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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I was just in Uniqlo the other day, and this pleated sleeveless blouse was being displayed with tons of bottoms. It's difficult to find a single view that shows how pretty it is from both the front and back, but it's a floaty, almost misty georgette that is flat in the front but pleated and swingy in the back. Now: I wouldn't plan to throw a blazer or cardigan over this one (although, hmmn: a mini-shrug), so if you need or want to wear sleeves at your workplace, I'd skip the look. (Know your office!) But if you're ok with sleeveless blouses and on the hunt for a swingy, pretty top, at $19 it's hard to go wrong with this one. It's available in four colors, sizes XS-XL; instructions say to hand wash. Pleated Sleeveless Blouse
Psst: I only saw the Supima t-shirts while checking out, so I did not try them on, but for those of you who have been looking for an opaque white t-shirt — give the Uniqlo ones a try. Thick, soft fabric. Also, I was happy to see that this previously recommended dress and cardigan jacket both look great in person.
Here's a similar plus-size blouse with pleats.
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
brexit
So much red. Make it stop!
Wendy
The markets have overreacted as that often do. I am hoping they settle down next week and might do a little bargain-hunting.
Wendy
Arggh – that should read “they often do”.
Kk
I could use a little help from all of you figuring out what to wear on an upcoming vacation to Sao Paulo and Belo Horizonte, Brazil. What does normal out-and-about clothes mean in those two cities? What’s appropriate for dinner?
We’ll be going to a wedding in Belo Horizonte, and I have no idea what’s appropriate to wear for that- do women wear short or long dresses? All I’ve been told is to prepare for a marathon, that the wedding will last all night. I’d appreciate any suggestions!
WhoaBrexit
Both places will super hot and humid. Dress code is pretty casual- think California but with more tight/skin :)
Mosquitoes are aggressive there so bring a few bottles of repellant. I found I was always misplacing mine at hotel , car etc. when I needed it.
Brasil
Background – I lived in Sao Paulo for a number of years
1) Brazilian weddings are typically much more formal than in the US. Long dresses are the norm, and don’t be afraid of color or sparkle. Guests will generally get professional hair and makeup. They do go into the early morning hours, so have some comfortable flats on hand – although many provide havianas as favors.
2) Check the weather in advance. If you are going in the American summer, it will be winter in Brazil. This doesn’t necessarily mean it will be cold, but I’d definitely bring a sweater and plan to layer so you are ready for anything
3) Sao Paulo is more formal than Rio – for example, men can’t wear shorts and havianas to the nicer bars. Dresses, jump suits, nice jeans all work for a night out – dinner or to a balada. Again, don’t be afraid of color. I didn’t wear much black in Brazil. During the day – casual dresses or jeans are fine. The sidewalks can be unkind to heels, so I’d prefer flats or wedges, but it’s up to you.
Sao Paulo doesn’t have much in the way of sightseeing but there is so much good food and the people are wonderful. Hopefully you will have a friend acting as your guide that can give you a local view as that’s really what’s needed in the city.
If you’re doing any shopping (which is more appealing at the current fx rate, just avoid anything imported) I liked the house brand at Daslu and Brooksfield Donna for womenswear and Dumond for shoes.
Kk
thank you!! this is exactly what I was looking for.
I was planning to wear a long jcrew chiffon bridesmaids dress with sparkly jewelry to the wedding- do you think that would be appropriate?
Brasil
That sounds great. The more sparkles the better! Bridesmaids also don’t wear coordinated outfits so it’s a great opportunity to get more use from an existing long bridesmaid dress – less chance of being mistaken for the wedding party
Brasil
My comment just disappeared – in short
Weddings are far more formal in Brazil. Long dresses are the norm as are professional hair and make-up. Bring comfortable flats or havianas for the late night after party
It could be cool if you are going in American summer. Bring layers. At night, dresses/jumpsuits/nice jeans and lots of color work best. during the day more casual dresses or jeans. Nice shorts if hot. Wedges are great if you want height – SP sidewalks tore up my heels. In general, Sao Paulo is fancier than Rio. Not sure about Belo Horizonte
If you are looking to shop while in Sao Paulo, avoid anything imported. Local stores I like include Daslu (the housebrand rather than imported luxury brands) and Brooksfield Donna. Dumond for shoes.
Summer equals shorts?
Ladies, I am a curvy size 10 with hips, thighs, butt. I also have some cellulite on the front of my thighs despite years of running. Calves are toned. I live in a hot place and would love to wear shorts (not super short, but just normal shorts 3 inches above my knee).
Do you ladies who have cellulite wear shorts or do you wear longer bottoms? I confess to body image issues, and I live in the Far East where women are tiny and don’t seem to know what cellulite is:(
Anonymous
I have big thighs and do not wear “real” shorts. My shortest pair of bermuda shorts hits at mid-knee.
Anonymous
I wear shorts. I don’t think they are the most flattering on me, and I tend to wear more skirts and dresses in the summer, but I do wear them. Usually not in NYC though. I wear shorts for running errands and casual stuff but skirts for urban things.
In the Pink
I am an hourglass so I wear shorts that are longer. About mid thigh, maybe 2-3 inches above my knees. It is simply more comfortable. I also tend to have the waists taken in because of the hourglass figure. But that also ensures that my thighs are not tight in the shorts, even when sitting down. Body Glide is my friend when doing alot of walking, touring, hiking, etc, even with jeans. Those thick inseam seams! I do like Talbots shorts because they are well proportioned and have a fly that is more than 1 -2 inches long! Also the Ralph Lauren brand that is sold at Macy!s.
2 Cents
After successfully losing a bit of weight (for me — I’m not thin by any definition), I decided to just embrace my body and wear shorts last summer — best decision ever. I got ones that hit closer to my knee, but not quite Bermuda, and they were very comfy. I wore them everyday on vacation.
I saw embrace your body and just wear the shorts!
Anonymous
Yess! F that. Wear the shorts. Life is too short!
CKB
Me too! I even say try shorts that are a little shorter & see if you like them. I love 5″ inseams after wearing knee length shorts for 20+ years of adulthood.
Everyone, literally everyone, has cellulite. Who cares if it shows?
yes
Despite years of being an intense athlete, my exposed thighs are not a good look for me. I don’t wear shorts in public/socially. Not for 20 years. A lot of cellulite issues are genetic. It’s just where all my fat rides.
Skirts, ankle pants are my summer looks. Not ideal, I know.
It’s one of my big hang ups.
Miz Swizz
I have some cellulite and wear shorts. I tend to buy shorts with at least a 4 inch inseam because I think they’re the most flattering and honestly haven’t found any bermuda shorts that are comfortable and flattering. I can’t tell you how to feel about your body but I can honestly tell you that I’m a lot more comfortable temperature-wise and also more comfortable with my body because I wear shorts in public and have yet to see anyone scrutinizing my body as much as I do.
Annie
+1
I went about ten years without owning a pair of shorts, but last month I just changed my mind and got a few pairs at the Limited. They had some that have a 5″ inseam and that are “relaxed” fit, so they’re a little bit looser. And I just love them. I don’t think my legs look great in them, but it’s not hiddeous. And most importantly, the shorts are so cool and so comfortable. That makes it all worth it.
Plus, of course, I’ve realized that people aren’t spending their energies scrutinizing my body and my imperfections. And if they are? Well, that’s their problem, not mine.
kga
I’m 5 feet 8.5 inches and I weight 120 pounds, my dimensions are 36-25-36. On top of that my body is pretty athletic too. And, guess what, I have cellulite on my tights and butt. We all have some imperfections! You can hide them if that makes you feel better, but it isn’t obligatory. I’ve to admit that I don’t feel comfortable in the ultra short shorts, especially in the city.
Tetra
I’m a size 16 and I wear shorts. Only to very casual outings, but I do! If you want to wear them, go right ahead. If you don’t want to, that’s cool too.
Amiga
Girl, you’re beautiful. Wear shorts of any length. Proudly. Don’t spend another minute of your life worrying about whether people you don’t even know judge you. I guarantee you’ll take a photo this summer that will make your future self say, “I looked happy! What was I worried about? I rocked those shorts.” With love, your future self
Moonstone
I’m about your size and prefer these Eddie Bauer skorts-that-look-like-skirts to actual shorts. They are more flattering on me and are made of some kind of performance fabric so they are as casual as shorts.
http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women–39-s-horizon-skort/23151070/_/A-ebSku_0311129045001004__23151070_catalog10002_en__US?showProducts=111&backToCat=Travex&previousPage=SRCF&tab=&color=573
Snick
I’m over 50, cellulite on front of my thighs AND saggy knees, which happens as you age. Small pear, size 6 bottom. I wear shorts all the time when it’s hot, probably about 5″ inseam. I just don’t care about the imperfections.
anonshmanon
I can relate. I wore shorts when it was really warm, but always felt they didn’t look good on me. Once I forgot to pack my shorts on holiday, so I quickly went into a store and grabbed a pair. That’s how I found out that more tailored shorts, that “hug” my thighs, make me look much better. We are not talking spandex or anything, but i used to wear wide cuts due to body image issues. Now I buy slimmer ones and feel less frumpy.
MDMom
Interesting. I am not big in any sense (size 2-4) but I have fairly muscular and pale thighs with some minor cellulite in the back and I have found that I look much better in shorts that are a little looser fitting. Just enough so that there is a definite gap between leg and fabric. Also, because I am short, I look better in shorter shorts. I can’t really pull off Bermuda shorts.
OP, I think you will do best by trying a lot of different stuff on to figure out what works with your body type. I prefer to do this by ordering a bunch online and waiting until I’m in a good mood to try stuff on. The stress of shopping in person, compounded by the frustration if you aren’t finding what you want and the dressing room lighting make shopping for this kind of stuff in a real store a nightmare. Plus at home you can try something in more than once on different days with different tops to see if it really works for you. When I’m trying on an item I lack confidence in, having the time to do this is invaluable.
And, yes, you should absolutely wear shorts if you want. I bet if you start paying attention you’ll notice that most women have some amount of cellulite.
Anonymous
+1. I used to wear shorts that were on the shorter side (size 4-6 with chicken legs). Looking back at pictures, the shorts were shorter but also looser in the leg. The shorts that I wear now are slightly longer but slimmer cut and they look much more flattering.
Anonymous
I have a similar figure–which I love–and I don’t wear shorts. I actually find that really short and tight shorts look great on me, but that’s not quite the look I’m going for, and I don’t find them comfortable. Shorts that would be more in keeping with my style are not flattering on me, so I stick with skirts, dresses, and cotton/linen pants in summer and have since I was like 18. It works! And can be s*xy too. It’s not about covering up your supposed flaws, just about finding what works best for you–which could include booty shorts if you so desire!
Sydney Bristow
I’m a size 18ish and wear shorts in NYC. It’s too hot not to. They aren’t super flattering on me but I’m typically not going to wear a casual skirt on the weekend because I’d need to add another layer because my thighs rub.
Never too many shoes...
Have you tried Bandalettes (dot com)? Several people I know swear by them and they are not nearly as hot as another full layer under your clothes.
Anonymous
Body glide, yo. I’ve been everything from a size 8 to 20 (currently a 12… I think? but I have big legs and I lift, so.) I used to buy the little pink one for women. They make a supersize stick for (evidently, only male) runners that is the same thing.
I keep the little one in my purse.
Sydney Bristow
Hmmm I’ll look into both. I hadn’t heard of bandalettes and always assumed body glide would help a little but not enough. It would be nice to add some casual skirts into my rotation.
2 Cents
Body Glide definitely! If I’m in climate-controlled environments OR not swimming OR not profusely sweating, it lasts all day. If it’s like 90+ or I’m at the beach, I reapply midday. Works wonders. Get the “male” version on Amazon–it’s the same as the women’s.
Mindy
OMG try the anti-chafing gel. Life changer. $10 tube lasts all summer and then some (but I buy multiples because I like having one EVERYWHERE)
Anonymous
I wear shorts and don’t give a $&#@. However, I don’t have cellulite. People are always complimenting my legs and I’m just like “………genetics.” (I have my other hang-ups). I have a friend who I basically think has a perfect body who won’t wear shorts or really anything other than crops because she thinks she has cankles. We were at an event together and I was wearing leggings and booties and she complimented how thin my ankles looked, which was hilarious to me because it is not something I ever think about. People focus on (and project!) their own flaws.
If you’re comfy in shorts, go for it. If being self-conscious will ruin your experience, pass and wear what you are comfortable in. But don’t be ashamed of your body. Anybody who is judging has only themselves to be ashamed of.
EB0220
I have some cellulite, wear shorts and do not care. At all. FWIW.
Anonono
Oh boy, I’m fat-ish (I don’t know, I want to be able to call myself fat without calling other people fat? but I’m size 16) and I have found that shorter shorts are the way to go for me. The longer ones just don’t hit in the right spot, and feel dowdy on me. 3″ inseam or GTFO. I figure I’m not going to convince anyone my legs are any shape other than the shape they are, and I want to feel cool and be able to chase my kiddo around. So, sorry world, you’re gonna have to see my legs!
lost academic
So I’m rather like you and the cellulite isn’t my big thing, it’s the incredible whiteness of my legs and the need to avoid massive sunburn. I wear Carhartt cargo shorts with longer inseams. Extra plus – real pockets!
Edna Mazur
I quit wearing shorts as a sophomore in high school because I didn’t like my legs. They are much worse now (pale, cellulite, bigger size than I ever thought I’d be) and this year I said f-it, the world can deal, I’m freaking hot. It has been liberating.
If it helps but a longer inseam than the teeny boppers are wearing, but life is too short, go forth and wear shorts.
Anonymous
Can we discuss Brexit? I can’t believe the voted leave, I’m so surprised.
Coffee Stain
Blown away, and terrified for the US come November.
anon a mouse
This, exactly. I don’t trust any polls anymore.
Cb
The most recent polls were pretty close on this one (unlike indyref and GE2015) but the bookies and the financial markets were wrong.
ml
me too. I realize the political climates in US and UK are not a 1:1 comparison, but …
Daisy
But it is a much larger statement about the rising theme of ‘nationalism’ across the globe, which I think many Trump supporters latch on to.
Betty
I think this as well. I am concerned about the rising appeal of a nationalism mentality that speaks to a pervasive economic inequality. Feels very 1930s to me, and I am terrified for November.
Anonymous
exactly. The nationalism/populism trend is scary to me. The rise of Trump has pointed out what an bubble I live in; my job is stable and pays well, my family is healthy, my prospects are good, my community is diverse and inclusive, I and most people I encounter on a daily basis appreciate living in a global, progressive world. I have little reason to feel disgruntled or like my country is going in the wrong direction… but it’s become really apparent in the last year that lots of people feel differently.
Anonymous
Agreed. I keep wondering how fast we get to fascism. 10 years?
Anonymous
Agreed. This climate is really disheartening.
Anonymous
What is so bad about Nationalism? Sounds good to me and obviously 17,410,742 Britons agree.
Carrots
Because we live in a global community and economy. What one nation decides anymore doesn’t just affect them or their direct neighbors. Decisions that one nation makes anymore affect the entire globe. If you don’t believe me take a look at the Asian stock market today.
Anonymous
Nationalism encourages “us” v “them” mentality where people categorize those who aren’t like them as “other.” It’s easier to persecute people who aren’t like you. It’s easier to go to war with people you believe you have nothing in common with. Nationalism encourages the divide between people of one country and people from another. Nationalism necessarily leads to less empathy, less commonality, less compassion and it creates problems between countries and within countries when people who perceive themselves as “us” want to place blame for this situation at the feet of “them.”
Daisy
Forget the highly polarizing social arguments for a second. From a sheer economic perspective, nationalism is silo’ed. Today’s economy embraces the ‘global economy’ – right now, currency flows in and out of countries, across borders, with relative ease. From policy to the cost of capital, a conservative interpretation of ‘nationalism’ limits all of this. No, I don’t think Brexit will be felt long-term in the United States, as an isolated event. But it enables and paves the way for similar results across the globe that will aggregate to something significant – whether that be Trump in the US or a different referendum in other country. ‘Nationalism’ at its worst, most conservative interpretation exists to limit the impact of foreign capital ,which is already extremely fickle, but critical to the stability of the global economy, including here in the United States.
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday! I love Fruegel Friday, but NOT the BREXIT Vote. I did NOT even know what BREXIT was until this week. FOOEY! FOOEY ON BREXIT! Dad say’s this will be terribel for our 401K’s and stock market and he was right. He said the Dow is down over 600 point’s already, and this will be a long dowward spiral, with other countries in the EU wishing to do a BREXIT.
I think it also will have remafication’s for our own NYC law firm, which depend’s on alot of illegal peeople filing claims we can easily win b/c they are NOT legal citizens. If those peeople do NOT come here we will have a tougher time b/c we will NOT win as many cases and our firm could be at risk. The manageing partner says not to worry, but I think we might want to consider merging into a NYC megafirm, where we can have the saftey of Numbers. I know that NONE of the NYC megafirm’s have a WC practice–we often get referral’s, but I think it would be good for me to become a PARTNER at one of those NYC megafirm’s, if I stay in the law. I also have to consider whether I would go INHOUSE with Roberta, and become General Council in 2 years when she retires.
Life is becomeing so difficult and compliecated. If I could just find a decent guy to marry, I could put all of this stuff behind me and go out to the pool and RELAX! FOOEY!
Anonymous
Me too. This does not bode well for the collective sanity of humanity.
AAL
It’s like a funeral in our office (in the UK) today. Everyone is horrified. We live in a Remain part of the country and I don’t know a single person who was planning to vote Leave – or at least was prepared to admit to it…
Thistle
Ditto. People are miserable
Anonymous
Heartbroken.
Cb
My astute academic analysis is that ‘it’s all a big mess!’ I think people working in business, the media, and academia really misread this situation. Admittedly in a Scottish bubble but I’ve never even met a leave voter. We all thought it would be a close run thing for remain.
Onto Indyref 2.0
AAL
As a Scot outside of Scotland, I’m not sure I can cope with the stress of another Indyref. Pretty sure it’ll go Sturgeon’s way this time!
Cb
My proposal is for a short campaign and no results announced until morning. I can’t do another all nighter.
AAL
Conveniently, I was on an all-nighter in the office on the night of the last Indyref – the stress of the results really helped to keep me going! But yes, short and sweet is the way to go, I think.
Sydney Bristow
How’d the radio show go?
Cb
Got bumped by this morning’s speeches but am on a panel show tomorrow. Thanks for asking – having taken note of the advice and am working on speaking slowly!
anon
I feel like something equally crazy is about to happen in the US in November…..
Anonymous
As an American with a lot of British heritage (much more recent than most in the US) I’m sad for my ‘motherland’ and so scared about our own election later this year. I’m also worried about what this will do to the economy.
Anne Elliott
Me too. Anything can happen now.
Trump in the White House.
The breakup of the U.K.
But seriously, I think it is a sign of rising inequality and the fact that those who aren’t well off being swayed by a lot of rhetoric that had ultimately culminated in Brexit. We are going to see more of the same worldwide.
Cb
Definitely – listening to people on the radio this morning, leavers seemed to think that money not spent on the EU would be spent on the NHS and housing which is pretty naive.
AAL
Farage is already backtracking wildly on that particular fib!
Red Velvet
Yes. So despite the fact we have historically low unemployment (probably the closest thing to full employment) at the same time as the highest ever levels of immigration, that somehow translates into the message “immigrants coming here and stealing out jobs”. So, so, so frustrating! At least it was only 52%. That’s still 48% sensible people out there!
Anonymous
Can someone explain why you think Brexit implies a bad result (I assume you mean Trump) for the US in November? I’ve heard Johnson referred to as the British Trump but beyond the physical resemblance I don’t know why.
Anonymous
Because both the “Leave’ campaign and the Trump campaign are based on nationalism and an anti-immigration stance.
Anonymous
1. rise of nationalist sentiment in the UK indicates that the rise of nationalist sentiment we’re seeing in the US is probably a Real Thing people will vote on
2. the rhetoric that the leave movement used is very similar to the Trump rhetoric about immigrants and economy
3. the polls, academics, finance people, etc all said a Brexit was unlikely- the same way people are saying a Trump presidency is very unlikely.
Laura B
The polls I read seemed much more divided on Brexit than a lot of polls are on Trump. Granted, I’m in America so I didn’t get the play by play on everything leading up to it. But I was loosely paying attention and it seemed pretty split to me, and it’s not like the vote was that one sided. Trump’s polling numbers are far worse, especially in swing states. I’m a glass half full liberal, and I’m still optimistic that most American’s won’t stomach voting for Trump. I agree that Trump has a lot of the same ideas as was behind Brexit – what’s going to happen in the U.K. is a little preview of what a Trump presidency might look like. I’m hoping that the financial fall out over Brexit will be shock enough to American moderates who might have swung Trump’s way.
Anonymous
Doubtful. Trump and Fox News and that ilk will blame any economic downturn in the US on Obama, and Trump’s mostly very uneducated supporters are stupid enough to buy it. I honestly don’t think the average Trump supporter has the IQ or critical thinking skills to connect an American economic collapse to Brexit and react appropriately. (I know many brilliant Republicans, including my father, but none of them were voting for Trump even before Brexit.)
Laura B
The average Trump supporter might not, but the election is not going to turn on the average Trump supporter. All of the people who voted for Trump can go ahead and vote for him again in November, and he won’t win. I really think that Trump has maxed out his support.
Anon
To Anon at 11:42, voters are pretty tired of being considered “stupid” whenever they don’t do what the elites want them to do. Honestly, what’s stupid about voting against a status quo that has treated you like garbage? Maybe the alternative won’t actually make anything better, but it’s certainly not stupid to reject the terrible deal you’ve been given. What people are REALLY advocating for is a radical change in their economic lives.
Anonymama
It’s stupid when the “radical change” will almost certainly make things worse instead of better, across the board, even or maybe especially for those who were already hurting. It’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Meredith
Except Trump isn’t a radical change, he is one of the economic elite who crashed the ship and then pointed at the poor immigrant and said ‘wasn’t me, it was that guy’.
Anonymous
I think immigration/refugees was a huge part of this – the world seems to be a lot more against immigration than they used to be. I think that’s what’d driving Trump, and what drove this.
Little Red
Stunned here. While it doesn’t directly affect me, I worry about it being a portent of things to come here in the US come November.
Anon
A comment that really sums it up for me that showed up on my Facebook feed this morning:
If there’s one thing we learned tonight, it’s that you’ll struggle to defeat bigoted ethnonationalism if all you have is technocratic scolding about the Way Capitalism Works. That’s why the Democrats were smart to nomina….
…oh crap.
Anon
And to follow up on that, it baffles me just how incredibly disconnected the elites are from the voters. They don’t give a crap about them until it’s an election year and then they’re surprised, shocked, and condescending when people who have been suffering are angry? We are in for some very troubled times ahead.
AnotherAnon
+10000000
Anonymous
Agree 100%. I believe this should be a reflection point for many of us. I have realized in the past six months that I am disconnected from what is the reality for many other people. I am deeply saddened that although I am not the 1%, I do live in a bubble. This is how democracy works, and people need to come to terms with what is going on in people’s lives that is driving this populist and nationalist agenda.
Anonymous
But it’s also the perceived reality of other people. If we had a Republican president right now, there’d be much like discontent and frustration (even if all other things were the same).
Lyssa
Well said. I find the discussion above about nationalism and cutting one’s self off from the rest of the world combined with the suggestions that so many people did not know any leave supporters sort of painfully ironic.
Runner 5
I’m heartbroken. When the BBC called it at 4.39 this morning I wrote down some immediate tbought which are on my Instagram at lily_actually
I’m seriously thinking about emigrating.
Also got my degree results today – my thesis was marked as first class (top grade) which is ironic as it’s now out of date.
Anonymous
Serious congratulations on your First, Runner 5. I went to University in Scotland and those results are hard to come by!
I am also shocked by the result. I have a few English friends that have always been Eurosceptics and therefore were on the leave side, but they are clearly not the demographic that swung this vote. The reality of the sentiment espoused by the bulk of leave voters is terrifying.
I also concur that this result bodes poorly for the US election in November and also dramatically increases the likelihood of another Scottish referendum. Things are about to get tense in France as the Euro Cup continues as well.
Being Canadian just gets better and better every day. Can we maybe just put PM Trudeau in charge of the world as a whole?
Anonypotamus
I’d second this!
Anonymous
Why is democracy terrifying to you? The population has voted, and everyone now needs to figure out why, and how to move forward. So many reactions are condescending, panic ridden, and selfish. There was a vote. Your side did not win. Stand up, move on, and make things better.
Anonymous
Snort – democracy should be terrifying to everyone. It’s mob rule. We’ve just barely harnessed the mob so that it’s slightly better than dictators.
Anonymama
Direct democracy is actually fairly terrifying. That’s why the US system is set up with so very many checks and balances.
waffles
Another Canadian here, and I wholeheartedly disagree that putting Justin in charge would be a good idea.
Amelia Earhart
I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker, but I just followed you (I enjoy reading your comments) and would love to follow more ‘rettes if anyone wants to trade instas.
Runner 5
Not creepy at all, don’t worry – I wouldn’t have shared my insta if I weren’t happy for people to follow.
We’re verging from democracy into populism and the tyranny of the majority, so that’s why I’m terrified. Something this complex with this much constitutional importance shouldn’t have been a simple majority vote.
Baconpancakes
I followed, too – hi!
Anonymous
1- The one thing that gives me some modicum of hope is that it was the only the people aged 50+ who voted overwhelmingly to leave. People aged <50 years voted to stay. This nationalism is generational; the kids are rejecting the views of their parents.
http://www.politico.eu/article/britains-youth-voted-remain-leave-eu-brexit-referendum-stats/
2-I'm actually surprised that the US stock market is only down 2.5% this morning. I expected 5%-10% and to buy while stocks are "on sale". I know we are supposed to be entering a bear market in the U.S. but I remain bullish because of this resilience.
Anonymous
I work in finance as an FX trader and I’m also in shock. Coming off of the most stressful and tiring week of my career (haven’t pulled an all-nighter like that since college) I just don’t have the mental capacity to fully process the implications of what this means for the world. And I guess I’m also just sad at how bubbled and out of touch with the majority I really am, that I never truly thought they’d leave (even though it’s my job to assess all possible outcomes, I just never believed it).
Kids Gift Ideas?
Gift ideas for a 3-year old birthday party that is more or less a front to have all of the adults hang out for a BBQ? Wine for the host, and what for the little boy?? We don’t have kids so we don’t know the child well at all – just a nice token for him would be great. TIA!
Anon
Stomp Rockets from Amazon. Kids that age LOVELOVELOVE them
Ms B
+1. Get the spare pack of extra rockets to go with it. The adults also will love them once they are one or two drinks in. I am partial to the Stomp Rocket Jr. Glow in the Dark ones, but YMMV.
Aunt Jamesina
I got those one year for my four year old nephew for Christmas, and ALL of the kids (and some of the adults) were outside playing with them after we opened gifts :-). Cheap and fun!
Anonymous
Stomp rockets are the best! My 10-year old still plays with them.
Anonymous
You can get a wooden block set for about $20 from Walmart or Target. Alphabet blocks are a good idea for a 3 year old.
Be sure to get a gift receipt.
In the Pink
Big chunky legos … called Duplos. Do the parents a favour and get the ones that come in a storage carton. Later on he can use them with regular size legos.
\
\
Or a big yellow metal Tonka dump truck. Will last for years.
2 Cents
+1 to the Tonka trucks. They last forever.
Meg Murry
Any of the following would go over well with my kids: Stickers, bubbles, temporary tattoos, (washable) art supplies, picture books
I don’t know where she got it, but my MIL got my kids birthday cards that are more like mini-activity books with stickers and coloring pages – I think that is a nice balance between a card and an actual “thing” gift
anon
I second all of these suggestions as a mom to a 5 and 2 year old. Stickers, bubbles, tattoos, coloring/activity books, crayons, washable markers. These are great presents because you really can never have too many because they get used up. You can definitely have too many books (get a lot of duplicates) and toys (way too many toys).
Laura B
Books. I always get my niece,nephew and bff’s kids books. The reaction when they open the present isn’t necessarily amazing, however they have way more lasting power. My bff’s daughter has a pile of “laura b books” that she keeps separate and they have to read all of them sometimes. My nephew’s favorite book is a book I got my niece a couple years ago. I LOVE that I’m known as the book aunt. On the other hand, my DH thinks books are a terrible gift and so now buys the niece and nephew separate ridiculously big presents (3 foot chewbacka for nieces 4th birthday, rider tractor/trailer for nephew’s 2nd birthday). We’re not planning on having kids, so we spoil them and it’s the best of both worlds.
Anyway, I pick out my books by going to amazon and looking at the newest releases and finding ones that are well reviewed. You can sort by age range, but don’t get too caught up in that since three is pretty flexible (just don’t get board books at that age, in my non-parent opinion). Here’s some specific recommendations that have been big hits:
The Day the Crayons All Quit & The Day the Crayons Came Home (the first one is nephews favorite)
Dragons Love Tacos
The Book With No Pictures
What Do You Do With An Idea (my BFF loved this book herself – she says it was almost inspirational for adults and now I want to buy it for myself)
Manhattanite
Magnetic pattern blocks. Costumes. +1 on the diplos. Finger paints or other art supplies (consumables art supplies are great if you’re afraid the kid has everything.). Folding canvas chair in a kid size. Melissa and Doug make a folding tunnel.
shadow
Legos :)
You could also do a gift card or tickets to a kids museum or playplace.
swift
Erm, how do you avoid gardening on the second or third date? I’ve always just let it happen when I wanted to, which is usually around that time. But after a couple guys where things fell apart soon after that, I’ve been thinking maybe it makes sense to wait until we are “in a relationship”, not seeing anyone else, something along those lines. But I’m not sure how to talk about it. Seems ridiculous after a small handful of dates to want/ask for exclusivity.
Just say No
Just say no. Just wait. It’s your prerogative and values here.
Ellen
I agree 100%. If a man could get it, he would want sex before the first date is OVER. That is what I faced in college. Men would literaly ask for sex as if it were a stick of gum — and believe me they needed more then a stick of gum b/c their breathe generaly stunk so that even kissing them was OPTIONAL in my book. FOOEY!
So if you do not want a man to start gardening, do NOT do so. We need to take control over our bodie’s and NOT to let peeople force us to garden if we do NOT want to. Personaly, based on my past expereince, it has gotten me NOTHING to let men garden. Sheketovits could have been a farmer b/c all he did was garden, and all he left me with is dirty sheets and stained carpets. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
Like a restaurant in New Orleans at Mardi Gras, I offered a very limited menu. I also wasn’t shy about saying that I only did certain things with guys I loved and that that was too heavy for now and lets just have fun and enjoy. Very. Limited. Menu. (but well-reviewed).
swift
Haha, love this comment.
Anonymous
Later, it becomes a really heavy convo (up to and including “and if I get pregnant, which I am not going to try to do but am unwilling to go on hormonal b/c, I will be keeping the baby”). It’s intended to be that though, b/c I’d rather people flip out and run before the stakes get startlingly high. I will say that the last time I said it, it went overwhelmingly well (like I couldn’t even believe it, but in your mid-30s, some things get better (esp. with a guy who is 40)).
Anonymous
I also can’t and won’t take hormonal BC, but it would never occur to me to make this kind of proclamation to a guy. Of course if he asks “are you on BC pills?” I would be honest, but BC is as much as the guy’s responsibility as mine and if he doesn’t ask, I assume he knows we’re only using what he sees (barrier methods). I too, would keep a baby in the event of an accident, but I feel like that’s a discussion that only has to take place in the event of a BC failure.
anonymous
” I too, would keep a baby in the event of an accident, but I feel like that’s a discussion that only has to take place in the event of a BC failure.”
That just seems like a recipe for disaster. I would hate to find out that my partner thought that bailing was acceptable in the event of an unintended pregnancy…. after I was already pregnant. I’d also hate to be a person who *just* found out that my partner would keep an unintended pregnancy after it was already too late. The only way to prevent something like that is open communication early.
Anon at 10:18’s approach is safer and more fair to all parties involved.
It’s not good, but men usually give these issues much less thought than women do. Yes, it’s his responsibility as well, but relying on him to assume something seems awfully risky.
Anonymous
Maybe it’s a mid-30s thing, but I feel like I want to know who I’m dealing with, as much as one can. At the point of said convo, things are at the Very Serious stage.
It’s a bit of a buzz kill, but only in the sense that Mr. Fun might tip his hand and be Mr. OMG Scary Guy Who REALLY Never Wants Kids (and now you know the hard way). I dated a guy with an Oops baby once. But the convo (never mind the response) says so much about me and how I feel and the guy and how he feels and the relationship (and how we each perceive it).
And I am a person who loves gardening. But gardening isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, you know?
Anonymous
Erm by not doing it? I don’t like sleeping with guys until the 5th or 6th date, so I don’t go to their homes or invite them into mine, and if they suggest it I respond with “not yet.” I don’t ask for exclusivity though, although I think realistically we often are.
Red Velvet
You could just say even at the early stages when you’re still “exploring” the idea of a relationship, you don’t date anyone else and would like them to do the same. My fiance and I are probably not ideal models for you as we slept together on our first date, but we both agreed we did not want to date anyone else from the beginning, even though we didn’t know if we wanted to be in a relationship. I like to evaluate potential suitors one at a time, and so did he, so it is possible.
But I don’t know if this will solve your problem. If you don’t want to sleep with someone unless you know things are going to “fall apart soon after”, you’re just going to have to wait much longer.
Monday
I think “seems ridiculous” is unfair to yourself. Does it “seem ridiculous” for them to expect s3x on a second or third date? People have lots of different desires and goals in dating, and it’s not ridiculous to pursue yours.
I admit I haven’t been in this position for a long time, but maybe when things start moving further physically than you want them to, you could just say you prefer to be exclusive with someone before going there. Then the partner can either initiate that discussion or respectfully back off.
Anonymous
You say “I like you, but I’m not ready?”
bridget
A lot of people garden on the third date. A lot of people wait for months, a year, or engagement. I can guarantee you that any man you are dating has been told “no” to third-date gardening, and, whether or not he is happy with it, is not really all that shocked either way.
Just simply say you aren’t ready yet. If he asks what you are waiting for, again be simple and direct. “Exclusivity.” “Marriage.” “Six weeks or so.” “When I am not on my period, which will be two days from now.” Whatever it is, just say it. Do not feel the need to explain or start negotiations: it’s your body.
It also helps if you end the dates outside of your home. Men can take a lot of their cues from action, and if you don’t invite him in (or go to his place), he will quickly pick up that you want to move slowly in the gardening area.
cbackson
“Just simply say you aren’t ready yet. If he asks what you are waiting for, again be simple and direct. “Exclusivity.” “Marriage.” “Six weeks or so.” “When I am not on my period, which will be two days from now.” Whatever it is, just say it. Do not feel the need to explain or start negotiations: it’s your body.”
THIS.
Reverse
It’s not that you need to want/ask for exclusivity after a small handful of dates. It’s that you need to wait longer before you garden. You don’t force the exclusivity early so you can garden on the third date; you wait until you are exclusive, and then you garden.
It doesn’t have to be a Big Conversation; it will probably come up at some point, and you can say that you don’t garden until a relationship gets more serious. He’ll either respect that, or you’ll find out he’s a jerk.
Anonymous
I’ve never been comfortable doing it outside of an exclusive relationship either, although I recognize that is probably a minority opinion in 2016. After less than two weeks and just a few dates (some overnights, sans gardening) together, I asked my now-husband what we were doing, i.e. did he think this was a relationship or just a fling, because I was falling so fast for him that I knew I had to extricate myself from the situation if he wasn’t on the same page. He said “oh, I just assumed you were my girlfriend.” We met offline. I think online dating may be different and it’s probably weirder to ask someone after a couple of dates if they want to be exclusive, and they’re more likely to think you’re not exclusive, but sometimes it’s not crazy to have The Talk after just a few dates.
CountC
Well there are two questions here as I see it. Do you only want to sleep with people with whom you are exclusive? Or do you want to not sleep with someone on the 2nd or 3rd date?
Some people are okay sleeping with someone with whom they are not exlusive, some people are not. Some relationships are exclusive quickly because it works for those people, and some are not.
If you don’t want to sleep with them because it’s too soon for your comfort level but you don’t want to have an exclusivity discussion yet either, then you say no when you get to the point where it comes up situationally or in conversation. If you don’t want to sleep wtih them until you are exclusive, regardless of how long it takes, then you say that when it comes up situationally or in conversation.
Anonymous
Garden with whomever you want, whenever you want (well, as long as they are into gardening with you too), on the second or third date, or on the fifth date, or on the twenty-fifth date. Your relationships “falling apart soon after” is not due to gardening or not gardening, it’s due to the fact that most people you meet/date will not be compatible.
You definitely don’t want to date some weirdo who will disrespect you and not view you as relationship material simply because he thinks you’re a loose woman for gardening too early and often…and conversely, when you meet someone with whom you have great chemistry, why not enjoy it early and often as well?
Anon
This! Sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want. Ideally you would be honest with your garden partners and of course, use protection regardless of what they say. Other than that, do whatever you feel comfortable with doing! Don’t feel bad about sleeping with someone “too early”. You do you!
Anony
THIS. You really, really, really don’t want to end up with the sort of guy who thinks that the fact you garden *with him* is a sign that you’re not good enough for him.
One of the potential reasons relationships fail shortly after gardening is undertaken is that the gardening is not what one or the other is looking for. The first garden party can be more awkward and less fun than subsequent ones, of course, because the partners aren’t yet familiar with or attuned to the other’s preferences. It can actually be easier to avoid this problem when gardening in early dating, since both people are more likely to be assessing on the basis of “Is this fun? Am I having a great time?” rather than on the basis of “Could I realistically commit myself to only this kind of gardening for the rest of my life?”
Is it possible that you’ve internalized some of the religious dogma surrounding the issue without realizing it? Because, Dr. Laura and the pope notwithstanding, later gardening isn’t inherently better for a relationship or a person. Gardening gives you all sorts of important information about a person that really should factor into your decision whether or not to pursue a relationship.
swift
Hmm, a lot of this feels familiar.
For one, I feel like my ex never forgot that we gardened on our second date, like it said something about me. For sure one of the many reasons he sucked and not necessarily a reflection on gardening timelines.
And I grew up in a pretty conservative/religious “true love waits” environment, to be sure, though didn’t identify with it myself.
Baconpancakes
Your ex ALSO gardened on the second date, I’m assuming, so that would also say something about him, no?
I’m trying to come up with scenarios in which you gardened on the second date without him but I’m coming up short, unless it was with a third party, or with him watching and you gardening solo, which is an entirely different direction for that story to go.
swift
Yes, totally…he was just a jerk in this way (and in some others).
Anonymous
Baconpancakes’ observation is on point.
Anonymous
Eh, this IME has never been the reason a relationship failed after gardening. If anything, the relationship dragged on longer than it should’ve because we enjoyed the gardening a little too much. Usually, we could already see that we weren’t long-term compatible, but there was still plenty of physical attraction and pent up energy so we went ahead with the gardening anyway, and were able to walk away a few dates or weeks thereafter without much trouble. It was like an itch we had to scratch, and then we were ready to end it.
Old house Q
I have an old (1920s) house built when the code just required a window in a bathroom for ventilation. More recently, ceiling fans were added that vent to the attic. OK in the winter, but in the sultry summer (SE US), I’ve got to scrub the mold? mildew? off of the ceiling (ladder + amonia = not awesome fun) and need to a lot of prepwork before putting on more anti-mold paint. The fix is to vent the fans to the outdoors through the roof. That doesn’t seem to be something that an electrician to do. Is it a roofer task? Some other building trade?
In the Pink
Check out roofers as well as air conditioner companies, they install and replace all the ducting in the attics for existing systems. I feel your humidity!
anne-on
Most general contractors can do this (honestly, you can probably do it yourself if you’re at all handy). We had this fix done to our old (1880s) house before we bought it, and I think it cost about $600 all in, so not terrible.
OP
Thanks!
I am handy, but the slope of your yard + 2-story house + pitch of roof + landing on concrete = not up for this.
Meg Murry
You should probably have the mold/mildew tested to make sure that it isn’t black mold, and you also need the attic treated if there is mold or mildew in there. The issue may be that ammonia and paint is killing the surface layer on top of the paint, but not what is growing in the ceiling drywall/plaster/wood, and so it is coming back through. Do you have access to the attic to see if there is mold/mildew up there? Or if there is a slow roof leak or condensation on water lines in the attic, that could be where the mold/mildew is coming from.
You will probably need either a general contractor or an electrician plus a roofer to truly fix this problem and not just band-aid it.
Also, once you do have a functioning exhaust fan, one thing that makes a big difference for us it to put it on a timer switch, so we can turn the switch and have it run for another 30-60 minutes after we are done with a shower, but not forget to turn it off and let it run all day.
Anonymous
We do have an exhaust fan on a timer, but our shower is something like 5 x 5 (tiny — shower + potty; the rest of the bathroom (sink area) is part of our bedroom (80s remodel — looks like a hotel room). It never really gets dry in there in the summer. I don’t think that there is any mold issue elsewhere, just ripe conditions and constant exposure (DH and I are robust showerers). If the bathroom were larger, it would probably not be as much of a problem.
Old houses are a difficult love.
Meg Murry
Oh yes, they are – speaking as the owner of a pre-1900s home, I totally get you. Got to fix one problem and find 3 more, every time. As much as I love our house, I completely understand why the previous owners sold it to move to a new construction, much smaller townhouse/condo.
Although if it really is that small, it is probably worth talking to the contractor about whether it makes sense to take down the whole ceiling and replace the drywall, in case it is part of the problem. And/or ask if they will perform the scrubbing + painting as part of their estimate since they probably have more experience working on ladders (and potentially better ladders) than you do.
Jen
of interest….we had an attic vent in our 1920s house and we ended up venting through the side of the house vs the roof. Husband was able to DIY with no roof climbing whatsoever. He just ran ducting across the attic and drilled a vent into the side of the house
tesyaa
Actually, an electrician did that exact job for me.
Just say No
If he can’t respect your ideas and wishes now …
Cat
No no no no no to mini-shrugs anywhere, ESPECIALLY the office! They strike me as super dated (like, what middle schoolers were wearing in 2005).
I can see this top easily with an unbuttoned, lightweight waist-length cardigan like the Jackie — you’d still be able to see the pretty pleating at the bottom.
No, I don't want no shrug
I’m always shocked when Kat suggests a mini-shrug– I didn’t know you could even buy them in the last decade. I used to get them at Maurice’s and wear them with a fitted ribbed tank, a long beaded necklace looped once around the neck, and flowy ankle-length gauchos. It was cute in 2006.
Hugs not Shrugs
From the partnership for a shrug-free america,
Just say no to Shrugs
CountC
SNORT
Anonymous
I’m enjoying the double meaning – shrugs as clothing, but also shrugs as apathy.
Baconpancakes
I would like to buy a supporting membership for this organization.
Kk
Agreed. Mini shrugs and boleros only make people look wider, and the view from the back is particularly unflattering on just about everyone, including ninety pound six foot supermodels.
I think a Jackie cardigan would be fine but I’d go for a moto-shape tweedy or linen jacket instead.
Cat
Oh, I like that styling idea! I actually have such a jacket and will try it out with my floatier shells.
Hugs not Shrugs
Floaty shell, moto-ish jacket, skinny jeans, pointy flats is my fall and spring UNIFORM. I have a moratorium on jackets for the moment, because it’s getting to be a bit of a joke. I also love chanel-inspired boxy collarless ones with floaty shells. FWIW, I’m in an east-coast office of a silicon-valley software company, so our office is anything goes casual.
Pretty Primadonna
I aree. I was shocked to hear this as a suggestion…
Laura B
100% agree. Whenever I see a mini-shrug I’m instantly transported back to high school. One of my friend wore them every.single.day and I thought it looked dated by the end of my senior year.
Anonymous
Agree. It is a dated look.
pugsnbourbon
I was surprised at her anti-blazer comment, too. Signed, someone currently wearing a floaty sleeveless top with a blazer (unbuttoned).
Spirograph
This is what I’m wearing today, too. With jeans because my office is casual. It’s one of my favorite looks, and so easy to take off the blazer and proceed with the rest of my outdoor summer evening.
Agree, just say no to shrugs.
Anonymama
I think a blazer would look much more modern and professional than a shrug. See:
http://www.popsugar.com/celebrity/photo-gallery/20841190/image/20841201/Mom-Go
in-house question
For those of you who have worked in both private practice (specifically, bigger firm) and in-house, can you tell me the pros and cons of each? I’m a 3rd/4th year associate and consistently see in house positions that I am interested in. I’ve always thought of this as a career goal as I have never been interested in making partner. I’m not that concerned with the money aspect because I try to live below my means and believe that an in-house salary would likely be sufficient.
Anon
These are just a few, off the top of my head:
Firm Pros/Cons
More resources
More varied work (obviously a gross generalization) and varied clients
Really smart colleagues across the board
Typically better pay
Longer hours
Law firm politics BS
Tracking time
InHouse Pros/Cons
Supporting a business unit or more limited set of clients
Work can be repetitive or alternately, you can be way out of your comfort zone learning new stuff you’d never come across at the firm
Lack of resources (no or much fewer precedents, googling everything, not having filesite, dealing with not great contract management systems)
Having a “playbook” for negotiated contracts means you already know your client (business unit) position on how to negotiate things, so you can get things done faster than at a firm (one level of authority)
Not tracking your time
On the whole, better hours, but possibly less flexibility
Generally don’t get your own office, likely sitting in a cube
Lower salary but more comp as incentive pay
Possible opportunity to move to the business side
Anonymous
I disagree with the smart across the board comment for firms- I know a lot of brilliant people in house, and some really dumb partners that are charismatic and bring in clients but who you can’t trust to draft a basic contract. I think both in house and firms have smart and not-so-smart people.
Anon
I was the anon above–my only point was not that there are not smart people in house–there are. But you are going to spend more time working with “rank-and-file” employees if you have to touch compliance in any way, and sometimes that is a change from the “higher level” clients and colleagues you have at a firm. Again, this are all gross generalizations! Totally agree that book smarts /=/ people smarts, and I have also dealt with many super tone-deaf attorneys at firms too!
Anon
I would agree with all of these except that in house does not always mean better hours. And all of our in house attorneys have offices.
Cat
Yeah, co-signing with this Anon. Went from Biglaw to large-but-regional private company. Took about a 30% pay cut when bonuses are included, but I’m home at an early, predictable hour, and work at night/on the weekend maybe 3-4 times a YEAR. (I do check emails a few times during these periods but it’s rare anything needs an immediate response.)
Cat
Oh and I’ll add — I was unwilling to go in-house at a company where expectations would have been similar to Biglaw’s as far as being always available, expected to work late routinely, etc. No way was I giving up the compensation and goodwill I had at my firm for anything less than buying my life back.
anonymous
“in house does not always mean better hours.”
I’ve heard this before…. any tips on how to look out for that when you’re job hunting or interviewing? If better hours are a part of one’s motivation for leaving biglaw, it would be a shame to get out of the frying pan and into the fire.
But I’m sure you can’t ask in your interview “so how much do you expect me to work, really, because I’m over the grind.”
Anonymous
“What would a typical day here be like?” is usually the question that I ask (I’m not in law, but interested in work-life balance) Also, “what are the normal office hours?”
Anon
I think Anon at 10:17 did a fantastic job – she’s captured a lot of my experience!
One thing I’d add is that my company has a lot of politics as well.
Would like to also emphasize the lack of flexibility. I feel like I’m expected to be in my cube (cube…gag!) from 8:30-5:30 (but I rarely leave work before 7:30 – I’m just usually the last kid on the playground) and that’s annoying because it leaves such little time to get personal things done.
I’m at a midsize, privately held, high profile company in the sports and entertainment industry. Hours are about 8:30-7:30ish M-F, weekend work only if I want to get ahead. 9 has been the latest I’ve been here (compared to MUCH later at the firm). Much better benefits in terms of healthcare and such. Not sure if my biglaw firm just sucked or if its industry practice but went from $500/month for a single, no dependents health insurance plan to about $30/month.
My favorite thing about being in-house is that I’m not on call. I don’t feel like my job owns me and has the power to derail my life outside of work. I actually booked a vacation without fear of having to cancel a couple days before – that was a magical feeling.
Anonymous
I’ve never been in house but fwiw my health care (for just me) has been free at all the law firms I’ve worked at (two large, one small). I’ve always had high-deductible plans but that makes sense given my income and general good health, and thanks to an HSA the employer contributes to, I don’t think I’ve ever spent any money out of pocket on medical expenses.
Betty
Yes! Just to add to this: I never felt like I could say “no” in biglaw (to more work, to coming in, etc.). I think this is based on the culture of the org, but I have no problem going to my GC and saying, “I have, X, Y and Z on my plate. What should I prioritize because it is not all happening today?” And no-one messes with my vacations.
Mindy
Interesting… I’m in biglaw, but I feel like if new work is going to affect the quality of my current work when I know X, Y, Z colleagues have absolutely nothing to do and could easily do new work, I say no. and nobody messes with my vacations either… maybe I’ve been lucky.
in-house question
OP here. Can those of you working in-house give a brief description of your current company (e.g. “Fortune 500” – “Small business” – “Startup” – etc.) and your typical hours? I’m also interested in hearing about other benefits too. I’m guessing it will totally vary, but still interested to see.
In house and happy
Went from lit boutique in flyover country to Fortune 200 company in the same city doing corporate work. I work 7:30 to 4:30 with an hour lunch. I rarely bring work home. My salary is on par with what a first-year at a firm in town would make, but the lifestyle is so much better. My work is a mixture of very boring (redlining contracts) and extremely interesting (social media/privacy issues). Sometimes I miss litigation, especially writing briefs, but it sure is nice to have my evenings and weekends back!
Anonymous
A good friend went from patent litigation at a firm to in-house at Google and still works Big Law hours (60-70 hrs/week). There are probably less all-nighters and last minute “drop everything to solve this crisis!” moments but overall, the hours are very, very long. But that’s the company culture and not specific to the legal department. They serve you three meals a day and provide all the services you need on site, with the expectation that you will spend almost all your waking hours there.
Anonymous
Lots of friends in tech, and lots of friends who fantasize about tech benefits – um, they give you doctors, free haircuts, and all your meals so you have no excuse to leave! I was just on a trip with a couple friends talking about work-life (including one tech friend) and somebody brought up our friend who had been at a top law firm and how they “had happy hour every night” – yeah, because after your drink you got to go back to your office for another 6-8 hours…. I’ll buy my own martini on my off time, thanks. (obviously firm is a choice, tech company is a choice, but the benefits like that are RARELY for the employees!)
Anonymous
I’ve worked in-house at 3 different companies as a litigator – one in Midwest, one in Mid-Atlantic, and one in the South. More detail below, but what I’ve learned is that the company’s culture really drives your happiness, and it’s hard to gauge that kind of thing from the outside unless you know people who are already working there (in the legal department, since all departments vary) and who will be honest with you. There are definitely some companies that are far worse than firms (as far as work-life balance and culture), and some that are far better – so do your research!
F50 company #1 (Midwest): I had total autonomy as to work schedule (within reason, since I led a team and tried to be there for them), the pay was better than I received at my mid-sized Midwestern firm, the work hours were way better than at the firm (generally 8-4, never work weekends or evenings), I worked with some of the smartest people I had ever met (clients and in-house colleagues), and the issues I worked on were cutting edge and endlessly interesting. The legal department had significant credibility within the company, so clients not only listened to what we had to say, they actively sought out our opinions – which created great partnerships with our clients and a tremendous sense of fulfillment in my day-to-day life. Downsides: some corporate bureaucracy – but that was about it.
Company #2 (privately held, Mid-Atlantic): No autonomy as to hours at all (GC was very “face-time” focused), worked pretty good hours compared to firm, pay was slightly less than I was making at F50 company #1. Downsides: terrible corporate environment, not-smart clients (made life difficult), issues weren’t cutting edge or interesting, every day felt like a fire drill and no one trusted legal to make any decisions.
F50 Company #2 (South): some autonomy as to hours, though I’m generally at work between 9-5:30, work some evenings but very few weekends. Pay is slightly better than what I received at previous positions but lower than I would be receiving if I were at a firm at my level (but the company has very generous stock options and a great bonus program, so that helps). I’m working on cutting-edge issues with really smart people (in-house and my clients). Downsides: company is much more structured than my previous organizations, so lots more bureaucratic stuff to deal with. Company culture is less warm and fuzzy than F50 #1. And while legal is well-respected, our opinions aren’t necessarily sought out by clients – we’re more the people they call when the house is on fire already.
inhousejen
Went from regional midsize firm (litigation partner) billing approx. 2800 hours/year to in-house AGC overseeing all litigation, regulatory, and IP at a publicly traded Fortune 100 company. Transitioned when I was in my 12th year of practice. I now work 7:30-5 M-F (my commute is horrible and the early start means half the drive time). I’ll have an occasional email at night but rarely after 6 pm and very rarely get emails on the weekend (except from outside litigation counsel sending me drafts). Even when it’s insanely busy with board meetings and business units ignoring my advice, it’s still a 5000% improvement over my prior law firm life.
inhousejen
Oh forgot to note flexibility – I work from home if I have a doctor’s appointment, vet appointment, contractor/repairman coming, etc. (probably once every 2 or 3 weeks). If the morning was hectic and things slow down, no issue with leaving 2-3 hours early. And this might out me, but we have a summer hours program where we close at noon on Fridays in the summer months (Memorial Day to Labor Day).
ChiLaw
I work at a not-for-profit on the west coast. I’m here from 8-5 every day, with theoretically an hour for lunch (my boss lives so close he often goes home and takes the whole hour, but I generally just bring my food to my desk and read the internet).
The downside to the hours is travel, which is pretty significant, or at least much more significant than my BigLaw experience. Once or twice a month I’m out for 3-5 days at a time.
However, there’s a ton of flexibility. No one blinks at “daycare sent daughter home with suspected sickness, so i’m home too, but you can reach me by email!” (Also daycare is on site so I am never leaving.) My boss also sometimes encourages me to leave early on slow days when he knows there’s a lot of travel coming up. It’s generally a very friendly, and family friendly, atmosphere.
There are almost never “emergencies” and when there are, there are no scare quotes — it’s really an emergency, and since I’m invested in seeing my company do well, it doesn’t make me too upset that I have to stay.
Triangle Pose
I moved from BigLaw to in-house at a fortune 50 company, telecomm industry, NE region. 8:30-5pm, no calls after 5 and no weekend work. Minimal work travel and I rarely bring my laptop home. Summers we get out early and no one messes with your vacation (4 weeks plus holidays plus a few floating flex days). Came from Biglaw where you could never say no to work and it was just bill, bill, bill. I would never go back and love it here!
Everyone talks about how it’s a paycut and maybe that is true for those people because they left the firm at a more senior level but I left early and my offer was for more than what I was making at the firm. Not true now with BigLaw jump to 180k for first years, but it was a pay raise for me to go in-house.
(Also, we have offices…I haven’t met any in-house departments in my city that don’t have offices for the lawyers…)
Betty
I’ll play: I’ve been in biglaw and in house at a medium sized business that is a sub of a large Fortune 500 company.
BigLaw Pros: The endless resources (financial and physical) to get your job completed accurately and efficiently. Brilliant coworkers who have worked incredibly hard to get where they are. The pay. Working on matters that make the cover of Wall Street Journal.
BigLaw Cons: The hours and what the hours do to your soul. You may work on high profile matters, but unless you are sitting in the corner office, you will not receive credit. The billable hour. While I had brilliant coworkers, I also worked with partners who liked to throw things, dress you down, etc. Being called into the office at any hour for a fire drill.
In House Pros: Getting to know your business, the business folks and issues that are likely to arise. I feel like a valued member of the team and not a necessary evil. Completely wacky, off the wall issues that can arise (an employee did what?!). The hours (I work 9-5 or 8-4 and run at lunch every day). I can work from home when I need to, and I do have my own office. When there are “fire drills,” they tend to be actual emergencies and your advice is valued.
In House Cons: Lower pay but still a liveable wage. Some measure of inflexibility because a lawyer needs to be around in case something comes up (all the lawyers can’t be out of the office at the same time). Limited resources. Doing my own filing.
Becky
Similar to Anonymous at 11.37’s first experience
Fortune 5 company in the South: total autonomy on my hours. I get to work from home some days or go home for lunch to see my kiddo. Never feel on call at nights or weekends although I try to check my phone after hours just in case. Great vacation though no one really tracks it. Pay is about 10% less that my big city in house job although way less than what I would earn at a firm at my level. Bonus and stock potential are better but definitely tied to company performance. Legal department is well regarded in the company and I work with some of the most interesting people from around the world (colleagues and clients) that I never met while working in Biglaw. There’s office politics, but overall a decent company culture. I miss the big law resources sometimes, but I don’t really need a lot of that for my current role. I really enjoy getting to know the business. There isn’t a huge upward trajectory but there’s always movement to different areas of the department or to the business side if desired. And my company is always in the news so it still feels like I work at a law firm in the respect, just on the more interesting side of the deal.
Anon For This
Is it possible to go directly from law school to in-house? I’m an incoming law student and I don’t want to work in a firm. I have specialized knowledge of GRC and infosec in insurance/financial services, about five years worth, and by the time I graduate it will be closer to 10. Thoughts?
Anonymous
It’s not unheard of, but it’s incredibly difficult. I know of one person in my law school graduating class of about 300 who went directly in-house in an attorney role. If you don’t want to go to a firm you can go the govt route, a fair number of people I know did that. There are also JD-preferred/quasi-legal roles that tend to hire people without firm experience, but you could probably get some of those roles without going to law school.
Anonymous
In my experience, yes, but only if you bring a very unique niche skill with you. Info security is definitely one of the hottest areas now that companies are looking to hire for, so you’ve got a great start. I would suggest you get as much practical experience as you can during law school, doing what you would in-house (even if it’s unpaid), so that you stay current and can sell that you know how to solve real world problems from a legal perspective, even if you haven’t been at a firm. At the very least, you may have to work 1-2 years at a firm then go in-house – but it will be easier for you than for many others who don’t have a specialized skillset.
Frozen Peach
If you have the time and capability to get IAPP certified while still in school, this will give you a HUGE advantage with your existing skill set. This is something that all our clients in BigLaw were always dying for, to the point that the firm would pay to certify associates and then “lend” them for six months or a year to our institutional clients.
OP Anon For This
I was thinking of doing the CIPP, the IGP, and ACEDS as they all have to do with information in one way or another. Thanks!
Another Anon
Possible but rare. The only place that has a super-large straight-through program is Hewlett-Packard, and they only recruit at a few schools. But it is very well regarded. Definitely network a lot, and perhaps you’ll find something. I also talked by way into a 1L inhouse gig bc they were looking for a paralegal, and I said, “Have you considered having a summer legal intern?” It worked!
Anonymous
Shell and a few of the other oil companies also have a straight-through program in their Houston offices. O&G does not sound like what AFT is looking for, but I’ll throw that out in case its useful to any lurkers.
CountC
At the company where I work, there are folks who started as contract analysts (contract negotiators/drafters) and then moved into in-house counsel roles straight from college. So while not directly straight from LS to in-house, maybe one or two years removed. I would look for that type of role also as it can get you into the legal department.
In House Lobbyist
The only time I see it is when you are an intern during law school and then become a paralegal while taking the bar and waiting on results. We have several lawyers that way that really got to know the business that way.
Anon
Also wanted to post this, in case you want to benchmark in-house salaries. This just came out.
http://www.thelawyerwhisperer.com/question/im-a-law-firm-associate-in-final-discussions-with-a-big-tech-company-if-i-receive-an-offer-how-do-i-know-whether-its-at-market-level-and-whether-to-ask-for-more/
Copenhagen/Iceland
The hubs has depos in Copenhagen in September and asked if I wanted to come along. We started looking at flights and IcelandAir has a deal where if you fly them, you can spend a couple nights in Iceland in either direction without an extra flight charge.
There seems to be plenty for me to do in Copenhagen to fill three days while the hubs is in depos; he has been there before for this client and tells me that almost everything has English signage, is accessible via public transportation, etc.
But what about Iceland? Anyone been? Any suggestions?
AAL
Iceland is amazing – went there earlier this year for 4-5 days. Plenty to see and do, especially out of Reykjavik – if you have limited time in the area, I’d try and do a day tour of the Golden Circle (especially Gulfoss). The Blue Lagoon was really cool too. Only thing to note is that food and drink (especially alcohol) was very expensive, so budget accordingly!
Anonymous
So fun – highly recommended. It’s super safe, easy to get around and the scenery is just striking. Ride Icelandic horses (adorable and surefooted)! Swim in geothermal hotsprings! It’s a really wonderful place
Meg March
Iceland is great, I highly recommend! As AAL mentioned, it is expensive but it was so beautiful that it’s worth it for a short trip!
H
Sounds like an awesome opportunity! Iceland is on my bucket list for sure.
Triangle Pose
Ha, my SO and I are going on this exact trip (minus depos) – we did the Icelandic air deal and it’s a crazy deal! We are doing Reykjavik for 4 days and Copenhagen for 9, all for 499 roundtrip! I’m soliciting recommendations from friends but I’m super excited!
Anonymous
I used the IcelandAir stopover program to visit for 2 days a while ago. Absolutely worth it. I spent all my time in Reykjavik and didn’t get to do the Golden Circle (next time!) and went to one of the local geothermal spas instead of Blue Lagoon. (We spent time with friends who lived there and had an issue with the tour we were thinking of taking, otherwise would have had time, I think.)
I second the expensive comment. However, so is Copenhagen. I used airbnb to save on the hotel cost and loved it – walked everywhere, very comfortable place just outside the center.
Get local ice cream while you’re there. Go to the spherical building with the geyser and views (the ring or sphere or something, I forget the name).
Go to the top of the church tower and also the hidden garden behind it. Walling through the embassies and government buildings was beautiful. It’s a small place where all this stuff is so very walkable.
flora
I’m just starting to date a divorced man for the first time…he brought up matter-of-factly on the first date that he got divorced a few years ago, without elaboration. I’m not sure how/when to ask more about it, or if I should just let him bring it up naturally. In past dating I haven’t pressed to know details about exes–it’s not really my style–but somehow having been officially “married” feels different and like something I’d want to know the details of. Any perspectives?
Anonymous
I’d confirm no kids immediately, unless he already volunteered that info. Beyond that, I’d treat it like any other relationship and not pry about details, although before we started talking marriage I’d want to know what led to the divorce/what he considers acceptable circumstances for divorce. I was raised to believe that barring circumstances like infidelity or abuse, you don’t divorce without really fighting for your marriage and going to counseling, and I’d want to make sure this guy didn’t just divorce on a whim and that he has a similar attitude to me that being married is very different than just being in a relationship and requires a commitment to the relationship and a desire to fight for it. How soon you have that convo probably depends a lot on your age and how much you’re thinking about marriage. If you’re in your mid-30s and only want to date someone if it’s going to end it marriage, it might be a conversation you have after 5-10 dates. If you’re in your early 20s and marriage is the last thing on your mind, it might be a conversation you go years without having. But it’s something I’d definitely want to talk about in depth as soon as we started talking marriage or I realized I only wanted to stay in the relationship if it was going to lead to marriage.
flora
Thanks. Confirmed no kids, I’m in my 30s and definitely thinking about marriage.
Anonymous
when appropriate (not necessarily the next date), the only things that matter are 1) has he dated anyone since (you don’t want to be a rebound) and 2) the reason for the break-up (you don’t need all the details – but infidelity or poor financial management on his part is a red flag; infidelity by his ex – does he have trust issues as a result?)
flora
Thanks…seems like the essentials to me.
cbackson
FWIW, I would try to let the “reason for the break-up” conversation come up naturally over time. I am willing to talk about my divorce and why it happened, but I don’t like getting into a lot of detail in the first few dates, because it’s fairly personal and involves both my privacy and that of my former spouse. I guess it feels disrespectful to that former relationship to spill a lot of his personal struggles to someone I’m just meeting for the first or second time, if that makes sense.
My advice to you, by the way – it’s actually usually a good sign if the person talks less about his divorce early in the dating process. You get a lot of guys who are So. Not. Over. It. and want to talk a LOT about how awful the ex-wife was, how awful her lawyer was, etc….these are all reg flags.
Anonymous
How did your date go?
cbackson
Eh, it was okay, but I didn’t find him as interesting as I’d hoped. But I’m going to give it another shot to see if that was just first-date awkwardness.
flora
That makes complete sense…both of those things. Thanks.
Anon
As someone who has been divorced, marriage is complicated and so is divorce. In my case, my ex cheated on me, but he wanted to the divorce and it happened after being together 10 years. the relationship is complicated and to boil down a divorce to one reason is awfully hard and not really fair. I think all that matters is whether the person is ready to move on and you can independently evaluate whether you think he’s ready. As for the “reason”, that’s something you just learn over time.
Also, I learned a lot about myself and about relationships and communication through my divorce and I think people can grow through tough experiences, like divorce.
Anon
to clarify, I found out about the divorce request first and the cheating second.
flora
It’s hard to pin it on a single capital R Reason for even lesser relationships…good to keep in mind.
anon
I’m currently mid career in education, and I’m applying for an entry level federal job in a field that would be a career change through USAJobs. The job doesn’t ask for a cover letter, and from what I understand that means I shouldn’t submit one. Is that right? If I don’t submit a cover letter, is there an appropriate way of explaining that I’m applying for an entry level job because I want to make a career change?
Anonymous
As somebody who recently got in to the federal system, cold, I did not use a cover letter on any of my applications, including the role I was ultimately hired for. They are generally not looked at (I was contracting before this), if they even make it to the hiring manager, which most don’t since they’re an additional file.
DCR
I would submit a cover letter. Many jobs don’t require it, but still let you submit one (and often still expect it). No downside to submitting a cover letter, especially when you have a big career change to explain
LadyB
Thoughts on Paris and Barcelona in early October? This will be my first big trip overseas
Anonymous
Amazing. Best time of the year to go.
dc
I’m doing the same trip in September and will follow with interest — bon voyage!
Carrots
If you’re going solo in early October to Paris, we can have a Corpor3tt3 meet-up – I’ll be there (Paris) too! Not my first big trip overseas, but my first international solo trip.
Anonymous
Fabulous time of year to be there. GO!
KT
I’m a monster.
I have a little bird who I love and adore and have had for years. In the past couple months, my normally sweet guy has been very aggressive and bites a lot. The vet said he was normal, just going through a face.
He stopped letting me pick him up, but he would still fly over to my shoulder and sit there while I read a book or worked on the computer.
Last night I came home and opened his cage so he could come out while I read before bed. But instead of sitting there, he attacked my neck (I have bloody cuts all over now). Reflexively, I swatted at him to get him off, and I must have hit him hard, because he dropped to the ground and was dead instantly.
He was my little friend for years and I loved him and I feel so, so horrible. I can’t believe I hit any animal, let alone such a tiny little bird. I cried all night and my husband won’t talk to me he’s so angry.
I know people will tear me apart and I’m okay with it. Nothing anyone can say is worse than I already have said to myself. I’m a monster who killed my own pet and I have never felt so awful.
Anon
Ugh, I’m sorry. That is awful. No judgment – the only monster is anyone who would believe you wanted to hurt your own pet. Accidents happen, especially when an animal comes at you, and I’m not sure what else you could have done to change this.
Anon
+1000. Your husband is hurting too but that is NO WAY to treat you. lots of love to you today KT.
Never too many shoes...
I sincerely hope that people will be a bit more gentle with you than you anticipate. You reacted in the moment, which does not make you a monster. I wish I had something more to offer you than an internet stranger hug…
Anonymous
You are not a monster. A monster would have tormented and swatted at a pet for fun. You were defending yourself, with a heartbreaking result.
No intent, no malice, no negligence. An upsetting accident.
Senior Attorney
I’m not going to tear you apart. I think it’s perfectly normal to swat at an animal that is attacking you. You are not a monster, you are a human being.
And despite what the vet said, I wonder whether the behavior change was related to an illness that might be related to his death.
You are not a monster. And don’t let your husband buy into that storyline, either.
Coach Laura
+1 to Senior Attorney’s comment. KT, I wish you peace.
anonrette
Wow, I’m sorry, but your husband is being a dick. You feel bad enough already, I’m sure.
CountC
What everyone else has said. I am, to the core, an animal lover, defender, and supporter, but I do not think you are a monster. You acted reflexively, you did not act with malice, or with intent to harm. It’s clear that you loved your bird and that you are very, very upset by this. You’d be a monster if you purposefully tormented him or hurt him intentionally to get back at him, neither of which is the case here.
I too thought along the same lines as SA, if it was a light swat perhaps there was something else going on that was affecting his behavior and exacerbated any effect of the swatting.
Anonymous
Whoa, why do you think you are a monster? You took your bird to the vet, and the vet couldn’t come to a conclusion as to why he was getting aggressive. You did everything you could have to stop the behavior, and then when the behavior became a threat to you, you defended yourself. You didn’t purposefully kill him, you were defending your neck, which is not only highly instinctual, but is also what you needed to do. The bird made you bleed in a really sensitive area of your body, it isn’t like a cat that was attacking your heels. It isn’t like a dog that snapped at you because you surprised it; the bird attacked your neck and you reacted in a way that wasn’t in anyway an overreaction. Frankley your husband is being a jerk for not recognizing that it was both an accident and justified. If something attacks, you protect yourself, and that is exactly what you did. He should be significantly more worried about the fact that the bird attacked you then you accidentally killing the bird. Tragic? Of course. Justified? 100000%
ezt
Ok, first of all, I am very sorry that you lost your beloved pet.
Second, what you did was reflexively defend yourself against a vicious attack (bloody cuts!). That’s just instinct. Unless you are leaving something out, you swatted him to get him away from you while you were in fear/pain. You didn’t do it to hurt him out of anger.
Third, I find it beyond unacceptable that your husband won’t talk to you. Not only was this not your fault, but you got hurt! I understand he’s grieving the loss of your pet but you are his wife. Hopefully this is just an initial shock reaction and he will shape up soon.
Please talk to friend and family who will give you some perspective on what happened here, because your husband is not doing it.
SuziStockbroker
Oh KT, I am so sorry.
It is normal to feel awful, but you are certainly not a monster.
My sister accidentally killed her cat and felt exactly the same way. She still can’t talk about cats without tearing up, years later.
I am sending you a huge hug.
Regular who is anon for this
I don’t think you’re a monster for swatting at a pet that was biting you and I’m very sorry for your loss, but I will tell you that you’ve made some comments to me here that have caused me a great deal of pain. I hope this tragedy and the resulting outpouring of sympathy and support you’ve (justifiably) received here makes you think a little more about how you treat others in this community.
KT
What? How/when have I made comments to cause you pain? I try very hard to be compassionate or helpful and not attack, so I’d honestly like to know where I went wrong so I can stop it in the future.
Not Appropriate
To Regular who is anon for this, your comment is really, really not appropriate here. If you are upset with her for making comments that have caused “a great deal of pain,” you should probably not make a comment that is surely causing her a great deal of pain. Particularly at a time when she is already in pain.
KT posts often and is frank and honest. If that caused you pain, maybe you should not come here and ask for opinions. Or maybe you should realize you’re not a special snowflake and not everyone here will affirm your every thought.
Your comment is rude and mean, and you should “think a little more about how you treat others in this community.”
Never too many shoes...
Seriously? Way to take KT’s pain and make it all about you without even the courage to use your regular posting name (thereby leaving her to wonder what she could possibly have said to anyone ever). This is not ok.
KT
Thank you. And you’re right-I just searched my for my name on the past 3 weeks of posts trying to figure out when I was rude.
OP, honestly, if you tell me who you are or what I said, I will wholeheartedly apologize and try to do better. I’m just at a complete loss.
anon
This is very kind of you.
Senior Attorney
Good grief. What the hell?
Totes inappropes, man.
Canadienne
What? KT is possibly the nicest poster on this site. I love all your pro-animal posts KT, keep on being compassionate and lovely.
Cc
So I wonder if you are thinking of K in transition. I originally thought kt was the same person but I am not sure anymore. Either way, d*ck move
Frozen Peach
You are not a monster. I’m honestly really angry at your husband for treating you like you are.
I’m so sorry you lost your little friend– what a horrible way to have to grieve for him. But he attacked you, and you in no way meant to harm him– just to protect your neck!! My mom took in a feral cat that has attacked her multiple times (ER visits because cat scratches get infected so easily), so I’ve seen this on the other end, where we have had to say, look, you can’t just let the animal attack you over and over because you love it.
Pets are pets, and we love them, but they are not human beings, and accidents happen. Birds are fragile to begin with. I hope you can be more tender to yourself today and give yourself some TLC. You have a right to grieve too. Sending you all the hugs in the world.
Attire
Oh how awful!!! KT, this person has it right–everything Frozen Peach said. Lots of love and internet hugs.
Meg Murry
Yes, Frozen Peach has said a lot of what I would have said. Accidents happen, and I’m so sorry this had to happen to you.
I’m also with others that this may not have been a phase but some kind of illness. Also, even if the bird had lived, after it attacked you on the neck, would you have let it out again? Probably not for a long while, if ever – so what kind of life would that be, stuck indefinitely in the cage by herself?
But any way you look at it, the death of a pet is hard, and I’m sorry.
KT
Thank you all. I keep replaying it in my head to figure out exactly what happened, but not to be cliche, it happened so fast. I must have hit him hard, his little neck was twisted :( I just wanted him to go back to his cage…
My husband adored this little guy and since he didn’t see it, I’m sure he thinks I overreacted and wooped the little thing. All he saw of it was the little body with blood coming out of the beak :(
And now my dog is hiding under the bird cage and staring at me. In my head, she’s glaring at me, but I (rationally) know she’s just confused as to why there’s no chirping.
Cc
Your husband, the person who picked you to be his partner for life, assumes that you whooped the bird harder than necessary? Honestly I would never forgive my husband if he did what yours was doing. He of course can be sad, but to turn against you and assume the worst of you when you are understandably grieving is so so so cold
Blonde Lawyer
KT, I’m really late here but know I’m thinking of you. Humans are animals too and we have instincts. I have a diabetic cat with neuropathy in his back legs. I was reclining on my couch and my cat jumped on me out of no where and lost his balance and dug his claws in me to stop from falling. He’s 19 pounds so even the jump hurt let alone the claws. I was dozing off when it happened and I picked him up and tossed him off me. I felt so bad because I think I tossed him harder than I should have. A few weeks later his neuropathy was acting up and I was positive it was really and injury from me tossing him. I was so upset. The vet assured me it wasn’t and that tossing an animal that is actively hurting you is natural. People do it to kids (on accident!!!) all the time. When my cousin was a toddler, he crawled up and bit my dad’s ankle. My dad didn’t even know he was in the room and kicked him, hard. It is not your fault!!
Meredith
Your posts here about your volunteering with animals show a wonderfully compassionate person. I’m sorry you are going through this. Take care!
Anonymous
Ummm what?!? Your husband can go straight to hell. You are not a monster. You were attacked, you defended yourself, it was an accident. A heartbreaking tragic accident. Your husband should be comforting you.
Delta Dawn
I’m so sorry! I know you didn’t mean to do that. I can’t imagine not swatting at anything that was attacking my neck. I don’t think people will tear you apart– you had a completely understandable reaction. It was an accident, and people will understand that. I wish I could help you feel better.
Runner 5
You’re not a monster. My much-loved family cat’s behaviour changed a lot in the last couple of months before she died and I admit that I snapped at her more than I’d like to admit. I wouldn’t be surprised if the behaviour change were to do with your bird’s illness.
cbackson
Oh, I am broken-hearted for you. I’m so, so sorry.
Wildkitten
You are not a monster. You reacted in a very understandable way to a scary situation and I am so very sorry for your loss. I will however also defend your husband, in that he is also reacting to a situation, and the story you are telling yourself about his thoughts is probably not what he is really thinking. It’s hard to be upset and grieve and still be kind and compassionate. You’re both hurting. You’re both going through something hard, and it sucks in a relationship when you are both going through something hard at the same time. Give yourself a few days. Give him a few days.
Blonde Lawyer
Very true. This happens when families lose a child too. They start to blame each other even if it is irrational.
Triangle Pose
I’m really sorry! Please don”t be so hard on yourself.
Anne Elliott
You’re not a monster but your husband sounds like a jerk.
Anon A3
You’re not a monster but your husband sounds like a jerk.
Anonymous
I don’t think you’re a monster. It was an accident, and I’m sorry for your loss. And your husband’s reaction sounds unbelievably cruel. Despite what your vet said, is it worth getting your bird’s body tested for illnesses? I don’t know if there are diseases that birds can transmit to humans through biting, but if this was a mammal you would 100% need to take the body in for rabies testing and probably get rabies treatment yourself.
Anonymous
Reply to KT of course.
Attire
What to wear to a queer burlesque show tonight? I am leaning towards jeans, black ankle booties and a tank top, but I want to maybe s3x it up a little bit. Not performing, just enjoying!
Shopaholic
silk cami instead of the tank?
TBH your outfit sounds pretty conservative for the venue. Are you decided on the jeans? Maybe a mini-skirt instead? Or leather leggings instead of jeans? Or a mini-dress?
Anonymous
anything that you love but are too self-conscious for cleavage, length, etc to wear anywhere else. rock it and have fun!
Tracking
Does anyone know of an app that is similar to “Find My Friends” but can work across with users of apple and android devices?
Anonymous
Gift ideas for a 36 year old woman, sub-$150? She’s married, has 1 kid, enjoys exercising, cooking, wine, and travel.
Senior Attorney
I like to cook and I am super in love with the 10-piece prep bowl set (about $30) and the salt and pepper set (about $80) from Blue Apron.
Libby
If she doesn’t have one, I’m in love with my thermapen thermometer that I got for Christmas. It was waaaay too much of a splurge for me to buy for myself ($100 for a instant read thermometer?!), but it’s way better than the cheap-o one’s I’ve bought before.
Jen
Yes, second this. get the waterproof one.
Frozen Peach
I love getting cookbooks from people who love them. Barefoot Contessa, Silver Palate…