand name, in my area for the last several months. I paid out of pocket for brand name for a few months and then finally got the generic last refill. Who knows what I’ll get this month!

       My son has ADHD and eventually just quit taking meds because they made him feel “weird” and didn’t help enough to make it worth it. We tried several meds for him and they just didn’t do much, even the ones the DNA test said were most likely to work.

       I’m not sure all of that is very helpful, but some of us apparently just don’t respond very well to meds. It’s super frustrating and I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in that position. Did they try any of the off-label meds like Welbutrin with her? I know some people have success with those. The only other thing I can suggest is finding a coach who can help her establish routines and systems that help her manage. I’m currently working on that myself, trying to set up some new habits that will make it easier to avoid my impulses, and replace some bad habits I fell into when the prior meds quit working. Good luck!

    6. From what I’ve heard, the adderall type meds are the ones with more trouble. Ritalin or focalin and generics of those should be easier. The methylphenidates vs the amphetamines. I like focalin best for myself.

       1. My daughter takes a generic adderall. She calls pharmacies in our network to see who has it and then she hops in her car to go get it. She doesn’t take it on the weekends.

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