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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pintucked Smocked-Cuff Chiffon Top

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Pink Crisp pintuck pleats top with ruffles at the collar and billowy smocked-cuff sleeves.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m still not over the Barbie pink trend, so I’m just going to lean into it until retailers stop offering it. This smocked chiffon top from CeCe is a great workwear basic, and the color can be paired with just about any neutral.

If you’re feeling particularly bold, it would also look fabulous with a pair of lipstick red trousers or tucked into a bold red skirt.

The top is on sale for $52.93 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. It also comes in eight other colors (full price at $79).

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

288 Comments

  1. Do Nood or any of those hair removal gadgets work? Even if they are half as good as laser, that would be worth considering. Not sure what the pain factor is.

    I am getting majorly stalked on social media.

    1. I thought about one of those gadgets for a long time and finally decided just to do real laser. One of those gadgets is the price of two or three laser sessions, which would give you halfway laser results. I find the real laser less painful than waxing.

      1. As a counter view – I would actually be open to a device like this, because after 6 laser sessions on my underarms I still have significant hair. Have no idea how many laser session I’d need to actually have it mostly gone, so a one-time purchase vs endless laser sessions sounds great to me!

    2. Just saw a piece on FB or Insta yesterday about the Braun depilitator, which was touted as not bad in terms of pain, especially if you do in shower when pores are open so the tugging is less. I had laser on my lower legs years ago and thought it hurt (particularly around shins/ankle) like a son of a gun, so hard to imagine this would be worse.

      1. Do you mean the epiliator? I have one and used it for years. I am someone who regularly waxes with no pain and think epilators can be rather painful. I think that’s why they’ve never really took off. They’re also not permanent.

    3. I have one from Braun and I’ve been happy with the results thus far (I did it for a few weeks last year and I just restarted, I’m about 1/3 of the way through the process but Im already noticing way less hair and bald spots on my legs). It was $250 so way less than laser. There’s absolutely no pain with this one.

      It’s been worth the cost for me, but it’s so tricky because laser works for some people but not for others.

      2. I have the same one and love it. It is great for touchups because even after the laser sessions that I did for underarm and partial leg, you still have a little regrowth. Also, I was able to do my own bikini without having to go through as much grow/shave cycle. I did it every two weeks instead of the 4-6 weeks that they do in the salon so had much less irritation. 100% recommend!

    4. Can anyone speak to the results/time compared to professional laser?

      I was going to bite the bullet and start a whole body professional laser (arms/legs/underarms/ torso and more) after wanting it my whole life. But if I can do it at home and save all the time and expense…..

      Or at best, I’ll still have to shave but less often?

      And how long does it take you to do, since I have large areas to cover?

      1. With the Braun you do it once a week for 12 weeks. I do legs, bikini line, and underarms in about 10 minutes. I’m sure if you were more precise you’d have even better results but I’m impatient and happy with my progress

        1. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for sharing this. I thought it was a much slower process and took a lot more time. Shoot, I think I have to give this a try before spending thousands over years (once every 6 weeks?) for professional.

          Looks like there are newer Models of the Braun. I will investigate!

          1. Like I said I did about 4 weeks last year and I’m like 1/3 of the way through the process this year so I’m sure it’s not perfect but it’s effective enough for me and is way more affordable, is quicker, and less of a hassle of driving somewhere!

            In talking with my friends, Both the at home and professional laser services seem to have mixed results. So it’s always YMMV

    5. I have the Braun epilator as well. I bought it during prime days in October and so far have been happy with the results. Going on a swimsuit vacation this month and will probably bring my razor to avoid the stubble. First time it was kind of painful but I think less so than waxing.

  2. Hi everyone, I’m trying to help out my brother and his wife since they’re juggling a newborn and helping care for his wife’s terminally ill family member. They’re in the Chicago area (Lake County), and I’d love a recommendation for attorneys specializing in employment.

    To get into specifics, he has a noncompete agreement for his current role in sales for a company that manufactures and repairs airplane propellers. He accepted a job offer at another company for a role as a managing director overseeing a new facility that supplies aircraft parts (but he will not be in a sales position or any sort of client-facing role, and he said this new company is not a competitor).

    Now that he’s given notice, his boss is making noises about his noncompete. It states that he can’t work in any capacity for any company that has anything to do with aircraft maintenance for two years after he leaves. This seems like an overly broad restriction to me, although I’m clearly not a lawyer! I mean, could they really restrict him from taking *any* role at this company, like being a janitor or security guard? It seems weird to me and I feel like Illinois wouldn’t be overly friendly to businesses trying to enforce this.

    He’s very frustrated, especially since other colleagues have left to direct competitors without issue recently and he’s the main breadwinner. He’s definitely going to be speaking with a lawyer, but I’ll take any recommendations, war stories, or advice you’ve got!

    1. Excessively-broad restrictions may not be enforceable, but he needs state-specific legal advice. So, good call on getting a lawyer.

    2. NAL in Illinois but as a practical matter he should alert his new employer if he hasn’t already. If his old employer decides to sue then his new employer likely will be a defendant and it’s better for them to hear about that possibility from him than from a process server. And whatever he signed with his new employer might require him to disclose any noncompetes anyway.

      A quick search for IL noncompete law reveals that a legislative change took effect Jan 1 of this year. There’s a $75k minimum for noncompetes. If he makes under $75k then he should look into whether that law applies to noncompetes that had already been signed before 1/1/22.

    3. Echoing the advice to let the new employer know. The employer may have dealt with this previously and may have an attorney already familiar with the issue.

  3. Thanks for those who were asking for an update yesterday. I’m still around and still trying to sort out what to do. Things have been not great lately, but also no major new issues. I know in my heart and soul that this relationship is no good for me, but I am having such a hard time moving forward. I just feel stuck. Yesterday was the first day back at our youth service since Thanksgiving and I wrestled all day with what to wear. Should I wear a pair of jeans that I am comfortable in? What would his reaction be? I decided it best not to “poke the bear” so chose something I knew he could not possibly complain about. I just don’t have the energy with everything going on and the holidays approaching to deal with his comments. You all have definitely given me lots of things to think about and I am now seeing how so many of the issues we have had over the years have been problematic. I just couldn’t see it before. I kept thinking it was just how things are. I’m sure I won’t be able to do anything concrete until after the first of the year, but not sure how to move past this feeling of stuckness. Thanks again for thinking of me.

    1. Thinking of you! Choosing to leave and actually doing it is a long hard process that you need to do in your own time. I wish you well and hope in the new year you can see a therapist not associated with your church he doesn’t know about for more support.

    2. Hugs. This sounds like a rough situation. If you haven’t already, I would highly recommend finding a therapist to help you through this difficult time.

      1. +1 you will need a war chest once you leave.

        Also I have been where you are (was married to the guy for 15 years!) and the worst part is the “stuck” time. Once you make your decision and take action, it’s sad and it’s scary but at least you can look ahead and know that things will be better. Also one of the things that helped me finally make the break was telling myself “If I had left when I thought about it last year, I’d be well into my new life by now. And I don’t want to be thinking this same thing this time next year. So I need to do something.”

        1. I had exactly the same experience as Senior Attorney. Married for 24 years, in my case, and the “stuck” time was a long time since I, too, was exhausted. (My severely depressed husband had decided to discontinue treatment, and I was managing all things at home on top of my full-time job.) At the time, I berated myself for not acting, but looking back, I know that I needed that time to mentally process a lot of issues. I highly recommend seeing a therapist, if at all possible, and consulting a divorce attorney or two to get an advance handle on what’s ahead if you do make the decision to divorce.

    4. Thinking of you!! This is hard but you can do it. Good suggestion to start saving money and think about next steps even if you can’t implement them yet. Please keep us posted.

    5. Sending you brave vibes. Agree with other posters – get yourself some $$ separate from his.

    6. this is the hardest part! You can do it. You deserve a daily life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells wondering what completely-normal activity or outfit will provoke criticism.

      Agree with others – get some separate cash.

    7. I will pray for you.

      Save some money of your own. Make a plan to leave – maybe in January? Talk to an attorney about what to expect in a divorce settlement. Know that a better life is ahead.

    8. Hey, since you mention church – from a Christian perspective, please know that your husband’s behavior is not consistent with our faith. It may be common in some parts of our religion, but it isn’t okay and it isn’t what Jesus wants us to have in our marriages, which should be loving, respectful, and mutual. I’m not sure what your denominational background is, but if you share it I am happy to post some resources for you – there are tons of pastors, teachers, and writers from across the spectrum of Christianity (including evangelical and other more conservative traditions) who are speaking out against controlling and abusive behavior and toxic modesty culture. Reading or listening to some of their work might help you if faith is important to you, and if religious teachings are making it harder for you to take action to protect your emotional health.

      2. Agreed with Anon at 11:13. Don’t let the ideal of your faith hold you back from leaving a bad reality. Years ago, I read, in a focus on the family magazine no less, that marriage is a ring around your finger, not a noose around your neck.
        I wish you all the best and know you can both leave and thrive when you choose to do so.

    9. I’m glad you’re working through this. In regards to your comment where you chose something “he could not possibly complain about”, you realize that he absolutely would complain about it if the urge struck him. It has nothing to do with what you’re wearing. Wear too much and he’ll be on you for dressing like you’re Muslim, wear something frumpy and you don’t look cute AND modest like so-and-so.
      Please start setting aside some money in a bank account only you have access to, if you haven’t already done so.

      1. Oh, this is so true. My husband loved to tell me I was too fat. And then I got thin, and he found other things to torture me about. It’s not you, it’s him.

        1. With mine it was the ever-changing list of ingredients he didn’t like. How could I not know that only petite diced tomatoes are okay in the chili (when he happily ate regular at a potluck 3 days ago)? Sour cream? Fine at the Mexican restaurant, but in the cake I was making? Noooooo. Nothing I made was suitable and I’m a damn fine cook.

          1. Oh my goodness. This level of crazy I have never heard of before.

            I am so sorry for you.

            I hope you have a long, happy and healthy life.

            And OP, I want to give you a big hug and say you are amazing and deserve a life free of fear. And of course, your kids…. You want to role model for them how to treat their spouses, to stop the cycle of abuse.

        2. My in-laws made fun of my weight and called me fat. I was a size 4, late 30s, when they first called me fat. My cynical take was that I never wanted to be around them again, because **everything** about me is fair game under that standard.

    10. Thank you for updating us. I have been thinking and thinking of you. I hope you find the new life you deserve as soon as you can. Real love and compassion from this internet stranger.

    11. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I am Christian, although not extremely conservative, and that has been part of the issue in deciding where to go next. I have read a lot in the last couple of years and have gotten comfortable with the idea that even Jesus does not approve of an abusive relationship of any kind. If any of you remember from a couple of years ago, I am the same person who found listening devices in my handbag on a few occasions. That was the first thing that led me to dig deeper into what is ok and what is not. The listening device issue is illegal in my state and I think that is when I really began to figure out how mad things were. I am still wrestling with lots of things, but have finally come to the realization that he won’t get better, just change his tactics. One of those tactics was to take more control over the finances so it makes it really difficult to set anything aside, but I am trying a small bit at a time. I did some counseling a while back, but think I also need to start that again to help me keep my perspective and not get sucked back in.

      1. I am the OP, Church Jeans Anon, it apparently didn’t keep my name when I posted. Thanks!

      2. Listening devices? That level of controlling behavior is pretty horrific. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, https://www.thehotline.org/. It has information on abusive behavior that is not physically violent, despite the name, and will have a lot of resources for you.

      3. I do remember the listening devices. I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with this for so long.

    12. Having supported someone through a similar situation (emotional abuse in a long 20+ year marriage) I just have a few quick thoughts. Start doing some things just for YOU. Because you want to. Visit a new place, see a movie by yourself or with a friend, etc. You may feel a bit stronger if you can begin to ‘experience’ your new life possibilities already in parallel to your current life circumstances. You can conceptualist these things you choose to do as beginning threads of the next chapter that doesn’t include him. On money: big funds matter, of course, you’ll need them for a lawyer and for setting up your new life. Think through how you could get access to a considerable amount of cash (enough to get you through X months and pay for a lawyer). Small amounts help too, can build a bit of a cushion. Can you transfer small amounts of money? If your spouse is controlling the finances (as was in the case I observed) are there assets you can sell? Can you get extra cash back when making purchases, and set aside that cash? Identify the physical items in your home that are meaningful to you – what you would grab in a fire or what you definitely want to keep/sentimental items. Make a plan for them (or if they’re already tucked away, maybe move them to a safe 3rd place or storage unit). Have gas in your car, have your documents. Finally, if you want to anonymously get info on resources, therapists, or divorce attorneys without the identifying events and info you’ve posted here, you could either post anonymously again or post on Reddit

      1. The problem with cash back when using a debit card at the store (or similar) is that there’s often an extra phrase in the bank statement. Like “$86.48 KROGER + $20.00 CASH BACK”. If he’s as controlling as he sounds, he might notice.

        I wish we had some kind of Corporette Bug Out Fund for situations like this one.

        Also, OP, if you leave, do you think you’d be able to take the children? Do you want to?

        1. I feel like there are enough of us that in a situation like this we could MAKE a C-ette bug-out fund. If someone wants to take this on I would happily contribute.

  4. Hit me up with your best breakfast ideas, please – I’m in a rut with my daily piece of toast with peanut butter.

    I need to chew something and particularly in winter, need something warm, so smoothies are out. Have never been able to tolerate the texture of oatmeal, so have to pass by all those glowing recipes/reports on overnight oats/crockpot oats/steelcut oats, etc.

    I don’t eat a huge breakfast but need something to tide me over to my early lunch or I get pretty nasty. Anything that is low prep, easy to transport for days I need to be in early and relatively nourishing/nutritional? Does not need to be a traditional breakfast food .

    Thanks!

    1. Not low prep, but low prep in the mornings. I make a big batch of this turkey apple hash and then keep it in a tupperwear and each morning scoop out some into a bowl which I reheat in the microwave. I also like to quickly fry an egg sunny-side up and put on top. Takes <5 min in the morning.
      http://fedandfulfilled.com/turkey-apple-breakfast-hash/

    3. I love chia pudding. I make a batch of it on Sunday (takes about 5 mins + time to gel) and have it for the week. I leave my house around 8 and don’t eat til 10 so while it’s not warm it’s room temp. I also add fruit and nuts to it so I definitely have to chew it.

      If you don’t like oatmeal, are you okay with other hot cereals? My mom loves cream of wheat, for example.

      I also like frozen waffles, but that might be too similar to toast for you. A minute in the toaster and topped with PB, jam, or fruit. Warm, quick and easy, chewable. I prefer Eggo but sometimes do Kodiak for protein.

      I also prep a quiche maybe 1-2 weeks a month. Takes about an hour but only 10 mins of that is hands on time, if that. Very filling, warm when reheated, chewable, and quick in the mornings. I also love how customizable it is, I do different fillings each week. I don’t really care for eggs, but I can eat them when mixed with cheese and meat and veg.

    4. Egg casseroles reheat well. I’m a fan of the Skinnytaste crustless quiche. Super easy to customize depending on what you have in the house.

    5. I’m a fan of those “healthy” microwavable pancake bowls. I don’t want something super sweet in the mornings and don’t need syrup or powdered sugar, but usually add some bulk and fiber to make it more filling. Frozen berries, sliced banana, nuts/seeds, dark chocolate chips or cacao nibs all work well. I stock up when they’re on sale, but there’s recipes to DIY them. You could toss all the dry stuff together in a microwavable jar ahead of time, add wet stuff in the mornings, and nuke it when you get to work.

    6. Put chia seeds or banana slices on your toast?

      Muffins freeze beautifully – make whatever kind you like, load ’em up with protein or don’t, and nuke for 30 seconds from the freezer.

    7. Banana bread but in baked muffin tins (I load really load them up with either pecans and walnuts). Scrambled eggs made with Greek yogurt.

    8. I make a batch of egg bites/egg muffins. Then each morning toast an english muffin and add them to that. You can vary up the flavors of each one.. Bell pepper, cheese, etc. For the eggs, my weird tip is to put some cottage cheese into the scrambled egg mixture, blend it before baking. I find it helps keep the texture better for meal prep purposes and gives it some extra protein.

      1. I do this too! It makes things so much better. I do about six eggs and blend in the cottage cheese and some other flavorful cheese and spices. Then I mix in whatever veg and bake in a casserole. It is such a lifesaver for breakfast and also sometimes lunch.

        I know you said warm but I am a breakfast salad evangelist. I also often do two eggs over a bowl of leftover veg with some cheese. Filling, warm, and so good.

    9. Leftovers, heated in a skillet with a fried egg on top. (Not transportable, granted…)
      Fried egg wrapped in a burrito with avocado.
      Bagel toasted with either cream cheese, hummus, or baba ganoush.

    11. egg bites, particularly the ones sold at Costco, which are a really excellent knockoff of Starbucks’ sous vide egg bites.

    12. Breakfast burritos. Can fill them with any combo of beans, eggs, cheese, bell peppers, onion, chicken, potatoes. Easy to transport, easy to freeze. texture and flavor.

    13. If you don’t mind a bit of “meal prep” prep, I like to roast a sweet potato, then brown some cut breakfast sausage, add the sweet potatoes and then some chopped up kale until it’s wilted. A tiny sweet, savory, healthy. Just pop it in the microwave when you want it!

  5. Am I the AH? Coming home from a morning walk I saw a dog poop ahead of me and its owner quickly pull it away. As I reached the corner I suggested he clean up after his dog. I swear I did not raise my voice. He denied the dog pooped, said he pulled her away in time (?) and screamed “psycho” at me after I said “have a good day” and walked away in the opposite direction. All my friends with dogs are meticulous about picking up after them when we walk together, so I’m mystified as to why he went ballistic.

    1. There is absolutely no point in reminding someone to pick up after their dog. By definition anyone who doesn’t pick up after their dog is an AH, unless they ran out of bags and are planning to run home for a bag and come back to pick it up (yes people actually do this). You are not going to change their behavior, but you do risk a confrontation.

      1. The point, in my view, is to reinforce the social contract and encourage pro-social behavior. Granted, I live in a city where the left behind poop covers the same ground as pedestrians, baby carriages etc

        1. But reminding jerks to pick up after their dogs doesn’t reinforce the social contract or encourage pro-social behavior. On the contrary, it just causes them to lash out.

          2. Their response is their problem.

            My father’s ex wife would mock people who asked her to leash her dog or pick up after it. IMHO, it was a good thing that people did – anything to push back on her sociopathy chipped away at the idea of her as a person above reproach and for whom the normal rules do not apply.

    2. He went ballistic because he’s a jerk. No one accidentally doesn’t scoop. I personally don’t like confrontation with strangers so wouldn’t have said anything.

    3. your yard or someone else’s? I don’t think you’re out of line but I’d probably just say good morning and give a pointed look unless it was my yard.
      his reaction was out of line for sure.

        2. I’m the asking anon. he is indisputably the asshole but also I wouldn’t personally confront strangers because some will be AHs

    4. Hi, are you me? If I saw someone acting as that person had, I would have had the same response. I’ve gently asked many people on the street to clean up after their dogs when it becomes clear they plan to walk away (NYC sidewalks are filthy right now). Sometimes the offenders are teenagers and I hope I’m helping long term :) You are definitely not the AH here

    6. This is pretty much what I would have expected a stranger’s response to be, which is why I don’t confront strangers.

    7. lol I’m an AH too becuase if I see it, I say something. That’s disgusting. The worst is when people claim they’re coming back for it later when they’re walking on a track that’s a loop and are going to pass the trash can anyway. We all know you’re not coming back for it. He was just embarrassed he got caught. I do think people are more careful in the future when they get called out.

    8. He went ballistic because he was called out. I have had people do this a LOT to me – question my mental health for pointing out that they are missing the basics of the social contract (e.g. putting dog on a leash in an area where it is required).

    9. I’m a dog owner and I’m the first to gently say “I think you forgot something.” Most folks will go back and pick up. I hate people like that. Give all dog owners a bad name. And leaving waste risks the health of other dogs and animals.

      This is how strongly I feel about it–I so don’t want peoole thinking I’m that guy that when my dog just strains (anal sacks get impacted) I’ll even act like I’m picking up the (non-existent) poop because I don’t want to look like I’m an AH from a distance.

      1. I’m the OP here and I saw the doodoo fall from the dog’s rear end. Otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything.

      2. Ha I do the same thing (the pretend pickup). My girl is old and has ghost poops sometimes.

        1. I make a show of looking at the ground to be sure there’s nothing to pick up.

    10. I would absolutely never do that, but you are not the AH and I wish that more people (including myself) were more like you. People are justifiably afraid of confrontation but the result is that no one is looking out for each other or upholding the social contract. Just a few days ago, I had to inhale second hand crack on the train because everyone just ignored the guy openly smoking it. Dog owners are also annoying AF in my city and bring their dogs everywhere, including the grocery store and the one tiny park in my neighborhood that does not allow dogs.

      There’s never a Karen around when you really need one.

    11. Does anyone remember an early episode of Billions? When Chuck Rhoades makes a guy pick up dog p0op with his hand because he didn’t have a bag. It was kind of awesome. Not recommending that you do that, OP, but it made me think of it.
      You’re not the AH. If I see someone letting their dog p0op without picking it up I usually say something unless I have my toddler with me (for fear of being yelled at in front of him).
      My dog is old and constipated and takes about a block to get the p0op out (but squats the whole time) so I usually hold a bag in my hand ready to go so people don’t think I’m not picking it up.

    12. A gentle way to address this is to cheerfully offer a bag …”May I offer you a bag? Sometimes I think it’s a two-bag walk when really it’s a three-bag morning!”

  6. Any off-the-beaten path ideas for a 2+ week trip to Scotland in April? No kids, moderate budget. We have just started planning in earnest and there are so many places that look great that it is hard to start figuring out an itinerary. We’ll have a car and will be flying in/out of Edinburg. The only thing we have decided for certain is that we will make it up to Orkney. Our interests are mainly history (castles/ruins/areas of historical significance) and scenery/hiking/wildlife. Unless the touristy thing is so cool it absolutely can’t be missed, we usually pass. So many things seem to fit our interests that it seems almost arbitrary where we go…all suggestions appreciated!

    1. Scotland is full of castles so you can’t go wrong there. Unless you were here in August, there’s little risk of anything super “tourist-y”. I’d wonder about the North Coast 500, since you’ll have a car and seem game to drive, but you could just potter up north to get the ferry to Orkney, and stop at nice places, climb some munros along the way.

    2. Not sure if the timing works, but my favorite part of my trip to Scotland was going to a Highlands game. It was not one of the big ones, it was in a small town. It was so much fun. We were pretty much the only non-local people there.

    3. There is a regular poster on the mom’s page that lives in Scotland. I’m not sure if she reads this page too, it wouldn’t hurt to post over there to see if she has any suggestions?

      1. Cb, I think. She posts over here too!

        OP, we went to Scotland on our honeymoon and stayed in a centuries old crofter’s cottage in Fort William at the foot of Ben Nevis with sheep milling around outside and a cozy fire inside and used that as our base for a week of exploring. (It was as fabulous as it sounds.) We did All the History and All the Nature. We both have Scottish roots, so we each took a day to visit the areas where our ancestors came from and just wander around those villages, we did a whiskey day (or two ha), we did Ben Nevis accidentally (ha, the locals said it was a good day for “hill walking” – what we call hiking – and we didn’t know any better with their benign appellation, so we accidentally climbed to the top of Scotland’s highest peak! Well, DH did – I don’t have experience with ice climbing, so I stayed right where it starts to get snowy and let him go to the very top), and went on every recommended walk in the Highlands. It was gorgeous and probably one of the best weeks of my life. We did Glasgow and Edinburgh on the way out, and the touristy stuff was SUCH a hard adjustment – I was totally bummed.

        The National Landmark Trust (somewhat like our National Register of Historic Places, except their government owns these properties) rents out their properties like AirBnbs and you can stay in some unbelievable accommodations. I sadly discovered their IG account after we got back or I maybe would have pulled us away from our adorable little cottage to stay for a couple nights in a castle or some such.

        There’s also an island near the English coast that’s only accessible at low tide. It was settled in the 600s by a saint and there’s ruins of a monastery on it. That was a gorgeous, gorgeous day, too. Lindisfarne is the name.

        Have fun! I loved it and we hope to go back some day!

        2. I do but I very rarely leave Edinburgh, other than to travel south to where my family and friends are in various parts of England… which is why I’m leaving Scotland next year to be closer to them!

    4. The Culloden museum in Inverness is a can’t miss. The description of the history is great and there’s a somewhat gory battle reenactment at the end that was really moving. You stand in the middle of the room and the battle is projected on all of the walls, so it’s like you’re standing in the middle of the battle. You can skip the reenactment if that’s not your thing.

      I loved Skye in general and would hands down recommend it. Just be sure to book accommodations well in advance.

      If you’re planning to do any whiskey tasting, be sure to book transportation ahead of time. Scotland has VERY strict – near zero tolerance – drinking and driving laws. You can’t do a tasting and legally drive shortly thereafter.

    5. Scotland is in my list to repeat whenever,
      from my previous trip I will recomend not to miss Edimburgh, Stirling, Loch Lomon, Oban, Inverness, Cairgorms and St Andrews. Dont bother to go to Dundee or Perth. Elgin and Aberndeen are not bad but no compusory in my opinion.
      But where you have to go is Glencoe, Skye and Eilean Donan. Simply amazing.

      1. I second Eilean Donan, Donnattor too. Quiraing is my top vote. Stunning and memorable.

    6. One thing I did when staying in Inverness was hire a cabby to take us around (me and a friend) to different sites, including Culloden and several very early burial sites, it was great! Easy way to see things and he was a great guide.

    7. I can’t remember the details, but I once went on a Hawk Walk – there was a falconry school and they led hikes where you would take falcons out into the woods and fly them and along the way they would talk about the history or falconry. And afterwards we got to fly owls too. It was amazing.

    8. Big yes to Orkney. We spent a week there and it was well worth it if you’re into pre-history. Also recommend restaurant the Foveran (SW of Kirkwall, main city on main island). We enjoyed taking ferries to some of the nearby smaller islands, and flew in a tiny tiny plane to North Ronaldsay which is the northernmost island in Orkney. Amazing! We flew to Edinburgh then continued on a flight to Kirkwall, took the ferry to near John O’Groats and rented a car in Wick to drive around and eventually back to Edinburgh. Getting from ferry to Wick required a bus ride but it saved some time to cut down on driving.

    9. I have been to Scotland several times, these were my favorites:
      Hiking in the Highlands. If you have a car, you can stop at many beautiful locations in Glencoe area and do a few hours hikes. We didn’t have a car, so we took a bus to Glencoe Ski Centre and walked 20km+ to Glencoe; we did a few tracks from Kinlochleven and Fort William and a few in the Glenfinnan area. I found walkinghighlands.co.uk very helpful in planning hikes. Also The Munros book has amazing advice on the hills and how to approach them.
      We have visited Dunottar castle [East coast], spent a day in Stonehaven [they surprised me with amazing coffee, probably the best coffee in the whole Scotland], went to St Andrews and then to Trossachs NP. Somehow, we ended up in Royal Lochangar Whisky Distillery, so we did a tour, it was great.
      My other favorite is Isle of Skye – but to fully enjoy it, book accommodation now, spend 3 days, visit the Old Man of Storr, Fairy Pools, Quiraing, Talisker Bay [this is where I want to retire when I am old & rich]. We have stayed in Armadale and did car trips to all these locations. We did a hike to Point of Sleat from Armadale to the beach & lighthouse. Stop at the Armadale hotel for amazing drinks! When going to Skye, I would recommend booking a stay with kitchen, stock up before you cross the bridge to the island and prep your meals. We were often hungry because there were huge queues to the restaurants and the opening hours didn’t suit us either.
      A must-see in Edinburgh for me was the Holyrood Palace, the audioguide was one of the best and the place was beautiful.
      We have also traveled to Arisaig to do a hike along the beautiful beaches.
      Personally, I also enjoyed watching the Jacobite train crossing Glenfinnan viaduct – amazing shots and a must-see as a Harry Potter fan. We even caught the train in Fort William train station by accident. The viaduct viewpoint was crowded, but i people were dispersed over the area, so it didn’t feel restricting. Do a hike after the train passes – it’s beautiful out there and you will also avoid the traffic jam in the car park.
      I have so many beautiful memories from Scotland, I hope you will enjoy your trip.

    10. I got pulled away today, but thank you all SO SO much, everyone, for sharing these tips. It’s given us some much clearer direction on ideas, and many specific destinations to try to incorporate into our route planning. Very much appreciated.

  7. I need to simplify some things at home. I live alone in a one bedroom with good storage (aka the ability to not have much clutter). My life is pretty busy with work, school, and fun things (and I’m lucky that work is fine and pays the bills but I really love my grad program and my hobbies and friends and social life). I’m healthy, young, having fun and have some disposable income (most goes to grad school but I still have some money for myself).

    I feel like Im maybe 50-75% there on having my stuff together enough where I’m able to do everything I need and not be stressed but I know there’s room for improvement. For example, I meal prep but I don’t always portion everything out until the morning of. I have a few go-to work outfits and fun outfits but could probably come up with a few more. I have a good cleaning routine on Sundays but if that doesn’t happen then Im SOL.

    I have ADHD so organizing and routines and schedules are necessary for me, but I’m also really bad at developing them. I almost need someone to hand me a list and say this worked for me, give it a try (obviously this is not one size fits all … but would be a great start to try a few different peoples routines and see what works for me)

    1. Honestly, unless there is more you haven’t written here, it sounds like you are in search of a solution for a non-problem.

      Is waiting until the morning of to portion out your already-prepped meal causing stress in some way? Is your outfit situation leaving you scrambling before laundry day? If not, let it be because that means what you are doing now IS working for you.

      1. I just feel like there’s way more stress and rushing and running late than I’d like. And I’ve dropped a few balls lately I’d like to recover

    2. Hire a professional organizer for one or two sessions. A good one will teach you how to do it yourself. It should only cost a few hundred, well worth it if it gets you the personalized advice you need.

    4. Have you thought about working with an ADHD coach? They specialize in helping people set up these sorts of routines and strategies.

    5. Sometimes life is a little messy, and that’s ok! I would cut yourself a break. You seem to have your sh*t together to me.

      That said, what are your pain points? I would start by picking one problem to solve and thinking through your stumbling block to getting it done.

      An example form my own life – I always procrastinate emptying the dishwasher. It’s just annoying to me. One day I literally scheduled it in my calendar. When the alarm went off, I put on my favorite playlist and got to work. I also timed myself. Turns out I had been hemming and hawing about a 5 minute task! Now if I don’t feel like doing it, I just remind myself – it’s 5 minutes, get it done now and enjoy your evening helloanon.

      1. I need to do this. I came back from a trip on Tuesday and my suitcase is half unpacked. I also have dirty dishes in the sink. Dishes and anything like packing/unpacking/folding are my least favorite chores to do.

      2. Yeah I’m good at continuing the momentum so on Sunday I take a few hours to go food shopping and meal prep, clean the apartment and do laundry. But, I’m terrible with inertia. So, doing my HW in small chunks or unloading the dishwasher not on a Sunday or my current struggle: breaking down a few Amazon boxes that are on my kitchen table and have been for 2 weeks.

        1. Oof you’ve just named something that I’ve been struggling with for years. Would love to hear any tips on overcoming that inertia.

    6. Not sure this is what you’re looking for but when I’m feeling scattered, I just revert to my ‘defaults’. Those include: I clean my kitchen on Thursdays and don’t cook on Friday night (I love going into the weekend with a clean kitchen and empty sink). I stick to my morning routine ( for me that’s iced coffee in bed with news, hot coffee at desk with PhD writing for 2 hrs) and my evening routine (before closing work for the day I set up my first morning tasks for the next day and review my weekly calendar/to do list). Weekly planning Sunday early evenings and then no plans so I can read, take a walk, or do something relaxing just for myself before starting the week. Basically having set days where I expect to do certain tasks so each week has an expected rhythm I can just float along with, bookending my day with structured time, and making sure there is at least one chunk of time where I am planning not to do anything at all

  8. Does anyone get huge amounts of pain during massages? I know they aren’t meant to be comfort but I’m talking silent-screaming-in-the-pillow level of pain. I’ve had this with numerous masseuses, despite them using “light” to “mid” level pressure. And it’s across most of my body, including parts of my back, much of my legs, and especially arms. I get bi-weekly massages to help prevent injuries, so I’m pretty used to it, but I’m in such terrible pain that I thought I’d see if others have this issue.

    I feel like this may be connected to a medical issue, but I’m not sure what it would be, so looking for anecdotal evidence.

    1. That seems unusual and I’m intrigued that you do something so painful so regularly. Maybe fibromyalgia or some other nerve thing?

    3. Yes, and it’s the reason I don’t go anymore. I tried multiple places/massage therapists and it hurts so bad.

    4. Why do you keep going if it causes you so much pain? Surely there is some other way to prevent injuries? Like a hot tub?

    5. I do! I wish I had insight into why it hurts so much. I can’t even stand the calf massages that come with a pedicure. They leave me with purple bruises all up the sides of my legs which is a far worse look than having plain toenails.

      1. Omg same, I always lean over and say “that’s ok” when they start with the calf massage. They always bruise me and are never pleasant.

    6. Maybe you are hypertonic? I’d perhaps try to see a physical therapist who does body work, maybe someone certified in functional manual therapy. That kind of pain is a sign something is wrong and it could affect you later in life.

    7. Why on earth would you do this to yourself? Massage is not a necessity. You can work to prevent injury through good training and stretching.

    8. This reminds me of the old joke:

      Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this! (demonstrates)
      Doctor: Well, then, don’t do that!

    9. If you are trying to prevent injuries, I’d explore either yin yoga or thai massage, where the therapist assists you in various stretches while you are clothed. It could also be that these massages are too frequent. Unless you’re like an olympic level athlete, I think you are probably having constant inflammation from these massages. Your body isn’t recovering from them.

    11. Is this a new problem, and massages were fine in the past?
      What kind of massage are you getting? The deep tissue ones that are essentially tearing up connective tissues and are meant to be painful, that are popular among the pro athletes?

      Unless you are like a pro athlete carefully followed by a trainer/doc with some sort of intensive plan getting ready for the olympics after a severe injury, I am not sure why you are doing this? It is not normal, or recommended.

    12. Yes! I hate them and then I usually get some sort of muscle cramp, especially in my neck, that lasts for days afterwards. I’m better off without them.

  9. Has anyone had (or had a kid go to) pragmatic language speech therapy? Kiddo is able to speak and it’s not like she has a speech impediment or a lisp, but has Asperger’s (which I think is just called autism now) and the thinking is that it will help her actually interact with other people better. This was all identified as a need pre-COVID and she regressed a lot with communication skills then when our schools closed. Just now we have finally found a spot and gotten in with a person after being on a waitlist elsewhere for something like years. I confess that I can see practicing talking with a kind grownup to be beneficial, as she does not have a lot of friends to practice with (and eats lunch alone often). I just don’t know if it will be a fun thing for her or we could actually expect some progress with things that may just be how she is made. Thank you.

    1. All this will do is teach her how to mask. Masking is basically putting on a performance for the comfort of neurotypical people. As long as you go into it with the understanding that masking is a temporary tool for the benefit of other people you’ll be fine, but you can’t expect someone with to mask all the time as it has negative mental effects.

      1. I’m just wondering, if ADHD is a life-long condition, wouldn’t it be more likely that as a person enters the job market that this becomes more needed (vs less or reading a status of being done with something)? Like I know a lot of lawyers who I don’t think are on the spectrum at all who have needed coaching (I think it was a career coach) in how to work on their communication skills. And I get that “masking” is seen as bad, but helpful for working with others who are different from how you are. I think we all in different ways adopt to the situation we are in, so how we are at a funeral is not how we are at a bar mitzvah (even though they are both “church manners”), etc., etc. Some of us get it by osmosis, but it’s not always easy to know very specific social rules.

      2. I am not so sure about the universal disdain for masking. Some types of constant masking are clearly exhausting. But for a person who wants or needs to get along socially and in conversation, can perceive that they are not acting like other people, and is stressed out by this, wouldn’t learning the “rules” make things easier and less stressful?

      3. Well that sounds incredibly valuable if she wants to live independently, have a job and a not miserable social experience as she grows up.

        1. Not exactly, trying to mask and not be yourself makes autistic people miserable too. It sucks that neurotypical people have no idea how hard it is to just pretend not to be autistic for a few hours.

          1. But for key life skills like job interviews, it is better to just crash and burn? I’m not sure what a fix is that doesn’t involve some sort of not-doing-what-is-most-comfortable. Any ideas?

      4. Honest question — Is it possible that an individual may make some legitimate improvements (i.e., not just masking)? Of course you’re not going make a 180-degree shift, but I also think it’s doing kids a disservice in the long term if they don’t have at least a chance to strengthen these skills. I’m coming at this from the perspective of a parent of a neurodiverse child. I have no illusions that we’re going to fully change his natural inclinations, nor would I want to, but I can’t stand by and just say “Welp, that’s the way it is, we’re not going to help him develop certain skills that are needed to live a full, independent life.” Holding your kid back … also is not great for their mental health.

        1. + 1 million. If one more person tells me that my kid is doing “well enough considering” and we should just let them flounder when the kid is not happy and wants to improve skills, I will scream.

      5. Isn’t masking more about trying to make neurodivergent people hide behaviors that are uncomfortable to others (like stimming) that don’t impede the quality of life for the person in question? Developing ways to communicate better can help her daughter self advocate and express herself as an individual.

        1. This is correct. It’s just hard to know sometimes what an individual speech therapist is going to offer. Behavioral training to pretend to not be autistic in conversational contexts whether communication is happening or not? Or insight into the conversational norms and expectations of society designed to minimize misunderstandings?

          I agree that communicating successfully, self-advocating, and expression should be the goals, but speech therapy is all over the place on this (they’re still working on not straight up pathologizing regional and world English accents, so the normative culture is strong, but that also means that some practitioners are self aware and trying to change things).

      6. I don’t see this as encouraging masking per se – more like giving her the tools to mask if she so chooses. it’s like learning French, you don’t have to speak it all the time but if you’re going to France you might want to dust those skills off.

        if she can’t hold a conversation right now, she needs those skills.

        I just did a quick search on the FB group Autism Inclusivity, where a lot of people kneejerk call anything masking/ableist, and there don’t seem to be any major threads calling it that.

        not in DC but this website looks like it gives you a good idea of ways pragmatic therapy can and can not be ableist so you can assess how ableist her therapist is. https://therapistndc.org/therapy/non-ableist-pragmatic-language-therapy/

    2. I don’t have any experience so can’t help you with any of that. But it strikes me as significant that now, when you finally have a spot, you’re second-guessing or losing hope or getting anxious. Is there something we can do for you, that will help you with whatever you’re experiencing?

      1. OP here — it’s not that, it’s more trying to coordinate absences with the school, IEP, things like that. Like the school is willing to do speech if it relates to the sounds kids make, and then nothing in middle school for kids in mainstream schools, so we have to do this on our own and I need to plan work around that. Logistics! It would be so much easier to get more help if it could be at school, but that won’t be what is on the menu for us, so need to navigate holidays, school, 2 working parents, getting sibling to school. [And agree — one place we were on the waitlist for wanted to do 30-40 hours of ABA per week without even meeting her and I was just scratching my head b/c her pediatrian wanted her in ABA and I really thought that since she missed so much school for COVID, I was not wanting her to miss anymore.] There is also a LOT of politics in the ASD community, so I tend to just watch my kid, but also have no peer group of working moms with kids who have challenges but also could go on to college and a job if they can manage the social skills to do both. It’s a pretty lonely world.

        1. i don’t know what her specific challenges are, but does she do any other types of therapy, like OT? Because if she does, maybe they could incorporate it there.

          1. She’s never been flagged for anything, likely b/c she isn’t disruptive and isn’t “too” disabled. Just disabled enough to be relentlessly teased and bullied when she was younger. I don’t really know where to turn to for help.

    3. I did speech therapy when I was 5 or so for a speech impediment (I said my “R”s as “W”s), and it was long ago but I remember it being so much fun. It was a lot of games and (little) prizes along with work and practice. I loved going. And it worked. So while I can’t speak to the specific reason you’re looking for speech therapy, I can tell you that it can hopefully be fun with the right therapist.

    4. Can you find a social skills coaching group/individual coach and ask them about their approach? Imho there is a BIG difference between teaching masking (you MUST maintain eye contact AND have a firm handshake AND make small talk constantly, etc.) vs. working with the kid to understand what they want to improve on/non-negotiable social skills and work on ways to make those more achievable. This is harder to find but I couldn’t put my kid through an ABA bootcamp style ‘training’.
      For example – my neurodivergent kid simply didn’t know the social script of how to talk to new kids (and he expressed that he very much wanted to). His therapist/social skills group (with kids his age) all worked on introductions/turn taking and easy questions/observations (I like your hat/sneakers/t-shirt, what school do you go to? have you played/done this activity before? etc.). They also worked on some ‘tricks’ of how to interact with neurotypicals – if you’re talking to someone make sure your mouth is facing in their direction (don’t talk to your shoes, or at their back) or they may not hear you. If you don’t want to make eye contact glance up at them from time to time or focus on a spot between their eyes, etc.

      1. My kiddo has a social skills small group at school, and getting the scripts was very helpful. If you want to play catch, say “do you want to play catch with me” instead of silently grabbing the ball out the other kid’s hand and fling it at them while they are crying.

        1. My kid went to a school that had a social skills group, but only for boys. Public school and they should have known better.

    6. Yes, Asperger’s has been a dead diagnosis since 2013.

      I look at all therapies for my autistic kid as good if they’re giving him tools he can use. (We don’t do ABA.) My guy is 8 and has serious deficits in syntax (his sentences come out in the wrong order), but I think we are getting more into pragmatic speech — which includes being able to infer things, as well as being coached on having a conversation about topics of other people’s choosing.

      It probably will not be fun for her — the more challenging it is the more she probably needs it. I think they would be useful tools to have, though, going into high school/college/first jobs.

      1. I think it is dead and yet not dead. We have friends who still use it because NT people understand Asperger’s as “is in regular school and maybe smart but definitely quirky.” But if you say “autism,” they go to the far end of the spectrum, maybe to include co-morbidities that are not in fact autism, and it tends to be very prejudicial place to put any kid, much less one that doesn’t fairly describe.

        1. people who still use Asperger’s are ableist. They’re saying “I’m kind of autistic but not like THOSE autistics.”

          (trying to give benefit of the doubt to OP whose daughter may have actually been initially diagnosed with Asperger’s depending on her age.)

          1. Nice.

            If you say your kid is disabled though, I bet you will get piled on because she isn’t disabled enough. You can’t win sometimes.

            FWIW, most adults and older teens have an actual Asperger’s diagnosis if they qualified for it. Then the DSM changed, but they may see themselves and identify with that diagnosis. Apparently, labels are still different in the US vs some European countries (PDA, etc.).

          2. Well autism has a huge range of abilities. Leaving the Asperger’s term specifically aside, are you saying that people can’t describe what part of the spectrum applies? The lack of terminology makes it very difficult for me to research things for my kid.

          3. To the person asking how to research things for your kid – if you’re looking up Asperger’s you’re going to find a lot of older information from a time where people maybe didn’t understand that Aspies had the wild swings in ability to deal with sensory issues, people, etc. Functioning labels (level 1, 2, 3, HFA, LFA) are also disliked for this reason – the idea is that any autistic, at any day, might be able to function well in some areas and not in others.

            The preferred language these days focuses on what supports are needed. I would say that my autistic child is verbal but has language delays as well as sensory processing and behavior challenges.

            “Profound autism” I think is the term that is being used to describe nonverbal autistics; there was just an article in Spectrum about how it should really be its own diagnosis.
            https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/its-time-to-embrace-profound-autism/

          4. Calling people who have a legitimate diagnosis ableist for using the term they like best for themselves is not a great look, 12:24.

          5. I mean, it was the diagnosing experts who were ableist. “This autistic person is the good kind who shouldn’t be Aktion T4d actually” is all kinds of messed up. But it’s on the person making the diagnosis. It’s also the experts’ fault that so many people actually diagnosed with autism didn’t have comorbid medical conditions and learning disabilities properly diagnosed as they chalked everything up to autism alone.

          6. Sometimes I just need to convey “I am capable of carrying on a conversation, interacting professionally for extended periods, and generally functioning in society; I do not do well with loud noises, certain textures, or small talk”. Many of the people I need to explain this to are in their 50s, and are from a time when that was what Asperger’s meant. I am not willing to accept the idea that using terminology that gets the accommodations I need makes me ableist.

            (Yes, there is a broader movement towards the idea that none of us are any different, that there’s no reason to distinguish between people whose condition is severe enough to need full-time carers and will never be able to work and people who are fine with unobtrusive supports. My opinion is that this does a disservice to everyone involved. Someone who needs full-time carers should not be expected to perform at the level of someone who just needs noise-canceling earbuds.)

  10. Reminder to fellow Georgia residents that tomorrow is the last day to early vote. Otherwise election day is Tuesday!

  11. For those who work out at lunch, how do you do it? I have a gym in my office that has done great workout classes during lunch that I’d love to try but I’m not sure how to make it work.

    Gym has full locker room with showers, many toiletries, and hair dryers. I have the ability to rent a locker to keep stuff there too.

    My thought would be to rinse off with a body shower, wash my face and reapply makeup and dry shampoo my hair. Luckily my hair, skincare and makeup routines are simple: give myself a blow out with the Revlon, daytime skincare is just toner, eye cream and spf moisturizer, and makeup is just CC cream, eyeliner, mascara and occasionally lip gloss or blush (if I’m looking washed out).

    1. I just lowered my standards for afternoons after a workout. I’ll shower so I’m not actually smelly, but typically don’t wash hair (either leave it up or just brush it out). Similarly for makeup – I may refresh powder and eye liner, but I don’t take off/put back on the full face.

      2. Lol same. I swim and I’ll make sure my mascara isn’t smeared everywhere (or wear waterproof if I know I’m going to the gym) and at least point the gym hair dryers at my head for a second, but otherwise I don’t worry too much.

        1. Wait…you swim in the middle of the work day? I could not imagine being able to do this.

          1. Yup. But meetings or client interactions on days I’m in the office are extremely rare.

      3. Am I the only person who sweats when she works out? If I didn’t remove my makeup before a workout, it would be a total disaster and my face would break out. When I worked in an office and worked out at lunch, I would either just do mascara and eyeliner in the morning and then put on makeup after working out or do full makeup in the morning and then just mascara and eyeliner after working out, depending on whether I was taking an earlier or later lunch/workout and when my meetings were.

        1. Nope, you are not the only one. I could never work out as vigorously as I would want and then go back to the office.

    2. That’s what I do but wash face and reapply makeup looks more like ‘wipe off face and touch up eyeliner if necessary. ‘ I also don’t use dry shampoo but just dry my hair using the cool setting on a hair dryer. I keep shoes, a pack with deodorant, hairbrush and a subset of make up in a bag in my desk (but could be a locker) and I just use gallon ziploc bags for a full workout outfit and clean pair of undies. That’s the part that goes back and forth to my home every day and I leave a clean set at work whenever possible. Have fun! I find it to be such a huge energizer.

    3. This is why I work out in the morning. No one is doing a full hour workout and getting back to the office on time. Maybe a 1.5-2 hour lunch is ok once a week but not every day. Working out for ~30 minutes and spending almost as much time changing, showering, redoing makeup/hair, changing again is a huge time suck. If the purpose is just to get up and move midday, better to do something light and not-sweaty like walking on the treadmill so you don’t lose so much time.

      1. +1. At one point, I tried the mid-day workout thing and quickly realized that was not going to be sustainable. It’s a pain in every way. I’ll walk during my lunch break, but absolutely nothing that’s going to require a change of clothes or a shower.

      3. I can’t even go for a walk without getting sweaty! I’m just a sweaty person. This is why I don’t understand people who bike to work and still manage to look presentable.

    4. When I had access to a gym like that at work, I usually worked out for a half hour, then put my hair up in a bun for a shower. Soap, water, face wash, back into clothes, quick makeup, brush out hair.

    6. I regularly fit in 30 minute workouts or a yoga/pilates class on my lunch hour. While I never run or do cardio, I can lift for 30 minutes or do strength work without getting too sweaty. I get my runs in either in the morning or at night after work, and focus on PT exercises or lifting weights at lunch.

    7. I would do light (not power) yoga, mobility work, or other light activities at lunch and then use wipes quickly. It was the fastest method. No shower, hair wash, makeup changes — just a change of clothes and wipes. However, I did pick activities that didn’t cause too much sweat.

  12. Is it allowable and/or typical for HR to require employees to sign a waiver allowing the employer to check their driving records on a regular basis? This would affect employees who travel and may rent cars or claim mileage, but don’t drive company vehicles or drive in the course of performing their actual job functions. The claim is that this is required “for workers’ comp.”

    1. IDK but I always thought that drivers records were public records of a sort that there is no real privacy expectation. Maybe I’m wrong on that but my insurance carrier always knows when I have gotten a speeding ticket.

      1. At least in my state, someone would have to have a release to get driving records. An insurance gets the info because the contract the person sign with the company has a release in it. I’m sure that’s the case everywhere. One individual can’t just go to the DMV and ask for the driving records for another person.

        Having said that, I suspect requiring this kind of release is legal in an employment context, but you need to contact a lawyer if you’re really concerned because this type of law varies WILDLY by state.

        1. Another thing is that some matters are always public b/c in some states motor vehicle violations are crimes (at a certain level of bad-ness) and in some, MV laws are separate and unless it’s also death-by-auto, you would only easily be able to know if a person went to court to contest it (not if they just paid the ticket).

        2. In a lot of states you could easily find this information through a court docket search.

    2. My employer (state university) requires it for some types of employees but not others, though all of the jobs that require it require some amount of driving or travel. It’s disclosed in the job posting that this is a requirement for the job.

    3. When I was a GC at a small (200 person) company, we did this. It might be a requirement built into their insurance (workers comp or general liability).

      1. What did you do if an employee who was hired before the requirement was imposed didn’t want to sign? It seems incredibly intrusive and unnecessary.

        1. Then you don’t travel for the company, which limits your ability to do your job.

  13. Going off the post above – I think I would really benefit from an ADHD coach, and have been having a tough time finding one in NYC. I’ve gone to a therapist and pscyhiatrist and am on meds and it works great, but I think something ADHD specific would be helpful. Any suggestions on where to look?

    1. Maybe on ADDitude magazine? My EAP/Insurance also specifically lists therapists with experience with ADHD. You may also want to look for ‘executive functioning skills’ coaching.

  14. Is anyone aware of a dead bedroom board for women? The subreddit of that name seems to be mostly men who offload all adult responsibilities onto their wives and then complain that their wives don’t want them anymore. It’s eyeroll inducing and not applicable to me at all. I can’t possibly be the only high drive woman married to a low drive man. I feel like a community of women might be more constructive for me. Any suggestions?

    1. No suggestions, but following. You are certainly not alone! My husband is an excellent partner in all other respects, but we haven’t gardened for over a year at this point. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t really want to be celibate either. All attempts of discussion have fallen on deaf ears. It’s extremely frustrating.

    2. I don’t know of anything, just here to say me too. We’ve gardened twice since Labor Day.

    3. S*x ver 30 on redd*t might be a place to start. Has people if all s*CES and perspectives.

    4. Not a community, but advice columnists do reply to women in your situation. It’s not unusual. Search Carolyn Hax, maybe Dan Savage and Dear Prudence to at least see some advice given?

    6. Usual questions: low drive or is his desire responsive rather than spontaneous? Does he have shame or health issues? Has his doctor measured his testosterone?

      1. +1

        It’s amazing how much treating low T can help some people.
        Women too! We can have low testosterone…

    7. I would love this community (just reading the responses here was really validating!). We haven’t gardened since some time over the summer. He’s always had a much lower drive than I do, and it’s always been frustrating, but he’s put on a lot of weight since the pandemic and I can’t seem to convince him that I still find him attractive. I love him and don’t want advice to leave him over this (we’ve been together for more than 25 years).

      1. Same, but a lot longer ago – both the weight gain and the lack sex.
        So I have basically become accostumed to no sex except the occasional furtive m*sturbation.

        For me it was very frustrating for a long time, particularly because we used to have amazing gardening.

  15. Since we’ve been doing updates, is the poster whose coworker stayed in her apartment and broke the stovetop still around? Did you ever find out anything else about what happened?

  16. Does anyone have thoughts on the large national law firm’s termination of Robin Keller for expressing support for the Dobbs decision? There’s obviously free expression concerns implicated, but on the issue of abortion (and race), I think the firm is correct in its decision. Views such as hers (as I understand them) are simply outside of acceptable discourse, and her termination is more-than-justified.

    1. She was not fired for supporting Donna stop spreading misinformation. She said blatantly racist things on a call. That is the reason.

        1. Her comment about Blacks having a disproportionate number of abortions.

          View 1: the embryo/foetus/whatever is of no consequence, so mentioning the fact that Black women abort at higher rates (and further saying that this is a bad thing) is racist.

          View 2: the abortion industry is deeply racist, the embryo is a human, and therefore, the higher rates of abortion in the Black community perpetuate racism and is done to reduce the number of Black babies.

          1. IIRC Margaret Sanger was a horrible racist. I think that some PPs are now acknowledging that and distancing themselves from her.

    2. This might be semantics, but how can expressing support for a supreme court decision possibly be outside the acceptable discourse? It might have been an issue for this private employer who saw it as harming their business, as is their prerogative. But let’s not get this confused with cancel culture.

      1. This is a rightwing tr0ll who is characterizing the progressive position this way to make it look insane.

      2. I think a law firm should know better than to schedule calls like that. And lawyers should know better than to be on them, especially if they have any religious or conservative leanings. If you want therapy, go to a therapist who is bound to hold your confidences and not get you fired.

    3. I’m not sure what the free expression concerns are. That amendment applies to government actions, and a private law firm is not a government actor.

      1. +1 private firms can fire people for any reason that isn’t prohibited by discrimination laws (or for no reason at all). There is no protected class for people who make gross comments.

        1. A lot of states give you 1A rights that are broader. I’d actually be more concerned about that as an employer.

          1. What are you talking about? What state says that a private employer is required to keep employing someone who says things they don’t like?

          2. I think that if you look at this as speech but as religion, it gets a lot more muddy. If I am Jewish and believe that my religion does not prohibit abortion, and I get to say that at work on a work call (WORKPLACES: do not hold such calls!), then what about the person who believes that abortion is murder and says so? I don’t think we want that sort of entanglement at work and it ought to be avoided. I question the law firm’s judgment in even having this call. WTF were they thinking?!

          3. Umm the firm didn’t fire her because she said she believed life started at conception, take a look at the actual things she said

      2. Being able to spew my politics on social media without fear of repercussions is one of the only good things about working for a state university :)

    4. “There’s obviously free expression concerns implicated”
      Why? Unless she works for the government, she doesn’t have free speech rights with respect to her employment. She can say whatever she wants, but a private employer can fire her for her speech. You would think a lawyer would know this….

        1. Can you explain why? I don’t understand why a private employer can’t fire someone for their speech. I know some government contractors fall under the “government” umbrella too, but I’ve never heard of a law firm that was classified that way.

          1. Speech that borders on any aspect of religious observance or beliefs is something we’d avoid if there were any overlap at all.

    5. I haven’t been following this story, but I will say free speech only protects you from government actions that deny your right to free speech. Employers can fire you for making public comments that they don’t like. They can fire you for almost any reason or no reason, as long as it is not one of the limited exceptions. Eg they cant fire you because of your age if you are over 40, your race, your gender, your religion, and I think there may be one or two other things but that’s pretty much it. Those are the federal rules and some states have additional protections for sexual orientation but not all.

    6. There is a WSJ editorial today, which is probably where this comes from.

      I am a total cynic, but any time your employer wants to you to share your opinion, STFU. Take the 5th if you have to. Sharing in a work context is always the wrong move, even on something totally vanilla.

    7. The firm is obviously incorrect on the issue of abortion – to say that you can’t work there unless pro-choice is whacked.

      1. Uh did you see the comments she made? There’s a difference between being anti-choice (or pro-life as many like to falsely call themselves) and spouting racist nonsense in front of hundreds of people.

      3. From what I have read she was not fired for supporting Dobbs but because She said that black women who get abortions are committing genocide.

  17. How could you style yesterday’s green dress in winter? I have a Kelly green colored dress that is very similar, but it feels like a summer dress.

    1. Is it a summer fabric? Then I’d hold off. Voile doesn’t winter well. If it looks off vs holiday festive with black tights, then it probably IS a summer dress. But black tights and black loose jacket (vs blazer) or swacket. Some sort of black / green / white / red seasonal scarf to make all of the pairings look intentional.

  18. I really like the look of this brand’s blouses, but they’re not very well reviewed. They’re also polyester, meaning if I wore them I’d start to stink in about an hour.

    1. Omg thank you, I thought it was just me! I run cold so I am always baffled by how I can be both freezing AND sweaty in some of these blouses (same issue at Ann Taylor). I’ve had to swap to natural fibers.

  19. Update on my post from Monday about MIL crying because I asked her and FIL to please avoid hot topics at our upcoming Christmas party and then her saying they weren’t coming because we were ashamed of them. I didn’t respond – partly I was busy, partly I was thinking I’d give her time to cool off, partly because I was still avoiding it. Well she texted this morning with pics of her newly installed Christmas decor and said she was looking forward to coming to the party and loved us and was excited to be there.

    Well, ok. That was unexpected!

    But I have no doubt after all the drama that they WILL be on their best behavior. I’ve assigned my mother to please watch FIL and keep him from wandering up to people and saying inappropriate things about Hallmark’s programming…or worse. Fortunately for party gaffes, FIL is partly disabled and is likely to just park it in a chair in a corner, rather than wandering around.

    (Oh, and a few people encouraged me to respond to FIL’s (or anyone’s) remarks in the moment, rather than broadly painting with a brush later. I did address it in the moment, then mentioned 30 minutes later about no hot topics. Btw, MIL wasn’t present for any of this between me and FIL. At the time FIL made the comments about the movies, I said in a thoughtful-tone-so-as-not-to-have-him-close-his-ears-against-his-“woke”-DIL, “Well, I think they want to make the movies look more like America. There are lots of all-white movies out there; there aren’t that many movies that show all of us.” [more Fox News bluster] “You have a remote and can change the channel if you want.” To which he responded, “But it’s a good story! I like the movie! I just wish there weren’t so many Black people in it.” To which I gave him the universally recognized No You Didn’t look: raised eyebrows, big eyes, and lowered chin, then silently went back to my breakfast. Silence, I think, can be just as effective as words, sometimes more so. I said as much in the moment as I felt it prudent to say, given that he’s family and I didn’t want to start a fight. (I’m trying to win the war, not just a battle.) Then I said the hot topics bit later when the party came up as we were saying our goodbyes.)

    Anyways, I’ll update everyone. Our party isn’t until the 17th, so it’ll be a few weeks yet.

    1. Man … if my FIL had said he “wished there weren’t so many Black people” in a movie – or anywhere else – he would not be getting an invite to my party. Or to my house at all.

      1. +1

        Yeah, I think I would have been perfectly happy to say “Great, see ya!” if my racist relatives threatened not to come to my party.

      2. Yup. But I also have a FIL who behaved so badly at my house over Thanksgiving (not racism but other ways) that he was told he’s never allowed back.

      3. That’s easy to say and difficult to execute in real life. The bottom line is that her father-in-law is her husband’s parent and he is not going away or going anywhere. She can start World War III in her family by disinviting her in-laws to the holiday party over a truly terrible remark, or she can judiciously move forward (and it seems like that’s what she is doing) and preserve relationships.

        My grandparents were pretty racist, having grown up in the Deep South in the 1930s and 1940s. Rather than cutting them out of our lives, we just called them on their behavior. After being called out multiple times by multiple children and grandchildren, my grandfather finally stopped casually using the n-word and admitted he understood why it was wrong to use it. And then when my aunt came out as a lesbian, they really had to recalibrate their view of the world and their acceptance of people, because one of the amorphous “gays” was their own child. I don’t think my grandparents would have changed their perspectives or their behavior had we abandoned them because they said racist things. I absolutely believe in calling out bad behavior and terrible viewpoints when I see them. But I am not going to cut off family members because they say those things; I am going to hang in there and continue to try to educate. And also try to love them for who they are, which is not necessarily who I want them to be.

        1. I understand why someone shouldn’t be cut off but I don’t think it is okay to invite them to events where they will make others feel uncomfortable. You either pick the racist family member or POC family member/friends when hosting. I am Indian and my FIL, also Indian is very anti-muslim. We only invite him to family only events because our guests should not have to put up with his ignorant and hateful comments. As a POC myself, I would rather not be invited to a party than go and be exposed to racist people.

        2. I agree with this with the caveat that I don’t invite these types of family members to events where other people are likely to be if avoidable.

    2. Woof. I think you handled that quite well, and it makes a lot more sense for your MIL to be so affronted if she wasn’t there for that exchange. Hope they behave at the party.

    3. Sounds like you handled it well in the moment, and MIL’s lack of context makes more sense now. You’re a better person than I am for inviting these two to the party.

    4. Genuine question – if this is described as “inappropriate political conversation” what do you regard as being racist?

      This is not marginal, dog whistle speech or coded language. This is flat out racism

      1. +1
        This isn’t Fox News, which tends to have a thin veneer of some other concern.This is really blatant.

        Also are you having some kind of only white folks xmas party? Can’t you just say “since y’all don’t want Black folks around maybe skip our party?” Not sure how the mil could act like the victim there.

          1. If you have in-laws who are racist and close to spouse/partner, do your POC friends a favor and don’t invite the friends. They don’t need to be exposed to racists for the sake of your relationship though it totally seems reasonable for you to make that trade-off for yourself.

          2. Yes, and I do not tolerate racism from them.

            I don’t get how this is acceptable on any level.

            Again, this is not an “off-color” comments. This conversation as described is blatantly like 1940s style racist. How is this acceptable from anyone?

            It’s wild to me that anyone would tolerate this.

  20. A vent that I don’t think many people here can relate to, but I need to vent it somewhere.

    DH is in the military. There is still some 1950s expectations for spouses that mirrors what the board was talking about yesterday with public schools expecting volunteers to trot on down to the school in the middle of the day on short notice. DH’s commander’s wife has decided to throw a Christmas party for their department at 11:00 on a weekday. Great, fine, she wants to throw them a Christmas party, she can knock her socks off. Except I get an email this morning explaining that she’ll be catering the entrée and will myself or another wife please pick up X, Y, and Z for the party. Wait. This office party is your idea. Why am I being drafted? And then DH tells me that it’s a Christmas party for everyone in the department AND their spouses. At 11:00 on a weekday.

    I… WTH. Come on. Are you kidding? But I can’t not go, so apparently I’m losing most of a day of work to go to my husband’s conference room and eat sandwiches? What on EARTH. AND I also have to make cookies to give to the young kids living in the “dorms” because it might be their first Christmas away from home – those are also due at 11:00 on a weekday. (That one is at least a sweet cause.) In addition to the cookies, could I please sponsor a Starbucks gift package at $8 each to give them cocoa, a mug, and a gift card, for as many as I can afford?

    OMG. And it’s like this all year long. Worse at the holidays, of course, but this is just constant. When DH is in charge someday, and thus I’m the wife leading all this nonsense, I’m ending all of it. The good idea fairy has run amok for long enough! (Except maybe the cookies. That seems kind for kids away from home for the first time and eating cafeteria food for every meal.)

    1. Ooooh, this would make my blood boil, and I’m betting you can’t get out of it without there being consequences for your DH. I would phone it in, as much as you’re able.

      2. Did y’all see the pseudo-commercial for Covid that SNL showed the other night?
        All of that. “So sorry, I woke up this morning with body aches and congestion…I don’t want to go to the party in case I have Covid!”

    4. I can’t directly relate, but wanted to let you know that I hear you!
      I get the same vibes from school on occasion. I have a lot of flexibility, IF I KNOW THREE WEEKS IN ADVANCE.
      I am getting better at saying No without guilt, but it would be harder if it was my spouse’s boss.

    5. Military wife and biglaw partner here. Just don’t do it. Don’t buy into the nonsense that you can’t NOT do it. You have a career. Yes you are in the minority. No you are not the only one. If it’s affected DH’s career at all it’s positive: DH’s commanders have always respected me and by extension him because of my career.

      We both support each other’s careers. I attend his workday things when I don’t have a lot going on (which is to say rarely), I write generous checks to their fundraisers, and I tap my network when it’s helpful to them. He attends spouse-included dinners and conferences with me when he can get leave.

      If you’ve already bowed to pressure at this command then I think you’re going to have more trouble changing the rules now. Not to say you shouldn’t push back. But keep in mind for the next command – start as you mean to continue. Be very matter of fact that you have a career and do not have the availability that “normal wives” might have. Think about what other skills (or cash) you might be able to contribute since you can’t contribute the gift of your time.

      1. While I am not a military wife, I have plenty of friends and family that have careers and break the mold. There are more of you than you think — you just don’t see them because they will also not be at the party in the middle of the day.

      2. This.

        I have several female friends who are colonels and all of their spouses work (some area also military). Your husband can bring the cookies with him and it may actually be seen as charming. You can just work your job.

    6. I was that spouse, and I completely understand your frustration. Husband made it very clear whenever we’d get to a new unit that I worked full time/had a career, and would help how I could, but that didn’t mean I’d be any FRG leader or be running things. Depending on the year/location, it looked a lot like sending store bought goods (i’d send my stuff with DH to work in the mornings), showing up during my lunch break for an hour then leaving, or only committing to helping with after work things. I did always support the cookie drives, and especially sending care packages to deployed members (having been deployed several times I always looked forward to those – especially ones you could tell had been packed by women!)

      There was the two year stretch though when DH was in command and I think every. single. member. had a baby. I made so many GD lasagnas…..sigh.

      1. I have no idea why but the phrase “I made so many GD lasagnas” made be laugh out loud.

    7. Can you not go but buy quite a few of the Starbucks cards if its in your budget? “Oh no, I’d LOVE to be there but I can’t. Thank you SO much for hosting this and here is $160 for 20 Starbucks cards. I love that you are doing this”

    9. One of my female profs in grad school was asked by a stay at home mom neighbor where she went during the day. As in- “I see you leave at 8am each day- where do you go?” It is fascinating to me that even today there’s subcultures where the women do not work and do not know anyone who works.

      1. I think it is more difficult for military spouses to maintain careers than for others because of the frequent moves.

    10. What happens to your husband if you don’t do these things? If it’s bad, can he just cook and bring the item with him to work?

      I’m a mom with a very flexible schedule. I do the elementary school stuff that’s either a) necessary (ie, taking care of my kids when there’s a random day off or when they’re sick) or b) I want to do. I also contribute generously in accordance with my budget.

      Do people think I should step up more? Maybe. Do I care? Not at all. I would resent the heck out of people who came up with lovely programs if I was required to participate. By only participating in what I want to do, I can appreciate that they’re lovely, thoughtful people doing kind things for children and teachers.

      I also like to think by having fewer well-off, well-educated moms who don’t have big jobs step up for everything, it makes more room for other parents to get involved.

    11. They’ll respect you more if you say you have a work thing that you can’t miss.

  21. Looking for anecdata…. Anyone experience thinning hair and successfully treated it? I’m 46, white, always had fine hair but lately I’ve noticed it thinning at my hairline at the top of my head. Last pregnancy was 7 yrs ago, so definitely not postpartum.

    I’ll go to my PCP and gyn, but the appointment for the PCP is 6 weeks from now and the gyn in March…

      1. Does it work better for women than men? My dad is nearly completely bald despite twice daily Rogaine application starting when he had a barely receding hairline in his 30s.

        1. It’s not really a gender issue with Rogaine. It works better for some types of hair loss than others. It also can stop working after a certain amount of time (I think when the disorder progresses to a certain point). And it doesn’t work at all for some people for reasons unknown. From my extensive convos with my dermatologist, it seems like treating hair loss can be much more art than science at a certain point.

    2. I’d suggest going to your dermatologist instead of the gym for this issue. The derm will run tests including vitamin and hormone issues plus will analyze your hair and the hair loss to determine what you’re dealing with. Sometimes it’s very easy to treat (vitamin deficiency).

      Echoing the other poster that topical Rogaine works for a lot of people, including me. There are other relatively mild oral meds that can help, too. A lot of types of hair loss are progressive, meaning that you can only preserve what you have the moment you start treatment, so you should get to the derm ASAP.

    3. Same issue here, I’m 40. I saw a dermatologist who told me to use Rogaine as it’s the only thing that works in her view. I’m using the one for men for 3 months now and seeing some new baby hairs around my forehead and widow’s peak.

    4. Have you even been on this forum before?
      Search the archives. There have been a TON of posts on this topic with useful information recently.

      1. Searching doesn’t work well on this site, and some threads are more informative than others. Of course there are people who are new to this site all the time. Topics get repeated on this site all the time.

        And since most of us will have hair loss at some point in our life, I totally appreciate the discussions of this issue – which is both medical AND related to fashion/style/sense of self/confidence, which is what this website is all about. Isn’t it?

    5. Agree with the others.

      You are at the age where many of us will start to have age/genetics/hormone related hair thinning. I found that my primary care and gyn were totally dismissive of it… “perimenopausal”…. “normal”…. but they were wrong, and actually are so used to this complaint in women they are relatively dismissive of it. But it is still worth checking in, because there are common medical issues that are contributors to hair loss that are important to treat – like low iron/ferritin stores, other vitamin deficiencies like B12, thyroid dysfunction. But again, most doctors will actually not even check these (!) unless you have other complaints that make them think it is worth checking (eg. heavy periods/fatigue/weight gain etc…) so you need to be your own advocate and think carefully about whether you have any additional issues/symptoms and encourage your doctor to help you with this. If you find that your doctor does not even ask any specific questions about your hair loss (eg. when did it start? where is the loss? any other symptoms?) then they are the wrong person to help, and I wouldn’t push it.

      The best thing is to see a dermatologist, ideally one that shows on their website they are interested in hair loss. Most dermatologists are not knowledgeable about hair loss, unfortunately.

      For most of us, this hair loss is normal/genetic/hormonal related and can’t really be stopped. Even Rogaine doesn’t always help, but there’s little harm in trying for 3 months and it often does help. And if it works for you, and you hate having to do the application every day like I did, there is a pill form that works too.

      If there is anything unusual about the pattern of hair loss (eg. patchy, receding hairline with less diffuse loss, loosing eye brows), or if it is sudden and severe, or if it is associated with pain/irritability on the scalp then definitely get to a dermatologist/hair specialist sooner rather than later. These types of hair loss often have different causes, and some can be reversed. Or some are related to systemic disease / problems that should be diagnosed and treated. Or some result in non-reversible hair loss so you need to get it stopped as soon as possible.

  22. if you have crunchy shoulder/neck issues sometimes, how do you assess when to do: ice, heat, TENS, theragun, massage, PT, doctor?

    1. I do yoga, massage, and then a special type of chiropractor focused on upper cervical adjustments. The chiropractor doesn’t do any cracking stuff, just applies pressure to try to align vertebrae.

    2. I re-evaluate my posture/work/computer set up. If it is associated with pain or any kind of weakness/numbness, I get to the doctor right away. If there is history of arthritis in my family/me or prior injuries to those areas or recent injuries that never got evaluated (!) definitely see a doctor. Sometimes a physiatrist or ortho is more useful than a primary care doctor, and a rhematologist if it turns out you have arthritis that is progressive (eg. osteoarthritis, rhuematoid etc..)

      If it is chronic, I never ever go to a Chiropractor of adjustments on my neck. Why take a chance and give myself a stroke, you know?

      Ice for acute pain/inflammation when it flares, heat for more chronic relief. Definitely massage if you enjoy it and it helps. But PT or OT sooner rather than later, after seeing a doctor first, to make sure there isn’t something else that needs to be addressed. OT can be better about optimizing your ergonomics at work/home, but PT can be better with back stuff. Then you gotta implement their long term recs and stick with them.

      I would only do TENS if recommended by a knowledgeable PT with guidance about how to do it properly. And then, you really gotta stick with the plan. Don’t know about theragun.

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