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Updated: Jan 17, 2019 155 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Leather Slingback Pumps

Coffee Break

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Prada - 55 Leather Slingback Pumps - Black I'm always a fan of low heels like these cute ones from Prada, and maybe I'm crazy but the T-strap combined with the slingback feels fresh to me. (Although, interestingly, the product description notes that they were “plucked from the archives!” — everything old is new again!) While I do feel like open-heel shoes like this are acceptable to wear in the winter, for me these would be more spring/summer/early fall. They're $750 at Net-a-Porter. Prada – 55 Leather Slingback Pumps – Black This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Furniture

    I would like to upgrade my eight-year-old discount furniture store living room furniture. Any recommendations for stores that carry well-made long-lasting couches without breaking the bank? Similarly, I like to curl up on my couches and find that the bottom cushions often create a big gap with the back of the couch. How do I avoid that? What should I what should I be looking for instead?

    • Anon

      Costco. Seriously. Especially for top grain leather (not the discount store pleather that flakes after a few years).

    • tesyaa

      I second Costco and I find Macys has really good sales too. There are some couches in which the bottom cushions don’t detach from the couch itself; I would look for that as a feature (it also means you don’t have to clean under them, big win)

    • Anon

      I can’t speak to the long term quality since I’ve never purchased, but I’m very into Crate & Barrel sofas right now. I’m looking for something two people can lay on comfortably and they were very wide when we looked in store (I don’t know if that speaks to your curling up vibes)

    • MJ

      Macy’s–have gotten my past two couches from there and they’ve held up well and been a fraction of PB or West Elm or Room & Board or Aarhus. If you find a sale weekend (like this one coming up), you can get tons off.

    • Anon

      You want couch cushions with good inner springs and a lot of stiffness, at first. I have had luck with Ballard designs and Ethan Allen. I have not had luck with Basset or anything I bought from Macy’s.

      I do think it’s worth spending good money on the right furniture. I think my couch was $2000 in 1995, which scared the hell out of me, but hey, I still have it, and I’ve never had that cushion problem you describe.

      • Anonymous

        Counterpoint: I have a Bassett couch purchased in around 2013 and the springs and cushions are incredibly firm. It still looks and feels brand new. Which is actually kind of disappointing, because I seriously regret our choices of fabric and arm style and I am never going to get to replace it because it will never wear out.

  2. Anon for this

    Guys, I’m at my wit’s end. Over the past six years, I’ve gained +70 lbs. It’s not thyroid-related; I simply have poor impulse control and not so much willpower. I’m 42 years old, but my body feels much older with back pain, fatigue, lack of mobility, and my BMI is at 35, which is obese. I objectively know I need to drop some weight to be healthy now and as I age, but for the life of me, I cannot commit to dropping this weight. I’ve had some short-term successes and eventually the weight comes back. I’m at the point where I’m considering non surgical weight loss surgery, like gastric balloons, which seems insane to me. Have any of you been here and figured a way out? Help, please.

      • Anon for this

        OP here–yes, in conjunction with a doctor. It’s not that I’m unable to lose weight, it’s more like I always, always end up falling of the wagon, even as I’ve attempted to reframe this process as a lifestyle change. I feel like my own worst enemy. I’ve also tried cognitive behavioral therapy in an attempt to retrain my thinking. Something that makes this process so difficult for me is that, unlike alcohol or drugs, I can’t abstain from food entirely.

        • Anonymous

          You can’t abstain from food entirely although you can abstain from certain unhealthy foods if that is a route that works for you.

          At the end of the day, it is a fundamental lifestyle change for the rest of your life which is certainly analogous to alcohol or drug addiction. Living a life without the coping mechanisms you have relied on to date is a very scary thing and you need the right supports in place to have success and build new coping mechanims.

      • S

        And therapy? It sounds like there has to be something behind the ‘poor impulse control’, like you’re self-medicating with food. Any idea what the underlying issue is? Stress? Depression?

        • Anon for this

          OP–I absolutely agree. I have suffered from depression since my early 20s. I take medication, which makes it pretty manageable, and see a therapist from time to time, though I’m not sure we’ve had any real conversations about it other than making self care a priority. It might be time to talk to a therapist solely about this specific issue. Thanks.

          • Anon

            Are you on an SSRI? Those can cause serious weight gain, especially over time. Welbutrin was a savior for me when I gained 20 lbs in 6 mths on SSRIs (still trying to get those off) as it does not have weight gain as a common effect (and can even facilitate weight loss at the beginning for some people – I lost about 8lbs in the first month from Welbutrin, mostly from gaining the motivation to be a productive member of society again).

        • Anonymous

          This.

          I only got a handle on my weight after I worked with a therapist to build non-food related stress coping mechanims. There was a lot of ‘feeding my feelings’ going on in my childhood.

          Good for you for trying to take steps to improve your health. My motivation is my parents because I don’t want to end up like them. My MIL is ten years older than my parents and has always eaten reasonably well and been casually active. She is able to be so much more involved and active with our kids vs. my parents who are tired and unable to actively play with the kids despite being a decade younger.

    • Anonymous

      2 things:
      I was active in Overeaters Anonymous for a few years, and i found it very helpful. It is based on the 12 steps. It isn’t perfect but it was life changing for me.
      If I were you, I would focus on developing the willingness to loose weight. For me, that looks like praying/asking the universe for that specific thing. Sorry if that sounds woo woo; I really don’t even pray normally – it is just a way for me to acknowledge consciously that I actually really want to loose weight, and I want to get to the point where that desire is more powerful than my desire to not change.

      • Anon for this

        Thank you for this (OP here). I actually read it and just called OA to learn about how to get in on a meeting. It never occurred to me to try this, but it makes a lot of sense.

    • Housecounsel

      I chose lap-band surgery a dozen years ago. I was self-pay because my BMI wasn’t high enough to qualifiy for insurance coverage, but I have no doubt that I would be morbidly obese now had I not had the surgery. I know that the lap-band procedure has fallen out of favor, but it worked beautifully for me. I have never regretted it for one second. I still “struggle” with my weight, but it’s 10 pounds that I struggle with now, not 50 or 75, and the high and low end of those 10 pounds are both within a healthy range (hello, vanity). I feel like too many people dismiss the idea of surgery as only for people who are extremely obese and who have co-morbidities. Go see a board-certified bariatric surgeon and see what he or she has to say.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        I had gastric sleeve surgery almost 9 years ago and it was a game-changer. Like Housecounsel, I self paid because I wasn’t big enough for insurance to pay. Best thing I ever did. Like Housecounsel, I am “struggling” with 10 pounds these days rather than 50 or 60. It’s been like a miracle.

        I feel far more normal now, post-surgery, than I ever did when I was struggling with overeating and constant hunger.

        Go see a surgeon and keep an open mind. Email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you want to discuss further.

    • CrossFit

      I am that annoying person piping up to suggest CrossFit. You should check out their Instagram feed about all the people who regained their health/life through CrossFit and nutrition. I have friends at my gym who have lost more than 100 lbs. after joining and many who have gotten rid of medications they were using to treat comorbidities related to their obesity. It is 100% due to the community, not some magical exercise we do. But that community is what makes a HUGE difference.

      I know it looks absolutely intimidating, but it’s not. Most CF gyms are actually normal people, not competitive athletes, and people are really nice. Look at the Instagram and Facebook pages to see the people whose lives were changed by joining up with their local community. At my gym, we have athletes from age 5 (CF Kids) to age 89 (masters) and my SO and I are desperate to get his parents involved. They’re both starting to have weight and age issues and keep asking us what they can do to stop it. We seriously can’t recommend it enough.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry but I have tried three cf gyms over the years and they were all super judgmental of non fit people

        • Anon

          Totally agree. I’ve found the best sweet spot is cross-fit style classes without the name and ideally nested in a normal gym. You get the benefits of the workout without the pressure of the name or obnoxiousness of the people.

        • Ellen

          Yes, gyms can be tough. But if you can find a boyfreind who will support you, and you pay him back in kind for his kindness, you will loose some weight. When I was dating Gonzalo, I lost 10 pounds b/c I remember how he told me that women from South America were very shapeley and skinny in the right places, so I worked hard to meet his ideal of a woman, and even tho I later found out he was dateing other women at the same time, I took pride in changing my look to be more like the South American women he craved, and the $ex he gave me was so memorable compared to my ex, who just was good for huffeing and puffeing, and then rolling off me. Big deal. I can promise you that if you find a guy to keep busy with, you WILL take off the pounds the way I did, and hopefully keep them off as you become a new you! YAY!!!!

      • Anon

        OP clearly needs a lot more help working on overeating, which she is acknowledging here. Joining a cult gym is not the answer for her.

    • Nesprin

      If you’re 70+lbs overweight you’re eligible for gastric bypass or other surgery. The sad truth is that most diets work in the short run and nothing works in the long term (except for stomach reducing surgeries).

    • Anon in TX

      OP, this was me a while back. I didn’t gain 70 lbs, but I steadily put on weight and then noticed it was much harder to lose it, which was very demoralizing. I went to a doctor and they did some blood work and discovered that my hormones were all out of whack. Long story short, they got me back on track and the weight fell off and my energy surged. Have you had a full physical lately? It could be this…

      • not the OP but

        Can you elaborate? Was it just regular bloodwork or did they run specialized tests looking for something?

      • Anonymous

        I don’t know what Anon in Tx’s issues were, but I had thyroid antibodies despite a TSH within range, as well as insulin spikes despite a normal A1C. It actually could have been dangerous for me not to eat, my blood sugars were falling so low. I think what I was dealing with is pretty uncommon, but without the additional testing, we never would have known what was going on.

    • Anon

      You don’t have poor impulse control. Dieting just does not work. It has never been shown to work in any peer-reviewed research. How would you eat if you knew you didn’t have to start another diet tomorrow? If you eat moderately, exercise moderately, and address any mental health problems, you will end up being healthier and a lot more fit, even if your weight doesn’t drastically decrease.

    • Anonymous

      By no means have I solved this, but slow and steady and routine has worked best for me. I walk a half hour every day, I never compromise on a healthy breakfast, and I have at least 4 days in the week with no alcohol. When I’m feeling up to more, I add in more exercise and more focus on food, but by making this a non-negotiable baseline I’m able to hold on better.

    • OP

      OP here. I really appreciate your kind, gentle, and helpful responses. I’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating issues, including all types of disordered eating, and I’m planning to attend an OA meeting next week. I’m hopeful I can figure out why this is such an issue for me, work through it, and set up a realistic plan to stick to a healthier lifestyle, whatever that might look like.

      • Anonymous

        I have struggled with weight for years and years. Was in the process of getting approved for weight loss surgery when I was diagnosed with breast cancer so the weight loss surgery came off the table. I recently tried keto when at a friends for 10 days and the one thing I found remarkable was the lack of hunger.

        My weight loss experience has been that I can lose the weight (like 40-50 lbs) but then seem to go on a huge carb binge brought on by a never ending hunger. May be partially mental, but I believe there is something physical to it.

        I’ve started to read some of Dr. Jason Fung’s writing (kidney specialist who treats patients on dialysis) about reversing diabetes using keto and intermittent fasting and the impact insulin has on weight gain/loss and it lines up with my keto experience. I’m going to give this approach some serious effort when I am back from travelling.

  3. Honey candy

    Totally a low stakes question…I love Zarbee’s honey cough drops if anyone has tried them. Does anyone know of a similar product that’s basically the cough drops but without any medicinal benefits? I would love some honey drop candies when I’m not sick. The thing I like about the Zarbee’s is that they taste so strongly of honey, not just a vague honey flavor.

    • Anon

      It looks like the cherry flavor is just made of honey and cherry flavor, so I would consider them candy you can eat whenever.

    • TorontoNewbie

      Honibe! Am not sure if they’re available in the US but they’re a Canadian company that makes pure honey drops. Some of their products have cough drop stuff (menthol) in them but there’s an option that’s just pure dried honey. They have “honibe drops” that are just dried honey that are the perfect size of pre-packaged dried honey to go in your tea. I keep them at my desk. Link to follow

  4. Anonymous

    I hate these shoes. I like the front, but feel like they dont match the back. Maybe it is just that I HATE the back. I hate slingbacks, esp. for work shoes. much more of a wedding look to me. I also detest kitten heels. combine the two and Prada coudnt pay me to wear these.

    • BabyAssociate

      I also detest kitten heels and find them uncomfortable. I’d rather just have normal heels or flats.

    • Cat

      I don’t like slingbacks either. Either the strap is comfortable and therefore wriggles its way down your heel immediately, or it’s tight and rubs uncomfortably. If you wear pants, the hem is constantly getting caught around the strap/between your heel and the shoe.

      And kitten heels are the WORST — less comfortable than flats OR slightly higher heels, because your weight isn’t fully shifted to the ball of your foot and yet you still have to balance on a tiny heel.

      This pair would be nothing but misery for me, though I do like the T-strap. Raise the heel by an inch and make it a true heel (almost like a d’Orsay with a T-strap) and I’d love them.

    • Anon

      I completely agree. I was just looking through Prada’s shoe section on their website yesterday and everything looked horrendous to me. I’m not old enough to say “what happened to them” but I guess it wasn’t the style I was expecting when I thought of Prada.

    • Anonymous

      They look like something an elderly woman would wear. Like I imagine the Queen of England in these shoes for a state dinner (even though I know she wears a much chunkier heel).

  5. Anonymous

    So I’m a bit unmotivated today and was reading through the thread from a few days ago about female bosses. If asked, I would say that I’ve never had a great relationship with a female boss I’ve had, but after reading all the comments, I’m starting to wonder – are we all just expecting something out of our female bosses that we’re not expecting out of the male bosses? Are we all expecting champions for us without any other baggage? And just pleasantly surprised when male bosses go the same distance, because we just expect that they might not?

    • Anonymous

      Yes, and also somehow my male bosses ranged from meh to OK. When my female bosses were bad, they were nightmares.

      And we have one female boss here who is like Nancy Pelosi in a bad way: she will cut off your head and you won’t even know you are bleeding. And because she is female, no one is going to sack her.

    • Anonymous

      Subconsciously, absolutely. Consciously, probably some of us, yes. Bias is real.

      • Monday

        Totally agree. Our standards for femininity and authority/confidence clash against each other. So many women on this board have fumed about being criticized for doing exactly the same things at work that men do, while the men are rewarded for it.

        Due to fewer women in management, I think it’s also an issue of fewer female bosses in any given career. So it’s easier to generalize based on just 1-2 bosses. FWIW, all of my worst bosses have been male.

    • Anon

      I read this in Carrie Bradshaw’s voice. But I think you’re on to something there, in some situations at least.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      I commented on this a few days ago as a WOC who has had very bad experiences with female bosses. I can only think of once instance when a male partner was totally horrible to me, even though there are way more men in my field particularly at the partner level. I can think of dozens of times female partners were totally horrible, with totally horrible being a high or perhaps low bar (improper exclusion from meetings, forcing me to stay awake for inhumane hours, refusing to speak to me/literally pretending I don’t exist, etc.). I would take not totally horrible from any female partners I work with in the future at this point (there are currently none).

    • Anon

      Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. There’s a lot of evidence about the bias in university teaching evaluations – women generally get lower teaching evaluations, because they’re perceived as less competent, less fun, less relatable and I think the same basic principle extends to bosses. Scientific evidence shows it’s easier for all of us – men and women – to like and relate to men.

      • Anonymous

        This. Bias is real.

        Director at my workplace was constantly been talked about behind her back as ‘mean’ and ‘bossy’. The reality was her behavior was identical to her predecessor and the man that followed her in the role. People do not accept authoritative behavior from women.

    • Anon

      I had one woman boss and one woman technical lead in my career of 10 years(I am an engineer). I will write my experiences in a bit detail. I browsed the comments the other day and people also mentioned their ethnicity. I am first generation Indian. Unfortunately, very difficult situations I faced at work happened when working with women.

      Woman boss (Born American, Philippine descent) : Had a reputation for being ruthless. Had active cases of harassment/discrimination against her from her previous direct reports. Yelling at other people was very common. She had a reputation for her anger. However, she was an amazing manager to me. I had refused other cold call job offers as I really liked working for her. Everything was well until that day I expressed my concern about lack of upward movement in my career. I didn’t say I want a promotion, but said I was worried because of lay offs that year that targeted people who have not moved upward. She never liked talking about promotions, her reasoning was she knows when to promote people and that was not up for discussion. As soon as I brought up my concern, she yelled that she doesn’t like talking about it, if I expect a promotion , she will open the doors for me and I can walk of the team. She berated me for half an hour (essentially entire meeting). It took everything in me not to yell back with anger or burst into tears. I was never humiliated this way at work. She apologized to me after two weeks, but I could’t get over the way I was treated. I left the team.

      Woman Technical Lead (First generation Vietnamese immigrant): I have never met a person as insecure as her in my life. She had obsessive need to control people and no one had micromanaged me to that extent. I dreaded going to work. She would actively withhold information (after asking repeatedly for it)to retain her power, like I would never know the big picture of why I was doing something. She was paranoid about every one. She would frequently resort to bullying. It was awful for my mental health and career. She was essentially my ceiling. I complained to her manager (First generation Chinese male immigrant) once about her behavior. It was a very bad move, now both she and her manager started harassing me. Then I went to her manager’s manager (American white male , third level up from me) who understood what was going on. He gave me many job options to choose from teams under him and placed me in a better situation where I have more responsibility, authority and growth. He assured me that he will deal with the technical lead and her manager.

      Now, I am in a team with white American male manager and I couldn’t be happier. (He appears to be a feminist, very liberal and very excited when Elizabeth Warren announced that she was running for president. Is it a co-incidence? I don’t know). About the two women, I think my former boss would have dealt with a man the same way she dealt with me. She was aware of how women can be at a disadvantage in male dominated industries (she had spoken to me about it, she would tell me that people call her a b*tch, but she doesn’t care). With the technical lead, I think her behavior was more pronounced with me than with other males in the team. She treated other women in the team in derogatory way as well which made them leave the team. I could clearly see in the meetings how she would become aggressive when dealing with women and mellow when dealing with men.

      I am hesitant to arrive at conclusions, but I think if your female boss is a bully, then there is a very high probability that you will be targeted as women bullies like to target women more (female bully’s target will be women 75% of the time, where as with male bullies, it is split 50:50). If she is not a bully, then I think you being a woman will not put to you at a disadvantage.

      • Anon

        Also, to make it clear, I think there are bad male and female bosses in equal proportion. I am interested if bad female bosses target women more than men. So my comment is more about how a female worker may be affected by a female boss/person of authority when compared to a male boss.

    • Anon

      I was just at lunch with a male colleague and we were talking about the dreaded self evaluations, which are due at our company soon. He said he never knows how much to brag about himself. I remarked that it’s worse for women, because the perception when a woman brags about herself is much harsher than when a man does the same. And yes, I have been in the room full of managers doing the round tables when this happened.

      Bias is real, you guys.

      To the extent that there have been horrible female bosses in your life, think about how difficult it was for any woman her age to rise to a position of power and authority. Perhaps the only women who could put up with the BS were less soft than women are expected to be.

      I still think there are mismatched expectations among employees in how they perceive women bosses vs male bosses. OP I agree with you completely.

      For the record, I am a female boss. The best boss I’ve had in my career was female. My boss prior to her was charismatic and outgoing, she was not. So when she came into the role, people called her a cold b1tch and worse. But you know what? With Mr. Charisma the entire staff was working around the clock to meet his ridiculous expectations and unfocused ideas of what our team should be producing. With his replacement, we could take our draft work product into her office, she would suggest changes, and when we made the changes she would say thank you and we were done! No more wild goose chases for some half thought out enhancement or one more fantastical rock we needed to spend our evenings and weekends looking for.

      Was she a bit mechanical? Maybe. But the trade off was we got our lives back. Even so, all anyone ever said was that she was cold.

      Really, sometimes I feel like there is no winning.

      • anon

        Ooof, this is depressing. I have to say, my transition to becoming a boss was one of the hardest of my career, and it was partly because of being concerned about perceptions. Am I being too harsh? Not harsh enough? Am I giving valuable feedback, or just being nitpicky? When I’m having an off day, I tend to go quiet — it’s just how I roll. How are people perceiving THAT? Does that make me cold? Conversely, if I am truly frustrated, does showing any negative emotion whatsoever make me “scary”?

        It is exhausting, and there is no winning.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s unrealistic to expect a female boss to be warm and fuzzy when you would never expect that from a male boss. She’s still your boss, not a surrogate mom.

    • Anon

      Probably way too late for anyone to see this, but I was one of the people who talked about a horrible female boss and can safely say it was not bias. She was a terrible evil human being. I was not expecting her to be nice or motherly or supportive. I was expecting her not to scream at me, call me names, give inconsistent instructions and then blame me when I asked for clarification, or tell lies about me to her superiors. I found out after I quit that she did it to someone else before me; she did it to someone after me.

      Which is not to say that there is not real and active bias and that women in positions of power are often viewed negatively is they do not conform to societal ideas about what is feminine. It is also not to say that women as just as capable of that kind of bias as men. It is to say that women are not magically better people (or managers) than men. And the bullies and sadists do not get a pass because they suffered to much to get where they are.

  6. Small town options

    Asking for a freind, IANAL.
    Would being judge in a small town (appointed, not elected) open up options, or count for much on a resume? After about 10 years in criminal law, my friend is feeling a little lost and trapped, overworked and severely underpaid.
    Long-term, presiding over traffic court and shoplifting won’t be very satisfying work either. But do you ladies think it would be a step in the right direction?

    • Anonymous

      It probably won’t open up options, in the sense that she won’t be able to go from that to Big Law or something most likely, but it can be a great way to get clients if she wants to continue working in a smaller firm/solo environment. People love hiring former judges to take their cases of that ilk – they think they have an “in.” Plus it’s a good way to get out of the race for getting clients in the short run.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think that these jobs pay well. IIRC, many are done PT by senior lawyers who often will work PT in their law practice. PT = no benefits.

      IMO (and I am a lawyer who used to get appeals from these courts), it would be fascinating. For the $ though, likely not worth it.

      For the $, I’d try to get a gig as a federal magistrate judge or some sort of full-time hearing or appeals officer in something administrative. At least then you get health insurance.

      • anon

        Pay would definitely be better than current public work. Do you think this would help with later getting a circuit or federal court? Or possibly working for the state bar, down the road?

        • Anonymous

          I think that is going to depend heavily on the jurisdiction. Here in Georgia, being on a county superior court can certainly get you put in a pool of potential nominees for federal judgeships (but it is by no means the exclusive pool), but I have not seen that for lower positions like city court judges or county magistrate court judges.

    • Anon

      I think she should do it.

      The comparison isn’t between trial court judge and BigLaw; it’s between what options she would have after being a judge and what options she would have after another few years in her current role.

      So long as she could return to her job or a similar one after being on the bench, I say, go for it. She may move on to more complex cases in a different court. She may move up to the appeals court. She may find a quasi-judicial role that is a good fit for her skills. She may find that a private practice would like to have a former judge. She might run for office.

        • Anonymous

          Not anon @ 3:29, but:

          Administrative law judge; mediator; arbitrator

          I do think that this kind of role could help her later build a mediation/arbitration practice in her area, since she will be viewed as having a judicial temperament and experience making decisions, plus experience with a wide variety of legal issues, but it will be substantially more helpful if the court hears civil matters and not just the traffic/misdemeanors mentioned in your post.

          • anon

            Hmm…thanks to everyone who mentioned ALJ. I’ll mention that her for sure. It’s particularly interesting because she already has a reputation as being very fair and relatively unbiased, even while working one side of a case.

        • mascot

          I consider quasi judicial roles to be things like administrative law judge? In a small town, being the traffic court judge isn’t terrible and may open doors to trial courts later on. Or maybe probate court? If the finances work, I’d do it.

        • Anon

          Administrative law judge or similar. The pay can be quite reasonable and the hours, very reasonable.

      • Anonymous

        Quasi-judicial officer = non-judge with some judicial authority. They are usually called magistrates or commissioners. Depending on the state, they may handle matters such as first appearances and pretrial release decisions in criminal cases, traffic cases, small claims, and parts of divorce cases. Their decisions are typically subject to review by a judge. These are often part-time positions, usually county-funded, whereas judges are typically state-funded. In some states, magistrates are on call to sign warrants and handle first appearances 24 x 7.

        If your friend is looking at a part-time judicial or quasi-judicial position, she needs to consider the potential for conflicts if she wants to maintain a part-time law practice.

  7. Underdog and HSA

    Advice please on 2 items related to first week in new job….(1) I am very fortunate to get an extremely good position with a very well know firm where earning potential is very high in technology field over next 3-5 years. At previous employer, I may have been perceived as the solid, reliable underdog that worked hard to work my way up over 10 years…how do I leave behind the underdog/impostor feelings and shift my mindset to acceptance that I am right where I am supposed to be? (2) I have never used a HSA with high deductible plan – for those that do, how do you estimate how much to contribute to the HSA? Thank you in advance for advice on both items….

    • Anonymous

      (2) I am generally healthy, so I add up the cost of my regular prescriptions for a year and the cost of 4-5 doctor appointments throughout the year. If I know I need something out of the ordinary for the year, I use the cost estimate tool on the health insurance website and, assuming I don’t hit the max ($3250), add that in as well.

      The good news about HSAs is that you don’t lose the money at the end of the year like an FSA, so if you overestimate, it’s not a big deal. HSA money also stays with you even if you no longer have HDHP.

    • BabyAssociate

      For, 2) I’d max it out. I believe the single contribution max is $3500.

    • Anon

      Can’t help on # 1, but general rule is to put in the HSA at least as much as your deductible amount. It’s money that will stay with you so there’s no risk in contributing too much, but definitely too little. It’s essentially a 20+% discount on medical costs through the tax free part of it – take it. I personally put my yearly out of pocket max in (but it’s fairly low at around $5000) because if I don’t hit it with doctors appointments, I’m still using it for therapist, medicine, and you’d be shocked at what will charge to an HSA card at the pharmacy (makeup has ran through before, I didn’t question the blessing).

      • HSAL

        Just to flag this, the card itself won’t reject for a non-medical purpose, but if you ever got audited, you’d be hit with a lot of penalties for any non-allowed purchases. Probably less of a risk at a pharmacy, but I wouldn’t go crazy with it.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, the HSA card itself won’t stop if you buy something non-medical – it’s just a normal debit card (which aren’t that smart). If you charge something that’s not appropriate and you get audited, you could have issues.

        • BabyAssociate

          +1. The card won’t decline for ineligible purchases, so it’s not a “blessing.” I’d be more careful about that.

      • Anon

        My FSA card (I know that’s different from HSA) automatically accepts allowed purchases and rejects disallowed ones when at a pharmacy. It’s great.

    • Anonymous

      With respect to the HSA, is there a reason you don’t want to contribute the statutory maximum? Contributions are not subject to income tax, which is awesome, and they aren’t “use it or lose it” like flex spending accounts. I certainly don’t end up spending all the HSA contributions each year, but now I have a good “safety net” in the event of an expensive medical emergency. I also used it to pay for elective things like Lasik, and because the HSA funds were pre-tax dollars, it was sort of like getting a discount on the procedure.

    • Walnut

      I contribute the max to the HSA and treat it like a retirement account, so I don’t use the contributions unless push comes to shove and generally invest as much as the plan allows. One of my long term paranioas is how to plan for insurance during retirement, so HSA contributions is one way I ease that concern.

      • AFT

        Same, on advice of financial adviser. I max out and rarely/never take money out of it, and invest all that I can.

    • Anonymous

      Joining the chorus that if you can max out your HSA, do it. The fund can build over time, so in the event you have a bigger medical expense later on, you can pull from that fund. You can also use it to pay medical insurance premiums if you are ever unemployed and on COBRA. Most importantly, not only is the money you put in excused from taxation (both at deposit and withdrawal when used for a medical expense), but also you can place HSA dollars in an investment account and the returns are also tax-free.

      • OP

        I like this – all the replies about maxing out HSA contribution- thank you all!

    • Anon

      I get the advice to max it out – because the money is not subject to tax – but I don’t understand the advice to not use your HSA money. My HSA at least is at a pretty minimal interest rate, .3% or something like that. I have a significantly higher interest rate on my mortgage and my savings account, and money in the market generally grows much faster. Wouldn’t you be better off using your HSA for all medical expenses so you have more money to throw at these other expenses/ways of saving? What am I missing?

  8. Kk

    I have to go to Vegas for an internal company meeting, for four days. We do this every two years. There will be an evening event at a nightclub – open bar, snacks, entertaintment, etc, and everyone will have gone back to their hotel rooms and changed before the event. In previous years, women have worn all manner of outfits- from club clothes to work clothes to jeans and tshirts.
    A few women who are new to my team have asked me what to wear. I myself would like to feel comfortable and celebratory – not stand out for being too over the top for being too formal, too casual, too clubby, or too stuffy. What would you wear to an event like this? I was thinking skinny black jeans, pointy heels, and a v neck work blouse?

    • anon

      In Vegas now for similar event….what you described would be perfect. There tends to be a lot of walking across casino and conference centers, so over the years, I switch to flats for evening after wearing a mid heel during the day. So I also do the ponte or velvet blazer, skinny jeans and edgy driving mocs….pulled together but comfortable

    • Anonymous

      That’s exactly what I would suggest. Maybe not your clubbiest skinny black jeans, but I also wouldn’t worry enough to buy new ones if they’re on the clubbier side.

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re right on the mark, depending on what you mean by “work blouse.” I can picture some blouses I wear to work (particularly under suits or jackets) working, but many of my work blouses would be too stuffy in my opinion, for an event like that in Vegas. I picture more like a sleeveless shell (j.crew factory has a couple on clearance right now) or a silkier blouse if sleeves are your thing.

    • Anon

      When I go to industry conferences in Vegas I usually wear some kind of dress or skirt to all of the club events. Granted I usually go in the summer when it’s hot so that is probably a big factor, but there aren’t many women wearing jeans. I’ve seen bouncers who deny men access (to private, sponsored parties) for wearing shorts, so the club dress code sort of applies but nobody really cares what women wear.

    • Anon

      Please counsel the women, if they are new to the work world, not to drink too much. It can be hard when you’re starting out to really understand the difference between going to a nightclub with friends vs going with coworkers. A young woman I used to work with went way, way too far at an event like this, and it was all anyone talked about for months (especially the men), unfortunately.

      • Anon

        Why in the world would you give this advice only to women? That has no bearing on the pretty standard expectation that you won’t get wasted at a work event.

  9. Spending

    Silly post in the grand scheme of things, but would love tips on how you changed your mindset when you started earning a lot more than what you grew up with. It’s not anxiety, but maybe a combo of guilt and feeling like I should be using all this money to pay off my student loans and be super frugal (I am already frugal in comparison to folks I work with and most ladies who post here, but definitely have a hair stylist, ha ha).

    I come from a really humble background. My parents were incredibly hard working and when we needed a repair, especially cars (relevant to rest of my story), they would barter with friends, offer to buy the parts, and work with people within our immigrant community to make it happen and only repair what was absolutely necessary. It was hard and repairs felt like “bad luck” and things going badly.

    I have a new-to-me nice car I purchased a couple of years after starting my career. It’s a European car (fancy, but not $$$ or a Maserati or something like that), so the repairs are expensive, but it is in great shape and not very old. Its background is super clean and it’s been SUCH a treat to drive a reliable, well-kept, nice car. I also have a fabulous mechanic who is so kind and honest. The past few months, I’ve had a few items clustered together (new brakes, a couple of oil changes in between, brake fluid flush, new tires due to a pothole incident, etc.) and I feel uneasy/concerned at the amount of money I’ve spent when I leave the shop every time. I think it’s because I know how much of a difference that amount would make to my family back home and think that maybe I’m being irresponsible, while also knowing that the car is a great deal and a blessing, especially after driving a really great, but very very old car that required all types of repairs. I realize that on paper these repairs and preventative care are necessary in order to be a good steward of the car, but man, it’s hard.

    How do you talk to yourself about expenses (and even splurges) when the amount of money you are spending is something that if given to your family would help them tremendously? I also struggle with this because I am working on paying off my loans at a quicker pace, so I can save more aggressively, so that’s another thing that makes me cringe when I spend this much. I send my family money from time to time, but it still feels so irresponsible to me. Some of this was budgeted, but some was unexpected. Everything was covered by emergency fund and normal budgeting practices. Does this ever go away?

    • Z

      I find it helpful when I buy a car (used or new) to set aside the amount of money I am willing to spend on repairs. I’ve always driven older used but reliable cars where it’s easy to accidentally spend more than the car is worth replacing something major. Deciding how long I plan to have the car and how much I plan to spend on it (excluding gas/tires/oil/insurance) means I don’t have to think or worry about it later.

    • Anon

      I do a lot of my own car repairs, mostly because I think it’s fun. (If you need an alternator or power steering pump replacement, I’m your girl.) But it is a process of trading time for money, or money for time.

      Part of what your job pays you to do is to decompress on time off, and paid to work late when need be. They are giving you more money in exchange for more of your time. They are paying you to watch movies or read on the weekends so you are mentally switched on by Monday morning.

      And by the way, brakes, tires, oil changes are routine car expenses. Those are exactly the kind of things that you budget for. It’s the cost of owning a car – European or not, fancy or not.

    • embees

      I’m also making more money than I grew up with. I get through the anxiety of spending money (once I’ve done a rational assessment of whether it’s actually a “reasonable” amount of money to spend for The Thing/Service) is to acknowledge that me spending money to buy goods/services is supporting other people’s livelihoods. It’s a step removed from pure-barter like your parents did, but that framing might help.

    • CHL

      Might it be helpful to look at it in the reverse – i.e. think about how much you would want to give to your family each month/ year to feel like you’ve “met your obligation” and then manage the rest of your money in a way that feels responsible and reasonable to you, not feeling guilty?

  10. TMI Anon

    Apologies in advance for the TMI, but does anyone else here suffer from hemorrhoids? I have them for the first time ever I have no idea what to do. I have a desk job that involves sitting for 90% of the day and it’s become downright uncomfortable. The pain when doing my business is no picnic either. Any advice for making this more bearable or getting them to go away faster would be greatly appreciated!

    • Anom

      My only experience was when pregnant/post-partum. I took colace to make doing business easier (and permit healing). I bet Miralax would be good too (pediatric urologist recommends it for my DD’s constipation, so if it’s safe for a healthy 6 year old…).

      I’m sure you don’t need to be told that you should consult with a dr…

      • Anon

        Also had them postpartum. Colace made things worse for me, which is apparently the case for some non-trivial number of people. I used a combo of Miralax and Metamucil to make my stool very very soft for a while so I was able to heal. The witch hazel they gave me for my vag helped too.

      • Anonymous

        I had them so badly post-partum that I was prescribed an analgesic cream to apply, in addition to the tuck’s pads. It was cross to apply, but helped so much.

    • Anon

      I had them after my c-section. It took me a couple of days to notice because my incision was distracting but suddenly I thought “What is this?!” while bathing. I used preparation H and stretched a thick, night-time bad to the back of my undies to add cushion. After coming and going for almost a year, they finally disappeared for good.

    • Anon

      I had them and have never had kids…also thought I was the only 30 something ever to have them (outside of preg issues). Preparation H ointment was a lifesaver and cleared the issue up within a day or two–yes, really, that fast! The little wipe pads sting like none other, but keep things clean and are ultimately soothing. I was expecting to need to go to the dr but google assured me there was no need and things got better quickly with a little OTC care. Good luck! They hurt!!

    • chill

      Warm bath with Epsom salt. Witch hazel (tucks pad or squirt some on a cotton round if you have it already). Preparation H.

      Also, if it still hurts AFTER number 2, consult a doctor because you may have a tear.

      • Ellen

        I had hemoroids when I was dating my ex, and dad says it had to do with the fact that my ex seemed to want to input his thing in the wrong place, and my body was rebelling against him doeing that. Myrna says that was BS, and she has them b/c she sits to much during the day at her bank. Whatever it was, mine got better after I dumped my ex, so I kind of think dad was right after all. I would NOT tell Myrna that b/c she still has hers and she still works long hours at her investement bank. FOOEY!

    • Anon

      Do you know what’s causing it though? For me the cause is chronic constipation. So treating the hems requires treating my constipation, which is a literal PITA. I’ve gotten to a point where I know what it takes to have a good bowel movement, but it used to be super frustrating because I didn’t even know what actually helps. Doctors kept telling me to take Miralax, Metamucil or general veggies and fruits. And honestly none of it worked. I finally figured out oranges and chia seeds, plus tons of water are the solution for me.

    • Anon for this

      It hurts primarily because they’re bulging outside where they don’t belong. Put some Prep H on your finger and gently push it back in. It shouldn’t hurt any more. I have had them for years and it’s manageable.

  11. Therapy

    I had my first therapy session with a counselor this morning. She did about 90 percent of the talking – about her husband, kids, vacations, home decorating, ethnicity, etc. It was mostly in the context of my issues, but I feel like I didn’t get to talk very much, or elaborate on the issues I am dealing with. I don’t expect that all of my problems will be fixed in the first session, but I did not leave the session feeling better. Is this normal?

    This is the third therapist I have gone to. Never followed through in the past because I just didn’t “click” with them, for various reasons. I know that I should probably follow through this time and not be so picky.

    • I'm a therapist

      No, absolutely not normal. This is terrible. You’re not being “picky,” you’re having standards. Fired!

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like she wants you to be her therapist. I would try someone else.

    • SC

      In my experience, that is not normal. I like a bit of back-and-forth, not just me talking for 45 minutes, but therapy should be focused on you. I think you should give it one more try (maybe she just has a different format for the first session?), then move on. If your therapist talks at you for the entire 2nd session, you are not being too picky. Follow through on your own health by finding someone better. It may take a few tries, which absolutely s*cks when you’re struggling.

    • Anonymous

      That is not normal. By comparison – I don’t even know if my current therapist is married or has kids or where she is from and I’ve been going to her for 6 months.

      Previous herapists have occasionally shared details relevant to my therapy – e.g. when their wife experienced a stillbirth, somethings that helped her or emphasized with DH and the challenges of being an immigrant. That’s not inappropriate. But, it should be clearly related to a specific concern and be a demonstration of their empathy in respect of the issue you are seeking to address.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’m sorry you’re on your third try with this – it’s hard. Unfortunately it’s still possible for it to be the wrong fit, so I would move on. (Also, home decorating? I can see giving a bit about your background to a new client, but that seems…a bit much.)

    • Anon

      Not normal and not okay, but has happened to me. It took me several months to change therapists because I really needed to be seeing someone and dragged my feet to change. Keep looking. I’m sorry, though, the looking process sucks.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely not.
      If they’re still up, I would suggest going to look at Abra Belke’s (CapHillStyle) instastories – she just had a lot of posts on how to find a good therapist. Or, maybe you could DM her and ask her to send you the posts or create a “highlights” on her page. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I’m laughing with you. I personally never managed to find a therapist who wasn’t far, far more f%^*ed up than I am! But this idiot does not deserve a second chance. Next!

  12. Z

    Over the last week, I’ve been multiple spam calls and texts from area codes all over the place. The texts typically mention that they saw my resume on Indeed/Craigslist/ActiveHire/etc (even though I have not posted my resume on those sites) and they want to do a Google Hangouts job interview for a data entry position.

    4 or 5 years ago, I made the mistake of posting my resume on Monster and was inundated with spam calls. I ended up changing my phone number and the last time I job searched (about 6 months ago), I made sure to only send resumes/contact information directly and not to post anywhere. I do have my resume with phone number on my personal website, but you can only see the phone number if you download the pdf of my resume.

    Any idea how spammers are getting my number and why it all seems so job-focused? I’ve tried searching for myself on the websites mentioned in the texts, but nothing comes up. Has anyone else had something like this happen?

    • Anon

      I haven’t had this experience but if you can read your phone number on the PDF, the bots can probably find it. Also, most phone numbers aren’t terribly difficult to find with a cheap background search, so there must be accessible databases out there.

      • Sarabeth

        This. If it’s on a pdf, it can and will be scraped for data just like any other webpage.

    • Anon

      It’s a common scam, it could be robo dialing. They will probably “interview” the person on google hangouts, send them a check for “supplies” and then say whoops, we overpaid you please send back a portion of the check.

    • Anonymous

      I think side dishes don’t square well with pasta. I would do a salad or a crudite plate.

    • SC

      A light, simple salad–maybe butter lettuce, lemon dressing, ribbons of a hard cheese like Parmesan or Manchego, black pepper.

        • Anon

          Sounds great but I wouldn’t do the lemon dressing with a lemon cream pasta as the main. Maybe a champagne vinaigrette.

    • Vicky Austin

      What about asparagus or fresh green beans? They would both go well with the lemoniness, I think; you could roast them with some flaky salt or even a splash lemon juice, maybe add garlic? This looks delicious.

      • Horse Crazy

        Thank you! It is delicious – I’ve made it before, but never used a side dish. Thank you for the ideas!!

    • Anonymous

      I agree with the other suggestions so far, but will add: minted tender peas with butter

  14. ATLtoCHI

    I posted a while back about a job that would require me to locate to either DC or Chicago (my pick). Well, I got the job and am preparing for relocating from Atlanta to Chicago. Now that the excitement has calmed down, I’m starting to get overwhelmed with the logistics of a big move. We’re planning to rent for a year to get a feel for the neighborhoods we like before buying. Any readers have recommendations on neighborhoods we should be looking at or Chicago resources that would make this easier?

    Lots of trulia and craigslist options link to brokers, which I’m wary about. If you know Atlanta, I’m currently in Virginia Highland close to the Beltline. I love the walkability to restaurants, parks, and my yoga studio, the cozy/historic feel, and the short commute to my current office. My office in Chicago will be in the loop, and I’d like to be able to ditch my car and just do public transit/walking. Fiance and I are mid 30s, no kids (yet) and excited to explore the city.

    • Anon

      I love Chicago and would live as close to your office as possible. My husband lived on E. Oak Street more than 20 years ago (before marriage), and we loved that area. He found the walking commute to his office on Michigan Ave near Millennium Park pleasant. Enjoy!

      • Anon

        I’m back. Not sure how much space you want for temporary housing but 40 E Oak is still apartments but offers nothing larger than one BR/one BA with a spartan kitchen and bathroom. (You would have to store things and watch all of Marie Kondo’s netflix episodes.) We were younger than mid-30’s, and did not live together, so different situation but we loved that place and the surrounding area.

        • ATLtoCHI

          Thank you! Probably looking for two bedrooms/two bathrooms and somewhat flexible on budget, but would like to keep it under $3,000/month. It’s been a while since I’ve been a renter, but right after college, I always preferred renting a condo from an individual owner rather than an apartment building that is all renters.

    • South Loop

      I am mid-20s and live in the south loop and we love it! It is a lot of new development but equally parts of it are beautiful historic buildings. You can’t do better for proximity to the loop and we walk everywhere. My yoga studio is two blocks down the street near multiple grocery stores.

    • Potato

      Streeterville (v. close to the loop), Old Town and Lincoln Park (make sure you’re close to the red line) might all be a fit for you. On the south side, I’d consider Printers’ Row. Where will your fiance be working?

    • Anonymous

      Check out Lincoln Park! Super cute and fun area, and you definitely don’t need a car as long as you get a place within walking distance of an El stop of a line that goes close to your office.

    • Two cents

      You might try again tomorrow for a lot of responses. Lincoln Park (mixed apartments and SFHs, bordered roughly by Lincoln Ave to the west, the lake to the east, North Ave to the south, and Diversey to the north) is the easiest choice for your walking/yoga/historic feel. Location-wise, it’s a great fit for a year while you explore many, many other fantastic neighborhoods that each have distinct history. (E.g., I live in Uptown, which has car-free walking/yoga/history, but it’s a very different vibe and history from Lincoln Park.) And brokers are not unusual at all in Chicago–the landlord pays their fees, so you shouldn’t have to pay anything.

    • Aft

      I would live on the West Loop in your situation. It’s a super easy commute and is full of gym, shopping, newer apt buildings, etc. It’s really come along in the last few years and combines lots of amenities with proximity to the office. Also close to highway in case you want to get out of town or into the suburbs

      • smiley

        + 1 to West Loop – it’s coming along faster than South Loop, but there are still good deals to be had.

    • Roy Jr

      River North and West Loop will offer your best choices with an abundance of condo rentals. You can walk to work from those locations. You might end up settling into Lincoln Park or Lakeview or Andersonville after you’ve been here for a while, but for getting settled and started try River North or West Loop. Slight personal preference for River North. South Loop is also a decent option (I lived there for several years) but not as centrally located to the other neighborhoods you’ll likely want to explore.

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