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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 198 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Carla Collarless High-Necked Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reiss Carla COLLARLESS HIGH NECKED JACKETLoooove this jacket. The ruched details at the waist are gorgeous and flattering, and it's the perfect piece to showcase a fabulous belt. I think the whole outfit says confident, stylish woman. And it's part of the great Reiss sale right now — the jacket was $360, but is now marked to $180. (Limited sizes left for this particular piece, but there is a lot of beautiful stuff in lucky sizes throughout the sale.) Reiss Carla Collarless High Necked Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) Psst: Check out more great deals at the Corporette Bargains page!

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. AIMS

    I would probably pair this with a toned down belt (this one is a bit too dominatrix for work, imo), but I love this top! What a great color – I have been obsessed with it all year.

  2. Cb

    Gorgeous! I would just wear it everyday though and be the girl who always wore the same jacket.

    • k-padi

      There’s nothing wrong with that.

      -Girl who wears one of two fabulous jackets every day.

  3. Brant

    I’m looking for tips for organizing small spaces. DH and I have a house that is very small in terms of square footage, but we really like it. And we don’t have that much stuff. We are just terrible at maximizing the space we do have (I’m looking at you, weird corner kitchen cabinet with exactly 5 pots in it, and you, giant desk that takes up the entire guest room).

    Any suggestions for books/websites/places to shop to get inspirational ideas? There is no Container Store near me, and Ikea hasn’t really been helpful in the past as our house is 100+ years old and we want to work with what’s already there… The Apartment Therapy website is cute, but again, is both (1) focused on apartments and (2) tends to run a bit more city/modern than our creaky old house with its itty bitty closets, low ceilings, and spidery crawl spaces. (don’t you just want to move right in?!).

    • NOLA

      Brant, I feel your pain! I live in an old creaky house with tiny closets. Over the years, I have added storage pieces. In my kitchen, I focused on wooden pieces that served particular needs. I have a Shaker pantry and a pie safe. These two pieces were important because they look pretty, they hold a lot and they have doors that close. I don’t want to look at that stuff and I don’t need to be cleaning it. I got both pieces at unfinished furniture places and had them finished at the store. I also added a baker’s rack with storage underneath because I have no counter space.

      I have three bedrooms and live alone so one bedroom has rolling clothing racks and chrome shelving – one large one for storage of luggage and rubbermaid containers. One for shoes. All shoes. I stopped using my guest closets to store clothes. I put things in large storage containers and stack them up.

      I didn’t have a ton of money when I was doing all of this so I did it over time and picked out pieces that really fit the need.

      • Brant

        oooh!! I have a big ‘ol hutch in one corner, but I had to google pie safe– that’s exactly the kind of storage piece I’m in the market for. Among others: cedar chest, secretary, etc.

        • NOLA

          The pie safe has been one of my best purchases! I had an open phone stand there, but realized I could fit something wider. It holds all of my tea, spices, cake/cookie decorating supplies on small shelves. Then I put a place mat on top of it and it has a cute little lamp and my salt and pepper and a lighter (gas stove doesn’t always light). Most of the ones I saw when I googled were two door. Mine is one, with a punched tin panel in the door. I also see something called a jelly cabinet that’s very similar. Seriously, the unfinished furniture store saved me.

          • Susedna

            I also had to google ‘pie safe,’ because I was imagining one of those giant, black ones with a combination, so you can prevent pie thieves from stealing and devouring any tasty pies you might have baked. Yes, I’m hungry and can’t have lunch yet. Ugh.

    • kerrycontrary

      I was going to say apartment therapy and look at their “small spaces” category. One thing I love for the kitchen (and it’s so simple its stupid), is the cabinet shelves you can put in your kitchen cabinets. They are basically little trays with legs, so you are using vertical space. I know I’m not describing this very well…I live in a studio apartment in an old-creaky house so I know how it is. Also use little hooks for hanging cups, and use a ton of hooks in your closet for belts, scarves, bags.

      • Brant

        I know what you mean- we have those “cabinet racks”. We also have low kitchen ceilings, which means not very tall cabinets, though, so they only help in certain spots.

    • Anastasia

      I discovered Houzz dot com when looking for decorating ideas… not sure how helpful it would be for storage, but it’s worth checking out. I have an older house with smaller rooms, and I was able to find a lot inspiration for things that would work in my space. Bonus — if you see something you really like, you can post a comment asking where to find it and people tend to be pretty responsive either with the actual item or suggestions for similar ones. Although, the answer is often “this was custom made for us by XYZ designers,” which drives me crazy.

    • AIMS

      I find vertical storage is essential. A pot rack to hang pots off the ceiling; hooks to hang stuff off the walls, a knife strip, etc. Also, maximize storage space in cabinets with various shelf organizers (http://www.containerstore.com/shop/kitchen/cabinetOrganizers/upperCabinets).
      Anything with multi levels or that spins is great too – so multi-step lazy susan for spices, etc. Lots of big clear containers help too – you can see everything easily and it makes storage more uniform. For instance, I used to have lots of tea containers but now just dump all the tea bags into one giant see thru canister.

      Everywhere else, shelves are amazing.

      If this is a house you own and you’re planning to stay in it for a while, I would also consider getting a contractor to figure out built-ins, closet organization, etc. It may cost a bit up front but it will add a lot of value to your home and make your life so much more pleasant everyday.

      • Brant

        We do own. We are EITHER going to to a medium-to-large expansion ($$-$$$) or move ($$$) in the next 3-5 years. So, we’re trying to do as little as possible for now, because EITHER we will be ripping off the roof, adding a floor, and possibly totally re-doing the kitchen OR we will be selling. So anything that will be an improvement in the short-term and add resale value is a big plus, but there are certain rooms where we don’t want to make too many improvements structurally because there is a 50% chance we’ll have to rip it all out.

        • Anonymous

          Having formerly been in your situation (we sold our condo last summer), my answer is, “floor to ceiling in built in shelves”.

          Key thing: DOORS. Unless you are a professional home stylist/stager, you probably don’t have the skills to make it all look nice, all the time. There is a lot less visual clutter when the doors are shut. (Don’t get me started on the open shelving trend – UGH.)

          You can fake built-in shelves pretty easily with Ikea “Billy” shelves + their height extension + doors on the lower halves — we did this for about $1000 for a wall that was about 8 feet high and 10 feet long. Make sure you secure the Billys to the wall, so they don’t topple over!

          • Brant

            We thought about this– though the part of our kitchen that is best suited for floor to ceiling shelves is actually cathedral ceilings. But I’ve been telling DH we ought to replace our hutch with sky-high built in shelves :)

          • E

            Another alternative to the Billy is the Besta shelf units which you can get with glass or wood doors (or two levels of wood and one of glass which looks great). They are about the same height as Billy but the shelves are 5 inches deeper so you can fit platters/large appliances with ease. We just did this an awkward corner of our kitchen a few months ago and its been a great storage solution.

    • Anonymous

      I know that you said there is no Container Store near you, but I’d encourage you to get a catalog and see about ordering. Although I do have stores here, I did a lot of shopping from the catalog to make my 700 sq. foot – turn of the century – no closets (NONE) home work, and got some really great stuff. Even if you just use it for ideas and then shop for similar items elsewhere, it would be worthwhile.

    • Diana Barry

      Those corner cabinets are the worst. If you can get a kitchen design person or somewhere else to order Rev-a-shelf products, we found that they make LOTS of inserts for those corner cabinets and other weird-shaped cabinets, that will magically let you store more stuff in those cabinets.

      Otherwise, get a carpenter or closet person to come in, measure, and build some custom shelves and built-ins. They are truly worth the $$.

    • gov anon

      Shelves on as many walls as suit your sensibility. For those things that are worthy of “display” like dishes and books, store in the open. Other things hide in a mix of closed containers that make you smile.

  4. Anastasia

    I’ve decided I need some black and white houndstooth flats (or some other black patterned flats that look work-appropriate in a business casual office) to go with my boring black pants and black skirt maternity wardrobe.

    Any suggestions? Merona looks ok, although I’m always skeptical of the comfort of $20 shoes… I’m also liking the Sofft Palina, except I’m not sure about the very rubber-looking sole. Does this read too “croc” in person, or is it not noticeable unless someone’s really studying my feet?

  5. joy

    I landed an on-site job interview and am so so so thrilled! It is so hard to focus at work when you know you are one step closer to moving on.

  6. anon

    Early TJ: Have any of you guys been on Hormonal Replacement Theraphy (HRT)? I am 27 yrs old and had undergone bilateral oopherectomy last October. They took both ovaries due to cysts. It was a big blow – I have no kids, still single. It didn’t really have any symptoms up until I experienced extreme pain. At the time I had the surgery, the ovaries are not functioning anymore. It was very strange as I’ve been having regular periods, no abnormalities at all.

    I am now on surgical menopause but had to take hormones to minimize the hot flushes and bone fracture (especially with my age). The big downside however, is depression and fatigue. I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I’ve been on two different HRTs with no luck. I am seriously considering going off it and just deal with the side effects. I’ve hit rock bottom. Anyone been on similar situation?

    • e_pontellier

      No advice, but serious e-hugs. This sounds miserable. Can I buy you a drink?

    • springtime

      No advice either but I’m so sorry to hear that. Big hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I haven’t been in your shoes but I have dealt with chronic illness. I found internet support groups and message boards SO HELPFUL. It really helped to talk and vent with people who truly understood exactly what I was going through. With the internet, I could check in throughout the day and not just wait for a once/month after work meeting. I also learned a ton about my condition and was a much more informed patient that way. I learned things my doctors never told me. I strongly suggest you google around and see if you can find groups of people dealing with the same thing. I will check the website I used to see if they have something similar to your condition.

      • Russia Repeat

        HysterSisters is aimed at women with hysterectomies, but you will likely find other young women who’ve had their ovaries removed, perhaps as part of a hysterectomy. I did some research there when my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and found it a great community.

    • Coalea

      I haven’t been in that situation myself, but my mom underwent something similar. She had a hysterectomy with oopherectomy at age 40 due to endometriosis. She was on estrogen therapy for many years. She was finally taken off the estrogen maybe about 5 years ago (which would have been age 55). Since that time, she has been plagued with horrendous hot flashes. They have diminshed over time, but she still gets 1-2 per day – and one usually occurs at dawn, waking her from sleep.

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with depression and fatigue. I recommend that you talk to your doctor and explain exactly what you’re feeling. He/she may have some suggestions to mitigate the symptoms, or may agree with your idea about stopping HRT. But I would not just stop the HRT on your own – better to work with your doctor to deal with any consequences from that (like hot flashes – or you might need additional preventive therapy for bone loss/fractures).

      Good luck!!!

    • MaggieLizer

      No real advice, but I’m so, so sorry to hear this. Please consider talking to a therapist; maybe they can work with your doctor about the depression. Hugs to you.

  7. Susedna

    Money Management Threadjack:

    Did any of you see the unfolding legal dispute concerning the management of author Patricia Cornwell’s finances?

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/9800616/The-case-of-Patricia-Cornwells-missing-millions.html

    It looks like a terrible mess, and my only takeaway is: even if I do get to make as much money as she does, and hire a firm to manage it, I should still take the time to track my spending and be on top of investments. That way, if the firm does something they’re not supposed to do with my money, I can catch them at it. And, if they accuse me of being profligate, I can show them a detailed roster of expenses and dates to track what I actually did spend.

    There is a limit to outsourcing.

  8. petitesq

    Wedding threadjack (sorry): WHOA do these things cost a lot. Reeling from the sticker shock of having put together a preliminary cost estimate for the wedding. Unfortunately, my fiance and I are set on the number of people (150) and having a dinner reception, so many of the costs will be tough to avoid, but WOW. Just… WOW. Anyone have brilliant ideas that don’t involve cutting the guest list, changing the time of day, or no booze?

    • Susedna

      This isn’t ethical, so I don’t think you should do this, but all the same, I am curious:

      What would happen if you planned the same date/time with the same number of people, same room for the dining, and same food choices, but called it “my Dad’s retirement party” ? Other than avoiding obvious tells like “wedding cake,” I’d bet the costs would be 20-50% lower depending on the place.

      It’s a wonder more people don’t do this, because wedding prices are a scam.

      • Susie

        I worked at a winery and the price (food, venue rental, etc) did not depend on the nature of the event. It’s just that with weddings you tend to opt for more add-ons.

      • lawsuited

        I didn’t disclose the nature of my event to many vendors, although I can’t discern that I saved any money except with regards to the case. I ordered a “celebration cake” instead of a “wedding cake” and saved a smooth $300!

    • PollyD

      I’ve never had a wedding, so….
      – No flowers except bouquets for the wedding party. Throw a couple of candles on the tables at the reception and call it a day
      – Chicken or pasta instead of beef
      – Wine and beer but no hard liquor
      – DJ or iPod set up instead of a band. I hate wedding bands. They are uniformly mediocre and too loud. Maybe you could save some money there – mark the amps and if the band gets louder than that, they pay YOU a fee
      – No favors. I hate those, too. Just something else to decide whether to keep or throw out. If you must have something, a little bag of Jordan almonds or small, non-fancy chocolates (assortment of Hershey’s kisses?)

      These are probably picky, minor points. I’m sure someone who’s actually had a wedding could probably give you some better ideas, but I thought I’d throw those out there.

    • Russia Repeat

      You can do beer and wine only or mixed drinks only at the cocktail hour. Depending on your venue you may be able to affect catering costs; vegetarian may be significantly cheaper (or not). Venues for Chinese and Indian food may be accustomed to large groups (though 150 isn’t that large by those standards) and have better pricing. Restaurants in general tend to have better deals than places that only do weddings. And if you can move the location, you can save a ton–getting married a couple hours outside a major city can make a big difference, though you may have more transportation and lodging expenses.

      In addition, we did no floral–the venue was a restaurant we already liked the look of and we put potted plants on the tables, and no wedding cake. We did cupcakes, which were a little cheaper, and the venue had no slicing fee (one place wanted $8/slice for serving cake).

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve never planned a wedding, but after being a bridesmaid a few times, my suggestion is to cut the things that you don’t really care about. That will be different for each person, but my list would be things like boutiners (sp) for the guys, possibly most flowers aside from my bouquet, wedding favors, elaborate center pieces, etc. In the aggregate, those things could quickly add up.

      One friend picked a venue that was gorgeous and had beautiful events there all the time so everything down to the chairs were lovely and didn’t need any additional items. Another friend chose a venue that didn’t have any chairs, tables, etc so they had to rent all of that and then also include things like slipcovers for the chairs and tablecloths, etc. I think it was ultimately more expensive to rent everything than use the venue that had everything, but obviously that will depend.

      Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

      • E

        Congratulations! We saved significant money by cutting out things like a champagne toast (guests toasted with whatever they had in their hand at the time) and appetizers with dinner (we did salad, main course and dessert, having a “symbolic” small cake for the cake cutting (served the same cake in sheet form to the guests and it was a lot less expensive). For flowers, we ordered a bunch of flowers in the wedding colors in bulk from Costco (but a grocery store could do this too) for the guest tables and assembled them on the day before the wedding in Dollar Store vases with the help of relatives plus bridesmaids. That being said, I felt it was worth it to have an actual florist do the bouquets. I made them for another friend’s wedding and it was actually pretty difficult and stressful.

        • Anon

          My friend did something similar and only had champagne for the wedding party. The guests toasted with whatever was in their hand at the time. She also had a small cake for cutting and used sheet cakes for everyone else.

          • Annony

            I really hate when distinctions are made like this. I think it’s really tacky and reminds guests that some guests are more important than others. Either have enough for everyone or don’t do.

            Areas to cut costs–go for simple invites/stationery because no one will care; don’t put a lot of money into your shoes, borrow jewelry, etc.; seek seasonal flowers and use sparingly; and don’t be afraid to ask for cost-saving suggestions from those around you at every turn. Your venue can probably suggest ways to get the most out of your budget from your menu, florist can help, etc.

            And don’t get caught up in the hoopla as much as possible. What people will remember–you adn your guests–are things like how touching your vows seemed and whether folks were having a good time. No one even thinks about what cake slicer or guest book you used.

          • rosie

            I think it’s ok to cut a fancier cake and serve everyone sheet cake as long as it all tastes good, but I agree with Annony on the champagne. If I saw people with champagne at a wedding, I would be confused that I didn’t have any (I really like it), then I would ask about it at the bar, and then I would feel like a second-rate guest when told it was wedding party-only. Not having a wedding party should save you some money, though.

          • Scully

            You can also skip the cake. I’ve rarely had good cake at a wedding. Plus, a lot of people don’t like cake (they are crazy, BTW). Think pies, cannoli, cream puffs, eclairs, ice cream sundae bar, rice crispie treats, donuts, etc.

    • IA_Eng

      Is the location or date flexible at all? One way I was able to have a sit-down dinner, alcohol, and a late afternoon/evening wedding on a Saturday was to have it where I live which is a much lower COL area than say around my parents’ home. I also wound up having it in April b/c that’s when the venue I wanted was available.

      I also bought my dress for $250 new on-line (from Unique Vintage) – I loved it, got tons of compliments, and it seemed to be as well constructed as many much more expensive dresses I tried on – so maybe look on-line for a used or new dress. Unless it’s important to you, there’s no reason to spend a ton on a dress just because it’s a “wedding dress”. If you’re wearing a veil, buy it on-line or make it yourself.

      Again, unless they’re important to you, you can skip a lot of the “little touches” a lot of the wedding blogs are all about. For centerpieces, I bought some nice potted plants, put them on the tables and called it good (and invited guests to take them home at the end of the evening).

      There are a ton of blogs and books out there on ways to save money on wedding planning. But the main thing I would say, is spend money on what’s important to you and economize on what’s a lower priority even though you feel or others tell you that you ” should” have something or do things a certain way.

    • Anne-on

      Prioritize. If your guest list, venue, meal/alcohol are non-negotiable what else can you cut? Are you ok with an ipod-DJ’d wedding? Can you do smaller/cheaper centerpieces – like candles, books, or food (one cake at each table in various flavors as a centerpiece, seasonal fruits/veggies in glass bowls, etc.). Get a secondhand dress, drive yourselves instead of using a limo, do your own hair/makeup.
      I don’t agree with all of their suggestions, but a practical wedding (dot com) has lots of budget ideas and ways to save/do things yourself.

    • e_pontellier

      Thought dump: Flowers do not have to be crazy expensive. I interviewed a few florists and got flowers for under $1500 (my wedding was only slightly smaller than yours, and I’m in NYC). Also, your dress doesn’t have to be crazy expensive (mine was well under $1k). Also, favors don’t have to be expensive. I printed my paper things on my own (well, with help of relatives) and Kinkos/Fedex/Staples has great quality paper that you can copy onto. You can have a dinner reception, but you don’t have to have the most expensive. Most of the time, the food is terrible anyway. Cut back on the number of courses (yes, everyone’s hungry when they arrive, but you don’t actually need passed hors d’oeuvres, appetizers, salad, dinner, dessert, AND cake). Find out if you can bring your own cake – our venue allowed us to bring our own cake and if we spent over $x/person, they would cut and serve the cake for FREE. We ended up not meeting the $$ requirement, so got a reasonably priced cake through them, but that’s an option. Some venues will allow you to provide your own wine/beer/liquor, which can reduce costs. Many venues also have different options for the linens that they let you use – you should probably just use what they have, but it’s something to ask about. Check if you can eliminate the coat check person, or the restroom attendant(s), or if you can have an hour of closed bar. Some weddings will give you a huge discount if you close the bar for the first hour of the reception – everyone has a drink from cocktail hour AND tableside wine, so most people won’t even notice. Anyway, wedding planning is rough, but you’ll get through it. Congratulations!!

    • e_pontellier

      I’m in moderation.
      Thought dump: Flowers do not have to be crazy expensive. I interviewed a few florists and got flowers for under $1500 (my wedding was only slightly smaller than yours, and I’m in NYC). Also, your dress doesn’t have to be crazy expensive (mine was well under $1k). Also, favors don’t have to be expensive. I printed my paper things on my own (well, with help of relatives) and Kinkos/Fedex/Staples has great quality paper that you can copy onto. You can have a dinner reception, but you don’t have to have the most expensive. Most of the time, the food is terrible anyway. Cut back on the number of courses (yes, everyone’s hungry when they arrive, but you don’t actually need passed hors d’oeuvres, appetizers, salad, dinner, dessert, AND cake). Find out if you can bring your own cake – our venue allowed us to bring our own cake and if we spent over $x/person, they would cut and serve the cake for FREE. We ended up not meeting the $$ requirement, so got a reasonably priced cake through them, but that’s an option. Some venues will allow you to provide your own wine/beer/liquor, which can reduce costs. Many venues also have different options for the linens that they let you use – you should probably just use what they have, but it’s something to ask about. Check if you can eliminate the coat check person, or the restroom attendant(s), or if you can have an hour of closed bar. Some weddings will give you a huge discount if you close the bar for the first hour of the reception – everyone has a drink from c*ktail hour AND tableside wine, so most people won’t even notice. Anyway, wedding planning is rough, but you’ll get through it. Congratulations!!

    • anon

      I wanted to have blue hydrangeas, so my mother and I cut tons of them from friends’ yards. We did have a florist who put together the arrangements with other flowers, but you may be able to find a friend or relative who would be willing to do it for you. I also have a friend who bought all her flowers from a wholesale place and then she and her bridesmaids put together the bouquets. They were some kind of lily I think. They just wrapped a pretty ribbon around a handful of them. Simple and elegant. Also, it seems common for the bridesmaid bouquets to be put in a vases at the reception for centerpieces.

      • Anonymous

        Costco for flowers.

        Or google “bulk flowers”, DIY wedding flowers, etc. There are a lot of places that will FedEx you flowers in bulk. Caveat: you have to arrange them yourself and need a reliable person to deliver them to the venue for you (since you will be all bridal and whatnot and presumably busy).

    • rosie

      Are you set on a date and venue? Some venues will give you a discount in the off-season (if there is one in the area) or for a non-Saturday wedding. You can also try to negotiate with the venue. They might be willing to drop the price to cut the soup course (for example), or they might be willing to give you more for the same price (more appetizers, bar upgrade, etc.).

      Figure out what you can cut. Skip floral centerpieces. Skip favors – guests won’t miss them when there’s good food and drink.

      Also, depending on how far in advance you are planning, you may be in a very good negotiating spot if it’s unlikely the venue will find someone else for that date. Friends got a great deal on their hotel wedding because they booked close enough to the event date that the venue figured it was better to have a lower-paying event than no event.

      • Lady NFS

        Negotiation would be my suggestion, too. DH and I had a similar wedding (160 people, Saturday night) and we weren’t willing to budge, either. What we did was have our wedding “off season.”. Everyone, it seems gets married April through October and prices are higher at those times. We loved our venue and got married in March. We actually lucked out with a mild day, but were prepared for cold. We live in the northest, and our venue on the water was just as beautiful looking out from the inside. Had we used the same venue in July the price would have doubled. And since we were “off season,” we found that vendors were willing to negotiate rather than to not have an event to work. We negotiated with the catereer, florist, band, photographer and videographer. We did not have limos or favors. I used a lot of handmade touches (I.e. my mom is very crafty and made the menus and programs. My dad carved the cake toppers by hand). I skimped on invitations (didn’t matter to me) by ordering them from a place in the Midwest, where DH is from. The price was literally 1/3 of what I had been quoted here. I found a friend of a friend who knows calligraphy to address the invitations and write out the place cards. She charged, literally 1/5 of what a friend of mine paid elsewhere for a similar service. Congratulations and good luck!

    • TBK

      1. beer and wine (no liquor – seriously, no one cares).

      2. DIY centerpieces. We bought some pretty and cheap lanterns from Ikea (apparently these lanterns are super popular for weddings — I’ve been at two more weddings that had the same ones) then put 2-3 bud vases with a couple flowers each around the lanterns. Each table centerpiece cost less than $25.

      3. Try on gowns in the store then see if you can get it online for cheaper. I saved $700 this way. (Is it a little harsh on the brick and mortars to do this? Yes. Would I buy running shoes this way? Nuh-uh. But 700 frickin dollars!!)

      4. No favors. No one cares and even if they’re cheap individually, they add up quickly.

      5. Find up-and-coming vendors. My stepdad is photographer and his good friend and co-photog was going to do our wedding, but then had a conflict. He recommended a young guy just starting to build his portfolio. The guy was amazing! And probably 60-70% of what the older guy cost. Our DJ was a college girl and the daughter of a professional DJ. She was trying to break into the industry herself so she was really cheap. BUT her dad wanted to make sure she was successful, so he helped her out with everything right up to working the wedding with her for free! (She was adorable. She asked if she could bring an “assistant,” whom I’d assumed was her younger brother. How cute was it when she turned up with her dad?)

      6. Find a venue that will do the ceremony and the reception, and that has a bride’s room. That way you don’t need to rent transportation (e.g., limo).

      7. Go online for invitations. We got perfectly nice ones online for probably 30% of what they’d cost at a stationer’s.

    • Anne Shirley

      I think you’ll find a) lots of small things you can change and b) they’re not going to make a huge difference in the end. I liken it to the latte-a-day idea: you can cut your wedding lattes, but you guest list, time of day, and alcohol are like rent and health insurance- your big ticket items that are resistant to cost cutting.

      • anon

        I agree. The reality is that if you’re going to have a 150-person dinner reception, it will just cost a lot of money. Don’t do what I did and agonize about the cost the whole time. If you’re set on dinner and your guest list, just figure out a way to embrace it and don’t give yourself an ulcer trying to figure out ways to cut costs.

      • Anonnc

        A thousand times this. Assuming the OP is in a large metro area, a major undertaking like doing her own flowers will only save her the cost of food and drink for ~4 guests.

    • L

      Amen. I’m in your boat and almost fell over.

      Find a caterer that will let you provide booze yourself. Saves us a ton. Consider alternate food service (family style instead of plated) and pick foods you like rather than what’s expected (tacos instead of steak). Seriously.

      Figure out your priorities of what you really care about.

      Your guests will care more that you have a good time and they have a good time then anything else. Define what is essential for your group and skip the things no one notices (maybe it’s chair covers)

      Skip fancy linens and plates (if the food is good, no one cares what it is being served on).

      Don’t be afraid to say no or “we can’t really afford that.” I’ve asked people what they would charge for X and if they come back I tell them what I can afford and ask them what their services would like like at that price.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        And if you can find a caterer that lets you provide your own booze, see if you can find a friend in the restaurant business to order said booze for you wholesale. My dad owns restaurants and once his wedding present to a good family friend was the alcohol for the wedding. I’m not sure how much cheaper it is, but definitely cheaper than retail.

    • Anonymous

      Instead of a full bar, do beer, wine, and 1 or 2 signature cocktails. Or just beer and wine.

      For dinner, go with a buffet or food stations instead of a plated meal.

      Also, I did my own centerpieces (flowers in simple vases that I bought at Garden ridge), which saved a ton of money. I ordered the flowers online from a wholesaler and my mom and a few friends helped me put everything together the Friday before the wedding. I did have a florist do the boquets, but if you want something simple, you could probably do those yourself too (although I would do a practice run a few months ahead of time to make sure you are able to make something that looks how you want it to).

      I did buy a relatively expensive dress, but balked at the price of the really simple veil I liked. I looked online and wound up finding a very similar one for 1/4 the price of what the store wanted.

    • Senior Attorney

      You can cut back on the wedding party itself. it won’t help a lot, but it will help some. Flowers, gifts, etc. for, say, 2 attendants on each side is much less expensive and more manageable than 5 or more each. Not to mention the lowered potential for drama.

      You can also cut out party favors. Nobody cares about them.

      • mintberrycrunch

        This. We had just a maid of honor & best man, and it was the single best decision of my wedding. So much cheaper – and less of a headache! I just told my MOH what colors I wanted and she found her own dress/shoes/jewelry/etc…. it was also nice not to have to corral a ton of people on the day of. YMMV, but my friends (who I would have had as bridesmaids if I’d had any) were very understanding and sweet about it. Highly recommend.

    • midwest anon

      We had about 80 people, so it was a bit easier but here is what we did that saved a ton of money:
      1) We did not pay for a ceremony site. We had the ceremony in a friend’s backyard and decorated accordingly. You could probably find a number of places that would work a s a free ceremony site. I was dead set on a certain site, and then I got the price ($800 for ceremony-only price) and decided that it just wasn’t worth it.
      2) We had a self-serve buffet for dinner. We did BBQ from a local place that is delicious and our guests were incredibly happy with the food. This was a last minute decision due to circumstances that prevented our original, sit-down, plated menu from happening, but we ended up cutting the price for dinner in half because of the catering crisis.
      3) We had our reception on the second level of a local bar. (A nice bar.) Thankfully, once the catering crisis occurred, they let us set up our buffet there. We didn’t have to pay for the space because the bar knew they had a captive drink audience and we paid the tab and the tip for the whole night.
      4) We did all of this in April, which is a good month since it isn’t technically a “wedding month”.

    • Anonymous

      Get married on Superbowl Sunday. Half the guests will decline, and the caterer is guaranteed to be free.

    • Leigh

      My wedding was very different from what it sounds like you guys are going for, but here are the ways I cut back:

      -Bought flowers from Costco, my friend who worked at a florist’s shop in high school made my bouquets

      -Bought my dress online

      -Paper goods. My friend designed our invites and we printed them at a local shop (I had connections, so they did it free for me, but I’m sure you can find places that will do this cheap.) I didn’t do programs, rsvp cards, etc. My thought was that paper gets thrown away, so I’m not spending a fortune on it.

      – Cupcakes vs. cake. I thought about this long and hard, but I didn’t want to pay the insane amount for a wedding cake, and then pay someone to cut it, with a special serving knife that I had to pay for, etc. etc. So I did cupcakes. They weren’t a TON cheaper, but they were a lot more convenient.

      – Candy bar instead of favors. I did this because it doubled as decor and was also the favor for my guests. I had cute bags that they could take candy home in, and it really was fun for everyone. (Unless they all lied to me…haha)

      -Venue. I picked an art museum because I could get married in one of the galleries and needed extremely minimal decor. The same gallery was big enough for the ceremony and our standing dessert reception.

      I’m sure you’ll get great ideas here, but the one that I saw that was the best so far is to save on the little things you don’t care about and spend where you do care. We spent the majority of our budget on a photographer and the venue, and I do not regret that money at all.

    • Wedding Survivor!

      I have no idea what dollar amount falls into the “outrageous” category for you, so take this with a grain of salt.

      DH and I planned our wedding for 120 guests (140 invited, 120 attended), and we ended up spending about $14k excluding our honeymoon and rehearsal dinner (DH’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, and I think they spend ~$2-3k but that was not a part of our budget). Top suggestions:

      1. Negotiate. We negotiated a LOT– particularly with our venue/caterer (all the same). We had our wedding on a saturday night at a new-ish venue that was NOT booked years and years out and got our price per head under $100, including 5 hours of open bar. I think the original proposal was like $150pp.

      2. Prioritize. What do you care about? Photography? Music? Your dress? Location? Splurge on one thing; save on the rest.

      3. Things you probably don’t need: videographer. favors. welcome baskets for guests. upgraded chairs/linens. runners. pew decorations. extra dessert stations. packages of photos with your photographer (you can just get the disc), expensive flowers/centerpieces. programs. a limo or trolley to take you to/from places. i’m sure there are a million other things that I don’t even know about because they didn’t even make the list of things TO cut.

    • anonypotamus

      We are in the same boat! September wedding in an expensive area, ~150 people and venue/food/day of the week non-negotiable. We sat down and made a list of priorities (food, photographer, and music) and then allocated our budget accordingly. Now that we have picked most of the main things, we are using what we have leftover for everything else. No money for favors? Fine. Can’t afford to bring in lounge furniture that is all the rage on wedding blogs? Don’t care. We lucked out with a venue that provides almost everything and just sets a flat rate per person (including tax) so we know the cost upfront with no nickel and diming. Restaurants are often a great place that people forget to think about as a venue – food costs are often cheaper, and they are usually already set up for large crowds. If you find one that you like the look of, it can save on decorating costs as well.

      We are purchasing an invitation design pdf for a flat rate and printing it ourselves on nice paper we found in bulk. We set up our wedding website so that people will rsvp online (or they can call us for the 6 people that don’t have computers) – that is helping us save on postage, printing costs, etc.

      Everyone else had great cost-cutting ideas, and I definitely recommend Costco for flowers if you can. There are some great tutorials online for arranging bouquets and centerpieces. Try to bring in your own alcohol and limiting to beer, wine and champagne/prosecco helps too.

      My best cost-cutting tip? Stop reading wedding blogs, esp ones where the weddings look handmade/vintage/DIY but in reality cost $50,000-100,000 even though their best friend’s husband handcrafted all the dinner tables. Pick the things that are important to you and the rest is gravy. You’ll still be married at the end of the day, and you will still have a kick ass party! It’s cliche but no one will remember if you had hand stitched hankies at the back of every program for tears of joy. (unless that is your thing, then go for it!)

      Sorry for the word dump – but I totally feel your pain. Good luck with planning and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

    • Kontraktor

      I would say your biggest cost savings could come with the venue (/possibly associated catering) choice. Just because you want a dinner doesn’t mean you need to book a hotel ballroom. I would say look at more non-traditional venues. This might include things like historic homes/properties (these can often be rented for cheap prices with the ability to bring in your own food), Elk’s Lodges (some are very nice/in old buildings), dinner cruise boats (some are quite affordable, others not, worth looking into), parks with large gazebos/covered areas (depending on time of year), or restaurants (you can actually buy out entire restaurants sometimes, and it may end up being cheaper + more service + better food).

      My other biggest tip would be to get lots of price quotes (play them against each other/negotiate) and use small businessess where possible. We used a lot of etsy vendors and home-based businesses as our vendors because they were astronomically cheaper. Flower lady and cake lady worked from their basements. MU artist was a free-lancer (not from a huge salon). Got calligraphy on my invites for $1/envelope via etsy. Had some other custom stationary printed via an etsy vendor for a similarly rock bottom price. Veil was from a seamstress who had a small online business. Deals can definitely be found if you are willing to buy from small, just starting out, work from home, etc. type vendors.

      Of course, prioritizing the things you want is a great general piece of advice too. Don’t buy what you don’t care about. Even more importantly, don’t buy what you don’t care about, even if the wedding industrial complex says you apparently care about it.

    • CBM

      A lot of this has already been said but I’d still say check out a practical wedding [dot] com. Even though I had already thought of a lot of what was in her book, it validated that I wasn’t crazy for having those thoughts. Also I really enjoy looking through the images they show of weddings. It is a good reminder that people are happy for you and your partner even if the decorations or whatever aren’t perfect. Prioritizing helps but taking 150 people out to dinner is an expensive endeavor. $100 per person for a nice dinner with drinks and dancing is pretty reasonable but that puts you at 15k and you haven’t even thought about decorating, outfits or rings.

    • NYNY

      Things DH & I did that save $$$:

      – load up an iPod with one or more playlists and call it the wedding band
      – beer, wine, and sangria at the bar
      – Mexican food!
      – wedding dress was a custom-made c*cktail dress for ~$700
      – DH wore a nice suit instead of a tux

      We got married near where family lives (NM) instead of where we live (NY), so venue costs were significantly reduced. We also overall went more casual than most weddings, but that’s a style choice.

    • LLBMBA

      One thing that surprosed me (and many of my subsequent bride friends) was that weddings in untraditional locations are often far more expensive than your typical wedding venue. Try to find somewhere that includes everything – chairs, tables, plates, waitstaff, etc. Bringing in each of those things independently can be very expensive. We got married at a restaurant – ceremony in the courtyard, dinner and dancing inside. We paid for food, flowers and DJ, and maybe 2-3 high top table rentals. Everything else was included in the price of the food (like it normally is in a restaurant – you don’t pay extra for cutlery). So don’t be afraid of looking at hotels, restaurants, etc., even if they seem like they should cost more than an art gallery/warehouse/backyard.

    • Deep End

      We are getting married on a Friday night as it was cheaper than Saturday.

      I also went to the store, tried on and found the wedding dress I wanted, and then found the dress on e-b-a-y for less than half the price. Luckily the bride I bought it with was my height and size, so it fit. It’s a bit risky so not for everyone though.:)

      In the end, we just prioritized what we really wanted or needed at the wedding. We cut out whatever we could to save money. This inevitably leads to some hurt feelings by family (what do you mean you aren’t having a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner!) and friends (couldn’t you just rent a shuttle to transport all the guests to and from the wedding?).

      Planning a wedding is super stressful and expensive. We still debate whether we should have eloped.

      • Deep End

        Oh, also we are getting married in New Orleans and live in New York. I signed up for all the deal sights (living social, groupon, etc) in New Orleans. I bought vistaprint deals – $17 for $70 worth of credit – and ordered our save the dates, thank you cards and invitations for under $40. That helped a lot.

        • NOLA

          Hey Deep End! Didn’t see this earlier. Let me know if there’s anything I can do here. Do you need a photographer?

    • qwerty

      like everyone said above, you need to cut corners on things that just don’t matter to you and your fiance. here’s how we maximized our wedding budget (250 person reception in a NYC outerborough):

      – no flowers for the tables as centerpieces, we did large scale morroccan style lanterns with candles inside surrounded by a colorful table runners and rose petals strewn on the tables. it cost about $15 bucks a table (compared to the $50+ flowers would have cost for each table this was a bargain and we liked it better anyway)

      – we’re south asian so south asian food was a must, our reception hall let us do outside catering and we went with a buffet. it didn’t decrease the number of waitstaff members we had to pay for, but it did decrease the cost of the food. it seemed to work because people got to choose what they got from a large spread (and it made our picky eaters and vegetarian guests happy).

      – our reception hall charged by the hour, they typically do weddings for 6 hours and other parties for 4 hours — we thought 6 hours was excessive since our ceremony was not part of the festivities (it was private and held the week before). we went with 4 hours and saved a bundle.

      – we got married during the height of the cupcake craze and i then loved (and still love) cupcakes. cupcakes from our absolute favorite bakery on a pretty cupcake tier ran less than half of what an actual cake from anywhere would have cost. i loved that a lot of our guests took their cupcakes to go at the end of the reception (we also had a spread of south asian desserts)

      – got our invitations personally designed on etsy. they ran about $2.00 a pop and we adored them and got to make every single decision about color, font and text. we made sure that the cards did not exceed the weight and size limit for standard first class postage so that we didn”t have to pay extra postage, we also went with post cards as our rsvp reply cards (postcard stamps are way cheaper)

      – we got married in december. we love the winter time and didn’t want a long engagement so it worked well for us — it wasn’t part of our cost saving strategy but we were pleasantly surprised that it helped save on the cost of our reception hall

      good luck!

      • qwerty

        and pay cash where you can (even if it’s for smaller things like the cake and photographer)! nearly all of my vendors offered cash discounts and didn’t charge tax.

        • Esquared

          I’m actually gonna go against this recc. I started my wedding planning doing this & had some vendors totally flake or not take me as seriously because I paid cash up front. Yes it’s slightly more expensive to pay w/ a card or w/ multiple payments… but you also have that as a bargaining chip (and cc protection if they let you use one).

    • petitesq

      Thank you all so much for your great, creative, and thoughtful suggestions! What resourceful internet friends! To answer some of the questions, we’ve selected a venue that is a gorgeous banquet room at a very characteristic-to-our-city (and very delicious) restaurant, so not too many nickel and dime costs, thankfully. I think I’m going to have to combine much of the advice here and just (a) decide that I want a big, nice, party, darn it, and this is what it costs, and (b) cut the little things where I can. I also need to convince my mother of this all ;). I REALLY appreciate all of the input, and the nice wishes! Thank you again!

    • Esquared

      In the same freaking boat. I decided to go with an alternative food source. We are having a restaurant that is somewhere inbtwn sit down & fast food do a buffet line (it’s bbq & salads). The food is actually pretty good (imho actually better than most wedding food) and it’s about $15 per person.
      My I also recently went to a really fancy party at a winery were they drove in a taco truck. It was actually really really nice & the food was delicious and totally unique & fun.

      What city are you in? I know you’ve said before but I totally can’t remember.

      After doing this, I can’t imagine anyone’s wedding in a large city w/ all the bells & whistles costing less than $50k. I’ve tracked EVERY PENNY I’ve been spending & I think I’m going full speed towards $25k (for about 175 people).

    • lawsuited

      My wedding for 100 people cost $10k with sit-down dinner reception. A lot of my savings were thanks for DIY and negotiating prices down:

      – Booked wedding on Sunday of a holiday weekend instead of a Saturday
      – Negotiated down prices on photographer, venue, caterer
      – DIY invitations (from Target)
      – DIY wedding programs and menus (from Target)
      – Chose a simple $300 dress and altered to add lace from grandmother’s dress
      – Bought fabric for bridesmaids dresses made by MIL (we paid for wedding party attire)
      – Wholesale flowers arranged by my mother
      – Used our own car instead of limo
      – Wine, beer and champagne instead of full bar
      – Offered chicken course only
      – iPod playlist instead of DJ or band
      – 5 “celebration cakes” instead of a tiered wedding cake

  9. Anon Personal Finance Question

    For those of you who receive company stock as part of your compensation package, what do you do with it once it is fully vested? Do you keep it all as company stock? Do you keep a certain percentage and sell a certain percentage? If you sell a percentage, how do you determine what percentage to sell, and when? Do you reinvest in other vehicles, spend?

    • Eleanor

      I have never had a job in which I received stock or stock options, but I have read a number of articles that point out holding a great deal of company stock is a bad idea. If the company does poorly, both your job and your investment would be at risk. It’s generally not a good idea to have your investments concentrated in one stock anyway, no matter what company it is.

      Do you think your company is a good investment? If so, I would treat the company stock like you would any other stock in your portfolio. So, I would sell the majority of it and purchase more diversified investments such that company stock was only a small part of the portfolio (I should note here that I personally do not actually hold any individual stocks, only mutual funds, so take my advice with a grain of salt). If you don’t think your company is a good investment, I would sell all the stock and look for a new job.

      • InfoGeek

        Ditto on the advice to not keep all your eggs in one basket by depending on the same company for both employment and what is probably a major part of your investment holdings.

      • TBK

        IF you can do that. Oftentimes stock grants are restricted (they kind of lose their intended purpose of motivating you to do good work if you can just sell them — the point is to make sure executives DO have all their eggs in one basket).

    • anon

      Do not hold it once vested. I made this mistake and lost all of my value in the 2008 crisis. You need to diversify your employment and your investments. If your company goes under you’d lose both your savings and your income (at least temporarily.)

      • Anon Personal Finance Question

        Thanks for the insight (and sorry for how you gained it). What would you recommend? Hold a small percentage and sell the rest? Sell all of it once vested? I guess it probably depends on the stock/company.

        • Herbie

          I don’t think anybody is going to be able to answer these questions for you without a lot more information. Some things to consider… obviously, you can’t control market crashes or things that might negatively affect the value of your stock short term (like a disappointing quarterly earnings report). But take a look at your company’s stock performance historically and think about how you guesstimate it will perform over the next few years. Next, look at your portfolio. What are you going to do w/ the proceeds of your stock? How do returns on your proceeds once reinvested compare to what you might get by simply keeping the vested stock? Your choices are obviously highly personal depending on your current mix, risk tolerance, and goals. You might choose to reinvest a few different ways… put some towards a high yield savings account… buy other stock that you expect to outperform your company’s stock… pay down that student loan debt… make an extra mortgage payment… etc.

          • Anon Personal Finance Question

            Oh, absolutely Herbie (co-signing your “answers require more info” point). I’m just looking for thoughts on how other people have handled their individual situations. I know that no one person’s situation is identical to anyone else’s, nor is any of what I’m receiving here as responses qualified financial advice. But I’ve always valued hearing what other ‘e-t-t-e-s do to handle their $$ and so I thought I’d throw it out there!

    • CKB

      I have a discount stock purchase plan through my company that I participate in. Currently I have 1% of my gross going towards this. I may bump it up to 2% this summer when our merit raises occur. I don’t think I’ll go more than that, even though we’re allowed much more.

      The amount I have invested right now is relatively small, so I’ll leave it alone & let it grow. I try to reconsider once a year, but unless something drastic happens I’ll probably keep my stock in the company. It’s a good company with lots of opportunities, imo. However, I don’t want too large of a proportion of my investments to be tied to one company, which is why I’ll limit my purchases as I said above.

      If my investment in one company was a significant portion of my overall investments I’d sell some stock & invest it in another investment vehicle, just to be safe. Diversification is good when investing – I remember that from my finance course in university!

    • Sutemi

      I sell as soon as I am vested and convert to index funds. I know that some people, to avoid short term gains, stick to a schedule where they sell as soon as company stock = 5% of total portfolio or after 2 years. I would not keep a concentrated position in the company I work for, that is too much risk for me. However, people have gotten rich when the small company they work for got larger and the stock went up a ton.

      • Anon Personal Finance Question

        Do you keep any percentage of your grants, or do you sell everything once vested?

    • Anastasia

      Hmmm discounted stock purchase is offered for my company, but I hadn’t even given this any serious thought because my knee-jerk reaction was “GAH! Enron!” (eggs should be in multiple baskets).

      I didn’t even think about diversifying once the vested, though… now that I do, it seems like I”m passing up free money. I will have to look into this some more. Thanks for the food for thought, ladies!

  10. mamabear

    You guys, I’m cheating on Jack.

    Jack Georges, that is. I have always been loyal to Jack Georges for work bags.

    But this weekend I bought a Knomo bag and I love it. It’s quilted nylon with leather trim and it’s gorgeous.

    I never hear this line discussed on here so I thought I’d bring it up.

    Discuss!

      • SoCalAtty

        That is a dangerous website! I like those a lot. I would love to hear if you still like it in a month or so!

        • mamabear

          Good idea. I will remind myself to update in a month. I will say I flew with it yesterday and it was great. The top handles are the right height so it can sit on my rolling suitcase and hold both handles together (the suitcase and the tote) which I didn’t have with my other cases and found frustrating.

          It carried everything I needed and was a lot lighter weight than the J.G. bag I’ve been using lately.

      • bgo

        Love Knomo! I have one of their bags and it holds up well, is light weight and generally fits everything I need for business travel. I bought mine in the UK and their US advertising is just not as good as some which is probably why it hasn’t been commented about as much. But I love mine too!!

        • mamabear

          I bought mine at a store rather than online. They said they’re getting quite popular in the UK because Pippa Middleton has been photographed carrying one of the bags.

        • mamabear

          (so what I’m saying is that I hope carrying this bag will make my butt look good.)

          • bgo

            I’ll have to ask my collegues it is makes my butt look good:) But I bought mine before the Pippa craze simply because one of my British collegues swore by it. 4 years later I still love it.

  11. Ellen

    I canceled my trip to Saint Louis and made Madeline go. I could NOT take thinkeing about Jim’s spitteing and lookeing at me the way he doe’s. Also, I do not want to have to deal with the general council if he aske’s me if Jim was helpeful (he was not). I also told the manageing partner about the cab ride, which was NOT good the last time, so he told Madeline to go. Yay!

    I am walkeing to work with the Fitbit, and my dad is happy b/c I have already lost 2 pound’s in the last week. Myrna walks with me, then jumps in the subway b/c she has to go into Downtown — I work in MID Town with alot of the big lawyers are. Yay!

    I do NOT want to have to walk to court, but I onley am goieing 2x this month. I told my dad I will take a cab (b/c of my file’s), and do NOT even like getteing in the subway with my files b/c there is alot of FLU and peeople sneezeing everywhere. FOOEY!

    The manageing partner and Frank are stareing at me now. They are silly!

  12. Anon (Just venting)

    I’ve been looking for a new job since early fall and have grown increasingly feedup and burnt out at my old job… just had a second interview that I think went well and they promised to call “tonight”! How on earth am I supposed to get anything done today?! Just venting…

    • anon distracted too

      I’m in the same situation. I have a callback scheduled for tomorrow, and I’m so excited I can’t focus on anything at work today. I’m also in the “fed up and burnt out” category, but maybe exchange “fed up” with disgusted.

      • Anon (Just venting)

        Haha I can certainly add “disgusted” to my complaints! Good luck tomorrow!

  13. Blah

    Wedding-planning based annoyance let to a bad fight with SO last night, we’re barely talking and I didn’t sleep well at all, have a stupid tasting this afternoon I have to pretend to be excited about, not focusing at work and the weather sucks.

    Stupid Tuesday. Want to go home and veg on the couch and watch The Walking Dead — because killing zombies makes everything better.

    Venting here, because, well, it’s less complicated than complaining to real-life friends.

    • InfoGeek

      So sorry about the frustration.

      Can you make up with SO during the day? Or is it something that requires seeing him in person?

      • Blah

        Thanks…

        Not sure I want to make up right now (plus, communication is hard during the day due to work). He’s got a quick, short-lived, fighting style, I tend to avoid, shut-down, then stew for a while, partly to avoid saying hurtful things in the head of the moment. This happens once every 9 months to a year — and then things are back to normal after a day or so (sometimes things are discussed, sometimes not). This is just the first post-engagement fight like this and is triggering my “run away! hide!” and “I’m too dysfunctional for a relationship” issues.

        We’ll see if he shows at the tasting.

    • rosie

      Sorry. I don’t know if this is your situation or not, but make sure you’re still going on dates and talking about non-wedding related stuff with your SO. Wedding planning is stressful, don’t let it take over your life and your relationship. Watch funny TV together, go for walks, grab a drink, go out to dinner – just don’t talk about the wedding.

      • Blah

        Yea, good point. I’m trying not to do that — and we aren’t, I don’t think. He’d probably disagree, but he does bring up wedding stuff a lot. The problem is that the other stuff we talk about is even less fun (work and finances and home buying).

        I’ve accepted that he’s just not a good planner in general and this is no different. My annoyance comes in when it is things I do need from him (e.g. addresses of his friends) or he doesn’t like how something is being done, but does nothing about it (e.g. the number of hotel rooms booked).

        vent vent vent

        It’s all very trite and typical and there are probably a thousand threads like this on wedding boards.

        • Susedna

          I find wedding planning to be an excellent stress test of how well a couple coordinates stuff and handles teamwork.

          Do they delegate appropriately? Do they have the same expectations? Do they know how to tell family to butt out when necessary? It can be very, very telling about how people handle logistics, being detail-oriented (or not), and how they handle something that may be more important to the other person.

    • AEK

      Sorry, Blah.
      And +1 to being really annoyed at my husband…I am trying to hold in a major “vent” until the annoyance subsides and I can discuss with him calmly. BUT INSIDE I AM IN ALL CAPS.

      • Blah

        Sorry to hear about your husband annoyance. Also, can I just say I think I may need “INSIDE I AM IN ALL CAPS” on a button I can wear when needed so people don’t talk to me?

  14. Susie

    Bay Area ‘ettes – my Bday is next week and I have Monday off. Anyone interested in meeting up?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m actually going to be in San Francisco this weekend visiting my husband’s friends. I don’t have a ton of control over my schedule (they are trying to fit a lot into a short trip) but I suspect I will have some time away from the group. That, or they will be in a bar and I will be on my iphone and would love the company :) Click the link to send me an email if you are interested in trying to meet up. I’ll be there Friday evening until Tuesday morning.

      • Susedna

        Not in CA, but wanted to give you a belated thank you for all those cute puppy-cam links. They really bring a smile to my face, no matter how harried or tired I feel.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Awww glad you like them! I love watching them grow up. I check in at least once a day.

    • I am a banana.

      I will be around and also have Monday off. I felt like I was the only one!

    • Susie

      Excellent – Blond Lawyer and Banana, let’s try to set something up. I will repost this on a newer thread to finalize plans and see if anyone else is available to join us. :)

  15. Jr Associate

    Venting also because I’m feeling so drained and low energy today. I barely was able to drag myself to work and now I’m sitting at my desk unable to really touch the mountain of work on my plate.

    • Research, Not Law

      Right there with you. Family matters and a sick baby have made me completely overwhelmed me this week. I didn’t get hit any of my goals yesterday at work and really need to pick it up today. UGH.

  16. NOLA

    Wow, it seems like so many of us are down. It’s cold and misty and rainy here. We have 3 people out with the stomach flu. I want to just pull the covers over my head, but I have 2 classes and a midday presentation.

    I broke up with my SO over the weekend. He couldn’t get it together to be with me for any significant time and, although our relationship has been wonderful, it’s not working long distance. He is begging me to give him another chance but, so far, has no solution. Our only phone conversation led to my being certain that there is no way he can fix it and he needs to be realistic. So we normally chat in the morning. Yesterday we emailed and chatted about some things I had sent him about our relationship. This morning, he came on chat and talked about football (my interest, not his), Mardi Gras, my work, etc. I knew he was just trying to have a “normal” conversation and act like nothing was wrong but I wasn’t fooled. I feel like I am beginning to accept that it’s over but he is still begging me to hang on. For what? I don’t know.

    • TBK

      Oh NOLA, I’m so sorry. I know you were excited at the end of last week to get to see him. I hope you have some girlfriends to take you out for drinks and hugs.

    • e_pontellier

      NOLA, so sorry to hear it. I agree that a lot of us are down today. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s the post-holiday bills starting to roll in? Maybe it’s the grades rolling in? Ugh. Wine and cookies for everyone!

    • cfm

      Oh my gosh nola, I am sorry to hear that. Long distance is very, very hard, especially when there is no defined end point.

    • Jo March

      Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. LDRs are super hard, especially when they have no end to the LD part in sight. It sounds like he is not making it any easier on you by wanting to act like things are still normal…but if you know it wasn’ tworking for you then you did the right thing, even though it’s also the hard thing :(

      Sending you lots of internet hugs and good thoughts of sunshine and cutebabyanimals.

    • anon2

      So sorry Nola, but with love I ask: if you broke up, why are you still chatting in the morning with him?

      • LadyEnginerd

        NOLA, I’m so sorry. I do agree with anon2 – if you want to break up with him, then it’s probably a good idea to block him on chat, even if it’s just for a few weeks to help you get perspective. You’d tell a friend not to allow the relationship to be in a weird friend-y limbo… so I hope you understand that this comes from a place of love on my part (it’s been almost 40 days since I had a conversation with my ex. I’m proud I lost count and had to go look that up on my calendar.).

        • MaggieLizer

          Hugs to both LadyEnginerd and NOLA. So sorry NOLA, and I agree you should give yourself some space for now.

      • NOLA

        Yeah, I think the only way would be to turn off my availability on chat altogether. I guess I was surprised when he just showed up and started a chat session so I just went along with it. The thing is, I love him and he loves me. I’m just so disappointed that he has made this relationship impossible. He asked me to “hold on” for awhile longer while he tries to figure it out, so I don’t know.

        • LadyEnginerd

          NOLA, just two things. The nerd in me wants to help you block just him on chat (but seriously, do a few googles for a solution). The woman in me wants to give you a big hug and very gently remind you that you “holding on for a while longer” sounds exactly like limbo and not a healthy place for either of you if what you want is to break up. If he becomes a man you would like to date (moving back to town, making a genuine effort from within to work on some issues you’ve posted about before), then you can date him again. Until then, own that you were not happy and that mutual love isn’t enough if got to the point where you consider this relationship “impossible.”

          • meme

            +1. He moved away on purpose despite your protestations. He made his choice, and now the consequences are what they are. So sorry you’re going through this.

          • NOLA

            Thanks so much, LadyEnginerd. I told him, in an email, that I would not continue to have regular contact with him going forward and, if he’s in the state for a longer period of time and has time to see me, it’s okay for him to call me and ask me out. He’s not willing to accept that yet so he’s calling me and chatting. I know I could block him but it seems unnecessary right now. I don’t need to “move on” like so many of you. Honestly, I’m 48 years old and I’m not looking to get married or jump into a new relationship. I’m going to handle this how I can.

          • Silvercurls

            NOLA, Sorry to hear your news but good to hear the strength in your words: ” Honestly, I’m 48 years old and I’m not looking to get married or jump into a new relationship. I’m going to handle this how I can.” IME developing the clarity and confidence to identify and act on my values has been one of the greatest benefits of getting older. It’s worth all the wrinkles and gray hair. Seems that you know this already. (FWIW I’m 52.)

            Take care of yourself. Try to find some beauty even in the raw, cold, rainy winter weather. Buy yourself a flower. I’d take my own advice if I had more free time.

            Disclaimer (unnecessary?): Some of us find our confidence later in life; plenty of people (e.g. many other c*rettes) already have it in their younger years. Either way you still get to enjoy the expanded perspective & historical memory.

          • NOLA

            Thanks, Silvercurls. This is awesome. I have, in fact, gained a lot of clarity and confidence in the past 6 years or so, partly because of him, but not entirely. I’ve handled this relationship on my own terms and will continue to do that.

            I bought myself a dozen roses on Saturday. It does help!

    • petitesq

      :( so sorry, NOLA. Good luck with the adjustment, and kudos to you for taking necessary but not fun action.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      Oh NOLA, so sorry to hear that. Hugs, cookies and wine for you.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Oh, NOLA, I’m so sorry. I agree with the advice above – take some space. He may want to pretend everything’s normal but that’s hurting you so it’s not something you need to do. Let him know you need some space from him and the relationship, and you’ll be blocking him on chat (if he will worry not to see you). Then block him and take a few days, just for you, to process.

      A friend sent me this spoken word poem after a particularly tough breakup in college, and I found it really comforting. Hopefully you will too.

      http://www.ourstage.com/media_items/LRPWJNNMYCBG-it-will-pass

    • Lalo

      Oh NOLA, I’m so sorry! I sort of had a spidey sense that something had happened with him when you mentioned (I think on MOA’s thread) about having a bad weekend.

      • NOLA

        Yeah Saturday was awful. I tried to do my normal weekend stuff and ended up crying in the weight room. Luckily, there were only two of us in there. All in all, I think I’m holding up pretty well but I wonder if it hasn’t sunk in yet.

    • AnnonFoo

      Hugs NOLA, long distances are indeed very hard.

      My relationship turned long distance last year when my bf of 3 years had to move away for a new job after a layoff. I spent thousands of dollar on plane tickets, airport shuttle, red eye flights on Monday, scrimping money everywhere else but we finally broke it off week before Christmas. We broke it off because I did not have any concrete plans to move, got a raise and big bonus at my current job and would have to take 2x pay cut for even the best job I could find in his location. It is still less than a month so feels raw, I just cleaned up my desk drawer and threw away many many boarding passes, couldn’t stop tearing up. I would suggest one thing that does help is to cutoff ALL contact with your ex, no matter how hard it feels. I stopped logging into gmail from a computer (only used mobile with no gchat), no fb and no netflix (we used to share an account). I got hard copy books from the library, so I would not be tempted to check internet/ipad/phone/txt when bored. No contact did really help me with moving on, even if I think about him a lot everyday it is getting lesser with each passing day.

  17. BB

    Styling question: I’m thinking about buying a pair of black leather riding boots (not actual riding boots, but the same style). Can I pull them off with tights and a wool skirt for fall/winter?

    Everything I see online is styled with skinny jeans which I neither have nor want to wear. (If it makes a difference, I’m pear-shaped with broad shoulders.)

    Thanks!

    • Diana Barry

      Yup! I wear riding boots with skirts ALL THE TIME. Go forth and purchase! :)

      • BB

        Yay! Now to hope that they don’t get sold before they go on sale tomorrow…(last pair in the store, but I didn’t want to pay full price for them)

  18. Susedna

    Costco Threadjack: Healthy foods at Costco

    I’ve been buying the Hannah brand “Authentic Taboule” and it’s excellent. It’s my go-to-item for a side to go with my lunch entree (whatever I’ve made and brought from home.) *chomp* :-)

    What other healthy food items have you found at Costcos that you’d recommend?

    • rosie

      I bought Fage yogurt for the first time from Costco. I could bring plain yogurt that is cheaper (we buy the big things of plain, so I would just portion it into a small, reusable container), but I decided I need a healthy snack that will be more like a treat and less boring, so I’m less likely to go in search of novelty food.

      Our Costco has frozen vegan burritos that are tasty and fairly healthy.

      Less work-friendly, we keep frozen sockeye fillets and frozen stir fry veggies in the freezer, which makes quick, healthy dinners much easier.

      • Leslie Knope

        We get Pacific brand tomato and red pepper soup. It’s crazy delicious and only 110 calories per cup, so it’s really nice for rounding out a meal.

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