Coffee Break – ‘Gardner’ Pump

Rachel Roy 'Gardner' PumpYes, these are kind of bright colors for pumps, but a) a pop of color is nice — imagine these with an otherwise gray-on-gray ensemble, for example; b) they’ve got good reviews on Nordstrom, and c) 50% off never hurts. Although I love a purple suede pump, I’m kind of leaning towards the blue ones here. They were $225, but are now $112.49 at Nordstrom (where they also have it in beige and black for full price). Rachel Roy ‘Gardner’ Pump


Psst: Check out more great deals at the Corporette Bargains page!


  1. Does anybody have Uniqlo leggings? I’m … intrigued … How do they look / wear? Link to follow.


      • Are you talking about the corduroy or the regular? The regular ones are ok, if you generally like the style. The corduroy look great from afar but are ridiculous from less than 1.5 ft. away. My thoughts when I saw them were, “ooh, what’s this?” immediately followed by, “and I think the leggings as pants trend has finally gone way too far.” The fabric just looks like something you’d make really cozy slipper socks out of. I saw someone wearing them on my way to work last week, and it didn’t look much different in real life though I generally liked the woman’s outfit – I just think that when someone makes a movie involving all the terrible fashions of 2012, this item will definitely be among the ones included. That said, they were very comfy looking, so maybe ok for home use?

    • LeChouette :

      they are awesome. I have the black ones, look just like black skinny jeans but so comfy. the material is fairly sturdy, so they are not confused with hosiery.

      • Thanks, ladies. I might dip my toe in and try a pair. I was thinking the bright colors would look great w/ knee high boots, but there’s just something about the pants that make me wonder if they wouldn’t look frumpy? Every time I see them, though, I’m like, “OOH, ALL THE COLORS!” And the price tag isn’t nearly as painful as J Brand skinnies, which are my go-to.

    • I have the corduroy ones, bought a couple of years ago. Great with boots and for travel, super-comfy, not at all frumpy, although I wouldn’t wear them for anything remotely formal or with something tucked in. I’ve checked out the non-corduroy ones in store recently and reckon they seem less nice (fabric feels more synthetic). Also fyi that the pockets are fake.

  2. karenpadi :

    LinkedIn Etiquette Question:

    A number of mentors and clients have recently “endorsed” me on LinkedIn. I’m honored.

    What is the etiquette here? LinkedIn note to say “thanks!”, endorse them back (but they are all mentors/clients and that feels like brown-nosing/gifting up), other?

    Also, one is a former mentor who I’ve cut all communication with because he tried to have an affair with me and persisted in being creepy after I told him no. Do I have to thank him?


    • I don’t think thanks are in order. LinkedIn seems to have changed their settings recently so that you get prompted to “endorse” people (a random smattering pops up for me) when you log in.

      If it’s someone worth reconnecting with, by all means, say thanks if you like. But if it’s a creep? Absolutely no obligation.

    • If it’s people I want to keep in touch with, I would send them a little note – thanks for the endorsement! want to get lunch and catch up?

      In general, I endorse back when I can (as long as it’s honest).

      If you don’t want to keep in touch, like creepy mentor, no acknowledgement necessary.

    • I think the consensus is that it’s totally fine to ignore them. If it’s someone you’d like to reconnect with (ie. mentor from an old job), it’s a great way to catch up, but if it’s someone you’ve cut contact with, by all means, just delete the email notification.

    • karenpadi :

      Thanks everyone! I’ll will go back through the list and see if I can get back in touch with some people-but not the creepy guy.

    • I was pretty honored when some of my skills were endorsed by my contacts endorsed me, until I went logged on to check something else on LinkedIn and saw how easy it was. I got sucked into endorsing skills for about five minutes – it’s almost game like. I meant the endorsements, and only endorsed skills I really knew people had, but it definitely wasn’t an incredibly thoughtful process. Definitely safe to ignore the notification.

    • The manageing partner want’s me to get on to this Linked in websight and get some recomendation’s like this. Does it cost money? He think’s it is the next Martindale Hubble and we should be a head of the power curve.

      How does our law firm get listed here?

      He also wants me to start tweeting on Twitter. I do NOT have the time for all of this stuff, particularley b/c I have so much cases to keep on top of. I think HE should be tweeting, not me, b/c after all HE is the manageing partner. FOOEY!

      I do think I can get good recomendation’s from Roberta, Jim and alot of the former cleint’s. 2 of them went to another firm when the manageing partner did NOT reduce my hour’s. I told him they were goieing to be mad, but he did NOT listen to me. FOOEY!

    • WorkingMom :

      I agree, I think a response is only necessary if you want to reconnect or meet up.

      Related… I want recommendations and endorsements! I don’t have any … colleagues and clients will email me all the time and tell me how great I am, but no action publicly. How does this work? If I endorse someone will they likely reciprocate? (Of course I would only do so if it’s an honest endorsement or recommendation.)

      Do people usually ASK for those recommendations? (the written ones, not the endorsements.)

      • Adding to your Q, do these LinkedIn endorsements even mean anything at the end of the day? I’m sure they can’t hurt, but do they help in any way?

  3. I love the color and quite frankly have no problem with color like that in the office. My concern is the height of the heels… 4 & 3/4″ (!) I think that’s inappropriate for even a semi-conservative work environment and particularly so in a more conservative setting. However, for a date with the hubs… now we’re talking.

    • I love the colors — great and refreshing, and would wear in a heartbeat — but all those 4″ or higher heels that are shown on this site look very young — and not in the good “breath of fresh air” way, but in the “little girl playing dress-up.” I think you ladies who are trying to angle for the corner office don’t do yourselves any favors when you walk around in 4″ heels.

      • This seems to be splitting hairs to me. Some people would think bright blue heels like ones shown are little girl playing dress up. You call colors refreshing but height not. I don’t see the difference. As long as you can walk well in them, and you carry yourself confidently, then I think high heels are fine.

        • I agree that how you carry yourself and how you walk is important, but I think I see the general point of what Sharon is saying. Shoes this height/style weren’t a part of a professional woman’s wardrobe until just a few years ago and so they read very “now” in a way that doesn’t necessarily lend itself to being taken seriously as a professional. I always notice this when I watch movies from before 2000 – the high heels are not all that high! So, I think for some people, esp. older folks, there’s an association with these shoes and younger women, whether that is justified or not.

          As I said, some people really pull it off and more power to them, but I don’t think that everyone who thinks they pull it off actually does so just something to think about. In my large office, with only a handful of exceptions, this kind of shoe just says, “intern.” So it’s definitely a know your workplace kind of thing.

          • I see your point. Of course, I didn’t really register that these are 4.75 — that is out of my range. I do about 4 inches max.

          • Sometimes .75 can make a lot of difference! I don’t even blink at 3.5 but once we get to above 4, I start to wonder… ;)

          • WorkingMom :

            I think they are gorgeous, and I love a bold color, but I simply could not wear that height of heels for the sake of my foot bones! A 4 in. heel is usually my max, while most of mine fall between 2.5-3.5 inches. I am short (5’1″) so I can pull off a higher heel without looking like it. People don’t usually realize how short I am until I wear flats. A 3 inch heel just barely gets me to “average height.”

            Plus – regardless of height, a bold shoe I would like only wear with pants anyway, I feel like wearing those with any skirt (even a conservative fit/color) would be too bold, IMHO.

      • I don’t think that it’s really the inches per se that can look off, but the overall look, including the rest of the outfit (pants will look more conservative, a skirt that is on the shorter side of long enough less so), the skill of the walker, and even the woman’s body type (a leggier woman might have a harder time pulling them off right).

        I don’t usually keep track of heel hights, so I’m not sure, but that does sound really high.

        • MaggieLizer :

          Well said. I have some 4″ heels that I could run a freaking marathon in (and practically do chasing fast-walking partners all over kingdom come). I don’t think most people will notice that your heels are 4 to 5″ versus 3 to 3.5″ unless 1) you’re teetering along with baby steps looking like a stiff breeze could blow you over, or 2) your skirt is too short for the office anyway and the extra inch or two of leg that the heels give you just draws more attention to that fact.

      • That’s funny, because men don’t usually fantasize about little girl dress-up shoes being wrapped around their shoulders, and that’s what 5″ heels make me think of.

        (Your overall point, obviously, still stands. Not for the office.)

  4. Research, Not Law :

    Black skirt with brown boots – is this okay? I had always thought that was wrong, but the stores are filled with brown boots and brown skirts are hard to find.

    Also, a big thank you to everyone who suggested lace shift dresses last week!! That was so incredibly helpful.

    • I think it’s like wearing navy with black – totally okay as long as the colors are distinct enough that it’s clear you weren’t trying to match.

      • Agreed. If it’s a light brown or cognac, I think there’s an especially clear distinction so it doesn’t look like you got dressed in the dark.

      • Maddie Ross :

        This. When it’s clear that you are coordinating, not matching, I think it actually looks really good.

    • I will sometimes wear black and brown together if I can make it look deliberate, and not like I accidentally grabbed brown tights instead of black tights. There are a lot of colorful skirts that would look good with brown boots, though, not just brown.

    • heck yeah!! I wear brown boots w/ black skinnies all the time. Black and Brown are both neutrals, so there is no reason they can’t go together.

    • Research, Not Law :

      Ahhhh… I see. Thank you!

  5. So ladies – I need some relationship advice. My boyfriend is not pleased with me at the moment (had an overly flirty encounter recently – nothing happened but nonetheless, situation was probably inappropriate). He claims he’s not upset, that we talked about it and he’s over it. Generally I would believe him, but he’s been really distant with me. It’s possible that he’s just preoccupied and distracted because of work but I feel like it’s just too much of a coincidence and I’m scared he’s getting emotionally disconnected (this is how generally all of his other relationships have ended – he just emotionally disconnected from his girlfriend).

    So what do I do? Do I just act as normal as possible and hope this passes?

    • If it were me, I would tell my SO that I really appreciate how honest we are in our relationship and that I can take what he says at face value, but I just want to make sure that he is actually over what happened. If he says that it’s work or some non-relationship stress, you could ask him how you can support him (plan a date night, watch TV with him to unwind, etc.).

      My SO is very much a “you can believe me when I say it’s ok because I would tell you when it’s not” person, but it’s so different from what I’m used to with other people, sometimes I need the reassurance, even after 4+ years together.

    • Susan (edna_mode_nyc) :

      Can you give us a bit more detail about what happened?

      Was he present (and observing) the episode in question? Or did he hear about it second-hand? Or did you bring it up yourself afterwards?

      Has this sort of thing happened before?

      Without any more information, all I can offer is, sometimes a person says, “I’m over it, it’s OK” to mean:
      “I’m not actively angry with you any more about this incident, but I’m still processing what it means about you as a person, and what it means for us as a relationship. I don’t know what to think yet, so I’m keeping my mouth shut since we’re fresh off a confrontation. Don’t want to make things messier than they are. Let me let this percolate a bit more…”

      • totally agree with Susan about the thought process. I think we need a little more detail into how he found out. (ie was this deception or a miscommunication) Also if you don’t mind sharing, how serious are you? this is something he may just have to mull over. People have different tolerences for this type of behavoir. He might just need to think it over if he is ok with this. This in general is a good thing. If he has a zero tolerance policy, thats something you need to mull over too.

    • How emotionally disconnected was he when the flirty episode happened?

    • I told him about the incident afterwards – we operate on a full-disclosure basis so I was very honest about what happened. Similar incidents have happened before (although not to this extent) and he’s generally laughed it off. His philosophy is that when I go out without him, I’m going to be hit on so there’s no point getting upset about something he can’t control.

      I’m scared of losing him but I’m also scared if I bring it up again, it’ll become the thing we rehash constantly and we won’t be able to get past it. Maybe he just needs to process and it’ll be ok soon (wishful thinking over here)

      • I think it’s great you both are honest with each other. My question is: is it the guys hitting on you or you returning the flirting that has upset him? I can appreciate that he doesn’t want to get worked up over dudes trying to hit on you, but I would be upset if I was with someone who engaged back. There are ways to be polite while making it clear you are not available.

    • How much time has passed?

  6. Temp Anon :

    Need some career input from the hive!

    I have a job offer that looks great (role, salary, career prospects) for a large tech company. I would be management, not engineering. The one problem is that this company was known for being super competitive and white male dominated at least until 5-6 years ago. I am not sure if this is still the case.

    My question is: What questions should I ask the current employees (male and female) that can help me suss out whether the culture has changed?


    • This is such a tough question to answer without making sweeping generalizations. The tech industry is male-dominated by default, even today. There are isolated bubbles of tech companies with more balanced gender distribution – small companies or small groups. It’s also hard to get a feel for company culture without actually being part of the company.

      I wouldn’t even say having a female interviewer or women on the company website means that company is particularly progressive – there are token minorities everywhere. I’d say the most important thing is personality – does it mesh well with current employees? What and how do current employees joke around? How do they treat each other? If you have the opportunity, observe the banter during a lunch meeting or a similarly not-so-formal meeting.

      • Temp Anon :

        Thanks! I will be keeping my eyes and ears open when I go or an “extended” visit in a few weeks. I do realize that I’ll be in a gender minority in tech (which I wasn’t totally planning to go into originally), but did want to get a sense of whether it’s a meritocratic gender imbalance or an institutionalized one.

      • Research, Not Law :

        Definitely listen and observe. Looking at numbers or faces is not a good indication. You’ll likely know pretty easily based on how men treat you or how the women describe the work environment.

        I’d ask about the informal assignment of roles and responsibilities (listen for: are women mother hens or too XYZ to perform a certain task). I’d also keep your ears perked in the cafeteria, coffee station, or wherever people gather to listen in on conversations. It may be useful to ask about career advancement or leadership development opportunities, depending on your position, just to check the non-verbal response. Advancement of women into leadership positions naturally lags cultural shifts in workplace equity and respect, so I would gage interest and acceptability over results if the shift would have occurred in only the last five years or so.

        • Research, Not Law :

          Oh, I’d also look at how the women dress. If they are wearing more feminine clothing (skirts, loose blouses, florals, pink), it may signal a more comfortable environment than one in which the women are mainly wearing masculine clothing (khakis and polos). This is based on a limited number of anecdotal observations, so don’t bet the farm on it, but I think there’s a small truth to it when taken with other observations.

          • Lady Enginerd :

            +1 anecdatum on this. I think it’s a good indicator of whether the women have to worry about things like being mistaken for a secretary if they wear skirts or feminine attire. Not that every woman needs to dress in this way but I agree it’s a reasonable quick and dirty barometer.

    • karenpadi :

      I would approach this in the interview by not approaching it.

      First, I would look for red flags: are the men saying creepy things? In an interview, they should be on their best behavior so if creepy things are said then, well, it’s an accepted part of company culture and it’ll only get worse. Do the women “joke” about being hit on or being a “den mother”? If so, they are trying to communicate that these behaviors are par for the course.

      Second, I would ask questions about the corporate culture like: What is a typical day like? What qualities do you look for in a candidate? How is work allocated? Many times interviewers will use it as an opportunity to give you a warning about what have been dealbreakers for past employees.

      Third, if you get a one-n-one interview with another women who is at your level, I’d ask about the former reputation of the firm. “When talking to people about Company X, they bring up a concern about the culture being really fratty and good ol’ boy. I was just wondering if that’s something I should be prepared for.”

      • Temp Anon :

        Thanks! The good news is that they have already given me the job offer, and I kept very cautious about the whole culture thing during the interview process. I will definitely be asking the questions about the former reputation now that the leverage is on my side!

        • If you’re going into a company that’s undergoing a big cultural shift, be prepared for resistance. There is much to gain, but it can be very challenging. Twice I was hired into jobs where I was an outsider, hired to bring a new perspective and help shift a dysfunctional culture that the organization knew needed to change. In both cases it was a tremendous challenge and a lot of “we don’t do things that way here”. I got a lot of pushback and refusal from people who should have followed orders (in my profession, we give orders). If you can cope with that and maintain a sense of humor, you should be ok.

  7. Resume question :

    Hive: I’ve been working as a contractor for about a year through a consulting firm. I’m not an employee of the consulting firm, I’m a W-2 worker for them. When they presented my resume to the company where I’m working now, they reformatted the resume and added a title, let’s say, “Jane Doe, Minister of Awesomeness, AAA Consulting Firm.”

    Now I am out searching for a permanent position. (My contract was just extended indefinitely, so no problems from the firm’s side.) My impulse is to have my title on my resume as above, since that’s how the consulting company has represented me to the company where I’m now working. But I’m a little worried that when (if!) it gets to the background check, the consulting company will tell my prospective employer that I don’t have a title with the consulting firm because I’m just a sub.

    I don’t have anyone to ask about this since obviously the consulting firm would be displeased to hear that I’m working on leaving. I guess I just don’t trust that they wouldn’t present me to the outside world one way while not actually giving me that status. Any thoughts?

    • How are you differentiating between a W-2 worker and employee? If the company gives you a W-2, you are their employee.

      • She must mean NOT a W2 worker (so, 1099)…right?

      • Resume question :

        Well, I signed a letter with the consulting firm that I was at-will for the length of the engagement with the company I am hired out to. I don’t get benefits, I am paid hourly for the time I work for the actual company (no paid vacation). The consulting firm is withholding taxes, thus I am getting a W-2, not a 1099, but I still don’t have the status of someone who is a full employee by the consulting firm, if that makes sense?

        • Sounds a little more like a full time/part time employee distinction (or hourly vs salary) than employee or non-employee. My take is that if they paid your wages, then they are the employer. If the more pertinent information is about who you were doing the work for (someone other than the person paying your wages) you should definitely include/explain that, as noted below.

          • Resume question :

            Thanks, this is helpful. I guess it’s more about can I use a title they gave me when they were talking about me to the company they wanted to farm me out to, that I’m not sure they actually gave me in my arrangement with them!

          • I think if the title was used with any regular capacity to describe your role, there is an argument for using it. I’m also currently at a place where we basically have to invent our own titles, so take that for what it’s worth.

        • I would say you are an employee, but a non-exempt one. Sort of like you were working part-time retail: you get a W2, they pay unemployment tax, they pay the employer part of your tax, they withold taxes for you.

          thus, at least from the IRS’ point of view, you are an employee. You’re also on their books as an employee in the case of any HR background checks. I’d use the title, but perhaps put in your bulleted items underneath something like “served as a consultant and did “[x] [y] [z] accomplishments achievements]”

    • Ex-consultant here. I would put the title they gave you but you need to qualify it, maybe in (). Something like “Minister of Awesomeness (external expert for x project)” and make sure your bullet points make clear what your relationship was to the team. I say this because I once had a friend who was interviewing a candidate that told him he was “minister of awesoneness” for the my firm with no further info. I told him that not only did I not know this person but we do not have that title at my firm. That cannot have helped his application, and it was not until later that I realized he could have been an external contractor and told that to my friend. Basically, you risk misunderstanding and suspicion if you just use the title and I don’t think it hurts your qualifications that much to say you were a contractor.

      • Resume question :

        Oh, good, that makes me feel better. I only have the title on my resume connected to the consulting firm, not the company where I am contracted to, but I will see what I can do to make it a little clearer. I appreciate it!

    • By the by, you might want to check your state’s labor board website with respect to misclassification of employees…sounds like they are treating a LT contractor as an employee and that can be a no-no, particularly if the assignment is long in duration and there is no talk toward permanent employment. There’s a multi-pronged test for that, but…check to see how you fit with the criteria.

      I’m just sayin…..

  8. When do I get to declare myself too old for going out? My friends are making plans to go out to bars for Thanksgiving weekend, and I’m just tired. I know that I’m still technically young, single, etc. and supposed to be “living it up,” but honestly, I just want to have a nice dinner with friends and go home. And then tell the kids to get off my lawn.

    • Story of my life these days.

      I don’t have a good answer. I’m 28, and if it’s something special (like someone’s birthday or out-of-town friends are in town), I generally go along with it. I still go home after three or four drinks, though; staying out until 3 is just not fun any more. I realize I sound like a complete curmudgeon in this post – I really do like to have fun in other ways! – but going out is really only fun with my close friends, whom I don’t see that often.

      • Haha, I’m 28 too. Maybe that’s the magic age where it stops seeming like fun? I’m actually going to be the one coming in from out of town, so I’ll go along with it.

        • AnotherLadyLawyer :

          SAME! So nice to know I’m not alone in the too tired/curmudgeon camp.

        • Meg Murry :

          Even if you are the one coming in from out of town, it’s possible they are making the suggestions in a “like the good old days” spirit, but they don’t generally go out late all that often either. Might be worth asking if anyone wants to start out the evening earlier at a restaurant instead of waiting until later to go to bars – that way you can actually talk to each other instead of spending the night yelling in a loud bar.

          As an aside, I read an article that compared staying up really late on weekends then going back to an earlier schedule during the week as being effectively the same as jet lag, and now that I look at it that way, it’s totally true. I’ll stay out late occasionally for special occasions, but I always pay for it over the nect few days

      • Also 28. Haven’t stayed out until 3 since college (partly because everything closes between 1-2 in Boston!). But after 27, my “curfew” moved from 12/1am to like…10:30 or 11. With a yawn.

        I always try to attend, even if only for a little while. Then I peace out and get a good night’s sleep, like a grown up. I know enough to treasure a full night’s sleep.

        • KansasAnalyst :

          I’m old and cranky and only 25! I think the likely cause of that is the four month old little boy that likes to party all night :)

          • I don’t have the baby excuse. my dog likes to get up early…does that count ? ;)

        • also "old" :

          I’m 26 and my curfew is 10:30/11. And I only stay out that late on weekends.

      • 27 and feel the same way! Though it started at 25/26. and I’m not married!

    • Whenever you want! I am 32 and I for sure have those moments. Going out and having a few too many drinks in a loud crowded bar is only fun once in a blue moon these days. Your friends might goad you initially, but you can just ignore that. :)

      • I agree – there’s no age requirement! I save going out for the big occasions (birthdays, job offers, engagements, etc.). Otherwise, I’m perfectly content being in bed by midnight.

    • Legally Red :

      Hah, I’ve been thinking the same thing for a few years now. No one has invited me anywhere, so I’m hoping they’ve reached the same conclusion (or are tired of me yawning by 10:30).

    • You guys are making me feel like a raging party animal!

    • If you’re referring to it as something that you “get to” do rather than “have to do” it sounds like you are ready! Go ahead and don’t apologize. There’s no rule saying that you have to stay out partying all night just because you are in your 20s.

    • My grandmother asked me last night if my husband and I watch a certain TV show, but then she said, “oh, it’s probably on too late for you.” It comes on at 9pm.

      • Sadly, on some nights, that WOULD be to late for me. Especially if it were an hour long. My goal in life is to be asleep before 10.

      • Legally Red :

        My grandma has a much wilder social life than I do.

    • +1,000,000

  9. I bought a wool skirt from B a n a n a that has gotten so stretched out that it is basically unwearable; I feel so frumptastic in it (even worse than the No. 2!). It is now at least one to two sizes too big and is always really really wrinkly. Is this something they would consider taking back, even if just for store credit?

    • viclawstudent :

      How long have you had it? Did it stretch that much in one or two wears, or are we talking a long period of time?

      • Just one wear. I bought it probably a month ago?

        • I think it’s worth a try. I would take it to the store and nicely explain to the sales associate (and then the manager if s/he calls the manager over) what happened, emphasizing that you only wore it one time and never washed it.

        • PharmaGirl :

          I’ve returned a pair of pants to Banana for that very same reason (with the receipt) and they took them back.

        • I believe that puts you within their 45 day return policy; and just explain that it’s a manufacturing defect in the wool or something.

        • I did that with a pair of Banana jeans one time — after one wear they were totally fugly, but they took them back.

  10. Two Cents :

    Need some recs on cute, high quality maternity clothes besides Seraphine Maternity, Isabella Oliver, and Picchu. Getting tired of wearing the same clothes over and over again. Already checked out consignment, don’t want to do Ebay because most don’t accept returns. Thanks.

    • migraine Sufferer :

      japanese weekend

    • Second Japanese Weekend, also Maternal America and Olian Maternity. Have you checked out Boden? They didn’t do maternity when I was pregnant or else I would have been all over that.

  11. Legally Red :

    Anyone else think that Maryland and Rutgers joining the Big 10 is a terrible idea?

    • I went to Northwestern and to be honest don’t care about sports that much, but it doesn’t seem stupid. Big 10 is a midwestern (plus penn state, but being from philly I maintain that anything east of Philly is the midwest) conference!

      • and by “doesn’t” I meant “does”…

      • Legally Red :

        Yeah, I’ve been to Maryland’s campus, and I totally don’t see how it would fit in with (except for Northwestern) huge Midwestern schools that love football. I think I get more of a “Big 10” vibe (whatever that is) from Evanston than College Park.

    • Uggggh worst. 14 teams is bananas, and it’s such an obvious money grab that it makes my blood boil a little.

      • Well, it’s 14 teams, but 2 subdivisions – so you are really focused on the 6 other teams in your division, plus whatever rivalry games you don’t give up.

        Do either of the new schools have a decent hockey team?

        • Legally Red :

          Doesn’t look like either school plays ice hockey.

          • Just curious – Other recent Big 10 changes have included creating their own hockey conference, now that they have enough schools interested. Which is a bit of an issue for Minnesota, as we’ve been in the WCHA division for awhile and are now having to move out and away from several conference rivalry match ups. Of course, some are still staying (Wisconsin), and the others will probably make up non-conference play.

          • Legally Red :

            Huh, I’d missed the hockey change (but I pay more attention to football anyway and didn’t know that there were enough Big 10 schools playing hockey to make the switch possible).

          • I don’t think the hockey change is in effect yet, but it’s kind of a big deal in MN with being a big hockey state and means MN and a couple other Big 10 schools would have to pull out of the WCHA, which (I think) is a big hockey conference. At least it’s a big deal around here, with lots of long standing rivalries.

        • Only sort of though. I (and most of my friends) are still pretty interested in following the schools I’ve been watching for years, and I have friends who went to most (8 or so) of the other “traditional” Big 10 schools.

          It’s possible I’m just resistant to change. I still don’t love having the divisions at all, and the addition to a new team to each division means that we’ll play teams in the other division (except for the protected crossover) even less.

          • Legally Red :

            I’ve gotten over Nebraska joining. I’m just not convinced that the rest of the Big 10 is going to get much out of it…I don’t know anything about Rutgers, but it doesn’t seem like there’s that much of a Terps following around here (DC area). Their fans aren’t going to road trip to Lincoln or Iowa City, are they? It just seems like they’ll be playing different teams, but there still won’t be anyone paying attention.

            And I agree that 14 teams is a lot. We’re losing all the old rivalries!

  12. Hi Ladies! I am looking for a cheap basic rug for my living room. I need something that won’t show stains and is some combination of tan/green/blue so it doesn’t clash too horribly with the furniture. Should be around 8×10 feet or a little larger to cover the floor and if at all possible I want to pay less than $100 for it. I’ve checked Home Depot, Craigslist, and Overstck but haven’t quite found it yet. Any other suggestions I am overlooking? Thanks so much.

    • anon just in case :

      What about Ikea?

      • We have an IKEA Tarnby – love it! It’s a woven jute and very soft. The nobby texture takes a little getting used to but now I think it’s fabulous. I’m tempted to buy a second one just in case they discontinue it. After two years our first one is a little flatter but still looks great.

    • I’ve had luck going to an actual carpet/rug store and bargaining the price down.

    • My suggestion was going to be overstock, and I would say to keep checking. If you have a Homegoods near you, they often have nice rugs on sale, though it’s very hit or miss.

      Honestly, I think $100 is pushing it a bit for an 8×10 rug unless you are willing to wait for a super sale. Maybe consider a neutral natural fiber rug and then you can always get a smaller rug to put on top of that later?

    • $100 for an 8 x 10 is going to be tough. Have you tried ebay?

    • I got my rug at Home Goods and I love it! I had to go to one about 25 miles away because they had a bigger selection than the one nearer to me but I think I paid about $80 for a 5×7 rug? It’s worth a look!

    • this is 137 but I think is right up your alley

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I ordered a rug from Wayfair and it came so quickly and shipping was free. I highly recommend the site.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      On LivingSocial in Boston there is a deal for 7ft area rugs… if that would be big enough. There are a few green/blue ones.

    • anon in tejas :

      We found several great rugs at CostCo and Bed Bath and Beyond.

    • I paid $60 at Big Lots for a rug that is close to this size. The quality is not bad for the price, so if there is one close to you, you might check it out.

    • MacKaylaLane :

      Speaking of rugs–has anybody bought one off RueLala/Gilt/etc and have thoughts on the quality?
      TIA for comments.

    • Thanks everyone! If I had a job, and didn’t have roommates, I would try to get something nicer. But it’s too echoey and drafty to just due without.

  13. anon just in case :

    OK, I really need some help with a holiday gift for dh’s bro & his wife. The issues are numerous. Sil is really not my favorite person these days. She stole money from a local organization that supported the local high school band (she was the president of the organization) and is serving a house arrest sentence. She used the money she stole to gamble, shop, and have an affair with one of bil’s old friends. She also stole money from her teenaged children. She didn’t often come to family dinners during the time before her sentencing, but when she did she acted like nothing was wrong and has refused to appologize to anyone for any of her actions. Bil loves her and wants to work on his marriage, but is (understandably) depressed. Kids are in therapy, and I think mil convinced bil he needs it too.

    This year for Christmas it was decided to buy couples gifts (mostly because of the uncertainty in their relationship) and we were the unlucky ones to draw their names. Our limit is $40-$50. I’m trying hard not to let my anger against her affect my relationship with bil, whom I’m doing my best to support, but it’s a nasty situation all over. My mil who never says anything bad about anyone has actually talked to dh about sil’s behavior in ways that we know she is really hurt & upset by the situation, but still has to remember that she is the mother of two of her grandchildren. It’s all a mess.

    If it was dh’s other bro, we’d have no problem – probably movie tickets & a gift card for ice cream or something, but for this bro, we don’t know if they will even want to spend an evening together (after she can leave the house), or if they’ll actually stay together long enough to use it after her sentence has been served.

    Anyone have any ideas? Dh is also stumped, btw.

    • Mountain Girl :

      Are they living together at this point? What about a $50 GC for a restaurant that delivers and call it done.

    • Well, if they don’t stay together, couldn’t he just use movie tickets and ice cream gift card towards a night out with the kids? It’s plausibly a “couples gift” – by which I assume you mean something bil + sil could use – but still usable if they don’t want to go out together. This would also present you as entirely neutral about the situation, which maybe you want to at least appear for the moment.

    • Donation to a charity in their name or a Netflix/Hulu subscription.

    • What about focussing your gift on something for their kids rather than bil and sil per se? A board game or other activity that the kids would enjoy (and their parents can participate as well if they so desire)?

    • Okay, this has absolutely nothing to do with your question (wishing you good luck, BTW) – it just made me think of something that I have wondered about for quite a while…

      The OP referred to her husband’s brother’s wife as her sister-in-law. In my family, this woman would be referred to as “my brother-in-law’s wife.” (Your SIL = either your brother’s wife or your husband’s sister.) But I have heard other people do what the OP does. Are my family and I huge weirdos?

      • I call my husband’s brother’s wife my SIL, and that initially confused my husband. He now will say, but not enthusiastically*, that my brother’s wife is his SIL.

        English genealogical terminology is weird.

        *He’s not enthusiastic about the nomenclature; he likes her just fine.

      • I think I would probably define SIL the same as you – because it’s a relationship gained through marriage.

        However, I can’t really think of a better word/relationship discriptor for the husband’s brother’s wife, and it is a female relationship acquired through marriage, but you need 2 marriages to get there – so maybe more of a SIL once removed, or something.

        So, no I don’t think you are a big weirdo.

      • Meg Murry :

        I would probably describe them as my BIL and his wife, just to be clea(ish) that it’s husband’s brother and his wife, not my brother + wife or my sister + husband. But on a site like this, once I clarified who is related to who I would probably use BIL ans SIL as the OP did, just for typing sake. All theoretical, of course, as my 1 BIL and 1 sister are both single. They are good friends though, and the same age, and have a hard time explaining their relationship to other people, and on occasion acquantances will think they are either dating or brother & sister since they spend holidays together or make statements like “our nephews”. The really isn’t a good easy word in English for “my BIL’s wife” or “my sister’s BIL”.

      • I actually had to present this question to a labor arbitrator (on an issue involving eligibility for bereavement leave). I won the argument that in common parlance and therefore under the terms of the contract your the wife of one’s brother-in-law (i.e, the wife of the spouse’s brother) IS one’s sister-in-law. I cited testimony from employees that they use the term this way and numerous dictionary references. (Black’s Law Dictionary did not agree, though. So I didn’t refer to it.)

    • A gift basket with food items.

    • Thanks for the ideas everyone. A gift card to a restaurant that delivers would be great, except that they live in a really small town that doesn’t have any restaurants that deliver. The ‘kids’ (who are 19 & 20) are involved in the grandkid gift exchange, so they’re covered.

      Maybe movie tickets & ice cream would work best – something they could split up if necessary.

      My other idea is that he really likes his coffee, and she really likes her tea, so something for each of them along those lines might work too.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Or just coffee, skip the tea :). But I’m passive aggressive like that. Another +1 for movie tickets and a gift card for concessions. At the very least, the kids can go by themselves to get away from family drama.

        • Are you passive aggressive…let me type in a definition and troll for a bit about it.


      • The coffee and tea gift would be equally nice. You could fill a basket with a few gourmet varieties, two mugs, and some cookies and call it a day. Or give a gift certificate to a online shop that would let them pick flavors.

      • SpaceMountain :

        Gift basket from Door County Coffee & Tea.

    • Skippy pea :

      Hmmm. Something that entire family can use? Your bils favorite movie set in blu ray, fruit of the month club? If bil gr ills, one fancy grill equipment

      Or, just ignore your sil and get something for bil.

      Typing with one hand here!

  14. Having a second kid & financial obligations :

    Kid 1 is 2.5, and DH and I are discussing having a second. I currently have baby fever and am trying to not let that make the decision for me. Kid 1 was a super difficult, colicky baby, and I had PPD. Though DH and I don’t necessarily look forward to the pregnancy and newborn phase, we know that it doesn’t last forever. My major hesitations are financial and the effect on Kid 1. Kid 1 is very attached and requires a lot of attention. I would hate to see him suffer. For those of you with two, how did the first kid react? Was it difficult? Second concern is financial. DH is currently staying home and would continue to do so until number 2 is in school. If we stop at 1, we can likely fund kid 1’s entire college education. If we had two kids, we could not likely fully fund both college educations. If we had two, vacations could not be extravagent, and each kid would get less “stuff” than if we had one. Will the kids resent this? One of our main goals as parents is to give our kid/kids as many advantages as we can. DH and I really had to struggle to get where we are, and we are hoping that our kid/kids do not have to do the same. Thoughts?

    • I can’t speak to every situation, but I can say for sure from my childhood that I would pick my siblings and less stuff and fewer/cheaper vacations (e.g. 3 day drive to Miami to stay with cousins instead of flight and hotels) over being an only child, no student loans, lots of stuff. I learned that material stuff isn’t important and family is. My siblings are and always will be my best friends. I also know I won’t have to be alone when dealing with my parents aging and needing help.

      I know not everyone has the best sibling/family dynamic but just throwing that out there. My older 2 siblings weren’t thrilled when I was born. I was totally thrilled when my baby sisters were born. We all got over our sibling issues (mostly prevalent in high school) and our lives are so much richer for having each other.

      • Amen!

      • +1

      • This! One of the things I love most about being a parent is seeing the sibling relationships develop. I have 3 boys – 12, 10 & 7. I love Saturday mornings when I can hear my middle son has climbed into bed with his little brother & they’re playing either Nintendo DS or some iPod game together. Or seeing ds#1 playing a board game with his little brother, even though he doesn’t want to at first, but by the end he’s having fun despite his best intentions ;). Or they’re all working together on building a Lego set, or designing a Hotwheels trick track, or goofing off together in the swimming pool. I’m so glad we had 3 even though it meant sacrifices.

      • Good question – and answer!

        I was just thinking about my hypothetical future children and was thinking about 1 or 2. 1 seems easier, but then it just seems like a lot of pressure if you can avoid it. I like that my sister was there to deal with my parents when I was growing up, and I like that she’ll be there when they get older too.

        Also, I think paying for college is NICE, but not necessary… (although with school tuiton rising faster than inflation, this may change); and not going to Europe until I could pay for it myself isn’t so sad–how much money your parents could throw at you growing up doesn’t make you who you are…

    • I would not let either of those considerations form the basis for my decision. I think taking finances into account is a prudent thing to do if the added expense would really push you over the edge into dire financial straits. But it doesn’t sound that way, it just sounds like you won’t be able to afford as many “extras” in your life. In that case, I wouldn’t worry — it’s healthy for kids to grow up learning that they can’t have every last little thing that their hearts desire. And as for the attention that Kid 1 needs, having a sibling may be the best thing that ever happened to him. He’ll have to learn to share his parents’ attention and that he isn’t the most important person in the whole world. This is a good thing – yes, it’s true he might not always like it in the short term, but in the long run do you really want to raise a kid who thinks that the world revolves entirely around him? Think about all the benefit that he can get from having a sibling who will be an important part of his life forever. I know a fair number of kids who were difficult babies/toddlers whose dispostion and general attitude actually improved tremendously when another child was added to the family.

    • I’m an only child with three parents (stepmom plus parents). Though some of my only-child friends love being only children, I definitely wish I’d had siblings. I had lots of stuff growing up and got to go on lots of vacations, though none of them particularly fancy. My tuition at private schools (prek through college) was paid for- I only took out loans for law school. All of those things matter, but overall I’d rather have had a sibling I think. Also, maybe it would be best for your overly-attached kid to have a sibling for that reason alone? It would teach him to share. I didn’t learn to share til later in life and I still have jealousy issues when I’m in a relationship which may be related to that. Just some food for thought!

    • I have three brothers and two sisters (lots of brothers from another mother type situations.) I didn’t have extravagant vacations, I’m swamped with debt from school, and I wore hand me downs until…actually, I still wear some, but that’s more of “hey do you like this, I never wear it!” My point is, my siblings are the best things in my life. There’s really no relationship like it, especially now that we’re all getting older. I’d take them over being able to afford any material object.

    • This may be a bit morbid, but having siblings makes things easier later on. I don’t know how I would have handled my mother’s final illness and death without my sister.

    • TO Lawyer :

      I second this. Apparently, I was fairly distraught when my little sister came home from the hospital (I did not want her around!). But more than 20 years later, I can’t imagine my life without her. We fought a lot growing up (and actually still fight a lot) but we are very close and really treasure each other’s presence in our lives. Further, I think my parents appreciate that I can be a good influence on my sister who is still trying to find her way, and can give her advice without being a parent.

      • We have a videotape of my older brother asking my parents, as they prepared to bring me home from the hospital, “Can’t we just leave her here?”

        That said, I couldn’t imagine life without my brothers. We took turns taking care of each other as kids, and now as adults they’re still there when I need to gripe about mom and dad :)

        I went to college with a number of very well off kids and while occasionally I would be deluded into thinking private schools, no loans, and summers in Europe were the norm, I absolutely wouldn’t trade my siblings for any of those things.

    • Research, Not Law :

      Previous responses have already well covered my thoughts on your two decision points. I’m wondering if you and your husband are only children?

      I can share our family’s experience in adding a second child, if that helps you. My first wasn’t thrilled when we first told her, but she mulled it over during the nine months of pregnancy, and she was very excited by the time her sister arrived. Naturally she noticed the change in our energy and time, but I found that nature provided the perfect adjustment in pregnancy. I was tired, achy, and short-fused, so she learned to be more independent and responsible. My lap disappeared, so she was used to sitting next to me instead of on my lap (which would soon be occupied by someone else). And so forth. She was 2 year, 9 months when baby arrived. She has adored baby since day 1, and baby (now 8 months) returns the affection.

      Two can be overwhelming at moments, but it’s nothing compared to the shock of the first. You’ve been through it before, know what you’re doing, and aren’t as easily rattled. Your life has also changed, so you don’t feel the acute longing for your previous life. I didn’t experience PPD, but the women I know who did and had second children seemed to do much better – their symptoms were lessened and/or they got treatment much sooner.

      • Having a second kid & financial obligations :

        Thanks for the thoughful reply. I am indeed an only child. I was also raised by a single mom. DH is the youngest of 4 and gets along with his brother and both sisters and has a very close relationship with one of his sisters. As an child, I never wanted siblings but wish they were in my life now! In my experience being an only has good parts and bad parts, and I while I would love for my kid 1 to have the good parts (sense of independence, maturity, being ok with being alone), I would hate for him to suffer the bad parts (not understanding teasing, being bossy and/or headstrong, feeling like a loner). Making decisions as a parent is difficult, and I really appreciate hearing your personal stories.

        • I’m an only and I’ve always loved it. Then again, my best friend growing up was also an only child so I think our parents liked the idea of us playing together to get any socialization we may have missed out on. I will say that watching my mom lean on her brother and vice versa during the problems they have had with aging parents has made me wonder if I will some day wish I had someone there like that. But then I see my dad’s POS brother who stole several thousands from their parents and how much of a struggle it is for my dad to keep picking up the pieces… and I start thinking I’m fine on my own.

          • Amen. My 30-year old, still lives at home, still has no career, still didn’t graduate from college, perpetual loser brother is not going to be any help whatsoever when our parents start needing to be looked after, nor will he be any financial help to them if/when they need it. It would be a lot easier for me if I was an only child. At least then I wouldn’t have to resent and deal with a complete deadweight of a sibling.

        • I don’t think that the good parts of being an only child that you mention actually necessarily relate to being an only child. My oldest child (of three) is far more independent and mature than I (an only child) was at his age. My three kids love each other and do (generally) enjoy spending time together, but they also each often disappear to their rooms or other private space for some alone time. I wouldn’t say at all that having siblings has negatively impacted their sense of independence or being ok with being alone.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      My parents didn’t fund my college education, and we didn’t have fancy vacations. There wasn’t money for either. I turned out well. Strained finances are character building. I had jobs in high school and college because I wanted spending money, and now am way better at multitasking, endurance, and time management than my upper-middle class DH who wanted for nothing reasonable from his financially very comfortable parents. Or, looking at it another way, how my parents screwed me up had very little to do with how much money that we had or didn’t have :).

    • I can’t think of too many adults who would say, “gee, I wish I didn’t have a sister so that I got to go to France as a kid and didn’t have student loans as an adult.” So, I would say if you have a 2nd, your kid will adjust and it will be fine.

      But I would think about what kind of life that you want to have — one with 2 children or one with 1 child and more resources to devote to that child? I understand that most people love their siblings and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but as an only child I can also say that I had a really great childhood that I wouldn’t trade for the world either. I’m sure I’d love any sibling I had, but I can’t say that I feel like my life is any worse without them. Sometimes, I think it’s actually better. And, I don’t think I grew up spoiled or coddled or didn’t learn to share – it’s just different. I grew up around a lot of adults and I think it was ultimately a good education for me. But there’s no right path. Just figure out what would be better for you and your family.

    • Take less costly but meaningful family vacations (go camping, go to national parks, go on road –not plane–trips). Don’t buy your 8 year old an iphone or a Nintendo DS. Encourage good study habits so both kids can go to state school and/or go to any school to which they can get merit aid for college.

      I am one of 3 . We did not grow up economically deprived by any means, but we were raised in a very, very wealthy town. We went to public school. My sister often wore hand-me-downs, I never had the tech gadgets that my friends had (::looks wistfully at the Original NES::). When we were younger, my sister and I (gasp) shared a bedroom. I went to a great private school for college, funded in part by my parents’ savings, merit money , and some loans [I was a top student in high school so we stretched a bit to make my “dream” school happen, which I don’t regret for a second 10 years later]. My sister went to our state U for almost free (merit scholarship!), my brother went to state school on my parents’ dime. We are all normal, healthy adults with good careers.

      DH is an only child born to parents that only had one because of time and financial issues (similar to what you’re saying- they wanted to be able to give their kids everything). DH grew up with all the latest video games, had his own room and his own bathroom, went to private school K-12. DH’s parents paid for his private school college in cash, and got a new car as a graduation gift. DH went to Italy, Greece, and France with his parents on family trips in high school.

      When we started to talk about kids, DH immediately said he wanted 3-4, even if it meant that “camping in the backyard was summer vacation.”

    • lucy stone :

      I am a totally content only child and can honestly say I never once wished for a sibling. I would be content with having only one child but H is the oldest of six and thinks this is unconscionable. We’ll probably have two.

      • Anne Bronte :

        For what it’s worth, I want to add that I too am an only child and it was perfectly fine – I never longed for brothers or sisters either. Though I have to add that in my 40s I long for them now, for totally unsentimental reasons — I just don’t always know what to do about my parents.

        My husband and his brother are best friends … but I also have friends who don’t speak to their siblings.

    • 5 yr old son adores his baby sister (and wants to marry her so we can all stay together forever – his idea). I hope it stays that way – the adoration part, not the marriage bit!

  15. Recommendations for recovering from a meltdown? A minor mistake in scheduling led to a breakroom meltdown in front of my coworker. I am quite self contained so it didn’t involve tears but did start out with “why am I such an idiot?” and ended in “and I am going to be away from my family at Christmas and I am just so so tired…” Coworker not boss, mistake affected my 2nd job, not the one where I had this conversation.

    He was super sweet and understanding and totally talked me down. But now that I have washed my face and combed my hair, it was really not a massive deal and I am really embarrassed. I don’t typically Lose it like this. This is complicated by the fact that I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him (I am like the anti corpor**** today: I baked for my students, had a meltdown, and have a crush on a coworker. At least I am dressed somewhag appropriately?).

    My instinct is to pretend it never happened but I already sent a thanks for listening message.

    • If you already thanked him, move on. From now on, it’s in the past! Tomorrow is another day : )

    • karenpadi :

      That’s all you need to do–a thank-you note is plenty. We all have moments like this and have to bounce back.

      Part of being a professional is having a lot of stress. Part of having a lot of stress is the occasional meltdown. As long as it isn’t in front of clients or students, it’s not something to be embarrassed about (if it’s happening on a regular basis, though, you might want to seek help). Remember to pay it forward by helping out someone else when they have a meltdown.

      • springtime :

        I agree with Karenpadi- we’re human. We don’t have to be perfect. You’ll be fine :)

    • I agree with the previous comments! Don’t stress too much, you are definitely thinking about it far more than he is/did. Thanks is good enough, no need to bring it up again.

      The only time I cried at a previous job was in front of someone who later became my boss! I was stressed out about a negative interaction I had with a different senior manager who I had a really good relationship with (short version of the incident: I was pretty new/unsure of myself, he’s brutally honest with criticism, and I overreacted). Right afterward I saw my future boss (at the time just a coworker), who asked if I was ok, at which point I broke down in tears. I followed his advice and when I was more collected, thanked him for listening/support. I was a little freaked out when I later found out he would be my new boss, but I think it actually helped me be more open/honest with him from the start since he had already seen me at my worst.

  16. Spotted today at lunch: absolutely gorgeous velvet tuxedo jacket at Club Monaco. I can’t justify buying it so someone else should so I can live vicariously through you. Link to follow.

    • Here is the link:

      • springtime :

        I’ve been loving CM lately…and I get a 20% discount. Where can I wear this? I’m thinking as a jacket for holiday parties, but anywhere else?

        • I’ve been loving CM lately too. I had to talk myself down from a few things today, but I may still go back to get their dark green sweater dress (I’ve been looking for the perfect sweater dress, and theirs is pretty awesome).

          Sadly, I don’t get 20% off. How did you finagle that?

          If I got the velvet jacket, I would wear it to dinner parties, the opera, ballet, etc. – not just in the holiday season. Not sure it would work for the office – it is very dressy. But the design is classic enough that you could get a lot of longevity out of it.

          • springtime :

            Oh I have a coupon from awhile ago…I’m on the mailing list.

            I want an amazing sweater dress too, and I’ve realized my blonde hair looks good with green. The problem is I am allergic to wool (really limits my winter wardrobe). I wish I had a life full of operas and ballets!

            Their new shift dresses are perfect for my body. I am tall and they actually fit my proportions so I wonder how well they fare on other shorter folk.

          • @springtime

            Tall shift dresses?! Sold.

          • Springtime :

            KC- they’re not “tall” size, but they work for me. I am just shy of 6 feet. Waist hits at the right spot and length is good too. Fit my hourglass shape well. Give it a shot!

          • No need for a special tall size. If it fits, it fits :) Will definitely look into this!

  17. springtime :

    Sorta random vent- tell me if I’m in the minority here.

    It’s annoying when someone texts me, I reply relatively quickly, then I don’t hear for hours. I don’t want to sit around wondering if (1) you got my message; (2) you will or will not reply; or (3) you are just biding your sweet time.

    I only start a text convo when I have time to respond and get the convo over with. I don’t think text convos should span 12 hours when all you’re doing is figuring out what time to meet up, for example.

    Question is…how do you get out of these situations? I think I just played it pretty well- told the person to call me tonight so we stop playing text-tag :).

    • Phone call if you need the information right then. But then again, I am not a huge fan of texting as a primary means of communication.

    • I suppose I’m kind of the opposite. I don’t expect an immediate reply to my text messages – if I did, I’d call – and so I don’t feel obligated to return non-time-sensitive text messages quickly, just because I know the other person is on their phone. That’s the beauty of the medium, I think. I don’t like sitting at my phone and going rapidly back and forth for several minutes. I prefer to send messages occasionally throughout the day when I glance at my phone for a minute. But if someone told me to call and quit playing text-tag, I would, or I’d answer their call!

      • springtime :

        FWIW, I said text-tag in a joking light- I wasn’t mad at the person at all.

        And this is why texting can drive people batty! Everyone has different opinions.

      • Turtle Wexler :

        I dislike having whole conversations over text message, too. I think of it as more like voicemail, but where a call really isn’t necessary for whatever reason. Also, most of my friends are more likely to respond to a text than a voicemail (if they do bother to respond to VMs, they invariably say, “I saw you left me a VM, didn’t bother listening to it, what’s up?” so at least with a text, they actually have some idea of why I want to talk to them).

    • I actually don’t start a text convo with that attitude – I text b/c it is less time consuming than a conversation & you can be doing something else or think on the topic for a while. Maybe she has that attitude. Also, sometimes I forget to respond and appreciate a reminder text!

  18. Calling on the hive for some shopping help! I love these jcrew reverse tuxedo pants, but don’t want them in ivory. Any other colors out there?

  19. karenpadi :

    It’s late but I am not getting work done today…

    Anyone see this article linked on ATL?

    I love the recommendation that professional women, when facing harassment or otherwise inappropriate questions in a professional context, pull a Hillary Clinton and respond “Would you ask a man that question?”


    • It makes me think of the “How to Be a Woman” standard for sexism. When faced with potential sexism, the author suggests asking yourself “Is this polite?” If the answer is no, then she suggests calling it out as just that – no mention of sex, just stating “Excuse me, but ____ seems rather impolite.”

    • Just read it. As with many comebacks to sexism that we like to fantasize about online, I surely support that one, but I cannot pretend that all hell wouldn’t break loose if it were actually uttered by someone who doesn’t hold a cabinet position. I also think one of the unique problems with sexual harassment is that it’s so often senior man on junior woman (by design of course). Thus the people who most often end up *thinking* this kind of retort are the ones who can least get away with saying it.

      This article says it “isn’t about feminism,” but for me it is.

      • karenpadi :

        Agree that this is all about feminism. The author doesn’t really understand feminism if she thinks harassment at networking events isn’t about feminism. Her ability to be at networking events in her own professional capacity(as opposed to her husband’s) _is_ a result of feminism.

        I do think we need a way to call men out on their inappropriate comments. Using scripted comebacks are just one technique. I think it’s all about tone. HRC’s comeback in HRC’s incredulous tone? I agree, all h3ll would break loose. But it could work in a quiet/annoyed/calm tone. FWIW, my current favorite is “wow, that is so inappropriate” and then silence. No humoring the follow-up “what’s so inappropriate about it?” that guys throw out there.

        • Lady Enginerd :

          I’ve always wanted to go with some variation on “I’m sure you think X is charming, but it just comes across as creepy” but that seems a bit aggressive. I like the inappropriate wording more than using impolite because it’s just a hair more blunt for the socially awkward engineering crowd.

          And heck yes this is about feminism. Feminism is about, among other things, being able to be a person who happens to be female in public spaces instead of objectified or owned. I hate that my professional life became easier when I started wearing a ring (and was “owned”/had a protector).

          • I used to have a boss whose behavior toward me was textbook harassment. We worked one-on-one all the time, so I had no allies and few witnesses (just a couple of people who dealt with us occasionally). I always just tried to shut him down by making an awkward segue, killing the “joke,” or staring blankly. But I’ve always regretted not doing/saying anything more definitive. He’s the kind of man who is totally oblivious to his effect on others and I am 100% positive is continuing to act this way toward whatever unlucky women work for him now. I know he’s a very standard “type,” and that depresses me even more. Creepy, day-ruining, career-souring, I could go on.

          • Lady Enginerd :

            p.s. yes, I know that description of feminism is simplistic, just trying to put into words why I feel so strongly that being hit on at a networking event is a feminist issue. The men in that article are just so disrespectful of her personhood with those cheesy pick-up lines based on her looks that it makes me mad. Does Godzilla do pro bono male privilege smackdowns?

        • karenpadi – I agree with every word you just said. That is all. ;o)

  20. emcsquared :

    Just in case anyone remembers – I asked about glasses for less than $150 last week. I ended up seeing an ad for JC P e n n e y’s, 2 pairs for $99. I ended up getting 1 pair for $70 even after taxes and the special rush order charge. The clerk found about a dozen frame styles that matched my want list in my price range. The pair I ended up with was a rectangular, burgundy plastic pair that weren’t the best fit (the best fitting pair looked like something a 10 year old would choose), but they were a good fit and will be somewhat stylish.

    In a related note, if anyone has magic cures for an eye twitch, I would love to hear about it. So far I’ve given up computer use for several days, tried sleeping 10 hours a day, tried eye drops and compresses (hot and cold), and tried yoga breathing when the eye twitch starts. Nada. If the glasses don’t help, I’m planning to visit a neuro before heading back to the opthamalogist who wants to inject Botox into my eyelid (shudder).

    • For the eye twitch, try magnesium supplements — it often relieves twitches/muscle spasms for me. It might not work, but it’s certainly worth a try if the alternative is an injection into your eyelid!

    • anon in tejas :

      cutting back or down on caffeine substantially has helped me in the past.

  21. I am a banana. :

    Younger lawyer question – is it okay to be friends with opposing counsel if you don’t discuss work? I interact with a female lawyer on the other side of my cases constantly, and over the last year we have built up a great working relationship and have talked enough to know that we have a lot in common. Can we get coffee together or is that not allowed?

    • For me, personally, I would not want to develop a personal relationship with opposing counsel while we still had cases ongoing together. This is not something I am really mature enough to separate, and for me it would be difficult to put my client’s interests ahead of the personal relationship. Generally, I think it is so hard to find opposing counsel with whom I can have a good working relationship that I would not want to jeopardize that.

    • Former MidLevel :

      Yes, it is okay. Law is a small world; I often worked for partners who were very good friend with lead counsel on the other side. As you’ve noted, you need to be careful about confidential matters, etc. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being friends.

    • anon in tejas :

      isn’t that networking to some degree?

      I would say that it’s okay. But I know that personally, I don’t “hang” out with attorneys that I currently have cases against. We’re waaaay too prone to talk about work the whole time, which is just not what I like to do with my personal time.

    • I am a banana. :

      Thanks, all! I work in a small very specialized practice area so I constantly have cases with her or her firm on the other side. I really appreciate the responses and will take them to heart and see where it goes.

  22. Does anyone have suggestions for plus-sized, professional maternity clothes? They are really hard to find, but I’m pregnant and will go to trial during this pregnancy, and desperately need suits.

    • Does Pea in a Pod have plus-size online maybe? I got my suit there. Some Macy’s now have Motherhood Maternity sections. Added bonus is that you get the Macy’s return policy, not the Motherhood exchange policy.

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