Previously, on Corporette…
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Travel back in the Corporette time capsule… Here's what was on our minds oh so many moons ago. |
One year ago…
- What Makes Something Frumpy?
- What to Wear for a Month in Court
- Colleagues at Your Wedding – Must You Invite Them?
- Beauty Review: Touche Eclat
- How to Handle a Video Interview
- What to Wear to a Mock Trial Competition
Two years ago…
Can I use this as a space to ask a new question about the inviting colleages to a wedding topic? I work in a branch of about 40 people, and my particular “section” is around 6 people (most of whom I work fairly closely with or would in the future). For my wedding in August (around 225, we’re holding firm at not more than 250), my plan is to invite:
– My section (which is 1/2 people with My Title and half people with Senior My Title, plus a coordinator)
– My manager
– My branch director – I wasn’t sure about this one but consulted with someone else here who said she likes to be involved in things, and the director has taken time to sort of have informal 20-minute conversations with me about my life, to check in about how things are going, etc
I am also thinking now I ought to invite the admin assistant who sits next to me (we’re in an open floor plan office, all in cubicles, except managers and the director who have offices). She’s attached, as far as I can tell, to the director, and does work for the whole branch. I don’t know if this would be breaking the rule of either inviting no one or inviting everyone though – if the other AAs, or other people in the branch I’m friendly with, will be offended. (I’m not too worried about hierarchy issues, we’re not lawyers and are typically pretty informal among ourselves.)
If it makes a difference, I’ve worked here for 4 months, just got my contract extended through to two weeks after my wedding date (a 6 month extension on the original 6 month contract), have heard from both my manager and coordinator that they would like to keep me on longer if budgetarily/bureaucratically possible, and would like to stay on for another 1-2 years if possible.
Any advice would be much appreciated!
With the caveat that what works best for me may not work best for you, I’ve grappled with the same question on a smaller scale. My fiance and I are planning a wedding with fewer than 100 people; I work in an office of 10 people total. After going back and forth on whether to invite some (or all) of my coworkers, I hit on the question that made my decision easy: when I imagine my life in 10 years, will any of my coworkers be there? And for me, the answer was no. I decided that if my relationship is not close enough that I would stay in contact after leaving the company, then there was no compelling reason to invite any of those people to my wedding. My two cents, for what it’s worth, is that weddings are intimate celebrations with the people who will be there to support your relationship in the long run…which generally excludes colleagues from 1 or 2 year stints.
Like J, we had a smaller wedding (120), and I did not invite anyone I worked with, *except* for one person at the firm with whom I was a summer associate and friend. No one in my department was invited. I wouldn’t think anyone would be offended if you didn’t invite them. My department gave me a work party (eg a cake and picture frame) a few weeks before the wedding.
FWIW, I was in a dept with several other female associates, and none of us were invited to each other’s weddings.
Another vote for no invitations. Caveat that everyone’s office is different, etc., etc. … but I invited only one coworker to my wedding, and he and I were knew each other before we worked together. I fully support the rules of thumb given by the other commenters and would add the “Do you know their s/o? Do you socialize outside of work?” test as well. If the answer is no, then they are not personal friends and should not be invited to a personal event.
I just have to say WOW. 225 people? It blows my mind a little. My fiance and I are planning a wedding ourselves that we alone are paying for without incurring any debt and hope to do a destination one for 50-80 people for under $13,000. We are focusing on what we want (a traditional ceremony in the romantic Caribbean locale where we met followed by a FUN party and photos we will treasure forever) and we are eliminating absolutely everything that doesn’t matter to us – favors (most people don’t even take them home), formal invitations (we’ll probably just send out one card that tells people they are invited and to go to our website for the detains and to RSVP), the rehearsal dinner (pay for an extra meal for 20 people, including family who are unwilling to chip in- no thanks), etc.
I’m not criticizing and I’m really not envious either, because I don’t think I would prefer a big wedding anyway. But I just wanted to say that if you are getting help paying for this many guests, lucky you and best wishes. If you are paying for this yourself, enjoy and best wishes.
I think the number of people is highly dependent on the families. A coworker of mine is planning her wedding, and her fiance’s family alone is over 100 people, and that’s with it being an “adults only” affair.
To each her own.
So you’re not really envious, but lucky her if she’s getting help paying for it? A little snide. Are you really so blown away by someone having a 225-person wedding that you had to write a lengthy and fairly off-topic post to make the OP sound frivolous and/or entitled?
I was not trying to be snide, but yes I am blown away. A 225 person wedding, so big that she is considering inviting people she has only worked with for 4 months, blows me away. I’ve been to a lot of weddings and it doesn’t cease to surprise me what people are willing to spend. Sometimes these things become a purposeful display of wealth for the bride and groom or their parents. I recently went to an $80k wedding, and the groom told us what the budget was and that he would have rather their parents given them the $80k to use for a down payment on a home.
And no, as I said, I am not envious. I am a lawyer and a trust fund baby and I could have a $100k wedding if I wanted to, but I don’t think that would be a wise use of my m0ney. I am discouraged by my groom’s family’s unwillingness to chip in despite their ability to do so, but even if they were willing I think I still would not have a more expensive wedding.
I’m glad that you’ve found a wedding format that works for you and is affordable. Congratulations. I won’t lie – I don’t personally prefer a big wedding myself. I’ve had a hard time reaching a sense of balance and peace about this wedding (not the marriage though :)) and while it’s not my dream wedding, I’ve become okay with it because I understand it’s important for other family members to have this kind of wedding. I understand that this doesn’t work for everyone, and everyone should work out their own wedding (as with all major life decisions) according to whatever works for them. I hope your wedding goes off beautifully, but please don’t use mine as your jumping-off point to display how much better yours is, or to criticize me for making different choices. There are plenty of arenas for the former, and the latter is none of your business. Thanks.
I just wanted to say, eb, that I feel like I could have written this post. It sounds like our weddings will be similar size-wise, and I have had a hard time getting some peace about what my wedding will likely look like. I never really had a dream wedding. My fiance would like some kind of celebration (sometimes I call him groomzilla :) ), and I also understand that it is important to my family and I would probably devastate some of them if I did not have a “real” (to them) wedding or excluded a lot of family. I’m gradually getting more into wedding planning, and I try to get enthusiastic about things that sound like they could become fun, and I think that helps. And I just remind myself that the important thing is who I’m marrying, not how I’m doing it, and after the wedding is over, I get to be married to him. I hope your search for peace and balance is going well!
It sounds like we’re kind of in exactly the same place! Thanks for chiming in :) Best wishes to you and your groomzilla (he can come hang out with mine if he wants!) as you get through the wedding planning and embark on your marriage.
I married into an Indian family — and was therefore required (and I really mean required) to have a 270-person wedding that was an embarrassingly lavishly expensive wedding. It’s not what I would have chosen if it wasn’t so important to my husband’s family. And I absolutely *hated* the snide remarks implying I was frivolous, which made me feel even worse about not getting what I wanted. :) So, I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I hope you have a wonderful time. You know how I got through mine? I didn’t even pretend to try to meet everyone (through a receiving line or whatever). I just spent time with the 80 people I would have invited anyway. :)
Oh, and despite the big invite list, I did not invite anyone from work. It’s none of my co-workers’ business how big my guest list was and why. I’d been there for a little under a year at the time of the wedding.
Thanks for bringing this up – culture has a HUGE role in how big your wedding party is going to be. I’m nowhere near getting married but I already know I’m going to be forced into have a huge affair if the happy occassion occurs when I don’t even really want a wedding. Good for you for not letting it bother you.
Thanks for sharing, Callie.
Thanks J, L, and MM for the comments. :)
Brutal honesty: I am many years past my own wedding and am now starting to do round-2 of my friend’s weddings as they remarry after divorces. I never feel “honored” to be invited to the wedding of a coworker I don’t know well, and don’t socialize with outside of work. Mostly what I feel is “ah, crap!” Because now I know I will have to get her/him a work shower gift AND a wedding gift, get a babysitter, convince my husband we need to go, find an outfit, etc. All to sit at a reception where I know almost no one except maybe other coworkers who were invited, eating rubber chicken and making small talk about work on a Saturday night when I’d much rather be home, or out with my husband on a real date. Throw in the unfortunate tendency many couples have now of including extremely personal photos, rituals, toasts, etc. in their weddings – like the wedding we went to where the mothers of the happy couple did an extensive slideshow of naked childhood photos – and oy, vey. I end up knowing things about the coworker I wish I didn’t know, and then in two years or four years the coworker moves on or I move on and we never see each other again.
Not everyone loves weddings and jumps at the chance to attend one for someone they barely know. I love going to weddings of close friends, relatives or children of friends because they are emotional events that mean something to me. I’ve been to lots of weddings where I felt like I was invited either A. to provide one more gift or B. because the bride or groom felt like they couldn’t not invite me and then, having been invited, I felt like I couldn’t not go. When a coworker or subordinate has a wedding and I hear, apologetically, “sorry, but we just can’t invite everyone in the office so we’re not inviting anyone” or “we’re keeping it small” I breathe a sigh of relief. Don’t assume that the people you’ve been working with for such a short time will feel “honored” by being invited or look forward to it. I would tend to go with the other posters who say that with such a short tenure at your job, you should forgo inviting anyone. I really, really doubt anyone you work with will feel so offended that it will affect your career or your work relationships.
I appreciate the brutal honesty. I am truthfully concerned about people feeling an obligation to attend and give a gift. I may winnow down the list to just a few that I’m closer with – much to think about. Thanks.
Anonymous–if you’re still reading this, how big is your office?
At my location – 165. We have other people in other offices in the region. My department is about 25 people.
That’s helpful, thanks.
I could not agree more! My department is pretty small and I feel obligated to attend most of the events. Weddings are an expensive proposition- with the gift, clothing, and possibly a shower gift and babysitting costs, I think a lot of people are happy not to be invited.