Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Peplum Suit Jacket

375 Comments

1. My husband and I are on vacation in Europe and we really like how a lot of the double beds in the hotels here have slightly separate mattresses and duvets. We both sleep more soundly when we aren’t disturbing the other. How would we go about doing this in the US? Would we buy two twin beds and push them together or can you find European double bed frames?

   1. My husband and I share the same mattress but have separate sheets/blankets. It’s awesome.

      1. Yes! After a trip to Europe, I switched so that we have a queen mattress with a fitted sheet, and two separate twin duvets, one for each of us. I sleep hotter than my husband, so we can each have the warmth level we want, and no more blanket tugging and hogging.

   2. A king is exactly equivalent to two twins, so I think you could use a king bed frame with twin mattresses and sheets.

   3. You could buy a king bed frame and put 2 twin mattresses on it.

   4. I don’t know if you’ll find similar bed frames in the US inexpensively. Likely a platform bed would work well. I have the Pottery Barn Stratton King bed, and it’s a flat base where you could have 2 twins instead of 1 king mattress. Any kind of similar platform would likely work well.

   5. We did the two-twins-as-a-king thing for about 7 years (separate box springs, separate frames, with one king-sized set of sheets). It was fine, but both were innerspring mattresses and even though they were separate they still transferred jiggles across since they were touching. Now we have a single latex foam (not memory foam) mattress and LOVE it. Two separate top sheets would stop the cover-stealing antics, but this mattress material doesn’t transfer movement from next door the way the old innerspring mattresses did.

      1. +1 to a mattress that is NOT innerspring. DH and I recently purchased the Casper mattress and it’s awesome in the “not transferring movement” category. When you get back and if you have time to go to a mattress store, test out an innerspring and then a foam/latex mattress and you’ll be pretty amazed at the difference.

      2. +1. We have memory foam, and it doesn’t bounce around when one of us moves. It’s awesome.

      3. Latex Foam is the place to be. I can’t feel my husband or dogs moving at all.

   6. My grandparents did this — I think they had a king frame, and put twin mattresses and box springs within that frame.

      DH and I have been bed sharing for 15 years, and the older we get, the more I think they were onto something!

      1. I think separate bedrooms were underrated. I would also like my own bathroom.

   7. We’re going to try to halfway try this, one mattress (foam) and two duvets. We essentially do this now, with just grabbing different blankets, but I can’t find summer weight, high quality duvets in twin size.

      1. The Company Store duvets are good quality, and they make (almost?) all in twin size, I believe.

      2. IKEA. Like everything else IKEA, ymmv about whether the quality is sufficient, but for a summer weight twin for a super low price, I’ve been okay with ours. They haven’t leaked or shifted after a year of use. I’ve got down and feather (Honsbar, I think) and you can search by warmer or cooler on their site (or in the store).

         1. IKEA duvets are excellent. I’ve had mine for 10+ years and it’s the best.

      3. I have a year-round duvet from Amazon (might be pinzon or amazon basics, can’t remember which exactly) that is good year round for SEUS.

   8. Memory foam mattress and separate blankets. We’ve been doing separate blankets for awhile, but just recently switched to a memory foam mattress and the difference in disturbance from each other moving around is really noticeable. I sleep so much better. There are tons of memory foam mattresses available online. We got ours from Costco for $550 for a king.

   9. We already have a latex mattress that is meant to be good for no motion transfer, but it’s deifnitely not the same.

   10. After YEARS of interrupted sleep due to my husband’s constant movement during the night, we switched to a king memory foam mattress and 2 duvets about 6 months ago. I’ve been sleeping like a rock and no longer wake up angry with him. Also, ear plugs have been a game changer to block out his snoring. We bought a Loom and Leaf mattress online. No complaints.

       1. +1 to the ear plugs. I tried all brands/types and the one that by far works the best are the Mack’s silicone ear plugs. I split them in half. I have been sleeping so much deeper wearing these, and it blocks out the hubs snoring.

   11. Also, you could size up on the covers. So if you have a queen size mattress, use a king-size cover.
       For twin mattress, I suggest double size covers.

       Good luck! let us know how it works out

2. Hive, I could use a voice of reason.

   My head is spinning and I have no idea what to do. Last night, I found out through a mistakenly forwarded email that my boyfriend of 2 years is a convicted felon for a non-violent offense and spent 2 years in prison in his early 20’s. I’m completely dumbfounded. I did a background check (I thought) when we first started dating because hey, knowledge is power, but somehow nothing came up at the time or I used a search that wasn’t comprehensive enough.

   I feel stupid because our finances are completely entangled and surprise, are not in the best place right now. But he has vastly more resources to fix things than I do. Overall, things between us haven’t been good between us lately and he’s coming home from a business trip tonight. We live together. He tends to be arrogant and I’m realizing he is more of a manipulator than I ever knew.

   What is my next step? What would you do? I feel paralyzed with shock and I don’t know how to navigate what comes next.

   1. Are you concerned for your safety? If so call a domestic violence hot line. How do you move out? What’s your living situation? How do you untangle your finances?

      I personally wouldn’t be as freaked out as you about this but it’s clear you don’t want to be with him so your next step is figuring out how to safely get out.

      1. The fact that he hid this is totally something to be freaked out about. They’ve been together 2 years and are basically married – live together + combined finances. This is something you tell someone pretty soon after you realize they’re going to be around for a while. I’d think the same for a more minor offense like a DUI; you CERTAINLY need to disclose a felony. A lie of omission is still a lie.

      2. I see alot of red flags here, tho he appears to have gotten past being a prisoner for 2 years, with a real job. I understand you are questioning his trustworthyness b/c of this omission, but some of the OPs are saying it was OK not to tell you about this. 2 years is along time to be in jail, so there needs to be some explanation on his resume for this. What does that say? Did he lie to his employers and say he was working (other then on a chain gang, that is)? Personally, I would DTMFA, but you may be different. If he is the only man on the horizon, and you need for him to share finances with, then you may be stuck with him. But if NOT, DTMFA as soon as you can extrapolate yourself from him, financially, emotionally and physically. But be safe. 2 years in the jailhouse probably hardened him and he could become violent if you OUT him on his past. So be quiet about it until the right time, then make your move. Good luck to you. I am so glad I dumped my ex, and the worst he was guilty of was being an unemployed drunk (who wanted s-x all the time). FOOEY on him and FOOEY on your boyfreind. DOUBEL FOOEY on BOTH!

   2. I’m sorry. Keep mum until you can untangle your finances and/or stash money away. Then get out. Don’t ever combine finances without a contract or marriage again. Hugs.

      1. +1000

         I’m very concerned about what non-violent felony has him serving two years.

         1. Um, drugs? I read that and assumed he had a possession with intent to distribute, which is the easiest way to find yourself with a felony, signed HR person who sees way too many background check reports in blue collar hiring.

            1. @HRAnom – it sounds like something more white collar though? I just assumed that based on the fact that he is out of town on a business trip but maybe I’m wrong?

            2. Related to fraud. I’m doubly concerned because I feel some of the patterns in how he has gently pressured me into combining finances and maybe his general mindset could mean that he hasnt necessarily changed his ways.

            3. It’s totally possible to have a drug conviction in your 20s and then work a white collar job in your 30s/40s. Sounds like this was a while ago and he’s really turned his life around.

            4. Yes, but that it happened in his early 20s. That’s PRIME dumb decision then turn your life around timing. I more meant that the main thing I see on non-violent felony is drug related. I just happen to hire in an industry where I see more felony background checks than a traditional white collar role would normally see.

         2. Someone hasn’t seen OITNB

         3. My brother did 12 months for a non violent felony. He was on his 2nd (maybe 3rd) DUI and had pot in the car. He was in his early 20s.

            I wouldn’t say he quite “turned his life around,” but pot is legal in his state now, he has kept the breathalyzer in his car by choice after the state mandated period ran out, has a job (which he had pre prison), etc. He doesn’t make a secret out of his jail time, but I don’t know how/if/when he brings it up to women he dates. I assume it comes up when they see the breathalyzer installed in his car, and if he’s smart, he discloses then. “yep did some real dumb stuff 10 years ago that landed me with a felony and have bubble wrapped myself to prevent it from happening again.”

      2. Yes, great advice. Id add to make sure to confide in a therapist and/or trusted friend/family member about what youre going through.

         1. This too. It seems odd to me that you’d feel the need to do a background check at the outset of a relationship – gently, it suggests to me that there is something a little wonky there in your judgment of partners. (I mean, I understand why you’d want to screen future people NOW, but not in the past.

            Or maybe your gut WAS telling you something was off about this guy?

            1. What? No. Most women I know type the name of men they’re dating into the criminal records database in my state. It’s just part of being safe. That’s what I assumed when she said “background check.” Not, like, fingerprints and social security number given to an FBI agent or something.

            2. Most women you know?? I’m astounded by that. I have literally never done that (and I met my husband on OKC) or known anyone who has.

            3. +1 Anon at 1:24. I’m lawyer and so are many of my friends. We do a brief Google, sure, but no criminal records database searches.

            4. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t Google someone before giving them the keys to your place? I always do.

            5. Yeah it blows my mind that someone would run a background check on a partner. I met my husband online (ages ago before everyone was online) and I never would have dreamed of doing that.

   3. I am so sorry. I’d work on untangling the finances first, then gtfo.

   4. If the relationship is failing anyway, sure, get out. If it isn’t, maybe have a conversation with him about his past? Did you two ever discuss this? I can see how this kind of thing doesn’t come up organically and then all of a sudden you have been together too long to bring it up. There is such a stigma for people with criminal records. Maybe he thought he could keep his past his past. I wouldn’t necessarily end a good relationship over this. People can change. That said, it sounds like the relationship hasn’t been good and you want out.

      1. Agree with this. I think there are two separate issues here: 1) you just found out your BF has a felony and 2) your relationship is not in a good place currently, with the added stress of financial problems. I would encourage you not to conflate the two issues, and not use 1 as an excuse to end the relationship, particularly since it’s a non-violent crime. However, if you really are unhappy in your relationship, start figuring out a way out of it. You deserve to be happy.

      2. +1. How long has it been since he was in prison? People make mistakes and deserve a second chance. If things are otherwise okay or fixable, don’t throw him away because of this.

      3. I agree with this too. I get that it’s shocking to find out this way but I also get how it would be very hard for him to tell you about his past if he’s really turned his life around.
         I also think it matters what crime it was. If it was something like drug possession and he no longer does drugs I’d be a lot less worried than if it was embezzlement or something like that that automatically involves dishonesty.

         1. Unfortunately closer to the latter.

      4. There are mistakes and then there are mistakes. It’s not clear to me if OP knows what the charge was, but it would matter a lot to me. Violent crimes aren’t the only crimes with victims.

      5. Sorry, I see now that it was related to fraud (which has everything to do with concerns about trustworthiness, transparency, and finances).

   5. The combination of “arrogant and manipulative” and “my head is spinning” concerns me. If there’s any chance that your boyfriend could have narcissistic personality disorder, I recommend getting a therapist for yourself who has background in personality disorders or DBT. People with NPD are often quite predictable, so consulting an expert could really help with “navigating what comes next.”

      1. I have wondered this myself. Thank you for pointing this out.

      2. If we’re talking personality disorders, Antisocial is also a possibility. This isn’t to diagnose him, but to plan for your self-protection. I’m so sorry.

   6. It sounds like you’re suspicious about the money situation? Act on that, today, in whatever way you can.

   7. I honestly don’t think the felony and serving 2 yrs is an issue – he served his time and has lived a hopefully upstanding life until this moment – he possibly got his record expunged as part of a deal which might be why it didn’t come up on a background check. And TBH I don’t think it’s necessary for S.O.s to share everything about their past unless it affects the present (i.e. violent crime, a felony record that could affect job and credit prospects which doesn’t seem to be the case here). It’s a big thing to not tell, but you also didn’t ask.

      The real concern are the other red flags of things not being good lately and manipulation (!) that you point out which points to separating your finances and dumping him as soon as possible.

      1. Seriously? He has a felony record! That affects job and credit prospects! And he lied about it! I’m shocked that this board is so meh about this. This is someone she’s combined her life with, not just a drinking buddy to hang out with, yes he absolutely had an obligation to tell her about this before they moved in together.

         1. I didn’t see any indication that he lied about it. She did her own criminal background check (which to me is super bizarre) without asking him if he had a criminal history. It’s not something I normally ask people I date. Maybe I should. At what point do you think he lied?

            1. He didn’t tell her he was a felon. Come on.

            2. You’re right, you only have a right to information that you specifically ask for. Just like if I didn’t ASK if a guy was married – I just assumed that he wouldn’t be dating if he was – then he doesn’t need to tell me! He’s not lying!

            3. At the very least this was lying by omission. ALSO if youre combining your finances with someone (married or not) you should absolutely tell them they went to jail for fraud or something money related!!

         2. The record may have been expunged since it didn’t come up on a background check and he seems to have a good job. I’m definitely not “meh” about felonies but I also don’t think this would be an automatic reason to dump someone she loved who had turned his life around and was now a good person and citizen. Doesn’t sound like that’s the case with OP’s bf though.

         3. Also- 2 years in prison? Spending 2 years of your life anywhere is a very unusual thing to be hiding completely within a relationship that’s this serious.

            OP, you’ve said that the crime is related to dishonesty and that you’re now concerned about how he acted re commingling your finances. I think you’re absolutely right to be alarmed, and I’m so sorry. If you are not concerned about violence on his part, I’d suggest opening your own account immediately, start putting your paychecks there, and sleeping somewhere else while you get your bearings. Call in your wisest, most supportive people and tell them what’s going on. Second the recommendation for therapy too.

            1. Agreed. Get your financial ducks in a row as soon as you can. Make sure you document EVERYTHING related to finances, leases, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. in a safe place before he gets back. Open a new account immediately that he doesn’t have access to. Put Team You on red alert.

               I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will be thinking about you and sending strength and good vibes your way.

            2. +2

            3. Yeah, although I can imagine a situation in which it would be a relatively benign omission, I think in this case you should definitely listen to your gut and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and disentangle your finances ASAP.

            4. In response to emeralds – you can easliy open an Ally checking account online in just a few minutes. No need to go to a bank branch or anything like that.

         4. +1 that I’m surprised by some of the reactions here. If I found out that my live-in boyfriend of 2 years was concealing something this significant, I would absolutely be incredibly freaked out. At the very least, it takes a lot of omissions, if not outright lies, to avoid mentioning to your S.O of *two years* that you spent time in prison.

            To put it into context, I could tell you where each of my closest friends lived in every year in their early 20s. I could actually tell you that about my close co-workers as well. You have to work hard to hide that in a relationship, and that level of deception would be incredibly troubling to me.

            It’s the cover-up, not the crime.

            1. Depends on how old you are. If my husband had done two years in his early 20s, that would be 40-plus years ago. I have only the vaguest idea about where he was living and what he was doing back then.

               Again, though, I think OP is quite right to be taking this very seriously.

            2. Agree.

               If he didn’t describe it in sufficient (for the OP) detail, I wouldn’t be as concerned. People might allude to “was convicted of a non-violent crime in my early 20s” or something, and it would be on her to decide if this is something she wanted to continue with.

               But the issue isn’t whether or not she should be angry about this – she should end the relationship, and that involves severing finances. IMHO, she should find any agreements they have, talk to an attorney (sometimes, shutting down a joint bank account can have ramifications), and protect herself.

               I would also suggest just finding a friend who has a guest room, or, heavens, moving back in with parents if that’s an option. Sever the financial ties, move out, and break it off.

            3. I think this would equate to finding out your live in partner of 2 years was previously married. The sort of thing that, you know, should come up at some point over 2 years. Or that they are not a US citizen (this happened to a friend! And not that it matters [except it sorta did for visa reasons] but like oh yeah actually I know You know I was born in X and lived there until college but actually also I am NOT a dual citizen like you assumed…)

   8. Just want to chime in with a reminder that financial and emotional abuse is a thing. I see a lot of comments here asking about OP’s physical safety – physical abuse isn’t the only kind of abuse. OP, you can still reach out to DV hotlines and women’s shelters even if he never hit you.

      1. Yep, watch out for emotional abuse. I recently go out of an emotionally abusive relationship and didn’t even realize it until I started seeing my therapist.

      2. Absolutely! Please call the DV hotline and talk to them. You say he’s arrogant at times, there may be other ways he’s manipulative that you don’t see right now. Give “Why Does He Do That” a read.

         Also, what if this isn’t the only thing he’s hiding? I can’t imagine someone hiding a felony conviction and jail time from their partner.

   9. I think you’re completely justified in being upset. That’s a major life event to leave out. I understand that a past prison sentence isn’t something that’s going to come up on the first date and maybe not in the first month, but you’ve been together for two years! I’d also be concerned that a two year prison sentence for someone in their early 20s is pretty significant for a white collar crime. How long ago was this? Is it possible he’s still on supervision?

      You’re right to be concerned about your finances. Typically defendants are required to pay back loss amounts, which can be hefty. He may have a large court ordered debt that you don’t know about.

      I second the recommendations to untangle your finances and also take a long hard look at your relationship. You need to decide whether you can trust this guy.

      Finally, don’t beat yourself up about not finding this sooner. Some criminal records are easy to find. Some are almost impossible. Google isn’t at all reliable for criminal records and many states don’t have them available online.

   10. Not OP. What are some specific ways to untangle the finances? Open a separate bank account? How can joint accounts be closed/emptied without the other person knowing?

       1. Oh yes, and OP make sure you mark ‘unread’ on the email and cover your tracks so he doesn’t know you know.

       2. Open a separate account – move your direct deposit there. With joint accounts you can’t change the owners of the account without both people being there, but only one of the owners is needed to withdraw money and /or close the account (seems kinda crazy to me). Obviously the other person will find out at some point after that happens. I personally would start creating a historical record of the accounts, too – save down statements, download the transactions into Mint or excel or somewhere – note which ones are yours and which are his. Also, close any joint credit cards. Pull your credit report from one, two or all 3 of the credit agencies (you get the report free 1x per year from each agency) and make sure there aren’t any accounts on there that you don’t even know about.

       3. My best guess (open to suggestions) on closing the bank accounts is: take a lunch hour to open up a brand-new bank account in your name only. Move your direct deposit over there. Before your new direct deposit hits the new account (i.e. before it is *not* where it should be in the joint account), take a day off from work and remove *your* money from the joint accounts. Do the calculations in advance. Pretend to your partner that you are going to work as normal.

          That evening, head home with friends, announce you’re leaving him, and move as much of your cr-p out as you and your friends can.

          I’m not a fan of emptying the bank accounts, simply because it could cause problems later. You don’t need him chasing you for money that is (in his mind) his, and, yeah, karma’s a thing.

   11. I’m so sorry this happened. The other ladies have given you excellent advice– I would be walking away, but not until I’d very thoroughly shored up my finances.

       That process would be stressful and intimidating for me after a discovery this profoundly life-changing– do you have any finance-minded or CPA friends who’d be willing to sit down and help you? I had a friend do that with me after a spate of ridiculous medical bills and other life circumstances, and it was SO helpful– she wasn’t emotionally invested in the numbers the way I was, and having a friend there made it much less stressful for me.

       There are lots of excellent resources online about narcissistic personality disorder. I would be checking those out. And don’t be afraid to lean on the hive for support– we are here. This is really hard. Be kind to yourself, and do what you can to make sure you’re getting regular food, hydration, rest, and time with friends or other people who support you and who you trust.

   12. Your mention of manipulation got my attention. It is great you are starting to see him clearly. I would start to entangle your finances, on the DL if you can. Pay attention to what he says and does and notice if he is controlling, gas lighting, or otherwise a shove. Read what you can on emotional abuse, maybe narcissitic abuse. I wouldn’t necessary confront him. Especially if he might get violent. Just think about what you want to do. For more information on emotional abuse, Shannon Thomas has a good book, also Psycopath Free (which is where I learned about indirect persuasian) is good. Tracy Malone has good podcast. Talk to a therapist. DBT type therapy might be an option – it helped me a lot. Try to be compassionate with yourself. You’re human.

       It sucks when your entire reality is turned upside down. I’m recoverying from an abusive relationship myself.

3. Any feedback on how the LOFT Plus range fits? For reference, other plus lines I wear are Talbots, Rachel Roy, Vince Camuto, Lord & Taylor, Old Navy, and Adriana Pappell.

   1. I find the pants fit a bit tight, but the tops and dresses have been fairly consistent with Talbots sizing, I’d say.

   2. I wear most of the same ranges as you and bought a few things from Loft Plus last month that are quickly becoming favorites in the rotation. My overall order was hit or miss, but the hits are good (particularly on pants, where I really struggle). I wear a 16w in Talbots skirts and 18WP in their pants and fluctuate between 16W and 18W in Adriana Pappell dresses depending on the cut; the Loft pants that fit best were 16W and I got a casual dress that was a 1x and fit well. Just ordered a bunch more items this morning when the whole site went 40% off.

      Relatedly, anyone know how the new(ish) WHBM plus line fits? This morning’s jacket pick got me looking at their stuff and it looks nice.

   3. I feel like everything was similar to old navy sizing. I ordered a bunch of items and returned a bunch that fit weird or had weird fabrics, but the ones I kept are what I want to live in lately. In general I wear a 20-22 or a 2x in clothes from Nordstrom Rack, but find that I have to size down for both Old Navy and Loft. I kept some 20s and a couple of 18s

4. Suggestions for interviews for in-house counsel positions? It’s been a long time since I’ve interviewed for a job. Specifically looking for best way to characterize interest in in-house position. I’m essentially being pushed out by my firm, but I’ve been thinking of making the switch for several years.

   1. I saw this advice when I was moving in-house and thought it was so helpful I saved it for myself: Think about in-house counsel’s role in the company, and how it’s different from outside counsel. Depending on the specifics, there could be a significant shift in your goals as an attorney. For myself, moving from litigation to in-house, I really had to readjust my thinking from “how can we win” to “what is best for the big picture, long term?” which doesn’t always look like a “win” if you are just looking at the litigation perspective.

      1. Great advice – thank you!

   2. Think of your role as an advisor to the business. You’re not a “hired gun” outside counsel to handle this one acqusition, this piece of “bet the company” litigation anymore. You’d be the person counseling the business on long term strategy – acquiring this one company as a part of long term goal of getting into X business, industry etc. I’m in transactional so I don’t know as much about the litigation version of this in-house. Also, know that your advice isn’t just about “legal issues,” you need to spot business, PR/comms, regulatory issues too. And what you should be bringing to the table is your sound judgment – that applies to everything, not just legal risk.

      Don’t say you want to go from many clients to “one” client or one corporate client – you still have many internal clients – whether it’s different lines of business, or big personalitys or rainmaker senior sales folks that have competing interests, etc.

   3. Agree with the advice above. It can be really fun (“rewarding” “satisfying”)* to be involved in the big picture that goes far beyond one particular matter/legal issue, into questions about how the company is run, what it does, etc.

      Coming from a litigation background, it’s also fun (“exciting” “an attractive challenge”) to get involved before there is a problem, to set the company up to be in a good position if things go south: the things you’re thinking, in litigation, “why on earth didn’t my client put ABC in his contract?!” — now you get to put that in the contract!

      Finally, I have found it fun (“a better fit for my personality”) to balance adversarial interactions (I still get my share of that) with cooperative endeavors, so that my days aren’t just filled with fights.

      *non legal people called me out for calling my work ‘fun’ too often, so I’m trying to think of other adjectives.

      1. Thanks all!

5. I need fitness advice. Lately, I’ve been getting lightheaded during the cool-down portion of my workout, and sometimes during stretching. Well, this morning I briefly passed out. The lightheadedness tends to happen when I’ve worked somewhat harder than usual, but it’s alarming. I’ve been working out 4-5 days a week for over a year now, so I’m in good cardio condition. I have a heart rate monitor and while I usually hit my max heart rate at some point during a workout, it’s usually not for long periods of time. Most of the time I’m in the target zone. What could be going on? Is it a hydration thing? I work out first thing in the morning, if that matters.

   1. Ask your doctor. Call right now. This isn’t normal. It could be all sorts of not terribly problematic things but none of us can tell you that.

   2. Call your doctor! That’s not normal.

      1. Agreed.

         It could be dehydration, it could be pregnancy (that happened to me while pregnant), it could be a blood pressure issue….. it could be a lot of things!

      2. Agreed. Call your doctor.

         But also, try drinking some gatorade or similar before/during your workout. I find when I work out first thing in the AM, I feel *much* better if I drink something with electrolytes and sugar.

      3. Definitely report back to us though. I had this issue in college. I very briefly passed out after a run and would routinely go black though still conscious after getting off the treadmill if I didn’t cool down. I had a half assed cardio workup and my doc said I was fine. I don’t work out that hard now that I’m older so it hasn’t happened in a long time but it is something that has always worried me.

   3. Have you eaten? I’ve had that happen a couple of times when I’ve skipped breakfast.

   4. I get really lightheaded running in the mornings if I try to rush my warmup or not eat a snack (even orange juice helps to get the blood sugar up) before heading out. If I want to do a hard workout, I have to do something like spinning (I think the sitting allows me not to feel dizzy). It tends to happen when I finally stop running and then I realize ‘whoah, I’m dizzy’. I run crazy distances so its not my fitness. Maybe you’ve changed something in your routine. Also I would call your doctor

      1. I think you’re onto something. My alarm didn’t go off this morning, so I was rushed getting out the door for my run and didn’t spend as much time warming up as I normally would. The run itself was fine, but I felt terrible afterward (and am sore and tired).

   5. Are you eating beforehand?

   6. Does your cool-down or stretching routine involve posture changes? If you think that may be related, your doctor can order a tilt table test to check for orthostatic hypotension.

   7. It could just be a food and/or water thing, but since you actually fainted I would talk to your doc! (Did you hit your head?)

      1. No, I didn’t hit my head. I was still conscious, just blacked out for a short period of time. I was able to sit down before I went totally dark.

   8. Why are you posting this on an Internet forum and not calling your doctor ASAP? I don’t mean to be harsh, but you need to be smart here.

      1. Um, cause it takes awhile to get an appointment and in the meanwhile someone might have something helpful to say? I should think that was obvious.

         1. No, OP said nothing about having consulted her doctor after any of these incidents.

         2. And honestly, passing out like this is an immediate doctor trip – urgent care or ER. I passed out once during norovirus and it almost led to a cardiac workup.

      2. Yes, I will call my doctor — I’m not dumb. I’m more curious about how common this is, and whether there’s a benign reason.

         1. Ok, again, we’re just going with what you told us. You framed this as a fitness issue. It could be a really substantial medical issue.

         2. It’s more alarming that you don’t have a history of fainting. Some people are just kind of fainters who might pass out easily when it’s hot or they haven’t eaten. It could just be something completely benign: vasovagel syncope, low electrolytes/blood sugar, dehydration, or less likely a malfunction with your heart that needs to be treated urgently. In general, if you don’t have a known issue and you pass out for more than 20-30 seconds you should go directly to the ER. They’ll probably run some labs looking for things like infection and electrolytes and probably do an EKG. If everything looks okay, it will probably a quick trip with a note to follow-up with your GP. But if something is seriously wrong, it’s the sort of thing that needs to be dealt with promptly. The fact that it’s happening after exercise makes me thing that it could be an dehydration/low electrolyte issue or a heart problem issue. Have you had any palpitations?

            1. No weird palpitations at all. I suspect that naturally low blood pressure/dehydration/low electrolytes are the likely culprits, but point taken that I should call my doctor.

   9. Are you working out outside? I run exclusively outside. On a 4 mile run in the winter I don’t sweat that much. In the summer, I lose over a pound in 35 minutes. You say you’ve been doing this workout schedule for over a year, but that might mean that last summer you were not working out as hard as you are this summer because last summer you were new to it. It could be a hydration issue. I would make an appointment with your dr and in the meanwhile significantly increase your water intake both right before bed and as soon as you get up before your workout, and maybe try gatorade (or coconut water or whatever) after the workout. See if it helps.

   10. Obviously get to a doctor ASAP and take their advice. I personally can’t work out in the morning. I used to do an intense 6AM spin, and while I have never passed out, but I have felt lightheaded after and had to sit in my car slamming a protein shake and then spend a minute feeling nauseous about that before I could drive. Thankfully my schedule is flexible and I’m able to start working earlier, then workout over lunch or immediately after work. Ideally I need to eat a meal 3 hours before and a light carb-y snack about an hour before. I also drink about 150 oz of water a day. I have had no lightheadedness issues later in the day.

   11. Go to a dr and I mean an MD not a NP or PA or whatever passes for a dr these days. Frankly if they don’t do an ekg i’d be headed to a cardiologist.

   12. Do you hydrate well during these work-outs? How much do you drink?

       You absolutely need to hydrate some and eat before a hard work-out. Young women often have low blood pressure to begin with, often at its lowest in the morning, and if you throw in a hard work out and not hydrating on top of that it sounds like you fainted from a drop in blood pressure. You should also be drinking a lot throughout your work out. It doesn’t matter if you are in good health and have tolerated these work outs in the past. You can’t anymore.

       Some of my friends have terrible hydration/eating habits and yet workout very hard. I’m surprised they aren’t passing out more.

       I totally agree you need to see your doctor. I would hold off on the very hard work-outs until you do. Make sure you LISTEN to your body’s warning signs of lightheadedness and STOP WORKING OUT and drink, rest, eat until you are feeling normal.

       1. +1 This used to happen to me in college, intermittently (and in the summer in California, where it’s HOT) and my doctor pointed out that it was happening on my period (duh), so I needed to hydrate even more than I normally did. I thought it was about not eating enough, but she said nope, almost certainly hydration.

       2. Syncope can be worse at certain times of your cycle for a variety of reasons (not just hydration), though I believe you that for you hydration was the issue.

   13. I have found that I have to drink a protein shake (or at least half of one) before I work out or I simply can’t make it through. You may want to try that.

   14. This happened to me all the time when I was pregnant, even just from very light exercise like walking. I passed out several times although like you I was always able to sit down, I never fell. I asked my doctor and she kind of brushed me off (“oh don’t worry, it won’t hurt the baby”… I could write a novel about how little doctors in the US care about maternal health but that’s a separate issue). I self-diagnosed myself with low blood pressure which is very common in pregnancy (increased blood volume = lower pressure). Making sure I was always very well hydrated helped somewhat but mostly I just had to wait for it to pass. Since pregnancy is a temporary condition that wasn’t too big a deal. In your case I’d definitely see a doctor because there may be meds or something that can help.

   15. Piling on to say call your doctor, but specifically because hitting your max HR in every workout is definitely not normal. You either need to reduce your intensity because your cardio isn’t quite where you think it is yet if your HR is that high, or there’s something wrong that’s causing the spikes. If it were once or twice, I’d write it off as a HRM malfunction, but not every workout combined with fainting.

   16. Was extremely common for me until I went to a doctor. I had extremely low blood pressure due to dehydration. I had run multiple half marathons, etc, and never had a problem until I suddenly did. My heartrate would spike over 180 bpm routinely. I need to drink about 80 oz of water a day to prevent this now. Sometimes more water if it’s hot or I have a long workout.

6. Were any of you ladies in attendance at the Northern California Aon women in leadership event Monday night?

   I loved the speakers. Evelyn Murphy was amazing. And I loved Karla Gallardo, the Cuyana founder. What an amazing startup story.

7. I am looking for advice with how to deal with parents who are making choices that I question. My mom is 60 and recently retired. She’s incredibly sharp and went from being in total boss mode (running the company she founded) to totally retired. I don’t think she was ready to stop working, but my stepdad was, and she wanted to be able to travel with him.

   They’ve been retired about 3 years, and they’ve been traveling a ton–which is great! They go on world cruises and are gone for 4-6 month stretches. I think this is the part of their life they enjoy the most. But on other fronts, I’ve noticed a pattern.

   1) My mom has been a long-time volunteer with an organization, and when she retired she became the president of the volunteer board. There was a falling out, and though I don’t know the details, I know she no longer volunteers there. This has been a huge part of her life for over 15 years.

   2) My mom has also been a member of a group for a disease she has and has gone to DC on numerous occasions to lobby for the disease. This was a bigger part of her life than volunteering because this was how she made most of her friends. She was a very active member but was suddenly kicked out of the club by the president and totally kicked out of the group. I saw the emails from the president and they were pretty harsh, but I have a feeling they were been warranted. My mother has been so successful at being a boss for so long that she sometimes exerts that authority in other contexts, and that (understandably) rubs other adults the wrong way.

   3) My parents downsized into a condo and joined the condo board. First my stepdad was on it, but he got kicked off for not getting along with people. Then my mom joined. I know the building is full of lots of grumpy retirees and is somewhat litigious, but my parents have now been sued twice by other residents or the condo board. Their solution is now to sell the condo and move into the suburbs, and they are making the move rather suddenly.

   Those are the big actions that I’m concerned by, but in the same time period I’ve also noticed some unsettling views. My stepdad has always kind of been ignorant–he thinks all politicians are crooked and refuses to learn about politics because then he’d have to have real conversations about substance. My mom has always been super liberal socially (she was a single mom raising two daughters for a while), but pretty conservative on economics. My parents have swung to adopt illogical, racist views. They don’t identify as pro-trump, but they complain about immigrants not speaking English, about how removing confederate statues as rewriting history to appease uber sensitive folks, and that the me-too movement is just frustrated women trying to chisel at the success of men (I literally cringe as I type all of this). These comments often rely on false news stories (storming a courthouse to burn down a statue of thomas jefferson!) and they are completely unwilling to engage in any sort of discussion about it. If you challenge their view or prod for support, you are being disrespectful.

   I’m 26, and I’ve never really felt like it was my place to judge or criticize my parent’s life choices (aside from parenting). But at the same time, I’m noticing this isolationist, hostile, pattern, and if these were friends, I would of course try to say something. Does anyone have any advice/insight?

   1. I don’t really think it’s your business. Nothing you’ve said suggests dementia or abuse or anything like that where you would need to step in and they seem perfectly happy even if you don’t agree with them. If you don’t want to hear political rants you don’t agree with, that’s totally reasonable, and you can tell them as much and ask for a change of subject. But I wouldn’t try to parent them.

      1. Agree with this. I know people of all stripes whose politics I do. not. want. to. hear. about, and I just always have a topic change in my back pocket. (My grandfather likes to hear about my job, for instance, and my brother can always be distracted if you ask him what photography projects he’s been up to lately.)

      2. Yep.

         Politely disagree if you can, but don’t engage on topics that you know you disagree on and the conversation won’t be productive. Don’t give unsolicited life advice. No on likes it, least of all your parents.

         I’m sorry this is upsetting you. It’s hard to realize your parents are racist. But there’s nothing you can do about it and trying will only create drama.

         1. Agree with all of the suggestions to avoid engaging. That’s been my plan thus far and your comments confirm that I should stick with it. But follow-up–is this a valid reason to distance myself from my parents? Or is this something all kids deal with when their parents get older?

            1. That’s up to you. What does it mean to you to distance yourself? What is it about your relationship that you would define as “close” or not close? What about it do you enjoy? You don’t have to call them every day or seek their advice about every decision you make, but there’s a lot of space between that and not contacting them at all.

            2. Only you can decide whether this is a reason to distance yourself from your parents, because only you can set the boundaries that you’re comfortable with.

               There are a lot of reasons why I’m not close with my dad: life decisions he’s made, the values he demonstrates in how he treats others, his general character as a person. Our embargo on talking about “controversial” topics (like “women should not be objectified and harassed in their places of work” or “Black people were not better off under slavery,” f**cking gag me, I wish I were kidding) is the least of it. If he were an overall okay person who had a few distasteful-to-me-but-mainstream-ish social and political beliefs, our relationship would look very different.

   2. I”m so sorry. Truth is, people in their 60s are not going to listen to advice from a young person in her 20s. Especially when they are cranky and used to getting their own way. Those people don’t listen to advice at all. As you suspect, there isn’t a lot you can do.

      Does your mom talk with you at all on a personal level — share how she’s feeling? Would she ever acknowledge feeling lonely?

   3. Welcome to what happens when parents get old. Unfortunately this kind of thing (socially inept, politically unaware, racism) is really common. Look at Trump’s supporters!

      They’re adults, they’re not infirm or ill, so you can’t really do anything about it.

      1. Yeah, this is also the story of my dad. It sucks but there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

      2. People romaticize the past when they get older. Ie – no matter how bad it was then, it’s still better than today. I’ve seen it happen to people even in their 40s-50s but certainly by 60-70.

      3. +10000

   4. Since you are seeing a swing in both of their behaviors that altered their lives but not really in a tangible negative way, and they don’t seem to be on drugs, have you thought that this may be the way they have always been, and their jobs just tempered their unpleasant behaviors and views (an outlet to be bossy and repeated exposure to people and ideas outside of their conservative bubble/Fox news)?

      You naturally saw your parents through rose colored glasses, but as we get older, we start seeing our parents as real flawed human beings, and sometimes those human beings are shi**y people, even if they treated you well. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t talk to your Mom about worrisome behaviors or engage her in noncombative conversation about these racist views. But she may not listen, this may just be who she is.

      1. I think this is pretty spot on. I’ve always heard that in your 20s you realize that your parents are just human, and you see all their flaws. But that in your 30s and 40s you start to appreciate them more and value their insight.

         To be honest, I kind of want to dial down my relationship with my parents, but I’m worried that this is just my perspective changing and that when I’m older I will want a closer relationship with them. But to be frank, they suck. They can’t have a conversation without putting others down, and my stepdad is ignorant with a bad temper. Which results in blow ups in public places (like my law school graduation dinner last year where he yelled profanities and stormed off because he disagreed with my brother in law’s comment about the stock market). They are the reason why my boyfriend and I are eloping instead of having a wedding, but I would never tell them that.

         Basically I’m not sure what’s normal aches and pains of a parent-adult child relationship and what’s toxic.

         1. yeah, that would be a big fat nope from me. Look, if you are not reliant on your parent’s for support (which it sounds like you are not), then you do not need to put up with this behavior. They can behave, or they don’t get your time and attention. That is your card. This is the tough love that you either put in now, or you will be still complaining about in 20 more years. You are all adults now, they need to be respectful as well. The switch that happens in your twenties and thirties to your relationship with parents is a hard one to navigate especially if you are the oldest, or an only child with no one to help carve that new path with.

            My parents are generally pretty solid, but yes, occasionally they say things that are pretty tone deaf for current times (Oriental is a rug mom, not a person). But if gently correcting someone with a, hey things have changed and that’s not a term used now, causes them to fly off the handle, that’s not behavior that’s going to change in the future.

         2. I would recommend doing some reading over at Captain Awkward which has a lot of advice on how to decide what’s okay with you, what’s not okay, and how to create boundaries with difficult family members. Your graduation dinner story is definitely alarming. I definitely don’t think you’re the problem here.

   5. Keep in mind, when you are dealing with older folks, you are challenging some world views in a way that tells them everything they did for a long time was wrong. It’s easy when you are 24 to see that confederate statues are wrong and want them taken down. When you are 60, and you went to see the statues as part of your school field trips, spent entire semesters discussing the confederate heroes from your hometown and grew up to take your kids on those same “educational” trips, you are going to be a little defensive when you suddenly hear that was wrong all along.

      I don’t excuse racism, but at the same time, I try to put things in context when dealing with my elderly family members. When my 100 year old grandmother would talk (nicely) about her colored roommate in the nursing home, I’d remember that she was in her 50s when the civil rights movement happened and at least she was using what at one point in time had been considered respectful language. To her, it actually was novel that she was sharing a room with a “colored lady.” She spent more than half of her life living with segregation.

      1. Totally agree, which is why I avoid political discussions and just change the topic when they go on their racist rants. It’s not my place, and I understand that they grew up in a different context. My issue is more that they seem to be making their network smaller and smaller and they keep getting in fights with communities they previously enjoyed being a part of.

         I just hear their stories of disagreements with others and I think–so what? I have coworkers on the reg that are ridiculous and I complain about it to my partner and friends but I don’t try to get the person fired or quit. They seem to view any disagreement as disrespect, and they are 100% willing to cut off any relationship that isn’t totally flattering to them. There’s no cost-benefit analysis of is this overall beneficial to me, do I enjoy this person or community overall. Every little frustration is grounds for escalation to nuclear levels. And I think the only reason why travel is still so enjoyable with them is because everyone they interact with is catering to them as a customer. Is this just part of aging?

         1. NO, that is not part of aging. That is part of being self-centered.

            And you mom is 60. She’s not aged or elderly. She’s just…selfish.

         2. Just beware that if this is how they treat others, to a certain extent it is how they will treat you too. I always thought I was an exception to my parent’s bad behavior, but learned in my 20s that I am not. So I would tread lightly and pick your battles, set your own boundaries.

      2. Putting things in context of using not current language, or someone unfortunately having an ingrained fear of a certain ethnic group. The active hatred, disdain, and calls for harm to people different from you is totally unexcusable no matter the age. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re dumb or are incapable of empathy or understanding new or challenging ideas – don’t let this be an excuse to not call out the terrible views of the people in your life.

      3. I call BS on “be gentle with the old folks” thing. I am going to be 60 this year and for heaven’s sake we were children in the Civil Rights era. It’s not like any of this is or should be news to somebody my age.

         Seriously! It’s not like they’re 90! They know or should know better than this.

         If they were my parents I would totally distance myself from them because they sound pretty awful.

         1. But you’re liberal so you like the changes you see in the world. They’re not so they want things to be how they were – pre me too etc. Is that so hard to fathom?

            1. Yes, actually I still can’t fathom how people exist in the world with literally zero empathy towards people not exactly like themselves. If you seriously think the world was better with slavery, I cannot come up with a way to see that. At all.

            2. Yeah, sorry. It is absolutely completely impossible for me to fathom what the poster above described so well as “active hatred, disdain, and calls for harm to people different from you.” That is not a function of age, it’s a function of them being awful people.

            3. It’s not hard to fathom, but there’s a line. My 95-year-old grandma (RIP) always referred to people of color as “colored,” but treated people with courtesy and respect. Not the hill anyone in my immediate family wanted to die on.

               I can fathom why my 75-year-old father wants to return to a world where white men enjoyed unquestioned supremacy and he could harass women at the grocery store without his libtard daughter flying off the handle and storming out, but that doesn’t make it right.

            4. I’m not liberal. In the least. I’m quite conservative, actually, in ways that would get me shouted down by people on this forum. But I also don’t want things to “be as they were.” There is no way I want to turn back the clock to any supposed “good old days.” Because they weren’t. I am sickened to my stomach by stories of how people who are “different” for whatever reason were treated and are still being treated.

               So these calls for active hatred, etc. are not only not a function of age, they are not a function of disagreeing with a liberal political position.

         2. Yeah, my parents are in their early 70s, and while they remain on the conservative end of moderate in certain respects, their views have evolved with respect to social issues. When I was in high school, my dad was fairly uncomfortable with LGBT people and held some views I found really upsetting (conflating being LGBT with child molestation, for example). His views have changed over the last 20 years, and now my parents not only personally support and affirm our LGBT family members and friends – they have been actively engaged in advocacy to try to shut down anti-LGBT legislation in our state. My father will also tell you that he grew up using the N-word. He recently marched in a BLM protest.

            Significantly, while they were on a long personal journey in terms of their beliefs, all of their shift to activism (i.e., not just being concerned about police brutality, but actually becoming involved in advocacy) has come in the last 5 years. They weren’t this way when I was growing up – they’ve just never stopped learning, thinking, and questioning.

   6. When retirees have too much time on their hands, they can go down rabbit holes and get worked up about things that the rest of us just don’t have time to bother with. I do think the fact that your parents have been kicked out of numerous groups lately is troubling…but they’re adults. And this new transition in life means your mom needs to 1) unlearn how to be the CEO and learn how to 2) stop using all her free time to focus on others and 3) play well with others without a veil of authority.

      As a retiree, my mom decided to get VERY involved with local politics – she became for a while the nosy neighbor/tattletale of the entire town – “Mrs. Smith on Dogwood Lane left her trashcan out overnight!” “Mr. Jones’ dog barked at 2 am – call the police for disturbance!” She had her feelings hurt a number of times, because in her way, she was just trying to make the town a better place – but other autonomous adults didn’t see it that way. When she’d tell me about the times she’d have run-ins with other citizens, I’d tell her, “Mom, maybe they don’t feel that way. You can really only control yourself. Leave others be and focus on your own home.” But yes, in many ways, I’ve had to let it go.

      And my mom has become a Trump supporter. I just gently counter her statements with things in her life that disprove what she’s just said. “Mom, don’t you remember [your gay friend who moved to Florida]?” “Mom, we’re immigrants, too – we just got here before there were quotas. Don’t you remember that Great Aunt Name spoke German until before the War?” But I don’t get worked up – that doesn’t do any good. Good luck!

      1. This is incredibly true. My dad essentially retired about 3 years ago and bless his heart, he’s gone totally off the rails on conspiracy theories. Before the election, he bought an obscene amount of ammunition because he was certain that if Clinton won, she would take all the guns. He spends far too many hours watching Youtube. I had to convince my mom to convince him Info Wars is not really news.

         This is the same man who voted a straight D ticket almost my entire life. Age is a funny thing.

   7. It sounds like your parents have turned into a-holes and are being shunned. Shunning has been polite society’s way of dealing with a-holes for a long time. Maybe your parents will learn something. You’re never too old to change your ways – indeed, it sounds like they’ve changed their ways in the wrong direction. Maybe this will correct them. But it is not your problem to solve for them.

   8. I realize it’s heresy on this board but people do get more conservative with age as they long for how things used to be. I’m 38 and can’t stand how little effort certain immigrant groups are putting into learning English. If they don’t learn in the next 20 years – which is quite likely with these types – fairly sure I’ll be saying they don’t belong.

      1. Nice.

      2. I hope I’m not like you when I’m 38.

         1. I’m going to be 38 in a few months. I do not feel this way.

            1. I am 38 and I do not feel this way AT ALL. In fact, I’d like to learn Spanish.

      3. “These types.” It doesn’t sound as though you know a whole lot about how quickly previous generations of immigrants learned English.

         1. I know plenty, thanks. So they spoke Dutch or Hindi or whatever exclusively, great. You know what they didn’t do? They didn’t go every place expecting to be accommodated — there was no push 2 for Dutch so either they learned or the English speaking people in their family handled their business. They didn’t show up places going on in Dutch or Mandarin and expecting customer service workers to figure out how to accommodate. And you know what else — they also didn’t work customer service jobs where they’d automatically speak to customers in their language and then give you an annoyed look if they had to use their brains to switch to English when you told them you didn’t speak Swahili. Happens daily now with Spanish in big cities. Conservatives aren’t wrong on everything. Either assimilate in public or don’t live here. No one is saying you can’t keep your culture at home.

            1. “expecting customer service workers to figure out how to accommodate”? When, specifically, have you ever witnessed this happen? Also, how do you know what a person expects if you can’t read minds? I’ve lived in NYC, LA, Chicago, and DC and never seen this happen. And I speak Spanish so I’d understand it.

               I’m so sorry your life has been so hard hearing other languages. You are like a right-handed person being angry that there are lefty-desks in the lecture hall to accommodate for other people if they need it.

               Shame on you.

            2. Lol, wasn’t there a proposal in the Revolutionary war days to make German the official language? I mean, there have always been immigrants to the US who spoke little to no English, and still tried to work and buy things at stores and otherwise, you know, make a life here. But I know a lot of immigrants from many different countries, and they all have made an effort to learn some English. I wonder if the “annoyed look” you are perceiving from some people has more to do with reflecting your own attitude towards them than the actual need to speak English.

            3. and seriously, most Americans that go abroad, including myself, try to get by in English. The citizens are more than happy to try to accommodate me. I have never seen the reverse happen in the U.S.

            4. I’m not the person who said this and I agree “these types” is super racist language, but I used to live in the Bay Area and it was frustrating that I was sometimes not able to communicate with people without using Spanish. I think it’s great that the US is a melting pot and I have no problem with someone speaking their own language with other members of their community or raising their kids bilingual at home or whatever, but I do think it’s frustrating when you are living in the United States and you can’t communicate with people using English. And I’m not talking about at a Latin American restaurant or something, where I would expect that waiters might not have great English. I mean, I’d go to Walmart and I’d have to ask four people “Where is the X item” before I found someone who spoke English well enough to understand me and give me directions. Now I live in the Midwest and I know quite a few native Spanish speakers but they all have good English because they have to.

      4. I’m not the anonymous at 11:41, and agree with the issue spotted above re “these types” but sometimes I wonder about this …. we’re not the only country with people who get in a huff over people not speaking the language. I guess I’m specifically thinking of France, but maybe there are others? But I don’t really think of French people insisting I try to speak French as some kind of monster. Is it different? This is a sincere question. Please help me understand.

         1. Agreed. I’ve run into plenty of French salespeople who look annoyed that you speak English and will NOT accommodate you even though they speak it too. Yet I’m left thinking – oh a fancy French shop that’s how it is. Yet expecting people here to speak English and esp if they work in customer service is so awful?

         2. A couple of points – (1) the US does not have a national language; France does and spent a lot of time on an “official” French language required by the king. (2) It would be rude to walk up to anyone (no matter the country) on the street and expect that they would speak your non-native language.

            But I challenge you- has this *ever* happened to you, really? I speak Spanish and could pass for Latina but I am not. I have lived in 4 major US cities, have worked in customer-facing roles, and have never had anyone expect that I would speak Spanish or whatever language they speak. If it has happened to you, was it more than once? And did it really feel like you were accosted just to hear another language? I prefer not to hear heavy metal music but it isn’t a problem for me that others listen to it.

            1. Actually, when I visit south Florida, I am always approached by salespeople who address me in Spanish first. I’m not Latina, and I speak Spanish so I can answer, but over the last 3 trips I’ve made there, I have not once been addressed first in English at the 3 shopping malls (including the Apple store and a Nordstrom). It kind of became an amusing thing I laughed about with my husband – it was in every.single.store.

               I don’t mind, honestly, and sometimes the salespeople let me practice my Spanish when I attempt to answer which was fun, but yeah, in Florida at least (multiple locations) it’s a common thing. I’ve also been addressed first in Spanish in a couple of places in Northern Virginia. Happened sometimes in LA too, but only in parts of the city.

            2. I don’t look Latina at all (pale with freckles) and I have interacted with customer service people in Spanish in Miami, LA and San Jose. I think these cities have a critical mass of Spanish speakers so there is little incentive to learn English and people can and do get jobs at McDonald’s, Target, etc with really inadequate English skills. I appreciate other cultures but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to know Spanish to conduct business in the US and in some places here you really do.

         3. In many parts of the US people spoke various other languages before English was ever spoken, so our polyglot history is very different from France, where they’ve been speaking French for a thousand years. I think, as with many parts of life, giving people the benefit of the doubt in our interactions with them leaves us all better off. And for people who are very concerned about immigrants speaking English in America, there are many ESL classes that I’m sure would welcome your support.

            1. This.

               Some parts of the US have been speaking Spanish since long before they became part of the US. There they speak Spanish for pretty much the same reason you speak English.

         4. I do wonder where people see this, ‘expect to be accommodated’… it seems like Fox News or whatever would be all over an interaction that was approximately the opposite of that awful NYC lawyer: someone yelling in Spanish that people at a restaurant should speak Spanish to accommodate them. I’ve never seen or heard of that.

            Yes, I see multilingual printed materials and hear customer service people speaking multiple languages, but that seems to me to be a decision made by a business to make their customers comfortable — and it’s a bit strange to me that the assumption is that it is in response to a ‘demand’, or that it’s seen to impinge on English speakers. Shades of ‘War on Christmas’ eh?

      5. Oh my dear Lord. It’s not your age — you’re just kind of awful.

         1. As a 45 year old, I completely cosign the above.

            1. I’m 47 and I cosign this.

            2. Almost 41. Also co-sign.
               I lived most of my life in a state where half the population spoke Spanish either exclusively or as a first language, with English as their second language. Miraculously, no one’s ears were burned off or eyes gouged out because they heard or read things in two languages. From someone who is your elder: grow the f up.

         2. It’s not awful just because someone disagrees with you. Awful would be saying they don’t need to speak their language or know their culture at all because they’re in America. Saying people can live how they choose at home and it’s just when interacting with others that English is expected is not exactly the worst idea in the world.

      6. How many languages have you learned as an adult?

         1. 0 as an adult, 2 as a kid. But guess what I also didn’t choose to move someplace where I don’t speak the dominant language and then sit there expecting everyone to accommodate.

            1. But where does this happen? Can you give an example? Or is it possible that you are just mad that people ARE accommodated as part of a (smart, imho) business strategy to make things easier for customers from many different backgrounds? Like maybe you’d prefer that certain people always had a harder time because …???

            2. Went to a shoe store in Orlando. Go to check out and lady starts talking at me in Spanish. I give her look and say sorry I don’t speak it, she TGEN switches to English.

               Had to go thru the line at Penn Station for a ticket change. Lady in front of me walks up to the desk and goes on in Spanish – clerk doesn’t speak it or not well enough to figure out her problems. Runs off looking for someone to help holding up the line for others needing to catch a train.

               I don’t believe that none of you have had these things happen. You just choose not to notice because you’re so interested in these people feeling 1000% comfortable at all times.

            3. OMG, 2:24, it happens all the time to me. Like every minute I’m in the Miami airport. I view it as totally NORMAL and a chance to practice language skills. And I find people will switch to English if I need them to. I absolutely don’t let it bother me. You suck. Learn to travel and love life.

            4. Aaaah 2:24, I *have* had those types of experiences. It would just never occur to me to be offended by them because I don’t think I’m more deserving of change in the line at Penn Station than the person who got there before me. (:

            5. It keeps deleting my name. 3:33 was me!

            6. Eventually I’ll stop commenting on this but also… Why does it bother you that someone started out speaking to you in the wrong language and then switched to your native language? Why is that offensive or upsetting?

            7. Lol at some kind of hardship for being greeted in Spanish at a shoe store? Snowflake 101?

               Double lol for getting annoyed to LIRR clerk ran off to get someone to speak Spanish. Guarantee that was quicker than trying to change the ticket from peak to off peak and anyway that’s on you if you expect prompt service for the gd lirr.

               Really these things bother you? Theses are the slightest inconveniences. Get over it!

      7. Shame on you.

         1. Why? Really please explain?

            1. Because an adult should be ashamed to stereotype so blindly and rudely.

      8. 37 year old cosigning not only how AWFUL you are as a human, but also that you have no taste. Language diversity is beautiful. I love being exposed to it. I would welcome gladly an America where multiple languages are spoken.

         1. +a million

         2. LOL @ “you have no taste”…so good, so true.

      9. Meanwhile in Canada…or meanwhile here in Montreal, we use two languages with no real issues. Service staff start with French and if it doesn’t work, they switch to English. No one bats an eyelash. People communicate. Stuff gets done.

         Also, humans learn whatever languages they need to achieve their ends. If immigrants don’t speak English, it’s because they don’t need to or want to. If Americans overseas can’t speak anything but English, it’s because they don’t need to speak the local language. It’s that simple.

         Create an inclusive society and newcomers will want to participate and will learn the languages they need to do si.

   9. It’s hard for me to hear people in my life voicing these outlooks. I try to approach older people in my family with as much kindness and compassion as I can. I’ll never, ever share their opinions, but I probably take after them to some degree, and hopefully I can do better if I can be honest with myself.

      I’m personally okay with being honest with them (“it hurts me when you say that because I…”), but I make it about my relationship with them. I’m not sure I recommend this, since sometimes this is when you learn that they are super okay with that! I know people are saying “they are adults,” but to me it often feels like they’re being childishly passive aggressive, and I wish I understood that better.

   10. I note another commentator said “Nothing you’ve said suggests dementia” but I think it’s something that may warrant a check with a MD. The shift in attitude is particularly telling, check out some of the early onset symptoms and maybe it’ll make sense to you. I’ve seen this all too frequently with people even younger than your mother. It may be that or it may be some sort of other problem between the two of them that’s causing the unhappiness that’s spilling into all their thinking.

       Also, how awesome is it that she was 44 when she had you! Hope!

       1. 34. Math fail!

       2. I agree with this. My grandmother had dementia, and we found out once she got diagnosed that one of the early symptoms of dementia is a personality change. We also found out that a lot of times people with dementia realize there is something wrong before other people do. Just for some perspective, my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia when she was about 80 and passed away when she was about 83, but these “early symptoms” started manifesting when she was in her mid-60s.

          My grandparents moved from Southern California to be close to my mom in a Southern mid-size city. This was a completely logical decision, but when they moved, they did not tell any of their friends and essentially cut off all contact with them. We believe that my grandmother knew something was up with her health and didn’t want anyone to know– so she basically began to isolate herself. My grandmother also started being really social and started seeking out a bunch of shallow “friendships” with baristas, waitresses, etc. She did not make any real friends once she moved. Earlier in her life, my grandmother had been very quiet and had a few close friends and was not really one to make small talk with strangers. So, again, this was a complete personality change and was kind of another way of isolating herself with her illness.

          So, what you’re describing with your parents really could be early on-set symptoms of something else. It could also just be age. I would maybe not send your parents to a neurologist right away, but what you’re saying does raise some red flags to me.

       3. +1 Paranoia can be a medical symptom (and can lead to hostile, suspicious behavior and beliefs).

8. Posting again in the hopes of a few more responses! Thanks for those who chimed in yesterday.

   Best things to do in Philly with young kids (ages 3 and 5) this weekend? Others mentioned the Zoo and the Please Touch museum, which sound great. Other ideas? We already did the Franklin Institute. Are there any fun festivals or events this weekend?

   1. Camden Aquarium is just across the river and would be great for kids.

      The 4th of July is Philly’s big holiday. Check phillymag.com for any festivals and events that might be happening this weekend.

      1. I believe Sail Philadelphia is happening this weekend. Could be fun to sail on a tall ship (or at least see them) and finish with some ice cream from Franklin Fountain.

      2. Uwishunu.com is also a great resource for local events.

         1. Yes! I check Uwishunu every weekend for ideas on things to do. Chinese Lantern Festival is another idea, although I don’t know how kid-friendly it is? Spruce Street Harbor Park is AMAZING (but may be crowded), Blue Cross Riverrink Summerfest is also nice and near the Harbor Park.

            If you go to the Camden Aquarium, which is very good and not overwhelming like some aquariums, you can check out the Battleship NJ. There’s a cheap ferry that runs between the Philly riverfront and the Camden Aquarium area.

         2. Thanks for the rec for Uwishunu :)

   2. What do you like to do with your kids in your own city? I think people are throwing out child-friendly tourist attractions, but I know I’d rather wander around a cool neighborhood, stop at a playground and eat good food with my kiddos. It looks like the tall ships are in Philly this weekend, so that could be cool to see and could be combined with a walk around Old City/the historic sites.

   3. The Smith Memorial Playhouse & Playground is a ton of fun. Only children 5 and under are allowed in the playhouse so they can freely play and the playground has a fantastic giant slide.

   4. Not sure if you’ll see this but there’s a rotating beer garden called Parks on Tap at FDR Park throughout the weekend. Kid friendly and lots of outside fun!

9. Why am I in moderation?

   Best things to do in Philly with young kids (3 and 5) this weekend? Thanks to those who responded yesterday about the Zoo and the Please Touch museum. What else?

   1. isn’t that enough between meals and naps and general exploring?

10. If you were a first generation law student with a back ground that is rural small town / basic State U / sole law school in the state, what would be helpful to know going into your first year? If it matters: guy, not sure how much of a reader he is. Bilingual.

    I was sort of this, but both of my parents had gone to college (state U) and I lived for a time in a major city, so I sort of understood city jobs. And I was a very avid reader, so I had an exposure to a wider world than what I saw every day and I was exposed to a lot of preppies, so I could easily pass for non-first generation.

    This is a distant connection to me but an important and long-term friend of a step-relative and I may be the only lawyer he knows and I truly want to offer to be (and actually be) a good mentor, if for no other reason than it would be very devastating financially for him to get into a lot of school debt and have things not quite work out.

    We hire from his law school as it is regional to us, but only interview the top 5%, so I’m not sure where the other 95% go. [FWIW, I was in the middle of my T25 law school but somehow am a BigLaw Equity Partner.] At schools like this, it seems like the kids with HYP undergrad degrees do very well and/or outperform relative to kids from non-flagship State U undergrads (but there are always outliers).

    It is too late to tell him not to go. So far, the only advice I’ve given is that debt is really, really bad and he should apply at least weekly for scholarships and I’ve helped him with his resume (which has some really great things highlighted on it).

    1. If it is the sole law school in the state, presumably many employers in the state hire from the the other 95% of this school. You are in Big Law, which is exceptionally snobby about grades and school name. I’m sure there are lots of jobs at small/medium firms and state government for those who do well but not outstandingly at this school. I understand you’re coming from a good place but I think you’re borrowing trouble. Tell him he can come to you with questions or if he feels overwhelmed at school but I wouldn’t go heaping advice on him. Fwiw I think the first generation thing matters more socially than academically and probably doesn’t have much relevance to his ability to get a job and pay off his debt.

       1. Just chiming in to disagree with you on this point: “I think the first generation thing matters more socially than academically and probably doesn’t have much relevance to his ability to get a job and pay off his debt.”

          There are so many things about law school that are foreign to those of us who are outsiders–things like clerkships, first year grades mattering A LOT, journal, the importance of networking with professors…I could go on and on. There are a lot of nuances in law school that are invaluable, that can be very hard to figure out if you’re the first person in your family to go to law school.

    2. Does he need help? Has he asked for help? Because “first generation law student” + “basic state univ” + “small town” = yeah, basically everybody in my entire law school…every year since the law school opened in 1854. We didn’t require anymore “help” than any other first year – how to outline, which hornbooks to buy, etc. As for our jobs, we do the jobs that make society function – state agencies, small town practitioners, state courts. Please don’t assume he needs a mentor for the reasons you’ve mentioned.

       1. Help may not be the right word, but in retrospect I wish I had talked to more lawyers when I was in undergrad and as I was in law school. It’s a steep curve figuring out things. I was in an explorer scouts program on law but we just met a lot of prosecutors / public defenders / going-to-court lawyers and I had no idea about transactional law at all beyond knowing that lawyers draft wills. Since I had signed my own apartment lease, I was really shocked to learn that businesses hire lawyers to negotiate leases.

    3. Also agree that youre borrowing trouble. Has he even applied yet? If not I would recommend he just apply to as many places as possible and THEN see what happens, rather than worry now. If he doesnt get into a T14 etc school then he needs to go to the next best school. I have friends that went to state and non T14 schools and are doing well for themselves (many work in public interest law, for the DA, etc. so maybe its not common in Big Law).

       Also what type of law does he want to practice? That should also be a big factor.

       1. Honestly, I don’t think that he really knows what is out there other than I think he has an idea of what JAGC lawyers may do (but I know what they really do, which is some UCMJ stuff but also potentially a lot of other things, like updating wills, and helping with a million potential different things). He’s a good kid, but much greener than I was (I did law explorer scouts in high school and watched every TV lawyer show, so it was half helpful and half wildly unhelpful).

          I’m in a field that most of my firm has a vague awareness of, which no law school classes really teach (tax? securities regulation? real estate?), and as an interviewing 1L (litigation! it’s what all our classes are in!) and 2L (corporate! whatever that means! or litigation!), it may have been clear that I had no idea (OMG I will do anything for six figures b/c LOANS, please don’t scream at me too much).

          1. I’m anon at 10:39. Again, I think you’re coming from a good place, but there’s nothing here that he really needs help with. (Side note: “law explorer scouts” are a thing?) Three of my classmates had parents who were lawyers. Did they have an advantage in 1L because they had some clue what the heck Civ Pro was about? Sure. Are their lives now, years after graduation, better than the rest of ours? No. Like someone said the other day, the only people who care about BigLaw are BigLaw. The rest of the universe truly does not care. And if he’s going to a state law school, he’ll probably stay in his state and get a regular law job like thousands of law school graduates every year.

             And I’m confused by your second paragraph, but yes, my school had extensive offerings in tax, securities and real estate.

             1. I will give you an example: a girl in my class was brilliant — top of her class, law review, etc. She had really, really bad skin (not sure what you could do to help with that), was very short (so she looked very, very young, like she had gotten lost from a middle school field trip), and had no idea how to dress. She went to her first interview in a flowy church-type dress and a hat you’d wear to the Derby. No one ever pulled her aside, to my knowledge, and helped her. And she had so much potential but nothing to help show that to employers.

                Make sure that this young man has a decent suit, shirt, tie, belt, socks, and shoes. He will need that by his 1L spring (over winter break) when he is trying to line up 1L summer jobs. He may not know what a good interview outfit is or where to shop for it.

             2. Completely agree with Anonymous at 11:26 am.

                I don’t think the OP was asking for help in how to outline and such. A lot of it is the culture of law – what employers look for, what types of jobs he can expect, etc.

                My advice: take him out for coffee; have him meet you at your office and walk from there. Then, talk about how your firm hires from his school (because a lot of young people think “lawyer = rich” without considering that it’s only a subset of attorneys). Be very clear that it does not even do first-round interviews with kids who aren’t in the top 5% and on Law Review. Talk about whether or not it makes sense for him to work in law school (i.e., strongly advise him to not work 1L year). Discuss professional norms in hiring: boring suits, discussion of what he should talk about in interviews, how the hiring process differs among different employers. Give him your card, tell him to keep in touch, and check in throughout his 1L year.

    4. Give him facts but do not tell him whether he should go to law school. I mean I tell friends all the time DON’T DO IT sort of jokingly, but he’s not looking to you as a friend, he’s looking to you as a mentor. You have a perspective that he does not. And there are also many other people who have perspectives that YOU do not. Do you have contacts in your region in other areas of law? Could you offer to introduce him?

       Basically, I would view your role as providing him access to as much information as you can to help him to make an informed decision. Not to guide him to make the “right” decision (according to you).

    5. 1. Your first year’s grades matter so much more than you can ever imagine.
       2. You’re supposed to find a job for your post-1L summer before the end of your first year and your post-2L summer before/at the start of the 2L year and most likely that will be the job you have after law school . Oh and you’re supposed to – ideally, again – find that before you graduate too.
       3. Work on building your network early and often. Go to professor office hours, do practice interviews, call up alums for informational interviews. People are happy to talk to you when you’re a law student, not as much when you’re a struggling grad. Also, if you like a professor, take his/her other classes. At some point you’ll need reference letters and it will be easier to get good ones from a professor who has lots of exposure to you.
       4. To the extent you can, take practical skills course and internships as much as you can. This will expand your network and help you academically (much easier to understand concepts like hearsay if you spend some time in an actual courtroom).

       1. Thanks — this is helpful (and hasn’t changed since I was a 1L).

          Things now that we didn’t have are things like public service loan forgiveness (and which jobs are in/out — I believe that he’d consider JAGC but may not have factored in any loan forgiveness into this and other public sector jobs) and how staggeringly more expensive it is. Having a good first semester is still the most important thing you can do (and have a good study group).

          I agree that everything sorts itself out so quickly in law school. I sometimes go to his school’s city and will try to make sure that I invite him to dinner when I’m there.

          1. You may also want to stress how competitive the public service law jobs are. I think a lot of people went in with the attitude of “well, I can always be a D.A. or legal aid,” but you really cant in most places. At least not where I am. And for a lot of the more competitive public sector jobs you really need to go the extra mile, both in terms of credentials and demonstrating your interest so if this is something he wants to do, definitely good to get involved early.

          2. Yes–I was going to chime in and say a business lunch/dinner may be more helpful than coffee–it’s the social/cultural capital softskills that I think may be harder than the academics if you’re first gen.

       2. I would second all of this advice, and really encourage him to start thinking about what he wants to practice. I didn’t know any attorneys before starting law school, and didn’t realize the huge numbers of different things you can specialize in.

    6. I think you can best help him by
       1) looking at his grades from undergrad so see if he even has the work ethic to do good in law school – and to be honest with him about if you think his study skills and work ethic based on grades makes it a good fit for him, especially given how academic the legal profession is in terms of having to read and do outside work to stay current on laws, case law, and legal practice and management. I don’t think LSAT outcomes have much correlation to how well he will do in law school or as a lawyer (often based on how well you prepared for the specific test, but the undergrad trend in grades do.
       2) helping him with strategies for success in law school. It is hard to get a job in big law, it is not hard to be a moderately successful lawyer if you do well in law school, especially the only one in the state. I would have bombed had I not joined an organization in law school that explicitly gave strategies for studying, taking notes, preparing for the exams steadily over months, not days, and provided outlines and tips for certain professors,
       3) helping him to understand what to expect in terms of legal culture, which is definitely A THING if your background is more blue collar or not upper to upper middle class professional.

    7. What’s to know? Top of class at least top 5% and law review are the goals. What else does he need to know besides do what you can to make those 2 things happen.

    8. I am a current law student; both of my parents are lawyers. A few things I’ve noted over the past 2 years where I seem to have an advantage over classmates: knowing what to wear to an interview; knowing how to reach out to lawyers for networking and knowing what to talk about and what not to talk about at networking events/coffees; a better sense of how to build relationships with professors and the importance of doing so; understanding just.how.important 1L grades are and a lot of those other prestige markers like law review, etc.; having a better sense of the range of employment options that are out there and which ones I might be interested in, and ways to find out more information to help me in my decision-making process; navigating post-grad stuff like clerkships.

       Basically, I think he will be in as good a position as any of his peers on the substantive academics, but understanding the unspoken rules of legal culture I think has a huge impact on how well you are able to navigate job searches etc. (that is, all else being equal in terms of grades/resume, the subtleties seem to matter a lot in terms of hiring), and in how satisfied you are with your decisions. If he is open to that kind of advice from you, it will probably go a long way.

11. I have a potluck for a class coming up and I need help. It’s in the afternoon on a day where we have two exams that morning (one is for the class, the other is a national standardized test). I take the train so I don’t want to haul a Crock-Pot. Other students are providing a huge cake so dessert is out.

    The redeeming feature here is that there is a Trader Joe’s a block from school. I can use the community microwave and fridge (but space will be limited). Help!

    1. Roasted vegetables that can be served room temperature.

    2. Chips and dip? Especially if TJ’s has 5-layer bean dip, which I’m pretty sure all humans love

    3. Cornbread. You can buy it / make it beforehand and keep it in your freezer. I’d remove it from the freezer the night before, put it in your fridge, and then bring it to school the following day.

    4. Go to Trader Joes and get a meat & cheese plate (or make your own), or get the spinach & kale dip with crackers and carrots. If you have more time & a knife, grab cherry tomatoes, chop them up, with torn fresh basil and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar (all can be bought there). Get their mini crostini to serve it alongside the salad.

    5. Utilize the Trader Joe’s and take the easy way out since you’re busy: veggies and dip, cheese and crackers, anything pre-prepared.

    6. Nothing! Bring nothing! I hereby free you from the onus of contributing to the potluck!

       1. Or offer to bring the paper plates and napkins and plastic forks.

          1. Or offer to bring the paper plates and napkins and plastic forks.

       2. I don’t usually do potlucks so normally I agree. They are dumb and this one is incredibly inconvenient. This class though…there are 10 “participation” points with vague requirements worth 10% of the grade. I am not going to risk it when 35% (exam 1 is 20% and exam 2 is 15%) of the final grade is already at stake.

    7. Can you volunteer to bring soda/ice/tea/cups?

    8. Thanks! I think I am going to do chips and dip. It was my first thought last night and it looks like that is the easiest way through this mess of a day.

12. This jacket looks gorgeous, but why are the sleeves so long? Is that the style now?

    1. I thought the same thing–and you know that model weighs 100 pounds and has LONG arms and legs. So if that is how the arm length on a small size looks … ?

    2. I thought the same thing. “If I bought that, I’d have to have the sleeves tailored immediately.” Pass.

13. Today I am wearing the Eileen Fisher magic pants, an untucked silk button-down blouse, and the MM LaFleur jardigan. I kind of feel like I should have brought my dog to work so we could have just lounged in my office together all day.

    1. I’m jealous. I so want to love those pants, but I can’t get them to work for me.

14. I was on the phone with a best friend from college who has been in her first long term relationship the other night and told her about my latest romantic failure – an online date I had been seeing who turned out to be a dud, and that I am turning 30 but have always been single. Instead of giving me suggestions like she does in other areas of our lives, she laughed so hard I could hear the glee in her voice. Before she got into this relationship, we were in the same boat and would share tips and encouragements. Now that she may be getting married to this guy, she not only does not seem to give me any encouragement but seems to take pleasure in hearing about my bad dating stories. I have always been the “pretty one” but I’ve always tried to set her up with my male friends, whereas she had never tried to do the same for me. We moved to different cities about five years ago but still tall on the phone regularly and give advice to each other. However, I am finding this friendship to be increasingly one-sided now that she has found her future husband. She only calls me when she needs career or work advice or needs to vent about something that might make her look petty. It really stung when I was sharing with her some really depressing thoughts only to hear her glee at my romantic failures. I’ve recently moved to NYC so I haven’t accumulated a lot of good friend here yet. But going forward I don’t think I want to talk to her that frequently anymore, and certainly never again about my romantic life. She has been sensing my withdrawal from her and has been texting me more often. Should I point out to her that I did not appreciate her taking pleasure from my failures of just do a slow fade out from contacting her? I understand losing friends as we age is a natural process, how have you dealt with this as you aged and remained single but your friends who used to share your dating frustrations can no longer emphasize now that they are in a relationship?

    1. Just a thought: could she, because she’s in a good place, just find humor in things and, because things are going poorly for you right now, you are just more sensitive to it? So many bad dating stories are funny…often not right when they happen to you, but they can be when you look at them. I think this might be a question of sensitivity. She’s texting you, so she still wants to be friends. Just tell her you feel sensitive about the dating situation. If she’s a good friend, she’ll temper her responses.

    2. Tell her she hurt your feelings. And then maybe also distance yourself from her if you want to. But I see no point in hiding that you were hurt.

    3. Yes, please tell her! I’ve had this problem with my friends in various contexts. I have one friend who I thought wanted feedback but it turns out she just wanted to vent so my feedback just felt like I was criticizing her and I had no idea. Another friend who wanted to laugh about her various romantic troubles and apparently my sincere advice just made her feel like I felt bad/worried for her (so the opposite of your situation). As we get older and our lives take different turns and we can’t spend as much time together, it’s so easy to miss each other’s signals. Your friends are not mind readers! I recently got mad at a very good friend because she didn’t say anything to me about my going back to work after my maternity leave but when I mentioned it she just asked me why I never told her I was going back or that this was something I was worried about. Maybe she should have remembered that I was only taking 12 weeks and known when that would end but it’s not something I am going to hold a grudge over because I know that had I said something she would have been there for me about it. Your friend is reaching out to you because she is sensitive enough to feel you pulling away. That sounds like a good friend to me. Talk to her.

       1. Wow that’s not something to be mad about. Your friends don’t have to track your maternity leave.

          1. No, they don’t. But it’s pretty standard among my close friends to ask when you’re going back to work and to then follow up about that transition. I generally know approximately when various friends are coming back and check in on them before/after. I have other friends who had done the same for me. But as I said, I am not going to make an issue of it with this friend and even though it was a wee bit hurtful at the time I have moved on.

          2. Yeah I generally find your comments to have really good advice AIMS, but it seems very middle school-ish to get your nose out of joint that a friend didn’t remember the end date of your maternity leave. I would never expect a friend to know that on her own (and my three best friends and I all had first babies the same year so there was a LOT of sharing and advice-giving about pregnancy/birth/parenthood — I would expect friends who aren’t moms to be significantly less amenable to talking babies all the time). Of course if you tell a friend that you’re back at work she should ask how it’s going and provide a shoulder to cry on if you want to vent about how hard it’s been. But remembering the date on her own seems like a REALLY big ask.

       2. “As we get older and our lives take different turns and we can’t spend as much time together, it’s so easy to miss each other’s signals.”

          Yes, especially over the phone! Please tell her you’re upset. :)

    4. So I definitely share stories about my terrible dates expressly for the purpose of laughing about them. I think that’s pretty common. Maybe your friend missed the social queues that you were actually sad about this and not wanting to share a good laugh? It’s so easy to do when you’re talking on the phone. I’m trying my best to presume best intentions here.

       If this friendship isn’t meeting your needs then you’re totally within your rights to distance yourself. But if this friendship is important to you then it’s worth telling her that you’re pretty discouraged about dating and you’d appreciate her not joking about it or acting like this is fun for you.

    5. I can’t imagine not saying in the moment “wait are you seriously laughing at me? What’s the deal that’s mean.” I would absolutely say now, by phone, “Hey that was really hurtful.” Even if you wind up ending the friendship still good practice

    6. Tell her what you want from her re: romantic adventures. I will just throw out there that she may be concerned about coming across as a smug married if she gives advice to you now.

    7. You sound like you’re hardcore projecting onto this friend. “Glee” in her voice, really? She was probably laughing because terrible dates are often hilarious in retrospect, but you weren’t at the point of being able to laugh about it with her, so it felt like she was laughing at you. I’d take a hard look at your own insecurities and how they’re affecting your judgement before intentionally dropping a long term friend that has otherwise been trustworthy and good to you.

       1. + a million. And, another million vomit emojis at your note that you’ve “always been the pretty one.” Sounds like in addition to projecting, you feel that you deserve what she has found more than her because, ya know, you’re “the pretty one”

          1. +1

             Exactly

             Posters here are being extremely generous….

    8. Bad dating stories ARE funny.

       Trust me, I’ve been there and I know dating and being alone can be difficult when you’re not in a situation you want to be. Really though, unless it’s abusive, there’s a lot to laugh at.

       Sounds to me that since you’ve ‘always been the pretty one’ and such, you are harbouring some resentment towards her especially now that she’s in a ‘better’ place than you. Time to talk it out with a pro, IMO.

    9. I had a similar situation with a good friend – for a while after she got engaged she treated my dating life as if it was completely foreign and unimaginable to her. It hurt a lot, and I did distance myself from her for a while, but over time we’ve each become more confident in our own choices, and are now closer than ever. Just like you’re in an uncomfortable place, re: dating, being at the beginning of a lifelong commitment the way that your friend is can also be scary. We’ve also switched from a friendship based on advice-giving to one based on empathy, support, and encouragement, and that has helped so so much. Good luck!

    10. Definitely tell her you’re upset. It is not fun to be on the other side and find out 3 years later why a good friend pulled away.

        It is really, really hard to be close with someone who is in a different stage of life. Add distance and it’s almost impossible. I don’t want to say let it go, because there might be a place for her in your life, but you’ll be happier if you focus on new relationships with more similar people.

15. I read that the Dept of the Interior is looking at making certain currently outlawed hunting practices legal again. Apparently they are already legal/acceptable in Alaska??? Baiting bears, shooting caribou from boats, killing wolfs IN their dens. I saw where you can comment on this online (regulations.gov) but I don’t know what to say. Is this something where calling congressmen will make a difference? Honestly I don’t know how some people grow up with zero empathy but especially this administration.

    1. Yeah it’s horrible. Cruelty aside, I don’t understand how baiting bears with food is allowed in National Parks, because it encourages bears to get close to people in hopes of getting food. National Parks in the lower 48 are all super vigilant about keeping food away from bears so they don’t think tourist = food. Keep wildlife wild and all that.

    2. Do you have a pet bear or wolf in Alaska? No? Ok then it doesn’t matter.

       1. What did the universe do to you to make you such a terrible person?

          1. I think her point is that people who know nothing about hunting or living in those areas complain because things “sound mean,” not because they are inherently bad. Or they don’t understand that there are things that are actually bad, but the alternative (ex., massive overpopulation of predators) is worse.

             1. Ok but those methods are not for population control or “sport.”

       2. 11:49? I think you might want to go back to high school logic class.

          I know Alaskans that hike into the tundra to hunt, butcher their own kill, pack the meat on their backs and hike it out. And I’ve heard stories of rich kids that sign up for tourism hunting, which is what OP described. There are lots of reasons to be offended by tourism hunting.

          1. +1

    3. Write a comment on the proposed reg. It can be short, but the Dept has to read it and tally it.

       Because this is an executive branch thing, Congress can’t do anything about it [quickly…and is very unlikely to in the current environment anyways]. Congress could repeal it later, but that’s difficult. It’s more likely that this will go on until the administration flips and the new SecInt changes the rules back. (So…at least it’s only for a couple years?? [hopefully.] Eek, but that’s how you have to look at so many things.)

       1. Do you have more info about how to comment?

          1. On the gray left hand margin, there’s a little speech button icon (second icon under the menu icon). There ya go! https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2018/05/22/2018-10735/alaska-hunting-and-trapping-in-national-preserves

    4. You can read other comments to get a sense of what people are saying. It looks like there is a form comment people are using who are opposed. I’m going to do it. How absolutely awful. I feel like this is an administration that is just run by d*cks and the only guiding philosophy is how to be the biggest d*ck possible. Hmm, maybe we can kill hibernating cubs. Yes, let’s!

16. Found out today that I need to get my wisdom teeth out. I’m 23, three of them have erupted and need to come out and the fourth one can stay where it is. Tips for recovery? I’ll be taking off work for a couple days afterwards and my boyfriend will be taking the day of off to drive me home and take care of me. How soon after were you able to eat solid food? How long did the pain last?

    1. Take dry socket very seriously. I removed the gauze as directed but i guess the clot (?) came with it and I’ve never had so much pain. Be very careful removing the gauze and notice if flesh is coming out with it.

       If you dodge that the rest of it isn’t too bad.

       1. Yeah, you just have to irrigate the holes after eating. Solid food, maybe the following day IIRC. I had never taken painkillers before so make sure you eat beforehand!

       2. Yes, dry socket is the absolute worst. I have given birth twice without pain killers, but dry socket just about killed me. Do not drink out of a straw either.

          1. I have amazingly high pain tolerance (12 surgeries and counting, five of them orthopedic) and dry socket was just…oh my god, like having a pulsing screaming hole in your head that no drug would touch. No straws, and don’t go crazy irrigating the holes either, since that’s how I knocked the “cap” right off the socket. Good lord, I can still remember how bad that hurt and I’m old.

    2. Don’t eat solid food too soon after – the rinsing to clean it out can get you a dry socket too. Honestly, just embrace eating a bunch of ice cream and mashed potatoes and apple sauce for a week or so. If anything feels weird at all get a checkup – they’re usually free and it is super easy to spot and treat a dry socket, and I wish I hadn’t waited so long thinking I was “just healing.”

       Agree with above, not too bad at all besides that. Pain was totally manageable from the procedure itself.

    3. It’s really not that bad, I thought that pain medication was mostly unnecessary. Follow the advice re: dry sockets, but it’s not really painful or difficult to recover from. I would also say that you should get the fourth one out while you’re already there, which they probably presented to you as an option. I left my bottom ones in and needed to get them removed later, wish I had gotten it over with at once while I was younger.

       1. I didn’t want to go under for the surgery, with the way the 4th one is positioned they would prefer to put me out. They’re just going to do local anesthesia.

          1. Have you had a prior bad experience with anesthesia? I’ve had two procedures with propofol and it was amazing. I went right to sleep and woke right back up after. They don’t have to intubate you or anything like that.

             1. I’ve just never done it before and am terrified of it.

          2. I’m with you, K. I thought the general anesthesia was WAY overkill. It lasted hours longer than it should have, and I think it was an unnecessary risk. I was confused and out-of-it and lost the rest of the day’s memories and apparently ranted a bunch of embarrassing nonsense.

             OTTH, the laughing gas (the first thing they gave me) seemed helpful (the local anesthetic needle didn’t bother me at all on laughing gas).

       2. I chose not to go under and it was fine. They gave me Valium beforehand (I had never taken it before and was like woooOOOoooo before the surgery and for a couple hours after) and then Vicodin just before and just after the surgery. I had like 12 Novocain shots in my mouth and I felt absolutely nothing during the surgery, even when they extracted the impacted teeth. After the surgery I did okay until I got a dry socket, which as folks have mentioned above, is unbelievably bad. I was able to go back to my oral surgeon and got the socket packed, which helped tremendously.

          It’s scary to contemplate but not that difficult to recover from if you follow the instructions they give you. Being under anesthesia also scares me – I’ve had two relatives die under anesthesia – so not going under made me feel better about the whole thing.

    4. It varies a lot, so don’t count on anything. I had very little pain and was eating normal food in a day or two, but my older sisters swelled way up and ate jello and smoothies for the rest of the week. Be warned that whatever you’re eating (but especially real food) can collect in the hole where the tooth was, even after the wound itself is healed, so you’ll have to flush it out with a syringe after brushing your teeth, which is super gross. (Mine were deeply impacted, so you may not actually have as deep a hole as I did.)

    5. I don’t remember a lot of pain, but I was nauseous from the anesthesia for days.

       1. +1. They also gave me codeine and I was allergic so I threw up for a week straight. Not fun!

    6. I only had 2 out as a teenager, but it wasn’t really that bad after the first day. I didn’t take anything stronger than Advil because the prescription meds made me nauseous. Lots of ice cream. I was eating soft things like pasta in a few days. The swelling lasted quite a while. Ice packs helped a lot – my dentist gave me a thing he called a “jaw bra” that wrapped around my head to hold the ice packs in place.

    7. Seriously, try to avoid dry sockets. I had two dry sockets when I had them out and it was terrible. If I were doing it again I would probably avoid eating anything for 24 hours, I think that’s why I ended up with dry sockets. If you are fortunate enough to avoid them, the recovery is pretty easy. Otherwise it’s pretty awful – I ended up missing a full week of work. Personally I would not want to go through it without being sedated, although I know lots of people who have. Bring headphones if that’s your plan – I understand the sound can be rather unpleasant.

    8. The older you are, the worse it is, as I understand. It’s good you’re getting them out at 23. I got all 4 out at 32, and they were severely impacted so it was a tough removal.

       I was swollen for over a week, and it was the worst pain I’ve ever had! Sorry, not trying to scare you, I don’t think it’ll be that bad for you. I lived alone, which made post-surgery harder, but definitely get what you need ahead of time – your prescriptions, soft foods (I recommend buying bone broth), etc.

    9. Eat pineapple before, drink pineapple juice after; the bromelain will help.

    10. I got all 4 out at 28 and it was an extremely rough surgery. I had planned to take just a long weekend to recover, but left my calendar open in case I needed more time and I’m glad I did. Proper wound care is so important to avoid dry sockets and I know I wouldn’t have been diligent about that if I was back at work. Also, I needed narcotic pain killers for the first 4 days and high doses of OTC pain killers for another 4 days after that.

        1. Agreed – 28 when I got all four of mine out too. They were all impacted, and it was THE WORST. I thought the immediately after recovery for my wisdom teeth was worse than my ACL surgery in terms of pain. I’d definitely plan on taking more vacation time than less and play it by ear based on how you feel. Also, prep all the food ahead of time. I have an amazing group of friends, and they all brought over easy to swallow/not chew meals that just went in the freezer or the fridge for a quick easy meal. It was SO NICE to not have to worry about that when the pain killers made me dizzy enough that standing up was not a super realistic option most of the time.

    11. I would seriously consider getting all 4 done and going under general. Though it is not painful with local, the pressure is immense and it is an extremely unpleasant experience. My best friend had the top two removed in college and was told her bottom wisdom teeth would likely never need to get removed. Now she’s over 30 and they’ve not only surfaced but their movement has been messing with the alignment of her teeth, so back in she goes.

    12. I had all four of my wisdom teeth out in my early twenties. It wasn’t bad for me. I had only local, it took about 5 hours. I only took tylenol/advil for a couple days, nothing stronger. I stucky with mushy foods for a few days, but was back to a normal diet in no more than week. I had the procedure in the afternoon and returned to work the next day.

        From this thread though, it obviously varies a lot.

    13. I had all four removed at age 30 (3 erupted, one still under the gum). They put me under and it was a snap. Like I just felt really drunk for 10 seconds and then I was waking up in recovery feeling a little loopy but fine. I had also never had anesthesia. You’re only under for about 20 minutes. They’ll give you a set of instructions to follow. I only took the pain medicine for a few days and then switched to advil. I had minimal swelling. Just follow the instructions and don’t push it on the regular food too fast.

    14. I (33) have had a few impacted wisdom teeth out (in Europe, we do them one by one, usually) this year. I think here they give more conservative advice, but it worked for me. No real food for 24 hours (broth, sports drinks ok, just make sure it is clear broth not the kind with flecks of herbs in it). No solids for 2-3 days, except maybe chopped noodles. I ate a lot of banana smoothies – you don’t want granular because it can get stuck up there so stuff like mashed potatoes is not helpful. Sleep upright/slanted for at least 3 days and propped up on your arms so you don’t roll. Ice it for the first 24 hours as much as possible (like, nearly constantly) then as much as you can the next day. It will help a lot with swelling. I did mine on a Friday and basically didn’t move the whole weekend. I think this really helped healing, I was puffy for about a week but did not have to take pain meds after the first night. Drink lots of fluids, then after 4-5 days switch to diuretics to help drain – green tea, tea in general. If you can do the teeth one by one it is annoying but I think helpful as your body is dealing with a smaller injury, and you’ll be generally in less pain.

        1. Just adding that my experience was all under local numbing, and I was able to go home by walking/metro (carefully).

    15. Grape juice and popsicles, yes. Milk, (gag) no.

17. A lot of people have posted on here for advice on changing their name. I’m looking for advice on whether to comment on a name change or not. There is someone I have worked fairly closely with for the last 5 years in a volunteer role. We email regularly and have at least once/month meetings together. She even got me a birthday card this year. That said we are essentially close acquaintances, not friend-friends. I noticed at our most recent event that her name tag had a different last name on it. I didn’t mention it. Today I noticed her email signature has changed.

    What is the polite response here. Ignore it and just use the new name (I usually only call her by her first name unless I’m introducing her to someone) or ask her about it the next time I see her? I assume if it was good news it would have come up organically and if it is bad news she might not want to talk about it in which case I’m probably best not mentioning it. It just seems, I don’t know, mean or insensitive or something to act like I didn’t even notice.

    1. “cool new name!” and wait to see what she says.

    2. Just got married last month and am adjusting to my new name. The easy question is simply, “Did you change your name?”

       1. I think the issue is that it might be a divorce and in that case it’s probably better not to say “Hey, did you change your name?”

    3. You’ve known her for 5 years, but don’t know if she is/was married? If she was married and now changed her name, she probably got divorced and I would not say anything.

    4. I’d check The Knot’s wedding registry search before proceeding to get a better idea of whether she likely got married.

    5. I had several people ask “are congratulations or condolences in order?” and that seemed like a good way to acknowledge it.

       1. And don’t be surprised if the response is, “Congrats, definitely, I’m so glad to be divorced!”

          1. That was totally my response! BTW it was four years ago yesterday! Time flies!

    6. I googled and found her dad’s obit. She had been married and the old name was her married name, new name was her birth name. With that info, I’m leaning towards just not commenting on it.

    7. Do you have mutual friends in the organization? I might ask one of them first just to see (as in “I see Ann has a new last name, did she get married?”). I did that recently with client contact. They had gotten divorced. I was glad I asked one of her co-workers before I said anything to her.

18. I’ve had a couple of frustrating experiences in the past week. It seems no matter how hard I work or how high quality my work is, I’m always overlooked in favor of men. A woman’s contribution is expected, a man’s contribution is to be applauded.

    1. I serve on a board of a charitable organization. Another lawyer, a man, also serves on this board. We both suggested important changes in some docs the board was reviewing this year. Every single time the changes are discussed, the presenter waxes poetic about the male lawyer’s changes and says nothing about mine, doesn’t even mention that I also made really important changes and that the other lawyer and I collaborated on most of them. It’s a woman doing this too, which rankles even more.

    2. Getting a word in edgewise in a crowded conference call. I can’t help but notice that every time a male voice speaks up, everyone gets quiet, but when I (usually the only woman on the line) try to say something, I have to repeat myself or sternly say EXCUSE ME CAN I PLEASE SPEAK THANKS. Even the junior male associate has more luck chiming in than I do (fortunately he’s totally an ally and will echo or emphasize what I say).

    3. But also sometimes karma gets them – I came up with what I thought was a brilliant strategy. Everyone on our side thought it was brilliant, opposing counsel all but conceded to us, and so of course one male attorney took credit for it. For months everyone called it “Idea Thief’s Brilliant Strategy.” Well the judge totally hated it and ripped it apart. So… maybe it was good that everyone thought it was Idea Thief’s idea!

    1. Man, I hear you.

       I am going to be president of my service club starting in July and the current (male) president is being breathtakingly disrespectful to me on a variety of levels, most notably discounting every. single. thing. I say until he has heard it from a man. I am so over it.

       1. I am sorry this is still going on, SA.

          1. I mean the blatant disrespect, which you have posted about.

19. Any recs on a lightweight mascara? IDK if I’m describing that correctly, but lately when I wear mascara (Loreal Lash Paradise) it feels so…heavy? that it’s distracting and uncomfortable and irritating, I look forward to taking it off as soon as I get home. I’ve been going without mascara all week and its SO much better, but it looks terrible….

    1. Sounds like you are a drugstore girl like me? I’ve been using the CG Lashblast Fusion, I think, in the purple tube. I can’t imagine a heavy mascara!

    2. The green and pink tube Maybelline old standby has been my go-to for lightweight but noticeable mascara. And recently it seems they changed the formula to glide on smoother and lengthen a little more without clumps, even after two or three coats.

       1. +1

    3. I hate Lash Paradise. I don’t understand why it’s so highly praised. It’s clumpy mess. I’ve had great success with L’Oreal Paris Voluminous Million Lashes. Very little comes out on the brush so you can easily coat your lashes with no clumps. I’m also curious about the Glossier Lash Slick, but I’ll probably wait for a sale or something.

    4. I am a huge fan of Essence I Love Volume Waterproof mascara. I rarely notice it is on and it takes an oil based makeup remover to make it budge.

    5. Cover Girl Professional All-In-One or Clump Crusher, or the classic L’Oreal Voluminous. You might try avoiding anything that claims to “thicken” thin lashes and instead look for something that is a lash lengthener.

    6. Benefit Tinted Lash Primer!!

    7. covergirl clump crusher with extensions. in the fat green tube. despite the name, not a heavy look, but great for length.

20. Traveling to Montreal for four nights this weekend – it’s my first ever solo trip, and I’ve suddenly become a bit nervous! Any recommendations (either for traveling solo, or for Montreal in general)? I’ve booked a walking tour for the first morning, but kept the rest of the weekend open for exploring. I tend to be a more museum-y person over outdoor activities, but in particular, would appreciate any recommendations for things to do at night. Staying in an Airbnb in the Plateau area.

    1. I love the Marche Jean-Talon, which also has a lot of good bakeries, butchers, delis, and fromageries around it! (https://www.marchespublics-mtl.com/en/marches/jean-talon-market/ and there are other markets in case you want to go by location)

       I don’t think I’ve ever been to Montreal museums, but St. Joseph’s Oratory and the Biodome are great. Also eat some bagels and some poutine!

    2. Can *you* share any advice? I’ve been looking into planning a solo Montreal trip (I’ve never been, and flights are cheap from my city) but I balked at the hotel prices! Was the Airbnb reasonable? How long are you staying for? What walking tour did you book?

       1. OP here – It all sort of happened on a whim! I just moved to Boston, and wanted to get out of town for Memorial Day, without doing something beachy. The tickets were super cheap, so I just booked! Hotel prices totally freaked me out too, which is why I ended up going the Airbnb route. I’ve done Airbnbs before, and had really great experiences, so long as I’ve picked somewhere with plenty of good reviews. I’m going from tomorrow night until Monday morning, and I think the Airbnb’s costing just over $300 total, which is much less than a decent hotel would. I booked a 3 hour walking tour from Viator, which usually contracts with local tour groups. I’ve booked things through them before also – same advice, just pick ones with good reviews! Will definitely report back after the trip and let you know how it all goes :)

          1. Thanks so much! Have a great time on your trip :)

    3. There’s a great music scene-never mind going by yourself–it’s worth any awkwardness you may initially feel. Be sure to check out some of the Quebecois folk music, it’s amazing. mtlblog [com] has some great leads. Also, a lot of the immigrants to Quebec came from the Bretagne region in France, famous for the savory crepe and apple cidre–partake, so delicious.

    4. If you are interested in checking out Joe Beef but can’t get in, try their sister restaurant, Liverpool House. Delicious.

    5. I travel solo a lot, and my favorite thing to do is walking tours, so you’re good there! I also really like getting picnic food, which is easy enough at Jean-Talon, and sitting and people watching. If you ever journal, bring that along–I always write a mix of travel narrative and just commentary on the people I see, and it’s fun to read over that later. Or bring a book, it can be super nice to just find a pretty place to sit, and read, and feel the sunshine and wind. In Montreal I also really enjoyed renting a bike for a day. You can ride up Mount Royal, if you are ready for the exercise, or around the circumference of the little island, which is nice and flat.

       1. Oh, and I did the food walking tour, which was a ton of fun. The guide fit in all the historical stuff, plus we got to try the bagels, and some local chocolate, and five other delicious places.

       2. Carrying around a journal during the day is a great idea – thanks for the rec!!

    6. An afternoon walk through old Montreal, stopping for patio wine and people watching as needed. If you like to shop, I cannot recommend Delano Design at 70 Rue St. Paul Ouest (West) highly enough.

       And even though it is the ultimate tourist thing, go to Schwartz’s for a smoked meat sandwich and a giant pickle, plus a vacuum sealed package to take home.

    7. I don’t have any Montreal recs, but I love travelling alone. I did it the first time when I studied abroad in college and wanted to visit a region of Italy no one else was excited about. It was scary at first but it gave me this incredibly feeling of independence. Now if I want to go somewhere, I just book it and go.

       In general, I don’t plan every minute but I try to map out what major sites or neighborhoods I want to see. My method is to get recs and do some google research, star everything I don’t want to miss on Google maps, zoom out and then lump things together geographically. I take note of opening hours to make sure I won’t try to show up to a museum on a Monday and they’re closed Mondays, when I could have easily gone Sunday. I try to walk as much as possible, so I can pop into shops or bakeries or whatever as they catch my eye. I’ve never felt unsafe or had any trouble being alone, just be mindful of your surroundings, alcohol intake and your purse, have your phone with you, don’t go anywhere you don’t feel comfortable. At night, I will typically not walk alone in unfamiliar areas of the city, but opt to cab or Uber.

       I’m an extrovert, so I try to meet lots of people. I love to have dinner at the bar of interesting or fancy local restaurants and see who I can meet or strike up a conversation with. I go to live music. I google who the hot bartenders in the city are and seek out drinks at those bars. You may meet people on your tour or sightseeing who you can invite to join you for lunch or dinner. Ask your Airbnb host for ideas and recs.

       Lastly, I try to do things that I can’t do or don’t take time to do normally: My home city has booming off-Broadway and Touring Broadway scenes, but the opera and ballet are non-existent, so I seek those out (I just looked – there’s a performance of Romeo and Juliet at the Opera de Montreal on May 26th with plenty of single-seat availability!!). Think about what recharges you: maybe that’s spending an afternoon writing or reading a book on the patio of a cute cafe, or a spa night at your airbnb.

       1. This is so helpful, thank you so much! Definitely going to check out the opera!!

21. Resources for a first-time manager?

    I’m leaving a non-supervisory position in the government to go back to private practice. I’ll be in a role between associate and partner, and I’ll be in a supervisory position for the first time – managing associates on case teams.

    Since this is an experience gap for me, I’d like to prepare myself as best I can. Are there resources the Hive recommends? I prefer blogs/websites, but also open to books, podcasts, etc. Thanks!

    1. First Round Review’s “Management” tag is super useful, also Harvard Business Review has a lot of good stuff, though their site only allows a few free articles per month, iirc.

    2. I like the book called: The First 90 Days.

    3. Read the Ask A Manager blog. Devote yourself to at least an hour a week reading through the backlogs. I spend an hour a week going through the week’s posts, usually on a slow Friday afternoon, and I think it’s one of the best development trainings I do for myself.

       You can skip the comments and open threads, but read her daily posts on how to deal with workplace issues. Much of it won’t apply, but it helps to have a frame of reference for when you might be stepping near issues, when you’re dealing with something egregious, when you’re getting worked up over nothing. It also helps me get in a calm headspace when I’m thinking over an issue, where I try to focus on what the core problem is and what is the clearest way to solve it.

       1. Alison Green is the Ask A Manager blogger. She just published a book, Ask a Manager. Review so far are mixed, but it might be worth checking out.

    4. Manager tools podcast is a bit ridiculous sometimes but was really useful to me.

22. Does anyone else’s appetite change with their cycles? I’ve been on hormonal BC my entire adult life. I’ve been tracking calories on and off for years, but I only recently started tracking my satiety. There’s a definite trend – I’m satisfied with my calorie limit in the first week of a cycle but I eat progressively more calories in subsequent weeks. During the last week, I’m still hungry even when I blow my calorie limit by like 500+ calories. What gives? I guess I’ll need to discuss with my doctor at my next appointment but ugh… I really don’t want to transition to another BC method, every time I’ve had to change has been a disaster.

    1. Yes, definitely. I find that I have more “hungry days” the closer to my period. I’m not on any hormonal BC though.

       1. Same here — I use condoms for BC, and I have a huge appetite around ovulation and a few days before my period. It is really frustrating because I could stand to lose 20 to 30 pounds, but it seems impossible to satisfy my appetite particularly at those times of the month. (Yesterday I ate two cups of fruit and a bag of healthy popcorn an hour after a salad-based 450-cal lunch that included tofu and edamame, and I still felt like I was starving; the only thing that filled me up was a grain salad.)

       2. +1

    2. Oh yeah. Totally a thing. I just don’t sweat it because I know my appetite fluctuates (plus bloating, etc).

    3. I absolutely notice this!

       That said, depending on why you’re tracking your calories, could you adjust for this? Maybe step it back a little early in the month so you can “reload” right before. As long as you are net neutral or net negative (or net positive, whatever your goals may be) you should still balance over the course of 4 weeks.

       Also related to satiety, evaluate your food volume — maybe earlier in your cycle you can eat more calorie dense foods (for example, rice as a carb) but later you want foods with higher volume relative to calorie density (say, berries as a carb) and incorporating low-carb snacks like pickles or jello.

    4. I wouldn’t change your BC because of this, I’d just assume that you actually physically have different nutritional/caloric neeeds at different points in your cycle. Maybe you need more protein or fat at certain times (I always crave red meat around my period, which makes sense considering my iron levels tend to be very borderline).

    5. I find that eating a lot of iron, particularly red meat around the time of my period helps.

       In fact, I pretty much crave a burger and a chocolate candy bar around my period. If I find myself craving these things (I rarely crave burgers), and realize my period’s coming or I’m on it, I just go ahead and eat them and get back to normal eating after that. I suppose at this point I don’t know if it’s physiological or psychological b/c I’ve been doing it so long!

    6. There are some trendy diets right now that switch up the food by time of month (“cycle diet,” I think “Flo Living” might have one). I’m kind of intrigued because I also experience this.

23. Any recommendations for wrap dresses? I actually prefer a faux-wrap; I’ve never had success with an actual wrap dress. I also do better with petite sizing; I’m 5’3″ but am shortwaisted. Will probably be starting grad school soon so I would prefer affordable-ish (under $150 I guess?) options.

    1. I love the Karen Kane ones (5’4″, short-waisted, 34DDD, size 12).

    2. It’s late so you may not see this, but I LOVE my faux-wrap dresses from Karina Dresses and have also had good luck with Leota.

24. For anyone who needs a laugh over a fashion-don’t, please look at Lafayette 148’s “Eden Zip-Front Wool Dress.”

    It’s a dress with an exposed, full-length zipper… down the front.

    1. Heh. That’s just dumb.

    2. I’ve seen a couple like this recently!

    3. Sure to be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of like it as it is an otherwise very conservative dress and, given the brand, likely quite well made and not likely to pucker or gather.

    4. I have a dress with a full length zipper down the front, it’s one of my favorite dresses. It’s in a gray and black and white sort of windowpane pattern so the zipper blends pretty well. But you can see it.

       Honestly, I don’t want to live in the heads of people who worry about the visibility of zippers. Do you really think other people look at your zippers all day and think, dang, I’d like to unzip THAT!! If so, it’s their problem, not yours.

       But lots of people here really seem to worry about things related to dressing that I wouldn’t think twice about. Probably because I work in a largely female, fairly poorly dressed office.

       1. I don’t like zippers on the front (even on hoodies!) because of how they buckle when you sit down.

       2. OP here. I have a dress that zips in the front – it’s a notched neck and zips from the notch to the waist. The zipper is hidden and the pull is tiny, however, so it isn’t noticeable.

          While I do not like the look of exposed zippers, the issue with a full-length, exposed front zipper is it just looks like “Unzip me, please.”

25. I’m considering a facial with extractions. Have you had one done? I have a number of what appear to be milia on my forehead. I went to a derm, tried EpiDuo for 3 months, no change. I’ve read that milia need to be removed. I’m nervous about letting someone near my face with a lancet, though.

    1. I posted about milia the other day. My derm zapped it with something and it fell right out the last time I had one. I don’t know if it’s a laser or the freeze thing though. I haven’t had the current one removed yet. Too many other things to deal with right now.

       1. How much did this cost? I guess it wasn’t in the context of a facial. You just called and said you wanted a milia removed? I have several. One of them has been there for over 5 years.

          1. Yes, you can just call your derm and mention that that is the reason why you want the appointment. My derm told me that it’s not covered by insurance, so I’ve usually paid about $100 to have a few removed at a time.

          2. I was already at my derm for a check up from an insurance covered surgical procedure I had. She took care of the milia for free since I was already there and being charged for other stuff.

             1. +1

                I see my derm for acne and skin checks. She removed one of mine “surgically” in like 1 minute and didn’t charge anything.

    2. Milia does need to be removed. Can you ask your derm to do it? Mine does.

    3. I got a facial once in California and the facialist said she is not allowed (by law) to remove milia – you have to go to a dermatologist.

26. Facialist recs in the Bay Area?

    1. Face Value by Diane in Albany is excellent. Best facials I have ever had, and I have had close to 30 I would guess.

    2. Studio Abasi in Berkeley is AMAZING if you have acne.

       2 caveats. They will:
       1. Very seriously push their skincare line on you. Very hard.
       2. Insist on having a first time consultation where they tell you crazy things like you have to eat salt without iodine and other insane things.

       Regardless – it is worth it. After suffering adult acne for 10 years, my face is finally finally clear. The skin care line is okay, but the face wash in it is amazing. I will never use another face wash again. The first time consultation is silly, just nod your head, but the list of pore clogging ingredients they give you during it is super helpful.

       1. I agree with this as would Rosa. Rosa had bad skin in high school, but in college, she used this stuff and her face is now smooth enough to be on the cover of WAG magazine, which is a local home and fashion magazine in Chapaqua. She also works out so she has a great figure, even if her face were not smooth, so Dad always wants me to be like her. I will NEVER look that good, but I have a great legal mind, the manageing partner told me so I should NOT have to look that good to get cleint’s! YAY!!!!

Comments are closed.