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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 144 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Twirl Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Nic+Zoe Twirl Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I did not realize that Pendleton sold clothes from other brands, but they sell at least one Nic+Zoe dress that I've admired many times at Nordstrom, and it's part of Pendleton's crazy sale at the moment. I like the linear details, the midnight color, and the fact that it's hand-washable — and the fact that it's on sale for $69 (was originally $198). Pendleton has crazy sales occasionally, and we seem to in the midst of one of them — including this lovely “handwash” cotton-blend dress. (Tip: if buying, be sure to go to the “sale” homepage to make sure you can take advantage of any discounts — today, for example, many pieces are 50-60% off.) The dress is also available at 6pm in regular, petite, and plus sizes in multiple colors/prints and two different sleeve lengths, from $59 to $179. Nic+Zoe Twirl Dress (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Brit

    For those who use the New Rules for Lifting for Women, how accessible is it for lifting beginners? I’ve definitely made working out in some way a habit now, but I’m looking to step up my workouts beyond cardio. Some of the Amazon reviews for it make it sound like you need at least some experience lifting, but I wanted to check in with the infinite wisdom of the hive first. Also, how much is free weights and how much is other equipment? I’ll be using my office’s small gym, so free weights are plentiful, but machines or barbell type equipment is limited.

    • Baconpancakes

      If you’ve never worked with a trainer before in your life, I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s waaaay too easy to seriously hurt yourself by lifting wrong. But that said, the book is great. You could get a trainer to show you proper form for the exercises for a couple sessions, then do them on your own, since one of the helpful but boring parts of NRoLfW is that it’s very repetitive. Just make sure to watch yourself in the mirrors.

      • CapHillAnon

        I was a lifting newbie with no idea about proper form, and I loved it. Baconpancakes is right that it would be ideal to get a trainer to show you proper form. As a work-around, I ended up watching a bunch of good Youtube videos on proper squat and deadlift positioning, and practiced a lot in front of mirrors before I started the program, and then did the program with my workout buddy who is slightly more experienced. The book is designed to be used by beginners, but the exercise illustrations in the back of the book are not always as thorough as they could be, so a trainer for 1-2 sessions would be great.

        • Mpls

          Youtube is also a good place for finding alternate squat/deadlift options using free weights instead of a bar (goblet squats, for example). Focus on using the intended muscle groups to do the lifting and stop if it hurts.

    • mascot

      I’m only in the first phase of the program so there may be surprises to come, but this is my impression so far. The program use very few machines, but does use lat pull down and cable row machines. You can find alternative exercises using dumbbells if you don’t have those. There are some exercises that work better with barbells (squats, bench press), but you can adapt those for dumbbells too.
      Having someone show you proper form is helpful, both from an injury prevention standpoint as well as a maximize your results standpoint.

    • AnonInfinity

      This program is incredibly accessible for beginners. It would be very helpful to have a trainer show you the moves and correct your form for maybe 1-2 sessions, but I think that’s not even necessary if you watch some good YouTube videos and pay close attention in a mirror with weights much lighter than you can handle. There are a couple of large FB groups for women using this program, and people frequently post videos as a form check. There are some very very knowledgeable folks in those groups, and the authors of the books even come in from time to time and answer questions.

      As the others have said, you can do most of the program using dumbbells. I did use a barbell for some moves, but it was easily available. There are also core exercises where you use TRX straps or stability balls. I’m not sure how to modify those, but you could use dumbbells for all the barbell exercises. You’ll also need a step, which can be a weight bench or a step like you would use in step aerobics (or really any kind of platform you can step onto). The one thing I was pretty surprised about was the length of the workouts. Stage 1 was very short, but as I got to the other stages, I would sometimes be in the gym for a solid hour.

      I did NROLFW last year and loved it. I loved it so much that I started training at a strength gym. My new trainer (who is amazing and very well qualified) raved about that program and about how it is what he always recommends to women starting out who don’t want to pay for training or coaching.

    • Anonymous

      I had already worked with a trainer before, so the movements weren’t exactly new to me. However, there are a lot of form videos online, and as long as you practice with lighter weights first, and maybe schedule a 60 min consult with a trainer, you’d probably be fine. I also second just starting with dumbbells, because they’re easier to learn how to work with, in my experience.

      Other than NROLFW, I’d also recommend checking out Strong Curves. I put on muscle quickly, and I didn’t like having bigger shoulders, as I’m already pretty broad shouldered. Strong Curves has changed my proportions towards my preference, and is definitely very accessible to new lifters.

  2. Where would you go...

    I am changing jobs and will have the first two weeks of September fancy-free. Husband and I would like to spend one of those weeks on an easy, low-key island trip – not at an all-inclusive or cruise. Our favorite island so far is Anguilla – perfect mix of access to nice restaurants when desired, with lots of secluded beaches and casual beach/roadside options too.

    HOWEVER, most of the eastern Caribbean seems to be closed or closing up for the slow months of September-November at that time, unfortunately – having tried a shoulder season trip before, only to experience things like restaurants not ordering lettuce because they’re trying to work down their fridges, I’m reluctant to have that happen again!

    Suggestions from the hive? Would like to stay one connection from PHL if possible (whether it’s a flight from Miami or a tiny puddle jump or ferry).

    • Anonymous

      I would not waste a golden two week opportunity on the Carribean. You can go there for a long weekend. I’d look at Malta, Greece, Sardinia etc. Most of the Mediterranean will be one connection through London and September will be an absolutely magical time to be there.

      • Runner 5

        +1. Most of the resorts will be quieter but absolutely still open for business. Places which serve the UK typically shut up shop at the end of October after the half-term holiday. I’d recommend Greek island-hopping.

    • ANP

      Aruba! We want for our honeymoon during the first week of September and they have less of a shoulder season since they’re outside the hurricane belt. We were there for 10 days of relaxation — gorgeous weather and amazing beaches — and it was awesome! Aruba is known for its fantastic restaurants so you shouldn’t have the lettuce issue. Post here if you want specific recs.

      • Bonnie

        +1 for Aruba. The island is easily navigable and there are tons of great restaurants, especially near the low rise area.

      • Batgirl

        I have to say, I wouldn’t go back to Aruba. It was super windy when we were there and from what I’ve heard, that’s the norm. That made it colder and kind of annoying to be on the beach (sand in your face, magazines flapping around).

        • Across the River

          I would echo this. And I found the restaurants to mostly be boring, catering to unadventurous American tourists. The food on St. Martin, however, is EXCELLENT.

          • St. Martin tips please

            I’m heading to St. Martin for a week (Sat to Sat) at the end of this month. Staying in Nettle Bay close to Marigot. Any suggestions for things to do, restaurants etc.? We rented a condo so we’ll have a small kitchen too.

          • Across the River

            I can’t reply to your comment, only my own! Anyway, St. Martin tips: go to Pinel Island, eat at Karabuni — the other two places are crap. It’s tiny, so the beach is crowded, but the water is so beautiful and clear there. My other favorite beach is Baie Rouge.

            For food, L’Estaminet in Grand Case is AMAZING. Le Cotage is okay. The Alsatian place (can’t remember the name, but they have Alsatian flatbreads and such) is also pretty good. The Lolos do excellent fried fish. Bamboo Bernie’s has good sushi, though the name and the fact that it’s kind of in a mall on the Dutch Side might make you think otherwise.

        • Eliza

          I’d have to agree. And other than the very manicured tourist area, the rest of the island is a drab desert.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Doesn’t meet your criteria of short flight but with that kind of time I would look at Asia. Bali, Phuket, Lang Kawi to name a few. You could easily do more than one island too.

    • Where would you go...

      To clarify – my husband can only take 1 week off, so we’re a little wary of a long flight and jet lag for a 1-week trip.

        • APP123

          Seriously? To each their own, but I think a week of relaxing somewhere relatively close to home sounds lovely, especially right before starting a new job. Not everyone wants to travel to an exotic far flung destination every time.

          I agree with San Juan; I’ve also been to St. Lucia in October, and it was beautiful and in full swing (like Aruba, it’s outside the hurricane belt). Definitely a longer flight to St. Lucia though.

          • Where would you go...

            That’s good to hear about St. Lucia – tons of friends of ours have honeymooned there in spring/early summer, so wasn’t sure about later in the year.

    • L

      Personally, I’d do something like the Ritz in San Juan (non-stop flights) or Grand Caymen. Good service, close by, perfect for a week off.

    • Where would you go...

      Thanks for the suggestions, all! I’m going in-house from BigLaw so I really want somewhere fun to plop down with a c*cktail and a book, NOT BRING MY LAPTOP!!! and maybe a day or two of hiking, snorkeling, etc.

      Qith a little more time, I’d have the energy to do a big adventurous trip – Greece (Athens + an island or two) is my dream trip right now, but (1) I’d regret not having the fun anticipatory planning stages for that kind of a vacation, (2) I want to save mental energy for ramping back up, and (3) I also want a week to enjoy puttering around town, watching daytime TV, meeting SAHM girlfriends for lunch, etc.

      • Dominica

        Check out Secret Bay in Dominica! You rent a private villa and have a personal concierge during your stay. Meals are served in your villa and prepared and customized based on your preferences. You could go the whole week without seeing another tourist, if you wanted it that way. Lots of good snorkeling, scuba, biking, and hiking. It takes a little planning to get there, but should only require two short flights.

      • Batgirl

        I would go to Playa del Carmen–beautiful beaches, great restaurants and hotels, and a short distance to great cave diving/outdoor adventures. Also close to Cozumel for snorkeling!

        • DC emily

          Playa del Carmen is great! I am a total beach/relaxation vacation skeptic (went to visit my sister), but really loved it. The town is great and there are so many hotels and restaurants covering literally the full spectrum of experiences.

    • Lobbyist

      Roatan, Honduras
      Cute, not that developed, nice beaches (I recommend staying on West Bay Beach).

    • SC

      Turks and Caicos. We rented a lovely 1-BR condo at Le Vele for a week for our honeymoon. We went to the grocery store and bought food for breakfast and lunch, plus wine and ingredients for rum punch. Then we went out to dinner every night. We spent most days relaxing on the beach or in our condo looking at the beach, but we did one horseback-riding trip and one snorkeling trip (would have done another day of snorkeling, but DH got seasick on the first trip). I read three books. I’m usually a world-traveler type, but it was a lovely way to decompress :-)

      • Alli

        I will second Turks and Caicos. Not too long of a flight and lots of activity options (we did parasailing and snorkeling) if you’re into that, but can be complete relaxation/beach/book time if you don’t want to be “busy.” Parrot Cay is a secluded island where we spent four days, then switched to Provo, the “main” island with more city-like activity, and spent four days there. You could definitely do a similar trip in a week.

        • Where would you go...

          Thanks! We went there for a week in 2012 and enjoyed Provo, although ultimately decided we like islands that have a bigger helping of rustic/untouched while still providing a decent variety of beach and restaurant options.

    • Anonymous

      Dominican Republic! There are direct flights from PHL (into Punta Cana) and I think it was only a 3 hour flight or so. Went for my honeymoon last year at the end of September and it was very laid back and relaxing

    • Where would you go...

      Thanks everyone again – I bookmarked this thread to consult while we browse this weekend!

    • Anonymous

      A beach in North Africa or Southern Europe, so that if you get bored in the sun, you can explore Roman ruins for a day.

  3. Junior Associate

    Are some people just not made for being lawyers? I’m a junior biglaw associate and I’m not sure how much longer I can stick it out. The reviews of my substantive work have been fine but on a day-to-day basis I feel like I’m terrible at this. I’m easily overwhelmed by short deadlines, I find it really stressful to be responsible for keeping track of so many different projects at various stages, and I can’t help but take criticism personally. I get that these are all bad traits but how do I change them? Has anyone experienced this and found a way to deal with it?

    • BTDT

      I still struggle with this as a senior associate — I like the substantive parts of legal work and my reviews have been generally good — but I do get overwhelmed at times thanks to the constantly shifting, numerous projects and their accompanying deadlines. And the expectation of perfection even on a short timeline.

      I have noticed that working with a certain partner in our group exacerbates this, so that helps me compartmentalize it as a “that partner” issue. I still have do deal with it, but it’s not so personal.

      But really what helped was coming to the realization somewhere around my 4-5th year that I am not my job and that I have things outside of work that make me happy. That means I’m probably not cut out to be a partner at a big law firm, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not made for being a lawyer or even in another position at a big firm.

      I would be interested in seeing what other people have to say about the day to day management of this, however.

      • JJ

        I so agree that around year 4, coming to the realization that I am more than my job at the firm was key. And learning to enforce boundaries so that I don’t dwell on work every moment of my life.

        I can tell you that I truly enjoyed my job at my firm, but I’ve since moved in house and love it even more. I don’t have to deal with crazy opposing counsel, and I still get to manage and make strategy decisions in cases.

    • jc

      Are you me? I’m in small law rather than big law, but I feel ALL of these same things. I think it’s normal for junior associates but I’m interested to hear other perspectives.

      Hang in there, I’m with ya!

      • cj

        small law unite! (sometimes all the big law perspectives around here feel like overwhelming majority)

    • ABC

      Sure, some people get out of school and start practicing and realize that it’s reallllly not for them… But nearly every person I know (lawyers and non-lawyers alike) have felt the way you do when they were starting out in their careers. I’m sure others will have actual, substantive help, but the big thing that helped me was TIME. The first couple years after graduating, I was sure I was screwing things up and (embarrasingly) cried a couple times when I felt like it was the end of the world that I missed something I should have caught. After 5 years of getting good-to-great reviews, I’m finally coming around and accepting that hey, I’m not terrible at this lawyering thing. Like I said above, others will probably have like actual helpful advice but just know that what you’re feeling isn’t uncommon and it likely doesn’t have any correlation to how good or bad your work product is.

    • lawsuited

      It gets better with practice (heh).

      Re: tracking various files and different stages. This is a skill that takes time to learn. Some people have great memories and can keep track files in their head, and others develop tools like spreadsheets and tickler systems to help out where their memory fails. Truthfully, it can be easier to do this as the more senior associate or partner who “owns” the files, rather than as a junior associate doing piece work on other people’s files.

      Re: short deadlines. Not every practice area has a lot of short deadlines, so it might be that you’re not in the ideal practice group for your personality. Some disorganized workplaces also create short deadlines that didn’t have to be that way, so it might also be that you’re not in the ideal firm. Being a junior associate also factors into this, because if a senior associate or partner thought they were going to have time to do a task that they can complete in 3 hours, but things change such that they no longer have that time, the task is going to pushed down to a junior associate and it will take you 3 days so the deadline feels shorter to you than your principal had planned for.

      Re: feeling overwhelmed. This can get better over time or worse over time depending on what you do with it. I recommend booking a few sessions of therapy to help you develop coping strategies. I do not recommend ignoring the building anxiety until you have a breakdown when you’re 10 years in.

      The fact that you’re not breezing merrily along as a junior associate (a time when you’re learning a lot) isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re not meant to be a lawyer. Most lawyers struggle with some aspect(s) of the job. If your substantive work is good, then you should be proud of that.

      • TBK

        All this plus, um, you’re at big law. Are you new here? There are LOTS of people who are great lawyers who are miserable in big law. If your substantive work is good, you’re going to be fine. (I mean, do fix the other things, but seriously big law is the place where one misplaced space in one bluebook citation on a first draft can lead to a partner saying they can’t trust any of the rest of your research in a 50 pg brief.)

      • BTDT

        “The fact that you’re not breezing merrily along as a junior associate (a time when you’re learning a lot) isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re not meant to be a lawyer.”

        Also, to add to this, the attorneys I knew who were completely confident as young associates weren’t as good as they thought they were. Unfortunately the very qualities that are necessary in being a good practicing attorney (basically paranoia) also cause you to doubt your abilities to be a good attorney. Biggest irony of practicing law.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, all of this plus what TBK and BTDT said.

        When I was in your shoes, a partner told me “The best associates are the most paranoid,” and for some reason it made me feel better about feeling awful all the time! ;)

    • Anon

      I just want to throw this out there in case it applies to you or anyone else reading this thread.

      A friend of mine from law school was just starting out as an over-worked, under-paid public defender. She loved knowing how important her work was, but the enormity of it was killing her. She’d be consumed with fear that she’d miss something for one of her clients and they’d spend years in jail because of it. And of course she had a million cases, all at different stages, all needing different motions and such. Tracking it was beyond overwhelming for her. After breaking down crying one day, she went to her doctor who gave her some anti-anxiety meds. Her life turned around immediately. She was able to manage her caseload and enjoy her job without being overwhelmed and panicky.

      I’m not saying that’s what you’re going through, but just in case it rings a bell for anyone out there, I just wanted to say that sometimes it’s the job and sometimes we need a little help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

    • padi

      Ten years in and I still feel this way. I have trained and mentored so many attorneys through the same issues. You are not alone.

      I have a hard time juggling so many different projects. It isn’t easy. I have used 3 systems in various firms that seem to work:
      1- Outlook tasks. Set a deadline and have it ping you when you set it to. You can also use a calendar application for this. I like it because I can attach a copy of an email right into the task/calendar appointment.

      2- The redbook docket. Most firms have a dual docket system: the normal system and a “redbook” system (named for the traditional color of the ledger used). The redbook system is the critical backup–usually maintained by your secretary. Some firms still do them by hand but my firm does the redbook electronically. I have a hard time prioritizing my projects using the normal docket system because there are reminders, tasks for my secretary to do, and old entries that aren’t cleared. The redbook docket is usually much cleaner and only includes what I need to do. Also, there is usually space on the redbook docket report for me to add my own tasks. Your firm might have other docket systems, databases, or programs that provide a better-for-you docket report.

      3-Giant whiteboard. Seriously. I am lost without my giant whiteboard. Anything that can slip through the cracks gets puts on the giant whiteboard. Anything that I’ve sent out but expect a response on goes on the whiteboard. Any large projects with moving parts is broken down on the whiteboard. The whiteboard is sacrosanct.

    • Silver

      Ex-biglaw and now sr assoc in midlaw. Agree with all the comments generally – the feeling of panic never goes away and probably keeps you sharp, at least somewhat. It is so easy to define yourself by your job, which is a problem when you don’t feel that you are measuring up. I think the key to managing the day-to-day stress is to have other things in your life, hobbies, sports, friends etc. that you take pride in and that round you out so that you are not always defining yourself by your job.

    • future ex-lawyer

      I think I’m not cut out to be a lawyer either. I’m 8 years in so I’ve had plenty of time to figure things out. I also have a relatively low-stress job as a government lawyer (but I still do stressful litigation). I’m pretty good at the tasks like briefing, oral arguments, analysis, etc. But I just don’t like it. I’m planning my exit to another field where I definitely will not make as much money. Everything will work out and I will be so much happier.

  4. Acne

    To anonymous on yesterday’s Suit of the Week thread who was asking for acne solutions, I have to recommend the Murad Acne Complex products. You can get a trial kit with travel sizes of the products for about $30 at Sephora. I use all the products in the kit whenever I get breakouts and for me it clears my skin within 3 days. Once my skin is clear, I go back to using my regular skincare products. I just keep buying the trial kit seeing as I only use it occassionally so I don’t sink my money into buying the whole line of full-size products.

    • Hollis

      I was not the person who asked the question, but I have the same problem and this sounds like the perfect solution for me so thank you for writing in.

  5. Anona

    What does everyone wear on their feet when it is cold and rainy to work? I was looking at a short pair of Aquatalia booties, but I don’t really want to spend $450 since I’m not out walking in the rain and show every day. I do at times commute by foot/subway to an office, so I’d like some protection from the weather that is appropriate to wear in a business casual office.

    • Bonnie

      Hunter rain boots. With the fleece socks, they’re very warm. Not great on ice though.

      • Anonymous

        Definitely Hunters, but I don’t add the fleece socks until it’s colder than 45

      • AR

        I just got hunter boots and I love them. Cannot believe I waited so long. I think I might get a pair of the shorter ones too.

      • Anona

        I like them, but I can’t really wear them inside the places I’m going since I don’t have somewhere to stash them at those offices. I need one pair of shoes to wear for commuting and inside, unfortunately.

    • Veronica Mars

      LL Bean boots! You can get shearling lined if you’re in a cold city, or just use warm wool socks with the normal boots.

    • Lilly

      For what it’s worth, I wear my black leather Aquatalia booties all the time once the weather cools. I think they are wonderfully comfortable. I don’t think the model I have is made anymore, but for reference and looking at the Nordstrom website, the “Reece” and “Rae” models would be comparable. I too choked at the price, but I have to say that three years later I’m getting my money’s worth from them.

      • Eliza

        Same. My Aquatalias don’t see all that much wet weather, but I wear them throughout the winter. Love them.

  6. Baconpancakes

    With the move to grad school, my wardrobe needs to shift to more casual creative. Suggestions for polished creative casual fashion blogs? I find the plethora of stay-at-home mom blogs a little dull, and now that I don’t have to stick to the formal side of business casual, I want to my look to branch out. I’m currently loving the more minimalist, architectural fashion, but I also wear a lot of plaid in my free time and am not shaped like an architectural fashion-wearer.

    • OttLobbyist

      “…not shaped like an architectural fashion-wearer.” is likely to be my favourite sentence of the day. A perfect descriptor!

    • Bonnie

      Caphillstyle’s blog and instagram account would be good inspiration since she has shifted to grad school.

    • AMB

      It’s now defunct but academichic would have been right up your alley – the website is now down :( but you can image or pinterest search for their stuff.

    • Anona

      I haven’t really paid attention to anyone new in years, but one of my old favorites is a blog called ontheqtrain. She is plus sized, but I think anyone can wear similar outfits.

    • Wanderlust

      I like the blog Franish. She’s a med student and she has to dress nicely for classes, but provides a ton of options and also good weekend wear pieces.

    • Alli

      I like Hello Gorgeous. She lives in Michigan so often dresses for very cold weather, but she does a lot of layers that translate to other areas. She works in an office (I want to say she is an engineer, maybe? Or some sort of science researcher?) but wears fun, work appropriate things that can skew creative. Might be good for what you are seeking!

    • profmama

      For minimalist, architectural fashion, I love Stiletto Jungle. Most of it’s aspirational for me, but a girl can dream.

  7. chelsea boots

    I am thinking of jumping on the chelsea boot trend, but can’t figure out what type of pants they go with. My first instinct would be to wear them with bootcut pants because bootcuts are supposedly coming back into style, but that combination seems like something I would have worn 10 or 15 years ago. I can’t figure out how a short boot that is not a shoelike bootie would go with straight-leg, skinny, or rolled-up pants, though. What is the best way to wear these boots?

    • Anona

      Everyone here wears them with skinny jeans. It’s like wearing them with any other boot, except the boot is shorter.

    • AMB

      I wear mine with straight legs and skinny jeans. In more casual settings I like the look with some of the sock peeking out the top.

    • First Year Anon

      Skinny jeans or rolled up jeans (skinny, boyfriend, or straight cut) so a bit of your ankle is showing.

    • BB

      I had no idea what Chelsea boots were, so I just googled. I’ve actually had a pair for years that I love (but no idea what they were called). I wear them with straight leg jeans/pants. I only bring them out in the fall/winter though…are they now a summer-appropriate thing? Mine are dark chestnut brown.

  8. For the poster seeking tall underwear

    I was too late to reply to your thread yesterday. I have the same problem and found the solution in a strange place. I love No Nonsense microfiber panties that they sell at Rite Aid or other pharmacies. I found them when I spilled a glass of water across my lap at work one day and desperately wanted dry panties. I ran to the pharmacy next door expecting granny panties. They are not at all. They are higher in the back than in the front but still just low enough for low rise pants. They actually cover my cheeks and don’t give me wedgies. They are awesome for working out because they seem to wick sweat. They aren’t super sexy but they aren’t ugly either. I bought medium, which is my normal size in other underwear that just wasn’t cutting it comfort wise. My local rite aid had them 75% off yesterday and I bought some more. Here’s a link to the kind I mean.

    https://shop.riteaid.com/no-nonsense-bikini-microfiber-small-black-2-pairs-0343575

    • Law

      I have this dress in black and it works great for my business casual office. I wear a longer, almost waterfall sweater with it and a long necklace. It feels like a t-shirt, but looks like work clothes.

  10. Anondc

    When you first started dating your SO, how often did you text, call, etc.?? I’ve dated guys who I texted on a daily basis but conversations in real life didn’t have much depth. Perhaps it’s my age (23) but I find myself freaking out if we aren’t texting on a daily basis regardless of how the last date went. Dating as a “real” adult is so much different than in school when you see them on a daily basis and don’t have to schedule dates between work, other friends who life far and have busy schedules, business trips, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Typically, we text in between dates to set up a next date, with an occasional interaction if we aren’t going out again for another couple of weeks. Please give yourself the gift of stopping freaking out about dating. Life is lovely when you realize they aren’t the hunter and you are the fox and you don’t need to stay up all night crying to Abigail about how you gave everything you had to a boy who didn’t text.

      • Anon

        “…and you don’t need to stay up all night crying to Abigail about how you gave everything you had to a boy who didn’t text.”

        I laughed out loud at this. A point to you, madam.

    • anonymous

      We saw each other for 1 weekend evening that tended to go very late (2-4 am) and then emailed 2x during the week. We started spending more time together and emailing more during the week as we grew to like each other more. It happened organically, so I’d just let things happen if I were you.

    • CountC

      Everyone has a different comfort level when it comes to type and frequency of contact. I will say that as you get older, you will be more comfortable with yourself and come to better appreciate how awesome you are, so having constant communication with the object of your affection does not seem as important (because you know they like you and you know YOU like you).

      I like a good morning and a good night text, but I also understand that people have jobs. It’s not necessary to text during the day unless there is something major going on that requires attention. I have no issue going hours, a full day, etc., without hearing from the person I am dating. If they are on a work trip or are otherwise occupied doing something where I know texting is not appropriate or whatever, then several days is also fine.

      I think before you try to determine what your level of comfort is, you should drill down into why you freak out without the constant communication. Is it because you do not know if this person likes you as much as you like them? Is it because you are bored at work and your brain is running over-analyzing everything? Is it because you are not confident that you are badass and are worried that if this one person doesn’t like you it will be a disaster? If you can figure out why you are craving the 24/7 communication, I think you can better understand what you need. I will say that 24/7 communication would be STIFLING and I would absolutely hate it.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but this is great advice. I have posted on here with dating issues before and your advice has been helpful then, too. Thanks so much for contributing – you really make a difference :)

        • CountC

          Anon – thank you so much for your comment. I had a therapy session last night that reopened some wounds and I am feeling very sad and frustrated today. Your comment made me smile.

      • CountC

        Oh I should have also added (I miss the edit function), that it will also depend on what your love target is comfortable with. As Senior Attorney says below, some people are not comfortable with certain types of communication. Can you live with that? Can you have a conversation about what is important to you and see if make an effort because it is important to you?

        A lot of this is more important as the relationship progresses, but keep in mind you shouldn’t be trying to change the person from the get go. So if they are not a phone person, you may have to accept they are not going to talk to you on the phone regularly. If they are someone who is not a check-in regularly type person, they may not come around to additional contact points (although they may try to if you say how important it is to you).

        Again, I think it comes down to WHY it’s important to you, not just that it is. Is it important to you to have a check in because you are worried they are out with someone else? Etc., etc., I think you probably get the idea here.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am more than twice your age but I have had this issue, too!

      My guy is awesome but he hates to talk on the phone (I do, too) and honestly it doesn’t occur to him to text. For the first several months, every single time he went 2-3 days without contact I would totally freak out and be utterly convinced that This. Was. The. End. And then we would have an awesome date and I would be fine, and lather, rinse, repeat. It was exhausting. (Mercifully he knew none of this, of course.)

      Finally I got it through my head that (a) yes, he really likes me, and (b) it doesn’t occur to him to text. So we see one another multiple times a week and I text a tiny bit in between if I am so moved, and all is well.

      Tl;dr — CountC is wise.

    • TO Lawyer

      When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we were really only texting to set up dates (about once a week). After the first couple dates, we would maybe text once or twice during the week in between dates but it was fairly limited. Once we had been dating for a couple months, the texting was much more frequent.

      It’s all about your comfort level though. I will say, with other guys, I got insecure when I hadn’t heard from them. With my current guy, even though I wasn’t hearing from him that often, I never felt insecure because he had proved himself to be really reliable and would always touch base before a date, so I never felt like he was doing a fade-out.

      Also – CountC’s advice is gold. Listen to her!

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Yup. This is very true. Everyone is different and just because your communication styles are potentially incompatible, doesn’t mean that you as people are incompatible. It really depends on the people and the circumstances you’re in.

      For example, with my current SO, we texted/e-mailed daily from day one. Long, involved conversations between dates etc (and we still text a lot every day just to see how the other person’s day is going, make plans etc) but less so because now we see each other more. However, neither of us freaks out if the other person isn’t contacting us all the time because life happens. What is different here, though, is that we knew each other peripherally for 10+ years so it was more natural to go straight into the chat, whereas with other boyfriends it has definitely been less frequent at the start and mainly limited to setting up dates etc.

      Incidentally, I think we have spoken on the phone once, ever (unless you count Skype when one of us is out of town), because neither of us really cares about that and text/e-mail is easier to manage when other stuff is going on as you just reply when you can.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Haha, my husband and I have never spoken on the phone. We both hate it. We rely on texts and emails.

    • bridget

      I loathe texting, so count me firmly in the “so what?” camp. In fact, I loathe texting so much that I blocked it to my phone – and my dating life actually improved a lot after that. I don’t wonder if a three-hour delay in replying is due to him being in a meeting at work – or him not being into me. Seriously, you can run your entire life without texting – don’t sweat it.

      If he’s not returning your calls, or doesn’t engage in other substantive interaction, then worry.

    • Anonymous

      I’ll be an outlier. I love constant texting. I think it’s super sweet that any time I turn to my phone, there’s a text from my man. I’m late 20s and he’s early 30s, and there’s no “age” at which texting becomes taboo. It’s 100% a matter of what you’re comfortable with and what he’s comfortable with. If you’re not comfortable with the same things, either talk about out (with your SO or your therapist) to figure out why, or move on. Life is too short to be miserable.

      • January

        HAHAHA I am so the opposite of you. But you found someone who works well with that, so that’s the important thing! Moral of the story to the OP: I think preferred frequency of texting is highly personal and doesn’t necessarily communicate disinterest.

  11. I love the relationship advice here

    I just want to thank everyone for the great conversation on here a couple days ago about the planning fiancee engaged to a non-planning guy. My man is a non-planner and it used to bother me how he would leave things til the last minute. After a mishap a few weeks ago, it suddenly “clicked” for me that that’s just *how he is* and it would be futile and terrible for me to try to change him… to force him to do things the way I would do them… in other words, to control him or make him more like me. So I’ve already been thinking about this, and it was really helpful to read everyone’s perspectives.

    I particularly appreciated reading everyone’s comments about how it often works when the non-planner is up for taking care of last-minute tasks. BF is always happy to take on whatever last-minute or spur-of-the-moment tasks we need and it’s actually one of the things I appreciate most about him, but I had never seen it as an equally necessary skill for accomplishing tasks or goals. I think I was taking it for granted in some way, so reframing it as something he brings to the table when it comes to making our lives easier, the same way I bring “being prepared,” was really, really helpful.

    • emeralds

      Just chiming in to say that I also appreciate all of the perspectives I can read here about relationships. The planner/non-planner thing wasn’t particularly relevant to my relationship (I’m more of a planner than my BF, but he can get his s**t together when he needs to; on the other hand my mom is a mega planner in ways that drive me up the wall, so I can see all sides of this one), but I love how this community lets me see how other successful, professional women balance things.

    • Senior Attorney

      Funny story about planners vs non-planners: One of my first dates with my gentleman friend was at a sit-down dinner party at his house. Eight guests, china and silver, multi-course meal, the works. He called on Thursday night to invite me to the party on Saturday evening. Being a gigantic big ol’ planner, I assumed that because nobody plans a sit-down dinner party for eight in less than three days, I must have been a backup date when the original date fell through for whatever reason. Which was fine because I really liked him.

      I soon found out that nope, that’s just how he rolls. He decides on Thursday night to have a dinner party on Saturday, and he makes it happen! Let’s hear it for the last minute!

      • SC

        Haha. I’m a planner married to a non-planner, but planning a dinner party on Thursday night for Saturday does not seem last-minute to me. We’ve invited people over for a dinner party for the same evening on our way home from the grocery store, and taken out the china just because :-) That said, I love being spontaneous, as long as everyone is OK if some people aren’t available, or dinner is an hour and a half late (it always is).

      • Woods-comma-Elle

        Ha! I’m a planner, boyfriend is not (although he loves me planning for him, which suits me just fine). The fact that he can call up a bunch of his friends on a Saturday and go out with them the same night because nobody has plans is really new to me – my friends are all booked up weeks in advance!

        • Senior Attorney

          Woods-comma-Elle, that’s us exactly. We decided late last Thursday to have a BBQ on Sunday night, invited people on Friday, and we ended up with 17 of his friends and two of mine! Ha!

    • Angela

      I am the planner of a 24 yr relationship, married to a non-planner, two kids, two cars, one dog, etc.

      I have to say I am about at the end of my rope organizing family birthdays, vet visits, auto mechanic, govt liscensing, kid doc, vacations and so on. Frankly, if it bugs you now, you might be absolutely batty about it in 20 yrs. and I did visit my family doc this week coincidentally to see if I was either depressed or OCD.

      She recommended a marriage counsellor. Just saying.

  12. KT

    Any recommendation for comfy boots to wear with bootcut jeans that won’t make me look like I’m stuck 15 years ago? I thouhgt about Chelsea’s, but saw up above that might look a bit dated (skinny jeans look awful on me). Are there any styles that DO work with a lower heel?

        • Scarlett

          A wider leg is back this season, but I think they are much more flared/almost 70s than the bootcut styles that were in before skinny jeans. Much more exaggerated.

        • First Year Anon

          I don’t know, I have a pair of bootcuts I’ve been keeping around because it seems silly to throw them out. I think I would be comfortable wearing them if I went like apple picking or something, which isn’t really a trendy event to begin with…

          And yes, wider leg is in season, particularly cropped wide leg (which isn’t very flattering so we’ll see how many people actually take on the trend). I just bought a pair of wide leg trousers for work.

          • Katie

            I’m with you. I have one dark wash pair that I’ll wear with Converse or my suede New Balances for activities like apple picking (outdoors but not very strenuous and not at all looking to make a fashion statement). I don’t think the bootcut look that was big before skinnies is back. Higher waisted flares worn with some type of heel seem to be in.

  13. Preg nausea

    I’m supposed to go to a conference room for a long conference call shortly. I’m 6 weeks pregnant and so so nauseous (it just started a few days ago). Haven’t thrown up yet but I’m terrified of the possibility of throwing up in front of my coworkers. Help! Do I just say I’m not feeling well and plan on taking the call from my office? Or chance it and hope for the best? I don’t know how I’m going to hide feeling this sick for weeks.

    • NYC tech

      Do what you need to do to get through this. For what it’s worth, when I had pregnancy nausea, I rarely if ever threw up without some kind of trigger (a strong smell, eating or drinking, brushing teeth, etc), so if you avoid even sipping water, you might make it through just fine (if miserable). A lot of my friends had the same experience. Of course, this can vary a lot from person to person.

    • nutella

      I’d say you woke up with a bug and don’t want to risk getting people sick so will phone in from your office.

    • js

      I always took a bottle of very cold water or lemonade. Sour candy also helped and wasn’t terribly obvious. Mints work for some people. For me, keeping myself at the right temperature was huge — cold was better than warm, so if you can, try taking off your top layer if you can get away with it.

      I had the same fear, but I’ve surprised myself with my ability (and luck) to not gag in meetings and only get really sick at home. Chances are, you’ll make it through ok and go into the next meeting with other people with more confidence. Good luck!

      • anne-on

        Lemonade was my life saver. Ice cold water with sliced lemons also really helped. So did having something small and starchy to snack on – cereal, almonds, wheat thins, whatever. Good luck!

      • Maddie Ross

        This! Lemon jolly ranchers, lemonheads, frozen lemonades all were big helps for me.

    • anon

      Probably too late by now, but you can always just get up and leave. I had to do this both for nausea and for pregnancy-related nosebleeds. Trust me, you’ll think of an excuse.

    • SC

      Definitely take it in your office. From another perspective, I threw up frequently just because, with no trigger, and there were times it was so sudden I couldn’t make it to the bathroom to throw up. There were also times when I threw up with nothing or only water in my stomach, and times that mints, ginger, or lemons were triggers. Since you don’t know how bad it’s going to be, play it safe for now.

    • Preg nausea

      Thanks so much for all the great suggestions. I ended up playing it safe and staying in my office, but never actually threw up. Every time I eat something small and carb-y (crackers, grapes) I feel a lot better, but after about an hour I’m back to feeling sick. Thanks again for all the suggestions!

  14. Job hunting in DC

    I’m moving to DC around Labor Day and I’m looking for work and not finding many postings. (Law – I’m keeping all my options open – firm, agency, policy.) I know Congress is out for August recess, but is it fair to say the rest of the city slows down, as well? I’m hoping to start work October 1…will postings and such pick up in September?

    • roses

      I haven’t had experience job hunting here, but I can tell you that my law firm and our clients realllyyyyy slow down in August. Everyone is on vacation, typically coming back after Labor Day.

      • DisenchantedinDC

        Yep, things are moving slower than molasses here. I wonder why places even post jobs over the summer sometimes, it takes them until the fall to address applications.

        • Brit

          Do you this applies to all places, not just law, but nonprofit too? I’ve been job hunting long distance for something in DC and haven’t heard anything back from companies.

    • Kelly

      Your inclination about timing may be on–summer=vacation time!–but a lot of legal employers (not gov’t, but more private sector policy and small/mid firms, incl boutiques) here simply do not post jobs, they rely on who they know. Which sucks hardcore if you’re moving here. Link up with your law school (and undergrad, if possible) network, start informational interviewing like mad, join bar associations, and fill the time with career development things like this until postings pick up, or until you have an “in.” And, of course, BEST OF LUCK! We’ll be pulling for you!

      • roses

        Yes, this. If you are interested in firms, you should also get a recruiter. There is a lot on the market for even just general lit associates now.

        A government job is unlikely to happen by October though. It can’t hurt to apply, but the government hiring process takes a bare minimum of 3 months, and up to a year or more for positions requiring tougher security clearances.

    • Wildkitten

      Slow august is when people have time for informational interviews. Do all of them.

  15. LSJ

    Help! I have a great opportunity to make a career jump and am expecting an offer this week. But I just got a call for an interview for next week for a different position I would really love. That process is just starting and could take several weeks, and I won’t be able to stall on the other offer for that long. What would you do? Accept the offer and rescind acceptance if necessary? What if I start the new job and get the other job offer shortly thereafter? It feels so icky but I know I have to do what is best for myself. Thoughts? Advice?

    • Anon

      Tell the second company that you have another offer on the table (once you have it). I did it once at the conclusion of my interview with the second company and they got back to me in just 2 days when normally they’d take weeks. “I’ve really enjoyed our time today and believe I’d be a great fit for Company. I want to let you know that I do have another offer on the table. When do you think I can expect to hear back from you?/How do you foresee this process moving forward?”

      • Hollis

        Great advice. I was in this same situation once and they basically told me that it could take months so I just accepted the first offer I have. Don’t stress about it – this is a good problem to have, and who is to say that the other opportunity is going to be better than the one you have?

  16. Anon

    Kat, are we ever going to be able to subscribe to comments again? I really liked that option, especially when I had posed a question to the hive.

  17. anonymous

    What do you do to keep a good attitude at work when everything is looking down? Not only am I having huge problems that are not of my making, but I work with incompetent people who are lazy and do very little work and have very little common sense. I’m trying to get out of here, but until then, how do I calm down and put on a happy face?

    • Anon

      Come up with things to look forward to after work. I joined a Beyonce dance aerobics (done in high heels) for a while – it was a great pick-me-up. Cooking class? Sometimes we have to distract ourselves with shiny objects.

        • Anon

          Haha, it was fun! It was at a dance studio that did traditional dance classes for kids and then fun things in the evenings for adults – belly dance, hip hop, etc. I used it to “bring my sexy back” haha after I’d been in a slump. I spent the entire hour trying so hard to follow the instructor that my mind was completely vacant of all law- and men-related thoughts. Unfortunately, it was $17 per class. Yipes. So I didn’t stay with it as long as I would have liked to.

        • Anona

          They have these in NYC, if you live there! Maybe not with heels, but Beyonce-themed workouts, amongst others. I think Banana Skirt is one of the bigger studios that does this.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I also have several incredibly lazy, sloppy coworkers and it kills me to spend so much time re-doing their work/doing it for them in the first place, especially when I already carry the brunt of the workload for our team. It also helped me to accept that it was normal to feel angry/annoyed at these people; that realization helped me to just take a moment to curse them in my head for being incompetent imbeciles and then move on with my life.

    • Ellen

      Hug’s to you. I have the same issue with Mason, Frank, Madeline and Lynn. All in their OWN ways are lazy, and most have littel common sense. But you should NOT fret. You have a job, you get a paycheck, and hopefuly you have a boyfreind to come home to and dish. So just think positive–you will find a better place with smarter peeople, and you will not be haveing to deal as much with a$$hole’s some where else. YAY!!!

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